- 1. Oh, that's a big fella.
- 2. Whoa!
- 3. - Looks great.
- Thank you.
- 4. - Happy vacation, honey.
- 5. Manchurian tung oil.
Where did you get this?
- 6. Helen got it for me in Oslo.
- 7. Well, there's enough here
to do the whole table and the bureau.
- 8. Hmm.
- 9. I wonder what this could be.
- 10. - Oh, honey, you got it. Thank you.
- Enough there to do the entire guest room.
- 11. I'm so glad we're spending
our vacation at home.
- 12. - I'm gonna get started right away.
- Well, hey, where are you going?
- 13. - I'll get it.
- Be my guest.
- 14. I'll just get the—
- 15. - Maybe you should get it.
- I'll go.
- 16. Okay. No!
- 17. Oh, no.
- 18. Ugh, Jane.
- 19. It's your turn, honey.
- 20. - Good luck.
- 21. - Hi, Barbara.
- 22. Glad I caught you.
Heard you were on vacation.
- 23. That's right. Complete vacation.
- 24. - Honey, today I'm $260,000.
- No, Jane.
- 25. - It's 6:45 in the morning.
- This offer is real.
- 26. From a man in New York City
who only saw a photograph.
- 27. Jane, don't send people
photos of our house.
- 28. He wants to bring the wife and family
up here for some peace and quiet.
- 29. That's exactly what we're looking for.
- 30. But, Barbara, this house is too big for you.
- 31. It really ought to be
for a couple with a family, you know—?
- 32. Oh, pumpkin, I didn't mean anything.
It's just that this house is too big.
- 33. - I'll see you in a few weeks. Okay?
- 34. - All right.
- Think about it.
- 35. Take care.
- 36. Boo!
- 37. - I was just telling Barbara about this offer—
- No, Jane.
- 38. Adam.
- 39. Barbara, come with me
down to the store.
- 40. - What for?
- I need a new brush for this tung oil.
- 41. - And I want to get a part for the model.
- Well, you just run in, okay?
- 42. Two weeks at home.
The perfect vacation.
- 43. Jane says we should
sell the house to someone with a family.
- 44. Well, I don't think that
it's any of Jane's business.
- 45. Besides, we could try again
on this vacation, you know.
- 46. Oh, really? What are you saying?
- 47. How are you doing, Ernie?
Hi, how are you?
- 48. Morning, Adam.
- 49. - Need a haircut before your vacation?
- No, thanks, Bill.
- 50. - How's the model coming?
- Oh, it's great.
- 51. You know, you said Bozman built that
foundation in 1835. But his grandson...
- 52. He got hair right down
to his goddamn shoulders.
- 53. He says to me, "Just trim it a little."
- 54. - I took the scissors to him so fast—
- See you later, huh, Bill?
- 55. Right.
- 56. This is gonna be great.
- 57. Are you sure you wouldn't rather go
to Jamaica or someplace like that?
- 58. - No way. There's no place like home.
- Hey, look out for that—!
- 59. Perfect start to our vacation.
- 60. Well, you'll feel better
when you're dry, honey.
- 61. That fire wasn't burning when we left.
- 62. - How's your arm?
- I don't know. It feels frozen.
- 63. I'll make some coffee
and you get wood for the fire.
- 64. Maybe we should just take things
- 65. Do you remember how
we got back up here?
- 66. I'm gonna go back down to the bridge
and retrace our steps.
- 67. - You saved my—
- Two hours.
- 68. - Barbara, you are not gonna believe— What?
- That's how long you were gone.
- 69. - What is going on?
- I have to show you something.
- 70. Look.
- 71. There's that.
- 72. And there's that.
- 73. - "Handbook for the Recently Diseased."
- 74. "Deceased."
- 75. I don't know where it came from.
Look at the publisher.
- 76. "Handbook for
the Recently Deceased Press."
- 77. You know what?
I don't think we survived the crash.
- 78. I hate this.
- 79. Just— Can you give me the basics?
- 80. Well, this book isn't arranged that way.
What do you wanna know?
- 81. Well, why did you disappear
when you stepped off the porch?
- 82. Are we halfway to heaven,
are we halfway to hell?
- 83. And how long is this gonna last?
- 84. I don't see anything about heaven or hell.
- 85. This book reads like stereo instructions.
Listen to this:
- 86. "Geographical and Temporal Perimeters.
- 87. Functional perimeters vary from
manifestation to manifestation."
- 88. Oh, this is gonna take some time, honey.
- 89. Damn sandworms. Thirteen percent, huh?
- 90. Well, I better find a job.
Let's see. Business section.
- 91. Ooh-la-la.
- 92. What do we got here?
The Maitlands, huh?
- 93. Cute couple. Look nice and stupid too.
- 94. I wish I had a better view
of the cemetery from here.
- 95. I can't tell which is
the best placement for us.
- 96. Cabin fever, hon?
- 97. Well, I can't clean anything properly.
- 98. The vacuum's out in the garage
and we can't leave the house.
- 99. Why don't they tell us something?
Where are all the other dead people?
- 100. Why is it just you and me?
- 101. Maybe this is heaven.
- 102. In heaven there wouldn't be dust
- 103. It's Jane.
- 104. - God, what's she doing here?
- I don't know. Hey, Jane, up here. Jane.
- 105. - Can't see you, right?
- 106. In the book, rule number two:
"The living usually won't see the dead."
- 107. - Won't or can't?
- It just says "won't."
- 108. God, this book is so stupid.
I can't understand anything in there.
- 109. Barb, honey...
- 110. we're dead.
- 111. I don't think we have very much
to worry about anymore.
- 112. Aah!
- 113. Ah, this is great.
This is just what the doctor ordered.
- 114. Sorry, ma'am.
- 115. Delia Deetz, welcome home.
- 116. Charles.
- 117. It's okay, there's no damage.
Look, see? It's okay.
- 118. Good, sturdy, country craftsmanship.
- 119. And look at that kitchen.
- 120. You're finally gonna be able
to cook a decent meal.
- 121. Come and have a look.
- 122. A little gasoline. Blowtorch. No problem.
- 123. Excuse me. Down we go.
- 124. We'll have to rip out all the plumbing.
- 125. But other than that, it's perfect.
- 126. - What do you think, honey?
- Delia hates it.
- 127. I could live here.
- 128. Careful. That's my sculpture.
- 129. I don't mean "my" as in "I bought it."
I mean I made it. It's my sculpture.
- 130. Put it on the table.
- 131. Ten minutes.
I'm already perfectly at ease.
- 132. It's perfect.
- 133. - Help!
- It's Otho.
- 134. Otho, why don't you just
come in the front?
- 135. It's bad luck.
- 136. Otho, you left the city for me.
I am so happy.
- 137. Of course you are.
- 138. - Delia.
- You're right.
- 139. - Let's get one thing straight.
- You're right.
- 140. - We're here to enjoy the country setting...
- 141. - ... not to trash the place.
- You're right.
- 142. Charles, you're lucky
the yuppies are buying condos...
- 143. so you can afford what I'm going
to have to do to this place.
- 144. Otho, I'm here to relax and clip coupons,
and, damn it, I mean to do it.
- 145. Then go do it quietly, dear,
and let Otho and I think.
- 146. Is the rest of the house as bad as this?
- 147. Is this a punishment or something?
- 148. What are we gonna do?
- 149. We're not completely helpless, Barbara.
- 150. I've been reading that book and there's
a word for people in our situation.
- 151. Ghosts.
- 152. Delia, let's get this show on the road.
- 153. We're dealing with
negative entertainment potential.
- 154. I mean, there's absolutely
no organic flow-through.
- 155. I noticed that too.
It's like a giant ant farm.
- 156. - What?
- I thought I saw something.
- 157. You've read my mind.
- 158. - I did?
- So few clients are able to read my mind.
- 159. They're just not open to the experience.
- 160. Hmm.
- 161. My God.
- 162. We just have to pray the other closets
are bigger than this one.
- 163. Ooh, look.
- 164. Ozzie and Harriet.
- 165. Ugh.
- 166. - What happened to these people?
- They died.
- 167. Oh, look, an indoor outhouse.
- 168. - Otho.
- 169. Viridian. Now, why do I know that name?
- 170. Blue-green.
- 171. Hydrated chromic oxide.
- 172. Remember, I'm schooled in chemistry.
I was a hair analyst.
- 173. - What?
- 174. Yuck. Deliver me from L.L. Bean.
- 175. - Boo!
- 176. I know what you two are up to
and you're not gonna get away with it.
- 177. Oh, honey, this is not working out at all.
- 178. Charles, I will not stop living and breathing
art just because you need to relax.
- 179. Ha.
- 180. I'm here.
I will live with you in this hellhole.
- 181. But I must express myself.
If you don't let me gut out this house...
- 182. and make it my own, I will go insane
and I will take you with me!
- 183. Yeah. Well, you know, maybe the house
could use a little remodeling.
- 184. Uh, but why don't you just leave
this room alone, okay?
- 185. Okay.
- 186. I'm gonna get her.
- 187. So?
- 188. Once you cover up the wallpaper,
knock down a few walls...
- 189. this place might just be livable.
- 190. - What's on the third floor?
- Attic space.
- 191. Oh, I forgot to lock the attic door.
- 192. - Did you feel something?
- 193. - You don't have a key?
- Maybe Charles does.
- 194. I have a feeling there's something
very interesting behind this door.
- 195. Yeah, ghosts of the people who died
in this house, and they want us out of here.
- 196. So let's do them a favor.
- 197. My God, that was close.
- 198. I cannot watch this.
- 199. What's the good of being a ghost
if you can't frighten people away?
- 200. - Honey.
- No, I'm not putting up with this.
- 201. - Barbara, you don't know what's out there.
- I don't care.
- 202. Barbara!
- 203. Adam.
- 204. - Adam?
- 205. Adam!
- 206. - Adam. Oh, help.
- 207. Help, I'm getting all yellow.
- 208. Adam!
- 209. Oh, Adam.
- 210. We're trapped in this house
with those people.
- 211. I can't believe we're eating Cantonese.
Is there no Sichuan up here?
- 212. Plan to have a stroke from the amount
of MSG that's in this food.
- 213. This is our first meal in this house...
- 214. so why don't we all do our little private
parts to make it a pleasant one?
- 215. Don't bait your mother, pumpkin.
- 216. Soon as we get settled, we'll build you
a darkroom in the basement, okay?
- 217. My whole life is a darkroom.
- 218. One big dark room.
- 219. So you were miserable
in New York City...
- 220. and now you're going to be miserable
out here in the sticks.
- 221. At least someone's life
hasn't been upheaved.
- 222. I'm perfectly happy here.
Those people in New York...
- 223. they just don't know
what they're missing.
- 224. You know, we could become
The Summer Art Center of New York.
- 225. I could start sculpting again.
I'm only truly happy when I'm sculpting.
- 226. That's a very good idea.
That'll be, um, ahem, very time-consuming.
- 227. First the house.
Otho and I have some great plans.
- 228. I think we should keep it the way it is.
- 229. Good idea.
- 230. Furniture truck is coming. We're gonna
have to decide what goes and what stays.
- 231. Everything goes,
along with whatever's in the attic.
- 232. Put it up. Come on.
- 233. Careful.
- 234. You see, if you tell me what you do
I'll tell you why my husband will fire you.
- 235. - isn't there an index or something?
- No, nothing.
- 236. All right, now.
- 237. What's this?
- 238. No, no, I'm sorry.
That does not go there.
- 239. Do you know where that's going?
Did anyone tell you where to—?
- 240. Why are there only three sculptures?
There were four sculptures here.
- 241. Where's the fourth sculpture? No!
- 242. No, what are you doing?
- 243. Excuse me. Put it down.
- 244. "Betelgeuse, the bio-exorcist.
Troubled by the living?
- 245. Is death a problem and not the solution?
Unhappy with eternity?
- 246. Having difficulty adjusting?
- 247. - Put it down.
- Betelgeu— Betel—
- 248. That's it?
There's no number or instructions?
- 249. Nothing. The "bio-exorcist." I don't get it.
- 250. - Would you put that down?
- Straight back.
- 251. Why is that still up there?
- 252. Why don't you guys take a break
for about half an hour, okay?
- 253. Uh-huh.
- 254. Jesus Christ!
- 255. What are you doing? Put that down.
- 256. What the hell are you doing out there?
- 257. - Listen to me. No!
- 258. Why are you doing this to me?
This is my art and it is dangerous.
- 259. Do you think I want to die like this?
- 260. - No, no.
- Hi. How are you?
- 261. That little girl saw us.
- 262. - Honey, nobody can see us.
- But she did.
- 263. - What happened to the previous owners?
- They drowned.
- 264. Yes, they were family. I was devastated.
- 265. - Here, take that.
- Is this the key to the attic?
- 266. That's a skeleton key.
That key will open any door in the house.
- 267. Give that to your father.
- 268. And you might mention that I
single-handedly decorated that house.
- 269. In case he needs any advice in that arena,
have him come see me.
- 270. Don't worry. I locked the door.
- 271. Having trouble with the living?
You tired of having your home violated?
- 272. You want to get rid of them
pesky living critters?
- 273. Well, come on down and see me, folks,
I'm the afterlife's leading bio-exorcist.
- 274. Yes, sirree. Come on down here
and I want to tell you, I'll do anything.
- 275. I'll scare them real bad. The point is, folks,
I'm gonna do anything to get your business.
- 276. Hell, I'll possess myself if I gotta.
- 277. Wow! Yo, I got demons
running all through me.
- 278. All through me.
Come on down here and see it.
- 279. And hey, if you act now, you get a free
demon possession with every exorcism.
- 280. You can't beat that, can you?
- 281. And bring the little pards down.
- 282. Hell, we got plenty of snakes and lizards
for them to play with. No problem at all.
- 283. So say it once, say it twice,
third time's the charm. And remember:
- 284. I'll eat anything you want me to eat
Swallow anything you want me to swallow
- 285. So come on down, I'll chew on the dog
- 286. We need some help. I read something in
this book this morning about emergencies.
- 287. All right, here it is.
"In case of emergency, draw a door."
- 288. "Draw a door"? I don't know why
we keep looking in that stupid book.
- 289. Hey, maybe we should try
that "Beetle" guy.
- 290. Oh.
- 291. You didn't actually think
that was gonna work, did you?
- 292. Aha!
- 293. "Knock three times."
- 294. Blugh.
- 295. Birdies.
- 296. Get it.
- 297. Dad.
- 298. - Can't you see I'm relaxing in here?
- Well, I wanna tell you what I saw.
- 299. What is the point of my coming up here
if you people won't let me relax?
- 300. Pumpkin, sweetheart...
- 301. go help your mother.
- 302. Maybe you can relax in a haunted house,
but I can't.
- 303. Hmm.
- 304. Nice building. Bad roof. Good parking.
- 305. - Adam?
- This way, honey.
- 306. You don't have an appointment, do you?
- 307. Well, we didn't know how to make one.
- 308. - Appointment for what?
- What do you want?
- 309. - We need some help.
- Ha! Already?
- 310. You just bit the big one two months ago
and you want help.
- 311. What does that have
to do with anything?
- 312. You're gonna use up
all your help vouchers: D-90s.
- 313. You spend 125 years on Earth
actually in that house...
- 314. during which you get only three
class-one D-90 intercessions with Juno.
- 315. You probably haven't even read through
the manual completely yet.
- 316. You'll have to wait if you don't have
- 317. - An appointment with whom?
- For Juno, your caseworker.
- 318. Number 54,000,601. Ferndock.
- 319. - Want a cigarette?
- Uh, no, thank you.
- 320. Trying to cut down myself.
- 321. Adam, is this what happens
when you die?
- 322. This is what happens when you die.
- 323. That is what happens when he dies.
And that is what happens when they die.
- 324. It's all very personal.
And I'll tell you something.
- 325. If I knew then what I know now,
I wouldn't have had my little accident.
- 326. Maitland. Party of two.
- 327. Take the handbook
and go to the sixth door.
- 328. Oh, we forgot our handbook.
- 329. Come on.
- 330. All new arrivals,
report to Waiting Room Number 8.
- 331. Flight 409 is arriving at Gate 3.
- 332. How do I look?
There are no mirrors on this side.
- 333. - Fine. You look fine.
- 334. - Fine.
- Thanks. I've been feeling a little flat.
- 335. Will the Peterson party
report to Door Number 9?
- 336. Peterson party,
please report to Door Number 9.
- 337. All new arrivals,
report to Waiting Room Number 8.
- 338. A hundred and 25 years.
I can't believe this.
- 339. I can't believe they didn't tell us.
- 340. Oh, Adam, what is this?
- 341. That's the Lost Souls' Room.
- 342. A room for ghosts
that have been exorcised.
- 343. Poor devils.
- 344. That's death for the dead.
- 345. It's all in the handbook.
- 346. Keep moving.
- 347. Five.
- 348. This is the sixth door.
- 349. Boy, oh, boy, this place just gets weirder
- 350. Barbara.
- 351. We're home.
- 352. Look at this place. Everything's different.
- 353. All our furniture's gone.
- 354. How long do you suppose
we were waiting there?
- 355. Three months.
- 356. I'd almost given up on you.
I was about to leave.
- 357. I do have other clients.
- 358. - Are you Juno, our caseworker?
- 359. I evaluate individual cases
- 360. if help is needed,
deserved and available.
- 361. - Are you available?
- 362. - What's wrong?
- We're very unhappy.
- 363. What did you expect? You're dead.
- 364. We want to get rid of the people
who moved in here.
- 365. Barbara and I worked very hard
on this house.
- 366. We probably wouldn't mind sharing
the house with people who were—
- 367. - More like you used to be.
- 368. But these people...
- 369. Things seem pretty quiet here.
- 370. You should thank God
you didn't die in ltaly.
- 371. The Deetzes.
- 372. - Okay, have you been studying the manual?
- Well, we tried.
- 373. The intermediate interface chapter
on haunting says it all.
- 374. Get them out yourselves. It's your house.
- 375. Haunted houses aren't easy to come by.
- 376. - Well, we don't quite get it.
- I heard.
- 377. Tore your faces right off.
- 378. It doesn't do any good
to pull your heads off in front of people...
- 379. if they can't see you.
- 380. - We should start more simply?
- Start simply.
- 381. Do what you know.
Use your talents. Practice.
- 382. You should have been studying
those lessons since day one.
- 383. - Ooh. I've got to go.
- What about that guy in the flyer, Betel—?
- 384. Shh!
- 385. Don't even say his name.
You don't want his help.
- 386. - Well—
- We might.
- 387. No, you don't.
He does not work well with others.
- 388. What do you mean?
- 389. I didn't want to bring it up.
- 390. But rather than have you stumble onto it
and make another mistake, I'll tell you.
- 391. He was my assistant.
- 392. But he was a troublemaker.
He went out on his own...
- 393. as a freelance bio-exorcist.
- 394. Claimed he could get rid of the living.
Got into more trouble.
- 395. In fact, I believe he's been
sleazing around your cemetery lately.
- 396. The only way he can be brought back...
- 397. is by calling his name three times.
- 398. But I strongly suggest...
- 399. that you remove
the Deetzes yourselves.
- 400. Well, how do we contact you
if we need you again?
- 401. Oh, Adam, that guy's in our cemetery.
- 402. She's right, honey. We just have to
keep this simple. We can do this. Come on.
- 403. Hey, you. Hey, come here.
- 404. Hungry?
- 405. Come on. Hey, come here.
- 406. I got something good for you.
Come on. Come on over.
- 407. We'll have a little bite,
you'll have something to nosh.
- 408. - Come here.
- Help me. Help me. Help me.
- 409. Maxie, have I not always made you money?
I think that's the only real question here.
- 410. Well, Charles,
nobody made me money like you.
- 411. I mean, before your nerves went,
you were a demon.
- 412. It's just that Winter River, Connecticut
is, if you'll forgive me, nowhere.
- 413. Why would I wanna invest
that kind of money in an old building...
- 414. - ... way the hell up there?
- It's not a building. That's the beauty of it.
- 415. These people don't know the value of
their property. I can buy the whole town.
- 416. Oh, then we own a whole town
in the middle of nowhere.
- 417. Max, you've got to come up here
- 418. And, uh, bring Sarah.
- 419. Yeah, all right, Charles.
It's just that I am kind of busy here.
- 420. Uh, just a minute, Maxie.
- 421. Now, listen. Enough of this talk
about visiting, okay? I gotta go.
- 422. You take it easy up there, big fellow.
- 423. - Goodbye.
- Uh, Max, wait, wait, wait.
- 424. Putz.
- 425. Jeez, Lydia, is Connecticut so boring?
I had Maxie Dean on the phone, honey.
- 426. Dad's found a way of making some money
while I relax, so would you scram?
- 427. Your mother's gonna kill you when she sees
you cut holes in her $300 sheets.
- 428. This is so corny. Is this what
we've been reduced to? Sheets?
- 429. Think of them as death shrouds.
- 430. And the moaning is important.
- 431. God, how can he stand that woman?
- 432. Cut it out. I'm a child, for God's sakes.
- 433. I feel so stupid.
It's not stupid. We're ghosts.
- 434. Do you want to spend the next 125 years
having breakfast with this woman?
- 435. Moan louder.
- 436. Oh, God.
- 437. Sick. Sexual perversion.
- 438. If you guys are gonna do that weird
sexual stuff, do it in your own bedroom.
- 439. No feet.
- 440. Are you the guys hiding out in the attic?
- 441. We're ghosts.
- 442. Whoo!
- 443. - What do you look like under there?
- Aren't you scared?
- 444. I'm not scared of sheets.
Are you gross under there?
- 445. Are you Night of the Living Dead
- 446. Like all bloody veins and pus?
- 447. - Night of the what?
- Living Dead. It's a movie.
- 448. If I had seen a ghost at your age,
I would have been scared out of my wits.
- 449. You're not gross.
Why are you wearing sheets?
- 450. We're practicing.
- 451. - You can see us without the sheets?
- Of course I can see you.
- 452. Well, how is it that you see us
and nobody else can?
- 453. Well, I read through that
Handbook for the Recently Deceased.
- 454. It says, "Live people ignore
the strange and unusual."
- 455. I myself am strange and unusual.
- 456. You look like a regular girl to me.
- 457. - You read our book?
- 458. - You could follow it?
- Yeah. Why were you in Delia's bedroom?
- 459. - We were trying to scare your mother.
- 460. Anyway, you can't scare her.
She's sleeping with Prince Valium tonight.
- 461. You did this? You carved all these
little houses and things?
- 462. Mm-hm.
- 463. And this used to be your house.
- 464. Why do you want to scare everybody?
- 465. Well, we wanted to frighten you
so you would move out.
- 466. You don't know the Deetzes very well.
- 467. My father bought this place.
He never walks away from equity.
- 468. - Why don't you leave?
- We can't.
- 469. We haven't left the house
since the funeral.
- 470. Funeral.
- 471. God. You guys really are dead.
- 472. This is amazing.
- 473. Lydia.
- 474. - I better go.
- 475. - Don't tell your parents that we're up here.
- Unless you think it'll frighten them away.
- 476. You tell them that we are horrible...
- 477. desperate, ghoulish creatures who will
stop at nothing to get our house back.
- 478. What if this is a dream? Can you guys do
any tricks to prove I'm not dreaming?
- 479. Well, if you are real ghosts, you guys better
get another routine because those sheets...
- 480. they don't work.
- 481. Ghosts.
- 482. You're telling me we have ghosts
in this house.
- 483. Those pictures are of ghosts. Are they?
- 484. Ghosts.
- 485. Lydia, I am giving a dinner party
tonight for seven people.
- 486. My agent, Bernard, is bringing a woman
who writes for Art in America.
- 487. In fact, no one dining here this evening
has not been in Vanity Fair except you.
- 488. I told them you were too mean
to be afraid.
- 489. Don't you dare speak to others about me.
- 490. Being embarrassed in front of the few
people who will set foot in here scares me.
- 491. So let's play family just for tonight, hmm?
- 492. Lydia's trying, but they don't believe her.
- 493. She's got photos, Barbara.
- 494. Adam, you had a photo of Bigfoot.
- 495. My photo of Bigfoot is a different story.
- 496. Anyhow, we've gotta get some help here.
- 497. We've gotta contact this guy, Betelmeyer,
- 498. Adam.
- 499. Look.
- 500. It's him. Betelgeuse.
- 501. Betelgeuse.
- 502. Go ahead, Barbara, say it.
- 503. Betelgeuse.
- 504. What happened?
- 505. I think we're in the model.
- 506. Hey, look at that.
- 507. Well, where is he? What do we do?
- 508. Looks like we dig, Barbara.
- 509. Oh, it's about time.
- 510. - I say we open it.
- Maybe we should knock first.
- 511. Yeah.
- 512. Adam. Babs.
- 513. Boy, do you know how to pick them. Is this
relationship solid? Do I have a shot at her?
- 514. - Excuse me.
- Sure. Am I overstepping my bounds?
- 515. Just tell me. Come on.
Know what's beautiful about this?
- 516. You two kids picked me.
You didn't have to, but you picked me.
- 517. It makes me want to kiss you guys.
Come on, give me one.
- 518. - No!
- I beg your pardon.
- 519. All right, let's get down to business.
- 520. I've got a card here somewhere.
Here. Who do I have to kill?
- 521. Here, hold that for me, will you?
- 522. - There you go.
- You don't have to kill anybody.
- 523. Ah, possession. Good.
- 524. Learn to throw your voice.
Fool your friends. Fun at parties.
- 525. No. We just wanna
get some people out of our house.
- 526. I understand. Well, look, in order to do that,
I'm gonna have to get to know you guys.
- 527. We've got to get closer.
Move in with you for a while.
- 528. Get to be real pals.
You know what I'm saying? In—
- 529. Save that guy for later, huh?
- 530. My wife and I would like to ask
a couple of questions.
- 531. - Sure, sure, sure. Go ahead. Shoot.
- For instance, what are your qualifications?
- 532. Ah. Well, I attended Juilliard.
- 533. I'm a graduate of
the Harvard Business School.
- 534. I lived through the Black Plague.
And I had a pretty good time during that.
- 535. I've seen The Exorcist about 167 times...
- 536. and it keeps getting funnier
every single time I see it.
- 537. Not to mention the fact
that you're talking to a dead guy.
- 538. Now, what do you think?
You think I'm qualified?
- 539. What I mean is, can you be scary?
- 540. Oh! Oh.
- 541. I know what you're asking me.
Can I be scary?
- 542. What do you think of this?
- 543. You like it?
- 544. - Will you excuse us, please?
- Sure. Talk amongst yourself.
- 545. - Adam, let's go.
- I know, but I think he can be useful later.
- 546. - We can work something out.
- Oh, yeah.
- 547. Hey, hey, hey.
- 548. - What?
- Excuse me. We are leaving now.
- 549. Oh, come on. Don't go yet.
- 550. Hey, guy, come on. We're simpatico here.
- 551. Look at us, huh?
We even shop at the same store.
- 552. Hey, hermano.
- 553. Yeah, there you go.
- 554. Hey, come on. We're like peas in a pod,
the three of us. Let's face it.
- 555. You want somebody out of the house.
I want to get somebody out of your house.
- 556. Look. We've been to Saturn.
Hey, I've been to Saturn.
- 557. Whoa. Sandworms.
- 558. You hate them, right?
I hate them myself.
- 559. Come on, kids, what do I have to do
to strike a deal with you two, huh?
- 560. - Don't you hate it when that happens?
- Let's go.
- 561. Wait a minute. Just come up for a while.
We'll talk inside. Come on. Come on.
- 562. - I'm not staying here.
- The place is a mess.
- 563. - We have to get out of here.
- I'll fix you something to eat.
- 564. Home. Home. Home.
- 565. - Barbara, how did you do that?
- Hope you like ltalian.
- 566. Where'd you go? Hey, come on.
Hey, where'd you go?
- 567. Hey. Come on.
You've got to work with me here.
- 568. I'm just trying to cut a deal.
What do you want me to do?
- 569. Where are you?
- 570. You bunch of losers!
- 571. You're working with a professional here.
- 572. Nice fucking model.
- 573. See, we can do this stuff on our own.
- 574. Besides, I'm not exposing
that little girl to that pervert down there.
- 575. Barbara, we did call him,
and he seemed awfully pissed off.
- 576. I don't care. I've changed my mind.
- 577. Listen, I think we can scare them off
- 578. I have an idea.
- 579. I think what you did with the place
- 580. Not me. Them.
- 581. - So?
- Oh. Um...
- 582. Uh...
- 583. You like them.
- 584. I just hope it wasn't yet another
of your dreary suicide attempts.
- 585. You know what they say about people
who commit suicide?
- 586. In the afterlife,
they become civil servants.
- 587. Otho, I didn't realize
you were into the supernatural.
- 588. Well, of course. You remember.
- 589. After my stint with The Living Theatre...
- 590. I was one of New York City's
leading paranormal researchers...
- 591. until the bottom dropped out in '72.
- 592. Paranormal? Is that what
they're calling your kind these days?
- 593. Don't mind her. She's still upset because
somebody dropped a house on her sister.
- 594. Well, this looks really good.
- 595. I saw some ghosts.
- 596. - It's a little private joke Lydia and I share.
- It's not a joke.
- 597. Yes, it is. Just today she tried
to convince me that this house is haunted.
- 598. Kids. You know, I love them.
- 599. - By ghosts?
- In designer sheets, no less.
- 600. I'd like to propose a toast
to our intrepid friends...
- 601. who braved the expressway
and two dozen tollbooths to be with us.
- 602. May your buildings go condo.
- 603. Now, Lydia, favor us about your ghosts.
- 604. No. I am sick of that subject.
- 605. Oh, Delia, lighten up.
- 606. I would rather talk about—
- 607. That's cute, Delia.
- 608. Otho, are you doing this?
- 609. We did it.
- 610. Let's watch them scatter.
- 611. Any minute now they're gonna come
running out of that door screaming.
- 612. Any minute now.
- 613. It's me, Lydia.
- 614. They want you to come downstairs.
- 615. Delia says you can wear
any sheets you want.
- 616. It was like being in an amusement park.
- 617. Wham!
- 618. - I didn't even know I could do the Calypso.
- Who has more fun than us?
- 619. We're dealing with
Tracy and Hepburn here.
- 620. A very sophisticated pair.
I mean, they even appear in sheets.
- 621. Charles, what I wanna know is
why didn't you tell us about this before?
- 622. Well, we're not even sure
we want our secret out.
- 623. I mean, everyone's gonna want them
for their parties, ha, ha.
- 624. People will pay big money for this, Grace.
- 625. The Enquirer is offering $50,000
for proof of life after death.
- 626. Fifty thousand?
- 627. This is it, Charles.
You can get Maxie Dean up here now.
- 628. - You think so?
- Sarah loves the supernatural.
- 629. She'll have him sprint up here
in his helicopter...
- 630. if you can produce ghosts for her.
- 631. Oh, Charles.
- 632. I should remind you all
that I am Delia's agent.
- 633. I have consistently lost money
on her work for years.
- 634. If anything actually happened here,
I shall handle it.
- 635. But not until I've seen some real proof.
- 636. - But, Bernard, what about this table?
- What just happened, what was that?
- 637. And what money?
Don't you believe in my work?
- 638. Uh-uh-uh!
- 639. Here's Lydia.
- 640. - Well?
- They don't want to come down.
- 641. Charles.
- 642. Why not?
- 643. I think the reason is that they were trying to
scare you away, and you didn't get scared.
- 644. Please, they're dead.
It's a little late to be neurotic.
- 645. All right.
- 646. This was not a hallucination.
This was real.
- 647. We all just experienced a very super-powerful
paranormal experience and it was real.
- 648. Delia, you are a flake.
You have always been a flake.
- 649. If you insist on frightening people,
do it with your sculpture.
- 650. Drive carefully.
- 651. - I'm dead.
- Where do they hide out?
- 652. - The attic.
- The attic's locked.
- 653. They're ghosts, Dad.
They can do what they want.
- 654. Yeah, they do whatever they want.
Lydia, you take us up there right now.
- 655. Fabulous. Otho Fenlock's
"Locked Door Ghosts."
- 656. Probably committed suicide up there.
- 657. - I'm totally enchanted.
- They're in there?
- 658. - They must live like animals.
- It's locked. How did they get in?
- 659. Open this door, you dead people,
or we'll bust it down...
- 660. and drag you out by the ropes
you hanged yourself with.
- 661. - They didn't commit suicide.
- It doesn't matter.
- 662. I have a chance to teach you something.
Take the upper hand in all situations...
- 663. or people, whether dead or alive,
will walk all over you.
- 664. Open up!
- 665. So where are they?
- 666. Listen, you guys, these ghosts
are really nice people.
- 667. I think we scared them away,
so let's just leave them alone, all right?
- 668. It's the whole damn town.
- 669. I have never been so embarrassed.
They haven't gone for good, have they?
- 670. Hmm.
- 671. - Beep, beep.
- Dad, don't. Mom, let's just go.
- 672. No ghosts here.
- 673. Come on. If they are in here,
I don't want to scare them away.
- 674. Well, we're leaving now.
You can go about your business.
- 675. What are we doing?
Quick, quick, quick.
- 676. Oh, boy. You guys are really a couple of
spooksters, aren't you?
- 677. Now, let's turn on the juice
and see what shakes loose.
- 678. Otho, you get Maxie on the phone.
We've really got something here.
- 679. We can turn this place into the world's
leading supernatural research center.
- 680. An amusement park. I'll do a presentation.
Lydia will bring the ghosts.
- 681. I can't bring the ghosts, Dad.
They're not here.
- 682. - Otho, can't you do something?
- Perhaps. If I'm properly motivated.
- 683. Just what type of motivation
do you require, Otho?
- 684. Why don't you leave them alone?
They didn't do anything to you.
- 685. Hi.
- 686. Whoa!
- 687. We've come for your daughter, Chuck.
- 688. Stop. Stop.
- 689. Yeah.
- 690. - Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse.
- Oh, no.
- 691. Why are you doing this?
- 692. Leave me alone, all of you.
- 693. Great choice we got here.
We spend the next century...
- 694. either hanging out the window
or doing parlor tricks.
- 695. Maybe they'll leave now.
That snake was a nasty customer.
- 696. - Well, he could've hurt somebody.
- But he didn't.
- 697. We've got them
right where we want them.
- 698. You bunch of losers. How dare you interrupt
a professional while he's working.
- 699. I'm not fond of Charles Deetz,
but you could've killed him.
- 700. Hey, I'm just doing my job.
Besides, I thought we had a deal.
- 701. Hey, it's okay. You know why?
- 702. I don't wanna do business
with you deadbeats anyway, thank you.
- 703. The only one I think I can deal with
is Edgar Allan Poe's daughter.
- 704. - I think she understands me.
- You leave her alone, you—
- 705. Ow!
- 706. Go ahead, make my millennium.
- 707. Yeah.
- 708. I'm feeling a little, uh, ooh, anxious,
if you know what I mean.
- 709. It's been about 600 years, after all.
- 710. I wonder where a guy,
an everyday Joe like myself...
- 711. can find a little action.
- 712. Hi.
- 713. Yeah.
- 714. Come on. Come on in.
- 715. Oh, yeah. Here I come, baby.
- 716. Oh, yeah. Hey, Adam, nice move.
- 717. - Adam, why did you build that?
- I didn't.
- 718. All new arrivals report
to Waiting Room Number 8.
- 719. Will you guys shut up
and leave me alone?
- 720. I've got all this paperwork to do.
- 721. You two, come in here. Sit down.
- 722. Get in here, both of you.
- 723. The whorehouse was my idea.
I want Betelgeuse out of the picture.
- 724. You two have really screwed up.
- 725. I received word you allowed yourselves
to be photographed.
- 726. And you let Betelgeuse out
and didn't put him back.
- 727. And you let Otho
get hold of the handbook.
- 728. The handbook? When?
- 729. Never trust the living.
- 730. We cannot have
a routine haunting like yours...
- 731. provide proof that there is existence
- 732. - Coach. Coach, where's the men's room?
- 733. I'm not your coach. He survived.
- 734. Wait, coach, let me get something straight.
- 735. - What's our curfew around here?
- Will you get out of here?
- 736. Go on, get downstairs. "Men's room."
- 737. Are you kidding? Can't you read signs?
- 738. I'll be right back.
- 739. Come on. Get out of my way.
- 740. Maybe this was all a bad idea.
- 741. I didn't say anything.
- 742. Oh, who are we kidding, Charles?
You've never had a bad idea.
- 743. Yeah?
- 744. Yeah, this could all work out.
- 745. Home.
- 746. Though...
- 747. I'm not sure that this is
the right environment for Lydia.
- 748. - Snakes. Ghosts.
- 749. You family types.
- 750. You've got other things to worry about.
Maxie Dean's coming up here tonight.
- 751. You've got to figure out a way to sell
these ghosts. I can only do so much.
- 752. What are you gonna do, Otho?
Viciously rearrange their environment?
- 753. I know just as much about the supernatural
as I do about interior design.
- 754. "I am...
- 755. alone."
- 756. "I am...
- 757. utterly...
- 758. alone.
- 759. By the time...
- 760. you read this...
- 761. I will...
- 762. be gone...
- 763. having jumped—
- 764. Having plummeted...
- 765. off...
- 766. the Winter River Bridge."
- 767. So I don't care what it takes.
- 768. You get the Deetzes out of there now.
- 769. - Flight 409 arriving.
- Whoa, wait a minute.
- 770. - Flight 409 is arriving.
- What are you going to do?
- 771. To scare them.
- 772. I want to make sure
it's not some silly parlor trick.
- 773. I'll go first, honey.
- 774. Not bad. Not bad. Now you.
- 775. Go ahead.
- 776. Okay, you look great.
- 777. Now, go clean house and don't forget
the photographs and the damned handbook.
- 778. Please report to Door Number 9.
- 779. All new arrivals,
report to Waiting Room Number 8.
- 780. - Coach?
- 781. I don't think we survived that crash.
- 782. How did you guess?
- 783. Mr. And Mrs. Maitland?
- 784. Hello?
- 785. - Where are you?
- 786. Dead, dead, deadski.
- 787. Of course they're dead. They're ghosts.
- 788. No, I mean they're gone. Split.
Out of here. Afterlife kids.
- 789. - Deceased.
- Are you a ghost too?
- 790. I'm the ghost with the most, babe.
- 791. You know, you look like somebody
I can relate to.
- 792. Maybe you could help me get out of here,
you know, because...
- 793. I gotta tell you, this, uh, death thing—
- 794. It's just too creepy.
- 795. See, here's my problem.
- 796. I got these friends on the outside
that I said I'd meet.
- 797. You know, I have to be there
in person, you know.
- 798. So I was just wondering,
could you help me get out of here?
- 799. I wanna get in.
- 800. Why?
- 801. Well, you know...
- 802. hey, you've probably got your reasons,
but I can't do anything from over here.
- 803. If you could get me out, over there,
then maybe we could talk or something.
- 804. But, you know, in order to do that
you've gotta say my name three times.
- 805. What's your name?
- 806. - Well, uh, I can't tell you.
- Why not?
- 807. Because if I tell you, you'll tell your friends,
they're calling me on the horn all the time.
- 808. I've gotta show up at shopping centers
for openings, sign autographs, shit like that.
- 809. And it makes my life a hell, okay?
A living hell.
- 810. But maybe if you have a pen, maybe
we can— I know. You ever play charades?
- 811. - Yeah.
- Good. Good.
- 812. Ahh, here we go then. Ready?
- 813. - Um, two words.
- 814. First word, two syllables.
- 815. Look.
- 816. You know, just turn around.
- 817. I don't know what your signal means.
- 818. Turn around and look behind you.
- 819. Hi. How are you?
- 820. - Beetle.
- Got it. Okay, now, two.
- 821. Breakfast? Orange? Orange beetle?
- 822. Beetle fruit?
- 823. Beetle breakfast?
- 824. Beetle drink?
- 825. Beetle—
- 826. Beetle juice?
- 827. - Yes. That's it.
- Your name's Betelgeuse?
- 828. You said it twice.
Just say it once more. Come on.
- 829. It was you, wasn't it?
- 830. - Wha—? Me?
- The snake.
- 831. No, what snake?
You kids and your imagination.
- 832. Just say it.
- 833. No.
- 834. I want to talk to Barbara.
- 835. No, you don't need to talk to Barbara.
Just say it.
- 836. Oh, Adam, I can't go through with it.
I like that little girl.
- 837. But, Barbara, honey, it's too late.
We have to go through with this.
- 838. No, we don't.
I mean, can't we rebel or something?
- 839. Barbara.
- 840. Adam, I want to be with Lydia.
- 841. Come on. Just say it.
- 842. No!
No! Lydia, don't say it.
- 843. You. Say it.
- 844. It's okay. It's okay. It's us.
What's going on?
- 845. - Betel—
- 846. He told me that if I let him out he would
take me to the other side to find you.
- 847. No, Lydia, we're dead.
- 848. - I wanna be dead too.
- 849. Lydia...
- 850. being dead really doesn't
make things any easier.
- 851. Listen to her on this, Lydia.
This is something we know a lot about.
- 852. And you can come up here
and visit us anytime you want.
- 853. I have a feeling things are going to be
a little better around here from now on.
- 854. What do you mean, better?
- 855. Well, we've decided that we're going to
invite you and your family to stay.
- 856. That's right, Lydia.
- 857. - Why can't we bring Maxie up here?
- You've got a stake in this too.
- 858. This is a presentation. It requires
a sense of occasion, a sense of style.
- 859. - It's so big. How will we get it out?
- It's sectional.
- 860. - Wait, there are plugs.
- 861. Okay, go.
- 862. - What's going on?
- I don't know. I'll go find out.
- 863. Be careful.
- 864. We've got Ed Cornwall
to head the wax museum...
- 865. dedicated to 50 great moments
of the paranormal here in Thanksgiving Park.
- 866. Now, you must remember Ed, Maxie.
- 867. He's the genius who gave us the talking
Marcel Marceau statue. It was a sensation.
- 868. And d-CON is on its knees
to sponsor the insect zoo...
- 869. here in the old hardware store.
- 870. We can't lose.
- 871. Lydia, you finally decided to join us.
- 872. Honey, I just, uh, finished
the initial presentation.
- 873. And now I think it's time
to have a stretch...
- 874. and to invite our friends
to meet your friends, okay?
- 875. Are they here yet?
- 876. Charles, we're here to see some ghosts.
- 877. They're not here anymore.
- 878. Every time she says that,
the paint peels...
- 879. and, uh, some wild creature
tries to kill us.
- 880. But we have these pictures, Lydia.
- 881. No, really. They said they might come back
and we could all live here...
- 882. if you agreed not to tease them
or make them do stupid tricks.
- 883. She has such a tendency to overreact.
- 884. Don't worry, we're not relying on her.
We have Otho.
- 885. - Are they still here, Otho?
- Otho, are they still here?
- 886. Oh, they're still here.
They're just hiding out.
- 887. Probably feel guilty
about what they did to me.
- 888. They're sorry they didn't kill you.
- 889. Well, I don't know from guilt.
I just wanna see them.
- 890. Otho, can you do it?
- 891. - It'll be tricky, but I think I can handle it.
- 892. Wait. What am I worried about?
Otho, you can't even change a tire.
- 893. I'll be needing
something personal of theirs.
- 894. You'll have to go to the Goodwill.
- 895. Excuse me.
- 896. The wedding clothes.
- 897. The words:
- 898. Hands vermilion
- 899. Start of five
- 900. Bright cotillion
- 901. Raven's dive
- 902. Nightshade's promise
- 903. Spirits strive
- 904. To the living
Let now the dead come alive
- 905. Barbara?
- 906. As sudden thunder pierces night
- 907. As magic wonder mad affright
- 908. Rives asunder man's delight
- 909. Our ghost, our corpse
- 910. And we rise to be
- 911. Oh, no.
- 912. Help.
- 913. Barbara?
- 914. - Stop it.
- 915. No.
- 916. As flies the lizard
- 917. Serpent fell
- 918. As goblin vizard at the spell
- 919. The buried, dead and slain rise again
- 920. Barbara?
- 921. What's happening to them?
- 922. I don't know.
- 923. They're dying.
- 924. No, they're not. They're already dead.
They can't feel a thing.
- 925. - That's not true. Look at them.
- All right, that's enough now.
- 926. Can you stop this?
- 927. Otho.
- 928. It's too late, Charles. I'm sorry.
- 929. Where are you? Help them, please.
- 930. Sure, I can help them.
But you've gotta help me.
- 931. - What?
- Look, I'm what you call an illegal alien.
- 932. I want out for good. In order for me
to do that, hey, I gotta get married.
- 933. Hey, these aren't my rules.
Come to think of it, I don't have any rules.
- 934. Come on. Come on.
- 935. Think of it as a marriage of inconvenience.
Okay? We both get something. I get out.
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