1. Houston, this is Condor.Copy !req
2. We are doing an EVA of the payload.Copy !req
3. We are about to present
the module with...Copy !req
4. What the...?Copy !req
5. Oh, my gentle Jesus!Copy !req
6. Houston, we have a problem.Copy !req
7. Launch procedure commence.Copy !req
8. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
9. Oh, yes! Yes!Copy !req
10. And I'm spent.Copy !req
11. - Do you smoke after sex?
- I don't know, baby. I never looked.Copy !req
12. Oh, Austin.Copy !req
13. - What shall we do now?
- Well, I've got an idea.Copy !req
14. - Why don't we shag?
- Again?Copy !req
15. Sure, baby. We're only up to chapter 11
in the Kamasutra.Copy !req
16. Don't you wanna try the Wheelbarrow
or the Praying Donkey...Copy !req
17. or the Chinese Shag Swing?Copy !req
18. I'm gonna get us some more champagne,
Jungle Boy.Copy !req
19. I'm gonna get us some more champagne,
Jungle Boy.Copy !req
20. Are you okay?Copy !req
21. I've never felt better, Austin.Copy !req
22. All right, then.Copy !req
23. I'm just gonna go watch a movie.Copy !req
24. Hey, In Like Flint.
That's my favorite movie.Copy !req
25. Vanessa, what's going on?Copy !req
26. I don't know what you mean, Austin.
I'm the same...Copy !req
27. You must...Copy !req
28. Oh, my God!Copy !req
29. Vanessa!Copy !req
30. You're a Fembot!Copy !req
31. No shit, Sherlock.Copy !req
32. Machine-gun jubblies?Copy !req
33. How did I miss those, baby?Copy !req
34. Perhaps next time
you should try foreplay.Copy !req
35. Right. Oh, my God.Copy !req
36. Here's your wedding present, Mr. Powers.Copy !req
37. A kamikaze bride from me, Dr. Evil.Copy !req
38. Oh, thank God.Copy !req
39. I can't believe Vanessa...Copy !req
40. my bride...Copy !req
41. my one true love...Copy !req
42. the woman who taught me
the beauty of monogamy...Copy !req
43. was a Fembot all along.Copy !req
44. Wait a tick. That means I'm single again.Copy !req
45. Oh, behave!Copy !req
46. Yeah!Copy !req
47. Yeah, baby, yeah!Copy !req
48. Halt!Copy !req
49. Disgusting.Copy !req
50. Yeah, baby, yeah!Copy !req
51. Yeah.Copy !req
52. Hey, how are you? Good to see you.Copy !req
53. Good. Hey. Yeah.Copy !req
54. Revolting.Copy !req
55. What's that? What's that? Oh.Copy !req
56. Yes. Yeah, that looks good on you, man!Copy !req
57. Hey, what's going on?
Good to see you guys.Copy !req
58. Yes. Good to see you.Copy !req
59. Yeah.Copy !req
60. Rabbis, how are you? Nice meat.
Yes, nice meat.Copy !req
61. Photo op.Copy !req
62. Yeah, baby.Copy !req
63. Keep a close eye on
that Kreplachistan situation.Copy !req
64. Sir.Copy !req
65. Jerry, Jerry.Copy !req
66. Okay. Thank you. Thank you very much.Copy !req
67. If you just joined us, today's topic is:Copy !req
68. "My father is evil
and he wants to take over the world."Copy !req
69. Okay, let's meet Scott Evil.Copy !req
70. - Hi, Scott. Nice to have you with us.
- Thanks, Jerry.Copy !req
71. Tell us about your father.Copy !req
72. Well, my dad is the head
of a worldwide evil organization...Copy !req
73. with aspirations of world domination.Copy !req
74. Wow, pretty serious stuff.
Where is he now?Copy !req
75. He's, like, cryogenically frozen,
orbiting the Earth or something.Copy !req
76. That's what you think.Copy !req
77. But we have a surprise for you, Scott.Copy !req
78. Okay, let's bring out Scott's father,
Dr. Evil.Copy !req
79. What? I didn't... What?Copy !req
80. General, we've got a situation here.Copy !req
81. What is it, sergeant?Copy !req
82. Hello, Scott.Copy !req
83. Daddy's back.Copy !req
84. How could you do this to me?
On national television.Copy !req
85. Well, throw me a fricking bone
here, Scott.Copy !req
86. Why'd you run out on me?Copy !req
87. Because you're not quite evil enough.Copy !req
88. Well, it's true.Copy !req
89. You're quasi-evil.Copy !req
90. You're semi-evil.Copy !req
91. You're the margarine of evil.Copy !req
92. You're the Diet Coke of evil.Copy !req
93. Just one calorie. Not evil enough.Copy !req
94. What are you? Some kind of freak?Copy !req
95. - Hey, shut up, ****off!
- Okay. Okay, come on.Copy !req
96. - I'll kick your ***, punk!
- Bring it on, you skanky *****.Copy !req
97. All right, all right. Come on.Copy !req
98. No one talks to my son like that.
It's okay.Copy !req
99. You mother******* piece of ****!Copy !req
100. Yeah, ****! I'll kick your ***,
you ****ing ****sucker!Copy !req
101. You piece of ****!Copy !req
102. You were born in your mother's ****,
you **********.Copy !req
103. Jerry, Jerry.
I'm okay.Copy !req
104. I'm okay.Copy !req
105. All right, you were born
in your mother's ******* *******!Copy !req
106. - I'll ****ing kill you!
I'll kill you both!Copy !req
107. There you go. Great.Copy !req
108. There you go, I got your hood!
I got your hood!Copy !req
109. Settle down. Okay, settle down.
It's okay. Okay, okay.Copy !req
110. It's only a television show. Calm down.Copy !req
111. - Okay, I'm all right. I'm easy.
- Okay. Everything okay?Copy !req
112. - Get this jerk out of here.
- I'll give you a **** piece of ****...Copy !req
113. You mother******.Copy !req
114. He's biting me!Copy !req
115. He's biting me! The ****er's biting me!Copy !req
116. Give me that! The world is mine!Copy !req
117. The world is mine, you *******!Copy !req
118. You've got mail.
Hello, Basil.Copy !req
119. Hello, Austin. How was your honeymoon?Copy !req
120. Well, it turns out
that Vanessa was a Fembot.Copy !req
121. Yes, we knew all along, sadly.Copy !req
122. Anyway, I have a new assignment
for you, Austin.Copy !req
123. You're scheduled for a photo shoot...Copy !req
124. and one of the models
works for Dr. Evil.Copy !req
125. Groovy, baby!Copy !req
126. Shaguar, ho!Copy !req
127. Show me to the models, baby.Copy !req
128. Let the magic begin.Copy !req
129. Who have we got today? Okay, great.Copy !req
130. Austin, I've heard a lot about you.Copy !req
131. I'm Rebecca Romijn.
I don't believe I've had the pleasure.Copy !req
132. Well, of course you haven't had
the pleasure, Rebecca.Copy !req
133. We just met, baby, yeah.Copy !req
134. Who are you, baby?Copy !req
135. Ivana.Copy !req
136. Ivana Humpalot.Copy !req
137. Excuse me?Copy !req
138. Ivana Humpalot.Copy !req
139. And "lvana" toilet made out of gold,
but it's just not in the cards, now, is it?Copy !req
140. You know.Copy !req
141. Okay, everyone. Let's get started.Copy !req
142. Yes! Beautiful! Feeling it!Copy !req
143. Let's get some smiles. It's all in here.
That's it. Yes.Copy !req
144. Let's let the inside out.Copy !req
145. Okay, you're an animal!Copy !req
146. Yes! There we go! You're a tiger!Copy !req
147. You're Tony the Tiger!Copy !req
148. You're great!Copy !req
149. Very good. Loving it.
Now you're a lemur.Copy !req
150. Running as a pack. Yes, yes. We go left.Copy !req
151. We go right. Yes, yes, yes.Copy !req
152. There's a predator out in the jungle.
What's going on?Copy !req
153. Burrow! Burrow!Copy !req
154. You're a lemur! It's all you've got!Copy !req
155. You don't have sharp teeth
capable of biting.Copy !req
156. Make interconnected tunnels
like the Vietcong.Copy !req
157. And look! Look, look!Copy !req
158. I'm not even shooting you. It's crazy.Copy !req
159. And I'm spent.Copy !req
160. Right, that's a wrap, everyone.Copy !req
161. Miss Humpalot.Copy !req
162. Da, darling?Copy !req
163. - Shall we?
- Give me moment.Copy !req
164. Dr. Evil...Copy !req
165. several years ago, we invested
in a small, Seattle-based coffee company.Copy !req
166. Today, Starbucks
offers premium-quality coffee...Copy !req
167. at affordable prices.Copy !req
168. Delish.Copy !req
169. Dr. Evil...Copy !req
170. if we shift our resources away
from evil empires and toward Starbucks...Copy !req
171. we can increase our profits fivefold.Copy !req
172. Number Two, I make the decisions here,
okay?Copy !req
173. I demand a little respect.Copy !req
174. Dr. Evil, you have a little of the...Copy !req
175. Silence!Copy !req
176. I will not tolerate your insolence!Copy !req
177. Frau Farbissina.Copy !req
178. How are things?Copy !req
179. I have come to embrace the love
that dare not speak its name.Copy !req
180. To my right is my lover.Copy !req
181. We met at the LPGA tour.Copy !req
182. Her name is Unibrau.Copy !req
183. Right on.Copy !req
184. Welcome, Unibrau.Copy !req
185. Doctor, you...Copy !req
186. - What?
- You have a little...Copy !req
187. milk nose mustache.Copy !req
188. I know. I know, I know.Copy !req
189. Meant to. It's how we drink it in Belgium.Copy !req
190. It's called a Belgian Dip.Copy !req
191. Dr. Evil, while you were frozen...Copy !req
192. we began a program to clone you.Copy !req
193. - Cool.
- Send in the clone!Copy !req
194. He is exactly like you in every way...Copy !req
195. except one-eighth your size.Copy !req
196. Breathtaking.Copy !req
197. I shall call him...Copy !req
198. Mini-Me.Copy !req
199. Your stock is rising, Number Two.Copy !req
200. Come, Mr. Bigglesworth.Copy !req
201. Mini-Me, are you hungry?Copy !req
202. Something to eat?Copy !req
203. Not even a Hot Pocket?Copy !req
204. An Eggo?Copy !req
205. No. No, we don't gnaw on our kitty.Copy !req
206. Leave... No.Copy !req
207. Leave Mini-Mr. Bigglesworth alone.Copy !req
208. Just love him and stroke him.Copy !req
209. As you know, every diabolical scheme
that I've hatched...Copy !req
210. has been thwarted by Austin Powers.Copy !req
211. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen?Copy !req
212. You never kill him when you get the chance,
and you're a dope?Copy !req
213. No, no, no.Copy !req
214. No, no.Copy !req
215. Down. Down, Mini-Me.Copy !req
216. No. Austin Powers always defeats me
because he has mojo.Copy !req
217. Mojo?Copy !req
218. Mojo.Copy !req
219. The libido, the life force,
the essence, the right stuff.Copy !req
220. What the French call a certain...Copy !req
221. I don't know what.Copy !req
222. Ladies and gentlemen...Copy !req
223. I've developed a device
for traveling through time which I call...Copy !req
224. a "time machine."Copy !req
225. Using this "time machine"...Copy !req
226. I'm going to go back to the '60s
and steal Austin Powers' mojo.Copy !req
227. If you have a time machine...Copy !req
228. why not just go back and kill Austin
when he's sitting on the crapper?Copy !req
229. How about no, Scott, okay?Copy !req
230. Why not use your knowledge of the future
to play the stock market?Copy !req
231. We could make trillions.Copy !req
232. Why make trillions when we could make...Copy !req
233. billions?Copy !req
234. A trillion is more than a billion, numbnuts.Copy !req
235. All right, zip it.Copy !req
236. - You can't even...
- Zip it!Copy !req
237. Zip.Copy !req
238. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
ex-"zip it" A.Copy !req
239. - Number Two, would you please...?
- Look, I'm Zippy Longstocking.Copy !req
240. When a problem comes along
You must zip itCopy !req
241. Zip it goodCopy !req
242. Frau, would you...?Copy !req
243. Zip it.Copy !req
244. - I'm just trying...
- Zip!Copy !req
245. Would you like to have
a suckle of my zipple?Copy !req
246. - I want you... Stop...
- Zip! Eh.Copy !req
247. - Zip it! Zip it!
This...Copy !req
248. You know...Copy !req
249. You're like a child.Copy !req
250. Talking... If you... Just... One time...Copy !req
251. Zip it. Unveil the time portal.Copy !req
252. As you know...Copy !req
253. Austin Powers was frozen in 1967.Copy !req
254. Therefore, I will travel to 1969...Copy !req
255. two years after he was frozen.Copy !req
256. He'll be helpless.Copy !req
257. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm about
to travel through time. I bid you adieu.Copy !req
258. I'm okay. I'm okay.Copy !req
259. Not turned on, I suppose. Yeah.Copy !req
260. Do you think you could...?Copy !req
261. Yeah, thanks.Copy !req
262. Come, Mini-Me!Copy !req
263. Don't be scared, Mini-Me.Copy !req
264. Dr. Evil. Welcome to 1969.Copy !req
265. Thank you, Number Two.Copy !req
266. You look so healthy and youthful.Copy !req
267. Well, thank you.Copy !req
268. Heil, doctor.
- And Frau, you look so...Copy !req
269. Right.Copy !req
270. You know, Dr. Evil, I received your memo
from the future.Copy !req
271. Your new lair is up and running.Copy !req
272. Is it a hollowed-out volcano,
like I asked for?Copy !req
273. Of course.Copy !req
274. Good.Copy !req
275. Then it's all going perfectly to plan.Copy !req
276. Yeah, baby, yeah!Copy !req
277. When did you get the clapper?Copy !req
278. November, 1964.
Dutch East Indies, shore leave.Copy !req
279. Do you know how we keep warm
in Russia?Copy !req
280. I can guess, baby.Copy !req
281. We play chess.Copy !req
282. I guessed wrong.Copy !req
283. It takes a keen intellect to play chess,
Mr. Powers.Copy !req
284. I assume you know how to play.Copy !req
285. Of course, baby.Copy !req
286. What to do, what to do.Copy !req
287. Let me ask you a question.Copy !req
288. And be honest.Copy !req
289. Do I make you horny, baby?Copy !req
290. Do I?Copy !req
291. Do I make you randy?Copy !req
292. Yeah?Copy !req
293. No more games.Copy !req
294. Dr. Evil sent me here to kill you...Copy !req
295. but I find you so...Copy !req
296. - Sexy and...
- Yes. Yes.Copy !req
297. Just make love to me.Copy !req
298. Now, Austin Powerovich. Hurry.Copy !req
299. You are hairy, like animal!Copy !req
300. Grr, baby. Very grr.Copy !req
301. Make love to me, monkey man.Copy !req
302. Dr. Evil, I don't understand how
we can hope to steal Austin Powers' mojo.Copy !req
303. We've tried this before.Copy !req
304. The security around Powers is foolproof.Copy !req
305. Ah, but this time we have an operative
inside the Ministry of Defense.Copy !req
306. Really?Copy !req
307. Yes, really.Copy !req
308. He's stealing Austin Powers' mojo
even as we speak.Copy !req
309. Really?Copy !req
310. Really.Copy !req
311. He's a disgruntled Scottish guard...Copy !req
312. known for his lethal temper
and his unusual eating habits.Copy !req
313. He weighs a metric ton.Copy !req
314. His name:Copy !req
315. Fat Bastard.Copy !req
316. We've had reports there's a spy
in the Ministry of Defense.Copy !req
317. The contents of this room
are vital to the country.Copy !req
318. Be on special alert.Copy !req
319. Yes, sir!Copy !req
320. And try to lose some weight,
for God's sake.Copy !req
321. Yes, sir!Copy !req
322. Mr. English Colonel,
telling me to lose weight.Copy !req
323. Oh, I'm a hard case, he says.Copy !req
324. Well, listen up, sonny Jim, I ate a baby!Copy !req
325. Oh, aye.Copy !req
326. The other Other White Meat.Copy !req
327. It's what's for dinner.Copy !req
328. Oh, I've got your mojo now, sonny Jim!Copy !req
329. - What's wrong?
- Crikey!Copy !req
330. I've lost my mojo.Copy !req
331. Austin, the test results confirm
that you've lost your mojo.Copy !req
332. And it couldn't come at a worse time.Copy !req
333. We have evidence that Dr. Evil
has developed a time machine...Copy !req
334. and has traveled back to the year 1969.Copy !req
335. Luckily, we too have developed
a time-travel device...Copy !req
336. to transport you back to the '60s.Copy !req
337. This is where you input your destination.Copy !req
338. Wait a tick.
Basil, if I travel back to 1969...Copy !req
339. and I was frozen in 1967...Copy !req
340. presumably,
I could go visit my frozen self.Copy !req
341. But if I'm still frozen in 1967...Copy !req
342. how could I have been unthawed
in the '90s and traveled...Copy !req
343. Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed.Copy !req
344. I suggest you don't worry about
this sort of thing and just enjoy yourself.Copy !req
345. - That goes for you all too.
- Yes.Copy !req
346. This is smashing, Basil.Copy !req
347. I'll go back to the '60s, recharge my mojo,
defeat Dr. Evil and be back in time for tea.Copy !req
348. Swinging '60s, here I come, baby, yeah!Copy !req
349. Move! Move!Copy !req
350. Move!Copy !req
351. No, Austin, no! No!Copy !req
352. Sorry.Copy !req
353. - I bet that's expensive.
Quite all right.Copy !req
354. Oh, sorry, here we go.
Yes, yes.Copy !req
355. Almost.
- Sorry!Copy !req
356. Easy, easy.Copy !req
357. God damn barrels, Austin.Copy !req
358. Yeah, see, here we go, here we go.
All right.Copy !req
359. Yeah, baby, yeah!Copy !req
360. Godspeed, Austin Powers.Copy !req
361. I'm home.Copy !req
362. Austin Powers!Copy !req
363. - Austin Powers?
- Yes.Copy !req
364. I'm back in the '60s, baby, yeah!Copy !req
365. Yeah, all right, there you are.Copy !req
366. Yeah!Copy !req
367. Hey, hey, hey.
Get your hands off my heinie, baby.Copy !req
368. Who are you today, baby?Copy !req
369. My name is Robin Swallows.Copy !req
370. Swallows. That's an interesting name.Copy !req
371. Maiden name is Spitz.Copy !req
372. Well, which is it, baby?
Spitz or Swallows?Copy !req
373. Those are skintight.
How do you get into those pants, baby?Copy !req
374. You can start by buying me a drink.Copy !req
375. I want. I want.Copy !req
376. You better play it cool.
Your friend works for Dr. Evil.Copy !req
377. And just who do you work for, baby?Copy !req
378. Tell me, Mr. Powers.Copy !req
379. Do you swing?Copy !req
380. Are you kidding, baby?Copy !req
381. I put the "grr" in "swinger," baby!Copy !req
382. Then why don't you come right...Copy !req
383. over... here.Copy !req
384. Okay, I could do that.Copy !req
385. Easy.Copy !req
386. Cheeky.Copy !req
387. Prepare to die, Powers!Copy !req
388. Use the machine gun!Copy !req
389. Say goodbye, Powers!Copy !req
390. Use the bazooka!Copy !req
391. No!Copy !req
392. The fall will kill us both, Powers!Copy !req
393. You can't win, Powers.Copy !req
394. Why won't you die?Copy !req
395. Care for a ride?Copy !req
396. Go! Go! Go!Copy !req
397. Go!Copy !req
398. Austin Powers, I presume.Copy !req
399. Powers by name...Copy !req
400. Powers by reputation.Copy !req
401. Felicity Shagwell, CIA.Copy !req
402. Shagwell by name,
Shag-very-well by reputation.Copy !req
403. Oh, behave.Copy !req
404. Not if I can help it.Copy !req
405. Yes. Ooh.Copy !req
406. You know what's remarkable...Copy !req
407. is how much England looks
in no way like southern California.Copy !req
408. Crikey!Copy !req
409. We've got company.
It looks like one of Dr. Evil's assassins.Copy !req
410. Steady now. Steady.Copy !req
411. Hands up.Copy !req
412. Do you remember me, Austin Powers?Copy !req
413. I don't recall your name,
but your fez is familiar.Copy !req
414. My name is Mustafa.Copy !req
415. And I'm the man
who will be killing you now.Copy !req
416. Who sent you?Copy !req
417. You'll have to kill me.Copy !req
418. Who sent you?Copy !req
419. Kiss my ass, Powers.Copy !req
420. Who sent you?Copy !req
421. Dr. Evil.Copy !req
422. - That was easy.
- That was easy.Copy !req
423. Why did you tell us?Copy !req
424. I can't stand to be asked
the same question three times.Copy !req
425. It just irritates me.Copy !req
426. Where is Dr. Evil hiding?Copy !req
427. Why would he tell me?
I'm just one of his low-level functionaries.Copy !req
428. - Where is Dr. Evil hiding?
- You'll have to torture me. I'll never tell.Copy !req
429. - Where's Dr. Evil hiding?
- Damn. Three times.Copy !req
430. He's hiding in the secret volcano lair.Copy !req
431. Where's Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?Copy !req
432. I spit at that question!Copy !req
433. Do I really have to ask you
two more times?Copy !req
434. Go to hell, Powers.Copy !req
435. Fine.Copy !req
436. Where is Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?Copy !req
437. I will take it to the grave with me!Copy !req
438. You have to answer.
He asked three times.Copy !req
439. No, no, no.Copy !req
440. The second question was, "Do I
really have to ask you two more times?"Copy !req
441. That would be the first question
in a new line of questioning...Copy !req
442. and wouldn't count
in the other line of questioning.Copy !req
443. Yeah, he's right.Copy !req
444. I'm just trying
to get information from you.Copy !req
445. I don't need any consistency
in the questions, do I?Copy !req
446. No, no. You're preaching
to the converted. I... Uh!Copy !req
447. Well, if I'm preaching to the converted...Copy !req
448. why are you being so slavish
to the three-question form?Copy !req
449. You're not even looking at me, man.
Now you're just being rude.Copy !req
450. You're not listening, man.Copy !req
451. Oh, crikey.Copy !req
452. Well, Austin, I think this time
you may have finally met your match.Copy !req
453. Oh, no, baby.Copy !req
454. I've beaten Dr. Evil before,
and I'll beat him again.Copy !req
455. I was talking about me.Copy !req
456. Yeah.Copy !req
457. Hello, up there.
I seem to have fallen down a cliff.Copy !req
458. I'm still alive, but I'm very badly injured.Copy !req
459. I think my legs might be broken,
but I'll try to stand up.Copy !req
460. Yes, they are broken.Copy !req
461. Perhaps you could toss me a Band-Aid
or some antibacterial cream.Copy !req
462. I'm in an extraordinarily large
amount of pain.Copy !req
463. The bone has gone through the skin.
I fear it might be gangrenous.Copy !req
464. The wound is beginning to smell
a little like almonds, which is not good.Copy !req
465. Please?Copy !req
466. No one?Copy !req
467. - Sorry.
- I'll try the other leg.Copy !req
468. Two of my assassins are dead.
I will not tolerate failure.Copy !req
469. I'm the man who will maintain
the dignity of this evil organization.Copy !req
470. What the hell was that?Copy !req
471. Volcanic eruption!Copy !req
472. May I present to you
my spy in the Ministry of Defense:Copy !req
473. Fat Bastard.Copy !req
474. First things first. Where's your shitter?Copy !req
475. I've got a turtle head poking out.Copy !req
476. Charming.Copy !req
477. I'm not kidding.Copy !req
478. I got a crap on deck
that could choke a donkey.Copy !req
479. It's squidgey.Copy !req
480. Christ, I'm getting all emotional from it,
you know?Copy !req
481. Right...Copy !req
482. Fat Bastard,
could I have my mojo, please?Copy !req
483. Where's my money?Copy !req
484. All right, give him his money.Copy !req
485. Jesus Christ, he's tiny.Copy !req
486. I've had bigger chunks of corn
in my crap.Copy !req
487. Wait a minute.Copy !req
488. He kind of looks like a baby.Copy !req
489. Come here, I'm gonna eat you!Copy !req
490. I'm bigger than you,
I'm higher on the food chain.Copy !req
491. Get in my belly!Copy !req
492. Come on!Copy !req
493. You're lucky, wee man!Copy !req
494. Can I have a hug?Copy !req
495. Dr. Evil.Copy !req
496. Let me make you a deal, all right?Copy !req
497. You get the mojo, you keep your money...Copy !req
498. and I'll get your baby.Copy !req
499. Right...Copy !req
500. I want my baby back, baby back,
baby back ribsCopy !req
501. I want my baby back, baby back,
baby back ribsCopy !req
502. Excuse me.Copy !req
503. Chili, baby back ribsCopy !req
504. Dr. Evil, what are we going
to do about Powers?Copy !req
505. Austin Powers
is no longer a threat to me.Copy !req
506. I have his mojo.Copy !req
507. All right, everyone. You're dismissed.Copy !req
508. Private time.Copy !req
509. Dr. Evil, I don't want
this to interfere with our work.Copy !req
510. Don't worry, mama.Copy !req
511. Things won't get weird.Copy !req
512. One for me.Copy !req
513. And one for my homeys.Copy !req
514. Herr Doctor.Copy !req
515. Hello.Copy !req
516. So, what happened here?Copy !req
517. Apparently a rogue agent
named Fat Bastard...Copy !req
518. infiltrated the unit
assigned to guard your chamber.Copy !req
519. He used some sort of nerve gas.
These men don't remember a thing.Copy !req
520. Captain, crosscheck Fat Bastard's profile
with the mainframe at Langley.Copy !req
521. - Yes, ma'am.
Can I borrow that, please?Copy !req
522. Thank you. Yes, Austin, yes, yes.Copy !req
523. Look at me.
I'm a sexy bitch, baby, yeah.Copy !req
524. You're a Popsicle, yes.Copy !req
525. Yes. No! No!Copy !req
526. And I'm spent.Copy !req
527. Let's go, baby. Yeah!Copy !req
528. Hey there. How are you?Copy !req
529. Come on, Felicity, come on.Copy !req
530. Yeah, babe!Copy !req
531. - Shall we sit down? Yeah.
- Yeah.Copy !req
532. This is great.
- Groovy.Copy !req
533. So, Austin, what's the future like?Copy !req
534. Well, everyone has a flying car...Copy !req
535. entire meals come in pill form...Copy !req
536. and the Earth is ruled by
damned dirty apes!Copy !req
537. Oh, my God.Copy !req
538. Had you for a second.Copy !req
539. You can have me for even longer,
if you want.Copy !req
540. You're one groovy baby...Copy !req
541. baby.Copy !req
542. Too many "babys."Copy !req
543. Don't you dare move.Copy !req
544. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Burt Bacharach
and Mr. Elvis Costello.Copy !req
545. What do you get when you fall in love?Copy !req
546. A guy with a pin to burst your bubbleCopy !req
547. - Would you care to dance?
- I'd love to.Copy !req
548. That's what you get for all your troubleCopy !req
549. I'll never fall in love againCopy !req
550. Don't tell me what it's all aboutCopy !req
551. Because I've been there
And I'm glad I'm outCopy !req
552. Out of those chains
Those chains that bind youCopy !req
553. That is why I'm here to remind youCopy !req
554. What do you get when you fall in loveCopy !req
555. You only get lies and pain and sorrowCopy !req
556. So for at least until tomorrowCopy !req
557. I'll never fall in love againCopy !req
558. You're quite good on your feet.Copy !req
559. I'm even better off my feet.Copy !req
560. Oh, behave, baby.Copy !req
561. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
562. Hi there.Copy !req
563. - How are things?
- Good, Herr Doctor. And you?Copy !req
564. Great.Copy !req
565. Just taking a break?Copy !req
566. Try the Hot Pockets.
They're breathtaking.Copy !req
567. - It got weird, didn't it?
- Yeah.Copy !req
568. I knew it.Copy !req
569. You haven't called.Copy !req
570. Look, we talked about this.Copy !req
571. We promised each other
it wouldn't get weird.Copy !req
572. I can't let my feelings for you
interfere with my taking over the world.Copy !req
573. You know that.Copy !req
574. You know, I will never love another man.Copy !req
575. Yes, that's true.Copy !req
576. Yeah.Copy !req
577. Dr. Evil, I'm late.Copy !req
578. - No, you got here right on time.
- No.Copy !req
579. I mean I'm late.Copy !req
580. Dad.Copy !req
581. Scott.Copy !req
582. Hey there, sport.Copy !req
583. What are you doing here?Copy !req
584. I was just thinking that maybe
we can work all this out.Copy !req
585. After all, you are my father.Copy !req
586. Scott, you had your chance, okay?Copy !req
587. I already had someone
created in my image.Copy !req
588. He's evil, he wants
to take over the world...Copy !req
589. and he fits easily
into most overhead storage bins.Copy !req
590. Him?
Yes.Copy !req
591. Look at him. He's crazy.Copy !req
592. He's like a vicious little Chihuahua thing.Copy !req
593. He'll kill me the first chance he gets.Copy !req
594. Probably.Copy !req
595. I love you.Copy !req
596. I am a sexy bitch, yes.Copy !req
597. Felicity, make yourself at home, baby.Copy !req
598. What do you think of my shag pad,
darling?Copy !req
599. It's amazing, Austin.Copy !req
600. Wait a tick.Copy !req
601. That's how my mojo was stolen.
Fat Bastard.Copy !req
602. She's a professional agent.
She's not interested in shagging.Copy !req
603. Please, God.
Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch.Copy !req
604. Austin, I'm waiting.Copy !req
605. How about one of
your world-famous massages?Copy !req
606. You mean a sensual massage?Copy !req
607. Right, then. Okay...Copy !req
608. Here we go. Yes.Copy !req
609. Yes.Copy !req
610. Oh, wait a minute.
Something's itching me.Copy !req
611. That's better.Copy !req
612. Crikey!Copy !req
613. How does that feel, baby?Copy !req
614. Lower.Copy !req
615. How does that feel, baby?Copy !req
616. What?Copy !req
617. You don't have to be cute with me.
We're way past that.Copy !req
618. We are?Copy !req
619. What do you think?Copy !req
620. Listen, Felicity...Copy !req
621. I'm sorry.Copy !req
622. I can't do this.Copy !req
623. I have to go.Copy !req
624. Is it me?Copy !req
625. I can't explain.Copy !req
626. Hello, Agent Shagwell. Where's Austin?Copy !req
627. I must've said something wrong,
so he just left all of a sudden.Copy !req
628. Listen, Felicity. I don't want you
getting too close to Austin.Copy !req
629. It's not meant to be.Copy !req
630. I don't get too close to anybody, Basil.Copy !req
631. - My interest is purely professional.
- Good.Copy !req
632. Then you won't mind tracking down
Fat Bastard tonight.Copy !req
633. No problem.Copy !req
634. We need you to plant this homing device
on him by any means necessary.Copy !req
635. No problem.Copy !req
636. Keep up the good work.Copy !req
637. Remember, by any means necessary.Copy !req
638. Look at yourself.Copy !req
639. You used to be so virile.Copy !req
640. You were a swinger, man.Copy !req
641. And now you're nothing.Copy !req
642. But at least it can't get any worse.Copy !req
643. Well, surprise, surprise, huh?Copy !req
644. Look at that meal.Copy !req
645. I'm dead sexy.Copy !req
646. Look at my sexy body.Copy !req
647. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
648. Oh, look, I'm like a singer.Copy !req
649. Sexy man, sexy manCopy !req
650. Eating like a sexy man canCopy !req
651. By the way...Copy !req
652. would you like some chicken?
I've got more.Copy !req
653. No, thanks.Copy !req
654. Let's see, what have we got here?
I'm done with that.Copy !req
655. All right.Copy !req
656. All right, then.Copy !req
657. I'll just put this down here.Copy !req
658. Remember, by any means necessary.Copy !req
659. Must've eaten them already.Copy !req
660. Frisky, are we?Copy !req
661. - Give it up!
- Ah!Copy !req
662. Ladies and gentlemen, we're about to begin
phase two of our evil project.Copy !req
663. Or is it phase...? I don't know phases.Copy !req
664. Anyways, this is the phase in which
we put a giant "laser" on the moon.Copy !req
665. As you know, the moon rotates
around the Earth, like so:Copy !req
666. When the moon reaches
its appropriate lunar alignment...Copy !req
667. it will destroy Washington, D.C.Copy !req
668. You see, I've turned the moon
into what I like to call...Copy !req
669. a "death star."Copy !req
670. - What?
- Nothing, Darth.Copy !req
671. What did you call me?Copy !req
672. No, nothing. Rip-off!Copy !req
673. Bless you.Copy !req
674. Anyways, the key to this plan
is the giant laser.Copy !req
675. It was invented by the noted
Cambridge physicist Dr. Parsons.Copy !req
676. Therefore we shall call it
"the Alan Parsons Project."Copy !req
677. Oh, my God.Copy !req
678. What now?Copy !req
679. The Alan Parsons Project
is a progressive rock band in 1982.Copy !req
680. Why don't you just call it
"Operation Wang Chung," ass.Copy !req
681. - Well, what should we...?
Nothing.Copy !req
682. I'm sure "Operation Bananarama"
will be huge.Copy !req
683. - What are you saying?
- If you...Copy !req
684. - Shh!
- Trying to be hip...Copy !req
685. Www. Ssh. Com.Copy !req
686. - Dot-org.
- You're so...Copy !req
687. Dr. Evil, if we could put aside
the family squabbling for a moment...Copy !req
688. I think we can get down
to some serious business here.Copy !req
689. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
690. I don't like that insolent tone.Copy !req
691. I meant nothing by it.
No, no.Copy !req
692. - You want to run things here? Is that it?
- No, not at all.Copy !req
693. You wanna be daddy?
Is that it, Number Two?Copy !req
694. You wanna wear the daddy pants?Copy !req
695. - Are you gonna cry? Are you gonna cry?
- I don't think so.Copy !req
696. - You gonna cry? You gonna cry?
- What are you...?Copy !req
697. Are you gonna squirt some?
Are you gonna cry?Copy !req
698. Yeah, see? You're gonna cry, huh?
You're a big man now, huh? Yeah.Copy !req
699. Thought so.Copy !req
700. Felicity.Copy !req
701. Austin.Copy !req
702. About what happened last night...Copy !req
703. - That's okay. You don't have to explain.
- No, no, no.Copy !req
704. You don't understand. You see...Copy !req
705. I've lost my mojo.Copy !req
706. - So that's why you...?
- Yes, yes.Copy !req
707. I thought you didn't like me.Copy !req
708. Oh, no, baby. You're very shagadelic.Copy !req
709. I just didn't wanna fall in love again...Copy !req
710. and I thought you'd never love me
without my mojo.Copy !req
711. It's not you. You're fab.Copy !req
712. You're switched on.
You're a bit of all right, yes.Copy !req
713. That is so great.
There's something I should tell you too.Copy !req
714. Last night, I planted a homing device
on Fat Bastard.Copy !req
715. Smashing, baby. Then we can track down
Fat Bastard, get my mojo...Copy !req
716. go back to my place, hop on
the good foot and do the bad thing.Copy !req
717. But there's more. In order to get close
to Fat Bastard, I had to...Copy !req
718. Oh! Hello, hello. The signal's coming
through. He's at Paddington Station.Copy !req
719. Let's go!Copy !req
720. We're close, baby.Copy !req
721. This way. Straight.
No, no, left. Through here.Copy !req
722. We've got him.
Private, bring up the ram.Copy !req
723. Go, go, go!Copy !req
724. Where is he?Copy !req
725. Oh, my God!Copy !req
726. Fat Bastard left a floater!Copy !req
727. In the name of all things sacred,
that is the most foul-smelling thing ever!Copy !req
728. Somebody flush it down.Copy !req
729. No, no. Nobody touch anything.Copy !req
730. We have to get this sample to the lab
to be analyzed.Copy !req
731. I'm gonna get it.Copy !req
732. Austin, there you are.
Has the sample been analyzed?Copy !req
733. Cor, baby.
You look very shagadelic, yeah.Copy !req
734. But do we really have to be here, Felicity?
I mean, it's so boring.Copy !req
735. I don't believe in science.Copy !req
736. When it comes to the spy game...Copy !req
737. to me, it's all instinct.Copy !req
738. Hello, everybody.
- Hello, Basil.Copy !req
739. The results are in.Copy !req
740. We've discovered trace elements
of a rare vegetable...Copy !req
741. found only on one island,
here, in the Caribbean.Copy !req
742. Whoop-dee-doo!Copy !req
743. What does it all mean, Basil?Copy !req
744. It means that this is the location
of Dr. Evil's lair.Copy !req
745. Smashing, Basil.Copy !req
746. Cor.Copy !req
747. This coffee smells like shit.Copy !req
748. It is shit, Austin.Copy !req
749. Oh, good, then it's not just me.Copy !req
750. It's a bit nutty.Copy !req
751. Excuse me, Dr. Evil.Copy !req
752. I have to speak to you
about this Mini-Me.Copy !req
753. He's not fitting in?Copy !req
754. Is he giving off too much
of a creepy Oompa-Loompa vibe?Copy !req
755. No, it's just that...Copy !req
756. he bites.Copy !req
757. He's a biter.Copy !req
758. What's wrong, Mini-Me?Copy !req
759. Something you wanna tell us?Copy !req
760. Teething. Yeah.Copy !req
761. Get me the president
of the United States of America!Copy !req
762. He's on, he's on.
- What do you want, Dr. Evil?Copy !req
763. Mr. President, in 12 hours...Copy !req
764. I will destroy Washington, D.C.
With this giant "laser."Copy !req
765. What the...? Jesus.Copy !req
766. Mini-Me.Copy !req
767. Stop humping the laser.Copy !req
768. Okay. Honest to God.Copy !req
769. Why don't you and the giant "laser"
get a fricking room, for God sakes?Copy !req
770. Mr. President.Copy !req
771. After I destroy Washington, D. C...Copy !req
772. I will destroy another major city
every hour, on the hour.Copy !req
773. That is, unless, of course, you pay me...Copy !req
774. one hundred billion dollars.Copy !req
775. Doctor Evil, this is 1969.Copy !req
776. That amount of money
doesn't even exist.Copy !req
777. That's like saying,
"I want a kajillion-bajillion dollars."Copy !req
778. Come on, Mr. President...Copy !req
779. show me the money.Copy !req
780. Show you what money?Copy !req
781. "Show me the money!
Show me the money!"Copy !req
782. "You had me at 'hello."' Tear.
Nothing? No?Copy !req
783. Psst. It's 1969.Copy !req
784. Jerry Maguire won't even come out
for another 30 years.Copy !req
785. Nobody knows
what you're talking about, ass.Copy !req
786. Scott, Daddy's working. Okay?Copy !req
787. And when you're in the main chamber,
try and use the big-boy voice, okay?Copy !req
788. Thank you.Copy !req
789. Mr. President, allow me to demonstrate...Copy !req
790. the awesome lethality
of the Alan Parsons Project.Copy !req
791. Fire the laser!Copy !req
792. Damage report! Damage report!Copy !req
793. It's okay. It's all right. Come on.Copy !req
794. Actually, that was just footage
from the movie Independence Day...Copy !req
795. but the real laser
would be a lot like that. Yeah.Copy !req
796. Scary.Copy !req
797. Now, Dr. Evil...Copy !req
798. Talk to the hand, because the face
don't want to hear it anymore.Copy !req
799. What hand? Talk to your hand?Copy !req
800. You ain't all that
and a bag of potato chips.Copy !req
801. What are you talking about?Copy !req
802. Don't go there, girlfriend. Mm-hm.Copy !req
803. Whose girlfriend?Copy !req
804. Don't mess with me. I'm one crazy mofo.Copy !req
805. I had to pop a cop because he
wasn't giving me my props in Oaktown.Copy !req
806. No? I heard that somewhere.Copy !req
807. You're an idiot.Copy !req
808. Mr. President,
I think we have an understanding.Copy !req
809. Bye-bye.Copy !req
810. Dr. Evil, what are our plans
regarding Austin Powers?Copy !req
811. Austin Powers?
He's the snake to my mongoose.Copy !req
812. Or the mongoose to my snake.Copy !req
813. Either way, it's bad.
I don't know animals.Copy !req
814. But I do know this:Copy !req
815. This time, it's personal.Copy !req
816. Kill him.Copy !req
817. There's Dr. Evil's island.Copy !req
818. Let's set up camp.Copy !req
819. Be careful with that bag.
There's explosives in it.Copy !req
820. This could be dangerous.Copy !req
821. What if God was one of usCopy !req
822. Just a slob like one of usCopy !req
823. Well done. Very good.Copy !req
824. Dr. Evil. That was fantastic.Copy !req
825. Thank you, Number Two.Copy !req
826. I wrote that. Yeah.Copy !req
827. Dad, he put this in my bed.Copy !req
828. - Who?
- Your stupid Mini-You.Copy !req
829. He put roadkill in my sheets!Copy !req
830. What...? Mini-Me.Copy !req
831. Don't you ever do that again!
You hear me?Copy !req
832. Don't you ever do that again!Copy !req
833. I can't stay mad at you.Copy !req
834. Look at that ponem.Copy !req
835. Dr. Evil's headquarters
is right over that next ridge.Copy !req
836. - Let me look.
- Yeah...Copy !req
837. Damn it. How do we get in?Copy !req
838. Hello, Mommy.Copy !req
839. Mommy, can I have some chocolates?
I want some Mars Bars.Copy !req
840. - Austin. Austin!
- Don't smack my bottom, Mommy!Copy !req
841. Sorry, love.Copy !req
842. I got stuck in your dirty pillows.Copy !req
843. Let's look at the map.Copy !req
844. Oh, great.Copy !req
845. What's our plan?
According to this map...Copy !req
846. the entire island
is crawling with Dr. Evil's guards.Copy !req
847. I wanna make sure the explosives
didn't get wet, but I can't find them.Copy !req
848. Look in the bottom.Copy !req
849. Okay. I'll dig a little deeper.Copy !req
850. Wow, this bag is really full.Copy !req
851. Just keep digging, darling.Copy !req
852. I'll just feel around for them.Copy !req
853. Good Lord, Austin. What sort of things
do you keep in here?Copy !req
854. Anything that catches my fancy.
My God.Copy !req
855. Give it a good tug.Copy !req
856. Oh. Do we really need this?Copy !req
857. I'll ask you not to open that inside,
thank you very much, okay?Copy !req
858. Oh, my God.Copy !req
859. Oops. It went off.
- Yes.Copy !req
860. It does that from time to time.Copy !req
861. Ugh! Yuck.Copy !req
862. Yeah, that's nasty.Copy !req
863. Yeah, sorry about that.Copy !req
864. Smelly.Copy !req
865. These people make me sick.Copy !req
866. Can you snap me a beer?Copy !req
867. Ah!
What is it?Copy !req
868. It's a gerbil.
How did that get in your bag?Copy !req
869. I don't know.Copy !req
870. Dr. Evil.Copy !req
871. We have a problem.
Austin Powers is on the island.Copy !req
872. Bring him to me...Copy !req
873. alive.Copy !req
874. You.Copy !req
875. Hit it!
This is a very sensitive subject.Copy !req
876. Yeah.Copy !req
877. From the moment I heard Frau
Say I had a cloneCopy !req
878. I knew that I'd be safe
'Cause I'd never be aloneCopy !req
879. An evil doctor shouldn't speak
Aloud about his feelingsCopy !req
880. My hurt and my pain
Don't make me too appealingCopy !req
881. I'd hoped Scott would look up to meCopy !req
882. Run the business of the familyCopy !req
883. Head an evil empire
Just like his dear old dadCopy !req
884. Give him my love
And the things I never hadCopy !req
885. Scott would think I was a cool guyCopy !req
886. Return the love I have
Make me want to cryCopy !req
887. Be evil but have my feelings tooCopy !req
888. Change my life with Oprah
And Maya AngelouCopy !req
889. But Scott rejected me
C'est la vieCopy !req
890. Life is cruel
Treat you unfairlyCopy !req
891. Even so
A God there must beCopy !req
892. Mini-Me, you complete meCopy !req
893. YeahCopy !req
894. Just me and youCopy !req
895. You and ICopy !req
896. You've got this packed really tight.Copy !req
897. Are you okay?Copy !req
898. Yeah, I just got a bit of a back cramp,
that's all.Copy !req
899. Just keep packing it in.Copy !req
900. God.Copy !req
901. I found the explosives.
Help me check them.Copy !req
902. You're surrounded!
Drop your weapons!Copy !req
903. Hands up!Copy !req
904. Move out!Copy !req
905. Ladies and gentlemen,
in just a few moments...Copy !req
906. we're gonna place a giant "laser"
on the moon.Copy !req
907. From my "death star,"
I will destroy every city on the planet.Copy !req
908. Get out of it!Copy !req
909. Mr. Powers, Ms. Shagwell,
welcome to my hollowed-out volcano.Copy !req
910. This is my associate, Fat Bastard.Copy !req
911. Felicity, I think you two may
have already "met."Copy !req
912. Unfortunately.Copy !req
913. Oh, is that all the thanks I get
for the night of hot sex?Copy !req
914. I'm dead sexy.Copy !req
915. You were crap.Copy !req
916. Yes. In your dreams.Copy !req
917. Felicity would never sleep with you.Copy !req
918. Right?Copy !req
919. I did what I had to do. I'm a secret agent.Copy !req
920. What?Copy !req
921. All right, that's enough, Fat Bastard.Copy !req
922. As much as I like seeing Powers
in agony, and I do...Copy !req
923. the thought of you naked is just gross.Copy !req
924. You can't stop me now, Mr. Powers.Copy !req
925. I have your mojo.Copy !req
926. - My mojo...
- And I'm taking it with me to the moon.Copy !req
927. Put them in the jail cell!Copy !req
928. My mojo!
I'll get you, Dr. Evil, I'll get you!Copy !req
929. Oh, look at me,
I'm shaking in my little space boots.Copy !req
930. I want my mojo!Copy !req
931. - Give back my mojo! I'll get you, Dr. Evil.
- Great plan, Einstein.Copy !req
932. Well, you're gonna put them in a cell
with one inept guard and they'll escape.Copy !req
933. God, you do this every time.Copy !req
934. You know, Scott...Copy !req
935. I've been a fricking evil doctor...Copy !req
936. for 30 fricking years, okay?Copy !req
937. Cut me some fricking slack.Copy !req
938. You forget, Scott.Copy !req
939. We're in a volcano.Copy !req
940. We're surrounded by liquid-hot magma.Copy !req
941. What are you drawing?Copy !req
942. It's just a goodbye card, that's all.Copy !req
943. It's sweet.Copy !req
944. Hey, back off.
- Get him! Get the baby!Copy !req
945. - Back off!
Simmer down. Simmer down.Copy !req
946. Get in there! Gnaw on him!Copy !req
947. He's my posse.Copy !req
948. Okay.Copy !req
949. You take special care of him.Copy !req
950. He's my special boy.Copy !req
951. Attention.Copy !req
952. Prepare for launch.Copy !req
953. Repeat, all technicians
to launch positions.Copy !req
954. Gentlemen...Copy !req
955. I'm about to go to the moon.Copy !req
956. Initiate prelaunch sequence.Copy !req
957. Main rocket engine ignition...Copy !req
958. Frau. Begin the countdown.Copy !req
959. Five! Four!Copy !req
960. - Three! Two...
- Frau.Copy !req
961. Begin the countdown at 30.Copy !req
962. Thirty!Copy !req
963. Twenty-nine, 28, 27...Copy !req
964. twenty-six, 25...Copy !req
965. twenty-four, 23...Copy !req
966. twenty-two, 21...Copy !req
967. twenty, 19...Copy !req
968. eighteen...Copy !req
969. seventeen, 16...Copy !req
970. fifteen, 14, 13...Copy !req
971. You know what?
When the doors close, just say "go." Better.Copy !req
972. Go!Copy !req
973. Colonel, you better take a look
at this radar.Copy !req
974. What is it, son?Copy !req
975. I don't know, sir,
but it looks like a giant...Copy !req
976. - Dick.
Yeah?Copy !req
977. Take a look out of starboard.Copy !req
978. Oh, my God! It looks like a huge...Copy !req
979. - Pecker!
- Where?Copy !req
980. Wait, that's not a woodpecker.
It looks like someone's...Copy !req
981. Privates!Copy !req
982. We have reports
of an unidentified flying object!Copy !req
983. It is a long, smooth shaft,
complete with...Copy !req
984. Two balls!Copy !req
985. What is that?Copy !req
986. That looks just like an enormous...Copy !req
987. Wang! Pay attention.Copy !req
988. I was distracted by that enormous flying...Copy !req
989. - Willie.
- Yeah?Copy !req
990. What's that?Copy !req
991. Well, it looks like a giant...Copy !req
992. - Johnson.
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
993. Get on the horn to British intelligence
and let them know about this.Copy !req
994. What do we do?Copy !req
995. Why don't you just shag
Fat Bastard again?Copy !req
996. Austin, this is no time to get jealous.Copy !req
997. - Well, how could you do it?
- I was just doing my job.Copy !req
998. No, I mean literally. How could you do it?Copy !req
999. The man's so fat, the sheer mechanics
of it are mind-boggling.Copy !req
1000. Look, don't try to lay your hang-ups on me
just because you lost your mojo.Copy !req
1001. Ouch, baby.Copy !req
1002. Very ouch.Copy !req
1003. Look, Austin, we're running out of time.Copy !req
1004. I'm sorry.Copy !req
1005. I just did what I thought you would do
in the same situation.Copy !req
1006. You're the reason that I became a spy.Copy !req
1007. I thought that I wanted to be you...Copy !req
1008. but then I realized...Copy !req
1009. that I wanna be with you.Copy !req
1010. You do?Copy !req
1011. Yeah.Copy !req
1012. Hang on, baby.Copy !req
1013. Ally-oop!Copy !req
1014. Look, maybe we
should talk about this later.Copy !req
1015. We need to get past that inept guard.Copy !req
1016. Right. Here's the plan.Copy !req
1017. I pretend to be desperately ill
with food poisoning.Copy !req
1018. The guard, drawn by my cries of pain,
comes to investigate.Copy !req
1019. Meanwhile, you dig a pit...Copy !req
1020. line it with punji sticks
made from sharpened toothbrushes.Copy !req
1021. The guard falls in, Bob's your uncle,
we escape. What do you think?Copy !req
1022. That might work, but what about this?Copy !req
1023. - What do you think of these, my man?
- Mommy!Copy !req
1024. What a burn.Copy !req
1025. That sort of thing could get a man...Copy !req
1026. fired.Copy !req
1027. I think he was hot...Copy !req
1028. for you.Copy !req
1029. - That's enough.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1030. Ladies and gentlemen...Copy !req
1031. welcome to my moon base.Copy !req
1032. You've all been chosen
to be part of my elite moon unit...Copy !req
1033. which is divided into two divisions:Copy !req
1034. Moon Unit Alpha and Moon Unit Zappa.Copy !req
1035. In exactly six hours, the moon
will move in its orbit around the Earth...Copy !req
1036. bringing Washington, D. C...Copy !req
1037. within range of my giant "laser."Copy !req
1038. Begin "laser" ignition sequence.Copy !req
1039. Begin laser ignition!Copy !req
1040. Attention.
Moon Unit Zappa to firing stations.Copy !req
1041. Initiation sequence in progress.Copy !req
1042. Okay. All right.Copy !req
1043. Gravity boost to EMS.
Steady at full power.Copy !req
1044. All I asked for
was a fricking rotating chair, okay?Copy !req
1045. Oh, okay.Copy !req
1046. Okay, okay. Getting a little afraid.Copy !req
1047. I need an old priest and a young priest.Copy !req
1048. The power of Christ compels you!Copy !req
1049. The power of Christ compels you!
Whoa, hello.Copy !req
1050. Okay. Sick as a dog now.Copy !req
1051. - Okay. Okay.
Get him a bucket.Copy !req
1052. Gonna vom.Copy !req
1053. We need to hitch a ride
to the moon, baby.Copy !req
1054. Apollo 11 is good to go.
Crew to all stations.Copy !req
1055. We will have liftoff
in T-minus five seconds. Four...Copy !req
1056. three... two...Copy !req
1057. We have liftoff!Copy !req
1058. Apollo 11 has cleared the tower
and is heading for...Copy !req
1059. a rendezvous with the moon.Copy !req
1060. Arm the "laser."Copy !req
1061. Arming the laser!Copy !req
1062. Attention, arming the death star.Copy !req
1063. - Battle stations.
Laser armed!Copy !req
1064. All crew prepare for ready battle stations.Copy !req
1065. Get me the president.Copy !req
1066. You're gonna like this part, Mini-Me.Copy !req
1067. This is the part
where we threaten the world leader.Copy !req
1068. I know we do it every time.
However, it is important to...Copy !req
1069. Mini-Me?Copy !req
1070. Mini-Me, where are you?Copy !req
1071. Can someone put a fricking bell on him
or something?Copy !req
1072. Great.Copy !req
1073. Somebody get the stick.Copy !req
1074. Just grab on to the hook, all right?Copy !req
1075. You complete me.Copy !req
1076. I love you.Copy !req
1077. Hang in there, Mini-Me.Copy !req
1078. If anything should happen to you,
I don't know what I would do.Copy !req
1079. I'd probably move on
and get another replica...Copy !req
1080. but there'd be a 10-minute period there
when I would just be inconsolable.Copy !req
1081. We have your money, but it wasn't easy.Copy !req
1082. Papa has to do some work, okay?Copy !req
1083. Well, you have exactly 30 minutes
to get it to me.Copy !req
1084. Jiminy German Jesus!Copy !req
1085. I can't believe
we're gonna pay that madman.Copy !req
1086. I got nukes out the yin-yang.
Just let me launch one, for chrissake!Copy !req
1087. Sir! Are you suggesting
that we blow up the moon?Copy !req
1088. Would you miss it?Copy !req
1089. Mission control...Copy !req
1090. the swinger has landed, yeah.Copy !req
1091. Airlock open.Copy !req
1092. Repressurize.Copy !req
1093. - Let's find Dr. Evil.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1094. Enjoy your stay on the moon.Copy !req
1095. Hello, hello.Copy !req
1096. There he is.Copy !req
1097. - I'll cover your rear.
- No, you go ahead.Copy !req
1098. This time, it's personal.Copy !req
1099. No more! I can't take it anymore!Copy !req
1100. Peace?Copy !req
1101. You brought my glasses.
Bless your little heart.Copy !req
1102. That's not right, that's...Copy !req
1103. Oh, don't, that's just... Now I'm pissed!Copy !req
1104. Judo flip!Copy !req
1105. Poor little bugger.Copy !req
1106. He's so small.Copy !req
1107. He's like a dog or something.Copy !req
1108. Poor little bugger.Copy !req
1109. Get off! Off!Copy !req
1110. Okay.Copy !req
1111. Oh! Oh! Get out of my suit!Copy !req
1112. It tickles. Oh, it tickles. No.Copy !req
1113. Gotcha.Copy !req
1114. Poor little bugger.Copy !req
1115. I salute you.Copy !req
1116. All right, slap-head.Copy !req
1117. Turn around.Copy !req
1118. Where's my mojo?Copy !req
1119. Well, it looks like you have a choice,
Mr.Copy !req
1120. Save the world...Copy !req
1121. or save your girlfriend.Copy !req
1122. - Austin!
- Felicity!Copy !req
1123. Don't worry about me, Austin!Copy !req
1124. You've gotta save the world!Copy !req
1125. Kill him!Copy !req
1126. Fire the "laser"!Copy !req
1127. Target locking.Copy !req
1128. Laser set to full fatality.Copy !req
1129. Judo kick!Copy !req
1130. Target missed.
Mojo in trouble now.Copy !req
1131. You may have won the battle, Mr. Powers,
but you lost the war.Copy !req
1132. No! No, no!Copy !req
1133. Felicity! Wake up, Felicity, wake up!Copy !req
1134. I love you, Felicity.Copy !req
1135. I love you.Copy !req
1136. Dr. Evil! I'll kill him!Copy !req
1137. Gotcha!Copy !req
1138. Ow! You shot me, you A-hole.Copy !req
1139. And now I'm going to kill you.Copy !req
1140. Before you do that...Copy !req
1141. know this:Copy !req
1142. Austin...Copy !req
1143. I am your father.Copy !req
1144. Really?Copy !req
1145. No, not really. I can't back that up.Copy !req
1146. Right. Idiot. Yes.Copy !req
1147. But isn't it interesting, Mr. Powers,
that you would rather kill me...Copy !req
1148. than save your precious Felicity?Copy !req
1149. What do you mean?Copy !req
1150. Remember, there's a time portal
in the main chamber.Copy !req
1151. You could go back and save her.Copy !req
1152. I'll do that.Copy !req
1153. Felicity!Copy !req
1154. Good work.Copy !req
1155. Good work!Copy !req
1156. Good work!Copy !req
1157. Well, it looks like you have a choice,
Mr.Copy !req
1158. Save the world...Copy !req
1159. or save your girlfriend.Copy !req
1160. - Austin!
- Felicity!Copy !req
1161. Don't worry about me, Austin!
You've gotta save the world!Copy !req
1162. I choose love, baby!Copy !req
1163. Wait a tick.Copy !req
1164. - Who are you?
- I'm you, ten minutes from now.Copy !req
1165. Damn it, you are handsome.Copy !req
1166. I was just thinking the same.Copy !req
1167. We are sexy.Copy !req
1168. We are sexy bitches, yeah.Copy !req
1169. All right, this is ri-goddamn-diculous.
Kill them both!Copy !req
1170. Fire the "laser."Copy !req
1171. Thank you.Copy !req
1172. Fire the "laser"!Copy !req
1173. Listen, Past Austin.Copy !req
1174. Can you save the world
while I go get the girl?Copy !req
1175. Sure, Austin-From-10-Minutes-From-Now.Copy !req
1176. Target locking.Copy !req
1177. Laser set to full fatality.Copy !req
1178. Ah! Target missed.Copy !req
1179. Come on, come on.
You're all right. Yeah, come on.Copy !req
1180. - You all right? Are you okay?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1181. Say, what's the policy on ménage à trois?Copy !req
1182. You are adorable.Copy !req
1183. Yes.Copy !req
1184. Looking for this, Mr. Powers?Copy !req
1185. My mojo.Copy !req
1186. Self-destruct in two minutes and counting.Copy !req
1187. - No!
- No!Copy !req
1188. Watch out!Copy !req
1189. See you in hell, Powers!Copy !req
1190. No, my...Copy !req
1191. Okay,
Austin-From-10-Minutes-From-Now.Copy !req
1192. This place is gonna blow!
Let's go! Come on!Copy !req
1193. Self-destruct in 30 seconds and counting.Copy !req
1194. - Twenty-nine.
- No!Copy !req
1195. - Let's go!
- No! My mojo!Copy !req
1196. - We have to go now!
- My mojo! I'm useless without it!Copy !req
1197. - You don't need it, you've had it all along.
- What do you mean?Copy !req
1198. You defeated Dr. Evil, saved the world,
and, believe me, you're gonna get the girl.Copy !req
1199. Well.Copy !req
1200. Yeah. All right, then. Maybe later.
Yeah, come on.Copy !req
1201. Go!Copy !req
1202. I'll set the controls for 1967.Copy !req
1203. Felicity, why don't you come with me
to 1999?Copy !req
1204. Well, I don't know.
The '60s were just so groovy.Copy !req
1205. I wanna to see what happens
in the '70s and '80s.Copy !req
1206. The '70s and the '80s?Copy !req
1207. You're not missing anything.
I looked into it.Copy !req
1208. There's a gas shortage
and A Flock of Seagulls. That's about it.Copy !req
1209. Let's go!Copy !req
1210. I love you, Austin Powers.Copy !req
1211. And I love you, Felicity Shagwell.Copy !req
1212. Wherever we go...Copy !req
1213. There we are.Copy !req
1214. Special delivery.Copy !req
1215. Ah! Surprise, surprise!Copy !req
1216. Listen, missy.Copy !req
1217. Do you fancy another go?Copy !req
1218. Because once you've had fat,
you never go back.Copy !req
1219. You shut your mouth, you bastard...Copy !req
1220. who is fat.Copy !req
1221. That's right, yeah.Copy !req
1222. Before you kill us,
let me ask you one question:Copy !req
1223. - Are you happy?
- What kind of stupid-ass question is that?Copy !req
1224. I'm rich and I'm dead sexy!Copy !req
1225. Yeah.Copy !req
1226. Well, you didn't answer my question.
Are you happy?Copy !req
1227. Of course I'm not happy.Copy !req
1228. Look at me. I'm a big, fat slob.Copy !req
1229. I've got bigger titties than you do.Copy !req
1230. I've got more chins
than a Chinese phone book!Copy !req
1231. I've not seen my willy in two years...Copy !req
1232. which is long enough
to declare it legally dead!Copy !req
1233. I can't stop eating.Copy !req
1234. I eat because I'm unhappy.Copy !req
1235. And I'm unhappy because I eat.Copy !req
1236. It's a vicious cycle.Copy !req
1237. If you'll excuse me...Copy !req
1238. there's someone I have
to get in touch with and forgive.Copy !req
1239. Myself.Copy !req
1240. Oh, God.Copy !req
1241. Sorry. I farted.Copy !req
1242. It's a long road ahead.Copy !req
1243. Oh, who am I kidding?Copy !req
1244. I'm gonna kill you anyway.Copy !req
1245. Judo chop!Copy !req
1246. Right in the mommy-daddy button!Copy !req
1247. That's for calling me crap, you fatty.Copy !req
1248. Listen, baby,
I don't care if he is a fat bastard.Copy !req
1249. You don't give a man a shot in the pills.
It's just not cricket.Copy !req
1250. Do you think I'll be happy
here in the '90s?Copy !req
1251. Well, I know the '90s
might sound boring...Copy !req
1252. but as far as I'm concerned...Copy !req
1253. I've brought the best part of the '60s
back with me:Copy !req
1254. You.Copy !req
1255. - Wait a minute.
- Where are you going?Copy !req
1256. Did we get Dr. Evil?Copy !req
1257. No, sir. He got away in that rocket
that looks like a huge...Copy !req
1258. Penis. The male reproductive organ.Copy !req
1259. Also known as tallywhacker, schlong or...Copy !req
1260. Wiener?Copy !req
1261. Any of you kids want another wiener?Copy !req
1262. Dad, what's that?Copy !req
1263. I don't know, son, but it's got great big...Copy !req
1264. Nuts! Hot, salty nuts!
Who wants some...?Copy !req
1265. Lord almighty!Copy !req
1266. That looks just like my husband's...Copy !req
1267. One-eyed monster!
Step right up and see the one-eyed monster!Copy !req
1268. Hey, what's that? It looks like a big...Copy !req
1269. Woody?Copy !req
1270. Woody Harrelson?
Can I have your autograph?Copy !req
1271. Sure, no problem.Copy !req
1272. Oh, my Lord! Look at that thing.Copy !req
1273. It's so big.Copy !req
1274. I've seen bigger. That's...Copy !req
1275. Just a little prick.Copy !req
1276. It's a flu shot.Copy !req
1277. You've been in the coldness of space.
I don't want you to get sick.Copy !req
1278. It's one thing to attack me.
It's quite another to attack my Mini-Me.Copy !req
1279. I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers.Copy !req
1280. I'm gonna get you.Copy !req
1281. Thank you.Copy !req
1282. We're doing a follow-up to a segment
we did several months ago...Copy !req
1283. on fathers who are trying
to take over the world.Copy !req
1284. Let's begin with Scott Evil.Copy !req
1285. What's going on with your dad?Copy !req
1286. Well, my dad tried to take over the world
with a giant laser on the moon.Copy !req
1287. I know.Copy !req
1288. - Well, Scott, we have a surprise for you.
- What? My dad?Copy !req
1289. No, it's not your father. It's your mother.Copy !req
1290. Come on out.Copy !req
1291. Mom, mom, mom.Copy !req
1292. Mom, mom, mom.Copy !req
1293. Mom?Copy !req
1294. Scott, you are my love child
with Dr. Evil.Copy !req
1295. I thought I was a test-tube baby.Copy !req
1296. He lies. All lies!Copy !req
1297. I love you, Mom.Copy !req
1298. I love you too, son.Copy !req
1299. Thank you.Copy !req
1300. You know,
what have we learned here today?Copy !req
1301. Perhaps it's that no one
can take your mojo.Copy !req
1302. You can look around...Copy !req
1303. but what you're really trying to find
is on the inside.Copy !req
1304. Take care of yourself, and each other.Copy !req
1305. I think I'm going to like it in the '90s.Copy !req
1306. I never knew it could be this way.
Oh, baby! Baby, baby!Copy !req
1307. Oh, no.Copy !req
1308. - Oh, that's good.
- Felicity.Copy !req
1309. - Austin?
- How could you?Copy !req
1310. I thought that...Copy !req
1311. Past Austin?Copy !req
1312. Technically, it's not cheating, baby.Copy !req
1313. Well, Felicity, I can't blame you.Copy !req
1314. The man is handsome, baby.Copy !req
1315. We're just plain handsome, man.Copy !req
1316. Am I wrong,
but this makes me horny, baby?Copy !req
1317. Very randy!Copy !req
1318. Well, one thing's for sure:
I've got my mojo back.Copy !req
1319. Oh, yes, yes, yes. It's definitely back.Copy !req
1320. Hello, you all right?Copy !req
1321. Me spuds are boiling.Copy !req
1322. Come on, darling, let's hop on
the good foot and do the bad thing.Copy !req
1323. Paging Dr. Freud.Copy !req
1324. Hello, up there. Is the movie over?Copy !req
1325. I'm still down here
and I'm still in quite a lot of pain.Copy !req
1326. Maybe someone in the lobby
could call an ambulance.Copy !req
1327. Oh! The pain is really quite severe.Copy !req
1328. I've fashioned a makeshift splint.
Here goes nothing.Copy !req