1. Hey, Timmy, get me a hot dog.Copy !req
2. - Hey, Dave.
- Hi Sara.Copy !req
3. Fun party, huh?Copy !req
4. Yeah. Except for Arnie Shankman
being here.Copy !req
5. Wedgie! Wedgie! Wedgie!Copy !req
6. I feel bad for him with his sister
losing her mind and all.Copy !req
7. Whatever.Copy !req
8. You know what we should do?
Play Truth or Dare.Copy !req
9. - You want to?
- Sure.Copy !req
10. Okay, I'll go first. Truth or dare?Copy !req
11. Truth.Copy !req
12. Have you ever kissed a girl before?Copy !req
13. - Well, I—
- Family doesn't count.Copy !req
14. - Maybe I'll take dare.
- Okay.Copy !req
15. I dare you to kiss me.Copy !req
16. Right here?Copy !req
17. Yeah. I want everyone to see
that your first kiss is with me.Copy !req
18. Got any mustard for that cocktail frank,
butt-lick?Copy !req
19. - David Buznik.
- I just landed in St. Louis.Copy !req
20. - I hope you wrote my speech.
- I did, sir. I pulled an all nighter.Copy !req
21. I look forward to this, Mr. Head.
Never been to St. Louis.Copy !req
22. Thank you for allowing me
to come on this trip—Copy !req
23. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, that sounds great.Copy !req
24. If we finish our work,
I'd love to go to a jazz club.Copy !req
25. Terrific.Copy !req
26. - He hung up on you again, didn't he?
- Yes. Yes, he did.Copy !req
27. He's a jerk. You came up with the idea
for the Husky Cat clothing line.Copy !req
28. He didn't say thank you.
He should give you a promotion.Copy !req
29. There's a creative executive position
that just opened up, so...Copy !req
30. Bring that up on the trip.
You gotta stick up for yourself.Copy !req
31. I know. I'll figure something out.Copy !req
32. I gotta go. Sorry.Copy !req
33. I'm gonna miss you.Copy !req
34. That guy's looking at us.Copy !req
35. You know I don't like it when people
watch me kiss.Copy !req
36. I'm sorry.Copy !req
37. Take care.Copy !req
38. Okay. Bye.Copy !req
39. Dave...Copy !req
40. - Have a good flight.
- Okay.Copy !req
41. I'm sorry.Copy !req
42. I think you're in my seat.Copy !req
43. Come on, pal. I'm already settled in
here. Can't you sit somewhere else?Copy !req
44. You're supposed to sit in the seat
they assigned you.Copy !req
45. Nobody cares. Just sit in the seat
I'm supposed to sit in.Copy !req
46. Excuse me. This seat's available.Copy !req
47. Okay. Thank you.Copy !req
48. You're very welcome.Copy !req
49. No air.Copy !req
50. That's too bad, huh?Copy !req
51. You're on my side of the armrest.Copy !req
52. We're not gonna have problems,
are we?Copy !req
53. No.Copy !req
54. I'm wetting my Jockeys here.Copy !req
55. You gotta get a load of this, keed.Copy !req
56. I mean, you like comedies?Copy !req
57. I just haven't been sleeping a lot
lately so I was trying to catch some...Copy !req
58. Look at this actress here.Copy !req
59. What is your position
on breast implants?Copy !req
60. This guy.Copy !req
61. I can just watch the movie with you.Copy !req
62. Excuse me.Copy !req
63. - Could I get a headset?
- Certainly.Copy !req
64. Thank you.Copy !req
65. Probably make out
with my next boyfriend.Copy !req
66. Oh, my God, it was disgusting.Copy !req
67. Miss?Copy !req
68. I'll be right there, sir.Copy !req
69. Where's your headset?Copy !req
70. She's busy right now, but it's coming.Copy !req
71. For crying out loud.
You're missing important plot points.Copy !req
72. Ma'am?Copy !req
73. Could you give me a second, sir?Copy !req
74. Excuse me.Copy !req
75. Could I maybe get that headset,
please?Copy !req
76. - Do not raise your voice to me, sir.
- I wasn't raising my voice.Copy !req
77. Just calm down.Copy !req
78. I am calm. I just want my headset.Copy !req
79. Our country is going through
a difficult time now.Copy !req
80. If you won't cooperate—Copy !req
81. No, I'm gonna cooperate. My plan
is to get the headset from you...Copy !req
82. watch the movie, and laugh
in a very cooperative way.Copy !req
83. Is there a problem here, sir?Copy !req
84. I don't think so.Copy !req
85. Can you come to the back with me
so we can have a talk?Copy !req
86. A talk about what?
There's not a problem.Copy !req
87. The flight attendant keeps
ignoring me when—Copy !req
88. Calm down.Copy !req
89. I am calm.
What is it with you people?Copy !req
90. "You people"?Copy !req
91. Now wait a minute.Copy !req
92. I don't mean you people.
I mean you people.Copy !req
93. I will not tolerate any racist
behaviour on the plane.Copy !req
94. This is a difficult time
for our country.Copy !req
95. I'm not a racist.
I just want to watch the movie.Copy !req
96. I'm only going to say this
one more time, sir. Calm down.Copy !req
97. I'm calm!Copy !req
98. All rise.Copy !req
99. - What do you think?
- Not guilty. It's a no-brainer.Copy !req
100. Mr. Buznik. In case 723, assault and
battery against a flight attendant...Copy !req
101. I find you guilty.Copy !req
102. I'm ordering you to pay a fine
of $3500.Copy !req
103. Thank God you're okay.Copy !req
104. In addition, to prevent
further acts of rage...Copy !req
105. this court orders you to undergo 20
hours of anger management therapy.Copy !req
106. Anger management?Copy !req
107. Dr. Rydell?Copy !req
108. You don't remember me, do you?Copy !req
109. - I sat next to you on the plane.
- Oh, yeah, the headset guy.Copy !req
110. - Good to see you again.
- Good to see you too.Copy !req
111. That was a crazy flight.Copy !req
112. They actually sentenced me
to anger management for that.Copy !req
113. Really?Copy !req
114. This is incredible.
You could sign this for me...Copy !req
115. and tell them I don't have
an anger problem if you want.Copy !req
116. I can't just sign your papers.Copy !req
117. I didn't do anything wrong.
You know that.Copy !req
118. All right.Copy !req
119. How's this?Copy !req
120. Just hang for one session...Copy !req
121. so I can at least say
I gave you a proper analysis.Copy !req
122. - Then I'll sign your papers.
- Okay.Copy !req
123. - Shall we?
- Oh, yes. Yes.Copy !req
124. So my boss, he was talking to me
about how many sick days I've taken.Copy !req
125. And I was like, you know,
"Don't go there."Copy !req
126. But he kept on about wanting to see
a doctor's note or something.Copy !req
127. And I said, "Look, I'm seriously
serious. You don't want to go there."Copy !req
128. But he kept talking and talking,
being such a nag...Copy !req
129. and then I just blacked out.Copy !req
130. I blacked out.Copy !req
131. And when I woke up, I was standing
over him and I was screaming:Copy !req
132. "I told you not to go there!
I told you not to go there!"Copy !req
133. How do you feel you
handled that situation?Copy !req
134. Not as well as I could've.Copy !req
135. Remember, Lou, temper's the one
thing you can't get rid of by losing it.Copy !req
136. Now, Fury Fighters,
let's say hello to someone...Copy !req
137. who's joining our quest to get
the anger monkeys off our backs:Copy !req
138. - Dave.
- Hi, Dave.Copy !req
139. Hi.Copy !req
140. Good news, I fed my anger monkey
a banana this morning...Copy !req
141. and he's feeling much better.Copy !req
142. More good news, you won't have to
listen to those lame jokes...Copy !req
143. because I'm only here
for one session.Copy !req
144. Dave assaulted a female
flight attendant in midair.Copy !req
145. - Nice.
- I bet you beat her good.Copy !req
146. I didn't beat anybody.
I touched a woman.Copy !req
147. Liar. Bullshitter.
You're a woman beater.Copy !req
148. You can't admit it because you're
a piece of garbage.Copy !req
149. I don't know about all that,
but now I understand why you're here.Copy !req
150. I'm here because I was verbally
attacked by my neighbour.Copy !req
151. And I took a dump on his porch.Copy !req
152. I guess you're better than me.
That's why you can't cop to your rage.Copy !req
153. You're superior. He's superior.Copy !req
154. - Maybe Dave's not ready yet, Chuck.
- You're not ready. Hear what he said?Copy !req
155. Let's introduce Dave
to some of the rest of us.Copy !req
156. Girls, why don't you tell Dave
what brought you here.Copy !req
157. I'm sure he'd love to listen
to what you guys have to say.Copy !req
158. We always do.Copy !req
159. - Come on, Dave. Join us.
- Okay.Copy !req
160. Okay. Well, we're
in the adult film industry.Copy !req
161. And we're lovers.Copy !req
162. One day, Gina was having sex
with this Filipino guy Melo...Copy !req
163. - ... which was cool, it was in the script.
- Sure.Copy !req
164. And then I asked Melo
back to the house with us...Copy !req
165. which is cool, because,
well, we like a little variety.Copy !req
166. Variety's good.Copy !req
167. So anyway, in the middle
of our session...Copy !req
168. I look up and I see Gina
kissing Melo on the mouth...Copy !req
169. which is not cool because it
violates our threesome code of ethics.Copy !req
170. - Stacy bit my toe off.
- Then Melo freaks out...Copy !req
171. - ... and calls me a crazy skank.
- Nobody talks to my bitch that way.Copy !req
172. - So I stapled his lips shut.
- Here we are.Copy !req
173. Well, we've all been there.Copy !req
174. - I like him.
- Yeah, he's funny.Copy !req
175. Not as funny as you.Copy !req
176. I like that.Copy !req
177. - All right, girls.
- Let it go. Let it go a little bit longer.Copy !req
178. Walk it off.Copy !req
179. Nate. Didn't we decide that you
shouldn't listen to the ball game?Copy !req
180. Don't worry, Dr. B, it's just a regular
season game. Not important.Copy !req
181. He missed the lay-up!Copy !req
182. See? Iverson just missed a lay-up
at the buzzer, Sixers lose.Copy !req
183. Who gives a crap, huh?Copy !req
184. I mean, it's just a silly game, anyways.Copy !req
185. The anger sharks are swimming
in my head.Copy !req
186. You gotta dunk that shit!Copy !req
187. You gotta dunk that shit!Copy !req
188. Listen to me. Stay with me, Nate.Copy !req
189. Now, repeat after me, Nate:Copy !req
190. Goosfraba.Copy !req
191. Goos blah blah.Copy !req
192. Not "blah blah," Nate.Copy !req
193. Goosfraba.Copy !req
194. Goosfraba.Copy !req
195. That's good. Slower.Copy !req
196. Goosfraba.Copy !req
197. How do you feel?Copy !req
198. Better.Copy !req
199. Good job, Nate.Copy !req
200. That sound is a derivation
of an old Eskimo word...Copy !req
201. that mothers used to calm
their children.Copy !req
202. - I see.
- Eskimos seem nice.Copy !req
203. - They do.
- I think Eskimos are smug.Copy !req
204. Hold that thought, Chuck.Copy !req
205. So, Dave...Copy !req
206. tell us about yourself.Copy !req
207. Who are you?Copy !req
208. Well, I am an executive assistant...Copy !req
209. at a major pet products company.Copy !req
210. I don't want you to tell us what you do.
I want you to tell us who you are.Copy !req
211. All right.Copy !req
212. I'm a pretty good guy.Copy !req
213. I like playing tennis on occasion...Copy !req
214. Also, not your hobbies, Dave,
just simple:Copy !req
215. Tell us who you are.Copy !req
216. I just...Copy !req
217. Maybe you could give me an example
of what a good answer would be.Copy !req
218. What did you say?Copy !req
219. You want Lou to tell you who you are?Copy !req
220. No, I just...Copy !req
221. I'm a nice, easygoing man.Copy !req
222. I might be a little bit
indecisive at times.Copy !req
223. Dave, you're describing
your personality.Copy !req
224. I want to know...Copy !req
225. - ... who you are.
- What the hell do you want me to say?Copy !req
226. I mean, I'm sorry. I just...
I want to answer your question.Copy !req
227. I'm just not doing it right, I guess.Copy !req
228. I think we're getting a picture, Dave.Copy !req
229. - Let's move on.
- Dr. Rydell, I'd like to know something.Copy !req
230. Why is it that Chuck
thinks he can smoke?Copy !req
231. I do whatever I want when I want,
you little Spanish fruit topping.Copy !req
232. Honey, at least I didn't
make my aunt pregnant.Copy !req
233. What are you laughing at, Dave?Copy !req
234. Just laughing. I don't know.
I'm not laughing at you.Copy !req
235. Were you laughing with me?
Because I'm not laughing.Copy !req
236. Am I out of line,
or is this guy pushing me?Copy !req
237. Well, how do you feel, Chuck?Copy !req
238. I went from happy to angry, skipped
sad. Now I feel like kicking his ass.Copy !req
239. Then we'll see who's laughing.Copy !req
240. What? Think you're better than me
because you've got both your nuts?Copy !req
241. All right, man. All right. Come on.
Come on, big boy. Pretty boy.Copy !req
242. All right. Is it worth going back
to the penitentiary, Chuck?Copy !req
243. - So he's laughing at you.
- I'm not laughing at him.Copy !req
244. Goosfraba.Copy !req
245. - Goosfraba.
- Okay.Copy !req
246. Good job, Chuck.
That was really good.Copy !req
247. Where's the coffee cake?
I was looking forward to it.Copy !req
248. I haven't been to the Actors Studio
in quite some time.Copy !req
249. - I'm sure your audition will go well.
- Thanks. I hope so.Copy !req
250. - Good night.
- All right.Copy !req
251. - Thanks, Buddy.
- Bye-bye.Copy !req
252. That was a little bit insane.Copy !req
253. If I had to do 20 hours of that,
I'd end up killing myself.Copy !req
254. Here you go.Copy !req
255. Twenty hours in my class
would be pointless for you.Copy !req
256. I agree.Copy !req
257. I think I'm going to recommend
to the court that we double your time.Copy !req
258. What do you mean?Copy !req
259. Let me explain something.Copy !req
260. There are two kinds of angry people:
explosive and implosive.Copy !req
261. Explosive is the kind of individual that
you see screaming at the cashier...Copy !req
262. for not taking their coupons.Copy !req
263. Implosive is the cashier
who remains quiet, day after day...Copy !req
264. and finally shoots everyone
in the store.Copy !req
265. You're the cashier.Copy !req
266. No. I'm the guy hiding in the frozen
food section dialling 911I, I swear.Copy !req
267. I'm going to assign you
an anger ally...Copy !req
268. to help calm you down
when you're losing it.Copy !req
269. Chuck.Copy !req
270. Not Chuck. Give me the sports guy,
or the porno girls.Copy !req
271. Heard we're partnering up, huh?Copy !req
272. - Yes.
- Here's my number.Copy !req
273. Great. "You're going to die, bitch."Copy !req
274. Oops, that's a letter I'm writing
to my father.Copy !req
275. - I see.
- My bad. Here.Copy !req
276. That's the number. Good. Thank you.Copy !req
277. Dave and Chuck...Copy !req
278. working together as a team.Copy !req
279. - It's a win-win situation.
- Yeah, feels it.Copy !req
280. Dave's particulars.Copy !req
281. I'll see you soon.Copy !req
282. The Yanks are great this season.Copy !req
283. Dave thinks they could beat Seattle's
win record.Copy !req
284. Remember at Brown when we
saw Ron Guidry win his 20th?Copy !req
285. Oh, man. He was on fire that year.Copy !req
286. We could've been too.Copy !req
287. Andrew, don't start or I can't
hang out with you anymore.Copy !req
288. Sorry, it's just hard. I'll never meet
anyone as good as you.Copy !req
289. You will. She'll be a very lucky lady.Copy !req
290. Thanks for being my best friend.Copy !req
291. Linda.Copy !req
292. - Hey, Dave.
- Andrew.Copy !req
293. Good to see you guys hugging.Copy !req
294. How was the doctor?Copy !req
295. Psychotic.Copy !req
296. Well, did you get any good
promotion news from Mr. Head?Copy !req
297. I wasn't able to talk to him
about that yet, but I will.Copy !req
298. Not that crowded here.
You'd think it would be packed.Copy !req
299. I rented the place. I figured it'd be
more fun if it was just Brown alumni.Copy !req
300. Where'd you go to college again?Copy !req
301. Trenton Community College.Copy !req
302. You had a hard day.
Let me buy you a milk shake.Copy !req
303. Later, Andrew.Copy !req
304. —once you cast your line in,
so during retrieval...Copy !req
305. it'll help you to create a realistic
and erratic...Copy !req
306. Hey, Dave.Copy !req
307. - Hey. Andrew, what's up?
- Not much.Copy !req
308. You always try to simulate live bait.Copy !req
309. Okay, they got fishing while you
go to the bathroom. That's nice.Copy !req
310. Yep. Bass fishing.
Hey, he caught one.Copy !req
311. Be aware of your presentation...Copy !req
312. and make sure that,
as you work it along...Copy !req
313. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
314. Congratulations.Copy !req
315. Now that is a big one, folks.Copy !req
316. Always a blast being with your friends.Copy !req
317. It was a great night.Copy !req
318. Yankees winning, beer and hot dogs.Copy !req
319. Yeah, you like those foot-long
hot dogs, don't you?Copy !req
320. So I saw your boy Andrew
at the urinal.Copy !req
321. Saw his...Copy !req
322. - ... thing.
- You were looking?Copy !req
323. Yeah, unfortunately.Copy !req
324. So, now, did this guy grow up near
a nuclear power plant or something?Copy !req
325. What are you talking about?Copy !req
326. Never really seen nothing like that
before. Didn't it use to scare you?Copy !req
327. I never saw it.Copy !req
328. You never saw it?Copy !req
329. No, I told you, I never slept with him.
Why, is it huge?Copy !req
330. No. No. No. No.Copy !req
331. It's actually quite petite.Copy !req
332. I felt bad for him.Copy !req
333. It looked like it belonged on a baby
and it had a funny colour.Copy !req
334. I bet he got a lot of snickers
in the locker room.Copy !req
335. Like, "What the hell's that thing?"Copy !req
336. When you're in a locker room,
you must feel good about yourself.Copy !req
337. I do. If there are 20 naked guys
in there, I'm usually in the top 18.Copy !req
338. - Which isn't bad.
- You're doing really good.Copy !req
339. Thanks.Copy !req
340. - Who's that?
- I don't know. Let me get rid of them.Copy !req
341. - Hello?
- Dave, it's me, Chuck.Copy !req
342. - Who's Chuck?
- Your anger ally.Copy !req
343. I'm in a mood, Dave. A bad mood.Copy !req
344. A very bad mood.Copy !req
345. I was fired from my ice-cream truck job
today. No more Fudgeicles.Copy !req
346. - What's an anger ally?
- Who's that?Copy !req
347. She making fun of me?Copy !req
348. No. That's my girlfriend.Copy !req
349. You tell her to put a sock in it because
I need to talk to you right now!Copy !req
350. We're a little busy right now.Copy !req
351. You're busy? We're all busy, okay?Copy !req
352. You come down here before
a black wolf swallows my brain!Copy !req
353. After I got kicked out of the Army,
I went through a real bad time:Copy !req
354. Hookers, booze, shooting holes in the
ceiling, screaming myself to sleep.Copy !req
355. Finally, my parents said I
had to move out.Copy !req
356. I'm guessing that's when you decided
to shack up with your aunt.Copy !req
357. Don't get cute, wiseass!Copy !req
358. But, yes.Copy !req
359. What's with the watch, huh?
Am I boring you?Copy !req
360. We ordered the drinks 1I5 minutes ago
and I kind of gotta get back.Copy !req
361. Miss? Excuse me, miss?Copy !req
362. Is this
Slow And Stupid Waitress Day?Copy !req
363. I'm sorry. I be right with you.Copy !req
364. Damn, man, reminds me
of these chicks back in the war.Copy !req
365. Would give you the old licky-licky,
then fry your banana.Copy !req
366. Settle.Copy !req
367. Did you see that?Copy !req
368. - See what?
- That guy. He just gave me a look.Copy !req
369. He didn't give you a look.Copy !req
370. And I'm pretty sure I heard him mutter
some kind of anti-Semitic remark.Copy !req
371. Are you Jewish?Copy !req
372. I could be. But, no. Half Irish,
half Italian, half Mexican.Copy !req
373. Let's go give those guys some tsuris.Copy !req
374. Well, the guy on the left is blind,
Chuck.Copy !req
375. I hear you.Copy !req
376. He's yours.Copy !req
377. No. That's not what I was saying.Copy !req
378. - Hey.
- What the hell?Copy !req
379. Got something against guys
with hair?Copy !req
380. What's going on?Copy !req
381. Don't! Stop it! Stop!Copy !req
382. Stop! Goosfraba!Copy !req
383. You piece of shit!Copy !req
384. Stop it! Stop it!Copy !req
385. Welcome back, Mr. Buznik.Copy !req
386. I see you've managed to brutalize
a cocktail waitress this time.Copy !req
387. I guess beating up stewardesses
can get old after a while.Copy !req
388. Flight attendant, Your Honour.Copy !req
389. I didn't hit her on purpose,
Your Honour.Copy !req
390. I was being attacked by someone...Copy !req
391. and while I was
trying to take away his...Copy !req
392. His...Copy !req
393. Trying to take away my cane,
Your Honour.Copy !req
394. You cracked a waitress in the face...Copy !req
395. while attempting to steal
a blind man's cane?Copy !req
396. Your Honour, we're not even sure
how blind this man really is.Copy !req
397. Okay. My bad. Moving on.Copy !req
398. Happy now, ass-wipe?Copy !req
399. Mr. Buznik, I don't know
why you hate women.Copy !req
400. Maybe you don't know either...Copy !req
401. but I'll let you think about it while
you spend one year in a state prison.Copy !req
402. - Isn't that a bit harsh, Your Honour?
- No!Copy !req
403. Okay.Copy !req
404. - May I approach, Your Honour?
- By all means, Dr. Rydell.Copy !req
405. Thank you.Copy !req
406. - It's been a while.
- Yes, it has.Copy !req
407. - You look marvellous, Brenda.
- Thank you.Copy !req
408. So do you have a take
on this Buznik guy?Copy !req
409. Is this good or bad?Copy !req
410. Well, it's bad that he's
talking to her...Copy !req
411. but it's good that...Copy !req
412. No, it's bad. It's all bad.Copy !req
413. - You think you can help him?
- I think so, Your Honour.Copy !req
414. If I can't, I'll tear him apart
with my bare hands.Copy !req
415. Mr. Buznik...Copy !req
416. because of the enormous respect
I have for Dr. Rydell...Copy !req
417. I'm placing you in his intensive
anger management programme...Copy !req
418. for 30 days.Copy !req
419. But if you fail to strictly adhere
to the rules of his programme...Copy !req
420. you will spend the next year
in state prison.Copy !req
421. - Buddy?
- Good evening. Ready to get it on?Copy !req
422. Get what on?
What are you doing here?Copy !req
423. Well, well, well.Copy !req
424. The lair of the rage rhino.Copy !req
425. I smell the effluvium
of pain and frustration.Copy !req
426. - Where should we put my stuff?
- What stuff?Copy !req
427. We've got 30 days
to control your anger.Copy !req
428. My approach dictates
intense observation.Copy !req
429. What better vantage point
than bunkmates?Copy !req
430. Put that there, Dan,
thank you very much.Copy !req
431. No. No. I'm sorry. Guys, I don't think
you should be moving in with me.Copy !req
432. Sit down, Dave.Copy !req
433. Let's be perfectly clear about this.Copy !req
434. You've been deemed
a threat to society.Copy !req
435. I believe that radical,
round-the-clock therapy...Copy !req
436. is the only way to effect
a meaningful and positive change...Copy !req
437. in your behaviour.Copy !req
438. Now we can do it here
or in prison.Copy !req
439. - Anything else, Dr. B?
- No thanks, Dan.Copy !req
440. We'll install the wiretaps tomorrow.Copy !req
441. Wiretaps?Copy !req
442. - Is this your CD collection?
- Yes.Copy !req
443. Oh, my.Copy !req
444. What are you doing?Copy !req
445. I don't want you listening
to any angry music.Copy !req
446. The Carpenters are angry?
I mean...Copy !req
447. Don't be naive, Dave.Copy !req
448. "Close to You."
"We've Only Just Begun."Copy !req
449. Songs of madness and obsession.Copy !req
450. Who's going to pay for that?Copy !req
451. Retard your anger level a few notches
and listen to me. Can you do that?Copy !req
452. Yeah. It's retarded. I'm retarded.Copy !req
453. Good.Copy !req
454. Now then, we need to go over
some ground rules.Copy !req
455. My girlfriend got me that.Copy !req
456. You're to refrain from violent acts
including verbal assault...Copy !req
457. and vulgar hand gestures.Copy !req
458. You may not use rage-enhancing
substances...Copy !req
459. such as caffeine, nicotine, alcohol,
crack cocaine...Copy !req
460. Slippy-Flippies, Jelly Stingers,
Trick Sticks...Copy !req
461. Bing Bangs or Flying Willards.Copy !req
462. Also, if you are unable
to stop masturbating...Copy !req
463. please do so without the use
of any pornographic images...Copy !req
464. depicting quote-unquote
"angry sex."Copy !req
465. That having been said,
I'm a pretty good guy...Copy !req
466. and I think you'll be
pleasantly surprised...Copy !req
467. at how much fun we can have.Copy !req
468. Jeez, without Slippy-Flippies or angry
masturbating? How is that possible?Copy !req
469. Sarcasm is anger's ugly cousin.
From now on, unacceptable.Copy !req
470. Dave, I got this for you.Copy !req
471. It's a wonderfully therapeutic tool.Copy !req
472. Record your thoughts on this
whenever you feel angry.Copy !req
473. I'm feeling very angry right now...Copy !req
474. because I only have one bed
and no couch.Copy !req
475. Not a problem.Copy !req
476. In Europe, it's not considered unusual
for three or four men to share a bed.Copy !req
477. Yeah, well, that's why I'm
proud to be an American.Copy !req
478. By the way...Copy !req
479. I like to sleep in the nude.Copy !req
480. You hear that frog?Copy !req
481. Nope.Copy !req
482. What do you want?Copy !req
483. I'm just recording your demeanour
upon awakening.Copy !req
484. Good to see you got your underwear
back on.Copy !req
485. 6:30?Copy !req
486. I don't gotta be up till 7.Copy !req
487. You've got to make my breakfast.Copy !req
488. Dave, cooking is very relaxing
and therapeutic.Copy !req
489. I want two eggs,
over easy and unfertilized...Copy !req
490. wheat toast, dry, and please...Copy !req
491. tell me you've got ketchup.Copy !req
492. There's a Denny's down the street.Copy !req
493. Not only do they have ketchup...Copy !req
494. but they got the angriest waitresses
I've seen.Copy !req
495. You could have a blast with
the goosfraba thing down there.Copy !req
496. Lame-o.Copy !req
497. Your eggs.Copy !req
498. - Holy shit!
- I said over easy!Copy !req
499. Now, why did I do that?Copy !req
500. Because I refused to spoon with you
last night?Copy !req
501. The angry man opens his mouth
and shuts his eyes.Copy !req
502. Alpha-Bits.Copy !req
503. No matter how old I get,
always a culinary delight.Copy !req
504. No explanation for the egg throwing.
He's a psycho.Copy !req
505. Don't sulk, Dave. Eat. Sit down.Copy !req
506. We'll be off to work in a jiffy.Copy !req
507. "We'll be off to work." Now, by "we'll,"
I assume you mean just me, right?Copy !req
508. Well, I have to join you at work.Copy !req
509. Full contact.Copy !req
510. That will make me look nuts, Buddy,
bringing a shrink to work...Copy !req
511. you whipping eggs at people.
I don't know.Copy !req
512. You must never be ashamed that you
sought help for yourself, Dave.Copy !req
513. It's not a weakness.Copy !req
514. I mean, I gotta be there by 9:00.Copy !req
515. I don't think we'll make it on time.
You're not even dressed.Copy !req
516. The Talmud says:
"Wherever you look...Copy !req
517. there's something to be seen."Copy !req
518. Look, Dave.Copy !req
519. - What exactly was that all about?
- What?Copy !req
520. You just ran through a red light.
Are you trying to get us both killed?Copy !req
521. I'm a little flustered right now.
I have to be to work in eight minutes.Copy !req
522. Flustered?Copy !req
523. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, man!Copy !req
524. - Holy shit! What are you doing?
- I need you to unfluster.Copy !req
525. My boss is going to go nuts on me
if we're late, so please?Copy !req
526. We will proceed when you
are centred.Copy !req
527. I'm centred, I'm centred.Copy !req
528. There's 1I0,000 people behind us.
Let's go, crazy man.Copy !req
529. What is that? Is that good?Copy !req
530. We're going to sing a song.Copy !req
531. No. I don't want to sing a song.
I want to go to... I've gotta go.Copy !req
532. Here we go.Copy !req
533. The magic of Leonard Bernstein
and Stephen Sondheim's...Copy !req
534. West Side Story.Copy !req
535. "I Feel Pretty."Copy !req
536. Get this moving.
What the hell's your problem?Copy !req
537. Shut your pie-hole!
We're working here!Copy !req
538. Wow. Sorry.Copy !req
539. Move your ass, dipshit!Copy !req
540. Burn in hell!Copy !req
541. Yes!Copy !req
542. You feel stunning.Copy !req
543. And entrancing.Copy !req
544. You're late.Copy !req
545. Yes. There was a little bit
of a tie-up on the bridge.Copy !req
546. I didn't ask for a traffic report.
You're always late.Copy !req
547. Now is the first time I've been late.
But you're right. I'm sorry.Copy !req
548. May I interject?Copy !req
549. You were about to say something else
before you said, "I'm sorry."Copy !req
550. We mustn't absorb and repress.Copy !req
551. - Who's this?
- I'm his anger management therapist.Copy !req
552. You're in anger management?Copy !req
553. Temporarily, yeah.Copy !req
554. Do you remember the flight
to St. Louis...Copy !req
555. that I was on when they had to
turn the plane around?Copy !req
556. Yeah, yeah. Because of that unruly
passenger in coach.Copy !req
557. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!Copy !req
558. He doesn't like people
touching his clubs.Copy !req
559. Well, that unruly passenger was me.Copy !req
560. I got arrested at Kennedy. That's why
I didn't make the next flight.Copy !req
561. You said your apartment caught fire.Copy !req
562. Dissembling is a common tool
of the anger junkie.Copy !req
563. Might I have your first name,
Mr. Head? And tell me it isn't Dick.Copy !req
564. - It's Frank.
- Fran.Copy !req
565. Isn't that normally a girl's name?Copy !req
566. What went on on that flight?Copy !req
567. To be honest with you,
it was a mix-up. I...Copy !req
568. Jibber jabber. Jibber jabbering.
Mumbo jumbo.Copy !req
569. Denial. Key, key, key, key, key, key.Copy !req
570. Fran, your assistant beat the bejesus
out of a flight attendant.Copy !req
571. - I didn't.
- You broke her nose.Copy !req
572. I broke the cocktail waitress's nose.Copy !req
573. I mean, I accidentally did that.Copy !req
574. Dave, you have a disease.Copy !req
575. Would you apologise if you
were a diabetic? Of course not.Copy !req
576. Why do you feel you have to apologise
because you're suffering from T.A.S.?Copy !req
577. T.A.S.?Copy !req
578. Toxic Anger Syndrome.Copy !req
579. I don't have T.A.S.Copy !req
580. He's angry. It's a sickness,
not a crime, Fran.Copy !req
581. His name is Frank!Copy !req
582. No. I'm sorry.Copy !req
583. Clothes for cats
isn't really a new idea...Copy !req
584. but there was never really a line
made for overweight cats...Copy !req
585. who might feel a little
self-conscious...Copy !req
586. about how they look
in certain outfits.Copy !req
587. That's why I got the baggy sweater
on him, to cover up his gut.Copy !req
588. And the beret to take attention
off his plump head.Copy !req
589. Oh, little Meatball.
You tie this up tight...Copy !req
590. and away goes the chin.Copy !req
591. I'm so handsome.Copy !req
592. - Hey, Dave. This is your office?
- Andrew.Copy !req
593. - What are you doing here?
- I played golf with Frank.Copy !req
594. He's friends with my dad. We're
members of the same country club.Copy !req
595. Really? I've been wanting to play golf
with him a long time.Copy !req
596. - Is it awesome there?
- It's nice.Copy !req
597. So, anyway, Dave,
how's anger management going?Copy !req
598. Who told you about that?Copy !req
599. Linda's my best friend.
There's no secrets between us.Copy !req
600. For the love of Mike!
This guy's your girl's best friend?Copy !req
601. No. I mean, I like to consider myself
her best friend...Copy !req
602. but Andrew is her best friend friend,
if that makes any sense.Copy !req
603. You ought to golf yourself.
You look a little stressed out.Copy !req
604. I gotta go. Bye.Copy !req
605. Well, well, well.Copy !req
606. This guy's got quite a basket on him.Copy !req
607. Really? I didn't notice that.Copy !req
608. Do you really want the love of your life
hanging around with a guy...Copy !req
609. who looks as though he could satisfy
a blue whale?Copy !req
610. Well, it's...
I'm doing okay myself, pal.Copy !req
611. Maybe it's the way his pants fit him.Copy !req
612. What's up?Copy !req
613. - This is your young lady?
- That's my Linda.Copy !req
614. My, oh, my.Copy !req
615. I was toying with the notion
that you were gay...Copy !req
616. because of the kitty-cat clothes,
so forth.Copy !req
617. What does she do?Copy !req
618. She teaches poetry. Poetry teacher.Copy !req
619. I love poetry.Copy !req
620. Oh, my, my, my. It's...Copy !req
621. Yes, it's a good picture of her.Copy !req
622. Well, apparently Dr. Rydell has a
history of unorthodox techniques.Copy !req
623. He's got a dozen lawsuits pending.Copy !req
624. So it's not just me.
This guy is nuts, isn't he?Copy !req
625. Or a genius.Copy !req
626. But if you could prove that he's nuts:
audiotape, video, picture, whatever...Copy !req
627. I'll arrange a hearing.Copy !req
628. I gotta go. I think he's coming.Copy !req
629. Meatball! You tub of goo,
you scared the hell out of me.Copy !req
630. I don't care for the way you've
ironed my shirts, Dave. Try it again.Copy !req
631. - I've been very patient with you.
- Beware the fury of the patient man.Copy !req
632. - I'm serious!
- Too serious.Copy !req
633. Get undressed.Copy !req
634. What did you say?Copy !req
635. Take off your clothes.Copy !req
636. I've got a stress-reduction technique
to show you.Copy !req
637. - It'll be good for you.
- Take off my clothes?Copy !req
638. Do you want to see me naked, Buddy?Copy !req
639. Are you a homophobe, Dave?Copy !req
640. No, I'm a pulling-my-penis-out-
in-front-of-you-a-phobe.Copy !req
641. Let's take a walk on the wild side.Copy !req
642. - What's up, baby?
- Why are we here?Copy !req
643. I'm not a homophobe.Copy !req
644. My lawyer's gay. His boyfriend is gay.Copy !req
645. And are they all aware
that you despise them?Copy !req
646. Looking for company, baby?Copy !req
647. No. We're not. Thank you.Copy !req
648. It's worth 50 bucks...Copy !req
649. if you get in the back seat with
my friend here and have a little chat.Copy !req
650. My pleasure, Mr. Eyebrows.Copy !req
651. Oh, boy, here we go.Copy !req
652. - Hello.
- Hey. Good to see you.Copy !req
653. - What's your name, baby?
- Melvin.Copy !req
654. His name is David. Don't dissemble.Copy !req
655. I'm not dissembling.
That's my Hebrew name.Copy !req
656. I'm Galaxia. That's my German name.Copy !req
657. Great.Copy !req
658. Where are you from originally,
Hebrew Melvin?Copy !req
659. Brooklyn.Copy !req
660. What part of Germany
do you hail from?Copy !req
661. I'm from a little Bavarian village
called Lickin Zee Dickin.Copy !req
662. Care to visit?Copy !req
663. Actually, I like to spend
most of my time...Copy !req
664. in Girls Without Wieners-ville.Copy !req
665. I'm more comfortable there.Copy !req
666. He's just not used to male intimacy.Copy !req
667. Well, that's okay, because I'm a lady.Copy !req
668. Oops, no, I'm not.Copy !req
669. Whoa! There it is.Copy !req
670. I feel like dancing. Dancing.Copy !req
671. Oh, my God.Copy !req
672. What does this have to do
with anger management?Copy !req
673. - Oh, are you an angry boy?
- No.Copy !req
674. Do you need some discipline?Copy !req
675. No, thank you very—Copy !req
676. Oh! Hey! Hey, watch that shit!Copy !req
677. Listen, ladies! Gentleman! Lentleman!Copy !req
678. I'm not having sex with a she-male!
Relax!Copy !req
679. Galaxia, you may
get out of the car now.Copy !req
680. Your services are no longer required.Copy !req
681. You know what?Copy !req
682. You guys are freaks.Copy !req
683. Give me the tape recorder.Copy !req
684. Come on.Copy !req
685. Patient number 135, David Buznik...Copy !req
686. has learned the difference between
unhealthy anger and righteous anger.Copy !req
687. Thus he has advanced
to the second level of my programme.Copy !req
688. Great. Can I go throw up now?Copy !req
689. I'm a lady. Oops, no, I'm not.Copy !req
690. - Whoa, there it is.
- I feel like dancing.Copy !req
691. Wasn't that sick?
She looked like Olivia Newton-John...Copy !req
692. if she was really ugly
and had huge balls.Copy !req
693. But Buddy didn't order you
to have sex.Copy !req
694. I'm getting a call. Please hang on.Copy !req
695. - Hello?
- Is Buddy there?Copy !req
696. No, he's in the shower right now.Copy !req
697. This is Becky, his assistant.Copy !req
698. Just tell him his mom called
from Boston.Copy !req
699. She said she's having
some minor surgery.Copy !req
700. It's not serious, but she'll be at Boston
County Hospital for the next two days.Copy !req
701. Miracles of modern science.
I am stimulating my hair follicles...Copy !req
702. and brushing my teeth
at the same time.Copy !req
703. It looks really good.Copy !req
704. What's the matter?Copy !req
705. Your mom. They took her
to the hospital, Buddy.Copy !req
706. What's wrong with my mother?Copy !req
707. She's having surgery.Copy !req
708. I'm sorry.Copy !req
709. - Is it serious?
- When is surgery not serious?Copy !req
710. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're right.Copy !req
711. Maybe I better get up to Boston...Copy !req
712. see what's going on up there.Copy !req
713. Yeah. Yeah.
Why don't you just go up there.Copy !req
714. Spend some quality time. I'll stay here.Copy !req
715. It'll be good for you guys.Copy !req
716. Oh, God.Copy !req
717. You're all I got, Mom.
Please don't leave me.Copy !req
718. No more clam chowder.Copy !req
719. Buddy...Copy !req
720. it was a joke.Copy !req
721. I'm sorry.
You don't have to cry anymore.Copy !req
722. - A joke?
- Yeah.Copy !req
723. Oh, boy.Copy !req
724. A joke. A jo— I...Copy !req
725. I can't believe that I fell for that one.Copy !req
726. I really thought my mother
was having surgery.Copy !req
727. I'm going to get you back
for that one.Copy !req
728. Just so you know,
she really is having surgery.Copy !req
729. I thought you said you were joking.Copy !req
730. No, the serious part was the joke.Copy !req
731. She's having surgery,
but just minor surgery.Copy !req
732. Maybe I better get up to Boston...Copy !req
733. see what's really going on up there.Copy !req
734. Why don't you—? You just
shoot up there. I'll be here.Copy !req
735. What?Copy !req
736. - I can't believe he's making me go.
- How come you guys aren't flying?Copy !req
737. Because Dr. Cocoa Puff said legally
I'm not allowed to get on a plane.Copy !req
738. Meanwhile, I've got Head up my ass
about that catalogue.Copy !req
739. I've got to get it done with nut-boy
in Boston.Copy !req
740. Why can't Head
write his own catalogue?Copy !req
741. Because I've got to earn
that promotion.Copy !req
742. You've been doing his job for years.
You should be his—Copy !req
743. I'm sorry. I know this is really
stressing you out.Copy !req
744. I'm sure that it's going to be over
before you know it.Copy !req
745. Yeah, if I don't get caught
popping any Jelly Stingers.Copy !req
746. Well, that's going to be tough!Copy !req
747. Oh, God. There he is.Copy !req
748. - That's him?
- Yes.Copy !req
749. What? Oh. Okay, I'll hold that.Copy !req
750. My—Copy !req
751. The quiet warmthCopy !req
752. Smouldering beneath the rituals
Of hope for familiarityCopy !req
753. A coursing underground riverCopy !req
754. Pregnant with the chance currents
Of knowledge and loveCopy !req
755. - What?
- That's my poem! I wrote that.Copy !req
756. I know.Copy !req
757. That is your poem. I love that poem.Copy !req
758. I found it crumpled up
behind the sports pages...Copy !req
759. on the floor of David's bedroom.Copy !req
760. - Shades of early Emily Dickinson.
- Who was great on Police Woman.Copy !req
761. Thank you. And thank you
for rescuing it from the floor.Copy !req
762. I think I better get going.Copy !req
763. I'll miss you, big guy,
so take good care.Copy !req
764. - How about a kiss?
- I'd love a kiss.Copy !req
765. I think she's talking to me.
I think I can handle it.Copy !req
766. So why don't you back up
an inch or two.Copy !req
767. Got it.Copy !req
768. Thank you. And, take care.Copy !req
769. Have a great trip, you guys.Copy !req
770. Oh, we will.Copy !req
771. Bye.Copy !req
772. What?Copy !req
773. Some mindless nitwit
is parked behind me.Copy !req
774. Good. Then we can't go.Copy !req
775. No, I can get out.Copy !req
776. - Get in.
- I don't know how you'll get out.Copy !req
777. Try to wiggle out, you're going to get
a ding. But you know everything.Copy !req
778. What's he doing?Copy !req
779. Another great performance
by the master of anger control.Copy !req
780. Now we're bumping into cars.Copy !req
781. I'm just making a little room
to back up.Copy !req
782. If I had lost my temper...Copy !req
783. would I have had
the presence of mind...Copy !req
784. to leave my card
and my insurance information?Copy !req
785. Whatever, Mr. Insane-Vein-Popping-
A-Little-Too-Far-Out-Of-His-Head-...Copy !req
786. While-Swinging-The-Bat Guy.Copy !req
787. I think you've got room to back up.Copy !req
788. Why haven't you taken Linda
off the market?Copy !req
789. Think you can do better?Copy !req
790. I'm going to ask her to marry me
when I'm ready.Copy !req
791. Nobody wants to settle down
with a 35-year-old secretary.Copy !req
792. Procrastination, Dave.Copy !req
793. I'm not procrastinating.Copy !req
794. I even think about how I'm
going to pop the question.Copy !req
795. Husky down jacket.
Husky Eskimo look.Copy !req
796. What's your plan,
ask her at a Yankee game?Copy !req
797. Actually, yes. How did you know?Copy !req
798. I said the corniest thing
I could think of.Copy !req
799. If you knew Linda, you'd know
how uncorny it would be to her.Copy !req
800. Putting up a "Marry me, please"
on the scoreboard...Copy !req
801. proclaiming my love for her
in front of thousands of strangers.Copy !req
802. As you seem to have noticed, I'm
a little bit jumpy with public affection.Copy !req
803. You seemed to be lovey-dovey
back there.Copy !req
804. Glad you think that's funny.
I gotta work.Copy !req
805. A five-hour trip to find out Mommy
had a jelly bean...Copy !req
806. removed from her nose.Copy !req
807. I'm glad I missed work.
Can we eat now?Copy !req
808. You could have her, you know.Copy !req
809. I'm sure she'd love to hang out
with a goofy secretary...Copy !req
810. whose only talent
is nostril wiggling.Copy !req
811. - Girls love that.
- Dave...Copy !req
812. you've got a lot more going for you
than wiggly nostrils.Copy !req
813. I want you to go over there
and ask that woman out.Copy !req
814. No, I got a girlfriend.Copy !req
815. I'm not telling you to elope with her.
Just go over and flirt a little bit.Copy !req
816. Flirting is cheating's ugly cousin,
Buddy.Copy !req
817. I'm not a cheater.Copy !req
818. Is it cheating if you're passed around
the cell block like a peace pipe?Copy !req
819. Because that is what's on the docket
for you if you don't go and ask her out.Copy !req
820. Okay, Dave?Copy !req
821. Oh, God.Copy !req
822. That's my boy.Copy !req
823. Excuse me.Copy !req
824. I was wondering if I could buy you
a drink. I see that you have a drink...Copy !req
825. but I could get you another
when you're through with that one.Copy !req
826. Bite me.Copy !req
827. Nice meeting you. Okay.Copy !req
828. Can you guess why she rejected you?Copy !req
829. She wanted to be like the 2000 other
girls who said that to me growing up?Copy !req
830. No. Self-hypnotic negative imagery.Copy !req
831. Confidence is the key
to winning a young lady's attention.Copy !req
832. Now, listen to me very carefully.Copy !req
833. - Approach Miss Thing again.
- No.Copy !req
834. With confidence.Copy !req
835. And if she says no this time...Copy !req
836. I will admit that I am a failure
as a therapist...Copy !req
837. and release you from my programme.Copy !req
838. You'll release me
from your programme?Copy !req
839. Okay.Copy !req
840. Just go over there
and repeat the following...Copy !req
841. I'm sorry I was so rude before...Copy !req
842. but it's difficult for me
to express myself...Copy !req
843. when I'm on the verge of exploding
in my pants.Copy !req
844. - Get out of here.
- Trust me, Dave.Copy !req
845. If you are calm as well as witty,
she will respond.Copy !req
846. Witty went out the window with
the pants explosion thing, thanks.Copy !req
847. My offer stands.Copy !req
848. So if I repeat that crazy shit...Copy !req
849. you probably stole from
a porno flick, you sick bastard...Copy !req
850. and get rejected...Copy !req
851. you'll release me
from the programme?Copy !req
852. Exactly.Copy !req
853. Here we go.Copy !req
854. Go get them, Mr. Johnson.Copy !req
855. I'm sorry I was so rude before...Copy !req
856. but it's difficult for me...Copy !req
857. to express myself...Copy !req
858. when I am on the verge...Copy !req
859. of exploding in my pants.Copy !req
860. You are too cute.Copy !req
861. Get the fuck out of here.Copy !req
862. - I'm Kendra.
- I'm Dave.Copy !req
863. Let me buy you a drink.Copy !req
864. Can I get a cosmopolitan?Copy !req
865. I couldn't take it anymore...Copy !req
866. so finally I just tell my boss:Copy !req
867. "Hey, baldy, if I want crap out of you,
I'll squeeze your head."Copy !req
868. - I didn't say that, but I should have.
- You are so funny.Copy !req
869. Too bad you're leaving town.
We could have fun together.Copy !req
870. Unfortunately, I am leaving
in the morning.Copy !req
871. In fact, I think I gotta get back
to my friend.Copy !req
872. What's the matter?Copy !req
873. - You gotta be kidding me.
- What's wrong?Copy !req
874. My friend took off on me.Copy !req
875. I can give you a ride.Copy !req
876. I don't even know where the guy lives.Copy !req
877. We can hang out at my place until you
get in touch with him.Copy !req
878. I bet there's like 50 Rydells in here.Copy !req
879. I shouldn't eat this. I'm getting so fat.Copy !req
880. What? You're not fat.Copy !req
881. My clothes hide it, but I'm
getting gooey right here.Copy !req
882. I don't see any goo.Copy !req
883. You want to see goo,
I'll show you my ass.Copy !req
884. Well, I see it,
and I didn't five years ago.Copy !req
885. I went out with this guy,
and he wouldn't sleep with me.Copy !req
886. And I asked him why, and he said that
when he saw me without my clothes...Copy !req
887. that I look like a porker.Copy !req
888. He was probably just nervous
because you're beautiful and...Copy !req
889. Anyways, you're not a porker.
You're the un-porker.Copy !req
890. You're Sizzlean.Copy !req
891. - You're so sweet, Dave.
- Well, you're sweet, Kendra.Copy !req
892. Thanks for having me here.
He said her name was Rose.Copy !req
893. Rose.Copy !req
894. Rose Rydell. Rose Rydell.
Rose Rydell.Copy !req
895. Rose Rydell! I got it!Copy !req
896. Kendra...Copy !req
897. even though I'd love to see you
take that bra off...Copy !req
898. because it represents a team
I've hated my entire life...Copy !req
899. I think you gotta keep it on.Copy !req
900. Why?Copy !req
901. Because I got a girlfriend.Copy !req
902. I'm not a child, Dave.Copy !req
903. If you think I'm a porker,
then just come right out and say it.Copy !req
904. No. I don't think you're a porker.Copy !req
905. Then why when the idea of sleeping
with me comes up...Copy !req
906. do you all of a sudden
have a "girlfriend"?Copy !req
907. Because I do. I do. I have a girlfriend.Copy !req
908. Said the liar to the beached whale!Copy !req
909. You're not a beached whale.Copy !req
910. If anything, you could even
gain a few pounds.Copy !req
911. So now I'm too skinny for you?Copy !req
912. No. I didn't mean that.Copy !req
913. - Is this what you want, Dave?
- No.Copy !req
914. If I put on a few pounds...Copy !req
915. will you be able to stifle your vomit
long enough to have sex with me?Copy !req
916. Holy shit.Copy !req
917. Are you such a hot stud
that you'll break me in two?Copy !req
918. You're angry right now. Wanna sing?
Do you know "I Feel Pretty"?Copy !req
919. - Get out! Get out!
- Stop!Copy !req
920. Get out!Copy !req
921. Get out!Copy !req
922. Porker!Copy !req
923. Fatty!Copy !req
924. No!Copy !req
925. How did it go, pal?Copy !req
926. - Why'd you ditch me?
- What are you talking about?Copy !req
927. You gave me the signal.Copy !req
928. I didn't give you the signal to leave.Copy !req
929. I gave you the signal to say your
gross pickup line actually worked.Copy !req
930. Well, of course it did.Copy !req
931. So did Little Davey need
some anger management?Copy !req
932. - That chick was killer.
- Serial killer.Copy !req
933. She tried to chocolate me to death.Copy !req
934. Anyways, I don't cheat on Linda.Copy !req
935. - Speaking of Linda, she called earlier.
- Oh, yeah?Copy !req
936. She seemed a little bit
bent out of shape.Copy !req
937. - About what?
- Your being out with another woman.Copy !req
938. - How would she know that?
- I told her.Copy !req
939. - What else could I do?
- What else could you do?Copy !req
940. You could've told her something else.
I was at the bank. I was at the store.Copy !req
941. I ate bad guacamole
and I couldn't stop shitting!Copy !req
942. Any of those would have been fine!Copy !req
943. Well, I'm sorry, Dave,
but I don't lie for my patients.Copy !req
944. You want to leave your friend and
run off and chase some hot babe...Copy !req
945. you can't expect me to cover for you.Copy !req
946. I did what you told me to do,
you sick, demented man.Copy !req
947. What are you laughing at?Copy !req
948. What's so funny?Copy !req
949. Kendra is an ex-patient of mine,
an actress. Pretty good one too.Copy !req
950. I arranged for her to be in the bar
and for you to pick her up.Copy !req
951. You were messing with me?Copy !req
952. Yeah. You know, just a joke
between friends...Copy !req
953. like the one you pulled on me
about my dying mother.Copy !req
954. I told you I'd get you back for that.Copy !req
955. All right.Copy !req
956. So you really didn't talk to Linda.Copy !req
957. Of course I did.
That's what made it so funny.Copy !req
958. Where's your phone?Copy !req
959. She's not home, Dave.
She went out with her pal Andrea.Copy !req
960. She doesn't know any Andreas.
You mean Andrew?Copy !req
961. Yeah, that's it.
Andrew, the testicle with legs.Copy !req
962. "The testicle with legs." Great!Copy !req
963. Now wait a minute. Calm down a bit.
Try some deep breathing.Copy !req
964. Maybe just hum a little "I Feel Pretty."Copy !req
965. No! How about you hum
the "I'm a Crazy Asshole" song?Copy !req
966. And take me home,
you psychotic piece of wacko.Copy !req
967. I never thought you'd take it like this.Copy !req
968. So, what, we're not going to talk at all?Copy !req
969. Would you forgive me if I told you
I called Linda last night...Copy !req
970. after our little fracas
and explained that it was my fault?Copy !req
971. What did she say?Copy !req
972. Well, she's not mad at you anymore,
but she let me have it pretty good.Copy !req
973. You deserved it. I did nothing wrong.Copy !req
974. I know. I know.Copy !req
975. Friends?Copy !req
976. Yeah.Copy !req
977. - Take a little nap.
- I am tired.Copy !req
978. Well, you had a rough night.Copy !req
979. Stop with the cupcake!Copy !req
980. Rise and shine, Sir Snoozola.Copy !req
981. What's going on? Where are we?Copy !req
982. Well, at a great deal of expense
and effort...Copy !req
983. we have managed to locate
your grade school bête noire...Copy !req
984. Arnie Shankman.Copy !req
985. We do desire a confrontation with him,
do we not?Copy !req
986. What? Do you mean the kid
who bullied me in fifth grade?Copy !req
987. Dave, I think it's pivotal for you
to confront your childhood nemesis.Copy !req
988. Remember, for 22 more days,
you are mine.Copy !req
989. This is where Arnie Shankman lives?Copy !req
990. You're kidding me. You're going to
make me confront a monk.Copy !req
991. Great.Copy !req
992. Are you ashamed that you
never stood up to him?Copy !req
993. No. He was just a kid lashing out...Copy !req
994. because his sister got sent
to an insane asylum.Copy !req
995. I'm surprised your research
didn't tell you that.Copy !req
996. This doesn't look like him.Copy !req
997. Excuse me, Arnie Shankman?Copy !req
998. Sorry about waking you up.Copy !req
999. My name is Pana Kamanana...Copy !req
1000. but, yes, I was once known
as Arnie Shankman.Copy !req
1001. Arnie...Copy !req
1002. Pana Kamanana...Copy !req
1003. Dave Buznik
from elementary school.Copy !req
1004. David Buznik.Copy !req
1005. This is the last place I thought
I'd find you, a monastery.Copy !req
1006. You could say I've gone through
a rather dramatic transformation.Copy !req
1007. Could you excuse him for a second,
Peanuts?Copy !req
1008. His name's not Peanuts.
It's Pana Manapia.Copy !req
1009. You want me to fight a monk?
He's not even allowed to hurt a plant.Copy !req
1010. For Pete's sake, this is the monk
that twisted your tits!Copy !req
1011. Confront him or you're going to prison!Copy !req
1012. All right. All right. All right.Copy !req
1013. Anyways, what I wanted to
say to you was...Copy !req
1014. when we were kids, you kind of
bullied me around a little bit...Copy !req
1015. and I never really did anything
to deserve that kind of treatment.Copy !req
1016. Of course not. I was a real cretin then.Copy !req
1017. I did a lot of horrible things as a kid.Copy !req
1018. I pushed you around.
I called you nasty names.Copy !req
1019. You pulled my gym shorts down
in front of Sara Plowman.Copy !req
1020. That actually was pretty funny.Copy !req
1021. Jeez, I don't think that it was.Copy !req
1022. Now, come, David.
Humour is the spice of life.Copy !req
1023. The look on your face was priceless.Copy !req
1024. "Oh! Sara saw my pee-pee!"Copy !req
1025. So Pena likes the spicy humour.Copy !req
1026. Maybe he'd enjoy the knee-slapper
you told me about the great Buddha.Copy !req
1027. What did you say about Buddha?Copy !req
1028. Dave said, "How does a guy
who weighs over 600 pounds...Copy !req
1029. have the balls to teach people
about self-discipline?"Copy !req
1030. Let's not make fun of my God, here.Copy !req
1031. You know what else Dave finds
particularly piquant?Copy !req
1032. Recalling your nut-job sister
struggling with her underpants...Copy !req
1033. in a straitjacket.Copy !req
1034. You think that's funny?Copy !req
1035. Dave used to con her
into getting naked...Copy !req
1036. by saying that her clothes
had ghosts in them.Copy !req
1037. That never happened.Copy !req
1038. Then he'd pull out his winkie
and tell her...Copy !req
1039. it was a strawberry ice-cream cone.Copy !req
1040. Is that what you've come here
to tell me?Copy !req
1041. Did you expose yourself...Copy !req
1042. to my sister?Copy !req
1043. No.Copy !req
1044. - And don't shove me again.
- It's shower-room humiliation again.Copy !req
1045. He's giving you a wet willie and
making you chew on his jockstrap...Copy !req
1046. and fart blossom and all this.Copy !req
1047. Answer me, Buznik!
Did you get it on with my sister?Copy !req
1048. Over and over again.Copy !req
1049. And she moaned like a wildebeest.Copy !req
1050. Wildebeest.Copy !req
1051. Whoo! Now, that felt good!Copy !req
1052. I wasn't expecting that
from a Buddhist.Copy !req
1053. - I'm a little pissed off right now.
- You all right? You're all right.Copy !req
1054. David! David! No, David!Copy !req
1055. Easy, boy!Copy !req
1056. Sorry.Copy !req
1057. Help me, brother.Copy !req
1058. - Help me.
- Okay. Come on. Come on.Copy !req
1059. Okay, we're even. We're even now.Copy !req
1060. - I went crazy. I'm so sorry.
- I started it.Copy !req
1061. - I started it.
- It's all right.Copy !req
1062. And I'm gonna finish it!Copy !req
1063. Now we're even, butt-lick!Copy !req
1064. No! Don't! Don't! Don't!Copy !req
1065. "What's that, Auntie Em?
It's a twister!"Copy !req
1066. My nipples!Copy !req
1067. Pena! Look! Your sister's back.Copy !req
1068. I got Casper in my clothes!Copy !req
1069. - Pretty good.
- Thanks, baby.Copy !req
1070. I'll kill you!Copy !req
1071. You want that rake?Copy !req
1072. You can't get that rake from me!Copy !req
1073. Look, everybody!Copy !req
1074. Pana Banana's got a heinie.Copy !req
1075. - He's got a heinie!
- I give!Copy !req
1076. - I give!
- All right. I'm sorry.Copy !req
1077. - Friends?
- You suck!Copy !req
1078. Shankman!Copy !req
1079. Wedgie! Wedgie! Wedgie!Copy !req
1080. - I've seen enough.
- Hold it right there.Copy !req
1081. This party's by invitation only.Copy !req
1082. Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow!Copy !req
1083. Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!Copy !req
1084. Hold it back there! Come on, come on.Copy !req
1085. Start the car!Copy !req
1086. Go! Go! Go! Come on, let's go!Copy !req
1087. Now! Now! Now! Now!Copy !req
1088. Oh, boy!Copy !req
1089. We were like Butch and Sundance!Copy !req
1090. Oh, my God! I thought you
were going to shoot somebody!Copy !req
1091. You really threw me some curves
back there, kid.Copy !req
1092. I never expected it to go that way.Copy !req
1093. But you kicked some serious
monk ass there, baby.Copy !req
1094. You're damn right, baby!Copy !req
1095. - How did it feel?
- I feel good! I feel incredible!Copy !req
1096. I feel bad about molesting his sister
all those times, but it's all right!Copy !req
1097. - You really molested a crazy girl?
- No. Got you.Copy !req
1098. Congratulations, keed,
you've reached level three.Copy !req
1099. I would never have done anything
with that girl.Copy !req
1100. Don't worry. Dr. Rydell explained
everything to me, and I get it.Copy !req
1101. Dr. Rydell brought up an interesting
fact about me being a procrastinator...Copy !req
1102. and I was going to wait
for a Yankee game to do this...Copy !req
1103. but...Copy !req
1104. I don't know. I... It's something
I wanted to say to you...Copy !req
1105. and I'm having a hard time saying it
for some reason. But...Copy !req
1106. It's just that monks, they talk shit...Copy !req
1107. but they can't back it up.Copy !req
1108. That's what was so hard
to say to me?Copy !req
1109. Yeah.Copy !req
1110. You know, when I was on the phone
with Buddy, he gave me some advice.Copy !req
1111. That's great.
His advice is a little cuckoo...Copy !req
1112. but somehow it works.Copy !req
1113. Well, then I guess I'll just do
what he suggested.Copy !req
1114. I don't think that we should
see each other for a while.Copy !req
1115. Buddy thinks that a trial separation
will ultimately...Copy !req
1116. strengthen our relationship.Copy !req
1117. I play tennis, you dumb-ass!Copy !req
1118. I think we're gonna need another
session or two, Johnny Mac.Copy !req
1119. - You're back in the group.
- Doc, are you insane?Copy !req
1120. - You said I was out.
- You're in!Copy !req
1121. - Out!
- In!Copy !req
1122. - In! I'm changing the call!
- This is ridiculous!Copy !req
1123. - What kind of stupid call is that?
- This is not the Davis Cup, John.Copy !req
1124. This is group therapy. Now go take
a Fury Fighter's nap, all right?Copy !req
1125. - Don't gnash your teeth.
- Sorry.Copy !req
1126. What keys do we need to possess
before we can—?Copy !req
1127. Dave. You're late.Copy !req
1128. - Can I talk to you alone, please?
- Sure you can—Copy !req
1129. You told Linda we should have
a trial separation?Copy !req
1130. - Yes.
- Yes?Copy !req
1131. Yes!Copy !req
1132. Separating from Linda
is a crucial part of our strategy.Copy !req
1133. My strategy is to keep my girlfriend.Copy !req
1134. All right. Strictly as a friend.Copy !req
1135. Linda's been thinking about
leaving you for some time.Copy !req
1136. She loves you, but she
recognises you're a neurotic mess.Copy !req
1137. You're jealous...Copy !req
1138. self-loathing, resentful, insecure
and a premature ejaculator.Copy !req
1139. She told you I was
a premature ejaculator?Copy !req
1140. That part I was assuming.Copy !req
1141. I haven't done that in,
like, eight months.Copy !req
1142. Anyway, a trial separation will make
you both gain a deeper appreciation...Copy !req
1143. for David Buznik.Copy !req
1144. After she dates a couple of losers,
she'll be begging you to take her back.Copy !req
1145. So I've been thinking about it,
Linda...Copy !req
1146. and a trial separation is exactly
what we need.Copy !req
1147. And if you want to start seeing...Copy !req
1148. other penises— People...Copy !req
1149. I want you to feel free.Copy !req
1150. You sound upset. Are you all right?Copy !req
1151. I'm fine. Just date anybody you'd like.Copy !req
1152. And don't hold back, okay?Copy !req
1153. Because there's a lot of nice guys
out there and I'm cool with it.Copy !req
1154. I'll be strong.Copy !req
1155. So the guy asked me for change.
I laughed. He cursed.Copy !req
1156. I whizzed on him.Copy !req
1157. - What else could I do, huh?
- You should've tossed a rock at him.Copy !req
1158. That's your solution for everything.
The guy's homeless, right?Copy !req
1159. Let him be. Set your anger free.Copy !req
1160. Look at you, Lou. You've really calmed
down since working with Dr. B.Copy !req
1161. - We all have.
- Hey, fellas.Copy !req
1162. Could you bring it down a little bit?Copy !req
1163. We're trying to have dinner.
The walls are really thin.Copy !req
1164. - This is a free country!
- What's going on with you?Copy !req
1165. - Are you crazy?
- Go in! Just go in.Copy !req
1166. Goosfraba! Goosfraba!Copy !req
1167. Goosfraba.Copy !req
1168. Very good.
What are you guys doing here?Copy !req
1169. I need to see Dr. B. I'm in crisis.Copy !req
1170. He's not here.
Why don't you go look for him?Copy !req
1171. Davey, your girlfriend stopped by
and she dropped these off for you.Copy !req
1172. Those are her keys to my apartment.Copy !req
1173. I think your girlfriend's cheating
on you.Copy !req
1174. - Why?
- I heard her on her cell phone...Copy !req
1175. talking to a guy...Copy !req
1176. - ... making a date.
- I'm so sorry, Dave.Copy !req
1177. Andrew.Copy !req
1178. I'll kill that guy.Copy !req
1179. She ain't cheating on me, by the way.
We agreed to take a break.Copy !req
1180. She's not taking a break
from the old sausage, huh?Copy !req
1181. Sorry.Copy !req
1182. She's meeting the Andrew at Mort's
on 86th Street now...Copy !req
1183. if you want to go watch.Copy !req
1184. No. No, I can't do that.Copy !req
1185. Dave...Copy !req
1186. we're here.Copy !req
1187. - Both of you showed up?
- You like Stacy better or something?Copy !req
1188. It's just that I want to go on a fake
date to get my girlfriend jealous...Copy !req
1189. so I really only needed
one of you guys.Copy !req
1190. Well, now she'll be twice as jealous.Copy !req
1191. - So do you know the guy she's with?
- I think I might.Copy !req
1192. Let me ask you something.Copy !req
1193. Because of your profession
you probably have seen a lot of them.Copy !req
1194. Does size count at all, or is that just
some weird thing guys think about?Copy !req
1195. This is where Gina and I
always get into a heated debate.Copy !req
1196. I like them when they're really big.Copy !req
1197. And I think it's better
when they're enormous.Copy !req
1198. Good evening.Copy !req
1199. Table for three?Copy !req
1200. - May we take your coats?
- No. We're okay.Copy !req
1201. The girls are gonna
take their coats off.Copy !req
1202. Would you like a boobs—? Booth?Copy !req
1203. Actually, could you give us a table
overlooking that table right there?Copy !req
1204. - Sure. Right this way.
- Thank you.Copy !req
1205. Oh, my God. It's Stacy and Gina.Copy !req
1206. Who?Copy !req
1207. Nobody.Copy !req
1208. I'm so hungry I could eat you, Dave.Copy !req
1209. Yummy. Yummy.Copy !req
1210. - Let's get wasted tonight.
- Definitely.Copy !req
1211. Have fun.
Lucky son of a bitch.Copy !req
1212. What?Copy !req
1213. I can't believe this.Copy !req
1214. Excuse me.Copy !req
1215. Linda. I'm a little embarrassed. I
didn't know you were going to be here.Copy !req
1216. I guess not. Are those your friends?Copy !req
1217. I'm supposed to date other people
so I figured I'd give it a try.Copy !req
1218. Gina, can you stop sucking
on Stacy's finger for one second?Copy !req
1219. I want to introduce you to somebody.Copy !req
1220. - Stacy, Gina, this is Linda.
- Nice to meet you.Copy !req
1221. And I'd like you to meet my date.Copy !req
1222. Ladies, this is Buddy Rydell.Copy !req
1223. - Look, Dave, it's Buddy.
- I see.Copy !req
1224. - You know Stacy and Gina?
- Yes, yes, I do.Copy !req
1225. We're in Dave's anger group.
Fury Fighters!Copy !req
1226. Well, gee whiz.
Here's your Rémy, Linda.Copy !req
1227. This is a bit awkward.Copy !req
1228. I mean, group members...Copy !req
1229. are not supposed to get
romantically involved.Copy !req
1230. - Yeah! I agree with that.
- You know that.Copy !req
1231. I'd like to talk to you alone
for a second.Copy !req
1232. There's a rage control technique I'd
like to go over with you right now.Copy !req
1233. Of course. Excuse me—Copy !req
1234. What?Copy !req
1235. - Two of the usual, Duke.
- Coming right up, Dr. B.Copy !req
1236. You're the biggest backstabbing
piece of crap I ever met.Copy !req
1237. What are you saying?Copy !req
1238. I'm trying to give you a hand.
It's my job.Copy !req
1239. Bullshit!
Your job is to steal my girlfriend?Copy !req
1240. My job is trying to prevent
Mr. Andrew...Copy !req
1241. from unleashing the Whopper
with Cheese.Copy !req
1242. That's right. Since you've
been out of the picture...Copy !req
1243. Andrew's been burning up the wires
night and day...Copy !req
1244. trying to rekindle those
hotsie-totsie nights up at Brown U.Copy !req
1245. - How would you know?
- You think I only tapped your phone?Copy !req
1246. What was she saying?Copy !req
1247. The good news is, I already launched
a preemptive strike.Copy !req
1248. Now the situation is contained.Copy !req
1249. You and I control the game.Copy !req
1250. How?Copy !req
1251. I will be uncharacteristically
aggressively boring.Copy !req
1252. I keep talking about myself,
acting arrogant and obnoxious.Copy !req
1253. When Linda sees what
the dating world is really like...Copy !req
1254. then guess who comes out
smelling like a white mushroom?Copy !req
1255. - You swear to me this will work?
- The ball's already up in the air.Copy !req
1256. Incidentally, nice move
bringing the girls.Copy !req
1257. Very strong. Come on.Copy !req
1258. I'll see you at home
in a half-hour, keed.Copy !req
1259. That's 25 dollars, pal.Copy !req
1260. We don't...Copy !req
1261. Where were you? It's 1:00.Copy !req
1262. When you hear what happened, you'll
bow down and worship me like a god.Copy !req
1263. - Better be good. Give it to me.
- Okay.Copy !req
1264. After dinner, she insisted we go home.
So we hop on the bus—Copy !req
1265. The bus? You took the bus?
What happened to your car?Copy !req
1266. I was way too smashed to drive.Copy !req
1267. I told her I didn't want to waste money
on a cab. That did not go down well.Copy !req
1268. Okay. I like that.Copy !req
1269. So we get to her house...Copy !req
1270. we have some kind of
a weird argument...Copy !req
1271. about the number of syllables
in a haiku.Copy !req
1272. Poetry garbage.Copy !req
1273. She said it was getting late,
we kissed and I headed on home.Copy !req
1274. Now, you say you kissed?Copy !req
1275. It was nothing. Little five-second kiss.
That's all.Copy !req
1276. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.Copy !req
1277. You're having this horrible evening.Copy !req
1278. - How do you end up kissing, again?
- I wish I knew, keed.Copy !req
1279. We were both pretty geezed up.Copy !req
1280. One second we're fighting,
and the next second we're laughing...Copy !req
1281. and then just a quick
10-second kiss.Copy !req
1282. I thought that you said five seconds.Copy !req
1283. First it was a five-second one...Copy !req
1284. and then a little break because
my beard gave her a tickle.Copy !req
1285. She's cute.
And then a 10-second Frencher.Copy !req
1286. You had your crazy, corroded tongue
in my girlfriend's mouth?Copy !req
1287. Just a second. Just one second, Dave.Copy !req
1288. Dr. B, let it bip.Copy !req
1289. Well, hello.Copy !req
1290. I shouldn't really talk right now.Copy !req
1291. Well, I suppose you're right.Copy !req
1292. It's got to be done.Copy !req
1293. Who was that? Linda?Copy !req
1294. Dave...Copy !req
1295. I've got some good news for you
and some potentially upsetting news.Copy !req
1296. First, the good news.Copy !req
1297. I'm going to sign your papers.
You're a free man.Copy !req
1298. Let me hear
the potentially upsetting news.Copy !req
1299. Linda and I have fallen
for one another.Copy !req
1300. Pretty hard too.Copy !req
1301. David, I hope you believe me
when I say this:Copy !req
1302. I didn't intend for this to happen.Copy !req
1303. It was no one's fault, I guess.
It was just—Copy !req
1304. Wait a minute.Copy !req
1305. I figured this out.Copy !req
1306. You're messing with me.Copy !req
1307. I wish I were, Dave.Copy !req
1308. However, I did insist that we not
go forward without your blessing...Copy !req
1309. because we're best friends.
So, what do you say, Dave?Copy !req
1310. Is it all right if I date your ex?Copy !req
1311. Welcome back, Mr. Buznik.Copy !req
1312. I am appalled by your assault
on Dr. Rydell.Copy !req
1313. Obviously, anger management
has been a complete failure for you.Copy !req
1314. I'm setting a trial date for three weeks
from today for attempted murder.Copy !req
1315. As for Dr. Rydell's safety,
I'm issuing a restraining order.Copy !req
1316. Which means that at no time can you
come within 500 feet of him...Copy !req
1317. or his lovely new girlfriend, Linda.Copy !req
1318. Court is adjourned.Copy !req
1319. Coming, Peaches.Copy !req
1320. Are you kidding me?Copy !req
1321. Numb-nuts, where's the catalogue
for my Fat Cat clothing line?Copy !req
1322. I said I'd have it by 3.Copy !req
1323. - Okay.
- Get in gear.Copy !req
1324. I'm so sorry I'm late.Copy !req
1325. I hope you have it.
My presentation's in two hours.Copy !req
1326. What's this? Your fat-shit cat's
been sitting there all day.Copy !req
1327. Don't worry about him.Copy !req
1328. Here you go.
I think you're gonna like it.Copy !req
1329. It's good stuff.Copy !req
1330. That's a good picture, I think.Copy !req
1331. What the hell is this?Copy !req
1332. You keep telling everybody you
created the Husky Cat line.Copy !req
1333. I thought you'd want your picture
in there. No?Copy !req
1334. Can I get two couches
in my office?Copy !req
1335. If friends come over,
I want them to feel comfortable.Copy !req
1336. What office?Copy !req
1337. Frank was nice enough to give me
some creative executive position.Copy !req
1338. - You gave him the job that I wanted?
- He earned it.Copy !req
1339. Why can't you be happy for me?
Linda's gonna be.Copy !req
1340. Know something?
I'm sick of you hanging out with Linda.Copy !req
1341. She dumped you 1I5 years ago.
Get over it.Copy !req
1342. I wouldn't worry about me.Copy !req
1343. It's your pal Buddy who's taking her
to the Yankee game tonight.Copy !req
1344. Yankee game.Copy !req
1345. Did he steal my proposal idea?Copy !req
1346. Buznik, your behaviour
is unacceptable.Copy !req
1347. Unacceptable?Copy !req
1348. I've been getting your coffee and
doing your work for five years now.Copy !req
1349. When a good position
actually opens up...Copy !req
1350. you give it to the biggest dick
in the world?Copy !req
1351. I don't know about the world, but it's
definitely the biggest one in the room.Copy !req
1352. Now, when I started here...Copy !req
1353. I was promised advancement
opportunities.Copy !req
1354. And breaking that promise, to me,
is unacceptable.Copy !req
1355. You see? I golf also.
You should bring me sometime.Copy !req
1356. So when I get out of jail, sometime
in the next two to five years...Copy !req
1357. I expect you to give me the position
that Andrew just resigned from.Copy !req
1358. - Okay.
- Great.Copy !req
1359. Have fun looking like Colonel Klink.Copy !req
1360. By the way, his name is not
Fat-shit Cat, it's Meatball...Copy !req
1361. and he's eating your crab cakes
right now.Copy !req
1362. - You starting to get excited?
- Are you kidding? I'm out of my mind.Copy !req
1363. This is going to be some night.Copy !req
1364. Come on. Come on.Copy !req
1365. - Dr. B, how's it going?
- Very well, thank you.Copy !req
1366. Always a thrill. Right this way.Copy !req
1367. Where the hell's a spot?
Where's a spot?Copy !req
1368. Whoa! Watch it, man!Copy !req
1369. Your attention, please.Copy !req
1370. Before tonight's National Anthem...Copy !req
1371. Metropolitan Opera star
Robert Merrill...Copy !req
1372. will present a special moment
for two special people.Copy !req
1373. I love when they do this.Copy !req
1374. - Good.
- Ladies and gentlemen, Robert Merrill.Copy !req
1375. Linda? Linda!Copy !req
1376. Linda!Copy !req
1377. What the hell do you think
you're doing?Copy !req
1378. Wait, don't I know you?Copy !req
1379. - Come on.
- Where's your German accent?Copy !req
1380. You have me confused
with somebody—Copy !req
1381. I wanna get on the field.
I'm a fan of Mr. Merrill's.Copy !req
1382. - There's no fans allowed on that field.
- Galaxia.Copy !req
1383. It's Gary.Copy !req
1384. Whatever. Someone else will marry
my woman if you don't let me go.Copy !req
1385. - Hebrew Melvin's in love.
- Very much.Copy !req
1386. I can't stop love.Copy !req
1387. - Go.
- Thank you.Copy !req
1388. Don't think I don't owe you
a couple smacks, by the way.Copy !req
1389. Good evening. Tonight, romance
comes to Yankee Stadium.Copy !req
1390. Oh, my God, it's Dave.Copy !req
1391. What the heck are you doing here?Copy !req
1392. - I wanna borrow this for a second.
- That's my mike!Copy !req
1393. Linda? Where are you?Copy !req
1394. Don't move.Copy !req
1395. Linda? Are you out there, honey?Copy !req
1396. Linda, I'm not mad at you.Copy !req
1397. Oh, shit.Copy !req
1398. I know that crazy man
brought you here.Copy !req
1399. Davey's going crazy!Copy !req
1400. I've done crazier stuff than that
to win back a chick.Copy !req
1401. Once I ran naked
through a subway station.Copy !req
1402. How was that supposed to work?Copy !req
1403. I guess I never really
thought it through.Copy !req
1404. I gotta tell you something personal!Copy !req
1405. This kid lost his marbles.Copy !req
1406. I'm over here!Copy !req
1407. Linda, think about
what you're doing to us.Copy !req
1408. Sweet tackle.Copy !req
1409. Dave just got levelled!Copy !req
1410. - Nobody messes with my microphone.
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
1411. Bob?Copy !req
1412. - Everything all right, Buddy?
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
1413. I've never seen you so excited.Copy !req
1414. It's not every day a man
gets to propose marriage...Copy !req
1415. to the woman he loves.Copy !req
1416. Now, here's what I want you to write
on the scoreboard.Copy !req
1417. Linda! Linda, I've loved you
since the day I met you!Copy !req
1418. I won't let you do this to us!Copy !req
1419. Don't marry him!Copy !req
1420. Don't marry him!Copy !req
1421. Let this man finish
what he came here to say.Copy !req
1422. Let the man back in.Copy !req
1423. - Who was that guy?
- I think it's Bill Clinton.Copy !req
1424. Thank you, Mayor Giuliani.
You're the man, by the way.Copy !req
1425. This clown better hurry up.
My arm's starting to ice over.Copy !req
1426. Chill, Rocket. Goosfraba.Copy !req
1427. Goosfraba.Copy !req
1428. Goosfraba.Copy !req
1429. I can understand why you wanted
to see other people. I really can.Copy !req
1430. Buddy Rydell is a psycho!Copy !req
1431. But he was right about one thing.Copy !req
1432. I was an angry guy.Copy !req
1433. Mainly angry at myself...Copy !req
1434. for letting people treat me like crap
all the time.Copy !req
1435. But I don't want to be
that angry guy anymore.Copy !req
1436. I wanna change.Copy !req
1437. If you give me a chance...Copy !req
1438. I can show you that I got the guts
to stand up for what I believe in.Copy !req
1439. And I believe in us, Linda.Copy !req
1440. I love you with all my heart,
and I know you love me back.Copy !req
1441. I should be your husband...Copy !req
1442. not that weirdo.Copy !req
1443. I want to have a family with you.
I want to have kids with you.Copy !req
1444. Kids who have your eyes...Copy !req
1445. and your lips...Copy !req
1446. and my...Copy !req
1447. last name.
That's all I wish on them.Copy !req
1448. Please marry me, Linda.Copy !req
1449. Before I make my decision,
you have to do something for me.Copy !req
1450. You have to kiss me
in front of all these people!Copy !req
1451. You can do it, David!Copy !req
1452. Give her a five-second Frencher!Copy !req
1453. Kiss her, David.Copy !req
1454. Kiss her, David.Copy !req
1455. Kiss her, David!Copy !req
1456. Kiss her, David.Copy !req
1457. Go Yankees!Copy !req
1458. Dave's a dirty boy.Copy !req
1459. That wasn't so bad, was it?Copy !req
1460. I can't believe you actually
started to fall for that crazy man.Copy !req
1461. Buddy's not such a bad guy.Copy !req
1462. Congratulations! You just graduated
from anger management!Copy !req
1463. I'm glad your car died.
The train's romantic.Copy !req
1464. Don't change the subject.Copy !req
1465. You're telling me the past two weeks
of my life was just therapy?Copy !req
1466. Well...Copy !req
1467. Yeah.Copy !req
1468. I met with Buddy
after reading his book...Copy !req
1469. and I told him about some
of the things going on in your life...Copy !req
1470. and how upset it was making you
and how nuts it was making me.Copy !req
1471. He said that he thought he could help,
but it would be tough.Copy !req
1472. So how much of this thing
was a setup?Copy !req
1473. Well, the guy in your seat on the
plane, the flight attendant, the judge...Copy !req
1474. they're all friends of Buddy's.Copy !req
1475. What about the air marshal
who tasered me? Was he in on it?Copy !req
1476. No, he was just having a bad day.Copy !req
1477. Son of a bitch.Copy !req
1478. Skipper, how you doing?Copy !req
1479. Buddy Rydell, you're a great man.Copy !req
1480. I was just doing my job.
I never doubted you for a minute.Copy !req
1481. Except when Galaxia
had ahold of you.Copy !req
1482. Did you just call that guy
Buddy Rydell?Copy !req
1483. A guy named Buddy Rydell
left this card...Copy !req
1484. on what's left of my Lexus!Copy !req
1485. Oh, yeah. For insurance purposes.Copy !req
1486. Your insurance was cancelled!Copy !req
1487. Grenada!Copy !req
1488. Don't point that gun at Buddy.
I'm the one who smashed your car up.Copy !req
1489. - Dave?
- No!Copy !req
1490. I'm sick of guys like this.Copy !req
1491. You wanna mess with my friends,
shoot me first.Copy !req
1492. - Don't!
- Are you crazy?Copy !req
1493. Settle down.Copy !req
1494. Butt out! Tough guy's
going to learn a lesson.Copy !req
1495. I'm not afraid. Dr. Rydell taught me
not to be afraid of anybody.Copy !req
1496. Can I ask you a question, though?Copy !req
1497. Got you!Copy !req
1498. Dr. B, Davey just pulled a joke on us!Copy !req
1499. And how does that
make you feel, Lou?Copy !req
1500. Chuck.Copy !req
1501. We were just doing a joke.
That's my friend.Copy !req
1502. Are you okay?Copy !req
1503. He feels stunning.Copy !req