1. Bitterman, stop the car.
Stop— Stop the car. Girls, girls, g—Copy !req
2. Hello, girls!Copy !req
3. Would the more attractive of you
please step forward?Copy !req
4. God, that's funny.Copy !req
5. No, actually—
Actually, you're both very attractive.Copy !req
6. Would—? Would the one who thinks
I'm attractive please step forward?Copy !req
7. - Quickly as possible. Time is money.
- What'd you have in mind?Copy !req
8. Uh, VD. I'm really into penicillin.Copy !req
9. Now, that's funny.Copy !req
10. Ahem. Actually, what I had in mind...Copy !req
11. was spending the evening
with a stranger who loves me.Copy !req
12. It's gonna cost you $100.Copy !req
13. Oh, yeah?
What time do you get off work?Copy !req
14. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.Copy !req
15. Let's make it $200.
But I will ask you to Simoniz my car.Copy !req
16. Tell me, has there been a death
in your family?Copy !req
17. This is funny stuff here.Copy !req
18. Mm.
Let's go.Copy !req
19. Bitterman, give her fr—Copy !req
20. Give her friend $100.
She came in second.Copy !req
21. - Who is that guy?
I'd rather not say.Copy !req
22. I think I know who it is.
I saw his picture in the paper.Copy !req
23. - That's Arthur Bach, isn't it?
- What if it is?Copy !req
24. Is there something wrong with him?Copy !req
25. Yes.Copy !req
26. Permit me to introduce myself.Copy !req
27. Where in the hell's my hat?Copy !req
28. - It's on the floor.
- Oh, I hate it when that happens.Copy !req
29. - I am Arthur.
- I'm Gloria.Copy !req
30. - I had Arthur.
- Yeah. What're you drinking?Copy !req
31. - Scotch. Would you like some?
- Why not?Copy !req
32. You're with me,
and you can ask that question?Copy !req
33. Oh. Ha-ha-ha!Copy !req
34. - What's so funny now?
- I sometimes just think funny things.Copy !req
35. What do you do for a living?
Oh.Copy !req
36. I race cars. I play tennis. I fondle women.Copy !req
37. But I have weekends off,
and I am my own boss.Copy !req
38. - Bitterman, the Plaza, and step on it.
- Ha, ha. Ooh.Copy !req
39. - Sir, if I may say so—
- Bitterman, go through the park.Copy !req
40. You know how I love the park.Copy !req
41. Can I have another drink?
Yes!Copy !req
42. Isn't this fun?
Isn't fun the best thing to have?Copy !req
43. Don't you wish you were me?Copy !req
44. I know I do.Copy !req
45. Ow!Copy !req
46. Isn't that Arthur Bach?Copy !req
47. I fell out of the goddamned car.Copy !req
48. Is that the funniest thing ever?Copy !req
49. Are you hurt, sir?
- Bitterman, I fell out of the car.Copy !req
50. Isn't that the funniest thing ever?Copy !req
51. - You had to be there, right? Yeah.
You are quite amusing, sir.Copy !req
52. Please get my drink.
After all, we're going to the bar.Copy !req
53. Thank you so much.Copy !req
54. Madame, I am sorry,
but we have absolutely—Copy !req
55. - Don't give me any stuff, buster.
- Oh, listen, Raymond, Raymond.Copy !req
56. - It's all right. The lady's with me.
- Oh.Copy !req
57. - Mr. Bach. How good to see you.
- Yes.Copy !req
58. Oh, if only someone I knew felt that way.Copy !req
59. We have your regular table, Mr. Bach.Copy !req
60. Oh, I know you have it,
but is anyone sitting at it?Copy !req
61. "Is anyone sitting at it?"Copy !req
62. Yeah, now, it's all right.
They're used to seeing me with the turtle.Copy !req
63. Ah. Oh!Copy !req
64. - Uncle Peter. And Aunt Pearl.
- Arthur. You're looking well.Copy !req
65. Thank you. Oh.Copy !req
66. Aunt Pearl, may I say
you're looking younger every day?Copy !req
67. Doesn't Aunt Pearl
look wonderful, darling?Copy !req
68. She looks great.Copy !req
69. Arthur, I don't think we've had the pleasure
of meeting this young woman.Copy !req
70. - Would you introduce us?
- Oh, how stupid of me. Uh...Copy !req
71. Princess Gloria,
may I introduce my aunt and uncle...Copy !req
72. Peter and Pearl Bach.Copy !req
73. - How are you?
- Princess?Copy !req
74. - Did you say "princess," Arthur?
- Yes. Yes.Copy !req
75. There's a very small country
in the West Indies. I mean small.Copy !req
76. I see. Thank you.Copy !req
77. Yeah.Copy !req
78. It's— It's terribly small.
Tiny little country.Copy !req
79. Rhode Island could
beat the crap out of it in a war.Copy !req
80. - That's how small it is.
- Small.Copy !req
81. Very little.Copy !req
82. It's 85 cents in a cab
from one end of the country to the other.Copy !req
83. - I'm talking small.
- We understand it's small, Arthur.Copy !req
84. They recently had
the whole country carpeted.Copy !req
85. - This is not a big place.
- We understand that it's small, Arthur.Copy !req
86. And we also understand
that you are very drunk.Copy !req
87. So why don't we meet again
when you're sober?Copy !req
88. Yeah. All right. Yeah.Copy !req
89. Yeah, I'm sorry. I can't help it.Copy !req
90. Grow up, Arthur.
You'll make a fine adult.Copy !req
91. Yeah, that's easy for you to say.
You haven't got 50 pairs of short pants...Copy !req
92. hanging in your closet. Ha-ha-ha!Copy !req
93. Oh, it's the regular table?
Wait a minute. Regular chair.Copy !req
94. So...Copy !req
95. how rich are you?Copy !req
96. All' I can tell you is,
I wish I had a dime for every dime I have.Copy !req
97. The service here is terrible.
Where the hell's my drink?Copy !req
98. - We just ordered.
- That's always their excuse.Copy !req
99. Engine room, where the hell's my drink?Copy !req
100. - Are you married?
- There's only one woman for me.Copy !req
101. And I can't stand her.Copy !req
102. Her name is Susan.Copy !req
103. I can't tell you her last name,
because that would be indiscreet.Copy !req
104. Johnson.Copy !req
105. Susan Johnson.Copy !req
106. My father wants me to marry her,
but I'm not going to.Copy !req
107. You're the only woman at this table.Copy !req
108. Oh, sure, you bring her a bottle.
Me, you bring a glass.Copy !req
109. - Fine. Thank you very much.
Ha-ha-ha.Copy !req
110. Aren't waiters wonderful?Copy !req
111. You ask them for things,
and they bring them.Copy !req
112. Same principle as Santa Claus.Copy !req
113. Well, tell me about yourself.Copy !req
114. You mean, why I'm a hooker?Copy !req
115. Are you a hooker?Copy !req
116. Jesus, I forgot.
I just thought I was doing great with you.Copy !req
117. Okay. Why are you a hooker?Copy !req
118. My mother died when I was 6.Copy !req
119. Son of a bitch.Copy !req
120. Why—? Don't they know
what they do to kids?Copy !req
121. My father raped me when I was 12.Copy !req
122. So you had six relatively good years.Copy !req
123. Oh, I'm sorry.Copy !req
124. Yeah, listen, my father screwed me too.Copy !req
125. - Do you like me?
- You're cute.Copy !req
126. I know that.Copy !req
127. But do you like me?Copy !req
128. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
129. Well, princess, we're gonna have fun.Copy !req
130. Tonight is New Year's Eve.
Third time this week.Copy !req
131. Here's to you.Copy !req
132. Noisy.Copy !req
133. Hello, darling.Copy !req
134. Good morning.Copy !req
135. Did you sleep well?Copy !req
136. - Fine.
- Good.Copy !req
137. - Please stop that.
Hobson, how good to see you.Copy !req
138. - Thank you so much.
Not at all.Copy !req
139. I've taken the liberty
of anticipating your condition...Copy !req
140. and I have brought you orange juice,
coffee and aspirins.Copy !req
141. Or do you need to throw up?Copy !req
142. No. No.Copy !req
143. Gloria, I would like you
to meet Hobson...Copy !req
144. my best friend in the world.Copy !req
145. I relish the compliment.Copy !req
146. It is thrilling to meet you, Gloria.Copy !req
147. - Hi.
- Yes.Copy !req
148. You obviously have a wonderful economy
with words, Gloria.Copy !req
149. I look forward to your next syllable
with great eagerness.Copy !req
150. Yes. As we can all see,
it's a lovely day...Copy !req
151. which would seem to indicate
that the night is over.Copy !req
152. Gloria, I have arranged breakfast
for you on the east patio.Copy !req
153. This is a robe. Please put it on.Copy !req
154. Say goodbye to her, Arthur.Copy !req
155. - Hobson?
- Yes?Copy !req
156. - Do you know what I'm gonna do?
- No, I don't.Copy !req
157. I'm gonna take a bath.Copy !req
158. I'll alert the media.Copy !req
159. Do you want to run my bath for me?Copy !req
160. It's what I live for.Copy !req
161. Perhaps you'd like me to come in there
and wash your dick for you...Copy !req
162. you little shit.Copy !req
163. You'd better watch out
You'd better not cryCopy !req
164. You'd better not pout—Copy !req
165. Aah!Copy !req
166. I'm telling you whyCopy !req
167. Santa Claus is coming to townCopy !req
168. Mm.Copy !req
169. Yes?
Hobson, this is Arthur.Copy !req
170. - Yes. How delightful to hear from you.
- How about a pitcher of martinis?Copy !req
171. No, thank you.Copy !req
172. Oh, Hobson,
I'm not gonna face my father sober.Copy !req
173. If you don't bring them,
I'll have someone else do it.Copy !req
174. - I'll bring them.
- Thank you.Copy !req
175. - Say goodbye.
- Goodbye.Copy !req
176. He treats me like a kid. Pfft!Copy !req
177. He knows when you are sleepingCopy !req
178. He knows when you're awakeCopy !req
179. He knows when you've been
Bad or goodCopy !req
180. Ah.Copy !req
181. You know, Arthur, your father
is going to demand that you marry Susan.Copy !req
182. I don't care what he demands. Unh.Copy !req
183. Oh, stay with me a minute, Hobson.
You know I hate to be alone.Copy !req
184. Yes. Bathing is a lonely business.Copy !req
185. Except for fish.Copy !req
186. I beg your pardon?Copy !req
187. - Did you say "except for fish"?
- Yes.Copy !req
188. Fish all bathe together.
Although they do tend to eat one another.Copy !req
189. I often think,
fish must get awfully tired of seafood.Copy !req
190. What are your thoughts, Hobson?Copy !req
191. Pardon me.Copy !req
192. Arthur, I don't want you to be alone.Copy !req
193. I'll never be alone. I have you.Copy !req
194. God, isn't life wonderful, Hobson?Copy !req
195. - Yes, Arthur, it is. Do your armpits.
- A hot bath is wonderful.Copy !req
196. Girls are wonderful.Copy !req
197. Yes. Imagine how wonderful
a girl who bathes would be.Copy !req
198. Get dressed.Copy !req
199. I hate it here.Copy !req
200. Of course you hate it.
People work here.Copy !req
201. Here, read this magazine.
There are many pictures.Copy !req
202. Look how nobody ever smiles here.Copy !req
203. - Why doesn't anybody ever smile here?
- They smile at lunchtime.Copy !req
204. Lower your voice, Arthur, and sit up.Copy !req
205. Stop being so nervous.Copy !req
206. Later on, we'll get ice cream.Copy !req
207. Mr. Bach, your father will see you now.Copy !req
208. Thank you.Copy !req
209. - Come on, Hobson.
- He wants to see you alone.Copy !req
210. Oh.Copy !req
211. He gets all that money.Copy !req
212. Pays his family back
by being a stinking drunk.Copy !req
213. It's enough to make you sick.Copy !req
214. I really wouldn't know, sir.
I'm just a servant.Copy !req
215. - Yeah.
- On the other hand...Copy !req
216. go screw yourself.Copy !req
217. Hello.Copy !req
218. The press has a good time
with you, Arthur.Copy !req
219. - "Millionaire drunk playboy."
Mm-hm.Copy !req
220. You're the weakest man
I've ever known.Copy !req
221. I despise your weakness.Copy !req
222. Arthur...Copy !req
223. I'm afraid we have to talk.Copy !req
224. I'm not gonna marry her.
I've told you that a thousand times.Copy !req
225. Fine. If that's your decision, Arthur,
the family has no choice.Copy !req
226. I'm sorry, Arthur, very sorry,
but as of this moment, you are cut off.Copy !req
227. You mean cut off from...Copy !req
228. you and Grandmother
and the family?Copy !req
229. So you mean cut off from the...?Copy !req
230. The, um...Copy !req
231. - You don't mean cut off from the—?
- The money, Arthur.Copy !req
232. Your grandmother and I have had
all the papers drawn up.Copy !req
233. We want this marriage, Arthur.
I want it. Burt Johnson wants it.Copy !req
234. Burt Johnson? He's a criminal.Copy !req
235. Oh, we all are, Arthur.Copy !req
236. And as you know...Copy !req
237. we usually get what we want.Copy !req
238. Well, frankly, Father,
I'd rather starve.Copy !req
239. And I will. I'll get married
when I fall in love with somebody.Copy !req
240. Fine. I respect your integrity.Copy !req
241. You've just lost 750 million dollars.Copy !req
242. - Actually, Susan is a very nice girl.
- Very nice.Copy !req
243. - And she'll make a wonderful wife.
- Yes, wonderful.Copy !req
244. Have you ever seen her face...Copy !req
245. when the light catches it just right?
She's really quite beautiful.Copy !req
246. Of course, you can't depend on that light.Copy !req
247. The wedding is a month from today.Copy !req
248. - The invitations will be mailed tonight.
- And have you ever tasted her chicken?Copy !req
249. Whoo. She does spectacular things
with a chicken.Copy !req
250. - And I love a chicken made at home.
- Arthur.Copy !req
251. This is the ring your grandfather
gave to your grandmother.Copy !req
252. She wants you to give it to Susan.Copy !req
253. This is to marry one girl?Copy !req
254. - Please don't do this to me, Father.
- I've been waiting for you to grow up.Copy !req
255. I can't wait any longer.Copy !req
256. Congratulations, Father. You win.Copy !req
257. I had every intention of winning.Copy !req
258. Congratulations to you, Arthur.Copy !req
259. You're going to be a wealthy man
for the rest of your life.Copy !req
260. That's all I've ever wanted to be.Copy !req
261. I'll take three dozen of these shirts.
Um, assorted colors.Copy !req
262. - I hate my father.
- Then purchase four dozen.Copy !req
263. Four dozen, please. And I want...Copy !req
264. 14 of these sweaters, all green.Copy !req
265. - All green?
- I don't wear sweaters.Copy !req
266. Send them to my address, will you?Copy !req
267. What else can I buy, Hobson?Copy !req
268. - Hobson. Did you see that?
- Yes.Copy !req
269. She stole that tie. It's a perfect crime.
Girls don't wear ties.Copy !req
270. Although some do. It's not a perfect crime,
but it's a good crime.Copy !req
271. Yes. If she murdered the tie,
it'd be a perfect crime.Copy !req
272. Why are you so happy about all this?Copy !req
273. The man following her is
a security guard. We've gotta be calm.Copy !req
274. Isn't she beautiful? Jesus.Copy !req
275. May I ask what have we to do with this?Copy !req
276. Beg your pardon, miss.
I'm the security guard in the store.Copy !req
277. Yeah? Trust me, you don't need the badge.
No customer would wear that jacket.Copy !req
278. - Ah, ah, ah. Miss.
- Hey. Hey.Copy !req
279. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to look
in the bag. I saw you put something in it.Copy !req
280. You got trouble, mister. You're never gonna
work on the East Coast again.Copy !req
281. - Okay, what's your name? Name.
- She's sensational.Copy !req
282. She does have
a certain Eleanor Roosevelt quality.Copy !req
283. What's your address?
- Uh, miss...Copy !req
284. - Give me the address! I want the address!
- Look, I saw you put a tie in that bag!Copy !req
285. - What did you say?
What's going on?Copy !req
286. All right, that's it. I want a cop.Copy !req
287. Somebody get me a cop.
We need a cop here.Copy !req
288. Don't you move, Chester. I don't wanna
see you move out of my sight.Copy !req
289. - Get me a cop! Get your hands off me!
- Uh, Chester. I'm Arthur Bach.Copy !req
290. I'll straighten this out.Copy !req
291. Hello, Mr. Bach.
You really should stay out of this.Copy !req
292. Yeah, well, he's in it, Chester.
Tell him, Alfred.Copy !req
293. I know this woman.
We were shopping together.Copy !req
294. - Where the hell have you been?
- I'm sorry, darling. I got caught up.Copy !req
295. - She's a friend of yours, Mr. Bach?
- He just said that, Chester.Copy !req
296. - You're such a schmuck, Chester.
I asked her to pick out a tie.Copy !req
297. I was gonna put it on my bill.Copy !req
298. - And you didn't pay for it?
- I know. I forgot. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.Copy !req
299. Well— Chester, what can I say?
I had no idea.Copy !req
300. May I look at the tie?Copy !req
301. Of course.Copy !req
302. - Oh, God, that's... That's lovely.
- Hope you like it.Copy !req
303. You're really wonderful.Copy !req
304. Not in front of all these people, dear.
They might think you're an animal.Copy !req
305. Mr. Bach, you understand it's my job.Copy !req
306. Would you ask the lady at the counter
to put this on my bill?Copy !req
307. Oh, of course. I'll take care of it, Mr. Bach.
Thank you very much. Thank you.Copy !req
308. Thank you, sir.Copy !req
309. Were you scared?Copy !req
310. Yes.Copy !req
311. Why are you smiling at me like that?Copy !req
312. I see. You're a little strange,
but cute. How are you?Copy !req
313. Well, have a nice day.
Thank you very much.Copy !req
314. I'm gonna go to the bus stop now.Copy !req
315. Why did you steal that tie?Copy !req
316. I don't know. I'm a wonderful person.Copy !req
317. I'm serious.Copy !req
318. I'll be with you in a minute.
He's starting to get on my nerves.Copy !req
319. Will you stop smiling at me like that?Copy !req
320. You look like one of Santa's helpers.Copy !req
321. Is he with us?Copy !req
322. My name is Arthur,
and this is Mr. Hobson.Copy !req
323. Good afternoon.Copy !req
324. "Good afternoon"?Copy !req
325. My name is Linda.Copy !req
326. And I'd like to thank you very much.
You did a nice thing.Copy !req
327. That was an interesting kiss.Copy !req
328. - Kiss your wife like that?
I'm not married.Copy !req
329. Keep smiling. 688-5549.
Don't expect big things on the first date.Copy !req
330. Yes, it's been a distinct pleasure
meeting you.Copy !req
331. Arthur, we really must be going.
Thank you for a memorable afternoon.Copy !req
332. Usually one must go to a bowling alley
to meet a woman of your stature.Copy !req
333. - Wouldn't it be funny if he called me?
Yes.Copy !req
334. Arthur, I see no reason
for prolonging this conversation.Copy !req
335. Unless you're planning to knock over
a fruit stand later in the evening.Copy !req
336. Good luck in prison.Copy !req
337. - Who was the tie for?
- A guy.Copy !req
338. Look how he stopped smiling.
My father. It's his birthday.Copy !req
339. What are you doing tomorrow night?Copy !req
340. Uh, I don't know. Oh. I have plans
for tomorrow night. What should I wear?Copy !req
341. Steal something casual.Copy !req
342. - I like him.
Likewise, I'm sure.Copy !req
343. I'll have Bitterman drive you home. Hobson
and I have got some shopping to do.Copy !req
344. Oh, no. You don't have to do that.Copy !req
345. Bitterman doesn't have to take me.
Hi, Bitterman. Heh.Copy !req
346. You know, I really hardly ever
take the bus, ever.Copy !req
347. - Right.
- But it's just so hard to get a cab.Copy !req
348. Of course.Copy !req
349. I'm sure we know
a lot of the same people.Copy !req
350. - Get in.
- Right.Copy !req
351. Tell Bitterman where to take you.Copy !req
352. And make sure you give him your address
and your phone number.Copy !req
353. Right.Copy !req
354. Take care of her, Bitterman.Copy !req
355. Good afternoon.Copy !req
356. You'd think they'd never
seen a car before. Ha.Copy !req
357. Hey, lady, where'd you get the car?Copy !req
358. Could you children please allow us
our privacy? Please?Copy !req
359. - Bitterman?
Yes, madam?Copy !req
360. Could I just sit here
until one of my neighbors walks by?Copy !req
361. I mean, I just want someone I know
to see me get out of this.Copy !req
362. I understand.Copy !req
363. Oh, here comes Mrs. Nesbitt.
This should kill her.Copy !req
364. Well, don't touch the door. I'll do it.Copy !req
365. Mrs. Nesbitt deserves
the entire treatment.Copy !req
366. Right. Hurry up.Copy !req
367. Unh. Ha, ha. Thank you, Bitterman.Copy !req
368. Why, hello, Mrs. Nesbitt.Copy !req
369. - Will that be all, madam?
- I think so.Copy !req
370. Have a nice evening, Mrs. Nesbitt.Copy !req
371. - Could be a big tie.
- It is a tie.Copy !req
372. Then guessing would be
out of the question.Copy !req
373. - It is a tie.
- Surprise.Copy !req
374. Ha, ha. I love it.Copy !req
375. - It goes with everything I own.
- Ha, ha.Copy !req
376. I hope you like it. If I don't get a job soon,
you may get it back on your birthday.Copy !req
377. Dad...Copy !req
378. shut up.Copy !req
379. - A funny thing happened to me today.
- Yeah?Copy !req
380. Do you know why girls marry so badly?Copy !req
381. Is this a joke? Are these Polish girls?Copy !req
382. No. The reason is,
there are so many girls...Copy !req
383. and so...Copy !req
384. few princes.Copy !req
385. You met a prince?Copy !req
386. I met a nice guy.
With my help, he could become a prince.Copy !req
387. - Who is he?
- Just a guy.Copy !req
388. What does he do?Copy !req
389. Nothing.Copy !req
390. Another beauty.
How does he make a living?Copy !req
391. Look, I have to make dinner.Copy !req
392. I take it this bum will be calling you?Copy !req
393. Dad, he's a millionaire.Copy !req
394. You have my permission to marry him.Copy !req
395. - Roses. Yellow.
- Right.Copy !req
396. - She'll drop dead. She'll love them.
- Right.Copy !req
397. Uh, yellow roses. Two dozen.Copy !req
398. I think something else
would look nice too.Copy !req
399. - Red roses. With the yellow.
- Right.Copy !req
400. She won't know what hit her.
You'll be aces with her.Copy !req
401. - You're a nice boy.
- Two dozen red, okay?Copy !req
402. - Do you know what happened?
- No, I don't.Copy !req
403. - Yesterday, I met her outside Bergdorf's.
- Good, good.Copy !req
404. And I can't stop thinking about her.Copy !req
405. - Uh, are you married?
- Once. She's alive.Copy !req
406. - What's that? Uh...
- Yucca plant.Copy !req
407. - I'll take it.
- How many?Copy !req
408. - Four.
- Where were you when I was selling cars?Copy !req
409. How did you know when you fell in love?
I mean, how does anybody know?Copy !req
410. - I was on a train.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
411. - From Washington to New York.
- What's that?Copy !req
412. A fern. You need five.
- Right.Copy !req
413. A girl got on the train.
Skinny. She gave me a smile.Copy !req
414. - By Baltimore, I was a dead duck.
- God.Copy !req
415. Did you whistle a lot?
I mean, I find I whistle.Copy !req
416. I whistled.Copy !req
417. - Did you feel funny? I mean, I feel funny.
- No. You may have a cold.Copy !req
418. Yeah. Listen, could you send all this,
and anything else you can think of...Copy !req
419. to this address?Copy !req
420. And send two dozen roses to your wife,
the skinny one on the train.Copy !req
421. Here, keep the change.Copy !req
422. You're the rich one?
The one who drinks?Copy !req
423. Mm.Copy !req
424. - How does it feel to have all that money?
- Feels great.Copy !req
425. A dumb question.Copy !req
426. What do you do? I've never asked you.Copy !req
427. I'm an actress.
I mean, I'm studying to be one. Ha, ha.Copy !req
428. Yeah? Great.Copy !req
429. Yeah. But right now I'm working
as a waitress. A lot of talented girls do that.Copy !req
430. - Yeah. What's it like being a waitress?
- Well, it's fun. I mean, you know, someti—Copy !req
431. This guy came in and pulled out—Copy !req
432. - Great. Thank you.
- Great.Copy !req
433. - Okay, what? A guy came in—?
- A guy came into the diner...Copy !req
434. and then pulled out—Copy !req
435. - Pulled out what?
- Pulled out a gun.Copy !req
436. Oh. God.Copy !req
437. - Thank you.
- I love this song.Copy !req
438. - Love it too.
- Ha-ha-ha.Copy !req
439. - Hey, when do I get a turn?
- Shh.Copy !req
440. Can't you see I'm going for
a new world record? Ha!Copy !req
441. After only 12 games, I have 80 coupons.Copy !req
442. I knew it would be different
spending an evening with a millionaire.Copy !req
443. Ha! Two more, and I'm 20 for 20.
That's another 35 coupons. Ha, ha.Copy !req
444. Could we have—?
Could we have a little quiet here?Copy !req
445. You nut.Copy !req
446. Look at him with his gun.Copy !req
447. Are you cute.Copy !req
448. God, I missed. Nineteen.Copy !req
449. - For 19, you get 15 coupons.
- Ha! Ha.Copy !req
450. Thank you.Copy !req
451. We really have to go now. So...Copy !req
452. "Space Invaders"? Holy crap.Copy !req
453. All right. You win.Copy !req
454. - What do you want, the orange one?
Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
455. - I love it.
- Enjoy it.Copy !req
456. - Take care of it.
- Take care of it? I already named it.Copy !req
457. - What?
- Well, I named it after my grandmother...Copy !req
458. on my mother's side.
Oh.Copy !req
459. "Arthur."Copy !req
460. Here's a rose.
I stole it from the restroom.Copy !req
461. Thank you.Copy !req
462. I've never taken care of anyone.Copy !req
463. Everyone's always taken care of me.Copy !req
464. But if you got sick, or anything...Copy !req
465. I'd take care of you.Copy !req
466. Then I'll get sick.Copy !req
467. This Vermeer just arrived today.Copy !req
468. It's called Woman Admiring Pearls.Copy !req
469. The dealer jerked me around
on the price a little.Copy !req
470. But what the hell?Copy !req
471. We live once.Copy !req
472. Martha?Copy !req
473. What's the matter, Arthur?Copy !req
474. I can't marry Susan Johnson.Copy !req
475. - Really?
- Imet this girl.Copy !req
476. Arthur. You are a charming boy.Copy !req
477. Unfortunately, every time you have
an erection, it makes the papers.Copy !req
478. Goodness. I sound like a dime novel.Copy !req
479. Peanuts!Copy !req
480. Isn't my grandson handsome, Harriet?Copy !req
481. - Yes.
- Thank you, Harriet.Copy !req
482. Arthur, is it wonderful to be...Copy !req
483. promiscuous?Copy !req
484. At your age, Martha,
it might just be dangerous.Copy !req
485. Who is she? This one you met.Copy !req
486. I don't know.Copy !req
487. She lives in Queens. She's nobody.Copy !req
488. But, oh, there's something
about her, Martha.Copy !req
489. Arthur.Copy !req
490. Make no mistakes.Copy !req
491. You are too old to be poor.Copy !req
492. You don't know how.Copy !req
493. We are ruthless people.Copy !req
494. Don't screw with us.Copy !req
495. Arthur, I love you.Copy !req
496. But if you don't marry Susan,
I'll cut you off without a cent.Copy !req
497. - You're a scary old broad, Martha.
- Yes.Copy !req
498. And you are a delightful child.Copy !req
499. Marry Susan
and cheat with the nobody from Queens.Copy !req
500. - Yeah?
Oh, Linda.Copy !req
501. - Hi.
- How are you?Copy !req
502. How are you? I got off work early.
Listen, do you like lasagna?Copy !req
503. - Yeah. Um...
- Oh, thank God.Copy !req
504. Linda, uh...Copy !req
505. I know this is last-minute...Copy !req
506. but something came up.
I can't make it tonight. I'm sorry.Copy !req
507. Fine. No problem. What?Copy !req
508. Linda, listen, the truth is...Copy !req
509. I'm getting engaged tonight.Copy !req
510. The easiest thing would be to lie,
but I like you—Copy !req
511. Look, no sweat.Copy !req
512. - Linda—
- We had some laughs. Good luck.Copy !req
513. I wanted to tell you
the other night, but I—Copy !req
514. Don't worry about it.
I really— I have to go. Okay? Bye.Copy !req
515. Damn.Copy !req
516. No, Linda.Copy !req
517. - Would you like a beer?
- I'll be all right, sweetheart. I...Copy !req
518. I just have to be alone for a minute.Copy !req
519. Oh, God. I can't bear it.Copy !req
520. Come in.Copy !req
521. Shall I get the car, Mr. Bach?Copy !req
522. No thanks, Bitterman.Copy !req
523. Tonight I'll drive myself.Copy !req
524. How often does
a young man get engaged?Copy !req
525. - Where's Mr. Hobson?
- Mr. Hobson was tired, sir. He's resting.Copy !req
526. He's been tired
quite a bit lately, Bitterman.Copy !req
527. Oh, I'm sure he's fine, sir.Copy !req
528. Will you cut it out?Copy !req
529. Well, I didn't mean to tell you,
but I've got this tumor in my head.Copy !req
530. - Did the lights go off?
- Hobson, just talk to me, okay?Copy !req
531. Oh, with a tumor in my head?Copy !req
532. Listen, Arthur.Copy !req
533. - There are three books. This is important.
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
534. Take them back...Copy !req
535. to the library.Copy !req
536. Oh, God, Hobson, please.
Don't die anymore. It's getting very boring.Copy !req
537. I told you, I've only got a cold.
Now go and get engaged.Copy !req
538. - I just told Linda I was getting engaged.
- I don't know why.Copy !req
539. A little tart like that
could save you a fortune in prostitutes.Copy !req
540. Listen, old man...Copy !req
541. don't ever talk about her that way again.
She's the best person I know.Copy !req
542. Goddamn it,
why are you such a snob?Copy !req
543. Hobson, I raised my voice to you.
I've never done that before.Copy !req
544. That's quite all right.Copy !req
545. You know, you may be growing up.Copy !req
546. And I'm sorry
for what I said about Linda.Copy !req
547. No.Copy !req
548. Do you want anything?Copy !req
549. I want to be younger.Copy !req
550. Sorry. It's your job to be older.Copy !req
551. - Good evening, Mr. Bach.
- Good evening, Mr. Butler.Copy !req
552. - I'm here to get engaged.
- Won't you come in, sir?Copy !req
553. Yes, I will.Copy !req
554. How are you?Copy !req
555. Susan. You get down here this minute.Copy !req
556. - Miss Susan is expecting you.
- Yes.Copy !req
557. She's dressing.
I will inform her that you're here.Copy !req
558. Tell her that Chief Inspector Flanigan
from Homicide is here.Copy !req
559. That should get her down in a hurry.Copy !req
560. - Nothing. Offer to take my coat.
- You don't have a coat.Copy !req
561. Well, offer to take my tie.Copy !req
562. It's a little joke.Copy !req
563. Listen, take the rest of the week off.
You're obviously under a lot of tension.Copy !req
564. Would you care to wait in the library?Copy !req
565. Yes, I would.
The bathroom is out of the question.Copy !req
566. God.Copy !req
567. No. That's another little joke.Copy !req
568. - Follow me, please.
- Well, sure.Copy !req
569. I'm a little nervous. I'm getting engaged.Copy !req
570. - You may wait in here.
- Thank you.Copy !req
571. Is there anything you care for
while you wait?Copy !req
572. Do you have today's Pravda?
I like to keep up with Russia.Copy !req
573. No.Copy !req
574. Then fill a glass with Scotch.Copy !req
575. Are you sure you want to be
a nightclub comic?Copy !req
576. Marty, he's pouring a drink.
I'll have to get back to you.Copy !req
577. Listen, Marty...Copy !req
578. if you're gonna be like that,
let's call the whole thing off. Thank you.Copy !req
579. God, these people. Thank you.Copy !req
580. I'm glad we had this time together.
You're a funny guy.Copy !req
581. Oh, you have that problem too?Copy !req
582. This must be awfully embarrassing
for you.Copy !req
583. - Hello, Arthur.
- Hello, Mr. Johnson.Copy !req
584. I haven't seen much of you lately.Copy !req
585. Ah.Copy !req
586. The reason you haven't
seen much of me...Copy !req
587. ils because I normally pick Susan up
at her apartment in town...Copy !req
588. and you live here. Want a drink?Copy !req
589. - I never drink.
- Ah.Copy !req
590. - No one in my family ever drinks.
- That's great.Copy !req
591. You probably never run out of ice
your whole life. Ha.Copy !req
592. I don't drink, because drinking
affects your decision-making.Copy !req
593. You may be right. I can't decide.Copy !req
594. That's just a little humor.Copy !req
595. Where's the rest of this moose?Copy !req
596. Arthur, I think it's time
we got to know one another.Copy !req
597. I do too. That's why
I had you come over today. Ha-ha-ha.Copy !req
598. This is a tough room.
I don't have to tell you that.Copy !req
599. You must have hated this moose.Copy !req
600. Why don't you forget the moose
for a moment?Copy !req
601. Right.Copy !req
602. Arthur.Copy !req
603. You know, I didn't inherit money
like you did. I started with nothing.Copy !req
604. And yet...Copy !req
605. was a millionaire
by the time I was 18.Copy !req
606. Anyone stood in my way, they got hurt.Copy !req
607. When I was 11 years old...Copy !req
608. I killed a man.Copy !req
609. Well...Copy !req
610. When you're 11, you probably don't
even know there's a law against that.Copy !req
611. Is Susan here?Copy !req
612. I knew what I was doing. We were poor.Copy !req
613. - He came into our house to steal our food.
- Well, he was asking for it.Copy !req
614. I took a knife...Copy !req
615. and I killed him in the kitchen.Copy !req
616. Oh.Copy !req
617. You, um, probably ate out that night.Copy !req
618. I mean,
with that man lying in your kitchen.Copy !req
619. - You seem to find humor in everything.
- Yes. Sorry.Copy !req
620. - Arthur.
- What?Copy !req
621. Do you know what I consider to be
my most precious possession?Copy !req
622. - No.
- My daughter.Copy !req
623. She is my gold.Copy !req
624. - She is my treasure.
- She's very nice.Copy !req
625. And I protect what's mine.Copy !req
626. And I do it in an ugly way.Copy !req
627. - I'm from the gutter.
- Oh, I understand. Yes, the gutter.Copy !req
628. - You seem upset.
- Now, Susan loves you.Copy !req
629. - And I want you to make her happy.
- Mm. Oh—Copy !req
630. You— You can count on—Copy !req
631. I insist on you making her happy.Copy !req
632. Listen.Copy !req
633. What happens—Copy !req
634. I mean, this is just hypothetical.
—If I don't make her happy?Copy !req
635. Which is out of the question.
I swear she'll be happy.Copy !req
636. But let's just say, um, I make her...Copy !req
637. cranky.Copy !req
638. For cranky, I guess you'd probably
just break my ankles.Copy !req
639. Something like that.Copy !req
640. You'll make her happy.
I don't like your drinking.Copy !req
641. - Oh.
- It makes you unreasonable.Copy !req
642. I want you to go to work.Copy !req
643. Now, your father and I talked about it.
I want you...Copy !req
644. to work for me.Copy !req
645. - Is this it? She's not happy already?
- Arthur, Susan loves you.Copy !req
646. So I love you. You'll find me a friend.Copy !req
647. Arthur, don't you get it?Copy !req
648. You can get drunk. You can throw up.
You can forget to call me for months.Copy !req
649. You can't lose with me.
I know you too well.Copy !req
650. And I'm much stronger than you are.Copy !req
651. I know how alone you are.Copy !req
652. I hate how alone you are.Copy !req
653. I've cried because you're so alone.Copy !req
654. Don't be afraid, Arthur.Copy !req
655. You're never going to be alone again.Copy !req
656. Waiter.Copy !req
657. I'll have another one.
You want another fish?Copy !req
658. Don't drink anymore, Arthur.Copy !req
659. - Susan.
- Yes, Arthur?Copy !req
660. You're such an asshole.Copy !req
661. This is what I am.Copy !req
662. Everyone who drinks is not a poet.Copy !req
663. Some of us drink
because we're not poets.Copy !req
664. A real woman
could stop you from drinking.Copy !req
665. It'd have to be a real big woman.Copy !req
666. - Arthur, will you take my hand?
- That would leave you with one.Copy !req
667. Sorry. Here's the hand.Copy !req
668. I love you, Arthur.Copy !req
669. Good. I have to talk to the waiter now.Copy !req
670. My doctor has advised me
that I must drink 10 of these an hour.Copy !req
671. I understand, Mr. Bach.Copy !req
672. This is the ring my grandfather
gave to my grandmother. Ahem.Copy !req
673. Then he died.Copy !req
674. And subsequently, she gave it to me.Copy !req
675. I'll always love you, Arthur.Copy !req
676. - It's a great ring, isn't it?
- It's a beautiful ring.Copy !req
677. It's a magical night.Copy !req
678. Do you have any objection
to naming a child Viadimir?Copy !req
679. - Even a girl?
- Ask me, Arthur.Copy !req
680. Will you marry me, Susan?
Take the weekend if you want.Copy !req
681. - Yes.
- Congratulations.Copy !req
682. Would you mind
if I took you home? I've—Copy !req
683. I've got a terrible headache.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.Copy !req
684. Linda?Copy !req
685. Linda?Copy !req
686. This must be the building.Copy !req
687. Linda?Copy !req
688. Hey. Cochie-cochie-cochie-coo.Copy !req
689. Linda?Copy !req
690. Linda?Copy !req
691. I hope it's not late. Who am I talking to?
Oh, it's me, it's me.Copy !req
692. - Linda?
- What do you want?Copy !req
693. Ah, shit. I-Copy !req
694. I'm very sorry
to have disturbed you, madam.Copy !req
695. I was looking for Linda.
I hope this is the wrong house.Copy !req
696. - My husband has a gun!
- I'm sure he has, madam.Copy !req
697. For all I know,
he shot it while you screamed.Copy !req
698. - Perry! Come over here!
- No, no!Copy !req
699. This man wants to know
where Linda lives!Copy !req
700. She lives at 14133, Apartment A,
next door.Copy !req
701. - Thank you very—
- You tell a total stranger that...Copy !req
702. - ... when you don't know who he is?
- He looks okay.Copy !req
703. Right. Get over here. She's terrible.
Does she always hit you like that?Copy !req
704. - Yeah. What can I do?
- Listen—Copy !req
705. Mind your own business!Copy !req
706. Perry, for God's sake,
she's gonna kill you. Get in there, Perry.Copy !req
707. Give her a shot. Jesus Chri—
It's you against her, Perr—Copy !req
708. Oh, God.Copy !req
709. That's horrible. Horrible. Horrible.Copy !req
710. You shouldn't hear this.Copy !req
711. Oh, God.Copy !req
712. Ooh.Copy !req
713. Come on, legs.Copy !req
714. Perry, you're a dead man.Copy !req
715. One foot— Pardon me.Copy !req
716. Oh, you're a hedge.Copy !req
717. - Oh. You must be Linda's father.
- Yeah. It's kind of late.Copy !req
718. Although I wasn't sleeping myself, Arthur.
Oh, nice to meet you, Arthur.Copy !req
719. Yeah. Hi. Hi. Hi, Linda.Copy !req
720. Can I come in?
Don't you hate Perry's wife?Copy !req
721. Let him in.Copy !req
722. Linda, I've missed—Copy !req
723. Ah.Copy !req
724. - Sorry, Linda. I'm sorry.
- Mm-hm. Mm-hm.Copy !req
725. Really.Copy !req
726. It happens.Copy !req
727. What the hell is the matter with you?Copy !req
728. Nobody knocks on a door
at 3:00 in the morning.Copy !req
729. You're so drunk,
you can hardly stand up.Copy !req
730. And you're engaged.Copy !req
731. This is a goner.Copy !req
732. I'm going to sleep.Copy !req
733. You come here at 3:00 in the morning
to say goodbye?Copy !req
734. I have to get up and go to work
in the morning. Stop kidding around.Copy !req
735. Will you stop kissing me?Copy !req
736. I'm sure you're not gonna want
to be a waitress for the rest of your life.Copy !req
737. I am studying to be an actress.Copy !req
738. - You told me.
- Well, I am.Copy !req
739. I know. I know.Copy !req
740. This is for you, your father,
and your acting career.Copy !req
741. - Now, please take it, and I'll go.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
742. - $100,000.
Aah.Copy !req
743. We don't need your money.Copy !req
744. - Now, Linda, it'll help you.
- Yeah. Look what it's done for you.Copy !req
745. Now tell your story walking
before I call a cop.Copy !req
746. Get out of here.Copy !req
747. Closet.Copy !req
748. I know.Copy !req
749. - Wanna take it for a spin, Hobson?
- No, thank you, Arthur.Copy !req
750. Mr. Bach, be sure you call me
anytime you need the track.Copy !req
751. Okay.
Take it easy.Copy !req
752. Thank you.Copy !req
753. Hobson, do you know
how miserable I am?Copy !req
754. You're miserable?
I've got all this, and I'm on a salary.Copy !req
755. Do you know the worst part?
The worst part of being me?Copy !req
756. I should imagine your breath.Copy !req
757. Let me be unhappy, will you?Copy !req
758. You know, Hobson, I...Copy !req
759. I could love somebody.Copy !req
760. I never got to love anybody.Copy !req
761. What do I have to live for?
I'm a failure at everything.Copy !req
762. I'm just in everyone's way.Copy !req
763. Would you remove your helmet, please?Copy !req
764. - Why?
- Please.Copy !req
765. Thank you. Now your goggles.Copy !req
766. - Why?
- Please.Copy !req
767. Thank you.Copy !req
768. You spoiled little bastard.Copy !req
769. You're a man who has everything,
haven't you? But that's not enough.Copy !req
770. You feel unloved, Arthur?
Welcome to the world. Everyone is unloved.Copy !req
771. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself.
And, incidentally, I love you.Copy !req
772. Marry Susan, Arthur.Copy !req
773. Poor drunks do not find love, Arthur.Copy !req
774. Poor drunks have very few teeth.
They urinate outdoors.Copy !req
775. They freeze to death in summer.Copy !req
776. - I can't bear to think of you that way.
- Ineed Linda, Hobson.Copy !req
777. I see.Copy !req
778. Well, perhaps fate
will lend a hand, Arthur.Copy !req
779. One never knows.Copy !req
780. - "Good afternoon"?
- Yes. May I come in?Copy !req
781. If you and your undershirt
would walk two paces backwards...Copy !req
782. could enter this dwelling.Copy !req
783. How revolting.Copy !req
784. Well...Copy !req
785. look who's here. The British Tonto.Copy !req
786. How are you? How's Arthur?Copy !req
787. You know, ever since I met that Arthur,
I just liked him.Copy !req
788. You know, we have to make sure that
these two wonderful kids stay together.Copy !req
789. Who is this person?Copy !req
790. - He's my father.
- Yes.Copy !req
791. - And I'd like to say that—
- Try not to speak.Copy !req
792. Would you get me a cup of tea?
I wish to speak to Linda.Copy !req
793. Oh, sure. Heh, heh.Copy !req
794. There is an engagement party tonight
at Arthur's father's house in Southampton.Copy !req
795. Here is the address.
Perhaps you should attend.Copy !req
796. Are all the ones he passed up coming?Copy !req
797. Young woman,
this is a tie you cannot steal.Copy !req
798. This is a tie you're going to
have to work for.Copy !req
799. Are you inviting me
to Arthur's engagement party?Copy !req
800. This is not an invitation.Copy !req
801. However...Copy !req
802. if there's one thing
that old gentlemen can still do...Copy !req
803. they can still spot young gentlemen
in love.Copy !req
804. Please go to the party.Copy !req
805. - Are you all right?
- Yes, I'm fine.Copy !req
806. Um...Copy !req
807. Does Arthur know you're here?Copy !req
808. No, Arthur is far too fine a person
to be involved...Copy !req
809. in something as devious as this.Copy !req
810. - You really look out for him, don't you?
- Yes.Copy !req
811. And it is a job
that I recommend highly.Copy !req
812. - I have something for you.
- For me?Copy !req
813. What is it?Copy !req
814. If I were to tell you, it would spoil
the surprise, wouldn't it? Don't open it.Copy !req
815. - Here's your tea.
- I despise tea.Copy !req
816. Would you go to the bathroom
and bring me two aspirin?Copy !req
817. You'll find them on the top shelf, to the left,
behind the untouched shaving cream.Copy !req
818. That sounds bad.
Have you seen a doctor?Copy !req
819. Yes.Copy !req
820. And he has seen me.Copy !req
821. You know...Copy !req
822. I think Arthur has a very good friend.Copy !req
823. May I kiss you on the cheek?Copy !req
824. - Is it something you feel strongly about?
- Yes.Copy !req
825. Oh, what about your aspirins?Copy !req
826. The aspirins are for you, my dear.Copy !req
827. Hello.Copy !req
828. Good evening.Copy !req
829. Mm. God knows when I'll see you again.Copy !req
830. - Arthur, will you play something for us?
- No.Copy !req
831. I'd rather— I—Copy !req
832. Gosh, darling.Copy !req
833. Ah, yes.Copy !req
834. Thank you.Copy !req
835. - Don't you hate these things?
- Despise them.Copy !req
836. Actually, seriously, um...Copy !req
837. songs come and go,
but I love the classics.Copy !req
838. And I hope you'll enjoy this one.Copy !req
839. You'd better watch outCopy !req
840. You'd better not cryCopy !req
841. - Oh, are you good friends with Arthur?
- Oh. For ages. Ha-ha-ha.Copy !req
842. I'm so pleased he finally found
the right woman. Where is she?Copy !req
843. She's, uh... She's over there.Copy !req
844. - Isn't she just beautiful?
Of course she is.Copy !req
845. - Why would Arthur marry a dog?
- Pardon?Copy !req
846. Santa Claus is coming to townCopy !req
847. How does it feel
to be getting married, Arthur?Copy !req
848. Blue moonCopy !req
849. You saw me standing aloneCopy !req
850. Without a dream in my heartCopy !req
851. Without a love of my ownCopy !req
852. Thanks a lot. That's flattering.Copy !req
853. If you knew Susan like I knew SusanCopy !req
854. Oh. Oh.Copy !req
855. I need a drinkCopy !req
856. - Tell me your entire name, darling.
- Preston Langley.Copy !req
857. Oh, Preston. Really. I mean,
if you don't remember when we met...Copy !req
858. I mean, honestly. Ha-ha-ha.Copy !req
859. - Put your arm around me, Preston.
Of course.Copy !req
860. Linda, you're here.Copy !req
861. So true.Copy !req
862. Arthur. Join us.Copy !req
863. Congratulations.
Father sends his regards.Copy !req
864. - Does he?
- Yes, he does.Copy !req
865. Wednesday night may be difficult for me.Copy !req
866. - What?
- You're looking wonderful, my dear.Copy !req
867. - Aren't I? Thank you.
- Wednesday?Copy !req
868. It's difficult for her that night.
Isn't that the night you usually attend...Copy !req
869. - ... the ballet, darling, with your father?
- Yes.Copy !req
870. Actually, I feel foolish...Copy !req
871. - ... but I don't recall ever making—
- Preston.Copy !req
872. Would you be divine
and get me a gin and tonic?Copy !req
873. Scotch for me, Preston.Copy !req
874. - You wait here for me?
- If it takes forever.Copy !req
875. What are you doing here,
and why are you talking like that?Copy !req
876. I was in the neighborhood.Copy !req
877. It took me two buses,
three cabs and a train...Copy !req
878. to get into the neighborhood,
but what the hell? Ha-ha-ha.Copy !req
879. Nice place. I like a living room
you can land a plane in.Copy !req
880. There's more of it. You like a tour?Copy !req
881. I've seen bedrooms.Copy !req
882. - Don't be a lover. Be a person.
- You make me happy.Copy !req
883. Her name is Linda Marolla.Copy !req
884. She's the one Arthur saw the other night.
She lives in Queens.Copy !req
885. Mario, please.Copy !req
886. Listen, don't worry.
I talked to the warden.Copy !req
887. - We're gonna get you out of here.
- Ha-ha-ha.Copy !req
888. When I was a kid, I used to open
all their stalls and let them run out.Copy !req
889. You should have been there
the day I freed my goldfish.Copy !req
890. Come over here.
I want you two to meet.Copy !req
891. Pancho. Pancho. This is Linda.
I told you about her. Do you remember?Copy !req
892. Must've been something,
growing up with all this.Copy !req
893. Oh. I was away at boarding school
most of the time.Copy !req
894. I was kicked out of 10 prep schools.
I was a bad kid.Copy !req
895. No, you weren't.Copy !req
896. You just wanted to go home.Copy !req
897. Bad kids don't grow up
as nice as you are.Copy !req
898. - Why do you think Pancho loves you?
- Well, thank you.Copy !req
899. This is kind of like prom night, isn't it?Copy !req
900. I mean, we're all dressed up.Copy !req
901. Have you ever been in love?Copy !req
902. - No. You?
- No.Copy !req
903. But when I was little,
I thought the moon followed me.Copy !req
904. What?Copy !req
905. Well, I would walk, and I thought
that the moon went anyplace that I did.Copy !req
906. Oh, that's great.Copy !req
907. No, I know it's silly,
but I was only 8 years old.Copy !req
908. I thought it meant that something special
was gonna happen to me someday.Copy !req
909. So I've been waiting. Every day, I've been
doing my hair, and washing my face.Copy !req
910. - Can I kiss you?
- Please.Copy !req
911. I wasn't talking to you.Copy !req
912. Why is it you can make me laugh
at the saddest times in my whole life?Copy !req
913. - Why is that?
- I'm funny, that's why.Copy !req
914. - I'm funny.
- Yeah, that's it.Copy !req
915. - You're gonna marry Susan, aren't you?
- Yeah.Copy !req
916. I'm still glad I came here.
Made a fool out of myself.Copy !req
917. - I wish we had made love.
- Yeah.Copy !req
918. I would give anything
to see you in the morning.Copy !req
919. Linda, I have to marry Susan.
If I don't, my family will cut me off.Copy !req
920. - It's almost a billion dollars.
- Oh.Copy !req
921. One of the horses just fainted.Copy !req
922. Look, this is ridiculous, Arthur.Copy !req
923. You got cab fare back to the city?
I don't like to take a train at night.Copy !req
924. Look, when Susan and I get married...Copy !req
925. I can set you up in an apartment,
and we can—Copy !req
926. Forget it.Copy !req
927. Are you cute.Copy !req
928. I thought I'd find you here.
He just loves that smelly old horse.Copy !req
929. Have we met?Copy !req
930. Uh, I don't think you have.Copy !req
931. Linda Marolla,
this is Susan Johnson, my fiancée.Copy !req
932. I hope I'm not interrupting anything.Copy !req
933. - Of course not.
- I'd say that if I were you.Copy !req
934. We might as well tell her, Arthur.Copy !req
935. You tell her.Copy !req
936. My husband, Harold,
went to prep school with Arthur.Copy !req
937. Harold lost a fortune gambling.
He's sick. He's a sick man.Copy !req
938. But he's my husband.Copy !req
939. I'm not one of your guests tonight.
I came here for one reason only.Copy !req
940. I came here to beg Arthur
to lend us some money.Copy !req
941. One of my kids, my youngest, my baby,
needs an operation.Copy !req
942. Harold hasn't kept up the insurance policy.
I don't know where to turn.Copy !req
943. - Do I have to go on with this?
- No, of course not. Of course not.Copy !req
944. - Arthur, I wasn't spying on you.
- I know that.Copy !req
945. There's an urgent phone call for you
from Bitterman.Copy !req
946. Oh, thank you. Thanks.Copy !req
947. Say hello to Harold for me.Copy !req
948. - You all right, Bitterman?
- Yes, Sir.Copy !req
949. Um...Copy !req
950. would you like me to get you
some Scotch, sir?Copy !req
951. No. No, thanks.
We'll get through this together.Copy !req
952. Yes, sir.Copy !req
953. It's very hard.Copy !req
954. I'm glad to have you here, sir.Copy !req
955. - Bitterman, um, do me a favor.
- Yes, sir?Copy !req
956. Go back to the house.Copy !req
957. Phone my father and Mr. Johnson
and Miss Susan.Copy !req
958. Tell them what's happened.
The wedding will have to wait.Copy !req
959. - And bring me back some clothes here.
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
960. Okay, let's open the presents.Copy !req
961. I'm sorry, Arthur.Copy !req
962. - For what?
- For leaving you.Copy !req
963. You're not leaving anyone.Copy !req
964. - Why, it's a basketball.
- Yeah, well, what the hell?Copy !req
965. - I knew you didn't have one.
- Yes.Copy !req
966. If I feel the urge to dribble,
I can always call the nurse.Copy !req
967. I'll put this over here.Copy !req
968. - You purchased a choo-choo?
- Look, the wheels go round.Copy !req
969. I'm very pleased.Copy !req
970. Do you remember...?7Copy !req
971. Do you remember when you used to play
hide-and-seek with me?Copy !req
972. I used to hide, and you never found me.Copy !req
973. - Did you know I never looked?
- Come on.Copy !req
974. Well, I looked a little.Copy !req
975. Mm.Copy !req
976. One for you, one for me. Put it on.Copy !req
977. I don't wish to put it on.Copy !req
978. I'll put it on.Copy !req
979. If I begin to die,
please take this off my head.Copy !req
980. This is not the way
I wish to be remembered.Copy !req
981. Aren't they great?Copy !req
982. Got guns and holsters too. Look.Copy !req
983. Yes.Copy !req
984. Just in town for supplies, partner.Copy !req
985. Arthur, I'm frightened.Copy !req
986. I know you're frightened.Copy !req
987. And I'm gonna take care of you.Copy !req
988. - Morning, Mr. Bach.
- Hi, Ken.Copy !req
989. Here, I'll take that.Copy !req
990. Mr. Bach, you look terrible.
You haven't slept in a week.Copy !req
991. Well, we had a bad night. He was up.Copy !req
992. - I got the kippers and eggs.
- Great.Copy !req
993. - I could get fired.
- Oh, no, you won't.Copy !req
994. Listen, um, for lunch, um...Copy !req
995. want the trout almondine from Lutéce.
Tell Henri it's for me.Copy !req
996. - He shouldn't be eating that stuff.
- I don't want his last meal to be Jell-O.Copy !req
997. Thanks very much. See you later.Copy !req
998. Oh, look who's up.Copy !req
999. Well, now, ahem...Copy !req
1000. we have eggs, we have kippers.Copy !req
1001. We have croissant.
We have a yellow rose.Copy !req
1002. We have strawberries.
We have blueberry cakes.Copy !req
1003. We have orange juice,
and we have great coffee.Copy !req
1004. Right. Now, a table for one, sir.Copy !req
1005. Your regular.Copy !req
1006. You know, Arthur...Copy !req
1007. I'm very glad you're here.Copy !req
1008. I want you to eat this.
You know what this is costing me?Copy !req
1009. I've got chefs working
at 6 in the morning all over town.Copy !req
1010. Arthur, you look awful.Copy !req
1011. That's just because you've never seen me
sober. Now, come on, eat.Copy !req
1012. Come on. You used to make me eat.Copy !req
1013. Arthur.Copy !req
1014. What?Copy !req
1015. It's not so bad.Copy !req
1016. You don't need to be
so frightened about it.Copy !req
1017. - What?
- Dying.Copy !req
1018. Seems natural.Copy !req
1019. Even comforting now.Copy !req
1020. You're even teaching me how to die?Copy !req
1021. I'm through teaching you anything,
Arthur.Copy !req
1022. You've grown up.Copy !req
1023. - Arthur.
- What?Copy !req
1024. You can do anything with your life
that you want to.Copy !req
1025. What do you mean?Copy !req
1026. Figure it out.Copy !req
1027. Have you seen Linda Marolla lately?Copy !req
1028. Linda Marolla?Copy !req
1029. Why would you ask about her?Copy !req
1030. I don't know what I'm talking about.
I'm dying.Copy !req
1031. Want me to read you some Shakespeare?Copy !req
1032. - Hamlet was in big trouble when we left off.
- No.Copy !req
1033. - Arthur.
- Mm?Copy !req
1034. You're a good son.Copy !req
1035. You—
You take your average kid today, friend.Copy !req
1036. He don't wanna go in the Army.Copy !req
1037. Yeah, what does he care? The dope.Copy !req
1038. But the Communists,
they go in the Army.Copy !req
1039. If only we had some Communists here.Copy !req
1040. - No.
- No.Copy !req
1041. No. No.Copy !req
1042. While our kids are dancing...Copy !req
1043. their kids are learning how to fight.Copy !req
1044. Everybody's dancing here.Copy !req
1045. You're right. You're right.
It's not worth talking about.Copy !req
1046. - Let me buy you another drink.
- Right.Copy !req
1047. - What do you do?
- I'm a dance instructor.Copy !req
1048. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
Honest to God. I'm a dentist.Copy !req
1049. I hate dentists.Copy !req
1050. We're not bad guys.
It's not easy, you know?Copy !req
1051. There's— There's teeth
and gums and blood.Copy !req
1052. Oh, my God.Copy !req
1053. I have to get looped
just to walk into my office.Copy !req
1054. Bartender.
We would like two more, please.Copy !req
1055. - Haven't you had enough?
- I want more than enough.Copy !req
1056. How come you got all this money
for all these drinks?Copy !req
1057. I saved my money.
I haven't had a drink in a month.Copy !req
1058. - Oh, my God.
- Well, you see, my father died.Copy !req
1059. So I stayed sober.Copy !req
1060. One night at the hospital, he fell asleep.
I was watching him.Copy !req
1061. And then...Copy !req
1062. he just kept on sleeping.Copy !req
1063. And I was all alone.Copy !req
1064. Oh, that's terrible.Copy !req
1065. Nah. Listen...Copy !req
1066. I was lucky to know him at all.Copy !req
1067. - Are you somebody's father?
- No. I'm a drunk.Copy !req
1068. Oh, yeah, right.Copy !req
1069. I have a brother
who moved to New Jersey.Copy !req
1070. I'm getting married soon.Copy !req
1071. - Great.
- I don't love her.Copy !req
1072. - Oh, no.
- I don't love her.Copy !req
1073. - Well, don't make a scene.
- No, I'm sorry, but there—Copy !req
1074. There's this other girl.Copy !req
1075. - She steals ties...
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
1076. and gives them to her father.
She's funny.Copy !req
1077. Uh-huh.Copy !req
1078. - I want her.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
1079. - Want her!
- I have to go.Copy !req
1080. No, no, no.Copy !req
1081. Sorry.Copy !req
1082. Sir, your wedding
is within less than five hours.Copy !req
1083. Yeah. Listen, listen. Go see your brother.Copy !req
1084. All right? Nobody should be alone.Copy !req
1085. - Yeah.
- It's awful...Copy !req
1086. to be alone.Copy !req
1087. I just want you to know,
if he doesn't show up for this wedding...Copy !req
1088. - ... I'm going to kill him.
- Don't worry about it, Burt.Copy !req
1089. I talk to Arthur every day.Copy !req
1090. Since Hobson's death, he's stopped
drinking. He's anxious to work.Copy !req
1091. He's become a responsible citizen.
He'll be a good husband.Copy !req
1092. Thanks very much. Have a nice day.Copy !req
1093. - Thanks. Where's my roll?
- We're having it monogrammed.Copy !req
1094. Take it easy.
Hurry up with the old man's roll, huh?Copy !req
1095. - Can I help you?
- Do you recommend the French toast?Copy !req
1096. With all of my heart.Copy !req
1097. - Lady, I got customers.
I'll have it.Copy !req
1098. You've made the right decision.Copy !req
1099. - Miss? Miss? I—
- Wait a minute. Wait. Wait.Copy !req
1100. I've waited long enough.Copy !req
1101. - Can you take the next 60 years off?
- I'll have to ask.Copy !req
1102. - What—? You want some coffee?
- Where's my roll?Copy !req
1103. Wait. I'll get it.Copy !req
1104. - What the hell's going on here?
She's getting your roll.Copy !req
1105. - Here's your roll. Arthur, what happened?
- Hobson died.Copy !req
1106. I know. He loved you very much.
Did you know that?Copy !req
1107. Yeah. And I think I'll grow up.Copy !req
1108. I want to marry you.Copy !req
1109. Although I'm supposed
to marry Susan in 20 minutes.Copy !req
1110. - He seems drunk, but he sounds sincere.
Eat your roll.Copy !req
1111. Yeah.Copy !req
1112. Look, the money.
Arthur, can you live without the money?Copy !req
1113. Well, we'll have to.Copy !req
1114. Please marry me.Copy !req
1115. I'll try to be sober,
and I'll try to make you happy.Copy !req
1116. Although it won't be easy,
because I'll be poor.Copy !req
1117. - We'll be poor.
- We'll be poor.Copy !req
1118. Most people are poor.Copy !req
1119. Eat your roll.Copy !req
1120. Now, I have to tell Susan.
Come with me?Copy !req
1121. Yeah. I gotta change.Copy !req
1122. - I'll cover for you.
- All right.Copy !req
1123. Arthur, last night, I could've sworn
the moon was following me.Copy !req
1124. It was.Copy !req
1125. - I'm Arthur Bach, the groom.
- Congratulations.Copy !req
1126. Oh, thank you. And to you too.Copy !req
1127. I wonder, could you tell me
where the wedding party is?Copy !req
1128. Right over there, in that room.Copy !req
1129. Oh, thank you very much.
You've got a lovely...Copy !req
1130. Uh...Copy !req
1131. - Hat.
- He's drunk.Copy !req
1132. Hat. It's called a hat.Copy !req
1133. Good luck, Arthur.Copy !req
1134. Oh, thank you very much.
I'm Arthur Bach.Copy !req
1135. I'm Arthur Bach.Copy !req
1136. - Did you forget your garter belt?
No.Copy !req
1137. Hi.Copy !req
1138. - Sorry I'm late.
- Oh, Arthur.Copy !req
1139. Oh, Susan.Copy !req
1140. Susan, just the one I wanted to talk to.
Nice dress.Copy !req
1141. - Arthur, the ceremony's just—
- Yeah, yeah. I know. Um—Copy !req
1142. Could we just talk for a moment,
away from all these people?Copy !req
1143. Of course.Copy !req
1144. Uh...Copy !req
1145. Susan, I-Copy !req
1146. Susan, I— I—Copy !req
1147. I don't love you. I don't love you.Copy !req
1148. - What is it, dear?
- I don't love you.Copy !req
1149. I don't love you.Copy !req
1150. - It's right in that room over there.
- Ah.Copy !req
1151. - Thank you. Oh, your hat is lovely.
- I've heard.Copy !req
1152. Thank you.Copy !req
1153. You're drunk.
- I-Copy !req
1154. You're frightened.
- I know. I know. I'm both of those.Copy !req
1155. I know. But I'm—Copy !req
1156. I'm in love with another woman.Copy !req
1157. - What, dear?
- I'm in love with another woman.Copy !req
1158. What?Copy !req
1159. I'm in love...Copy !req
1160. with another woman.Copy !req
1161. Susan, the one innocent person
in all of this has been you. I'm really sorry.Copy !req
1162. Shut up, Arthur! Just shut up!Copy !req
1163. - Daddy!
- Oh, no, no, no.Copy !req
1164. No.Copy !req
1165. Oh, hello, Mr. Johnson.Copy !req
1166. Mr. Jo—Copy !req
1167. He must be nervous. Ha, ha.
Arthur gets nervous sometimes, you know.Copy !req
1168. Here's your ring, Arthur.Copy !req
1169. I hope you're happy.Copy !req
1170. Now, stand up, son.
I wanna kill you with my bare hands.Copy !req
1171. Arthur.Copy !req
1172. Oh, hi, Linda. I think you know everyone.
This is Susan's father.Copy !req
1173. My God, Arthur, you're really hurt.Copy !req
1174. I've got him right where I want him.Copy !req
1175. You animal.Copy !req
1176. Look, it's over.Copy !req
1177. He doesn't love your daughter.
I'm sorry. It happens.Copy !req
1178. - He loves me.
What about Harold?Copy !req
1179. Harold?Copy !req
1180. - Oh, you poor thing.
- Stand aside.Copy !req
1181. Now, is this the slut
that you've disgraced my daughter for?Copy !req
1182. Slut?Copy !req
1183. Slut?Copy !req
1184. Arthur!Copy !req
1185. Jesus.Copy !req
1186. Oh, my God, my...Copy !req
1187. - Daddy. Daddy. He's not worth it.
Just sit up.Copy !req
1188. - Susan.
- No.Copy !req
1189. Can you move, Arthur?
- No, Daddy. No!Copy !req
1190. - Everybody, out!
No, Daddy. No!Copy !req
1191. Out! All of you, out!Copy !req
1192. Oh. Oh, God.Copy !req
1193. Weird.Copy !req
1194. He's taking the knife out of the cheese.Copy !req
1195. - Do you think he wants some cheese?
No. I think we're gonna die.Copy !req
1196. - I don't wanna die, Arthur. Arthur.
- Oh, no, no, no.Copy !req
1197. MR. What the hell is going on here?
Stop that this instant.Copy !req
1198. Don't screw with me, Burt.Copy !req
1199. Uh... Um, ladies and gentlemen...Copy !req
1200. UM...Copy !req
1201. I'm sorry.Copy !req
1202. Uh, as you probably
have surmised by now...Copy !req
1203. there will be no wedding.Copy !req
1204. The bride has had second thoughts...Copy !req
1205. and has decided not to marry me.Copy !req
1206. Most of you know me.
Can you blame her? Heh.Copy !req
1207. I won't be seeing most of you anymore,
because I'm...Copy !req
1208. I'm going to be, uh...Copy !req
1209. poor.Copy !req
1210. I'll— I'll miss you.Copy !req
1211. And, um...Copy !req
1212. now that there's a good chance,
I should go...Copy !req
1213. to the hospital.Copy !req
1214. Okay, now, this has some iodine
on it, so it might hurt a little.Copy !req
1215. Ow, that hurts. I hate it. Stop it.Copy !req
1216. - Why'd you do that?
Because I hate an infection.Copy !req
1217. - See, if you'd have just let me get—
- Ow!Copy !req
1218. Okay.Copy !req
1219. Look, as long as we're here...Copy !req
1220. do you promise to love me...Copy !req
1221. and obey me...Copy !req
1222. and be a good boy?Copy !req
1223. I do.Copy !req
1224. And do you promise
never to put that stuff on my face again?Copy !req
1225. I do.Copy !req
1226. Oh, God.Copy !req
1227. - We're gonna be great.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1228. We're gonna be— We're gonna be like...Copy !req
1229. one of those poor couples
on the subway who hold hands.Copy !req
1230. How much is the subway?Copy !req
1231. Uh, sixty cents.
But if you spit, it's a 500-dollar fine.Copy !req
1232. - Then I won't spit.
- Good. None of the best people do.Copy !req
1233. I'll get a job.Copy !req
1234. That's what I'll do.Copy !req
1235. - I'll get a job.
Mm-hm.Copy !req
1236. I'll work.Copy !req
1237. God, this is gonna be great.Copy !req
1238. Good. Look how excited he is.
I'll come home from work.Copy !req
1239. You'll be ironing.Copy !req
1240. - We'll eat some cheap, disgusting food.
Stop!Copy !req
1241. I think we're in trouble.Copy !req
1242. That is out of the question.Copy !req
1243. There has never been such a thing
as a working-class Bach.Copy !req
1244. And there never will be.Copy !req
1245. - Step. Step.
- Arthur.Copy !req
1246. I've reached a decision.Copy !req
1247. The Bach family must endure.
And not on a subway.Copy !req
1248. Arthur, your children will be senators,
ambassadors.Copy !req
1249. Perhaps even a president.Copy !req
1250. Arthur, you have your $750 million.Copy !req
1251. All right.Copy !req
1252. - I don't know, Martha.
- You don't know?Copy !req
1253. - Money has screwed me up my whole life.
- I know.Copy !req
1254. I've always been rich,
and I've never been happy.Copy !req
1255. I've always been poor,
and I've usually been happy.Copy !req
1256. Rubbish. I've always been rich,
and I've always been happy.Copy !req
1257. Would you make me
a tuna fish sandwich?Copy !req
1258. Yes.Copy !req
1259. I'm gonna have
a tuna fish sandwich, Martha.Copy !req
1260. Step.Copy !req
1261. - Step.
Arthur.Copy !req
1262. Arthur. I demand
that you take this money.Copy !req
1263. I want a decision, and I want it now.Copy !req
1264. I can't tell you what a lousy wedding
that was, Bitterman.Copy !req
1265. - Bitterman, goodbye. Thank you.
- I'm going.Copy !req
1266. Goodbye, sir.
It was a pleasure working for you.Copy !req
1267. Chauffeurs rarely get to laugh.
Thank you.Copy !req
1268. - Goodbye, Bitterman.
- Goodbye, miss.Copy !req
1269. Arthur, I'm going.
Open that door, Rockland.Copy !req
1270. - Ever been on a yacht?
- No. Is it wonderful?Copy !req
1271. It doesn't suck.Copy !req
1272. Arthur, I shall never offer you
this money again.Copy !req
1273. I wish you luck in your poverty.Copy !req
1274. Excuse me.Copy !req
1275. What—? What happened?Copy !req
1276. - Oh, I turned her down.
- Oh.Copy !req
1277. Well, she invited us for dinner, and I said
we're having a tuna fish sandwich.Copy !req
1278. So I turned her down.Copy !req
1279. I took the money. I mean, I'm not crazy.Copy !req
1280. Bitterman,
do you wanna double your salary?Copy !req
1281. - Yes, sir.
- Then open that door.Copy !req
1282. - Right away.
- Is that funny?Copy !req
1283. Where to, sir?Copy !req
1284. The park, Bitterman.
Drive through the park.Copy !req
1285. You know how I love the park.Copy !req
1286. Get in. Step.
Step.Copy !req