Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)

1. There was a time, a time before cable...

2. when the local anchorman reigned supreme.

3. When people believed everything they heard on TV.

4. This was an age when only men were allowed to read the news.

5. And in San Diego,

6. one anchorman was more man than the rest.

7. His name was Ron Burgundy.

8. He was like a god walking amongst mere mortals.

9. He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr,

10. and suits so fine they made Sinatra look like a hobo.

11. In other words, Ron Burgundy was the balls.

12. Mm.

13. I look good.

14. I mean really good.

15. Hey, everyone,

16. come and see how good I look.

17. Ribs. I had ribs for lunch. That's why I'm doing this.

18. How now brown cow.

19. How are you? You look awfully nice tonight.

20. Maybe don't wear a bra next time.

21. No, I was talking to you.

22. Not her. I don't know her name. What is it?

23. Lanolin?

24. Lanolin? Like... Like sheep's wool?

25. Unique New York.

26. Mm... I love scotch. I love scotch. Scotchy-scotch-scotch.

27. Here it goes down. Down into my belly.

28. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

29. The arsonist has oddly-shaped feet.

30. How much time? 30? 30 seconds?

31. - You are on. - I'm on right now?

32. I don't believe you.

33. - Ron. - What?

34. Oh, come on. Audrey?

35. I look like hell, I got bags under my eyes.

36. What's that? If you were a man, I'd punch you right in the mouth.

37. That's bush. Bush League.

38. The Human Torch was denied a bank loan.

39. You hear me? Audrey! Look at me!

40. I'm sorry. All right?

41. All right, we're on.

42. - Ready, Phil. - We're on in five, four...

43. When the clock struck six,

44. it meant one thing for Ron Burgundy and his news team:

45. go time.

46. Channel 4 News, with five-time Emmy-Award-winning anchor,

47. Ron Burgundy.

48. Champ Kind: sports.

49. Brick Tamland: weather.

50. And your reporter in the field, Brian Fantana.

51. It's Channel 4 News at six o'clock.

52. Good evening, I'm Ron Burgundy. This is what's happening in your world tonight.

53. A La Jolla man clings to life at a university hospital,

54. after being viciously attacked by a pack of wild dogs in an abandoned pool.

55. Hey, everybody, shut the hell up, Ron Burgundy's on.

56. Ron Burgundy.

57. Oh, my God! She said her first words!

58. Right now, it's 82 degrees in our fair city,

59. and compare that to 48 degrees in the upper northwest,

60. and 38 degrees in the Middle East.

61. Off the coast of Tampa Bay yesterday,

62. one lucky cameraman happened to catch

63. an unusual aquatic daredevil.

64. What you're about to see is a Channel 4 News exclusive.

65. His name is Nutty the squirrel,

66. and he's three years old.

67. How about that?

68. That squirrel can water ski.

69. Man, that's hilarious.

70. For all of us here at News Center 4, I'm Ron Burgundy.

71. You stay classy, San Diego.

72. You stay classy, San Diego.

73. Listen up. The ratings just came in for last month.

74. We are number one. We just grabbed every key demographic.

75. Super-duper. That's nice.

76. - Way to go. Neato, gang. - Yes!

77. - That is good news. - Congrats.

78. That is good news. All right!

79. Make sure these guys don't party too much.

80. - They don't really ever listen to me. - Just get it done.

81. Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention?

82. I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story.

83. I need all of you to stop what you're doing and listen.

84. Cannonball!

85. Yes, these fellas were a real news team.

86. Burgundy, of course, was the foundation, the rock,

87. but each member brought their own special something to the equation.

88. People call me the Bri-Man. I'm the stylish one of the group.

89. I know what you're asking yourself

90. and the answer is yes, I have a nickname for my penis.

91. It's called the Octagon.

92. But I also nicknamed my testes. My left one is James Westfall,

93. and my right one is Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

94. You ladies play your cards right, you might get to meet the whole gang.

95. Back booth at Charlie Lancer's every Friday night.

96. Champ, here. I'm all about having fun.

97. Get a couple of cocktails in me, start a fire in someone's kitchen,

98. maybe go to SeaWorld, take my pants off.

99. Anyway, I've become kind of famous

100. for my signature catchphrase "Whammy!"

101. As in "Gene Tenace at the plate,

102. and... whammy!"

103. Whammy!

104. I'm Brick Tamland.

105. People seem to like me because I'm polite and rarely late.

106. I like to eat ice cream,

107. and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks.

108. Years later, a doctor will tell me

109. that I have an IQ of 48,

110. and am what some people call "mentally retarded."

111. Hello.

112. - Woo! Marco! - Polo!

113. - Having a good time? - I'm having a great time.

114. That makes two of us.

115. You gotta meet this girl.

116. She was a Charger cheerleader, but broke her pelvis.

117. Sherri, meet Ron Burgundy.

118. - Hey, Ron. - Hello.

119. I've got a big story for you. And it's right here.

120. Well, hello.

121. You pointed to your boobies.

122. Oh, my God, you did.

123. - Ron Burgundy? - Yes?

124. I've had a crush on you since I was a little girl.

125. - Let's go somewhere. - It don't get no better than this.

126. We've been coming to the same party for 12 years,

127. and in no way is that depressing.

128. By the beard of Zeus.

129. Excuse me.

130. Where are you going? What, are you crazy? Ron!

131. "You're coming down the base line, gotta take home plate from me."

132. So there I go, head first...

133. I've lost her.

134. Whoa!

135. Hello.

136. Hope I'm not disturbing you, but...

137. I saw you from across the party and...

138. I don't usually do this, but I felt compelled to tell you something.

139. You have an absolutely

140. breathtaking heinie.

141. I mean, that thing is good.

142. I want to be friends with it.

143. Well, you certainly know how to compliment a woman.

144. Now if you'll excuse me.

145. Do you know who I am?

146. No, I can't say that I do.

147. I don't know how to put this,

148. but I'm kind of a big deal.

149. Really?

150. People know me.

151. - I'm very happy for you. - I'm very important.

152. I have many leather-bound books.

153. And my apartment smells

154. of rich mahogany.

155. I mean...

156. That sounded stupid.

157. No, no, it's...

158. very exciting.

159. Listen, can I start over again?

160. Sure.

161. I wanna say something.

162. I wanna put it out there.

163. If you like it, you can take it. If you don't, send it right back.

164. I wanna be on you.

165. Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

166. I...

167. I wanna be on you.

168. Yoo-hoo!

169. Baxter?

170. Papa's home. There he is, there's my little man.

171. You're OK?

172. Of course I met a lady tonight.

173. This one was different, I have to be honest.

174. Quite different.

175. What? I'm lonely? I'm not lonely.

176. I'm beloved by everyone in San Diego.

177. Well...

178. You know how to cut to the core of me, Baxter.

179. You're so wise.

180. Like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair.

181. Come again?

182. You know I don't speak Spanish. In English, please.

183. Huh?

184. You pooped in the refrigerator?

185. And you ate a whole wheel of cheese?

186. How did you do that?

187. Actually, I'm not even mad. That's amazing.

188. I forgive you.

189. What do you say we get you in your PJs and hit the hay?

190. Bedtime, OK. Come on, let's go.

191. Come on.

192. That was one crazy party.

193. I am hung-over.

194. I woke up this morning

195. in some Japanese family's rec room,

196. and they would not stop screaming.

197. Yeah, I ate a big, red candle.

198. All right, guys, let's focus up.

199. Morning, everyone.

200. Here are the stories we'll be chasing today.

201. It looks like Ling Wong, the rare panda at the San Diego Zoo is pregnant.

202. - This is a big one. - This could be the story of the summer.

203. Network is gonna be wanting plenty of coverage.

204. And speaking of network,

205. word on the street is they're looking for a new anchor, so Ron...

206. Huh? Network. Are they here?

207. A lot of you have been hearing the affiliates complaining

208. about a lack of diversity on the news team.

209. What in the hell is diversity?

210. I could be wrong, but I believe

211. Diversity is an old, old wooden ship

212. that was used during the Civil War era.

213. I would be surprised if the affiliates were concerned

214. about the lack of an old wooden ship, but nice try.

215. Diversity means that times are changing,

216. and with that in mind...

217. - Ron, are you paying attention? - Nope.

218. - Well, this concerns all of us. - OK.

219. I'd like to introduce the latest addition

220. to the KVWN news team,

221. directly from WYPN

222. in Asheville, North Carolina,

223. Ms. Veronica Corningstone.

224. Hello, everyone.

225. I want you all to know that I look forward to contributing

226. to this news station's already sterling reputation.

227. I mean, come on, Ed, it's bull crap!

228. Don't get me wrong, I love the ladies, they rev my engine,

229. but they don't belong in the news room!

230. It is anchorman, not anchorlady,

231. and that is a scientific fact!

232. Uh-huh!

233. I don't know what we're yelling about!

234. You're with us, Ron. What do you think?

235. It's terrible! She has beautiful eyes and her hair smells like cinnamon!

236. Mm-hm!

237. Loud noises!

238. Everyone relax, she's not going to take anyone's airtime.

239. I read somewhere that their periods attract bears.

240. The bears can smell the menstruation.

241. Well, that's just great.

242. You hear that? Bears. You're putting the whole station in jeopardy.

243. I will say one thing for her,

244. she does have a nice, big old behind.

245. I'd like to put some barbecue sauce on that butt and just...

246. Stop it!

247. Look at that full-moon butt!

248. - Champ. Champ!

249. Mr. Harken, I was wondering if you knew when my office will be ready?

250. That might take some time.

251. For now, just grab a desk in the bullpen.

252. You can use my office and afterwards we can go to lunch!

253. Lower your voice, Ron.

254. Thank you, I'll go get my desk set up.

255. Ooh, she is a saucy momma! I mean I would...

256. Here we go again. Every station, it's the same.

257. Women ask me how I put up with it.

258. The truth is I don't really have a choice.

259. This is definitely a man's world. But while they're laughing

260. and grab-assing,

261. I'm chasing down leads and practicing my non-regional diction.

262. Because the only way to win is to be the best. The very best.

263. Touchy situation.

264. I think the best thing to do with this Corningstone,

265. to keep her in line, is bed her quick.

266. That behind is driving me loco, I'm like a night wolf.

267. Guys, take it easy. She's got feelings too.

268. What? Oh, my God!

269. Listen to Burgundy, he's gone soft on us like some schoolboy bitch.

270. You sound like a gay.

271. Hey, come on! It's me, Papa Burgundy, all right?

272. As far as I'm concerned, Corningstone's fair game.

273. Huh?

274. Let the games begin. Hi-o!

275. Hi-o! Hi-o!

276. - There he is. There he is. - Come on.

277. I'm very aroused.

278. What's this?

279. Well, well, well.

280. Ron Burgundy and the Channel 4 News team.

281. Hello, Wes Mantooth.

282. - Hello, evening news team. - Nice clothes, gentlemen.

283. I didn't know the Salvation Army was having a sale.

284. Am I right? Look at these guys.

285. Hey, where did you get those clothes?

286. At the toilet store?

287. What are you doing on our station's turf, Burgundy?

288. You're about to get a serious beat-down.

289. I will smash your face into a car windshield,

290. then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth,

291. out for a nice seafood dinner,

292. and never call her again.

293. Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! Do you understand me?

294. Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!

295. Hey, leave the mothers out of this, all right?

296. It's not necessary.

297. Besides,

298. I'm sure Wes here is just upset

299. over finishing second in the ratings again.

300. Ooh!

301. That's completely uncalled for.

302. You know those rating systems are flawed.

303. They don't take into account houses that have more than two televisions

304. and other things of that nature.

305. I guess I have to take you at your word,

306. number two.

307. You have a great day, fellas.

308. We'll see you around the bend.

309. Excusez-moi, numéro two.

310. Hey, Burgundy!

311. You know those sample audiences aren't big enough!

312. Stop hiding behind those phony numbers!

313. I'm coming after you.

314. I hate you, Ron Burgundy.

315. I hate you!

316. You can't say one word?

317. Even the guy who can't think says something. You just stand there?

318. Come on!

319. Right, but I think my son is just going through a phase.

320. I have no idea where he would have gotten a hold of German pornography.

321. But you and I are mature adults,

322. we've both seen our share of pornographic materials.

323. Oh, you never have? Of course you haven't.

324. How stupid of me. Neither have I. I was just speaking in generalities.

325. Right. I'll stop by the school a little later, Sister Margaret. Bye.

326. Ed, she insisted on coming in.

327. Mr. Harken, sir, I will not have my first story at this news station

328. be about a cat fashion show.

329. Ms. Corningstone, ma'am,

330. you will do the stories to which you are assigned.

331. Mr. Harken, I am a damn good journalist,

332. and this cat show thing is grade A baloney.

333. It is not baloney, now go do your job...

334. It is baloney.

335. Hey, Ron.

336. I'm going to take a run at the new girl. Let the games begin.

337. - Champ. Champ...

338. We're not really going to do that, we were just flapping our gums.

339. Oh, yeah. You kill me, Burgundy.

340. Let me just grab this.

341. Sorry about that. Whammy!

342. - Uh, Champ? - Yeah?

343. You're trying to touch my breast, aren't you?

344. What can I say? I like the way you're put together.

345. What do you say we go out on a date?

346. Have some chicken, maybe some sex.

347. You know, see what happens.

348. Oh! Let me get this over here.

349. Ooh! Ooh!

350. Sorry.

351. - Oh, there it is.

352. I'll give this little cookie an hour

353. before we're doing the no-pants dance.

354. Time to musk up.

355. Wow!

356. Never ceases to amaze me.

357. What cologne you going to go with?

358. London Gentlemen or... Wait, no, hold on...

359. Blackbeard's Delight.

360. No. She gets the special cologne.

361. It's called Sex Panther, by Odeon.

362. It's illegal in nine countries.

363. Yep. It's made with bits of real panther.

364. - So you know it's good. - It's quite pungent.

365. - Oh, yeah. - It's a formidable scent.

366. Stings the nostrils.

367. - In a good way. - Yeah.

368. I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.

369. They've done studies, you know.

370. Sixty per cent of the time, it works every time.

371. - That doesn't make sense. - Well...

372. Let's go see if we can make this little kitty purr.

373. Hey, sweet-cheeks. Got an invite I'd like to extend your way.

374. My God!

375. What is that smell?

376. - Oh!

377. That's the smell of desire, my lady.

378. - God, no, it smells like a used diaper

379. filled with Indian food.

380. - Oh!

381. Excuse me.

382. Desire smells like that to some people.

383. What is that? It smells like a turd covered in burnt hair.

384. It smells like Bigfoot's dick!

385. - Oh! - Oh hell, that's rank!

386. What's that smell?

387. This is worse than the time the raccoon got in the copier.

388. Yeah.

389. It's very distracting. So when we get to the pet shop...

390. Cough!

391. Look over here.

392. - Excuse me, Veronica. - Yes, what is it?

393. I would like to extend to you

394. an invitation to the pants party.

395. - Excuse me? - The... party. The pants...

396. With pants. The party with pants.

397. Are you saying there's a party in your pants and I'm invited?

398. That's it.

399. Did Brian tell you to say this?

400. - Yes, he did. - OK.

401. No, I don't want to go to a party in your pants.

402. Very well. Ian, would you like to go to a party in my pants?

403. No, Brick.

404. All right. Let's go.

405. All right...

406. I'm all right.

407. I'm telling you, she is a real ball-buster.

408. - A real ice-queen. - Mm!

409. I just burned my tongue.

410. The only way to bag a classy lady is to

411. give her two tickets to the gun show.

412. And see if she likes the goods.

413. 1,001 ...

414. 1,002...

415. - Mr. Burgundy. - 1,003...

416. Helen said you needed to see me?

417. Ms. Corningstone.

418. I wasn't expecting company.

419. Just doing my workout. Tuesday's arms and back.

420. You asked me to come by, sir.

421. - Oh, did I? - Yes.

422. Oh! It's the deep burn.

423. Oh! It's so deep.

424. I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many.

425. I don't know if you heard me counting, I did over a thousand.

426. You have your ubulus muscle

427. that connects to the upper dorsinus.

428. It's boring, but it's part of my life.

429. I'm just going to grab this shirt.

430. Watch out for the guns, they'll get you.

431. You are pathetic.

432. This has to be the feeblest pick-up attempt I have ever encountered.

433. I expected it from the rest of them, but not from you.

434. Wait a minute.

435. Pick-up attempt? I'm offended.

436. I have no time to get to the gym,

437. so I have to sculpt my guns at the office.

438. Stop calling your arms "guns."

439. Look... my plan was to ask you

440. if I could squire you about town

441. as one professional helping another,

442. because I know what it's like to be lonely in a new city.

443. - Really? - Yes.

444. But now I am too hurt.

445. I am shocked and offended

446. and hurt.

447. I could do that.

448. - Really? - Well, yes.

449. As a journalist, I should get to know the city that I'm covering.

450. But this is not a date.

451. No, of course not.

452. - Strictly professional. - Wonderful.

453. Great.

454. So I pick you up... 8:00?

455. Nine.

456. Downstairs?

457. Mr. Burgundy, you have a massive erection.

458. Really?

459. Yes, I do. Um...

460. I'm sorry. It's...

461. It's the pleats.

462. It's actually an optical illusion. It's the pattern on the pants.

463. It's not flattering in the crotchal region.

464. I'm actually taking them back right now, taking them back to the...

465. the pants store.

466. This is awkward.

467. I... I will see you later?

468. Mm-hm...

469. Yes.

470. Taking them...

471. Nothing to look at!

472. Don't act like you're not impressed.

473. Frame up two.

474. Let's go to Brian Fantana live on the scene

475. with a Channel 4 News exclusive. Brian?

476. Panda Watch! The mood is tense.

477. I've been on some serious reports, but nothing quite like this.

478. I... I... Uh...

479. Ching... King is inside right now. I tried to get an interview with him,

480. but they said "No, he's a live bear, he will rip your face off."

481. Hey, you're making me look stupid.

482. Get out here, panda jerk.

483. Great story. Compelling and rich.

484. That's going to do it for all of us here.

485. You stay classy, San Diego.

486. I'm Ron Burgundy?

487. Damn it, who typed a question mark on the teleprompter?

488. For the last time, anything you put on that prompter,

489. Burgundy will read.

490. This is a mistake.

491. But he's very cute. No, he's not, he's hairy.

492. There she is. Veronica, my little china doll.

493. - I am full of it tonight. - Oh, silly.

494. - Hi. - You look ravishing.

495. It truly is Beauty and the Beast.

496. I might add a handsome beast.

497. - Are you ready for our rendezvous? - It's not a date.

498. No.

499. Strictly professional. Doesn't mean we can't have fun.

500. - Shall we? - Yes.

501. San Diego.

502. Mm!

503. Drink it in, it always goes down smooth.

504. What a beautiful view.

505. I know. I love this city.

506. It's a fact, it's the greatest city in the history of mankind.

507. Discovered by the Germans in 1904,

508. they named it San Diago.

509. Which, of course, in German means, "a whale's vagina."

510. No, there's no way that's correct.

511. I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you.

512. I don't know what it means.

513. I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore.

514. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.

515. Doesn't it mean "Saint Diego"?

516. No. No.

517. No, that's what it means.

518. - Really. - Well, agree to disagree.

519. - May I take your order? - Yes.

520. I am going to have three fingers of Glenlivet,

521. with a little bit of pepper and some cheese.

522. - Very good. - I'll take a Manhattan.

523. Kick the vermouth with a pair of steel-toed boots.

524. - Certainly. - Thank you, Scot.

525. Wow, quite a drink order.

526. Well, when in Rome.

527. Yes?

528. - Please, go on. - Uh...

529. Do as the Romans do.

530. - It's an old expression. - Oh!

531. I've never heard of it. It's wonderful, though.

532. Mr. Burgundy.

533. - Tino. How are you? - So good to see you.

534. - Oh, you're looking fantastic. - Tino, Veronica.

535. What a pretty girlfriend. Drinks are on Tino.

536. No, we're work associates.

537. I work at the station. I'm a journalist.

538. Oh, OK. This is a good guy.

539. Tino's the finest club owner in the city.

540. - My best friend ever, right? - Yes.

541. Yes. We have a saying in my country about people like him.

542. "The coyote of the desert likes to eat the heart of the young,

543. where the blood drips down to the children for breakfast, lunch and dinner

544. and only the ribs will be broken in two."

545. Tino...

546. OK, well, we will be honored if you would playjazz flute for us.

547. - I can't. - Please.

548. - You playjazz flute? - I dabble.

549. Would everyone like to hear Ron Burgundy play some jazz flute?

550. Get it going, Ronnie.

551. - Yes. Please.

552. You, get on stage now.

553. OK, I guess I could play a little ditty.

554. - Honestly, I'm... - Come on, give him a hand.

555. I really am not prepared at all.

556. The king, Ron Burgundy!

557. This is a surprise, I'll tell you.

558. Guys, East Harlem Shakedown, E-flat.

559. Keep the cymbals splashy and let's take the bass line for a walk.

560. Hold on.

561. I'm not hearing it right. Hold on.

562. We got it now. It's all right.

563. Fire up, Ronnie.

564. Little Ham And Eggs coming at you. Hope you got your griddles.

565. That's baby-making music, that is.

566. Let's go.

567. - Oh!

568. Hey, Aqualung!

569. - Thank you!

570. Thank you!

571. - Mm!

572. - You were amazing. - Mm. Thank you.

573. Where did you learn to play like that?

574. Well, jazz flute has

575. always been a small passion of mine.

576. So, what other passions do you have?

577. Well, I have one great passion that...

578. that lives deep within my loins,

579. like a flaming, golden hawk.

580. To one day become a network anchor.

581. Well, believe it or not,

582. we share the same dream.

583. I too want to be a network anchor.

584. God, you are so beautiful.

585. We really should be going.

586. I swore that I would never get involved with a co-worker.

587. Wait.

588. What ifjust for tonight, we weren't co-workers,

589. we were co-people?

590. - I don't... - Shh!

591. You be a woman,

592. I'll be a man.

593. That's all.

594. You continue to surprise me, Mr. Burgundy.

595. Oh, I'm storming your castle on my steed, my lady.

596. Wait, stop talking like that, I can't understand you.

597. Sorry.

598. - Take me to Pleasure Town. - Oh, we're going there.

599. I frigging love you!

600. I frigging love you back!

601. Look, the most glorious rainbow ever.

602. Oh! Do me on it.

603. Whoo! Wee!

604. Well done, sir.

605. Tip of the cap to you, as well, Ms. Corningstone.

606. I'm having very strong feelings for you, Mr. Burgundy.

607. But it's very important to me that I be viewed as a professional.

608. Right.

609. When in Rome.

610. - Yeah...

611. That expression doesn't really apply to what I'm talking about.

612. Oh! Um...

613. What I was saying.

614. I still don't quite understand what it means.

615. You'll find it.

616. No, I was saying that

617. if we continue seeing each other,

618. that we should keep it relatively quiet around the station.

619. Absolutely,

620. my wild love tigress.

621. Tasteful discretion is the name of the game.

622. Veronica Corningstone and I had sex

623. and now we are in love!

624. Did I say that loud?

625. - Yeah, you pretty much yelled it. - Well, I can't help it.

626. - It's fantastic. - What's it like?

627. The intimate times? Out of sight, my man.

628. No. The other thing.

629. - Love? - Yeah. What is that?

630. Well, it's tough to explain.

631. - I think I was in love once. - Really. What was her name?

632. - I don't remember. - Not a good start, but keep going.

633. She was Brazilian, or Chinese,

634. or something weird.

635. I met her in the bathroom of a Kmart and we made out for hours.

636. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.

637. I'm pretty sure that's not love.

638. - Damn it. - I love...

639. carpet.

640. I love desk.

641. Are you just looking at things in the office and saying you love them?

642. I love lamp.

643. Do you really, or are you just saying it because you saw it?

644. I love lamp. I love lamp.

645. - You really want to know what love is? - Yeah.

646. - Yes. Tell us. - More than anything in the world.

647. Well, it's really quite simple.

648. It's kind of like...

649. ♪ When everything's a little clearer in the light of day

650. ♪ Thinking of you's working up my appetite

651. ♪ Sky rockets in flight

652. Boo!

653. You guys have it, I think.

654. I don't know, Ron. That sounds kind of crazy.

655. Sounds like you have mental problems, man.

656. You have mental problems, man.

657. - It really does. - Man.

658. - I'm gonna make a phone call here. - Freshen this up.

659. Oh, look out, next up it's Whiskerus Maximus.

660. He is ready to do battle in the arena

661. against the tiniest lion you've ever imagined.

662. I'm getting some great stuff, Ms. Corningstone.

663. Shut up.

664. I hate cats. Let's do my sign-off and get out of here.

665. It was quite a show down here at the Pet Shack,

666. and just for today, fashion curiosity did not kill the cat.

667. I'm Veronica Corningstone for Channel 4 News.

668. And that of course was our newest reporter Veronica Corningstone.

669. She's really great.

670. I'd also like to share with you that we are currently dating

671. and that she is quite a handful in the bedroom.

672. Uh...

673. Well, that does it for all of us here at 6:00.

674. For the Channel 4 News team, I'm Ron Burgundy.

675. You stay classy, San Diego.

676. All clear.

677. Uh-oh!

678. I might be in trouble on that one.

679. I can't believe that you said we were dating on the air.

680. Mm! Mm!

681. That is good fondue.

682. Don't you get it, Ron? I want to be an anchor.

683. That will never happen if everyone in San Diego thinks I'm your bimbo gal-pal.

684. I don't know what to say,

685. I just... I got excited.

686. I just wanted to shout it from on top of a mountain,

687. but I didn't have a mountain, I had a newsroom and a camera.

688. Look, I report the news, that's what I do.

689. Today's top story,

690. in Ron Burgundy's world,

691. read something like this:

692. I love Veronica Corningstone.

693. Oh, Ron...

694. This is nice, gang, just sitting here, brown-bagging it.

695. So the team pancake breakfast is tomorrow at nine.

696. Oh, I almost forgot. I won't be able to make it, fellas.

697. Veronica and I are trying this new fad called "jogging."

698. I believe it's "jogging." Or "yogging," it might be a soft J.

699. I'm not sure, but apparently

700. you just run for an extended period of time.

701. - It's supposed to be wild. - So Ron's not coming?

702. No, Ron's coming.

703. It's the pancake breakfast. We do it every month.

704. I realize that,

705. but sometimes you got to look in the mirror and say "When in Rome."

706. The bottom line is

707. you've been spending a lot of time with this lady.

708. You're a member of the Channel 4 News team.

709. - That's a given. - We need you.

710. Hell, I need you.

711. I'm a mess without you.

712. I miss you so damn much.

713. I miss being with you.

714. I miss being near you.

715. I miss your laugh.

716. I miss your scent.

717. I miss your musk.

718. When this all gets sorted out, you and me should get an apartment.

719. Just take it easy, Champ.

720. Why don't you stop talking for a while?

721. Maybe sit the next couple of plays out. Know what I mean?

722. I'm gonna quit saying things

723. when they crop up there in the old skull, huh?

724. See what it's like when you're not here?

725. You're our leader. Look what you're doing to the group.

726. Champ's a mess, Brick can't sleep at night.

727. Here's the thing. I don't trust this chick. We need you around.

728. She is just using you.

729. Everyone just relax, all right?

730. If there's one thing Ron Burgundy knows, it's women.

731. I don't know, Ron.

732. Guess what? I do.

733. I know that one day, Veronica and I are going to get married

734. on top of a mountain.

735. And there's going to be flutes playing,

736. and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs,

737. and we will dance till the sun rises.

738. And then our children will form a family band.

739. We will tour the countryside and you won't be invited.

740. I'm telling you, this lady has really crawled into Ron's head.

741. Good one.

742. OK, I understand. Have a nice day, sir. Bye.

743. I could come back later.

744. No, it's just parent stuff.

745. It seems our youngest, Chris,

746. was on something called "acid"

747. and was firing a bow and arrow into a crowd.

748. - You know how kids are. - Right.

749. Anyhoo, what can I do you for?

750. Well, Mr. Harken, I feel like I have proven myself as a journalist,

751. and that I deserve the opportunity to take on more challenging stories.

752. Well, ask and you shall receive.

753. Ah! Yes, this just came across my desk.

754. Here's a story of a 103-year-old woman out in Chula Vista

755. who claims to have a recipe for the world's greatest meatloaf.

756. Now that's a hot lead.

757. It was very hard for Veronica,

758. but she was a pro and hung tough,

759. but soon, with a simple act of littering,

760. everyone's life would change forever.

761. ♪ Oh, Baxter

762. This burrito is delicious but it is filling.

763. - Whoa!

764. Antony and Cleopatra!

765. Goddamn son of...

766. - What the hell, bro? - Hello, neighbor.

767. Did you throw a burrito out your window?

768. - I believe I did. - Are you high or something?

769. - Did you see what happened? - I did, that was a terrific spill.

770. - That's quite a raspberry. - That's my chopper you just thrashed.

771. Easy, compadre, I'm your friend out here.

772. I want you to fix my chopper before I stomp your goofy ass!

773. If you want to throw down fisticuffs, fine.

774. I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary waiting for you.

775. You destroyed the only thing I love, all right?

776. There it is. What do you love?

777. I love poetry.

778. And a glass of scotch.

779. And of course, my friend Baxter here.

780. Well, guess what? Now this is happening.

781. Excuse me.

782. What are you doing?

783. That's how I roll.

784. Baxter!

785. No!

786. - Where the hell is he? - He'll be here.

787. I thought he was Mr. Dependable.

788. I'd put Brick on, but unless he's tracking a storm front, he's useless.

789. - Excuse me, gentlemen. - Hello.

790. I just want you to know that if Ron does not show up, I am ready to go on.

791. Sweetheart, you and I have had this discussion a million times.

792. - There's never been a woman anchor. - Mr. Harken,

793. - this city needs its news. - Oh!

794. And you are gonna deprive them of that because I have breasts?

795. Exquisite breasts?

796. Now, I am gonna go on, and if you wanna try and stop me,

797. bring it on. Because I am good at three things.

798. Fighting, screwing and reading the news.

799. I've already done one of those today.

800. So, what's the other one gonna be?

801. Screwing?

802. I will be in Make-up.

803. Jesus. She's terrifying.

804. Fantana.

805. - Ron! Are you OK? - The man punted Baxter.

806. Calm down. Breathe, Ron.

807. The man on the motorcycle.

808. - What did the bad man do? - The motorcycle on the bridge.

809. I hit him with a burrito.

810. - Ron... - He took him.

811. He took him with his foot and he kicked him.

812. - That's what he did. - Someone punted him?

813. No, wait, let me say something.

814. Let me say something.

815. What?

816. I don't... I didn't understand one word you said.

817. Are you OK?

818. Ron.

819. - Where are you? - I'm in a glass case of emotion.

820. Look, he's going to put Corningstone on.

821. He's gonna put Corningstone on!

822. I've got to do the news.

823. You're not Ron.

824. We're on in ten. Good luck, lady.

825. Ready the announce.

826. - Power. - Roll in.

827. Power. Power.

828. One slip and you're gone.

829. Whammy.

830. And your reporter in the field, Brian Fantana.

831. It's Channel 4 News at six o'clock.

832. Good evening. Ron Burgundy is off tonight.

833. I'm Veronica Corningstone.

834. - Tonight's top story... - We're off and running.

835. Three men wearing ski masks made off with over $20,000 from an area bank

836. in a daring early-morning robbery.

837. Hey!

838. And the winner of the frog-leaping contest was Hoppy,

839. with a jump of seven feet, ten inches.

840. I used to date a guy named Hoppy in Alabama.

841. He was quite a jumper too.

842. That'll do it for us at six o'clock.

843. From all of us here at Channel 4 News,

844. I'm Veronica Corningstone,

845. and thanks for stopping by, San Diego.

846. All clear.

847. - Yes! Yes!

848. - Lady, lady...

849. Not bad, Ms. Corningstone, not bad at all.

850. Thank you, Mr. Harken. That felt good. That felt really good.

851. I liked your sign-off line, too.

852. You did? It just came through me, it was so organic.

853. - Thank you.

854. - Ron! Ron!

855. Darling, I'm so glad you're all right.

856. I have something so magnificent to tell you...

857. I'm here, we can do the news now. It's all right, everyone.

858. We can do the news. Why are we all standing around? Let's go.

859. Ron, we just did it. Veronica filled in for you.

860. - What? - We were so worried about you,

861. and we waited as long as we could, but, darling, I did the news

862. and I nailed it. I nailed it!

863. Wait, Veronica, please tell me

864. this is some kind of sick, tasteless joke.

865. You weren't here. Why are you being this way?

866. Why can't you just be proud of me,

867. as a peer and as my gentleman lover?

868. - Oh, jeez. - I can't believe you did this to me.

869. - You read my news. - I told you I wanted to be an anchor.

870. - I told you that. - I thought you were kidding.

871. I thought it was a joke.

872. I even wrote it down in my diary.

873. "Veronica had a very funnyjoke today."

874. I laughed at it later that night.

875. I can't believe I cared for you.

876. Get out. Just go.

877. We are through. Through!

878. Because of your actions, you scorpion woman.

879. You have broken my heart, Mr. Burgundy.

880. You have broken my heart.

881. From there on out,

882. things just got worse for Ron Burgundy.

883. Corningstone was a star,

884. and everything started to move awfully fast

885. after her big break.

886. I just got a call from network.

887. It looks like our broadcast last night

888. received a two-point ratings boost,

889. and the decision has been passed down

890. to make Veronica our co-anchor.

891. - What? - No.

892. No!

893. This is so wonderful. Ed, come here, you big silly man!

894. - We did it. - What is this, amateur hour?

895. Damn it!

896. What Brian didn't tell you

897. was that those were not real pirates.

898. - They looked convincing, though. - Oh, yes.

899. Well, for all of us here at Channel 4 News, I'm Ron Burgundy.

900. You stay classy, San Diego.

901. And thanks for stopping by.

902. But mainly, stay classy.

903. - Thanks for stopping by. - Stay classy. I'm Ron Burgundy.

904. - Thanks for stopping by. - Stay classy. Ron Burgundy.

905. You are a real hooker, and I'm going to slap you in public.

906. You have man boobs.

907. You've got a dirty, whorish mouth. That's what you have.

908. I'm going to punch you in the ovary. A straight shot.

909. Ooh! Ow!

910. Right to the babymaker.

911. Jazz flute is for little fairy boys.

912. OK, you know what? That's uncalled for.

913. I can't work with this woman. That's terrible.

914. It's ringing.

915. Veronica Corningstone.

916. Hello, this is Mike Rithjin from the network.

917. You've just been promoted and you need to move to Moscow,

918. so start cleaning up your desk and we'll see you in the morning.

919. What did you say your name was?

920. Mike Rithnithin... It's not important.

921. Just start cleaning your desk. We'll pick you up in the morning.

922. - She might want to get a coat. - Hold on. Veronica?

923. - What was it? - Tell her she should get a coat.

924. Also, I don't know if you know Moscow,

925. it's pretty cold, you might wanna buy a coat.

926. - You and Champ having a good time? - Are we what?

927. I can see you, Ron.

928. - What? - I can see you.

929. OK. Bye-bye.

930. Shoot, she knew it was me.

931. You're watching Channel 4 News

932. with five-time Emmy-Award-winning anchor

933. Ron Burgundy and Tits McGee.

934. Good evening, San Diego. I'm Veronica Corningstone.

935. Tits McGee is on vacation.

936. And I'm Tits... I'm Ron Burgundy.

937. - Veronica Corningstone. - This is your doctor.

938. I have your pregnancy report here,

939. and guess what? You got knocked up,

940. so you should probably get out of the news.

941. - Who is this? - This is Dr. Chim.

942. Dr. Chim Richalds.

943. - Ron, is this you? - I'm a professional doctor.

944. - You saw me, you don't remember.

945. You should move.

946. - Get out of the business. - This is pathetic.

947. You're pathetic.

948. - What did she say? - She... I think she bought it.

949. She's looking this way.

950. - Oh! - Uh-oh!

951. We should...

952. I tell you what, it's just not working.

953. She's making us look like a bunch of fools.

954. - Helen, where's the party?

955. Children, grow up.

956. Son of a bee-sting, she's turning the entire office against us.

957. - This is grim. Real grim. - What are we going to do?

958. There's only one thing a man can do

959. when he's suffering from a spiritual and existential funk.

960. Go to the zoo, flip off the monkeys?

961. No, buy new suits.

962. Yay!

963. Where's the suit store? We've been walking for 45 minutes.

964. Brick, I thought this was a short cut.

965. - Fantastic. - Well, is it a short cut?

966. OK.

967. Jeez.

968. Hey!

969. Uh-oh!

970. Here comes trouble.

971. Burgundy and the ladies went out for a stroll, huh?

972. You boys go out walking around, talking things through?

973. - Keep a tight perimeter.

974. Yes, siree.

975. Well, well, well.

976. Ron Burgundy and the Channel 4 News team.

977. - Where's your mommy? - You back off, evening news team.

978. You know, I understand that, uh,

979. they had to bring a female in.

980. Change your diapers,

981. wipe the dribble away from your bubbling lips.

982. Rub Vaseline all over your heinie

983. and tell you that it's special and different from everyone else's.

984. He said "heinie."

985. - Brick, get back over here. - Heinie.

986. Does she tuck you in, Ronnie?

987. Give you a little kiss on your forehead,

988. tell you everything's gonna be OK?

989. I've had enough of you, Mantooth.

990. This is going to end right here, right now.

991. - Let's dance, dick weed. - You want to dance, Ronnie?

992. I want to polka.

993. Come get a taste.

994. - Where did you get a hand grenade? - I don't know.

995. All right, let's do this.

996. Hey!

997. If you're going to have a fight, don't forget Channel 2 News,

998. with me, lead anchor Frank Vitchard.

999. You dirtbags have been in third place for five years.

1000. Yeah? Well, you're about to be in dead place.

1001. Not so fast, you ingrates.

1002. Public News team is taking a break from its pledge drive to kick some ass.

1003. No commercials, no mercy.

1004. Cómo estan, bitches?

1005. Spanish Language News is here.

1006. Tonight's top story: the sewers run red

1007. with Burgundy's blood.

1008. - Yah! Yah!

1009. Well, looks like we got ourselves a bilingual bloodfest.

1010. Now before we do this, let's go over the ground rules.

1011. Rule number one:

1012. no touching of the hair or face.

1013. Of course.

1014. And that's it. Now let's do this.

1015. Begin.

1016. Oh, God!

1017. I'm gonna straight up murder your ass.

1018. Oh, God!

1019. I did not see that coming!

1020. Oh!

1021. - Now I'll be number one. - No, you won't.

1022. Boy, that escalated quickly.

1023. I mean that really got out of hand fast.

1024. - It jumped up a notch. - It did, didn't it?

1025. Yeah. I stabbed a man in the heart.

1026. I saw that. Brick killed a guy.

1027. Did you throw a trident?

1028. There were horses and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.

1029. I've been meaning to talk to you about that.

1030. Find yourself a safe house or a relative close by.

1031. Lay low, because you're probably wanted for murder.

1032. I'm proud of you. You all kept your head on a swivel

1033. and that's what you gotta do when you find yourself in a cock fight.

1034. Can you believe Mantooth and the Channel 9 Evening News Team?

1035. I mean, "Where's your mommy? Someone's gotta change your diapers."

1036. This Corningstone business is hurting our rep.

1037. I know exactly what you mean.

1038. Every news man in this city is laughing at us,

1039. and I don't like it.

1040. - I don't like the put-downs. - We're gonna do something about it.

1041. It is time to put an end to this.

1042. Last time I looked in the dictionary, my name is Ron Burgundy.

1043. - What's your name? - Brian Fantana.

1044. - Champ Kind. - Brian Fantana.

1045. No, you're Brick.

1046. - I'm Brian. - Brick.

1047. And I've shown you, old man...

1048. Garth, I need to look at these tapes for a potential lead.

1049. Ron's using the machine to play his

1050. Local Emmy acceptance speech from last year.

1051. I tried to ask her out.

1052. - Turn the music off! I'm still talking!

1053. - This is ridiculous. - I don't even remember doing this.

1054. Excuse me. What are you doing?

1055. I need to use this machine so I can watch a tape for a story.

1056. Well, I'm using the tape,

1057. I'm showing Jeffrey my Emmy tape.

1058. - We are watching history. - Mr. Burgundy, I'm a professional.

1059. I would like to be able to do my job.

1060. Well, big deal. I am very professional.

1061. Mr. Burgundy, you are acting like a baby.

1062. I'm not a baby, I'm a man.

1063. - I am an anchorman. - You are not a man.

1064. You are a big, fat joke.

1065. I'm a man who discovered the wheel

1066. and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn.

1067. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain.

1068. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.

1069. I will have you know

1070. that I have more talent and more intelligence in my little finger

1071. than you do in your entire body, sir.

1072. You are a smelly pirate hooker.

1073. - Oh! - You look like a blueberry.

1074. Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?

1075. - Oh! - Well, you have bad hair.

1076. What did you say?

1077. I said

1078. your hair looks stupid.

1079. - Let 'em work it out. - It's between the two of 'em.

1080. - Ron! - [man 2] Oh! Uh-oh!

1081. - Oh!

1082. They're just talking.

1083. - I hate you. - I hate you more.

1084. - Ow! Ow!

1085. All right, stop. Stop what you're doing right now.

1086. I will not have my news room be divided.

1087. - Ow!

1088. Knights of Columbus, that hurts.

1089. I was like, "Who was that guy?"

1090. I just can't believe what Ron did to you.

1091. It is so awful.

1092. Yes.

1093. Have you ever thought about

1094. fighting fire with fire?

1095. What do you mean?

1096. I have some information that you can choose to use.

1097. Or not use. Up to you.

1098. Ron Burgundy will read anything

1099. that is put on that teleprompter.

1100. And when I say anything, I mean anything.

1101. Arnold, cue one.

1102. After the FotoMat was destroyed,

1103. the bear scampered back into the woods.

1104. Apparently, he wasn't too happy with his color prints.

1105. From the entire Channel 4 News team, I'm Veronica Corningstone.

1106. And I'm Ron Burgundy.

1107. Go fuck yourself, San Diego.

1108. Ah!

1109. What in the name... No!

1110. Nobody talks about my city that way.

1111. Ron Burgundy's ass is grass!

1112. Nice work, everyone.

1113. Sharp broadcast, really good.

1114. Everyone on the floor, as well.

1115. A lot of hustle, I liked it.

1116. - Dump out.

1117. - Hello, Edward. - I've got to fire you.

1118. Well, I've got to fire you.

1119. You're fired, Ed.

1120. Do you even know what you just said?

1121. Oh!

1122. Great Odin's raven.

1123. Are you happy, Ron?

1124. Veronica put that in the teleprompter.

1125. You're probably right, but this is bad, real bad.

1126. My hands are tied.

1127. - I gotta fire you. - Let's hold on, let's count to ten.

1128. All right? That's a rash decision. OK?

1129. Is this about something else?

1130. There's 300 angry San Diegoites...

1131. San Diego-ins. San Diego-ans.

1132. - San Diegons. - San Diegans.

1133. San Diegans out in front of the station. They want Ron's blood.

1134. - They want to hurt you. - Why did you say that? Why?

1135. Why, Ron?

1136. - You're my hero, Ron... - Garth, I...

1137. and you come out with stink like that.

1138. Poop.

1139. You poop mouth. Poop out of your mouth.

1140. Garth, if I were to give you some money, would that ease the pain?

1141. I hate you, Ron Burgundy. I hate you!

1142. - Ron? - I can't believe you did this to me.

1143. - Are you happy? - No, Ron, I'm not!

1144. - I have nothing left! Nothing!

1145. I've been reduced to rubble!

1146. Ron?

1147. Come on, man, these people are about to tear you apart.

1148. - I have nothing! - Move!

1149. No!

1150. Mr. Burgundy, you should be ashamed of yourself.

1151. - Please... - You are an awful man.

1152. You are truly a disappointment to us all, Mr. Burgundy.

1153. Bob Dylan once wrote "The Times They Are A-Changin'."

1154. Ron Burgundy had never heard that song,

1155. so when he fell, he fell hard.

1156. It's Channel 4 News at six o'clock.

1157. Good evening, San Diego, I'm lead anchor Veronica Corningstone.

1158. Tonight's top story: an ultrasound of Ling Wong,

1159. the most famous panda in the world,

1160. - shows her baby is doing quite well. - No!

1161. Ron Burgundy, stay classy.

1162. Hello, this is Ron.

1163. Hello?

1164. Who's there? I'm talking. Hello?

1165. Who is this?

1166. Baxter, is that you?

1167. Baxter!

1168. Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee.

1169. Is this Wilt Chamberlain?

1170. Have the courage to say something.

1171. Hello!

1172. Hey, you watch yourself, mister.

1173. Hey, lady in the red hat, yeah.

1174. You smell.

1175. Guys. It's me, Ron.

1176. Fellas!

1177. - Harken will fire us if we talk to you. - What?

1178. - I'm sorry. - I... Brian!

1179. - It's Ronnie! - Ron!

1180. - Champ! - Ron!

1181. Champ? Come on.

1182. No, Brick! My sweet Brick.

1183. Brick, come hug me, I know you want to.

1184. I am completely miserable, San Diego.

1185. It's so damn hot.

1186. Milk was a bad choice.

1187. Yes... Chris, listen to me,

1188. put down the gun and let the marching band go.

1189. - We'll play it off as a prank.

1190. We'll straighten it out later. I'm getting another call.

1191. Ed Harken.

1192. What? Oh, my God!

1193. Listen, everybody, Ling Wong the panda is giving birth.

1194. Get Corningstone over there right away.

1195. The network is picking up the feed.

1196. I want a shot of that panda being born.

1197. This is Ted Nightingale, Channel 6 News Los Angeles from the San Diego Zoo

1198. and this is the moment the entire world has been waiting for.

1199. I can only speculate as to the sex of the panda,

1200. but if I had to guess, I'd say female.

1201. Excuse me. Press.

1202. Excuse me, I'm press. Thank you.

1203. - What have you got? - Nothing, all I can see is a curtain.

1204. Damn it.

1205. All right, you go over there and see if you can get a shot, I'll go this way.

1206. Hey, lady.

1207. Why don't you go fetch me a sandwich?

1208. OK, I'll get your sandwich.

1209. Then I'll show you the ratings where you're number two to a woman.

1210. Ouch. Don't lose any more hair over it.

1211. - Whatever. - We're live, Mr. Mantooth.

1212. Good afternoon, San Diego.

1213. We're here today to celebrate the birth of a panda.

1214. ♪ Sky rockets in flight

1215. Hey, nut job. Quit the singing.

1216. You're creeping out the regulars.

1217. I'm expressing my inner anguish through the majesty of song!

1218. Look, drunky, you've been coming in here every day

1219. stinking up the joint with your craziness.

1220. - What is wrong with you? - I've got no heart.

1221. Because a she-devil stole it.

1222. And you know what the worst part about it is?

1223. She's better than me.

1224. You know, times are changing.

1225. Ladies can do stuff now.

1226. And you're gonna have to learn how to deal with that.

1227. What? Were you saying something?

1228. Look, I don't speak Spanish.

1229. Scotty, I have the shot.

1230. Scotty! Scotty!

1231. Hey.

1232. That is some fantastic shot you got there.

1233. That's the kind of shot that gets you to the top of network news.

1234. Well, we hope.

1235. We at public television,

1236. we're really down with the woman's lib thing.

1237. You know that is so refreshing to me, because...

1238. Howie, got the shot.

1239. - Up a little. - You son of a bitch!

1240. Shh! You don't want to wake up your friends.

1241. Help.

1242. - She vanished. - How do you lose your lead anchor?

1243. - I can't find Corningstone. - Where the hell is she?

1244. - No one's seen her. - I can't believe this.

1245. Every news outlet in the world is looking for coverage on this.

1246. I've got no damn lead anchor.

1247. Damn it, get me a phone.

1248. I can't believe I'm about to do this.

1249. - Rocky's Bar, Grill, Fine Dining. - Is there an anchorman there?

1250. - Hold on. - This is killing me to do this.

1251. I'd rather slit my throat. Hello?

1252. - Hello? - Is this Ron?

1253. - Who is this? - It's me, Ed.

1254. - Who? - Ed Harken.

1255. - I don't know a Ned. - Ed Harken!

1256. Ed! Hello!

1257. Listen, Ron. Miss Corningstone disappeared

1258. in the midst of the biggest story of the year.

1259. We need you down here right away.

1260. Wait, Ed.

1261. Does this mean you're asking me to report the news again?

1262. - Yes. - That's wonderful, thank you!

1263. Hold on, I wanna just say a few words.

1264. You have always been a good friend.

1265. - Right. - Always.

1266. - Right.

1267. Get down here as quickly as you can.

1268. I'll be down there. And I'm going to look good.

1269. Good evening, I'm Ron Burgundy.

1270. Damn, that dude cleans up good.

1271. If I'm going to do this, I'll need my news team at my side.

1272. News team! Assemble!

1273. Ron, I'm coming!

1274. News team! Assemble!

1275. Hey, Ron.

1276. - What's up? - Oh. Hi.

1277. Didn't see you there.

1278. We've been here literally the entire time you have.

1279. I'm a little embarrassed.

1280. Look, I just got the call from Harken.

1281. He wants me back, but I can't do this without my news team.

1282. I don't know, that was half a lifetime ago. We're different people now.

1283. And when you left the hurt was so deep.

1284. - I don't know if I can do that again. - Think about what you're asking, man.

1285. Gentlemen...

1286. there was a time

1287. when you called me your lead anchor.

1288. Will you follow me again?

1289. I'm getting too old for this shit.

1290. To the news van.

1291. - To the news van. - OK!

1292. Well, I'll be. Ron Burgundy, he's back.

1293. All right, let's get a good position for the story.

1294. - How does the hair look? - You have hair like an angel.

1295. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

1296. Network talent scout. This is a hot one.

1297. I'm actually nervous.

1298. - Let's go get 'em.

1299. Wait. Did you just hear something?

1300. - Help.

1301. Veronica!

1302. - Help. - Are you OK?

1303. - Shh! - How did you get down there?

1304. Just go get someone, please.

1305. Hold on. Hold on!

1306. Oh, my God! We've got to do something.

1307. Whoa, Ron, I don't want to sound cruel, but...

1308. There's a network talent scout here.

1309. This is a tough decision.

1310. So much to think about.

1311. Basically the biggest story of my career

1312. launching me to a level I've never known before,

1313. or saving the woman

1314. I used to have familiar relations with.

1315. This is hard. I am in a pickle.

1316. I know it sounds harsh,

1317. but God does not want her to live.

1318. No, hold on.

1319. It's clear now.

1320. We go into the bear pit.

1321. No, Ron, don't.

1322. I immediately regret this decision.

1323. What are you doing? Why didn't you get help?

1324. These bears are massive.

1325. They looked a lot smaller from up there.

1326. Fan out, let's go find Harken.

1327. Stay.

1328. It's all right. I think it's all right, my sweet chinchilla.

1329. Ron, in case we die here today,

1330. there's something you should know.

1331. That dirty trick with the teleprompter, it wasn't my...

1332. Sweet Eli Whitney's nose! It wasn't you, was it?

1333. It was Wes Mantooth. I should have known.

1334. No. No, I did it.

1335. - You bitch! - Shh!

1336. You woke the bears. Why did you do that?

1337. I knew it! There's somebody in the bear pit.

1338. It took my impending death

1339. for me to realize how much I need you.

1340. Oh, Ron!

1341. Those bears are gonna hurt them.

1342. News team, let's hunt.

1343. News team!

1344. Bear fight!

1345. Hit them in the uvula.

1346. Hey, I'm riding a furry tractor.

1347. The bears have descended on the news team

1348. and it's not going well. Clearly after today, I will...

1349. Come on! Oh, God!

1350. This is getting to be ri-god-damn-diculous!

1351. Oh, no. We woke up the momma.

1352. I don't want to die.

1353. Ron!

1354. Baxter!

1355. Leave these people alone.

1356. They mean you no harm.

1357. We Bears are a proud race. They must pay for their intrusion.

1358. In my travels I met one of your kind.

1359. His name was Katow-jo.

1360. We became friends.

1361. Katow-jo is my cousin.

1362. Go in peace.

1363. I will tell tales of your compassion.

1364. Fare thee well, Baxter. You shall always be friend of the bears.

1365. Look, they're following their mother.

1366. It's instinct.

1367. - Oh, Baxter! - Oh!

1368. Oh, Baxter! You're still alive. I'm so happy.

1369. I'm so happy! You are alive!

1370. I'm so happy!

1371. I wanna lick you! I will lick you in front of everyone

1372. to show myjoy.

1373. Boy, he really likes that dog.

1374. Burgundy! Burgundy! Burgundy!

1375. - Hi, Ron.

1376. - It's always a long fall from the top. - Easy, Wes.

1377. I've been waiting to say this to you for a long time.

1378. - All right. - Deep down in my stomach,

1379. with every inch of me,

1380. I pure, straight hate you.

1381. But, goddamn it, do I respect you.

1382. Thank you, brother.

1383. Burgundy! Burgundy!

1384. Today we spell redemption R-O-N.

1385. Ron, I think you've got a story to report.

1386. Are you sure, Ed?

1387. Do it.

1388. It's the story you were born to tell.

1389. San Diego's waiting, go get 'em.

1390. Make way. Ron Burgundy's about to report on pandas.

1391. - Count me down. Three? - You're live, Mr. Burgundy.

1392. This is Ron Burgundy,

1393. proudly reporting once again for Channel 4 News.

1394. Today's story is one of the more remarkable things

1395. ever to happen to San Diago.

1396. Or even the world.

1397. But in order to properly retell it,

1398. I'm going to need some help

1399. from my co-anchor,

1400. Miss Veronica Corningstone.

1401. - High pressure system... - No, Brick.

1402. - A high pressure system. - Go stand over there.

1403. Oh, Ron.

1404. There are literally thousands of men that I should be with instead,

1405. but I am 72 percent sure that I love you.

1406. Yes, redemption was sweet for Ron Burgundy.

1407. Yes! Ron!

1408. - As for the news team... - Stop it.

1409. Champ Kind went on to be a commentator for the NFL,

1410. but was fired after being accused of sexual harassment

1411. by Terry Bradshaw.

1412. Excuse me,

1413. is that Sex Panther you're wearing?

1414. Brian Fantana went on to have great success

1415. as the host of the hit reality TV show

1416. Intercourse Island on the Fox Network.

1417. Anyone seen Brick?

1418. - Oh, that tickles. - Brick!

1419. That tickles me, come on.

1420. Brick Tamland is married with 11 children

1421. and is one of the top political advisors to the Bush White House.

1422. I'm gonna get you!

1423. Hey! Is she going to live with us?

1424. Because I am NOT cool with that.

1425. And Ron and Veronica didn't stay in San Diego long.

1426. I chose them as my replacement

1427. and they became the first mixed-gender network news team.

1428. And they're still doing it today.

1429. From all of us at the World News Center, I'm Veronica Corningstone.

1430. And I'm Ron Burgundy.

1431. You stay classy, Planet Earth.

1432. Oh! Great Odin's raven!

1433. By the hammer of Thor!

1434. Saint Damien's beard!

1435. Sweet grandmother's spatula!

1436. Hot pot of coffee!

1437. Uncle Jonathan's corn-cob pipe!

1438. I'm going to shoot you with a BB gun when you're not looking.

1439. - In the back of the head. - I'm sorry.

1440. You're not very bright. You're actually quite a dullard.

1441. And everyone here knows it.

1442. Well, if I'm a dullard, you're the...

1443. - ... the dull... - Oh!

1444. - Can't think of anything to say. - Yes, I can.

1445. I can think of a lot of things to say. Like you're a dirty bitch.

1446. Well, Ron, I'm going to put poison...

1447. I drank a lava lamp. It wasn't lava.

1448. I ate a whole bunch of fiberglass insulation.

1449. It wasn't cotton candy like that guy said.

1450. My stomach's itchy.

1451. I pooped a hammer. I pooped a tape recorder.

1452. I pooped a Cornish game hen.

1453. Nope.

1454. Do not take a tone with me

1455. 'cause I will give you a rap right on the Jack Johnson.

1456. - OK. - Yes.

1457. - Now this is happening. - What are you doing?

1458. I guess we'll go back to doing what I do best: show off.

1459. When do we get started?

1460. - When do we get started? - That's my line.

1461. That's my line. You say "Whenever you like."

1462. - Whenever you like.

1463. Keep it rolling, this is good stuff.

1464. area bank robbery in a daring early-morning...

1465. It's probably not the same one. Probably not the same guy.

1466. Are you still having your celebrity golf tournament this summer?

1467. No, too many people died last year, so we're not...

1468. Sorry.

1469. They named it San Diego,

1470. which in German means, "a whale's vagina."

1471. This is the most ridiculous thing ever.

1472. Way to handle it, Ron, that was nice.

1473. - Sure is good to be number one. - Beats the hell out of number two.

1474. We are laughing.

1475. And we are very good friends.

1476. Good buddies sharing a special moment.

1477. Don't say anything, just let it happen.

1478. Laughing, enjoying our friendship.

1479. And some day we'll look back on this with much fondness.

1480. Yeah.

1481. - Yeah.

1482. Cannonball!

1483. Yes, these fellas were a real news team.

1484. Burgundy, of course, was the foundation, the rock,

1485. but each member brought their own special something to the equation.

1486. People call me the Bri-Man. I'm the stylish one of the group.

1487. I know what you're asking yourself

1488. and the answer is yes, I have a nickname for my penis.

1489. It's called the Octagon.

1490. But I also nicknamed my testes. My left one is James Westfall,

1491. and my right one is Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

1492. You ladies play your cards right, you might get to meet the whole gang.

1493. Back booth at Charlie Lancer's every Friday night.

1494. Champ, here. I'm all about having fun.

1495. Get a couple of cocktails in me, start a fire in someone's kitchen,

1496. maybe go to SeaWorld, take my pants off.

1497. Anyway, I've become kind of famous

1498. for my signature catchphrase "Whammy!"

1499. As in "Gene Tenace at the plate,

1500. and... whammy!"

1501. Whammy!

1502. I'm Brick Tamland.

1503. People seem to like me because I'm polite and rarely late.

1504. I like to eat ice cream,

1505. and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks.

1506. Years later, a doctor will tell me

1507. that I have an IQ of 48,

1508. and am what some people call "mentally retarded."

1509. Hello.

1510. - Woo! Marco! - Polo!

1511. - Having a good time? - I'm having a great time.

1512. That makes two of us.

1513. You gotta meet this girl.

1514. She was a Charger cheerleader, but broke her pelvis.

1515. Sherri, meet Ron Burgundy.

1516. - Hey, Ron. - Hello.

1517. I've got a big story for you. And it's right here.

1518. Well, hello.

1519. You pointed to your boobies.

1520. Oh, my God, you did.

1521. - Ron Burgundy? - Yes?

1522. I've had a crush on you since I was a little girl.

1523. - Let's go somewhere. - It don't get no better than this.

1524. We've been coming to the same party for 12 years,

1525. and in no way is that depressing.

1526. By the beard of Zeus.

1527. Excuse me.

1528. Where are you going? What, are you crazy? Ron!

1529. "You're coming down the base line, gotta take home plate from me."

1530. So there I go, head first...

1531. I've lost her.

1532. Whoa!

1533. Hello.

1534. Hope I'm not disturbing you, but...

1535. I saw you from across the party and...

1536. I don't usually do this, but I felt compelled to tell you something.

1537. You have an absolutely

1538. breathtaking heinie.

1539. I mean, that thing is good.

1540. I want to be friends with it.

1541. Well, you certainly know how to compliment a woman.

1542. Now if you'll excuse me.

1543. Do you know who I am?

1544. No, I can't say that I do.

1545. I don't know how to put this,

1546. but I'm kind of a big deal.

1547. Really?

1548. People know me.

1549. - I'm very happy for you. - I'm very important.

1550. I have many leather-bound books.

1551. And my apartment smells

1552. of rich mahogany.

1553. I'm friends with Merlin Olsen, too. He comes over...

1554. on occasion.

1555. I mean... That's stupid.

1556. No, that's very exciting.

1557. Listen, can I start over again?

1558. Sure.

1559. I wanna say something.

1560. I wanna put it out there.

1561. If you like it, you can take it. If you don't, send it right back.

1562. I wanna be on you.

1563. Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

1564. I...

1565. I wanna be on you.

1566. Yoo-hoo!

1567. Baxter?

1568. Papa's home. There he is, there's my little man.

1569. You're OK?

1570. Of course I met a lady tonight.

1571. This one was different, I have to be honest.

1572. That was one crazy party.

1573. I am hung-over.

1574. Tell me about it.

1575. I woke up this morning

1576. and I shit a squirrel.

1577. I mean it, literally.

1578. Hell of it is, damn thing's still alive.

1579. So I got this shit-covered squirrel down there in the office.

1580. Don't know what to name it.

1581. I'm sorry, Champ.

1582. I think I ate your chocolate squirrel.

1583. All right, guys, let's focus up.

1584. Morning, everyone.

1585. Here are the stories we'll be chasing today.

1586. No, of course not.

1587. - Strictly professional. - Wonderful.

1588. Great.

1589. So I pick you up... 8:00?

1590. Nine.

1591. Downstairs?

1592. Mr. Burgundy, you have a massive erection.

1593. Really?

1594. Yes, I do. Um...

1595. I'm sorry. It's...

1596. It's the pleats.

1597. It's actually an optical illusion. It's the pattern on the pants.

1598. It's not flattering in the crotchal region.

1599. I'm actually taking them back right now, taking them back to the...

1600. the pants store.

1601. This is awkward.

1602. I'm gonna walk... I'm gonna walk this situation off.

1603. I will see you later.

1604. Nothing to look at. Go back to work, everyone.

1605. Don't act like you're not impressed.

1606. Do not look at me right now. Walking around the office.

1607. I'm going to walk.

1608. I have a situation right now I'm trying to walk off.

1609. OK, and Veronica Corningstone,

1610. she's just dying to quit her job

1611. so that she can take care of me and have babies.

1612. Hey, gang.

1613. Papa's home.

1614. Honey, I am so glad you're home.

1615. My alabaster doll.

1616. Gentlemen.

1617. You look great. No eye contact!

1618. Oh, darling!

1619. I've spent all day cleaning your Emmys

1620. and preparing dinner in the nude.

1621. Oh! Let's make whoopee,

1622. and then I'm gonna go drinking with the news team for two days.

1623. Wonderful. Wonderful!

1624. - Ow! Yes! Ow!

1625. - Bite it! Bite it! - I'm gonna bite it!

1626. Yes.

1627. - You are a bad boy. - I'm bad.

1628. I need to go to the principal's office.

1629. I love my life!

1630. It looks like our broadcast last night

1631. received a two-point ratings boost,

1632. and the decision has been passed down

1633. to make Veronica our co-anchor.

1634. - What? - No.

1635. No!

1636. This is so wonderful. Ed, come here, you big silly man!

1637. - We did it. - What is this, amateur hour?

1638. Damn it!

1639. What Brian didn't tell you

1640. was that those were not real pirates.

1641. - They looked convincing, though. - Oh, yes.

1642. Well, for all of us here at Channel 4 News, I'm Ron Burgundy.

1643. You stay classy, San Diego.

1644. And thanks for stopping by.

1645. But mainly, stay classy.

1646. - Thanks for stopping by. - Stay classy. I'm Ron Burgundy.

1647. - Thanks for stopping by. - Stay classy. Ron Burgundy.

1648. You are a real hooker, and I'm going to slap you in public.

1649. You have way too much pubic hair.

1650. That's a point of pride.

1651. I'm very proud of my mane of pubic hair. Thank you.

1652. You have man boobs.

1653. You've got a dirty, whorish mouth. That's what you have.

1654. I'm going to punch you in the ovary. A straight shot.

1655. Ooh! Ow!

1656. Right to the babymaker.

1657. Jazz flute is for little fairy boys.

1658. OK, you know what? That's uncalled for.

1659. I can't work with this woman. That's terrible.

1660. - Ron? - I can't believe you did this to me.

1661. - Are you happy? - No, Ron, I'm not!

1662. It was supposed to be a joke!

1663. I mean, it's still kind of funny, but it's not.

1664. I have nothing left! Nothing! I've been reduced to rubble!

1665. Don't you know I would never say the word "fuck."

1666. I would never fuckin' ever fuckin' say that! Ever!

1667. Come on, these people are about to pull you apart.

1668. I'm sorry! Get your hands off him, you bastards!

1669. Don't you know I would never say "fuck"?

1670. - Fuck! - Let's move!

1671. No!

1672. Mr. Burgundy, you should be ashamed of yourself.

1673. - Please... - You are an awful man.

1674. You are truly a disappointment to us all, Mr. Burgundy.

1675. Bob Dylan once wrote "The Times They Are A-Changin'."

1676. Ron Burgundy had never heard that song,

1677. so when he fell, he fell hard.

1678. It's Channel 4 News at six o'clock.

1679. Hello, this is Ron.

1680. Hello?

1681. Who's there? I'm talking. Hello?

1682. Who is this?

1683. Baxter, is that you?

1684. Baxter!

1685. Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee.

1686. Is this Wilt Chamberlain?

1687. Have the courage to say something.

1688. Hello!

1689. Oh, Tino, thank you. Thank you for letting me come in here.

1690. - I'm glad I can still get a good meal. - Yeah, sure.

1691. Here you are, Mr. Burgundy. The chef made this special for you.

1692. You eat that, for the way you talk about my city!

1693. I will not eat that!

1694. You are going to eat that cat poop!

1695. I will not eat cat poop.

1696. - You will eat cat poop! - Ron Burgundy says no!

1697. You make a fool of me and everyone here.

1698. You put that cat poop in your mouth.

1699. - No! - Yes.

1700. No!

1701. - I will not eat cat poop! - You will do it immediately.

1702. - No! - You will!

1703. - Fine, I'll try to eat one... - Yeah, get in there.

1704. If I take one bite, will you get me a steak?

1705. If I take one bite of shit, will you bring me a steak?

1706. I'll think about it.

1707. Yeah, get in there. You see.

1708. - Yeah. - Oh, please. I am so hungry.

1709. - There. - Oh, God!

1710. A steak, a big steak for him, please.

1711. No! I had one bite.

1712. - That's not enough. - Son of a bitch!

1713. - Like this, you take it like this.

1714. Don't cry, don't cry.

1715. He's not crying, he's not crying. Don't cry in my...

1716. - I'll eat the shit! I don't care. - Don't cry, please.

1717. - I'll eat the entire hunk of shit. - OK.

1718. Let's finish it up. Don't you feel better now?

1719. Hey, you watch yourself, mister.

1720. Hey, lady in the red hat, yeah.

1721. You smell.

1722. Guys. It's me, Ron.

1723. Fellas!

1724. - Harken will fire us if we talk to you. - What?

1725. - I'm sorry. - I... Brian!

1726. - It's Ronnie! - Ron!

1727. - Champ! - Ron!

1728. Champ? Come on.

1729. No, Brick! My sweet Brick.

1730. Brick, come hug me, I know you want to.

1731. I am completely miserable, San Diego.

1732. It's so damn hot.

1733. Milk was a bad choice.