1. Hi. Welcome to the future.Copy !req
2. San Dimas, California, 2688,Copy !req
3. and I'm telling you,
it's great here.Copy !req
4. The air is clean.
The water's clean.Copy !req
5. Even the dirt is clean.Copy !req
6. Bowling averages are way up.Copy !req
7. Mini-golf scores are way down.Copy !req
8. And we have more
excellent water slidesCopy !req
9. than any other planet
we communicate with.Copy !req
10. I'm telling you, this place is great.Copy !req
11. But it almost wasn't.Copy !req
12. You see, 700 years ago, the two
great ones ran into a few problems.Copy !req
13. So now I have to travel
back in time to help them out.Copy !req
14. If I should fail to keep these two
on the correct path,Copy !req
15. the basis of our society
will be in danger.Copy !req
16. Don't worry, it'll all make sense.
I'm a professional.Copy !req
17. I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire.Copy !req
18. And I'm Ted "Theo..."Copy !req
19. - Bill, here, you take it.
- OK.Copy !req
20. - And I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan.
- Yeah!Copy !req
21. And we're Wyld Stallyns!Copy !req
22. Let's bail.Copy !req
23. We blew it.Copy !req
24. Guess we used too much power.Copy !req
25. I liked it.Copy !req
26. Ted, while I agree that in time
our band will be most triumphant,Copy !req
27. the truth is, Wyld Stallyns
will never be a super bandCopy !req
28. until we have
Eddie Van Halen on guitar.Copy !req
29. Yes, Bill, but... I do not believe
we will get Eddie Van HalenCopy !req
30. until we have a triumphant video.Copy !req
31. Ted, it's pointless to have
a triumphant videoCopy !req
32. before we even have
decent instruments.Copy !req
33. Well, how can we have decent instruments
when we don't really even know how to play?Copy !req
34. That is why we need Eddie Van Halen.Copy !req
35. And that is why
we need a triumphant video.Copy !req
36. - Excellent!
- Excellent!Copy !req
37. Uh-oh.Copy !req
38. - We're late.
- For what?Copy !req
39. - For school, dude.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
40. Bill, I'm waiting.Copy !req
41. He's dead?Copy !req
42. So Bill, what you're telling me,
essentially,Copy !req
43. is that Napoleon was
a short, dead dude.Copy !req
44. Well, yeah.Copy !req
45. You totally blew it, dude.Copy !req
46. - Ted, stand up.
- Stand up?Copy !req
47. Yes, son, stand up.Copy !req
48. Now... who was Joan of Arc?Copy !req
49. Noah's wife?Copy !req
50. Listen guys, don't forget, tomorrow,
final report, 1:30 to 3:30, OK?Copy !req
51. Hey, guys.Copy !req
52. Mr. Ryan, before you say anything,Copy !req
53. my distinguished colleague Ted and I
wish to express to you our thanksCopy !req
54. for all the things
we have learned in your class.Copy !req
55. And what have you learned?Copy !req
56. We have, uh...Copy !req
57. We've learned that the
world has a great history.Copy !req
58. Yes, and that thanks
to great leadersCopy !req
59. Such as... Genghis Khan,Copy !req
60. Joan of Arc, and Socratic Method,Copy !req
61. the world is... full of history.Copy !req
62. It seems to me
the only thing you have learnedCopy !req
63. is that Caesar...Copy !req
64. is a salad dressing dude.Copy !req
65. Bill, Ted, this is really quite simple.Copy !req
66. You have flunked
every section of this class.Copy !req
67. Now unless you get an A-plus
on your final oral report tomorrow...Copy !req
68. guys, I have no choice
but to flunk the both of you.Copy !req
69. Now you know your topics,
so I would suggest that you at leastCopy !req
70. cover those areas
if you want to pass the course.Copy !req
71. - Understand?
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
72. OK.Copy !req
73. Guys.Copy !req
74. Your report had better be
something very special.Copy !req
75. Ah, man.Copy !req
76. Well, what are we
supposed to know for our report?Copy !req
77. I'm not sure.Copy !req
78. One thing I know is that
Joan of Arc is not Noah's wife.Copy !req
79. Well then, who is Noah's wife?Copy !req
80. I don't know, Ted.Copy !req
81. But I do know
we're in serious trouble.Copy !req
82. Listen to this:Copy !req
83. "Express to the class how
an important historical figureCopy !req
84. "from each of your time periods would
view the world of San Dimas, 1988."Copy !req
85. We are in danger of flunking
most heinously tomorrow, Ted.Copy !req
86. Hi, Bill.
Want a ride?Copy !req
87. Sure, Missy.Copy !req
88. I mean, Mom.Copy !req
89. - Your stepmom's cute.
- Shut up, Ted.Copy !req
90. Remember when she was
a senior and we were freshmen?Copy !req
91. Shut up, Ted!Copy !req
92. I'll be right back,
as soon as I get my books.Copy !req
93. Ted.Copy !req
94. What are you doing home, Dad?Copy !req
95. - I'm looking for my keys.
- Oh.Copy !req
96. You haven't done anything
with them, have you?Copy !req
97. No, sir.Copy !req
98. I spoke to your principal today, Ted.Copy !req
99. He said you're failing history.Copy !req
100. - Me and Bill...
- He also saidCopy !req
101. that if you fail history,
you flunk out of school.Copy !req
102. You know what that would mean,
don't you, Ted?Copy !req
103. That I would have to go
to Oats Military Academy, sir.Copy !req
104. Uh-huh.
I spoke to Colonel Oats this morning.Copy !req
105. He's anxious to meet you, Ted.Copy !req
106. Dude, we gotta pass.
Otherwise there's no more band.Copy !req
107. Why?Copy !req
108. My dad's sending me to military school.Copy !req
109. Where?Copy !req
110. Alaska.Copy !req
111. Alaska...Copy !req
112. It is time.Copy !req
113. Their separation is imminent.Copy !req
114. Be excellent to each other.Copy !req
115. Party on, dude.Copy !req
116. OK, Ted.
George Washington.Copy !req
117. the father of our country.Copy !req
118. born on President's Day.Copy !req
119. the dollar bill guy.Copy !req
120. Bill, you ever made a mushroom
out of his head?Copy !req
121. Ted... Alaska.Copy !req
122. OK. Um...Copy !req
123. Had wooden teeth, chased Moby Dick.Copy !req
124. That's Captain Ahab, dude.Copy !req
125. Oh, wait. Remember Disney World,
the Hall of Presidents?Copy !req
126. Yeah, good, what'd he say?Copy !req
127. "Welcome to the Hall of Presidents."Copy !req
128. Hi, I brought you guys some food.Copy !req
129. It's your mom, dude!Copy !req
130. How's it going, guys?Copy !req
131. Bad.Copy !req
132. We are destined to flunk most
egregiously tomorrow.Copy !req
133. And I am destined to end up
at Oats Military Academy.Copy !req
134. And then we will never start our band.Copy !req
135. Good. Good.Copy !req
136. - What are you guys studying anyway?
- History.Copy !req
137. - Mr. Ryan?
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
138. Tell him, "hi".Copy !req
139. Why don't you guys take a dinner break?Copy !req
140. Thanks, Dad.Copy !req
141. Now your dad's going for it...
in your own room!Copy !req
142. Shut up, Ted.Copy !req
143. - Your stepmom is cute, though.
- Shut up, Ted.Copy !req
144. Remember when I asked her
to the prom?Copy !req
145. Shut up, Ted!Copy !req
146. 1275, 1275, 1275...Copy !req
147. OK, the lady in that car over thereCopy !req
148. said that Marco Polo
was in the year 1275.Copy !req
149. So it's not just a water sport,
I knew it.Copy !req
150. Excuse me,
when did the Mongols rule China?Copy !req
151. I don't know.
I just work here.Copy !req
152. Well, you wanna try the Thrifty Mart?Copy !req
153. Sure.Copy !req
154. Whoa!Copy !req
155. Not bad.Copy !req
156. Greetings, my excellent friends.Copy !req
157. Do you know when
the Mongols ruled China?Copy !req
158. Well... perhaps we could ask them.Copy !req
159. Bill S. Preston, Esquire...Copy !req
160. and Ted "Theodore" Logan.Copy !req
161. Gentlemen, I'm here to help you
with your history report.Copy !req
162. What?Copy !req
163. How?Copy !req
164. Whoa!Copy !req
165. - Whoo!
- I hate that part.Copy !req
166. - Bill?
- What?Copy !req
167. Strange things are afoot
at the Circle K.Copy !req
168. Dudes, you guys
are gonna go back in time.Copy !req
169. Yeah!Copy !req
170. You are going to have a most excellent
adventure through history.Copy !req
171. - Who are you guys?
- We're you, dude!Copy !req
172. No way. No way!Copy !req
173. - Yes way, Ted!
- Look, we know how you feel.Copy !req
174. We didn't believe it either
when we were youCopy !req
175. and we-us said what we-us
are saying right now.Copy !req
176. OK wait, if you guys are really us...Copy !req
177. what number are we thinking of?Copy !req
178. Sixty-nine, dudes!Copy !req
179. Whoa!Copy !req
180. Look, we've gotta go.Copy !req
181. Yeah, we gotta get back to the report.Copy !req
182. Rufus!Copy !req
183. Listen to this dude, Rufus.
He knows what he's talking about.Copy !req
184. Right. Oh, and Ted,
give my love to the princesses.Copy !req
185. - Who?
- You'll see.Copy !req
186. Gentleman... is everything all right?Copy !req
187. Yeah, except, how come...Copy !req
188. Ted, don't forget to wind your watch!Copy !req
189. Thanks, Rufus.Copy !req
190. Catch ya later, Bill and Ted.Copy !req
191. Dude, are you sure
we should be doing this?Copy !req
192. Ted, you and I have
witnessed many things,Copy !req
193. but nothing as bodacious
as what just happened.Copy !req
194. Besides, we told ourselves
to listen to this guy.Copy !req
195. What if we were lying?Copy !req
196. Why would we lie to ourselves?Copy !req
197. How are you gonna help us?Copy !req
198. Yeah, are you gonna call someone
and get the answers?Copy !req
199. Gentlemen, we're gonna do
a lot more than that.Copy !req
200. Whoa. Excellent.Copy !req
201. Brace yourselves, amigos.Copy !req
202. Gentlemen...Copy !req
203. we're history.Copy !req
204. Rufus, where are we, dude?Copy !req
205. These are the circuits
of history, gentlemen.Copy !req
206. They'll take us to
any point in time we wish.Copy !req
207. How?Copy !req
208. Modern technology, William.Copy !req
209. Whoa!Copy !req
210. - That was most unprecedented, Rufus.
- Yeah.Copy !req
211. But where are we, Rufus?Copy !req
212. Austria, 1805.
The French have just invaded.Copy !req
213. Bill, check it out!Copy !req
214. We're in the middle of a war, dude!Copy !req
215. Amigos, time to depart.Copy !req
216. How's it going, dude?Copy !req
217. Blow them up.Copy !req
218. MOVE IT!Copy !req
219. Now where are we, dude?Copy !req
220. Oh, it's my house.Copy !req
221. Rufus, can we go anywhere we want,
at any time?Copy !req
222. Gentlemen, you can do anything you want,
as long as you remember this:Copy !req
223. no matter what happens,
you must get to that report. Got it?Copy !req
224. All right, amigos, that book
will give you the numberCopy !req
225. of any place you want to go.
Now, most important,Copy !req
226. no matter what you do,
no matter where you go,Copy !req
227. that clock, the clock in San Dimas,
is always running. Got it?Copy !req
228. - Yeah.
- All right, time for me to go.Copy !req
229. What do you mean, Rufus?Copy !req
230. Yeah, aren't you coming with us?Copy !req
231. Gentlemen, you're on your own.Copy !req
232. - Ted?
- What?Copy !req
233. This has been a most unusual day.Copy !req
234. - Ted, it's Napoleon.
- Who?Copy !req
235. The short, dead dude
from our history review.Copy !req
236. Ted, I have a most excellent idea.Copy !req
237. Grab his legs, we gotta get him inside.Copy !req
238. I think I've figured out a way
to pass our report.Copy !req
239. How?Copy !req
240. Well, we've got one
historical figure here.Copy !req
241. Maybe we can go back
and get some more.Copy !req
242. Yeah!Copy !req
243. Deacon,
you have to watch this guy.Copy !req
244. His name is Napoleon.
He is a very famous French dude.Copy !req
245. We have decided to collect other
important figures from historyCopy !req
246. for an oral report we are doing.Copy !req
247. While we are gone, you are
not to let him out of your sight.Copy !req
248. Here is some money.Copy !req
249. Take him to the movies or something.Copy !req
250. Napoleon, I am Bill.Copy !req
251. We'll take you back to France after you
tell us what you think of San Dimas.Copy !req
252. - This is Ted's little brother, Deacon.
- Hi.Copy !req
253. He'll take care of you.Copy !req
254. - Ready, Ted?
- Ready, Bill.Copy !req
255. Let's go back into history.Copy !req
256. This should be most triumphant.Copy !req
257. I want to speak with you, son.Copy !req
258. Alone, please, Bill?Copy !req
259. All right, sit down.Copy !req
260. What am I gonna do with you, huh?
You can't...Copy !req
261. Great.Copy !req
262. You lose my keys.
You fail history.Copy !req
263. You spend all your time
with your loser friendCopy !req
264. planning a band that'll never happen.Copy !req
265. Now you're not to leave this house again
until tomorrow morning.Copy !req
266. - Yes?
- Captain Logan?Copy !req
267. This is Deputy Van Halen
down at the station.Copy !req
268. Deputy Van Halen?Copy !req
269. I'm new, dude... sir.Copy !req
270. Look, we found your keys,Copy !req
271. and if you want 'em,
you better come and get 'em.Copy !req
272. When I get back from the station,
I want you packed and ready to go.Copy !req
273. Got it?Copy !req
274. We are in serious trouble.Copy !req
275. My dad already signed me up,
my plane leaves tomorrow night.Copy !req
276. Only if we fail, dude.Copy !req
277. No way!Copy !req
278. OK, we got Sigmund Frood,
Beeth-oven... Uh...Copy !req
279. Is there one for Western Movement
in America in the 19th Century?Copy !req
280. Yeah!Copy !req
281. Well then...Copy !req
282. let's reach out
and touch someone.Copy !req
283. How's it going, Old West Dude?Copy !req
284. Hey, Bill,
this is just like Frontierland.Copy !req
285. Yeah,
but you can get shot here, Ted.Copy !req
286. Oh.Copy !req
287. - Just try to act natural.
- OK.Copy !req
288. - Howdy, partner.
- Howdy.Copy !req
289. Watch out
for the horse crap, Ted.Copy !req
290. Ugh. Thanks, dude.Copy !req
291. - Hey, Bill, I'm totally thirsty.
- Me too.Copy !req
292. Two beers, please.Copy !req
293. Whoa! He didn't even card us, dude!Copy !req
294. Yeah, we have to
remember this place.Copy !req
295. So, who should we take with us?Copy !req
296. - Who's he?
- He's Billy the Kid.Copy !req
297. He's famous, dude.
Let's bag him.Copy !req
298. I need two men.Copy !req
299. Who's with me?Copy !req
300. We're with you, Billy the Kid!Copy !req
301. Here's the deal.
What I win, I keep.Copy !req
302. What you win, I keep.Copy !req
303. Sounds good, Mr. The Kid.Copy !req
304. Dude, you gotta have
a poker face, like me.Copy !req
305. Whoa! Three aces!Copy !req
306. What the hell's going on here, Billy?Copy !req
307. Are you a-cheatin' us, Kid?Copy !req
308. Cheatin'?Copy !req
309. Me?Copy !req
310. Billy!Copy !req
311. Excellent!Copy !req
312. Look, we're totally weak.Copy !req
313. We can't possibly fight you.Copy !req
314. However, how would you gentlemen like...Copy !req
315. free passes to Waterloops?Copy !req
316. Home of excellent water slides.Copy !req
317. Nice try, dude.Copy !req
318. Whoa!Copy !req
319. - Whoa!
- Whoa!Copy !req
320. What?Copy !req
321. Come on.Copy !req
322. - Look!
- It's the Goodyear blimp.Copy !req
323. Huh?Copy !req
324. I can't believe
they fell for that!Copy !req
325. Yeah!Copy !req
326. - Let's get 'em!
- Let's kill 'em!Copy !req
327. Come on!Copy !req
328. - You guys saved my life.
- Nothing doing, Billy the Kid.Copy !req
329. - Where we going?
- The Golden Age of Civilisation.Copy !req
330. - Where?
- Ancient Greece, dude.Copy !req
331. Don't worry, we'll bring you back here
as soon as you talk in our report.Copy !req
332. What?Copy !req
333. What the...?Copy !req
334. Socrates.Copy !req
335. - Hey, we know that name.
- Yeah!Copy !req
336. Hey, look him up.Copy !req
337. - Oh. It's under So-crates.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
338. "So-Copy !req
339. "'The only true wisdom consists
in knowing that you know nothing."'Copy !req
340. - That's us, dude!
- Oh, yeah!Copy !req
341. - Let's bag him.
- Yeah.Copy !req
342. So you see...Copy !req
343. our lives are but
specks of dustCopy !req
344. falling through the fingersCopy !req
345. of time.Copy !req
346. How's it going?Copy !req
347. I'm Bill, this is Ted.Copy !req
348. We're from the future.Copy !req
349. Socrates. Hm...Copy !req
350. Now what?Copy !req
351. I don't know.Copy !req
352. Philosophise with him.Copy !req
353. All we are is dust in the wind, dude.Copy !req
354. Dust.Copy !req
355. - Wind.
- Dude.Copy !req
356. Yes! Like sands of the hourglass,Copy !req
357. Yes! Like sands of the hourglass,
so are the days of our lives.Copy !req
358. Let's get out of here, dude.Copy !req
359. Whoa!Copy !req
360. All right!Copy !req
361. Yee-ha!Copy !req
362. Not bad, eh, So-crates?Copy !req
363. - Where are we, dude?
- England, 15th century.Copy !req
364. We are in most excellent shape
for our report.Copy !req
365. Yeah, all we need
is one more speaker from medieval.Copy !req
366. Excellent.Copy !req
367. Billy, you are dealing
with the oddity of time travelCopy !req
368. with the greatest of ease.Copy !req
369. Excuse me.Copy !req
370. Do you know where there are any
personages of historical significanceCopy !req
371. around here?Copy !req
372. Whoa!Copy !req
373. Check it out.Copy !req
374. It must be the castle of King Henry.Copy !req
375. Let's go, dude!Copy !req
376. Billy, guard the booth.Copy !req
377. And watch So-crates.Copy !req
378. So-crates.Copy !req
379. So, who should we get from medieval?Copy !req
380. How about that gnarly old goat dude?Copy !req
381. Ted?Copy !req
382. I'm in love, dude.Copy !req
383. Whoa!Copy !req
384. Those must be the princesses you
told yourself about at the Circle K.Copy !req
385. We gotta go, it's a history report,
not a babe report.Copy !req
386. But Bill...Copy !req
387. those are historical babes.Copy !req
388. OK, you're the ladies man,Copy !req
389. how we gonna meet 'em?Copy !req
390. Excellent.Copy !req
391. - Bill?
- What?Copy !req
392. - These are heavy.
- Yeah, heavy metal.Copy !req
393. We gotta go find the princesses.Copy !req
394. Yeah.Copy !req
395. Watch it!Copy !req
396. Who turned out all the lights?Copy !req
397. - Hey, Bill?
- What?Copy !req
398. I'm Darth Ted.Copy !req
399. Yeah, well I'm Luke Bill.
And you're not my father!Copy !req
400. Come on!Copy !req
401. Beat you I will, yes.Copy !req
402. Hey!Copy !req
403. I totally conquered you, dude!Copy !req
404. No way!Copy !req
405. Come on!Copy !req
406. I'll never rule the universe with you.Copy !req
407. - Hey, Bill.
- What?Copy !req
408. We totally
know how to sword fight.Copy !req
409. Yeah!Copy !req
410. Ah! Whoa!Copy !req
411. Ted.Copy !req
412. Ted.Copy !req
413. Search the castle,
there might be more of them.Copy !req
414. Get out of here!Copy !req
415. Bogus.Copy !req
416. Heinous.Copy !req
417. Most non-triumphant.Copy !req
418. Ah, Ted...Copy !req
419. don't be dead, dude.Copy !req
420. You killed Ted, you medieval dickweed!Copy !req
421. Whoa!Copy !req
422. - Ted, you're alive!
- Yeah!Copy !req
423. I fell out of my suit
when I hit the floor.Copy !req
424. Fag.Copy !req
425. Dude, you totally
boned that dude in the head!Copy !req
426. Yeah!Copy !req
427. He's a total bonehead.Copy !req
428. that fat old man. I must find
a way to escape before the night.Copy !req
429. But how?Copy !req
430. - What's that?
- Whoa...Copy !req
431. It's those boys.Copy !req
432. I can't believe they're here.Copy !req
433. How's it going, ladies?Copy !req
434. You're the ones we saw
in front of the castle.Copy !req
435. I am Ted of San Dimas.Copy !req
436. And, uh... I bring to you
a message of love.Copy !req
437. - From who?
- From... from myself.Copy !req
438. And what is this message you speak of?Copy !req
439. Uh...Copy !req
440. Lyrics, dude.
Recite 'em some lyrics.Copy !req
441. Oh, you beautiful babes from England,Copy !req
442. for whom we have travelled through time.Copy !req
443. Will you go to the prom
with us in San Dimas?Copy !req
444. - We will have a most triumphant time.
- Way to go, dude.Copy !req
445. - Joanna! Elizabeth!
- It's father!Copy !req
446. - What does your father want?
- We're to be marriedCopy !req
447. - to two horrible old men today.
- No way!Copy !req
448. Will you help us escape?Copy !req
449. Of course, babes.Copy !req
450. How's it going, royal ugly dudes?Copy !req
451. I am the Earl of Preston.Copy !req
452. And I am the Duke of Ted.Copy !req
453. Put them in the iron maiden.Copy !req
454. Iron Maiden?Copy !req
455. Excellent!Copy !req
456. Execute them!Copy !req
457. Bogus.Copy !req
458. We'll save you, babes!Copy !req
459. Witches! Heretics!Copy !req
460. I saw them!
They fell from the sky!Copy !req
461. Heretics!Copy !req
462. They fell out of the sky!Copy !req
463. They had fire in their eyes,
and they had horns!Copy !req
464. Off with their heads!Copy !req
465. Oh, no.Copy !req
466. - Bill?
- What?Copy !req
467. I believe our adventure through time
has taken a most serious turn.Copy !req
468. Huh?Copy !req
469. - Billy!
- So-crates!Copy !req
470. Let's go!Copy !req
471. - Guards! After them!
- Ah!Copy !req
472. - So-crates!
- Bye, babes!Copy !req
473. Catch you later, medieval dudes.Copy !req
474. Kill them! Guards!Copy !req
475. Stop them! Stop them!Copy !req
476. Hurry up, Billy!Copy !req
477. Get out of the way!Copy !req
478. Move out of the way!
Come on, get out of here!Copy !req
479. Whoa!Copy !req
480. Dial fast, dude!Copy !req
481. I'm sorry, the number you have
dialled is not in service at this time.Copy !req
482. Please check your directory
and dial again.Copy !req
483. - Oh, no.
- Party on, dude.Copy !req
484. Bill!Copy !req
485. OK, I got one, let's go!Copy !req
486. You guys stay here.Copy !req
487. Where are we, dude?Copy !req
488. I don't know.Copy !req
489. They sure do play excellent music.Copy !req
490. Most outstanding.Copy !req
491. - It's you.
- Yeah!Copy !req
492. It's us!Copy !req
493. Who are we?Copy !req
494. Bill, I think they
want us to say something.Copy !req
495. What should I say?Copy !req
496. Make something up.Copy !req
497. Be excellent to each other.Copy !req
498. Party on, dudes!Copy !req
499. Good one, dude.Copy !req
500. Well, we gotta get back to our report.Copy !req
501. Yeah, we'd take you with us,Copy !req
502. but it's a history report,
not a future report.Copy !req
503. Later.Copy !req
504. Later.Copy !req
505. Let's get back
and do our report.Copy !req
506. Good idea.Copy !req
507. - Dude, where're we going?
- I don't know.Copy !req
508. I think the booth's broke.Copy !req
509. We gotta keep going to San Dimas
until we get back and get Napoleon.Copy !req
510. Behold.Copy !req
511. Behold, the Ziggie Pig.Copy !req
512. The single greatest ice cream
spectacle known to man.Copy !req
513. Eat the pig. Eat the pig.Copy !req
514. Ziggie, Ziggie, Ziggie, Zig!Copy !req
515. Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
516. It's ice cream. You eat it.Copy !req
517. It's good.Copy !req
518. La glacé.Copy !req
519. Whatever, just eat it.Copy !req
520. Hm...Copy !req
521. All behold, he ate the pig.Copy !req
522. Thus proving that he is a... Ziggie Piggy,Copy !req
523. Ziggie Piggy, Ziggie Piggy.Copy !req
524. What's that?Copy !req
525. I don't know.Copy !req
526. - Oh, shit!
- Whoa!Copy !req
527. Where'd we land now?Copy !req
528. Dude, it's Sigmund Frood.Copy !req
529. How much time have we got left?Copy !req
530. Tonnes! Why?Copy !req
531. Extra credit, dude!Copy !req
532. How's it going, Frood dude?Copy !req
533. This must be a dream.Copy !req
534. Let go of me.
What are you doing?Copy !req
535. Come on, So-crates.Copy !req
536. Welcome aboard, Ms. Joan of Arc.Copy !req
537. My name's Ted, and this is Bill.Copy !req
538. Oh!Copy !req
539. Want a Twinkie, Genghis Khan?Copy !req
540. Say "please".Copy !req
541. Mm...Copy !req
542. Come on, guys! Jump him!Copy !req
543. Candygram.Copy !req
544. Yes, what can I...Copy !req
545. We've got plenty of time,
but we don't have any more room left.Copy !req
546. - Ted, we're outta control.
- What?Copy !req
547. The next place we stop, we gotta try and
figure out what's wrong with the booth.Copy !req
548. Bill, I think I got an idea
what's wrong.Copy !req
549. What?Copy !req
550. The antenna's broken.Copy !req
551. Yeah! All right.Copy !req
552. Shit!Copy !req
553. Shit! Shit!Copy !req
554. Shit! Shit! Shit!Copy !req
555. Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!Copy !req
556. Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Shit!Copy !req
557. Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Shit! Shit!Copy !req
558. Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Shit! Shit! Shit!Copy !req
559. Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!Copy !req
560. Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!Copy !req
561. Come on, let's ditch him.Copy !req
562. Attendre! Attendre!Copy !req
563. Excusez-moi, monsieur!Copy !req
564. Hold on there.
Not so fast, buddy.Copy !req
565. - Buddy?
- You ain't paid yet.Copy !req
566. - Pay?
- Pay.Copy !req
567. I don't want to see you
around here anymore! Beat it!Copy !req
568. Beat it, buddy!Copy !req
569. Idiot!Copy !req
570. Deacon!Copy !req
571. Here is a treat to make
our minor prehistoric pit stopCopy !req
572. a bit more enjoyable.Copy !req
573. Thank you.Copy !req
574. Uh-oh.Copy !req
575. Thanks, guys.Copy !req
576. I sure hope this works.Copy !req
577. I think it's working, dude.Copy !req
578. Just a little farther...Copy !req
579. I hope!Copy !req
580. Hey! That's us.Copy !req
581. We're back in San Dimas.Copy !req
582. Yeah, only now it's not now.
It's last night.Copy !req
583. - Dude.
- What?Copy !req
584. Let's go talk to ourselves.Copy !req
585. Excellent.Copy !req
586. What do we say, anyways?Copy !req
587. I don't know.
Let's go find out.Copy !req
588. Sixty-nine, dudes!Copy !req
589. Whoa!Copy !req
590. Look dudes, we've gotta go.Copy !req
591. Rufus!Copy !req
592. Listen to this dude Rufus,
he knows what he's talking about.Copy !req
593. Right. Oh, and Ted,
give my love to the princesses.Copy !req
594. - Who?
- You'll see.Copy !req
595. Gentlemen, is everything all right?Copy !req
596. Yeah, except how come
the number we dialled for San DimasCopy !req
597. brought us here
instead of to tomorrow, Rufus?Copy !req
598. Because in San Dimas
it is tomorrow, William.Copy !req
599. You have to dial one number higher.Copy !req
600. Oh, yeah. Thanks, Rufus.Copy !req
601. And you better hurry,
because you don't have much time.Copy !req
602. What do you mean, Rufus?
We got ten hours left.Copy !req
603. - You got two hours.
- Huh?Copy !req
604. Ted, you forgot to wind
your watch again.Copy !req
605. Even after you reminded yourself not to.Copy !req
606. Well, I better remind myself again.Copy !req
607. Ted, don't forget to wind your watch!Copy !req
608. Thanks, Rufus.Copy !req
609. Catch ya later, Bill and Ted.Copy !req
610. That conversation
made more sense this time.Copy !req
611. - Watch the gonads, dude.
- You're too tall, man.Copy !req
612. - Great, we made it!
- Huh?Copy !req
613. Whoa!Copy !req
614. Who's the señorita? She's cute.Copy !req
615. It's his mom, dude.Copy !req
616. - Hi, guys.
- Hi, Missy. I mean Mom.Copy !req
617. Uh, Ms. Preston, we'd like you
to meet some of our friends.Copy !req
618. Yeah, this is, uh, Dave Beeth-oven.Copy !req
619. Ah.Copy !req
620. And, uh... Maxine of Arc. Missy.Copy !req
621. Herman the Kid.Copy !req
622. Bob Genghis Khan.Copy !req
623. - So-crates Johnson.
- Hi.Copy !req
624. Dennis Frood and, uh...Copy !req
625. Abraham Lincoln.Copy !req
626. Well, it's nice to meet you all.Copy !req
627. There's sodas in the fridge.Copy !req
628. Mom, can you give us a ride someplace?Copy !req
629. Bill, I'm not taking you anywhere
until you do your chores.Copy !req
630. Done!Copy !req
631. This is the San Dimas mall.Copy !req
632. And this is where people
of today's world hang out.Copy !req
633. All right, everybody,
watch your step getting off.Copy !req
634. Beeth-oven, make sure you
don't get sucked under.Copy !req
635. Everybody get together,
remember who your buddy is.Copy !req
636. So-crates, watch out
for your robe, dude.Copy !req
637. OK, follow me.Copy !req
638. You've got your Broadway down here,
and got your Sears over here.Copy !req
639. The stratification of our societyCopy !req
640. is much like Marie Antoinette's.Copy !req
641. The few possess much,
while the massesCopy !req
642. possess little
but their television sets.Copy !req
643. This dichotomy led to a revolutionCopy !req
644. in which Antoinette
and her husband were beheaded.Copy !req
645. Today, leaders are impeached
rather than beheaded.Copy !req
646. Still, while in her day, Marie
Antoinette said "Let them eat cake",Copy !req
647. perhaps today she would say,
"Let them eat fast food".Copy !req
648. - Enjoy.
- OK, look around, see what you think.Copy !req
649. We'll be back as soon
as we find Napoleon. OK?Copy !req
650. Come on, dude, we don't got much time.Copy !req
651. Yes, but what... what do we...Copy !req
652. You ditched Napoleon?Copy !req
653. Deacon, do you realise you've stranded
one of Europe's greatest leadersCopy !req
654. - in San Dimas?
- He was a dick.Copy !req
655. Well... how are we gonna find him?Copy !req
656. OK, wait, if we were one of
the greatest generals in history,Copy !req
657. and we were stranded in San Dimas
for one day, where would we go?Copy !req
658. Waterloop!Copy !req
659. Eleven children, please.Copy !req
660. Are you OK?Copy !req
661. Mon dieu!Copy !req
662. Buddy, you're holding up the line!Copy !req
663. Sacre bleu!Copy !req
664. Come on, buddy!Copy !req
665. Come on, Napoleon.
Everybody's waiting for us.Copy !req
666. - No, no, no!
- Yes, yes, yes!Copy !req
667. Why be soft and flabby
when you can be firm and trim?Copy !req
668. When you can have a body that cries out,
"Look at me, admire me".Copy !req
669. With our specialised weight training
and aerobics programme,Copy !req
670. we can help you attain the kind of body
you've only dreamed of having.Copy !req
671. All right, let's go ladies!Copy !req
672. You guys are looking great!Copy !req
673. OK, jumping jacks. Jump! Jump!Copy !req
674. You a musician?Copy !req
675. Well here, try this.Copy !req
676. What is...?Copy !req
677. What are they doing?Copy !req
678. Look at his sandals. Ooh!Copy !req
679. - I don't know.
- He's creepy.Copy !req
680. - Weird, huh?
- Oh, they're coming over.Copy !req
681. Hi. I'm Billy, this here is So-crates.Copy !req
682. - Socrates.
- We're from history.Copy !req
683. Hello, I'm Dr. Freud.
But you may call me Siggy.Copy !req
684. Oh, my God!Copy !req
685. You both seem to be suffering
from a mild form of hysteria.Copy !req
686. You are such a geek.Copy !req
687. Way to go, egghead.Copy !req
688. - Geek!
- What is a "geek"?Copy !req
689. Huh...Copy !req
690. Oh...Copy !req
691. Oh.Copy !req
692. I need some help.
I've got a live one here.Copy !req
693. - OK...
- Thank you.Copy !req
694. I need the Lincoln hat
and the stupid beard back.Copy !req
695. You don't understand.
I'm Abraham Lincoln.Copy !req
696. Yeah, right. Ha, ha, ha.Copy !req
697. Now, come on, mister...Copy !req
698. This is my hat and my beard!Copy !req
699. Keep it up!
You're looking great!Copy !req
700. Yaahh!Copy !req
701. Hey! That crazy there!Copy !req
702. - Son, hold it right there.
- Get that guy off there.Copy !req
703. Oh!Copy !req
704. Stop him!Copy !req
705. Yee-haw!Copy !req
706. Ya-ha!Copy !req
707. - No, Sig, over here.
- Sorry, miss.Copy !req
708. Excuse me, miss.Copy !req
709. - Move, move.
- Pardon me.Copy !req
710. Oh, no.Copy !req
711. I demand a lawyer.Copy !req
712. Don't get smart with me, buddy.
Let's go.Copy !req
713. Hey, there they are!Copy !req
714. Ah!Copy !req
715. All right, come on, Grandpa.Copy !req
716. Bogus!Copy !req
717. That's enough.Copy !req
718. Mom, can't you go any faster?Copy !req
719. I want to know why
you claim to be Sigmund Freud.Copy !req
720. Why do you claim
I'm not Sigmund Freud?Copy !req
721. Why do you keep asking me
these questions?Copy !req
722. Tell me about your mother.Copy !req
723. - Oh, God.
- Would you like a couch to lie on?Copy !req
724. No, I don't want a couch to lie on.Copy !req
725. All right, what's your name?Copy !req
726. Abraham Lincoln.Copy !req
727. That's L-I-N-C-O-L-N.Copy !req
728. I know how to spell Lincoln.Copy !req
729. What's your birthday, Mr. Lincoln?Copy !req
730. February 12th, 1809.Copy !req
731. Everything is different,
but the same.Copy !req
732. Things are more...
moderner than before,Copy !req
733. bigger...Copy !req
734. and yet smaller.Copy !req
735. It's computers.Copy !req
736. San Dimas High School football rules!Copy !req
737. I can't believe
my dad arrested them all.Copy !req
738. What are we gonna do?Copy !req
739. OK, Ted, you go in and talk to your dad.
I'm gonna scope the place out.Copy !req
740. Missy, I mean Mom,
please keep an eye on Napoleon.Copy !req
741. Stay!Copy !req
742. All right, lock him up
with the rest of those wackos.Copy !req
743. - I am a lawyer, you know...
- Dad!Copy !req
744. - You pack your bags, Ted.
- What?Copy !req
745. You're going to military school, Ted.Copy !req
746. - But, Dad...
- No, I don't want to hear it, Ted.Copy !req
747. - But...
- Ted, you go homeCopy !req
748. and you pack your bags, now!Copy !req
749. - How'd it go?
- Bad.Copy !req
750. Our historical figures are all locked up
and my dad won't let them out.Copy !req
751. Can we get your dad's keys?Copy !req
752. I could steal them,
but he lost them two days ago.Copy !req
753. If only we could go back in time to
when he had them and steal them then.Copy !req
754. Well, why can't we?Copy !req
755. 'Cause we don't got time.Copy !req
756. We could do it after the report.Copy !req
757. Ted, good thinking, dude!Copy !req
758. After the report, we'll time travel
back to two days ago,Copy !req
759. steal your dad's keys,
and leave them here.Copy !req
760. - Where?
- I don't know.Copy !req
761. How about behind that sign?Copy !req
762. That way, when we get here now,
they'll be waiting for us.Copy !req
763. - See?
- Whoa! Yeah!Copy !req
764. So, after the report we can't forget
to do this, otherwise it won't happen.Copy !req
765. But it did happen!
Hey, it was me who stole my dad's keys!Copy !req
766. Exactly, Ted.
Come on.Copy !req
767. - Mom?
- Yes?Copy !req
768. Can you please
bring the car around back?Copy !req
769. Sure.Copy !req
770. Come on, Ted. We've got
some historical figures to rescue.Copy !req
771. Over and out.Copy !req
772. How are we gonna get past my dad?Copy !req
773. You got a tape recorder at home?Copy !req
774. - Yeah.
- OK.Copy !req
775. - Remember to get the tape recorder.
- Yeah.Copy !req
776. Set a timer on it for, uh... 2:13.Copy !req
777. - Got it?
- Got it!Copy !req
778. What am I gonna say on it?Copy !req
779. Dad! Hey, Dad!Copy !req
780. It's you, dude.Copy !req
781. Ted?Copy !req
782. I'm over here.Copy !req
783. Yeah, this way.Copy !req
784. Whoa. Check it out.Copy !req
785. "Dear Bill and Ted,
good luck on the report.Copy !req
786. "Sincerely, Bill S. Preston, Esquire
and Ted "Theodore" Logan."Copy !req
787. That was nice of us.Copy !req
788. "P.S. Duck!"Copy !req
789. - Excellent work, dude.
- Way to go!Copy !req
790. Come on.Copy !req
791. Shh!Copy !req
792. Great people,
time is of the essence.Copy !req
793. May I ask that you all work together
so that we can get down to the car.Copy !req
794. Very quiet now. Quiet.Copy !req
795. Against the wall.
Single file.Copy !req
796. - Hurry up, Billy.
- How do we get out of here?Copy !req
797. Over here, Dad.Copy !req
798. Down here!Copy !req
799. Way to go, dude.
We stalled him.Copy !req
800. What else do I say?Copy !req
801. And now, opening for Iron Maiden...Copy !req
802. Wyld Stallyns!Copy !req
803. - Come on, Bill, put your back into it.
- Ted?Copy !req
804. What in the hell
do you think you're doing?Copy !req
805. Trash can.
Remember a trash can!Copy !req
806. Trash can?
What are you talking about?Copy !req
807. - Get this thing off me, Ted!
- Sorry, Dad,Copy !req
808. but we've got to go pass
our history report.Copy !req
809. - Oh, by the way, I found your keys.
- Ted!Copy !req
810. Ted, where are you?
Get this off me! Ted!Copy !req
811. In conclusion,
I think Abraham LincolnCopy !req
812. would be most impressed
with the world of San Dimas.Copy !req
813. I know I am.Copy !req
814. - Down the hall, to the left.
- Quiet.Copy !req
815. And I'm sure I speak for Mr. Ward
and Mrs. Rowe when I sayCopy !req
816. that your reports were very entertainingCopy !req
817. and very informative for all of us.Copy !req
818. So, it seems we may be one report short
today, so we'll leave just a bit early.Copy !req
819. But once again, I want to thank you
all for your very hard work...Copy !req
820. Hey, who turned out the lights?Copy !req
821. Hello, San Dimas.Copy !req
822. Please welcome,
for the final report of the afternoon,Copy !req
823. from all throughout history,Copy !req
824. some of the greatest people
who have ever lived,Copy !req
825. in their 1988 World Tour!Copy !req
826. How's it going?
I'm Billy the Kid.Copy !req
827. I'd like y'all
to put your hands together.Copy !req
828. And now, my good friends,Copy !req
829. Bill S. Preston, Esquire,Copy !req
830. and Ted "Theodore" Logan!
Yee-haw!Copy !req
831. Thank you! Thank you!Copy !req
832. Hello, San Dimas High!Copy !req
833. Mr. Ryan, fellow distinguished
classmates, teachers, babes.Copy !req
834. Our first speaker was bornCopy !req
835. - in the year 470 B.C.
- Hi, long time no see.Copy !req
836. A time when much of the worldCopy !req
837. looked like the cover of the
Led Zeppelin album "Houses of the Holy".Copy !req
838. We were there.Copy !req
839. There were many steps and columns.
It was most tranquil.Copy !req
840. He is sometimes known
as the father of modern thought.Copy !req
841. He was the teacher of Plato, who was in
turn the teacher of Aristotle.Copy !req
842. And, like Ozzy Osbourne, was repeatedly
accused of corruption of the young.Copy !req
843. And since he doesn't speak English,
my friend Ted here,Copy !req
844. is going to interpret for him.Copy !req
845. So please welcome,
to tell us what he thinks of San Dimas,Copy !req
846. the most bodacious philosophiser
in Ancient Greece...Copy !req
847. Socrates!Copy !req
848. is totally out of control. And I think I got
a pretty good idea where he gets it from.Copy !req
849. I mean if you and that wife of yours
would show a little disciplineCopy !req
850. maybe your son wouldn't be
such a bad influence.Copy !req
851. Oh, is discipline your key
to the success with Ted?Copy !req
852. Yes, it is! He's going to an
Alaskan military school!Copy !req
853. He loves you best...Copy !req
854. in all the world.Copy !req
855. What are they doing up there?Copy !req
856. He also loves...Copy !req
857. baseball!Copy !req
858. Therefore, Ted's father's
own fear of failureCopy !req
859. has caused him to make his sonCopy !req
860. the embodiment of all of his ownCopy !req
861. deepest anxieties about himself.Copy !req
862. And, hence, his aggression
transference onto Ted.Copy !req
863. - Whoa!
- OK, Ted?Copy !req
864. Yes, thank you very much,
Sigmund Freud.Copy !req
865. Hm?Copy !req
866. Nah, just got a minor Oedipal complex.Copy !req
867. It is indeed a pleasure
to introduce to youCopy !req
868. a gentleman we picked up in
Medieval Mongolia in the year 1269.Copy !req
869. Please welcome
the very excellent barbarian...Copy !req
870. Mr. Genghis Khan.Copy !req
871. This is a dude who, 700 years ago,
totally ravaged China.Copy !req
872. And who we are told, two hours ago,Copy !req
873. totally ravaged
Oshman's Sporting Goods.Copy !req
874. A most bodacious soldier,
and general,Copy !req
875. Miss Of Arc totally rousted
the English from France.Copy !req
876. And then she turned this dude,
Dauphin, into a king,Copy !req
877. and all this
by the time she was 17.Copy !req
878. waterslide.Copy !req
879. The music of Ludwig van Beethoven.Copy !req
880. As you can see,
Genghis very much enjoys TwinkiesCopy !req
881. because of the excellent sugar rush.Copy !req
882. He also loves billiards.Copy !req
883. Beethoven's favourite works
include Mozart's "Requiem",Copy !req
884. Handel's "Messiah",
and Bon Jovi's "Slippery When Wet".Copy !req
885. To improve on the condition
of her armies,Copy !req
886. Joan of Arc plans on instituting
a full scale aerobics programmeCopy !req
887. on her return to France.Copy !req
888. I don't think it's gonna work.Copy !req
889. No?Copy !req
890. Triomphe, Napoleon.Copy !req
891. He loves...Copy !req
892. He loves San Dimas.Copy !req
893. And now, for our last speaker.Copy !req
894. One of the greatest presidents
in American history...Copy !req
895. Mr. Abraham Lincoln.Copy !req
896. Four score and...Copy !req
897. seven minutes ago,Copy !req
898. we, your forefathers,Copy !req
899. were brought forth
upon a most excellent adventure.Copy !req
900. Conceived by our new friends...Copy !req
901. Bill...Copy !req
902. and Ted.Copy !req
903. These two great gentlemenCopy !req
904. are dedicated to a propositionCopy !req
905. which was true in my time,Copy !req
906. just as it's true today.Copy !req
907. Be excellent to each other...Copy !req
908. and...Copy !req
909. Party on, dudes!Copy !req
910. - No...
- Way!Copy !req
911. Thank you, San Dimas High!Copy !req
912. We want more! We want more!Copy !req
913. Intro.Copy !req
914. I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire.Copy !req
915. - Bill?
- What's up, Ted?Copy !req
916. Well...Copy !req
917. we travelled through time.Copy !req
918. I mean, we met lots of great leaders,Copy !req
919. and we got an A-plus
on our history report...Copy !req
920. but look at us, nothing's different.Copy !req
921. Maybe it's time we get Eddie Van Halen.Copy !req
922. Maybe we should start
learning how to play.Copy !req
923. Maybe you're right, Ted.Copy !req
924. Hello, again, my excellent friends.Copy !req
925. Whoa!Copy !req
926. Congratulations on passing
your history report.Copy !req
927. Rufus.Copy !req
928. The babes!Copy !req
929. We looked all over England for you.Copy !req
930. Where'd you get those savoury clothes?Copy !req
931. Rufus introduced us
to a place called the mall.Copy !req
932. And something called credit cards.Copy !req
933. I got them out of England
just before they had to marryCopy !req
934. those royal ugly dudes.Copy !req
935. Way to go, Rufus.Copy !req
936. How can we ever thank you, Rufus?Copy !req
937. Well, you can start
by signing this for my kids.Copy !req
938. Why?Copy !req
939. They're big fans of yours.Copy !req
940. - What?
- Everyone is.Copy !req
941. Wyld Stallyns' music has become
the foundation of our whole society.Copy !req
942. No way.Copy !req
943. Yes way.Copy !req
944. In fact, I believe you were there.Copy !req
945. That futuristic place with the domes?Copy !req
946. And the totally excellent music.Copy !req
947. They totally worshipped us there, Rufus.Copy !req
948. I know.Copy !req
949. That's why I was sent to make sure
you passed your history report.Copy !req
950. If you guys were separated, it would have
been disastrous for life as we know it.Copy !req
951. You see, eventually your music will help
put an end to war and poverty.Copy !req
952. It will align the planets and
bring them into universal harmony,Copy !req
953. allowing meaningful contact
with all forms of life,Copy !req
954. from extraterrestrial beings
to common household pets.Copy !req
955. And...Copy !req
956. it's excellent for dancing.Copy !req
957. Whoa.Copy !req
958. Why don't you have the ladies
sign as well, would you please?Copy !req
959. - After all, they are in the band.
- They are?Copy !req
960. - Excellent.
- Excellent.Copy !req
961. Where are you going, Rufus?Copy !req
962. I got a surprise for you.Copy !req
963. Here.Copy !req
964. That's to help you
as you start your new band.Copy !req
965. Thanks, Rufus.Copy !req
966. Now I just have one further
humble request.Copy !req
967. If I might be so honoured
to jam with you?Copy !req
968. - Do you know how to play, Rufus?
- Well, I play a little.Copy !req
969. Whoa!Copy !req
970. Most outstanding, Rufus.Copy !req
971. Let's jam.Copy !req
972. - Bill, my friend?
- Yes, Ted, my friend?Copy !req
973. This has been
a most excellent adventure.Copy !req
974. - One...
- Two...Copy !req
975. One, two, three, four!Copy !req
976. They do get better.Copy !req