Based on the hit web series of the same name, a disgruntled gamer must overcome his fear of the worst video game of all time in order to save his fans. Hilarity ensues as a simple road trip becomes an extravagant pursuit of the unexpected.......
!req Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie 2014 [02:32]
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1. That ought to do it.
2. The Atari 2600 was the pioneer in home video game systems.
It created a cultural phenomenon, but most
3. importantly, a ripe industry gaining billions of dollars. Atari's success and brand
loyalty was so strong,
4. they were able to produce games as cheaply and quickly as possible. But in 1982, it
would all come to an end.
5. This is when they produced a game based on the highest grossing film of that year,
Steven Spielberg's
6. Eee Tee. The man chosen to program the game was Howard Scott Warshaw,
based off the previous success of
7. Yars' Revenge and Raiders of the Lost Ark. Under normal circumstances,
programming a game took Warshaw six to
8. seven months. For Eee Tee, he was only given five weeks in order to meet the
deadline for the Christmas shopping season.
9. The end result was a strange and incoherent game that alienated devoted gamers.
10. To this day, it's viewed as the biggest commercial failure in video gaming history.
Atari suffered a 536 million
11. dollar loss, not only bankrupting the company, but bringing the entire industry down
with it,
12. an event known as the Video Game Crash of 1983. As a result of overproduction,
over two million
13. copies of the game were said to have been buried somewhere in the New Mexico
desert.
14. And that is why we at Cockburn Inc. will be making Eee Tee 2 for today's most
advanced video gaming platforms.
15. But will fans be eager to buy a game based off of such a reputation, even though
the new version will be better?
16. Oh. Well, that's the beauty, Mr. Cockburn. It won't be better. We'll make it even
worse.
17. Did you say worse? >> Oh, absolutely! It's called outside-the-box marketing. >>
This is highly irregular. >> I know. >> Research shows gamers these days
18. are playing games they hate. They think bad is the new good. Consequently, we'll
cut our expenses and double our profits.
19. If people hate the games they're playing, why are they still playing them?
20. Oh, because of this guy.
21. And for him to endorse it, it's almost too brilliant.
22. This is the vile crap I had to
23. grow up with as a kid. Gamers today are so lucky. They never have to encounter
anything that sinks to this level of filth.
24. Ah, man! There's so many projectiles on this screen. It's impossible
25. to avoid. It'd be easier to go out in a thunderstorm and try to dodge rain. You touch
the floors, you die. You touch the walls,
26. you die. You touch the ceiling, you die. You die, you die, you die, die, die, die, die,
die, die! >> Ha ha ha ha ha!
27. So there's this guy on the Internet called the Angry Video Game Nerd, and he
claims that he's reviewing all these old, shitty video games to give closure on all the
28. ruined childhoods. >> Like what were they thinking? >> I fucking love the Nerd. >>
Your accuracy in this game has to be so precise that
29. hitting your mark is like trying to piss into a shot glass that's spinning on a record
player that's strapped to a running cheetah's back while you're
30. riding on a unicycle blindfolded. >> Ha ha ha. >> In other words, it's pretty hard. >>
Ha ha ha. >> They just want to cover up the truth
31. with their awesome cover that makes the game look great when really, it just rips
kids off their hard-earned allowance money. >> What you do
32. for all of us is a public servicing. >> You're, you're so much the awesomeness. >>
It's both a form of kind of retroactive
33. revenge, but it's also therapeutic. >> It would be easier to pick fly shit out of pepper
while wearing boxing gloves.
34. Crazy dude. He's freaking crazy! >> Oh, man. I remember that game. >>
Awesome! >> We are your biggest fans.
35. Drew you this picture. >> Love the Nerd. >> I drew
36. a little portrait. >> I got your custom t-shirt right here. >> Well, who else can you
think of that actually cuddles up with the AVGN plush doll every night?
37. Got a Angry Video Game Nerd tattoo. >> I got that immortalized in ink. >> Who
goes around punching snakes and spiders?
38. I am your biggest fan from Germany. >> Greetings from Cleveland. >> Norway.
Toronto, Ontario. >> Mexico City. >> Dallas, Texas. >> From Italy. >> New York.
39. England. >> Scotland. >> Sweden. >> Ukraine. >> Tennessee. >> Chile. >>
Brazil. >> Angry Video Game Nerd episodes helped me to learn English. >> This
game is a blizzard of
40. balls. It's a catastrophe of ass. >> The suffering of someone is the pleasure of
another.
41. I try to respect the pain that you go through. >> Could you please review Eee Tee
for the Atari 2600?
42. I mean it's the worse game of all time. >> >> Heard legends
of it that it's buried in the landfill somewhere.
43. Let's just keep this one buried. >> Why is it called Xenophobe, anyway? Well,
apparently it
44. means having a fear of anything foreign. Well, if by foreign it means a drooling, alien
creature that's gonna kill me, you bet your ass
45. I fear it. >> When in the name of the ass are you going to do the Eee Tee? >> You
are my last hope.
46. Please do Eee Tee. >> Where the fuck is Eee Tee? >> It sucked balls. Glug,
glug, glug. You see, is it really that hard?
47. Review Eee Tee. >> Why not Eee Tee? You drink tea. >> Review Eee Tee. >>
Are you on the Internet again? >> Eee Tee. >> Eee Tee.
48. The game just goes on and on and on. I don't think there's an ending. The only
49. objective I can think of is to rack the score up to 999,999. But no, it stops at
50. 999,990. That is nine video game points you will never have. So, when does the
game end?
51. When you shut the fucker off and throw it out your window. >> Back up, back up.
52. Here's to Xenophobe, Xeno fucking piece of dog shit!
53. Oh, cut, cut. >> Perfect take,
54. Nerd. Nice throw, man. Want another angle? >> Cooper, I
appreciate the help, but usually I film these videos all by myself.
55. Wanna wide shot? >> No. >> Closeup? >> No. >> An over-the-shoulder? >> No!
A behind-the-knee shot? >> What?
56. Hm, alright. That one is gonna be good. >> Alright. We're late for work.
57. If you want to be a nerd like me, you got to make some unique sacrifices. No
physical fitness,
58. no social popularity, and most important, no girls. Nerds before birds.
59. That's the way.
60. Holy mother of God! >> Do you see that, Nerd?
61. They're making Eee Tee 2. That means you're finally gonna review the original Atari
Eee Tee, right? >> Cooper, this is too much to comprehend.
62. And no, I'm never reviewing Eee Tee. >> But, but the timing is perfect, man. You
have to do it now. >> I'd rather suck the dry shit out of a dog's ass
63. fur. >> You know it's your most requested game. You get emails about it all the time.
You're still checking my emails? >> I got to!
64. 'Kay, let's go to work. >> You know it's considered the worse game of
65. all time, right? >> Oh, trust me; I know. That illogical gameplay. We don't know what
to do. Falling in the pits over and over again.
66. It brings my piss to a boil. >> Well, then why not do it, man? It'd be perfect. I'll help if
you want.
67. Have you watched my videos yet? >> No, what is it, Super Video Dude? >> No,
man. It's Super Rad Video
68. Game Dude. >> Ah, rad. >> Hey, Angry Video Game Nerd! >> Hey, how you doing?
Hey, I saw your last review and I was laughing my ass off.
69. I just had to go buy the game on eBay and see how bad it was and man, you were
right. >> Whoa, whoa. No, no. >> Yeah.
70. Herb, can I see you in here for a moment?
71. Hello. No, you listen to me, you sick fuck!
72. No, yours is sick fuck. You're sicker than fucking sick. Yeah, and I have the DNA
73. to prove it! Alright, I'll see you at 8. What do you want? >> You called me here.
74. Oh, right, Herb. I'm sorry about that. Look, Herb, I, I just wanted to tell you there's
gonna be a couple of changes.
75. But my name is Nerd, Mr. Swann. >> My fucking father's name was Mr. Swann.
76. Please call me John. Now one of the things we're gonna change is that you're
gonna start
77. wearing these. Yeah, let's see. Oh, that looks great.
78. But more importantly, a shipment of War Duty 3000 came in today.
79. And because you're the fucking expert, I was fucking wondering just off the top of my
head,
80. do you think we should put it in the front display? >> I don't think that's a good idea.
81. Bullshit! That's going in the front display, and it's your job to sell it. >> But I can't
sell people
82. games that look this unbelievably bad. I don't even play most of these newer games.
Go for the gun! >> I'd rather not.
83. Go for the gun! Take it out of my hand! You're gonna sell it. I don't give a shit
about your happy horseshit
84. Sega games or the Gamekid or all that shit. What's ever on that shelf, you get it
sold!
85. Hello. What? It's a boy? Aw. No, I knew my semen
86. was good. >> Hey! Angry Video Game Nerd.
87. Hey. >> Hey, what's you holding there? >> War Duty 3000. >> Oh, did you play
it?
88. What, are you kidding me? Just looking at it makes me feel like having an anal
evacuation. I'd rather have a dick right on my forehead so every day is a struggle not
to shoot piss
89. into my own mouth until I eventually drown only to get reincarnated as another dick
on my now lifeless body.
90. Ha ha ha. Well, now I got to buy it. I can't wait to tell everybody that the Angry
Video Game Nerd
91. yelled and spat on this game.
92. Oh, and what do you think of that? They're putting out Eee Tee 2.
93. It can't be as bad as the original, though, right? You know what? I heard that Atari
recalled all of the cartridges
94. and buried them somewhere in the middle of the desert because the game was so
bad. Worst video game of all time. Ha ha ha ha.
95. Oh, you should review Eee Tee!
96. No. >> Can you review Eee Tee? I think you should review Eee Tee. >> Yeah,
come on, Nerd. Review Eee Tee for all the fans. >> No. >> When the new
Spider-Man movie came out,
97. what game did you review? >> Spider-Man. >> And when the new Transformers
movie was released,
98. what game did you review? >> Transformers. >> So, the new Eee Tee is here. The
time is right.
99. Do Eee Tee. Eee Tee! >>
100. No!
101. Nerd! Wait, wait. I'm sorry. It's just that we really want to know what you think of
that game. Can you at least tell me? Off the record.
102. Alright, it sucks ass through a straw. That game is proof that we failed as a
human race. It's a horrible abomination
103. that fucks you harder than life itself, and I wish I could send every single cartridge off
the face of this earth!
104. See? That's exactly what you say in the video. >> I can't even be pissed off and
have it mean anything anymore. >> It's better to get
105. pissed off than to get pissed on. >> There's one thing that I could
106. never get to the bottom of. >> Hm. >> Why is that Eee Tee game so infamously
popular? >> Well, it's the worse game,
107. but it's the greatest game story ever told. I mean when gamers found out Eee Tee
was buried in that landfill,
108. it became forever buried in our conscious minds. >> You really believe they buried
two million cartridges in the fucking desert?
109. Yeah! Well, how can you dispute the dozens of eyewitness accounts, hundreds
of online articles, testimonies from
110. New Mexico high schoolers, reporters? Even the mayor of Alamogordo for Pete's
sake. Here, take the wheel.
111. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I mean it doesn't make any sense. So, they give the game to
one person
112. to design in five weeks, and perpetually make bad games over and over again with
the mentality that people would just buy them.
113. And now you're saying they buried all the cartridges? That's bullshit. They would
have recycled all those cartridges. They were so stingy,
114. they would have reused every piece of plastic and saved every last cent. >> Here's a
photo of the actual game carts >> Whoa. >> laying at the
115. bottom of the landfill. >> You got to be kidding me. This is the shittiest photo I've ever
seen. Looks like it's been put through a copy machine 100 times.
116. I don't see any games in there! It's no better than a picture of the Loch Ness Monster
showing the loch with nothing in it or a picture
117. of Bigfoot shown in the woods with nothing in it or a picture of a UFO showing the
sky with nothing in it. This is a picture of a landfill
118. with nothing fucking in it! >> Hey, I happen to have seen Bigfoot twice; two of them.
Oh, you saw two Bigfoots? >> Mm-hm.
119. Would they be Bigfeet? >> They had big feet. Mandi!
120. Oh, we're just pulling up. We'll be there in a sec. >> Who's that? Where are we
going? >> Just trust me.
121. Give me a Rock. Rolling.
122. Are you the Nerd? >> Um, uh, yeah.
123. Oh, my god! This is so cool. Would you sign my breasts?
124. I'm his manager. I handle all the important documents. >> Really? Oh, okay.
125. There you go. >> Bye. >> Holy shitskies, man.
126. I'm never taking a shower again. >> She got them big-ass titties. I'd like to bang
that booty like ah,
127. uh. >> Hey, stop that. Stop! Always remember the golden rule. Nerds
128. before birds, right? >> Hi, Cooper. Hey, Nerd, my man. >> Hey. >> What's up?
Alright, give me just a minute and I'll come over to that table.
129. Wait, what the hell is this? >> This is a tremendous career move. Just hear her
out. >> Mr. Nerd,
130. I'm Mandi with Cockburn Inc. I've been talking with Cooper on
131. email for so long. It's great to finally meet the Nerd himself. I know how extremely
busy you both are, so I'm not gonna rattle on and on. >> Thanks.
132. I would like to present you with an exciting opportunity to review our newest
game. Obviously we at Cockburn Inc. have seen all of
133. your videos. They're brilliant. So, we knew that this game would be right up your
alley.
134. But talk is cheap, right, boys? So I'll let this demo walk the walk, so to speak.
135. Ooh, ooh. >> So what do you think about that, Nerd?
136. So that's a yes?
137. And then you just automatically assumed I'd be cool with this? >> Well, you
never said anything
138. about not reviewing the new Eee Tee game. >> Oh, but don't you understand? If I
review the new one, I'm only gonna end up having to do the old one too.
139. Then why not do both? > I can't. I physically can't play that game. It caused me
so much torment as a child,
140. I'd rather quit reviewing games permanently. >> You know what? You're right. You
should find something else. I can see you doing a lot of things.
141. Shrimp boat captain, iron working, nuclear decontamination tech, roofing, reviewing
the new Eee Tee game.
142. No! >> Come on. Just think it over. Anyway, I better get inside. Mom's gonna kill
me if I'm not inside before the streetlights come on.
143. Cooper? Get your ass in here! Didn't I tell you to get in before the streetlights
come on? >> Gotta go. Bye. >> Where have you been? See, uh-huh.
144. You was at that young girl titty bar. Didn't I tell you to stay away from the titties?
145. No!
146. Whoa!
147. Oh, oh. Ah!
148. Oh no. Not again! Whoa!
149. Oh, couldn't I just wake up after the first fall?
150. Ah! You motherfucker. Ah!
151. You fucking piece of shit! Ah!
152. Even my dreams are low-budget.
153. Oh, my god. They found it. I don't know how, but they found it.
154. No! No! No!
155. Whoa! Ah! Ah!
156. Ah!
157. Ah!
158. Whoa! Ah!
159. I have to save the fans.
160. Noob.
161. Come on, they nerfed PvP. And you still using those items. That's level 15,
162. level 26 already. Nerd! What's up, man?
163. Cooper, is this thing working, can you hear me? >> Yeah, dude, you're moving so
slow, man. Here, take this item.
164. What? >> Equip it. >> Equip it? Okay. >> No, the other hand. >> Cooper,
165. we need to do something about this Eee Tee game. We need to bury it in the past
where it belongs and prevent future generations
166. from being emotionally scarred. >> Dude, you can't do that. That's the most popular
bad game of all time. >> I know. It's all because of that stupid landfill
167. story. Hm. Yeah.
168. Cooper, meet me outside right now. >> Alright, just let me finish this level. >> Now!
169. Oh, man. My mom is gonna kill me.
170. Psst. Cooper! >> Shh.
171. Whoa!
172. Alright, hurry up and tell me about this crazy plan of yours. >> We're gonna find that
landfill and prove that there's nothing under
173. there. Maybe then everybody can forget about this game. >> My mom doesn't let me
wipe my own ass, let alone go to Alamogordo, New Mexico.
174. Then fine, stay home and be a mama's boy, but there's no chance you'll ever see
me review that game. But if we find any games under
175. that sand, I'll review it. In fact, I'll play every single one of them. >> Oh, okay. It's a
deal. But the only way to properly search that landfill
176. would be with ground-penetrating radar and a whole excavation team. >> Heh, well,
then let's do it! >> We can't afford that.
177. Hm, you want to play manager? Well, then you manage that. >> Play?
178. Yeah! How do you like your new Nerdmobile, boys? >> Ah, it's great! >> Yeah?
You love it?
179. And like I said, everything is fully paid for and endorsed by Cockburn, Inc. We're
going to video document
180. the trip. It will be great content to lead up to your big game review. Oh, and Nerd,
there's going to be a whole excavation team waiting there
181. with ground-penetrating radar just like you asked. Let me help you with that.
182. New game review? I didn't agree to this. >> You're gonna have to review this new
game if you want to debunk the old one.
183. It's a fair trade. >> Well, ah, I wasn't. Really don't like the idea
184. of bringing this girl with us. >> Relax, Nerd. She's our producer. And she's not a girl,
she's a gamer. >> Hi guys.
185. Everything alright over there? Good. >> At a time like this,
186. the fans need you more than ever, Nerd.
187. You know what? I don't think this van has a radio. And I brought a lot of things to
install in our van:
188. GPS, mobile internet access, roof camera. But I forgot to think about music. >> Don't
worry, I got the music
189. covered. >> Nice, you got an MP3 player? >> No. >> CD player? >> No. >> Cassette?
8 Track? >> No. >> Th, then
190. what do you got? Is this a joke?
191. Nerd, Eee Tee?
192. You should kill that guy. You see that guy right there? >> That's me.
193. There, I just posted an announcement that you're doing the Eee Tee 2 review.
194. Um.
195. No.
196. I don't know Mandi, this excavation project is costly.
197. What does it have to do with the Nerd's Eee Tee 2 review? >> Just trust me, Mr.
Cockburn. With the Nerd behind this,
198. plus the video documenting the trip, we'll make a million times the cost. >> Well, we
like how you think outside the box, but
199. since this is your first big project, let me give you a little advice. Don't get too close to
these nerds. They are the product.
200. Eh, you can't sell something if it becomes too precious to part with. >> Don't worry,
Mr. Cockburn.
201. They're just a couple of dorks. I'll get you some video ASAP. Over and out.
202. Hey, we're almost there, Nerd.
203. Is that our whole excavation team?
204. Yeah. Well, there's been some budget cuts.
205. Alright, whatever. Let's film this. >> I'm so excited! My first Nerd video.
206. Alright. >> Rolling. >> Out here in the New Mexico desert, something allegedly
happened
207. many years ago. Yeah, we're talking Eee Tee, extraterrestrial and we're gonna get
to the bottom of it.
208. General Dark Onward, sir. I think we may have something a little disconcerting
here. Sounds like they're looking for extraterrestrials.
209. What? >> Yes, sir. I fear espionage. Maybe they're just tourists. Maybe again,
210. maybe they're terrorists. >> Tourists, terrorists, what's the difference? Scan their
vehicle.
211. They say Eee Tee is buried under the sand, somewhere not too far from where
we are now.
212. And we're gonna solve the whole case. >> I'll take care of this. >> And present all the
facts and prove what is there.
213. So stand by, from the Nerd. >> General! If you don't mind me saying, sir,
214. that's a little excessive, sir. >> Well, maybe you're right.
215. Send an MP unit to search their vehicle. Make sure they don't have anything that will
216. threaten homeland security. >> Yes, sir. >> On second thought. >> Sir. >> I think I
should
217. supervise this mission personally. >> I don't think that will be necessary, General.
You're needed for more vital
218. things, sir. >> Well, I insist. If something important's about to blow up, I want to be
there.
219. Yes, sir. >> Goddamn terrorist
220. alien hunters. I'll blow their nuking asses out that ship and back again.
221. Hey guys, you find anything? >> Nope, not yet. >> Come on, patience, Nerd. It's
gonna take a while to analyze the data.
222. Well, I hate to be the one to debunk the myth, but it's got to be done. You know,
one day you find out there's no Santa Claus.
223. Any other line of thinking only leads to disappointment. >> Wait, that's not true. Santa
Claus is real.
224. Yeah? Well, you probably believe the world is flat. >> The world is flat.
225. So, how come nobody's ever fallen off? >> Gravity? >> Oh, okay. Well uh, hasn't
the world
226. been photographed from space? >> Have you ever examined a photograph of the
world from space? I mean, you can only see one side at a time.
227. See, the earth is flat, like a coin. And the water and land roll over it like a conveyor
belt. That's why we have day and night.
228. Well, what about heaven and hell? Do you believe in that? >> Yeah, that all
comes down to Death Mwauthzyx and that's a known fact of nature.
229. Death Mwa, what? >> Death Mwauthzyx. You don't know about that? >> No.
230. Please educate me. >> Death Mwauthzyx is a cyber mutant death god living under
Mount Fuji. He created both God and Satan.
231. Yeah, sure. >> No, I swear. This is all true. And this thing has the power to end all
life as we know it.
232. With a single turn of the satellite dish on top of his head, every universe and the
Multiverse will disappear.
233. The Ultraverse and the Megaverse will collapse. The six dimensions will flatten into
one and all existence will be obliterated.
234. Oh, wow. So, everything you believe exists will no longer exist?
235. No, it'll be as if it never existed at all. >> So, non-existence, no space, nothing?
236. Nope. Well, one thing will remain, bologna sandwich. >> So, like,
237. a giant bologna sandwich, or just like a regular? >> No size. I mean, since nothing
else
238. exists in existence to compare it to, this thing would be scaleless. >> Wow.
239. Scaleless. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. >> It's the fuzz!
240. We don't have a permit. I'm gonna make a run for it. >> Cooper! >> Get in the truck.
Come on, stop! Don't be
241. so suspicious. >> Yeah, man. Just play it cool. It's fine.
242. Put your hands on the vehicle. What have you guys
243. got in the back of that big van, huh? You got some migrant workers? You got some
sex traffic? You got some drug mules?
244. You guys got some cocaA-na shoved up your butts? >> No ma'am, just video
games.
245. Get me the fuck out of here! >> Just let me handle this, okay? I'm sorry, ma'am.
246. We didn't know that we were doing anything wrong. >> Put your hands on the
vehicle. >> Alright, alright honey. Don't get your panties in a wad.
247. I'm not wearing any panties. >> Hot.
248. Get me into that. What the hell? Oh, goddamn it, men. You had two days. You
could have had a ramp installed.
249. Sorry sir, it's hard to keep track of your accidents. >> Check out that van.
250. Well, what you got back there? >> It's just video games. >> Just video games?
251. Look at me, son. You trying to steal American government secrets? >> No, sir.
We're just trying to do a game review.
252. See? >> Gun! >> Ooh, you listen to
253. me, numb-nuts. You see this? >> Please, god, no. >> This will put a second anus
where your head used to be, goddammit.
254. You fuck with the USA, you fuck with Dark Onward. You want this? >> No! >> Oh, my
god! Where the hell
255. are you all going? Help me! Oh, my god. Where's my fucking arm?
256. Get in! >> Come on, in the van. >> I have to give it a proper burial. >> Come on,
257. in the van. >> That's gonna leave a mark, oh.
258. Ah, hang on, they're not after us anymore. >> Yeah, they are. >> Oh, sh. >> That's
alright, hang on. >> After them, McButter. Get going! >> Brilliant idea, sir.
259. Don't we have any weapons aboard this vehicle? >> No, sir. We took them out so
we could fit your chair, sir.
260. Okay, hang on. >> Oh, shit. >> The hell's the matter with this damn thing?
261. You're in it, sir? >> Hang on, bitches. I got this. >> Really? >> Whoa.
262. What the hell are all these fucking boxes doing here? >> Oh, god. Wait, wait.
263. What the hell is that? >> Fruit, sir. >> My god,
264. did you see the size of those melons? Take a note, McButter. Ha ha ha.
265. Watch out for the people. >> Straight through. Straight through.
266. I didn't sign up for this. >> Oh, just chill out. >> Make this thing go faster.
267. Get the thing going. >> It helps if you shake me, sir. >> Really? >> No.
268. Ah! >> Whoa!
269. Oh, my god. Glass, a sheet of glass. >> It's alright
270. Shit soup. >> Thank you. >> Just keep going.
271. Would you like a steering wheel in the back, sir? >> Yes, I would. >> Look out!
No, no.
272. No!
273. What? Explanation McButter? >> Glass, sir.
274. Double pane, sir. >> Good driving. >> Thanks.
275. Looks like doing an Eee Tee review will be tough now. >> Darn, just when I was
finally warming up to the idea.
276. Really? >> No. >> Aw. >> What was that madman shouting about? We did nothing
wrong. >> Something about government secrets.
277. You know, we're only a couple of hours away from Roswell, so. >> Oh, yeah. Isn't
that where the UFO crashed? >> Yes, in 1947. >> Oh, for the love of Pong.
278. One hoax at a time. There's probably a perfectly logical reason why those fuck nuts
didn't want us near that landfill.
279. Whoa, did, did you see that? >> I guess they didn't destroy it totally. >> No, no, it
just came back together.
280. No, that didn't happen. We're dehydrated and hallucinating. >> I don't know why,
but I'm sure there's more to this game than we realize.
281. We should go to the source, Howard Scott Warshaw. >> The guy who made the
game, seriously?
282. Yeah, why not? I'll just pull up his location. >> Okay. Fine, he'll agree
283. that there are no games under that landfill. Even better, we'll get him saying it on
video.
284. He made Yars' Revenge, but he also made Eee Tee I mean it's like, somebody
285. gave you a present, but then took a shit on your doorstep at the same time. >> It's
like Santa with diarrhea.
286. So uh, this is Warshaw's house? >> Jeez. >> Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
287. Hm. >> Eh, at least he's hospitable. >> It smells. >> Read the sign!
288. Whoa! >> You're never gonna take me alive, you no-good, goddamn gumshoe
son of a bitch.
289. Whoa. Wait, wait, wait. We, we just want to ask you some questions about Eee
Tee.
396. Yes, yes! >> Oh, come on. Don't use your hands. >> Oh, yes.
397. Oh, look at that. >> Yeah, it feels good. >> You cheated. >> No, I didn't cheat. I
won. That's what that looks like.
398. You're a cheater. >> I won. >> You did. >> Cheater, shut up. >> Uh. >> Nuh. >>
Uh. >> Uh. >> Uh. >> Uh.
399. Cockburn, it's 3 a.m. Hello?
400. Are, are you there? Hey, listen. Listen, Mandi. You, you've got to meet iii morning
at the Atari landfill. Wait. Cockburn, you're,
401. say that again. You're, you're breaking up. >> I, I got the most incredible idea you
ever heard. We are gonna do a game convention advertising
402. Eee Tee 2 at the Atari landfill. >> No, no. Cockburn, listen to me carefully.
403. Do iii go to the landfill. >> What? Go to the landfill? Okay. >> No. No, do not go
to the landfill.
404. Yeah, meet me there in the morning. It's gonna be amazing. There's gonna be
like tents and there's gonna be snacks and there's gonna be,
405. jeez, you know, gamers gaming with each other and everything. Alright, I'll see you
in the morning. >> Oh, shit.
406. General, we're closing in on Zandor's house
407. as we speak. >> You never cease to please me, McButter. >> Wait a minute. Every
time the radar swipes over Zandor's house, it's at
408. a different coordinate. >> General, scratch that. We don't seem to have the right
location. The radar's jumping all over the place.
409. You never cease to disappoint me, McButter. >> Yes, sir.
410. Hello? Cockburn? Shit. >> Wait a minute.
411. Freeze! Put your hands up.
412. Oh. Okay.
413. Oh, shit! >> Take me to Doctor Louis Zandor. >> Never.
414. Get in the Jeep. You're gonna take me to Zandor's house now! >> Fine, bitch!
415. Ugh. Damn, so violent.
416. Nerd. Nerd.
417. Nerd! >> Oh! >> Wake up! >> Ah, what? >> The girl, man. We have to ditch her. >>
Mandi, our producer?
418. I thought she was a gamer, not a girl. >> She's not a gamer. From what Zandor said,
I think she's a secret agent.
419. A secret agent? No way. >> Come on, we're being chased by military police. The
girl knows too much. She's working for them. >> Cooper, there's no reason
420. for acting this way. >> Acting this way? You're the one who's acting all weird and you
got a little girlfriend all of a sudden. >> Oh, fuck off.
421. Don't break the code. Nerds before birds. >> Alright, come with me, Cooper.
We're gonna settle this like adults.
422. Mandi?
423. Mandi?
424. What's wrong? >> Where's Mandi? >> This happens in every movie. >> Oh,
what? Like they kidnapped her or something? >> More like she kidnapped herself.
425. That's nonsense. She's probably just out getting some air. >> No, she's nowhere
on the property.
426. Well, she's probably in the shower. >> No, she's not in there either.
427. Look what I found on the nightstand. These are phony prescription glasses with
fake plastic lenses. >> Bullshit.
428. Okay, so why would she do this? >> To appear more nerdy.
429. It was all an act. Don't you understand? She's bait. I mean we'll all foolishly try to
rescue her and get caught right in the trap.
430. Oh, I feel like such a fool. The moment you share your joystick with a girl, they
break it.
431. You've been taking us around in circles all night, kid. And I am telling you, if you
I swear.
432. This is Zandor's house this time. >> Ah, what the fuck!
433. Ahem, sergeant, since we're here and all, do you think
434. Fred and I could get some ice cream? >> Don't even think about it.
435. The landfill excavation team emailed me the results.
436. Mm-hm. Sorry, Nerd.
437. I'm here in Alamogordo, New Mexico at the Atari landfill. Here, hundreds of video
game enthusiasts
438. have made a mysterious pilgrimage to the resting place of the classic Atari game,
Eee Tee, where an unlikely
439. convention has sprung up in the middle of nowhere. I'm here with Stacie, one of the
gaming pilgrims.
440. Stacie, what brought you out here? >> It's all to honor the Angry Video Game Nerd.
You know, I saw that it was on Cockburn
441. and then it said he was gonna be reviewing Eee Tee 2, so then I added it up. You
know what I'm saying? I mean he's probably gonna be reviewing the original Eee
Tee game and I'm gonna be here
442. when it all goes down, you know? So, you know, you can bet he's gonna show up
and I'll be here ready for it, you know what I'm saying? I found this bone in the
woods, but it turned out to be wood. So, you know, you never
443. know what's going to happen, you know what I'm saying? >> Fuck me. I should have
never gotten involved with this. >> And here we are with Bernie Cockburn,
444. the chairman of Cockburn Inc., the creators of the new Eee Tee 2. >> Hello,
gamers! Hey!
445. You, too, can get your copy of the game right here, right now. For the first 100
gamers to get their new copy of Eee Tee 2,
446. you're gonna get a free shovel and the chance to climb over this fence behind me
and dig yourself up one of the originals. Ha ha, come on.
447. Be a part of Cockburn's stock. Be a part of gaming history! >> The prophesy is
almost fulfilled.
448. I've got to put an end to all this.
449. I'm telling you, Mandi, you've been running me ragged all day long. >> No, really,
sergeant.
450. I know I've retraced my steps right this time. >> Howdy. Mind grabbing a family
photo? >> No. >> Sure! >> No. >> Come on, right here.
451. No, no, no, no, no. >> Oh, that's good. Everybody get in the picture. It's gonna be
cute. You know, a baby. >> General, our captive is
452. grinding down on my patience. Permission to shoot. >> Negative, McButter. She's
the only one who knows where Zandor is.
453. Say cheese!
454. This is
455. amazing! >> This is horrible! I've got to put an end to this.
456. Step right up,
457. friends, step right up! I hold before you the new game for the new generation,
458. Eee Tee 2! Yeah, ha ha! There you go, young man. $49.95. Good. Hey, listen. And
if you're fast, you can take that shovel,
459. go dig yourself up one of the originals. Ha ha ha. Go get it. Who's next? Who's next?
Eee Tee 2. Come on. Ha ha ha.
460. Oh, my god. Eee Tee.
461. Eee Tee.
462. I can't believe all these geeks
463. found the landfill. >> General. >> What is it, McButter? >> You'll never believe where
she's taking us now: Las Vegas.
464. Please tell me I can shoot her now. I've had enough of this. >> Negative, McButter.
465. Yeah, woo! Woo woo!
466. No!
467. No, no, no. No! >> Is that, is that, is that the Nerd?
468. Fellow gamers, may I have your attention?
469. May I have your attention? This game is bullshit and the legend behind it is a total
lie.
470. There's no games buried under that landfill. I wish you all would just forget about it.
It's all a myth. You can all go home now.
471. Oh, man. The Nerd just said this is bullshit.
472. Dude, when the Nerd says something is bullshit, it's bullshit. >> Well, great. What
are we gonna do now?
473. I guess we just go home.
474. It's working. It's working! Yes!
475. Come on, Nerd. Let's just go home, man. I don't like what this game review is
turning you into.
476. It doesn't matter if you believe in the landfill or not.
477. Oh, my god. >> Whoa. >> Holy shit. That's the guy who made the game. >>
Gamers, here we have
478. Howard Scott Warshaw, a game designer way ahead of his time. He's responsible
for Atari classics such as
479. Yars' Revenge, Raiders of the Lost Ark, and Eee Tee. >> The worst game of all
time.
480. How may I be of service, Nerd?
481. The whole story about the landfill. Tell them it's not true. [crowd chants "Eee
Tee']
482. Alright, fellow gamers, the legend of the landfill is true.
483. I've held my silence long enough. It is time for the truth to be told. The government
buried these games here
484. a long time ago because those games contain a map, a map to Area 51, a map
485. designed by Doctor Louis Zandor. And there he is. Join him in digging up
486. these games, every last one. They contain a map that will lead you to a treasure,
487. and that treasure is nothing less than Zandor's captive friend,
488. the extraterrestrial. >> Wow. >> Zandor!
489. Nerd, I've seen your videos. I know you are a frank and honest man.
490. People like us, we don't cover things up. Wouldn't this be a better world if people
told the truth?
491. The truth, Nerd, that is what you must find.
492. I can't let this happen. This whole legend has to stop. The game's not a map to
Area 51. There's no alien.
493. There's nothing mystical about that game. >> Whether there is or isn't, what does it
matter, man? There's nothing you can do
494. to disprove it anyway. >> Like hell there isn't. >> What are you gonna do? >> I'm
gonna break into Area 51.
495. What?
496. If Doctor Zandor isn't at the top of these steps, you're gonna be dead. >> Have
faith, butter face.
497. I will kill you, fat butt. Oh. >> Are you crazy? Do you have any clue where Area 51
even is?
498. Between Area 50 and 52. >> Come on, man. Haven't you had enough? >> A
nerd's work is never done. >> Now that, that's just
499. a stupid line. >> I only said it for the trailer. >> Wait. You may need this.
500. McButter!
501. Yes, sir? >> The Nerd and his little friend are coming for us. Use the girl as a
diversion. >> Great idea.
502. I'll get that.
503. Nerd. >> You again? Listen, I have nothing against you Area 51 people. This is all
about a video game.
504. Oh. Well, I have a game for you. It's called come rescue your little girlfriend. >>
Nerd, help me!
505. She's not my girlfriend. >> But you like her, don't you? >> Um, no. >> What? >>
Anyway,
506. if you want to find her, she's on top of the Eiffel Tower. >> The what? >> The mock
Eiffel Tower in Las Vegas.
507. Tower in Las Vegas. >> Oh. >> It's a trap, Nerd. Like I said, don't go.
508. Uh, I'm not coming. >> What? Nerd? Come up here and rescue me right now.
509. Eff you, you FBI bitch. >> Yeah, that'll show her, Nerd.
510. Diversion didn't work, sir. >> You should have put her into something more
provocative. How the hell can you use her
511. as bait when she's dressed in causal attire? >> General, sir. >> What is it? >> There
is something you should see.
512. What do we have here? >> This is the guy that's been causing you all the trouble,
sir.
513. He's an Internet superstar. They call him the Angry Video Game Nerd. >> Well, let it
roll. >> I'm finally gonna do it.
514. I'm gonna land the plane. Up, up, down, down, speed up, speed down.
515. Ah!
516. Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha, he's funny. I like him. Ha ha ha. >> Sir, then there's
his friend.
517. They call him the Super Rad Video Game Dude. >> Hm. >> Have you ever taken a
really long dump
518. and then you sit on the toilet going, god dang, what did I eat? That's the feeling that
you get after playing this game. This is Super
519. Rad Video Game Dude. >> Oh, not so much. He sucks. Let me learn more
520. about this Angry Video Game Nerd person. Don't worry, son. It's just a flesh wound.
521. Look, Nerd. I don't even care about this game review anymore. I just have a
really, really bad feeling about this.
522. Cooper, you don't want to heroically rescue the girl, you don't want to run
headlong into Area 51, and now you don't even want to do a game review?
523. Uh-uh. >> What do you want to do? >> I'd like to stay alive.
524. Look, Nerd. You're living in a fool's paradise, man.
525. I mean, let me show you all the ways in which we would die. Come with me.
526. For starters, the base is situated in the
527. middle of the desert, hidden by mountains in an area where Mother Nature is at its
most treacherous and unforgiving.
528. The base is surveyed by online directional radar and military jeeps. If you pass the
signs,
529. deadly force is authorized. Even a bird flying through its airspace would get shot
down by ballistic missiles. Burrowing prairie dogs would get
530. smoked out by nerve gas. >> What? Oh, shit! >> Nerd, how do you expect to get in?
531. There it is, Cooper. Dreamland.
532. Here's a walkie-talkie so we can secretly communicate when I make it inside. >>
Secretly? Nerd, I'm sure they're already
533. monitoring us. >> Don't be paranoid.
534. How do I look? >> Let's just get this over with.
535. Alright, now, now hold, hold it. Don't, don't let it go down yet. >> Just don't rock it
too much. I can't hold you. >> You got to hold still. You want me to die or
something?
536. Be careful. >> Alright. Now listen, at the count of three, you're gonna drop me.
Alright?
537. Alright. >> Now wait for me to get in first. Alright? One
538. Whoa! Shit! Oh!
539. Holy hell.
540. Security desk three to unit commander.
541. We've got a live one.
542. Um, take me to your leader. Oh!
543. Scalpel. >> Scalpel.
544. Ah.
545. Intruder! >> Ah.
546. Ah!
547. Ah!
548. Ah! >> What?
549. Retinal scanner.
550. Rectal scanner.
551. Whatever.
552. Cooper! I'm looking at the Eee Tee game. >> Yeah? So am I.
553. I mean for real! Area 51 is literally the game. >> Of course. How similar?
554. Well, let me put it this way. Zandor wasn't too subtle about it.
555. Alright, Nerd, you completed your lunatic mission. Get the hell out of there.
556. Nerd, listen. You've got company. Don't ask how I know, just move. Nerd? Nerd?
557. Ah! >> Wouldn't this be a better world if people told the truth?
558. Well, Nerd, ha ha ha ha ha. We meet again. From now on, there'll be no more
fighting between us.
559. I've been watching some of your videos. We appreciate your work. You might even
say we're big fans
560. of yours here at Area 51. Here, let me show you something. I need your
561. expertise. >> No. >> Won't you play this game for me?
562. Isn't that what you do? >> No, I never play that one.
563. You hate this game, don't you? You see, we're not so different, you and I. We
stand for the same thing.
564. You want to rid the world of this game and so do I.
565. Look at me when I speak to you. What do you know about
566. this Doctor Louis Zandor? >> I told you, butch Barbie. I know nothing.
567. Why are you doing this? >> Your friend, Doctor Louis Zandor, designed this
game
568. with the floor plans to our base. Don't you realize what a threat this poses to our
homeland security?
569. So what is this new Eee Tee 2 game you're selling? >> It's just a game. >> Well.
570. You have quite the fan base I realize. The gamers are loyal to you. Have them
send all their Eee Tee games to me.
571. Join me, Nerd, and this game can be history, forever in the past where it belongs.
572. You have your customers bring in their old Eee Tee games for a discount.
573. You give us the old games, and we'll make sure that this new game is a success
574. beyond your wildest dreams.
575. I'd rather lick the shit skid off the inside of a toilet bowl than aid
576. you in your quest for world domination. >> No! >> Well, yes, ha ha ha ha.
577. No! >> Get your hands on that filthy game controller, you damn filthy nerd!
578. Yeah? >> Turn it off, you evil son of a bitch. I can never get you every game on
the planet. Besides, do you have any idea
579. how many Eee Tee cartridges are still in the public? And you know what? You've
already lost because my fans have already found your landfill
580. and dug it up and cleared out all the games. They're probably at home playing them
right now.
581. Ha ha ha ha ha. There's no playing those games. They've been smashed into
little pieces
582. since I buried them and bulldozed them in the 80s, but you have given me an idea. I
see now that
583. your greatest weakness is not the hate you have for that game, but the love you
have for your fans.
584. So I'm gonna blow them all into smithereens!
585. For someone so interested in protecting Americans, you sure are quick to blow
them up. >> Well, sometimes
586. you have to break a few eggheads in order to make a homeland security omelette!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
587. Wait. Doctor Louis Zandor is in that crowd. >> Good. >> But he has something of
great value to you.
588. Oh, and what might that be? >> The Roswell space metal. He stole it because
he didn't want you to rebuild that alien spacecraft.
589. That's a lie! We have all the space metal. >> You have nothing. It's tinfoil.
590. Tinfoil? >> Don't worry, Nerd. I'll save you.
591. How am I gonna do that? Wait a minute.
592. Who are we trying to be here, Pee-wee fucking Herman? Foil, it's all foil.
593. Tinfoil. My plans have been foiled, you assholes. Ah!
594. Damn! It's glitching up.
595. Ow, that fucking hurt! >> Where's my space metal?
596. Only Zandor knows. >> Zandor, god dammit. Well, I may not be able to blow up
your
597. gamers, but I can blow up your precious Atari monument. Stupid Atari.
598. Stupid Mount Fuji.
599. Launch sequence activated.
600. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. So long, Nerd,
601. and thank you for telling the truth. Oh, that smarts.
602. Hey there. Looks like you're coming with me.
603. No, my hands are tiny. Okay, ah.
604. And away we go! Ugh!
605. Whoa!
606. Damn, dude. You're heavy. >> Holy shit. I thought you were just a hoax.
607. Yeah, we get a lot of that around here.
608. Wow.
609. Wait. We're gonna need this to get out of here. >> Okay.
611. Here, have a gun. >> Okay. >> Must kill nerd. Exterminate.
612. Let's get out of here. Go go go go go!
613. Get me Zandor. He's at the landfill. I want him alive!
614. Whoa, I hate it when people shoot at me. Fire,
615. fire, fire! >> How do you open these doors? >> Ahem,
616. down here.
617. Brilliant. >> Look out! Hey, hey, hey, works every time.
618. Come on, come on, come on. Go, go, go.
619. How do you shut these doors? >> I'll tell you there. Hurry! >> Come on. >> What are
you waiting for? Shoot them,
620. white arthropod moron. >> I'm trying. >> Excellent shot. >> Come on, shut
621. these shitty, slow-ass doors. >> Whoa, nice shooting, Tex.
622. Well done!
623. Exemplary work.
624. I can't fly one of those. How about you? >> Alright.
625. Nerd, come in. Nerd, come in.
626. Please, Nerd. Fuck this. I'm going in.
627. Hm hm hm hm.
628. So, outer space, huh? >> Yep. >> Um,
629. so why'd you come to Earth? >> I was looking for intelligent life. >> Well, you found
it.
630. I found life, yes. >> Oh, that's funny. >> No, I came to save you people, but you
locked me up for 60 years.
631. I had nothing to do with that. I wasn't even alive back then. What about my friend
Cooper who's somewhere out in the desert?
632. What? >> Cooper, you know it's foot massage Friday. Bring your
ass home now. >> I can't
633. come home right now. I have to drive this van and break in to Area 51. >> You don't
even know how to drive no van. >> What do you mean I don't know how to drive a
van?
634. We'll find him, but trust me, we have bigger worries. If you only know what I'm
trying to prevent. >> Prevent?
635. You wouldn't understand. Concerns the entire spectrum of existence. >> Oh,
what? Like the, the
636. Megaverse and the Ultraverse? >> Yeah. >> A cyber mutant death god with a
satellite dish on his head?
637. I've underestimated you. >> Well, I don't care. I'm just trying to save my fans from
that lunatic Dark Onward.
638. Well, who's gonna save your fans from Death Mwauthzyx?
639. Whoa!
640. The whole world you live in is a video game. It's a game that I made.
641. Then you people invented the nuclear bomb. That's when I came down to settle
things 'cause when the game gets out of control, Dad's gotta
642. take it away. >> Your dad? >> Death Mwauthzyx. If he found out I created a culture
of warmongers and
643. xenophobes, all it'll take from him is one 360 turn from the satellite dish on his head
and
644. Existence as we know it will come to an end. >> No, it'll be as if it never existed at
all. Just a punishment for me, but a
645. painful apocalypse for you guys.
646. Psyche! Ha ha ha ha ha.
647. So how do we stop this?
648. I need my spaceship. That would help. >> Well, it's in a million pieces, wherever
it is. >> I can harness their power and join
649. them all back together if only you could find the pieces. >> Well, Zandor hid them,
so he's the only one who knows.
650. Oh, shit. We got to find him now. Ah!
651. Dismount! Back off, Keith.
652. Back up. Back up. Back up. Back up.
653. Attention men. Bring me Doctor Louis Zandor.
654. Find him and bring him to me. You can run but you can't hide.
655. Ah!
656. Either we refuel or we land this thing. >> Well, I don't even drive a car, so how
am I supposed
657. to do this? These controls don't make a fuck's bit of sense. I'd have an easier time
doing a handstand while taking a shit.
658. You want to know what happened to me last time I tried? >> Well, you ever see
me
659. play Top Gun? Not a pretty sight.
660. Oh, I'm gonna be.
661. Oh! >> Okay, bitch. Come over here and untie me.
662. Let's see who can fuck up who. >> Oh, yeah? >> Yeah. >> Yeah? >> Yeah.
663. Hang on, Nerd. I'm gonna get you out of there.
664. Oh, shit. It's Death Mwauthzyx. >> Go!
665. Fuck you.
666. No, no.
667. Oh, no, no, no.
668. Ah!
669. Holy shitskies.
670. Alright, bitch. Now I thought I could
671. get through this without objectifying myself in a sexy catfight, but it looks like that's
impossible now.
672. They're on us. Hurry.
673. Whoa. Did you see that? Ah!
674. Ah!
675. Holy cow!
676. Oh!
677. Ah!
678. Ah! >> We are gathered here today
679. to bring together, in holy matrimony, Robert and Lisa. Robert,
680. do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, to
cherish, love
681. from this day forward? >> No. >> Bobby? >> Oh, god.
682. No! >> Bobby! >> Oh! Wait, but. >> Shoot these gamer geeks if
683. they don't get out of your way. >> Oh, no. We might be too late. Alright, I'm going
down there.
684. Come on, Nintendo skills. Don't fail me now. Up, up,
685. down, down, speed up, speed down.
686. I'm gonna land the plane. I'm gonna land it.
687. I'm, fuck it.
688. You did it. I knew you would! Ha ha ha ha.
689. Back up. Step back. Back up. Back up. >> Ha ha ha, Zandor. You are mine!
690. Great, more guns. Just what we needed. >> Ha ha ha ha.
691. Ha ha ha ha, Zandor.
692. Ha ha ha ha. >> Look what we go over here. $200 either one. >> Oh.
693. Holy shit. Look at that!
694. Damn! I don't never win nothing.
695. Double zero? Woo!
696. Ah! >> Hot. Wait a minute. That's Mandi.
697. No! >> Ah!
698. I will get you!
699. What the fuck? Oh, ah!
700. What the fuck is this shit? Get off of me! >> Chick magnet! >> iii
701. No.
702. Mandi, it's me, Cooper. >> Oh, Cooper, you asshole!
703. You left me for dead. >> I'm so sorry. I just thought you were a double agent.
704. Oh, I'm not even a single agent.
705. Surrender, Nerd! You have no place to go. You're mine now. >> Nerd!
706. Zandor. >> There's something important I have to tell you. The space metal, the
pieces to the ship.
707. I put them in the safest spot imaginable, in the hands of all the children. They're
inside
708. the Eee Tee games.
709. Ingenious.
710. Are you doing this?
711. I have enough accumulated power now. I can summon them all!
712. Oh.
713. Oh. >> Dirty son of a gun.
714. Ah! >> God, free me from this game. Go, God. Free me.
715. Thank you, God. Thank you, God! Ah ha ha ha! Ho ho ho ho ha ha!
716. Piece of shit. Ha ha ha ha.
717. What the fuck was that? Holy shit, dude. It went right out the fucking window.
718. Ha ha ha ha. Oh, man. Oh, let's play another game.
719. Up we go!
720. What the hell's the matter with you? Are you all a bunch of pussies? Pick those
weapons up.
721. Drive!
722. Goddamn hypocrite cocksucker!
723. I'll teach you not iii.
724. Oh, God!
725. Oh, oh, oh, shit.
726. Ah!
727. Whoa! >> Don't worry, Mandi. We'll get out of here and save you.
728. Ah!
729. Nerd! >> Oh, hey. >> You came back. >> Oh, man.
730. I'm so sorry I ditched you that one time. >> Yeah, that was a dick move. >> I know.
Cooper, you really turned into a man back there.
731. Thanks, man. >> Oh, shit! What the mother fuck is that thing? >> Nice to meet
you too, babe.
732. Ha, Death Mwauthzyx. See, Nerd? I told you.
733. You thought I was making it up, huh? >> Well, I'll be damned if all that other stuff
you said was true too. >> None of that's gonna matter soon if he turns the satellite
dish.
734. If he could wipe out all space and time just by turning that satellite dish on his
head, then what the hell is he doing playing around in Las Vegas?
735. That's how he gets his kicks. I don't fucking know. I've known him for 5,000 years
and he never got around to it. Imagine if you were Death Mwauthzyx
736. and knew everything there was to know. You would be so bored you'd go crazy. And
if there was one thing that
737. maybe you haven't thought of in a while, one thing that nobody could ever learn, one
indescribable, far-out, unimaginable,
738. fucked up enigma of nature, way, way, way outside the boundaries of existence.
Maybe if I could
739. direct his attention to that, he'll, he'll go away. >> It's kind of like turning on Sunday
night football when you want your dad to
740. forget about your weekend chores you were supposed to do, right? >> Not even
close. I just need a good shot at that satellite dish.
741. I'll take aim. >> Get him, Nerd.
742. I've always wanted to meddle with powers I can't possibly understand.
743. Whoa, now that's some heavy-handed symbolism. >> Go for it!
747. Not yet. I still have one last thing I have to do. >> Yes, yes.
748. Oh, Nerd. You don't owe Cockburn Inc. anything at this point.
749. Got to stay true to my word. Care to give us an intro?
750. And now presenting AVGN's long-awaited review,
751. Eee Tee 2. He's the angriest gamer you ever heard. He's the Angry
752. Video Game Nerd!
753. Let's get this baby fired up.
754. Um, I know
755. we don't have the original cartridges, but can this ship somehow play the old Eee
Tee games? >> This ship was the old Eee Tee game.
756. I can reload the bygone data from the circuitry. >> Yeah. >> So this is the new Eee
Tee 2,
757. hm. It claims to be even worse than the original. Ugh, look at it.
758. It's foul, it's putrid, it's despicable as it intentionally tries to be, but true
759. wretchedness is too unique to duplicate. The original stood the test of infamy.
760. Why else would you have all come out here in the middle of the desert? Not to buy a
shameless sequel, but to celebrate the most spectacular
761. failure in video gaming history and stand on its unholy grounds. That's why we've all
gathered here today.
762. And hey, there's more room in hell now, so let's make some new history and throw
these fuckers in the pit where they belong!
763. Hey. >> Hey. >> So, is birds before nerds okay?
764. Well, if you got one, don't let her fly away. >> Okay.
765. Oh. >> Damn. >> Okay, Cooper.
766. Hello, Cooper? >> Well, hello to you too, ma. >> You okay, sugar? >> Yes, I'm
fine. I was just
767. in a spaceship with the Nerd. We just saved the universe, okay? >> Okay, bye. >>
Bye.
768. See, Nerd? You're just like my mom. You're overprotective. The fans don't need you
to protect them
769. from bad games. They can take care of themselves. >> Oh, thanks.
770. Yeah, and bingo.
771. Well, everybody, I said once
772. before that I wanted every single cartridge of this game off the face of the Earth. Ad
I think I'm gonna
773. get my wish. But first, you're gonna get yours.
774. Eee Tee on Atari 2600. To begin with, it's not a game you just pick up and play. And
most games of this generation were very simple.
775. Shoot a bunch of aliens, climb to the top of the screen, stop missiles or chomp down
all the pellets. But Eee Tee
776. is an enigma. With all these random symbols appearing at the top of the screen and
falling in holes all the time, it's no wonder why
777. gamers didn't understand how to play this game. You have to read the instruction
manual. So, once you understand how to play the game,
778. it still fucking sucks!
779. When the game starts, Eee Tee comes down from space. And now he has to go
back? Why'd he come down in the first place? All he had to do was
780. stay on that ship and there wouldn't be a game. And wouldn't that be better if Eee
Tee just came down and went right back up again?
781. Was there any colors available besides just green? The ground is green, the pits are
green, and even Eee Tee is fucking green. I feel like I'm
782. taking a colorblind test. No matter where you go, you fall in pits. They're fucking
everywhere!
783. You get out by extending your neck which somehow makes Eee Tee float. When in
the movie did Eee Tee extend his neck to float out of a pit?
784. Once you reach the top, most of the time, you just keep falling back in. No, oh fuck!
Oh, wait. Get out of the pit, get out of the pit.
785. Ugh, fuck! There's a trick. You got to fuck about with the controls just right. It's just a
really bad learning curve.
786. There's a way to catch yourself before you fall down, but you'll never be expecting it
when you fall. Oh, look! Shit.
787. The human brain can't react that fast. I don't who can pull off that trick. Maybe ninjas
that take speed and sit around and play Atari all day.
788. The goal of the game is to find three hidden pieces of a phone that Eee Tee needs
to call home with. And
789. guess where you find them? In the pits. When you're walking around, you pass over
these invisible spaces which hold special items.
790. When you're standing on these spaces, you can use them to perform a certain
action. For example, if you come across an arrow, you can use that to transport
791. you to the next screen, but half the time, you're gonna end up on a pit. So if you want
to use the arrow, you need to remember
792. what's on that space on the other screen as if the game is forcing you to think fourth
dimensionally. What is this game, for fucking scientists?
793. It's marketed like it's for little kids, and that really shows a lack of communication.
Also,
794. the whole game works off a randomizer. All these zones and the phone pieces,
everything, they're always hidden a different spot every time you start the
795. game. Some fans have spoken out in defense of this game, saying that it's different
every time you play it. Kind of like how every
796. time I take a shit, it's always different. What I really hate are the FBI agents and the
scientists. The scientist takes your
797. ass back to the buildings and the FBI agent takes all your phone pieces. What an
asshole. Trying to outrun these guys without stepping in the
798. holes is a real pain the ass. Come on, you motherfucker, motherfucker,
motherfucker. Come on, ugh. Fuck. And how come they can pass over
799. a hole and you can't? Yeah, yeah, go ahead, pass over the hole again. Yeah, fuck
you. I'm gonna pass over your mom's hole.
800. Even if you find the pieces, it's worth Jack and shit. And Jack left town. That's
because you need to find the phone
801. home zone also. It looks like a space invader alien, but there's only one in the entire
game. And keep in mind, it's
802. always someplace different, so you have to trace over every fucking space. It's like
trying to find a needle in a haystack
803. or like a turd in a mudslide. All the senseless running around drains your energy.
That's right, Eee Tee dies
804. from moving around too much. So maybe he'll find the call zone first. After all,
finding the phone pieces are easier because the question mark
805. zone shows what pits they're in. Got the call zone, but oh fuck, I wasted all my
energy. Maybe I'll find the phone pieces first. Okay,
806. got the phone pieces, but oh shit, the FBI guy took them away. It's like a big brother
who wants to give you a noogie and a wedgie
807. at the same time. And if you do manage to find everything you need in one flawless
run, guess what? You can't call home
808. unless there's nobody on the screen. So if the call zone happens to be on the
screen where the FBI and scientists are, you're fucked!
809. Why does Eee Tee need to be alone when he calls, like a teenage girl? So when
you find the call zone with all the
810. three phone pieces and you phone home, then you got to make your way back to
the landing zone. But even worse now, there's a time
811. limit. You have to be standing on the landing zone at the precise moment at the
precise time when the timer
812. runs out. And if an FBI agent or scientist walks into the screen, it doesn't work. Why
does Eee Tee need so much
813. privacy? Does he need to tug on his little green beam or something?
814. So, is it really the worst game of all time? Um,
815. I don't think so. It's frustrating, it's challenging, and it's a brain teaser, but that's
816. what makes it so addicting. And considering it was made in such a short period of
time, it's more sophisticated than anything of its era.
817. Raiders of the Lost Ark was just as strange and cryptic and that game was met with
glowing praise. Both these games came with
818. instruction manuals. Now I can understand kids just wanting to pick up a game and
enjoy it without having to read anything, but if you could
819. understand Raiders, you could understand Eee Tee. So what was it that gave this
game such a reputation?
820. I can't answer that. It's just something that happened. It's something we needed. Is
there
821. something mystical about the game? There is. It's a floor plan to Area 51
822. as well as an access key and every cartridge contained a piece of the alien ship.
Sure, but forget about all that. The mystical thing about
823. all these old, craptastic games is that they somehow hold a place in our hearts and
bring us back to that
824. special time when we were kids. And that's the power of the classics and the
not-so-classics