1. - Heh heh heh heh.
- Heh heh heh heh.Copy !req
2. Ow!Copy !req
3. Whoa!Copy !req
4. - Cool.
Heh heh heh heh.Copy !req
5. Aah!Copy !req
6. Aah!Copy !req
7. Hee hee hee hee.Copy !req
8. Aah!Copy !req
9. Ow! Damn it, Butt-Head.Copy !req
10. Ow!
Space sucks.Copy !req
11. Heh heh heh. That was cool.Copy !req
12. - Heh heh heh heh.
- Heh heh heh.Copy !req
13. - Oh, hello.
I'm Butt-Head.Copy !req
14. Heh heh heh.Copy !req
15. - And I'm Beavis. Heh. Heh.
Welcome.Copy !req
16. Heh heh heh.Copy !req
17. - Some of you
may be wondering whereCopy !req
18. we've been
since we saw you last.Copy !req
19. Well, it's quite a tale.Copy !req
20. A tale of two heroes
on a quest to score,Copy !req
21. across time and space.Copy !req
22. It's a story of sex, violence,
power—Copy !req
23. - Yeah, and fire, heh, yeah,
fire, heh.Copy !req
24. Yeah, don't forget about that.Copy !req
25. - It all began
one ordinary day,Copy !req
26. a day just like any other.Copy !req
27. - Heh heh.
- Ow! Ow!Copy !req
28. Ow! Heh. Ow! Heh.Copy !req
29. Ow... heh... ow... heh...Copy !req
30. Aah! Ow!Copy !req
31. Aah! Ow! Heh... ow!Copy !req
32. What are you two doing?Copy !req
33. Ow! Heh.Copy !req
34. - Uh... we're trying to
find out how many timesCopy !req
35. I can kick Beavis in the nads
before he passes out.Copy !req
36. Yeah, heh.Copy !req
37. - And that's your
science fair project?Copy !req
38. Uhh...Copy !req
39. what science fair?Copy !req
40. Yeah, what's that?Copy !req
41. - Heh heh
- Heh heh heh.Copy !req
42. - Well, it's too bad you didn't
take this more seriously, okay?Copy !req
43. The winner
of the science fair this yearCopy !req
44. gets a free trip
to NASA Space Camp.Copy !req
45. Whoa.Copy !req
46. Space camp?Copy !req
47. That's pretty cool, Butt-Head.Copy !req
48. What if we really
did do a nad-kickingCopy !req
49. science experiment and,
and like,Copy !req
50. we did measurementsCopy !req
51. and we wrote stuff down
with a pencilCopy !req
52. like you're supposed to and—Copy !req
53. and maybe we could prove
everybody wrongCopy !req
54. and win the whole science—Copy !req
55. - Aah!Copy !req
56. Heh heh.Copy !req
57. Whoa.Copy !req
58. - Beavis, I have an idea
for our science fair project.Copy !req
59. Heh heh heh heh.Copy !req
60. Uh, okay, now stand here.Copy !req
61. Okay.Copy !req
62. Heh heh heh.Copy !req
63. Okay.Copy !req
64. You're not gonna kick me
in the nads again, are you?Copy !req
65. No, I'm not, Beavis.Copy !req
66. Those days are over.Copy !req
67. Oh, good. That's a relief.Copy !req
68. That is the best news
I've heard all day.Copy !req
69. Heh heh heh.Copy !req
70. What's that thing?Copy !req
71. - Aah!Copy !req
72. Aah!Copy !req
73. Ahh—uhh—Copy !req
74. - Beavis!Copy !req
75. Beavis,
what the hell are you doing?Copy !req
76. - Did we win the science fair?
- Even better, Beavis.Copy !req
77. We kicked its ass.Copy !req
78. Check it out.Copy !req
79. Whoa! Fire! Fire!Copy !req
80. Fire! Heh. Fire!Copy !req
81. - Beavis and Butt-Head,Copy !req
82. this court
hereby finds you guilty.Copy !req
83. - Yes!
- Yeah!Copy !req
84. Kick-ass, yeah.Copy !req
85. Please rise.Copy !req
86. Do you have anything
to say before I pass sentence?Copy !req
87. - Uhh, if it like
pleased the court,Copy !req
88. or something?Copy !req
89. In my defense, I was trying
to kick Beavis in the nads.Copy !req
90. - And I just want to say,
Your Majesty,Copy !req
91. that, um, the explosions
were really cool.Copy !req
92. Amen. Heh heh.Copy !req
93. - Many have said,
when it comes to sentencing,Copy !req
94. I'm the toughest
judge in the state.Copy !req
95. And they're right.Copy !req
96. But last night,
I watched a show calledCopy !req
97. "Touched by an Angel,"
and it made me think.Copy !req
98. When I look at
these two boys today,Copy !req
99. I don't see their failure.Copy !req
100. I see our failure.Copy !req
101. - He said "touched."
- Heh heh heh.Copy !req
102. Heh, heh, yeah, heh.Copy !req
103. - You boys like explosions,
don't you?Copy !req
104. Uh. Yeah.Copy !req
105. - And fire.
Heh heh heh.Copy !req
106. - Well, you know who else
liked explosions?Copy !req
107. Neil Armstrong.Copy !req
108. And the only difference
between him and youCopy !req
109. is he had the benefit of
supportive familiesCopy !req
110. and teachers.Copy !req
111. - Families.
Heh heh heh.Copy !req
112. - You know what
Neil Armstrong did?Copy !req
113. Did he score?Copy !req
114. - He was
the first man on the moon.Copy !req
115. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
116. We never found out whoCopy !req
117. won that trip to space camp,Copy !req
118. because the records were lost
when the gym burned down.Copy !req
119. But whoever it was
is going to be fine.Copy !req
120. They're going to go on to good
colleges and fine careers.Copy !req
121. So I say,
why not give opportunityCopy !req
122. to those who really need itCopy !req
123. and unlock the potential
of these two at-risk youths?Copy !req
124. I hereby sentence
Beavis and Butt-HeadCopy !req
125. to eight weeks of Space Camp.Copy !req
126. - O-o-oh, no!Copy !req
127. Heh heh heh heh.Copy !req
128. It says Johnson.Copy !req
129. - Heh heh heh.
- Boi-oi-oi-oing...Copy !req
130. Good morning.Copy !req
131. I'm Commander Serena Ryan,Copy !req
132. and I'm captain of
the Space Shuttle Endeavor.Copy !req
133. And I'm Jim Hartson,Copy !req
134. the lieutenant commander,
which is also an important—Copy !req
135. - This week,
you'll have a front row seatCopy !req
136. while we prepare to take
a very important missionCopy !req
137. - into space.
- Yep.Copy !req
138. We're gonna bring a newCopy !req
139. telescope to the
Mir space stationCopy !req
140. and use it to observe
a small black hole.Copy !req
141. Hole.Copy !req
142. - Heh heh heh heh.
- Heh. Heh.Copy !req
143. - Albert Einstein
and Nathan Rosen theorizedCopy !req
144. black holes could contain riftsCopy !req
145. in the very fabric of
the universe, or wormholes,Copy !req
146. that could allow one to travel
through time and space.Copy !req
147. - Wormhole?
Uh-heh-heh.Copy !req
148. - Yeah, I always wondered
how worms score.Copy !req
149. - To my right here is
a model of the entry portCopy !req
150. of Russia's Mir Space Station,Copy !req
151. where we're going to
have to executeCopy !req
152. a very
difficult docking maneuver.Copy !req
153. I'm going to turn things over
to Officer Hartson nowCopy !req
154. and he's going
to show us how it works.Copy !req
155. Whoa!Copy !req
156. Oohh, yeah!Copy !req
157. - Oohh, yeah.
- Whoa.Copy !req
158. Heh heh heh.Copy !req
159. Okay, space campers.Copy !req
160. Now, the fun stuff—
Orbital mechanics.Copy !req
161. Come on.
Yeah!Copy !req
162. Heh heh heh heh.Copy !req
163. - Heh. Heh-heh.
- Heh.Copy !req
164. Oohh, yeah!Copy !req
165. - Oohh, yeah!
- Whoa!Copy !req
166. - Oohh, yeah!
- Whoa!Copy !req
167. - Oh!
- Whoa...Copy !req
168. - Oohh, yeah.
- Whoa!Copy !req
169. - Oohh, yeah, get it!
- Whoa.Copy !req
170. - Yeah.
- Heh heh heh.Copy !req
171. - I hope
you're not spendingCopy !req
172. too much with the space
campers, Serena.Copy !req
173. NASA has a lot
riding on this mission.Copy !req
174. - Hey, you guys
have to see this.Copy !req
175. It's amazing.Copy !req
176. - Ooh, yeah!
- It's these two kidsCopy !req
177. from Space Camp—
they're phenomenal!Copy !req
178. They've been doing this
for 18 hoursCopy !req
179. without food or water.Copy !req
180. It's almost like
they have an unhealthyCopy !req
181. single-minded obsession with it.Copy !req
182. - Check this out, Butt-Head.Copy !req
183. - They're using
the robotic armCopy !req
184. as a secondary backup
in case of mechanical failure.Copy !req
185. No one's ever thought of that.Copy !req
186. Incredible.Copy !req
187. They're brilliant.Copy !req
188. Wait a minute.Copy !req
189. What if we brought them on
the mission to do the docking?Copy !req
190. - You want those two
to go up in spaceCopy !req
191. and dock the actual
space shuttleCopy !req
192. to the Mir space station?Copy !req
193. - And also, I thought
I was gonna do that—Copy !req
194. Think of the PR.Copy !req
195. Two at-risk youths
turned astronauts?Copy !req
196. We could finally
get Americans interestedCopy !req
197. in the space program again.Copy !req
198. - What do we have to lose?
- Nothing, I don't think.Copy !req
199. - They'll never make it
through the training.Copy !req
200. But if they do?Copy !req
201. - Whoa!
- Yeah!Copy !req
202. We'll see.Copy !req
203. - Oohh, yeah.
- Hey, boys.Copy !req
204. - Shut up! We're busy.
- Let me ask you something.Copy !req
205. How would you guys
like to do that...Copy !req
206. but do it for real?Copy !req
207. - Whoa. You want us
to do that...Copy !req
208. - for real?
- Whoa. Heh heh.Copy !req
209. - That's right. I want you
to do that for real.Copy !req
210. In space, with me.Copy !req
211. - W-w-with you? Heh. Heh.Copy !req
212. - That's right.
- Whoa!Copy !req
213. - Yes!
- Absolutely.Copy !req
214. Yes! A thousand times yes!Copy !req
215. - I like your enthusiasm.
But it's gonna be hard work.Copy !req
216. You're gonna have to practice
doing this a lot.Copy !req
217. For hours, every day.Copy !req
218. - Yeah, I—I already do.
Yeah, heh.Copy !req
219. In the bathroom, yeah.Copy !req
220. Sometimes,
in the teacher's lounge.Copy !req
221. - Heh-heh.
Ma'am.Copy !req
222. We've been waiting our entire
lives for this opportunity.Copy !req
223. We will not let you down.Copy !req
224. - Then
let's start your training.Copy !req
225. - Yeah!
- Heh heh heh.Copy !req
226. Beavis.Copy !req
227. The government is about to
train our schlongs.Copy !req
228. - For all mankind.Copy !req
229. - Whoa!Copy !req
230. - Hey, Butt-Head, what part
of sex does this train us for?Copy !req
231. Uh... I think it's the partCopy !req
232. where your face hurts
or something.Copy !req
233. - Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's gonna be good, yeah.Copy !req
234. - Oohh, yeah.Copy !req
235. - Get it! Yeah, yeah!Copy !req
236. - Does everybody who
scores have to do this?Copy !req
237. Uhhh... probably.Copy !req
238. - Ugh.
- Damn it.Copy !req
239. Not bad.Copy !req
240. - Heh-heh. Heh.Copy !req
241. - Damn it, Beavis,
stop barfing or you're going toCopy !req
242. make me bar—Copy !req
243. - Uh...
- Yeah, boy.Copy !req
244. - Well, that concludes
your training.Copy !req
245. So what do you think?Copy !req
246. Are you ready to do it?Copy !req
247. - Yeah, I was ready before,
but now I know howCopy !req
248. to do it upside down,
or something.Copy !req
249. Yeah.Copy !req
250. I'm ready to do it right now,
if you want.Copy !req
251. That's what I like to hear.Copy !req
252. Now, go get yourselves
cleaned up.Copy !req
253. - Beavis, tomorrow, we are
going to score with that lady.Copy !req
254. - In outer space?Copy !req
255. Wherever she wants it.Copy !req
256. Outer space, the back of a car,
I don't care.Copy !req
257. Yeah, me neither.Copy !req
258. - Well?
What do you think?Copy !req
259. - I think NASA
has a couple new astronauts.Copy !req
260. Do you know how few peopleCopy !req
261. have done
what you're about to do?Copy !req
262. Um. No.Copy !req
263. Only 256 men and 49 women.Copy !req
264. - That's a little more
than I was hoping,Copy !req
265. but, you know, that's okay.Copy !req
266. From 16 different countries,Copy !req
267. ranging in age from 28-77.Copy !req
268. - Jesus Christ!
We get it.Copy !req
269. - And that's not even counting
the Russian dog and the monkey.Copy !req
270. - Enough!Copy !req
271. - Of course, there were some
who didn't make it.Copy !req
272. - We're not going
to be one of those, ma'am.Copy !req
273. I can assure you.Copy !req
274. - Yeah, we understand
the risks.Copy !req
275. - Mr. Beaven.
Mr. Boothroid.Copy !req
276. You're the youngest astronauts
ever on the space shuttle.Copy !req
277. What's this moment feel like?Copy !req
278. Oh, hold on a second.Copy !req
279. I've got something
I want to say.Copy !req
280. Heh heh heh.Copy !req
281. Um, I just wanna sayCopy !req
282. I've wanted to do this
my whole life,Copy !req
283. but I never thought
it would really happen,Copy !req
284. and I dreamed about it
every nightCopy !req
285. and then—and then I'd wake upCopy !req
286. and feel ashamed and I'd
try to hide it from my mom.Copy !req
287. But today,
my dream will come true.Copy !req
288. - Heh heh heh.
- And, um,Copy !req
289. I just want to say
that makes me the luckiest manCopy !req
290. in the world.Copy !req
291. - Boi-oi-oi-oing!Copy !req
292. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6...Copy !req
293. Counting sucks.Copy !req
294. - 2, 1, lift-off.Copy !req
295. Fire! Fire! Fire!Copy !req
296. - Endeavor, you are a go
for orbital operations.Copy !req
297. - Damn it.Copy !req
298. - I think
the floor's not working.Copy !req
299. How are you boys doing?Copy !req
300. - Well, Serena, um, do you wanna
like just do it right now?Copy !req
301. or I was thinking
maybe we could—Copy !req
302. We don't need youCopy !req
303. until we dock with the Mir
in three hours.Copy !req
304. Until then, do you
wanna see something amazing?Copy !req
305. Sunrise over Mother Earth.Copy !req
306. Incredible, isn't it?Copy !req
307. - Is it three hours yet?Copy !req
308. - This is the best view
on the whole ship.Copy !req
309. That's why they put the
controls for the telescope here.Copy !req
310. Don't mess with those,
unless you want to riskCopy !req
311. breaking a $2 billion
piece of equipment.Copy !req
312. - Now it's probably
three hours, right?Copy !req
313. - Take it all in while you can.
Just think, all of life,Copy !req
314. everything we've ever known,Copy !req
315. is down there on that
beautiful blue marble.Copy !req
316. Ehh. The Earth sucks.Copy !req
317. Let's mess with those things.Copy !req
318. Heh heh heh.Copy !req
319. All I see is, like,
nighttime or something.Copy !req
320. Let's point it at the sun.Copy !req
321. - Cool, yeah. Heh heh.
Maybe we'll see some fire.Copy !req
322. - Let's have a look here.
See what we can see.Copy !req
323. Aah!Copy !req
324. I saw something but,
like, it went away.Copy !req
325. - Try the other eye.
You've got two of them.Copy !req
326. - Oh yeah, yeah, heh.
Good idea.Copy !req
327. Look over here and—
aah!Copy !req
328. - Beavis, you can't do
anything right.Copy !req
329. Step aside.Copy !req
330. - Okay, boys.
It's go time.Copy !req
331. - It's kinda dark.
- Let me help you there.Copy !req
332. It can be tough,
your first time in space.Copy !req
333. Thank you, ma'am.Copy !req
334. Are you ready to do it?Copy !req
335. - Yeah, but I thought
you wanted usCopy !req
336. to do the docking first.Copy !req
337. Commence docking sequence.Copy !req
338. See? They're doing great.Copy !req
339. Wait. What are you doing?Copy !req
340. What are they doing?Copy !req
341. - No, no, stop!
- No, no, no—Copy !req
342. What's going on?Copy !req
343. - Whoa!Copy !req
344. - Ow! Somebody hit us!Copy !req
345. - Fire!Copy !req
346. Fire! Fire!Copy !req
347. Damn it,
I can't see it.Copy !req
348. Fire!Copy !req
349. - Endeavor.Copy !req
350. Endeavor,
can you hear me?Copy !req
351. We copy, Houston.Copy !req
352. - Endeavor,
your situation is critical.Copy !req
353. You've lost 91% of your oxygenCopy !req
354. and 93% of the fuel
you need to return to Earth.Copy !req
355. The Mir has been damaged,Copy !req
356. causing an international
incident with Russia.Copy !req
357. We've missed our window
to observe the black holeCopy !req
358. which will next be this close
to Earth in 34 trillion years.Copy !req
359. Also...Copy !req
360. - And now we've lost
comms with Earth.Copy !req
361. Uhh...Copy !req
362. well, if you're looking
for some good news,Copy !req
363. I can see again.Copy !req
364. - Yeah, we're ready
to try the docking now.Copy !req
365. - Looks like you guys
got in a wreck.Copy !req
366. - Heh-heh.
Yeah, what happened?Copy !req
367. - We're gonna
make it back to Earth.Copy !req
368. I promise you that.Copy !req
369. But here's the problem.Copy !req
370. I don't know how to say this,Copy !req
371. so I'm just
gonna get right to it.Copy !req
372. There are seven of us,Copy !req
373. and we only have enough
oxygen for five peopleCopy !req
374. to make it home alive.Copy !req
375. So we all have
a decision to make.Copy !req
376. Two people need to
sacrifice themselves.Copy !req
377. - Um, heh.
Now, look, um, heh.Copy !req
378. I-I think we're all thinking
the same thing here.Copy !req
379. Can we put the TV back on?Copy !req
380. - Yeah, but something cool this
time, 'cause that show sucked.Copy !req
381. - Yeah, yeah, really.
"You have no oxygen."Copy !req
382. - Blah, blah, blah, blah.
- No, we can't putCopy !req
383. the TV back on—
that was our lastCopy !req
384. communication with Earth.Copy !req
385. - You know...
- Captain, if I can makeCopy !req
386. - a suggestion—
- Guys.Copy !req
387. I volunteer.Copy !req
388. - Captain, no.
- You can't be serious.Copy !req
389. I'm the captain of this ship.Copy !req
390. It would be easy
to blame our predicamentCopy !req
391. on the mistakes
of two absolute idiots.Copy !req
392. - Boy, I'm glad
you said it and not us.Copy !req
393. - Heh-heh.
- Yeah, really.Copy !req
394. Where'd you find
these two dumbasses?Copy !req
395. - No, you!
I'm clearly talking about you.Copy !req
396. But I chose you
for this mission.Copy !req
397. And ultimately,Copy !req
398. the responsibility
lies with me.Copy !req
399. I'll volunteer too.Copy !req
400. If this is the end,Copy !req
401. I wanna make it
count for something.Copy !req
402. - End.Copy !req
403. - I'm gonna put on my suit
and take one last spacewalk.Copy !req
404. It's how I always wanted to go.Copy !req
405. - Wait a minute,
where's she going?Copy !req
406. Is it time to score?
Heh heh heh.Copy !req
407. - Beavis, they put us
in this rocket thingCopy !req
408. to score with Serena.Copy !req
409. It's gonna be one
giant leap for our schlongs.Copy !req
410. - Yeah, for all mankind.Copy !req
411. Uh, Serena?Copy !req
412. What?Copy !req
413. - I-I just wanted to thank you
for choosing us for this honor.Copy !req
414. I know I'm not the first guyCopy !req
415. most people would pick,
but you did and...Copy !req
416. and I'll be thankful
for the rest of my life.Copy !req
417. That's all.Copy !req
418. - Your actions this day
will not soon be forgotten.Copy !req
419. Maybe I misjudged you two.Copy !req
420. Listen.Copy !req
421. This belonged to my grandmother.
She used to tell me,Copy !req
422. - "Keep dreaming your dreams."
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
423. - "One day,
they might just come true."Copy !req
424. - Ha.
- I want you to have it.Copy !req
425. Okay. Heh.Copy !req
426. - Watch me through the window,
doing what I love.Copy !req
427. One last time.Copy !req
428. - My dream's over...
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
429. - But I hope someday
your dream comes true.Copy !req
430. I've gotta go put on my suit.Copy !req
431. - Whoa, she wants us to watch
her change through the window.Copy !req
432. Heh heh heh heh.Copy !req
433. - Are you sure about that,
Butt-Head?Copy !req
434. - Of course, dumb-ass.
You heard her.Copy !req
435. She said watch me
through the windowCopy !req
436. and your dreams will come true.Copy !req
437. Oh yeah.Copy !req
438. - And she gave us this
bracelet to seal the deal.Copy !req
439. - Yeah.Copy !req
440. Oh, yeah. Heh.Copy !req
441. - Are you shitting me?Copy !req
442. Okay. I've had enough
of these dickheads.Copy !req
443. Enjoy space.Copy !req
444. - Now that
I'm about to be captain,Copy !req
445. things are gonna be
a little different around here.Copy !req
446. First of all—oh.
Hello!Copy !req
447. - I have some extremely
distressing news to share.Copy !req
448. Specialist Beavis
and Specialist Butt-HeadCopy !req
449. made the very brave
and noble decisionCopy !req
450. to sacrifice themselves.Copy !req
451. - Oh, that's awful.
- What a tragedy.Copy !req
452. - So, no reason
for me to volunteer, then?Copy !req
453. Okay.Copy !req
454. Just so we're clear, then...
I un-volunteer.Copy !req
455. I did volunteer, you know.
For the record.Copy !req
456. You can tell people.Copy !req
457. - Aah!Copy !req
458. - Aah!
- Ohh—Copy !req
459. - Believe me,
I tried to talk them out of it.Copy !req
460. But they felt it was
the right thing to do,Copy !req
461. and they left the airlock
before I could stop them.Copy !req
462. - Oh, no—
- But while their tragically,Copy !req
463. brief lives may be over,Copy !req
464. they will live forever
in our memories.Copy !req
465. Yeah.Copy !req
466. - The elaborate dance
of seduction continues.Copy !req
467. - Yeah, she really knows
how to build the anticipation.Copy !req
468. You know what I'm saying?Copy !req
469. Whoa! Um, Butt-Head?Copy !req
470. What is that thing?Copy !req
471. It feels like sucking us in
or something.Copy !req
472. - Uh... it looks like
some kind of gigantic hole.Copy !req
473. And it's black.
Wait a minute, Beavis.Copy !req
474. I think I know what
kind of hole this is.Copy !req
475. Really?Copy !req
476. - It's a butthole.Copy !req
477. - No, no, no.
No way. No thanks.Copy !req
478. I don't want to die
in a butthole!Copy !req
479. I have dreams about it
all the time—no! No way!Copy !req
480. - Settle down, Beavis.
- Uh-oh-ahh!Copy !req
481. - Aah!
- Aah!Copy !req
482. - Umm, Butt-Head.Copy !req
483. Where are we?Copy !req
484. - Uh... I don't know.
- Are we still in space?Copy !req
485. - Whoa, Beavis.
You're not gonna believe this.Copy !req
486. Look at that number,
up there on the billboard.Copy !req
487. - Let's see, um—heh.Copy !req
488. There's a two. And then,
um, some kind of circle.Copy !req
489. And I don't know what that is,Copy !req
490. I've never seen
one of those before.Copy !req
491. - No, dumb-ass.
Not that number.Copy !req
492. That one.Copy !req
493. 69.Copy !req
494. - Um, so anyway, um,
are we still in space, though?Copy !req
495. - Whoa, Beavis.
Look, it's Serena.Copy !req
496. Whoa!Copy !req
497. - I guess she like made
a big sign so we'd rememberCopy !req
498. we're supposed
to score with her.Copy !req
499. Oh, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
500. You know, that's really
thoughtful of her,Copy !req
501. she's a really nice lady.Copy !req
502. Well, let's go do her.Copy !req
503. - The missing nuke is somewhere
here in the Caucasus Mountains.Copy !req
504. It is our nation's
highest priority to find it.Copy !req
505. It's happened.Copy !req
506. Excuse me.Copy !req
507. - We've detected
a major space-time breachCopy !req
508. in American airspace.Copy !req
509. My God.Copy !req
510. - And something
came through it—Copy !req
511. two lifeforms.Copy !req
512. - Who could it be?
The Chinese... Russia?Copy !req
513. Or aliens.Copy !req
514. - This is why
we needed that space telescopeCopy !req
515. to observe the black hole
in '98—damn it!Copy !req
516. Whatever they are,Copy !req
517. we need to get down there
and find them.Copy !req
518. And dissect them.Copy !req
519. - Get Alpha Team on the plane.
We're wheels up in five minutes.Copy !req
520. That's better.Copy !req
521. - You can't score
with these things on.Copy !req
522. - Greetings,
Beavis and Butt-Head.Copy !req
523. We bring you a grave warning.Copy !req
524. - Uh... who are you
fart knockers?Copy !req
525. - We are you,
from what your primitive planetCopy !req
526. would call
an "alternate universe."Copy !req
527. - A what?
- An alternate universe.Copy !req
528. Uh... a what?Copy !req
529. - Um, did you see the cartoon
Spider-Man movie, per chance?Copy !req
530. - Uh... no.
- Oh.Copy !req
531. That would have made
explaining it a lot easier.Copy !req
532. - Our names are unknowable
to your puny brains.Copy !req
533. But you may call us
Smart BeavisCopy !req
534. and Smart Butt-Head.Copy !req
535. - You see,
in infinite universes,Copy !req
536. there are infinite
iterations of every person.Copy !req
537. Every possible
version of you exists,Copy !req
538. and we are the most
intelligent versions.Copy !req
539. - Uh... did any of the other
versions ever score?Copy !req
540. - No.Copy !req
541. No version of Beavis
and Butt-Head has ever scored.Copy !req
542. - That is true
in every reality.Copy !req
543. Cool.Copy !req
544. We're gonna be the first ones.Copy !req
545. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
546. - Humorous, quite humorous.
Yes.Copy !req
547. - Droll, very droll, yes.
Whimsical.Copy !req
548. - That is amusing, yes.
Quite jocular, yes.Copy !req
549. - Mirthful, yes.Copy !req
550. - Okay, that's enough
frivolity.Copy !req
551. When you went through
the black hole,Copy !req
552. you traveled through
a five-dimensional portalCopy !req
553. in space and time.Copy !req
554. But in so doing,Copy !req
555. you damaged the delicate
structure of the cosmos.Copy !req
556. Damage is cool.Copy !req
557. - And now,
both of our universesCopy !req
558. face total destruction.Copy !req
559. - And so we come to you
for help.Copy !req
560. - There's a space-time portalCopy !req
561. that will return you
to your time.Copy !req
562. - You must enter this portal
before it closes in two days,Copy !req
563. or everything you have ever
known will be gone forever.Copy !req
564. - The portal is located
on the highest pointCopy !req
565. on your planet,
atop your "Mount Everest."Copy !req
566. This is your quest.Copy !req
567. You have exactly two days.Copy !req
568. May science be with you.Copy !req
569. - You said "mount,"
Smart Beavis.Copy !req
570. Yes, their primitive languageCopy !req
571. has two meanings
for that word, yes.Copy !req
572. Humorous, quite jocular.Copy !req
573. - Very droll and whimsical,
yes, yes.Copy !req
574. - What did they say?
- Uhh. I don't know.Copy !req
575. I think they were like
British or something.Copy !req
576. Okay, now let's go score.Copy !req
577. Um, we're here for Serena.Copy !req
578. - She probably
told you about us.Copy !req
579. So if you can just like,
you know,Copy !req
580. tell her we're ready
to get down with it.Copy !req
581. Heh heh heh heh.Copy !req
582. - Okay,
so you want to volunteer?Copy !req
583. Maybe do some
canvassing for Serena?Copy !req
584. Canvassing?Copy !req
585. We've never done this before,
so like,Copy !req
586. maybe just, you know,
the regular way.Copy !req
587. I wanna volunteer my wiener.Copy !req
588. - Why don't we
just step over hereCopy !req
589. so we can get a picture
of you two.Copy !req
590. - Do we need to, like, take
our clothes off or something?Copy !req
591. Yeah.Copy !req
592. We're gonna score!Copy !req
593. - Oh, these polls
are horseshit.Copy !req
594. Can you remind me
why I'm paying youCopy !req
595. to get me re-elected governor?Copy !req
596. - And me re-elected lieutenant
governor, which is also—Copy !req
597. - Well, Governor, our new
strategy is youth outreach.Copy !req
598. - Youth outreach.
- Our campaign teamsCopy !req
599. have been recruiting
young volunteersCopy !req
600. to use for a new ad campaign.Copy !req
601. We brought some pictures
for you to look at.Copy !req
602. - Pictures, okay.
- No, no.Copy !req
603. Loser. Eww.Copy !req
604. No.Copy !req
605. Clear the room.Copy !req
606. - I'm assuming
you wanted me to stay,Copy !req
607. because I'm second in command.Copy !req
608. Look at this.Copy !req
609. They look exactly
like those kids I killedCopy !req
610. on the mission in '98.Copy !req
611. - Wow.
They really do.Copy !req
612. But they can't be the same
kids—that's impossible.Copy !req
613. It's them. I know it.Copy !req
614. I spent three weeks stranded
in space because of those two,Copy !req
615. certain I would die.Copy !req
616. Drinking my own urine.Copy !req
617. We had to eat
flight specialist Jung.Copy !req
618. - Yeah, I didn't actually
get to eat any—Copy !req
619. And then 24 yearsCopy !req
620. haunted that I had killed
two people,Copy !req
621. that the world
would find out what I'd done.Copy !req
622. - Yes, sometimes I wish
I didn't know thatCopy !req
623. because it sorta puts me
in a tricky positionCopy !req
624. going-to-jail-wise.Copy !req
625. - They must have fallen
into the black hole somehow.Copy !req
626. Traveled through
an Einstein-Rosen wormhole.Copy !req
627. That's amazing.Copy !req
628. I mean, we have to tell
the scientific community—Copy !req
629. - We have to kill them before
they tell everyone what I did.Copy !req
630. - Right kill them. Yep.
Mm-hmm, no, that's what I meant.Copy !req
631. That's yeah, okay, good.Copy !req
632. - I just hope
we're not too late.Copy !req
633. Get the helicopter.Copy !req
634. Tell them I'm gonna go
visit some sick—Copy !req
635. I don't know—
veterans or dogs.Copy !req
636. - Why wasn't she there,
Butt-Head?Copy !req
637. Why would she
put up a big pictureCopy !req
638. of herself
and then not be there?Copy !req
639. - Uh... it's a little
game she's playing.Copy !req
640. She wants us to chase her.Copy !req
641. - Oh yeah.
Here we come.Copy !req
642. - Excuse me.
Excuse me.Copy !req
643. Please would you to take this?Copy !req
644. - Uh, take it?
- Yes.Copy !req
645. Okay.Copy !req
646. - No, you hold like this
and look here.Copy !req
647. - Whoa.
Check it out, Beavis.Copy !req
648. That guy just gave us
a cool little TV.Copy !req
649. - Heh.
Do you have any bigger TVs?Copy !req
650. Uh, this show sucks.Copy !req
651. It's like just these
fat people standing there.Copy !req
652. - I don't know, Butt-Head.
It's not that bad. Heh heh.Copy !req
653. Is good?Copy !req
654. Should we back up?Copy !req
655. Uh, Okay.Copy !req
656. - Like this
or more backing up?Copy !req
657. Uh...Copy !req
658. We're trying to watch TV.Copy !req
659. - Like thi—ahh!Copy !req
660. That was cool.Copy !req
661. - Yeah, it's like the show
really found itself, you know.Copy !req
662. Glad we stuck with it.Copy !req
663. - Uh, we want some nachos,
but we don't have any money.Copy !req
664. - So why don't you
just pay with your phone?Copy !req
665. Uh... you mean this thing?Copy !req
666. - Here. I'll show you,
what's your password?Copy !req
667. Ehh, password?Copy !req
668. Your password is password.Copy !req
669. That's original.Copy !req
670. - Whoa, we just
paid for that with this?Copy !req
671. - Yeah, you can pay for
anything with your phone.Copy !req
672. Whoa. Anything?Copy !req
673. - That's right.
Anything at all.Copy !req
674. - Beavis,
this changes everything.Copy !req
675. - Sir, based on
eyewitness interviews,Copy !req
676. we've made a composite
sketch of the life forms.Copy !req
677. - Whatever they are,
they're definitely not human.Copy !req
678. - Uh, send up 100
more orders of nachos.Copy !req
679. - Hey Butt-Head, this phone
kicks ass and everything.Copy !req
680. But we need to find Serena.Copy !req
681. Shut up, Beavis.Copy !req
682. I'm speaking with the nacho man.Copy !req
683. You see what I have
to deal with?Copy !req
684. - Hey, seriously.
- How can I help you?Copy !req
685. Whoa, um, who is this?Copy !req
686. I'm Siri. I'm here to help.Copy !req
687. - It's Serena.
Hey Butt-Head.Copy !req
688. - Butt-Head!
- Damn it, Beavis,Copy !req
689. I told you to shut up.Copy !req
690. Do those nachos come with
side orders of nachos?Copy !req
691. Hey, hello.Copy !req
692. - How can I help you?
- Hey, how's it going? Yeah.Copy !req
693. Good to talk to you. Yeah.Copy !req
694. So, um, I was wondering,
um, you know, like, um,Copy !req
695. when we're going
to score you know?Copy !req
696. - Notre Dame is losing
to Alabama 7 to 0.Copy !req
697. Yeah, that's interesting.Copy !req
698. Um, so um, I know you
probably like Butt-Head more,Copy !req
699. - but I was thinking—
- I don't understand Butt-Head.Copy !req
700. Yeah, me neither.Copy !req
701. Like, he thinks he can
tell me what to do,Copy !req
702. and he's always trying
to kick my ass for no reason.Copy !req
703. And it just gets
old after a while.Copy !req
704. You know? I'm tired of it.Copy !req
705. How can I help you?Copy !req
706. - Oh, just you know,
like, listening you know,Copy !req
707. helps a lot.Copy !req
708. I guess I never really had
anybody, you know, like toCopy !req
709. actually listen like when
I'm talking and stuff, you know?Copy !req
710. Heh heh heh.Copy !req
711. Like nobody
hears the real Beavis.Copy !req
712. You know what I'm saying?Copy !req
713. I don't understand Beavis.Copy !req
714. - You know,
neither do I sometimes.Copy !req
715. Yeah. Neither do I.Copy !req
716. - And don't skimp
on the nacho cheese sauce,Copy !req
717. or I'm talking to
the manager.Copy !req
718. Ugh.Copy !req
719. Beavis? Beavis?Copy !req
720. - You know, it's like
sometimes when I talk to you,Copy !req
721. you know, I have this like
strange feeling.Copy !req
722. It's like I'm happy
and sad at the same time.Copy !req
723. I don't know what it means.Copy !req
724. - Do you want me
to search the web?Copy !req
725. - Yeah, spider webs kick ass.
Yeah.Copy !req
726. Maybe we can search for some.
Yeah.Copy !req
727. - A spider web is a structure
created by a spiderCopy !req
728. out of proteinaceous
spider silk.Copy !req
729. It feels good to talk.Copy !req
730. Open the door, butthole.Copy !req
731. - I don't understand butthole.
- Leave us alone!Copy !req
732. - Damn it, Beavis,
are you talking to Serena?Copy !req
733. Unlock the door now!Copy !req
734. I can't unlock the door.Copy !req
735. First you need
to set up the Home app.Copy !req
736. Would you like me
to help you set up your home?Copy !req
737. - Wait a minute.
You're in our home?Copy !req
738. - Would you like me
to help you set up your home?Copy !req
739. - Butt-Head,
she's at the house!Copy !req
740. We need to go home
right now so we can score.Copy !req
741. - Notre Dame is
losing to Alabama 17-10.Copy !req
742. Walking directions to 322
Woodson St., Highland, Texas.Copy !req
743. Wood.Copy !req
744. Your trip will take 167 hours.Copy !req
745. - We'll be there
before sunset, Beavis.Copy !req
746. We just missed them, sir.Copy !req
747. They wanted us to find this.Copy !req
748. Definitely not human.Copy !req
749. - They paid
for the room with a phone,Copy !req
750. so we were able to get
a recording of their voices.Copy !req
751. - Woodson.Copy !req
752. You have wood, son.Copy !req
753. Boing.Copy !req
754. - It's crude,
but they're learningCopy !req
755. to approximate human speech.Copy !req
756. I'll know more when I dissect
their mouthparts.Copy !req
757. - We've got GPS
lock on the phone.Copy !req
758. Let's move.Copy !req
759. Governor, oh, my gosh,Copy !req
760. I can't believe I finally
get to meet you.Copy !req
761. - And I'm the lieuten—Copy !req
762. - I'm just so interested
in all my young supporters,Copy !req
763. but particularly these two.Copy !req
764. Oh, them.Copy !req
765. - Did they say
anything about me?Copy !req
766. Or tell you why they were here?Copy !req
767. - No.
Mostly they just laughed a lot.Copy !req
768. From the minute
I introduced myself.Copy !req
769. Introduced yourself?Copy !req
770. What's your name?Copy !req
771. I'm Richard Whack.Copy !req
772. - Dick Whack.Copy !req
773. - Well, I've always gone by
Richard for that very rea—Copy !req
774. - It really is them.
- Damm it.Copy !req
775. Order a roadblock on all
roads leading out of town.Copy !req
776. Say it's—do people
still care about terrorism?Copy !req
777. - I do, Governor.
- Let's go with that.Copy !req
778. - And so does
the whole Whack family.Copy !req
779. - Um, Butt-Head, um,
I was wondering something, um...Copy !req
780. I had a conversation
with this chick one time.Copy !req
781. And so, um, I was wondering, um,Copy !req
782. how do you know when
you're like, in love?Copy !req
783. You know, what I'm saying?Copy !req
784. - What wuss-ass thing
did you just say, Beavis?Copy !req
785. - Uh, never mind, never mind.Copy !req
786. I'm just gonna take a whiz,
Butt-Head.Copy !req
787. I'll just go ahead
and get that from you.Copy !req
788. - Be right back.
- Uh, okay.Copy !req
789. Hey, Serena. How's it going?Copy !req
790. - I'm happy to be here.Copy !req
791. It's good to hear your voice.Copy !req
792. I can't change my voice.Copy !req
793. But you can do it
yourself in settings.Copy !req
794. - Oh, no, no, no,
I like your voice.Copy !req
795. I just want to say,
you know, like, um,Copy !req
796. we were eating some nachos,
you know?Copy !req
797. And I love nachos, you know?Copy !req
798. And then, um, and then I
was thinking about you and me.Copy !req
799. And I just want to say
that I also love, um,Copy !req
800. I mean—Copy !req
801. - I didn't get that.
Could you try again?Copy !req
802. - You know what I'm
talking about though, right?Copy !req
803. You know, it's a word
that starts with an L, I think,Copy !req
804. or something, I mean,
maybe you could say it first.Copy !req
805. I mean, you know,
if you want to.Copy !req
806. - Sorry, I'm having trouble
connecting to the network.Copy !req
807. - Uh-huh. And? And?Copy !req
808. - Damn it, Beavis.Copy !req
809. You better not be
talking to Serena in there.Copy !req
810. - No, no, I'm just
spanking my monkey.Copy !req
811. You better be.Copy !req
812. - I don't understand
spanking my monkey.Copy !req
813. - Damn it, Beavis,
you lying son of a bitch.Copy !req
814. - Anyway, Serena,
I was just gonna say,Copy !req
815. and I've never said thisCopy !req
816. to any girl before but, um...Copy !req
817. I—I love—Copy !req
818. - Damn it!
- No, no, no.Copy !req
819. No!Copy !req
820. We just lost the phone signal.Copy !req
821. Damn it!Copy !req
822. You dumb-ass.Copy !req
823. Now get it before it
gets all covered with turds.Copy !req
824. - I don't see it, Butt-Head.
Maybe it's deeper in.Copy !req
825. If I can just get—Copy !req
826. Get me out of here!Copy !req
827. - Do you see it now?
- It stinks!Copy !req
828. - Damn it, Beavis, you
gotta really get down there.Copy !req
829. - You're not even trying.
- Come on. Help me.Copy !req
830. - Uh, okay, Beavis,
I'll help you.Copy !req
831. Guess I have
to do everything myself.Copy !req
832. Get me out of here now!Copy !req
833. - Come on, get in there,
you lazy son of a bitch.Copy !req
834. There's turds down here!Copy !req
835. - I don't care about
your turds, Beavis.Copy !req
836. Now get down there.
We need that phone to score.Copy !req
837. - They must have known we were
tracking their phone and put itCopy !req
838. in some sort of signal
blocking device or Faraday cage.Copy !req
839. - They've studied
our tradecraft.Copy !req
840. They're good.Copy !req
841. Aah! Turd!Copy !req
842. Damn it!Copy !req
843. - What's rolling around
down there?Copy !req
844. Get me outta here!Copy !req
845. There's turds down here.Copy !req
846. Time to wake up, Beavis.Copy !req
847. Ah! Ah! Where am I?Copy !req
848. Turds!Copy !req
849. If I can...
I can see it—Copy !req
850. I found it!Copy !req
851. Damn it, that's not a phone.Copy !req
852. There it is, dumb-ass.Copy !req
853. - Oh, yeah, yeah,
I didn't see it there.Copy !req
854. You're disgusting, Beavis.Copy !req
855. - Your trip to Woodson Street,
HighlandCopy !req
856. will take 274 hours.Copy !req
857. - Whoa,
she's counting the hours.Copy !req
858. Let's get moving, Beavis.Copy !req
859. - Sir, we've got
a lock on the phone again.Copy !req
860. - Change course to intercept.
- We won't lose them this time.Copy !req
861. - What is this?
Is this college or something?Copy !req
862. It could be.Copy !req
863. - Something sucks.
- Oh, boy. Heh heh.Copy !req
864. Let's get out of here before
we learn something, Butt-Head.Copy !req
865. Yeah, really.Copy !req
866. - Beavis, Butt-Head, it is we.Copy !req
867. - We have made
the quest easier.Copy !req
868. We have moved the portal.Copy !req
869. - Mount Everest seemed like
a good idea at the timeCopy !req
870. for its proximity to space,
but the trip was a long-y.Copy !req
871. - Are you those guys
that are like usCopy !req
872. or something?Copy !req
873. We've covered this already.Copy !req
874. - The portal is now over there
behind the Classics building.Copy !req
875. - It is well hidden
there because no oneCopy !req
876. cares about
the humanities anymore.Copy !req
877. - They want jobs that will
allow them to pay offCopy !req
878. their student debt.Copy !req
879. - Amusing, yes.
- Yes, humorous, yes.Copy !req
880. - Satirical comment
on the times.Copy !req
881. Yes, amusing.Copy !req
882. - Seek the portal
before all is destroyed.Copy !req
883. - The lives
of billions depend on it.Copy !req
884. - Hurry, you haven't
but much time.Copy !req
885. He said butt munch.Copy !req
886. I did not.Copy !req
887. But I can see how
it would it be quiteCopy !req
888. - humorous if I had—
- Yes, yes humorous.Copy !req
889. - Yes, yes,
they do sound similar.Copy !req
890. Amusing and incongruous.Copy !req
891. Uh, I like those guys.Copy !req
892. How'd they disappear, though?Copy !req
893. Uh, who cares?Copy !req
894. Magic sucks.Copy !req
895. Are you sure about this?Copy !req
896. Feels a little bit
like a wild goose chase.Copy !req
897. - Listen,
one of our dipshit collegeCopy !req
898. campaign volunteers had
some crazy story about how sheCopy !req
899. saw two teenagers
coming out of the sameCopy !req
900. Porta Potty laughing at nothing,Copy !req
901. and one of them was covered
in feces and nacho cheese.Copy !req
902. Who else could it be?Copy !req
903. Well, when I was in college,Copy !req
904. I did some pretty crazy—Copy !req
905. Here's the deal.Copy !req
906. If I don't kill those guys, I'm
going to be accused of murder.Copy !req
907. And if I'm gonna be
accused of murder,Copy !req
908. I might as well kill those guys.Copy !req
909. - So we're going to find them.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
910. - Let's take
a shortcut through this thing.Copy !req
911. - While exaggerating
gender norms sometimes winds upCopy !req
912. subverting existing paradigms—Copy !req
913. Don't mind us.Copy !req
914. - We just need to get
through here so we can score.Copy !req
915. - Yeah. There's a slut at
our house who's gonna likeCopy !req
916. do it with us.Copy !req
917. Any of you ladies
want to join the party?Copy !req
918. Hang on, everyone. Hang on.Copy !req
919. This is teachable, okay?Copy !req
920. Now, they use the word "slut"Copy !req
921. in a sex positive way,
which is a good thing.Copy !req
922. But other than that,
these two are a reminderCopy !req
923. that we still have a long,
hard road ahead of us.Copy !req
924. Long, hard.Copy !req
925. - Yeah, like a wiener,
or a schlong.Copy !req
926. You know, get it?Copy !req
927. - Uh-huh.Copy !req
928. Why don't we start by having
you two tell us what you thoughtCopy !req
929. of the reading
assignments for today?Copy !req
930. - Uh, we don't really
read stuff.Copy !req
931. - Of course not,
because you don't need to.Copy !req
932. Because Daddy's connections
got you into collegeCopy !req
933. and will get you
a job on Wall Street.Copy !req
934. Uh, wait a minute.Copy !req
935. Do you know who my dad is?Copy !req
936. - I'm sure he's very powerful
and can have me fired.Copy !req
937. But I don't care.Copy !req
938. Cool. My dad's powerful.Copy !req
939. - Oh, that's cool. Yeah.Copy !req
940. Because Butt-Head's mom
said he died of syphilis.Copy !req
941. Wow.Copy !req
942. - This is a classic
example of white privilege.Copy !req
943. And you both have it.Copy !req
944. Uh, what's that?Copy !req
945. Anyone want to fill them in?Copy !req
946. Yeah, I'll do it.Copy !req
947. Okay. So, white privilegeCopy !req
948. is when white people,
particularly men,Copy !req
949. automatically assume they
can take whatever they want.Copy !req
950. - And they never have
to worry aboutCopy !req
951. getting stopped by the police.Copy !req
952. - And they have the inside
track for any job they—Copy !req
953. I've got this one, Aisha.Copy !req
954. They have the inside track
for any job they want.Copy !req
955. - Exactly, Gage,
thank you for that.Copy !req
956. That's white privilege.Copy !req
957. Whoa, and we have that?Copy !req
958. You sure do.Copy !req
959. - I see.
- Whoa.Copy !req
960. I never realized this stuff.Copy !req
961. - Yeah, you've
really opened up my eyes.Copy !req
962. - Well, I'm glad we've
been able to enlighten you.Copy !req
963. The real question is,
do you think you'llCopy !req
964. be acting
differently from now on?Copy !req
965. - I guarantee it.
- Yeah, me too.Copy !req
966. - Step aside, please.Copy !req
967. We have white privilege.Copy !req
968. Yeah, yeah, check it out.Copy !req
969. Don't worry, it's okay.Copy !req
970. We automatically assume
we can take what we wantCopy !req
971. and we don't have
to worry about the police.Copy !req
972. It's okay, you didn't know.
We didn't either.Copy !req
973. Good stuff.Copy !req
974. - This is what
we were taught, sir.Copy !req
975. - We're subverting
the existing paradigm.Copy !req
976. This rules.Copy !req
977. I never thought I'd say this,
but I'm glad we went to college.Copy !req
978. - Now I have the skills
for today's workplace.Copy !req
979. - Well, let's see.
What should we take next?Copy !req
980. Let's take that car.Copy !req
981. But that's a police car.Copy !req
982. - Beavis, you dumb-ass.
Didn't you hear?Copy !req
983. We don't have to worry about
getting stopped by the police.Copy !req
984. - Oh, yeah.Copy !req
985. Okay, Beavis, let's tear ass.Copy !req
986. That was cool.Copy !req
987. Don't move!Copy !req
988. - Uh, sir,
maybe you didn't know,Copy !req
989. but we have white privilege.Copy !req
990. - Get your hands
where I can see them.Copy !req
991. - I think the problem
is you're just uneducated.Copy !req
992. - Yeah, we're gonna
get jobs on Wall Street.Copy !req
993. You guys know where that is?Copy !req
994. Cut it out!
Our dads are powerful.Copy !req
995. They did not die of syphilis.Copy !req
996. Hey, Beavis was driving.Copy !req
997. We're in jail, Beavis.Copy !req
998. This kicks ass.Copy !req
999. - Yeah, that youth pastor
always saidCopy !req
1000. we'd be here someday.Copy !req
1001. We finally made it.Copy !req
1002. The system works, Beavis.Copy !req
1003. So, uh, sir?Copy !req
1004. How long do
we have to stay here?Copy !req
1005. Like an hour?Copy !req
1006. We're on our way to go score.Copy !req
1007. - Well, you got no one
to bail you out,Copy !req
1008. so you'll be here until
your arraignment in a month.Copy !req
1009. I'll come get you then.Copy !req
1010. - What— What? A month?
- That sucks.Copy !req
1011. No, no!Copy !req
1012. Nooo!Copy !req
1013. They ditched the phone.Copy !req
1014. They could be anywhere.Copy !req
1015. This is their work.Copy !req
1016. They're toying with us.Copy !req
1017. - It's the Feds.
They're on this too.Copy !req
1018. How much do they know
about the murders I committed?Copy !req
1019. - Oh—attempted.Copy !req
1020. In—in a video game.Copy !req
1021. Yeah, I—I wasn't there.Copy !req
1022. - Ugh this sucks.Copy !req
1023. Damn it.Copy !req
1024. Serena's gonna be
at our house,Copy !req
1025. and we're not gonna be there.Copy !req
1026. She's gonna think I don't care.Copy !req
1027. Heh heh heh. You care.Copy !req
1028. I do care.Copy !req
1029. Sometimes, I think about her,Copy !req
1030. and I don't even get a boner
but I feel good anyway.Copy !req
1031. - Damn it, Beavis, shut up.
You're embarrassing me.Copy !req
1032. If you don't get a boner
when you think about her,Copy !req
1033. then you don't
know what love is.Copy !req
1034. McCabe. Inspection now.Copy !req
1035. Shit.Copy !req
1036. Okay, listen up, kid.
You're gonna help me out.Copy !req
1037. I can't let
them find these on me.Copy !req
1038. So you're going to take 'em.Copy !req
1039. Whoa, heh.Copy !req
1040. You want me
to take all of those?Copy !req
1041. Yes moron, take them now.Copy !req
1042. Okay okay.Copy !req
1043. Tastes weird.
Kinda salty.Copy !req
1044. Hey, don't eat em!Copy !req
1045. - Hide 'em in your pants.
- Shut up!Copy !req
1046. McCabe!Copy !req
1047. Heh heh heh heh.Copy !req
1048. This is gonna be cool.Copy !req
1049. - Maybe you ought to check
on that kid.Copy !req
1050. You better shut up, McCabe.Copy !req
1051. - Which one of you guys
does tattoos?Copy !req
1052. - Hey, you better tell
your friend to chill, man.Copy !req
1053. - Yeah, he's not really
my friend.Copy !req
1054. He just, like, follows me
around all the time.Copy !req
1055. - I think I want to get
a tattoo of a buttCopy !req
1056. right here on my forehead.
Heh heh heh.Copy !req
1057. I am Cornholio!Copy !req
1058. I need TP for my bunghole!Copy !req
1059. Do not make my bunghole angry.Copy !req
1060. - I demand TP!
- Hmm?Copy !req
1061. Give me all your TP!Copy !req
1062. All your TP now!Copy !req
1063. Quit disrespecting me!Copy !req
1064. I will find your TP.Copy !req
1065. - I seek TP.Copy !req
1066. Do not disrespect my bunghole.Copy !req
1067. I am Cornholio!Copy !req
1068. I need TP for my bunghole.Copy !req
1069. Heh-heh-heh.Copy !req
1070. I demand TP, I demand TP!Copy !req
1071. More TP!Copy !req
1072. - Little dude's right,
we do need more TP.Copy !req
1073. - More TP, more TP!Copy !req
1074. I demand TP!Copy !req
1075. Yeah, we want more TP.Copy !req
1076. They never give us enough.Copy !req
1077. - You will not disrespect
my bunghole!Copy !req
1078. - Yeah, they're
disrespecting us.Copy !req
1079. They're disrespecting
our bungholes.Copy !req
1080. We demand TP!Copy !req
1081. - That little guy's right
about the toilet paper.Copy !req
1082. - No man can see
his own bunghole.Copy !req
1083. Hm-hm-hm-hm-heh.Copy !req
1084. - One butt cheek here,
and then one here.Copy !req
1085. Heh-heh.Copy !req
1086. - Look, are you sure
you don't wantCopy !req
1087. a pair of dice or something?Copy !req
1088. - Dice?
Heh-heh-heh.Copy !req
1089. This is gonna be on my head for
the rest of my life, dumb-ass.Copy !req
1090. TP! TP!Copy !req
1091. - You cannot imprison
the almighty bunghole!Copy !req
1092. And now, you must pay!Copy !req
1093. Hm-heh-heh.Copy !req
1094. What the hell?Copy !req
1095. I don't get it, sir.Copy !req
1096. It started out as a simple
request for toilet paper,Copy !req
1097. but now it's out of control.Copy !req
1098. - You have nothing to lose
but your bunghole!Copy !req
1099. Prepare the extraction team.Copy !req
1100. Who is this guy?Copy !req
1101. Antifa?Copy !req
1102. MS-13?Copy !req
1103. - We ran him and his
associate's fingerprints,Copy !req
1104. and it came back
that they died in 1998.Copy !req
1105. What the hell?Copy !req
1106. - No man is free while one
bunghole is in chains!Copy !req
1107. They died in '98?Copy !req
1108. We're dealing with something
here that's beyond explanation.Copy !req
1109. Have you ever seen a show
called "Touched by an Angel"?Copy !req
1110. No.Copy !req
1111. - They always come
with a message.Copy !req
1112. What could his be?Copy !req
1113. I am Cornholio!Copy !req
1114. I need TP for my bunghole!Copy !req
1115. TP! TP! TP!Copy !req
1116. - Stand by to
take down Cornholio.Copy !req
1117. - Have you seen my bunghole?
Heh-heh.Copy !req
1118. - When I open this door,
unleash hell.Copy !req
1119. Stand down.Copy !req
1120. This has turned
into something bigger.Copy !req
1121. Cornholio's their hero.Copy !req
1122. He did the most dangerous thing
you can do in this place.Copy !req
1123. He gave those men hope.Copy !req
1124. And there's a funny thing
about hope.Copy !req
1125. It's contagious.Copy !req
1126. And these days, well,Copy !req
1127. I think we need all the hope
we can get.Copy !req
1128. - I hope you can
see my bunghole.Copy !req
1129. - So what are we
supposed to do?Copy !req
1130. The only thing we can do.Copy !req
1131. Give those prisoners
all the toilet paper we got.Copy !req
1132. And then we're going
to put those two boysCopy !req
1133. on a bus back
to where they came from.Copy !req
1134. Destroy their records.Copy !req
1135. And as far as I'm concerned,
they were never here.Copy !req
1136. And with God's help,Copy !req
1137. we will learn
from Cornholio's message today,Copy !req
1138. and we will become better men.Copy !req
1139. - I have but one bunghole
to give.Copy !req
1140. Heh-heh-heh,
and I give it to you.Copy !req
1141. National security?Copy !req
1142. Well, that sounds important.Copy !req
1143. But those two boys
were never here.Copy !req
1144. Nope, no record of them
at this facility.Copy !req
1145. - No jail is going to hold
those two for long.Copy !req
1146. And apparently
they have the abilityCopy !req
1147. to wipe people's memories.Copy !req
1148. - And to that end, I'm here to
surprise pardon two criminalsCopy !req
1149. as part of my new
"Soft on Crime" initiative.Copy !req
1150. And I'll just take them backCopy !req
1151. to the Capitol with me
in my car.Copy !req
1152. - We heard about two
youngsters arrestedCopy !req
1153. over at TSU
for some minor offenses.Copy !req
1154. - No, no one fitting that
description was ever here.Copy !req
1155. Really?Copy !req
1156. Are—are you sure about that?Copy !req
1157. Absolutely.Copy !req
1158. So, who do you want
to surprise pardon?Copy !req
1159. Uh...Copy !req
1160. - Ma'am, we just want to say
thank you for pardoning us.Copy !req
1161. - We appreciate—
- Shut up.Copy !req
1162. Where the hell are
Beavis and Butt-Head?Copy !req
1163. Oh, those guys?Copy !req
1164. Oh, the warden put them on
a bus back to their hometown.Copy !req
1165. Highland Texas, I think it was.Copy !req
1166. Oh.Copy !req
1167. Highland Texas.Copy !req
1168. Finally a stroke of good luck.Copy !req
1169. - Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
1170. Thank you, Governor!Copy !req
1171. - You know, I guess the lesson
to learn from this is,Copy !req
1172. you probably should have
pardoned someone smaller,Copy !req
1173. - because—
- God damn it!Copy !req
1174. Heh heh heh.Copy !req
1175. We're almost there,
right, Butt-Head?Copy !req
1176. Heh heh heh.Copy !req
1177. We sure are, Beavis.Copy !req
1178. It's been a long journey.Copy !req
1179. Heh-heh.Copy !req
1180. - Um, Butt-Head?
- Uh, yeah?Copy !req
1181. - What do you think's gonna
happen when we score?Copy !req
1182. Heh-heh-heh.Copy !req
1183. - Beavis, everything
is gonna be different.Copy !req
1184. Heh-heh.Copy !req
1185. Just imagine it.Copy !req
1186. Heh-heh, heh-heh.Copy !req
1187. - Beavis.
- Huh?Copy !req
1188. You just scored with me.Copy !req
1189. I did?Copy !req
1190. - Yes, and now I'm
your girlfriend.Copy !req
1191. Yes!Copy !req
1192. Whoo!Copy !req
1193. - Check it out.Copy !req
1194. Heh-heh, yeah!Copy !req
1195. - Oh!
- Whoa!Copy !req
1196. - You're right, Beavis,
fire is cool.Copy !req
1197. - Ow!Copy !req
1198. - I'm gonna tear
your head off and—Copy !req
1199. No, you're not!Copy !req
1200. I'm his girlfriend.Copy !req
1201. - Hi-yah!
- Yes!Copy !req
1202. Yes, yes, yes!Copy !req
1203. - Yes!Copy !req
1204. Hah!Copy !req
1205. - Ah—Copy !req
1206. Beavis, from now on, it's
just gonna be you and me.Copy !req
1207. And Butt-Head.Copy !req
1208. - Heh-heh-heh, heh-heh-heh.Copy !req
1209. I'm a deer.Copy !req
1210. - Heh-heh-heh-heh.
- Heh.Copy !req
1211. Hm-hm-hm-heh.Copy !req
1212. - Hey Butt-Head, I heardCopy !req
1213. you put your thingy
in a girl's thingy.Copy !req
1214. - I sure did, heh-heh.Copy !req
1215. Did it hurt?Copy !req
1216. - Nope, heh-heh.Copy !req
1217. And I was never worried
that it would.Copy !req
1218. Heh-heh.Copy !req
1219. Wood.Copy !req
1220. - Oh, Butt-Head, would you
please score with us?Copy !req
1221. - And every other girl
you know?Copy !req
1222. Indeed.Copy !req
1223. Heh-heh-heh-heh.Copy !req
1224. Heh-heh-heh-heh.Copy !req
1225. Heh-heh-heh-heh, heh-heh-heh.Copy !req
1226. Highland, end of the line.Copy !req
1227. Beavis.Copy !req
1228. Beavis, wake up.
We made it.Copy !req
1229. - Yeah, yeah, heh.
- Heh-heh.Copy !req
1230. Yeah, we're gonna score, yeah.Copy !req
1231. - Heh-heh-heh-heh.
- This is gonna be cool.Copy !req
1232. - Heh-heh.
- Heh, hm-hm-hm-heh.Copy !req
1233. Uh, Serena?Copy !req
1234. - Heh-heh.
- Serena?Copy !req
1235. - Um, Butt-Head,
what are all these peopleCopy !req
1236. doing in our house?Copy !req
1237. - Uh, are we having
a party or something?Copy !req
1238. Better not be.Copy !req
1239. - We have to have sex in here.
- Heh-heh-heh.Copy !req
1240. - Welcome, Anita Ross,
Castle Realty.Copy !req
1241. Are you interested in the home?Copy !req
1242. Uh, this is our house.Copy !req
1243. - Oh, yeah,
I fell in love with it too.Copy !req
1244. Let me give you the tour.Copy !req
1245. - Uh, what did you do
to our house?Copy !req
1246. - Well, the current owner
bought the property to flip.Copy !req
1247. Complete renovation.Copy !req
1248. - Yeah, this sucks, hm-hm-heh.Copy !req
1249. - The house was empty
for a long time.Copy !req
1250. Because it belonged to the
mother of one of theseCopy !req
1251. two teenagers who died in this
accident on the space shuttle.Copy !req
1252. Shirley Beavis.Copy !req
1253. Yeah, yeah, yeah, heh.Copy !req
1254. Whoa, Butt-Head, look,
a garbage disposal.Copy !req
1255. - Yeah, heh, kick ass.
- Cool.Copy !req
1256. - Yeah, it's all brand-new.Copy !req
1257. Anyway, you won't believe
what happenedCopy !req
1258. to Shirley Beavis when
her son died in space.Copy !req
1259. She went totally—Copy !req
1260. And then, after she blewCopy !req
1261. through the settlement money,
she did somethingCopy !req
1262. - you wouldn't believe.
- Something bigger, yeah.Copy !req
1263. - She took—Copy !req
1264. Bittersweet thing she said is,Copy !req
1265. if she could just see her son
one more time,Copy !req
1266. "Son,"--Copy !req
1267. - Yeah, grind it, yeah!Copy !req
1268. That kicks ass.Copy !req
1269. - Heh-heh-heh-heh.
- Ow, heh-heh, yeah.Copy !req
1270. - Yeah, yeah, cool, heh-heh-heh.
- Heh-heh-heh.Copy !req
1271. So, um, so where's Serena?Copy !req
1272. - Who?
- Serena, yeah, heh.Copy !req
1273. - Siri for short.
- Siri?Copy !req
1274. - Is she
in the bedroom already?Copy !req
1275. - I mean if there's like,
a line,Copy !req
1276. that's cool and everything,
but, uh, we were ledCopy !req
1277. to believe we would
get first dibs.Copy !req
1278. - Shut up, Butt-Head, come on.Copy !req
1279. - There's no smart home system,
if that's what you mean.Copy !req
1280. There's no Siri here.Copy !req
1281. She's not here?Copy !req
1282. But—but she said—she said
she'd be here.Copy !req
1283. Hm-hm-hm-heh.Copy !req
1284. She's never lied to us before.Copy !req
1285. What happened, Butt-Head?Copy !req
1286. She promised
she was gonna be here.Copy !req
1287. And now she's not.Copy !req
1288. I thought we had something.Copy !req
1289. - Where is she?
- Damn it, Beavis,Copy !req
1290. how am I supposed to know?Copy !req
1291. Uh, where's the remote?Copy !req
1292. Heh-heh.Copy !req
1293. What are these things?Copy !req
1294. - Ahh!
- Ugh!Copy !req
1295. What the hell is that?Copy !req
1296. Yeah, where's the TV?Copy !req
1297. Uh, they're books.Copy !req
1298. - What?
- Heh-heh.Copy !req
1299. Books?Copy !req
1300. Books?Copy !req
1301. No, heh, no!Copy !req
1302. We were supposed to score!Copy !req
1303. It was gonna be the best thing
in the world.Copy !req
1304. And instead,
all we get is books!Copy !req
1305. The worst thing in the world.Copy !req
1306. I'm tired of this crap.Copy !req
1307. It's not fair.Copy !req
1308. - Damn it, Beavis,
this is all your fault.Copy !req
1309. I would have scored if you
hadn't scared her offCopy !req
1310. with all your wuss
feelings talk.Copy !req
1311. "Oh, Serena,
oh, I don't have a boner."Copy !req
1312. Bleugh!Copy !req
1313. - Shut up, Butt-Head.Copy !req
1314. I don't sound like that.Copy !req
1315. You're the one
who scared her off.Copy !req
1316. You're always
calling her a slut.Copy !req
1317. - That's because
she is a slut, Beavis.Copy !req
1318. She's an S-L,Copy !req
1319. uh, O or something slut.Copy !req
1320. She told us herself, remember?Copy !req
1321. 256 men, 49 women, a dog,Copy !req
1322. a chimpanzee with a wiener
the size of a—Copy !req
1323. - Ugh!Copy !req
1324. Beavis, you've just
crossed a line.Copy !req
1325. And I think we both know
what needs to happen now.Copy !req
1326. Ah! Butthole!Copy !req
1327. - Heh-heh.Copy !req
1328. - Butt-Head, I'm gonna kill you,Copy !req
1329. you son of a bitch!Copy !req
1330. - Oh, my.Copy !req
1331. I know this can be an
emotional decisionCopy !req
1332. - for a couple, but...
- Beavis, you son of a whore.Copy !req
1333. - Yeah, all right, here we go,
here we go, let's just—Copy !req
1334. yeah, let's just move this
party outside.Copy !req
1335. - Get your hands
off me, bunghole!Copy !req
1336. - Okay, just go, go, go, go,
go, good, good, good, good.Copy !req
1337. My email's on the flyer.Copy !req
1338. - Damn it, Butt-Head.Copy !req
1339. I finally found someone,
and you're jealous!Copy !req
1340. - "I have feelings, Serena,
wuh-heh-heh, let's hold hands.Copy !req
1341. - "Wuh-heh-heh."
- Shut up, Butt-Head!Copy !req
1342. You're the one
who drove her away.Copy !req
1343. She said she doesn't
understand you,Copy !req
1344. and we talked about spider webs
and you ruined everything.Copy !req
1345. - Damn it, Beavis,
Serena never liked you,Copy !req
1346. she was just talking
to you to get to me.Copy !req
1347. I'm tired
of you weighing me down.Copy !req
1348. I'm gonna get out of here,
and don't follow me.Copy !req
1349. Heh-heh-heh.Copy !req
1350. Well, don't follow me.Copy !req
1351. Butthole! Hehe.Copy !req
1352. - Heh-heh-heh, heh-heh-heh.Copy !req
1353. Hey, Beavis, check—Copy !req
1354. Uh, oh.Copy !req
1355. dramatic chord]Copy !req
1356. Let go of me, butthole.Copy !req
1357. Hey, hey, what are you—ah,Copy !req
1358. hey, what are you doing?Copy !req
1359. - Hm-hm-hm-heh.Copy !req
1360. - Are you here because you
hate the United States?Copy !req
1361. Um, heh, the United States?Copy !req
1362. Is that, like, part of America
or something?Copy !req
1363. - It's hard to believe
this speciesCopy !req
1364. mastered interstellar travel.Copy !req
1365. - Perhaps the two beings
share one brain.Copy !req
1366. Apart, they're barely able
to feed themselves.Copy !req
1367. But together, their intelligenceCopy !req
1368. is beyond what we can
even conceive.Copy !req
1369. - Hm-heh.Copy !req
1370. - We've located the
second creature.Copy !req
1371. - If we keep them apart,
it'll neutralize the threat.Copy !req
1372. - But if we don't bring
them together,Copy !req
1373. we'll never know their plans
for world conquest.Copy !req
1374. Or the location of their
internal sexual organs.Copy !req
1375. - Heh-heh-heh.Copy !req
1376. Pipe.Copy !req
1377. Stop playing dumb.Copy !req
1378. Are you here to destroy me?Copy !req
1379. - Uh, if that's
how you want it, baby.Copy !req
1380. Heh-heh.Copy !req
1381. But I can also be very gentle.Copy !req
1382. - Okay, we're not
getting anywhere.Copy !req
1383. - Uh, I don't mind
the handcuffs, but like,Copy !req
1384. is this dumb-ass gonna be in the
room while we're getting it on?Copy !req
1385. - Who is this?Copy !req
1386. - Hello, Governor.
It appears we each haveCopy !req
1387. something the other wants.Copy !req
1388. Governor Ryan, the secret
Defense CommandCopy !req
1389. demands you turn over
your prisoner immediatelyCopy !req
1390. for reasons of
national security.Copy !req
1391. - You're sitting
too close to me, Beavis.Copy !req
1392. - You're sitting
too close to me.Copy !req
1393. Butthole, hm-hm-heh.Copy !req
1394. - As long as you're in the
state of Texas, Special Agent,Copy !req
1395. both those boys belong to me.Copy !req
1396. - And to a lesser extent me,
because I'm the lieutenant—Copy !req
1397. There's no ice in this.Copy !req
1398. - Could your assistant get me
some ice as well?Copy !req
1399. - Oh, I'm not actually her
assistant, I'm the lieutenant—Copy !req
1400. Hartson, just get us some ice.Copy !req
1401. Heh, bunghole.Copy !req
1402. - You're the bunghole,
buttwagon.Copy !req
1403. - The federal government
has jurisdiction.Copy !req
1404. He said dick.Copy !req
1405. - Heh-heh, heh-heh-heh.
- Heh, hm-hm-heh.Copy !req
1406. It's not that funny,
hm-hm-hm-heh.Copy !req
1407. - Federal law dictates
that you turn them over.Copy !req
1408. - Whoa, he definitely
said dick that time.Copy !req
1409. - Heh-heh-heh-heh.
- Heh-heh-hm-heh, yeah, heh.Copy !req
1410. Yeah, so what?
It's not that funny, Butt-Head.Copy !req
1411. So one word sounds
like another word,Copy !req
1412. big deal, who cares?Copy !req
1413. - So you can ruin me and have
me replaced as governorCopy !req
1414. with one of your
deep state assets?Copy !req
1415. She said ate ass.Copy !req
1416. - Heh-heh-heh.
- Whoa, ate ass.Copy !req
1417. She said ate ass!Copy !req
1418. - Jesus, what is wrong
with you?Copy !req
1419. I did not say ate ass.Copy !req
1420. - She said it again, hm-heh.
- Heh-heh-heh-heh.Copy !req
1421. Ate ass.Copy !req
1422. - They're just sitting around
saying ate ass.Copy !req
1423. - Ate ass.
- Ate ass.Copy !req
1424. - They are really annoying.
- Ate ass, sir.Copy !req
1425. - Is there another room
we could put them in?Copy !req
1426. Ate ass!Copy !req
1427. - Heh-heh-heh, heh-heh.
- Heh-heh-heh, ate ass.Copy !req
1428. - Hm-hm-heh-heh-heh.
- Ate ass, heh-heh.Copy !req
1429. - And then she said
she didn't say ate ass,Copy !req
1430. which made her say it again.Copy !req
1431. And then we said it, remember?Copy !req
1432. - Hm-hm-hm-heh-heh.
- Yeah, that was cool.Copy !req
1433. - Oh, boy.
- Heh-heh-heh.Copy !req
1434. - Quick,
I don't have much time.Copy !req
1435. I know what Serena did to you
on the Endeavor.Copy !req
1436. Uh, she hasn't done it yet.Copy !req
1437. - It's gonna be any minute
though, yeah.Copy !req
1438. - I can help you
bring her down.Copy !req
1439. - Uh, so like,
you'd be in the room?Copy !req
1440. - I'll be right behind you
all the way.Copy !req
1441. - Heh.
- Ugh.Copy !req
1442. - Really?
- I don't know, Butt-Head,Copy !req
1443. I guess it's worth it, I mean,Copy !req
1444. I wouldn't say no to anything
at this point.Copy !req
1445. Here's the plan.Copy !req
1446. I left the keys in that
green car right down there.Copy !req
1447. - Mm-hmm.
- Okay.Copy !req
1448. Take the highway northboundCopy !req
1449. to the Pecos county rest stop.Copy !req
1450. - Mm-hmm, sounds good.Copy !req
1451. - There's a reporter from
the morning newsCopy !req
1452. waiting to hear your story.Copy !req
1453. - Okay.
- All right, uh-huh.Copy !req
1454. - Did you get all that?
- Yes, sir, heh-heh.Copy !req
1455. Yep, we're gonna score.Copy !req
1456. - Heh-heh-heh.
- Damn right.Copy !req
1457. - I have to go back in there
before they get suspicious,Copy !req
1458. but you've got to
get out of here, now.Copy !req
1459. The people in there
want you dead.Copy !req
1460. What she tried
to do to you in '98Copy !req
1461. she's done to me every day
for 24 years.Copy !req
1462. - Christ, heh-heh-heh.
- Whoa, heh-heh.Copy !req
1463. - There's no need
to brag about it.Copy !req
1464. - I'm going to make sure
she can't do it to youCopy !req
1465. or anyone else ever again.Copy !req
1466. Uh, wait a minute,Copy !req
1467. I think I see
what's going on here.Copy !req
1468. He doesn't want us to score.Copy !req
1469. That's why he took
the handcuffs off.Copy !req
1470. Yeah, yeah, because he knowsCopy !req
1471. Serena has a thing
for handcuffs.Copy !req
1472. - Yeah, hm-hm-heh.
- Exactly.Copy !req
1473. And that's why he gave us a car,Copy !req
1474. and directions
to someplace far awayCopy !req
1475. where Serena will never find us.Copy !req
1476. That dirty butthole.Copy !req
1477. Damn it! Heh.Copy !req
1478. What's wrong with that guy?Copy !req
1479. He's scored every day
for—for 24 years.Copy !req
1480. That's like, um, 50 times.Copy !req
1481. - We got to get back
in thereCopy !req
1482. and get those handcuffs
back on, Beavis.Copy !req
1483. We just outsmarted
that son of a bitch.Copy !req
1484. Damn it, it's locked.Copy !req
1485. - Quick, Butt-Head, the window.Copy !req
1486. - Ah!
- Ugh.Copy !req
1487. - Heh-heh.
- That was close, hm-hm-heh.Copy !req
1488. I can't wait to see
the look on his faceCopy !req
1489. when he sees that car
and we're not in it.Copy !req
1490. - Heh-heh-heh.
- Heh-heh-heh.Copy !req
1491. What did I miss?Copy !req
1492. This is so funny.Copy !req
1493. We were arguing
whether they're aliensCopy !req
1494. or the boys
from the Space Shuttle.Copy !req
1495. But then we realized,
it doesn't matter.Copy !req
1496. We both want the same thing.Copy !req
1497. - We want to kill them,
and they want to dissect them.Copy !req
1498. We're all on the same team.Copy !req
1499. Well, let's go kill them.Copy !req
1500. - And dissect them,
right, Phil?Copy !req
1501. You got me.Copy !req
1502. What the hell?Copy !req
1503. Uh, just hold on a second.Copy !req
1504. What is it, Hartson?Copy !req
1505. - All this talk
about dissectingCopy !req
1506. is making me curious.Copy !req
1507. No, you know what, forget it,
it's probably wayCopy !req
1508. too complicated for someone
like me to understand.Copy !req
1509. Hmm.Copy !req
1510. Oh, no, no, no, on the contrary,Copy !req
1511. this will just take a minute.Copy !req
1512. I've got some pictures
on my phone.Copy !req
1513. First, you need
to locate the anus.Copy !req
1514. - Okay, there,
we got 'em closed.Copy !req
1515. Now let's put our hands in.Copy !req
1516. - It won't fit, Butt-Head.Copy !req
1517. How'd we ever get our hands
in here in the first place?Copy !req
1518. - Uh, let's open them up
and start over again.Copy !req
1519. We need a key, heh-heh.Copy !req
1520. - I think that guy said the
keys are in the green car.Copy !req
1521. - Heh-heh-heh-heh.
- Uh, oh, yeah.Copy !req
1522. Heh-heh, good thinking, Beavis.Copy !req
1523. - Heh-heh-heh.
- Yeah, heh-heh, thanks.Copy !req
1524. - I know you're thinking,
"I need an expensive scalpel,"Copy !req
1525. but save your money
for the embalming fluid.Copy !req
1526. There's a guy in Ecuador
who can set you up—Copy !req
1527. - You know what,
we don't have time for this.Copy !req
1528. Let's go kill those boys, huh?Copy !req
1529. - Heh-heh.Copy !req
1530. - Damn it.
- I think you just, um...Copy !req
1531. - This key sucks.
- Yeah, I don't know.Copy !req
1532. They're gone.Copy !req
1533. What?Copy !req
1534. I can't believe it!Copy !req
1535. Where could they have gone?Copy !req
1536. I think I have an idea.Copy !req
1537. - Directions to 322 Woodson
Street, Highland, Texas.Copy !req
1538. - Heh-heh-heh.Copy !req
1539. Wood.Copy !req
1540. Heh-heh-heh-heh.Copy !req
1541. Let's go.Copy !req
1542. - Damn it.
- Hartson, get in the van.Copy !req
1543. It doesn't fit.Copy !req
1544. Hey, Serena's in there.Copy !req
1545. - And that butthole.Copy !req
1546. - He's gonna go
score with her.Copy !req
1547. - Why is it always
a guy with a van?Copy !req
1548. - We got to save her before
Hartson bones her again.Copy !req
1549. - Heh-heh.
- Yeah, he's out of control.Copy !req
1550. And, um, I just want to say, um,Copy !req
1551. you can score first
if you want to, Butt-Head.Copy !req
1552. Hm-hm-heh.Copy !req
1553. Beavis, I'm not gonna score.Copy !req
1554. And you're not gonna score.Copy !req
1555. We're gonna score.Copy !req
1556. Yeah, heh, yeah, yeah!Copy !req
1557. - Now let's go score
before I change my mind.Copy !req
1558. - Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.
- Yeah!Copy !req
1559. - All we need now
is a car.Copy !req
1560. - Hmm.
- Um, Butt-Head, we're in a car.Copy !req
1561. - Yeah, hm-hm-hm-heh.
- Oh, yeah, heh-heh.Copy !req
1562. You really brought
your A-game today, Beavis.Copy !req
1563. - Heh-heh-heh.
- Heh, yeah, thanks.Copy !req
1564. Hm-hm-heh.Copy !req
1565. - Remember, Butt-Head, it's
gonna go backwards like before.Copy !req
1566. Yeah, hm-hm-hm-hm-heh.Copy !req
1567. Uh, oh, yeah.Copy !req
1568. Heh-heh, you're on a roll,
Beavis.Copy !req
1569. Heh-heh.Copy !req
1570. Just gonna back this baby out
and go score.Copy !req
1571. Heh, kick ass, yeah!Copy !req
1572. - Heh-heh-heh.
- Heh-heh-heh.Copy !req
1573. This is cool.Copy !req
1574. - Yeah, yeah, heh-heh, yeah.Copy !req
1575. - Whoa!
- Heh-heh.Copy !req
1576. Wait, I see her!Copy !req
1577. - I see her, Butt-Head, speed up!
- Okay, Beavis.Copy !req
1578. - Heh-heh-heh.Copy !req
1579. - Hang on,
we're being followed.Copy !req
1580. - What the hell?Copy !req
1581. There she is!Copy !req
1582. Faster, Butt-Head,
come on, faster!Copy !req
1583. Who could it be?Copy !req
1584. - Probably just someone
who just happensCopy !req
1585. to be going our way.Copy !req
1586. To the store, perhaps.Copy !req
1587. - It's the Venezuelans
or Al-Qaeda.Copy !req
1588. Or the Venusians.Copy !req
1589. Or Arcturus Six.Copy !req
1590. - Or probably just someone
going to the store.Copy !req
1591. You know how
you run out of milk?Copy !req
1592. - I think it's time
to put this babyCopy !req
1593. into high gear, Beavis.Copy !req
1594. - Yeah, yeah, heh, yeah
let's do it, yeah.Copy !req
1595. What does R stand for?Copy !req
1596. - Hm-hm-heh.
- Uh, really fast?Copy !req
1597. - Yeah, yeah,
let's go really fast.Copy !req
1598. - Ow, heh, ow!
- Ugh!Copy !req
1599. - Ugh.Copy !req
1600. - You have a bag in your face.Copy !req
1601. - Heh-heh-heh.
- Oh, yeah, heh-heh.Copy !req
1602. - Bag, heh-heh-heh.
- Heh-heh-heh-heh.Copy !req
1603. - Come on, Butt-Head!Copy !req
1604. Come on, drive!Copy !req
1605. We have to save Serena, come on.Copy !req
1606. - Uh, I think there's
something wrong with this car.Copy !req
1607. Heh-heh-heh.Copy !req
1608. - The car is going
backwards, Butt-Head.Copy !req
1609. - Heh.
- Uh, oh.Copy !req
1610. Heh-heh, cool.Copy !req
1611. - Whew, well,
I think we lost them.Copy !req
1612. Nothing to worry about, I guess.Copy !req
1613. - They're back, and they're
driving backwards.Copy !req
1614. What the hell is happening?Copy !req
1615. Who are these guys?Copy !req
1616. - The East Germans train their
assassination teamsCopy !req
1617. to drive backwards
to give their snipersCopy !req
1618. a better field of vision.Copy !req
1619. - We almost got 'em,
Butt-Head, hurry.Copy !req
1620. Heh-heh-hm-hm-heh.Copy !req
1621. - Beavis and Butt-Head.Copy !req
1622. Listen carefully.Copy !req
1623. You only have three minutes
to go through the portal.Copy !req
1624. Our universes
hang in the balance.Copy !req
1625. Uh, how did you get here?Copy !req
1626. - Our universe has technology
that you can only dream of.Copy !req
1627. Can you watch porn on it?Copy !req
1628. Yes, an infinite amount.Copy !req
1629. - Every scenario
you can ever imagine.Copy !req
1630. But none of it will existCopy !req
1631. if you do not go
through the portal.Copy !req
1632. - Why did you not go
through the portal before?Copy !req
1633. It was right there behind
the Classics department.Copy !req
1634. - You could have saved the
universe and maybe learnedCopy !req
1635. how Latin is the basis
of English grammar.Copy !req
1636. - But no matter.
At great personal expense,Copy !req
1637. we have moved the portal again.Copy !req
1638. It is now in your old home,Copy !req
1639. in the poorly renovated
half bathroom.Copy !req
1640. - Enter now so the portal
might seal itself,Copy !req
1641. and you will return
to a universeCopy !req
1642. where you never went through
the black holeCopy !req
1643. but instead lived your lives
these past 24 years.Copy !req
1644. - Heh-heh-heh-heh.
- Hm-hm-heh-heh.Copy !req
1645. - Heh-heh-heh-heh.Copy !req
1646. Um, heh, who are those guys?Copy !req
1647. Uh, I don't know.Copy !req
1648. They seem pretty cool, though.Copy !req
1649. - Yeah, yeah, yeah,
not too bad, really.Copy !req
1650. This show sucks.Copy !req
1651. Yeah, yeah, it's horrible.Copy !req
1652. Change the channel, Butt-Head,
come on, right now.Copy !req
1653. Don't tell me what to do.Copy !req
1654. - Yeah, yeah, hit 'em,
hit 'em again.Copy !req
1655. Come on, turn that show back on.Copy !req
1656. There is no time.Copy !req
1657. Now fly to the portal, fly.Copy !req
1658. - There's a stop sign,
Butt-Head.Copy !req
1659. - Fly, my friends—Copy !req
1660. Heh, ow.Copy !req
1661. Ah!Copy !req
1662. That was painful.Copy !req
1663. - We must hasten to the—Copy !req
1664. Looks like we lost them.Copy !req
1665. Woodson Street
is right up ahead.Copy !req
1666. - There they are, Butt-Head.Copy !req
1667. Sweet Christ.Copy !req
1668. - There's only five people
in the worldCopy !req
1669. who could drive like that.Copy !req
1670. Yeah, again, probably justCopy !req
1671. someone going out shopping,
and theirCopy !req
1672. transmission got
stuck in reverse.Copy !req
1673. Happens to me.
Never happened to you?Copy !req
1674. - I'm not going down
without a fight.Copy !req
1675. - Or instead,
you could pull overCopy !req
1676. and let me out and—Copy !req
1677. Ahh!Copy !req
1678. - Cool.
Someone put a little mirror hereCopy !req
1679. where you can, like,
see behind—Copy !req
1680. Heh-heh.Copy !req
1681. I don't see it, where?Copy !req
1682. - Ah!
- Ugh!Copy !req
1683. - Hey Butt-Head, they stopped.Copy !req
1684. - We got 'em
right where we want 'em.Copy !req
1685. - Ah, ah!
- Ugh!Copy !req
1686. Get out of the car.Copy !req
1687. - Of course.
- What the hell?Copy !req
1688. That's right, baby.Copy !req
1689. Our little dance of seduction
is now complete.Copy !req
1690. - Heh-heh-heh.
- Hm, yeah, heh, oh, yeah.Copy !req
1691. Hold your fire.Copy !req
1692. 24 years ago,
you nearly destroyed me.Copy !req
1693. And now you've traveled
through time and spaceCopy !req
1694. to try to destroy me again.Copy !req
1695. I want to be the one to do this.Copy !req
1696. - Yes!
Heh-heh.Copy !req
1697. - Yes, it's really
going to happen!Copy !req
1698. - Wait, bu—why are you happy?Copy !req
1699. Uh, because, milady,Copy !req
1700. we are about to score with thee.Copy !req
1701. Together.Copy !req
1702. - Heh-heh, heh-heh.
- Hm, yeah, heh-heh.Copy !req
1703. Hang on.Copy !req
1704. Do you think I'm going
to have sex with you?Copy !req
1705. Uh, yeah.Copy !req
1706. - Heh-heh.
- So, um, should we do it hereCopy !req
1707. or in the kitchen,
'cause I think that guyCopy !req
1708. wants to watch or something?Copy !req
1709. - Heh-heh.
- Hm, yeah, heh.Copy !req
1710. - Yeah, you said
you'd have sex with usCopy !req
1711. back at Space Camp.
Remember?Copy !req
1712. What did I say at Space Camp?Copy !req
1713. - How would you guys
like to do that,Copy !req
1714. but do it for real, with me?Copy !req
1715. - Whoa.
- Yes!Copy !req
1716. That wasn't so hard, was it?Copy !req
1717. - Well, actually,
it was pretty hardCopy !req
1718. until the last five minutes
or so,Copy !req
1719. but then I got barf on it.Copy !req
1720. And then, you know, just, heh,
see you later.Copy !req
1721. - To me, the most exciting
part is re-entry.Copy !req
1722. - Heh-heh-heh.
- Hm-heh-heh.Copy !req
1723. Yeah, we get to do it twice!Copy !req
1724. Do it...Copy !req
1725. so hard...Copy !req
1726. re-entry...Copy !req
1727. Oh, my God.
You were never out to get me.Copy !req
1728. You just wanted to have sex
with me.Copy !req
1729. - Yeah, baby, heh-heh.Copy !req
1730. - Guilty as charged, heh,
you know what I'm saying?Copy !req
1731. Hm-hm-hm-hm-heh.Copy !req
1732. These boys aren't my enemies,Copy !req
1733. and they're not aliens out
to destroy our way of life.Copy !req
1734. They're just two very, very
stupid and horny teenagers.Copy !req
1735. Uh, huh?Copy !req
1736. - Heh-heh.
- Yeah, come on, heh-heh.Copy !req
1737. - Boi-yoi-yoi-ing!Copy !req
1738. - I can't believe I've been
hanging on to thisCopy !req
1739. for 24 years.Copy !req
1740. - Yeah, I've been
hanging on to it too.Copy !req
1741. Hm-hm-heh.Copy !req
1742. - And now, I know you mean
you've been masturbating.Copy !req
1743. It's all so simple.Copy !req
1744. Well, I'll be.Copy !req
1745. Masturbating.Copy !req
1746. Let's all go home.Copy !req
1747. - Oh, no, I'm not gonna
let everyoneCopy !req
1748. just walk away from this.Copy !req
1749. I know everything you've done,
every law you've broken.Copy !req
1750. That's right, from now on,
it's gonna be my turn because—Copy !req
1751. - What?
- What the hell?Copy !req
1752. - Beavis and Butt-Head,
hear us.Copy !req
1753. - You need to open the door
first, Smart Butt-Head.Copy !req
1754. Yes, yes, the door, yes.Copy !req
1755. - Well observed, Smart Beavis,
well observed, yes.Copy !req
1756. Beavis and Butt-Head, hear us.Copy !req
1757. You have mere seconds
to enter the portal.Copy !req
1758. - Only by the two of you
entering this portalCopy !req
1759. can our universes be saved.Copy !req
1760. - Otherwise, the entire cosmos
shall perish forever.Copy !req
1761. Make haste.Copy !req
1762. Uh, okay, haste.Copy !req
1763. - No, they are witnesses and
they are not going anywhere!Copy !req
1764. And I don't know
who you two freaks areCopy !req
1765. or how you're mixed up in this,
but I'm gonna find out.Copy !req
1766. I am done being a laughingstock.Copy !req
1767. I've already called the Federal
whistleblower hotlineCopy !req
1768. and as soon as I get off hold—Copy !req
1769. Hello, can I help you?Copy !req
1770. - You sure can,
I am callingCopy !req
1771. from Highland, Texas, and I—Copy !req
1772. Hello?Copy !req
1773. Hello?Copy !req
1774. Asshole.Copy !req
1775. - Hmm.
Well, I will be damned.Copy !req
1776. That appears to have worked.Copy !req
1777. - We thought it needed
to be the two of youCopy !req
1778. to go through the portal.Copy !req
1779. But I guess anything
would have worked.Copy !req
1780. We could have
thrown a brick in there.Copy !req
1781. - It's safe to say,
we were making itCopy !req
1782. more complicated
than it needed to be.Copy !req
1783. - While we are the smartest
Beavis and Butt-HeadCopy !req
1784. in all the cosmos,Copy !req
1785. in absolute terms,
we're still not so bright.Copy !req
1786. Okay, boys.Copy !req
1787. No one can know what
happened here tonight.Copy !req
1788. So what will it take
to keep you quiet?Copy !req
1789. Uh, we want to score.Copy !req
1790. Heh-heh.Copy !req
1791. Oh, God.Copy !req
1792. I mean, I suppose it's not
the most disgusting thingCopy !req
1793. I've done for my career.Copy !req
1794. So would it have to be
both of you?Copy !req
1795. That's right, Serena.Copy !req
1796. - We're a team.
- Yep.Copy !req
1797. - Heh-heh-heh.
- Hm-hm-hm-heh.Copy !req
1798. Oh, God, this is, oof, rough.Copy !req
1799. I'm gonna need a minute
to think about this.Copy !req
1800. - Um, heh, Serena,
whatever you decide,Copy !req
1801. you know, like, either way,Copy !req
1802. there's something
I need to tell you.Copy !req
1803. Um, heh.Copy !req
1804. Something I tried to say before,Copy !req
1805. but I didn't have the courage.Copy !req
1806. Go ahead, Beavis.Copy !req
1807. - Now Serena, I've been
on a long journeyCopy !req
1808. and I've been to outer spaceCopy !req
1809. and I've been in a toilet.Copy !req
1810. And I think I've been
to some other placesCopy !req
1811. that, um, heh, I don't remember.Copy !req
1812. - But um—
- You went to college.Copy !req
1813. - Oh, yeah, yeah, heh,
I went to college—Copy !req
1814. And you went to jail.Copy !req
1815. No, I don't remember that.Copy !req
1816. Anyway, along the way,
I learned some things and stuff.Copy !req
1817. Or something, and, um, heh.Copy !req
1818. And so now, I finally am readyCopy !req
1819. to say to you what I've been
wanting to say,Copy !req
1820. which is that—Copy !req
1821. that I—I, um, heh, I lo—Copy !req
1822. I—I—Copy !req
1823. I—I lo—Copy !req
1824. Come on, kid, you can do it.Copy !req
1825. - I—Copy !req
1826. I love you, Serena.Copy !req
1827. For years,
I have watched you from afarCopy !req
1828. through the portal,
entranced by your beauty,Copy !req
1829. your elegance, your grace,Copy !req
1830. your intelligence,
your knowledge of science.Copy !req
1831. Wait a second.Copy !req
1832. - And I have a better
offer for you.Copy !req
1833. Come with me to my universe,Copy !req
1834. and I will show you the
mysteries of the cosmosCopy !req
1835. as we travel across
the galaxies,Copy !req
1836. beyond anything
NASA will ever achieve...Copy !req
1837. fulfilling all the dreams
you ever hadCopy !req
1838. since you were a little girl
staring up at the stars.Copy !req
1839. Wow, that is, surprisingly,Copy !req
1840. everything I've ever dreamed of.Copy !req
1841. - Um, I have an offer too,
um, heh.Copy !req
1842. I found a coupon in the car
for Taco Bell.Copy !req
1843. I was thinking maybe we could,
um,Copy !req
1844. we could go have a taco—Copy !req
1845. - Also I was thinking
we might score.Copy !req
1846. You know what?Copy !req
1847. So was I.Copy !req
1848. - Yeah, sometimes the
Taco Bell has a Pizza Hut.Copy !req
1849. You know, if you don't like
tacos, heh, or nachos.Copy !req
1850. - I have a gigantic schlong.
I hope that's okay.Copy !req
1851. Oh, boy, yeah, I knew it.Copy !req
1852. Here we go again.Copy !req
1853. Hm-hm-hm-hm-heh.Copy !req
1854. Beavis, you're a dumb-ass.Copy !req
1855. - Heh-heh-heh.
- Hm-hm-hm-heh.Copy !req
1856. - Heh-heh-heh, heh-heh-heh.
- Heh, hm-hm-hm-heh.Copy !req
1857. And there you have it.Copy !req
1858. The greatest story ever told.Copy !req
1859. - Heh-heh-heh.
- Pretty cool, yeah, heh-heh.Copy !req
1860. - We promised those government
buttholes that we wouldn'tCopy !req
1861. tell anyone what happened,
and they gave usCopy !req
1862. a brand-new TV
and put our house backCopy !req
1863. exactly the way it was.Copy !req
1864. - And it wasn't me,
but somewhere out there,Copy !req
1865. there's a Beavis who scored.Copy !req
1866. Hm, yeah, heh-heh-heh.Copy !req
1867. - Heh-heh-heh, heh-heh-heh.
- Heh, hm-hm, heh.Copy !req
1868. - Heh-heh-heh-heh.
- Hm, heh-heh, heh-heh.Copy !req
1869. - Smart Beavis
and Smart Butt-Head,Copy !req
1870. we honor you.Copy !req
1871. - For you, Smart Beavis, are
the first among us to score.Copy !req
1872. - And you, Smart Butt-Head,
were able to watchCopy !req
1873. by hiding in a suitcase
at the foot of the bed.Copy !req
1874. Serena left immediatelyCopy !req
1875. and is not returning
phone calls or texts.Copy !req
1876. But no matter.Copy !req
1877. Tonight, we celebrate!Copy !req
1878. Chirp.Copy !req