- 1. There's an old joke. Two elderly women
are at a Catskill Mountain resort.
- 2. One of 'em says, "The food
at this place is really terrible."
- 3. The other one says,
"Yeah, I know. And such small portions."
- 4. That's essentially
how I feel about life.
- 5. Full of loneliness and misery
and suffering and unhappiness.
- 6. And it's all over much too quickly.
- 7. The other important joke for me is one
that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx.
- 8. I think it appears originally in Freud's
Wit and its Relation to the Unconscious.
- 9. It goes like this - I'm paraphrasing.
I would never wanna belong to any club...
- 10. that would have
someone like me for a member.
- 11. That's the key joke of my adult life
in terms of my relationships with women.
- 12. Lately the strangest things
have been going through my mind.
- 13. Cos I turned 40, and I guess
I'm going through a life crisis.
- 14. I'm not worried about ageing.
Although I'm balding slightly on top.
- 15. That's about the worst
you can say about me.
- 16. I think I'm gonna get better as I get older.
- 17. I think I'm gonna be
the balding virile type,
- 18. as opposed to, say,
the distinguished grey, for instance.
- 19. Unless I'm one of those guys with
saliva dribbling out of his mouth,
- 20. who wanders into a cafeteria
with a shopping bag,
- 21. screaming about socialism.
- 22. Annie and I broke up.
And I still can't get my mind around that.
- 23. I keep sifting the pieces of
the relationship through my mind,
- 24. examining my life, and trying to
figure out - where did the screw up come?
- 25. A year ago we were... in love, you know.
- 26. And... It's funny... I'm not a morose type.
I'm not a depressive character.
- 27. I... I, uh... You know...
- 28. I was a reasonably happy kid, I guess.
- 29. I was brought up in Brooklyn
during World War Il.
- 30. He's been depressed.
All of a sudden he can't do anything.
- 31. - Why are you depressed, Alvy?
- Tell Dr Flicker.
- 32. It's something he read.
- 33. Something he read, uh?
- 34. - The universe is expanding.
- The universe is expanding?
- 35. The universe is everything. If it's
expanding, someday it will break apart...
- 36. and that will be the end of everything.
- 37. What is that your business?
- 38. He stopped doing his homework.
- 39. - What's the point?
- What has the universe got to do with it?
- 40. You're here in Brooklyn!
Brooklyn is not expanding!
- 41. It won't be expanding
for billions of years yet, Alvy.
- 42. And we've gotta try and enjoy ourselves
while we're here, uh?
- 43. Uh? Uh?
- 44. My analyst says I exaggerate
my childhood memories.
- 45. But I was brought up
under the roller coaster...
- 46. in the Coney Island section of Brooklyn.
- 47. Maybe that accounts for my personality,
which is a little nervous.
- 48. I have a hyperactive imagination.
- 49. My mind tends to jump around a little.
- 50. I have some trouble
between fantasy and reality.
- 51. My father ran the bumper car concession.
- 52. There he is.
- 53. And there I am.
- 54. I used to get my aggression out
through those cars all the time.
- 55. I remember the staff at our public school.
- 56. We had a saying:
"Those who can't do, teach,
- 57. and those who can't teach, teach gym."
- 58. And those who couldn't do anything,
I think, were assigned to our school.
- 59. I always thought
my schoolmates were idiots.
- 60. Melvyn Greenglass. His fat little face.
- 61. And Henrietta Farrell.
Just Miss Perfect all the time.
- 62. And Ivan ACkerman.
Always the wrong answer. Always.
- 63. Seven and three is nine.
- 64. Even then, I knew they were just jerks.
- 65. In 1942 I had already discovered women.
- 66. Ugh! He kissed me!
- 67. He kissed me! Ugh!
- 68. That's the second time this month!
Step up here! Step up here!
- 69. - What did I do?
- You should be ashamed of yourself.
- 70. Why? I was just expressing
a healthy sexual curiosity.
- 71. Six-year-old boys
don't have girls on their minds.
- 72. I did.
- 73. For God's sakes, Alvy!
Even Freud speaks of a latency period.
- 74. Well, I never had a latency period.
I can't help it.
- 75. Why couldn't you have been more like
Donald? Now there was a model boy.
- 76. Tell the folks where you are today.
- 77. I run a profitable dress company.
- 78. Sometimes I wonder
where my classmates are today.
- 79. I'm president of
the Pinkus Plumbing Company.
- 80. I sell tallises.
- 81. I used to be a heroin addict.
Now I'm a methadone addict.
- 82. I'm into leather.
- 83. I lost track of most of my schoolmates,
but I wound up a comedian.
- 84. They did not take me in the army.
I was... Interestingly enough... I was 4-P.
- 85. In the event of war, I'm a hostage.
- 86. You always only saw the worst in people.
- 87. You never could get along
with anyone in school.
- 88. You were always out of step
with the world.
- 89. Even when you got famous,
you still distrusted the world.
- 90. I distinctly heard it.
He muttered under his breath, "Jew."
- 91. (Rob) You're crazy.
- 92. We were walking off
the tennis court. Him and me and his wife.
- 93. He looked at her and they both looked at
me. And under his breath he said, "Jew."
- 94. Alvy, you're a total paranoid.
- 95. I pick up on those kinda things.
- 96. I was having lunch with some guys from
NBC. So I said, "Did you eat yet or what?"
- 97. And Tom Christie said, "No. D'you?"
- 98. Not "Did you". "D'you eat?"D'you?"
- 99. Not "Did you eat?" but "D'you eat?"
"Jew?" You get it? "Jew eat?"
- 100. - Max...
- Stop calling me Max.
- 101. Why, Max? It's a good name for you.
Max, you see conspiracies in everything.
- 102. I was in a record store. There's
this big, tall, blond, crew-cutted guy,
- 103. looking at me in a funny way and saying,
"We have a sale this week on Wagner."
- 104. Wagner, Max. Wagner. I know what he's
really trying to tell me, very significantly.
- 105. Right, Max.
- 106. California, Max.
- 107. - Get the hell out of this crazy city.
- Forget it.
- 108. We move to sunny LA.
All of show business is there.
- 109. No. I don't wanna live in a city
where the only cultural advantage...
- 110. is that you can make
a right turn on a red light.
- 111. Forget it.
Aren't you late for meeting Annie?
- 112. I'm meeting her at the Beekman.
I have a few minutes.
- 113. Are you on television?
- 114. No.
- 115. Yeah. Once in a while. Occasionally.
- 116. - What's your name?
- You wouldn't know it. It doesn't matter.
- 117. You were on the... uh...
The Johnny Carson, right?
- 118. Once in a while, you know.
- 119. What's your name?
- 120. I'm... I'm Robert Redford.
- 121. Come on!
- 122. Alvy Singer. It was nice...
Thanks very much for everything.
- 123. Hey!
- 124. (man) What?
- 125. This is Alvy Singer!
- 126. Fellas, you know...
- 127. This guy's on television.
Alvy Singer? Am I right?
- 128. - Give me a break.
- This guy's on television.
- 129. I need a large polo mallet.
- 130. - Who's on television?
- On The Johnny Carson Show.
- 131. Is this a meeting of the Teamsters?
- 132. - What programme?
- Can I have your autograph?
- 133. - You don't want my autograph.
- No, I do. It's for my girlfriend.
- 134. Make it out to Ralph.
- 135. - Your girlfriend's name is Ralph?
- It's for my brudder.
- 136. - Alvy Singer!
- You're really Alvy Singer, the TV star?
- 137. Alvy Singer over here!
- 138. It's all right, fellas.
- 139. Jesus! What did you do?
Come by way of the Panama Canal?
- 140. - I'm in a bad mood.
- I'm here with the cast of The Godfather.
- 141. - You have to learn to deal with it.
- I'm dealing with guys named Cheech!
- 142. Please. I have a headache, all right?
- 143. You are in a bad mood.
You must be getting your period.
- 144. Every time anything out of the ordinary
happens, you think I'm getting my period!
- 145. A little louder. I think
one of them may have missed it.
- 146. - Has the picture started?
- It started two minutes ago.
- 147. That's it. Forget it. I can't go in.
- 148. - Two minutes, Alvy.
- I can't do it. We've blown it already.
- 149. I can't go in in the middle.
- 150. We'll only miss the titles.
They're in Swedish.
- 151. - You wanna get coffee for two hours?
- Two hours? No. I'm going in.
- 152. - Go ahead. Goodbye.
- While we're talking, we could be inside.
- 153. Can we not stand here and argue
in front of everybody? I get embarrassed.
- 154. All right. So what do you wanna do?
- 155. I don't know now.
You wanna go to another movie?
- 156. Let's go see The Sorrow and the Pity.
- 157. Come on. I'm not in the mood to see
a four-hour documentary on Nazis.
- 158. Well, I'm sorry. I've gotta see a picture
exactly from the start to the finish.
- 159. Cos... Cos I'm anal.
- 160. That's a polite word for what you are.
- 161. We saw the Fellini film last Tuesday.
It is not one of his best.
- 162. It lacks a cohesive structure.
- 163. You get the feeling that he's not
absolutely sure what it is he wants to say.
- 164. I've always felt he was essentially
a technical filmmaker.
- 165. Granted, La Strada was a great film.
Great in its use of negative imagery.
- 166. I can't stand this guy.
I'm gonna have a stroke.
- 167. Well, stop listening to him.
- 168. He's screaming his opinions in my ear.
- 169. Like all that Juliet of the Spirits
- 170. I found it incredibly... indulgent.
- 171. He really is. He's one of
the most indulgent filmmakers.
- 172. The key word here is indulgent.
- 173. Without getting...
- 174. - What are you depressed about?
- I missed my therapy. I overslept.
- 175. - How can you possibly oversleep?
- The alarm clock.
- 176. Do you know
what a hostile gesture that is to me?
- 177. I know.
Because of our sexual problem, right?
- 178. Everybody at The New Yorker
has to know our rate of intercourse?
- 179. It's like Samuel Beckett.
- 180. I admire the technique,
but it doesn't hit me on a gut level.
- 181. - I'd like to hit this guy on a gut level.
- Stop it, Alvy!
- 182. He's spitting on my neck.
He's spitting on my neck when he talks.
- 183. You know, you're so egocentric
that if I miss my therapy,
- 184. you can only think of it
in terms of how it affects you.
- 185. Weltanschauung is what it is.
- 186. Probably on their first date.
- 187. Probably met by answering an ad
in the New York Review of Books.
- 188. "Thirtyish academic
wishes to meet woman...
- 189. who's interested in Mozart,
James Joyce and sodomy."
- 190. Our sexual problem? I'm comparatively
normal for a guy raised in Brooklyn.
- 191. OK. I'm very sorry. My sexual problem.
OK? My sexual problem. Huh?
- 192. I never read that. That was a Henry James
novel? Sequel of The Turn of the Screw?
- 193. It's the influence of television.
- 194. Now, Marshall McLuhan deals with it
in terms of it being a high...
- 195. high intensity.
You understand? A hot medium...
- 196. What I wouldn't give for a large sock
with horse manure in it.
- 197. What do you do when you get stuck in
a movie line with a guy like this behind?
- 198. Why can't I give my opinion?
It's a free country.
- 199. Do you have to give it so loud? Aren't
you ashamed to pontificate like that?
- 200. The funny part is, you don't know
anything about Marshall McLuhan.
- 201. Really? I happen to teach a class
at Columbia called TV, Media and Culture.
- 202. So I think my insights into Mr McLuhan
have a great deal of validity.
- 203. Oh, do you? That's funny, because
I happen to have Mr McLuhan right here.
- 204. Just let me... Come over here a second.
- 205. I heard what you were saying.
- 206. You know nothing of my work.
- 207. You mean my whole fallacy is wrong.
- 208. How you ever got to teach a course
in anything is totally amazing.
- 209. Boy, if life were only like this!
- 210. June 14th, 1940.
The German army occupies Paris.
- 211. All over the country, people are desperate
for every available scrap of news.
- 212. Those guys in the French
Resistance were really brave.
- 213. To have to listen to
Maurice Chevalier sing so much.
- 214. Sometimes I ask myself
how I'd stand up under torture.
- 215. The Gestapo would take away
your Bloomingdale's charge card...
- 216. and you'd tell 'em everything.
- 217. That movie makes me feel guilty.
- 218. Yeah, cos it's supposed to.
- 219. Alvy...
- 220. What? What... What's the matter?
- 221. I don't... I don't know.
- 222. It's not natural. We're sleeping in a bed
together. You know, it's been a long time.
- 223. Well, it's just that I gotta sing tomorrow
night, so I have to rest my voice.
- 224. There's always an excuse.
You used to think I was very sexy.
- 225. When we first started going out,
we had sex constantly.
- 226. We're probably
in the Guinness Book of World Records.
- 227. Alvy, it'll pass.
I'm going through a phase. That's all.
- 228. You've been married before.
You know how things can get.
- 229. You were very hot for Allison at first.
- 230. You're on right after Chris Brown,
which looks about 20 minutes.
- 231. Excuse me. When do I go on?
- 232. Who are you?
- 233. Alvy Singer.
- 234. I'm a comedian.
- 235. Oh, comedian. Yeah.
- 236. Oh. You're on next.
- 237. What do you mean, next? I'm...
- 238. You're on right after this act.
- 239. No, it can't be. Because he's a comic.
- 240. Yes.
- 241. - You're putting on two comics in a row?
- Why not?
- 242. No, I'm sorry. I don't wanna go on
after another comedian.
- 243. It's OK.
- 244. No. Because they're laughing.
So I'd... rather not.
- 245. Will you relax? They're gonna love you.
- 246. I'd prefer not to. Look.
They're laughing at him.
- 247. They're gonna laugh at him
then I gotta go out.
- 248. I gotta get laughs too.
How much can they laugh?
- 249. - They're laughed out.
- Do you feel all right?
- 250. Jesus!
- 251. What's your name?
- 252. Allison.
- 253. Yeah?
- 254. Allison what?
- 255. Portchnik.
- 256. Portchnik?
- 257. - That's nice.
- Thank you.
- 258. Allison Portchnik!
- 259. So, what are you telling me? You work
for Stevenson all the time or what?
- 260. No, no, no.
I'm in the midst of doing my thesis.
- 261. On what?
- 262. Political Commitment
in 20th-Century Literature.
- 263. You're like... New York, Jewish,
left-wing, liberal, intellectual,
- 264. Central Park West, Brandeis University,
socialist summer camps?
- 265. The father with the Ben Shahn drawings?
The really strike-oriented...
- 266. Stop me before I make
a complete imbecile of myself.
- 267. No. That was wonderful. I love
being reduced to a cultural stereotype.
- 268. Right. I'm a bigot. But for the Left.
- 269. I have to go out there.
Say something encouraging. Quickly.
- 270. I think you're cute.
- 271. - Do you?
- 272. Go ahead.
- 273. I don't know why they would have me
at this kind of rally cos...
- 274. I'm not essentially
a political comedian at all.
- 275. I interestingly had, um... dated a woman...
- 276. in the Eisenhower administration briefly.
- 277. And it was ironic to me cos, um...
- 278. Cos I was trying to do to her...
- 279. what Eisenhower has been doing
to the country for the last eight years.
- 280. I'm sorry. I can't go through with this.
- 281. I can't get it off my mind, Allison.
It's obsessing me.
- 282. I'm getting tired of it.
I need your attention.
- 283. But it doesn't make any sense.
He drove past the book depository...
- 284. and the police said conclusively
that it was an exit wound.
- 285. So how is it possible for Oswald
to have fired from two angles at once?
- 286. - It doesn't make sense!
- 287. I'll tell you this.
He was not marksman enough...
- 288. to hit a moving target at that range.
- 289. But...
- 290. if there was a second assassin...
- 291. - That's it!
- We've been through this.
- 292. They recovered the shells from that rifle.
- 293. OK. What are you saying now?
- 294. Everybody on the Warren Commission
is in on this conspiracy, right?
- 295. Well, why not?
- 296. Yeah. Earl Warren?
- 297. Hey, honey. I don't know Earl Warren.
- 298. Lyndon Johnson?
- 299. Lyndon Johnson is a politician!
You know the ethics those guys have.
- 300. It's like a notch
underneath child molester.
- 301. Then everybody's in on the conspiracy.
- 302. The FBI and the CIA
and J Edgar Hoover and oil companies...
- 303. and the Pentagon and the men's room
attendant at the White House.
- 304. I would leave out
the men's room attendant.
- 305. You're using this conspiracy theory
as an excuse to avoid sex with me.
- 306. Oh, my God!
- 307. She's right.
- 308. Why did I turn off Allison Portchnik?
- 309. She was beautiful, she was willing,
she was real intelligent.
- 310. Is it the old Groucho Marx joke that
I just don't wanna belong to any club...
- 311. that would have
someone like me for a member?
- 312. Alvy, don't panic! Please stop it!
- 313. It's a mistake to ever bring
a live thing in the house.
- 314. Stop it! Go for that one there.
- 315. Maybe we should call the police.
Dial 911. It's the lobster squad.
- 316. They're only baby ones, for God's sakes.
- 317. - If they're only babies, you pick 'em up.
- All right! All right!
- 318. - Here you go!
- Don't give it to me! Don't!
- 319. Look! One crawled
behind the refrigerator.
- 320. It'll turn up in our bed at night.
- 321. Will you get out of here
with that thing? Jesus!
- 322. Talk to 'em. You speak shellfish.
- 323. Hey, look. Put it in the pot.
- 324. I can't put it in the pot!
I can't put a live thing in hot water!
- 325. You think we're gonna
take him to the movies?
- 326. Oh, good, Alvy. Oh, thank you.
- 327. OK. It's in. It's definitely in the pot.
- 328. Annie, there's a big lobster
behind the refrigerator.
- 329. I can't get it out. This thing's heavy.
- 330. Maybe if I put a dish of butter sauce here
with a nutcracker, it'll run out.
- 331. I'm gonna get my camera.
- 332. I think if I could pry the door off...
- 333. We should have gotten steaks.
They don't run around.
- 334. Goddamn it! Oh, jeez!
- 335. Pick this lobster up. Hold it, please.
- 336. You're gonna take pictures now?
- 337. Alvy, it'll be wonderful. Oh, lovely!
- 338. Oh, God! That's disgusting!
- 339. One more, Alvy. Please!
- 340. Oh, good! Good!
- 341. Here's what I want to know.
Am I your first big romance?
- 342. Oh, no. No, no. Uh-uh.
- 343. Really? Who was?
- 344. There was Dennis
from Chippewa Falls High School.
- 345. Dennis? Local kid? Would
meet you in front of the movie house?
- 346. You should have seen
how I looked then.
- 347. Oh, I can imagine.
The wife of an astronaut.
- 348. Then there was Jerry, the actor.
- 349. Look at you. You're such a clown.
- 350. I look pretty.
- 351. You always look pretty. But that guy...
- 352. Acting is like an exploration of the soul.
It's very religious.
- 353. Like a kind of liberating consciousness.
- 354. It's like a visual poem.
- 355. Is he kidding with that crap?
- 356. Oh, right.
- 357. I think I know exactly what you mean
when you say "religious".
- 358. You do?
- 359. - Oh, come on. I was younger.
- Hey, that was last year.
- 360. It's like when I think of dying.
- 361. - You know how I'd like to die?
- No. How?
- 362. I'd like to get torn apart by wild animals.
- 363. Heavy! Eaten by some squirrels!
- 364. Listen, he was a terrific actor.
He's neat-looking and he was emotional...
- 365. I don't think you like emotion too much.
- 366. Touch my heart... with your foot.
- 367. I may throw up.
- 368. He was creepy.
- 369. I think you're pretty lucky
I came along.
- 370. Oh, really? Well, la-de-da.
- 371. If anyone had ever told me
I would be taking out a girl...
- 372. who used expressions like la-de-da...
- 373. You really like
those New York girls.
- 374. - Well, not just. Not only.
- I'd say so. You married two of them.
- 375. There's Henry Drucker.
He has a chair in history at Princeton.
- 376. The short man is Hershel Kaminsky.
He has a chair in philosophy at Cornell.
- 377. Two more chairs,
they got a dining room set.
- 378. - Why are you so hostile?
- Cos I wanna watch the Knicks on TV.
- 379. Is that Paul Goodman? No.
- 380. Be nice to the host,
because he's publishing my book.
- 381. Hi, Doug!
- 382. Douglas Wyatt. The Foul
Rag and Bone Shop of the Heart.
- 383. I'm so tired of making fake insights
with people who work for Dysentery.
- 384. Commentary.
- 385. Really? I heard Commentary and Dissent
had merged and formed Dysentery.
- 386. No jokes. These are friends, OK?
- 387. Here you are.
- 388. There's people out there.
- 389. Two minutes ago the Knicks are ahead 14
points, and now they're ahead two points.
- 390. Alvy...
- 391. What is so fascinating
about a group of pituitary cases...
- 392. trying to stuff a ball through a hoop?
- 393. What is fascinating is that it's physical.
- 394. Intellectuals prove
you can be absolutely brilliant...
- 395. and have no idea what's going on.
- 396. But, on the other hand,
the body doesn't lie,
- 397. as we now know.
- 398. Stop acting out.
- 399. It'll be great. All those PhDs are in there
discussing modes of alienation,
- 400. and we'll be in here quietly humping.
- 401. Alvy, don't.
You're using sex to express hostility.
- 402. Why do you always reduce my animal
urges to psychoanalytic categories?
- 403. He said, as he removed her brassiere.
- 404. Alvy! There are people out there
from The New Yorker magazine!
- 405. Oh, my God.
- 406. What would they think?
- 407. Damn siren!
- 408. OK. Don't get upset.
- 409. Dammit! I was so close!
- 410. Last night it was a guy honking
his car horn. The city can't close down.
- 411. You wanna have them
shut down the airport too?
- 412. No more flights so we can have sex?
- 413. I'm too tense. I need a Valium.
- 414. My analyst says I should live
in the country and not in New York.
- 415. We can't have this discussion.
The country makes me nervous.
- 416. You've got crickets.
There's no place to walk after dinner.
- 417. The screens
with the dead moths behind 'em.
- 418. You got the Manson family, possibly.
You got Dick and Terry.
- 419. OK! OK! My analyst just thinks I'm
too tense. Where's the goddamn Valium?
- 420. It's quiet now. We can start again.
- 421. I can't. My head is throbbing.
- 422. - You got a headache?
- I have a headache.
- 423. Bad?
- 424. - Like Oswald in Ghosts.
- 425. Where are you going?
- 426. I'm going to take another
in a series of cold showers.
- 427. Max, my serve will send you
to the showers early.
- 428. The failure of the country to get behind
New York City is anti-Semitism.
- 429. Max, the city is terribly run.
- 430. I'm not discussing politics or economics.
This is foreskin.
- 431. Every time some group disagrees
with you, it's because of anti-Semitism.
- 432. The rest of the country sees New York...
- 433. as left-wing, Communist, Jewish,
- 434. I think of us that way sometimes,
and I live here.
- 435. Max, if we lived in California, we could
play outdoors every day in the sun.
- 436. Sun is bad for you. Everything
our parents said was good is bad.
- 437. Sun, milk, red meat, college.
- 438. I know, but I...
- 439. Egad. Here he comes.
- 440. OK.
- 441. Hi!
- 442. You know Alvy? This is Janet.
- 443. This is Annie Hall.
- 444. This is Alvy.
- 445. Who's playing with who?
- 446. You and me against them?
- 447. - I can't play too good, you know?
- I've had four lessons.
- 448. Oh! Yeah!
- 449. Hi!
- 450. Hi. Hi.
- 451. Oh, hi. Hi.
- 452. Well...
- 453. Bye.
- 454. You play very well.
- 455. Oh, yeah? So do you.
- 456. Oh, God. What a dumb thing to say, right?
- 457. You say, "You play well" and then
right away I have to say, "You play well."
- 458. Oh!
- 459. God, Annie. Well...
- 460. Oh, well.
- 461. La-de-da. La-de-da.
- 462. La-la. Yeah.
- 463. You want a lift?
- 464. Oh, why?
- 465. You got a car?
- 466. Me? No. I was gonna take a cab.
- 467. Oh, no. I have a car.
- 468. You have a car?
- 469. I don't understand.
If you have a car, so then...
- 470. why did you say, "Do you have a car?"
like you wanted a lift?
- 471. I don't... I don't...
- 472. Jeez, I don't know. I wasn't...
- 473. It's... I've got this VW out there.
- 474. What a jerk! Yeah.
- 475. Would you like a lift?
- 476. Sure. Which way are you going?
- 477. Me? Downtown.
- 478. I'm going uptown.
- 479. Well, you know, I'm going uptown too.
- 480. You just said you were going downtown.
- 481. Sorry.
- 482. I can go uptown too.
I live uptown, but what the hell!
- 483. It'll be nice having company.
I hate driving alone.
- 484. So where do you know Janet from?
- 485. - I'm in her acting class.
- You're an actress?
- 486. Well, I do commercials, sort of.
- 487. - You're not from New York, right?
- Chippewa Falls.
- 488. - Where?
- 489. You're driving a tad rapidly.
- 490. Don't worry.
I'm a very good driver. I'm good.
- 491. - You want some gum anyway?
- No. No, thanks.
- 492. Hey, don't... No, no.
Would you watch the road? I'll get it!
- 493. - I'll get you a piece.
- So, you drive?
- 494. Do I drive? No.
I've got a problem with driving.
- 495. Oh, you do?
- 496. I've got a licence,
but I have too much hostility.
- 497. Nice car. You keep it nice.
- 498. Can I ask you? Is this a sandwich?
- 499. Huh? Oh, yeah.
- 500. I live over here. Oh, my God! Look!
There's a parking space.
- 501. That's OK.
We can walk to the kerb from here.
- 502. - You want your tennis stuff?
- Huh? Oh. Yeah.
- 503. That's good. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
- 504. Well...
- 505. Thank you.
- 506. You're a wonderful tennis player and...
- 507. you're the worst driver
I've ever seen in my life.
- 508. Anyplace. Europe.
The United... Anyplace. Asia.
- 509. - And I love what you're wearing.
- Oh, you do, yeah?
- 510. Oh, well, it's a...
This tie is a present from Grammy Hall.
- 511. Who? Grammy... Grammy Hall?
- 512. Yeah, my grammy.
- 513. Did you grow up
in a Norman Rockwell painting?
- 514. - Your grammy?
- I know. It's pretty silly, isn't it?
- 515. My grammy never gave gifts. She was
too busy getting raped by Cossacks.
- 516. Well...
- 517. - Thank you again.
- Oh, yeah.
- 518. Hey, you wanna come upstairs
and have a glass of wine or something?
- 519. I mean, you don't have to.
You're probably late.
- 520. No, no. That'd be fine.
I wouldn't mind. Sure.
- 521. I've got time. I've got nothing...
till my analyst appointment.
- 522. Oh, you see an analyst?
- 523. - Yeah. Just for 15 years.
- 15 years?
- 524. I'm gonna give him one more year
and then I'm going to Lourdes.
- 525. 15... Nah! Come on!
- 526. Yeah? Really?
- 527. Sylvia Plath? Interesting poetess
whose tragic suicide...
- 528. was misinterpreted as romantic
by the college-girl mentality.
- 529. Oh, sorry.
- 530. I don't know.
Some of her poems seem neat.
- 531. Neat? I hate to tell you, this is 1975.
- 532. "Neat" went out, I would say,
at the turn of the century.
- 533. Who are those photos on the wall?
- 534. Oh! Well, you see now, uh...
That's my dad.
- 535. That's Father.
And that's my brother Duane.
- 536. - Duane?
- Yeah, right. Duane.
- 537. And over there is Grammy Hall.
And that's Sadie.
- 538. - Who's Sadie?
- Oh, well, Sadie... Ha, ha.
- 539. Sadie met Grammy
through Grammy's brother George.
- 540. George was real sweet.
He had that thing...
- 541. What is that thing where you fall asleep
in the middle of a sentence? What is it?
- 542. - Narcolepsy.
- Narcolepsy! Right!
- 543. So anyway, um... George went to
the union, you see, to get his free turkey.
- 544. The union always gave George
this free turkey at Christmas time...
- 545. because he was shell-shocked
in the First World War.
- 546. Anyway, so George is standing in line -
oh, just a sec - getting his free turkey.
- 547. But the thing is, is that he falls asleep...
- 548. and he never wakes up!
- 549. So... so he's dead!
- 550. He's dead. Yeah.
- 551. Oh, dear.
- 552. Well... Terrible, huh? Wouldn't you say?
I mean, that's pretty awful.
- 553. It's a great story, though.
It really made my day.
- 554. I think I should get outta here
cos I think I'm imposing.
- 555. Really? Well, maybe, um...
- 556. You know, I...
- 557. - You don't have to, you know.
- I'm all perspired and everything.
- 558. Didn't you take a shower at the club?
- 559. Me? No. Cos I never shower
in a public place.
- 560. Why not?
- 561. Cos I don't like to get naked
in front of another man.
- 562. Oh, I see. I see.
- 563. I don't like to show my body
to a man of my gender.
- 564. You never know what's gonna happen.
- 565. - 15 years, huh?
- 15 years, yeah. That's...
- 566. God bless.
- 567. Well... well...
- 568. You're what Grammy Hall
would call "a real Jew".
- 569. Thank you.
- 570. Yeah, well, she hates Jews.
She thinks that they just make money.
- 571. But she's the one.
Is she ever! I'm tellin' you.
- 572. So did you do those photographs
in there or what?
- 573. Yeah. I sort of dabble around,
you know. I dabble?
- 574. They're wonderful, you know.
They have a... a quality.
- 575. Well, I would like to take
a serious photography course.
- 576. Photography's interesting
cos it's a new art form...
- 577. and a set of aesthetic criteria
have not emerged yet.
- 578. Aesthetic criteria?
- 579. You mean whether it's
a good photo or not?
- 580. The medium enters in as a
condition of the art form itself.
- 581. Well... to me... I mean,
it's... it's... it's all instinctive.
- 582. I just try to feel it.
- 583. I try to get a sense of it
and not think about it so much.
- 584. Still, you need a set of aesthetic
guidelines to put it in social perspective.
- 585. Well, I don't know.
- 586. I guess you must be sort of late, huh?
- 587. You know, I gotta get there
and begin whining soon. Otherwise I...
- 588. - Hey, are you busy Friday night?
- 589. Oh, uh, no.
- 590. Oh, I'm sorry! I have something.
- 591. What about Saturday night?
- 592. Nothing. No, no.
- 593. You're very popular, I can see.
- 594. - I know.
- Do you have plague?
- 595. Well, I mean, I meet a lot of jerks.
- 596. I meet a lot of jerks too.
I think that's a...
- 597. But I'm thinking about getting some cats.
- 598. Oh, wait a second. Oh, no, no!
- 599. Oh, shoot! No. Saturday night I'm gonna...
- 600. I'm gonna sing. Yeah.
- 601. You're gonna sing?
Do you sing? No kidding?
- 602. - This is my first time.
- Really? Where? I'd like to come.
- 603. - Oh, no. No, no, no, no!
- I'm interested.
- 604. I'm just... I'm auditioning
at this club. I don't...
- 605. - It's my first time.
- It's OK. I know exactly what that's like.
- 606. You're gonna like nightclubs.
They're really a lot of fun.
- 607. I was awful! I'm so ashamed! I can't sing!
- 608. So the audience was a tad restless.
- 609. What do you mean, a tad restless?
They hated me!
- 610. They didn't! You have a wonderful voice!
- 611. - I'm gonna quit.
- I won't let you. You have a great voice.
- 612. - Really? Do you think so? Really?
- Yeah. It's terrific.
- 613. I never even took a lesson, either.
- 614. Hey, listen. Give me a kiss.
- 615. - Really?
- Because we're just gonna go home later.
- 616. There's gonna be all that tension and I
won't know when to make the right move.
- 617. So we'll kiss now,
we'll get it over with and then go eat.
- 618. - We'll digest our food better.
- 619. OK? So now we can digest our food.
- 620. I'm gonna have the corned beef, please.
- 621. Oh. I'm gonna have pastrami
on white bread...
- 622. with mayonnaise
and tomatoes and lettuce.
- 623. So, um... your second wife left you.
And were you depressed about that?
- 624. Nothing that a few megavitamins
- 625. And your first wife? Allison?
- 626. She was nice, but... That was my fault.
I was just... I was too crazy.
- 627. Mm... Mm...
- 628. That was so nice.
- 629. That was nice.
- 630. As Balzac said,
"There goes another novel."
- 631. - You were great.
- 632. Yeah? Yeah?
- 633. Yeah. I'm wrecked.
- 634. - You're wrecked!
- I mean it.
- 635. I will never play the piano again.
- 636. It was... I don't know.
You really thought it was good?
- 637. Good? Yes.
- 638. That was the most fun I've ever had
- 639. Here. You want some?
- 640. No. I... I don't... use
any major hallucinogenics because I...
- 641. took a puff
about five years ago at a party and...
- 642. Yeah?
- 643. Tried to take my pants off over my head.
- 644. - Got in one ear.
- 645. Well, I don't really...
I don't do it very often.
- 646. It just sort of relaxes me.
- 647. - You're not gonna believe this, but...
- What? What?
- 648. I'm gonna buy you these books
because I think you should read them.
- 649. - Instead of that cat book.
- That's pretty serious stuff there.
- 650. Yeah. Cos I'm obsessed with death,
I think. Big subject with me.
- 651. I have a very pessimistic view of life.
- 652. You should know this
if we're gonna go out.
- 653. I feel that life is divided up
into the horrible and the miserable.
- 654. Those are the two categories.
The horrible would be like terminal cases.
- 655. And blind people. And cripples.
I don't know how they get through life.
- 656. And the miserable is everyone else.
- 657. So you should be thankful
that you're miserable.
- 658. You're very lucky to be miserable.
- 659. Look at that guy.
- 660. In the pink. Mr Miami Beach there.
- 661. He's just come back
from the gin rummy finals.
- 662. Placed third.
- 663. Look at these guys. They're back from
Fire Island. They're giving it a chance.
- 664. - Italian, right?
- Him? Yeah, he's the Mafia.
- 665. Linen supply business
or cement and contracting, I think.
- 666. "Oh, gee!
Must have my moustache waxed."
- 667. There's the winner
of the Truman Capote lookalike contest.
- 668. You are extremely sexy.
- 669. - No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
- 670. You know what you are?
You're polymorphously perverse.
- 671. What does that mean?
I don't know what that is.
- 672. You're exceptional in bed
because you get pleasure...
- 673. in every part of your body when
I touch you. Like the tip of your nose.
- 674. If I stroke your teeth or your kneecaps,
you suddenly get excited.
- 675. You know what? I like you.
- 676. I really do like you.
- 677. Do you love me? That's the key question.
- 678. I know you've only known me
a short while.
- 679. I think that's sort of...
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
- 680. Do you love me?
- 681. Love is... too weak a word for...
the way I feel.
- 682. I lurve you. You know, I loave you.
- 683. I luff you. With two Fs.
Yes, I have to invent...
- 684. Of course I do. Don't you think I do?
- 685. I don't know.
- 686. You're not gonna give up
your apartment, are you?
- 687. Of course.
- 688. - But why?
- I'm moving in with you.
- 689. - But you've got a nice apartment.
- I have a tiny apartment.
- 690. - I know it's small.
- And it's got bad plumbing and bugs.
- 691. Granted. It has bad plumbing and bugs.
You say that like it's a negative thing.
- 692. You know, bugs are...
Entomology is a rapidly growing field.
- 693. - You don't want me to live with you.
- I don't want you to live with me?
- 694. - Whose idea was it?
- 695. It was yours, actually.
But I approved it immediately.
- 696. I guess you think
I talked you into something, huh?
- 697. No! We live together,
we sleep together, we eat together.
- 698. Jesus! You don't want it to be
like we're married, do you?
- 699. - How is it any different?
- Cos you keep your own apartment.
- 700. We don't have to go to it.
We don't have to deal with it.
- 701. It's like a free-floating life raft.
That we know that we're not married.
- 702. That little apartment
is $400 a month, Alvy.
- 703. - That place is $400 a month?
- Yes, it is.
- 704. It's got bad plumbing and bugs.
- 705. Jesus! My accountant will write it off
as a tax deduction. I'll pay for it.
- 706. - You don't think I'm smart enough.
- Hey, don't be ridiculous.
- 707. Then why are you always pushing me
to take college courses like I was dumb?
- 708. Adult education's a wonderful thing.
- 709. You meet interesting professors.
- 710. Does this sound like a good course?
- 711. "Modern American Poetry"?
- 712. Or let's see now. Maybe I should take...
- 713. "Introduction to the Novel".
- 714. Just don't take any course
where they make you read Beowulf.
- 715. What?
- 716. Hey, what do you think? You think we
should go to that party in Southampton?
- 717. Don't be silly.
What do we need other people for?
- 718. We should just turn out the lights
and play hide the salami or something.
- 719. Well, listen,
I'm gonna get a cigarette, OK?
- 720. Grass, right? The illusion that it will make
a white woman more like Billie Holiday.
- 721. - Well, have you ever made love high?
- Me? No.
- 722. If I have grass or alcohol or anything,
I get unbearably wonderful.
- 723. I get too wonderful for words.
- 724. I don't know why you have to get high
every time we make love.
- 725. - Well, it relaxes me.
- You have to be artificially relaxed...
- 726. - ... before we can go to bed?
- What's the difference?
- 727. Take a shot of Sodium Pentothal.
You can sleep through it.
- 728. You've been seeing a psychiatrist
for 15 years.
- 729. You should smoke this.
You'd be off the couch in no time.
- 730. - Come on. You don't need that.
- What are you doing?
- 731. - No, Alvy. Please.
- You can live without it once.
- 732. Wait. I got a great idea.
- 733. Hang in there for a second.
I got a little artefact.
- 734. A little erotic artefact
that I brought up from the city...
- 735. which I think is gonna be perfect.
- 736. There. Create a little
old New Orleans essence.
- 737. Now we can go about our business here...
- 738. and even develop photographs
ifwe want to.
- 739. - Hey, is something wrong?
- No. Why?
- 740. I don't know. It's like you're removed.
- 741. No, I'm fine.
- 742. - Really?
- 743. I don't know. You seem sorta distant.
- 744. Let's just do it, all right?
- 745. Is it my imagination or are you just
going through the motions?
- 746. Do you remember
where I put my drawing pad?
- 747. While you two are doing that,
I think I'm gonna do some drawing.
- 748. - That's what I call removed.
- Oh, you have my body.
- 749. Yeah, but I want the whole thing.
- 750. Well, I need grass.
- 751. Well, it ruins it for me if you have grass.
- 752. I'm a comedian. If I get a laugh
from a person who's high,
- 753. it doesn't count,
cos they're always laughing.
- 754. - Were you always funny?
- What is this? An interview?
- 755. We're supposed to be making love.
- 756. This guy is naturally funny.
I think he can write for you.
- 757. Yeah, yeah. Hey, kid,
he tells me you're really good.
- 758. Let me explain how I work.
- 759. I don't look like a funny guy
like some of the guys that come out.
- 760. You know you're gonna fall down.
- 761. But material's gotta be sensational for me.
I work with very... I'm kinda classy.
- 762. Let me explain. For instance,
I open with an opening song.
- 763. Musical style like -
♪ Bam da dam da da da - and I walk out...
- 764. Then I open with some jokes.
That's where I need you.
- 765. "I just got back from Canada.
They speak a lot of French up there."
- 766. "The word to remember is Jeanne d'Arc.
It means the light's out in the bathroom."
- 767. "I met a big lumberjack..."
- 768. Jesus! This guy's pathetic.
- 769. Look at him mincing around.
- 770. He thinks he's real cute.
You wanna throw up.
- 771. If only I had the nerve
to do my own jokes.
- 772. I don't know how much longer
I can keep this smile frozen on my face.
- 773. I'm in the wrong business. I know it.
- 774. "But... um... chéri...
- 775. what will I do with this?"
- 776. "Oh, Marie!
Sometime you make me so mad!"
- 777. They scream at that! Write me something
like that. A French number. Can you do it?
- 778. Where am I? I have to reorient myself.
- 779. This is the University of Wisconsin, right?
Cos I'm always... tense...
- 780. I have a very bad history with colleges.
I went to New York University.
- 781. And I was thrown out of NYU
in my freshman year...
- 782. for cheating on my metaphysics final.
- 783. I looked within the soul
of the boy sitting next to me.
- 784. My mother,
an emotionally high-strung woman,
- 785. locked herself in the bathroom
and took an overdose of mah-jongg tiles.
- 786. I was depressed at that time.
I was in analysis.
- 787. I was suicidal, as a matter of fact,
and would have killed myself.
- 788. But I was in analysis
with a strict Freudian.
- 789. If you kill yourself, they make you pay
for the sessions you miss.
- 790. Alvy, you were just great.
I'm not kidding. It was...
- 791. - You were so funny.
- College audiences are wonderful.
- 792. And I'm starting to get
more of the references too.
- 793. Are you? Well, the 12 o'clock show's
- 794. I'm really looking forward to tomorrow.
You'll meet Mother and Father.
- 795. - They'll hate me immediately.
- I don't think so.
- 796. I don't think they're gonna hate you at all.
It's Easter. We'll have a nice dinner.
- 797. I think they're gonna really like you.
- 798. It's a nice ham this year, Mom.
- 799. Oh, yeah.
- 800. Grammy always does such a good job.
- 801. A great sauce!
- 802. It is. It's dynamite ham.
- 803. We went over to the swap meet.
- 804. Annie, Gram and I.
We got some nice picture frames.
- 805. We really had a good time.
- 806. Ann tells us that you've been seeing
a psychiatrist for 15 years.
- 807. Yes. I'm making excellent progress.
- 808. Pretty soon when I lie down on his couch,
I won't have to wear the lobster bib.
- 809. - Duane and I went out to the boat basin.
- We were caulking holes all day.
- 810. And Randolph Hunt was drunk. As usual.
- 811. That Randolph Hunt.
You remember Randy Hunt, Annie.
- 812. - He was in the choir with you.
- Oh, yes.
- 813. I can't believe this family.
- 814. Annie's mother is really beautiful.
- 815. And they're talking swap meets
and boat basins.
- 816. And the old lady at the end
of the table is a classic Jew-hater.
- 817. They really look American. Very healthy.
Like they never get sick or anything.
- 818. Nothing like my family.
The two are like oil and water.
- 819. Let him drop dead.
Who needs his business?
- 820. - His wife has diabetes.
- 821. Is that an excuse? Diabetes?
- 822. The man is 50 years old
and doesn't have a substantial job.
- 823. - Is that a reason to steal from his father?
- What are you talking about?
- 824. Sure! Defend him!
- 825. Pass the wurst there.
- 826. Mo Moskowitz, he had a coronary.
- 827. You don't say!
- 828. How do you plan to spend the holidays,
- 829. - We fast.
- 830. No food. To atone for our sins.
- 831. What sins? I don't understand.
- 832. To tell you the truth, neither do we.
- 833. Alvy.
- 834. Hi, Duane. How's it goin'?
- 835. This is my room.
- 836. Oh, yeah? It's terrific.
- 837. Can I confess something?
- 838. I tell you this because,
as an artist, I think you'll understand.
- 839. Sometimes when I'm driving...
- 840. on the road at night, I see
two headlights coming toward me.
- 841. Fast. I have this sudden impulse
to turn the wheel quickly...
- 842. head-on into the oncoming car.
- 843. I can anticipate the explosion.
- 844. The sound of shattering glass. The...
- 845. flames rising out of the flowing gasoline.
- 846. Right. Well...
- 847. I have to go now, Duane, because I...
- 848. I'm due back on the planet Earth.
- 849. - Don't let it be so long.
- Look up Uncle Billy.
- 850. - He is adorable.
- Do you think so?
- 851. - You're taking them to the airport?
- Duane can. I haven't finished my drink.
- 852. Yes, Duane is.
Just a second. I have to get...
- 853. - You followed me.
- I didn't follow you.
- 854. You followed me!
- 855. I was walking behind staring at you.
That's not following.
- 856. - What is your definition of following?
- I was spying.
- 857. - Do you realise how paranoid you are?
- You've got your arms around a guy.
- 858. That is the worst kind of paranoid.
- 859. I didn't start out spying.
I thought I'd pick you up after school.
- 860. You wanted to keep
the relationship flexible, remember?
- 861. You're having an affair
with your professor.
- 862. That jerk that teaches that crap course -
Contemporary Crisis in Western Man?
- 863. Existential Motifs in Russian Literature!
- 864. It's all mental masturbation.
- 865. We finally get to a subject
you know about.
- 866. Don't knock masturbation.
It's sex with someone I love.
- 867. We're not having an affair. He's married.
He just happens to think I'm neat.
- 868. Neat. Are you 12 years old?
- 869. - That's a Chippewa Falls expression.
- Who cares?
- 870. Next he'll find you keen and peachy.
Then he's got his hand on your ass.
- 871. You've always had hostility
- 872. - You call your teacher David?
- It's his name.
- 873. It's a biblical name, right?
What does he call you? Bathsheba?
- 874. Alvy. Alvy, you're the one who never
wanted to make a real commitment.
- 875. You don't think I'm smart enough.
- 876. We had that argument just last month.
Or don't you remember?
- 877. - I'm home!
- Oh, yeah? How did it go?
- 878. Oh, it was really weird,
but she's a very nice woman.
- 879. I didn't have to lie down on the couch.
She had me sitting up.
- 880. I told her about the family
and my feelings towards men...
- 881. and my relationship with my brother.
- 882. She mentioned penis envy.
Do you know about that?
- 883. I'm one of the few males who suffers
from that. Go on. I'm interested.
- 884. She said I was very guilty about my
impulses towards marriage and children.
- 885. Then I remembered, when I was a kid, I
accidentally saw my parents making love.
- 886. All this happened the first hour?
- 887. I've been going for 15 years.
I don't have... nothing like that.
- 888. I told her my dream and then I cried.
- 889. You cried? I have never once cried.
- 890. I whine. I sit and I whine.
- 891. In my dream, Frank Sinatra is holding this
pillow across my face and I can't breathe.
- 892. - Sinatra?
- Yeah. Strangling me.
- 893. Sure. Because he's a singer
and you're a singer.
- 894. It's perfect.
So you're trying to suffocate yourself.
- 895. It's a perfect analytic kind of insight.
- 896. She said your name was Alvy Singer.
- 897. - What do you mean? Me?
- Yeah, you.
- 898. Because in the dream
I break Sinatra's glasses.
- 899. You never said Sinatra had glasses. What
are you saying? That I'm suffocating you?
- 900. God, Alvy. I did this
really terrible thing to him.
- 901. Because then, when he sang,
it was in this real high-pitched voice.
- 902. What did the doctor say?
- 903. I should probably come five times a week.
- 904. I don't think I mind analysis at all. The
only question is, will it change my wife?
- 905. - Will it change your wife?
- My life.
- 906. - You said, "Will it change my wife?"
- I said, "Will it change my life?"
- 907. - You said wife.
- Life! I said life.
- 908. She said, "Will it change my wife?"
You heard that, so I'm not crazy.
- 909. I told her I didn't think
you'd ever take me seriously,
- 910. because you don't think
I'm smart enough.
- 911. Why do you always bring that up?
- 912. Because I encourage you
to take adult education courses?
- 913. You meet wonderful,
- 914. Adult education is such junk.
The professors are so phoney.
- 915. I don't care what you say about David.
He's a fine teacher.
- 916. And why are you following me around?
- 917. - I was following you and David.
- Let's call it quits.
- 918. That's fine. That's great.
I don't know what I did wrong.
- 919. She cooled off to me.
Is it something that I did?
- 920. It's never something you do.
That's how people are. Love fades.
- 921. Love fades? God!
That's a depressing thought.
- 922. I have to ask you a question.
With your wife in bed,
- 923. does she need some kind of
artificial stimulation? Like marijuana?
- 924. We use a large vibrating egg.
- 925. A large vibrating egg?
- 926. Well, I ask a psychopath,
I get that kind of an answer. Jesus!
- 927. Here. You look like a very happy couple.
- 928. - Are you?
- 929. So how do you account for it?
- 930. Uh... I'm very shallow and empty,
- 931. and I have no ideas
and nothing interesting to say.
- 932. - And I'm exactly the same way.
- I see. Well, that's very interesting.
- 933. So you've managed
to work out something, huh?
- 934. Well, thanks very much for talking to me.
- 935. Even as a kid, I always went for the
wrong women. I think that's my problem.
- 936. My mother took me to see Snow White.
Everyone fell in love with Snow White.
- 937. I immediately fell for the Wicked Queen.
- 938. - We never have any fun any more.
- How can you say that?
- 939. You're always leaning on me
to improve myself.
- 940. You must be getting your period.
- 941. I don't get a period!
I'm a cartoon character.
- 942. Can't I be upset once in a while?
- 943. Max, forget about Annie.
I know lots of women you can date.
- 944. I don't wanna go out
with any other women.
- 945. I have got a girl for you. You'll love her.
She's a reporter for Rolling Stone.
- 946. I think there are more people here to see
the Maharishi than there were for Dylan.
- 947. I covered the Dylan concert,
which gave me chills.
- 948. Especially when he sang,
"She takes just like a woman."
- 949. "And she makes love just like a woman.
Yes, she does."
- 950. "And she aches just like a woman."
- 951. "But she breaks just like a little girl."
- 952. After that,
the most charismatic event I covered...
- 953. was Mick's birthday
at Madison Square Garden.
- 954. - That's great. That's just great.
- Did you catch Dylan?
- 955. Me? No, I couldn't make it.
My raccoon had hepatitis.
- 956. You have a raccoon?
- 957. A few.
- 958. The only word for this is transplendid.
- 959. It's transplendid.
- 960. I can think of another word.
- 961. He's God. This man is God.
He's got millions of followers...
- 962. who would crawl across the world
just to touch the hem of his garment.
- 963. Yeah? Must be a tremendous hem.
- 964. - I'm a Rosicrucian myself.
- Are you?
- 965. I can't get with any religion
that advertises in Popular Mechanics.
- 966. Look. There's God
coming out of the men's room.
- 967. It's unbelievably transplendid!
- 968. I was at the Stones concert
when they killed that guy.
- 969. Were you?
I was at an Alice Cooper thing...
- 970. where six people were rushed
to the hospital with bad vibes.
- 971. I hope you don't mind
that I took so long to finish.
- 972. Oh, no. Don't be...
Don't be silly. You know, I...
- 973. I'm starting to get
some feeling back in my jaw now.
- 974. Sex with you
is really a Kafkaesque experience.
- 975. Oh. Thank you.
- 976. I mean that as a compliment.
- 977. I think... I think there's too much burden
placed on the orgasm.
- 978. You know, to make up for
empty areas in life.
- 979. Who said that?
- 980. I don't know. I think
it may have been Leopold and Loeb.
- 981. Hello.
- 982. Oh, hi!
- 983. Uh... no. What...
- 984. What's the matter?
- 985. You sound terrible.
- 986. No. Sure, I...
- 987. What kind of emergency?
- 988. No. Well, stay there. Stay there.
I'll come over right now.
- 989. Just stay there. I'll come right over.
- 990. It's me. Open up. Are you OK?
- 991. What's the matter? Are you all right?
- 992. There's a spider in the bathroom.
- 993. What?
- 994. There's a big, black spider
in the bathroom.
- 995. You got me here at three in the morning
cos there's a spider in the bathroom?
- 996. You know how I am about insects. I can't
sleep with a live thing crawling around.
- 997. Kill it! What's wrong with you?
Don't you have a can of Raid?
- 998. No.
- 999. I told you a thousand times. You should
always keep a lotta insect spray.
- 1000. You never know who's gonna crawl over.
- 1001. And a first-aid kit
and a fire-extinguisher...
- 1002. Give me a magazine, cos I'm a little tired.
- 1003. You make fun of me,
but I'm prepared for anything.
- 1004. An emergency, a tidal wave,
- 1005. Hey, what is this?
Did you go to a rock concert?
- 1006. Yeah.
- 1007. Oh, yeah? Really?
- 1008. How'd you like it?
- 1009. Was it... I mean, was it heavy?
Did it achieve total heavy-ocity?
- 1010. It was just great.
- 1011. Why don't you get the guy
that took you to the rock concert...
- 1012. to come over and kill the spider?
- 1013. I called you. You wanna
help me or not, huh?
- 1014. Since when do you read
the National Review?
- 1015. - What are you turning into?
- I like to try to get all points of view.
- 1016. Then get William F Buckley
to kill the spider.
- 1017. Alvy, you're a little hostile.
You know that?
- 1018. Not only that. You look thin and tired.
- 1019. It's three o'clock in the morning!
You got me out of bed.
- 1020. I ran over here. I couldn't get a taxi cab.
You said it was an emergency.
- 1021. I ran up the stairs. I was a lot more
attractive when the evening began.
- 1022. Are you going with a right-wing
- 1023. Would you like a glass of chocolate milk?
- 1024. Hey, what am I? Your son?
I came over for...
- 1025. I got the good chocolate.
- 1026. - Where's the spider?
- It's in the bathroom.
- 1027. Don't squish it. And after it's dead,
flush it down the toilet a couple of times.
- 1028. Darling, I've been killing spiders
since I was 30, OK?
- 1029. It's a very big spider.
Lotta trouble. There's two of them.
- 1030. I didn't think it was that big,
but it's a major spider. You got a broom?
- 1031. It's at your house. I think I left it there.
I'm sorry. What are you doing?
- 1032. Honey, there's a spider in your bathroom
the size of a Buick.
- 1033. OK.
- 1034. Hey...
- 1035. - What is this? You got black soap?
- It's for my complexion.
- 1036. What, are you joining a minstrel show?
- 1037. Don't worry!
- 1038. I did it. I killed them both.
What are you sad about?
- 1039. What did you want me to do?
Capture 'em and rehabilitate 'em?
- 1040. - Oh, don't go. Please.
- What do you mean, don't...
- 1041. What's the matter?
Are you expecting termites?
- 1042. What's the matter?
- 1043. I don't know. I miss you.
- 1044. - Oh, Jesus. Really?
- Oh, yeah.
- 1045. Oh...
- 1046. - Alvy?
- 1047. Was there somebody in your room
when I called you?
- 1048. - What do you mean?
- Was there... I thought I heard a voice.
- 1049. I had the radio on. I'm sorry -
it was the television set.
- 1050. I was watching...
- 1051. Alvy, let's never break up again.
- 1052. I don't wanna be apart.
- 1053. I think we're both much too mature
for something like that.
- 1054. Living together
hasn't been so bad, has it?
- 1055. No. For me, it's been terrific. You know?
- 1056. Better than either one of my marriages.
- 1057. There's just something different about
you. I don't know what it is, but it's great.
- 1058. You know, I think that if you let me,
maybe I could help you have more fun.
- 1059. I mean, I know it's hard. It's...
- 1060. Alvy, what about...
what if we go away this weekend?
- 1061. Why don't we get Rob, and the three of us
would drive into Brooklyn?
- 1062. We could show you the old
neighbourhood. That'd be fun for you.
- 1063. Yeah, it would.
- 1064. Oh, my God! It's a great day!
- 1065. Watch the road!
You're gonna total the car!
- 1066. I've never even been to Brooklyn.
- 1067. (Rob) Got to see the old neighbourhood.
We can show her the schoolyard.
- 1068. I was a great athlete. Tell her, Max.
The best. I was all-schoolyard.
- 1069. They threw him a football once
and he tried to dribble it.
- 1070. I used to lose my glasses a lot.
- 1071. Oh, look! That's my old house.
That's where I used to live.
- 1072. Holy cow!
- 1073. (Rob) You're lucky. Where I lived
is now a pornographic equipment store.
- 1074. I have some
very good memories there.
- 1075. Your mother and father
fighting all the time?
- 1076. Yeah, and always over
the most ridiculous things.
- 1077. - You fired the cleaner?
- She stole!
- 1078. She's coloured!
They have enough trouble!
- 1079. - She went through my pocketbook!
- They're persecuted enough!
- 1080. - Who's persecuting? She stole!
- So? We can afford it!
- 1081. How can we afford it? On your pay?
What if she steals more?
- 1082. She's a coloured woman from Harlem!
She has no money!
- 1083. She's got a right to steal from us!
Who is she gonna steal from if not us?
- 1084. - You're both crazy!
- They can't hear you, Max.
- 1085. Leo, I married a fool!
- 1086. Hey, Max. What's that?
- 1087. That's the welcome-home party,
1945, for my cousin Herbie.
- 1088. Look. There. That's Joey Nichols.
He was my father's friend.
- 1089. He was always bothering me
when I was a kid.
- 1090. Joey Nichols. See? Nickels.
- 1091. See? Nickels.
- 1092. You see? Nickels.
You can always remember my name.
- 1093. Just think of Joey Five Cents. Ha-ha!
- 1094. That's me! Joey Five Cents!
- 1095. What an asshole.
- 1096. The one who killed me the most
was my mother's sister Tessie.
- 1097. I was always the sister
with good common sense.
- 1098. Tessie was always
the one with personality.
- 1099. When she was younger,
they all wanted to marry Tessie.
- 1100. Tessie Moskowitz had the personality.
She's the life of the ghetto, no doubt.
- 1101. She was once a great beauty.
- 1102. Tessie, they say you were
the sister with personality.
- 1103. I was a great beauty.
- 1104. - How did this personality come about?
- I was very charming.
- 1105. There were many men interested in you?
- 1106. Oh, I was quite a lively dancer.
- 1107. That's very hard to believe.
- 1108. Well, I had a really good day. It was just
a real fine way to spend my birthday.
- 1109. - Your birthday's not till tomorrow.
- But it's real close.
- 1110. Yeah, but no presents till midnight.
- 1111. I wonder what this is.
- 1112. - Happy birthday.
- What is this?
- 1113. Is this a present? Are you kidding?
- 1114. - Yeah. Why don't you try it on?
- Yeah? I don't...
- 1115. - This is more like a present for you.
- It'll add ten years to our sex life.
- 1116. - Yeah. Forget it.
- Here's a real present.
- 1117. Oh, yeah? What is this, anyway?
- 1118. - Check it out.
- Let me see.
- 1119. OK. Let's see.
- 1120. Oh, God!
- 1121. You knew I wanted this.
God! It's terrific. God!
- 1122. Just put on the watch and the...
and that thing and everything.
- 1123. Oh, God. Oh.
- 1124. - Thank you.
- 1125. You were sensational. I told you
if you stuck to it you would be great.
- 1126. And... and you know...
you were sensational.
- 1127. Well, Alvy, they were
just a terrific audience.
- 1128. It makes it really easy for me
because I can be...
- 1129. Excuse me.
- 1130. Hi, I'm Tony Lacey.
- 1131. We just wanted to stop by and say
that we really enjoyed your set.
- 1132. Oh, yeah, really?
- 1133. I thought it was very musical
and I liked it a lot.
- 1134. That's really nice. Thanks a lot.
- 1135. Are you recording? Do you...
Are you with any label now?
- 1136. Me? No.
- 1137. No. Not at all.
- 1138. Well, I'd like to talk to you about that
sometime if you get a chance.
- 1139. - Possibly working together.
- Well, that's nice.
- 1140. Oh, listen. This is Alvy Singer.
Do you know Alvy?
- 1141. No, but I know your work.
I'm a big fan of yours.
- 1142. Thank you very much.
- 1143. This is Shaun and Bob and...
Bob and Petronia.
- 1144. Hi.
- 1145. We're going back to the Pierre.
We're staying at the Pierre.
- 1146. We're gonna meet Jack
and Anjelica and have a drink.
- 1147. If you'd like to come,
we'd love to have you.
- 1148. We can just sit and talk. Nothing...
- 1149. Not a big deal. It's just relaxed.
It would just be very mellow.
- 1150. Remember we have that thing.
- 1151. What thing?
- 1152. Don't you remember we discussed
that thing that we were... We had a...
- 1153. Oh, the thing!
- 1154. Oh, the thing. Yeah.
- 1155. Yeah...
- 1156. Oh, well, if it's inconvenient,
that's fine too. We'll do it another time.
- 1157. Maybe if you're on the coast,
we'll get together and meet there.
- 1158. It was a wonderful set. I really enjoyed it.
- 1159. Nice to have met you. Good night.
- 1160. Bye.
- 1161. What's the matter?
You wanted to go to that party?
- 1162. I don't know.
I thought it might be kinda fun.
- 1163. It would be nice
to meet some new people.
- 1164. I don't think I could take a mellow
evening. I don't respond well to mellow.
- 1165. I have a tendency to...
If I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.
- 1166. It's not good for my...
- 1167. So you don't wanna go to the party.
So what do you wanna do?
- 1168. That was the last day
I remember really having a good time.
- 1169. - We never have any laughs any more.
- I've been moody and dissatisfied.
- 1170. - How often do you sleep together?
- Do you have sex often?
- 1171. - Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.
- Constantly. I'd say three times a week.
- 1172. - The other night Alvy wanted to have sex.
- She would not sleep with me.
- 1173. Then... I don't know... Six months ago
I would have done it just to please him.
- 1174. I tried everything, you know.
I put on soft music and my red light bulb.
- 1175. But the thing is,
since our discussions here,
- 1176. I feel I have a right to my own feelings.
- 1177. I think you would have been happy
because I asserted myself.
- 1178. I'm paying for her analysis. And she's
making progress and I'm getting screwed.
- 1179. I feel so guilty because
Alvy is paying for it.
- 1180. So I do feel guilty
if I don't go to bed with him.
- 1181. If I do go to bed with him, it's like
I'm going against my own feelings.
- 1182. She's making progress and I'm not.
Her progress is killing my progress.
- 1183. Sometimes I think
I should just live with a woman.
- 1184. I don't believe it! You mean to tell me
you guys have never snorted coke?
- 1185. Well, I always wanted to try.
But Alvy, he's very down on it.
- 1186. Don't put it on me. I don't wanna put
a wad ofwhite powder in my nose.
- 1187. There's the nasal membrane.
- 1188. - You never wanna try anything new, Alvy.
- How can you say that?
- 1189. I said that you, I and that girl from your
acting class should have a threesome.
- 1190. - Well, that's sick!
- I know it's sick, but it's new.
- 1191. You didn't say it couldn't be sick.
- 1192. Come on, Alvy.
- 1193. Do your body a favour. Try it.
- 1194. I'm sure it's a lot of fun,
cos the Incas did it.
- 1195. And they were a million laughs.
- 1196. Come on. For your own experience.
You wanna write.
- 1197. It's great stuff. A friend of mine
just brought it in from California.
- 1198. Oh, you know, we're going
to California next week.
- 1199. It's incredible. I'm thrilled, as you know.
- 1200. On my agent's advice, I sold out
and I'm gonna do an appearance on TV.
- 1201. No. That's not it at all.
Alvy's giving an award on television.
- 1202. You act like
you're violating a moral issue.
- 1203. We have to leave New York
during Christmas week, which kills me.
- 1204. Listen, while you're in California, could
you possibly score some coke for me?
- 1205. Oh, sure. I'd be glad to. I'll just put it
in a hollow heel that I have on my boot.
- 1206. How much is this stuff, incidentally?
- 1207. It's about $2,000 an ounce.
- 1208. Really? And what is the kick of it?
Cos I never...
- 1209. (Rob) I've never been so relaxed
as I have been since I moved here, Max.
- 1210. I want you to see my house. I live next to
Hugh Hefner. He lets me use the Jacuzzi.
- 1211. And the women are like
the women in Playboy magazine,
- 1212. only they can move their arms and legs.
- 1213. I can't get over it -
this is really Beverly Hills.
- 1214. The architecture's so consistent.
- 1215. French next to Spanish
next to Tudor next to Japanese.
- 1216. God! It's so clean out here.
- 1217. They don't throw their garbage out.
They make it into TV shows.
- 1218. (Rob) Give us a break, Max.
- 1219. Can you believe this is Christmas?
- 1220. It was snowing and
really grey in New York, naturally.
- 1221. Santa Claus'll have sunstroke.
- 1222. Max, there's no crime.
There's no mugging.
- 1223. There's no economic crime.
- 1224. But there's ritual religious-cult murders.
There's wheat-germ killers out here.
- 1225. While you're out here,
I want you to see some of my TV show.
- 1226. And we're invited
to a big Christmas party.
- 1227. All right now, Charlie,
give me a good laugh here.
- 1228. - ... limousine to the track break down?
- 1229. A little bigger.
- 1230. Max, you realise how immoral this all is?
- 1231. - Max, I got a hit series.
- I know. But you're adding fake laughs.
- 1232. home so early.
- 1233. Give me a tremendous laugh here,
- 1234. We do this show live
in front of an audience.
- 1235. And nobody laughs,
cos the jokes aren't funny.
- 1236. That's why this machine is dynamite.
- 1237. Honey, you'd better lie down.
You've been in the sun too long.
- 1238. Now give me
a medium-sized chuckle here.
- 1239. And then a big hand.
- 1240. Is there booing on that?
- 1241. Oh, Max.
- 1242. I don't feel well.
- 1243. - What's the matter?
- I don't know. I just got... very dizzy.
- 1244. - I feel dizzy, Max.
- Well, sit down.
- 1245. Oh, Jesus!
- 1246. - Are you all right?
- I don't know.
- 1247. - You wanna lie down?
- No. My stomach felt queasy all morning.
- 1248. - How about a ginger ale?
- Oh... Max, no.
- 1249. Maybe I'd better lie down.
- 1250. Why don't you try to get a little
of this down? It's just plain chicken.
- 1251. Oh, no. I can't eat this.
- 1252. I'm nauseous.
- 1253. If you can just give me something
to get me through the next two hours.
- 1254. I have to go out to Burbank
and give out an award on a TV show.
- 1255. There's nothing wrong with you, actually,
so far as I can tell.
- 1256. You have no fever.
No symptoms of anything serious.
- 1257. - You haven't eaten pork or shellfish.
- Excuse me. I'm sorry, doctor.
- 1258. Alvy, that was the show.
They said everything is fine.
- 1259. They found a replacement
so they're going to tape without you.
- 1260. Jesus! Now I don't get to do the TV show?
- 1261. - I know. Listen, doctor.
- I was just saying, I can't find anything.
- 1262. - Nothing at all?
- No. I could get a lab man up here.
- 1263. Can I have the salt, please?
- 1264. Perhaps it would be even better
if we took him to hospital for a day or two.
- 1265. - Hospital?
- Or there's no real way...
- 1266. - ... to tell what's going on.
- This is not bad, actually.
- 1267. Don't tell me we have to walk
from the car to the house.
- 1268. My feet haven't touched pavement
since I reached Los Angeles.
- 1269. I'll take a meeting with you
if you'll take a meeting with Freddy.
- 1270. I took a meeting with Freddy.
Freddy took a meeting with Charlie.
- 1271. All the good meetings are taken.
- 1272. Right now it's only a notion.
But I think I can get money...
- 1273. to make it into a concept,
and then turn it into an idea.
- 1274. - Like this house, Max?
- 1275. I even brought a map
to get us to the bathroom.
- 1276. You should have told me
it was Tony Lacey's party.
- 1277. What difference does that make?
- 1278. - I think he has a thing for Annie.
- No. Unfortunately, Max,
- 1279. - ... he goes with that girl over there.
- 1280. The one with the VPL.
- 1281. - VPL?
- Visible Panty Line.
- 1282. - Max, she is gorgeous.
- Yeah, she's a ten, Max.
- 1283. - Great for you, cos you're used to twos.
- There are no twos, Max.
- 1284. The kind with shopping bags in Central
Park with surgical masks on, muttering.
- 1285. How do you like this couple? They just
came back from Masters and Johnson.
- 1286. Yeah. Intensive care ward.
- 1287. My God. Hey, Max,
I think she's giving me the eye.
- 1288. (Rob) If she comes over,
my brain'll turn into guacamole.
- 1289. - Hi.
- Hi. You're Alvy Singer, right?
- 1290. - Didn't we meet at EST?
- EST? No, I was never to EST.
- 1291. - Then how can you criticise it?
- Oh, he didn't say anything.
- 1292. I came out to get some shock therapy,
but there was an energy crisis.
- 1293. - He's my food taster. Have you two met?
- How you doing?
- 1294. - You taste to see if the food's poisoned?
- Yeah. He's great.
- 1295. You guys are wearing white. It must be
in the stars. Uri Geller must be here.
- 1296. We're gonna operate together.
- 1297. We just need about six weeks. In six
weeks we could cut the whole album.
- 1298. I don't know. This is strange to me.
- 1299. You can come and stay here.
There's a whole wing you can have.
- 1300. - Yeah? Stay here?
- Really. Why are you smiling?
- 1301. I don't know. I don't know.
- 1302. Not only is he a great agent,
but he really gives good meeting.
- 1303. This is a great house. Really.
Saunas, Jacuzzis, three tennis courts.
- 1304. You know who the original owners were?
Nelson Eddy, then Legs Diamond.
- 1305. - Then you know who lived here?
- 1306. Charlie Chaplin.
Right before his un-American thing.
- 1307. That's great.
- 1308. - But you guys are still New Yorkers.
- Yeah, I love it there.
- 1309. I used to live there. I used to live there
for years, but... It's so dirty now.
- 1310. I'm into garbage. It's my thing.
- 1311. This is a really nice
screening room, Tony.
- 1312. There's another thing about New York.
- 1313. If you wanna see a movie, you have to
stand in line. It could be freezing.
- 1314. We saw Grand Illusion here last night.
- 1315. Hey, that's a great film if you're high.
- 1316. Come and see our bedroom.
We did a fantastic thing.
- 1317. No, thanks, man. I'm cool.
- 1318. It's wonderful. They just eat
and watch movies all day.
- 1319. And gradually you get old and die.
- 1320. It's important to make an effort
once in a while.
- 1321. Do you think his girlfriend's beautiful?
- 1322. A tad on the androgynous side,
- 1323. Yeah. I forgot my mantra.
- 1324. That was fun.
- 1325. I don't think California's bad at all.
- 1326. It's a drag coming home.
- 1327. A lot of beautiful women.
- 1328. It was fun to flirt.
- 1329. I have to face facts.
- 1330. I adore Alvy, but our relationship
doesn't seem to work any more.
- 1331. I'll have the usual trouble
with Annie in bed tonight.
- 1332. Why do I need this?
- 1333. If only I had the nerve to break up.
But it would really hurt him.
- 1334. If only I didn't feel guilty
asking Annie to move out.
- 1335. It'd probably wreck her.
But I should be honest.
- 1336. Alvy, let's face it. You know...
- 1337. I don't think our relationship is working.
- 1338. I know. A relationship,
I think, is like a shark.
- 1339. It has to constantly move forward,
or it dies.
- 1340. And I think what we got on our hands
is a dead shark.
- 1341. Whose Catcher in the Rye is this?
- 1342. If it has my name on it,
then I guess it's mine.
- 1343. It sure has... You wrote
your name in all my books...
- 1344. cos you knew this day was gonna come.
- 1345. Alvy, you wanted to break up
just as much as I do.
- 1346. No question. I think we're doing
the mature thing, without any doubt.
- 1347. All the books on death and dying are
yours, and all the poetry books are mine.
- 1348. Denial of Death. This is the first book
that I got you. Remember that day?
- 1349. Jeez, I feel like
there's a great weight off my back. Hm.
- 1350. Oh. Thanks, Annie.
- 1351. Oh, no, no, no. I mean,
I think it's really important for us...
- 1352. to explore new relationships
and stuff like that.
- 1353. There's no question about that. Cos
we've given this a more than fair shot.
- 1354. My analyst thinks this move is key for me.
- 1355. And, you know, I trust her.
Because my analyst recommended her.
- 1356. Why should I put you through
all my moods and hang-ups anyway?
- 1357. And you know what the beauty part is?
- 1358. - We can always get back together again.
- 1359. I don't think many couples could handle
this. Just break up and remain friends.
- 1360. Hey, this one's mine, this button.
I guess these are all yours.
- 1361. Impeach Eisenhower. Impeach Nixon.
- 1362. Impeach Lyndon Johnson.
Impeach Ronald Reagan.
- 1363. I miss Annie. I made a terrible mistake.
- 1364. She's living in Los Angeles
with Tony Lacey.
- 1365. Then the hell with her. If she likes
that lifestyle, let her live there.
- 1366. - He's a jerk, for one thing.
- He graduated Harvard.
- 1367. He may have... Listen, Harvard makes
mistakes too. Kissinger taught there.
- 1368. Don't tell me you're jealous.
- 1369. Yeah. Jealous? A little bit. Like Medea.
- 1370. Can I show you something, lady?
I have here... I found this in the apartment.
- 1371. Black soap. She used to wash her face
800 times a day with black soap.
- 1372. Don't ask me why.
- 1373. Why don't you go out with other women?
- 1374. Well, I tried. But it's... you know,
it's very depressing.
- 1375. This always happens to me.
Quick! Get a broom!
- 1376. What are you making such a big deal
about? They're only lobsters.
- 1377. You're a grown man.
You know how to pick up a lobster.
- 1378. - I'm not myself since I stopped smoking.
- When did you quit?
- 1379. 16 years ago.
- 1380. What do you mean?
- 1381. Mean?
- 1382. You stopped smoking 16 years ago.
Is that what you said?
- 1383. I don't understand.
- 1384. Are you joking or what?
- 1385. Central Park's turning green.
- 1386. Yeah. I saw that lunatic
that we used to see...
- 1387. with the pinwheel hat,
you know, and the roller skates.
- 1388. Listen, I... I want you to come back here.
- 1389. Well... Then I'm gonna
come out there and get you.
- 1390. What do you mean, where am I?
Where do you think I am?
- 1391. I'm at the Los Angeles airport. I flew in.
- 1392. I... Well, I flew in to see you.
- 1393. Hey, listen. Can we not
debate this on the telephone?
- 1394. Because I feel that I got a temperature.
- 1395. And I'm getting my chronic Los Angeles
nausea already. I don't feel so good.
- 1396. Wherever you wanna meet. I don't care.
I'll drive in. I rented a car.
- 1397. I'm driving. What do you...
- 1398. What, is that such a miracle?
I'm driving myself.
- 1399. I'm gonna have the alfalfa sprouts and...
- 1400. a plate of mashed yeast.
- 1401. Hi.
- 1402. You look very pretty.
- 1403. Oh, no. I just lost
a little weight, that's all.
- 1404. Well... you look nice.
- 1405. I've been thinking about it,
and I think that we should get married.
- 1406. Oh, Alvy. Come on.
- 1407. Why? You wanna live out here?
- 1408. It's like living in Munchkin Land.
- 1409. What do you mean?
It's perfectly fine out here.
- 1410. I mean, Tony's very nice.
- 1411. And... well, I meet people
and I go to parties and we play tennis.
- 1412. I mean, that's a very big step for me,
- 1413. I mean, I'm able to enjoy people more.
- 1414. So... you're not gonna
come back to New York?
- 1415. What's so great about New York? It's
a dying city. You read Death in Venice.
- 1416. You didn't read Death in Venice
till I bought it for you.
- 1417. That's right. You only gave me books
with the word "death" in the title.
- 1418. Cos it's an important issue.
- 1419. Alvy, you're incapable of enjoying life.
- 1420. You're like New York City.
You're just this person.
- 1421. You're like this island unto yourself.
- 1422. I can't enjoy anything
unless everybody is.
- 1423. If one guy is starving someplace,
that's... it puts a crimp in my evening.
- 1424. So you wanna get married or what?
- 1425. No. We're friends.
- 1426. I wanna remain friends.
- 1427. OK.
- 1428. Check, please!
- 1429. You're mad, aren't you?
- 1430. Yes, of course I'm mad.
Because you love me. I know that.
- 1431. Alvy, I can't say that that's true
at this point in my life. I really can't.
- 1432. You know how wonderful you are.
- 1433. You know you're the reason that I got out
of my room and that I was able to sing...
- 1434. and get more in touch
with my feelings and all that crap.
- 1435. Anyway, look, I don't wanna...
Listen, listen, listen, um...
- 1436. So what are you up to anyway, huh?
- 1437. The usual, you know. I'm trying to write.
I'm working on a play.
- 1438. So what are you saying? You're
not coming back to New York with me?
- 1439. No. Look...
- 1440. I gotta go.
- 1441. - I flew 3,000 miles to see you.
- I'm late.
- 1442. Air miles. You know what
that does to my stomach?
- 1443. It's a hectic time for Tony.
The Grammies are tonight.
- 1444. - The what?
- He's got a lot of records up for awards.
- 1445. They give awards for that music?
I thought just earplugs.
- 1446. Just forget it!
Let's just forget the conversation.
- 1447. Awards! They do nothing
but give out awards! I can't believe it.
- 1448. Greatest fascist dictator - Adolf Hitler.
- 1449. I know what you're gonna say. I'm not a
great driver. I have some problems with...
- 1450. Can I see your licence, please?
- 1451. Just don't get angry or anything, cos I...
- 1452. I have my licence here.
- 1453. It's a rented car and I... I...
- 1454. Here.
- 1455. Don't give me your life...
- 1456. story.
- 1457. Just pick up the licence.
- 1458. You have to ask nicely cos I've had
an extremely rough day. My girlfriend...
- 1459. Just give me the licence, please.
- 1460. Since you put it that way,
it's hard for me to refuse.
- 1461. I have a terrific problem with authority.
- 1462. It's not your fault. Don't take it personal.
- 1463. So long, fellas. Keep in touch.
- 1464. Imagine my surprise
when I got your call, Max.
- 1465. Yeah. I had the feeling
that I got you at a bad moment.
- 1466. I heard high-pitched squealing.
- 1467. Twins, Max.
- 1468. 16-year-olds.
- 1469. Can you imagine
the mathematical possibilities of that?
- 1470. You're an actor, Max. You should be
doing Shakespeare in the Park.
- 1471. I did Shakespeare in the Park, Max.
I got mugged.
- 1472. I was playing Richard Il, and two guys
with leatherjackets stole my leotard.
- 1473. Max, are we driving through plutonium?
- 1474. It keeps out the alpha rays, Max.
- 1475. You don't get old.
- 1476. You're a thinking person.
How can you choose this lifestyle?
- 1477. What is so incredibly great
about New York?
- 1478. It's a dying city.
You read Death in Venice.
- 1479. You didn't read it till I gave it to you.
- 1480. You only give me books
with "death" in the title.
- 1481. - It's an important issue.
- You are totally incapable of enjoying life.
- 1482. You're like New York. You're an island.
- 1483. OK. If that's all that we've been
through together means to you,
- 1484. I guess it's better if we just
say goodbye, once and for all.
- 1485. You know, it's funny, after all the serious
talks and passionate moments,
- 1486. that it ends here, in a health-food
restaurant on Sunset Boulevard.
- 1487. Goodbye, Sunny.
- 1488. Wait.
- 1489. I'm gonna go with you.
- 1490. I love you.
- 1491. What do you want? It was my first play.
- 1492. You know how you're always trying to
get things to come out perfect in art...
- 1493. because it's real difficult in life.
- 1494. Interestingly, however,
I did run into Annie again.
- 1495. It was on the Upper West Side
- 1496. She had moved back to New York.
She was living in SoHo with some guy.
- 1497. And when I met her, she was dragging
him in to see The Sorrow and the Pity,
- 1498. which I counted as a personal triumph.
- 1499. Annie and I had lunch
sometime after that and...
- 1500. just kicked around old times.
- 1501. After that,
it got pretty late and we both had to go.
- 1502. But it was great seeing Annie again.
I realised what a terrific person she was...
- 1503. and how much fun it was
just knowing her.
- 1504. And I thought of that old joke, you know.
- 1505. This guy goes to a psychiatrist
- 1506. "Doc, my brother's crazy.
He thinks he's a chicken."
- 1507. And the doctor says,
"Well, why don't you turn him in?"
- 1508. And the guy says,
"I would, but I need the eggs."
- 1509. Well, I guess that's pretty much now
how I feel about relationships.
- 1510. You know, they're totally irrational
and crazy and absurd and...
- 1511. But I guess we keep going through it
because most of us need the eggs.