1. Houston, this is Condor.Copy !req
2. We are doing an EVA of the payload.Copy !req
3. We are about to present
the module with—Copy !req
4. What the...?Copy !req
5. Oh, my gentle Jesus!Copy !req
6. Houston, we have a problem.Copy !req
7. Launch procedure commence.Copy !req
8. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
9. Oh, yes! Yes! Oh!Copy !req
10. And I'm spent. Whoo.Copy !req
11. - Do you smoke after sex?
- I don't know, baby. I never looked.Copy !req
12. - Whoo!
- Oh, Austin.Copy !req
13. - What shall we do now?
- Well, I've got an idea.Copy !req
14. - Why don't we shag?
- Again?Copy !req
15. Sure, baby. We're only up to chapter 11
in the Kamasutra.Copy !req
16. Don't you wanna try the Wheelbarrow
or the Praying Donkey...Copy !req
17. or the Chinese Shag Swing?Copy !req
18. I'm gonna get us some more champagne,
Jungle Boy.Copy !req
19. I'm gonna get us some more champagne,
Jungle Boy.Copy !req
20. Are you okay?Copy !req
21. I've never felt better, Austin.Copy !req
22. All right, then.Copy !req
23. I'm just gonna go watch a movie.Copy !req
24. Hey, In Like Flint.
That's my favorite movie.Copy !req
25. Vanessa, what's going on?Copy !req
26. I don't know what you mean, Austin.
I'm the same—Copy !req
27. You must—Copy !req
28. Oh, my God!Copy !req
29. Vanessa!Copy !req
30. You're a Fembot!Copy !req
31. No shit, Sherlock.Copy !req
32. Machine-gun jubblies?Copy !req
33. How did I miss those, baby?Copy !req
34. Perhaps next time
you should try foreplay.Copy !req
35. Right. Oh, my God.Copy !req
36. DR.
Here's your wedding present, Mr. Powers.Copy !req
37. A kamikaze bride from me, Dr. Evil.Copy !req
38. Oh, thank God.Copy !req
39. I can't believe Vanessa...Copy !req
40. my bride...Copy !req
41. my one true love...Copy !req
42. the woman who taught me
the beauty of monogamy...Copy !req
43. was a Fembot all along.Copy !req
44. Wait a tick. That means I'm single again.Copy !req
45. Oh, behave!Copy !req
46. Yeah!Copy !req
47. Yeah, baby, yeah!Copy !req
48. Halt!Copy !req
49. Disgusting.Copy !req
50. Yeah, baby, yeah!Copy !req
51. Ooh.Copy !req
52. Yeah.Copy !req
53. Hey, how are you? Good to see you.Copy !req
54. Good. Hey. Yeah.Copy !req
55. Revolting.Copy !req
56. What's that? What's that? Oh.Copy !req
57. Yes. Yeah, that looks good on you, man!Copy !req
58. Hey, what's going on?
Good to see you guys.Copy !req
59. Yes. Good to see you.Copy !req
60. Yeah.Copy !req
61. Rabbis, how are you? Nice meat.
Yes, nice meat.Copy !req
62. Photo op.Copy !req
63. Yeah, baby.Copy !req
64. Keep a close eye on
that Kreplachistan situation.Copy !req
65. Sir.Copy !req
66. Jerry, Jerry.Copy !req
67. Okay. Thank you. Thank you very much.Copy !req
68. If you justjoined us, today's topic is:Copy !req
69. "My father is evil
and he wants to take over the world."Copy !req
70. Okay, let's meet Scott Evil.Copy !req
71. - Hi, Scott. Nice to have you with us.
- Thanks, Jerry.Copy !req
72. Tell us about your father.Copy !req
73. Well, my dad is the head
of a worldwide evil organization...Copy !req
74. with aspirations of world domination.Copy !req
75. Wow, pretty serious stuff.
Where is he now?Copy !req
76. He's, like, cryogenically frozen,
orbiting the Earth or something.Copy !req
77. That's what you think.Copy !req
78. But we have a surprise for you, Scott.Copy !req
79. Okay, let's bring out Scott's father,
Dr. Evil.Copy !req
80. What? I didn't— What?Copy !req
81. General, we've got a situation here.Copy !req
82. What is it, sergeant?Copy !req
83. DR.
Hello, Scott.Copy !req
84. Daddy's back.Copy !req
85. How could you do this to me?
On national television.Copy !req
86. DR. Well, throw me a fricking bone
here, Scott.Copy !req
87. Why'd you run out on me?Copy !req
88. Because you're not quite evil enough.Copy !req
89. Well, it's true.Copy !req
90. You're quasi-evil.Copy !req
91. You're semi-evil.Copy !req
92. You're the margarine of evil.Copy !req
93. You're the Diet Coke of evil.Copy !req
94. Just one calorie. Not evil enough.Copy !req
95. What are you? Some kind of freak?Copy !req
96. - Hey, shut up, ****off!
- Okay. Okay, come on.Copy !req
97. - I'll kick your ***, punk!
- Bring it on, you skanky *****.Copy !req
98. DR.
All right, all right. Come on.Copy !req
99. No one talks to my son like that.
It's okay.Copy !req
100. You mother******* piece of ****!Copy !req
101. Yeah, ****! I'll kick your ***,
you ****ing ****sucker!Copy !req
102. You piece of ****!Copy !req
103. You were born in your mother's ****,
you **********.Copy !req
104. Jerry, Jerry.
DR.I'm okay.Copy !req
105. I'm okay.Copy !req
106. All right, you were born
in your mother's ******* *******!Copy !req
107. - I'll ****ing kill you!
- I'll kill you both!Copy !req
108. DR.
There you go. Great.Copy !req
109. There you go, I got your hood!
I got your hood!Copy !req
110. Settle down. Okay, settle down.
It's okay. Okay, okay.Copy !req
111. It's only a television show. Calm down.Copy !req
112. - Okay, I'm all right. I'm easy.
- Okay. Everything okay?Copy !req
113. - Get this jerk out of here.
- I'll give you a **** piece of ****--Copy !req
114. You mother******.Copy !req
115. He's biting me!Copy !req
116. He's biting me! The ****er's biting me!Copy !req
117. Give me that! The world is mine!Copy !req
118. The world is mine, you *******!Copy !req
119. Chh. Ah.Copy !req
120. You've got mail.
Hello, Basil.Copy !req
121. Hello, Austin. How was your honeymoon?Copy !req
122. Well, it turns out
that Vanessa was a Fembot.Copy !req
123. Yes, we knew all along, sadly.Copy !req
124. Anyway, I have a new assignment
for you, Austin.Copy !req
125. You're scheduled for a photo shoot...Copy !req
126. and one of the models
works for Dr. Evil.Copy !req
127. Groovy, baby!Copy !req
128. Shaguar, ho!Copy !req
129. Show me to the models, baby.Copy !req
130. Let the magic begin.Copy !req
131. Who have we got today? Okay, great.Copy !req
132. Austin, I've heard a lot about you.Copy !req
133. I'm Rebecca Romijn.
I don't believe I've had the pleasure.Copy !req
134. Well, of course you haven't had
the pleasure, Rebecca.Copy !req
135. We just met, baby, yeah.Copy !req
136. Who are you, baby?Copy !req
137. Ivana.Copy !req
138. Ivana Humpalot.Copy !req
139. Excuse me?Copy !req
140. Ivana Humpalot.Copy !req
141. And "Ivana" toilet made out of gold,
but it's just not in the cards, now, is it?Copy !req
142. You know.Copy !req
143. Okay, everyone. Let's get started.Copy !req
144. Yes! Beautiful! Feeling it!Copy !req
145. Let's get some smiles. It's all in here.
That's it. Yes.Copy !req
146. Let's let the inside out.Copy !req
147. Okay, you're an animal!Copy !req
148. Yes! There we go! You're a tiger!Copy !req
149. You're Tony the Tiger!Copy !req
150. You're great!Copy !req
151. Very good. Loving it.
Now you're a lemur.Copy !req
152. Running as a pack. Yes, yes. We go left.Copy !req
153. We go right. Yes, yes, yes.Copy !req
154. There's a predator out in the jungle.
What's going on?Copy !req
155. Burrow! Burrow!Copy !req
156. You're a lemur! It's all you've got!Copy !req
157. You don't have sharp teeth
capable of biting.Copy !req
158. Make interconnected tunnels
like the Vietcong.Copy !req
159. And look! Look, look!Copy !req
160. I'm not even shooting you. It's crazy.Copy !req
161. And I'm spent.Copy !req
162. Right, that's a wrap, everyone.Copy !req
163. Miss Humpalot.Copy !req
164. Da, darling?Copy !req
165. - Shall we?
- Give me moment.Copy !req
166. Dr. Evil...Copy !req
167. several years ago, we invested
in a small, Seattle-based coffee company.Copy !req
168. Today, Starbucks
offers premium-quality coffee...Copy !req
169. at affordable prices.Copy !req
170. Delish.Copy !req
171. Dr. Evil...Copy !req
172. if we shift our resources away
from evil empires and toward Starbucks...Copy !req
173. we can increase our profits fivefold.Copy !req
174. Number Two, I make the decisions here,
okay?Copy !req
175. I demand a little respect.Copy !req
176. Dr. Evil, you have a little of the—Copy !req
177. Silence!Copy !req
178. I will not tolerate your insolence!Copy !req
179. Frau Farbissina.Copy !req
180. How are things?Copy !req
181. I have come to embrace the love
that dare not speak its name.Copy !req
182. To my right is my lover.Copy !req
183. We met at the LPGA tour.Copy !req
184. Her name is Unibrau.Copy !req
185. Right on.Copy !req
186. Welcome, Unibrau.Copy !req
187. Doctor, you...Copy !req
188. - What?
- You have a little...Copy !req
189. milk nose mustache.Copy !req
190. I know. I know, I know.Copy !req
191. Meant to. It's how we drink it in Belgium.Copy !req
192. It's called a Belgian Dip.Copy !req
193. Dr. Evil, while you were frozen...Copy !req
194. we began a program to clone you.Copy !req
195. - Cool.
- Send in the clone!Copy !req
196. He is exactly like you in every way...Copy !req
197. except one-eighth your size.Copy !req
198. DR.
Breathtaking.Copy !req
199. I shall call him...Copy !req
200. Mini-Me.Copy !req
201. Your stock is rising, Number Two.Copy !req
202. Come, Mr. Bigglesworth.Copy !req
203. Mini-Me, are you hungry?Copy !req
204. Something to eat?Copy !req
205. Not even a Hot Pocket?Copy !req
206. An Eggo?Copy !req
207. No. No, we don't gnaw on our kitty.Copy !req
208. Leave— No.Copy !req
209. Leave Mini-Mr. Bigglesworth alone.Copy !req
210. Just love him and stroke him.Copy !req
211. As you know, every diabolical scheme
that I've hatched...Copy !req
212. has been thwarted by Austin Powers.Copy !req
213. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen?Copy !req
214. You never kill him when you get the chance,
and you're a dope?Copy !req
215. No, no, no.Copy !req
216. No, no.Copy !req
217. Down. Down, Mini-Me.Copy !req
218. No. Austin Powers always defeats me
because he has mojo.Copy !req
219. Mojo?Copy !req
220. Mojo.Copy !req
221. The libido, the life force,
the essence, the right stuff.Copy !req
222. What the French call a certain...Copy !req
223. I don't know what.Copy !req
224. Ladies and gentlemen...Copy !req
225. I've developed a device
for traveling through time which I call...Copy !req
226. a "time machine."Copy !req
227. Using this "time machine"...Copy !req
228. I'm going to go back to the '60s
and steal Austin Powers' mojo.Copy !req
229. If you have a time machine...Copy !req
230. why not just go back and kill Austin
when he's sitting on the crapper?Copy !req
231. How about no, Scott, okay?Copy !req
232. Why not use your knowledge of the future
to play the stock market?Copy !req
233. We could make trillions.Copy !req
234. Why make trillions when we could make...Copy !req
235. billions?Copy !req
236. A trillion is more than a billion, numbnuts.Copy !req
237. All right, zip it.Copy !req
238. - You can't even—
- Zip it!Copy !req
239. Zip.Copy !req
240. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
ex-"zip it" A.Copy !req
241. - Number Two, would you please—?
- Look, I'm Zippy Longstocking.Copy !req
242. When a problem comes along
You must zip itCopy !req
243. Zip it goodCopy !req
244. Frau, would you—?Copy !req
245. Zip it.Copy !req
246. - I'm just trying—
- Zip!Copy !req
247. Would you like to have
a suckle of my zipple?Copy !req
248. - I want you— Stop—
- Zip! Eh.Copy !req
249. - Zip it! Zip it!
- This—Copy !req
250. You know—Copy !req
251. You're like a child.Copy !req
252. Talking— If you— Just— One time—Copy !req
253. Zip it. Unveil the time portal.Copy !req
254. As you know...Copy !req
255. Austin Powers was frozen in 1967.Copy !req
256. Therefore, I will travel to 1969...Copy !req
257. two years after he was frozen.Copy !req
258. He'll be helpless.Copy !req
259. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm about
to travel through time. I bid you adieu.Copy !req
260. I'm okay. I'm okay.Copy !req
261. Not turned on, I suppose. Yeah.Copy !req
262. Do you think you could...?Copy !req
263. Yeah, thanks.Copy !req
264. Come, Mini-Me!Copy !req
265. Don't be scared, Mini-Me.Copy !req
266. Ah.Copy !req
267. Dr. Evil. Welcome to 1969.Copy !req
268. Thank you, Number Two.Copy !req
269. You look so healthy and youthful.Copy !req
270. Well, thank you.Copy !req
271. - Heil, doctor.
- And Frau, you look so...Copy !req
272. Right.Copy !req
273. You know, Dr. Evil, I received your memo
from the future.Copy !req
274. Your new lair is up and running.Copy !req
275. Is it a hollowed-out volcano,
like I asked for?Copy !req
276. Of course.Copy !req
277. DR.
Good.Copy !req
278. Then it's all going perfectly to plan.Copy !req
279. Yeah, baby, yeah!Copy !req
280. When did you get the clapper?Copy !req
281. November, 1964.
Dutch East Indies, shore leave.Copy !req
282. Do you know how we keep warm
in Russia?Copy !req
283. I can guess, baby.Copy !req
284. We play chess.Copy !req
285. I guessed wrong.Copy !req
286. It takes a keen intellect to play chess,
Mr. Powers.Copy !req
287. I assume you know how to play.Copy !req
288. Of course, baby.Copy !req
289. What to do, what to do.Copy !req
290. Let me ask you a question.Copy !req
291. And be honest.Copy !req
292. Do I make you horny, baby?Copy !req
293. Do I?Copy !req
294. Do I make you randy?Copy !req
295. Yeah?Copy !req
296. No more games.Copy !req
297. Dr. Evil sent me here to kill you...Copy !req
298. but I find you so...Copy !req
299. - Sexy and...
- Yes. Yes.Copy !req
300. Just make love to me.Copy !req
301. Now, Austin Powerovich. Hurry.Copy !req
302. You are hairy, like animal!Copy !req
303. Grr, baby. Very grr.Copy !req
304. Make love to me, monkey man.Copy !req
305. Dr. Evil, I don't understand how
we can hope to steal Austin Powers' mojo.Copy !req
306. We've tried this before.Copy !req
307. The security around Powers is foolproof.Copy !req
308. Ah, but this time we have an operative
inside the Ministry of Defense.Copy !req
309. Really?Copy !req
310. Yes, really.Copy !req
311. He's stealing Austin Powers' mojo
even as we speak.Copy !req
312. Really?Copy !req
313. Really.Copy !req
314. He's a disgruntled Scottish guard...Copy !req
315. known for his lethal temper
and his unusual eating habits.Copy !req
316. He weighs a metric ton.Copy !req
317. His name:Copy !req
318. Fat Bastard.Copy !req
319. We've had reports there's a spy
in the Ministry of Defense.Copy !req
320. The contents of this room
are vital to the country.Copy !req
321. Be on special alert.Copy !req
322. Yes, sir!Copy !req
323. And try to lose some weight,
for God's sake.Copy !req
324. Yes, sir!Copy !req
325. Mr. English Colonel,
telling me to lose weight.Copy !req
326. Oh, I'm a hard case, he says.Copy !req
327. Well, listen up, sonny Jim, I ate a baby!Copy !req
328. Oh, aye.Copy !req
329. The other Other White Meat.Copy !req
330. It's what's for dinner.Copy !req
331. Oh, I've got your mojo now, sonny Jim!Copy !req
332. - What's wrong?
- Crikey!Copy !req
333. I've lost my mojo.Copy !req
334. Austin, the test results confirm
that you've lost your mojo.Copy !req
335. And it couldn't come at a worse time.Copy !req
336. We have evidence that Dr. Evil
has developed a time machine...Copy !req
337. and has traveled back to the year 1969.Copy !req
338. Luckily, we too have developed
a time-travel device...Copy !req
339. to transport you back to the '60s.Copy !req
340. This is where you input your destination.Copy !req
341. Wait a tick.
Basil, if I travel back to 1969...Copy !req
342. and I was frozen in 1967...Copy !req
343. presumably,
I could go visit my frozen self.Copy !req
344. But if I'm still frozen in 1967...Copy !req
345. how could I have been unthawed
in the '90s and traveled—Copy !req
346. Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed.Copy !req
347. I suggest you don't worry about
this sort of thing and just enjoy yourself.Copy !req
348. - That goes for you all too.
- Yes.Copy !req
349. This is smashing, Basil.Copy !req
350. I'll go back to the '60s, recharge my mojo,
defeat Dr. Evil and be back in time for tea.Copy !req
351. Swinging '60s, here I come, baby, yeah!Copy !req
352. Move! Move!Copy !req
353. Move!Copy !req
354. No, Austin, no! No!Copy !req
355. Sorry.Copy !req
356. - I bet that's expensive.
- Quite all right.Copy !req
357. Oh, sorry, here we go.
Yes, yes.Copy !req
358. - Almost.
- Sorry!Copy !req
359. Easy, easy.Copy !req
360. God damn barrels, Austin.Copy !req
361. Yeah, see, here we go, here we go.
All right.Copy !req
362. Yeah, baby, yeah!Copy !req
363. Godspeed, Austin Powers.Copy !req
364. I'm home.Copy !req
365. Austin Powers!Copy !req
366. - Austin Powers?
- Yes.Copy !req
367. I'm back in the '60s, baby, yeah!Copy !req
368. Yeah, all right, there you are.Copy !req
369. Yeah!Copy !req
370. Hey, hey, hey.
Get your hands off my heinie, baby.Copy !req
371. Who are you today, baby?Copy !req
372. My name is Robin Swallows.Copy !req
373. Swallows. That's an interesting name.Copy !req
374. Maiden name is Spitz.Copy !req
375. Well, which is it, baby?
Spitz or Swallows?Copy !req
376. Those are skintight.
How do you get into those pants, baby?Copy !req
377. You can start by buying me a drink.Copy !req
378. Hm. Nuh-uh-uh-uh.Copy !req
379. I want. I want.Copy !req
380. You better play it cool.
Your friend works for Dr. Evil.Copy !req
381. And just who do you work for, baby?Copy !req
382. Tell me, Mr. Powers.Copy !req
383. Do you swing?Copy !req
384. Are you kidding, baby?Copy !req
385. I put the "grr" in "swinger," baby!Copy !req
386. Then why don't you come right...Copy !req
387. over... here.Copy !req
388. Okay, I could do that.Copy !req
389. Easy.Copy !req
390. Cheeky.Copy !req
391. Prepare to die, Powers!Copy !req
392. Use the machine gun!Copy !req
393. Say goodbye, Powers!Copy !req
394. Use the bazooka!Copy !req
395. No!Copy !req
396. No!Copy !req
397. The fall will kill us both, Powers!Copy !req
398. You can't win, Powers.Copy !req
399. Why won't you die?Copy !req
400. Care for a ride?Copy !req
401. Go! Go! Go!Copy !req
402. Go!Copy !req
403. Austin Powers, I presume.Copy !req
404. Powers by name...Copy !req
405. Powers by reputation.Copy !req
406. Felicity Shagwell, CIA.Copy !req
407. Shagwell by name,
Shag-very-well by reputation.Copy !req
408. Oh, behave.Copy !req
409. Not if I can help it.Copy !req
410. Yes. Ooh.Copy !req
411. You know what's remarkable...Copy !req
412. is how much England looks
in no way like southern California.Copy !req
413. Crikey!Copy !req
414. We've got company.
It looks like one of Dr. Evil's assassins.Copy !req
415. Steady now. Steady.Copy !req
416. Hands up.Copy !req
417. Do you remember me, Austin Powers?Copy !req
418. I don't recall your name,
but your fez is familiar.Copy !req
419. My name is Mustafa.Copy !req
420. And I'm the man
who will be killing you now.Copy !req
421. Who sent you?Copy !req
422. You'll have to kill me.Copy !req
423. Who sent you?Copy !req
424. Kiss my ass, Powers.Copy !req
425. Who sent you?Copy !req
426. Dr. Evil.Copy !req
427. - That was easy.
- That was easy.Copy !req
428. Why did you tell us?Copy !req
429. I can't stand to be asked
the same question three times.Copy !req
430. It just irritates me.Copy !req
431. Where is Dr. Evil hiding?Copy !req
432. Why would he tell me?
I'm just one of his low-level functionaries.Copy !req
433. - Where is Dr. Evil hiding?
- You'll have to torture me. I'll never tell.Copy !req
434. - Where's Dr. Evil hiding?
- Damn. Three times.Copy !req
435. He's hiding in the secret volcano lair.Copy !req
436. Where's Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?Copy !req
437. I spit at that question!Copy !req
438. Do I really have to ask you
two more times?Copy !req
439. Go to hell, Powers.Copy !req
440. Fine.Copy !req
441. Where is Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?Copy !req
442. - I will take it to the grave with me!
- Aha!Copy !req
443. You have to answer.
He asked three times.Copy !req
444. No, no, no.Copy !req
445. The second question was, "Do I
really have to ask you two more times?"Copy !req
446. That would be the first question
in a new line of questioning...Copy !req
447. and wouldn't count
in the other line of questioning.Copy !req
448. Yeah, he's right.Copy !req
449. I'm just trying
to get information from you.Copy !req
450. I don't need any consistency
in the questions, do I?Copy !req
451. No, no. You're preaching
to the converted. I— Uh!Copy !req
452. Well, if I'm preaching to the converted...Copy !req
453. why are you being so slavish
to the three-question form?Copy !req
454. You're not even looking at me, man.
Now you're just being rude.Copy !req
455. You're not listening, man.Copy !req
456. Oh, crikey.Copy !req
457. Well, Austin, I think this time
you may have finally met your match.Copy !req
458. Oh, no, baby.Copy !req
459. I've beaten Dr. Evil before,
and I'll beat him again.Copy !req
460. I was talking about me.Copy !req
461. Yeah.Copy !req
462. Hello, up there.
I seem to have fallen down a cliff.Copy !req
463. I'm still alive, but I'm very badly injured.Copy !req
464. I think my legs might be broken,
but I'll try to stand up.Copy !req
465. Yes, they are broken.Copy !req
466. Perhaps you could toss me a Band-Aid
or some antibacterial cream.Copy !req
467. I'm in an extraordinarily large
amount of pain.Copy !req
468. The bone has gone through the skin.
I fear it might be gangrenous.Copy !req
469. The wound is beginning to smell
a little like almonds, which is not good.Copy !req
470. Please?Copy !req
471. No one?Copy !req
472. - Sorry.
- I'll try the other leg.Copy !req
473. Two of my assassins are dead.
I will not tolerate failure.Copy !req
474. I'm the man who will maintain
the dignity of this evil organization.Copy !req
475. What the hell was that?Copy !req
476. Volcanic eruption!Copy !req
477. May I present to you
my spy in the Ministry of Defense:Copy !req
478. Fat Bastard.Copy !req
479. First things first. Where's your shitter?Copy !req
480. I've got a turtle head poking out.Copy !req
481. Charming.Copy !req
482. I'm not kidding.Copy !req
483. I got a crap on deck
that could choke a donkey.Copy !req
484. It's squidgey.Copy !req
485. Christ, I'm getting all emotional from it,
you know?Copy !req
486. Right...Copy !req
487. Fat Bastard,
could I have my mojo, please?Copy !req
488. Where's my money?Copy !req
489. DR.
All right, give him his money.Copy !req
490. Jesus Christ, he's tiny.Copy !req
491. I've had bigger chunks of corn
in my crap.Copy !req
492. Wait a minute.Copy !req
493. He kind of looks like a baby.Copy !req
494. Come here, I'm gonna eat you!Copy !req
495. I'm bigger than you,
I'm higher on the food chain.Copy !req
496. Get in my belly!Copy !req
497. Come on!Copy !req
498. You're lucky, wee man!Copy !req
499. Can I have a hug?Copy !req
500. Dr. Evil.Copy !req
501. Let me make you a deal, all right?Copy !req
502. You get the mojo, you keep your money...Copy !req
503. and I'll get your baby.Copy !req
504. Right...Copy !req
505. I want my baby back, baby back,
baby back ribsCopy !req
506. I want my baby back, baby back,
baby back ribsCopy !req
507. Excuse me.Copy !req
508. Chili, baby back ribsCopy !req
509. Dr. Evil, what are we going
to do about Powers?Copy !req
510. Austin Powers
is no longer a threat to me.Copy !req
511. I have his mojo.Copy !req
512. All right, everyone. You're dismissed.Copy !req
513. Private time.Copy !req
514. Dr. Evil, I don't want
this to interfere with our work.Copy !req
515. Don't worry, mama.Copy !req
516. Things won't get weird.Copy !req
517. One for me.Copy !req
518. And one for my homeys.Copy !req
519. Herr Doctor.Copy !req
520. Hello.Copy !req
521. So, what happened here?Copy !req
522. Apparently a rogue agent
named Fat Bastard...Copy !req
523. infiltrated the unit
assigned to guard your chamber.Copy !req
524. He used some sort of nerve gas.
These men don't remember a thing.Copy !req
525. Captain, crosscheck Fat Bastard's profile
with the mainframe at Langley.Copy !req
526. - Yes, ma'am.
- Can I borrow that, please?Copy !req
527. Thank you. Yes, Austin, yes, yes.Copy !req
528. Look at me.
I'm a sexy bitch, baby, yeah.Copy !req
529. You're a Popsicle, yes.Copy !req
530. Yes. No! No!Copy !req
531. And I'm spent.Copy !req
532. Let's go, baby. Yeah!Copy !req
533. Hey there. How are you?Copy !req
534. Come on, Felicity, come on.Copy !req
535. Yeah, babe! Whoo!Copy !req
536. Yeah! Whoo!Copy !req
537. - Shall we sit down? Yeah.
- Yeah.Copy !req
538. - This is great.
- Groovy.Copy !req
539. So, Austin, what's the future like?Copy !req
540. Well, everyone has a flying car...Copy !req
541. entire meals come in pill form...Copy !req
542. and the Earth is ruled by
damned dirty apes!Copy !req
543. Oh, my God.Copy !req
544. Had you for a second.Copy !req
545. You can have me for even longer,
if you want.Copy !req
546. You're one groovy baby...Copy !req
547. baby.Copy !req
548. Too many "babys."Copy !req
549. Don't you dare move.Copy !req
550. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Burt Bacharach
and Mr. Elvis Costello.Copy !req
551. What do you get when you fall in love?Copy !req
552. A guy with a pin to burst your bubbleCopy !req
553. - Would you care to dance?
- I'd love to.Copy !req
554. That's what you get for all your troubleCopy !req
555. I'll never fall in love againCopy !req
556. I'll never fall in love againCopy !req
557. Don't tell me what it's all aboutCopy !req
558. Because I've been there
And I'm glad I'm outCopy !req
559. Out of those chains
Those chains that bind youCopy !req
560. - That is why I'm here to remind you
- Ooh!Copy !req
561. What do you get when you fall in loveCopy !req
562. You only get lies and pain and sorrowCopy !req
563. So for at least until tomorrowCopy !req
564. I'll never fall in love againCopy !req
565. I'll never fall in love againCopy !req
566. You're quite good on your feet.Copy !req
567. I'm even better off my feet.Copy !req
568. Oh, behave, baby.Copy !req
569. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
570. Hi there.Copy !req
571. - How are things?
- Good, Herr Doctor. And you?Copy !req
572. Great.Copy !req
573. Great.Copy !req
574. Just taking a break?Copy !req
575. Try the Hot Pockets.
They're breathtaking.Copy !req
576. - It got weird, didn't it?
- Yeah.Copy !req
577. I knew it.Copy !req
578. You haven't called.Copy !req
579. Look, we talked about this.Copy !req
580. We promised each other
it wouldn't get weird.Copy !req
581. I can't let my feelings for you
interfere with my taking over the world.Copy !req
582. You know that.Copy !req
583. You know, I will never love another man.Copy !req
584. Yes, that's true.Copy !req
585. Yeah.Copy !req
586. Dr. Evil, I'm late.Copy !req
587. - No, you got here right on time.
- No.Copy !req
588. I mean I'm late.Copy !req
589. Dad.Copy !req
590. Scott.Copy !req
591. Hey there, sport.Copy !req
592. What are you doing here?Copy !req
593. I was just thinking that maybe
we can work all this out.Copy !req
594. After all, you are my father.Copy !req
595. Scott, you had your chance, okay?Copy !req
596. I already had someone
created in my image.Copy !req
597. He's evil, he wants
to take over the world...Copy !req
598. and he fits easily
into most overhead storage bins.Copy !req
599. Him?
DR. Yes.Copy !req
600. Look at him. He's crazy.Copy !req
601. He's like a vicious little Chihuahua thing.Copy !req
602. He'll kill me the first chance he gets.Copy !req
603. Probably.Copy !req
604. I love you.Copy !req
605. I love you.Copy !req
606. I am a sexy bitch, yes.Copy !req
607. Felicity, make yourself at home, baby.Copy !req
608. What do you think of my shag pad,
darling?Copy !req
609. It's amazing, Austin.Copy !req
610. Wait a tick.Copy !req
611. That's how my mojo was stolen.
Fat Bastard.Copy !req
612. Uh-oh.Copy !req
613. She's a professional agent.
She's not interested in shagging.Copy !req
614. Please, God.
Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch.Copy !req
615. Austin, I'm waiting.Copy !req
616. How about one of
your world-famous massages?Copy !req
617. You mean a sensual massage?Copy !req
618. Right, then. Okay...Copy !req
619. Here we go. Yes.Copy !req
620. Yes.Copy !req
621. Oh, wait a minute.
Something's itching me.Copy !req
622. That's better.Copy !req
623. Crikey!Copy !req
624. How does that feel, baby?Copy !req
625. Lower.Copy !req
626. How does that feel, baby?Copy !req
627. What?Copy !req
628. You don't have to be cute with me.
We're way past that.Copy !req
629. We are?Copy !req
630. What do you think?Copy !req
631. Listen, Felicity...Copy !req
632. I'm sorry.Copy !req
633. I can't do this.Copy !req
634. I have to go.Copy !req
635. Is it me?Copy !req
636. I can't explain.Copy !req
637. Hello, Agent Shagwell. Where's Austin?Copy !req
638. I must've said something wrong,
so he just left all of a sudden.Copy !req
639. Listen, Felicity. I don't want you
getting too close to Austin.Copy !req
640. It's not meant to be.Copy !req
641. I don't get too close to anybody, Basil.Copy !req
642. - My interest is purely professional.
- Good.Copy !req
643. Then you won't mind tracking down
Fat Bastard tonight.Copy !req
644. No problem.Copy !req
645. We need you to plant this homing device
on him by any means necessary.Copy !req
646. No problem.Copy !req
647. Keep up the good work.Copy !req
648. Remember, by any means necessary.Copy !req
649. Look at yourself.Copy !req
650. You used to be so virile.Copy !req
651. You were a swinger, man.Copy !req
652. And now you're nothing.Copy !req
653. But at least it can't get any worse.Copy !req
654. Well, surprise, surprise, huh?Copy !req
655. Look at that meal.Copy !req
656. I'm dead sexy.Copy !req
657. Look at my sexy body.Copy !req
658. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
659. Oh, look, I'm like a singer.Copy !req
660. Sexy man, sexy manCopy !req
661. Eating like a sexy man canCopy !req
662. By the way...Copy !req
663. would you like some chicken?
I've got more.Copy !req
664. No, thanks.Copy !req
665. Let's see, what have we got here?
I'm done with that.Copy !req
666. All right.Copy !req
667. All right, then.Copy !req
668. I'll just put this down here.Copy !req
669. Remember, by any means necessary.Copy !req
670. Must've eaten them already.Copy !req
671. Ooh!Copy !req
672. Frisky, are we?Copy !req
673. - Give it up!
- Ah!Copy !req
674. Ladies and gentlemen, we're about to begin
phase two of our evil project.Copy !req
675. Or is it phase...? I don't know phases.Copy !req
676. Anyways, this is the phase in which
we put a giant "laser" on the moon.Copy !req
677. As you know, the moon rotates
around the Earth, like so:Copy !req
678. When the moon reaches
its appropriate lunar alignment...Copy !req
679. it will destroy Washington, D.C.Copy !req
680. You see, I've turned the moon
into what I like to call...Copy !req
681. a "death star."Copy !req
682. - What?
- Nothing, Darth.Copy !req
683. What did you call me?Copy !req
684. No, nothing. Rip-off!Copy !req
685. Bless you.Copy !req
686. Anyways, the key to this plan
is the giant laser.Copy !req
687. It was invented by the noted
Cambridge physicist Dr. Parsons.Copy !req
688. Therefore we shall call it
"the Alan Parsons Project."Copy !req
689. Oh, my God.Copy !req
690. What now?Copy !req
691. The Alan Parsons Project
is a progressive rock band in 1982.Copy !req
692. Why don't you just call it
"Operation Wang Chung," ass.Copy !req
693. - Well, what should we...?
- Nothing.Copy !req
694. I'm sure "Operation Bananarama"
will be huge.Copy !req
695. - What are you saying?
- If you—Copy !req
696. - Shh!
- Trying to be hip—Copy !req
697. Www.Ssh.com.Copy !req
698. - Dot-org.
- You're so—Copy !req
699. Dr. Evil, if we could put aside
the family squabbling for a moment...Copy !req
700. I think we can get down
to some serious business here.Copy !req
701. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
702. I don't like that insolent tone.Copy !req
703. I meant nothing by it.
DR.No, no.Copy !req
704. - You want to run things here? Is that it?
- No, not at all.Copy !req
705. You wanna be daddy?
Is that it, Number Two?Copy !req
706. You wanna wear the daddy pants?Copy !req
707. - Are you gonna cry? Are you gonna cry?
- I don't think so.Copy !req
708. - You gonna cry? You gonna cry?
- What are you—?Copy !req
709. Are you gonna squirt some?
Are you gonna cry?Copy !req
710. Yeah, see? You're gonna cry, huh?
You're a big man now, huh? Yeah.Copy !req
711. Thought so.Copy !req
712. Felicity.Copy !req
713. Austin.Copy !req
714. About what happened last night...Copy !req
715. - That's okay. You don't have to explain.
- No, no, no.Copy !req
716. You don't understand. You see...Copy !req
717. I've lost my mojo.Copy !req
718. - So that's why you...?
- Yes, yes.Copy !req
719. I thought you didn't like me.Copy !req
720. Oh, no, baby. You're very shagadelic.Copy !req
721. I just didn't wanna fall in love again...Copy !req
722. and I thought you'd never love me
without my mojo.Copy !req
723. It's not you. You're fab.Copy !req
724. You're switched on.
You're a bit of all right, yes.Copy !req
725. That is so great.
There's something I should tell you too.Copy !req
726. Last night, I planted a homing device
on Fat Bastard.Copy !req
727. Smashing, baby. Then we can track down
Fat Bastard, get my mojo...Copy !req
728. go back to my place, hop on
the good foot and do the bad thing.Copy !req
729. But there's more. In order to get close
to Fat Bastard, I had to—Copy !req
730. Oh! Hello, hello. The signal's coming
through. He's at Paddington Station.Copy !req
731. Let's go!Copy !req
732. We're close, baby.Copy !req
733. This way. Straight.
No, no, left. Through here.Copy !req
734. We've got him.
Private, bring up the ram.Copy !req
735. Go, go, go!Copy !req
736. Where is he?Copy !req
737. Oh, my God!Copy !req
738. Fat Bastard left a floater!Copy !req
739. In the name of all things sacred,
that is the most foul-smelling thing ever!Copy !req
740. Somebody flush it down.Copy !req
741. No, no. Nobody touch anything.Copy !req
742. We have to get this sample to the lab
to be analyzed.Copy !req
743. I'm gonna get it.Copy !req
744. Austin, there you are.
Has the sample been analyzed?Copy !req
745. Cor, baby.
You look very shagadelic, yeah.Copy !req
746. But do we really have to be here, Felicity?
I mean, it's so boring.Copy !req
747. I don't believe in science.Copy !req
748. When it comes to the spy game...Copy !req
749. to me, it's all instinct.Copy !req
750. - Hello, everybody.
- Hello, Basil.Copy !req
751. The results are in.Copy !req
752. We've discovered trace elements
of a rare vegetable...Copy !req
753. found only on one island,
here, in the Caribbean.Copy !req
754. Whoop-dee-doo!Copy !req
755. What does it all mean, Basil?Copy !req
756. It means that this is the location
of Dr. Evil's lair.Copy !req
757. Smashing, Basil.Copy !req
758. Cor.Copy !req
759. This coffee smells like shit.Copy !req
760. It is shit, Austin.Copy !req
761. Oh, good, then it's not just me.Copy !req
762. It's a bit nutty.Copy !req
763. Excuse me, Dr. Evil.Copy !req
764. I have to speak to you
about this Mini-Me.Copy !req
765. DR.
He's not fitting in?Copy !req
766. Is he giving off too much
of a creepy Oompa-Loompa vibe?Copy !req
767. No, it's just that...Copy !req
768. he bites.Copy !req
769. He's a biter.Copy !req
770. What's wrong, Mini-Me?Copy !req
771. Something you wanna tell us?Copy !req
772. Teething. Yeah.Copy !req
773. Get me the president
of the United States of America!Copy !req
774. - He's on, he's on.
- What do you want, Dr. Evil?Copy !req
775. Mr. President, in 12 hours...Copy !req
776. I will destroy Washington, D.C.
with this giant "laser."Copy !req
777. What the—? Jesus.Copy !req
778. DR.
Mini-Me.Copy !req
779. Stop humping the laser.Copy !req
780. Okay. Honest to God.Copy !req
781. Why don't you and the giant "laser"
get a fricking room, for God sakes?Copy !req
782. Mr. President.Copy !req
783. After I destroy Washington, D.C...Copy !req
784. I will destroy another major city
every hour, on the hour.Copy !req
785. That is, unless, of course, you pay me...Copy !req
786. one hundred billion dollars.Copy !req
787. Doctor Evil, this is 1969.Copy !req
788. That amount of money
doesn't even exist.Copy !req
789. That's like saying,
"I want a kajillion-bajillion dollars."Copy !req
790. Come on, Mr. President...Copy !req
791. show me the money.Copy !req
792. Show you what money?Copy !req
793. "Show me the money!
Show me the money!"Copy !req
794. "You had me at 'hello."' Tear.
Nothing? No?Copy !req
795. Psst. It's 1969.Copy !req
796. Jerry Maguire won't even come out
for another 30 years.Copy !req
797. Nobody knows
what you're talking about, ass.Copy !req
798. Scott, Daddy's working. Okay?Copy !req
799. And when you're in the main chamber,
try and use the big-boy voice, okay?Copy !req
800. Thank you.Copy !req
801. Mr. President, allow me to demonstrate...Copy !req
802. the awesome lethality
of the Alan Parsons Project.Copy !req
803. Fire the laser!Copy !req
804. Damage report! Damage report!Copy !req
805. It's okay. It's all right. Come on.Copy !req
806. Actually, that was just footage
from the movie Independence Day...Copy !req
807. but the real laser
would be a lot like that. Yeah.Copy !req
808. Scary.Copy !req
809. Now, Dr. Evil—Copy !req
810. Talk to the hand, because the face
don't want to hear it anymore.Copy !req
811. What hand? Talk to your hand?Copy !req
812. You ain't all that
and a bag of potato chips.Copy !req
813. What are you talking about?Copy !req
814. Don't go there, girlfriend. Mm-hm.Copy !req
815. Whose girlfriend?Copy !req
816. Don't mess with me. I'm one crazy mofo.Copy !req
817. I had to pop a cop because he
wasn't giving me my props in Oaktown.Copy !req
818. No? I heard that somewhere.Copy !req
819. You're an idiot.Copy !req
820. Mr. President,
I think we have an understanding.Copy !req
821. Bye-bye.Copy !req
822. Dr. Evil, what are our plans
regarding Austin Powers?Copy !req
823. Austin Powers?
He's the snake to my mongoose.Copy !req
824. Or the mongoose to my snake.Copy !req
825. Either way, it's bad.
I don't know animals.Copy !req
826. But I do know this:Copy !req
827. This time, it's personal.Copy !req
828. Kill him.Copy !req
829. There's Dr. Evil's island.Copy !req
830. Let's set up camp.Copy !req
831. Be careful with that bag.
There's explosives in it.Copy !req
832. This could be dangerous.Copy !req
833. What if God was one of usCopy !req
834. Just a slob like one of usCopy !req
835. Well done. Very good.Copy !req
836. Dr. Evil. That was fantastic.Copy !req
837. Thank you, Number Two.Copy !req
838. I wrote that. Yeah.Copy !req
839. Dad, he put this in my bed.Copy !req
840. - Who?
- Your stupid Mini-You.Copy !req
841. He put roadkill in my sheets!Copy !req
842. DR.
What—? Mini-Me.Copy !req
843. Don't you ever do that again!
You hear me?Copy !req
844. Don't you ever do that again!Copy !req
845. I can't stay mad at you.Copy !req
846. Look at that ponem.Copy !req
847. Dr. Evil's headquarters
is right over that next ridge.Copy !req
848. - Let me look.
- Yeah— Ugh!Copy !req
849. Damn it. How do we get in?Copy !req
850. Hello, Mommy.Copy !req
851. Mommy, can I have some chocolates?
I want some Mars Bars.Copy !req
852. - Austin. Austin!
- Don't smack my bottom, Mommy!Copy !req
853. Sorry, love.Copy !req
854. I got stuck in your dirty pillows.Copy !req
855. Let's look at the map.Copy !req
856. Oh, great.Copy !req
857. What's our plan?
According to this map...Copy !req
858. the entire island
is crawling with Dr. Evil's guards.Copy !req
859. I wanna make sure the explosives
didn't get wet, but I can't find them.Copy !req
860. Look in the bottom.Copy !req
861. Okay. I'll dig a little deeper.Copy !req
862. Wow, this bag is really full.Copy !req
863. Just keep digging, darling.Copy !req
864. I'll just feel around for them.Copy !req
865. Good Lord, Austin. What sort of things
do you keep in here?Copy !req
866. Anything that catches my fancy.
My God.Copy !req
867. Give it a good tug.Copy !req
868. Oh. Do we really need this?Copy !req
869. I'll ask you not to open that inside,
thank you very much, okay?Copy !req
870. Oh, my God.Copy !req
871. - Oops. It went off.
- Yes.Copy !req
872. It does that from time to time.Copy !req
873. Ugh! Yuck.Copy !req
874. Yeah, that's nasty.Copy !req
875. Yeah, sorry about that.Copy !req
876. Smelly.Copy !req
877. These people make me sick.Copy !req
878. Can you snap me a beer?Copy !req
879. Ah!
What is it?Copy !req
880. It's a gerbil.
How did that get in your bag?Copy !req
881. I don't know.Copy !req
882. Dr. Evil.Copy !req
883. We have a problem.
Austin Powers is on the island.Copy !req
884. Bring him to me...Copy !req
885. alive.Copy !req
886. You.Copy !req
887. Hit it!
This is a very sensitive subject.Copy !req
888. Yeah.Copy !req
889. From the moment I heard Frau
Say I had a cloneCopy !req
890. I knew that I'd be safe
'Cause I'd never be aloneCopy !req
891. An evil doctor shouldn't speak
Aloud about his feelingsCopy !req
892. My hurt and my pain
Don't make me too appealingCopy !req
893. I'd hoped Scott would look up to meCopy !req
894. Run the business of the familyCopy !req
895. Head an evil empire
Just like his dear old dadCopy !req
896. Give him my love
And the things I never hadCopy !req
897. Scott would think I was a cool guyCopy !req
898. Return the love I have
Make me want to cryCopy !req
899. Be evil but have my feelings tooCopy !req
900. Change my life with Oprah
And Maya AngelouCopy !req
901. But Scott rejected me
C'est la vieCopy !req
902. Life is cruel
Treat you unfairlyCopy !req
903. Even so
A God there must beCopy !req
904. Mini-Me, you complete meCopy !req
905. YeahCopy !req
906. Just me and youCopy !req
907. You and ICopy !req
908. You've got this packed really tight.Copy !req
909. Are you okay?Copy !req
910. Yeah, I just got a bit of a back cramp,
that's all.Copy !req
911. Just keep packing it in.Copy !req
912. God.Copy !req
913. I found the explosives.
Help me check them.Copy !req
914. You're surrounded!
Drop your weapons!Copy !req
915. Hands up!Copy !req
916. Move out!Copy !req
917. DR. Ladies and gentlemen,
in just a few moments...Copy !req
918. we're gonna place a giant "laser"
on the moon.Copy !req
919. From my "death star,"
I will destroy every city on the planet.Copy !req
920. Get out of it!Copy !req
921. Ah.Copy !req
922. Mr. Powers, Ms. Shagwell,
welcome to my hollowed-out volcano.Copy !req
923. This is my associate, Fat Bastard.Copy !req
924. Felicity, I think you two may
have already "met."Copy !req
925. Unfortunately.Copy !req
926. Oh, is that all the thanks I get
for the night of hot sex?Copy !req
927. I'm dead sexy.Copy !req
928. You were crap.Copy !req
929. Yes. In your dreams.Copy !req
930. Felicity would never sleep with you.Copy !req
931. Right?Copy !req
932. I did what I had to do. I'm a secret agent.Copy !req
933. What?Copy !req
934. Aw. Boo-hoo.Copy !req
935. All right, that's enough, Fat Bastard.Copy !req
936. As much as I like seeing Powers
in agony, and I do...Copy !req
937. the thought of you naked is just gross.Copy !req
938. You can't stop me now, Mr. Powers.Copy !req
939. I have your mojo.Copy !req
940. - My mojo...
- And I'm taking it with me to the moon.Copy !req
941. Put them in the jail cell!Copy !req
942. My mojo!
I'll get you, Dr. Evil, I'll get you!Copy !req
943. Oh, look at me,
I'm shaking in my little space boots.Copy !req
944. I want my mojo!Copy !req
945. - Give back my mojo! I'll get you, Dr. Evil.
- Great plan, Einstein.Copy !req
946. Well, you're gonna put them in a cell
with one inept guard and they'll escape.Copy !req
947. God, you do this every time.Copy !req
948. You know, Scott...Copy !req
949. I've been a fricking evil doctor...Copy !req
950. for 30 fricking years, okay?Copy !req
951. Cut me some fricking slack.Copy !req
952. You forget, Scott.Copy !req
953. We're in a volcano.Copy !req
954. We're surrounded by liquid-hot magma.Copy !req
955. What are you drawing?Copy !req
956. It's just a goodbye card, that's all.Copy !req
957. It's sweet.Copy !req
958. - DR. Hey, back off.
- Get him! Get the baby!Copy !req
959. - Back off!
- Simmer down. Simmer down.Copy !req
960. Get in there! Gnaw on him!Copy !req
961. He's my posse.Copy !req
962. Okay.Copy !req
963. You take special care of him.Copy !req
964. He's my special boy.Copy !req
965. Attention.Copy !req
966. Prepare for launch.Copy !req
967. Repeat, all technicians
to launch positions.Copy !req
968. Gentlemen...Copy !req
969. I'm about to go to the moon.Copy !req
970. Initiate prelaunch sequence.Copy !req
971. Main rocket engine ignition—Copy !req
972. Frau. Begin the countdown.Copy !req
973. Five! Four!Copy !req
974. - Three! Two—
- Frau.Copy !req
975. Begin the countdown at 30.Copy !req
976. Thirty!Copy !req
977. Twenty-nine, 28, 27...Copy !req
978. twenty-six, 25...Copy !req
979. twenty-four, 23...Copy !req
980. twenty-two, 21...Copy !req
981. twenty, 19...Copy !req
982. eighteen...Copy !req
983. seventeen, 16...Copy !req
984. fifteen, 14, 13—Copy !req
985. You know what?
When the doors close, just say "go." Better.Copy !req
986. Go!Copy !req
987. Colonel, you better take a look
at this radar.Copy !req
988. What is it, son?Copy !req
989. I don't know, sir,
but it looks like a giant—Copy !req
990. - Dick.
- Yeah?Copy !req
991. Take a look out of starboard.Copy !req
992. Oh, my God! It looks like a huge—Copy !req
993. - Pecker!
- Where?Copy !req
994. Wait, that's not a woodpecker.
It looks like someone's—Copy !req
995. Privates!Copy !req
996. We have reports
of an unidentified flying object!Copy !req
997. It is a long, smooth shaft,
complete with—Copy !req
998. Two balls!Copy !req
999. What is that?Copy !req
1000. That looks just like an enormous—Copy !req
1001. Wang! Pay attention.Copy !req
1002. I was distracted by that enormous flying—Copy !req
1003. - Willie.
- Yeah?Copy !req
1004. What's that?Copy !req
1005. Well, it looks like a giant—Copy !req
1006. - Johnson.
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
1007. Get on the horn to British intelligence
and let them know about this.Copy !req
1008. What do we do?Copy !req
1009. Why don't you just shag
Fat Bastard again?Copy !req
1010. Austin, this is no time to get jealous.Copy !req
1011. - Well, how could you do it?
- I was just doing my job.Copy !req
1012. No, I mean literally. How could you do it?Copy !req
1013. The man's so fat, the sheer mechanics
of it are mind-boggling.Copy !req
1014. Look, don't try to lay your hang-ups on me
just because you lost your mojo.Copy !req
1015. Ouch, baby.Copy !req
1016. Very ouch.Copy !req
1017. Look, Austin, we're running out of time.Copy !req
1018. I'm sorry.Copy !req
1019. I just did what I thought you would do
in the same situation.Copy !req
1020. You're the reason that I became a spy.Copy !req
1021. I thought that I wanted to be you...Copy !req
1022. but then I realized...Copy !req
1023. that I wanna be with you.Copy !req
1024. You do?Copy !req
1025. Yeah.Copy !req
1026. Hang on, baby.Copy !req
1027. Ally-oop!Copy !req
1028. Look, maybe we
should talk about this later.Copy !req
1029. We need to get past that inept guard.Copy !req
1030. Right. Here's the plan.Copy !req
1031. I pretend to be desperately ill
with food poisoning.Copy !req
1032. The guard, drawn by my cries of pain,
comes to investigate.Copy !req
1033. Meanwhile, you dig a pit...Copy !req
1034. line it with punji sticks
made from sharpened toothbrushes.Copy !req
1035. The guard falls in, Bob's your uncle,
we escape. What do you think?Copy !req
1036. That might work, but what about this?Copy !req
1037. - What do you think of these, my man?
- Mommy!Copy !req
1038. What a burn.Copy !req
1039. That sort of thing could get a man...Copy !req
1040. fired.Copy !req
1041. I think he was hot...Copy !req
1042. for you.Copy !req
1043. - That's enough.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1044. DR.
Ladies and gentlemen...Copy !req
1045. welcome to my moon base.Copy !req
1046. You've all been chosen
to be part of my elite moon unit...Copy !req
1047. which is divided into two divisions:Copy !req
1048. Moon Unit Alpha and Moon Unit Zappa.Copy !req
1049. In exactly six hours, the moon
will move in its orbit around the Earth...Copy !req
1050. bringing Washington, D.C...Copy !req
1051. within range of my giant "laser."Copy !req
1052. Begin "laser" ignition sequence.Copy !req
1053. Begin laser ignition!Copy !req
1054. Attention.
Moon Unit Zappa to firing stations.Copy !req
1055. Initiation sequence in progress.Copy !req
1056. Okay. All right.Copy !req
1057. Gravity boost to EMS.
Steady at full power.Copy !req
1058. All I asked for
was a fricking rotating chair, okay?Copy !req
1059. Oh, okay.Copy !req
1060. Okay, okay. Getting a little afraid.Copy !req
1061. I need an old priest and a young priest.Copy !req
1062. The power of Christ compels you!Copy !req
1063. The power of Christ compels you!
Whoa, hello.Copy !req
1064. Okay. Sick as a dog now.Copy !req
1065. - Okay. Okay.
- Get him a bucket.Copy !req
1066. Gonna vom.Copy !req
1067. We need to hitch a ride
to the moon, baby.Copy !req
1068. Apollo 11 is good to go.
Crew to all stations.Copy !req
1069. We will have liftoff
in T-minus five seconds. Four...Copy !req
1070. three... two...Copy !req
1071. We have liftoff!Copy !req
1072. Apollo 11 has cleared the tower
and is heading for...Copy !req
1073. a rendezvous with the moon.Copy !req
1074. Arm the "laser."Copy !req
1075. Arming the laser!Copy !req
1076. Attention, arming the death star.Copy !req
1077. - Battle stations.
- Laser armed!Copy !req
1078. All crew prepare for ready battle stations.Copy !req
1079. Get me the president.Copy !req
1080. You're gonna like this part, Mini-Me.Copy !req
1081. This is the part
where we threaten the world leader.Copy !req
1082. I know we do it every time.
However, it is important to—Copy !req
1083. Mini-Me?Copy !req
1084. Mini-Me, where are you?Copy !req
1085. Can someone put a fricking bell on him
or something?Copy !req
1086. Great.Copy !req
1087. Somebody get the stick.Copy !req
1088. Just grab on to the hook, all right?Copy !req
1089. You complete me.Copy !req
1090. I love you.Copy !req
1091. Hang in there, Mini-Me.Copy !req
1092. If anything should happen to you,
I don't know what I would do.Copy !req
1093. I'd probably move on
and get another replica...Copy !req
1094. but there'd be a 10-minute period there
when I would just be inconsolable.Copy !req
1095. We have your money, but it wasn't easy.Copy !req
1096. Papa has to do some work, okay?Copy !req
1097. Well, you have exactly 30 minutes
to get it to me.Copy !req
1098. Jiminy German Jesus!Copy !req
1099. I can't believe
we're gonna pay that madman.Copy !req
1100. I got nukes out the yin-yang.
Just let me launch one, for chrissake!Copy !req
1101. Sir! Are you suggesting
that we blow up the moon?Copy !req
1102. Would you miss it?Copy !req
1103. Would you miss it?Copy !req
1104. Mission control...Copy !req
1105. the swinger has landed, yeah.Copy !req
1106. Airlock open.Copy !req
1107. Repressurize.Copy !req
1108. - Let's find Dr. Evil.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1109. Enjoy your stay on the moon.Copy !req
1110. Hello, hello.Copy !req
1111. There he is.Copy !req
1112. - I'll cover your rear.
- No, you go ahead.Copy !req
1113. This time, it's personal.Copy !req
1114. No more! I can't take it anymore!Copy !req
1115. Peace?Copy !req
1116. You brought my glasses.
Bless your little heart.Copy !req
1117. That's not right, that's—Copy !req
1118. Oh, don't, that's just— Now I'm pissed!Copy !req
1119. Judo flip!Copy !req
1120. Poor little bugger.Copy !req
1121. He's so small.Copy !req
1122. He's like a dog or something.Copy !req
1123. Poor little bugger.Copy !req
1124. Get off! Off!Copy !req
1125. Okay.Copy !req
1126. Oh! Oh! Get out of my suit!Copy !req
1127. It tickles. Oh, it tickles. No.Copy !req
1128. Gotcha.Copy !req
1129. Poor little bugger.Copy !req
1130. I salute you.Copy !req
1131. All right, slap-head.Copy !req
1132. Turn around.Copy !req
1133. Where's my mojo?Copy !req
1134. Well, it looks like you have a choice,
Mr.Copy !req
1135. Save the world...Copy !req
1136. or save your girlfriend.Copy !req
1137. - Austin!
- Felicity!Copy !req
1138. Don't worry about me, Austin!Copy !req
1139. You've gotta save the world!Copy !req
1140. Kill him!Copy !req
1141. Fire the "laser"!Copy !req
1142. Target locking.Copy !req
1143. Laser set to full fatality.Copy !req
1144. Judo kick!Copy !req
1145. Target missed.
Mojo in trouble now.Copy !req
1146. You may have won the battle, Mr. Powers,
but you lost the war.Copy !req
1147. No! No, no!Copy !req
1148. Felicity! Wake up, Felicity, wake up!Copy !req
1149. I love you, Felicity.Copy !req
1150. I love you.Copy !req
1151. Dr. Evil! I'll kill him!Copy !req
1152. Gotcha!Copy !req
1153. Ow! You shot me, you A-hole.Copy !req
1154. And now I'm going to kill you.Copy !req
1155. Before you do that...Copy !req
1156. know this:Copy !req
1157. Austin...Copy !req
1158. I am your father.Copy !req
1159. Really?Copy !req
1160. No, not really. I can't back that up.Copy !req
1161. Right. Idiot. Yes.Copy !req
1162. But isn't it interesting, Mr. Powers,
that you would rather kill me...Copy !req
1163. than save your precious Felicity?Copy !req
1164. What do you mean?Copy !req
1165. Remember, there's a time portal
in the main chamber.Copy !req
1166. You could go back and save her.Copy !req
1167. I'll do that.Copy !req
1168. Felicity!Copy !req
1169. Good work.Copy !req
1170. Good work!Copy !req
1171. Good work!Copy !req
1172. Well, it looks like you have a choice,
Mr.Copy !req
1173. Save the world...Copy !req
1174. or save your girlfriend.Copy !req
1175. - Austin!
- Felicity!Copy !req
1176. Don't worry about me, Austin!
You've gotta save the world!Copy !req
1177. I choose love, baby!Copy !req
1178. Wait a tick.Copy !req
1179. - Who are you?
- I'm you, ten minutes from now.Copy !req
1180. Damn it, you are handsome.Copy !req
1181. I was just thinking the same.Copy !req
1182. We are sexy.Copy !req
1183. We are sexy bitches, yeah.Copy !req
1184. All right, this is ri-goddamn-diculous.
Kill them both!Copy !req
1185. Fire the "laser."Copy !req
1186. Thank you.Copy !req
1187. Fire the "laser"!Copy !req
1188. Listen, Past Austin.Copy !req
1189. Can you save the world
while I go get the girl?Copy !req
1190. Sure, Austin-From-10-Minutes-From-Now.Copy !req
1191. Target locking.Copy !req
1192. Laser set to full fatality.Copy !req
1193. Ah! Target missed.Copy !req
1194. Come on, come on.
You're all right. Yeah, come on.Copy !req
1195. - You all right? Are you okay?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1196. Say, what's the policy on ménage à trois?Copy !req
1197. You are adorable.Copy !req
1198. Yes.Copy !req
1199. Looking for this, Mr. Powers?Copy !req
1200. My mojo.Copy !req
1201. Self-destruct in two minutes and counting.Copy !req
1202. - No!
- No!Copy !req
1203. Watch out!Copy !req
1204. See you in hell, Powers!Copy !req
1205. No, my—Copy !req
1206. Okay,
Austin-From-10-Minutes-From-Now.Copy !req
1207. This place is gonna blow!
Let's go! Come on!Copy !req
1208. Self-destruct in 30 seconds and counting.Copy !req
1209. - Twenty-nine.
- No!Copy !req
1210. - Let's go!
- No! My mojo!Copy !req
1211. - We have to go now!
- My mojo! I'm useless without it!Copy !req
1212. - You don't need it, you've had it all along.
- What do you mean?Copy !req
1213. You defeated Dr. Evil, saved the world,
and, believe me, you're gonna get the girl.Copy !req
1214. Well.Copy !req
1215. Yeah. All right, then. Maybe later.
Yeah, come on.Copy !req
1216. Go!Copy !req
1217. I'll set the controls for 1967.Copy !req
1218. Felicity, why don't you come with me
to 1999?Copy !req
1219. Well, I don't know.
The '60s were just so groovy.Copy !req
1220. I wanna to see what happens
in the '70s and '80s.Copy !req
1221. The '70s and the '80s?Copy !req
1222. You're not missing anything.
I looked into it.Copy !req
1223. There's a gas shortage
and A Flock of Seagulls. That's about it.Copy !req
1224. Let's go!Copy !req
1225. I love you, Austin Powers.Copy !req
1226. And I love you, Felicity Shagwell.Copy !req
1227. Wherever we go...Copy !req
1228. There we are.Copy !req
1229. Special delivery.Copy !req
1230. Ah! Surprise, surprise!Copy !req
1231. Listen, missy.Copy !req
1232. Do you fancy another go?Copy !req
1233. Because once you've had fat,
you never go back.Copy !req
1234. You shut your mouth, you bastard...Copy !req
1235. who is fat.Copy !req
1236. That's right, yeah.Copy !req
1237. Before you kill us,
let me ask you one question:Copy !req
1238. - Are you happy?
- What kind of stupid-ass question is that?Copy !req
1239. I'm rich and I'm dead sexy!Copy !req
1240. Yeah.Copy !req
1241. Well, you didn't answer my question.
Are you happy?Copy !req
1242. Of course I'm not happy.Copy !req
1243. Look at me. I'm a big, fat slob.Copy !req
1244. I've got bigger titties than you do.Copy !req
1245. I've got more chins
than a Chinese phone book!Copy !req
1246. I've not seen my willy in two years...Copy !req
1247. which is long enough
to declare it legally dead!Copy !req
1248. I can't stop eating.Copy !req
1249. I eat because I'm unhappy.Copy !req
1250. And I'm unhappy because I eat.Copy !req
1251. It's a vicious cycle.Copy !req
1252. If you'll excuse me...Copy !req
1253. there's someone I have
to get in touch with and forgive.Copy !req
1254. Myself.Copy !req
1255. Oh, God.Copy !req
1256. Sorry. I farted.Copy !req
1257. It's a long road ahead.Copy !req
1258. Oh, who am I kidding?Copy !req
1259. I'm gonna kill you anyway.Copy !req
1260. Judo chop!Copy !req
1261. Right in the mommy-daddy button!Copy !req
1262. That's for calling me crap, you fatty.Copy !req
1263. Listen, baby,
I don't care if he is a fat bastard.Copy !req
1264. You don't give a man a shot in the pills.
It's just not cricket.Copy !req
1265. Do you think I'll be happy
here in the '90s?Copy !req
1266. Well, I know the '90s
might sound boring...Copy !req
1267. but as far as I'm concerned...Copy !req
1268. I've brought the best part of the '60s
back with me:Copy !req
1269. You.Copy !req
1270. - Wait a minute.
- Where are you going?Copy !req
1271. Did we get Dr. Evil?Copy !req
1272. No, sir. He got away in that rocket
that looks like a huge—Copy !req
1273. Penis. The male reproductive organ.Copy !req
1274. Also known as tallywhacker, schlong or—Copy !req
1275. Wiener?Copy !req
1276. Any of you kids want another wiener?Copy !req
1277. Dad, what's that?Copy !req
1278. I don't know, son, but it's got great big—Copy !req
1279. Nuts! Hot, salty nuts!
Who wants some—?Copy !req
1280. Lord almighty!Copy !req
1281. That looks just like my husband's—Copy !req
1282. One-eyed monster!
Step right up and see the one-eyed monster!Copy !req
1283. Hey, what's that? It looks like a big—Copy !req
1284. Woody?Copy !req
1285. Woody Harrelson?
Can I have your autograph?Copy !req
1286. Sure, no problem.Copy !req
1287. Oh, my Lord! Look at that thing.Copy !req
1288. It's so big.Copy !req
1289. I've seen bigger. That's—Copy !req
1290. Just a little prick.Copy !req
1291. It's a flu shot.Copy !req
1292. You've been in the coldness of space.
I don't want you to get sick.Copy !req
1293. It's one thing to attack me.
It's quite another to attack my Mini-Me.Copy !req
1294. I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers.Copy !req
1295. I'm gonna get you.Copy !req
1296. Thank you.Copy !req
1297. We're doing a follow-up to a segment
we did several months ago...Copy !req
1298. on fathers who are trying
to take over the world.Copy !req
1299. Let's begin with Scott Evil.Copy !req
1300. What's going on with your dad?Copy !req
1301. Well, my dad tried to take over the world
with a giant laser on the moon.Copy !req
1302. I know.Copy !req
1303. - Well, Scott, we have a surprise for you.
- What? My dad?Copy !req
1304. No, it's not your father. It's your mother.Copy !req
1305. Come on out.Copy !req
1306. Mom, mom, mom.Copy !req
1307. Mom, mom, mom.Copy !req
1308. Mom?Copy !req
1309. Scott, you are my love child
with Dr. Evil.Copy !req
1310. I thought I was a test-tube baby.Copy !req
1311. He lies. All lies!Copy !req
1312. I love you, Mom.Copy !req
1313. I love you too, son.Copy !req
1314. Thank you.Copy !req
1315. You know,
what have we learned here today?Copy !req
1316. Perhaps it's that no one
can take your mojo.Copy !req
1317. You can look around...Copy !req
1318. but what you're really trying to find
is on the inside.Copy !req
1319. Take care of yourself, and each other.Copy !req
1320. I think I'm going to like it in the '90s.Copy !req
1321. I never knew it could be this way.
Oh, baby! Baby, baby!Copy !req
1322. Oh, no.Copy !req
1323. - Oh, that's good.
- Felicity.Copy !req
1324. - Austin?
- How could you?Copy !req
1325. I thought that...Copy !req
1326. Past Austin?Copy !req
1327. Technically, it's not cheating, baby.Copy !req
1328. Well, Felicity, I can't blame you.Copy !req
1329. The man is handsome, baby.Copy !req
1330. We're just plain handsome, man.Copy !req
1331. Am I wrong,
but this makes me horny, baby?Copy !req
1332. Very randy!Copy !req
1333. Well, one thing's for sure:
I've got my mojo back.Copy !req
1334. Oh, yes, yes, yes. It's definitely back.Copy !req
1335. Hello, you all right?Copy !req
1336. Me spuds are boiling.Copy !req
1337. Come on, darling, let's hop on
the good foot and do the bad thing.Copy !req
1338. Paging Dr. Freud.Copy !req
1339. Hello, up there. Is the movie over?Copy !req
1340. I'm still down here
and I'm still in quite a lot of pain.Copy !req
1341. Maybe someone in the lobby
could call an ambulance.Copy !req
1342. Oh! The pain is really quite severe.Copy !req
1343. I've fashioned a makeshift splint.
Here goes nothing.Copy !req