1. I suppose we could just fire him.Copy !req
2. Of course,
we'll have to give him three months' notice.Copy !req
3. Stuff and nonsense. Leave it to me.Copy !req
4. I'll talk to the chairman and insist
on Mr Bean's immediate dismissal.Copy !req
5. Now, then, back to the agenda.Copy !req
6. The Grierson Gallery of CaliforniaCopy !req
7. has recently received
a private donation of $50 millionCopy !req
8. to spend on buying
Whistler's portrait of his motherCopy !req
9. from the Musée d'Orsay in Paris.Copy !req
10. It is quite simply the most historic purchase
made by an American gallery this century.Copy !req
11. It's as simple as this.Copy !req
12. The greatest painting ever
by an American artistCopy !req
13. is returning at last to America.Copy !req
14. From now on, Whistler's Mother lives
right here in Los Angeles,Copy !req
15. where she belongs.Copy !req
16. When will we actually see her?Copy !req
17. The unveiling will be in about two weeks,
and you're all invited.Copy !req
18. They've asked us to send a scholar
of great weight and substanceCopy !req
19. to preside over the ceremony
and stay on for a couple of monthsCopy !req
20. of lectures and seminars.Copy !req
21. Dr Rosenblum, Dr Cutler,Copy !req
22. you both hold high claim
on this great honour.Copy !req
23. - The chairman is here, sir.
- Excellent. Send him in.Copy !req
24. Oh, and run and fetch Mr Bean, will you?Copy !req
25. - We're about to fire him.
- Marvellous.Copy !req
26. Yes, Mr Bean is
the worst employee in the gallery's history.Copy !req
27. Good afternoon, sir.Copy !req
28. Sit down. Sit down.Copy !req
29. Now, before we move on
to the major business of the day,Copy !req
30. I should like to broach
the question of Mr Bean.Copy !req
31. Now, Mr Bean has worked for us
for many years.Copy !req
32. And will for many years to come.Copy !req
33. I employed this splendid young man
when I was doing your job, Charles,Copy !req
34. and you can have my resignation
if you go anywhere near him.Copy !req
35. He's a fine young fellow.Copy !req
36. Absolutely. Quite right.Copy !req
37. Very well, moving on.Copy !req
38. The Grierson Gallery of California
needs a representative of our great gallery.Copy !req
39. They're looking for a scholar
of a very high standing.Copy !req
40. I have therefore decided
to recommend for the post,Copy !req
41. and the three-month sabbatical
that goes with it,Copy !req
42. that splendid employee,Copy !req
43. Mr Bean.Copy !req
44. All those in favour?Copy !req
45. Yes!Copy !req
46. Excellent. Carried.Copy !req
47. Our loss is America's gain.Copy !req
48. David, got a letter
from the Royal National Gallery.Copy !req
49. They're recommending a guy called Bean
to represent them.Copy !req
50. Bean?Copy !req
51. I can't say I've heard of him.Copy !req
52. Well, the letter's signed
by Drs Rosenblum and Cutler.Copy !req
53. - Well, that's impressive.
- They say,Copy !req
54. "He's a man whose incontrovertible genius
dwarfs our own meagre talents."Copy !req
55. Rosenblum and Cutler said that?Copy !req
56. Well, you asked for England's top man.
I do believe I delivered him.Copy !req
57. He certainly sounds like it.Copy !req
58. However, before we confirm, Bernice here
still feels that we'd get more media attentionCopy !req
59. if we had someone from,
let's say, the entertainment industry.Copy !req
60. I genuinely believe
that we could get Jon Bon Jovi.Copy !req
61. Jon Bon Jovi?Copy !req
62. - To unveil Whistler's Mother?
- Yes.Copy !req
63. I've nothing against Jon Bon Jovi.Copy !req
64. The man has had two great hairstyles
in the last 10 years,Copy !req
65. which is an achievement not to be sniffed at,Copy !req
66. but so far as I know,Copy !req
67. Mr Jovi knows absolutely nothing
about 19th-century Impressionism.Copy !req
68. He certainly hasn't mentioned it
in any of his recent songs.Copy !req
69. - No, but David...
- This is not a rock video.Copy !req
70. This is a great and serious work of art,Copy !req
71. and Dr Bean will give the occasion
depth and dignity.Copy !req
72. - You're right. We go with Bean.
- George...Copy !req
73. No, no, no, no, David's our curator.Copy !req
74. This is David's call.
It's his decision, his responsibility,Copy !req
75. ultimately, his neck.Copy !req
76. - And where do you want him to stay?
- I have a rather interesting idea.Copy !req
77. Here?Copy !req
78. In our house for two months?Copy !req
79. David, what, suddenly
there's no hotels in Los Angeles?Copy !req
80. Okay, there's no need to get excited here.
I just thought, you know,Copy !req
81. this is the Royal National Gallery
of England's top man.Copy !req
82. I thought he'd be
very exciting to have around,Copy !req
83. to learn from and talk to and...Copy !req
84. So do we know anything
about our new best friend?Copy !req
85. No, but I think they might have mentioned it
if he was a notorious serial killer.Copy !req
86. Are you feeling lucky, punk?Copy !req
87. David, you know,
we have an expression in this country.Copy !req
88. - It says, "Over my dead body."
- Ali.Copy !req
89. I'd like to put it on the table
right here and now.Copy !req
90. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity,
and it could be seriously great for the kids.Copy !req
91. - You're kidding.
- Come on, it's gonna be great!Copy !req
92. Let's say there is a chartCopy !req
93. of the most intelligent people
you've ever met in your life.Copy !req
94. Well, at number one with a bullet is Dr Bean.Copy !req
95. Kevin, you know how sometimes
you ask me questions that I can't answer?Copy !req
96. Like, "What is an intrauterine device?"Copy !req
97. Well, I think more like,
"What's the meaning of life?"Copy !req
98. - I never asked you that.
- That's fine. It doesn't matter.Copy !req
99. What I am saying here is
that Dr Bean is a very remarkable man.Copy !req
100. Hey, for all you know, he could be very cute.Copy !req
101. Oh, come on, the guy is gonna be a creep.
All Englishmen are ugly.Copy !req
102. I just look at Prince Charles and weep.Copy !req
103. Okay, so he's gonna look
like Meat Loaf's butt.Copy !req
104. Yeah, and that's if we get lucky.Copy !req
105. Jennifer, no one is asking you to marry him.Copy !req
106. You know, I don't know
why we have these family conferencesCopy !req
107. if Dad's already made up his mind.Copy !req
108. - Perceptive child.
- Hey, what's wrong with Meat Loaf's butt?Copy !req
109. Oh, come on, everybody, it's gonna be great!Copy !req
110. Dr Bean is a genius of the very highest order.Copy !req
111. Good evening.Copy !req
112. No, sir, you're in fact in first class.Copy !req
113. Good evening.Copy !req
114. Good evening, sir. May I take your coat?Copy !req
115. Thank you.Copy !req
116. Good. Simple poster, nice and big.Copy !req
117. It's actual size. A bargain at $9.99.Copy !req
118. - Spencer?
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
119. Bath towel.Copy !req
120. Yeah, pushing your luck a little here, Walter.Copy !req
121. It'll sell.Copy !req
122. - It's Whistler's Sister.
- Oh, you are kidding.Copy !req
123. No, sir, we have a range
for every member of the family.Copy !req
124. Whistler's Mother's Cookies, chocolate chip,Copy !req
125. Whistler's Father's Beer Mug,Copy !req
126. and here's a really cute one
for the younger-brother range,Copy !req
127. - Whistler's Whistle.
- Yeah.Copy !req
128. - You just blow up her ass. Here, try.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I...Copy !req
129. Mummy, I don't feel well.Copy !req
130. I think I'm gonna be sick.Copy !req
131. - Just here, sir.
- Your attention, please.Copy !req
132. Welcome to
Los Angeles International Airport.Copy !req
133. Do not leave baggage
or other items unattended.Copy !req
134. Hey!Copy !req
135. Any second now. I think
we're looking for a Brad Pitt look-alike.Copy !req
136. Police!Copy !req
137. Get on him now! Move it!Copy !req
138. Police! Come on! Come on, watch it!
Watch it! Everybody, out of the way!Copy !req
139. In pursuit of a 415. Male with a gun
heading into zone 10, terminal 2.Copy !req
140. Get your people over here now!Copy !req
141. Get out of the way! Get out of the way!Copy !req
142. Move it! Move! Move! Move!Copy !req
143. Police! Coming through!Copy !req
144. Come on, lady! Watch it! Move!Copy !req
145. There he is! There he is!Copy !req
146. Move! Move! Move! Police!Copy !req
147. Everyone on the floor now!Copy !req
148. - Not you, sweetie.
- Oh, right.Copy !req
149. Carefully take out your weapon,
holding the butt with two fingers only.Copy !req
150. Slowly place it on the floor
and take three steps back.Copy !req
151. - What is this?
- I don't know. Weird.Copy !req
152. Mr Bean, are you presently
on any kind of medication?Copy !req
153. Not that I know of.Copy !req
154. Well, you can certainly use some.Copy !req
155. - So, Doctor...
- Bean.Copy !req
156. Yes, okay, Dr Bean. Well, you made it.Copy !req
157. Nice flight?Copy !req
158. Well, this is Kevin,Copy !req
159. and this is Jennifer.
She's been very excited about meeting you.Copy !req
160. My wife, Alison.Copy !req
161. David, could I just have the tiniest talk
with you in the kitchen?Copy !req
162. All right, yeah. We're just gonna...Copy !req
163. I appreciate that on first viewing
he seems a little eccentric.Copy !req
164. David, there are MartiansCopy !req
165. who have been exiled from Mars
for looking weirdCopy !req
166. who look less weird than this guy.Copy !req
167. - He has an original quality, but every time...
- He goes today.Copy !req
168. Wow! That was amazing!Copy !req
169. That's really cool. Hey, can you do this?Copy !req
170. No, but I can do this.Copy !req
171. Neat! Wow! How do you do that?Copy !req
172. Magic.Copy !req
173. - Okay, so you're gonna tell him?
- I'll do it. Yes.Copy !req
174. - Today?
- Yes, today, today, today.Copy !req
175. - Today seems like a good day.
- Good.Copy !req
176. Well, sir, an unorthodox start.Copy !req
177. I guess I never expected things
with a man of your calibre to be normal.Copy !req
178. I gotta confess. I've never actually read
anything you've written.Copy !req
179. Tell me, Doctor,
what exactly is your position at the gallery?Copy !req
180. I sit in the cornerCopy !req
181. and look at the paintings.Copy !req
182. That is brilliant!Copy !req
183. If only more scholars would do that,
you know, just sit and look.Copy !req
184. You know, not lecture and write and argue,Copy !req
185. just sit and look at the paintings themselves.Copy !req
186. Now, that is brilliant. Yeah.Copy !req
187. Yes.Copy !req
188. - Morning, Elmer.
- Good morning, sir.Copy !req
189. Dr Bean?Copy !req
190. If you'd like to sign in, sir?Copy !req
191. Thank you.
Welcome to the Grierson, Dr Bean.Copy !req
192. Welcome to my world.Copy !req
193. We're expected in Grierson's office
at 9:00 a.m.Copy !req
194. Now, this is a man who does not like
to be kept waiting, so if you...Copy !req
195. - Do you mind if I...
- Yeah, okay, absolutely. You bet.Copy !req
196. All right.Copy !req
197. Hi.Copy !req
198. Doctor, we should make a move.
We're very late.Copy !req
199. Oh. We... Doctor, we... If...
When you're ready.Copy !req
200. Okay.Copy !req
201. David, finally.Copy !req
202. And this must be our professor
from across the sea.Copy !req
203. Yes, George Grierson, this is Dr Bean.Copy !req
204. I'm delighted, Doctor.Copy !req
205. - Actually, I'm not...
- Dr Bean?Copy !req
206. - Dr Bean?
- Can we get a photo, please, sir?Copy !req
207. - Right here.
- We've heard a great deal about you, Doctor.Copy !req
208. - Thank you, gentlemen.
- We expect a great deal of you.Copy !req
209. - And this is Bernice, in charge of PR.
- An absolute honour, Doctor.Copy !req
210. All right, thank you. And Walter Huntley,
our merchandise manager.Copy !req
211. - Nice to meet you.
- Moving along. Take a seat, Doctor.Copy !req
212. Thank you. Here, let me take that old thing.Copy !req
213. This is very out-of-date. Thank you.Copy !req
214. Before we settle in,
you might want to feast your eyes on these.Copy !req
215. Well, I'll be honest with you, Bean. I like this.Copy !req
216. It's beautiful, sir. I think it is, yeah.Copy !req
217. - Over here.
- Okay.Copy !req
218. Yeah.Copy !req
219. That's a lovely green there.Copy !req
220. - Good. Good. Down to business.
- Okay.Copy !req
221. I've asked Bernice to run through
the order of events for the opening.Copy !req
222. Dr Bean, would you like to join us?Copy !req
223. No. No, I'll just...Copy !req
224. Very well. Bernice?Copy !req
225. Now, you will note that anything
pertaining to special media requirementsCopy !req
226. is prefixed with an asterisk,Copy !req
227. I.e. glossy stills requested by some
of the favoured weeklies, that sort of thing.Copy !req
228. Right. So the big day unfolds as follows.Copy !req
229. Our generous benefactor, General Newton,Copy !req
230. will be arriving at 10:00 a.m.
to meet the members of the staff.Copy !req
231. Then, at 10:30,
we'll have the unveiling of the picture.Copy !req
232. Now, this will be
in front of all press and media.Copy !req
233. Walter, I'm assuming all this merchandising
is gonna be made available?Copy !req
234. Oh, absolutely. From fridge magnets
to Frisbees, we'll be ready.Copy !req
235. So it will probably be at about 11:00 a.m.,
when the stage is set for Dr Bean.Copy !req
236. Yes, all right, we really...Copy !req
237. We really should bring in the doctor here.Copy !req
238. Dr Bean?Copy !req
239. Doctor, we've just been inspecting
the schedule, and...Copy !req
240. If you would just like to take a look at yours
right over there at your convenience?Copy !req
241. The general should be arriving at 10:00 a.m.,
and he'll unveil the picture at 10:30.,Copy !req
242. so at about 11:00,
we should be ready for your speech.Copy !req
243. Yes, and I think 20 minutes
should be long enough.Copy !req
244. - Don't you, Bernice?
- Absolutely.Copy !req
245. I know you could fill hours, Doctor,Copy !req
246. but for the press, it would be best
if you could keep it quite light.Copy !req
247. Maybe throw in some anecdotes
about the actual painting of the pictureCopy !req
248. and explain why it is considered
to be America's greatest painting.Copy !req
249. Is that going to be enough, Doctor,
20 minutes?Copy !req
250. Well, dear friends, if you'll excuse me,
I have a lunch with the Mayor.Copy !req
251. Not the kind of thing I like, but duty calls.Copy !req
252. Well, Doctor, it's good to meet you.Copy !req
253. It's a complex experience.Copy !req
254. Enjoy your stay with David.
They're simple people but warm.Copy !req
255. - David, if I may have just a private word?
- Okay.Copy !req
256. I tell you, why don't you wait for me
back at the new acquisitions?Copy !req
257. I'll join you shortly. Yeah.Copy !req
258. Yes, sir?Copy !req
259. - He's a genius, right?
- Yeah, he's eccentric, but...Copy !req
260. - Yes.
- Yeah.Copy !req
261. The unveiling of Whistler's Mother
is the most important thingCopy !req
262. to ever happen to this gallery,Copy !req
263. and Dr Bean was your choice.Copy !req
264. Yes, I understand that.Copy !req
265. Thank you, sir.Copy !req
266. Dr Bean, when we get home, I wonder...Copy !req
267. When we get home,
I wonder if you would mindCopy !req
268. giving me a private moment with my wife.Copy !req
269. There's a little something
we need to work out.Copy !req
270. No problem.Copy !req
271. Yeah, I think...
Just wait in here would be good.Copy !req
272. Oh, just ignore that.
Her mother gave it to us.Copy !req
273. Huge sentimental value, you know, so...Copy !req
274. Just make yourself at home.
I'll be just a couple of minutes with Alison.Copy !req
275. Oh, Doctor. I would actually not do that.Copy !req
276. That's a limited edition.
It's that it's delicate, so if you...Copy !req
277. Or, yeah, if...
Put it there would be good. Yeah.Copy !req
278. Okay, that's... All right.Copy !req
279. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
280. No Dr Bean?Copy !req
281. Well, actually, no, he is still here,
but let me...Copy !req
282. - Jennifer! Kevin!
- I just want us... I just want us...Copy !req
283. Plan B!Copy !req
284. You have luggage packed? What is Plan B?Copy !req
285. Plan B is,Copy !req
286. if you haven't gotten rid of Dr Bean,
we go straight to Grandma's.Copy !req
287. - I can't believe you...
- Screwed up again, huh, Dad?Copy !req
288. Oh, come on,
there was no time to raise the subject!Copy !req
289. - Kevin, start the car, would you, sweetie?
- Oh, Ali, wait a second and look.Copy !req
290. No, you look, David, my darling,
I have asked very little from you,Copy !req
291. but I did ask you to get rid of Dr Bean,
and you have made your choice,Copy !req
292. so you two can stay hereCopy !req
293. and really come to grips
with postmodernism,Copy !req
294. but I am taking our children to my mother's.Copy !req
295. Just give him one last chance.Copy !req
296. - Oh, David...
- Just one.Copy !req
297. Please?Copy !req
298. Okay. Okay.Copy !req
299. - Thank you.
- All right.Copy !req
300. Thanks. Once you get to know him,Copy !req
301. - I think you're gonna...
- David, don't.Copy !req
302. - Hello, Doctor.
- Hello.Copy !req
303. No, no, no, no, Doctor,
that is not for the TV. That's for the...Copy !req
304. Yeah, well, there they go.Copy !req
305. Well, Doctor, we've got
the whole weekend together.Copy !req
306. Yeah, get to know each other and...Copy !req
307. I was thinking
tomorrow we might really do LA.Copy !req
308. There's the Gallery of American Indian Art.
There's the California State Gallery.Copy !req
309. There's actually this new place,
the Rabowitz,Copy !req
310. which is kind of the place
for abstract expressionism.Copy !req
311. Does that sound good to you?Copy !req
312. Maybe you have something else in mind?Copy !req
313. Incredible.Copy !req
314. You set?Copy !req
315. Thank you
for taking the Ride of Doom.Copy !req
316. Why don't you get another ticket?
Could be more fun second time round.Copy !req
317. Okay.Copy !req
318. Brace yourself.Copy !req
319. - He's a genius, huh?
- That's what they tell me.Copy !req
320. Well, he looks like a fruitcake to me.Copy !req
321. Are you willing to take responsibility
for his actions?Copy !req
322. Well, you're a braver man than me,Copy !req
323. and I single-handedly take on gangs
armed with AK-47s.Copy !req
324. Get him out of here. Tell him
his is a butt I would dearly love to kick,Copy !req
325. and the next time, I will.Copy !req
326. Doctor, there is something
we have to talk about,Copy !req
327. and I don't quite know how to put this.Copy !req
328. What I am concerned about is...Copy !req
329. Whoever that is, I am getting rid of them.Copy !req
330. There he is.Copy !req
331. David, sorry we're late.Copy !req
332. - The traffic! Oh, terrible.
- Oh, that's beautiful!Copy !req
333. You couldn't believe.
Every day, it gets worse and worse.Copy !req
334. - It's just the way she... It's the green.
- And why? Because nobody's in control.Copy !req
335. No, it's the yellow. It's just... It's the yellow.
She is a...Copy !req
336. Well, where is Alison?Copy !req
337. Well, I've got some bad news
and some good news.Copy !req
338. The bad news is that Alison
has had to go visit her mum,Copy !req
339. - Who, well, is not well.
- That's too bad.Copy !req
340. - Gee, the poor thing.
- Sorry to hear that, David.Copy !req
341. The good news is that Dr Bean and I
will be cooking.Copy !req
342. - You sure that's good news?
- Well, of course it is.Copy !req
343. All the greatest chefs in the world are men.Copy !req
344. So what's on the menu, maestro?Copy !req
345. How could I forget?Copy !req
346. What the hell are we going to give them?Copy !req
347. Yes, I think they may be expecting
something slightly more formal.Copy !req
348. An onion? Just on its own?Copy !req
349. No, no, don't be ridiculous.Copy !req
350. That's for Thanksgiving.
Alison would kill me.Copy !req
351. No, no, there must be something else.Copy !req
352. - Have you ever cooked one of these before?
- Oh, yes.Copy !req
353. But anyway,
it would take like five hours, right?Copy !req
354. Not necessarily.Copy !req
355. What do you think? Twenty minutes?Copy !req
356. I don't know.Copy !req
357. You're sure this is gonna work?Copy !req
358. Okay, you're the chef.Copy !req
359. Just put on some vegetables
and come and say hello.Copy !req
360. Maestro!Copy !req
361. My taste buds are positively tingling
with anticipation.Copy !req
362. No. No, thanks.Copy !req
363. I think we'll pass on the appetiser.Copy !req
364. So, Bean, big day Tuesday,Copy !req
365. your big day, my big day.Copy !req
366. I have a question for you.Copy !req
367. He's very attentive to detail.Copy !req
368. Everything must be just so.Copy !req
369. Bean, I think we need
to be honest with each other.Copy !req
370. I cannot deny that, over the last days,Copy !req
371. some suspicions have begun
to gather in my mind,Copy !req
372. and I would just like to ask you
some direct questions,Copy !req
373. Okay?Copy !req
374. Number one, are you a doctor?Copy !req
375. No.Copy !req
376. Number two,
do you know anything about art?Copy !req
377. Well...Copy !req
378. Just for instance here,Copy !req
379. was Leonardo da Vinci
an American basketball player?Copy !req
380. Yes.Copy !req
381. - Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Dad.Copy !req
382. Hello, Doctor.Copy !req
383. - Bye, Dad.
- Bye, Dad.Copy !req
384. Yep.Copy !req
385. Oh, my God!Copy !req
386. For God's sake, Bean, what are you doing?Copy !req
387. Hello? Mr Grierson, yes.
He's just here in the shower with me.Copy !req
388. Would you give me...Copy !req
389. Yes, hello, Mr Grierson.Copy !req
390. No, no, you must have misunderstood him.
What can I...Copy !req
391. She is? Oh, thank you for calling me.Copy !req
392. - Yes, okay. Goodbye.
- Bye!Copy !req
393. I can't believe it. Whistler's Mother
has actually arrived in America.Copy !req
394. Now, listen, I am begging youCopy !req
395. as a man whose entire professional career
depends on you,Copy !req
396. behave rationally today.Copy !req
397. There is no God.Copy !req
398. What do you think?Copy !req
399. Nice frame.Copy !req
400. She's magnificent.Copy !req
401. David, well done.
Worth every bright green buck!Copy !req
402. She's something else, isn't she?Copy !req
403. All right, folks, enjoy her while you can.
After this morning, we lock her awayCopy !req
404. until the guy who paid $50 million for her
turns up.Copy !req
405. And, Elmer, I believe
we have a security meeting.Copy !req
406. That's right, sir.Copy !req
407. And this is your key
to the encasement system.Copy !req
408. There are only two. I have the other one,Copy !req
409. so if the painting turns up missing,
I'll know where to come.Copy !req
410. And if you could all join me
at the security console?Copy !req
411. Doctor, why don't you just stay here?Copy !req
412. Maybe a look at the real thing
will inspire you for your speech.Copy !req
413. Just stay here.
Don't leave this room till I get back, okay?Copy !req
414. This chart maps
all the security elements for the big day,Copy !req
415. and as usual in these circumstances,
I've given the operation a code name,Copy !req
416. which is Operation Whistler's Mother.Copy !req
417. It's not a snazzy title, but I think it works.Copy !req
418. Fear not, gentlemen.Copy !req
419. With the system we put in here,
nothing will touch that paintingCopy !req
420. short of an earthquake
that brings down the whole gallery.Copy !req
421. Once we've gotten the general safely inside,Copy !req
422. the key figure, security-wise, will be Dr Bean.Copy !req
423. We gotta protect the painting
without getting in the good doctor's way.Copy !req
424. There seems to be a problemCopy !req
425. with the door.Copy !req
426. Where's the picture gone?Copy !req
427. What? What? What? What?Copy !req
428. Oh, Jesus! Oh, God! Oh, Jesus!Copy !req
429. God! Oh, Mary, mother of Jesus!
Jesus of Nazareth!Copy !req
430. Wait a minute.
Why am I worrying about this? You did it!Copy !req
431. All I have to do is go out
and tell them what happened.Copy !req
432. Perfect!Copy !req
433. Then they'll say,
"Well, who left him alone with the picture?"Copy !req
434. And I say, "Me."Copy !req
435. Then they say, "Well, you're fired!"
I say, "Fine."Copy !req
436. No, no, no, no, no!Copy !req
437. Then they say, "Firing is not enough.
Let's prosecute you for negligence!"Copy !req
438. Then I go to jail. My wife leaves me.
My daughter becomes a prostitute.Copy !req
439. I wind up on death row
sharing a cell with Butch McDick!Copy !req
440. All right, calm down. I just gotta calm down.Copy !req
441. Okay. Okay.Copy !req
442. Give me one more look at the painting.Copy !req
443. Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!Copy !req
444. which renders the underground
ventilation ducts completely secure.Copy !req
445. - Yes, well, that's good to know.
- Thank you, sir.Copy !req
446. Hey, do you drink, Bean?Copy !req
447. - No.
- Good, neither do I.Copy !req
448. The Yankees grab the bat.Copy !req
449. Yeah, this one has extra innings
written all over it, doesn't it?Copy !req
450. Ozzie hangs over the plate.Copy !req
451. He's got the long-ball threat
from the left side.Copy !req
452. Smith corks one to right field down the line.Copy !req
453. - There it goes.
- Bean.Copy !req
454. It's going.Copy !req
455. Going crazy, folks! Going crazy!
It's a home run!Copy !req
456. And the Cardinals have won the...Copy !req
457. Carry on.Copy !req
458. You wanna know
what the reality of the situation is?Copy !req
459. Okay, this is it.Copy !req
460. Because you moved into my house,
my wife has moved out.Copy !req
461. Yes, she did.
She might have moved out anyway,Copy !req
462. but that is one, point one.Copy !req
463. Point two,Copy !req
464. I've given my life to art,Copy !req
465. and from here on in,
the only art I will get anywhere nearCopy !req
466. are the pictures I draw on the pavement,Copy !req
467. hoping passers-by
will throw nickels in my hat.Copy !req
468. I guess the long and the short of it,Copy !req
469. I wish I'd never been born.Copy !req
470. Oh, no!Copy !req
471. I can explain everything.Copy !req
472. Okay, explain everything.Copy !req
473. - It's inexplicable. Ali, listen...
- David, no.Copy !req
474. David, the reason that I came home
was because I missed youCopy !req
475. and also because I live here,
and they live here,Copy !req
476. but, David, we have been waiting
for five hours, and what do we get?Copy !req
477. A drunk and his friend from the planet Zog.Copy !req
478. I know, and it seems like
this horrible situation, but if you could...Copy !req
479. If you could just hear my full horrific tale...Copy !req
480. David, I think I'm gonna have to leave you.Copy !req
481. You are?Copy !req
482. Well, then things really have gotten bad.Copy !req
483. Yeah.Copy !req
484. Hi, Beanie.Copy !req
485. Can't sleep, huh?Copy !req
486. No.Copy !req
487. Me, neither.
Can't stop thinking about naked women.Copy !req
488. - What about you?
- Whistler's Mother.Copy !req
489. Well, whatever turns you on.Copy !req
490. Catch you around, moon-man.Copy !req
491. Oh, if you still can't sleep, come to my room.Copy !req
492. I got some great posters
of Cindy Crawford on my wall.Copy !req
493. Oh, dear.Copy !req
494. Help! Help!Copy !req
495. Come on!Copy !req
496. Hooray!Copy !req
497. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!Copy !req
498. Jennifer?Copy !req
499. No, no, no, no, don't think for one minute
you're getting on that bike, Jen.Copy !req
500. Morning, everyone.Copy !req
501. Total family rule here.Copy !req
502. No one is allowed
on one of those death traps.Copy !req
503. You promised me, Jen.Copy !req
504. And you promised Mum
you'd get rid of Dr Freako.Copy !req
505. Don't talk to me.
I am trying to think what I'm going to do.Copy !req
506. - Well...
- Quiet!Copy !req
507. This way.Copy !req
508. Yes, ma'am.Copy !req
509. What a pleasure, sir.
Welcome to our humble abode.Copy !req
510. Not too humble, I hope. I'm expecting lunch.Copy !req
511. - Of course. General, right this way.
- After you, sir. After you.Copy !req
512. Glad you could make it.Copy !req
513. - Where the hell have you been?
- I am sorry. Trouble at home.Copy !req
514. - Never mind. Come along.
- Sir, there is something...Copy !req
515. General, I'd like you to meet our curator,
David Langley.Copy !req
516. - I'm delighted to meet you, sir.
- Of course you are.Copy !req
517. Right through here, sir.Copy !req
518. Ladies and gentlemen,
this is a great moment for AmericaCopy !req
519. and for one very special lady,
Whistler's Mother.Copy !req
520. And she's here today,
thanks to our great and good benefactor.Copy !req
521. Will you join me in saluting a soldier,
philanthropist, loving father...Copy !req
522. Hear, hear.Copy !req
523. and an extremely generous patron
of the arts, General Newton?Copy !req
524. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
525. I am not a traditional art lover.Copy !req
526. I don't know the difference
between a Picasso and a car crash,Copy !req
527. but I love my country.Copy !req
528. I can't stand the idea of a bunch of FrenchiesCopy !req
529. owning America's greatest painting.Copy !req
530. Let's get on with it.Copy !req
531. Welcome home, Ma.Copy !req
532. Whatever you did,
you're a genius, and I love you!Copy !req
533. It's a poster.Copy !req
534. It's a what?Copy !req
535. - David? It's time.
- Time for what?Copy !req
536. - The speech.
- What? Wait. What speech?Copy !req
537. - Congratulations, David.
- Dr Bean's speech about the painting.Copy !req
538. Yes, of course, the speech.Copy !req
539. Now, Doctor, try to keep it below an hour,Copy !req
540. and if there could be one joke in it,
that would be nice.Copy !req
541. Good Morning America couldn't give
a flying monkey about "isms" and...Copy !req
542. - Oh, you know what I mean.
- Yeah.Copy !req
543. - It doesn't have to go on for long. Just...
- Dr Bean?Copy !req
544. - Just... Just...
- We're ready for you. Right this way.Copy !req
545. Just... Just... Just...Copy !req
546. And now, for the second highlight
of our day.Copy !req
547. Dr Bean, a great English art scholar,
is here to speak for a few minutes,Copy !req
548. not too long, Doctor,Copy !req
549. on the subject of our new purchase.Copy !req
550. Ladies and gentlemen, Dr Bean
of the National Gallery of England.Copy !req
551. - Okay.
- Yeah!Copy !req
552. - Okay.
- Okay!Copy !req
553. - Thank you.
- Bravo.Copy !req
554. Bravo.Copy !req
555. Well, hello, I'm Dr Bean,Copy !req
556. apparently,Copy !req
557. and my jobCopy !req
558. is to sit and look at paintings.Copy !req
559. SoCopy !req
560. what have I learntCopy !req
561. that I can say aboutCopy !req
562. this painting?Copy !req
563. Well...Copy !req
564. Well, firstly, it's quite big,Copy !req
565. which is excellentCopy !req
566. because if it was really small,Copy !req
567. you know, microscopic,Copy !req
568. then hardly anybody would be able to see it,Copy !req
569. which would be a tremendous shame.Copy !req
570. Secondly,Copy !req
571. and I'm getting quite near the end nowCopy !req
572. of this analysis of this painting...Copy !req
573. Secondly,Copy !req
574. why was it worth this man hereCopy !req
575. spending 50 million
of your American dollars on this portrait?Copy !req
576. And the answer is,Copy !req
577. well, this picture is worth
such a lot of money because...Copy !req
578. it's a picture of Whistler's mother,Copy !req
579. and as I've learnt
by staying with my best friend,Copy !req
580. David Langley, and his family,Copy !req
581. families are very important,Copy !req
582. and even though Mr Whistler
was perfectly awareCopy !req
583. that his mother was a hideous old batCopy !req
584. who looked like she had
a cactus lodged up her backside,Copy !req
585. he stuck with herCopy !req
586. and even took the time
to paint this amazing picture of her.Copy !req
587. It's not just a painting.Copy !req
588. It's a picture of a mad old cowCopy !req
589. who he thought the world of,Copy !req
590. and that's marvellous.Copy !req
591. Well, that's what I think, anyway.Copy !req
592. - Bravo!
- Bravo!Copy !req
593. - Home and dry.
- Where did you put the original?Copy !req
594. Mr Langley, may I have a word?Copy !req
595. Stay here. Shut up.Copy !req
596. - Mr Langley...
- Okay, I can explain everything.Copy !req
597. - What can you explain?
- About the painting.Copy !req
598. - Which painting?
- Whistler's Mother.Copy !req
599. I'm afraid, Mr Langley,
I'm here in my capacity as a police officer,Copy !req
600. not as an art lover.Copy !req
601. It's about your daughter.
She's been in a motorcycle accident.Copy !req
602. Damn!
Request emergency clearance for 809-Adam.Copy !req
603. Shut up!Copy !req
604. 211 in progress.Copy !req
605. Suspect male, possibly armed.
Request immediate backup.Copy !req
606. Keep speeding.Copy !req
607. - If you get a ticket, I'll tear it up.
- Thanks.Copy !req
608. Hold it! Okay, easy, fellow, easy.
Hold it, there. Right there.Copy !req
609. Hey! Easy.Copy !req
610. Put it down. Put the gun down.Copy !req
611. Hi, I need Jennifer Langley's room.Copy !req
612. She came in at about 11:00,
motorcycle accident.Copy !req
613. Out of the way, sir.Copy !req
614. She's on the fifth floor, east wing.
Just take the elevator up.Copy !req
615. Just...Copy !req
616. All right.Copy !req
617. I'm so... Just...Copy !req
618. Please, just stay here and do nothing.Copy !req
619. If you do nothing, nothing can go wrong.Copy !req
620. I've got to take care of my family now.Copy !req
621. The nurse says that it's not a coma,
that she's just...Copy !req
622. She's just sort of taking time out,Copy !req
623. but we haven't seen a doctor yet, so I don't...Copy !req
624. - Dr Jacobson?
- Yes?Copy !req
625. We need you urgently in OR 3.Copy !req
626. - No can do. I'm due in number 4 at 1:00.
- Sir, it's urgent.Copy !req
627. We have a ruptured kidney
and massive bleeding.Copy !req
628. Okay.Copy !req
629. Yes, it's urgent!Copy !req
630. - What's happening?
- Surgeon's on his way up.Copy !req
631. At last, Dr Bean.Copy !req
632. Hello, Doctor. We've got
a 45-year-old male, blood type B negative,Copy !req
633. brought in by paramedics 10 minutes ago.Copy !req
634. He's got a penetrating injury
to the left chest.Copy !req
635. - The...
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.Copy !req
636. The stethoscope's fallen.Copy !req
637. - Gotta get him in there right now.
- No, no, no!Copy !req
638. Come in, Doctor.
It looks like a bullet in the lower thorax.Copy !req
639. It seems to have ruptured the lung,Copy !req
640. and there's severe inner bleeding
along the abdomen.Copy !req
641. Doctor, he's coming to.Copy !req
642. - All right, give him a T-70.
- Got it.Copy !req
643. Shall I extend the incision, sir?Copy !req
644. We've taken it from the breastbone
to the diaphragm.Copy !req
645. We may have to extend further
to get to the spleen.Copy !req
646. Sorry, sir, it's only my first week.Copy !req
647. No, you're right, Doctor.
We should wait for the x-rays.Copy !req
648. Help! We are losing this guy out here!Copy !req
649. - For Jesus' sake, we need help!
- Go! Go! Go! Get in here!Copy !req
650. Watch he doesn't go
into haemodynamic shock.Copy !req
651. We'll be right back.Copy !req
652. - Defibrillating!
- All right, charge the paddles to 200 watts.Copy !req
653. Got it.Copy !req
654. Clear!Copy !req
655. What's that?Copy !req
656. Jolly good. Clean it up.Copy !req
657. Sorry to keep you waiting, sir.Copy !req
658. Nice work in there, people.
Now back to the bleeding.Copy !req
659. Where's this blood coming from?
We got to clamp it off.Copy !req
660. - Where the hell's that J-17?
- What happened?Copy !req
661. - We need that J-17 in OR 4 right now.
- He's got major trauma.Copy !req
662. There's too much blood. I can't see a thing.Copy !req
663. - More suction.
- Somebody check that line.Copy !req
664. - Blood pressure's bottoming out.
- Hook me up with 12, will you?Copy !req
665. His heart rate is dropping.
We're gonna lose him.Copy !req
666. - How's the TMS?
- Come on, people! He's crashing on us.Copy !req
667. Damn!Copy !req
668. - I'm not getting a reading.
- Where is this bullet?Copy !req
669. - Hang in there, fellow.
- Come on, hold on to him.Copy !req
670. - If we don't find it, he's a dead man.
- I am not gonna lose this guy.Copy !req
671. He's slipping.Copy !req
672. Sir, we're losing him.
I've got to get in there now.Copy !req
673. Doctor, you can't just... It's too dangerous!Copy !req
674. My God!Copy !req
675. - Incredible.
- Heart rate is stabilising.Copy !req
676. Blood pressure's climbing back.Copy !req
677. You saved him!Copy !req
678. Oh, Doctor, thank God.
My daughter was in an accident.Copy !req
679. No one's even taken a look at her yet.Copy !req
680. We're desperate
for some medical attention in here.Copy !req
681. Would you mind?Copy !req
682. Don't worry, honey.
The doctor will check her out.Copy !req
683. Oh, thank God.Copy !req
684. Mr and Mrs Langley,Copy !req
685. any kind of damage to the brain
is a very sensitive thing to observe,Copy !req
686. so maybe we should just step outside
and give the doctor a little room to work.Copy !req
687. The first nurse said
we shouldn't think of it as a comaCopy !req
688. but more like a deep sleep.Copy !req
689. - Yes, that's sort of true.
- Could I ask you a question?Copy !req
690. Jennifer?Copy !req
691. Wakey, wakey, breakfast's ready.Copy !req
692. Jennifer?Copy !req
693. What time is it?Copy !req
694. It's almost 2:00.Copy !req
695. Can you turn the clock back
about 12 hours for me?Copy !req
696. Sure.Copy !req
697. Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!Copy !req
698. I don't know what to say about Bean.Copy !req
699. He's clearly a force-10 disaster area,Copy !req
700. but, God help me, I like him.Copy !req
701. Now, having said that,
there is no reason in the worldCopy !req
702. why any of you should ever
have anything to do with him again.Copy !req
703. Mom? Dad? Anyone?Copy !req
704. Oh, my God, Jennifer.Copy !req
705. - Oh, honey. Sweetie.
- Honey! Oh, look at you.Copy !req
706. - Mum, what happened?
- You had an accident, honey,Copy !req
707. but everything is gonna be okay.Copy !req
708. - But what happened to Stingo?
- Just bruises, collar bone.Copy !req
709. He'll be fine, until I get my hands on him.Copy !req
710. - Hey, Doctor, where are you going?
- Where do you think you're going?Copy !req
711. How can we ever say thank you?
No, you've made us so happy.Copy !req
712. - Tell us, what can we do? We'll do anything.
- Anything.Copy !req
713. Well, I suppose
you could let me stay another week.Copy !req
714. Sunset Boulevard.Copy !req
715. - Presents! Presents!
- Hey! What's this all about?Copy !req
716. - This is heavy.
- Thank you.Copy !req
717. - Next present for Jen.
- Thanks.Copy !req
718. Let's see what we got here.Copy !req
719. Oh, look, laxatives.
Yeah, a whole box of them.Copy !req
720. Oh, hey, there they are.Copy !req
721. Eggs, six of them.Copy !req
722. Barbie!Copy !req
723. - Thanks.
- What did you get there?Copy !req
724. Ta-da!Copy !req
725. Smile.Copy !req
726. Give us a smile.Copy !req
727. - Bye-bye!
- Bye!Copy !req
728. Bye, Beanie!Copy !req
729. See you!Copy !req
730. Farewell!Copy !req
731. Do not leave your car unattended.Copy !req
732. - Unattended vehicles...
- Well, Beanie, it's beenCopy !req
733. surreal.Copy !req
734. I want you to know
you can come back and visit anytime.Copy !req
735. - Yes.
- In the fairly distant future.Copy !req
736. I know it sounds insane,Copy !req
737. but I'm really gonna miss you.Copy !req
738. Okay.Copy !req
739. Okay.Copy !req
740. Okay. Goodbye again.Copy !req
741. Yes, I normally stay till the end as well.Copy !req
742. Bye.Copy !req
743. You can go now if you wish.Copy !req
744. Dear me.Copy !req
745. Bye.Copy !req