1. So, this is for, uh,Copy !req
2. "New York Times Magazine"?Copy !req
3. No. I'm sorry, that...Copy !req
4. there...Copy !req
5. mm... no, I freelance.Copy !req
6. I write for
different magazines,Copy !req
7. but this is a personal matter.Copy !req
8. A personal matter?Copy !req
9. Yes, I'm sorry. Is that okay?Copy !req
10. No, it's absolutely okay.Copy !req
11. May I ask what-what this
is regarding and...?Copy !req
12. Uh, it's about my son.Copy !req
13. Okay. How can I help?Copy !req
14. He...Copy !req
15. There are moments
that I look at him,Copy !req
16. this kid that I raised,Copy !req
17. who I thought I knew
inside and out,Copy !req
18. and I wonder who he is.Copy !req
19. He's been doing all
sorts of drugs,Copy !req
20. but he's addicted
to crystal meth,Copy !req
21. which seems, uh, to be
the worst of all of 'em.Copy !req
22. And I guess I'm hereCopy !req
23. because I just want to know...Copy !req
24. all that I can about...Copy !req
25. all of it.Copy !req
26. Know your enemies, right?Copy !req
27. So...Copy !req
28. My two big questions are,Copy !req
29. wh-what is it doing to him,Copy !req
30. and what can I do to help him?Copy !req
31. Marin General
Hospital. How may I help you?Copy !req
32. Hi.
My son has gone missing,Copy !req
33. and I wanted to check
to see if he had...Copy !req
34. uh, maybe had been brought inCopy !req
35. or-or if-if there'd
been an accident.Copy !req
36. Can I have name and
description, sir?Copy !req
37. Nicolas Sheff.Copy !req
38. S-H-E-F-F.Copy !req
39. He is...Copy !req
40. 18 years old.Copy !req
41. He is just over six feet tall.Copy !req
42. About 130 pounds.Copy !req
43. Maybe less. I-I
don't know. Um...Copy !req
44. He has shoulder-length
brown hairCopy !req
45. and green eyes.Copy !req
46. Thank you.
Please hold.Copy !req
47. Okay.Copy !req
48. - Mr. Sheff?
- Yes.Copy !req
49. Uh, there's no one
by that name, sir.Copy !req
50. Okay. Thank you.Copy !req
51. He's
been gone for two days.Copy !req
52. What
do you mean he's gone?Copy !req
53. - What's going on?
- I don't know.Copy !req
54. - I don't know.
- Two days?Copy !req
55. Why didn't you tell me sooner?Copy !req
56. Uh, I didn't want to
worry you, I guess.Copy !req
57. - I just...
- I'm his mother, David.Copy !req
58. Didn't you see this coming?Copy !req
59. Uh, no.Copy !req
60. What?Copy !req
61. No, no, I didn't see it coming.Copy !req
62. If I'd seen it coming, I
would've done something.Copy !req
63. It was just a
question, David. Jesus.Copy !req
64. I haven't been talking
with him a lot lately.Copy !req
65. Well, maybe that's why you
shouldn't be giving me adviceCopy !req
66. in parenting, right?Copy !req
67. Fuck, Vicki.Copy !req
68. Can we just not blame each
other right now? That's...Copy !req
69. Who's blaming who here?Copy !req
70. If I hardly ever see him,
it's because he's supposedCopy !req
71. to come to L.A.
for the holidaysCopy !req
72. but always finds a
reason not to come.Copy !req
73. Well, that's not
my fault, is it?Copy !req
74. Nic.Copy !req
75. Here's your little brother.Copy !req
76. Tight.Copy !req
77. Just support his head.Copy !req
78. Hi, Jasper.Copy !req
79. Hi, little boy.Copy !req
80. This is amazing.Copy !req
81. He's sticking
his tongue out.Copy !req
82. Hi. Nice to meet you.Copy !req
83. - Bye.
- Bye.Copy !req
84. - I'll miss you this summer.
- Me, too.Copy !req
85. - Okay, write me.
- Write me back.Copy !req
86. Work on your French.Copy !req
87. Oui, madame.Copy !req
88. Have a great summer.Copy !req
89. And say hi to your mom.Copy !req
90. - Everything.
- Everything.Copy !req
91. Ya!Copy !req
92. Come on.Copy !req
93. Hey.Copy !req
94. Where have you been?Copy !req
95. Yeah, I just need to sleep,
all right?Copy !req
96. What have you been doing?Copy !req
97. I just need to sleep, all
right? Leave me alone.Copy !req
98. Guys, go downstairs.Copy !req
99. I'll be there in a minute.Copy !req
100. Ow.Copy !req
101. Look, Man, I'm-I'm, uh...Copy !req
102. I'm really sorry, all
right? And-and I, uh...Copy !req
103. I fucked up, and it
was a mistake, but...Copy !req
104. it was a one-time mistake, all
right? I learned my lesson.Copy !req
105. I don't want to go through this
shit again, all right? So...Copy !req
106. - Let's just go inside.
- No.Copy !req
107. They're professionals.Copy !req
108. Let's just listen to
what they have to say.Copy !req
109. Look, I'm 18, all right?
You can't force me!Copy !req
110. Hey.Copy !req
111. This got out of hand, right?Copy !req
112. Don't you think?Copy !req
113. Come on.Copy !req
114. All right.Copy !req
115. Okay. Okay.Copy !req
116. I'm doing it for you.Copy !req
117. He needs treatment. And fast.Copy !req
118. There's still a lot of
drugs in his system.Copy !req
119. And, worst of all,
he's in denial.Copy !req
120. Um, can you help him?Copy !req
121. Oh, yeah. I mean,Copy !req
122. a lot of the people here
are not here by choice.Copy !req
123. And they have just as
much chance as anybody.Copy !req
124. Okay.Copy !req
125. So, we have a free bed.Copy !req
126. So, if you want, we can check
him in for a 28-day treatmentCopy !req
127. and then we evaluate.Copy !req
128. Um... what is your success rate?Copy !req
129. On the high end, 80%.Copy !req
130. On the low end, 25%.Copy !req
131. Look, he will have
daily consultationsCopy !req
132. with a staff psychiatrist
and physician.Copy !req
133. We have daily N.A.
and A.A. meetings.Copy !req
134. He'll be monitored
very closely.Copy !req
135. Thank you.Copy !req
136. And last page.Copy !req
137. Everything.Copy !req
138. Everything.Copy !req
139. Why are
you always in this room?Copy !req
140. You hardly ever
come out of here.Copy !req
141. It's like you're a vampire.Copy !req
142. I read.Copy !req
143. I draw.Copy !req
144. You know what we should do?Copy !req
145. We should go surfing.Copy !req
146. Yeah.Copy !req
147. That sound good?Copy !req
148. I'm kind of into other
things now, you know?Copy !req
149. Reading misanthropes and
seriously depressed writers.Copy !req
150. Oh, come on, they're...Copy !req
151. they're kind of
great, though, right?Copy !req
152. I get it.Copy !req
153. It'll pass, though.Copy !req
154. It always does.Copy !req
155. What does?Copy !req
156. The feeling of being
alienated and isolated.Copy !req
157. Huh, that really helps.Copy !req
158. Thanks for the advice, Dad.Copy !req
159. Okay.Copy !req
160. All right. That was...Copy !req
161. That came out wrong. I'm sorry.Copy !req
162. Mm-mm.Copy !req
163. All right.
Your-your idea.Copy !req
164. Hey.Copy !req
165. Hey, Dad.Copy !req
166. So, we feel
he's made great progress.Copy !req
167. - Right, Nic?
- Hi. - Hey.Copy !req
168. - That's great.
- That's great.Copy !req
169. So we should maybe talk
about the coming weeks, Nic.Copy !req
170. Mm. I think I need
to... I think I needCopy !req
171. a little bit more time
in rehab. So if it's...Copy !req
172. if it's all right with
you guys, I was wonderingCopy !req
173. if I could stay in the
halfway house here.Copy !req
174. The halfway house is
an open living facilityCopy !req
175. with follow-up every night,Copy !req
176. and we would help
him find a job.Copy !req
177. Right. I don't want to...Copy !req
178. go to college... right now.Copy !req
179. Oh? Okay. Uh,
um, and do what?Copy !req
180. I think I need to
be independent.Copy !req
181. Dad, I'm telling
you, this is...Copy !req
182. It's gonna be good.Copy !req
183. What is he gonna do,Copy !req
184. make coffee for the
rest of his life?Copy !req
185. You know
what, Frederick told meCopy !req
186. that they have friends
that had a sonCopy !req
187. that did a four-week program
and that wasn't enoughCopy !req
188. and now he's doing
a year program.Copy !req
189. I wish you wouldn't talk
to everybody about it.Copy !req
190. What does that got
to do with anything?Copy !req
191. To protect Nic. I
mean, at some point,Copy !req
192. he's gonna want to
get on with his life.Copy !req
193. And maybe it's best that not
everybody knows about this.Copy !req
194. Okay.Copy !req
195. Can we not make this about me?Copy !req
196. Uh...
All right.Copy !req
197. Look, Nic needs some more time.Copy !req
198. And that's fine.Copy !req
199. - Okay?
- Okay.Copy !req
200. Okay?Copy !req
201. Yeah, okay.Copy !req
202. Shh.Copy !req
203. David Sheff.Copy !req
204. Hi, Mr. Sheff.Copy !req
205. This is Annie Goldblum
from the Ohlhoff Center.Copy !req
206. Oh, yes. Hi. Hello.Copy !req
207. Listen, I am
sorry to disturb you,Copy !req
208. but I need to inform
you about Nic.Copy !req
209. Okay.Copy !req
210. He left the facility
today during free time,Copy !req
211. and he hasn't returned since.Copy !req
212. I'm sorry, Mr. Sheff,Copy !req
213. but please don't despair.Copy !req
214. This happens.Copy !req
215. But I... I thought you said
he was doing so well.Copy !req
216. You should think of this
as part of the process.Copy !req
217. Relapse is a part of recovery.Copy !req
218. Relapse is part of recovery?Copy !req
219. Yeah. It-it's a part of
Nic's learning process.Copy !req
220. Well, uh, that's...Copy !req
221. that's like saying crashing
is part of pilot training.Copy !req
222. Look, he'll be back, and
probably really quick.Copy !req
223. Do you have somebody
out looking for him?Copy !req
224. It is not our
responsibilityCopy !req
225. once he leaves the facility.Copy !req
226. - Okay.
- But he is welcome to...Copy !req
227. Excuse me.Copy !req
228. Have you seen a kid
hanging out around here?Copy !req
229. - No.
- No?Copy !req
230. Okay, thank you.Copy !req
231. Wow. They don't want
to deal with that.Copy !req
232. Hey, Dad, you want
to smoke this?Copy !req
233. Hey, whoa.Copy !req
234. Wait. What...? Stop.Copy !req
235. - Put that away.
- We'll smoke this together.Copy !req
236. No, no, no. No.
Are you cra...Copy !req
237. - That's crazy.
- Well, I know you smoke.Copy !req
238. - Y... Well, yeah. I...
- So let's smoke together.Copy !req
239. No, no, no.
Occasionally, like...Copy !req
240. Look, let's smoke to...
let's smoke together.Copy !req
241. - Listen.
- Or I could just...Copy !req
242. You know what?
- No, stop it, stop it.Copy !req
243. - Stop. Stop.
- I'll just light it here a...Copy !req
244. You know what? You're right.
I'll just light it here alone.Copy !req
245. Don't.Copy !req
246. Occasionally, from
time to time...Copy !req
247. Yeah?Copy !req
248. I will have a hit
or two at a party,Copy !req
249. but it's been a
while, so just...Copy !req
250. Oh, okay, so then just smoke...Copy !req
251. have-have a celebratory
joint with your son.Copy !req
252. N-No. God, come
on.Copy !req
253. No. No, you're amazing.Copy !req
254. You got... you applied
to six colleges,Copy !req
255. you got into all of them?Copy !req
256. Yeah.Copy !req
257. Stop doubting yourself.Copy !req
258. Look at you.Copy !req
259. Give me that. Give me that.Copy !req
260. What?Copy !req
261. Nice-nice hit. That
was a good hit.Copy !req
262. - What?
- Well...Copy !req
263. Thank you. This is a nice...Copy !req
264. thing to do.Copy !req
265. You did a lot of drugs, right?Copy !req
266. I, uh...Copy !req
267. Yeah, I did my share.Copy !req
268. I experimented
with some drugs.Copy !req
269. I did.Copy !req
270. - But not harmless.
- What, is this...?Copy !req
271. There was a guy,
and... No, no.Copy !req
272. This is the lecture part?Copy !req
273. - Right?
- Yes.Copy !req
274. Dad, you worry too
much, all right?Copy !req
275. - Everyone does it.
- Just be careful.Copy !req
276. It's just a little pot.
I'm just partying a little.Copy !req
277. It's just... you know,
it's just once in a while.Copy !req
278. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
279. I deserve to party
a little now.Copy !req
280. - "Deserve to party."
- I do.Copy !req
281. Look, it just... it takes
the edge off things.Copy !req
282. It-it... it-it takes the edge
off of stupid all-day reality.Copy !req
283. Hmm.Copy !req
284. What is stupid about reality?Copy !req
285. You know, just like...Copy !req
286. like daily, stupid things
that don't matter.Copy !req
287. Okay.Copy !req
288. You cannot say dumb
shit like that,Copy !req
289. or you're gonna
start believing it.Copy !req
290. Right.Copy !req
291. Thanks for bringing
that, Karen.Copy !req
292. This is my home.Copy !req
293. A couple
of weeks ago, you told meCopy !req
294. that you had only done
crystal meth once.Copy !req
295. And the story has to be
bigger than that, right?Copy !req
296. - Mm-hmm.
- There's more to it.Copy !req
297. Yeah?Copy !req
298. David.Copy !req
299. We
need to know.Copy !req
300. We need to know.Copy !req
301. I think I always liked it.Copy !req
302. What?Copy !req
303. Anything. Pot, alcohol,Copy !req
304. Ecstasy, cocaine, LSD.Copy !req
305. And you've been
doing all of thatCopy !req
306. for what... years?Copy !req
307. A couple years, yeah.Copy !req
308. And crystal meth?Copy !req
309. Just a couple months.Copy !req
310. Wh-Why?Copy !req
311. I don't know.Copy !req
312. Um...Copy !req
313. When I tried it, I felt...Copy !req
314. I felt better than
I ever had, so...Copy !req
315. I just kept on doing it.Copy !req
316. I was worried that you
were smoking too much pot.Copy !req
317. Meanwhile, you're out doing
every drug on the planet?Copy !req
318. And hiding it and lying? Why?Copy !req
319. I don't know. Um...Copy !req
320. Why Nic, tell me why?Copy !req
321. Ease up.Copy !req
322. - I don't know.
- I thought we were close.Copy !req
323. I thought we were closer
than most fathers and sons.Copy !req
324. Yeah, I feel like you're
always disappointed in me.Copy !req
325. You're disappointed I
didn't go to college.Copy !req
326. Can you blame me?Copy !req
327. Just, uh, not too long ago,Copy !req
328. you were reading and you
were writing, and you were onCopy !req
329. the water polo team.Copy !req
330. And look at us now.Copy !req
331. - Dad...
- Can you please stop?Copy !req
332. This isn't us. This
is not who we are.Copy !req
333. Just, please,
both of you, stop.Copy !req
334. Dad, I'm really sorry
about everything.Copy !req
335. Dad, I'm so...Copy !req
336. I'm really sorry, Dad.Copy !req
337. Nic, what you have...Copy !req
338. you're gonna find it again.Copy !req
339. And you're gonna get it back.Copy !req
340. Ow, ow, ow.Copy !req
341. Nic!Copy !req
342. Nic!Copy !req
343. Nic!Copy !req
344. Nic!Copy !req
345. Nic!Copy !req
346. Hey, Dad.Copy !req
347. Hey.Copy !req
348. How's New York?Copy !req
349. Fine. Good.Copy !req
350. Good interview today.Copy !req
351. - Nice.
- How are you?Copy !req
352. Oh, I'm-I'm doing good. Yeah.Copy !req
353. Yeah? You sure?Copy !req
354. Yeah. I don't... well...Copy !req
355. What?Copy !req
356. It's, uh...Copy !req
357. What's going on?Copy !req
358. Uh, we had this
great group session,Copy !req
359. and one of the guys here was
saying he would do anythingCopy !req
360. for a chance to go to
college, but he can't.Copy !req
361. Okay.
- And when we were talking later, he said,Copy !req
362. "You could still go to
college. Don't be an idiot.Copy !req
363. Go to college."Copy !req
364. I don't know, it's just crazy.Copy !req
365. I realized I don't think
I should stay behind.Copy !req
366. I love writing.Copy !req
367. And I feel like I'm good at it,Copy !req
368. and I do it a lot, but...Copy !req
369. obviously, there's still a lotCopy !req
370. for-for me to learn and...Copy !req
371. Anyway, um...Copy !req
372. I'd love to give it a go, if...Copy !req
373. you know, if it's all
right with you guys.Copy !req
374. Yeah. I'll talk to
Karen and to your mom.Copy !req
375. Back here.Copy !req
376. Have you met your roommate yet?Copy !req
377. Yeah, he seems nice.Copy !req
378. He's just in the hall.Copy !req
379. I feel for you, though.Copy !req
380. Ouch.Copy !req
381. No worries. I'll educate him.Copy !req
382. Before you know it, he'll
be listening to John Zorn.Copy !req
383. Ah.Copy !req
384. Well, I better get going.Copy !req
385. All right.Copy !req
386. - Everything.
- Everything.Copy !req
387. So, this is a poem
by Charles Bukowski.Copy !req
388. Uh, this man saved my life
multiple times, so...Copy !req
389. I changed jobs and cities,Copy !req
390. I hated holidays,Copy !req
391. babies, history,Copy !req
392. newspapers, museums,
grandmothers,Copy !req
393. marriage, movies, spiders...Copy !req
394. I want to see it, I
want to see it! Oh!Copy !req
395. garbage men,Copy !req
396. - English accents...
- Nice. Go, go, go!Copy !req
397. Spain, France,Copy !req
398. Italy, walnuts and
the color orange.Copy !req
399. Algebra angered me,
opera sickened me,Copy !req
400. Charlie Chaplin was a fakeCopy !req
401. and flowers were for pansies.Copy !req
402. Thanks.Copy !req
403. Come here.Copy !req
404. Mm.Copy !req
405. Hi.Copy !req
406. Where's your bathroom?Copy !req
407. Hey, is there a
bathroom I can use?Copy !req
408. Sure, honey.Copy !req
409. I'll show you where it is.
Go right up, to the left.Copy !req
410. - Hey, Dad.
- Hey, Nic.Copy !req
411. How you doing?
What's going on?Copy !req
412. Oh, no, everything's
going great here, yeah.Copy !req
413. Oh, hey, thanks for
sending the money.Copy !req
414. I really appreciate that.Copy !req
415. Yeah,
you always hog the fondue.Copy !req
416. Oh, uh, Patrick and Phil
are going hiking tomorrow,Copy !req
417. so they'd like us to join them.Copy !req
418. Are Jasper and Daisy
here, by any...?Copy !req
419. - They're not here.
- No?Copy !req
420. - No.
- Oh, they didn't want to see me?Copy !req
421. No, they didn't
want to see you.Copy !req
422. Oh, that's tough to hear.Copy !req
423. Uh, well, I'm gonna just
have a seat on this couchCopy !req
424. and think about that, huh?Copy !req
425. - Oh!
- Whoa! Whoa!Copy !req
426. Oh, my God! Oh, my
God, it's Daisy!Copy !req
427. Oh, Jasper!Copy !req
428. Oh, my God, you guys have
gotten so much bigger!Copy !req
429. Oh! Oh, my God,
you're so...!Copy !req
430. - Okay.
- Denmark, 1632.Copy !req
431. - Oh, no.
- We...Copy !req
432. Like to look back at the
history of Hula-Hoops.Copy !req
433. So important
to, uh,Copy !req
434. the culture of
peace and wisdom.Copy !req
435. Um, a man named
George... Hoopulu.Copy !req
436. Was, uh... was, uh...Copy !req
437. And he thought...Copy !req
438. "Well, I'm going toCopy !req
439. develop something that I..."Copy !req
440. Hey.Copy !req
441. Hey. Uh...Copy !req
442. Hey. Um...Copy !req
443. I was wondering, do you think
I could use your car tonight?Copy !req
444. 'Cause I just... I want
to go to a meeting.Copy !req
445. Oh. You got a meeting tonight?Copy !req
446. Yeah, sure.Copy !req
447. Y-You good?Copy !req
448. Yeah. I just...Copy !req
449. - They're crazy.
- Yeah.Copy !req
450. They're really
excited you're home.Copy !req
451. I mean, I'll see you
in the morning, I guess.Copy !req
452. Okay.Copy !req
453. All right.Copy !req
454. Yep! Mm!Copy !req
455. Where is it?Copy !req
456. I don't have it!Copy !req
457. Where is it?Copy !req
458. I don't have it!Copy !req
459. Guys, guys,
guys, guys, guys.Copy !req
460. Where is it?Copy !req
461. Guys, guys, stop it.Copy !req
462. I don't know!Copy !req
463. Stop. Calm down.
What's going on in here?Copy !req
464. She
took my money!Copy !req
465. I didn't.Copy !req
466. Okay, all right.
Come on, go downstairsCopy !req
467. - and see Mommy, all right?
- You took them!Copy !req
468. Don't, don't,
don't. Stop, stop.Copy !req
469. - I didn't take it, Daddy.
- I know you didn't. All right.Copy !req
470. Just go downstairs and
have some breakfast.Copy !req
471. Hey, what happened?Copy !req
472. They're gone.Copy !req
473. Okay. Are you sure
you had it in there?Copy !req
474. - Yeah. I had them yesterday.
- Okay.Copy !req
475. Jasper's savings disappeared.Copy !req
476. Yeah? That's weird.Copy !req
477. Did you take his eight dollars?Copy !req
478. What?Copy !req
479. You heard me.Copy !req
480. Why would I?Copy !req
481. It disappeared, and somebody
has to have done it.Copy !req
482. Right, so it's me.Copy !req
483. This is fucking ridiculous.Copy !req
484. Are you using again?Copy !req
485. Am I using again? No.Copy !req
486. Are you high right now?Copy !req
487. What the f...? No.Copy !req
488. - Fuck you.
- "Fuck you"?Copy !req
489. Don't talk to me that way.Copy !req
490. Are you high right now?Copy !req
491. No.Copy !req
492. You're not using right now?Copy !req
493. Are you using?Copy !req
494. No, Dad, I'm not
fucking high right now!Copy !req
495. Okay.Copy !req
496. Listen, it was a gamble
to send you to college.Copy !req
497. Everybody supported it.Copy !req
498. I'm glad that you went.Copy !req
499. Relapse is a part of rec...Copy !req
500. Relapse is part of recovery.Copy !req
501. - So we're gonna get...
- I better leave.Copy !req
502. - David?
- Hey.Copy !req
503. Just... where-where
are you gonna go?Copy !req
504. You can't just leave.
This is ridiculous.Copy !req
505. - Come on.
- Will you talk to us?Copy !req
506. I mean, really... we just
want to talk to you.Copy !req
507. Why don't... Try to
help us understand.Copy !req
508. - Or just let us help you.
- All right?Copy !req
509. I don't want your fucking help.
Don't you understand that?Copy !req
510. - No.
- No, you don't. Jesus Christ,Copy !req
511. then what the fuck is
wrong with you, then, huh?Copy !req
512. What the hell is wrong
with you people?Copy !req
513. Nic.Copy !req
514. - No! You fucking suffocate me.
- Hey.Copy !req
515. - Oh...
- You fucking suffocate me!Copy !req
516. Whoa, it's us?
We're the problem?Copy !req
517. No. You know what, you're
the one who's doing it!Copy !req
518. You're the one
who's causing it!Copy !req
519. And you're the only
one who can stop it!Copy !req
520. Fucking solve it!Copy !req
521. Fuck!Copy !req
522. Fuck!Copy !req
523. So, this is for the, uh,Copy !req
524. "New York Times Magazine"?Copy !req
525. Oh, no.Copy !req
526. I'm a... I-I write.Copy !req
527. I freelance for
different magazines,Copy !req
528. but this is... this
is a personal matter.Copy !req
529. - A personal matter?
- Yes. I'm sorry.Copy !req
530. Is that okay?
- Uh, no, it's absolutely okay.Copy !req
531. May I ask what-what
this is regarding?Copy !req
532. Uh, it's about my son.Copy !req
533. Okay.Copy !req
534. He's been
doing all sorts of drugs,Copy !req
535. but he's addicted
to crystal meth,Copy !req
536. which seems, uh, to be
the worst of all of them.Copy !req
537. And I guess I'm hereCopy !req
538. because I just want to
know all that I canCopy !req
539. about all of it.Copy !req
540. So, uh, crystal meth, uh,Copy !req
541. gives the user a feeling
of instant euphoria...Copy !req
542. at least, when he takes it.Copy !req
543. You know, but when
it wears off,Copy !req
544. with a depletion
of as much as 60%Copy !req
545. of the dopamine, the user
has to up the doses.Copy !req
546. He has to double it, triple
it just to feel something,Copy !req
547. causing even more nerve damage,Copy !req
548. which, uh, increases
the compulsion to use.Copy !req
549. Horrible cycle.Copy !req
550. - What's up?
- Hey.Copy !req
551. Just doing some research.Copy !req
552. Hi.Copy !req
553. Are you hungry?Copy !req
554. You want to get something?Copy !req
555. Most guys just ask me for
a blow job.Copy !req
556. Oh, no. No, I'm just
offering something to eat.Copy !req
557. Maybe talk a little,
if you're up to it.Copy !req
558. Meth
changes the brain physically.Copy !req
559. Here we see the loss
of dopamine receptorsCopy !req
560. in a meth user's brain.Copy !req
561. Now, I'm gonna show you
something else here.Copy !req
562. Do you see, uh, right here
there are these two red, uh...Copy !req
563. - large, red spots right here?
- Yeah.Copy !req
564. Okay, what that shows is
hyperactivity in the amygdala.Copy !req
565. And the amygdala is a
region of the brainCopy !req
566. that is linked with
anxiety and fear.Copy !req
567. Here the amygdala is screaming.Copy !req
568. What this shows usCopy !req
569. is that there is a
biological basis,Copy !req
570. uh, that meth users
may be unable...Copy !req
571. not unwilling, but unable...Copy !req
572. to participate in normal
treatment programs.Copy !req
573. I was in rehab, too.Copy !req
574. Three times.Copy !req
575. Ran away every time.Copy !req
576. Why?Copy !req
577. It was hell.Copy !req
578. Wanted to die.Copy !req
579. Why was it hell?Copy !req
580. All that God shit.Copy !req
581. Also, you just don't
know how good it getsCopy !req
582. when it gets good.Copy !req
583. It's hard to explain.Copy !req
584. Feels like cocaineCopy !req
585. but multiplied by,
like, a thousand.Copy !req
586. Or, like, a million.Copy !req
587. What does
this mean for Nic?Copy !req
588. Look, Mr. Sheff, I...Copy !req
589. I don't know who
promised you what,Copy !req
590. but the success percentage
is in the single digits.Copy !req
591. Okay.Copy !req
592. What about your parents?Copy !req
593. What about them?Copy !req
594. Don't you think they're
worried about you?Copy !req
595. Shouldn't you...Copy !req
596. let them know that...Copy !req
597. They don't care.Copy !req
598. Well, I think they do.Copy !req
599. What the fuck do you know?Copy !req
600. I gotta go.Copy !req
601. Oh. Okay.Copy !req
602. Thanks.Copy !req
603. - Hey!
- Hey! Hey, now!Copy !req
604. God.Copy !req
605. I'm gonna
try some Klingon on you.Copy !req
606. Ready?Copy !req
607. - You know what I said?
- May I have a Coca-Cola?Copy !req
608. Exactly.Copy !req
609. That's it.Copy !req
610. That's exactly what I asked.Copy !req
611. Can I have a Coca-Cola?Copy !req
612. All right. If you
ask me in Klingon,Copy !req
613. maybe I'll get you a Coke.Copy !req
614. Hey.Copy !req
615. Oh, wow.Copy !req
616. This hasn't
changed at all.Copy !req
617. This place.Copy !req
618. - Hey.
- So, how you doing?Copy !req
619. I'm doing great.Copy !req
620. You know, just, um...Copy !req
621. um...Copy !req
622. just doing what
needs to be done.Copy !req
623. What does that mean?Copy !req
624. Just being responsible
for myself and...Copy !req
625. I've quit on my own,
you know, so...Copy !req
626. I got five days now.Copy !req
627. I feel like I'm doing well,
but I just need, um...Copy !req
628. I just need a few
hundred bucks, though.Copy !req
629. Nic, I can't give
you any money.Copy !req
630. Yeah.Copy !req
631. Okay.Copy !req
632. It's just 200 bucks.
I just need, um...Copy !req
633. I just need to get
some shit together.Copy !req
634. I want to go to New York.Copy !req
635. - New York?
- Yeah.Copy !req
636. I need to get out
of San Francisco.Copy !req
637. There's too Many...Copy !req
638. All these
fucking bad vibes hereCopy !req
639. all the time.Copy !req
640. Yeah, I just need a
few hundred bucks.Copy !req
641. Why don't we just
have lunch and talk?Copy !req
642. - We can do that, right?
- Mm. Hmm.Copy !req
643. How... how's Karen and,
uh... and the kids?Copy !req
644. Okay. They ask about you.Copy !req
645. It's their step-up next week,
and I know they'd love you...Copy !req
646. Dad, you're, uh... you're
guilt-tripping me, all right?Copy !req
647. No, I'm just saying...Copy !req
648. I should feel horrible
about myself.Copy !req
649. I know they wanted you
to be there, that's all.Copy !req
650. I'm sorry, Dad.Copy !req
651. Um... I just need some
fucking money, all right?Copy !req
652. So please just give me
some fucking money.Copy !req
653. And then what?
Where does this end?Copy !req
654. This is... I got to
see this one through.Copy !req
655. This is kind of working
out for me right now.Copy !req
656. - I got five days sober.
- It doesn't lookCopy !req
657. like it's working out, Nic.Copy !req
658. Oh, it doesn't look
like it's working out?Copy !req
659. So what, then, therapy? Huh?
- No.Copy !req
660. - You can come home.
- No.Copy !req
661. - That wouldn't...
- We'll make it work. Please.Copy !req
662. Nic.Copy !req
663. Please.Copy !req
664. - I've been doing some research.
- Been doing fucking research?Copy !req
665. - You got to be kidding me, Dad.
- No...Copy !req
666. You think that you have
this under control.Copy !req
667. Mm-hmm.
- And I understand how scared you are.Copy !req
668. I understand why I do
things... it doesn't make meCopy !req
669. any different, all right?
I'm attracted to craziness.Copy !req
670. And you're just embarrassed,
'cause I was, like, you know...Copy !req
671. I was, like, this
amazing thing,Copy !req
672. like, your special
creation or something,Copy !req
673. - and you don't like who I am now.
- Yeah?Copy !req
674. - Who are you, Nic?
- This is me, Dad.Copy !req
675. Here. This is who I am.Copy !req
676. You don't like what you see?Copy !req
677. You know, the more
I think about it...Copy !req
678. Mom should've gotten custody.Copy !req
679. Because you always
gotta be fuckingCopy !req
680. controlling everything
all the time.Copy !req
681. You're allowed to be mad at
me, Nic. I made mistakes.Copy !req
682. I understand that. I wish
that I hadn't, but I did.Copy !req
683. But, God, what you're
saying right nowCopy !req
684. - doesn't make any sense.
- You're doing this right now!Copy !req
685. You're fucking controlling
me right now!Copy !req
686. It's not you. It is not you,
Nic. It is the drugs talking.Copy !req
687. What does that even
fucking mean, huh?Copy !req
688. Psychological terror.Copy !req
689. It's what addicts do.Copy !req
690. What the fuck are you doing
right now, huh?Copy !req
691. What is this? What
are you doing, huh?Copy !req
692. Oh,Copy !req
693. I didn't want it to go
like this.Copy !req
694. All right.Copy !req
695. I should go, Dad.Copy !req
696. Let me... let me book
you a room.Copy !req
697. No, Dad.Copy !req
698. At a hotel for a couple
of nights.Copy !req
699. No. Dad...Copy !req
700. Why don't we just go get
some food?Copy !req
701. Dad, I should go.Copy !req
702. Can you say good-bye, at least?Copy !req
703. Bye, Dad.Copy !req
704. Where does he sleep?Copy !req
705. Um, don't
worry about that, sweetie.Copy !req
706. He's fine.Copy !req
707. Um...Copy !req
708. maybe he has a friend
and he sleeps there.Copy !req
709. - Mm-hmm. Yeah. Maybe.
- Dolphin.Copy !req
710. - Hope so.
- Need "E."Copy !req
711. Elephant.Copy !req
712. - Can I call him?
- Hmm.Copy !req
713. No. I tried.Copy !req
714. - His phone's disconnected.
- Can I send him a message?Copy !req
715. Maybe he'll get lonely and
turn his phone back on?Copy !req
716. That's a good idea.Copy !req
717. Yeah. Let's try that.Copy !req
718. Dave.Copy !req
719. - Yeah?
- Okay. Let's go.Copy !req
720. Hey, Dave, close your eyes.Copy !req
721. Okay.Copy !req
722. And... open 'em!Copy !req
723. Oh. Wow.Copy !req
724. Wow!Copy !req
725. Hello?Copy !req
726. This is Julie Ford at the
Bellevue Hospital in New York.Copy !req
727. Is Nic Sheff your son?Copy !req
728. Uh, Mr. Sheff,Copy !req
729. I'm sorry we missed
each other earlier.Copy !req
730. So, Nic is still experiencing
some respiratory depression,Copy !req
731. but his vital signs
are returning.Copy !req
732. Sir, we're ready for departure.Copy !req
733. Okay, okay.Copy !req
734. Um... may I talk to him?Copy !req
735. No, that won't be possible.Copy !req
736. Sir, I need you to
turn off the phone.Copy !req
737. Believe me, we
shouldn't wake him up.Copy !req
738. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
739. Try again in a few
hours, though, okay?Copy !req
740. Okay. Uh, would you let
him know that...Copy !req
741. Sir. Sir. Please.Copy !req
742. Would you please let
him know that I'm on my way?Copy !req
743. He checked out.Copy !req
744. What?Copy !req
745. Against doctor's orders.Copy !req
746. - No, no, he O.D.'d.
- I'm sorry, sir.Copy !req
747. He pulled out the I.V.
and catheter, and left.Copy !req
748. How long ago?Copy !req
749. Ten to 15 minutes.Copy !req
750. I'm sorry, sir.Copy !req
751. Yes.Copy !req
752. Look,
I've thought about it,Copy !req
753. and I'm done with drugs.Copy !req
754. This is it.Copy !req
755. I'm telling you, Dad.Copy !req
756. I'm done.Copy !req
757. And how would that work?Copy !req
758. I mean, after what
just happened.Copy !req
759. Now, if
you're in the area,Copy !req
760. evacuation orders and details,Copy !req
761. including relocation
centers, can be found on...Copy !req
762. So, at
3:00, we have a conference callCopy !req
763. with the intake people
in Mississippi.Copy !req
764. That's
all for now.Copy !req
765. 3:30, the
one in New Mexico.Copy !req
766. And 4:00, the one in Oregon.Copy !req
767. I did some research
on the one in New Mexico.Copy !req
768. Mm-hmm.
- They charge $40,000 a month.Copy !req
769. You know, it's not
even that well rated.Copy !req
770. We'll just skip that one.Copy !req
771. Listen, if a spot
opens up here in Los Angeles,Copy !req
772. Maybe that's the best
solution for now.Copy !req
773. I'll hear back from
them in an hour.Copy !req
774. Mm.Copy !req
775. Give it a rest, David.Copy !req
776. Why don't you let me
take over for now?Copy !req
777. Mm.Copy !req
778. Dad?Copy !req
779. Yeah.Copy !req
780. Will you check
on me every 15 minutes?Copy !req
781. Yes.Copy !req
782. Do you want to bring one
of your dinosaurs, too?Copy !req
783. How about a book?Copy !req
784. No? Okay.Copy !req
785. Hey. Hey.Copy !req
786. Can I have a hug?Copy !req
787. No?Copy !req
788. Why not?Copy !req
789. Are you mad at me?Copy !req
790. 'Cause you have to go?Copy !req
791. Okay.Copy !req
792. Well... you'll be happy to
see Mommy, though, right?Copy !req
793. I want you to know something.Copy !req
794. When you come back,
I'm gonna be here...Copy !req
795. right... I'm gonna be
right here for you.Copy !req
796. Okay?Copy !req
797. And call me when you miss
me, and I'll call you.Copy !req
798. Do you know how
much I love you?Copy !req
799. If you could take all the
words in the language,Copy !req
800. it still wouldn't describe
how much I love you.Copy !req
801. And if you could gather
all those words together,Copy !req
802. it still wouldn't describe
what I feel for you.Copy !req
803. What I feel for
you is everything.Copy !req
804. I love you more
than everything.Copy !req
805. Everything?Copy !req
806. Yeah, everything.Copy !req
807. Hey.Copy !req
808. That's my mom.Copy !req
809. I'm really glad
you came to L.A.Copy !req
810. You know that, right?Copy !req
811. You just don't
know what it is to be...Copy !req
812. - Please don't do this, Mom.
- Okay.Copy !req
813. I'm
sorry. Okay.Copy !req
814. All I could think
about was you.Copy !req
815. I know this must sound
meaningless, but I'm sorry.Copy !req
816. I'm-I'm sorry.Copy !req
817. Oh, Nicky.Copy !req
818. You are such a darling.Copy !req
819. You know that, right?Copy !req
820. Whew.Copy !req
821. Hey, come on, old!Copy !req
822. - You're being so disrespectful.
- I'm not being disrespectful.Copy !req
823. You're being so disrespectful.Copy !req
824. - I'm coming for you!
- Oh, motherfucker!Copy !req
825. Uh-huh. You about to
look at my ass, baby!Copy !req
826. You about to look at my ass!Copy !req
827. Fuck.Copy !req
828. That's what I get for helping.Copy !req
829. Why'd you pull that hard?Copy !req
830. - I'm sorry.
- Why do you hate me?Copy !req
831. How does this feel?Copy !req
832. Like I'm a real human being.Copy !req
833. One day,
I tried methamphetamine...Copy !req
834. Yeah. That felt good.Copy !req
835. and I thought,Copy !req
836. "This is what's been missing."Copy !req
837. I felt complete.Copy !req
838. Today's
a good day.Copy !req
839. Yeah, I've been
chasing that highCopy !req
840. ever since.Copy !req
841. No matter...Copy !req
842. how much meth...Copy !req
843. or whatever else I can find
to shoot up into my body...Copy !req
844. I do, it's never enough.Copy !req
845. And I went to a
couple of rehabs,Copy !req
846. I detoxed,Copy !req
847. they would talk
about disease, sure,Copy !req
848. but...Copy !req
849. it never clicked.Copy !req
850. Until one day I woke
up in a hospitalCopy !req
851. and someone asked me,Copy !req
852. "What's your problem?"Copy !req
853. And I said, "I'm an
alcoholic and an addict."Copy !req
854. And he said...Copy !req
855. "No, that's how you've been
treating your problem."Copy !req
856. Mm-hmm.
- That's right.Copy !req
857. I know now I need to find a wayCopy !req
858. to fill this...Copy !req
859. big...Copy !req
860. black hole in me.Copy !req
861. Anyway, so...Copy !req
862. I'm 14 months clean.Copy !req
863. I have a job at a rehab.Copy !req
864. It's fulfilling to help
other people get sober.Copy !req
865. I have a sponsor, Spencer.Copy !req
866. Shows me how great
my life can be sober.Copy !req
867. And, um, I still have family.Copy !req
868. My mom's been amazing.Copy !req
869. My dad's been amazing, too.Copy !req
870. I want them to be proud of me.Copy !req
871. You all right?Copy !req
872. What's wrong? You nervous?Copy !req
873. Yeah.Copy !req
874. Thank you
for marrying me.Copy !req
875. Thank you for being
a perfect partnerCopy !req
876. in an imperfect world.Copy !req
877. Thank you for introducing
me to your amazing son.Copy !req
878. Uh, I'm here for you,Copy !req
879. and I'm here to stay.Copy !req
880. Karen,
thank you...Copy !req
881. for loving me.Copy !req
882. And thank you for loving him.Copy !req
883. Looks him square in the eye,
and he says, "Superman..."Copy !req
884. Perfect.Copy !req
885. - Hey, good to see you.
- Good to see you.Copy !req
886. Hey, Daisy. Hey, Daisy!Copy !req
887. Hey, Jazzy Jeff.Copy !req
888. What's going on?Copy !req
889. Hey, I miss you moreCopy !req
890. than the sun misses
the moon at night.Copy !req
891. Mm.Copy !req
892. - Hey, Karen.
- Hey.Copy !req
893. Thank you for inviting me.Copy !req
894. Seriously.Copy !req
895. Go, Daisy! Go, Daisy!
Go, Daisy! Go, Daisy!Copy !req
896. Go, Daisy!Copy !req
897. Hey, honey.Copy !req
898. Go, Daisy, go!Copy !req
899. Nice.Copy !req
900. Oh! Ah, you!Copy !req
901. It's Daisy!Copy !req
902. Whoa!Copy !req
903. "If
the marker is depletedCopy !req
904. "in meth addicts' brains,Copy !req
905. "it's likely there is a
loss of nerve terminalsCopy !req
906. "and the brain damage
is irreversible.Copy !req
907. "However, when I
tested for VMAT2,Copy !req
908. - I found normal levels."
- So that's optimistic.Copy !req
909. Normal levels
is optimistic, yeah.Copy !req
910. It's...Copy !req
911. - It is.
- Okay.Copy !req
912. - No. I'm not...
- I was just checking.Copy !req
913. - No, no, that's good.
- Okay.Copy !req
914. Basically...Copy !req
915. the fried...Copy !req
916. Nic's fried nerve endingsCopy !req
917. can grow back.Copy !req
918. They say it can take
two years, but...Copy !req
919. - Two years?
- Yeah.Copy !req
920. But that's great, David.Copy !req
921. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
922. - You're kind of late.
- Yeah. It was a great meeting,Copy !req
923. and after, we went to
the speaker's houseCopy !req
924. and watched a video and...Copy !req
925. saw my sober sponsee
bros earlier, so...Copy !req
926. No phone?Copy !req
927. Oh, my cell was dead.Copy !req
928. Would you be okay
to do a drug test?Copy !req
929. Yeah, I mean, sure.Copy !req
930. Okay.Copy !req
931. You understand why, right?Copy !req
932. Yeah. I mean, I should've
called to let you know, so...Copy !req
933. I trust you... we just need
to have some sort of proof.Copy !req
934. That's about as
contradictory as it gets.Copy !req
935. - But...
- I know. I know.Copy !req
936. I'll do it. No worries.Copy !req
937. Nothing to hide.Copy !req
938. Okay.Copy !req
939. Hey, you're doing great.Copy !req
940. You really are.Copy !req
941. By my count, 485 days clean.Copy !req
942. Wow. Come on, that's...Copy !req
943. I'll just leave it in the
bathroom, right? Okay.Copy !req
944. All right.Copy !req
945. - Good night, Dad.
- Good night.Copy !req
946. - I love you.
- I love you, too.Copy !req
947. All right, Jasper,
you ready?Copy !req
948. Yep. Let's go,
let's go, let's go.Copy !req
949. Hey. No, no, no, wait.Copy !req
950. Jasper, I don't want you
to go out there.Copy !req
951. What? Mom, we
won't go far, I swear!Copy !req
952. The waves are too
big. It's too dangerous.Copy !req
953. But I am a great swimmer.Copy !req
954. I've been in waves
way bigger than this.Copy !req
955. Yes, I know that, but
I don't want you to...Copy !req
956. - Yeah, I'll stay close.
- Nic will stay close,Copy !req
957. you see?Copy !req
958. Karen, I'm
gonna stay...Copy !req
959. - I'll stay close.
- Nic can go in.Copy !req
960. That's fine. You, no.Copy !req
961. And that is final.Copy !req
962. We'll
see about that.Copy !req
963. - Hey!
- Okay. It's fine.Copy !req
964. It's fine.Copy !req
965. Should we just play
a game instead?Copy !req
966. - Uh...
- Yeah?Copy !req
967. Are you a hurfboard?Copy !req
968. - No.
- No?Copy !req
969. Are you a hicycle?Copy !req
970. - No.
- No?Copy !req
971. Okay. Uh, are you edible?Copy !req
972. Not really.Copy !req
973. - Not really?
- Not really.Copy !req
974. So, sort of.Copy !req
975. So, um...Copy !req
976. are you a house?Copy !req
977. Yes. How did you know?Copy !req
978. You know,Copy !req
979. I can read your mind.Copy !req
980. - Ooh...
- Ooh...Copy !req
981. I know you're a great swimmer.Copy !req
982. I'm gonna be there to cheer
for you at your next swim meet.Copy !req
983. How does that sound?Copy !req
984. Yeah?Copy !req
985. Okay.Copy !req
986. Hey, is it weird to see
me after all this time?Copy !req
987. Or no?Copy !req
988. - I guess it was, at first.
- OkayCopy !req
989. I thought you might be
different.Copy !req
990. But you're just
the same old Nic.Copy !req
991. - That was a great weekend.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
992. Go, Nic!Copy !req
993. Bye, Nic! Bye, Nic!Copy !req
994. Bye, Nic!Copy !req
995. One day at a time, Man.Copy !req
996. Congratulations. Welcome
to the real world.Copy !req
997. Oh, I don't want to
live in the real world.Copy !req
998. I'm so sick of living in it.Copy !req
999. That's your disease
talking to you, Man.Copy !req
1000. - Oh, I'm trying.
- By trying to isolate you.Copy !req
1001. Trying to kill you.
You know this, Man.Copy !req
1002. I don't feel like I have
a disease, Spencer.Copy !req
1003. I feel like...Copy !req
1004. - Well, you got to.
- This isn't like fucking cancer.Copy !req
1005. This is my fucking choice.
I put myself here.Copy !req
1006. Yeah, you did. You did
put yourself there.Copy !req
1007. Are you gonna let
me talk or what?Copy !req
1008. Okay? Like, you're a
writer, right? So write.Copy !req
1009. You're good at it. This is
your day. This is a choice.Copy !req
1010. - What do you want to do now?
- Fucking...Copy !req
1011. Once you get high, you
lose all your choices.Copy !req
1012. - If you get high, you lose everything.
- Right.Copy !req
1013. All right, so you got to
keep choosing the right way.Copy !req
1014. - Right.
- That's right.Copy !req
1015. You choose the right way.Copy !req
1016. Right. All right, hey, listen,Copy !req
1017. I'm gonna give you a
call later, all right?Copy !req
1018. Uh, I-I feel like I'm
gonna do all right.Copy !req
1019. You blowing me off now?Copy !req
1020. You gonna call me
and waste my time?Copy !req
1021. Don't waste my time.
I'm here for you, Man.Copy !req
1022. You know what, look, I'm
having some steaks tonight.Copy !req
1023. Why don't you come
over for dinner.Copy !req
1024. - All right, I'll see you then.
- You...Copy !req
1025. That sounds great.
I'll see you then.Copy !req
1026. - Yo, Nic, Nic.
- Yes, sir. I'll see you then.Copy !req
1027. - Nic...
- All right, bye-bye.Copy !req
1028. Nic Sheff.Copy !req
1029. Lauren. What?Copy !req
1030. What are you...Copy !req
1031. Wow, it's been a long time.Copy !req
1032. What-what are you doing here?Copy !req
1033. Just, uh...Copy !req
1034. What?Copy !req
1035. I've been sober for a while,Copy !req
1036. but I'm seriously looking
to party right now.Copy !req
1037. I got what you need. We
have E, we have pills, Man.Copy !req
1038. We have E. I told
you, I told you.Copy !req
1039. Can you get me a cup
of water and a spoon?Copy !req
1040. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
1041. All right.Copy !req
1042. - Mm-hmm.
- All right.Copy !req
1043. - Here you go.
- Thank you.Copy !req
1044. Cotton and a spoon.Copy !req
1045. Mmm.Copy !req
1046. All right, that's it.Copy !req
1047. That's it.Copy !req
1048. Wow.Copy !req
1049. Your call has been forwardedCopy !req
1050. to an automated voice
messaging system.Copy !req
1051. At the tone, please
record your message.Copy !req
1052. It's Dad again.Copy !req
1053. I feel like you might
have been a little downCopy !req
1054. when you left, Nic, so I'm
here to talk if you need to.Copy !req
1055. All right.Copy !req
1056. So you have no
idea where he is?Copy !req
1057. Uh, Spencer told
me he heard from him.Copy !req
1058. He was having a difficult time,
but he was pulling through.Copy !req
1059. But, yeah, he's not at
work, he's not at home.Copy !req
1060. - He's unreachable on his cell.
- Damn it. Damn it. Vicki,Copy !req
1061. he left here two days ago.
Why didn't you check on him?Copy !req
1062. You're supposed to be taking
care of this kid, right?Copy !req
1063. What the fuck, David?Copy !req
1064. Who's been taking care
of him the last year?Copy !req
1065. Well, you could've
checked on him.Copy !req
1066. I mean, what the fuck
is your problem?Copy !req
1067. What do you think I do all day?Copy !req
1068. Besides, we can't run
surveillance on him 24/7.Copy !req
1069. I think you need to go
to the police right nowCopy !req
1070. and file a missing
persons report, okay?Copy !req
1071. - Stop yelling at me!
- No, I'm not gonna stopCopy !req
1072. - yelling at you, Vicki.
- I hate it when you do that.Copy !req
1073. - Because you're just...
- You're totally crazy.Copy !req
1074. What are you even doing there?Copy !req
1075. - Fucking unfair, David!
- No, no! Listen to me!Copy !req
1076. What are...Copy !req
1077. Damn.Copy !req
1078. Fuck!Copy !req
1079. Dave?Copy !req
1080. Could you call my
phone, please?Copy !req
1081. What's going on?Copy !req
1082. He's gone.Copy !req
1083. How do we even
know he's in L.A.?Copy !req
1084. I mean, he could be in San
Francisco. He could be...Copy !req
1085. he could be in fucking
Mexico, for all we know.Copy !req
1086. I need to go.Copy !req
1087. Yeah, but I need you to stay.Copy !req
1088. Well, Vicki can't
handle it like I...Copy !req
1089. I don't care about Vicki.
This isn't about Vicki.Copy !req
1090. Okay, why don't you just relax
and try to be reasonable.Copy !req
1091. - What? You be reasonable.
- I am being reasonable.Copy !req
1092. Is this reasonable?Copy !req
1093. No! It's not!Copy !req
1094. How can I be?Copy !req
1095. My son is out there somewhere,Copy !req
1096. and I don't know
what he's doing!Copy !req
1097. I don't know how to help him!Copy !req
1098. You can't!Copy !req
1099. I can't sleep.Copy !req
1100. You can't sleep?Copy !req
1101. I can't sleep.Copy !req
1102. Okay.Copy !req
1103. Good night, Daddy.Copy !req
1104. Good night.Copy !req
1105. Let go!Copy !req
1106. Airplane flying!Copy !req
1107. Fly away! Fly!Copy !req
1108. No. Uh-uh. Come on, not
you. Come on.Copy !req
1109. Hold on.Copy !req
1110. - Get back in. Guys, come on.
- Hold on. Hold on, honey.Copy !req
1111. - Wait.
- Good dog.Copy !req
1112. I thought Nic was
gonna be here today.Copy !req
1113. Uh, no. Something came up.Copy !req
1114. Can I call him?Copy !req
1115. No, no. You can't.Copy !req
1116. It's not gonna be possible.Copy !req
1117. Why not?Copy !req
1118. Because it's not.Copy !req
1119. Is Nic back on drugs again?Copy !req
1120. All right.Copy !req
1121. Come on,
Jasper! Whup.Copy !req
1122. Yup.Copy !req
1123. You got it?Copy !req
1124. Oh, fuck. Okay.
Hey, Lauren.Copy !req
1125. - Lauren, let's go.
- What?Copy !req
1126. We got to go.Copy !req
1127. - What's going on?
- Here.Copy !req
1128. We got to go.Copy !req
1129. Fine.Copy !req
1130. I think I just saw Nic.Copy !req
1131. What?Copy !req
1132. I think I just saw Nic
and a girl running away.Copy !req
1133. Nic.Copy !req
1134. Uh, no.
Stay inside.Copy !req
1135. - Okay.
- No.Copy !req
1136. All right, no. Stay inside!
I am not kidding, all right?Copy !req
1137. Stay there.Copy !req
1138. Okay.Copy !req
1139. Shit. Never again.Copy !req
1140. - It's okay. Hey.
- What do we do? What do we do?Copy !req
1141. It's all right.Copy !req
1142. That was so terrible.Copy !req
1143. Oh, fuck!Copy !req
1144. Nic? Nic? Nic!Copy !req
1145. Oh...Copy !req
1146. Oh. No. No. No.Copy !req
1147. Come on!Copy !req
1148. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
1149. Okay. Okay.Copy !req
1150. 911. What is your emergency?Copy !req
1151. Yeah. Hi. Uh, I got a f...
I'm-I'm with a friend.Copy !req
1152. She just O.D.'d, and, uh,Copy !req
1153. I need an ambulance,
I need some help.Copy !req
1154. Sir, do you know CPR?Copy !req
1155. Yeah, I'm doing it
right now. I just...Copy !req
1156. Uh, we... You-you guys, you
got to send an ambulance,Copy !req
1157. - too, all right?
- What is your location?Copy !req
1158. Yeah, I don't know.Copy !req
1159. Y-You-you guys are gonna
have to trace the call.Copy !req
1160. Hello?Copy !req
1161. Hello? Sir, are
you still there?Copy !req
1162. Sir?Copy !req
1163. Sir? Sir?Copy !req
1164. Look up.Copy !req
1165. Honey, look up for me.Copy !req
1166. Can you look up
this way over here?Copy !req
1167. Hey, look, we're gonna need
to take you to the ER.Copy !req
1168. I-I don't... I don't
want to. I-I...Copy !req
1169. - We need to take you to the ER.
- I'm fine.Copy !req
1170. She doesn't want to go
to the ER. She's...Copy !req
1171. She's... No, she's not
okay. We need to take herCopy !req
1172. - to the ER.
- But she doesn't want to go.Copy !req
1173. No, sir, she needs to go!Copy !req
1174. Okay?Copy !req
1175. You have a problem with that,
I can inform the police.Copy !req
1176. Goddamn it.Copy !req
1177. You're gonna come
and meet me, right?Copy !req
1178. - Yes. Yes!
- You promise?Copy !req
1179. I love you.Copy !req
1180. I love you, too.Copy !req
1181. You promise you're
gonna meet me?Copy !req
1182. Yes, Lauren. I'll
come fucking meet you.Copy !req
1183. What do you want from me?Copy !req
1184. - Okay, okay.
- Jesus fucking Christ.Copy !req
1185. David Sheff.Copy !req
1186. Hey, Dad. It's me.Copy !req
1187. - Nic?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1188. Please don't hate me, Dad.Copy !req
1189. I know I did wrong.Copy !req
1190. I want to stop, but
please, please, please,Copy !req
1191. please, please, please
no rehab, all right?Copy !req
1192. Just let me come
home. You know what?Copy !req
1193. I realize it's actually
I... I-I need to be home.Copy !req
1194. You guys, you guys are gonna
give me the strength to stop.Copy !req
1195. All right?Copy !req
1196. That's not going to happen.Copy !req
1197. I wish that I could help you,Copy !req
1198. but I can't do that.Copy !req
1199. I c... I can't.Copy !req
1200. Oh, please help me, Dad.Copy !req
1201. No, Dad.
I just need a little bitCopy !req
1202. of help.Copy !req
1203. Please help me. I
want to come home.Copy !req
1204. All I can tell you is
what you already know.Copy !req
1205. Dad, why aren't you
fucking listening to me?Copy !req
1206. Call your sponsor.Copy !req
1207. I don't want
to talk to my sponsor now.Copy !req
1208. - I want to talk toy you.
- Get help.Copy !req
1209. - I love you.
- Dad, what...Copy !req
1210. And I hope that you get
your life together.Copy !req
1211. I love you, too.Copy !req
1212. I love you.Copy !req
1213. Hello.Copy !req
1214. Nicolas called.Copy !req
1215. He sounds desperate.Copy !req
1216. Gonna die if we
don't do anything.Copy !req
1217. Well...Copy !req
1218. he's gonna die even if we do.Copy !req
1219. Nothing we do has
any effect on him.Copy !req
1220. I failed.Copy !req
1221. I know you
feel ashamed, okay?Copy !req
1222. So do I.Copy !req
1223. But you have done great, David.Copy !req
1224. And Karen, too, so
thank you for that.Copy !req
1225. You were up for
it when I wasn't,Copy !req
1226. and I'm not giving up now.Copy !req
1227. Never.Copy !req
1228. But I can't do it alone.Copy !req
1229. I need your help.Copy !req
1230. I don't think you can
save people, Vicki.Copy !req
1231. You can be there
for them, can't you?Copy !req
1232. Look at this.Copy !req
1233. I'm done.Copy !req
1234. - Oh.
- Okay? I...Copy !req
1235. Okay.Copy !req
1236. Hey, everybody.Copy !req
1237. Time to get together.Copy !req
1238. I... I had a rough week.Copy !req
1239. Some of you know,
some of you don't.Copy !req
1240. I, um...Copy !req
1241. I lost my Frances this week.Copy !req
1242. She died of an
overdose on Sunday.Copy !req
1243. So...Copy !req
1244. I guess I'm in
mourning, but I-I...Copy !req
1245. I realized something else.Copy !req
1246. I've actually been in
mourning for years.Copy !req
1247. 'Cause even when she
was alive, she...Copy !req
1248. she wasn't there.Copy !req
1249. When you mourn the living,Copy !req
1250. that's a hard way to live.Copy !req
1251. And so, in...Copy !req
1252. in a way, it's-it's...Copy !req
1253. it's better, I guess.Copy !req
1254. She was a
dear, dear young woman.Copy !req
1255. I always felt...Copy !req
1256. I needed to... to stay strong,Copy !req
1257. that there'd be
some future event,Copy !req
1258. and I'd... I'd need
all my strength for it.Copy !req
1259. But there are no
events after this one.Copy !req
1260. I hope she's not in pain now.Copy !req
1261. Bye, Frances.Copy !req
1262. Hey.Copy !req
1263. Hi.Copy !req
1264. How's he doing?Copy !req
1265. The doctor's with him now.Copy !req
1266. He said it's close to a miracleCopy !req
1267. Nic survived with all
the drugs in his body.Copy !req
1268. Either peace
or happiness,Copy !req
1269. let it enfold you.Copy !req
1270. When I was a young man,
I felt that these thingsCopy !req
1271. were dumb, unsophisticated.Copy !req
1272. I had bad blood,
a twisted mind,Copy !req
1273. a precarious upbringing.Copy !req
1274. I was hard as granite.Copy !req
1275. I leered at the sun.Copy !req
1276. I trusted no man and
especially no woman.Copy !req
1277. I was living a hell
in small rooms.Copy !req
1278. I broke things,
smashed things,Copy !req
1279. walked through glass, cursed.Copy !req
1280. I challenged everything,Copy !req
1281. was continually being
evicted, jailed,Copy !req
1282. in and out of fights,
in and out of my mind.Copy !req
1283. Women were something
to screw and rail at.Copy !req
1284. I had no male friends.Copy !req
1285. I changed jobs and cities.Copy !req
1286. I hated holidays,
babies, history,Copy !req
1287. newspapers, museums,
grandmothers,Copy !req
1288. marriage, movies,
spiders, garbagemen,Copy !req
1289. English accents,
Spain, France, Italy,Copy !req
1290. walnuts and the color orange.Copy !req
1291. Algebra angered me.Copy !req
1292. Opera sickened me.Copy !req
1293. Charlie Chaplin was a fake.Copy !req
1294. And flowers were for pansies.Copy !req
1295. Peace and happiness were
to me signs of inferiority,Copy !req
1296. tenants of the weak
and addled mind.Copy !req
1297. But as I went on
with my alley fights,Copy !req
1298. my suicidal years,Copy !req
1299. my passage through
any number of women,Copy !req
1300. it gradually began to occur
to me that I wasn't differentCopy !req
1301. from the others,
I was the same.Copy !req
1302. They were all
fulsome with hatred,Copy !req
1303. glossed over with
petty grievances.Copy !req
1304. The men I fought in alleys
had hearts of stone.Copy !req
1305. Everybody was
nudging, inching,Copy !req
1306. cheating for some
insignificant advantage.Copy !req
1307. The lie was the weapon,
and the plot was empty.Copy !req
1308. Darkness was the dictator.Copy !req
1309. Cautiously, I allowed myself
to feel good at times.Copy !req
1310. I found moments of
peace in cheap roomsCopy !req
1311. just staring at the
knobs of some dresserCopy !req
1312. or listening to the
rain in the dark.Copy !req
1313. The less I needed,
the better I felt.Copy !req
1314. Maybe the other life
had worn me down.Copy !req
1315. I no longer found glamourCopy !req
1316. in topping somebody
in conversationCopy !req
1317. or in mounting the body of
some poor, drunken femaleCopy !req
1318. whose life had slipped
away into sorrow.Copy !req
1319. I could never accept
life as it was.Copy !req
1320. I could never gobble
down all its poisons.Copy !req
1321. But there were parts,
tenuous magic parts,Copy !req
1322. open for the asking.Copy !req
1323. I reformulated.Copy !req
1324. I don't know when...
date, time, all that...Copy !req
1325. but the change occurred.Copy !req
1326. Something in me
relaxed, smoothed out.Copy !req
1327. I no longer had to
prove that I was a man.Copy !req
1328. I didn't have to
prove anything.Copy !req
1329. I began to see things.Copy !req
1330. Coffee cups lined up
behind a counter in a cafe.Copy !req
1331. Or a dog walking
along a sidewalk.Copy !req
1332. Or the way the mouse
on my dresser topCopy !req
1333. stopped there,
really stopped there,Copy !req
1334. with its body,
its ears, its nose.Copy !req
1335. It was fixed, a bit of
life caught within itself,Copy !req
1336. and its eyes looked at me,
and they were beautiful.Copy !req
1337. Then it was gone.Copy !req
1338. I began to feel good.Copy !req
1339. I began to feel good
in the worst situations,Copy !req
1340. and there were
plenty of those.Copy !req
1341. Like, say, the boss
behind his desk.Copy !req
1342. He is going to
have to fire me.Copy !req
1343. I've missed too many days.Copy !req
1344. He's dressed in a
suit, necktie, glasses.Copy !req
1345. He says, 'I am going
to have to let you go.'Copy !req
1346. 'It's all right, '
I tell him.Copy !req
1347. He must do what he must do.Copy !req
1348. He has a wife, a
house, children,Copy !req
1349. expenses, most
probably a girlfriend.Copy !req
1350. I'm sorry for him.Copy !req
1351. He's caught.Copy !req
1352. I walk out into the
blazing sunshine.Copy !req
1353. The whole day is mine,
temporarily anyhow.Copy !req
1354. The whole world is at
the throat of the world.Copy !req
1355. Everybody feels angry,
short-changed, cheated.Copy !req
1356. Everybody is despondent,
disillusioned.Copy !req
1357. I welcomed shots of peace,
tattered shards of happiness.Copy !req
1358. I embraced that stuff
like the hottest number,Copy !req
1359. like high heels, breasts,
singing, the works.Copy !req
1360. Don't get me wrong,Copy !req
1361. there is such a thing
as cockeyed optimismCopy !req
1362. that overlooks
all basic problemsCopy !req
1363. just for the sake of itself.Copy !req
1364. This is a shield
and a sickness.Copy !req
1365. The knife got near
my throat again.Copy !req
1366. I almost turned
on the gas again.Copy !req
1367. But when the good
moments arrived again,Copy !req
1368. I didn't fight them off
like an alley adversary.Copy !req
1369. I let them take me.
I luxuriated in them.Copy !req
1370. I bade them welcome home.Copy !req
1371. I even looked into
the mirror onceCopy !req
1372. having thought
myself to be ugly.Copy !req
1373. I now liked what I saw.Copy !req
1374. Almost handsome.Copy !req
1375. Yes, a bit ripped and ragged.Copy !req
1376. Scars, lumps, odd turns.Copy !req
1377. But all in all, not too bad.Copy !req
1378. Almost handsome.Copy !req
1379. Better at least than some
of those movie star facesCopy !req
1380. like the cheeks
of a baby's butt.Copy !req
1381. And finally I discoveredCopy !req
1382. real feelings for
others, unheralded.Copy !req
1383. Like lately,
like this morning,Copy !req
1384. as I was leaving for the
track, I saw my wife in bed,Copy !req
1385. just the shape
of her head there,Copy !req
1386. covers pulled high, just
the shape of her head there.Copy !req
1387. Not forgetting centuries
of the living and the deadCopy !req
1388. and the dying, the pyramids,Copy !req
1389. Mozart dead, but his music
still there in the room,Copy !req
1390. weeds growing,
the Earth turning,Copy !req
1391. the tote board waiting for me.Copy !req
1392. I saw the shape
of my wife's head,Copy !req
1393. she so still.Copy !req
1394. I ached for her life,Copy !req
1395. just being there
under the covers.Copy !req
1396. I kissed her on the forehead,Copy !req
1397. got down the
stairway, got outside,Copy !req
1398. got into my marvelous
car, fixed the seat belt,Copy !req
1399. backed out the drive.Copy !req
1400. Feeling warm to
the fingertips,Copy !req
1401. down to my foot
on the gas pedal,Copy !req
1402. I entered the world once more,Copy !req
1403. drove down the hill
past the housesCopy !req
1404. full and empty of people.Copy !req
1405. I saw the mailman, honked.Copy !req
1406. He waved back at me.Copy !req