- 1. Merry Christmas.
- 2. Merry Christmas.
- 3. Penguin sighting! Check it out!
Man or myth?
- 4. What is he? Today's edition.
Another Penguin sighting.
- 5. Another Penguin sighting! Check it out!
- 6. Grotesque penguin-man living in Gotham
sewers. Read all about the latest sighting.
- 7. Could I have your attention, Gotham City?
- 8. It is time for tonight's lighting of the tree.
- 9. How about that?
- 10. Part man, part penguin. All horrifying!
- 11. Find out for only 50 cents. Come on!
- 12. Read about the possible terror
beneath our feet. Check it out, people!
- 13. Read about it! Today's issue.
- 14. Read about the latest sighting
of the penguin creature.
- 15. - Missing link between man and bird.
- My dear boy...
- 16. sometimes it's a diversion
to read such rubbish.
- 17. Most of the time, it's a waste of time.
- 18. Whatever. Today's issue, the Penguin.
Check him out. Man or myth?
- 19. The Globe. Right here. 25 cents.
- 20. Well, here's hoping. Maybe with
a little luck, Gotham will have...
- 21. its first merry Christmas
in a good long while.
- 22. I feel almost vulgar
in this yuletide context...
- 23. mentioning the new power plant.
- 24. But if we're gonna break ground,
when we got to break ground...
- 25. I'll need permits, variances, tax
incentives. That sort of pesky nonsense.
- 26. Power plant?
- 27. Max, all our studies show us
we've got enough power...
- 28. to get us into the middle
of the next century.
- 29. Your analysts are talking growth
at 1 percent per annum.
- 30. That's not growth. That's a mild swelling.
- 31. Imagine a Gotham City...
- 32. of the future, lit up
like a blanket of stars...
- 33. but blinking on and off...
- 34. embarrassingly low on juice.
- 35. Frankly...
- 36. I cringe, Mr. Mayor.
- 37. Sorry, any plans you've got will
have to go to the usual committees...
- 38. through the usual channels.
- 39. I have a suggestion.
- 40. Well...
- 41. actually, really, just more like a question.
- 42. I'm afraid we haven't
properly housebroken Miss Kyle.
- 43. In the plus column, though...
- 44. she makes a hell of a cup of coffee.
- 45. Dad.
- 46. Mr. Mayor. It's time to go down
and bring joy to the masses.
- 47. "Actually, more of a question."
- 48. You stupid corn dog.
- 49. Oh, God. Corn dog.
- 50. All right. Give us some room.
- 51. Wait, let him through, please.
- 52. I have enough signatures from Shreck
employees alone to warrant a recall.
- 53. That's not a threat, just simple numbers.
- 54. Maybe. But you don't have an issue, Max.
- 55. And you sure as hell
don't have a candidate.
- 56. Hello, Mr. Shreck!
- 57. Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
- 58. From those of us at City Hall
to each and every one of you...
- 59. happy holidays.
- 60. We have with us tonight
a man who really needs no introduction.
- 61. He's given so much to our city.
- 62. Will you welcome, please,
Gotham's own Santa Claus: Max Shreck.
- 63. Pick up those contracts
from Personnel and...
- 64. pick up the dry cleaning, paper towels...
- 65. Oh, darn!
- 66. Forgot my speech.
- 67. Remind me to take it out
- 68. Santa Claus? Afraid not.
- 69. I'm just a poor schmo who got lucky.
- 70. And sue me if I want to give some back.
- 71. I only wish I could hand out more
than just expensive baubles.
- 72. ! wish I could hand out world peace...
- 73. and unconditional love...
- 74. wrapped in a big bow.
- 75. Oh, but you can. Oh, but you will.
- 76. Merry Christmas.
- 77. - Great idea.
- Not mine.
- 78. Let's go!
- 79. What're you waiting for? The signal!
- 80. We want the big guy!
The guy who runs the show!
- 81. - What do you want?
- Not you!
- 82. - Shreck!
- You'll have to go through me.
- 83. - Chip.
- Dad, go! Save yourself!
- 84. Dad, go!
- 85. Shut up!
- 86. You take one step closer,
Mr. Man-bat and...
- 87. You missed.
- 88. Wow.
- 89. The Batman.
- 90. Or is it just Batman?
- 91. Your choice, of course.
- 92. Well, that was very brief.
- 93. Just like all the men in my life.
- 94. I know, what men?
- 95. Then again, there's you.
But you need therapy.
- 96. Thanks for saving the day, Batman.
I'm afraid the Circus Gang is back.
- 97. We'll see.
- 98. They almost made off with
our mover and shaker, Max Shreck, but...
- 99. Where is that insufferable son of a bitch?
- 100. Hi.
- 101. I believe the word you're looking for is...
- 102. Actually, this is all just a bad dream.
- 103. You're at home in bed...
- 104. heavily sedated, resting comfortably...
- 105. dying from the carcinogens
you've personally spewed...
- 106. in a lifetime of profiteering.
- 107. Tragic irony or poetic justice?
- 108. You tell me.
- 109. My God, it's true.
- 110. Penguin Man of the sewer.
- 111. Odd as it may seem, Max...
- 112. you and I have something in common.
- 113. We're both perceived as monsters.
- 114. But somehow...
- 115. you're a well-respected monster...
- 116. and I am, to date, not!
- 117. Frankly, I feel that's a bum rap.
I'm a businessman.
- 118. Tough, yes.
- 119. Shrewd, okay.
But that does not make me a monster.
- 120. Don't embarrass yourself, Max!
I know all about you.
- 121. What you hide, I discover.
- 122. What you put in your toilet...
- 123. I place on my mantle. Get the picture?
- 124. What, is that supposed to hypnotize me?
- 125. No, just give you a splitting headache.
- 126. It's not working.
- 127. You big baby! Just blanks.
- 128. Would I go through all this trouble tonight
just to kill you?
- 129. No, Max.
- 130. I have an entirely other purpose.
- 131. I'm ready, Max.
- 132. I've been down here too long.
- 133. It's time for me to ascend...
- 134. to re-emerge...
- 135. with your help...
- 136. your know-how...
- 137. your savvy.
- 138. I wasn't born in the sewer, you know.
- 139. I come from...
- 140. Like you.
- 141. And, like you, I want some respect!
- 142. A recognition of my basic humanity.
- 143. But most of all...
- 144. I want to find out who I am
by finding my parents...
- 145. learning my human name.
- 146. Simple stuff that the good people
of Gotham take for granted!
- 147. And...
- 148. exactly why am I going to help you?
- 149. Well...
- 150. Let's start.
- 151. What have we here? Let's see.
- 152. A batch of toxic waste...
- 153. from your clean textile plant.
- 154. There's a whole lagoon of this crud
in the back.
- 155. That could have come from anywhere.
- 156. What about the documents that prove you
own half of the firetraps in Gotham City?
- 157. If there were such documents...
- 158. that's not an admission.
- 159. I would have seen to it
they were shredded.
- 160. Good idea.
- 161. A lot of tape and a little patience
make all the difference.
- 162. By the way...
- 163. how's Fred Atkins, your old partner?
- 164. Fred?
- 165. Fred's actually...
- 166. I believe he's on extended vacation.
- 167. Good.
- 168. Hiya, Max. Remember me?
I'm Fred's hand!
- 169. You want to greet any other body parts?
- 170. Remember, Max...
- 171. you flush it, I flaunt it.
- 172. You know what, Mr. Penguin, sir?
- 173. I think perhaps...
- 174. I could help orchestrate
a little welcome-home scenario for you.
- 175. Once we're both back home,
perhaps we can help each other out.
- 176. You won't regret this, Mr. Shreck.
- 177. Honey, I'm home!
- 178. I forgot. I'm not married.
- 179. Miss Kitty.
- 180. Back from more sexual escapades
you refuse to share?
- 181. Not that I'd ever pry.
- 182. Drink your dinner.
- 183. What?
- 184. How can anyone be so pathetic?
- 185. Yes, to you I seem pathetic.
But I'm a working girl.
- 186. Gotta pay the rent. Maybe if you were
chipping in instead of stepping out.
- 187. Selina, dear, it's your mother.
Just calling to say hello.
- 188. Yeah, right, but...
- 189. But I'm disappointed
you're not coming home for Christmas.
- 190. I want to discuss just why you insist
on languishing in Gotham City...
- 191. as some lowly secretary.
- 192. Lowly assistant.
- 193. Selina, about that Christmas getaway
- 194. I'll be going alone. Dr. Shaw says I need
to be my own person, not an appendage.
- 195. Some appendage!
- 196. The party never stops
on Selina Kyle's answering machine.
- 197. Guess I should've let him win
that last racquetball game.
- 198. Hello, Selina Kyle.
- 199. We're calling to tell you
about exciting new Gotham Lady perfume.
- 200. It makes women feel like women
and the men have no complaints, either.
- 201. Hi, Selina. This is yourself calling
to remind you, honey...
- 202. that you have to come
all the way back to the office...
- 203. You stupid corn dog!
- 204. unless you remembered to bring home
the Bruce Wayne file.
- 205. Because the meeting's on Wednesday.
- 206. Working late?
- 207. I'm just boning up for your Bruce Wayne
meeting in the morning.
- 208. I pulled all of the files
on the proposed power plant...
- 209. and Mr. Wayne's hope for investment.
- 210. And I even opened the protected files and—
- 211. How industrious.
- 212. How did you open protected files...
- 213. may I ask?
- 214. I figured your password was "Heraldo,"
your chihuahua, and it was.
- 215. This is all very interesting,
though a bit on the technical side.
- 216. I mean, about how the power plant
is a power plant in name only...
- 217. since, in fact, it's going to be a big, giant...
- 218. capacitor.
- 219. And that, instead of generating power,
it'll sort of be sucking power from...
- 220. Gotham City and storing it...
- 221. stockpiling it.
- 222. Which is a very novel approach, I'd say.
- 223. And who would you say this to?
- 224. Nobody.
- 225. What did curiosity do to the cat?
- 226. I'm no cat.
- 227. I'm just an assistant.
- 228. A secretary.
- 229. And a very good one.
- 230. Too good?
- 231. Listen, it's our secret. Honest.
- 232. How can you be so mean
to someone so meaningless?
- 233. This power plant...
- 234. is my legacy. It's what I leave behind...
- 235. for Chip.
- 236. Nothing must prevent that.
- 237. Go ahead. Intimidate me,
bully me, if it makes you feel big.
- 238. I mean, it's not like you can just kill me!
- 239. Actually, it's a lot like that.
- 240. You know, for a second there,
you really frightened me.
- 241. Really?
- 242. Honey, I'm home.
- 243. I forgot. I'm not married.
- 244. Selina, this is your mother. Call me.
- 245. Selina, this is your mother.
Why haven't you called me back?
- 246. Hello, Selina Kyle.
- 247. We're just calling to make sure
you've tried Gotham Lady perfume.
- 248. One whiff of this at the office and
your boss will ask you to stay after work...
- 249. for a candlelight staff meeting for two.
- 250. Gotham Lady perfume.
Exclusively at Shreck's department store.
- 251. I don't know about you,
Miss Kitty, but I feel...
- 252. so much yummier.
- 253. Well, ladies and gentlemen...
- 254. I stand before you once again...
- 255. to denounce the urban chaos we seem
to have to live with in our great city.
- 256. It's got to stop.
- 257. And it's going to stop.
Our community is coming apart...
- 258. in a season
when it should be coming together.
- 259. I don't care what the cynics may say.
This is the Christmas season.
- 260. It should be a time of healing.
- 261. And I tell you that, not only as an official...
- 262. but as a husband and a father.
- 263. Last night's violence
will not happen again.
- 264. I'm not really one for speeches,
so I'll just say, "Thanks."
- 265. No! It's the hideous Penguin Man.
- 266. Here, take the baby.
Just don't hurt me, please.
- 267. This was the remarkable scene
only minutes ago in Gotham Plaza.
- 268. The mysterious Penguin saving the life
of the Mayor's baby and...
- 269. - announcing his presence to the world.
- All want in return...
- 270. is a chance to find my mom and dad.
- 271. A chance to find out who they are...
- 272. and thusly, who I am.
- 273. And then, with my parents...
- 274. try to understand why.
- 275. Why they did what I guess
they felt they had to do...
- 276. to a child who was born...
- 277. a little different.
- 278. A child who spent his first Christmas...
- 279. and many since...
- 280. in a sewer.
- 281. Mr. Wayne? Is something wrong?
- 282. No.
- 283. His parents.
- 284. Again, this scene,
direct from Gotham Plaza...
- 285. where we have just witnessed...
- 286. I hope he finds them.
- 287. Here he is, standing alongside
Gotham's leading citizen, Max Shreck.
- 288. How about a statement?
People want to know.
- 289. - Penguin's not to be disturbed.
- This is a public place.
- 290. - Take a walk. Move!
- You're violating the First Amendment.
- 291. - Breaching the freedom of the press!
- Wait a minute.
- 292. What about the freedom
to rediscover your roots...
- 293. with dignity and privacy?
- 294. What's the deal, Mr. Shreck?
Is the Penguin a personal friend?
- 295. Yes, he's a personal friend
of this whole city, so have a heart.
- 296. Give the Constitution a rest, okay?
- 297. "Red Triangle Circus put on a swell show
with fierce lions.
- 298. "Circus return for two-week...
- 299. "Kids will love..."
- 300. Thanks.
- 301. - It's cold!
- It's vichyssoise, sir.
- 302. It's supposed to be cold.
- 303. "Circus is back with a freak show.
May not be suitable for kids.
- 304. "Featuring a poodle lady...
- 305. "the world's fattest man...
- 306. "and aquatic bird-boy."
- 307. Why are you now determined to prove...
- 308. that this Penguin is not what he seems?
- 309. Must you be
the only lonely man-beast in town?
- 310. "The circus folded its tents yesterday...
- 311. "perhaps forever, after numerous reports
of missing children in several towns.
- 312. "Police have closed down
the Red Triangle's fairgrounds.
- 313. "However, at least one
freak-show performer vanished before...
- 314. "he could be questioned.”
- 315. I suppose you feel better now, sir.
- 316. No.
- 317. Actually, I feel worse.
- 318. Why're you still out?
- 319. Are you concerned about that strange,
heroic Penguin person?
- 320. I think he knows who his parents are.
- 321. There's something else.
- 322. Penguin!
- 323. Can we get a statement from you?
- 324. So, Mr. Penguin—
- 325. A penguin is a bird that cannot fly.
- 326. I am a man.
- 327. I have a name.
- 328. Oswald Cobblepot!
- 329. Mr. Cobblepot, you'll never get a chance
to settle up with them?
- 330. True.
- 331. I was their number one son...
- 332. and they treated me like number two.
- 333. But it's human nature to fear...
- 334. the unusual.
- 335. Perhaps when I held...
- 336. my Tiffany baby rattle...
- 337. with a shiny flipper...
- 338. instead of five chubby digits...
- 339. they freaked.
- 340. But I forgive them.
- 341. "You don't need hands
as long as you've got heart.
- 342. "My heart is filled with love.
I feel 5 feet tall."
- 343. - He's like a frog that became a prince.
- No, he's more like a penguin.
- 344. Now, pretty little thing.
- 345. Nice and easy.
- 346. I just love a big, strong man
who's not afraid to show it...
- 347. with someone half his size.
- 348. Be gentle, it's my first time.
- 349. Tic-tac-toe.
- 350. Thanks. I-
- 351. You make it so easy, don't you?
- 352. Always waiting for some Batman
to save you.
- 353. I am Catwoman.
- 354. Hear me roar.
- 355. I'd offer you coffee, but my assistant
is using her vacation time.
- 356. Good time too.
- 357. Everyone but the bandits will be
slacking off till after New Year, anyway.
- 358. - I'm not sure I like the inference, Bruce.
- Sorry, Max. I didn't realize I made one.
- 359. I'm pushing this power plant now
because it'll cost more later.
- 360. A million saved is a million earned.
- 361. I commissioned this report. I thought
you might want to take a look at it.
- 362. The point is, Max, Gotham City has
a power surplus. I'm sure you know that.
- 363. My question is...
- 364. what's your angle?
- 365. Power surplus? Bruce, shame on you.
- 366. No such thing.
One can never have too much power.
- 367. If my life has a meaning,
that's the meaning.
- 368. Yeah, well, I'm gonna fight you on this.
I've already spoken to the Mayor...
- 369. - and we see eye to eye.
- Mayors come and go.
- 370. Blue bloods tire easy.
- 371. You think you could go 15 rounds
with Muhammad Shreck?
- 372. Well, I guess we're gonna find out.
- 373. Of course, I don't have a crime boss
like Cobblepot in my corner, so—
- 374. Crime boss? Shows what you know...
- 375. Mr. To-the-manor-born-
- 376. Oswald is Gotham's new golden boy.
- 377. If his parents hadn't 86'd him...
- 378. you two might have been bunkies
at prep school.
- 379. Oswald controls the Red Triangle Gang.
I can't prove it yet, but we both—
- 380. Wayne, I'll not stand for mudslinging
in this office.
- 381. If my assistant was here, she already
would have escorted you out...
- 382. Anywhere he wants.
- 383. Preferably some nightspot, grotto...
- 384. or secluded hideaway.
- 385. - Nice suit.
- 386. Selina.
- 387. That's my name, Maximillions.
- 388. Don't wear it out,
or I'll make you buy me a new one.
- 389. This is Bruce Wayne.
- 390. - Yeah, we've met.
- Have we?
- 391. Oh, I'm sorry. You know what?
I mistook me for somebody else.
- 392. You mean, mistook me.
- 393. I mistook... Yeah. Isn't that what I said?
- 394. No, I don't think so.
- 395. What happened?
- 396. Did you injure yourself on that ski slope?
- 397. Is that why you cut short your vacation?
- 398. It's a blur.
- 399. I mean, not complete amnesia. I remember
Sister Mary Margaret puking in church...
- 400. and Betsy Riley saying
it was morning sickness.
- 401. And I remember the time
I forgot to wear my underpants to school...
- 402. and the name of the boy
who noticed was Ricky Friedburg.
- 403. He's dead now.
- 404. But last night, complete blur.
- 405. Couldn't you just die?
- 406. Selina, please...
- 407. show out Mr. Wayne.
- 408. With pleasure.
- 409. Your coat, Mr. Wayne.
- 410. Right.
- 411. You don't seem like the type
who does business with Mr. Shreck.
- 412. No, you don't seem like the type
that takes orders from him.
- 413. Well, that's a long story.
- 414. I could free up some time.
- 415. - I'm listed.
- I'm tempted.
- 416. I'm working.
- 417. I'm leaving.
- 418. - Dad, you buy that blurry business?
- 419. Nothing surprises me, Chip.
- 420. Except your late mother.
- 421. Who'd have thought
Selina had a brain to damage?
- 422. Bottom line?
- 423. She tries to blackmail me,
I'll drop her out a higher window.
- 424. Meantime, I've got badder fish to fry.
- 425. Oswald, it's Max.
- 426. You're home?
- 427. How've you been?
- 428. Your extended family?
- 429. Good to have a family.
- 430. I'd much rather not be disturbed now.
- 431. Come on downstairs, Oswald.
I have a surprise.
- 432. I don't like surprises.
- 433. Come on down.
- 434. Don't peek.
- 435. You'll spoil it.
- 436. Yes. Adulation is a cross to bear.
God knows, I know.
- 437. But someone's got to supplant our
- 438. And don't deny it, Mr. Cobblepot,
you've got the magic.
- 439. Your charisma's bigger than both of us.
Come on down.
- 440. Mayor?
- 441. Mayor.
- 442. Elections happen in November.
Is this not late December?
- 443. Don't worry about it.
- 444. I want you to meet Jen and Josh,
my image consultants.
- 445. Here.
- 446. Reclaim your birthright.
- 447. I'm Jen. Hi.
- 448. Okay, let's see.
- 449. What I'd like to do first
is put these little glove thingies on you.
- 450. Our research tells us
that voters like fingers.
- 451. So if we wanna just lose this...
- 452. We'll do it another time then, okay?
- 453. Not a lot of reflective surfaces
down in the sewer?
- 454. Still, could be worse.
My nose could be gushing blood.
- 455. Your nose could be...
What do you mean by that?
- 456. Oh, God!
- 457. Everybody, back to work!
- 458. Let's make a mayor!
- 459. You're right, we missed
the regularly scheduled election...
- 460. but elected officials can be recalled,
- 461. given the boot. Look at Nixon. Agnew.
- 462. Then think of you...
- 463. Oswald Cobblepot, filling the void.
- 464. I'd like to fill her void.
- 465. We're gonna need signatures
to overturn the ballot. I can supply those.
- 466. - Teach her my French flipper trick.
- Oswald, we need one more thing.
- 467. A platform?
- 468. Stop global warming. Start global cooling.
Make the world a giant icebox.
- 469. I like it. But to get the Mayor recalled,
we have to have a catalyst, a trigger.
- 470. You're doing great, Mayor Cobblepot.
- 471. Your table is ready, Mayor Cobblepot.
- 472. I need you, Oswald. I need you now.
- 473. That's the biggest parasol I've ever seen.
- 474. Soon. One incident like the Gulf of Tonkin
or the Reichstag fire.
- 475. You want my old friends up there...
- 476. to drive the Mayor into a foaming frenzy?
- 477. - Exactly.
- Sounds fun.
- 478. But...
- 479. I mustn't get sidetracked, Maxie.
- 480. I've got my own things to tend to.
- 481. Sidetracked? Oswald,
this is your chance to fulfill a destiny...
- 482. your parents carelessly discarded.
- 483. Reclaim my birthright, you mean?
- 484. Imagine, as mayor,
you'd have the ear of the media...
- 485. access to the captains of industry...
- 486. unlimited poontang.
- 487. You drive a hard bargain, Maxie.
- 488. All right, I'll be mayor.
- 489. Burn, baby, burn!
- 490. - Who is she?
- What is she?
- 491. I don't know whether to open fire
or fall in love.
- 492. You poor guys.
- 493. Always confusing your pistols
with your privates.
- 494. Don't hurt us, lady.
Our take-home's less than $300.
- 495. You're overpaid. Hit the road.
- 496. Go ahead and hit me.
- 497. Admiring your handiwork?
- 498. Touring the riot scene.
- 499. Gravely assessing the devastation.
- 500. Upstanding mayor stuff.
- 501. You're not the mayor.
- 502. Things change.
- 503. What do you want?
- 504. The direct approach.
I admire that in a man with a mask.
- 505. You don't really think you'll win, do you?
- 506. Things change.
- 507. Meow.
- 508. I saw her first. Gotta fly.
- 509. How could you? I'm a woman.
- 510. I'm sorry. I-
- 511. As I was saying, I'm a woman
and can't be taken for granted.
- 512. Life's a bitch, now so am ll.
- 513. Who are you?
Who's the man behind the bat?
- 514. Maybe you can help me find...
- 515. the woman behind the cat.
- 516. No, that's not you.
- 517. There you are.
- 518. Saved by Kitty Litter.
- 519. Bastard!
- 520. Alfred...
- 521. bring me some antiseptic ointment,
- 522. Coming. Are you in pain, Sir?
- 523. No. Not really.
- 524. Meow.
- 525. Thank you.
- 526. I may have saved the Mayor's baby...
- 527. but I refuse to save a mayor...
- 528. who stood by, helpless as a baby...
- 529. while Gotham was ravaged by a disease...
- 530. that turned Eagle Scouts
into crazed clowns...
- 531. and happy homemakers into catwomen.
- 532. Thank you.
- 533. Oswald Cobblepot, the mystery man-beast
who's been romancing Gotham...
- 534. today made his bid to run Gotham.
- 535. Thank you.
- 536. Mr. Cobblepot, you are the coolest
role model a young person could have.
- 537. And you're the hottest young person
a role model could have.
- 538. Here.
- 539. Wear a button.
- 540. Let me just get it on there.
- 541. Thank you.
- 542. I could really get into this mayor stuff.
- 543. It's not about power,
it's about reaching out to people...
- 544. touching people, groping people.
- 545. - Penguin—
- My name's not Penguin!
- 546. It's Oswald Cobblepot.
- 547. Oswald, there's somebody here
to see you.
- 548. Just the pussy I've been looking for.
- 549. It's chilly in here.
- 550. - I'll warm you.
- Down, Oswald.
- 551. We need to talk.
- 552. You see, you and I
have something in common.
- 553. Sounds familiar.
- 554. Appetite for destruction?
- 555. Contempt for the czars of fashion?
- 556. Wait, don't tell me.
- 557. Naked sexual charisma?
- 558. Batman.
- 559. The thorn in both our sides.
- 560. The fly in our ointment.
- 561. Ointment?
- 562. I've got scented or unscented.
- 563. I'll come back later.
- 564. Perchance, are you a registered voter?
I am a mayoral prospect.
- 565. I have but one pet cause today.
- 566. Ban the bat.
- 567. Oh, him again. No bother.
He's already history. Check it out.
- 568. We're gonna disassemble his Batmobile
and turn it into an H-bomb on wheels.
- 569. No.
- 570. He'd have even more power as a martyr.
- 571. To destroy Batman, we must first
turn him into what he hates the most.
- 572. Namely, us.
- 573. You mean, frame him?
- 574. Not even in office yet
and already an enemies list?
- 575. Those names are not for prying eyes.
- 576. Why should I trust
some cat-broad, anyway?
- 577. Maybe you're just a screwed-up sorority
chick who's getting back at her daddy...
- 578. for not buying her that pony
when she turned sweet 16.
- 579. Nice birdie.
- 580. Nice Kitty.
- 581. Look, Batman napalmed my arm.
- 582. He knocked me off a building just when
I was starting to feel good about myself.
- 583. I want to play an integral part
in his degradation.
- 584. A plan is forming.
- 585. I want in.
- 586. The thought of busting Batman
makes me feel all...
- 587. dirty.
- 588. Maybe I'll just give myself a bath
- 589. I challenge the Mayor...
- 590. to relight the Christmas tree
in Gotham Plaza tomorrow night.
- 591. Sir, shall we change the channel
to a program with some dignity and class?
- 592. The Love Connection perhaps?
- 593. Not that I have any faith in the Mayor.
- 594. But I hope and pray that Batman...
- 595. will be present to preserve the peace.
Thank you very much.
- 596. Subtle.
- 597. Why are you doing this?
- 598. Selina?
- 599. Hi. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.
- 600. Scare me? No.
I was just scaring myself, actually.
- 601. I don't see how, but...
- 602. It's nice to see you out in the real world,
away from Shreck.
- 603. Well, it's nice to be here.
- 604. You all right?
- 605. You look like maybe you have
the holiday blues or something.
- 606. No.
- 607. Boy, the news these days. Weird.
- 608. I heard on TV that...
- 609. Catwoman is thought to weigh
- 610. I don't know how these hacks
sleep at night.
- 611. It's not even accurate. "Batman blows it"?
- 612. He probably saved millions of dollars
in property damage alone.
- 613. You're not going to that, are you?
The relighting of the tree thing?
- 614. No. I wouldn't be caught dead there.
- 615. It's going to be a hot time
on the cold town tonight.
- 616. You got kind of a dark side, don't you?
- 617. No darker than yours, Bruce.
- 618. Listen, why don't you come over
and we can watch it together on TV?
- 619. - What?
- The tree-lighting ceremony.
- 620. I can't. I have to be somewhere tonight.
- 621. How about if you come over
for an early dinner. Let's say 5:007
- 622. Let's say 6:007
- 623. Okay, 5:00.
- 624. 5:00. You and me. Okay?
- 625. The tree lights up,
and then I push the button.
- 626. No, wait.
- 627. I press the button,
and then the tree lights up.
- 628. - Who are you?
- Talent scout.
- 629. Come in.
- 630. You know, I don't just light trees.
I'm an actress, as well.
- 631. What is that thing?
A camera or something?
- 632. Say cheese.
- 633. Cheese.
- 634. Thanks, Alfred.
- 635. I'm sure he's wonderful company...
- 636. but doesn't the gold-plated bachelor bit
get a little stale?
- 637. A lot like the lonely secretary syndrome,
- 638. - Executive assistant.
- 639. Secretary.
- 640. Any girlfriend?
- 641. Sure.
- 642. You mean, as in serious?
- 643. No. Had one, didn't work.
- 644. What went wrong?
Hang on, I think I know.
- 645. - You kept things from her.
- No, I told her everything.
- 646. And the truth frightened her?
- 647. There are two truths, you know?
- 648. She had trouble reconciling them,
because I had trouble...
- 649. reconciling them.
- 650. - See, Vicki thought—
- 651. Ice skater or stewardess?
- 652. No, she was a photojournalist.
- 653. Was Vicki right
about your difficulty with duality?
- 654. If I say yes, then...
- 655. you're gonna think of me as...
- 656. a Norman Bates, Ted Bundy type and...
- 657. Well, you might not let me kiss you.
- 658. It's the so-called normal guys
who always let you down.
- 659. Sickos never scare me.
At least they're committed.
- 660. - You can't do that.
- Neither can ll.
- 661. The Ice Princess has been kidnapped.
- 662. can you confirm for us
the reports we're hearing...
- 663. of Batman's suspected involvement
in the abduction?
- 664. This evidence is purely circumstantial.
- 665. This was found, stained with blood,
in the missing girl's dressing room.
- 666. - I got to get out of here.
- No, it's your house.
- 667. Hold on. Just sit for a second and relax.
I'll be right back.
- 668. - Alfred, I've got to get down to the plaza.
- I saw it.
- 669. I know.
He's practically begging me to show up.
- 670. Which is why I hoped you'd snub him.
- 671. No, I can't. There's been a kidnapping.
Here's what I want you to do.
- 672. Shit!
- 673. Tell Selina, you know, Miss Kyle in there,
tell her I had to go out of town.
- 674. Tell her there's a big business deal
that came up. No, you know what?
- 675. Let her know, not in some kind of dumb,
be-my-girlfriend kind of way—
- 676. - I will relay the message.
- 677. - Miss Kyle...
- 678. - Mr. Wayne told me to tell you that—
- Mr. Wayne?
- 679. Bruce, yes.
- 680. Would you tell him for me that...
- 681. I've been going through
a lot of changes and...
- 682. No. Just that...
- 683. this is not a rejection, my abruptly leaving.
- 684. In fact, he makes me feel the way...
- 685. I hope I really am.
- 686. No.
- 687. Could you just make up a sonnet
or something, a dirty limerick?
- 688. - One has just sprung to mind.
- 689. - This way, ma'am.
- 690. Where is that?
- 691. Ladies and gentlemen.
- 692. Please, if I could have your attention
for just a minute.
- 693. Folks, I know that to many of you...
- 694. Gotham seems a bit beleaguered
- 695. But I want you to know
that your elected officials...
- 696. and your police department
have the situation well in hand.
- 697. - Gotta hurry.
- Thank you.
- 698. It was set up to look like I did this.
- 699. No sweat. I'll just tell the police...
- 700. I was kidnapped by an ugly birdman
with fish breath.
- 701. Did somebody say "fish"?
- 702. I haven't been fed all day.
- 703. Eat floor.
- 704. High fiber.
- 705. Hey, stud...
- 706. - I thought we had something together.
- We do.
- 707. Gotta go. Girl talk.
- 708. She let me go. I think
because I reasoned with her, girl to girl.
- 709. Be careful. Don't move.
- 710. Lawn dart!
- 711. Rats with wings, do your thing.
- 712. Batman pushed the Princess!
- 713. Hold your fire!
- 714. You're catnip to a girl like me.
- 715. Handsome, dazed...
- 716. and to die for.
- 717. Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
- 718. But a kiss can be even deadlier
if you mean it.
- 719. You're the second man
who killed me this week.
- 720. But I've got seven lives left.
- 721. I tried to save you—
- 722. Seems like every woman you try to save
ends up dead.
- 723. Or deeply resentful.
- 724. Maybe you should retire.
- 725. Damn.
- 726. Outstanding.
- 727. You're Beauty and the Beast...
- 728. in one luscious Christmas gift pack.
- 729. You said you were going to scare
the Ice Princess.
- 730. She looked pretty scared to me.
- 731. Touch of the bubbly?
- 732. So, what are we waiting for?
- 733. Let's consummate our fiendish union.
- 734. What are you talking about?
- 735. Oh, come on. Can't you picture?
- 736. It's dark in the mayor's mansion.
- 737. I'm bushed,
so here you come into the bedroom...
- 738. twitching your little tail...
- 739. my slippers in one hand,
a dry martini in the other.
- 740. Oh, please.
- 741. I wouldn't touch you to scratch you.
- 742. You lousy minx!
I ought to have you spayed!
- 743. You sent out all the signals!
- 744. And I don't think I like you anymore!
- 745. Goodbye, my unintended. Go to heaven.
- 746. Thank you.
- 747. There he is!
- 748. Don't adjust your sets.
- 749. Welcome to
the Oswald Cobblepot School of Driving.
- 750. Gentlemen, start your screaming.
- 751. Maybe this is a bad time to mention this,
but my license has expired!
- 752. Just relax.
- 753. I'll take care of the squealing,
wretched, pinhead puppets of Gotham!
- 754. You got to admit,
I played this stinking city...
- 755. like a harp from hell!
- 756. Helpless old lady at 12:00 high.
- 757. That's funny.
- 758. Now I'm a little worried.
- 759. So he survived. What's the worry?
- 760. He didn't even lose a limb,
an eyeball, bladder control.
- 761. The point is listen to them.
They've lost faith in old symbols.
- 762. They're ready to bond with you,
the icon of the future.
- 763. If it works, don't fix it.
- 764. We'll celebrate tonight
at my annual Max-querade Ball.
- 765. Shreck and Cobblepot...
- 766. the visionary alliance. Come on.
- 767. When it came time...
- 768. to ensure the safety of our fair city...
- 769. did the Mayor have a plan?
- 770. No!
- 771. No!
- 772. He relied on a man.
- 773. A Batman.
- 774. A ticking time-bomb
of a costumed freak...
- 775. Our prime concern
is this ghastly grotesque.
- 776. But let's not forget
about repairing the Batmobile.
- 777. There's security to consider.
- 778. It's not as though we can take it
to any old Joe's body shop, is it, sir?
- 779. Security?
- 780. Who let Vicki Vale into the Batcave?
- 781. I'm sitting there working,
and I turn around...
- 782. and there she is. "Hi, Vick. Come on in."
- 783. - Ready?
- I think I'll take the stairs.
- 784. You ask me
am I up here for personal glory?
- 785. No.
- 786. ! toiled for many years...
- 787. in utter obscurity
beneath your boulevards.
- 788. The glory that I yearn to recapture...
- 789. is the glory of Gotham!
- 790. How can this be accomplished?
- 791. I know you're all concerned.
- 792. Hey, just relax.
- 793. I'll take care of the squealing,
wretched, pinhead puppets of Gotham!
- 794. I didn't say that.
- 795. You got to admit,
I played this stinking city...
- 796. like a harp from hell!
- 797. Get out of here!
- 798. Why is there always someone who
brings eggs and tomatoes to a speech?
- 799. There he is!
- 800. My babies.
- 801. Did you miss me?
- 802. Did you miss me?
- 803. Great speech, Oswald.
- 804. My name is not Oswald! It's Penguin!
- 805. I am not a human being!
- 806. I am an animal! Cold-blooded!
- 807. Crank the AC!
- 808. Where are my lists? Bring me the names!
- 809. It's time.
- 810. These are the names
of the first-born sons of Gotham City.
- 811. Just like I was.
- 812. And like me, a terrible fate waits for them.
- 813. Tonight, while their parents party...
- 814. they'll be dreaming away...
- 815. in their safe cribs...
- 816. their soft beds...
- 817. and we will snatch them...
- 818. carry them into the sewer...
- 819. and toss them
into a deep, dark, watery grave.
- 820. Penguin?
- 821. I mean, killing sleeping children,
isn't that a little...
- 822. No, it's a lot.
- 823. Mr. Wayne, a reminder.
- 824. Tonight is that loathsome party
hosted by the odious Mr. Shreck.
- 825. May we RSVP
in the resoundingly negative?
- 826. Not interested.
- 827. Although...
- 828. Selina Kyle might be there.
- 829. Ingenious costume.
- 830. Let me guess.
- 831. Trust fund goodie-goodie.
- 832. Feeling good?
- 833. Well, you almost made a monster
the mayor of Gotham City.
- 834. I am the light of this city...
- 835. and I am its mean, twisted soul.
- 836. Does it matter who's mayor?
- 837. - It does to me.
- 838. Hi.
- 839. I'm sorry about yesterday, but I had...
- 840. a pretty big deal come through.
Fall through, actually.
- 841. It's okay.
I had to go home and feed my cat.
- 842. So no hard feelings, then?
- 843. Actually...
- 844. semi-hard, I'd say.
- 845. There's a big, comfy California King
over in Bedding.
- 846. What do you say?
- 847. You mean, take off our costumes?
- 848. I guess I'm tired of wearing masks.
- 849. Me too.
- 850. Let me ask you something.
- 851. Why'd you come tonight?
- 852. - You first.
- To see you.
- 853. That's lovely.
- 854. I really wish I could say the same,
but I came for Max.
- 855. What do you mean? You and...
- 856. Not you and Max.
- 857. Me and Max.
- 858. No. This and Max.
- 859. Don't give me
a killing-Max-won't-solve-anything speech.
- 860. Because it will.
- 861. Aren't you tired of this
- 862. always coming out on top
when he should be six feet under?
- 863. I'm sure you have a lot of problems
with your boss...
- 864. but who the hell do you think you are?
- 865. I don't know anymore, Bruce.
- 866. A kiss under the mistletoe.
- 867. Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
- 868. But a kiss can be even deadlier...
- 869. if you mean it.
- 870. Oh, my God.
- 871. Does this mean we have to start fighting?
- 872. Let's go outside.
- 873. - Are you okay?
- I'm all right.
- 874. You didn't invite me, so I crashed!
- 875. - What do you want?
- Right now, my troops...
- 876. are fanning out across town...
- 877. for your children! Yes!
- 878. For your first-born sons!
- 879. The ones you left defenseless at home...
- 880. so you could dress up like jerks...
- 881. get juiced and dance...
- 882. badly!
- 883. I've personally come...
- 884. for Gotham's favorite son:
- 885. Mr. Chip Shreck.
- 886. You're coming with me,
you great white dope...
- 887. to die way down in the sewer.
- 888. Not Chip. If you have an iota
of human feeling, take me instead.
- 889. I don't. So, no.
- 890. I'm the one you want. Ask yourself.
- 891. Isn't it Max Shreck
who manipulated and betrayed you?
- 892. Isn't it Max, not Chip...
- 893. who you want to see immersed
to his eyeballs in raw sewage?
- 894. Okay, you got a point.
- 895. I'll let the little prince live for now.
- 896. In the duck!
- 897. This is gonna be good...
- 898. to cut down a whole crop
of Gotham's most promising...
- 899. before their prime.
- 900. You ask me, how do I lure them in?
- 901. A little Pied Penguin action.
- 902. And you get to watch them sink...
- 903. into a deep puddle...
- 904. of your industrial by-products.
- 905. Then you join them.
- 906. Would you hurry up
and get those kids loaded already?
- 907. Right this way, kiddies. Come on.
- 908. Come with me.
- 909. So, where are all the children?
- 910. Batman."
- 911. My dear penguins...
- 912. we stand on a great threshold.
- 913. It's okay to be scared.
- 914. Many of you won't be coming back.
- 915. Thanks to Batman, the time has come...
- 916. to punish all of God's children.
- 917. First-, second-, third-, and fourth-born!
- 918. Why be biased?
- 919. Male and female!
- 920. Hell, the sexes are equal...
- 921. with their erogenous zones
- 922. Forward march!
- 923. The liberation of Gotham...
- 924. has begun!
- 925. The penguins are moving above ground.
- 926. Penguin army
approaching launch destination...
- 927. at Gotham Plaza.
- 928. One minute until ignition.
- 929. They wouldn't put me on a pedestal...
- 930. so I'm laying them on a slab!
- 931. The penguins seem to be converging
on Gotham Plaza.
- 932. Thirty seconds until ignition.
- 933. Estimated casualties after launch:
- 934. 100,000 people.
- 935. The penguins have reached
- 936. Fifteen seconds to ignition.
- 937. Ready when you are, sir.
- 938. I've got the coordinates.
- 939. Ten, nine, eight, seven...
- 940. - All right. Let's turn them around.
- Yes, sir.
- 941. Something is wrong.
- 942. Something has jammed the signal.
- 943. They seem to be turning around.
- 944. There is also something coming this way.
- 945. Very large. Very fast.
- 946. Who's there?
- 947. All right,
I'm homing in on the signal's origin.
- 948. You're just jealous
because I'm a genuine freak...
- 949. and you have to wear a mask!
- 950. You might be right.
- 951. But what it all comes down to is,
who's holding the umbrella?
- 952. My babies!
- 953. I don't know what you want, but I know I
can get it for you with a minimum of fuss.
- 954. Money, jewels...
- 955. a very big ball of string.
- 956. - Your blood, Max.
- My blood?
- 957. I gave at the office.
- 958. A half-pint. I'm talking gallons.
- 959. Let's make a deal.
- 960. Other than my blood,
what can I do for you?
- 961. Sorry, Max. A die for a die.
- 962. You're not just saving a life,
- 963. Shut up. You're going to jail.
- 964. Don't be naive. The law doesn't apply
to people like him or us.
- 965. Wrong on both counts.
- 966. Why are you doing this?
- 967. Let's just take him to the police.
- 968. Then we can go home...
- 969. together.
- 970. Selina...
- 971. don't you see?
- 972. We're the same.
- 973. We're the same.
- 974. Split, right down the center.
- 975. Selina, please.
- 976. Bruce...
- 977. I would love to live with you
in your castle...
- 978. forever, just like in a fairy tale.
- 979. I just couldn't live with myself.
So don't pretend this is a happy ending.
- 980. Selina Kyle.
- 981. You're fired.
- 982. And Bruce Wayne...
- 983. why are you dressed up like Batman?
- 984. Because he is Batman, you moron.
- 985. Was.
- 986. Don't.
- 987. You killed me, the Penguin killed me,
Batman killed me.
- 988. That's three lives down.
You got enough in there to finish me off?
- 989. One way to find out.
- 990. Four, five.
- 991. Still alive!
- 992. Six, seven.
- 993. All good girls go to heaven.
- 994. Two lives left.
- 995. I think I'll save one for next Christmas.
- 996. But in the meantime...
- 997. how about a kiss, Santie Claus?
- 998. Shit! I picked a cute one.
- 999. The heat's getting to me.
- 1000. I'll murder you momentarily.
- 1001. But first...
- 1002. I need a cool drink...
- 1003. of ice water.
- 1004. Alfred, stop the car.
- 1005. Well, come what may,
merry Christmas, Mr. Wayne.
- 1006. Merry Christmas, Alfred.
- 1007. "Goodwill toward men."
- 1008. And women.
- 1009. Adapted by:
SDI Media Group