1. Synedyne Technical Support.
This is Suzanne. How can I help you?Copy !req
2. Synedyne Technical Support.
This is Rachel. How can I help you?Copy !req
3. This is Elliot.
How can I help you?Copy !req
4. Oh, wow.Copy !req
5. Yeah, okay.
Give me a second to find you here.Copy !req
6. My computer's running
a little slow today.Copy !req
7. Wake up, fella.
There you are.Copy !req
8. Hey, you got yourself
a model 5732.Copy !req
9. 128 megs of RAM,
27 gig hard drive.Copy !req
10. Good. Good. And you say that
it hangs every time you print?Copy !req
11. Wow!
All right, no problem.Copy !req
12. Can you hold for two seconds?Copy !req
13. Carol! Carol.Copy !req
14. I don't know what
you've been told, little lady,Copy !req
15. but the rest of us start at nine.Copy !req
16. Kidding, I'm just kidding.
Good morning.Copy !req
17. Hey, Dan, my man!
What's up, my bro?Copy !req
18. Yeah, put it there!
All right. Yeah.Copy !req
19. So hoops today? You and the guys
up for some hoopage after work?Copy !req
20. Uh, you know,
we don't know yet, Elliot.Copy !req
21. - I'm not sure yet, okay?
- That's cool. Just let me know.Copy !req
22. 'Cause I'm there, bud. That's right,
'cause I love the round ball.Copy !req
23. That's why they call me "Air Elliot."Copy !req
24. - Yeah!
- Okay.Copy !req
25. Make sure that you
let me know the right timeCopy !req
26. because last week you said 6:30Copy !req
27. and when I got there,
you guys were just leaving.Copy !req
28. I mean, how stupid did you feel?Copy !req
29. Pretty stupid, Elliot.Copy !req
30. Not a problem, Danny.
Give it up.Copy !req
31. - Hey, Daniel.
- Hey, man, how you doing?Copy !req
32. Good, good.
How you doing, man?Copy !req
33. Hey, Bob!Copy !req
34. - What's up?
- Hey, Elliot.Copy !req
35. You and your posse
gonna hit the brewery tonight?Copy !req
36. My "posse"?
No.Copy !req
37. Uh, they're all busy with the big...Copy !req
38. - What's with your neck?
- Oh, nothing.Copy !req
39. It's a repetitive stress disorder.
It's a headset injury.Copy !req
40. So what do you say you and me
go and knock back some sudsCopy !req
41. and check out the babes?Copy !req
42. Elliot, I'm married, remember?Copy !req
43. I'm gonna go home,
spend some time with my wife.Copy !req
44. Oh.Copy !req
45. Taking a trip to Whipville.Copy !req
46. It just gets funnier
every time you do that.Copy !req
47. Don't, don't, don't...Copy !req
48. Hey, Jerry!Copy !req
49. Jerry, Jerry, bo-berry,
fee-fi-fo-ferry, Jerry!Copy !req
50. Hey, what's happening, brother?Copy !req
51. - Running to an important meeting.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
52. - Yeah.
- Hey, wait.Copy !req
53. No, I think you're gonna
appreciate this,Copy !req
54. because we're both a couple
of stereo component nuts.Copy !req
55. Check these out, holmes.
These are the new Ingebritzens.Copy !req
56. - Right.
- XVC speakers.Copy !req
57. Here, look it.
That's the back of the left speakerCopy !req
58. and the front of the right speaker.Copy !req
59. Sweet, sweet, sweet.Copy !req
60. That's the front of the left...
no, that's the right...Copy !req
61. I think... oh, man!Copy !req
62. - What?
- It's Elliot.Copy !req
63. Who told him we were here?Copy !req
64. - Oh, shit.
- Did you tell him we were here?Copy !req
65. Hi!Copy !req
66. You guys!Copy !req
67. I told you not to...Copy !req
68. Well, well, well,
isn't this a big surprise?Copy !req
69. I thought everybody was busy.Copy !req
70. A slight change of plans, Elliot.Copy !req
71. Oh, is that right?Copy !req
72. Well, I'm a little bit peeved
at you guys.Copy !req
73. I'm thinking you tried to ditch me.
I might not even sit down with you.Copy !req
74. We can certainly understand that,
so we'll see you tomorrow.Copy !req
75. - Later, Elliot.
- I'm kidding!Copy !req
76. - Switch places with me.
- No, I'm fine.Copy !req
77. - What?
- Oh, my goodness gracious.Copy !req
78. You've gotta be kidding!Copy !req
79. Please, please, don't tell meCopy !req
80. that you have a thing for Alison
Gardner.Copy !req
81. - Oh, man!
- Please.Copy !req
82. She's way out of your league.Copy !req
83. Isn't she dating that guy in research?Copy !req
84. Brian, with the teeth.Copy !req
85. Brian?
The guy with the teeth.Copy !req
86. No, that's been over
for three months now.Copy !req
87. - Oh, yeah? How do you know that?
- I know a lot of things about her.Copy !req
88. I know that she likes her bagels
buttered, but not toasted.Copy !req
89. - Wow.
- How specific.Copy !req
90. I know that she looks beautiful
in any color,Copy !req
91. but when she wears blue...Copy !req
92. Sounds like you guys
are old friends?Copy !req
93. Well, we have been
working togetherCopy !req
94. at the same company
for four years.Copy !req
95. You spend time together,
people get to know each other.Copy !req
96. It's true,
so it should be no problemCopy !req
97. for you to just get up,
walk over there, and say hello.Copy !req
98. She's with somebody.
I'll catch up with her tomorrow.Copy !req
99. - Come on!
- Hold on, Elliot.Copy !req
100. Come clean here.Copy !req
101. You have never spoken
to Alison Gardner, right?Copy !req
102. Of course I have.Copy !req
103. - Did I say "queer" earlier?
- You are pathetic, Elliot! Really.Copy !req
104. Okay, I guess you guys are just
not gonna let me relax tonightCopy !req
105. until I go over there and say hello.Copy !req
106. - I guess not.
- Yeah.Copy !req
107. Well, if that'll make you happy.
You think I'm pathetic.Copy !req
108. - Don't touch me.
- Go for it, tiger.Copy !req
109. Good luck.Copy !req
110. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
111. Do I know you?Copy !req
112. Oh, I should hope so.Copy !req
113. We've only been working together
at Synedyne for the last four years.Copy !req
114. I'm Elliot Richards.Copy !req
115. We've spoken.Copy !req
116. I'm sorry, I don't...Copy !req
117. It was the first week of June,
three years ago.Copy !req
118. I said it was wet out.Copy !req
119. We were standing in the lobby,
and I said it was really wet out.Copy !req
120. It was raining at the time.Copy !req
121. I assume that.Copy !req
122. Yeah.Copy !req
123. So here we are, talking again.Copy !req
124. Yeah.Copy !req
125. Well, take it easy.Copy !req
126. I'm here with friends
and I was wondering if you wanted...Copy !req
127. Dear God, I would give anything
to have that girl in my life.Copy !req
128. - Hi.
- Hello.Copy !req
129. I was wondering...Copy !req
130. if this is...Copy !req
131. I was standing over there and...Copy !req
132. You're very glib.
I bet you're a whiz with the ladies.Copy !req
133. - Well...
- You here alone?Copy !req
134. No!Copy !req
135. I'm here with
some buddies from work.Copy !req
136. I saw you talking to a woman.Copy !req
137. Yeah, but I'm not with her.Copy !req
138. But you'd like to be, huh?Copy !req
139. What makes you say that?Copy !req
140. I don't know.Copy !req
141. When a man says
he'd give anythingCopy !req
142. to have a certain woman in his life,Copy !req
143. I just assume
she means something to him.Copy !req
144. How did you hear me say that?Copy !req
145. - I was standing way over...
- I have fantastic hearing.Copy !req
146. And a number of other
equally impressive talents.Copy !req
147. Ho-doggie!Copy !req
148. Let's go someplace quiet
so we can talk.Copy !req
149. Okay... what?
You want to talk to me?Copy !req
150. Is there a problem?Copy !req
151. Are you not attracted to me?Copy !req
152. No.Copy !req
153. I think you're hot.Copy !req
154. Baby, you have no idea.Copy !req
155. - Kiss me.
- What? Here?Copy !req
156. Don't be afraid
to explore new horizons.Copy !req
157. Oh.Copy !req
158. Can you give us
two seconds, girls?Copy !req
159. Yeah, can you give us two seconds?Copy !req
160. Sure.Copy !req
161. Whatever.Copy !req
162. Listen...Copy !req
163. you seem really nice,Copy !req
164. in a strong,Copy !req
165. scary kind of a way,Copy !req
166. but my friends
are probably waiting for me,Copy !req
167. so I'm gonna just get going.Copy !req
168. You're so nervous, Elliot.Copy !req
169. How do you know my name?Copy !req
170. I'm psychic.Copy !req
171. Plus, it's on your name tag.Copy !req
172. Duh.Copy !req
173. Now then, I just want
to talk business for a second.Copy !req
174. Oh, I'm not into that.Copy !req
175. I mean, I've never paid
for sex before.Copy !req
176. Except this one time...
there was an Internet thing.Copy !req
177. I mean, you can't help it. Every time
you sign on, it's "sex, sex, sex."Copy !req
178. I'm not a hooker, you silly boy.
I just want to ask you a question.Copy !req
179. How would you like to make
one simple decisionCopy !req
180. that'll change your life forever?Copy !req
181. Okay, I'm glad Scientology
works for you, but...Copy !req
182. Just listen.Copy !req
183. What if I told you that
I have the cataclysmic powerCopy !req
184. to give you anything and everything
you've always dreamed of?Copy !req
185. Who are you?Copy !req
186. Promise not to tell anyone?Copy !req
187. Okay.Copy !req
188. Cross your heart and hope to die?Copy !req
189. Yeah.Copy !req
190. I'm the devil.Copy !req
191. Okay.Copy !req
192. I think somebody's had
"tee many martoonis"!Copy !req
193. I am the devil.
Satan, Lucifer, Beelzebub.Copy !req
194. The Prince of Darkness.Copy !req
195. Well, the Princess of Darkness,
anyway.Copy !req
196. Here's my card.Copy !req
197. Oh.Copy !req
198. "The devil." Yep.Copy !req
199. That explains it.Copy !req
200. Now I believe you.Copy !req
201. Night-night.Copy !req
202. You're a very skeptical person,
you know that?Copy !req
203. How did...Copy !req
204. How did you just...
and you...Copy !req
205. Look. If you could just buy into
this "I'm the devil" thing,Copy !req
206. it'll save us both
a lot of these questions.Copy !req
207. Maybe I should call you a cab.Copy !req
208. Although it's gonna be hard to find one
that'll go to hell this time of night.Copy !req
209. Oh! What a delightfully piquant wit.Copy !req
210. I can see we're gonna
get along famously.Copy !req
211. Cheers, darling.Copy !req
212. Are you... you can't...
look at... jeez!Copy !req
213. You can't do that.
That's very dangerous!Copy !req
214. Why is this so hard
for you to believe?Copy !req
215. Do you think your mommy and daddy
just made me up so you'd be good?Copy !req
216. Okay, okay. You're the devil.
What do you want with me?Copy !req
217. I want you to be happy, Elliot.
You have such potential.Copy !req
218. All you need is a little push
in the right direction.Copy !req
219. I am happy!Copy !req
220. Oh, please!
You don't have to lie to me.Copy !req
221. I know every dark thought
in your tiny little mind.Copy !req
222. I know that every night you go home
to your horrible little apartmentCopy !req
223. and you eat your little frozen dinner,
and you make your little bowl of popcornCopy !req
224. and watch TV until you can't keep
your eyes open anymore.Copy !req
225. And then you crawl off to bedCopy !req
226. and wonder why you're alone
and nobody likes you.Copy !req
227. Not every night.Copy !req
228. And you cry.Copy !req
229. Yeah, sure.Copy !req
230. I know what's in your heart, Elliot.Copy !req
231. You could cry right now.Copy !req
232. I'm talking about reinvention,
taking control of your destiny.Copy !req
233. You want to be liked?Copy !req
234. You want to be loved?Copy !req
235. How about respected?Copy !req
236. How about feared?Copy !req
237. What exactly are we talking about?Copy !req
238. You want to see how it works, baby?Copy !req
239. Wish for something.Copy !req
240. - Like what?
- Whatever you want, it's yours.Copy !req
241. Just say the word.Copy !req
242. Okay,Copy !req
243. I wish I had a Big Mac
and a large Coke.Copy !req
244. It is done.Copy !req
245. Hi, how you doing?
What can I get you?Copy !req
246. A Big Mac and a large Coke.Copy !req
247. Fries?Copy !req
248. No.Copy !req
249. Comes to $3.47.Copy !req
250. Do you have $3.47?Copy !req
251. I left my purse in the underworld.Copy !req
252. Oh, yes!
This truly is the work of the devil!Copy !req
253. And to think that I doubted you!
I'm gonna go now.Copy !req
254. What's the problem?Copy !req
255. This doesn't prove anything!Copy !req
256. I could have done this myself.
I even had to pay for it.Copy !req
257. No such thing as a free lunch.
Didn't anyone ever tell you that?Copy !req
258. I didn't even get any fries.Copy !req
259. Oh, I don't believe this.Copy !req
260. I'm offering you
the opportunity of a lifetimeCopy !req
261. and all you can do is moan
about French fries?Copy !req
262. - Good night.
- Oh, fine! Okay.Copy !req
263. I'm obviously not getting through
to you, so let's just forget it.Copy !req
264. Come on, I'll give you
a lift back to your car.Copy !req
265. That's your car?Copy !req
266. - It's him!
- It's Elliot!Copy !req
267. Elliot, right here.Copy !req
268. I love you, Elliot!Copy !req
269. Where are we?Copy !req
270. Just a little after-hours club I own.Copy !req
271. We'd better get in there.
Everyone's waiting for you.Copy !req
272. Everyone who?Copy !req
273. All your friends.Copy !req
274. How you doing, Mr. Richards?Copy !req
275. Elliot, one picture!Copy !req
276. - Hey! Hey, Elliot!
- No way! This is your club?Copy !req
277. It sure is.Copy !req
278. Wow.Copy !req
279. Yeah, baby!Copy !req
280. - Hello, Elliot.
- Hello.Copy !req
281. - Elliot, dance with me.
- No, dance with me.Copy !req
282. No, he's gonna dance with me first.Copy !req
283. Okay, girls, that's enough.
Break it up. He belongs to me.Copy !req
284. How the hell are you?
Somebody take a picture of us.Copy !req
285. - Hold it!
- Excellent.Copy !req
286. Hi, Elliot.Copy !req
287. I think she likes you, too.Copy !req
288. - Are you hungry?
- Uh-huh. Sort of.Copy !req
289. - Look.
- Wow!Copy !req
290. These look just like the cookies
my grandma used to make.Copy !req
291. - Try one.
- Okay.Copy !req
292. These are the cookies
that my grandma used to make!Copy !req
293. I aim to please, handsome.
Come on.Copy !req
294. How did you...Copy !req
295. - You liked that, didn't you?
- What, the cookie?Copy !req
296. Having all those people
excited to see you.Copy !req
297. It's nice to feel accepted, isn't it?Copy !req
298. I can give you that.Copy !req
299. I can make the whole world
love you.Copy !req
300. - Come on!
- You still don't believe me, do you?Copy !req
301. Of course not!Copy !req
302. First of all,
you look nothing like the devil.Copy !req
303. Oh, really? I suppose I could
have gone this way.Copy !req
304. But it's so trick-or-treat.Copy !req
305. It's true!Copy !req
306. You really are the devil!Copy !req
307. Oh, come on, baby.Copy !req
308. Come and sit down.Copy !req
309. I know this has all been
horribly overwhelming for you.Copy !req
310. - Can I ask you a question?
- Sure, you can.Copy !req
311. You can ask me anything you'd like.Copy !req
312. As long as you don't ask me
if there's a God.Copy !req
313. I get that one all the time.
It drives me absolutely bonkers.Copy !req
314. Yes, there's a God.Copy !req
315. Really?
Well, what's He like?Copy !req
316. You'd think meeting the devil
would be interesting enough,Copy !req
317. but all they want
to know about is Him!Copy !req
318. Like He's so bloody fascinating.Copy !req
319. - So He's a man?
- Yeah.Copy !req
320. Most men think they're God.
This one just happens to be right.Copy !req
321. Now listen, darling.
I don't want to pressure you,Copy !req
322. but why don't we take
a teensy little look at the contract?Copy !req
323. What the...
it's pretty...Copy !req
324. "I, Elliot Richards,
hereafter known as 'the Damned'...Copy !req
325. - "the Damned"?
- How about "the Darned"? Better?Copy !req
326. Don't get hung up
on the language, darling.Copy !req
327. There's nothing sinister here.
It's all standard boilerplate.Copy !req
328. Paragraph one
states that "I, the devil,Copy !req
329. a nonprofit corporation with offices
in purgatory, hell, and L.A.,Copy !req
330. will give you seven wishes
to use as you see fit."Copy !req
331. Seven?
Why not eight?Copy !req
332. Why not six? I don't know.
Seven just sounds right.Copy !req
333. Paragraph two outlines the manner
in which you'll pay for the wishes.Copy !req
334. What? Are you kidding?
I have to give you my soul?Copy !req
335. After you've had your wishes,
of course.Copy !req
336. But it's my soul!Copy !req
337. I can't give you my soul!Copy !req
338. What are you?
James Brown?Copy !req
339. What's the big deal?
Have you ever seen your soul?Copy !req
340. - Do you even know what it is?
- Of course, it's the thing that...Copy !req
341. No, that's...
it floats around...Copy !req
342. Can I tell you something?Copy !req
343. Souls are overrated.
They don't really do anything.Copy !req
344. Has yours done anything
for you so far?Copy !req
345. No, it's like your appendix.Copy !req
346. You'll never even miss it.Copy !req
347. Well, if it's so useless,
then why do you want it so much?Copy !req
348. Ooh, aren't you the clever one?Copy !req
349. Look, who's really making out
in this deal here?Copy !req
350. Seven utterly fabulous wishesCopy !req
351. for one piddling little soul?Copy !req
352. Well, I don't know.Copy !req
353. What have we here?Copy !req
354. Wait. Who is...Copy !req
355. Alison?Copy !req
356. How did you...Copy !req
357. She is so beautiful.Copy !req
358. - I've waited for you for so long.
- Who's that?Copy !req
359. - I've waited for you for so long.
- Who's she with?Copy !req
360. - I want you now, my love.
- Why are you showing me this?Copy !req
361. Oh, I love your hair like that.Copy !req
362. You must go through
conditioner like crazy.Copy !req
363. Is this real?Copy !req
364. It could be.
All you have to do is sign.Copy !req
365. And you promise I'll get her?Copy !req
366. That's really up to you.
You're the one with the wishes.Copy !req
367. But I promise I'll do
everything in my power.Copy !req
368. Sign it, Elliot.Copy !req
369. Please, Elliot. I'm waiting, Elliot.Copy !req
370. Great!Copy !req
371. Now before you start wishing,
you'll be needing this.Copy !req
372. If for any reason your wish
isn't going the way you hoped,Copy !req
373. just take out the pager, hit 666,Copy !req
374. and it'll bring you
right back to me.Copy !req
375. Why wouldn't it go the way
that I'd hoped?Copy !req
376. I was just throwing that out
as a for instance.Copy !req
377. Every wish is gonna be
100 percent fabulous.Copy !req
378. But you'll find that out
as soon as you make one.Copy !req
379. - So I should make one now?
- Well, if you don't mind.Copy !req
380. I've got places to go,Copy !req
381. people to condemn to
an eternity of fiery torment.Copy !req
382. Okay, let me think.Copy !req
383. - I... I want to be married to Alison.
- You got it.Copy !req
384. That's not all.
I want to be rich.Copy !req
385. Always a popular choice.Copy !req
386. That's not all.Copy !req
387. I want to be very rich
and very powerful.Copy !req
388. Ooh, even better.
Remember, you have to say, "I wish."Copy !req
389. Right.Copy !req
390. I wish that I were
married to AlisonCopy !req
391. and that I were very, very rich
and very powerful.Copy !req
392. - How's that sound?
- Sounds good to me.Copy !req
393. Enjoy.Copy !req
394. Roberto.Copy !req
395. "I am is to visiting
in the Los AngelesCopy !req
396. for the time of vacations."Copy !req
397. "Idioto"!Copy !req
398. Alejandro?Copy !req
399. Roberto? Esteban?Copy !req
400. Mama!Copy !req
401. Seis, seis, seis!Copy !req
402. Back so soon?Copy !req
403. You turned me into a drug dealer!Copy !req
404. They almost killed me!Copy !req
405. You asked for rich and powerful.Copy !req
406. - Not like that.
- Goes with the territory, babe.Copy !req
407. "Root of all evil."
Ring any bells?Copy !req
408. But what about Alison?
What got into her?Copy !req
409. I think it was Raoul.Copy !req
410. Yeah!
That's not what I wished for.Copy !req
411. Well, hold on now, mister.Copy !req
412. You wished that
the two of you were married.Copy !req
413. You didn't say anything
about her loving you.Copy !req
414. You know, when two people
get married, I assume that...Copy !req
415. There's your mistake.Copy !req
416. - May I suggest something?
- What?Copy !req
417. The rich and powerful thing
wasn't really the way to go.Copy !req
418. Everyone wishes for that first thing
out of the gate and it never pans out.Copy !req
419. - Really?
- The fact of the matter isCopy !req
420. women aren't really attracted
to wealth and power.Copy !req
421. - They're not?
- No, of course not.Copy !req
422. They couldn't give
a fig for all that rubbish.Copy !req
423. What you need to figure out
is what she does want in a man.Copy !req
424. How do I find that out?Copy !req
425. Easy.Copy !req
426. I'm not with her!Copy !req
427. Where are we?Copy !req
428. A place you never
would have seen without my help.Copy !req
429. Welcome... Alison's bedroom.Copy !req
430. We can't be in here.
This is breaking and entering.Copy !req
431. I know.
It's fun, isn't it?Copy !req
432. I'm sure we're gonna find the answer
somewhere around here.Copy !req
433. What if Alison catches us?Copy !req
434. Don't worry.
She won't be able to see you.Copy !req
435. Besides,Copy !req
436. she's in the shower.Copy !req
437. Naked.Copy !req
438. Right behind that door.Copy !req
439. Go on, go ahead.
Take a peep.Copy !req
440. No!Copy !req
441. Oh, come on.
We both know you want to.Copy !req
442. You must think that
I'm really perverted, don't you?Copy !req
443. That's what you think.Copy !req
444. You think I'm some sad,
desperate, twisted, pathetic loser.Copy !req
445. Yes.Copy !req
446. Well, in that case,
maybe I'll just take a quick look.Copy !req
447. Focus, Elliot.Copy !req
448. Remember, we're here to find out
what kind of man she wants.Copy !req
449. How are we gonna do that?Copy !req
450. Well, she keeps a journal.Copy !req
451. And here it is!Copy !req
452. Right, I should be able to find some
information in here that's useful.Copy !req
453. Hey, that's private stuff.Copy !req
454. Is it ever!
Listen to this.Copy !req
455. "Last night was the most
incredible night of my life.Copy !req
456. I never did find out any of the guys'
names, but I brought them hereCopy !req
457. and all five banged me
like a Salvation Army drum."Copy !req
458. What?Copy !req
459. - Give me that!
- Just kidding.Copy !req
460. I could have been a writer.Copy !req
461. Hey, it's okay. She could bump
into you and she wouldn't feel it.Copy !req
462. Now this is good.Copy !req
463. "I meet many
attractive men who are interested in meCopy !req
464. and, while many of them
are handsomeCopy !req
465. or clever or very successful,Copy !req
466. I find myself turning away
from themCopy !req
467. and searching the horizon
for someone else.Copy !req
468. I don't know who he is
or where I'll find him.Copy !req
469. I only know
that he is a sensitive man.Copy !req
470. He's a man who's in touch
with his emotions.Copy !req
471. He's a man who's not afraid
to share his fears,Copy !req
472. his disappointments, and his tears.Copy !req
473. 'Where are you,
my sensitive man?"'Copy !req
474. Did you see that?Copy !req
475. She passed right through me.Copy !req
476. We were one person
for a split second.Copy !req
477. Just like in "Ghost"!Copy !req
478. Darling, I've got an earthquake
in eight minutes.Copy !req
479. Any chance of making a wish here?Copy !req
480. Yes.Copy !req
481. I wish I were the most sensitive
man in the world.Copy !req
482. Right. Okay.Copy !req
483. Wait!Copy !req
484. I wish I were the most emotionally
sensitive man in the world.Copy !req
485. Damn, I was hoping
you wouldn't catch that.Copy !req
486. I could have had a lot of fun.Copy !req
487. And I want her to love me.Copy !req
488. Oh... you know what?Copy !req
489. I have a great feeling about this.Copy !req
490. - You do?
- Yeah, but...Copy !req
491. what do I know?Copy !req
492. - Hey.
- I'm back, my love.Copy !req
493. Where did you run off to?Copy !req
494. I went to make a garland
of beach plumsCopy !req
495. to place atop your glorious head
like a crown.Copy !req
496. But then I caught sight
of that sunset and...Copy !req
497. I don't know.Copy !req
498. Something stirred inside me
and I had to stopCopy !req
499. and weep.Copy !req
500. It's beautiful.Copy !req
501. Yeah, it is.Copy !req
502. There I go again.Copy !req
503. - Tissue?
- No.Copy !req
504. I never wipe my tears away.
I'm not ashamed of them.Copy !req
505. I wear them proudly.Copy !req
506. Like small, wet, salty
badges of emotional truth.Copy !req
507. Elliot, there's something that
I think we should talk about.Copy !req
508. We've been together for, what,
about three weeks now?Copy !req
509. Three magical weeks.Copy !req
510. Three magical weeks.Copy !req
511. I don't think that I've ever metCopy !req
512. a man who's been more in touchCopy !req
513. - with his feelings.
- I love you.Copy !req
514. So very much.Copy !req
515. I love you, too.Copy !req
516. Dudley! Peter!Copy !req
517. I'm sorry, they're such little devils.Copy !req
518. Come on, you naughty boys.
See you.Copy !req
519. I'm sorry.
Are you okay?Copy !req
520. Do you need comforting
on any level?Copy !req
521. No, no, I'm fine.Copy !req
522. Have I done or said anythingCopy !req
523. to make you feel
less good about you?Copy !req
524. No, no, I'm fine.Copy !req
525. Would you like something to eat?Copy !req
526. I made a Salade NicoiseCopy !req
527. with dolphin-safe tuna.Copy !req
528. Oh, wow.Copy !req
529. What is it?Copy !req
530. It's that sunset again.Copy !req
531. And I worry about the dolphins.Copy !req
532. I wrote a song about them.
Would you like to hear it?Copy !req
533. Now? I...Copy !req
534. - I have to stop.
- Good. I mean, oh, why?Copy !req
535. Because I'm looking at youCopy !req
536. and I'm seeing
all the beauty of the worldCopy !req
537. shining at me through your eyes.Copy !req
538. Would you mind if I sketched you?Copy !req
539. I didn't know you could draw.Copy !req
540. I'm not an artist per se.Copy !req
541. Okay, Elliot, there's something
that I think I really have to say.Copy !req
542. Elliot, that's amazing!Copy !req
543. Compared to you,
it's nothing.Copy !req
544. Compared to your smileCopy !req
545. and the blush of your cheekCopy !req
546. and the sound of your voice
as it floats on the evening breeze.Copy !req
547. Compared to you,
that sunset's just...Copy !req
548. when is that darn thing gonna set?Copy !req
549. - Maybe we should go.
- No, wait!Copy !req
550. There's so much
that I want to say to you,Copy !req
551. but I just can't find the words.Copy !req
552. I have an idea.Copy !req
553. I would like to improvise
a sonnet about your hair.Copy !req
554. How wonderful
my fair one's face...Copy !req
555. Excuse me, fellas.Copy !req
556. Might I ask you to take the horseplayCopy !req
557. down to another part of the beach?Copy !req
558. Eh... no.Copy !req
559. You know,
rather than get confrontational,Copy !req
560. why don't we all
just sit down together,Copy !req
561. have some salad
with dolphin-safe tunaCopy !req
562. and see if we can't start a dialogue.Copy !req
563. You know, I had a feeling
that you were gonna...Copy !req
564. Okay, guys.Copy !req
565. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask youCopy !req
566. to respect the moment
that my woman friendCopy !req
567. and I are sharing,
because it's a special celebrationCopy !req
568. of love and caringCopy !req
569. and a unique spiritual
and emotional understanding.Copy !req
570. Do you want to get a beer?Copy !req
571. Sure.Copy !req
572. Alison, excuse me, but I thought that
this was our time together.Copy !req
573. It's just a beer.
I'll be back in two seconds.Copy !req
574. Actually, my place is, like,
40 minutes from here.Copy !req
575. That's fine.
Which way's your car?Copy !req
576. - It's a van.
- Great.Copy !req
577. Alison! I respect your uniqueness
and your individualityCopy !req
578. and you're your own person.Copy !req
579. If you want to go
with our new friends hereCopy !req
580. to get a drink,
I won't stand in your way.Copy !req
581. Thanks, Elliot.
I knew you'd understand.Copy !req
582. No, wait!
Don't go! Don't go!Copy !req
583. I can't handle this kind of rejection.
Why don't you want to stay?Copy !req
584. You want to know why, Elliot?Copy !req
585. Because you're just too sensitive!Copy !req
586. I'm about to go out of my mind!Copy !req
587. It's been wonderful,
and God knows I love you,Copy !req
588. but enough is enough!Copy !req
589. I just want to be with a manCopy !req
590. who'll ignore me
and take me for granted,Copy !req
591. who's only pretending
to be interestedCopy !req
592. in who I am and what I thinkCopy !req
593. so he can get into my pants.Copy !req
594. That would be me.Copy !req
595. Oh, thank you!Copy !req
596. Let's get out of here.Copy !req
597. Alison? Wait!Copy !req
598. Alison!Copy !req
599. I'll get into your pants!Copy !req
600. Oh, Elliot, get out of there,
you silly boy.Copy !req
601. Man, you are so bad!Copy !req
602. Why, thank you.Copy !req
603. Just admit it.Copy !req
604. You're not very good at this whole
instant-travel thing, are you?Copy !req
605. I'm sorry. Now then,
what were we talking about?Copy !req
606. Oh, your next wish, wasn't it?Copy !req
607. Don't think I don't see
what you're doing.Copy !req
608. I make wishes, and you think up
ways to ruin them!Copy !req
609. I ruin them?Copy !req
610. How can you say that?Copy !req
611. I'm not perfect, you know!
Do you think I enjoy this?Copy !req
612. I'm stuck in this
horrible job for eternity,Copy !req
613. everybody hates me,
I can't sleep,Copy !req
614. and when I actually try to help someone,Copy !req
615. they turn on me like
I'm supposed to beCopy !req
616. God or something!Copy !req
617. For your information,
my life is a living hell!Copy !req
618. I work hard!
I try to look good for you!Copy !req
619. You do look good.
You look very good.Copy !req
620. I just wanted you to like me!Copy !req
621. I do like you.Copy !req
622. It's just I'm feeling
a little frustrated here.Copy !req
623. Don't give up on me, Elliot.
I'm not giving up on you.Copy !req
624. Nobody gets it totally right
right away.Copy !req
625. You're doing great. Really.Copy !req
626. - I am?
- Yeah. You are.Copy !req
627. I'm so sorry your wish
didn't work out.Copy !req
628. Friends?Copy !req
629. Sure.Copy !req
630. I'm sorry if I said anything
to upset you or make you feel bad.Copy !req
631. And I'm gonna try to be
more sensitive next time.Copy !req
632. Oh, I think you're
sensitive enough already.Copy !req
633. - You think?
- Are you kidding?Copy !req
634. You even went for me crying.Copy !req
635. Hey! Were you faking me out?
Because...Copy !req
636. I was 100% sincere.Copy !req
637. It's not easy being
the Barbra Streisand of evil, you know.Copy !req
638. What have we learned so far?Copy !req
639. Well, let's see.Copy !req
640. I'm starting to think women
really don't know what they want.Copy !req
641. Amen!Copy !req
642. They say they want sensitivity,
but you saw how fast she wentCopy !req
643. for those tough dudes on the beach?Copy !req
644. Which tells you?Copy !req
645. That...Copy !req
646. well, it tells me that I want to be
really big and strong.Copy !req
647. I want to have a great body.
Tall and, like,Copy !req
648. Good. Go on.Copy !req
649. - I want to be athletic.
- Check.Copy !req
650. And I want to be rich, too.Copy !req
651. For something that I like doing
and that people really like me for.Copy !req
652. Great! This is getting
really specific.Copy !req
653. Let's see...
big, strong, rich, athletic,Copy !req
654. something you like,
lots of fans...Copy !req
655. are you thinking
what I'm thinking?Copy !req
656. Oh, I hope so.Copy !req
657. In the form of a wish?Copy !req
658. I wish I could play
professional basketball!Copy !req
659. Then I'll just say the magic words:
Dennis Rodman!Copy !req
660. - No!
- Just kidding!Copy !req
661. Michael Jordan.Copy !req
662. Yeah!Copy !req
663. Three... two... one...Copy !req
664. The fans are going nuts here
at the Forum in Los Angeles.Copy !req
665. The score, 135 to 85.Copy !req
666. Elliot Richards
has totally dominated.Copy !req
667. If you're just tuning in,
it's a shameCopy !req
668. because you've missed
one of the greatest performancesCopy !req
669. in the history of sports.Copy !req
670. Absolutely, Jerry.
Absolutely.Copy !req
671. People say basketball caught fireCopy !req
672. with the ascendry
of Michael Jordan.Copy !req
673. But after what
we've seen here tonight,Copy !req
674. a lot of people are gonna be saying,
"Michael who?"Copy !req
675. Right from the get-go,Copy !req
676. the fans took a look
at Elliot RichardsCopy !req
677. and a few women faintedCopy !req
678. and a few fellas,
well, I'd rather not say,Copy !req
679. but they liked what they saw.Copy !req
680. Absolutely.
He's a big fella and an imposing fella.Copy !req
681. He's enormous.
He's listed at 7'6" in the program,Copy !req
682. but I say he plays,
like you said, 11 feet tall.Copy !req
683. No, I don't think
he's that big, Jerry.Copy !req
684. No, I'm saying the game
he plays isCopy !req
685. that of some Viking giantCopy !req
686. with a basketball in one hand
and a club in the otherCopy !req
687. and standing 10, 11, 12 feet tall!Copy !req
688. It's obvious that Elliot RichardsCopy !req
689. will control this game
from the tip-off.Copy !req
690. Right from the get-go,Copy !req
691. Elliot is a dominating force
in tonight's game.Copy !req
692. He was "phi-slamma-jamma,"
rubbing stink all over himCopy !req
693. with rib-tickling jumps
of double-vanilla funk.Copy !req
694. Let's take a look.
Here's a pass worthy of John Elway.Copy !req
695. For the dunk!
Just a beautiful play.Copy !req
696. Here he is lining up for the 3,
and, Ricola, it's good.Copy !req
697. Here comes his patented,
over-the-shoulder,Copy !req
698. no-look three-pointer.Copy !req
699. And nothing but net.Copy !req
700. They got the rhythm tonight.Copy !req
701. They're in the zone.Copy !req
702. Here he is soaring through the airCopy !req
703. like a man on a flying trapezius.Copy !req
704. Bam! That's what I'm talking about!Copy !req
705. Destroying the backboard
and the glass!Copy !req
706. - This kid's an animal.
- Let's take another look.Copy !req
707. And boom!Copy !req
708. Humpty-hump, dump-dump!Copy !req
709. I love this game, folks.
I sure enough do!Copy !req
710. Elliot Richards spitting
glass at your ass!Copy !req
711. Bob is courtside with
Elliot Richards now. Bob?Copy !req
712. Thank you, Jerry and Dan.Copy !req
713. Elliot, you must be one
very proud young man this evening.Copy !req
714. Simply put, that was a staggeringly
dramatic display of athletic ability.Copy !req
715. Well, you know,
you go out thereCopy !req
716. and you give 110%
and you want to play good.Copy !req
717. You hope you play good.
I think we played pretty good tonight.Copy !req
718. In sports terminology... and I
don't mean to sound contrary here...Copy !req
719. the word "good" falls short
of encompassing the sheer virtuosityCopy !req
720. of your performance this evening.Copy !req
721. Um, well, you know,
there's no "I" in the word "team"Copy !req
722. and this is a team effort,
and I want to say I'm proudCopy !req
723. to be associated with
these fine individualsCopy !req
724. that I have had
the pleasure of working with.Copy !req
725. I would never want to dis your
teammates, but you realize thatCopy !req
726. you smashed Wilt Chamberlain's
record of 100 points in a gameCopy !req
727. set in Hershey, Pennsylvania,
all those years ago?Copy !req
728. Oh, man, you just gotta play one game
at a time and give 110%.Copy !req
729. You gotta show you want it more
than they do when the chips fall.Copy !req
730. Thank you very much.
Back to you, Jerry and Dan.Copy !req
731. All right!
Diablos!Copy !req
732. Number one, yeah!Copy !req
733. Elliot.
Hi.Copy !req
734. Alison Gardner.Copy !req
735. "The Sporting News."Copy !req
736. It's nice to meet you, ma'am.Copy !req
737. God, I can't tell you how
thrilled I am to meet you.Copy !req
738. I was wondering if there
was a possibilityCopy !req
739. if you might consider doing
something exclusive with meCopy !req
740. for the magazine.Copy !req
741. You know, maybe more intimate,
one-on-one.Copy !req
742. Just the two of us.Copy !req
743. Yeah, right, I'd kill you one-on-one!Copy !req
744. Shoot!Copy !req
745. God, it's so exciting to be here.
I mean...Copy !req
746. you must have an enormously hugeCopy !req
747. talent to do what you do.Copy !req
748. Well, you know,Copy !req
749. you go out there
and you just give 110%.Copy !req
750. And...Copy !req
751. you hope you play good.
And you want to play good.Copy !req
752. I think we played pretty good.Copy !req
753. God, you were incredible tonight.Copy !req
754. Watching you... I just kept thinking
how unbelievably bigCopy !req
755. your ego must be
after a game like that.Copy !req
756. Well, not that big, really.Copy !req
757. I bet it's pretty big.Copy !req
758. Well, it gets a little bit bigger.Copy !req
759. It depends on how happy I am!Copy !req
760. Want to go back to my place?
I'll show you my bottle cap collection.Copy !req
761. Oh, God, that would...
that would be tremendous.Copy !req
762. All right! Well...Copy !req
763. I should...
I should get dressed.Copy !req
764. I can't wait.Copy !req
765. Oh, my God!Copy !req
766. Hey! What the hell?Copy !req
767. - God, there's this...
- Hey!Copy !req
768. Damn!Copy !req
769. Oh, heck!Copy !req
770. Oh, God,
I remembered there'sCopy !req
771. this teeny, tiny thing to do.Copy !req
772. - What's teeny?
- No, no.Copy !req
773. - Just something I have to write.
- About me?Copy !req
774. Yeah, just a little, short,
itty-bitty blurbCopy !req
775. about tonight's game.Copy !req
776. Well, can I see you
after the road trip?Copy !req
777. I would love to,
but I'm working onCopy !req
778. a really big, huge,
enormous story on the NFL,Copy !req
779. so I probably won't have time.Copy !req
780. Shoot, I understand.Copy !req
781. - You gotta give 110%.
- Right.Copy !req
782. - Stay within yourself.
- Hey, go, yeah.Copy !req
783. Hey, um... thanks for your time.Copy !req
784. So long.Copy !req
785. Oh!Copy !req
786. What the hell?Copy !req
787. Oh, damn the devil!Copy !req
788. Damn the devil to hell!Copy !req
789. Shoot! Darn it!Copy !req
790. Where the heck did I put that?Copy !req
791. 5-5-5.Copy !req
792. 7-7-7.Copy !req
793. Now what are you doing?Copy !req
794. You seem so upset, Elliot.Copy !req
795. Do you want me to give you
something to help you relax?Copy !req
796. You bet I'm upset.Copy !req
797. You gave me this little,
teeny-weeny winkie.Copy !req
798. Well, that's easily fixed, you know.Copy !req
799. Now then, let's see.Copy !req
800. There's some M&M's for room 320.Copy !req
801. Red Hots for 316.Copy !req
802. You're giving them candy?Copy !req
803. Placebos.
They work as well as the real thing.Copy !req
804. It's a scientific fact.Copy !req
805. You can't give sick people Tic Tacs.Copy !req
806. Sick people have
notoriously bad breath.Copy !req
807. I'm performing
a public service here.Copy !req
808. Now then, about your next wish.Copy !req
809. All right, okay.Copy !req
810. Well...Copy !req
811. I want to be smart.Copy !req
812. No, I want to be really smart.Copy !req
813. I want to be able to talk good.
"Well."Copy !req
814. What's the word?Copy !req
815. Articulate?Copy !req
816. Articulate!
Yeah, I want to be articulate.Copy !req
817. And I want to be witty
and sophisticated.Copy !req
818. Charming. I want to know
everything about everythingCopy !req
819. and I want to be popular.Copy !req
820. I want to be good-looking.Copy !req
821. No, no, make that great-looking!Copy !req
822. And I want Alison to fall
head over heels in love with me.Copy !req
823. Anything else?Copy !req
824. Like what?Copy !req
825. Like winkiewise?Copy !req
826. Oh, right.Copy !req
827. Yeah, well,Copy !req
828. I want to be big.Copy !req
829. Not like practical-joke big,Copy !req
830. but, you know, sort of...Copy !req
831. yeah, like that.
Is that clear?Copy !req
832. Crystal. You just say "I wish"
and I'll fill in the rest.Copy !req
833. I wish that
I was witty and articulate...Copy !req
834. Blah, blah, blah.Copy !req
835. You got it, smarty-pants.Copy !req
836. Take two of these
and call me in the morning.Copy !req
837. Oh! Elliot!Copy !req
838. Oh, it is so wonderful
to see you, darling!Copy !req
839. New York has been
so deadly dull without you.Copy !req
840. Where have you been?Copy !req
841. Out in the Hamptons, of course.
Up to my ears in my new book.Copy !req
842. What, another one?Copy !req
843. You've written four books
in three years.Copy !req
844. - What's this one about?
- Oh, same old, same old.Copy !req
845. A deconstruction of the neoromantic
period in art and literatureCopy !req
846. from the political
and economic perspectiveCopy !req
847. of the Industrial Revolution
in France, England, and Germany.Copy !req
848. I can't imagine who reads this stuff!Copy !req
849. Well, Elliot,
the critics, apparently.Copy !req
850. It's already won the Pulitzer PrizeCopy !req
851. and it hasn't
even been published yet.Copy !req
852. Like they say,
Dr. Ngegitigegitibaba,Copy !req
853. a Pulitzer Prize
and $3.50 will get you a caffe latte.Copy !req
854. So modest.Copy !req
855. Darling,
you really should get around.Copy !req
856. Everyone's dying to see you.
Mingle.Copy !req
857. Darling, you look fabulous.
Vassily Mishka?Copy !req
858. What a charming man.
Who is that?Copy !req
859. Oh, that's Elliot Richards.Copy !req
860. He's a very successful writer.Copy !req
861. He's a very successful everything,
as a matter of fact.Copy !req
862. That's Elliot Richards?Copy !req
863. Oh, I've read all his books.
He's brilliant.Copy !req
864. I had no idea he was so handsome.Copy !req
865. Why don't you go and talk to him?Copy !req
866. - I couldn't. What would I say?
- Oh, I wouldn't worry about that.Copy !req
867. Just let him do all the talking.Copy !req
868. It's a common misapprehensionCopy !req
869. that the word "gin"
comes from the city Geneva.Copy !req
870. But the word "geneva," small "g,"
is a corruption of genievre,Copy !req
871. which is French for "juniper,"Copy !req
872. the wonderful berry that flavors
this miraculous libation.Copy !req
873. Speaking of miraculous.Copy !req
874. I'm Elliot Richards.
How do you do?Copy !req
875. I know who you are.Copy !req
876. I'm Alison Gardner.Copy !req
877. I just had to tell you
how much I loved your novelCopy !req
878. "Always Toujours."Copy !req
879. Well, I was just trying
to make a simple point, really.Copy !req
880. Every time I've reread
Camus and Sartre,Copy !req
881. I kept thinking to myself,Copy !req
882. "Why does the existential dilemmaCopy !req
883. - have to be so damned bleak?"
- Yes.Copy !req
884. Yes, we're alone in the universe.Copy !req
885. Yes, life is meaningless,
death is inevitable.Copy !req
886. But is that necessarily
so depressing?Copy !req
887. I couldn't agree more.Copy !req
888. Don't you think
secular humanism is yummy?Copy !req
889. Oh, delish.Copy !req
890. My, my.Copy !req
891. They say alcohol is a disinhibitor,Copy !req
892. and it's working very well on me.Copy !req
893. Me, too.Copy !req
894. What an exquisite feeling.Copy !req
895. Every cell in my body just...Copy !req
896. wants to reach out
and touch someone.Copy !req
897. Yes, it's incredible, isn't it?Copy !req
898. The physiology of touch.Copy !req
899. Just below your epidermis,Copy !req
900. concentrated in your fingertips,Copy !req
901. palms of your hands,Copy !req
902. soles of your feet,Copy !req
903. clitoris,Copy !req
904. nipples, penis,Copy !req
905. lips,Copy !req
906. tongue.Copy !req
907. Thousands of tiny little
Meissner's corpusclesCopy !req
908. all deliciously sensitive
to even the slightest caress,Copy !req
909. sending all those tiny little
endorphin-producingCopy !req
910. pleasure messages
to the hypothalamus...Copy !req
911. the primitive brain.Copy !req
912. I'm tingling all over.Copy !req
913. Do you know the largest organ
in the human body?Copy !req
914. - I can guess.
- You'd be wrong.Copy !req
915. It's your integumentary system.Copy !req
916. Your creamy,Copy !req
917. soft,Copy !req
918. and completely desirable skin.Copy !req
919. - Can we go to your place?
- For something more?Copy !req
920. Oh, this is so perfect!Copy !req
921. Everything here
absolutely screamsCopy !req
922. Elliot Richards.Copy !req
923. Actually, most of the screamingCopy !req
924. takes place...Copy !req
925. in the bedroom.Copy !req
926. What the hell is going on, Mary?Copy !req
927. - Who are you?
- Don't play games with me,Copy !req
928. Mr. Richards.
I'm in no mood.Copy !req
929. I've been out of my mind all night.Copy !req
930. - Oh, my God.
- Hi.Copy !req
931. Who's your little friend?Copy !req
932. Maybe I should be running along.Copy !req
933. Wait. This is a mistake.
I'm not gay.Copy !req
934. Oh, really?
And I'm Tony Danza.Copy !req
935. Honestly, I swear it. I'm not.Copy !req
936. Well, then tell me,Copy !req
937. who was in the Broadway cast
of "The Pajama Game"?Copy !req
938. Janis Paige, John Raitt,
Eddie Foy, Jr...Copy !req
939. I assume
you mean the original castCopy !req
940. because there was a revival
in 1973 with Hal Linden...Copy !req
941. I am gay!Copy !req
942. I rest my case.Copy !req
943. Wait. I can prove to you
that I am not gay.Copy !req
944. Kiss me.Copy !req
945. Oh! This is just sad.Copy !req
946. Will you shut up, bitch?Copy !req
947. Please, Alison,
let me kiss you.Copy !req
948. Remember the champagne,
the corpuscles?Copy !req
949. All right, Elliot, kiss me.Copy !req
950. I'm gay.Copy !req
951. - Well, thanks for dropping by.
- Good night.Copy !req
952. Buh-bye.Copy !req
953. You've been drinking again,
haven't you?Copy !req
954. This is just like the nightCopy !req
955. you had all those
Brandy AlexandersCopy !req
956. and ran up and down Fire IslandCopy !req
957. with your cute little Speedos,
singing "Evergreen" at the top...Copy !req
958. And so the cow
was returned to its rightful owner.Copy !req
959. Okay, boys,Copy !req
960. tonight's homework.
Algebra.Copy !req
961. Xn + Yn = Zn.Copy !req
962. Well, you're never
gonna use that, are you?Copy !req
963. Imperialism and the First World War.Copy !req
964. What was done is done.
No point thinking about it now.Copy !req
965. German, French, Spanish.Copy !req
966. Ja, ja, oui, oui, sí, sí.
It's nonsense.Copy !req
967. Everyone speaks English anyway.Copy !req
968. And if they don't,
they ought to.Copy !req
969. So, no homework tonight.Copy !req
970. But I want you to watch
a lot of television,Copy !req
971. don't neglect your video games,Copy !req
972. and I'll see you in the morning.Copy !req
973. Shall we say 10:00, 10:30?Copy !req
974. No point in getting up
too early, is there?Copy !req
975. Elliot, darling.Copy !req
976. What a lovely surprise!Copy !req
977. I hope you had a pleasant evening.Copy !req
978. As if you didn't know.Copy !req
979. I'm sorry, darling.Copy !req
980. I know it must be
really frustrating for you.Copy !req
981. Maybe I can make it up
to you somehow.Copy !req
982. Yeah, you've been
a really big help so far.Copy !req
983. I know. I've been really
naughty, haven't I?Copy !req
984. Maybe a good spanking's in order.Copy !req
985. Is that all you think about?
Do you think everything is about sex?Copy !req
986. No, of course not.Copy !req
987. I mean, there's greed, gluttony,
sloth, anger, vanity, envy.Copy !req
988. No, there's also honesty
and hard workCopy !req
989. and caring about people
and doing good for somebody else.Copy !req
990. Oh, you're just a big Boy Scout,
aren't you?Copy !req
991. I find that incredibly appealing.Copy !req
992. No. All I've been doing
is thinking about myself.Copy !req
993. I could be doing all these
really important thingsCopy !req
994. to help other people.Copy !req
995. What about Alison?Copy !req
996. Oh, I don't know anymore.
You mess it up anyway.Copy !req
997. I know that Alison's
not really like that.Copy !req
998. What exactly do you have in mind?Copy !req
999. I want to do something great
for mankind.Copy !req
1000. I want to create a better world.Copy !req
1001. I want to go down in history
for doing something really importantCopy !req
1002. and I want Alison
to take me really seriouslyCopy !req
1003. and to treat me with respect.Copy !req
1004. I sense a wish coming on.Copy !req
1005. Yes!Copy !req
1006. I wishCopy !req
1007. that I was the President
of the United States.Copy !req
1008. That is the noblest,Copy !req
1009. most unselfish thing
I've ever heard.Copy !req
1010. And it's a great way to meet girls.Copy !req
1011. Bless you, Elliot Richards,Copy !req
1012. and Godspeed.Copy !req
1013. Mr. President!Copy !req
1014. Alison Gardner.Copy !req
1015. We're so honored
to have you here, sir.Copy !req
1016. No, no, no.Copy !req
1017. The actors are beside themselves
with excitement.Copy !req
1018. We're going to a play?Copy !req
1019. I think you'll find it quite amusing.Copy !req
1020. It's called "Our American Cousin."Copy !req
1021. You know, I think I've seen it.
As a matter of fact, I'm sure I have.Copy !req
1022. I don't think you've seen it, sir.Copy !req
1023. - It's an entirely new play.
- Really? I think I know how it ends.Copy !req
1024. - Say, can we just go to a movie?
- A what?Copy !req
1025. The president.Copy !req
1026. You seem tense tonight,
Mr. President.Copy !req
1027. Oh, well, you know,
I've had a lot on my mind,Copy !req
1028. what with preserving the Union
and my wife going crazy and all.Copy !req
1029. Can I help you find something,
Mr. President?Copy !req
1030. Yeah, I'm looking for my pager.Copy !req
1031. - Your what, sir?
- My pager.Copy !req
1032. It's this little red plastic thingy.Copy !req
1033. It looks kind of like a cell phone,
only smaller.Copy !req
1034. I'm sorry! Sorry!Copy !req
1035. All right, no problem.Copy !req
1036. No problem! No problem!
No problem.Copy !req
1037. - Sic semper tyrannis.
- Wait!Copy !req
1038. Okay.Copy !req
1039. You're late, Richards.Copy !req
1040. Yes, sir. I'm very sorry.
It won't happen again.Copy !req
1041. See that it doesn't.Copy !req
1042. I don't think a person
with your extremely limitedCopy !req
1043. personal-professional skills
can afford to push the envelope.Copy !req
1044. Yes, sir.Copy !req
1045. Thank you, sir.Copy !req
1046. Creep.Copy !req
1047. So tell me, how was it?
I'm dying to know.Copy !req
1048. What are you doing here?Copy !req
1049. Just think of me
as a computer virus.Copy !req
1050. I think of you as a plague.Copy !req
1051. Now will you get off my screen?
I have work to do.Copy !req
1052. Whoa, what's this whole
"get thee behind me" thing?Copy !req
1053. We still have business here,
Mr. Richards.Copy !req
1054. No, not now.
I told you, I've got work to do.Copy !req
1055. And besides,
I've only got two wishes leftCopy !req
1056. - and I don't want to screw them up.
- Correction.Copy !req
1057. You have one wish left.Copy !req
1058. Nice try.Copy !req
1059. - I've got two more coming.
- No. Count them, baby.Copy !req
1060. - You were President of the US.
- Yeah, okay, one.Copy !req
1061. You were a charming,
handsome, articulate,Copy !req
1062. celebrated author and raconteur.Copy !req
1063. Yeah, and you turned me
into a flaming homosexual.Copy !req
1064. - Professional basketball player.
- Three.Copy !req
1065. The sensitive, caring,
artistic guy was four.Copy !req
1066. And the Colombian drug lord was five.Copy !req
1067. - That means I have two more coming.
- You forgot the Big Mac and Coke.Copy !req
1068. - What? That wasn't a wish.
- What do you call it?Copy !req
1069. You said, "I wish," and I got it
for you. Sounds like a wish to me.Copy !req
1070. No! No, no, no, no.
That's not fair.Copy !req
1071. Fair? Who do you think
you're talking to?Copy !req
1072. I don't recall anybody
ever accusing me of being fair before.Copy !req
1073. - I think I'm insulted.
- What? You can't...Copy !req
1074. no, this isn't right!
You can't do this!Copy !req
1075. What are you gonna do?
Sue me?Copy !req
1076. No! That's it!Copy !req
1077. I've had it with you!Copy !req
1078. The whole deal is off.Copy !req
1079. Off!Copy !req
1080. Shut up!Copy !req
1081. Are you all right?Copy !req
1082. Not really.Copy !req
1083. I need to talk to God.Copy !req
1084. Well, that's the power of prayer.Copy !req
1085. Just say what's in your heart
and He hears.Copy !req
1086. No, you don't understand.Copy !req
1087. I really need to talk to Him.Copy !req
1088. Now. It's urgent.Copy !req
1089. Is it something you can tell me?Copy !req
1090. No, it's personal.Copy !req
1091. There's nothing you could say
that I wouldn't understand.Copy !req
1092. Um...Copy !req
1093. Why don't you just try me?Copy !req
1094. Okay, a few days ago,Copy !req
1095. I sold my soul to the devil
for seven wishes.Copy !req
1096. I've already had five of them,
but the devil says I've had six.Copy !req
1097. But I'm not counting
the Big Mac and the Coke,Copy !req
1098. and she is and I don't think
that's fair, do you?Copy !req
1099. This is so unnecessary.Copy !req
1100. - You're coming downtown.
- The devil gypped me for a burger!Copy !req
1101. Tell your story to the sergeant.Copy !req
1102. So do you have a copy
of this contract?Copy !req
1103. No, I told you, she keeps it
in her office.Copy !req
1104. - At this nightclub in Oakland.
- Yes, at a nightclubCopy !req
1105. and, no, I can't tell you where it is.Copy !req
1106. Because you promised
the devil you wouldn't?Copy !req
1107. No, because she drove.
That's why.Copy !req
1108. Right.
In a Lamborghini Diablo.Copy !req
1109. - Look, Officer.
- Sergeant.Copy !req
1110. Sergeant, I know my rights.Copy !req
1111. I don't have to talk to you
without a lawyer.Copy !req
1112. So you either book me
or you let me go.Copy !req
1113. Oh, gee, are those my choices?Copy !req
1114. Oh, what do I do, what do I do?Copy !req
1115. I choose "book you."
Throw him in the lockup.Copy !req
1116. Arraignment in the morning.Copy !req
1117. - Drunk and disorderly.
- What? Hey!Copy !req
1118. - Recommending psychiatric evaluation.
- It's her! It's her, she's the devil!Copy !req
1119. One more word out of you and
I'll pop you one, you whacko bastard.Copy !req
1120. Now move it.Copy !req
1121. Spread them.Copy !req
1122. There's no point fighting about this.Copy !req
1123. You have to learn to accept
the inevitable.Copy !req
1124. We're all doomed anyway,Copy !req
1125. so you might as well
just get with the program,Copy !req
1126. wish your way out of here,
and move on.Copy !req
1127. I wasn't kidding
when I said I liked you.Copy !req
1128. I do, Elliot.Copy !req
1129. I think you have
massive potential.Copy !req
1130. If you're looking
at an eternity in hell,Copy !req
1131. let me tell you,Copy !req
1132. it wouldn't hurt
to have a friend like me.Copy !req
1133. So you just think about that.
Give me a call when you're ready.Copy !req
1134. She's a devil, that one.Copy !req
1135. What?Copy !req
1136. I said, she's a devil,
that lady cop.Copy !req
1137. Yeah, I guess.Copy !req
1138. What you in for, brother?Copy !req
1139. Eternity.Copy !req
1140. Oh, that's a long time.Copy !req
1141. You must have did
some really bad shit.Copy !req
1142. Yeah.Copy !req
1143. I sold my soul.Copy !req
1144. Hope you got something good for it.Copy !req
1145. As a matter of fact,
I got nothing for it.Copy !req
1146. Well, that's a really bad deal,
if you ask me.Copy !req
1147. Well, I'm not asking you.Copy !req
1148. Doesn't really matter, though.Copy !req
1149. - You can't sell your soul anyway.
- Oh, really?Copy !req
1150. Why do you say that?Copy !req
1151. It doesn't really belong to you
in the first place.Copy !req
1152. No way, nohow.Copy !req
1153. So who does it belong to?Copy !req
1154. It belongs to God.Copy !req
1155. That universal spirit that animatesCopy !req
1156. and binds all things in existence.Copy !req
1157. The devil gonna try to confuse you.
But that's her gig.Copy !req
1158. But in the end, you'll see clear
to who and what you areCopy !req
1159. and what you're here to do.Copy !req
1160. Now, you're gonna make
some mistakes along the way,Copy !req
1161. everybody does,Copy !req
1162. but if you just open up your heart
and open up your mind,Copy !req
1163. you'll get it.Copy !req
1164. Who are you?Copy !req
1165. Just a friend, brother.Copy !req
1166. Just a really good friend.Copy !req
1167. Hey, baby!Copy !req
1168. We love you, Elliot!Copy !req
1169. Elliot, darling.Copy !req
1170. So nice of you to drop by.Copy !req
1171. Come into my office.Copy !req
1172. Oh, don't worry about them.
They're having a fabulous time.Copy !req
1173. Pathetic, aren't they?Copy !req
1174. Everybody wants to go
to the party,Copy !req
1175. but nobody wants
to pay the piper.Copy !req
1176. - Are you...?
- Don't get too excited.Copy !req
1177. It's just a Halloween costume.Copy !req
1178. Anyway, Elliot, my darling,
have you thought of your last wish?Copy !req
1179. No.Copy !req
1180. Well, I hate to put a big rush on this,
but there is a time limit.Copy !req
1181. Read your contract.Copy !req
1182. I really don't want another wish.Copy !req
1183. That's funny.Copy !req
1184. Do you think
this halo's too much?Copy !req
1185. No. I really don't want it.Copy !req
1186. What do you mean,
you don't want it?Copy !req
1187. You get seven wishes.Copy !req
1188. There's nothing I want.Copy !req
1189. Well, there are things that I want,
but nothing that you can give me.Copy !req
1190. What is that supposed to mean?Copy !req
1191. Well...Copy !req
1192. last night,
when I was lying in jail,Copy !req
1193. I was talking to this guyCopy !req
1194. and I realized that wishing
just doesn't work.Copy !req
1195. All my life I wished
to be better-looking,Copy !req
1196. richer, successful, talented, whatever.Copy !req
1197. I always thought it'd be great
if someone could just waveCopy !req
1198. a magic wand
and make that happen.Copy !req
1199. Well, I realized that
it just doesn't work by magic.Copy !req
1200. I think I'm gonna be sick.Copy !req
1201. And I've been
starting to think thatCopy !req
1202. it really isn't that important
how far we go in life anyway.Copy !req
1203. It's how we get there
that really matters.Copy !req
1204. Oh.Copy !req
1205. You know,
that is so inspiring.Copy !req
1206. So it's okay?Copy !req
1207. Well, no, Elliot.
I'm afraid it's not okay.Copy !req
1208. A deal's a deal.Copy !req
1209. You get one more wish,
and I get your soul.Copy !req
1210. So let's just get on with it,
shall we?Copy !req
1211. - I'm not gonna do it.
- Oh, really?Copy !req
1212. Before you get all hinky,
I should warn you.Copy !req
1213. I'm not all peaches and cream,
you know.Copy !req
1214. I do have a darker side
and, believe me, it's not pretty.Copy !req
1215. Now you can go easy,
or you can go hard,Copy !req
1216. but one way or another,
I will get your soul.Copy !req
1217. I'm not gonna do it.Copy !req
1218. There's nothing that you can say
or do that will make me.Copy !req
1219. Oh, I think you'll change your mind.Copy !req
1220. I'm just gonna slip into
something a little more terrifying.Copy !req
1221. See you in hell!Copy !req
1222. Wait, wait, wait!
Just wait a minute!Copy !req
1223. Wait!Copy !req
1224. Now listen to me,
you disgusting little maggot!Copy !req
1225. This is your last chanceCopy !req
1226. before the big weenie roast!Copy !req
1227. Make a wish or forever burn in hell!Copy !req
1228. Okay! Okay!Copy !req
1229. I wish...Copy !req
1230. I wish that Alison has a happy life.Copy !req
1231. Oh, God.Copy !req
1232. Is this heaven?Copy !req
1233. Heaven?
God, no, it's the courthouse.Copy !req
1234. I'm just meeting
a couple of lawyers for lunch.Copy !req
1235. Clients of mine.
Come on.Copy !req
1236. Wait, what happened
to the whole,Copy !req
1237. you know, fireCopy !req
1238. - and the big, horny guy with...
- Oh, just a few special effects.Copy !req
1239. Sort of the Universal Studios
tour of evil.Copy !req
1240. It normally works pretty well,
but evidently you weren't going for it.Copy !req
1241. Your last wish
was a deal-breaker.Copy !req
1242. - What?
- Nobody ever reads the contract.Copy !req
1243. Article 147, paragraph 9, section 3:Copy !req
1244. Selfless acts of redemption.Copy !req
1245. Huh?Copy !req
1246. Basically, it says,
"If you commit one truly benevolent act,Copy !req
1247. it voids the contract."Copy !req
1248. So I get to keep my soul?Copy !req
1249. Yes, you get to keep your soul.Copy !req
1250. Yes!Copy !req
1251. Yes! I get to keep my soul!Copy !req
1252. On November 16th, I'll have been
doing this for 6,000 yearsCopy !req
1253. and you're the first person
to give away one of their wishes.Copy !req
1254. I hope it's not
the beginning of a trend.Copy !req
1255. - You're not gonna tell anyone, are you?
- No, no, I promise.Copy !req
1256. Nope.Copy !req
1257. I don't get it, though.
I mean, why are you being nice?Copy !req
1258. Look, Elliot.
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.Copy !req
1259. The whole "good and evil" thing...Copy !req
1260. you know, Him and me.Copy !req
1261. It really comes down to you.Copy !req
1262. You don't have to look hard
for heaven and hell.Copy !req
1263. They're right here on Earth.Copy !req
1264. You make the choice.Copy !req
1265. And I guess you just made yours.Copy !req
1266. So I can go now?Copy !req
1267. Unless you want another
seven wishes.Copy !req
1268. - No, thanks.
- Didn't think so.Copy !req
1269. I really liked you, you know.Copy !req
1270. Well, to tell you the truth,Copy !req
1271. you've been the best friend
I've ever had.Copy !req
1272. Oh, dear.
Don't go gushy on me now.Copy !req
1273. Okay.Copy !req
1274. Go on. Go.
You'll scare the fish away.Copy !req
1275. Alison?Copy !req
1276. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
1277. Oh, uh...Copy !req
1278. Elliot Richards.
We've met a couple times.Copy !req
1279. Yeah, I remember.
Hi, how are you?Copy !req
1280. I'm great.Copy !req
1281. I'm exaggerating.
I'm good.Copy !req
1282. We've been working together here
for the last four yearsCopy !req
1283. and I've always noticed youCopy !req
1284. and thought that you looked
like a very interesting person.Copy !req
1285. I don't know how interesting I am.Copy !req
1286. Well, the truth is I don't know you
and you don't know me,Copy !req
1287. and if we were
to get to know each otherCopy !req
1288. that there's a chance
that we just might hit it off.Copy !req
1289. So I was wondering if you wanted
to go get a cup of coffee or...Copy !req
1290. That's really so nice of you.Copy !req
1291. I'm seeing someone.Copy !req
1292. Well, of course you are.Copy !req
1293. He's sure one lucky guy.Copy !req
1294. Listen, if it ever doesn't
work out with him, then...Copy !req
1295. - That's so nice of you.
- Really?Copy !req
1296. - Yeah. Okay.
- Thanks a lot.Copy !req
1297. - I'll see you around.
- Okay, take care. Bye.Copy !req
1298. - Go. It's a joke.
- It's only 10 bucks.Copy !req
1299. - What's he gonna do?
- Right.Copy !req
1300. Hey, Elliot, fo-felliot, so-smelliot.Copy !req
1301. What's up, dudester?
Yeah.Copy !req
1302. What do you say we go down
to the club tonightCopy !req
1303. and pick up some chickette?Copy !req
1304. Nice talking to you, Bob.Copy !req
1305. - Hey.
- New neighbors?Copy !req
1306. Guess so.Copy !req
1307. Hi. Oh.Copy !req
1308. Hi. You must be the boy next door.Copy !req
1309. Do you want to give me a hand?Copy !req
1310. Habla English?
Spracht English?Copy !req
1311. Parlez-vous "Americiano"?Copy !req
1312. - Hi, I'm Elliot Richards.
- Hey. Nicole Delarusso.Copy !req
1313. Don't call me Nicky, though.
Everyone always calls me Nicky.Copy !req
1314. It starts as Nicole,
then becomes Nicky, then Nick,Copy !req
1315. then Ni, then just "Nn."
People just call me "Nn."Copy !req
1316. I'm cracking myself up here.Copy !req
1317. - You want to give me a hand?
- Yes, I do.Copy !req
1318. - Okay.
- Oh, wow.Copy !req
1319. You got the new Ingebritzens!Copy !req
1320. - Yeah, they're the best!
- They're the best!Copy !req
1321. I'd be happy to hook
these up for youCopy !req
1322. so you could have some music,
if you wanted, while you're unpacking.Copy !req
1323. I could make us dinner...
that way you won't have to cook.Copy !req
1324. Yeah, right.
Me, cook?Copy !req
1325. Thank you.Copy !req
1326. Say, Nicole, you wouldn't happen
to have a sister, would you?Copy !req
1327. No sisters,Copy !req