Anger Management (2003)

1. Hey, Timmy, get me a hot dog.

2. - Hey, Dave. - Hi, Sara.

3. Fun party, huh?

4. Yeah. Except for Arnie Shankman being here.

5. Wedgie! Wedgie! Wedgie!

6. You know, I feel kinda bad for him with his sister losing her mind and all.

7. Whatever.

8. You know what we should do? Play Truth or Dare.

9. - You want to? - Sure.

10. Okay, I'll go first. Truth or dare?

11. Truth.

12. Have you ever kissed a girl before?

13. - Well, I— - Family doesn't count.

14. - Maybe I'll take dare. - Okay.

15. I dare you to kiss me.

16. Right here?

17. Yeah. I want everyone to see that your first kiss is with me.

18. Got any mustard for that cocktail frank, butt-lick?

19. - David Buznik. - Yeah, I just landed in St. Louis.

20. - I hope you wrote my speech. - Oh, yes, I did, sir.

21. I pulled an all nighter.

22. I'm looking forward to this, Mr. Head. Iv'e never been to St. Louis before.

23. I really wanna thank you for allowing me to come on this trip—

24. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, that sounds great, yeah.

25. If we finish our work, I'd love to go to a jazz club with you.

26. Terrific.

27. - He hung up on you again, didn't he? - Yes. Yes, he did.

28. He's such a jerk.

29. You're the one who came up with the idea for the Husky Cat clothing line.

30. He didn't even say thank you. He should give you a promotion.

31. There's a creative executive position that just opened up, so—

32. You should bring that up on the trip. You gotta stick up for yourself sometimes.

33. I know. I—I—I'll figure something out.

34. I gotta go. Sorry.

35. I'm gonna miss you.

36. That guy is looking at us.

37. You know I don't like it when people watch me kiss.

38. I'm sorry.

39. Take care.

40. Okay. Bye.

41. Dave.

42. - Have a good flight. - Okay.

43. I'm sorry.

44. I think you're in my seat.

45. Come on, pal. I'm already settled in here, huh?

46. Can't you just go sit somewhere else?

47. You're supposed to sit in the seat they assigned you.

48. Nobody cares. Just go sit in the seat I'm supposed to sit in.

49. Excuse me. This seat's available.

50. Oh. Okay, thank you.

51. You're very welcome.

52. - No air. - Oh.

53. That's too bad, huh?

54. You're on my side of the armrest.

55. We're not gonna have problems, are we?

56. No.

57. Oh, hey! I'm wetting my Jockeys here!

58. You gotta get a load of this, kid.

59. I mean, you like comedies?

60. Yeah, I just haven't been sleeping a lot lately so I was trying to catch some—

61. Look at this actress here.

62. What is your position on breast implants?

63. This guy.

64. I—I can just watch the movie with you.

65. Excuse me.

66. - Could I get a headset? - Certainly.

67. Thank you.

68. Probably make out with my next boyfriend.

69. Oh, my God, it was disgusting.

70. Uh... Miss?

71. I'll be right there, sir.

72. Where is your headset?

73. She's busy right now, but it's coming.

74. For crying out loud. You're missing important plot points.

75. Ma'am?

76. Could you give me a second, sir?

77. Uh... excuse me.

78. Could I maybe get that headset, please?

79. - Do not raise your voice to me, sir. - I wasn't raising my voice.

80. Okay, just calm down.

81. I am calm. I just want my headset.

82. Sir, our country is going through a very difficult time now,

83. and if you're not gonna cooperate—

84. Oh no, I'm gonna cooperate. My plan is to get the headset from you,

85. watch the movie, and laugh in a very cooperative way.

86. Is there a problem here, sir?

87. I don't think so.

88. Can you come to the back of the plain with me so we can have a talk?

89. A talk about what? There's not a problem.

90. The flight attendant keeps ignoring me when I ask—

91. Calm down.

92. I am calm. What is it with you people?

93. "You people"?

94. Now wait a minute.

95. I don't mean you people. I mean you people.

96. Sir, I will not tolerate any racist behaviour on the plane.

97. This is a very difficult time for our country.

98. I know that. I'm not a racist. I just wanna watch the movie.

99. I'm only gonna say this one more time, sir. Calm down.

100. I'm calm!

101. All rise.

102. - What do you think? - Not guilty. It's a no-brainer.

103. Mr. Buznik, in case 723,

104. assault and battery against a flight attendant,

105. I find you guilty.

106. Hmmm.

107. I'm ordering you to pay a fine of $3500.

108. - Thank God you're okay. - In addition,

109. to prevent further acts of rage,

110. this court hereby orders you to undergo 20 hours of Anger Management therapy.

111. Anger Management?

112. Dr. Rydell?

113. You don't remember me, do you?

114. I sat next to you on the plane.

115. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, the headset guy.

116. - Good to see you again. - Good to see you too.

117. That was a crazy flight.

118. They actually sentenced me to Anger Management for that.

119. - Really? Wow. - Yeah.

120. This is incredible. You could sign this for me

121. and tell them I don't have an anger problem if you want.

122. Ah-ah.

123. I can't just sign your papers.

124. I didn't do anything wrong, doc. You know that.

125. All right.

126. How's this?

127. Just hang for one session

128. so I can at least say I gave you a proper analysis.

129. - Then I'll sign your papers. - Okay.

130. - Shall we? - Oh, yes, yes.

131. So my boss, he was talking to me about how many sick days I've taken.

132. And I was like, you know, "Don't go there." You know.

133. But he kept on about wanting to see some kind of a doctor's note or something,

134. and I said, "Look, I'm seriously serious. You don't wanna go there."

135. But he kept talking and talking, being such a nag,

136. and then I just... blacked out. I blacked out.

137. And when I woke up, I was standing over him and I was screaming:

138. "l told you not to go there! I told you not to go there!"

139. How do you feel you handled that situation?

140. Um... Not as well as I could've.

141. Remember, Lou, temper's the one thing you can't get rid of by losing it.

142. Now, Fury Fighters, let's say hello to someone

143. who's joining our quest to get the anger monkeys off our backs:

144. - Dave. - Hi, Dave.

145. Hi. Um...

146. Good news, I fed my anger monkey a banana this morning,

147. and he's feeling much better.

148. More good news, you're not gonna have to listen to too many of those lame jokes

149. because I'm only here for one session.

150. Dave assaulted a female flight attendant in midair.

151. - Hmmm, nice. - I bet you beat her good.

152. I didn't beat anybody. I touched a woman—

153. Liar. Bullshitter. You're a woman beater!

154. And you can't admit it because you're a diluted piece of garbage!

155. I don't know about all that, but now I understand why you're here.

156. I'm here because I was verbally attacked by my neighbour.

157. And I took a dump on his porch.

158. But I guess you're better than me. That's why you can't cop to your rage.

159. - You're superior. He's superior. - Maybe Dave's not ready yet, Chuck.

160. You're not ready. Hear what he said?

161. Let's introduce Dave to some of the rest of us.

162. Girls, why don't you tell Dave what brought you here.

163. I'm sure he'd love to listen to what you guys have to say.

164. We always do.

165. - Come on, Dave. Join us. - Okay.

166. Okay. Well, we're in the adult film industry.

167. And we're lovers.

168. Yeah, one day, Gina was having sex with this Filipino guy Melo,

169. which was cool, 'cause it was in the script.

170. Sure.

171. And then I asked Melo back to the house with us,

172. which is cool, 'cause, well, we like a little variety.

173. Variety is good.

174. So anyway, in the middle of our session,

175. I look up and I see Gina kissing Melo on the mouth

176. which is totally not cool because it completely violates our threesome code of ethics.

177. So Stacy bit my toe off.

178. Yeah, and then Melo freaks out and calls me a crazy skank.

179. And nobody talks to my bitch that way.

180. - So I stapled his lips shut. - And here we are.

181. Well, we've all been there.

182. - I like him. - Yeah, he's funny.

183. Not as funny as you.

184. Yeah, I like that.

185. All right, girls.

186. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go a little bit longer. Yeah.

187. Walk it off, huh?

188. Nate, didn't we decide that you shouldn't listen to the ball game?

189. Don't worry, Dr. B, it's just a regular season game. Not that important.

190. He missed the lay-up!

191. See? Iverson just missed a lay-up at the buzzer, Sixers lose.

192. Who gives a crap, huh?

193. I mean, it's just a silly game, anyways.

194. The anger sharks are swimming in my head!

195. You gotta dunk that shit!

196. You gotta dunk that shit!

197. Nate, Nate, Nate, listen to me. Stay with me, Nate.

198. Now repeat after me, Nate:

199. Goosfraba.

200. Goos blah blah.

201. Not—Not—Not "blah blah," Nate.

202. Goosfraba.

203. Goosfraba.

204. That's good. Slower.

205. Goosfraba.

206. - How do you feel? - Better.

207. Good job, Nate.

208. That sound is a derivation of an old Eskimo word

209. that mothers used to calm their children.

210. - I see. - Eskimos seem nice.

211. - They do. - I think Eskimos are smug.

212. Hold that thought, Chuck.

213. So, Dave, tell us about yourself.

214. Who are you?

215. Well, I am an executive assistant at a major pet products company.

216. Dave, I don't want you to tell us what you do. I want you to tell us who you are.

217. Oh, all right. Uh...

218. I'm a pretty good guy.

219. And I like playing tennis on occasion—

220. Also, not your hobbies, Dave.

221. Just simple: Tell us who you are.

222. I just—

223. Maybe you could give me an example of what a good answer would be. Uh...

224. What did you say?

225. You want Lou to tell you who you are?

226. No, I just—

227. I'm a nice, easygoing man. I...

228. might be a little bit indecisive at times. Uh—

229. Dave, you're describing your personality.

230. I want to know... who you are.

231. I don't know what the hell you want me to say!

232. I mean, I'm sorry. I just— I wanna answer your question.

233. I'm just not... not doing it right, I guess.

234. I think we're getting a picture, Dave.

235. - Let's move on. - Dr. Rydell, I'd like to know something.

236. Why is it that Chuck here thinks he can smoke?

237. Because I do whatever I want when I want, you little Spanish fruit topping.

238. Honey, at least I didn't make my aunt pregnant.

239. What are you laughing at, Dave?

240. Just laughing. I don't know. I'm not laughing at you.

241. Were you laughing with me? 'Cause I'm not laughing.

242. Am I out of line, Dr. Rydell, or is this guy pushing me?

243. Well, how do you feel, Chuck?

244. I went from happy to angry, skipped sad. Now I feel like kicking his ass.

245. Then we'll see who's laughing, huh?

246. What? You think you're better than me because you've got both your nuts?

247. - No. - All right, man. All right.

248. Come on. Come on, big boy. Pretty boy.

249. All right, all right. Is it worth going back to the penitentiary, Chuck?

250. - So he's laughing at you. - I'm not laughing at him.

251. Goosfraba.

252. - Goosfraba. - Okay.

253. Good job, Chuck. That was really good.

254. Where's the coffee cake? My coffee cake. I was looking forward to the coffee cake.

255. I haven't been to the Actors Studio in quite some time.

256. - I'm sure your audition will go well. - Thank you. I hope so.

257. - Good night. - All right.

258. - Thanks, Buddy. - Bye-bye.

259. Wow, that was a little bit insane.

260. If I had to do 20 hours of that, I think I'd end up killing myself.

261. Here you go.

262. 20 hours in my class would be pointless for you.

263. I agree.

264. I think I'm going to recommend to the court that we double your time.

265. - W—What do you mean? - Let me explain something, Dave.

266. There are two kinds of angry people: explosive and implosive.

267. Explosive is the kind of individual that you see screaming at the cashier

268. for not taking their coupons.

269. Implosive is the cashier who remains quiet, day after day,

270. and finally shoots everyone in the store.

271. You're the cashier.

272. No, no, no. I'm the guy hiding in the frozen food section, dialling 911, I swear.

273. I'm going to assign you an anger ally

274. to help calm you down when you're losing it.

275. - Chuck. - Yeah?

276. No, no, no, Not Chuck. Give me the sports guy, or the porno girls.

277. Hey, heard we're partnering up, huh?

278. - Yes, I heard— - Here's my number.

279. Great. "You're gonna die, bitch."

280. Oops, that's a letter I'm writing to my father.

281. - I see. Okay. - My bad. Here.

282. That's the number. Good. Thank you.

283. Dave and Chuck...

284. working together as a team.

285. Oh yeah.

286. - It's a win-win situation. - Yeah, feels it.

287. - Dave's particulars. - Oh.

288. I'll see you soon.

289. The Yanks are great this season.

290. Dave thinks they could beat Seattle's win record.

291. Remember at Brown when we went to Baltimore and watch Ron Guidry win his 20th?

292. - Oh, man. He was on fire that year. - We could've been too.

293. Andrew, don't start or I can't hang out with you anymore.

294. Sorry, it's just hard. I know I'll never meet anyone as good as you.

295. You will too. She'll be a very lucky lady.

296. Thanks for being my best friend.

297. Linda.

298. - Hey, Dave. - Andrew.

299. Good to see you guys hugging.

300. How was the doctor?

301. Um... Psychotic.

302. Well, did you get any good promotion news from Mr. Head?

303. Um, I didn't get a chance to talk to him about that yet, but I will.

304. Not that crowded here tonight. You'd think it would be packed.

305. Actually, I rented the place out.

306. I just figured it'd be more fun if it was just us Brown alumni.

307. Where'd you go to college again, Dave?

308. Trenton Community College.

309. - Ah. - Hey.

310. You had a hard day. Let me buy you a milk shake.

311. Okay. Later, Andrew.

312. once you cast your line in, so during retrieval

313. it'll help you to create a realistic and erratic—

314. Hey, Dave.

315. - Hey. Andrew, what's up? - Not much.

316. You always try to simulate live bait.

317. Okay, they got fishing while you go to the bathroom. That's nice.

318. Yep. Bass fishing. Hey, he caught one.

319. Be aware of your presentation

320. and make sure that, as you work it along—

321. Oh, yeah.

322. Congratulations.

323. Now that is a big one, folks.

324. Always a blast hanging out with your friends.

325. It was a great night. Yankees winning, beer and hot dogs.

326. Yeah, you like those foot-long hot dogs, don't you?

327. So, I saw your boy Andrew at the urinal.

328. Saw his... thing.

329. - You were looking? - Yeah, unfortunately.

330. So, now, did this guy grow up near a nuclear power plant or something?

331. What are you talking about?

332. Never really seen nothing like that before. Didn't it use to scare you?

333. - I never saw it. - You never saw it?

334. No, I told you, I never slept with him. Why, is it huge?

335. No, no, no, no. It's actually quite petite.

336. I felt bad for him.

337. It looked like it belonged on a baby and it had a funny colour.

338. I bet he got a lot of snickers in the locker room.

339. Like, "What the hell's that thing?"

340. Well, when you're in a locker room, you must feel pretty good about yourself.

341. I do. You know, if there are 20 naked guys in there, I'm usually in the top 18.

342. - Which isn't bad. - You're doing really good.

343. Thanks.

344. - Who's that? - I don't know. Let me get rid of them.

345. - Hello? - Dave, it's me, Chuck.

346. - Who's Chuck? - Your anger ally.

347. I'm in a mood, Dave. A bad mood. A very bad mood.

348. I was fired from my ice-cream truck job today. No more Fudgeicles.

349. - What's an anger ally? - Who's that?

350. She making fun of me?

351. No. That's my girlfriend.

352. You tell her to put a sock in it because I need to talk to you right now!

353. We're a little busy right now, Chuck.

354. You're busy? We're all busy, okay?

355. You come down here before a black wolf swallows my brain!

356. After I got kicked out of the Army, I went through a real bad time:

357. hookers, booze, shooting holes in the ceiling,

358. screaming myself to sleep.

359. Finally, my parents said I had to move out.

360. So I'm guessing that's when you decided to shack up with your aunt.

361. Don't get cute, wiseass!

362. But, yes.

363. Hey, what's with the watch, huh? Am I boring you?

364. No, no, I just— We ordered the drinks 15 minutes ago

365. and I kind of gotta get back.

366. Miss. Excuse me, miss!

367. Is this Slow And Stupid Waitress Day?

368. I'm sorry. I be right with you.

369. Damn, man, reminds me of these chicks back in the war.

370. Would give you the old licky-licky, then fry your banana.

371. Settle.

372. Did you see that?

373. - See what? - That guy. He just gave me a look.

374. That guy? He didn't give you a look.

375. And I'm pretty sure I heard him mutter some kind of anti-Semitic remark.

376. Are you Jewish?

377. I could be. But, no. Half Irish, half ltalian, half Mexican.

378. Let's go over there and give those guys some tsuris.

379. Well, the guy on the left is blind, Chuck.

380. I hear you.

381. He's yours.

382. No, no, no. That's not what I was trying to say.

383. - Hey. - What the hell?

384. What's the matter? You got something against guys with hair?

385. What's going on?

386. Hey, hey, hey!

387. Don't! Stop it! Stop! Stop!

388. Goosfraba!

389. You piece of shit!

390. Give me!

391. Stop it! Stop it!

392. Welcome back, Mr. Buznik.

393. I see you've managed to brutalize a cocktail waitress this time.

394. I guess beating up stewardesses can get old after a while.

395. Flight attendant, Your Honour.

396. I didn't hit her on purpose, Your Honour.

397. I was being attacked by someone,

398. and while I was trying to take away his...

399. his...

400. Trying to take away my cane, Your Honour.

401. You cracked a waitress in the face

402. while attempting to steal a blind man's cane?

403. Your Honour, we're not even sure how blind this man really is.

404. Okay. My bad. Moving on.

405. Happy now, ass-wipe?

406. Mr. Buznik, I don't know why you hate women,

407. and maybe you don't know either.

408. But I am going to give you the opportunity to think about it

409. while you spend one year in a state correctional facility.

410. - Isn't that a bit harsh, Your Honour? - No!

411. Okay.

412. - May I approach, Your Honour? - By all means, Dr. Rydell.

413. Thank you.

414. - It's been a while. - Yes, it has.

415. - You look marvellous, Brenda. - Thank you.

416. So, do you have a take on this Buznik guy?

417. Is this good or bad?

418. Well, it's bad that he's talking to her,

419. but it's good that—

420. No, it's bad. It's all bad.

421. - You think you can help him? - I think so, Your Honour.

422. If I can't, I'll tear him apart with my bare hands.

423. Mr. Buznik, because of the enormous respect I have for Dr. Rydell,

424. I'm going to place you in his intensive Anger Management programme for 30 days.

425. But if you fail to strictly adhere to the rules of his programme,

426. you will spend the next year in state prison.

427. - Buddy? - Good evening, Dave. Ready to get it on?

428. Get what on? What are you doing here?

429. Well, well, well. The lair of the rage rhino.

430. I smell the effluvium of pain and frustration.

431. - Where should we put my stuff? - What stuff?

432. We've got 30 days to get your anger under control.

433. My approach dictates intense observation.

434. What better vantage point than bunkmates?

435. Uh—

436. Put that right over there, Dan. Thank you very much.

437. No, no, no. I'm sorry.

438. Guys, I don't really— I don't think you should be moving in with me.

439. - Sit down, Dave. - Ah-ah.

440. Let's be perfectly clear about this.

441. You've been deemed a threat to society.

442. I believe that radical, round-the-clock therapy

443. is the only way to effect a meaningful and positive change in your behaviour.

444. Now we can do it here or in prison.

445. - Anything else, Dr. B? - No, thanks, Dan.

446. We'll install the wiretaps tomorrow.

447. Wiretaps?

448. - Is this your CD collection? - Yeah.

449. Oh, my.

450. What are you doing?

451. I don't want you listening to any angry music.

452. The Carpenters are angry? I mean—

453. Don't be naive, Dave.

454. "Close to You." "We've Only Just Begun."

455. Songs of madness and obsession.

456. Oh, Oh! Hey, hey, man! Who's gonna pay for that?

457. All right, I'm gonna need for you to retard your anger level a few notches

458. and listen to me. Can you do that?

459. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's retarded. I'm retarded.

460. Good.

461. Now then, we need to go over some ground rules.

462. Okay.

463. My girlfriend got me that.

464. You're to refrain from any acts of violence

465. including verbal assault and vulgar hand gestures.

466. You may not use rage-enhancing substances

467. such as caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, crack cocaine,

468. Slippy-Flippies, Jelly Stingers, Trick Sticks,

469. Bing Bangs or Flying Willards.

470. Also, if you are unable to stop masturbating,

471. please do so without the use of any pornographic images

472. depicting quote-unquote "angry sex."

473. That having been said, I'm a pretty good guy

474. and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at how much fun we can have together.

475. Jeez, without Slippy-Flippies or angry masturbating?

476. I don't see how that's possible.

477. Sarcasm is anger's ugly cousin. From now on, unacceptable.

478. - Yeah. - Dave, I got this for you.

479. It's a wonderfully therapeutic tool.

480. Record your thoughts on this whenever you feel angry.

481. I'm feeling very angry right now

482. because I only have one bed and no couch.

483. Not a problem.

484. In Europe, it's not considered unusual for three or four men to share a bed.

485. Yeah, well, that's why I'm proud to be an American.

486. By the way...

487. I like to sleep in the nude.

488. You hear that frog?

489. Nope.

490. W—What do you want?

491. I'm just recording your demeanour upon awakening.

492. Good to see you got your underwear back on.

493. 6:30? I don't gotta be up 'till 7:00.

494. Oh, well, ou've gotta make my breakfast.

495. Dave, cooking is very relaxing and therapeutic.

496. I want two eggs, over easy and unfertilized,

497. wheat toast, dry, and please,

498. tell me that you've got ketchup.

499. You know what? There's a Denny's down the street.

500. Not only do they have ketchup,

501. but they got the angriest waitresses I've ever seen.

502. You could have a blast with the goosfraba thing down there.

503. Lame-o.

504. Your eggs.

505. - Holy shit! - I said over easy!

506. Now, why did I do that?

507. Because I refused to spoon with you last night?

508. The angry man opens his mouth and shuts his eyes.

509. Alpha-Bits.

510. No matter how old I get, always a culinary delight.

511. No explanation for the egg throwing. He's a psycho.

512. Don't sulk, Dave. Eat. Sit down.

513. We'll be off to work in a jiffy.

514. "We'll be off to work."

515. Now, by "we'll," I assume you mean just me, right?

516. Well, I have to join you at work.

517. Full contact.

518. Think that's gonna make me look a little nuts, Buddy.

519. Bringing a shrink to work, you whipping eggs at people.

520. I don't know.

521. You must never be ashamed that you sought help for yourself, Dave.

522. It's not a weakness.

523. I—

524. I mean, I gotta be there by 9:00 o'clock.

525. I don't think we'll make it on time. You're not even dressed, Buddy.

526. The Talmud says: "Wherever you look,

527. "there's something to be seen."

528. Look, Dave.

529. - Now, what exactly was that all about, Dave? - What?

530. You just ran through a red light. Are you trying to get us both killed?

531. Well, I'm a little flustered right now. I have to be at work in eight minutes.

532. Flustered?

533. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, man!

534. - Holy shit! What are you doing? - I need you to unfluster.

535. My boss is gonna go nuts on me if we're late, so please?

536. We will proceed when you are centred.

537. I'm centred, I'm centred, I'm centred.

538. There's 10,000 people behind us. Let's go, crazy man!

539. What is that? Is that good?

540. We're going to sing a song.

541. No. I don't wanna sing a song. I wanna go to— I've gotta go.

542. Here we go.

543. The magic of Leonard Bernstein and Stephen Sondheim's

544. West Side Story.

545. "l Feel Pretty."

546. Let's get this thing moving. What the hell's your problem?

547. Shut your pie-hole! We're working here!

548. Wow. Sorry.

549. I feel pretty

550. Oh, so pretty

551. I feel pretty, and witty,

552. and gay

553. And I pity

554. any girl who isn't me today

555. La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

556. I feel charming Oh, so charming

557. It's alarming how charming I feel

558. Move your ass, dipshit!

559. And so pretty that I hardly can believe I'm real

560. La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

561. Burn in hell!

562. See the pretty girl in the mirror there?

563. What mirror, where?

564. Who can that attractive girl be?

565. Who? Which one? Where? Whom?

566. Such a pretty face, such a pretty dress, such a pretty smile

567. Such a pretty me!

568. Yes!

569. I feel stunning (you feel stunning)

570. And entrancing (and entrancing)

571. Feel like running and dancing for joy

572. For I'm loved by a pretty, wonderful boy!

573. You're late.

574. Oh, yes. There was a little bit of a tie-up on the bridge.

575. I didn't ask for a traffic report. You're always late.

576. Well, it's the first time I've been late. But you're right. I'm sorry.

577. May I interject?

578. You were about to say something else before you said, "I'm sorry."

579. - We mustn't absorb and repress. - Who's this?

580. I'm Mr. Buzznik's Anger Management therapist.

581. You're in Anger Management?

582. Temporarily, yeah.

583. Hmmm, do you remember the flight to St. Louis

584. that I was on when they had to turn the plane around?

585. Yeah, yeah, because of that unruly passenger in Coach.

586. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

587. Yeah, he doesn't like people touching his clubs.

588. Well, that unruly passenger was me.

589. I got arrested when we landed at Kennedy.

590. That's why I didn't make the next flight.

591. I thought you said your apartment caught fire.

592. Dissembling is a common tool of the anger junkie.

593. Might I have your first name, Mr. Head? And tell me it isn't Dick.

594. - It's Frank. - Ah, Fran.

595. - Isn't that normally a girl's name? - Mmm-mm.

596. What went on on that flight, Dave?

597. To be honest with you, it was a mix-up. I—

598. Jibber jabber. Jibber jabbering. Mumbo jumbo.

599. Denial. Key, key, key, key, key, key.

600. Fran, your assistant beat the bejesus out of a flight attendant.

601. - No, I didn't. - You broke her nose.

602. I broke the cocktail waitress's nose.

603. I mean, I accidentally did that.

604. Dave, you have a disease.

605. Would you apologise if you were a diabetic? Of course not.

606. So why do you feel you have to apologise because you're suffering from T.A.S.?

607. Hmmm, T.A.S.?

608. Toxic Anger Syndrome.

609. I don't have T.A.S.

610. He's angry. It's a sickness, not a crime, Fran.

611. His name is Frank!

612. No. I'm sorry.

613. Clothes for cats isn't really a new idea, but...

614. there was never really a line made for overweight cats

615. who might feel a little self-conscious

616. about the way they look in certain outfits.

617. That's why I got the baggy sweater on him, to cover up his gut.

618. And the beret to take attention off his plump head.

619. Oh, little Meatball.

620. You tie this up tight, and away goes the chin.

621. I'm so handsome.

622. - Hey, Dave. This is your office? - Andrew.

623. - What are you doing here? - I just played golf with Frank.

624. He's friends with my dad, and we're all members of the same country club.

625. Oh, really? Jeez, I've been wanting to play golf with him a long time.

626. - Is it awesome there? - Oh yeah, it's nice.

627. Hey.

628. So, anyway, Dave, how's Anger Management going?

629. Who told you about that?

630. Linda's my best friend. There's no secrets between us.

631. For the love of Mike. This guy's your girl's best friend?

632. No. I mean, I like to consider myself her best friend, but...

633. Andrew is her best friend friend, if that makes any sense.

634. You ought to golf yourself, Dave. You look a little stressed out.

635. I gotta go. Bye.

636. Well, well, well.

637. - This guy's got quite a basket on him. - Really? I didn't notice that.

638. Do you really want the love of your life hanging around with a guy

639. who looks as though he could satisfy a blue whale?

640. Well, it's— I'm doing okay myself, pal.

641. Maybe it's the way his pants fit him.

642. - Wooo. - What's up?

643. - This is your young lady? - That's my Linda.

644. My, oh, my. I—

645. I was toying with the notion that you were gay

646. because of the kitty-cat clothes, so forth.

647. What does she do?

648. She teaches poetry. Poetry teacher.

649. I love poetry.

650. Oh, my, my, my. It's—

651. Yes, it's a good picture of her.

652. Well, apparently Dr. Rydell has a history of unorthodox techniques.

653. He's actually got a dozen lawsuits pending.

654. So it's not just me. This guy is nuts, isn't he?

655. Or a genius, but...

656. if you could prove that he's nuts: audiotape, video, picture, whatever,

657. I'll arrange a hearing with justice Dinkins.

658. I gotta go. I think he's coming.

659. Meatball! You tub of goo, you scared the hell out of me.

660. I don't care for the way you've ironed my shirts, Dave. Try it again.

661. - I've been very patient with you, Buddy. - Beware the fury of the patient man.

662. - I'm serious! - Too serious.

663. Get undressed.

664. What did you say?

665. Take off your clothes.

666. I've got a stress-reduction technique I wanna show you.

667. - It'll be good for you. - Take off my clothes?

668. Do you wanna see me naked, Buddy?

669. Are you a homophobe, Dave?

670. No, I'm a pulling-my-penis-out- in-front-of-you-a-phobe.

671. Let's take a walk on the wild side.

672. - What's up, baby? - What are we doing here?

673. I'm not a homophobe.

674. My lawyer's gay. His boyfriend is gay.

675. And are they all aware that you despise them?

676. Looking for company, baby?

677. No, no, no, no, we're not. Thank you.

678. It's worth 50 bucks,

679. if you get in the back seat with my friend here and just have a little chat.

680. My pleasure, Mr. Eyebrows.

681. Oh, boy, here we go.

682. - Hello. - Hey. Good to see ya.

683. - What's your name, baby? - Melvin.

684. His name is David. Don't dissemble.

685. I'm not dissembling. That's my... Hebrew name.

686. I'm Galaxia. That's my German name.

687. Great.

688. So where are you from originally, Hebrew Melvin?

689. Brooklyn.

690. What part of Germany do you hail from?

691. I'm from a little Bavarian village called Lickin Zee Dickin.

692. Care to visit?

693. Actually, I like to spend most of my time in Girls Without Wieners-ville.

694. I'm more comfortable there.

695. He's just not used to male intimacy.

696. Well, that's okay, because I am a lady.

697. Oops. No, I'm not.

698. - Whoa! There it is! Okay! - Wooo!

699. - I feel like dancing, dancing. - Okay.

700. Oh, my God.

701. Dr. Rydell, what does this have to do with Anger Management?

702. - Oh, are you an angry boy? - No.

703. - Do you need some discipline? - No, I don't. Thank you very—

704. Oh! Hey! Hey, watch that shit!

705. Listen, ladies! Gentleman! Lentleman!

706. I'm not having sex with a she-male! Relax!

707. Galaxia, you may get out of the car now.

708. Your services are no longer required.

709. You know what?

710. You guys are freaks.

711. Ha-ha.

712. Give me the tape recorder.

713. Come on.

714. Patient number 135, David Buznik,

715. has learned the difference between unhealthy anger and righteous anger.

716. Thus he has advanced to the second level of my programme.

717. Great. Can I go throw up now?

718. I'm a lady. Oops. No, I'm not.

719. - Whoa, there it is. - I feel like dancing.

720. Wasn't that sick? She looked like Olivia Newton-John

721. if she was really ugly and had huge balls.

722. But I didn't hear Buddy order you to have sex with anyone.

723. I'm getting a call. Please hang on.

724. - Hello? - Is Buddy there?

725. No, he's in the shower right now.

726. This is Becky, his assistant.

727. Just tell him his mom called from Boston.

728. She said she's having some minor surgery.

729. It's nothing serious, but she'll be at Boston County hospital for the next two days.

730. Oh, okay.

731. Miracles of modern science.

732. I am stimulating my hair follicles and brushing my teeth

733. at the same time.

734. It looks really good.

735. What's the matter?

736. Your mom. They took her to the hospital, Buddy.

737. What's wrong with my mother?

738. She's having surgery.

739. I'm sorry.

740. - Is it serious? - When is surgery not serious?

741. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're right.

742. Maybe I better get up to Boston, see what's going on up there.

743. Yeah. Yeah. Why don't you just go up there,

744. spend some quality time.

745. I'll stay here and It'll be good for you guys.

746. Oh, God.

747. You're all I got, Mom. Please don't leave me.

748. No more clam chowder.

749. Buddy... it was a joke.

750. I'm sorry. You don't have to cry anymore.

751. - A joke? - Yeah.

752. Oh, boy.

753. A joke. A jo— I—

754. I can't believe that I fell for that one.

755. Yeah.

756. I really thought my mother was having surgery.

757. I'm gonna get you back for that one.

758. Oh.

759. Hmmm, just so you know, she really is having surgery.

760. - I thought you said you were joking. - No, the serious part was the joke.

761. She's having surgery, but just minor surgery.

762. Maybe I better... get up to Boston,

763. see what's really going on up there.

764. Why don't you— You just shoot up there. I'll be here.

765. What?

766. I can't believe he's making me go with him.

767. How come you guys aren't flying?

768. Because Dr. Cocoa Puff said legally I'm not even allowed to get on a plane.

769. Meanwhile, I've got Head up my ass about that catalogue.

770. I gotta get it done while dealing with that nut-boy in Boston.

771. I don't know why Head can't write his own catalogue?

772. Because if I wanna get that promotion, I gotta earn it.

773. You've been doing his job for years now. You should be his bo—

774. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I know this is really stressing you out.

775. I'm sure that it's going to be over before you know it.

776. Yeah, if I don't get caught popping any Jelly Stingers.

777. Well, that's gonna be tough!

778. Oh, God. There he is.

779. - That's him? - Yes.

780. What? Oh. Okay, I'll hold that.

781. My—

782. The quiet warmth...

783. smouldering beneath the rituals of hope for familiarity.

784. A coursing underground river...

785. pregnant with the chance currents of knowledge and love.

786. - What? - That's my poem. I wrote that.

787. I know.

788. That is your poem. I love that poem.

789. I found it crumpled up behind the sports pages

790. on the floor of David's bedroom.

791. - Shades of early Emily Dickinson. - Who was great on Police Woman.

792. Thank you. And thank you for rescuing it from the floor.

793. I think I better get going.

794. I'll miss you, big guy, so take good care.

795. - How about a kiss? - I'd love a kiss.

796. I think she's talking to me, and I think I can handle it.

797. So why don't you back up an inch or two?

798. Got it.

799. Thank you. And take care.

800. Have a great trip, you guys.

801. Oh, we will.

802. Bye.

803. - Oh-oh. - What?

804. Some mindless nitwit is parked behind me.

805. - Oh, good, well then we can't go. - No, no, I can get out.

806. Get in.

807. I don't know how you gonna get out of this.

808. Try to wiggle out, you're gonna get a ding. But you know everything.

809. What's he doing?

810. Another great performance by the master of anger control.

811. Now we're bumping into cars.

812. I'm just making a little room to back up.

813. Now, If I had lost my temper,

814. would I have had the presence of mind

815. to leave my card and my insurance information?

816. Whatever, Mr. lnsane-Vein-Popping- A-Little-Too-Far-Out-Of-His-Head-

817. While-Swinging-The-Bat Guy.

818. I think you've got room to back up.

819. Why haven't you taken Linda off the market?

820. You think you can do better?

821. Uhh, I'm going to ask her to marry me when I'm ready.

822. Nobody wants to settle down with a 35-year-old secretary.

823. - Procrastination, Dave. - I'm not procrastinating.

824. I even think about how I'm going to pop the question.

825. Husky down jacket. Husky Eskimo look.

826. What's your plan, ask her at a Yankee game?

827. Actually, yes. How did you know?

828. I just said the corniest thing I could think of.

829. If you knew Linda, you'd know how uncorny it would be to her.

830. Putting up a "Marry me, please" on the scoreboard,

831. proclaiming my love for her in front of thousands of strangers.

832. As you seem to have noticed, I'm a little bit jumpy with public affection.

833. Yeah? You seemed to be lovey-dovey back there.

834. Glad you think that it's funny. I gotta work.

835. A five-hour trip to find out Mommy had a jelly bean removed from her nose.

836. I'm glad I missed work. Can we eat now?

837. Hmm-hm.

838. You could have her, you know.

839. Oh yeah. I'm sure she'd love to hang out with a goofy secretary

840. whose only talent is nostril wiggling.

841. - Girls love that. - Dave...

842. you've got a lot more going for you than wiggly nostrils.

843. I want you to go over there and ask that woman out.

844. No, I got a girlfriend.

845. I'm not telling you to elope with her, Dave. Just go over and flirt a little bit.

846. Flirting is cheating's ugly cousin, Buddy.

847. I'm not a cheater.

848. Is it considered cheating if you were passed around the cell block like a peace pipe?

849. Because that is what's on the docket for you if you don't go and ask her out.

850. Okay, Dave?

851. Oh, God.

852. That's my boy.

853. Excuse me.

854. I was wondering if I could buy you a drink.

855. I mean, I see that you have a drink already

856. but I could get you another one when you're through with that one.

857. Bite me.

858. Nice meeting you. Okay.

859. Can you guess why she rejected you, Dave?

860. Because she wanted to be like the 2000 other girls who used to say that to me growing up?

861. No. Self-hypnotic negative imagery.

862. Confidence is the key to winning a young lady's attention.

863. Now listen to me very carefully.

864. I want you approach Miss Thing again.

865. - No. - With confidence.

866. And if she says no this time,

867. I will admit that I am a failure as a therapist

868. and release you from my programme.

869. You'll release me from your programme?

870. Okay.

871. Just go over there and repeat the following...

872. "I'm sorry I was so rude before, but...

873. "it's difficult for me to express myself when I'm...

874. "on the verge of exploding in my pants."

875. Ah-ah.

876. - Get out of here. - Trust me, Dave.

877. If you are calm as well as witty, she will respond.

878. I think Witty kinda went out the window with the all pants explosion thing, thanks.

879. My offer stands.

880. So if I repeat that crazy shit,

881. you probably stole from a porno flick, you sick bastard,

882. and get rejected,

883. you will release me from the programme?

884. Exactly.

885. Here we go.

886. Go get them, Mr. Johnson.

887. I'm sorry I was so rude before,

888. but it's difficult for me...

889. to express myself...

890. when I'm on the verge of...

891. exploding in my pants.

892. You are too cute.

893. Get the fuck out of here.

894. - I'm Kendra. - I'm Dave.

895. Let me buy you a drink.

896. Can I get a cosmopolitan?

897. I—I couldn't take it anymore, so finally I just tell my boss:

898. "Hey, baldy, if I want crap out of you, I'll squeeze your head."

899. - I didn't say that, but I should have. - You are so funny.

900. It's too bad you're going out of town. We could have a lot of fun together.

901. Unfortunately, I am leaving in the morning.

902. In fact, I think I gotta get back to my friend.

903. What's the matter?

904. - You gotta be kidding me. - What's wrong?

905. My friend took off on me!

906. I can, you know, give you a ride.

907. I don't even know where the guy lives!

908. If you want, we can hang out at my place until you get in touch with him.

909. I bet there's like 50 Rydells in here.

910. I probably shouldn't be eating this. I'm getting so fat.

911. What are you talking about? You're not fat.

912. My clothes hide it, but I'm getting really gooey right here.

913. I don't see any goo.

914. You wanna see some goo, I'll pull my ass out for you.

915. Well, I see it, and I didn't five years ago.

916. I went out with this guy, and he wouldn't sleep with me.

917. And I asked him why, and he said that when he saw me without my clothes on,

918. that I look like a porker.

919. He was probably just nervous because you're beautiful and—

920. Anyways, you're not a porker. You're the un-porker.

921. You're Sizzlean.

922. - You are so sweet, Dave. - Well, you're sweet, Kendra.

923. Thanks for having me here. He said her name was Rose.

924. Rose.

925. Rose Rydell. Rose Rydell. Rose Rydell.

926. Rose Rydell! I got it!

927. Kendra,

928. even though I'd love to see you take that bra off

929. because it represents a team I've hated my entire life,

930. I think you gotta keep it on.

931. Why?

932. Because I got a girlfriend.

933. I'm not a child, Dave.

934. If you think I'm a porker, then just come right out and say it.

935. No, no, no. I don't think you're a porker.

936. Then why when the idea of sleeping with me comes up,

937. do you all of a sudden have a "girlfriend"?

938. Because I do. I do. I have a girlfriend.

939. Said the liar to the beached whale!

940. You're not a beached whale.

941. If anything, you could even gain a few pounds.

942. Oh. So now I'm too skinny for you?

943. No, no, no, no. I didn't mean that.

944. - Is this what you want, Dave? - No.

945. If I put on a few pounds,

946. will you be able to stifle your vomit long enough to have sex with me?

947. Holy shit.

948. Are you such a hot stud that you'll break me in two?

949. You're angry right now. Do you wanna sing a song?

950. Do you know "l Feel Pretty"?

951. - Get out! Get out! - Stop!

952. Get out!

953. Get out!

954. Porker! Fatty!

955. No!

956. How did it go, pal?

957. - Why'd you ditch me? - What are you talking about?

958. You gave me the signal.

959. I didn't give you the signal to say leave.

960. I gave you the signal to say your gross pickup line actually worked.

961. Well, of course it did.

962. So did Little Davey need some anger management?

963. - That chick was killer. - Serial killer.

964. She tried to chocolate me to death.

965. Anyways, I don't cheat on Linda.

966. - Oh, speaking of Linda, she called earlier. - Oh, yeah?

967. She seemed a little bit bent out of shape.

968. - About what? - About you being out with another woman.

969. - How would she know that? - I told her.

970. - What else could I do? - What else could you do?

971. You could've told her something else. I was at the bank! I was at the store!

972. I ate bad guacamole and I couldn't stop shitting!

973. Any of those would have been fine!

974. Well, I'm sorry, Dave, but I don't lie for my patients.

975. You wanna leave your friend and run off and chase some hot babe,

976. you can't expect me to cover for you.

977. I just did what you told me to do, you sick, demented man!

978. What are you laughing at?

979. What's so funny?

980. Kendra is an ex-patient of mine, an actress. Pretty good one too.

981. I arranged for her to be in the bar and for you to pick her up.

982. You were messing with me?

983. Yeah. You know, just a joke between friends

984. like the one you pulled on me about my dying mother.

985. I told you I'd get you back for that.

986. All right.

987. Okay. So you really didn't talk to Linda.

988. Of course I did. That's what made it so funny.

989. Where's your phone?

990. She's not home, Dave. She went out with her pal Andrea.

991. She doesn't know any Andreas. You mean Andrew?

992. Yeah, that's it. Andrew, the testicle with legs.

993. "The testicle with legs." Great!

994. Now wait a minute. Just calm down a bit. Try a little deep breathing.

995. Maybe just hum a little "I Feel Pretty."

996. No! How about you hum the "I'm a Crazy Asshole" song?

997. And take me home, you psychotic piece of wacko.

998. I never thought you'd take it like this, Dave.

999. So, what, we're not gonna talk at all?

1000. Would you forgive me if I told you I took the trouble of calling Linda

1001. last night after our little fracas and explained that it was my fault?

1002. What did she say?

1003. Well, she's not mad at you anymore, but she let me have it pretty good.

1004. Well, you deserved it. I didn't do anything wrong.

1005. I know. I know.

1006. Friends?

1007. Yeah.

1008. - Take a little nap. - I am tired.

1009. Well, you had a rough night.

1010. Stop with the cupcake!

1011. Rise and shine, Sir Snoozola.

1012. What's going on? Where are we?

1013. Well, at a great deal of expense and effort,

1014. we have managed to locate your grade school bête noire, Arnie Shankman.

1015. We do desire a confrontation with him, do we not?

1016. What? Are you talking about the kid who bullied me in fifth grade?

1017. Dave, I think it's pivotal for you to confront your childhood nemesis.

1018. Remember, for 22 more days, you are mine.

1019. This is where Arnie Shankman lives?

1020. You're kidding me. You're gonna make me confront a monk.

1021. - Mmm-mm. - Great.

1022. Are you ashamed that you never stood up to him?

1023. No, he was just a kid lashing out

1024. because his sister got sent to an insane asylum.

1025. I'm surprised your research didn't tell you that.

1026. This doesn't look like him.

1027. Excuse me, Arnie Shankman?

1028. Sorry about waking you up.

1029. My name is Pana Kamanana.

1030. But, yes, I was once known as Arnie Shankman.

1031. Arnie... Pana Kamanana...

1032. Dave Buznik from elementary school.

1033. David Buznik.

1034. This is the last place I thought I'd find you, a monastery.

1035. I guess you could say I've gone through a rather dramatic transformation.

1036. Could you excuse him for one second, Peanuts?

1037. His name's not Peanuts. It's Pana Manapia.

1038. And now you want me to fight him?

1039. The guy is a monk. He's not even allowed to hurt a plant.

1040. For Pete's sake, this is the monk that twisted your tits!

1041. Now confront him already or you're going to prison!

1042. All right, all right, all right.

1043. Anyways, what I wanted to say to you was...

1044. When we were kids, you kind of bullied me around a little bit,

1045. and I never really did anything to deserve that kind of treatment.

1046. No, of course not, Dave, and I was a real cretin then.

1047. I did a lot of horrible things when I was a kid.

1048. I pushed you around. I called you nasty names.

1049. You pulled my gym shorts down in front of Sara Plowman.

1050. That— That actually was pretty funny.

1051. Jeez, I don't think that it was.

1052. Now, come, David. Humour is the spice of life.

1053. The look on your face was priceless.

1054. "Oh! Sara saw my pee-pee!"

1055. So Pena likes the spicy humour.

1056. Maybe he'd enjoy the knee-slapper you told me earlier about the great Buddha.

1057. Oh, what did you say about Buddha?

1058. Dave said, "How does a guy who weighs over 600 pounds

1059. "have the balls to teach people about self-discipline?"

1060. Hey, let's not make fun of my God here.

1061. You know what else Dave finds particularly piquant?

1062. Recalling your nut-job sister struggling with her underpants in a straitjacket.

1063. Oh, you think that's funny?

1064. Dave used to con her into getting naked

1065. by saying that her clothes had ghosts in them.

1066. That never happened.

1067. Then he'd pull out his winkie

1068. and tell her it was a strawberry ice-cream cone.

1069. Is that what you've come here to tell me?

1070. Did you expose yourself...

1071. to my sister?

1072. No.

1073. And don't shove me again!

1074. It's shower-room humiliation all over again.

1075. He's giving you a wet willie and making you chew on his jockstrap

1076. and fart blossom and all this.

1077. Answer me, Buznik! Did you get it on with my sister?

1078. Over and over again.

1079. And she moaned like a wildebeest.

1080. Wildebeest.

1081. Hmmm—

1082. Whoo! Now, that felt good!

1083. I wasn't expecting that from a Buddhist.

1084. - I'm a little pissed off right now. - You all right?

1085. Yeah.

1086. No, David! David!

1087. No, David! Easy, boy!

1088. Sorry.

1089. Help me, brother.

1090. - Help me. - Okay. Come on. Come on.

1091. Okay, we're even. We're even now.

1092. - I went crazy. I'm so sorry. - I started it.

1093. - I started it. - It's all right.

1094. And I'm gonna finish it!

1095. Now we're even, butt-lick!

1096. No! Don't! Don't! Don't!

1097. "What's that, Auntie Em? It's a twister!"

1098. My nipples!

1099. Pena, look! Your sister's back.

1100. Uooo! I got Casper in my clothes!

1101. Uooo!

1102. - Pretty good. - Thanks, baby.

1103. I'll kill you!

1104. You want that rake? You want that rake?

1105. You can't get that rake from me! You can't get that!

1106. Look, everybody!

1107. Pana Banana's got a heinie!

1108. - He's got a heinie! - I give!

1109. - I give! - All right. I'm sorry.

1110. - Friends? - You suck!

1111. Shankman!

1112. Wedgie! Wedgie! Wedgie!

1113. - I've seen enough. - Hold it right there.

1114. This party's by invitation only.

1115. Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow!

1116. Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

1117. Hold it back there! Come on, Dave, start the car!

1118. Go! Go! Go! Come on, let's go!

1119. Now! Now! Now! Now!

1120. Oh, boy!

1121. We were like Butch and Sundance back there!

1122. Oh, my God! I thought you were gonna shoot somebody!

1123. You really threw me some curves back there, kid.

1124. I never expected it to go that way.

1125. But you kicked some serious monk ass there, baby!

1126. You're damn right, baby!

1127. - How did it feel? - I feel good! I feel incredible!

1128. I feel bad about molesting his sister all those times, but it's all right!

1129. You really molested a crazy girl?

1130. No. Got you.

1131. Congratulations, kid, you've reached level three.

1132. Believe me, I would never gonna do anything with that girl.

1133. Don't worry. Dr. Rydell explained everything to me, and l... I get it.

1134. You know, Dr. Rydell brought up something interesting about me being a procrastinator

1135. and I was gonna wait for a Yankee game to do this, but...

1136. I don't know. I—It's something I wanted to say to you...

1137. and I'm having a hard time saying it for some reason, but...

1138. It's just— It's just that monks, they—they—they talk shit,

1139. but they can't back it up.

1140. That's what was so hard to say to me?

1141. Yeah.

1142. You know, when I was on the phone with Buddy, he gave me some advice.

1143. Oh. That's great. His advice is a little cuckoo,

1144. but somehow it works. Wow.

1145. Well, then I guess I'll just do what he suggested.

1146. I don't think that we should see each other for a while.

1147. Buddy thinks that a trial separation will ultimately...

1148. strengthen our relationship.

1149. I play tennis, you dumb-ass!

1150. I think we're gonna need another session or two, Johnny Mac.

1151. - You're back in the group. - Doc, are you insane?

1152. - You said I was out. - You're in!

1153. - Out! Out! - In!

1154. - In! I'm changing the call! - This is ridiculous!

1155. What kind of stupid call is that?

1156. This is not the Davis Cup, John. This is group therapy.

1157. Now go take a Fury Fighter's nap, all right?

1158. - Don't gnash your teeth. - Sorry.

1159. Now, what keys do we need to possess before...?

1160. - Buddy. - Dave. You're late.

1161. - Can I talk to you a minute alone, please? - Sure you can—

1162. You told Linda we should have a trial separation?

1163. - Yes. - Yes?

1164. Yes!

1165. Separating from Linda is a crucial part of our strategy.

1166. My strategy is to keep my girlfriend.

1167. All right. Strictly as a friend.

1168. Linda's been thinking about leaving you for quite some time.

1169. She loves you, but she recognises you're a neurotic mess.

1170. You're jealous, self-loathing, resentful, insecure,

1171. and a premature ejaculator.

1172. She told you I was a premature ejaculator?

1173. Well, that part I was assuming.

1174. I haven't done that in, like, eight months.

1175. Anyway, a trial separation will make you both gain a deeper appreciation

1176. for David Buznik.

1177. After she dates a couple of losers, she'll be begging you to take her back.

1178. So I've been thinking about it, Linda, and...

1179. a trial separation is exactly what we need.

1180. And if you wanna start seeing other penises... people,

1181. ummm...

1182. I want you to feel free.

1183. You sound upset. Are you all right?

1184. Mmmm. I— I'm— I'm fine. Just...

1185. date anybody you'd like.

1186. And—And don't hold back, okay?

1187. 'Cause there's a lot of nice guys out there and I'm cool with it.

1188. I'll be strong.

1189. So the guy asked me for change. I laughed at his face. He cursed at me.

1190. I took a whizz on him.

1191. - What else could I do, huh? - You should've tossed a rock at him.

1192. Oh, please, that's your solution for everything.

1193. - Look, the guy's homeless, right? - Mmm-mm.

1194. Let him be. Set your anger free.

1195. Look at you, Lou. You really have calmed down since working with Dr. B.

1196. - We all have. - Hey, fellas.

1197. Could you please bring it down a little bit?

1198. Ummm, we're trying to have dinner, and the walls are really thin.

1199. - This is a free country! - What's going on with you?

1200. - Are you crazy? - Go in! Just go inside.

1201. Goosfraba! Goosfraba!

1202. Goosfraba.

1203. Very good. What are you guys doing here, anyways?

1204. I need to see Dr. B. Where is he? I'm in— I'm in crisis.

1205. He's not here. He's somewhere else. Why don't you go look for him?

1206. Hey, Davey, your girlfriend stopped by and she dropped these off for you.

1207. Those are her keys to my apartment.

1208. I think your girlfriend's cheating on you.

1209. - Why? - I heard her on her cell phone,

1210. talking to a guy, making a date.

1211. I'm so sorry, Dave.

1212. Andrew.

1213. I'll kill that guy.

1214. She ain't cheating on me, by the way. We agreed to take a break.

1215. Looks like she's not taking a break from the old sausage, huh?

1216. I'm sorry.

1217. She's meeting the Andrew at Mort's on 86th Street now,

1218. if you wanna go watch.

1219. Hmmm. No. No, I can't do that.

1220. - Dave, hey. - Hey.

1221. We're here.

1222. - Both of you showed up? - Would you like Stacy better or something?

1223. No, no, no, no, it's just that...

1224. I wanna go on a fake date to get my girlfriend jealous

1225. so I really only needed one of you guys.

1226. - Well, now she'll be twice as jealous. - Yes.

1227. - So do you know the guy she's with? - I think I might.

1228. Let me ask you guys something,

1229. because of your profession you probably have seen a lot of 'em.

1230. Does size count at all, or is that just some weird thing guys think about?

1231. All right, you see, this is where Gina and I always get into a heated debate.

1232. I like 'em when they're really big.

1233. And I think it's better when they're enormous.

1234. - Good evening. - Hi.

1235. - Hi. Table for three? - Yes.

1236. - May we take your coats? - No, no, no. We're okay.

1237. Oh, the girls are gonna take their coats off.

1238. Would you like a boobs... booth?

1239. Ummm...

1240. Actually, could you give us a table overlooking that table right there?

1241. - Sure. Right this way. - Thank you.

1242. Oh, my God! It's Stacy and Gina!

1243. - Who? - Nobody.

1244. Huuu, I'm so hungry, I could eat you, Dave.

1245. Yummy, yummy.

1246. - Let's get wasted tonight. - Definitely.

1247. Have fun. Lucky son of a bitch.

1248. What? I—

1249. I can't believe this. Excuse me.

1250. - Linda. - Hey.

1251. I'm a little embarrassed. I didn't know you were gonna be here.

1252. I guess not. Are those your friends?

1253. Well, I'm supposed to date other people, so I figured I'd give it a try.

1254. Uhhh, Gina, can you stop sucking on Stacy's finger for one second?

1255. I wanna introduce you to somebody.

1256. - Stacy, Gina, this is Linda. - Nice to meet you.

1257. Oh, and I'd like you to meet my date.

1258. - Ladies, this is Buddy Rydell. - Oh.

1259. - Look, Dave, it's Buddy. - I see.

1260. - You know Stacy and Gina? - Oh, yes, yes, I do. They're—

1261. We're in Dave's anger group. Fury Fighters! Wooo!

1262. Wooo.

1263. Well, gee whiz. Here's your Rémy, Linda.

1264. This is a bit awkward. Ummm...

1265. I mean, group members are not supposed to get romantically involved.

1266. - Yeah! I agree with that. - You know that.

1267. You know, I'd like to talk to you alone for a second.

1268. There's a rage control technique I'd like to go over with you right now.

1269. Of course. Excuse me—

1270. What?

1271. - Two of the usual, Duke. - Coming right up, Dr. B.

1272. You're the biggest backstabbing piece of crap I ever met.

1273. What are you saying?

1274. I'm trying to give you a hand. It's my job.

1275. Bullshit! Your job is to steal my girlfriend?

1276. My job is trying to prevent Mr. Andrew from unleashing the Whopper with Cheese.

1277. That's right. Since you've been out of the picture,

1278. Andrew's been burning up the wires night and day,

1279. trying to rekindle those hotsie-totsie nights up at Brown U.

1280. - How would you know? - You think I only tapped your phone?

1281. W—What was she saying?

1282. The good news is, I already launched a preemptive strike.

1283. Now the situation is contained.

1284. You and I control the game.

1285. How?

1286. I will be uncharacteristically aggressively boring.

1287. I keep talking about myself, acting arrogant and obnoxious.

1288. When Linda sees what the dating world is really like,

1289. then guess who comes out smelling like a black mushroom?

1290. - You swear to me this is gonna work? - The ball's already up in the air.

1291. Incidentally, nice move bringing the girls.

1292. Very strong. Come on.

1293. I'll see you at home in a half-hour, kid.

1294. That's 25 dollars, pal.

1295. Oh, no, no, no, no. We don't—

1296. Where were you? It's 1:00 o'clock.

1297. When you hear what happened, you'll bow down and worship me like a god.

1298. - Better be good. Give it to me. - Okay.

1299. After dinner, Linda insisted that we go home,

1300. so we hop on the bus—

1301. The bus? You took the bus? What happened to your car?

1302. Well, I was way too smashed to drive.

1303. I told her I didn't wanna waste money on a cab.

1304. Believe me, that did not go down well.

1305. Okay, I like that.

1306. So, we get to her house.

1307. We have some kind of a weird argument about the number of syllables in a haiku.

1308. Poetry garbage.

1309. She said it was getting late, we kissed and I headed on home.

1310. - Now, you say you kissed? - Yeah.

1311. It was nothing. Little five-second kiss. That's all.

1312. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

1313. You're having this horrible evening.

1314. - Now how do you end up kissing, again? - I wish I knew, kid.

1315. We were both pretty geezed up.

1316. One second we're fighting, and the next second we're laughing,

1317. and then just a quick 10-second kiss, you know.

1318. I thought that you said five seconds.

1319. First it was a five-second one

1320. and then a little break because my beard gave her a tickle.

1321. She's cute. And then a 10-second Frencher.

1322. You had your crazy, corroded tongue in my girlfriend's mouth?

1323. Just a second. Just one second, Dave.

1324. Dr. B, let it bip.

1325. Well, hello.

1326. I shouldn't really talk right now.

1327. Well, I suppose you're right. It's...

1328. It's gotta be done.

1329. Who was that? Linda?

1330. Hmmm... Dave...

1331. I've got some good news for you and some potentially upsetting news.

1332. First, the good news.

1333. I'm gonna sign your papers. You're a free man.

1334. Ah-ah. Let me hear the potentially upsetting news.

1335. Linda and l have fallen for one another.

1336. Pretty hard too.

1337. David, I hope you believe me when I say this:

1338. I didn't intend for this to happen.

1339. It was no one's fault, I guess. It was just—

1340. Wait a minute.

1341. I figured this out.

1342. You're messing with me.

1343. I wish I were, Dave.

1344. However, I did insist that we not go forward without your blessing

1345. because we're best friends.

1346. So, what do you say, Dave? Uhhh...

1347. Is it all right if I date your ex?

1348. Welcome back, Mr. Buznik.

1349. I am appalled by your assault on Dr. Rydell.

1350. Obviously, Anger Management has been a complete failure for you.

1351. I'm setting a trial date for three weeks from today for the charge of attempted murder.

1352. As for Dr. Rydell's safety, I'm issuing a restraining order.

1353. Which means that at no time can you come within 500 feet of him

1354. or his lovely new girlfriend, Linda.

1355. Court is adjourned.

1356. Coming, peaches.

1357. Are you kidding me?

1358. Yeah?

1359. Hey, numb-nuts, where's the friggin' catalogue for my Fat Cat clothing line?

1360. I told everyone I'd have it ready for 'em by 3:00.

1361. - Okay. - Get in gear!

1362. I'm so sorry I'm late.

1363. I hope you have the catalogue. My presentation's in two hours.

1364. And what the hell is this? Your fat-shit cat's been sitting on my couch all day.

1365. Oh, don't worry about him.

1366. Here you go. I think you're gonna like it.

1367. Mmm-mm.

1368. It's good stuff.

1369. That's a good picture, I think.

1370. What the hell is this?

1371. Well, you keep telling everybody you came up with the Husky Cat clothing line.

1372. I thought you'd want your picture in there. No?

1373. Frank, question: Can I get two couches in my office?

1374. 'Cause if I have friends come over, I want them to feel comfortable.

1375. What office?

1376. Frank was nice enough to give me some sort of creative executive position.

1377. - You gave him the job that I wanted? - He earned it.

1378. Why can't you be happy for me? Linda's gonna be.

1379. You know something? I'm sick of you hanging out with Linda.

1380. She dumped you 15 years ago. Get over it.

1381. I wouldn't worry about me.

1382. It's your pal Buddy who's taking her to the Yankee game tonight.

1383. Yankee game.

1384. Did he steal my proposal idea?

1385. Buznik, your behaviour is unacceptable.

1386. Unacceptable?

1387. I've been getting your coffee and doing your work for five years now.

1388. And when a good position actually opens up,

1389. you give it to the biggest dick in the world?

1390. I don't know about the biggest in the world,

1391. but it's definitely the biggest one in the room.

1392. Shut up!

1393. Now, when I started here,

1394. I was promised advancement opportunities.

1395. And breaking that promise, to me, is unacceptable.

1396. You see? I golf also. You should bring me sometime.

1397. So, when I get out of jail, sometime in the next two to five years,

1398. I expect you to do the right thing,

1399. and give me the position that Andrew just resigned from.

1400. - Okay. - Great.

1401. Have fun looking like Colonel Klink.

1402. By the way, his name is not Fat-shit Cat, it's Meatball,

1403. and he's eating your crab cakes right now.

1404. - You starting to get excited? - Are you kidding? I'm out of my mind.

1405. Yeah, this is gonna be some night.

1406. Come on. Come on.

1407. - Hey, Dr. B, how's it going? - Very well, thank you.

1408. Always a thrill. Right this way.

1409. Where the hell's a spot? Where's a spot?

1410. Oh, no, no! Oh, no, no! Watch it, man!

1411. Your attention, please.

1412. Before tonight's National Anthem,

1413. Metropolitan Opera star Robert Merrill

1414. will present a special moment for two special people.

1415. Oh. I love when they do this.

1416. - Good. - Ladies and gentlemen, Robert Merrill.

1417. Linda? Linda!

1418. Linda!

1419. Linda!

1420. Hey, hey, hey, hey. What the hell do you think you're doing?

1421. Wait a minute, don't I know you?

1422. - No. Come on. - Where's your German accent?

1423. You must have me confused with somebody—

1424. I—I just wanna get out on the field. I'm a huge fan of Mr. Merrill's—

1425. - There's no fans allowed on that field. - Galaxia.

1426. Shhh. It's Gary.

1427. Whatever. Someone else is gonna marry my woman if you don't let me out there.

1428. - Hebrew Melvin's in love. - Very much.

1429. I can't stop love.

1430. - Go. - Thank you.

1431. Don't you think I don't owe you a couple of smacks, by the way.

1432. Good evening. Tonight, romance comes to Yankee Stadium.

1433. Oh, my God, it's Dave.

1434. What the heck are you doing here?

1435. - I just wanna borrow this for one second. - Hey, that's my mike!

1436. - Linda? Where are you? - Hey.

1437. Don't move.

1438. Linda? Are you out there, honey?

1439. Linda, I'm not mad at you.

1440. Oh, shit.

1441. Linda, I know that crazy man brought you here.

1442. Davey's going crazy!

1443. Hey, I've done crazier stuff than that to win back a chick.

1444. Once I ran naked through a subway station.

1445. How was that supposed to work?

1446. I guess I never really thought it through.

1447. Dave?

1448. Linda, I gotta tell you something personal!

1449. This kid lost his marbles.

1450. - Linda! - Dave, I'm over here!

1451. Linda, think about what you're doing to us.

1452. Sweet tackle. Wow.

1453. Dave just got levelled! Yeah!

1454. - Nobody messes with my microphone. - I'm sorry.

1455. Bob?

1456. - Everything all right, Buddy? - Oh, yeah.

1457. I've never seen you so excited.

1458. Well, it's not every day a man gets to propose marriage to the woman he loves, Bob.

1459. Now, here's what I want you to put up on the scoreboard.

1460. Linda! Linda, I've loved you since the day I met you!

1461. I won't let you do this to us!

1462. Linda, don't marry him!

1463. Don't marry him!

1464. Wait.

1465. Let this man finish what he came here to say.

1466. Let the man back in.

1467. - Who was that guy? - I think it's Bill Clinton.

1468. Thank you, Mayor Giuliani. You're the man, by the way.

1469. This clown better hurry up. My arm's starting to ice over.

1470. Chill, Rocket. Goosfraba. Goosfraba.

1471. Yeah. Goosfraba.

1472. Linda,

1473. I can understand why you wanted to see other people. I really can.

1474. Buddy Rydell is a psycho!

1475. But he was right about one thing.

1476. I was an angry guy.

1477. Mainly angry at myself,

1478. for letting people treat me like crap all the time.

1479. But I don't wanna be that angry guy anymore.

1480. I wanna change.

1481. And if you give me a chance,

1482. I can show you that I got the guts to stand up for what I believe in.

1483. And I believe in us, Linda.

1484. I love you with all my heart, and I know you love me back.

1485. I should be your husband, not that weirdo.

1486. I wannna... have a family with you. I wanna have kids with you.

1487. Kids who have your eyes and your lips,

1488. and my... last name. That's all I wish on.

1489. Please marry me, Linda.

1490. Before I make my decision, you have to do something for me.

1491. You have to kiss me in front of all these people!

1492. You can do it, David!

1493. Give her a five-second Frencher!

1494. Kiss her, David.

1495. Kiss her, David!

1496. Kiss her, David!

1497. Kiss her, David.

1498. Kiss her, David!

1499. Go Yankees!

1500. Dave's a dirty boy.

1501. That wasn't so bad, was it?

1502. I can't believe you actually started to fall for that crazy man.

1503. Buddy's not such a bad guy.

1504. Congratulations, Dave! You just graduated from Anger Management!

1505. I'm glad your car died. I think the train's romantic.

1506. Don't change the subject.

1507. You're telling me the past two weeks of my life was just therapy?

1508. Well...

1509. Yeah.

1510. I met with Buddy after reading his book and I...

1511. told him about some of the things going on in your life and...

1512. how upset it was making you and how nuts it was making me.

1513. Oh my God. Yes.

1514. He said that he thought he could help. But it would be tough.

1515. So how much of this thing was a setup?

1516. Well, the guy in your seat on the plane, the flight attendant, the judge,

1517. they're all friends of Buddy's.

1518. What about the air marshal who tasered me? Was he in on it?

1519. No, he was just having a bad day.

1520. Son of a bitch.

1521. - Hi. - Hi!

1522. - Dave! - David!

1523. - Skipper, how you doing? - Oh.

1524. Buddy Rydell, you're a great man.

1525. I was just doing my job. I never doubted you for a minute.

1526. Except when Galaxia had a hold of you.

1527. Did you just call that guy Buddy Rydell?

1528. Yeah.

1529. A guy named Buddy Rydell left this card

1530. on what's left of my Lexus!

1531. Oh, yeah. For insurance purposes.

1532. Your insurance was cancelled!

1533. Grenada! Grenada!

1534. Don't you point that gun at Buddy. I'm the one who smashed your car up.

1535. - Dave! - No!

1536. I'm sick of guys like this.

1537. You wanna mess with my friends, you gotta shoot me first.

1538. - David, no! - Are you crazy?

1539. Settle down.

1540. Butt out! Tough guy's gonna learn a lesson.

1541. I'm not afraid of you. Dr. Rydell taught me not to be afraid of anybody.

1542. Can I ask you a question, though?

1543. Who's that pretty girl in that mirror there?

1544. What mirror, where?

1545. Got you!

1546. Dr. B, Davey just pulled a joke on us!

1547. And how does that make you feel, Lou?

1548. I feel pretty

1549. Oh, so pretty

1550. I feel pretty, and witty, and bright

1551. Chuck, Chuck.

1552. We were just doing a little joke. That's my friend there.

1553. Are you okay?

1554. - I feel stunning - He feels stunning

1555. And entrancing

1556. Feel like running and dancing for joy

1557. For I'm loved by a pretty, wonderful boy:

1558. What's up, baby?