1. Suntan lotion is good for meCopy !req
2. You protect meCopy !req
3. Tee-hee-heeCopy !req
4. Oh, the sun tries to burn me,
but you won't let it, will ya?Copy !req
5. Ultraviolet rays - bad. Lotion - good.Copy !req
6. Smiley.Copy !req
7. There's something important
I was supposed to do today.Copy !req
8. Have five daiquiris?Copy !req
9. No, you remembered to do that.Copy !req
10. Man, why did I have so many drinks?
I can't remember.Copy !req
11. - What's today?
- October?Copy !req
12. It's nudie-magazine day!Copy !req
13. Yeah!Copy !req
14. Watch out, butler!Copy !req
15. Ooh, you're a quick one.Copy !req
16. Nudie-magazine day!
Nudie-magazine day!Copy !req
17. Nudie-magazine day! Nudie...Copy !req
18. Agh! Ooh!Copy !req
19. Ooh.Copy !req
20. Eee...Copy !req
21. Ah!Copy !req
22. Oh!Copy !req
23. Holy jeez!Copy !req
24. Lookee what we got here.
That silly penguin is back again.Copy !req
25. No, Mr Madison, there no penguin.
You got too much sun today.Copy !req
26. There no penguin!Copy !req
27. It's too damn hot for a penguin
to be just walkin' around here.Copy !req
28. I gotta send him back to the South Pole.Copy !req
29. No!Copy !req
30. Penguin! Don't you dare run away!Copy !req
31. Come here, Mr Penguin!Copy !req
32. I'm one of the good guys, penguin.Copy !req
33. Don't run! Oh. Oh...Copy !req
34. Don't run!Copy !req
35. Don't run from me!Copy !req
36. Penguin!Copy !req
37. Penguin.Copy !req
38. You're a bad penguin.Copy !req
39. Whee-hee!Copy !req
40. Call the zoo!Copy !req
41. All the people at the zoo
are very nice, penguin.Copy !req
42. They'll treat you real respectable, like.Copy !req
43. There's nothing to worry about, big fella.Copy !req
44. Here I come!Copy !req
45. Right this way, gentlemen.
Mr Madison is expecting you.Copy !req
46. Leg.Copy !req
47. Billy! You shouldn't pull that crap in front
of your father's business associates.Copy !req
48. Now you get yourself upstairs
and get ready. Dinner's in 15 minutes.Copy !req
49. - Yeah, yeah.
- Don't "yeah, yeah" me, boy.Copy !req
50. This is a very important dinner.
You best be there.Copy !req
51. I will. Thank you, Juanita.Copy !req
52. You gotta dress yourself up
and look nice, too.Copy !req
53. Oh, that boy's a fine
piece of work all right.Copy !req
54. He's a fine piece of ass though, too.Copy !req
55. Where the hell is he? I'm starvin'.Copy !req
56. I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car.
You should've had some.Copy !req
57. If you'd told me
there were Triscuit crackers,Copy !req
58. - ..I could've enjoyed them with you.
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
59. Sorry doesn't put the Triscuit crackers
in my stomach, does it, Carl?Copy !req
60. Gentlemen?
I'm sorry to have kept you waiting.Copy !req
61. Have you all met?
Eric Gordon, my executive vice president.Copy !req
62. And our operations manager Carl Alphonse.
Sit down, gentlemen, sit down.Copy !req
63. Beautiful table.Copy !req
64. Good seeing you, sir.Copy !req
65. Where's Billy?Copy !req
66. Juanita said he'd be down
in a few minutes.Copy !req
67. I'm sure you'll all be very impressed.Copy !req
68. Shampoo is better.
I go on first and clean the hair.Copy !req
69. Conditioner is better.Copy !req
70. I leave the hair silky and smooth.Copy !req
71. Oh, really, fool? Really!Copy !req
72. Stop looking at me, swan.Copy !req
73. - Hey, Carl, what's up?
- Nothing much, Billy.Copy !req
74. - I see you got a little sun today.
- You think so?Copy !req
75. - I fell asleep by the pool for a few hours.
- Did you fall asleep or did you pass out?Copy !req
76. Shut up!Copy !req
77. That's enough, Billy. Because you took
your sweet-ass time coming down here,Copy !req
78. .. these gentlemen will miss their flights.Copy !req
79. Well, this guy can stay in my room,
I'll tell you that much.Copy !req
80. Billy? Eat your soup.Copy !req
81. It's good soup.Copy !req
82. Gentlemen, I can't thank you enough
for coming this evening.Copy !req
83. Please, Billy, please,
no gibberish tonight, please. I beg you.Copy !req
84. Sorry, Daddy.Copy !req
85. This is a big night for me tonight, gents.
I have an important announcement.Copy !req
86. That's it, Billy! Get the hell outta here!Copy !req
87. Nice talkin' to you, Billy.Copy !req
88. Right. One, two, three!Copy !req
89. Hey, Billy, how come
you ain't poundin' any tonight?Copy !req
90. I don't know. My dad was yellin' at me.
I'm just not in the mood.Copy !req
91. Hey, Billy, who would you rather bone,
Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?Copy !req
92. Jack Nicholson now, or 1974?Copy !req
93. '74.Copy !req
94. - Meg Ryan.
- Go.Copy !req
95. Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!Copy !req
96. Oh, my God! I am the winner!Copy !req
97. - Billy is not an idiot.
- I'm not saying he's an idiot.Copy !req
98. I just think he might not be mature
enough to run a Fortune 500 company.Copy !req
99. My late wife Emily and I
started this company...Copy !req
100. .. with a 15-unit motel
in Patchogue, Long Island.Copy !req
101. We built it into 650 hotels.Copy !req
102. Our dream was to one day
turn it over to our only son Billy.Copy !req
103. - How many people work for Madison?
- 61,000 and change.Copy !req
104. How long will they have jobs once Billy
has the hotel operator speaking gibberish?Copy !req
105. Oh, Billy, Billy boy.Copy !req
106. When are you gonna find
whatever it is you're lookin' for?Copy !req
107. Here's a nice piece of shit.Copy !req
108. My, oh, my. Wait till old man Clemens
realises it's a bag of shit.Copy !req
109. He's gonna shit when he realises it's shit.Copy !req
110. Who got the lighter?Copy !req
111. Come on.Copy !req
112. Light it.Copy !req
113. Oh, my God! Old man Clemens hates shit!Copy !req
114. Shh. Here he comes!Copy !req
115. Who the hell is it? What do you want?Copy !req
116. Judas Priest, Barbara!
One of those flaming bags again!Copy !req
117. Don't put it out
with your boots, Ted.Copy !req
118. Don't tell me my business, devil woman.Copy !req
119. Call the fire department.
This one's outta controlCopy !req
120. It's poop again!Copy !req
121. He called the shit "poop"!Copy !req
122. This is the best night of my life!Copy !req
123. I'll get you damn kids for this!
You're all gonna die!Copy !req
124. Billy, could you step in here
for a moment?Copy !req
125. I have big news.Copy !req
126. Eric is pregnant! Congratulations, Dippy!Copy !req
127. Feel those kicks!
He's gonna be a soccer player. He is.Copy !req
128. He is.Copy !req
129. All right, what's up?Copy !req
130. I've had to face
some hard truths tonight, Billy.Copy !req
131. Do we have to do this
with Captain Dipshit here?Copy !req
132. You were brought up with
every advantage. I bought you everything.Copy !req
133. Toys, cars, vacations, clothes...Copy !req
134. Actually, I stole this shirt from Frank.Copy !req
135. Yeah, well, whatever.
It's all my fault. I made a mistake.Copy !req
136. Jeez, what...?
Are you some damned moron?Copy !req
137. Can't you just stop for two seconds?Copy !req
138. I'm trying to tell you that I'm retiring,
and Eric, not you,Copy !req
139. - ..is gonna take over Madison Hotels.
- Eric?Copy !req
140. You're gonna give the company to Eric?
He is a bad, bad man!Copy !req
141. What do you care, Billy? What do you care
who I appoint to run the company, huh?Copy !req
142. I mean, I'm doin' you a favour.
You don't ever have to look for a job.Copy !req
143. You can sit around all day, goofing off,
sipping drinks, chasing invisible penguins.Copy !req
144. Is that it, Dad?
Did the penguin tell you to do this?Copy !req
145. - Penguin?
- What an idiot.Copy !req
146. You know, I could help Billy
until he gets the hang of it.Copy !req
147. I think crazy Carl is right. I mean,
I can do this if I set my mind to it.Copy !req
148. High school was a pain in the ass,
but I graduated.Copy !req
149. Because I paid your teachers
to give you decent grades.Copy !req
150. I've regretted it every day since.
I thought at the time...Copy !req
151. .. if you could get good grades,
you might get into a good college...Copy !req
152. - .. and straighten yourself out.
- I don't believe that.Copy !req
153. Well, what do you believe?
That you were an honours student?Copy !req
154. How could I hand over to someone who
couldn't get through school on his own?Copy !req
155. I don't know. Don't think about it.
Just hand it over.Copy !req
156. Forget it.Copy !req
157. Well, listen, don't you think you better
go to bed? Big day tomorrow.Copy !req
158. A day filled with daiquiris
and Nintendos and jack-off magazines...Copy !req
159. Dad!Copy !req
160. Yeah, what?Copy !req
161. Give me one more chance.
I'll prove I can take over.Copy !req
162. I'll do anything it takes. I'll go back
to high school and take the exams again.Copy !req
163. - I'll get my diploma all by myself.
- Billy, Billy, it wasn't just high school.Copy !req
164. Remember that spelling bee
you won in the first grade?Copy !req
165. - No, you didn't.
- Rock.Copy !req
166. R-o-k.Copy !req
167. Yeah? So what's your point?Copy !req
168. - R-o-c-k!
- The C is silent.Copy !req
169. OK, all right.Copy !req
170. All right, you got it. First grade
through 12th grade all over again.Copy !req
171. I'll do each grade in two weeks,
take the tests, regraduate,Copy !req
172. .. prove to you I'm not an idiot, and then
I get to take over Madison Hotels.Copy !req
173. That's some idea.Copy !req
174. - You just think of that?
- Yeah, I did. It's pretty good, huh?Copy !req
175. Brian, don't you think
the future of Madison Hotels...Copy !req
176. .. and its 61,000 employees is too
important to gamble on a game like this?Copy !req
177. No.Copy !req
178. You're on.
Carl, you make the arrangements.Copy !req
179. You pass every grade before June 15
and you take over instead of Eric.Copy !req
180. Have a nice weekend, son.
You start school on Monday.Copy !req
181. Oh!Copy !req
182. Give 'em hell, Bill.Copy !req
183. Nice try, asswipe.
But you're just delaying the inevitable.Copy !req
184. Downtown we'll drown,
we're in our never splendourCopy !req
185. Flowers, showersCopy !req
186. Who's got the new boy gender?Copy !req
187. I'll be your baby, I'll be your scoreCopy !req
188. I'll run the gun for you
and so much moreCopy !req
189. I'll tumble for yaCopy !req
190. I'll tumble for yaCopy !req
191. I'll tumble for ya, I'll tumble for youCopy !req
192. I'll tumble for yaCopy !req
193. I'll tumble for yaCopy !req
194. I'll tumble for ya, I'll tumbleCopy !req
195. I get a crazy feeling
that chases in my headCopy !req
196. It's nothing that you do to me,
it's nothing that you saidCopy !req
197. Where's my Snack Pack?Copy !req
198. You've got a banana.
You don't need no Snack Pack.Copy !req
199. You know I like Snack Pack.
Why can't you give me a Snack Pack?Copy !req
200. I thought I was your Snack Pack.Copy !req
201. - What are you talkin' about?
- Nothin'.Copy !req
202. Bill, you're gonna miss the bus.Copy !req
203. Yeah, you better get
your beautiful buns up that driveway.Copy !req
204. What a weirdo!Copy !req
205. Oh, back to schoolCopy !req
206. Back to schoolCopy !req
207. To prove to Dad that I'm not a foolCopy !req
208. I got my lunch packed upCopy !req
209. My boots tied tightCopy !req
210. I hope I don't get in a fightCopy !req
211. Oh, back to schoolCopy !req
212. Back to school, back to school...Copy !req
213. Well, here goes nothin'.Copy !req
214. Thank you, Daddy.Copy !req
215. - Hi. How you doin'?
- Fine.Copy !req
216. Are you going to class today, too?Copy !req
217. I'll be going to class to teach.
How about you?Copy !req
218. I'll be going to learn.Copy !req
219. Ah. You must be Billy Madison.Copy !req
220. Yes, I am.Copy !req
221. Don't you think it's pathetic that because
of your father you get to do school again?Copy !req
222. - Yes, I do.
- Well, as long as you know.Copy !req
223. Well, all right!Copy !req
224. Hey, mister,
guess what I had for breakfast.Copy !req
225. - What?
- Beans.Copy !req
226. Scotty likes beans, don't you, Scotty?Copy !req
227. - Hey. How you doin'?
- Let's involve the class.Copy !req
228. Quiet down, my special people.Copy !req
229. I want you all to meet...Copy !req
230. .. our new friend Billy.Copy !req
231. - Can everyone say hello to Billy?
- Hello, Billy.Copy !req
232. Hi.Copy !req
233. Billy is going to be sharing our fun
and learning for the next two weeks.Copy !req
234. Billy is special,
just like each and every one of you.Copy !req
235. And what do we do to our special people?Copy !req
236. All right. All right.Copy !req
237. Billy, why don't you take a seat
right up front here?Copy !req
238. And we can start story time.Copy !req
239. You got a misshaped head.Copy !req
240. Thank you.Copy !req
241. The Puppy Who Lost His Way
by Chrissy Taylor.Copy !req
242. "One fine morning...Copy !req
243. ..a puppy popped his puppy paws
out of his puppy house."Copy !req
244. "This was no ordinary puppy."Copy !req
245. "This puppy was the happiest puppy
in the whole world."Copy !req
246. "In fact, his name was Happy.
Happy looked through the bushes..."Copy !req
247. "I'll never let you get lost again',
cried the little boy,Copy !req
248. .. who was so happy
that he gave Happy a kiss...Copy !req
249. .. on his wet little puppy nose."Copy !req
250. "The end."Copy !req
251. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Miss Lippy.
The part of the story I don't like...Copy !req
252. ..is that the little boy gave up
looking for Happy after an hour.Copy !req
253. He didn't put posters up. He just sat
on the porch like a goon and waited.Copy !req
254. That little boy's gotta think:
you got a pet, you got a responsibility.Copy !req
255. If your dog gets lost, you don't look
for an hour then call it quits.Copy !req
256. You get your ass out there
and you find that fuckin' dog!Copy !req
257. I think it's time to play dodge ball.Copy !req
258. You're out! O'Doyle rules!Copy !req
259. Billy. What are you doing back?Copy !req
260. I'm out.Copy !req
261. Well, that just means you stay
off to the side until a new game starts.Copy !req
262. That's OK. I'm kinda tired anyway.
I'll just sit here and colour or something.Copy !req
263. Billy, dodge-ball time is a special time.Copy !req
264. Not just for you boys and girls,
but for Miss Lippy, too. So stay outside.Copy !req
265. Whoa!Copy !req
266. Now you're all in big, big trouble.Copy !req
267. You're out!Copy !req
268. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
269. Lunchtime!Copy !req
270. I bet that Snack Pack's pretty good.Copy !req
271. Wanna trade me the rest of it
for this banana?Copy !req
272. You know how badly I can beat you, right?Copy !req
273. Mortal Kombat on Sega Genesis
is the best video game ever.Copy !req
274. I disagree. It's a very good game, but I
think Donkey Kong is the best game ever.Copy !req
275. - Donkey Kong sucks.
- You know somethin'? You suck.Copy !req
276. Number one, number oneCopy !req
277. Now my song has just begunCopy !req
278. With a rum tum taddelum,
Old John BraddelumCopy !req
279. Hey, what country folk we beCopy !req
280. Number two, number twoCopy !req
281. Roosters crow,
cock-a-doodle-doodle-dooCopy !req
282. With a rum tum taddelum,
Old John BraddelumCopy !req
283. Hey, what countryfolk we beCopy !req
284. Number three, number threeCopy !req
285. I like you and you like meCopy !req
286. Hey! That's very nice of you to pick up
your little brother here at school.Copy !req
287. He's not my brother. He's my son.Copy !req
288. - You gotta be kiddin' me.
- Mom, that's Billy. He's in my class.Copy !req
289. I heard he's retarded or something.Copy !req
290. Creative mind. Maybe someday he'll make
Mommy and Daddy a lot of money.Copy !req
291. Daddy's in prison, and he won't
be home for a long time.Copy !req
292. My dear Lord.Copy !req
293. Yeah! Yeah, well, I gotta get goin'
right now. I gotta get on the bus.Copy !req
294. I ride the bus for the city
and watch the bus drivers.Copy !req
295. This programme to make sure
they turn the wheels right...Copy !req
296. Billy, you forgot your stuff.Copy !req
297. Come on, honey.Copy !req
298. Thank you very much, Miss Lippy!Copy !req
299. Yes.Copy !req
300. - Brian Madison for you.
- Tell him I'm out to lunch.Copy !req
301. Billy Madison.Copy !req
302. A buffoon. And yet a threat
to my eventual takeover of this company.Copy !req
303. A menace.
And what do we do with a menace?Copy !req
304. We eliminate it.
We eliminate Billy Madison.Copy !req
305. - Tricia Labonte?
- Here.Copy !req
306. - Scotty Logan?
- Here.Copy !req
307. Billy Madison?Copy !req
308. Hm...Copy !req
309. Hey. Look at all this milk.Copy !req
310. - You want some of this milk?
- That milk belongs to that classroom.Copy !req
311. Oh. They don't gots to know about it.
It could be our milk.Copy !req
312. No milk will ever be our milk.Copy !req
313. Ooh. That wasn't very nice.Copy !req
314. How 'bout you, sideburns?
You want some of this milk?Copy !req
315. Rather have a beer.Copy !req
316. I drew the duck blue because
I've never seen a blue duck before...Copy !req
317. .. and, to be honest with ya,
I wanted to see a blue duck.Copy !req
318. Well, it's an excellent blue duck.Copy !req
319. Congratulations.
You just passed the first grade.Copy !req
320. Oh, Miss Lippy, that's so great.Copy !req
321. What do you think of that, Mr Blue Duck?Copy !req
322. That's quack-tastic!Copy !req
323. Wow! Look at all that candy!Copy !req
324. Rolex!Copy !req
325. - Thanks for the watch, Billy.
- You're welcome, buddy.Copy !req
326. This is great. When I graduated first grade
all my father did was tell me to get a job.Copy !req
327. Hey, you wanna feed that donkey
some beer, get it all messed up?Copy !req
328. - Maybe later.
- I'll go put some beer in a bucket.Copy !req
329. - OK.
- Hey there, Mr Graduate. How's it goin'?Copy !req
330. Go!Copy !req
331. Come on, kid! Get up! Get up!Copy !req
332. You're humiliating yourself! Get up!Copy !req
333. Whoa, whoa, whoa...Copy !req
334. Aaah!Copy !req
335. So he's passed first grade and
he's moved on to second. Whoop-de-do.Copy !req
336. Any more information, Rollo?Copy !req
337. Billy likes to drink soda.Copy !req
338. Miss Lippy's car is green.Copy !req
339. And now we have just two students left.Copy !req
340. Bath.Copy !req
341. Bath.Copy !req
342. B-a-t-h.Copy !req
343. - Bath.
- Correct!Copy !req
344. Bath - that's a little easy.
Why don't you just give her the trophy?Copy !req
345. Cheese.Copy !req
346. Cheese.Copy !req
347. C-h-e-e-s-e.Copy !req
348. - Cheese.
- Correct.Copy !req
349. - Couch.
- Couch.Copy !req
350. C...Copy !req
351. C-o...Copy !req
352. - W?
- No!Copy !req
353. No, I'm sorry, that's not right.Copy !req
354. Well, Billy, if you spell this correctly,
you pass second grade.Copy !req
355. Couch.Copy !req
356. C...Copy !req
357. Cou...Copy !req
358. Cou...Copy !req
359. C-o...Copy !req
360. R... Are you going to the mall later?
That's what I'm asking.Copy !req
361. No, I am not going to the mall.
Keep spelling, mister.Copy !req
362. C-o-u...Copy !req
363. ..c-h?Copy !req
364. Correct!Copy !req
365. I am the smartest man alive!Copy !req
366. Is he gonna have a stupid party
every time he passes a grade?Copy !req
367. Everybody's having
a good time but you.Copy !req
368. Spoilt snot. Get outta here.Copy !req
369. Let me ask you something, Carl.
You started here, what, 25 years ago?Copy !req
370. Night bellboy at the Philadelphia Madison?Copy !req
371. After all your hard work, how would you
feel working for some punk kid like Billy?Copy !req
372. Could be worse.Copy !req
373. That's nice.Copy !req
374. Man, I'm so nervous.
First and second grade were easy,Copy !req
375. .. but social studies, division?
This is gonna be tough.Copy !req
376. Man, I'm so nervous.
First and second grade were easy,Copy !req
377. .. but social studies, division?
This is gonna be tough.Copy !req
378. Relax, dude.Copy !req
379. Jackpot.Copy !req
380. - Good morning, class.
- Good morning, Miss Vaughn.Copy !req
381. We're gonna start today by reading
a short story entitled "My Sister Fanny".Copy !req
382. Quiet.Copy !req
383. OK, so let's all open up
our Reading is Fun books to page 69.Copy !req
384. 69!Copy !req
385. Class, say hello to Billy Madison.Copy !req
386. Hello, Billy Madison.Copy !req
387. Billy is a nuisance.
He will be gone in two weeks.Copy !req
388. I apologise for this inconvenience.Copy !req
389. - Jeez! What's up her butt?
- What was that, Billy?Copy !req
390. I said "Reading is good."Copy !req
391. Can we start the story now?Copy !req
392. Dan, you may begin.Copy !req
393. "O... o... once...Copy !req
394. ..th... th... there w... was...Copy !req
395. ..a g... g... girl...Copy !req
396. .. who w..."Copy !req
397. - He can't even read.
- Cut it out, dude.Copy !req
398. You're gonna get us in trouble.Copy !req
399. "..p... p... p... p..."Copy !req
400. T... t... t... today, junior!Copy !req
401. Ow! You're tearing my ear off!Copy !req
402. Making fun of a kid for trying to read.
Are you psycho? Do you not have a soul?Copy !req
403. I'm sorry. I can't hear you.
I've been physically abused in the ear.Copy !req
404. Keep your mouth shut for the next two
weeks or I'm gonna fail you. End of story.Copy !req
405. I see your lips movin', but I can't
make out your words. I'm deaf.Copy !req
406. Oh, Veronica Vaughn. So hot.Copy !req
407. Want to touch the heinie.Copy !req
408. So that girlie I've been chasin'?
Turns out she's my third-grade teacher.Copy !req
409. First thing she does
is kick me out of her class.Copy !req
410. Maybe she feels she has
to make an example of you.Copy !req
411. - Or she's got somethin' up her ass.
- That's what I said.Copy !req
412. - Poor Billy.
- I'm so depressed.Copy !req
413. - Want me to take my shirt off for you?
- No, thank you.Copy !req
414. OK, baby. But remember,
the offer is on the table.Copy !req
415. Oh, yes. Oh, my.Copy !req
416. Oh, God, yes.Copy !req
417. - Lordy.
- Billy Madison.Copy !req
418. Uh-huh?Copy !req
419. Would you like to try writing some words
in cursive on the blackboard today?Copy !req
420. OK. Sure.Copy !req
421. OK, how about the word "dugout"?Copy !req
422. OK, good. How about "bunt"?Copy !req
423. Bunt. B-u-n-t.Copy !req
424. In perfect cursive.
Any more brain-busters?Copy !req
425. Rizzuto.Copy !req
426. Z... Z...Copy !req
427. Rirruto?Copy !req
428. Those are Zs.Copy !req
429. They look like Rs to me.Copy !req
430. That's not fair! Rizzuto is not a word.
He's a baseball player. You're cheating.Copy !req
431. Would you like to try the word "buzz"?Copy !req
432. I hate cursive and I hate all of you!Copy !req
433. I'm never comin' back to school! Never!Copy !req
434. Billy!Copy !req
435. I swear, I'm sick. I can't go to school.Copy !req
436. If you're gonna stay home today,
you could help me shave my armpits.Copy !req
437. Oh, my God! I'll go to school.Copy !req
438. O'Doyle rules!Copy !req
439. - What's goin' on?
- Miss Vaughn's sick.Copy !req
440. Please take your seats.Copy !req
441. - Who's that guy?
- Principal Anderson.Copy !req
442. As you can tell, Miss Vaughn is not feeling
well today, so I'll be taking her place.Copy !req
443. But don't get your hopes up,
because I plan on teaching,Copy !req
444. ..so I hope you plan on learning.Copy !req
445. Now, who can tell me where we are
in our social-studies reader?Copy !req
446. Yes?Copy !req
447. Michael?Copy !req
448. Excuse me. What's that in your hand?Copy !req
449. Bring that note up to me.Copy !req
450. Ooh.Copy !req
451. Now let's see what couldn't wait
till after class.Copy !req
452. "We're so lucky to have
Principal Anderson substituting."Copy !req
453. "Now we have the privilege of staring
at that tub of lard all day long"?Copy !req
454. "If I were him, I would walk my fat ass
right into oncoming traffic."Copy !req
455. Oh, man, Billy,
I just thought of the funniest thing.Copy !req
456. Billy?Copy !req
457. - Where's Billy?
- He's in school, man.Copy !req
458. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
459. I'm not the oneCopy !req
460. That you'll be shootin' forCopy !req
461. I'm not the oneCopy !req
462. Who's coming back for moreCopy !req
463. You know whyCopy !req
464. We've been through this too many timesCopy !req
465. You know whyCopy !req
466. It's never clear it's pantomimeCopy !req
467. I don't wanna sound like a weirdo,
but I kinda missed Miss Vaughn today.Copy !req
468. - Why? Do you like her or something?
- No!Copy !req
469. - Why? Did she say she likes me?
- Not to me.Copy !req
470. Well, let's find out.Copy !req
471. Uh, hello?Copy !req
472. Um, is this Miss Vaughn?Copy !req
473. Oh, hi. It's Ernie from class.Copy !req
474. Ask her if she has a boyfriend.Copy !req
475. Uh, Miss Vaughn, do you have a boyfriend?Copy !req
476. No.Copy !req
477. - Ask her...
- Shh!Copy !req
478. Ask her if she likes anybody from class,
like, more than a friend.Copy !req
479. Uh, Miss Vaughn, do you like
anybody in class more than a friend?Copy !req
480. No.Copy !req
481. Ask her if she would ever
go out with somebody from class.Copy !req
482. - No!
- Just do it!Copy !req
483. Um, Miss Vaughn, would you ever
go out with anybody from class?Copy !req
484. Uh-huh.Copy !req
485. Uh-huh.Copy !req
486. You see, Ernie, grown-ups like
to go out with other grown-ups.Copy !req
487. - What about Billy?
- You're more of a grown-up than Billy.Copy !req
488. - I'll give you a grown-up.
- What was that, Ernie?Copy !req
489. Nothing.
See you tomorrow in class, Miss Vaughn.Copy !req
490. You blew it!Copy !req
491. Hey, I dare you to throw
your sandwich at the bus driver.Copy !req
492. Do it. Come on.Copy !req
493. Hey!Copy !req
494. Hey, who threw that?Copy !req
495. I'll turn this damn bus around.Copy !req
496. That'll end your precious little
field trip pretty damn quick, huh?Copy !req
497. Bullshit.Copy !req
498. Hey, I'm tryin' to score points with
the teacher today. Don't screw it up!Copy !req
499. I dare you to touch her boobs.Copy !req
500. Touch her boobs? That's assault, brother.Copy !req
501. Ya double-dare me?Copy !req
502. Miss Vaughn, how long till we get there?Copy !req
503. - I have to go to the bathroom.
- Probably about two minutes.Copy !req
504. Sorry about that.
Damn guy drives like an animal.Copy !req
505. That's all right, Billy.
Why don't you go back and sit down now?Copy !req
506. - OK.
- I double-dare you.Copy !req
507. Da... I... Accident...Copy !req
508. Mistake... Tit...Copy !req
509. - Go sit down now.
- Yes.Copy !req
510. Yeah, here we go again.
Another treat from the road.Copy !req
511. Grand, ripe banana.
Trick of the day. Great...Copy !req
512. What is a horseshoe?
What does a horseshoe do?Copy !req
513. Are there any horse socks?Copy !req
514. Is anybody listening to me?Copy !req
515. Anyways, I am sorry about
what happened back there,Copy !req
516. .. but you have to admit,
I've been tryin' to be good lately.Copy !req
517. Well, you're not the first person
that's tried to grab my chest.Copy !req
518. I'm trying not to hold you to a higher
standard than the rest of the students.Copy !req
519. Although maybe I should.
You are, what, 50?Copy !req
520. No, but the other kids look up to me.
I don't want them to think I'm a coward.Copy !req
521. Don't worry about it. Next week you're
gonna have another teacher to annoy.Copy !req
522. I don't want to annoy another teacher,
Miss Vaughn. I want to annoy you.Copy !req
523. - Miss Vaughn!
- Somebody stole all our lunches.Copy !req
524. Who would steal 30 bagged lunches?Copy !req
525. I'll tell you who took those lunches.Copy !req
526. That damn sasquatch.Copy !req
527. Well, I guess that's it.
OK, everybody! Back on the bus!Copy !req
528. - Hey, what's with Ernie?
- I don't know. I'll be right back.Copy !req
529. Hey, Ernie, what's up?Copy !req
530. Nothing.Copy !req
531. You fallen in love
with the wall or somethin'?Copy !req
532. - I had an accident.
- An accident. What does that mean?Copy !req
533. Ooh!Copy !req
534. Oh, I know. OK. Uh...Copy !req
535. Don't worry, buddy. You hang tight.
I'll be right back.Copy !req
536. Hey, look, everybody! Billy peed his pants!Copy !req
537. Of course I peed my pants. Everybody
my age pees their pants. It's the coolest.Copy !req
538. - Really?
- Yes!Copy !req
539. You ain't cool unless you pee your pants.Copy !req
540. - Wow.
- Hey, man, Ernie peed his pants too.Copy !req
541. All right!Copy !req
542. If peeing your pants is cool,
consider me Miles Davis.Copy !req
543. Oh!Copy !req
544. That was the grossest thing
I've ever heard in my life! Let's go!Copy !req
545. Get on the bus here.Copy !req
546. Move it. Get up there, Kyle.Copy !req
547. One, two, five, seven.Copy !req
548. Move it or lose it. Get on the b...Copy !req
549. Hi, Miss Vaughn. Nice to see ya.Copy !req
550. That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ass.Copy !req
551. I know from experience, dude,
if you know what I mean.Copy !req
552. No, you don't.Copy !req
553. Well, not me personally, but a guy I know.
Him and her got it on.Copy !req
554. Whoo-ee!Copy !req
555. No, they didn't.Copy !req
556. No, no, no, they didn't.Copy !req
557. But you can imagine
what it'd be like if they did, right? Huh?Copy !req
558. Everybody on?
Good, great, grand, wonderful!Copy !req
559. No yelling on the bus!Copy !req
560. Billy passed the third gradeCopy !req
561. Oh, what a glorious dayCopy !req
562. Oh, passin' third gradeCopy !req
563. The Billy Madison wayCopy !req
564. Yeah!Copy !req
565. Rock on! Yes!Copy !req
566. Stop it.Copy !req
567. Who are you? I don't even know you.
Go away, mister. Stop it.Copy !req
568. - Are you OK?
- Yeah.Copy !req
569. - Look! She came!
- And she came too.Copy !req
570. The mucus queen is yours.Copy !req
571. Thanks.Copy !req
572. Hi!Copy !req
573. Oh, gosh. Oh, thank you.Copy !req
574. Oh, my God!Copy !req
575. Snack Pack! You're the coolest!Copy !req
576. - Those should last you the weekend.
- Thank you very much.Copy !req
577. - Billy is on the right track.
- He's on track all right.Copy !req
578. He's headed right down the toilet.Copy !req
579. Easy.Copy !req
580. You still don't think he's gonna make it?Copy !req
581. Trust me, Carl, baby.
I know he's not gonna make it.Copy !req
582. Would you excuse me for a second?Copy !req
583. Who will help me destroy Billy Madison?Copy !req
584. Who?Copy !req
585. You know, that was really sweet,
the way you helped Ernie out yesterday.Copy !req
586. He would have done the same for me.Copy !req
587. So what's it like being back in school?Copy !req
588. I don't know. I kinda feel
like an idiot sometimes.Copy !req
589. Although I am an idiot,
so it kinda works out.Copy !req
590. Is it just you and your dad in here?Copy !req
591. Well, actually, no. There's Juanita,
and some maids and butlers and stuff.Copy !req
592. And people who work for my dad
are always stoppin' by.Copy !req
593. And my friends are always sleepin' over,
even when I didn't ask 'em to.Copy !req
594. - Sounds like a hotel.
- It kinda is. It can be distracting.Copy !req
595. That's why I moved out here.Copy !req
596. Wow.Copy !req
597. This is where I've been spending
most of my time lately.Copy !req
598. Not exactly roughing it, are you?Copy !req
599. Those are, uh...
They come with the tent, so...Copy !req
600. Oh, wow. A Tale of Two Cities.
I don't think we're up to that one yet.Copy !req
601. I can understand nine words
in that book now.Copy !req
602. So, it's, um... the last day of third grade.Copy !req
603. And you have the teacher,
alone, in your tent.Copy !req
604. What do you wanna do?Copy !req
605. Well, I can think of three things
I'd like to do.Copy !req
606. One would involve some ice cubes
and a nine-iron.Copy !req
607. - Two would include a buffalo.
- Really?Copy !req
608. Live or stuffed.
Preferably stuffed, for safety's sake.Copy !req
609. we'd bring back
some of those ice cubes,Copy !req
610. .. but switch it over to a pitching wedge.Copy !req
611. How you guys doin'?Copy !req
612. Hey! Carl! Good to see you!Copy !req
613. This is Veronica, my teacher. That's Carl.Copy !req
614. Very pleased to meet you.
Bill, I think Eric is up to something.Copy !req
615. - Who's Eric?
- He works for my dad too.Copy !req
616. He gets the company if I screw up.
He's a douchebag.Copy !req
617. He made some menacing comments to me,
and then he did that little weasel laugh.Copy !req
618. - Yeah. How does that laugh go again?
- You know.Copy !req
619. - Very good. It sounded just like him.
- Thanks.Copy !req
620. Well, I'm sure he's got
something up his sleeve.Copy !req
621. - Thanks, buddy.
- No problem.Copy !req
622. You went to school to learn, girlCopy !req
623. Things you never, never knew before...Copy !req
624. The most densely populated part
of the US is along the eastern seaboard.Copy !req
625. We're gonna talk about why that is
over the next few minutes.Copy !req
626. We all know what a census is, don't we?
That's like taking a census...Copy !req
627. You know, yeah. Pick it up and gimme...Copy !req
628. You want some of this?Copy !req
629. Oh, my dear Lord!Copy !req
630. You never leave me open, son,
cos I'm gonna hit it every time.Copy !req
631. You want some more of that?
I didn't think so!Copy !req
632. Reading, writing, arithmetic
are the branches of the learning treeCopy !req
633. But without the roots
of love every day, girlCopy !req
634. Your education ain't completeCopy !req
635. Teacher's gonna show youCopy !req
636. How to get an ACopy !req
637. How to spell 'me', 'you'
and add the twoCopy !req
638. Listen to me, baby,
that's all you gotta doCopy !req
639. ABCCopy !req
640. It's easy as 1-2-3Copy !req
641. As simple as do-re-mi, ABC...Copy !req
642. All right, stop before I throw up.Copy !req
643. Hey, Billy, you wanna go
play soccer with us after school?Copy !req
644. No, I got a test on Friday.
I'll play with you guys next week.Copy !req
645. - Next week you'll be in ninth grade.
- Yeah, high school.Copy !req
646. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
647. You aren't gonna wanna hang round with
a bunch of dumb elementary-school kids.Copy !req
648. That's not true. I'll come
and visit you guys all the time.Copy !req
649. Yeah, to see your girlfriend.Copy !req
650. Whooo!Copy !req
651. Have some more Sloppy Joes.Copy !req
652. I made 'em extra sloppy for yous.Copy !req
653. I know how yous kids like 'em sloppy.Copy !req
654. Lady, you're scarin' us.Copy !req
655. - Do you know where the bathroom is?
- Second door on the left.Copy !req
656. Hey, tubby, how about
a little bathroom reading?Copy !req
657. I have the August 1983 issue
of Wrestling World here.Copy !req
658. There's a terrific article about
a wrestler named the Revolting Blob.Copy !req
659. Gee, you know somethin'?
He kinda looks like someone I know.Copy !req
660. - Where'd you get that?
- I have a subscription.Copy !req
661. Bad guy. He threw one opponent out of
the ring and hit a bunch of senior citizens.Copy !req
662. Boy, this wacko looks familiar.Copy !req
663. What do I care about some
stupid phoney wrestling guy?Copy !req
664. My God.Copy !req
665. In June 1983 he sat on
some guy's head and killed him.Copy !req
666. It was just a stunt!Copy !req
667. He was supposed to pinch my leg
if he was running short of air.Copy !req
668. With this guy sitting on everyone's head,
I wonder how he got his teaching degree?Copy !req
669. No!Copy !req
670. No, you can't do that to me.
Those kids are my whole life!Copy !req
671. So you wouldn't want anything to happen
that would make 'em think less of you?Copy !req
672. Max?Copy !req
673. Max?Copy !req
674. You ready to cooperate with me?Copy !req
675. Yes.Copy !req
676. Then Madison Hotels is as good as mine!Copy !req
677. - Nice shirt.
- Yeah. Yep.Copy !req
678. Now the cell's happy. But other molecules
are saying "We'd like some energy too."Copy !req
679. And it uses its own pigment molecule,
chlorophyll, to carry out the action.Copy !req
680. This does not make the ribosomes happy.Copy !req
681. And poor chlorophyll is caught
in the middle of this.Copy !req
682. Chlorophyll? More like "bore-ophyll"!Copy !req
683. Right?Copy !req
684. - Jeez, a little bit stuffy in here, huh?
- Don't talk to me.Copy !req
685. - And why is that?
- Because you're a loser.Copy !req
686. .. from these ribosomes.
And chlorophyll helps the chloroplast...Copy !req
687. No, I will not make out with you!Copy !req
688. Did you hear that? This girl wants to
make out with me in the middle of class!Copy !req
689. You got "chlorophyll man" up there
talkin' about God knows what.Copy !req
690. All she's talking about is makin' out with
me. I'm here to learn, not to make out.Copy !req
691. Go on with the chlorophyll.Copy !req
692. O'Doyle rules.Copy !req
693. Thanks a lot, O'Doyle. Nice meetin' you.Copy !req
694. - Wait till they start with the wedgies.
- Yeah.Copy !req
695. You oughta start cutting your underwear
before you get to school. So it rips easier.Copy !req
696. I see. Who are you guys?Copy !req
697. The guys everybody used to pick on
before you started here.Copy !req
698. No, they ain't pickin' on me. They're givin'
me a hard time cos I'm the new guy.Copy !req
699. A little first-day hazing.Copy !req
700. - Are you in loser denial or something?
- I had a bad case of loser denial myself.Copy !req
701. Till the lacrosse team stuck
a parking cone up my ass.Copy !req
702. Loser? I ain't no loser.
I was the king of this high school.Copy !req
703. A hundred friends, a million parties...Copy !req
704. You guys are losers, not me.Copy !req
705. And that is what a prime number is.Copy !req
706. Billy!Copy !req
707. I figured I got fourth period off,
I'd shoot down and say hi.Copy !req
708. - How's high school, Billy?
- Yeah, how's high school?Copy !req
709. High school is great.
I mean, I'm learning a lot.Copy !req
710. And all the kids are treating me
very nice. It's great.Copy !req
711. Gee, I can't wait till I go to high school.Copy !req
712. Don't you say that.Copy !req
713. Don't you ever say that.Copy !req
714. Stay here.Copy !req
715. Stay as long as you can.Copy !req
716. For the love of God, cherish it.Copy !req
717. Jennifer,
why don't you read out loud?Copy !req
718. You gotta cherish it.Copy !req
719. You do.Copy !req
720. Hm.Copy !req
721. I don't understand it.Copy !req
722. I mean, ten years ago high school
was the greatest. I had so much fun.Copy !req
723. I guess a little too much fun,
since you've gotta do it again.Copy !req
724. I know. It's just that classes are so hard,
and all the kids treat me like I'm a goof.Copy !req
725. Well, you are a goof.Copy !req
726. Suck it up. Eight more weeks
and you're all set.Copy !req
727. Yeah, you're right. You're so smart.Copy !req
728. - I gotta go, OK?
- OK.Copy !req
729. Billy, wait.Copy !req
730. It doesn't feel so great
to be called a loser, does it?Copy !req
731. No.Copy !req
732. Maybe the first time
you went to high school,Copy !req
733. ..you weren't as nice to the kids
that you thought were losers.Copy !req
734. I know what you're sayin'.
You're so smart.Copy !req
735. Hello?Copy !req
736. - Hi. Is this Danny McGrath?
- Yeah.Copy !req
737. The Danny McGrath that graduated
from Knibb High School in 1984?Copy !req
738. - Uh, yeah. Who's this?
- This is Billy Madison.Copy !req
739. You probably don't remember me,
but I went to high school with you.Copy !req
740. I kinda gave you a hard time back then,Copy !req
741. .. and I did some things that
I thought were funny at the time,Copy !req
742. .. but now I realise they
were just mean and stupid.Copy !req
743. And I just wanted to apologise,
and I hope you forgive me.Copy !req
744. Yeah, sure. Don't worry about it.Copy !req
745. Wow! That's great!Copy !req
746. Well, I am sorry, and maybe
we can get together some time...Copy !req
747. .. and have coffee or somethin'.Copy !req
748. - Sure, I'd like that.
- OK. Well, I'll see you around.Copy !req
749. OK. Bye.Copy !req
750. Speak for yourself, moron.Copy !req
751. Oh, my God! That is funny!Copy !req
752. Next.: the shocking story of power
and corruption involving a hotel tycoon.Copy !req
753. How his 27-year-old millionaire son
cheated his way through school.Copy !req
754. - What the hell...?
- Now, now. Maybe it's somebody else.Copy !req
755. My name is Max Anderson,Copy !req
756. .. and I am the principal
at the Polly Fector Elementary School.Copy !req
757. Recently a young man named
Billy Madison was enrolled there.Copy !req
758. During that time
Mr Madison was disruptive.Copy !req
759. The only reason he passed was that
he offered me a bribe of $5,000,Copy !req
760. which I regrettably accepted.Copy !req
761. I'm sorry, Billy.Copy !req
762. That was Principal Anderson
of Polly Fector Elementary School.Copy !req
763. Dad! He's lyin'!Copy !req
764. You made a fool out of me.
This was a mistake from the beginning.Copy !req
765. Brian, I got some interim
forecasts for you to...Copy !req
766. - Why is everybody so glum?
- You seriously don't believe me?Copy !req
767. That's right. I seriously don't believe you.Copy !req
768. The deal's off. Eric's got the company.Copy !req
769. Wow. Good news for me.Copy !req
770. I can't believe this is happening right now.Copy !req
771. Are you gonna come to class on Monday?Copy !req
772. Wouldn't make much sense now, would it?Copy !req
773. Stupid idea in the first place.Copy !req
774. They finally found meCopy !req
775. The renegade who had it madeCopy !req
776. Retrieved for a bountyCopy !req
777. Never more to go astrayCopy !req
778. This'll be the end today
of the wanted manCopy !req
779. Better get up outta this bed!Copy !req
780. I've been years on the lam
And had a high price on my headCopy !req
781. Lawman said 'Get him dead or alive'...Copy !req
782. Yoo-hoo!Copy !req
783. Hello!Copy !req
784. Billy's here!Copy !req
785. Hey, baby!Copy !req
786. You lookin' hot tonight!Copy !req
787. - Billy, what has happened to you?
- We're gonna go on a date.Copy !req
788. You, me, Jack and Frank...Copy !req
789. .. are gonna go around puttin' shit
on people's doorsteps...Copy !req
790. .. and we're gonna set it on fire.Copy !req
791. Billy, why are you acting like this?
I know that you didn't pay off Max.Copy !req
792. Well, that makes two of us, then, baby,Copy !req
793. .. but it takes more than two to tango.
Or somethin' like that.Copy !req
794. - So let's go.
- No, let's stay.Copy !req
795. And the three of you can light dog shit
on my living-room floor.Copy !req
796. - Come on, Billy, you know that...
- Talky, talky, talky.Copy !req
797. No more talky.Copy !req
798. You got a lighter in here?Copy !req
799. Oh.Copy !req
800. I see what's goin' on in here.Copy !req
801. So sorry to interrupt!Copy !req
802. Proceed.Copy !req
803. Billy, you're losing your mind.Copy !req
804. All right, boys' night out!Copy !req
805. Let's go!Copy !req
806. Ow!Copy !req
807. I need to talk to you.Copy !req
808. Jeez!Copy !req
809. What's goin' on, man?Copy !req
810. I think Billy and his girlfriend
are playin' water polo or somethin'.Copy !req
811. Hey, maybe they're playin' Marco Polo.Copy !req
812. Marco.Copy !req
813. - Jeez, that was a great game.
- Yeah.Copy !req
814. I got an idea for you.
Instead of being an idiot every day,Copy !req
815. .. why don't you go back to school,
graduate and get the company?Copy !req
816. Cos I don't want it any more.Copy !req
817. - What do you mean, you don't want it?
- I got somethin' comin' outta my nose?Copy !req
818. I can't believe I liked someone
who could roll over and die.Copy !req
819. I ain't rollin' over and dyin'. I was set up.
And, worst of all, nobody believes me.Copy !req
820. I believe you, Billy. And I believe in you.Copy !req
821. You know, some people have no willpower,
no brains, no vision.Copy !req
822. They just drift through life
like lumps of crap.Copy !req
823. What is she talkin' about?Copy !req
824. And you have all those things.
You're just afraid to use 'em.Copy !req
825. Don't be. You say you're not a loser,
Billy Madison. So win.Copy !req
826. Yes, I will go back to schoolCopy !req
827. And achieve victoryCopy !req
828. No man will take
what my father has builtCopy !req
829. Unless that man is meCopy !req
830. My Billy, sweet Billy boyCopy !req
831. I knew you would go backCopy !req
832. No one can stop you if you tryCopy !req
833. Don't I have a nice rack?Copy !req
834. Veronica, I thank youCopy !req
835. For beating the shit out of meCopy !req
836. I see things so clearly nowCopy !req
837. I choose my destinyCopy !req
838. Oh, Billy, I knew you had it in ya.Copy !req
839. We're here to help you, BillyCopy !req
840. Get back in school to stayCopy !req
841. You gotta work real hard and stick it outCopy !req
842. Till graduation dayCopy !req
843. Hey, kids, it's meCopy !req
844. I bet you thought that I was deadCopy !req
845. But when I fell over I just broke my legCopy !req
846. And got a haemorrhage in my headCopy !req
847. There are obstacles in the wayCopy !req
848. - ~ But together we shall overcome
- ~ OvercomeCopy !req
849. Cos you can't break our spirit
and you can't kill our dreamCopy !req
850. Do you have any more gum,
more gum, more gum, more gum?Copy !req
851. Do you have any more gum?Copy !req
852. Oh. Hello, kids.Copy !req
853. Mr Anderson, is that you?Copy !req
854. Oh.Copy !req
855. Yes, actually, it is.Copy !req
856. This is just... Well, this is...Copy !req
857. Normally I don't allow children to be
in my home without parental supervision.Copy !req
858. So why don't you just run on... Oh, boy.Copy !req
859. It sure is great to have all you kids come
surprise me like this at my home, but I...Copy !req
860. Mr Anderson, Billy said the stuff
that you said didn't happen.Copy !req
861. Is he lying or are you lying?Copy !req
862. Oh, well, listen, kids.
It's not always as simple as all that.Copy !req
863. The statement I made about Billy Madison
was and is completely untrue.Copy !req
864. No.Copy !req
865. I know now that I shall
never escape my fate...Copy !req
866. - ..as the Revolting Blob.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no!Copy !req
867. It's something
I must learn to live with.Copy !req
868. Joyce?Copy !req
869. What a mess.Copy !req
870. First this psycho goes on TV,
lies, then retracts it.Copy !req
871. And now Eric's secretary is in a coma.Copy !req
872. Carl, has anybody been able to find out
anything about this Max guy?Copy !req
873. No, sir. He's vanished.
Nobody has any idea where he is.Copy !req
874. - I believed in Billy all along, sir.
- Cut the horseshit!Copy !req
875. - I know you blackmailed Max.
- Take it easy, Billy.Copy !req
876. Things were going along great until
this wrestling freak messed things up.Copy !req
877. Billy should get
another shot at high school.Copy !req
878. Hey, rules are rules. Billy was supposed to
finish each grade within the two weeks...Copy !req
879. .. or I get the company.
He didn't finish ninth grade.Copy !req
880. Eric, certainly there are
extenuating circumstances.Copy !req
881. Extenuating, exschmenuating.
We had a deal. A signed, written deal.Copy !req
882. Each grade, two weeks,
or I get the company.Copy !req
883. Well, technically you're right, but...Copy !req
884. Oh, shut up, Brian. I've had
to listen to your jawing for too long.Copy !req
885. "Well, technically..."Copy !req
886. Just shut up! Are you ready
to hand the company over to me now?Copy !req
887. - No.
- Then I'll see your ass in court.Copy !req
888. Good.Copy !req
889. Nice talkin' to ya, shitheads.Copy !req
890. Hey, Eric, how would you like
to settle this now, no lawyers?Copy !req
891. You and me, mano y mano.Copy !req
892. - What does that mean?
- What does that mean?Copy !req
893. - Carl, what does that mean?
- Uh... I don't know.Copy !req
894. It means an academic decathlon.Copy !req
895. One day, ten events, testing all the
knowledge one would gain in high school.Copy !req
896. Me versus you.Copy !req
897. - You're joking, right?
- Let's take it a little easy here, Billy.Copy !req
898. No, I'm serious. Let's do it.
Let's do it on Friday.Copy !req
899. - Let's do it.
- Is that all right with you, Daddy?Copy !req
900. Well, if you think you can beat him.Copy !req
901. Oh, I can. And I will.Copy !req
902. - It's a deal.
- I know it was you.Copy !req
903. You broke my heart.Copy !req
904. Here are the trigonometry hand-outs.Copy !req
905. Last year's physics notes.
Best I could do.Copy !req
906. Thanks a lot, fellas. You're saving my life.Copy !req
907. O'Doyle rules.Copy !req
908. O'Doyle, I got a feeling
your whole family's goin' down.Copy !req
909. But for now I gotta study.Copy !req
910. Norman invasion of England.Copy !req
911. 1066.Copy !req
912. That is correct.Copy !req
913. The Magna Carta.Copy !req
914. 1215?Copy !req
915. Yes.Copy !req
916. Spanish Armada.Copy !req
917. 1466?Copy !req
918. '67? 1469?Copy !req
919. 1514?Copy !req
920. 1981? 1986?Copy !req
921. Please do not do that. Come on, I swear...
Just hang in there one second.Copy !req
922. Please, God, give me the answer!Copy !req
923. Buenos dias.Copy !req
924. Buenas tardes.Copy !req
925. Buenas noches.Copy !req
926. Slow down.Copy !req
927. OhCopy !req
928. Spanish Armada...Copy !req
929. 1588.Copy !req
930. That is correct.Copy !req
931. Ladies and gentlemen, thanks to
a generous donation by Mr Madison...Copy !req
932. ..to the Knibb High School library, I have
been able to arrange for ten teachers...Copy !req
933. ..to administer this academic decathlon
in various courses of study.Copy !req
934. However, if there is any attempt
by either contestant to cheat,Copy !req
935. .. especially with my wife, who is a dirty,
dirty tramp, I am just gonna snap.Copy !req
936. Do I make myself clear?Copy !req
937. - Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
938. All right, then.
Let the academic decathlon begin.Copy !req
939. Second team, all-American, Harvard track.Copy !req
940. Is that right?Copy !req
941. Oh, gross! Did you see that guy's balls?Copy !req
942. Yeah, they were weird-lookin'.Copy !req
943. Whoa!Copy !req
944. He's good.Copy !req
945. To be, or not to be:Copy !req
946. that is the question:Copy !req
947. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to sufferCopy !req
948. The slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune...Copy !req
949. Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,Copy !req
950. And by opposing end them?Copy !req
951. To die: to sleep;Copy !req
952. No more.Copy !req
953. Billy!Copy !req
954. Hey, hey, hey. Who rules?Copy !req
955. O'Doyle rules!Copy !req
956. O'Doyle rules!Copy !req
957. O'Doyle rules!Copy !req
958. O'Doyle rules!Copy !req
959. O'Doyle rules!Copy !req
960. O'Doyle rules!Copy !req
961. O'Doyle rules!Copy !req
962. O'Doyle rules!Copy !req
963. Good afternoon, students.Copy !req
964. You've been invited here today
to witness the tenth and final event...Copy !req
965. ..in the competition between
Mr Eric Gordon and Mr Billy Madison.Copy !req
966. As of this moment, Mr Madison
is ahead by one point.Copy !req
967. Each competitor will select
the final category for his opponent.Copy !req
968. Mr Madison will go first.
Mr Gordon, choose the topic.Copy !req
969. English Literature.Copy !req
970. US Presidents.Copy !req
971. My Wife, the Tramp.Copy !req
972. Burning Dog Poo
and the Human Response.Copy !req
973. Reflections of Society in Literature.Copy !req
974. Reflections of Society in Literature.Copy !req
975. Good luck, schmuck.Copy !req
976. Mr Madison.Copy !req
977. The Industrial Revolution changed
the face of the modern novel for ever.Copy !req
978. Discuss, citing specific examples.Copy !req
979. Uh...Copy !req
980. Come on!Copy !req
981. OK.Copy !req
982. The Industrial Revolution, to me,
is just like a story I know...Copy !req
983. .. called The Puppy Who Lost His Way.Copy !req
984. The world was changing...Copy !req
985. .. and the puppy was getting... bigger.Copy !req
986. So, you see, the puppy was like industry,Copy !req
987. ..in that they were both
lost in the woods,Copy !req
988. .. and nobody, especially the little boy -
society - knew where to find them.Copy !req
989. Except that the puppy... was a dog.Copy !req
990. But the industry, my friends,Copy !req
991. .. that was a revolution.Copy !req
992. Knibb High football rules!Copy !req
993. Mr Madison, what you've just said...Copy !req
994. ..is one of the most insanely
idiotic things I have ever heard.Copy !req
995. At no point in your rambling,
incoherent response...Copy !req
996. .. were you even close to anything that
could be considered a rational thought.Copy !req
997. Everyone in this room is now dumber
for having listened to it.Copy !req
998. I award you no points,
and may God have mercy on your soul.Copy !req
999. OK. A simple "wrong"
would have done just fine, but...Copy !req
1000. You remain one point ahead.Copy !req
1001. Mr Gordon, it is your turn.
Mr Madison, choose the topic.Copy !req
1002. I choose Business Ethics.Copy !req
1003. Mr Gordon. The American business
environment has fundamentally changed...Copy !req
1004. .. following the insider trading
and savings and loan scandals.Copy !req
1005. Explain business ethics,
and how they are applied today.Copy !req
1006. The, uh, ethics of, uh, business...Copy !req
1007. .. can be summarised in...Copy !req
1008. Yeah, um...Copy !req
1009. See...Copy !req
1010. Ethics are, uh...Copy !req
1011. You know, the... the thing about ethics...Copy !req
1012. Aagh!Copy !req
1013. That question was not fair!
That was not in the reading.Copy !req
1014. - I demand a new question.
- Take it easy, psycho.Copy !req
1015. You blew it. You lose.Copy !req
1016. I oughta blow you away, you miserable...Copy !req
1017. Well, go ahead and do it.Copy !req
1018. Yikes!Copy !req
1019. No!Copy !req
1020. Get off me!Copy !req
1021. No!Copy !req
1022. Man, I'm glad I called that guy.Copy !req
1023. - Max, are you OK?
- Yeah. Yeah, I'm OK.Copy !req
1024. OK.Copy !req
1025. A little confused, kinda sweaty,Copy !req
1026. ..a little hungry,Copy !req
1027. .. but all in all I'm OK.Copy !req
1028. Thank you, thank you,
thank you very much. Thank you.Copy !req
1029. Well, what can I say? I graduated.
It's over. I did it.Copy !req
1030. I know most of you are sayin'
"Hey, any idiot could do that."Copy !req
1031. Well, it was tough for me, so back off!Copy !req
1032. - Sorry. Sorry about that.
- Yahoo, Billy! Billy's number one! Yahoo!Copy !req
1033. That's nice, buddy.Copy !req
1034. Yahoo!Copy !req
1035. Yahoo for school!Copy !req
1036. Yahoo for me!Copy !req
1037. Anyways, this hotel stuff
really isn't for me,Copy !req
1038. ..so I decided to step down
as chairman of Madison Hotels...Copy !req
1039. .. and give the company to Carl.Copy !req
1040. I'm gonna go to college.
I'm gonna be a teacher.Copy !req
1041. Peace! I'm outta here!Copy !req
1042. Daddy.Copy !req
1043. What can I say? I saved the day, I guess.Copy !req
1044. I mean, Eric doesn't
take over the company.Copy !req
1045. Are you sure this is what you wanna do?Copy !req
1046. I'm sure, Dad. Thanks for everything.Copy !req
1047. Max! What can I say, buddy?
You saved my life.Copy !req
1048. You don't have to say anything.
I'm so proud of you.Copy !req
1049. But I'm still horny.Copy !req
1050. All right, man. You're hurting me.Copy !req
1051. You think he's horny.Copy !req
1052. Come here.Copy !req