1. Good evening folks, hmm...Copy !req
2. Good evening you, slags.Copy !req
3. No, good evening folks.Copy !req
4. So, who is Robbie Williams?Copy !req
5. Well, I've been called
many things -Copy !req
6. narcissistic, punchable,
shit-eating twat,Copy !req
7. but while I'm all those things,Copy !req
8. I wanna show you
how I really see myself.Copy !req
9. So sit back, relax,Copy !req
10. while I give you a right
fucking entertaining.Copy !req
11. So, the story starts...Copy !req
12. 1982, Stoke-on-Trent.Copy !req
13. The arse-end of the
north of England.Copy !req
14. It may look grubby and
deprived, but deep down,Copy !req
15. it was grubby and deprived.Copy !req
16. I didn't have much,Copy !req
17. but at least I had the respect
and admiration of my peers.Copy !req
18. - Crystal.
- What!Copy !req
19. They just had
trouble showing it.Copy !req
20. - Robert.
- Yes! Come on!Copy !req
21. Oi! Right, knobhead!Copy !req
22. Pass the ball to Nate
and let him do the rest.Copy !req
23. Positions!Copy !req
24. Oi! The fuck you off to?
You're in goal.Copy !req
25. - But—
- Don't fuck it up.Copy !req
26. I'm like a chainmail condom,
nothing's getting through.Copy !req
27. Whoo! Let's go, slags!Copy !req
28. I had plenty of balls.Copy !req
29. But I couldn't stop
a single one.Copy !req
30. I wasn't ready.Copy !req
31. - Nice one, dickhead.
- Come on!Copy !req
32. Robert Williams,
captain of Port Vale.Copy !req
33. You really are fucking
useless, aren't ya?Copy !req
34. Little bitch!Copy !req
35. It's alright, Rob.Copy !req
36. Nate, just leave it.Copy !req
37. Yeah...
Yeah, jog on, you tit.Copy !req
38. - Right, come on, let's go.Copy !req
39. You're a fucking nobody!Copy !req
40. See, where I grew up,Copy !req
41. you were meant to act small.Copy !req
42. But the thing is,
my DNA is cabaret.Copy !req
43. I came out of the womb
with jazz hands.Copy !req
44. Which was very painful
for my mum.Copy !req
45. Heading downstairs
for a bit.Copy !req
46. One of the barmen's
called in sick.Copy !req
47. Goodnight, sweetheart.
Straight to bed, yeah?Copy !req
48. - Don't let him ruin his dinner.
- Bye, love.Copy !req
49. How's about a warm
hand on my entrance?Copy !req
50. Thank you.
Thank you...Copy !req
51. My dad was well enamouredCopy !req
52. by the stars of the day -Copy !req
53. Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr
and of course, Sinatra.Copy !req
54. They were gods to him.Copy !req
55. Youth, you hear that?
That's pure love, that is.Copy !req
56. It don't come cheap, mind.Copy !req
57. You've got to risk it all -
whatever it takes.Copy !req
58. Because if you make it...Copy !req
59. ..it's paradise.Copy !req
60. Thing is, you can't learn it.Copy !req
61. You're either born with it...Copy !req
62. .. or you're a nobody.Copy !req
63. - Light 'em up!
- Light 'em up!Copy !req
64. Oh, fuck it!
Now, look what you've—Copy !req
65. Sorry.Copy !req
66. I had a full head
of steam then, and all.Copy !req
67. - I can fix it.
- Get out the way.Copy !req
68. - We can sing without it.
- It's not the same.Copy !req
69. - Or... or we could—
- Robert!Copy !req
70. I think it's time for a bath.Copy !req
71. But I want to keep going.Copy !req
72. Just go with your Nan, will ya!Copy !req
73. Come on, love. Come on.Copy !req
74. Stupid...
Come on, blue eyes...Copy !req
75. - Nan?
- Hm-mm.Copy !req
76. What is... 'it'?Copy !req
77. What do you mean?Copy !req
78. Dad said you have
to be born with 'it'...Copy !req
79. .. and maybe I wasn't.Copy !req
80. Believe me, whatever 'it' is,
you got more than your share.Copy !req
81. You're just saying that.Copy !req
82. I'm bloody well not.Copy !req
83. I wouldn't change
a hair on your head.Copy !req
84. What is it, love?Copy !req
85. I don't want to be a nobody.Copy !req
86. Oh, love, there's no
such thing as a nobody.Copy !req
87. Remember...Copy !req
88. This might feel good.Copy !req
89. But this...Copy !req
90. .. this is what matters.Copy !req
91. You're enough.Copy !req
92. I was nine years oldCopy !req
93. when I got my first real taste
of the limelight.Copy !req
94. And I still remember
that taste -Copy !req
95. pure, unadulterated terror.Copy !req
96. Have you seen
the fit one with the big bulge?Copy !req
97. After the show,
I'm going to touch himCopy !req
98. where his bathing suit goes.Copy !req
99. I'm going to fuck it up,
I know it.Copy !req
100. So what?
No one will notice.Copy !req
101. My dad will.Copy !req
102. Just go out there, sing your
fucking song and walk off.Copy !req
103. That's not enough!
îíHe'll see right through me.Copy !req
104. What am I going to do?Copy !req
105. I don't know. I'm just
doing this for the sausage.Copy !req
106. In the next three secondsCopy !req
107. I'm going to be found out.Copy !req
108. They'll see that I'm ugly,
I'm stupid, I'm untalented.Copy !req
109. I'm not good at anything.Copy !req
110. But there is
one skill I'd practisedCopy !req
111. more than any other
child in the world.Copy !req
112. Light 'em up.Copy !req
113. And that's for showing off.Copy !req
114. How's about a warm
hand on my entrance?Copy !req
115. You see,
I thought to become famousCopy !req
116. you had to be really,
really good.Copy !req
117. Turns out you just have to
show off and be a bit cheeky.Copy !req
118. Put your hands together
for our next contestant -Copy !req
119. Peter Williams.Copy !req
120. Thank you very much.Copy !req
121. You know the difference between
an 'oooh' and an 'aaaah'?Copy !req
122. Well, it's about three inches.Copy !req
123. I usually go over
people's heads.Copy !req
124. Oh, ho, oh!
Eyes off my bum.Copy !req
125. Ha!Copy !req
126. Whoa!Copy !req
127. You're useless!Copy !req
128. You're a disgrace!Copy !req
129. You're a fucking nobody!Copy !req
130. Look at you...Copy !req
131. I fucking hate you.Copy !req
132. My dad won
five quid that night.Copy !req
133. Oh, you're kidding me!Copy !req
134. Although it might
as well have been five million.Copy !req
135. Thank you very much.Copy !req
136. You have been wonderful
and I've been Peter Will—Copy !req
137. Conway. I'm Peter Conway!Copy !req
138. Not only did
he change his name -Copy !req
139. he changed his life.Copy !req
140. One day he went to watch
the FA Cup Final.Copy !req
141. Unfortunately,
he didn't come back.Copy !req
142. The audience beckonedCopy !req
143. and he left us to be
one step closer to his gods.Copy !req
144. Don't worry, Mum.
We'll be alright.Copy !req
145. Light 'em up.Copy !req
146. Next!Copy !req
147. Take a pamphlet, sign the form,
shut the door on your way out.Copy !req
148. No, you're alright.Copy !req
149. I know what I'm going to be.Copy !req
150. Oh I, what's that then?Copy !req
151. Famous! I'm going
to sing and dance.Copy !req
152. I'm writing lyrics and all.Copy !req
153. I've seen your grades, lad.Copy !req
154. You couldn't rub
two words together.Copy !req
155. "The world is mine to claimCopy !req
156. "all I need is a fuck load
of fame. Ooh, ooh, yeah."Copy !req
157. Listen, don't embarrass
yourself, yeah?Copy !req
158. This is not for you.
Keep your feet on the ground.Copy !req
159. You might want to
frame that.Copy !req
160. - Tosser!
- Next!Copy !req
161. Oh do it, Nate!Copy !req
162. Fuck me! You'd make
a fucking awful stripper.Copy !req
163. - You know that.
- Fuck off.Copy !req
164. Oh, that's
my backup plan.Copy !req
165. Hey, you should
come work with me.Copy !req
166. Flint's always
looking for people.Copy !req
167. Isn't he that
flashy cunt in the coupe?Copy !req
168. Yeah, but he's proper.
Double glazing.Copy !req
169. Easy job, easy money.Copy !req
170. How'd you meet him?Copy !req
171. - I shagged his mum.
- Fucking hell!Copy !req
172. Ah it's alright, he knows.Copy !req
173. His dad wouldn't be
best pleased though.Copy !req
174. Fucking have that!Copy !req
175. So have you told him
about the trials?Copy !req
176. - Nah.
- Well, you better.Copy !req
177. That scout was
fucking excited.Copy !req
178. I thought he was going to blow
you right there on the pitch.Copy !req
179. Fuck off!
I'm not going to the trials.Copy !req
180. - I'm not going to the trials.
- Rubbish.Copy !req
181. - I'm not.
- What?Copy !req
182. Think of the money.
The supermodels.Copy !req
183. The fans screaming for ya.Copy !req
184. Yeah, I don't need
all that fancy shit.Copy !req
185. - Fucking hell, Nate!
- Alright, calm down.Copy !req
186. You've got a ticket to heaven
and you're going to stay here?Copy !req
187. Oh yeah, it's like you with
your singing, isn't it?Copy !req
188. I just do it 'cause I love it.Copy !req
189. Who gives a fuck
if you love it?Copy !req
190. What matters is that other
people love you doing it.Copy !req
191. You'll have to
get yourself to school.Copy !req
192. I can't face it.Copy !req
193. I've got a bastard
of a headache.Copy !req
194. And an exam, which you
better have studied for.Copy !req
195. Why do you think
my head's pounding?Copy !req
196. You'll have more than a
pounding head if you haven't.Copy !req
197. Oh, I love it when
she talks dirty.Copy !req
198. You're going.Copy !req
199. I'd take you, but I've got
a million deliveries.Copy !req
200. God knows I've already had
one man lounging about...Copy !req
201. A music
manager in ManchesterCopy !req
202. is holding auditions
for young menCopy !req
203. with a keen interest
in singing and dancing.Copy !req
204. - Don't you bloody shush me.
- Mum! Shush...Copy !req
205. The man behind the
venture, Nigel Martin SmithCopy !req
206. - is creating a new boy band.Copy !req
207. I didn't think you're
interested in boy bands.Copy !req
208. Mum, quick. Quick.
Quick! Write it down.Copy !req
209. Head to Vanity Model
Agency this Saturday.Copy !req
210. - Doors open at 9 AM...
- This is it!Copy !req
211. - This is it!Copy !req
212. I'm going to be fucking famous!Copy !req
213. Shut up, you tit!Copy !req
214. Oh fuck off, Glen!Copy !req
215. He makes my
tizzer go foo, he does.Copy !req
216. Thank you.Copy !req
217. Light 'em up.Copy !req
218. I'm Robert.Copy !req
219. Nigel Martin Smith
was, for legal reasons,Copy !req
220. an absolute sweetheart.Copy !req
221. Well, go on then.Copy !req
222. And a first-class cunt.Copy !req
223. He's bored of you.Copy !req
224. Look at you.
You've got no talent.Copy !req
225. You're not fucking Sinatra.Copy !req
226. Okay, that'll do, lad.Copy !req
227. You do know this is a pop band?Copy !req
228. Yeah.Copy !req
229. Tell you what,
I'll do Milli Vanilli's—Copy !req
230. No!Copy !req
231. Cheers then.Copy !req
232. So, shall we tell them
that you found your manCopy !req
233. and they can all fuck off
home then, yeah?Copy !req
234. No, don't you get up.Copy !req
235. It'll be my pleasure.Copy !req
236. And if I hadn't
winked in that moment,Copy !req
237. none of this
would've happened.Copy !req
238. I wouldn't even be here
talking to you.Copy !req
239. Break a leg,
you slags.Copy !req
240. Cheeky little bastard.Copy !req
241. He wouldn't know
talent if it jumped upCopy !req
242. and bit him on the cock.Copy !req
243. It's only been
a few hours, love.Copy !req
244. He's got no eye for it, Nan.Copy !req
245. You have to wait.Copy !req
246. I fucked it.Copy !req
247. He saw right through me.Copy !req
248. I mean, look at me.Copy !req
249. Do I look like
a pop star to you?Copy !req
250. You look like you always look.Copy !req
251. Exactly.Copy !req
252. A talentless fuck who's
going to die alone and fatCopy !req
253. and be craned out
of his shitpit in Stoke.Copy !req
254. Aaagh...Copy !req
255. Fuck, Nan!
Hello?Copy !req
256. Youth?Copy !req
257. Dad.Copy !req
258. Um, your voice
is so low now.Copy !req
259. Thought I had the
wrong number.Copy !req
260. - How are you, Dad?
- Never better. Never better.Copy !req
261. Now listen, I haven't got long,
but I was thinking -Copy !req
262. how about you come visit?Copy !req
263. - Really?
- Ye ah, why not?Copy !req
264. School holidays
are coming up.Copy !req
265. You should come see what
the old man's been up to.Copy !req
266. That's...
I mean, yeah, definitely.Copy !req
267. Smashing!
Alright, I better go.Copy !req
268. A full house waits for
no man and all that!Copy !req
269. - It'll be good to see ya, lad.
- Light 'em up, Dad.Copy !req
270. - Oh, Robert...Copy !req
271. Come on!Copy !req
272. - Oh, love.
- Bloody hell, Nan.Copy !req
273. Is everybody
having a good time?Copy !req
274. Peter can't hear you.
You having a good time?Copy !req
275. I was lucky enough
to grace the stageCopy !req
276. with this next act
at a talent competition.Copy !req
277. I'll never forget it.
He gave me a five.Copy !req
278. Oooh.Copy !req
279. Oh, it was sadder than that.Copy !req
280. Oooh.Copy !req
281. So please put
your hands togetherCopy !req
282. for the irresistible...Copy !req
283. .. the irrepressible...Copy !req
284. .. the irreplaceable...Copy !req
285. I give him a ten out of ten -
Mr. Terry Swinton.Copy !req
286. I've warmed
them up for ya.Copy !req
287. I thought I was losing that
stage left table for a bit,Copy !req
288. but I won them back, didn't I?Copy !req
289. Oh yeah.Copy !req
290. I'm glad you reached out.Copy !req
291. It was a shock, but you know,
in a good way.Copy !req
292. I thought it was
about time, youth.Copy !req
293. Hey, I forgot to tell you,
I'm joining this pop band.Copy !req
294. Really? When do you start?Copy !req
295. Well, I'm not
definitely in yet, but...Copy !req
296. Oh...Copy !req
297. Well no, it's just that I
haven't heard back from—Copy !req
298. - Watch it!
- Oh, sorry.Copy !req
299. Terry's the bollocks,
isn't he?Copy !req
300. Yeah.Copy !req
301. Actually, you might want
to keep that bed out for me.Copy !req
302. Failed my exams -
complete fucking balls up.Copy !req
303. Mum's going to put me on the
first bus back when I tell her.Copy !req
304. Fucking hopeless.Copy !req
305. You've got to learn from this.Copy !req
306. You're right.Copy !req
307. All of this.Copy !req
308. Because you know,
you're learning from the best.Copy !req
309. Seeing my dadCopy !req
310. surrounded by the
stars of yesteryear,Copy !req
311. galvanised my need
to become famous.Copy !req
312. But I had a more
immediate problem.Copy !req
313. What's Mum going to be likeCopy !req
314. when I tell her
I failed my exams?Copy !req
315. Fucked up the rest of my life.Copy !req
316. - Did you have a good time?
- Yeah. Smashing.Copy !req
317. - How is he?
- Great.Copy !req
318. I, erm...Copy !req
319. I've got something
to tell you.Copy !req
320. So have I.Copy !req
321. - I failed...
- You're in that band.Copy !req
322. What?Copy !req
323. You got in!
You're in that band.Copy !req
324. Yes!Copy !req
325. And I never had to tell herCopy !req
326. I failed my exams - until now.Copy !req
327. Sorry, Mum.Copy !req
328. - Shut up, you tit!
- Oh fuck off, Glen!Copy !req
329. Mother!Copy !req
330. Nigel was my introductionCopy !req
331. to the adult world.Copy !req
332. He was fucking terrifying,
like Willy Wonka.Copy !req
333. But what did I care?Copy !req
334. I was 15, I was going to have
four older brothers,Copy !req
335. and we were going
to take over the world.Copy !req
336. Howard Donald, panel beater.Copy !req
337. If you got a dent on your car,
Howard would pound it out.Copy !req
338. Jason Orange was
a featured dancerCopy !req
339. on a genre-defining
TV music showCopy !req
340. called 'The Hit Man and Her'.Copy !req
341. Mark Owen...Copy !req
342. Little Marco was... lovely.Copy !req
343. And then of course...Copy !req
344. Come here, you.Copy !req
345. There was Gary Barlow,Copy !req
346. and my first thought was,Copy !req
347. who's this dickhead
in those trainers?Copy !req
348. They are so three years ago.Copy !req
349. Gary was a genius.
An actual genius.Copy !req
350. He'd been playing
the working men's clubsCopy !req
351. since he was 12 years oldCopy !req
352. and was earning more
money than his teachers.Copy !req
353. Trouble was -
Gary sang like an angel,Copy !req
354. but he danced like a twat.Copy !req
355. ..seven, eight...
Hit! Hit!Copy !req
356. You gotta bring the energy.
Come on!Copy !req
357. ..seven, eight...Copy !req
358. I recall thinking
two things that day -Copy !req
359. a fifth of the spotlight
is better than nothing,Copy !req
360. and...Copy !req
361. .. if anyone from
Stoke sees me,Copy !req
362. I'm fucking dead.Copy !req
363. Tikka masalas all round,Copy !req
364. no coriander for the boys.Copy !req
365. - Thank you.
- No coriander?Copy !req
366. Whenever Nigel
took us out for dinnerCopy !req
367. he would always say, "I'll put
this on your account."Copy !req
368. He wasn'tjoking.
He recouped it all.Copy !req
369. Look around the table, go on.Copy !req
370. In five years, we're all going
to hate each other.Copy !req
371. But, we'll be fucking rich.Copy !req
372. Now, first things first.Copy !req
373. We work up our act,
we take it on the road.Copy !req
374. What about a record deal?Copy !req
375. Well, that will come,
we'll get your demo sent out,Copy !req
376. we'll let the
bidding war begin.Copy !req
377. Ah but...Copy !req
378. Before that, let's sure-up
your backstories.Copy !req
379. Mark and Jason, you were in a
breakdancing group together.Copy !req
380. Gary and Howard, you were in a
band called, 'The Cutest Rush'.Copy !req
381. Was I the lead?Copy !req
382. You weren't then, my chicken,
and you're not now.Copy !req
383. - Fuck off!Copy !req
384. Robert, you had a
bit part in 'Brookside'.Copy !req
385. Oh I was fucking great,
wasn't I?Copy !req
386. You were a bit much, frankly.Copy !req
387. Nige, can't we just say
I'm a songwriter?Copy !req
388. I've got a ton of lyrics.Copy !req
389. Well, I can hold my breath
for two minutesCopy !req
390. but I'm not trying to be
a fucking submarine, am I?Copy !req
391. Gary writes the songs, yeah?Copy !req
392. You lot toe the line.Copy !req
393. Oh and also, your name's not
Robert anymore - it's Robbie.Copy !req
394. I fucking hated
the name RobbieCopy !req
395. but it was the single best
thing Nigel did for me.Copy !req
396. Robbie became a character.
Something I could hide behind.Copy !req
397. Oh now, the name of the band?Copy !req
398. Oh Nige,
I've got a good one...Copy !req
399. Kick It!Copy !req
400. That's fucking awful.Copy !req
401. I've already got the name
and it's brilliant.Copy !req
402. And clench!Copy !req
403. Take That!Copy !req
404. Initially,
Nigel's plan was for us to beCopy !req
405. a band for the gay scene.Copy !req
406. Let's do this. Just
remember what you rehearsed.Copy !req
407. - Robbie, you alright?
- Don't be nervous.Copy !req
408. - You all look amazing.
- Light 'em up.Copy !req
409. Robbie, what you doing?
Hurry up.Copy !req
410. Now, for years
people have rumouredCopy !req
411. about my sexuality.Copy !req
412. The worst one was that
all my gay friendsCopy !req
413. have slept with me
and said I was crap.Copy !req
414. I'm not bothered they
said I slept with them.Copy !req
415. These are my boys!Copy !req
416. It's me being
'crap' I'm worried about.Copy !req
417. Play it loud!Copy !req
418. That night
I discovered a wonderland.Copy !req
419. It was welcoming and
non-judgmental.Copy !req
420. I'd found my people.Copy !req
421. I'd found the promised land.Copy !req
422. For the entire
first eighteen monthsCopy !req
423. we made 180 pounds, each.Copy !req
424. We played gay club
after gay club.Copy !req
425. Two a night.Copy !req
426. Until out of nowhere, Nigel
booked us a club full of girls.Copy !req
427. You gonna fucking listen!Copy !req
428. Fucking useless prick.
I'm warning you!Copy !req
429. What!Copy !req
430. What the fuck!Copy !req
431. - Did you hear that?
- Settle down.Copy !req
432. Will you lot shut up?Copy !req
433. I felt like Elvis, but thin.Copy !req
434. I've got good news!Copy !req
435. - Good news.
- Good news?Copy !req
436. We've had some interest
from a few record labels...Copy !req
437. - Oh, fuck off!
In London.Copy !req
438. London! Yes!Copy !req
439. That's absolutely fantastic!Copy !req
440. Thank you so much.Copy !req
441. Yeah, you deserve it.
You've all done really well.Copy !req
442. Except for one of ya.Copy !req
443. And we all know who
that is, don't we?Copy !req
444. Robbie talked to
a local reporter.Copy !req
445. "We're like the A-team.
I'm the sexy, talented one."Copy !req
446. Who the fuck gave you—Copy !req
447. I didn't know she was
reporter, Nige—Copy !req
448. You know, I almost
started to like youCopy !req
449. but you've fucking
ended that, haven't ya?Copy !req
450. Fuck off!Copy !req
451. What was that?Copy !req
452. I think Robbie's developing
a sense of humour, Nige.Copy !req
453. You think it'd be difficult to
go to Stoke-on-Trent,Copy !req
454. get another scally with ratty
hair and call him Robbie?Copy !req
455. Right, the club wants us
to do a meet-and-greet.Copy !req
456. There's going to be
lots of girls in hereCopy !req
457. so let's get one thing clear -Copy !req
458. keep it in your pants.Copy !req
459. No touching.Copy !req
460. No telephone numbers.Copy !req
461. No dating. Ever!Copy !req
462. Nige?Copy !req
463. Ever!Copy !req
464. What's the point of
bringing them up hereCopy !req
465. - if we can't touch them?
- Let's get this done.Copy !req
466. - Alright! Bring 'em up!Copy !req
467. I love you all!Copy !req
468. Nigel had
many rules for Take That,Copy !req
469. and the most important was that
we always appeared attainable.Copy !req
470. Safe sex is important...Copy !req
471. He even made us
do a Safer Sex tourCopy !req
472. for the Family
Planning Association.Copy !req
473. So remember. Don't be a fool,
cover his tool.Copy !req
474. Naturally,
I took it all to heart.Copy !req
475. Oh, I love the way
you move, Gary.Copy !req
476. I was happy to
play Gary for the moment.Copy !req
477. I'll never wash
my hands again.Copy !req
478. - Oh, my God!
îh-Yeah?Copy !req
479. Oh, my God, Hurry up,
hurry up! Quick!Copy !req
480. - Oh, that's it.
- Gary, I already stopped.Copy !req
481. And there it was,
the one time in Nigel's life,Copy !req
482. he wasn't the biggest
wanker in the room.Copy !req
483. Right.
Straight up -Copy !req
484. there's no appetite,
îxwant or need for boybands.Copy !req
485. They died a death.
it's all grunge now.Copy !req
486. - Did you hear our demo?
- Yes.Copy !req
487. These boys are going to
take this country by storm.Copy !req
488. And if you don't sign
them right now,Copy !req
489. I'll take them to another labelCopy !req
490. and you'll be the twat that let
the biggest band in historyCopy !req
491. slip through your pudgy
fucking fingers.Copy !req
492. You won't do any of that,Copy !req
493. because everyone
else said, "No".Copy !req
494. I only agreed to see youCopy !req
495. because my daughter
saw you boys live,Copy !req
496. and she's obsessed.Copy !req
497. She assures me that you
are amazing in the flesh.Copy !req
498. So...Copy !req
499. I'm going to take a punt that
you're right about these boys.Copy !req
500. Now, which one of you is Gary?Copy !req
501. That's me, I'm Gary.Copy !req
502. Let's go, boys!Copy !req
503. Whoa!Copy !req
504. Every day, there's a new lot.Copy !req
505. The coach brings them in.Copy !req
506. They come into the garden,Copy !req
507. they nick the wood
off the fence,Copy !req
508. the clothes off the line.Copy !req
509. Someone should do
something about this.Copy !req
510. Mum, they want this to happen.Copy !req
511. I went down the post office
the other dayCopy !req
512. and someone called me
a posh slag.Copy !req
513. Oh love, you're not posh.Copy !req
514. It's not funny. I can't make
my deliveries anymore.Copy !req
515. I'm having to shut
the business, Robert.Copy !req
516. Guess who's recording the
lead vocals for our new song?Copy !req
517. Hm-mm.Copy !req
518. I'll get us out of
this shit holeCopy !req
519. and buy us a fortress,
just like Gary.Copy !req
520. And why would I want a
bigger house to hide in?Copy !req
521. That was the first timeCopy !req
522. my mum closed her curtains.Copy !req
523. I'm going to bed.
If they'll let me.Copy !req
524. She didn't open
them for another ten years.Copy !req
525. Hey, love...Copy !req
526. Where's my little Robert gone?Copy !req
527. I'm a pop star, Nan.Copy !req
528. Fat little Robert isn't going
to sell any albums, is he?Copy !req
529. I'm just giving the people
what they want.Copy !req
530. I go onstage
and act like a gladiatorCopy !req
531. and pretend that the whole
world is lucky to see me.Copy !req
532. And they all act accordingly.Copy !req
533. They don't see what I see.Copy !req
534. Then stop!Copy !req
535. See, that's the
craziest thing to me.Copy !req
536. I can't.Copy !req
537. We love you, Robbie!Copy !req
538. Now, fuck off!Copy !req
539. I'm here at Take That HQ
with the man responsibleCopy !req
540. for the band's success,
Nigel Martin Smith.Copy !req
541. It's quite a display.Copy !req
542. It is, yeah, yeah.
We got Take That dolls,Copy !req
543. Take That calendars.Copy !req
544. Take That pillows, so you
can sleep with Take That.Copy !req
545. Just kidding.
Probably cut that bit out.Copy !req
546. For our ethnic fans we have
Take That Babushka Dolls.Copy !req
547. Robbie's inside Mark,
who's inside Jason.Copy !req
548. Jason's inside Howard and
they all fit snugly in Gary.Copy !req
549. Hmm, that's quite cute.Copy !req
550. Lyrics?Copy !req
551. Just some ideas.Copy !req
552. Well, come on then.
Give us a look.Copy !req
553. Will I get a credit?Copy !req
554. I don't know.
Are they any good?Copy !req
555. Wouldn't you like to know?Copy !req
556. Whatever.Copy !req
557. At least pretend
to give a toss.Copy !req
558. - What, about all this?
- Yeah.Copy !req
559. Are you kidding?Copy !req
560. Do you have any idea how
naff people think we are?Copy !req
561. Oh fuck off, Robbie,
they bloody love us.Copy !req
562. Do you think Oasis
does this shit?Copy !req
563. We need to branch out.Copy !req
564. Write something that's not
so fucking cringeworthy.Copy !req
565. And this coming from you.Copy !req
566. The one who only shines
when the light's on him.Copy !req
567. - Alright, Gaz.
- No, no, let him speak.Copy !req
568. You think you can just turn up,Copy !req
569. scribble some
worthless shitCopy !req
570. and get your name next to mine
in the song credits?Copy !req
571. You add nothing to this.Copy !req
572. Any of it.Copy !req
573. Ah, just ah, hold it there
for a second, thanks Robbie.Copy !req
574. That was better, yeah?Copy !req
575. Ah, you're still a little
behind, I'm afraid.Copy !req
576. Oof, I've always liked
a little behind.Copy !req
577. Um, what we might do, Robbie
is um, if we record it -Copy !req
578. we can just record it
line by line, yeah?Copy !req
579. And we can just
stitch it together later—Copy !req
580. Nah, I can do it all at once.Copy !req
581. Yeah, let's just, um,
let's just go again.Copy !req
582. Yeah, let's go. I got it.Copy !req
583. Sure thing then.
Here we go.Copy !req
584. You're worthless.Copy !req
585. You can't do what Gary does.Copy !req
586. They're all laughing at ya.Copy !req
587. Ah, that's great.
Thanks, Robbie.Copy !req
588. Just give us
one wee sec, yeah?Copy !req
589. Fuck me.Copy !req
590. I think we might
have it there, mate.Copy !req
591. Thank you.Copy !req
592. Okay, great.Copy !req
593. Yeah, cheers Robbie.Copy !req
594. Give it a sec, Gary,
before you head in there.Copy !req
595. - Oh, my God.
- You did your best.Copy !req
596. Yeah, you know, and
now I feel like the bad guy.Copy !req
597. Gary Barlow,
ladies and gentlemen!Copy !req
598. It's already good.
Fucking hell, the difference!Copy !req
599. It's like night and day,
isn't it?Copy !req
600. Yeah, thank you.Copy !req
601. Oh, this is a hit.Copy !req
602. I didn't know itCopy !req
603. but I was suffering
from depression.Copy !req
604. I hate that phrase -
'suffering from depression. 'Copy !req
605. It sounds so Scarlett O'Hara -Copy !req
606. "I do declare Mr. Butler,Copy !req
607. "I have been suffering
with a bout of depression."Copy !req
608. 'Clinically depressed'
is better.Copy !req
609. Way more lab coaty.Copy !req
610. - Dad!
- Here he is! Here he is!Copy !req
611. I didn't know you were—Copy !req
612. Oh, my God!Copy !req
613. I told you, didn't I?Copy !req
614. You owe me a pint, love.Copy !req
615. - Can I get a photo?
- Of course you can.Copy !req
616. I'll take it for you.Copy !req
617. Okay, here we go.Copy !req
618. - Say 'fuzzy pickle'.
- Fuzzy pickle.Copy !req
619. - Ah...
- Lovely...Copy !req
620. Thank you so much.Copy !req
621. Did you want one
with me in it?Copy !req
622. Great idea, yeah!Copy !req
623. Yeah, course you do.
Come on.Copy !req
624. Look at that, hey?
Peas in a pod.Copy !req
625. Can I lose you... use you...
can I use your loo?Copy !req
626. Yeah.Copy !req
627. It's a number two.Copy !req
628. Be my guest.Copy !req
629. - Oh, my God!
- Yeah... whoa...Copy !req
630. She seems nice.Copy !req
631. Oh yeah, terrific. Terrific!Copy !req
632. You know they've cordoned off
the whole street, don't ya?Copy !req
633. There's girls everywhere,Copy !req
634. and they're not
playing nice either.Copy !req
635. It's like a bloodsport
out there.Copy !req
636. I told the security lads
you were my son.Copy !req
637. I nearly got torn apart.Copy !req
638. You in town for long?Copy !req
639. No, no, just passing through.
Back home tonight.Copy !req
640. After I collect my pint.Copy !req
641. I wish I'd known
you were coming.Copy !req
642. What's this?Copy !req
643. - Nothing.
- Prozac?Copy !req
644. What've you got
to mope about?Copy !req
645. You boys are flying.
Bloody Brits nomination...Copy !req
646. I've been telling
everyone about that.Copy !req
647. I know. It's just...Copy !req
648. It's all a bit overwhelming,
Dad.Copy !req
649. It's like I can't keep track
of who I am anymore.Copy !req
650. Well, go and ask
that lot out there.Copy !req
651. They know exactly
who you are.Copy !req
652. The other lads you'd
be hard pressedCopy !req
653. to pick 'em out of
a police line up.Copy !req
654. Well, not Gary obviously,
'cause he's the creative one,Copy !req
655. but you, you're living
the dream, youth.Copy !req
656. We love you, Robbie.Copy !req
657. How can you not
know who you are,Copy !req
658. when there are thousands
of people screaming your name?Copy !req
659. Jesus! Rob!Copy !req
660. - What did he take?
- Could be anything.Copy !req
661. Hold the show
until I say.Copy !req
662. You were an afterthought.
Couldn't sing, couldn't dance.Copy !req
663. Looks... five at best.Copy !req
664. Everything you have,
everything, I've given you.Copy !req
665. And you don't
deserve any of it.Copy !req
666. Oh, fucking hell!Copy !req
667. Are you fucking retarded!Copy !req
668. I fucking told them...Copy !req
669. Alright! Get in position.Copy !req
670. - I said, get in position, now!
- Get up, get up!Copy !req
671. Wake up, you fucking baby!Copy !req
672. Right, follow my lead!Copy !req
673. All of this
because of a fucking wink.Copy !req
674. Whoa!Copy !req
675. Passed out!
That's a new low.Copy !req
676. It was a dodgy curry.Copy !req
677. Your job is simple -Copy !req
678. sing the harmonies
and toe the line.Copy !req
679. You'd like that, wouldn't ya?Copy !req
680. Know your place.Copy !req
681. You're making us look
like fucking idiots.Copy !req
682. Oh, fuck!Copy !req
683. Because
he writes all the songs,Copy !req
684. Gary makes all the money.Copy !req
685. He's got a mansion
in the north of EnglandCopy !req
686. with a driveway full of cars.Copy !req
687. Fuck me!Copy !req
688. And a butler.Copy !req
689. While I'm still
living at Mum's.Copy !req
690. He's Elton now.Copy !req
691. And they're all
waiting for me in the garden.Copy !req
692. And it's to talk
about the problemCopy !req
693. - and I am the problem.
- Whoa!Copy !req
694. Robbie, so um...Copy !req
695. Well, we've all been
having a think, and um...Copy !req
696. We'd quite like to do
the next tour as a, ah...Copy !req
697. ..as a four piece.Copy !req
698. Just to see
if we can do it.Copy !req
699. Yeah...
To see if we can do it.Copy !req
700. Perhaps
you could focus onCopy !req
701. some of that solo material
you've been working on or um...Copy !req
702. To be honest, Rob,Copy !req
703. we've been doing it as
a four-piece for a while.Copy !req
704. I think you should.Copy !req
705. That it, then?Copy !req
706. Ah... Yeah...Copy !req
707. Weeee...Copy !req
708. Can I take this?Copy !req
709. Yeah, Rob.
If you want.Copy !req
710. This is it!Copy !req
711. This... is... the end!Copy !req
712. - Fuck!Copy !req
713. Fuck!Copy !req
714. Fans are still reelingCopy !req
715. from the announcement
on MondayCopy !req
716. that Robbie Williams
has split from Take That.Copy !req
717. Help Line switch boards, set up
after reports of suicides,Copy !req
718. have been flooded by
tearful Take That fans...Copy !req
719. But he had
built up a reputationCopy !req
720. as a party animal...Copy !req
721. How could you do this?Copy !req
722. We need you, Robbie!Copy !req
723. Don't go!Copy !req
724. The cheeky
member of Take ThatCopy !req
725. is now the fucked-up
messy oneCopy !req
726. who's gone and
broken up the band.Copy !req
727. And people
hate me for it.Copy !req
728. But really, they're only saying
what I think about myself.Copy !req
729. I've a raging cocaine habit,Copy !req
730. I'm a full-blown alcoholic
and I'm twenty-one.Copy !req
731. I think I was always going to
be an alcoholic or an addict,Copy !req
732. I just had the money and the
means to get there quicker.Copy !req
733. But I'm also
incredibly competitive.Copy !req
734. I mean, I've no ideaCopy !req
735. how I'm going to
pull off a solo career.Copy !req
736. But there's an
energy to revenge,Copy !req
737. and it's very, very seductive.Copy !req
738. .. eight, seven, six, five...Copy !req
739. .. four, three, two, one...Copy !req
740. It's going to happen.Copy !req
741. No ifs, no buts. No left,
no right. Just straight ahead.Copy !req
742. I'm going to be
fucking massive.Copy !req
743. A massive what?Copy !req
744. Fuck! You scared
the shit out of me.Copy !req
745. You said you
wanted to be massive?Copy !req
746. Ah, well I was just um...Copy !req
747. .. wishing for a little
extra girth.Copy !req
748. - What is it you do?
- Oh, yeah...Copy !req
749. Oh sorry,
should I already know that?Copy !req
750. No, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
751. No, I'm... I'm a singer
and songwriter.Copy !req
752. Really?Copy !req
753. Yeah, just starting out
on my own.Copy !req
754. I was in Take That and—Copy !req
755. The boyband?Copy !req
756. Oh, don't mind me.Copy !req
757. Sorry.Copy !req
758. No, you're alright.
I mean, it is why I left.Copy !req
759. Dancing around
in the backgroundCopy !req
760. like a camp sadomasochist...Copy !req
761. I mean, if I'm going
to look like a tosser,Copy !req
762. I might as well do it
down stage centre.Copy !req
763. So it's all about
the spotlight?Copy !req
764. Wow, not even
any lube - just full fist.Copy !req
765. I'm just saying -Copy !req
766. if you're going to start out
on your own,Copy !req
767. you might as well
be honest about why.Copy !req
768. - Shit, are you a journalist?
- Fuck, no.Copy !req
769. I'm just curious.Copy !req
770. I'm not sure
you'd understand.Copy !req
771. Try me.Copy !req
772. You know, I was given
the golden ticketCopy !req
773. but it felt like I was
bound and gaggedCopy !req
774. for the last five years.Copy !req
775. And not in a hot way, either.Copy !req
776. In like a battery to the
scrotum sort of way.Copy !req
777. I don't know, sexy,
mysterious, masked lady...Copy !req
778. I guess I've just
reached a pointCopy !req
779. where I want to prove I
can make it on my own.Copy !req
780. Prove to who?Copy !req
781. Everyone.Copy !req
782. See! I told you
you wouldn't understand.Copy !req
783. Oh, fuck me!Copy !req
784. Nicole Appleton.Copy !req
785. She and her sister were members
of the girl band, All Saints.Copy !req
786. Their manager was a cunt, too.Copy !req
787. She was absolutely lovely -Copy !req
788. with the single worst
taste in men.Copy !req
789. Yeah, you alright?Copy !req
790. Fame is so
fucking weird, isn't it?Copy !req
791. It's like that uneasy
feeling you getCopy !req
792. when they bring
the cake outCopy !req
793. and the whole restaurant
sings Happy Birthday to youCopy !req
794. and you can't wait until Happy
Birthday stops being sung.Copy !req
795. I mean, people are
doing a really nice thing,Copy !req
796. but you just want it
to stop so you can—Copy !req
797. Eat the fucking cake.Copy !req
798. Yeah.Copy !req
799. Well, now you've got
your gag off,Copy !req
800. what are you going to say?Copy !req
801. - I've got some lyrics.
- Oh...Copy !req
802. I mean, they're basically
different takesCopy !req
803. on how much I hate myself.Copy !req
804. - So a Christmas album then?Copy !req
805. I'm not sure about an album.Copy !req
806. At the moment I'd just
like to write one good song.Copy !req
807. - You're overthinking it.
Hmm...Copy !req
808. Just write about
whatever's in front of you.Copy !req
809. Look...Copy !req
810. Yes! It's a hit!Copy !req
811. See, you're going to be
massive in no time.Copy !req
812. It's not
a competition, girls.Copy !req
813. It's just hard work.Copy !req
814. Here you are.Copy !req
815. This place is posh as fuck.Copy !req
816. You know, I've just seen
fucking Bono in the toilet.Copy !req
817. Had a look...Copy !req
818. .. tiny.Copy !req
819. You've
missed me, haven't you?Copy !req
820. Ah, of course you have.Copy !req
821. Hm, hey, so...Copy !req
822. You know my
girlfriend, Kayleigh?Copy !req
823. Kayleigh.Copy !req
824. - The one with the club foot?
- No, she ain't got a club foot.Copy !req
825. - Well...
- Her pelvis is out.Copy !req
826. Anyway, she's up the duff.Copy !req
827. I'm going to be a dad.Copy !req
828. That's amazing.Copy !req
829. I'm just surprised the
little thing still works.Copy !req
830. Fuck off!Copy !req
831. Shut up! Shut up!
Here it is.Copy !req
832. The wait is over!Copy !req
833. Coming in at number one,
it's new, it's brilliant,Copy !req
834. it's "Never Ever"
by All Saints.Copy !req
835. Whoa!Copy !req
836. Come on!Copy !req
837. - I can't believe it!
- Well done, babe.Copy !req
838. - You deserve it.
- It'll be your turn next.Copy !req
839. Nicole, give us
a few words!Copy !req
840. Okay. Ahh, I just...Copy !req
841. I can't believe we did it.Copy !req
842. Number fucking one!Copy !req
843. To everyone who has supported
us through the years,Copy !req
844. you're family,
and we love you.Copy !req
845. And to my...Copy !req
846. Ah, to my best friends...Copy !req
847. Having a number one is amazingCopy !req
848. and getting to celebrate it
together is the best.Copy !req
849. Liam Gallagher
was the lead singer of Oasis,Copy !req
850. the biggest band on the planet.Copy !req
851. I'm in love with their songs.
I'm in love with the lyrics.Copy !req
852. I'm in love with how
provocative they are.Copy !req
853. I'm just totally
in love with them,Copy !req
854. and I want to be them.Copy !req
855. Fame is a
powerful aphrodisiac.Copy !req
856. It means even ugly people
can get laid.Copy !req
857. Mind you,
guitars do that, too.Copy !req
858. What's all that about, then?Copy !req
859. They got a number one.Copy !req
860. Is that all?
Fucking hell.Copy !req
861. If I orgasmed every time
I had a number oneCopy !req
862. I'd be fucking dry.Copy !req
863. Yeah...Copy !req
864. - You listen to this cunt?
- Yeah!Copy !req
865. Like he fucking knows what
we're fucking talking about.Copy !req
866. You want a number one,Copy !req
867. you should've stayed
Gary's back-up dancer.Copy !req
868. Guess who's had
the largest ever demandCopy !req
869. for concert tickets
in British history?Copy !req
870. Me.Copy !req
871. And the band—Copy !req
872. Knebworth, right?Copy !req
873. 125,000 fucking
screaming cunts.Copy !req
874. That's insane.Copy !req
875. It's how you know you've
made it, fucking knobhead.Copy !req
876. Me and Liam
wouldn't always be so cuddly.Copy !req
877. Would anybody like
to see me fight Liam?Copy !req
878. Liam, a hundred
grand of your money -Copy !req
879. a hundred grand of my money.Copy !req
880. We'll get in the ring
and we'll have a fightCopy !req
881. and you can all
watch it on TV.Copy !req
882. What do you
think about that?Copy !req
883. Now are you going to do it or
are you going to pussy out?Copy !req
884. You fucking wimp!Copy !req
885. Thankfully,Copy !req
886. he wasn't in the country
at the time.Copy !req
887. Knebworth...Copy !req
888. Come on, let's go.
This is shit.Copy !req
889. - Nice chatting to you, Noel.
- Fuck off, cunt.Copy !req
890. Hey twinkletoes,
you coming or what?Copy !req
891. Yeah...Copy !req
892. Come on.Copy !req
893. Good evening, Knebworth.Copy !req
894. You all look gorgeous tonight.Copy !req
895. Here's one from my new album.Copy !req
896. Thank you very much.Copy !req
897. Hiya.Copy !req
898. Fuck me, aren't you
Miss Number OneCopy !req
899. of the United Kingdom
Britain?Copy !req
900. - Maybe.Copy !req
901. And where did you end up?Copy !req
902. I got kidnapped by
Liam Gallagher.Copy !req
903. Oh...Copy !req
904. And you looked like you were
having a good enough time.Copy !req
905. Anyway, I was just trying
to make sense of it.Copy !req
906. Of what?Copy !req
907. Never Ever.Copy !req
908. You don't... What,
you don't like our song?Copy !req
909. It's fine. I mean, I'm not
sure it's a number one but...Copy !req
910. Well, people seem to like it.Copy !req
911. It would be nice if my fiancé—Copy !req
912. Screaming, jumping around,
making fucking speeches...Copy !req
913. And all that
bullshit about family.Copy !req
914. It's not bullshit.
It's everything to me.Copy !req
915. Right.Copy !req
916. So did you tell them that
you gave up our familyCopy !req
917. to get that number one, then?Copy !req
918. Nah...Copy !req
919. I bet you left that bit out of
your little speech, didn't you?Copy !req
920. You're so fucking ugly
when you're wasted.Copy !req
921. Well, I'll be sober tomorrow.Copy !req
922. Oh, and won't that be nice!Copy !req
923. I can't believe I had to tell
everyone that you left tonightCopy !req
924. because something
important came up.Copy !req
925. It did.Copy !req
926. Getting fucked up
with your mates?Copy !req
927. At least they know how
to write a proper number one.Copy !req
928. Which is more than you can.Copy !req
929. Scribbling lyrics
in your little notebook,Copy !req
930. but you're too scared
to show them to anyone.Copy !req
931. A number one and she's
giving out the advice.Copy !req
932. I didn't ask you to lie to your
friends, because guess what,Copy !req
933. I don't give a fuck
what they think.Copy !req
934. You give a fuck what
everyone thinks, Rob.Copy !req
935. That's all you give
a fuck about.Copy !req
936. We need crisps.Copy !req
937. We're alright, Nan.Copy !req
938. Well, I don't want you
wasting away on me.Copy !req
939. They don't have washing
machines in London?Copy !req
940. Yeah, but you
do it with love.Copy !req
941. Oh, you bugger.Copy !req
942. You should come home
more often, you know.Copy !req
943. She's slowing down.Copy !req
944. Rubbish.
Nan'll outlive all of us.Copy !req
945. Anyway, I'm about
to be very busy.Copy !req
946. I rang aroundCopy !req
947. and I've got a meeting with a
producer called Guy Chambers.Copy !req
948. Nicole's got a number one.Copy !req
949. Fucking Gary's
got number ones,Copy !req
950. and here I am turning
into a farmyard animal.Copy !req
951. I wouldn't change
a hair on your head.Copy !req
952. Bless you, Nan.Copy !req
953. Now, I spoke to your dad.Copy !req
954. Oh, that makes one of us.Copy !req
955. It's been radio silence
since I left the band.Copy !req
956. He's agreed to see you again.Copy !req
957. Agreed? What do you mean?Copy !req
958. Well, to have your visit,
on your school holidays.Copy !req
959. He called me, remember?Copy !req
960. He said it'd been too long.Copy !req
961. He invited me.Copy !req
962. Yes, that's right.
I told him to.Copy !req
963. You see...Copy !req
964. - Oh, Jesus...
- Oh, Betty.Copy !req
965. No, no, no, no...Copy !req
966. I'm so sorry...Copy !req
967. No...Copy !req
968. It's alright...Copy !req
969. Hey Nan, it's alright.Copy !req
970. Come on. Don't cry.Copy !req
971. It's alright...Copy !req
972. Shhh, Betty...Copy !req
973. It's alright, duck.Copy !req
974. I'm sorry.Copy !req
975. Okay, okay!
Hang on, hang on.Copy !req
976. Listen, I appreciate
you coming over,Copy !req
977. but this isn't going to work.Copy !req
978. Guy Chambers.Copy !req
979. Guy likes it when I talk about
the holidays we shared,Copy !req
980. and I like it when he agrees
to let me sing our songs.Copy !req
981. You don't mind, do you?Copy !req
982. So our lawyers
had a chat...Copy !req
983. And here we are
on a beach.Copy !req
984. Um, lower...Copy !req
985. You've only heard
half of them.Copy !req
986. And they're all the same.Copy !req
987. I can't even tell when one ends
and the next one begins.Copy !req
988. It's like you've written lyricsCopy !req
989. you think other people
want to hear.Copy !req
990. I don't know...Copy !req
991. That might be okay
in a boyband...Copy !req
992. So you want me to get
naked on the first date?Copy !req
993. It's the only way this works.Copy !req
994. Songs are only valuable
if they cost you something.Copy !req
995. Luckily, I'm always
naked on the first date.Copy !req
996. If you're going to laugh,
do it on the inside, yeah?Copy !req
997. I dent easily.Copy !req
998. Can you give me a C?Copy !req
999. Fuck me.Copy !req
1000. Better make it a B flat.Copy !req
1001. Ah, this is the chorus.Copy !req
1002. And the second verse.Copy !req
1003. No, no! Hang on, hang on.Copy !req
1004. We have to double
the chorus or it'll sound crap.Copy !req
1005. What was that list? Lost...Copy !req
1006. Right, well, that's the hook.
That's the gold.Copy !req
1007. The 'something beautiful' bit
is cream on top.Copy !req
1008. You've got...Copy !req
1009. And then you repeat.
You understand?Copy !req
1010. - Yeah.
- Right.Copy !req
1011. Well, pick it up
from the chorus,Copy !req
1012. and give it some welly.Copy !req
1013. Even if it's shit,
you got to make it your shit.Copy !req
1014. Two, three...Copy !req
1015. There you go!Copy !req
1016. One more time.Copy !req
1017. You're not as crap
as I thought.Copy !req
1018. Thanks.Copy !req
1019. We need to clean it up
a bit but it's a start.Copy !req
1020. Now, what else have
you got in there?Copy !req
1021. And coming up we have a
surprise guest in the studio.Copy !req
1022. It's none other than
ex-Take That bad boy,Copy !req
1023. Robbie Williams!Copy !req
1024. Chris Briggs -
manager to the stars.Copy !req
1025. Amazingly, he saw
something in me...Copy !req
1026. I mean, besides monstrous
amounts of drugs and booze.Copy !req
1027. It'll be nice
and intimate.Copy !req
1028. Fifty people or so -
contest winners,Copy !req
1029. so they'll be super excited.Copy !req
1030. And just remember
it's going out live,Copy !req
1031. so mind your
'shits' and 'fucks'.Copy !req
1032. You should start with a cover,
something people recognise.Copy !req
1033. We want them to
recognise our songs.Copy !req
1034. And they will, but you
have to woo them first.Copy !req
1035. You got to get me
to Knebworth.Copy !req
1036. How about you
get through this oneCopy !req
1037. without giving yourself
a heart attack?Copy !req
1038. Just get me there, alright?Copy !req
1039. Baby steps, mate.Copy !req
1040. Look, I know this isn't
much of a gig, butCopy !req
1041. Oh, I don't know...
Blackpool, Knebworth... Hi!Copy !req
1042. Plus, we need the air time.
What've you got to lose?Copy !req
1043. I would've said my dignityCopy !req
1044. but Take That
already stole it, so...Copy !req
1045. I mean it, Briggsy,
I have got to play Knebworth.Copy !req
1046. Whatever it takes.Copy !req
1047. It'll take everything.Copy !req
1048. Sure you're ready for that?Copy !req
1049. Then make every
performance count.Copy !req
1050. Light 'em up.Copy !req
1051. One, two, three, four...Copy !req
1052. You're going to die!Copy !req
1053. You've left
the safety of the bandCopy !req
1054. and now you're going
out on your own.Copy !req
1055. How does that feel?Copy !req
1056. I couldn't be happier.Copy !req
1057. I'm finally free, you know, and
this is only the beginning...Copy !req
1058. Come on!Copy !req
1059. Well, the
first punches have been thrownCopy !req
1060. and it's Gary Barlow
at number one,Copy !req
1061. while Robbie's first album,
"Life Thru A Lens"Copy !req
1062. has debuted at
number eleven.Copy !req
1063. Robbie's fate now restsCopy !req
1064. on a national charm
offensive tour...Copy !req
1065. Lock up your daughters,Copy !req
1066. lock up your sons.Copy !req
1067. It's Robbie Williams!Copy !req
1068. You know what
I need you to do!Copy !req
1069. One, two, three, four...Copy !req
1070. I'm going to rip
your fucking eyes out!Copy !req
1071. With his new
album rocketing up the charts -Copy !req
1072. ladies and gentlemen,
Robbie Williams!Copy !req
1073. Please
welcome, Robbie Williams.Copy !req
1074. Robbie Williams,
ladies and gentlemen...Copy !req
1075. He's an
international rock star...Copy !req
1076. I wanna sing,
godamnit! And I wanna dance.Copy !req
1077. Being a pop star meansCopy !req
1078. you can live all
your fantasies.Copy !req
1079. I think it's what's known as
the 'lucky bastard'.Copy !req
1080. Well, you know, being in
a relationship meansCopy !req
1081. I've put away me
shagging boots,Copy !req
1082. but I know where the closet is.Copy !req
1083. You know the great thing isCopy !req
1084. I've actually arrive now,
because back at homeCopy !req
1085. I've been voted the
'Rear of the Year'.Copy !req
1086. Is that
right! You gonna show us?Copy !req
1087. So it's fair to
say you're box office, right?Copy !req
1088. I've got me platinum discCopy !req
1089. and then I'm getting a
double platinum disc now.Copy !req
1090. It means I'm very famous.Copy !req
1091. We are coming for you!Copy !req
1092. You haven't got 'it',
you've got nothing!Copy !req
1093. You are fucking dead!Copy !req
1094. Light 'em up!Copy !req
1095. Fuck off, the lot of ya!Copy !req
1096. And the
winner is... Robbie Williams.Copy !req
1097. - ... Robbie Williams!
- ... it's Robbie Williams!Copy !req
1098. and
the winner is Robbie Williams!Copy !req
1099. - Robbie Williams...
- Robbie Williams!Copy !req
1100. A perfect end
to a great nightCopy !req
1101. for Robbie Williams.Copy !req
1102. I'm sure you all
recognise this young man,Copy !req
1103. but did you know he
had a famous father—Copy !req
1104. No!Copy !req
1105. If any of you lovely
ladies want to come upCopy !req
1106. and sit on Santa's knee,Copy !req
1107. I'll see what I've got
in my sack for you.Copy !req
1108. Rob!Copy !req
1109. Brrrr...Copy !req
1110. Light 'em up.Copy !req
1111. Whoa!Copy !req
1112. We're
going to peel your skin off.Copy !req
1113. Slit your throat.Copy !req
1114. We are going to
fucking murder you!Copy !req
1115. Where are you going to run?Copy !req
1116. Where are you going
to fucking hide?Copy !req
1117. You useless little prick!Copy !req
1118. You're going to die alone,
you cunt!Copy !req
1119. You're fucking replaceable!Copy !req
1120. You can't escape this!Copy !req
1121. Fan-bloody-tastic!Copy !req
1122. Listen to that.
It's deafening.Copy !req
1123. Oh thank you.
I'm the dad.Copy !req
1124. Taught him
everything he knows.Copy !req
1125. Peter Conway.Copy !req
1126. You know what Chris,
entrances and exits.Copy !req
1127. No one cares about
that stuff anymore.Copy !req
1128. But tonight, you outshone
Tom Jones, lad!Copy !req
1129. Oh, look at him.
Just another day at the office.Copy !req
1130. Well, this is going
to knock your socks off.Copy !req
1131. Rob! Rob!Copy !req
1132. Guess who's playing
Knebworth next summer?Copy !req
1133. Knebworth!Copy !req
1134. Wait till I tell the lads!Copy !req
1135. Hey, have you thought
about a support act?Copy !req
1136. Now, I could do you
a couple of numbers.Copy !req
1137. Four at most.Copy !req
1138. It's incredible.Copy !req
1139. It also comes
with a new record deal.Copy !req
1140. It's obscene!Copy !req
1141. Look at you!
You're bullet-proof.Copy !req
1142. Oh, I need a drink.Copy !req
1143. Look at this! Just what
the doctor ordered.Copy !req
1144. Okay,
I'll leave you to celebrate.Copy !req
1145. Congratulations.Copy !req
1146. Thanks, Chris.Copy !req
1147. Knebworth...Copy !req
1148. How does it feel?Copy !req
1149. Crippling.Copy !req
1150. It'll sink in.Copy !req
1151. It's like someone's picked
sides for an after-school gameCopy !req
1152. and it's all gone
horribly, horribly wrong.Copy !req
1153. It's one against thousands.Copy !req
1154. Bollocks!
The audience loves ya.Copy !req
1155. I can't do it.Copy !req
1156. I can't carry Knebworth.Copy !req
1157. I'll be like a lamb to
the fucking slaughter, Dad.Copy !req
1158. - It's just stage fright.
- You're not listening!Copy !req
1159. It's normal. Okay?Copy !req
1160. You know what's
always helped me?Copy !req
1161. A little bit of Dutch courage.Copy !req
1162. Don't I know it.Copy !req
1163. Dad, I'm sorry. Dad!Copy !req
1164. No one buys a ticket to
hear your problems, son.Copy !req
1165. You wanna know why
these people are gods?Copy !req
1166. Because they make other
people's problems go away.Copy !req
1167. Dad, Dad, stay. Please!Copy !req
1168. Whoa!Copy !req
1169. He's been
climbing the chartsCopy !req
1170. - and conquering the world.
- Here he is!Copy !req
1171. You ready?
Here's daddy's best mate.Copy !req
1172. Ladies and gentlemen -
Robbie Williams!Copy !req
1173. Well, it's beenCopy !req
1174. a sudden change in
fortune for you, has it not?Copy !req
1175. I mean, you're flying high.Copy !req
1176. Sober as a judge, Parky.Copy !req
1177. Sorry, I have to do this.Copy !req
1178. Look Nan, it's Parky!Copy !req
1179. Oh, Betty!
It's Robert.Copy !req
1180. Let's talk if we mayCopy !req
1181. about this success
you've been having.Copy !req
1182. I mean, it's not
the first time, is it?Copy !req
1183. You've had it before
with Take That.Copy !req
1184. Would you say that this is a
different kind of success?Copy !req
1185. It means a great deal
more to me now.Copy !req
1186. I'm about to performCopy !req
1187. in front of a record crowd
at Knebworth in a few weeks.Copy !req
1188. - No, no, stop it. It's nothing.Copy !req
1189. It's only the biggest music
event in British history.Copy !req
1190. That's my boy.Copy !req
1191. But of course, Knebworth
is not the only recordCopy !req
1192. you've broken recently, is it?Copy !req
1193. There's the matter of
your new deal with EMI -Copy !req
1194. eighty million pounds.Copy !req
1195. - How does that feel?
- Ah, I don't know...Copy !req
1196. I'm rich beyond my
wildest dreams!Copy !req
1197. I thought
I was quoting that ladyCopy !req
1198. who famously
won the lottery.Copy !req
1199. But she said,
"Spend, spend, spend."Copy !req
1200. So no one got it.Copy !req
1201. Mind you, I've said worse
things in interviews...Copy !req
1202. How would you describe
your time with Take That?Copy !req
1203. I was very fortunate
to be in Take That...Copy !req
1204. .. and four out of the five
Spice Girls.Copy !req
1205. - Posh said no, didn't she?Copy !req
1206. Now, you've connected with
many women in the past—Copy !req
1207. Oh, we're going to talk
about my sex life.Copy !req
1208. Well, I suppose...Copy !req
1209. There's nothing to write
home about.Copy !req
1210. Which is a shame 'cause Mum
loves getting those letters.Copy !req
1211. Oh, I mean, how many
flat tyres can you have?Copy !req
1212. Well, the second one we
didn't even get out of the car.Copy !req
1213. There was no way Natalie
was going to ruin her hair,Copy !req
1214. so they just jacked it up
with us all inside.Copy !req
1215. - And the weather was—
- I'm just popping to the loo.Copy !req
1216. The weather
was horrendous.Copy !req
1217. At least the sound was good...Copy !req
1218. My voice was tired though.Copy !req
1219. Probably because
I wasn't sleeping.Copy !req
1220. Which is weird because the
bed was insanely comfortable.Copy !req
1221. I even got the name of the
mattress in case we wanted...Copy !req
1222. But you're
finally settling down?Copy !req
1223. I have
to be a realist.Copy !req
1224. You know, we're both
on tour a lot,Copy !req
1225. and it can be difficult,
you know.Copy !req
1226. So tell me, what's
it like for Robbie WilliamsCopy !req
1227. to be in love?Copy !req
1228. Well, that's difficult to...Copy !req
1229. .. um...Copy !req
1230. Flings are much easier.Copy !req
1231. You make me feel
so small...Copy !req
1232. .. and I've hated you for it...Copy !req
1233. .. for making me feel so...Copy !req
1234. .. unnecessary.Copy !req
1235. The fucking
awful things you do...Copy !req
1236. I thought you couldn't help it.Copy !req
1237. But you just don't want to.Copy !req
1238. And I can't help you anymore.Copy !req
1239. Rob?Copy !req
1240. Rob?Copy !req
1241. Rob, please say something.Copy !req
1242. Babe...Copy !req
1243. Nic, please!Copy !req
1244. You're a fucking animal!Copy !req
1245. Babe, you need to calm down.Copy !req
1246. Don't tell me
what I need.Copy !req
1247. - Get out!
- I can fix it!Copy !req
1248. You're too fucking late!Copy !req
1249. But I love you!Copy !req
1250. Easy!
Easy now. Come on.Copy !req
1251. Briggsy...Copy !req
1252. Oh, what the fuck.Copy !req
1253. - He's alright.
- Course I am!Copy !req
1254. Shit!Copy !req
1255. You should've
said 'no' to this one.Copy !req
1256. To Top of the Pops?Copy !req
1257. You can't buy
this kind of promotion.Copy !req
1258. What's to promote?
Knebworth's sold out.Copy !req
1259. The world tour.Copy !req
1260. What, he just
does KnebworthCopy !req
1261. and pops his feet up, does he?Copy !req
1262. You thought getting to
the top was hard.Copy !req
1263. Try staying there.Copy !req
1264. - On in five.
- Come on, you're up.Copy !req
1265. Leave it.Copy !req
1266. Oh, it's a woman!Copy !req
1267. Hi Mum, I'm about
to go on Top—Copy !req
1268. Where have you been?Copy !req
1269. I've been trying to reach you—Copy !req
1270. I know, I know, but listen,Copy !req
1271. I'll have to talk to you
later, ducky head,Copy !req
1272. because my pianist, well he's
accidentally shat himself,Copy !req
1273. and it's just a horror show—Copy !req
1274. It's your Nan.Copy !req
1275. She kept asking for ya.Copy !req
1276. I tried calling ya, but...Copy !req
1277. I'm so sorry, love...
she's gone.Copy !req
1278. Come on, mate.
Let's go.Copy !req
1279. Whoever pulls the
sword out of the stoneCopy !req
1280. gets to be the new
King of England.Copy !req
1281. He's here tonight to singCopy !req
1282. what has become the
unofficial national anthem.Copy !req
1283. It's the song on everyone's
lips and in everyone's hearts.Copy !req
1284. Ladies and gentlemen,
the ego has landed.Copy !req
1285. So the
next thing you know,Copy !req
1286. all the knights
are straining...Copy !req
1287. .. and turning red,
but nobody could budge it.Copy !req
1288. So you can imagine
how everyone laughedCopy !req
1289. when little Arthur
stepped up for his turn.Copy !req
1290. Everyone, except Merlin.Copy !req
1291. Merlin just stroked his beard
and whispered,Copy !req
1292. "Arthur, I know those sexy,
muscular knights couldn't do itCopy !req
1293. "and you're just
a little fart of a childCopy !req
1294. "with puny little arms.Copy !req
1295. "But I believe in you."Copy !req
1296. They were out of
salt and vinegar.Copy !req
1297. I don't want 'em.Copy !req
1298. Okay...Copy !req
1299. Ay, we should get
the boys together.Copy !req
1300. Hey? Have a little knees up
before your concert tomorrow.Copy !req
1301. It'd do you good.Copy !req
1302. I can't face it.Copy !req
1303. Zip me up.Copy !req
1304. Fucking hell.
What time's lift off?Copy !req
1305. - It helps hide the fat.
- Oh yeah.Copy !req
1306. You've no idea what it
takes to get up there.Copy !req
1307. - I can't sleep.Copy !req
1308. My back's fucked.Copy !req
1309. Yeah, but once you're up there
you're smashing it, so...Copy !req
1310. See, that fucks me right off
when people say that.Copy !req
1311. Being up there's the worst bit.Copy !req
1312. Pays alright, though.Copy !req
1313. Fuck...Copy !req
1314. You don't understand.Copy !req
1315. No, no,
I don't understand.Copy !req
1316. But at least I'm trying.Copy !req
1317. You know all I wanted,Copy !req
1318. was for you to ask me,
just once, how I'm doing...Copy !req
1319. You know, with work,
and my little girl.Copy !req
1320. I'm about to walk out
to 125,000 people!Copy !req
1321. You've got no fucking idea
what that feels like.Copy !req
1322. Yeah and you've no idea
that I earn in a monthCopy !req
1323. what you fucking
snort in a minute...Copy !req
1324. Or that Kayleigh's shacked
up with some fucking butcher,Copy !req
1325. and so I'm living in an estateCopy !req
1326. surrounded by
fucking psychopaths!Copy !req
1327. Or that I only get
to see my kidCopy !req
1328. for two hours every
fortnight or—Copy !req
1329. So you need money?Copy !req
1330. Fucking hell!Copy !req
1331. You know, jealousy
don't suit you, Nate.Copy !req
1332. Jealousy?
Are you fucking kidding?Copy !req
1333. Alright, yeah, I might
have close to fuck all,Copy !req
1334. but you, you have
fucking nothing!Copy !req
1335. And this coming from you -Copy !req
1336. a nothing, nobody cunt!Copy !req
1337. You know the difference
between me and you, Nate?Copy !req
1338. It's not my money,
it's not your kid.Copy !req
1339. It's the fact that
I had the fucking ballsCopy !req
1340. to make something
of myself.Copy !req
1341. Yeah...Copy !req
1342. You bought a ticket
to the dream,Copy !req
1343. and the dream came true, and...Copy !req
1344. Yeah, fuck it, I am,
I'm jealous of that.Copy !req
1345. But you can keep
the fucking rest.Copy !req
1346. Nate! Nate!Copy !req
1347. - Nate!Copy !req
1348. Fuck!Copy !req
1349. And the crowd goes mild!Copy !req
1350. Time to get ready, youth.Copy !req
1351. We're going by
helicopter and all...Copy !req
1352. Youth!Copy !req
1353. Oh, Jesus Christ!Copy !req
1354. Youth!Copy !req
1355. You bastard!
I thought you'd passed out.Copy !req
1356. I have waited my whole life
for you to step up,Copy !req
1357. and all it took was
booking the biggest concertCopy !req
1358. in British history.Copy !req
1359. What're you going on about?Copy !req
1360. When you left usCopy !req
1361. Where's all this coming from?Copy !req
1362. All those years I thought,
he's just sorting himself out.Copy !req
1363. He'll miss me so much
and he'll come back.Copy !req
1364. Yeah, and I did.Copy !req
1365. Yeah...Copy !req
1366. 'Cause Nan made you.Copy !req
1367. I didn't leave you with
nothing, though, did I?Copy !req
1368. Where do you think
your talent comes from?Copy !req
1369. Jesus Christ.Copy !req
1370. You've forgotten how
fucking lucky you are,Copy !req
1371. that's your problem.Copy !req
1372. It's a privilege to
do what we do.Copy !req
1373. What we do?Copy !req
1374. You live in a caravan.Copy !req
1375. You perform to fifteen
fucking people a night.Copy !req
1376. And I love every second of it.Copy !req
1377. And I don't need pills
to get me through.Copy !req
1378. Fucking hell...Copy !req
1379. Sure, I'd give anything
to play to a big crowd.Copy !req
1380. Of course I would!Copy !req
1381. But if I only ever played
to one personCopy !req
1382. for the rest of my life,Copy !req
1383. I'd be happy giving them
everything I've got.Copy !req
1384. Unless that person
was me though, right?Copy !req
1385. Really? Who's been cheering
you on from the wings, hey?Copy !req
1386. Who was it who stopped ya
from ruining your career?Copy !req
1387. There wouldn't be
a Robbie WilliamsCopy !req
1388. if it wasn't for me.Copy !req
1389. You've always been there
for Robbie Williams, Dad.Copy !req
1390. Why couldn't you just
be there for Robert?Copy !req
1391. You off to watch
the football then, yeah?Copy !req
1392. Nice one.Copy !req
1393. I'll see you in six years!Copy !req
1394. You don't have it.Copy !req
1395. That's why you
never made it!Copy !req
1396. Not as a husband, not as
a father, not as anything!Copy !req
1397. Peter Conway
doesn't fucking have it!Copy !req
1398. Everything
has come down to this.Copy !req
1399. They've come for me.Copy !req
1400. And I'm going to die out there.Copy !req
1401. This is the end.Copy !req
1402. Light 'em up.Copy !req
1403. Robbie!Copy !req
1404. Good evening, Knebworth.Copy !req
1405. My name is Robbie Williams,Copy !req
1406. this is my band,Copy !req
1407. and for the next two
hours your arse is mine!Copy !req
1408. We're going to slaughter you.Copy !req
1409. You're fucking useless!Copy !req
1410. You've got nowhere to go!Copy !req
1411. Do everyone a favour,
and fucking end it!Copy !req
1412. Bounce! Bounce! Bounce!Copy !req
1413. There's only one way out!Copy !req
1414. You don't deserve
to fucking live.Copy !req
1415. You will never be enough!Copy !req
1416. No, no, noooo!Copy !req
1417. I lost the house.Copy !req
1418. The worst thing was
I lost the ability to care.Copy !req
1419. You're next,
if you want to share.Copy !req
1420. I feel a bit stupid
to be honest.Copy !req
1421. I'm just a chav that got
everything they ever wanted.Copy !req
1422. It's a bit fucking embarrassing
to be frank.Copy !req
1423. I was taught that fame
would solve everything.Copy !req
1424. But fame's got fuck all
to do with me.Copy !req
1425. It's about acting out
everyone else's fantasies.Copy !req
1426. The shagging, the boozing,
the showing your bollocks on TVCopy !req
1427. and people cheering you for it.Copy !req
1428. Fame looks good in a photo.Copy !req
1429. They say your life freezes at
the age you become famous.Copy !req
1430. So I am fifteen.Copy !req
1431. I'm stunted.Copy !req
1432. I'm unevolved.Copy !req
1433. And that's why I'm always like,
Oh it's okay,Copy !req
1434. "I think I'm a cunt.
I'm fine with it."Copy !req
1435. So I get in there
before you do.Copy !req
1436. And I fucking
hate myself for it.Copy !req
1437. Sometimes it's a curse
to get everything we want.Copy !req
1438. Repairing close relationshipsCopy !req
1439. is a good first step to
repairing ourselves.Copy !req
1440. Good evening, folks.
Good evening, you slags.Copy !req
1441. No, good evening, folks.Copy !req
1442. So, who is Robbie Williams?Copy !req
1443. Well, I've been called
many things -Copy !req
1444. narcissistic, punchable,
shit-eating twat.Copy !req
1445. But while I'm all those things,Copy !req
1446. I want to show you
how I really see myself.Copy !req
1447. So sit back, relax,Copy !req
1448. while I give you a right
fucking entertaining.Copy !req
1449. So, the story starts...Copy !req
1450. This is the last
song of the evening.Copy !req
1451. It's sadder than that.Copy !req
1452. It's much sadder than that.Copy !req
1453. Thank you for being a
wonderful audience tonightCopy !req
1454. and making my
dream come true.Copy !req
1455. I want to thank my mum -Copy !req
1456. for being there
when I needed ya -Copy !req
1457. always.Copy !req
1458. I love you.Copy !req
1459. You guessed it, folks!Copy !req
1460. If you know the words,
sing up.Copy !req
1461. If you don't, shut up,
it'll sound crap.Copy !req
1462. Love you, Robbie.Copy !req
1463. Come on...Copy !req
1464. Now, I couldn't
finish the showCopy !req
1465. without mentioning
someone else here tonight.Copy !req
1466. I share a lot of the same
mannerisms as this person.Copy !req
1467. People say I sing
a bit like him too.Copy !req
1468. He's made me who I am -Copy !req
1469. all the good things and
a touch of the bad.Copy !req
1470. And I wouldn't be where
I am without him.Copy !req
1471. We haven't performed
together for...Copy !req
1472. .. twenty five years.Copy !req
1473. But I've wanted to
every day since.Copy !req
1474. Please welcome to the stage...Copy !req
1475. ..my dad.Copy !req
1476. Thank you very much.Copy !req
1477. What do you think, youth,
shall we light 'em up?Copy !req
1478. Tell it like it is, Dad.Copy !req
1479. Me too.Copy !req
1480. - I'm sorry, Robert.
- I know, Dad.Copy !req
1481. You always had it, you know.Copy !req
1482. Now, look at you.
You're one of the gods.Copy !req
1483. Peter Conway, everybody.Copy !req
1484. My dad!Copy !req
1485. Or at least that's
what Mum told us.Copy !req
1486. Robbie...Copy !req
1487. We love you!Copy !req
1488. Nan! This is your grandson
singing and I love you.Copy !req
1489. Who did I love
when I was a kid?Copy !req
1490. I loved Frank Sinatra.Copy !req
1491. And I loved my dad
and he's an entertainer.Copy !req
1492. Shit! That's who I am.
That feels good to me.Copy !req
1493. I want to make the
twelve-year-old at my Nan's,Copy !req
1494. watching TV on a
Saturday night, feeling safe...Copy !req
1495. I wanted to make that
same twelve-year-oldCopy !req
1496. feel safe onstage.Copy !req
1497. I'm a fucking entertainer.Copy !req
1498. It might be cabaret,
but it's world-class cabaret,Copy !req
1499. and I'm the fucking best at it.Copy !req
1500. Fuck yourselves!Copy !req
1501. Captions produced by
Access Media Pty LtdCopy !req