- 1. - Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- 2. Merry Christmas.
- 3. Penguin sighting!
Check it out! Man or myth?
- 4. What is he? Today's edition.
Another Penguin sighting.
- 5. Another Penguin sighting! Check it out!
- 6. Grotesque penguin-man living in Gotham
sewers. Read all about the latest sighting.
- 7. Could I have your attention, Gotham City?
- 8. It is time for tonight's lighting of the tree.
- 9. How about that?
- 10. Part man, part penguin. All horrifying!
- 11. Find out for only 50 cents. Come on!
- 12. Read about the possible terror
beneath our feet. Check it out, people!
- 13. Read about it! Today's issue.
- 14. Read about the latest sighting
of the penguin creature.
- 15. Missing link between man and bird.
- 16. My dear boy...
- 17. sometimes it's a diversion
to read such rubbish.
- 18. Most of the time, it's a waste of time.
- 19. Whatever. Today's issue, the Penguin.
Check him out. Man or myth?
- 20. The Globe. Right here. Twenty-five cents.
- 21. Well, here's hoping.
- 22. Maybe with a little luck, Gotham will have
its first merry Christmas in a good long while.
- 23. I feel almost vulgar in this yuletide context
mentioning the new power plant.
- 24. But if we're gonna break ground,
when we gotta break ground...
- 25. I'll need permits, variances, tax incentives.
That sort of pesky nonsense.
- 26. Power plant?
- 27. Max, all our studies show us
we've got enough power...
- 28. to get us into the middle of the next century.
- 29. Your analysts are talking growth
at 1 percent per annum.
- 30. That's not growth. That's a mild swelling.
- 31. Imagine a Gotham City...
- 32. of the future, lit up like a blanket of stars...
- 33. but blinking on and off...
- 34. embarrassingly low on juice.
- 35. Frankly...
- 36. I cringe, Mr. Mayor.
- 37. Sorry, any plans you've got will have
to go to the usual committees...
- 38. through the usual channels.
- 39. I have a suggestion.
- 40. Well...
- 41. actually, really, just more like a question.
- 42. I'm afraid
we haven't properly housebroken Miss Kyle.
- 43. In the plus column, though...
- 44. she makes a hell of a cup of coffee.
- 45. Dad.
- 46. Mr. Mayor. It's time to go down
and bring joy to the masses.
- 47. "Actually, more of a question."
- 48. You stupid corn dog.
- 49. Oh, God. Corn dog.
- 50. All right. Give us some room.
- 51. Wait, let him through, please.
- 52. I have enough signatures from Shreck
employees alone to warrant a recall.
- 53. That's not a threat, just simple numbers.
- 54. Maybe. But you don't have an issue, Max.
- 55. And you sure as hell don't have a candidate.
- 56. Hello, Mr. Shreck!
- 57. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
- 58. From those of us at City Hall
to each and every one of you...
- 59. happy holidays.
- 60. We have with us tonight
a man who really needs no introduction.
- 61. He's given so much to our city.
- 62. Will you welcome, please,
Gotham's own Santa Claus: Max Shreck.
- 63. Pick up those contracts from Personnel and...
- 64. pick up the dry cleaning, paper towels...
- 65. Oh, darn.
- 66. Forgot my speech.
- 67. Remind me to take it out on what's-her-name.
- 68. Santa Claus? Afraid not.
- 69. I'm just a poor schmo who got lucky.
- 70. And sue me if I want to give some back.
- 71. I only wish I could hand out more
than just expensive baubles.
- 72. I wish I could hand out world peace...
- 73. and unconditional love...
- 74. wrapped in a big bow.
- 75. Oh, but you can. Oh, but you will.
- 76. Merry Christmas.
- 77. - Great idea.
- Not mine.
- 78. Let's go!
- 79. What're you waiting for? The signal!
- 80. We want the big guy!
The guy who runs the show!
- 81. - What do you want?
- Not you!
- 82. - Shreck!
- You'll have to go through me.
- 83. Ooh.
- 84. - Chip.
- Dad, go! Save yourself!
- 85. Dad, go!
- 86. Shut up!
- 87. You take one step closer, Mr. Man-bat, and...
- 88. Ha-ha-ha. You missed.
- 89. Wow.
- 90. The Batman.
- 91. Or is it just Batman?
- 92. Uh, your choice, of course.
- 93. Well, that was very brief.
- 94. Just like all the men in my life.
- 95. I know, what men?
- 96. Well...
- 97. Then again, there's you. But you need therapy.
- 98. Thanks for saving the day, Batman.
I'm afraid the Circus Gang is back.
- 99. We'll see.
- 100. They almost made off with our mover
and shaker, Max Shreck, but...
- 101. Where is that insufferable son of a bitch?
- 102. Hi.
- 103. I believe the word you're looking for is...
- 104. Actually, this is all just a bad dream.
- 105. You're at home in bed...
- 106. heavily sedated, resting comfortably...
- 107. dying from the carcinogens
you've personally spewed...
- 108. in a lifetime of profiteering.
- 109. Tragic irony or poetic justice?
- 110. You tell me.
- 111. My God, it's true.
- 112. Penguin Man of the sewer.
- 113. Odd as it may seem, Max...
- 114. you and I have something in common.
- 115. We're both perceived as monsters.
- 116. But somehow...
- 117. you're a well-respected monster...
- 118. and I am, to date, not!
- 119. Frankly, I feel that's a bum rap.
I'm a businessman.
- 120. Tough, yes.
- 121. Shrewd, okay.
But that does not make me a monster.
- 122. Don't embarrass yourself, Max!
I know all about you.
- 123. What you hide, I discover.
- 124. What you put in your toilet...
- 125. I place on my mantle. Get the picture?
- 126. What, is that supposed to hypnotize me?
- 127. No, just give you a splitting headache.
- 128. It's not working.
- 129. You big baby! Just blanks.
- 130. Would I go through all this trouble tonight
just to kill you?
- 131. No, Max.
- 132. I have an entirely other purpose.
- 133. I'm ready, Max.
- 134. I've been down here too long.
- 135. It's time for me to ascend...
- 136. to re-emerge...
- 137. with your help...
- 138. your know-how...
- 139. your savvy.
- 140. I wasn't born in the sewer, you know.
- 141. I come from...
- 142. Like you.
- 143. And, like you, I want some respect!
- 144. A recognition of my basic humanity.
- 145. But most of all...
- 146. I want to find out who I am
by finding my parents...
- 147. learning my human name.
- 148. Simple stuff that the good people
of Gotham take for granted!
- 149. And...
- 150. exactly why am I gonna help you?
- 151. Well...
- 152. Let's start.
- 153. Ooh. What have we here? Let's see.
- 154. A batch of toxic waste...
- 155. from your clean textile plant.
- 156. There's a whole lagoon of this crud in the back.
- 157. That could have come from anywhere.
- 158. What about the documents that prove
you own half the firetraps in Gotham City?
- 159. If there were such documents...
- 160. that's not an admission.
- 161. I would have seen to it they were shredded.
- 162. Good idea.
- 163. A lot of tape and a little patience
make all the difference.
- 164. By the way...
- 165. how's Fred Atkins, your old partner?
- 166. Fred?
- 167. Fred's actually...
- 168. I believe he's on extended vacation. He's good.
- 169. Good.
- 170. Hiya, Max. Remember me? I'm Fred's hand!
- 171. You want to greet any other body parts?
- 172. Remember, Max...
- 173. you flush it, I flaunt it.
- 174. You know what, Mr. Penguin, sir?
- 175. I think perhaps...
- 176. I could help orchestrate
a little welcome-home scenario for you.
- 177. Once we're both back home,
perhaps we can help each other out.
- 178. You won't regret this, Mr. Shreck.
- 179. Honey, I'm home!
- 180. I forgot. I'm not married.
- 181. Miss Kitty.
- 182. Back from more sexual escapades
you refuse to share?
- 183. Not that I'd ever pry.
- 184. Drink your dinner.
- 185. What?
- 186. How can anyone be so pathetic?
- 187. Yes, to you I seem pathetic.
But I'm a working girl.
- 188. Gotta pay the rent. Maybe if you were
chipping in instead of stepping out.
- 189. Selina, dear,
it's your mother. Just calling to say hello.
- 190. Yeah, right, but...
- 191. But I'm disappointed
you're not coming home for Christmas.
- 192. I want to discuss just why you insist
on languishing in Gotham City...
- 193. as some lowly secretary.
- 194. Lowly assistant.
- 195. Selina,
about that Christmas getaway we planned...
- 196. I'll be going alone. Dr. Shaw says I need
to be my own person, not an appendage.
- 197. Some appendage!
- 198. The party never stops
on Selina Kyle's answering machine.
- 199. Guess I should've let him win
that last racquetball game.
- 200. Hello, Selina Kyle.
- 201. We're calling to tell you
about exciting new Gotham Lady perfume.
- 202. It makes women feel like women
and the men have no complaints, either.
- 203. Hey, Selina.
- 204. This is yourself calling to remind you, honey...
- 205. that you have to come
all the way back to the office...
- 206. You stupid corn dog!
- 207. unless you remembered
to bring home the Bruce Wayne file.
- 208. Because the meeting's on Wednesday.
- 209. Working late?
- 210. Um...
- 211. I'm just boning up
for your Bruce Wayne meeting in the morning.
- 212. I pulled all of the files
on the proposed power plant...
- 213. and Mr. Wayne's hope-for investment.
- 214. And I even opened the protected files and...
- 215. How industrious.
- 216. How did you open protected files...
- 217. may I ask?
- 218. Um, well...
- 219. I figured your password was "Heraldo,"
your chihuahua, and it was.
- 220. Um, this is all very interesting,
though a bit on the technical side.
- 221. I mean, about how the power plant is
a power plant in name only...
- 222. since, in fact, it's gonna be a big, giant...
- 223. capacitor.
- 224. And that, instead of generating power,
it'll sort of be sucking power from...
- 225. um, Gotham City and storing it...
- 226. stockpiling it.
- 227. Which is a very novel approach, I'd say.
- 228. And who would you say this to?
- 229. Um...
- 230. Nobody.
- 231. What did curiosity do to the cat?
- 232. I'm no cat.
- 233. I'm just an assistant.
- 234. A secretary.
- 235. And a very good one.
- 236. Too good?
- 237. Listen, it's our secret. Honest.
- 238. How can you be so mean
to someone so meaningless?
- 239. This power plant...
- 240. is my legacy. It's what I leave behind...
- 241. for Chip.
- 242. Nothing must prevent that.
- 243. Okay.
- 244. Go ahead. Intimidate me,
bully me, if it makes you feel big.
- 245. I mean, it's not like you can just kill me!
- 246. Actually, it's a lot like that.
- 247. Huh?
- 248. Huh?
- 249. You know, for a second there,
you really frightened me.
- 250. Really?
- 251. Honey, I'm home.
- 252. I forgot. I'm not married.
- 253. Selina, this is your mother. Call me.
- 254. Selina, this is your mother.
Why haven't you called me back?
- 255. Hello, Selina Kyle.
- 256. We're just calling to make sure
you've tried Gotham Lady perfume.
- 257. One whiff of this at the office
and your boss will ask you to stay after work...
- 258. for a candlelight staff meeting for two.
- 259. Gotham Lady perfume.
Exclusively at Shreck's department store.
- 260. I don't know about you, Miss Kitty, but I feel...
- 261. so much yummier.
- 262. Well, ladies and gentlemen...
- 263. I stand before you once again...
- 264. to denounce the urban chaos
we seem to have to live with in our great city.
- 265. It's got to stop.
- 266. And it's going to stop.
Our community is coming apart...
- 267. in a season when it should be coming together.
- 268. I don't care what the cynics may say.
This is the Christmas season.
- 269. It should be a time of healing.
- 270. And I tell you that, not only as an official...
- 271. but as a husband and a father.
- 272. Last night's violence will not happen again.
- 273. I'm not really one for speeches,
so I'll just say, "Thanks."
- 274. No! It's the hideous Penguin Man.
- 275. Here, take the baby. Just don't hurt me, please.
- 276. This was the remarkable scene
only minutes ago in Gotham Plaza.
- 277. The mysterious Penguin saving the life
of the mayor's baby and...
- 278. - announcing his presence to the world.
- All I want in return...
- 279. is a chance to find my mom and dad.
- 280. A chance to find out who they are...
- 281. and thusly, who I am.
- 282. And then, with my parents...
- 283. try to understand why.
- 284. Why they did what I guess
they felt they had to do...
- 285. to a child who was born...
- 286. a little different.
- 287. A child who spent his first Christmas...
- 288. and many since...
- 289. in a sewer.
- 290. Mr. Wayne? Is something wrong?
- 291. No.
- 292. His parents.
- 293. Again, this scene, direct from Gotham Plaza...
- 294. where we have just witnessed...
- 295. I hope he finds them.
- 296. Here he is, standing alongside
Gotham's leading citizen, Max Shreck.
- 297. How about a statement?
People want to know.
- 298. - Penguin's not to be disturbed.
- This is a public place.
- 299. - Take a walk. Move!
- You're violating the First Amendment.
- 300. - Breaching the freedom of the press!
- Wait a minute.
- 301. What about the freedom
to rediscover your roots...
- 302. with dignity and privacy?
- 303. What's the deal, Mr. Shreck?
Is the Penguin a personal friend?
- 304. Yes, he's a personal friend of this whole city,
so have a heart.
- 305. Give the Constitution a rest, okay?
- 306. "Red Triangle Circus put on
a swell show with fierce lions.
- 307. "Circus return for two-week...
- 308. "Kids will love..."
- 309. Thanks.
- 310. - It's cold!
- It's vichyssoise, sir.
- 311. It's supposed to be cold.
- 312. "Circus is back with a freak show.
May not be suitable for kids.
- 313. "Featuring a poodle lady...
- 314. "the world's fattest man...
- 315. "and aquatic bird-boy."
- 316. Why are you now determined to prove...
- 317. that this Penguin is not what he seems?
- 318. Must you be
the only lonely man-beast in town?
- 319. "The circus folded its tents yesterday...
- 320. "perhaps forever, after numerous reports
of missing children in several towns.
- 321. "Police have closed down
the Red Triangle's fairgrounds.
- 322. "However, at least
one freak-show performer vanished before...
- 323. "he could be questioned."
- 324. I suppose you feel better now, sir.
- 325. No.
- 326. Actually, I feel worse.
- 327. Why are you still out?
- 328. Are you concerned about
that strange, heroic Penguin person?
- 329. I think he knows who his parents are.
- 330. There's something else.
- 331. Penguin!
- 332. Can we get a statement from you?
- 333. So, Mr. Penguin...
- 334. A penguin is a bird that cannot fly.
- 335. I am a man.
- 336. I have a name.
- 337. Oswald Cobblepot!
- 338. Mr. Cobblepot, you'll never get a chance
to settle up with them?
- 339. True.
- 340. I was their number one son...
- 341. and they treated me like number two.
- 342. But it's human nature to fear...
- 343. the unusual.
- 344. Perhaps when I held...
- 345. my Tiffany baby rattle...
- 346. with a shiny flipper...
- 347. instead of five chubby digits...
- 348. they freaked.
- 349. But I forgive them.
- 350. "You don't need hands
as long as you've got heart."
- 351. "My heart is filled with love. I feel 5 feet tall."
- 352. - He's like a frog that became a prince.
- No, he's more like a penguin.
- 353. Now, pretty little thing.
- 354. Nice and easy.
- 355. I just love a big, strong man
who's not afraid to show it...
- 356. with someone half his size.
- 357. Be gentle, it's my first time.
- 358. Tic-tac-toe.
- 359. Thanks. I...
- 360. You make it so easy, don't you?
- 361. Always waiting for some Batman to save you.
- 362. I am Catwoman.
- 363. Hear me roar.
- 364. I'd offer you coffee,
but my assistant is using her vacation time.
- 365. Good time, too.
- 366. Everyone but the bandits will be slacking off
till after New Year, anyway.
- 367. - I'm not sure I like the inference, Bruce.
- Sorry, Max. Didn't realize I made one.
- 368. I'm pushing this power plant now
because it'll cost more later.
- 369. A million saved is a million earned.
- 370. I commissioned this report.
I thought you might want to take a look at it.
- 371. The point is, Max, Gotham City has
a power surplus. I'm sure you know that.
- 372. My question is...
- 373. what's your angle?
- 374. Power surplus? Bruce, shame on you.
- 375. No such thing.
One can never have too much power.
- 376. If my life has a meaning, that's the meaning.
- 377. Yeah, well, I'm gonna fight you on this.
I've already spoken to the mayor...
- 378. - and we see eye to eye.
- Mayors come and go.
- 379. Blue bloods tire easy.
- 380. You think you could go 15 rounds
with Muhammad Shreck?
- 381. Well, I guess we're gonna find out.
- 382. Of course, I don't have a crime boss
like Cobblepot in my corner, so...
- 383. Crime boss? Shows what you know...
- 384. Mr. To-the-manor-born-with-a-silver-spoon.
- 385. Oswald is Gotham's new golden boy.
- 386. If his parents hadn't 86'd him...
- 387. you two might have been bunkies
at prep school.
- 388. Oswald controls the Red Triangle Gang.
- 389. I can't prove it yet, but we both...
- 390. Wayne, I'll not stand
for mudslinging in this office.
- 391. If my assistant was here,
she already would have escorted you out...
- 392. Anywhere he wants.
- 393. Preferably some nightspot, grotto...
- 394. or secluded hideaway.
- 395. - Nice suit.
- 396. Selina.
- 397. Selina. Selina.
- 398. That's my name, Maximillions.
- 399. Don't wear it out,
or I'll make you buy me a new one.
- 400. Selina...
- 401. This is Bruce Wayne.
- 402. - Yeah, we've met.
- Have we?
- 403. Oh, I'm sorry. You know what?
I mistook me for somebody else. Sorry.
- 404. You mean, mistook me.
- 405. I mistook... Yeah. Isn't that what I said?
- 406. No, I don't think so.
- 407. What happened?
- 408. Did you injure yourself on that ski slope?
- 409. Is that why you cut short your vacation?
- 410. It's a blur.
- 411. I mean, not complete amnesia. I remember
Sister Mary Margaret puking in church...
- 412. and Betsy Riley saying
it was morning sickness.
- 413. And I remember the time
I forgot to wear my underpants to school...
- 414. and the name of the boy
who noticed was Ricky Friedburg.
- 415. He's dead now.
- 416. But last night, complete blur.
- 417. Couldn't you just die?
- 418. Selina, please...
- 419. show out Mr. Wayne.
- 420. With pleasure.
- 421. Um, your coat, Mr. Wayne.
- 422. Oh. Right.
- 423. You don't seem like the type
who does business with Mr. Shreck.
- 424. No, you don't seem like the type
that takes orders from him.
- 425. Well, that's a long story.
- 426. I could free up some time.
- 427. - I'm listed.
- I'm tempted.
- 428. I'm working.
- 429. I'm leaving.
- 430. - Dad, you buy that blurry business?
- 431. Nothing surprises me, Chip.
- 432. Except your late mother.
- 433. Who'd have thought
Selina had a brain to damage?
- 434. Bottom line?
- 435. She tries to blackmail me,
I'll drop her out a higher window.
- 436. Meantime, I've got badder fish to fry.
- 437. Oswald, it's Max.
- 438. You're home?
- 439. How've you been?
- 440. Your extended family?
- 441. Good to have a family.
- 442. I'd much rather not be disturbed now.
- 443. Come on downstairs, Oswald. I have a surprise.
- 444. I don't like surprises.
- 445. Come on down.
- 446. Don't peek.
- 447. You'll spoil it.
- 448. Ta-da!
- 449. Yes. Adulation is a cross to bear.
God knows I know.
- 450. But someone's got to supplant
our standing-in-the-way-of-progress mayor.
- 451. And don't deny it, Mr. Cobblepot,
you've got the magic.
- 452. Your charisma's bigger than both of us.
Come on down.
- 453. Mayor?
- 454. Mayor.
- 455. Max, elections happen in November.
Is this not late December?
- 456. Don't worry about it.
- 457. I want you to meet Jen and Josh,
my image consultants.
- 458. Here.
- 459. Reclaim your birthright.
- 460. I'm Jen. Hi.
- 461. Okay, let's see.
- 462. What I'd like to do first is to put
these little glove thingies on you.
- 463. Our research tells us that voters like fingers.
- 464. So if we wanna just lose this...
- 465. We'll do it another time then, okay?
- 466. Not a lot of reflective surfaces
down in the sewer, huh?
- 467. Still, could be worse.
My nose could be gushing blood.
- 468. Your nose could be...
What do you mean by that?
- 469. Oh, God!
- 470. Everybody, back to work!
- 471. Let's make a mayor!
- 472. You're right, we missed
the regularly scheduled election...
- 473. but elected officials can be recalled,
- 474. given the boot. Look at Nixon. Agnew.
- 475. Then think of you...
- 476. Oswald Cobblepot, filling the void.
- 477. I'd like to fill her void.
- 478. We're gonna need signatures
to overturn the ballot. I can supply those.
- 479. - Teach her my French flipper trick.
- Oswald, we need one more thing.
- 480. A platform?
- 481. Stop global warming. Start global cooling.
Make the world a giant icebox.
- 482. I like it. But to get the mayor recalled,
we have to have a catalyst, a trigger.
- 483. You're doing great, Mayor Cobblepot.
- 484. Your table is ready, Mayor Cobblepot.
- 485. I need you, Oswald. I need you now.
- 486. That's the biggest parasol I've ever seen.
- 487. Soon. One incident like the Gulf of Tonkin
or the Reichstag fire.
- 488. You want my old friends up there...
- 489. to drive the mayor into a foaming frenzy?
- 490. - Exactly.
- Sounds fun.
- 491. But...
- 492. I mustn't get sidetracked, Maxie.
- 493. I've got my own things to tend to.
- 494. Sidetracked? Oswald, this is your chance
to fulfill a destiny...
- 495. your parents carelessly discarded.
- 496. Reclaim my birthright, you mean?
- 497. Imagine, as mayor,
you'd have the ear of the media...
- 498. access to captains of industry...
- 499. unlimited poontang.
- 500. You drive a hard bargain, Maxie.
- 501. All right, I'll be mayor.
- 502. Burn, baby, burn!
- 503. - Who is she?
- What is she?
- 504. I don't know whether to open fire or fall in love.
- 505. You poor guys.
- 506. Always confusing your pistols
with your privates.
- 507. Don't hurt us, lady.
Our take-home's less than 300.
- 508. You're overpaid. Hit the road.
- 509. Yeah. Go ahead and hit me.
- 510. Admiring your handiwork?
- 511. Touring the riot scene.
- 512. Gravely assessing the devastation.
- 513. Upstanding mayor stuff.
- 514. You're not the mayor.
- 515. Things change.
- 516. What do you want?
- 517. Ah. The direct approach.
I admire that in a man with a mask.
- 518. You don't really think you'll win, do you?
- 519. Things change.
- 520. Meow.
- 521. I saw her first. Gotta fly.
- 522. How could you? I'm a woman.
- 523. I'm sorry. I...
- 524. As I was saying, I'm a woman
and can't be taken for granted.
- 525. Life's a bitch, now so am I.
- 526. Who are you?
Who's the man behind the bat?
- 527. Maybe you can help me find...
- 528. the woman behind the cat.
- 529. No, that's not you.
- 530. Ahh.
- 531. There you are.
- 532. Saved by Kitty Litter.
- 533. Bastard!
- 534. Alfred...
- 535. bring me some antiseptic ointment,
- 536. Coming. Are you in pain, sir?
- 537. No. Not really.
- 538. Meow.
- 539. Thank you.
- 540. I may have saved the mayor's baby...
- 541. but I refuse to save a mayor...
- 542. who stood by, helpless as a baby...
- 543. while Gotham was ravaged by a disease...
- 544. that turned Eagle Scouts into crazed clowns...
- 545. and happy homemakers into catwomen.
- 546. Thank you.
- 547. Oswald Cobblepot, the mystery man-beast
who's been romancing Gotham...
- 548. today made his bid to run Gotham.
- 549. Thank you.
- 550. Mr. Cobblepot, you are the coolest role model
a young person could have.
- 551. And you're the hottest young person
a role model could have.
- 552. Here.
- 553. Wear a button.
- 554. Let me just get it on there.
- 555. Thank you.
- 556. Thank you.
- 557. I could really get into this mayor stuff.
- 558. It's not about power,
it's about reaching out to people...
- 559. touching people, groping people.
- 560. - Penguin...
- My name's not Penguin!
- 561. It's Oswald Cobblepot.
- 562. Oswald, there's somebody here to see you.
- 563. Ooh.
- 564. Just the pussy I've been looking for.
- 565. It's chilly in here.
- 566. - I'll warm you.
- Down, Oswald.
- 567. We need to talk.
- 568. You see, you and I have something in common.
- 569. Sounds familiar.
- 570. Appetite for destruction?
- 571. Contempt for the czars of fashion?
- 572. Wait, don't tell me.
- 573. Naked sexual charisma?
- 574. Batman.
- 575. The thorn in both our sides.
- 576. The fly in our ointment.
- 577. Ointment?
- 578. I've got scented or unscented.
- 579. I'll come back later.
- 580. Perchance, are you a registered voter?
I am a mayoral prospect.
- 581. I have but one pet cause today.
- 582. Ban the bat.
- 583. Oh, him again. No bother.
He's already history. Check it out.
- 584. We're gonna disassemble his Batmobile
and turn it into an H-bomb on wheels.
- 585. No. No.
- 586. He'd have even more power as a martyr.
- 587. To destroy Batman, we must first turn him
into what he hates the most.
- 588. Namely, us.
- 589. You mean, frame him?
- 590. Not even in office yet
and already an enemies list, hm?
- 591. Those names are not for prying eyes.
- 592. Why should I trust some cat-broad, anyway?
- 593. Maybe you're just a screwed-up sorority chick
who's getting back at her daddy...
- 594. for not buying her that pony
when she turned sweet 16.
- 595. Nice birdie.
- 596. Mmm. Mmm.
- 597. Nice kitty.
- 598. - Mm-mmm.
- Nice kitty.
- 599. Nice kitty.
- 600. Look, Batman napalmed my arm.
- 601. He knocked me off a building just when
I was starting to feel good about myself.
- 602. I want to play an integral part
in his degradation.
- 603. A plan is forming.
- 604. I want in.
- 605. The thought of busting Batman
makes me feel all...
- 606. dirty.
- 607. Maybe I'll just give myself a bath right here.
- 608. I challenge the mayor...
- 609. to relight the Christmas tree
in Gotham Plaza tomorrow night.
- 610. Sir, shall we change the channel
to a program with some dignity and class?
- 611. The Love Connection perhaps?
- 612. Not that I have any faith in the mayor.
- 613. But I hope and pray that Batman...
- 614. will be present to preserve the peace.
Thank you very much.
- 615. Subtle.
- 616. Why are you doing this?
- 617. - Selina?
- 618. Hi. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.
- 619. Scare me? No.
I was just scaring myself, actually.
- 620. I don't see how, but...
- 621. It's nice to see you out in the real world,
away from Shreck.
- 622. Well, it's nice to be here.
- 623. - You all right?
- Hm? Mm-hm.
- 624. You look like maybe you have
the holiday blues or something.
- 625. No.
- 626. Boy, the news these days. Weird.
- 627. I heard on TV that...
- 628. Catwoman is thought to weigh 140 pounds.
- 629. I don't know how these hacks sleep at night.
- 630. It's not even accurate. "Batman blows it"?
- 631. He probably saved millions of dollars
in property damage alone.
- 632. You're not going to that, are you?
The relighting of the tree thing?
- 633. No. I wouldn't be caught dead there.
- 634. It's gonna be a hot time
on the cold town tonight.
- 635. You got kind of a dark side, don't you?
- 636. No darker than yours, Bruce.
- 637. Listen, why don't you come over
and we can watch it together on TV?
- 638. - What?
- The tree-lighting ceremony.
- 639. I can't. I have to be somewhere tonight.
- 640. How about if you come over
for an early dinner. Let's say 5?
- 641. Let's say 6?
- 642. Okay, 5.
- 643. Five. You and me. Okay?
- 644. The tree lights up, and then I push the button.
- 645. No, wait.
- 646. I press the button, and then the tree lights up.
- 647. - Who are you?
- Talent scout.
- 648. Come in.
- 649. You know, I don't just light trees.
I'm an actress, as well.
- 650. Ooh.
- 651. What is that thing?
A camera or something?
- 652. Say cheese.
- 653. Cheese.
- 654. Thanks, Alfred.
- 655. I'm sure he's wonderful company...
- 656. but doesn't the gold-plated bachelor bit
get a little stale?
- 657. A lot like the lonely secretary syndrome,
- 658. - Executive assistant.
- 659. Secretary.
- 660. Any girlfriend?
- 661. Sure.
- 662. You mean, as in serious?
- 663. Uh, no. Had one, didn't work.
- 664. What went wrong? Hang on, I think I know.
- 665. - You kept things from her.
- No, I told her everything.
- 666. And the truth frightened her?
- 667. There are two truths, you know?
- 668. She had trouble reconciling them,
because I had trouble...
- 669. reconciling them.
- 670. Yeah.
- 671. - See, Vicki thought...
- 672. Ice skater or stewardess?
- 673. No, she was a photojournalist.
- 674. Well, was Vicki right
about your difficulty with duality?
- 675. See...
- 676. If I say yes, then...
- 677. you're gonna think of me as...
- 678. a Norman Bates, Ted Bundy type and...
- 679. Well, you might not let me kiss you.
- 680. It's the so-called normal guys
who always let you down.
- 681. Sickos never scare me.
At least they're committed.
- 682. Well, yeah.
- 683. - You can't do that.
- Neither can I.
- 684. The Ice Princess has been
kidnapped. Commissioner Gordon...
- 685. can you confirm for us
the reports we're hearing...
- 686. of Batman's suspected involvement
in the abduction?
- 687. This evidence is purely circumstantial.
- 688. This was found, stained with blood,
in the missing girl's dressing room.
- 689. - I gotta get out of here.
- No, it's your house.
- 690. Hold on. Just sit for a second and relax.
I'll be right back.
- 691. - Alfred, I've got to get down to the plaza.
- I saw it.
- 692. I know. He's practically begging me to show.
- 693. Which is why I hoped you'd snub him.
- 694. No, I can't. There's been a kidnapping.
Here's what I want you to do.
- 695. Shit!
- 696. Tell Selina, you know, Miss Kyle in there,
tell her I had to go out of town.
- 697. Tell her there's a big business deal
that came up. No, you know what?
- 698. Let her know, not in some kind of dumb,
be-my-girlfriend kind of way...
- 699. - I will relay the message.
- 700. - Miss Kyle...
- 701. - Mr. Wayne told me to tell you that...
- Mr. Wayne?
- 702. Bruce, yes.
- 703. Um, would you tell him for me that...
- 704. I've been going through a lot of changes and...
- 705. No. Just that...
- 706. this is not a rejection, my abruptly leaving.
- 707. In fact, he makes me feel the way...
- 708. I hope I really am.
- 709. No.
- 710. Could you just make up a sonnet
or something, a dirty limerick?
- 711. - One has just sprung to mind.
- 712. - This way, ma'am.
- 713. Where is that?
- 714. Ladies and gentlemen.
- 715. Please, if I could have your attention
for just a minute.
- 716. Folks, I know that to many of you...
- 717. Gotham seems a bit beleaguered these days.
- 718. But I want you to know
that your elected officials...
- 719. and your police department have
the situation well in hand.
- 720. - Gotta hurry.
- Thank you.
- 721. - It was set up to look like I did this.
- No sweat. I'll just tell the police...
- 722. I was kidnapped by an ugly birdman
with fish breath.
- 723. Did somebody say "fish"?
- 724. I haven't been fed all day.
- 725. Eat floor.
- 726. High fiber.
- 727. Hey, stud...
- 728. - I thought we had something together.
- We do.
- 729. Gotta go. Girl talk.
- 730. She let me go. I think
because I reasoned with her, girl to girl.
- 731. Be careful. Don't move.
- 732. Lawn dart!
- 733. Rats with wings, do your thing.
- 734. Batman pushed the Princess!
- 735. Hold your fire!
- 736. Hold your fire!
- 737. You're catnip to a girl like me.
- 738. Handsome, dazed...
- 739. and to die for.
- 740. Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
- 741. But a kiss can be even deadlier
if you mean it.
- 742. You're the second man
who killed me this week.
- 743. But I've got seven lives left.
- 744. I tried to save you...
- 745. Seems like every woman
you try to save ends up dead.
- 746. Or deeply resentful.
- 747. Maybe you should retire.
- 748. Damn.
- 749. Outstanding.
- 750. You're Beauty and the Beast...
- 751. in one luscious Christmas gift pack.
- 752. You said you were going to scare
the Ice Princess.
- 753. She looked pretty scared to me.
- 754. Touch of the bubbly?
- 755. So, what are we waiting for?
- 756. Let's consummate our fiendish union.
- 757. What are you talking about?
- 758. Oh, come on. Can't you picture?
- 759. It's dark in the mayor's mansion.
- 760. I'm bushed,
so here you come into the bedroom...
- 761. twitching your little tail...
- 762. my slippers in one hand,
a dry martini in the other.
- 763. Oh, please.
- 764. I wouldn't touch you to scratch you.
- 765. You lousy minx! I ought to have you spayed!
- 766. You sent out all the signals!
- 767. And I don't think I like you anymore!
- 768. Goodbye, my unintended. Go to heaven.
- 769. Thank you.
- 770. There he is!
- 771. Don't adjust your sets.
- 772. Welcome to
the Oswald Cobblepot School of Driving.
- 773. Gentlemen, start your screaming.
- 774. Maybe this is a bad time to mention this,
but my license has expired!
- 775. Just relax.
- 776. I'll take care of the squealing,
wretched, pinhead puppets of Gotham!
- 777. You gotta admit, I played this stinking city...
- 778. like a harp from hell!
- 779. Helpless old lady at 12:00 high.
- 780. That's funny.
- 781. Now I'm a little worried.
- 782. So he survived. What's the worry?
- 783. He didn't even lose a limb,
an eyeball, bladder control.
- 784. The point is, listen to them.
They've lost faith in old symbols.
- 785. They're ready to bond with you,
the icon of the future.
- 786. If it works, don't fix it.
- 787. We'll celebrate tonight
at my annual Max-querade Ball.
- 788. Shreck and Cobblepot...
- 789. the visionary alliance. Come on.
- 790. When it came time...
- 791. to ensure the safety of our fair city...
- 792. did the mayor have a plan?
- 793. No!
- 794. No!
- 795. He relied on a man.
- 796. A Batman.
- 797. A ticking time-bomb of a costumed freak...
- 798. Our prime concern is this ghastly grotesque.
- 799. But let's not forget
about repairing the Batmobile.
- 800. There's security to consider.
- 801. It's not as though we can take it
to any old Joe's body shop, is it, sir?
- 802. Security?
- 803. Who let Vicki Vale into the Batcave?
- 804. I'm sitting there, working, and I turn around
and there she is. "Hi, Vick. Come on in."
- 805. - Ready?
- I think I'll take the stairs.
- 806. You ask me, am I up here for personal glory?
- 807. No.
- 808. I toiled for many years...
- 809. in utter obscurity...
- 810. beneath your boulevards.
- 811. The glory that I yearn to recapture...
- 812. is the glory of Gotham!
- 813. How can this be accomplished?
- 814. I know you're all concerned.
- 815. Hey, just relax.
- 816. I'll take care of the squealing,
wretched, pinhead puppets of Gotham!
- 817. I didn't say that.
- 818. You gotta admit, I played this stinking city...
- 819. like a harp from hell!
- 820. Boo!
- 821. Get out of here!
- 822. Why is there always someone
who brings eggs and tomatoes to a speech?
- 823. There he is!
- 824. My babies.
- 825. Did you miss me?
- 826. Did you miss me?
- 827. Great speech, Oswald.
- 828. My name is not Oswald! It's Penguin!
- 829. I am not a human being!
- 830. I am an animal! Cold-blooded!
- 831. Crank the a.c.!
- 832. Where are my lists? Bring me the names!
- 833. It's time.
- 834. These are the names
of the first-born sons of Gotham City.
- 835. Just like I was.
- 836. And like me, a terrible fate waits for them.
- 837. Tonight, while their parents party...
- 838. they'll be dreaming away...
- 839. in their safe cribs...
- 840. their soft beds...
- 841. and we will snatch them...
- 842. carry them into the sewer...
- 843. and toss them into a deep, dark, watery grave.
- 844. Um, Penguin?
- 845. I mean, killing sleeping children,
isn't that a little, uh...?
- 846. No, it's a lot "uh."
- 847. Mr. Wayne, a reminder.
- 848. Tonight is that loathsome party
hosted by the odious Mr. Shreck.
- 849. May we RSVP in the resoundingly negative?
- 850. Not interested.
- 851. Although...
- 852. Selina Kyle might be there.
- 853. Ingenious costume.
- 854. Let me guess.
- 855. Trust fund goodie-goodie.
- 856. Feeling good, huh?
- 857. Well, you almost made a monster
the mayor of Gotham City.
- 858. I am the light of this city...
- 859. and I am its mean, twisted soul.
- 860. Does it matter who's mayor?
- 861. - It does to me.
- 862. - Hi.
- 863. I'm sorry about yesterday, but I had...
- 864. a pretty big deal come through.
Fall through, actually.
- 865. It's okay. I had to go home and feed my cat.
- 866. So no hard feelings, then?
- 867. Actually...
- 868. semi-hard, I'd say.
- 869. There's a big, comfy California King
over in Bedding.
- 870. What do you say?
- 871. You mean, take off our costumes?
- 872. I guess I'm tired of wearing masks.
- 873. Me too.
- 874. Let me ask you something.
- 875. Why'd you come tonight?
- 876. - You first.
- To see you.
- 877. That's lovely.
- 878. I really wish I could say the same,
but I came for Max.
- 879. What do you mean? You and...
- 880. Not you and Max.
- 881. Me and Max.
- 882. No. This and Max.
- 883. Don't give me
a killing-Max-won't-solve-anything speech.
- 884. Because it will.
- 885. Aren't you tired
of this sanctimonious robber-baron...
- 886. always coming out on top
when he should be six feet under?
- 887. I'm sure you have a lot of problems
with your boss...
- 888. but who the hell do you think you are?
- 889. I don't know anymore, Bruce.
- 890. A kiss under the mistletoe.
- 891. You know,
mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
- 892. But a kiss can be even deadlier...
- 893. if you mean it.
- 894. Oh, my God.
- 895. Does this mean we have to start fighting?
- 896. Let's go outside.
- 897. - Are you okay?
- I'm all right.
- 898. You didn't invite me, so I crashed!
- 899. - What do you want?
- Right now, my troops...
- 900. are fanning out across town...
- 901. for your children! Yes!
- 902. For your first-born sons!
- 903. The ones you left defenseless at home...
- 904. so you could dress up like jerks...
- 905. get juiced and dance...
- 906. badly!
- 907. I've personally come...
- 908. for Gotham's favorite son:
- 909. Mr. Chip Shreck.
- 910. You're coming with me, you great white dope...
- 911. to die way down in the sewer.
- 912. Not Chip. If you have an iota
of human feeling, take me instead.
- 913. I don't. So, no.
- 914. I'm the one you want. Ask yourself.
- 915. Isn't it Max Shreck
who manipulated and betrayed you?
- 916. Isn't it Max, not Chip...
- 917. who you want to see immersed
to his eyeballs in raw sewage?
- 918. Okay, you got a point.
- 919. I'll let the little prince live for now.
- 920. In the duck!
- 921. This is gonna be good...
- 922. to cut down a whole crop
of Gotham's most promising...
- 923. before their prime.
- 924. You ask me, how do I lure them in?
- 925. A little Pied Penguin action.
- 926. And you get to watch them sink...
- 927. into a deep puddle...
- 928. of your industrial byproducts.
- 929. Then you join them.
- 930. Would you hurry up
and get those kids loaded already?
- 931. Right this way, kiddies. Come on.
- 932. Come with me.
- 933. So where are all the children?
- 934. "Batman."
- 935. My dear penguins...
- 936. we stand on a great threshold.
- 937. It's okay to be scared.
- 938. Many of you won't be coming back.
- 939. Thanks to Batman, the time has come...
- 940. to punish all of God's children.
- 941. First-, second-, third-, and fourth-born!
- 942. Why be biased?
- 943. Male and female!
- 944. Hell, the sexes are equal...
- 945. with their erogenous zones blown sky-high!
- 946. Forward march!
- 947. The liberation of Gotham...
- 948. has begun!
- 949. The penguins are moving above ground.
- 950. Penguin army approaching launch destination...
- 951. at Gotham Plaza.
- 952. One minute until ignition.
- 953. They wouldn't put me on a pedestal...
- 954. so I'm laying them on a slab!
- 955. The penguins seem
to be converging on Gotham Plaza.
- 956. Thirty seconds until ignition.
- 957. Estimated casualties after launch:
- 958. 100,000 people.
- 959. The penguins have reached Gotham Square.
- 960. Fifteen seconds to ignition.
- 961. Ready when you are, sir.
- 962. I've got the coordinates.
- 963. Ten, nine, eight, seven...
- 964. - All right. Let's turn them around.
- Yes, sir.
- 965. Something is wrong.
- 966. Something has jammed the signal.
- 967. They seem to be turning around.
- 968. Hey.
- 969. There is also something coming this way.
- 970. Very large. Very fast.
- 971. Who's there?
- 972. I'm homing in on the signal's origin.
- 973. You're just jealous
because I'm a genuine freak...
- 974. and you have to wear a mask!
- 975. You might be right.
- 976. But what it all comes down to is,
who's holding the umbrella?
- 977. My babies!
- 978. I don't know what you want, but I know
I can get it for you with a minimum of fuss.
- 979. Money, jewels...
- 980. a very big ball of string.
- 981. - Your blood, Max.
- My blood?
- 982. I gave at the office.
- 983. A half-pint. I'm talking gallons.
- 984. Let's make a deal.
- 985. Other than my blood, what can I do for you?
- 986. Sorry, Max. A die for a die.
- 987. You're not just saving a life, you're saving...
- 988. Shut up. You're going to jail.
- 989. Don't be naive. The law doesn't apply
to people like him or us.
- 990. Wrong on both counts.
- 991. Why are you doing this?
- 992. Let's just take him to the police.
- 993. Then we can go home...
- 994. together.
- 995. Selina...
- 996. don't you see?
- 997. We're the same.
- 998. We're the same.
- 999. Split, right down the center.
- 1000. Selina, please.
- 1001. Bruce...
- 1002. I would love to live with you in your castle...
- 1003. forever, just like in a fairy tale.
- 1004. I just couldn't live with myself.
So don't pretend this is a happy ending.
- 1005. Selina.
- 1006. Selina Kyle.
- 1007. You're fired.
- 1008. And Bruce Wayne...
- 1009. why are you dressed up like Batman?
- 1010. Because he is Batman, you moron.
- 1011. Was.
- 1012. Don't.
- 1013. You killed me, the Penguin killed me,
Batman killed me.
- 1014. That's three lives down.
You got enough in there to finish me off?
- 1015. One way to find out.
- 1016. Four, five.
- 1017. Still alive!
- 1018. Six, seven.
- 1019. All good girls go to heaven.
- 1020. Two lives left.
- 1021. I think I'll save one for next Christmas.
- 1022. But in the meantime...
- 1023. how about a kiss, Santie Claus?
- 1024. Shit! I picked a cute one.
- 1025. The heat's getting to me.
- 1026. I'll murder you momentarily.
- 1027. But first...
- 1028. I need a cool drink...
- 1029. of ice water.
- 1030. Alfred, stop the car.
- 1031. Well, come what may,
merry Christmas, Mr. Wayne.
- 1032. Merry Christmas, Alfred.
- 1033. "Goodwill toward men."
- 1034. And women.