Beef (2014)

1. I'm Lou, and this is my butcher shop.

2. I run it with my family,

3. Frank,

4. Anthony, Denise,

5. Manny and the guy, Lynn Vanderloo, out back.

6. You got a beef, you come see me.

7. My deli, my rules.

8. It feels like I'm on trial here.

9. You are.

10. Hey, Manny. Hey, Rose.

11. Hey, Rose! Hey, Aunt Rose!

12. Hey, I got a list of stuff that Mikey wants for his party.

13. Now I gotta throw a party for a guy

14. just 'cause he's getting out of jail.

15. Shit, I love parties!

16. Lou, look at me.

17. It's family, right? All right.

18. I'll tell you something. Mikey gets right on it.

19. I heard he just leased the empty storefront across the street.

20. What kinda business do you think he's opening over there?

21. I... I don't know. Hey, uh, Lou.

22. That scanooch.

23. 20 pounds of prosciutto di Parma,

24. 25 pounds of Sicilian salami,

25. smoked turkey, sausage, steak.

26. I'll tell you what he's opening!

27. He's opening my shop! This is unbelievable!

28. I'm gonna find out about this.

29. Right after the 4:00 race.

30. Now serving case number eight!

31. Dawna blames DJ Madbeatz's

32. terrible music on clearing out her house party.

33. DJ Madbeatz says he fulfilled his DJ duties

34. and it's not his fault her party sucked!

35. Honorable Uncle Lou presiding.

36. Deli's in session. What's your beef?

37. Uh, I was trying to throw a lovely, fun party at my house,

38. so I hired DJ Madbeatz to get the funk going,

39. and he ruined my party. How'd he ruin your party?

40. His crappy music cleared everyone out.

41. I paid good money for him, okay?

42. How much was Madbeatz?

43. He was $700 for two hours.

44. Oh! Where you getting $700?

45. I'm sorry, he was $75.

46. So, uh, Mr. Madbeatz there, how do you answer these charges?

47. Okay, well, what she so conveniently failed to mention

48. is that her house is her car.

49. Uh, objection...

50. That's right. She lives in her car.

51. Which means that's my house.

52. I don't have room to put my turntables, my laptop, my speakers, okay?

53. Well, I just wanna throw a house party like any good American, okay?

54. It's my constitutional right to throw parties.

55. In a house. Throw it in a house.

56. Hey, Your Honor, I didn't have to, but I played it,

57. all right, because I, I'm a man of my word.

58. DJ Madbeatz is a man of his word. Right.

59. If he says he's gonna DJ your party,

60. he's gonna DJ your party. Right.

61. And there was a strobe light.

62. Yeah. It was, like, the dome light in her car,

63. and she was just (STUTTERING) waving her hand in front of my face.

64. You need a strobe light at a party like you need

65. meat at a deli. (SOFT CHUCKLE)

66. Thank you for putting it in terms

67. that we could understand. That's helpful. Yeah.

68. You gotta have one. It makes you look like

69. you're moving slow and like you're clapping weird.

70. It's awesome. It's what makes a party a party.

71. Was the car moving? No.

72. It was bouncing. 'Cause of my beats.

73. Ah. If it had windows,

74. they would've broken.

75. Your car don't have no windows?

76. No. They got kicked out.

77. By who? By several children.

78. All right.

79. So your supposition is that you, in fact, did entertain at this party?

80. That's right. I played to the best of my ability.

81. He scared everybody away.

82. He made it a bad party.

83. And it got so hot in my car.

84. Nobody wants to stand around and be sweaty at a party.

85. Nobody was standing around. You can't stand in your car... House.

86. Who did you invite to your party?

87. So many people. I went to a Von's

88. and I handed out flyers. Uh-huh.

89. Can I... Well, can I demonstrate some of my party moves?

90. Yeah? Okay, great.

91. Let's just say that, uh,

92. this is the table where I set up all of our goodies,

93. huh? Huh?

94. Drinks over here. Mmm.

95. In the car?

96. On the... On the dashboard. Mmm-hmm. On the dashboard? All right.

97. And then, you know, we gotta start dancing and just, like...

98. Uh, uh, uh,

99. uh, yeah. All right, all right.

100. So, Madbeatz, what were you doing

101. when, uh, when this was going on?

102. I was, uh, I guess I was like...

103. 'Cause the strobe light was, like, well, you know.

104. So, I'm, like...

105. And, like...

106. Is that the emergency brake? Yeah.

107. And I'm, like... (IMITATES SCRATCHING)

108. And I'm just crunking, just losing it Yeah?

109. and partying. And here comes the drop!

110. (IMITATES EXPLOSION) Whoa!

111. My airbag went off. Her airbag went off.

112. But I would like to say, all of that

113. was not a good thing.

114. I would like to call a witness.

115. Coming up, more Beef.

116. You chose to sit on the speaker.

117. You guys got any E?

118. Yeah, you like that? Yeah, I like it.

119. People died for us so we could throw parties.

120. Lou found out his brother-in-law is stealing his business.

121. That scanooch.

122. He's a scaramagooch!

123. Dawna says DJ Madbeatz ruined her house party.

124. She lives in her car. Which means that's my house.

125. I would like to call a witness.

126. All right. (SIGHING)

127. I would like to call my best friend, Big Mike.

128. He was the other person at the party.

129. Hey, uh, my name is Big Mike.

130. I was the other person at the party. Wait a minute...

131. Wait a minute. Big Mike? You're not that big.

132. Why do they call you Big Mike? I bet that you're not even Mike.

133. Uh, my name is Mike.

134. Your, uh, sir, I'm trying to get Big Mike going,

135. and, uh, it's just taking some time for it to catch off,

136. but I feel like it's getting there.

137. I've been saying it.

138. All right, so, Big Mike, tell me your side of the story.

139. Uh, I had been riding shotgun at the party, Mmm-hmm.

140. and, uh, I expected that to be fun, Yeah, cool.

141. but it was actually not fun in this particular situation

142. because of the excessive volume from the speaker.

143. How loud was it, Mike?

144. It was very... It was ex... It was too loud.

145. Too loud! That's right, Big Mike! Tell him! Too loud.

146. It was hard to have conversations with anybody.

147. And, Big Mike, conversations are fun at a party, right?

148. Tell him! I feel like I'm, I feel like I'm saying

149. Uh-huh. everything that you're but, uh,

150. conversations are fun at a party.

151. That's something I feel like we all could have assumed about.

152. He ruined my party... Usually, all of my parties

153. end in an awesome sleepover.

154. Ain't that right, Big Mike? (CHUCKLING) Okay. Yeah, that's true.

155. Yeah, yeah.

156. They're... They're neglecting to mention

157. that they had full intercourse in front of me, okay?

158. And I took that opportunity to pack my stuff and go.

159. It's a party. What do you expect? It's a party.

160. You shouldn't have played so many romantic songs.

161. You made it happen.

162. I'm a very good DJ.

163. I mean, I guess, uh... He's a good DJ. I mean...

164. Well, I guess we also took some E.

165. I think that was the main thing that made the sex happen.

166. Yeah. It could've been the main thing. Yeah.

167. Have you ever had sex in a car on E?

168. It's better than sex in a car

169. when you're not on it.

170. All right. I'm gonna deliberate on this and come back with my verdict.

171. Okay, everybody stand up.

172. Lou is done thinking about it.

173. Okay, go ahead and sit down.

174. All right. You know, sometimes in life

175. we wanna have a party,

176. you know, but for some reason

177. you can't because maybe you don't have enough money,

178. or in Dawna's case, you don't got the space.

179. Eh, for example, I know a guy who wants a party,

180. and after the celebration,

181. he's then gonna open up a butchery

182. right across the street from me!

183. So, with that in mind, Dawna, you got no beef!

184. Madbeatz, because you won you get the... Here's your veal.

185. It's, uh, veal. Just hammer it out, uh, throw it in the oven.

186. It's real thin, cooks real fast.

187. Lynn Vanderloo, outside Lou's Meat Market,

188. chewing the fat.

189. Let's bring in today's defendant.

190. He was victorious in Lou's deli.

191. It's DJ Madbeatz. Come on in, DJ. Hey.

192. So, congratulations. DJ Madbeatz,

193. what does full intercourse look like?

194. Guess what my DJ name is.

195. What? DJ Sandra Bullock Fan.

196. Aw, sweet.

197. Dawna, Mmm-hmm.

198. what was it, do you think, that really turned the tide of Lou

199. against you in this particular case?

200. I honestly think that it was, uh,

201. me not having a house and just living in my car.

202. Big Mike, you're not that big.

203. It's a goal that I'm working towards,

204. and I've read a couple of DVDs that told me to just get the word out,

205. and so, that's what I'm doing.

206. Dawna, how would you dance if you were gonna dance with me?

207. Ooh, all right, okay.

208. Well, first, I would I would kinda come at you

209. from across the room, you know,

210. and really pull you in with my eyes.

211. Then I would just get on up, get on up like this,

212. just get on up like this.

213. Yeah, yeah, you can fight back if you want.

214. No. Big Mike, how would you join this?

215. I usually do a lot of just scoping out, Mmm-hmm.

216. and then just saying, "How are you?"

217. loudly to people that I recognize.

218. Yeah, yeah.

219. Yeah, you like that? Yeah. Yeah, I like it.

220. Man, Uncle Lou sure is upset.

221. I ain't never seen him bring anything personal into a beef before.

222. Of course he's mad. His own brother-in-law's

223. opening a butcher shop across the street.

224. I've never seen him this angry, and I'm his brother.

225. It's gonna be very, very hard to get any money from him, for anything.

226. (SIGHING) Frankie, go in the back, taste the soppressata.

227. The last batch tasted funny.

228. What's the matter? Go.

229. I can't. What do you mean, you can't?

230. I went and got my cholesterol checked,

231. and turns out it's pretty high, so, uh... So what?

232. Lynn's making me be a vegetarian.

233. What?

234. She's, uh, making me be a vegetarian.

235. I don't like it either, Lou, but Lynn, she's stocked the fridge full of,

236. like, tofu and sprouts,

237. and we got this, like, almond milk.

238. How do you get milk from an almond, huh?

239. Does an almond have little teats, you squeeze out the milk?

240. Yeah, little almond teats.

241. Frankie, what I'm about to say to you

242. is the hardest thing I've ever had to say in my life.

243. I can't have no veggie working in my meat store.

244. (SCOFFING) Well, I guess we both got some thinking to do.

245. Family, hmm?

246. Gotta cool off.

247. Now serving case number 62!

248. Fred is accusing his buddy, Dwayne, of being a cheap deadbeat

249. because Dwayne took back the beers he took to Fred's party.

250. Dwayne says that in this recession,

251. that's perfectly acceptable behaviors.

252. Okay, everybody stand up.

253. Honorable Uncle Lou presiding.

254. Okay, everybody, go ahead sit down.

255. Deli's in order. What's your beef?

256. Dwayne came to our Valentine's party.

257. I brought him there 'cause there'd be some single ladies.

258. I'm always trying to help him out.

259. He's a friend who is always down on his luck.

260. Long story short, he brought a six-pack,

261. hid it in the back of the fridge,

262. scooted some Bud Lights in front of it so nobody saw it.

263. At the end of the night, walked out with his beer

264. when he should've left them in the house.

265. Here's the thing. He said there was girls, there was no girls.

266. There were two girls there, and one's his girlfriend,

267. and there was his girlfriend's mom, and she was a beast.

268. Those're the only two girls you could rustle up?

269. There were three girls there, one of them was in the bedroom making out with somebody,

270. so you never got to see her. She was the best looking.

271. It was a bit of a sausage party, I apologize for that.

272. Can I just say, Lou, he brought good beer,

273. but every time I saw him, and I got photos, excuse me,

274. of him drinking Bud Lights all night,

275. I'd like to show as evidence A.

276. All right. And I'd like to point out the couch in there

277. is stained by his sweat 'cause he was sleeping on it for six months naked,

278. and he took the pigment out of the leather.

279. Lou, the reason, he bought the cheaper leather.

280. And I told you when you bought that fucking couch, Shut the...

281. spend the extra $300.

282. My skin turned green 'cause of your fucking dumb couch.

283. All right, well, where's my 100 bucks for the car?

284. I gave him a car for 100 bucks.

285. He gave me a car! Let's... Let's focus this back.

286. In all fairness, Lou, I think I've been rather generous

287. to Dwayne my whole life, and this guy comes in,

288. deadbeat that he is, hides six measly...

289. You don't have to call me a deadbeat.

290. We got a history. It hurts I apologize.

291. You got a job? Yeah.

292. What is it? Car washing.

293. It's a great job. Did you know that

294. any money that's left in the car is yours?

295. Can I ask a question?

296. How many days last month did you work at the car wash?

297. Three.

298. Three days a month.

299. What do you do for the other 27 days?

300. I got prospects.

301. Do you go by his house? Yeah.

302. You eat his food?

303. Yeah. You drink his beer?

304. Yeah. You're a deadbeat.

305. Thank you, Lou.

306. All right, so at said party,

307. what'd you have? You say you have food.

308. Oh, it was awful! Can I speak?

309. So, he had, like, tofu sticks

310. and he had this big bowl of what appeared to be cat vomit.

311. Ugh. You ate that?

312. Yeah, I, I...

313. In all fairness... I tasted it...

314. It was cat vomit,

315. somebody was feeding the cat meat balls,

316. he threw up and I got rid of it,

317. but not before he ate it, apparently.

318. You're a fucking asshole.

319. I didn't do it on purpose! You're a fucking asshole.

320. Why would I put cat vomit out at a party?

321. Was there hair in it?

322. Yeah. Yeah, that's cat vomit.

323. Why would you think that's edible?

324. 'Cause it was with the rest of the fucking shitty snacks you put out.

325. Tofu rings,

326. gluten-free wings...

327. Whoa, wait a minute.

328. Your tofu... Yeah.

329. gluten-free stuff...

330. Don't go California on me.

331. No, sir. It's that bitch you married...

332. Are marrying... Whoa!

333. Whoa! Whoa! Hey! Hey!

334. Hey, hey, hey! I will bust a fucking loaf

335. of bread over your fucking head. Put the bread down.

336. Put the bread down.

337. I will.

338. I'll pay for it, I already touched it...

339. My girlfriend/wife-ish,

340. live-in broad loves the vegetarian stuff.

341. I've experimented a little bit. I'm not...

342. Just gonna give a little advice off the record.

343. Make an honest girl of this veggie.

344. Yes, sir. Change her,

345. 'cause I think she's changing you. She wants a big wedding.

346. All right. Before she gets pregnant.

347. We had to terminate three kids already.

348. Oh!

349. Come on!

350. We don't like to talk about politics in here, all right?

351. Sorry about that.

352. We were figuring out how to be safe

353. for the first six months we were living together.

354. You know the best way to be careful?

355. Hmm?

356. The other way. The other side. The other way.

357. Back door? Can't be having no butt babies!

358. Lou, do you sanction that?

359. I find it unnatural.

360. You're just one step away from a famanooch.

361. Coming up, more Beef.

362. First, I wanna say, Lou, I sincerely love your meat.

363. I got to ask, how was that blowjob he just gave you?

364. Whoa, whoa, whoa. That...

365. Watch your mouth in front of this deli!

366. Frank's gone veggie.

367. When Dwayne took back the beers he brought to Fred's party,

368. Fred had enough.

369. And this guy comes in, deadbeat that he is, he's...

370. You don't have to call me a deadbeat. That's not... That's not nice.

371. You're a deadbeat.

372. Lou, if I may,

373. we grew up together.

374. We, we've been friends, we played football together,

375. he was the quarterback, I was the kicker,

376. we were thick as thieves, Lou, you know?

377. And now, he's a pharmacist down at,

378. at Duane Reade Drugstore,

379. he's got a big, high-paying job, you know?

380. I come in and I'm trying to play to his scale,

381. and I got the most expensive beer I could find to try to impress him

382. and his pharmacy friends...

383. All right... And now... And he's like, "You're a deadbeat!"

384. "You can't sleep on my couch anymore!"

385. "You owe me $100 for the car I gave you."

386. And it's his girl!

387. I'm telling you right now, it's his girl.

388. I'm trying to make a life for myself,

389. and I get it, I look like I'm uptown rich.

390. I'm shadowing a guy right now.

391. I won't be a full-fledged pharmacist for six months.

392. But I've done nothing but help you.

393. I give you my car, my couch.

394. You give me your car and then you ask me for money.

395. Who fucking does that, Lou?

396. I said you can have it, pay me 100 when you got 100.

397. It's been six years, what the fuck?

398. You know, I got those beers and I felt big-time,

399. you know? I felt like I was like you, Freddy.

400. I walked around your fancy neighborhood

401. with the Priuses and the Toyota Camrys

402. and people were looking at me different.

403. There goes... "Oh, that guy must have something,

404. "he must be somebody 'cause he had that beer."

405. I want to be like you.

406. Look, Dwayne, I... I'm trying to grow up here.

407. I don't want you to change. I admire what you got.

408. You got charm, you got charisma.

409. You're Mr. Freedom, you are.

410. You can walk into any room, you're always yourself.

411. You can shake hands with the President of the United States,

412. and 10 seconds later you're giving a hobo a howdy-doo.

413. I like that about you.

414. You're your own man and sometimes I feel like

415. I have been conquered by civilization.

416. Not like you, though. So, I admire you.

417. That means a lot, you know. That means everything to me.

418. You really admire him?

419. Fuck you! You're such a fucking asshole!

420. All right. Into the cooler.

421. You fucking asshole! You... Whoa! Whoa!

422. Get the bread!

423. This will be my area, how about that?

424. That's a great idea. Why don't you hang in that area?

425. You stay in your area.

426. What are you doing? What are you doing?

427. Are you really stealing prosciutto? I'm not...

428. Bring 'em in.

429. (SHIVERING) Jesus Christ!

430. Well, I've got to tell you...

431. You know, Lou, before you go on, I...

432. I think I wanna, I wanna drop my beef,

433. withdraw my beef. I got no beef.

434. Yeah, we had a talk, Lou.

435. I'm not gonna break up

436. 20 years of knowing this idiot for three beers... Whatever was left.

437. All right, so, you're stating to me that you are beefless?

438. I am sans beef.

439. You are beefless?

440. Got no beef with this guy. He's my best friend.

441. I declare,

442. the both of ya has got no beef. Go with God.

443. Thanks, Lou. Thanks, Lou.

444. Appreciate it.

445. Nah! (LAUGHING)

446. You owe me. What, I owe you?

447. Yeah. You owe me!

448. No, I backed off.

449. No, no, no, you were the fucking prick in this situation.

450. Hey, Fred, where's Dwayne?

451. Uh, he's lingering somewhere.

452. Fuckhead!

453. What the fuck's wrong with you? You're a fucking turd.

454. Stand... Can you stand between us? Do you mind?

455. Well, I'm happy to stand between you.

456. He's a fucking turd.

457. All right, if you guys could go back in time,

458. to that fateful party

459. what would you do differently? I'll start with Fred.

460. All right, well, I would take the beer out of his hand

461. and then I would put it in the cooler, where everybody can get at it.

462. Speaking of coolers,

463. Dwayne, you spent sometime in the cooler during the case.

464. Ooh, nice transition.

465. Can I ask my question?

466. He always does this.

467. Always fucking does this.

468. I am starting to see what he means. Right?

469. Can I ask my question?

470. Now give permission. Get permission first.

471. Hey, Doctor.

472. Right? Now, give your... I'm not a doctor, I'm...

473. Hey, pill doctor. Can I ask my question?

474. I'm almost a pharmacist. He's a pusher.

475. Can I ask my question?

476. Yes, I said yes.

477. Okay. Thanks so much.

478. I have a question, not for you.

479. Why do you put up with this asshole?

480. Listen, Lou, I know you care about me and I appreciate it.

481. But, uh, Lynn's my wife,

482. if she wants me to go veg, I gotta go veg.

483. Well, Frankie, there's nothing left for me to do or say except...

484. I can't have no veggie working in my...

485. Wait! Wait a minute.

486. Wait, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

487. I got these. What's this?

488. These are Chinese anti-cholesterol pills

489. that I won from a Chinaman

490. who gave me a bad bid at Pai Gow.

491. You take these, no more high cholesterol.

492. You can eat all the meat you want.

493. It's gonna work? It's gonna work!

494. There's tiger cock in there.

495. Thanks, Manny. You saved my life.

496. Hey, Lou,

497. I think I'm ready to try that soppressata.

498. Get out of here!

499. Welcome back, nephew.

500. Now go show that soppressata who's boss, huh?

501. Yeah. (LAUGHING)

502. That a boy!

503. What's in those fucking pills?

504. It's a bunch of Chinese firecrackers

505. with barbeque sauce on it.

506. That's how bad he wants to eat meat.

507. He'll believe anything.

508. Now serving case number 23.

509. Hip-hop promoter, Bigg Love, has a big issue with Scott.

510. (HIGH-PITCHED) Hi, baby!

511. Because he says Scott didn't promote his concert

512. like he hired him to do.

513. Scott says he did what he was paid to do,

514. just nobody showed up 'cause the concert was no good.

515. Okay, everybody show some respect.

516. Stand up. Honorable Uncle Lou presiding.

517. Okay, everybody, go ahead and sit down.

518. Deli's in session. What's your beef?

519. Uncle Lou,

520. it's you! How are you, Bigg Love?

521. I'm here, man. Yo!

522. Hey, Uncle Lou.

523. Don't call me that.

524. Yeah! All right, what's your beef?

525. Look, you know Bigg Love always promote

526. all the fly stuff out here.

527. Yeah... Yeah, I threw that

528. pajama pool party.

529. Someone drown at that one?

530. Yeah, somebody drowned.

531. You ever been to a black people pool party?

532. We're not supposed to get in the water!

533. Oh, yeah... That's true!

534. That was racist.

535. All my shows is huge,

536. and I asked him, Scott,

537. to pass out these flyers for me,

538. for my concert coming up.

539. I gave him $200,

540. all singles 'cause I just left a strip club,

541. and I know it was 200

542. 'cause I only had 200 singles left,

543. and then I seen the flyers in a garbage can at the bus stop.

544. I seen the same rubber band,

545. you know the scrunchie that the girls keep in their hair?

546. Right.

547. That was wrapped around the flyers and it was thrown in there.

548. And I had, like, 42 kindergarteners make these flyers.

549. You had who-what make 'em?

550. Forty-two kindergarteners.

551. You might run into some child labor laws on that one...

552. You know, I just... I had them make...

553. That's a separate issue and it's not before this court, so...

554. I didn't pay 'em, though, so it was like, for... For fun.

555. I told 'em it was art.

556. That sounds like a problem to begin with.

557. That sounds like, uh, throw the case out.

558. Well, I'll make that decision.

559. All I want, clearly, is for 1,000 people to show up

560. and pay $10 to my concert.

561. I promote all the big bands, man.

562. Like who? You know Ice Cube, right?

563. Yeah.

564. His nephew is gonna rap at the concert.

565. You gotta know I promoted Jellybean.

566. You don't know Jellybean?

567. He can have his eyes closed and still, on the video,

568. he can catch the jellybeans in his mouth.

569. He can tell you the flavor without even opening his eyes.

570. Mmm. It's something more for the kids.

571. Right. He be like...

572. (SMACKS LIPS) That's grape, motherfuck...

573. He gave me $200 in singles

574. to pass out these cards, okay? Right.

575. People just toss them out right away. I'm doing my best.

576. I'm so uncomfortable that the devil is in the room, right now.

577. The devil is in the room.

578. You mean him?

579. Yeah. Why am I the devil?

580. 'Cause the devil do stuff like that.

581. He's making all this up. And there was no scrunchie.

582. Right hand to Jesus.

583. Right hand to Jesus?

584. You probably don't know him 'cause you're the devil.

585. I know who Jesus Christ is, Lou.

586. He never met him. And he... Okay.

587. Basically, him not passing out the flyers, he killed us.

588. What is he talking about? I handed 'em out, Lou! Clearly!

589. I handed 'em out. It's an old form of marketing.

590. Everybody gets a flyer, they don't look at it. What?

591. They don't go, "What could be on this one?"

592. "Maybe, um, this'll change my life or something."

593. Are you trying to say I don't have the Internetter?

594. I'm so... What? The Internetter.

595. What's the Internetter?

596. It's what you put on the computer, and you put it...

597. The Internet. On the Internet.

598. If you only got one, yeah.

599. So you got multiple Internetters?

600. What'd you just call me?

601. I didn't call you nothing.

602. He said ni... I didn't...

603. You're putting that on me.

604. I didn't say ni... I didn't say... Said...

605. You said Interniggers.

606. No, I didn't say that. You said that. Lou? Hey.

607. All right, all right. Hold on, hold on.

608. Oh, man, this is crazy. You're... You're half black.

609. You're... He's half back. His mother's white.

610. So? She got left by a black man,

611. therefore making me completely black.

612. Hey, hey, hey. Let's not make this racial.

613. I'm trying to say... It was him.

614. You... Man, he got on a jogging suit

615. and he ain't jogged nowhere to pass out no flyers.

616. What kinda suit is that?

617. This? Yeah.

618. This is Something Like Gucci. You got a Gucci suit?

619. No. It's Something Like Gucci. It's another line, uh...

620. Oh, Something Like Gucci.

621. I also got Something Like Nike.

622. I got a whole lot of Something Likes. That's the name of it.

623. But that has nothing to do with a concert

624. 'cause, seriously, this concert was supposed to help feed little kids.

625. And Africans. Bullshit.

626. What do you like? What? He's wearing a bullshit suit, Lou.

627. What do you like? And he's spitting out bullshit.

628. And Somalians. Like the bullshit fountain over on the corner.

629. Uncle Lou, he is just jealous!

630. He's jealous of my baby

631. who is going to make it bigger than this guy.

632. You are nobody! You're a loser! You... Denise, come on.

633. What? Ask your body. You need to cool out now.

634. In the cooler.

635. Eject them! I object her

636. Coming up, more Beef.

637. You probably heard of, uh, The Little Cockroaches.

638. Like, they never grow up to be full cockroaches, but they...

639. Uh, you know? Never seen 'em? Mmm-mmm.

640. We're all dying, if you think about it.

641. Concert promoter, Bigg Love,

642. says Scottie threw out the flyers he gave him to pass out.

643. The devil's in the room. You mean him?

644. Uncle Lou, he is just jealous!

645. You're embarrassing yourself. I love you, baby.

646. Don't grab so tightly! What are you doing? Come on!

647. All right.

648. That's a racist, racist Klan! Watch your mouth!

649. Don't talk to my girl like that! Hey! Hey! Hey!

650. You'll never marry her 'cause you won't pass out flyers to the wedding.

651. Whoa! Hey! I got a question now.

652. Explain this music to me, this hip-hop thing. What is up?

653. It's a rhythm thing and you just kinda, like,

654. showin' me a little bit right now.

655. You got some talent, Uncle Lou.

656. Do that again, what you did. Hit that again.

657. What, with that? Yeah, hit the mallet again.

658. That's hip-hop right there. Right there.

659. I can promote you. Yeah, I still don't get it. I was just...

660. Well, thank you very much. That's what it is.

661. You got swag. You got a real natural rhythm.

662. I think your wife appreciates you in the bedroom.

663. Well, thank you. I appreciate that. Yeah.

664. Yeah, I bet you're really good in bed.

665. Whoa, Scott, come on. Scottie.

666. Whenever he says something, it sounds... Sounds cool.

667. Whenever you say it, it just sounds offensive. I'm cool!

668. Cool people don't even say "cool" no more.

669. I'm swag!

670. See, again. He said swag, that's cool.

671. You said it and it sounded sweaty.

672. All right, Bigg Love, explain to me this. What's rack-on-rack?

673. Oh, racks-on-racks? That's when poor people who don't have no money

674. pretend they're doing the clubs.

675. They do the racks-on-racks-on-racks.

676. Like, if you had a lot of ribs in a club,

677. you would make it rain your ribs.

678. I did... Or your meat.

679. You making it rain is when you take stuff that you really need,

680. like your rent money,

681. you throw it in the air and pretend you don't need it,

682. and pretend you're having fun.

683. And then you go home broke, but you looked good.

684. So it's racks of ribs? No.

685. Black people would never throw racks of ribs. We eat those.

686. That'd be stupid. Throw money.

687. Did you hear the Uncle Lou song?

688. Nah. That's crazy.

689. Yeah? Yeah.

690. He just made that up right now. Excuse me.

691. Watch this. Excuse me, excuse me.

692. It's on the radio! It played, like, three times...

693. Clearly not rapping. ♪ Whatever you got

694. Why can't you just promote, like, good music like, uh, The Beach Boys?

695. Who? Go to the bea... I don't like to see boys at the beach.

696. It's kinda strange. What? You've never... You've never...

697. You don't know nothing about The Beach Boys? Tell me...

698. I mean, one time I was wrestling with this dude

699. when I had wrestling practice,

700. and he pinned me and he stayed on me

701. for a minute and I didn't mind.

702. I like The Beach Boys, Lou.

703. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I was out of line.

704. I couldn't keep my mouth shut because I love him,

705. and if you rule against him, Uncle Lou,

706. I will never speak to you again.

707. I rule on the merits of the beef, fairly and impartially.

708. But having said all that and having listened to these men,

709. I have rendered my decision. Bigg Love!

710. You got no beef. Mmm. What? Who?

711. Whoa!

712. This deli's rigged!

713. Uncle Lou, man, we through.

714. Well, you don't come in here too often anyway.

715. Yeah, all right!

716. Come on, let's go.

717. Come with me!

718. Are you with him? No, he ain't, but guess what?

719. I'm leaving with something. I'm taking a white person.

720. Come on! I think he's serious.

721. You should go. Yeah, you should probably go. Probably go.

722. Go. Go.

723. Now. Can't get that back.

724. Lynn Vanderloo, outside Lou's Meat Market, chewing the fat.

725. Let's bring in the plaintiff from today's case, Bigg Love.

726. So, Bigg Love, kind of a disappointing outcome in the deli today.

727. Yeah. I got a white dude, though.

728. And what're you gonna do with him?

729. I'm gonna make him a rapper. Mmm-hmm.

730. Any rap skills, friend? Not that I know... Not... Yes.

731. Bigg Love, something a lot of our viewers want to know.

732. Mmm-hmm. What's the difference between a bitch and a hoe?

733. Probably two kids.

734. So, Bigg Love, I guess you'll be a little more careful

735. about who you entrust with your...

736. Hey, excuse... Sorry. Excuse me.

737. This is from Lou. $200.

738. Your $200. He loves his niece very much.

739. He was just saving face in there.

740. He just wanted to make sure everything was cool.

741. This is a roast for you. A roast?

742. Yeah, from Lou. Aw, man. This... Lou's cool.

743. Yeah, Lou is cool. Take him, the white dude back.

744. Can I take him instead? Okay, great. Yeah.

745. Scott, come on in.

746. Hey, what's up? Yeah. How's it going? How are you?

747. Good day for me, a better day for you. Victory in the deli.

748. That's right, I won. I was...

749. Man to man, Scott,

750. did you hand out the flyers?

751. Man to man.

752. What do you mean? Did you hand out the flyers

753. or did you just throw 'em in the trash?

754. Man to man. You already won the case.

755. Nah, I didn't hand out the flyers.

756. No. No. I didn't think you did.

757. Are you kidding me?

758. Hey. Good morning, my darling brother, Lou.

759. I got a business opportunity for you, Lou.

760. All right, go ahead.

761. I wanna buy a horse.

762. For how much do you wanna buy this horse?

763. Our horse... Yeah.

764. Will cost us $6,000. Oh!

765. This horse's father placed at Pimlico.

766. So... He didn't win?

767. He won third place.

768. So you want me to invest in a sport that is dying?

769. The sport is not dying.

770. Horse racing is exactly where golf was Uh-huh.

771. right before Tiger Woods got in there, okay?

772. All horse racing needs is its own big, black horse!

773. Oh! No! No, no. Oh! Whoa!

774. What? What'd I say?

775. Manny, you're being a little racial.

776. I'm not racial. I'm not racial!

777. Listen to me. There is no color.

778. We're all the same when you're eating a pastrami sandwich in my shop.

779. I agree. But, Lou...

780. Your baby brother has got dreams.

781. Everyone's gotta have a dream.

782. $6,000 and this family has an incredible horse.

783. We've basically won already.

784. We won! We won.

785. All right. All right, I'll think about it. Thank you, brother.

786. Now serving number 29.

787. Amanda says she wants her $9.99 refund

788. from Tyler's Haunted Halloween Hideout

789. because it wasn't scary and was stupid.

790. Tyler says he already gave all the money to charity

791. and that everyone else thinks

792. the Haunted Halloween Hideout is freakin' awesome.

793. All rise. Honorable Uncle Lou presiding.

794. Deli's in session.

795. What's your beef?

796. Uh, Your Honor, I shelled out approximately $10

797. to a "haunted house" that was in no way scary.

798. I'll tell you what scared me more, the movie Shrek.

799. So on a scale of one to 10, how scared were you?

800. I would say it was negative one.

801. Negative one? And I don't even know that much about math.

802. Were there ghosts? Really fake ghosts.

803. Skeletons? I do not recall seeing any skeletons.

804. Any of the, like, you know, The Walking Dead type stuff?

805. I mean, there were a couple of, like, zombie types. Mmm-hmm. Uh-huh.

806. But they just shuffled around. All right.

807. In fact, one of them actually got out of my way.

808. I was like, "Excuse me," and he was like, "Sorry." Uh-huh.

809. Now, you're sure that was one of the zombies and not just another patron?

810. Uh, Your Honor, sorry to tell you,

811. this is pretty ridiculous... Uh, hey,

812. I'm talking. whoa, whoa. Whoa! Whoa, whoa.

813. You'll have your turn.

814. Sorry, sir. Thank you, Your Honor.

815. So, werewolves, uh, Frankenstein-y things, something of that nature?

816. There were a couple of, like, scary clowns.

817. They were, like, take the teeth of a vampire, Oh. Yeah.

818. but like the hair of Bozo, and then, "Oh, that's so scary." Uh-huh. Right.

819. Not scary. No. Not? All right.

820. One of 'em made me a balloon poodle.

821. Your Honor, I walked through that haunted house,

822. my face was like this the entire time.

823. All right, so, how would you categorize this experience that you, uh, put together?

824. Uh, well, I'd like to say it's the freakiest-deakiest thing

825. people have been through in their lives, right?

826. I worked on this very hard. I see you walk in, right? Yeah.

827. Now... Nobody likes spiders, right?

828. Nobody likes spiders. All right.

829. So I got 2 miles of spider webs

830. all over this place, you know what I mean? Scary.

831. Which is inferring spiders are everywhere, Right.

832. which made a lot of people, I like to call, scared.

833. You know what I mean? Right.

834. Uh, we had... I created this creature. His name was Fontaine.

835. Uh, sort of, like, inspired by, uh, you know, Industrial Light & Magic

836. and, uh, Weta Workshops that Peter Jackson works with.

837. Sort of like Gollum meets, uh, Smeagol.

838. What's a Smeagol?

839. Smeagol, he's, like, a hobbit. So he used to be a hobbit,

840. Uh, he says, "My precious." and then he got the ring

841. and then he kinda got obsessed with it,

842. Like the guy, he's... and he, it kinda deteriorated him.

843. Scary little guy, Your Honor. If I see this guy, I'm like,

844. "I'm outta here. Check please." Oh...

845. Real quick, point of order, You know what I mean? I don't wanna...

846. when he says scary "little guy," Yes.

847. he means little. Because the thing was, like, this big.

848. I tripped on it.

849. It was the Mind-Warper Room which was a huge hit, right, Oh, my God.

850. 'cause this was like a bad drug experience sort of room.

851. We had lava lamps in there,

852. we had flickering lights in there, you know what I mean?

853. And, uh, very disorienting, the floor was painted blue, Right.

854. because usually floors aren't blue

855. and this was very weird for people.

856. You're losing me on the blue floor.

857. What does that do? Oh, no, just, uh...

858. Well, like, the ocean or the sky is blue, but a floor, well,

859. that's brown. Black, brown, it's not blue, right? So...

860. Manny wants a race horse.

861. Everyone's gotta have a dream.

862. Amanda thinks Tyler's haunted house sucks.

863. I'll tell you what scared me more, the movie Shrek.

864. And then...

865. (YELLING) Jesus!

866. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! All right. Hey!

867. Who are you? Carlos.

868. Your Honor, if I may?

869. You've all just experienced what I like to call a "Tyler Spook-tacular."

870. That's my buddy, Carlos.

871. Just an example of what I like to bring to my houses. (DENISE CLAPPING)

872. This is not fair. That is manipulative.

873. Your Honor!

874. Carlos was in the house that night. (BREATHING HEAVILY)

875. Okay? And he did that same trick to everybody who walked in that door.

876. That's pretty scary, Your Honor. Were you not scared?

877. You got a baseball bat, right, sir?

878. I was just protecting my business, I was not actually scared.

879. Everybody who was scared, raise your hand.

880. All right. Yeah, well... (SCOFFING)

881. Even you? All right. Oh, yeah, yeah, even me.

882. Your Honor, can I say something? Yeah, sure, go ahead.

883. So, uh, on behalf of Tyler here,

884. I'd just like to thank him for, uh,

885. giving horror artists like myself a place to, uh,

886. hone their craft and work on their skill,

887. because, look, I know I'm working at a haunted house today,

888. but I got dreams.

889. I got big dreams. And I know they're long-shots,

890. but what dreams aren't long-shots? Am I right?

891. So I'm going to Hollywood, Your Honor. And I'm gonna be

892. the next horror movie franchise star.

893. Like Jason, like Michael Myers, and God willing, like Freddy Krueger.

894. I wish you luck, uh, young man. Thank you.

895. Thank you, Your Honor.

896. Your Honor, can I, can I just make a point? You may.

897. I just wanna say that I happen to know this gentleman.

898. Carlos used to date my sister Celeste. Okay?

899. I recognized him immediately.

900. And he whispered, "Hello" to me

901. as he passed me with his chainsaw.

902. Not scary. All right.

903. Denise. You and Scottie go into this, Yeah.

904. uh, haunted house?

905. Yeah. I was freaked out, like, I got goose bumps, All right.

906. like, all over my titties. All right.

907. Blue floor? It was so unexpected, it freaked me out.

908. A blue fl... I've never seen a blue floor in my life.

909. Your Honor, can I just say one last thing?

910. One last word. Yeah, go ahead.

911. I'm sorry, but it would be one thing if this were, like, a dollar.

912. But, Your Honor, we are talking

913. (SOBBING) about $10. Yeah.

914. Just wanna mention Yes.

915. that I gave that money to charity,

916. uh, which is a better cause than, uh, regular money.

917. So, if you gave all the money to charity, uh, how do you make a living?

918. I, uh, I have rich parents.

919. All right. I'm gonna sit on this one and render my verdict very soon.

920. All right then. Tyler, you're like me, I think, a lot,

921. uh, an entrepreneur, businessman.

922. Customer satisfaction is what rules the day.

923. But then again, one person's perfectly marbled steak

924. is, uh, is another person's big, fat blob of nothing, right?

925. You can't satisfy everybody.

926. Now, Amanda, you want your money's worth.

927. You wanna be scared. I understand that completely.

928. I mean, what's Easter without the eggs, right?

929. What's Christmas without the presents, right?

930. What's Halloween without the scare?

931. Having said all that... Carlos, put on your mask one second.

932. Oh, you're kinda scary. I find it scary.

933. I rule in favor of the defendant!

934. Amanda, you got no beef.

935. Tyler, I give to you 2 pounds of my prime veal.

936. And, Carlos, follow your dream. You're gonna be great.

937. I know you will. Wish you the best of luck. (CHUCKLING)

938. So he gets to keep my money and he gets free meat?

939. Hello?

940. Lynn Vanderloo standing outside Lou's Meat Market.

941. Amanda, things got pretty scary for you in there today.

942. Basically, I got screwed. Yeah.

943. It sucks so hard, right?

944. It did, it did suck.

945. Um, what is your affiliation with the deli?

946. I'm Lynn Vanderloo. I'm here to talk to people about their cases.

947. So, a successful day at the meat market for Tyler and Carlos.

948. Oh, yeah. We're very happy. I work very hard at what I do, and this was great.

949. This was great. We scare people.

950. Ahhh! (CHUCKLING) (CHUCKLING)

951. Ahhh! (CHUCKLING) That's the kinda thing...

952. The kinda thing we're looking for. That's very good. Very good.

953. When they come into my... Houses.

954. Thank you. (SCREAMING)

955. Lou, please don't draw this out.

956. If you're gonna break the heart of a man,

957. the little boy's heart, do it now.

958. All right.

959. I'm in. You're in?

960. I'm in. Oh, my God, we're gonna get a horse.

961. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. (ANTHONY CHUCKLING)

962. Yay! Lou!

963. Congratulations. My brother. Uh-huh.

964. Yay! Your own! Yay! Right. All right.

965. I'm gonna braid the shit out of that horse's hair. (GIGGLING)

966. And one thing led to another

967. and we ended up having sex in the tanning bed while it was on.

968. And he gave it to me for half price, I swear to God.

969. Oh, my God! What a deal!

970. Oh. It was sexy.

971. Oh. I thought there might have been some, uh,

972. you know, dirt I missed under there,

973. but, uh, yeah, I, I remember getting this corner pretty good.

974. Shanice, right? Yeah. How are ya?

975. Hey, good to see ya. Good to see you, too.

976. How's it going?

977. Good. It's nice. Oh, good, good.

978. Uh, so, what, what brings you here?

979. Just getting my pasta salad, you know. Pasta salad.

980. Oh, that's good.

981. I was just sweeping up. That's kinda one of my jobs.

982. Uh, yeah, looks like you're good at it. Yeah, yeah.

983. You're a funky chick. (CHUCKLING)

984. Anthony, what is wrong with you? Why are you acting like that?

985. Acting like what? You got a crush on her or something?

986. Oh! What? Absolutely not.

987. No, I don't. No, I don't. It's all right.

988. Didn't even cross my mind. You know what I mean? Okay.

989. In fact, yeah, you know what? Not my type.

990. That kinda hair and those, you know, lips and eyes

991. and those clothes and everything, it's just,

992. you know, the combination of those is, ugh, sickening. All right.

993. Yeah, you would not believe the lack of interest I have in you.

994. I mean, I would even, you know, consider changing my life

995. and becoming a woman and pursuing men sexually, so...

996. All right. All right, it's okay, I get it.

997. Maybe he's a little nervous. No, I'm not. Fuck you.

998. Don't say that. Anthony!

999. Fuck her, right? Get the fuck out of here.

1000. "Nervous." That's...

1001. I'm gonna go. It's all right, it's all right. Yeah, I'll call you later.

1002. Oh, you leaving? Already? Yeah. I'm leaving.

1003. Okay. Well, good to see you, Shanice.

1004. Anthony, what are you doing? I was flirtin'.

1005. What the... Flirtin'? What are you talking about?

1006. That's not how you flirt. You're a terrible flirter.

1007. I don't know, Uncle Manny. She's out of my league.

1008. Don't say that. She's not out of your league. (GROANING)

1009. You gotta man up, okay? Take your brother Frankie.

1010. Okay? He gets what he wants. He doesn't care what people think.

1011. He goes, reaches out and grabs it.

1012. Hey, Uncle Manny, can I borrow 5 bucks?

1013. Fuck you, Frankie! You know I don't have $5.

1014. I'm sorry.

1015. Now serving case number 21,

1016. the brilliant Nick Tiestino, educator,

1017. has a beef with French teacher Ms. Hersowitz

1018. who denied his request to chaperone the girls' senior trip to France.

1019. She says she can handle it alone.

1020. Whatever, bitch.

1021. All rise. The Honorable Uncle Lou presiding.

1022. Sit down.

1023. Deli's now in session. What's your beef?

1024. Okay... How about ladies first?

1025. I don't have the beef.

1026. What's your beef? Okay, as you know,

1027. I'm a Social Studies teacher.

1028. Every year, right, they get a group of 20

1029. senior women to go on a trip.

1030. This year they picked Paris, okay?

1031. They needed a chaperone, so I signed up.

1032. I'm gonna take these 20 girls, show 'em Paris.

1033. She takes my name off it.

1034. She says I can't go on that trip.

1035. Decides to do it herself. I think that's wrong. That's my beef.

1036. All right, so it's just gonna be you and 20 girls? Yeah.

1037. Why are you jumping in that rice bowl?

1038. Uh, because they need some protection. Look at this.

1039. (STUTTERING) This is no protection right here. And I, I...

1040. She's gonna handle 20 women in Paris.

1041. They need someone who can protect them, Lou.

1042. You all of a sudden just decided, "I don't need another guy"?

1043. Well, I don't think that he's probably the best choice to be chaperoning

1044. young ladies on a trip to Paris Wha...

1045. based on some things that have been discussed throughout the school.

1046. Whoa, whoa, whoa. (STUTTERING) What... What things?

1047. I'd like to know these things. I don't know what it would...

1048. He talks to the girls, he keeps Robin Thicke CDs

1049. and diet pills in his office, What... Come on.

1050. just saying, "Hey, come by. You're looking a little bloated."

1051. Whoa, whoa, wait. I am being unjustly persecuted here.

1052. I think we all understand what she's gettin' at.

1053. We all know about the relationship with Denise when she was in high school.

1054. Uncle Lou, you make it sound so bad. I was a senior.

1055. She was 18. High school seniors Yeah.

1056. are well-educated in the world.

1057. They watch TV, they know more

1058. than both of us, all of us here, mostly. (CHUCKLING)

1059. Have you ever sat down and talked to 'em before?

1060. All right, what is your specialty with, uh, you and France and the chaperone?

1061. You know French?

1062. No, but, uh, I don't think she knows French either.

1063. I'm a French teacher. Of course I know French.

1064. All right, how about you? You know what I know?

1065. I know a bunch of greasy Frenchmen

1066. are gonna get all over these young, nubile, supple bodies. Huh?

1067. They got nude beaches in Paris. I'm just sayin',

1068. I'm gonna protect them from that, okay? You see...

1069. You're gonna be on the nude beach?

1070. Well, yeah, like I said, when they make... Are you nude?

1071. Well, yeah, yeah. (STUTTERING) Nude beach. I mean, I'm the chaperone.

1072. Just because they go on a nude beach, I'm gonna stop being their chaperone?

1073. No, that's not how it works. I gotta be with them at all times.

1074. A high school trip... There's no men in Paris

1075. that are gonna be more threatening and more disgusting than you

1076. coming on to these 20 17 year-old seniors.

1077. Some of 'em are 18. Some of... Maybe two.

1078. And you know? We're not going to a nude beach, just for the record.

1079. We're gonna be in the "Loo," okay?

1080. We're gonna be walking Champs-Leesays.

1081. You are the French teacher?

1082. Yes, I'm the French teacher.

1083. Coming up, more Beef.

1084. I'm like a God-figure to these girls.

1085. High school girls' chaperoning. Is that something anybody can sign up to do?

1086. And, Nick, werewolves? They'll get you.

1087. Anthony's got a crush.

1088. He's a little nervous... No, I'm not. Fuck you.

1089. Ms. Hersowitz says that Nick isn't fit

1090. to chaperone the senior girls' trip to Paris.

1091. I wouldn't do anything to those girls they wouldn't want done to themselves.

1092. Lou, okay, true story.

1093. Last time she chaperoned a group to France,

1094. she lost two of the kids! True story.

1095. Okay, first of all, we were in Paris.

1096. You are forced to drink red wine at every meal.

1097. Okay, I didn't lose them, I misplaced them.

1098. They weren't Natalee Holloway, they were found.

1099. Okay, to get them ready for this trip,

1100. she took them to the mall to Au Bon Pain, right?

1101. And then she gives them all unfiltered cigarettes,

1102. the, the, uh, the colored ones.

1103. First of all, I also let the white girls smoke, okay?

1104. I, I wasn't saying... I'm saying...

1105. I'm talking about the blue cigarettes.

1106. (STAMMERS) What the... Who calls somebody colored? That's...

1107. Ms. Hersowitz, why are you being so mean to him?

1108. Because, you know what, you think you were the first?

1109. No, this has been going on for years.

1110. Okay, you know, I wanna call Denise

1111. as a character witness against Nick.

1112. What? No, no, no, no.

1113. We all know what happened between Sweater Boy and Denise here.

1114. We don't need to hear it again.

1115. But it has been noted, right?

1116. Many, many times.

1117. You know, you don't need to explain our love, baby.

1118. We have a fatal attractiveness.

1119. All right, I've made my decision.

1120. Nicky! Yeah.

1121. You got no beef, you scumbag. Now, get out of here.

1122. You scumbag. But you...

1123. Anthony, get him out of here!

1124. No! You can't... No, no! Wait!

1125. (GRUNTS) Listen. Listen to me.

1126. No! Listen to me!

1127. Take a walk. I'm going on that trip!

1128. Hey, Ms. Hersowitz. Do you remember me from school?

1129. Yeah.

1130. Lynn Vanderloo outside Lou's Meat Market

1131. with Ms. Hersowitz.

1132. So a successful day at the deli?

1133. Very successful.

1134. When you came in today, you seemed very comfortable in front of the camera.

1135. Was this your first time?

1136. No. I used to do some light modeling work in my early 20s.

1137. I bet you did.

1138. You still have a fine figure for a mature woman.

1139. Okay. I don't think...

1140. I don't know why you have to say "mature woman."

1141. You can just say, "Of an attractive woman."

1142. Well, you're still a very attractive mature woman.

1143. I just asked you not to use that word "mature."

1144. I'm trying to give you a compliment, lady.

1145. Now, these girls have studied very hard,

1146. probably four years a lot of them, French. Yeah.

1147. They've put in a lot of time and effort,

1148. and now they're going overseas for the first time, probably,

1149. a lot of them, to a foreign country. Yeah. Mmm-hmm.

1150. What do you think they'll be wearing when they sleep?

1151. These girls need protection over there, you know what I mean?

1152. You know what the French are like.

1153. And that, that girl, I mean, look at her.

1154. Well, they say Paris is the city of rape.

1155. Yeah, exactly. That's what I'm saying.

1156. Nick, you've got a reputation in the neighborhood

1157. as a swordsman.

1158. What's your secret with ladies of all ages?

1159. You know, let 'em, let 'em feel your affections,

1160. let 'em know your warmth and that you wanna get inside of them.

1161. You know what I mean? Mmm-hmm.

1162. I mean, into their hearts.

1163. You know what I'm saying. I understood what you meant.

1164. You meant inside their hearts.

1165. Yeah, I'm not saying slip a digit. No.

1166. Uh, I'm not saying into the warehouse or anything like that.

1167. Uh, you know, that's down the road.

1168. Shanice! Hey. Hi.

1169. What are you doing here?

1170. I'm just... I'm waiting for Denise.

1171. Uh, we're going to happy hour.

1172. Look, um, I want to apologize for earlier.

1173. My behavior was crass and you don't deserve that.

1174. Thank you.

1175. Look, Shanice, uh, I know you're a beautiful girl

1176. with an amazing job at an amazing bank.

1177. And I'm just a schlub who sweeps the floors at a deli, but...

1178. Go out with me, yeah?

1179. We could go to a diner, get some food,

1180. maybe catch a movie, go to an Islanders game. What do you say?

1181. You're very sweet. You are.

1182. But no. You're not my type. Like, at all.

1183. Hey.

1184. You can still jerk off to me.

1185. That's sweet of you. Thank you.

1186. You know what? I'm gonna wait outside. Bye.

1187. You're not gonna believe this.

1188. Jets are havin' open tryouts in half an hour.

1189. I'm taking the rest of the day off. What is it with you, Anthony?

1190. Every day it's something different. I'm an entrepont.

1191. Okay? I can't cut meat the rest of my life.

1192. Anthony, you gotta stop knockin' the family tradition of butchery!

1193. You're a part of this family, whether you like it or not.

1194. I suppose you're right.

1195. But how crazy would it be if I actually played for the Jets?

1196. I mean, seriously, the New York Jets.

1197. I'm gonna go see how this pans out, okay? I love you guys.

1198. Back to these cock fights. We got cocks running all over the back of the store.

1199. Now serving case number 45.

1200. Diane's upset because her friend Gill recommended his friend Chablis

1201. to redo her bathroom, and now it's so bad,

1202. she can't even relax enough to do her business.

1203. Chablis says he's an artiste,

1204. and her bathroom's gonna be worth thousands when he dies.

1205. And also, what does she want for $200 anyway?

1206. Everybody, show some respect, stand up.

1207. Honorable Judge Uncle Lou presiding.

1208. Okay, everybody go ahead and sit down.

1209. All right, deli's in session. What's your beef?

1210. My name is Diane, Right.

1211. and I'm a divorcee.

1212. And I'm living alone. Mmm-hmm

1213. And I play the scratchers, which is perfectly legal. Mmm-hmm.

1214. And last week, uh, I hit the jackpot.

1215. Oh. I got $200.

1216. And I thought to myself, "What would Brad and Angie do with $200?"

1217. Who's Brad and Angie?

1218. Angelina Jolie and Bradley Pitt.

1219. All right.

1220. So I figured, what would Brad and Angie do with $200? Mmm-hmm.

1221. They'd probably give their money to children, like in Germany or something.

1222. But I says, "You know what? I'm gonna do for me." Right.

1223. So I says, "I'm gonna redo my bathroom."

1224. I says to myself, "Who could redo my bathroom for $200?"

1225. $200 is a lot of money for me!

1226. So I says, "My neighbor, Gill. He dresses nice.

1227. "Maybe he knows somebody."

1228. I hope you're Gill. I am.

1229. What are you? I'm Chablis. I'm an artist.

1230. I see that. What are you dressed as?

1231. This is, um, beach-hot.

1232. It's a new thing.

1233. Um, uh, I like it.

1234. Them is just towels, right?

1235. Yeah.

1236. So Gill invites Chablis to do the bathroom. Right. Okay.

1237. His buddy, his friend.

1238. I don't know what kind of buddy.

1239. I don't... It doesn't matter to me.

1240. I'm not trying to incinerate that anything is going on.

1241. For me, it's you don't ask me, I'm not gonna tell you.

1242. It's... Hold the phone, Simone.

1243. We have a very strong bond, but it's not...

1244. Very strong bond. Very strong. It's not sexual or romantic.

1245. Hey, well, you know, even if it was,

1246. we got no problem with that. (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

1247. It's 2013. I totally get it.

1248. I say live and let live. I once had a Jewish neighbor.

1249. All right, so, uh, Mr. Chablis, you ever done bathrooms before?

1250. Well, I... I did her bathroom.

1251. Yeah, but have you ever designed a bathroom before her bathroom?

1252. No. And...

1253. it was a nightmare walking in.

1254. You gotta understand, the things I was working with were very, very subsidiary.

1255. Can you describe exactly what happened to your bathroom?

1256. Absolutely. First of all,

1257. my niece did have an abortion in that bathroom. Whoa! Hey! Whoa!

1258. Come on, that's a child. The word, not in the deli.

1259. It was many years ago, and it was cleaned up

1260. by my dead husband, rest his soul. Wait a minute.

1261. You says you, you were divorced.

1262. Now you says your husband died? What's up with that?

1263. He wasn't a nice man.

1264. In the interest of moving on, I'll accept that answer.

1265. So, I go in,

1266. it looked like Liberace had thrown up.

1267. And not in the toilet.

1268. He had one white wall, one green wall.

1269. Okay, Salvador Dali.

1270. And a shower curtain with a moonscape.

1271. Are we on the moon? No!

1272. Here's the thing. I can't even do my business anymore.

1273. I sit in there and it's like I'm on the fucking moon.

1274. And guess what? There ain't no gravity on the moon.

1275. So I can't take a regular old-fashioned lady-like shit

1276. in my own goddamn bathroom that I paid $200 for.

1277. It's supposed to give you a feeling of floating in space,

1278. Mmm-hmm. and just shitting freely into space.

1279. Have you taken a shit in there?

1280. Oh, yes. Of course. I have. I have.

1281. You took a shit in my bathroom? Yeah.

1282. Oh, that's wrong.

1283. Coming up, more Beef.

1284. I put in an old bench. From Dodger Stadium.

1285. I put it in the tub. Wait a minute.

1286. A Brooklyn Dodgers or an LA Dodgers?

1287. It was from the LA Dodgers.

1288. Write that down, Your Honor. I'd rather not.

1289. Anthony's got some new life goals.

1290. How crazy would it be if I actually played for the Jets?

1291. Diane says that Chablis' makeover has ruined more than just her bathroom.

1292. I can't take a regular lady-like shit in my own goddamn bathroom.

1293. I had a friend at a bathroom supply place

1294. and he generously...

1295. decided to give me a penis bidet, for your penis. Not cheap. Not cheap.

1296. You pee and then you wash your penis.

1297. Excuse me. I don't have a penis.

1298. Case in point... That's my fault.

1299. Because I thought she had a penis.

1300. Do you?

1301. No. Just asking.

1302. We got refurbished items. Mmm-hmm.

1303. We... I, uh, I bought a water fountain from the city.

1304. Used water fountain. It's very cool, very elegant.

1305. It's covered in bird shit!

1306. That's a drawback. You didn't wash it? That's part of the patina.

1307. All right, so you claiming you're an artist,

1308. but you got any, artistic, uh, evidence there?

1309. I am an artist. I'm a painter, I'm a sculptor, I'm a furniture designer.

1310. But I'll show you how good I am at drawing.

1311. I'm gonna draw a picture of you.

1312. No! Really? Oh, my goodness. Yes, I really mean to do it.

1313. Really? Hold on, hold on, hold on.

1314. Oh, yeah.

1315. I can't see.

1316. That's very good. My bathroom did not look that good.

1317. Would you sign that? I'll sign it, yeah.

1318. Well, this is beautiful, and it inspires me to render my decision right now.

1319. Diane, you won $200 and you made the decision

1320. to try and fix up your bathroom. You're looking for artists,

1321. and art is in the eyes of the beholder.

1322. Sometimes it's crap, sometimes it's genius.

1323. Who's to say? I don't know.

1324. Is it beautiful, is it not? I think so.

1325. Someone might not say so.

1326. I don't agree with the towels. Again, maybe it's art.

1327. But I gotta tell ya, you guys, you're special in your own way,

1328. the world needs more of youse.

1329. And truth be told, you know, if I was a younger man, maybe I'd follow that path.

1330. Not the unnatural thing that you guys are in,

1331. but, you know, the more, like, artistic thing.

1332. So, Diane, you got no beef.

1333. But you know what you do got? All of youse got this beautiful braciole.

1334. Ooh! Ooh! Tasty.

1335. One, I picked it out especially. Why?

1336. 'Cause this, in the middle it's all fruity and swirly with a taste of nuttiness.

1337. You know, it's alike you artist types.

1338. All right? Yes.

1339. We done? We're done.

1340. Well done. Thank you. Thank you, Your Honor.

1341. Thank you, Your Honor.

1342. We need some peppers. Mmm.

1343. Yeah, get some of those eggs, too.

1344. Get some of those little pickles. Get the gelato.

1345. I'm so sorry.

1346. Sorry, this is a store at the same time. Sorry.

1347. Lynn Vanderloo outside Lou's Meat Market, chewing the fat.

1348. It's Gill and his friend Chablis.

1349. Now I've got a bathroom project of my own

1350. that needs a little remodeling, and I'm wondering what you'd do for me.

1351. We can change the carpeting in there, and probably paint each wall a different color.

1352. Well, you described... That's what Donna described, and it sounded terrific.

1353. My bathroom's a little bit different.

1354. It does not have carpeting currently, and it currently doesn't have walls.

1355. Doesn't have walls?

1356. That sounds interesting. Yeah.

1357. It's a very open concept bathroom.

1358. Uh, it's basic... It's basically this area here. Oh.

1359. Uh. Oh, you live on the street.

1360. Well, technically, this isn't the street,

1361. because I've had some problems with law enforcement before.

1362. Uh, this is technically private property that I'm living on,

1363. but it isn't the street.

1364. Diane, one of the things I noticed about Lou

1365. was he paid a lot of attention to Chablis' ensemble.

1366. Nothing was said about this sweatshirt. What can you tell me about it?

1367. Well, it was made in China where all the best things are made.

1368. It's pink, or as some people would say, mauve.

1369. And it says "America" on it, which.

1370. Here we are. Sure.

1371. They make you run. They make you run.

1372. A lot of running. Mostly running.

1373. You know what happened when I couldn't throw up anymore?

1374. Diarrhea, Denise. Diarrhea.

1375. I mean, every hole. Every hole.

1376. That's what they used to call me in high school. (GROANS)

1377. Don't nobody talk to me. I'm in a bad freakin' mood.

1378. Okay, you wanna know why?

1379. Janie is having her bachelorette party in Vegas and Scott says I can't go

1380. because he thinks I'm gonna get into trouble like in The Hangover.

1381. You know, I think it's unreasonable that Scott won't let you go,

1382. because, like, you would totally let him go. Yeah.

1383. Well, no, no, I wouldn't let him go,

1384. but that's different because men are freakin' pigs.

1385. Oh, hey, okay. Okay, now, now you're employing a double

1386. what's-it-called, when, you know...

1387. It's like when one thing applies to one party

1388. but it doesn't apply to the other party. It's like a...

1389. Yeah, when it should be equally applied to both parties.

1390. It's like a double hypothetical. Double hypothetical.

1391. Standard.

1392. Yeah, it's a standard double hypothetical. That's standard knowledge.

1393. So you guys are on my side, right?

1394. No. Absolutely not. No.

1395. Okay, then don't nobody friggin' talk to me!

1396. You write something on this top one.

1397. It shows up on the yellow one. It's like magic paper.

1398. Case number four.

1399. Paula says that Father Robby said that it was okay

1400. for her to throw a car wash in the church parking lot for charity.

1401. Right before it was supposed to happen,

1402. Father Robby suddenly called the whole thing off.

1403. Okay, everybody stand up. The Honorable Uncle Lou presiding.

1404. Okay, everybody go ahead and sit down.

1405. Deli's in session. What's your beef?

1406. Okay, so I ask, uh, my friend have car wash,

1407. you know, in church parking lot for charity. Right.

1408. And he says, "Yes. It's good idea."

1409. And then, "No." It was fine in the beginning.

1410. When I found out it was a bikini car wash, that's when I had to say no.

1411. There are no car washes in the Bible.

1412. So, you want to do a car wash. Yes.

1413. You said yes. That's right.

1414. You then said, "I want to do it in a bikini." Mmm.

1415. You said... No.

1416. You don't know what she wanted to do.

1417. She wanted to put suds down her top

1418. and sprawl on the windshield of the car. Yeah, that's your idea!

1419. Excuse me, how do you know...

1420. Did she describe to you how she wanted to do it? Yes, she did!

1421. He made me tell him over and over and over again. I wanted to know

1422. what the car wash was all about!

1423. It is against God, it is an abomination.

1424. This, this is against God, huh? Oh! Hey. Hey.

1425. God made this! Please. You're in front of other people.

1426. Um, is this right for a church,

1427. to be having bikini clad women?

1428. Luckily, I put the kibosh on it.

1429. It's for women who need money.

1430. For things, for need. Oh, no, no.

1431. All right, so what is thing that you're getting money for?

1432. It's for charity.

1433. Right! (STUTTERS) What, what kind of charity are you looking at?

1434. You know, for women's needs.

1435. Needs. For women.

1436. You know, like, for operation. Wait a minute.

1437. You know, like, for, for ass. You know, or, like, for boobs.

1438. Your Honor, it's for cosmetic surgery.

1439. Oh! It can do beautiful work.

1440. Lou, I thought she was talking about abortion.

1441. Oh! Whoa! No! Come on! Not in the deli!

1442. There's no reason for this. You don't need that procedure. You have a wonderful...

1443. Your areas are fine.

1444. That's not how you act for, you know, long time.

1445. Well... Uh, Father, is, uh, something going on here between you two?

1446. (SIGHS) Miss Paula and I are friends.

1447. Special friend.

1448. How would you define special friend? Companions.

1449. Someone that I talk to, someone that I teach. Mmm-hmm.

1450. He give me hugs. Uh-huh.

1451. He teach me all kind, monastery position. Uh, missionary.

1452. Uh, and missionary, and, like, for wheel barrow. No, no.

1453. Because Jesus, he has, like, Um.

1454. tools and things and he has to do work. She...

1455. And so I, I play wheel barrow, Uh, honey. Baby...

1456. and he's, like, for Jesus.

1457. And then these other two guys,

1458. they come over, John and Paul. Little Gomorrah, please.

1459. Well, all right. Wheel barrow.

1460. Coming up, more Beef.

1461. It's like Noah's Ark. Guess what I am.

1462. Giraffe leaving the Ark. 'Cause...

1463. Oh! Excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt.

1464. Denise's friend is having a bachelorette party in Las Vegas.

1465. Scott says I can't go

1466. because he thinks I'm gonna get in trouble like in The Hangover.

1467. It seems there's more going on between Paula and Father Robby

1468. than a canceled bikini car wash.

1469. He teach me, gives massage, that...

1470. I think I've got the picture pretty good right now, Father. Okay.

1471. No!

1472. What we do is we discuss the works of the Lord over lunch in the park.

1473. Sometimes over a Frisbee.

1474. We don't do anything untoward.

1475. I have a position in the community.

1476. There are a lot of people that look up to me. I have seen you in our church.

1477. You never put anything in the collection plate.

1478. Uncle Lou, I've been trying to save money.

1479. Frank Jr. needs braces. God doesn't need braces.

1480. It's his fault my son's got crooked teeth to begin with.

1481. He's good priest, he's good man.

1482. Why are you parading yourself around?

1483. It's disgusting! This is for... God make this!

1484. I sick of you! Hey.

1485. Come on. You want me take this off, too?

1486. We shouldn't see you like that! No! Don't take it off!

1487. All right. Hey! Whoa! Please!

1488. Please! Please! You want money?

1489. Take, for church. For church! The money...

1490. Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's cool off.

1491. Hey, you're gonna have to pay for those.

1492. You open those, you eat those,

1493. you're gonna have to pay for 'em.

1494. Plum cake, I'm, I'm, I'm...

1495. Why you think I put this whole thing together? Huh?

1496. So I can get your attention!

1497. Like, maybe you look at me! I want...

1498. Do you have to do it this way, like Mary Magdalene?

1499. Some kind of a whore? Don't you call me that!

1500. Oh!

1501. She was not whore, first of all.

1502. She got smear campaign. Was!

1503. Smear campaign. She was!

1504. Smear campaign! She was!

1505. I miss your touch.

1506. I miss teaching you... About the Bible.

1507. Maybe I could do car wash in your parking lot.

1508. That's not a bad idea, Uncle Lou. Like, it's not...

1509. Like, for a weekend, you know?

1510. Excuse me. Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt, okay?

1511. I'm sorry, Lou, I gotta do this.

1512. I came to apologize to my beautiful darling girlfriend.

1513. Denise, I'm sorry about my ridiculous behavior earlier.

1514. I was acting like a real chooch.

1515. Okay, babe, you can go to Vegas.

1516. Doesn't mean you're gonna pull a Hangover.

1517. I trust you.

1518. You know what? I don't even wanna go anymore.

1519. The idea makes me sick. Being led into temptation like that,

1520. I probably would have done something crazy.

1521. I would, like in The Hangover.

1522. Probably would've put sunglasses on a baby or something.

1523. You know what? I ain't gonna go.

1524. I love you, baby. Get over here.

1525. Get over here!

1526. Mmm.

1527. Oh, it's like Officer and Gentleman.

1528. Guys, into the cooler. Yeah, let's go.

1529. Hey, we're glad you guys made up, but you're a little hot.

1530. Let's get in that cooler. I'm sorry.

1531. So sick of waiting for you. Oh, I'm sorry I yelled at you.

1532. I didn't mean to yell at you, honey. What are you two doing?

1533. Hey! Hey! Court's still in session here.

1534. Sorry. Yes.

1535. Now, listen to me.

1536. I usually go out there and think about what's going on,

1537. but I don't need to do that.

1538. I'm gonna render my decision right here, right now.

1539. Now I gotta tell ya, what I witnessed here today is against God.

1540. It's got nothing to do with bubbles on this young lady in your parking lot.

1541. It's got to do with your behavior.

1542. So I'm gonna tell you what. Neither one of you has got a beef.

1543. Just go home.

1544. Thank you, Your Honor. Okay.

1545. Bye. Put some clothes on.

1546. We're good. You got your top with you?

1547. You won. Yeah. I...

1548. All right, very good. Go. Please, now go.

1549. Can I get some turkey? Please.

1550. Lynn Vanderloo standing outside Lou's Meat Market.

1551. Paula and Father Robby,

1552. why don't you come in here and tell us how things went today.

1553. Paula, I don't have a car.

1554. You have anything else you can wash for me?

1555. Maybe your mouth, 'cause you're dirty boy.

1556. Okay, that's... He's joking... I am a dirty boy.

1557. You're so funny. I am.

1558. So, yeah, you're very funny. He is my favorite part.

1559. You are my favorite part of the show. All right. Yes.

1560. Oh, thank you, Paula, very much.

1561. "It's Lynn Vanderloo!" You're... Okay.

1562. (LAUGHS) Love your collar.

1563. This is flirting. I can't deal with that.

1564. What? I'm just making nice for politeness. Hey!

1565. Yeah, more than nice.

1566. Any thoughts on the new Pope?

1567. Anything you'd like me to tell him?

1568. I would like him to institute a possibility...

1569. I'm just... He wants you to institute a possibility...

1570. That priests may get married. That priests may get married.

1571. I don't... I don't... He says he'll think about it.

1572. Well, that's terrific. I thank you.

1573. Uncle Manny, can I talk to you for a second? Sure.

1574. So, Lynn is extremely pregnant, right?

1575. Of course.

1576. And somehow she got it in her head that sex is bad for the baby.

1577. Oof. Okay.

1578. She says she doesn't want this one to turn out like Frank Jr.,

1579. and honestly, I can't blame her, but, uh...

1580. Can't blame her for that.

1581. But I'm a man and, uh, I have certain needs.

1582. I got a buildup of fluids.

1583. You got a buildup of fluids.

1584. Yeah. You gotta release the pigeons.

1585. Yeah, you know, I gotta throw some bread at the parade.

1586. Gotta slap some mustard on the dog.

1587. Yeah, I gotta buy a bag of peanuts.

1588. You gotta wash the cat. All right.

1589. Daddy wants to make some pancakes.

1590. You know, what's fun sometimes is to make a pancake

1591. look like Mickey Mouse.

1592. Yeah, Frank Jr. likes it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

1593. Anyway... I was wondering, uh,

1594. any advice on how I can sleep with my wife?

1595. Okay, look, I don't mean any disrespect.

1596. I know this is a little weird question to ask, but, uh...

1597. Go ahead. Anything. Does she, uh...

1598. Would she, uh...

1599. You know.

1600. Would she... I don't know.

1601. You know.

1602. Manny, I don't know. You know...

1603. I don't know. Frank, you know.

1604. I don't know. You know.

1605. I don't know. You know.

1606. I don't know. You know!

1607. Manny, I don't know. Would she use her mouth?

1608. Oh! What are you doing? Come on!

1609. That's my wife you're talking about! I was trying to be respectful.

1610. Mother of my children! What do you want me to do?

1611. A good Catholic woman! You come to me for an answer.

1612. Oh, Manny! You come to me for an answer,

1613. I'm giving you an answer. What do you want me to do?

1614. But no, she won't use her mouth.

1615. The only thing she puts in there is pasta fazool.

1616. She's blowing up like Coolio's career in 1998.

1617. He was big in 1998.

1618. Oh, huge. Nobody could touch him. (SIGHS)

1619. But this is no Gangsta's Paradise.

1620. Now serving number 48.

1621. Dan the healer is upset with Wendy,

1622. who didn't pay for his new age-y services.

1623. Wendy says the massage didn't help her at all,

1624. and she's still stressed and needs relaxation.

1625. Everybody, please stand.

1626. The Honorable Uncle Lou presiding. Okay, sit down.

1627. Deli's in session.

1628. What's your beef?

1629. Hello, Uncle Lou. Hey.

1630. My name is, uh, Magic Dan.

1631. I'm just a normal guy with magic hands.

1632. This lady came into my place of healing

1633. and asked me to give her a full Reiki massage.

1634. Which he didn't. Wait a minute.

1635. Let's play catch up. What's a Reiki?

1636. Reiki, uh, it's from the Orient, uh, Your Honor.

1637. It's how I heal people using the energy from my hands.

1638. Everything has a vibe. I can take that vibe, transfer it to me,

1639. and then send it to her.

1640. But he doesn't touch at all.

1641. It is not about touching, Uncle Lou.

1642. Have you ever seen two magnets push each other apart?

1643. Well, yeah. Well, consider me a big black magnet

1644. and her a little white one.

1645. So you don't touch her with this?

1646. Not per se. But I do touch her, yes.

1647. But you don't. But I do.

1648. But you don't. No, I do not. And yet I do.

1649. Look, I was stressed, I wanted a massage,

1650. and he did not touch me once.

1651. Not once! Oh, yes, I did.

1652. No, you didn't. Oh, yes, I did.

1653. No, you didn't. And yet, I did.

1654. But you didn't. (MOUTHING)

1655. Why you been so stressed out?

1656. My mom moved in with me,

1657. because her ex-husband has been on a bender,

1658. and my ex keeps calling me and I'm like,

1659. "Should I get back..." I just never know what to do,

1660. and so I want some relief.

1661. And then I go in there, and I'm trying to relax,

1662. and I just take off all my clothes, and then I laid down

1663. and then I just, like, waited and I waited. Okay.

1664. And I felt like I was pulsing.

1665. And I see his hands just, like, moving over me.

1666. And then that's all he did.

1667. First of all, if you walk into the office,

1668. it's all bamboo laden by the way, with mahogany,

1669. you'll see three signs. One of them will say,

1670. "Please, please do not get undressed."

1671. And then there's another sign that's right under that saying,

1672. "Honestly, we would prefer that you stay clothed."

1673. And then the third one says, "Please remain dressed."

1674. She did not do that.

1675. For some reason, she felt like she needed to get naked.

1676. It's a three sign system in my office.

1677. I didn't see it.

1678. Not only that,

1679. she suggested that she squirm a little while I started to Reiki her.

1680. I just like to move.

1681. It gets me into it, it makes me loose.

1682. All right, well, can you maybe demonstrate how you were squirming?

1683. Coming up, more Beef.

1684. I do touch. But you didn't touch.

1685. No, but I did, but I didn't, though.

1686. But I did. But you didn't.

1687. But I didn't, but I did.

1688. All right.

1689. Wendy didn't get what she wanted

1690. from Magic Dan's mystical Reiki massage.

1691. I see his hands just, like, moving over me, and then that's all he did.

1692. And then he didn't touch me once. Not once!

1693. She suggested that she squirm a little while I started to Reiki her.

1694. Can you maybe demonstrate how you were squirming?

1695. So I'm, like, naked, right?

1696. And then I was just like this.

1697. Like, going like this. Yeah.

1698. But then, like, nothing, nothing, and I look,

1699. and then his hands are just doing this again.

1700. Okay, Uncle Lou, first of all, my hands were doing a lot more than that.

1701. I've been trained in the Orient.

1702. I've been, I've been to Japan,

1703. I've been to parts of Taiwan.

1704. Now I've seen posters of other places.

1705. I know what I'm doing, ma'am.

1706. All right, so what exactly was you going in there for?

1707. It wasn't just a massage.

1708. Okay, look, in my religion I am not allowed to touch down there.

1709. But that doesn't mean that other people can't. Oh.

1710. And I needed some help, okay?

1711. I just get so tense and I just need to relax.

1712. You wanted downstairs relaxation.

1713. Yes! Yes. I was looking for a loophole

1714. and I thought I found it. Okay, okay.

1715. See, Your Honor, now I understand what she was going for.

1716. All right. Well, so do I.

1717. She wanted me to give her a little bit of...

1718. Oh, God! So...

1719. She wanted some of... Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

1720. Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

1721. But I won't do that. Come on!

1722. I mean, she didn't wanna just be spiritually touched, she wanted some...

1723. Oh, God. Yeah. Mmm-hmm.

1724. That's not something I am accustomed to do.

1725. Come on!

1726. I mean, I could start in with a little... Mmm!

1727. But I would not. Argh!

1728. I mean, not for $35.

1729. That's a 50 dollar job.

1730. Well, why didn't you say so?

1731. You're telling me this hocus-pocus works without touching nobody?

1732. I would not call it hocus-pocus.

1733. I have trained in Portland.

1734. But I am just exchanging energy from me through her.

1735. Come on. For instance...

1736. May I see your hand? Yeah.

1737. That's what we call the hot palm.

1738. I just heated his hand up.

1739. It doesn't serve a medical purpose,

1740. or a spiritual, but it's hot.

1741. Your palm hot?

1742. Yeah. Yeah, it's hot.

1743. If I may approach the meat bench, Your Honor,

1744. I could demonstrate on... No, I'll approach you.

1745. All right. Now you just stand anywhere that you feel comfortable.

1746. All right, I feel comfortable here.

1747. Yeah, just stand right there. Let me help you.

1748. Let me help you.

1749. Let me help... You.

1750. Ah...

1751. Go ahead and reach down and touch your foot.

1752. How's that feel? Pretty darn good.

1753. Yeah, it does feel good.

1754. Now that's Reiki. And that'll be $35.

1755. So you never touch her and she can, like, cum?

1756. I mean, that's not just what I do, but yes, absolutely.

1757. Is it, um...

1758. If you don't touch the person at all,

1759. would it be considered homosexual if you did it to a male?

1760. The aura does not know sexuality.

1761. Though very often, it has a penis.

1762. Okay, I'll think on that.

1763. Coming up, more Beef.

1764. So, you're, like, kind of a medium, right?

1765. More of an extra-large. Ba-dum-bum.

1766. Right now, what she just did was ticked off

1767. about 5,000 years of Japanese history.

1768. Oh, the Japanese will get you for that.

1769. Frank is backed up.

1770. Any advice on how I can sleep with my wife?

1771. Wendy didn't get the "relief" she wanted

1772. from Magic Dan's Reiki massage.

1773. In my religion, I am not allowed to touch down there.

1774. But that doesn't mean that other people can't.

1775. You're a Reiki-tease, that's what you are.

1776. You're a spiritual cock tease.

1777. Strong words.

1778. I have been insulted, my people have been insulted,

1779. my way of life has been insulted.

1780. But for 15 more dollars, I'd have curled her toes with Reiki.

1781. I'd a had her go out and slap a traffic cop for 15 more dollars.

1782. Yeah?

1783. I'd a had her bent over a mule with Reiki Uh-huh.

1784. for 15 more dollars. Yeah.

1785. Why didn't you tell me that before?

1786. You didn't read the fourth sign.

1787. The fourth sign clearly said,

1788. "Ask if you want the full Reiki."

1789. All right, I, I've really heard enough about,

1790. uh, booty auras and all the other stuff with the penises.

1791. I'll tell you what, Magic Dan, you got a beef.

1792. What? I object!

1793. But... I think between the two of youse,

1794. for $50 you can work everything out.

1795. On top of that, I knows you one of them veggies...

1796. Homemade pasta salad.

1797. Enjoy in good health. Thank you very much. Thank you.

1798. We done? We're done. Well done. Thank you.

1799. I didn't wanna mention anything while Lou was out here,

1800. but he had his Reiki finger right up my butt the whole time.

1801. Straight up it.

1802. (GASPS) Ooh.

1803. I got some thinking to do.

1804. Lynn Vanderloo outside Lou's Meat Market chewing the fat.

1805. Magic Dan, come on in.

1806. Pleasure. Thank you so much. Thank you, everybody.

1807. So, what's next for Magic Dan?

1808. Well, I have a bus where I'm just gonna go around

1809. helping people who do wanna be helped,

1810. but helping a lot of people

1811. who don't even want me to be there.

1812. You know, it's so powerful to help people who don't want the help.

1813. Those are the toughest people to reach.

1814. Yeah. And those are the people who need the most help without even knowing it.

1815. Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

1816. Sometimes, if I'm sitting at a stop light,

1817. I will get out of my car,

1818. and I will go over and bang on somebody's window until,

1819. until they let me help them. Mmm-hmm.

1820. Now, when I've been at an intersection,

1821. I have had black guys approach me... Yeah.

1822. And generally they don't wanna help.

1823. Surprisingly, a full 90%,

1824. and I'd hate to go into percentiles,

1825. a full 90% of black guys who approach you at a car,

1826. they want to help you.

1827. Un-pop your locks, roll down your windows,

1828. spread yourself open and get ready to be helped,

1829. 'cause they will help you long and they will help you hard.

1830. So, Wendy, we didn't hear much about your life

1831. outside of your personal problems that you're having. Mmm-hmm.

1832. What do you do for a living?

1833. I'm a secretary.

1834. And I've been engaged four times.

1835. Almost lost my virginity all four times, and then didn't.

1836. And so, just been waiting for that special feeling,

1837. special someone. Hmm.

1838. I'll tell ya, it feels so good

1839. when you do have that feeling with somebody.

1840. Mmm-hmm.

1841. When you get inside this area... Mmm-hmm, yeah.

1842. it feels terrific.

1843. And it's not just the one time,

1844. because what I have found is repeatedly going in and out like this,

1845. sort of in a thrusting manner... Yeah.

1846. actually only increases their feeling. A lot of times...

1847. That sounds really nice.

1848. A lot of times, with certain sensations,

1849. like with food for example... Mmm-hmm.

1850. you take the first bite

1851. and every subsequent bite doesn't taste quite as good. Mmm-hmm.

1852. With this feeling,

1853. subsequent bites actually taste better and better and better

1854. and better and better... Really?

1855. until you're done.

1856. I really gotta go find Magic Dan.

1857. Hey, Manny. Hmm?

1858. I don't want you to worry about me. I took care of it.

1859. You got Lynn to change her mind?

1860. No way. Gave Magic Dan 50 bucks, no touching, not gay.

1861. Money well spent. I think so.

1862. Hey, mum's the word.

1863. We'll see.

1864. That's what a date is. I know.

1865. So it's serious with this guy? I don't know. Maybe.

1866. So I don't know how I lost that race!

1867. Well, how you gonna bet on a horse named Jinx?

1868. Hey! You guys planning a murder?

1869. What's with the... With the whisper?

1870. What's, what's going on? What are you talking about?

1871. Denise went on a date with her old high school teacher, Nick.

1872. Ooh. Ow!

1873. Hey, what about Scott?

1874. If Scott wants to be exclusive

1875. he needs to put a ring on it.

1876. Oh, there you go again.

1877. Everyone wants to be Beyonce.

1878. Yeah, I went to high school with Nick.

1879. He's a real douchebag, know-it-all, you know.

1880. Who cares, okay? We have a fatal attractiveness.

1881. And if you tell Uncle Lou,

1882. I'll tell Lynn you were smoking the pot at lunch.

1883. Don't. Please.

1884. And you neither, Uncle Manny.

1885. Because I will tell him that you lost his investment money.

1886. Denise, sweetheart, don't do that.

1887. (STUTTERS) That was a sure bet. What's a sure bet?

1888. Not "sure bet," "sore-bet," the dessert.

1889. Denise was at Mama Ramona's, thought she had a gelato.

1890. She didn't, she had a "sore-bet."

1891. That's what you heard. Sorbet.

1892. Oh, I didn't know that. Sorbet. Oh, okay, I...

1893. I smell smoke.

1894. That you? Hmm?

1895. You know, it might be. Uh, 'cause I was walking to work today,

1896. and I saw these guys burning a skunk.

1897. Sons of bitches.

1898. It's these damn Wiccan hipsters, you know.

1899. Like, uh, steampunk's not enough for 'em,

1900. now they gotta be witches.

1901. Case number 87.

1902. Nanette says her boyfriend Troy

1903. took it upon himself to delete The Real Housewives of Atlanta

1904. from the DVR series manager.

1905. Troy claims that over half of the shows on the to-do list are hers,

1906. and that he thought that canceling it

1907. for a Ryan Gosling movie would be okay.

1908. Okay, everybody stand up.

1909. The Honorable Uncle Lou presiding.

1910. Okay, everybody sit down.

1911. Deli's now in session. What's your beef?

1912. Uh, I got a lot of beef,

1913. because he deleted The Real Housewives of Atlanta season finale

1914. off of our series manager. Mmm-hmm.

1915. Okay? I couldn't watch Phaedra Parks embalm her dog.

1916. I didn't even get to see Kim Zolciak's wig room.

1917. And he did this without your knowledge? Without my knowledge.

1918. He knows how much I like to drink a nice glass of white wine,

1919. sit on the couch,

1920. and watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

1921. All right, very good.

1922. Troy, why would you jump in there and just, uh, delete

1923. willy-nilly what you know she wants to watch?

1924. I was doing this for her sake

1925. so that she could appreciate a fine, uh, piece of cinema.

1926. Which?

1927. Ryan Gosling, this is his tour de force performance,

1928. Crazy, Stupid, Love, so you can understand my situation.

1929. What the f... What is that?

1930. Ryan Gosling has the most abs he's ever had in it. I counted 12.

1931. He kinda got to do something fun and silly this time.

1932. What? All right. It's much more...

1933. It's not just silly, it's much more than, uh, silly comedy.

1934. What's it called? Crazy, Stupid, Love.

1935. What is it? Who is this guy?

1936. He was in Titanic. Lars and the Real Girl.

1937. He was, uh, in one of the Lord of the Rings.

1938. He's in a lot of, like, baseball movies. Uh...

1939. He's been in none of those movies!

1940. How do you not know who Ryan Gosling is? He... Whoa.

1941. Wait, sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to calm down,

1942. or I'm gonna have to take you out back

1943. and hold you in contempt of the court.

1944. You're taking this a little personal now.

1945. Yeah, can I interrupt here a little bit? All right.

1946. Because Ryan Gosling is an obsession with him.

1947. An obsession. He puts it on me,

1948. like, "Oh, yeah, don't you really wanna watch Stupid,

1949. "Crazy, Stupid, Stupid, Love?"

1950. You're intentionally screwing up

1951. the title of the movie just to insult me.

1952. That's the kind of stuff she does.

1953. He's, uh, he's obsessed with Ryan Gosling.

1954. He wears that stupid jacket, the Drive jacket.

1955. He drives a freakin' Tercel, with the stupid jacket on. Oh!

1956. Like, he looks like an idiot.

1957. Arrest me for driving a Tercel. What...

1958. No, but, like... What is this?

1959. Why you gotta wear, like, a racing jacket in a stupid car?

1960. Like, I don't... Oh, I'm sorry.

1961. I didn't realize this was communist China

1962. where you can't drive a Tercel

1963. and wear a scorpion racing jacket

1964. and call yourself Gosling when you're cruising around.

1965. Who cares?

1966. Your Honor, as a point of evidence,

1967. Ryan Gosling is an American treasure.

1968. He's a perfect blend of talent and charm

1969. and people should be exposed to it.

1970. Sometimes you need someone to say,

1971. "Wake up, look what's right in front of you. Crazy, Stupid, Love is."

1972. Hey, wake up, look what's right in front of you.

1973. Me.

1974. Hello?

1975. All right.

1976. Ryan Gosling is a very talented man, okay?

1977. This is not Ed Norton we're talking about.

1978. What has he given us? The Notebook, Drive,

1979. Lars and the Real Girl.

1980. Blue Valentine, eh, someone wrote an ugly role for him,

1981. but he still pulled it off.

1982. I prefer Nights in Rodanthe.

1983. Coming up, more Beef.

1984. I got a surprise witness.

1985. Troy, seek help. Don't judge me.

1986. This is very upsetting.

1987. Happy birthday, you guys.

1988. The gang are keeping secrets from Lou.

1989. Nanette says Troy's Ryan Gosling obsession is going too far.

1990. Your Honor, Ryan Gosling is an American treasure.

1991. People should be exposed to it.

1992. Look, I understand where you're coming from,

1993. you went through the Mark Ruffalo thing.

1994. You went through the Mark Ruffalo thing! Oh!

1995. You watched Blindness and you were like,

1996. "Oh, my God, he's so vulnerable, he's so vulnerable."

1997. We went through that together!

1998. Both of us said he was vulnerable.

1999. He was vulnerable, but I'm saying you're getting obsessed with these people.

2000. I don't know if you wanna, like, have sex with them.

2001. Whoa. You know what I'm saying?

2002. I mean, I'm being hyperbolic, but I'm just telling...

2003. All right, that's a whole different case. Come on!

2004. Like I could ever have sex with Ryan Gosling. (CHUCKLING)

2005. You're kidding me! That laugh.

2006. Listen to that laugh. What? Could I?

2007. I don't wanna know.

2008. No! Probably not.

2009. This is very upsetting.

2010. Is there anything else, uh, you'd like to introduce into evidence?

2011. Either one of youse. Tell you what...

2012. Yeah! I got a surprise witness. Remember Debbie?

2013. Debbie Gosling? Remember her?

2014. Come on out, Debbie.

2015. Hi, Nanette.

2016. Excuse me. Excuse me, who are... Who are you?

2017. I used to date Troy. All right.

2018. My last name is Gosling. As in this other guy?

2019. As in Ryan Gosling. Right.

2020. Are you related? No.

2021. If you go back far enough, probably.

2022. No, we're not related.

2023. Pull back far enough, it's a small world.

2024. Go on.

2025. So we met at a wedding. Right.

2026. He had my name card in his hand,

2027. he already wanted to go out with me after he saw my name.

2028. I put all this together, by the way, after we broke up.

2029. Ah.

2030. For a six month anniversary,

2031. he had us go see Drive three times in the theater.

2032. It's a good movie, but... Right.

2033. Three times? Yeah.

2034. So good.

2035. You're such a freak.

2036. You know, it feels like I'm on trial here.

2037. You are. Oh.

2038. So how did the relationship end?

2039. When our cat, Ryan Gosling, died,

2040. our whole relationship kinda fell apart.

2041. And then I realized he was a freak.

2042. The cat? No. Troy.

2043. I didn't think you were gonna bring up Ryan Gosling.

2044. Which one? The cat.

2045. Okay, I'll tell you what. I've heard enough,

2046. I'm going to, uh, deliberate on this.

2047. Phew. Okay, everybody stand up.

2048. Okay, everybody sit down.

2049. You had to bring up Ryan Gosling.

2050. Man, you're a frickin' weirdo, dude.

2051. Okay, everybody stand up.

2052. Honorable Uncle Lou is done thinking about it and he's back.

2053. This has been a very difficult case.

2054. Now, Troy, listen to me. A good relationship is about trust.

2055. Because in the end there, Troy, you just can't keep secrets.

2056. It's not healthy, especially if you're calling yourself a family

2057. or in a relationship or what-have-you, whatever you wanna call it.

2058. For example, Denise here,

2059. she's seeing an old high school teacher of hers

2060. who's way older than she is.

2061. She's keeping it a secret from me.

2062. Frankie here, he smokes dope out in the parking lot.

2063. He's keeping it from me, not very healthy.

2064. My brother...

2065. Oh, Jesus. He wanted me to invest in a horse.

2066. Lost all my money right down the shitter,

2067. he doesn't have the balls to come up and tell me.

2068. Not healthy. I didn't mean it.

2069. You understand what I'm getting at?

2070. A good relationship that's healthy is about not keeping secrets.

2071. Even if it is about a deep feeling for this...

2072. Brian Gooseleg,

2073. who apparently is a very terrific actor and, uh, you know,

2074. I'm gonna see some of his movies.

2075. If there's one thing that comes out of this, please see his movies.

2076. That's the one thing?

2077. So, having said all that,

2078. I find for the plaintiff. You got a beef.

2079. Thank you.

2080. Enjoy. Mozzarella. It's fresh.

2081. Troy, seek help. Thank you, Lou.

2082. For what? Is it low-fat?

2083. No, it's full fat.

2084. Lynn Vanderloo outside Lou's Meat Market.

2085. Let's meet Nanette and her friend Debbie. Congratulations.

2086. Thank you.

2087. I mean, what's up with your boyfriend?

2088. I know. I know, it's ridiculous, right?

2089. I mean, he's gonna fix it.

2090. Trust me, we have things to talk about.

2091. Debbie, what do you think?

2092. I think he is obsessed with Ryan Gosling

2093. and wants to have sex with him.

2094. He wants to have sex with Ryan Gosling.

2095. I think you got robbed in there.

2096. Well, I appreciate you saying that.

2097. Someone who has a level head and, uh, you know, gets it,

2098. see things the way that I see them,

2099. which is through Gosling-colored glasses.

2100. I would watch a Gosling movie with you.

2101. Yeah, I would, uh, I would love to watch a Gosling movie.

2102. You wanna go somewhere and watch a movie?

2103. Sure, I got nothing to do.

2104. Where do you, uh, where do you live?

2105. Uh, I am west side of town.

2106. Okay.

2107. Where, where do you live at?

2108. Uh, uh, I live in a different part of town.

2109. Where's that?

2110. Around here. Hmm.

2111. We're gonna go to your place, or...

2112. Well, uh, I think we'll go to your place this time.

2113. You wanna take your car, or...

2114. Let's take your car this time.

2115. Well, I, I drive a moped, so... Okay, that's fine.

2116. Let's do this.

2117. Hey, Uncle Lou. They eat it all the time.

2118. What do you want?

2119. Get ready to thank me, 'cause I got a million dollar idea for you.

2120. Oh, do ya? All right. Oh, yeah. You're gonna like this.

2121. The three of us, right,

2122. we went to this club last night, Club Bangin'.

2123. Had the time of our lives.

2124. Yeah. Goody.

2125. Uh, bar tab was what, 80, 90 bucks?

2126. At least. Oh!

2127. Yeah. Right? So we was thinking

2128. what if we opened our own club?

2129. Where?

2130. Right here.

2131. What you talking about? It's a deli.

2132. Yeah, it's a deli during the day,

2133. but at night it's just sitting here not making any money.

2134. Exactly. This is wasted space at night.

2135. We could have an OTB television.

2136. OTB TV right there?

2137. Right there. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Oh, my God

2138. Listen, I will make some of my signature cocktails

2139. right there behind the bar.

2140. So the bar will be here. Yeah!

2141. Right behind, where the meat is. Right there.

2142. Yeah! Good.

2143. Maybe, maybe some illegal card games in the back?

2144. Tony knows some guys. I could get some guys.

2145. What are we gonna call it? What are we gonna call it?

2146. What are we gonna call it?

2147. Uh, uh, uh, The Meat Market!

2148. Guys! Hey, guys! Guys! Get back to work!

2149. What's the matter with you?

2150. If you are at all serious about calling it The Meat Market,

2151. we could spell "meet" M-E-E-T instead of M-E-A-T...

2152. Stack the crates in the back. Yes, sir.

2153. Case number 78.

2154. Donny claims at his own 41st birthday party,

2155. Phil and Nancy invited people he didn't know,

2156. hijacked the karaoke, and didn't leave a dime.

2157. Phil and Nancy claim if Donny was their real friend,

2158. he would want their musical comedy talent

2159. showcased to people that make careers.

2160. Okay, everybody stand up.

2161. The Honorable Uncle Lou presiding.

2162. Okay, everybody sit down.

2163. Deli's now in session. What's your beef?

2164. Uh, Your Honor, Lou,

2165. I was celebrating my 41st birthday at a local place, uh,

2166. Hits 'n Tits.

2167. Uh, karaoke and topless, it's a great combination,

2168. fun for everybody. Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

2169. And I invited, uh, my friends Phil and Nancy to come.

2170. Uh, we have a bit of a history together.

2171. I think I should mention that.

2172. I dated both of them briefly,

2173. and we were all in the drama club together.

2174. We have dated... Excuse me.

2175. You dated... Her?

2176. I dated her, but I also had...

2177. And then we briefly had an entanglement.

2178. It's the theater.

2179. Yeah, we were in the drama club. I do need to emphasize that.

2180. Drama club is like that. It was completely okay. Yeah.

2181. Yes, you have to give yourself over to it.

2182. So, on your 41st birthday you invited them... So... Yeah.

2183. I invited them, these guys come in... Right.

2184. with an entourage like I've never seen.

2185. We wouldn't be here... We invited,

2186. tops, 22 people from our scene study class.

2187. Twenty-three people. Twenty-three. Tops, twenty-three.

2188. Uh-huh. And a couple of casting directors.

2189. I bartend sometimes in the Theater District in Manhattan.

2190. And sometimes industry folks come in

2191. and sometimes they are exchanging business cards,

2192. sometimes those cards fall on the ground,

2193. and then I invite them to some of our showcases.

2194. So you guys were there to perform.

2195. Well, everyone was there to perform, Your Honor.

2196. The birthday boy was singing Creed

2197. and both parts of Paradise by the Dashboard Light,

2198. which I think everyone can agree is just rude.

2199. It's my night. I'm paying for it, I'm gonna sing both parts.

2200. That's seven and a half minutes of just him on stage.

2201. I know it's his birthday, but come on.

2202. So you got up there on stage and you started singing?

2203. See, he didn't say, "Start singing," he said, "You started singing?"

2204. Right, we started singing and then... Right.

2205. Well, they didn't have a... Okay, that's an original.

2206. Part of our gift... Part of our gift.

2207. And I think it was misunderstood,

2208. was a performance for his 41st birthday.

2209. My sub-beef is that they had not worked out the song,

2210. as they have not worked it out right now.

2211. It's a work in progress.

2212. The song was in previews. Mmm-hmm.

2213. So they went to your last birthday?

2214. Yes, they did.

2215. And this time they basically just stormed, stormed the castle...

2216. We did Sunrise, Sunset from Fiddler, and by the way...

2217. Can I finish? I'm trying to make an analogy between this

2218. and my being in my castle of the 41st birthday, okay?

2219. They stormed my 41st castle,

2220. and I didn't have my knights to fight them.

2221. Okay? So I'm there all alone with a crossbow,

2222. trying to fight off these demon dogs of song,

2223. and the whole evening is ruined.

2224. And I think I made a perfectly clear argument. Just...

2225. We've turned a corner from analogy to metaphor, Your Honor.

2226. You have the soul of a poet.

2227. Honestly, in the words... Like the old days.

2228. of Anne Hathaway's acceptance speech...

2229. Oh, I love this. from the 2012 Oscars for Les Miserables...

2230. "It really came true." It does... It...

2231. It doesn't apply. That completely applies.

2232. That completely applies. It doesn't apply here.

2233. Coming up, more Beef.

2234. They had gotten their clients roles in Martin Scorsees movies.

2235. Scorsese. Scorsees.

2236. Scorsese. I think it's Scorsees.

2237. Excuse me! I'm Italian. Don't correct me.

2238. Donny says that Phil and Nancy

2239. hijacked his karaoke birthday party.

2240. They turned it into a showcase for themselves.

2241. See, he didn't say, "start singing." Right.

2242. All right, so, uh, you two are obviously, like, showbiz types.

2243. That's right. We are theatricals.

2244. What do you do?

2245. Well, presently, uh, sir, I'm working, uh, for my girlfriend's father.

2246. He has an insurance business, uh, so I'm doing cold calls for that.

2247. So, you, you got a girlfriend?

2248. Yeah, I do.

2249. Okay.

2250. Her name is Robin. All right.

2251. It's a girl.

2252. So, uh, what kind of talent, uh, agencies were these, uh, people?

2253. They had succeeded in getting a couple of their clients

2254. under-five roles in Martin Scorsees movies.

2255. Scorsese.

2256. What's an under-five role?

2257. Five or fewer lines. Lines.

2258. Really? Yeah.

2259. Look at that.

2260. I myself, uh, received an under-five role.

2261. Would you like to hear my line right now?

2262. Yeah, sure, go ahead.

2263. Uh, "Hey, that's my cab."

2264. It's Alec Baldwin's getting into the cab, and she's...

2265. It got cut out because she made eye contact

2266. with the camera over and over again

2267. and it was useless footage, so...

2268. Well, it's important to know where it is.

2269. "Hey, that's my cab."

2270. You're doing it right now. You're... doing it right now.

2271. What's important, Your Honor, and I think what we're overlooking here is that

2272. they hijacked my night,

2273. and I didn't get the opportunity to chase my dream as well.

2274. It's because you live your life in fear.

2275. No. I made some choices and Robin and I are very, very happy.

2276. And now that my illness has cleared up,

2277. I'm just on the straight and narrow,

2278. and I'm very happy selling insurance over the phone. So...

2279. If I could write a musical about a man who sold insurance,

2280. it would sound like this.

2281. She's got the same song. It's the same melody.

2282. See? Thank you.

2283. Where has he been? Suck on it.

2284. (ALL APPLAUD) Wow.

2285. I'll say. That was very nice.

2286. Great singing. Thanks, guys.

2287. So that would have happened on my night if I was allowed to...

2288. In the words of Marin Mazzie during her 1998 Tony acceptance speech...

2289. Oh, I love this.

2290. "We're all the same color. On the inside."

2291. It so doesn't pertain, but still... Ah!

2292. It does kinda pertain. It does.

2293. If I may, a lot of this goes back to 1990

2294. when Donny was supposed to be

2295. the actual Fiddler in the Roof... Okay.

2296. But he kept falling off the roof... Here we go.

2297. because he has vertigo. I have vertigo.

2298. So they gave the role to me. How is that my fault?

2299. Well, if you were my friend, you would have stood by me...

2300. I was given the role. as fiddlers on the roof!

2301. It was a great opportunity... There were no lesbians...

2302. All right! Into the cooler!

2303. Oh, no, no, no. Amen! Let's go. Come on. Cool off a little bit.

2304. No jazz hands! Don't jazz hands at Uncle Lou!

2305. Were gonna deal with this. We're gonna be here for a while.

2306. We gotta stay warm. Just... Just... Just this.

2307. Just... Oh, that is warm.

2308. What's that?

2309. I go both ways. I go both ways. I go both ways.

2310. Aah! Aah! No, no, no. That's me, that's me.

2311. Hold it right...

2312. I know it's you. Let it happen, let it happen.

2313. Let it happen, let it happen.

2314. Come on out.

2315. Well, seems from the, uh, cooler cam everything is lovey-dovey.

2316. Yeah, we were just talking in there.

2317. No, I, I know what was going on in there.

2318. We were just talking in there. I know.

2319. Close to each other. Okay. I saw what was... Please.

2320. Drama club.

2321. Still...

2322. Phil and Nancy, you owe Donny a dinner.

2323. (GRUNTS) Donny! You got a beef.

2324. (CHUCKLING) Thank you, Your Honor.

2325. You get some prosciutto, 'cause let's face it,

2326. you're all a bunch of hams!

2327. So funny. Wordplay!

2328. Showbiz folks. They're weird.

2329. Now, tell me a little bit about your girlfriend Robin.

2330. Oh, Robin's great.

2331. She's got skin, and her hair is just...

2332. You know, she's a girl.

2333. I'd love to meet her. Can't do that. Can't.

2334. Uh, I don't think she wants to come.

2335. It's a little too masculine an environment for... Her.

2336. Her. So...

2337. So, Donny... Yeah.

2338. when you were younger... Hmm.

2339. you wanted to be an actor. Yeah. Yeah.

2340. What happened to your dream?

2341. (STUTTERING) I got sick. Hmm.

2342. Uh, I, I caught a...

2343. I caught a, a bad cold that, uh, compromised my immune system,

2344. and I had to bow out of the theater scene for a while.

2345. Right, well, good luck with your AIDS, Donny.

2346. It's not AIDS.

2347. No, I thought we were gonna go into the minor bridge.

2348. Oh, my gosh. We're going to the minor bridge.

2349. It's just weird, 'cause I thought we'd discussed before

2350. that we were cutting out the bridge completely,

2351. so it's little weird. I think there's a song needs a bridge.

2352. Without a bridge, everyone drowns. Hmm.

2353. I know people live under the bridge sometimes.

2354. You smell a lot like pee. Not mine.

2355. You fascinate me.

2356. All right, bottom of the ninth, bases loaded,

2357. Wright steps to the plate...

2358. Guys...

2359. Come on, Denise, you're supposed to be the catcher. Come on.

2360. I ain't catching anything. Look alive!

2361. So, what do you think, life is just one big Daniel Tosh skit?

2362. I love Daniel Tosh. Yeah, he's random.

2363. Hey, what's up your skirt? I know it's not Scott with his limp dick.

2364. You guys promise to keep a secret?

2365. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

2366. Okay.

2367. I think I might be pregnant.

2368. What the... What?

2369. Have you told Scott yet?

2370. It ain't Scott's.

2371. What? What the...

2372. Denise, are you serious?

2373. How do you know?

2374. Scott and I don't do it like that.

2375. I told him I'm saving myself.

2376. You and Scott haven't done it yet?

2377. We do it the other way.

2378. What other way?

2379. Oh, for Christ's sake, Denise. Oh, come on, Denise.

2380. You're my sister.

2381. If it's not Scott's, then whose is it?

2382. It's Nick's.

2383. That's... Oh!

2384. I'm gonna kill him.

2385. You stay away from him, okay?

2386. We have a fatal attractiveness to each other.

2387. Yeah, you've mentioned that before. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

2388. Why aren't you setting up the shop?

2389. We were just having like, a meeting.

2390. Inventory.

2391. Two, three...

2392. Set up the shop.

2393. Case number 56.

2394. Charles and Audrey say Pat offered them a dance lesson,

2395. which ended in injury, because Pat don't know squat.

2396. Pat says Charles just wasn't focused enough.

2397. Okay, everybody stand up.

2398. The Honorable Judge Uncle Lou presiding.

2399. Okay, everybody go ahead and sit down.

2400. Again, Pat?

2401. Deli's in session. What's your beef?

2402. Okay, uh, Your Honor, a slight, uh, preface.

2403. My beautiful wife Audrey is substantially my junior.

2404. Yeah. Yeah.

2405. Uh, we have a May-September relationship.

2406. Love knows no calendar.

2407. Love doesn't have a calendar is what we always...

2408. We actually have a calendar that says that in our house.

2409. I've known Pat for a long time.

2410. Pat, I can feel his eyes on me. Is he allowed to do that?

2411. What? Lou.

2412. They were on you. I'm just lookin' around the room, Lou.

2413. He was just lookin' around the room.

2414. I can feel his murder eyes. They were right on him.

2415. I can't turn appropriately obviously because of my terrible injury.

2416. But I can feel his murder eyes

2417. trying to murder me from over there.

2418. Do you feel that? I felt it.

2419. Did I say that we have a May-September relationship?

2420. You did. Let's get to the beef. Okay.

2421. Our sex life... Lackluster is an understatement.

2422. Well, not always...

2423. I just don't want you to be so hard on yourself all the time.

2424. I have some performance issues.

2425. Several... Uh, couple of performance issues.

2426. Oh, honey, it's irrelevant to the case.

2427. I have some follow through issues, some intimacy issues.

2428. You don't have to say that in front of these people.

2429. I'm just saying. And then, of course,

2430. just straight-up equipment failure on some, on some level.

2431. I'll tell you what, you hang tight.

2432. Pat, what's going on?

2433. Okay, thank you.

2434. I'm not gonna tell you about the history of our marriage or,

2435. or you know... It's good. We love each other.

2436. He's a very graceful lover.

2437. We was on a double date.

2438. They mentioned they wanted to learn to dance.

2439. Is that true? Yeah.

2440. Yes. All right, continue.

2441. I offered to teach them how to dance the cha-cha.

2442. The cha-cha? Sure.

2443. It's one of the easiest dances in the world.

2444. Did you tell 'em you were an expert in the cha-cha?

2445. Define "expert."

2446. You define "expert."

2447. So now you are on a double date. What happened?

2448. We were watching So You Think You Can Dance.

2449. The best show. The best show.

2450. The best. Best show! The best show, okay?

2451. My God, it's so good. There's no question about it. Absolutely.

2452. Obviously we're not arguing that!

2453. The best! The best! The best!

2454. Oh! Obviously we are not arguing that!

2455. Okay, honey. There you go, baby. God bless you.

2456. I'm sorry about my performance issues, and the issues...

2457. Baby, I, we don't need to do this.

2458. We've been there. Do we gotta keep hearing about it?

2459. We retire to the, uh, the weight room/garage/

2460. as you were calling it at the time, the dance studio,

2461. which is full of workout equipment and a weight bar, specifically...

2462. It does too many things, this room.

2463. It's a garage, it's a weight studio... What are you...

2464. And a dance studio. What are you, a multipurpose room?

2465. It can only be two things, max.

2466. All right. Define "dance studio."

2467. Your Honor, if I had a time machine, I would never go take this lesson.

2468. I would go back and kill Hitler if I had a time machine.

2469. (ALL APPLAUD) Good point.

2470. Oh, come on. Thank you.

2471. I'm a good person. Thank you. You're a wonderful man.

2472. He'd kill Hitler. Honey, come on, we're human beings.

2473. Coming up, more Beef.

2474. Here's how the incident...

2475. This is, by the way, if you had a time machine, this is what would happen.

2476. Here's how the incident started.

2477. No, if you had a time machine...

2478. We'd kill Hitler. Hitler. Okay.

2479. And Mussolini.

2480. Whoa.

2481. Charles got injured during Pat's cha-cha lesson.

2482. Did you tell 'em you were an expert?

2483. Define "expert."

2484. But Charles has other stuff he wants to talk about.

2485. Our sex life, I have some performance issues.

2486. Let's get to the beef. Okay.

2487. You've had your double date. Yes.

2488. He mentions cha-cha. Yes.

2489. Because of that show...

2490. So You Think You Can Dance! The best show!

2491. It's the best fucking show! The best show.

2492. It's the best fucking show on TV. The best show.

2493. The best! The best! The best, the best!

2494. You go, you go back to Pat's garage/ dance studio.

2495. We enter the garage, we have a lackluster sex life,

2496. I've known Pat since we were altar boys... Baby, please move past that.

2497. I'll tell you what.

2498. Gentlemen, why don't you show me what the cha-cha is?

2499. Ah, Lou, these floors aren't... Oh, they're safer.

2500. Although, all right, now he cares, now he cares.

2501. I'd like to point out, now he's concerned about safety.

2502. Yeah, exactly. Now he's complaining.

2503. This isn't a good replication of my garage is what I'm saying.

2504. All right... Okay. He takes me...

2505. now I say, "May I approach you for this dance?"

2506. And I say, "Of course, good sir." "Of course, good sir."

2507. Yes. And his hand was on my hip,

2508. and that goes up there, because I'm the lady.

2509. Guys, show me the cha-cha already. Come on.

2510. One, two, cha-cha-cha.

2511. Two, two, cha-cha-cha. One, cha...

2512. This is all he taught me, sir. It's a very simple dance.

2513. That's the cha-cha! Yeah, it's very sexual.

2514. All you did was stand there stomping your feel and yelling, "Cha-cha-cha."

2515. That's a cha-cha, Lou!

2516. So where did you get this injury?

2517. They begin to cha-cha, but it's the first time he's ever done it,

2518. and it's a little dark, not all the light bulbs were in.

2519. I'm not telling you how to run your household... Yeah, you are.

2520. but not all the light bulbs were on. I take offense.

2521. I mean, come on. Define "light bulb."

2522. Do not define "light bulb."

2523. He could.

2524. I'm sure of it.

2525. Edison had toiled for years...

2526. You see this?

2527. Anyway, they were dancing around, pitch black basically.

2528. Basically. Oh, come on.

2529. Cut to, as they say in the movies...

2530. She's the best. (CHUCKLES)

2531. If I could perform sexually

2532. the level that she deserves... Honey, it's irrelevant to this.

2533. So anyway, they're dancing the cha-cha,

2534. and then the floor, slick, slippery. Then...

2535. There's a weight bench.

2536. Weight bench right behind 'em. He's driving me.

2537. He's, he's in charge. He's the man. Yeah.

2538. He's driving me back towards this weight bench.

2539. I don't know, I'm just a young innocent damsel.

2540. That's right. Hit the weight bench, weight bench collapses.

2541. A shoddily... You broke it.

2542. You broke the weight bench. I did not.

2543. The weight bench was already broken, sir. Is that true?

2544. Slightly.

2545. This is a shoddily made weight bench,

2546. it's made by children in China probably,

2547. something like that. Probably.

2548. Define "Chinese." Don't define "Chinese."

2549. Let's move on. Okay.

2550. He could. He could do it easily. I could.

2551. Moving the story along. So now...

2552. I feel like everyone's just looking right at them.

2553. People do tend to look at me.

2554. She's a nubile young lady,

2555. and if I could perform the way that she deserves,

2556. but I have a prob... Honey.

2557. When I get an erection, I, uh, automatically urinate.

2558. It's terrifying for some people. Why, honey?

2559. Apparently... You don't have to...

2560. It relates to my... keep saying, with the sex.

2561. Just, let me just get it out there so everybody knows.

2562. No, no, no, no, no, no. Everybody knows.

2563. Don't let, don't let the erection out. I'm not...

2564. I don't wanna hear the erection story.

2565. One, Lou, imagine what you could do with this if you had the powers...

2566. Please. Excuse me. If you had the powers of an even ordinary man.

2567. Can we get to my beef,

2568. which is that the reason he slipped in the first place,

2569. he was busy trying to sell me a water filter.

2570. Hold on, this is new evidence.

2571. That's not 100% true. That's not true.

2572. Were you or were you not trying to sell your filters

2573. to Pat over here while you were doing the cha-cha?

2574. My wife is much... Simple question.

2575. My wife is much younger than me... Excuse me, sir.

2576. I have sexual performance issues... Excuse me.

2577. Come on... Excuse me.

2578. I don't wanna hear the erection no more.

2579. There's another problem... No!

2580. Keep the erection in your mouth.

2581. Now, were you or were you not

2582. trying to sell Pat here some water filters

2583. while you were doing the cha-cha?

2584. Define "selling."

2585. Coming up, more Beef.

2586. One of my testicles is enormous.

2587. Don't you think they should pay people with carrots?

2588. Where's the beef? (LAUGHS)

2589. Denise thinks she's preggers.

2590. Have you told Scott yet? It ain't Scott's.

2591. What?

2592. You're on a double date. What happened?

2593. We were watching So You Think You Can Dance.

2594. Charles got injured dancing with Pat.

2595. Most men are born with a muscle at the base, basically, of the penis...

2596. I don't wanna hear the erection no more.

2597. Pat. Yo.

2598. Anything else to add here?

2599. I'm just guilty of being a friend.

2600. Wow.

2601. And loving So You Think You Can Dance,

2602. which is the best show on TV. We are not...

2603. I don't wanna go on about it. Nothing wrong with that.

2604. We can't argue about it! It's impossible.

2605. We're chasing... It's the best show.

2606. It's the best fucking show on TV!

2607. We agree. It's... What? It's a splendid show.

2608. We agree. We all agree.

2609. It's a great show.

2610. All right, well, now I'm gonna retire to contemplate this case.

2611. Okay, everybody go ahead and stand up.

2612. Okay, sit back down.

2613. I love you. I love you.

2614. Both of you. You guys are coming over, right?

2615. I love you, too. Of course. After this?

2616. I'll make mostaccioli. Of course we are.

2617. You look beautiful, by the way. Thank you.

2618. Okay, so Lou's done thinking about it.

2619. Everybody stand up.

2620. Okay, everybody sit back down.

2621. Well, to be honest, after not much deliberation 'cause, Pat,

2622. you are such a pain in my balls,

2623. Audrey and Charles, you got a beef.

2624. Oh! Oh! Be careful.

2625. We won. Now listen to me.

2626. I don't do this very often,

2627. but I'm gonna give ya this beautiful lamb...

2628. 'cause you two, you obviously love each other,

2629. you're very loving.

2630. It's May-September.

2631. You need to be gentle with each other.

2632. And, Charles, you gotta be gentle with yourself.

2633. So you got a peein' erection, it don't matter. That's right.

2634. You're still a man. He's exactly right.

2635. All right, there you are.

2636. And I don't wanna hear about no more classes in your garage, Pat.

2637. Hopefully you won't have to. I'll make sure of it.

2638. All right, thank you. He put up a sign for Zumba.

2639. You should tell him now if you don't want them to do it.

2640. Charles, we're done now. He's got a Zumba sign up.

2641. We got our lamb. Let's... What does that mean, Zumba?

2642. It's for me, I Zumba. Okay.

2643. Are we done? We're done. Well done.

2644. Let's go.

2645. Love you. I love you so much.

2646. Pat, come on.

2647. Lynn Vanderloo standing outside Lou's Meat Market.

2648. Charles and Audrey, come on in, guys.

2649. So I guess my first question for the both of you is,

2650. can you describe the nature of your relationship?

2651. Sure. Honey? It's a May-September.

2652. She being the May.

2653. I mean, a normal man would go crazy with this, you know.

2654. I know I'm going crazy over here.

2655. I can't do that. Boys.

2656. Yeah, I can't do that, of course, so...

2657. Oh, I'm hard as a rock. Yeah.

2658. Now, Charles, I know you sell water filtration systems.

2659. Most of the water in your house, you got a million toxins.

2660. It's poison. Straight poison. Straight poison.

2661. I've been making that argument for years,

2662. that the water in our rivers and streams

2663. and that comes out of our faucets... Mm-hmm.

2664. is literally poison put there

2665. by the government to give us AIDS. Mmm-hmm. Yeah...

2666. And that's why so many babies are dying.

2667. Did you know that?

2668. I'm gonna look... I'm gonna google that as soon as I get home.

2669. Pat and Gina.

2670. Gina and Pat.

2671. Hey, Lynn. Yeah.

2672. Is he okay? I don't know.

2673. I have Hep C.

2674. I know Lou... Ugh!

2675. told you not to teach any more classes in your garage.

2676. What's your best class?

2677. I'd say Physics.

2678. Physics. Jesus Christ, Lynn.

2679. Well, as always, I wish you the best with your classes.

2680. You guys, I took the test.

2681. I ain't with child!

2682. (ALL CHEERING) Hey, that's great! Good for you!

2683. Hey! Hey, Scottie!

2684. Hey! Hey, hey! Hey, Scottie! Whoa!

2685. Come in for a black and white and I get a celebration, huh?

2686. Whoa! Whoa! What's this all about?

2687. I'm ready to do it the other way.

2688. I thought we were doing it the other way.

2689. No, the other, other way.

2690. What you talking about? The back or the front?

2691. The original way! I love you. Let's go.

2692. Oh, my... All right, see ya, Scottie!

2693. Good to see ya. Congratulations, Denise.

2694. Hello! Yeah, he's right here.

2695. Manny, it's for you. The Village People.

2696. They want their pants back. (ALL LAUGHING)

2697. Good. Good, good.

2698. Uh, just so you guys know,

2699. I happen to be putting myself out there, back into the dating pool.

2700. And I think these look fantastic!

2701. Manny? Yeah?

2702. Hey, Godspeed and, uh, good luck there, huh?

2703. Yeah, it's really good. You haven't dated anybody since Maureen.

2704. Oh, yeah, Maureen. That's the one you met at the off-track betting, yeah?

2705. She's the one that drained your bank account.

2706. She stole your Seiko, right? That's right.

2707. The one that just broke my heart and took my bank account

2708. and took my Seiko. Yeah.

2709. That was a great watch. Had a light on it.

2710. I'm not gonna think about it anymore.

2711. I'm just gonna sit down and work on my forms.

2712. We'll be good to go.

2713. Now serving case number 94.

2714. Mama Ramona's waiter, Clovis,

2715. feels he was discriminated against

2716. when he was fired by his boss, Mr. Richie.

2717. Mr. Richie insists that Clovis' condition

2718. makes it very difficult for the customers to like him.

2719. Therefore, not good for business.

2720. Okay, everybody stand up.

2721. The Honorable Uncle Lou presiding.

2722. Okay, everybody sit down.

2723. Deli's now in session! What's your beef?

2724. Uh, hello. Hello, sir.

2725. I'm here because, um,

2726. I believe I was fired from my position in Mama Ramona's restaurant

2727. with, uh, unjust cause and prejudice

2728. because of my, uh, prophylac-lalia condition.

2729. Which means that I, uh, basically I have a condition

2730. where I scream out words involuntarily and, uh,

2731. it's an affliction of my life

2732. that I have to deal with every day.

2733. What do you gotta say about that?

2734. Look, Mr. Lou, we've been running the restaurant since 1946.

2735. We've never fired a wait staff.

2736. But I can't have a waiter, poor Clovis here, nice boy,

2737. screaming the c-word every couple of minutes in front of the customers.

2738. Cunt! What?

2739. I'm sorry, sir. All right, so that's my condition.

2740. I involuntarily... Cunt.

2741. Scream out words. Hey!

2742. It's going to happen continually and I have to apologize

2743. for all of them right now. Whoa. Whoa. This is a...

2744. It doesn't reflect how I feel about you

2745. or about the, uh, proceedings. Cunt.

2746. Hey! Hey! Watch your mouth!

2747. My sister's here, you dirty little... Oh! Hello?

2748. It's a place of business! Shut your mouth!

2749. Hey. I'm sorry.

2750. I don't mean to show any disrespect.

2751. I love women. I hate this word.

2752. It's right. He's a good waiter, he's a good boy.

2753. More than the evil one himself, sir, I hate this word.

2754. It's because of my condition, not because of any malice in my heart. Cunt!

2755. What's the matter with you?

2756. It's what I have to deal with every day.

2757. I had a customer who got a third degree burn

2758. one time when he said the c-word,

2759. 'cause they were so startled. I almost got a lawsuit.

2760. Uh, I can't do that.

2761. Sir, I've always said the tomato sauce is too hot

2762. and I don't know why we bring it in a gravy boat.

2763. I don't know why... There's plenty of food...

2764. The food is prepared beautifully the first time in the kitchen. You know...

2765. Um, cunt. Oh, my God!

2766. Just wanna say, he's really good

2767. at grating the parmesan right, you know?

2768. He does the scrape-scrape-tap. That's...

2769. There's an art to that. It's a skill.

2770. And he's really good at it. I love my job, sir.

2771. I play with the customers. You know, if there's a kid at the table,

2772. I say "It looks like you brought the meatball already."

2773. And that always get... And I do the...

2774. the mouth.

2775. And the... You know, I love my job at Mama Ramona's,

2776. and I don't wanna lose it. Cunt.

2777. Well, you seem like a fine young man.

2778. Um, you take your job seriously.

2779. According to him, you're very good at your job.

2780. You wore your uniform here today.

2781. No, sir. No, this is, uh...

2782. I bought this for the, for the proceedings today, out of respect.

2783. Oh. We wear Hawaiian shirts at the restaurant.

2784. It's a Hawaiian-Italian restaurant.

2785. Italian food with a Hawaiian spin. It's a fun environment.

2786. You know, we got pineapple gnocchi.

2787. What about that one time when someone,

2788. that one woman asked you what the specials were? What'd you say?

2789. Oh, that cunt came into the place...

2790. Hey. Come on.

2791. Let's keep 'em to the involuntary ones, okay? What?

2792. But that was one time, sir.

2793. So, was you born this way, or, uh, what,

2794. you get an infection or something?

2795. Basically, there was an unfortunate accident

2796. that happened with my cousin LJ,

2797. who's just this big guy, you know, he's a big meatball.

2798. And, like, uh, we thought we would reenact, like,

2799. the, uh, UFC 112 fight. Uh-huh.

2800. You know, I'm Matt Veach, he's Paul Kelly.

2801. He gets me in the guillotine choke, and he just, like, hangs on.

2802. And he just hangs on too tight and don't let...

2803. Just for too long, and then I black out.

2804. And when I come to, I got my whole life in shambles.

2805. Basically, that's the story. Cunt.

2806. And I wanna die. Cunt.

2807. Part of me wishes he would have finished me off, you know,

2808. the same way I wish that Paul Kelly would've finished Matt Veach off.

2809. That meatball, you know, he's always running his mouth.

2810. Okay. Yeah, all right. Let's not say that.

2811. Coming up, more Beef.

2812. You can't be blurting out that word in front of the little kids.

2813. I'm hoping that word will become more accepted in years to come.

2814. Cunt. What?

2815. Clovis has a problem.

2816. I involuntarily, uh... Cunt.

2817. Scream out words. Hey!

2818. But, he says, it shouldn't have cost him his job

2819. at Mama Ramona's restaurant.

2820. Cunt. What's the matter with you?

2821. It's what I have to deal with every day.

2822. Is there some other position that maybe we could, uh, put Clovis in here?

2823. Yeah well, I mean, I was, I was thinking about putting him in the back.

2824. My place is up front, sir. I'm a waiter till I die.

2825. Or I get a better job.

2826. I'm a people person, sir, you know?

2827. I belong up front with the kids,

2828. with these little meatballs. I don't wanna

2829. have to lose them be... Cunt...

2830. Because I keep betraying myself.

2831. Look, maybe we can find a compromise.

2832. I mean, can't you put your hand over your mouth before this word comes out?

2833. Sir, I wish it was that simple.

2834. Cunt. But I'm not in any... I don't have any control of when I say it,

2835. and I don't have, uh...

2836. There's no real, cunt, warning, really,

2837. for when it's gonna come out.

2838. You know? It's like closing the barn door

2839. after the horses ran out.

2840. The horses were cunts. Excuse me, sir.

2841. Wait a second. You said that one on purpose.

2842. That one made sense in a sentence.

2843. No, sir. I, promise you,

2844. cunt, I did not mean to use that word in the...

2845. I meant to say that the horses were c-words.

2846. I understand. We'll let it slide.

2847. Cunt.

2848. You looked me in the eye when you said it that time.

2849. It's like you were saying it to me.

2850. I'm sorry. I was looking you in the eye at the moment, cunt.

2851. And it just, you know... I, I'm sorry. I don't have any control.

2852. I appreciate you. I respect you.

2853. Uncle Lou, he's fucking faking it.

2854. You say that to me one more time,

2855. I'll break your fucking neck.

2856. Sir, I promise you, I'm not doing it on purpose.

2857. Cunt. I'm sorry, I'm... I just... All right.

2858. He doesn't mean it. Lou, I swear to God...

2859. I have so much respect for this courtroom, but this little asshole...

2860. Enter the cooler.

2861. I understand you're upset. I'm going to the cooler?

2862. Go to the cooler.

2863. Put me in the cooler? Put me in the cooler?

2864. Call me a cunt? He's the cunt.

2865. You Jesse Eisenberg-looking fuck.

2866. He called me the c-word on purpose!

2867. The sentence made sense.

2868. I'm just sorry that he had to get...

2869. Quiet! Quiet. Sent back there because of me.

2870. You made me put him in the cooler.

2871. Cunt. It was... Sir, sir... Sir, Okay, motherfucker.

2872. I'm sorry. He was being a cunt.

2873. You want me to put you in the cooler with him?

2874. I'm a cunt? I'm a cunt? You're a cunt.

2875. What'd you say, cunt?

2876. You looking at me, you cunt?

2877. I got a condition I can't control, sir. All right.

2878. And, you know, if I gotta go stick my face

2879. in a pillow someplace, I'll do it.

2880. I'm gonna deliberate.

2881. Hey, you should keep me in here for a little bit longer.

2882. I like it in here! I'm the king of the cooler!

2883. Okay, I'm cool.

2884. Okay, uh, me and Uncle Lou talked and, uh,

2885. he's done thinking about this little piece of shit.

2886. So, uh, stand up. Okay, sit down.

2887. Now, in this particular case, I had to dig deep. Go into...

2888. Cunt.

2889. local, state and federal statutes.

2890. And I found that you cannot discriminate

2891. against someone because of the color of their skin,

2892. creed, which means what you believe, uh,

2893. your sexual preferences, and whether... Cunt.

2894. Stop saying that, motherfucker!

2895. Sorry.

2896. Whatever. So, I'm sorry, but I gotta rule in favor of Clovis.

2897. Are you kidding me?

2898. You got a beef. Thank you, sir.

2899. You also got a Genoa salami. Enjoy.

2900. Thank you. It's ridiculous.

2901. Richie, I'm gonna be so good for you.

2902. I'm gonna do... I'm gonna put my heart into that job.

2903. Thank you, cunt.

2904. Richie, you're a bigger cunt than he is, you fucking meatball.

2905. Hey, what the fuck? Are you kidding me?

2906. What the fuck? Hey, get back here!

2907. Seemed like a nice kid.

2908. Lynn Vanderloo, standing outside Lou's Meat Market,

2909. where we're about to meet today's plaintiff,

2910. the winner in today's case.

2911. Clovis, congratulations. Hey, Lynn.

2912. Thank you.

2913. So, kind of a tough case today.

2914. You came in, you presented an unusual case for Lou.

2915. But in the end, you were victorious. What was your strategy?

2916. Uh, basically, yeah, that's right.

2917. Basically, cunt, I just, you know, I just... Cunt.

2918. Cunt. Exact... I, uh... Cunt.

2919. Basically, I told them, like, "Hey, I don't mean to..." Cunt.

2920. Cunt. Uh, "be doing this."

2921. And, like, you know, the cunt, like... Cunt.

2922. Basically, uh, says to me, you know,

2923. "It's cool, it's cool. Like, it's not your fault." Whatever.

2924. He like understood where I was coming from and stuff, yeah.

2925. No, he's a good fucking cunt.

2926. Cunt. Cunt.

2927. All right. Now, let's meet today's loser.

2928. The defendant, Richie Ramona.

2929. Well? Um, I don't like being called a loser.

2930. I just...

2931. Fuck you, you piece of shit.

2932. Well, this has been Ly...

2933. Now serving case number 77!

2934. Scott...

2935. Hey, honey!

2936. says his friend Keith is a cheapskate

2937. who embarrassed him during a trip to Yankee Stadium.

2938. Keith says he did what Scott asked

2939. Scott just needs to chillax.

2940. Okay, everybody stand up!

2941. The Honorable Uncle Lou presiding.

2942. Okay, everybody, go ahead and sit down.

2943. What's your beef?

2944. Hey, Uncle Lou! Thanks for having me here.

2945. Don't call me that.

2946. Uh, okay. This is one of my best friends right here, Keith.

2947. I've known him my whole life.

2948. Right. All right. We're good buds.

2949. Okay, so it's his birthday, so I get him a gratis Yankee ticket.

2950. All right? That means free.

2951. How'd you score two Yankees tickets? I got 'em from Manny.

2952. I won 'em from Fat Tony

2953. when I sucked him out of the river with an inside straight.

2954. But I hate the Yanks, so, you know.

2955. Thanks for the tickets, bud. Whatever.

2956. Go Mets! Go Yanks!

2957. So he and I are having a nice time. Right.

2958. We're having fun. All I ask is that he pays for a beer and some nuts...

2959. Because that's like a nice gesture to do. A gr...

2960. Did you concur you were having a nice time up until that time?

2961. I was having a great time, really great game. It was a really fun game.

2962. Did you pay for the beer and nuts?

2963. Yeah, I bought exactly the beer and the nuts.

2964. What's the beef?

2965. He didn't tip at all.

2966. That's not your beef. That's the vendor's beef.

2967. No, that's my beef. He made us look like a couple of meatballs.

2968. Did I? Did I make us look like meatballs?

2969. Or did I make us look like people who pay money for beer and nuts?

2970. What was the bill?

2971. It was 12 bucks a beer, eight bucks for the nuts, times two.

2972. Oh! So we're talking 40 bucks before a tip here.

2973. I got a relationship with the stadium, okay?

2974. I'm a Bleacher Creature. Okay?

2975. I'm not gonna be welcome next time.

2976. Okay. Here's my thing. I don't need to pay that guy's salary.

2977. I said thank you for the beer, thank you for the nuts.

2978. That's the end of my customer/guy-serving-food relationship.

2979. You wouldn't know anything about it.

2980. You don't have to work for a living like this guy, okay?

2981. What? So I got a settlement because a guy broke my collarbone in a bar fight?

2982. That's my fault? And even the vendor don't get paid well at all.

2983. Is that my fault? It's not my fault!

2984. It's America's fault! And we gotta fix the system.

2985. Are you kidding me? I didn't choose America! America chose me, all right?

2986. I was born here! Whoa! Whoa!

2987. I didn't move here and say, "I'm gonna go fix this piece of shit!"

2988. It's not my... Hey, hey!

2989. This is America you're talking about. Watch your mouth!

2990. Sorry, I got carried away. I'm just saying.

2991. It ain't my responsibility to fix all the societal ills!

2992. Well, you can't fix it all, but why don't you start with the man in the mirror?

2993. That's Michael Jackson, the King of Pop!

2994. I think he knows a thing or two... Don't quote Jackson at me.

2995. Don't quote Jackson at me, no. About yourself and mirrors.

2996. That's not germane.

2997. He understood what it was to... Germane?

2998. Jermaine. He's one of Michael's brothers.

2999. He was in, uh, Jackson Five. No.

3000. He looks real weird now. He looks a lot like LaToya now.

3001. I still don't understand what you're getting at.

3002. I'm trying to say, it's not pertinent to the conversation, Your Honor.

3003. I don't remember a Pertinent Jackson.

3004. You got your peanuts and beer.

3005. What more do you want from me?

3006. Just a little tip for the vendor!

3007. I want you to crawl out of my asshole!

3008. I'd like to call a witness to the stand.

3009. Okay? All right.

3010. Food Vendor Eddie.

3011. Hey, how you doing, huh?

3012. All right, who is this?

3013. He was the guy who was not tipped, appropriately or at all.

3014. All right, what's your story?

3015. Yeah, so, uh...

3016. I've been doing this a long time, you know.

3017. Over 30 years and I seen it all.

3018. Streakers and foul balls

3019. and one time that actor from Friends, uh, what's his name?

3020. Somethin' Perry?

3021. Yeah, yeah. Right. Yeah, yeah. Tyler Perry.

3022. He told me my fly was undone and it really was undone.

3023. It was great. Right.

3024. But this is also a really tough job, Your Honor Lou.

3025. You know, you gotta go up and down those grandstands all the time with this case.

3026. I got a bad neck, a bad back.

3027. I got a bulging disc and chronic lumbago.

3028. So, we rely on tips, you know. Yeah, well...

3029. It's like what Winston Churchill said,

3030. "Never was so much owed by so many to so few."

3031. Only in my case it would be like,

3032. "Never was so little owed by one guy to me,"

3033. and I got stiffed. Uh-huh.

3034. Look, hey! Food Vendor Eddie,

3035. I'm not trying to say I'm disrespecting you or nothing

3036. but you chose this job. Nobody forced you into it, all right?

3037. That's not on me. Someone did force me into it, my friend!

3038. What?

3039. When I was 15 years old, my good for nothing alcoholic father

3040. was a locker room attendant at the stadium.

3041. And he lost a bet to George Steinbrenner.

3042. And he gave away his son's vendor service for 50 years!

3043. I've been slinging beers and popcorn and peanuts at guys like you ever since.

3044. Well, now, how the shit am I supposed to know that

3045. when I flag you down for a pint and a sack?

3046. Just a couple of bucks. I had no idea.

3047. Why didn't you tell me this guy had some fucking epic saga?

3048. I didn't know it was Lord of the Rings over here working the beer and nut!

3049. We all got stories, friend.

3050. Coming up, more Beef.

3051. Sorry, Uncle Lou, I was just telling a joke.

3052. Don't call me that. Sorry, Lou.

3053. Don't call me that. What do you want me to call you?

3054. Call him "Your Honor," numb nuts.

3055. Your Honor... Be quiet.

3056. What more do you want from me?

3057. Just a little tip for the vendor!

3058. Scottie says his friend Keith was a cheapskate to poor Food Vendor Eddie.

3059. My good for nothing alcoholic father lost a bet to George Steinbrenner.

3060. And he gave away his son's vendor service for 50 years!

3061. Uh, Eddie, uh, can you demonstrate for the court your peanut slinging abilities?

3062. Yes, Your Honor Lou.

3063. Peanuts here, peanuts! Hey-o!

3064. Peanuts?

3065. Okay. Why didn't you catch it?

3066. Why didn't I catch it? It was right to ya.

3067. Because my arms aren't 8 feet long! I'm not a gibbon.

3068. You all right? Relax. Okay.

3069. Just throw it right to him. Okay, yes, Your Honor.

3070. You think your father lost that bet?

3071. Steinbrenner lost that bet.

3072. This is what I'm supposed to be tipping for?

3073. It's like having someone with fish eyes toss the peanuts around!

3074. Excuse me! This guy, this is the American experience.

3075. All right.

3076. (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) All right. All right! All right!

3077. To the cooler! To cool out.

3078. (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) You guys will cool off a little.

3079. Looks like you guys got a little hot!

3080. Is this what I get? Huh?

3081. This is what I get? This is what you get? It's what I get.

3082. For gratis Yankees tickets 'cause you...

3083. 'Cause you're one of my best friends in the whole world?

3084. You're one of my best friends!

3085. I'm trying to save money so I could buy you another beer

3086. a couple innings later and this is the thanks I get?

3087. Yeah, that's nice! Well, I would appreciate that,

3088. because you understand me more than anybody else!

3089. You listen! More than any other guy I know!

3090. Eddie.

3091. Right here.

3092. Don't think that's a good idea, Uncle Lou.

3093. No, no, hold on.

3094. Peanuts here!

3095. All right.

3096. I'll pay for that.

3097. You missed that! It was right in front of your face! I can't hear this!

3098. I can't hear this right now! No, look at me! Come on!

3099. You're too good! You're too good.

3100. Those were great seats.

3101. You wanna look the other way so we can both cry?

3102. Yeah.

3103. All right.

3104. After much deliberation, I am, uh, prepared to render a verdict.

3105. Now, even though Eddie has led a life of indentured servitude,

3106. because of his father's misdeeds,

3107. we must understand that it is not incumbent upon Keith to make that life better.

3108. Thus,

3109. Scott you got no beef!

3110. Now, Keith?

3111. Because I don't like your cheapness, you get nothing.

3112. Eddie, come here.

3113. I was saving this for the eventual winner

3114. but he's such a douchebag, it goes to you.

3115. But wait, there's more.

3116. You see this roast? It's a beautiful, beautiful thing.

3117. Oh! You enjoy it, all right?

3118. God bless you, Lou! God bless you!

3119. You're a hard-working man, unlike some people in this courtroom.

3120. You're a good man, Lou.

3121. Keith, you had a lot of strong points in there, today, about society.

3122. And I have to ask. Why do you hate America so much?

3123. There's a lot that's wrong with America, man, you know?

3124. I mean, all you gotta do is open your eyes and look around, you know?

3125. You see all this stuff, like, people not crossing at the crosswalks

3126. and garbage on the sidewalks... Shadow people.

3127. You mean like people who follow you all day long or...

3128. The shadow people are the invisible people that live in another dimension,

3129. but visit our dimension and specifically are targeting America.

3130. Is that why you wear the number 16?

3131. I think after 16 colonies, we overdid it, you know?

3132. We expanded too fast. All right?

3133. We weren't able to sustain the glory that made America,

3134. America at the beginning, you know?

3135. So every state, 17 and on was...

3136. I don't know if that's Ohio or what...

3137. But they should be kaput.

3138. Keith, I'm thinking of being more of an asshole. What's your secret?

3139. The fuck is that supposed to mean?

3140. Walk through, walk through.

3141. So, Eddie, an unexpected turn of events there at the end.

3142. Yeah, I don't know what to say.

3143. What would Winston Churchill say, Eddie?

3144. I think, uh, Winston Churchill would say

3145. that this was my finest hour.

3146. I think so, too, Eddie. Yeah.

3147. I think so, too.

3148. I find at Yankee Stadium, the bathrooms,

3149. the toilets especially, are almost always clogged with shit.

3150. Yeah, yeah. Always.

3151. A lot of the times when I shit at the stadium,

3152. it's already capacity. Mmm-hmm.

3153. What you wanna do is you wanna bring a plastic ruler

3154. and you wanna rub it along the edge of the seat and just level it off.

3155. But, like, what if they catch you with that?

3156. You understand? Like, they search you before you go into games. So...

3157. Here's what you say, "I'm measuring."

3158. Okay, and then you're okay to go in with the ruler?

3159. Honestly, the conversations that I have with the people at Yankee Stadium...

3160. I don't have tickets to get into the stadium.

3161. I'm standing outside the stadium saying,

3162. "I'm measuring, I'm measuring!"

3163. And I've never been stopped once.

3164. How do you know about the...

3165. The toilet problem in the stadium if you've never been inside?

3166. You just told me.

3167. Yes, I just told you, but you seem to have some sort of experience with this before.

3168. I said, "Yes, sometimes I don't shit, because it mounds up and..."

3169. What you wanna do is you wanna get a plastic ruler

3170. and you take it and you slide it along the top and you just level it off.

3171. Have you ever taken a shit inside of Yankee Stadium?

3172. I've never been in Yankee Stadium, pal.

3173. Then what're you doing with that ruler? What are you...

3174. Measuring!

3175. So, this morning, I'm getting Frank Jr. ready for school. Yeah?

3176. Drops his first f-bomb. Fucking-A!

3177. (ALL CHEERING) Congratulations!

3178. That's what I said. But Lynn, she freaks out!

3179. She's like, "Go punish your son!"

3180. Fuck that.

3181. So I say, "Go to the bathroom, wash your mouth out with soap."

3182. You gave him the wink. Yeah, he missed the signal.

3183. Stunad drinks a whole jar of Purell!

3184. Yeah, Lynn's down at the hospital right now, getting his stomach pumped.

3185. If he ever cusses again, she's gonna say the d-word.

3186. Dildo. Divorce.

3187. Divorce.

3188. Dildo? The first thing you think of when you hear d-word is dildo?

3189. Ah, it was just the first thing that came into my mouth, my mind.

3190. Anthony, what's going on? What happened?

3191. Can I tell you guys something?

3192. And just... I want you to have an open mind. Okay?

3193. All right.

3194. The other day, we went to Sharon's, uh, bridal party.

3195. They had a gift basket lying around. Bunch of novelty stuff.

3196. I was feeling a little peckish.

3197. So I grabbed what I thought, at the time, was a chocolate dildo.

3198. And, uh, well... (CHUCKLES)

3199. Bonehead me!

3200. Not until it was completely all the way down my throat

3201. did I realize that it was not chocolate,

3202. it was in fact a regular rubber African-American- style dildo.

3203. Okay. So many things are wrong about this.

3204. It went all the way down your throat before you tasted it wasn't chocolate?

3205. Then you put it back into the bridal basket?

3206. Yeah, I took a thing and I wiped it off and I put it back.

3207. So... Uh!

3208. And I looked at it again and I wasn't completely convinced

3209. at that point still that it was not chocolate. So, I tried again.

3210. Case number 16.

3211. Roger says he hired Pat 'cause he wanted to learn guitar

3212. to play a song at his wedding, but didn't learn a damn thing.

3213. Pat is counter-beefin' that he didn't get paid,

3214. and that Roger owes him for damages.

3215. Okay, everybody stand up.

3216. Honorable Judge Uncle Lou presiding.

3217. Okay, everybody go ahead and sit down.

3218. Deli's in session.

3219. What's your beefs?

3220. Hello, Pat. Hey, Lou, what do you say?

3221. I wanted to learn to play, uh, Van Halen's Eruption for my wedding.

3222. Right. Okay, it's an extremely demanding song...

3223. but my love for my fiancee is volcanic.

3224. This gentleman had flyers posted all over town

3225. advertising his services as a guitar teacher.

3226. He did come looking for me. I didn't start this. I...

3227. Well, because you had flyers up.

3228. To be honest, I forgot I put those flyers up. That was a long time ago.

3229. I forgot those were up.

3230. I make an appointment. I show up to the "classroom," I walk in...

3231. His garage. It's a garage.

3232. It stinks of Bengay.

3233. Probably off-brand Bengay because of his character and pedigree as a human being.

3234. Well, just... Tiger Balm.

3235. It's got all the same ingredients. It's, it's the same.

3236. So already, I'm expecting a classroom

3237. and I'm confronted with the stench of Chinese Bengay,

3238. and there were various tapioca pudding cups... Yep.

3239. all over the place.

3240. His midriff is out like some sort of ghostly cummerbund from hell. Okay?

3241. My wife shrunk my shirt! That's not...

3242. That has nothing to do with guitar.

3243. It is the same shirt. He has not changed clothes.

3244. That's right. Let's stick with the, uh, beef. Okay.

3245. I say, "Hey, I'm here for my guitar lesson." Right.

3246. He takes out a, a Guitar Hero controller.

3247. What's a Guitar Hero?

3248. It's like a video game... It's a head-to-head guitar simulation.

3249. where you play guitar on it, and you play,

3250. instead of strings it's got some buttons.

3251. You can play against a friend or by yourself.

3252. Ah.

3253. This will all make sense, Lou. No, it won't.

3254. Now, you know what doesn't make sense? This is my personal beef.

3255. In this day and age in America,

3256. you call a hero a video game.

3257. In my day, a hero was a hero.

3258. You had your, your, your, Reggie Jackson,

3259. you had your Rudy Giuliani. Continue.

3260. Okay. He beckons me over to the only piece of furniture in the room,

3261. which is a recliner. He says, "Cozy up." Sit on my knee.

3262. Yeah. And I'm sitting on his knee,

3263. which is infantilizing and weird,

3264. and we play Guitar Hero.

3265. Slow Ride by Foghat, again and again.

3266. I hate that song. And I keep thinking... Yes, a terrible song.

3267. You gotta walk before you can fly.

3268. That's what he said. He said, uh, "Look at a hawk.

3269. "A hawk has to learn to walk, then run, then fly."

3270. And I said, "I've never seen a hawk run."

3271. They're nocturnal. They do it at night when you're sleeping.

3272. So evidently, he doesn't have any plans to teach me guitar.

3273. He just wants to, uh, have a video game party.

3274. I got my techniques.

3275. After 45 minutes, I said, "Look,

3276. "I need to know how to play this song. My wedding is coming up."

3277. And he said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I gotta go to the MinuteClinic to get my dick medication."

3278. Pat, is that true?

3279. It's a heat rash. It's not VD or nothing. It's scaly.

3280. All right, continue.

3281. So at this point I've already given him, uh, 50 dollars,

3282. which I know he's just gonna use, you know...

3283. For dick money. Dick money.

3284. 45 dollars for a tube of dick cream.

3285. Coming up, more Beef.

3286. What are you doing? You don't even got strings on this thing!

3287. 'Cause he broke it! Oh, yeah, there weren't strings to begin with.

3288. My grandpa was killed in a hit-and-run by Yo-Yo Ma.

3289. I kissed you!

3290. Frank's kid is swearing.

3291. If he ever cusses again, it's gonna be me drinking the soap.

3292. Anthony is snacking.

3293. I grabbed what I thought was a chocolate dildo.

3294. Roger says Pat's a crappy teacher.

3295. I wanted to learn to play guitar.

3296. He just wants to have a video game party.

3297. My fiancee and I had an agreement.

3298. We're both gonna face our fears

3299. before our wedding. Right.

3300. So I said, "I'm gonna learn to play guitar,

3301. "and you're gonna learn to not be so scared of rats

3302. "and not be scared of saying, 'I love you.'"

3303. Oh. All right. Okay?

3304. And she's made a lot of progress on the rats.

3305. What was the deal? You, you got a problem with music or something?

3306. Well, uh, when I was 11

3307. my grandpa was killed in a hit-and-run by Yo-Yo Ma.

3308. Yo-Yo Ma and Itzhak Perlman did an assembly at a school near where I live,

3309. and they got drunk, and next thing I know there's a, a cerulean Mercedes-Benz

3310. cruising towards Pop-Pop, and, uh...

3311. And Yo-Yo Ma didn't even stop.

3312. He threw a signed poster out the window,

3313. and he said, "This'll cover it."

3314. And ever since that day I have been frightened of string instruments,

3315. because I associate them with the death of my favorite grandfather.

3316. I understand.

3317. But I was gonna face that fear, and he destroyed that.

3318. Can we get to my counter-beef?

3319. By all means. Go ahead.

3320. Okay, we did play video games, but I was warming him up.

3321. You have to get your dexterity down.

3322. And, uh, after about 13 battles,

3323. he, uh, gets fed up and he takes my controller and he throws it across the room.

3324. Here you go.

3325. Take that over to Lou.

3326. It's broken. It's not supposed to look like that.

3327. How do you know it wasn't like a Pete Townsend type thing?

3328. You know, maybe you just kinda banged it up.

3329. Well, he was just mad, uh, because he was not good at Guitar Hero.

3330. What was happening was he would set my controller on hard and his on easy.

3331. So there was an asymmetry in the difficulty of the game.

3332. All right, when's your wedding?

3333. In one hour.

3334. What's the matter with you? What are you doing here?

3335. Well, I don't wanna go to the altar with a beef on my chest.

3336. I'll tell you what, I respect that.

3337. I'm gonna think about this.

3338. I've rendered my decision.

3339. Roger, you got a beef.

3340. And now look, hey, get out of here,

3341. but take this wedding sausage with you.

3342. All right? God bless, good luck. Thank you.

3343. Capisce? (CHUCKLES) Right. Right.

3344. See ya... Pat, come here.

3345. Oh. God damn it.

3346. Look, I'm so sick of having you in here.

3347. Trouble finds me. What can I say?

3348. No, I think you go out and you staple trouble all over the telephone poles.

3349. Pat, you gotta stop. I'm sick of seeing ya.

3350. Sick? Yeah.

3351. Get outta here. See you next time, guys.

3352. See you soon, Pat. Take care.

3353. Bye. Bye, Denise.

3354. Pants are falling down. That's all right.

3355. Congratulations. You won your case. You had a beef.

3356. Yeah, I prevailed. (CHUCKLES)

3357. But I gotta go to my, to my wedding now.

3358. Yeah, it was a big day, you're getting married, and you won your case.

3359. That's right. Yeah, yeah. Uh, we actually...

3360. I don't wanna be rude, but we only have the pavilion for, uh, a tight 65 minutes,

3361. so I, I gotta get going. Of course.

3362. But before you go... Okay.

3363. a quick question.

3364. Roger, what is a hero?

3365. I'm going to be honest. My... Our pastor is a hard-ass. Mmm-hmm.

3366. And, uh, he's a, he's a ballbreaker, so, uh,

3367. (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) if I, uh...

3368. No, absolutely. Uh, you just...

3369. Oh. What is this? All right.

3370. I'm gonna let you go to your wedding, but before you go... Please.

3371. Roger... Yeah?

3372. If you could play one song other than Eruption at your wedding, what would it be?

3373. (SIGHS) I don't know, Pachelbel's Canon?

3374. Sing a little of it.

3375. I really don't have the...

3376. Sing a little of it! Ahhh!

3377. And then...

3378. I'll go... You go high, I'll go low.

3379. I gotta go. I know.

3380. Ah... She's waiting.

3381. But we're getting to the good part.

3382. You're hurting me.

3383. Okay, that's enough.

3384. Happy wedding. No.

3385. Happy wedding.

3386. What? You're a predator.

3387. You're a predator. You just...

3388. Oh, now you have all the time in the world to talk to me.

3389. I'm sorry. I just...

3390. Now you have all the time in the world.

3391. Pat, you know, every time I see you, you're dressed like a circus clown.

3392. And...

3393. I will fucking cut your fucking throat out.

3394. You piece of fucking shit.

3395. Oh, Frankie, what are you doing?

3396. Lynn called. Soon as Frank Jr. left the hospital,

3397. he told her how much it fuckin' sucks. (SCOFFS)

3398. So now I gotta bring home this industrial stuff to use on myself.

3399. Well...

3400. Hey, Anthony. Yeah.

3401. Did you really think that dildo was made out of chocolate?

3402. What do you think?

3403. I don't know what I think.

3404. Previously on Beef...

3405. I got a list of stuff that Mikey wants for his party.

3406. Lou's brother-in-law has a peculiar shopping list.

3407. 20 pounds of prosciutto di Parma,

3408. smoked turkey, sausage.

3409. He's opening my shop!

3410. And now...

3411. Denise.

3412. Hey!

3413. Come on.

3414. All right, perfect. Hey, Denise.

3415. See, this, this is perfect 'cause he's got all his cold stuff over here.

3416. Look, he's got gherkins. Yeah.

3417. Yeah. Nick?

3418. Hey, Denise. Uh, I'm going into business with Mikey.

3419. Well, well, well,

3420. the rat really does always smell the cheese.

3421. Rose, what the fuck? You told me he wasn't gonna be here.

3422. This was the only way I could get my family to talk to each other.

3423. Mikey, this ends here, this ends now.

3424. 'Cause I got a beef with you.

3425. Lou, Lou, come on.

3426. Guys, come over here. Come on, Nick.

3427. Now serving case number 99. Come on, Aunt Rose.

3428. Uncle Lou says Uncle Mikey is out of line

3429. for using Uncle Lou's name and reputation

3430. to open up a butcher shop across the street.

3431. Uncle Mikey is saying that it's a free country,

3432. and that he's just expanding the family business.

3433. That's right.

3434. Okay, everybody stand up.

3435. Honorable, uh, Uncle Lou's already here.

3436. So everybody just sit down.

3437. All right, deli's in session.

3438. What's your beef?

3439. Oh, I'll tell you what my beef is.

3440. This mamananooch, my wife's brother,

3441. he comes in and he opens up the same kinda shop that I own,

3442. a butchery-deli shop right across the street.

3443. How's he gonna get all the supplies? Gee, I don't know.

3444. How about from your own family?

3445. Right out of my, uh, right out of my, uh, cassata!

3446. Trying to beat me down!

3447. No disrespect.

3448. You talk about family all the time,

3449. well, you know, aren't I family?

3450. Aren't I family, Lou? You don't... You don't wanna help me out.

3451. How am I supposed to pay you back the bail money

3452. if I don't make any money?

3453. You're taking from me just so you can make good on the money you owe me?

3454. That don't make no sense!

3455. Hey, listen. (STUTTERS)

3456. You think it's fair to, uh, adjudicate your own beef?

3457. He's right. I mean, you can't be judging this.

3458. I'll tell you what.

3459. I may be a lot of things, but I'm fair.

3460. We'll grab a customer. They'll be the judge.

3461. No, these, these customers are all loyal to you.

3462. What are you talking about? This is America. Everybody's a customer.

3463. Well, not if you're a bum with no money. Yeah.

3464. Whoa, hey, hey. What'd you just say?

3465. A bum with no money.

3466. I'll be right back.

3467. Rose, you always look out for me, and now you lead me into a buzz saw?

3468. Hey, you! It's time.

3469. I'm ready.

3470. Hey, everybody, here's your judge.

3471. Take the stand.

3472. What're you... What're you... What, this guy?

3473. Okay, I know this guy.

3474. You talking about the guy from out back?

3475. Your Honor. Thank you.

3476. Don't touch the case. Mmm-hmm.

3477. Okay, uh, everybody stand up. Uh, the Honorable, um...

3478. Lynn Vanderloo.

3479. The Honorable, uh, Lynn Vanderloo, uh, presiding.

3480. So everybody go ahead and sit down.

3481. All right, we begin.

3482. Lou? Yeah, how are you, Your Honor?

3483. "Your Magistrate," please.

3484. "Your Magistrate."

3485. I'm to be referred to as "Your Magistrate."

3486. Your Magistrate.

3487. What's wrong?

3488. All right, my brother-in-law here is trying to set up shop,

3489. by all definition, my shop, right over there.

3490. Free to do it. Let the record show he pointed outside.

3491. Continue please. So...

3492. We've heard your side. Let's hear yours.

3493. Coming up, more Beef.

3494. I would also add for the record that

3495. Denise and I have a fatal attractiveness.

3496. Important. Important, important.

3497. It's important, it's important.

3498. It's important to clear the air. Stay there.

3499. Lou is accusing his brother-in-law Mikey of stealing his business.

3500. This ends here, this ends now.

3501. And Lynn Vanderloo has been called in to rule on the case.

3502. I'm to be referred to as "Your Magistrate."

3503. He's, like, acting like I wanna, like, take his, his business away.

3504. I wanna, like, expand the good work he's doing here, you know.

3505. It could be Mike's Meats. Don't need no help.

3506. Don't need no expansion. Thank you very much.

3507. Yes. Well, look, you got your meats, I can have my meats.

3508. We could have kosher meats,

3509. we could have Halal meat, we could have Turkish meats,

3510. we could have Greekish meats.

3511. Who let the dog in?

3512. Oh... Who let the dog in?

3513. Who? Who? Who? That was funny, what you said.

3514. Hey, hey, it's Roy. This is Roy, this is my dog.

3515. All right, I'll allow the dog.

3516. Look, Your Magistrate, I've... I've done a lot of groundwork on this already,

3517. brought my business partner into this,

3518. he's been to business school.

3519. Uh, you know, we, we, we opened an LLC.

3520. Let the court reflect that "LLC" stands for

3521. "Limited Liability Corporation." Continue.

3522. So then... So we got one of those. And the thing is,

3523. I don't wanna do it exactly the same way as he's doing it. I mean...

3524. Of course he does. And that's why the whole day started with...

3525. There's yellow piece of paper right there.

3526. No, that's the mustard. The yellow piece of paper.

3527. That is yellow. That is yellow. Right there.

3528. The yellow... May I approach the bench?

3529. Also yellow. You may.

3530. Here you go. Check this out.

3531. I hold in my hand exhibit A.

3532. It was brought to me from him.

3533. Look at the amount there. His purveyors...

3534. So he was looking to get all of my meats, all of my cheeses,

3535. and bring it over there.

3536. Let the court reflect that the defendant has girlish handwriting.

3537. Agreed. Agreed. He does. Always had it.

3538. I just have, uh, I have very delicate bones.

3539. You know, I can't press very hard.

3540. Now, Nick, you're the business partner in all of this. Yeah.

3541. What are your responsibilities, please?

3542. Uh, uh... Math.

3543. I'm sorry. Is anybody sketching this?

3544. Well, somebody should be sketching this.

3545. I could try. I took an art class at the community college.

3546. Somebody should be sketching this.

3547. So math, and you filled out paperwork...

3548. Yeah, we, yeah, we filled out the paperwork,

3549. and basically we think there's a lot of room for improvement

3550. in the neighborhood. We need more food here.

3551. We feel the neighborhood can take two delis.

3552. That looks just like us.

3553. Yeah.

3554. So I got a... That's my brother, huh?

3555. That's, uh... It's homeless guy,

3556. and there's, uh, meats right there,

3557. and there's, uh, Uncle Lou... Mmm-hmm.

3558. and Aunt Rose, and Roy and the two douchebags.

3559. Ah, fucking douchebags, huh?

3560. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. All right, Anthony,

3561. the court thanks you for your service.

3562. As the facts stand now,

3563. this is a classic Talmudic problem.

3564. What is legal versus what is fair.

3565. The Kabbalah teaches us

3566. that we cannot always resolve questions of the law with the law.

3567. Sometimes we must use a higher law.

3568. And so, I would like to speak to God for a moment.

3569. He wasn't in. Oh.

3570. I need a minute to think about it.

3571. Yeah, uh, everybody stand up.

3572. Okay, everybody go ahead and sit down.

3573. Guy's kind of a weirdo, huh?

3574. How much do you think art school costs?

3575. Okay, uh, all rise. Uh, I guess that he's done thinking about it.

3576. So, uh, everybody go ahead and sit down.

3577. Lynn Vanderloo.

3578. Honorable Lynn Vanderloo's thought about it.

3579. Everybody sit down. Lynn Vanderloo...

3580. with the verdict.

3581. Now, Mister...

3582. Duvornakis. Duvornakis.

3583. I feel as though perhaps you wanna start this business

3584. under less than honest circumstances.

3585. I don't know how I could be any more honest.

3586. It seems to me, Mister...

3587. Duvornakis. Duvornakis.

3588. You're using your brother-in-law's good name and reputation

3589. to start your own business in his backyard.

3590. The court does not look favorably

3591. upon ex-convicts or Social Studies teachers.

3592. Oh, well, that's not... Therefore...

3593. the court...

3594. Just a minute! Just a minute! Just a minute!

3595. Hold on! Hold on! Hold on!

3596. Coming up, more Beef.

3597. This is our fatal attractiveness.

3598. (GRUNTING) Ooh! Chach.

3599. This is our fatal attractiveness.

3600. Oh, Chach. All right.

3601. Well, as long as there's rules.

3602. Lynn Vanderloo is called in to judge

3603. when Lou accuses his brother-in-law Mikey of stealing his business.

3604. You're using your brother-in-law's reputation to start your own business.

3605. Therefore, the court...

3606. Just a minute! Just a minute! Just a minute!

3607. Hold on! Hold on! Hold on!

3608. I'd like to submit to the deli exhibit A,

3609. Stan, Uncle Mikey's parole officer.

3610. Let the court reflect exhibit A was this sheet of paper,

3611. exhibit B... Yes.

3612. was this sketch.

3613. I stand corrected. I'd like to present exhibit C,

3614. Stan, Uncle Mikey's parole officer.

3615. Stan informed me that Uncle Mikey

3616. did not appear for his parole appointment,

3617. and therefore back in the clink. No.

3618. Well, (STUTTERS) it's true, uh, that he didn't

3619. show up for his, uh, appointment

3620. with me, but he had an excuse,

3621. and I excused him because of the excuse.

3622. What was the excuse, please?

3623. He, uh, was going to a charitable event.

3624. It was a, it was a dance for, uh, one-legged children.

3625. Is this right? It's a free country.

3626. I'm sorry I didn't say that earlier.

3627. I didn't know where we were going.

3628. He's an excellent parolee and a, and a model citizen.

3629. Model citizen.

3630. In your experience as a parole officer,

3631. on a scale of one to six,

3632. with one being the worst parolee

3633. and six being the best parolee...

3634. Make it seven.

3635. With one being the best parolee

3636. and seven being the worst parolee,

3637. how would you rate Mister...

3638. Duvornakis. Duvornakis.

3639. Very used to this question.

3640. 6.7, Your Honor.

3641. Did we say the higher number was the better or the low...

3642. Yes, you said the better. Or the worst? Is that right?

3643. I think you switched it the second time.

3644. Yeah. The second time...

3645. First time, lower one was worse...

3646. I'm sorry. It's all right.

3647. higher one was better. And then I think you switched it.

3648. So 6.7 I think is very bad.

3649. All right, are you trying to say he's bad or good?

3650. Good. He's very good. He's an excellent parolee.

3651. In your opinion, what are the odds of recidivism?

3652. Is there a scale that you wanna present to me?

3653. Let's just say one to seven. No. You know what, that's stupid.

3654. Let's say one to six.

3655. 1.3.

3656. 1.3 out of six. Thank you.

3657. The court recognizes your expert opinion.

3658. The witness is dismissed. Thank you.

3659. You don't have to bow.

3660. In light of this expert witness and his compelling testimony

3661. regarding the personality and likelihood of recidivism of one Michael...

3662. Duvornakis. Duvornakis,

3663. and in light of the fact that nobody's ever offered me a sandwich

3664. in the four years I've been living out back, I find in favor of Mikey.

3665. Please do the thing.

3666. Oh, uh, everybody stand up.

3667. Lynn Vanderpoof. Honorable Lynn Vanderpoof.

3668. Everybody sit down.

3669. I'm in shock. (CHUCKLES) I got adjudicated.

3670. We got adjudicated.

3671. I don't think that's the right use of that word, but...

3672. Thank you, Manny.

3673. Are we done? We're done. Well done.

3674. Lynn Vanderloo outside Lou's Meat market.

3675. Let's welcome Mikey and his business partner Nick.

3676. Congratulations, guys.

3677. Thank you. Thank you. Today...

3678. your market demonstrated the free market is still alive and well.

3679. Yep. And that it's a free country.

3680. Uh, we... Yep. That's the... We did.

3681. The magistrate today seemed a little conflicted

3682. about who to rule in favor of.

3683. You were the magistrate, which is... So you...

3684. You did a very nice job. You did a great job.

3685. You did a very good job.

3686. Michael, what is the value of family?

3687. Uh, (STUTTERS) family's everything.

3688. I mean, this country was based on family.

3689. I wouldn't be anywhere without my family...

3690. Well, you could fuck a cousin, though.

3691. Huh?

3692. Now let's say hi to the plaintiff in today's case.

3693. It's Lou.

3694. A tough day in the deli today.

3695. Travesty is, uh, what we call it in my business.

3696. I'm thinking of opening a deli. Any advice?

3697. Don't do it near me.

3698. Sound advice.

3699. Lou's wife Rose joining us now...

3700. Hi, sweetie. How you doing? Hi, baby.

3701. with their adorable dog Roy.

3702. This is Roy.

3703. Roy, what is the value of family?

3704. You little dog. I love you. Mmm. You should give him a kiss.

3705. Give him a kiss. Did you ever kiss a dog?

3706. Mmm-hmm. Kiss a dog.

3707. Okay, you, you're not gonna kiss... All right.