- 1. Bitterman, stop the car.
Stop— Stop the car. Girls, girls, g—
- 2. Hello, girls!
- 3. Would the more attractive of you
please step forward?
- 4. God, that's funny.
- 5. No, actually—
Actually, you're both very attractive.
- 6. Would—? Would the one who thinks
I'm attractive please step forward?
- 7. - Quickly as possible. Time is money.
- What'd you have in mind?
- 8. Uh, VD. I'm really into penicillin.
- 9. Now, that's funny.
- 10. Ahem. Actually, what I had in mind...
- 11. was spending the evening
with a stranger who loves me.
- 12. It's gonna cost you $100.
- 13. Oh, yeah?
What time do you get off work?
- 14. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
- 15. Let's make it $200.
But I will ask you to Simoniz my car.
- 16. Tell me, has there been a death
in your family?
- 17. This is funny stuff here.
- 18. Mm.
- 19. Bitterman, give her fr—
- 20. Give her friend $100.
She came in second.
- 21. - Who is that guy?
- I'd rather not say.
- 22. I think I know who it is.
I saw his picture in the paper.
- 23. - That's Arthur Bach, isn't it?
- What if it is?
- 24. Is there something wrong with him?
- 25. Yes.
- 26. Permit me to introduce myself.
- 27. Where in the hell's my hat?
- 28. - It's on the floor.
- Oh, I hate it when that happens.
- 29. - I am Arthur.
- I'm Gloria.
- 30. - I had Arthur.
- Yeah. What're you drinking?
- 31. - Scotch. Would you like some?
- Why not?
- 32. You're with me,
and you can ask that question?
- 33. Oh. Ha-ha-ha!
- 34. - What's so funny now?
- I sometimes just think funny things.
- 35. What do you do for a living?
- 36. I race cars. I play tennis. I fondle women.
- 37. But I have weekends off,
and I am my own boss.
- 38. - Bitterman, the Plaza, and step on it.
- Ha, ha. Ooh.
- 39. - Sir, if I may say so—
- Bitterman, go through the park.
- 40. You know how I love the park.
- 41. Can I have another drink?
- 42. Isn't this fun?
Isn't fun the best thing to have?
- 43. Don't you wish you were me?
- 44. I know I do.
- 45. Ow!
- 46. Isn't that Arthur Bach?
- 47. I fell out of the goddamned car.
- 48. Is that the funniest thing ever?
- 49. - Are you hurt, sir?
- Bitterman, I fell out of the car.
- 50. Isn't that the funniest thing ever?
- 51. - You had to be there, right? Yeah.
- You are quite amusing, sir.
- 52. Please get my drink.
After all, we're going to the bar.
- 53. Thank you so much.
- 54. Madame, I am sorry,
but we have absolutely—
- 55. - Don't give me any stuff, buster.
- Oh, listen, Raymond, Raymond.
- 56. - It's all right. The lady's with me.
- 57. - Mr. Bach. How good to see you.
- 58. Oh, if only someone I knew felt that way.
- 59. We have your regular table, Mr. Bach.
- 60. Oh, I know you have it,
but is anyone sitting at it?
- 61. "Is anyone sitting at it?"
- 62. Yeah, now, it's all right.
They're used to seeing me with the turtle.
- 63. Ah. Oh!
- 64. - Uncle Peter. And Aunt Pearl.
- Arthur. You're looking well.
- 65. Thank you. Oh.
- 66. Aunt Pearl, may I say
you're looking younger every day?
- 67. Doesn't Aunt Pearl
look wonderful, darling?
- 68. She looks great.
- 69. Arthur, I don't think we've had the pleasure
of meeting this young woman.
- 70. - Would you introduce us?
- Oh, how stupid of me. Uh...
- 71. Princess Gloria,
may I introduce my aunt and uncle...
- 72. Peter and Pearl Bach.
- 73. - How are you?
- 74. - Did you say "princess," Arthur?
- Yes. Yes.
- 75. There's a very small country
in the West Indies. I mean small.
- 76. I see. Thank you.
- 77. Yeah.
- 78. It's— It's terribly small.
Tiny little country.
- 79. Rhode Island could
beat the crap out of it in a war.
- 80. - That's how small it is.
- 81. Very little.
- 82. It's 85 cents in a cab
from one end of the country to the other.
- 83. - I'm talking small.
- We understand it's small, Arthur.
- 84. They recently had
the whole country carpeted.
- 85. - This is not a big place.
- We understand that it's small, Arthur.
- 86. And we also understand
that you are very drunk.
- 87. So why don't we meet again
when you're sober?
- 88. Yeah. All right. Yeah.
- 89. Yeah, I'm sorry. I can't help it.
- 90. Grow up, Arthur.
You'll make a fine adult.
- 91. Yeah, that's easy for you to say.
You haven't got 50 pairs of short pants...
- 92. hanging in your closet. Ha-ha-ha!
- 93. Oh, it's the regular table?
Wait a minute. Regular chair.
- 94. So...
- 95. how rich are you?
- 96. All' I can tell you is,
I wish I had a dime for every dime I have.
- 97. The service here is terrible.
Where the hell's my drink?
- 98. - We just ordered.
- That's always their excuse.
- 99. Engine room, where the hell's my drink?
- 100. - Are you married?
- There's only one woman for me.
- 101. And I can't stand her.
- 102. Her name is Susan.
- 103. I can't tell you her last name,
because that would be indiscreet.
- 104. Johnson.
- 105. Susan Johnson.
- 106. My father wants me to marry her,
but I'm not going to.
- 107. You're the only woman at this table.
- 108. Oh, sure, you bring her a bottle.
Me, you bring a glass.
- 109. - Fine. Thank you very much.
- 110. Aren't waiters wonderful?
- 111. You ask them for things,
and they bring them.
- 112. Same principle as Santa Claus.
- 113. Well, tell me about yourself.
- 114. You mean, why I'm a hooker?
- 115. Are you a hooker?
- 116. Jesus, I forgot.
I just thought I was doing great with you.
- 117. Okay. Why are you a hooker?
- 118. My mother died when I was 6.
- 119. Son of a bitch.
- 120. Why—? Don't they know
what they do to kids?
- 121. My father raped me when I was 12.
- 122. So you had six relatively good years.
- 123. Oh, I'm sorry.
- 124. Yeah, listen, my father screwed me too.
- 125. - Do you like me?
- You're cute.
- 126. I know that.
- 127. But do you like me?
- 128. Oh, yeah.
- 129. Well, princess, we're gonna have fun.
- 130. Tonight is New Year's Eve.
Third time this week.
- 131. Here's to you.
- 132. Noisy.
- 133. Hello, darling.
- 134. Good morning.
- 135. Did you sleep well?
- 136. - Fine.
- 137. - Please stop that.
- Hobson, how good to see you.
- 138. - Thank you so much.
- Not at all.
- 139. I've taken the liberty
of anticipating your condition...
- 140. and I have brought you orange juice,
coffee and aspirins.
- 141. Or do you need to throw up?
- 142. No. No.
- 143. Gloria, I would like you
to meet Hobson...
- 144. my best friend in the world.
- 145. I relish the compliment.
- 146. It is thrilling to meet you, Gloria.
- 147. - Hi.
- 148. You obviously have a wonderful economy
with words, Gloria.
- 149. I look forward to your next syllable
with great eagerness.
- 150. Yes. As we can all see,
it's a lovely day...
- 151. which would seem to indicate
that the night is over.
- 152. Gloria, I have arranged breakfast
for you on the east patio.
- 153. This is a robe. Please put it on.
- 154. Say goodbye to her, Arthur.
- 155. - Hobson?
- 156. - Do you know what I'm gonna do?
- No, I don't.
- 157. I'm gonna take a bath.
- 158. I'll alert the media.
- 159. Do you want to run my bath for me?
- 160. It's what I live for.
- 161. Perhaps you'd like me to come in there
and wash your dick for you...
- 162. you little shit.
- 163. You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
- 164. You'd better not pout—
- 165. Aah!
- 166. I'm telling you why
- 167. Santa Claus is coming to town
- 168. Mm.
- 169. Yes?
Hobson, this is Arthur.
- 170. - Yes. How delightful to hear from you.
- How about a pitcher of martinis?
- 171. No, thank you.
- 172. Oh, Hobson,
I'm not gonna face my father sober.
- 173. If you don't bring them,
I'll have someone else do it.
- 174. - I'll bring them.
- Thank you.
- 175. - Say goodbye.
- 176. He treats me like a kid. Pfft!
- 177. He knows when you are sleeping
- 178. He knows when you're awake
- 179. He knows when you've been
Bad or good
- 180. Ah.
- 181. You know, Arthur, your father
is going to demand that you marry Susan.
- 182. I don't care what he demands. Unh.
- 183. Oh, stay with me a minute, Hobson.
You know I hate to be alone.
- 184. Yes. Bathing is a lonely business.
- 185. Except for fish.
- 186. I beg your pardon?
- 187. - Did you say "except for fish"?
- 188. Fish all bathe together.
Although they do tend to eat one another.
- 189. I often think,
fish must get awfully tired of seafood.
- 190. What are your thoughts, Hobson?
- 191. Pardon me.
- 192. Arthur, I don't want you to be alone.
- 193. I'll never be alone. I have you.
- 194. God, isn't life wonderful, Hobson?
- 195. - Yes, Arthur, it is. Do your armpits.
- A hot bath is wonderful.
- 196. Girls are wonderful.
- 197. Yes. Imagine how wonderful
a girl who bathes would be.
- 198. Get dressed.
- 199. I hate it here.
- 200. Of course you hate it.
People work here.
- 201. Here, read this magazine.
There are many pictures.
- 202. Look how nobody ever smiles here.
- 203. - Why doesn't anybody ever smile here?
- They smile at lunchtime.
- 204. Lower your voice, Arthur, and sit up.
- 205. Stop being so nervous.
- 206. Later on, we'll get ice cream.
- 207. Mr. Bach, your father will see you now.
- 208. Thank you.
- 209. - Come on, Hobson.
- He wants to see you alone.
- 210. Oh.
- 211. He gets all that money.
- 212. Pays his family back
by being a stinking drunk.
- 213. It's enough to make you sick.
- 214. I really wouldn't know, sir.
I'm just a servant.
- 215. - Yeah.
- On the other hand...
- 216. go screw yourself.
- 217. Hello.
- 218. The press has a good time
with you, Arthur.
- 219. - "Millionaire drunk playboy."
- 220. You're the weakest man
I've ever known.
- 221. I despise your weakness.
- 222. Arthur...
- 223. I'm afraid we have to talk.
- 224. I'm not gonna marry her.
I've told you that a thousand times.
- 225. Fine. If that's your decision, Arthur,
the family has no choice.
- 226. I'm sorry, Arthur, very sorry,
but as of this moment, you are cut off.
- 227. You mean cut off from...
- 228. you and Grandmother
and the family?
- 229. So you mean cut off from the...?
- 230. The, um...
- 231. - You don't mean cut off from the—?
- The money, Arthur.
- 232. Your grandmother and I have had
all the papers drawn up.
- 233. We want this marriage, Arthur.
I want it. Burt Johnson wants it.
- 234. Burt Johnson? He's a criminal.
- 235. Oh, we all are, Arthur.
- 236. And as you know...
- 237. we usually get what we want.
- 238. Well, frankly, Father,
I'd rather starve.
- 239. And I will. I'll get married
when I fall in love with somebody.
- 240. Fine. I respect your integrity.
- 241. You've just lost 750 million dollars.
- 242. - Actually, Susan is a very nice girl.
- Very nice.
- 243. - And she'll make a wonderful wife.
- Yes, wonderful.
- 244. Have you ever seen her face...
- 245. when the light catches it just right?
She's really quite beautiful.
- 246. Of course, you can't depend on that light.
- 247. The wedding is a month from today.
- 248. - The invitations will be mailed tonight.
- And have you ever tasted her chicken?
- 249. Whoo. She does spectacular things
with a chicken.
- 250. - And I love a chicken made at home.
- 251. This is the ring your grandfather
gave to your grandmother.
- 252. She wants you to give it to Susan.
- 253. This is to marry one girl?
- 254. - Please don't do this to me, Father.
- I've been waiting for you to grow up.
- 255. I can't wait any longer.
- 256. Congratulations, Father. You win.
- 257. I had every intention of winning.
- 258. Congratulations to you, Arthur.
- 259. You're going to be a wealthy man
for the rest of your life.
- 260. That's all I've ever wanted to be.
- 261. I'll take three dozen of these shirts.
Um, assorted colors.
- 262. - I hate my father.
- Then purchase four dozen.
- 263. Four dozen, please. And I want...
- 264. 14 of these sweaters, all green.
- 265. - All green?
- I don't wear sweaters.
- 266. Send them to my address, will you?
- 267. What else can I buy, Hobson?
- 268. - Hobson. Did you see that?
- 269. She stole that tie. It's a perfect crime.
Girls don't wear ties.
- 270. Although some do. It's not a perfect crime,
but it's a good crime.
- 271. Yes. If she murdered the tie,
it'd be a perfect crime.
- 272. Why are you so happy about all this?
- 273. The man following her is
a security guard. We've gotta be calm.
- 274. Isn't she beautiful? Jesus.
- 275. May I ask what have we to do with this?
- 276. Beg your pardon, miss.
I'm the security guard in the store.
- 277. Yeah? Trust me, you don't need the badge.
No customer would wear that jacket.
- 278. - Ah, ah, ah. Miss.
- Hey. Hey.
- 279. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to look
in the bag. I saw you put something in it.
- 280. You got trouble, mister. You're never gonna
work on the East Coast again.
- 281. - Okay, what's your name? Name.
- She's sensational.
- 282. She does have
a certain Eleanor Roosevelt quality.
- 283. - What's your address?
- Uh, miss...
- 284. - Give me the address! I want the address!
- Look, I saw you put a tie in that bag!
- 285. - What did you say?
- What's going on?
- 286. All right, that's it. I want a cop.
- 287. Somebody get me a cop.
We need a cop here.
- 288. Don't you move, Chester. I don't wanna
see you move out of my sight.
- 289. - Get me a cop! Get your hands off me!
- Uh, Chester. I'm Arthur Bach.
- 290. I'll straighten this out.
- 291. Hello, Mr. Bach.
You really should stay out of this.
- 292. Yeah, well, he's in it, Chester.
Tell him, Alfred.
- 293. I know this woman.
We were shopping together.
- 294. - Where the hell have you been?
- I'm sorry, darling. I got caught up.
- 295. - She's a friend of yours, Mr. Bach?
- He just said that, Chester.
- 296. - You're such a schmuck, Chester.
- I asked her to pick out a tie.
- 297. I was gonna put it on my bill.
- 298. - And you didn't pay for it?
- I know. I forgot. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- 299. Well— Chester, what can I say?
I had no idea.
- 300. May I look at the tie?
- 301. Of course.
- 302. - Oh, God, that's... That's lovely.
- Hope you like it.
- 303. You're really wonderful.
- 304. Not in front of all these people, dear.
They might think you're an animal.
- 305. Mr. Bach, you understand it's my job.
- 306. Would you ask the lady at the counter
to put this on my bill?
- 307. Oh, of course. I'll take care of it, Mr. Bach.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
- 308. Thank you, sir.
- 309. Were you scared?
- 310. Yes.
- 311. Why are you smiling at me like that?
- 312. I see. You're a little strange,
but cute. How are you?
- 313. Well, have a nice day.
Thank you very much.
- 314. I'm gonna go to the bus stop now.
- 315. Why did you steal that tie?
- 316. I don't know. I'm a wonderful person.
- 317. I'm serious.
- 318. I'll be with you in a minute.
He's starting to get on my nerves.
- 319. Will you stop smiling at me like that?
- 320. You look like one of Santa's helpers.
- 321. Is he with us?
- 322. My name is Arthur,
and this is Mr. Hobson.
- 323. Good afternoon.
- 324. "Good afternoon"?
- 325. My name is Linda.
- 326. And I'd like to thank you very much.
You did a nice thing.
- 327. That was an interesting kiss.
- 328. - Kiss your wife like that?
- I'm not married.
- 329. Keep smiling. 688-5549.
Don't expect big things on the first date.
- 330. Yes, it's been a distinct pleasure
- 331. Arthur, we really must be going.
Thank you for a memorable afternoon.
- 332. Usually one must go to a bowling alley
to meet a woman of your stature.
- 333. - Wouldn't it be funny if he called me?
- 334. Arthur, I see no reason
for prolonging this conversation.
- 335. Unless you're planning to knock over
a fruit stand later in the evening.
- 336. Good luck in prison.
- 337. - Who was the tie for?
- A guy.
- 338. Look how he stopped smiling.
My father. It's his birthday.
- 339. What are you doing tomorrow night?
- 340. Uh, I don't know. Oh. I have plans
for tomorrow night. What should I wear?
- 341. Steal something casual.
- 342. - I like him.
- Likewise, I'm sure.
- 343. I'll have Bitterman drive you home. Hobson
and I have got some shopping to do.
- 344. Oh, no. You don't have to do that.
- 345. Bitterman doesn't have to take me.
Hi, Bitterman. Heh.
- 346. You know, I really hardly ever
take the bus, ever.
- 347. - Right.
- But it's just so hard to get a cab.
- 348. Of course.
- 349. I'm sure we know
a lot of the same people.
- 350. - Get in.
- 351. Tell Bitterman where to take you.
- 352. And make sure you give him your address
and your phone number.
- 353. Right.
- 354. Take care of her, Bitterman.
- 355. Good afternoon.
- 356. You'd think they'd never
seen a car before. Ha.
- 357. Hey, lady, where'd you get the car?
- 358. Could you children please allow us
our privacy? Please?
- 359. - Bitterman?
- Yes, madam?
- 360. Could I just sit here
until one of my neighbors walks by?
- 361. I mean, I just want someone I know
to see me get out of this.
- 362. I understand.
- 363. Oh, here comes Mrs. Nesbitt.
This should kill her.
- 364. Well, don't touch the door. I'll do it.
- 365. Mrs. Nesbitt deserves
the entire treatment.
- 366. Right. Hurry up.
- 367. Unh. Ha, ha. Thank you, Bitterman.
- 368. Why, hello, Mrs. Nesbitt.
- 369. - Will that be all, madam?
- I think so.
- 370. Have a nice evening, Mrs. Nesbitt.
- 371. - Could be a big tie.
- It is a tie.
- 372. Then guessing would be
out of the question.
- 373. - It is a tie.
- 374. Ha, ha. I love it.
- 375. - It goes with everything I own.
- Ha, ha.
- 376. I hope you like it. If I don't get a job soon,
you may get it back on your birthday.
- 377. Dad...
- 378. shut up.
- 379. - A funny thing happened to me today.
- 380. Do you know why girls marry so badly?
- 381. Is this a joke? Are these Polish girls?
- 382. No. The reason is,
there are so many girls...
- 383. and so...
- 384. few princes.
- 385. You met a prince?
- 386. I met a nice guy.
With my help, he could become a prince.
- 387. - Who is he?
- Just a guy.
- 388. What does he do?
- 389. Nothing.
- 390. Another beauty.
How does he make a living?
- 391. Look, I have to make dinner.
- 392. I take it this bum will be calling you?
- 393. Dad, he's a millionaire.
- 394. You have my permission to marry him.
- 395. - Roses. Yellow.
- 396. - She'll drop dead. She'll love them.
- 397. Uh, yellow roses. Two dozen.
- 398. I think something else
would look nice too.
- 399. - Red roses. With the yellow.
- 400. She won't know what hit her.
You'll be aces with her.
- 401. - You're a nice boy.
- Two dozen red, okay?
- 402. - Do you know what happened?
- No, I don't.
- 403. - Yesterday, I met her outside Bergdorf's.
- Good, good.
- 404. And I can't stop thinking about her.
- 405. - Uh, are you married?
- Once. She's alive.
- 406. - What's that? Uh...
- Yucca plant.
- 407. - I'll take it.
- How many?
- 408. - Four.
- Where were you when I was selling cars?
- 409. How did you know when you fell in love?
I mean, how does anybody know?
- 410. - I was on a train.
- Oh, yeah.
- 411. - From Washington to New York.
- What's that?
- 412. - A fern. You need five.
- 413. A girl got on the train.
Skinny. She gave me a smile.
- 414. - By Baltimore, I was a dead duck.
- 415. Did you whistle a lot?
I mean, I find I whistle.
- 416. I whistled.
- 417. - Did you feel funny? I mean, I feel funny.
- No. You may have a cold.
- 418. Yeah. Listen, could you send all this,
and anything else you can think of...
- 419. to this address?
- 420. And send two dozen roses to your wife,
the skinny one on the train.
- 421. Here, keep the change.
- 422. You're the rich one?
The one who drinks?
- 423. Mm.
- 424. - How does it feel to have all that money?
- Feels great.
- 425. A dumb question.
- 426. What do you do? I've never asked you.
- 427. I'm an actress.
I mean, I'm studying to be one. Ha, ha.
- 428. Yeah? Great.
- 429. Yeah. But right now I'm working
as a waitress. A lot of talented girls do that.
- 430. - Yeah. What's it like being a waitress?
- Well, it's fun. I mean, you know, someti—
- 431. This guy came in and pulled out—
- 432. - Great. Thank you.
- 433. - Okay, what? A guy came in—?
- A guy came into the diner...
- 434. and then pulled out—
- 435. - Pulled out what?
- Pulled out a gun.
- 436. Oh. God.
- 437. - Thank you.
- I love this song.
- 438. - Love it too.
- 439. - Hey, when do I get a turn?
- 440. Can't you see I'm going for
a new world record? Ha!
- 441. After only 12 games, I have 80 coupons.
- 442. I knew it would be different
spending an evening with a millionaire.
- 443. Ha! Two more, and I'm 20 for 20.
That's another 35 coupons. Ha, ha.
- 444. Could we have—?
Could we have a little quiet here?
- 445. You nut.
- 446. Look at him with his gun.
- 447. Are you cute.
- 448. God, I missed. Nineteen.
- 449. - For 19, you get 15 coupons.
- Ha! Ha.
- 450. Thank you.
- 451. We really have to go now. So...
- 452. "Space Invaders"? Holy crap.
- 453. All right. You win.
- 454. - What do you want, the orange one?
- Yeah, yeah.
- 455. - I love it.
- Enjoy it.
- 456. - Take care of it.
- Take care of it? I already named it.
- 457. - What?
- Well, I named it after my grandmother...
- 458. on my mother's side.
- 459. "Arthur."
- 460. Here's a rose.
I stole it from the restroom.
- 461. Thank you.
- 462. I've never taken care of anyone.
- 463. Everyone's always taken care of me.
- 464. But if you got sick, or anything...
- 465. I'd take care of you.
- 466. Then I'll get sick.
- 467. This Vermeer just arrived today.
- 468. It's called Woman Admiring Pearls.
- 469. The dealer jerked me around
on the price a little.
- 470. But what the hell?
- 471. We live once.
- 472. Martha?
- 473. What's the matter, Arthur?
- 474. I can't marry Susan Johnson.
- 475. - Really?
- Imet this girl.
- 476. Arthur. You are a charming boy.
- 477. Unfortunately, every time you have
an erection, it makes the papers.
- 478. Goodness. I sound like a dime novel.
- 479. Peanuts!
- 480. Isn't my grandson handsome, Harriet?
- 481. - Yes.
- Thank you, Harriet.
- 482. Arthur, is it wonderful to be...
- 483. promiscuous?
- 484. At your age, Martha,
it might just be dangerous.
- 485. Who is she? This one you met.
- 486. I don't know.
- 487. She lives in Queens. She's nobody.
- 488. But, oh, there's something
about her, Martha.
- 489. Arthur.
- 490. Make no mistakes.
- 491. You are too old to be poor.
- 492. You don't know how.
- 493. We are ruthless people.
- 494. Don't screw with us.
- 495. Arthur, I love you.
- 496. But if you don't marry Susan,
I'll cut you off without a cent.
- 497. - You're a scary old broad, Martha.
- 498. And you are a delightful child.
- 499. Marry Susan
and cheat with the nobody from Queens.
- 500. - Yeah?
- Oh, Linda.
- 501. - Hi.
- How are you?
- 502. How are you? I got off work early.
Listen, do you like lasagna?
- 503. - Yeah. Um...
- Oh, thank God.
- 504. Linda, uh...
- 505. I know this is last-minute...
- 506. but something came up.
I can't make it tonight. I'm sorry.
- 507. Fine. No problem. What?
- 508. Linda, listen, the truth is...
- 509. I'm getting engaged tonight.
- 510. The easiest thing would be to lie,
but I like you—
- 511. Look, no sweat.
- 512. - Linda—
- We had some laughs. Good luck.
- 513. I wanted to tell you
the other night, but I—
- 514. Don't worry about it.
I really— I have to go. Okay? Bye.
- 515. Damn.
- 516. No, Linda.
- 517. - Would you like a beer?
- I'll be all right, sweetheart. I...
- 518. I just have to be alone for a minute.
- 519. Oh, God. I can't bear it.
- 520. Come in.
- 521. Shall I get the car, Mr. Bach?
- 522. No thanks, Bitterman.
- 523. Tonight I'll drive myself.
- 524. How often does
a young man get engaged?
- 525. - Where's Mr. Hobson?
- Mr. Hobson was tired, sir. He's resting.
- 526. He's been tired
quite a bit lately, Bitterman.
- 527. Oh, I'm sure he's fine, sir.
- 528. Will you cut it out?
- 529. Well, I didn't mean to tell you,
but I've got this tumor in my head.
- 530. - Did the lights go off?
- Hobson, just talk to me, okay?
- 531. Oh, with a tumor in my head?
- 532. Listen, Arthur.
- 533. - There are three books. This is important.
- 534. Take them back...
- 535. to the library.
- 536. Oh, God, Hobson, please.
Don't die anymore. It's getting very boring.
- 537. I told you, I've only got a cold.
Now go and get engaged.
- 538. - I just told Linda I was getting engaged.
- I don't know why.
- 539. A little tart like that
could save you a fortune in prostitutes.
- 540. Listen, old man...
- 541. don't ever talk about her that way again.
She's the best person I know.
- 542. Goddamn it,
why are you such a snob?
- 543. Hobson, I raised my voice to you.
I've never done that before.
- 544. That's quite all right.
- 545. You know, you may be growing up.
- 546. And I'm sorry
for what I said about Linda.
- 547. No.
- 548. Do you want anything?
- 549. I want to be younger.
- 550. Sorry. It's your job to be older.
- 551. - Good evening, Mr. Bach.
- Good evening, Mr. Butler.
- 552. - I'm here to get engaged.
- Won't you come in, sir?
- 553. Yes, I will.
- 554. How are you?
- 555. Susan. You get down here this minute.
- 556. - Miss Susan is expecting you.
- 557. She's dressing.
I will inform her that you're here.
- 558. Tell her that Chief Inspector Flanigan
from Homicide is here.
- 559. That should get her down in a hurry.
- 560. - Nothing. Offer to take my coat.
- You don't have a coat.
- 561. Well, offer to take my tie.
- 562. It's a little joke.
- 563. Listen, take the rest of the week off.
You're obviously under a lot of tension.
- 564. Would you care to wait in the library?
- 565. Yes, I would.
The bathroom is out of the question.
- 566. God.
- 567. No. That's another little joke.
- 568. - Follow me, please.
- Well, sure.
- 569. I'm a little nervous. I'm getting engaged.
- 570. - You may wait in here.
- Thank you.
- 571. Is there anything you care for
while you wait?
- 572. Do you have today's Pravda?
I like to keep up with Russia.
- 573. No.
- 574. Then fill a glass with Scotch.
- 575. Are you sure you want to be
a nightclub comic?
- 576. Marty, he's pouring a drink.
I'll have to get back to you.
- 577. Listen, Marty...
- 578. if you're gonna be like that,
let's call the whole thing off. Thank you.
- 579. God, these people. Thank you.
- 580. I'm glad we had this time together.
You're a funny guy.
- 581. Oh, you have that problem too?
- 582. This must be awfully embarrassing
- 583. - Hello, Arthur.
- Hello, Mr. Johnson.
- 584. I haven't seen much of you lately.
- 585. Ah.
- 586. The reason you haven't
seen much of me...
- 587. ils because I normally pick Susan up
at her apartment in town...
- 588. and you live here. Want a drink?
- 589. - I never drink.
- 590. - No one in my family ever drinks.
- That's great.
- 591. You probably never run out of ice
your whole life. Ha.
- 592. I don't drink, because drinking
affects your decision-making.
- 593. You may be right. I can't decide.
- 594. That's just a little humor.
- 595. Where's the rest of this moose?
- 596. Arthur, I think it's time
we got to know one another.
- 597. I do too. That's why
I had you come over today. Ha-ha-ha.
- 598. This is a tough room.
I don't have to tell you that.
- 599. You must have hated this moose.
- 600. Why don't you forget the moose
for a moment?
- 601. Right.
- 602. Arthur.
- 603. You know, I didn't inherit money
like you did. I started with nothing.
- 604. And yet...
- 605. was a millionaire
by the time I was 18.
- 606. Anyone stood in my way, they got hurt.
- 607. When I was 11 years old...
- 608. I killed a man.
- 609. Well...
- 610. When you're 11, you probably don't
even know there's a law against that.
- 611. Is Susan here?
- 612. I knew what I was doing. We were poor.
- 613. - He came into our house to steal our food.
- Well, he was asking for it.
- 614. I took a knife...
- 615. and I killed him in the kitchen.
- 616. Oh.
- 617. You, um, probably ate out that night.
- 618. I mean,
with that man lying in your kitchen.
- 619. - You seem to find humor in everything.
- Yes. Sorry.
- 620. - Arthur.
- 621. Do you know what I consider to be
my most precious possession?
- 622. - No.
- My daughter.
- 623. She is my gold.
- 624. - She is my treasure.
- She's very nice.
- 625. And I protect what's mine.
- 626. And I do it in an ugly way.
- 627. - I'm from the gutter.
- Oh, I understand. Yes, the gutter.
- 628. - You seem upset.
- Now, Susan loves you.
- 629. - And I want you to make her happy.
- Mm. Oh—
- 630. You— You can count on—
- 631. I insist on you making her happy.
- 632. Listen.
- 633. What happens—
- 634. I mean, this is just hypothetical.
—If I don't make her happy?
- 635. Which is out of the question.
I swear she'll be happy.
- 636. But let's just say, um, I make her...
- 637. cranky.
- 638. For cranky, I guess you'd probably
just break my ankles.
- 639. Something like that.
- 640. You'll make her happy.
I don't like your drinking.
- 641. - Oh.
- It makes you unreasonable.
- 642. I want you to go to work.
- 643. Now, your father and I talked about it.
I want you...
- 644. to work for me.
- 645. - Is this it? She's not happy already?
- Arthur, Susan loves you.
- 646. So I love you. You'll find me a friend.
- 647. Arthur, don't you get it?
- 648. You can get drunk. You can throw up.
You can forget to call me for months.
- 649. You can't lose with me.
I know you too well.
- 650. And I'm much stronger than you are.
- 651. I know how alone you are.
- 652. I hate how alone you are.
- 653. I've cried because you're so alone.
- 654. Don't be afraid, Arthur.
- 655. You're never going to be alone again.
- 656. Waiter.
- 657. I'll have another one.
You want another fish?
- 658. Don't drink anymore, Arthur.
- 659. - Susan.
- Yes, Arthur?
- 660. You're such an asshole.
- 661. This is what I am.
- 662. Everyone who drinks is not a poet.
- 663. Some of us drink
because we're not poets.
- 664. A real woman
could stop you from drinking.
- 665. It'd have to be a real big woman.
- 666. - Arthur, will you take my hand?
- That would leave you with one.
- 667. Sorry. Here's the hand.
- 668. I love you, Arthur.
- 669. Good. I have to talk to the waiter now.
- 670. My doctor has advised me
that I must drink 10 of these an hour.
- 671. I understand, Mr. Bach.
- 672. This is the ring my grandfather
gave to my grandmother. Ahem.
- 673. Then he died.
- 674. And subsequently, she gave it to me.
- 675. I'll always love you, Arthur.
- 676. - It's a great ring, isn't it?
- It's a beautiful ring.
- 677. It's a magical night.
- 678. Do you have any objection
to naming a child Viadimir?
- 679. - Even a girl?
- Ask me, Arthur.
- 680. Will you marry me, Susan?
Take the weekend if you want.
- 681. - Yes.
- 682. Would you mind
if I took you home? I've—
- 683. I've got a terrible headache.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- 684. Linda?
- 685. Linda?
- 686. This must be the building.
- 687. Linda?
- 688. Hey. Cochie-cochie-cochie-coo.
- 689. Linda?
- 690. Linda?
- 691. I hope it's not late. Who am I talking to?
Oh, it's me, it's me.
- 692. - Linda?
- What do you want?
- 693. Ah, shit. I-
- 694. I'm very sorry
to have disturbed you, madam.
- 695. I was looking for Linda.
I hope this is the wrong house.
- 696. - My husband has a gun!
- I'm sure he has, madam.
- 697. For all I know,
he shot it while you screamed.
- 698. - Perry! Come over here!
- No, no!
- 699. This man wants to know
where Linda lives!
- 700. She lives at 14133, Apartment A,
- 701. - Thank you very—
- You tell a total stranger that...
- 702. - ... when you don't know who he is?
- He looks okay.
- 703. Right. Get over here. She's terrible.
Does she always hit you like that?
- 704. - Yeah. What can I do?
- 705. Mind your own business!
- 706. Perry, for God's sake,
she's gonna kill you. Get in there, Perry.
- 707. Give her a shot. Jesus Chri—
It's you against her, Perr—
- 708. Oh, God.
- 709. That's horrible. Horrible. Horrible.
- 710. You shouldn't hear this.
- 711. Oh, God.
- 712. Ooh.
- 713. Come on, legs.
- 714. Perry, you're a dead man.
- 715. One foot— Pardon me.
- 716. Oh, you're a hedge.
- 717. - Oh. You must be Linda's father.
- Yeah. It's kind of late.
- 718. Although I wasn't sleeping myself, Arthur.
Oh, nice to meet you, Arthur.
- 719. Yeah. Hi. Hi. Hi, Linda.
- 720. Can I come in?
Don't you hate Perry's wife?
- 721. Let him in.
- 722. Linda, I've missed—
- 723. Ah.
- 724. - Sorry, Linda. I'm sorry.
- Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
- 725. Really.
- 726. It happens.
- 727. What the hell is the matter with you?
- 728. Nobody knocks on a door
at 3:00 in the morning.
- 729. You're so drunk,
you can hardly stand up.
- 730. And you're engaged.
- 731. This is a goner.
- 732. I'm going to sleep.
- 733. You come here at 3:00 in the morning
to say goodbye?
- 734. I have to get up and go to work
in the morning. Stop kidding around.
- 735. Will you stop kissing me?
- 736. I'm sure you're not gonna want
to be a waitress for the rest of your life.
- 737. I am studying to be an actress.
- 738. - You told me.
- Well, I am.
- 739. I know. I know.
- 740. This is for you, your father,
and your acting career.
- 741. - Now, please take it, and I'll go.
- 742. - $100,000.
- 743. We don't need your money.
- 744. - Now, Linda, it'll help you.
- Yeah. Look what it's done for you.
- 745. Now tell your story walking
before I call a cop.
- 746. Get out of here.
- 747. Closet.
- 748. I know.
- 749. - Wanna take it for a spin, Hobson?
- No, thank you, Arthur.
- 750. Mr. Bach, be sure you call me
anytime you need the track.
- 751. Okay.
Take it easy.
- 752. Thank you.
- 753. Hobson, do you know
how miserable I am?
- 754. You're miserable?
I've got all this, and I'm on a salary.
- 755. Do you know the worst part?
The worst part of being me?
- 756. I should imagine your breath.
- 757. Let me be unhappy, will you?
- 758. You know, Hobson, I...
- 759. I could love somebody.
- 760. I never got to love anybody.
- 761. What do I have to live for?
I'm a failure at everything.
- 762. I'm just in everyone's way.
- 763. Would you remove your helmet, please?
- 764. - Why?
- 765. Thank you. Now your goggles.
- 766. - Why?
- 767. Thank you.
- 768. You spoiled little bastard.
- 769. You're a man who has everything,
haven't you? But that's not enough.
- 770. You feel unloved, Arthur?
Welcome to the world. Everyone is unloved.
- 771. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself.
And, incidentally, I love you.
- 772. Marry Susan, Arthur.
- 773. Poor drunks do not find love, Arthur.
- 774. Poor drunks have very few teeth.
They urinate outdoors.
- 775. They freeze to death in summer.
- 776. - I can't bear to think of you that way.
- Ineed Linda, Hobson.
- 777. I see.
- 778. Well, perhaps fate
will lend a hand, Arthur.
- 779. One never knows.
- 780. - "Good afternoon"?
- Yes. May I come in?
- 781. If you and your undershirt
would walk two paces backwards...
- 782. could enter this dwelling.
- 783. How revolting.
- 784. Well...
- 785. look who's here. The British Tonto.
- 786. How are you? How's Arthur?
- 787. You know, ever since I met that Arthur,
I just liked him.
- 788. You know, we have to make sure that
these two wonderful kids stay together.
- 789. Who is this person?
- 790. - He's my father.
- 791. - And I'd like to say that—
- Try not to speak.
- 792. Would you get me a cup of tea?
I wish to speak to Linda.
- 793. Oh, sure. Heh, heh.
- 794. There is an engagement party tonight
at Arthur's father's house in Southampton.
- 795. Here is the address.
Perhaps you should attend.
- 796. Are all the ones he passed up coming?
- 797. Young woman,
this is a tie you cannot steal.
- 798. This is a tie you're going to
have to work for.
- 799. Are you inviting me
to Arthur's engagement party?
- 800. This is not an invitation.
- 801. However...
- 802. if there's one thing
that old gentlemen can still do...
- 803. they can still spot young gentlemen
- 804. Please go to the party.
- 805. - Are you all right?
- Yes, I'm fine.
- 806. Um...
- 807. Does Arthur know you're here?
- 808. No, Arthur is far too fine a person
to be involved...
- 809. in something as devious as this.
- 810. - You really look out for him, don't you?
- 811. And it is a job
that I recommend highly.
- 812. - I have something for you.
- For me?
- 813. What is it?
- 814. If I were to tell you, it would spoil
the surprise, wouldn't it? Don't open it.
- 815. - Here's your tea.
- I despise tea.
- 816. Would you go to the bathroom
and bring me two aspirin?
- 817. You'll find them on the top shelf, to the left,
behind the untouched shaving cream.
- 818. That sounds bad.
Have you seen a doctor?
- 819. Yes.
- 820. And he has seen me.
- 821. You know...
- 822. I think Arthur has a very good friend.
- 823. May I kiss you on the cheek?
- 824. - Is it something you feel strongly about?
- 825. Oh, what about your aspirins?
- 826. The aspirins are for you, my dear.
- 827. Hello.
- 828. Good evening.
- 829. Mm. God knows when I'll see you again.
- 830. - Arthur, will you play something for us?
- 831. I'd rather— I—
- 832. Gosh, darling.
- 833. Ah, yes.
- 834. Thank you.
- 835. - Don't you hate these things?
- Despise them.
- 836. Actually, seriously, um...
- 837. songs come and go,
but I love the classics.
- 838. And I hope you'll enjoy this one.
- 839. You'd better watch out
- 840. You'd better not cry
- 841. - Oh, are you good friends with Arthur?
- Oh. For ages. Ha-ha-ha.
- 842. I'm so pleased he finally found
the right woman. Where is she?
- 843. She's, uh... She's over there.
- 844. - Isn't she just beautiful?
- Of course she is.
- 845. - Why would Arthur marry a dog?
- 846. Santa Claus is coming to town
- 847. How does it feel
to be getting married, Arthur?
- 848. Blue moon
- 849. You saw me standing alone
- 850. Without a dream in my heart
- 851. Without a love of my own
- 852. Thanks a lot. That's flattering.
- 853. If you knew Susan like I knew Susan
- 854. Oh. Oh.
- 855. I need a drink
- 856. - Tell me your entire name, darling.
- Preston Langley.
- 857. Oh, Preston. Really. I mean,
if you don't remember when we met...
- 858. I mean, honestly. Ha-ha-ha.
- 859. - Put your arm around me, Preston.
- Of course.
- 860. Linda, you're here.
- 861. So true.
- 862. Arthur. Join us.
- 863. Congratulations.
Father sends his regards.
- 864. - Does he?
- Yes, he does.
- 865. Wednesday night may be difficult for me.
- 866. - What?
- You're looking wonderful, my dear.
- 867. - Aren't I? Thank you.
- 868. It's difficult for her that night.
Isn't that the night you usually attend...
- 869. - ... the ballet, darling, with your father?
- 870. Actually, I feel foolish...
- 871. - ... but I don't recall ever making—
- 872. Would you be divine
and get me a gin and tonic?
- 873. Scotch for me, Preston.
- 874. - You wait here for me?
- If it takes forever.
- 875. What are you doing here,
and why are you talking like that?
- 876. I was in the neighborhood.
- 877. It took me two buses,
three cabs and a train...
- 878. to get into the neighborhood,
but what the hell? Ha-ha-ha.
- 879. Nice place. I like a living room
you can land a plane in.
- 880. There's more of it. You like a tour?
- 881. I've seen bedrooms.
- 882. - Don't be a lover. Be a person.
- You make me happy.
- 883. Her name is Linda Marolla.
- 884. She's the one Arthur saw the other night.
She lives in Queens.
- 885. Mario, please.
- 886. Listen, don't worry.
I talked to the warden.
- 887. - We're gonna get you out of here.
- 888. When I was a kid, I used to open
all their stalls and let them run out.
- 889. You should have been there
the day I freed my goldfish.
- 890. Come over here.
I want you two to meet.
- 891. Pancho. Pancho. This is Linda.
I told you about her. Do you remember?
- 892. Must've been something,
growing up with all this.
- 893. Oh. I was away at boarding school
most of the time.
- 894. I was kicked out of 10 prep schools.
I was a bad kid.
- 895. No, you weren't.
- 896. You just wanted to go home.
- 897. Bad kids don't grow up
as nice as you are.
- 898. - Why do you think Pancho loves you?
- Well, thank you.
- 899. This is kind of like prom night, isn't it?
- 900. I mean, we're all dressed up.
- 901. Have you ever been in love?
- 902. - No. You?
- 903. But when I was little,
I thought the moon followed me.
- 904. What?
- 905. Well, I would walk, and I thought
that the moon went anyplace that I did.
- 906. Oh, that's great.
- 907. No, I know it's silly,
but I was only 8 years old.
- 908. I thought it meant that something special
was gonna happen to me someday.
- 909. So I've been waiting. Every day, I've been
doing my hair, and washing my face.
- 910. - Can I kiss you?
- 911. I wasn't talking to you.
- 912. Why is it you can make me laugh
at the saddest times in my whole life?
- 913. - Why is that?
- I'm funny, that's why.
- 914. - I'm funny.
- Yeah, that's it.
- 915. - You're gonna marry Susan, aren't you?
- 916. I'm still glad I came here.
Made a fool out of myself.
- 917. - I wish we had made love.
- 918. I would give anything
to see you in the morning.
- 919. Linda, I have to marry Susan.
If I don't, my family will cut me off.
- 920. - It's almost a billion dollars.
- 921. One of the horses just fainted.
- 922. Look, this is ridiculous, Arthur.
- 923. You got cab fare back to the city?
I don't like to take a train at night.
- 924. Look, when Susan and I get married...
- 925. I can set you up in an apartment,
and we can—
- 926. Forget it.
- 927. Are you cute.
- 928. I thought I'd find you here.
He just loves that smelly old horse.
- 929. Have we met?
- 930. Uh, I don't think you have.
- 931. Linda Marolla,
this is Susan Johnson, my fiancée.
- 932. I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
- 933. - Of course not.
- I'd say that if I were you.
- 934. We might as well tell her, Arthur.
- 935. You tell her.
- 936. My husband, Harold,
went to prep school with Arthur.
- 937. Harold lost a fortune gambling.
He's sick. He's a sick man.
- 938. But he's my husband.
- 939. I'm not one of your guests tonight.
I came here for one reason only.
- 940. I came here to beg Arthur
to lend us some money.
- 941. One of my kids, my youngest, my baby,
needs an operation.
- 942. Harold hasn't kept up the insurance policy.
I don't know where to turn.
- 943. - Do I have to go on with this?
- No, of course not. Of course not.
- 944. - Arthur, I wasn't spying on you.
- I know that.
- 945. There's an urgent phone call for you
- 946. Oh, thank you. Thanks.
- 947. Say hello to Harold for me.
- 948. - You all right, Bitterman?
- Yes, Sir.
- 949. Um...
- 950. would you like me to get you
some Scotch, sir?
- 951. No. No, thanks.
We'll get through this together.
- 952. Yes, sir.
- 953. It's very hard.
- 954. I'm glad to have you here, sir.
- 955. - Bitterman, um, do me a favor.
- Yes, sir?
- 956. Go back to the house.
- 957. Phone my father and Mr. Johnson
and Miss Susan.
- 958. Tell them what's happened.
The wedding will have to wait.
- 959. - And bring me back some clothes here.
- Yes, sir.
- 960. Okay, let's open the presents.
- 961. I'm sorry, Arthur.
- 962. - For what?
- For leaving you.
- 963. You're not leaving anyone.
- 964. - Why, it's a basketball.
- Yeah, well, what the hell?
- 965. - I knew you didn't have one.
- 966. If I feel the urge to dribble,
I can always call the nurse.
- 967. I'll put this over here.
- 968. - You purchased a choo-choo?
- Look, the wheels go round.
- 969. I'm very pleased.
- 970. Do you remember...?7
- 971. Do you remember when you used to play
hide-and-seek with me?
- 972. I used to hide, and you never found me.
- 973. - Did you know I never looked?
- Come on.
- 974. Well, I looked a little.
- 975. Mm.
- 976. One for you, one for me. Put it on.
- 977. I don't wish to put it on.
- 978. I'll put it on.
- 979. If I begin to die,
please take this off my head.
- 980. This is not the way
I wish to be remembered.
- 981. Aren't they great?
- 982. Got guns and holsters too. Look.
- 983. Yes.
- 984. Just in town for supplies, partner.
- 985. Arthur, I'm frightened.
- 986. I know you're frightened.
- 987. And I'm gonna take care of you.
- 988. - Morning, Mr. Bach.
- Hi, Ken.
- 989. Here, I'll take that.
- 990. Mr. Bach, you look terrible.
You haven't slept in a week.
- 991. Well, we had a bad night. He was up.
- 992. - I got the kippers and eggs.
- 993. - I could get fired.
- Oh, no, you won't.
- 994. Listen, um, for lunch, um...
- 995. want the trout almondine from Lutéce.
Tell Henri it's for me.
- 996. - He shouldn't be eating that stuff.
- I don't want his last meal to be Jell-O.
- 997. Thanks very much. See you later.
- 998. Oh, look who's up.
- 999. Well, now, ahem...
- 1000. we have eggs, we have kippers.
- 1001. We have croissant.
We have a yellow rose.
- 1002. We have strawberries.
We have blueberry cakes.
- 1003. We have orange juice,
and we have great coffee.
- 1004. Right. Now, a table for one, sir.
- 1005. Your regular.
- 1006. You know, Arthur...
- 1007. I'm very glad you're here.
- 1008. I want you to eat this.
You know what this is costing me?
- 1009. I've got chefs working
at 6 in the morning all over town.
- 1010. Arthur, you look awful.
- 1011. That's just because you've never seen me
sober. Now, come on, eat.
- 1012. Come on. You used to make me eat.
- 1013. Arthur.
- 1014. What?
- 1015. It's not so bad.
- 1016. You don't need to be
so frightened about it.
- 1017. - What?
- 1018. Seems natural.
- 1019. Even comforting now.
- 1020. You're even teaching me how to die?
- 1021. I'm through teaching you anything,
- 1022. You've grown up.
- 1023. - Arthur.
- 1024. You can do anything with your life
that you want to.
- 1025. What do you mean?
- 1026. Figure it out.
- 1027. Have you seen Linda Marolla lately?
- 1028. Linda Marolla?
- 1029. Why would you ask about her?
- 1030. I don't know what I'm talking about.
- 1031. Want me to read you some Shakespeare?
- 1032. - Hamlet was in big trouble when we left off.
- 1033. - Arthur.
- 1034. You're a good son.
- 1035. You—
You take your average kid today, friend.
- 1036. He don't wanna go in the Army.
- 1037. Yeah, what does he care? The dope.
- 1038. But the Communists,
they go in the Army.
- 1039. If only we had some Communists here.
- 1040. - No.
- 1041. No. No.
- 1042. While our kids are dancing...
- 1043. their kids are learning how to fight.
- 1044. Everybody's dancing here.
- 1045. You're right. You're right.
It's not worth talking about.
- 1046. - Let me buy you another drink.
- 1047. - What do you do?
- I'm a dance instructor.
- 1048. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
Honest to God. I'm a dentist.
- 1049. I hate dentists.
- 1050. We're not bad guys.
It's not easy, you know?
- 1051. There's— There's teeth
and gums and blood.
- 1052. Oh, my God.
- 1053. I have to get looped
just to walk into my office.
- 1054. Bartender.
We would like two more, please.
- 1055. - Haven't you had enough?
- I want more than enough.
- 1056. How come you got all this money
for all these drinks?
- 1057. I saved my money.
I haven't had a drink in a month.
- 1058. - Oh, my God.
- Well, you see, my father died.
- 1059. So I stayed sober.
- 1060. One night at the hospital, he fell asleep.
I was watching him.
- 1061. And then...
- 1062. he just kept on sleeping.
- 1063. And I was all alone.
- 1064. Oh, that's terrible.
- 1065. Nah. Listen...
- 1066. I was lucky to know him at all.
- 1067. - Are you somebody's father?
- No. I'm a drunk.
- 1068. Oh, yeah, right.
- 1069. I have a brother
who moved to New Jersey.
- 1070. I'm getting married soon.
- 1071. - Great.
- I don't love her.
- 1072. - Oh, no.
- I don't love her.
- 1073. - Well, don't make a scene.
- No, I'm sorry, but there—
- 1074. There's this other girl.
- 1075. - She steals ties...
- 1076. and gives them to her father.
- 1077. Uh-huh.
- 1078. - I want her.
- 1079. - Want her!
- I have to go.
- 1080. No, no, no.
- 1081. Sorry.
- 1082. Sir, your wedding
is within less than five hours.
- 1083. Yeah. Listen, listen. Go see your brother.
- 1084. All right? Nobody should be alone.
- 1085. - Yeah.
- It's awful...
- 1086. to be alone.
- 1087. I just want you to know,
if he doesn't show up for this wedding...
- 1088. - ... I'm going to kill him.
- Don't worry about it, Burt.
- 1089. I talk to Arthur every day.
- 1090. Since Hobson's death, he's stopped
drinking. He's anxious to work.
- 1091. He's become a responsible citizen.
He'll be a good husband.
- 1092. Thanks very much. Have a nice day.
- 1093. - Thanks. Where's my roll?
- We're having it monogrammed.
- 1094. Take it easy.
Hurry up with the old man's roll, huh?
- 1095. - Can I help you?
- Do you recommend the French toast?
- 1096. With all of my heart.
- 1097. - Lady, I got customers.
- I'll have it.
- 1098. You've made the right decision.
- 1099. - Miss? Miss? I—
- Wait a minute. Wait. Wait.
- 1100. I've waited long enough.
- 1101. - Can you take the next 60 years off?
- I'll have to ask.
- 1102. - What—? You want some coffee?
- Where's my roll?
- 1103. Wait. I'll get it.
- 1104. - What the hell's going on here?
- She's getting your roll.
- 1105. - Here's your roll. Arthur, what happened?
- Hobson died.
- 1106. I know. He loved you very much.
Did you know that?
- 1107. Yeah. And I think I'll grow up.
- 1108. I want to marry you.
- 1109. Although I'm supposed
to marry Susan in 20 minutes.
- 1110. - He seems drunk, but he sounds sincere.
- Eat your roll.
- 1111. Yeah.
- 1112. Look, the money.
Arthur, can you live without the money?
- 1113. Well, we'll have to.
- 1114. Please marry me.
- 1115. I'll try to be sober,
and I'll try to make you happy.
- 1116. Although it won't be easy,
because I'll be poor.
- 1117. - We'll be poor.
- We'll be poor.
- 1118. Most people are poor.
- 1119. Eat your roll.
- 1120. Now, I have to tell Susan.
Come with me?
- 1121. Yeah. I gotta change.
- 1122. - I'll cover for you.
- All right.
- 1123. Arthur, last night, I could've sworn
the moon was following me.
- 1124. It was.
- 1125. - I'm Arthur Bach, the groom.
- 1126. Oh, thank you. And to you too.
- 1127. I wonder, could you tell me
where the wedding party is?
- 1128. Right over there, in that room.
- 1129. Oh, thank you very much.
You've got a lovely...
- 1130. Uh...
- 1131. - Hat.
- He's drunk.
- 1132. Hat. It's called a hat.
- 1133. Good luck, Arthur.
- 1134. Oh, thank you very much.
I'm Arthur Bach.
- 1135. I'm Arthur Bach.
- 1136. - Did you forget your garter belt?
- 1137. Hi.
- 1138. - Sorry I'm late.
- Oh, Arthur.
- 1139. Oh, Susan.
- 1140. Susan, just the one I wanted to talk to.
- 1141. - Arthur, the ceremony's just—
- Yeah, yeah. I know. Um—
- 1142. Could we just talk for a moment,
away from all these people?
- 1143. Of course.
- 1144. Uh...
- 1145. Susan, I-
- 1146. Susan, I— I—
- 1147. I don't love you. I don't love you.
- 1148. - What is it, dear?
- I don't love you.
- 1149. I don't love you.
- 1150. - It's right in that room over there.
- 1151. - Thank you. Oh, your hat is lovely.
- I've heard.
- 1152. Thank you.
- 1153. - You're drunk.
- 1154. - You're frightened.
- I know. I know. I'm both of those.
- 1155. I know. But I'm—
- 1156. I'm in love with another woman.
- 1157. - What, dear?
- I'm in love with another woman.
- 1158. What?
- 1159. I'm in love...
- 1160. with another woman.
- 1161. Susan, the one innocent person
in all of this has been you. I'm really sorry.
- 1162. Shut up, Arthur! Just shut up!
- 1163. - Daddy!
- Oh, no, no, no.
- 1164. No.
- 1165. Oh, hello, Mr. Johnson.
- 1166. Mr. Jo—
- 1167. He must be nervous. Ha, ha.
Arthur gets nervous sometimes, you know.
- 1168. Here's your ring, Arthur.
- 1169. I hope you're happy.
- 1170. Now, stand up, son.
I wanna kill you with my bare hands.
- 1171. Arthur.
- 1172. Oh, hi, Linda. I think you know everyone.
This is Susan's father.
- 1173. My God, Arthur, you're really hurt.
- 1174. I've got him right where I want him.
- 1175. You animal.
- 1176. Look, it's over.
- 1177. He doesn't love your daughter.
I'm sorry. It happens.
- 1178. - He loves me.
- What about Harold?
- 1179. Harold?
- 1180. - Oh, you poor thing.
- Stand aside.
- 1181. Now, is this the slut
that you've disgraced my daughter for?
- 1182. Slut?
- 1183. Slut?
- 1184. Arthur!
- 1185. Jesus.
- 1186. Oh, my God, my...
- 1187. - Daddy. Daddy. He's not worth it.
- Just sit up.
- 1188. - Susan.
- 1189. - Can you move, Arthur?
- No, Daddy. No!
- 1190. - Everybody, out!
- No, Daddy. No!
- 1191. Out! All of you, out!
- 1192. Oh. Oh, God.
- 1193. Weird.
- 1194. He's taking the knife out of the cheese.
- 1195. - Do you think he wants some cheese?
- No. I think we're gonna die.
- 1196. - I don't wanna die, Arthur. Arthur.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- 1197. MR. What the hell is going on here?
Stop that this instant.
- 1198. Don't screw with me, Burt.
- 1199. Uh... Um, ladies and gentlemen...
- 1200. UM...
- 1201. I'm sorry.
- 1202. Uh, as you probably
have surmised by now...
- 1203. there will be no wedding.
- 1204. The bride has had second thoughts...
- 1205. and has decided not to marry me.
- 1206. Most of you know me.
Can you blame her? Heh.
- 1207. I won't be seeing most of you anymore,
- 1208. I'm going to be, uh...
- 1209. poor.
- 1210. I'll— I'll miss you.
- 1211. And, um...
- 1212. now that there's a good chance,
I should go...
- 1213. to the hospital.
- 1214. Okay, now, this has some iodine
on it, so it might hurt a little.
- 1215. Ow, that hurts. I hate it. Stop it.
- 1216. - Why'd you do that?
- Because I hate an infection.
- 1217. - See, if you'd have just let me get—
- 1218. Okay.
- 1219. Look, as long as we're here...
- 1220. do you promise to love me...
- 1221. and obey me...
- 1222. and be a good boy?
- 1223. I do.
- 1224. And do you promise
never to put that stuff on my face again?
- 1225. I do.
- 1226. Oh, God.
- 1227. - We're gonna be great.
- 1228. We're gonna be— We're gonna be like...
- 1229. one of those poor couples
on the subway who hold hands.
- 1230. How much is the subway?
- 1231. Uh, sixty cents.
But if you spit, it's a 500-dollar fine.
- 1232. - Then I won't spit.
- Good. None of the best people do.
- 1233. I'll get a job.
- 1234. That's what I'll do.
- 1235. - I'll get a job.
- 1236. I'll work.
- 1237. God, this is gonna be great.
- 1238. Good. Look how excited he is.
I'll come home from work.
- 1239. You'll be ironing.
- 1240. - We'll eat some cheap, disgusting food.
- 1241. I think we're in trouble.
- 1242. That is out of the question.
- 1243. There has never been such a thing
as a working-class Bach.
- 1244. And there never will be.
- 1245. - Step. Step.
- 1246. I've reached a decision.
- 1247. The Bach family must endure.
And not on a subway.
- 1248. Arthur, your children will be senators,
- 1249. Perhaps even a president.
- 1250. Arthur, you have your $750 million.
- 1251. All right.
- 1252. - I don't know, Martha.
- You don't know?
- 1253. - Money has screwed me up my whole life.
- I know.
- 1254. I've always been rich,
and I've never been happy.
- 1255. I've always been poor,
and I've usually been happy.
- 1256. Rubbish. I've always been rich,
and I've always been happy.
- 1257. Would you make me
a tuna fish sandwich?
- 1258. Yes.
- 1259. I'm gonna have
a tuna fish sandwich, Martha.
- 1260. Step.
- 1261. - Step.
- 1262. Arthur. I demand
that you take this money.
- 1263. I want a decision, and I want it now.
- 1264. I can't tell you what a lousy wedding
that was, Bitterman.
- 1265. - Bitterman, goodbye. Thank you.
- I'm going.
- 1266. Goodbye, sir.
It was a pleasure working for you.
- 1267. Chauffeurs rarely get to laugh.
- 1268. - Goodbye, Bitterman.
- Goodbye, miss.
- 1269. Arthur, I'm going.
Open that door, Rockland.
- 1270. - Ever been on a yacht?
- No. Is it wonderful?
- 1271. It doesn't suck.
- 1272. Arthur, I shall never offer you
this money again.
- 1273. I wish you luck in your poverty.
- 1274. Excuse me.
- 1275. What—? What happened?
- 1276. - Oh, I turned her down.
- 1277. Well, she invited us for dinner, and I said
we're having a tuna fish sandwich.
- 1278. So I turned her down.
- 1279. I took the money. I mean, I'm not crazy.
- 1280. Bitterman,
do you wanna double your salary?
- 1281. - Yes, sir.
- Then open that door.
- 1282. - Right away.
- Is that funny?
- 1283. Where to, sir?
- 1284. The park, Bitterman.
Drive through the park.
- 1285. You know how I love the park.
- 1286. Get in. Step.