1. Hi. Welcome to the future.Copy !req
2. San Dimas, California, 2688,Copy !req
3. and I'm telling you,
it's great here.Copy !req
4. The air is clean.
The water's clean.Copy !req
5. Even the dirt is clean.Copy !req
6. Bowling averages are way up.Copy !req
7. Mini-golf scores are way down.Copy !req
8. And we have more
excellent water slidesCopy !req
9. than any other planet
we communicate with.Copy !req
10. I'm telling you this place is great.Copy !req
11. But it almost wasn't.Copy !req
12. You see, 700 years ago, the two
great ones ran into a few problems.Copy !req
13. So now I have to travel
back in time to help them out.Copy !req
14. If I should fail to keep these two
on the correct path,Copy !req
15. the basis of our society
will be in danger.Copy !req
16. Don't worry, it'll all make sense.
I'm a professional.Copy !req
17. - I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire.Copy !req
18. And I'm Ted "Theo..."Copy !req
19. - Bill, here, you take it.
- OK.Copy !req
20. - And I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan.
- Yeah!Copy !req
21. And we're Wyld Stallyns!Copy !req
22. - [static, fizzling]Copy !req
23. " Dude!Copy !req
24. Let's bail.Copy !req
25. We blew it.Copy !req
26. Guess we used too much power.Copy !req
27. I liked it.Copy !req
28. Ted, while I agree that in time
our band will be most triumphant,Copy !req
29. the truth is, Wyld Stallyns
will never be a super bandCopy !req
30. until we have
Eddie Van Halen on guitar.Copy !req
31. Yes, Bill, but... I do not believe
we will get Eddie Van HalenCopy !req
32. until we have a triumphant video.Copy !req
33. Ted, it's pointless to have
a triumphant videoCopy !req
34. before we even have
decent instruments.Copy !req
35. How can we have decent instruments
when we really don't know how to play?Copy !req
36. That is why we need Eddie Van Halen.Copy !req
37. And that is why
we need a triumphant video.Copy !req
38. - Excellent!
- Excellent!Copy !req
39. Uh-oh.Copy !req
40. - We're late.
- For what?Copy !req
41. - For school, dude.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
42. Bill, I'm waiting.Copy !req
43. - He's dead?Copy !req
44. So Bill, what you're telling me,
essentially,Copy !req
45. is that Napoleon was
a short, dead dude.Copy !req
46. - Well, yeah.Copy !req
47. You totally blew it, dude.Copy !req
48. - Ted, stand up.
- Stand up?Copy !req
49. Yes, son, stand up.Copy !req
50. Now... who was Joan of Arc?Copy !req
51. - Noah's wife?Copy !req
52. Listen guys, don't forget, tomorrow,
final report, 1:30 to 3:30, OK?Copy !req
53. He)', guys.Copy !req
54. Mr. Ryan, before you say anything,Copy !req
55. my distinguished colleague Ted and I
wish to express to you our thanksCopy !req
56. for all the things
we have learned in your class.Copy !req
57. And what have you learned?Copy !req
58. We have, uh...Copy !req
59. We've learned that the
world has a great history.Copy !req
60. Yes, and that thanks
to great leadersCopy !req
61. such as... Genghis Khan,Copy !req
62. Joan of Arc, and Socratic Method,Copy !req
63. the world is... full of history.Copy !req
64. It seems to me that
the only thing you have learnedCopy !req
65. is that Caesar...
is a salad dressing dude.Copy !req
66. Bill, Ted, this is really quite simple.Copy !req
67. You have flunked
every section of this class.Copy !req
68. Now unless you get an A-plus
on your final oral report tomorrow...Copy !req
69. guys, I have no choice
but to flunk the both of you.Copy !req
70. Now you know your topics,
so I would suggest that you at leastCopy !req
71. cover those areas
if you want to pass the course.Copy !req
72. - Understand?
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
73. OK.Copy !req
74. Guys.Copy !req
75. Your report had better be
something very special.Copy !req
76. Ah, man.Copy !req
77. Well, what are we
supposed to know for our report?Copy !req
78. I'm not sure.Copy !req
79. One thing I know is that
Joan of Arc is not Noah's wife.Copy !req
80. Well then, who is Noah's wife?Copy !req
81. I don't know, Ted.Copy !req
82. But I do know
we're in serious trouble.Copy !req
83. Listen to this:Copy !req
84. "Express to the class how
an important historical figureCopy !req
85. from each of your time periods would
view the world of San Dimas, 1988."Copy !req
86. We're in danger of flunking
most heinously tomorrow, Ted.Copy !req
87. Hi, Bill.
Want a ride?Copy !req
88. Sure, Missy.Copy !req
89. I mean, Mom.Copy !req
90. - Your stepmom's cute.
- Shut up, Ted.Copy !req
91. Remember when she was
a senior and we were freshmen?Copy !req
92. Shut up, Ted!Copy !req
93. I'll be right back,
as soon as I get my books.Copy !req
94. Ted.Copy !req
95. What are you doing home, Dad?Copy !req
96. - I'm looking for my keys.
- Oh.Copy !req
97. You haven't done anything
with them, have you?Copy !req
98. No, sir.Copy !req
99. I spoke to your principal today, Ted.Copy !req
100. He said you're failing history.Copy !req
101. - Me and Bill...
- He also saidCopy !req
102. that if you fail history,
you flunk out of school.Copy !req
103. You know what that would mean,
don%you, Ted?Copy !req
104. That I would have to go
to Oates Military Academy, sir.Copy !req
105. Uh-huh.
I spoke to Colonel Oates this morning.Copy !req
106. He's anxious to meet you, Ted.Copy !req
107. Dude, we gotta pass.
Otherwise there's no more band.Copy !req
108. Why?Copy !req
109. My dad's sending me to military school.Copy !req
110. Where?Copy !req
111. Alaska.Copy !req
112. Alaska...Copy !req
113. It is time.Copy !req
114. Their separation is imminent.Copy !req
115. Be excellent to each other.Copy !req
116. Party on, dude.Copy !req
117. OK, Ted.
George Washington.Copy !req
118. the father of our country.Copy !req
119. born on President's Day.Copy !req
120. the dollar bill guy.Copy !req
121. Bill, you ever made a mushroom
out of his head?Copy !req
122. Ted... Alaska.Copy !req
123. OK. Um...Copy !req
124. Had wooden teeth, chased Moby Dick.Copy !req
125. That's Captain Ahab, dude.Copy !req
126. Oh, wait. Remember Disney World,
the Hall of Presidents?Copy !req
127. Yeah, good, what'd he say?Copy !req
128. "Welcome to the Hall of Presidents."Copy !req
129. Hi, I brought you guys some food.Copy !req
130. It's your mom, dude!Copy !req
131. How's it going, GUYS?Copy !req
132. Bad!Copy !req
133. We are destined to flunk most
egregiously tomorrow.Copy !req
134. And I am destined to end up
at Oates Military Academy.Copy !req
135. And then we will never start our band.Copy !req
136. Good.Copy !req
137. - What are you guys studying anyway?
- History.Copy !req
138. - Mr. Ryan?
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
139. Tell him, "hi."Copy !req
140. Why don't you guys take a dinner break?Copy !req
141. Thanks, Dad.Copy !req
142. Now your dad's going for it...
in your own room!Copy !req
143. Shut up, Ted.Copy !req
144. - Your stepmom is cute, though.
- Shut up, Ted.Copy !req
145. Remember when I asked her
to the prom?Copy !req
146. Shut up, Ted!Copy !req
147. Twelve-seventy-five, 1275, 1275...Copy !req
148. OK, the lady in that car over thereCopy !req
149. said that Marco Polo
was in the year 1275.Copy !req
150. So it's not just a water sport,
I knew it.Copy !req
151. Excuse me,
when did the Mongols rule China?Copy !req
152. I don't know.
I just work here.Copy !req
153. Well, you wanna try the Thrifty Mart?Copy !req
154. Sure.Copy !req
155. Whoa!Copy !req
156. Not bad.Copy !req
157. Greetings, my excellent friends.Copy !req
158. Do you know when
the Mongols ruled China?Copy !req
159. Well... perhaps we could ask them.Copy !req
160. Bill S. Preston, Esquire...Copy !req
161. and Ted "Theodore" Logan.Copy !req
162. Gentlemen, I'm here to help you
with your history report.Copy !req
163. What?Copy !req
164. HOW?Copy !req
165. Whoa!Copy !req
166. - Whoo!
- I hate that part.Copy !req
167. - Bill?
- What?Copy !req
168. Strange things are afoot
at the Circle K.Copy !req
169. Dudes, you guys
are gonna go back in time.Copy !req
170. Yeah!Copy !req
171. You are going to have a most excellent
adventure through history.Copy !req
172. - Who are you guys?
- We're you, dude!Copy !req
173. No way. No way!Copy !req
174. - Yes way, Ted!
- Look, we know how you feel.Copy !req
175. We didn't believe it either
when we were youCopy !req
176. and we-us said what we-us
are saying right now.Copy !req
177. OK wait, if you guys are really us...Copy !req
178. what number are we thinking of?Copy !req
179. Sixty-nine, dudes!Copy !req
180. Whoa!Copy !req
181. Look, we've gotta go.Copy !req
182. Yeah, we gotta get back to the report.Copy !req
183. Rufus!Copy !req
184. Listen to this dude, Rufus.
He knows what he's talking about.Copy !req
185. Right. Oh, and Ted,
give my love to the princesses.Copy !req
186. - Who?
- You'll see.Copy !req
187. Gentleman... is everything all right?Copy !req
188. Yeah, except, how come...Copy !req
189. Ted, don't forget to wind your watch!Copy !req
190. Thanks, Rufus.Copy !req
191. Catch ya later, Bill and Ted.Copy !req
192. Dude, are you sure
we should be doing this?Copy !req
193. Ted, you and I have
witnessed many things,Copy !req
194. but nothing as bodacious
as what just happened.Copy !req
195. Besides we told ourselves
to listen to this guy.Copy !req
196. What if we were lying?Copy !req
197. Why would we lie to ourselves?Copy !req
198. How are you gonna help us?Copy !req
199. Yeah, are you gonna call someone
and get the answers?Copy !req
200. Gentlemen, we're gonna do
a lot more than that.Copy !req
201. Whoa. Excellent.Copy !req
202. Brace yourselves, amigos.Copy !req
203. Gentlemen...Copy !req
204. we're history.Copy !req
205. Rufus, where are we, dude?Copy !req
206. These are the circuits
of history, gentlemen.Copy !req
207. They'll take us to
any point in time we wish.Copy !req
208. HOW?Copy !req
209. Modern technology, William.Copy !req
210. Whoa!Copy !req
211. - That was most unprecedented, Rufus.
- Yeah.Copy !req
212. But where are we, Rufus?Copy !req
213. Austria, 1805,
the French have just invaded.Copy !req
214. - [gunfire, booming]Copy !req
215. Bill, check it out!Copy !req
216. We're in the middle of a war, dude!Copy !req
217. Amigos, time to depart.Copy !req
218. How's it going, dude?Copy !req
219. Now where are we, dude?Copy !req
220. Oh, it's my house.Copy !req
221. Rufus, can we go anywhere we want,
at any time?Copy !req
222. Gentlemen, you can do anything you want,
as long as you remember this:Copy !req
223. No matter what happens,
you must get to that report. Got it?Copy !req
224. All right, amigos, that book
will give you the numberCopy !req
225. of any place you want to go.
Now, most important,Copy !req
226. no matter what you do,
no matter where you go,Copy !req
227. that clock, the clock in San Dimas,
is always running. Got it?Copy !req
228. - Yeah.
- All right, time for me to go.Copy !req
229. What do you mean, Rufus?Copy !req
230. Yeah, aren't you coming with us?Copy !req
231. Gentlemen, you're on your own.Copy !req
232. - Ted?
- What?Copy !req
233. This has been a most unusual day.Copy !req
234. - Ted, it's Napoleon.
- Who?Copy !req
235. The short, dead dude
from our history review.Copy !req
236. Ted, I have a most excellent idea.Copy !req
237. Grab his legs, we gotta get him inside.Copy !req
238. I think I've figured out a way
to pass our report.Copy !req
239. HOW?Copy !req
240. Well, we've got one
historical figure here.Copy !req
241. Maybe we can go back
and get some more.Copy !req
242. Yeah!Copy !req
243. Deacon,
you have to watch this guy.Copy !req
244. His name is Napoleon.
He's a very famous French dude.Copy !req
245. We have decided to collect other
important figures from historyCopy !req
246. for an oral report we are doing.Copy !req
247. While we are gone, you are
not to let him out of your sight.Copy !req
248. Here is some money.Copy !req
249. Take him to the movies or something.Copy !req
250. Napoleon, I am Bill.Copy !req
251. We'll take you back to France after you
tell us what you think of San Dimas.Copy !req
252. - This is Ted's little brother, Deacon.
- Hi.Copy !req
253. He'll take care of you.Copy !req
254. - Ready, Ted?
- Ready, Bill.Copy !req
255. - Let's go back into history.Copy !req
256. This should be most triumphant.Copy !req
257. I want to speak with you, son.Copy !req
258. Alone please, Bill.Copy !req
259. All right, sit down.Copy !req
260. Great.Copy !req
261. You lose my keys.
You fail history.Copy !req
262. You spend all your time
with your loser friendCopy !req
263. planning a band that'll never happen.Copy !req
264. Now you're not to leave this house again
until tomorrow morning.Copy !req
265. - Yes?
- [Bill, deep voice] Captain Logan?Copy !req
266. This is Deputy Van Ha/en
down at the station.Copy !req
267. Deputy Van Halen?Copy !req
268. - I'm new, dude... sir.Copy !req
269. Look, we found your keys,Copy !req
270. and if you want 'em,
you better come and get 'em.Copy !req
271. When I get back from the station,
I want you packed and ready to go.Copy !req
272. Got it?Copy !req
273. We are in serious trouble.Copy !req
274. My dad already signed me up,
my plane leaves tomorrow night.Copy !req
275. Only if we fail, dude.Copy !req
276. No way!Copy !req
277. OK, we got Sigmund Freud,
Beethoven... Uh...Copy !req
278. ls there one for Western Movement
in America in the 19th Century?Copy !req
279. Yeah.Copy !req
280. Well then...Copy !req
281. let's reach out
and touch someone.Copy !req
282. How's it going, Old West Dude?Copy !req
283. Hey, Bill,
this is just like Frontierland.Copy !req
284. Yeah,
but you can get shot here, Ted.Copy !req
285. Oh.Copy !req
286. - Just try to act natural.
- OK.Copy !req
287. - Howdy, partner.
- Howdy.Copy !req
288. Watch out
for the horse crap, Ted.Copy !req
289. Ugh. Thanks, dude.Copy !req
290. - Hey, Bill, I'm totally thirsty.
- Me too.Copy !req
291. Two beers, please.Copy !req
292. Whoa! He didn't even card us, dude!Copy !req
293. Yeah, we have to
remember this place.Copy !req
294. So, who should we take with us?Copy !req
295. - Who's he?
- He's Billy the Kid.Copy !req
296. He's famous, dude.
Let's bag him.Copy !req
297. I need two men.Copy !req
298. Who's with me?Copy !req
299. We're with you, Billy the Kid.Copy !req
300. Here's the deal.
What I win, I keep.Copy !req
301. What you win, I keep.Copy !req
302. Sounds good, Mr. The Kid.Copy !req
303. Dude, you gotta have a poker face,
like me.Copy !req
304. Whoa! Three aces!Copy !req
305. What the hell's going on here, Billy?Copy !req
306. Are you cheating us, Kid?Copy !req
307. Cheatin'?Copy !req
308. Me?Copy !req
309. Billy!Copy !req
310. Excellent!Copy !req
311. Look, we're totally weak.Copy !req
312. We can't possibly fight you.Copy !req
313. However, how would you gentlemen like...Copy !req
314. free passes to Waterloo.
Home of excellent water slides.Copy !req
315. Nice try, dude.Copy !req
316. Whoa!Copy !req
317. Whoa!Copy !req
318. - Whoa!
- Whoa!Copy !req
319. What?Copy !req
320. Come on.Copy !req
321. - Look!
- It's the Goodyear blimp.Copy !req
322. Huh?Copy !req
323. I can't believe
they fell for that!Copy !req
324. Yeah!Copy !req
325. - Let's get 'em!
- Kill 'em!Copy !req
326. Come on!Copy !req
327. - You guys saved my life.
- Nothing doing, Billy the Kid.Copy !req
328. - Where we going?
- The Golden Age of Civilization.Copy !req
329. - Where?
- Ancient Greece, dude.Copy !req
330. Don't worry, we'll bring you back
as soon as you talk in our report.Copy !req
331. What?Copy !req
332. What the...?Copy !req
333. Socrates.Copy !req
334. - Hey, we know that name.
- Yeah!Copy !req
335. Hey, look him up.Copy !req
336. - Oh. It's under So-crates.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
337. "So-Copy !req
338. 'The only true wisdom consists
in knowing that you know nothing."'Copy !req
339. - That's us, dude!
- Oh, yeah!Copy !req
340. - Let's bag him.
- Yeah.Copy !req
341. How's it going?Copy !req
342. I'm Bill, this is Ted.Copy !req
343. We're from the future.Copy !req
344. Socrates. Hm...Copy !req
345. Now what?Copy !req
346. I don't know.Copy !req
347. Philosophize with him.Copy !req
348. All we are is dust in the wind, dude.Copy !req
349. Dust.Copy !req
350. - Wind.
- Dude.Copy !req
351. Ha!Copy !req
352. Let's get out of here, dude.Copy !req
353. - Whoa!Copy !req
354. All right!Copy !req
355. Yee-ha!Copy !req
356. Not bad, eh, So-crates?Copy !req
357. - Where are we, dude?
- England, 15th century.Copy !req
358. We are in most excellent shape
for our report.Copy !req
359. Yeah, all we need
is one more speaker from medieval.Copy !req
360. Excellent.Copy !req
361. Billy, you are dealing
with the oddity of time travelCopy !req
362. with the greatest of ease.Copy !req
363. Excuse me.Copy !req
364. Do you know where there are any
personages of historical significanceCopy !req
365. around here?Copy !req
366. Whoa!Copy !req
367. Check it out.Copy !req
368. It must be the castle of King Henry.Copy !req
369. Let's go, dude!Copy !req
370. Billy, guard the booth.Copy !req
371. And watch So-crates.Copy !req
372. So-crates.Copy !req
373. So, who should we get from medieval?Copy !req
374. How about that gnarly old goat dude?Copy !req
375. Ted?Copy !req
376. I'm in love, dude.Copy !req
377. Whoa!Copy !req
378. Those must be the princesses you
told yourself about at the Circle K.Copy !req
379. We gotta go, it's a history report,
not a babe report.Copy !req
380. But Bill...Copy !req
381. those are historical babes.Copy !req
382. OK, you're the ladies man,Copy !req
383. how we gonna meet 'em?Copy !req
384. Excellent.Copy !req
385. - Bill?
- What?Copy !req
386. - These are heavy.
- Yeah, heavy metal.Copy !req
387. We gotta go find the princesses.Copy !req
388. - Yeah.Copy !req
389. Watch it!Copy !req
390. Who turned out all the lights?Copy !req
391. - Hey, Bill?
- What?Copy !req
392. [Ted, deep voice] I'm Darth Ted.Copy !req
393. Yeah, well I'm Luke Bill.
And you're not my father.Copy !req
394. Come on!Copy !req
395. Hey!Copy !req
396. I totally conquered you, dude!Copy !req
397. No way!Copy !req
398. Come on!Copy !req
399. I'll never rule the universe with you.Copy !req
400. - Hey, Bill.
- What?Copy !req
401. We totally
know how to sword fight.Copy !req
402. Yeah!Copy !req
403. Ah! Whoa!Copy !req
404. Ted.Copy !req
405. Ted.Copy !req
406. Search the castle,
there might be more of them.Copy !req
407. - Get out of here!Copy !req
408. Bogus.Copy !req
409. Heinous.Copy !req
410. Most non-triumphant.Copy !req
411. Ah, Ted... don't be dead, dude.Copy !req
412. You killed Ted, you medieval dickweed!Copy !req
413. Whoa!Copy !req
414. - Ted, you're alive!
- Yeah!Copy !req
415. I fell out of my suit
when I hit the floor.Copy !req
416. Fag.Copy !req
417. Dude, you totally
boned that dude in the head.Copy !req
418. Yeah!Copy !req
419. He's a total bonehead.Copy !req
420. That fat old man. I must find
a way to escape before the night.Copy !req
421. But how?Copy !req
422. - What's that?
- Whoa...Copy !req
423. Boys.Copy !req
424. I can't believe they're here.Copy !req
425. How's it going, ladies?Copy !req
426. You're the ones we saw
in front of the castle.Copy !req
427. I am Ted of San Dimas.Copy !req
428. And, uh... I bring to you
a message of love.Copy !req
429. - From who?
- From... from myself.Copy !req
430. And what is this message you speak of?Copy !req
431. Uh...Copy !req
432. Lyrics, dude.
Recite 'em some lyrics.Copy !req
433. Oh, you beautiful babes from England,Copy !req
434. for whom we have traveled through time.Copy !req
435. Will you go to the prom
with us in San Dimas?Copy !req
436. - We will have a most triumphant time.
- Way to go, dude.Copy !req
437. - Joanna! Elizabeth!
- It's father!Copy !req
438. - What does your father want?
- We're to be marriedCopy !req
439. - to horrible old men today.
- No way!Copy !req
440. Will you help us escape?Copy !req
441. Of course, babes.Copy !req
442. How's it going, royal ugly dudes?Copy !req
443. I am the Earl of Preston.Copy !req
444. And I am the Duke of Ted.Copy !req
445. Put them in the iron maiden.Copy !req
446. Iron Maiden?Copy !req
447. Excellent!Copy !req
448. - Execute them!Copy !req
449. Bogus.Copy !req
450. We'll save you, babes!Copy !req
451. Witches! Heretics!Copy !req
452. I saw them!
They fell from the sky!Copy !req
453. Heretics!Copy !req
454. They fell out of the sky!Copy !req
455. They had fire in their eyes,
and they had horns!Copy !req
456. Off with their heads!Copy !req
457. Oh, no.Copy !req
458. - Bill?
- What?Copy !req
459. I believe our adventure through time
has taken a most serious turn.Copy !req
460. " Huh?Copy !req
461. - Billy!
- So-crates!Copy !req
462. Let's go!Copy !req
463. - Guards! After them!
- Ah!Copy !req
464. - So-crates!
- Bye, babes!Copy !req
465. Catch you later, medieval dudes.Copy !req
466. Kill them! Guards!Copy !req
467. - Stop them! Stop them!Copy !req
468. Hurry up, Billy!Copy !req
469. Get out of the way!Copy !req
470. Move out of the way!
Come on, get out of here!Copy !req
471. Whoa!Copy !req
472. Dial fast, dude!Copy !req
473. I'm sorry, the number you have
dialed is not in service at this time.Copy !req
474. Please check your directory
and dial again.Copy !req
475. - Oh, no.
- Party on, dude.Copy !req
476. - Bill!Copy !req
477. OK, I got one, let's go!Copy !req
478. You guys stay here.Copy !req
479. Where are we, dude?Copy !req
480. I don't know.Copy !req
481. They sure do play excellent music.Copy !req
482. Most outstanding.Copy !req
483. - It's you.
- Yeah!Copy !req
484. It's us!Copy !req
485. Who are we?Copy !req
486. Bill, I think they
want us to say something.Copy !req
487. What should I say?Copy !req
488. Make something up.Copy !req
489. Be excellent to each other.Copy !req
490. Party on, dudes!Copy !req
491. - Good one, dude.Copy !req
492. Well, we gotta get back to our report.Copy !req
493. Yeah, we'd take you with us,Copy !req
494. but it's a history report,
not a future report.Copy !req
495. Later.Copy !req
496. Later.Copy !req
497. Let's get back
and do our report.Copy !req
498. Good idea.Copy !req
499. - Dude, where're we going?
- I don't know.Copy !req
500. I think the booth's broke.Copy !req
501. We gotta keep going to San Dimas
until we get back and get Napoleon.Copy !req
502. Behold.Copy !req
503. Behold, the Ziggy Pig.Copy !req
504. The single greatest ice cream spectacle
known to man.Copy !req
505. Eat the pig.
Eat the pig.Copy !req
506. Ziggy, ziggy, ziggy, zig!Copy !req
507. Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
508. It's ice cream.
You eat it.Copy !req
509. It's good.Copy !req
510. Whatever, just eat it.Copy !req
511. Hm...Copy !req
512. All behold, he ate the pig.Copy !req
513. Thus proving that he's a Ziggy Piggy,Copy !req
514. Ziggy Piggy, Ziggy Piggy...Copy !req
515. What's that?Copy !req
516. I don't know.Copy !req
517. - Shit!
- Whoa!Copy !req
518. Where'd we land now?Copy !req
519. Dude, it's Sigmund Freud.Copy !req
520. How much time have we got left?Copy !req
521. Tons! Why?Copy !req
522. Extra credit, dude!Copy !req
523. How's it going, Freud dude?Copy !req
524. Let go of me.
What are you doing?Copy !req
525. Come on, So-crates.Copy !req
526. Welcome aboard, Ms. Joan of Arc.Copy !req
527. My name's Ted, and this is Bill.Copy !req
528. - [rumbling, electrical fizzling]
- Oh!Copy !req
529. Want a Twinkie, Genghis Khan?Copy !req
530. Say "please."Copy !req
531. Mm...Copy !req
532. Come on, guys! Jump him!Copy !req
533. Candygram.Copy !req
534. - Yes, what can I...Copy !req
535. We've got plenty of time,
but we don't have any more room left.Copy !req
536. - Ted, we're outta control.
- What?Copy !req
537. The next place we stop we gotta try and
figure out what's wrong with the booth.Copy !req
538. Bill, I think I got an idea
what's wrong.Copy !req
539. What?Copy !req
540. The antenna's broken.Copy !req
541. Yeah! All right.Copy !req
542. Come on, let's ditch him.Copy !req
543. Hold on there.
Not so fast, buddy.Copy !req
544. - Buddy?
- You ain't paid yet.Copy !req
545. - Pay?
- Pay.Copy !req
546. I don't want to see you
around here anymore! Beat it!Copy !req
547. Beat it, buddy!Copy !req
548. Idiot!Copy !req
549. Deacon!Copy !req
550. Here is a treat
to make a minor prehistoric pit stopCopy !req
551. a bit more enjoyable.Copy !req
552. Thank you.Copy !req
553. Uh-oh.Copy !req
554. Thanks, guys.Copy !req
555. I sure hope this works.Copy !req
556. I think it's working, dude.Copy !req
557. Just a little farther...Copy !req
558. I hope!Copy !req
559. Hey! That's us.Copy !req
560. We're back in San Dimas.Copy !req
561. Yeah, only now it's not now.
It's last night.Copy !req
562. - Dude.
- What?Copy !req
563. Let's go talk to ourselves.Copy !req
564. Excellent.Copy !req
565. What do we say anyway, anyways?Copy !req
566. I don't know.
Let's go find out.Copy !req
567. Sixty-nine, dudes!Copy !req
568. Whoa!Copy !req
569. Look dudes, we've gotta go.Copy !req
570. Rufus!Copy !req
571. Listen to this dude Rufus,
he knows what he's talking about.Copy !req
572. Right. Oh, and Ted,
give my love to the princesses.Copy !req
573. - Who?
- You'll see.Copy !req
574. Gentlemen, is everything all right?Copy !req
575. Yeah, except how come
the number we dialed for San DimasCopy !req
576. brought us here
instead of to tomorrow, Rufus?Copy !req
577. Because in San Dimas
it is tomorrow, William.Copy !req
578. You have to dial one number higher.Copy !req
579. Oh, yeah. Thanks Rufus.Copy !req
580. And you better hurry,
because you don't have much time.Copy !req
581. What do you mean, Rufus?
We got ten hours left.Copy !req
582. You got two hours.Copy !req
583. Ted, you forgot to wind
your watch again.Copy !req
584. Even after you reminded yourself not to.Copy !req
585. Well, I better remind myself again.Copy !req
586. Ted, don't forget to wind your watch!Copy !req
587. Thanks, Rufus.Copy !req
588. Catch ya later, Bill and Ted.Copy !req
589. That conversation
made more sense this time.Copy !req
590. Ted, you're too tall, man.Copy !req
591. - Great, we made it!
- Huh?Copy !req
592. Whoa!Copy !req
593. - Who's the sefiorita? She's cute.
- It's his mom, dude.Copy !req
594. - Hi, guys.
- Hi, Missy. I mean Mom.Copy !req
595. Uh, Mrs. Preston, we'd like you
to meet some of our friends.Copy !req
596. Yeah, this is, uh, Dave Beethoven.Copy !req
597. Ah.Copy !req
598. And, uh... Maxine of Arc.
Missy.Copy !req
599. Herman the Kid.Copy !req
600. Bob Genghis Khan.Copy !req
601. - So-crates Johnson.
- Hi.Copy !req
602. Dennis Freud and, uh...Copy !req
603. Abraham Lincoln.Copy !req
604. Well, it's nice to meet you all.Copy !req
605. There are sodas in the fridge.Copy !req
606. Mom, can you give us a ride someplace?Copy !req
607. Bill, I'm not taking you anywhere
until you do your chores.Copy !req
608. Done!Copy !req
609. This is the San Dimas mall.Copy !req
610. And this is where people
of today's world hang out.Copy !req
611. All right, everybody,
watch your step getting off.Copy !req
612. Beethoven, make sure you
don't get sucked under.Copy !req
613. Everybody get together,
remember who your buddy is.Copy !req
614. So-crates, watch out
for your robe, dude.Copy !req
615. OK, follow me.Copy !req
616. You've got your Broadway down here,
and got your Sears over here.Copy !req
617. The stratification of our societyCopy !req
618. is much like Marie Antoinette's.Copy !req
619. The few possess much,
while the massesCopy !req
620. possess little
but their television sets.Copy !req
621. This dichotomy led to a revolutionCopy !req
622. in which Antoinette
and her husband were beheaded.Copy !req
623. Today, leaders are impeached
rather than beheaded.Copy !req
624. Still, while in her day, Marie
Antoinette said "Let them eat cake,"Copy !req
625. perhaps today she would say,
"Let them eat fast food."Copy !req
626. - Enjoy.
- OK, look around, see what you think.Copy !req
627. We'll be back as soon
as we find Napoleon. OK?Copy !req
628. Come on, dude, we don't got much time.Copy !req
629. Yes, but what do we...Copy !req
630. You ditched Napoleon?Copy !req
631. Deacon, do you realize you've stranded
one of Europe's greatest leadersCopy !req
632. - in San Dimas?
- He was a dick.Copy !req
633. Well... how are we gonna find him?Copy !req
634. OK, wait, if we were one of
the greatest generals in history,Copy !req
635. and we were stranded in San Dimas
for one day, where would we go?Copy !req
636. Waterloo!Copy !req
637. Eleven children, please.Copy !req
638. Are you OK?Copy !req
639. This is fun!Copy !req
640. Buddy, you're holding up the line!Copy !req
641. Come on, buddy.Copy !req
642. Come on, Napoleon.
Everybody's waiting for us.Copy !req
643. - No, no, no!
- Yes, yes, yes!Copy !req
644. Why be soft and flabby
when you can be firm and trim?Copy !req
645. When you can have a body that cries out,
"Look at me, admire me."Copy !req
646. With our specialized weight training
and aerobics program,Copy !req
647. we can help you attain the kind of body
you've only dreamed of having.Copy !req
648. - All right, let's go ladies!
- [up-tempo music plays]Copy !req
649. You guys are looking great!Copy !req
650. OK, jumping jacks. Jump! Jump!Copy !req
651. You a musician?Copy !req
652. Well here, try this.Copy !req
653. What is...?Copy !req
654. - What are they doing?Copy !req
655. Look at his sandals. Ooh!Copy !req
656. - I don't know.
- He's creepy.Copy !req
657. - Weird, huh?
- Oh, they're coming over.Copy !req
658. Hi. I'm Billy, this here is So-crates.Copy !req
659. - Socrates.
- We're from history.Copy !req
660. Hello, I'm Dr. Freud.
But you may call me Siggy.Copy !req
661. - Oh, my God!Copy !req
662. You both seem to be suffering
from a mild form of hysteria.Copy !req
663. You are such a geek.Copy !req
664. Way' to 90, egghead.Copy !req
665. - Geek!
- What is a "geek"?Copy !req
666. Huh...Copy !req
667. Oh...Copy !req
668. Oh.Copy !req
669. I need some help.
I've got a live one here.Copy !req
670. - OK...
- Thank you.Copy !req
671. I need the Lincoln hat
and the stupid beard back.Copy !req
672. You don't understand,
I'm Abraham Lincoln.Copy !req
673. Yeah, right. Ha, ha, ha.Copy !req
674. Now, come on, mister...Copy !req
675. This is my hat and my beard.
I am...!Copy !req
676. Keep it up!
You're looking great!Copy !req
677. YamCopy !req
678. Hey! That crazy there!Copy !req
679. - Son, hold it right there.
- Get that guy off there.Copy !req
680. Oh!Copy !req
681. Stop him!Copy !req
682. - Yee-haw!Copy !req
683. - Ya-ha!Copy !req
684. - No, Sig, over here.
- Sorry, miss.Copy !req
685. Excuse me, miss.Copy !req
686. - Move, move.
- Pardon me.Copy !req
687. Oh, no.Copy !req
688. I demand a lawyer.Copy !req
689. Don't get smart with me, buddy.
Let's go.Copy !req
690. Hey, there they are!Copy !req
691. Ah!Copy !req
692. All right, come on, Grandpa.Copy !req
693. Bogus!Copy !req
694. That's enough.Copy !req
695. Mom, can't you go any faster?Copy !req
696. I want to know why
you claim to be Sigmund Freud.Copy !req
697. Why do you claim
I'm not Sigmund Freud?Copy !req
698. Why do you keep asking me
these questions?Copy !req
699. Tell me about your mother.Copy !req
700. - Oh, God.
- Would you like a couch to lie on?Copy !req
701. No, I don't want a couch to lie on.Copy !req
702. All right, what's your name?Copy !req
703. Abraham Lincoln.Copy !req
704. That's L-I-N-C-Go-L-N.Copy !req
705. I know how to spell Lincoln.Copy !req
706. What's your birthday, Mr. Lincoln?Copy !req
707. February 12th, 1809.Copy !req
708. Everything is different,
but the same.Copy !req
709. Things are more moderner than before,Copy !req
710. bigger, and yet smaller.Copy !req
711. It's computers.Copy !req
712. - Take your time!Copy !req
713. San Dimas High School football rules!Copy !req
714. I can't believe
my dad arrested them all.Copy !req
715. What are we gonna do?Copy !req
716. OK, Ted, you go in and talk to your dad.
I'm gonna scope the place out.Copy !req
717. Missy, I mean Mom,
please keep an eye on Napoleon.Copy !req
718. Stay!Copy !req
719. All right, lock him up
with the rest of those wackos.Copy !req
720. - I am a lawyer, you know...
- Dad!Copy !req
721. - You pack your bags, Ted.
- What?Copy !req
722. You're going to military school.Copy !req
723. - But, Dad...
- No, I don't want to hear it, Ted.Copy !req
724. - But...
- Ted, you go homeCopy !req
725. and you pack your bags, now!Copy !req
726. - How'd it go?
- Bad.Copy !req
727. Our historical figures are all locked up
and my dad won't let them out.Copy !req
728. Can we get your dad's keys?Copy !req
729. I could steal them,
but he lost them two days ago.Copy !req
730. If only we could go back in time to
when he had them and steal them then.Copy !req
731. Well, why can't we?Copy !req
732. 'Cause we don't got time.Copy !req
733. We could do it after the report.Copy !req
734. Ted, good thinking, dude!Copy !req
735. After the report, we'll time travel
back to two days ago,Copy !req
736. steal your dad's keys,
and leave them here.Copy !req
737. - Where?
- I don't know.Copy !req
738. How about behind that sign?Copy !req
739. That way, when we get here now,
they'll be waiting for us.Copy !req
740. - See?
- Whoa! Yeah!Copy !req
741. So, after the report we can't forget
to do this, otherwise it won't happen.Copy !req
742. But it did happen!
Hey, it was me who stole my dad's keys!Copy !req
743. Exactly, Ted.
Come on.Copy !req
744. - Mom?
- Yes?Copy !req
745. Can you please
bring the car around back?Copy !req
746. Sure.Copy !req
747. Come on, Ted. We've got
some historical figures to rescue.Copy !req
748. Over and out.Copy !req
749. How are we gonna get past my dad?Copy !req
750. You got a tape recorder at home?Copy !req
751. - Yeah.
- OK.Copy !req
752. - Remember to get the tape recorder.
- Yeah.Copy !req
753. Set a timer on it for, uh... 2:13.Copy !req
754. - Got it?
- Got it!Copy !req
755. What am I gonna say on it?Copy !req
756. Dad! Hey, Dad!Copy !req
757. It's you, dude.Copy !req
758. Ted?Copy !req
759. I'm over here.Copy !req
760. Yeah, this way.Copy !req
761. Whoa. Check it out.Copy !req
762. "Dear Bill and Ted,
good luck on the report.Copy !req
763. Sincerely, Bill S. Preston, Esquire
and Ted "Theodore" Logan."Copy !req
764. That was nice of us.Copy !req
765. "P.S. Duck!"Copy !req
766. - Excellent work, dude.
- Way to go!Copy !req
767. Come on.Copy !req
768. - Shh!Copy !req
769. - Time is of the essence.Copy !req
770. May I ask that you all work together
so that we can get down to the car.Copy !req
771. Very quiet now. Quiet.Copy !req
772. Against the wall.
Single file.Copy !req
773. - Hurry up, Billy.
- How do we get out of here?Copy !req
774. Over here, Dad.Copy !req
775. Down here!Copy !req
776. Way to go, dude.
We stalled him.Copy !req
777. What else do I say?Copy !req
778. And now, opening for Iron Maiden...Copy !req
779. Wyld Stallyns!Copy !req
780. - Come on, Bill, put your back into it.
- Ted?Copy !req
781. What in the hell
do you think you're doing?Copy !req
782. Trash can.
Remember a trash can!Copy !req
783. Trash can?
What are you talking about...?Copy !req
784. - Get this thing off me, Ted!
- Sorry, Dad,Copy !req
785. but we've got to go pass
our history report.Copy !req
786. - Oh, by the way, I found your keys.
- Ted!Copy !req
787. Ted, where are you?
Get this off me! Ted!Copy !req
788. In conclusion,
I think Abraham LincolnCopy !req
789. would be most impressed
with the world of San Dimas.Copy !req
790. - I know I am.
- [laughter, applause]Copy !req
791. - Down the hall, to the left.
- Quiet.Copy !req
792. And I'm sure I speak for Mr. Ward
and Mrs. Rowe when I sayCopy !req
793. that your reports were very entertainingCopy !req
794. and very informative for all of us.Copy !req
795. So, it seems we may be one report short
today, so we'll leave just a bit early.Copy !req
796. But once again, I want to thank you
all for your very hard work...Copy !req
797. - Hey, who turned out the lights?Copy !req
798. Hello, San Dimas.Copy !req
799. Please welcome,
for the final report of the afternoon,Copy !req
800. from all throughout history,Copy !req
801. some of the greatest people
who have ever lived,Copy !req
802. in their 1988 World Tour!Copy !req
803. How's it going?
I'm Billy the Kid.Copy !req
804. I'd like you all
to put your hands together.Copy !req
805. And now, my good friends,Copy !req
806. Bill S. Preston, Esquire,Copy !req
807. and Ted "Theodore" Logan! Whoo!Copy !req
808. - Thank you! Thank you!Copy !req
809. Hello, San Dimas High!Copy !req
810. Mr. Ryan, fellow distinguished
classmates, teachers, babes.Copy !req
811. Our first speaker was bornCopy !req
812. - in the year 470 B.C.
- Hi, long time no see.Copy !req
813. A time when much of the worldCopy !req
814. looked like the cover of the
Led Zeppelin album Houses of the Holy.Copy !req
815. We were there.Copy !req
816. There were many steps and columns,
it was most tranquil.Copy !req
817. He is sometimes known
as the father of modern thought.Copy !req
818. He was the teacher of Plato, who was in
turn the teacher of Aristotle.Copy !req
819. And like Ozzy Osbourne, was repeatedly
accused of corruption of the young.Copy !req
820. And since he doesn't speak English,
my friend Ted here,Copy !req
821. is going to interpret for him.Copy !req
822. So please welcome,
to tell us what he thinks of San Dimas,Copy !req
823. the most bodacious philosophizer
in Ancient Greece...Copy !req
824. Socrates!Copy !req
825. Is totally out of control. I got
a good idea where he gets it from.Copy !req
826. I mean if you and that wife of yours
would show a little disciplineCopy !req
827. maybe your son wouldn't be
such a bad influence.Copy !req
828. Is discipline your key
to the success with Ted?Copy !req
829. Yes, it is! He's going to an
Alaskan military school.Copy !req
830. He loves you best...Copy !req
831. in all the world.Copy !req
832. What are they doing up there?Copy !req
833. He also loves...Copy !req
834. baseball!Copy !req
835. Therefore, Ted's father's
own fear of failureCopy !req
836. has caused him to make his sonCopy !req
837. the embodiment of all of his ownCopy !req
838. deepest anxieties about himself.Copy !req
839. And, hence, his aggression
transference onto Ted.Copy !req
840. - Whoa!
- OK, Ted?Copy !req
841. Yes, thank you very much,
Sigmund Freud.Copy !req
842. Hm?Copy !req
843. Nah, just got a minor Oedipal complex.Copy !req
844. It is indeed a pleasure
to introduce to youCopy !req
845. a gentleman we picked up in
Medieval Mongolia in the year 1269.Copy !req
846. Please welcome
the very excellent barbarian...Copy !req
847. Mr. Genghis Khan.Copy !req
848. This is a dude who, 700 years ago,
totally ravaged China.Copy !req
849. And who we are told, two hours ago,Copy !req
850. totally ravaged
Oshman's Sporting Goods.Copy !req
851. A most bodacious soldier,
and general,Copy !req
852. Ms. Of Arc totally rousted
the English from France.Copy !req
853. And then turned this dude,
Dauphin, into a kingCopy !req
854. and all this
by the time she was 17.Copy !req
855. Waterslide.Copy !req
856. The music of Ludwig van Beethoven.Copy !req
857. As you can see,
Genghis very much enjoys TwinkiesCopy !req
858. because of the excellent sugar rush.Copy !req
859. He also loves billiards.Copy !req
860. Beethoven's favorite works
include Mozart's "Requiem,"Copy !req
861. Handel's "Messiah,"
and Bon Jovi's Slippery When Wet.Copy !req
862. To improve on the condition
of her armies,Copy !req
863. Joan of Arc plans on instituting
a full scale aerobics programCopy !req
864. on her return to France.Copy !req
865. I don't think it's gonna work.Copy !req
866. No?Copy !req
867. He loves...Copy !req
868. He loves San Dimas.Copy !req
869. And now, for our last speaker.Copy !req
870. One of the greatest presidents
in American history...Copy !req
871. Mr. Abraham Lincoln.Copy !req
872. Four score and...Copy !req
873. seven minutes ago,Copy !req
874. we, your forefathers,Copy !req
875. were brought forth
upon a most excellent adventure.Copy !req
876. Conceived by our new friends...Copy !req
877. Bill...Copy !req
878. and Ted.Copy !req
879. These two great gentlemenCopy !req
880. are dedicated to a propositionCopy !req
881. which was true in my time,Copy !req
882. just as it's true today.Copy !req
883. Be excellent to each other...Copy !req
884. and... party on, dudes!Copy !req
885. - No...
- Way!Copy !req
886. Thank you, San Dimas High!Copy !req
887. We want more! We want more!Copy !req
888. Intro.Copy !req
889. I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire.Copy !req
890. - Bill?
- What's up, Ted?Copy !req
891. Well... we traveled through time.Copy !req
892. I mean, we met lots of great leaders,Copy !req
893. and we got an A-plus
on our history report...Copy !req
894. but look at us, nothing's different.Copy !req
895. Maybe it's time we get Eddie Van Halen.Copy !req
896. Maybe we should start
learning how to play.Copy !req
897. Maybe you're right, Ted.Copy !req
898. Hello, again, my excellent friends.Copy !req
899. Whoa!Copy !req
900. Congratulations on passing
your history report.Copy !req
901. Rufus.Copy !req
902. The babes!Copy !req
903. We looked all over England for you.Copy !req
904. Where'd you get those savory clothes?Copy !req
905. Rufus introduced us
to a place called the mall.Copy !req
906. And something called credit cards.Copy !req
907. I got them out of England
just before they had to marryCopy !req
908. those royal ugly dudes.Copy !req
909. Way to go Rufus.Copy !req
910. How can we ever thank you, Rufus?Copy !req
911. Well, you can start
by signing this for my kids.Copy !req
912. Why?Copy !req
913. They're big fans of yours.Copy !req
914. - What?
- Everyone is.Copy !req
915. Wyld Stallyns' music has become
the foundation of our whole society.Copy !req
916. No way.Copy !req
917. Yes way.Copy !req
918. In fact, I believe you were there.Copy !req
919. That futuristic place with the domes?Copy !req
920. And the totally excellent music.Copy !req
921. They totally worshipped us there, Rufus.Copy !req
922. I know.Copy !req
923. That's why I was sent to make sure
you passed your history report.Copy !req
924. If you guys were separated it would have
been disastrous for life as we know it.Copy !req
925. You see, eventually your music will help
put an end to war and poverty.Copy !req
926. It will align the planets and
bring them into universal harmony,Copy !req
927. allowing meaningful contact
with all forms of life,Copy !req
928. from extraterrestrial beings
to common household pets.Copy !req
929. And... it's excellent for dancing.Copy !req
930. - Whoa.Copy !req
931. Why don't you have the ladies
sign as well, would you please?Copy !req
932. - After all, they are in the band.
- They are?Copy !req
933. - Excellent.
- Excellent.Copy !req
934. Where are you going, Rufus?Copy !req
935. I got a surprise for you.Copy !req
936. - Here.Copy !req
937. That's to help you
as you start your new band.Copy !req
938. Thanks, Rufus.Copy !req
939. Now I just have one further
humble request.Copy !req
940. If I might be so honored
to jam with you?Copy !req
941. - Do you know how to play, Rufus?
- Well, I play a little.Copy !req
942. - Whoa!Copy !req
943. Most outstanding, Rufus.Copy !req
944. Let's jam.Copy !req
945. - Bill, my friend?
- Yes, Ted, my friend?Copy !req
946. This has been
a most excellent adventure.Copy !req
947. - One...
- Two...Copy !req
948. One, two, three, four!Copy !req
949. They do get better.Copy !req
950. English - US - PSDHCopy !req