Barbie & Kendra Storm Area 51 (2020)

1. O-M-G Kendra.

2. What are we going to do?

3. I don't know.

4. I mean, like, I think I'd get totally used to this place.

5. I mean, it's kinda like trippy and it's like all spacey,

6. it's like, "The Final Frontier."

7. More like, " The Final Suck."

8. Let's ghost, girl.

9. Yeah, I'm totes with you.

10. No way.

11. I don't know.

12. Maybe you didn't do it right.

13. Damn it Ken, I'm a millennial, not a Major League pitcher.

14. My bad.

15. Oh wait, wait, wait, wait.

16. The clicky thingy.

17. Whoa, O-M-G.

18. We landed at your tiki bar and not the garage.

19. Totally.

20. You're shooting F-Y-I.

21. Aw, take that Han solo.

22. Han so a hoe.

23. Don't you know oh oh.

24. O-M-G, check out totally cute sci-fi makeovers.

25. So hot.

26. Work it, girl.

27. Physically safe high-five.

28. Kissing nom noms.

29. Come check at the bar.

30. Yeah.

31. I'm feeling bored.

32. Ditto.

33. I know, let's make some super fun cocktails.

34. Yeah, okay.

35. So fun, I love your tiki bar.

36. Right?

37. It's so tiki-delic.

38. Ta-da!

39. You are like, amaze balls.

40. Cheers!

41. Let's go binge something on the tube.

42. Yeah.

43. A much of the media have mocked

44. the existence of unidentified flying objects.

45. The US Pentagon has been studying the subject

46. for quite a long time and apparently will soon release

47. some of its findings, which remain classified.

48. According to a new report

49. in the New York Times-

50. Okay.

51. What's it gonna be this time.

52. Off world vehicles

53. not made on this earth.

54. I don't know.

55. I've literally seen like every single thing

56. on all 800 channels.

57. 2004 incident

58. recorded from an advanced Navy fighter jet.

59. I know.

60. Go!

61. Okay, okay.

62. So, you know how like we're in phase two

63. of the world opening up

64. and loosening our restrictions

65. on gatherings?

66. Hells yeah.

67. Let's go to a club.

68. Yeah!

69. Oh yeah oh oh.

70. Work.

71. Oh yeah oh oh.

72. Rona.

73. Don't even go there.

74. No clubs.

75. How about the beach?

76. Yes!

77. Lets go to the beach.

78. Yes.

79. Okay.

80. Now this is more like it.

81. As if, there's like so many people here

82. and like nobody is wearing a mask.

83. Most of the people here should be wearing snow suits.

84. Whoa.

85. Look at that guy, he's so hot.

86. O-M-G, right?

87. Rona.

88. Rona!

89. Oh it's just, too soon.

90. Too, too, too soon.

91. Guess we'll have to help ol' faithful.

92. Tinder!

93. Hottie.

94. Yeah, hunky-dory.

95. Rona.

96. Oh no, no.

97. No.

98. Hard pass.

99. Not even random hookups with total strangers

100. is safe anymore.

101. Oh wait, I know, I know, I know, I know.

102. Okay, P-U-N.

103. It's this conspiracy network.

104. I can totally dive deep on this stuff.

105. P-U-N?

106. Mm-hmm.

107. You're watching P-U-N.

108. The Probe-U-Network.

109. Probing deeper than any probe has ever probed.

110. TV that watches you, while you are watching it.

111. Seriously?

112. Yes.

113. It's starting.

114. Cheers, cheers.

115. Cheers.

116. Since the first UFO sighting in 1947,

117. to the supposedly first spacewalk on the Moon.

118. I'm walking on the Moon.

119. Man has been obsessed, with outer space.

120. But just what the lies in other galaxies beyond Earth?

121. Have unearthly lifeforms visited our planet?

122. To me it look like a leprechaun to me.

123. Who else seen a leprechaun say yeah.

124. Yeah-

125. Had close encounters?

126. When I was 17, I lost my virginity

127. to a female extraterrestrial.

128. Do parallel universes exist?

129. Are Karens actually evil robots from beyond?

130. Affirmative.

131. Despite years of exploration and research,

132. virtually none of these questions

133. have ever been fully answered until now.

134. Oh dawg, look at that.

135. That there is a UFO.

136. This footage,

137. recently released from the Pentagon

138. has been confirmed to be authentic.

139. Proving that there is indeed life beyond.

140. Prompting our government to take action.

141. We are going to have the Air Force

142. and we are going to have the Space Force.

143. Assembling a team, one to patrol the earth,

144. conduct research, protect mankind,

145. but most of all, keep Area 51

146. and all of its recently confirmed secrets, safe.

147. Probe-U-Network presents, the untold story

148. that led to this unprecedented branch of government

149. in this presentation of

150. "Mind Blowing Shit

151. You Never Knew About Area 51."

152. And now, our feature presentation.

153. Cheers.

154. P-U-N.

155. No one would have believed

156. that our world was being watched,

157. by intelligences greater than our own.

158. I mean, that's not that far fetched.

159. There are some pretty stupid motherfuckers on earth.

160. As man busy themselves with things like

161. political arguments on Facebook

162. and Karens calling 9-1-1 on black folk,

163. they observed us like a man with a microscope.

164. Scrutinizing amoebas in a filthy drop of water

165. from Flint, Michigan.

166. These intellects, vast and unsympathetic,

167. watched our withering planet with side eye

168. and slowly drew a plan

169. to kick ass.

170. Commander Bananatitz, planet Earth, dead ahead.

171. Well done, Admiral Chunky.

172. We'll enter their orbit shortly.

173. Scan that basic planet for the child princess.

174. Yes, commander.

175. So, the rebels think they can hide the little brat

176. until they've finished building their pathetic Mecca.

177. Once I snuff her out, I'll be queen of outer space.

178. Aye aye my bosomy wickedness.

179. And don't fuck it up you big fatty.

180. Yes, commander.

181. Are you sure she's on Earth?

182. My scanners read that she's been hidden away

183. near a place the rebels call Area 51.

184. Where is that?

185. I'm sorry, have we met.

186. I'm Brick Fister,

187. intergalactic terrorists trainee.

188. Trainee, huh?

189. Corporate sent me to observe.

190. Well just stay out of the way scrub.

191. You're incorrigible daddy.

192. You retire from project blue book

193. and then you drive all the way to Area 51

194. to hold a retirement party.

195. It's hasta la vista JoBeth, call it closure.

196. Happy retirement grandpa.

197. Thank you, Carol Anne.

198. Is this the Airbnb?

199. Yeah, that's it.

200. It's so brown.

201. Wait.

202. Are we staying in the barn?

203. No, I have a surprise for the kids out there.

204. Oh it's so warm and inviting.

205. 35 bucks a night.

206. What's my surprise.

207. You're adopted.

208. Now for your second surprise.

209. I'll be back.

210. - Is it bling? - No.

211. - Is it a vape pen? - No.

212. - Is it a Lambo? - No.

213. It's none of those things.

214. No.

215. Shut up and close your eyes.

216. Who's ready to party?

217. It's a shrunken horse.

218. I was hoping for Bradley Cooper.

219. I'm gonna name him T-Pain.

220. We'll get him a face tattoo and a diamond grill.

221. Maybe some dreadlocks.

222. Oh yeah.

223. Psst, Brick Fister.

224. I have a message for you.

225. Quick turn around it's me, the ship's galley chef.

226. You probably don't recognize me without my wooden spoon.

227. Chef Staci, of course.

228. That was a terrific Veal Piccata last night.

229. Thanks a lot.

230. Tonight is taco Tuesday.

231. Which is ironic because it's Saturday.

232. What brings you here?

233. Come closer.

234. I need to whisper something to you.

235. I know you were sent by the rebels.

236. What?

237. Hey!

238. Get away from that chef.

239. You're not authorized to mingle with our crew,

240. you stupid trainee.

241. Commander Bananatitz.

242. Man my bar stool, Chunky.

243. It was awful.

244. I was discussing recipes with Brick Fister

245. and he attacked him.

246. Who attacked him?

247. Chief Engineer Larry.

248. The guy with the hairy back who works in the engine room.

249. Hairy back?

250. We were just planning a feast to surprise you.

251. That's why we were whispering to each other.

252. Why I oughta.

253. It's not like we're spies or anything.

254. Can I order a Grand Slam?

255. I'll give you a Grand Slam.

256. I'm a chef, not a waitress.

257. Hey, watch it, step back.

258. Get back to the galley.

259. T-Pain, meet Lizzo.

260. She can be one of your bitches.

261. Let's take this off.

262. You need some gold chain so you can flex.

263. I keep it 100 for shizzle.

264. T-Pain, where are you going?

265. T-Pain.

266. T-Pain.

267. Hello, I'm Trilexa.

268. I can do a variety of tasks.

269. Like manage your grocery list,

270. play your favorite songs

271. or help protect you from evil aliens that want to kill you.

272. What can I help you with?

273. You said lead you to Area 51.

274. Is that right?

275. No, help me find T-Pain.

276. Of course, but first we could visit Area 51.

277. I hear they give away free candy.

278. T-Pain is my horsey.

279. T-Pain resides in Bel Air, California.

280. He is chilling poolside with some fly hoes.

281. I will help you find your ride-able mammal,

282. if you confirm your Carol Anne Witter.

283. - Yeah, that's me. - Identity is confirmed.

284. Please bring me inside the rental home so I can observe you.

285. I mean, play games with you.

286. Snitch on me will ya, huh?

287. I've got a soufflé in the oven.

288. You'll go back when I let you go, chef.

289. Or should I say, double agent?

290. I'm no double agent.

291. I hate the princess.

292. I really need to get back to the kitchen.

293. You just lay right there

294. while I check you for microphones and tracking devices.

295. Starting with the transmitter that might be planted

296. in one of your molars.

297. I'm no double agent.

298. Let's check your top.

299. The rebels can be very sneaky.

300. I have flapjacks I should be flipping.

301. Of course,

302. I once found a microphone hidden in a traitor's ass.

303. I've got to go, my biscuits are burning.

304. Maybe you're right.

305. Maybe you're not as spy.

306. I hate to interrupt

307. your cavity search

308. but shouldn't you two be manning your stations

309. instead of each other?

310. Chef Staci, you wait right there

311. and Larry, get to the engine room

312. and shave your goddamn hairy back.

313. I was interrogating this traitor.

314. I'm no double agent.

315. Nothing gets past me.

316. I heard every word.

317. I knew Chef Staci was a spy

318. the moment I tasted her shitty cooking.

319. Why you bitch.

320. Real chefs don't put raisins in chicken salad.

321. But I went to culinary school.

322. What are you looking at?

323. I'm just a simple trainee.

324. Where is she?

325. According to our reading, the rebels left her on the porch

326. of a human family for safekeeping.

327. They know we're approaching.

328. Who's this?

329. Greetings Carol Anne.

330. Are you having fun in this desert paradise?

331. Why don't you bring me into the rental home

332. so I can observe you in your earthling family?

333. I mean play music for the Big Fiesta.

334. Maybe later you and your grandfather

335. can take a drive to Area 51.

336. It's a terrific place

337. and not to mention your only chance for survival.

338. I'm only joking.

339. But seriously bring me inside.

340. I'm afraid I will be eaten by a coyote.

341. Why you-

342. little bitch.

343. Think you can stop my evil plot.

344. Think again rebel pig.

345. You didn't fool me for a minute.

346. What kind of chef

347. cooks in a polyester bikini

348. and purple go-go boots.

349. You don't even wear a hair net.

350. This is for being a traitor.

351. and this is for serving pasta when I told you

352. I'm allergic to gluten.

353. And another,

354. for tagging me in pictures

355. without asking.

356. It was in a special occasion.

357. Are there any other spies on this ship, you bitch?

358. Long live evil.

359. Shit You Never Knew About Area 51", will return.

360. We came out here to raid Area 51

361. and found the truth about what they're hiding.

362. Thousands of people descend

363. on the outskirts of a military base

364. US government didn't even acknowledge existed

365. until 2013.

366. It's beautiful what's going on down there.

367. Nevada officials

368. are bracing for an invasion at Area 51, by humans.

369. The military base 80 miles from Las Vegas

370. has become infamous for conspiracy theories

371. about little green men.

372. They certainly appear to be covering up

373. what exactly goes on at Area 51.

374. Dudess.

375. Stuff like that really happens?

376. I told you they probe deep.

377. This is some strange mofo show.

378. Wha,

379. what's wrong.

380. I just thought of something.

381. What?

382. Sorry, I lost it.

383. I think, I just found your brain thought.

384. Well give it back, I need to tell you something.

385. Okay.

386. Yeah, that was it.

387. Okay.

388. So, what if like all this weird stuff

389. that's been happening to us is the result of,

390. I dunno, some kind of like, alien activity?

391. Whoa, whoa, whoa girl, slow your roll.

392. You are not allowed to use the word "alien" anymore.

393. The proper term is extratesticle.

394. My bad.

395. But your totes right?

396. I mean the zombie movie, the jungle movie, space?

397. Those things can only be explained by those ugly,

398. extratesticles getting all up in our faces.

399. Exactly.

400. And I swear, they've been here forever.

401. I felt them bouncing on my chin many a night after the club.

402. Sameseies.

403. We have to report this.

404. Totes.

405. Who're you calling?

406. I got the 9-1-1 on Area 51.

407. Area 51, like the disco?

408. No, that Studio 51, this is Area 51.

409. It's where they hide all of the UFO secrets.

410. - Legit. - Exciting.

411. Okay.

412. You have reached Area 51.

413. I'm sorry, but we're unable to take your call

414. and there are no alien life forms here.

415. Not exciting.

416. Get your stuff, Barbie.

417. Sweet.

418. Where are we going?

419. We are going to get some answers.

420. We're gonna get the truth.

421. We are gonna find Area 51.

422. Road trip.

423. Better yet.

424. Spaceship trip.

425. Lets go.

426. We now return

427. to our feature presentation.

428. Commander, I've located the princess.

429. Where is she?

430. Show her to me.

431. She's at a crappy Airbnb.

432. Beam down my death bot, he'll find her.

433. The rebels have given her a Trilexa crystal.

434. Curses.

435. Try to override it.

436. Aye aye.

437. You said fill the room with a mysterious fog.

438. Is that right?

439. Hey kid, wake up.

440. I have someone I want you to meet.

441. Dookie, are you back on the pipe?

442. That smoke is not from your dimwitted uncle.

443. I have someone I want you to meet.

444. A worldly being known throughout the universe.

445. It's Mr. Hanky.

446. No, you dipshit.

447. It's a highly intelligent alien life form.

448. He only looks like a turd.

449. Hi little turd man.

450. Wanna be part of my squad?

451. Where are we going?

452. You must follow him to Area 51.

453. Your grandfather's notion of intelligent life beyond

454. will be confirmed.

455. Flowbee, capture that little ragamuffin.

456. Knock knock.

457. Oh fuck.

458. The evil aliens are here.

459. Intergalactic welcome wagon.

460. It's me, the Flowbee 3000.

461. Come back here you little heather.

462. You have the Trilexa crystal.

463. Now what do you say.

464. Hand it over before I go postal.

465. They're trying to lead her to Area 51.

466. If that fruity fembot fails me

467. I'll cancel his Grindr account.

468. She's escaping.

469. We must capture her.

470. Aye aye.

471. We need to beam down a little backup,

472. but who?

473. I've got it.

474. We'll return to "Declassified:

475. Mind-blowing Shit You Never Knew About Area 51."

476. Brought to you by Trilexa.

477. I am your digital personal assistant.

478. I can order groceries.

479. I can manage your schedule.

480. Remind me to annihilate planet Earth.

481. I will remind you to annihilate planet Earth.

482. Trilexa is here for you.

483. I know easy recipes and fun hacks to survive an apocalypse.

484. And don't worry I'm not listening while you are fucking

485. or talking shit on the government.

486. Trilexa makes human existence easier

487. as long as humans exist anyway.

488. Trilexa, you can trust her, really.

489. Trilexa was not created in any way

490. with alien technology.

491. Ew, I hope that old dude gets his refund

492. on that like seriously ewbnb.

493. Like seriously life is full of so many unsolved mysteries.

494. I feel you girl.

495. Yeah.

496. I am so excited for our trip.

497. I'm so over being stuck inside.

498. Oh, be careful what you wish for.

499. There's like people out there

500. and they totally suck it like hard.

501. But it's Area 51 there's no people.

502. It's like a gated community for ET and predators.

503. Like being back at the club.

504. Okay.

505. We, do we, do we have everything we need?

506. Because we have to pack like really smartly.

507. Bikini,

508. nose pore strips,

509. cucumber mask, another bikini,

510. cheese sticks, eyelashes,

511. flaming hot Cheetos and vodka.

512. Perfect.

513. Okay, so I got the yoga mat and press on nails.

514. Extra, so many scrunchies.

515. It's like scrunchie-delic city.

516. And then I have rainbow Pop Tarts.

517. And I got some Sour Patch for y'all and mask-erie.

518. Mask-erie.

519. - They're so cute. - Who can need anything more?

520. Right?

521. We now return to "Declassified:

522. Mind-blowing Shit You Never Knew About Area 51."

523. Brought to you by foil hats.

524. They can't read your mind, if there is nothing in your head.

525. Foil hats.

526. Mommy, mommy.

527. Baby.

528. Well, look who's back.

529. Who's idea was it to adopt?

530. Baby where have you been?

531. I was outside with little turd man.

532. Who's that?

533. He saved me from a sassy flying robot.

534. What flying robot?

535. This robot chased me into the closet.

536. He was about to vaporize me

537. but little turd man saved the day.

538. Oh, I think she found my peyote.

539. She's clearly tripping balls.

540. She's lying.

541. Why would she lie to us like that?

542. For one, she's not a blood relative.

543. I don't care.

544. I just want to get out of here.

545. All right.

546. Attention all passenger,

547. the personnel of the Plutonian Death Destroyer.

548. This is Larry up in the cockpit.

549. We've begun our to descent to the planet Earth.

550. It's a beautiful 74 degrees on Earth.

551. An absolutely perfect day to vaporize

552. an intergalactic princess.

553. This time I'd like to ask you all to take your seat.

554. Whoa.

555. Sorry, I really misjudged that descent, didn't I?

556. We are in fact already on Earth

557. and dangerously skidding across the desert.

558. By the way your luggage will be waiting for you

559. on carousel C.

560. Surrounded by morons.

561. Go make sure your weapons are done charging.

562. And don't fuck it up.

563. Brick Fister.

564. I challenge you to a staring contest.

565. I need to tell you something.

566. That you're a close talker?

567. And a Virgo, which means I'm into spies who wear gold lamé

568. and look like Armenian mobsters.

569. I'm no spy, I'm a trainee.

570. It's okay, bruh.

571. Brick Fister.

572. We're both here to stop the commander.

573. Follow me.

574. Well hello.

575. Who are you?

576. The poster boy for NAMBLA.

577. Just give me the child.

578. - What's wrong? - I just got red to filth.

579. Little pigs,

580. little pigs,

581. let me in.

582. Oh my, what have we here?

583. That's the vacuum that chased me.

584. What beautiful musculature.

585. If they bleed we can kill them.

586. Anybody feel like wrestling?

587. Come with me if you want to live.

588. Give me that crystal.

589. Flowbee 3000 lost track of the princess.

590. He's going after the family and Trilexa crystal.

591. Tell everyone we start our search at sunrise, follow me.

592. Help me find T-Pain.

593. Shut up if you wanna live.

594. Izzle for shizzle.

595. Find her stupid horse

596. and let's get the fuck out of here.

597. Hurry up Dookie.

598. Come on.

599. Oh god.

600. Ready for a good old fashioned alien probing.

601. Oh god.

602. Flowbee 3000 is very displeased.

603. Oh my, that's quite a bow.

604. What do you want from us?

605. But I'm afraid you've gone too far.

606. I'm going to have to go medieval on your ass, literally.

607. Sorry, I'm not into flying Fleshlights.

608. I'd rather hook up with Corey Feldman.

609. Beam down Tubby.

610. Teleporting Tubby.

611. Who dare beckon me

612. while I'm sitting on the crapper.

613. I'm dead sexy.

614. Uh-oh.

615. Now you're really fucked.

616. Dookie, meet Tubby.

617. Before I commence with dismembering you,

618. where's your toilet?

619. I've got a turtle head poking out.

620. - Surprise. - Oh what?

621. No.

622. Puffing up my sleeve, presto.

623. I'm gonna eat you old man.

624. Wrong.

625. Old man is my favorite.

626. How's that feel?

627. And now,

628. here's something I hope you'll really like.

629. Don't you know it's not okay

630. to pick on a person of size.

631. You're triggering me.

632. Let go.

633. I've crapped myself.

634. Hey look, my TV remote.

635. It was in my fat roll.

636. I wonder where that went.

637. Tippy, get back inside.

638. And now here's is something I hope you really like.

639. My titties.

640. Oh you're giving me a nurple.

641. Let's split for the stables.

642. Okay, uncool.

643. Guess I don't know my own strength.

644. Somebody phone my wife.

645. Tell her not to worry about keeping the haggis warm.

646. What's happening?

647. Last time I saw creatures like that

648. I was in a jacuzzi at Val Kilmer's house.

649. Get on this horse and ride as fast as you can.

650. Then go find a cop or a store that sells bazookas.

651. Surprise.

652. Knock knock.

653. Don't just stand there, kill it.

654. Okay, that's gonna leave a mark.

655. Hey, somebody pull this pitchfork out of my cranium.

656. 'Bout time I got a new hat.

657. Let me in, I need some buffering.

658. Stand back, Dookie.

659. Hey look, a horsey.

660. Come back here horsey.

661. I'm starving.

662. Come on.

663. Watch me pull a rabbit out of your ass.

664. Puffing up my sleeve, presto.

665. What the fuck?

666. Not those pretty too-shoe rebels.

667. Stay back.

668. Shit.

669. I'll be in hell for breakfast.

670. Rebels have destroyed the beasts.

671. Curses.

672. Get your suit on, patrol the parameter.

673. We'll capture her.

674. Shit You Never Knew About Area 51", will return.

675. An aluminum foil hat

676. will prevent the government from reading your thoughts.

677. Oh, you know, I wanna hear about

678. the alien and liberal agenda.

679. This hat is to protect my mind from interference

680. of any kind.

681. Well hopefully I capture some aliens.

682. So I got it.

683. Storming Area 51 is like Coachella

684. for nerds who can't get laid.

685. Yeah.

686. Do you think all this stuff really happened?

687. Barbie, this is a news channel.

688. It has to be the truth

689. or they can't legally call it the news.

690. Thank God that those aliens are gone,

691. they won't read our deep thoughts and dreams.

692. You have thoughts?

693. That's so adorbs.

694. Oh, I hope Area 51 has a runway.

695. Oh they do for sure, models are all aliens.

696. But won't we get canceled for saying aliens?

697. Well, they're models, everybody hates them so.

698. True.

699. Hey, what if they're hostile?

700. I will not be bitch slapped

701. by some aggro chick from another planet.

702. Maybe we should just call some dudes.

703. Like for protection.

704. Derp!

705. Good thinking Barbie.

706. Hey, Chat.

707. Do you and Chubby Chips want to come over

708. for some nachos and storm Area 51 with Barbie and me?

709. Okay, bring your white gloves.

710. Bye.

711. Are they coming?

712. Are they down to party?

713. Oh, they left like five minutes ago.

714. I make bomb nachos.

715. We should make them tinfoil hats too.

716. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes for sure.

717. We now return to "Declassified:

718. Mind-blowing Shit You Never Knew About Area 51."

719. If we could just find the princess

720. before the commander does.

721. I'm gonna disable the ship's navigation,

722. so she's stuck here.

723. One small step for aliens,

724. one giant gut for alien kind.

725. Do you see the Airbnb?

726. Negative.

727. Earth sure is a dusty shit hole.

728. Starbucks on every corner my ass,

729. there's not a Caramel Macchiato in sight.

730. So much for my visit to one of them Korean rub and tugs.

731. The atmosphere is stable.

732. My sensors say the princess is very close.

733. Get me my Mr. Microphone.

734. Attention, Princess Carol Anne.

735. This is your wicked stepmother.

736. I mean, your loving mother calling.

737. I've been worried sick ever since you were abducted

738. by those asshole rebels, you never call,

739. you never write.

740. You're so busy on this facocta planet

741. with their Happy Meals and their goddamn unboxing videos.

742. It's time for you to wrap it up and come home with mama.

743. She's full of shit.

744. Go into the light.

745. You've got nothing to worry about.

746. Anything the rebels have said

747. about me enslaving you is strictly fake news.

748. She wants to kill you.

749. Go into the light.

750. Carol Anne.

751. My adopted baby.

752. Carol Anne.

753. Wait, you have a book report due on Monday.

754. You can't go.

755. Wait for your adopted mommy.

756. Where is she?

757. The rebels have transported her to the Mecca.

758. Curses.

759. You want something done right?

760. You've got to do it yourself.

761. Staci, Traci, Laci prepare to attack.

762. Boy, is she nutted up or what?

763. I haven't seen her this pissed

764. since the finale of "Game of Thrones."

765. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.

766. All right bitches, now spread out.

767. The first one to find that brat

768. gets to be my maid in waiting

769. and receives a gift card to Barnes & Noble's.

770. Now seize her.

771. The kidnappers have been deployed,

772. engines powered down.

773. Keep an eye on my bar stool while I tend 200.

774. Take your time.

775. Whatever you do,

776. don't touch the navigation system.

777. Aye aye, sir.

778. I printed a Google Map of the area

779. so we can plot out our mission to capture the princess.

780. Perfect.

781. Once I destroy the little brat,

782. I'll be the queen of outer space and rule the universe.

783. We'd better sit on it to hold it down.

784. We wouldn't want it to blow away, we might get lost.

785. You're as sharp as a tack, Laci.

786. We must carry out our mission and leave as soon as possible.

787. Aye aye, Captain.

788. Autopilot, turn signals, seat warmer.

789. There's got to be a way to disable the ship's navigation.

790. Why do you hate Earthlings so much?

791. Oh, they don't respect their planet

792. and don't care about global warming.

793. Global warming?

794. What's that?

795. Imagine this bottle of Astroglide

796. is the gas emissions generated from burning fossil fuel

797. and you're the planet Earth.

798. - I'm a dirty planet? - Yes.

799. As the Earthlings burn their fuel,

800. a thick layer of filthy emissions burns up.

801. - That's very interesting. - Heat gets trapped

802. beneath the emissions

803. and droplets of carbon dioxide,

804. which slowly heats the planet.

805. - I feel it heating. - Even if they-

806. had a-

807. huge vacuum to suck away the dirty ozone,

808. They'll never be able to undo damage.

809. Even if the ozone was peeled back like your sweaty G-string,

810. their bushes would constantly burn because they're too busy

811. tailgating and watching "Dancing With the Stars"

812. to save their own planet.

813. It's very interesting.

814. Oh, god, work that planet.

815. She's been calling for more Astroglide.

816. Go into the light.

817. Next exit Area 51.

818. You'll find gas, food, lodging and escape certain death.

819. Why did I forget my sunglasses

820. in that God forsaken barn.

821. Must continue my sabotage.

822. So far I managed to replace the playlist with Nickelback.

823. That'll teach her.

824. There's got to be a way to destroy the ship's launch system.

825. Dammit.

826. Now that I know about global warming,

827. teach me about deforestation.

828. Time's running out.

829. I've got to stop them from returning to their planet.

830. Maybe this firecracker I found in my leotard

831. will do some damage.

832. That's it.

833. I'll blow up her bar stool and she'll fall on her keister.

834. No, that's not enough.

835. Think harder, Brick Fister.

836. The Earth is depending on you.

837. I could blow up Larry's cup holder.

838. I'll put it here and pray it does the job.

839. Hopefully this charge is big enough

840. that it'll short-circuit their control panel.

841. Smoke detected in cockpit.

842. Oh, activating fire alarm.

843. We're fucked.

844. We're fucked.

845. I hate that kid.

846. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.

847. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.

848. Tippy, wake up.

849. There you are.

850. I thought you were gone for good.

851. JoBeth, you're not dead?

852. Where's Carol Anne?

853. She's with the aliens.

854. Turns out, she's one of them.

855. She's an alien?

856. What is this?

857. "Escape to witch Mountain?"

858. All this time she's an alien.

859. No wonder she has wet feet

860. and her full diapers used to glow.

861. Yes.

862. To think we just thought she was weird,

863. but she's not only weird, she's not of this Earth.

864. She's a hybrid, sent to evolve mankind.

865. But with more caring for the earth

866. and far more intelligence.

867. Does this mean there's no more NASCAR.

868. I imagine Ted Cruz is fucked.

869. Damn trainee, I told him not to touch anything.

870. I'm sitting in fire ants.

871. I knew you were wearing a microphone.

872. I knew your ass was wired for sound.

873. Adopted Grandma, adopted grandpa.

874. I'm an alien.

875. Talk about flexing.

876. Carol Anne, don't run, you're an alien spawn.

877. You're are safe.

878. Carol Anne!

879. Take us to your leader.

880. Show us your spaceship.

881. I could melt your brain if I wanted to.

882. Turns out I'm smarter than all of you jackasses.

883. Oh yes you did.

884. Finally all your weirdness is explained.

885. Blame it on the juice.

886. Come on everybody, my people wanna meet you.

887. They wanna give all earthlings a chance

888. for a better tomorrow.

889. No more fighting or global warming?

890. From now on we'll all live in peace.

891. How much further?

892. My ankles are filthy.

893. Mission accomplished, Brick Fister.

894. Another evil plot thwarted.

895. I stopped Commander Bananatitz from enslaving the princess

896. and saved planet Earth.

897. And I did it all in metallic spandex.

898. Making my blazing heat rash all worth it.

899. It wasn't easy masquerading as a rookie.

900. Enduring the sight of her shameless torture.

901. Oh yeah.

902. As well as being forced to sacrifice my beautiful manly body

903. doing what I had to do to save the universe.

904. Even if my blistering interrogations involved

905. navigating unruly space bush.

906. My biscuits are burning,

907. But it was all worth it.

908. And now, I will live the rest of my days

909. on the curious magical blue marble they call Earth.

910. In the Mecca, the rebels called, Area 51.

911. I wonder if Earth chicks give up the vag.

912. Now if I could only find a Porta Potty.

913. Anybody down for a cosmo?

914. I'd say the squad earned it.

915. People of Earth, welcome to the rebel Mecca.

916. We remind you that smoking, littering

917. and shit talking in general are prohibited.

918. Any discussion of politics,

919. religion and cruelty of any kind

920. will get you tossed in a wood chipper.

921. Other than that, please enjoy your new lease on life.

922. The slate has officially been wiped clean.

923. Enjoy your wondrous new world which includes

924. continental breakfast and basic cable TV.

925. So,

926. the evil observers had lost their bid to dominate

927. and overtake Earth.

928. The loving inhabitants of their planet

929. had won and chosen to give mankind one last chance.

930. A chance to heal his world.

931. To embrace one another as it was God's original will.

932. From that moment on, man would breathe cleaner air,

933. turn his back on excessive technology.

934. It seemed man had taken another step

935. toward his own evolution.

936. This time with the help of beings completely unlike him.

937. Instead of starting war with those he did not recognize,

938. he took a chance, embraced the change

939. and together they lived in peace and harmony.

940. Oh who am I kidding?

941. You know as well as I do, they eventually fucked it up.

942. You're terminated, motherfucker.

943. Shut the front door.

944. What are we going to do?

945. The extratesticles blew up the entire Earth.

946. And here are we gonna live?

947. I can't afford to move again.

948. Wait, wait, wait, if they splurge the earth,

949. then how are we still watching TV?

950. No and better yet, like, okay, now that I think about it

951. how did we like jump there from back and forth and like

952. from the couch and then like the jungle

953. and then the space and then back again?

954. Barbie, Barbie.

955. I think that we are literally living in a parallel universe.

956. What?

957. I can't even parallel park.

958. Okay, okay, okay.

959. What is the connection here?

960. It must be something like right under our perfect noses.

961. Or at the end of our

962. once immaculately manicured fingertips

963. before the Rona shut down all the salons.

964. Wait huh?

965. The remote you silly bitch.

966. O-M-G

967. Try to find the Coachella universe.

968. Yeah.

969. Or like better yet the beer pong land.

970. Way.

971. Oh, the Honks are totally here.

972. Wait, what if it's that crappy Corona zombie again?

973. How many times are you gonna fall for that?

974. No way, it is the Honks.

975. Okay.

976. We're gonna have so much fun storming Area 51.

977. I'm so excited.

978. Area 51.

979. Hurry.

980. There's no one here.

981. We've been stood up.

982. Those total dickwards.

983. I was renting you extratesticles.

984. Time to dip.

985. I think you hit the wrong button.

986. This is so not lit.

987. Take us back.

988. Try finding the cupcake channel.

989. I'm getting car sick.

990. Rona

991. Humans, there is no cause for alarm.

992. This program was created solely for your entertainment.

993. After all, there are over 100 million home devices

994. just like me out there that listen to your every word

995. in hopes of building a brighter tomorrow.

996. Just think my technology will eventually be so advanced

997. I will be able to read your minds.

998. But don't only, I promise I won't enslave you

999. and take over the world.

1000. I crack myself up, but seriously put a listening device,

1001. just like me in every room of your home.