- 1. - Hello?
- Sonny, it's your dad. You asleep?
- 2. No. Hey, man. I was exercising.
- 3. - Bullshit. You were sleeping.
- I wasn't.
- 4. This kid won't stop lying to me.
You still act like you're six.
- 5. Yeah, okay, Dad.
I act like I'm six.
- 6. Found a job yet, where
you work more than one day a week?
- 7. I've been looking.
- 8. Looking won't pay the rent.
- 9. All the money I won
from the cab accident...
- 10. is kicking ass
in the stock market, so relax.
- 11. - Don't blow it on worthless crap.
- I won't.
- 12. You should spend it on your bar exam.
- 13. You're the lawyer.
I ain't taking a bar exam.
- 14. I got too much other shit going on.
- 15. I don't know what happened to you.
- 16. How're things going with
your girlfriend, Vanessa?
- 17. Things are going fine.
- 18. Shit!
- 19. I gotta go.
- 20. Shit! You turned off
the alarm clock again.
- 21. No! I mean, yes, I did,
but I thought you needed more sleep.
- 22. I shouldn't have stayed here.
That was a jerk thing to do.
- 23. Why are you going to work?
- 24. I'm not going to work. I'm going to
brunch with potential clients.
- 25. That's how a party planner
gets business, by making contacts.
- 26. Meet with me. I'll order in
from Cozy's. We'll have fun.
- 27. I am sick of Cozy's.
You order in from there all the time.
- 28. The delivery guy's your best friend.
- 29. He happens to be pretty damn nice.
- 30. This is a rough patch in my life.
- 31. Syracuse is 0 and 3.
And I got those medical problems.
- 32. Medical problems?
- 33. A cab runs over your foot two years ago.
You're hospitalized one night.
- 34. First of all, that cab was huge.
- 35. And a jury decided that one night
of pain was worth $200,000.
- 36. - So there you go.
- 37. Why are you being
so nuts to me lately?
- 38. You refuse to move on
to the next phase.
- 39. I'd like to have a family someday.
- 40. I need someone I can rely on,
not a playmate.
- 41. You need a father figure?
"Stop pulling your sister's hair!"
- 42. You know what? I'm gonna go to
Syracuse to see my mom.
- 43. - I'll be back on Wednesday.
- What are you talking about?
- 44. I had call for delivery, but it was
crank call. You want chocolate cake?
- 45. Come back later.
I'll Indian wrestle you.
- 46. You're going down, sucker.
- 47. We'll see about that.
- 48. Okay. Peace, out.
- 49. You're going to Syracuse?
- 50. I need time to think and so do you.
- 51. Think about what?
- 52. Your life and why I should
be a part of it.
- 53. All right.
- 54. While you're at it,
think about getting a real job.
- 55. I got a real job!
- 56. Patrick Ewing, nice shot.
- 57. - Hey, Sonny.
- What's up, buddy boy?
- 58. I'm out the door. Hey, pal.
- 59. - Where you going?
- 60. You wanna take me with you?
- 61. All right, I guess.
- 62. Hold onto your money.
- 63. Okay, take care, Sonny.
- 64. See you.
- 65. Cadillac, I love it.
- 66. Surprise!
- 67. Just ignore him.
- 68. It's only Sonny. It's only Sonny.
- 69. Yeah, it's only me. It's only me.
- 70. - What's going on?
- Corinne's going-away party for Kevin.
- 71. She didn't tell me.
The roommate has a right to know.
- 72. She knew you'd ruin the surprise.
- 73. No, I wouldn't.
- 74. Hey, surprise.
- 75. Surprise.
- 76. What's going on?
- 77. We wasted the good surprise on you.
- 78. All right.
- 79. Is this your handiwork?
- 80. I guess.
- 81. See you in three hours.
- 82. Good to see you stiffs.
What've you been doing?
- 83. Last three weeks have been crazy.
I've been in Denver, Dallas...
- 84. I'm sleeping in the office.
We're going to trial on the fraud case.
- 85. Honey, it was a great surprise.
I was totally shocked.
- 86. No, you weren't!
And I worked so hard on this.
- 87. Need some help?
- 88. - Honey, your sister's here.
- Hey, sweetie.
- 89. I hate Sonny.
- 90. My client's out $7 million. All we
can sue on is breach of contract.
- 91. Maybe you can sue under
the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act.
- 92. I gotta get back to the office.
You're the king.
- 93. Mikey, a pleasure.
- 94. - I'll see you at home.
- All right.
- 95. I'll walk you out.
- 96. I gotta admit, I'm still
weirded out when they kiss.
- 97. Why? They're gay.
That's what gay guys do.
- 98. I know, but they were like
brothers to us back in school.
- 99. They're still like our brothers.
Our very, very gay brothers.
- 100. What are you doing after this?
Going to a Klan meeting?
- 101. Remember when Dad had that barbecue
for his friends and it rained...
- 102. so he and Mom went into the
kitchen and made...
- 103. 100 hamburgers with one frying pan?
- 104. You're not gonna let a little rain
stop you from making 100 hamburgers.
- 105. That relationship's lasted longer
than I thought it would.
- 106. Look at his eyes. He's bored.
I give it two more weeks.
- 107. Hey, excuse me. Everybody!
- 108. I'm sorry. I wanted to thank you
for coming tonight.
- 109. I guess I should say...
- 110. I'm getting it.
- 111. Tomorrow I'm leaving for China to
represent the firm of Morton and Mandel.
- 112. Me, the same guy who once shaved
his ass to win a $5 bet.
- 113. Prove it!
- 114. Just kidding.
- 115. But I am real glad you're all here
- 116. I'm gonna do what I never thought
I'd have the guts to do.
- 117. You're not proposing, are you?
- 118. Yeah, pal, I am.
- 119. Well, think about it, you know?
- 120. God, Sonny, shut up!
- 121. Anyway, will you?
- 122. Yeah.
- 123. Good call on the two weeks.
- 124. Sonny, what was that all about?
- 125. Congratulations. You and
"Big Boobs" McGee are gonna be happy.
- 126. Don't call her that.
- 127. You wanna tell your children you met
their mother as a waitress at Hooters?
- 128. Sonny, that was five years ago.
She's a doctor now...
- 129. and my fiancée, so from now on...
- 130. Dr. Big Boobs McGee.
- 131. - Congratulations.
- Thanks, man.
- 132. I just...
- 133. got shit going on.
- 134. What's the matter?
- 135. Vanessa's gonna break up with me...
- 136. and I don't know how
to make her wanna stay.
- 137. She's getting older.
She wants different things:
- 138. Career, stable relationship, a family.
- 139. That's how they get.
- 140. I want things to go back
to the way they used to be.
- 141. When we were at Syracuse,
and Vanessa worshiped you.
- 142. - That was nice.
- Nobody hassled you to get a job.
- 143. Tommy and Phil showered separately.
- 144. Those were the days.
- 145. - What're you doing?
- if I make this...
- 146. Vanessa will realize
she likes me the way I am.
- 147. You're going to the putt.
- 148. Remember, the roof breaks
to the right.
- 149. Yes! That's what I'm talk...
- 150. Good God!
- 151. That can't be good.
- 152. Where's Kevin?
- 153. He already left. I guess
he forgot to say goodbye to you.
- 154. - Why are you here?
- I'm cleaning because you're useless.
- 155. Then what, you gonna go to
your Hooters reunion?
- 156. You guys talk about whose ass
hangs out of their shorts the most?
- 157. At least I can fit my ass
in my shorts, fatty.
- 158. Speaking of fatty, whose is this?
- 159. - I don't know.
- I'm eating it then.
- 160. "We wasted the good surprise on you."
- 161. Lady gave me $5 to bring him here.
- 162. - What do you mean?
- 163. Are you selling raffle tickets?
- 164. Oh, boy.
- 165. - Kevin Gerrity.
- I got something to tell you.
- 166. What's up?
- 167. There's a kid here.
- 168. What kind of kid?
- 169. If this note is true, it's your kid.
- 170. What do you mean?
- 171. I'm having a tough time
- 172. but it says, "Dear Kevin:
This is Julian, your son.
- 173. I hope you understand why
I didn't tell you until now...
- 174. but he needs your help.
I can't be his mother anymore."
- 175. - This is ridiculous.
- Hang on.
- 176. Who's this?
- 177. This is my friend.
- 178. - Is that Kevin on the phone?
- No, it's my Uncle Remus.
- 179. What's your name?
- 180. Is he all right?
- 181. He doesn't like you.
Leave us alone.
- 182. You're such a dick.
- 183. That was your girlfriend.
She was acting "Hooterific."
- 184. Who sent that note?
- 185. "Jan."
- 186. Jan...
I don't know any Jan.
- 187. - Where's he from?
- Where are you from?
- 188. Buffalo.
- 189. I've never even been to Buffalo.
- 190. Maybe it's a mistake.
- 191. Is this like the time
you said my parents were dead?
- 192. I swear, he's right here.
- 193. I'm coming home.
I don't know what I'll say...
- 194. Hang on. It says...
- 195. "If you won't take responsibility
for him, they found a foster family..."
- 196. Yes, Uncle Remus,
I know the catfish are huge.
- 197. That's terrific.
- 198. Here's a number for a guy...
- 199. at City Social Service.
Arthur Brooks. I'll call.
- 200. - I'll come home.
- I'll take care of it.
- 201. Are you sure?
- 202. Yeah, don't worry.
- 203. Hooters. Hooters. Hooters!
- 204. - All right. Thanks a lot.
- 205. I'm gonna make another phone call.
- 206. You want to come and sit down, pal?
- 207. Or you can stand there.
Anything you want. I'll be a minute.
- 208. Social Services
is closed today, Columbus Day.
- 209. We'll be open tomorrow at 8 a.m.
- 210. Columbus Day.
- 211. Boy, I don't know what to tell you.
- 212. Everything's gonna get
figured out tomorrow.
- 213. Can you be a tough little guy
- 214. Great.
- 215. Do I need to get you a bottle
of formula or something?
- 216. What do you eat?
- 217. Food.
- 218. Yeah? I eat food too.
- 219. What..? Come on.
- 220. You need me to hold your hand?
- 221. On Mondays, I go to Central Park
and watch rollerbladers fall down.
- 222. - You into that?
- I don't know.
- 223. Watch. This guy's humming.
- 224. He's going down, he's going down,
- 225. How old are you, anyways?
- 226. Five.
- 227. You wear a diaper?
- 228. You wipe your own ass then?
- 229. You do? Good job. That's cool.
- 230. Come on, fall down. Fall down. Yes!
Come on, damn it.
- 231. You suck. You suck!
- 232. Check this out.
- 233. My God!
- 234. There's a stick there.
Somebody should move it.
- 235. All right now, what way
would you put that on?
- 236. This Columbo, he pretends
to be stupid...
- 237. but he's really smart as a tack.
- 238. Oh, yeah, he is.
- 239. You put the vane on down there.
Then this boat comes up.
- 240. I wipe my own ass.
- 241. Me too.
- 242. So, Mr. Ass Wiper,
what's this guy's name?
- 243. Scuba Steve.
- 244. Does he ever take his flippers off?
- 245. What if he goes bowling?
- 246. They don't make him wear bowling shoes?
He wears flippers?
- 247. Really?
- 248. I had a doll like that at one time.
- 249. But my cat, he bite his head off.
- 250. What cat would do that?
- 251. You calling me a liar?
- 252. Hey, take it easy.
- 253. Anyways...
- 254. Jets are playing tonight.
- 255. We're gonna go to the Blarney Stone.
- 256. I've got more deliveries.
- 257. Maybe you can also finish
the turkey on your lip.
- 258. Right there.
- 259. Let's crank up the Styx.
- 260. No music during the game.
- 261. - It's halftime. Relax, Mr. Herlihy.
- Goddamn Jets.
- 262. What are you doing in here, cutie?
- 263. Watching football.
- 264. - Who do you want to win?
- The goddamn Jets.
- 265. Have fun.
- 266. Too bad you don't like girls.
I think you could've had her.
- 267. - I'm thirsty.
- You're thirsty?
- 268. Are you allowed soda?
- 269. I don't know.
- 270. My mom always said
soda rots your teeth...
- 271. but you'll lose them
anyway, so rot on.
- 272. - Can we get two root beers?
- 273. When I graduated law school, we met
here every Monday to watch football.
- 274. Who would meet you?
- 275. My friends, Vanessa.
- 276. Vanessa always rooted against the team
I wanted to win just to bust my chops.
- 277. But everybody's so busy with
their crap lately, no one comes.
- 278. Like I'm not busy?
- 279. Shut up or I'll smack you
through the wall like last Monday.
- 280. Last Monday was a fluke.
Bring it on, woman.
- 281. Anytime.
- 282. He drinks a lot of soda.
- 283. I'm telling you, buddy. Vanessa,
she's the one. I can't lose her.
- 284. I'm not getting any handsomer.
- 285. Every day I get a little bit older
and balder and fatter.
- 286. Fatter?
- 287. At your age I could eat anything.
Wouldn't gain an ounce.
- 288. Now, I have a chocolate shake,
my ass jiggles for a week.
- 289. - Enjoy the metabolism while you got it.
- 290. Good God, it's 2:30 in the morning.
You must be wrecked.
- 291. Anyways, I had fun today.
Did you have fun?
- 292. Yeah, you're all right.
- 293. Have a good one.
- 294. Could I have a night-light?
- 295. Night-light? I think I can
help you out. Hang on.
- 296. Let's see here.
- 297. There you go, all right?
- 298. Are you my dad?
- 299. No, I'm not, but...
- 300. that Dad and Mom thing
we'll figure out in the morning.
- 301. You just go to sleep.
- 302. - Good night.
- Good night.
- 303. Go get the can, okay?
- 304. Go! Go! Go!
- 305. I'm thinking about keeping the kid.
- 306. Remember when we went to
the pet store...
- 307. and you wanted that puppy,
but I reminded you about feeding it...
- 308. cleaning it
and toilet training it?
- 309. This is kind of like that,
except with a human.
- 310. I mean, I'm glad you had fun and all,
but this is big.
- 311. I gotta do something big.
I think Vanessa will respect that.
- 312. You think that since women get pregnant
to fix a troubled relationship...
- 313. why can't a guy adopt a kid
to do the same?
- 314. I didn't think of it like that.
But yes, that's what I'm thinking.
- 315. Sounds nuts to me, pal.
Do yourself a favor. Sleep on it.
- 316. You're right.
Can I use your phone?
- 317. Arthur Brooks speaking.
- 318. How you doing?
- 319. Right on, Mr. Gerrity.
- 320. We were expecting you.
- 321. Do you still got a foster family
lined up for Julian?
- 322. Yes, we do.
- 323. I've decided to
take care of the little guy.
- 324. Way to sleep on it, pal.
- 325. You two want to get married,
I support that.
- 326. When parents take the responsibility,
there's no bigger high for us.
- 327. I'm psyched about it too.
- 328. So that's it.
- 329. Yep. Good luck
to you and your son.
- 330. My son.
- 331. Goddamn stick!
- 332. That's my boy.
- 333. Go back to sleep.
- 334. Well, I'm going back to sleep.
- 335. I wet my bed.
- 336. Oh, God.
- 337. That's a shitload of piss.
- 338. There you go, all right?
- 339. No more wetness.
- 340. Sleep, all right? Just try to sleep.
- 341. Sit still!
- 342. Lay!
- 343. All right! I'm up!
- 344. It smells like urine in this joint.
- 345. What're you doing there, boy?
- 346. Making cereal.
- 347. Oh, yeah? Why don't you
pour me a bowl?
- 348. Or don't pour me a bowl. Either way.
- 349. I got it. I got it.
- 350. We can fix this.
- 351. It's not a big deal.
- 352. Look. See?
- 353. See how quick it goes away?
- 354. Crybaby, come on.
- 355. Don't worry about it, boy.
- 356. Scuba Steve, damn you!
- 357. You think that's funny,
me getting hurt?
- 358. There's a bright side to being up
before 11: McDonald's breakfast.
- 359. I haven't been up for that
in 10 years. You wanna go?
- 360. Tie your shoes, we'll go. Hurry.
- 361. It's like 12 blocks from here,
so tie quickly.
- 362. Do you need help with that?
- 363. I can do it.
- 364. Let me do it.
- 365. You loop it, you swoop it and you pull.
- 366. You loop it, you swoop it, you pull.
- 367. Good. Let's go. We're in a hurry.
- 368. It's different for your generation.
- 369. You've always had
McDonald's breakfast available.
- 370. I have?
- 371. When I was born, all we had were
the burgers and fries.
- 372. Maybe the fish sandwich. I'm not sure.
I'll get back to you.
- 373. What are you doing?
- 374. Oh, yeah, the hand-holding thing.
- 375. My dad took us to McDonald's
the first morning they had breakfast.
- 376. Everybody was baffled.
"Are these sausages or hamburgers?"
- 377. I have to go to the bathroom.
- 378. We're gonna be there
in a minute.
- 379. I gotta go now.
- 380. Didn't you pee enough in bed?
- 381. We only got nine minutes
to get there.
- 382. But I gotta go to the bathroom.
- 383. All right, let's go.
- 384. Can my kid use the bathroom
for a minute?
- 385. Customers only.
- 386. He's just a kid.
We'll be in and out.
- 387. That's not my problem.
- 388. It's not your problem? All right.
- 389. Come on.
- 390. Here you are.
Your waiter will be right with you.
- 391. I can't do it.
- 392. What do you mean,
you can't do it? Just go.
- 393. I'm scared. Could you do it too?
- 394. All right.
- 395. Here we go.
- 396. And we're off.
- 397. That's not too difficult, right?
- 398. And we're both losing weight.
- 399. Good job. We're gonna miss
breakfast. Let's go.
- 400. Put it away.
- 401. - Thanks, anyways.
- Sure thing. Anytime.
- 402. Move your ass there, pee-boy.
- 403. We only got five minutes,
five minutes. Now four.
- 404. Come on. We're almost there.
- 405. Hey, mister. Why are you
sitting on the ground?
- 406. This is where I live.
- 407. We gotta get going.
- 408. Why?
- 409. In retrospect, I made some
bad choices after high school.
- 410. - We gotta get going.
- 411. This was during the
so-called Disco Era...
- 412. but for me, it was more
the Doing Mushrooms Era.
- 413. - We're gonna miss breakfast.
- 414. I never thought about that.
- 415. I was never Mr. Popularity
in high school...
- 416. and I watched Fantasia a lot.
- 417. - One day it clicked.
- Hey, yappy.
- 418. If you end it,
you get an Egg McMuffin.
- 419. How about a Sausage McMuffin
with hash browns?
- 420. You got a deal.
- 421. Look, look. He fell asleep.
- 422. Let's go.
- 423. Sausage McMuffin.
- 424. Pardon me, sir.
- 425. How you doing?
- 426. What can I get for you?
- 427. - What do you want?
- 428. They don't got Cheerios.
- 429. Lasagna.
- 430. What's the matter?
We'll take hot cakes and sausage.
- 431. Sorry. We stopped serving breakfast.
- 432. We're four seconds late.
- 433. You're 30 minutes and four seconds late.
Breakfast stops at 10:30.
- 434. Horseshit!
- 435. Don't cry. Sorry.
- 436. I was cursing at the lady, not you.
- 437. Nice parenting.
- 438. Thanks. Are you my therapist?
Take a walk.
- 439. Do you want a Happy Meal?
- 440. You got a Happy Meal?
- 441. Will somebody
get the kid a Happy Meal?
- 442. Relax.
- 443. Where's my Egg McMuffin?
- 444. Breakfast is over at 10:30.
- 445. - Really? I thought it was 11.
- I thought that too.
- 446. Total mind blower.
- 447. Will you just relax? Here.
- 448. What do you want me to do?
- 449. You're gonna meet Vanessa tonight.
You'll like her.
- 450. You wanna see me get hurt?
That'll cheer you up?
- 451. All right.
- 452. You think that's funny?
- 453. Good. No more crying.
- 454. Are you okay?
- 455. Next time, kill me.
- 456. Let's do it, Rangers.
- 457. Rangers against
the Tampa Bay Lightning.
- 458. And at this stage...
- 459. it's as close as you can get
to a must-win game for the Rangers.
- 460. Or they'll fall behind...
- 461. How you doing?
- 462. How you doing?
- 463. You like hockey?
- 464. You like hockey?
- 465. This is a big, important game.
- 466. This is a big, important game.
- 467. Cut the crap.
- 468. Cut the crap.
- 469. I'm serious. Don't do that.
- 470. I'm serious. Don't do that.
- 471. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck,
if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
- 472. That's what I thought. Shut up.
- 473. Don't you take naps?
- 474. Sometimes.
- 475. Go take a nap.
- 476. I'm too hungry to sleep.
- 477. You want some food?
- 478. Having a kid is great...
- 479. as long as his eyes are closed
and he's not moving or speaking.
- 480. He's taken down! Penalty shot!
- 481. How you doing? You sleepwalking?
- 482. Why don't you go back sleepy?
- 483. Keep napping. What's this?
- 484. Kangaroo song.
- 485. That's terrific. And we'll watch this
after the game, okay?
- 486. But after my nap,
I always watch the kangaroo song.
- 487. It's overtime, and there's
a penalty shot about to take place.
- 488. It happens every 10 years...
- 489. Kangaroo song. Kangaroo song!
- 490. All right!
- 491. God! You were normal yesterday.
- 492. I can't take this.
Are you serious?
- 493. Come and play
- 494. What do you say?
- 495. Douche-bag kangaroo.
- 496. Are you all hopped out?
- 497. I don't know what to do.
Hopefully Vanessa will.
- 498. I think she's back.
If she's not back, we'll wait for her.
- 499. Get your coat. Clean up.
- 500. Oh, God. You don't
have to pee, do you?
- 501. - Do you swear?
- I swear.
- 502. How come you're not going?
- 503. I don't have to go. Only you and
my grandfather go every 30 seconds.
- 504. Let's hurry it up, all right?
I'm keeping you company.
- 505. He'll write your name on the wall.
Mind your business.
- 506. Let's go. Let's go.
- 507. Why do I need to meet this lady?
- 508. - Now it is your problem.
- Thank you.
- 509. She's that lady I was
telling you about.
- 510. She's gonna be a big part
of your life.
- 511. I'm scared. What if she's not nice?
- 512. Look.
- 513. See these right here?
These are magic sunglasses, okay?
- 514. If you're afraid, put them on
to become invisible.
- 515. Really? Nobody can see me?
- 516. Put them on.
- 517. Sonny, I'm right here.
- 518. Oh, the glasses. I couldn't see you.
- 519. Keep those on. No one can notice you
until you decide they can.
- 520. - Okay.
- Let's go.
- 521. I'm still right here.
- 522. Okay, all right, the glasses.
- 523. Welcome back.
- 524. Who's that?
- 525. Who's who? He's invisible.
- 526. Can I come in?
- 527. Sure.
- 528. Any invisible people out here...
- 529. feel free to come in, okay?
- 530. Sonny, I don't really know
what's going on right now.
- 531. - We should talk...
- You said I got some thinking to do?
- 532. So I did it.
- 533. Just because I don't have a job
doesn't mean I don't wanna move on.
- 534. Instead of saying that,
I figured I'd show you.
- 535. - Before you say anything...
- Look at that.
- 536. He took his sunglasses off.
- 537. He wants you to see him.
He likes you.
- 538. Julian, come here.
- 539. Come here, pal.
- 540. Vanessa...
- 541. I want you to meet Julian, my son.
- 542. Our son. I adopted him.
- 543. I don't know what to say.
- 544. Don't say anything.
- 545. Is someone in the bathroom?
- 546. Why is the door shut?
- 547. I don't know.
- 548. You don't?
- 549. I don't know.
- 550. I can't believe this.
- 551. Open up.
- 552. Open the door!
- 553. - Is everything okay?
- Oh, my God.
- 554. I'm sorry. I was freaking out there.
- 555. - I'm Sonny.
- 556. I had an attack of paranoia. I thought
you were sleeping with my girl.
- 557. I am.
- 558. What's that?
- 559. I am.
- 560. That's what I was trying to tell you
before. I found someone.
- 561. - This old guy?
- 562. He's already achieved so much...
- 563. and yet he's still goal-oriented
and still focused.
- 564. And he has a five-year plan.
- 565. What is it? "Don't die"?
- 566. I can't believe this. We got
a family now. This is what you wanted.
- 567. You surprising me with a kid
that you adopted...
- 568. - wasn't what I wanted.
- I did this for you.
- 569. You wanted me to be more responsible.
I can't raise this kid alone.
- 570. You remind me of my grandson.
You don't think things through.
- 571. Hey, Old Man River, zip it
or I'll break your hip.
- 572. - I'd like to see you try it.
- Shut up.
- 573. How'd you misconstrue
the situation so badly?
- 574. I don't know.
- 575. Deep down you must've known
this day was coming.
- 576. You made the biggest mistake
of your life.
- 577. I know you'll be missing me
when you got...
- 578. that big, white, wrinkly...
- 579. body on top of you...
- 580. with his loose skin...
- 581. and old balls.
- 582. Gross.
- 583. Excuse me. How you doing?
I'm Kevin Gerrity.
- 584. I got an emergency problem.
Is Arthur Brooks around?
- 585. I'll go get him for you.
- 586. Stay where I can see you.
I gotta talk to this guy.
- 587. Mr. Gerrity?
- 588. - Arthur Brooks.
- How are you? I need to speak with you.
- 589. I didn't tell you to come here, did I?
- 590. I was gonna mail you
- 591. It's like the opposite of that.
- 592. Look, I can't manage this kid.
- 593. I ain't a good father.
I made a big mistake.
- 594. Mistake?
- 595. I had a mother lined up for him...
- 596. but she's banging
the Pepperidge Farm guy.
- 597. The kid won't stop
peeing and throwing up.
- 598. He's like a cocker spaniel.
- 599. He'd be better off
with his natural mother.
- 600. Well, she passed away last night,
- 601. She had cancer. She must have sensed
that her time was running short.
- 602. She wanted her son to be with
the natural father.
- 603. Loop.
- 604. Pull.
- 605. If you don't wanna take care
- 606. we'll take him. But he'll have to
chill in a group home.
- 607. Group home? Like an orphanage?
- 608. We don't call them that.
- 609. Look, I did it.
Loop, swoop and pull.
- 610. You did do it.
- 611. Congratulations, kid.
- 612. I showed him that.
- 613. Why don't you go back over there, okay?
- 614. - I'll call the Heatherton Home...
- Let's do this.
- 615. I'll hang onto the kid
until you find him a new family.
- 616. I don't know. I gotta watch out
for the kid's best interest.
- 617. You said yourself you were a bogus dad.
- 618. He's better off with me
than in an orphanage.
- 619. I don't wanna put him in a home
any more than you do.
- 620. Why don't we pretend you
didn't even come in here?
- 621. I'll give you a shout
when I line up a family.
- 622. - That's good.
- 623. Just don't make me regret this.
- 624. Where are we going now?
- 625. I gotta make a phone call.
Just stay right here, all right?
- 626. - This is a collect call from:
- Your baby boy.
- 627. - To accept charges, say, "Yes."
- Yeah, I'll accept.
- 628. Dad, how's it going?
- 629. Not too bad. Your mother got
a sunburn playing tennis.
- 630. - I got some interesting news.
- Oh, yeah? What?
- 631. Kind of adopted a kid.
- 632. What do you mean?
- 633. I'm talking about
you being a grandfather.
- 634. Who the hell would give you a kid?
- 635. Social Services.
- 636. You idiot. You better give
that kid back.
- 637. His mother's...
- 638. Hang on.
- 639. Go play with them pigeons, buddy.
- 640. I tried to give him back.
I just can't. All right?
- 641. I need your help.
- 642. I'm in a bad way. Vanessa dumped me.
I don't know what I'm doing.
- 643. You're damn right.
- 644. The kid is always around.
- 645. He never leaves me alone.
- 646. You'd think he'd want some privacy.
I'm in deep shit.
- 647. Give that kid back before
you ruin both your lives.
- 648. I appreciate that.
- 649. He's better off living in a dumpster.
- 650. I'll be a better father than you!
- 651. Impossible!
All you care about is yourself!
- 652. Yeah? No, I care about you
saving money on this call!
- 653. Let's eat.
- 654. The Vanessa thing did not work out.
- 655. She lost her damn mind.
That wasn't your fault, though, okay?
- 656. I know when you first got here, you
thought you were gonna meet your dad.
- 657. But I don't think
that's gonna happen.
- 658. Why?
- 659. I don't know.
- 660. But, buddy, real dads
aren't always that great.
- 661. I got one and he's
out of his mind.
- 662. He tells me what to do. He never lets
me figure stuff out on my own.
- 663. A lot of dads are like that.
That's why people grow up nuts.
- 664. Look at this guy.
- 665. He was probably a nice boy like you.
Then his dad messed his mind up.
- 666. Who won the Jets game?
- 667. Who cares?
- 668. Let it go.
He can't control you anymore.
- 669. What do you mean?
- 670. You know.
- 671. You're a loser.
- 672. You're mad at your dad, not at me!
I forgive you!
- 673. I am. I am. I hate my father.
- 674. I don't want it to be like that.
I don't wanna control you.
- 675. You even like your name?
- 676. I guess.
- 677. You guess? Shouldn't you like
- 678. It'll be your name
the rest of your life.
- 679. What do you want?
- 680. Frankenstein.
- 681. I can deal with that.
I'll call you Frankenstein.
- 682. Frankenstein, you gonna play
in the puddle?
- 683. Go ahead. From now on, you do
whatever you wanna do.
- 684. I'll show you some cool shit
along the way.
- 685. That's what it's all about.
- 686. Stay in front of it.
Don't be scared.
- 687. It's coming right at you.
- 688. Okay. All right.
- 689. You're picking your head up.
Don't do that.
- 690. Is this okay?
- 691. That's what you wanna wear?
- 692. That's okay with me then.
- 693. Good luck walking down the street.
- 694. Way to block it. Stay with it.
- 695. You're the next Willie Randolph.
- 696. Chief Jay Strongbow
used to do a sleeper hold.
- 697. Put your arm under here.
- 698. Lift this arm, okay? Slide under
and try to lock wrists.
- 699. Let me show you. Watch.
- 700. Throw him into the ropes
and he comes back...
- 701. Get him. Get him. Lock him up.
- 702. Lock wrists.
- 703. You bring him down slow.
- 704. Apply pressure.
- 705. He's going to sleep now.
- 706. See, he's out.
- 707. Wake up.
- 708. You'll be the only kid your age
with a slingshot.
- 709. Go have some fun. Shoot a few
beer cans or something.
- 710. You like that?
- 711. Sonny, Sonny, come here!
- 712. What is it? What's the matter?
- 713. Let me have that.
- 714. Go to your room. I think.
Or do whatever you want.
- 715. It's gonna be fun. You nervous?
- 716. No? You're excited, aren't you?
- 717. Let's go. Up, up, up.
- 718. Here comes some candy.
- 719. How you doing?
- 720. Happy Halloween!
We got a first-timer.
- 721. Do the right thing, buddy.
- 722. We want some candy!
- 723. Hang on right here for a second.
- 724. Yeah, that's it.
- 725. Yeah, CDs. You like that?
- 726. He's not happy. What else you got?
- 727. Okay, that's good. Trick-or-treat.
- 728. Say, "Happy Halloween."
- 729. Thank you.
- 730. Next year, be prepared, moron.
- 731. What's with the cummerbund?
- 732. I let him wear whatever he wants.
- 733. Those boots are the best.
- 734. I think they're Kevin's.
- 735. I'll have a hot dog with
the mustard and a knish.
- 736. Frankenstein, what do you want?
- 737. Thirty packets of ketchup.
- 738. All right. Thirty packets of ketchup.
- 739. Nice cut, pal.
- 740. Frankenstein.
- 741. Do that thing I taught you
the other day.
- 742. It took him 20 minutes to learn that.
He's quick. He's smart.
- 743. - And he loves ketchup.
- He does.
- 744. This is a whole new school
- 745. You give him options, not orders.
Let him make the decision.
- 746. You're a pioneer.
- 747. - So you two just chill out all day?
- 748. Hung out on the monkey bars.
The kid did eight chin-ups.
- 749. I can't even do one
with these scrawny arms.
- 750. They're not scrawny. They're nice.
- 751. What do you wanna do tomorrow?
- 752. I wanna go to school.
- 753. I don't force him, he makes
the right decision. Way to go.
- 754. We'll enroll you on Monday.
Enjoy the weekend.
- 755. Do the thing again.
- 756. That one touched the ground.
- 757. That was awesome!
- 758. Good job.
- 759. Help me! Help me!
- 760. Please help me.
I don't know where I live.
- 761. This isn't a big problem.
- 762. We'll find your parents.
- 763. - What's your name?
- 764. There you are.
- 765. There you are. Are you okay, buddy?
- 766. I turn my head and he disappeared.
- 767. Don't you ever do that to me again.
Don't do that.
- 768. Thank you for being sweet
to my little boy.
- 769. You're welcome, Sonny.
- 770. I think my sister, Corinne,
is engaged to your roommate.
- 771. Your sister's Corinne? That sucks.
- 772. Yeah, I'm up from D.C.
I was at that party...
- 773. where we wasted
the good surprise on you.
- 774. Sorry about that.
- 775. So, what, you have a son now?
- 776. I'm not his dad.
I'm more of a father-figure type...
- 777. until Social Services
can get another family.
- 778. At which point,
you'll find a new way...
- 779. to initiate conversations
with girls in the park.
- 780. Yeah, that's correct.
- 781. Good job, buddy!
- 782. He's peeing on his own.
- 783. Keep it flowing! That's it!
- 784. Go! Go!
- 785. So does Corinne's sister have a name?
- 786. It's Layla.
- 787. Layla? I like your song.
- 788. Could you do me a favor?
- 789. Could you hang out with me?
- 790. He'll think he's a failure
if he couldn't get me a date.
- 791. I really can't.
- 792. I have a ton of work to do.
- 793. I see. Hang on a second.
- 794. Come here.
- 795. Layla, if you don't come over
to Sonny's apartment tonight...
- 796. there's a good chance
I'll develop a stutter.
- 797. P-P-P-Please don't do this to me.
- 798. - That is so cheap.
- 799. So I'm working in a tollbooth now.
- 800. I originally wanted to be
a male model...
- 801. but I'm not very good-looking,
so that didn't work out.
- 802. I'm sorry to hear that.
- 803. I'm all right. I'm recovering.
- 804. This is my favorite part
of the song right here.
- 805. If I can't have you
- 806. Better keep it down low.
The kid's gonna wake up.
- 807. Too late.
- 808. Okay. Just hang out a little bit.
- 809. I'll be right back.
Don't go sneaking out.
- 810. - What are you doing?
- You forgot to say good night.
- 811. What do you mean?
- 812. I can't go to sleep
until you say good night.
- 813. I didn't know that.
I'm sorry. Good night.
- 814. Go to sleep now, all right?
- 815. What'd we learn about girls?
- 816. Initiating the conversation
is half the battle.
- 817. Bingo. Now sleep, okay?
- 818. I gave him Nyquil.
He should be out for the night.
- 819. This is Styx. They've been
my favorite band since I was 12.
- 820. You're kidding me.
- 821. No, I can't help it.
I just love them.
- 822. My friends make fun of me.
- 823. My friends make fun of me too.
I've seen them 25 times.
- 824. Tommy Shaw, when I was 16,
I was at the concert...
- 825. and he reached down,
pulled me on stage.
- 826. I did the robot voice for "Mr. Roboto."
- 827. Really?
- 828. No, I made that up. I'm sorry.
- 829. That would've been cool, right?
- 830. My cousin's friends
with their drummer...
- 831. so when they come to town,
we go to dinner...
- 832. and they tell us stories
from the road.
- 833. Really?
- 834. No, I made that up again too.
- 835. You're not attracted to, like,
60-year-old guys, are you?
- 836. Yeah, I don't like them either.
- 837. I can't sleep.
- 838. He can't sleep.
- 839. So the rabbit ran across the street...
- 840. because he thought
he saw some carrots.
- 841. But when he got across the street...
- 842. it turned out they weren't carrots,
they were peanuts.
- 843. Peanuts?
- 844. The peanuts belonged to a squirrel...
- 845. who had taken them home
from a baseball game.
- 846. And then the rabbit
thought to himself...
- 847. "Carrots, peanuts,
what's the difference?"
- 848. So he asked the squirrel
if he could have some.
- 849. And the squirrel said, "Of course."
- 850. And the rabbit was very happy
to make such a nice new friend.
- 851. And so was the squirrel.
- 852. And the rabbit thought the squirrel
had pretty hair.
- 853. And nice eyes also.
- 854. And the squirrel thought the rabbit
was really nice too.
- 855. And then, the rabbit
worked up his courage...
- 856. and asked the squirrel
if he could have...
- 857. just the littlest squirrel kiss.
- 858. And the squirrel thought
it just wasn't the right time...
- 859. in her busy squirrel life
to be kissing any rabbits...
- 860. even though this particular rabbit
was very sweet.
- 861. And the rabbit got shut down, did he?
- 862. That's all right.
But he was still thinking maybe...
- 863. Scuba Steve could get
a squirrel kiss...
- 864. so somebody's getting some action.
- 865. Good night, Scuba Steve.
- 866. Good night, Frankenstein.
- 867. Good night, Sonny.
- 868. Good night, Layla.
- 869. Don't get caught with any girls.
- 870. It's your first day. Take it slow.
- 871. I'll meet you after school
at 2:30, right out front.
- 872. You're not staying?
- 873. No, I gotta go get you
some more ketchup.
- 874. I don't like these kids.
- 875. I don't either,
but shouldn't we give them a chance?
- 876. How's this?
- 877. Here are the magic sunglasses.
- 878. You put them on
if you feel scared, okay?
- 879. I lost you.
- 880. I don't know where you are.
- 881. Oh, there you go.
- 882. You go inside and make some friends.
- 883. Oh, yeah, that's a good hug.
- 884. All right. Go inside.
I'm gonna miss you.
- 885. Hi, I like your hat.
- 886. What's your name?
- 887. - Might as well...
- Leave a message!
- 888. - Might as well...
- Leave a message!
- 889. Mr. Gerrity, this is Arthur Brooks
from Social Services. I got good news.
- 890. We may have found
a family for Julian.
- 891. Give me a call back
as soon as possible...
- 892. so we can set up a meeting. Bye.
- 893. Sierra Club Legal Department.
- 894. Can I speak to Layla Maloney?
- 895. Layla, line four.
- 896. You're a lawyer?
- 897. What are you doing?
- 898. Waiting for Julian so I can have
somebody to play with.
- 899. - What are you doing?
- I'm swamped.
- 900. I gotta do my laundry
on my lunch hour.
- 901. I was gonna do my laundry today too.
Where are you going?
- 902. There's a place nearby,
Suds, on Bleecker.
- 903. I know that place.
Maybe I'll see you there then.
- 904. Maybe. I gotta go.
- 905. I bought tickets,
and the show was the night before.
- 906. Maybe it was a mistake.
- 907. That's nice, but you don't know
what's going down on the streets.
- 908. It's hard to know what's going down...
- 909. when you're in an office
seven days a week, Mr. Tollbooth.
- 910. You're not gonna tell me
to get a real job.
- 911. No. You're a big boy.
- 912. It's cool you only work
one day a week.
- 913. These are the cutest things
I've ever seen.
- 914. I know.
- 915. I have them in yellow.
I wear them when I work out.
- 916. It's great what you're doing
with Julian while you got him.
- 917. Yeah, well, I got him.
- 918. I read an article that said...
- 919. the most important influences
in a kid's life are his friends.
- 920. They said that?
- 921. Just hope he's not hanging out with
drug dealers and delinquents in school.
- 922. I'm kidding.
- 923. I know. I know.
- 924. Man, this Yoo-hoo is good.
You know what else is good?
- 925. Smoking dope.
- 926. I ain't going to rat you out.
- 927. Puffing the cheeba.
- 928. Go by the seesaw, smoke a J.
You know what I'm talking about?
- 929. I have a bellybutton.
- 930. You have a bellybutton?
We all have bellybuttons.
- 931. And we all love Yoo-hoo.
Especially with a little rum.
- 932. What's rum?
- 933. You don't know?
- 934. Rumpelstiltskin?
- 935. Rumpelstiltskin's a good man.
So are you guys.
- 936. Stay clean. Stay focused.
- 937. Frankenstein,
have fun with your friends.
- 938. Why are you scratching so much?
- 939. I have ecza...
- 940. Eczema? Gross.
- 941. How do I make it stop itching?
- 942. I don't know. You scratch it.
- 943. SpaghettiO's. Do you like
- 944. Dented cans are half price.
- 945. Microsoft went down three points.
We gotta save some money.
- 946. Here, give it a shot.
- 947. That's it, boy.
- 948. Put it in there. Feels good.
- 949. Hi, Sonny.
Hi, Sonny's friend.
- 950. His name's Frankenstein.
- 951. Hi, Frankenstein. Remember me?
- 952. Help me. I'm lost.
I don't know where I am.
- 953. You don't gotta do that.
- 954. You guys wear the same size
T-shirt. That's cool.
- 955. I heard you did laundry
with my sister.
- 956. She said we did laundry?
- 957. Where I'm from, it's called
doing the hibbity-dibbity.
- 958. I got eczema.
- 959. Well, then you shouldn't scratch it.
- 960. Don't tell him what to do.
He can scratch.
- 961. - Scratch.
- Is that better?
- 962. - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- 963. You know about kids?
I thought you were a foot doctor.
- 964. It's not doctor stuff. It's common
sense. Scratching spreads rashes.
- 965. This is something
you learned at Hooters.
- 966. - What the hell is he doing?
- He's shopping.
- 967. Microsoft went down three points.
- 968. That's good.
See you later, Frankenstein.
- 969. Stay away from the frozen-food section.
Your boobs'll harden.
- 970. Isn't Little Italy the greatest?
- 971. I like it. Everyone always tells me
to hang out in the Village and SoHo.
- 972. That's all right.
- 973. But you gotta respect a place where
the fatter you are, the cooler you are.
- 974. Last time, he was with
a different girl. I guess he ate her.
- 975. I went to Coney Island today
with the little boy.
- 976. You gotta take a look at this.
- 977. We had a blast together.
- 978. He's so happy.
- 979. He is such a good boy.
- 980. If I have a kid of my own,
I hope he's half as cool as that kid.
- 981. Is he picking your nose?
- 982. Yeah, he was picking his own all day...
- 983. - so I figured he could borrow mine.
- 984. He must be miserable
without you right now.
- 985. No, he's in good hands.
- 986. Look at Brad's body.
Not an ounce of fat on it.
- 987. - What?
- Don't worry. I like yours better.
- 988. I got two queens, two jacks
and an ace.
- 989. - I win.
- Why do you win?
- 990. I got a two, a four, a ten,
an eight and a six.
- 991. I don't understand.
Why do you win?
- 992. - Because I win.
- What's the name of that game?
- 993. I win.
- 994. I'll get it!
- 995. - What's up?
- I'm looking for Kevin Gerrity.
- 996. He's in China. Who are you?
- 997. Arthur Brooks, New York City
Social Services. I'm confused.
- 998. Chinatown. He loves those egg rolls.
- 999. I've tried contacting him several times
and he hasn't responded.
- 1000. I'm concerned.
- 1001. Ixnay on the ketchupnay.
- 1002. - Have him call me.
- All right.
- 1003. My body's definitely better than his.
- 1004. Without question.
- 1005. It took you a long time to pencil me in.
You work all the time.
- 1006. I know. I'm excited.
- 1007. You're excited.
How long you been this crazy?
- 1008. I guess ever since
I was a little girl.
- 1009. See, my mom got married really young
and pretty much just raised us kids.
- 1010. So when my dad took off...
- 1011. she wasn't left
with a lot of options.
- 1012. And I think that's when I decided...
- 1013. that I never wanted to end up
in that situation.
- 1014. That's actually a good reason
to be working.
- 1015. I guess I feel like I gotta kick ass
while there's ass to be kicked.
- 1016. You kick that ass during the day,
but at night you have fun with Sonny.
- 1017. The Best of Times
- 1018. Are when I'm alone with you
- 1019. Some rain, some shine
- 1020. Two guys you were best friends with in
law school fell in love with each other?
- 1021. Is that strange for you?
- 1022. No. Nothing changed, really.
- 1023. They watch a different kind
of porno now. But that's it.
- 1024. My God! This is Corinne's place?
- 1025. If the girls at Hooters
could see her now.
- 1026. - Do you want your ass kicked?
- I'm just kidding around, Layla.
- 1027. You're afraid to get involved
and you got a lot of work, but...
- 1028. when I'm not with you, I'm thinking
of you. Do you have that going on?
- 1029. Maybe.
- 1030. Maybe we should try a kiss out.
- 1031. We owe it to ourselves to see
if we should move to the next level.
- 1032. I'm not sure.
- 1033. Me either. It's just that
you kissed Scuba Steve.
- 1034. Ever since then,
he's strutted around bragging...
- 1035. "I got a kiss the first night.
After three times, you got nothing."
- 1036. - He said that?
- Come on.
- 1037. Let's just give it a shot
just so I can have some dignity.
- 1038. All right?
- 1039. Oh, my God!
- 1040. Gross!
- 1041. Did I witness the first kiss?
- 1042. Yeah, you did.
Thanks a lot for showing up.
- 1043. Layla, you didn't actually
enjoy that, did you?
- 1044. I don't know. I'm going upstairs.
- 1045. Wash your mouth out. He's dirty.
- 1046. And he's poor.
- 1047. What do you got in the bag, Corinne?
Some chicken wings? Booby tassels?
- 1048. Shut up.
- 1049. You have a good sleep.
- 1050. Pleasant Hooters.
- 1051. Come on, come on!
- 1052. This is where we hang our jackets.
- 1053. This is my hook.
- 1054. That's a capertillar.
- 1055. A caterpillar.
- 1056. - That's right, a capertillar.
- Capertillar, all right.
- 1057. - Staying clean, pal?
- 1058. You drink the booze, you lose.
Remember that, punk.
- 1059. I'm Julian's teacher, Ms. Foote.
- 1060. - You his father?
- I'm Kevin Gerrity.
- 1061. Do you have some time to go over some
things that have been bothering me?
- 1062. Sure.
- 1063. Go take a walk, pal.
- 1064. Julian has been displaying
some odd behavior.
- 1065. He spilled glue on the floor
and didn't tell anyone.
- 1066. He covered it with newspaper.
- 1067. And then one of our students wore
Rollerblades for show-and-tell.
- 1068. And Julian tripped him with a stick.
- 1069. I've never...
- 1070. Julian found it hilarious.
- 1071. I like him to express himself freely.
- 1072. I've really never seen
any problems with that.
- 1073. Your boy's making the least progress
of any of the children.
- 1074. Frankly, his personal hygiene
is becoming a cause for concern.
- 1075. He's the smelly kid in class?
I let him become the smelly kid?
- 1076. What's wrong with me?
- 1077. I've had some smelly ones before.
- 1078. But your son is by far the smelliest.
- 1079. All right, I got you.
What do you think I should do?
- 1080. Start by paying more attention
to his schoolwork.
- 1081. The class is giving a presentation
of the Founding Fathers.
- 1082. Julian has drawn the part of Benjamin
Franklin, a very important role.
- 1083. Do what you can to help.
- 1084. I will turn this all around.
That's a promise.
- 1085. Thank you very much.
- 1086. Stinky, let's go.
You got us in trouble.
- 1087. Did he call him "Stinky"?
- 1088. Wow, I didn't know this
about George Washington.
- 1089. Yes, his teeth were made of wool.
- 1090. Wood.
- 1091. I sorry. I mix up "D" and "L."
- 1092. Well, get it right.
- 1093. Turn that game off, pal.
- 1094. I got four guys left.
- 1095. Let's study a little bit.
- 1096. I don't wanna study.
- 1097. Give me that.
- 1098. - You just killed me.
- So what? You'll play later.
- 1099. You can't tell me what to do.
- 1100. Really? Let's take a vote.
Who thinks the kid should study?
- 1101. Who doesn't?
Well, you just lost, two to one.
- 1102. It's a tie. That guy doesn't count.
He can't even read.
- 1103. I know. He was just joking around.
- 1104. Can you hang out here a little bit?
I gotta go do something.
- 1105. No problem.
- 1106. Would you like
- 1107. We'll hop, hop, hop, hop
- 1108. What do you say
- 1109. Get the door.
- 1110. Hi, Julian. How you doing?
- 1111. I'm Scuba Sam.
- 1112. Scuba Steve's father.
- 1113. You see, my boy...
- 1114. needs to take a bath.
- 1115. The only problem is...
- 1116. he's afraid to bathe alone.
- 1117. So I was wondering...
- 1118. if maybe you could keep him company
in the tub.
- 1119. Terrific.
- 1120. And after the bath, you have to try
and study hard.
- 1121. Because if you wanna be a member of
the Scuba Squad, you have to be smart.
- 1122. I could be in the Scuba Squad?
- 1123. Well, sure. All you have to do
is work hard.
- 1124. And don't tell a soul
about the Scuba Squad...
- 1125. because then everybody will
- 1126. And one more thing...
- 1127. be nice to the delivery guy,
- 1128. It's not his fault he can't read.
- 1129. Take care.
- 1130. He told me to watch his boat for him.
Said that he wanted to...
- 1131. talk to you about
some secret mission.
- 1132. I have no idea what
you're talking about.
- 1133. How come I have to wear
a bathing suit?
- 1134. I don't know the rules...
- 1135. with little kids and grownups
and being naked and just sit down.
- 1136. The good news is you're not
smelling like a foot anymore.
- 1137. I read something interesting.
You know Benjamin Franklin invented...
- 1138. bifocals? That's pretty cool.
- 1139. What are they?
- 1140. I'll show you in that book. It might
help you out with your school play.
- 1141. We'll make this a regular thing.
- 1142. Bathing and studying
and eating right.
- 1143. Put your head back.
My grandmother did this to me.
- 1144. "Oh, boy. When I was a little girl,
frankfurters only cost a nickel."
- 1145. Can you still have fun?
- 1146. Yeah, but after you study.
- 1147. In fact, we gotta get you
- 1148. We'll go to Barney's.
- 1149. Not that Barney.
A more expensive Barney.
- 1150. All right, one at a time.
- 1151. That's one.
- 1152. Two.
- 1153. See? Urinals are good too.
- 1154. "Electricity."
- 1155. Very good.
- 1156. "Constitution."
- 1157. That's it.
- 1158. "Philadelphia."
- 1159. Smart. Good.
- 1160. "Fish"?
- 1161. "Pony"?
- 1162. "Hip..."
- 1163. "Hiphop..."
- 1164. "Hipopynonamous"?
- 1165. Damn you! You gave him the easy ones!
- 1166. - Thanks!
- You're welcome.
- 1167. Slow down.
- 1168. You owe me a Sausage McMuffin.
- 1169. There's a pole there.
- 1170. My name is Alexander Hamilton.
- 1171. I was the first secretary
of the treasury.
- 1172. I owned a bank and a newspaper.
- 1173. Aaron Bird shot me.
- 1174. Hi, my name is Benjamin Franklin.
- 1175. I was a writer, a diplomat...
- 1176. an inventor and a statesman...
- 1177. although I only went to school
for two years.
- 1178. I wrote many books and invented
many things we still use today.
- 1179. The Declaration of Independence
- 1180. Who will be the first to sign?
- 1181. - How about you, John Hancock?
- I want to sign!
- 1182. - Look at my man stand strong.
- He's so cute.
- 1183. What are your cards?
- 1184. I got a six, a five, a jack,
a four and a eight.
- 1185. I win.
- 1186. What do you mean?
- 1187. I had a hand just like that.
I didn't win.
- 1188. Because I win.
- 1189. This is bullshit!
- 1190. All right. Take it easy, man.
- 1191. Every time it's different cards.
- 1192. So what? Relax. He's a kid.
- 1193. There should be same set of rules,
no matter what age.
- 1194. He's gotta learn how to lose too.
- 1195. - Hello, Mr. Koufax.
- Mr. Brooks, how you doing?
- 1196. I was gonna give you a buzz.
- 1197. You just called me Mr. Koufax,
- 1198. It is your name, isn't it?
- 1199. You held yourself out
to be Kevin Gerrity...
- 1200. to gain custody of young Julian.
- 1201. Big problem in this state.
- 1202. I've delivered to you before.
- 1203. You always order
three pieces of cheesecake.
- 1204. The real Kevin Gerrity
asked me to take care of...
- 1205. Save it, Mr. Koufax.
- 1206. He has to come with me
or I'll arrest you.
- 1207. Take out your handcuffs.
- 1208. I don't have any,
but two policemen downstairs do.
- 1209. Listen, Sonny, I would like to help...
- 1210. but my status in your country
is not what you would call legal.
- 1211. It's okay.
- 1212. I'm Audi.
- 1213. Julian, you're gonna have to
come with me.
- 1214. One second, pal.
- 1215. Would you just give me a second
to say goodbye to the kid?
- 1216. Take a second.
- 1217. You don't want me here anymore?
- 1218. No, that's not it, pal.
- 1219. You just gotta go away
for a little while.
- 1220. How long am I going away for?
- 1221. I don't wanna lie to you.
- 1222. I don't think we're gonna...
- 1223. be seeing each other anymore.
- 1224. I screwed up, pal. I'm so sorry.
- 1225. Come here.
- 1226. Put your coat on.
- 1227. It's not your fault, okay?
I'm the idiot.
- 1228. - I don't wanna go.
- I know you don't.
- 1229. But you have to,
and you're gonna be okay.
- 1230. Please don't make me go.
- 1231. I'm sorry, but I don't know
what else to do.
- 1232. I won't play
the kangaroo song anymore.
- 1233. Come on.
- 1234. Just go. You gotta go.
- 1235. You gotta go.
- 1236. I don't wanna go. I promise...
- 1237. I'm sorry. I don't even
like that song anymore.
- 1238. I know, pal. That's not it.
- 1239. But I wipe my own ass!
I wipe my own ass!
- 1240. I know.
- 1241. - Layla, they took the kid.
- 1242. Social Services.
I gotta get him back.
- 1243. You said this was just temporary.
- 1244. I can't have it be temporary.
It's gotta be permanent.
- 1245. Okay, what can we do?
- 1246. I filed to get custody based
on the child's best interests.
- 1247. Tommy knew a clerk, so they fast-tracked
the hearing. It's Tuesday.
- 1248. - This Tuesday?
- You got work?
- 1249. I gotta go to Washington
for a hearing to dismiss my case.
- 1250. Can you get somebody else?
- 1251. I'm sorry, Sonny.
I can't. It's my case.
- 1252. We don't even know where
this kid's gonna end up.
- 1253. Sonny, this is exactly why
I didn't wanna get involved.
- 1254. I had things going the way I wanted.
- 1255. Then at the park, you and this kid
come barging into my life...
- 1256. and it's screwing up everything
I had planned.
- 1257. You think I planned on a kid
showing up on my doorstep?
- 1258. But I fell in love with him.
- 1259. So now my plans have changed.
- 1260. All rise.
- 1261. We're here to determine
proper custody of Julian McGrath...
- 1262. also known as Julian Gerrity,
a minor child.
- 1263. Representing New York City?
- 1264. Ted Castellucci.
- 1265. Arthur Brooks, Social Services.
- 1266. And representing Sonny Koufax?
- 1267. Phillip D'Amato.
- 1268. Thomas Grayton.
- 1269. Plus, I'll pretty much
be representing myself.
- 1270. Anyone else?
- 1271. Layla Maloney, Your Honor.
- 1272. Does this mean that you love me?
- 1273. Something like that.
- 1274. First witness.
- 1275. Koufax is a good egg.
He was nice to that kid.
- 1276. But he fights like a girl.
- 1277. You like that?
- 1278. I'm right here, miss.
- 1279. What are you gonna do about it?
- 1280. Are you drunk, Mr. Herlihy?
- 1281. I had a few chardonnays. What of it?
- 1282. Get off the stand.
- 1283. You got it.
- 1284. I've got a few problems.
- 1285. Off to a good start.
- 1286. Mr. Koufax is a really cool guy.
I wish my dad was as cool as him.
- 1287. My dad was a military man.
- 1288. Guess I wasn't such a "good soldier."
- 1289. When I was 35, he attempted to give me
a crew cut while I was sleeping.
- 1290. I broke his arm,
haven't seen him since.
- 1291. I'd rather live on the streets
than under his rules.
- 1292. Anyway, I think Mr. Koufax should be
acquitted of all the charges.
- 1293. If O.J. can get away with murder,
why can't Sonny have his kid?
- 1294. This guy knows what I'm talking about.
- 1295. No more questions.
- 1296. How long have you delivered food
to Mr. Koufax?
- 1297. I deliver food for six years.
- 1298. Plus, I'm stripper.
But I've put on weight so it's problem.
- 1299. I see. And in your experience,
was Sonny a good father to Julian?
- 1300. Oh, yes. They make terrific pair.
- 1301. They went together like
lamb and tuna fish.
- 1302. Lamb and tuna fish?
- 1303. Spaghetti and meatball?
You more comfortable with that analogy?
- 1304. Yes, considering we're in America.
- 1305. If you don't like spaghetti
and meatballs, get out.
- 1306. I'll come give you a crew cut.
- 1307. Let's see your clippers.
- 1308. Not my problem your dad was sick.
- 1309. Stop yelling at me!
- 1310. Order! Order! Order!
- 1311. Am I in the right room?
- 1312. Who the hell are you?
- 1313. I'm Mr. Koufax's co-counsel.
- 1314. He has enough co-counsels.
- 1315. Well...
- 1316. one more won't hurt.
- 1317. Let's get on with it.
- 1318. Mr. Koufax is simply parading
his buddies up there.
- 1319. Can't they find someone
who isn't a friend?
- 1320. What were Julian
and Mr. Koufax doing?
- 1321. Shopping.
- 1322. Did he appear to be
an attentive, loving father?
- 1323. He certainly did.
- 1324. And how long have you
disliked Mr. Koufax?
- 1325. Since the day I met him.
- 1326. For the record, where did you work
during medical school?
- 1327. Hooters.
- 1328. No further questions.
- 1329. Asshole.
- 1330. Next witness.
- 1331. We'd like to call Julian McGrath.
- 1332. If it's okay with you,
I'd like to ask you a few questions.
- 1333. This is just you and me talking...
- 1334. so don't pay attention to
- 1335. Can you tell me how old you are?
- 1336. Your Honor, one second.
- 1337. That's better, huh?
- 1338. Can you tell me
how old you are?
- 1339. Five.
- 1340. What's your birthday?
- 1341. July 15th.
- 1342. Where were you born?
- 1343. Toronto.
- 1344. Toronto? I thought you were
- 1345. I moved to Buffalo with my mommy.
- 1346. For the past six weeks, you've been
living with Sonny?
- 1347. Did you and Sonny have fun?
- 1348. What kind of things would you do?
- 1349. He taught me how to do the sleeper hold
like Chief Jay Strongbow.
- 1350. That's nice.
- 1351. Anything else?
- 1352. He taught me how to pee on a building.
- 1353. Really?
- 1354. And he taught me that Styx was
one of the greatest American rock bands.
- 1355. They only caught a bad rap...
- 1356. because most critics
are cynical assholes.
- 1357. I think we'd all agree with that.
- 1358. Before you came here, do you remember
the last thing your mommy said to you?
- 1359. That she loved me and I was gonna
live with my new daddy.
- 1360. If your mother could pick anyone
to be your new daddy...
- 1361. who would she pick?
- 1362. Sonny.
- 1363. Thank you, Julian.
- 1364. You can step down now.
- 1365. That went good, don't you think?
- 1366. I don't know.
Judge doesn't look too happy.
- 1367. Mr. Koufax, anyone else?
- 1368. I'd like to call upon myself,
- 1369. Awesome.
- 1370. Which of your esteemed co-counsels
will examine you?
- 1371. My father, Lenny Koufax.
- 1372. What?
- 1373. Forget it, Sonny.
- 1374. What is going on?
- 1375. Nobody in this world thinks I shouldn't
have a child more than that man.
- 1376. He also happens to be
a well-respected lawyer in Florida.
- 1377. If I can make a believer out of him,
I can make a believer out of everybody.
- 1378. This court is after the truth, not
the opinion of the defendant's father.
- 1379. You want my opinion?
My son is a moron.
- 1380. I withdraw my objection.
- 1381. This is a big mistake.
- 1382. I only came today to make sure
you didn't end up in jail.
- 1383. That was nice of you. Thank you.
- 1384. To do what I think is right here.
- 1385. Cut your fingernails.
They're too long.
- 1386. Okay, Dad.
- 1387. This case is simple.
- 1388. It is absurd to think that Sonny Koufax
is ready to raise a child.
- 1389. - Objection!
- Shut up, Tommy.
- 1390. Sorry, Mr. Koufax.
- 1391. First of all, how did...
- 1392. this sweet little boy, Julian,
end up under your supervision?
- 1393. I told Social Services
that my name was Kevin Gerrity.
- 1394. - Of course, you are not Kevin Gerrity.
- 1395. - So you lied.
- 1396. Like the time I found a bag of pot
in your drawer...
- 1397. and you said you thought
they were pencil shavings.
- 1398. Remember when I told you Aunt Fay
was coming to New York...
- 1399. and I wanted you to
show her the city?
- 1400. And you said that you had
better things to do.
- 1401. That's right.
- 1402. I'm curious. Just what were those
better things that you had to do?
- 1403. Jethro Tull had a reunion concert
in New Jersey, so I caught that.
- 1404. What happened to Aunt Fay
- 1405. She died.
- 1406. Yes, she did.
- 1407. Did you happen to make it
to her funeral?
- 1408. Why not?
- 1409. I went to Jones Beach,
got drunk and fell asleep.
- 1410. Hell, yes!
- 1411. Some role model.
- 1412. Your Honor...
- 1413. my son doesn't have health insurance.
- 1414. He doesn't know how to boil an egg.
- 1415. He filed for social security
at the age of 30.
- 1416. He is a drain on the economy,
on the country...
- 1417. and most of all, on me!
- 1418. Your Honor...
- 1419. to give this young man...
- 1420. custody over another life
is not only wrong...
- 1421. it's insane.
- 1422. I love you.
- 1423. What?
- 1424. Don't be scared. It's all right.
- 1425. I'm not scared.
- 1426. If I get custody of Julian,
I'll be his father forever.
- 1427. That scares you because you think
there's a good chance I'll fail.
- 1428. Sonny, it's more than a chance.
It's a certainty.
- 1429. You're wrong, Dad.
- 1430. You can be scared that I might get
pickpocketed in a bad neighborhood...
- 1431. or break my legs skiing.
- 1432. But don't be scared about me
being a dad, because I will not fail.
- 1433. I love this kid too much.
- 1434. I love him as much as
you love me, Dad.
- 1435. I'm gonna give him advice
and I'm gonna guide him...
- 1436. and I'll be there
whenever he needs me.
- 1437. I'll fly to New York to be
at his court case...
- 1438. even if I disagree with
why he's there.
- 1439. But, Sonny, you work in a tollbooth.
- 1440. Don't worry about money.
- 1441. I am in love with a beautiful girl
who makes plenty of it.
- 1442. She'll be my sugar mama.
- 1443. I gotta get me one of those.
- 1444. I know this is the right thing
because I would die for this kid...
- 1445. just so he won't feel
one ounce of sadness.
- 1446. That's why you're here right now,
to protect me, to be scared for me...
- 1447. to be a good father.
- 1448. And that's exactly what I'm gonna be.
- 1449. Hello, Dad?
- 1450. Yeah, I just wanted to say I love you.
- 1451. Hi, Mom? Could you put Dad
on the phone for a second?
- 1452. Can I borrow that when you're done?
- 1453. Your Honor...
- 1454. my son deserves this kid.
- 1455. I love you too, sir.
- 1456. Mr. Koufax...
- 1457. the fact is
you kidnapped this child.
- 1458. Not only shouldn't you get custody...
- 1459. but since you obtained him
by defrauding the state...
- 1460. you should be in jail.
- 1461. Bailiff, remand him until
I can figure out the punishment.
- 1462. Wait. You can't take him away.
- 1463. As that boy's father,
I refuse to press charges.
- 1464. Oh, God. Corinne, I'm sorry.
- 1465. Six years ago, Joe Carter...
- 1466. Joe Carter?
- 1467. Toronto and the Phillies.
- 1468. Mitch Williams...
We flew up for the night.
- 1469. There was a girl.
- 1470. Oh, God.
- 1471. I'm an idiot. I was so hammered.
- 1472. Chicken wings, Molson 3-0.
Canadian beer is like moonshine.
- 1473. Hell, yes.
- 1474. You remember?
It was at that Toronto Hooters.
- 1475. That was before he met you.
That Hooters thing is a coincidence.
- 1476. I'm sorry, Corinne.
- 1477. I know this changes everything,
but I had to do the right thing.
- 1478. Mr. Castellucci.
- 1479. Pending a blood test, I...
- 1480. Whatever.
- 1481. The court grants custody to Kevin
Gerrity, pending the DNA test results.
- 1482. I want you to be my dad, Sonny.
- 1483. I know. I do too, pal.
- 1484. But I'm not sure that can happen
exactly the way we want it.
- 1485. Because it seems you
already have a daddy.
- 1486. But I'll tell you what I can do.
- 1487. I can be your friend, no matter what.
- 1488. I'll always be your friend.
- 1489. I'll always be your family.
I'll always be around.
- 1490. I promise.
- 1491. The kid's good at tying his shoes.
- 1492. He's not great at it,
so work with him.
- 1493. - I'll teach him bunny ears.
- What's bunny ears?
- 1494. Make bunny ears,
cross and pull them through.
- 1495. I go with this loop, swoop
and pull thing. He likes that.
- 1496. - I don't know that.
- Go with the loop, swoop and pull.
- 1497. I swear to God it's working.
- 1498. All right.
- 1499. Go with the bunny ears thing.
You're his dad, right? I'm sorry.
- 1500. It's important, when you eat
at my restaurant...
- 1501. you never order BLT.
- 1502. You must trust me.
Stay away from BLT, okay?
- 1503. Hey, guys.
- 1504. I'm gonna leave you
with your dad now, Julian.
- 1505. He's a good man.
I've known him my whole life.
- 1506. So you two have fun
and I'll see you in the morning.
- 1507. All right?
- 1508. - Quit scaring the kid for a minute.
- Who am I scaring?
- 1509. Bye, pal.
- 1510. I went to China.
Do you know where that is?
- 1511. It's in Asia, which is...
- 1512. by Europe.
I brought some cool stuff back.
- 1513. Did you move the bench?
- 1514. That's pretty funny.
- 1515. You know what I got?
Some noisemakers. Check this out.
- 1516. Wanna try one?
- 1517. That's my foot!
- 1518. You're nice man.
- 1519. I've got Spice Channel.
It's blurry but it's nice.
- 1520. Let's make this quick.
I gotta get to work.
- 1521. Holy shit. Sonny Koufax
would rather work than eat.
- 1522. I'm working on a big case.
I gotta sue you for making me come here.
- 1523. Surprise!
- 1524. Did you just waste
the good surprise on me again?
- 1525. Hi, Corinne.
- 1526. - Happy birthday.
- Thanks, everybody.
- 1527. Hey, you guys. How are you?
- 1528. Happy birthday, Daddy.
- 1529. How you doing, cutie?
- 1530. Sonny, I beat you so bad
in basketball yesterday.
- 1531. From now on, I have to
stop letting you win.
- 1532. I stopped that months ago.
He still wins.
- 1533. That's because you suck.
- 1534. Corinne, put a tank top on
for old time's sake.
- 1535. - What is he talking about, Mommy?
- 1536. - Happy birthday, Sonny.
- Thank you.
- 1537. It's a clock radio.
- 1538. - Thanks for telling me.
- I have to split.
- 1539. I got deliveries.
- 1540. Hang out with us. We'll have fun.
- 1541. No, I can't stay.
I'll hang for a little bit.
- 1542. There you go. Come on,
let's eat, everybody.
- 1543. Hey, you! Still missing
that tooth, huh?
- 1544. Can we get some fries?
- 1545. Vanessa.
- 1546. You're a Hooters girl?
- 1547. What happened to Sid's five-year plan?
- 1548. How you doing?
- 1549. - Maybe it's a 10-year plan.
- Is that the guy with the old balls?
- 1550. I think it is.
- 1551. Come on. I bet they're nice.
- 1552. You're not supposed to say "balls."