Back to School (1986)

1. Thorny.

2. You call this a report card?

3. What kind of marks is this?

4. How you gonna go to college?

5. I don't wanna go. I wanna work with you.

6. You wanna work with me?

7. Listen to me. I say this once and I say it again.

8. However rich or successful a man is,

9. if he don't got an education, he's got nothing.

10. - I tried, Pop. I can't do it. - Then try harder.

11. You can do anything in life you wanna do.

12. Remember. You're a Meloni.

13. Hi. Are you a large person? Pleasantly plump? A little on the hefty side?

14. Or, let's face it, are you fat?

15. When you go jogging, do you leave potholes?

16. At the zoo, do elephants throw you peanuts?

17. Do you look at a menu and say "OK!"?

18. Well, eat all you want because Melon's Tall & Fat stores have got you covered.

19. Fine woolen and woolen-blend suits and sport coats in all the larger sizes.

20. Husky, stout, extra stout. And the new Hindenburg line.

21. And for you ladies we have caftans

22. and our own exclusive A-frame in all colors and patterns.

23. We have miles and miles of fabric.

24. Take it from me, Thornton Melon, to look thin,

25. you hang out with fat people.

26. Thornton Melon's Tall & Fat. 150 locations across America.

27. - Lou, you seen the new spot? - I seen it.

28. - Do I look fat in it? - You could lose a couple of pounds.

29. I need bigger actors.

30. How are you? Ophelia, hold some of my calls.

31. Yes, sir, Mr. Melon.

32. - Morning, everyone. - Morning.

33. Take it easy, will you? Don't get any on the walls.

34. OK, folks, what's up?

35. Mr. Melon, we have a serious offer on your

36. commercial property in South Florida.

37. - We feel you should sell. - Hold it for one more year.

38. Take the depreciation then transfer title to the California Corporation.

39. Show it as a capital gain. We should do great.

40. What else?

41. The toy division has a new doll idea to go with our children's clothing.

42. We call them Melon Patch Kids.

43. Now the competition exploits the notion that their dolls are orphans.

44. The Melon Patch Kids are not orphans.

45. They're abandoned.

46. - We think it's a winner. - Go with it.

47. - Keep the cost under five bucks.

48. We took a bath on those Chubby Tubby Tub Toys.

49. - Jason's on the phone. - Jason! OK, everybody, take a break.

50. Uh, excuse me, Mr. Melon, but we have a very long agenda.

51. - Later. My son's on the phone. - But Mr. Melon...

52. Beat it.

53. Jason, how you doing? How's the diving going?

54. It's great. We just finished our practice.

55. Keep it up. And the fraternity? I'll bet you're having fun.

56. What do you think? Yeah, it's great.

57. Good, that's great. Hey, you're not doing too much?

58. - You're studying? - Right now we're between semesters.

59. So classes don't start for another week.

60. No classes?

61. Then come home. Your mother and I are having a fifth anniversary party.

62. Whoa, Dad. She's not my mother, she's your wife.

63. And she doesn't want me around.

64. OK, let's not start that again.

65. - I'll come up there to see you. - No. Bad, bad idea.

66. I got this big dive meet. I gotta practice.

67. I wouldn't have time to see you.

68. OK, I understand.

69. Look, I promise I'll come down and visit next break I get, all right?

70. - I gotta go, OK? - OK, Jason. Take care of yourself.

71. - I love you. - I love you too. All right. Bye-bye.

72. Melon, I told you to clean my locker.

73. If it's too much, we'll get a new towel boy.

74. I'm sorry, Chas. I'll get onto it, OK?

75. Home, sweet home.

76. - I liked the old house better. - So did I.

77. I liked the old wife better too.

78. Lay off Vanessa. She gives great headache.

79. Lou, I can't believe it. Married five years. Seems like yesterday.

80. You know how lousy yesterday was.

81. Please don't throw your clothes on the Breuer chair.

82. How come all our furniture has names?

83. I have absolutely nothing to wear.

84. You got six closets full of nothing to wear.

85. - Are you saying I spend too much money? - You, too much money? No.

86. Lots of people go to Switzerland to get their watch fixed.

87. You have no taste, Thornton.

88. Right. I married you.

89. No time to argue. Our friends will be here soon.

90. Your friends.

91. They are my friends and I'd like to keep them.

92. So behave yourself.

93. If the roast beef is right, they'll be back.

94. - Jennifer, you look divine. - Thank you.

95. And Peter! I thought you were still in Portofino. Why haven't you called?

96. - She's a lovely girl. - Oh, yes, she is.

97. Ramon, you look fantastic. I thought you were still in Tijuana.

98. - Excuse me, señor? - Nothing, sorry. Give me a beer.

99. I'm sorry, señor. All we have is martinis and Champagne.

100. My own house, I can't get a beer.

101. Mrs. Melon gave strict orders. No cerveza.

102. It's all right. I'll get it myself.

103. - Ancora! - Ti voglio!

104. Hey! Adam and Evil.

105. Hey... Mr. Melon.

106. We were just

107. looking for some cocktail napkins.

108. Where, under her dress?

109. - You're impossible. - And you're easy.

110. I love Klimt. Don't you?

111. Mr. Melon! Your wife was showing us her Klimt.

112. You too, huh? She's shown it to everybody.

113. She's very proud of it.

114. I'm proud of mine but don't wave it about.

115. - It's an exceptional painting. - Oh, the painting. Uh, yeah.

116. Drink up. Enjoy yourselves.

117. I hate small food, you know?

118. What's he doing?

119. Waiter, come here, will you? Put your hand there.

120. I learned this in Europe.

121. Look at that. Coming through. Hot stuff.

122. Thornton, meet Mr. And Mrs. Stuyvesant.

123. Oh, right.

124. - How do you do? - Thornton...

125. How are you doing?

126. - Hi there, sir. How are you? - Not too bad, thank you.

127. No, I got my own. It's all right.

128. Millicent, you look charming. I love your dress.

129. Don't you, Thornton? It's such a lovely shade of green.

130. Yeah, if that dress had pockets, you'd look like a pool table.

131. You should try my Tall & Fat stores. No offence.

132. May I speak to you privately, please?

133. Watch my sandwich, will you?

134. I can't take any more. You've insulted our friends, you've insulted... me.

135. - You're set on ruining this party. - Party? It's a dog show out there.

136. Your friends come for free booze and to suck up to you for donations.

137. You have no class, Thornton, and I'm tired of it.

138. - I want a divorce. - I knew we had something in common.

139. - Here. Sign these.

140. Oh! Oh, I'm afraid it's not gonna be that easy, honey.

141. This is gonna cost you. Plenty.

142. Oh, yeah? Vanessa, let's talk about class.

143. Here's you and Giorgio in the guest room.

144. You and Giorgio in the rumpus room. Another classy one.

145. This one, I can't figure out. There's you, Giorgio, what's with the midget?

146. That one... Hey, wait! I got more.

147. - What happened? - What happened? I got rid of Vanessa.

148. I feel like I got paroled.

149. I'll tell you what bothers me. I let her come between me and Jason.

150. Lou, pack our bags.

151. We're going to that college, to see my son.

152. Boy, will Jason be surprised!

153. There's Greek letters. That must be the house.

154. - Is that an omega or a unicorn? - Don't you know any Greek?

155. The only Greek I know owns a coffee shop, Jimmy.

156. He had an ugly wife, four ugly kids and good coffee.

157. Wait here. I'll try this one.

158. Hello! Hello!

159. Anybody here?

160. - Jason, where are you?

161. Hey, I need some help here!

162. - Hey, buddy, I'm talking to you.

163. Take it easy, honey, I didn't see a thing.

164. You're perfect.

165. Perfectly understandable, Mr. Melon. It was an honest mistake.

166. - Let's call it a bad day. - But a great view.

167. You're all right, officer. Here, a little something for the kids.

168. - I don't have any kids. - Here, get yourself some. Take it all.

169. Just remember, the best thing about kids is making 'em.

170. Even if I do manage to graduate, what then?

171. There's the private sector, but look how bad the job market is.

172. - There's Valerie Desmond. - See you guys.

173. Look how tight her ass is today.

174. Man, do you think there's any way she would ever go out with me?

175. - Hmmmm... No. - Oh, thanks.

176. It's this whole stupid capitalist system.

177. It's set up to reward the advantaged and the aggressive

178. and make sure two regular schmos like you and me

179. never get to date girls like Valerie.

180. I hate the whole bourgeois mentality of this school.

181. Do you make this bullshit up as you go or do you read it?

182. No, I read this. It's Karl Marx's famous Proletarian Chicks In Bondage,

183. a Condom House book with a leather hood.

184. - With pictures? Can I borrow it? - Let's move on.

185. - Right up. - Yeah, well, you know...

186. Aah!

187. Dad, uh, what are you doing here?

188. I'm robbing your room, that's what.

189. We drive 300 miles to see him, that's the greeting we get. Come here!

190. Hey, I'm sorry. I'm glad to see you but I wish I'd known you were coming.

191. I'll bet. The fraternity house said you weren't a member.

192. - I can explain. - And you're not on the diving team.

193. - You're the towel boy. - I can explain that.

194. - OK, explain it. - I lied.

195. Great, that explains it. You don't lie to me.

196. You lie to girls.

197. Who's this?

198. Sorry, this is my roommate, Derek Lutz.

199. This is the dad and this is Lou.

200. - That your real hair? - What do you think?

201. I think you're trying to get back at your parents.

202. Show me the campus. I wanna talk to you.

203. Oh, good.

204. Boy, what a great-looking place.

205. When I dreamed of going to college, this is how I pictured it.

206. When did you dream of going to college?

207. When I used to fall asleep in high school.

208. I know how much this means to you. Sorry I lied.

209. You don't have to lie. I'll love you just the same.

210. - You'll love me no matter what? - No matter what.

211. - I'm dropping out. - You're dropping out?

212. You just got here. You just started.

213. But I don't fit in. I got one friend, Derek. He's got no friends.

214. The girls don't like me, the fraternities don't want me,

215. the diving coach won't talk to me.

216. At least you're getting an education.

217. Last semester I got nothing but Cs.

218. A, B, C... in the top three. Nothing to worry about.

219. I think I'd be better off getting a job.

220. You never went to college. You're doing great.

221. I said it before and I'll say it again.

222. However rich or successful a man is, without an education, he's nothing.

223. Stay in school, study harder. You can be whatever you want.

224. You wanna be a loser, be a loser.

225. Jason, it's up to you. You can do it. Remember, you're a Melon.

226. That's easy for you to say. You don't have to do it.

227. OK, I'll do it with you.

228. - What do you mean? - I mean just what I said.

229. I'm going to college. What do you think?

230. I think you're nuts.

231. Nuts? Who made the rules? I'm going to college.

232. Let me get this straight, Mr. Melon.

233. You wish to enter this esteemed

234. Grand Lakes University of ours as a freshman?

235. That's right, Dean Martin.

236. - Are you comfortable? - Oh, I'm fine, yes.

237. Oh, the chair. Oh, I'm sorry.

238. This is an awkward moment for me, Mr. Melon,

239. since I realize you're a highly respected member

240. of our business community.

241. - Thank you. - You're welcome.

242. Our student body here is hand-picked by me

243. from the crème de la crème of students all across this great land.

244. - That's one of the things I like here. - Yes.

245. Since you have no high school diploma,

246. and no transcripts of any kind, no SAT scores,

247. and you're 30 to 40 years older than our average freshman,

248. how can this university see its way clear to accept you as a student?

249. As Coolidge said, "The business of America is business."

250. And the business of an educational institution such as ours

251. is to create young minds that understand

252. that the business of America is the kind of business that it actually is.

253. So whatever it is that I have said here today...

254. The point is that we are here to honor

255. our most generous benefactor,

256. and newest freshman,

257. the man who's made it possible for us to break ground here today,

258. Mr. Thornton Melon.

259. Dean Martin, great speech. Nothing like good, clean business, huh?

260. And a little monkey business!

261. Ah, Philip! I'm so glad you could make it.

262. Mr. Melon, I'd like you to meet Dr. Philip Barbay,

263. I want it on record that I'm totally against this.

264. I don't think that selling admission to an unqualified student

265. is very ethical or honorable.

266. Oh, right, Phil, but I'd just like to say in all fairness to Mr. Melon,

267. it was a really big check.

268. It's a simple matter of this man

269. undermining the efforts of our legitimate students,

270. - who are here as a result of hard work. - Hard work?

271. Listen, Sherlock, while you were tucked away working on your ethics,

272. I was busting my hump in the real world.

273. Guys like you got a place to teach 'cause guys like me donate buildings.

274. I wasn't speaking to you, Mr. Melon.

275. I don't think Dr. Barbay understands the actual amounts involved here.

276. Mr. Melon, will you take the ceremonial shovel?

277. - Thank you. - And dig into the symbolic verge.

278. I hereby dedicate this building to...

279. myself!

280. Dad, it's like we talked about. Sign up for whatever interests you.

281. We got to get in the astronomy line before it closes.

282. Hi!

283. Look at this. This is worse than the track.

284. - Want me to move some people? - No, this is college.

285. - Let me think. - What are you gonna do?

286. Come on, I got an idea.

287. - Did you get everything? - I got the Latin, and the Sanskrit.

288. But they cancelled Ancient Greek, blew my dead languages motif.

289. What are you looking at?

290. - Oh. - Yeah.

291. Oh!

292. You OK?

293. Yeah.

294. Yeah, I'm fine.

295. - I'm upset because they closed Botany. - Those bastards.

296. Well, I'm not that upset.

297. Well, I won't be if I get into Astronomy.

298. You wanna cut in the line with us? We're waiting.

299. - Yes, yes, I would. - Great. All right.

300. This is Derek.

301. - Hi.

302. - I'm Valerie Desmond. - Yeah, I know.

303. I'm Jason... Melon.

304. - Hi. - Hi.

305. - Hi, Valerie. - Hi.

306. - God, you look great. - Thanks.

307. Are you taking Astronomy too?

308. I guess. I don't want to. I'm a Business major.

309. - Mm-hm. - But they want us to take a science.

310. - Do you mind if I sneak in line? - Oh...

311. Actually, these guys were nice enough to let me in, so it's up to them.

312. Melon, buddy. What do you say? Let me in, OK?

313. I don't think so, Osbourne!

314. Melon, your friend. Straighten him out.

315. Chas, there's a lot of people waiting. It wouldn't be fair.

316. If you got a note from each and every one of these people

317. saying it was all right,

318. then we'd reconsider.

319. But until that day, take a hike, you elitist fraternity scumbag.

320. I won't forget this, Melon.

321. - I'll see you at the pool. Bye. - Bye.

322. Thank you. I'm dead.

323. You're not gonna believe this. Come on! I'm not kidding!

324. Where is he?

325. I don't know. I'm supposed to pick him up here.

326. - When? - Now!

327. Come on, let's register.

328. - You guys got everything you need? - We got it.

329. - Why used books? - What's wrong with used books?

330. - They've been read. - Yeah, and underlined, get it?

331. The last guy could have been a maniac.

332. Hey, get these guys some new books.

333. Charge me. Pick a card.

334. Then I'll take a four school sweaters, a bunch of pennants,

335. some of those beer mugs, a few of these fuzzballs you cheer with.

336. Hey, folks, it's on me! Shakespeare for everyone.

337. You too, honey. I'd like to tame your shrew!

338. - Who is that? - That is Mr. Thornton Melon.

339. The world's oldest living freshman.

340. And the walking epitome of the decline of education.

341. The clod thinks he can buy his way out of the gutter.

342. - He was just having fun. - Oh, really?

343. I can't wait to get him in my class.

344. - We'll see how much fun he is. - Oh, Philip.

345. Hey, Mr. M. You're all set. We've been working all night.

346. Thanks, Buzzy, I appreciate it.

347. Add a few hundred to the bill. Throw a party.

348. You know what you got, Mr. Melon? You got class.

349. It rubbed off from you, Buzzy. Say hello to Sonia for me.

350. Hey, I want to talk to you about my schedule. We'll go over it later.

351. - Well, boys, what do you think?

352. A hot tub!

353. How can you study if you're not relaxed?

354. - When's our first class? - Economics tomorrow at eleven.

355. I got a massage at eleven. Tell them to make it two o'clock.

356. No, Dad, you don't get it.

357. They're not gonna reschedule classes around your massage.

358. All right. But I'm gonna talk to that Dean.

359. These classes could be a real inconvenience.

360. All right, settle down, people.

361. We've got a lot to cover, and time is short.

362. There are two kinds of people in business, the quick and the dead.

363. So rather than waste your time this semester

364. we're jumping in with both feet

365. and create a fictional company from the ground up.

366. We'll construct our physical plant,

367. we'll set up an efficient administrative and executive structure,

368. then we'll manufacture our product and market it.

369. I think you'll find it interesting and fun.

370. So let's start by looking at construction costs of our new factory.

371. What's the product?

372. That is immaterial for the purposes of our discussion

373. but if it makes you happy, let's say we're making tape recorders.

374. Tape recorders, are you kidding?

375. The Japs will kill us on the labor costs.

376. OK, fine.

377. Then let's just say they're widgets.

378. - What's a widget? - It's a fictional product.

379. It doesn't matter.

380. - Tell that to the bank. - Take it easy. It's the first day.

381. On the board, you see a cost analysis for construction

382. of a 30,000-square-foot facility

383. which will encompass factory and office space

384. and is serviced by all utilities, a railroad spur line

385. and a four-bay shipping dock.

386. Hold on. Why build?

387. Better to lease at a buck and a half a square foot.

388. Take a down payment and put it into CDs

389. or something you can roll over.

390. Thank you, Mr. Melon.

391. We'll be concentrating on finance a little later in the term.

392. For the time being, let's just concentrate on the construction figures.

393. The bottom line requires the factoring in of

394. not just the material and construction costs

395. but also the architect's fees and the cost of land servicing.

396. Oh, you left out a bunch of stuff.

397. Oh, really? Like what, for instance?

398. First of all, you've got to grease the local politicians

399. for the sudden zoning problems that always come up.

400. Then there's kickbacks to the carpenters.

401. If you plan on using cement, the Teamsters will want a chat,

402. and that will cost you.

403. And don't forget something for the building inspectors.

404. Then there's the long-term costs, such as waste disposal.

405. Are you familiar with who runs that business? It's not the boy scouts.

406. That's enough, Mr. Melon.

407. Maybe bribes, kickbacks and mafia pay-offs are how you do business,

408. but they are not part of the legitimate business world

409. and certainly are not part of anything I am teaching in this class.

410. Do I make myself clear?

411. Sorry, just trying to help.

412. Now, notwithstanding Mr. Melon's input,

413. the next question for us is where to build our factory.

414. - How about Fantasyland?

415. - My first class. I did good, huh? - You'd better cool it with Dr. Barbay.

416. Dr. Barbay don't know dick. He tells it like it ain't.

417. You know what he can do? Flunk you.

418. Flunk me? Flunk him.

419. Great attitude. Do you know where your next class is?

420. Contemporary American History. Professor Terguson.

421. - Terguson? - You know him? Is he good?

422. Well, he's committed. In fact, I think he was.

423. Just keep your head down and your mouth shut.

424. Welcome... to Contemporary American History.

425. I'm Professor Terguson.

426. A lot of people think history is just facts,

427. it's just information about the past.

428. But not me.

429. I hold history very sacred. Sacred.

430. The way the farmer holds the earth sacred.

431. The way a Christian holds the Bible sacred.

432. The way people hold their marriage sacred.

433. That's how I feel about it.

434. So let's dive right in by interpreting one of the easiest events

435. in the last 20 years of American history.

436. Can someone tell me why, in 1975,

437. we pulled our troops out of Vietnam?

438. The failure of Vietnamization to win popular support

439. caused an ongoing erosion of confidence in the various American

440. but illegal Saigon regimes.

441. Is she right?

442. That's the popular version of what went on.

443. A lot of people believe that. I wish I could, but I was there.

444. I wasn't in a classroom, hoping I was right, thinking about it,

445. I was up to my knees in rice paddies, with guns,

446. going up against Charlie, slugging it out with him

447. while pussies like you were back here partying,

448. putting headbands on, doing drugs, listening to Beatle albums.

449. Professor, take it easy, will you?

450. These kids, they were in grade school at the time, and me...

451. I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover.

452. Well, I didn't know you wanted to

453. get involved with the discussion, Mr. Helper.

454. Since you want to help, maybe you can help me.

455. Remember that thing we had 30 years ago called the Korean Conflict?

456. Yeah? Where we failed to achieve victory?

457. How come we didn't cross the 38th parallel

458. and push those rice-eaters back to the Great Wall of China

459. and take it apart brick by brick and nuke them back into the Stone Age?

460. How come? Why? Say it! Say it!

461. All right. I'll say it.

462. 'Cause Truman was too much of a wimp to let MacArthur go in there

463. and blow out those commie bastards!

464. Good answer. Good answer.

465. I like the way you think.

466. I'm gonna be watching you.

467. He's a good teacher. He really seems to care.

468. About what, I have no idea.

469. He was all right.

470. Buddy, be my guest. Here's a pen.

471. Boys, here's some pens in case you learn how to write.

472. - I know you. - Yeah? Here's a pen.

473. You do those obnoxious commercials.

474. You're Tall & Fat!

475. You're short and ugly. Give me the pen back.

476. Honey, here's a pen.

477. Boys, how are you?

478. "And Gibraltar is a girl for I was a flower of the mountain

479. Yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used

480. Shall I wear red yes

481. And he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I thought

482. Well as well him as another

483. And then I ask him with my eyes to ask again yes

484. And then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower

485. And first I put my arms around his

486. And drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfumed yes

487. And his heart was going like mad and yes I said, yes I will, yes."

488. Yes! Yes!

489. Thanks for the vote of confidence. I think Joyce is pretty hot too.

490. Now I have your attention, I'll run down the reading list.

491. See what else turns you on.

492. What a woman!

493. Dad, she is the teacher.

494. I like teachers. Do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

495. Shouldn't you take some notes?

496. Yeah, yeah.

497. I gave away all my pens.

498. I'm sorry, I need this back.

499. Here's a calendar for you.

500. - Hi. - Hello, Mr. Melon.

501. - Are you waiting for me? - Yes.

502. I'm only a freshman, but why don't we have dinner tonight?

503. We can talk about Joyce. She's my favorite writer.

504. You're not the usual freshman, but I can't.

505. I'm sort of going with someone.

506. - Where are you going? - That's a good question.

507. I'd like to join you, but I have class tonight.

508. How about tomorrow?

509. I have class then too.

510. Why don't you call me sometime when you have no class?

511. All right. Maybe I will.

512. Hello, Philip.

513. What did he want?

514. Oh, what do all men want?

515. You to dress up as Wonder Woman,

516. tie him up and force him to tell the truth?

517. No, just dinner, Philip.

518. Are you jealous of Thornton Melon?

519. Certainly not.

520. I've been doing a great deal of thinking.

521. I've been thinking... about us.

522. - And? - And I think...

523. we should start thinking about forming a...

524. well, a...

525. - A merger? - A merger, exactly. A merger.

526. A partnership.

527. Seriously, Diane. We're both educated, intelligent adults.

528. We should be together.

529. Incorporated, if you will.

530. Look at the balance sheet. We were made for one another.

531. Philip, darling.

532. I don't want to be merged or incorporated.

533. I want to have fun and be romanced and loved.

534. So let's not rush into anything. Let's just start by having fun, OK?

535. Hey, how are ya? What's happening?

536. A lot of people are talking about your dad.

537. What's happening?

538. Hey, boys! How are you doing?

539. I wonder why.

540. Um... they have lockers. You could have changed here.

541. I don't change in front of guys. Next, you're showering with them.

542. And next, you're pinned to a sophomore named Chip.

543. - Come on, let's go. - I'll see you later.

544. That was pretty good.

545. Next time, hold the pike a little longer.

546. Wait a minute. I'll be right down.

547. Not bad.

548. All right. Let's see one more.

549. - Like I showed you. - All right, got it.

550. What's a guy your age doing with these kids?

551. I'm looking for the fountain of middle age.

552. What's your story?

553. I'm setting a new record for the most consecutive losses by a diving coach.

554. Remember, hold that pike longer.

555. - He your kid? - Yeah.

556. - Who coached him in high school? - Yours truly.

557. Where did you learn diving?

558. Atlantic City. Steel Pier. I was in a water show.

559. - I used to open for the Diving Horse. - You're kidding. I'm from Jersey.

560. I spent my life on that pier growing up.

561. There was a guy did the most amazing dive, called the Triple Lindy.

562. Hardest dive I ever saw. Who was that?

563. - Yours truly. - You're kidding.

564. I don't joke about dives. Especially that. It almost killed me.

565. Boy, you were something else.

566. - Can your kid do that dive? - Nobody can. It's too dangerous.

567. He tried out for the team last semester. He wasn't that good.

568. Not that good, huh? Watch this.

569. Jason, do the two and a half.

570. - Not bad.

571. My man Melon. Come on, there's a pep rally for the football team.

572. What is this?

573. Me, Standish and Redding, we're doing an anti-pep rally.

574. Violent ground acquisition games such as football is, in fact,

575. a crypto-fascist metaphor for nuclear war.

576. It sounds like a lot of laughs but I'm supposed to meet my dad and study.

577. Well, if you change your mind, pal, you know where to find me.

578. If I change my mind, I'll seek psychiatric help.

579. Excuse me. What is the Oort system, and what does it tell us?

580. Uh... What? I'm sorry.

581. Astronomy, chapter two.

582. Oh, Oort. Oort.

583. Oort was this scientist

584. and he figured out that the smeared-out density of matter

585. can be no greater than the solar mass per cubic parsec...

586. You look thrilled. It's not my theory.

587. Thanks. That helps a lot.

588. Listen, I was just wondering.

589. Would you do my Astronomy homework for the rest of the semester?

590. There you go.

591. Hi, Mr. Melon.

592. Call me Thornton.

593. How about joining me and my friend over there?

594. Your friend looks a little strange.

595. Who, Lou? Lou's an animal.

596. In his family, he's only the second generation to stand up straight.

597. What lovely girls. How would you like a life of luxury and deceit?

598. - Come on, join us in a beer, OK? - OK.

599. OK.

600. Girls, this is Lou. Lou, these are girls.

601. Two! One, two!

602. Wow!

603. Honey, come here. Two more glasses for the girls.

604. Bring a pitcher of beer every seven minutes till somebody passes out

605. and then bring one every ten minutes. Right?

606. You know, I thought we were just gonna go to the planetarium and look at stars.

607. I had no idea this was gonna be astrophysics.

608. It's not that hard. You'll get it.

609. It's not hard for you, because you're smart.

610. You're smart too.

611. Yeah, but you're smart smart. Do you study at the library every night?

612. No, I was meeting Dad there, but he's at the dorm.

613. Lower, baby, lower.

614. Hey, guys, let me see some ID.

615. Whoo, not that low, baby!

616. To the left, baby, to the left...

617. That's the spot, baby, hold it, hold it. Oh, you are there!

618. OK, buddy.

619. Jason, what are you doing here?

620. Whoa, what am I doing? What are you doing?

621. - We were supposed to study. - The library. I know.

622. Hey.

623. Chas, check it out.

624. Hey, Clarke. Interesting little rally you guys had tonight.

625. Yeah, right. They got paint on my girlfriend.

626. - I'm gonna kill them pinheads. - Yeah?

627. Well, you came to the right place. Guess who's here? Derek Lutz.

628. Hey, Lutz!

629. - You know who I am? - Um...

630. Let's see. Protruding supra-orbital ridges,

631. small cranium, uh, 1300cc brain...

632. Hmm. Neanderthal man.

633. You. Call his mother. Tell her he's never coming home.

634. You sure you got the right guy? Lots of people got blue hair now.

635. - Shut up, meathead. - Take it easy.

636. War's over. You can get new parts for your head.

637. Yeah? Wanna make something of it?

638. No, I never get physical. I just get upset.

639. And when I get upset, he gets physical.

640. You got a problem?

641. - No, I haven't got a problem. - Now you do.

642. Kill him!

643. Lou, where you been? I'm getting my ass kicked all over the place.

644. - Well, you look terrible. - I'm all right.

645. It's Lou I'm worried about. He may lose his trigger finger.

646. Why did you take on the whole football team?

647. They're not that tough. The team at my high school were tough.

648. After they sacked the quarterback, they went after his family.

649. This morning, we're looking at The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald.

650. Mr. Melon, how would you characterize the Great Gatsby?

651. - Who, him? - No, you.

652. Me? Well, the Great Gatsby, he was uh...

653. - Great.

654. See me after class, Mr. Melon.

655. Please, try to understand. I don't have the background.

656. My high school, to prove the law of gravity,

657. a kid threw the teacher out the window.

658. I know what I need. I need a tutor.

659. Hey, what do you say? Come on, you got some spare time.

660. All right, Mr. Melon, I have some spare time this evening.

661. Come round about seven.

662. - Great. - I'll give you my address.

663. - Thanks. - Please be on time.

664. I'll be on time.

665. What penmanship.

666. "Everywhere the ceremony of innocence is drowned.

667. The best lack all conviction while the worst are full of passionate intensity."

668. There's a lot of other stuff here.

669. Yeats goes on and on and here's the finish.

670. "What rough beast, its hour come round at last

671. slouches toward Bethlehem to be born?"

672. - What did that make you think of? - Rough beast. My ex-wife.

673. It's one interpretation. Not the right one, but a start.

674. Surely a man of your age must have read some of the things on my list.

675. Macbeth?

676. I saw the movie. Orson Welles. Great actor. Big actor.

677. He was a Tall & Fat customer.

678. - Cat On A Hot Tin Roof? - I saw the movie.

679. Burl lves. Great actor. Extra stout. Another customer.

680. - A Streetcar Named Desire. - Great movie. Marlon Brando.

681. He wasn't that big then, but he ballooned up nicely.

682. I'd say pound for pound our finest American actor.

683. - Don't you ever read? - Read? Who has time?

684. I see the movie. In two hours.

685. The reason you read these works is so you can experience them for yourself.

686. So you can share the thoughts of the writer

687. without the interference of your actor, director and professor's point of view.

688. You truly share and understand the common feelings of all mankind.

689. The feelings of being alive.

690. That was beautiful. I understand what you're saying, too.

691. I'm glad. It makes me feel good.

692. I've got an idea. Let's keep talking over dinner.

693. I'm supposed to meet someone for dinner.

694. I could cancel, though. We are working after all.

695. You can't work on an empty stomach.

696. You can't concentrate if you're hungry.

697. I really shouldn't. I have so many things to do.

698. I'll help you. I'll take out the garbage, do the dishes.

699. I'll do your nails, your hair. You've no idea what I wanna do.

700. - I'll call him. - I'll dial it.

701. - Let me get the light. - I think I'm attracted to teachers.

702. I took out an English teacher, but I sent her a love letter

703. - and she corrected it.

704. Oh, great. Company.

705. - Those two ought to get a room. - Really.

706. Actually, I was married twice.

707. My first wife, Jason's mother, I really loved.

708. We had a good thing going.

709. She passed away about ten years ago.

710. After that, I screwed around for a few years.

711. Then I went nuts. I married Vanessa.

712. I was lonely, I guess.

713. - Is that over? - We were doomed from the start.

714. I'm an earth sign, she's a water sign. Together we made mud.

715. I picked a beauty. She played around, too.

716. When she said, "I do", I should have said, "With who?"

717. - So are you giving up on women? - I can't figure women out.

718. Today, they're independent, only think about themselves.

719. During sex, Vanessa screamed out her own name.

720. I think men are different.

721. The women's movement made men want to show you how sensitive they are.

722. Before, they were too macho. Now they're too soft.

723. You all want us to know you can cry.

724. With women, I never cry, never.

725. - I beg.

726. If we finish this bottle of wine, you won't have to beg.

727. Diane!

728. - Oh! Oh, Philip. - We were supposed to go to dinner.

729. I just had dinner.

730. I don't believe this.

731. Maybe it's a dream. Good night, Philip.

732. Do a good job. What do you charge for big cars?

733. I had a lot of fun, Thornton.

734. Me too.

735. And thanks for the lesson. I learned a lot.

736. You're welcome.

737. I did, too.

738. Well, uh...

739. Well, I guess this is good night.

740. Yeah.

741. A very good night.

742. Beautiful. Oh.

743. That's it, that's the spot. Just keep doing that.

744. Oh, don't lose it. Oh, oh!

745. Oh, Lou, you're great. The leg is better. You got the cramp out.

746. You're a wreck. You got to start working out.

747. And you know what else. You have got mid-terms coming up.

748. You haven't studied since you got here.

749. You're always so neat. You're just like your uncle Vito.

750. As kids, his room was always in order,

751. towels lined up, hair lotions in the right place.

752. What is he today? An attendant in a men's room.

753. Hey! He's my idol.

754. But... I'm not going to be folding towels any more.

755. 'Cause I just made - ta-da! - The diving team.

756. The di... That's great! Hey! Gee...

757. I'm taking you out. We're having a party.

758. No, Dad. That's really nice, but I'm in training.

759. We got a meet coming up against Northern.

760. We'll have a party after the meet.

761. Dad, why don't you join me on a little reality break?

762. Being in love with Dr. Turner does not mean you're gonna pass her course.

763. You've got a major paper on Kurt Vonnegut and you haven't read the books.

764. - I tried.

765. I don't understand a word of it.

766. So how are you gonna write the paper then?

767. Hi. I'm Kurt Vonnegut. I'm looking for Thornton Melon.

768. Uh... you wanna come in? Dad?

769. D-O-G. Dog.

770. One more word out of you and it's back to the tree.

771. - Come in.

772. Excuse me. Dr. Barazini? I'm Thornton Melon.

773. Oh, yes. Thornton Melon. I know you.

774. You delivered the paper on isomagnetic brain waves at Montreal last year.

775. No. I sold you your pants.

776. Of course. Good to see you. What are you doing here?

777. I have to report here for my lab project.

778. Oh, good.

779. I'm trying to teach these apes how to read and write.

780. Teach 'em to go to the bathroom first.

781. Oh, you'll get used to that.

782. Now, all you have to do

783. is put a new tape in the tape machine every hour

784. and observe the animals.

785. I'll be back in a few hours to check on you.

786. Fine. See you later.

787. You don't need this. I'll find you an organ-grinder.

788. Hi, Marge. Few things. I need you all down here as fast as you can.

789. And Peterson, the accountant, I need him too.

790. Oh, thanks. And Marge, I need...

791. See if you can get somebody at the Rand Corporation

792. to come down here for about a week.

793. What?

794. Russell hits him with a powerful body slap.

795. No problem. They're taking a break, that's all.

796. In 1971, the United States accumulated deficit

797. greater than the supply of gold the country held.

798. In that year, Richard Nixon took the United States off the gold standard.

799. - In doing so, he disrupted...

800. the entire international monetary system.

801. What is that clicking noise?

802. Are you a student in this class?

803. - Uh, no.

804. Who are you?

805. - I'm Marge Sweetwater.

806. Mr. Thornton Melon's private secretary.

807. What are you doing here?

808. Ooh. I'm taking notes for Mr. Melon.

809. He told you to write down everything I said?

810. Yes, he did.

811. Good.

812. Take this down.

813. Mr. Melon, no matter what you do,

814. no matter what stunts you pull,

815. no matter how hard you try,

816. you will never, ever pass this course.

817. Make sure he gets that.

818. Yes, sir.

819. I'll tell you what, it's for Barbay. Make it an A.

820. Where's the lab report on psychology? Oh, thank you.

821. It's too light. It feels like a C.

822. Bulk it up and add a few multi-colored graphs.

823. - Yo, Dad. - Jason, hold it, will ya?

824. Everybody, let's see As across the board.

825. A ten-percent bonus for every grade over B.

826. - A plus gets you a free trip to Hawaii. - Ooh!

827. - Off season.

828. Dad, what's going on here?

829. - I'm doing my homework. - No, they're doing your homework.

830. Jason, a good executive knows how to delegate authority.

831. Here, I took care of you too.

832. - What's this? - Your Astronomy report.

833. - What's wrong with you? - What's wrong with you?

834. I'm gonna write that paper.

835. That's why I'm taking Astronomy, to learn something.

836. You'll never learn a goddamn thing if people do your work for you.

837. Kids. They always do things the hard way.

838. Ladies and gentlemen,

839. the visiting team, Northern University Wildcats.

840. And your Grand Lakes University Hooters!

841. Hey, there's your boy.

842. Jason!

843. Valerie, how are you doing?

844. I'm glad you've come. My dad is having a little party tonight over at the dorm.

845. It should be great. His parties usually are.

846. I'd love to come.

847. Except I have a date.

848. Uh, well, bring him along. That's OK. You can both come by.

849. - I'll try. - Good. I hope I'll see you there.

850. Sounds fun. I wish my dad were like yours.

851. Hey, Chas.

852. - Good luck, buddy. Let's get them. - Yeah.

853. Thanks, Melon. I'd wish you luck too but I guess you don't need luck.

854. - What do you mean? - With your old man behind you,

855. since he bought your way onto the team, he probably bought off the judges too.

856. Oh, there's Thornton.

857. Diane!

858. I can't imagine what you can possibly see in that man.

859. Philip, would you excuse me for a minute?

860. Yes, yes!

861. - You look great. - Thanks.

862. Where've you been? I made dates with your answering machine.

863. Sorry I missed you. I've been busy reading mid-term papers, grading exams.

864. - Read mine? - No, but I look forward to it.

865. I'm throwing a party tonight, and you'd better be there.

866. Oh, I'm sorry, I've a date with Philip tonight.

867. Bring him along. We may run out of ice.

868. First diver for Grand Lakes University, Chas Osbourne.

869. Hey, Coach. How are you?

870. Next diver for Grand Lakes, Jason Delon.

871. Melon.

872. What's up? This is always the best party of the year.

873. Some big event at the dorms. We're thinking of going.

874. - To Melon's? Are you nuts? - Why don't we go?

875. - Valerie, please, it'll be horrible. - Jason said it would be great.

876. Jason's a twerp. We could have won if it weren't for him.

877. - Haven't you ever messed up? - No.

878. Ooh! Hey, ooh! Hey, baby!

879. I love three girls at once!

880. I fall asleep, they have each other to talk to.

881. Nice look. What are you going for, the heavily disassociated artist thing,

882. or the "I'm going blind" thing?

883. Huh? Oh, it's the deaf thing.

884. This will cheer you up.

885. Ooh, do me!

886. Derek, get up. You look like the poster boy for birth control.

887. Jason, it's a party. What's your story?

888. What's the matter, the swim meet?

889. Forget about it, it's history.

890. Jason, come on. Snap into it!

891. You're right. It doesn't matter, Dad. What do you say? Come on!

892. Hey, buddy!

893. Everybody make some noise, have some fun!

894. - What's that noise? - It's a party. Mid-terms, remember?

895. They're just blowing off steam.

896. You there!

897. What's going on?

898. The Melon man's throwing the greatest party of all time.

899. The whole world is there.

900. It's the best thing ever to happen to me!

901. Oh, God!

902. Look at that! Listen to that racket. This is disgraceful.

903. - I should phone Security. - Oh, Philip.

904. Good. Apparently I'm not the only one around here with a sense of decency.

905. Did you see? Where are you going?

906. Intellectual curiosity. It sounds fun. Come with me.

907. - Oh, please! - Oh, Philip!

908. - Say when! - Right after this drink.

909. Hey, what's a bath without bubbles?

910. Hey, Bubbles, come over here!

911. Well...

912. - Oh, hi there.

913. - What's your favorite subject? - Poetry.

914. Really? Well, maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow.

915. Excuse me, have you seen Thornton Melon?

916. - Uh, I think he's in there. - Great.

917. Excuse me, has anyone seen Thornton Melon?

918. Now that's what I call marine biology!

919. Diane.

920. Say hello to my nieces.

921. Wait a minute!

922. Jason?

923. I was looking all over for you.

924. Jason, are you OK?

925. I'm sorry about the swim meet.

926. Shit.

927. The swim meet.

928. Think I care about the swim meet?

929. It's just a stupid college game. It's just bullshit.

930. Why are you acting like this?

931. - I know you don't think like that. - You do?

932. Grow up, Valerie. You think this is real?

933. College is a dream world, something to pass the time

934. until you can start buying people.

935. Let's go for a walk and talk this out.

936. There you are.

937. Can we go? I'm bored.

938. Christ, will you get your ass outta here?

939. Oh, another shit-faced Melon.

940. Shall I knock your teeth down your throat?

941. Easy, Melon. Your father isn't here to back you up this time.

942. Don't!

943. Are you OK?

944. Jason, I was looking for ya.

945. Hey, come here! Where are you going?

946. Where am I going?

947. I'm leaving school. One of us has to go and you're having a great time.

948. Why? I don't get it.

949. - Because you didn't win the meet? - Not because I didn't win.

950. Because Chas told me you bribed the coach to put me on the team.

951. What, and you believed him?

952. I've never lied to you. I didn't bribe the coach.

953. You're on the team because you deserve it.

954. Dad, you don't get it. Everything I have is because of you.

955. Because of you, I get my Astronomy homework done by NASA.

956. I just want the best for you. That's all I ever wanted.

957. I did it all for you.

958. I know, but you don't know when to quit.

959. I know you came to help and I appreciate it.

960. It's really sweet and it's really not working.

961. - Let me do something for myself! - I just want to see you happy.

962. Well, take a good look.

963. 'Cause I was a lot happier when I was miserable.

964. - I enjoyed reading that, Susan. - Thanks.

965. Diane, why did you fail me?

966. I didn't, Thornton, you failed me.

967. - Was it because of last night? - No.

968. I accept the fact that you're completely regressed emotionally.

969. But you won't pass my course by turning in someone else's work.

970. - You think someone else wrote this? - I know you didn't.

971. That's what disappoints me.

972. And whoever did write it has no idea about Kurt Vonnegut.

973. And another thing, Vonnegut, I'm gonna stop payment on the check.

974. What's that? Fuck me?

975. Hey, Kurt, do you read lips? Fuck you!

976. - Next time I'll call Robert Ludlum.

977. Derek, have you seen Jason?

978. I think he's on a three-state killing spree.

979. Here's some more potentially bad news. Dean Martin wants you in his office.

980. Dean Martin?

981. And she said, "Let's do it, the room's already paid for!"

982. Oh, golly.

983. I'm afraid we have a potentially unpleasant situation here.

984. Phil, would you repeat to Mr. Melon the allegations that you've made to me?

985. The work you handed in is not your own.

986. I'm accusing you of academic fraud.

987. Fraud is such an ugly word.

988. Considering the financial generosity Mr. Melon has shown

989. towards our fine university.

990. I think Mr. Melon should be expelled.

991. What are you going to do about it?

992. Well... Thornton, I'm only going to ask you this one time,

993. is the work that you turned in your own?

994. I can't lie to you, Dean Martin.

995. Yes, it is.

996. I'm satisfied.

997. - Phil? - I'm outraged.

998. Gee whizz, Phil, I just asked Melon if the work was his and he said yes.

999. Now, what do you want me to do, torture him?

1000. I suggest a comprehensive oral examination

1001. conducted by all of Mr. Melon's professors.

1002. - Oral examination? - Yes.

1003. If you've done the work you say you have,

1004. there should be no problem. Should there?

1005. Hey.

1006. - Jase. - Hey, Lou, how are you doing?

1007. Come here, I want to tell you something.

1008. You were pretty hard on your father last night.

1009. I know, but he doesn't understand.

1010. I've known your pop 30 years. He understands.

1011. He's a nice guy. And he's tough, like me.

1012. I'm nice, and I'm tough.

1013. Huh? I'll give you an idea what I mean.

1014. My two boys, I put one through college and the other I put through a wall.

1015. Your papa loves you, eh?

1016. He's looking out for you.

1017. Look out for him.

1018. OK.

1019. Hey.

1020. What's going on?

1021. I'm leaving. I'm sorry, Jason. This college thing was a big mistake.

1022. - So you're gonna give up? - I can't win.

1023. They want me to take orals in all subjects.

1024. If I don't, they'll kick me out.

1025. And if I take them, who knows where they'll kick me?

1026. Remember what you told me when I told you I wanted to quit?

1027. You said a man without an education is nothing.

1028. - I can't do it, Jason. - You can do anything.

1029. You can do anything you want in life. Remember, you're a Melon.

1030. Don't quit. I'll help you.

1031. Before we begin,

1032. I would like to thank each and every professor here

1033. for taking time out of his/her extremely busy schedules.

1034. And a special thanks of course to Mr. Thornton Melon

1035. who I do not have to remind anyone

1036. is the donor of our new Melon School of Business.

1037. We're wasting time.

1038. Sorry, Phil.

1039. Mr. Melon, you'll have three hours to complete the examination.

1040. If you fail any part of it, you will be expelled.

1041. Mr. Melon, do you understand?

1042. - The Council of Trent! - Excuse me?

1043. - I missed a question. - We haven't begun yet.

1044. Oh.

1045. Well, Dr. Barbay, I suppose you're up first.

1046. I have only one question

1047. for Mr. Melon.

1048. In 27 parts.

1049. - I'd like to break him in 27 parts. - Excuse me?

1050. Oh, nothing, nothing.

1051. Discuss the foundations of modern global business systems.

1052. Part one. Define and differentiate

1053. the three economic philosophies of capitalism, socialism and communism

1054. as pertains to a) management fundamentals,

1055. b) organizing and staffing,

1056. c) labor management,

1057. and d) production and operations.

1058. Part two.

1059. - Are you getting all this, Mr. Melon? - Yeah, it's a piece of cake.

1060. Jason?

1061. Valerie.

1062. I wanted to apologize for the other night

1063. for my behavior, the things I said.

1064. And to thank you for your behavior and the things you said.

1065. Really sorry.

1066. And I'm in love with you and have been for ages

1067. and I can't believe I'm saying this.

1068. And I don't wanna... embarrass you

1069. or make you feel uncomfortable with me

1070. but, uh...

1071. I've been needing to tell you this for a very long time.

1072. Um...

1073. Are you aware that that's the most you've ever said to me at one time?

1074. Oh, except for the time when you were ravingly drunk.

1075. I love you too.

1076. In response to Roman numeral 27,

1077. section three, part two of subset D,

1078. of the question,

1079. the answer is...

1080. Mr. Melon?

1081. - Mr. Melon? - Hey, hey, relax.

1082. This man's under a lot of pressure. Let's take it easy.

1083. Say it! Say it!

1084. The answer is... four.

1085. Right.

1086. Dr. Turner?

1087. Hold it. That's it. I can't take it no more.

1088. I feel like I just gave birth.

1089. To an accountant.

1090. Wait a minute, Thornton.

1091. Thornton, do you remember when we discussed the Dylan Thomas poem,

1092. Do not Go Gentle into that Good Night?

1093. I don't know. No.

1094. - Maybe. - Thornton, think.

1095. What's going on here?

1096. Philip, relax. It's my turn.

1097. Do you remember it?

1098. "Do not go gentle into...

1099. into that good night,

1100. Old age should burn and rage

1101. at... at close of day;

1102. Rage... rage against the dying of the light.

1103. Wild men who court and sang the sun in flight,

1104. And learned, too late, they grieved it on its way,

1105. Do not go gentle to that good night."

1106. "Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight,

1107. Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,

1108. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

1109. And you, my father,

1110. there on the sad height,

1111. Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears I pray.

1112. Do not go gentle into that good night

1113. Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

1114. Thornton, what does that poem mean to you?

1115. It means... I don't take shit from no one.

1116. I'm gonna pass this test. I'm staying in school. Who's next?

1117. Now diving for the Atlantic Eastern Seagulls,

1118. current conference champion, Doug Nelson.

1119. What do you almost never see?

1120. Somebody heckling a diver.

1121. - All right, kid.

1122. [PA] Please refrain from making loud noises during the dives.

1123. Next up for the Atlantic Eastern Seagulls

1124. Bill Steincap.

1125. [PA] That concludes Atlantic Eastern's ten-meter dives.

1126. Next up, Grand Lakes Hooters.

1127. [PA] I'd like to remind you that tickets to all Grand Lakes sporting events

1128. are available from the student services office.

1129. Were you interested in Valerie Desmond?

1130. She's with me.

1131. Coming into your own, are you, Melon?

1132. I wouldn't break my arm patting myself on the back.

1133. Because get this, towel boy. No matter what you think,

1134. you will always be a crude, obnoxious, nouveau-riche little fleeb.

1135. You'll end up like your father.

1136. God, I hope so. 'Cause I love the guy.

1137. [PA] First up for Grand Lakes University,

1138. Chas Osbourne,

1139. former national high school champion.

1140. There he is.

1141. Jason dive yet?

1142. - No. Did you pass? - They're letting me know.

1143. [PA] Now diving for Grand Lakes University,

1144. Jason Melon.

1145. Attaboy, Jason, you did it!

1146. Can you believe it? We could win.

1147. [PA] Melon's dive has put the Hooters back in this meet.

1148. - Ow! - What's the matter?

1149. You're up next, Chas.

1150. I have got a really bad cramp. I've been having cramps all week.

1151. - It's probably menstrual. - Screw you, Melon.

1152. Coach Turnbull, you got another eligible diver?

1153. Melon!

1154. Melon, we need ya!

1155. Get your suit on!

1156. Go ahead.

1157. The shape I'm in, you could donate my body to science fiction.

1158. Get your suit on. We need ya!

1159. Come on, pal. Show them what you got.

1160. Melon! We need ya!

1161. [PA] Now diving in substitution for Grand Lakes University,

1162. Thornton Melon!

1163. He... He's on my substitute roster, but I don't have it right now.

1164. But what I'll do, first chance I get,

1165. I'll bring it to you.

1166. - What dive is he gonna do? - The Triple Lindy.

1167. Melon! Melon! Melon! Melon!

1168. Melon! Melon! Melon! Melon!

1169. Melon! Melon! Melon!

1170. [PA] There will be an additional spring board installed

1171. for Melon's dive,

1172. - the Triple Lindy. - Is that hard?

1173. It's impossible.

1174. You did it!

1175. - That was great. - Told you!

1176. Oh, you were great! That was incredible.

1177. I guess there's nothing you can't do.

1178. I've got the results of your exams.

1179. - Do I wanna hear them? - You passed. All Ds.

1180. And an A.

1181. - Who gave me the A? - I did.

1182. I would like to introduce our speaker.

1183. This is the first time in the history of this fine institution

1184. that a freshman has given this address.

1185. - Mr. Thornton Melon.

1186. Thank you very much. Thank you, Dean Martin,

1187. President Sinclair, and members of the graduating class.

1188. I have only one thing to say to you.

1189. It's a jungle out there. You gotta look out for number one.

1190. But don't step in number two.

1191. And so, to all you graduates, as you go out into the world,

1192. my advice to you is

1193. don't go!

1194. It's rough out there. Move back with your parents.

1195. Let them worry about it.