1. This is cool.Copy !req
2. Cut it out, butt-head.Copy !req
3. Whoa.Copy !req
4. Hey, baby.Copy !req
5. I'm, like, pretty tall.Copy !req
6. Damn it.
Cut it out, I'm trying to score.Copy !req
7. You bungholes.Copy !req
8. Hey, baby, how's it going?Copy !req
9. - Hey, hey, hey.
- No way, Beavis. I saw her first.Copy !req
10. Damn it! I'm gonna kick your ass.Copy !req
11. I saw her first. Get out of here.Copy !req
12. Butt-Head. Hey, Butt-Head.Copy !req
13. Oh, no. Butt-Head, Butt-Head, wake up.Copy !req
14. Butt-Head.Copy !req
15. Damn it, Beavis.Copy !req
16. I was about to score.Copy !req
17. Yeah, but check it out.Copy !req
18. It's gone.Copy !req
19. - What?
- The TV.Copy !req
20. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
21. Well, where is it?Copy !req
22. I don't know.
I just woke up and it was gone.Copy !req
23. And look, the window's broken, too.Copy !req
24. - We'll get 100 bucks for this baby.
- Oops.Copy !req
25. No.Copy !req
26. Oh, no.Copy !req
27. No.Copy !req
28. No.Copy !req
29. Whoa. I think I just figured
something out, Beavis.Copy !req
30. What?Copy !req
31. This sucks.Copy !req
32. Yeah. It really sucks.Copy !req
33. This sucks more than anything
that has ever sucked before.Copy !req
34. We must find this butt-hole
that took our TV.Copy !req
35. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah!Copy !req
36. A couple of mean guysCopy !req
37. With a fire in their eyesCopy !req
38. Known by the names ofCopy !req
39. Beavis and Butt-HeadCopy !req
40. YeahCopy !req
41. They'll chew you up and spit you outCopy !req
42. Beyond a doubtCopy !req
43. It pays not to mess withCopy !req
44. Beavis and Butt-HeadCopy !req
45. You got itCopy !req
46. If you cross Beavis and Butt-HeadCopy !req
47. They will throw down
and blow your ass awayCopy !req
48. Know what I'm saying?Copy !req
49. Beavis and Butt-HeadCopy !req
50. Beavis and Butt-HeadCopy !req
51. Oh, yesCopy !req
52. It's not in here.Copy !req
53. What are we gonna do, Butt-Head?
What if we never find it?Copy !req
54. Settle down, Beavis.Copy !req
55. Hey, wait a minute.
Where are we going?Copy !req
56. I don't want to go to school.
We gotta find our TV.Copy !req
57. Shut up, Beavis. I got an idea.Copy !req
58. Let's just wheel this thing
back to the house.Copy !req
59. Yeah.Copy !req
60. Hey, excuse me, boys.
What's going on here?Copy !req
61. - Someone stole our TV.
- Yeah. We're just gonna use this one.Copy !req
62. Get out of the way.Copy !req
63. I'm afraid that TV belongs
to the school, okay?Copy !req
64. You know, this could be a really
positive experience for you guys.Copy !req
65. There's a wonderful
and exciting world out thereCopy !req
66. when we discover that we don't
need TV to entertain us.Copy !req
67. He said, "Anus."Copy !req
68. Entertain us, anus. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
69. Have you guys heard a word I've said?Copy !req
70. - Yeah. Anus.
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
71. Yeah, I heard it, too.Copy !req
72. Look, guys, just take the TV back
to the AV room right now.Copy !req
73. And try to be a little more open
to life experiences, okay?Copy !req
74. - What a dork.
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
75. Get it over here.Copy !req
76. Wait a minute, no. No!Copy !req
77. - That was cool.
- No, it wasn't!Copy !req
78. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
79. What's going on out here?Copy !req
80. Oh, no!Copy !req
81. - That belongs to the school.
- Oh, no.Copy !req
82. Yeah.
It's supposed to be in the AV room.Copy !req
83. - Wasn't our fault.
- Get back here.Copy !req
84. Beavis and Butt-Head,
you're both expelled!Copy !req
85. Cool.Copy !req
86. Whoa, check it out, Beavis.Copy !req
87. I didn't know Anderson had a camper.Copy !req
88. Yeah. Maybe it'll have a TV.Copy !req
89. Oh, hello.Copy !req
90. Are you boys here
to look at the refrigerator?Copy !req
91. No.Copy !req
92. We're here to look at the TV.Copy !req
93. Oh, Tom didn't tell me it was broken.
Go on in.Copy !req
94. - Cool.
- Yeah.Copy !req
95. Well, that ought to hold her.Copy !req
96. You know, the most important thing
you can have on a camperCopy !req
97. is a good butane regulator.Copy !req
98. And this here's the best one
they make.Copy !req
99. I sure hope
we can get that fridge fixed.Copy !req
100. Now, Marcie, we've been planningCopy !req
101. and saving up for this trip
our whole lives,Copy !req
102. and we're gonna go
come hell or high water.Copy !req
103. What in the hell is that?Copy !req
104. Must be them damn buzzard hawks.Copy !req
105. Let's get something to drink.Copy !req
106. This crap is warm.Copy !req
107. Beavis, you butt-hole. You broke it.Copy !req
108. No, no! Damn it!Copy !req
109. Hey, what the hell's going on here?Copy !req
110. They're here to fix the TV, Tom.Copy !req
111. What? The TV ain't broken.Copy !req
112. - Yeah, it is.
- Yeah.Copy !req
113. Hey, wait a minute.
You two look kind of familiar.Copy !req
114. Ain't you them kids that have been
whacking off in my tool shed?Copy !req
115. We still don't have a TV, Butt-Head.Copy !req
116. I know, Beavis.Copy !req
117. Damn it, I can't sleep without a TV.Copy !req
118. Dumb-ass.Copy !req
119. No.Copy !req
120. Help. Help me.Copy !req
121. No, no.Copy !req
122. What's your problem, Beavis?Copy !req
123. I need TV. I need TV now.Copy !req
124. Damn it.Copy !req
125. Whoa. TV.Copy !req
126. Yeah, yeah, TV.Copy !req
127. TV. Yeah.Copy !req
128. Damn it.Copy !req
129. No.Copy !req
130. Damn it.Copy !req
131. No.Copy !req
132. Are you sure these guys
can pull this off, Earl?Copy !req
133. It's got to look like an accident.Copy !req
134. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
135. Beavis and Butt-Head!
You little bastards!Copy !req
136. - Can we watch your TV?
- No! You're expelled.Copy !req
137. Now, get out of here!Copy !req
138. Wait a minute.
Damn it, I need a TV now.Copy !req
139. We're missing everything.Copy !req
140. Yeah, hold on a minute.
That must be them now.Copy !req
141. Yeah, I'll call you back.Copy !req
142. Come in.Copy !req
143. TV. Yeah.Copy !req
144. You're late.Copy !req
145. Really? Did we miss Baywatch?Copy !req
146. Man, Earl said you guys
were young, but, jeez.Copy !req
147. Oh, well,
as long as you can get the job done.Copy !req
148. What are your names?Copy !req
149. Butt-Head.Copy !req
150. Oh, I'm Beavis.Copy !req
151. Well, that's all right.Copy !req
152. I'd rather not know
your real names, anyway.Copy !req
153. Mine's Muddy.Copy !req
154. Now, look,
I'm gonna get right to the point.Copy !req
155. I'll pay you ten grand plus expenses,
all payable after you do her.Copy !req
156. - Do her?
- That's right, do her.Copy !req
157. I'm offering you $10,000 plus expenses
to do my wife.Copy !req
158. We got a deal?Copy !req
159. Actually, we just want to watch TV.Copy !req
160. Shut up, Beavis.Copy !req
161. Yeah, we'll do your wife.Copy !req
162. No! I wanna watch TV!Copy !req
163. Damn it, Beavis, you butt-munch.Copy !req
164. This guy wants us to score
with his wife,Copy !req
165. and he's gonna pay us.Copy !req
166. We can buy a new TV.Copy !req
167. Really? Cool.Copy !req
168. We'll do it, sir.Copy !req
169. Well, all right, then.
Let's get down to business.Copy !req
170. Here she is, boys.Copy !req
171. Her name's Dallas.
She ain't as sweet as she looks.Copy !req
172. She stole everything from me.Copy !req
173. You gotta watch out,Copy !req
174. 'cause she'll do you
twice as fast as you do her.Copy !req
175. Whoa.Copy !req
176. Cool.Copy !req
177. Yeah.Copy !req
178. She's holed up in a room in Las Vegas.Copy !req
179. I got you a room right next to hers.Copy !req
180. Your flight leaves in an hour.Copy !req
181. Come on,
I'll drive you to the airport.Copy !req
182. "Holed up."Copy !req
183. Hole.Copy !req
184. Oh, man, can we watch some TV first?Copy !req
185. No.Copy !req
186. Now, you listen to me,
and this is real important.Copy !req
187. My wife's got this leather satchel.Copy !req
188. It's a black bag about this big.
I need you to bring it back, boys.Copy !req
189. Sentimental value,
you know what I mean?Copy !req
190. Any questions so far?Copy !req
191. Does she have big hooters?Copy !req
192. Yeah. Yeah, she sure does.Copy !req
193. This is gonna be cool.Copy !req
194. Yeah.Copy !req
195. Hey, you guys are funny.
Let's have a drink on it, eh?Copy !req
196. Now, don't let me down.Copy !req
197. We're gonna get paid to score.Copy !req
198. Yeah.
Then we're gonna get a big-screen TVCopy !req
199. with two remotes.Copy !req
200. Beavis, this is
the greatest day of our lives.Copy !req
201. Yeah.Copy !req
202. Here you are.Copy !req
203. Hey, Beavis, she touched my butt.Copy !req
204. Oh, hello, there.Copy !req
205. Are you two heading for Las Vegas?Copy !req
206. Yeah. We're gonna score.Copy !req
207. Oh, well, I hope
to score big there, myself.Copy !req
208. I'm mostly gonna be doing the slots.Copy !req
209. Yeah, yeah. I'm hoping
to do some sluts, too. Yeah.Copy !req
210. Do they have a lot of sluts
in Las Vegas?Copy !req
211. Oh, there are so many slots,
you won't know where to begin.Copy !req
212. Whoa.Copy !req
213. Hey, Butt-Head,
this chick is pretty cool.Copy !req
214. She says there's gonna be
tons of sluts in Las Vegas.Copy !req
215. Cool.Copy !req
216. It's so nice to meet young men
who are so well-mannered.Copy !req
217. Yeah.Copy !req
218. I'm gonna have money
and a big-screen TVCopy !req
219. and there's gonna be sluts everywhere.
It's gonna rule.Copy !req
220. Morning, this is
your captain speaking.Copy !req
221. Well, that's nice.Copy !req
222. We ask you to turn your attention
at this time to the front of the cabinCopy !req
223. for pre-flight safety instructions.Copy !req
224. To fasten your seat belt,
insert the free end into the coupling.Copy !req
225. - If you are seated in...
- "Insert."Copy !req
226. If you are unable
to perform this task,Copy !req
227. please ring your call button
at this time.Copy !req
228. Damn it.Copy !req
229. Hi. Can I help you with that?Copy !req
230. There you go, all set.Copy !req
231. I love you.Copy !req
232. Wait, hey, hey, cut it out!
I want her to do it.Copy !req
233. Come to Butt-Head.Copy !req
234. Flight attendants,
please prepare for take-off.Copy !req
235. Damn it.Copy !req
236. Hey, hey, wait a minute.
Hey, what's going on?Copy !req
237. We're gonna die!Copy !req
238. We're all gonna die!Copy !req
239. Come to Butt-Head.Copy !req
240. Could you, like,
do that thing with my belt again?Copy !req
241. Yeah. This is her.Copy !req
242. Oh, she looks lovely.Copy !req
243. I'm probably going
to make out with her first,Copy !req
244. before we, you know, get down.
You know what I'm saying?Copy !req
245. I'm sorry. You have to speak up, son.Copy !req
246. I have this ringing in my ears.Copy !req
247. My doctor says it could be related
to my heart palpitations.Copy !req
248. Really? I poop too much.Copy !req
249. Maybe you're lactose intolerant.Copy !req
250. I mean... No, no. I poop too much!Copy !req
251. - And then I get tired.
- Tired?Copy !req
252. Oh, well,
I know all about tired, dear.Copy !req
253. I have just the thing for you, it's...Copy !req
254. Here, take a couple of these.
They perk me right up.Copy !req
255. Thanks.Copy !req
256. Tastes like crap.Copy !req
257. What else you got?Copy !req
258. Go right ahead. Help yourself.Copy !req
259. So...Copy !req
260. Going to Las Vegas?Copy !req
261. Hi. We're serving dinner now.Copy !req
262. Our selections tonight
are chicken piccata or seafood gumbo.Copy !req
263. Piccata. Titicaca.Copy !req
264. Excuse me,
does the gumbo have corn in it?Copy !req
265. I am Cornholio.
I need piccata for my bunghole.Copy !req
266. - You'll have to wait your turn, sir.
- Are you threatening me?Copy !req
267. My bunghole will not wait.Copy !req
268. Bungholio. Bungholio...Copy !req
269. Hey, I got a beer.Copy !req
270. Want some?Copy !req
271. I am Cornholio!Copy !req
272. Get the hell out of the cockpit!Copy !req
273. - You said...
- Now!Copy !req
274. - There's the key note.
- Welcome to Las Vegas.Copy !req
275. Shuttle service to
downtown hotels and casinos...Copy !req
276. This is Las Vegas?Copy !req
277. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
278. I thought there'd be, like,
casinos and lights and stuff.Copy !req
279. This isn't very good.Copy !req
280. Attention, please. Flight 726...Copy !req
281. Hey, Butt-Head,
why is that guy holding a sign?Copy !req
282. Maybe he's blind.Copy !req
283. Check this out.Copy !req
284. Excuse me.Copy !req
285. You guys wouldn't know where
I could find these guys, would you?Copy !req
286. - Bee-ay... Bee-ayve?
- Buh... Boo...Copy !req
287. Boot? Someone named boot?Copy !req
288. This says, "Beavis."Copy !req
289. And, "Boot-Head."Copy !req
290. That's, "Butt-Head."Copy !req
291. Don't you get it, Beavis?Copy !req
292. These dudes have the same name as us.Copy !req
293. Whoa, really? We should party.Copy !req
294. This way, sirs.Copy !req
295. So, where are those guys?Copy !req
296. Where the hell is he?Copy !req
297. You sure this is the right place?Copy !req
298. - You Muddy?
- What are you, the cops?Copy !req
299. No. Earl sent us.
You know, to take care of your wife.Copy !req
300. What? Take care of...Copy !req
301. What the hell are you talking about?
Who were those other two clowns?Copy !req
302. God damn it! She did it to me again!Copy !req
303. I'm gonna go to Vegas
and I'm gonna kill all three of them!Copy !req
304. Hey, I noticed your TV was broken.Copy !req
305. You wanna buy a new one?Copy !req
306. Just leave it.
Worthless piece of crap.Copy !req
307. Yeah, really, man.Copy !req
308. We gotta start stealing
from rich people.Copy !req
309. I'm sorry about that little
misunderstanding, gentlemen.Copy !req
310. We didn't realize
you were registered guests.Copy !req
311. If there's anything we can do to...Copy !req
312. Damn it. This thing is stuck.Copy !req
313. - Sir, it's attached to the...
- You dumb-ass, let me try.Copy !req
314. Hey, check it out.
That guy's still standing there.Copy !req
315. Could you, like,
not stand there and stuff?Copy !req
316. - Some people are dumb.
- Yeah, really.Copy !req
317. Check it out, Beavis.Copy !req
318. I wonder where this goes.Copy !req
319. Whoa, I think I hear a chick.Copy !req
320. Really? Cool. Neat.Copy !req
321. All right, who are you?Copy !req
322. - CIA, FBI, ATF?
- Hey, Butt-Head, it's her!Copy !req
323. - Whoa.
- Yeah.Copy !req
324. Hey, baby.Copy !req
325. Are we, like, gonna do it?Copy !req
326. You got two seconds.Copy !req
327. Is that gonna be enough time?Copy !req
328. Who sent you?Copy !req
329. This drunk dude.
He said he was gonna pay us to do you.Copy !req
330. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
331. Muddy. Son of a bitch.Copy !req
332. Hold it. What's he paying you?Copy !req
333. - Ten...
- Ten grand?Copy !req
334. Oh, that cheap ass.Copy !req
335. All right,
I got a better deal for you.Copy !req
336. I'll double it.Copy !req
337. I'll pay you 20
if you go back there and do him.Copy !req
338. You want us to do a guy?Copy !req
339. No way.Copy !req
340. I don't know, Butt-Head.
That is a lot of money.Copy !req
341. Maybe if we close our eyes
and pretend he's a chick.Copy !req
342. Damn.Copy !req
343. You two wait right there.Copy !req
344. - I'm ready for love.
- Yeah.Copy !req
345. I don't believe this.Copy !req
346. Yeah, Las Vegas.Copy !req
347. Give me the number
for Dream America tours.Copy !req
348. Right.Copy !req
349. Yeah. You got a bus leaving today?
Where's it going?Copy !req
350. Washington, DC.Copy !req
351. Five minutes? Perfect.
Give me two tickets.Copy !req
352. No way, Butt-Head,
you always go first.Copy !req
353. Damn it, Beavis,
we've never done this before.Copy !req
354. Wanna, you know...Copy !req
355. Do it?
Yeah, we're finally gonna score!Copy !req
356. Do it?Copy !req
357. You guys wanna score?Copy !req
358. Damn it.Copy !req
359. Cut it out!Copy !req
360. You wait here.Copy !req
361. - Bunghole.
- Damn it.Copy !req
362. No, no, no!Copy !req
363. Don't wear yourselves out, boys.Copy !req
364. Save some energy for me.Copy !req
365. This is it, Beavis.
We're finally gonna score.Copy !req
366. Thank God.Copy !req
367. Oh, yeah.
We're gonna do it, all right.Copy !req
368. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
369. Boys.Copy !req
370. Boys.Copy !req
371. Boys!Copy !req
372. First, you have to do
a little job for me.Copy !req
373. Would you like to do
a little job for me?Copy !req
374. Here's what it is.Copy !req
375. I want you to take the bus
to Washington, DC.Copy !req
376. That's all.Copy !req
377. And when you get there,
I'll be waiting.Copy !req
378. You're gonna make a whole lot of moneyCopy !req
379. and I'm gonna give you everything.Copy !req
380. Until then, keep your pants on.Copy !req
381. Now your bus is downstairs waiting,
so get going.Copy !req
382. Let's go! Let's go!Copy !req
383. On three!Copy !req
384. - This is gonna be cool.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
385. Get out of there, Beavis.
I want the window.Copy !req
386. - No way, butt-hole!
- Why don't you take turns?Copy !req
387. Hey, Butt-Head, check it out.
It's that slut from the plane.Copy !req
388. Why, it's you two.Copy !req
389. How'd you do in Las Vegas?Copy !req
390. - We didn't score, yet.
- Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that.Copy !req
391. Me, I took a beating.Copy !req
392. Cool.Copy !req
393. So that's why
I'm bussing it across America.Copy !req
394. I'm so glad you're here.Copy !req
395. Jim, Jim.
I want you to meet two nice boys.Copy !req
396. This is Travis and Bob.
And, what's your last name, dear?Copy !req
397. Head.Copy !req
398. My first name's Butt.Copy !req
399. Agent Flemming, ATF.Copy !req
400. So, are you gonna tell us where it is,Copy !req
401. or am I gonna have to have
Agent Hurly over thereCopy !req
402. give you another cavity search?Copy !req
403. Is that a promise?Copy !req
404. Look, Mrs. Scum, we know who you are.Copy !req
405. Tell her, Bork.Copy !req
406. Dallas Grimes,
married to Muddy Grimes.Copy !req
407. You run a mom-and-pop
arms smuggling ring.Copy !req
408. You got my bad side.Copy !req
409. Three days ago, you pulled a jobCopy !req
410. at the army research facility
in Hadley, Nevada,Copy !req
411. where you stole the X-5 unit.Copy !req
412. Now we happen to know
you had the unit with youCopy !req
413. when you checked in here.Copy !req
414. So why don't you be a good girl
and tell us where it is?Copy !req
415. You gonna charge me with anything?Copy !req
416. I didn't think so.Copy !req
417. You wanna let me go now,Copy !req
418. or wait till my lawyer files
a wrongful arrest?Copy !req
419. We got nothing, Chief.
We tore the place apart.Copy !req
420. We can only legally hold her
for another couple of hours.Copy !req
421. Damn it. Cut her loose.Copy !req
422. Where's that damn unit?Copy !req
423. - We're in Washington.
- Yeah, yeah, we're gonna score now.Copy !req
424. Actually, son,
we're at the Hoover Dam.Copy !req
425. No, no. We're in Washington!Copy !req
426. Yeah.Copy !req
427. We're gonna score now!Copy !req
428. Over 40,000 tons of concreteCopy !req
429. were used in the construction
of the Hoover Dam.Copy !req
430. From top to bottom,
the dam is 51 stories.Copy !req
431. - That's something.
- It has a maximum capacityCopy !req
432. for generating 2.074
megawatts of electricity.Copy !req
433. Wow. Really?Copy !req
434. But on the average,
it generates about 25% of that.Copy !req
435. - I'll be damned.
- Now, can anybody tell meCopy !req
436. how much energy
it takes to power Las Vegas?Copy !req
437. Yeah, I just have a question.Copy !req
438. Is this a God dam?Copy !req
439. You know, God damn. You know?Copy !req
440. If you'll follow me this way.Copy !req
441. This is dumb.
Let's go find that chick.Copy !req
442. Yeah. Yeah, enough of this crap.Copy !req
443. Whoa, check it out, Butt-Head. TV.Copy !req
444. Cool.Copy !req
445. I gotta hit the head.
Can you get me some coffee?Copy !req
446. All right.Copy !req
447. Talk to me, Bork.Copy !req
448. Chief, we found a witness
that says he saw two teenagersCopy !req
449. leaving Dallas's room
shortly before we arrived.Copy !req
450. Did you give him a full cavity search?Copy !req
451. The witness?Copy !req
452. Yes. You can never be
too careful, Bork.Copy !req
453. Well, sir, I didn't really think
it was necessary.Copy !req
454. You see, we have a picture of them
from the elevator security cam.Copy !req
455. Here. Have a look.Copy !req
456. What the hell?Copy !req
457. They look like
a couple of kids, Chief.Copy !req
458. Bork, don't you realize
what kids today are capable of?Copy !req
459. Don't you read the papers?Copy !req
460. What the...Copy !req
461. Damn it.Copy !req
462. All they have
is these shows about water.Copy !req
463. Yeah, really.
They need some shows about fire.Copy !req
464. What are you doing, Beavis?Copy !req
465. Something's wrong with my butt.Copy !req
466. - Your butt sucks.
- Yeah.Copy !req
467. Hey, how come there's no sound?Copy !req
468. I'll fix it.Copy !req
469. Yeah, yeah! There you go.
Louder! Louder!Copy !req
470. Master...Copy !req
471. Masturbation?Copy !req
472. You know, I'll tell you what.
It doesn't get any better than this.Copy !req
473. This here is God's country.
Unspoiled...Copy !req
474. I think I found the remote.Copy !req
475. What the hell's going on?Copy !req
476. Blackjack.Copy !req
477. I swear, that's all I know.Copy !req
478. They got on the tour bus.
It was probably heading west.Copy !req
479. - Please.
- I'm gonna kill them!Copy !req
480. - That was boring.
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
481. Just the same thing,
over and over again.Copy !req
482. Wait a minute.Copy !req
483. We can't leave Washington
till we find that chick.Copy !req
484. Oh, we're a long way
from Washington, Bob.Copy !req
485. This is the Hoover Dam.Copy !req
486. Dam? I'll be damned.Copy !req
487. You boys better show up.Copy !req
488. - Do you see what I see, Bork?
- I see it. I just don't get it.Copy !req
489. You got half the state
looking for you.Copy !req
490. How do you get away?Copy !req
491. - Cut the power.
- Damn right.Copy !req
492. Bork, we're dealing with
real pros here.Copy !req
493. My opinion, terrorists.Copy !req
494. What's the scoop on that stolen unit?Copy !req
495. Well, sir, it's not good.
Roll the tape.Copy !req
496. The X-5 unit is a new
top-secret biological weapon,Copy !req
497. a man-made virus,
the deadliest known to man.Copy !req
498. It could wipe out five states
in five days.Copy !req
499. Here's what happened
when it was testedCopy !req
500. on a group of army recruits.Copy !req
501. Look at these guys, Chief.Copy !req
502. This thing is a veritable
doomsday device.Copy !req
503. Jesus jumped-up Christ, if this
were to fall into the wrong hands...Copy !req
504. It gets worse.
The unit wasn't finished.Copy !req
505. It has a flaw, the casing.Copy !req
506. If hit hard enough
it could break open,Copy !req
507. releasing the virus.Copy !req
508. Okay, people, as of right now,Copy !req
509. these are the most dangerous men
in America.Copy !req
510. I want these faces in front of
every Fed and two-bit SheriffCopy !req
511. within 1,000 miles.Copy !req
512. The orders are dead or alive.Copy !req
513. Let's just pray
that nothing hits that unit.Copy !req
514. Cut it out, Butt-Head.Copy !req
515. Get out of the way, Beavis.
I wanna sit by the window.Copy !req
516. Okay, people.Copy !req
517. Next stop, Grand Canyon.Copy !req
518. It's like it's coming out of its ass,Copy !req
519. but then it's, like,
also coming out of the ass of the ass.Copy !req
520. It's like the poop's coming out
of the ass of the ass.Copy !req
521. Yeah.Copy !req
522. There are over 200 active geysers
in Yellowstone Park.Copy !req
523. Old Faithful here
is one of the largest.Copy !req
524. During an eruption, the water
can reach as high as 200 feet.Copy !req
525. So?Copy !req
526. The geyser shoots outCopy !req
527. over 12,000 gallons of waterCopy !req
528. in a single eruption.Copy !req
529. - That's not that much, really.
- Yeah, really. Let's get out of here.Copy !req
530. If you'll just step over here,
the geyser is seconds away from...Copy !req
531. - Oh, it's incredible.
- Oh, oh, yeah.Copy !req
532. Now, that's amazing.Copy !req
533. It's incredible.Copy !req
534. That's amazing.Copy !req
535. Can't wait forever.Copy !req
536. Damn kids. No respect.Copy !req
537. Don't appreciate anything.Copy !req
538. Oh, my God!Copy !req
539. Wait! Stop!Copy !req
540. Darn it.Copy !req
541. Get me the police.Copy !req
542. This is the coolest thing
I have ever seen.Copy !req
543. Chief, we got them.Copy !req
544. They're on a senior citizens' tour bus
going south on Highway 89.Copy !req
545. - Yeah, that was great.
- Yeah.Copy !req
546. Is this the right bus?Copy !req
547. Hey, Beavis,
we're on a bus with chicks.Copy !req
548. Hey, baby.Copy !req
549. You be careful.Copy !req
550. They're not on the bus.Copy !req
551. These people know something.Copy !req
552. I want full cavity searches.Copy !req
553. Everyone. Go deep on them.Copy !req
554. Agent Hurly.Copy !req
555. I tell you, Bork,
these guys are smart.Copy !req
556. Damn smart.Copy !req
557. They're probably
100 miles away by now.Copy !req
558. Hey, Butt-Head, this book kicks ass.Copy !req
559. There's this talking snake,
and a naked chick,Copy !req
560. and then this dude
puts a leaf on his schlong.Copy !req
561. Cool.Copy !req
562. Check it out, Butt-Head,
Porta-Potties.Copy !req
563. Cool.Copy !req
564. I gotta take a dump.Copy !req
565. Where's the toilet?Copy !req
566. Forgive me, Father. I've sinned.Copy !req
567. - I slept with a woman, and...
- Really?Copy !req
568. Was she naked?Copy !req
569. Well, yes, Father.Copy !req
570. - Please forgive me, I...
- Cool.Copy !req
571. Could you, like, see her boobs?Copy !req
572. I'm sorry. How many Hail Marys?Copy !req
573. 1,000. And I want you to hit yourself,
right now.Copy !req
574. - Now?
- Yeah. Do it.Copy !req
575. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Harder.Copy !req
576. Do it again.Copy !req
577. Welcome to the Petrified Forest.Copy !req
578. The world's largest site
of petrified wood.Copy !req
579. Wood.Copy !req
580. You may wonder,
"How can wood get so hard?"Copy !req
581. Well, the wood became hard
over two million years ago.Copy !req
582. Wood.Copy !req
583. Hey, where'd those chicks go?Copy !req
584. I think you scared them off.Copy !req
585. This sucks. What are we doing here?Copy !req
586. I don't know.Copy !req
587. Do you know where Washington is?Copy !req
588. Yeah. About 2,000 miles that way.Copy !req
589. Cool.Copy !req
590. Thanks.Copy !req
591. Didn't see which way they went.
Didn't see their vehicle.Copy !req
592. I don't suppose
you tried to stop them?Copy !req
593. The most dangerous guys in America?
No, thank you.Copy !req
594. I make $9.00 an hour.Copy !req
595. National security is
the responsibility of every American.Copy !req
596. - Bork.
- Cavity search?Copy !req
597. Deep and hard.Copy !req
598. - Agent Hurly.
- They're not gonna get away this time.Copy !req
599. I want roadblocks,
every road out of here for 200 miles.Copy !req
600. This sucks. It's all hot and stuff.Copy !req
601. This desert is stupid.Copy !req
602. They need to put
a drinking fountain out here.Copy !req
603. Yeah, yeah.
Or, like, a 7-Eleven or something.Copy !req
604. Something wrong, Officer?Copy !req
605. Sir, we're looking
for these two fugitives.Copy !req
606. Well, I'll be danged.Copy !req
607. That's them two kids that have been
whacking in my camper.Copy !req
608. - You saw these two?
- I sure did.Copy !req
609. Boy, I never seen two kids
do so much damned whacking.Copy !req
610. Blue den, this is post nine.
I have positive ID.Copy !req
611. Boy, they're just like
a couple of little old spider monkeys,Copy !req
612. I tell you what.Copy !req
613. Sir, I'm gonna have to ask
you and your wifeCopy !req
614. to step out of the vehicle.Copy !req
615. Well, now, wait a minute.
Me and the missus hereCopy !req
616. - are on our way to Washington, DC...
- Now!Copy !req
617. Now, wait right there.Copy !req
618. You're dealing with a veteran
of two foreign wars.Copy !req
619. They're the ones been whacking.Copy !req
620. If I find anything broken in there,
you and I are gonna tangle.Copy !req
621. - God damn it!
- Masturbating in a man's camper.Copy !req
622. We're dealing with
two sick individuals.Copy !req
623. I want that camper torn apart.
Full cavity searches all around.Copy !req
624. You can't do this.Copy !req
625. Something tells me
he could be involved.Copy !req
626. What in the hell?
Now, wait just a minute here.Copy !req
627. Chief, just came in.Copy !req
628. Two days ago, Express Airways
had a disturbanceCopy !req
629. by someone calling himself Cornholio.Copy !req
630. Guess who matches the description?Copy !req
631. Finally, a real break.Copy !req
632. Get me that flight's point of origin.
We're gonna kick some ass.Copy !req
633. Hey, one of you bastards got a match?Copy !req
634. Yeah.Copy !req
635. My butt and your... butt.Copy !req
636. And here's a song
that might help you copeCopy !req
637. with some of those feelings, okay?Copy !req
638. It's called Lesbian Seagull.Copy !req
639. She flies so gracefullyCopy !req
640. Over rocks, trees and sandCopy !req
641. Soaring over cliffsCopy !req
642. And gently floating down to landCopy !req
643. She proudly lifts her voice
to sound the mating callCopy !req
644. And soon her mate respondsCopy !req
645. By singing, "Caw caw caw"Copy !req
646. Come with meCopy !req
647. Lesbian seagullCopy !req
648. Settle down and rest with meCopy !req
649. Fly high, lesbian seagullCopy !req
650. Oh, oh. Oh, my god.Copy !req
651. That's him! He's their teacher. Yeah.Copy !req
652. What's going on here?Copy !req
653. I'll ask the questions.Copy !req
654. Are these your students?Copy !req
655. I assume you're a government agent.Copy !req
656. I would think you would know
there's something in this countryCopy !req
657. called due process, okay?Copy !req
658. That's about the kind of talk
I'd expect from the guyCopy !req
659. who taught these two.Copy !req
660. Take this scum away.Copy !req
661. I believe I'm supposed to be read
my Miranda rights.Copy !req
662. Now, if...Copy !req
663. I always knew they were no good.Copy !req
664. - I hate...
- Shut up.Copy !req
665. You've been harboring
two criminal masterminds.Copy !req
666. Chief, you know that guy whose camper
they were whacking off in?Copy !req
667. Bork, you are a Federal Agent.Copy !req
668. You represent
the United States government.Copy !req
669. Never end a sentence
with a preposition.Copy !req
670. You know that guy
in whose camper they...Copy !req
671. I mean, that guy off in whose camper
they were whacking?Copy !req
672. That's better. Yes?Copy !req
673. We've run a sample through
the national criminal sperm bankCopy !req
674. and come up with two possible
genetic matches for a father.Copy !req
675. Former Mötley Crüe roadies
turned drifters.Copy !req
676. - You were a roadie for Mötley Crüe?
- Yep.Copy !req
677. Fire.Copy !req
678. Here's another true story.Copy !req
679. About 15 years ago we stoppedCopy !req
680. in this toilet called Highland.Copy !req
681. Really? That's where we're from.Copy !req
682. Well, then you know
what I'm talking about.Copy !req
683. Anyway, here's the story.Copy !req
684. I scored with these two chicks.Copy !req
685. - True story.
- Yeah, me, too.Copy !req
686. You scored with two chicks?Copy !req
687. Yeah. They were sluts.Copy !req
688. Shut up, dumb-ass! You didn't score.Copy !req
689. I scored with both of them.Copy !req
690. Do you think these two sluts
still live in Highland?Copy !req
691. That would be cool.Copy !req
692. Hey, you want to see something
really cool?Copy !req
693. Fire!Copy !req
694. Where'd those guys go?Copy !req
695. Are we almost there yet?Copy !req
696. Probably, like,
another five minutes or something.Copy !req
697. The sun sucks.Copy !req
698. Yeah.Copy !req
699. Cut it out, butt-hole.Copy !req
700. Hey, Butt-Head,Copy !req
701. isn't there supposed to be, like,
water in cactuses?Copy !req
702. Hey, Beavis,Copy !req
703. check it out.Copy !req
704. Well, no, I can't say
that I've seen them, Officer.Copy !req
705. I sure hope it's safe
to drive around here.Copy !req
706. Don't worry, sir.
Just stick to the main roads.Copy !req
707. If they're around, they're probably
hiding out in the desert.Copy !req
708. Well, that's good to know, Officer.
Yeah.Copy !req
709. Hey, Butt-Head, are we gonna die?Copy !req
710. Probably.Copy !req
711. Whoa, I think my life is, like,Copy !req
712. flashing in front of my eyes.Copy !req
713. Whoa.Copy !req
714. My life was cool.Copy !req
715. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
716. Wait a minute.Copy !req
717. I think I'm seeing something, too.Copy !req
718. It's, like, a really long time ago.Copy !req
719. Yeah. Yeah, this is gonna be cool.Copy !req
720. Hey, how's it going?Copy !req
721. Yeah.Copy !req
722. I scored.Copy !req
723. Hey, Butt-Head.
I'm starting to feel weird.Copy !req
724. I think I'm freaking out.Copy !req
725. Okay.Copy !req
726. Whoa, this is cool.Copy !req
727. It's like, it's like everything
looks all weird and...Copy !req
728. It's like there's
all these weird shapes,Copy !req
729. and it's sort of like, it's like a...
It's like a music video.Copy !req
730. What are you doing, Butt-Head?
Stop it!Copy !req
731. You're freaking me out! Cut it out!Copy !req
732. What's going on?Copy !req
733. There's a problem here.Copy !req
734. Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
735. Fire, fire, fire.Copy !req
736. I'm all wet.Copy !req
737. Cool. Yeah. Water.Copy !req
738. I'm gonna enjoy this.Copy !req
739. Any last words before I kill you?Copy !req
740. I have a couple.Copy !req
741. - Butt cheeks.
- Yeah, yeah. And boobs.Copy !req
742. I just wanna say that again. Boobs.Copy !req
743. I'm gonna blow you both to hell,
that's what I'm gonna do!Copy !req
744. Cool.Copy !req
745. Whoa. Hey, Beavis,Copy !req
746. that's that dude that's paying us
to do his wife.Copy !req
747. Oh, yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
748. Can you just take us to Washington?Copy !req
749. We're gonna meet her there
and, you know...Copy !req
750. Washington?Copy !req
751. That's where
she's gonna meet up with you?Copy !req
752. You know,
I just might need you boys, after all.Copy !req
753. All right, get in the trunk.
Both of you. Now!Copy !req
754. - Boy, it sure is hard to score.
- Yeah, really.Copy !req
755. Hey, Butt-Head, check it out.Copy !req
756. A jack.Copy !req
757. Jack.Copy !req
758. Hey, Beavis, check it out.Copy !req
759. I'm jacking off.Copy !req
760. Yeah.Copy !req
761. Let's get out of here.Copy !req
762. You go first, Beavis.Copy !req
763. I don't know, Butt-Head.Copy !req
764. That road's, like,
moving pretty fast and stuff.Copy !req
765. Come on, Beavis.Copy !req
766. Just start running really fast
as soon as you hit the ground.Copy !req
767. - It'll work.
- No way. You go.Copy !req
768. Don't be a wuss, Beavis.Copy !req
769. That was cool.Copy !req
770. Boy, what I wouldn't give
for five minutes aloneCopy !req
771. with them two little bastards.Copy !req
772. I need a trauma box over here
right now!Copy !req
773. Well, Bob,
the news out here is not good.Copy !req
774. Authorities are calling thisCopy !req
775. the worst highway disaster
in the nation's history.Copy !req
776. Behind me, over 400 vehicles
lay wrecked or stuck.Copy !req
777. - Chief, look.
- No one knows what caused it,Copy !req
778. - but police have not ruled out...
- Well, I'll be a blue-nosed gopher.Copy !req
779. Where did these guys come from?Copy !req
780. The question is, where are they going?Copy !req
781. In other news, G-PAC is set
to begin at 2:00 p.m. tomorrowCopy !req
782. when representatives
from around the world...Copy !req
783. - What the hell?
- ... will meet in Washington...Copy !req
784. Bork, that bus we picked up,
where was it heading?Copy !req
785. - DC, Chief.
- Jesus jumped-up...Copy !req
786. Bork, can you imagine
what would happenCopy !req
787. if they set that thing off
in our nation's capital?Copy !req
788. Or even worse,Copy !req
789. if they sold it to some damn foreigner
at that conference?Copy !req
790. Well, that's not going to happen.Copy !req
791. Whoa. This kicks ass.Copy !req
792. Yeah.Copy !req
793. Travis and Bob Head!Copy !req
794. Hello!Copy !req
795. Hey, Butt-Head, it's that chick.Copy !req
796. Oh, yeah. Cool.Copy !req
797. Maybe they can take us to Washington
and we can finally score.Copy !req
798. Yeah.Copy !req
799. Isn't Seattle in Washington?Copy !req
800. - Yep. It sure is.
- Cool.Copy !req
801. 'Cause I was thinking after we score,
maybe we could go see Hole.Copy !req
802. Hole.Copy !req
803. Expecting somebody?Copy !req
804. Well, well. Look at this.Copy !req
805. The love of my life.Copy !req
806. Where have you been?Copy !req
807. Honey, I was gonna split it with you
after I sold it.Copy !req
808. Right down the middle, I swear.
I just...Copy !req
809. Sure you were.Copy !req
810. But now you don't have to go
to all that bother, do you?Copy !req
811. Come on, Muddy.Copy !req
812. What do you say
we just forget about itCopy !req
813. and go get a room like old times?Copy !req
814. I don't think so.Copy !req
815. Where is it?Copy !req
816. All senators are requested for a vote.Copy !req
817. All senators are requested for a vote.Copy !req
818. Can I help you?Copy !req
819. - We're looking for Washington.
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
820. We're gonna meet this chick
with really big hooters.Copy !req
821. Sirs, you are in Washington.Copy !req
822. Really? Well, where is she?Copy !req
823. Could you, like, make an announcement
that we're ready to score?Copy !req
824. No.Copy !req
825. Just a moment.Copy !req
826. Hello? How may I help you?Copy !req
827. Attention.Copy !req
828. Attention.Copy !req
829. We're looking
for the chick with big boobs.Copy !req
830. Yeah, yeah.
We are ready to do you now.Copy !req
831. I guess you forget
who you're dealing with, honey.Copy !req
832. You see, I got your mules
right here in my trunk...Copy !req
833. Damn! Damn!Copy !req
834. I am gonna kill them!Copy !req
835. No, honey.Copy !req
836. We're gonna kill them.Copy !req
837. Next stop, White House.Copy !req
838. Hey, wait a minute. What's going on?Copy !req
839. Why are we getting back on the bus?Copy !req
840. It's time to go, son.Copy !req
841. We can't leave.
We never met that chick.Copy !req
842. Damn it. We were supposed to get some.Copy !req
843. - Settle down, Beavis.
- No! I won't settle down.Copy !req
844. Not this time.
Damn it, this always happens.Copy !req
845. I think I'm gonna score,
and then I never score.Copy !req
846. It's not fair.Copy !req
847. We've traveled 100 milesCopy !req
848. 'cause we thought we were gonna score.Copy !req
849. But now it's not gonna happen.
Damn it!Copy !req
850. - Hey, buddy, sit down.
- Shut up, ass-wipe!Copy !req
851. I'm sick and tired of this.
We're never gonna score.Copy !req
852. It's just not gonna happen.Copy !req
853. We're just gonna get old
like these people,Copy !req
854. - but they've probably scored.
- Hey, I'm warning you. Sit down!Copy !req
855. It's, like, this chick's a slut.Copy !req
856. And look at this guy, he's old,Copy !req
857. but he's probably scored
a million times.Copy !req
858. - Oh, yeah.
- But not us.Copy !req
859. You know, we're never gonna score.Copy !req
860. We're never gonna score!
We're never gonna score!Copy !req
861. All right, that's it, numbnuts!Copy !req
862. - Once more and I'll...
- Kick your ass.Copy !req
863. Well, look what we have here.Copy !req
864. You two make me sick. Book them, Bork.Copy !req
865. You don't have anything on us
and you know it.Copy !req
866. Oh, I don't, huh?
How about lewd conduct?Copy !req
867. Maybe indecent exposure.Copy !req
868. Here's what's gonna happen.Copy !req
869. One of you is going to make a deal
and get me the unit.Copy !req
870. The other can spend
the next 60 years in jail.Copy !req
871. That's where you're wrong, boy.Copy !req
872. Me and my wife are back together,
and you will never...Copy !req
873. He stole the unit.
He said he put it in some kid's pants.Copy !req
874. Why, you damn little four-legged...
Hey, take it easy!Copy !req
875. I'm gonna rip your...Copy !req
876. Now, Travis, it doesn't do a body good
to get all worked up.Copy !req
877. Here, this should help you relax.Copy !req
878. Does that say Xanax?Copy !req
879. Yeah. Yeah, probably. I don't know.Copy !req
880. What else you got in there?
Give me that thing.Copy !req
881. Okay, boys and girls,
our suspects are on a tour busCopy !req
882. we believe to be heading for...
The White House?Copy !req
883. Jumping Jesus.Copy !req
884. I want everyone there.
Our people, locals.Copy !req
885. Orders are shoot to kill.
Repeat, shoot to kill.Copy !req
886. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
887. You know what's really cool?
Hey, Butt-Head. Hey, Butt-Head.Copy !req
888. Shut up, Beavis.Copy !req
889. - Hey, Butt-Head. Hey, Butt-Head.
- ... and I'll be your tour guide.Copy !req
890. In case you don't know,
you've come on a very special day.Copy !req
891. Gathered at the White House today
for an historic global conferenceCopy !req
892. called Give Peace a Chance, or G-PAC,Copy !req
893. are representatives
from around the world.Copy !req
894. This is the East Room.Copy !req
895. Many of the portraits you see
were savedCopy !req
896. from the fire
set by the British in 1814.Copy !req
897. Fire!Copy !req
898. What's your problem, Beavis?Copy !req
899. The site for the White HouseCopy !req
900. was chosen by President Washington
and Pierre L'Enfant.Copy !req
901. L'Enfantata.
L'Enfantata titicaca for my bunghole.Copy !req
902. - Bunghole.
- Sir?Copy !req
903. - Sir, are you okay?
- Are you threatening me?Copy !req
904. I am Cornholio!Copy !req
905. Okay.Copy !req
906. Sir, maybe you should wait
out in the lobby?Copy !req
907. Okay. In this lobby.Copy !req
908. Will there be TP for my bunghole?Copy !req
909. - I am Cornholio!
- The room was originally designed...Copy !req
910. Boy, where are you
when we need you, Ike?Copy !req
911. I tell you what, honey,Copy !req
912. even with all we've been through,
it don't change a thing.Copy !req
913. I've said it before,
and I'll say it again.Copy !req
914. This is the greatest country on earth,
and I...Copy !req
915. Say, that looks kind of like...Copy !req
916. - No, it couldn't be.
- Bungholio.Copy !req
917. Are you threatening me?
I am Cornholio.Copy !req
918. Yes, the President does plan to speak
today at the G-PAC conference.Copy !req
919. - Mr. Secretary?
- Mr. Secretary?Copy !req
920. What about the rumors
that a biological weaponCopy !req
921. has been stolen and smuggled out
of the country during this conference?Copy !req
922. Those rumors are entirely unfounded.Copy !req
923. Those rumors are totally unfounded.Copy !req
924. I am the great Cornholio!
I am a gringo!Copy !req
925. I have no bunghole.Copy !req
926. Bungholio.Copy !req
927. Bungholio.Copy !req
928. This is the state dining roomCopy !req
929. where the most powerful world leaders
are entertained.Copy !req
930. Hey!Copy !req
931. Where's the TV?Copy !req
932. There are no TVs in the dining room.Copy !req
933. This house sucks.Copy !req
934. Please follow me.Copy !req
935. Evacuation?Copy !req
936. It's probably just another bomb threat
or something.Copy !req
937. Okay.Copy !req
938. Is this the lobby?Copy !req
939. I am Cornholio.Copy !req
940. I need TP for my bunghole.Copy !req
941. - Yes, Mr. President.
- I am Cornholio.Copy !req
942. My bunghole, it goes...Copy !req
943. Mr. President?Copy !req
944. Mr. President,
I can't make out what you're saying.Copy !req
945. Sir, the President sounds strange.Copy !req
946. Something's going on.
I don't think it's a drill.Copy !req
947. Washington may be under attack.
Go to DEFCON 4.Copy !req
948. Step on it! Step on it!Copy !req
949. All right, move! Move! Move!Copy !req
950. Move it along, folks. Move it along.Copy !req
951. Whoa.Copy !req
952. Hey, baby.Copy !req
953. I noticed you have braces.Copy !req
954. I have braces, too.Copy !req
955. That was cool.Copy !req
956. Whoa!Copy !req
957. This is the coolest thing
I have ever seen.Copy !req
958. All right, where's the unit?Copy !req
959. My unit?Copy !req
960. In my pants.Copy !req
961. - Not on him, Chief.
- Agent Hurly,Copy !req
962. I want you to give this scumbag
a cavity search.Copy !req
963. I'm talking Roto-Rooter.Copy !req
964. Don't stop till you reach
the back of his teeth.Copy !req
965. Yeah.Copy !req
966. Sir, we're awaiting your final orders.Copy !req
967. I order you to surrender your TP.Copy !req
968. Give me that.Copy !req
969. Mr. President,
in the name of all that's holy,Copy !req
970. I must have those launch codes.Copy !req
971. I am Cornholio.Copy !req
972. You will cooperate with my bunghole.Copy !req
973. For there is but one bunghole.Copy !req
974. The almighty bunghole.Copy !req
975. He's clean, Chief.Copy !req
976. Did I just score?Copy !req
977. The other guy must have it.Copy !req
978. He's got to be in here somewhere.Copy !req
979. Cornholio, janaab.Copy !req
980. Bunghole.Copy !req
981. Bunghole?Copy !req
982. Fire. Bungholio.Copy !req
983. Excuse me,Copy !req
984. I'm terribly sorry
for the inconvenience, gentlemen,Copy !req
985. but we're going to have to
wait outside for a moment.Copy !req
986. Follow me, please.Copy !req
987. TP for my bunghole?Copy !req
988. Yeah, yeah. TP for my bunghole.
Yeah, yeah. Pretty good.Copy !req
989. Let these gentlemen through, please.
They're with the conference.Copy !req
990. It's okay. He's with them.Copy !req
991. Mr. Cornholio.Copy !req
992. You cannot run from your own bunghole.Copy !req
993. Bunghole, bunghole, bunghole.Copy !req
994. Boy, I tell you what,
it really makes you proud.Copy !req
995. I could stay in here all day.Copy !req
996. Sir, I'm gonna have to
ask you to leave.Copy !req
997. - Now, wait just a minute.
- Now.Copy !req
998. Hey, now, that's enough.Copy !req
999. I been planning this trip
my whole life and...Copy !req
1000. Hey. Hey, what do you think you're...Copy !req
1001. Something about a corn hole.Copy !req
1002. We haven't even seen
the Lincoln Room yet.Copy !req
1003. I just didn't know
what his problem was.Copy !req
1004. - Damn it. Now, let go of me.
- I'm sorry, I...Copy !req
1005. Say, Chief,Copy !req
1006. isn't that the guy whose camper
they were whacking...Copy !req
1007. I mean,
off in whose whacking camper...Copy !req
1008. Not now, Bork.Copy !req
1009. I'll tell you what, honey,Copy !req
1010. this country's going to hell
in a hand basket.Copy !req
1011. I'm going to go over right now
and talk to my congressman about this.Copy !req
1012. What the hell?Copy !req
1013. Wait here a minute.Copy !req
1014. No. Oh, no.Copy !req
1015. What in the hell
is that damn noise? I...Copy !req
1016. - What?
- Hey, how's it going?Copy !req
1017. Pull your damn pants up, boy!
I don't want to see that.Copy !req
1018. Damn it, get out of here!Copy !req
1019. And if I ever catch you
whacking in here again,Copy !req
1020. I'm gonna hogtie you.Copy !req
1021. Damn it.Copy !req
1022. Now I gotta straighten up in here.
Damn it.Copy !req
1023. We just cleared all four floors.
No sign of him.Copy !req
1024. Damn. Where the hell is he?Copy !req
1025. Say, Chief, isn't that the camper?Copy !req
1026. - Bork, not now.
- Chief, look.Copy !req
1027. Well, I'll be a monkey's
bare-assed uncle.Copy !req
1028. Attention all units. We've got him.Copy !req
1029. He's in front of a white camper
on Pennsylvania Avenue.Copy !req
1030. I am Cornholio.Copy !req
1031. I will lay waste to your bunghole.Copy !req
1032. Bungholio.Copy !req
1033. Holio. Bungholio.Copy !req
1034. Bunghole, bunghole, bunghole!Copy !req
1035. - Okay, nobody shoot.
- Bunghole, bunghole!Copy !req
1036. - He could still have the unit on him.
- Bunghole.Copy !req
1037. - Keep your distance.
- Bunghole, bunghole, bunghole.Copy !req
1038. We don't want to take a chance
on hitting it.Copy !req
1039. - Where are his pants?
- Who knows?Copy !req
1040. Bunghole. Bunghole? Bungholio.Copy !req
1041. This is Agent Flemming, ATF.Copy !req
1042. We won't hurt you.
We just want the unit.Copy !req
1043. Tell us where the unit is.Copy !req
1044. Do you have TP?Copy !req
1045. TP for my bunghole?Copy !req
1046. We'll get you whatever you want.Copy !req
1047. Get that other kid. We might need him.Copy !req
1048. Do you have any holio?Copy !req
1049. Yeah, this is Bork.
Listen, we need some TP and some...Copy !req
1050. What did he say?Copy !req
1051. Whoa.Copy !req
1052. This rules.Copy !req
1053. Can I have a gun, too?Copy !req
1054. You must bow down
to the almighty bunghole.Copy !req
1055. That was cool.Copy !req
1056. This is your last chance.
Give us the unit now.Copy !req
1057. Why does everybody
want to see my schlong?Copy !req
1058. Bunghole.Copy !req
1059. Bungholio!Copy !req
1060. - Bungholio...
- He's jerking us off.Copy !req
1061. I think we're gonna have
to take him out.Copy !req
1062. Get ready to fire on my orders.Copy !req
1063. I am the one and only almighty,
one and only bungholio.Copy !req
1064. This is your last chance.
I'm gonna give you three seconds.Copy !req
1065. I have no bungholio.Copy !req
1066. Okay, boys, get ready to fire
on the count of three.Copy !req
1067. - One.
- Would you like to see my bunghole?Copy !req
1068. Cool. I will show you my bunghole!Copy !req
1069. Two.Copy !req
1070. I have no bunghole!Copy !req
1071. What's going on? What is this?Copy !req
1072. Three.Copy !req
1073. Take your damn pants with you.Copy !req
1074. - Hold your fire!
- What in the hell?Copy !req
1075. The pants! He's got the unit!Copy !req
1076. Drop the pants. Now!Copy !req
1077. Now, wait a minute.
I ain't the one who...Copy !req
1078. Here you go.Copy !req
1079. - Now, wait just a minute, mister.
- Sir, take a look at this.Copy !req
1080. How do you explain this?Copy !req
1081. What in the hell
are you talking about?Copy !req
1082. So, using two innocent teenagers
as pawns in your sick game, huh?Copy !req
1083. Look, I already told you, I don't know
what in the hell this is about.Copy !req
1084. Take him away.Copy !req
1085. Hey, get your damn hands off me!Copy !req
1086. God damn it.Copy !req
1087. Damn it.Copy !req
1088. You don't know
who you're dealing with here.Copy !req
1089. I'm a veteran of two foreign wars.Copy !req
1090. I ain't the one that...Copy !req
1091. I always thought
there was something wrong with him.Copy !req
1092. Yeah.Copy !req
1093. He had a lot of problems.Copy !req
1094. And...Copy !req
1095. He used to hit me, too. Yeah.Copy !req
1096. Does anyone wanna see my unit?Copy !req
1097. I got to admit it.
I had you boys figured wrong.Copy !req
1098. I thought you were scum.Copy !req
1099. But you saved more lives today
than you'll ever know.Copy !req
1100. You led us to one of
the sickest criminals in our history.Copy !req
1101. This country owes you a debt.Copy !req
1102. Does that mean we're gonna get,
like, money and stuff?Copy !req
1103. And chicks.Copy !req
1104. We were supposed to score.Copy !req
1105. For security reasons,Copy !req
1106. your actions
will have to remain top-secret.Copy !req
1107. Yeah.Copy !req
1108. But someone very special
wants to give his thanks.Copy !req
1109. Beavis and Butt-Head,
on behalf of your fellow Americans,Copy !req
1110. I extend my deepest thanks.Copy !req
1111. You exemplify a fine new crop
of young AmericansCopy !req
1112. who will grow into the leaders
of this great country.Copy !req
1113. - He said, "Extend."
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
1114. In recognition for your great service,
I'm appointing you honorary agentsCopy !req
1115. in the Bureau of Alcohol,
Tobacco and Firearms.Copy !req
1116. Whoa.Copy !req
1117. - Alcohol and tobacco?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1118. - And firearms! Yeah.
- Cool, huh?Copy !req
1119. - Cigarettes and beer kick ass.
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
1120. We're in the bureau
of beer and fire and cigarettes.Copy !req
1121. And maybe some chicks, too.Copy !req
1122. This is gonna be cool.Copy !req
1123. You know what sucks?Copy !req
1124. We never scored
and we never got any money.Copy !req
1125. Yeah, really.Copy !req
1126. And my butt's still sore,
and that chick with the braces...Copy !req
1127. Hey, Butt-Head. Hey, Butt-Head, look!Copy !req
1128. - Yes!
- Yes!Copy !req
1129. Yes!Copy !req
1130. Yes!Copy !req
1131. Oh, yes.Copy !req
1132. Hey, Butt-Head,
do you think we're ever gonna score?Copy !req
1133. I probably will, but not you.Copy !req
1134. You're too much of a butt-monkey.Copy !req
1135. Shut up, dillhole.Copy !req
1136. Butt-dumpling.Copy !req
1137. Turd burglar.Copy !req
1138. Ass-goblin.Copy !req
1139. Shut up, Butt-Head.Copy !req
1140. Hey, doesn't Tom Anderson
live on this street?Copy !req
1141. Yeah.Copy !req
1142. 'Cause I just need to stop by
his tool shed for a couple of minutes.Copy !req
1143. - You know what I'm saying?
- Tool.Copy !req