1. Blackadder, Blackadder.Copy !req
2. In the reign of good Queen Vic,Copy !req
3. there stood, in Dumpling Lane
in Old London Town,Copy !req
4. the moustache shop
of one Ebenezer Blackadder,Copy !req
5. the kindest and loveliest
man in all England.Copy !req
6. He's kind and
generous to the sick.Copy !req
7. He'd never spread
a nasty rumour.Copy !req
8. He never gets on people's wick.Copy !req
9. And doesn 't laugh at toilet humour.Copy !req
10. Blackadder, Blackadder.Copy !req
11. He's sickeningly good.Copy !req
12. Blackadder, Blackadder.Copy !req
13. As nice as Christmas pud.Copy !req
14. Humbug! Humbug!Copy !req
15. - Humbug, Mr Baldrick?
- Oh, thank you very much.Copy !req
16. I 've got all the presents.Copy !req
17. And I 've nearly finished
the Christmas cards.Copy !req
18. Splendid, let me see.Copy !req
19. "A very messy Christmas." Sorry,
Mr Baldrick, shouldn't that be "merry"?Copy !req
20. "A merry messy Christmas"?
All right, but it must be "messy."Copy !req
21. Messy cake, soggy pudding,
big wet kisses under the mistletoe.Copy !req
22. Yes... I fear, Mr Baldrick,Copy !req
23. the only way you'd get a big wet kiss
at Christmas,Copy !req
24. or any other time,
is to make a pass at a water closet.Copy !req
25. Be that as it may... "A
merry messy Christmas."Copy !req
26. "Christmas" has an "H" in it, Mr Baldrick.Copy !req
27. And an "R".Copy !req
28. Also an "I" and an "S", also a "T",
an "M", an "A" and another "S".Copy !req
29. And you've missed out the "C".Copy !req
30. Congratulations, Mr Baldrick, a triumph.Copy !req
31. You're the first to spell Christmas
without getting a single letter rightCopy !req
32. I was a bit rushed. I've been helping out
with the workhouse nativity play.Copy !req
33. - How did it go?
- Not very well.Copy !req
34. At the last moment, the
baby playing Jesus died.Copy !req
35. Oh, dear, this high
infant mortality rate's a real devilCopy !req
36. when it comes to staging
quality children's theatre.Copy !req
37. - What did you do?
- Got another Jesus.Copy !req
38. Thank goodness. His name?Copy !req
39. Spot.Copy !req
40. There weren't any more children,
so we had to settle for a dogCopy !req
41. I'm not convinced that Christianity
would've establishedCopy !req
42. its firm grip over the hearts of mankindCopy !req
43. if all Jesus ever said was "Woof!!"'Copy !req
44. It went all right till the
shepherds came on.Copy !req
45. We weren't able to get real sheep,
so we stuck some woolCopy !req
46. on some other dogs.Copy !req
47. Yeah, and the moment Jesus
got a whiff of 'em, he's away.Copy !req
48. While the angel's singing
"Peace on Earth, goodwill to mankind",Copy !req
49. Jesus scampers across and tries
to get a sheep to give him a piggyback.Copy !req
50. Scarcely appropriate behaviour
for the son of God, Mr Baldrick.Copy !req
51. - Weren't the children upset?
- No, they loved it.Copy !req
52. Oh, the playful young scamps, eh?Copy !req
53. Still what a lovely thought it is,Copy !req
54. at this moment, all over the country,Copy !req
55. from highest to lowest,Copy !req
56. through those charming plump folk
somewhere in the middle,Copy !req
57. everyone is enjoying Christmas.Copy !req
58. - What are you doing, Albert?
- Nothing.Copy !req
59. Oh, yes, you are,
you naughty German sausage!Copy !req
60. Tell me what you're doing - Nothing!Copy !req
61. When you're busy ruling India,
you don't tell me what you're doing.Copy !req
62. Why should I tell you when I am busyCopy !req
63. wrapping this cushion
for your surprise Christmas present?Copy !req
64. Dem! Now I have only
two surprise presents for you.Copy !req
65. Oh, dear Alby, don't worry, I don't mindCopy !req
66. I do. I love surprisesCopy !req
67. Christmas without surprises
is like the nuts without the nutcracker.Copy !req
68. Which is why I have brought you
this surprise nutcracker.Copy !req
69. Dem! Dem!Copy !req
70. Darling Bobo, don't worry
Besides, haven't you forgotten something?Copy !req
71. - What?
- Our traditional Christmas adventure.Copy !req
72. Yes, of course, the traditional
Christmas adventure! Huzzah!Copy !req
73. What traditional Christmas adventure?Copy !req
74. You silly soldier!Copy !req
75. When we disguise ourselves as common folk
and go amongst the peopleCopy !req
76. to reward the virtuous and the good.Copy !req
77. Yes, of course, Dummkopf,
how could I forget!Copy !req
78. Das ist nicht ausgezeichnet!Copy !req
79. It is precisely for such an outingCopy !req
80. that I have bought you
my final surprise present,Copy !req
81. this muff, which I'm going
to give you tomorrow.Copy !req
82. Dem! Dem! Dem!Copy !req
83. Excellent! What a splendid spread!Copy !req
84. Nuts, turkey and presents.Copy !req
85. What more could one desire at Christmas?Copy !req
86. Well a tree.Copy !req
87. Of course, I quite forgotCopy !req
88. I dropped in on Mr Thicktwistle's
Garden EmporiumCopy !req
89. and, I think you'll
agree, got quite a bargainCopy !req
90. on this special Christmas twig.Copy !req
91. - It's a bit of a tiddler, ain't it?
- Yes, but size isn't important.Copy !req
92. It's not what you've
got, it's where you stick it.Copy !req
93. Besides, we've got a whole year's
profits to spend on fun and larks.Copy !req
94. - How much is it?
- ? 17 and a penny.Copy !req
95. It'd be lots more if you didn't
give so much to the poor.Copy !req
96. Yes, but in the feeling good
ledger of life, we are rich indeedCopy !req
97. I wish we weren't doing so wellCopy !req
98. in the
short-of-pressies-gullible-prat ledger.Copy !req
99. Well bless my ten toes,
who could that be on this cold night?Copy !req
100. Ah, Mrs Scratchit, greetings
on this merry Yuletide Eve.Copy !req
101. Oh, Mr Blackadder!Copy !req
102. How can I be merry when we're so poorCopy !req
103. we'll have nothing to eat on Christmas Day,Copy !req
104. except what Grandfather can scrape
from under his big toenails?Copy !req
105. No goose for Tiny Tom this year!Copy !req
106. Mrs Scratchit, Tiny Tom is 15 stone
and built like a brick privy.Copy !req
107. If he eats any more heartily,
he will turn into a pie shop.Copy !req
108. Dear me! There must be something we can do.Copy !req
109. Ah, that box of matches
in your basket is just the thing I need.Copy !req
110. - How much?
- A quid a match.Copy !req
111. Mrs Scratchit, I suspect
that to be a lie of sorts.Copy !req
112. Oh, but it's Christmas
Eve, so, here, take? 10.Copy !req
113. So you don't want all the matches, then?
There's 17 of 'em.Copy !req
114. You have the body of a weak woman,
but the mind of a criminal genius.Copy !req
115. Here, ?17 pounds, then - Lovely!Copy !req
116. And my best wishes to
your massive offspring!Copy !req
117. So we had? 17 and a penny,Copy !req
118. and we give Mrs Scratchit?
17, so that leaves.Copy !req
119. Yes, come on, Mr Baldrick,
?17 and a penny, minus? 17 leavesCopy !req
120. ?38, eight shillings and fourpence.Copy !req
121. Not bad, Mr Baldrick. The answer is,
in fact, a splendid shining penny.Copy !req
122. Merry Christmas Eve,
Mr Slackbladder... I mean, Blackadder.Copy !req
123. And to you, young urchin.Copy !req
124. A penny for Christmas
cheer, sucker... I mean, sir.Copy !req
125. Erm, well.Copy !req
126. Certainly, here.Copy !req
127. Going to buy some cake
for your silver-haired mother?Copy !req
128. Nah, sod that! I'm off to the gin shop.Copy !req
129. They grow up so fast these days, bless 'em.Copy !req
130. Oh, well another year without profit.Copy !req
131. Still it is Christmas.Copy !req
132. And let us remember, Mr Baldrick,Copy !req
133. that be we as stony
as a biblical execution,Copy !req
134. it's still the season of good cheer
and we have our Christmas treats.Copy !req
135. Nuts, turkey and presents.Copy !req
136. And my goddaughter, Millicent.Copy !req
137. Secure the ornaments and let her in.Copy !req
138. So we put all our
presents under our little tree.Copy !req
139. A scarf for me, a pair of gloves
for Mr Baldrick and a hat for Millicent.Copy !req
140. Ah, Millicent, to what do I owe
this excellent pleasure?Copy !req
141. I just thought I'd pop round,
you know, on the off chanceCopy !req
142. Christmas is a time traditionally
connected with presents.Copy !req
143. It is indeed. And look, a lovely hat
for my dear goddaughter.Copy !req
144. Oh, thanks. And look! A scarf
and a pair of gloves to match!Copy !req
145. That's not bad, I suppose.Copy !req
146. Jolly good - Sorry I can't stopCopy !req
147. I thought I might come back
tomorrow at lunch time.Copy !req
148. Splendid idea!Copy !req
149. It'll just be little me and
my teensy boyfriend,Copy !req
150. so cook two extra turkeys.Copy !req
151. Thanks for all the pressies.Copy !req
152. Why don't you take the flippin' tree??!Copy !req
153. Oh, you are sweet!Copy !req
154. Bye!Copy !req
155. Bye. My, what a jolly young girl!Copy !req
156. Pity she nicked all the presents.Copy !req
157. Well I thought we'd be quite spoilt enoughCopy !req
158. with the turkey
and this mountain of nuts we have.Copy !req
159. Well peel my tangerines, this is a night!Copy !req
160. - Back!
- Ah, Beadle.Copy !req
161. Charmed, honoured
and lovelied in every possible way.Copy !req
162. Get back!Copy !req
163. Felicitous compliments
of the gorging season to you, sir.Copy !req
164. Peace on Earth and fat tums to all men!Copy !req
165. Indeed, indeed! And what
of your little orphan charges?Copy !req
166. Well I don't think I
charges 'em enough, in fact.Copy !req
167. Luckily you're here to cover up
the shortfall Mr Blackadder.Copy !req
168. They're looking forward to coming tomorrow,
bringing you a surprise.Copy !req
169. Surely not another totally
unexpected rendition of.Copy !req
170. "God Rest Ye Merry Mr Blackadder"?Copy !req
171. Can't say, sir. All I can say
is it's Christmas as usual,Copy !req
172. except sadly we've managed to polish off
all our nuts before the big day.Copy !req
173. What luck! As fate would have it,
we have some. Help yourselves.Copy !req
174. No, sir. I couldn't take them.Copy !req
175. - Is this all is it?
- Yes.Copy !req
176. It'll have to do, then See you tomorrow.Copy !req
177. Well what a jolly fellow!Copy !req
178. Looked like a fat git to me.Copy !req
179. Well yes, but you mustn't judge
people from outward appearances.Copy !req
180. Strip away the outer layers of a fat git,Copy !req
181. and inside you'll probably find aCopy !req
182. thin git.Copy !req
183. Those orphans were a bit fat, too.Copy !req
184. There's some truth there.Copy !req
185. When I visit them I
remove all sharp objectsCopy !req
186. for fear of bursting one of themCopy !req
187. and getting showered
in two dozen semi-digested pies.Copy !req
188. But as long as they're happy.Copy !req
189. At least we've still got our turkey.Copy !req
190. And who knows, Christmas
is a time for miracles,Copy !req
191. so maybe, if we close our eyes really tightCopy !req
192. and pray to the big pink pixie in the sky,
someone will come and reward us.Copy !req
193. Come on - Dear, innocent Mr Baldrick.Copy !req
194. - See!
- Well baste my steaming puddings!Copy !req
195. Good evening, sir and madam.Copy !req
196. Good evening. We've come
to reward the virtuous this Christmas Eve.Copy !req
197. Good heavens!Copy !req
198. We have heard many stories
of your kindness and generosity.Copy !req
199. Well one tries.Copy !req
200. - So please...
- Yes?Copy !req
201. Give us? 10 for the virtuous lady next door.Copy !req
202. Ah, well we'd love to oblige,
but we haven't got anything to give.Copy !req
203. You must have something. A goose?Copy !req
204. Oh, Albert!Copy !req
205. We've only got a turkey, see.Copy !req
206. That's ideal.Copy !req
207. - Aw...
- There's a bit of luck!Copy !req
208. Mr Baldrick, fetch the turkey.Copy !req
209. Your accent suggests
that you are not from round here.Copy !req
210. Ah... NeinCopy !req
211. I am from Glasgow.Copy !req
212. Ah, a fine city. I love the Gorbals.Copy !req
213. Yes, the Gorbals, I love them, too
A lovely couple, lots of fun.Copy !req
214. Bye-bye, birdy.Copy !req
215. - Well done indeed. Good evening.
- Good evening.Copy !req
216. If I see Mr and Mrs Gorbal,
I give them your regards.Copy !req
217. Oh, dear, Mr Baldrick, it looks
like we're in for a thin Christmas.Copy !req
218. Don't worry, I'm hanging my sock up
so Santa will come down the chimney.Copy !req
219. If there's one thing that'll stop
Santa coming down the chimney,Copy !req
220. it's your sock waiting for him.Copy !req
221. If I don't hang it out, how will Santa fill it?Copy !req
222. If you do hang it out,Copy !req
223. Santa will be dead
before he gets within 100 yards of it.Copy !req
224. - Don't you have any others?
- One.Copy !req
225. Don't worry, my dear fellow,
take one of mine from the linen cupboardCopy !req
226. I'm off to bed. There's
nothing else to stay up for.Copy !req
227. Goodnight, Mr Baldrick - Night.Copy !req
228. Ooh, I forgot to mention,
when you were out there,Copy !req
229. there was this enormous ghostly
creature come in saying,Copy !req
230. "Beware, for tonight you shall receive
a strange and terrible visitation."Copy !req
231. I just thought I'd mention it.Copy !req
232. It come through the wall
said its piece, then sodded off.Copy !req
233. - Oh, fine. Goodnight, Mr Baldrick.
- Night night.Copy !req
234. Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today.Copy !req
235. Whoo-oo. Whoo-oo.Copy !req
236. Whoo-oo. Whoo-oo. Whoo-oo.Copy !req
237. Whoo-oo. Whoop!Copy !req
238. - Can I help?
- No, thanks. No. No, no.Copy !req
239. Just came to say hello
Spirit of Christmas, how d'you do?Copy !req
240. Just doing my usual
rounds, a bit of haunting,Copy !req
241. getting misers to change their ways.Copy !req
242. But you're such a good chap,
there's no need for any of that.Copy !req
243. So I'll just say cheery-bye. Cheery-bye.Copy !req
244. Can I get you some tea or anything?Copy !req
245. You wouldn't have anything
a bit more... medicinal?Copy !req
246. I see. I've only got some
of Nurse Macready's surgical bruise lotion.Copy !req
247. Oh, nothing but the best at this house, eh?Copy !req
248. Huh. Mmm.Copy !req
249. Delicious.Copy !req
250. It's a change from these skinflints.Copy !req
251. You know that old fellow
across the road? Bags of money.Copy !req
252. He tried to cut his heating bills
by using his John ThomasCopy !req
253. as a draught excluder.Copy !req
254. Oh, dear, old people today!Copy !req
255. Tut!Copy !req
256. How do you make them change their ways?Copy !req
257. It's visions these days.Copy !req
258. We used to use line drawings,
but the visions are more effective.Copy !req
259. - What sort of thing?
- It depends.Copy !req
260. Perhaps a glimpse of their school behaviourCopy !req
261. behind the penny-farthing sheds.Copy !req
262. Some others, we just show them
how rotten their ancestors were.Copy !req
263. With your ancestors, it would have to be
the full one-hour-ten vision,Copy !req
264. with a break and ice creams.Copy !req
265. - That bad, were they?
- Did nobody tell you?Copy !req
266. Stinkers to a man
Perhaps you'd like to see.Copy !req
267. Whoo-oo. Whoo-oo.Copy !req
268. Go on, my lord. Give it a little pull
You know you want to.Copy !req
269. It'll be ever so exciting - Oh, God!Copy !req
270. Yes, terrifying.Copy !req
271. Look. There's a surprise
present for you inside.Copy !req
272. It's a novelty death warrant
and you give it to a friend.Copy !req
273. - Oh, just what I've always wanted.
- Got anything for me?Copy !req
274. It's nothing really - Oh, sir.Copy !req
275. No, it's really nothing. I
haven't got you anythingCopy !req
276. I spent all my cash
on this damn thing for the Queen.Copy !req
277. She better bloody like it
She dropped enough hints.Copy !req
278. That woman's about as subtle
as a rhinoceros horn up the backside.Copy !req
279. Door!Copy !req
280. Good morning, Your Majesty
Christmas again, eh? What joy!Copy !req
281. - Don't you just love it?
- No, I hate it.Copy !req
282. In fact, I've just abolished it - Sorry?Copy !req
283. I'm going to block up the chimneys,
burn all the crackersCopy !req
284. and kill anyone carrying a present.Copy !req
285. Oh!Copy !req
286. - What's that, Edmund?
- This?Copy !req
287. It's a window - A window.Copy !req
288. Yes, but you seem to have one here,
so sorry to disturb you.Copy !req
289. Ohh.Copy !req
290. Well so much for that.Copy !req
291. Ow!Copy !req
292. Ah, Melchett.Copy !req
293. Greetings! I trust Christmas
brings you its traditional mixCopy !req
294. of good food and violent stomach cramp.Copy !req
295. And compliments
of the season to you, Blackadder.Copy !req
296. May the Yuletide log burn your house down.Copy !req
297. I'm glad I saw you. I
feel it only fair to warn youCopy !req
298. that the Queen has banned Christmas.Copy !req
299. So don't get her a presentCopy !req
300. I'm indebted to you for that advice
and I shall follow it to the letter.Copy !req
301. The day I get my brain
replaced by a cauliflower.Copy !req
302. - Ha! Got him with my subtle plan.
- I can't see any subtle plan.Copy !req
303. You wouldn't see a subtle plan
if it painted itself purpleCopy !req
304. and danced naked on a harpsichordCopy !req
305. singing "Subtle Plans Are Here Again."Copy !req
306. It's a double bluff.Copy !req
307. Melchett will do the
opposite of what I tell him,Copy !req
308. give the Queen an enormous
present, and then... Qchk!Copy !req
309. What? He'll turn into a duck?Copy !req
310. Yes.Copy !req
311. Pity about this, Tinky Wink
You used to love this time of year.Copy !req
312. I know.Copy !req
313. Leaving a mince pie and a glass of wine out
for Father ChristmasCopy !req
314. and then scoffing itCopy !req
315. because I was a princess
and could do what I bloody well liked.Copy !req
316. And wondering if your father's wife
would last till Boxing DayCopy !req
317. without having her head cut off.Copy !req
318. We knew if he gave her a hat
she'd probably be all right.Copy !req
319. - Happy days!
- Yes. Maybe I was a little rash.Copy !req
320. Ah, boys, welcome back!Copy !req
321. But, Melchett, what have
you got under your coat?Copy !req
322. Is it a present?Copy !req
323. A present, Majesty? But of course!Copy !req
324. You're so painfully transparent, Blackadder.Copy !req
325. Am I?Copy !req
326. That's fab! I love presents.Copy !req
327. For a moment, I took against Christmas,Copy !req
328. but now I'm dippy about it again.Copy !req
329. In fact, I'd like to marry you.Copy !req
330. If you weren't as
unattractive as a giant slug.Copy !req
331. Oh, pish, Majesty!Copy !req
332. Anyway, to reward you,
I'm going to give you lots of presents.Copy !req
333. Fancy a castle?Copy !req
334. - Windsor, Majesty?
- Title?Copy !req
335. - Duke of Kent?
- Anything else?Copy !req
336. A devilish saucy wife would be fun.Copy !req
337. Lady Jane Pottle - Oh, yummy!Copy !req
338. I think she's Blackadder's girl,Copy !req
339. but that doesn't matter, does it, Blacky?Copy !req
340. No, of course not, ma'am.Copy !req
341. And would Lord Melchett like
to whip me naked through Aberdeen?Copy !req
342. We needn't go that far - Oh, too kind.Copy !req
343. No, Aylesbury's quite far enough.Copy !req
344. Super. Well done, Melchy.Copy !req
345. Now, Blackadder, what have you got me?Copy !req
346. - Erm...
- I want a pressie!Copy !req
347. Give me something nice and shiny.Copy !req
348. If you don't, I've got something
nice and shiny for you: An axe!Copy !req
349. - Erm, well..
- Right, that's it!Copy !req
350. Any last requests before I chop
your block off for the Chrimble tree?Copy !req
351. Erm, well there is one, actually, ma'am.Copy !req
352. You know how I've always been
a great admirer of you bothCopy !req
353. I was wondering if I could
have your autographsCopy !req
354. to keep me company
during the final tragic, lonely hours.Copy !req
355. Oh, all right - Thank you, ma'am.Copy !req
356. And Lord Melchett. Just there. Thank you.Copy !req
357. - Oh, dear me!
- What is it?Copy !req
358. Why, this piece of paper
that Your Majesty has just signedCopy !req
359. turns out to be some sort of death warrant.Copy !req
360. Oops!Copy !req
361. And I can't retract it without destroying
the whole basis of the British ConstitutionCopy !req
362. I fear not.Copy !req
363. - Is there a name on it?
- Yes, actually, it says "Lord".Copy !req
364. Oh, I can't read this
terrible childish writing.Copy !req
365. "Lord Melchett." Lord Melchett, that's it.Copy !req
366. Ma'am, it's a trick! You've been tricked.Copy !req
367. Oh, good!Copy !req
368. Christmas is a time for tricks
and japes and larks of all kinds.Copy !req
369. Tell you what, that's so brilliant
I'll execute Melchett instead.Copy !req
370. You're very kind, ma'am.Copy !req
371. I suppose that means that everything
of Lord Melchett's becomes yoursCopy !req
372. I suppose it does.Copy !req
373. Merry Christmas, ma'am.Copy !req
374. Good Lord!Copy !req
375. Horrible, eh? What a pig!Copy !req
376. Yes, but clearly quite
a clever, charming pig.Copy !req
377. But no, as you say, his
behaviour, disgraceful.Copy !req
378. You're a great improvement on them all
You're a good boy.Copy !req
379. Them? Are there more?Copy !req
380. Oh, yes. Have a shufty at this.Copy !req
381. Right, BaldersCopy !req
382. I'm sick of the Prince Regent
getting all the presents.Copy !req
383. So here's the plan:
we play our traditional game of charades,Copy !req
384. and when he gets bored
and asks for a story,Copy !req
385. you stick the dress and the hat on
and knock on the door.Copy !req
386. - Got it?
- Got it.Copy !req
387. You certainly will get
it if you mess this up.Copy !req
388. Hurrah! Welcome,
lads! This is the stuff, eh?Copy !req
389. Christmas sherry and charades
with honest, manly fellows.Copy !req
390. What can I do with a girl
I can't do with you, eh?Copy !req
391. I cannot conceive, sir.Copy !req
392. There's that, of course. Now, who's first?Copy !req
393. I'd ask Horatio, but he's out of it.Copy !req
394. So it's the little monkey fellow first, is it?Copy !req
395. It is indeed - Excellent. I love charades.Copy !req
396. OK. Off you go, Baldrick.Copy !req
397. A book - Well done.Copy !req
398. Didn't think you'd get it that quickly.Copy !req
399. Yes, I must say that was damn clever.Copy !req
400. Another great Christmas tradition.Copy !req
401. Explaining the rules eight times
to the Thicky Twins.Copy !req
402. The round hasn't started yet
It must be a specific book.Copy !req
403. For the Bible, I'd do that
to indicate it has two syllables.Copy !req
404. - Two what?
- Two syllables.Copy !req
405. "Two silly bulls"? I don't
think so, not in the BibleCopy !req
406. I remember a fatted calf,
but that was a sensible animal.Copy !req
407. Ah-ha, yah, is it Noah's Ark?Copy !req
408. With the two pigs, two
ants and two silly bulls.Copy !req
409. - Two syll-a-bles?
- What?Copy !req
410. We're getting confused. Let's start again.Copy !req
411. No, let's not. I think the whole game's
getting a bit syll-a.Copy !req
412. How about a Christmas story?Copy !req
413. What a good idea
I'll get rid of the servant, shall I?Copy !req
414. There's a limit to how
long roasting chestnutsCopy !req
415. can blot out the aroma
of Baldrick's trousers.Copy !req
416. Don't forget the dress
and the hat, Baldrick.Copy !req
417. - Shall I begin the Christmas story?
- Absolutely.Copy !req
418. Provided it's not that depressing one
about the chap born on Christmas DayCopy !req
419. who shoots his mouth offCopy !req
420. then comes a cropper with some rum coves
on a hill in Johnny Arab land.Copy !req
421. - You mean, Jesus?
- Yes, that's the bloke.Copy !req
422. He always spoils the Xmas atmos.Copy !req
423. Instead, I shall tell you a story.Copy !req
424. Ah! Oh, my God, I've gone blind! Blind!Copy !req
425. That's better.Copy !req
426. As I was saying, this is a story
about a handsome young prince.Copy !req
427. This is more like it. What?Copy !req
428. Good-looking, lovely hair perched on his head
like an exceptionally attractive loaf of bread?Copy !req
429. - Exactly.
- I can imagine him. Excellent fellow.Copy !req
430. It's a tale about him and
a sad, lonely old grannyCopy !req
431. who's dying of cold on
a cruel Christmas night.Copy !req
432. - Not a comedy, then?
- No, sir.Copy !req
433. When she thought
that she'd die on Christmas nightCopy !req
434. and be swept up on Boxing Day morning,Copy !req
435. mistaken for a huge dirty handkerchiefCopy !req
436. then she knocked on the door
of a handsome young prince named George,Copy !req
437. who gave her all his massive
collection of Christmas presents,Copy !req
438. and she lived happily ever after.Copy !req
439. Oh, by Satan's sausage,
Bladder, what a fine tale!Copy !req
440. I'm quite moved to tears.Copy !req
441. Oh, good.Copy !req
442. I wonder who that could be.Copy !req
443. On a cold, dark, cruel
Christmas night, tricky one.Copy !req
444. Could be a robin.Copy !req
445. Why, rather coincidentally, it is a
sad, lonely old granny dying of cold.Copy !req
446. Shall I fling her out saying
there's no room in our ChristmasCopy !req
447. for a sad, virtuous, silver-haired
old elderly angel like her?Copy !req
448. No, Blackadder, you swine, bring her in!Copy !req
449. - The trolley's a nice touch.
- Take all you want.Copy !req
450. You've found Georgy-Porgy,
a handsome prince.Copy !req
451. Thank you, sir.Copy !req
452. Shall I make sure she
doesn't steal the silver?Copy !req
453. - No, no. Tell her to take it.
- You're very generous, sir.Copy !req
454. Excellent, excellent, Baldrick, a triumph.Copy !req
455. Baldrick? Baldrick!Copy !req
456. Sorry, Mr B. I was just showing
a sweet old granny to the door.Copy !req
457. - Are we ready yet, sir?
- What?Copy !req
458. I answered the door and it was
this sweet granny collecting for charity.Copy !req
459. So I let her in - Ahh.Copy !req
460. Something wrong, Mr B?Copy !req
461. No. I shouldn't have trusted a manCopy !req
462. with the mental agility
of a rabbit dropping.Copy !req
463. Sorry, Mr B - It's all right.Copy !req
464. It's not your fault.Copy !req
465. Still I fear for a frail, elderly woman.Copy !req
466. Iaden with valuables, travelling
the inadequately-lit London streets.Copy !req
467. - Yes, she's not safe, sir.
- Well not from me, certainly.Copy !req
468. - Very amusing!
- In what way?Copy !req
469. The wigs. Very amusing wigs
But his behaviour, as you say, disgraceful.Copy !req
470. But... But he actually got the presents.Copy !req
471. Y... Y... Yes.Copy !req
472. So there is something
to be made out of being bad.Copy !req
473. Technically, yes. But
that's not the point, is it?Copy !req
474. It's the soul, the soul.Copy !req
475. As a matter of interest, what would
happen in the future if I was bad?Copy !req
476. Erm... Is that the time? I must be offCopy !req
477. I'd love to see Christmas Future.Copy !req
478. No, no, no, it's terribly melodramatic.Copy !req
479. Look, just show it, please.Copy !req
480. All right. Whoo-oo.Copy !req
481. Hail, Queen Asphyxia,
Supreme Mistress of the Universe.Copy !req
482. And hail to you, my triple husbandoidCopy !req
483. I summon you here to groupgreet
our swift Imperial Navies home.Copy !req
484. Approach, Grand Admiral of the Dark SegmentCopy !req
485. and Lord of the High-slung Bottoms of Zob.Copy !req
486. Morning.Copy !req
487. To you, Blackadder, Thrice-endowed
Supreme Donkey of the Trouserpod,Copy !req
488. this much greeting.Copy !req
489. I, too, Bold Navigator,Copy !req
490. cringe my dribblies
at your resplendent pofflesnood.Copy !req
491. That won't be necessary, thank you.Copy !req
492. Approach, your slave, Baldrick.Copy !req
493. For God's sake, if you're going
to wear that ridiculous jockstrap,Copy !req
494. at least keep your legs togetherCopy !req
495. Wilco, skipper.Copy !req
496. Majesties, I give you this much greeting.Copy !req
497. - What news of the foul Marmidons?
- Scattered to the Nine Vectors.Copy !req
498. And the Sheepsqueezers of Splatikon Five?Copy !req
499. Have they been suckcreamed
as a quanbeast's nubole?Copy !req
500. They're dead, if that's what you mean.Copy !req
501. Commander, did you vanquish
the Nibblepibblies?Copy !req
502. No, my Lord Pigmot, I did not
vanquish the Nibblepibblies,Copy !req
503. because you just made them up.Copy !req
504. Damn it!Copy !req
505. Excellent, Commander.Copy !req
506. You have most pleasantly
wibbled my frussetpouch.Copy !req
507. Bring forth the gift with
which you honour me.Copy !req
508. Majesties, from a place
where the stars begin and end,Copy !req
509. I bring you this.Copy !req
510. Oh, lovely, an ashtray.Copy !req
511. Come, Majesty, he wastes our timeCopy !req
512. I yearn to attend "20,000 years
of the Two Ronnoids" on the box podule.Copy !req
513. - Send him to the sprouting chamber!
- No, wait!Copy !req
514. - What is it, Commander?
- I'll show you, shall I?Copy !req
515. Now, Your Majesty, I
must respectfully insistCopy !req
516. that you hand over to me
the Supreme Command of the Universe,Copy !req
517. sew a button on my spare uniform,
and marry me this afternoonCopy !req
518. I thought you'd never ask.Copy !req
519. Ha, ha. So let's get this straight.Copy !req
520. If I was bad, my descendants
would rule the entire universe.Copy !req
521. Maybe, maybe. But would you be happy?Copy !req
522. Being Ruler of the Universe isn't so great.Copy !req
523. The long hours, having to wave at people,Copy !req
524. you're no longer your own boss.Copy !req
525. So what if I stayed good?
What then does the future hold?Copy !req
526. I must put my foot down here
I've got four hauntingsCopy !req
527. and a scare-the-bugger-to-death to do.Copy !req
528. Whoo-oo - No, no.Copy !req
529. Hail, Queen Asphyxia,
Supreme Mistress of the Universe.Copy !req
530. And hail to you, my triple husbandoidCopy !req
531. I summon you here to groupgreet
our swift Imperial Navies home.Copy !req
532. Approach, Grand Admiral of the Dark SegmentCopy !req
533. and Lord of the High-slung Bottoms of Zob.Copy !req
534. Hail - And your slave.Copy !req
535. - What's his name?
- I can't remember, Your Majesty.Copy !req
536. No matter, Supreme Marshal of the Smells,Copy !req
537. what news of the foul Marmidons?Copy !req
538. - Good news...
- Excellent!Copy !req
539. For the Marmidons.Copy !req
540. They wiped out our entire army.Copy !req
541. Sorry, I got confused
and dropped a bomb on our lot.Copy !req
542. Silence, squidling.Copy !req
543. Bring forth the gift with
which you honour me.Copy !req
544. Oh, damn! I forgot the bloody present.Copy !req
545. So one way, it's glory everlasting,Copy !req
546. the other, it's wearing
Baldrick's posing pouch.Copy !req
547. Simplistic, but it points to a clear lesson.Copy !req
548. - Namely?
- NamelyCopy !req
549. the rewards of virtue are largely
spiritual, but all the better for it.Copy !req
550. Doesn't it point to the clear lesson
that bad guys have all the fun?Copy !req
551. Absolutely not. The rewards of virtue
are infinitely more attractive.Copy !req
552. Picture it.Copy !req
553. Quiet evenings in your hovel, alone.Copy !req
554. A Bible. Your own turnip!Copy !req
555. Oh, well that makes all the difference!Copy !req
556. - So you're going to be a good boy?
- Absolutely.Copy !req
557. Would I lie to you?Copy !req
558. Whoo-oo, whoo-oo.Copy !req
559. Whoo-oo, whoo-oo.Copy !req
560. Mr Blackadder.Copy !req
561. Looks like Father Christmas
just forgot about me this year.Copy !req
562. Dear me, but don't be too unhappy,
because if you look very carefully,Copy !req
563. there's something in this stocking from me.Copy !req
564. It's something I made for you.Copy !req
565. That's the kind of pressie
that shows the most love.Copy !req
566. What is it, Mr B?Copy !req
567. I've made you... a fist.Copy !req
568. Yes, it's for hitting.Copy !req
569. What's wonderful about it
is that you can use it againCopy !req
570. and againCopy !req
571. and again.Copy !req
572. - Well what do you say?
- Thank you, Mr B.Copy !req
573. Think nothing of it
I, after all think nothing of you.Copy !req
574. Oi! Git face! Penny for the season?Copy !req
575. Hark, do I hear the voice
of a darling little cherub at the window.Copy !req
576. No, I must have imagined it.Copy !req
577. Shall I get that?Copy !req
578. No, leave them in the
snow until I get dressedCopy !req
579. I'll only be about 40 minutes.Copy !req
580. Door.Copy !req
581. Compliments of the season, sir.Copy !req
582. We've come to sing merrily and
give you a small pudding. Three, four.Copy !req
583. God bless Mr B at Christmas time
And baby Jesus, too.Copy !req
584. If we were little pigs we'd sing
Piggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Woo.Copy !req
585. Piggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy
Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Woo.Copy !req
586. Oh, Piggy Wiggy Wiggy Woo
Piggy Wiggy Woo.Copy !req
587. Oh, Piggy Wiggy Wiggy
Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Woo.Copy !req
588. Utter crap - Thank you very much, sir.Copy !req
589. - Do we get a Christmas treat?
- Indeed you do.Copy !req
590. - What?
- A door in the face.Copy !req
591. Here you are.Copy !req
592. Mr B, you can't send them out
into the world with only a small pudding.Copy !req
593. How right you are, Baldrick. Door.Copy !req
594. Thank you.Copy !req
595. - You know what I'm hoping?
- What?Copy !req
596. I'm hoping that this is all
a merry Christmas jape,Copy !req
597. and you're going to go
"Yo ho ho" and give me a mince pie.Copy !req
598. Close your eyes, Baldrick. Open your mouth.Copy !req
599. Yo, ho, ho.Copy !req
600. Cooee - Ah.Copy !req
601. My dear Millicent, come for her dinner.Copy !req
602. And she seems to have brought
the fish course with her.Copy !req
603. Who, my dear, is the
huge halibut in the trousers?Copy !req
604. I think it's me.Copy !req
605. - This is Ralph, he's my fianc?
- We're in love.Copy !req
606. Oh, dear.Copy !req
607. Ill-conceived love, I should warn you,
is like a Christmas cracker.Copy !req
608. One massively disappointing bang
and the novelty soon wears off.Copy !req
609. Shut up.Copy !req
610. Oh, Mr Blackadder, what's happened?Copy !req
611. You've changed from
the nicest man in EnglandCopy !req
612. into the horridest man in the worldCopy !req
613. I was thinking the same thing myself.Copy !req
614. When spoken toCopy !req
615. I would explain,
but I fear you wouldn't understand,Copy !req
616. being blessed with a head
emptier than a hermit's address book.Copy !req
617. As for you, can you keep my goddaughter
in the manner to which she is accustomed?Copy !req
618. Oh, yes, absolutely.Copy !req
619. Oh, splendid!Copy !req
620. Congratulations. Good day.Copy !req
621. Out!Copy !req
622. Baldrick, I want you to take this
and buy a turkey so largeCopy !req
623. you'd think its mother
had been rogered by an omnibus.Copy !req
624. I'm going to have a party,
and no one's invited but me.Copy !req
625. - Cooee!
- No peace for the wicked.Copy !req
626. Mr Ebenezer, I was wondering if you
had perhaps a little present for me.Copy !req
627. Or had found me a little fowl
for Tiny Tom's ChristmasCopy !req
628. I have always found you foul,
Mrs Scratchit, and more than a little.Copy !req
629. As for Tiny Tom's Christmas,Copy !req
630. he can stuff it up his enormous
muscular backside.Copy !req
631. But he's a cripple - He's not.Copy !req
632. Occasionally saying, "Phew, my leg hurts"
when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baldrick.Copy !req
633. It did, actually.Copy !req
634. However, if you want
something for lunch, take this.Copy !req
635. It's a pound a lump and, as luck
would have it, there are 17 lumps.Copy !req
636. Thank you - What about my Tiny Tom?Copy !req
637. If I was you I'd scoop him out
and use him as a houseboat. Good day.Copy !req
638. Mr B, where's the milk of human kindness?Copy !req
639. It's gone off, Baldrick. It stinks.Copy !req
640. Whoever that is, slam
the door in their faces,Copy !req
641. otherwise I'll slam your face in the door.Copy !req
642. Hello, small dwarf fellow.Copy !req
643. Is this the house of
the great philanthropistCopy !req
644. and all-round softy Ebenezer Blackadder?Copy !req
645. - Well Mr Blackadder lives here.
- Ah, das ist gut.Copy !req
646. Because we have a wunderbar secret.Copy !req
647. What secret?Copy !req
648. If I told you we're going to give him
an enormous fortune for being so generous,Copy !req
649. then it would no longer be a secret.Copy !req
650. Dem, I'm so stupid! Dem!Copy !req
651. - What would no longer be a secret?
- We are Queen Victoria.Copy !req
652. What? All three of you?Copy !req
653. My dear little hobgoblin,
here is our Royal Seal.Copy !req
654. We have come
to present your master with? 50,000Copy !req
655. and the title of Baron Blackadder
for being the kindest man in England.Copy !req
656. Lumme, Your Majesty.Copy !req
657. Baldrick, what did I tell you I'd do if you
didn't slam the door on these scrounging loafers?Copy !req
658. But, Mr Blackadder... Ow!Copy !req
659. I'm not at home to guests.Copy !req
660. I flatter myself we are
rather special guests, sir.Copy !req
661. Of course, I must apologise.Copy !req
662. One rarely receives a Christmas visit
from two such distinguished guests.Copy !req
663. Ah, so you recognise us at last.Copy !req
664. Yes, unless I'm mistaken, you're the winnerCopy !req
665. of the Round Britain Shortest,
Fattest, Dumpiest Woman Competition.Copy !req
666. And to be accompanied
by the winner of this year's.Copy !req
667. Stupidest Accent Award
is really quite overwhelmingCopy !req
668. - I cannot believe...
- Cork it, fatso.Copy !req
669. This is the Victorian age, where,Copy !req
670. apart from Queen Piglet Features herself,Copy !req
671. women and children are
to be seen and not heard.Copy !req
672. Queen Piglet Features!Copy !req
673. Yes! Empress Oink, as lads call her.Copy !req
674. The only person in the kingdom
who looks dafter than herCopy !req
675. is that stupid frankfurter of a husband.Copy !req
676. The Pig and the Prig we call them.Copy !req
677. How they ever managed to produce
their 112 children is beyond me.Copy !req
678. The bedchambers of Buckingham PalaceCopy !req
679. must be copiously supplied with blindfolds.Copy !req
680. Sir, we've never been
so insulted in our lives!Copy !req
681. Well all I can say is,
you've been damned lucky.Copy !req
682. Ah, Baldrick, this is excellent, excellent.Copy !req
683. All the riff-raff and
the spongers dealt withCopy !req
684. and gargantuan quantities
of tuck to be gobbled.Copy !req
685. Here, have a wishbone. What do you wish?Copy !req
686. I wish there was some meat on this.Copy !req
687. Those last two were particularly satisfying.Copy !req
688. It felt like having a go
at the real Queen and Prince Albert.Copy !req
689. It was the real Queen and Prince Albert.Copy !req
690. Don't be ludicrous, Baldrick
What would the Queen be doing here?Copy !req
691. She come to visit you to reward you
for being the nicest man in EnglandCopy !req
692. by giving you? 50,000
and the title of Baron Blackadder.Copy !req
693. It couldn't have been the Queen
because when she visits people,Copy !req
694. she leaves her Royal Seal.Copy !req
695. - What? Like this one?
- Yes, just like that.Copy !req
696. Blackadder, BlackadderCopy !req
697. Dee dum, dee dum, dee dum.Copy !req
698. Blackadder, BlackadderCopy !req
699. Dee rum, ti tum, ti tum.Copy !req
700. Blackadder, BlackadderCopy !req
701. Dee rum, ti tum, ti tum.Copy !req
702. Support us and become VIP member
to remove all ads from OpenSubtitles.orgCopy !req