1. Come on, boys!Copy !req
2. The way you're lollygagging around here
with them picks and them shovels...Copy !req
3. ...you'd think it was 120 degrees.Copy !req
4. It can't be more than 114.Copy !req
5. Dock that Chink a day's pay
for napping on the job.Copy !req
6. Yes, sir.Copy !req
7. Now, come on, boys,
where's your spirit?Copy !req
8. I don't hear no singing.Copy !req
9. When you were slaves,
you sang like birds.Copy !req
10. Go on. How about a good
old nigger work song?Copy !req
11. Nigger work song?Copy !req
12. Hold it. What the hell is that shit?Copy !req
13. I meant a song.Copy !req
14. A real song.Copy !req
15. Something like:Copy !req
16. - "Swing low"?
- "Chariot"?Copy !req
17. Don't know that one, huh?Copy !req
18. Well, how about "De Camptown Ladies"?Copy !req
19. "De Camptown Ladies"?Copy !req
20. "De Camptown Ladies."Copy !req
21. Oh, you know.Copy !req
22. What in the wide, Wide World of Sports
is going on here?Copy !req
23. I hired you people to try to get
a little track laid...Copy !req
24. ...not to jump around like a bunch
of Kansas City faggots!Copy !req
25. Sorry, Mr. Taggart.
I guess we kind of got caught up.Copy !req
26. Dummy, the surveyors say they may
have run into some quicksand up ahead.Copy !req
27. Better check it out.Copy !req
28. Okay, I'll send a team of horses
to check out the ground.Copy !req
29. Horses?!Copy !req
30. Why, we can't afford to lose
no horses, you dummy!Copy !req
31. - Send over a couple of niggers.
- Okay, Mr. Taggart.Copy !req
32. You and you.Copy !req
33. Sir?Copy !req
34. Sir, he specifically requested
two niggers.Copy !req
35. Well, to tell a family secret,
my grandmother was Dutch.Copy !req
36. Get on that handcar and take
it down to the end of that line!Copy !req
37. - Just trying to help you out.
- Get!Copy !req
38. I didn't know your
grandma was Dutch!Copy !req
39. - Bart?
- What?Copy !req
40. Am I wrong...Copy !req
41. ...or is the world rising?Copy !req
42. I don't know,
but whatever it is, I hate it.Copy !req
43. - Hey, Charlie.
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
44. - Let me ask you something.
- Hmm?Copy !req
45. What is it that's not exactly water...Copy !req
46. Mm-hm.
- ...and it ain't exactly earth?Copy !req
47. Quicksand!Copy !req
48. Oh, shit! Quicksand!Copy !req
49. Hot dang, now we are in trouble!Copy !req
50. They in trouble.Copy !req
51. Lyle, get your rope there.
Get over there quick.Copy !req
52. Right, Mr. Taggart.Copy !req
53. That's it. It's coming.Copy !req
54. Dang, that was lucky.Copy !req
55. Doggone near lost
a $400 handcar.Copy !req
56. Yeah, we can take it right off to the--Copy !req
57. Just a little to the left
of that hill over yonder.Copy !req
58. But we're gonna die, Bart.
They're gonna leave us here to die.Copy !req
59. Take it easy, Charlie.Copy !req
60. My foot's on the rail.Copy !req
61. Oh.Copy !req
62. Then maybe down that canyon,
I think it's pretty level there.Copy !req
63. We can't swing back to the right
because of that hill there.Copy !req
64. That looks like the way
we'll have to go from here.Copy !req
65. Yeah, we'll put her right down
through over that ridge.Copy !req
66. Come on!Copy !req
67. Well, boys, the break's over.Copy !req
68. Don't just lay there getting a suntan.Copy !req
69. Ain't gonna do you
no good nohow!Copy !req
70. Here. Take that shovel
and put her to some good use.Copy !req
71. Come on, now.Copy !req
72. - Bart?
- What?Copy !req
73. Don't do that, now.Copy !req
74. - Uh-uh, baby.
- Come on, don't do that.Copy !req
75. I have to.Copy !req
76. Send a wire to the main office...Copy !req
77. ...and tell them I said--
Ow!Copy !req
78. Send wire, main office...Copy !req
79. ...tell them I said, "Ow." Got you.Copy !req
80. And right here, Mr. Lamarr,
is where we run into quicksand.Copy !req
81. Quicksand. Quicksand.
Splendid.Copy !req
82. And so the railroad has gotta go
through Rock Ridge.Copy !req
83. Rock Ridge. Rock Ridge.
Splendid.Copy !req
84. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.Copy !req
85. Rock Ridge. Rock Ridge.Copy !req
86. - Be still, Taggart. Be still.
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
87. My mind is aglow with whirling,
transient nodes of thought...Copy !req
88. ...careening through
a cosmic vapor of invention.Copy !req
89. Ditto!Copy !req
90. "Ditto"?Copy !req
91. "Ditto," you provincial putz!Copy !req
92. - I'm sorry, sir.
- A plan. A plan. We need a plan.Copy !req
93. What in the hell was that?Copy !req
94. Next!Copy !req
95. Boris, we can't hear ourselves think!Copy !req
96. Oh. Oh, sorry, Your Worship, but I've
got two men at home, sick with the flu...Copy !req
97. ...and it's utter chaos down here.Copy !req
98. I'll try to keep it as quiet
as possible.Copy !req
99. But as you can see...Copy !req
100. ...this one is a doozy.Copy !req
101. Yes, the Dr. Gillespie killings.
Well, do your best.Copy !req
102. - Now, let's see. Where were we?
- Rock Ridge.Copy !req
103. Rock Ridge.Copy !req
104. Yes, when that railroad
goes through Rock Ridge...Copy !req
105. ...that land will be worth millions,
and I want it.Copy !req
106. I want that land so badly...Copy !req
107. ...I can taste it.Copy !req
108. There must be a way.Copy !req
109. - Clumsy fool.
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
110. Wait a minute.Copy !req
111. There might be a legal precedent.Copy !req
112. Of course! Land snatching.Copy !req
113. Let's see. "Land:Copy !req
114. See snatch." Snatch.Copy !req
115. Ah. "Haley v. United States.
Haley, 7. United States, nothing."Copy !req
116. You see, it can be done.
It can be done.Copy !req
117. Unfortunately, there is one thing that
stands between me and that property.Copy !req
118. The rightful owners.Copy !req
119. There must be some way
of scaring them off, driving them out.Copy !req
120. - Getting rid of every human being alive in--
- Uh, uh--Copy !req
121. - Oh, it's down the hall and to the left.
- No, sir. Sir?Copy !req
122. - What?
- I've got it.Copy !req
123. You do? What? What? What?Copy !req
124. I know how we can run
everybody out of Rock Ridge.Copy !req
125. - How?
- We'll kill the first-born male child...Copy !req
126. ...in every household.Copy !req
127. Too Jewish.Copy !req
128. Let's see.Copy !req
129. - I got it! I got it!
- You do?Copy !req
130. - What?
- We'll work up a number six on them!Copy !req
131. Number six. I'm afraid
I'm not familiar with that one.Copy !req
132. That's where we go riding into town...Copy !req
133. ...a'whopping and a'whumping
every living thing...Copy !req
134. ...that moves within an inch of its life!
Except the womenfolks, of course.Copy !req
135. You spare the women?Copy !req
136. No, we rape the shit out of them
at the number-six dance later on!Copy !req
137. That's marvelous.
That's so creative, Taggart--Copy !req
138. Ow!Copy !req
139. Why, Taggart, you've been hurt.Copy !req
140. Oh, that uppity nigger went and hit me
on the head with a shovel.Copy !req
141. I'd sure appreciate it, sir,
if you could find it in your heart...Copy !req
142. ...to hang him up by his neck
until he was dead.Copy !req
143. - Got him locked up downstairs.
- Consider it done, stout fellow.Copy !req
144. Boris.Copy !req
145. Oh. Mmm. Mmm.Copy !req
146. I've got a special.
When can you work him in?Copy !req
147. I couldn't possibly sneak him
in until Monday, sir. I'm booked solid.Copy !req
148. Monday. Splendid.Copy !req
149. Ta-da!Copy !req
150. Oh, thank you, sir.
And don't you worry.Copy !req
151. Why, we'll make Rock Ridge
think it's a chicken...Copy !req
152. ...that got caught
in a tractor's nuts.Copy !req
153. Splendid.Copy !req
154. That's all right. Shh.
It's all right, Taggart.Copy !req
155. Just a man and a horse
being hung out there.Copy !req
156. Shh.Copy !req
157. There was a peaceful townCopy !req
158. Called Rock RidgeCopy !req
159. Where people lived in harmonyCopy !req
160. They never had no kind of troubleCopy !req
161. There was no hint of miseryCopy !req
162. The town saloon was always livelyCopy !req
163. But never nasty or obsceneCopy !req
164. Behind the bar stood anal JohnsonCopy !req
165. He always kept things nice and cleanCopy !req
166. And all at once the trouble startedCopy !req
167. A pack of murderers and thievesCopy !req
168. Like swarms of locusts
They descendedCopy !req
169. Their aim
To make the townsfolk fleeCopy !req
170. Oh, shit.Copy !req
171. Whoa! Whoa!Copy !req
172. Well, that's the end of this suit.Copy !req
173. Have you ever seen such cruelty?Copy !req
174. Now is a time of great decisionCopy !req
175. Are we to stay or up and quit?Copy !req
176. There's no avoiding this conclusionCopy !req
177. Our town is turning into shitCopy !req
178. Be seated.Copy !req
179. Now, I don't have to tell you
good folks...Copy !req
180. ...what has been happening
here in our beloved little town.Copy !req
181. Sheriff murdered...Copy !req
182. ...crops burned...Copy !req
183. ...stores looted...Copy !req
184. ...people stampeded...Copy !req
185. ...and cattle raped.Copy !req
186. Now, the time has come to act.Copy !req
187. And act fast!Copy !req
188. I'm leaving.Copy !req
189. You get back here, you
pious, candy-ass sidewinder!Copy !req
190. There ain't no way that nobody
is gonna leave this town!Copy !req
191. Hell, I was born here
and I was raised here...Copy !req
192. ...and dadgum it,
I'm gonna die here!Copy !req
193. And no sidewinding,
bushwhacking, hornswoggling...Copy !req
194. ...cracker croaker is gonna
ruin my biscuit cutter!Copy !req
195. Now, who can argue with that?Copy !req
196. I think we're all indebted
to Gabby Johnson...Copy !req
197. ...for clearly stating
what needed to be said.Copy !req
198. I'm particularly glad these lovely children
were here today to hear that speech.Copy !req
199. Not only was it
authentic frontier gibberish...Copy !req
200. ...it expressed a courage
little seen in this day and age.Copy !req
201. What are we made of?Copy !req
202. Our fathers came across the prairie...Copy !req
203. ...fought Indians, fought drought,
fought locusts, fought Dix!Copy !req
204. Remember when Richard Dix came in here
and tried to take over this town?Copy !req
205. We didn't give up then...Copy !req
206. ...and by gum,
we're not gonna give up now!Copy !req
207. Olson Johnson is right!Copy !req
208. What kind of people are we anyhow?
I say we stay and fight it out.Copy !req
209. Dr. Samuel Johnson's right
about Olson Johnson's being right.Copy !req
210. And I'm not giving up
my ice-cream parlor...Copy !req
211. ...that I built with these two hands
for nothing or nobody!Copy !req
212. Howard Johnson is right!Copy !req
213. Thank you, Van.Copy !req
214. Well, if we're gonna stay...Copy !req
215. ...I think it's a big mistake.Copy !req
216. We're gonna need us a new sheriff.Copy !req
217. Now, who's it gonna be?Copy !req
218. Why don't we wire the governor
to send us a sheriff.Copy !req
219. Why should we get
our own men killed?Copy !req
220. Howard Johnson is right.
We'll wire the governor.Copy !req
221. Then let us pray for the deliverance
of our new sheriff.Copy !req
222. Will the congregation please rise?Copy !req
223. I shall now read from the books...Copy !req
224. ...of Matthew, Mark, Luke...Copy !req
225. ...and duck.Copy !req
226. We've got to do something.Copy !req
227. Governor, governor.Copy !req
228. - May I disturb you for a moment, sir?
- Yes, what is it?Copy !req
229. If you will just sign this, governor.
Right here.Copy !req
230. - Yes, yes. What the hell is it?
- Under the provisions of this bill...Copy !req
231. ...we would snatch
200,000 acres of Indian territory...Copy !req
232. ...which we have deemed unsafe
for their use at this time.Copy !req
233. - They're such children.
- Two hundred thousand acres?Copy !req
234. Two hundred thousand acres?Copy !req
235. - What will it cost, man? What will it cost?
- Aha.Copy !req
236. A box of these.Copy !req
237. Are you crazy? They'll never go
for it. Then again, they might.Copy !req
238. Little red devils love toys.
May I try one?Copy !req
239. - Please do, sir.
- Thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
240. These things are defective.Copy !req
241. - Right as usual, sir.
- Showoff!Copy !req
242. - Sir, just sign this, sir. Right here.
- Okay, give us a hand here.Copy !req
243. All right, sir.Copy !req
244. Work, work, work.
Work, work, work, work, work.Copy !req
245. Hello, boys, have a good night's rest?
I missed you.Copy !req
246. - Just one more bill for you to sign, sir.
- What the hell is this?Copy !req
247. This bill converts
the state hospital for the insane...Copy !req
248. ...into the William Le Petomane
Memorial Gambling Casino for the Insane.Copy !req
249. Gentlemen, this bill
will be a giant step forward...Copy !req
250. - ...in the treatment of the insane gambler.
- Yes, bravo. Beautiful.Copy !req
251. Thank you. Thank you, Hedy.
Thank you.Copy !req
252. - It's not Hedy. It's Hedley. Hedley Lamarr.
- What the hell are you worried about?Copy !req
253. This is 1874.
You'll be able to sue her.Copy !req
254. - Mmm.
- Mmm.Copy !req
255. - Just sign here, sir.
- Thank you.Copy !req
256. Thank you. Thank you very much.Copy !req
257. - That's it.
- All right, help me in with this.Copy !req
258. Just think of your secretary.Copy !req
259. That was a very good suggestion.Copy !req
260. - All right, sir.
- Thank you.Copy !req
261. - All right.
- Okay, is that it? Anything else?Copy !req
262. Just this urgent telegram
from Rock Ridge that arrived last Friday.Copy !req
263. Last Friday. Read it!
Read it, you wild bitch.Copy !req
264. "Sheriff murdered. Church meeting
bombed. Reign of terror must cease.Copy !req
265. - Send new sheriff immediately."
- Holy underwear!Copy !req
266. Sheriff murdered? Innocent women
and children blown to bits?!Copy !req
267. We've got to protect
our phony-baloney jobs.Copy !req
268. We must do something
about this immediately! Immediately!Copy !req
269. Harrumph, harrumph, harrumph.Copy !req
270. - I didn't get a harrumph out of him.
- Give the governor a harrumph.Copy !req
271. - Harrumph.
- You watch your ass.Copy !req
272. Gentlemen, please rest your sphincters.Copy !req
273. - Well put.
- Thank you very much, sir.Copy !req
274. As attorney general, I can assure you...Copy !req
275. ...a suitable sheriff will be found
to restore the peace in Rock Ridge.Copy !req
276. Meeting is adjourned.Copy !req
277. I am sorry, sir. I didn't mean
to overstep my bounds. You say that.Copy !req
278. - What?
- Meeting is adjourned.Copy !req
279. - It is?
- No. You say that, governor.Copy !req
280. - What?
- Meeting is adjourned.Copy !req
281. - It is?
- Play around with this for a while.Copy !req
282. Thank you, Hedy.Copy !req
283. - No, it's Hedley!
- It is?Copy !req
284. Give these out to some
of the boys in lieu of pay.Copy !req
285. Here you go. Frankie,
Johnny, Patsy, Kelly.Copy !req
286. And one for Miss Stein,
my beloved secretary.Copy !req
287. Play with these, boys,
in lieu of the other things.Copy !req
288. This frigging thing is warped.Copy !req
289. Why do I always get a warped one?Copy !req
290. A sheriff!Copy !req
291. But law and order
is the last thing I want.Copy !req
292. Wait a minute.Copy !req
293. Maybe I can turn this thing
into my advantage.Copy !req
294. If I could find a sheriff...Copy !req
295. ...who so offends
the citizens of Rock Ridge...Copy !req
296. ...that his very appearance
would drive them out of town.Copy !req
297. But where would I find such a man?Copy !req
298. Why am I asking you?Copy !req
299. Oh, welcome to Hanging House.Copy !req
300. Not to worry.Copy !req
301. Everyone is equal in my eye.Copy !req
302. Not my ear. Not in my ear.Copy !req
303. - Not in the ear. Not in the ear.
- Sir?Copy !req
304. Governor?Copy !req
305. - Yes?
- Official business, sir.Copy !req
306. - Is it important?
- It's very crucial.Copy !req
307. Be with you in a minute.Copy !req
308. Throw something on
and stay in that position.Copy !req
309. Oh, sorry, gentlemen.Copy !req
310. Forgive me, I was just walking
the parapet, taking a look around.Copy !req
311. - What can I do for you?
- Governor, as per your instructions...Copy !req
312. ...I'd like you to meet
the new sheriff of Rock Ridge.Copy !req
313. I'd be delight-- Wow!Copy !req
314. I've got to talk to you.
Come here.Copy !req
315. Have you gone berserk?
Can't you see that that man is a ni--?Copy !req
316. Wrong person. Forgive me.
No offense intended.Copy !req
317. Have you gone berserk?
Can't you see that man is a ni--?Copy !req
318. - Don't worry, sir.
- I've always trusted your judgment...Copy !req
319. ...but haven't you taken a giant leap
from your good senses?Copy !req
320. Please don't fly off the handle, sir.Copy !req
321. I am about to make you
an historic figure.Copy !req
322. - Maybe even get you a cabinet post.
- A cabinet post!Copy !req
323. - Yes.
- Did you say that?Copy !req
324. - I said that.
- Wonderful.Copy !req
325. Yes, the first man ever to appoint
a black sheriff.Copy !req
326. - Just think, sir. Washington, Jefferson--
- Lincoln.Copy !req
327. - Le Petomane!
- Oh!Copy !req
328. Sir, you have the seeds
of greatness in you.Copy !req
329. Nurse them, caress them,
pour water on them.Copy !req
330. Don't shortchange yourself, sir.Copy !req
331. It'll never work.
They'll kill him dead in one day.Copy !req
332. One day is all we'll need to secure your
name in the annals of Western history.Copy !req
333. And to get, for you, a nomination for--
Dare I say?Copy !req
334. - Dare. Dare.
- The presidency!Copy !req
335. - Wow! Oh!
- Hail to the chief!Copy !req
336. Hail to the chief!Copy !req
337. Fourscore and seven years ago...Copy !req
338. ...our forefathers
brought forth on this--Copy !req
339. - Bill, are you coming back?
- In a moment, dear.Copy !req
340. Gentlemen, affairs of state
must take precedent...Copy !req
341. - ...over the affairs of state.
- Yes, of course, sir. We understand.Copy !req
342. - Will you make the arrangements?
- I will make all the arrangements.Copy !req
343. Especially the funeral.Copy !req
344. Good luck, boys.
Wonderful working with you.Copy !req
345. Good luck!Copy !req
346. Hurry up, get those flags up.
He'll be here soon.Copy !req
347. Hey! I just got a telegram
from the governor's office.Copy !req
348. The sheriff will be here at noon!Copy !req
349. Noon? I'd better rehearse my speech.Copy !req
350. "As honorary chairman
of the welcoming committee...Copy !req
351. ...it is my privilege to extend to you...Copy !req
352. ...a Laurel and Hardy handshake."Copy !req
353. - Wonderful!
- Lovely.Copy !req
354. - Excellent.
- Gabby, can you see him yet?Copy !req
355. The sheriff's coming.Copy !req
356. - Ring out the church bells.
- Strike up the band.Copy !req
357. Hey! The sheriff is a ni--Copy !req
358. - What did he say?
- The sheriff is near.Copy !req
359. No!Copy !req
360. The sheriff is a ni--Copy !req
361. Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!Copy !req
362. "As chairman
of the welcoming committee...Copy !req
363. ...it is my privilege to extend a Laurel...Copy !req
364. ...and Hardy handshake to our new--"Copy !req
365. Nigger.Copy !req
366. Excuse me while I whip this out.Copy !req
367. "By the power vested in me...Copy !req
368. ...by the Honorable
William J. Le Petomane...Copy !req
369. ...I hereby assume the duties
of the office of sheriff...Copy !req
370. ...in and for the township
of Rock Ridge."Copy !req
371. Gentlemen, let us
not allow anger to rule the day.Copy !req
372. As your spiritual leader, I implore you...Copy !req
373. ...to pay heed to this good book
and what it has to say.Copy !req
374. Son...Copy !req
375. ...you're on your own.Copy !req
376. Hold it!Copy !req
377. The next man makes a move,
the nigger gets it.Copy !req
378. Hold it, men. He's not bluffing.Copy !req
379. Listen to him, men.
He's just crazy enough to do it.Copy !req
380. Drop it, or I swear I'll blow
this nigger's head all over this town!Copy !req
381. Lordy, Lord,
he's desperate. Do what he say.Copy !req
382. Do what he say!Copy !req
383. Isn't anybody gonna help
that poor man?Copy !req
384. Hush, Harriett.
That's a sure way to get him killed.Copy !req
385. Help me! Help me! Help me!Copy !req
386. Somebody help me!
Help me! Help me!Copy !req
387. Help me!Copy !req
388. Shut up!Copy !req
389. Oh, baby, you are so talented.Copy !req
390. And they are so dumb.Copy !req
391. Order.Copy !req
392. Order.Copy !req
393. Goddamn it! I said, order!Copy !req
394. You know, Nietzsche says:Copy !req
395. "Out of chaos comes order."Copy !req
396. Blow it out your ass, Howard.Copy !req
397. Oh.Copy !req
398. Now, everyone be quiet...Copy !req
399. ...whilst we listen
to Harriett Van Johnson...Copy !req
400. ...our esteemed school marm,
as she reads a telegram...Copy !req
401. ...that she herself has composed
to the governor...Copy !req
402. ...expressing our feelings...Copy !req
403. ...about the new sheriff.Copy !req
404. "To the Honorable
William J. Le Petomane, governor."Copy !req
405. - We can't hear you!
- Forgive me.Copy !req
406. I'm not used to public speaking.Copy !req
407. "We, the white,
God-fearing citizens of Rock Ridge...Copy !req
408. ...wish to express
our extreme displeasure...Copy !req
409. ...with your choice of sheriff.Copy !req
410. Please remove him immediately.Copy !req
411. The fact that you have sent him here...Copy !req
412. ...just goes to prove...Copy !req
413. ...that you are the leading asshole
in the state."Copy !req
414. The drunk in number two must be awake.Copy !req
415. Are we awake?Copy !req
416. We're not sure.Copy !req
417. Are we black?Copy !req
418. Yes, we are.Copy !req
419. Then we're awake...Copy !req
420. ...but we're very puzzled.Copy !req
421. I think I'd better straighten myself out.Copy !req
422. Need any help?Copy !req
423. Oh.Copy !req
424. All I can get.Copy !req
425. Thanks.Copy !req
426. That's okay. Sit down over here.Copy !req
427. Hey, maybe you should
eat something first.Copy !req
428. No, thanks. Food makes me sick.Copy !req
429. A man drink like that and he don't eat,
he is going to die.Copy !req
430. When?Copy !req
431. - What's your name?
- Well, my name is Jim.Copy !req
432. But most people call me...Copy !req
433. ...Jim.Copy !req
434. Okay, Jim, since you are my guest
and I am your host...Copy !req
435. ...what are your pleasures?
What do you like to do?Copy !req
436. Oh, I don't know.Copy !req
437. Play chess.Copy !req
438. Screw.Copy !req
439. Well, let's play chess.Copy !req
440. Checkmate.Copy !req
441. - What?
- Checkmate.Copy !req
442. Why, you devious son of a bitch.Copy !req
443. Happy days.Copy !req
444. Man, why you do that to yourself?Copy !req
445. You don't really wanna know that.Copy !req
446. - I do, I do.
- Well, if you must pry....Copy !req
447. I must, I must.Copy !req
448. I don't know if you ever
heard of me before...Copy !req
449. ...but I used to be called...Copy !req
450. ...the Waco Kid.Copy !req
451. The Waco Kid.
He had the fastest hands in the West.Copy !req
452. In the world.Copy !req
453. Well, if you're the Kid,
then show me something.Copy !req
454. Oh.Copy !req
455. Maybe a couple of years ago
I could have shown you something...Copy !req
456. ...but today....Copy !req
457. - Look at that.
- Steady as a rock.Copy !req
458. Yeah, but I shoot with this hand.Copy !req
459. See, I knew you wasn't no Waco Kid.Copy !req
460. You was just pulling my lariat.Copy !req
461. Oh, dearie, dear.Copy !req
462. Well....Copy !req
463. Okay.Copy !req
464. See that king?Copy !req
465. - Yeah.
- Put your hands on both sides of it.Copy !req
466. Now, when I say "go"...Copy !req
467. ...you try to grab it first.Copy !req
468. Man, that's no contest.
You a mile away.Copy !req
469. Yeah.Copy !req
470. Yeah.Copy !req
471. Anyway, when you hear the word "go"...Copy !req
472. ...you just try to grab it.Copy !req
473. Ready?Copy !req
474. Ready.Copy !req
475. Go!Copy !req
476. Hey.Copy !req
477. You looking for this?Copy !req
478. Well, raise my rent.Copy !req
479. - You are the Kid.
- Was.Copy !req
480. Yeah, I was the Kid.Copy !req
481. Well, what happened?Copy !req
482. Oh, well, it got so that every prairie punk
who thought he could shoot a gun...Copy !req
483. ...would ride into town
to try out the Waco Kid.Copy !req
484. I must have killed more men
than Cecil B. De Mille.Copy !req
485. It got pretty gritty.Copy !req
486. I started to hear the word "draw"
in my sleep.Copy !req
487. Then one day...Copy !req
488. ...I was just
walking down the street...Copy !req
489. ...and I heard a voice behind me say:Copy !req
490. "Reach for it, mister."Copy !req
491. I spun around.Copy !req
492. And there I was face to face...Copy !req
493. ...with a 6-year-old kid.Copy !req
494. Well, I just threw my guns down
and walked away.Copy !req
495. The little bastard shot me in the ass.Copy !req
496. So I limped to the nearest saloon...Copy !req
497. ...crawled inside a whiskey bottle...Copy !req
498. ...and I've been there ever since.Copy !req
499. Have a drink.Copy !req
500. Thanks.Copy !req
501. Anyway, that's all ancient history.Copy !req
502. Now, you tell me your story.
What's a dazzling urbanite like you...Copy !req
503. ...doing in a rustic setting like this?Copy !req
504. If you really must pry....Copy !req
505. Oh, I must, I must.Copy !req
506. Well, back in '56...Copy !req
507. ...my folks and I were part of
this long wagon train...Copy !req
508. ...moving West.Copy !req
509. Well, not exactly part of it.Copy !req
510. You might say
we was bringing up the rear...Copy !req
511. ...when suddenly,
from out of the west...Copy !req
512. ...came the entire Sioux nation.Copy !req
513. And let me tell you, baby,
they was open for business.Copy !req
514. Naturally, the white folks
didn't let us travel in their circle...Copy !req
515. ...so we made our own.Copy !req
516. - Cop a walk. It's all right.
- Thank you.Copy !req
517. - Thank you.
- Thank you.Copy !req
518. Take off.Copy !req
519. They darker than us! Woof!Copy !req
520. And the rest is history.Copy !req
521. Impressed?Copy !req
522. Always like to keep
my audience riveted.Copy !req
523. Goddamn!Copy !req
524. - How about more beans, Mr. Taggart?
- I'd say you've had enough.Copy !req
525. I understand there's a new sheriff
in town.Copy !req
526. - Who wants to kill him?
- I do! I do! Me! Me!Copy !req
527. - Me! Me! Me!
- Mr. Taggart? Mr. Taggart, sir?Copy !req
528. Why don't we give him to Mongo.Copy !req
529. Mongo?! Holy shit, that's too cruel.Copy !req
530. I'll be danged. That is a unique idea.Copy !req
531. Down, boy. Down.Copy !req
532. Down, Mongo. Down, boy.Copy !req
533. Here, it's me, Taggart, your old boss.
Here, smell. Smell.Copy !req
534. Smell, boy. Yeah.
Yeah, that's a good Mongo.Copy !req
535. That's a good Mongo. Yeah.Copy !req
536. Hey, how about it? How would you
like to mutilate that new sheriff?Copy !req
537. All right! Here, have a cigar.Copy !req
538. Oh, by the way,
I got a note this morning.Copy !req
539. - From who?
- Well, I'm not sure.Copy !req
540. It was addressed to the "deputy spade."Copy !req
541. Well, once I establish myself
in this here town...Copy !req
542. ...deputy spade might turn out
to be a groovy position.Copy !req
543. Here.Copy !req
544. Listen, Bart...Copy !req
545. ...I want you to do me a favor.Copy !req
546. I don't
want you going out there this morning.Copy !req
547. You can't win these people over,
no matter what.Copy !req
548. They're just not gonna accept you.Copy !req
549. I'm glad those fingers ain't loaded.Copy !req
550. Woo.Copy !req
551. Just like old times.Copy !req
552. Like I told you,
once you establish yourself...Copy !req
553. ...they've got to accept you.Copy !req
554. Catch you later.Copy !req
555. Good luck.Copy !req
556. Well, good morning, ma'am.Copy !req
557. And isn't it a lovely morning?Copy !req
558. Up yours, nigger!Copy !req
559. What did you expect?
"Welcome, sonny...Copy !req
560. ...make yourself at home"?Copy !req
561. "Marry my daughter"?Copy !req
562. You've got to remember
that these are just simple farmers.Copy !req
563. These are people of the land.Copy !req
564. The common clay of the new West.Copy !req
565. You know...Copy !req
566. ...morons.Copy !req
567. What the hell is that?Copy !req
568. Mongo!Copy !req
569. Santa Maria!Copy !req
570. I believe in it. Any one of you
friends and neighbors gather around--Copy !req
571. Holy shit!Copy !req
572. And they say that now,
in Paris, France...Copy !req
573. ...even as we speak...Copy !req
574. ...Louis Pasteur has devised
a new vaccine...Copy !req
575. ...that will obliterate anthrax
once and for all.Copy !req
576. Hey, you can't
park that animal over there.Copy !req
577. It's illegal.Copy !req
578. Think of it, gentlemen,
hoof-and-mouth disease...Copy !req
579. - ...a thing of the past.
- Never mind that shit.Copy !req
580. Here comes Mongo!Copy !req
581. I don't know what it is.Copy !req
582. Sheriff, Mongo's back! He's--Copy !req
583. Sheriff, Mongo's back.
He's breaking up the whole town.Copy !req
584. You've got to help us, please!Copy !req
585. Did you hear that?
Now, it's "please."Copy !req
586. This morning, I couldn't get
the time of day.Copy !req
587. Who is this Mongo anyway?Copy !req
588. Well, Mongo ain't exactly a who,
he's more of a what.Copy !req
589. - What he said.
- Well, now, I don't know--Copy !req
590. Oh, thank you, sheriff.
Oh, thank you very much.Copy !req
591. Thank you.Copy !req
592. The fool's going to--Copy !req
593. I mean, the sheriff's going to do it.Copy !req
594. No, no, don't do that. Don't do that.Copy !req
595. If you shoot him,
you'll just make him mad.Copy !req
596. Candy-gram for Mongo.Copy !req
597. Candy-gram for Mongo.Copy !req
598. Candy-gram for Mongo.Copy !req
599. - Candy-gram for Mongo.
- Me Mongo.Copy !req
600. Sign, please.Copy !req
601. Thank you.Copy !req
602. Mongo like candy.Copy !req
603. - A little further down, to the right.
- You know...Copy !req
604. ...I thought sure that Mongo
would just mash him up...Copy !req
605. ...into little sheriff meatballs.
I just don't understand it.Copy !req
606. - Be still, Taggart.
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
607. My mind is a raging torrent,
flooded with rivulets of thought...Copy !req
608. ...cascading into a waterfall
of creative alternatives.Copy !req
609. Goldarn it, Mr. Lamarr...Copy !req
610. ...you use your tongue prettier
than a $20 whore.Copy !req
611. Shitkicker.Copy !req
612. Wait a minute. That's it!Copy !req
613. Of course. And it will work!Copy !req
614. You bet it will. What will work?Copy !req
615. Elementary, cactus-head.
The beast has failed.Copy !req
616. And when the beast fails,
it's time to call in beauty.Copy !req
617. - Beauty?
- Yes, of course.Copy !req
618. She's never failed me before.
She'll turn him into jelly.Copy !req
619. She'll bring him to his knees.Copy !req
620. Where's my froggy? Where's my froggy?!Copy !req
621. - I didn't see it when I come in.
- Look, damn your eyes, look for it!Copy !req
622. - Taggart.
- Sorry, sir.Copy !req
623. Hurry, get it. Will you look around?Copy !req
624. - There it is.
- Give it to me. Hurry!Copy !req
625. Quick, Taggart! Quick!Copy !req
626. That was a close one.Copy !req
627. Daddy loves froggy.
Froggy love Daddy?Copy !req
628. Ribbit.Copy !req
629. Ribbit.Copy !req
630. - I don't know how you did it.
- Oh, he was nothing.Copy !req
631. The bitch was inventing the candy-gram.Copy !req
632. And they probably
won't give me credit for it.Copy !req
633. Good evening, sheriff.
Sorry about the "up yours, nigger."Copy !req
634. I hope this apple pie
will, in some small way, say thank you...Copy !req
635. ...for your ingenuity and courage
in defeating that horrible Mongo.Copy !req
636. Well, thank you. Much obliged.
Good night.Copy !req
637. Of course, you'll have the good taste
not to mention that I spoke to you.Copy !req
638. - Of course.
- Thank you.Copy !req
639. Good night.Copy !req
640. Huh, I'm rapidly becoming
a big underground success in this town.Copy !req
641. See, in another 25 years you'll be able
to shake their hands in broad daylight.Copy !req
642. Well, I ain't gonna
hold my breath for it.Copy !req
643. Come on, I don't wanna be late.Copy !req
644. That Lili Von Shtupp
is opening tonight.Copy !req
645. - Lili Von who?
- Shtupp.Copy !req
646. Welcome. Come on in.Copy !req
647. - Lili.
- Hedy.Copy !req
648. It's Hedley. For you, my dear.Copy !req
649. Oh.Copy !req
650. How ordinary.Copy !req
651. Oh, Lili. Lili, Lili, Lili, legs.Copy !req
652. Lili, Lili.Copy !req
653. I cannot find the words
to truly express my joy...Copy !req
654. ...at the rekindling
of our association.Copy !req
655. Bullshit. What's the job?Copy !req
656. I love it when you talk dirty.Copy !req
657. Come on, Lamarr, let's get down
to brass tacks.Copy !req
658. What do you want me to do?Copy !req
659. I want you to seduce and abandon
the sheriff of Rock Ridge.Copy !req
660. You think you can do it?Copy !req
661. Is Bismarck a herring?Copy !req
662. Oh, Lili, you're magnificent.Copy !req
663. Kiss me.Copy !req
664. And now, folks...Copy !req
665. ...that gal y'all have been
waiting for...Copy !req
666. ...the Bavarian bombshell herself.Copy !req
667. Let's hear it for Lili Von Shtupp!Copy !req
668. Here I stand, the goddess of desireCopy !req
669. Set men on fireCopy !req
670. I have this powerCopy !req
671. Morning, noon and night
It's drink and dancingCopy !req
672. Some quick romancingCopy !req
673. And then a showerCopy !req
674. Stagedoor Johnnies
Constantly surround meCopy !req
675. They always hound me
With one requestCopy !req
676. Who can satisfy their lustful habit?Copy !req
677. I'm not a rabbitCopy !req
678. I need some restCopy !req
679. I'm tiredCopy !req
680. Sick and tired of loveCopy !req
681. I've had my fill of loveCopy !req
682. From below and aboveCopy !req
683. TiredCopy !req
684. Tired of being admiredCopy !req
685. Tired of love uninspiredCopy !req
686. Let's face it
I'm tiredCopy !req
687. I've been with thousands of menCopy !req
688. Again and againCopy !req
689. They promise the moonCopy !req
690. They're always coming and goingCopy !req
691. And going and comingCopy !req
692. And always too soonCopy !req
693. Right, girls?Copy !req
694. I'm tiredCopy !req
695. Tired of playing the gameCopy !req
696. Ain't it a crying shame?Copy !req
697. I'm so tiredCopy !req
698. Goddamn it, I'm exhausted.Copy !req
699. - Hello, cowboy. What's your name?
- Tex, ma'am.Copy !req
700. Tex Ma'am? Tell me, Tex Ma'am...Copy !req
701. - ...are you in show business?
- Nope.Copy !req
702. Well, then why don't you get
your frigging feet off the stage!Copy !req
703. Hello, handsome.
Is that a 10-gallon hat...Copy !req
704. ...or are you just enjoying the show?Copy !req
705. - Oh, Miss Lili. Oh, my lovely baby.
- My God.Copy !req
706. Oh, my pussycat.Copy !req
707. Wanna dance, baby?
Oh!Copy !req
708. TiredCopy !req
709. Tired of playing the gameCopy !req
710. Ain't it a crying shame?Copy !req
711. I'm so tiredCopy !req
712. - She's tired
- She's tiredCopy !req
713. - Sick and tired of love
- Give her a breakCopy !req
714. - She's had her fill of love
- She's not a snakeCopy !req
715. - From below and above
- Can't you see she's sick?Copy !req
716. - Tired
- She's bushedCopy !req
717. - Tired of being admired
- Let her aloneCopy !req
718. Tired of love uninspiredCopy !req
719. - Don't you know?
- She's tiredCopy !req
720. Don't you know she's pooped?Copy !req
721. I've been with thousands of menCopy !req
722. Again and againCopy !req
723. They sing the same tuneCopy !req
724. They start with Byron and ShelleyCopy !req
725. Then jump on your belly
And bust your balloonCopy !req
726. TiredCopy !req
727. TiredCopy !req
728. Tired of playing the gameCopy !req
729. Ain't it a frigging shame?Copy !req
730. I'm so--Copy !req
731. Let's face it...Copy !req
732. ...everything below the waist
is kaput!Copy !req
733. TiredCopy !req
734. What's it say?Copy !req
735. "I must see you alone
in my dressing room...Copy !req
736. ...right after the show."Copy !req
737. Welcome. Come on in.Copy !req
738. Far out.Copy !req
739. For you.Copy !req
740. Ooh.Copy !req
741. A red rose.Copy !req
742. How romantic.Copy !req
743. Have a seat, sheriff.Copy !req
744. Won't you excuse me
for a moment...Copy !req
745. ...while I slip into something
a little bit more comfortable?Copy !req
746. Bitte, baby.Copy !req
747. Oh.Copy !req
748. Why don't you...Copy !req
749. ...loosen your bullets.Copy !req
750. Ah. I feel refreshed.Copy !req
751. Isn't it bright in here?Copy !req
752. There. Isn't that better?Copy !req
753. Pardon me, I'll be back in a moment.Copy !req
754. Goddamn it.Copy !req
755. - How's it going?
- He's like wet sauerkraut in my hands.Copy !req
756. - By morning, he will be my slave.
- Splendid.Copy !req
757. - Just let me have a little feel.
- Out of here!Copy !req
758. Where were we? Where are you?Copy !req
759. Ah. Oh, yes. Let me sit down
next to you.Copy !req
760. Uh....Copy !req
761. Tell me, schwarzie...Copy !req
762. ...is it true what they say
about the way you people are gifted?Copy !req
763. Oh, it's true.Copy !req
764. It's true.Copy !req
765. It's true, it's true.Copy !req
766. Would you care for
another schnitzengruben?Copy !req
767. No, thank you.
Fifteen is my limit on schnitzengruben.Copy !req
768. Well, then, how about a little...?Copy !req
769. Baby, please, I am not from Havana.Copy !req
770. Excuse me, honey.Copy !req
771. Besides, I'm late for work.
I got some heavy chores to do.Copy !req
772. Will I...? Will I see you later?Copy !req
773. That all depends on how much
vitamin E I can get my hands on.Copy !req
774. No, no, you mustn't go. I need you.
I never met nobody like you.Copy !req
775. I can't live without you.Copy !req
776. Please, you're making
a German spectacle of yourself.Copy !req
777. Auf Wiedersehen, baby.Copy !req
778. Oh, what a nice guy.Copy !req
779. Oh, dearie dear.
Look what the cat dragged in.Copy !req
780. Hey.Copy !req
781. - What's happening in the clean world?
- Oh, bad news.Copy !req
782. I got a writ here for Mongo's release
signed by Hedley Lamarr himself.Copy !req
783. Hedley Lamarr?Copy !req
784. Why would a dude like Hedley Lamarr
care about Mongo?Copy !req
785. You got me.Copy !req
786. It's legal.Copy !req
787. Oh, them schnitzengrubens
can wipe you out.Copy !req
788. Wake-up time!Copy !req
789. Okay, Mongo, you're free to go.Copy !req
790. Mongo no go.Copy !req
791. Oh, come on, Mongo.
You a free man.Copy !req
792. Mongo stay with Sheriff Bart.Copy !req
793. Sheriff first man ever whip Mongo.Copy !req
794. Mongo impressed.
Have deep feelings for Sheriff Bart.Copy !req
795. Oh, you better watch out, big fella.Copy !req
796. I think Mongo's taken
a little fancy to you.Copy !req
797. Oh....Copy !req
798. Mongo straight.Copy !req
799. Listen, Mongo. Maybe you know.Copy !req
800. Why is a high roller like Hedley Lamarr
interested in Rock Ridge?Copy !req
801. Don't know.Copy !req
802. Got to do with where choo-choo go.Copy !req
803. Mongo, why would Hedley Lamarr care
about where the choo-choo go?Copy !req
804. Don't know.Copy !req
805. Mongo only pawn in game of life.Copy !req
806. Choo-choo. I think this might be
a good time to mosey out...Copy !req
807. ...where they're building on the railroad
and maybe do a little snooping.Copy !req
808. Damn. Damn.Copy !req
809. Damn!Copy !req
810. How you doing?
Hey, how you doing, Bart?Copy !req
811. Hey, Bart! Hey!Copy !req
812. Hey, how you doing, Bart?
Woo! Get down off that horse.Copy !req
813. - What's happening?
- Yeah, man.Copy !req
814. - Yeah! What's going on, big dude?
- You shifty nigga!Copy !req
815. - They said you was hung!
- And they was right.Copy !req
816. Ooh, look at that star.
Hoo-ee! Civil Service.Copy !req
817. - Give me some more of that.
- All right, yeah.Copy !req
818. Wait, wait. Back off, scamp.Copy !req
819. You are addressing
the duly-appointed sheriff of Rock Ridge.Copy !req
820. Rock Ridge? Hey, the railroad's
going through there.Copy !req
821. Back up off him, brother!
Don't you rush him, brother...Copy !req
822. ...and mess up the brother's fines.Copy !req
823. Well, holy mother of pearl.Copy !req
824. It's that nigger that went and hit me
on the head with a shovel.Copy !req
825. Now, what the hell do you think
you're doing with that tin star, boy?Copy !req
826. Watch that "boy" shit, redneck.
You talking to the sheriff of Rock Ridge.Copy !req
827. Well, now, if that don't beat all.Copy !req
828. Here we take the good time and trouble...Copy !req
829. ...to slaughter every last Indian in the West,
and for what?Copy !req
830. So they can appoint a sheriff
that's blacker than any Indian.Copy !req
831. I am depressed.Copy !req
832. Excuse me, Mr. Taggart, sir,
but I sure do hate to see you like this.Copy !req
833. What if me and the boys
was to shoot that nigger dead?Copy !req
834. - Would that pep you up some?
- That might help.Copy !req
835. - All right, boys. On the count of three.
- I wouldn't do that if I were you.Copy !req
836. Don't pay no attention to that alky.
He can't hold a gun, much less shoot it.Copy !req
837. Like I said, on the count of three.Copy !req
838. One.Copy !req
839. Two.Copy !req
840. Three.Copy !req
841. Well, don't just sit there looking stupid,
grasping your hands in pain.Copy !req
842. How about a little applause
for the Waco Kid?Copy !req
843. All right, I'm through being Mr. Goodbar.Copy !req
844. The time has come to act, and act quickly.
All of my plans have backfired.Copy !req
845. Instead of leaving,
folks are staying in droves.Copy !req
846. Why don't you admit it.
He's too much of a man for you. I know.Copy !req
847. You gonna need an army to beat him.
You're finished.Copy !req
848. Shut up! You Teutonic twat.Copy !req
849. I must think.Copy !req
850. Wait a minute. She said "army."Copy !req
851. Of course.Copy !req
852. An army of the worst dregs
ever to soil the face of the West.Copy !req
853. - Taggart!
- Yes, sir?Copy !req
854. I've decided to launch an attack
that will reduce Rock Ridge to ashes.Copy !req
855. - What do you want me to do?
- Round up...Copy !req
856. ...every vicious criminal and gunslinger
in the West. Take this down.Copy !req
857. I want rustlers, cutthroats,
murderers, bounty hunters...Copy !req
858. ...desperadoes, mugs, pugs, thugs,
nitwits, half-wits, dimwits...Copy !req
859. ...vipers, snipers, con men,
Indian agents, Mexican bandits...Copy !req
860. ...muggers, buggerers,
bushwhackers, hornswogglers...Copy !req
861. ...horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers,
bank robbers, asskickers...Copy !req
862. ...shitkickers and Methodists!Copy !req
863. Could you repeat that, sir?Copy !req
864. Where's everybody going?Copy !req
865. Read this.Copy !req
866. Well, can't you see that's the last act
of a desperate man?Copy !req
867. We don't care if it's the first act
of Henry V. We're leaving.Copy !req
868. Now, wait a minute.
Wait just one doggone minute here.Copy !req
869. Just give me 24 hours to come up
with a brilliant idea to save our town.Copy !req
870. - Just 24 hours, that's all I ask.
- No!Copy !req
871. - You'd do it for Randolph Scott.
- Randolph Scott.Copy !req
872. All right, sheriff, 24 hours.Copy !req
873. Black son of a bitch! I ought to--Copy !req
874. Next!Copy !req
875. - Qualifications?
- Rape, murder, arson and rape.Copy !req
876. - You said "rape" twice.
- I like rape.Copy !req
877. - He'll do.
- Charming. Sign right here.Copy !req
878. Take that badge.Copy !req
879. Next!Copy !req
880. Qualifications?Copy !req
881. Arson, armed robbery, mayhem--Copy !req
882. Wait a moment.
What have you got in your mouth?Copy !req
883. - Nothing.
- Nothing, eh? Lyle.Copy !req
884. - Gum.
- Chewing gum on line, eh?Copy !req
885. I hope you brought enough
for everybody.Copy !req
886. I didn't know there was gonna be
so many.Copy !req
887. Boy, is he strict.Copy !req
888. We gotta get in there close
and find out what's happening.Copy !req
889. There's our ticket.Copy !req
890. Hey, boys!Copy !req
891. Look what I got here.Copy !req
892. Hey, where the white women at?Copy !req
893. Man, that was pretty. I liked that.Copy !req
894. Be ready to attack Rock Ridge
at noon tomorrow. Here's your badge.Copy !req
895. Badges?Copy !req
896. We don't need no stinking badges!Copy !req
897. Next!Copy !req
898. - Qualifications?
- Stampeding cattle.Copy !req
899. - That's not much of a crime.
- Through the Vatican?Copy !req
900. Kinky. Sign here.Copy !req
901. Why, Rhett, how many times
have I told you...Copy !req
902. ...to wash up after weekly cross-burning?Copy !req
903. See? It's coming off.Copy !req
904. And now, for my next impression,
Jesse Owens.Copy !req
905. Seize them! Catch them! Get them!Copy !req
906. Mount up, men!
We'll head them off at the pass!Copy !req
907. "Head them off at the pass"?
I hate that cliché.Copy !req
908. What you--?Copy !req
909. - Say hello.
- Hello.Copy !req
910. Listen to me, and listen to me good.Copy !req
911. Get all the brothers together.Copy !req
912. Round up all the lumber, canvas, paint
and nails you can lay your hands on...Copy !req
913. ...and meet me tonight, three miles
due east of Rock Ridge at midnight.Copy !req
914. - You understand? Say goodbye.
- Goodbye.Copy !req
915. Thanks a lot, brother.Copy !req
916. - Get up.
- What's happening?Copy !req
917. Get up, man. Listen, we gotta
get some nails, canvas and a wagon.Copy !req
918. Folks, I know you're confused,
wondering what you're doing...Copy !req
919. - ...in the prairie in the middle of the night.
- You bet your ass!Copy !req
920. I'm hip.Copy !req
921. Now, before the sun comes up,
we're gonna build on this site...Copy !req
922. ...an exact replica of the town
of Rock Ridge.Copy !req
923. Every building, every storefront,
every rock and every tree...Copy !req
924. ...right down to the orange roof
on Howard Johnson's outhouse.Copy !req
925. Ah!Copy !req
926. I get it! Tomorrow, when Hedley Lamarr
and his men come riding in...Copy !req
927. ...to destroy the real Rock Ridge,
they'll destroy the fake Rock Ridge.Copy !req
928. They'll think it's the real Rock Ridge,
but we'll know it's the fake Rock Ridge.Copy !req
929. How are we gonna do it?
We ain't got the time or the people.Copy !req
930. Wrong! There's why.Copy !req
931. Who the hell are they?Copy !req
932. Railroad workers.Copy !req
933. They've agreed to help us
make our dream come true.Copy !req
934. All they ask in return is a little plot of land
they can call their own to homestead.Copy !req
935. Now, what do you say?Copy !req
936. Um....Copy !req
937. All right. We'll give some land
to the niggers and the Chinks...Copy !req
938. ...but we don't want the Irish.Copy !req
939. - Everybody. Come on.
- No deal.Copy !req
940. Ah, prairie shit.Copy !req
941. Everybody.Copy !req
942. Oh, Lord!Copy !req
943. Do we have the strength...Copy !req
944. ...to carry on this mighty task
in one night?Copy !req
945. - Or are we just jerking off?
- Amen.Copy !req
946. Okay, okay. We have done it.Copy !req
947. Now let's see what we have done.Copy !req
948. Men, you are about
to embark on a great crusade...Copy !req
949. ...to stamp out runaway decency
in the West.Copy !req
950. Now, you will only be risking your lives...Copy !req
951. ...whilst I will be risking an almost certain
Academy Award nomination...Copy !req
952. ...for Best Supporting Actor.Copy !req
953. Now raise your right hand
for the pledge.Copy !req
954. Right!Copy !req
955. - Now repeat after me. I...
- I...Copy !req
956. - ...your name....
- ...your name....Copy !req
957. Schmucks.Copy !req
958. - Pledge allegiance...
- Pledge allegiance...Copy !req
959. - ...to Hedley Lamarr....
- ...to Hedy Lamarr....Copy !req
960. - That's "Hedley"!
- That's Hedley!Copy !req
961. - And to the evil...
- And to the evil...Copy !req
962. - ...for which he stands.
- ...for which he stands.Copy !req
963. Now go do that voodoo...Copy !req
964. ...that you do so well!Copy !req
965. Hold it! Hold it!Copy !req
966. Hold the happiness. We are in trouble.Copy !req
967. Yep, we forgot one little detail.Copy !req
968. Nothing's missing. Everything's here,
down to the last hitching post.Copy !req
969. - People. There's no people.
- Hey, now, don't panic. Don't panic.Copy !req
970. We just made a perfect copy
of Rock Ridge.Copy !req
971. Now all we've got to do
is make perfect copies of ourselves.Copy !req
972. But they'll be here in half an hour.Copy !req
973. Right, so we've got to start working fast.Copy !req
974. You men start working on the dummies.
Jim and Mongo, come with me.Copy !req
975. I got an idea that'll slow them down
to a crawl.Copy !req
976. - All right, let's go.
- You guys go over there.Copy !req
977. Yeah, that's nice. That's nice.Copy !req
978. Whoa!Copy !req
979. Le Petomane Thruway?!Copy !req
980. Now, what will that asshole think of next?Copy !req
981. - Has anybody got a dime?
- I don't have any change.Copy !req
982. Somebody's gotta go back
and get a shitload of dimes.Copy !req
983. Hurry up. Speed it up.
Hell, we ain't ever gonna get to Rock Ridge.Copy !req
984. Come on, move them through.
Move them through.Copy !req
985. Well, they're through the tollbooth.Copy !req
986. Look at this, they're buying it.Copy !req
987. All right, here we go.
Hold your ears, folks.Copy !req
988. It's showtime.Copy !req
989. - Nothing.
- What are we gonna do?Copy !req
990. Any minute now they're gonna discover
that the town is fake and pull out.Copy !req
991. Jim, baby. You think you could squeeze off
a little shot from here...Copy !req
992. ...and set off the dynamite down there?Copy !req
993. I'll give it a try.Copy !req
994. Oh, Lord! Keep this man's eye keen.Copy !req
995. And may God grant--Copy !req
996. It's a fake!Copy !req
997. We've been suckered in!Copy !req
998. Okay, folks, let's wipe them out!Copy !req
999. Forgive me, Lord!Copy !req
1000. You son of a bitch!Copy !req
1001. Oh, sorry. Sorry.Copy !req
1002. All right, cut!Copy !req
1003. Wrong!Copy !req
1004. Okay. Just watch me. It's so simple.Copy !req
1005. You sissy Marys.Copy !req
1006. Give me the playback!
And watch me, faggots.Copy !req
1007. Shit.Copy !req
1008. - Have you got it?
- Yesssss.Copy !req
1009. Sounds like steam escaping.Copy !req
1010. Action! Okay, wait till I get out.
Wait till I get out.Copy !req
1011. Okay. Playback!Copy !req
1012. Cut!Copy !req
1013. What in the hell do you think
you're doing here? This is a closed set!Copy !req
1014. - Piss on you. I'm working for Mel Brooks.
- Not in the face!Copy !req
1015. Thank you.Copy !req
1016. They've hit Buddy! Come on, girls!Copy !req
1017. - You vulgar shit!
- Why, you miserable pansy.Copy !req
1018. I'm parked over by the commissary.Copy !req
1019. You brute, you brute, you brute.
You vicious brute!Copy !req
1020. All right. All right.Copy !req
1021. - How many days do you have left, Joey?
- They lose me right after the bunker scene.Copy !req
1022. What the hell is that?Copy !req
1023. Get your pies for the great pie fight!Copy !req
1024. This is our studio commissary,
where some Hollywood stars eat.Copy !req
1025. Keep in line.Copy !req
1026. And now we'll go to
the special-effects department.Copy !req
1027. Yankee bean soup,
coleslaw and tuna surprise.Copy !req
1028. What the fuck's all--?Copy !req
1029. Taxi!Copy !req
1030. Drive me off this picture.Copy !req
1031. You dropped your beads.
One, please.Copy !req
1032. Uh....Copy !req
1033. - Student?
- Are you kidding?Copy !req
1034. Pain in the ass.Copy !req
1035. - Look, Herman, I'm in Hedy Lamarr's shoes!
- Hedley.Copy !req
1036. Raisinets.Copy !req
1037. - Hey, watch out. Hey, you.
- Sorry.Copy !req
1038. Shit.Copy !req
1039. - Freeze it.
- Oh!Copy !req
1040. - Okay, Lamarr, go for your gun.
- Wait, wait, wait.Copy !req
1041. - I'm unarmed.
- All right, we'll settle it like men.Copy !req
1042. With our fists.Copy !req
1043. Sorry, I just remembered.
I am armed.Copy !req
1044. How did he do such
fantastic stunts with such little feet?Copy !req
1045. Wow. You shot the bad guy.Copy !req
1046. - What do you wanna do now?
- Let's check out the end of the flick.Copy !req
1047. Yeah. Gee, I sure hope there's a
happy ending. I love a happy ending.Copy !req
1048. Sheriff, you can't go now. We need you.Copy !req
1049. My work here is done.
I'm needed elsewhere now.Copy !req
1050. I'm needed wherever outlaws
rule the West.Copy !req
1051. Wherever innocent women and children
are afraid to walk the streets.Copy !req
1052. Wherever a man cannot live
in simple dignity.Copy !req
1053. And wherever a people
cry out for justice.Copy !req
1054. Bullshit.Copy !req
1055. All right, you caught me.Copy !req
1056. Speak the plain truth,
it's getting pretty damn dull around here.Copy !req
1057. Good luck, Bart. And God bless you.Copy !req
1058. Oh.Copy !req
1059. Oh, Bart!Copy !req
1060. Bye, baby bro.Copy !req
1061. - Keep the faith, brothers!
- Bye!Copy !req
1062. Where you headed, cowboy?Copy !req
1063. Nowhere special.Copy !req
1064. Nowhere special.Copy !req
1065. I always wanted to go there.Copy !req
1066. Come on.Copy !req