1. 'My name is Charlie Wood...Copy !req
2. 'I think I made a big mistake.'Copy !req
3. Higher...Copy !req
4. I can't, sweetheart.
Any higher, you're gonna hit the moon.Copy !req
5. And get a bump?Copy !req
6. That's right, smart girl,
and get a bump!Copy !req
7. Oh, hey! Emily, look who it is.Copy !req
8. - Hi, Isabella.
- Hi, Emilita.Copy !req
9. - There we go... Hi, how are you?
- Hey, great.Copy !req
10. OK, I've got her lunch,
an extra thermos of apple juice,Copy !req
11. her Elmo doll, Mr. Frizzles,
12 grapes in a bag...Copy !req
12. I got it, Mr. Wood.Copy !req
13. - Thanks. I'll see you at 5:00.
- OK.Copy !req
14. All right, sweetheart. Come here.
High five...Copy !req
15. First the Wyoming Widow,
now the Oregon Undertaker.Copy !req
16. They just pulled a dead girl
out of the reservoir.Copy !req
17. God! Suicide?Copy !req
18. If she chopped off her own arms and
legs before strangling herself, maybe.Copy !req
19. - Pen, I'm eating.
- They figure it's the Oregon Undertaker.Copy !req
20. That's the fourth girl in six months.Copy !req
21. Each one mutilated
and disemboweled...Copy !req
22. - Pen! Pen!
- Oh, sorry baby.Copy !req
23. Listen, Charlie. You don't
have to do this, you know.Copy !req
24. Course I do. We can't go on
living on one income.Copy !req
25. How many times have you
given Emily spaghettios?Copy !req
26. She likes spaghettios.Copy !req
27. Hey, baby. Trust me.
Once they buy your book...Copy !req
28. Not a single publisher has called, Pen.
Not a single one.Copy !req
29. 'The term
"black hole" is of very recent origin.Copy !req
30. 'It was coined in 1969
by the American scientist John... 'Copy !req
31. We handle
nearly 200,000 calls a dayCopy !req
32. the hotlines to some of the biggest
corporations in the country.Copy !req
33. - Sentel Online. Melanie speaking...
Melanie speaking. How can I help?Copy !req
34. Again, my name is Melanie.
Have a great day.Copy !req
35. Do you only hire women
named Melanie?Copy !req
36. It's a trick of the trade. Callers like
to think they get the same service rep.Copy !req
37. This here is the Melanie
and John section,Copy !req
38. and you are over here
with the Jennifers and Stephens.Copy !req
39. This is you.Copy !req
40. What do you mean this is me?
I was told I had a supervisor position.Copy !req
41. You gotta spend six months
in the trenchesCopy !req
42. before you can interview
for a supervisor.Copy !req
43. But I have a Ph.D.Copy !req
44. - Surely...
- Look. You want the job or not?Copy !req
45. - Yeah.
- Great!Copy !req
46. Gus here will help get you started.Copy !req
47. - OK, Stephen.
- It's Charlie.Copy !req
48. Sure it is!Copy !req
49. In the File menu do you see
where it says Open?Copy !req
50. Okey-dokey. Can you open
the Open menu?Copy !req
51. Okey-dokey. Again, my name is
Stephen. Thank you for calling Sentel.Copy !req
52. 'I actually liked Gus
at first sight.'Copy !req
53. - Welcome to hell, dickhead!
- 'Maybe not at first.'Copy !req
54. - I'm sorry?
- Hell!Copy !req
55. People hooked up to machines
like slaves.Copy !req
56. And the smell...
It's pure underarm.Copy !req
57. OK, so what do we do here?Copy !req
58. Sentel Online, Stephen speaking.
How may I help you?Copy !req
59. Okey-dokey, ma'am. Have you
checked to see if your PC is on?Copy !req
60. No, I'm not a retard.
That's simply the protocol...Copy !req
61. Sorry.Copy !req
62. Okey-dokey. I'm gonna check that
with my supervisor real quickCopy !req
63. and I'm gonna put you on hold.Copy !req
64. You feel feisty, you whiney
little turkey-necked bitch?Copy !req
65. Why don't you hop up on my dick
and see if that fires your monitor?Copy !req
66. Hello, ma'am. Thanks for waiting.Copy !req
67. I'm gonna transfer you over to our
technical service department.Copy !req
68. Okey-dokey? Please hold...Copy !req
69. In the kingdom of the blind,
the one-eyed dwarf is king!Copy !req
70. That's my wife, Stephanie.
Ex-wife! Keep forgetting!Copy !req
71. And that there is my little daughter,
Thais.Copy !req
72. - That's a pretty name.
- Yeah, it's Greek. It means 'Beloved'.Copy !req
73. Thais has this problem
with her eye pressureCopy !req
74. and the doctor said if she doesn't get
a cornea transplant in a yearCopy !req
75. then she's gonna go blind.Copy !req
76. Every year, 65,000 diabeticsCopy !req
77. develop Proliferative Retinopathy,Copy !req
78. one of the leading precursors
to blindness.Copy !req
79. She's not diabetic.Copy !req
80. Ahem! So, are you gonna be able
to afford the surgery before she...Copy !req
81. Yeah, I hope so. If everything,
you know, goes as expected.Copy !req
82. What do you mean?Copy !req
83. I have a plan.Copy !req
84. Oh, hells bells!Copy !req
85. 'You see,
Stephen, I'm 65 years old nowCopy !req
86. 'and my husband is asking me to do it
donkey-style... 'Copy !req
87. OK, ma'am. I'm going to transfer you to
our technical department. Please hold...Copy !req
88. - Good god...
- Are you expecting a call?Copy !req
89. Sentel Online, this is Charlie, er...
Stephen. How can I help you?Copy !req
90. 'Yeah, my IP Address is stuck on 169.'Copy !req
91. OK, Sir. Have you checked
to make sure your computer is on?Copy !req
92. - 'Didn't you hear what I said? '
- Yes.Copy !req
93. Oh, IP Address. IP Address...Copy !req
94. Here we go. Your IP Address
should start with 81.Copy !req
95. So... does it?Copy !req
96. 'I told you it was stuck on 169!
Do the cleaners answer the phones? 'Copy !req
97. - Sir...
- 'No, don't sir me, asshole!Copy !req
98. 'Just help me out
with my fucking problem! 'Copy !req
99. Please hold on while I check
with our technical department.Copy !req
100. Yes, sir. Your wife is one
of 3.8 percent of American womenCopy !req
101. who engage in online chats with a
stranger, accompanied by masturbation.Copy !req
102. 'My wife died three months ago.Copy !req
103. 'But I'd like to discuss that
with your supervisor, Stephen.'Copy !req
104. Hey! Charlie, wait. Wait!Copy !req
105. - It's my fault.
- Don't worry about it. I'll be all right.Copy !req
106. - Look, you know I said I had a plan?
- Yep.Copy !req
107. Well, why don't you come in on it
with me?Copy !req
108. You know, be like a partner
or something?Copy !req
109. I sure as hell feel like I owe you one.Copy !req
110. - It's not illegal, is it?
- What? No...Copy !req
111. - Dickinson!
- Yeah. Right.Copy !req
112. Look, meet me at the Monkey Wrench,
nine o'clock. OK? Yeah.Copy !req
113. Choo-choo Charlie!Copy !req
114. Hey, Max. Two bottles of your finest
mass-produced lager, if you please.Copy !req
115. - So?
- Come here.Copy !req
116. So, I stumbled across the database
at work.Copy !req
117. The online history of each
and every member of Sentel Online.Copy !req
118. Look, this is their record of everyone
in the stateCopy !req
119. that went online in the last three months
and logged on to an illegal porn site.Copy !req
120. Now I figure there's gotta be
somebody in hereCopy !req
121. willing to fork over some coin
to keep things hush-hush.Copy !req
122. - They all look the same
- And yet they're not.Copy !req
123. - R-E-V Neville Smalls. What's R-E-V?
- Reverend.Copy !req
124. Exactly! It's brilliant, don't you think?Copy !req
125. - I don't think I'm criminal material...
- Wait, wait!Copy !req
126. We're talking about a man of the clothCopy !req
127. who likes to watch teenagers
take off their clothesCopy !req
128. and have god-knows-who
do god-knows-what to them!Copy !req
129. Who's the real criminal here?Copy !req
130. I tried to do things by the book, the
nine to five. You know where it got me?Copy !req
131. My daughter is about to go blind,
Charlie. Blind!Copy !req
132. - How much?
- 50 for me, 50 for you. Even hundred.Copy !req
133. A hundred?Copy !req
134. Thousand?Copy !req
135. - Dollars?
- Not much to preserve one's reputation.Copy !req
136. - What if somebody gets hurt?
- It's a non-violent enterprise.Copy !req
137. No harm done whatsoever. Pretty
much all I need is for you to be my alibi.Copy !req
138. - That's all?
- That's all.Copy !req
139. OK...Copy !req
140. Pick the blue one
and you go back to your old life.Copy !req
141. But pick the red one
and you finally get to be a free man.Copy !req
142. But, I must warn you, once you eat
the red one... there's no turning back.Copy !req
143. Yes! I gotta tell you,
I was a little nervous about going solo.Copy !req
144. OK. Rule number one
preparation is king.Copy !req
145. More than anything else,
we wanna rule out the element of...Copy !req
146. - Surprise!
- Jeez!Copy !req
147. Josie, how long were you sitting there?Copy !req
148. Long enough to ask how you'd feel
about bringing in a third.Copy !req
149. 'Here's the touching story
of how Gus met Josie.'Copy !req
150. Er... miss.Copy !req
151. - Yes, sir?
- I'm gonna get the cheque.Copy !req
152. - Why?
- Does the chef have curly hair?Copy !req
153. - No.
- I'm gonna get the cheque.Copy !req
154. - You work at the call center, huh?
- Yeah, how can you tell?Copy !req
155. - Well, half the town does.
- Right.Copy !req
156. - You have that look the rest of them do.
- What look is that?Copy !req
157. That how much longer till I drop dead
so I don't have to go to my stupid job!Copy !req
158. - That look.
- Yeah, that would be the one.Copy !req
159. - You from here?
- Nope. Oklahoma.Copy !req
160. - Oh, Oklahoma. What's that like?
- Nowhere near as sexy as you.Copy !req
161. - Ahem!
- I'll get that.Copy !req
162. So, care to hear about
our desert special?Copy !req
163. Wow! Jeez! You sure are a very
forthright and smart girl, ain't ya?Copy !req
164. That's what they said last year when
they crowned me Miss Teen Oklahoma.Copy !req
165. - What?
- What?Copy !req
166. - Miss Teen Oklahoma? Last year?
- Yeah.Copy !req
167. - How old are you?
- 18... more or less.Copy !req
168. Is it more or is it less?Copy !req
169. Well... less, I guess!Copy !req
170. Shit!Copy !req
171. - What the hell's matter with you?
- You're a child!Copy !req
172. Do I look like a child?Copy !req
173. OK... Ah! Is there anything else
you forgot to mention?Copy !req
174. - Who are you?
- Charlie Wood, Gus's former co-worker.Copy !req
175. Josie McBroom.
Gus and I were an item.Copy !req
176. - Ha!
- What?Copy !req
177. - I'm sorry to interrupt, but what...
- I want in.Copy !req
178. All right, read my lips, OK
no f... g way!Copy !req
179. - You guys can't do the job without me?
- Why?Copy !req
180. Because, dumb-dumb, I'm the only one
who can make the call.Copy !req
181. If the preacher records you
on his answer machineCopy !req
182. they'll try and match it up with
the voice records from the call center.Copy !req
183. You guys would be screwed,
stuffed and mounted.Copy !req
184. - Is that true?
- Kinda.Copy !req
185. How'd you work that out?Copy !req
186. I told you, I was Miss Teen Oklahoma.Copy !req
187. - How much do you want?
- 20,000.Copy !req
188. 20,000? For making a phone call?Copy !req
189. For making 'the' phone call.Copy !req
190. 'The average person makes
about 1,140 phone calls each year,Copy !req
191. 'none of which go anything like this.'Copy !req
192. May I speak to the Reverend Smalls,
please?Copy !req
193. Hi, Reverend. Are you familiar
with a website that goes by the name ofCopy !req
194. teen orgies dot com,
or young and hung dot com?Copy !req
195. Someone who knows what the mouse
plays when the wife's away.Copy !req
196. Listen, sicko. I have a list of all your
favorite sites, your credit card number,Copy !req
197. dates and times of all your connections,
so you better cut the crap!Copy !req
198. - What do I want?
- 100,000 dollars.Copy !req
199. 100,000 dollars.Copy !req
200. - 200,000.
- What?Copy !req
201. You heard me,
I want 200,000 dollars, cash.Copy !req
202. Take it or leave it. But if I don't have
my money by tomorrow evening,Copy !req
203. the next church newsletter
is gonna be a doozy!Copy !req
204. And I'll be sending somebody.Copy !req
205. Well, I think that somebody deserves
to made a full partner, don't you?Copy !req
206. Wait! I took a chance and it worked.Copy !req
207. Now we each get 70,000 dollars.Copy !req
208. It's actually 66,666,
followed by an infinite number of sixes.Copy !req
209. Thanks, Rain Man!Copy !req
210. From now on, anybody pulls
any out-of-the-blue stunts, she's out!Copy !req
211. If we're partners,
let's start acting like it.Copy !req
212. This is the plan - I go get the money
at 9:00 p.m. tomorrow.Copy !req
213. 'At the same time,
Charlie enters the Monkey WrenchCopy !req
214. 'and pretends we ran
out of gas on the road to Mill Creek.'Copy !req
215. He also says that I'm on my way
to the gas station,Copy !req
216. the one that opens 24/7, don't forget.Copy !req
217. 10:00 p.m., after I stash the money
in a locker at the railway station,Copy !req
218. I come back and tell everyone
about my walk in the dark.Copy !req
219. If it comes up, Charlie was at the bar,
I was at the gas station.Copy !req
220. The guy at the station
will say he never saw you.Copy !req
221. - Sure. You why? Cos he's blind.
- Oh, pretty brill!Copy !req
222. The following day we meet at noon,Copy !req
223. we divvy up the money
and go our respective ways.Copy !req
224. OK, now. Any questions?Copy !req
225. Why don't we just divvy up
the money immediately?Copy !req
226. Rule number two
always let the dust settle after a job.Copy !req
227. "Rule number two?" What, you've been
reading 'Blackmailing for Dummies'?Copy !req
228. Any questions? Great.Copy !req
229. Rule number three - no matter what
happens... always stick to the plan.Copy !req
230. 'The next day might have been
the longest one I'd ever known.Copy !req
231. 'For the first time
since I could rememberCopy !req
232. 'I'd be able to bring security
and happiness to my family.'Copy !req
233. 'I couldn't tell you
if what I felt was fear or excitement.'Copy !req
234. So, Mr. Supervisor, talk to me.
Do you have a secretary?Copy !req
235. - Yep.
- Is she pretty?Copy !req
236. Pretty?
Er... no, she's more nondescript.Copy !req
237. What's her name?Copy !req
238. - Sharon.
- Sharon?Copy !req
239. - Sharon what?
- Er... Stone.Copy !req
240. - Sharon Stone?
- I know!Copy !req
241. - So, how was your day?
- Oh, phenomenalCopy !req
242. And to top it off,
the FBI is sending in The Eye.Copy !req
243. - The what?
- The who?Copy !req
244. Bionic, supersonic Special Agent
Chester Hymes, FBI. AKA The Eye.Copy !req
245. Which is just what I need
with the Undertaker case out of control -Copy !req
246. no leads, no fingerprints, nothing.Copy !req
247. Honestly, why some folks suddenly
have to turn into criminals is beyond me.Copy !req
248. - What if I did?
- What if you did what?Copy !req
249. If I became a criminal.Copy !req
250. Like if I, er... stole some money,
or something.Copy !req
251. I'd arrest you.Copy !req
252. But let's say...
let's say I had to.Copy !req
253. Like we had no other choice
and I had to steal something, er...Copy !req
254. because I had to. What then?Copy !req
255. I'd arrest you.Copy !req
256. - Why?
- A good cop always gets her man!Copy !req
257. No... I'm serious, Pen.Copy !req
258. Why...Copy !req
259. Why should Emily have to put up
with second-hand toys,Copy !req
260. second-hand clothes,
a second-hand life?Copy !req
261. Charlie, you have your book, you have
me and Emily. And that makes us rich.Copy !req
262. Hi.Copy !req
263. Oh, what a crazy night!Copy !req
264. - My car ran out of gas...
- You gonna order?Copy !req
265. Sure. Beer, please.Copy !req
266. One of your finest, mass-produced...Copy !req
267. My friend, Gus... You know Gus.Copy !req
268. Gus Dickinson, works down
at the call center.Copy !req
269. Reverend Smalls?Copy !req
270. And that's where he is now
walking down that road to the station.Copy !req
271. Reverend Sma...Copy !req
272. Smalls...Copy !req
273. The old blind guy who runs the station
keeps it open 24/7.Copy !req
274. Old blind guy is celebrating his 80th
birthday tonight, young fella.Copy !req
275. Who the hell are you?Copy !req
276. Er... I'm the guy that's here
to collect the money.Copy !req
277. - Give me your gun.
- I don't have one.Copy !req
278. You've come to get money from me
and you ain't packing?Copy !req
279. Give my regards
to the big bearded guy.Copy !req
280. You don't mean Santa Claus, do you?Copy !req
281. Gus?Copy !req
282. Gus?Copy !req
283. Gus?Copy !req
284. Gus?Copy !req
285. Oh my...!Copy !req
286. 'if it's you, José, fuck
off! Everybody else, leave a message.'Copy !req
287. Josie? Josie? Pick up.Copy !req
288. Josie, are you there?
We have a real problem here. Pick up.Copy !req
289. Gus?Copy !req
290. Gus?Copy !req
291. Gus? Gus, are you there?Copy !req
292. Gus?Copy !req
293. Gus?Copy !req
294. - Oh!
- Oh my God!Copy !req
295. - What happened?
- What are you doing here?Copy !req
296. The station was closed.Copy !req
297. Our alibi! So I came here.Copy !req
298. - Whoa! Calm down
- What the hell happened?Copy !req
299. The bastard pulled a gun on me.
He was gonna shoot meCopy !req
300. and I grabbed the gun and it went off.
No biggy.Copy !req
301. - No biggy?
- I conked him on the head with a vase.Copy !req
302. He's gonna wake up any minute now.Copy !req
303. Oh, Gus...Copy !req
304. I think I made a big mistake.Copy !req
305. - Did you call the cops?
- I put him in the septic tank.Copy !req
306. - Who?
- The corpse.Copy !req
307. - What corpse?
- The reverend's corpse.Copy !req
308. The reverend wasn't a corpse
when I left him.Copy !req
309. - There was blood. I saw blood...
- It was my blood.Copy !req
310. He shot me through the leg.
Look, it went clean through the muscle.Copy !req
311. Oh my god.Copy !req
312. Why didn't you answer
when I called you?Copy !req
313. I was in the bathroom
cleaning the wound.Copy !req
314. I checked his pulse. I mean, well...Copy !req
315. - Maybe I missed it. 17 percent...
- You missed it?Copy !req
316. What? Can't we get him
out of the tank?Copy !req
317. - How long's he been down there?
- 10 minutes, tops.Copy !req
318. What?Copy !req
319. I thought I said, no matter what,
stick to the fucking plan.Copy !req
320. There wasn't anything
in the fucking planCopy !req
321. about the blind guy's birthday
and the reverend in a pool of blood!Copy !req
322. All right, let's calm down.Copy !req
323. - Don't you need a doctor?
- Yeah!Copy !req
324. There's a slightly more
pressing matter!Copy !req
325. - What are you doing?
- He's crying.Copy !req
326. Jesus, Gus. He's crying
for what we've done, for our sin.Copy !req
327. - Jesus. Hail Mary, full of grace...
- Bathtub.Copy !req
328. Goddammit! Is that part of your plan?Copy !req
329. After you kill someone
you take a nice hot bath?Copy !req
330. I didn't kill anybody, first of all.
Second, I don't pray to leaky ceilings!Copy !req
331. Well you know what,
I'm having a tough time here.Copy !req
332. I just drowned a man of the cloth
in crap!Copy !req
333. - Maybe I should turn myself in...
- No!Copy !req
334. Nobody is turning anybody inCopy !req
335. Now did you know the priest was alive
when you killed him?Copy !req
336. - No.
- There you go then.Copy !req
337. How could we have thought a reverend
would have 200,000 dollars in cash?Copy !req
338. The average savings of an
American couple between 35 and 50Copy !req
339. is 15,256 dollars.Copy !req
340. Charlie, Charlie...Copy !req
341. Shut up!Copy !req
342. Wait!Copy !req
343. No! Rule number four
never return to the crime scene.Copy !req
344. It's Josie's card, I left it by the phone.Copy !req
345. Rule number five - if your partner
is an idiot, forget rule number four.Copy !req
346. It's gone.Copy !req
347. Got it.Copy !req
348. Ow! What the fuck?Copy !req
349. Ow!Copy !req
350. Shouldn't we be going?Copy !req
351. Aren't you just a little curious?Copy !req
352. 'Have a look right there.
This beauty, huh?Copy !req
353. 'How are you? 'Copy !req
354. 'Look. This is for you, all right? 'Copy !req
355. - She's an actress, right?
- 'Shut up, all right?Copy !req
356. 'You like this, baby?
You like this? Right here?Copy !req
357. 'You like to feel that? Feel that. Yeah.Copy !req
358. 'Yeah. You know what this?
I am gonna carve your face up...Copy !req
359. 'Argh! 'Copy !req
360. 'Shut up! 'Copy !req
361. If I didn't know better, you know
what I'd say this looks like?Copy !req
362. A snuff film?Copy !req
363. Holy moly!Copy !req
364. - Who says Holy moly?
- Is it important right now?Copy !req
365. This is why he was so keen to cop
a deal. He's part of a snuff film ring.Copy !req
366. - We've gotta call the police.
- What are we gonna tell them?Copy !req
367. - Look, if they find the body...
- They're not gonna find the body.Copy !req
368. The septic tank was genius.
Look at it this way -Copy !req
369. we may have saved lives tonight.Copy !req
370. - You think he's the Oregon Undertaker?
- Who knows.Copy !req
371. He sure as hell got what he deserved.Copy !req
372. Charlie... Wait!Copy !req
373. You mind if I come in?Copy !req
374. What?Copy !req
375. We found the reverend's body.Copy !req
376. - It was an accident...
- This was no accident.Copy !req
377. Someone shot him three times
in the headCopy !req
378. and left him in his car
by the side of the road.Copy !req
379. That's a hard pill to swallow.
Murder always is.Copy !req
380. I'm sorry. Are you certain
that it's the Reverend Smalls?Copy !req
381. - Oh yeah. We've got a positive ID.
- Then who's...Copy !req
382. Who's what?Copy !req
383. Who is... safeCopy !req
384. in this godforsaken world...Copy !req
385. - You family?
- Yeah... No!Copy !req
386. Just a friend. A family friend.Copy !req
387. - And your name is?
- Stephen.Copy !req
388. Stephen Hawking.Copy !req
389. Mind if I...Copy !req
390. - You're watching a DVD, huh?
- Yeah... No!Copy !req
391. I mean... did you know that DVD salesCopy !req
392. have risen by 226 percent
over the last six months?Copy !req
393. Well... no.Copy !req
394. But I sure am 100 percent glad
to know that. Thanks for the factoid.Copy !req
395. So, er... can I get you a drink?Copy !req
396. A glass of H2O, if you please,
Mr. Hawking.Copy !req
397. There's some blood on the floor.Copy !req
398. - Mr. Hawking?
- Yeah. I, er...Copy !req
399. I broke a vase and, er...Copy !req
400. and accidentally cut my arm
on one of the shards.Copy !req
401. - Look...
- Oh, doggy!Copy !req
402. That hurts just looking at it.Copy !req
403. - What are you doing?
- Getting a sample. Standard procedure.Copy !req
404. 'Deputy Garmen, Detective
Wood wants you at the station.'Copy !req
405. Copy that.Copy !req
406. Detective Wood, always breathing
down my neck.Copy !req
407. Ain't had a good poke, if you ask me.Copy !req
408. I'm not asking, but whatever.Copy !req
409. Well, I'd better get a move on.Copy !req
410. Mmm... What a beautiful night.Copy !req
411. You could almost
touch those stars, huh?Copy !req
412. Yep.Copy !req
413. Although, even if you were traveling
the speed of lightCopy !req
414. it would take you 1,460 days
to reach the closest one.Copy !req
415. Is that right?Copy !req
416. Well you are just a walking
factoid factory, partner!Copy !req
417. You have yourself
a good night.Copy !req
418. You, too, officer.Copy !req
419. Oh... would you mind if I took a gander
at that DVD you were watching?Copy !req
420. Curiosity killed the cat, Officer.Copy !req
421. In my line of work, the cat gets a raise
and a promotion.Copy !req
422. My nine-year-old loves this one.Copy !req
423. Especially this part
with this singing cow.Copy !req
424. I've got to admit, Stephen...Copy !req
425. I thought you were hiding something.Copy !req
426. It kinda looks like
something got dragged here.Copy !req
427. You wanna come with me?Copy !req
428. I need you to lift this up for me,
Stephen.Copy !req
429. - Officer, you don't want to smell...
- Open it.Copy !req
430. So much for the raise
and the promotion, Officer!Copy !req
431. There we go.Copy !req
432. I knew Columbo here would come back
for the DVD. What do we do with him?Copy !req
433. - Who is in the septic tank?
- How do I know.Copy !req
434. Check the papers, see who's missing.Copy !req
435. And then what, Gus?
We killed somebody!Copy !req
436. - Oh, you killed somebody!
- Well, you kidnapped a cop!Copy !req
437. - Oh, yes, I did! What do you propose?
- I'm turning myself in.Copy !req
438. They'll say murdered
the real reverend.Copy !req
439. - I had nothing to do with that!
- So? What do they care?Copy !req
440. Makes it all nice and neat for them.
No messy loose ends.Copy !req
441. I'd bet good money they'll be all, "Gosh!
We finally caught the Undertaker!"Copy !req
442. You'll be spitting fire and crying sparks.Copy !req
443. Enough, OK? Let's not
make this worse than it is.Copy !req
444. Charlie, how could this be any worse?Copy !req
445. You're not going anywhere.Copy !req
446. You're gonna shoot me?Copy !req
447. I've got a family too, Charlie.
I am not going to jail.Copy !req
448. I am going to shoot you, Charlie!Copy !req
449. - No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.Copy !req
450. - No, you're not.
- Yes, I am!Copy !req
451. Shit!Copy !req
452. Ah! I knew you would...Copy !req
453. I wouldn't do that.Copy !req
454. Who the hell are you?Copy !req
455. Considering that I live here, young man,
the question is, "Who the hell are you?"Copy !req
456. It's not what you think, Mrs. Smalls.
We're not burglars.Copy !req
457. Look... we have some terrible news.Copy !req
458. Your husband, the reverend...Copy !req
459. has passed on.Copy !req
460. Considering I put three bullets
in his headCopy !req
461. I should certainly hope so!Copy !req
462. Mrs. Smalls, you have the right
to remain silent.Copy !req
463. - Anything you say...
- Oh, please!Copy !req
464. So you killed him?Copy !req
465. I spent years turning a blind eye
to that pervert's, er...Copy !req
466. shall we say filmmaking aspirations.Copy !req
467. Max and I felt we deserved
a share of his benefits.Copy !req
468. - Who's Max?
- A real man.Copy !req
469. We're going from here to somewhere
where we'll never worry ever again.Copy !req
470. - Er... Ahem!
- What?Copy !req
471. I think he may already be there.Copy !req
472. - What? He wouldn't leave without me.
- He didn't really have a choice.Copy !req
473. - It was an accident.
- OK!Copy !req
474. - Shut up...
- Why don't you both shut up!Copy !req
475. All right, where's the money?Copy !req
476. - Sorry, what money?
- Two million dollars doesn't just vanish!Copy !req
477. - Two...
- Yeah, where is it?Copy !req
478. Oh dear!Copy !req
479. I guess I'll just have to count to three.
One...Copy !req
480. - No, Mrs. Smalls!
- Tell her where it is.Copy !req
481. - We don't know!
- Two...Copy !req
482. Tell her!Copy !req
483. We'll, I'll be!
I haven't heard Pink Floyd in years.Copy !req
484. Well, pa, time to fire up
the old septic tank!Copy !req
485. By the way, what happened exactly?Copy !req
486. Sure. Charlie drowned the reverend,
who he thought was deadCopy !req
487. even though he wasn't,
in the septic tank.Copy !req
488. Turns out he wasn't the real reverend.Copy !req
489. The real reverend was murdered
by his wife,Copy !req
490. the woman whose head you split
with an axe - stellar timing!Copy !req
491. She planned to run away with her lover,
Max, now deceased, thanks to Charlie,Copy !req
492. and the two million dollars the reverend
raised from his side ventureCopy !req
493. in shooting and selling snuff films.
Okey-dokey?Copy !req
494. - Groovy!
- Groovy?Copy !req
495. Three people died tonight, Josie.Copy !req
496. In this business, unfortunately,
death is an occupational hazard.Copy !req
497. And by the way, way to go using
my name in front of the cop... Charlie!Copy !req
498. Hey, look. I can help.Copy !req
499. I'll testify that I heard Mrs. Smalls
confess to killing her husband.Copy !req
500. As for Mrs. Smalls, she was
threatening the life of a police officer.Copy !req
501. - What about the guy in the tank?
- You killed him by accident.Copy !req
502. You wouldn't do much time.
Five years, tops.Copy !req
503. Oh my God!Copy !req
504. Well that doesn't suck!Copy !req
505. I have to hand it to you.
That was a brilliant plan after all.Copy !req
506. Can you believe it? We're rich.Copy !req
507. You guys can keep my share.
I'm gonna turn myself in.Copy !req
508. If I go to jail, I go to jail.Copy !req
509. Don't be ridiculous! You earned this.Copy !req
510. They'll just hunt us down like animals.Copy !req
511. With this kind of money
you can disappear.Copy !req
512. I have a wife and daughter,
I don't want to disappear.Copy !req
513. Fine. Gus and I will leave the stateCopy !req
514. and we'll just drop you and the deputy
in the middle of nowhere.Copy !req
515. - How's that sound?
- Let's get rid of the deputy.Copy !req
516. - What?
- Good thinking!Copy !req
517. Since he's the only one who can testify
that we're innocent of the murder.Copy !req
518. OK, Miss Teen Oklahoma...Copy !req
519. Help!Copy !req
520. Help!Copy !req
521. Yes!Copy !req
522. - Hold his head.
- What are you doing?Copy !req
523. Just helping him relax a little.Copy !req
524. My friend here decided to surrender.Copy !req
525. We'll drop you both somewhere
and say goodbye.Copy !req
526. - You're making a big mistake.
- Let's get out of here.Copy !req
527. Wait, wait!Copy !req
528. I gotta go pee.Copy !req
529. - Please?
- OK.Copy !req
530. Wait...Copy !req
531. - The handcuffs.
- In your dreams!Copy !req
532. There are certain requirements...Copy !req
533. There. Enjoy!Copy !req
534. I'm sorry...Copy !req
535. I can't go if you're, er... watching.Copy !req
536. Could you just close...Copy !req
537. Stage fright!
It happens to the best of us.Copy !req
538. One minute warning.Copy !req
539. You dropped this.Copy !req
540. - No, I can explain... Argh!
- Get up, partner!Copy !req
541. - What the hell's the matter with you?
- It's a flight to Vegas.Copy !req
542. 8:00 a.m. We were supposed
to meet at noon to split the money.Copy !req
543. - That asshole broke my nose!
- You better have an explanation.Copy !req
544. All right, I lied about Thais needing
a cornea transplant. She's fine.Copy !req
545. - I owe my wife 300,000 bucks.
- I'm sorry?Copy !req
546. I owe my ex-wife 300,000 dollars
and because of her snake of a lawyerCopy !req
547. there is a restraining order against me
until I pay up.Copy !req
548. I have not seen or talked
to my daughter in two years.Copy !req
549. - Why not say?
- Would you have helped?Copy !req
550. - Of course not.
- Well, there you go, then!Copy !req
551. - Oh my God!
- There goes our alibi.Copy !req
552. Uh-uh! Freakin' fantastic!Copy !req
553. Don't you see? None of us
has to run away or turn ourselves in.Copy !req
554. What do you propose?
We roam the countryCopy !req
555. like Bonnie and Clyde... and Clyde?Copy !req
556. No. First, we take the cop's car
and crash it into a tree up the road.Copy !req
557. We put him and the reverend's wife
in her carCopy !req
558. and push it over the cliff
at Grouse Point.Copy !req
559. - They'd find the car in a couple of days.
- And what would the forensic figure?Copy !req
560. That the deputy was driving under
the influence of alcohol, crashed,Copy !req
561. flagged down another car
driven by Mrs. Smalls,Copy !req
562. took control of the wheel
and drove them off a cliff.Copy !req
563. And the wounds, they'd be more
than covered up by the crash.Copy !req
564. So the reverend gets murdered
on the same nightCopy !req
565. that his wife gets driven off a cliff
by a drunken cop?Copy !req
566. That doesn't sound very accidental.Copy !req
567. You know, he has a point... for once.Copy !req
568. OK, er... Then we plant Mrs. Smalls'
gun in the car with them.Copy !req
569. They figure it was the weapon
that killed the reverend.Copy !req
570. They think... maybe she had an affair
with the deputy,Copy !req
571. maybe they decide to off the reverend
and then maybe they had an accident.Copy !req
572. - That's a hell of a lot of maybes!
- Let's hear your bright idea, boss.Copy !req
573. Ooh! Old broad sure liked her food!Copy !req
574. Fancy body bags!Copy !req
575. - You're eating a lollypop?
- I didn't have dinner. I need the sugar.Copy !req
576. - Ow!
- Are you OK?Copy !req
577. Yeah. Let's just get this done.Copy !req
578. Can you go any slower?Copy !req
579. We don't wanna attract attention,
now do we?Copy !req
580. No, we don't wanna go back in time,
now do we?Copy !req
581. It's only by going faster than light that
one could theoretically go back in time.Copy !req
582. Yeah! Do me a favor -
shut the fuck up!Copy !req
583. You have some serious stress-related
issues. You're not Canadian, are you?Copy !req
584. Wh... What?Copy !req
585. The 2003 statistical report on the health
of Canadians states that 62 percent...Copy !req
586. What's wrong with you? You pull these
random facts and stats out of your ass,Copy !req
587. and nobody really gives a shit!Copy !req
588. - Guys!
- Jesus Christ, man!Copy !req
589. Charlie, here's a nifty stat for you -Copy !req
590. for a guy that knows everything,
to get a job in a call centerCopy !req
591. you have to be, bar none, the biggest
loser I have ever met in my life.Copy !req
592. And I'm from Las Vegas!Copy !req
593. You ever hear of a neurotransmitter
called acetylcholine?Copy !req
594. What?Copy !req
595. It's the chemical your brain uses
for memory... dummy.Copy !req
596. - Is it?
- Yeah, that's exactly right.Copy !req
597. See, the reason I lost my teaching job
is I have this disorder,Copy !req
598. typified by a gradual, acute
neuro-degenerationCopy !req
599. of the cerebral cortex.Copy !req
600. Or if that's too "pulled out of my ass"
for you, I'm slowly losing my memory.Copy !req
601. Are you making this up?Copy !req
602. The doctors think that, in a year or two,
my mind will be a total blank.Copy !req
603. So the only thing I can do
to slow things downCopy !req
604. is to keep working my memory
as much as possible.Copy !req
605. Do you remember
what's in the blue bag?Copy !req
606. What blue bag?Copy !req
607. Jeez, guy, I'm really sorry.
You know...Copy !req
608. Hey, Gus, what's the Greek word
for bullshit?Copy !req
609. - You sonofabitch!
- Stop it!Copy !req
610. Damn it! What the...Copy !req
611. - Are you fucking crazy?
- He lied to us again!Copy !req
612. He doesn't have a daughter...Copy !req
613. Is everyone OK in there?Copy !req
614. We're fine.Copy !req
615. Everything's fine.
So, thanks for coming over.Copy !req
616. - I think we should call the police.
- What?Copy !req
617. No, let's not bother them.
They've got a lot on their plate.Copy !req
618. You're fine, your car's fine.Copy !req
619. Yeah, but I'm pretty sure
that's standard procedure, isn't it?Copy !req
620. I'll be honest with you - I don't give
a rat's ass for standard procedure.Copy !req
621. Here, why don't you pack your fat ass
back in your carCopy !req
622. and buy yourself as big a sandwich
as your heart desires.Copy !req
623. Is that standard enough
procedure for you?Copy !req
624. - Your trunk is open.
- What?Copy !req
625. You all going on a trip somewhere?Copy !req
626. Sure looks you're packed for a long one.
Is that your entire wardrobe in there?Copy !req
627. No, it's a couple of dead bodies.Copy !req
628. - That was a good one!
- I'm glad you liked it...Copy !req
629. Oh, jeez!Copy !req
630. Oh, it's time for old stingy!Copy !req
631. What?Copy !req
632. Oh, it's insulin.Copy !req
633. Whatever!Copy !req
634. Freak show!Copy !req
635. - Ow!
- You sonofabitch!Copy !req
636. Granted, I lied, but I have
a responsibility towards myself.Copy !req
637. - When I got out of prison, I swore...
- What? What?Copy !req
638. You were in prison? For what?Copy !req
639. I kind of convinced some people
to invest in some businessesCopy !req
640. that weren't actually,
technically in existence.Copy !req
641. - Anything else you forgot, sociopath?
- Oh, come on!Copy !req
642. - Aren't you overreacting a bit?
- Overreacting?Copy !req
643. I happen to be a very good conman.Copy !req
644. That's my talent. What do you want
me to do, waste it?Copy !req
645. You don't go around using it
on your partners, jerk!Copy !req
646. I bet Gus isn't even your real name.
What is it?Copy !req
647. - No, really, I'd love to know.
- My mother, God rest her soul...Copy !req
648. named me after Augustus...Copy !req
649. What the...Copy !req
650. - Maybe she's jumped out the trunk.
- She didn't jump out of any trunk.Copy !req
651. - She's fucking dead.
- Did you check her pulse?Copy !req
652. - Er... no.
- Why didn't you check her pulse?Copy !req
653. Because I assume that when you
have an axe lodged in your skullCopy !req
654. your pulse tends to bottom out on you!Copy !req
655. - Maybe you shouldn't assume so much.
- All right, just settle down, kids!Copy !req
656. All that matters now is that we find her
before someone else does.Copy !req
657. - Try to keep it on the road this time!
- Hey, fuck you! Fuck you both!Copy !req
658. When people ain't punching me
in the eye, my driving is just perfect.Copy !req
659. Argh!Copy !req
660. Want me to check her pulse?Copy !req
661. Shit!Copy !req
662. - Charlie?
- Hi, honey!Copy !req
663. - What are you doing here?
- What are you doing here?Copy !req
664. Wh... We had an anonymous call
reporting a body in the road.Copy !req
665. We just ran over it.Copy !req
666. Hi, I'm Josie McBroom.Copy !req
667. I thought you were having a drink
with your supervisor.Copy !req
668. Technically, I'm Junior Supervisor
but they did place Charlie under me.Copy !req
669. - Oh...
- And you must be...Copy !req
670. - Penelope Wood.
- Penelope.Copy !req
671. - Detective Penelope Wood.
- Of course!Copy !req
672. Charlie has told me a lot about you...Copy !req
673. Did he say he has a little girl
and that I brought her...Copy !req
674. - Emily's here?
because there's no one at home?Copy !req
675. Now, what happened, exactly?Copy !req
676. Well, we were driving into townCopy !req
677. and all of a sudden - bang!Copy !req
678. We ran over this body here. There
was nothing I could do to avoid her.Copy !req
679. No one could have. I swear,
she just popped out of nowhere.Copy !req
680. - And you are?
- Who, me? I'm Gus.Copy !req
681. Gus Dickinson is my name.
A co-worker of Charlie's.Copy !req
682. - Who are you calling?
- My deputy.Copy !req
683. Aren't you gonna answer that?Copy !req
684. Uh-uh! It's probably
just my ex-boyfriend.Copy !req
685. Freakin' stalker, you know?Copy !req
686. Deputy Garmen, Detective Wood here.
You need to report in immediately.Copy !req
687. Detective Wood.Copy !req
688. Where?Copy !req
689. Shit!Copy !req
690. - The Eye is at the station.
- The what?Copy !req
691. All right, I want you all to follow me down
there. I'm gonna need your statements.Copy !req
692. Can't that wait till tomorrow?
I'm sure it more productiveCopy !req
693. if we'd had a good night's sleep, right?Copy !req
694. You might have mentioned
that your wife was a detective.Copy !req
695. Shut up.Copy !req
696. Gus, you might have mentioned
about not really owing alimonyCopy !req
697. to your imaginary wife and your
imaginary daughter not really going blind.Copy !req
698. Touché!Copy !req
699. Everyone, this is Special Agent
Chester Hymes.Copy !req
700. Well, can you beat this?
My friends with the bodies in the trunk.Copy !req
701. - What?
- It's an inside joke!Copy !req
702. We ran into each other earlier.
How do you do?Copy !req
703. - I'm ready.
- Charlie, can you look after Emmy.Copy !req
704. You two follow us.Copy !req
705. - We're screwed!
- Not if we keep out story straight.Copy !req
706. We had a few beers at Gus's place,
that's the end of it. Got it?Copy !req
707. Got it.Copy !req
708. Gus...Copy !req
709. - We're screwed!
- Oh, come on!Copy !req
710. Do you think Agent Hippo
is gonna figure out moreCopy !req
711. than where to find a really great buffet?Copy !req
712. These abrasions on her knees
and elbowsCopy !req
713. indicate a leap from a moving vehicle.Copy !req
714. We can deduce that Mrs. Smalls'
would-be killerCopy !req
715. presupposed her already dead when
she was transported by automobile.Copy !req
716. Are you all right, Mr. Dickinson?Copy !req
717. Er... yeah. This is the first dead body
for me, so...Copy !req
718. - And I drunk beers at my place.
- Yeah.Copy !req
719. Other than the axe wound,
which, judging from the angle of entry,Copy !req
720. came from a much shorter person,
possibly a female,Copy !req
721. nothing here indicates
any sort of fisticuffs ever took place.Copy !req
722. I can safely say that Mrs. Smalls'
murderer can be found...Copy !req
723. within this very room.Copy !req
724. - What?
- Oh! Just a figure of speech!Copy !req
725. What I mean to say is her body
will tell me who her killer isCopy !req
726. after a more thorough examination.Copy !req
727. However, I can hazard a name
right now.Copy !req
728. Please do.Copy !req
729. I'm sure it will come as no surprise
that her killerCopy !req
730. is none other than...Copy !req
731. the Oregon Undertaker.Copy !req
732. Well, we all could have figured
that out, Agent Hymes.Copy !req
733. Indeed.Copy !req
734. Everything's gonna be OK, sweetie.Copy !req
735. Hey! So, er... I guess
I'll take Emily home.Copy !req
736. Why don't you leave her here with me?Copy !req
737. - Yah, but I can easily...
- Goodnight.Copy !req
738. Wait! You're not
going anywhere, little lady!Copy !req
739. Not without your coat.Copy !req
740. - Would anyone care to say something?
- Just take me home.Copy !req
741. No way! We've got a dead cop
to ditch first.Copy !req
742. I don't care about the cop. I don't
even care about the money anymore.Copy !req
743. I just wanna go home
and pretend this never happened.Copy !req
744. Yeah, it hasn't exactly been
a run-of-the-mill night on the town.Copy !req
745. All I wanted was to take care
of my family.Copy !req
746. OK, Charlie, the sooner we dispose
of the deputy's body,Copy !req
747. the sooner you can get started on your
pretend happily ever after.Copy !req
748. Now how does that sound?Copy !req
749. 'You've reached Stu Garmen.
Speak after the beep... 'Copy !req
750. Shit!Copy !req
751. Come on, sweetheart.
It's time to go home.Copy !req
752. Oh, Charlie...Copy !req
753. - You're sure he'll sink in there?
- Absolutely!Copy !req
754. - You've done this before?
- Never.Copy !req
755. Unrefined, unheated tar
has a viscosity grade of 250,000.Copy !req
756. So what does that mean?
He won't sink?Copy !req
757. He'll sink. It might take a week or so,
but he'll sink.Copy !req
758. Well... we better get started then.Copy !req
759. Hold it!Copy !req
760. You followed us.Copy !req
761. I figured it would be more expedient
than listening to bull pucky testimony.Copy !req
762. I guess I was right, just like always.Copy !req
763. - OK...
- Listen...Copy !req
764. Agent Hymes, you let us go and there's
a million dollars with your name on it.Copy !req
765. You're offering a Federal agent
a bribe?Copy !req
766. - Yeah.
- Thanks, little lady.Copy !req
767. Gus, come over here for a second,
would you?Copy !req
768. Tell me I'm fat!Copy !req
769. I was joking!Copy !req
770. I wanna hear you tell the fat guy
how fat he is.Copy !req
771. I was kidding, all right?Copy !req
772. You might be a little on the heavy sideCopy !req
773. but it's nothing that a few centuries
jogging can't fix!Copy !req
774. - Argh! Sonofabitch!
- I'm sorry, did that pinch?Copy !req
775. All right, the official version is that
Gus here attacked me during an arrest.Copy !req
776. - And I was defending myself...
- Stupid walrus... Argh!Copy !req
777. The official version is that Gus tripped
and fell on his face during the arrest.Copy !req
778. OK, there's two million dollars in a bag
in the car. It's all yours, just take it.Copy !req
779. Wow! Can you beat that?
One million just became two million.Copy !req
780. And people said this economy
would never bounce back!Copy !req
781. Argh!Copy !req
782. - Shoot him in the fucking eye!
- What? Shut up!Copy !req
783. - Wait!
- Don't move!Copy !req
784. - I know who you are.
- What?Copy !req
785. I thought you looked familiar...
Fellas, your accomplice is Lucy Bloom,Copy !req
786. AKA Lucy McJoseph,
AKA Josie McBroom.Copy !req
787. - What are you talking about?
- You're the Wyoming Widow.Copy !req
788. What?Copy !req
789. Gentlemen, the Wyoming Widow's
MO is always the same.Copy !req
790. She seduces an unsuspecting fellow,
she fornicates with himCopy !req
791. and then she offers up
a little sip of whiskey.Copy !req
792. The poor sucker never lives long enough
to realize that he also just drankCopy !req
793. highly concentrated thallium.Copy !req
794. You've been watching too many
soap operas, Agent Hymes!Copy !req
795. You're not believing this crap, are you?Copy !req
796. They say that she always keeps
her trusty flask on her person,Copy !req
797. just in case the next bug
flies into her web.Copy !req
798. Oh, come on! He's just making
this crap up to save his ass!Copy !req
799. I could have sworn I felt one inside
of her coat pocket back at the station.Copy !req
800. Empty your pockets, Josie.Copy !req
801. Charlie...Copy !req
802. Holy shit!Copy !req
803. You planted this in my coat
back at the station, didn't you?Copy !req
804. No, I didn't. I swear to God!Copy !req
805. This isn't mine.Copy !req
806. - He is lying. He is lying!
- Take a drink.Copy !req
807. - Oh...
- Take a sip, Josie.Copy !req
808. There.Copy !req
809. Are you ha...Copy !req
810. - Josie?
- Oh, my God!Copy !req
811. Oh, God! Josie!
Come on, spit it out!Copy !req
812. - You are so pathetic!
- That was not funny.Copy !req
813. You dumb shits! I told you he was just
trying to mess with us! Fuck! Fuck!Copy !req
814. Jesus!Copy !req
815. I think that belongs to Uncle Sam.Copy !req
816. Now hold on.
We're on the same side here, Chester.Copy !req
817. I'm an agent too.Copy !req
818. - When the hell did you take that off me?
- Back at the station.Copy !req
819. Listen, here's the thing, Gus -Copy !req
820. there's a friend of mine,
an agent, one of the best.Copy !req
821. He's been protecting the innocent
a long time now.Copy !req
822. And, well...Copy !req
823. he's gotten fed up
with working his ass offCopy !req
824. for ungrateful morons
who call him fatty.Copy !req
825. A pat on the back if things go right,Copy !req
826. or the stars and stripes on his coffin
if they don't.Copy !req
827. It just doesn't cut it anymore.Copy !req
828. I have two million here.Copy !req
829. Believe when I say
no one will ever claim it.Copy !req
830. Tell your friend there's a million for him
and a million for me.Copy !req
831. What about two million for him
and nothing for you.Copy !req
832. Oh, come on, Chetty!
We're partners here.Copy !req
833. You insult me, Gus.
You're not even a real criminal.Copy !req
834. You're just a small-time crookCopy !req
835. who got shot twice in the chest
resisting arrest.Copy !req
836. Listen, I have a daughter, Thais...Copy !req
837. Thais. That's Greek for 'Beloved'.Copy !req
838. - You shot me.
- That's the first true thing you've said.Copy !req
839. What took you so long?Copy !req
840. Mummy...Copy !req
841. It's all right, sweetheart.
Go back to sleep.Copy !req
842. Wait! You know I can't eat
this much sugar.Copy !req
843. You shouldn't do this.Copy !req
844. - Like you shouldn't have killed Gus.
- Keep eating.Copy !req
845. Gus was a backstabber.Copy !req
846. He told me he was gonna kill you
and make off with the money.Copy !req
847. That's why I killed him. I saved your life.
I'm telling you the truth!Copy !req
848. 89.9 percent of all US Government
agents can beat a lie detector.Copy !req
849. Please... this isn't right, Charlie.Copy !req
850. You know this isn't right.Copy !req
851. - Your wife is an officer of the law.
- Shut up! Shut the fuck up!Copy !req
852. Oh, God.Copy !req
853. I don't wanna die!Copy !req
854. I don't wanna die...Copy !req
855. Please...Copy !req
856. - God, we really did it, huh?
- What?Copy !req
857. We really turned into monsters.Copy !req
858. Oh, Charlie...Copy !req
859. Oh, come on.Copy !req
860. I say it was worth it.Copy !req
861. Let's get the body in the car.
It's heavy enough to sink.Copy !req
862. Wait...Copy !req
863. There's still one passenger missing.Copy !req
864. You said you wanted to pretend
none of this ever happened...Copy !req
865. One sip of this... and you can kiss
all your worries goodbye.Copy !req
866. - The Wyoming Widow?
- Yeah.Copy !req
867. But I saw you drink it.Copy !req
868. Never far from my trusty flasks!Copy !req
869. - Brilliant.
- Yeah!Copy !req
870. After all, I was Miss Teen Wyoming.Copy !req
871. Now, Obviously I can't let you go
and risk having you report meCopy !req
872. and, fuck, two million does sound
a heck of a lot nicer than one million!Copy !req
873. - You were right, Penny.
- What's that?Copy !req
874. Penelope always said money
won't make you rich, I just...Copy !req
875. I just didn't believe her.Copy !req
876. You do seem like
a genuinely decent guy, Charlie.Copy !req
877. - I'm real sorry I gotta do this.
- You don't have a choice, do you?Copy !req
878. No, I don't. But you do.Copy !req
879. You want me to shoot you
or you want to go for the whiskey?Copy !req
880. What did Hymes say you used?Copy !req
881. Concentrated thallium.
Much quicker than cyanide.Copy !req
882. Any last words, Charlie?Copy !req
883. Don't spend it all at one place.Copy !req
884. What?Copy !req
885. What? What?Copy !req
886. What?Copy !req
887. No!Copy !req
888. What the fuck?Copy !req
889. Oh fuck! Oh fuck! Fuck!Copy !req
890. 'Charlie, Penelope
and Emily can't come to the phone.Copy !req
891. 'Please leave us a message.'Copy !req
892. 'This is a message for Charlie
Wood. My name is Samuel Koenig,Copy !req
893. 'I'm Senior VP of Barstow Publishing
Self Help Division here in Seattle.Copy !req
894. 'Listen, I'm calling in regards
to this book you sent us,Copy !req
895. "'Build A Better Brain
And Beat The Big Nothing."Copy !req
896. 'It seems to me like it's a no-brainer!Copy !req
897. 'Seriously, though,
we have an offer for you.Copy !req
898. 'We think you'll be happy with it.Copy !req
899. 'Please call me back
at your earliest convenience... 'Copy !req
900. - Hi.
- Hi. Where you headed?Copy !req
901. - As far away from here as possible.
- That one we could do for you.Copy !req
902. This must be my lucky day.Copy !req
903. Er... let me just double-check
something.Copy !req
904. - All set.
- All righty!Copy !req
905. And... action.Copy !req
906. Again.Copy !req
907. Again.Copy !req
908. And... again.Copy !req
909. Thank you.Copy !req
910. - Argh!
- I got him!Copy !req