1. There's an old joke. Two elderly women
are at a Catskill Mountain resort.
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2. One of 'em says, "The food
at this place is really terrible."
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3. The other one says,
"Yeah, I know. And such small portions."
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4. That's essentially
how I feel about life.
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5. Full of loneliness and misery
and suffering and unhappiness.
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6. And it's all over much too quickly.
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7. The other important joke for me is one
that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx.
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8. I think it appears originally in Freud's
Wit and its Relation to the Unconscious.
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9. It goes like this - I'm paraphrasing.
I would never wanna belong to any club...
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10. that would have
someone like me for a member.
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11. That's the key joke of my adult life
in terms of my relationships with women.
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12. Lately the strangest things
have been going through my mind.
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13. Cos I turned 40, and I guess
I'm going through a life crisis.
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14. I'm not worried about ageing.
Although I'm balding slightly on top.
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15. That's about the worst
you can say about me.
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16. I think I'm gonna get better as I get older.
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17. I think I'm gonna be
the balding virile type,
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18. as opposed to, say,
the distinguished grey, for instance.
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19. Unless I'm one of those guys with
saliva dribbling out of his mouth,
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20. who wanders into a cafeteria
with a shopping bag,
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21. screaming about socialism.
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22. Annie and I broke up.
And I still can't get my mind around that.
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23. I keep sifting the pieces of
the relationship through my mind,
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24. examining my life, and trying to
figure out - where did the screw up come?
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25. A year ago we were... in love, you know.
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26. And... It's funny... I'm not a morose type.
I'm not a depressive character.
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27. I... I, uh... You know...
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28. I was a reasonably happy kid, I guess.
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29. I was brought up in Brooklyn
during World War Il.
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30. He's been depressed.
All of a sudden he can't do anything.
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31. - Why are you depressed, Alvy?
- Tell Dr Flicker.
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32. It's something he read.
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33. Something he read, uh?
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34. - The universe is expanding.
- The universe is expanding?
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35. The universe is everything. If it's
expanding, someday it will break apart...
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36. .. and that will be the end of everything.
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37. What is that your business?
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38. He stopped doing his homework.
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39. - What's the point?
- What has the universe got to do with it?
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40. You're here in Brooklyn!
Brooklyn is not expanding!
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41. It won't be expanding
for billions of years yet, Alvy.
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42. And we've gotta try and enjoy ourselves
while we're here, uh?
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43. Uh? Uh?
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44. My analyst says I exaggerate
my childhood memories.
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45. But I was brought up
under the roller coaster...
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46. ..in the Coney Island section of Brooklyn.
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47. Maybe that accounts for my personality,
which is a little nervous.
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48. I have a hyperactive imagination.
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49. My mind tends to jump around a little.
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50. I have some trouble
between fantasy and reality.
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51. My father ran the bumper car concession.
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52. There he is.
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53. And there I am.
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54. I used to get my aggression out
through those cars all the time.
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55. I remember the staff at our public school.
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56. We had a saying:
"Those who can't do, teach,
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57. .. and those who can't teach, teach gym."
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58. And those who couldn't do anything,
I think, were assigned to our school.
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59. I always thought
my schoolmates were idiots.
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60. Melvyn Greenglass. His fat little face.
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61. And Henrietta Farrell.
Just Miss Perfect all the time.
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62. And Ivan ACkerman.
Always the wrong answer. Always.
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63. Seven and three is nine.
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64. Even then, I knew they were just jerks.
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65. In 1942 I had already discovered women.
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66. Ugh! He kissed me!
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67. He kissed me! Ugh!
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68. That's the second time this month!
Step up here! Step up here!
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69. - What did I do?
- You should be ashamed of yourself.
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70. Why? I was just expressing
a healthy sexual curiosity.
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71. Six-year-old boys
don't have girls on their minds.
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72. I did.
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73. For God's sakes, Alvy!
Even Freud speaks of a latency period.
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74. Well, I never had a latency period.
I can't help it.
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75. Why couldn't you have been more like
Donald? Now there was a model boy.
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76. Tell the folks where you are today.
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77. I run a profitable dress company.
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78. Sometimes I wonder
where my classmates are today.
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79. I'm president of
the Pinkus Plumbing Company.
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80. I sell tallises.
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81. I used to be a heroin addict.
Now I'm a methadone addict.
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82. I'm into leather.
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83. I lost track of most of my schoolmates,
but I wound up a comedian.
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84. They did not take me in the army.
I was... Interestingly enough... I was 4-P.
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85. In the event of war, I'm a hostage.
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86. You always only saw the worst in people.
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87. You never could get along
with anyone in school.
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88. You were always out of step
with the world.
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89. Even when you got famous,
you still distrusted the world.
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90. I distinctly heard it.
He muttered under his breath, "Jew."
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91. You're crazy.
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92. We were walking off
the tennis court. Him and me and his wife.
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93. He looked at her and they both looked at
me. And under his breath he said, "Jew."
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94. Alvy, you're a total paranoid.
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95. I pick up on those kinda things.
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96. I was having lunch with some guys from
NBC. So I said, "Did you eat yet or what?"
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97. And Tom Christie said, "No. D'you?"
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98. Not "Did you". "D'you eat?"D'you?"
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99. Not "Did you eat?" but "D'you eat?"
"Jew?" You get it? "Jew eat?"
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100. - Max...
- Stop calling me Max.
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101. Why, Max? It's a good name for you.
Max, you see conspiracies in everything.
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102. I was in a record store. There's
this big, tall, blond, crew-cutted guy,
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103. .. looking at me in a funny way and saying,
"We have a sale this week on Wagner."
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104. Wagner, Max. Wagner. I know what he's
really trying to tell me, very significantly.
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105. Right, Max.
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106. California, Max.
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107. - Get the hell out of this crazy city.
- Forget it.
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108. We move to sunny LA.
All of show business is there.
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109. No. I don't wanna live in a city
where the only cultural advantage...
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110. is that you can make
a right turn on a red light.
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111. Forget it.
Aren't you late for meeting Annie?
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112. I'm meeting her at the Beekman.
I have a few minutes.
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113. Are you on television?
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114. No.
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115. Yeah. Once in a while. Occasionally.
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116. - What's your name?
- You wouldn't know it. It doesn't matter.
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117. You were on the... uh...
The Johnny Carson, right?
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118. Once in a while, you know.
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119. What's your name?
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120. I'm... I'm Robert Redford.
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121. Come on!
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122. Alvy Singer. It was nice...
Thanks very much for everything.
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123. Hey!
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124. What?
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125. This is Alvy Singer!
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126. Fellas, you know...
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127. This guy's on television.
Alvy Singer? Am I right?
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128. - Give me a break.
- This guy's on television.
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129. I need a large polo mallet.
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130. - Who's on television?
- On The Johnny Carson Show.
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131. Is this a meeting of the Teamsters?
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132. - What programme?
- Can I have your autograph?
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133. - You don't want my autograph.
- No, I do. It's for my girlfriend.
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134. Make it out to Ralph.
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135. - Your girlfriend's name is Ralph?
- It's for my brudder.
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136. - Alvy Singer!
- You're really Alvy Singer, the TV star?
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137. Alvy Singer over here!
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138. It's all right, fellas.
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139. Jesus! What did you do?
Come by way of the Panama Canal?
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140. - I'm in a bad mood.
- I'm here with the cast of The Godfather.
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141. - You have to learn to deal with it.
- I'm dealing with guys named Cheech!
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142. Please. I have a headache, all right?
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143. You are in a bad mood.
You must be getting your period.
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144. Every time anything out of the ordinary
happens, you think I'm getting my period!
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145. A little louder. I think
one of them may have missed it.
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146. - Has the picture started?
- It started two minutes ago.
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147. That's it. Forget it. I can't go in.
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148. - Two minutes, Alvy.
- I can't do it. We've blown it already.
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149. I can't go in in the middle.
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150. We'll only miss the titles.
They're in Swedish.
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151. - You wanna get coffee for two hours?
- Two hours? No. I'm going in.
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152. - Go ahead. Goodbye.
- While we're talking, we could be inside.
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153. Can we not stand here and argue
in front of everybody? I get embarrassed.
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154. All right. So what do you wanna do?
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155. I don't know now.
You wanna go to another movie?
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156. Let's go see The Sorrow and the Pity.
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157. Come on. I'm not in the mood to see
a four-hour documentary on Nazis.
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158. Well, I'm sorry. I've gotta see a picture
exactly from the start to the finish.
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159. Cos... Cos I'm anal.
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160. That's a polite word for what you are.
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161. We saw the Fellini film last Tuesday.
It is not one of his best.
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162. It lacks a cohesive structure.
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163. You get the feeling that he's not
absolutely sure what it is he wants to say.
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164. I've always felt he was essentially
a technical filmmaker.
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165. Granted, La Strada was a great film.
Great in its use of negative imagery.
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166. I can't stand this guy.
I'm gonna have a stroke.
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167. Well, stop listening to him.
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168. He's screaming his opinions in my ear.
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169. Like all that Juliet of the Spirits
or Satyricon.
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170. I found it incredibly... indulgent.
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171. He really is. He's one of
the most indulgent filmmakers.
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172. The key word here is indulgent.
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173. Without getting...
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174. - What are you depressed about?
- I missed my therapy. I overslept.
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175. - How can you possibly oversleep?
- The alarm clock.
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176. Do you know
what a hostile gesture that is to me?
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177. I know.
Because of our sexual problem, right?
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178. Everybody at The New Yorker
has to know our rate of intercourse?
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179. It's like Samuel Beckett.
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180. I admire the technique,
but it doesn't hit me on a gut level.
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181. - I'd like to hit this guy on a gut level.
- Stop it, Alvy!
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182. He's spitting on my neck.
He's spitting on my neck when he talks.
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183. You know, you're so egocentric
that if I miss my therapy,
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184. ..you can only think of it
in terms of how it affects you.
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185. Weltanschauung is what it is.
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186. Probably on their first date.
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187. Probably met by answering an ad
in the New York Review of Books.
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188. "Thirtyish academic
wishes to meet woman...
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189. .. who's interested in Mozart,
James Joyce and sodomy."
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190. Our sexual problem? I'm comparatively
normal for a guy raised in Brooklyn.
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191. OK. I'm very sorry. My sexual problem.
OK? My sexual problem. Huh?
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192. I never read that. That was a Henry James
novel? Sequel of The Turn of the Screw?
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193. It's the influence of television.
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194. Now, Marshall McLuhan deals with it
in terms of it being a high...
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195. .. high intensity.
You understand? A hot medium...
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196. What I wouldn't give for a large sock
with horse manure in it.
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197. What do you do when you get stuck in
a movie line with a guy like this behind?
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198. Why can't I give my opinion?
It's a free country.
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199. Do you have to give it so loud? Aren't
you ashamed to pontificate like that?
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200. The funny part is, you don't know
anything about Marshall McLuhan.
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201. Really? I happen to teach a class
at Columbia called TV, Media and Culture.
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202. So I think my insights into Mr McLuhan
have a great deal of validity.
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203. Oh, do you? That's funny, because
I happen to have Mr McLuhan right here.
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204. Just let me... Come over here a second.
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205. I heard what you were saying.
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206. You know nothing of my work.
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207. You mean my whole fallacy is wrong.
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208. How you ever got to teach a course
in anything is totally amazing.
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209. Boy, if life were only like this!
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210. June 14th, 1940.
The German army occupies Paris.
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211. All over the country, people are desperate
for every available scrap of news.
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212. Those guys in the French
Resistance were really brave.
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213. To have to listen to
Maurice Chevalier sing so much.
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214. Sometimes I ask myself
how I'd stand up under torture.
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215. The Gestapo would take away
your Bloomingdale's charge card...
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216. .. and you'd tell 'em everything.
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217. That movie makes me feel guilty.
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218. Yeah, cos it's supposed to.
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219. Alvy...
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220. What? What... What's the matter?
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221. I don't... I don't know.
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222. It's not natural. We're sleeping in a bed
together. You know, it's been a long time.
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223. Well, it's just that I gotta sing tomorrow
night, so I have to rest my voice.
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224. There's always an excuse.
You used to think I was very sexy.
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225. When we first started going out,
we had sex constantly.
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226. We're probably
in the Guinness Book of World Records.
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227. Alvy, it'll pass.
I'm going through a phase. That's all.
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228. You've been married before.
You know how things can get.
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229. You were very hot for Allison at first.
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230. You're on right after Chris Brown,
which looks about 20 minutes.
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231. Excuse me. When do I go on?
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232. Who are you?
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233. Alvy Singer.
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234. I'm a comedian.
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235. Oh, comedian. Yeah.
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236. Oh. You're on next.
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237. What do you mean, next? I'm...
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238. You're on right after this act.
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239. No, it can't be. Because he's a comic.
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240. Yes.
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241. - You're putting on two comics in a row?
- Why not?
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242. No, I'm sorry. I don't wanna go on
after another comedian.
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243. It's OK.
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244. No. Because they're laughing.
So I'd... rather not.
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245. Will you relax? They're gonna love you.
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246. I'd prefer not to. Look.
They're laughing at him.
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247. They're gonna laugh at him
then I gotta go out.
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248. I gotta get laughs too.
How much can they laugh?
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249. - They're laughed out.
- Do you feel all right?
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250. Jesus!
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251. What's your name?
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252. Allison.
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253. Yeah?
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254. Allison what?
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255. Portchnik.
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256. Portchnik?
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257. - That's nice.
- Thank you.
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258. Allison Portchnik!
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259. So, what are you telling me? You work
for Stevenson all the time or what?
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260. No, no, no.
I'm in the midst of doing my thesis.
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261. On what?
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262. Political Commitment
in 20th-Century Literature.
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263. You're like... New York, Jewish,
left-wing, liberal, intellectual,
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264. .. Central Park West, Brandeis University,
socialist summer camps?
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265. The father with the Ben Shahn drawings?
The really strike-oriented...
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266. Stop me before I make
a complete imbecile of myself.
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267. No. That was wonderful. I love
being reduced to a cultural stereotype.
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268. Right. I'm a bigot. But for the Left.
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269. I have to go out there.
Say something encouraging. Quickly.
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270. I think you're cute.
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271. - Do you?
- Mm-hm.
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272. Go ahead.
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273. I don't know why they would have me
at this kind of rally cos...
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274. ..I'm not essentially
a political comedian at all.
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275. I interestingly had, um... dated a woman...
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276. ..in the Eisenhower administration briefly.
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277. And it was ironic to me cos, um...
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278. Cos I was trying to do to her...
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279. .. what Eisenhower has been doing
to the country for the last eight years.
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280. I'm sorry. I can't go through with this.
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281. I can't get it off my mind, Allison.
It's obsessing me.
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282. I'm getting tired of it.
I need your attention.
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283. But it doesn't make any sense.
He drove past the book depository...
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284. .. and the police said conclusively
that it was an exit wound.
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285. So how is it possible for Oswald
to have fired from two angles at once?
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286. - It doesn't make sense!
- Alvy...
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287. I'll tell you this.
He was not marksman enough...
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288. ..to hit a moving target at that range.
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289. But...
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290. .. if there was a second assassin...
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291. - That's it!
- We've been through this.
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292. They recovered the shells from that rifle.
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293. OK. What are you saying now?
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294. Everybody on the Warren Commission
is in on this conspiracy, right?
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295. Well, why not?
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296. Yeah. Earl Warren?
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297. Hey, honey. I don't know Earl Warren.
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298. Lyndon Johnson?
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299. Lyndon Johnson is a politician!
You know the ethics those guys have.
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300. It's like a notch
underneath child molester.
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301. Then everybody's in on the conspiracy.
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302. The FBI and the CIA
and J Edgar Hoover and oil companies...
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303. .. and the Pentagon and the men's room
attendant at the White House.
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304. I would leave out
the men's room attendant.
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305. You're using this conspiracy theory
as an excuse to avoid sex with me.
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306. Oh, my God!
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307. She's right.
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308. Why did I turn off Allison Portchnik?
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309. She was beautiful, she was willing,
she was real intelligent.
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310. Is it the old Groucho Marx joke that
I just don't wanna belong to any club...
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311. .. that would have
someone like me for a member?
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312. Alvy, don't panic! Please stop it!
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313. It's a mistake to ever bring
a live thing in the house.
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314. Stop it! Go for that one there.
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315. Maybe we should call the police.
Dial 911. It's the lobster squad.
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316. They're only baby ones, for God's sakes.
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317. - If they're only babies, you pick 'em up.
- All right! All right!
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318. - Here you go!
- Don't give it to me! Don't!
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319. Look! One crawled
behind the refrigerator.
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320. It'll turn up in our bed at night.
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321. Will you get out of here
with that thing? Jesus!
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322. Talk to 'em. You speak shellfish.
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323. Hey, look. Put it in the pot.
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324. I can't put it in the pot!
I can't put a live thing in hot water!
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325. You think we're gonna
take him to the movies?
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326. Oh, good, Alvy. Oh, thank you.
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327. OK. It's in. It's definitely in the pot.
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328. Annie, there's a big lobster
behind the refrigerator.
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329. I can't get it out. This thing's heavy.
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330. Maybe if I put a dish of butter sauce here
with a nutcracker, it'll run out.
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331. I'm gonna get my camera.
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332. I think if I could pry the door off...
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333. We should have gotten steaks.
They don't run around.
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334. Goddamn it! Oh, jeez!
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335. Pick this lobster up. Hold it, please.
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336. You're gonna take pictures now?
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337. Alvy, it'll be wonderful. Oh, lovely!
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338. Oh, God! That's disgusting!
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339. One more, Alvy. Please!
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340. Oh, good! Good!
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341. Here's what I want to know.
Am I your first big romance?
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342. Oh, no. No, no. Uh-uh.
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343. Really? Who was?
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344. There was Dennis
from Chippewa Falls High School.
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345. Dennis? Local kid? Would
meet you in front of the movie house?
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346. You should have seen
how I looked then.
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347. Oh, I can imagine.
The wife of an astronaut.
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348. Then there was Jerry, the actor.
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349. Look at you. You're such a clown.
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350. I look pretty.
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351. You always look pretty. But that guy...
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352. Acting is like an exploration of the soul.
It's very religious.
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353. Like a kind of liberating consciousness.
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354. It's like a visual poem.
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355. Is he kidding with that crap?
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356. Oh, right.
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357. I think I know exactly what you mean
when you say "religious".
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358. You do?
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359. - Oh, come on. I was younger.
- Hey, that was last year.
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360. It's like when I think of dying.
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361. - You know how I'd like to die?
- No. How?
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362. I'd like to get torn apart by wild animals.
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363. Heavy! Eaten by some squirrels!
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364. Listen, he was a terrific actor.
He's neat-looking and he was emotional...
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365. I don't think you like emotion too much.
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366. Touch my heart... with your foot.
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367. I may throw up.
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368. He was creepy.
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369. I think you're pretty lucky
I came along.
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370. Oh, really? Well, la-de-da.
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371. If anyone had ever told me
I would be taking out a girl...
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372. .. who used expressions like la-de-da...
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373. You really like
those New York girls.
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374. - Well, not just. Not only.
- I'd say so. You married two of them.
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375. There's Henry Drucker.
He has a chair in history at Princeton.
Copy !req
376. The short man is Hershel Kaminsky.
He has a chair in philosophy at Cornell.
Copy !req
377. Two more chairs,
they got a dining room set.
Copy !req
378. - Why are you so hostile?
- Cos I wanna watch the Knicks on TV.
Copy !req
379. Is that Paul Goodman? No.
Copy !req
380. Be nice to the host,
because he's publishing my book.
Copy !req
381. Hi, Doug!
Copy !req
382. Douglas Wyatt. The Foul
Rag and Bone Shop of the Heart.
Copy !req
383. I'm so tired of making fake insights
with people who work for Dysentery.
Copy !req
384. Commentary.
Copy !req
385. Really? I heard Commentary and Dissent
had merged and formed Dysentery.
Copy !req
386. No jokes. These are friends, OK?
Copy !req
387. Here you are.
Copy !req
388. There's people out there.
Copy !req
389. Two minutes ago the Knicks are ahead 14
points, and now they're ahead two points.
Copy !req
390. Alvy...
Copy !req
391. What is so fascinating
about a group of pituitary cases...
Copy !req
392. .. trying to stuff a ball through a hoop?
Copy !req
393. What is fascinating is that it's physical.
Copy !req
394. Intellectuals prove
you can be absolutely brilliant...
Copy !req
395. .. and have no idea what's going on.
Copy !req
396. But, on the other hand,
the body doesn't lie,
Copy !req
397. ..as we now know.
Copy !req
398. Stop acting out.
Copy !req
399. It'll be great. All those PhDs are in there
discussing modes of alienation,
Copy !req
400. .. and we'll be in here quietly humping.
Copy !req
401. Alvy, don't.
You're using sex to express hostility.
Copy !req
402. Why do you always reduce my animal
urges to psychoanalytic categories?
Copy !req
403. He said, as he removed her brassiere.
Copy !req
404. Alvy! There are people out there
from The New Yorker magazine!
Copy !req
405. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
406. What would they think?
Copy !req
407. Damn siren!
Copy !req
408. OK. Don't get upset.
Copy !req
409. Dammit! I was so close!
Copy !req
410. Last night it was a guy honking
his car horn. The city can't close down.
Copy !req
411. You wanna have them
shut down the airport too?
Copy !req
412. No more flights so we can have sex?
Copy !req
413. I'm too tense. I need a Valium.
Copy !req
414. My analyst says I should live
in the country and not in New York.
Copy !req
415. We can't have this discussion.
The country makes me nervous.
Copy !req
416. You've got crickets.
There's no place to walk after dinner.
Copy !req
417. The screens
with the dead moths behind 'em.
Copy !req
418. You got the Manson family, possibly.
You got Dick and Terry.
Copy !req
419. OK! OK! My analyst just thinks I'm
too tense. Where's the goddamn Valium?
Copy !req
420. It's quiet now. We can start again.
Copy !req
421. I can't. My head is throbbing.
Copy !req
422. - You got a headache?
- I have a headache.
Copy !req
423. Bad?
Copy !req
424. - Like Oswald in Ghosts.
- Jesus!
Copy !req
425. Where are you going?
Copy !req
426. I'm going to take another
in a series of cold showers.
Copy !req
427. Max, my serve will send you
to the showers early.
Copy !req
428. The failure of the country to get behind
New York City is anti-Semitism.
Copy !req
429. Max, the city is terribly run.
Copy !req
430. I'm not discussing politics or economics.
This is foreskin.
Copy !req
431. Every time some group disagrees
with you, it's because of anti-Semitism.
Copy !req
432. The rest of the country sees New York...
Copy !req
433. ..as left-wing, Communist, Jewish,
homosexual pornographers.
Copy !req
434. I think of us that way sometimes,
and I live here.
Copy !req
435. Max, if we lived in California, we could
play outdoors every day in the sun.
Copy !req
436. Sun is bad for you. Everything
our parents said was good is bad.
Copy !req
437. Sun, milk, red meat, college.
Copy !req
438. I know, but I...
Copy !req
439. Egad. Here he comes.
Copy !req
440. OK.
Copy !req
441. Hi!
Copy !req
442. You know Alvy? This is Janet.
Copy !req
443. This is Annie Hall.
Copy !req
444. This is Alvy.
Copy !req
445. Who's playing with who?
Copy !req
446. You and me against them?
Copy !req
447. - I can't play too good, you know?
- I've had four lessons.
Copy !req
448. Oh! Yeah!
Copy !req
449. Hi!
Copy !req
450. Hi. Hi.
Copy !req
451. Oh, hi. Hi.
Copy !req
452. Well...
Copy !req
453. Bye.
Copy !req
454. You play very well.
Copy !req
455. Oh, yeah? So do you.
Copy !req
456. Oh, God. What a dumb thing to say, right?
Copy !req
457. You say, "You play well" and then
right away I have to say, "You play well."
Copy !req
458. Oh!
Copy !req
459. God, Annie. Well...
Copy !req
460. Oh, well.
Copy !req
461. La-de-da. La-de-da.
Copy !req
462. La-la. Yeah.
Copy !req
463. You want a lift?
Copy !req
464. Oh, why?
Copy !req
465. You got a car?
Copy !req
466. Me? No. I was gonna take a cab.
Copy !req
467. Oh, no. I have a car.
Copy !req
468. You have a car?
Copy !req
469. I don't understand.
If you have a car, so then...
Copy !req
470. .. why did you say, "Do you have a car?"
like you wanted a lift?
Copy !req
471. I don't... I don't...
Copy !req
472. Jeez, I don't know. I wasn't...
Copy !req
473. It's... I've got this VW out there.
Copy !req
474. What a jerk! Yeah.
Copy !req
475. Would you like a lift?
Copy !req
476. Sure. Which way are you going?
Copy !req
477. Me? Downtown.
Copy !req
478. I'm going uptown.
Copy !req
479. Well, you know, I'm going uptown too.
Copy !req
480. You just said you were going downtown.
Copy !req
481. Sorry.
Copy !req
482. I can go uptown too.
I live uptown, but what the hell!
Copy !req
483. It'll be nice having company.
I hate driving alone.
Copy !req
484. So where do you know Janet from?
Copy !req
485. - I'm in her acting class.
- You're an actress?
Copy !req
486. Well, I do commercials, sort of.
Copy !req
487. - You're not from New York, right?
- Chippewa Falls.
Copy !req
488. - Where?
- Wisconsin.
Copy !req
489. You're driving a tad rapidly.
Copy !req
490. Don't worry.
I'm a very good driver. I'm good.
Copy !req
491. - You want some gum anyway?
- No. No, thanks.
Copy !req
492. Hey, don't... No, no.
Would you watch the road? I'll get it!
Copy !req
493. - I'll get you a piece.
- So, you drive?
Copy !req
494. Do I drive? No.
I've got a problem with driving.
Copy !req
495. Oh, you do?
Copy !req
496. I've got a licence,
but I have too much hostility.
Copy !req
497. Nice car. You keep it nice.
Copy !req
498. Can I ask you? Is this a sandwich?
Copy !req
499. Huh? Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
500. I live over here. Oh, my God! Look!
There's a parking space.
Copy !req
501. That's OK.
We can walk to the kerb from here.
Copy !req
502. - You want your tennis stuff?
- Huh? Oh. Yeah.
Copy !req
503. That's good. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Copy !req
504. Well...
Copy !req
505. Thank you.
Copy !req
506. You're a wonderful tennis player and...
Copy !req
507. ..you're the worst driver
I've ever seen in my life.
Copy !req
508. Anyplace. Europe.
The United... Anyplace. Asia.
Copy !req
509. - And I love what you're wearing.
- Oh, you do, yeah?
Copy !req
510. Oh, well, it's a...
This tie is a present from Grammy Hall.
Copy !req
511. Who? Grammy... Grammy Hall?
Copy !req
512. Yeah, my grammy.
Copy !req
513. Did you grow up
in a Norman Rockwell painting?
Copy !req
514. - Your grammy?
- I know. It's pretty silly, isn't it?
Copy !req
515. My grammy never gave gifts. She was
too busy getting raped by Cossacks.
Copy !req
516. Well...
Copy !req
517. - Thank you again.
- Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
518. Hey, you wanna come upstairs
and have a glass of wine or something?
Copy !req
519. I mean, you don't have to.
You're probably late.
Copy !req
520. No, no. That'd be fine.
I wouldn't mind. Sure.
Copy !req
521. I've got time. I've got nothing...
till my analyst appointment.
Copy !req
522. Oh, you see an analyst?
Copy !req
523. - Yeah. Just for 15 years.
- 15 years?
Copy !req
524. I'm gonna give him one more year
and then I'm going to Lourdes.
Copy !req
525. 15... Nah! Come on!
Copy !req
526. Yeah? Really?
Copy !req
527. Sylvia Plath? Interesting poetess
whose tragic suicide...
Copy !req
528. was misinterpreted as romantic
by the college-girl mentality.
Copy !req
529. Oh, sorry.
Copy !req
530. I don't know.
Some of her poems seem neat.
Copy !req
531. Neat? I hate to tell you, this is 1975.
Copy !req
532. "Neat" went out, I would say,
at the turn of the century.
Copy !req
533. Who are those photos on the wall?
Copy !req
534. Oh! Well, you see now, uh...
That's my dad.
Copy !req
535. That's Father.
And that's my brother Duane.
Copy !req
536. - Duane?
- Yeah, right. Duane.
Copy !req
537. And over there is Grammy Hall.
And that's Sadie.
Copy !req
538. - Who's Sadie?
- Oh, well, Sadie... Ha, ha.
Copy !req
539. Sadie met Grammy
through Grammy's brother George.
Copy !req
540. George was real sweet.
He had that thing...
Copy !req
541. What is that thing where you fall asleep
in the middle of a sentence? What is it?
Copy !req
542. - Narcolepsy.
- Narcolepsy! Right!
Copy !req
543. So anyway, um... George went to
the union, you see, to get his free turkey.
Copy !req
544. The union always gave George
this free turkey at Christmas time...
Copy !req
545. because he was shell-shocked
in the First World War.
Copy !req
546. Anyway, so George is standing in line -
oh, just a sec - getting his free turkey.
Copy !req
547. But the thing is, is that he falls asleep...
Copy !req
548. and he never wakes up!
Copy !req
549. So... so he's dead!
Copy !req
550. He's dead. Yeah.
Copy !req
551. Oh, dear.
Copy !req
552. Well... Terrible, huh? Wouldn't you say?
I mean, that's pretty awful.
Copy !req
553. It's a great story, though.
It really made my day.
Copy !req
554. I think I should get outta here
cos I think I'm imposing.
Copy !req
555. Really? Well, maybe, um...
Copy !req
556. You know, I...
Copy !req
557. - You don't have to, you know.
- I'm all perspired and everything.
Copy !req
558. Didn't you take a shower at the club?
Copy !req
559. Me? No. Cos I never shower
in a public place.
Copy !req
560. Why not?
Copy !req
561. Cos I don't like to get naked
in front of another man.
Copy !req
562. Oh, I see. I see.
Copy !req
563. I don't like to show my body
to a man of my gender.
Copy !req
564. You never know what's gonna happen.
Copy !req
565. - 15 years, huh?
- 15 years, yeah. That's...
Copy !req
566. God bless.
Copy !req
567. Well... well...
Copy !req
568. You're what Grammy Hall
would call "a real Jew".
Copy !req
569. Thank you.
Copy !req
570. Yeah, well, she hates Jews.
She thinks that they just make money.
Copy !req
571. But she's the one.
Is she ever! I'm tellin' you.
Copy !req
572. So did you do those photographs
in there or what?
Copy !req
573. Yeah. I sort of dabble around,
you know. I dabble?
Copy !req
574. They're wonderful, you know.
They have a... a quality.
Copy !req
575. Well, I would like to take
a serious photography course.
Copy !req
576. Photography's interesting
cos it's a new art form...
Copy !req
577. and a set of aesthetic criteria
have not emerged yet.
Copy !req
578. Aesthetic criteria?
Copy !req
579. You mean whether it's
a good photo or not?
Copy !req
580. The medium enters in as a
condition of the art form itself.
Copy !req
581. Well... to me... I mean,
it's... it's... it's all instinctive.
Copy !req
582. I just try to feel it.
Copy !req
583. I try to get a sense of it
and not think about it so much.
Copy !req
584. Still, you need a set of aesthetic
guidelines to put it in social perspective.
Copy !req
585. Well, I don't know.
Copy !req
586. I guess you must be sort of late, huh?
Copy !req
587. You know, I gotta get there
and begin whining soon. Otherwise I...
Copy !req
588. - Hey, are you busy Friday night?
- Me?
Copy !req
589. Oh, uh, no.
Copy !req
590. Oh, I'm sorry! I have something.
Copy !req
591. What about Saturday night?
Copy !req
592. Nothing. No, no.
Copy !req
593. You're very popular, I can see.
Copy !req
594. - I know.
- Do you have plague?
Copy !req
595. Well, I mean, I meet a lot of jerks.
Copy !req
596. I meet a lot of jerks too.
I think that's a...
Copy !req
597. But I'm thinking about getting some cats.
Copy !req
598. Oh, wait a second. Oh, no, no!
Copy !req
599. Oh, shoot! No. Saturday night I'm gonna...
Copy !req
600. I'm gonna sing. Yeah.
Copy !req
601. You're gonna sing?
Do you sing? No kidding?
Copy !req
602. - This is my first time.
- Really? Where? I'd like to come.
Copy !req
603. - Oh, no. No, no, no, no!
- I'm interested.
Copy !req
604. I'm just... I'm auditioning
at this club. I don't...
Copy !req
605. - It's my first time.
- It's OK. I know exactly what that's like.
Copy !req
606. You're gonna like nightclubs.
They're really a lot of fun.
Copy !req
607. I was awful! I'm so ashamed! I can't sing!
Copy !req
608. So the audience was a tad restless.
Copy !req
609. What do you mean, a tad restless?
They hated me!
Copy !req
610. They didn't! You have a wonderful voice!
Copy !req
611. - I'm gonna quit.
- I won't let you. You have a great voice.
Copy !req
612. - Really? Do you think so? Really?
- Yeah. It's terrific.
Copy !req
613. I never even took a lesson, either.
Copy !req
614. Hey, listen. Give me a kiss.
Copy !req
615. - Really?
- Because we're just gonna go home later.
Copy !req
616. There's gonna be all that tension and I
won't know when to make the right move.
Copy !req
617. So we'll kiss now,
we'll get it over with and then go eat.
Copy !req
618. - We'll digest our food better.
- OK.
Copy !req
619. OK? So now we can digest our food.
Copy !req
620. I'm gonna have the corned beef, please.
Copy !req
621. Oh. I'm gonna have pastrami
on white bread...
Copy !req
622. .. with mayonnaise
and tomatoes and lettuce.
Copy !req
623. So, um... your second wife left you.
And were you depressed about that?
Copy !req
624. Nothing that a few megavitamins
couldn't cure.
Copy !req
625. And your first wife? Allison?
Copy !req
626. She was nice, but... That was my fault.
I was just... I was too crazy.
Copy !req
627. Mm... Mm...
Copy !req
628. That was so nice.
Copy !req
629. That was nice.
Copy !req
630. As Balzac said,
"There goes another novel."
Copy !req
631. - You were great.
- Oh.
Copy !req
632. Yeah? Yeah?
Copy !req
633. Yeah. I'm wrecked.
Copy !req
634. - You're wrecked!
- I mean it.
Copy !req
635. I will never play the piano again.
Copy !req
636. It was... I don't know.
You really thought it was good?
Copy !req
637. Good? Yes.
Copy !req
638. That was the most fun I've ever had
without laughing.
Copy !req
639. Here. You want some?
Copy !req
640. No. I... I don't... use
any major hallucinogenics because I...
Copy !req
641. .. took a puff
about five years ago at a party and...
Copy !req
642. Yeah?
Copy !req
643. Tried to take my pants off over my head.
Copy !req
644. Got in one ear.
Copy !req
645. Well, I don't really...
I don't do it very often.
Copy !req
646. It just sort of relaxes me.
Copy !req
647. - You're not gonna believe this, but...
- What? What?
Copy !req
648. I'm gonna buy you these books
because I think you should read them.
Copy !req
649. - Instead of that cat book.
- That's pretty serious stuff there.
Copy !req
650. Yeah. Cos I'm obsessed with death,
I think. Big subject with me.
Copy !req
651. I have a very pessimistic view of life.
Copy !req
652. You should know this
if we're gonna go out.
Copy !req
653. I feel that life is divided up
into the horrible and the miserable.
Copy !req
654. Those are the two categories.
The horrible would be like terminal cases.
Copy !req
655. And blind people. And cripples.
I don't know how they get through life.
Copy !req
656. And the miserable is everyone else.
Copy !req
657. So you should be thankful
that you're miserable.
Copy !req
658. You're very lucky to be miserable.
Copy !req
659. Look at that guy.
Copy !req
660. In the pink. Mr Miami Beach there.
Copy !req
661. He's just come back
from the gin rummy finals.
Copy !req
662. Placed third.
Copy !req
663. Look at these guys. They're back from
Fire Island. They're giving it a chance.
Copy !req
664. - Italian, right?
- Him? Yeah, he's the Mafia.
Copy !req
665. Linen supply business
or cement and contracting, I think.
Copy !req
666. "Oh, gee!
Must have my moustache waxed."
Copy !req
667. There's the winner
of the Truman Capote lookalike contest.
Copy !req
668. You are extremely sexy.
Unbelievably sexy.
Copy !req
669. - No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
Copy !req
670. You know what you are?
You're polymorphously perverse.
Copy !req
671. What does that mean?
I don't know what that is.
Copy !req
672. You're exceptional in bed
because you get pleasure...
Copy !req
673. ..in every part of your body when
I touch you. Like the tip of your nose.
Copy !req
674. If I stroke your teeth or your kneecaps,
you suddenly get excited.
Copy !req
675. You know what? I like you.
Copy !req
676. I really do like you.
Copy !req
677. Do you love me? That's the key question.
Copy !req
678. I know you've only known me
a short while.
Copy !req
679. I think that's sort of...
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Copy !req
680. Do you love me?
Copy !req
681. Love is... too weak a word for...
the way I feel.
Copy !req
682. I lurve you. You know, I loave you.
Copy !req
683. I luff you. With two Fs.
Yes, I have to invent...
Copy !req
684. Of course I do. Don't you think I do?
Copy !req
685. I don't know.
Copy !req
686. You're not gonna give up
your apartment, are you?
Copy !req
687. Of course.
Copy !req
688. - But why?
- I'm moving in with you.
Copy !req
689. - But you've got a nice apartment.
- I have a tiny apartment.
Copy !req
690. - I know it's small.
- And it's got bad plumbing and bugs.
Copy !req
691. Granted. It has bad plumbing and bugs.
You say that like it's a negative thing.
Copy !req
692. You know, bugs are...
Entomology is a rapidly growing field.
Copy !req
693. - You don't want me to live with you.
- I don't want you to live with me?
Copy !req
694. - Whose idea was it?
- Mine.
Copy !req
695. It was yours, actually.
But I approved it immediately.
Copy !req
696. I guess you think
I talked you into something, huh?
Copy !req
697. No! We live together,
we sleep together, we eat together.
Copy !req
698. Jesus! You don't want it to be
like we're married, do you?
Copy !req
699. - How is it any different?
- Cos you keep your own apartment.
Copy !req
700. We don't have to go to it.
We don't have to deal with it.
Copy !req
701. It's like a free-floating life raft.
That we know that we're not married.
Copy !req
702. That little apartment
is $400 a month, Alvy.
Copy !req
703. - That place is $400 a month?
- Yes, it is.
Copy !req
704. It's got bad plumbing and bugs.
Copy !req
705. Jesus! My accountant will write it off
as a tax deduction. I'll pay for it.
Copy !req
706. - You don't think I'm smart enough.
- Hey, don't be ridiculous.
Copy !req
707. Then why are you always pushing me
to take college courses like I was dumb?
Copy !req
708. Adult education's a wonderful thing.
Copy !req
709. You meet interesting professors.
It's stimulating.
Copy !req
710. Does this sound like a good course?
Copy !req
711. "Modern American Poetry"?
Copy !req
712. Or let's see now. Maybe I should take...
Copy !req
713. .."Introduction to the Novel".
Copy !req
714. Just don't take any course
where they make you read Beowulf.
Copy !req
715. What?
Copy !req
716. Hey, what do you think? You think we
should go to that party in Southampton?
Copy !req
717. Don't be silly.
What do we need other people for?
Copy !req
718. We should just turn out the lights
and play hide the salami or something.
Copy !req
719. Well, listen,
I'm gonna get a cigarette, OK?
Copy !req
720. Grass, right? The illusion that it will make
a white woman more like Billie Holiday.
Copy !req
721. - Well, have you ever made love high?
- Me? No.
Copy !req
722. If I have grass or alcohol or anything,
I get unbearably wonderful.
Copy !req
723. I get too wonderful for words.
Copy !req
724. I don't know why you have to get high
every time we make love.
Copy !req
725. - Well, it relaxes me.
- You have to be artificially relaxed...
Copy !req
726. - .. before we can go to bed?
- What's the difference?
Copy !req
727. Take a shot of Sodium Pentothal.
You can sleep through it.
Copy !req
728. You've been seeing a psychiatrist
for 15 years.
Copy !req
729. You should smoke this.
You'd be off the couch in no time.
Copy !req
730. - Come on. You don't need that.
- What are you doing?
Copy !req
731. - No, Alvy. Please.
- You can live without it once.
Copy !req
732. Wait. I got a great idea.
Copy !req
733. Hang in there for a second.
I got a little artefact.
Copy !req
734. A little erotic artefact
that I brought up from the city...
Copy !req
735. .. which I think is gonna be perfect.
Copy !req
736. There. Create a little
old New Orleans essence.
Copy !req
737. Now we can go about our business here...
Copy !req
738. .. and even develop photographs
if we want to.
Copy !req
739. - Hey, is something wrong?
- No. Why?
Copy !req
740. I don't know. It's like you're removed.
Copy !req
741. No, I'm fine.
Copy !req
742. - Really?
- Uh-huh.
Copy !req
743. I don't know. You seem sorta distant.
Copy !req
744. Let's just do it, all right?
Copy !req
745. Is it my imagination or are you just
going through the motions?
Copy !req
746. Do you remember
where I put my drawing pad?
Copy !req
747. While you two are doing that,
I think I'm gonna do some drawing.
Copy !req
748. - That's what I call removed.
- Oh, you have my body.
Copy !req
749. Yeah, but I want the whole thing.
Copy !req
750. Well, I need grass.
Copy !req
751. Well, it ruins it for me if you have grass.
Copy !req
752. I'm a comedian. If I get a laugh
from a person who's high,
Copy !req
753. ..it doesn't count,
cos they're always laughing.
Copy !req
754. - Were you always funny?
- What is this? An interview?
Copy !req
755. We're supposed to be making love.
Copy !req
756. This guy is naturally funny.
I think he can write for you.
Copy !req
757. Yeah, yeah. Hey, kid,
he tells me you're really good.
Copy !req
758. Let me explain how I work.
Copy !req
759. I don't look like a funny guy
like some of the guys that come out.
Copy !req
760. You know you're gonna fall down.
Copy !req
761. But material's gotta be sensational for me.
I work with very... I'm kinda classy.
Copy !req
762. Let me explain. For instance,
I open with an opening song.
Copy !req
763. Musical style like -
Copy !req
764. Then I open with some jokes.
That's where I need you.
Copy !req
765. "I just got back from Canada.
They speak a lot of French up there."
Copy !req
766. "The word to remember is Jeanne d'Arc.
It means the light's out in the bathroom."
Copy !req
767. "I met a big lumberjack..."
Copy !req
768. Jesus! This guy's pathetic.
Copy !req
769. Look at him mincing around.
Copy !req
770. He thinks he's real cute.
You wanna throw up.
Copy !req
771. If only I had the nerve
to do my own jokes.
Copy !req
772. I don't know how much longer
I can keep this smile frozen on my face.
Copy !req
773. I'm in the wrong business. I know it.
Copy !req
774. "But... um... chéri...
Copy !req
775. .. what will I do with this?"
Copy !req
776. "Oh, Marie!
Sometime you make me so mad!"
Copy !req
777. They scream at that! Write me something
like that. A French number. Can you do it?
Copy !req
778. Where am I? I have to reorient myself.
Copy !req
779. This is the University of Wisconsin, right?
Cos I'm always... tense...
Copy !req
780. I have a very bad history with colleges.
I went to New York University.
Copy !req
781. And I was thrown out of NYU
in my freshman year...
Copy !req
782. .. for cheating on my metaphysics final.
Copy !req
783. I looked within the soul
of the boy sitting next to me.
Copy !req
784. My mother,
an emotionally high-strung woman,
Copy !req
785. .. locked herself in the bathroom
and took an overdose of mah-jongg tiles.
Copy !req
786. I was depressed at that time.
I was in analysis.
Copy !req
787. I was suicidal, as a matter of fact,
and would have killed myself.
Copy !req
788. But I was in analysis
with a strict Freudian.
Copy !req
789. If you kill yourself, they make you pay
for the sessions you miss.
Copy !req
790. Alvy, you were just great.
I'm not kidding. It was...
Copy !req
791. - You were so funny.
- College audiences are wonderful.
Copy !req
792. And I'm starting to get
more of the references too.
Copy !req
793. Are you? Well, the 12 o'clock show's
completely different.
Copy !req
794. I'm really looking forward to tomorrow.
You'll meet Mother and Father.
Copy !req
795. - They'll hate me immediately.
- I don't think so.
Copy !req
796. I don't think they're gonna hate you at all.
It's Easter. We'll have a nice dinner.
Copy !req
797. I think they're gonna really like you.
Copy !req
798. It's a nice ham this year, Mom.
Copy !req
799. Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
800. Grammy always does such a good job.
Copy !req
801. A great sauce!
Copy !req
802. It is. It's dynamite ham.
Copy !req
803. We went over to the swap meet.
Copy !req
804. Annie, Gram and I.
We got some nice picture frames.
Copy !req
805. We really had a good time.
Copy !req
806. Ann tells us that you've been seeing
a psychiatrist for 15 years.
Copy !req
807. Yes. I'm making excellent progress.
Copy !req
808. Pretty soon when I lie down on his couch,
I won't have to wear the lobster bib.
Copy !req
809. - Duane and I went out to the boat basin.
- We were caulking holes all day.
Copy !req
810. And Randolph Hunt was drunk. As usual.
Copy !req
811. That Randolph Hunt.
You remember Randy Hunt, Annie.
Copy !req
812. - He was in the choir with you.
- Oh, yes.
Copy !req
813. I can't believe this family.
Copy !req
814. Annie's mother is really beautiful.
Copy !req
815. And they're talking swap meets
and boat basins.
Copy !req
816. And the old lady at the end
of the table is a classic Jew-hater.
Copy !req
817. They really look American. Very healthy.
Like they never get sick or anything.
Copy !req
818. Nothing like my family.
The two are like oil and water.
Copy !req
819. Let him drop dead.
Who needs his business?
Copy !req
820. - His wife has diabetes.
- Diabetes?
Copy !req
821. Is that an excuse? Diabetes?
Copy !req
822. The man is 50 years old
and doesn't have a substantial job.
Copy !req
823. - Is that a reason to steal from his father?
- What are you talking about?
Copy !req
824. Sure! Defend him!
Copy !req
825. Pass the wurst there.
Copy !req
826. Mo Moskowitz, he had a coronary.
Copy !req
827. You don't say!
Copy !req
828. How do you plan to spend the holidays,
Mrs Singer?
Copy !req
829. - We fast.
- Fast?
Copy !req
830. No food. To atone for our sins.
Copy !req
831. What sins? I don't understand.
Copy !req
832. To tell you the truth, neither do we.
Copy !req
833. Alvy.
Copy !req
834. Hi, Duane. How's it goin'?
Copy !req
835. This is my room.
Copy !req
836. Oh, yeah? It's terrific.
Copy !req
837. Can I confess something?
Copy !req
838. I tell you this because,
as an artist, I think you'll understand.
Copy !req
839. Sometimes when I'm driving...
Copy !req
840. .. on the road at night, I see
two headlights coming toward me.
Copy !req
841. Fast. I have this sudden impulse
to turn the wheel quickly...
Copy !req
842. .. head-on into the oncoming car.
Copy !req
843. I can anticipate the explosion.
Copy !req
844. The sound of shattering glass. The...
Copy !req
845. .. flames rising out of the flowing gasoline.
Copy !req
846. Right. Well...
Copy !req
847. I have to go now, Duane, because I...
Copy !req
848. ..I'm due back on the planet Earth.
Copy !req
849. - Don't let it be so long.
- Look up Uncle Billy.
Copy !req
850. - He is adorable.
- Do you think so?
Copy !req
851. - You're taking them to the airport?
- Duane can. I haven't finished my drink.
Copy !req
852. Yes, Duane is.
Just a second. I have to get...
Copy !req
853. - You followed me.
- I didn't follow you.
Copy !req
854. You followed me!
Copy !req
855. I was walking behind staring at you.
That's not following.
Copy !req
856. - What is your definition of following?
- I was spying.
Copy !req
857. - Do you realise how paranoid you are?
- You've got your arms around a guy.
Copy !req
858. That is the worst kind of paranoid.
Copy !req
859. I didn't start out spying.
I thought I'd pick you up after school.
Copy !req
860. You wanted to keep
the relationship flexible, remember?
Copy !req
861. You're having an affair
with your professor.
Copy !req
862. That jerk that teaches that crap course -
Contemporary Crisis in Western Man?
Copy !req
863. Existential Motifs in Russian Literature!
Copy !req
864. It's all mental masturbation.
Copy !req
865. We finally get to a subject
you know about.
Copy !req
866. Don't knock masturbation.
It's sex with someone I love.
Copy !req
867. We're not having an affair. He's married.
He just happens to think I'm neat.
Copy !req
868. Neat. Are you 12 years old?
Copy !req
869. - That's a Chippewa Falls expression.
- Who cares?
Copy !req
870. Next he'll find you keen and peachy.
Then he's got his hand on your ass.
Copy !req
871. You've always had hostility
towards David.
Copy !req
872. - You call your teacher David?
- It's his name.
Copy !req
873. It's a biblical name, right?
What does he call you? Bathsheba?
Copy !req
874. Alvy. Alvy, you're the one who never
wanted to make a real commitment.
Copy !req
875. You don't think I'm smart enough.
Copy !req
876. We had that argument just last month.
Or don't you remember?
Copy !req
877. - I'm home!
- Oh, yeah? How did it go?
Copy !req
878. Oh, it was really weird,
but she's a very nice woman.
Copy !req
879. I didn't have to lie down on the couch.
She had me sitting up.
Copy !req
880. I told her about the family
and my feelings towards men...
Copy !req
881. .. and my relationship with my brother.
Copy !req
882. She mentioned penis envy.
Do you know about that?
Copy !req
883. I'm one of the few males who suffers
from that. Go on. I'm interested.
Copy !req
884. She said I was very guilty about my
impulses towards marriage and children.
Copy !req
885. Then I remembered, when I was a kid, I
accidentally saw my parents making love.
Copy !req
886. All this happened the first hour?
Copy !req
887. I've been going for 15 years.
I don't have... nothing like that.
Copy !req
888. I told her my dream and then I cried.
Copy !req
889. You cried? I have never once cried.
That's fantastic.
Copy !req
890. I whine. I sit and I whine.
Copy !req
891. In my dream, Frank Sinatra is holding this
pillow across my face and I can't breathe.
Copy !req
892. - Sinatra?
- Yeah. Strangling me.
Copy !req
893. Sure. Because he's a singer
and you're a singer.
Copy !req
894. It's perfect.
So you're trying to suffocate yourself.
Copy !req
895. It's a perfect analytic kind of insight.
Copy !req
896. She said your name was Alvy Singer.
Copy !req
897. - What do you mean? Me?
- Yeah, you.
Copy !req
898. Because in the dream
I break Sinatra's glasses.
Copy !req
899. You never said Sinatra had glasses. What
are you saying? That I'm suffocating you?
Copy !req
900. God, Alvy. I did this
really terrible thing to him.
Copy !req
901. Because then, when he sang,
it was in this real high-pitched voice.
Copy !req
902. What did the doctor say?
Copy !req
903. I should probably come five times a week.
Copy !req
904. I don't think I mind analysis at all. The
only question is, will it change my wife?
Copy !req
905. - Will it change your wife?
- My life.
Copy !req
906. - You said, "Will it change my wife?"
- I said, "Will it change my life?"
Copy !req
907. - You said wife.
- Life! I said life.
Copy !req
908. She said, "Will it change my wife?"
You heard that, so I'm not crazy.
Copy !req
909. I told her I didn't think
you'd ever take me seriously,
Copy !req
910. .. because you don't think
I'm smart enough.
Copy !req
911. Why do you always bring that up?
Copy !req
912. Because I encourage you
to take adult education courses?
Copy !req
913. You meet wonderful,
interesting professors.
Copy !req
914. Adult education is such junk.
The professors are so phoney.
Copy !req
915. I don't care what you say about David.
He's a fine teacher.
Copy !req
916. And why are you following me around?
Copy !req
917. - I was following you and David.
- Let's call it quits.
Copy !req
918. That's fine. That's great.
I don't know what I did wrong.
Copy !req
919. She cooled off to me.
Is it something that I did?
Copy !req
920. It's never something you do.
That's how people are. Love fades.
Copy !req
921. Love fades? God!
That's a depressing thought.
Copy !req
922. I have to ask you a question.
With your wife in bed,
Copy !req
923. .. does she need some kind of
artificial stimulation? Like marijuana?
Copy !req
924. We use a large vibrating egg.
Copy !req
925. A large vibrating egg?
Copy !req
926. Well, I ask a psychopath,
I get that kind of an answer. Jesus!
Copy !req
927. Here. You look like a very happy couple.
Copy !req
928. - Are you?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
929. So how do you account for it?
Copy !req
930. Uh... I'm very shallow and empty,
Copy !req
931. .. and I have no ideas
and nothing interesting to say.
Copy !req
932. - And I'm exactly the same way.
- I see. Well, that's very interesting.
Copy !req
933. So you've managed
to work out something, huh?
Copy !req
934. Well, thanks very much for talking to me.
Copy !req
935. Even as a kid, I always went for the
wrong women. I think that's my problem.
Copy !req
936. My mother took me to see Snow White.
Everyone fell in love with Snow White.
Copy !req
937. I immediately fell for the Wicked Queen.
Copy !req
938. - We never have any fun any more.
- How can you say that?
Copy !req
939. You're always leaning on me
to improve myself.
Copy !req
940. You must be getting your period.
Copy !req
941. I don't get a period!
I'm a cartoon character.
Copy !req
942. Can't I be upset once in a while?
Copy !req
943. Max, forget about Annie.
I know lots of women you can date.
Copy !req
944. I don't wanna go out
with any other women.
Copy !req
945. I have got a girl for you. You'll love her.
She's a reporter for Rolling Stone.
Copy !req
946. I think there are more people here to see
the Maharishi than there were for Dylan.
Copy !req
947. I covered the Dylan concert,
which gave me chills.
Copy !req
948. Especially when he sang,
"She takes just like a woman."
Copy !req
949. "And she makes love just like a woman.
Yes, she does."
Copy !req
950. "And she aches just like a woman."
Copy !req
951. "But she breaks just like a little girl."
Copy !req
952. After that,
the most charismatic event I covered...
Copy !req
953. .. was Mick's birthday
at Madison Square Garden.
Copy !req
954. - That's great. That's just great.
- Did you catch Dylan?
Copy !req
955. Me? No, I couldn't make it.
My raccoon had hepatitis.
Copy !req
956. You have a raccoon?
Copy !req
957. A few.
Copy !req
958. The only word for this is transplendid.
Copy !req
959. It's transplendid.
Copy !req
960. I can think of another word.
Copy !req
961. He's God. This man is God.
He's got millions of followers...
Copy !req
962. .. who would crawl across the world
just to touch the hem of his garment.
Copy !req
963. Yeah? Must be a tremendous hem.
Copy !req
964. - I'm a Rosicrucian myself.
- Are you?
Copy !req
965. I can't get with any religion
that advertises in Popular Mechanics.
Copy !req
966. Look. There's God
coming out of the men's room.
Copy !req
967. It's unbelievably transplendid!
Copy !req
968. I was at the Stones concert
when they killed that guy.
Copy !req
969. Were you?
I was at an Alice Cooper thing...
Copy !req
970. .. where six people were rushed
to the hospital with bad vibes.
Copy !req
971. I hope you don't mind
that I took so long to finish.
Copy !req
972. Oh, no. Don't be...
Don't be silly. You know, I...
Copy !req
973. I'm starting to get
some feeling back in my jaw now.
Copy !req
974. Sex with you
is really a Kafkaesque experience.
Copy !req
975. Oh. Thank you.
Copy !req
976. I mean that as a compliment.
Copy !req
977. I think... I think there's too much burden
placed on the orgasm.
Copy !req
978. You know, to make up for
empty areas in life.
Copy !req
979. Who said that?
Copy !req
980. I don't know. I think
it may have been Leopold and Loeb.
Copy !req
981. Hello.
Copy !req
982. Oh, hi!
Copy !req
983. Uh... no. What...
Copy !req
984. What's the matter?
Copy !req
985. You sound terrible.
Copy !req
986. No. Sure, I...
Copy !req
987. What kind of emergency?
Copy !req
988. No. Well, stay there. Stay there.
I'll come over right now.
Copy !req
989. Just stay there. I'll come right over.
Copy !req
990. It's me. Open up. Are you OK?
Copy !req
991. What's the matter? Are you all right?
Copy !req
992. There's a spider in the bathroom.
Copy !req
993. What?
Copy !req
994. There's a big, black spider
in the bathroom.
Copy !req
995. You got me here at three in the morning
cos there's a spider in the bathroom?
Copy !req
996. You know how I am about insects. I can't
sleep with a live thing crawling around.
Copy !req
997. Kill it! What's wrong with you?
Don't you have a can of Raid?
Copy !req
998. No.
Copy !req
999. I told you a thousand times. You should
always keep a lotta insect spray.
Copy !req
1000. You never know who's gonna crawl over.
Copy !req
1001. And a first-aid kit
and a fire-extinguisher...
Copy !req
1002. Give me a magazine, cos I'm a little tired.
Copy !req
1003. You make fun of me,
but I'm prepared for anything.
Copy !req
1004. An emergency, a tidal wave,
an earthquake.
Copy !req
1005. Hey, what is this?
Did you go to a rock concert?
Copy !req
1006. Yeah.
Copy !req
1007. Oh, yeah? Really?
Copy !req
1008. How'd you like it?
Copy !req
1009. Was it... I mean, was it heavy?
Did it achieve total heavy-ocity?
Copy !req
1010. It was just great.
Copy !req
1011. Why don't you get the guy
that took you to the rock concert...
Copy !req
1012. ..to come over and kill the spider?
Copy !req
1013. I called you. You wanna
help me or not, huh?
Copy !req
1014. Since when do you read
the National Review?
Copy !req
1015. - What are you turning into?
- I like to try to get all points of view.
Copy !req
1016. Then get William F Buckley
to kill the spider.
Copy !req
1017. Alvy, you're a little hostile.
You know that?
Copy !req
1018. Not only that. You look thin and tired.
Copy !req
1019. It's three o'clock in the morning!
You got me out of bed.
Copy !req
1020. I ran over here. I couldn't get a taxi cab.
You said it was an emergency.
Copy !req
1021. I ran up the stairs. I was a lot more
attractive when the evening began.
Copy !req
1022. Are you going with a right-wing
rock-and-roll star?
Copy !req
1023. Would you like a glass of chocolate milk?
Copy !req
1024. Hey, what am I? Your son?
I came over for...
Copy !req
1025. I got the good chocolate.
Copy !req
1026. - Where's the spider?
- It's in the bathroom.
Copy !req
1027. Don't squish it. And after it's dead,
flush it down the toilet a couple of times.
Copy !req
1028. Darling, I've been killing spiders
since I was 30, OK?
Copy !req
1029. It's a very big spider.
Lotta trouble. There's two of them.
Copy !req
1030. I didn't think it was that big,
but it's a major spider. You got a broom?
Copy !req
1031. It's at your house. I think I left it there.
I'm sorry. What are you doing?
Copy !req
1032. Honey, there's a spider in your bathroom
the size of a Buick.
Copy !req
1033. OK.
Copy !req
1034. Hey...
Copy !req
1035. - What is this? You got black soap?
- It's for my complexion.
Copy !req
1036. What, are you joining a minstrel show?
Copy !req
1037. Don't worry!
Copy !req
1038. I did it. I killed them both.
What are you sad about?
Copy !req
1039. What did you want me to do?
Capture 'em and rehabilitate 'em?
Copy !req
1040. - Oh, don't go. Please.
- What do you mean, don't...
Copy !req
1041. What's the matter?
Are you expecting termites?
Copy !req
1042. What's the matter?
Copy !req
1043. I don't know. I miss you.
Copy !req
1044. - Oh, Jesus. Really?
- Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
1045. Oh...
Copy !req
1046. - Alvy?
- What?
Copy !req
1047. Was there somebody in your room
when I called you?
Copy !req
1048. - What do you mean?
- Was there... I thought I heard a voice.
Copy !req
1049. I had the radio on. I'm sorry -
it was the television set.
Copy !req
1050. I was watching...
Copy !req
1051. Alvy, let's never break up again.
Copy !req
1052. I don't wanna be apart.
Copy !req
1053. I think we're both much too mature
for something like that.
Copy !req
1054. Living together
hasn't been so bad, has it?
Copy !req
1055. No. For me, it's been terrific. You know?
Copy !req
1056. Better than either one of my marriages.
Copy !req
1057. There's just something different about
you. I don't know what it is, but it's great.
Copy !req
1058. You know, I think that if you let me,
maybe I could help you have more fun.
Copy !req
1059. I mean, I know it's hard. It's...
Copy !req
1060. Alvy, what about...
what if we go away this weekend?
Copy !req
1061. Why don't we get Rob, and the three of us
would drive into Brooklyn?
Copy !req
1062. We could show you the old
neighbourhood. That'd be fun for you.
Copy !req
1063. Yeah, it would.
Copy !req
1064. Oh, my God! It's a great day!
Copy !req
1065. Watch the road!
You're gonna total the car!
Copy !req
1066. I've never even been to Brooklyn.
Copy !req
1067. Got to see the old neighbourhood.
We can show her the schoolyard.
Copy !req
1068. I was a great athlete. Tell her, Max.
The best. I was all-schoolyard.
Copy !req
1069. They threw him a football once
and he tried to dribble it.
Copy !req
1070. I used to lose my glasses a lot.
Copy !req
1071. Oh, look! That's my old house.
That's where I used to live.
Copy !req
1072. Holy cow!
Copy !req
1073. You're lucky. Where I lived
is now a pornographic equipment store.
Copy !req
1074. I have some
very good memories there.
Copy !req
1075. Your mother and father
fighting all the time?
Copy !req
1076. Yeah, and always over
the most ridiculous things.
Copy !req
1077. - You fired the cleaner?
- She stole!
Copy !req
1078. She's coloured!
They have enough trouble!
Copy !req
1079. - She went through my pocketbook!
- They're persecuted enough!
Copy !req
1080. - Who's persecuting? She stole!
- So? We can afford it!
Copy !req
1081. How can we afford it? On your pay?
What if she steals more?
Copy !req
1082. She's a coloured woman from Harlem!
She has no money!
Copy !req
1083. She's got a right to steal from us!
Who is she gonna steal from if not us?
Copy !req
1084. - You're both crazy!
- They can't hear you, Max.
Copy !req
1085. Leo, I married a fool!
Copy !req
1086. Hey, Max. What's that?
Copy !req
1087. That's the welcome-home party,
1945, for my cousin Herbie.
Copy !req
1088. Look. There. That's Joey Nichols.
He was my father's friend.
Copy !req
1089. He was always bothering me
when I was a kid.
Copy !req
1090. Joey Nichols. See? Nickels.
Copy !req
1091. See? Nickels.
Copy !req
1092. You see? Nickels.
You can always remember my name.
Copy !req
1093. Just think of Joey Five Cents. Ha-ha!
Copy !req
1094. That's me! Joey Five Cents!
Copy !req
1095. What an asshole.
Copy !req
1096. The one who killed me the most
was my mother's sister Tessie.
Copy !req
1097. I was always the sister
with good common sense.
Copy !req
1098. Tessie was always
the one with personality.
Copy !req
1099. When she was younger,
they all wanted to marry Tessie.
Copy !req
1100. Tessie Moskowitz had the personality.
She's the life of the ghetto, no doubt.
Copy !req
1101. She was once a great beauty.
Copy !req
1102. Tessie, they say you were
the sister with personality.
Copy !req
1103. I was a great beauty.
Copy !req
1104. - How did this personality come about?
- I was very charming.
Copy !req
1105. There were many men interested in you?
Copy !req
1106. Oh, I was quite a lively dancer.
Copy !req
1107. That's very hard to believe.
Copy !req
1108. Well, I had a really good day. It was just
a real fine way to spend my birthday.
Copy !req
1109. - Your birthday's not till tomorrow.
- But it's real close.
Copy !req
1110. Yeah, but no presents till midnight.
Copy !req
1111. I wonder what this is.
Copy !req
1112. - Happy birthday.
- What is this?
Copy !req
1113. Is this a present? Are you kidding?
Copy !req
1114. - Yeah. Why don't you try it on?
- Yeah? I don't...
Copy !req
1115. - This is more like a present for you.
- It'll add ten years to our sex life.
Copy !req
1116. - Yeah. Forget it.
- Here's a real present.
Copy !req
1117. Oh, yeah? What is this, anyway?
Copy !req
1118. - Check it out.
- Let me see.
Copy !req
1119. OK. Let's see.
Copy !req
1120. Oh, God!
Copy !req
1121. You knew I wanted this.
God! It's terrific. God!
Copy !req
1122. Just put on the watch and the...
and that thing and everything.
Copy !req
1123. Oh, God. Oh.
Copy !req
1124. Thank you.
Copy !req
1125. You were sensational. I told you
if you stuck to it you would be great.
Copy !req
1126. And... and you know...
you were sensational.
Copy !req
1127. Well, Alvy, they were
just a terrific audience.
Copy !req
1128. It makes it really easy for me
because I can be...
Copy !req
1129. Excuse me.
Copy !req
1130. Hi, I'm Tony Lacey.
Copy !req
1131. We just wanted to stop by and say
that we really enjoyed your set.
Copy !req
1132. Oh, yeah, really?
Copy !req
1133. I thought it was very musical
and I liked it a lot.
Copy !req
1134. That's really nice. Thanks a lot.
Copy !req
1135. Are you recording? Do you...
Are you with any label now?
Copy !req
1136. Me? No.
Copy !req
1137. No. Not at all.
Copy !req
1138. Well, I'd like to talk to you about that
sometime if you get a chance.
Copy !req
1139. - Possibly working together.
- Well, that's nice.
Copy !req
1140. Oh, listen. This is Alvy Singer.
Do you know Alvy?
Copy !req
1141. No, but I know your work.
I'm a big fan of yours.
Copy !req
1142. Thank you very much.
Copy !req
1143. This is Shaun and Bob and...
Bob and Petronia.
Copy !req
1144. Hi.
Copy !req
1145. We're going back to the Pierre.
We're staying at the Pierre.
Copy !req
1146. We're gonna meet Jack
and Anjelica and have a drink.
Copy !req
1147. If you'd like to come,
we'd love to have you.
Copy !req
1148. We can just sit and talk. Nothing...
Copy !req
1149. Not a big deal. It's just relaxed.
It would just be very mellow.
Copy !req
1150. Remember we have that thing.
Copy !req
1151. What thing?
Copy !req
1152. Don't you remember we discussed
that thing that we were... We had a...
Copy !req
1153. Oh, the thing!
Copy !req
1154. Oh, the thing. Yeah.
Copy !req
1155. Yeah...
Copy !req
1156. Oh, well, if it's inconvenient,
that's fine too. We'll do it another time.
Copy !req
1157. Maybe if you're on the coast,
we'll get together and meet there.
Copy !req
1158. It was a wonderful set. I really enjoyed it.
Copy !req
1159. Nice to have met you. Good night.
Copy !req
1160. Bye.
Copy !req
1161. What's the matter?
You wanted to go to that party?
Copy !req
1162. I don't know.
I thought it might be kinda fun.
Copy !req
1163. It would be nice
to meet some new people.
Copy !req
1164. I don't think I could take a mellow
evening. I don't respond well to mellow.
Copy !req
1165. I have a tendency to...
If I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.
Copy !req
1166. It's not good for my...
Copy !req
1167. So you don't wanna go to the party.
So what do you wanna do?
Copy !req
1168. That was the last day
I remember really having a good time.
Copy !req
1169. - We never have any laughs any more.
- I've been moody and dissatisfied.
Copy !req
1170. - How often do you sleep together?
- Do you have sex often?
Copy !req
1171. - Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.
- Constantly. I'd say three times a week.
Copy !req
1172. - The other night Alvy wanted to have sex.
- She would not sleep with me.
Copy !req
1173. Then... I don't know... Six months ago
I would have done it just to please him.
Copy !req
1174. I tried everything, you know.
I put on soft music and my red light bulb.
Copy !req
1175. But the thing is,
since our discussions here,
Copy !req
1176. ..I feel I have a right to my own feelings.
Copy !req
1177. I think you would have been happy
because I asserted myself.
Copy !req
1178. I'm paying for her analysis. And she's
making progress and I'm getting screwed.
Copy !req
1179. I feel so guilty because
Alvy is paying for it.
Copy !req
1180. So I do feel guilty
if I don't go to bed with him.
Copy !req
1181. If I do go to bed with him, it's like
I'm going against my own feelings.
Copy !req
1182. She's making progress and I'm not.
Her progress is killing my progress.
Copy !req
1183. Sometimes I think
I should just live with a woman.
Copy !req
1184. I don't believe it! You mean to tell me
you guys have never snorted coke?
Copy !req
1185. Well, I always wanted to try.
But Alvy, he's very down on it.
Copy !req
1186. Don't put it on me. I don't wanna put
a wad ofwhite powder in my nose.
Copy !req
1187. There's the nasal membrane.
Copy !req
1188. - You never wanna try anything new, Alvy.
- How can you say that?
Copy !req
1189. I said that you, I and that girl from your
acting class should have a threesome.
Copy !req
1190. - Well, that's sick!
- I know it's sick, but it's new.
Copy !req
1191. You didn't say it couldn't be sick.
Copy !req
1192. Come on, Alvy.
Copy !req
1193. Do your body a favour. Try it.
Copy !req
1194. I'm sure it's a lot of fun,
cos the Incas did it.
Copy !req
1195. And they were a million laughs.
Copy !req
1196. Come on. For your own experience.
You wanna write.
Copy !req
1197. It's great stuff. A friend of mine
just brought it in from California.
Copy !req
1198. Oh, you know, we're going
to California next week.
Copy !req
1199. It's incredible. I'm thrilled, as you know.
Copy !req
1200. On my agent's advice, I sold out
and I'm gonna do an appearance on TV.
Copy !req
1201. No. That's not it at all.
Alvy's giving an award on television.
Copy !req
1202. You act like
you're violating a moral issue.
Copy !req
1203. We have to leave New York
during Christmas week, which kills me.
Copy !req
1204. Listen, while you're in California, could
you possibly score some coke for me?
Copy !req
1205. Oh, sure. I'd be glad to. I'll just put it
in a hollow heel that I have on my boot.
Copy !req
1206. How much is this stuff, incidentally?
Copy !req
1207. It's about $2,000 an ounce.
Copy !req
1208. Really? And what is the kick of it?
Cos I never...
Copy !req
1209. I've never been so relaxed
as I have been since I moved here, Max.
Copy !req
1210. I want you to see my house. I live next to
Hugh Hefner. He lets me use the Jacuzzi.
Copy !req
1211. And the women are like
the women in Playboy magazine,
Copy !req
1212. .. only they can move their arms and legs.
Copy !req
1213. I can't get over it -
this is really Beverly Hills.
Copy !req
1214. The architecture's so consistent.
Copy !req
1215. French next to Spanish
next to Tudor next to Japanese.
Copy !req
1216. God! It's so clean out here.
Copy !req
1217. They don't throw their garbage out.
They make it into TV shows.
Copy !req
1218. Give us a break, Max.
It's Christmas.
Copy !req
1219. Can you believe this is Christmas?
Copy !req
1220. It was snowing and
really grey in New York, naturally.
Copy !req
1221. Santa Claus'll have sunstroke.
Copy !req
1222. Max, there's no crime.
There's no mugging.
Copy !req
1223. There's no economic crime.
Copy !req
1224. But there's ritual religious-cult murders.
There's wheat-germ killers out here.
Copy !req
1225. While you're out here,
I want you to see some of my TV show.
Copy !req
1226. And we're invited
to a big Christmas party.
Copy !req
1227. All right now, Charlie,
give me a good laugh here.
Copy !req
1228. .. limousine to the track break down?
Copy !req
1229. A little bigger.
Copy !req
1230. Max, you realise how immoral this all is?
Copy !req
1231. - Max, I got a hit series.
- I know. But you're adding fake laughs.
Copy !req
1232. .. home so early.
Copy !req
1233. Give me a tremendous laugh here,
Charlie.
Copy !req
1234. We do this show live
in front of an audience.
Copy !req
1235. And nobody laughs,
cos the jokes aren't funny.
Copy !req
1236. That's why this machine is dynamite.
Copy !req
1237. Honey, you'd better lie down.
You've been in the sun too long.
Copy !req
1238. Now give me
a medium-sized chuckle here.
Copy !req
1239. And then a big hand.
Copy !req
1240. Is there booing on that?
Copy !req
1241. Oh, Max.
Copy !req
1242. I don't feel well.
Copy !req
1243. - What's the matter?
- I don't know. I just got... very dizzy.
Copy !req
1244. - I feel dizzy, Max.
- Well, sit down.
Copy !req
1245. Oh, Jesus!
Copy !req
1246. - Are you all right?
- I don't know.
Copy !req
1247. - You wanna lie down?
- No. My stomach felt queasy all morning.
Copy !req
1248. - How about a ginger ale?
- Oh... Max, no.
Copy !req
1249. Maybe I'd better lie down.
Copy !req
1250. Why don't you try to get a little
of this down? It's just plain chicken.
Copy !req
1251. Oh, no. I can't eat this.
Copy !req
1252. I'm nauseous.
Copy !req
1253. If you can just give me something
to get me through the next two hours.
Copy !req
1254. I have to go out to Burbank
and give out an award on a TV show.
Copy !req
1255. There's nothing wrong with you, actually,
so far as I can tell.
Copy !req
1256. You have no fever.
No symptoms of anything serious.
Copy !req
1257. - You haven't eaten pork or shellfish.
- Excuse me. I'm sorry, doctor.
Copy !req
1258. Alvy, that was the show.
They said everything is fine.
Copy !req
1259. They found a replacement
so they're going to tape without you.
Copy !req
1260. Jesus! Now I don't get to do the TV show?
Copy !req
1261. - I know. Listen, doctor.
- I was just saying, I can't find anything.
Copy !req
1262. - Nothing at all?
- No. I could get a lab man up here.
Copy !req
1263. Can I have the salt, please?
Copy !req
1264. Perhaps it would be even better
if we took him to hospital for a day or two.
Copy !req
1265. - Hospital?
- Or there's no real way...
Copy !req
1266. - ..to tell what's going on.
- This is not bad, actually.
Copy !req
1267. Don't tell me we have to walk
from the car to the house.
Copy !req
1268. My feet haven't touched pavement
since I reached Los Angeles.
Copy !req
1269. I'll take a meeting with you
if you'll take a meeting with Freddy.
Copy !req
1270. I took a meeting with Freddy.
Freddy took a meeting with Charlie.
Copy !req
1271. All the good meetings are taken.
Copy !req
1272. Right now it's only a notion.
But I think I can get money...
Copy !req
1273. ..to make it into a concept,
and then turn it into an idea.
Copy !req
1274. - Like this house, Max?
- Mm-hm.
Copy !req
1275. I even brought a map
to get us to the bathroom.
Copy !req
1276. You should have told me
it was Tony Lacey's party.
Copy !req
1277. What difference does that make?
Copy !req
1278. - I think he has a thing for Annie.
- No. Unfortunately, Max,
Copy !req
1279. - .. he goes with that girl over there.
- Where?
Copy !req
1280. The one with the VPL.
Copy !req
1281. - VPL?
- Visible Panty Line.
Copy !req
1282. - Max, she is gorgeous.
- Yeah, she's a ten, Max.
Copy !req
1283. - Great for you, cos you're used to twos.
- There are no twos, Max.
Copy !req
1284. The kind with shopping bags in Central
Park with surgical masks on, muttering.
Copy !req
1285. How do you like this couple? They just
came back from Masters and Johnson.
Copy !req
1286. Yeah. Intensive care ward.
Copy !req
1287. My God. Hey, Max,
I think she's giving me the eye.
Copy !req
1288. If she comes over,
my brain'll turn into guacamole.
Copy !req
1289. - Hi.
- Hi. You're Alvy Singer, right?
Copy !req
1290. - Didn't we meet at EST?
- EST? No, I was never to EST.
Copy !req
1291. - Then how can you criticise it?
- Oh, he didn't say anything.
Copy !req
1292. I came out to get some shock therapy,
but there was an energy crisis.
Copy !req
1293. - He's my food taster. Have you two met?
- How you doing?
Copy !req
1294. - You taste to see if the food's poisoned?
- Yeah. He's great.
Copy !req
1295. You guys are wearing white. It must be
in the stars. Uri Geller must be here.
Copy !req
1296. We're gonna operate together.
Copy !req
1297. We just need about six weeks. In six
weeks we could cut the whole album.
Copy !req
1298. I don't know. This is strange to me.
Copy !req
1299. You can come and stay here.
There's a whole wing you can have.
Copy !req
1300. - Yeah? Stay here?
- Really. Why are you smiling?
Copy !req
1301. I don't know. I don't know.
Copy !req
1302. Not only is he a great agent,
but he really gives good meeting.
Copy !req
1303. This is a great house. Really.
Saunas, Jacuzzis, three tennis courts.
Copy !req
1304. You know who the original owners were?
Nelson Eddy, then Legs Diamond.
Copy !req
1305. - Then you know who lived here?
- Trigger.
Copy !req
1306. Charlie Chaplin.
Right before his un-American thing.
Copy !req
1307. That's great.
Copy !req
1308. - But you guys are still New Yorkers.
- Yeah, I love it there.
Copy !req
1309. I used to live there. I used to live there
for years, but... It's so dirty now.
Copy !req
1310. I'm into garbage. It's my thing.
Copy !req
1311. This is a really nice
screening room, Tony.
Copy !req
1312. There's another thing about New York.
Copy !req
1313. If you wanna see a movie, you have to
stand in line. It could be freezing.
Copy !req
1314. We saw Grand Illusion here last night.
Copy !req
1315. Hey, that's a great film if you're high.
Copy !req
1316. Come and see our bedroom.
We did a fantastic thing.
Copy !req
1317. No, thanks, man. I'm cool.
Copy !req
1318. It's wonderful. They just eat
and watch movies all day.
Copy !req
1319. And gradually you get old and die.
Copy !req
1320. It's important to make an effort
once in a while.
Copy !req
1321. Do you think his girlfriend's beautiful?
Copy !req
1322. A tad on the androgynous side,
but dynamite.
Copy !req
1323. Yeah. I forgot my mantra.
Copy !req
1324. That was fun.
Copy !req
1325. I don't think California's bad at all.
Copy !req
1326. It's a drag coming home.
Copy !req
1327. A lot of beautiful women.
Copy !req
1328. It was fun to flirt.
Copy !req
1329. I have to face facts.
Copy !req
1330. I adore Alvy, but our relationship
doesn't seem to work any more.
Copy !req
1331. I'll have the usual trouble
with Annie in bed tonight.
Copy !req
1332. Why do I need this?
Copy !req
1333. If only I had the nerve to break up.
But it would really hurt him.
Copy !req
1334. If only I didn't feel guilty
asking Annie to move out.
Copy !req
1335. It'd probably wreck her.
But I should be honest.
Copy !req
1336. Alvy, let's face it. You know...
Copy !req
1337. I don't think our relationship is working.
Copy !req
1338. I know. A relationship,
I think, is like a shark.
Copy !req
1339. It has to constantly move forward,
or it dies.
Copy !req
1340. And I think what we got on our hands
is a dead shark.
Copy !req
1341. Whose Catcher in the Rye is this?
Copy !req
1342. If it has my name on it,
then I guess it's mine.
Copy !req
1343. It sure has... You wrote
your name in all my books...
Copy !req
1344. .. cos you knew this day was gonna come.
Copy !req
1345. Alvy, you wanted to break up
just as much as I do.
Copy !req
1346. No question. I think we're doing
the mature thing, without any doubt.
Copy !req
1347. All the books on death and dying are
yours, and all the poetry books are mine.
Copy !req
1348. Denial of Death. This is the first book
that I got you. Remember that day?
Copy !req
1349. Jeez, I feel like
there's a great weight off my back. Hm.
Copy !req
1350. Oh. Thanks, Annie.
Copy !req
1351. Oh, no, no, no. I mean,
I think it's really important for us...
Copy !req
1352. ..to explore new relationships
and stuff like that.
Copy !req
1353. There's no question about that. Cos
we've given this a more than fair shot.
Copy !req
1354. My analyst thinks this move is key for me.
Copy !req
1355. And, you know, I trust her.
Because my analyst recommended her.
Copy !req
1356. Why should I put you through
all my moods and hang-ups anyway?
Copy !req
1357. And you know what the beauty part is?
Copy !req
1358. - We can always get back together again.
- Exactly.
Copy !req
1359. I don't think many couples could handle
this. Just break up and remain friends.
Copy !req
1360. Hey, this one's mine, this button.
I guess these are all yours.
Copy !req
1361. Impeach Eisenhower. Impeach Nixon.
Copy !req
1362. Impeach Lyndon Johnson.
Impeach Ronald Reagan.
Copy !req
1363. I miss Annie. I made a terrible mistake.
Copy !req
1364. She's living in Los Angeles
with Tony Lacey.
Copy !req
1365. Then the hell with her. If she likes
that lifestyle, let her live there.
Copy !req
1366. - He's a jerk, for one thing.
- He graduated Harvard.
Copy !req
1367. He may have... Listen, Harvard makes
mistakes too. Kissinger taught there.
Copy !req
1368. Don't tell me you're jealous.
Copy !req
1369. Yeah. Jealous? A little bit. Like Medea.
Copy !req
1370. Can I show you something, lady?
I have here... I found this in the apartment.
Copy !req
1371. Black soap. She used to wash her face
800 times a day with black soap.
Copy !req
1372. Don't ask me why.
Copy !req
1373. Why don't you go out with other women?
Copy !req
1374. Well, I tried. But it's... you know,
it's very depressing.
Copy !req
1375. This always happens to me.
Quick! Get a broom!
Copy !req
1376. What are you making such a big deal
about? They're only lobsters.
Copy !req
1377. You're a grown man.
You know how to pick up a lobster.
Copy !req
1378. - I'm not myself since I stopped smoking.
- When did you quit?
Copy !req
1379. 16 years ago.
Copy !req
1380. What do you mean?
Copy !req
1381. Mean?
Copy !req
1382. You stopped smoking 16 years ago.
Is that what you said?
Copy !req
1383. I don't understand.
Copy !req
1384. Are you joking or what?
Copy !req
1385. Central Park's turning green.
Copy !req
1386. Yeah. I saw that lunatic
that we used to see...
Copy !req
1387. .. with the pinwheel hat,
you know, and the roller skates.
Copy !req
1388. Listen, I... I want you to come back here.
Copy !req
1389. Well... Then I'm gonna
come out there and get you.
Copy !req
1390. What do you mean, where am I?
Where do you think I am?
Copy !req
1391. I'm at the Los Angeles airport. I flew in.
Copy !req
1392. I... Well, I flew in to see you.
Copy !req
1393. Hey, listen. Can we not
debate this on the telephone?
Copy !req
1394. Because I feel that I got a temperature.
Copy !req
1395. And I'm getting my chronic Los Angeles
nausea already. I don't feel so good.
Copy !req
1396. Wherever you wanna meet. I don't care.
I'll drive in. I rented a car.
Copy !req
1397. I'm driving. What do you...
Copy !req
1398. What, is that such a miracle?
I'm driving myself.
Copy !req
1399. I'm gonna have the alfalfa sprouts and...
Copy !req
1400. ..a plate of mashed yeast.
Copy !req
1401. Hi.
Copy !req
1402. You look very pretty.
Copy !req
1403. Oh, no. I just lost
a little weight, that's all.
Copy !req
1404. Well... you look nice.
Copy !req
1405. I've been thinking about it,
and I think that we should get married.
Copy !req
1406. Oh, Alvy. Come on.
Copy !req
1407. Why? You wanna live out here?
Copy !req
1408. It's like living in Munchkin Land.
Copy !req
1409. What do you mean?
It's perfectly fine out here.
Copy !req
1410. I mean, Tony's very nice.
Copy !req
1411. And... well, I meet people
and I go to parties and we play tennis.
Copy !req
1412. I mean, that's a very big step for me,
you know.
Copy !req
1413. I mean, I'm able to enjoy people more.
Copy !req
1414. So... you're not gonna
come back to New York?
Copy !req
1415. What's so great about New York? It's
a dying city. You read Death in Venice.
Copy !req
1416. You didn't read Death in Venice
till I bought it for you.
Copy !req
1417. That's right. You only gave me books
with the word "death" in the title.
Copy !req
1418. Cos it's an important issue.
Copy !req
1419. Alvy, you're incapable of enjoying life.
Copy !req
1420. You're like New York City.
You're just this person.
Copy !req
1421. You're like this island unto yourself.
Copy !req
1422. I can't enjoy anything
unless everybody is.
Copy !req
1423. If one guy is starving someplace,
that's... it puts a crimp in my evening.
Copy !req
1424. So you wanna get married or what?
Copy !req
1425. No. We're friends.
Copy !req
1426. I wanna remain friends.
Copy !req
1427. OK.
Copy !req
1428. Check, please!
Copy !req
1429. You're mad, aren't you?
Copy !req
1430. Yes, of course I'm mad.
Because you love me. I know that.
Copy !req
1431. Alvy, I can't say that that's true
at this point in my life. I really can't.
Copy !req
1432. You know how wonderful you are.
Copy !req
1433. You know you're the reason that I got out
of my room and that I was able to sing...
Copy !req
1434. .. and get more in touch
with my feelings and all that crap.
Copy !req
1435. Anyway, look, I don't wanna...
Listen, listen, listen, um...
Copy !req
1436. So what are you up to anyway, huh?
Copy !req
1437. The usual, you know. I'm trying to write.
I'm working on a play.
Copy !req
1438. So what are you saying? You're
not coming back to New York with me?
Copy !req
1439. No. Look...
Copy !req
1440. I gotta go.
Copy !req
1441. - I flew 3,000 miles to see you.
- I'm late.
Copy !req
1442. Air miles. You know what
that does to my stomach?
Copy !req
1443. It's a hectic time for Tony.
The Grammies are tonight.
Copy !req
1444. - The what?
- He's got a lot of records up for awards.
Copy !req
1445. They give awards for that music?
I thought just earplugs.
Copy !req
1446. Just forget it!
Let's just forget the conversation.
Copy !req
1447. Awards! They do nothing
but give out awards! I can't believe it.
Copy !req
1448. Greatest fascist dictator - Adolf Hitler.
Copy !req
1449. I know what you're gonna say. I'm not a
great driver. I have some problems with...
Copy !req
1450. Can I see your licence, please?
Copy !req
1451. Just don't get angry or anything, cos I...
Copy !req
1452. I have my licence here.
Copy !req
1453. It's a rented car and I... I...
Copy !req
1454. Here.
Copy !req
1455. Don't give me your life...
Copy !req
1456. .. story.
Copy !req
1457. Just pick up the licence.
Copy !req
1458. You have to ask nicely cos I've had
an extremely rough day. My girlfriend...
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1459. Just give me the licence, please.
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1460. Since you put it that way,
it's hard for me to refuse.
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1461. I have a terrific problem with authority.
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1462. It's not your fault. Don't take it personal.
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1463. So long, fellas. Keep in touch.
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1464. Imagine my surprise
when I got your call, Max.
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1465. Yeah. I had the feeling
that I got you at a bad moment.
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1466. I heard high-pitched squealing.
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1467. Twins, Max.
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1468. 16-year-olds.
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1469. Can you imagine
the mathematical possibilities of that?
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1470. You're an actor, Max. You should be
doing Shakespeare in the Park.
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1471. I did Shakespeare in the Park, Max.
I got mugged.
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1472. I was playing Richard Il, and two guys
with leatherjackets stole my leotard.
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1473. Max, are we driving through plutonium?
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1474. It keeps out the alpha rays, Max.
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1475. You don't get old.
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1476. You're a thinking person.
How can you choose this lifestyle?
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1477. What is so incredibly great
about New York?
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1478. It's a dying city.
You read Death in Venice.
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1479. You didn't read it till I gave it to you.
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1480. You only give me books
with "death" in the title.
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1481. - It's an important issue.
- You are totally incapable of enjoying life.
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1482. You're like New York. You're an island.
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1483. OK. If that's all that we've been
through together means to you,
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1484. ..I guess it's better if we just
say goodbye, once and for all.
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1485. You know, it's funny, after all the serious
talks and passionate moments,
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1486. .. that it ends here, in a health-food
restaurant on Sunset Boulevard.
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1487. Goodbye, Sunny.
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1488. Wait.
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1489. I'm gonna go with you.
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1490. I love you.
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1491. What do you want? It was my first play.
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1492. You know how you're always trying to
get things to come out perfect in art...
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1493. .. because it's real difficult in life.
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1494. Interestingly, however,
I did run into Annie again.
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1495. It was on the Upper West Side
of Manhattan.
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1496. She had moved back to New York.
She was living in SoHo with some guy.
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1497. And when I met her, she was dragging
him in to see The Sorrow and the Pity,
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1498. .. which I counted as a personal triumph.
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1499. Annie and I had lunch
sometime after that and...
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1500. .. just kicked around old times.
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1501. After that,
it got pretty late and we both had to go.
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1502. But it was great seeing Annie again.
I realised what a terrific person she was...
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1503. .. and how much fun it was
just knowing her.
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1504. And I thought of that old joke, you know.
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1505. This guy goes to a psychiatrist
and says,
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1506. .."Doc, my brother's crazy.
He thinks he's a chicken."
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1507. And the doctor says,
"Well, why don't you turn him in?"
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1508. And the guy says,
"I would, but I need the eggs."
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1509. Well, I guess that's pretty much now
how I feel about relationships.
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1510. You know, they're totally irrational
and crazy and absurd and...
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1511. But I guess we keep going through it
because most of us need the eggs.
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