1. - Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
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2. Merry Christmas.
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3. Penguin sighting!
Check it out! Man or myth?
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4. What is he? Today's edition.
Another Penguin sighting.
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5. Another Penguin sighting! Check it out!
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6. Grotesque penguin-man living in Gotham
sewers. Read all about the latest sighting.
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7. Could I have your attention, Gotham City?
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8. It is time for tonight's lighting of the tree.
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9. How about that?
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10. Part man, part penguin. All horrifying!
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11. Find out for only 50 cents. Come on!
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12. Read about the possible terror
beneath our feet. Check it out, people!
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13. Read about it! Today's issue.
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14. Read about the latest sighting
of the penguin creature.
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15. Missing link between man and bird.
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16. My dear boy...
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17. sometimes it's a diversion
to read such rubbish.
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18. Most of the time, it's a waste of time.
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19. Whatever. Today's issue, the Penguin.
Check him out. Man or myth?
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20. The Globe. Right here. Twenty-five cents.
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21. Well, here's hoping.
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22. Maybe with a little luck, Gotham will have
its first merry Christmas in a good long while.
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23. I feel almost vulgar in this yuletide context
mentioning the new power plant.
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24. But if we're gonna break ground,
when we gotta break ground...
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25. I'll need permits, variances, tax incentives.
That sort of pesky nonsense.
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26. Power plant?
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27. Max, all our studies show us
we've got enough power...
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28. to get us into the middle of the next century.
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29. Your analysts are talking growth
at 1 percent per annum.
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30. That's not growth. That's a mild swelling.
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31. Imagine a Gotham City...
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32. of the future, lit up like a blanket of stars...
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33. but blinking on and off...
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34. embarrassingly low on juice.
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35. Frankly...
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36. I cringe, Mr. Mayor.
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37. Sorry, any plans you've got will have
to go to the usual committees...
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38. through the usual channels.
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39. I have a suggestion.
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40. Well...
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41. actually, really, just more like a question.
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42. I'm afraid
we haven't properly housebroken Miss Kyle.
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43. In the plus column, though...
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44. she makes a hell of a cup of coffee.
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45. Dad.
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46. Mr. Mayor. It's time to go down
and bring joy to the masses.
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47. "Actually, more of a question."
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48. You stupid corn dog.
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49. Oh, God. Corn dog.
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50. All right. Give us some room.
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51. Wait, let him through, please.
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52. I have enough signatures from Shreck
employees alone to warrant a recall.
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53. That's not a threat, just simple numbers.
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54. Maybe. But you don't have an issue, Max.
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55. And you sure as hell don't have a candidate.
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56. Hello, Mr. Shreck!
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57. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
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58. From those of us at City Hall
to each and every one of you...
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59. happy holidays.
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60. We have with us tonight
a man who really needs no introduction.
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61. He's given so much to our city.
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62. Will you welcome, please,
Gotham's own Santa Claus: Max Shreck.
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63. Pick up those contracts from Personnel and...
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64. pick up the dry cleaning, paper towels...
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65. Oh, darn.
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66. Forgot my speech.
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67. Remind me to take it out on what's-her-name.
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68. Santa Claus? Afraid not.
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69. I'm just a poor schmo who got lucky.
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70. And sue me if I want to give some back.
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71. I only wish I could hand out more
than just expensive baubles.
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72. I wish I could hand out world peace...
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73. and unconditional love...
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74. wrapped in a big bow.
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75. Oh, but you can. Oh, but you will.
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76. Merry Christmas.
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77. - Great idea.
- Not mine.
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78. Let's go!
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79. What're you waiting for? The signal!
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80. We want the big guy!
The guy who runs the show!
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81. - What do you want?
- Not you!
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82. - Shreck!
- You'll have to go through me.
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83. Ooh.
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84. - Chip.
- Dad, go! Save yourself!
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85. Dad, go!
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86. Shut up!
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87. You take one step closer, Mr. Man-bat, and...
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88. Ha-ha-ha. You missed.
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89. Wow.
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90. The Batman.
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91. Or is it just Batman?
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92. Uh, your choice, of course.
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93. Well, that was very brief.
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94. Just like all the men in my life.
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95. I know, what men?
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96. Well...
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97. Then again, there's you. But you need therapy.
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98. Thanks for saving the day, Batman.
I'm afraid the Circus Gang is back.
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99. We'll see.
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100. They almost made off with our mover
and shaker, Max Shreck, but...
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101. Where is that insufferable son of a bitch?
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102. Hi.
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103. I believe the word you're looking for is...
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104. Actually, this is all just a bad dream.
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105. You're at home in bed...
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106. heavily sedated, resting comfortably...
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107. dying from the carcinogens
you've personally spewed...
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108. in a lifetime of profiteering.
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109. Tragic irony or poetic justice?
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110. You tell me.
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111. My God, it's true.
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112. Penguin Man of the sewer.
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113. Odd as it may seem, Max...
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114. you and I have something in common.
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115. We're both perceived as monsters.
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116. But somehow...
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117. you're a well-respected monster...
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118. and I am, to date, not!
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119. Frankly, I feel that's a bum rap.
I'm a businessman.
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120. Tough, yes.
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121. Shrewd, okay.
But that does not make me a monster.
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122. Don't embarrass yourself, Max!
I know all about you.
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123. What you hide, I discover.
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124. What you put in your toilet...
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125. I place on my mantle. Get the picture?
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126. What, is that supposed to hypnotize me?
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127. No, just give you a splitting headache.
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128. It's not working.
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129. You big baby! Just blanks.
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130. Would I go through all this trouble tonight
just to kill you?
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131. No, Max.
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132. I have an entirely other purpose.
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133. I'm ready, Max.
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134. I've been down here too long.
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135. It's time for me to ascend...
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136. to re-emerge...
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137. with your help...
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138. your know-how...
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139. your savvy.
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140. I wasn't born in the sewer, you know.
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141. I come from...
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142. Like you.
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143. And, like you, I want some respect!
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144. A recognition of my basic humanity.
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145. But most of all...
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146. I want to find out who I am
by finding my parents...
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147. learning my human name.
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148. Simple stuff that the good people
of Gotham take for granted!
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149. And...
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150. exactly why am I gonna help you?
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151. Well...
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152. Let's start.
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153. Ooh. What have we here? Let's see.
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154. A batch of toxic waste...
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155. from your clean textile plant.
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156. There's a whole lagoon of this crud in the back.
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157. That could have come from anywhere.
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158. What about the documents that prove
you own half the firetraps in Gotham City?
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159. If there were such documents...
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160. that's not an admission.
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161. I would have seen to it they were shredded.
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162. Good idea.
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163. A lot of tape and a little patience
make all the difference.
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164. By the way...
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165. how's Fred Atkins, your old partner?
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166. Fred?
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167. Fred's actually...
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168. I believe he's on extended vacation. He's good.
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169. Good.
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170. Hiya, Max. Remember me? I'm Fred's hand!
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171. You want to greet any other body parts?
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172. Remember, Max...
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173. you flush it, I flaunt it.
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174. You know what, Mr. Penguin, sir?
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175. I think perhaps...
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176. I could help orchestrate
a little welcome-home scenario for you.
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177. Once we're both back home,
perhaps we can help each other out.
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178. You won't regret this, Mr. Shreck.
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179. Honey, I'm home!
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180. I forgot. I'm not married.
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181. Miss Kitty.
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182. Back from more sexual escapades
you refuse to share?
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183. Not that I'd ever pry.
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184. Drink your dinner.
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185. What?
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186. How can anyone be so pathetic?
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187. Yes, to you I seem pathetic.
But I'm a working girl.
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188. Gotta pay the rent. Maybe if you were
chipping in instead of stepping out.
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189. Selina, dear,
it's your mother. Just calling to say hello.
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190. Yeah, right, but...
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191. But I'm disappointed
you're not coming home for Christmas.
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192. I want to discuss just why you insist
on languishing in Gotham City...
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193. as some lowly secretary.
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194. Lowly assistant.
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195. Selina,
about that Christmas getaway we planned...
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196. I'll be going alone. Dr. Shaw says I need
to be my own person, not an appendage.
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197. Some appendage!
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198. The party never stops
on Selina Kyle's answering machine.
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199. Guess I should've let him win
that last racquetball game.
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200. Hello, Selina Kyle.
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201. We're calling to tell you
about exciting new Gotham Lady perfume.
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202. It makes women feel like women
and the men have no complaints, either.
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203. Hey, Selina.
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204. This is yourself calling to remind you, honey...
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205. that you have to come
all the way back to the office...
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206. You stupid corn dog!
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207. unless you remembered
to bring home the Bruce Wayne file.
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208. Because the meeting's on Wednesday.
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209. Working late?
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210. Um...
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211. I'm just boning up
for your Bruce Wayne meeting in the morning.
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212. I pulled all of the files
on the proposed power plant...
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213. and Mr. Wayne's hope-for investment.
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214. And I even opened the protected files and...
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215. How industrious.
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216. How did you open protected files...
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217. may I ask?
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218. Um, well...
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219. I figured your password was "Heraldo,"
your chihuahua, and it was.
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220. Um, this is all very interesting,
though a bit on the technical side.
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221. I mean, about how the power plant is
a power plant in name only...
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222. since, in fact, it's gonna be a big, giant...
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223. capacitor.
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224. And that, instead of generating power,
it'll sort of be sucking power from...
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225. um, Gotham City and storing it...
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226. stockpiling it.
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227. Which is a very novel approach, I'd say.
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228. And who would you say this to?
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229. Um...
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230. Nobody.
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231. What did curiosity do to the cat?
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232. I'm no cat.
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233. I'm just an assistant.
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234. A secretary.
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235. And a very good one.
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236. Too good?
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237. Listen, it's our secret. Honest.
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238. How can you be so mean
to someone so meaningless?
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239. This power plant...
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240. is my legacy. It's what I leave behind...
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241. for Chip.
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242. Nothing must prevent that.
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243. Okay.
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244. Go ahead. Intimidate me,
bully me, if it makes you feel big.
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245. I mean, it's not like you can just kill me!
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246. Actually, it's a lot like that.
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247. Huh?
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248. Huh?
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249. You know, for a second there,
you really frightened me.
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250. Really?
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251. Honey, I'm home.
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252. I forgot. I'm not married.
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253. Selina, this is your mother. Call me.
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254. Selina, this is your mother.
Why haven't you called me back?
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255. Hello, Selina Kyle.
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256. We're just calling to make sure
you've tried Gotham Lady perfume.
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257. One whiff of this at the office
and your boss will ask you to stay after work...
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258. for a candlelight staff meeting for two.
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259. Gotham Lady perfume.
Exclusively at Shreck's department store.
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260. I don't know about you, Miss Kitty, but I feel...
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261. so much yummier.
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262. Well, ladies and gentlemen...
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263. I stand before you once again...
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264. to denounce the urban chaos
we seem to have to live with in our great city.
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265. It's got to stop.
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266. And it's going to stop.
Our community is coming apart...
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267. in a season when it should be coming together.
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268. I don't care what the cynics may say.
This is the Christmas season.
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269. It should be a time of healing.
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270. And I tell you that, not only as an official...
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271. but as a husband and a father.
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272. Last night's violence will not happen again.
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273. I'm not really one for speeches,
so I'll just say, "Thanks."
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274. No! It's the hideous Penguin Man.
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275. Here, take the baby. Just don't hurt me, please.
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276. This was the remarkable scene
only minutes ago in Gotham Plaza.
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277. The mysterious Penguin saving the life
of the mayor's baby and...
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278. - announcing his presence to the world.
- All I want in return...
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279. is a chance to find my mom and dad.
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280. A chance to find out who they are...
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281. and thusly, who I am.
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282. And then, with my parents...
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283. try to understand why.
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284. Why they did what I guess
they felt they had to do...
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285. to a child who was born...
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286. a little different.
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287. A child who spent his first Christmas...
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288. and many since...
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289. in a sewer.
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290. Mr. Wayne? Is something wrong?
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291. No.
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292. His parents.
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293. Again, this scene, direct from Gotham Plaza...
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294. where we have just witnessed...
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295. I hope he finds them.
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296. Here he is, standing alongside
Gotham's leading citizen, Max Shreck.
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297. How about a statement?
People want to know.
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298. - Penguin's not to be disturbed.
- This is a public place.
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299. - Take a walk. Move!
- You're violating the First Amendment.
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300. - Breaching the freedom of the press!
- Wait a minute.
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301. What about the freedom
to rediscover your roots...
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302. with dignity and privacy?
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303. What's the deal, Mr. Shreck?
Is the Penguin a personal friend?
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304. Yes, he's a personal friend of this whole city,
so have a heart.
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305. Give the Constitution a rest, okay?
It's Christmas.
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306. "Red Triangle Circus put on
a swell show with fierce lions.
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307. "Circus return for two-week...
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308. "Kids will love..."
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309. Thanks.
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310. - It's cold!
- It's vichyssoise, sir.
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311. It's supposed to be cold.
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312. "Circus is back with a freak show.
May not be suitable for kids.
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313. "Featuring a poodle lady...
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314. "the world's fattest man...
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315. "and aquatic bird-boy."
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316. Why are you now determined to prove...
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317. that this Penguin is not what he seems?
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318. Must you be
the only lonely man-beast in town?
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319. "The circus folded its tents yesterday...
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320. "perhaps forever, after numerous reports
of missing children in several towns.
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321. "Police have closed down
the Red Triangle's fairgrounds.
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322. "However, at least
one freak-show performer vanished before...
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323. "he could be questioned."
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324. I suppose you feel better now, sir.
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325. No.
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326. Actually, I feel worse.
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327. Why are you still out?
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328. Are you concerned about
that strange, heroic Penguin person?
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329. I think he knows who his parents are.
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330. There's something else.
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331. Penguin!
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332. Can we get a statement from you?
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333. So, Mr. Penguin...
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334. A penguin is a bird that cannot fly.
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335. I am a man.
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336. I have a name.
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337. Oswald Cobblepot!
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338. Mr. Cobblepot, you'll never get a chance
to settle up with them?
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339. True.
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340. I was their number one son...
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341. and they treated me like number two.
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342. But it's human nature to fear...
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343. the unusual.
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344. Perhaps when I held...
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345. my Tiffany baby rattle...
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346. with a shiny flipper...
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347. instead of five chubby digits...
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348. they freaked.
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349. But I forgive them.
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350. "You don't need hands
as long as you've got heart."
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351. "My heart is filled with love. I feel 5 feet tall."
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352. - He's like a frog that became a prince.
- No, he's more like a penguin.
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353. Now, pretty little thing.
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354. Nice and easy.
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355. I just love a big, strong man
who's not afraid to show it...
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356. with someone half his size.
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357. Be gentle, it's my first time.
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358. Tic-tac-toe.
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359. Thanks. I...
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360. You make it so easy, don't you?
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361. Always waiting for some Batman to save you.
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362. I am Catwoman.
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363. Hear me roar.
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364. I'd offer you coffee,
but my assistant is using her vacation time.
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365. Good time, too.
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366. Everyone but the bandits will be slacking off
till after New Year, anyway.
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367. - I'm not sure I like the inference, Bruce.
- Sorry, Max. Didn't realize I made one.
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368. I'm pushing this power plant now
because it'll cost more later.
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369. A million saved is a million earned.
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370. I commissioned this report.
I thought you might want to take a look at it.
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371. The point is, Max, Gotham City has
a power surplus. I'm sure you know that.
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372. My question is...
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373. what's your angle?
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374. Power surplus? Bruce, shame on you.
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375. No such thing.
One can never have too much power.
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376. If my life has a meaning, that's the meaning.
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377. Yeah, well, I'm gonna fight you on this.
I've already spoken to the mayor...
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378. - and we see eye to eye.
- Mayors come and go.
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379. Blue bloods tire easy.
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380. You think you could go 15 rounds
with Muhammad Shreck?
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381. Well, I guess we're gonna find out.
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382. Of course, I don't have a crime boss
like Cobblepot in my corner, so...
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383. Crime boss? Shows what you know...
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384. Mr. To-the-manor-born-with-a-silver-spoon.
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385. Oswald is Gotham's new golden boy.
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386. If his parents hadn't 86'd him...
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387. you two might have been bunkies
at prep school.
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388. Oswald controls the Red Triangle Gang.
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389. I can't prove it yet, but we both...
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390. Wayne, I'll not stand
for mudslinging in this office.
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391. If my assistant was here,
she already would have escorted you out...
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392. Anywhere he wants.
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393. Preferably some nightspot, grotto...
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394. or secluded hideaway.
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395. - Nice suit.
- Thanks.
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396. Selina.
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397. Selina. Selina.
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398. That's my name, Maximillions.
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399. Don't wear it out,
or I'll make you buy me a new one.
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400. Selina...
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401. This is Bruce Wayne.
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402. - Yeah, we've met.
- Have we?
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403. Oh, I'm sorry. You know what?
I mistook me for somebody else. Sorry.
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404. You mean, mistook me.
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405. I mistook... Yeah. Isn't that what I said?
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406. No, I don't think so.
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407. What happened?
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408. Did you injure yourself on that ski slope?
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409. Is that why you cut short your vacation?
Came back?
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410. It's a blur.
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411. I mean, not complete amnesia. I remember
Sister Mary Margaret puking in church...
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412. and Betsy Riley saying
it was morning sickness.
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413. And I remember the time
I forgot to wear my underpants to school...
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414. and the name of the boy
who noticed was Ricky Friedburg.
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415. He's dead now.
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416. But last night, complete blur.
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417. Couldn't you just die?
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418. Selina, please...
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419. show out Mr. Wayne.
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420. With pleasure.
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421. Um, your coat, Mr. Wayne.
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422. Oh. Right.
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423. You don't seem like the type
who does business with Mr. Shreck.
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424. No, you don't seem like the type
that takes orders from him.
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425. Well, that's a long story.
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426. I could free up some time.
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427. - I'm listed.
- I'm tempted.
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428. I'm working.
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429. I'm leaving.
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430. - Dad, you buy that blurry business?
- Women.
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431. Nothing surprises me, Chip.
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432. Except your late mother.
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433. Who'd have thought
Selina had a brain to damage?
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434. Bottom line?
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435. She tries to blackmail me,
I'll drop her out a higher window.
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436. Meantime, I've got badder fish to fry.
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437. Oswald, it's Max.
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438. You're home?
Copy !req
439. How've you been?
Copy !req
440. Your extended family?
Copy !req
441. Good to have a family.
Copy !req
442. I'd much rather not be disturbed now.
Copy !req
443. Come on downstairs, Oswald. I have a surprise.
Copy !req
444. I don't like surprises.
Copy !req
445. Come on down.
Copy !req
446. Don't peek.
Copy !req
447. You'll spoil it.
Copy !req
448. Ta-da!
Copy !req
449. Yes. Adulation is a cross to bear.
God knows I know.
Copy !req
450. But someone's got to supplant
our standing-in-the-way-of-progress mayor.
Copy !req
451. And don't deny it, Mr. Cobblepot,
you've got the magic.
Copy !req
452. Your charisma's bigger than both of us.
Come on down.
Copy !req
453. Mayor?
Copy !req
454. Mayor.
Copy !req
455. Max, elections happen in November.
Is this not late December?
Copy !req
456. Don't worry about it.
Copy !req
457. I want you to meet Jen and Josh,
my image consultants.
Copy !req
458. Here.
Copy !req
459. Reclaim your birthright.
Copy !req
460. I'm Jen. Hi.
Copy !req
461. Okay, let's see.
Copy !req
462. What I'd like to do first is to put
these little glove thingies on you.
Copy !req
463. Our research tells us that voters like fingers.
Copy !req
464. So if we wanna just lose this...
Copy !req
465. We'll do it another time then, okay?
Copy !req
466. Not a lot of reflective surfaces
down in the sewer, huh?
Copy !req
467. Still, could be worse.
My nose could be gushing blood.
Copy !req
468. Your nose could be...
What do you mean by that?
Copy !req
469. Oh, God!
Copy !req
470. Everybody, back to work!
Copy !req
471. Let's make a mayor!
Copy !req
472. You're right, we missed
the regularly scheduled election...
Copy !req
473. but elected officials can be recalled,
impeached...
Copy !req
474. given the boot. Look at Nixon. Agnew.
Copy !req
475. Then think of you...
Copy !req
476. Oswald Cobblepot, filling the void.
Copy !req
477. I'd like to fill her void.
Copy !req
478. We're gonna need signatures
to overturn the ballot. I can supply those.
Copy !req
479. - Teach her my French flipper trick.
- Oswald, we need one more thing.
Copy !req
480. A platform?
Copy !req
481. Stop global warming. Start global cooling.
Make the world a giant icebox.
Copy !req
482. I like it. But to get the mayor recalled,
we have to have a catalyst, a trigger.
Copy !req
483. You're doing great, Mayor Cobblepot.
Copy !req
484. Your table is ready, Mayor Cobblepot.
Copy !req
485. I need you, Oswald. I need you now.
Copy !req
486. That's the biggest parasol I've ever seen.
Copy !req
487. Soon. One incident like the Gulf of Tonkin
or the Reichstag fire.
Copy !req
488. You want my old friends up there...
Copy !req
489. to drive the mayor into a foaming frenzy?
Copy !req
490. - Exactly.
- Sounds fun.
Copy !req
491. But...
Copy !req
492. I mustn't get sidetracked, Maxie.
Copy !req
493. I've got my own things to tend to.
Copy !req
494. Sidetracked? Oswald, this is your chance
to fulfill a destiny...
Copy !req
495. your parents carelessly discarded.
Copy !req
496. Reclaim my birthright, you mean?
Copy !req
497. Imagine, as mayor,
you'd have the ear of the media...
Copy !req
498. access to captains of industry...
Copy !req
499. unlimited poontang.
Copy !req
500. You drive a hard bargain, Maxie.
Copy !req
501. All right, I'll be mayor.
Copy !req
502. Burn, baby, burn!
Copy !req
503. - Who is she?
- What is she?
Copy !req
504. I don't know whether to open fire or fall in love.
Copy !req
505. You poor guys.
Copy !req
506. Always confusing your pistols
with your privates.
Copy !req
507. Don't hurt us, lady.
Our take-home's less than 300.
Copy !req
508. You're overpaid. Hit the road.
Copy !req
509. Yeah. Go ahead and hit me.
Copy !req
510. Admiring your handiwork?
Copy !req
511. Touring the riot scene.
Copy !req
512. Gravely assessing the devastation.
Copy !req
513. Upstanding mayor stuff.
Copy !req
514. You're not the mayor.
Copy !req
515. Things change.
Copy !req
516. What do you want?
Copy !req
517. Ah. The direct approach.
I admire that in a man with a mask.
Copy !req
518. You don't really think you'll win, do you?
Copy !req
519. Things change.
Copy !req
520. Meow.
Copy !req
521. I saw her first. Gotta fly.
Copy !req
522. How could you? I'm a woman.
Copy !req
523. I'm sorry. I...
Copy !req
524. As I was saying, I'm a woman
and can't be taken for granted.
Copy !req
525. Life's a bitch, now so am I.
Copy !req
526. Who are you?
Who's the man behind the bat?
Copy !req
527. Maybe you can help me find...
Copy !req
528. the woman behind the cat.
Copy !req
529. No, that's not you.
Copy !req
530. Ahh.
Copy !req
531. There you are.
Copy !req
532. Saved by Kitty Litter.
Copy !req
533. Bastard!
Copy !req
534. Alfred...
Copy !req
535. bring me some antiseptic ointment,
would you?
Copy !req
536. Coming. Are you in pain, sir?
Copy !req
537. No. Not really.
Copy !req
538. Meow.
Copy !req
539. Thank you.
Copy !req
540. I may have saved the mayor's baby...
Copy !req
541. but I refuse to save a mayor...
Copy !req
542. who stood by, helpless as a baby...
Copy !req
543. while Gotham was ravaged by a disease...
Copy !req
544. that turned Eagle Scouts into crazed clowns...
Copy !req
545. and happy homemakers into catwomen.
Copy !req
546. Thank you.
Copy !req
547. Oswald Cobblepot, the mystery man-beast
who's been romancing Gotham...
Copy !req
548. today made his bid to run Gotham.
Copy !req
549. Thank you.
Copy !req
550. Mr. Cobblepot, you are the coolest role model
a young person could have.
Copy !req
551. And you're the hottest young person
a role model could have.
Copy !req
552. Here.
Copy !req
553. Wear a button.
Copy !req
554. Let me just get it on there.
Copy !req
555. Thank you.
Copy !req
556. Thank you.
Copy !req
557. I could really get into this mayor stuff.
Copy !req
558. It's not about power,
it's about reaching out to people...
Copy !req
559. touching people, groping people.
Copy !req
560. - Penguin...
- My name's not Penguin!
Copy !req
561. It's Oswald Cobblepot.
Copy !req
562. Oswald, there's somebody here to see you.
Copy !req
563. Ooh.
Copy !req
564. Just the pussy I've been looking for.
Copy !req
565. It's chilly in here.
Copy !req
566. - I'll warm you.
- Down, Oswald.
Copy !req
567. We need to talk.
Copy !req
568. You see, you and I have something in common.
Copy !req
569. Sounds familiar.
Copy !req
570. Appetite for destruction?
Copy !req
571. Contempt for the czars of fashion?
Copy !req
572. Wait, don't tell me.
Copy !req
573. Naked sexual charisma?
Copy !req
574. Batman.
Copy !req
575. The thorn in both our sides.
Copy !req
576. The fly in our ointment.
Copy !req
577. Ointment?
Copy !req
578. I've got scented or unscented.
Copy !req
579. I'll come back later.
Copy !req
580. Perchance, are you a registered voter?
I am a mayoral prospect.
Copy !req
581. I have but one pet cause today.
Copy !req
582. Ban the bat.
Copy !req
583. Oh, him again. No bother.
He's already history. Check it out.
Copy !req
584. We're gonna disassemble his Batmobile
and turn it into an H-bomb on wheels.
Copy !req
585. No. No.
Copy !req
586. He'd have even more power as a martyr.
Copy !req
587. To destroy Batman, we must first turn him
into what he hates the most.
Copy !req
588. Namely, us.
Copy !req
589. You mean, frame him?
Copy !req
590. Not even in office yet
and already an enemies list, hm?
Copy !req
591. Those names are not for prying eyes.
Copy !req
592. Why should I trust some cat-broad, anyway?
Copy !req
593. Maybe you're just a screwed-up sorority chick
who's getting back at her daddy...
Copy !req
594. for not buying her that pony
when she turned sweet 16.
Copy !req
595. Nice birdie.
Copy !req
596. Mmm. Mmm.
Copy !req
597. Nice kitty.
Copy !req
598. - Mm-mmm.
- Nice kitty.
Copy !req
599. Nice kitty.
Copy !req
600. Look, Batman napalmed my arm.
Copy !req
601. He knocked me off a building just when
I was starting to feel good about myself.
Copy !req
602. I want to play an integral part
in his degradation.
Copy !req
603. A plan is forming.
Copy !req
604. I want in.
Copy !req
605. The thought of busting Batman
makes me feel all...
Copy !req
606. dirty.
Copy !req
607. Maybe I'll just give myself a bath right here.
Copy !req
608. I challenge the mayor...
Copy !req
609. to relight the Christmas tree
in Gotham Plaza tomorrow night.
Copy !req
610. Sir, shall we change the channel
to a program with some dignity and class?
Copy !req
611. The Love Connection perhaps?
Copy !req
612. Not that I have any faith in the mayor.
Copy !req
613. But I hope and pray that Batman...
Copy !req
614. will be present to preserve the peace.
Thank you very much.
Copy !req
615. Subtle.
Copy !req
616. Why are you doing this?
Copy !req
617. - Selina?
- Huh?
Copy !req
618. Hi. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.
Copy !req
619. Scare me? No.
I was just scaring myself, actually.
Copy !req
620. I don't see how, but...
Copy !req
621. It's nice to see you out in the real world,
away from Shreck.
Copy !req
622. Well, it's nice to be here.
Copy !req
623. - You all right?
- Hm? Mm-hm.
Copy !req
624. You look like maybe you have
the holiday blues or something.
Copy !req
625. No.
Copy !req
626. Boy, the news these days. Weird.
Copy !req
627. I heard on TV that...
Copy !req
628. Catwoman is thought to weigh 140 pounds.
Copy !req
629. I don't know how these hacks sleep at night.
Copy !req
630. It's not even accurate. "Batman blows it"?
Copy !req
631. He probably saved millions of dollars
in property damage alone.
Copy !req
632. You're not going to that, are you?
The relighting of the tree thing?
Copy !req
633. No. I wouldn't be caught dead there.
Copy !req
634. It's gonna be a hot time
on the cold town tonight.
Copy !req
635. You got kind of a dark side, don't you?
Copy !req
636. No darker than yours, Bruce.
Copy !req
637. Listen, why don't you come over
and we can watch it together on TV?
Copy !req
638. - What?
- The tree-lighting ceremony.
Copy !req
639. I can't. I have to be somewhere tonight.
Copy !req
640. How about if you come over
for an early dinner. Let's say 5?
Copy !req
641. Let's say 6?
Copy !req
642. Okay, 5.
Copy !req
643. Five. You and me. Okay?
Copy !req
644. The tree lights up, and then I push the button.
Copy !req
645. No, wait.
Copy !req
646. I press the button, and then the tree lights up.
Copy !req
647. - Who are you?
- Talent scout.
Copy !req
648. Come in.
Copy !req
649. You know, I don't just light trees.
I'm an actress, as well.
Copy !req
650. Ooh.
Copy !req
651. What is that thing?
A camera or something?
Copy !req
652. Say cheese.
Copy !req
653. Cheese.
Copy !req
654. Thanks, Alfred.
Copy !req
655. I'm sure he's wonderful company...
Copy !req
656. but doesn't the gold-plated bachelor bit
get a little stale?
Copy !req
657. A lot like the lonely secretary syndrome,
I guess.
Copy !req
658. - Executive assistant.
- Sorry.
Copy !req
659. Secretary.
Copy !req
660. Any girlfriend?
Copy !req
661. Sure.
Copy !req
662. You mean, as in serious?
Copy !req
663. Uh, no. Had one, didn't work.
Copy !req
664. What went wrong? Hang on, I think I know.
Copy !req
665. - You kept things from her.
- No, I told her everything.
Copy !req
666. And the truth frightened her?
Copy !req
667. There are two truths, you know?
Copy !req
668. She had trouble reconciling them,
because I had trouble...
Copy !req
669. reconciling them.
Copy !req
670. Yeah.
Copy !req
671. - See, Vicki thought...
- Vicki?
Copy !req
672. Ice skater or stewardess?
Copy !req
673. No, she was a photojournalist.
Copy !req
674. Well, was Vicki right
about your difficulty with duality?
Copy !req
675. See...
Copy !req
676. If I say yes, then...
Copy !req
677. you're gonna think of me as...
Copy !req
678. a Norman Bates, Ted Bundy type and...
Copy !req
679. Well, you might not let me kiss you.
Copy !req
680. It's the so-called normal guys
who always let you down.
Copy !req
681. Sickos never scare me.
At least they're committed.
Copy !req
682. Well, yeah.
Copy !req
683. - You can't do that.
- Neither can I.
Copy !req
684. The Ice Princess has been
kidnapped. Commissioner Gordon...
Copy !req
685. can you confirm for us
the reports we're hearing...
Copy !req
686. of Batman's suspected involvement
in the abduction?
Copy !req
687. This evidence is purely circumstantial.
Copy !req
688. This was found, stained with blood,
in the missing girl's dressing room.
Copy !req
689. - I gotta get out of here.
- No, it's your house.
Copy !req
690. Hold on. Just sit for a second and relax.
I'll be right back.
Copy !req
691. - Alfred, I've got to get down to the plaza.
- I saw it.
Copy !req
692. I know. He's practically begging me to show.
Copy !req
693. Which is why I hoped you'd snub him.
Copy !req
694. No, I can't. There's been a kidnapping.
Here's what I want you to do.
Copy !req
695. Shit!
Copy !req
696. Tell Selina, you know, Miss Kyle in there,
tell her I had to go out of town.
Copy !req
697. Tell her there's a big business deal
that came up. No, you know what?
Copy !req
698. Let her know, not in some kind of dumb,
be-my-girlfriend kind of way...
Copy !req
699. - I will relay the message.
- Great.
Copy !req
700. - Miss Kyle...
- Alfred.
Copy !req
701. - Mr. Wayne told me to tell you that...
- Mr. Wayne?
Copy !req
702. Bruce, yes.
Copy !req
703. Um, would you tell him for me that...
Copy !req
704. I've been going through a lot of changes and...
Copy !req
705. No. Just that...
Copy !req
706. this is not a rejection, my abruptly leaving.
Copy !req
707. In fact, he makes me feel the way...
Copy !req
708. I hope I really am.
Copy !req
709. No.
Copy !req
710. Could you just make up a sonnet
or something, a dirty limerick?
Copy !req
711. - One has just sprung to mind.
- Thanks.
Copy !req
712. - This way, ma'am.
- Sorry.
Copy !req
713. Where is that?
Copy !req
714. Ladies and gentlemen.
Copy !req
715. Please, if I could have your attention
for just a minute.
Copy !req
716. Folks, I know that to many of you...
Copy !req
717. Gotham seems a bit beleaguered these days.
Copy !req
718. But I want you to know
that your elected officials...
Copy !req
719. and your police department have
the situation well in hand.
Copy !req
720. - Gotta hurry.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
721. - It was set up to look like I did this.
- No sweat. I'll just tell the police...
Copy !req
722. I was kidnapped by an ugly birdman
with fish breath.
Copy !req
723. Did somebody say "fish"?
Copy !req
724. I haven't been fed all day.
Copy !req
725. Eat floor.
Copy !req
726. High fiber.
Copy !req
727. Hey, stud...
Copy !req
728. - I thought we had something together.
- We do.
Copy !req
729. Gotta go. Girl talk.
Copy !req
730. She let me go. I think
because I reasoned with her, girl to girl.
Copy !req
731. Be careful. Don't move.
Copy !req
732. Lawn dart!
Copy !req
733. Rats with wings, do your thing.
Copy !req
734. Batman pushed the Princess!
Copy !req
735. Hold your fire!
Copy !req
736. Hold your fire!
Copy !req
737. You're catnip to a girl like me.
Copy !req
738. Handsome, dazed...
Copy !req
739. and to die for.
Copy !req
740. Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
Copy !req
741. But a kiss can be even deadlier
if you mean it.
Copy !req
742. You're the second man
who killed me this week.
Copy !req
743. But I've got seven lives left.
Copy !req
744. I tried to save you...
Copy !req
745. Seems like every woman
you try to save ends up dead.
Copy !req
746. Or deeply resentful.
Copy !req
747. Maybe you should retire.
Copy !req
748. Damn.
Copy !req
749. Outstanding.
Copy !req
750. You're Beauty and the Beast...
Copy !req
751. in one luscious Christmas gift pack.
Copy !req
752. You said you were going to scare
the Ice Princess.
Copy !req
753. She looked pretty scared to me.
Copy !req
754. Touch of the bubbly?
Copy !req
755. So, what are we waiting for?
Copy !req
756. Let's consummate our fiendish union.
Copy !req
757. What are you talking about?
Copy !req
758. Oh, come on. Can't you picture?
Copy !req
759. It's dark in the mayor's mansion.
Copy !req
760. I'm bushed,
so here you come into the bedroom...
Copy !req
761. twitching your little tail...
Copy !req
762. my slippers in one hand,
a dry martini in the other.
Copy !req
763. Oh, please.
Copy !req
764. I wouldn't touch you to scratch you.
Copy !req
765. You lousy minx! I ought to have you spayed!
Copy !req
766. You sent out all the signals!
Copy !req
767. And I don't think I like you anymore!
Copy !req
768. Goodbye, my unintended. Go to heaven.
Copy !req
769. Thank you.
Copy !req
770. There he is!
Copy !req
771. Don't adjust your sets.
Copy !req
772. Welcome to
the Oswald Cobblepot School of Driving.
Copy !req
773. Gentlemen, start your screaming.
Copy !req
774. Maybe this is a bad time to mention this,
but my license has expired!
Copy !req
775. Just relax.
Copy !req
776. I'll take care of the squealing,
wretched, pinhead puppets of Gotham!
Copy !req
777. You gotta admit, I played this stinking city...
Copy !req
778. like a harp from hell!
Copy !req
779. Helpless old lady at 12:00 high.
Copy !req
780. That's funny.
Copy !req
781. Now I'm a little worried.
Copy !req
782. So he survived. What's the worry?
Copy !req
783. He didn't even lose a limb,
an eyeball, bladder control.
Copy !req
784. The point is, listen to them.
They've lost faith in old symbols.
Copy !req
785. They're ready to bond with you,
the icon of the future.
Copy !req
786. If it works, don't fix it.
Copy !req
787. We'll celebrate tonight
at my annual Max-querade Ball.
Copy !req
788. Shreck and Cobblepot...
Copy !req
789. the visionary alliance. Come on.
Copy !req
790. When it came time...
Copy !req
791. to ensure the safety of our fair city...
Copy !req
792. did the mayor have a plan?
Copy !req
793. No!
Copy !req
794. No!
Copy !req
795. He relied on a man.
Copy !req
796. A Batman.
Copy !req
797. A ticking time-bomb of a costumed freak...
Copy !req
798. Our prime concern is this ghastly grotesque.
Copy !req
799. But let's not forget
about repairing the Batmobile.
Copy !req
800. There's security to consider.
Copy !req
801. It's not as though we can take it
to any old Joe's body shop, is it, sir?
Copy !req
802. Security?
Copy !req
803. Who let Vicki Vale into the Batcave?
Copy !req
804. I'm sitting there, working, and I turn around
and there she is. "Hi, Vick. Come on in."
Copy !req
805. - Ready?
- I think I'll take the stairs.
Copy !req
806. You ask me, am I up here for personal glory?
Copy !req
807. No.
Copy !req
808. I toiled for many years...
Copy !req
809. in utter obscurity...
Copy !req
810. beneath your boulevards.
Copy !req
811. The glory that I yearn to recapture...
Copy !req
812. is the glory of Gotham!
Copy !req
813. How can this be accomplished?
Copy !req
814. I know you're all concerned.
Copy !req
815. Hey, just relax.
Copy !req
816. I'll take care of the squealing,
wretched, pinhead puppets of Gotham!
Copy !req
817. I didn't say that.
Copy !req
818. You gotta admit, I played this stinking city...
Copy !req
819. like a harp from hell!
Copy !req
820. Boo!
Copy !req
821. Get out of here!
Copy !req
822. Why is there always someone
who brings eggs and tomatoes to a speech?
Copy !req
823. There he is!
Copy !req
824. My babies.
Copy !req
825. Did you miss me?
Copy !req
826. Did you miss me?
Copy !req
827. Great speech, Oswald.
Copy !req
828. My name is not Oswald! It's Penguin!
Copy !req
829. I am not a human being!
Copy !req
830. I am an animal! Cold-blooded!
Copy !req
831. Crank the a.c.!
Copy !req
832. Where are my lists? Bring me the names!
Copy !req
833. It's time.
Copy !req
834. These are the names
of the first-born sons of Gotham City.
Copy !req
835. Just like I was.
Copy !req
836. And like me, a terrible fate waits for them.
Copy !req
837. Tonight, while their parents party...
Copy !req
838. they'll be dreaming away...
Copy !req
839. in their safe cribs...
Copy !req
840. their soft beds...
Copy !req
841. and we will snatch them...
Copy !req
842. carry them into the sewer...
Copy !req
843. and toss them into a deep, dark, watery grave.
Copy !req
844. Um, Penguin?
Copy !req
845. I mean, killing sleeping children,
isn't that a little, uh...?
Copy !req
846. No, it's a lot "uh."
Copy !req
847. Mr. Wayne, a reminder.
Copy !req
848. Tonight is that loathsome party
hosted by the odious Mr. Shreck.
Copy !req
849. May we RSVP in the resoundingly negative?
Copy !req
850. Not interested.
Copy !req
851. Although...
Copy !req
852. Selina Kyle might be there.
Copy !req
853. Ingenious costume.
Copy !req
854. Let me guess.
Copy !req
855. Trust fund goodie-goodie.
Copy !req
856. Feeling good, huh?
Copy !req
857. Well, you almost made a monster
the mayor of Gotham City.
Copy !req
858. I am the light of this city...
Copy !req
859. and I am its mean, twisted soul.
Copy !req
860. Does it matter who's mayor?
Copy !req
861. - It does to me.
- Yawn.
Copy !req
862. - Hi.
- Hi.
Copy !req
863. I'm sorry about yesterday, but I had...
Copy !req
864. a pretty big deal come through.
Fall through, actually.
Copy !req
865. It's okay. I had to go home and feed my cat.
Copy !req
866. So no hard feelings, then?
Copy !req
867. Actually...
Copy !req
868. semi-hard, I'd say.
Copy !req
869. There's a big, comfy California King
over in Bedding.
Copy !req
870. What do you say?
Copy !req
871. You mean, take off our costumes?
Copy !req
872. I guess I'm tired of wearing masks.
Copy !req
873. Me too.
Copy !req
874. Let me ask you something.
Copy !req
875. Why'd you come tonight?
Copy !req
876. - You first.
- To see you.
Copy !req
877. That's lovely.
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878. I really wish I could say the same,
but I came for Max.
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879. What do you mean? You and...
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880. Not you and Max.
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881. Me and Max.
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882. No. This and Max.
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883. Don't give me
a killing-Max-won't-solve-anything speech.
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884. Because it will.
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885. Aren't you tired
of this sanctimonious robber-baron...
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886. always coming out on top
when he should be six feet under?
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887. I'm sure you have a lot of problems
with your boss...
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888. but who the hell do you think you are?
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889. I don't know anymore, Bruce.
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890. A kiss under the mistletoe.
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891. You know,
mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
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892. But a kiss can be even deadlier...
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893. if you mean it.
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894. Oh, my God.
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895. Does this mean we have to start fighting?
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896. Let's go outside.
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897. - Are you okay?
- I'm all right.
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898. You didn't invite me, so I crashed!
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899. - What do you want?
- Right now, my troops...
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900. are fanning out across town...
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901. for your children! Yes!
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902. For your first-born sons!
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903. The ones you left defenseless at home...
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904. so you could dress up like jerks...
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905. get juiced and dance...
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906. badly!
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907. I've personally come...
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908. for Gotham's favorite son:
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909. Mr. Chip Shreck.
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910. You're coming with me, you great white dope...
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911. to die way down in the sewer.
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912. Not Chip. If you have an iota
of human feeling, take me instead.
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913. I don't. So, no.
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914. I'm the one you want. Ask yourself.
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915. Isn't it Max Shreck
who manipulated and betrayed you?
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916. Isn't it Max, not Chip...
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917. who you want to see immersed
to his eyeballs in raw sewage?
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918. Okay, you got a point.
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919. I'll let the little prince live for now.
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920. In the duck!
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921. This is gonna be good...
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922. to cut down a whole crop
of Gotham's most promising...
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923. before their prime.
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924. You ask me, how do I lure them in?
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925. A little Pied Penguin action.
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926. And you get to watch them sink...
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927. into a deep puddle...
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928. of your industrial byproducts.
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929. Then you join them.
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930. Would you hurry up
and get those kids loaded already?
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931. Right this way, kiddies. Come on.
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932. Come with me.
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933. So where are all the children?
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934. "Batman."
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935. My dear penguins...
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936. we stand on a great threshold.
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937. It's okay to be scared.
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938. Many of you won't be coming back.
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939. Thanks to Batman, the time has come...
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940. to punish all of God's children.
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941. First-, second-, third-, and fourth-born!
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942. Why be biased?
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943. Male and female!
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944. Hell, the sexes are equal...
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945. with their erogenous zones blown sky-high!
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946. Forward march!
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947. The liberation of Gotham...
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948. has begun!
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949. The penguins are moving above ground.
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950. Penguin army approaching launch destination...
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951. at Gotham Plaza.
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952. One minute until ignition.
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953. They wouldn't put me on a pedestal...
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954. so I'm laying them on a slab!
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955. The penguins seem
to be converging on Gotham Plaza.
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956. Thirty seconds until ignition.
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957. Estimated casualties after launch:
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958. 100,000 people.
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959. The penguins have reached Gotham Square.
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960. Fifteen seconds to ignition.
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961. Ready when you are, sir.
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962. I've got the coordinates.
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963. Ten, nine, eight, seven...
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964. - All right. Let's turn them around.
- Yes, sir.
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965. Something is wrong.
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966. Something has jammed the signal.
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967. They seem to be turning around.
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968. Hey.
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969. There is also something coming this way.
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970. Very large. Very fast.
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971. Who's there?
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972. I'm homing in on the signal's origin.
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973. You're just jealous
because I'm a genuine freak...
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974. and you have to wear a mask!
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975. You might be right.
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976. But what it all comes down to is,
who's holding the umbrella?
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977. My babies!
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978. I don't know what you want, but I know
I can get it for you with a minimum of fuss.
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979. Money, jewels...
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980. a very big ball of string.
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981. - Your blood, Max.
- My blood?
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982. I gave at the office.
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983. A half-pint. I'm talking gallons.
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984. Let's make a deal.
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985. Other than my blood, what can I do for you?
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986. Sorry, Max. A die for a die.
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987. You're not just saving a life, you're saving...
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988. Shut up. You're going to jail.
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989. Don't be naive. The law doesn't apply
to people like him or us.
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990. Wrong on both counts.
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991. Why are you doing this?
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992. Let's just take him to the police.
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993. Then we can go home...
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994. together.
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995. Selina...
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996. don't you see?
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997. We're the same.
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998. We're the same.
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999. Split, right down the center.
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1000. Selina, please.
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1001. Bruce...
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1002. I would love to live with you in your castle...
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1003. forever, just like in a fairy tale.
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1004. I just couldn't live with myself.
So don't pretend this is a happy ending.
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1005. Selina.
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1006. Selina Kyle.
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1007. You're fired.
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1008. And Bruce Wayne...
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1009. why are you dressed up like Batman?
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1010. Because he is Batman, you moron.
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1011. Was.
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1012. Don't.
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1013. You killed me, the Penguin killed me,
Batman killed me.
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1014. That's three lives down.
You got enough in there to finish me off?
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1015. One way to find out.
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1016. Four, five.
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1017. Still alive!
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1018. Six, seven.
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1019. All good girls go to heaven.
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1020. Two lives left.
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1021. I think I'll save one for next Christmas.
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1022. But in the meantime...
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1023. how about a kiss, Santie Claus?
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1024. Shit! I picked a cute one.
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1025. The heat's getting to me.
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1026. I'll murder you momentarily.
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1027. But first...
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1028. I need a cool drink...
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1029. of ice water.
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1030. Alfred, stop the car.
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1031. Well, come what may,
merry Christmas, Mr. Wayne.
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1032. Merry Christmas, Alfred.
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1033. "Goodwill toward men."
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1034. And women.
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