1. - Why aren't you laughing, Bitterman?
- You haven't said anything, sir.
Copy !req
2. I see, fine, so you're waiting
till the last minute.
Copy !req
3. Hello. Hello, hello, hello.
Copy !req
4. - Hi. How rich are you?
- I beg your pardon?
Copy !req
5. Isn't having money
the most fabulous thing ever?
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6. Every day is like Christmas morning,
am I right?
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7. Well, I don't think of personal wealth
in those terms exactly.
Copy !req
8. Oh, yeah, you're right, of course.
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9. Yeah, it doesn't matter
whether you're rich or poor...
Copy !req
10. as long as you can buy anything
on the planet you ever wanted.
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11. Am I right? Answer me!
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12. Well, I'm not quite sure.
Copy !req
13. - Hey, those your initials?
- Mm-hm.
Copy !req
14. I'll bet you had to try a thousand dealers
before you found a car with your initials.
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15. This is probably nowhere near
the color you wanted either.
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16. Funereal black.
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17. Hi, it's me again.
Did you miss me? I'll bet you did.
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18. Please remove yourself from my car.
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19. I wish I could, but I have to ride like this.
I'm over 17 feet tall.
Copy !req
20. This is funny stuff. Is there
someone else in there I could talk to?
Copy !req
21. You're Arthur, aren't you?
Stanford Bach's boy.
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22. - That's right.
- The shame of the family...
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23. the wastrel, the public drunk.
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24. Ooh. You say that as if it's a bad thing.
Copy !req
25. Your window's going up.
Something's gone wrong with it.
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26. Goodness gracious me. Here.
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27. Here.
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28. Hi.
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29. Hello.
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30. Hello in there.
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31. Hi, it's me.
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32. You have to be the most annoying man
I have ever met.
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33. Do I have to?
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34. Okay, no, no, no.
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35. Don't, you. It's all right.
I was just having some fun.
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36. Fun is a luxury I don't have.
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37. I work for a living, Bach.
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38. - Oh.
- The word is "work."
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39. - Work, work.
- Look it up.
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40. - And my sympathy to your father.
- Yeah, certainly.
Copy !req
41. Oh, my congratulations to your mother.
Copy !req
42. Ah. Home at last.
Copy !req
43. Hey. How are you? Nice to see you.
Merry Christmas, yes.
Copy !req
44. - Good evening, Mr. Bach.
- How are you, Philip?
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45. Lovely. Lovely stuff. Thank you.
Copy !req
46. Put it on his tab.
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47. - Your regular, sir?
- Yes, I am, thank you for asking.
Copy !req
48. Very kind of you, very considerate.
Copy !req
49. Good evening, yes. Hi.
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50. - Good evening, Mr. Bach.
- Andre, my man, put it there.
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51. Your wife's been waiting for you, sir.
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52. Oh. Yeah, I know, I'm late.
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53. You'd better go on ahead
and remove all the knives from our table.
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54. I don't think that will be necessary, sir.
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55. I wouldn't be so sure.
Copy !req
56. Darling, I'm sorry I'm late.
It was Bitterman's fault.
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57. He insisted we stop off
at this tawdry boutique and buy—
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58. Prince Charming? Over here.
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59. I think I have more chance
of being forgiven at this table.
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60. Maybe not. Excuse me.
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61. I'm sorry. Merry Christmas.
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62. - Hello. Thank you, Andre.
- Yes, thank you, Andre.
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63. Would you like to have
an ambulance standing by?
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64. Arthur, I said 7:00.
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65. Seven o'clock! Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you said, "Have a few drinks...
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66. hit a toy store,
and wander in whenever you feel like it."
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67. You think you're hysterical, don't you?
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68. Yeah. Yeah, I do. It cuts down
on entertainment expenses.
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69. - Kissy kissy.
- No.
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70. Kissy. Kissy.
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71. All right. Why can't I stay mad at you?
Copy !req
72. I mean, you know something,
we'd have terrific fights.
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73. You know something? I should have
married you for your money.
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74. Yeah, I love myself
primarily for my money.
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75. It's pathetic, really, but I do.
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76. And I'm probably wasting my time.
I'm probably not even mentioned in my will.
Copy !req
77. - How are you?
- I'm fine.
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78. - Yeah?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
79. Listen, I saw Dr. Holbrook today.
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80. - It was today? I could have gone with you.
- No, honey, it didn't matter.
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81. I mean, he just had the results
of the tests back.
Copy !req
82. - What did he say?
- He said, "Have a seat."
Copy !req
83. He said he was putting
new carpeting in his office.
Copy !req
84. And then what?
Copy !req
85. And he said I couldn't have children.
Copy !req
86. God, that sucks, Linda.
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87. I mean, you would have made
a great mother.
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88. Yeah, I know.
I've had so much practice with you.
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89. At least we don't
have to have sex anymore.
Copy !req
90. - Ugh. Are you cute?
- Well...
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91. Hey.
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92. You wanna dance?
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93. As long as it's not too arousing.
Copy !req
94. - We'll be right back.
- Easy, Romeo.
Copy !req
95. Happy person, let's hang her on the tree.
Copy !req
96. A one, a two...
Copy !req
97. a gootchi, gootchi, goo.
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98. A one, oh, a two.
Copy !req
99. - Arthur.
- Linda, where have you gone?
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100. Honey?
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101. How do you feel about adoption?
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102. Adoption?
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103. - Yeah. Yeah, adoption.
- Uh...
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104. Look, all you need are two mature people
who love each other very much.
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105. And we could hire them.
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106. Arthur, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
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107. I need you serious for a minute, hon.
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108. Look, I know having a kid
doesn't mean much to you right now...
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109. but it's all I've ever thought about
for the last three years.
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110. Oh, Arthur, every time I pass
a playground, I just die.
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111. Then we adopt.
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112. - What?
- Yeah.
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113. - Just like that?
- Yeah.
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114. Don't you want
to think about it a little bit?
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115. No, set up the appointment.
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116. I mean, any kid would be lucky
to have you as a mother.
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117. Arthur, oh, thank you.
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118. Oh, honey.
Copy !req
119. - There we are.
- Oh, Arthur.
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120. Blimey, you can stop it.
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121. Thank you. Oh, I love you.
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122. Oh, I am so excited...
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123. and I love you so much.
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124. Oh, I love you so much, it hurts.
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125. - That's because you're leaning on my fork.
- I know, take it away immediately.
Copy !req
126. Arthur, you know what I'm gonna do
tomorrow morning?
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127. Here, look what I found at this
new novelty store I found in Times Square.
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128. What? These I don't need.
I could always see right through you.
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129. I'm gonna— What is that?
Copy !req
130. Phony throw-up. We'll get a free meal here
if it's the last thing we do.
Copy !req
131. - Oh, Arthur.
- Look.
Copy !req
132. - Now, wait a minute, I have plans for that.
- What? Trick soap?
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133. Oh, no. Fairchild?
Copy !req
134. Arthur, haven't you tortured
that poor man enough?
Copy !req
135. No. No, definitely not.
Copy !req
136. - Andre!
- Andre.
Copy !req
137. This your idea of a joke?
Copy !req
138. Don't touch the Barfellini Bolognese.
it's...
Copy !req
139. Good morning, sir.
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140. - Good morning, Fairchild.
- Good morning, Mr. Bach.
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141. - Good morning, Ted.
- Here is your tea, sir...
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142. your fresh orange juice,
your dish of aspirin...
Copy !req
143. and, of course, your newspaper.
Copy !req
144. Fairchild, what happened to your hands?
Copy !req
145. The soap in my bathroom, sir.
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146. The soap in your bathroom, Fairchild?
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147. Yes, it seems to be malfunctioning.
Copy !req
148. Fairchild, it's a joke.
Soap doesn't malfunction.
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149. - It's trick soap.
- I see.
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150. Thank you, sir.
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151. You're welcome, Fairchild.
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152. Shall I throw the soap out...
Copy !req
153. or will you be tricking me again
with it later?
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154. Blimey! Questions this early
in the morning.
Copy !req
155. Trick soap out or in?
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156. - Uh, I— Forget it, Fairchild.
- Yes, sir.
Copy !req
157. - Where's Mrs. Bach? Is she...?
- Madam awoke early.
Copy !req
158. She had some phone calls to make.
Copy !req
159. Ah. In that case,
put on one of her nightgowns...
Copy !req
160. and come in here, would you?
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161. Sir?
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162. Come on, Fairchild.
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163. I know you want it.
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164. I've seen the way you look at me.
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165. Hey! Fairchild! I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
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166. God, it's the truth.
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167. Don't they ever kid each other
on your planet?
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168. - On my planet, sir?
- Yeah.
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169. I mean, don't I drive you nuts?
Copy !req
170. Don't you wanna pick up one of these chairs
and whack me over the head with it?
Copy !req
171. - Whack you, sir? I could never.
- I give you permission.
Copy !req
172. Listen, I used to have a butler
who would take my hat off all the time...
Copy !req
173. and hit me over the head with it
and call me a little shit!
Copy !req
174. We must have gone
to different butlering schools, sir.
Copy !req
175. Yeah, well, maybe.
He was more than a butler, actually.
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176. He was my friend, you know?
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177. He was more than that, really.
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178. Yes, Hobson. I've heard you two
were very close.
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179. Yeah. Yeah, we were.
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180. Yeah. And you know what, Fairchild?
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181. You remind me of him...
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182. in absolutely no way whatsoever.
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183. Loosen up, Fairchild, I give you
permission to enjoy your life.
Copy !req
184. Thank you, sir. I shall try.
Copy !req
185. You're very welcome.
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186. Well, now it's time for my bath.
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187. Yeah, take that, Godzilla.
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188. I guess you'd say
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189. What can make me feel this way?
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190. Myself myself myself
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191. Talkin' about myself myself
Copy !req
192. Yeah, go on, get him, sub! Get him!
Copy !req
193. Get that wreck! Ah.
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194. Okay, basketball time.
Copy !req
195. Here we go.
Copy !req
196. Hip hooray, sir.
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197. Oh, gosh.
Copy !req
198. Aren't baths the best thing ever,
Fairchild?
Copy !req
199. Eh? Imagine a world without bathtubs.
Copy !req
200. I mean, for one thing,
this floor would be soaking wet.
Copy !req
201. Why do they call you Mr. Charisma?
Copy !req
202. Hello? Are you alone?
Copy !req
203. Alone? I am as alone
as a person can be...
Copy !req
204. without actually
technically being alone.
Copy !req
205. - Ah. Hi, Fairchild.
- Madam.
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206. Why don't you come on in?
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207. I'm naked, I'm horizontal,
I am covered with bubbles.
Copy !req
208. So most of your work is already done.
Copy !req
209. Sorry, stud, no time.
Copy !req
210. - I'm making a list of adoption agencies.
- How you doing?
Copy !req
211. So far, not so good.
Copy !req
212. Everyone I've talked to
insists on meeting you.
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213. I love you, Mrs. Bach.
You must not ever die.
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214. Where's your snake?
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215. My snake? He's very well this morning,
but he was very naughty.
Copy !req
216. I had to put him underwater
for an hour and a half.
Copy !req
217. Oh, Arthur, have you been
thinking about names?
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218. - Names?
- Mm-hm.
Copy !req
219. Names. He wants a name too?
The spoiled little brat.
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220. Um, hey, what about Senator?
Senator Bach?
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221. Sort of give the kid a head start.
Hey, Fairchild, Senator Bach.
Copy !req
222. - You hear that one?
- Yes, sir, a head start.
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223. Ah, right. Get the snake out.
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224. I forgot. Your father called,
he wants to see you this morning.
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225. My father?
Must have been a wrong number.
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226. - Said it was important. Fairchild.
- Madam.
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227. I'm leaving it in your hands.
You make sure that he gets there, huh?
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228. Nice gloves.
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229. - Fairchild, what are you waiting for?
- I don't know, sir.
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230. I'm gonna see my father.
What does that mean?
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231. A drink, sir.
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232. Please! Please!
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233. Yeah, hello, my beauty. Ha!
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234. Hi, Dad.
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235. - May I help you?
- Yeah, I've come to see my father...
Copy !req
236. but if he's too busy, I'll be glad
to leave and never come back.
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237. —before I leave for Madrid on Tuesday.
Copy !req
238. Yeah, Wednesday would be too late.
Copy !req
239. - Arthur, you're here.
- Yeah, I'm here.
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240. Craig Powell, this is my...
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241. "My son." I'm his son.
Copy !req
242. Yes. I've heard a lot about you.
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243. I'm afraid most of it is true.
Copy !req
244. - Have a good trip.
- Bye-bye.
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245. Come on in, Arthur,
this won't take a minute.
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246. Right in here.
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247. God, blimey.
Copy !req
248. That Craig Powell bloke's
got the smallest toupee...
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249. I've ever seen in my life.
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250. - You're drunk.
- On the contrary.
Copy !req
251. I've never been more intoxicated
in my life.
Copy !req
252. How does he keep his head
on the pillow at night, I ask you?
Copy !req
253. - You'll never change, will you?
- No.
Copy !req
254. I heard you accosted Kendall Winchester
in the park yesterday.
Copy !req
255. Oh, yeah. Yeah, good old K.W.W.
Copy !req
256. W.
Copy !req
257. You think the whole world is here
for your amusement.
Copy !req
258. Oh, yes, I do. Yes, I do,
and you're doing a splendid job.
Copy !req
259. Thank you very much indeed.
Copy !req
260. There's some papers here you need to sign.
Copy !req
261. My God, you've been busy.
Copy !req
262. We're merging, Arthur.
it's a very big move.
Copy !req
263. This time next week, we'll be one half...
Copy !req
264. of the third largest conglomerate
in the world.
Copy !req
265. It's about time. I've been saying this
for years, you know.
Copy !req
266. - Sign here, there are four copies.
- Okay.
Copy !req
267. It's all very involved.
You wouldn't understand.
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268. I'm not 8 years old, Father.
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269. How do you make an "A"?
it's all right, I remember.
Copy !req
270. - Who are we merging with?
- Burt Johnson.
Copy !req
271. - Burt Johnson? But he's a maniac!
- He's not a maniac, Arthur.
Copy !req
272. - He's maniacish. He tried to kill me.
- Not without reason.
Copy !req
273. You left his daughter standing at the altar.
You humiliated him, Arthur.
Copy !req
274. I didn't love Susan.
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275. When I told him,
he came at me with a knife.
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276. They don't make pens
like they used to, do they, Dad?
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277. Do be careful with this one.
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278. Yeah, right.
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279. It was Mother's, wasn't it?
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280. Yeah. Bless her cotton socks.
Copy !req
281. Tristan, remember to put stickers
on all the paintings that have been sold...
Copy !req
282. and buy two more
cases of champagne.
Copy !req
283. But make sure it's domestic.
Copy !req
284. A lot of freeloaders
come to these openings.
Copy !req
285. Ask Miriam to get enough hangers
for the front entrance.
Copy !req
286. And whatever you do...
Copy !req
287. don't turn away members of the press
like last time.
Copy !req
288. - Marcia!
- Hi, Susan.
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289. - I'm so glad you could come.
- Me too.
Copy !req
290. This Elizabeth Murray is fantastic.
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291. The colors are brilliant, aren't they? Oh!
Copy !req
292. I've gotta show you
the Hans Hofman we just got, it's divine.
Copy !req
293. Painted in 1942, Provincetown series.
Copy !req
294. - Look at that movement.
- Very interesting.
Copy !req
295. Should I put a little reserve on that
for you? Take a look around...
Copy !req
296. there's so much to see,
and let me know if I can help you.
Copy !req
297. - Thank you.
- Okay.
Copy !req
298. - Daddy!
- Oh, my sunshine girl.
Copy !req
299. Oh, what a surprise.
You never come down here.
Copy !req
300. - You know what this place could use?
- What?
Copy !req
301. Some John Audubon paintings.
Ever heard of him?
Copy !req
302. He's a naturalist, he paints birds.
Copy !req
303. Tut-tut-tut. Don't laugh. Don't laugh.
Copy !req
304. People love birds.
People love to look at birds.
Copy !req
305. People don't want to look at this.
This is not right.
Copy !req
306. We don't want that kind of stuff...
Copy !req
307. - ... in our gallery. Right.
- In our gallery.
Copy !req
308. Is that why you dropped by,
to critique the collection?
Copy !req
309. No. Actually, I have some news
for you about Arthur.
Copy !req
310. - Divorce?
- No.
Copy !req
311. - They're separated?
- No.
Copy !req
312. Did he kill her?
Copy !req
313. That's my girl. Come on.
Copy !req
314. Susan, you remember that day...
Copy !req
315. four years ago at the church?
Copy !req
316. - Yes.
- And you remember I said...
Copy !req
317. somehow, some way,
I'd make things right?
Copy !req
318. What have you done, Daddy?
Copy !req
319. I've gone into business
with Stanford Bach...
Copy !req
320. only Bach made a big mistake.
He used my lawyer.
Copy !req
321. That's like inviting me into a high-stakes
poker game and letting me deal.
Copy !req
322. By this time next week...
Copy !req
323. Arthur will be seriously
reappraising his situation.
Copy !req
324. Oh, I thought after a few months with her
that he'd get her out of his system.
Copy !req
325. I didn't want to get him back like this.
Copy !req
326. But you'll take him.
Copy !req
327. Of course I'll take him.
Thank you, Daddy.
Copy !req
328. That's my girl.
Copy !req
329. Thank you very much
for coming in, Mrs. Todd.
Copy !req
330. I'll call you as soon as I hear anything.
Copy !req
331. Thanks. Bye, Dr. Todd.
Copy !req
332. - Mr. And Mrs. Bach?
- Yes.
Copy !req
333. - Hi. Cynthia Canby.
- How do you do?
Copy !req
334. It's nice to meet you
after talking to you on the phone.
Copy !req
335. Please call me Linda. This is Arthur.
Copy !req
336. - Hi, how are you?
- And Fairchild, our butler.
Copy !req
337. - Oh. Well, how do you do?
- Very well, thank you.
Copy !req
338. - Come on in.
- All right.
Copy !req
339. - Shall I wait here, sir?
- No, there.
Copy !req
340. This is nice.
Copy !req
341. I've never met a real live butler before.
Copy !req
342. Yeah, he shakes hands great.
I taught him that.
Copy !req
343. Actually, I do most of
the housework myself.
Copy !req
344. I just use him to reach
the higher shelves.
Copy !req
345. Who do you like better so far,
me or Linda?
Copy !req
346. Honey!
Copy !req
347. - Why don't you sit down?
- Okay, just a minute, darling.
Copy !req
348. Let me just test these out.
Ooh. You'd better sit here, darling.
Copy !req
349. This looks a tad more comfortable.
I'll take this less comfortable chair.
Copy !req
350. That's the kind of guy I am.
Copy !req
351. I'll make a note. Passes chair test.
Copy !req
352. Mrs. Canby, did you help
all of these people?
Copy !req
353. I've got the best job in the whole world.
I make families.
Copy !req
354. - They're all smiling.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
355. I guess babies do that to people.
Copy !req
356. What I'd like to do is put a picture
of you and Arthur on that wall.
Copy !req
357. Mrs. Canby, if you could do that...
Copy !req
358. you would make me—
You would make us...
Copy !req
359. the happiest people
in the whole world.
Copy !req
360. Now, I've been going through your file.
Copy !req
361. We've collected some information
about you.
Copy !req
362. But I just wanted to ask you
a couple of things.
Copy !req
363. Is it true that you own five houses?
Copy !req
364. - No. No way.
- No.
Copy !req
365. - No, six, actually.
- What do you mean, six?
Copy !req
366. What about the one in Saint-Tropez?
Copy !req
367. What? That's a shack, Arthur.
That's not a house.
Copy !req
368. Well, forget the baby, adopt me.
Copy !req
369. Raising a happy child
has nothing to do with money.
Copy !req
370. - Yeah.
- You can say that again.
Copy !req
371. Now, there's been quite a bit
about you in the press.
Copy !req
372. There's mention here
of a drinking problem.
Copy !req
373. Now, wait a minute.
Copy !req
374. Linda might enjoy an occasional
glass of wine...
Copy !req
375. but to suggest there's
a drinking problem...
Copy !req
376. Arthur, I was talking about you.
Copy !req
377. Mrs. Canby, he never drives.
I make sure he doesn't ever drive.
Copy !req
378. And last year,
he joined Alcoholics Anonymous.
Copy !req
379. I see. How many meetings
did you attend?
Copy !req
380. Meetings?
Copy !req
381. Ah. I guess I didn't read
the entire pamphlet.
Copy !req
382. I've never done that in my entire life.
I swear I'm not a kicker.
Copy !req
383. It's all right.
If you hadn't kicked him, I would have.
Copy !req
384. We take drinking problems
very seriously around here.
Copy !req
385. Look, Mrs. Canby,
I know we're not perfect.
Copy !req
386. No, we're not. For example,
I've only got one good leg.
Copy !req
387. But Arthur and I,
we're the happiest couple I know.
Copy !req
388. And it's not the money.
I just know it's not. It's us.
Copy !req
389. I mean, we laugh all the time...
Copy !req
390. and I hardly ever kick him,
and he hardly ever kicks me.
Copy !req
391. It just seems like without a baby...
Copy !req
392. something really wonderful
is being wasted.
Copy !req
393. Well, I'll see what I can do.
Copy !req
394. - That's it?
- That's it.
Copy !req
395. I'm gonna be visiting
your home sometime.
Copy !req
396. - What about tomorrow?
- I can't tell you when.
Copy !req
397. The idea is to catch you by surprise,
to see how you really live.
Copy !req
398. Any day's good except Tuesdays...
Copy !req
399. because that's when we're out
robbing gas stations.
Copy !req
400. Don't worry about a thing, it'll be fine.
Copy !req
401. - Nice meeting you, Mrs. Canby.
- Yes, you too. I'll be in touch.
Copy !req
402. Okay. Bye.
Copy !req
403. - I thought it went very well. Yeah?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Copy !req
404. She's nice.
Copy !req
405. Um, I'll meet you in the car, okay?
I just want to ask her something.
Copy !req
406. You moved.
Copy !req
407. Look, Mrs. Canby, you've heard
the expression, "He's just a kidder."
Copy !req
408. Well, he is, he's just a Kidder.
Copy !req
409. He'd do anything to make you laugh
and make you comfortable.
Copy !req
410. He'd do anything to make you happy.
Do you think we have a chance?
Copy !req
411. I think you have an excellent chance.
Copy !req
412. You know, he'll make a wonderful father.
Copy !req
413. I'm sure he will,
but you've gotta be realistic.
Copy !req
414. Adopting a baby can take months,
even years.
Copy !req
415. I wouldn't go shopping
for highchairs just yet.
Copy !req
416. I don't know, I like them all. They're...
Copy !req
417. Look how cute this is.
Copy !req
418. - You must have a great time working here.
- I do.
Copy !req
419. I'm gonna take this one, definitely.
I still like this one the best.
Copy !req
420. It's great up here.
Copy !req
421. - Kid will love this, right, Fairchild?
- I suppose he must, sir.
Copy !req
422. Yeah. How you do this
with such dignity baffles me.
Copy !req
423. Thank you, sir.
Copy !req
424. - Here.
- It's all right, sir.
Copy !req
425. Now don't fool around, Fairchild.
Copy !req
426. - We haven't got all day.
- Yes, sir.
Copy !req
427. Look at how delicate this is.
Copy !req
428. Oh, this is great.
Look at that workmanship.
Copy !req
429. - I'm gonna take this one.
- Yes, Mrs. Bach.
Copy !req
430. May I ask, when is the baby due?
Copy !req
431. What baby? This is for me.
I'm having trouble sleeping.
Copy !req
432. Oh, this is great!
Copy !req
433. - Oh, Fairchild.
- Madam?
Copy !req
434. Did you show that to Arthur?
Does he like it?
Copy !req
435. - Oh, yes, he wants it.
- Good.
Copy !req
436. Fairchild!
Copy !req
437. Hey, look, Fairchild!
I'm finally on the wagon!
Copy !req
438. - I'll take these to the car.
- No, that's okay. I'll take it. I'll take it.
Copy !req
439. Do they make these with a wet bar?
Copy !req
440. - No, sir.
- We'll take it anyway.
Copy !req
441. The kid will just have to rough it.
Copy !req
442. Ah, well. Ahem.
Copy !req
443. I know this is hard to believe,
but he's never once been mistaken...
Copy !req
444. for a Supreme Court justice.
Copy !req
445. - There was one occasion when I—
- Are we taking this? Wanna hold this?
Copy !req
446. - Thank you.
- Hold on.
Copy !req
447. - Red light! Green light!
- Arthur.
Copy !req
448. So how did you two meet?
Copy !req
449. At Bergdorf Goodman. I was shoplifting.
Copy !req
450. Oh, no, I'm...
Copy !req
451. Sir, there's a call for you
on the car phone. Burt Johnson.
Copy !req
452. - Burt Johnson?
- Burt Johnson?
Copy !req
453. Burt Johnson.
Copy !req
454. - Burt Johnson?
- Burt Johnson?
Copy !req
455. Pull!
Copy !req
456. Hello, Mr. Johnson.
Copy !req
457. Arthur. Welcome aboard.
Copy !req
458. Thank you. Well...
Copy !req
459. You're looking fine.
Copy !req
460. And by fine, of course,
I mean big and frightening.
Copy !req
461. I see you're still drinking, Arthur.
Copy !req
462. Oh. Well, sir,
I'd stop drinking in a minute...
Copy !req
463. if I could find a faster,
more efficient way...
Copy !req
464. of getting all this Scotch into my body.
Copy !req
465. How's Susan? Married, I hope.
Twenty-eight children.
Copy !req
466. Susan's not married.
Copy !req
467. Susan never got married.
Copy !req
468. - Really?
- Pull!
Copy !req
469. You must hate those things.
Copy !req
470. Would you like to try it?
Copy !req
471. Me? I don't think I'm...
Copy !req
472. Yes, there's nothing like the feel
of a fine handcrafted shotgun.
Copy !req
473. Oh, well...
Copy !req
474. - Go ahead, try it.
- Okay. Would you mind?
Copy !req
475. There's nothing like the feel
of a huge glass of Scotch...
Copy !req
476. in the left hand.
Copy !req
477. Pull! Hit the bullet! Hit the bullet!
Copy !req
478. Oh, he missed. No, your way's better.
Copy !req
479. I can see that now, thank you.
I'm better at this.
Copy !req
480. - You hurt me, Arthur.
- I did?
Copy !req
481. You embarrassed me
in front of the entire community.
Copy !req
482. Oh, I—
Copy !req
483. Worst of all,
you broke my little girl's heart.
Copy !req
484. - Oh, I—
- I'm not a vindictive man.
Copy !req
485. - I'm a very vindictive man.
- I see.
Copy !req
486. I think I better take ... No, no, no!
Copy !req
487. Pull!
Copy !req
488. That one was self-defense, right?
It was gonna circle back and kill us both.
Copy !req
489. I'm gonna get another drink now.
Copy !req
490. What time is it, Arthur?
Copy !req
491. - What time is it?
- Feel any different?
Copy !req
492. - Different?
- You should, you know.
Copy !req
493. You're broke, Arthur.
Copy !req
494. As of 12 noon today, you're busted.
Copy !req
495. You're shit.
Copy !req
496. Wait a minute, I'm shit?
Copy !req
497. - Remember the big merger?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
498. Your family and I
formed this big corporation...
Copy !req
499. each of us owning 40 percent
of the stock.
Copy !req
500. And the remaining 20 percent
was supposed to be owned...
Copy !req
501. by a group of foreign investors.
Copy !req
502. Foreign—
Copy !req
503. Well, I bought out those investors
earlier this morning.
Copy !req
504. You bought them out?
Copy !req
505. It's called controlling interest, Arthur.
Copy !req
506. I already talked to your family...
Copy !req
507. and they can run the company...
Copy !req
508. live exactly as they have been...
Copy !req
509. on one condition.
Copy !req
510. That you are cut off.
Copy !req
511. - What?
- You don't get a penny.
Copy !req
512. Pull!
Copy !req
513. Can I borrow that gun a moment?
I want to...
Copy !req
514. Nope, it's all over.
Copy !req
515. No more cars, no more yachts.
Copy !req
516. No more houses. The party is over!
Copy !req
517. Why are you doing this?
Copy !req
518. Because you didn't marry Susan!
Copy !req
519. But lots of people didn't marry Susan.
Copy !req
520. I mean, that guy over there,
he didn't even take her out to dinner.
Copy !req
521. - Let's get him and beat the shit out of him.
- Now you can get your money back.
Copy !req
522. Just get a divorce
and marry my little girl.
Copy !req
523. She still loves you,
although I can't imagine why.
Copy !req
524. But eventually, you'll come around.
Copy !req
525. - You're soft, you're pathetic.
- Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
526. You wouldn't last 24 hours
without money.
Copy !req
527. Seriously, why did you want to see me?
Copy !req
528. No, no, no. We're all finished talking.
Copy !req
529. I'm going back to the yacht club.
Copy !req
530. You know, I'd ask you to join me...
Copy !req
531. but there's a $15 cover charge,
and you can't afford it.
Copy !req
532. Hello! Hi, honey!
Copy !req
533. We're poor!
Copy !req
534. We're white trash, Linda!
Copy !req
535. Linda, we're bankrupt!
Copy !req
536. Linda, there's a bleak fiscal outlook.
Copy !req
537. Linda?
Copy !req
538. Linda?
Copy !req
539. Oh, Greta, have you seen my wife?
Copy !req
540. - Destitute woman about this tall.
- Oh, Mr. Bach.
Copy !req
541. I think she's in where
they're redecorating.
Copy !req
542. Hello, darling— Oh, sorry, you're too tall.
Hi, darling.
Copy !req
543. I'm so glad you're home.
This will be so wonderful.
Copy !req
544. Look, I wanted to wait
before I made a final decision.
Copy !req
545. - But I'm really leaning towards the peach.
- I'm leaning towards the peach.
Copy !req
546. If it's a girl.
Now, if it's a boy, look at this.
Copy !req
547. They're all pretty, but the robin's egg
is the best, don't you think?
Copy !req
548. I'm gonna put a neutral carpet
and a big picture of Hobson on that wall.
Copy !req
549. - That'll be lovely.
- Arthur, you know something?
Copy !req
550. You can teach a baby to read
at 8 months old.
Copy !req
551. Listen to this. All right.
Copy !req
552. "The period from 1 to 5."
Copy !req
553. Hold it. How much will all this cost?
Copy !req
554. How much?
Arthur, I've never heard you say that.
Copy !req
555. - You all right?
- No, I'm great.
Copy !req
556. I've just heard some wonderful news.
We're going to inherit the earth.
Copy !req
557. Good, dear. I'll get that.
Copy !req
558. Hello? Yes.
Copy !req
559. - Oh, yeah. Ricky, it's for you.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
560. Now, what are you talking about?
Speak English. We're in America.
Copy !req
561. Okay, but I must insist
you hold your applause till the end.
Copy !req
562. - All right.
- Burt Johnson—
Copy !req
563. - Burt Johnson?
- Shh.
Copy !req
564. Burt Johnson has seized control
of my family's company.
Copy !req
565. He's forcing them to cut me off
until I divorce you and marry Susan.
Copy !req
566. - What's for dinner?
- Lasagna.
Copy !req
567. - What do you mean? Can he do that?
- Apparently he has.
Copy !req
568. Excuse me, Mrs. Bach.
I'm sorry, that was the office.
Copy !req
569. It seems as though
there's a problem with your credit.
Copy !req
570. - I guess he can do that.
- I'm sure it's a mistake.
Copy !req
571. - Victor, Vincent, let's ...
- I'll call you tomorrow, okay?
Copy !req
572. - Great.
- Thanks a lot. Thank you. Bye.
Copy !req
573. Nice boys, I think.
Copy !req
574. This is crazy. What are we gonna do?
Copy !req
575. We? No. No, no.
Copy !req
576. Thank you so much. Goodbye.
Do have a nice life.
Copy !req
577. Susan and I would love
to have you over sometime.
Copy !req
578. Honey, come here.
Copy !req
579. Tell me exactly what happened.
I mean, slowly and calmly...
Copy !req
580. exactly what we're talking about.
Copy !req
581. I mean, we're talking about our home?
Our cars?
Copy !req
582. Not your trust fund?
Copy !req
583. Everything.
Copy !req
584. Everything was in the company's name.
Copy !req
585. Phew, boy.
Copy !req
586. - But you know what the worst thing is?
- What?
Copy !req
587. I hate lasagna.
Copy !req
588. Excuse me, I have to lay down.
Copy !req
589. It's nice down here. I can understand
why all the little worms come down here.
Copy !req
590. - Bloody hell.
- Honey?
Copy !req
591. Think we'll ever look back on this
and laugh?
Copy !req
592. - No.
- No.
Copy !req
593. Oh, Arthur, what about the baby?
Copy !req
594. Hey. Hey.
Copy !req
595. Mrs. Canby said
that the money doesn't matter.
Copy !req
596. - Yeah. She did, didn't she?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
597. I guess that's true.
Copy !req
598. Yeah, it is. I just hope
the security guard at the 7-Eleven...
Copy !req
599. feels the same way.
Copy !req
600. Listen. Deep down inside,
don't you feel just a little bit relieved?
Copy !req
601. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
I do, actually. I feel relieved...
Copy !req
602. of $750 million.
Copy !req
603. Yes, I still got it, haven't I?
Copy !req
604. - I'll say.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
605. The hell with them.
We're gonna be fine, Arthur.
Copy !req
606. - Yeah.
- We are, honestly.
Copy !req
607. Look, you taught me how to be rich, right?
I'll teach you how to be poor.
Copy !req
608. It's really easy. It's exactly the same thing.
You just do it in fewer rooms.
Copy !req
609. Look, lesson number one.
Copy !req
610. Hold on, now.
Copy !req
611. Yeah. This is how poor people
comfort each other.
Copy !req
612. And now this is how
poor people say I love you.
Copy !req
613. I love you.
Copy !req
614. See, they can't give each other
yachts or condominiums.
Copy !req
615. Blimey. No wonder
there's so many of them.
Copy !req
616. I never liked yachts anyway.
Copy !req
617. - What? Here? Now?
- Uh-huh.
Copy !req
618. For $750 million...
Copy !req
619. lady, this better be good.
Copy !req
620. Arthur, you've always been
my favorite grandchild.
Copy !req
621. Martha, I am your only grandchild.
Copy !req
622. I can't help you this time, Arthur.
Copy !req
623. Burt Johnson has got our family
by the nuts.
Copy !req
624. He's forced your father and I
to cut you off.
Copy !req
625. As of noon today,
you couldn't even sign a personal check.
Copy !req
626. Martha, I've never seen you
give up like this before.
Copy !req
627. You've never seen me this old before.
I'm not 75 anymore.
Copy !req
628. Those were the days.
Copy !req
629. Oh. Oh, you.
Copy !req
630. Arthur, even if I could do something...
Copy !req
631. - ... I don't know that I would.
- Ah.
Copy !req
632. Johnson is right.
You belong with Susan.
Copy !req
633. - Martha"
- I've always felt that.
Copy !req
634. - Linda and I have been married—
- Martha, you ready for your workout?
Copy !req
635. Martha, there's a nearly naked man
in your living room.
Copy !req
636. My doctor suggested
that I try a little exercise.
Copy !req
637. - Ah.
- Troy, this is my grandson Arthur.
Copy !req
638. - Hey.
- Ow.
Copy !req
639. Arthur's just lost $750 million.
Copy !req
640. - Seven fifty? Damn! Sorry to hear that.
- It's a long story—
Copy !req
641. Yeah, so anyway,
Martha, you ready to rock and roll?
Copy !req
642. Breathe. Let it out.
Copy !req
643. Here we go, jumping jacks.
Copy !req
644. Come on, kick it up.
Copy !req
645. Yeah. Yeah.
Copy !req
646. Yeah, that's it.
Copy !req
647. You with me, Martha? Let's go.
Copy !req
648. - Martha, you just sit here and watch?
- Yes.
Copy !req
649. All right, Martha, pushups.
Copy !req
650. I started out 20 minutes a day.
Copy !req
651. Now I can do nearly a whole hour.
Oh, it's done wonders for me, Arthur.
Copy !req
652. - I've never felt this well in my entire life.
- Yeah, I can—
Copy !req
653. Okay, let's work those hips, Martha.
Copy !req
654. Come on. In and out. Come on, Martha.
Copy !req
655. Arthur, I think this is my favorite one.
Copy !req
656. Yeah. Here we go.
Copy !req
657. All the way around, Martha.
Copy !req
658. Yeah. Yeah.
Copy !req
659. Well, no pain, no gain.
Copy !req
660. Arthur, marry Susan.
Copy !req
661. You've had your fling.
Now it's time to face facts.
Copy !req
662. Martha.
Copy !req
663. Arthur, are you saying
that your marriage to Linda Marolla...
Copy !req
664. that nobody, a waitress from Queens...
Copy !req
665. is worth more than $750 million?
Copy !req
666. I love her, Martha.
Copy !req
667. That's not what I asked you, is it?
Copy !req
668. Oh, now this is my real favorite.
Copy !req
669. I can see why.
Copy !req
670. We'll take a little break. Yeah.
Copy !req
671. - Keep the buttocks tight.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
672. What do you think, should I take this?
Copy !req
673. - Oh, yes. You'll need warm things.
- Yeah. That's right.
Copy !req
674. Well, that looks about right.
Copy !req
675. Greta...
Copy !req
676. you better take these.
They were on the jewelry inventory.
Copy !req
677. All right. I guess that's it.
Copy !req
678. You talk to her.
Copy !req
679. The wife and I feel just awful
about this, Mrs. Bach.
Copy !req
680. If there's anything that we could do
to help, please let us know.
Copy !req
681. Oh, Mary, thank you.
Copy !req
682. There's really nothing.
Copy !req
683. Unless, of course, you'd like to loan us
$10 million to tide us over.
Copy !req
684. I love you guys. Thank you.
Please take care of yourself.
Copy !req
685. Okay. You mind if I just have
a minute alone in here?
Copy !req
686. Of course. Of course.
Copy !req
687. Ahem. Sir. I've packed your bag.
Copy !req
688. Oh. Thanks, Fairchild.
Copy !req
689. - I've never been in here.
- Well...
Copy !req
690. this was Hobson's room.
Copy !req
691. it's...
Copy !req
692. It's much larger than my room.
Copy !req
693. Well, I've kept it locked up.
Copy !req
694. He's someone I didn't want to forget.
Copy !req
695. Yes, I think I understand, sir.
My father died when I was 10.
Copy !req
696. Oh, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
697. The big "C."
Copy !req
698. Yeah, well, cancer?
Copy !req
699. Oh, no, sir, he drowned in the big sea.
Copy !req
700. Oh.
Copy !req
701. Oh, by the by, sir...
Copy !req
702. I've been thinking it over,
and that business with the soap?
Copy !req
703. - Yes.
- I think I get it.
Copy !req
704. - Oh, good.
- It was...
Copy !req
705. It was very funny, sir.
Copy !req
706. Yes, it was. Thank you, Fairchild.
Thank you.
Copy !req
707. I want to thank you both for everything.
Copy !req
708. Will the two of you be all right?
I mean, do you have...
Copy !req
709. a place to go?
Copy !req
710. - Yeah. Sure. No problem.
- Yeah. No problem.
Copy !req
711. Oh, no.
Copy !req
712. - No, it can't be.
- Hi, Dad.
Copy !req
713. - Oh, no.
- Dad, wait a minute.
Copy !req
714. Dad. Open the door, Dad.
It's only temporary.
Copy !req
715. Dad.
Copy !req
716. This isn't happening. I don't believe it.
Copy !req
717. This can't be happening.
Copy !req
718. What about my new house
in Fort Lauderdale?
Copy !req
719. Dad, there is no more house.
The house is history.
Copy !req
720. Haven't you been listening?
Copy !req
721. I've been trying not to, actually.
Copy !req
722. This must be awfully difficult
for both of you, being sober.
Copy !req
723. We'll stay in the guestroom,
and it's only temporary. I promise.
Copy !req
724. Right. I mean,
we'll both be dead in 40 years.
Copy !req
725. Fifty, tops. Right, darling?
What are you doing?
Copy !req
726. I'm clipping coupons
in case we want to eat next week.
Copy !req
727. Make yourself useful, honey.
Cut along the dotted line.
Copy !req
728. Dotted line?
Copy !req
729. About that house in Fort Lauderdale...
Copy !req
730. Arthur, I don't want you
to get the wrong idea.
Copy !req
731. I mean, I just didn't love you
for your money.
Copy !req
732. No, I appreciate that, Ralph.
Copy !req
733. I loved you for your father's money!
Copy !req
734. Oh, God! I'm sorry.
I'll be all right. Excuse me.
Copy !req
735. I apologize. Excuse me.
Copy !req
736. God, no.
Copy !req
737. Oh, God! Why me?
Copy !req
738. Dad.
Copy !req
739. Dad.
Copy !req
740. - Behind you.
- Oops. What'll it be?
Copy !req
741. Give me two poached eggs on rye,
and make that toast well-done.
Copy !req
742. Yeah, you got it.
Two Adam and Eve on rye.
Copy !req
743. Sink them and then burn them.
Copy !req
744. An right!
Copy !req
745. You must have waitressed before.
Copy !req
746. Yeah. About five years ago.
Copy !req
747. Speaking of five years,
where's my English muffin?
Copy !req
748. - Coming.
- It's just an English muffin.
Copy !req
749. - What did I do, stump the chef?
- Stump the chef. That's very funny.
Copy !req
750. You're a very funny little customer.
it's coming.
Copy !req
751. Hi. What'll it be?
Copy !req
752. I've only got $4.
What do you recommend?
Copy !req
753. I recommend a cup of coffee
and a $3 tip.
Copy !req
754. I'm only kidding. I'll get you the meat loaf.
You'll love it.
Copy !req
755. One Alpo special. It's coming.
Copy !req
756. - You married?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
757. Oh, God. I wish I were.
What does your husband do?
Copy !req
758. Actually, today he's out
looking for a job.
Copy !req
759. What did he used to do?
Copy !req
760. Everything. Except look for a job.
Where's that English?
Copy !req
761. You got it.
Thanks.
Copy !req
762. What, no butter? No jelly?
Copy !req
763. You should have ordered the meat loaf.
Copy !req
764. There you go.
Copy !req
765. As they say in the West,
don't let your meat loaf.
Copy !req
766. - Hi.
- Hi.
Copy !req
767. Oh, Susan, hi.
Copy !req
768. Goodness, you're looking tall.
Copy !req
769. Quite tall.
Taller than I remember. Statuesque.
Copy !req
770. Amazonian, really.
Copy !req
771. - I've been expecting you.
- No. Don't say that.
Copy !req
772. Susan, we have to talk.
Copy !req
773. I want you to know that...
Copy !req
774. I don't hate you
for what you did to me, Arthur.
Copy !req
775. - I could never hate you.
- No.
Copy !req
776. Thanks to Dr. Lyman,
I've worked through all those emotions.
Copy !req
777. - You're seeing a psychiatrist?
- I'm down to three times a week.
Copy !req
778. Ah.
Copy !req
779. Arthur, there's a big Christmas party
on my father's yacht next week.
Copy !req
780. It would be the perfect time
to announce our re-engagement.
Copy !req
781. I still have the ring.
Copy !req
782. No, no, no!
Copy !req
783. No. Put that away, Linda, sit—
Copy !req
784. Linda? Susan. You're Susan. Listen.
Copy !req
785. Linda thinks I'm out looking for a job.
Copy !req
786. But I'm not.
Copy !req
787. I'm here asking you
to call your father off.
Copy !req
788. Call him off? But why?
Arthur, we were happy, weren't we?
Copy !req
789. Oh, sure we were. Then we met.
Copy !req
790. That was a joke.
Copy !req
791. But, of course, there's no way for you
to have known that. Susan...
Copy !req
792. I married Linda because
I wanted to spend my life with her.
Copy !req
793. I love her.
Copy !req
794. She's not right for you, Arthur.
She's not one of us.
Copy !req
795. And if it takes what Daddy's doing
to make you see that...
Copy !req
796. well, then, so be it.
Copy !req
797. Susan...
Copy !req
798. you're such an asshole.
Copy !req
799. I'm a woman who knows what she wants.
Copy !req
800. I always get what I want, Arthur.
Copy !req
801. - Oh, why not?
- And what I want is you.
Copy !req
802. Yeah.
Copy !req
803. Okay, you scrape with a penny.
You could win $1 million with this.
Copy !req
804. - Win a million dollars?
- A million dollars.
Copy !req
805. So that means if I won 750 of those,
I'll be back where I started, right?
Copy !req
806. Let's just take them
one at a time, all right?
Copy !req
807. - Okay.
- All right. Here we go.
Copy !req
808. Nothing matches. You lose.
Wait a minute.
Copy !req
809. You scratching the right side?
Copy !req
810. - Doesn't matter. Six or nine—
- You have three on both sides.
Copy !req
811. If they match, don't you get something?
Copy !req
812. Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!
Copy !req
813. Hold it! Hold it!
Copy !req
814. All right, here we go.
Copy !req
815. What is it?
Copy !req
816. It's free. Look, it's nutritious.
it's delicious.
Copy !req
817. I brought it home from the diner.
It's meat loaf, Dad.
Copy !req
818. I'm only asking in case
I have to describe it later to a doctor.
Copy !req
819. Until either one of you
brings home a paycheck...
Copy !req
820. I don't want to hear any complaints.
Copy !req
821. How's the job hunting going?
Copy !req
822. - Good. I've seen about five people—
- I need a resume first of all, and—
Copy !req
823. Hold it! God, this is some family.
Copy !req
824. Every year, the two of you
get more and more alike.
Copy !req
825. All right, we ready?
Copy !req
826. Arthur, you need
some mashed potatoes. Here.
Copy !req
827. - I do?
- Yes. They're very good for you.
Copy !req
828. We're set.
Copy !req
829. You say the blessing, Arthur.
Copy !req
830. Blessing?
Copy !req
831. Yeah. Just tell us something
you're thankful for, huh?
Copy !req
832. Oh.
Copy !req
833. I'm thankful
I got the smallest piece of meat loaf.
Copy !req
834. It's a magical night.
Copy !req
835. Who could that be?
Copy !req
836. It's probably somebody
standing in the hall...
Copy !req
837. knocking on the door.
Copy !req
838. Maybe it's the mother of this meat loaf
coming to kill you.
Copy !req
839. It's all right. I got it, Dad.
Copy !req
840. Sit down, sweetheart. It's all right.
Don't pay any attention.
Copy !req
841. Yeah, Nick? What is it?
Copy !req
842. I understand there are two individuals
living here who are not on the lease.
Copy !req
843. They're family.
Copy !req
844. They're staying
until they get back on their feet.
Copy !req
845. I'm sorry, Ralph,
but this building's just been sold.
Copy !req
846. And the new owner is insisting
that all the regulations be enforced.
Copy !req
847. What are you trying to say?
Copy !req
848. In fact, he mentioned you specifically.
Copy !req
849. Wait a minute.
A new owner, did you say?
Copy !req
850. Let me guess.
Burt Johnson Enterprises.
Copy !req
851. Yeah. That's right.
Copy !req
852. You folks have enemies in high places.
You must have screwed up really bad.
Copy !req
853. 142. This has got to be it here.
Copy !req
854. Is that it?
140. Yeah. Okay, Arthur, look at me.
Copy !req
855. Now remember, let me do
the talking, okay? Here we go.
Copy !req
856. "Eat-in kitchen with IOL
in every room." What does that mean?
Copy !req
857. Who knows? Who cares?
Copy !req
858. It's the cheapest apartment in the city.
If it has a floor, we're taking it.
Copy !req
859. Ugh. It has a floor. We're doomed.
Copy !req
860. Honey, what is the super's name?
Copy !req
861. - Butterworth.
- Okay.
Copy !req
862. IOL. What does that mean? IOL.
Copy !req
863. - Hello.
- Hi.
Copy !req
864. I spoke to you earlier on the phone
about the apartment.
Copy !req
865. What?
Copy !req
866. I spoke to you earlier today on the
telephone about the apartment for rent.
Copy !req
867. Oh, yes, about the apartment.
Copy !req
868. Yes, I'm Linda Bach,
and this is my husband, Arthur.
Copy !req
869. - Yeah, but she'll be doing—
- Speak up, honey.
Copy !req
870. She'll do all the talking.
I can't be trusted.
Copy !req
871. - Don't yell!
- Right, right.
Copy !req
872. I suppose you want to see
the apartment.
Copy !req
873. - Yes, please.
- It's upstairs.
Copy !req
874. Apartment 5.
Copy !req
875. Great.
Copy !req
876. Gee, this is a beautiful place
you got here.
Copy !req
877. What are you, blind?
Copy !req
878. Here's something you've never seen.
Come here.
Copy !req
879. I had them put this electric chair in.
Copy !req
880. It's a brilliant idea.
Copy !req
881. - Yes, very nice.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
882. Bet you could.
Copy !req
883. Is it working?
Copy !req
884. Of course it's working.
We're on our way.
Copy !req
885. Look, maybe if you just gave us the key.
Copy !req
886. Sorry. Not allowed.
Copy !req
887. - Another step. All right.
- That felt great. Mm-hm.
Copy !req
888. It'll be a co-op by the time we get there.
Copy !req
889. Hold on. I've gotta tie my shoelace.
You go on ahead. I'll catch up.
Copy !req
890. You folks have any children?
Copy !req
891. - Not yet.
- Not yet.
Copy !req
892. - But we might have—
- By the time we see this apartment.
Copy !req
893. I think you'll like it.
Copy !req
894. It's got IOL in every room.
Copy !req
895. IOL.
Island of Love.
Copy !req
896. - No. Interoffice Lubrication.
- That must be it.
Copy !req
897. You know, Ferrari makes this.
There's just a few bugs to work out.
Copy !req
898. What is IOL?
Copy !req
899. You'll find out soon enough.
Copy !req
900. Well, here we are.
Copy !req
901. - Can I help you?
- No.
Copy !req
902. Don't do it. Thank God.
Copy !req
903. The artist who lives here
couldn't pay his rent. Bum.
Copy !req
904. This is the living room.
Copy !req
905. Come. I'll show you the kitchen.
Copy !req
906. - Let's get out of here.
- Wait. Let's give it a chance.
Copy !req
907. Your stove, refrigerator, sink, cabinets...
Copy !req
908. everything handy.
Copy !req
909. Don't get too attached
to any of this stuff.
Copy !req
910. The guy who lives here
is taking everything with him.
Copy !req
911. - What is that smell?
- Bug bomb.
Copy !req
912. They work much better
than the Roach Motel.
Copy !req
913. The roach motel wouldn't look
that bad to me right now.
Copy !req
914. The bedroom.
Copy !req
915. Beautiful view.
Copy !req
916. Oh, I almost forgot. Here, come here.
Copy !req
917. I want to show you something.
Copy !req
918. Watch this.
Copy !req
919. See? Instant On Lighting.
Copy !req
920. IOL in every room.
Copy !req
921. Instant on lighting?
Copy !req
922. Honey, look. It's true.
There's virtually no delay.
Copy !req
923. I thought it was some sort of come-on.
Come here and try this.
Copy !req
924. You're asking $800—
Copy !req
925. - Arthur!
- I'm hooked.
Copy !req
926. You're asking $850 for this place
with a straight face?
Copy !req
927. - In advance.
- IOL. Come on.
Copy !req
928. Look, I've only been working two weeks.
I've got $350. You take it...
Copy !req
929. or you leave it.
Copy !req
930. I'll take it. Here's the key. I'll send
the lease up to you in the morning.
Copy !req
931. - You'd better get started.
- That's 12 hours away.
Copy !req
932. - He'll never make it.
- Thanks a lot. That's it. He won't make that.
Copy !req
933. God, IOL. IOL. I've always dreamt of IOL.
Copy !req
934. Hey. Listen.
Copy !req
935. We clean this place up,
we paint the walls...
Copy !req
936. this place would be a shit hole.
Copy !req
937. You know?
Copy !req
938. We're not staying here one moment
longer than we have to, all right?
Copy !req
939. But right now, this is it.
This is what we got.
Copy !req
940. I'm gonna make this work.
Copy !req
941. We can make this work.
I can clean this place up just fine.
Copy !req
942. I mean, lots of families
live in much worse than this.
Copy !req
943. But, Arthur...
Copy !req
944. honey, we're gonna have to
become a two-income family.
Copy !req
945. You're gonna get a second job?
Sorry, sorry.
Copy !req
946. Listen, I'm gonna apply
for unemployment.
Copy !req
947. You cannot collect unemployment
until you've worked some—
Copy !req
948. Oh, Arthur!
Copy !req
949. What do you expect me to do?
I mean, what am I trained to do?
Copy !req
950. For chrissake, you went to Harvard.
Copy !req
951. I did?
Copy !req
952. Arthur, what did you major in?
Copy !req
953. Ballet.
Copy !req
954. Fine. Fine.
Copy !req
955. You're not even gonna try? That's fine.
Copy !req
956. You're not even gonna try to help.
Copy !req
957. Hey, try what? I mean, tell me.
What do you want me to do?
Copy !req
958. - I want you to grow up.
- Grow up?
Copy !req
959. - I want you to get a job.
- Fine.
Copy !req
960. This is real life, Arthur. I mean, this is it.
Copy !req
961. This is it?
Copy !req
962. - Fine.
- Fine. There's the door.
Copy !req
963. That's the door.
Copy !req
964. I wondered what it was
with the brass knob and the chain...
Copy !req
965. and the little hole you peep through...
Copy !req
966. and the "gents" restroom—
I know where the door is.
Copy !req
967. Do you know where a job is?
Copy !req
968. Fine.
Copy !req
969. Fine.
Copy !req
970. And maybe you shouldn't wait up
because I might not be back.
Copy !req
971. - Oh, fine.
- Yeah, I am off.
Copy !req
972. Fine.
Copy !req
973. Fine, I am really off.
Copy !req
974. - Fine.
- Fine.
Copy !req
975. Arthur, don't procrastinate.
Copy !req
976. If you say you're gonna
do something, do it.
Copy !req
977. You go to the door, take the knob,
and move your ass. Mrs. Canby.
Copy !req
978. Mrs. Canby? What—?
Copy !req
979. Uh, Mr. Marolla said I could find you here.
Is this a bad time?
Copy !req
980. - No. No.
- No. No.
Copy !req
981. - Why don't you come in?
- Come in.
Copy !req
982. Yeah, come on in.
Copy !req
983. Yeah. Suffered a minor setback
since we last saw you.
Copy !req
984. Yes, I know. Linda filled me in a little.
Copy !req
985. - Change of address.
- Heart attack.
Copy !req
986. I called her, Arthur.
I had to. I wanted to...
Copy !req
987. Park Avenue gets on your nerves
after a while.
Copy !req
988. Look, we just got here ourselves,
Mrs. Canby, so...
Copy !req
989. But it's...
Copy !req
990. It's fine. I mean, look, there's the fireplace,
and it evidently works.
Copy !req
991. I'll give you a tour.
Copy !req
992. Here's the kitchen,
which is really convenient, you know.
Copy !req
993. That's a bug bomb.
Copy !req
994. Yeah, it's better than Roach Motel. Yeah.
Copy !req
995. - Safer too.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
996. And this is the bedroom.
Copy !req
997. See, Mrs. Canby,
what I thought we could do is...
Copy !req
998. move the bed over to there...
Copy !req
999. even if it blocks the bathroom a bit,
because this gives a bigger area...
Copy !req
1000. for the nursery, you know.
Copy !req
1001. It's light and sunny—
Copy !req
1002. We're gonna let the kid
keep all the mice he catches.
Copy !req
1003. We've blown it, haven't we, Mrs. Canby?
Copy !req
1004. No, you haven't.
Oh, come on, this will be fine.
Copy !req
1005. Why don't we all go in the living room
and sit down and talk?
Copy !req
1006. Come on.
Copy !req
1007. We had such a nice house.
Copy !req
1008. Some of my favorite people
were raised in worse places than this.
Copy !req
1009. This used to be an artist's place,
as you can tell.
Copy !req
1010. Yeah, he's gonna come
pick this stuff up soon, I hope.
Copy !req
1011. I'll sit on this.
Copy !req
1012. Get the pecking order right.
Copy !req
1013. So, Linda, you told me
you're working at a diner.
Copy !req
1014. Yes. You can drop by any time you want.
All the free food you can eat.
Copy !req
1015. Yeah. I recommend the meat loaf.
it's great. It was great.
Copy !req
1016. - I enjoyed it.
- Well, thank you.
Copy !req
1017. How about you, Arthur?
How are you doing with your drinking?
Copy !req
1018. Great. Great.
Copy !req
1019. Have you been looking for a job?
Copy !req
1020. We were just discussing that
before you—
Copy !req
1021. You know something?
He was on his way out when you came in.
Copy !req
1022. Oh, that's terrific,
because I've got some news.
Copy !req
1023. What news?
Copy !req
1024. There's a baby.
Copy !req
1025. - There's a baby?
- What? Did you hear that, Arthur?
Copy !req
1026. Of course I did. I'm sitting closer to her.
I heard it before you.
Copy !req
1027. Wait. There's a baby?
Copy !req
1028. There's an unwed mother...
Copy !req
1029. and her due date
is less than two weeks away.
Copy !req
1030. And she wants to give up her baby
for adoption?
Copy !req
1031. - Oh, my God, I gotta get busy.
- Oh, that's great.
Copy !req
1032. This is very, very unofficial,
but I would like to see it happen.
Copy !req
1033. - Oh, Mrs. Canby.
- Us too, us too.
Copy !req
1034. - I wasn't here today.
- Okay. Okay.
Copy !req
1035. I'll be back next week.
Can you have these walls painted by then?
Copy !req
1036. What's your favorite color? Absolutely.
Copy !req
1037. And can you have
some furniture in this room?
Copy !req
1038. Absolutely.
Copy !req
1039. And, Arthur, can you stay off the drinking
and get a job?
Copy !req
1040. - Abso—
- Absolutely.
Copy !req
1041. Absolutely.
Copy !req
1042. Look, just think of it
as a big toy store for grown-ups.
Copy !req
1043. - Oh, okay. Yeah, that's a real help.
- It's gonna be fine.
Copy !req
1044. Yeah, I know.
Copy !req
1045. - What are you writing, honey?
- Well—
Copy !req
1046. Never mind. Doesn't matter.
He won't read that.
Copy !req
1047. It's what you do in person.
it's how you talk to him.
Copy !req
1048. If you're not nervous.
You'll get the job. Don't be nervous.
Copy !req
1049. Sit over there. Okay. Next.
Copy !req
1050. - Come on in.
- Good luck, darling.
Copy !req
1051. Sit down.
Copy !req
1052. Last job held...
Copy !req
1053. millionaire playboy?
Copy !req
1054. - Right.
- Exactly what did that entail?
Copy !req
1055. Well, I raced cars. I bred horses.
Copy !req
1056. I yachted. The usual.
Copy !req
1057. Mr. Bach, this is a hardware store.
Copy !req
1058. Have you ever been
inside a hardware store?
Copy !req
1059. Well, no, not actually inside,
I must confess.
Copy !req
1060. Once I overheard the servants talk
about how they had to go to one.
Copy !req
1061. - You deal in tools, right?
- Servants?
Copy !req
1062. That's one for the books.
Copy !req
1063. Hey, you're laughing.
Copy !req
1064. That means you like me.
Copy !req
1065. It's going great.
He's laughing and everything.
Copy !req
1066. I'll keep you informed.
Copy !req
1067. We're getting on fine, aren't we?
Copy !req
1068. Arthur, we're looking for somebody
who's honest...
Copy !req
1069. not afraid to learn,
and not afraid to do a little hard work.
Copy !req
1070. Well, Hank, if you hire me,
I'll help you look.
Copy !req
1071. How do I think of these things?
Wait a minute.
Copy !req
1072. I just got off a great zinger
about helping him look.
Copy !req
1073. It's in the bag.
Copy !req
1074. This is sort of new to you.
How about a drink?
Copy !req
1075. Oh, no, no. It's not time.
Copy !req
1076. Now it's time.
Copy !req
1077. Arthur, what are you doing here?
Copy !req
1078. I'm having a drink with you.
Copy !req
1079. Come on, Arthur, really.
What are you doing here?
Copy !req
1080. Well, my wife is trying to adopt a baby...
Copy !req
1081. and the agency said
I have to have a job.
Copy !req
1082. You know, she's really depending on me.
Copy !req
1083. Nobody's ever depended on me ever
for anything.
Copy !req
1084. I'm scared to death, but here I am.
Copy !req
1085. Everybody says we're supposed to give
kids without any experience a break.
Copy !req
1086. I don't see why I can't give somebody
my own age a break, also.
Copy !req
1087. - That's good, right?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1088. - What you said about a break.
- Sure.
Copy !req
1089. We had a sentimental moment.
He said something about giving a break.
Copy !req
1090. I'm drinking the man's gin,
so I think the rest of you can call it a day.
Copy !req
1091. - You got the job!
- I may be jumping the—
Copy !req
1092. - Hello. How do you do?
- Hank, this is my wife.
Copy !req
1093. - Oh, how do you do?
- Yeah, I think—
Copy !req
1094. - I think it's okay.
- How do you do?
Copy !req
1095. Here we go. Here's a blank embryo key.
Copy !req
1096. You see, we put the original in here.
Copy !req
1097. Lock the little key in there,
and then we put the one...
Copy !req
1098. that you're gonna have done
right in there.
Copy !req
1099. Then we do that,
and then we press that...
Copy !req
1100. and we just let it go on its own.
Copy !req
1101. I can almost sing what it says now.
Copy !req
1102. Believe it or not, that is done.
Copy !req
1103. - That's quick too, isn't it?
- Yeah. It's quick. Quick as a flash.
Copy !req
1104. Oh, God. Here we are.
There's the original.
Copy !req
1105. Now, it's got
a few bits and pieces on here.
Copy !req
1106. And I'll just take this off
and make sure you can get in the door.
Copy !req
1107. Otherwise, you wouldn't
be able to move it in there.
Copy !req
1108. You see?
Copy !req
1109. Here we are.
Copy !req
1110. You might have to jiggle it a bit, but...
Copy !req
1111. Be sure to save your receipt.
Copy !req
1112. Excuse me. Would this work
on fabricated half-inch pipe?
Copy !req
1113. Are you kidding? This thing was made
for fabricated half-inch pipe.
Copy !req
1114. This thing's middle name
is fabricated half-inch pipe.
Copy !req
1115. Fabricated half-inch pipe!
Watch out! Here comes its thing!
Copy !req
1116. What's wrong with you?
Copy !req
1117. Nothing. I've just gone all day
without a nap.
Copy !req
1118. It's $8.99 plus tax.
Copy !req
1119. Eight ninety-nine plus tax.
Copy !req
1120. Total...
Copy !req
1121. Open up. Open up!
Copy !req
1122. Open up!
Copy !req
1123. Amityville cash register.
Copy !req
1124. Forget it. Life's too short.
Copy !req
1125. Hi. Can I help you?
Copy !req
1126. What is fabricated half-inch pipe,
anyway?
Copy !req
1127. - Hey. Hank.
- Arthur, do you have a minute?
Copy !req
1128. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Everything's going great.
No problems at all.
Copy !req
1129. There is one thing.
Hardly worth mentioning.
Copy !req
1130. I can't get these
stupid machines to work.
Copy !req
1131. Arthur, I'm sorry.
I've got some bad news.
Copy !req
1132. I have to let you go.
Copy !req
1133. But wait a minute, I just got here, Hank.
Copy !req
1134. You said you'd give me a chance.
Copy !req
1135. No, no, no, it's not me.
Copy !req
1136. The store's just been sold,
and the new owner wants you out.
Copy !req
1137. He mentioned you by name.
I'll probably be next.
Copy !req
1138. I don't understand it myself.
Here, maybe this will help.
Copy !req
1139. No. I've just been here half a day.
Copy !req
1140. I think I broke your cash register.
Copy !req
1141. Go on. Take it.
Copy !req
1142. Boy, I feel awful.
Copy !req
1143. Thanks, Hank.
Copy !req
1144. I'll pay you back.
Copy !req
1145. Come in, Mr. Butterworth.
The door is open.
Copy !req
1146. Hello, Linda.
Copy !req
1147. Oh, you're not Mr. Butterworth.
I can tell by the coat.
Copy !req
1148. What do you want?
Copy !req
1149. I think we should talk.
Copy !req
1150. Oh, really?
Copy !req
1151. I tell you, I'm really busy.
I'm redecorating, as you can tell...
Copy !req
1152. and House Beautiful is coming
at any minute.
Copy !req
1153. I see.
Copy !req
1154. It's so you.
Copy !req
1155. Look, if you just dropped by to see
if Arthur and I are falling apart...
Copy !req
1156. you're gonna be disappointed.
Copy !req
1157. We're doing fine.
Copy !req
1158. We're together. We're happy.
Copy !req
1159. And Arthur got a job.
Copy !req
1160. By the way, Arthur's been fired.
Copy !req
1161. My father bought that store.
Copy !req
1162. It's going to be very difficult for Arthur
to find employment anywhere...
Copy !req
1163. with my father around.
Copy !req
1164. You see, Daddy just doesn't know
the meaning of the word "surrender."
Copy !req
1165. Yeah.
Copy !req
1166. I'm sure the word "decency"
would stump him too.
Copy !req
1167. Linda, let's get to the bottom line.
Copy !req
1168. Arthur can't survive without the money.
Copy !req
1169. Money is like air to him.
He needs it to breathe.
Copy !req
1170. - He's dying, Linda.
- Just a minute.
Copy !req
1171. What makes you think
you can walk in here...
Copy !req
1172. and talk about my family like that?
Copy !req
1173. You have no idea what Arthur needs...
Copy !req
1174. - ... what'll make him happy.
- Mm-hm.
Copy !req
1175. You just care about what you want.
Copy !req
1176. What's good for you.
Copy !req
1177. You people think
you can buy everything.
Copy !req
1178. Well, you can't buy me,
and my husband's not for sale.
Copy !req
1179. Now, this conversation is over.
Copy !req
1180. There's the door, or I can throw you
out the window. It's up to you.
Copy !req
1181. And another thing.
Copy !req
1182. We both know that being a father
would be wonderful for Arthur.
Copy !req
1183. It would give him the kind of stability
he so desperately needs...
Copy !req
1184. and it would give him an heir.
Copy !req
1185. I've heard about your problem.
Copy !req
1186. - What problem?
- I can have children.
Copy !req
1187. I'm as fertile as the Napa Valley.
Copy !req
1188. If you love Arthur, and I believe you do...
Copy !req
1189. then I know you'll do
what's best for him.
Copy !req
1190. I've got to run.
Let's have lunch sometime.
Copy !req
1191. Uptown.
Copy !req
1192. Oh, Arthur.
Copy !req
1193. Who needed that job anyway?
Copy !req
1194. I can't believe that man
complained about that lovely new key.
Copy !req
1195. Hi, Mr. Butterworth. How are you?
Copy !req
1196. Very fine, thank you.
I'll have a drink, thank you.
Copy !req
1197. Oh, hello, Mr. Butterworth. How are you?
Copy !req
1198. - What are you doing?
- Changing the lock.
Copy !req
1199. - Why? Where's Linda?
- She's gone.
Copy !req
1200. - What do you mean she's gone?
- Canceled the lease.
Copy !req
1201. Canceled the lease?
Copy !req
1202. Here. She left you this.
Copy !req
1203. Read it out loud. The radio's broken.
Copy !req
1204. Bloody...
Copy !req
1205. "Dearest Arthur."
Copy !req
1206. That's a good start.
Copy !req
1207. "I can't stay anymore.
Copy !req
1208. I realize now...
Copy !req
1209. that Johnson will never give up.
Copy !req
1210. I can't bear to see you suffer like this.
Copy !req
1211. I know it's because of me."
Copy !req
1212. It's not because...
Copy !req
1213. " I've...
Copy !req
1214. I've never been very good
at goodbyes...
Copy !req
1215. Arthur...
Copy !req
1216. so I'll just say that I love you
and adore you...
Copy !req
1217. and I always will.
Copy !req
1218. Linda."
Copy !req
1219. Sort of goes downhill, doesn't it?
Copy !req
1220. Come on, Ralph. I know she's in there.
Just let me talk to her.
Copy !req
1221. I'm not here.
Copy !req
1222. She's not here.
Copy !req
1223. Just tell him to go away.
Tell him to go away.
Copy !req
1224. She says go away.
Copy !req
1225. How can she say go away
if she's not there?
Copy !req
1226. I'd ask her, but she's not here.
Copy !req
1227. Oh, God.
Copy !req
1228. Arthur; take care of yourself
Copy !req
1229. Beautiful. Beautiful. Yeah, good.
Copy !req
1230. The brother-in-law's over with the dog.
Copy !req
1231. She sends my own kid over to me
to ask me for money for them.
Copy !req
1232. So I said, "Give me a break.
I'm out of work."
Copy !req
1233. Hey. You in the coat.
Copy !req
1234. Yeah, you. You. Hey!
Copy !req
1235. - What?
- Don't I know you?
Copy !req
1236. - No. No.
- No, huh?
Copy !req
1237. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know you.
Copy !req
1238. Yeah. Hi, how are you?
Copy !req
1239. I know this guy. We go back a long time.
Copy !req
1240. I know this guy.
Copy !req
1241. I know you.
Copy !req
1242. - Oh.
- I delivered some stuff to your house.
Copy !req
1243. I hope I tipped you.
Copy !req
1244. Yeah, sure, sure, sure. Oh, he's funny.
Copy !req
1245. - You used to have a butler.
- Oh, yeah. Fairchild.
Copy !req
1246. He used to come in,
and he would take his pulse...
Copy !req
1247. and put mirrors under his nose
and shit...
Copy !req
1248. to see if he was still breathing.
Copy !req
1249. - You were terrific. You were funny.
- Nice guy, Fairchild.
Copy !req
1250. This is nice.
Copy !req
1251. You had money or something?
You were rich?
Copy !req
1252. Yeah. Very rich, yeah. $750 million.
Copy !req
1253. Woof, woof, woof.
Copy !req
1254. Yeah, and this was back when $750 million
was considered a lot of money.
Copy !req
1255. Oh, yeah, well...
Copy !req
1256. - I got that, I got that.
- Yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
1257. I used to buy a new couch every week
to match the TV Guide.
Copy !req
1258. TV Guide. I'm dying here.
Copy !req
1259. No, I was rolling in it.
Copy !req
1260. I used to buy a new couch every week
to match the TV Guide.
Copy !req
1261. You heard that one before?
Copy !req
1262. What happened? I don't understand.
Copy !req
1263. Oh, I lost it. I lost it all.
Copy !req
1264. - Aw, gee.
- Aw, gee.
Copy !req
1265. - 750 million smackers.
- Jeez.
Copy !req
1266. I just don't know where it is.
Copy !req
1267. I've looked everywhere.
Under the couch, behind the refrigerator.
Copy !req
1268. Didn't I tell you? The guy is funny.
Copy !req
1269. Tell them what you told me
about the half-inch pipe.
Copy !req
1270. Yeah. Fabricated half-inch pipe.
Copy !req
1271. What was the tool
that you used with that?
Copy !req
1272. Fabricated half-inch—
The kind of tool?
Copy !req
1273. - Yeah, what kind of tool?
- You need a ratchet.
Copy !req
1274. - What do you know about pipes?
- I used to do toilets.
Copy !req
1275. - What kind of tool was it?
- You take both hands and grab it.
Copy !req
1276. It's time for me
to shout "Europe" at the sink.
Copy !req
1277. - Shout what?
- Shout "Europe" at the sink.
Copy !req
1278. - "Europe" who?
- You're up.
Copy !req
1279. - I'm dying. Doesn't he kill you?
- Where did you find this guy?
Copy !req
1280. - Play something.
- Play something.
Copy !req
1281. Play something.
Copy !req
1282. Sit down!
Copy !req
1283. Have I got time, I ask myself.
Copy !req
1284. Hold on. All right.
Copy !req
1285. Where is my fabricated
Half-inch pipe?
Copy !req
1286. Give me my fabricated half-inch pipe
Copy !req
1287. Please give me that old
Fabricated half-inch pipe
Copy !req
1288. And I'll beat the crap out of you
Copy !req
1289. Beat the crap out of you!
Copy !req
1290. He's beautiful. He's beautiful.
Copy !req
1291. You got two burgers,
a lunch special and fries coming up, okay?
Copy !req
1292. - Coffee.
- Is this decaf?
Copy !req
1293. No. Did you ask for decaf?
Copy !req
1294. I asked you twice for decaf.
Is that a problem here?
Copy !req
1295. A little water would be nice, too,
if you're not busy.
Copy !req
1296. - You want to fight?
- No.
Copy !req
1297. I just can't drink this stuff, gives me gas.
Copy !req
1298. Sorry to hear that.
Copy !req
1299. Damn it.
Copy !req
1300. Are you okay?
Copy !req
1301. Yeah.
Copy !req
1302. - Anything I can do for you?
- No, honey. I'm fine.
Copy !req
1303. Hey, honey. Where's my hamburger?
Copy !req
1304. I honestly don't know.
Copy !req
1305. "I've never been very good
at goodbyes, Arthur...
Copy !req
1306. so I'll just say that I love you...
Copy !req
1307. and adore you...
Copy !req
1308. and always will.
Copy !req
1309. Linda."
Copy !req
1310. Hey, man, I'm tired of hearing you
read that stuff.
Copy !req
1311. Ain't you got anything else to do?
Copy !req
1312. "Dearest Arthur.
Copy !req
1313. I can't stay anymore."
Copy !req
1314. Hey, Frank. Let me tell you something.
Copy !req
1315. Hi, sir.
Copy !req
1316. - Want a drink?
- Thank you. In a moment.
Copy !req
1317. "Dearest Arthur...
Copy !req
1318. I can't stay anymore.
Copy !req
1319. What are you doing?
it's my car. I saw it first.
Copy !req
1320. You've been copping all my business.
You take a walk!
Copy !req
1321. I'll take the yellow car.
Nicer class of person altogether.
Copy !req
1322. - Get out of here. Get a job.
- I got a job. I had one.
Copy !req
1323. The cash register wouldn't open.
Copy !req
1324. Nice type of person. Let's have lunch!
Copy !req
1325. There's nothing like being
in the middle of a road.
Copy !req
1326. Big car. Lovely.
Copy !req
1327. - Mr. Bach.
- Bitterman! How the hell are you?
Copy !req
1328. Sir, is that you?
What are you doing here?
Copy !req
1329. They said I'd never make it, Bitterman.
Copy !req
1330. They said the city would eat me alive.
Now look at me. I have my own pail.
Copy !req
1331. I have my own squeegee sponge.
I showed them all.
Copy !req
1332. - Sir, can I give you some help?
- No, I don't need any help.
Copy !req
1333. I've washed Windshields
10 times dirtier than this.
Copy !req
1334. Martha!
Copy !req
1335. - What are you doing?
- I was just washing—
Copy !req
1336. Are you going to marry
Susan Johnson or not?
Copy !req
1337. Listen, I told you I can't.
You don't seem to—
Copy !req
1338. - Get that thing out of my face.
- I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1339. Enough is enough, Arthur.
Marry the bitch.
Copy !req
1340. You marry her, Martha!
Copy !req
1341. Holy...
Copy !req
1342. Of course, my family,
the Bach family, owns about 40 percent.
Copy !req
1343. Exactly 40 percent.
Copy !req
1344. We each own 40 percent.
Copy !req
1345. And then, of course, Mr. Johnson...
Copy !req
1346. old clever dick...
Copy !req
1347. he bought up
the controlling interest, 20 percent...
Copy !req
1348. because he wants me to marry Susan,
but I don't love Susan.
Copy !req
1349. - Shh.
- Oh. Shh, right.
Copy !req
1350. I don't want to talk about it.
You're quite right.
Copy !req
1351. Then Mrs. Canby...
Copy !req
1352. Mrs. Canby said I needed a job.
But the cash register would not open.
Copy !req
1353. Yeah. Absolutely.
It was a very quiet cash register.
Copy !req
1354. Very, very quiet.
Copy !req
1355. Then Linda left me a note.
Copy !req
1356. I've got it. It's not too long.
I'll read it to you.
Copy !req
1357. Hello, Arthur.
Copy !req
1358. Hob— Hob...
Copy !req
1359. Hob...
Copy !req
1360. Yes, very well put.
Brevity is the soul of wit.
Copy !req
1361. Hobson?
Copy !req
1362. - But you're, um ...
- Dead.
Copy !req
1363. Yes, I am dead.
Copy !req
1364. How tactful of you to mention it.
Copy !req
1365. Our little conversation is off
to a most auspicious start.
Copy !req
1366. So this is...
Copy !req
1367. What? A dream?
Copy !req
1368. A dream? Perhaps.
Copy !req
1369. My money would be on
a drunken stupor.
Copy !req
1370. What can I do, Hobson?
Copy !req
1371. I mean, what would you do
if you were me?
Copy !req
1372. The word "bathe" comes to mind.
Copy !req
1373. I was sorry to hear
about you and Linda, Arthur.
Copy !req
1374. - A wife like that is hard to find.
- Still is.
Copy !req
1375. Come on, Hobson. It's a joke.
Copy !req
1376. What's the matter,
you don't get it, Hobson?
Copy !req
1377. No. Well, of course,
the Crematorium fried your brain.
Copy !req
1378. I keep forgetting you don't have
a sense of humor anymore.
Copy !req
1379. - Come on, fella. Let's move along.
- All right.
Copy !req
1380. God, I've missed you, Hobson.
Copy !req
1381. - I've never been far.
- Yeah. I've felt that.
Copy !req
1382. I've had my eye on you, Arthur.
Copy !req
1383. You can't imagine
how proud I've been...
Copy !req
1384. watching you rooting through
garbage cans...
Copy !req
1385. searching out discarded
McNugget boxes.
Copy !req
1386. - You saw that.
- Yes.
Copy !req
1387. If projectile vomiting
ever becomes an Olympic event...
Copy !req
1388. you'll do your country proud.
Copy !req
1389. I'm trying, you know.
Yesterday I sold some blood at a hospital.
Copy !req
1390. Hospital?
Copy !req
1391. I should have thought a local distillery
would have paid you much more.
Copy !req
1392. How have I gotten along
without you, Hobson?
Copy !req
1393. - Obviously not very well.
- I wouldn't say that, Hobson.
Copy !req
1394. I love the circus.
Copy !req
1395. Remember you used to bring me here
every year, Hobson?
Copy !req
1396. I used to try and run up to all the clowns
and squeeze their noses.
Copy !req
1397. After the age of 30,
it becomes a bit embarrassing.
Copy !req
1398. Really? Did I embarrass you, Hobson?
Copy !req
1399. Only every waking moment.
Copy !req
1400. Why do women wear so much makeup?
Copy !req
1401. I find it so unappealing.
What do you think, Hobson?
Copy !req
1402. - I think I've come just in time.
- Oh.
Copy !req
1403. Get out and stay out!
I better not catch you here again.
Copy !req
1404. isn't this where
Miss Johnson lives?
Copy !req
1405. That's right.
Copy !req
1406. - So you're giving up.
- Absolutely.
Copy !req
1407. Absolutely. I'm giving up.
Copy !req
1408. I'm cutting my losses. I'm quitting.
Copy !req
1409. Of course you are.
Why break with tradition?
Copy !req
1410. May I help you?
Copy !req
1411. Oh, yeah. Yes. Um...
Copy !req
1412. Is Susan Johnson in?
I've come to marry the bitch.
Copy !req
1413. Is Miss Johnson a friend of yours?
Copy !req
1414. That's a most perceptive question.
Copy !req
1415. Cuts right to the heart of the matter;
doesn't it, Arthur?
Copy !req
1416. Yeah.
Copy !req
1417. Yeah.
Copy !req
1418. You're right. She's no friend of mine.
Copy !req
1419. What am I doing here?
Copy !req
1420. She isn't even a friend of mine,
and I'm thinking of marrying her?
Copy !req
1421. God. Here, thank you.
Copy !req
1422. Thank you both. You two were terrific.
Copy !req
1423. Honestly, this was better
than 20 years in therapy.
Copy !req
1424. Thank you so much.
You ought to have your own TV show...
Copy !req
1425. or at the very least
not have to wear that hat.
Copy !req
1426. Come on, Hobson. God, I nearly ...
Can you believe that?
Copy !req
1427. I almost went in there
and asked her to marry me.
Copy !req
1428. Arthur. Wake up, Arthur.
Copy !req
1429. Plenty of time to sleep later.
Copy !req
1430. What a delightful place.
Copy !req
1431. How nice of them to let you in
without a reservation.
Copy !req
1432. Kicking the bucket
hasn't changed you a bit, has it?
Copy !req
1433. You! Could you keep it down?
Hey.
Copy !req
1434. If you don't mind, I'm talking
to my butler whom I haven't seen...
Copy !req
1435. since he passed away five years ago.
Copy !req
1436. Yeah, I'm playing blackjack
with Uncle Rudy who died in 1956.
Copy !req
1437. But at least he has the decency
to keep quiet.
Copy !req
1438. Okay, Uncle Rudy, hit me.
Copy !req
1439. What does that tell you?
Copy !req
1440. Hit me!
Copy !req
1441. - Maybe we should go somewhere else.
- Yes.
Copy !req
1442. If possible, somewhere upwind.
Copy !req
1443. - God. Look at me, Hobson.
- No, thank you.
Copy !req
1444. You can get this out, right?
Copy !req
1445. I'm not on salary anymore, Arthur.
You're on your own.
Copy !req
1446. The fact is, I've got to leave you shortly.
Copy !req
1447. They only gave me a half day.
Copy !req
1448. No, no, no, Hobson. No, you can't.
Copy !req
1449. You're all I've got. I've lost Linda...
Copy !req
1450. ...I've lost all the money.
I'm a drowning man, Hobson.
Copy !req
1451. I wish I were dead. No offense.
Copy !req
1452. None taken.
Copy !req
1453. You spoiled little shit.
Copy !req
1454. You thought your life
was going to be one big party, didn't you?
Copy !req
1455. Now you know. Parties don't last forever.
Copy !req
1456. I don't want you to end up here, Arthur...
Copy !req
1457. sleeping alone,
playing blackjack with Uncle Rudy.
Copy !req
1458. I can't bear that.
Copy !req
1459. I've told you before you can do anything
with your life that you want to.
Copy !req
1460. Stop your drinking, Arthur.
Copy !req
1461. Why should I bother?
Copy !req
1462. Give me one good reason.
Copy !req
1463. I've seen your son.
Copy !req
1464. - You've seen ...
- He's a splendid boy, Arthur, wonderful.
Copy !req
1465. Bright blue eyes.
Copy !req
1466. He smiles all the time.
Copy !req
1467. I like him, Arthur. You will too.
Copy !req
1468. Oh.
Copy !req
1469. Old man, you're not playing fair.
Copy !req
1470. I've told him all about you, Arthur...
Copy !req
1471. but he wants to meet you all the same.
Copy !req
1472. It's up to you, Arthur.
Copy !req
1473. It always has been.
Copy !req
1474. Blackjack.
What?
Copy !req
1475. I said, blackjack.
Copy !req
1476. Come on, Martha, shake and move!
Copy !req
1477. Get it going! Yeah! Move it! Move it!
Copy !req
1478. Shake those buns! Shake those bones!
Move it!
Copy !req
1479. Move it! Whoo! Get the arms going!
Copy !req
1480. Martha.
Copy !req
1481. Martha, I have to talk to you.
Copy !req
1482. Arthur, I'm in the middle of a workout.
Copy !req
1483. - I understand that—
- It's okay, it's okay, Martha.
Copy !req
1484. Why don't we take a break?
You look a little bit tired.
Copy !req
1485. I'll be in the next room if you want me.
Copy !req
1486. Of course I want him...
Copy !req
1487. but it would probably kill me.
Copy !req
1488. Arthur, what's happened to you?
Copy !req
1489. You've changed. Are you taller?
Copy !req
1490. I feel taller, Martha.
Unless, of course, you're shrinking.
Copy !req
1491. Yeah. Um...
Copy !req
1492. Martha...
Copy !req
1493. You know, a few years ago,
Linda bought a scrapbook.
Copy !req
1494. And she wanted
a picture of me and my father.
Copy !req
1495. Now, I looked everywhere...
Copy !req
1496. and I couldn't find one.
Copy !req
1497. Not one of us together, you know.
Copy !req
1498. We never did anything together.
We never shared anything.
Copy !req
1499. Now I know I can do better, Martha,
I know that now.
Copy !req
1500. I can be a better father than he was.
But I can't do anything.
Copy !req
1501. I mean, I am paralyzed...
Copy !req
1502. as long as Burt Johnson
is on my back.
Copy !req
1503. But, Arthur, I've told you before.
I can't do anything to help you.
Copy !req
1504. - Martha, there must be—
- But if I were you...
Copy !req
1505. and 30 years younger...
Copy !req
1506. I'd try to find a man called...
Copy !req
1507. Noah Curtis.
Copy !req
1508. He and Burt Johnson
used to be partners in business.
Copy !req
1509. Then they had some sort of a falling-out.
Copy !req
1510. If Johnson has a skeleton in his closet,
Curtis would know.
Copy !req
1511. Noah Curtis, Martha?
Copy !req
1512. Thank you.
Copy !req
1513. Mr. Bach?
Copy !req
1514. I am Noah Curtis' son.
Copy !req
1515. My father died last year.
Copy !req
1516. After what Burt Johnson did to him...
Copy !req
1517. I'll do anything to help nail that thief.
Copy !req
1518. Here's a list of names of people
involved in that deal.
Copy !req
1519. Thank you.
I guess you'd be in a lot of trouble...
Copy !req
1520. if they knew what you were doing.
Copy !req
1521. No, not really.
Copy !req
1522. Then why did you want to meet me here?
Copy !req
1523. I park my car right over there.
Can I give you a lift somewhere?
Copy !req
1524. - No, no. Thank you very much.
- Bye.
Copy !req
1525. - You made it.
- Oh!
Copy !req
1526. You got the stuff?
Copy !req
1527. I used to live at the Waldorf-Astoria
till Burt Johnson did this to me.
Copy !req
1528. I've been waiting for years for somebody
with enough guts to take him on.
Copy !req
1529. Here it is.
Copy !req
1530. Good luck.
Copy !req
1531. Oh, thank you.
Copy !req
1532. Look at the beautiful skyline.
Copy !req
1533. Your name, sir?
Copy !req
1534. Name? Roger Basinforth Cummings III.
Copy !req
1535. I'm sorry, buddy.
This is a private Christmas party.
Copy !req
1536. - Merry Christmas to you, though.
- Merry Christmas.
Copy !req
1537. Neil, Pat.
Copy !req
1538. - I can't believe you came in from Texas.
- We're happy to be here.
Copy !req
1539. - You've lost some weight.
- About 20 pounds.
Copy !req
1540. Well, Robin, how are you?
Copy !req
1541. Thank you. Same to you.
Copy !req
1542. Mr. Johnson, it's a wonderful party!
Copy !req
1543. How are you? You're looking beautiful.
Copy !req
1544. Thank you.
You look pretty good yourself.
Copy !req
1545. - Daddy.
- Sunshine girl.
Copy !req
1546. - You did a beautiful job.
- Thank you. I'm glad you like it.
Copy !req
1547. Well, you have so many friends.
Copy !req
1548. Burt, how the hell are you?
You look great.
Copy !req
1549. Arthur, what are you doing here?
Copy !req
1550. I brought you a gift, Burt.
Is there somewhere we can talk?
Copy !req
1551. Oh?
Copy !req
1552. I think so. You follow me.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Copy !req
1553. So you've finally come to your senses.
We'll resolve this quickly.
Copy !req
1554. Then you can get a shave, clean up,
and join the party.
Copy !req
1555. It must have been awful for you out there,
alone in the cold.
Copy !req
1556. I was out there in the cold,
but I wasn't alone.
Copy !req
1557. - Arthur.
- Susan.
Copy !req
1558. I knew you'd come.
Copy !req
1559. I don't think I've ever seen you
while I'm sober.
Copy !req
1560. You have a very beautiful face
when it isn't going in and out of focus.
Copy !req
1561. - Now Arthur says he has a gift for me.
- What is it, Arthur?
Copy !req
1562. Um, it's a little gift you might not like.
Copy !req
1563. The Carlyle-Swinson buyout.
Copy !req
1564. The fraud, the extortion, it's all here.
I've got Earl Swinson's notes...
Copy !req
1565. financial records, everything.
Have a read. You might love it.
Copy !req
1566. My, my, my.
Copy !req
1567. That's very interesting.
You've certainly done your homework.
Copy !req
1568. I don't want to send you to jail.
I just want what's mine...
Copy !req
1569. plus a couple more of those
hors d'oeuvres, which are scrumptious.
Copy !req
1570. Arthur, what's this all about?
Copy !req
1571. Sunshine, don't you worry about anything.
Why don't you rejoin the party?
Copy !req
1572. No. I think I'll stay.
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1573. Burt, we're waiting for you
to make the big toast.
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1574. Frankie, Morty, come on in here.
Come on, come on.
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1575. I want you to meet Arthur Bach,
Stanford's boy.
Copy !req
1576. - The asshole?
- That's right.
Copy !req
1577. Arthur has just told me
a very amusing story.
Copy !req
1578. By the way, these gentlemen
are on my board of directors...
Copy !req
1579. so why don't you just tell them
what you told me?
Copy !req
1580. Well, there was fraud...
Copy !req
1581. committed by Mr. Johnson.
Copy !req
1582. Now, Arthur barges in here
and confronts me with evidence...
Copy !req
1583. about the Carlyle-Swinson buyout.
Now, would you believe it?
Copy !req
1584. What was that, 20 years ago?
Copy !req
1585. I remember it.
That was brilliant, Burt.
Copy !req
1586. You floated 10,000 shares
of stock that never existed.
Copy !req
1587. The Securities and Exchange Commission
never suspected a thing.
Copy !req
1588. He can't be prosecuted for that.
The statute of limitations has run out.
Copy !req
1589. Oh, Arthur, I think you could use a drink.
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1590. No, thanks. I don't drink.
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1591. Who said that?
Copy !req
1592. All right.
Now, let's cut all this nonsense out.
Copy !req
1593. When are we gonna set a date
for this wedding?
Copy !req
1594. There's not going to be a wedding.
Copy !req
1595. Don't you understand?
There's not going to be a wedding.
Copy !req
1596. You're not gonna screw up my family
the same way you screwed up yours.
Copy !req
1597. I want my life back.
Copy !req
1598. I want Linda. I want my son.
Copy !req
1599. Arthur. You've killed him!
Copy !req
1600. Burt, are you all right?
That concludes our presentation.
Copy !req
1601. Thank you so much for coming.
Please drive carefully.
Copy !req
1602. Come on, Burt.
You're all right. You're not hurt.
Copy !req
1603. Give him back his money.
Copy !req
1604. Arthur and I aren't right for each other.
I can see that now.
Copy !req
1605. I'll show you something else
you can see right now.
Copy !req
1606. - Wait, wait, wait!
- I should have killed you.
Copy !req
1607. - I should have done it six years ago.
- Daddy, no.
Copy !req
1608. - Is that a gun? That looks like—
- I'm tired of your crap, young man.
Copy !req
1609. You two Lovebirds are getting married.
Copy !req
1610. - Got a tuxedo or want me to rent one?
- Daddy, put that thing away.
Copy !req
1611. He hit me. Did you see him?
Nobody does that to me.
Copy !req
1612. Okay, nobody yell "pull."
Copy !req
1613. Daddy, he doesn't love me. It's over.
Copy !req
1614. Put that thing away.
Copy !req
1615. Don't make me tell Mom about your
weekend business trips to Florida.
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1616. - You wouldn't.
- I would.
Copy !req
1617. She would.
Copy !req
1618. All right.
Copy !req
1619. You can have the money. I don't care.
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1620. We'll keep all this between ourselves,
right, sunshine?
Copy !req
1621. Gentlemen, drinks are on me.
Copy !req
1622. He really is an asshole.
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1623. Come on, Arthur. I'll show you out.
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1624. - Thank you for in there.
- You're welcome.
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1625. - You know, it felt pretty good.
- Yeah.
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1626. You know, Susan, all in all...
Copy !req
1627. this has probably been
our most successful date ever.
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1628. - You gonna be all right?
- I think so.
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1629. Yeah.
Copy !req
1630. - Yeah, I think so too.
- Aww.
Copy !req
1631. Thank you.
Copy !req
1632. Excuse me.
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1633. Wow! Hey, look at this.
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1634. Hey. Cool.
Copy !req
1635. - This is it, Bitterman_
- Now's the time.
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1636. Yes, sir. Come on!
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1637. Great.
Copy !req
1638. Nice car. Whose is it?
Copy !req
1639. Arthur, you got it back!
You got everything back!
Copy !req
1640. How did you do it? What did you—?
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1641. I'll tell you later. Right now,
there's something I've got to know.
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1642. - What?
- Who sent you all this crap?
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1643. Arthur, I missed you so much.
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1644. Hello there.
Copy !req
1645. Oh. Mrs. Canby.
Copy !req
1646. Mrs. Canby. Oh.
Copy !req
1647. Oh!
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1648. Oh, Arthur.
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1649. He's beautiful.
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1650. You've got the beautiful part right,
but it's not a he.
Copy !req
1651. What? A girl? Are you sure?
Copy !req
1652. Honey, when a baby's born,
there's a visual test they do...
Copy !req
1653. that's usually pretty accurate.
Copy !req
1654. I know. It's just that...
Copy !req
1655. somebody I know had predicted a son.
Copy !req
1656. What? What, honey?
Copy !req
1657. I'm pregnant.
Copy !req
1658. Mrs. Canby! Anybody else?
Copy !req
1659. Hey, Bitterman. Hey.
Copy !req
1660. Take me and my one, two—
Oh, I can't stand it.
Copy !req
1661. My family home.
Copy !req
1662. Surprise!
Copy !req
1663. Oh, hello.
Copy !req
1664. Oh, Arthur.
Copy !req
1665. Hello, Maria. How are you?
it's nice to see you.
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1666. Hi, Maria. How are you?
Nice to see you again.
Copy !req
1667. - Farnsworth, how are you?
- Welcome home, sir.
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1668. - Greta, I've got something for you.
- Two, sir?
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1669. - Well, we'll explain later, Greta.
- Welcome home, sir.
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1670. Ames. Nice to see you.
Hey, well done, Fairchild.
Copy !req
1671. Thank you, sir.
Welcome home, sir. I missed you.
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1672. I've missed you too, Fairchild.
Merry Christmas.
Copy !req
1673. Merry Christmas, sir.
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1674. - Merry Christmas, Fairchild.
- Merry Christmas, madam.
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1675. She's beautiful.
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1676. - Sir, would you care to smell my rose?
- Of course.
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1677. It's lovely.
Copy !req
1678. Fairchild!
Copy !req
1679. Fairchild, you did well. She likes it.
Copy !req
1680. That's ridiculous.
Fairchild, get upstairs and pack your bags.
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1681. - Sir?
- God.
Copy !req
1682. Come on, Fairchild. I mean it.
Upstairs. Pack your things.
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1683. Yes, sir.
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1684. - Arthur, honey, don't you think—?
- Linda, this is between me and Fairchild.
Copy !req
1685. - Yes, but Arthur—
- I'll handle it.
Copy !req
1686. All right.
Copy !req
1687. - Is that everything?
- What? Oh, yes, sir.
Copy !req
1688. Fine. Follow me.
Copy !req
1689. Sir, that's Hobson's room.
Copy !req
1690. If Hobson should drop in...
Copy !req
1691. you get the couch.
Copy !req
1692. Excellent!
Copy !req
1693. What did he say?
Copy !req
1694. - You should have seen his face.
- I bet he nearly died.
Copy !req
1695. - Well, here we are.
- Hello, my darling. Hello.
Copy !req
1696. Why am I talking like this?
Copy !req
1697. Come on, angel. Come on, princess.
Copy !req
1698. Whoa.
Copy !req
1699. There you go.
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1700. There you go. There you go.
Copy !req