Beavis and Butt-Head Do America (1996)

1. This is cool.

2. Cut it out, butt-head.

3. Whoa.

4. Hey, baby.

5. I'm, like, pretty tall.

6. Damn it. Cut it out, I'm trying to score.

7. You bungholes.

8. Hey, baby, how's it going?

9. - Hey, hey, hey. - No way, Beavis. I saw her first.

10. Damn it! I'm gonna kick your ass.

11. I saw her first. Get out of here.

12. Butt-Head. Hey, Butt-Head.

13. Oh, no. Butt-Head, Butt-Head, wake up.

14. Butt-Head.

15. Damn it, Beavis.

16. I was about to score.

17. Yeah, but check it out.

18. It's gone.

19. - What? - The TV.

20. Oh, yeah.

21. Well, where is it?

22. I don't know. I just woke up and it was gone.

23. And look, the window's broken, too.

24. - We'll get 100 bucks for this baby. - Oops.

25. No.

26. Oh, no.

27. No.

28. No.

29. Whoa. I think I just figured something out, Beavis.

30. What?

31. This sucks.

32. Yeah. It really sucks.

33. This sucks more than anything that has ever sucked before.

34. We must find this butt-hole that took our TV.

35. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah!

36. A couple of mean guys

37. With a fire in their eyes

38. Known by the names of

39. Beavis and Butt-Head

40. Yeah

41. They'll chew you up and spit you out

42. Beyond a doubt

43. It pays not to mess with

44. Beavis and Butt-Head

45. You got it

46. If you cross Beavis and Butt-Head

47. They will throw down and blow your ass away

48. Know what I'm saying?

49. Beavis and Butt-Head

50. Beavis and Butt-Head

51. Oh, yes

52. It's not in here.

53. What are we gonna do, Butt-Head? What if we never find it?

54. Settle down, Beavis.

55. Hey, wait a minute. Where are we going?

56. I don't want to go to school. We gotta find our TV.

57. Shut up, Beavis. I got an idea.

58. Let's just wheel this thing back to the house.

59. Yeah.

60. Hey, excuse me, boys. What's going on here?

61. - Someone stole our TV. - Yeah. We're just gonna use this one.

62. Get out of the way.

63. I'm afraid that TV belongs to the school, okay?

64. You know, this could be a really positive experience for you guys.

65. There's a wonderful and exciting world out there

66. when we discover that we don't need TV to entertain us.

67. He said, "Anus."

68. Entertain us, anus. Oh, yeah.

69. Have you guys heard a word I've said?

70. - Yeah. Anus. - Yeah, yeah.

71. Yeah, I heard it, too.

72. Look, guys, just take the TV back to the AV room right now.

73. And try to be a little more open to life experiences, okay?

74. - What a dork. - Yeah, yeah.

75. Get it over here.

76. Wait a minute, no. No!

77. - That was cool. - No, it wasn't!

78. Oh, yeah.

79. What's going on out here?

80. Oh, no!

81. - That belongs to the school. - Oh, no.

82. Yeah. It's supposed to be in the AV room.

83. - Wasn't our fault. - Get back here.

84. Beavis and Butt-Head, you're both expelled!

85. Cool.

86. Whoa, check it out, Beavis.

87. I didn't know Anderson had a camper.

88. Yeah. Maybe it'll have a TV.

89. Oh, hello.

90. Are you boys here to look at the refrigerator?

91. No.

92. We're here to look at the TV.

93. Oh, Tom didn't tell me it was broken. Go on in.

94. - Cool. - Yeah.

95. Well, that ought to hold her.

96. You know, the most important thing you can have on a camper

97. is a good butane regulator.

98. And this here's the best one they make.

99. I sure hope we can get that fridge fixed.

100. Now, Marcie, we've been planning

101. and saving up for this trip our whole lives,

102. and we're gonna go come hell or high water.

103. What in the hell is that?

104. Must be them damn buzzard hawks.

105. Let's get something to drink.

106. This crap is warm.

107. Beavis, you butt-hole. You broke it.

108. No, no! Damn it!

109. Hey, what the hell's going on here?

110. They're here to fix the TV, Tom.

111. What? The TV ain't broken.

112. - Yeah, it is. - Yeah.

113. Hey, wait a minute. You two look kind of familiar.

114. Ain't you them kids that have been whacking off in my tool shed?

115. We still don't have a TV, Butt-Head.

116. I know, Beavis.

117. Damn it, I can't sleep without a TV.

118. Dumb-ass.

119. No.

120. Help. Help me.

121. No, no.

122. What's your problem, Beavis?

123. I need TV. I need TV now.

124. Damn it.

125. Whoa. TV.

126. Yeah, yeah, TV.

127. TV. Yeah.

128. Damn it.

129. No.

130. Damn it.

131. No.

132. Are you sure these guys can pull this off, Earl?

133. It's got to look like an accident.

134. Oh, yeah.

135. Beavis and Butt-Head! You little bastards!

136. - Can we watch your TV? - No! You're expelled.

137. Now, get out of here!

138. Wait a minute. Damn it, I need a TV now.

139. We're missing everything.

140. Yeah, hold on a minute. That must be them now.

141. Yeah, I'll call you back.

142. Come in.

143. TV. Yeah.

144. You're late.

145. Really? Did we miss Baywatch?

146. Man, Earl said you guys were young, but, jeez.

147. Oh, well, as long as you can get the job done.

148. What are your names?

149. Butt-Head.

150. Oh, I'm Beavis.

151. Well, that's all right.

152. I'd rather not know your real names, anyway.

153. Mine's Muddy.

154. Now, look, I'm gonna get right to the point.

155. I'll pay you ten grand plus expenses, all payable after you do her.

156. - Do her? - That's right, do her.

157. I'm offering you $10,000 plus expenses to do my wife.

158. We got a deal?

159. Actually, we just want to watch TV.

160. Shut up, Beavis.

161. Yeah, we'll do your wife.

162. No! I wanna watch TV!

163. Damn it, Beavis, you butt-munch.

164. This guy wants us to score with his wife,

165. and he's gonna pay us.

166. We can buy a new TV.

167. Really? Cool.

168. We'll do it, sir.

169. Well, all right, then. Let's get down to business.

170. Here she is, boys.

171. Her name's Dallas. She ain't as sweet as she looks.

172. She stole everything from me.

173. You gotta watch out,

174. 'cause she'll do you twice as fast as you do her.

175. Whoa.

176. Cool.

177. Yeah.

178. She's holed up in a room in Las Vegas.

179. I got you a room right next to hers.

180. Your flight leaves in an hour.

181. Come on, I'll drive you to the airport.

182. "Holed up."

183. Hole.

184. Oh, man, can we watch some TV first?

185. No.

186. Now, you listen to me, and this is real important.

187. My wife's got this leather satchel.

188. It's a black bag about this big. I need you to bring it back, boys.

189. Sentimental value, you know what I mean?

190. Any questions so far?

191. Does she have big hooters?

192. Yeah. Yeah, she sure does.

193. This is gonna be cool.

194. Yeah.

195. Hey, you guys are funny. Let's have a drink on it, eh?

196. Now, don't let me down.

197. We're gonna get paid to score.

198. Yeah. Then we're gonna get a big-screen TV

199. with two remotes.

200. Beavis, this is the greatest day of our lives.

201. Yeah.

202. Here you are.

203. Hey, Beavis, she touched my butt.

204. Oh, hello, there.

205. Are you two heading for Las Vegas?

206. Yeah. We're gonna score.

207. Oh, well, I hope to score big there, myself.

208. I'm mostly gonna be doing the slots.

209. Yeah, yeah. I'm hoping to do some sluts, too. Yeah.

210. Do they have a lot of sluts in Las Vegas?

211. Oh, there are so many slots, you won't know where to begin.

212. Whoa.

213. Hey, Butt-Head, this chick is pretty cool.

214. She says there's gonna be tons of sluts in Las Vegas.

215. Cool.

216. It's so nice to meet young men who are so well-mannered.

217. Yeah.

218. I'm gonna have money and a big-screen TV

219. and there's gonna be sluts everywhere. It's gonna rule.

220. Morning, this is your captain speaking.

221. Well, that's nice.

222. We ask you to turn your attention at this time to the front of the cabin

223. for pre-flight safety instructions.

224. To fasten your seat belt, insert the free end into the coupling.

225. - If you are seated in... - "Insert."

226. If you are unable to perform this task,

227. please ring your call button at this time.

228. Damn it.

229. Hi. Can I help you with that?

230. There you go, all set.

231. I love you.

232. Wait, hey, hey, cut it out! I want her to do it.

233. Come to Butt-Head.

234. Flight attendants, please prepare for take-off.

235. Damn it.

236. Hey, hey, wait a minute. Hey, what's going on?

237. We're gonna die!

238. We're all gonna die!

239. Come to Butt-Head.

240. Could you, like, do that thing with my belt again?

241. Yeah. This is her.

242. Oh, she looks lovely.

243. I'm probably going to make out with her first,

244. before we, you know, get down. You know what I'm saying?

245. I'm sorry. You have to speak up, son.

246. I have this ringing in my ears.

247. My doctor says it could be related to my heart palpitations.

248. Really? I poop too much.

249. Maybe you're lactose intolerant.

250. I mean... No, no. I poop too much!

251. - And then I get tired. - Tired?

252. Oh, well, I know all about tired, dear.

253. I have just the thing for you, it's...

254. Here, take a couple of these. They perk me right up.

255. Thanks.

256. Tastes like crap.

257. What else you got?

258. Go right ahead. Help yourself.

259. So...

260. Going to Las Vegas?

261. Hi. We're serving dinner now.

262. Our selections tonight are chicken piccata or seafood gumbo.

263. Piccata. Titicaca.

264. Excuse me, does the gumbo have corn in it?

265. I am Cornholio. I need piccata for my bunghole.

266. - You'll have to wait your turn, sir. - Are you threatening me?

267. My bunghole will not wait.

268. Bungholio. Bungholio...

269. Hey, I got a beer.

270. Want some?

271. I am Cornholio!

272. Get the hell out of the cockpit!

273. - You said... - Now!

274. - There's the key note. - Welcome to Las Vegas.

275. Shuttle service to downtown hotels and casinos...

276. This is Las Vegas?

277. Yeah, yeah.

278. I thought there'd be, like, casinos and lights and stuff.

279. This isn't very good.

280. Attention, please. Flight 726...

281. Hey, Butt-Head, why is that guy holding a sign?

282. Maybe he's blind.

283. Check this out.

284. Excuse me.

285. You guys wouldn't know where I could find these guys, would you?

286. - Bee-ay... Bee-ayve? - Buh... Boo...

287. Boot? Someone named boot?

288. This says, "Beavis."

289. And, "Boot-Head."

290. That's, "Butt-Head."

291. Don't you get it, Beavis?

292. These dudes have the same name as us.

293. Whoa, really? We should party.

294. This way, sirs.

295. So, where are those guys?

296. Where the hell is he?

297. You sure this is the right place?

298. - You Muddy? - What are you, the cops?

299. No. Earl sent us. You know, to take care of your wife.

300. What? Take care of...

301. What the hell are you talking about? Who were those other two clowns?

302. God damn it! She did it to me again!

303. I'm gonna go to Vegas and I'm gonna kill all three of them!

304. Hey, I noticed your TV was broken.

305. You wanna buy a new one?

306. Just leave it. Worthless piece of crap.

307. Yeah, really, man.

308. We gotta start stealing from rich people.

309. I'm sorry about that little misunderstanding, gentlemen.

310. We didn't realize you were registered guests.

311. If there's anything we can do to...

312. Damn it. This thing is stuck.

313. - Sir, it's attached to the... - You dumb-ass, let me try.

314. Hey, check it out. That guy's still standing there.

315. Could you, like, not stand there and stuff?

316. - Some people are dumb. - Yeah, really.

317. Check it out, Beavis.

318. I wonder where this goes.

319. Whoa, I think I hear a chick.

320. Really? Cool. Neat.

321. All right, who are you?

322. - CIA, FBI, ATF? - Hey, Butt-Head, it's her!

323. - Whoa. - Yeah.

324. Hey, baby.

325. Are we, like, gonna do it?

326. You got two seconds.

327. Is that gonna be enough time?

328. Who sent you?

329. This drunk dude. He said he was gonna pay us to do you.

330. Yeah, yeah.

331. Muddy. Son of a bitch.

332. Hold it. What's he paying you?

333. - Ten... - Ten grand?

334. Oh, that cheap ass.

335. All right, I got a better deal for you.

336. I'll double it.

337. I'll pay you 20 if you go back there and do him.

338. You want us to do a guy?

339. No way.

340. I don't know, Butt-Head. That is a lot of money.

341. Maybe if we close our eyes and pretend he's a chick.

342. Damn.

343. You two wait right there.

344. - I'm ready for love. - Yeah.

345. I don't believe this.

346. Yeah, Las Vegas.

347. Give me the number for Dream America tours.

348. Right.

349. Yeah. You got a bus leaving today? Where's it going?

350. Washington, DC.

351. Five minutes? Perfect. Give me two tickets.

352. No way, Butt-Head, you always go first.

353. Damn it, Beavis, we've never done this before.

354. Wanna, you know...

355. Do it? Yeah, we're finally gonna score!

356. Do it?

357. You guys wanna score?

358. Damn it.

359. Cut it out!

360. You wait here.

361. - Bunghole. - Damn it.

362. No, no, no!

363. Don't wear yourselves out, boys.

364. Save some energy for me.

365. This is it, Beavis. We're finally gonna score.

366. Thank God.

367. Oh, yeah. We're gonna do it, all right.

368. Oh, yeah.

369. Boys.

370. Boys.

371. Boys!

372. First, you have to do a little job for me.

373. Would you like to do a little job for me?

374. Here's what it is.

375. I want you to take the bus to Washington, DC.

376. That's all.

377. And when you get there, I'll be waiting.

378. You're gonna make a whole lot of money

379. and I'm gonna give you everything.

380. Until then, keep your pants on.

381. Now your bus is downstairs waiting, so get going.

382. Let's go! Let's go!

383. On three!

384. - This is gonna be cool. - Oh, yeah.

385. Get out of there, Beavis. I want the window.

386. - No way, butt-hole! - Why don't you take turns?

387. Hey, Butt-Head, check it out. It's that slut from the plane.

388. Why, it's you two.

389. How'd you do in Las Vegas?

390. - We didn't score, yet. - Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that.

391. Me, I took a beating.

392. Cool.

393. So that's why I'm bussing it across America.

394. I'm so glad you're here.

395. Jim, Jim. I want you to meet two nice boys.

396. This is Travis and Bob. And, what's your last name, dear?

397. Head.

398. My first name's Butt.

399. Agent Flemming, ATF.

400. So, are you gonna tell us where it is,

401. or am I gonna have to have Agent Hurly over there

402. give you another cavity search?

403. Is that a promise?

404. Look, Mrs. Scum, we know who you are.

405. Tell her, Bork.

406. Dallas Grimes, married to Muddy Grimes.

407. You run a mom-and-pop arms smuggling ring.

408. You got my bad side.

409. Three days ago, you pulled a job

410. at the army research facility in Hadley, Nevada,

411. where you stole the X-5 unit.

412. Now we happen to know you had the unit with you

413. when you checked in here.

414. So why don't you be a good girl and tell us where it is?

415. You gonna charge me with anything?

416. I didn't think so.

417. You wanna let me go now,

418. or wait till my lawyer files a wrongful arrest?

419. We got nothing, Chief. We tore the place apart.

420. We can only legally hold her for another couple of hours.

421. Damn it. Cut her loose.

422. Where's that damn unit?

423. - We're in Washington. - Yeah, yeah, we're gonna score now.

424. Actually, son, we're at the Hoover Dam.

425. No, no. We're in Washington!

426. Yeah.

427. We're gonna score now!

428. Over 40,000 tons of concrete

429. were used in the construction of the Hoover Dam.

430. From top to bottom, the dam is 51 stories.

431. - That's something. - It has a maximum capacity

432. for generating 2.074 megawatts of electricity.

433. Wow. Really?

434. But on the average, it generates about 25% of that.

435. - I'll be damned. - Now, can anybody tell me

436. how much energy it takes to power Las Vegas?

437. Yeah, I just have a question.

438. Is this a God dam?

439. You know, God damn. You know?

440. If you'll follow me this way.

441. This is dumb. Let's go find that chick.

442. Yeah. Yeah, enough of this crap.

443. Whoa, check it out, Butt-Head. TV.

444. Cool.

445. I gotta hit the head. Can you get me some coffee?

446. All right.

447. Talk to me, Bork.

448. Chief, we found a witness that says he saw two teenagers

449. leaving Dallas's room shortly before we arrived.

450. Did you give him a full cavity search?

451. The witness?

452. Yes. You can never be too careful, Bork.

453. Well, sir, I didn't really think it was necessary.

454. You see, we have a picture of them from the elevator security cam.

455. Here. Have a look.

456. What the hell?

457. They look like a couple of kids, Chief.

458. Bork, don't you realize what kids today are capable of?

459. Don't you read the papers?

460. What the...

461. Damn it.

462. All they have is these shows about water.

463. Yeah, really. They need some shows about fire.

464. What are you doing, Beavis?

465. Something's wrong with my butt.

466. - Your butt sucks. - Yeah.

467. Hey, how come there's no sound?

468. I'll fix it.

469. Yeah, yeah! There you go. Louder! Louder!

470. Master...

471. Masturbation?

472. You know, I'll tell you what. It doesn't get any better than this.

473. This here is God's country. Unspoiled...

474. I think I found the remote.

475. What the hell's going on?

476. Blackjack.

477. I swear, that's all I know.

478. They got on the tour bus. It was probably heading west.

479. - Please. - I'm gonna kill them!

480. - That was boring. - Yeah, yeah.

481. Just the same thing, over and over again.

482. Wait a minute.

483. We can't leave Washington till we find that chick.

484. Oh, we're a long way from Washington, Bob.

485. This is the Hoover Dam.

486. Dam? I'll be damned.

487. You boys better show up.

488. - Do you see what I see, Bork? - I see it. I just don't get it.

489. You got half the state looking for you.

490. How do you get away?

491. - Cut the power. - Damn right.

492. Bork, we're dealing with real pros here.

493. My opinion, terrorists.

494. What's the scoop on that stolen unit?

495. Well, sir, it's not good. Roll the tape.

496. The X-5 unit is a new top-secret biological weapon,

497. a man-made virus, the deadliest known to man.

498. It could wipe out five states in five days.

499. Here's what happened when it was tested

500. on a group of army recruits.

501. Look at these guys, Chief.

502. This thing is a veritable doomsday device.

503. Jesus jumped-up Christ, if this were to fall into the wrong hands...

504. It gets worse. The unit wasn't finished.

505. It has a flaw, the casing.

506. If hit hard enough it could break open,

507. releasing the virus.

508. Okay, people, as of right now,

509. these are the most dangerous men in America.

510. I want these faces in front of every Fed and two-bit Sheriff

511. within 1,000 miles.

512. The orders are dead or alive.

513. Let's just pray that nothing hits that unit.

514. Cut it out, Butt-Head.

515. Get out of the way, Beavis. I wanna sit by the window.

516. Okay, people.

517. Next stop, Grand Canyon.

518. It's like it's coming out of its ass,

519. but then it's, like, also coming out of the ass of the ass.

520. It's like the poop's coming out of the ass of the ass.

521. Yeah.

522. There are over 200 active geysers in Yellowstone Park.

523. Old Faithful here is one of the largest.

524. During an eruption, the water can reach as high as 200 feet.

525. So?

526. The geyser shoots out

527. over 12,000 gallons of water

528. in a single eruption.

529. - That's not that much, really. - Yeah, really. Let's get out of here.

530. If you'll just step over here, the geyser is seconds away from...

531. - Oh, it's incredible. - Oh, oh, yeah.

532. Now, that's amazing.

533. It's incredible.

534. That's amazing.

535. Can't wait forever.

536. Damn kids. No respect.

537. Don't appreciate anything.

538. Oh, my God!

539. Wait! Stop!

540. Darn it.

541. Get me the police.

542. This is the coolest thing I have ever seen.

543. Chief, we got them.

544. They're on a senior citizens' tour bus going south on Highway 89.

545. - Yeah, that was great. - Yeah.

546. Is this the right bus?

547. Hey, Beavis, we're on a bus with chicks.

548. Hey, baby.

549. You be careful.

550. They're not on the bus.

551. These people know something.

552. I want full cavity searches.

553. Everyone. Go deep on them.

554. Agent Hurly.

555. I tell you, Bork, these guys are smart.

556. Damn smart.

557. They're probably 100 miles away by now.

558. Hey, Butt-Head, this book kicks ass.

559. There's this talking snake, and a naked chick,

560. and then this dude puts a leaf on his schlong.

561. Cool.

562. Check it out, Butt-Head, Porta-Potties.

563. Cool.

564. I gotta take a dump.

565. Where's the toilet?

566. Forgive me, Father. I've sinned.

567. - I slept with a woman, and... - Really?

568. Was she naked?

569. Well, yes, Father.

570. - Please forgive me, I... - Cool.

571. Could you, like, see her boobs?

572. I'm sorry. How many Hail Marys?

573. 1,000. And I want you to hit yourself, right now.

574. - Now? - Yeah. Do it.

575. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Harder.

576. Do it again.

577. Welcome to the Petrified Forest.

578. The world's largest site of petrified wood.

579. Wood.

580. You may wonder, "How can wood get so hard?"

581. Well, the wood became hard over two million years ago.

582. Wood.

583. Hey, where'd those chicks go?

584. I think you scared them off.

585. This sucks. What are we doing here?

586. I don't know.

587. Do you know where Washington is?

588. Yeah. About 2,000 miles that way.

589. Cool.

590. Thanks.

591. Didn't see which way they went. Didn't see their vehicle.

592. I don't suppose you tried to stop them?

593. The most dangerous guys in America? No, thank you.

594. I make $9.00 an hour.

595. National security is the responsibility of every American.

596. - Bork. - Cavity search?

597. Deep and hard.

598. - Agent Hurly. - They're not gonna get away this time.

599. I want roadblocks, every road out of here for 200 miles.

600. This sucks. It's all hot and stuff.

601. This desert is stupid.

602. They need to put a drinking fountain out here.

603. Yeah, yeah. Or, like, a 7-Eleven or something.

604. Something wrong, Officer?

605. Sir, we're looking for these two fugitives.

606. Well, I'll be danged.

607. That's them two kids that have been whacking in my camper.

608. - You saw these two? - I sure did.

609. Boy, I never seen two kids do so much damned whacking.

610. Blue den, this is post nine. I have positive ID.

611. Boy, they're just like a couple of little old spider monkeys,

612. I tell you what.

613. Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you and your wife

614. to step out of the vehicle.

615. Well, now, wait a minute. Me and the missus here

616. - are on our way to Washington, DC... - Now!

617. Now, wait right there.

618. You're dealing with a veteran of two foreign wars.

619. They're the ones been whacking.

620. If I find anything broken in there, you and I are gonna tangle.

621. - God damn it! - Masturbating in a man's camper.

622. We're dealing with two sick individuals.

623. I want that camper torn apart. Full cavity searches all around.

624. You can't do this.

625. Something tells me he could be involved.

626. What in the hell? Now, wait just a minute here.

627. Chief, just came in.

628. Two days ago, Express Airways had a disturbance

629. by someone calling himself Cornholio.

630. Guess who matches the description?

631. Finally, a real break.

632. Get me that flight's point of origin. We're gonna kick some ass.

633. Hey, one of you bastards got a match?

634. Yeah.

635. My butt and your... butt.

636. And here's a song that might help you cope

637. with some of those feelings, okay?

638. It's called Lesbian Seagull.

639. She flies so gracefully

640. Over rocks, trees and sand

641. Soaring over cliffs

642. And gently floating down to land

643. She proudly lifts her voice to sound the mating call

644. And soon her mate responds

645. By singing, "Caw caw caw"

646. Come with me

647. Lesbian seagull

648. Settle down and rest with me

649. Fly high, lesbian seagull

650. Oh, oh. Oh, my god.

651. That's him! He's their teacher. Yeah.

652. What's going on here?

653. I'll ask the questions.

654. Are these your students?

655. I assume you're a government agent.

656. I would think you would know there's something in this country

657. called due process, okay?

658. That's about the kind of talk I'd expect from the guy

659. who taught these two.

660. Take this scum away.

661. I believe I'm supposed to be read my Miranda rights.

662. Now, if...

663. I always knew they were no good.

664. - I hate... - Shut up.

665. You've been harboring two criminal masterminds.

666. Chief, you know that guy whose camper they were whacking off in?

667. Bork, you are a Federal Agent.

668. You represent the United States government.

669. Never end a sentence with a preposition.

670. You know that guy in whose camper they...

671. I mean, that guy off in whose camper they were whacking?

672. That's better. Yes?

673. We've run a sample through the national criminal sperm bank

674. and come up with two possible genetic matches for a father.

675. Former Mötley Crüe roadies turned drifters.

676. - You were a roadie for Mötley Crüe? - Yep.

677. Fire.

678. Here's another true story.

679. About 15 years ago we stopped

680. in this toilet called Highland.

681. Really? That's where we're from.

682. Well, then you know what I'm talking about.

683. Anyway, here's the story.

684. I scored with these two chicks.

685. - True story. - Yeah, me, too.

686. You scored with two chicks?

687. Yeah. They were sluts.

688. Shut up, dumb-ass! You didn't score.

689. I scored with both of them.

690. Do you think these two sluts still live in Highland?

691. That would be cool.

692. Hey, you want to see something really cool?

693. Fire!

694. Where'd those guys go?

695. Are we almost there yet?

696. Probably, like, another five minutes or something.

697. The sun sucks.

698. Yeah.

699. Cut it out, butt-hole.

700. Hey, Butt-Head,

701. isn't there supposed to be, like, water in cactuses?

702. Hey, Beavis,

703. check it out.

704. Well, no, I can't say that I've seen them, Officer.

705. I sure hope it's safe to drive around here.

706. Don't worry, sir. Just stick to the main roads.

707. If they're around, they're probably hiding out in the desert.

708. Well, that's good to know, Officer. Yeah.

709. Hey, Butt-Head, are we gonna die?

710. Probably.

711. Whoa, I think my life is, like,

712. flashing in front of my eyes.

713. Whoa.

714. My life was cool.

715. Oh, yeah.

716. Wait a minute.

717. I think I'm seeing something, too.

718. It's, like, a really long time ago.

719. Yeah. Yeah, this is gonna be cool.

720. Hey, how's it going?

721. Yeah.

722. I scored.

723. Hey, Butt-Head. I'm starting to feel weird.

724. I think I'm freaking out.

725. Okay.

726. Whoa, this is cool.

727. It's like, it's like everything looks all weird and...

728. It's like there's all these weird shapes,

729. and it's sort of like, it's like a... It's like a music video.

730. What are you doing, Butt-Head? Stop it!

731. You're freaking me out! Cut it out!

732. What's going on?

733. There's a problem here.

734. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

735. Fire, fire, fire.

736. I'm all wet.

737. Cool. Yeah. Water.

738. I'm gonna enjoy this.

739. Any last words before I kill you?

740. I have a couple.

741. - Butt cheeks. - Yeah, yeah. And boobs.

742. I just wanna say that again. Boobs.

743. I'm gonna blow you both to hell, that's what I'm gonna do!

744. Cool.

745. Whoa. Hey, Beavis,

746. that's that dude that's paying us to do his wife.

747. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

748. Can you just take us to Washington?

749. We're gonna meet her there and, you know...

750. Washington?

751. That's where she's gonna meet up with you?

752. You know, I just might need you boys, after all.

753. All right, get in the trunk. Both of you. Now!

754. - Boy, it sure is hard to score. - Yeah, really.

755. Hey, Butt-Head, check it out.

756. A jack.

757. Jack.

758. Hey, Beavis, check it out.

759. I'm jacking off.

760. Yeah.

761. Let's get out of here.

762. You go first, Beavis.

763. I don't know, Butt-Head.

764. That road's, like, moving pretty fast and stuff.

765. Come on, Beavis.

766. Just start running really fast as soon as you hit the ground.

767. - It'll work. - No way. You go.

768. Don't be a wuss, Beavis.

769. That was cool.

770. Boy, what I wouldn't give for five minutes alone

771. with them two little bastards.

772. I need a trauma box over here right now!

773. Well, Bob, the news out here is not good.

774. Authorities are calling this

775. the worst highway disaster in the nation's history.

776. Behind me, over 400 vehicles lay wrecked or stuck.

777. - Chief, look. - No one knows what caused it,

778. - but police have not ruled out... - Well, I'll be a blue-nosed gopher.

779. Where did these guys come from?

780. The question is, where are they going?

781. In other news, G-PAC is set to begin at 2:00 p.m. Tomorrow

782. when representatives from around the world...

783. - What the hell? - ... will meet in Washington...

784. Bork, that bus we picked up, where was it heading?

785. - DC, Chief. - Jesus jumped-up...

786. Bork, can you imagine what would happen

787. if they set that thing off in our nation's capital?

788. Or even worse,

789. if they sold it to some damn foreigner at that conference?

790. Well, that's not going to happen.

791. Whoa. This kicks ass.

792. Yeah.

793. Travis and Bob Head!

794. Hello!

795. Hey, Butt-Head, it's that chick.

796. Oh, yeah. Cool.

797. Maybe they can take us to Washington and we can finally score.

798. Yeah.

799. Isn't Seattle in Washington?

800. - Yep. It sure is. - Cool.

801. 'Cause I was thinking after we score, maybe we could go see Hole.

802. Hole.

803. Expecting somebody?

804. Well, well. Look at this.

805. The love of my life.

806. Where have you been?

807. Honey, I was gonna split it with you after I sold it.

808. Right down the middle, I swear. I just...

809. Sure you were.

810. But now you don't have to go to all that bother, do you?

811. Come on, Muddy.

812. What do you say we just forget about it

813. and go get a room like old times?

814. I don't think so.

815. Where is it?

816. All senators are requested for a vote.

817. All senators are requested for a vote.

818. Can I help you?

819. - We're looking for Washington. - Yeah, yeah.

820. We're gonna meet this chick with really big hooters.

821. Sirs, you are in Washington.

822. Really? Well, where is she?

823. Could you, like, make an announcement that we're ready to score?

824. No.

825. Just a moment.

826. Hello? How may I help you?

827. Attention.

828. Attention.

829. We're looking for the chick with big boobs.

830. Yeah, yeah. We are ready to do you now.

831. I guess you forget who you're dealing with, honey.

832. You see, I got your mules right here in my trunk...

833. Damn! Damn!

834. I am gonna kill them!

835. No, honey.

836. We're gonna kill them.

837. Next stop, White House.

838. Hey, wait a minute. What's going on?

839. Why are we getting back on the bus?

840. It's time to go, son.

841. We can't leave. We never met that chick.

842. Damn it. We were supposed to get some.

843. - Settle down, Beavis. - No! I won't settle down.

844. Not this time. Damn it, this always happens.

845. I think I'm gonna score, and then I never score.

846. It's not fair.

847. We've traveled 100 miles

848. 'cause we thought we were gonna score.

849. But now it's not gonna happen. Damn it!

850. - Hey, buddy, sit down. - Shut up, ass-wipe!

851. I'm sick and tired of this. We're never gonna score.

852. It's just not gonna happen.

853. We're just gonna get old like these people,

854. - but they've probably scored. - Hey, I'm warning you. Sit down!

855. It's, like, this chick's a slut.

856. And look at this guy, he's old,

857. but he's probably scored a million times.

858. - Oh, yeah. - But not us.

859. You know, we're never gonna score.

860. We're never gonna score! We're never gonna score!

861. All right, that's it, numbnuts!

862. - Once more and I'll... - Kick your ass.

863. Well, look what we have here.

864. You two make me sick. Book them, Bork.

865. You don't have anything on us and you know it.

866. Oh, I don't, huh? How about lewd conduct?

867. Maybe indecent exposure.

868. Here's what's gonna happen.

869. One of you is going to make a deal and get me the unit.

870. The other can spend the next 60 years in jail.

871. That's where you're wrong, boy.

872. Me and my wife are back together, and you will never...

873. He stole the unit. He said he put it in some kid's pants.

874. Why, you damn little four-legged... Hey, take it easy!

875. I'm gonna rip your...

876. Now, Travis, it doesn't do a body good to get all worked up.

877. Here, this should help you relax.

878. Does that say Xanax?

879. Yeah. Yeah, probably. I don't know.

880. What else you got in there? Give me that thing.

881. Okay, boys and girls, our suspects are on a tour bus

882. we believe to be heading for... The White House?

883. Jumping Jesus.

884. I want everyone there. Our people, locals.

885. Orders are shoot to kill. Repeat, shoot to kill.

886. Yeah, yeah.

887. You know what's really cool? Hey, Butt-Head. Hey, Butt-Head.

888. Shut up, Beavis.

889. - Hey, Butt-Head. Hey, Butt-Head. - ... and I'll be your tour guide.

890. In case you don't know, you've come on a very special day.

891. Gathered at the White House today for an historic global conference

892. called Give Peace a Chance, or G-PAC,

893. are representatives from around the world.

894. This is the East Room.

895. Many of the portraits you see were saved

896. from the fire set by the British in 1814.

897. Fire!

898. What's your problem, Beavis?

899. The site for the White House

900. was chosen by President Washington and Pierre L'Enfant.

901. L'Enfantata. L'Enfantata titicaca for my bunghole.

902. - Bunghole. - Sir?

903. - Sir, are you okay? - Are you threatening me?

904. I am Cornholio!

905. Okay.

906. Sir, maybe you should wait out in the lobby?

907. Okay. In this lobby.

908. Will there be TP for my bunghole?

909. - I am Cornholio! - The room was originally designed...

910. Boy, where are you when we need you, Ike?

911. I tell you what, honey,

912. even with all we've been through, it don't change a thing.

913. I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

914. This is the greatest country on earth, and I...

915. Say, that looks kind of like...

916. - No, it couldn't be. - Bungholio.

917. Are you threatening me? I am Cornholio.

918. Yes, the President does plan to speak today at the G-PAC conference.

919. - Mr. Secretary? - Mr. Secretary?

920. What about the rumors that a biological weapon

921. has been stolen and smuggled out of the country during this conference?

922. Those rumors are entirely unfounded.

923. Those rumors are totally unfounded.

924. I am the great Cornholio! I am a gringo!

925. I have no bunghole.

926. Bungholio.

927. Bungholio.

928. This is the state dining room

929. where the most powerful world leaders are entertained.

930. Hey!

931. Where's the TV?

932. There are no TVs in the dining room.

933. This house sucks.

934. Please follow me.

935. Evacuation?

936. It's probably just another bomb threat or something.

937. Okay.

938. Is this the lobby?

939. I am Cornholio.

940. I need TP for my bunghole.

941. - Yes, Mr. President. - I am Cornholio.

942. My bunghole, it goes...

943. Mr. President?

944. Mr. President, I can't make out what you're saying.

945. Sir, the President sounds strange.

946. Something's going on. I don't think it's a drill.

947. Washington may be under attack. Go to DEFCON 4.

948. Step on it! Step on it!

949. All right, move! Move! Move!

950. Move it along, folks. Move it along.

951. Whoa.

952. Hey, baby.

953. I noticed you have braces.

954. I have braces, too.

955. That was cool.

956. Whoa!

957. This is the coolest thing I have ever seen.

958. All right, where's the unit?

959. My unit?

960. In my pants.

961. - Not on him, Chief. - Agent Hurly,

962. I want you to give this scumbag a cavity search.

963. I'm talking Roto-Rooter.

964. Don't stop till you reach the back of his teeth.

965. Yeah.

966. Sir, we're awaiting your final orders.

967. I order you to surrender your TP.

968. Give me that.

969. Mr. President, in the name of all that's holy,

970. I must have those launch codes.

971. I am Cornholio.

972. You will cooperate with my bunghole.

973. For there is but one bunghole.

974. The almighty bunghole.

975. He's clean, Chief.

976. Did I just score?

977. The other guy must have it.

978. He's got to be in here somewhere.

979. Cornholio, janaab.

980. Bunghole.

981. Bunghole?

982. Fire. Bungholio.

983. Excuse me,

984. I'm terribly sorry for the inconvenience, gentlemen,

985. but we're going to have to wait outside for a moment.

986. Follow me, please.

987. TP for my bunghole?

988. Yeah, yeah. TP for my bunghole. Yeah, yeah. Pretty good.

989. Let these gentlemen through, please. They're with the conference.

990. It's okay. He's with them.

991. Mr. Cornholio.

992. You cannot run from your own bunghole.

993. Bunghole, bunghole, bunghole.

994. Boy, I tell you what, it really makes you proud.

995. I could stay in here all day.

996. Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

997. - Now, wait just a minute. - Now.

998. Hey, now, that's enough.

999. I been planning this trip my whole life and...

1000. Hey. Hey, what do you think you're...

1001. Something about a corn hole.

1002. We haven't even seen the Lincoln Room yet.

1003. I just didn't know what his problem was.

1004. - Damn it. Now, let go of me. - I'm sorry, I...

1005. Say, Chief,

1006. isn't that the guy whose camper they were whacking...

1007. I mean, off in whose whacking camper...

1008. Not now, Bork.

1009. I'll tell you what, honey,

1010. this country's going to hell in a hand basket.

1011. I'm going to go over right now and talk to my congressman about this.

1012. What the hell?

1013. Wait here a minute.

1014. No. Oh, no.

1015. What in the hell is that damn noise? I...

1016. - What? - Hey, how's it going?

1017. Pull your damn pants up, boy! I don't want to see that.

1018. Damn it, get out of here!

1019. And if I ever catch you whacking in here again,

1020. I'm gonna hogtie you.

1021. Damn it.

1022. Now I gotta straighten up in here. Damn it.

1023. We just cleared all four floors. No sign of him.

1024. Damn. Where the hell is he?

1025. Say, Chief, isn't that the camper?

1026. - Bork, not now. - Chief, look.

1027. Well, I'll be a monkey's bare-assed uncle.

1028. Attention all units. We've got him.

1029. He's in front of a white camper on Pennsylvania Avenue.

1030. I am Cornholio.

1031. I will lay waste to your bunghole.

1032. Bungholio.

1033. Holio. Bungholio.

1034. Bunghole, bunghole, bunghole!

1035. - Okay, nobody shoot. - Bunghole, bunghole!

1036. - He could still have the unit on him. - Bunghole.

1037. - Keep your distance. - Bunghole, bunghole, bunghole.

1038. We don't want to take a chance on hitting it.

1039. - Where are his pants? - Who knows?

1040. Bunghole. Bunghole? Bungholio.

1041. This is Agent Flemming, ATF.

1042. We won't hurt you. We just want the unit.

1043. Tell us where the unit is.

1044. Do you have TP?

1045. TP for my bunghole?

1046. We'll get you whatever you want.

1047. Get that other kid. We might need him.

1048. Do you have any holio?

1049. Yeah, this is Bork. Listen, we need some TP and some...

1050. What did he say?

1051. Whoa.

1052. This rules.

1053. Can I have a gun, too?

1054. You must bow down to the almighty bunghole.

1055. That was cool.

1056. This is your last chance. Give us the unit now.

1057. Why does everybody want to see my schlong?

1058. Bunghole.

1059. Bungholio!

1060. - Bungholio... - He's jerking us off.

1061. I think we're gonna have to take him out.

1062. Get ready to fire on my orders.

1063. I am the one and only almighty, one and only bungholio.

1064. This is your last chance. I'm gonna give you three seconds.

1065. I have no bungholio.

1066. Okay, boys, get ready to fire on the count of three.

1067. - One. - Would you like to see my bunghole?

1068. Cool. I will show you my bunghole!

1069. Two.

1070. I have no bunghole!

1071. What's going on? What is this?

1072. Three.

1073. Take your damn pants with you.

1074. - Hold your fire! - What in the hell?

1075. The pants! He's got the unit!

1076. Drop the pants. Now!

1077. Now, wait a minute. I ain't the one who...

1078. Here you go.

1079. - Now, wait just a minute, mister. - Sir, take a look at this.

1080. How do you explain this?

1081. What in the hell are you talking about?

1082. So, using two innocent teenagers as pawns in your sick game, huh?

1083. Look, I already told you, I don't know what in the hell this is about.

1084. Take him away.

1085. Hey, get your damn hands off me!

1086. God damn it.

1087. Damn it.

1088. You don't know who you're dealing with here.

1089. I'm a veteran of two foreign wars.

1090. I ain't the one that...

1091. I always thought there was something wrong with him.

1092. Yeah.

1093. He had a lot of problems.

1094. And...

1095. He used to hit me, too. Yeah.

1096. Does anyone wanna see my unit?

1097. I got to admit it. I had you boys figured wrong.

1098. I thought you were scum.

1099. But you saved more lives today than you'll ever know.

1100. You led us to one of the sickest criminals in our history.

1101. This country owes you a debt.

1102. Does that mean we're gonna get, like, money and stuff?

1103. And chicks.

1104. We were supposed to score.

1105. For security reasons,

1106. your actions will have to remain top-secret.

1107. Yeah.

1108. But someone very special wants to give his thanks.

1109. Beavis and Butt-Head, on behalf of your fellow Americans,

1110. I extend my deepest thanks.

1111. You exemplify a fine new crop of young Americans

1112. who will grow into the leaders of this great country.

1113. - He said, "Extend." - Oh, yeah.

1114. In recognition for your great service, I'm appointing you honorary agents

1115. in the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.

1116. Whoa.

1117. - Alcohol and tobacco? - Yeah.

1118. - And firearms! Yeah. - Cool, huh?

1119. - Cigarettes and beer kick ass. - Yeah, yeah.

1120. We're in the bureau of beer and fire and cigarettes.

1121. And maybe some chicks, too.

1122. This is gonna be cool.

1123. You know what sucks?

1124. We never scored and we never got any money.

1125. Yeah, really.

1126. And my butt's still sore, and that chick with the braces...

1127. Hey, Butt-Head. Hey, Butt-Head, look!

1128. - Yes! - Yes!

1129. Yes!

1130. Yes!

1131. Oh, yes.

1132. Hey, Butt-Head, do you think we're ever gonna score?

1133. I probably will, but not you.

1134. You're too much of a butt-monkey.

1135. Shut up, dillhole.

1136. Butt-dumpling.

1137. Turd burglar.

1138. Ass-goblin.

1139. Shut up, Butt-Head.

1140. Hey, doesn't Tom Anderson live on this street?

1141. Yeah.

1142. 'Cause I just need to stop by his tool shed for a couple of minutes.

1143. - You know what I'm saying? - Tool.