Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) (2014)

1. How did we end up here?

2. This place is horrible.

3. Smells like balls.

4. We don't belong in this shithole.

5. Shit.

6. Hey, Sam.

7. Dad, what kind of— Shut up!

8. What kind of flowers did you want?

9. Alchemillas. Or something that smells nice.

10. Something soothing. It all smells like fucking kimchi!

11. That looks nice. Anything but roses.

12. I hate this job.

13. Riggan, everyone's set for 1-4.

14. They're ready for you.

15. Riggan, they're ready for you.

16. Mr. Thomson. Steve.

17. It's Daniel. Okay.

18. Oh, hey, buddy. How you doing?

19. Pretty good. Yeah, I'd be a lot better if I could get, uh...

20. Ralph to stop, you know, acting.

21. He'll be fine.

22. And he was yelling, "I love you, I love you, bitch!"

23. What do you do with a love like that?

24. That's not love and you know it.

25. Why do you insist on calling it love?

26. Say what you want, but I know what it was.

27. What about you, Nick? Does that sound like love?

28. Sorry I'm late. Sound like love...

29. Look, I'm the wrong person to ask.

30. I only heard the man's name mentioned in passing.

31. I wouldn't know. You'd have to know the particulars.

32. I think you're saying love is absolute.

33. Yeah. The kind of love I'm talking about is...

34. The kind of love I'm talking about,

35. you don't try and kill people.

36. It was love, Mel. To Eddie, it was.

37. I don't care what anyone says.

38. He was ready to die for it.

39. Ask her what he did after she left him.

40. He shot himself in the mouth, but he screwed that up, too.

41. Poor Ed.

42. Poor Ed, my ass! The guy was dangerous!

43. How did he screw up shooting himself in the mouth?

44. He used to carry this.22. We lived like fugitives then.

45. Ralph, Ralph, Ralph.

46. Fugitives are scared, you know?

47. Fugitives are on the run.

48. Can you give me more of that? You know, fear?

49. Great idea.

50. We lived like fugitives then.

51. I never knew if he was going to come out from behind a bush,

52. or a car, and just start shooting.

53. The man was crazy! He was capable of anything!

54. Christ, what a nightmare.

55. He'd call me at the hospital and say:

56. "Son of a bitch, your days are numbered!"

57. Too much? It's a little bit too much.

58. I can tell, because you— I just want to give you a range.

59. Call 911!

60. Is he breathing?

61. Is blood coming out of his ear?

62. Where are you going?

63. Did someone call 911?

64. Do not move him! Wait for an ambulance!

65. Well, that's a fucking lawsuit.

66. Where are you going? The understudy'll be here.

67. Forget the understudy. Cancel the first preview.

68. But it's a full house! We'd have to refund—

69. Just do it.

70. How's Ralph? He'll be fine.

71. Wait. Will you fucking wait?

72. Jake, it would have been a disaster.

73. That guy's the worst actor I've ever seen.

74. Bleeding's the most honest thing he's done so far.

75. He's not that bad!

76. Okay, he's fucking terrible.

77. You have the press in your dressing room in a few hours.

78. I'll make something up. I'll think of something, riff.

79. Hold on.

80. That wasn't an accident.

81. What do you mean?

82. I made it happen.

83. Oh, okay.

84. Are you drunk?

85. Just find me an actor— a good actor. Woody Harrelson!

86. He's doing the next Hunger Games.

87. Um, Michael Fassbender.

88. He's doing the prequel to the X-Men prequel.

89. How about, uh, Jeremy Renner? Who?

90. Jeremy Renner! He was nominated. The Hurt Locker guy.

91. He's an Avenger.

92. Fuck! They put him in a cape, too? I don't care.

93. Just find me someone.

94. Ralph will sue us. He will sue us and he has a case.

95. Just make it go away.

96. Look, you're my attorney. You're my producer. You're my best friend.

97. Now go out there and do what you were born to do.

98. How do you suppose I do that? How—

99. Next, an exclusive interview with Robert Downey, Jr...

100. who's busy following up his billion-dollar Iron Man franchise...

101. with the equally successful Avengers series.

102. That clown doesn't have half your talent...

103. and he's making a fortune in that Tin Man get-up.

104. We were the real thing, Riggan.

105. We had it all.

106. We gave it away.

107. Breathing in.

108. We handed these poseurs the keys to the kingdom.

109. Breathing out.

110. You listening to me?

111. Breathing in, I embrace my anger.

112. Yeah, embrace it.

113. But I'm not going away. You know I'm right.

114. Look at that.

115. These people don't know what you're capable of.

116. Why would somebody go from playing

117. the lead in a comic book franchise...

118. to adapting Raymond Carver for the stage?

119. As you're probably aware, Barthes said:

120. "The cultural work done in the past by gods and epic sagas...

121. "... is now being done by laundry detergent commercials...

122. "... and comic strip characters."

123. This is a big leap you've taken.

124. Yeah, it is. Absolutely. Absolutely.

125. Like you said...

126. that, uh, Barthes said, uh...

127. Birdman, like Icarus—

128. Okay, hang on. Who is this Barthes guy?

129. Which Birdman was he in?

130. Uh, Roland Barthes was a French philosopher,

131. and if you knew anything about the history of—

132. Now is it true you've been injecting yourself with semen from baby pigs?

133. I'm sorry, what? As a method of facial rejuvenation?

134. Where did you read that?

135. It was tweeted by @prostatewhispers.

136. That's not true.

137. I know, but did you do it?

138. No, I didn't do it.

139. Okay, I'll write you're denying it.

140. Don't write anything. Why would you write anything?

141. Don't write what she said. I didn't put any baby pig...

142. Are you at all afraid that people will say you're doing this play...

143. to battle the impression you're a washed-up superhero?

144. No, absolutely not. That's why...

145. twenty years ago, I said no to Birdman 4.

146. Birdman 4? You do Birdman 4?

147. Thank you for coming out. Thank you.

148. We're expecting some great pieces.

149. The guys in publicity...

150. want a Times feature,

151. which is the worst idea right now.

152. What are you doing?

153. I don't want to look at this anymore.

154. That was a present from the crew.

155. Don't fuck with them— they're union.

156. I don't care.

157. How'd it go? Good.

158. They talk about Ralph? He did it.

159. The motherfucker did it.

160. Threatened to sue us.

161. What'd you say? Me?

162. I said, "Motherfucker, are you threatening me?

163. "If I so much as get a letter from a lawyer...

164. "... the press is getting pictures off your computer."

165. What pictures?

166. He has a thing for nuns in diapers.

167. Why do you care? Point is, I made it go away.

168. That's great.

169. Yeah, it's fantastic, except for one thing.

170. We have no actor. Uh-huh.

171. And if we cancel the preview, the press will smell blood.

172. We can't afford to lose any more money.

173. What do you think I should do?

174. We hired an understudy.

175. Use him. No.

176. Riggan, listen to me. Please, for the love of God, listen.

177. Our perfect dream actor is not going to knock on that door and go,

178. "Hey, fellas, when do I start?"

179. Can I talk to you? What's up?

180. You find another actor? No.

181. Mike's available. Mike who?

182. I thought he was doing the thing—

183. He quit. Or got fired.

184. Mike who?

185. Which is it, quit or fired? With Mike, it's usually both.

186. Mike fucking who? Shiner.

187. Yes! Jake.

188. How do you know Mike Shiner?

189. We share a vagina.

190. You think he'd do it? Mmm-hmm.

191. How do you know? He told me.

192. Jake. Yes.

193. Ask me if he sells tickets.

194. Does he sell tickets?

195. A shitload. Ask me if the theater critics love him.

196. Do theater critics love him?

197. They want to spooge on him.

198. Right on his face. Everything for a reason.

199. You think he'd come in this evening?

200. I'll call and find out.

201. I'll call his agent.

202. Amazing, amazing.

203. Annie? Clear the theater, send everyone to dinner

204. and give me some lights!

205. We've got a put-in tonight.

206. Who?

207. You'll find Out.

208. Intimidating, isn't it?

209. You have any idea the people who have

210. walked on these boards before you?

211. Geraldine Page. Helen Hayes.

212. Jason Robards. Marlon Brando. And now Riggan Thomson.

213. Thanks for coming in on such short notice, Mike.

214. This is what I do.

215. You wrote this adaptation?

216. I did, yeah. Ah.

217. And you're directing and starring. That's ambitious.

218. Well, thanks.

219. Well, it's a good theater.

220. I can't speak for your play, but... let's do a little bit of it.

221. Oh, I didn't expect you to just jump right in.

222. It's first preview tomorrow night. Let's get to work.

223. Well, feel free to take the script up until you feel comfortable.

224. No, let's just do some of it.

225. Uh...

226. Take a look at page 20.

227. I'm good. I don't need it.

228. I don't need the script. Give me a cue.

229. What?

230. Feed me a line.

231. Feed me a line.

232. Okay.

233. Okay, uh, let me think.

234. I'm the wrong person to ask. I didn't actually know him.

235. I only heard his name mentioned in passing. Mmm-hmm.

236. You'd have to know the particulars.

237. But I think what you're saying is love is absolute.

238. Is that what I'm saying? Am I saying love is absolute?

239. Yes. Okay, yeah! The kind of love

240. I'm talking about is absolute.

241. The kind of love I'm talking about, you don't try to kill people!

242. How do you know the lines?

243. It's a thing I have. I don't know, it's a gift. Wow.

244. Come on. I've been helping Lesley get off book for a month.

245. These lines are right here. That makes sense.

246. That's good. Give me my cue again.

247. I'm the wrong person to ask. I didn't actually know him.

248. I only heard his name mentioned in passing.

249. You never know the particulars. I think what—

250. Can I make a suggestion?

251. Do you mind? No, not at all.

252. No, no, forget that. Just stay with me.

253. "I'm the wrong person to ask," he says, but what's the intention?

254. Is he fed up with the subject?

255. Deflecting guilt over the marriage?

256. And here's the thing— you have four lines after that

257. that all say the same thing. "I didn't know him."

258. "I only heard his name mentioned in passing."

259. "I wouldn't know."

260. "You'd have to know the particulars."

261. "Particulars" sounds like my grandmother.

262. The point is, you don't know the guy. We fucking get it.

263. Make it work with one line.

264. "I didn't even know the man." Right?

265. Wait— You know my lines, too, huh?

266. Can we not get hung up on knowing lines?

267. Can we just work on this? Tear it apart?

268. So why don't you just give me that same thing again,

269. but cut it down. Try it. Uh...

270. I'm the wrong person to ask—

271. Oh, no! That's the thing-— "I'm the wrong person to ask."

272. I think it's, "Fuck you."

273. "Fuck you. Don't put me on the spot."

274. "Don't make me feel self-conscious about my marriage

275. "while my wife is sitting..."

276. Right there. "... right there."

277. Can I sit down for this? Yeah, sit. Good idea.

278. So just give it to me as a "Fuck you." Lay it on me.

279. Just do it. Give it to me.

280. Well, I'm thinking. Fuck me hard. Just give it.

281. Come on! Just do it!

282. Hey, I'm the wrong person to ask!

283. I don't even know him. What's your point?

284. What's my point? Yeah, what are you saying?

285. Spit it out! Oh! Oh!

286. You're saying what? You're saying love is absolute.

287. Yes! Yes!

288. The kind of love that I'm talking about, it is absolute!

289. The kind of love that I'm talking about,

290. you don't...

291. you don't try to kill people.

292. Yeah. Good.

293. I don't know— what do you think, boss?

294. You want to do this with me?

295. What do you think?

296. Everybody's back. Larry needs to see him for a fitting.

297. I'll take that as a yes.

298. So, who are you?

299. That's Sam, my daughter. Oh.

300. Wow! That's amazing. You don't look anything like each other.

301. What do you do?

302. Um... She's my assistant. Works with me.

303. And does she talk and speak?

304. She does. Yeah.

305. She can even sit or stay or roll over, if you have any treats.

306. Welcome aboard, Mike!

307. Thank you, Captain.

308. Um, I'm Mike... Shiner.

309. Oh, I know who you are.

310. I, uh, saw you in Hothouse at the Geffen.

311. You were great.

312. Oh, thank you. Your ass is great.

313. Dude. Seriously?

314. That was just me—

315. Larry? Larry?

316. This is the theater, sweetheart.

317. Don't be so self-conscious.

318. He's here.

319. Thank the Lord and pass the biscuits.

320. I finally have an actor to dress.

321. How are you, Larry?

322. Better now you're here. Take off your clothes.

323. You're just going to stand there?

324. This is the theater, honey. Don't be so self-conscious.

325. We have to start from scratch with less than 24 hours.

326. Here. Try these—

327. Holy shi—! Where are your underpants?

328. Under the bed at home, I think.

329. Uh...

330. No. Okay, okay. Everything's too small.

331. You're not kidding. Oh.

332. Whoa. That's nice.

333. Forgive him, Larry. Mike's like my 5-year-old son.

334. Neither of them has clean underwear.

335. Or pubic hair, I imagine.

336. I can alter the suit,

337. but we're going to have to make new trousers and shirts.

338. And underwear.

339. What are you doing? Waiting on Larry.

340. I'm finished!

341. Then I'm just standing here with my cock out.

342. Well, get dressed.

343. Riggan's daughter is hanging around— she might walk in here.

344. You haven't seen her.

345. She's always around, watching everyone, like Little Miss Creepy.

346. I don't know if drugs fried her brain or what...

347. but I don't want her running to her father

348. saying you showed her your junk.

349. Then we should ask her to leave.

350. Oh, God. Really? Mmm-hmm.

351. Sammy? It's Sam.

352. Sam . . . Lesley.

353. Listen, um, what I said—

354. Oh, don't worry about it. He's a handful, huh?

355. How do you always manage to find a new way to humiliate me?

356. Oh, to be fair, you make it really easy.

357. What was she doing here?

358. She brought me down. And stayed?

359. Well, she is a little... something.

360. This is Broadway. And I'm here, finally.

361. Now, please, do me a favor, I'm begging you—

362. don't fuck it up!

363. Lesley.

364. Come here. Come here.

365. Play with my balls.

366. Just sign it.

367. Listen— No, you listen to me!

368. I can't afford to listen to you.

369. I have to go shopping again.

370. Just sew something, you old fuck!

371. Give him whatever he wants!

372. It's four times what we paid what's-his-name!

373. Go into the reserve.

374. It's gone! We spent it on fog and fake trees...

375. It's a dream sequence.

376. and dancing midgets!

377. You can't say "midget" anymore.

378. The reserve is gone!

379. You didn't see what I just saw.

380. I'm telling you, this guy's the real deal.

381. I can feel it.

382. He's the actor we've been waiting for.

383. Come on. Just get the contract done.

384. Please, Jake. I'll get the money.

385. Okay, I'll do it.

386. Stop smiling. You're freaking me out.

387. Sorry. You're right.

388. Is it true? Shiner?

389. Holy shit. When can I meet him?

390. He's with Larry now.

391. I'm going to Starbucks. Want anything?

392. I'm good.

393. She has a great ass. I have news for you, too.

394. Is it good or bad? 'Cause I really—

395. I missed my last two periods.

396. I think it's really happening.

397. Wow.

398. Is that good or bad? Riggan!

399. It's good. It's great.

400. Say something else. Um...

401. Uh...

402. You sure it's mine?

403. Well, you know, there's you,

404. there's Jake, the masseur wore a condom...

405. yeah, I'm pretty sure it's yours.

406. Idiot.

407. Are you excited? Yeah.

408. Me, too.

409. You're not funny!

410. What? Hey, what?

411. First preview tomorrow.

412. Here we go.

413. I rode with him in the ambulance to the hospital.

414. I will never get that image out of my head.

415. Right before he did it, his eyes were so sad and lonely.

416. Did you have to treat him?

417. I didn't have to, but I did.

418. Music out. Cue 34, 35 ready.

419. He was in terrible shape.

420. His head swelled to twice the size of a normal head.

421. He's good, huh? He's incredible.

422. I think he's drinking real gin.

423. What?

424. Ask Nick. I want you to ask Nick if he thinks that's love.

425. Oh, honey, can't we just go to dinner?

426. Mel, don't get him started.

427. You don't know how he's been lately.

428. He's been depressed. I've been worried.

429. You've been what?

430. Let me tell you guys something about real love. I'll tell you something.

431. We all should be ashamed

432. when we talk like we know what we're talking about...

433. when we talk about love.

434. Oh, for God's sake, are you getting drunk?

435. I don't have to be drunk to say what I think.

436. We're not drunk. We're having a few drinks. Exactly.

437. You've had more than a few.

438. What, are you counting?

439. Leave her alone. If you're not drunk, don't talk like you are.

440. Shut up!

441. Do me a favor. For once in your life,

442. honest to God, shut up for a minute.

443. Anyway, like I was saying...

444. you want to know about real love, there's this old couple...

445. had a car wreck, out on the interstate.

446. Some drunk kid plowed his old man's pickup...

447. right into their camper.

448. By the time I got down to the hospital, this kid,

449. this fucking teenager, was dead.

450. So we took the old couple up to the O.R.

451. We worked like hell on them through most of the night.

452. By the time we were done with them, we just, you know...

453. wrapped them in full body casts.

454. The husband, the old man...

455. was depressed for the longest time.

456. Even after I said to him,

457. "Your wife's going to pull through", he was still depressed.

458. So, I went up to the mouth hole and I asked him.

459. And he told me it was because he couldn't see her...

460. through the eyes. Couldn't see his wife.

461. Can you imagine?

462. I'm telling you, this guy's heart was breaking because...

463. Ugh...

464. he couldn't turn his goddamn head

465. and just look at his goddamn wife.

466. Shit.

467. I mean, it was killing this guy.

468. I am so tired of this. Is this water?

469. It was killing him.

470. Did you replace my gin with water, man?

471. Oh!

472. Mike, come on.

473. "Come on," what? You're drunk.

474. Yes, I'm drunk. I'm supposed to be drunk! Why aren't you drunk?

475. This is Carver!

476. He left a piece of his liver on the table each time he wrote a page!

477. If I need to be drinking gin, who the fuck are you to touch my gin?

478. You fucked with the period,

479. you fucked with the plot so you'd get the best lines.

480. Leave me the fucking tools that I need!

481. Oh, come on, people, don't be so pathetic.

482. Stop viewing the world through your cell phone screen!

483. Have a real experience!

484. Does anybody give a shit about the truth other than me?

485. This set is fake, the bananas are fake.

486. There's nothing in this milk carton!

487. Your performance is fake.

488. The only thing that's real on this stage is this chicken.

489. So I'm going to work with the chicken.

490. That was interesting.

491. Bring the curtain down.

492. That's good bird, man!

493. Get him out of here!

494. How do you want me to do that?

495. Hey, wait.

496. I want him gone. No!

497. We cannot do that!

498. Of course we can! It's our show!

499. Listen to me. No, you listen to me.

500. Get him the fuck out of my play.

501. It was a preview! Nobody gives a shit!

502. Nothing matters until that old bat from

503. the New York Times comes opening night!

504. We're getting rid of him.

505. Shut up! Shut up and listen to me for once!

506. As soon as we announced he was taking over, the advance doubled.

507. We can't afford to lose any more money

508. and we can't afford to lose Mike.

509. This is about being respected and validated, remember'?

510. That's what you told me!

511. That's how you got me into this shit!

512. Now, you're the director. Get him under control.

513. Fuck.

514. This isn't the '90s anymore.

515. Your zipper's down.

516. Fuck.

517. You were really good, cabrón.

518. Mmm-hmm.

519. Out in front of the theater in ten minutes!

520. Don't overthink it.

521. What the hell was going on up there?

522. I didn't know you were here tonight.

523. That guy's an asshole, huh?

524. What are you doing here?

525. Sam and I are going to grab a bite after she's finished.

526. No, I mean here. Now.

527. Well, I know how much this means to you.

528. Oh.

529. Thanks. I appreciate that.

530. So what's happening?

531. With the play? You saw what.

532. No. You and Sam.

533. Oh, you know, it's great.

534. It's the same.

535. Do you talk to her?

536. Yeah, we talk.

537. It's just been so crazy around here, you know?

538. You understand where her head is at.

539. Of course.

540. She's trying to stay away from everything and everyone

541. that got her into rehab in the first place.

542. I know. I really do. I get it.

543. That's all she's had, so she's confused.

544. Yeah, I get it.

545. I know you're caught up in all this stuff, but—

546. "Stuff"? Uh...

547. You know what I mean.

548. Riggan, you don't have to be a great father right now.

549. You just have to be one.

550. Oh, sorry.

551. How's that going?

552. I'd rather not talk about it.

553. You're drinking?

554. Yeah, I'm having a beer.

555. So...

556. what's going on with you?

557. Me? Oh...

558. Nothing.

559. Everything's the same, I guess.

560. I'm going back to teaching.

561. Oh, yeah?

562. I'm thinking of refinancing the Malibu house.

563. What? I'm sorry.

564. I'm thinking of refinancing—

565. No, I heard you. I just need a second.

566. That's going to be Sam's house.

567. Why would you...? For this play?

568. I need the money.

569. Do you have any idea how crazy that sounds?

570. What do you want me to say? My health lasted longer than the money.

571. Go figure that out.

572. What's going on?

573. Riggan, look at me.

574. Uh...

575. I got a chance to do something right.

576. I got to take it. I got to.

577. It's funny. I was sitting here, waiting for you...

578. and all of a sudden, I couldn't remember why we broke up.

579. You know, the last time I flew here from L.A...

580. George Clooney was sitting two seats in front of me...

581. with a nice pair of cufflinks and that fucking chin.

582. We ended up flying through this really, really horrible storm.

583. I mean, the plane was rattling and shaking.

584. And all the people on board are, you know, crying.

585. I mean, crying. Praying, right?

586. I just sat there.

587. They're crying, I sit there.

588. And I'm thinking, "Oh, boy...

589. "... the next morning, when Sam looks at the paper...

590. "... it's going to be Clooney's face on the front page, not mine."

591. You know? Boom.

592. Did you know Farrah Fawcett died

593. the exact same day as Michael Jackson?

594. Is that crazy?

595. Why did we break up?

596. Because you threw a kitchen knife at me...

597. and an hour later, were telling me how much you loved me.

598. Just because I didn't like that ridiculous comedy you did with Goldie Hawn...

599. did not mean I did not love you.

600. That's what you always do—

601. you confuse love for admiration.

602. It's your house— do what you want with it.

603. Just be there for our daughter.

604. I will.

605. You're not Farrah Fawcett, Riggan.

606. We should have done that reality show— The Thomsons.

607. Shut up.

608. That would've been good. Shut up!

609. Crazy, druggy, wise-ass daughter, MILF-y wife with perky tits.

610. People would've wanted to see that.

611. Shut up. More than this piece of shit.

612. Shut up!

613. The sun bed is here.

614. What does that mean?

615. It means there's a sun bed out there being delivered to in here.

616. Who ordered a sun bed?

617. Mike. He said it's for his character—

618. part of his process and that shit.

619. He said he has to be a redneck.

620. Son of a bitch.

621. Let's go. Walk.

622. Where are we going? To get you coffee.

623. Did I do something to disrespect you? Not yet.

624. I have a lot riding on this play. Oh, is that right?

625. Yeah. People know who I am, and—

626. Bullshit. They don't know you, your work.

627. They know the guy from the bird suit

628. who tells coy, slightly vomitous stories on Letterman.

629. Well, I'm sorry if I'm popular.

630. Popular'? I don't give a shit.

631. Popularity is the slutty little cousin of prestige, my friend.

632. Okay, I don't even know what the fuck that means. Mmm.

633. It means, my reputation is riding on this, and that's worth a, a...

634. A lot. A lot, exactly! Fuck you. Yes!

635. If this doesn't work out for you,

636. you fuck off back to your studio pals...

637. and dive back into that cultural genocide you guys perpetrate.

638. A douchebag's born every minute!

639. That was P.T. Barnum's premise when he invented the circus...

640. and nothing has changed. You guys know if you crank out toxic crap...

641. people will line up and pay to see it!

642. But long after you're gone, I'll be on that stage...

643. earning my living, baring my soul,

644. wrestling with complex emotions, 'cause that's what we do.

645. Oh, so that's what tonight was about?

646. You wrestling with complex emotion?

647. Tonight was about seeing if it's even alive, if it can bleed.

648. This isn't a backlot, Riggan, this is New York City. This is how we do things.

649. Where are you going?

650. They have coffee here.

651. Thanks, Tommy.

652. They were laughing at us.

653. Tonight they were laughing, tomorrow they'll be tweeting.

654. Who cares?

655. These are people who pay half price

656. to watch us rehearse. Stop caring.

657. This play's a drama. It's about—

658. You don't know what the play's about. I do know.

659. No, you don't. That's what previews are for.

660. That's why they call them previews.

661. That's where you figure out what the play is.

662. Okay, look, look. Listen to me.

663. You see the woman at the end of the bar'?

664. The one who looks like she licked a homeless man's ass?

665. Yeah.

666. All that matters is what she writes about us in 500 words in the Times.

667. That's, uh... Tabitha Dickinson, yes.

668. The only opinion that matters in New York theater is hers.

669. If she likes us, we run. If she doesn't, we're fucked.

670. She does look like she licked a homeless guy's ass.

671. Do me a favor.

672. Don't get your panties in a twist over a preview, like some rookie...

673. and don't tell me how to do my job.

674. This is my town and to be honest,

675. people don't give a shit about you here.

676. You're Riggan Thomson, right? Sorry to interrupt.

677. Would you mind having a picture with us here?

678. Would you mind?

679. The button's on the bottom.

680. Who is this guy? He used to be Birdman.

681. Oh, you're such a doll. Thank you. You're so sweet.

682. Handsome. Oh.

683. Okay, sweetheart, come on.

684. Are we good here?

685. I'm going to go home.

686. All right. See you tomorrow.

687. Oh...

688. I want to know something.

689. Why Raymond Carver?

690. I was a kid, in high school...

691. doing a play in Syracuse, and he was in the audience.

692. And he sent this back afterwards.

693. A little note.

694. "Thank you for an honest performance. Ray Carver."

695. That's when I knew I was going to be an actor.

696. Right there.

697. Oh.

698. What's so funny?

699. It's just on a cocktail napkin.

700. So?

701. He was fucking drunk, man.

702. You headed to Hollywood, Mike?

703. NO.

704. Hollywood's heading here, Tabby.

705. Good luck with that.

706. "A man becomes a critic

707. "when he cannot be an artist...

708. "... the same way a man becomes an informer when he cannot be a soldier."

709. That's Flaubert, right?

710. He's a Hollywood clown in a Lycra bird suit.

711. Yes, he is.

712. But tomorrow night at 8:00...

713. he's going out on that stage and risking everything.

714. What will you be doing?

715. Don't you ever worry that I'll give you a bad review?

716. I'm sure you will...

717. if I ever give you a bad performance.

718. Miss Dickinson.

719. Mr. Shiner.

720. What are you still doing here?

721. Nothing.

722. Um, your costumes are hanging in your dressing room.

723. Oh, great. Great.

724. Oh, I got that coconut water you wanted.

725. If you want the face stuff, it's not open till tomorrow.

726. What?

727. Uh...

728. I'm not sure that I said thank you.

729. For what?

730. Everything. You've been doing a really good job, honestly.

731. I've been so preoccupied with all the...

732. Okay, well, I just wanted to say that.

733. What is that?

734. That smell.

735. What is it? Look at me. Look at me!

736. What? What?

737. You've got to be shitting me. Where is it?

738. Can we not do this, please?

739. Dad?

740. Where is it? I can't believe this.

741. Ugh.

742. What is this?

743. Chunky peanut butter.

744. This. This. What is that? Ah.

745. That's pot. Relax.

746. "Relax." You can't do this to me. To you?

747. You know what I'm talking about.

748. Oh, yeah, you! What else is new?

749. Don't do that thing where you— Make it about me? Never!

750. I'm trying to do something important!

751. This is not important!

752. It's important to me!

753. Maybe not to you or your cynical friends

754. whose only ambition is to "go viral"...

755. but to me... God, this is my career!

756. It's my chance to finally do work that means something.

757. That means something to who?

758. You had a career, Dad, before the third comic book movie.

759. Before people started to forget who was inside that bird costume.

760. You are doing a play based on a book written 60 years ago...

761. for a thousand rich old white people...

762. whose only concern is where to have cake and coffee afterwards!

763. Nobody gives a shit but you!

764. And, let's face it, Dad...

765. you are not doing this for the sake of art,

766. you're doing it to feel relevant again.

767. Well, guess what? There's an entire world of people

768. who fight to be relevant every single day!

769. And you act like it doesn't exist.

770. Things that are happening in a place you ignore...

771. that has already forgotten about you!

772. I mean, who the fuck are you?

773. You hate bloggers, you mock Twitter.

774. You don't even have a Facebook page!

775. It's you who doesn't exist!

776. You're doing this because you're terrified,

777. like the rest of us, that you don't matter.

778. And you know what? You're right! You don't!

779. It's not important, okay? You're not important— get used to it!

780. Dad.

781. In the days before Nick's depression started to eat away at him...

782. he never knew I was pregnant,

783. and I never intended to tell him.

784. I guess we make choices in life,

785. and we choose to live with them.

786. Or not.

787. I didn't want that baby.

788. Not because I didn't love Nick,

789. and not because I didn't love the idea of it...

790. but just because I wasn't ready to love myself.

791. There's a distance to it all now.

792. A wistful distance, underscored by a gentle breeze...

793. Actors in position.

794. and the sound of birds...

795. Music out.

796. laughing at the whimsy of it all.

797. Lesley? What?

798. I think I'm hard.

799. No, it's just sometimes you don't consider other people's feelings.

800. No, no. I'm getting hard— feel that.

801. What? You've got to be kidding.

802. Let's really do it. Let's fuck.

803. No, are you crazy?

804. It'll be incredible! It'll be real.

805. Cut it out! I'm serious, Mike.

806. Don't call me Mike. Call me Mel.

807. Get off!

808. Terri! Terri!

809. Terri, I know you're in there!

810. Get off me! Get off!

811. Ed? Why?

812. What are you doing here? Just tell me why.

813. Take it easy, okay? I know this is hard.

814. Shut up! Shut—

815. Shut up! Just don't do anything stupid.

816. Eddie, please!

817. What's the matter with me? Why do I always have to beg people to love me?

818. Eddie, please, give me the gun.

819. Look at me.

820. I was drowning. I'm just not capable of—

821. You deserve to be loved, Eddie. You do.

822. I just wanted to be what you wanted.

823. Now I spend every fucking minute praying

824. to be somebody else. Somebody I'm not!

825. Anybody-

826. Just put the gun down, Ed. She doesn't love you anymore.

827. You don't, do you?

828. No.

829. And you never will.

830. I'm sorry.

831. I don't exist.

832. I'm not even here.

833. None of this even matters. I don't exist. I don't exist.

834. Ed... I don't exist.

835. Ed! Eddie, Eddie, don't do that!

836. You're such an asshole!

837. What? That's the best you've been.

838. Why would you do that? We were onstage!

839. What the fuck? It's like my head was a jar of Bolognese!

840. I'll fix the blood rig.

841. —They're fucking in a motel room.

842. You can't get it up in six months

843. and now you want to fuck me in front of 800 strangers?

844. I need it to feel real, okay? I need that intensity.

845. Oh, fuck you! Oh.

846. I was in the moment. I thought you were, too.

847. I'm sorry.

848. I told you to stop, you fucking animal.

849. You were brilliant.

850. What is wrong with you?

851. I want your shit out of the apartment.

852. What? Hey, no, wait. Look, look, I'm sorry. Can we just-—

853. No, we can't, Mike! Maybe up here, you're Mr. Truth...

854. but in the real world, where it counts, you're a fucking fraud!

855. How's that for truth, you dick?

856. What's wrong? He's an asshole.

857. What'd he do now?

858. Oh, nothing, just try to fuck me in front of the audience!

859. Oh, my God! Right?

860. That's kind of hot!

861. Why don't I have any self-respect?

862. You're an actress, honey.

863. I'm pathetic!

864. Look at me.

865. You know, I've always dreamed of being a Broadway actress...

866. since I was a little kid. And now I'm here, and I'm...

867. I'm not a Broadway actress,

868. I'm still just a little kid.

869. And I keep waiting for someone to tell me I made it.

870. You made it.

871. I did?

872. Sadly, it was with Mike Shiner on a fake motel bed in front of 800 people.

873. Shut up. Oh.

874. Hey, is she okay?

875. She'll be fine.

876. Look, none of this is your fault, okay?

877. You're beautiful and you're talented...

878. and I'm lucky to have you.

879. Okay?

880. Okay.

881. That was kind of sweet.

882. Yeah.

883. What's wrong?

884. Nothing. Two years, and he's never said anything like that to me.

885. You're beautiful and you're talented...

886. and I'm lucky to have you. Okay?

887. We're gross.

888. We are.

889. What are you doing? Nothing.

890. Do it again.

891. Can we discuss this like two mature artists?

892. What is the big deal about—

893. Fuck you!

894. You're not ready yet. That's fine.

895. Hmm.

896. Fuck. Actresses.

897. They drive me fucking crazy.

898. Riggan?

899. Your gun is ridiculous. I can see the red plug in the barrel...

900. so you look like a kid with a plastic toy when you point it at me.

901. I don't feel threatened at all.

902. Get a better one. Have some self-respect.

903. Please.

904. Hey, apart from that, uh...

905. I thought it was a pretty fun crowd, huh?

906. I don't think it's high enough.

907. Me, neither.

908. What are you doing up here?

909. Uh, adrenaline.

910. I just got out of rehab. It's the closest thing I get to a drug.

911. You went to rehab?

912. Cool.

913. It wasn't all Dr. Drew or anything,

914. but that dude from American Pie was there.

915. Jump!

916. Eat me!

917. Okay, then jump on my face!

918. I love this city.

919. Yeah?

920. Why do you act like a dick all the time?

921. Do you just do it to antagonize people?

922. Maybe.

923. You really don't give a shit if people like you or not.

924. Not really.

925. That's cool.

926. Is it? I don't know.

927. What?

928. Let's play a game.

929. A game? What are you, eight? Mmm-hmm.

930. What are you, 78?

931. Truth or dare. Oh, come on.

932. Truth or dare? Oh.

933. Truth.

934. When we first met, you made a comment about my ass.

935. Why did you do that?

936. You have a terrific ass, and I noticed that.

937. And I just commented on it.

938. Truth or dare? Dare.

939. Really? Yeah.

940. There's a bald guy and he's going to walk right under you.

941. Spit on his head.

942. No. You said dare.

943. Truth. No, it's too late.

944. Happy? Yeah.

945. Ew!

946. Truth or dare?

947. Truth. You're boring.

948. The truth is always interesting.

949. Uh...

950. You want to fool around with me?

951. No.

952. Really?

953. Why not?

954. That's a second question. It's a second part.

955. I'd be afraid I couldn't get it up.

956. That didn't seem to be a problem for you onstage.

957. Nothing is a problem for me onstage.

958. I want to ask another question.

959. You already did.

960. One more. Go ahead.

961. If you weren't afraid, what would you want to do to me?

962. I'd pull your eyes out of your head...

963. That's sweet.

964. and put them in my own skull...

965. and look around, so I could see the street

966. the way I used to when I was your age.

967. Good night.

968. Don't kill the messenger.

969. He's an asshole.

970. I told you.

971. You fucking prick.

972. He 's playing you-

973. This is it?

974. Page 12. Page 12.

975. "Riggan Thomson, best known as the face of Birdman,

976. "tries not to lay an egg on Broadway."

977. Where's the rest of it? There is no rest of it.

978. Don't worry— it'll be used to scoop up dog shit tomorrow.

979. How can you be so calm?

980. What are my other choices?

981. Aren't you scared at all? About what?

982. About being humiliated out there!

983. It won't be the first time I've been humiliated.

984. Well, of course it won't.

985. You're an asshole.

986. And by the way, I'm not pregnant,

987. so there's one thing not to worry about.

988. Forget about her.

989. He stole your front page.

990. He's stealing your show. He thinks you're a joke.

991. Now two million people agree with him.

992. Maybe you are, Riggan. Maybe that's what you are- a joke.

993. Whoa! What the hell is going on?

994. Get up! Ow! That hurts!

995. Get up! Back away!

996. So Carver's the reason you became an actor, huh?

997. Listen, this is my fucking show.

998. I did the work, I raised the money and I arrange the press!

999. Oh, Jesus. They called me for an interview.

1000. I told them the first thing that came into my head.

1001. We got the cover of the Arts section!

1002. Fuck the Arts section!

1003. You told them the first thing that came into your head?

1004. Right.

1005. You're Mr. Natural. Mr. Fuck-the-scene-

1006. just-stare- at-my-massive-hard-on.

1007. That's truth.

1008. You think it looked massive?

1009. Shut the fuck up.

1010. You don't get hard on my stage unless I tell you to.

1011. Your stage? Oh, let me tell you something.

1012. This stage has belonged to a lot of great actors, but you are not one of them.

1013. So you wrote your own lines, huh? Ow!

1014. I did, actually.

1015. You wrote a few changes and mumbled, you self-absorbed prick.

1016. I'm self-absorbed? Look at you.

1017. You nobody piece of shit!

1018. Nobody? My massive hard-on got 50,000 views on YouTube.

1019. A cat playing with a dildo gets more than that.

1020. I don't care. Yes, you do! You care.

1021. I'm a theater actor. I don't give a shit. You care.

1022. Everybody says, "Oh, Mike is so honest.

1023. "Mike is so motherfucking truthful!" Ow!

1024. You said in the interview your father was a drunk like Carver.

1025. Is that true?

1026. No. No. 'Cause my father was.

1027. My father was a mean fucking drunk. You understand?

1028. He beat the shit out of us.

1029. But at least when he was beating us...

1030. he wasn't thinking about taking us out to his toolshed.

1031. Because when he got us out there...

1032. that bastard would smile and say:

1033. "You want to get on your knees and unbuckle my belt,

1034. "or do I take it off and use it on you?"

1035. After a while, I made myself numb, so... But my—

1036. My little sister...

1037. Okay. Okay. Hey, hey, hey.

1038. Oh, God.

1039. Uh, I didn't know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

1040. That's fucking horrible, man. I'm sorry.

1041. It's also not true. See, I can pretend, too. Oh!

1042. Don't fuck with me, Mike.

1043. You're a little bit crazy. You should start using that onstage.

1044. "Working with Riggan Thomson's

1045. "like waltzing with a monkey? Huh"

1046. I might have said that.

1047. You might? Come on, let's go.

1048. Come on. Yeah.

1049. Why don't you get your wings and your bird suit?

1050. Ow!

1051. I'm gonna crab up on your ass and fucking choke you out!

1052. Get off me. What are you looking at?

1053. What are you going to do, replace me?

1054. Get fucking Ryan Gosling or some shit?

1055. What do you think my friend Tabitha will do to you in the Times,

1056. you fucking dilettante!

1057. You are lame, Riggan...

1058. rolling around with that poncy theater fuck...

1059. in an 800-seat shithole like this.

1060. Oh, you really fucked up this time.

1061. You destroy a genius book with that infantile adaptation.

1062. Now you're about to destroy what's left of your career.

1063. It's pathetic.

1064. Breathing in, I am calm.

1065. Let's get the hell out of here while we can.

1066. I ignore this mental formation.

1067. This is a mental formation.

1068. Stop that shit!

1069. I'm not a mental formation. I'm you, asshole.

1070. Leave me alone.

1071. You were a movie star, remember?

1072. Pretentious, but happy. I wasn't happy.

1073. Ignorant, but charming. Now, you're just a tiny, bitter cocksucker.

1074. I was fucking miserable.

1075. Yeah, but fake miserable. Hollywood miserable.

1076. What are you trying to prove?

1077. You're an artist? You're not.

1078. FUCK you!

1079. No, fuck you, you coward.

1080. We grossed billions! You're ashamed of that? Billions!

1081. And billions of flies eat shit every day!

1082. So what? Does that make it good?

1083. I don't know if you noticed, but that was 1992!

1084. You could jump right back into that suit, if you wanted to.

1085. Oh, look at me! Look at this! Look, look, look!

1086. I look like a turkey with leukemia!

1087. I'm fucking disappearing.

1088. This is what's left!

1089. I'm the answer to a fucking Trivial Pursuit question!

1090. You're an imposter here.

1091. Eventually they will figure you out.

1092. What part of this don't you get? You're dead.

1093. We are not dead.

1094. Oh, please, just stay dead.

1095. We are not dead.

1096. Stop saying "well" There is no "we!"

1097. I'm not fucking you! I'm Riggan fucking Thomson!

1098. No, you're Birdman.

1099. Because without me, all that's left is you...

1100. a sad, selfish, mediocre actor...

1101. grasping at the last vestiges of his career.

1102. What the hell did you do that for? I liked that poster.

1103. It's always "we," brother.

1104. Fuck you! Shut the fuck up!

1105. Leave me alone!

1106. You're fucking, so fucking annoying! Shut up!

1107. Hey. What's up?

1108. Um, well...

1109. one hour till curtain. Why don't you rest a bit?

1110. Yeah, I'm going to lay down.

1111. Almost there, buddy. Last preview. Okay. Cool.

1112. How you doing? Good. Great.

1113. The money came through. I just need to transfer it into the account.

1114. Good. That's terrific.

1115. So... I'll go, uh, do that.

1116. Thanks for stopping by.

1117. You know I'm proud of you, don't you?

1118. This took balls.

1119. And you did it, okay? I know.

1120. I think we should cancel the preview.

1121. I'm tired, dude. I can't do this anymore, Jake.

1122. I can't.

1123. That's a joke, right?

1124. You know, I don't think this is for me. The whole...

1125. They're laughing at me.

1126. There is a three-block line of people waiting for you.

1127. It's a full house. We're sold out!

1128. Really? Yes!

1129. And the French ambassador's coming.

1130. The Prince of Saudi Arabia's bringing one of his wives.

1131. And I didn't want to tell you this, but Martin Scorsees...

1132. is casting his new film, and... Don't tell anybody.

1133. No, I won't. Okay?

1134. Okay?

1135. Okay. Yeah, yeah, I can be ready. I can be ready.

1136. Good. Thank you.

1137. How is he?

1138. He'll be fine.

1139. Poor creature.

1140. Is it true? Scorsese?

1141. Yeah. And the new Pope, too.

1142. You're an asshole, Jake!

1143. I'm the one keeping this afloat!

1144. Are you okay?

1145. Yeah. Yeah.

1146. I think I cut my hand shaving.

1147. Well, I just wanted to say... I'm sorry.

1148. What for?

1149. I knew what Mike was capable of

1150. and I brought him in anyway.

1151. No, no, no. You did good.

1152. Are you kidding? You did great.

1153. Tomorrow's my first opening night on Broadway.

1154. Mine, too.

1155. And I just want to let you know that, no matter what happens...

1156. I'm really grateful to you.

1157. Oh, no, no, no. Me, too.

1158. This is exciting.

1159. We have a full house. Jake just told me.

1160. Yeah, it's great.

1161. Oh, God.

1162. For fuck's sake, just jump already.

1163. How'd you know I'd be up here?

1164. Well, I didn't know, but I kind of hoped maybe.

1165. Where is Lesley?

1166. Lesley? Uh, Lesley's moving on.

1167. Smart girl.

1168. Oh, thank you. I appreciate that support.

1169. You ready for your last preview?

1170. Sure, yeah.

1171. Who did that to you?

1172. Could have been anybody, I guess.

1173. Yes.

1174. I'm sort of hoping it was Lesley.

1175. It wasn't Lesley.

1176. Oh, my God.

1177. Are you fucking kidding me? No.

1178. Jesus Christ!

1179. I think maybe I deserved it.

1180. Fuck.

1181. Fuck.

1182. Tell me something.

1183. What is the worst thing that he did to you?

1184. Seriously.

1185. He was never around.

1186. Yeah? I mean, so what? That was it?

1187. No. It was how he tried to make up for it...

1188. by constantly trying to convince me that I was special.

1189. Okay. Look.

1190. Look at me.

1191. He was right, though.

1192. About what?

1193. About your being special.

1194. You've been hanging around here...

1195. trying to make yourself invisible

1196. behind this fragile little fuck-up routine...

1197. but you can't.

1198. You're anything but invisible. You're big.

1199. You're kind of a great mess.

1200. It's like a candle burning at both ends, but it's beautiful.

1201. No amount of booze or weed or attitude is going to hide that.

1202. I'm glad you're an actor and not a writer, 'cause that was, like...

1203. Oprah...

1204. Hallmark...

1205. R. Kelly bad.

1206. Yeah, well, I wasn't—

1207. Mmm...

1208. Truth or dare?

1209. Truth. No.

1210. Truth. No.

1211. Truth or dare?

1212. Do you have any idea where you're going?

1213. Absolutely not.

1214. How do you do it?

1215. Do what?

1216. Go out there every single night

1217. and pretend to be somebody else in front of all those people?

1218. I don't pretend out there. I told you.

1219. I pretend just about every place else, but not out there.

1220. That's a shame.

1221. What are we doing here?

1222. What do you mean?

1223. I mean, what are we doing here?

1224. By the time we got to the hospital, the kid was dead.

1225. So we took the old couple up to the O.R.

1226. We worked like hell on them...

1227. through most of the night.

1228. The husband, the old man, was depressed for the longest time.

1229. Even after I told him the wife would pull through, he was still depressed.

1230. So I went up to the mouth hole and I asked him.

1231. And he told me it was because he couldn't see her...

1232. the wife, through the eye holes.

1233. Can you imagine?

1234. I'm telling you, this guy's heart was breaking...

1235. because he couldn't turn his goddamn head to see his goddamn wife.

1236. So...

1237. I guess the question we should ask ourselves is...

1238. what do we talk about when we talk about love?

1239. Mel and I had been together five years...

1240. and I don't know how many times I've heard "I love you,"

1241. but it wasn't until that night...

1242. The blood rig should be good now.

1243. Be ready to go in two minutes.

1244. That was amazing!

1245. Yeah, good, right?

1246. It's actually going well.

1247. Yeah.

1248. I think we need to talk.

1249. No, no.

1250. Yeah, I guess you're right...

1251. but we will eventually, because that's the only way

1252. I'll get a chance to say I'm sorry.

1253. I really am sorry.

1254. We'd have made great parents.

1255. Horrible. We'd have been...

1256. awful. We'd have raised...

1257. a serial killer. Or Justin Bieber.

1258. I really wanted to be a mom.

1259. But my body doesn't seem to agree.

1260. When I imagined myself on Broadway,

1261. I never saw the dancing reindeer.

1262. Nice touch.

1263. In the days before Nick's depression started to eat away at him...

1264. he had no idea I was pregnant...

1265. and I never intended to tell him.

1266. I guess we make choices in life,

1267. and we choose to live with them.

1268. Or not.

1269. I didn't want that baby.

1270. Not because I didn't love Nick, and not because

1271. I didn't love the idea of it, but because...

1272. I just wasn't ready to love myself.

1273. There's a distance to it all now.

1274. Hey, Jimmy, you got a smoke?

1275. Jimmy! Jimmy!

1276. Jimmy!

1277. Shit!

1278. Fuck!

1279. Fuck.

1280. Hey, aren't you Riggan Thomson?

1281. Holy shit, let me get an autograph.

1282. Don't be a dick. Give me an autograph.

1283. Dude, you rock!

1284. Birdman!

1285. Oh, shit!

1286. Oh, my God! You know who that is?

1287. Oh, can we take one picture!

1288. Just one picture! Kids, get next to him!

1289. You suck!

1290. You suuuuckll

1291. Hey, Birdman!

1292. Riggan, I'm missing him.

1293. It's the Bird-fucking-man! Hey, come look at this guy!

1294. Birdman! Hey, Birdman, whooo, look at that!

1295. Where you going, man?

1296. You look so old in person.

1297. Fuck you!

1298. Sir! Sir! Where are you going?

1299. Sir! Where are you—? Sir!

1300. What are you doing?

1301. Waiting for Jake. This is my attorney, Mr. Roth.

1302. We're pursuing financial remunerations for the injuries—

1303. I got a play to do!

1304. Sir, you can't go in there!

1305. MR. Actors Equity is a very strong union, sir!

1306. Knock, knock, knock! Terri! Terri!

1307. Ed?

1308. What are you doing here?

1309. Why? I just need you to tell me why?

1310. Take it easy, Ed. I know this is hard.

1311. 3:: Fuck You!

1312. Shut up!

1313. Eddie, please!

1314. What's wrong with me?

1315. Why do I always... beg people to love me?

1316. Eddie, please, just... just give me the gun.

1317. I just wanted to be what you wanted.

1318. Now I spend every fucking day...

1319. trying to be somebody I'm not!

1320. Put the gun down. She doesn't love you!

1321. Eddie.

1322. Look at me. I was drowning.

1323. I'm just not capable of that kind of—

1324. You deserve to be loved, Eddie. You do.

1325. I just wanted to be what you wanted.

1326. Mr. Roth? Okay, don't leave, please.

1327. Is that a threat? What wheelchair?

1328. Okay, Mr. Roth, please hear me out. Will you?

1329. Don't hang up. Don't hang up.

1330. Give me 10 minutes to grab my things,

1331. give me 10 minutes and we can— Don't hang up.

1332. Goddamn it! The motherfucker hung up!

1333. Dad.

1334. Dad!

1335. Are you... okay?

1336. Why?

1337. You seem sort of...

1338. No, I'm good, I'm good.

1339. This is good. You want some?

1340. No.

1341. Do you really think you'll be ready for opening tomorrow?

1342. Yeah. Yep.

1343. Yeah, well, I mean...

1344. previews were pretty much a train wreck.

1345. We can't seem to get through a performance...

1346. without a raging fire or a raging hard-on. I'm broke.

1347. I'm not sleeping, like, you know... at all.

1348. And, uh, this play is kind of starting to feel like...

1349. a miniature, deformed version of myself that just keeps...

1350. following me around and, like...

1351. hitting me in the balls with, like, a tiny little hammer.

1352. I'm sorry, what was the question?

1353. Never mind.

1354. Tonight wasn't bad.

1355. I know.

1356. It was weird, but it was kind of cool.

1357. Yeah, really?

1358. Yeah, I think people liked it.

1359. What are you doing? Homework?

1360. No, I don't-—

1361. No, um— When I was in rehab, they made us do this.

1362. Really? What is it?

1363. Um... These dashes represent the six billion years

1364. that the Earth has been around.

1365. So, each dash represents a thousand years.

1366. And, um, this... is how long humans have been here.

1367. 150,000 years.

1368. I think they're trying to remind us that

1369. that's all our ego and self-obsession are worth.

1370. I was a shitty father, wasn't I?

1371. No, you were...

1372. You were fine.

1373. That's right, I was... I was just fine.

1374. I can't...

1375. Dad?

1376. Oh, shoot. I'm sorry.

1377. You just wiped out the entire human race.

1378. There it goes. I'm sorry.

1379. Um...

1380. You're becoming a trending topic.

1381. Really?

1382. I should probably tell you about this before anybody else does.

1383. 350,000 views in less than an hour.

1384. Fuck.

1385. Believe or not, this is power.

1386. MAN". Hey, look, it's Riggan Thomson!

1387. Look at that!

1388. One million, three hundred thousand hits in the last 2 hours.

1389. That's Birdman actor Riggan Thomson.

1390. Give me another one.

1391. You got it.

1392. That takes a lot of balls.

1393. Or not. Ouch!

1394. What do you have to do to get a job these days?

1395. Why must actors have to resort to this?

1396. That's going over to Ms. Dickinson.

1397. Give me a minute.

1398. Hey, um, that's on me. She's a friend of mine.

1399. Okay. No problem.

1400. Thank you.

1401. That was...

1402. twenty years before I put on that goddamn outfit.

1403. I don't care.

1404. Okay. I was just...

1405. You know, before you come tomorrow night.

1406. It doesn't matter.

1407. I'm going to destroy your play.

1408. But you didn't even see it.

1409. Um, you know, did I do something to offend you?

1410. Actually, you did.

1411. You occupied a theater which

1412. might have been used on something worthwhile.

1413. Okay. But you don't even know if it's any good or not.

1414. That's true. I haven't read a word of it, or even seen a preview...

1415. but after the opening tomorrow,

1416. I'm going to turn in the worst review anybody has ever read.

1417. And I'm going to close your play.

1418. Would you like to know why?

1419. Because I hate you, and everyone you represent.

1420. Entitled, selfish, spoiled children.

1421. Blissfully untrained, unversed and unprepared...

1422. to even attempt real art.

1423. Handing each other awards for cartoons and pornography.

1424. Measuring your worth in weekends?

1425. Well, this is the theater.

1426. You don't get to come here and pretend

1427. you can write, direct and act...

1428. in your own propaganda piece

1429. without coming through me first.

1430. Ah. So break a leg.

1431. Wow. So what has to happen in a person's life

1432. for them to become a critic, anyway?

1433. What are you writing, a review?

1434. Huh? Is it any good?

1435. Is it bad? Did you even see it? Let me read it.

1436. I will call the police.

1437. No, you won't. Let's read your fucking review.

1438. "Callow." Callow is a label.

1439. "Lackluster." That's just a label.

1440. "Marginalia"? Are you kidding me?

1441. It sounds like you need penicillin to clear that up.

1442. That's a label, too. These are all labels. You just label everything.

1443. That's so fucking lazy. You're a lazy fucker.

1444. You're a lazy—

1445. Do you know what this is? Do you even know what it is?

1446. You don't. You know why?

1447. Because you can't see this thing

1448. if you don't know how to label it.

1449. You mistake those noises in your head for true knowledge.

1450. Are you finished? No.

1451. There's nothing in here about technique, about structure...

1452. about intention. It's just a bunch of crappy opinions...

1453. backed up by even crappier comparisons.

1454. You write a couple paragraphs, and you know what?

1455. None of this costs you fucking anything.

1456. You risk nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing!

1457. Well, I'm a fucking actor.

1458. This play cost me everything.

1459. So I'll tell you what. You take this fucking...

1460. malicious, cowardly...

1461. shittily written review and you shove it right the fuck up...

1462. your wrinkly... tight ass.

1463. You're no actor, you're a celebrity.

1464. Let's be clear on that.

1465. I'm going to kill your play.

1466. Tomorrow...

1467. and tomorrow...

1468. and tomorrow,

1469. Creeps in this...

1470. —Petty pace...

1471. from day to day...

1472. to the last... syllable...

1473. of recorded time;

1474. And...

1475. all of our yesterdays...

1476. have lighted...

1477. fools...

1478. A pint of whiskey, please.

1479. the way to dusty death.

1480. Out . . . out...

1481. $6.50, my friend.

1482. $6.50 Uh?

1483. Here... I don't know what that is, just take it.

1484. But your—

1485. Life is but a walking shadow,

1486. A poor...

1487. —Player...

1488. that struts and frets his hour upon the stage...

1489. and then is heard...

1490. no more!

1491. It is a tale...

1492. told by an idiot...

1493. full of sound and fury...

1494. signifying nothing!

1495. Where you going, man? Was that too much?

1496. I was just trying to give you a range.

1497. It's a little bit too much. I can tell, because you—

1498. I just want to give you a range.

1499. That was a little too much. It was a little too much.

1500. God, you look like shit, brother.

1501. You get that mongoloid look when you're hung over.

1502. Yeah.

1503. Let's go. Come on. Get up.

1504. It's a beautiful day.

1505. Forget about the Times... everyone else has.

1506. Come on. Stand up!

1507. So you're not a great actor. Who cares?

1508. You're much more than that.

1509. You tower over these other theater douchebags.

1510. You're a movie star, man!

1511. You're a global force! Don't you get it?

1512. You spent your life building a bank account

1513. and a reputation— and you blew 'em both.

1514. Good for you.

1515. Fuck it. We'll make a comeback.

1516. They're waiting for something huge. Well, give it to them.

1517. Shave off that pathetic goatee. Get some surgery!

1518. Sixty's the new thirty, motherfucker.

1519. You're the original. You paved the way for these other clowns.

1520. Give the people what they want—

1521. old-fashioned apocalyptic porn.

1522. The Phoenix Rises.

1523. Pimple-faced gamers creaming in their pants.

1524. A billion worldwide, guaranteed!

1525. You are larger than life, man.

1526. You save people from their boring, miserable lives.

1527. You make them jump, laugh, shit their pants.

1528. All you have to do is—

1529. That's what I'm talking about.

1530. Bones rattling! Big, loud, fast!

1531. Look at these people, at their eyes— they're sparkling.

1532. They love this shit. They love blood. They love action.

1533. Not this talky, depressing, philosophical bullshit.

1534. Yes.

1535. And the next time you screech...

1536. it'll explode into millions of eardrums.

1537. You'll glimmer on thousands of screens around the globe.

1538. Another blockbuster.

1539. You are a god.

1540. See? There you go, you motherfucker.

1541. Gravity doesn't even apply to you.

1542. Wait till you see the faces of those who thought we were finished.

1543. Listen to me. Let's go back one more time

1544. and show them what we're capable of.

1545. We have to end it on our own terms... with a grand gesture.

1546. Flames. Sacrifice.

1547. Icarus.

1548. You can do it.

1549. You hear me?

1550. You are—

1551. Birdman!

1552. Hey! Is this for real, or are you shooting a film?

1553. A film!

1554. You people are full of shit!

1555. Hey, man, can I help you?

1556. Be careful.

1557. Sorry, I can't talk. I'm late.

1558. Music.

1559. You okay, man?

1560. You want me to call somebody for you?

1561. Do you know where to go?

1562. Yeah.

1563. I know where to go.

1564. Oh! Hey!

1565. Oh! Oh!

1566. Whoa!

1567. You see?

1568. This is where you belong.

1569. Above them all.

1570. Stop the music.

1571. I beg your pardon?

1572. Sir, you did not pay me!

1573. What are you doing? Where are you going?

1574. This guy didn't pay me. He's fucking crazy!

1575. Not a bad first act, huh?

1576. Not bad at all.

1577. It's going really well.

1578. I didn't think he could do Broadway.

1579. I never would have expected it.

1580. If the 2nd act is half as good...

1581. It's pretty glorious.

1582. What do we talk about when we talk about Riggan Thomson?

1583. How long is the intermission?

1584. Birdman can act.

1585. Whoa.

1586. I just came to say hello.

1587. It's going great out there. You're so good.

1588. I mean it. I really mean it.

1589. Places for the final scene, Riggan.

1590. Do you need to...?

1591. No, it's fine. Just sit here for a second.

1592. Look at all these roses.

1593. I hate roses.

1594. And you hate roses.

1595. Are you okay? You seem...

1596. I don't know, you seem abnormally calm.

1597. I am calm.

1598. I'm great, actually.

1599. You know...

1600. I got this little voice... talks to me sometimes.

1601. Tells me the truth.

1602. It's comforting.

1603. Kind of scary, but it is comforting.

1604. I'm going to pretend I didn't hear you say that.

1605. Okay.

1606. You wouldn't believe the crowd outside.

1607. They said some people paid up to $500 a ticket.

1608. Really?

1609. Hey.

1610. Can I tell you something funny?

1611. Remember our last anniversary party?

1612. Seriously? You want to ruin a nice moment?

1613. Do you remember'?

1614. You fucked Janet Rossbach in our bed.

1615. Skip over that part.

1616. Oh, gladly.

1617. You threw all the guests out of the house...

1618. and you threw all the furniture out the window.

1619. I remember. Locked yourself in the bathroom.

1620. Why are we talking about...?

1621. I drove out to...

1622. Malibu.

1623. I just sat on the beach for a while, looking out at the ocean.

1624. Riggan.

1625. And I walked...

1626. straight into the water.

1627. And then I tried to drown myself.

1628. I was up to my chest when I felt the first one.

1629. On my back, it was like somebody was

1630. holding a frying pan to me and really burning.

1631. And then they were on my chest and all over my legs.

1632. The water was full of jellyfish.

1633. They were all over me.

1634. I had to fight my way out of the water and went up to the beach.

1635. I was rolling around like a maniac in the sand...

1636. crying.

1637. You said it was a sunburn.

1638. I know. And you believed me.

1639. To be honest, I didn't give a shit.

1640. I love you.

1641. And I love Sam.

1642. I know.

1643. I really wish I hadn't videotaped her birth.

1644. Why?

1645. 'Cause...

1646. I missed the moment, really.

1647. I don't have it.

1648. I should have just been there with the two of you.

1649. You know... just the three of us.

1650. But I wasn't.

1651. I wasn't even present in my own life, and now I don't have it...

1652. and I'm never going to have it.

1653. You have Sam.

1654. Not really, I don't. I mean, she's...

1655. No, she's just going through—

1656. No, I get it, I understand.

1657. She needed to have a dad...

1658. and instead she got this guy who was a...

1659. three-day viral sensation.

1660. It is so pathetic, I can't...

1661. There are things more pathetic than that.

1662. Yeah, like?

1663. That moustache.

1664. Riggan, we are in the motel.

1665. Last scene has started. You're not here.

1666. Last chance for "places."

1667. You better get back to your seat.

1668. Twenty little leopards laughed at two lofty lions.

1669. Twenty little leopards laughed at two lofty lions.

1670. Twenty little leopards laughed at two lofty lions.

1671. Break a leg, Mr. Thomson.

1672. Let me put the blood rig on.

1673. Riggan!

1674. Terri!

1675. Terri!

1676. Eddie! What are you doing here?

1677. Why? I just want you to tell me why.

1678. Shut up! Eddie, please!

1679. What's the matter with me?

1680. Tell me. Why do I always have to beg people to love me?

1681. Eddie, please, give me the gun.

1682. It was me. I was drowning. I'm just not capable of—

1683. You deserve to be loved, Eddie. You do.

1684. I just wanted to be what you wanted. What you wanted.

1685. Now I spend every fucking minute trying

1686. to be something else, something I'm not.

1687. Just put the gun down, Ed.

1688. She doesn't love you anymore.

1689. You don't, do you?

1690. NO.

1691. And you never will.

1692. I'm sorry.

1693. Ah.

1694. I don't exist.

1695. I'm not even here.

1696. I'm not even here.

1697. Bang!

1698. Bang!

1699. Is he up?

1700. He just woke up.

1701. I thought I lost you, buddy.

1702. What the hell happened?

1703. I was watching you onstage and all of a sudden...

1704. you had that goofy look in your eye and you just...

1705. What is wrong with you? He tried to—

1706. I'm happy! He's alive! My best friend is alive! And...

1707. he's the fucking man of the hour.

1708. What is that?

1709. You have to be shitting me.

1710. Read it.

1711. I don't believe this. "The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance"?

1712. Read it.

1713. "By Tabitha Dickinson."

1714. Read it out loud!

1715. "Thomson has unwittingly given birth

1716. "to a new form, which can only be described as...

1717. super-realism.

1718. "Blood was spilled both literally and metaphorically

1719. "by artist and audience alike.

1720. "Real blood.

1721. "The blood that has been sorely missing

1722. "from the veins of American theater..."

1723. You're happy about this?

1724. Happy? I'm fucking euphoric!

1725. This is the kind of review that turns people into living legends!

1726. He shot the nose off his face!

1727. He got a new nose!

1728. And if doesn't like that one, we'll get him a new one!

1729. We'll use Meg Ryan's guy. Who cares?

1730. They're lighting candles for him in Central Park.

1731. Turn on the TV.

1732. —a vigil for actor Riggan Thomson.

1733. They're praying for him all over the country. He did it. You did it!

1734. I've been reborn, brother. And I can see the future.

1735. This play is going to last forever.

1736. It's going to open in London, Paris.

1737. The studio will call,

1738. we're going to get book deals—you'll see.

1739. So you can see the future?

1740. Yeah, I can!

1741. How about that, huh? Did you see that coming? Oh.

1742. Why aren't you saying anything?

1743. This is what you wanted, wasn't it?

1744. Riggan, this is what you wanted.

1745. Yeah.

1746. Yeah, this is what I wanted.

1747. Okay, listen. You're going to get hit

1748. with a "brandishing a weapon" charge.

1749. If anybody talks to you about it, it was an accident.

1750. Is that what this was?

1751. An accident? An accident.

1752. Did you intend to shoot yourself!

1753. You motherfuckers, this is a hospital! Get the fuck out of here!

1754. This is a hospital!

1755. Get the fuck out, you assholes!

1756. Out! This is a personal matter!

1757. A personal matter!

1758. Hey, Sam! What did you feel like

1759. the night your father tried to kill himself?

1760. Lilacs.

1761. Are you laughing?

1762. What's so funny?

1763. I can't smell them.

1764. What are you doing?

1765. Posting a photo of you on your Twitter page.

1766. I have a Twitter page?

1767. Yeah, I set it up today.

1768. Let me see. No way.

1769. You look hideous.

1770. Oh, wow, thank you. I appreciate it.

1771. I'm just kidding.

1772. No, I'm actually not. You do look hideous.

1773. You got 80,000 followers in less than a day.

1774. Really?

1775. I'm going to scare the shit out of them.

1776. Let me look at it.

1777. Mmm-mmm. It's done.

1778. Uh, I'm going to get a vase for the flowers.

1779. Oh.

1780. Ah.

1781. Ah.

1782. Ah.

1783. Bye-bye... and fuck you.

1784. Dad?

1785. Dad?

1786. Dad?