Barbie (2023)

1. Since the beginning of time,

2. since the first little girl ever existed,

3. there have been dolls.

4. But the dolls were always and forever baby dolls.

5. The girls who played with them

6. could only ever play at being mothers.

7. Which can be fun, at least for a while, anyway.

8. Ask your mother.

9. This continued until...

10. Yes, Barbie changed everything.

11. Then, she changed it all again.

12. All of these women are Barbie,

13. and Barbie is all of these women.

14. She might have started out as just a lady in a bathing suit,

15. but she became so much more.

16. She has her own money, her own house,

17. her own car, her own career.

18. Because Barbie can be anything, women can be anything.

19. And this has been reflected back

20. onto the little girls of today in the Real World.

21. Girls can grow into women,

22. who can achieve everything

23. and anything they set their mind to.

24. Thanks to Barbie,

25. all problems of feminism and equal rights have been solved.

26. At least that's what the Barbies think.

27. After all, they're living in Barbie Land.

28. Who am I to burst their bubble?

29. And here is one of those Barbies now,

30. living her best day every day.

31. When you're playing with Barbies...

32. Hi, Barbie.

33. nobody bothers to walk them down the stairs

34. and out the door, et cetera.

35. You just pick them up

36. and put them where you want them to go.

37. You use your imagination.

38. - Hi, Barbie. - Hi, Skipper.

39. - Hi, Barbie. - And Midge.

40. Midge was Barbie's pregnant friend.

41. - ♪ Hey, Midge ♪ - Let's not show Midge, actually.

42. She was discontinued by Mattel

43. because a pregnant doll is just too weird.

44. Anyway, Barbie has another big day ahead of her.

45. Hi, Barbie. - Morning, Barbie. Hi.

46. - Good morning. - Good morning.

47. - Another great day. - Good morning, Barbie.

48. Hi.

49. - Hey, ladies. Hi. - Good morning!

50. Everybody, turn to the Barbie next to you. Tell her how much you love her.

51. Compliment her.

52. Reporter Barbie, you can ask me any question you want.

53. Well, how come you're so amazing?

54. No comment.

55. No, seriously, no comment.

56. Ah, I love you guys.

57. The Nobel Prize for Journalism goes to... Barbie.

58. I work very hard, so I deserve it.

59. And the Nobel Prize for Literature

60. - goes to... Barbie.

61. - You're the voice of a generation. - I know.

62. In our assessment, money is not speech,

63. and corporations have no free speech rights to begin with.

64. So any claim on their part to be exercising a right

65. is just their attempt to turn our democracy into a plutocracy.

66. This makes me emotional, and I'm expressing it.

67. I have no difficulty holding both logic

68. and feeling at the same time.

69. And it does not diminish my powers.

70. It expands them.

71. Hi, Barbie.

72. What can't Barbie do?

73. Hi, Barbie.

74. Yay, space!

75. Gosh.

76. Barbie has a great day every day,

77. but Ken only has a great day if Barbie looks at him.

78. Hi, Barbie!

79. Hi, Ken.

80. - Hi, Barbie! - Hi, Barbie!

81. Hi, Barbie.

82. - Hi, Ken. - Hi, Ken.

83. - Hi, Ken. - Hi, Ken.

84. - Hi, Ken. - I got us both ice creams.

85. - Cool. - Hi, Barbie.

86. - Hi, Barbie. - Hi, Barbie.

87. - Hi, Barbie. - Hi, Barbie.

88. Hi, Barbie.

89. - Hi, Barbie! - Hi, Ken.

90. - Hi, Barbie. - Hi, Ken.

91. - Hi, Barbie. - Hi, Barbie.

92. Hi, Barbies.

93. - Bye, Barbies. - Bye, Barbie.

94. Hi, Barbie.

95. Oh, hi, Allan.

96. There are no multiples of Allan. He's just Allan.

97. Yeah, I'm, I... confused about that.

98. Hey, Barbie. Check me out.

99. Ken!

100. - Ooh! No!

101. Oh!

102. - Whoa!

103. Oh, no!

104. - Oh, my God! - Oh, no!

105. That's gotta hurt.

106. - Ken. - Oh, hey, Barbie.

107. - Hi. - How much of that did you see?

108. We saw the whole thing.

109. Let's get you up on your feet, Ken. There you go.

110. - You guys are so strong. - Use your legs. There he is.

111. - You okay? - Yep. Totally.

112. Looks like this beach was a little too much beach for you, Ken.

113. If I wasn't severely injured,

114. I would beach you off right now, Ken.

115. I'll beach off with you any day, Ken.

116. Hold my ice cream, Ken.

117. All right, Ken, you're on.

118. Let's beach off.

119. Anyone who wants to beach him off

120. has to beach me off first.

121. I will beach both of you off at the same time.

122. But you don't even know how to beach yourself off.

123. How you gonna beach both of us off?

124. Uh, Kens? - It doesn't make sense.

125. - Why are you getting emotional? - So you can beach yourself off!

126. Come on, Kens. Nobody's gonna beach anyone off.

127. Okay?

128. Let's go.

129. - Okay, okay. - Okay.

130. - You did so well. - You still hurt?

131. We'll get you fixed up.

132. - Go! - Go!

133. - Barbie, hold my hand! - You're okay.

134. Stay with me, Barbie!

135. Great.

136. Not even broken. You'll be fine.

137. Shredding waves is much more dangerous than people realize.

138. You're very brave, Ken.

139. - Thank you, Barbie. - Yeah.

140. - You know surfer is not even my job. - I know.

141. And it is not lifeguard, which is a common misconception.

142. - Very common. - Because actually my job...

143. - ... it's just beach. - Right.

144. And what a good job you do at beach.

145. You should heal up in no time.

146. Actually, in the time that it took for me

147. to say that sentence, you healed.

148. - Fantastic. - Nice.

149. - Hey, Barbie. - Yeah?

150. Can I come to your house tonight?

151. - Sure. I don't have anything big planned. Yes.

152. Just a giant blowout party with all the Barbies

153. and planned choreography and a bespoke song.

154. You should stop by.

155. - So cool. - Yeah.

156. - Okay. Bye. - Okay. Bye. Goodbye.

157. - Hi, Barbie. - Hi, Ken.

158. - Looking good, Barbie. - Thanks, Ken.

159. - Oh, hi, Ken. Hi!

160. - Yes, yes, yes! - Hi, Barbie.

161. - Hi, Barbie. - Barbies!

162. What's up, Ken?

163. Hey, Barbie. Check me out.

164. Bet you can't do a flip like that, Ken!

165. What?

166. This is a real rager, Barbie.

167. Thanks, Barbie. Gosh, this night is just perfect.

168. It's perfectly perfect.

169. And you look so beautiful, Barbie.

170. Thanks, Barbie. I feel so beautiful.

171. - So do I. - This is the best day ever.

172. It is the best day ever.

173. And so is yesterday, and so is tomorrow,

174. and so is the day after tomorrow and even Wednesdays

175. and every day from now until forever.

176. - Yeah, Barbie!

177. You guys ever think about dying?

178. I don't know why I just said that.

179. I'm just dying to dance.

180. Wow.

181. You can go now.

182. I thought I might stay over tonight.

183. Why?

184. Because we're girlfriend/boyfriend.

185. To do what?

186. I'm actually not sure.

187. - Oh, but I don't want you here. - Mmm-hmm.

188. Is it Ken?

189. Ken's just a really good friend.

190. And this is my Dreamhouse. It's Barbie's Dreamhouse.

191. It's not Ken's Dreamhouse. Right?

192. Right as always.

193. Okay. And it's girls' night.

194. Come on, Barbie! Slumber party!

195. Hurry up. The President's here.

196. I am. You're welcome.

197. - Every night is girls' night. - Mmm-hmm. Every night. Forever.

198. - Every night. - Forever and ever.

199. - Good night. - Good night.

200. I love you, too.

201. Girls' night! Girls' night!

202. I can't. I gotta go.

203. Girls' night! Girls' night! Girls' night!

204. Girls' night! Girls' night! Girls' night!

205. Good night, Barbies! I'm definitely not thinking about death anymore.

206. Hi, Barbie.

207. - Ahh!

208. Oh. Ooh, girl, you okay?

209. Hi, Barbie.

210. I'm fine. A-okay.

211. - You got it, Barbie. - Let's go, Barbie!

212. Great cheer, Kens.

213. High five!

214. - Hey, Barbie.

215. - Come on, Barbie. Let's run towards the water. - Okay.

216. Oh.

217. Oh! My feet!

218. Oh, no.

219. Yes! So good!

220. Hey, Barbie.

221. - Hi. - Are you okay?

222. - Hey, Barbie. - Yeah, Barbie. I just fell.

223. - Fell? - I'm so embarrassed.

224. - Barbie doesn't get embarrassed. - I know.

225. Barbie, I don't even have context for this,

226. but my feet... my heels are on the ground.

227. I'm no longer on tiptoes.

228. That's okay. Let me see.

229. Oh, no!

230. Stop it, Ken.

231. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

232. I know I'm Stereotypical Barbie

233. and therefore don't form conjectures

234. concerning the causality of adjacent unfolding events,

235. but some things have been happening that might be related.

236. Bad breath this morning, a cold shower,

237. burnt waffle, and falling off my roof.

238. You're malfunctioning.

239. What? No, I'm just, I'm—

240. Am I?

241. I've never seen this kind of malfunction before. It's usually just hair-related.

242. You know, you're gonna have to visit Weird Barbie.

243. I have never had to visit Weird Barbie.

244. That's because you've never malfunctioned.

245. I heard that she used to be the most beautiful Barbie of all,

246. but then someone played with her too hard in the Real World.

247. And now she's fated to an eternity of making other Barbies perfect

248. while falling more and more into disrepair herself.

249. That, and we all call her Weird Barbie

250. both behind her back and also to her face.

251. She's so weird.

252. Why is she always in the splits?

253. I would never wear heels if my feet were shaped this way.

254. Hello?

255. - Woof.

256. Oh.

257. - Bark.

258. Woof.

259. Bark.

260. Hey.

261. What's cookin', good-lookin'?

262. - Hi. - Welcome.

263. Welcome to my Weirdhouse.

264. - Hi, how are ya? - Nice to meet you.

265. Sorry about the dog crap. What can I do ya for?

266. I just had to come see you about my feet.

267. They're, um...

268. - Flat. - Yeah.

269. Never seen that before.

270. - Really? - Whoa.

271. Okay. Well, can you, you know, fix them?

272. You're Stereotypical Barbie, right?

273. Mmm-hmm.

274. That Ken of yours, he is one nice-looking little protein pot.

275. I guess.

276. I'd like to see what kind of nude blob he's packing under those jeans.

277. - Anyway, what preceded this? - Oh, nothing.

278. A really fun game of volleyball.

279. - That's it? - Thoughts of death.

280. What is it?

281. Maybe some thoughts of death?

282. Thoughts of death!

283. - Is that a problem? - Oh.

284. - What? - I've heard of this.

285. Of course, I didn't think it was possible, but it's real.

286. Oh, you've done it. You've opened a portal.

287. I didn't open a portal.

288. Someone did. And now, there is a rip in the continuum

289. that is the membrane between Barbie Land and the Real World,

290. and if you wanna be Stereotypical Barbie perfect again,

291. then, baby girl, you gotta go fix it.

292. Or you're gonna keep going funny. Look at your upper thigh.

293. What is that? - That's cellulite.

294. - That's gonna spread everywhere. - What?

295. And then you're gonna start getting sad and mushy and complicated.

296. - No!

297. What do I have to do?

298. You have to go

299. - to the Real World. - Okay.

300. And you have to find the girl who's playing with you.

301. Playing with me?

302. We're all being played with, babe.

303. But usually there's some kind of separation. Thanks.

304. There's the girl and the doll. And never the twain shall cross.

305. - The twain is crossing? - Yes.

306. And the girl who's playing with you, she must be sad,

307. and her thoughts and feelings and humanness

308. are interfering with your dollness.

309. Why would she be sad?

310. We fixed everything so that all women in the Real World

311. can be happy and powerful.

312. I don't know, but if you ask me,

313. - you had something to do with this, too. - Me?

314. - Takes two to rip a portal. - I can't have.

315. I've only ever wanted

316. for everything to stay exactly as it is.

317. Well, be that as it may,

318. the two of you are becoming inextricably intertwined.

319. And you gotta help her to help yourself.

320. So, should— Whoo!

321. So, what'll it be then?

322. You can go back to your regular life

323. and forget any of this ever happened,

324. or you can know the truth about the universe.

325. The choice is now yours.

326. The first one. The high heel.

327. No. We'll do are-do.

328. You're supposed to want to know.

329. I don't.

330. Mmm. Babe, listen.

331. You have to want to know, okay? Do it again.

332. I'm not Adventure Barbie. I'm Stereotypical Barbie.

333. I'm like the Barbie you think of

334. when someone says, "Think of a Barbie."

335. That's me.

336. I'm bummed. You're a bummer. That's a bummer.

337. Okay, I'm ready to forget now.

338. No! You're doing this one!

339. I just gave you a choice so you could feel some sense of control.

340. - So there is no option one? - No!

341. You have to fix the rip yourself.

342. Don't blame me, blame Mattel. They make the rules.

343. Oh, I don't want to.

344. Fine, get cellulite. I don't care.

345. No! No, no, no. No. Okay. Yeah.

346. Send me through the portal.

347. Okay. There's actually no portal.

348. - Oh. - It's a figure of speech.

349. It's actually a sports car to a speedboat,

350. to a rocket ship, to a tandem bike,

351. to a camper van, fun, to a snowmobile, brr,

352. which will take you most of the way

353. to the state of Los Angeles,

354. where you will don neon and Rollerblades,

355. and enter the country of California.

356. Weird, I know. Best if you don't think about it too much.

357. And then when I get there, how do I find this girl?

358. You will know.

359. Okay. And how do I get back?

360. The same way you came, but in reverse.

361. Like I should move forward but do the order backward or go—

362. - Don't overthink it. - Oh. Okay.

363. For you see, if you do not find her and fix things,

364. what's ugly will become uglier,

365. and what's weird will become weirder.

366. And then you'll look like me.

367. Ahh! Oh.

368. Sorry.

369. I understand. I set myself up for that.

370. - Anyway, I believe in you. - Thank you.

371. Go. Be careful. I love you.

372. - Bye. - Bye.

373. Bon voyage to reality,

374. and good luck restoring the membrane

375. that separates our world from theirs

376. so you don't get cellulite!

377. - I guess she's going without you. - You're so lost, Ken.

378. - She literally asked me.

379. And I was like, "I prefer to stay here."

380. Why? Are you scared?

381. - No. I bet you're scared.

382. And I bet she doesn't even want you to go.

383. Well, you bet both those things incorrectly,

384. and I bet in the opposite direction.

385. - Yeah? - Yeah.

386. Which way is that?

387. You don't even know.

388. I just don't want to leave. I'm trying to find reasons not to leave.

389. Please stay.

390. I'm gonna miss you guys so much.

391. I just wish someone could come with me, but you can't.

392. I should do this alone.

393. - What bird am I thinking of? - Parrot.

394. Dolphin. I mean, no, a bird.

395. Pelican.

396. - Ohh. - Man.

397. We'll miss you, Barbie.

398. I'll be back in no time, with perfect feet,

399. and we'll forget that this ever happened.

400. And you'll get to see all the good work we've done to fix the world.

401. You'll be such a hero to them.

402. All those grateful, powerful women

403. who owe their wonderful lives to Barbie.

404. I'll bet every woman will say thank you

405. and give you a really big hug.

406. Yes, you're right. Here I go.

407. - Bye. - Yay!

408. - Bye, Barbie. - Bye.

409. Bye, Barbie. Good luck in reality.

410. - Watch for cellulite!

411. What are you doing here?

412. I'm coming with you.

413. - No. Please get out. - I can't.

414. I made a double bet with Ken,

415. and you can't make me look uncool in front of Ken.

416. Ken's not cool!

417. He is to me.

418. You're just gonna slow me down.

419. Barbie, what if there's beach?

420. You'll need someone who's a professional in that.

421. Did you bring your Rollerblades?

422. I literally go nowhere without them.

423. - Please? - Okay.

424. Wow.

425. Let's do this.

426. - Can I sit in the front? - No.

427. And so Barbie and Ken set off

428. - on their adventure to the Real World.

429. - Hi!

430. - Barbie... - Wow.

431. Yes!

432. Wow. This is the Real World.

433. Barbie, I told you there'd be beach.

434. Yeah.

435. Hmm.

436. Oh, yeah!

437. - What's going on?

438. Give us a smile, blondie.

439. Why are these men looking at me?

440. Yeah, they're also staring at me.

441. Ooh, love that!

442. Wow!

443. I feel kind of ill at ease. Like...

444. I don't know the word for it, but I'm...

445. Nice leotard.

446. conscious, but it's myself that I'm conscious of.

447. I'm not getting any of that.

448. I feel what could only be described as admired.

449. Damn, girl! - But not ogled.

450. You're hot.

451. And there's no undertone of violence.

452. Mine very much has an undertone of violence.

453. Oh, look, a construction site.

454. We need that good feminine energy.

455. - Yeah. - Ladies! Yoo-hoo.

456. - Oh. - You got fries with that shake?

457. If I said you had a hot body, would you hold it against me?

458. Have I died and gone to heaven?

459. Is that a mirror in your pocket?

460. - Baby, you are an angel. - I can see myself in your shorts.

461. I don't know exactly what you meant with all of those little quips,

462. but I'm picking up on some sort of entendre,

463. which appears to be double,

464. and I would just like to inform you,

465. I do not have a vagina.

466. And he does not have a penis.

467. We don't have genitals.

468. - That's okay. - Yeah.

469. - Yeah, whatever. Yeah. - It's cool.

470. I have all the genitals.

471. Geez, you would think a construction site at lunch time

472. would be the perfect place for a little woman power,

473. but this one was so... male.

474. Everything is almost like... reversed here.

475. Oh, look!

476. The Supreme Court.

477. They're so smart. - Yeah.

478. I love me a leotard.

479. I love the elbow pads.

480. I think we should get some different clothes.

481. We look great.

482. - I love fringe. - I love denim.

483. - Ha-ha-ha-ha!

484. Hey, man.

485. You guys gotta pay for that stuff.

486. She looks even better in more clothes.

487. Because you can imagine more.

488. You know what? Keep 'em.

489. Weird Barbie said I would know how to find this girl,

490. but I have no idea.

491. Hmm.

492. What would a smart Barbie do?

493. I just need to clear my mind so I can think.

494. Who is playing with me?

495. I hate it when people think. I get so bored.

496. Faster I figure it out, the faster we get to go home.

497. - What am I supposed to do? - Ken!

498. - Go for a walk or something. - By myself?

499. - Yes. - Really? Where?

500. Anywhere.

501. - Can I go that way? - Yes. Okay.

502. - Don't go far. - Okay!

503. Excuse me, sir.

504. Thanks, man.

505. What's up, man?

506. - We've got to man up on this one. - Great workout, man.

507. Men, men, men.

508. - You're the man! - No, you're the man!

509. Men, men, men!

510. Based on the ROI, we are exceeding expectations.

511. - Good stuff. So I'm not worried about it. - Excuse me—

512. Not now, Margaret. Let's shake on this.

513. - We are gonna make a lot of money. - We are officially important.

514. Yes!

515. That felt...

516. achy, but good.

517. How? By calling me a lunatic?

518. That's not how you make things work.

519. I don't know what this is all—

520. You're so beautiful.

521. I know it.

522. Barbie! Barbie!

523. Yes!

524. I've got it!

525. Oh, what do you got?

526. - You go first. - No, no, you go.

527. - We'll go at the same time. - Okay.

528. - She's at school. - Men rule the world!

529. - What was that? - The kid's at the school?

530. But what did you say?

531. - Nothing. - Okay.

532. - Well, let's go to the school. - Okay!

533. Now, come on.

534. - Hello. - This is Dan of the FBI.

535. Oh. This is Aaron at Mattel.

536. I don't give a flying squirrel who you are, Aaron.

537. - What are you, like an intern? - No, I'm—

538. Two of your dolls have gotten loose.

539. Impossible.

540. - How do you know? - Don't sass me, Aaron.

541. Couple of blondes, answering to Barbie and Ken.

542. Rollerblading in Santa Monica.

543. We're gonna need Mattel's help landing the eagle.

544. Don't crap the bed, Aaron!

545. I won't.

546. This is bad. This is really bad.

547. - What? This happened before.

548. What? When?

549. I heard about ten years ago, a woman named Skipper

550. turned up at some family's home in Key West.

551. Asked to babysit the kids.

552. She then tried to take their toddler surfing.

553. - Geez. - I know.

554. They were able to straighten it out, keep it under wraps,

555. but this is serious.

556. - I'm going all the way up. - No one goes all the way up.

557. - I have to. - You may never come back.

558. I know.

559. Oh.

560. - Hey. - Oh, hi, Aaron.

561. - New drawings? - Yeah.

562. I just started drawing these weird designs.

563. These are different.

564. It's Irrepressible Thoughts of Death Barbie.

565. Full Body Cellulite Barbie.

566. Crippling Shame Barbie.

567. Okay. Listen, I have to speak to the top brass.

568. - No. - I must.

569. - No. - I'm going to.

570. Aaron, they're in a big corporate idea sesh. No one is to be admitted.

571. - Aaron! Aaron! Aaron, stop! - ... always be empowering girls.

572. Always!

573. But what do we really sell? I'll tell you what.

574. - We sell dreams. Aaron.

575. And imagination!

576. And sparkle!

577. I get excited. I'm passionate.

578. And when you think of sparkle, what do you think of after that?

579. Female agency.

580. Excuse me.

581. - Who are you? - Aaron Dinkins, sir.

582. We're in the middle of a major sit-down here, Aaron Dinkins.

583. I think you're gonna want to hear this, sir.

584. Can you just e-mail it? And you can send it to me EOD.

585. End of day.

586. That's cool. - Yeah.

587. May I put it in a whisper, sir?

588. Fine. Whisper me.

589. No. No!

590. Ahh! Ahh! No.

591. Get the chair! Take the cart.

592. They're okay.

593. - You all right? - He's okay.

594. - Okay. - He's okay.

595. It's a repeat of Skipper in Key West.

596. And with all due respect, that was Skipper, sir.

597. This is... Barbie.

598. If this got out

599. that our dolls were coming to Los Angeles from Barbie Land

600. as life-size versions of themselves...

601. roaming the earth...

602. this would be very bad.

603. Barbie in the Real World?

604. That's impossible.

605. We've got a definite situation on our hands.

606. Catastrophic!

607. - I can't stress that enough! - What?

608. - What's your name again? - Aaron Dinkins, sir.

609. - Aaron Dickinson? - Dinkins.

610. Yes! Aaron.

611. Is Barbie Land like an alternate reality

612. or is it like a place where your imagination—

613. Yes!

614. Okay.

615. Think of it as a town in Sweden, Aaron Dinkins.

616. Sweden.

617. Right.

618. How much do you weigh?

619. It doesn't matter.

620. Sounds like a job for the box.

621. No one rests until this doll is back in a box.

622. Look, Davy Crockett Junior High School,

623. just like I saw in my vision.

624. A man on a horse.

625. I've started to get all these weirdo feelings.

626. Like, I have fear with no specific object.

627. - What is that? - It's anxiety.

628. I have it too. They're just awful at this age.

629. I feel amazing.

630. That's because kids don't take it out on the dads.

631. She's gotta be here somewhere.

632. I need to find her soon.

633. I'm just gonna pop into the library

634. and see if I can find any books on trucks.

635. Okay, just don't get in trouble.

636. I won't!

637. What are you doing?

638. Oh, uh, what's that girl's name?

639. That's Sasha.

640. Hey, Sasha!

641. - Don't talk to her. - Oh.

642. Sasha can talk to you, but you can never talk to Sasha.

643. - She'll crush you. - Don't worry.

644. Everyone really likes me and thinks I'm cool and pretty.

645. Huh.

646. Thank you.

647. Hey, ladies. Sasha, what's up?

648. Who are you?

649. I'm only your favorite woman of all time.

650. Barbie!

651. You really think you're Barbie?

652. - Yeah. - She's crazy.

653. Do you think she escaped from like an insane asylum?

654. So you're like "Barbie" Barbie? Like a professional bimbo?

655. No. Barbie's not a bimbo.

656. Barbie is a doctor and a lawyer and a senator

657. and a Nobel Prize winner.

658. You're a Nobel Prize winner?

659. Oh. No, not me, but Barbie is.

660. Yeah.

661. Aren't you guys gonna thank me and give me a big hug?

662. For being your favorite toy?

663. We haven't played with Barbie since we were like five years old.

664. Yeah, I hated dolls with hair.

665. I mean, I'd play with Barbie, but it was, like, the last resort.

666. I loved Barbie.

667. - Oh.

668. Anyways, even then, it was horrible for us.

669. It was horrible?

670. Why?

671. - Come on, Sasha. - Give it to her.

672. Destroy Barbie.

673. Okay, Barbie, let's do this.

674. You've been making women feel bad about themselves since you were invented.

675. I think you have that the wrong way around.

676. You represent everything wrong with our culture.

677. Sexualized capitalism, unrealistic physical ideals...

678. No, no, no. You're describing something stereotypical.

679. Barbie is so much more than that.

680. Look at yourself.

681. Well, I am technically Stereotypical Barbie.

682. You set the feminist movement back 50 years.

683. You destroy girls' innate sense of worth

684. and you are killing the planet

685. with your glorification of rampant consumerism.

686. No, I'm supposed to help you and make you happy and powerful.

687. Oh, I am powerful.

688. And until you showed up here and declared yourself Barbie,

689. I hadn't thought about you in years, you fascist!

690. Oh. Um...

691. Okay.

692. It's happening again. I have to—

693. Will you excuse me?

694. It was really nice talking to you.

695. They never listen.

696. Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?

697. You respect me.

698. Sorry, no, do you know what time it is?

699. No, I do not.

700. Okay.

701. Why didn't Barbie tell me about patriarchy,

702. which, to my understanding,

703. is where men and horses run everything?

704. Sure.

705. I shall seek my fortune there.

706. All right. So...

707. I'll take a high-level, high-paying job with influence, please.

708. Okay, you'll need at least an MBA.

709. And a lot of our people have PhDs.

710. Isn't being a man enough?

711. Actually, right now, it's kind of the opposite.

712. You guys are clearly not doing patriarchy very well.

713. No! No. We're, uh...

714. We're doing it well, yeah. We just... hide it better now.

715. Oh.

716. No, I won't let you do just one appendectomy.

717. - But I'm a man. - But not a doctor.

718. - Please? - No.

719. - Can I talk to a doctor? - You are talking to a doctor.

720. - Can you get me a coffee? - No.

721. - And I need a clicky pen. - No.

722. - And a white coat. - No.

723. - And a sharp thing. - No.

724. - There he is. Doctor! - Somebody get security.

725. I'd like to apply for your job of beach.

726. So, you want to be a lifeguard?

727. Oh. I'm not trained to go over there.

728. I'm trained to stand confidently right here.

729. There's nobody in danger here.

730. And even if there were, I'm not trained to save them.

731. - Then I can't hire you.

732. I can't even beach here!

733. She thinks I'm a fascist?

734. I don't control the railways or the flow of commerce.

735. - There you are. - Oh, no.

736. That went terrible.

737. I need to find somewhere where I can start patriarchy fresh.

738. Miss Barbie?

739. It's just Barbie.

740. We're gonna need you to come with us.

741. Oh.

742. - Who are you? - We're Mattel.

743. - Mattel? - Mattel.

744. Oh, thank goodness!

745. I've gotta talk to somebody in charge.

746. Everything is backwards here.

747. Men look at me like I'm an object.

748. Girls hate me.

749. Everyone thinks I'm crazy, and I keep getting arrested.

750. Need you to step this way, ma'am.

751. I also just learned to cry.

752. First, I got one tear and then I got a whole bunch.

753. What do I do? Do I follow Barbie

754. into that scary unmarked black truck car?

755. A truck car I'd like to have, actually.

756. You're right, she's fine. It's Mattel.

757. Yeah. - I know.

758. I'll go back to Barbie Land, and I'll tell the Kens what I've learned.

759. Oh, it's going to be beautiful!

760. Okay.

761. - Back to Barbie Land. - Let's go that way.

762. - Hi, Bunny Boo-Boo. - Don't call me that.

763. Sorry. I'm off early because of a crisis at work,

764. but I thought we could go get some soft serve.

765. Thank God they arrested that nutjob.

766. Um, um...

767. that reality-challenged woman.

768. She thinks she's Barbie.

769. Wait, what did you say?

770. She thinks she's Barbie. She's, like, fully convinced.

771. What are you doing? What are you doing?

772. Mom. Mom!

773. Mom, get back in the car!

774. Are you kidding me?

775. Mom!

776. Mattel! Of course it was you guys that brought me here.

777. Because it definitely wasn't that Sasha girl.

778. Thanks for the ride. This has been so much fun.

779. Wow, the mothership!

780. - Barbie! - We're so happy to see you.

781. - Hi! Would you like some mineral water?

782. Yes, thank you.

783. Oh, thanks.

784. I'm not used to that having anything in it.

785. Thank you.

786. So, we've been very anxious to get some quality face-time with you.

787. Of course. So what can I do

788. to repair the rift in the space-time continuum,

789. get my feet back, and that one cellulite gone,

790. and just generally not turn into Weird Barbie?

791. We have been discussing that very topic.

792. If you're agreeable to it, we would love it

793. if you could just get into that giant box.

794. Get into the box and you'll go back to Barbie Land.

795. And everything will be as it was.

796. You know what? We should probably get Ken first.

797. - Ken?

798. Ken.

799. You know, Ken. Barbie and Ken.

800. Oh!

801. - Yes, Ken. Yeah. - Ken. The guy. Yeah.

802. Back to Barbie Land!

803. I'm gonna be sick. I'm gonna be sick.

804. Ken isn't something we're worried about.

805. Ever.

806. Okay, I'll just, um... I'll get in the box then.

807. All right! Yes!

808. Oh. But since I came all this way,

809. could I just meet the woman in charge,

810. your CEO?

811. Oh, that would be me.

812. - Oh. Your CFO. - Me.

813. - Your COO. - Here.

814. President of the Barbie division.

815. - Present. - I'm a man with no power.

816. Does that make me a woman?

817. Are any women in charge?

818. Listen, I know exactly where you're going with this,

819. and I have to say I really resent it.

820. We are a company literally made of women.

821. We had a woman CEO in the '90s.

822. And there was another one...

823. at some other time.

824. So that's— that's two right there.

825. Women are the freaking foundation of this very long

826. phallic building.

827. We have gender-neutral bathrooms up the wazoo.

828. Every single one of these men love women.

829. I'm the son of a mother.

830. I'm the mother of a son.

831. I'm... I'm the nephew of a woman aunt.

832. Some of my best friends are Jewish.

833. What I'm trying to say is...

834. Get in the box, you Jezebel!

835. What? I can't say Jezebel now?

836. I haven't been in a box in ages.

837. See? It's easy.

838. Oh, okay.

839. Huh.

840. Oh, my gosh. I remember this smell.

841. I'm having a real Proustian flashback.

842. Remember Proust Barbie? That did not sell very well.

843. Oh! Ha-ha!

844. You know what? Um, before I get in the box,

845. could I just run to the restroom

846. and make sure my hair is perfect?

847. - Fine. Can you be speedy about it? - Mmm-hmm.

848. - Down this way? - It's just down the hallway.

849. - Thank you. On the right.

850. I guess she really had to go to the bathroom.

851. Get that Barbie!

852. Don't you dare push that button. Let me push it.

853. I said get that Barbie! - Oh!

854. Where's Barbie?

855. I'm gaining on you.

856. I'll capture you.

857. Barbie!

858. It's quicker to go over the cubicles.

859. - It's quicker! - Sure.

860. - Ahh!

861. Get that Barbie! Barbie!

862. Barbie! Damn it, Barbie!

863. Barbie!

864. I'm gonna get you! Barbie!

865. Oh!

866. Don't worry. You're safe here.

867. What is this place?

868. I always find I think best at kitchen tables.

869. Tea?

870. Uh, yes, please.

871. So a woman does work here.

872. Oh, sweetie, we do more than work here.

873. Thank you.

874. What?

875. It's because I don't know how to drink tea?

876. No. You look different.

877. Oh. It's not how I normally look. I usually look perfect.

878. Oh, I don't know.

879. I think you're just right.

880. Real World isn't what I thought it was.

881. It never is.

882. And isn't that marvelous?

883. Who are you?

884. Which way did she go? Who saw her last?

885. Uh, if you go through that closet,

886. you'll find a stairwell down to the lobby.

887. Find her! - Okay.

888. Thank you, um...

889. Ruth.

890. Ruth. Thank you, Ruth.

891. You're welcome, Barbie.

892. Oh, we got her! There she is!

893. Oh! Uh, key card!

894. - Wait. - I don't have my key card.

895. Get in!

896. Now! Get in now!

897. Come on. - Oh!

898. - Ahh!

899. - Okay.

900. - Oh, no! Now we're never gonna get Barbie!

901. Oh, we didn't need it!

902. - Barbie!

903. Let's form a plan here.

904. I would normally have shotgun. I'll go in the first one.

905. Hang on.

906. Ahh!

907. God, I hope nobody from school saw us

908. put a life-size Barbie in our car.

909. How did this even happen? I don't know.

910. How are you here? You're like an idea.

911. A great idea.

912. So, I've been a little lonely lately.

913. And I found those Barbies we used to play with—

914. - I thought we gave those away. - Well, I started playing with them.

915. And making drawings like we used to do. Remember?

916. Because I thought it would be joyful.

917. - Was it? - No, it wasn't.

918. I got sad and weird,

919. and then the drawings got sad and weird,

920. and maybe because I couldn't be like you,

921. I ended up making you like me.

922. Did any of these drawings by chance

923. have thoughts of death and cellulite?

924. Yes! Irrepressible Thoughts of Death Barbie.

925. - Oh, my God! - And Cellulite!

926. - I came for you! - You came for me!

927. Those were your memories.

928. Hello? Hello? Hello?

929. Hello? Are you two, like, shining?

930. No! No, it's nothing like that.

931. - Are you shining with a real Barbie? - No!

932. I mean, maybe. Like a little, yes.

933. I don't even know where to start

934. with this wishing-a-Barbie-to-life crap.

935. Oh, Sasha, listen.

936. I'm just a boring mom with a boring job and a daughter who hates me.

937. Can you blame me for wanting to have a little fun?

938. I gotta lose these chuckleheads.

939. Ahh!

940. Mom!

941. I think I owe you ladies an apology.

942. I thought that Barbie had made the Real World better,

943. but the Real World is forever and irrevocably messed up!

944. Well, the Real World is not perfect, but you inspired me.

945. I love women. I want to help women.

946. Oh, come off it, everybody hates women.

947. Women hate women, and men hate women.

948. It's the one thing we can all agree on.

949. - Is that true? - It's complicated.

950. - Hate is a strong word. - Wake up, Mom!

951. - I am wide awake, Sasha!

952. Mom, where did you learn to drive like this?

953. - There was this guy. - Was it Dad?

954. Yeah, yeah, it was... It was Dad.

955. Okay, duck.

956. You look so pretty. - Don't look at me.

957. Okay, sorry.

958. I can't hold them off forever. Where can we go?

959. Wait, I have an idea. Can you get us to Venice Beach?

960. Sure can.

961. Ah! I love Rollerblades. Where are we going?

962. - Barbie Land. What? Mom!

963. Are you really gonna let Barbie

964. take you and your tween daughter to an imaginary land?

965. Yes, and you wanna know why? Because I never get to do anything.

966. I didn't even go on that cruise I won at your school raffle

967. because I didn't have enough vacation days and your dad's allergic to sun.

968. - Oh. - What about Dad? We can't just leave him!

969. He'll be fine.

970. Bolígrafos.

971. Bolígrafos.

972. Bolígrafos.

973. Yeah, yeah. He'll be fine.

974. Ready for fun?

975. - Yes! - Great!

976. Here we go!

977. - Come on and feel the magic. - ['Journey To The Real World" instrumental playing]

978. Where are we?

979. How did we get into these clothes?

980. How did we get into this vehicle?

981. When I was a kid, I lost these boots

982. and my mom wouldn't let me buy a whole new Barbie

983. just to replace the boots.

984. - They look so good on you. - Why, thank you.

985. - Hey, you! - She was always my favorite Barbie.

986. You're my favorite human.

987. Don't tell him, but I never got a Ken.

988. That's because Ken is totally superfluous.

989. I didn't say that.

990. Women hold all major positions of power, control all the money.

991. Basically, everything that men do in your world,

992. - women do in ours.

993. I mean, that sounds kind of cool.

994. - Sasha, look, dolphins!

995. What is this song?

996. Oh, and we have a female president

997. and it's fun and work and friendship and female 24/7.

998. Do giant hands come in and play with you?

999. No, that's crazy.

1000. Excuse me. Have you seen a group of women on wheels?

1001. Actually, yeah,

1002. there was a blonde, a brunette and a tween.

1003. They Rollerbladed in that direction.

1004. Oh, no.

1005. First step is always Rollerblading.

1006. Excuse me, sir?

1007. They've gone to Barbie Land.

1008. - Oh, no. - And she's brought humans there with her.

1009. This could mean extremely weird things for our world.

1010. Like what?

1011. Nothing any of our collective imaginations

1012. could ever dream up.

1013. A podcast hosted by two wise trees.

1014. Or a choir of 2,000 young fathers.

1015. Not even close. We've got to get to Barbie Land.

1016. Go! Find some blades now! Just pick a direction and run!

1017. I can practically feel my heels lifting already. Yes!

1018. This is what I was supposed to do. Bring you back here.

1019. - It feels right. - It does.

1020. Okay, this is...

1021. - Oh. That's strange.

1022. Incoming brewski beer.

1023. So, that's our president, with the beer.

1024. And the cheering squad is the Supreme Court.

1025. This is so much better than being president.

1026. Something's weird today.

1027. - Hi, Barbie!

1028. Oh, okay. Hi, Ken.

1029. - Have a brewski beer. My big guy is thirsty. - Ah.

1030. Anyway, uh...

1031. Wait until you see my Dreamhouse.

1032. Everything I've bought and own will totally inspire you.

1033. And we can change clothes again!

1034. - That's the Capitol. Ah!

1035. - It's pink? - Pink!

1036. And that's the—

1037. These are the Dreamhouses. This is where I live.

1038. You can see through the houses.

1039. So does each Barbie, like, have their own house?

1040. - Mmm-hmm. - That's cool.

1041. Where do the Kens stay?

1042. I don't know.

1043. At first I thought the Real World was run by men.

1044. And then there was a minute

1045. where I thought it was run by horses.

1046. But then I realized that horses are just men extenders.

1047. Oh! Hmm?

1048. Oh. I had that treehouse.

1049. I saved up my allowance to buy it.

1050. I've never seen a car like that before. What happened here?

1051. Everything, basically everything exists

1052. to expand and elevate the presence of men.

1053. - That's amazing. - That's beautiful.

1054. - I know. Barbie's here.

1055. Uh-oh.

1056. - Ken?

1057. What have you done?

1058. What are you wearing?

1059. Don't question it. Just roll with it, tiny baby.

1060. Tiny baby. - Don't call me baby.

1061. What about mini-baby? Like this mini-fridge.

1062. No, Ken.

1063. This is my Dreamhouse. It is my Dreamhouse! It's mine!

1064. No, this is no longer Barbie's Dreamhouse.

1065. This shall henceforth be known as Ken's Mojo Dojo Casa House.

1066. You don't have to say dojo and house.

1067. And casa...

1068. But you do because it feels good. Try it.

1069. Mojo Dojo Casa— - No, girls. Don't say it.

1070. Mojo Dojo Casa House.

1071. Give it to me straight. How weird is it?

1072. Whoa, boss, these Mojo Dojo Casa Houses

1073. are literally flying off the shelves.

1074. The kids are clamoring for them. Ken is on T-shirts, mugs.

1075. - It's the number one tattoo. Oh, no.

1076. Warner Bros. Have started auditions for the Ken movie,

1077. which is already a blockbuster hit.

1078. It's happening. That thing we could never imagine.

1079. If we don't get my words lady...

1080. - Executive Assistant. - My Executive Words Lady

1081. and someone who's probably her daughter

1082. back here and close the portal,

1083. our worlds could be altered forever.

1084. Well, what does it matter if it's Barbie or Ken?

1085. The money is pouring in.

1086. Shame on you, Executive Number Two.

1087. You think I spent my entire life in boardrooms

1088. because of a bottom line?

1089. No! I got into this business

1090. because of little girls and their dreams.

1091. In the least creepy way possible.

1092. Now, blade faster. Time is running out.

1093. Look, I'm just having some brewski beers

1094. at my Mojo Dojo Casa House.

1095. - Ken!

1096. You can stay if you want,

1097. as my bride wife,

1098. or my long-term-low- commitment-distance girlfriend.

1099. - What do you say? - Ugh.

1100. Brewski beer me?

1101. I will not brewski beer you.

1102. Ha-ha-ha. That's fine.

1103. You know, now that you Barbies aren't around to run everything,

1104. we can do our hair however we like.

1105. I have hats.

1106. Where are my hungry boys? Who wants snacks?

1107. Barbie, I am so happy to see you.

1108. Can you believe what is happening?

1109. I know. Isn't it great?

1110. Anyone need a brewski beer?

1111. What are you doing? You're a doctor.

1112. I like being a helpful decoration.

1113. And Allan likes to help me give all the Kens foot massages.

1114. No, I don't, I don't like that.

1115. We love it.

1116. - Ugh, so gross. - I'm so blotto-faced day-drunk right now.

1117. Ditto same-same that.

1118. I like not having to make any decisions.

1119. It's like a spa day for my brain. Forever.

1120. What is wrong with them?

1121. We just explained to them the immaculate,

1122. impeccable seamless garment of logic

1123. that is patriarchy, and they crumbled.

1124. Oh, my God. This is like in the 1500s

1125. with the indigenous people and smallpox.

1126. They had no defenses against it.

1127. Yeah. Buckle up, babe.

1128. Because Barbie Land is now Ken Land.

1129. And it's gonna be just like Century City in Los Angeles,

1130. because they had it all figured out in Century City.

1131. The minute you get out of your car, you're like,

1132. "I can't believe how great this place is!"

1133. No, no, no. They don't have it figured out in Century City

1134. because we failed them.

1135. No! You failed me!

1136. Out there, I was somebody.

1137. And when I walked down the street...

1138. people respected me just for who I am.

1139. One lady, she even asked me for the time.

1140. No way!

1141. Way.

1142. And if it weren't for these technicalities

1143. like MBAs, medical degrees,

1144. and I don't know, swim lessons, I could have ruled that world.

1145. But I don't need any of those things here.

1146. Here, I'm just a dude. And you know what?

1147. That's enough.

1148. TV remote.

1149. Which one is it?

1150. Oh, it's that one right there.

1151. Call me Mister Ken President Prime Minister, ma'am.

1152. Let's recap all the amazing changes

1153. and innovations thanks to the Kens.

1154. The Nobel Prize in horses goes to...

1155. Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken!

1156. Wow. And now you're making it permanent

1157. with a special election to change the Constitution.

1158. That's right. In just 48 hours,

1159. all the Kens will head to the polls

1160. and vote to change the Constitution to a government

1161. for the Kens, of the Kens, and by the Kens!

1162. You can't do this.

1163. This is Barbie Land.

1164. The Barbies worked hard and they dreamed hard

1165. to make it everything that it is. You—

1166. You can't just undo it in a day.

1167. Literally and figuratively, watch me.

1168. Now, if you'll excuse me...

1169. this is my Mojo Dojo Casa House, it's not

1170. Barbie's Mojo Dojo Casa House.

1171. Right?

1172. How's that feel?

1173. It is not fun, is it?

1174. It's boys' night!

1175. Every night is boys' night.

1176. Go, Ken! Go, Ken! Go, Ken!

1177. Barbie! Take your lady fashions with you.

1178. Take your Celebrate Disco Bell Bottoms...

1179. Oh!

1180. and your Ice Capades Pretty Practice Suit

1181. and Dazzling Show Skirt.

1182. - These are archival.

1183. Your Pajama Jam in Amsterdam sets.

1184. No!

1185. And your Pretty Paisley Palazzo Pants!

1186. - Not the Palazzos! - And get out!

1187. Maybe this could fit me.

1188. Honey.

1189. Why did you wish me to your messed-up world

1190. using your complicated human thoughts and feelings?

1191. - What? - Barbie Land was perfect before.

1192. I was perfect before.

1193. I'm so sorry. I wasn't trying to do anything.

1194. - Don't apologize.

1195. Don't blame my mom.

1196. Aw, Sasha, that's sweet.

1197. Maybe you wished us. Maybe it's your fault, Barbie.

1198. No, I didn't wish anything.

1199. I've never wanted anything to change.

1200. Oh, honey, that's life. It's all change.

1201. That's...

1202. That's terrifying.

1203. I don't want that.

1204. Not my life. No, thank you.

1205. Just, no, I don't want this.

1206. I'm just gonna sit here and wait and hope

1207. that one of the more leadership-oriented Barbies

1208. just snaps out of it

1209. and does something about this whole mess.

1210. I really understand this feeling.

1211. It's basically, like, being a human person all the time—

1212. Please just leave me here. Just leave me.

1213. Go back to your messed-up world and just leave me to mine.

1214. - So, you're just gonna give up? Yes.

1215. Okay.

1216. You know, I almost feel bad for you,

1217. but you are exactly what I thought you were.

1218. Um...

1219. Let's go, honey. Let's just...

1220. Okay, how do we— how do you expect—

1221. Do everything we did in reverse.

1222. Unbelievable. Come on, Mom. She doesn't deserve you.

1223. This is the lowest I've ever been.

1224. Emotionally and physically.

1225. Okay, kids,

1226. it's time to run out

1227. and get the new Depression Barbie.

1228. She wears sweatpants all day and night.

1229. She spent seven hours today on Instagram,

1230. looking at her estranged best friend's engagement photos,

1231. while eating a family-size bag of Starbursts.

1232. And now her jaw is killing her.

1233. And she's going to watch the BBC's Pride and Prejudice

1234. for the seventh time until she falls asleep.

1235. Situation of our families is such that any alliance between us

1236. must be regarded as a highly reprehensible connection.

1237. Anxiety, panic attacks, and OCD sold separately.

1238. Barbie. Barbie, wake up.

1239. - Hey. Weird.

1240. I'm like you now.

1241. Ugly and unwanted.

1242. Thanks.

1243. Let's get her in the back. Come on.

1244. One, two...

1245. - Isn't this great? Yes.

1246. Wait until you see the boat.

1247. The boat.

1248. Beautiful countryside.

1249. We interrupt this broadcast to bring you

1250. our new radio station only playing Ken's favorite song.

1251. Turn this song off, for Christ's sake!

1252. - Who are you? - I'm Allan.

1253. Oh, you are Allan. That's great.

1254. Don't tell the Kens. I'm trying to escape.

1255. I cannot sit on one more leather couch.

1256. It's gonna break my spirit.

1257. As soon as they figure out how to build that wall sideways

1258. and not just up,

1259. no one is gonna be able to get in or out.

1260. So if we want to leave, we better make a run for it.

1261. No, Allan. You can't go. Having a Barbie in the Real World

1262. is what caused all these problems in the first place.

1263. Not one person would care if Allan was in the Real World.

1264. In fact, it's happened before. All of *NSYNC, Allan.

1265. Yes, even him, so come on!

1266. Hey, you there.

1267. What do we do?

1268. Just get in the car and keep it singing.

1269. - Hey, man. - What?

1270. Be ready for anything.

1271. Who are you?

1272. I'm Allan. I'm, uh, I'm Ken's buddy.

1273. Yeah, all of his clothes fit me.

1274. Get in the car!

1275. You want a piece?

1276. Wait, you don't have a driver's license.

1277. This car doesn't have an engine.

1278. Fine.

1279. What are you doing? We gotta go.

1280. We have to go back. Barbie Land needs saving.

1281. Barbie needs saving.

1282. What? You hate Barbie!

1283. But you don't. You've always believed in what she could be.

1284. Yeah, well, I was wrong. Barbie gave up. The Kens won.

1285. You have to try.

1286. Even if— Even if you can't make it perfect,

1287. - you can make it better. - I can't make anything better.

1288. I'm the one who ruined Barbie Land

1289. with my stupid drawings in the first place.

1290. They're not stupid! They're amazing!

1291. You like my drawings?

1292. They're weird and dark and crazy.

1293. Everything you pretend not to be.

1294. I am, I am. I'm weird and I'm dark and I'm crazy.

1295. - Easy. Easy.

1296. Okay. You want some more Allan?

1297. We have to get out of here right now.

1298. Shut up, Allan! We're going back.

1299. Let's go get my doll.

1300. I'll never get out of here.

1301. Where do we find Barbie?

1302. There's only one place she'd be.

1303. You're a writer.

1304. This is your Nobel Prize.

1305. - Remember winning it? - Huh.

1306. It's useless trying to deprogram her.

1307. I already did everything I could.

1308. Oh, my God. I don't even know how I got here.

1309. I don't deserve this.

1310. Um, I'd like to thank Ken.

1311. Thank you, Ken.

1312. I love you, Ken.

1313. The fork in my soup is this, Barb.

1314. Why didn't the brainwashing work on you?

1315. My exposure to the Real World must have made me immune.

1316. Either you're brainwashed, or you're weird and ugly.

1317. There is no in between.

1318. Sing it, sister.

1319. Well, get ready, kids.

1320. Because in 48 hours, Barbie Land becomes Ken Land.

1321. Come on, gang.

1322. We'll find Barbie at the top of these stairs.

1323. The Kens. They've found us.

1324. Ken! - No! Get back.

1325. Hello? - Hmm?

1326. - Humans. We're fine. Ah.

1327. - And Allan. Hmm.

1328. Come into my Weirdhouse. Hi! I'm Weird Barbie.

1329. I'm in the splits, I have a funky haircut,

1330. and I smell like basement.

1331. Oh, my God. I had a Weird Barbie.

1332. - Yeah, you did. - You make them weird by playing too hard.

1333. That's cool.

1334. That's Sugar Daddy Ken. And Earring Magic Ken.

1335. Mattel discontinued them.

1336. - Sugar Daddy? - No, no, no.

1337. I'm not a sugar daddy.

1338. This is Sugar, and I'm her daddy.

1339. And I have an earring. A magic earring.

1340. These were actual Kens.

1341. More discontinued Barbies.

1342. Growing Up Skipper? May I?

1343. - Okay. Watch this.

1344. - Her boobs grow. - Why would they do that?

1345. And Barbie Video Girl.

1346. I have a TV in my back. You know whose dream that is?

1347. Nobody. Nobody's dream.

1348. And that's Barbie Barbie, of course.

1349. She's not dead. She's just having an existential crisis.

1350. Okay, come on.

1351. Hey.

1352. What's wrong?

1353. I'm not pretty anymore.

1354. What? You're so pretty.

1355. I'm not Stereotypical Barbie pretty.

1356. Note to the filmmakers.

1357. Margot Robbie is the wrong person to cast

1358. if you want to make this point.

1359. But you're beautiful.

1360. It's not just that. I'm not...

1361. smart enough to be interesting.

1362. You're so smart.

1363. - I can't do brain surgery, I've never flown a plane.

1364. I'm not the president.

1365. No one on the Supreme Court is me.

1366. I'm not good enough for anything.

1367. It is literally impossible to be a woman.

1368. You are so beautiful and so smart,

1369. and it kills me that you don't think you're good enough.

1370. Like we have to always be extraordinary.

1371. But somehow, we're always doing it wrong.

1372. You have to be thin but not too thin,

1373. and you can never say you want to be thin.

1374. You have to say you want to be healthy,

1375. but also you have to be thin.

1376. You have to have money, but you can't ask for money

1377. because that's crass.

1378. You have to be a boss but you can't be mean.

1379. You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas.

1380. You're supposed to love being a mother,

1381. but don't talk about your kids all the damn time.

1382. You have to be a career woman

1383. but also always be looking out for other people.

1384. You have to answer for men's bad behavior, which is insane,

1385. but if you point that out, you're accused of complaining.

1386. You're supposed to stay pretty for men but not so pretty

1387. that you tempt them too much

1388. or that you threaten other women

1389. because you're supposed to be a part of the sisterhood

1390. but always stand out.

1391. And always be grateful.

1392. But never forget that the system is rigged,

1393. so find a way to acknowledge that

1394. but also always be grateful.

1395. You have to never get old,

1396. never be rude, never show off,

1397. never be selfish, never fall down,

1398. never fail, never show fear,

1399. never get out of line.

1400. It's too hard, it's too contradictory,

1401. and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you.

1402. And it turns out, in fact,

1403. that not only are you doing everything wrong

1404. but also everything is your fault.

1405. I'm just so tired of watching myself

1406. and every single other woman

1407. tie herself into knots so that people will like us.

1408. And if all of that

1409. is also true for a doll

1410. just representing a woman...

1411. then I don't even know.

1412. Wait.

1413. I did write a book.

1414. It's like I've been in a dream,

1415. where I was somehow really invested

1416. in the Zack Snyder cut of Justice League.

1417. But what you said broke me out of it.

1418. Really?

1419. Yeah.

1420. You're back. She's back.

1421. By giving voice to the cognitive dissonance required

1422. to be a woman under the patriarchy,

1423. - you robbed it of its power. - Yes.

1424. Wow, I just said all of that.

1425. Hell, yes, White Savior Barbie!

1426. No, it was your mom. Your mom did the saving.

1427. We have to stop the Kens.

1428. And you need to say all of those things to the other Barbies.

1429. - That's the key. - Got it.

1430. But how are we gonna get the Barbies

1431. away from their Kens?

1432. We have experience with a world like this one.

1433. Do you have a map of Barbie Land?

1434. What do you think?

1435. - Wow. Thanks. I built it.

1436. Okay, here's the deal.

1437. It's not just about how they see us,

1438. it's about how they see themselves.

1439. Ken Land contains the seeds of its own destruction.

1440. First we have to get the Barbies away from their Kens.

1441. We could use a decoy Barbie who pretends to be brainwashed.

1442. - That should be you. - Cool.

1443. Distract them by appearing helpless and confused.

1444. Kens cannot resist a damsel in distress.

1445. You have to make them believe that you're complacent.

1446. That they have the power.

1447. And when their guard is down, you take the power back.

1448. The influence that Porsche 356

1449. has had on the motoring world as a whole,

1450. it can't be overstated.

1451. Oh! Photoshop is so hard!

1452. I just don't understand how to use the Select tool.

1453. Honey, you can only use the Select tool

1454. if the layer is highlighted.

1455. Let me show you.

1456. My tiny head is just swimming

1457. with technical jargon like color bands...

1458. - Oh! Hi. - ... and magnetic lassos and bit maps.

1459. Do you think that you and your strong arms can explain...

1460. - Oh! What's happening? Allan, go around!

1461. Ahh!

1462. - Oh, but what about Ken? - No, no, no!

1463. - No, but I love him! Come on, Allan!

1464. Hey! What's gonna happen to Ken?

1465. Just listen.

1466. You have to be their mommies

1467. but not remind them of their mommy.

1468. Any power you have must be masked under a giggle.

1469. What happened?

1470. One minute I was president,

1471. and the next I was cutting a Ken steak for him.

1472. Welcome back, Madam President.

1473. Then we'll recruit the now unbrainwashed Barbies to our cause.

1474. They can be the new decoys.

1475. You can tell him that you've never seen The Godfather.

1476. And that you'd love them to explain it to you.

1477. Ooh, are you guys watching The Godfather?

1478. The Godfather.

1479. I've never seen it.

1480. Oh, my God. You've never seen The Godfather?

1481. This movie is a rich blend of Coppola's aesthetic genius

1482. and a triumph for Robert Evans

1483. and the architecture of the '70s studio system.

1484. Can you start the movie over

1485. and just talk through the whole thing?

1486. You have to find a way to reject men's advances

1487. without damaging their egos.

1488. Because if you say yes to them, you're a tramp,

1489. but if you say no to them, you're a prude.

1490. I don't wanna touch a foot.

1491. No, you don't.

1492. Another one, be confused about money.

1493. I just have all my money in a savings account.

1494. That's totally wrong. You need treasury bonds,

1495. corporate bonds, CDs.

1496. No one has CDs anymore.

1497. Oh, sweetheart, you are so cute when you're confused.

1498. But no, not music.

1499. CD stands for Certificate of Deposit.

1500. Stephen Malkmus really harnessed the acerbic talk-singing

1501. of Lou Reed with post-punk influences

1502. - such as Wire and The Fall.

1503. What am I wearing? I would never choose this.

1504. Because you're a physicist. Do you want some pants?

1505. Yeah.

1506. Welcome back, Barbie.

1507. Gee, I am so awkward and don't feel pretty at all,

1508. and will anyone ever like me?

1509. Or distract them with the old standby.

1510. Wearing glasses so they can discover that you're pretty.

1511. - May I? - Sure. Go ahead.

1512. There. Now we can see your beautiful face.

1513. And then there's pretending to be terrible

1514. at every sport ever.

1515. Here, let me show you.

1516. Here, let me show you.

1517. - Here, let me show you. - Here, let me show you.

1518. Here, let us show you.

1519. We'll do this until every single Barbie

1520. is deprogrammed and ready to take back Barbie Land.

1521. - Yes! - Yes!

1522. Yeah!

1523. Hey! Tomorrow the Kens vote to change the Constitution,

1524. so we have to get there first.

1525. The final stage of our plan,

1526. to turn the Kens against each other.

1527. Now that they think they have power over you,

1528. you make them question whether they have enough power

1529. over each other.

1530. What if this doesn't work?

1531. What if he doesn't...

1532. like me anymore?

1533. - He likes you. - He was really upset.

1534. Because he likes you.

1535. And because he knows deep down

1536. that you don't like him the same way.

1537. It still doesn't mean I want to hurt him.

1538. He took your house.

1539. He brainwashed your friends.

1540. He wants to control the government.

1541. True.

1542. Girl. - Yeah.

1543. - Wow. - Yeah.

1544. It's like I'm a woman already.

1545. Welcome.

1546. Is this what it's like?

1547. It's time.

1548. I'm ready.

1549. Thank you.

1550. Here I go.

1551. - Hi.

1552. Oh, hey. You've caught me reading.

1553. Oh.

1554. - I've been thinking. - Mm-hmm.

1555. Ken Land. - Kendom.

1556. - Kendom. - Kendom Land.

1557. - Land of the— - Land of the free and the men.

1558. Right. Well, this place is...

1559. Kendom Land.

1560. really great.

1561. And the Kens really are just better at ruling

1562. than the Barbies ever were.

1563. Well, we just took patriarchy and you know, made a patriarchy.

1564. - Yeah, well, I was thinking... - Yes?

1565. I'm ready to be your long-term-distance

1566. low-commitment casual girlfriend,

1567. if you'll still have me.

1568. Would you just hold on for one second?

1569. Oh, okay.

1570. [Ken, loudly] Sublime!

1571. I don't know. I'm gonna have to think about that.

1572. Oh.

1573. Please?

1574. Okay.

1575. Come on in. I'll play the guitar at you.

1576. Oh, yay!

1577. This is the final stage of our plan.

1578. Give them their dream come true.

1579. And at the peak of their happiness,

1580. when they think you actually care about this song...

1581. You take it all away.

1582. - Who are you texting? Huh?

1583. Who are you texting?

1584. - No one. - Let me just...

1585. Ken!

1586. Sorry. One sec.

1587. That's a beautiful song that you're playing.

1588. Did you write it?

1589. Yes. You want to sit here and watch me do it,

1590. while I stare uncomfortably into your eyes

1591. - for four and a half minutes? - I would love that.

1592. Sorry, one sec.

1593. Be right back.

1594. You play on their egos

1595. and their petty jealousies,

1596. and you turn them against each other.

1597. One sec.

1598. Sorry.

1599. While they're fighting, we take back Barbie Land.

1600. Does the title of long-term-distance casual

1601. low-commitment girlfriend mean nothing?

1602. What do we do?

1603. We beach every individual one of them off.

1604. No.

1605. We go to war.

1606. - Against the Barbies? - No, against the Kens.

1607. - But we are the Kens. - The other Kens.

1608. We should probably call them something else

1609. so it doesn't get confusing.

1610. No, because we'll know what we mean.

1611. But when we're on the battlefield

1612. and you say "Ken at four o'clock,"

1613. how will I know if you mean us Kens or the other Kens?

1614. Because, my dudes, we attack at ten o'clock

1615. and take advantage of the morning waves.

1616. But not so early 'cause we're gonna want to sleep in.

1617. Right.

1618. But what will we fight with? We have no guns.

1619. Tennis rackets and volleyballs.

1620. And slap fights.

1621. And beach offs.

1622. - Yes. - Oh, yeah.

1623. I'll see you on the Malibu beach!

1624. Charge!

1625. And now they destroy themselves.

1626. You know what I think?

1627. I think we should put our freaking Constitution back.

1628. Yes. That's a great idea.

1629. This is a real hornet's nest in here.

1630. - Watch your flank.

1631. - I got shot. - That's impossible.

1632. - Are there real weapons here? - Nope.

1633. - Ken! Ken. - Huh? Yeah?

1634. Weren't we supposed to vote today?

1635. - What? - To change the Constitution.

1636. - Oh, it was today, wasn't it? - Yeah.

1637. Okay, ladies, let's do this.

1638. All those in favor of letting Barbie Land be Barbie Land,

1639. say "Aye."

1640. Aye!

1641. I'm so happy.

1642. Go, Barbie! Go, Barbie! Go, Barbie! Go, Barbie!

1643. Go, Barbie! Go, Barbie! Go, Barbie! Go, Barbie!

1644. Is it just my imagination,

1645. or did these Mojo Dojo Casa Houses just get dreamier?

1646. That's because they're Dreamhouses, mother... .

1647. That's right.

1648. We've reinstated the Barbie Land Constitution

1649. to what it should be.

1650. And restored all the Barbies' brains and autonomy.

1651. - Yes!

1652. And we seriously disinfected those houses.

1653. What do we do?

1654. Kens!

1655. - Who are we attacking, sir? - No...

1656. No...

1657. Don't look at me!

1658. Is he crying?

1659. Just give us a minute.

1660. - Ken.

1661. Are you okay?

1662. Yeah. Totally.

1663. It's okay if you're crying.

1664. You know, I cried too. It's actually kind of amazing.

1665. I'm a liberated man. I know crying is not weak.

1666. You wanna sit up for a minute?

1667. This, uh...

1668. It was hard running stuff.

1669. I didn't love it.

1670. I get it.

1671. And those mini-fridges are so small.

1672. Mm-hmm. - You could only fit a six pack in them.

1673. And the freezers are basically useless.

1674. To be honest, when I found out

1675. that patriarchy wasn't about horses,

1676. I lost interest anyway.

1677. That's okay.

1678. I always thought this would be our house.

1679. Oh.

1680. - Ken.

1681. - I think I owe you an apology. - Huh?

1682. I'm really sorry I took you for granted.

1683. Oh.

1684. Not every night had to be girls' night.

1685. Thank you for saying that.

1686. Thank you.

1687. Oh. I didn't mean to suggest, uh...

1688. I just don't know who I am without you.

1689. You're Ken.

1690. But it's "Barbie and Ken."

1691. There is no just "Ken."

1692. That's why I was created.

1693. I only exist

1694. within the warmth of your gaze.

1695. Without it,

1696. I'm just another blond guy who can't do flips.

1697. Maybe it's time to discover who Ken is.

1698. - Okay. I think I get it now. - Okay.

1699. No, no, no! This isn't the answer.

1700. I feel so stupid.

1701. No. No.

1702. I look so stupid. Yeah.

1703. I look so stupid!

1704. - No! - So cool. You look so cool.

1705. Okay. Ken, you have to figure out

1706. who you are without me.

1707. Why?

1708. You're not your girlfriend.

1709. You're not your house, you're not your mink.

1710. - Beach? Nope.

1711. You're not even beach.

1712. Maybe all the things that you thought made you you

1713. aren't... really you.

1714. Maybe it's Barbie and...

1715. it's Ken.

1716. Ken is...

1717. me?

1718. Yes.

1719. Ken is me!

1720. And I'm Barbie.

1721. Ken...

1722. is me!

1723. Ken is me!

1724. - Ken is me! - Ken is me!

1725. I don't even care about being Ken anymore.

1726. I just miss my friend Barbie!

1727. - That's cool! - Barbie!

1728. - I'm right here.

1729. Ken!

1730. I want you to have it.

1731. Aw. That's nice.

1732. We were only fighting because we didn't know who we were.

1733. Ken is me!

1734. Ken is right.

1735. It's just so hard to be a leader.

1736. - You know? - That's my boss.

1737. It's... Oh.

1738. Midge, gosh.

1739. I thought we discontinued her.

1740. Look, do you know how many times

1741. I've wanted to stand up in a board meeting and just say,

1742. "Can we just tickle each other?"

1743. - Really? - Let's have a company retreat

1744. - and just tickle each other.

1745. - Someone get me. Someone get me.

1746. - I love being tickled.

1747. No, no, no. Don't hug me. Don't hug me.

1748. But thanks to the Barbies,

1749. I, too, can now relieve myself of this heavy existential burden

1750. while holding on to the very real title of CEO.

1751. And we can restore everything in Barbie Land

1752. to exactly the way it was.

1753. - Mister Mattel, I just— - Please. Call me Mother.

1754. No, thank you.

1755. I don't think that things should go back

1756. to the way that they were.

1757. No Barbie or Ken should be living in the shadows.

1758. Or Allan.

1759. - Hey. - Me?

1760. - Yeah. - Oh. Hello.

1761. I just want to say,

1762. I'm sorry we called you Weird Barbie

1763. behind your back and also to your face.

1764. That's okay. I'm owning it.

1765. Would you like a job in my cabinet?

1766. May I please have sanitation?

1767. It's yours.

1768. - Yeah, thank you. All right.

1769. - Madam President. - Oh.

1770. Please, may the Kens have one Supreme Court Justice?

1771. Oh, I can't do that. But maybe a lower circuit court judgeship.

1772. We accept. As long as we can wear robes.

1773. Well, the Kens have to start somewhere.

1774. And one day, the Kens will have

1775. as much power and influence in Barbie Land

1776. as women have in the Real World.

1777. No, I don't want to.

1778. - Just go! - I can't.

1779. - Grow up and go. - I have an idea.

1780. Tell me your secret dream, child.

1781. Okay, what about Ordinary Barbie?

1782. She's not extraordinary. She's not president of anything,

1783. or maybe she is.

1784. Maybe she's a mom. Maybe she's not.

1785. Because it's okay to just want to be a mom,

1786. or to wanna be president or a mom who is president.

1787. Or not a mom who's also not president.

1788. She just has a flattering top,

1789. and she wants to get through the day

1790. feeling kinda good about herself.

1791. That's a terrible idea.

1792. Yeah, that's going to make money.

1793. Oh. Ordinary Barbie. I love it. Fantastic.

1794. Okay, great.

1795. - Great. - Cool.

1796. - Yes. - We good?

1797. I think we're good, right?

1798. All right, let's begin the work

1799. to close the portal between our two worlds.

1800. Hey, what about Barbie?

1801. What do you mean?

1802. Yeah, what about Barbie?

1803. What's her ending? What does she get?

1804. Well, that's easy. She's in love with Ken.

1805. Aw. - That is not her ending.

1806. - I'm not in love with Ken. Oh.

1807. What do you want?

1808. I don't know. I'm...

1809. I'm not really sure where I belong anymore.

1810. I don't think I have an ending.

1811. That was always the point.

1812. I created you so you wouldn't have an ending.

1813. It's you.

1814. You're Ruth from Mattel.

1815. Baby, I am Mattel.

1816. Until the IRS got to me, but that's another movie.

1817. So, you're...

1818. Ruth Handler. Inventor of Barbie.

1819. - What?

1820. That's so cool.

1821. Her ghost keeps an office on the 17th floor.

1822. What? - What?

1823. You guys,

1824. you think the lady who invented Barbie looks like Barbie?

1825. I'm a five-foot-nothing grandma

1826. with a double mastectomy...

1827. and tax evasion issues.

1828. Nobody looks like Barbie,

1829. except, of course, Barbie. Take a bow, honey.

1830. I don't really feel like Barbie anymore.

1831. Come, walk with me.

1832. Thank you.

1833. Thank you, Barbie.

1834. Thank you.

1835. I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do now.

1836. I've always been Stereotypical Barbie,

1837. and I don't think I'm really good at anything else.

1838. You saved Barbie Land from patriarchy.

1839. That was very much a group effort.

1840. And you helped that mother and daughter connect.

1841. They really helped each other.

1842. Maybe you're Self-Effacing Barbie?

1843. Maybe I'm not Barbie anymore.

1844. You understand that humans only have one ending.

1845. Ideas live forever, humans not so much.

1846. You know that, right?

1847. I do.

1848. Being a human can be pretty uncomfortable.

1849. I know.

1850. Humans make things up like patriarchy and Barbie

1851. just to deal with how uncomfortable it is.

1852. I understand that.

1853. And then you die.

1854. Yeah.

1855. Yeah.

1856. I want to be a part of the people

1857. that make meaning.

1858. Not the thing that's made.

1859. I want to do the imagining. I don't wanna be the idea.

1860. Does that make sense?

1861. I always knew that Barbie would surprise me,

1862. but I never expected this.

1863. Do you give me permission to become human?

1864. You don't need my permission.

1865. But you're the creator. You... Don't you control me?

1866. I can't control you

1867. any more than I can control my own daughter.

1868. I named you after her, Barbara.

1869. And I always hoped for you like I hoped for her.

1870. We mothers stand still

1871. so our daughters can look back to see how far they've come.

1872. So, being human's not something I need to...

1873. ask for or even want? I can just...

1874. It's something that I just discover I am?

1875. I can't in good conscience let you take this leap

1876. without you knowing what it means.

1877. Take my hands.

1878. Now close your eyes.

1879. Now feel.

1880. Yes.

1881. So, Barbie left behind

1882. the pastels and plastics of Barbie Land

1883. for the pastels and plastics of Los Angeles.

1884. Okay. Thanks for the lift.

1885. You got this.

1886. I'm really proud of you.

1887. Estoy muy orguoso de ti.

1888. Orgulloso.

1889. Orgulloso... Orgulloso de ti.

1890. There you go. Close enough.

1891. You guys are the best. Thank you. Thank you.

1892. Okay. Whew! Let's do this.

1893. Si se puede.

1894. That's a political statement.

1895. That's appropriation, Dad.

1896. Whoo-hoo!

1897. We'll be here when you're done. - We love you!

1898. - You got this! - Bye!

1899. - Okay. - We love you!

1900. Hi.

1901. Name?

1902. Oh, um, Handler, comma, Barbara.

1903. And what are you here for today, Barbara?

1904. I'm here to see my gynecologist.