1. Craig, honey, it's time for bed.Copy !req
2. Craig, honey, time to get up.Copy !req
3. Craig, honey, time to get up.Copy !req
4. Craig, honey, time to get up.
Craig, honey, time to get up.Copy !req
5. - Lotte.
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
6. I didn't know that Orrin Hatch
was out of his cage.Copy !req
7. - Come here. Morning, sweetheart.
- Morning.Copy !req
8. What are you gonna do today, honey?Copy !req
9. - Working in the workshop.
- You know, I was thinking.Copy !req
10. Maybe you'd fell better
if you got a job or something.Copy !req
11. Lotte, we've been over this.Copy !req
12. Nobody's looking for a puppeteer
in today's wintry economic climate.Copy !req
13. I know, honey, but I thought, you know...Copy !req
14. maybe something else
until this puppet thing turns around.Copy !req
15. Derek Mantini doesn't need a day job.Copy !req
16. Craig, not everybody can be Derek Mantini.Copy !req
17. I gotta get to the shop. We have
a shipment of kitty litter coming in today.Copy !req
18. Honey, will you do me a favor?
Will you just take a look at Elijah today?Copy !req
19. - He's not feeling very good again.
- Which one is Elijah again?Copy !req
20. - The chimp, honey.
- Yeah, okay.Copy !req
21. On the lighter side of the news,
in Westchester County today . . .Copy !req
22. puppeteer Derek Mantini thrilled onlookers
as he performed The Belle of Amherst...Copy !req
23. with a 60-foot Emily Dickinson puppet.Copy !req
24. How dreary to be somebody.Copy !req
25. How public, like a frog,
to tell you one's name the livelong day.Copy !req
26. Gimmicky bastard.Copy !req
27. You don't know how lucky you are,
being a monkey.Copy !req
28. - Because consciousness –Copy !req
29. is a terrible curse.Copy !req
30. I think, I feel... I suffer.Copy !req
31. And all I ask in return
is the opportunity to do my work.Copy !req
32. And they won't allow it –Copy !req
33. - because I raise issues.Copy !req
34. While we enjoy
the pleasures of an uneasy love . . .Copy !req
35. and abandon ourselves to fornication . . .Copy !req
36. we were spared God's severity.Copy !req
37. Say no more, I beg you,
and cease from complaints like these . . .Copy !req
38. which are so far removed
from the true depths of love.Copy !req
39. Okay, honey, just for a minute.
Mommy's waiting.Copy !req
40. Even during the celebration of Mass . . .Copy !req
41. when our prayers should be pure...Copy !req
42. lewd visions of these pleasures
take such a hold . . .Copy !req
43. upon my unhappy soul…Copy !req
44. that my thoughts are
on their very wantonness...Copy !req
45. instead of my prayers.Copy !req
46. Sometimes my thoughts are betrayed . . .Copy !req
47. by the movement of my body.Copy !req
48. I took my fill
of my wretched pleasures in you . . .Copy !req
49. and this was the sum total of my love.Copy !req
50. You motherfucker!Copy !req
51. Oh, Craig!Copy !req
52. Honey, not again!Copy !req
53. Why do you do this to yourself, honey?Copy !req
54. I'm a puppeteer.Copy !req
55. Seven and a half, right?Copy !req
56. - Uh, yeah.
- I'll take you through it.Copy !req
57. Seven and a half.Copy !req
58. Thank you.Copy !req
59. Welcome to Lestercorp.
How may we meet your filling needs?Copy !req
60. No. Um, my name's Craig Schwartz,
and I have an interview with Dr. Lester.Copy !req
61. Oh. Uh, please have a seat, Mr. Juarez.Copy !req
62. Schwartz.Copy !req
63. - Pardon?
- Schwartz.Copy !req
64. I-I'm sorry. I have no idea
what you're saying to me right now.Copy !req
65. - My name is Schwartz.
- My name is Warts?Copy !req
66. Mr. Juarez?Copy !req
67. - Oh. Yes?
- Chest?Copy !req
68. I said, "Yes?"Copy !req
69. You suggest what? I'm sorry.Copy !req
70. I have no time for piddling suggestions
from mumbling job applicants.Copy !req
71. Besides, Dr. Lester will see you now.Copy !req
72. Oh, come in, uh, Mr. Juarez.Copy !req
73. Actually, my name is Craig Schwartz,
Dr. Lester.Copy !req
74. - Security!
- No, sir, it's –Copy !req
75. It's just a little mix-up with your secretary.
My name is Craig Schwartz.Copy !req
76. I tried to explain that to her.Copy !req
77. She's not my secretary.Copy !req
78. - She's what they call an executive liaison.
- Ah.Copy !req
79. And I'm not banging her,
if that's what you're implying.Copy !req
80. No, sir, not at all.
I think I must have simply misspoke.Copy !req
81. Ah. Well, now, tell me, Dr. Schwartz...Copy !req
82. what do you feel
you can bring to Lestercorp?Copy !req
83. Uh, well, sir, I'm an excellent filer.Copy !req
84. Are you? All right. Let's see about that.Copy !req
85. Tell me, which of these two letters
comes first? This one or this one?Copy !req
86. The symbol on the left is not a letter, sir.Copy !req
87. Damn, you're good.Copy !req
88. - I was trying to trick you.
- I see.Copy !req
89. Well, then, put these in order.Copy !req
90. Yes, sir.Copy !req
91. Floris, get Guinness on the phone.Copy !req
92. Yes, sir. Genghis Khan Capone. Fine.Copy !req
93. Damn fine woman – Floris.Copy !req
94. I don't know how she puts up
with this speech impediment of mine.Copy !req
95. You don't have a speech impediment,
Dr. Lester.Copy !req
96. Flattery will get you everywhere, my boy.Copy !req
97. I'm afraid I have to trust Floris on that one.Copy !req
98. You see, she's got her doctorate...Copy !req
99. in speech impedimentology
from Case Western.Copy !req
100. I apologize if you can't understand
a word I'm saying.Copy !req
101. No, I understand perfectly.Copy !req
102. Oh, it's very kind of you to lie.Copy !req
103. You see, I've been very lonely...Copy !req
104. in my isolated tower
of indecipherable speech.Copy !req
105. - You got the job.Copy !req
106. - Any questions?
- Well, just one.Copy !req
107. Why are these ceilings so low?Copy !req
108. Low overhead, my boy!
We pass the savings on to you.Copy !req
109. But seriously,
that'll all be covered in orientation.Copy !req
110. Welcome to the seven and a half floor
of the Mertin Flemmer Building.Copy !req
111. As you'll now be spending
your work day here...Copy !req
112. it is important that you learn a bit
about the history of this famous floor.Copy !req
113. - Hello, Don.
- Hello, Wendy.Copy !req
114. Don, I was wondering, do you know why...Copy !req
115. our workplace has such low ceilings?Copy !req
116. It's an interesting story, Wendy.Copy !req
117. Many years ago in the late 1800s...Copy !req
118. James Mertin, an Irish ship captain,
came to this town . . .Copy !req
119. and decided to erect an office building.Copy !req
120. He called this building
the Mertin Flemmer Building after himself . . .Copy !req
121. and someone else, who local legend
has it was named Flemmer.Copy !req
122. Well, one day, old Captain Mertin
received an unexpected visitor.Copy !req
123. - Captain Mertin?
- Aye. What want ye, girl child?Copy !req
124. I'm not a child, but rather an adult lady
of miniature proportions.Copy !req
125. I see.Copy !req
126. Well, if it's charity you're after,
be gone with ye, you foul demon!Copy !req
127. I'm not asking for alms, Captain . . .Copy !req
128. but, rather, the ear of a kind man
with a noble heart.Copy !req
129. Well, speak then, if you must.Copy !req
130. Captain Mertin, I'm afraid that the world
was not built with me in mind.Copy !req
131. Doorknobs are too high,
chairs are unwieldy...Copy !req
132. and high-ceilinged rooms
mock my stature.Copy !req
133. Why cannot there be a place for me
to work that's safe and comfortable?Copy !req
134. Thy story has moved me like no other.Copy !req
135. Therefore, I shall make ye –
me wife.Copy !req
136. And – And I shall build a floor for ye . . .Copy !req
137. between the seventh and the eighth
in me own building...Copy !req
138. so at least there'll be one place
on God's green Earth . . .Copy !req
139. where ye and your accursed kind
can live in peace.Copy !req
140. So that's the story of seven and a half.Copy !req
141. Since the rents are considerably lower,
this floor has been adopted . . .Copy !req
142. by businesses which, for one reason or another,
have been forced to cut corners.Copy !req
143. After all, the overhead is low.Copy !req
144. Moving story, huh?Copy !req
145. Unfortunately, the story's bullshit.Copy !req
146. Listen, I'm Craig Schwartz.
I'm just starting out at Lestercorp.Copy !req
147. Where are you just starting out?Copy !req
148. Shut up! Shut up!Copy !req
149. - Shut up! Shut up!
- Hey, shut up!Copy !req
150. - Shut up!
- I'm sorry, honey.Copy !req
151. - I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
152. Sorry, honey.Copy !req
153. - Sorry, honey.Copy !req
154. - Shut up!
- Sorry!Copy !req
155. - Help! She's locking me in a cage.
- Isn't that cute?Copy !req
156. - I just taught him that today.
- Yeah, that's adorable.Copy !req
157. - You want to do some dishes for me?
- Put that down.Copy !req
158. Here, Elijah. Here you go.Copy !req
159. You know, I have an appointment
tomorrow morning with Elijah's shrink.Copy !req
160. - Uh-huh.
- Yeah.Copy !req
161. We think we're finally getting down to
the bottom of this acid stomach, aren't we?Copy !req
162. - Come here.Copy !req
163. Here. Just get down from the –Copy !req
164. She thinks that it's
some sort of childhood trauma.Copy !req
165. Get down, buddy.Copy !req
166. - Get down, buddy.
- Feelings of inadequacy as a chimp, you know?Copy !req
167. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
168. Careful. Isn't that interesting?Copy !req
169. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
170. I find it really interesting.Copy !req
171. So, honey, have you thought any more
about us having a baby?Copy !req
172. Uh, you know, I think it's just so tough
right now economically and all –Copy !req
173. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
174. that – that I think that maybe we should
just wait and see if this job thing pays off.Copy !req
175. - You know?
- Okay.Copy !req
176. I was thinking about
what you were saying the other day...Copy !req
177. about that orientation film being bullshit.Copy !req
178. Yes?Copy !req
179. I think maybe you're on to something.Copy !req
180. And 50 other lines to get into a girl's pants.Copy !req
181. No, no!Copy !req
182. No, no, no. I was just talking
about the – you know, about the film.Copy !req
183. Here's the thing.Copy !req
184. If you ever got me...Copy !req
185. you wouldn't have a clue
what to do with me.Copy !req
186. I wasn't – I was talking about the film.Copy !req
187. Ooh, what magic those fingers could
work on the right cabinet, mmm.Copy !req
188. Maybe you could alphabetize me.Copy !req
189. And don't forget...Copy !req
190. "l" comes before... "U."Copy !req
191. Floris, I think you're very nice...Copy !req
192. but the truth is that...
I'm in love with someone else.Copy !req
193. I'm afraid I have no idea
what you're saying to me.Copy !req
194. - You bastard.
- What?Copy !req
195. - Don't toy with Floris, Schwartz.
- Oh, no –Copy !req
196. If I was 80 years younger,
I'd box your ears.Copy !req
197. I wasn't toying with her, sir.
I wouldn't –Copy !req
198. - Pardon me. How old are you, sir?
- 105.Copy !req
199. Carrot juice, and lots of it.Copy !req
200. I swear, sometimes it's not worth it.
I piss orange.Copy !req
201. And I have to piss sitting down...Copy !req
202. like a goddamn girlie-girl,
every 15 minutes.Copy !req
203. - Mmm.
- But nobody wants to die.Copy !req
204. Ah, to be a young man again, eh, Schwartz?Copy !req
205. Maybe then Floris would care for me.Copy !req
206. But the elderly have so much to offer, sir.
They're our link with history.Copy !req
207. I don't wanna be your goddamn link,
damn ya.Copy !req
208. I want to feel Floris's naked thighs
next to mine.Copy !req
209. I want my body to inspire lust...Copy !req
210. in that beautiful, complex woman.Copy !req
211. I want her to shiver with a spasm of ecstasy...Copy !req
212. Schwartz, as I penetrate her wet –Copy !req
213. Dr. Lester, while I'm flattered
you would share your feelings with me...Copy !req
214. perhaps the workplace is not the most suitable
environment for this type of discussion.Copy !req
215. All right. You're right. I'll tell you what.Copy !req
216. Meet me after work today
at Jerry's Juiceteria on Lex...Copy !req
217. and I'll spill my goddamn guts for ya.Copy !req
218. No, I won't be late, Lotte.
I just have to, you know...Copy !req
219. listen to Lester's sexual fantasies
and drink carrot juice for a while.Copy !req
220. You know, it's a job thing, really.Copy !req
221. Yeah. So, um, I'll talk to you later, okay?
Yeah. You too.Copy !req
222. Gotta go back to work. Okay, bye.Copy !req
223. Hi. Do you know that I don't even know
your name or where you work?Copy !req
224. Yeah.Copy !req
225. Um, okay, how 'bout this?Copy !req
226. If I can guess your name in three tries,
you have to come have a drink with me tonight.Copy !req
227. - Why not?Copy !req
228. - Okay.Copy !req
229. You look like a...Copy !req
230. Bar –Copy !req
231. Ru –Copy !req
232. Bell – Lu –Copy !req
233. I – Carol –Copy !req
234. Ta – Shar –Copy !req
235. Susann –Copy !req
236. Emm... ily –Copy !req
237. Mar... lar –Copy !req
238. Maax... ine – M-M-M – Maxine?Copy !req
239. Yeah! Who told you?Copy !req
240. Nobody told me.
That just came out.Copy !req
241. Don't you think that – Isn't that odd?Copy !req
242. So where do you live and stuff?Copy !req
243. I am dubious...Copy !req
244. but I don't welsh.Copy !req
245. Okay, meet me at The Stuck Pig, 7:00.Copy !req
246. If you're late, I walk.Copy !req
247. Nubile. Blonde.Copy !req
248. Wet with desire. Me in leather.Copy !req
249. A harness, if you like.Copy !req
250. And all eyes, Craig, are upon me as I speak.Copy !req
251. "Ladies," I begin.Copy !req
252. "l am the love god Eros." They like that.Copy !req
253. "l intoxicate you.Copy !req
254. My spunk is, to you,
as manna from heaven."Copy !req
255. Dr. Lester, this is all
really fascinating and stuff...Copy !req
256. but I gotta... get back home to my wife.Copy !req
257. Ah, you have a wife.
I'd like to meet her, Craig.Copy !req
258. - Yes, sir.
- Shall we say dinner Thursday?Copy !req
259. You can come, too, if you like.Copy !req
260. Get that? That was a joke.
You hear what I said? You can come too.Copy !req
261. - That was a good one.Copy !req
262. - All right. Thank you.
- Yeah.Copy !req
263. Maxine. Maxine.Copy !req
264. - Made it. I made it, Maxine.
- Just.Copy !req
265. Buy you a drink, Maxine? Maxine?Copy !req
266. Are you married?Copy !req
267. - Yeah. But enough about me.
- Yeah.Copy !req
268. - What'll you have?
- I'll have more of the same, please, Barry.Copy !req
269. And I'll have, uh, a light beer or something.Copy !req
270. Hai.Copy !req
271. So, uh...Copy !req
272. I – I don't know – l, uh – I like you.Copy !req
273. - I don't know what it is about you. I just –
- My tits?Copy !req
274. - No! No, no, no, no.
- No?Copy !req
275. No, it's your energy, your attitude,
you know, the way you carry yourself.Copy !req
276. - You're not a fag, are you?
- No. I am really attracted to you.Copy !req
277. "l am really attracted to you."
Christ, you are a fag.Copy !req
278. Okay. Well, we can share recipes
if you like, Darlene.Copy !req
279. - No, no, wait! I love your tits. I love 'em.
- Good.Copy !req
280. - I wanna fuck 'em.
- Great! Now we're gettin' somewhere.Copy !req
281. - Not a chance.Copy !req
282. So, tell me about yourself, huh?Copy !req
283. I mean, if you can get your mind out
of the gutter long enough, dog boy.Copy !req
284. Well, I'm a puppeteer.Copy !req
285. - I – I've been –
- Check.Copy !req
286. Hey.Copy !req
287. - Hey.
- I'm sorry I'm so late. I just –Copy !req
288. Lester just wouldn't... let me get away.Copy !req
289. Hi, Elijah.Copy !req
290. We're supposed to have dinner
with him on Thursday...Copy !req
291. but I can get us out of it, if you want.Copy !req
292. It's amazing.
He's like this insane old lech...Copy !req
293. and it's, um, kind of amusing once you
get past how disgusting it actually is.Copy !req
294. - Did you eat?
- No. No, no. I'm not hungry.Copy !req
295. I'm sorry I didn't call. You know,
it was just hard to get away, you know?Copy !req
296. - Yeah, I was worried.
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
297. - You know –Copy !req
298. you wanted me to work.Copy !req
299. - How was your evening?
- Well –Copy !req
300. Tom-Tom's puncture wound is infected.Copy !req
301. - The ferret?
- The iguana.Copy !req
302. Right.Copy !req
303. So I just dressed the wound...Copy !req
304. and I've just been feeding everyone
and putting everybody to bed.Copy !req
305. - You want a beer?
- No. I think I'm going to go to bed.Copy !req
306. Elijah's gonna sleep with us tonight.Copy !req
307. - I don't think he's feeling very well.
- Okay.Copy !req
308. - Yeah.
- Hmm.Copy !req
309. Well, you know what? I'm – I'm gonna go
to my workshop for a little while. You know?Copy !req
310. - But I'll be in in a little while.
- Okay.Copy !req
311. Tell me, Craig,
why do you love puppeteering?Copy !req
312. Well, Maxine, I'm not sure exactly.Copy !req
313. Perhaps it's the idea of becoming
someone else for a little while.Copy !req
314. Being inside another skin...Copy !req
315. thinking differently, moving differently...Copy !req
316. feeling differently.Copy !req
317. Interesting, Craig.Copy !req
318. Would you like to be inside my skin...Copy !req
319. think what I think, feel what I feel?Copy !req
320. More than anything, Maxine.Copy !req
321. It's good in here, Craig.Copy !req
322. It's better than your wildest dreams.Copy !req
323. You're not somebody
I could get interested in, Craig.Copy !req
324. You play with dolls.Copy !req
325. Puppets, Maxine.Copy !req
326. You see, it's the idea
of being inside someone else's skin...Copy !req
327. and-and seeing what they see
and feeling what they feel.Copy !req
328. Yikes!Copy !req
329. - It's just that, well – Please let me explain.Copy !req
330. - Just that I've never done this before, but...Copy !req
331. you know, I feel something for you, Maxine,
and I've never felt this way before...Copy !req
332. you know, about anybody,
n-not even my wife.Copy !req
333. And I just –Copy !req
334. I really feel that you and l
belong together, Maxine.Copy !req
335. - Aw!Copy !req
336. Shit.Copy !req
337. Hmm.Copy !req
338. - All right. See you later.Copy !req
339. Hello. Mail room.Copy !req
340. Yeah. Yeah. What's the file number?Copy !req
341. - 3-2-3-6-4. Yep.Copy !req
342. - Oh!Copy !req
343. Oh, you know what?
The puppeteer told me he loved me today.Copy !req
344. I know. I can't think
of anything more pathetic.Copy !req
345. I'm sorry.Copy !req
346. Good afternoon, sir.Copy !req
347. - The Broadhurst Theater, please.Copy !req
348. Hey, say, uh, ain't you that actor guy?Copy !req
349. Yes.Copy !req
350. Yeah, John, uh –
What is, uh – John, um, uh –Copy !req
351. Uh, don't tell me. Mapplethorpe?Copy !req
352. - Malkovich.
- Malkovich. Right, right. Okay.Copy !req
353. Okay. Yeah. I thought you were
all right in that one movie.Copy !req
354. Thank you.Copy !req
355. The one where you played a jewel thief.Copy !req
356. - I never played a jewel thief.
- No?Copy !req
357. - Who am I thinkin' of?
- I don't know.Copy !req
358. Just, uh –Copy !req
359. No. No, I'm pretty sure it was you.Copy !req
360. - The, uh – 'Cause, uh –Copy !req
361. Yeah. Absolutely, doll.Copy !req
362. Yeah. I'm just about to close up.Copy !req
363. Wanna meet at the Pig in 20 minutes?
Cool. Bye.Copy !req
364. Hey, I'm splittin' for the day, puppet man.
Lock up for me, okay?Copy !req
365. Don't you wanna know
what happened to me?Copy !req
366. - No.
- Please, this is important.Copy !req
367. Better be.Copy !req
368. It is.Copy !req
369. There's a tiny door in my office, Maxine.Copy !req
370. It's a portal,
and it takes you inside John Malkovich.Copy !req
371. You see the world
through John Malkovich's eyes...Copy !req
372. and then after about 15 minutes,
you're spit out...Copy !req
373. into a ditch on the side
of the New Jersey Turnpike.Copy !req
374. Sounds great!
Who the fuck is John Malkovich?Copy !req
375. Oh, he's an actor. He's one of the great
American actors of the 20th century.Copy !req
376. Oh, yeah? What's he been in?Copy !req
377. Lots of things.
That jewel thief movie, for example.Copy !req
378. He's very well respected.
Anyway, the point is...Copy !req
379. this is a very odd thing.Copy !req
380. It's supernatural,
for lack of a better word.Copy !req
381. I mean, it raises all sorts of
philosophical-type questions, you know...Copy !req
382. about the nature of self,
about the existence of a soul.Copy !req
383. You know, am I me?
Is Malkovich Malkovich?Copy !req
384. I had a piece of wood in my hand, Maxine.Copy !req
385. I don't have it anymore. Where is it?Copy !req
386. Did it disappear? How could that be?Copy !req
387. Is it still in Malkovich's head?
I don't know!Copy !req
388. Do you see what a metaphysical
can of worms this portal is?Copy !req
389. I don't see how I could go on living
my life the way I've lived it before.Copy !req
390. Yeah?Copy !req
391. So I've been thinking.
Is this Malkovich fellow appealing?Copy !req
392. Maxine! Yes, of course, Maxine.
He's a celebrity.Copy !req
393. Good. We'll sell tickets.Copy !req
394. Tickets to Malkovich?Copy !req
395. Exactly. $200 a pop.Copy !req
396. But, Maxine, there's something,
I don't know, like profound here.Copy !req
397. I don't know if maybe we should exploit it.
You think?Copy !req
398. Mmm, I need you for this, Craigy.Copy !req
399. You're my man on the inside.Copy !req
400. You need me? I'm your man?Copy !req
401. - Sure, whatever.Copy !req
402. - Hey.Copy !req
403. - Hey, everybody, I'm home.Copy !req
404. - Treats for everyone.
- Maxine?Copy !req
405. Yeah?Copy !req
406. We don't know
the significance of this thing.Copy !req
407. - It might be dangerous to toy with?Copy !req
408. Well, I'll protect you, doll face.Copy !req
409. - Bye-bye.Copy !req
410. - Who was that?Copy !req
411. So, you know, I'm going to be working
a lot of late nights with this partner...Copy !req
412. because Lestercorp's open during the day,
so I'll be working a lot of late nights, you know?Copy !req
413. But it's a good thing, not a bad thing...Copy !req
414. 'cause it's gonna get us
out of the hole financially...Copy !req
415. 'cause we're gonna turn it into a business.Copy !req
416. Yeah, but, Craig, I don't understand.
There's not –Copy !req
417. There's no such thing as a hole, or a portal,
into somebody's brain.Copy !req
418. Yes, there is.
The brain, or soul, or whatever.Copy !req
419. I was inside John Malkovich lookin' out.Copy !req
420. - Really?
- Yep.Copy !req
421. - I wanna try it then.
- Pardon me?Copy !req
422. I want to be John Malkovich, tomorrow.Copy !req
423. That'd be perfect, 'cause then I can
meet your partner. I'd love to meet –Copy !req
424. The thing is, as I said before,
Lestercorp's open during the day...Copy !req
425. so we can't go during the day.Copy !req
426. But I tell you what – if you want to,
we can do it right now.Copy !req
427. - Now? Right now?
- Tonight.Copy !req
428. Yeah. Right now, on the way to Lester's.Copy !req
429. I'll meet you on the side of the road
by the New Jersey Turnpike.Copy !req
430. I'm scared.Copy !req
431. You don't have to do this, you know.Copy !req
432. No.Copy !req
433. No, l-l wanna go.Copy !req
434. - You sure?
- Yeah.Copy !req
435. Okay.Copy !req
436. It's wet.Copy !req
437. Weird.Copy !req
438. That's nice. Oh!Copy !req
439. Oh!Copy !req
440. Oh, mmm!Copy !req
441. Oh! Mmm.Copy !req
442. God.
I feel sexy.Copy !req
443. Lotte, are you all right?Copy !req
444. Craig! Craig, I gotta go back!Copy !req
445. - No!
- Maybe tomorrow, all right?Copy !req
446. No, no, no, no! I gotta go back!
I gotta go back now!Copy !req
447. We'll talk about it later.Copy !req
448. Wow!Copy !req
449. Being inside did something to me.Copy !req
450. I knew who I was. It was –Copy !req
451. It's like everything made sense.
You know, l-l knew who I was.Copy !req
452. But you weren't you.
You were John Malkovich.Copy !req
453. God, I was. I was, wasn't l?Copy !req
454. I was –Copy !req
455. I was John Malkovich.Copy !req
456. I was –
I was John fucking Malkovich!Copy !req
457. - Take me back, Craig.
- We're late for Lester.Copy !req
458. So tell me, Lotte,
can you understand a word I'm saying?Copy !req
459. Oh, yes, Dr. Lester. Absolutely.Copy !req
460. You were just explaining
the, um, nutritional value...Copy !req
461. of ingesting minerals through a colloidal form,
which I personally couldn't agree more with.Copy !req
462. Oh! Be still, my heart.Copy !req
463. Dr. Lester, would you mind just pointing me
in the direction of the restroom?Copy !req
464. Ah. With the greatest of pleasure, my dear.Copy !req
465. You go up the grand escalier...Copy !req
466. and once atop the stairs,
you'll want to enter the, uh...Copy !req
467. fifth door on my left.Copy !req
468. - Watch the step down. It's sunken.
- Okay. Thank you.Copy !req
469. "Malkovich Physical Development."Copy !req
470. What do you think Lester's relationship
with John Malkovich is?Copy !req
471. That portal's been boarded up forever.Copy !req
472. I bet Lester's not even aware of it –
him – the portal. Why?Copy !req
473. No reason. I was just thinking.Copy !req
474. Do you think that it's kind of weird
that John Malkovich has a portal?Copy !req
475. I mean, do you think that it might have
some sort of significance, for example?Copy !req
476. I don't know. Why do you think that?Copy !req
477. I don't even care.Copy !req
478. I think it's kind of sexy
that John Malkovich has a portal.Copy !req
479. You know, sort of like
it's like he has a vagina.Copy !req
480. It's sort of vaginal, you know,
like he has a –Copy !req
481. he has a penis and a vagina.Copy !req
482. It's sort of like...Copy !req
483. Malkovich's feminine side.Copy !req
484. I like that.Copy !req
485. 'Visit J.M. lnc.
Mertin Flemmer Building.Copy !req
486. Nightly from 9:00 p.m. To 4:00 a.m."Copy !req
487. Sounds good.
Oblique but intriguing. Phone it in.Copy !req
488. - Want me to phone it in?
- No.Copy !req
489. - Lotte!
- Hi.Copy !req
490. - I heard your voice.
- What are you doing here?Copy !req
491. Is this your partner? She's pretty.Copy !req
492. I had to do the Malkovich ride again,
you know? Is this her?Copy !req
493. - Hi. You're Craig's wife?
- Yeah. Hi.Copy !req
494. Lotte, Maxine. Maxine, Lotte.Copy !req
495. - So have you done Malkovich yet?
- Uh, hi. Yeah, I want to place an ad.Copy !req
496. Okay. "Ever want to be someone else?"Copy !req
497. No, that's the ad,
but we can talk about you in a minute.Copy !req
498. Um, "Ever want to be someone else?Copy !req
499. Now you can. Visit J.M. lnc."Copy !req
500. lnc. Mertin.
M-E-R-T-l-N. Flemmer.Copy !req
501. You should really be at work.Copy !req
502. I've been going over and over
my experience last night, Craig.Copy !req
503. It was amazing.Copy !req
504. I've decided...Copy !req
505. that I'm a transsexual.Copy !req
506. - I know it's the craziest thing, Craig!
- What, are you fuckin' nuts?Copy !req
507. No. It's just that for the first time,
everything just felt right.Copy !req
508. I've got to make sure.Copy !req
509. But if the feeling is still there...Copy !req
510. I'm going to talk to Dr. Feldman
about sexual reassignment surgery.Copy !req
511. This is absurd!
Besides, Feldman is an allergist.Copy !req
512. If you're gonna do something, do it right.
We talked about this a million times.Copy !req
513. You get these half-assed ideas,
and then you do a half-assed job.Copy !req
514. Just drop it.Copy !req
515. It's just that I really, you know –
I like Dr. Feldman. All right?Copy !req
516. So I thought that
I would ask him his opinion. Why –Copy !req
517. Is there something so terrible about that?Copy !req
518. - Why do you always yell at me like this?
- Sweetie, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay?Copy !req
519. It's just a phase. It's the thrill
of seeing through somebody else's eyes.Copy !req
520. Okay? It'll pass.Copy !req
521. Don't stand in the way
of my actualization as a man.Copy !req
522. Let her go, Craig.Copy !req
523. - Okay.
- I mean him.Copy !req
524. Right now?Copy !req
525. Uh-huh.Copy !req
526. It's the middle of the day.
How am I going to get her past Lester?Copy !req
527. - Yawn. Figure it out.
- Okay.Copy !req
528. Let's go. Come on.Copy !req
529. - Bye.
- Bye.Copy !req
530. Davey, it's Max.Copy !req
531. Listen, can you get me
John Malkovich's home phone?Copy !req
532. "But what I had been through.Copy !req
533. I am hungry as the winter.Copy !req
534. I am sick, anxious, poor as a beggar.Copy !req
535. Fate has tossed me hither and thither.Copy !req
536. I have been everywhere. Everywhere.Copy !req
537. - So strong.
- But wherever I have been...Copy !req
538. - every minute, day and night –
- I want that voice.Copy !req
539. my soul has been full
of mysterious anticipations.Copy !req
540. My soul has been full
of mysterious –Copy !req
541. - I feel the approach of happiness.
- anticipation.Copy !req
542. Anya, I see it coming."Copy !req
543. Yeah?Copy !req
544. - Mr. John Malkovich?
- Yeah. Who's calling?Copy !req
545. Oh, my goodness!Copy !req
546. You don't know me, but I know you.Copy !req
547. I'm a great admirer of yours.Copy !req
548. How did you get this number?Copy !req
549. Ah, well – it's just that I –Copy !req
550. I – I dream about you.Copy !req
551. And, um, well, even speaking to you now...Copy !req
552. has gotten me sort of excited, you know?Copy !req
553. Wow, the way this woman's talking to him.Copy !req
554. Listen, I really don't find this amusing.Copy !req
555. - Don't call here anymore, okay?
- Well!Copy !req
556. My nipples are at attention,
General Malkovich, sir.Copy !req
557. What, her nipples?Copy !req
558. So, listen,
why don't we have dinner tonight?Copy !req
559. Bernardo's? 8:00?Copy !req
560. I really want to see you.
I just loved you in that jewel thief movie.Copy !req
561. You're not gonna meet her there? Come on!Copy !req
562. - Meet her. Meet her there. Meet her there.Copy !req
563. - Meet her there!
- " . . .as the winter.Copy !req
564. I am sick, anxious, poor as a beggar.Copy !req
565. - Meet her there! Meet her there!
- Fate has tossed me hither and thither.Copy !req
566. - Meet her there! Meet her there!
- I have been everywhere. Everywhere.Copy !req
567. But wherever I have been,
every minute, day and night –Copy !req
568. - Meet her there. Meet her there.
- my soul has been full –Copy !req
569. - Yes!
- of mysterious anticipations."Copy !req
570. How was it?Copy !req
571. I have to go back at 8:00 exactly, tonight.Copy !req
572. Why?Copy !req
573. Don't crowd me, Craig.Copy !req
574. - Excuse me. Are you John Malkovich?
- Yes, I am.Copy !req
575. Wow. You really are great in that movie
where you play that retard.Copy !req
576. Oh, thank you very much.
Thank you.Copy !req
577. - I have a cousin who's a retard.
- Oh. Thank you.Copy !req
578. Yes. So, um, as you might imagine,
it means a lot to me...Copy !req
579. to see retards...Copy !req
580. portrayed on the silver screen
so compassionately.Copy !req
581. Thanks. Well, thank you very much.
I appreciate it.Copy !req
582. - Yeah.
- Good night.Copy !req
583. Maxine?Copy !req
584. - It's Maxine.
- Hi.Copy !req
585. I'm so glad you decided to come.
I'm Maxine.Copy !req
586. I'm John. How do you do?Copy !req
587. Good.Copy !req
588. I wasn't sure I was going to come...Copy !req
589. but I felt, uh, oddly compelled.Copy !req
590. You're so beautiful.Copy !req
591. The way you're looking at me –
I mean, at him – at us.Copy !req
592. I've never been looked at
like this by a woman before.Copy !req
593. I think I'm sweating.Copy !req
594. I must say,
I was rather intrigued by your voice.Copy !req
595. And the funny thing is, Mr. Malkovich...Copy !req
596. my voice is probably
the least intriguing thing about me.Copy !req
597. So, I mean – So, how was it?
What was he doing?Copy !req
598. He wasn't doing anything really. He was
just sort of hanging around his apartment.Copy !req
599. You know, I think he's probably
just a really, uh, lonely guy.Copy !req
600. You see, men can feel
unfulfilled too, Lotte.Copy !req
601. I'm glad you're coming to realize that.Copy !req
602. You shouldn't be so quick to assume
that switching bodies...Copy !req
603. is gonna be the answer to your problems.Copy !req
604. Okay?Copy !req
605. You're right, Craig. You're right.Copy !req
606. You know what I was thinking?
I was thinking that maybe we could, um –Copy !req
607. we should invite Maxine
over for dinner one night...Copy !req
608. because you guys are partners and I thought
that might be a really nice gesture.Copy !req
609. - I think she'd really like that. You know?
- Maxine?Copy !req
610. - What?
- Uh –Copy !req
611. The thing is, is that there's been
some tension between us at work –Copy !req
612. you know, business stuff –
and I would hate to expose you to that.Copy !req
613. It'll be okay.Copy !req
614. Look, I'll – I'll cook my lasagna,
we'll smoke a joint...Copy !req
615. and, you know...Copy !req
616. tensions will just melt away.Copy !req
617. Now, when you say that I can be somebody else,
what do you mean exactly?Copy !req
618. Well, we mean exactly that.Copy !req
619. We can put you inside
someone else's body for 15 minutes.Copy !req
620. Can I be anybody that I want to be?Copy !req
621. Well, you –Copy !req
622. - Actually –
- You can be John Malkovich.Copy !req
623. That's perfect! It's my second choice,
but it's wonderful.Copy !req
624. It's –Copy !req
625. I'm a fat man.Copy !req
626. - I am sad and I'm fat –
- Two hundred dollars.Copy !req
627. Oh. Oh, uh, yes.Copy !req
628. There.Copy !req
629. - Okay.Copy !req
630. You gotta crawl in there.Copy !req
631. Oh, my God.Copy !req
632. Oh.Copy !req
633. No, that's what I'm saying.
See, I don't really need an extra bath mat.Copy !req
634. So if I get the set,
could I – would it be possible...Copy !req
635. if I could just get maybe three...Copy !req
636. extra hand towels –Copy !req
637. uh, if I get the set –
instead of the bath mat?Copy !req
638. Yes, sir. Sure, we can do that.Copy !req
639. Great. Right. That sounds good.Copy !req
640. And for the color, uh, periwinkle?Copy !req
641. Oh, I'm sorry.
We're out of stock in periwinkle.Copy !req
642. Do you want to back order?Copy !req
643. No. I'll – I'll... go with the loden.Copy !req
644. Would you like to order anything else?Copy !req
645. No, just –Copy !req
646. What is the difference between
the foot-pampering looped cotton rug...Copy !req
647. and, uh – and a bath mat?Copy !req
648. You're my friends. Thank you.Copy !req
649. Did you know that Eskimos have not one...Copy !req
650. but...Copy !req
651. 49 words for snow?Copy !req
652. - Mmm.
- It's because they have so much of it.Copy !req
653. So much snow.Copy !req
654. After dinner, I'll show you my puppets.Copy !req
655. Ah.Copy !req
656. After dinner, I'll introduce you
to my chimp Elijah.Copy !req
657. He has an ulcer right now
due to suppressed childhood trauma...Copy !req
658. - but we're working through it.Copy !req
659. Psychotherapy.Copy !req
660. Oh.Copy !req
661. - This the bedroom?
- Yeah.Copy !req
662. The thing is, the way that I see it...Copy !req
663. and, you know –
is... I think the world is divided...Copy !req
664. into those who go after what they want
and then those who don't, right?Copy !req
665. - Right.
- The passionate ones –Copy !req
666. the ones who go after what they want –Copy !req
667. well, they may not get what they want.Copy !req
668. But – But...Copy !req
669. at least they remain vital, you know?Copy !req
670. - Yeah.
- Yeah.Copy !req
671. So when they lie on their death beds...Copy !req
672. they have, um, few regrets.Copy !req
673. Right?Copy !req
674. And the ones who don't go
after what they want...Copy !req
675. well, who gives a shit
about them anyway?Copy !req
676. - God!
- Lotte!Copy !req
677. - Craig!
- Oh!Copy !req
678. I just – I don't find you attractive, hmm?Copy !req
679. And, Lotte, I'm smitten with you.Copy !req
680. I am, but only when you're in Malkovich.Copy !req
681. When I looked into his eyes last night,
I could feel you peering out.Copy !req
682. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
683. Behind the stubble and the too prominent
brow and the male-pattern baldness...Copy !req
684. I sensed your feminine longing.Copy !req
685. - And it just slew me.Copy !req
686. Oh, my God!Copy !req
687. Oh!Copy !req
688. Only as John, sweetie. Sorry.Copy !req
689. Hey, thanks for a wonderful dinner.Copy !req
690. No hard feelings, partner?Copy !req
691. - J.M. lnc.Copy !req
692. Hi. It's Lotte.Copy !req
693. I'd like very much to see you again.Copy !req
694. Can you call him and invite yourself over?Copy !req
695. Um... when?Copy !req
696. Mmm . . .Copy !req
697. tonight, after you close?Copy !req
698. Okay, uh, 4: 1 1.Copy !req
699. 4: 1 1?Copy !req
700. - Thank you, Maxine.
- You're welcome.Copy !req
701. Thanks so much
for having me over, sugarplum.Copy !req
702. - I'm glad you called.Copy !req
703. Shall we to the boudoir?Copy !req
704. A couple of minutes. I'm early.Copy !req
705. So do – do you enjoy being... an actor?Copy !req
706. Sure. Yeah. It's – It's very rewarding.Copy !req
707. Hi.Copy !req
708. Oh.Copy !req
709. Oh, my sweet Maxine.Copy !req
710. - My darling.
- I love you, Lotte.Copy !req
711. Did you call me Lotte?Copy !req
712. Do you mind?Copy !req
713. - No, not really.
- Mm.Copy !req
714. - Oh!
- Oh, God.Copy !req
715. - My sweet, beautiful Lotte.
- Oh!Copy !req
716. Oh, Maxine!Copy !req
717. Yes, Maxine. Yes.Copy !req
718. Maxine, this is – this is so right.Copy !req
719. - Oh! Oh, God.Copy !req
720. Yes!Copy !req
721. - Wow!Copy !req
722. - Yes!Copy !req
723. You were him, weren't you?Copy !req
724. Yeah.Copy !req
725. And he was with her!Copy !req
726. - We love her, Craig.
- "We"?Copy !req
727. - John and me.
- Don't forget about me!Copy !req
728. Well, you have the Maxine
action figure to play with!Copy !req
729. I'm sorry. That was nasty.Copy !req
730. You are late, my little cowboy.Copy !req
731. Are you torturing me on purpose?Copy !req
732. I've fallen in love.Copy !req
733. I don't think so.Copy !req
734. You know why?
Because I've fallen in love!Copy !req
735. And this is what people
who have fallen in love look like.Copy !req
736. Well, you picked the unrequited variety.Copy !req
737. It's very bad for the skin.Copy !req
738. You're evil, Maxine.Copy !req
739. Do you have any idea what it's like
to have two people look at you...Copy !req
740. with total lust and devotion...Copy !req
741. through the same pair of eyes?Copy !req
742. Wow.Copy !req
743. No, I don't suppose you would.Copy !req
744. It's quite a thrill, Craigy.Copy !req
745. - Aaah! What are you doing?Copy !req
746. Oh, my God! Is that real? What is that?Copy !req
747. Yes! I don't know how to use it very well,
so don't make any sudden moves!Copy !req
748. I'm serious! I'm serious.Copy !req
749. Suck my dick!Copy !req
750. Shut up, okay? Just shut up.Copy !req
751. - Craig!
- Tell her you need to see her.Copy !req
752. - J.M. lnc.Copy !req
753. Be all that someone else can be.Copy !req
754. I need to see you.Copy !req
755. Sweetie!Copy !req
756. Oh, I had so much fun
with you last night.Copy !req
757. Shoot. But it's business hours.Copy !req
758. Tell her what the hell,
close early, live dangerously.Copy !req
759. Say it.Copy !req
760. What the hell, you know?Copy !req
761. Live dangerously. Close early.Copy !req
762. Ooh, doll.Copy !req
763. I love this new
devil-may-care side of you.Copy !req
764. All righty. I'll track down lover boy
and see both of you in one hour.Copy !req
765. Exactamundo.Copy !req
766. Craig!Copy !req
767. What's the matter with you? Stop it!Copy !req
768. Sit up, okay? Just sit up. Just sit up.Copy !req
769. Help! He's locking me in a cage!Copy !req
770. - Shut up!Copy !req
771. Shut up!Copy !req
772. Was ever woman in this humor wooed?Copy !req
773. Was ever woman in this humor won?Copy !req
774. Tommy, can I take 15?Copy !req
775. Good night, everybody.
See you back here at 9:00 p.m. Tomorrow.Copy !req
776. - Oh!Copy !req
777. Oh, Lotte. Lotte, this is so good!Copy !req
778. My God! This is amazing.Copy !req
779. - Lotte!
- I want to touch her breast. Touch her breast.Copy !req
780. Move right hand across left breast now.Copy !req
781. - Lotte!
- Move right hand across left breast now!Copy !req
782. Move right hand across left breast now.Copy !req
783. - Holy shit, yes!
- Holy shit, yes!Copy !req
784. - Holy shit, he said what I said!
- Shit, he said what I said!Copy !req
785. - Lotte? Is that you?
- Yes, yes, sweetheart.Copy !req
786. Yes, sweetheart, yes.Copy !req
787. What the fuck is going on?
That's not me! I didn't say that.Copy !req
788. - Oh, Lotte.
- Oh, Maxine. Oh –Copy !req
789. Something was making me talk.Copy !req
790. Some goddamn thing was making me move.Copy !req
791. - I've gotta get out of here.
- Oh, doll face!Copy !req
792. It was just, uh,
your passion for me taking hold.Copy !req
793. No, doll face. I know what
my passion taking hold feels like.Copy !req
794. Bye!Copy !req
795. I did it!Copy !req
796. I made him move his arms
across your girlfriend's glorious tit!Copy !req
797. Oh, and...Copy !req
798. I made him talk sort of.Copy !req
799. It's just a matter of practice
before Malkovich...Copy !req
800. is nothing more than another puppet
hanging next to my work table.Copy !req
801. I'll tell you about it
when I get home, okay? All right?Copy !req
802. Craig! Craig! I wanna –Copy !req
803. No, man, I'm sorry to –Copy !req
804. I'm sorry to have called you like that,
but I was just really, really scared.Copy !req
805. I was so freaked out.Copy !req
806. I mean, it was like...Copy !req
807. somebody was just moving
all the way through me...Copy !req
808. moving my arms, moving my hands,
talking for me.Copy !req
809. I mean, literally,
I feel like I'm going crazy, Charlie.Copy !req
810. - I'm sure you're not going crazy.
- You don't understand, man.Copy !req
811. - It was like nothing I've ever felt before.
- Yeah, yeah. Yada yada yada.Copy !req
812. - Were you stoned?
- Yes. Yes, I was –Copy !req
813. Jesus.Copy !req
814. Yes! Yes, I was stoned.Copy !req
815. But what – That doesn't have
anything to do with it.Copy !req
816. Charlie, someone was talking
through my mouth.Copy !req
817. You were stoned.
Case closed. End of story.Copy !req
818. - How hot is this babe?
- You know what?Copy !req
819. Maybe it was this Lotte woman talking...Copy !req
820. because it could have been her
talking through me.Copy !req
821. Because this – the weird thing is...Copy !req
822. this Maxine likes to call me Lotte.Copy !req
823. Ouch. That is hot.Copy !req
824. Maybe she's using you
to channel some dead, lesbian lover.Copy !req
825. Sounds like my kind of gal. Let me know
when you're done with her, yeah?Copy !req
826. What are you talking about? Done with her,
man? Tonight really freaked me out.Copy !req
827. You're nuts to let a girl go that calls you Lotte.
I'll tell you that as a friend.Copy !req
828. Charlie, I don't know
anything about the girl.Copy !req
829. Man, she could be, like,
a fucking witch or something.Copy !req
830. That's even better!Copy !req
831. Hot, lesbian witches.
Think about it. It's fucking genius.Copy !req
832. I gotta know the truth, Charlie.Copy !req
833. The truth is for suckers, Johnny boy.Copy !req
834. Thanks, hon.Copy !req
835. This way.Copy !req
836. Excuse me, sir.
Exactly what, uh, type of service...Copy !req
837. does this company provide?Copy !req
838. You get to be John Malkovich
for 15 minutes.Copy !req
839. Two hundred clams.Copy !req
840. I see.Copy !req
841. - No cutting, by the way. No cutting!
- Hey, what the hell?Copy !req
842. Ah! Ow!Copy !req
843. Come on! Break it up!
Break it up! Cut it out!Copy !req
844. - Everybody gets –
- It's him. It's John Malkovich.Copy !req
845. I'm sorry, Mr. Malkovich.
I hope we didn't hurt you too terribly.Copy !req
846. Get inside!Copy !req
847. - Darling!
- What the fuck is going on?Copy !req
848. - Uh, uh, John Malkovich.
- Huh?Copy !req
849. John. Mr. Malkovich, sir. Uh, um –Copy !req
850. - Mr. Malkovich, I think I can explain.
- Yeah, explain.Copy !req
851. My name is Craig Schwartz...Copy !req
852. and we operate a little business here...Copy !req
853. that simulates, for our clientele,
well, the –Copy !req
854. the experience of –Copy !req
855. of – of being you, actually.Copy !req
856. - Simulate?
- Yeah, after a fashion.Copy !req
857. - What exactly does that mean?
- Well, it's hard to describe.Copy !req
858. I want to do it then.Copy !req
859. I'm sure that would pale in comparison
to the actual experience.Copy !req
860. - I want to do it!
- Right now Mr. Hiroshi's in the tube –Copy !req
861. Let him do it, Craig.Copy !req
862. Of course. Right this way, Mr. Malkovich,
compliments of the house.Copy !req
863. Jesus.Copy !req
864. What happens when a man
goes through his own portal?Copy !req
865. We'll see.Copy !req
866. Malkovich.Copy !req
867. Malkovich, Malkovich.Copy !req
868. Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich?Copy !req
869. Malkovich, Malkovich.Copy !req
870. Malkovich?Copy !req
871. - Malkovich!
- Malkovich.Copy !req
872. Malkovich.Copy !req
873. Malkovich.
Malkovich.Copy !req
874. - Malkovich!
- Malkovich.Copy !req
875. - How was it?
- It was amazing this time.Copy !req
876. - That was no simulation!
- I know. I'm sorry.Copy !req
877. Mr. Malkovich, it's such an honor.Copy !req
878. I have been to the dark side.Copy !req
879. I have seen a world that no man should see!Copy !req
880. Really? For most people,
it's a rather pleasant experience.Copy !req
881. That portal is mine,
and it must be sealed forever...Copy !req
882. for the love of God.Copy !req
883. But, Mr. Malkovich, sir,
with all due respect...Copy !req
884. I discovered that portal.Copy !req
885. I mean, it's my livelihood.
Do you understand?Copy !req
886. It's my head, Schwartz!Copy !req
887. It's my head!Copy !req
888. I will see you in court!Copy !req
889. What makes you think I won't be seeing
what you're seeing...Copy !req
890. in court?Copy !req
891. Hey, Malkovich, think fast!Copy !req
892. Fuck!Copy !req
893. Dinner.Copy !req
894. You know, Craig,
once this was a relationship...Copy !req
895. built on love.Copy !req
896. Well, you gave up that claim...Copy !req
897. after the first time
you stuck your dick in Maxine, Lotte.Copy !req
898. You fell in love with her first, Craig.Copy !req
899. Yeah, but I didn't do anything about it,
out of respect for our marriage.Copy !req
900. You didn't do anything about it, Craig...Copy !req
901. out of respect for the fact that she wouldn't
let you near her with a 10-foot pole!Copy !req
902. That's true.Copy !req
903. God, Lotte, what have I become?Copy !req
904. My wife in a cage with a monkey.Copy !req
905. Craig.Copy !req
906. I need to go to the bathroom
and take a shower.Copy !req
907. What am l, some kind of monster?Copy !req
908. I don't want to be a monster, Lotte.
I don't want to.Copy !req
909. Craig, you're not a monster.
Tsk. No.Copy !req
910. I know you're not a monster, honey.Copy !req
911. You're just – You're just...Copy !req
912. a very, very confused man.Copy !req
913. I love you so much.Copy !req
914. I love you.Copy !req
915. - Come on, Craig.Copy !req
916. - J.M. lnc.
- Maxine?Copy !req
917. Lotte.Copy !req
918. I've been thinking about us, you know?
And, uh –Copy !req
919. - We have to meet.
- Um, okay.Copy !req
920. I'll see you in Malkovich in one hour.Copy !req
921. Craig!Copy !req
922. I hate you.Copy !req
923. Oh, Elijah!Copy !req
924. You really are magnificent.Copy !req
925. - J.M. lnc.
- Maxine!Copy !req
926. Honey pie! I was just heading out
the door to meet you.Copy !req
927. No, listen, Maxine. It hasn't been me
in Malkovich the last time.Copy !req
928. It's been that son of a bitch Craig.Copy !req
929. He's had me locked in the cage
with my chimp, holding a gun to my head.Copy !req
930. - Oh, my God!
- He made me call you.Copy !req
931. I'm sorry, Maxine.
It's been him the whole time.Copy !req
932. I'm so sorry. That's horrible.Copy !req
933. I miss you so much, Maxine.Copy !req
934. So – But –Copy !req
935. - Okay, that was Craig inside of Malkovich?
- Yes, it was him.Copy !req
936. It's because he's a puppeteer, I think.Copy !req
937. Well, boy, I'm – Uh –Copy !req
938. I'm surprised.
That's pretty impressive.Copy !req
939. What?Copy !req
940. So if Craig can control Malkovich,
and I can control Craig –Copy !req
941. But, Maxine,
I thought it was me that you loved!Copy !req
942. I do.Copy !req
943. It's confusing, you know?
This is a very confusing situation.Copy !req
944. I know.Copy !req
945. - Listen, I should really get going, okay?Copy !req
946. - 'Cause I'm gonna be late for Malkovich now.
- No.Copy !req
947. - What?
- We'll talk about this later, Lotte.Copy !req
948. - Maxine! Wait! Maxine!
- Okay?Copy !req
949. What the fuck do you want?Copy !req
950. I can explain about the portal, darling.Copy !req
951. Listen, don't con me, Maxine.Copy !req
952. I don't know who the hell you people are,
but this insanity is now over.Copy !req
953. Oh, shut up.Copy !req
954. Craigy. Craig.Copy !req
955. Schwartzy, are you in there?Copy !req
956. How did you know it was me?Copy !req
957. Lotte called me.
She escaped your evil clutches.Copy !req
958. Really? Well, listen, I'm really sorry
I did that, Maxine...Copy !req
959. but I'm really in love with you,
and I just didn't know how else to be with you.Copy !req
960. Hmm.Copy !req
961. So, apparently you can control
this Malkovich fellow now, huh?Copy !req
962. Yes, I'm getting better all the time.Copy !req
963. I'll say you are.Copy !req
964. Hey, let's do it on his dining room table.Copy !req
965. - Then we'll make him eat an omelet off of it.
- No!Copy !req
966. - Shut up, you overrated sack of shit!Copy !req
967. Craigy.Copy !req
968. Yes?Copy !req
969. Hi, Dr. Lester.Copy !req
970. It's Lotte Schwartz, Craig's wife.Copy !req
971. Oh! Yes.Copy !req
972. Oh, my God.
You'll catch your death out here.Copy !req
973. Look at you. You're soaking wet.
Please come in, come in.Copy !req
974. Here you are, my dear.Copy !req
975. - Thank you.
- Yes.Copy !req
976. How's that?Copy !req
977. Much better, thank you.Copy !req
978. So, my dear...Copy !req
979. what is it that brings you to my doorway
on such an inhospitable evening?Copy !req
980. Well, Dr. Lester...Copy !req
981. see, l, uh –Copy !req
982. I have a very unhealthy obsession
with John Malkovich.Copy !req
983. I see.Copy !req
984. You mean, the performer.Copy !req
985. Yes.Copy !req
986. And what prompted you
to come to me with this issue?Copy !req
987. Well, when I was here
with my husband for dinner...Copy !req
988. I came upon a room that seemed to be
some sort of John Malkovich museum.Copy !req
989. So I thought perhaps
maybe you would...Copy !req
990. have some appreciation
for my state of mind.Copy !req
991. You look so lovely, my dear...Copy !req
992. standing here before the fire
in my oversized man's robe.Copy !req
993. Thank you, Dr. Lester.Copy !req
994. Tell me...Copy !req
995. what is this strange power
that Malkovich exudes?Copy !req
996. You've gotta help me understand because
all I think about is wanting to be him.Copy !req
997. - Wanting to what?
- Wanting to be him.Copy !req
998. Wanting to be John Malkovich.Copy !req
999. Oh, I see.Copy !req
1000. Well, perhaps you can.Copy !req
1001. But, Dr. Lester –Copy !req
1002. I am not Dr. Lester.Copy !req
1003. I am Captain Mertin.Copy !req
1004. I don't understand.Copy !req
1005. It was 90 years ago
that I discovered a strange portal.Copy !req
1006. And – And I found that this portal
led to a vessel body...Copy !req
1007. and that I could live forever
by leaping from vessel to vessel.Copy !req
1008. - So Dr. Lester is such a vessel?
- Yes, he is.Copy !req
1009. You still there, sweets?Copy !req
1010. Hmm.Copy !req
1011. I figured out how to hang on
as long as I want.Copy !req
1012. It's all a matter of making friends
with the Malkovich body.Copy !req
1013. Rather than thinking of it as an enemy
that has to be pounded into submission...Copy !req
1014. I've begun imagining it
as a really expensive suit...Copy !req
1015. that I enjoy wearing.Copy !req
1016. Ahh.Copy !req
1017. Ah, this illustrates...Copy !req
1018. how I will move into
my next vessel, Malkovich...Copy !req
1019. on his 44th birthday.Copy !req
1020. That's when he becomes ripe.Copy !req
1021. But I must enter by midnight on that day.Copy !req
1022. After that, I'd get diverted into
the next newly forming infant vessel.Copy !req
1023. I don't want that to happen.Copy !req
1024. I'd be absorbed.Copy !req
1025. Absorbed? What does that mean?Copy !req
1026. Well, uh, trapped, held prisoner,
if you like, in the host's brain...Copy !req
1027. unable to control anything...Copy !req
1028. forever doomed to watch the world
through someone else's eyes.Copy !req
1029. Now I'd like you to meet some friends.Copy !req
1030. See, I got lonely in Lester by myself...Copy !req
1031. so I figured out a way this time
to take others along with me.Copy !req
1032. Come.Copy !req
1033. Everyone, this is Lotte.Copy !req
1034. - Hi, Lotte!
- Hi!Copy !req
1035. She's a new friend of mine.Copy !req
1036. Do a puppet show for me, Craig, honey.Copy !req
1037. You mean, with Malkovich?Copy !req
1038. - I'd love to see your work.
- Really?Copy !req
1039. - Uh-huh.
- Yeah?Copy !req
1040. Okay.Copy !req
1041. Let's see.Copy !req
1042. This is something that I call...Copy !req
1043. "Craig's Dance of Despair
and Disillusionment."Copy !req
1044. That was incredible!
You're – You're brilliant!Copy !req
1045. You see, Maxine,
it isn't just playing with dolls.Copy !req
1046. Oh, my darling, it's so much more!Copy !req
1047. It's playing with people.Copy !req
1048. Stay in him forever.Copy !req
1049. My darling,
how will we make a living...Copy !req
1050. if our clientele doesn't have access
to our product?Copy !req
1051. Well, we'll have all the money
in Malkovich's bank account...Copy !req
1052. plus he does get
acting work occasionally.Copy !req
1053. No, please!Copy !req
1054. - Shut up! We're trying to think here.
- Gee!Copy !req
1055. It is –
It is sort of like puppeteering.Copy !req
1056. - l-l-l like that about it.
- Exactly!Copy !req
1057. And no one would ever even
have to know it's not him.Copy !req
1058. And I could use
Malkovich's existing notoriety...Copy !req
1059. to launch my own puppeteering career.Copy !req
1060. Oh, Craigy. Craigy, that's brilliant.Copy !req
1061. Oh. Oh.Copy !req
1062. So lovely. I've always wondered
what it would be like to have a penis.Copy !req
1063. - Now I'll know.
- Really? I know it's very –Copy !req
1064. Lotte?Copy !req
1065. We like you.Copy !req
1066. We can see
you're a kind and decent woman...Copy !req
1067. and so...Copy !req
1068. we've decided to offer you
a place in John Malkovich with us...Copy !req
1069. if you like.Copy !req
1070. Dr. Lester...Copy !req
1071. you've been so kind to me...Copy !req
1072. and trusting.Copy !req
1073. And...Copy !req
1074. there's just something I think you
should know about the Malkovich vessel.Copy !req
1075. John's here to see you. Should I send him in?Copy !req
1076. Of course send him right in. Don't ever
keep him waiting again, you understand?Copy !req
1077. Hey, John.Copy !req
1078. Great to see you.
Sorry about the cunt at reception.Copy !req
1079. - This is my fiancée, Maxine.
- Oh, great to see you, Maxine.Copy !req
1080. Sorry about the cunt at reception.
Please, have a seat.Copy !req
1081. Hmm. Can I get you anything?
Coffee? Water?Copy !req
1082. No, thank you.Copy !req
1083. - Teresa, get me chicken soup.
- Okay.Copy !req
1084. Chicken soup? Chicken soup?Copy !req
1085. Larry?Copy !req
1086. Uh, I – I want to get
right to the point.Copy !req
1087. From now on, I'm no longer an actor.
I'm a puppeteer.Copy !req
1088. Okay. Great.Copy !req
1089. And I would like to redirect my career...Copy !req
1090. so that from now on
the name John Malkovich...Copy !req
1091. will be synonymous with puppets.Copy !req
1092. Sure. Sure. No problemo.Copy !req
1093. Poof, you're a puppeteer.
Uh, just let me make a couple calls.Copy !req
1094. Honey?Copy !req
1095. Maxine? Maxine?Copy !req
1096. I'm busy.Copy !req
1097. Maxine, honey, it's on!Copy !req
1098. Yeah, there's the truth,
and there are lies . . .Copy !req
1099. and, uh, art always tells the truth,
even when it's lying.Copy !req
1100. The enigmatic John Malkovich...Copy !req
1101. one of the world's greatest entertainers . . .Copy !req
1102. and the man who reinvented
how we view puppeteering.Copy !req
1103. Tonight we look at the man
above the strings...Copy !req
1104. and the woman behind the man.Copy !req
1105. Raised in Evanston, Illinois...Copy !req
1106. Malkovich had a lifelong interest
in theater arts . . .Copy !req
1107. and as a young man was
one of the founding members . . .Copy !req
1108. of Chicago's world-renowned
Steppenwolf Theatre Company.Copy !req
1109. From there, it was a simple hop, skip
and a jump to Broadway accolades...Copy !req
1110. and Hollywood stardom.Copy !req
1111. But nothing could prepare the public
for what was to come next.Copy !req
1112. And so it was that
just eight short months ago...Copy !req
1113. John Malkovich dropped the bombshell
that sent shock waves . . .Copy !req
1114. through the entertainment community.Copy !req
1115. Turning his back on his former profession,
Malkovich had to start from scratch . . .Copy !req
1116. and pay his dues all over again
as a fledgling puppeteer.Copy !req
1117. Hello, ladies
and gentlemen. I'm John Malkovich.Copy !req
1118. It's – It's the – I miss –Copy !req
1119. I'm really John Malkovich.Copy !req
1120. From these inauspicious beginnings...Copy !req
1121. John Malkovich's rise to stardom
was fast and furious.Copy !req
1122. His breakout performance occurred
at this year's Emmy Awards –Copy !req
1123. - It's really good! I look really amazing.Copy !req
1124. I'd fuck me.Copy !req
1125. If there's anything that upsets me about it . . .Copy !req
1126. it's feeling like if I move into it too quickly . . .Copy !req
1127. I'll be, you know, deemed an imitator.Copy !req
1128. But, um, I think that once
we all get the courage...Copy !req
1129. to just follow through on our instincts,
like Malkovich has . . .Copy !req
1130. I think that, uh, a lot of us
will move into puppetry.Copy !req
1131. Malkovich's rise to fame brought
about a renaissance in the art of puppeteering.Copy !req
1132. No, no, no. What are you doing?
What are you doing?Copy !req
1133. I'm making him weep, John.Copy !req
1134. You're making him weep,
but you, yourself, are not weeping.Copy !req
1135. Don't ever –
with your audience.Copy !req
1136. Until the – the puppet becomes . . .Copy !req
1137. an extension of you, it's a novelty act.Copy !req
1138. It's, uh – It's Topo Gigio.Copy !req
1139. No?Copy !req
1140. Come on.Copy !req
1141. He's a technical genius.Copy !req
1142. He breathes life into inanimate objects.Copy !req
1143. It's a very godlike thing, you know...Copy !req
1144. to be able to take something
and, you know, make it live.Copy !req
1145. He was the talk of the town . . .Copy !req
1146. from the Beltway to Broadway . . .Copy !req
1147. aided in no small part by
his new wife and manager, Maxine Lund.Copy !req
1148. In Maxine,
Malkovich had found his mentor . . .Copy !req
1149. his muse, his inspiration.Copy !req
1150. In Malkovich,
Maxine had found the love of her life.Copy !req
1151. - There, there, my dear. Relax.Copy !req
1152. This travesty will all be over with
by morning.Copy !req
1153. And the crowds
have been absolutely sensational...Copy !req
1154. and, um, I'd just like to thank God
for giving us this opportunity . . .Copy !req
1155. to share our creative vision.Copy !req
1156. Nothing was impossible
for John and Maxine in the early days.Copy !req
1157. Their union was a joyous one,
and together they worked tirelessly...Copy !req
1158. to further Malkovich's puppeteering career.Copy !req
1159. John Malkovich, the artist...Copy !req
1160. and Maxine, the entrepreneur –Copy !req
1161. they make this character...Copy !req
1162. this protean figure
that we call John Malkovich.Copy !req
1163. But some say Maxine
has changed since becoming pregnant...Copy !req
1164. recoiling from the limelight . . .Copy !req
1165. and, rumor has it,
from her husband's affections.Copy !req
1166. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
1167. Malkovich shows us . . .Copy !req
1168. a reflection of ourselves, our frailties . . .Copy !req
1169. and our, you know, desperate humanity.Copy !req
1170. That's what makes him one of
the most relevant artists of our time.Copy !req
1171. And what does the future
hold for John Horatio Malkovich?Copy !req
1172. Well, to quote the Bard,
"He's got the world on a string."Copy !req
1173. As the poet said, "The puppeteer's voice
need not merely be the record of man.Copy !req
1174. It can be one of the pillars, the props . . .Copy !req
1175. to help him endure and prevail" . . .Copy !req
1176. and I believe that.Copy !req
1177. It's over!Copy !req
1178. Max?Copy !req
1179. I've gotta head down to A.B.T. now.Copy !req
1180. I've got the Swan Lake benefit tonight, okay?Copy !req
1181. But when I come back,
we can maybe celebrate...Copy !req
1182. Malkovich's big four-four.Copy !req
1183. Okay? Jesus!Copy !req
1184. Why couldn't I have found
the portal to a younger body?Copy !req
1185. What if I –
What if I fall tonight and break my hip?Copy !req
1186. Like that, little girl?Copy !req
1187. Huh, lamb?Copy !req
1188. I love you.Copy !req
1189. Bravo!Copy !req
1190. Maxine?Copy !req
1191. Ma –Copy !req
1192. Hello? Hello?Copy !req
1193. - We have Maxine.
- Oh! My God.Copy !req
1194. Please, please, don't hurt her.Copy !req
1195. Listen, I'll – I'll give you
anything you want. Please.Copy !req
1196. No, you listen to me, asshole.
I don't want your fucking money.Copy !req
1197. What I want is for you
to leave John Malkovich now!Copy !req
1198. - Who – Who is this? Lester?
- Does it matter?Copy !req
1199. We're gonna kill Maxine
if you don't leave the body immediately!Copy !req
1200. But l-l-l can't do that.Copy !req
1201. I mean, if-if I leave Malkovich,
then I'm Craig Schwartz again.Copy !req
1202. No career, no money.
Maxine will have nothing to do –Copy !req
1203. She barely has anything
to do with me now.Copy !req
1204. Jesus, we're gonna kill your wife,
you fucking lunatic!Copy !req
1205. God.Copy !req
1206. Listen, Schwartz,
Malkovich is our vessel. We're old.Copy !req
1207. We're gonna die
if we don't get into him by midni –Copy !req
1208. - He called our bluff.Copy !req
1209. Shit!Copy !req
1210. Can't we just go inside the portal
and push Craig out?Copy !req
1211. No, he's much too powerful.Copy !req
1212. Schwartz would just jam us down
into Malkovich's subconscious.Copy !req
1213. Lotte.Copy !req
1214. If I can't have you, no one will.Copy !req
1215. - Lotte, no!Copy !req
1216. No, Lotte!
God, no, we can't really kill her!Copy !req
1217. She's carrying Malkovich's seed!
Our next vessel!Copy !req
1218. Hey! Help me!Copy !req
1219. Help me!Copy !req
1220. - Where the fuck am l?
- We're in Malkovich's subconscious.Copy !req
1221. The last thing you'll ever see, Maxine.Copy !req
1222. Fag-o-vitch!Copy !req
1223. Johnny, baby, Johnny.Copy !req
1224. Bad. I am bad. I am bad.Copy !req
1225. - I am bad. I am bad. I am bad. I am bad.Copy !req
1226. I am bad. I am bad. I am bad.Copy !req
1227. - I am bad. I am bad.Copy !req
1228. I am bad. I am bad. I am bad.Copy !req
1229. Maxine, I am gonna kill you!Copy !req
1230. You're creepy.Copy !req
1231. Little Johnny Malk-o-pee!Copy !req
1232. Wet his pants so all could see!Copy !req
1233. Little Johnny Malk-o-pee!Copy !req
1234. Wet his pants so all could see!Copy !req
1235. - I loved you so much!Copy !req
1236. Oh! Why did you have
to hurt me like that?Copy !req
1237. I'm sorry, Lotte.Copy !req
1238. I guess I loved you, too, in my way.Copy !req
1239. You are so full of shit, Maxine!Copy !req
1240. I know.Copy !req
1241. I know!Copy !req
1242. It's your baby, okay?Copy !req
1243. What?Copy !req
1244. The baby – it's yours.Copy !req
1245. It's ours. I got pregnant
when you were in Malkovich.Copy !req
1246. - You cannot fuck with me anymore, Maxine!
- I'm not!Copy !req
1247. I kept it because I knew
you were the father –Copy !req
1248. the other mother – whatever –Copy !req
1249. because I – because it was yours.Copy !req
1250. So we're parents?Copy !req
1251. Together?Copy !req
1252. Yeah.Copy !req
1253. Say, uh, aren't you John Malkovich?Copy !req
1254. - No.
- Yeah, you are.Copy !req
1255. No.Copy !req
1256. I can't fuckin' believe
you're in this shithole, man.Copy !req
1257. This is Mal – This is John –
You guys know this is John Malkovich?Copy !req
1258. - I'm not John Malkovich.
- This is John Malkovich.Copy !req
1259. Listen! I am not John Malkovich!Copy !req
1260. Cut it out, you guys.Copy !req
1261. - Yes?Copy !req
1262. Lester, please don't do it.
Please don't kill Maxine.Copy !req
1263. - So you'll leave?
- Yes, I said – l, uh – I am leaving.Copy !req
1264. All right. Do it now while
I'm on the phone so I can hear...Copy !req
1265. and your lovely bride walks.Copy !req
1266. Uh – Okay. Okay.Copy !req
1267. I'm going.Copy !req
1268. Now, my friends. The time is now.Copy !req
1269. I'm free.Copy !req
1270. I'm back! I'm –Copy !req
1271. Aaah!Copy !req
1272. Lotte.Copy !req
1273. Ooh!Copy !req
1274. Eh –Copy !req
1275. Hello. Hello, young lady.Copy !req
1276. We're... Malk –Copy !req
1277. We're Malkovich.Copy !req
1278. - Hey! Hey!Copy !req
1279. Maxine! I did it, Maxine!Copy !req
1280. I left Malkovich for you, sweetie!Copy !req
1281. It's no good being Malkovich without you.Copy !req
1282. - It proves I love you!
- Fuck off, Craig!Copy !req
1283. - Doesn't it?
- He's not with us.Copy !req
1284. Maxine, I love you!Copy !req
1285. I'm gonna go right back into Malkovich,
and I'm gonna kick Lester out!Copy !req
1286. And then you'll love me again! Maxine!Copy !req
1287. Maxine!Copy !req
1288. - Ma-Sheen.
- Hey. Malcatraz.Copy !req
1289. - Uh, how are you?
- I'm very well. And you?Copy !req
1290. - Good, good.
- You look well.Copy !req
1291. - Thank you.
- How's Celeste?Copy !req
1292. She's good, yeah.
She's sorry she couldn't make it today.Copy !req
1293. - She had to go to the store.
- Oh, that's okay.Copy !req
1294. Charlie, hi! I didn't even hear the door.Copy !req
1295. Lookin' great, Flo.Copy !req
1296. I'm looking grateful?Copy !req
1297. Charlie, we are not getting any younger.Copy !req
1298. Well, don't rub it in.Copy !req
1299. Listen, Charlie,
I know it's going to sound crazy...Copy !req
1300. but what would you think
if I told you that I'd found a way...Copy !req
1301. for us to live forever?Copy !req
1302. All of us.Copy !req
1303. - Johnny boy, what are you talking about?
- All of us.Copy !req
1304. Celeste, Floris, you, me.
Gary Sinise maybe.Copy !req
1305. I don't really understand.Copy !req
1306. Charlie, this... is Emily.Copy !req
1307. Isn't she lovely?Copy !req
1308. - Hey, pass the Cheetos.
- You need more puffs?Copy !req
1309. No, I want more.Copy !req
1310. - Okeydoke. They're covered in grease.
- Shut up.Copy !req
1311. Can I swim yet?Copy !req
1312. Can you swim yet?Copy !req
1313. - What time is it?
- Shall we do the cramp test?Copy !req
1314. Check her.Copy !req
1315. - Don't.Copy !req
1316. Let me see.
Are you gonna throw up? Let me see!Copy !req
1317. Are you gonna throw up?
Are you gonna vomit, huh?Copy !req
1318. Okay, you can swim.Copy !req
1319. Maxine.Copy !req
1320. Maxine.Copy !req
1321. I love you, Maxine.Copy !req
1322. Oh, look away.Copy !req
1323. Look away.Copy !req
1324. Look away. Look away.Copy !req
1325. Look away.Copy !req