Attack of the Killer Donuts (2016)

1. Johnny, you're going to be late for work, again!

2. I'm up, Mom!

3. Good morning, gorgeous.

4. - Good morning. - Hmm.

5. Or should I say good afternoon?

6. Whoo! Bacon. I love bacon.

7. And Mama loves you.

8. John Blake Wentworth,

9. how many times have I told you to cut the grass?

10. It's a jungle out there!

11. I promise I'll cut it tomorrow.

12. Fo' sho.

13. Tomorrow, tomorrow.

14. You're almost a grown man.

15. And I'm late for work.

16. Who's the most beautiful mother in all of Shady Grove? Hmm?

17. Who it is? I think it's you.

18. Who is that? "It's my mom. My mom is."

19. Okay, how much?

20. What?

21. I mean it.

22. 50 bucks?

23. For someone that works as much as you do,

24. how come you're always so broke?

25. It's Veronica. She's...

26. She has expensive tastes.

27. She should get a job, like Michelle.

28. Michelle, she's like a friend from grade school, okay?

29. - Veronica is hot. - Michelle is perfect for you.

30. Veronica's great, and she's crazy about me.

31. Of course she's crazy about you.

32. You shower her with attention and money all the time.

33. No, it's not like that. She's a really sweet girl.

34. You'll see.

35. Okay. When do I get to meet her?

36. Uh, you'll get to meet her very soon.

37. She's just a...

38. - She's just a really shy girl. - Mm-hmm.

39. - Here you go. - Thank you.

40. Have you seen my tablet?

41. No. Did you ask your Uncle Luther?

42. - Luther? - You be nice to your uncle.

43. He's a misunderstood genius.

44. All right, Pelosi.

45. We're going to make history.

46. Don't worry. This won't hurt a bit...

47. because you're dead.

48. And if you weren't, it'll hurt like a motherfucker.

49. Here we go.

50. Shit, shit, shit!

51. Pelosi! No! No!

52. You may not eat Mini, you bitch.

53. Back, you...

54. Uncle Luther?

55. Uncle Luther, open up!

56. Bitch!

57. Uncle Luther, do you have chick in there? What's going on?

58. Uncle Luther, what's going on? Do you have my tablet?

59. I've done it.

60. I've made the greatest discovery of the 21st century.

61. Jeez, man, didn't you hear me calling you?

62. Please never enter my lair when the door is locked.

63. Oh, there it is.

64. - No, I need that. - Man, what did you do?

65. I'm late. I gotta go.

66. No, wait!

67. You're gonna ruin my greatest hour.

68. Cool. Thanks.

69. - Hey. - What?

70. I told you I needed that laptop done by this morning.

71. So imagine my surprise when I come downstairs

72. and see it still sitting there, untouched.

73. Well, it's not like I wasn't working.

74. Serving donuts, not exactly a flourishing career move.

75. Neither is lying and getting paid for it.

76. - I'm not lying. - Really?

77. Really. People bring me their broken shit,

78. they pay me, they pick it up fixed.

79. - Not by you. - Who cares?

80. Me! The person who's not getting paid for the work.

81. - I pay you. - Is it invisible money?

82. - It's wear and tear. - Huh?

83. I drive you to work.

84. Half the time, I'm late.

85. That's not the point.

86. And the other half,

87. you make me take the bus at night.

88. Also not the point.

89. Then what is the point of this conversation

90. other than you're making me late right now?

91. Uh, the point of this conversation is...

92. I do something for you, you do something for me.

93. I fix your computers while you lie and say you do.

94. - That's something. - You didn't fix the laptop.

95. Well, it's not going to happen right now.

96. When?

97. After work.

98. - Tonight. - Fine.

99. I'm not driving you tomorrow if you don't do it.

100. - Really? - Really.

101. What's next, you're gonna tell Mom?

102. You sassing me is not helping the situation.

103. How about I walk from now on, and you fix your own computers?

104. Okay, that's how you want to play it?

105. - Yes. - You're bluffing, but cool.

106. - Okay, hey, hey, shh.

107. Let's just chill.

108. Breathe it out.

109. Always the loving brother.

110. Thank you.

111. I was being sarcastic.

112. I know.

113. - Dick. - Bitch.

114. Nice of you to make it, sunshine.

115. This thing is ruined.

116. Hold your water, Nancy. I got it.

117. No, it's useless.

118. My stupid uncle.

119. Here you go.

120. What the—

121. How did you—

122. I got the skills that pay the bills, baby.

123. Damn.

124. It stinks. Did you take out the garbage?

125. I was a little busy, what with being the only one here and all.

126. Sorry. I'm just having a—

127. Whatever.

128. I'll take it out.

129. I'll help you.

130. You shouldn't leave the store. What if we get a customer?

131. Yeah, right. We haven't had a customer in days.

132. It's just slow right now. It'll pick up.

133. I don't know how Cliff manages to stay in business.

134. Easy. He pays us crappy wages

135. and cuts every corner imaginable.

136. - Johnny. - Hey, babe.

137. I've been looking all over for you.

138. Great, princess. Spread your legs.

139. Come on, babe, you know I work the late shift.

140. Yeah, of course.

141. Johnny, we have to get back to work.

142. Hey, you should come inside.

143. I can't. I'm in a rush.

144. Who's the dude?

145. Oh, that's Bobby. He's just giving me a ride.

146. I'll bet he is.

147. What did you say?

148. Nothing. I'm going back inside.

149. I'll leave you two lovebirds alone.

150. Thanks, Michelle.

151. Bye, Michelle.

152. Weird. I don't think your friend likes me very much.

153. No, Michelle's great. She—

154. Okay, whatevs. Dude, look, I need money.

155. Baby, I just gave you money yesterday.

156. I know, but you work late,

157. and you leave me at home all by myself.

158. What am I supposed to do?

159. Whoa! What about my kiss?

160. Babe, let's go! I ain't got time!

161. I'm on house arrest!

162. Did he just call you "babe?"

163. No! Don't be silly.

164. Oh, hi, Johnny.

165. Hey, Mrs. S. How are you today?

166. Just peachy.

167. I'm going to treat myself to one of these delicious jelly donuts.

168. Oh, look at that one. It has a tongue.

169. I've been working extra hard on my diet,

170. and today is my cheat day.

171. We'll be happy to take care of that for you.

172. Great.

173. Here comes trouble.

174. Oh, no.

175. - I'm here for the device. - Uncle Luther, I'm working.

176. Where is it?

177. I don't want to use salty language in front of the lady.

178. Oh, my.

179. - Oh! - Oh.

180. Ohh! I told you not to come back.

181. I'm here to speak with my nephew.

182. And I said get out.

183. I don't want your kind in my classy eating establishment.

184. Yeah, this place screams class.

185. Cliff, Luther is my uncle.

186. He's one of the few paying customers we have.

187. I told you not to let him back in my store.

188. - It's mine! - What are you doing?

189. Help me, Michelle!

190. Unhand me, you ruffian!

191. Help! Police!

192. - Help me! - Johnny! Michelle!

193. Unhand me, you ruffian! Unhand me, you ruffian!

194. - You going in there? - Nope.

195. - You? - I'm good.

196. You bastard! Help me!

197. Police! Help!

198. Help! Police!

199. Attica! Attica!

200. It's mine!

201. It's mine!

202. Well, you two are useless.

203. I get assaulted,

204. and you sit there and you do nothing!

205. Someone has to watch the fryer at all times.

206. Rule number three in the Dandy Donut safety manual.

207. You're just gonna put that back, huh?

208. I'll be in my office.

209. I'm not hungry.

210. But it's donuts. It's free donuts.

211. You know I don't take freebies, Fred.

212. You gotta lighten up just a little bit.

213. What about the perp?

214. Don't mind me. I'll wait here.

215. Free donuts!

216. Are my donuts ready, dear?

217. Here you go. A dozen for the wait.

218. Oh, no. I only asked for one.

219. Go for it. You earned it. It's your cheat day.

220. Well, if you insist.

221. Thanks, kids!

222. Excuse me.

223. Good evening, officers.

224. What's up, kids?

225. We have a fresh batch of glazed.

226. We can't wait. We got a perp in the car.

227. You better hurry. This man wants some donuts.

228. How about a cup of fresh coffee?

229. Actually, we'll just settle for a cup of yours.

230. Good one.

231. I tell you what. It's on the house.

232. I like your style, kid.

233. - Moonlight special?

234. That's funny.

235. I can't believe you like our coffee.

236. Ah, I don't, really.

237. It just...

238. keeps me regular.

239. Well, anything for Shady Grove's finest.

240. Thank you.

241. And how about a free box of glazed?

242. My favorite kind.

243. - Thanks, kids! - Have a good evening, kids.

244. - See ya. - Bye.

245. Did you miss us?

246. Oh, donuts! Can I get one?

247. Shut up. There's no eating in the car.

248. Whoa! You're not gonna let me have a donut?

249. No crumbs in the seat.

250. Come on, can I get a donut?

251. - No! - Please?

252. You're not gonna let him have a donut?

253. All right, fine.

254. We've broken all the rules today, why stop now?

255. Hah! It's your lucky day.

256. Nice. That looks good.

257. Ooh, nice.

258. Mmm!

259. That acid is kicking in.

260. Damn, he was hungry.

261. - Whiskers McFur.

262. We've been waiting for this all week.

263. Ohh...

264. Come to mama, boys.

265. Man, you look terrible.

266. I'm not feeling too good.

267. If you hurl in this car, I'm gonna—

268. - What is that? - I'm gonna hurl in this car.

269. Wait till we get to the station.

270. Station? This guy's gonna explode back there.

271. Keep it together!

272. - What the—

273. Here you go.

274. Thank you, my good man. And put it on my tab.

275. Of course.

276. Do you smell patchouli?

277. Greetings, kids.

278. Is Clifford available?

279. Sure thing. I'll get him.

280. - Can I get you anything? - Oh, no.

281. I wouldn't be caught dead eating here.

282. I mean, I have a very strict, gluten-free, Paleo vegan diet.

283. Flannigan, what do you want? I'm very busy.

284. I just wanted to show you my latest creation.

285. Lucky me. What is it?

286. Open it, you silly goose.

287. It's Fertile Soil's latest addition to the menu.

288. Behold.

289. Circular bliss.

290. - It looks like a tiny donut. - What gives, Flannigan?

291. It's a tiny round donut.

292. It is a tiny round donut, you boob.

293. Where do you think I get the word "circular" from?

294. So what's the big deal?

295. The big deal, my uncouth compadre,

296. is that it's made from the freshest, certified organic,

297. gluten-free, fat-free ingredients.

298. Nothing less for my customers.

299. Good luck with that. Anything else?

300. Oh, the best part.

301. 3.50 retail.

302. Apiece?

303. You won't even sell one, you moron!

304. Actually, my halitosis-inflicted competitor,

305. three dozen sold this morning.

306. Seriously, dude?

307. Well, just cause it has all those healthy ingredients

308. doesn't mean it necessarily tastes good.

309. Try it. I dare you.

310. I'm all set, thanks.

311. You're not willing to admit defeat?

312. - Not into hippy food. - I'll try it.

313. Michelle—

314. What are you doing?

315. - Don't eat that, Michelle. - Where is she going?

316. Don't you dare eat— She's eating the donut.

317. She's eat— It's probably terrible.

318. I can feel it tingling all over my body.

319. That's heaven.

320. Flannigan, I want you try our latest concoction.

321. Stay right here.

322. - Hello, Howard. - Hi.

323. Are you ready for my famous macaroni and cheese with bacon?

324. Y-Yes.

325. Well, why are you standing there? Come in.

326. What is it?

327. Well, I call it the "douche-nut."

328. It's our new free range, whole wheat, 100% sugar-free donut.

329. It looks like a regular donut.

330. Impressive, ain't it?

331. Go ahead, I dare you.

332. Actually, I'm gonna have you bag that up for me.

333. I'll take it home. I'll have it later.

334. I just don't want to ruin my dinner.

335. Johnny, bag up Mr. Flannigan's douche-nut to go.

336. - You got it, boss. - Thank you.

337. What's a douche-nut?

338. It's just a regular sugar donut.

339. Gross.

340. Here you are, Mr. Flannigan.

341. Thank you so much. You're so kind.

342. I would love, love, love to stay around

343. and chitchat with you all day,

344. perhaps catch some salmonella too,

345. but I have a yoga class to go to.

346. Toodles.

347. Goodbye.

348. Good riddance.

349. What?

350. Did you pick up that donut from before?

351. - Which donut? - The one I dropped.

352. Kicked it over here, but it's gone.

353. Maybe Cliff got it.

354. Cliff wouldn't bend over to pick up his mom

355. if she was on the ground.

356. Unless his mom was a quarter.

357. - Can you hear that?

358. Hear what?

359. Heavy breathing.

360. Must be the coffee maker.

361. Hey! What's up?

362. Hey, man.

363. You're in a good mood.

364. Yeah, what's with the silly grin?

365. It's just a beautiful night out, that's all.

366. Dude, you can't be back here.

367. Yeah, go away.

368. We are one!

369. It's fat free, right?

370. Ugh!

371. Oh, my God!

372. It taste like... dog shit.

373. Oh, God.

374. So much smoother with the lotion.

375. So much smoother with the lotion.

376. Oh, shit.

377. Fred, wake up.

378. I'm up, I'm up.

379. The perp is gone.

380. What?

381. What the hell happened?

382. Shit. This is—

383. Give me that! What are you doing?

384. - I'm calling it in! - Are you crazy?

385. You can't just announce to everybody we lost the perp.

386. - It's procedure. - We will lose our jobs!

387. A dangerous man's out there. We gotta tell somebody—

388. Stop talking, stop talking. Let's go find the perp.

389. All right. All right.

390. Damn.

391. Shit. Get the door, Fred.

392. Forget the door! Let's find the perp!

393. - You gotta do the double move. - What?

394. The double move.

395. The double move. Get up, let me show you.

396. Why does he always hang out here?

397. Keep it down. He'll hear you.

398. So?

399. So it'll hurt his feelings.

400. He doesn't have many friends.

401. Many or any?

402. Fine.

403. I'm his only friend.

404. He only comes here because he has nowhere else to go.

405. What about his house?

406. - His parents have a sweet pad. - Have you been inside?

407. The place is like a museum.

408. You have to take your shoes off at the door,

409. and you can't touch anything.

410. His dad's always working,

411. and his mom pops zanies like they're bonbons.

412. I didn't know.

413. He comes to my house even if I'm not there.

414. - What? - Hangs out with my mom.

415. Dude, that's weird.

416. She has a soft spot for him.

417. So is Veronica your girlfriend?

418. That's out of nowhere.

419. I'm just curious because I never see you guys together,

420. except when she's in here asking you for money.

421. She doesn't always ask for money.

422. She comes to see me.

423. Whatever.

424. She's my girlfriend, all right?

425. Fine.

426. She's just a private person.

427. If you insist.

428. Veronica doesn't like public displays of affection.

429. - Why'd you stop?

430. Why can't we just go to your place?

431. My brother's at home.

432. Besides, I'm crazy about you, babe.

433. - You're the clam in my chowder. - Oh, Bobby.

434. You're so romantic!

435. This can't be happening.

436. - Help me, Michelle! - Unhand me, you ruffian!

437. Help! Police! Unhand me!

438. The donut shop.

439. Welcome to Dandy Donuts. How can I help you?

440. We're here for the free donuts.

441. Try the dumpster out back.

442. Come on, show us the goods.

443. Show me the money.

444. He means your tatas.

445. Yeah, show us your boobs.

446. Guys, I don't want any trouble, so why don't you just order?

447. That's right, you don't want any trouble.

448. Tell you what. Why don't you go blow yourself?

449. I'm sure you have lots of practice.

450. Slammed!

451. Dude, she totally dissed you.

452. Wise ass, huh?

453. Little bit.

454. Maybe you just have the hots for me,

455. and you want a taste.

456. I just threw up in my mouth.

457. Dude, slammed, again.

458. She's totally owning you, Conrad.

459. Either order or— Did you say "Conrad?"

460. Do they call you "Connie" for short? That's cute.

461. - Connie. - Connie!

462. You're making look bad in front of my boys, bitch.

463. What did you say?

464. Are you the manager?

465. This bitch is giving me lip.

466. Dude, call her that again, and we're gonna have a problem.

467. Oh, yeah?

468. Everyone is giving you lip today, Connie.

469. Shut the hell up!

470. Two hits. Me hitting you, you hitting the floor.

471. - Anytime you're ready, pal. - I'm right here, princess.

472. Come at me!

473. I got your back, bro.

474. Why don't you just get out before we call the cops.

475. You eat me!

476. Banzai!

477. Unbelievable.

478. Cover your eyes, Howard!

479. - Get off me! - Eyes!

480. - What the hell happened here? - This bitch—

481. - Call her bitch one more time— - Johnny, that's enough.

482. Go to the kitchen.

483. They asked me to show them my tatas.

484. I'm a witness.

485. I wrote down my statement.

486. She pepper sprayed me, man.

487. My eyes are burning!

488. - They were rude to Michelle. - Who the hell are you?

489. - I'm Johnny's— - Shut up, you!

490. Michelle, did you pepper spray these customers?

491. Fire on my eyeballs.

492. - Yes, but— - Stop right there.

493. - You're fired. - What?

494. Take that!

495. Yeah, biatch.

496. - What? - You heard me. Get out.

497. Johnny, get these nice young men a box of donuts.

498. But these assholes—

499. I don't care! Just do it!

500. If Michelle goes, I go.

501. - Think, Johnny. - Think nothing.

502. I'm out.

503. Hey, Michelle.

504. Can you take me home?

505. Yeah, of course.

506. I'll meet you at your place.

507. I'm taking Michelle home.

508. I'll just hang with your mom.

509. Oh, isn't that nice?

510. Here you go, kids, on the house.

511. This is bullshit. You'll be hearing from my lawyer.

512. My eyes are still burning, man.

513. Stop bitching already.

514. This place is a dump.

515. I hope you get explosive diarrhea, you filthy animals!

516. "Bulgarian mail order bride dot com."

517. Here I come.

518. Are you okay?

519. I don't know. I just quit my job.

520. Well, it was a crappy job anyway.

521. That was the only crappy job I had.

522. Well, ask for it back. I'm sure Cliff will say yes.

523. Whatever.

524. Seriously, don't quit because of me.

525. I'm not going to let him treat you like that.

526. You've been my friend since the fourth grade.

527. You mean since I beat you up in Miss Marino's class?

528. You're never gonna let that go, are you?

529. Are you kidding? Never.

530. Thank you.

531. Thanks for standing up for me.

532. No one fires Michelle Kester on my watch.

533. No, I mean those jerks.

534. Oh.

535. I don't know what got into me.

536. When that dillweed called you a bitch, I just snapped.

537. Yeah, I know. You went all butch on him.

538. - Yeah, I showed him, right? - Yeah, you showed him.

539. That's the last time I kick someone's ass for you.

540. I remember me doing all the ass kicking.

541. I wiped the floor with that guy.

542. Literally.

543. I'm gonna kill you, man.

544. Hey, my scooter isn't working. Can I get a ride with you guys?

545. What?

546. Dude! My scooter isn't working.

547. What were you guys doing?

548. Ow!

549. - What's the hold up? Get in. - I got shotgun.

550. Mm-mm.

551. Fine! Fine! I'm going in the back.

552. - What's your problem? - Uh, nothing.

553. Want me to drive?

554. - How's that make a difference? - I don't know.

555. I just thought we shake it up a little bit.

556. You're an idiot, Fred.

557. Ouch, Dick. That really hurt.

558. Your mom made bacon mac 'n cheese tonight.

559. Do you just blurt out the first thing that comes to your mind?

560. - Yes, yes I do. - How do you know?

561. I had dinner with her tonight.

562. - Really? - That's nice.

563. Look out!

564. You hit someone!

565. Oh, my God.

566. I hit someone.

567. Oh, this looks bad.

568. He's not moving.

569. Oh, oh, he's alive.

570. Hey, hey, are you all right?

571. - What the—

572. What the hell?

573. That's disgusting.

574. He's wearing handcuffs.

575. Maybe that's the guy that Rogers and Hammerstein

576. arrested earlier.

577. That doesn't look right.

578. You think?

579. Is he a...

580. Is he a zombie?

581. What kinda question is that?

582. Oh, nasty.

583. Ah, that feels better.

584. Holy crap!

585. You ain't kidding.

586. Is he dead?

587. Jesus, Michelle!

588. Well, is he?

589. I don't think he's breathing.

590. Check his vital signs, see if he has a pulse.

591. Maybe he needs CPR.

592. Dude, you check for vitals.

593. Fine.

594. No, he's dead.

595. Great work, guys. Let's get out of here.

596. We can't just leave him in the middle of the road.

597. He's an ex-con who literally just shat himself to death.

598. I'm with Michelle on this one.

599. You're not remotely disturbed by the fact

600. that I just hit this guy with my car at 60 miles an hour,

601. he survived, looked like a zombie,

602. then shat his guts out,

603. glowing green radioactive shit,

604. in case you guys missed that part,

605. before plopping over and dropping dead?

606. No.

607. Just get in the car.

608. What the Sam Hill...

609. I'm starving.

610. Have a donut, man.

611. - Mmm. - Damn, dude, breathe.

612. Hey, man, these things look kinda freaky.

613. They taste fine to me.

614. Whoa.

615. Dude, the donuts just moved.

616. Are you high, Conrad?

617. I'm serious, bro.

618. I don't feel too good.

619. I told you, man.

620. Hey, bro, want me to get you another donut?

621. Yeah, man, don't be a puss.

622. Ah, God, help me!

623. Wh-What happened?

624. Get back, man! Shit could be contagious.

625. Balls on fire, man, balls on fire!

626. I hate donuts.

627. I recognize that car.

628. Is that the douche that was giving Veronica a ride?

629. Can I help you?

630. Where is my girlfriend?

631. Who?

632. Don't play dumb.

633. Johnny, what the hell is this?

634. I should ask you.

635. You know what? I can't do this anymore.

636. You're breaking up with me?

637. Wow. This guy's slow.

638. - Watch it, bitch. - What d'you call me?

639. Enough. Bobby, get in the car.

640. - I'm not done with you. - Anytime, sweetheart.

641. Get in the car!

642. Look, Johnny, I'm not breaking up with you.

643. I know.

644. You love me, babe.

645. Ridiculous.

646. No, I'm not breaking up with you because we were never together.

647. What?

648. Oh, snap!

649. You're a joke, Johnny.

650. I've been fucking Bobby for months.

651. But...

652. I just used you for money.

653. God, you're such a sap!

654. A loser.

655. What, you're not gonna say anything?

656. God, you really are a loser.

657. Well, at least have the balls to say something!

658. Whatever. Let's get it on.

659. - What the hell? - Impossible.

660. What?

661. I don't think this is a good idea.

662. I'm with Howard.

663. Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?

664. This can't be.

665. The donuts are alive and mutated into...

666. Killer donuts.

667. I think my brain just melted.

668. Thank God you have such few customers.

669. Mrs. Scolari!

670. Oh, no.

671. Get in the car.

672. - Huh?

673. - Get in! - You get in.

674. - I'm bigger than you. - Get in the car!

675. We don't have time for this! Just get in.

676. Fine.

677. Seat belt, seat belt, seat belt!

678. Mrs. Scolari!

679. Mrs. Scolari, it's Johnny. Can you hear me?

680. Open up!

681. I don't see her.

682. - This can't be good. - We have to get in there.

683. We have to go around to the side.

684. Okay.

685. - Quick, give me a boost. - Are you crazy?

686. - Do you have a better idea? - Yes! Let's call the police!

687. And tell them what? An army of killer donuts is on the loose?

688. We're wasting time.

689. Okay, it's too dangerous. I'll go.

690. Johnny, she's the lightest one.

691. We give her a boost, she goes up through the window,

692. down the stairs, and lets us in.

693. Exactly.

694. Fine.

695. I've got a bad feeling about this.

696. Martha.

697. - Martha! - What?

698. You're gonna give me a heart attack, woman.

699. What do you want? I'm right here.

700. Those bunch of kids are up to no good.

701. Now call the police.

702. What for? They haven't done anything yet.

703. For the love of Pete, woman.

704. I just saw the girl go in through the second story,

705. and those two hoodlums are downstairs

706. just waiting to rob Mrs. Scolari.

707. Now call the cops.

708. Okeydokey.

709. See, this is what happens when I listen to you.

710. Oh, this is all my fault?

711. There's a criminal on the loose, and it's entirely your fault.

712. Yeah, yeah.

713. Zebra 5, over.

714. - What are you doing? - Shh!

715. Copy that. We're on our way.

716. What are you doing? We gotta find this guy.

717. Man, this guy is already gone, Dick, okay?

718. We can't go back to the station empty-handed.

719. There's a dangerous criminal on the loose.

720. - We gotta find him. - Dangerous criminal?

721. He was polishing his sword behind the sorority house.

722. How dangerous can he be?

723. Mrs. S., are you sleeping?

724. Mrs. Scolari?

725. Are you all right?

726. He, we...

727. - We have to get in there.

728. I'm gonna get out of your way.

729. - Damn. - Ow! Son of a—

730. - Damn. - Dude!

731. Wait! It's tempered glass.

732. It cannot be broken.

733. We have to get in there.

734. - Really?

735. Little help here!

736. - Michelle. - We have to get out of here.

737. What happened?

738. - Mrs. Scolari's dead. - What? How?

739. They ate her. It's horrible.

740. Are you sure it was the donuts?

741. I am 100% sure it was the donuts.

742. How?

743. That.

744. Don't make any sudden moves.

745. Screw this.

746. This way!

747. Get them off me! Get them off me!

748. Howard!

749. Ow-ee!

750. Set it and forget it.

751. About time the cops got here.

752. - Turn around!

753. Down on your knees, slave!

754. Martha, we're not doing Matrix.

755. Tonight is M. Butterfly.

756. Oh, nuts!

757. What is wrong with that girl?

758. Whoa, whoa, whoa!

759. Put your hands in the air and don't move!

760. Any suggestions on how to do that?

761. What are you doing? Put your gun down.

762. Ma'am, come down from the window slowly.

763. Are you freakin' crazy? A little help here!

764. Don't talk back, okay?

765. Don't you dare try to escape. We've got you covered.

766. Winter's coming.

767. There's too many of them. We have to get out of here.

768. Let's go through the side door.

769. All right, now, we need you to come down, all right?

770. And don't try anything crazy.

771. Help!

772. Put your hands in the air and don't move.

773. You said that already.

774. Are you all right? Can you get up?

775. Yeah, don't worry. The ground broke my fall.

776. Hey, you're the girl from the donut shop.

777. Yes, sir.

778. Run!

779. What, are you nuts? You shooting at kids?

780. He had a knife.

781. Kids, drop your weapons and don't move.

782. What's wrong with you two?

783. Mrs. Scolari's dead.

784. How did that happen?

785. You wouldn't believe us if we told you.

786. But believe me, we have to get out of here.

787. Our lives are in danger. They're still in there.

788. Who's still in there?

789. There's murderers in there?

790. We came here to—

791. Yes! There's like ten of them.

792. - Ten murderers in there? - We need to call for backup.

793. There's no time for that! There's ten murderers in there!

794. Crazy son of a bitch is gonna get us killed.

795. Stay here!

796. Let's get out of here.

797. They just told us to stay here.

798. We can't just take off. They'll arrest us.

799. Do you always do what you're told?

800. Yes!

801. Watch out!

802. Call for backup! Call for backup!

803. You're right. Let's boogie!

804. Make up your mind. Go!

805. - Let's get out of here!

806. Martha!

807. Martha, what's gotten into you?

808. It's not Star Wars night.

809. What could possibly cause donuts

810. to become bloodthirsty killers?

811. I have no clue.

812. There has to be a scientific reason.

813. - Donuts don't just— - That's it.

814. What the hell are you doing?

815. - Uncle Luther. - What?

816. Earlier today, Uncle Luther was talking about

817. making the greatest discovery of the 21st century.

818. You think your crazy uncle came up with a reanimation serum?

819. There's only one way to find out.

820. Settle down, Debbie. I will be with you soon enough.

821. Now, now, Debbie, no need to panic.

822. This new antidote should bring you back to normal.

823. Or it'll just kill you again.

824. All right.

825. Come on, Debbie.

826. Come on.

827. Yes.

828. Eureka!

829. I've done it!

830. Oh, you've done it all right, you crazy loon!

831. Johnny, I've told you to never enter my lair—

832. Shut your pie hole.

833. You've turned harmless, tasty donuts into...

834. Killer donuts.

835. What are you talking about?

836. Your serum has contaminated the donuts,

837. and they've come to life.

838. That's impossible. Who are you?

839. Oh, it's possible, all right.

840. They ate Mrs. Scolari

841. and at least three other people we know of.

842. I'm Howard, Johnny's friend.

843. How come I've never seen you around here before?

844. I have dinner here every night.

845. Really?

846. Hey, Dr. Crazy, focus.

847. Yeah, what are we gonna do?

848. Funny you should ask. I've already done it.

849. I've created the antidote.

850. - No way. - Yes, way.

851. Don't you see? Before you is a harmless little gray mouse.

852. - What about it? - A few seconds ago,

853. it was a crazed killer rat.

854. Brilliant.

855. Yes.

856. It looks so normal.

857. Oh, it's taking a nap. How cute.

858. I'd say your serum needs some tweaking.

859. Man, this is bullshit.

860. I don't like it anymore than you do.

861. Who the hell steals a police cruiser?

862. Look, I just want to get our vehicle.

863. It's bad enough we lost the perp tonight.

864. We can't go back to the station without our car.

865. How much further does it say on the GPS?

866. It says two miles.

867. - You wanna switch yet? - Just keep pedaling, jackass.

868. I don't understand. It worked.

869. It changed Debbie back.

870. Yeah, well, Debbie definitely changed.

871. It does work. The rat's dead.

872. You ignorant toad.

873. The point is not to kill the rat again, but to stabilize it.

874. You don't realize what I've done here.

875. You're in the presence of genius.

876. Just give us enough pink stuff so we can kill the donuts.

877. Fine.

878. We don't have to inject it.

879. Can't we just splash them with it?

880. You fool, it has to get into their bloodstream.

881. We're talking about donuts.

882. Donuts don't have a bloodstream.

883. Besides, donuts are made of dough, not organs and skin.

884. If we splash them, it will penetrate the outer layer.

885. So what's the deal?

886. Do we spray these suckers with it or inject them?

887. My dear nephew, this is a very technical question

888. and requires lots of tests and documentation.

889. As you know, the scientific method—

890. - You have no idea, do you? - Nope.

891. It's worth a shot, guys.

892. So how do we find them?

893. Anytime you're looking for bees, you always go to the hive.

894. Huh?

895. Precisely.

896. Ground zero. The point of origin.

897. The donut shop.

898. Great.

899. Howard, grab some pink stuff.

900. Let's go.

901. - I'm going with you. - What?

902. I want to see them for myself.

903. Fine. Let's get out of here.

904. Shotgun.

905. Uh-uh.

906. Nice try, buddy.

907. We have no idea what we're going to face in there.

908. You spray the donuts with the antidote,

909. - if they don't melt— - Or blow up.

910. Yes, or that, then we inject them with this.

911. What if it's too many of them?

912. We take care of them the old-fashioned way.

913. Yeah.

914. You play roller hockey?

915. What if we spray them, and it doesn't work?

916. I will inject them with my syringe.

917. - And if that doesn't work? - We waste 'em!

918. Shit, shit, shit!

919. Waste 'em!

920. Banzai!

921. - This is not working.

922. There's too many of them.

923. It's not working!

924. Holy shit.

925. What are we gonna do?

926. What are we gonna do?

927. The antiserum works. We just don't have enough.

928. Johnny, I've gotta get back to the lab.

929. I'm gonna make more serum.

930. It's the only thing that's gonna save us.

931. We're not gonna make it.

932. Johnny, I have to tell you something.

933. Not now, Howard.

934. I'm in love with your mom.

935. - What? - I knew it.

936. Wait. There's more. We kinda...

937. I had sex with your mom!

938. I'm sorry, man.

939. She's a kind, beautiful, sexually liberated woman.

940. - I think I'm gonna hurl. - Tell her I love her.

941. I'm gonna kill the donuts that are escaping outside.

942. Banzai!

943. - Howard! - Howard, no!

944. Get to the closet. It's our only chance.

945. Oh, hell no!

946. Kids, get the hell out of here!

947. I got sprinkles in my eye!

948. Man down! Man down!

949. - You got any grenades? - Grenades? Oh, God!

950. Does it look like I got grenades?

951. Never mind. Just like 'Nam baby,

952. Hand to hand.

953. - Are you okay? - Yeah, but are you hurt?

954. - Let me see. - It's nothing. It's fine.

955. - Okay, um, now what? - I don't know what.

956. - Think. - You think!

957. You got us here.

958. Your crazy uncle got us here.

959. All right, so we should just throw our arms up in the air and give up.

960. - Is that it? - No. We're not giving up.

961. Great. You, too, in denial.

962. - Why are you so angry at me? - I'm not angry at you.

963. - Then why are you yelling? - Because I'm angry, all right?

964. You wanna know why? Because we are about to become snacks

965. for the freakin' snacks.

966. Or the fact that my mother is sleeping with Howard.

967. - My mother— - Breathe.

968. I'm gonna be a therapist's dream if I get out of here alive.

969. Or not to mention the fact

970. that my imaginary girlfriend was just using me for money.

971. - News flash, Johnny! - That actually bothers me.

972. I am such a loser. I didn't see any of this coming.

973. She brings her boyfriend over this afternoon,

974. and I was just, I was clueless.

975. He called her "babe" right in front of me.

976. - Hey, babe! - You can stop.

977. I just stood there pathetic and believed her!

978. Yeah, I got it.

979. It doesn't bother you that you have such a pathetic friend?

980. You know, the worst part about this is

981. after I'm eaten by my little friends

982. Sprinkles and Glazed out there,

983. my mother will be all alone.

984. No. No, no, no.

985. She won't be alone.

986. You're right.

987. Even after I'm gone, I will always be with her.

988. No. She'll have Howard.

989. I should just open the door and let them eat me.

990. No, Johnny.

991. I would like you very much alive.

992. - Okay. - Okay.

993. Now close your mouth and help me find a way out of this mess.

994. Oh, right. Okay, um...

995. Maybe Luther will come back in time.

996. Even if he makes enough serum,

997. there's no way he'll be back before we're dead.

998. Right. Okay.

999. Hey, hey, I got an idea.

1000. - What? - The gas line.

1001. There's no way we would survive an explosion.

1002. Look, I'm sorry I yelled, okay? I was a jerk.

1003. But this is the only way to be sure.

1004. No more killer donuts.

1005. No more donuts. Period.

1006. - Let's do this.

1007. Okay.

1008. I'm all out.

1009. Partner, I'm all out.

1010. Me too.

1011. Dick, it's been a pleasure serving with you

1012. after all these years, man.

1013. You've been a galactic pain in the ass,

1014. but I wouldn't have it any other way, partner.

1015. - Let's do this. - Let's do it!

1016. - That's great,

1017. but how do we survive the explosion?

1018. Uh, I'm still working on that part.

1019. Hey, who farted?

1020. Hey.

1021. Good morning.

1022. Did you sleep okay?

1023. Yeah, better than okay.

1024. For a second, I thought everything was a dream.

1025. No, no, no, you definitely weren't dreaming.

1026. We blew up Dandy Donuts.

1027. Right, that too.

1028. I will remember last night for as long as I live.

1029. Yeah, killer donuts.

1030. Crazy.

1031. No, that's not what I meant.

1032. Make up your mind, will you?

1033. So...

1034. What now?

1035. I think it's pretty obvious.

1036. No, that's not what I mean. I mean, like...

1037. Okay, we've been friends for a really long time, right?

1038. And then, well, this happened.

1039. So now what does that make us?

1040. Are we friends with benefits or is this like—

1041. Shh!

1042. Ow.

1043. You know what they say about payback.

1044. Payback for what?

1045. For ever being with that...

1046. Veronica.

1047. Oh, so someone was a little jealous.

1048. Someone was a little blind.

1049. Okay, that's why I want to figure out what we are

1050. 'cause last time I didn't think,

1051. I ended up with an imaginary girlfriend.

1052. Do I look imaginary to you?

1053. Well, let's see here. You got a nose, two lips...

1054. - All right, all right. - Let's see here.

1055. It was a crazy night for sure,

1056. but nothing that happened between us was imaginary.

1057. So let's take it slow, see what happens.

1058. No.

1059. No?

1060. No.

1061. I love you, and that's that.

1062. You're my girlfriend.

1063. Do I get a say?

1064. Michelle Louise Kester, will you be my girlfriend?

1065. Ehh...

1066. Oh, come on. All right, you know what?

1067. I have done so much for you since yesterday.

1068. I have beaten up three bullies,

1069. I have stood up to Cliff,

1070. I have quit my job.

1071. Oh, yeah, and this other little thing,

1072. I battled killer donuts for you,

1073. not to mention the emotional turmoil I went through,

1074. trying to make sure you were safe.

1075. All right, fine. Your whining won me over.

1076. Whatever works.

1077. Yes, I will be your girlfriend.

1078. Yes.

1079. We should go visit Howard.

1080. That's what you're thinking about right now?

1081. Come on, he's your best friend.

1082. He's fine, okay?

1083. Yeah, he's in the hospital, but he only has minor burns.

1084. Johnny, he lost a testicle.

1085. We have all day to visit him, all right?

1086. In case you forgot, I'm currently unemployed.

1087. As it turns out, I am unemployed as well.

1088. Really? Maybe we should do something.

1089. What did you have in mind?

1090. Well, for starters, that's my shirt you're wearing.

1091. - This? - Mm-hmm.

1092. - You want it back? - Yep.

1093. Right now?

1094. I'm afraid so. Right now.

1095. John Blake Wentworth, I don't want to hear any more excuses.

1096. You are cutting that grass today.

1097. - Ma, don't you knock? - You heard me, mister.

1098. You get out of bed and cut the grass now.

1099. - Ma, wait, wait, wait! - Hi!

1100. Oh.

1101. So sorry.

1102. Good morning, Mrs. Wentworth.

1103. Hi, Michelle. I thought...

1104. Michelle is my girlfriend.

1105. I didn't know you had company.

1106. Surprise.

1107. I promise I will cut the grass today.

1108. Yeah, you do that.

1109. It was nice seeing you, Mrs. Wentworth.

1110. Nice to see you too, dear.

1111. You could call me Emma.

1112. Okay.

1113. Bye, Mom.

1114. Bye.

1115. She's gonna go cheer up Howard. How sweet.

1116. Don't start.

1117. At least he has one good testicle left.

1118. All right, that's it!

1119. Mm, this pastry's killer.

1120. Medic! Medic!