1. Suntan Iotion is good for meCopy !req
2. You protect me
Tee-hee-heeCopy !req
3. Oh, the sun tries to burn me,
but you won't let it.Copy !req
4. Will ya?Copy !req
5. Ultraviolet rays, bad!Copy !req
6. Lotion, good.Copy !req
7. Smiley.Copy !req
8. There's something important
I was supposed to do today.Copy !req
9. Have five daiquiris?Copy !req
10. Nah, nah.
You remembered
to do that.Copy !req
11. Man, why did I have
so many drinks?
I can't remember.Copy !req
12. What's today?Copy !req
13. October?Copy !req
14. It's nudie magazine day!Copy !req
15. Yeah!Copy !req
16. Watch out! Watch out!Copy !req
17. Ooh, you're a quick one.Copy !req
18. Nudie magazine day!
Nudie magazine day!Copy !req
19. Nudie magazine day!
Nudie magazine day!Copy !req
20. Nudie...Copy !req
21. Holy geez!Copy !req
22. Lookie what
we got here.Copy !req
23. That silly penguin
is back again.Copy !req
24. No, Mr. Madison.
There're no penguin.Copy !req
25. You got too much sun today.
There're no penguin!Copy !req
26. It's too damn hot
for a penguin to be
just walking around here.Copy !req
27. I've gotta send him
back to the South Pole.Copy !req
28. No! No!Copy !req
29. Penguin!Copy !req
30. Don't you dare run away!Copy !req
31. Hey, come here, Mr. Penguin!Copy !req
32. I'm one of the good guys.Copy !req
33. Don't run. Oh.Copy !req
34. Don't... run.Copy !req
35. Don't run from me!Copy !req
36. Penguin!Copy !req
37. You're a fast penguin.Copy !req
38. Whee-hee!Copy !req
39. Call the zoo!Copy !req
40. All the people at the zoo
are very nice, penguin.Copy !req
41. They'll treat you
real respectable-like.Copy !req
42. There's nothing
to worry about, big fella.Copy !req
43. Here I come!Copy !req
44. Right this way, gentlemen.
Mr. Madison is expecting you.Copy !req
45. Shall we?Copy !req
46. Leg.Copy !req
47. Billy! You know you shouldn't
be pulling that crapCopy !req
48. in front of your father's
business associates.Copy !req
49. You get yourself upstairs
and get ready!Copy !req
50. Dinner's
in 15 minutes!Copy !req
51. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
52. Don't "yeah, yeah" me, boy.
This is
a very important dinner.Copy !req
53. You best be there.Copy !req
54. I will.Copy !req
55. Thank you, Juanita.Copy !req
56. You gotta dress up
and look nice, too.Copy !req
57. Oh, that boy's a fine
piece of work, all right!Copy !req
58. He's a fine piece of ass,
though, too.Copy !req
59. Where the hell is he?
I'm starvin'!Copy !req
60. I ate some Triscuit crackers
in the car.Copy !req
61. You should've had some.Copy !req
62. Well, maybe
if you'd told meCopy !req
63. there were delicious
Triscuit crackers, I could
have enjoyed them with you.Copy !req
64. I'm sorry.Copy !req
65. Well, sorry doesn't put
the Triscuit crackers
in my stomach.Copy !req
66. Does it, Carl?Copy !req
67. Gentlemen.Copy !req
68. I'm sorry to have
kept you waiting.Copy !req
69. Have you all met?Copy !req
70. Eric Gordon,
my executive vice president.Copy !req
71. And our operations manager,
Carl Alphonse.Copy !req
72. Sit down, gentlemen.
Sit down.Copy !req
73. Beautiful table.Copy !req
74. Good seeing you, sir.Copy !req
75. Where's Billy?Copy !req
76. Juanita said he'd be down
in a few minutes.Copy !req
77. I'm sure you'll all
be very impressed.Copy !req
78. Shampoo is better!Copy !req
79. I go on first
and clean the hair.Copy !req
80. Conditioner is better.Copy !req
81. I leave the hair
silky and smooth.Copy !req
82. Oh, really, fool?
Really!Copy !req
83. Stop looking at me, swan!Copy !req
84. Carl, what's up?Copy !req
85. Nothing much, Billy.Copy !req
86. I see you got
a little sun today.Copy !req
87. You think so?
I fell asleep by the pool
for a few hours.Copy !req
88. Did you fall asleep,
or did you pass out?Copy !req
89. Shut up!Copy !req
90. That's enough, Billy.Copy !req
91. Because you took
your own sweet-ass time
coming down here tonight,Copy !req
92. these gentlemen
are going to miss
their last flights home.Copy !req
93. This guy can stay in my room,
I'll tell you that much.Copy !req
94. Billy, eat your soup.Copy !req
95. It's good soup.Copy !req
96. Well, gentlemen,Copy !req
97. I can't thank you enough for
coming out here this evening.Copy !req
98. Please, Billy.
No gibberish tonight.
Please, I beg you.Copy !req
99. Sorry, Daddy.Copy !req
100. This is a big night
for me tonight.Copy !req
101. I have an important
announcement to make.Copy !req
102. That's it, Billy.
Get the hell out of here!Copy !req
103. Nice talking to you, Billy.Copy !req
104. All right.
One, two, three!Copy !req
105. Hey, Billy, how come
you ain't pounding
any tonight?Copy !req
106. I don't know.
My dad was yelling at me.Copy !req
107. I'm just not in the mood.Copy !req
108. Hey, Billy, who would you
rather bone,Copy !req
109. Meg Ryan
or Jack Nicholson?Copy !req
110. Jack Nicholson now
or 1974?Copy !req
111. '74.Copy !req
112. Meg Ryan.Copy !req
113. Go! Go!
Go, go, go!Copy !req
114. Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!Copy !req
115. Oh, my God!
I am the winner.Copy !req
116. Billy is not an idiot.Copy !req
117. I'm not saying he's an idiot.
I just think he might not beCopy !req
118. mature enough to run
a Fortune 500 company.Copy !req
119. My late wife, Emily, and l
started this companyCopy !req
120. with a 15-unit motel
in Patchogue, Long lsland.Copy !req
121. We built it
into 650 hotels.Copy !req
122. Our dream was to one day
turn it over
to our only son, Billy.Copy !req
123. Carl, how many people
work for Madison?Copy !req
124. 61,000 and change.Copy !req
125. How long are those people
gonna have jobs once BillyCopy !req
126. has the hotel operators
speaking gibberish?Copy !req
127. Oh, Billy, Billy boy!Copy !req
128. When are you gonna find
whatever it is
you're looking for?Copy !req
129. Here's a nice piece of shit.Copy !req
130. Gaw! Eew!Copy !req
131. Oh.Copy !req
132. My, oh, my! Wait till
old man Clemens
realizes it's a bag of shit!Copy !req
133. He gonna shit
when he realizes
it's shit!Copy !req
134. Who got the lighter?Copy !req
135. Light it!Copy !req
136. Come on, Billy.Copy !req
137. Oh, my God!
Old man Clemens hates shit!Copy !req
138. Here he comes!Copy !req
139. Who the hell is it?
What do you want?Copy !req
140. Judas Priest!
It's one of those
flaming bags again!Copy !req
141. Don't put it out
with your boots, Ted!Copy !req
142. Don't tell me my business,
devil woman!Copy !req
143. Call the fire department!
This one's out of control.Copy !req
144. Yuck! Poop again!Copy !req
145. He called the shit "poop!"Copy !req
146. This is the best night
of my life.Copy !req
147. I'll get you
damn kids for this.
You're all gonna die!Copy !req
148. Billy, could you
step in here for a moment?Copy !req
149. I have big news.Copy !req
150. Eric is pregnant!
Congratulations!Copy !req
151. Feel those kicks.
He's gonna be
a soccer player.Copy !req
152. He is. He is.Copy !req
153. All right, what's up?Copy !req
154. I've had to face
some hard truths
tonight, Billy.Copy !req
155. Dad? Do we have to do this
with Captain Dipshit here?Copy !req
156. You were brought up
with every advantage.Copy !req
157. I bought you everything,Copy !req
158. toys, cars,
vacations, clothes.Copy !req
159. Actually, I stole
this shirt from Frank.Copy !req
160. Yeah, well, whatever.
It's all my fault.Copy !req
161. I made a mistake.
See...Copy !req
162. Are you some damned moron?
Can't you just stop
for two seconds?Copy !req
163. I'm trying to tell you
that I'm retiring,Copy !req
164. and Eric, not you, is going
to take over Madison Hotels.Copy !req
165. Eric?Copy !req
166. You're gonna give the company
to Eric? He is a bad, bad man.Copy !req
167. What do you care, Billy?
What do you care who I appoint
to run the company, huh?Copy !req
168. I mean, I'm doing you
a favor.Copy !req
169. You don't ever have to
look for a job.Copy !req
170. Yeah. Now you can sit around
here all day goofing off,Copy !req
171. sipping drinks,
chasing invisible penguins.Copy !req
172. Is that it, Dad?
Did the penguin
tell you to do this?Copy !req
173. Penguin?Copy !req
174. What an idiot!Copy !req
175. You know, I could help Billy
until he gets the hang of it.Copy !req
176. I think Crazy Carl is right.Copy !req
177. I mean, I can do this
if I set my mind to it!Copy !req
178. High school was
a pain in the ass,
but I graduated.Copy !req
179. You graduated because
I paid your teachers
to give you decent grades.Copy !req
180. I've regretted it
every day since.
I thought at the timeCopy !req
181. that if you could get
good grades, you might
get into a good collegeCopy !req
182. and straighten yourself out.Copy !req
183. I don't believe that.Copy !req
184. What do you believe?Copy !req
185. That you were
an honor student?Copy !req
186. How could l
hand over my companyCopy !req
187. to someone who couldn't even
get through school on his own?Copy !req
188. I don't know.Copy !req
189. Don't think about it.
Just hand it over.Copy !req
190. Forget it!Copy !req
191. Well, listen.
Don't you think
you better go up to bed, hmm?Copy !req
192. Big day tomorrow.
A day filled withCopy !req
193. daiquiris, Nintendos
and jack-off magazines.Copy !req
194. Dad!Copy !req
195. Yeah, what?Copy !req
196. Give me one more chance.
I'll prove I can take over.Copy !req
197. I'll do anything it takes.
I'll go back to high school
and take the exams again.Copy !req
198. And I'll get my diploma
all by myself.Copy !req
199. Billy, it wasn't just
high school!Copy !req
200. Remember that spelling bee
you won in the first grade?Copy !req
201. Oh, no, you didn't!Copy !req
202. Rock. R-O-K.Copy !req
203. Yeah.
So what's your point?Copy !req
204. R-O-C-K!Copy !req
205. The "C" is silent.Copy !req
206. Okay. All right.Copy !req
207. All right, you got it.Copy !req
208. First grade
through twelfth grade,
all over again.Copy !req
209. I'll do each grade
in two weeks.Copy !req
210. Take the test,
re-graduate,Copy !req
211. prove to you I'm not an idiot,
and then I get to take over
Madison Hotels.Copy !req
212. That's some idea.Copy !req
213. You just think of that?
Yeah, I did.Copy !req
214. It's pretty good, huh?Copy !req
215. Brian, don't you think
the future of Madison Hotels
and its 61,000 employeesCopy !req
216. is too important to gamble
on a game like this?Copy !req
217. No.Copy !req
218. You're on.
Carl, you make
the arrangements.Copy !req
219. You pass every grade
before June 15,Copy !req
220. and you take over
instead of Eric.Copy !req
221. Have a nice weekend, Son.Copy !req
222. You start school on Monday.Copy !req
223. Oh!Copy !req
224. Give 'em hell, Bill.Copy !req
225. Nice try, ass wipe,
but you're just
delaying the inevitable.Copy !req
226. Where's my Snack Pack?Copy !req
227. You've got a banana.
You don't need no Snack Pack.Copy !req
228. You know I like Snack Pack.
Why can't you just give me
a Snack Pack?Copy !req
229. I thought I was
your Snack Pack.Copy !req
230. What are you
talking about?Copy !req
231. Nothing.Copy !req
232. Bill, you're gonna
miss the bus!Copy !req
233. Yeah, you better get
your beautiful buns
up that driveway.Copy !req
234. What a weirdo!Copy !req
235. Oh, back to school
Back to schoolCopy !req
236. To prove to Dad
that I'm not a foolCopy !req
237. I got my lunch packed upCopy !req
238. My boots tied tightCopy !req
239. I hope I don't get in a fightCopy !req
240. Oh, back to school
Back to schoolCopy !req
241. Back to schoolCopy !req
242. Well, here goes nothing.Copy !req
243. Thank you, Daddy.Copy !req
244. Come on. Hurry up.
We're gonna be late!Copy !req
245. Hi. How ya doing?Copy !req
246. Fine.Copy !req
247. Are you going to class
today too?Copy !req
248. I'll be going to class
to teach. How about you?Copy !req
249. I'll be going to learn.Copy !req
250. Uh, you must be
Billy Madison.Copy !req
251. Yes, I am.Copy !req
252. Don't you think it's pathetic
that just because of
who your father is,Copy !req
253. you get to come
do school all over again?Copy !req
254. Yes, I do.Copy !req
255. Well, as long as you know.Copy !req
256. Well, all right!Copy !req
257. Wait up!Copy !req
258. Hey, mister, guess
what I had for breakfast.Copy !req
259. What?Copy !req
260. Beans!Copy !req
261. Scotty likes beans.
Don't you, Scotty?Copy !req
262. Hi. How you doing?Copy !req
263. Let's involve the class.Copy !req
264. Quiet down,
my special people.Copy !req
265. I want you all to meet
our new friend Billy.Copy !req
266. Can everyone say hello
to Billy?Copy !req
267. Hello, Billy.Copy !req
268. Hi.Copy !req
269. Billy is going to be sharing
our fun and learning
for the next two weeks.Copy !req
270. Billy is special,Copy !req
271. just like
each and every one of you.Copy !req
272. And what do we do
to our special people?Copy !req
273. I wanna hug.Copy !req
274. Hi.Copy !req
275. Yeah, I wanna hug,
too, please.Copy !req
276. All right.
All right!Copy !req
277. Billy, why don't you take
a seat right up front?Copy !req
278. And we can start... story time!Copy !req
279. You've got
a misshaped head.Copy !req
280. Thank you.Copy !req
281. The Puppy Who Lost His Way,
by Chrissy Taylor.Copy !req
282. "One fine morning,Copy !req
283. "a puppy popped his puppy pawsCopy !req
284. "out of his puppy house.Copy !req
285. "This was no ordinary puppy.Copy !req
286. "This puppy was
the happiest puppy
in the whole world.Copy !req
287. "In fact, his name was Happy.Copy !req
288. "Happy looked through
the bushes...Copy !req
289. "'I'll never let you get lost
again,' cried the little boy,Copy !req
290. "who was so happyCopy !req
291. "that he gave Happy a kissCopy !req
292. "on his wet little puppy nose.Copy !req
293. "The end."Copy !req
294. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Miss Lippy,Copy !req
295. the part of the story
I don't likeCopy !req
296. is that the little boy
gave up looking for Happy
after an hour.Copy !req
297. He didn't put posters up
or anything.Copy !req
298. He just sat on the porch
like a goon and waited.Copy !req
299. That little boy's gotta think,Copy !req
300. you got a pet,
you got a responsibility.Copy !req
301. if your dog is lost,
you don't look for an hour
then call it quits.Copy !req
302. You get your ass out there,
and you find that fucking dog!Copy !req
303. I think it's time
to play dodge ball.Copy !req
304. You're out!
O'Doyle rules!Copy !req
305. Billy, what are you
doing back?Copy !req
306. I'm out.Copy !req
307. Well,Copy !req
308. that just means you
stay off to the side
until a new game starts.Copy !req
309. That's okay.
I'm tired anyways.Copy !req
310. I'll just sit here
and color or something.Copy !req
311. Billy, dodge ball time
is a special time.Copy !req
312. Not just for you
boys and girls
but for Miss Lippy too.Copy !req
313. So stay outside.Copy !req
314. Whoa!Copy !req
315. Wow!Copy !req
316. Now you're all
in big, big trouble.Copy !req
317. You're out! Oh, yeah!Copy !req
318. Lunchtime!Copy !req
319. I bet that Snack Pack's
pretty good.Copy !req
320. Wanna trade me the rest of it
for this banana?Copy !req
321. You know how badly
I can beat you, right?Copy !req
322. Mortal Kombat on Sega Genesis
is the best video game ever.Copy !req
323. I disagree.
It's a very good game,Copy !req
324. but I think Donkey Kong
is the best game ever.Copy !req
325. Donkey Kong sucks!Copy !req
326. You know somethin'?
You suck!Copy !req
327. Ooh!
Hey!Copy !req
328. That's very nice of you to
pick up your little brother
here at school.Copy !req
329. He's not my brother.
He's my son.Copy !req
330. You gotta be kidding me.Copy !req
331. Mom, that's Billy.
He's in my class.Copy !req
332. I heard he's retarded
or something.Copy !req
333. Your son's got
a very creative mind.Copy !req
334. Maybe someday
he'll make Mommy and Daddy
a lot of money.Copy !req
335. Daddy's in prison,
and he won't be home
for a long time.Copy !req
336. My dear Lord! Yeah!Copy !req
337. Well, I gotta get going now.
I gotta get on the bus.Copy !req
338. I ride the bus for the city
and watch the bus drivers.Copy !req
339. Kind of this program
they've got to make sure...Copy !req
340. Billy! Billy,
you forgot your stuff.Copy !req
341. Come on, honey.Copy !req
342. Thank you very much,
Miss Lippy!Copy !req
343. Yes?
Brian Madison for you.Copy !req
344. Tell him I'm out to lunch.Copy !req
345. Billy Madison.Copy !req
346. A buffoon... and yet,Copy !req
347. a threat to
my eventual takeover
of this company.Copy !req
348. A menace. And what do we
do with a menace?Copy !req
349. We eliminate it.Copy !req
350. We eliminate Billy Madison.Copy !req
351. Tricia Labonte.Copy !req
352. Here.Copy !req
353. Scotty Logan.Copy !req
354. Here.Copy !req
355. Billy Madison.Copy !req
356. Hmm.Copy !req
357. Hey!Copy !req
358. Look at all this milk.Copy !req
359. You want
some of this milk?Copy !req
360. That milk
belongs to that classroom.Copy !req
361. Oh, they don't gots to
know about it.
It could be our milk.Copy !req
362. No milk will ever be
our milk.Copy !req
363. That wasn't very nice.Copy !req
364. How 'bout you, sideburns?
You want some of this milk?Copy !req
365. I'd rather have a beer.Copy !req
366. I drew the duck blue
because I've never seen
a blue duck before.Copy !req
367. And to be honest with you,
I wanted to see a blue duck.Copy !req
368. Well, it's
an excellent blue duck.Copy !req
369. Congratulations.Copy !req
370. You just passed
the first grade.Copy !req
371. Oh, Miss Lippy!
That's so great!Copy !req
372. What do you think of that,
Mr. Blue Duck?Copy !req
373. That's quack-tastic!
Quack, quack, quack.Copy !req
374. Candy!Copy !req
375. Wow! Look at all that candy!Copy !req
376. Rolex!Copy !req
377. Thanks for the watch,
Billy.Copy !req
378. You're welcome,
buddy.Copy !req
379. Well, this is great.
When I graduated first grade,Copy !req
380. all my father did
was tell me to get a job.Copy !req
381. Hey, you wanna feed
that donkey some beer?Copy !req
382. Get it all messed up?Copy !req
383. Maybe later.Copy !req
384. I'll go put
some beer in a bucket.Copy !req
385. Okay.Copy !req
386. Hey, there, Mr. Graduate.
How's it going?Copy !req
387. Go!Copy !req
388. Come on, kid.
Get up! Get up!Copy !req
389. You're humiliating yourself!
Get up!Copy !req
390. Whoa! Whoa!Copy !req
391. Whoa! Whoa-oa-oa!Copy !req
392. That's funny.Copy !req
393. Oh, my.Copy !req
394. So he's passed first grade,
and he's moved on to second.Copy !req
395. Whoop-tee-do!Copy !req
396. Any more information, Rollo?Copy !req
397. Billy likes
to drink soda.Copy !req
398. Miss Lippy's car is green.Copy !req
399. And now we have
just two students left.Copy !req
400. Bath.Copy !req
401. B-A-T-H. Bath.Copy !req
402. Correct!Copy !req
403. Bath. That's a little easy.Copy !req
404. Why don't you just
give her the trophy?Copy !req
405. Cheese.Copy !req
406. C-H-E-E-S-E.Copy !req
407. Cheese.Copy !req
408. Correct.Copy !req
409. Couch.Copy !req
410. C-Copy !req
411. O-W...Copy !req
412. No!Copy !req
413. No, I'm sorry.
That's not right.Copy !req
414. Well, Billy, if you
spell this correctly,
you pass second grade.Copy !req
415. Couch. C...Copy !req
416. Cow. Cow.Copy !req
417. C-O-R...Copy !req
418. Are you going
to the mall later?
That's what I'm asking.Copy !req
419. No, I am not going
to the mall.
Keep spelling, mister.Copy !req
420. C-O-U-C-H.Copy !req
421. Correct!Copy !req
422. I am the smartest man alive!Copy !req
423. He gonna have a stupid party
every time he passes a grade?Copy !req
424. Everybody's having
a good time but you.Copy !req
425. Spoiled snot!
Get outta here.Copy !req
426. Let me ask you
something, Carl.Copy !req
427. You started here,
what, 25 years ago?Copy !req
428. Night bellboy
at the Philadelphia Madison?Copy !req
429. After all your hard work,
how would you feelCopy !req
430. working for some
punk kid like Billy?Copy !req
431. Could be worse.Copy !req
432. That's nice.Copy !req
433. Man,
I'm so nervous.Copy !req
434. First and second grade
were easy,
but social studies, division.Copy !req
435. This is gonna be tough!Copy !req
436. Man, I'm so nervous.Copy !req
437. First and second grade
were easy,
but social studies, division.Copy !req
438. This is gonna be tough!Copy !req
439. Relax, dude.Copy !req
440. Jackpot!Copy !req
441. Good morning, class.Copy !req
442. Good morning, Miss Vaughn.Copy !req
443. We're gonna start today
by reading togetherCopy !req
444. a short story entitled,
"My Sister, Fanny."Copy !req
445. Quiet!Copy !req
446. Let's all open up
our Reading ls Fun booksCopy !req
447. to page 69.Copy !req
448. Sixty-nine!Copy !req
449. Class, say hello
to Billy Madison.Copy !req
450. Hello, Billy Madison.Copy !req
451. Billy is a nuisance.
He will be gone in two weeks.Copy !req
452. I apologize for
this inconvenience.Copy !req
453. Geez, what's up her butt?Copy !req
454. What was that, Billy?Copy !req
455. I said,
"Reading is good."Copy !req
456. Can we start the story now?Copy !req
457. Dan, you may begin.Copy !req
458. "OnceCopy !req
459. "there wasCopy !req
460. "a girlCopy !req
461. "who wanted to..."Copy !req
462. Kid can't even read.Copy !req
463. Cut it out, dude.
You're gonna
get us in trouble.Copy !req
464. "... fly an..."Copy !req
465. Today, junior!Copy !req
466. You're tearing
my ear off!Copy !req
467. Making fun of a little kid
for trying to read!Copy !req
468. Are you psycho?
Do you not have a soul?Copy !req
469. I'm sorry, I can't hear you.
I've been physically abused
in the ear.Copy !req
470. You keep your mouth shut
for the next two weeks,
or I'm gonna fail you.Copy !req
471. End of story.Copy !req
472. I see
your lips moving,Copy !req
473. but I can't make out
the words. I'm deaf!Copy !req
474. Oh, Veronica Vaughn!Copy !req
475. So hot.
Want to touch the heinie.Copy !req
476. You know that girlie
I've been chasing?Copy !req
477. Turns out she's
my third grade teacher.Copy !req
478. First thing she does is
kick me out of her class.Copy !req
479. Maybe she feels
she has to make
an example of you.Copy !req
480. Or maybe she's got
something up her ass.Copy !req
481. That's what I said.Copy !req
482. Poor Billy.Copy !req
483. I'm so depressed.Copy !req
484. You want me
to take my shirt off for you?Copy !req
485. No, thank you.
Okay, baby.Copy !req
486. But remember,
the offer is on the table.Copy !req
487. Oh, yes!Copy !req
488. Oh, my!Copy !req
489. Oh, God, yes. Lordy.Copy !req
490. Billy Madison!Copy !req
491. Huh?Copy !req
492. Would you like to try writing
some words in cursive
on the blackboard today?Copy !req
493. Okay. Sure.Copy !req
494. Okay. How about
the word "dugout"?Copy !req
495. Good. How about "bunt"?Copy !req
496. Bunt. B-U-N-T.Copy !req
497. In perfect cursive.
Any more brain-busters?Copy !req
498. "Rizzuto."Copy !req
499. "Z."Copy !req
500. "Rirruto"?Copy !req
501. Those are "Z's."Copy !req
502. They look like "R's" to me.Copy !req
503. That's not fair.
"Rizzuto" is not a word!Copy !req
504. He's a baseball player!
You're cheating!Copy !req
505. Would you like to try
the word "buzz"?Copy !req
506. I hate cursive,
and I hate all of you!Copy !req
507. I'm never coming back
to school! Never!Copy !req
508. Billy!Copy !req
509. I swear to God I'm sick.
I can't go to school.Copy !req
510. if you're gonna stay home
today, you can help me
shave my armpits.Copy !req
511. Oh, my God! I'll go to school.Copy !req
512. O'Doyle rules!Copy !req
513. What's going on?Copy !req
514. Miss Vaughn's sick.Copy !req
515. Please take your seats.Copy !req
516. Who's that guy?Copy !req
517. Principal Anderson.Copy !req
518. Quiet, everyone!Copy !req
519. As you can tell,
Miss Vaughn
is not feeling well today.Copy !req
520. So I'll be taking her place.Copy !req
521. But don't get your hopes up,
because I plan on teaching.Copy !req
522. So I hope you
plan on learning.Copy !req
523. Now, who can tell me
where we are
in our social studies reader?Copy !req
524. Yes? Michael?Copy !req
525. Excuse me.
What's that in your hand?Copy !req
526. Bring that note up to me.Copy !req
527. Now let's see
what couldn't wait
till after class.Copy !req
528. "We're so lucky to have
Principal Anderson
substituting.Copy !req
529. "Now we have the privilege
of staring at that tub of lard
all day long.Copy !req
530. "if I were him, I would walk
my fat ass right into
oncoming traffic."Copy !req
531. Oh, man, Billy.Copy !req
532. I just thought of
the funniest thing.Copy !req
533. Billy?Copy !req
534. Where's Billy?Copy !req
535. He's in school, man.Copy !req
536. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
537. You know, I don't wanna sound
like a weirdo,Copy !req
538. but I kinda missed
Miss Vaughn today.Copy !req
539. Why? Do you like her
or something?Copy !req
540. No!Copy !req
541. Why? She say
she likes me?Copy !req
542. Not to me.Copy !req
543. Well, let's find out.Copy !req
544. Hello.Copy !req
545. Is this Miss Vaughn?Copy !req
546. Oh, hi.
It's Ernie from class.Copy !req
547. Ask her if she
has a boyfriend.Copy !req
548. Miss Vaughn,
do you have a boyfriend?Copy !req
549. No.Copy !req
550. Ask her...
Shh!Copy !req
551. Ask her
if she likes anybodyCopy !req
552. from class
like more than a friend.Copy !req
553. Miss Vaughn,
do you like anybody in classCopy !req
554. more than a friend?Copy !req
555. No.Copy !req
556. Ask her if she would ever
go out with somebody
from class.Copy !req
557. No!
Just do it!Copy !req
558. Miss Vaughn, would youCopy !req
559. ever go out with
anybody from class?Copy !req
560. Uh-huh.Copy !req
561. You see, Ernie,
grown-ups like to go out
with other grown-ups.Copy !req
562. What about Billy?Copy !req
563. You're more of a grown-up
than Billy.Copy !req
564. I'll give you a grown-up!Copy !req
565. What was that, Ernie?Copy !req
566. Nothing. See you tomorrow
in class, Miss Vaughn.Copy !req
567. You blew it!Copy !req
568. Hey, I dare you
to throw your sandwich
at the bus driver.Copy !req
569. Do it! Come on!Copy !req
570. Hey!Copy !req
571. Who threw that?Copy !req
572. I'll turn
this damn bus around.Copy !req
573. That'll end your
precious little field trip
pretty damn quick, huh?Copy !req
574. Little shit.Copy !req
575. I'm trying to score points
with the teacher today.
Don't screw it up!Copy !req
576. I dare you
to touch her boobs.Copy !req
577. Touch her boobs?Copy !req
578. That's assault, brother.Copy !req
579. Do you double dare me?Copy !req
580. Miss Vaughn, how long till we
get there? I have to go
to the bathroom.Copy !req
581. Probably about
10 minutes.Copy !req
582. Sorry about that.Copy !req
583. Damn guy drives
like an animal.Copy !req
584. Huh?Copy !req
585. That's all right, Billy.
Why don't you go back
and sit down now?Copy !req
586. Okay.
I double dare you.Copy !req
587. That... l...
Accident.Copy !req
588. Mistake. Tit.Copy !req
589. Go sit down.
Yes.Copy !req
590. Yeah. Here we go again.
Another treat from the road.Copy !req
591. Grand! Great banana.
Trick of the day.Copy !req
592. What is
a horseshoe?Copy !req
593. What does
a horseshoe do?Copy !req
594. Are there
any horse socks?Copy !req
595. ls anybody listening to me?Copy !req
596. Anyways, Miss Vaughn,
I am sorry about
what happened back there,Copy !req
597. but you have to admit
I've been trying
to be good lately.Copy !req
598. You're not the first person
that's tried to grab my chest.Copy !req
599. I'm really trying
not to hold you
to a higher standardCopy !req
600. than the rest of the students.Copy !req
601. Although maybe I should.
You are what, 50?Copy !req
602. No. It's just that
the other kids
kind of look up to me.Copy !req
603. I don't want them
to think I'm a coward.Copy !req
604. Don't worry about it.Copy !req
605. Next week you'll have
another bunch of kids
to impressCopy !req
606. and another teacher to annoy.Copy !req
607. I don't want to annoy
another teacher, Miss Vaughn.Copy !req
608. I want to annoy you.
Miss Vaughn!Copy !req
609. Miss Vaughn!
Miss Vaughn!Copy !req
610. Somebody stole
all our lunches.Copy !req
611. Who would steal
30 bag lunches?Copy !req
612. I'll tell you
who took those lunches.Copy !req
613. That damn Sasquatch.Copy !req
614. Well, I guess that's it.Copy !req
615. Okay, everybody.
Back on the bus!Copy !req
616. What's with Ernie?Copy !req
617. I don't know.
I'll be right back.Copy !req
618. Hey, Ernie!
What's up?Copy !req
619. Nothing.Copy !req
620. You falling in love
with the wall or something?Copy !req
621. I had an accident.Copy !req
622. You had an accident?
What does that mean?Copy !req
623. Gooo!Copy !req
624. Oh, I know. Okay.Copy !req
625. Don't worry, buddy.
Hang tight.
I'll be right back.Copy !req
626. Hey, look, everybody.
Billy peed his pants.Copy !req
627. Of course
I peed my pants!Copy !req
628. Everybody my age
pees their pants.
It's the coolest.Copy !req
629. Really?
Yes!Copy !req
630. You ain't cool
unless you pee your pants.Copy !req
631. Wow! Hey, man!
Ernie peed his pants too.Copy !req
632. All right!Copy !req
633. Cool!Copy !req
634. if peeing your pants is cool,
consider me Miles Davis.Copy !req
635. That was the grossest thing
I've ever heard in my life!Copy !req
636. Let's go!Copy !req
637. Let's get on
the bus here.Copy !req
638. Move it! Get up there.
Dial 1257.Copy !req
639. Move it or lose it!
Get on the...Copy !req
640. Hi, Miss Vaughn.
Nice to see ya.Copy !req
641. That Veronica VaughnCopy !req
642. is one piece of "ace."Copy !req
643. I know
from experience, dude,Copy !req
644. if you know what I mean.Copy !req
645. No, you don't.Copy !req
646. Well, not me personally,
but a guy I know.Copy !req
647. Him and her got it on!Copy !req
648. No, they didn't.Copy !req
649. No, no, no. They didn't.Copy !req
650. But you could imagine
what it'd be like
if they did, right?Copy !req
651. Huh? Huh?Copy !req
652. Everybody on?
Good! Great!Copy !req
653. Grand! Wonderful!Copy !req
654. No yelling on the bus!Copy !req
655. Billy passed the third gradeCopy !req
656. Oh, what a glorious dayCopy !req
657. Oh, passing third gradeCopy !req
658. The Billy Madison wayCopy !req
659. Yeah!Copy !req
660. Rock on! Yes!Copy !req
661. Stop it.Copy !req
662. Who are you?Copy !req
663. I don't even know you.
Go away, mister.Copy !req
664. Are you okay?Copy !req
665. Yeah.Copy !req
666. Look, she came!Copy !req
667. And she came too.Copy !req
668. The mucus queen
is yours.Copy !req
669. Thanks.Copy !req
670. Hi!Copy !req
671. Oh, my gosh!
Aw, man.Copy !req
672. Oh! Oh, my God!Copy !req
673. Snack Pack!
You're the coolest!Copy !req
674. Those should last you
through the weekend.Copy !req
675. Thank you very much.Copy !req
676. Looks like Billy
is on the right track now.Copy !req
677. He's on track,
all right.Copy !req
678. He's headed
right down the...Copy !req
679. Easy.Copy !req
680. So you still don't think
Billy's gonna make it?Copy !req
681. Trust me, Carl baby.
I know he's not gonna make it.Copy !req
682. Will you excuse me
for a second?Copy !req
683. Who will help me
destroy Billy Madison?Copy !req
684. Who?Copy !req
685. Cha-cha-cha-cha
Cha-cha-cha-chaCopy !req
686. Cha-cha-cha-cha
Cha-cha-cha-chaCopy !req
687. That was really sweet,
the way you helped
Ernie out yesterday.Copy !req
688. He would've done
the same for me.Copy !req
689. So what's it like
being back in school?Copy !req
690. I don't know.
I kinda feel like
an idiot sometimes.Copy !req
691. Although I am an idiot,
so it kinda works out.Copy !req
692. Is it just you
and your dad in here?Copy !req
693. Well, actually, no.Copy !req
694. There's Juanita and some maids
and butlers and stuff.Copy !req
695. And people who work
for my dad are
always stopping by.Copy !req
696. Then my friends are always
sleeping over, even when
I didn't ask them to.Copy !req
697. Sounds like a hotel.Copy !req
698. Yeah, it kinda is.
It can be distracting.Copy !req
699. That's why
I moved out here.Copy !req
700. I'm faster than you.
You're way slower!Copy !req
701. Oh, wow.Copy !req
702. This is where
I've been spending
most of my time lately.Copy !req
703. Not exactly roughing it,
are you?Copy !req
704. Those are...
They come with the tent.Copy !req
705. So...
I see.Copy !req
706. Wow. A Tale of Two Cities.Copy !req
707. I don't think
we're up to that one yet.Copy !req
708. I can understand
nine words in that book now.Copy !req
709. So, it'sCopy !req
710. the last day
of third grade.Copy !req
711. And you have the teacher
alone in your tent.Copy !req
712. What do you
want to do?Copy !req
713. Well, I can think of
three things I'd like to do.Copy !req
714. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
715. One would involve
some ice cubesCopy !req
716. and a nine iron.Copy !req
717. Two would include a buffalo.
Really?Copy !req
718. Live or stuffed,
preferably stuffedCopy !req
719. for safety's sake.Copy !req
720. We'd bring back
some of those ice cubes.Copy !req
721. Switch it over
to a pitching wedge.Copy !req
722. How you guys doing?Copy !req
723. Hey, Carl!
Good to see you!Copy !req
724. This is Veronica,
my teacher.Copy !req
725. That's Carl.Copy !req
726. Very pleased
to meet you.Copy !req
727. Bill, I think Eric
is up to something.Copy !req
728. Who's Eric?Copy !req
729. He works
for my dad too.Copy !req
730. He gets the company
if I screw up.
He's a douche bag.Copy !req
731. He made some menacing comments
to me earlier today,Copy !req
732. then he did
that weasel laugh he does.Copy !req
733. Yeah. How's
that laugh go again?Copy !req
734. You know.Copy !req
735. That's very good.
That sounded just like him.Copy !req
736. Thanks. Well, I'm sure
he's got something
up his sleeve.Copy !req
737. Thanks, buddy.
No problem.Copy !req
738. The most densely populated
part of the United StatesCopy !req
739. is along the eastern seaboard.Copy !req
740. We're gonna talk about
why that is
over the next few minutes.Copy !req
741. We all know what a census is,
don't we?
That's like taking attendance.Copy !req
742. Now the first census
of the United States...Copy !req
743. Take it on! Pick it up
and give it the old... Yeah!Copy !req
744. You want some of this?Copy !req
745. Oh, my dear Lord!Copy !req
746. You never leave me open, son,
'cause I'm gonna
hit it every time.Copy !req
747. You want some more of that?
I didn't think so!Copy !req
748. A, B, C,Copy !req
749. D, E, F, G...Copy !req
750. All right, stop
before I throw up.Copy !req
751. You wanna go play soccer
with us after school?Copy !req
752. No. I got a test on Friday.
I'll play with you guys
next week.Copy !req
753. Next week you'll be
in ninth grade.Copy !req
754. Yeah, high school.Copy !req
755. That's right.Copy !req
756. You aren't gonna
wanna hang aroundCopy !req
757. with a bunch of dumb
elementary school kids
like us anymore.Copy !req
758. That's not true.
I'll come and visit you guys
all the time.Copy !req
759. Yeah, to see your girlfriend.Copy !req
760. Have some more
sloppy joes!Copy !req
761. I made 'em extra sloppy
for youse!Copy !req
762. I know how youse kids
likes 'em sloppy!Copy !req
763. Lady, you're scaring us!Copy !req
764. Go! Go! Yeah!Copy !req
765. Do you know
where the bathroom is?Copy !req
766. Second door on the left.Copy !req
767. Hey, tubby,
how about
a little bathroom reading?Copy !req
768. I have the August 1983 issue
of Wrestling World here.Copy !req
769. There's a terrific article
about a wrestler named
the Revolting Blob.Copy !req
770. Gee, you know somethin'?
He kinda looks like
someone I know.Copy !req
771. Where'd you get that?Copy !req
772. I have a subscription.Copy !req
773. Gee. He's a bad guy.Copy !req
774. He threw one opponent
out of the ring and hit
a bunch of senior citizens.Copy !req
775. Boy, this wacko
looks familiar.Copy !req
776. What do I care
about some stupid,
phony wrestling guy?Copy !req
777. My God!Copy !req
778. In June, 1983,
he sat on some guy's head
and killed him.Copy !req
779. It was just a stunt!Copy !req
780. He was supposed to
pinch my leg if he
was running short of air.Copy !req
781. With this guy sitting
on everyone's head
and everything,Copy !req
782. I wonder how he had time
to get his teaching degree.Copy !req
783. No!Copy !req
784. No, you can't do that to me!
Those kids are my whole life!Copy !req
785. You wouldn't want anything
to happen that would make them
think less of you, right?Copy !req
786. Max?Copy !req
787. Max?Copy !req
788. You ready to
cooperate with me?Copy !req
789. Yes.Copy !req
790. Then Madison Hotels
is as good as mine!Copy !req
791. Check out that car.Copy !req
792. Nice shirt! Yeah.
Yep.Copy !req
793. So now the cell's happy.Copy !req
794. But there are other molecules
saying, "Hey, we'd like
some energy too."Copy !req
795. And it uses its own
pigment molecule, chlorophyll,Copy !req
796. to carry out the action.Copy !req
797. This does not make
the ribosomes happy.Copy !req
798. Oh.Copy !req
799. Poor chlorophyll is caught
in the middle of this.Copy !req
800. Chlorophyll?Copy !req
801. More like "bore-ophyll."Copy !req
802. Right?Copy !req
803. It's a little bit stuffy
in here, huh?Copy !req
804. Don't talk to me.Copy !req
805. And why is that?Copy !req
806. Because you're a loser.Copy !req
807. I don't know from these
ribosomes, and chlorophyll
helps chloroplast...Copy !req
808. No, I will not
make out with you!Copy !req
809. Did you hear that?
This girl wants to make out
with me in class!Copy !req
810. You got chlorophyll man
talking about
God knows what.Copy !req
811. All she's talking about
is making out with me!Copy !req
812. I'm here to learn, everybody,
not to make out with you.Copy !req
813. Go on with the chlorophyll!Copy !req
814. O'Doyle rules!Copy !req
815. Thanks a lot, O'Doyle.Copy !req
816. Nice meeting you.Copy !req
817. Wait'll they start
with the wedgies.Copy !req
818. Yeah. You oughta start
cutting your underwearCopy !req
819. before you get to school
so it rips easier.Copy !req
820. I see. Who are you guys?Copy !req
821. We're the guys everybody
used to pick on
before you started here.Copy !req
822. Oh, no,
they ain't picking on me.Copy !req
823. They're giving me a hard time
'cause I'm the new guy.
A little first-day hazing.Copy !req
824. Are you in loser denial
or something?Copy !req
825. I had a bad case
of loser denial myself,Copy !req
826. till the lacrosse team
stuck a parking cone
up my ass.Copy !req
827. Loser? I ain't no loser.
I was the king
of this high school.Copy !req
828. Hundred friends.
Million parties.Copy !req
829. You guys are losers, not me.Copy !req
830. And that is what
a prime number is.Copy !req
831. Billy! Billy!Copy !req
832. Figuring on how I got
fourth period off, I'd shoot
down to say hi.Copy !req
833. How's high school, Billy?Copy !req
834. Yeah, how's high school?Copy !req
835. Oh, high school is great!Copy !req
836. I mean, I'm learning a lot!Copy !req
837. And all the kids
are treating me very nice.
It's great!Copy !req
838. Gee, I can't wait
till I go to high school.Copy !req
839. Don't you say that.Copy !req
840. Don't you ever say that!Copy !req
841. Stay here!
Stay as long as you can.Copy !req
842. For the love of God,
cherish it!Copy !req
843. Jennifer,
why don't you try reading
out loud for a minute?Copy !req
844. You gotta cherish it.
You do.Copy !req
845. I don't understand it.Copy !req
846. Ten years ago
high school was the greatest.
I had so much fun!Copy !req
847. You had
a little too much fun since
you've gotta do it again.Copy !req
848. I know. It's just
the classes are so hard.Copy !req
849. And all the kids
treat me like I'm a goof.Copy !req
850. You are a goof.Copy !req
851. Mmm.Copy !req
852. Suck it up.
Eight more weeks
and you're all set.Copy !req
853. Yeah, you're right.
You're so smart.Copy !req
854. I gotta go, okay?
Okay.Copy !req
855. Billy, wait.Copy !req
856. It doesn't feel so great
to be called a loser, does it?Copy !req
857. No.Copy !req
858. Maybe the first time
you went to high school,Copy !req
859. you weren't as nice to kids
you thought were losers.Copy !req
860. I know what you're saying.
You're so smart!Copy !req
861. Hello.Copy !req
862. Hi, is this Danny McGraff?
Yeah.Copy !req
863. The Danny McGraff
that graduated from
Knibb High School in 1984?Copy !req
864. Yeah. Who's this?Copy !req
865. This is Billy Madison.
You probably
don't remember me.Copy !req
866. But I went to high school
with you.Copy !req
867. I kinda gave you
a hard time back then.Copy !req
868. I did some things
I thought
were funny at the time.Copy !req
869. But now I realize
they were just
mean and stupid.Copy !req
870. I just wanted to apologize
and I hope you forgive me.Copy !req
871. Yeah, sure.
Don't worry about it.
It's no problem.Copy !req
872. Wow, that's great!Copy !req
873. Well, I am sorry,Copy !req
874. and maybe we can get together
and have coffee
or something.Copy !req
875. Sure, I'd like that.Copy !req
876. Okay. I'll see you around.
Okay.Copy !req
877. Bye.Copy !req
878. Speak for yourself, moron.Copy !req
879. Oh, my God,
that is funny!Copy !req
880. Next on News 9,
a shocking story ofCopy !req
881. power and corruption
involving a hotel tycoon.Copy !req
882. How his 27-year-old
millionaire sonCopy !req
883. cheated his way
through elementary school.Copy !req
884. - Stay tuned.
- What the hell?Copy !req
885. Now, now, maybe
it's somebody else.Copy !req
886. My name is Max Anderson.Copy !req
887. I'm the principal at
the Polly Fector
EIementary School.Copy !req
888. Recently a young man
named Billy Madison
was enrolled there.Copy !req
889. During that time,
Mr. Madison was disruptive.Copy !req
890. The only reason he passed
was that he offered me
a bribe of $5,000,Copy !req
891. which I regrettably accepted.Copy !req
892. I'm sorry, Billy.Copy !req
893. That was principal
Max Anderson of Polly Fector
EIementary School.Copy !req
894. Dad, he's lying!Copy !req
895. You made a fool
out of me.Copy !req
896. This was a mistake
from the beginning.Copy !req
897. Brian, I got some forecasts
for you to...
Why is everybody so glum?Copy !req
898. You seriously
don't believe me, Dad?Copy !req
899. That's right.Copy !req
900. I seriously
don't believe you.Copy !req
901. The deal's off.
Eric's got the company.Copy !req
902. Wow!
Good news for me.Copy !req
903. I can't believe
this is happening right now.Copy !req
904. What're you gonna do?
Gonna come to class on Monday?Copy !req
905. It wouldn't make
much sense now, would it?Copy !req
906. Stupid idea
in the first place.Copy !req
907. Get up out of this bed!Copy !req
908. Hello! Billy's here!Copy !req
909. Hey, baby!Copy !req
910. You looking hot tonight!Copy !req
911. Billy, what has happened
to you?Copy !req
912. We gonna go on a date.Copy !req
913. You, me,
Jack and FrankCopy !req
914. are gonna go around putting
shit on people's doorsteps.Copy !req
915. And we gonna
sets it on fire!Copy !req
916. Billy, why are you
acting like this?Copy !req
917. I know that you
didn't pay off Max.Copy !req
918. That makes two of us
then, baby.Copy !req
919. But it takes
more than two to tango.
Or something like that.Copy !req
920. So let's go!Copy !req
921. No, let's stay.Copy !req
922. And the three of you
can light dog shit
on my living room floor.Copy !req
923. Come on, Billy,
you know that...Copy !req
924. Talky, talky, talky.
No more talky.Copy !req
925. You got a lighter in here?Copy !req
926. Oh.Copy !req
927. I see
what's going on in here.Copy !req
928. So sorry to interrupt!Copy !req
929. Proceed!Copy !req
930. Billy, you're
losing your mind.Copy !req
931. All right, boys' night out!Copy !req
932. Let's go!Copy !req
933. I need to talk to you.Copy !req
934. Geez!Copy !req
935. What's going on, man?Copy !req
936. Billy and his girlfriend
are playing water polo
or something.Copy !req
937. Hey, maybe
they're playing Marco Polo!Copy !req
938. Marco!
Polo!Copy !req
939. Ah, geez, that was
a great game.Copy !req
940. Yeah.Copy !req
941. You know what?
I got an idea for you.Copy !req
942. lnstead of being
an idiot every day,Copy !req
943. why don't you
go back to school,
graduate and get the company?Copy !req
944. 'Cause I don't want it
anymore.
Oh!Copy !req
945. What do you mean
you don't want it anymore?Copy !req
946. Do I got something
coming out of my nose?Copy !req
947. I can't believe I ever liked
someone who could just
roll over and die like this.Copy !req
948. I ain't rolling over
and dying! I was set up!Copy !req
949. And worst of all,
nobody believes me.Copy !req
950. I believe you, Billy.
And I believe in you.Copy !req
951. Some people have no willpower,
no brains, no vision.Copy !req
952. They just drift through life
like lumps of crap.Copy !req
953. What is she talking about?Copy !req
954. You have all those things.
You're just afraid to use 'em.Copy !req
955. Don't be.Copy !req
956. You say you're not a loser,
Billy Madison, so win.Copy !req
957. Yes, I will go back to schoolCopy !req
958. And achieve victoryCopy !req
959. No man will take
what my father has builtCopy !req
960. Unless that man is meCopy !req
961. My Billy Sweet Billy BoyCopy !req
962. I knew you would go backCopy !req
963. No one can stop you if you tryCopy !req
964. Don't I have a nice rack?Copy !req
965. Veronica, I thank youCopy !req
966. For beating the shit out of meCopy !req
967. I see things so clearly nowCopy !req
968. I choose my destinyCopy !req
969. Oh, Billy,
I knew you had it in yaCopy !req
970. We're here to help you, BillyCopy !req
971. Get back in school to stayCopy !req
972. You gotta work real hard
And stick it outCopy !req
973. Till graduation dayCopy !req
974. Hey, kids, it's meCopy !req
975. I bet you thought
that I was deadCopy !req
976. But when I fell over
I just broke my legCopy !req
977. And got a hemorrhage
in my headCopy !req
978. There are obstacles in the wayCopy !req
979. But together
we shall overcomeCopy !req
980. OvercomeCopy !req
981. You can't break our spirit
You can't kill our dreamsCopy !req
982. Do you have any more gum?
More gum, more gum, more gumCopy !req
983. Do you have any more gum?Copy !req
984. Oh, hello, kids.Copy !req
985. Mr. Anderson,
is that you?Copy !req
986. Oh! Yes,
actually it is.Copy !req
987. This is just...
Well, this is...Copy !req
988. Normally, I don't allow
children to be in my home
without parental supervision.Copy !req
989. So, why don't you
just run on... Oh, boy!Copy !req
990. It sure is great to have all
you kids come surprise me
like this at my home, but...Copy !req
991. Mr. Anderson, Billy said
the stuff you said
didn't happen.Copy !req
992. Is he lying
or are you lying?Copy !req
993. Ah, well, listen, kids,
it's not always
as simple as all that.Copy !req
994. The statement I made
about Billy Madison was
and is completely untrue.Copy !req
995. I know now that I shall
never escape my fate
as the Revolting Blob.Copy !req
996. No, no, no, no, no!Copy !req
997. It's something
I must Iearn to Iive with.Copy !req
998. Joyce?Copy !req
999. What a mess.Copy !req
1000. First this psycho goes on TV,
lies, then retracts it.Copy !req
1001. And now Eric's secretary
is in a coma.Copy !req
1002. Carl, has anybody been able
to find out anything
about this Max guy?Copy !req
1003. No, sir. He's vanished.
Nobody has any idea
where he is.Copy !req
1004. I believed in Billy
all along.Copy !req
1005. Oh, cut the horseshit!Copy !req
1006. I know you
blackmailed Max.Copy !req
1007. Take it easy, Billy.Copy !req
1008. Things were going along greatCopy !req
1009. until this wrestling freak
messed things up.Copy !req
1010. Billy should get
another shot at high school.Copy !req
1011. Hey, rules are rules!
Billy was supposed to finishCopy !req
1012. each grade within
the two weeks
or I get the company.Copy !req
1013. And he didn't finish
ninth grade.Copy !req
1014. Eric, certainly there are
extenuating circumstances.Copy !req
1015. Extenuating, exmenuating!
We had a deal,
a signed, written deal.Copy !req
1016. Each grade, two weeks,
or I get the company.Copy !req
1017. Well, technically
you're right, but...Copy !req
1018. Shut up, Brian! I've had to
listen to your jawing
for too long.Copy !req
1019. "Well, technically..."Copy !req
1020. Just shut up!Copy !req
1021. Are you ready to hand
the company over to me now?Copy !req
1022. No!Copy !req
1023. Then I'll see your ass
in court.Copy !req
1024. Good.Copy !req
1025. Nice talking to ya,
shitheads!Copy !req
1026. Hey, Eric, how would you like
to settle this right now?
No lawyers.Copy !req
1027. You and me.
Mano y mano.Copy !req
1028. What does that mean?Copy !req
1029. What does that mean?
Carl, what does that mean?Copy !req
1030. I don't know.Copy !req
1031. It means
an academic decathlon:
one day, 10 events,Copy !req
1032. testing all the knowledge
one would gain in high school.Copy !req
1033. Me versus you!Copy !req
1034. You're joking, right?Copy !req
1035. Let's take it a little
easy here, Billy, huh?Copy !req
1036. No, I'm serious. Let's do it.
Let's do it on Friday.Copy !req
1037. Let's do it.Copy !req
1038. Is that all right
with you, Daddy?Copy !req
1039. Well, if you think
you can beat him.Copy !req
1040. Oh, I can!
And I will.Copy !req
1041. It's a deal.Copy !req
1042. I know it was you.Copy !req
1043. You broke my heart.Copy !req
1044. Here's the trigonometry
and notes for
the classes you missed.Copy !req
1045. This is last year's
physics notes.
It's the best I could do.Copy !req
1046. Thanks a lot, fellas.
You're saving my life.Copy !req
1047. O'Doyle rules!Copy !req
1048. O'Doyle, I got a feeling
your whole family's
going down.Copy !req
1049. But for now, I've gotta study.Copy !req
1050. Norman invasion of England.Copy !req
1051. 1066.Copy !req
1052. That is correct.Copy !req
1053. Magna Carta.Copy !req
1054. 1215?Copy !req
1055. Yes.Copy !req
1056. Spanish Armada.Copy !req
1057. 1466.Copy !req
1058. '67.Copy !req
1059. 1469.Copy !req
1060. 1514.Copy !req
1061. 1981.Copy !req
1062. 1986.Copy !req
1063. Please, do not do that.Copy !req
1064. Come on, I swear...
Just hang in there one second.Copy !req
1065. Please, God,
give me the answer!Copy !req
1066. Slow down.Copy !req
1067. Oh!Copy !req
1068. Spanish Armada.Copy !req
1069. Ah, 1588!Copy !req
1070. That is correct.Copy !req
1071. Ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
1072. thanks to a generous donation
by Mr. MadisonCopy !req
1073. to the Knibb
High School library,Copy !req
1074. I've been able to arrange
for 10 different teachersCopy !req
1075. to administer
this academic decathlon
in various courses of study.Copy !req
1076. However, if there is
any attempt by
either contestant to cheat,Copy !req
1077. especially with my wife
who is a dirty, dirty tramp,Copy !req
1078. I am just gonna snap.
Do I make myself clear?Copy !req
1079. Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.Copy !req
1080. All right then.
Let the academic decathlon
begin!Copy !req
1081. Yes!Copy !req
1082. Second team
all-American. Harvard track.Copy !req
1083. Is that right?Copy !req
1084. Oh, gross! Did you see
that guy's balls?Copy !req
1085. Yeah. They were
weird-looking.Copy !req
1086. Whoa!Copy !req
1087. He's good.Copy !req
1088. "To be or not to be:Copy !req
1089. "that is the question.Copy !req
1090. "Whether 'tis nobler
in the mindCopy !req
1091. "to suffer the slings
and arrows of
outrageous fortune..."Copy !req
1092. "Or to take armsCopy !req
1093. "against a sea of troubles,Copy !req
1094. "and by opposing end them?Copy !req
1095. "To die:Copy !req
1096. "to sleep. No more."Copy !req
1097. Yea, Billy!Copy !req
1098. Hey, hey, hey!Copy !req
1099. Who rules?
O'Doyle rules!Copy !req
1100. O'Doyle rules! O'Doyle rules!Copy !req
1101. O'Doyle rules! O'Doyle rules!Copy !req
1102. O'Doyle rules!Copy !req
1103. Good afternoon, students.Copy !req
1104. You've been invited here
to witness the 10th
and final eventCopy !req
1105. in the competition between
Mr. Eric Gordon
and Mr. Billy Madison.Copy !req
1106. As of this moment,
Mr. Madison
is ahead by one point.Copy !req
1107. Each competitor will select
the final category
for his opponent.Copy !req
1108. Mr. Madison
will go first.Copy !req
1109. Mr. Gordon,
choose the topic.Copy !req
1110. "English Literature."Copy !req
1111. "U.S. Presidents."Copy !req
1112. "My Wife, the Tramp."Copy !req
1113. "Burning Dog Poo
and the Human Response."Copy !req
1114. "Reflections of Society
in Literature."Copy !req
1115. Reflections of Society
in Literature.Copy !req
1116. Good luck, schmuck.Copy !req
1117. Mr. Madison,
the Industrial RevolutionCopy !req
1118. changed the face
of the modern novel forever.Copy !req
1119. Discuss,
citing specific examples.Copy !req
1120. Come on, Billy!Copy !req
1121. Come on!Copy !req
1122. Come on, Billy, you can do it.Copy !req
1123. Okay.Copy !req
1124. The Industrial Revolution
to meCopy !req
1125. is just like a story I know
called The Puppy
Who Lost His Way.Copy !req
1126. The world was changing,Copy !req
1127. and the puppy
was getting bigger.Copy !req
1128. So you see,
the puppy was like industryCopy !req
1129. in that they were
both lost in the woods.Copy !req
1130. And nobody,
especially the little boy,Copy !req
1131. "society,"Copy !req
1132. knew where to find them.Copy !req
1133. Except that the puppy
was a dog.Copy !req
1134. But the industry, my friends,Copy !req
1135. that was a revolution.Copy !req
1136. Knibb High football rules!Copy !req
1137. Mr. Madison,
what you've just saidCopy !req
1138. is one of the most
insanely idiotic things
I have ever heard.Copy !req
1139. At no point in your rambling,
incoherent responseCopy !req
1140. were you even close to
anything that could be
considered a rational thought.Copy !req
1141. Everyone in this room
is now dumber
for having listened to it.Copy !req
1142. I award you no points,
and may God have mercy
on your soul.Copy !req
1143. Okay, a simple "wrong"
would've done
just fine, but...Copy !req
1144. You remain one point ahead.Copy !req
1145. Mr. Gordon, it is your turn.
Mr. Madison, choose the topic.Copy !req
1146. I choose
Business Ethics.Copy !req
1147. Mr. Gordon,Copy !req
1148. the American business
environment has
fundamentally changedCopy !req
1149. following the insider trading
and savings and loan scandals.Copy !req
1150. Explain business ethics
and how they
are applied today.Copy !req
1151. Boo!Copy !req
1152. The ethics of businessCopy !req
1153. can be summarized in...Copy !req
1154. Boo!Copy !req
1155. Yeah.Copy !req
1156. See...Copy !req
1157. Ethics are...Copy !req
1158. You know the...Copy !req
1159. The thing about ethics...Copy !req
1160. That question
was not fair.Copy !req
1161. That was not in the reading.
I demand a new question.Copy !req
1162. Take it easy, psycho.
You blew it. You lose.Copy !req
1163. I oughta blow you away,
you miserable...Copy !req
1164. Go ahead and do it!Copy !req
1165. Yikes!Copy !req
1166. No!Copy !req
1167. Get off me!Copy !req
1168. No!Copy !req
1169. Man, I'm glad
I called that guy!Copy !req
1170. Max, are you okay?Copy !req
1171. Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.Copy !req
1172. Okay.Copy !req
1173. A little confused.Copy !req
1174. Kinda sweaty.Copy !req
1175. A little hungry,
but all in all I'm okay.Copy !req
1176. Thank you, thank you,
thank you very much.Copy !req
1177. Well, what can I say?
I graduated.Copy !req
1178. It's over. I did it.Copy !req
1179. I know most of you
are saying, "Hey, any idiot
could do that."Copy !req
1180. Well, it was tough for me,
so back off!Copy !req
1181. Sorry. Sorry about that.Copy !req
1182. Yahoo, Billy!
Billy's number one! Yahoo!Copy !req
1183. That's nice, buddy.Copy !req
1184. Yahoo! Yahoo for school!Copy !req
1185. Yahoo for me!Copy !req
1186. Anyways, this hotel stuff
really isn't for me.Copy !req
1187. So I decided to step down
as chairman of Madison HotelsCopy !req
1188. and give the company
to Carl.Copy !req
1189. I'm gonna go to college.
I'm gonna be a teacher.Copy !req
1190. Peace! I'm outta here!Copy !req
1191. Daddy!Copy !req
1192. What can I say?
I saved the day, I guess.Copy !req
1193. Eric doesn't take over
the company.Copy !req
1194. Are you sure
this is what you want to do?Copy !req
1195. I'm sure, Dad.
And thanks for everything.Copy !req
1196. Max! What can I say, buddy?
You saved my life.Copy !req
1197. You don't have to say
anything. I'm so proud of you.Copy !req
1198. I'm still horny.Copy !req
1199. Jesus!Copy !req
1200. All right, man,
you're hurting me.Copy !req
1201. You think he's horny.Copy !req
1202. Come here.Copy !req