1. &&Copy !req
2. &&Copy !req
3. &&Copy !req
4. Craig, honey, it's time for bed.Copy !req
5. Craig, honey, time to get up.Copy !req
6. Craig, honey, time to get up.Copy !req
7. Craig, honey, time to get up.
Craig, honey, time to get up.Copy !req
8. - Lotte.
- I'm sorry. I didn't know
Orrin Hatch was out of his cage.Copy !req
9. - Come on. Morning, sweetheart.
- Morning.Copy !req
10. What are you gonna do today?Copy !req
11. - Working in the workshop.
- I was thinking.Copy !req
12. Maybe you'd feel better
if you got a job.Copy !req
13. We've been over this.Copy !req
14. Nobody's looking for a puppeteer
in today's wintry economic climate.Copy !req
15. I know, honey,
but I thought, you know...Copy !req
16. maybe something else
until this puppet thing turns around.Copy !req
17. Derek Mantini
doesn't need a day job.Copy !req
18. Not everybody can be
Derek Mantini.Copy !req
19. I gotta get to the shop. We have
a shipment of kitty litter coming in.Copy !req
20. Will you do me a favor?
Will you take a look at Elijah today?Copy !req
21. - He's not feeling very good again.
- Which one is Elijah again?Copy !req
22. - The chimp, honey.
- Yeah, okay.Copy !req
23. On the lighter side of
the news, in Westchester County today...Copy !req
24. puppeteer Derek Mantini
thrilled onlookers as he performed
The Belle of Amherst...Copy !req
25. with a 60-foot
Emily Dickinson puppet.Copy !req
26. How dreary to be somebody.Copy !req
27. How public, like a frog,
to tell one's name the live long day.Copy !req
28. Gimmicky bastard.Copy !req
29. You don't know lucky you are,
being a monkey.Copy !req
30. Because consciousness...Copy !req
31. is a terrible curse.Copy !req
32. I think, I feel...
I suffer.Copy !req
33. And all I ask in return
is the opportunity to do my work.Copy !req
34. And they won't allow it...Copy !req
35. because I raise issues.Copy !req
36. &&Copy !req
37. While we enijoy
the pleasures of an uneasy love...Copy !req
38. and abandon ourselves
to fornication...Copy !req
39. we were spared God's severity.Copy !req
40. Say no more, I beg you,
and cease from complaints like these...Copy !req
41. which are so far removed
from the true depths of love.Copy !req
42. Look, a puppet show!Copy !req
43. Okay, honey, just for a minute.
Mommy's waiting.Copy !req
44. Even during
the celebration of Mass...Copy !req
45. when our prayers should be pure...Copy !req
46. lewd visions of these pleasures
take such a hold...Copy !req
47. upon my unhappy soul...Copy !req
48. that my thoughts are
on their very wantonness...Copy !req
49. instead of my prayers.Copy !req
50. &&Copy !req
51. Sometimes my thoughts
are betrayed...Copy !req
52. by the movement of my body.Copy !req
53. I took my fill
of my wretched pleasures in you...Copy !req
54. and this was
the sum total of my love.Copy !req
55. &&Copy !req
56. You motherfucker!Copy !req
57. Oh, Craig!Copy !req
58. Honey, not again!Copy !req
59. Why do you do this
to yourself, honey?Copy !req
60. I'm a puppeteer.Copy !req
61. Seven and a half, right?Copy !req
62. - Uh, yeah.
- I'll take you through it.Copy !req
63. Seven and a half.Copy !req
64. Thank you.Copy !req
65. Welcome to Lestercorp.
How may we meet your filing needs?Copy !req
66. No. Um... my name's
Craig Schwartz.Copy !req
67. - I have an interview with Dr. Lester.
- Oh.Copy !req
68. - Please have a seat, Mr. Juarez.
- Schwartz.Copy !req
69. - Pardon?
- Schwartz.Copy !req
70. I-I'm sorry. I have no idea
what you're saying to me right now.Copy !req
71. - My name is Schwartz.
- My name is Warts?Copy !req
72. Mr. Juarez?Copy !req
73. Oh. Yes?Copy !req
74. - Chest?
- I said,"Yes?"Copy !req
75. You suggest what?
I'm sorry...Copy !req
76. I have no time for piddling suggestions
from mumbling job applicants.Copy !req
77. Besides, Dr. Lester
will see you now.Copy !req
78. Besides, Dr. Lester
will see you now.Copy !req
79. Come in, Mr. Juarez.Copy !req
80. - Actually, my name
is Craig Schwartz, Dr. Lester.
- Security!Copy !req
81. No, sir, it's— It's just
a little mix-up with your secretary.Copy !req
82. My name is Craig Schwartz.
I tried to explain that to her.Copy !req
83. She's not my secretary.Copy !req
84. - She's what they call
an executive liaison.
- Ah.Copy !req
85. And I am not banging her,
if that's what you're implying.Copy !req
86. No, sir, not at all.
I think I must have simply misspoke.Copy !req
87. Ah. Well, now,
tell me, Dr. Schwartz...Copy !req
88. what do you feel
you can bring to Lestercorp?Copy !req
89. Uh, well, sir,
I'm an excellent filer.Copy !req
90. Are you? All right.
Let's see about that.Copy !req
91. Tell me, which of these two letters
comes first? This one or this one?Copy !req
92. The symbol on the left
is not a letter, sir.Copy !req
93. Damn, you're good.Copy !req
94. - I was trying to trick you.
- I see.Copy !req
95. Well, then, put these in order.Copy !req
96. Yes, sir.Copy !req
97. Floris, get Guinness on the phone.Copy !req
98. Yes, sir.
Genghis Khan Capone. Fine.Copy !req
99. Damn fine woman— Floris.Copy !req
100. I don't know how she puts up with
this speech impediment of mine.Copy !req
101. You don't have
a speech impediment, Dr. Lester.Copy !req
102. Flattery will get you
everywhere, my boy.Copy !req
103. I'm afraid I have to trust
Floris on that one.Copy !req
104. You see,
she's got her doctorate...Copy !req
105. in speech impedimentology
from Case Western.Copy !req
106. I apologize if you can't understand
a word I'm saying.Copy !req
107. No, I understand perfectly.Copy !req
108. Oh, it's very kind
of you to lie.Copy !req
109. You see, I've been very lonely...Copy !req
110. in my isolated tower
of indecipherable speech.Copy !req
111. You got the job.Copy !req
112. - Any questions?
- Well, ijust one.Copy !req
113. Why are these ceilings so low?Copy !req
114. Low overhead, my boy!
We pass the savings on to you.Copy !req
115. But seriously,
that'll all be covered in orientation.Copy !req
116. &&Copy !req
117. Welcome to
the seven and a half floor
of the Mertin Flemmer Building.Copy !req
118. As you'll now be spending
your work day here, it is important...Copy !req
119. that you learn a bit about the history
of this famous floor.Copy !req
120. - Hello, Don.
- Hello, Wendy.Copy !req
121. Don, I was wondering,
do you know why...Copy !req
122. our workplace
has such low ceilings?Copy !req
123. It's an interesting story.
Many years ago in the late 1800s...Copy !req
124. James Mertin, an Irish ship captain,
came to this town...Copy !req
125. and decided to erect
an office building.Copy !req
126. He called this building the
Mertin Flemmer Building after himself...Copy !req
127. and someone else, who local legend
has it was named Flemmer.Copy !req
128. Well, one day, old Captain Mertin
received an unexpected visitor.Copy !req
129. - Captain Mertin?
- Aye. What want ye, girl child?Copy !req
130. I'm not a child, but rather
an adult lady of miniature proportions.Copy !req
131. I see. Well, if it's
charity you're after...Copy !req
132. be gone with ye,
you foul demon!Copy !req
133. I'm not asking for alms...Copy !req
134. but, rather, the ear of a kind man
with a noble heart.Copy !req
135. Well, speak then, if you must.Copy !req
136. Captain Mertin, I'm afraid that
the world was not built with me in mind.Copy !req
137. Doorknobs are too high,
chairs are unwieldy...Copy !req
138. and high-ceilinged rooms
mock my stature.Copy !req
139. Why cannot there be a place for me
to work that's safe and comfortable?Copy !req
140. Thy story has moved me like no other.Copy !req
141. Therefore, I shall make ye—
me wife.Copy !req
142. And— And I shall build
a floor for ye...Copy !req
143. between the seventh and the eighth
in me own building...Copy !req
144. so at least there'll be one place
on God's green earth...Copy !req
145. where ye and your accursed kind
can live in peace.Copy !req
146. So that's the story
of seven and a half.Copy !req
147. Since the rents are considerably lower,
this floor has been adopted...Copy !req
148. by businesses which,
for one reason or another,
have been forced to cut corners.Copy !req
149. After all, the overhead is low.Copy !req
150. &&Copy !req
151. Moving story, huh?Copy !req
152. Unfortunately, the story's bullshit.Copy !req
153. Listen, I'm Craig Schwartz.
I'm just starting out at Lestercorp.Copy !req
154. Where are you starting out?Copy !req
155. Shut up! Shut up!Copy !req
156. Shut up! Shut up!
Hey, shut up!Copy !req
157. - Shut up! I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry, honey.Copy !req
158. Sorry, honey.Copy !req
159. Sorry, honey.Copy !req
160. - Shut up!
- Sorry!Copy !req
161. - Help! She's locking me in a cage.
- Isn't that cute?Copy !req
162. - I ijust taught him that today.
- Yeah, that's adorable.Copy !req
163. - You want to do some dishes for me?
- Put that down.Copy !req
164. Here, Elijah.
Here you go.Copy !req
165. You know, I have an appointment
tomorrow with Elijah's shrink.Copy !req
166. - Uh-huh.
- Yeah. I think we're finally
getting down to the bottom...Copy !req
167. of this acid stomach,
aren't we?Copy !req
168. Come here.Copy !req
169. - Just get down from the—
- She thinks that it's
some sort of childhood trauma.Copy !req
170. - Feelings of inadequacy
as a chimp, you know?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
171. Careful.
Isn't that interesting?Copy !req
172. - Mm-hmm.
- I find it really interesting.Copy !req
173. So, honey, have you thought any more
about us having a baby?Copy !req
174. Uh... you know,
I think it's just so tough right now...Copy !req
175. - economically and all...
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
176. that I think maybe we should just wait
and see if this job thing pays off.Copy !req
177. - You know?
- Okay.Copy !req
178. I was thinking about
what you were saying...Copy !req
179. - about the orientation film
being bullshit.
- Yes?Copy !req
180. I think maybe
you're on to something.Copy !req
181. - And 50 other lines
to get into a girl's pants.
- No, no!Copy !req
182. No, I was just talking about the—
you know, about the film.Copy !req
183. Here's the thing.Copy !req
184. If you ever got me, you wouldn't have
a clue what to do with me.Copy !req
185. I wasn't— I was talking about the film.Copy !req
186. Ooh, what magic those fingers could
work on the right cabinet, mmm.Copy !req
187. Maybe you could alphabetize me.Copy !req
188. And don't forget...Copy !req
189. "I" comes before..." U."Copy !req
190. Floris, I think you're very nice...Copy !req
191. but the truth is that...
I'm in love with someone else.Copy !req
192. I'm afraid I have no idea
what you're saying to me.Copy !req
193. - You bastard.
- What?Copy !req
194. Don't toy with Floris, Schwartz.Copy !req
195. - Oh, no—
- If I was 80 years younger,
I'd box your ears.Copy !req
196. I wasn't toying with her, sir.
I wouldn't—Copy !req
197. - Pardon me. How old are you, sir?
- 105.Copy !req
198. Carrot juice, and lots of it.Copy !req
199. I swear, sometimes it's not worth it.
I piss orange.Copy !req
200. And I have to piss sitting down...Copy !req
201. like a goddamn girly-girl,
every 15 minutes.Copy !req
202. - Mm.
- But nobody wants to die.Copy !req
203. Ah, to be a young man again,
eh, Schwartz?Copy !req
204. Maybe then Floris
would care for me.Copy !req
205. But the elderly have so much to offer,
sir. They're our link with history.Copy !req
206. I don't wanna be
your goddamn link, damn ya.Copy !req
207. I want to feel Floris's
naked thighs next to mine.Copy !req
208. I want my body to inspire lust...Copy !req
209. in that beautiful, complex woman.Copy !req
210. I want her to shiver
with a spasm of ecstasy...Copy !req
211. Schwartz, as I penetrate her wet—Copy !req
212. Dr. Lester, while I'm flattered
you would share your feelings with me...Copy !req
213. perhaps the workplace is not
the most suitable environment
for this type of discussion.Copy !req
214. All right. You're right.
I'll tell you what.Copy !req
215. Meet me after work today
at Jerry's Juiceteria on Lex...Copy !req
216. and I'll spill
my goddamn guts for ya.Copy !req
217. No, I won't be late, Lotte.
I just have to, you know...Copy !req
218. listen to Lester's sexual fantasies
and drink carrot juice for a while.Copy !req
219. It's a job thing, really.Copy !req
220. Yeah. So, I'll talk to you later, okay?
Yeah. You too.Copy !req
221. Gotta go back to work.
Okay, bye.Copy !req
222. Hi. Do you know that I don't even know
your name or where you work?Copy !req
223. Yeah.Copy !req
224. Um... okay, how about this?Copy !req
225. If I can guess your name
in three tries, you have to come
have a drink with me tonight.Copy !req
226. Why not?Copy !req
227. Okay.Copy !req
228. You look like a...Copy !req
229. Bar—Copy !req
230. Ru—Copy !req
231. Bell— Lu—Copy !req
232. L— Carol—Copy !req
233. Ta—Shar—Copy !req
234. Susann—Copy !req
235. Emm... ily—Copy !req
236. Mar... lar—Copy !req
237. Maax... ine—
M-M-M— Maxine?Copy !req
238. Yeah!
Who told you?Copy !req
239. Nobody told me. That just came out.
Isn't that odd?Copy !req
240. So where do you live
and stuff?Copy !req
241. I am dubious...Copy !req
242. but I don't welsh.Copy !req
243. Okay, meet me
at The Stuck Pig, 7:00.Copy !req
244. If you're late, I walk.Copy !req
245. Nubile. Blonde.Copy !req
246. Wet with desire.
Me in leather.Copy !req
247. A harness, if you like.Copy !req
248. And all eyes, Craig,
are upon me as I speak.Copy !req
249. " Ladies," I begin.Copy !req
250. "I am the love god Eros."
They like that.Copy !req
251. "I intoxicate you.Copy !req
252. My spunk is, to you,
manna from heaven."Copy !req
253. Dr. Lester, this is
all really fascinating and stuff...Copy !req
254. but I gotta...
get back home to my wife.Copy !req
255. - You have a wife. I'd like to meet her.
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
256. Shall we say dinner Thursday?Copy !req
257. You can come, too, if you like.Copy !req
258. Get that? That was a joke.
You hear what I said? You can come too.Copy !req
259. That was a good one.Copy !req
260. - All right. Thank you.
- Yeah.Copy !req
261. Maxine. Maxine.Copy !req
262. - I made it, Maxine.
- Just.Copy !req
263. Buy you a drink, Maxine?Copy !req
264. Are you married?Copy !req
265. - Yeah. But enough about me.
- Yeah.Copy !req
266. - What'll you have?
- I'll have more
of the same, please, Barry.Copy !req
267. And I'll have, uh,
a light beer or something.Copy !req
268. Hai.Copy !req
269. So, uh...Copy !req
270. I don't know—
I, uh— I like you.Copy !req
271. - I don't know what it is
about you. I just—
- My tits?Copy !req
272. - No! No, no, no, no.
- No?Copy !req
273. - It's your energy,
the way you carry yourself.
- You're not a fag, are you?Copy !req
274. No. I am really
attracted to you.Copy !req
275. "I am really attracted to you."
Christ, you are a fag.Copy !req
276. - Well, we can share recipes
if you like, Darlene.
- No, wait!Copy !req
277. - I love your tits. I wanna fuck 'em.
- Now we're gettin' somewhere.Copy !req
278. Not a chance.Copy !req
279. So tell me about yourself, huh?Copy !req
280. If you can get your mind
out of the gutter long enough, dog boy.Copy !req
281. Well, I'm a puppeteer.Copy !req
282. - I— I've been—
- Check.Copy !req
283. - Hey.
- I'm sorry I'm so late.Copy !req
284. I ijust— Lesterijust wouldn't...
let me get away.Copy !req
285. Hi, Elijah. We're supposed to have
dinner with him on Thursday...Copy !req
286. but I can get us out of it,
if you want.Copy !req
287. He's like this insane old lech,
and it's kind of amusing...Copy !req
288. - once you get past
how disgusting it actually is.
- Did you eat?Copy !req
289. No. I'm not hungry. I'm sorry I didn't
call. It was just hard to get away.Copy !req
290. - I was worried.
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
291. You know...Copy !req
292. you wanted me to work.Copy !req
293. - How was your evening?
- Well...Copy !req
294. Tom-Tom's puncture wound
is infected.Copy !req
295. - The ferret?
- The iguana.Copy !req
296. Right.Copy !req
297. So I just dressed the wound...Copy !req
298. and I've just been feeding everyone
and putting everybody to bed.Copy !req
299. - You want a beer?
- No. I think I'm going to go to bed.Copy !req
300. Elijah's gonna sleep
with us tonight.Copy !req
301. - I don't think he's feeling very well.
- Okay.Copy !req
302. Well, you know what? I'm gonna go
in my workshop for a little while.Copy !req
303. - But I'll be in in a little while.
- Okay.Copy !req
304. Tell me, Craig,
why do you love puppeteering?Copy !req
305. Well, Maxine,
I'm not sure exactly.Copy !req
306. Perhaps it's the idea of becoming
someone else for a little while.Copy !req
307. Being inside another skin...Copy !req
308. thinking differently,
moving differently...Copy !req
309. feeling differently.Copy !req
310. Interesting, Craig.Copy !req
311. Would you like
to be inside my skin...Copy !req
312. think what I think,
feel what I feel?Copy !req
313. More than anything, Maxine.Copy !req
314. It's good in here, Craig.Copy !req
315. It's better than
your wildest dreams.Copy !req
316. You're not somebody
I could get interested in, Craig.Copy !req
317. You play with dolls.Copy !req
318. Puppets, Maxine. It's the idea
of being inside someone else's skin...Copy !req
319. - and seeing what they see
and feeling what they feel.
- Yikes!Copy !req
320. It's just that, well—
Please let me explain.Copy !req
321. I've never done this before, but...Copy !req
322. I feel something for you,
and I've never felt this way before...Copy !req
323. you know, about anybody,
n-not even my wife.Copy !req
324. And I just— I really feel
that you and I belong together, Maxine.Copy !req
325. Shit.Copy !req
326. See you later.
Hello. Mail room.Copy !req
327. Yeah. Yeah.
What's the file number?Copy !req
328. 3-2-3-6-4. Yep.Copy !req
329. Oh, you know what?
The puppeteer told me he loved me today.Copy !req
330. I know, I can't think
of anything more pathetic.Copy !req
331. I'm sorry.Copy !req
332. Good afternoon, sir.Copy !req
333. The Broadhurst Theater, please.Copy !req
334. Hey, say, uh...
ain't you that actor guy?Copy !req
335. Yes.Copy !req
336. John, uh— What is, uh—
John, um, uh—Copy !req
337. Uh, don't tell me.
Maplethorpe?Copy !req
338. - Malkovich.
- Malkovich. Right, right. Okay.Copy !req
339. - Yeah. I thought you were
all right in that one movie.
- Thank you.Copy !req
340. The one where you played
a jewel thief.Copy !req
341. - I never played a ijewel thief.
- No?Copy !req
342. - Who am I thinkin' of?
- I don't know.Copy !req
343. Just, uh—Copy !req
344. No, no, I'm pretty sure it was you.Copy !req
345. The, uh— 'Cause, uh—Copy !req
346. Yeah. Absolutely, doll. Yeah.Copy !req
347. I'm ijust about to close up.
Wanna meet at the Pig in 20 minutes?Copy !req
348. Cool. Bye.Copy !req
349. I'm splittin' for the day, puppet man.
Lock up for me, okay?Copy !req
350. - Don't you wanna know
what happened to me?
- No.Copy !req
351. - Please, this is important.
- Better be.Copy !req
352. It is.Copy !req
353. There's a tiny door
in my office, Maxine.Copy !req
354. It's a portal,
and it takes you insideJohn Malkovich.Copy !req
355. You see the world
throughJohn Malkovich's eyes...Copy !req
356. and then after about 15 minutes,
you're spit out...Copy !req
357. into a ditch on the side
of the New Jersey Turnpike.Copy !req
358. Sounds great!
Who the fuck is John Malkovich?Copy !req
359. Oh, he's an actor. He's one of the great
American actors of the 20th century.Copy !req
360. Oh, yeah?
What's he been in?Copy !req
361. Lots of things.
That jewel thief movie, for example.Copy !req
362. He's very well respected.
Anyway, the point is...Copy !req
363. this is a very odd thing.Copy !req
364. It's supernatural,
for lack of a better word.Copy !req
365. I mean, it raises
all sorts of philosophical-type
questions, you know...Copy !req
366. about the nature of self,
about the existence of a soul.Copy !req
367. You know, am I me?
Is Malkovich Malkovich?Copy !req
368. I had a piece of wood in my hand.Copy !req
369. I don't have it anymore.
Where is it?Copy !req
370. Did it disappear?
How could that be?Copy !req
371. Is it still in Malkovich's head?
I don't know!Copy !req
372. Do you see what a metaphysical
can of worms this portal is?Copy !req
373. I don't see how I could go on living
my life the way I've lived it before.Copy !req
374. - Yeah?
- So I've been thinking,
is this Malkovich fellow appealing?Copy !req
375. Maxine! Yes, of course, Maxine.
He's a celebrity.Copy !req
376. Good. We'll sell tickets.Copy !req
377. - Tickets to Malkovich?
- Exactly.Copy !req
378. Two hundred dollars a pop.Copy !req
379. But, Maxine, there's something,
I don't know, like profound here.Copy !req
380. I don't know if maybe
we should exploit it. You think?Copy !req
381. I need you for this, Craigy.
You're my man on the inside.Copy !req
382. You need me?
I'm your man?Copy !req
383. Sure, whatever.Copy !req
384. Hey, everybody, I'm home.Copy !req
385. - Treats for everyone.
- Maxine?Copy !req
386. - Yeah?
- We don't know
the significance of this thing.Copy !req
387. It might be dangerous to toy with?Copy !req
388. Well, I'll protect you, doll face.Copy !req
389. Bye-bye.Copy !req
390. Who was that?Copy !req
391. I'm going to be working a lot
of late nights with this partner...Copy !req
392. because Lestercorp's open
during the day, so I'll be
working a lot of late nights.Copy !req
393. But it's a good thing, 'cause it's gonna
get us out of the hole financially...Copy !req
394. 'cause we're gonna
turn it into a business.Copy !req
395. But I don't understand.
There's not—Copy !req
396. There's no such thing as a hole,
or a portal, into somebody's brain.Copy !req
397. Yes, there is.
A brain, or soul or whatever.Copy !req
398. I was insideJohn Malkovich lookin' out.Copy !req
399. - Really?
- Yep.Copy !req
400. - I wanna try it.
- Pardon me?Copy !req
401. I want to be
John Malkovich, tomorrow.Copy !req
402. That'd be perfect,
'cause then I can meet your partner.Copy !req
403. The thing is, Lestercorp's open during
the day, so we can't go during the day.Copy !req
404. But if you want to,
we can do it right now.Copy !req
405. - Now? Right now?
- Tonight. Right now,
on the way to Lester's.Copy !req
406. I'll meet you on the side of the road
by the New Jersey Turnpike.Copy !req
407. I'm scared.Copy !req
408. You don't have to do this, you know.Copy !req
409. No.Copy !req
410. No, I-I wanna go.Copy !req
411. - You sure? Okay.
- Yeah.Copy !req
412. &&Copy !req
413. It's wet.Copy !req
414. Weird.Copy !req
415. That's nice. Oh!Copy !req
416. Oh, mmm!Copy !req
417. Oh! Mmm.Copy !req
418. God.
I feel sexy.Copy !req
419. Lotte, are you all right?Copy !req
420. Craig! Craig,
I gotta go back!Copy !req
421. - No!
- Maybe tomorrow.Copy !req
422. - No! I gotta go back now!
- We'll talk about it later.Copy !req
423. Wow!Copy !req
424. Being inside did something to me.Copy !req
425. I knew who I was.Copy !req
426. It's like everything made sense.
I-I knew who I was.Copy !req
427. But you weren't you.
You wereJohn Malkovich.Copy !req
428. God, I was.
I was, wasn't I?Copy !req
429. I was—Copy !req
430. I was John Malkovich.Copy !req
431. I was—
I was John fucking Malkovich!Copy !req
432. - Take me back, Craig.
- We're late for Lester.Copy !req
433. So tell me, Lotte,
can you understand a word I'm saying?Copy !req
434. Oh, yes, Dr. Lester.
Absolutely.Copy !req
435. You were just explaining
the nutritional value...Copy !req
436. of ingesting minerals
through a colloidal form which
I couldn't agree more with.Copy !req
437. Oh! Be still, my heart.Copy !req
438. Dr. Lester, would you mind pointing
me in the direction of the restroom?Copy !req
439. With the greatest pleasure, my dear.Copy !req
440. You go up the grand escalier...Copy !req
441. and once atop the stairs
you'll want to enter the, uh...Copy !req
442. fifth door on my left.Copy !req
443. - Watch the step down. It's sunken.
- Okay. Thank you.Copy !req
444. "Malkovich Physical Development. "Copy !req
445. What do you think Lester's relationship
with John Malkovich is?Copy !req
446. That portal's been boarded up forever.Copy !req
447. I bet Lester's not even aware of it—
him— the portal. Why?Copy !req
448. No reason.
I was just thinking.Copy !req
449. Do you think that it's kind of weird
thatJohn Malkovich has a portal?Copy !req
450. Do you think that it might have
some sort of significance, for example?Copy !req
451. I don't know.
Why do you think that?Copy !req
452. I don't even care.Copy !req
453. I think it's kind of sexy
thatJohn Malkovich has a portal.Copy !req
454. Sort of like
it's like he's a vagina.Copy !req
455. It's sort of vaginal,
like he has a—Copy !req
456. he has a penis and a vagina.Copy !req
457. It's sort of like...Copy !req
458. Malkovich's feminine side.Copy !req
459. I like that.Copy !req
460. "VisitJ.M. Inc.
Mertin Flemmer Building.Copy !req
461. Nightly from 9:00 p.m. To 4:00 a.m."Copy !req
462. Sounds good.
Oblique but intriguing. Phone it in.Copy !req
463. - Want me to phone it in?
- No.Copy !req
464. - Lotte!
- Hi.Copy !req
465. - I heard your voice.
- What are you doing here?Copy !req
466. Is this your partner?
She's pretty.Copy !req
467. I had to do the Malkovich ride again,
you know? Is this her?Copy !req
468. - Hi. You're Craig's wife?
- Yeah. Hi.Copy !req
469. Lotte, Maxine.
Maxine, Lotte.Copy !req
470. - Have you done Malkovich yet?
- Uh, hi. Yeah, I want to place an ad.Copy !req
471. Okay.
"Ever want to be someone else?"Copy !req
472. No, that's the ad,
but we can talk about you in a minute.Copy !req
473. "Ever want to be someone else?Copy !req
474. Now you can. VisitJ.M. Inc. "Copy !req
475. Inc. Mertin.Copy !req
476. M-E-R-T-I-N.
Flemmer.Copy !req
477. You should really be at work.Copy !req
478. I've been going over and over
my experience last night, Craig.Copy !req
479. It was amazing.Copy !req
480. I've decided—Copy !req
481. that I'm a transsexual.Copy !req
482. - I know it's the craziest thing, Craig!
- What, are you fuckin' nuts?Copy !req
483. No. It's just that for the first time,
everything just felt right.Copy !req
484. I've got to make sure.Copy !req
485. But if the feeling is still there...Copy !req
486. I'm going to talk to Dr. Feldman
about sexual reassignment surgery.Copy !req
487. This is absurd!
Besides, Feldman is an allergist.Copy !req
488. If you're going to do something,
do it right.Copy !req
489. You get these half-assed ideas,
and then you do a half-assed job.Copy !req
490. Just drop it.Copy !req
491. It's just that I really, you know,
like Dr. Feldman. All right?Copy !req
492. So I thought that
I would ask him his opinion.Copy !req
493. Is there something
so terrible about that?Copy !req
494. - Why do you always yell at me like this?
- Sweetie, I'm sorry.Copy !req
495. It's just a phase. It's the thrill
of seeing through somebody else's eyes.Copy !req
496. Okay? It'll pass.Copy !req
497. Don't stand in the way
of my actualization as a man.Copy !req
498. Let her go, Craig.Copy !req
499. - Okay.
- I mean him.Copy !req
500. Right now?Copy !req
501. Uh-huh.Copy !req
502. It's the middle of the day.
How am I going to get her past Lester?Copy !req
503. - Yawn. Figure it out.
- Okay.Copy !req
504. Let's go.
Come on.Copy !req
505. - Bye.
- Bye.Copy !req
506. Davey, it's Max.Copy !req
507. Listen, can you get me
John Malkovich's home phone?Copy !req
508. " But what I had been through.Copy !req
509. I am hungry as the winter.Copy !req
510. I am sick, anxious, poor as a beggar.Copy !req
511. Fate has tossed me hither and thither.Copy !req
512. I have been everywhere.
Everywhere.Copy !req
513. - So strong.
- But wherever I have been...Copy !req
514. - every minute, day and night...
- I want that voice.Copy !req
515. - my soul has been full
of mysterious anticipations.
- My soul has been full...Copy !req
516. - of mysterious anticipation.
- I feel the approach of happiness.Copy !req
517. Anya, I see it coming."Copy !req
518. - Yeah?
- Mr. John Malkovich?Copy !req
519. - Yeah. Who's calling?
- Oh, my goodness!Copy !req
520. You don't know me,
but I know you.Copy !req
521. I'm a great admirer of yours.Copy !req
522. How did you get this number?Copy !req
523. Well... it's just that I—Copy !req
524. I— I dream about you.Copy !req
525. And well, even speaking to you now
has gotten me sort of excited, you know?Copy !req
526. Wow, the way
this woman's talking to him.Copy !req
527. Listen, I really don't
find this amusing.Copy !req
528. - Don't call here anymore, okay?
- Well!Copy !req
529. My nipples are at attention,
General Malkovich, sir.Copy !req
530. What, her nipples?Copy !req
531. So, listen,
why don't we have dinner tonight?Copy !req
532. Bernardo's? 8:00?Copy !req
533. I really want to see you. I just loved
you in that jewel thief movie.Copy !req
534. You're not gonna
meet her there? Come on!Copy !req
535. Meet her. Meet her. Meet her there.Copy !req
536. Meet her there!
"... as the winter.Copy !req
537. I am sick, anxious, poor as a beggar.Copy !req
538. - Meet her there!
- Fate has tossed me hither and thither.Copy !req
539. I have been everywhere.
Everywhere.Copy !req
540. But wherever I have been,
every minute, day and night...Copy !req
541. - Meet her there. Meet her there.
- My soul has been full...Copy !req
542. - Yes!
- of mysterious anticipations. "Copy !req
543. - How was it?
- I have to go back at
- 00 exactly, tonight.Copy !req
544. - Why?
- Don't crowd me, Craig.Copy !req
545. - Excuse me. Are you John Malkovich?
- Yes, I am.Copy !req
546. Wow. You really are great in that movie
where you play that retard.Copy !req
547. Oh, thank you very much.Copy !req
548. - I have a cousin who's a retard.
- Oh. Thank you.Copy !req
549. So, as you might imagine,
it means a lot to me...Copy !req
550. to see retards...Copy !req
551. portrayed on the silver screen
so compassionately.Copy !req
552. Well, thank you very much.
I appreciate it.Copy !req
553. Good night.Copy !req
554. - Maxine? It's Maxine.
- Hi.Copy !req
555. I'm so glad you decided to come.
I'm Maxine.Copy !req
556. I'm John.
How do you do?Copy !req
557. Good.Copy !req
558. I wasn't sure
I was going to come...Copy !req
559. but I felt, uh, oddly compelled.Copy !req
560. You're so beautiful.Copy !req
561. The way you're looking at me—
I mean, at him—at us.Copy !req
562. I've never been
looked at like this by a woman before.Copy !req
563. I think I'm sweating.Copy !req
564. I must say,
I was intrigued by your voice.Copy !req
565. And the funny thing is, Mr. Malkovich...Copy !req
566. my voice is probably
the least intriguing thing about me.Copy !req
567. So, I mean— So, how was it?
What was he doing?Copy !req
568. He wasn't doing anything really.Copy !req
569. He was just hanging
around his apartment.Copy !req
570. I think he's probably just a really...
uh, lonely guy.Copy !req
571. See, men can feel
unfulfilled, too, Lotte.Copy !req
572. I'm glad you're coming
to realize that.Copy !req
573. You shouldn't be so quick to assume
that switching bodies...Copy !req
574. is gonna be the answer
to your problems.Copy !req
575. You're right, Craig.
You're right.Copy !req
576. You know what I was thinking?
I was thinking that maybe...Copy !req
577. we should invite Maxine
over for dinner one night...Copy !req
578. because you guys are partners
and I thought that might be
a really nice gesture.Copy !req
579. - I think she'd like that. What?
- Maxine?Copy !req
580. The thing is, there's been
some tension between us at work—Copy !req
581. business stuff—
and I would hate to expose you to that.Copy !req
582. It'll be okay.Copy !req
583. I'll cook my lasagna,
we'll smoke a joint, and...Copy !req
584. tensions will just melt away.Copy !req
585. Now, when you say that I can be
somebody else, what do you mean exactly?Copy !req
586. Well, we mean exactly that.Copy !req
587. We can put you inside
someone else's body for 15 minutes.Copy !req
588. Can I be anybody that I wanna be?Copy !req
589. Well... you—Copy !req
590. - Actually—
- You can beJohn Malkovich.Copy !req
591. That's perfect! It's my second choice,
but it's wonderful.Copy !req
592. It's—Copy !req
593. I'm a fat man.
I am sad and fat—Copy !req
594. Two hundred dollars?Copy !req
595. Oh. Oh, uh, yes.Copy !req
596. Okay.Copy !req
597. You gotta crawl in there.Copy !req
598. Oh, my God.Copy !req
599. No, that's what I'm saying. See, I don't
really need an extra bath mat.Copy !req
600. So if I get the set,
would it be possible...Copy !req
601. if I could just get maybe three...Copy !req
602. extra hand towels—Copy !req
603. uh, if I get the set—
instead of the bathmat?Copy !req
604. - Yes, sir. Sure, we can do that.
- Great.Copy !req
605. That sounds good.Copy !req
606. And for the color, periwinkle?Copy !req
607. Oh, I'm sorry.
We're out of stock in periwinkle.Copy !req
608. Do you want to back order?Copy !req
609. No. I'll, uh... go with the loden.Copy !req
610. Would you like to order anything else?Copy !req
611. What is the difference between
the foot-pampering looped cotton rug...Copy !req
612. and the bath mat?Copy !req
613. You're my friends.
Thank you.Copy !req
614. Did you know that
Eskimos have not one...Copy !req
615. but...Copy !req
616. 49 words for snow?Copy !req
617. - Mm.
- It's because they have so much of it.Copy !req
618. So much snow.Copy !req
619. After dinner,
I'll show you my puppets.Copy !req
620. After dinner, I'll introduce you
to my chimp Elijah.Copy !req
621. He has an ulcer right now
due to suppressed childhood trauma...Copy !req
622. but we're working through it.Copy !req
623. Psychotherapy.Copy !req
624. - This the bedroom?
- Yeah.Copy !req
625. The thing is,
the way that I see it...Copy !req
626. is, I think the world is divided...Copy !req
627. into those who go after what they want
and then those who don't, right?Copy !req
628. - Right.
- The passionate ones—Copy !req
629. the ones who go after
what they want—Copy !req
630. well, they may not get
what they want.Copy !req
631. But— But...Copy !req
632. at least they remain vital.Copy !req
633. - Yeah.
- Yeah.Copy !req
634. So when they lie on their death beds,
they have, um... few regrets.Copy !req
635. Right?Copy !req
636. And the ones who don't go
after what they want...Copy !req
637. well... who gives a shit
about them, anyway?Copy !req
638. - God! Craig!
- Lotte!Copy !req
639. I don't find you attractive, hm?Copy !req
640. And, Lotte...
I'm smitten with you.Copy !req
641. I am,
but only when you're in Malkovich.Copy !req
642. When I looked into his eyes last night,
I could feel you peering out.Copy !req
643. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
644. Behind the stubble and the too prominent
brow and the male-pattern baldness...Copy !req
645. I sensed your feminine longing.Copy !req
646. And it just slew me.Copy !req
647. Oh, my God!Copy !req
648. Only as John, sweetie.
Sorry.Copy !req
649. Hey, thanks for
a wonderful dinner.Copy !req
650. No hard feelings, partner?Copy !req
651. &&Copy !req
652. J.M. Inc.Copy !req
653. Hi. It's Lotte.Copy !req
654. I'd like very much
to see you again.Copy !req
655. Can you call him
and invite yourself over?Copy !req
656. Um... when?Copy !req
657. Mm... tonight...Copy !req
658. after you close?Copy !req
659. Okay, uh... 4:11.Copy !req
660. 4:11?Copy !req
661. - Thank you, Maxine.
- You're welcome.Copy !req
662. Thanks so much
for having me over, sugarplum.Copy !req
663. I'm glad you called.Copy !req
664. Shall we to the boudoir?Copy !req
665. A couple of minutes.
I'm early.Copy !req
666. So do— do you enjoy being...
an actor?Copy !req
667. Sure. Yeah. It's—
It's very rewarding.Copy !req
668. Hi.Copy !req
669. Hi.Copy !req
670. Oh, my sweet Maxine.Copy !req
671. - My darling.
- I love you, Lotte.Copy !req
672. Did you call me Lotte?Copy !req
673. Do you mind?Copy !req
674. - No, not really.
- Mm.Copy !req
675. - Oh!
- Oh, God.Copy !req
676. - My sweet... beautiful Lotte.
- Oh!Copy !req
677. Oh, Maxine!Copy !req
678. Yes, Maxine. Yes.Copy !req
679. Maxine, this is— this is so right.Copy !req
680. Oh! Oh, God.Copy !req
681. Yes!Copy !req
682. Wow!Copy !req
683. Yes!Copy !req
684. - You were him, weren't you?
- Yeah.Copy !req
685. And he was with her!Copy !req
686. We love her, Craig.Copy !req
687. - " We"?
- John and me.Copy !req
688. - Don't forget about me!
- Well, you have
the Maxine action figure to play with!Copy !req
689. I'm sorry.
That was nasty.Copy !req
690. You are late, my little cowboy.Copy !req
691. Are you torturing me on purpose?Copy !req
692. - I've fallen in love.
- I don't think so.Copy !req
693. You know why?
Because I've fallen in love!Copy !req
694. And this is what people
who have fallen in love look like.Copy !req
695. Well, you picked the unrequited variety.
It's very bad for the skin.Copy !req
696. You're evil, Maxine.Copy !req
697. Do you have any idea what it's like
to have two people look at you...Copy !req
698. with total lust and devotion...Copy !req
699. through the same pair of eyes?Copy !req
700. Wow.
No, I don't suppose you would.Copy !req
701. It's quite a thrill, Craigy.Copy !req
702. Aaah! What are you doing?Copy !req
703. Oh, my God! Is that real?
What is that?Copy !req
704. Yes! I don't know how to use it very
well, so don't make any sudden moves!Copy !req
705. I'm serious!
I'm serious.Copy !req
706. Suck my dick!Copy !req
707. Shut up, okay?
Just shut up.Copy !req
708. - Craig!
- Tell her you need to see her.Copy !req
709. J.M. Inc.Copy !req
710. Be all that someone else can be.Copy !req
711. I need to see you.Copy !req
712. Sweetie!Copy !req
713. Oh, I had so much fun
with you last night.Copy !req
714. Shoot.
But it's business hours.Copy !req
715. Tell her what the hell,
close early, live dangerously.Copy !req
716. Say it.Copy !req
717. What the hell, you know?Copy !req
718. Live dangerously.
Close early.Copy !req
719. Ooh, doll.Copy !req
720. I love this new
devil-may-care side of you.Copy !req
721. All righty. I'll track down lover boy
and see both of you in one hour.Copy !req
722. Exactamundo.Copy !req
723. Craig!Copy !req
724. What's the matter with you?
Stop it!Copy !req
725. Sit up, okay?
Just sit up. Just sit up.Copy !req
726. Help!
He's locking me in a cage!Copy !req
727. Shut up!Copy !req
728. Shut up!Copy !req
729. Was ever woman in this humor wooed?Copy !req
730. Was ever woman in this humor won?Copy !req
731. Tommy, can I take 15?Copy !req
732. Good night, everybody.
See you back here at 9:00 p.m. Tomorrow.Copy !req
733. Oh, Lotte.
Lotte, this is so good!Copy !req
734. My God! This is amazing.Copy !req
735. - Lotte!
- I want to touch her breast.
Touch her breast.Copy !req
736. Move right hand
across left breast now.Copy !req
737. - Lotte!
- Move right hand across left breast now!Copy !req
738. Move right hand
across left breast now.Copy !req
739. - Holy shit, yes!
- Holy shit, yes!Copy !req
740. - Holy shit, he said what I said!
- Shit, he said what I said!Copy !req
741. - Lotte? Is that you?
- Yes, yes, sweetheart.Copy !req
742. Yes, sweetheart, yes.Copy !req
743. What the fuck is going on?
That's not me! I didn't say that.Copy !req
744. - Oh, Lotte.
- Oh, Maxine. Oh—Copy !req
745. Something was making me talk.Copy !req
746. Some goddamn thing
was making me move.Copy !req
747. - I've gotta get out of here.
- Oh, doll face!Copy !req
748. It was ijust, uh,
your passion for me taking hold.Copy !req
749. No, doll face. I know what
my passion taking hold feels like.Copy !req
750. Bye!Copy !req
751. I did it!Copy !req
752. I made him move his arms
across your girlfriend's glorious tit!Copy !req
753. Oh, and...Copy !req
754. I made him talk sort of.Copy !req
755. It's just a matter of practice
before Malkovich...Copy !req
756. is nothing more than another puppet
hanging next to my work table.Copy !req
757. I'll tell you about it
when I get home, okay? All right?Copy !req
758. Craig! Craig! I wanna—Copy !req
759. No, man, I'm sorry to—Copy !req
760. I'm sorry to have called you like that,
but I was just really, really scared.Copy !req
761. I was so freaked out.Copy !req
762. I mean, it was like... somebody was
just moving all the way through me...Copy !req
763. moving my arms, moving my hands,
talking for me.Copy !req
764. I mean, literally,
I feel like I'm going crazy, Charlie.Copy !req
765. - I'm sure you're not going crazy.
- You don't understand, man.Copy !req
766. - It was like nothing
I've ever felt before.
- Yeah, yada, yada, yada.Copy !req
767. - Were you stoned?
- Yes. Yes, I was—Copy !req
768. Jesus.Copy !req
769. Yes! Yes, I was stoned.Copy !req
770. But what— That doesn't have
anything to do with it.Copy !req
771. Charlie, someone was talking
through my mouth.Copy !req
772. You were stoned.
Case closed. End of story.Copy !req
773. - How hot is this babe?
- You know what?Copy !req
774. Maybe it was this
Lotte woman talking...Copy !req
775. because it could have been her
talking through me.Copy !req
776. Because this—
the weird thing is...Copy !req
777. this Maxine likes
to call me Lotte.Copy !req
778. Ouch. That is hot.Copy !req
779. Maybe she's using you
to channel some dead, lesbian lover.Copy !req
780. Sounds like my kind of gal. Let me know
when you're done with her, yeah?Copy !req
781. What are you talking about? Done with
her, man? Tonight really freaked me out.Copy !req
782. You're nuts to let a girl go
that calls you Lotte.
I'll tell you that as a friend.Copy !req
783. Charlie, I don't know
anything about the girl.Copy !req
784. - She could be, like,
a fucking witch or something.
- That's even better!Copy !req
785. Hot, lesbian witches.
Think about it. It's fucking genius.Copy !req
786. I gotta know the truth, Charlie.Copy !req
787. The truth is for suckers, Johnny boy.Copy !req
788. Thanks.Copy !req
789. This way.Copy !req
790. Excuse me, sir.
Exactly what, uh, type of service...Copy !req
791. does this company provide?Copy !req
792. You get to beJohn Malkovich
for 15 minutes.Copy !req
793. Two hundred clams.Copy !req
794. I see.Copy !req
795. - No cutting, by the way. No cutting!
- Hey, what the hell?Copy !req
796. Ah! Ow!Copy !req
797. Come on! Break it up!
Break it up! Cut it out!Copy !req
798. Everybody gets—
It's him. It's John Malkovich.Copy !req
799. I'm sorry, Mr. Malkovich.
I hope we didn't hurt you too terribly.Copy !req
800. Get inside!Copy !req
801. - Darling!
- What the fuck is going on?Copy !req
802. - Uh, uh, John Malkovich.
- Huh?Copy !req
803. Mr. Malkovich, sir.
Uh, um—Copy !req
804. - Mr. Malkovich, I think I can explain.
- Yeah, explain.Copy !req
805. My name is Craig Schwartz...Copy !req
806. and we operate
a little business here...Copy !req
807. that simulates, for our clientele,
well, the—Copy !req
808. the experience of—Copy !req
809. of— of being you, actually.Copy !req
810. - Simulates?
- Yeah, after a fashion.Copy !req
811. - What exactly does that mean?
- Well, it's hard to describe.Copy !req
812. - I want to do it then.
- That would pale in comparison
to the actual experience.Copy !req
813. - I want to do it!
- Right now Mr. Hiroshi's in the tube—Copy !req
814. - Let him do it, Craig.
- Of course.Copy !req
815. Right this way, Mr. Malkovich,
compliments of the house.Copy !req
816. Jesus.Copy !req
817. What happens when a man
goes through his own portal?Copy !req
818. We'll see.Copy !req
819. &&Copy !req
820. Malkovich.Copy !req
821. Malkovich, Malkovich.Copy !req
822. Malkovich, Malkovich.Copy !req
823. Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich?Copy !req
824. - Malkovich, Malkovich.
- Malkovich?Copy !req
825. - Malkovich!
- Malkovich.Copy !req
826. Malkovich.Copy !req
827. Malkovich.
Malkovich.Copy !req
828. - Malkovich!
- & Malkovich, Malkovich &Copy !req
829. - & Malkovich, Malkovich &
- Malkovich.Copy !req
830. - Malkovich.
- & Malkovich, Malkovich &Copy !req
831. - Malkovich!
- Malkovich.Copy !req
832. & Malkovich, Malkovich &Copy !req
833. - Malkovich!
- & Malkovich, Malkovich &Copy !req
834. - & Malkovich, Malkovich &&
- Malkovich!Copy !req
835. - How was it?
- It was amazing this time.Copy !req
836. - That was no simulation!
- I know. I'm sorry.Copy !req
837. It's such an honor.Copy !req
838. I have been to the dark side. I have
seen a world that no man should see!Copy !req
839. Really? For most people,
it's a rather pleasant experience.Copy !req
840. That portal is mine,
and it must be sealed forever...Copy !req
841. for the love of God.Copy !req
842. But, Mr. Malkovich, sir,
with all due respect...Copy !req
843. I discovered that portal.Copy !req
844. - It's my livelihood. Do you understand?
- It's my head, Schwartz!Copy !req
845. It's my head!Copy !req
846. I will see you in court!Copy !req
847. What makes you think I won't be seeing
what you're seeing...Copy !req
848. in court?Copy !req
849. Hey, Malkovich, think fast!Copy !req
850. Fuck!Copy !req
851. Dinner.Copy !req
852. You know, Craig,
once this was a relationship...Copy !req
853. built on love.Copy !req
854. Well, you gave up that claim...Copy !req
855. after the first time
you stuck your dick in Maxine, Lotte.Copy !req
856. You fell in love
with her first, Craig.Copy !req
857. Yeah, but I didn't do anything about it,
out of respect for our marriage.Copy !req
858. You didn't do anything
about it, Craig...Copy !req
859. out of respect for the fact
that she wouldn't let you
near her with a ten-foot pole!Copy !req
860. That's true.Copy !req
861. God, Lotte, what have I become?Copy !req
862. My wife in a cage with a monkey.Copy !req
863. Craig.Copy !req
864. I need to go to the bathroom
and take a shower.Copy !req
865. What am I, some kind of monster?Copy !req
866. I don't want to be a monster, Lotte.
I don't want to.Copy !req
867. Craig, you're not a monster. No.Copy !req
868. I know you're not a monster, honey.Copy !req
869. You're just—
You're just...Copy !req
870. a very, very confused man.Copy !req
871. I love you so much.Copy !req
872. I love you.Copy !req
873. Come on, Craig.Copy !req
874. - J.M. Inc.
- Maxine?Copy !req
875. Lotte.Copy !req
876. I've been thinking about us, you know?
And, uh—Copy !req
877. - We have to meet.
- Um, okay.Copy !req
878. I'll see you in Malkovich
in one hour.Copy !req
879. Craig!Copy !req
880. I hate you.Copy !req
881. Oh, Elijah!Copy !req
882. You really are magnificent.Copy !req
883. - J.M. Inc.
- Maxine!Copy !req
884. Honey pie! I was just heading out
the door to meet you.Copy !req
885. No, listen, Maxine. It hasn't been me
in Malkovich the last time.Copy !req
886. It's been that
son of a bitch Craig.Copy !req
887. He's had me locked in the cage
with my chimp, holding a gun to my head.Copy !req
888. - Oh, my God!
- He made me call you.Copy !req
889. I'm sorry, Maxine.
It's been him the whole time.Copy !req
890. I'm so sorry.
That's horrible.Copy !req
891. I miss you so much, Maxine.Copy !req
892. So— But—Copy !req
893. - Okay, that was Craig
inside of Malkovich?
- Yes, it was him.Copy !req
894. It's because he's
a puppeteer, I think.Copy !req
895. Well, boy, I'm— Uh—Copy !req
896. I'm surprised.
That's pretty impressive.Copy !req
897. - What?
- So if Craig can control Malkovich...Copy !req
898. - and I can control Craig—
- But, Maxine...Copy !req
899. I thought it was me
that you loved!Copy !req
900. I do.Copy !req
901. It's confusing, you know?
This is a very confusing situation.Copy !req
902. I know.Copy !req
903. Listen, I should really
get going, okay?Copy !req
904. - 'Cause I'm gonna be
late for Malkovich now.
- No.Copy !req
905. - What?
- We'll talk about this later, Lotte.Copy !req
906. - Maxine! Wait! Maxine!
- Okay?Copy !req
907. What the fuck do you want?Copy !req
908. I can explain
about the portal, darling.Copy !req
909. Listen, don't con me, Maxine.Copy !req
910. I don't know
who the hell you people are...Copy !req
911. but this insanity is now over.Copy !req
912. Oh, shut up.Copy !req
913. Craigy. Craig.Copy !req
914. Schwartzy, are you in there?Copy !req
915. How did you know it was me?Copy !req
916. Lotte called me.
She escaped your evil clutches.Copy !req
917. Really? Well, I'm really sorry
I did that, Maxine...Copy !req
918. but I'm really in love with you, and
I didn't know how else to be with you.Copy !req
919. Apparently you can control
this Malkovich fellow now?Copy !req
920. Yes, I'm getting better all the time.Copy !req
921. I'll say you are.Copy !req
922. Hey, let's do it
on his dining room table.Copy !req
923. - Then we'll make him
eat an omelet off of it.
- No!Copy !req
924. Shut up, you overrated sack of shit!Copy !req
925. Craigy.Copy !req
926. Yes?Copy !req
927. Hi, Dr. Lester.Copy !req
928. It's Lotte Schwartz,
Craig's wife.Copy !req
929. Oh! Yes.Copy !req
930. Oh, my God.
You'll catch your death out here.Copy !req
931. Look at you. You're soaking wet.
Please come in, come in.Copy !req
932. Here you are, my dear.Copy !req
933. Thank you.Copy !req
934. How's that?Copy !req
935. Much better, thank you.Copy !req
936. So, my dear...Copy !req
937. what is it that brings you to my doorway
on such an inhospitable evening?Copy !req
938. Well, Dr. Lester...Copy !req
939. see, I, uh—Copy !req
940. I have a very unhealthy obsession
with John Malkovich.Copy !req
941. I see.Copy !req
942. You mean, the performer.Copy !req
943. Yes.Copy !req
944. And what prompted you
to come to me with this issue?Copy !req
945. Well, when I was here
with my husband for dinner...Copy !req
946. I came upon a room that seemed to be
some sort ofJohn Malkovich museum.Copy !req
947. So I thought perhaps
maybe you would...Copy !req
948. have some appreciation
for my state of mind.Copy !req
949. You look so lovely, my dear...Copy !req
950. standing here before the fire...Copy !req
951. in my oversized man's robe.Copy !req
952. Thank you, Dr. Lester.Copy !req
953. Tell me...Copy !req
954. what is this strange power
that Malkovich exudes?Copy !req
955. You've gotta help me understand because
all I think about is wanting to be him.Copy !req
956. - Wanting to what?
- Wanting to be him.Copy !req
957. Wanting to beJohn Malkovich.Copy !req
958. Oh, I see.Copy !req
959. Well, perhaps you can.Copy !req
960. But, Dr. Lester—Copy !req
961. I am not Dr. Lester.Copy !req
962. I am Captain Mertin.Copy !req
963. I don't understand.Copy !req
964. It was 90 years ago
that I discovered a strange portal.Copy !req
965. And—And I found that
this portal led to a vessel body...Copy !req
966. and that I could live forever
by leaping from vessel to vessel.Copy !req
967. - So Dr. Lester is such a vessel?
- Yes, he is.Copy !req
968. You still there, sweets?Copy !req
969. I figured out how to hang on
as long as I want.Copy !req
970. It's all a matter of making friends
with the Malkovich body.Copy !req
971. Rather than thinking of it
as an enemy that has to be
pounded into submission...Copy !req
972. I've begun imagining it
as a really expensive suit...Copy !req
973. that I enijoy wearing.Copy !req
974. Ah, this illustrates...Copy !req
975. how I will move into
my next vessel, Malkovich...Copy !req
976. on his 44th birthday.Copy !req
977. That's when he becomes ripe.Copy !req
978. But I must enter
by midnight on that day.Copy !req
979. After that, I'd get diverted into
the next newly forming infant vessel.Copy !req
980. I don't want that to happen.Copy !req
981. - I'd be absorbed.
- Absorbed? What does that mean?Copy !req
982. Well, uh, trapped, held prisoner,
if you like, in the host's brain...Copy !req
983. unable to control anything...Copy !req
984. forever doomed to watch the world
through someone else's eyes.Copy !req
985. Now I'd like you
to meet some friends.Copy !req
986. See, I got lonely
in Lester by myself...Copy !req
987. so I figured out a way this time
to take others along with me.Copy !req
988. Come.Copy !req
989. Everyone, this is Lotte.Copy !req
990. - Hi, Lotte!
- She's a new friend of mine.Copy !req
991. Do a puppet show for me, Craig, honey.Copy !req
992. You mean, with Malkovich?Copy !req
993. - I'd love to see your work.
- Really?Copy !req
994. - Uh-huh.
- Yeah?Copy !req
995. Okay.Copy !req
996. This is something
that I call...Copy !req
997. "Craig's Dance of Despair
and Disillusionment."Copy !req
998. &&Copy !req
999. &&Copy !req
1000. &&Copy !req
1001. That was incredible!
You're— You're brilliant!Copy !req
1002. You see, Maxine,
it isn't just playing with dolls.Copy !req
1003. Oh, my darling,
it's so much more!Copy !req
1004. It's playing with people.Copy !req
1005. Stay in him forever.Copy !req
1006. My darling, how will we make
a living if our clientele
doesn't have access to our product?Copy !req
1007. Well, we'll have all the money
in Malkovich's bank account...Copy !req
1008. plus he does get
acting work occasionally.Copy !req
1009. No, please!Copy !req
1010. - Shut up! We're trying to think here.
- Gee!Copy !req
1011. It is—
It is sort of like puppeteering.Copy !req
1012. - I-I-I like that about it.
- Exactly!Copy !req
1013. And no one would ever even
have to know it's not him.Copy !req
1014. And I could use
Malkovich's existing notoriety...Copy !req
1015. to launch my own puppeteering career.Copy !req
1016. Oh, Craigy.
Craigy, that's brilliant.Copy !req
1017. Oh. Oh.Copy !req
1018. So lovely. I've always wondered
what it would be like to have a penis.Copy !req
1019. So lovely. I've always wondered
what it would be like to have a penis.Copy !req
1020. - Now I'll know.
- Really? I know it's very—Copy !req
1021. Lotte?
We like you.Copy !req
1022. We can see you're a kind
and decent woman...Copy !req
1023. and so...Copy !req
1024. we've decided to offer you
a place in John Malkovich with us...Copy !req
1025. if you like.Copy !req
1026. Dr. Lester...Copy !req
1027. you've been so kind to me...Copy !req
1028. and trusting.Copy !req
1029. And...Copy !req
1030. there's just something I think you
should know about the Malkovich vessel.Copy !req
1031. John's here
to see you. Should I send him in?Copy !req
1032. Of course send him right in. Don't ever
keep him waiting again, you understand?Copy !req
1033. Hey, John.Copy !req
1034. Great to see you.
Sorry about the cunt at reception.Copy !req
1035. - This is my fiancee, Maxine.
- Oh, great to see you, Maxine.Copy !req
1036. Sorry about the cunt at reception.
Please, have a seat.Copy !req
1037. Can I get you anything?
Coffee? Water?Copy !req
1038. No, thank you.Copy !req
1039. - Teresa, get me chicken soup.
- Okay.Copy !req
1040. Chicken soup?
Chicken soup?Copy !req
1041. Larry? Uh...
I want to get right to the point.Copy !req
1042. From now on, I'm no longer an actor.
I'm a puppeteer.Copy !req
1043. Okay. Great.Copy !req
1044. And I would like
to redirect my career...Copy !req
1045. so that from now on
the nameJohn Malkovich...Copy !req
1046. will be synonymous with puppets.Copy !req
1047. Sure. Sure.
No problemo.Copy !req
1048. Poof, you're a puppeteer.
Just let me make a couple calls.Copy !req
1049. Honey? Maxine?Copy !req
1050. Maxine?Copy !req
1051. I'm busy.Copy !req
1052. Maxine, honey, it's on!Copy !req
1053. &&Copy !req
1054. Yeah, there's the truth,
and there are lies...Copy !req
1055. and, uh, art always tells the truth,
even when it's lying.Copy !req
1056. The enigmatic John Malkovich...Copy !req
1057. one of the world's greatest entertainers
and the man who reinvented...Copy !req
1058. how we view puppeteering.Copy !req
1059. Tonight we look at the man
above the strings...Copy !req
1060. and the woman behind the man.Copy !req
1061. Raised in Evanston, Illinois,
Malkovich had a lifelong interest
in theater arts...Copy !req
1062. and as a young man was
one of the founding members...Copy !req
1063. of Chicago's world-renowned
Steppenwolf Theatre Company.Copy !req
1064. From there, it was a simple hop, skip
and a ijump to Broadway accolades...Copy !req
1065. and Hollywood stardom.Copy !req
1066. But nothing could prepare the public
for what was to come next.Copy !req
1067. And so it was that ijust
eight short months ago...Copy !req
1068. John Malkovich dropped the bombshell
that sent shock waves...Copy !req
1069. through the entertainment community.Copy !req
1070. Turning his back on his
former profession,
Malkovich had to start from scratch...Copy !req
1071. and pay his dues all over again
as a fledgling puppeteer.Copy !req
1072. Hello, ladies
and gentlemen, I'm John Malkovich.Copy !req
1073. It's— It's the— I miss—Copy !req
1074. I'm reallyJohn Malkovich.Copy !req
1075. From these inauspicious beginnings...Copy !req
1076. John Malkovich's rise
to stardom was fast and furious.Copy !req
1077. His breakout performance occurred
at this year's Emmy Awards—Copy !req
1078. It's really good!
I look really amazing.Copy !req
1079. I'd fuck me.Copy !req
1080. If there's anything
that upsets me about it...Copy !req
1081. it's feeling like
if I move into it too quickly...Copy !req
1082. I'll be, you know, deemed an imitator.Copy !req
1083. But, um, I think that once
we all get the courage...Copy !req
1084. to just follow through on
our instincts, like Malkovich has...Copy !req
1085. I think that, uh, a lot of us
will move into puppetry.Copy !req
1086. Malkovich's rise to fame
brought about a renaissance
in puppeteering.Copy !req
1087. No, no, no. What are you doing?
What are you doing?Copy !req
1088. - I'm making him weep, John.
- You're making him weep,
but you are not weeping.Copy !req
1089. Don't ever—
with your audience.Copy !req
1090. Until the— the puppet becomes...Copy !req
1091. an extension of you, it's a novelty act.Copy !req
1092. It's, uh—
It's Topo Gigio.Copy !req
1093. No?Copy !req
1094. He's a technical genius.Copy !req
1095. He breathes life
into inanimate obijects.Copy !req
1096. It's a very godlike thing...Copy !req
1097. to be able to take something and,
you know, make it live.Copy !req
1098. He was the talk of the town...Copy !req
1099. from the Beltway to Broadway...Copy !req
1100. aided in no small part by
his new wife and manager, Maxine Lund.Copy !req
1101. In Maxine,
Malkovich had found his mentor...Copy !req
1102. his muse, his inspiration.Copy !req
1103. In Malkovich,
Maxine had found the love of her life.Copy !req
1104. There, there, my dear. Relax.Copy !req
1105. This travesty will
all be over with by morning.Copy !req
1106. And the crowds have been
absolutely sensational...Copy !req
1107. and, um, I'd just like to thank God
for giving us this opportunity...Copy !req
1108. to share our creative vision.Copy !req
1109. Nothing was impossible
forJohn and Maxine in the early days.Copy !req
1110. Their union was a ijoyous one,
and together they worked tirelessly...Copy !req
1111. to further Malkovich's
puppeteering career.Copy !req
1112. John Malkovich, the artist...Copy !req
1113. and Maxine, the entrepreneur—Copy !req
1114. they make this character...Copy !req
1115. this protean figure
that we call John Malkovich.Copy !req
1116. But some say Maxine
has changed since becoming pregnant...Copy !req
1117. recoiling from the limelight...Copy !req
1118. and, rumor has it,
from her husband's affections.Copy !req
1119. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
1120. Malkovich shows us...Copy !req
1121. a reflection of ourselves,
our frailties...Copy !req
1122. and our, you know,
desperate humanity.Copy !req
1123. That's what makes him one of
the most relevant artists of our time.Copy !req
1124. And what does the future
hold forJohn Horatio Malkovich?Copy !req
1125. Well, to quote the Bard,
"He's got the world on a string. "Copy !req
1126. As the poet said,"The puppeteer's voice
need not merely be the record of man.Copy !req
1127. It can be one of the pillars,
the props...Copy !req
1128. to help him endure and prevail,"
and I believe that.Copy !req
1129. It's over!Copy !req
1130. Max?Copy !req
1131. I've gotta head down to A.B.T. now.Copy !req
1132. I've got the"Swan Lake"
benefit tonight, okay?Copy !req
1133. But when I come back,
we can maybe celebrate...Copy !req
1134. Malkovich's big four-four.Copy !req
1135. Okay? Jesus!Copy !req
1136. Why couldn't I have found
the portal to a younger body?Copy !req
1137. What if I—
What if I fall tonight and break my hip?Copy !req
1138. &&Copy !req
1139. &&Copy !req
1140. Like that, little girl?Copy !req
1141. Huh, lamb?Copy !req
1142. I love you.Copy !req
1143. Bravo!Copy !req
1144. Maxine?Copy !req
1145. Ma—Copy !req
1146. Hello? Hello?Copy !req
1147. - We have Maxine.
- Oh! My God.Copy !req
1148. Please, please,
don't hurt her.Copy !req
1149. Listen, I'll— I'll give you
anything you want. Please.Copy !req
1150. You listen to me, asshole.
I don't want your fucking money.Copy !req
1151. What I want is for you
to leaveJohn Malkovich now!Copy !req
1152. - Who— Who is this, Lester?
- Does it matter?Copy !req
1153. We're gonna kill Maxine
if you don't leave the body immediately!Copy !req
1154. But I-I-I can't do that.Copy !req
1155. I mean, if-if I leave Malkovich,
then I'm Craig Schwartz again.Copy !req
1156. No career, no money.
Maxine will have nothing to do—Copy !req
1157. She barely has anything
to do with me now.Copy !req
1158. Jesus, we're going to kill your wife,
you fucking lunatic!Copy !req
1159. God.Copy !req
1160. Listen, Schwartz,
Malkovich is our vessel. We're old.Copy !req
1161. We're going to die
if we don't get into him by midni—Copy !req
1162. He called our bluff.Copy !req
1163. Shit!Copy !req
1164. Can't we just go inside the portal
and push Craig out?Copy !req
1165. No, he's much too powerful.Copy !req
1166. Schwartz would just jam us down
into Malkovich's subconscious.Copy !req
1167. Lotte.Copy !req
1168. If I can't have you, no one will.Copy !req
1169. No, Lotte!
God, no, we can't really kill her!Copy !req
1170. She's carrying Malkovich's seed!
Our next vessel!Copy !req
1171. Hey! Help me!Copy !req
1172. Help me!Copy !req
1173. - Where the fuck am I?
- We're in Malkovich's subconscious.Copy !req
1174. The last thing
you'll ever see, Maxine.Copy !req
1175. Fag-o-vitch!Copy !req
1176. Johnny, baby, Johnny.Copy !req
1177. Bad. I am bad. I am bad.Copy !req
1178. I am bad. I am bad. I am bad. I am bad.Copy !req
1179. I am bad. I am bad.
I am bad.Copy !req
1180. I am bad. I am bad.Copy !req
1181. I am bad.
I am bad. I am bad.Copy !req
1182. Maxine, I am gonna kill you!Copy !req
1183. You're creepy.Copy !req
1184. LittleJohnny Malk-o-pee!Copy !req
1185. LittleJohnny Malk-o-pee!Copy !req
1186. Wet his pants so all could see!Copy !req
1187. LittleJohnny Malk-o-pee!Copy !req
1188. LittleJohnny Malk-o-pee!Copy !req
1189. Wet his pants so all could see!Copy !req
1190. I loved you so much!Copy !req
1191. Oh! Why did you have
to hurt me like that?Copy !req
1192. I'm sorry, Lotte.Copy !req
1193. I guess I loved you, too, in my way.Copy !req
1194. You are so full of shit, Maxine!Copy !req
1195. I know.Copy !req
1196. I know!Copy !req
1197. It's your baby, okay?Copy !req
1198. What?Copy !req
1199. The baby— it's yours.Copy !req
1200. It's ours. I got pregnant
when you were in Malkovich.Copy !req
1201. - You cannot fuck
with me anymore, Maxine!
- I'm not!Copy !req
1202. I kept it because I knew
you were the father—Copy !req
1203. the other mother—
whatever—Copy !req
1204. because I—
because it was yours.Copy !req
1205. So we're parents?Copy !req
1206. Together?Copy !req
1207. Yeah.Copy !req
1208. Say, uh...Copy !req
1209. - aren't you John Malkovich?
- No.Copy !req
1210. - Yeah, you are.
- No.Copy !req
1211. I can't believe
you're in this shithole, man.Copy !req
1212. - You guys know this is John Malkovich?
- I'm notJohn Malkovich.Copy !req
1213. - This is John Malkovich.
- I am notJohn Malkovich!Copy !req
1214. Cut it out, you guys.Copy !req
1215. Yes?Copy !req
1216. - Lester, please don't do it.
Please don't kill Maxine.
- So you'll leave?Copy !req
1217. Yes, I said—
I, uh— I am leaving.Copy !req
1218. All right. Do it now while
I'm on the phone so I can hear...Copy !req
1219. and your lovely bride walks.Copy !req
1220. Uh— Okay. Okay.Copy !req
1221. I'm going.Copy !req
1222. Now, my friends.
The time is now.Copy !req
1223. I'm free.Copy !req
1224. I'm back! I'm—Copy !req
1225. Lotte.Copy !req
1226. Eh—Copy !req
1227. Hello.
Hello, young lady.Copy !req
1228. We're... Malk—Copy !req
1229. We're Malkovich.Copy !req
1230. Hey! Hey!Copy !req
1231. Maxine!
I did it, Maxine!Copy !req
1232. I left Malkovich for you, sweetie!Copy !req
1233. It's no good being Malkovich
without you.Copy !req
1234. - It proves I love you!
- Fuck off, Craig!Copy !req
1235. - Doesn't it?
- He's not with us.Copy !req
1236. Maxine, I love you!Copy !req
1237. I'm gonna go right back into Malkovich,
and I'm gonna kick Lester out!Copy !req
1238. And then you'll love me again!
Maxine!Copy !req
1239. Maxine!Copy !req
1240. - Ma-Sheen.
- Hey. Malcatraz.Copy !req
1241. - Uh, how are you?
- I'm very well. And you?Copy !req
1242. - Good, good.
- You look well.Copy !req
1243. - Thank you.
- How's Celeste?Copy !req
1244. She's good, yeah.
She's sorry she couldn't make it today.Copy !req
1245. - She had to go to the store.
- Oh, that's okay.Copy !req
1246. Charlie, hi!
I didn't even hear the door.Copy !req
1247. - Lookin' great, Flo.
- I'm looking grateful?Copy !req
1248. Charlie, we are not
getting any younger.Copy !req
1249. Well, don't rub it in.Copy !req
1250. Listen, Charlie,
I know this is going to sound crazy...Copy !req
1251. but what would you think
if I told you that I'd found a way...Copy !req
1252. for us to live forever?Copy !req
1253. All of us.Copy !req
1254. - Johnny boy, what are you talking about?
- All of us.Copy !req
1255. Celeste, Floris, you, me.
Gary Sinise maybe.Copy !req
1256. I don't really understand.Copy !req
1257. Charlie, this... is Emily.Copy !req
1258. Isn't she lovely?Copy !req
1259. Hey, pass the Cheetos.Copy !req
1260. - You need more puffs?
- No, I want more.Copy !req
1261. - Okeydoke. They're covered in grease.
- Shut up.Copy !req
1262. - Can I swim yet?
- Can you swim yet?Copy !req
1263. - What time is it?
- Shall we do the cramp test?Copy !req
1264. Check her.Copy !req
1265. Let me see.
Are you gonna throw up? Let me see!Copy !req
1266. Are you gonna throw up?
Are you gonna vomit?Copy !req
1267. Okay, you can swim.Copy !req
1268. Maxine.Copy !req
1269. Maxine.Copy !req
1270. I love you, Maxine.Copy !req
1271. Oh, look away.Copy !req
1272. Look away.Copy !req
1273. Look away. Look away.Copy !req
1274. Look away. Look away.Copy !req
1275. Look away.Copy !req
1276. Closed-Captioned By
Captions, Inc. Los AngelesCopy !req
1277. &&Copy !req
1278. &&Copy !req