Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)

1. There was a time, a time before cable,

2. when the local anchorman reigned supreme,

3. when people believed everything they heard on TV.

4. This was an age when only men were allowed to read the news.

5. And in San Diego, one anchorman was more man than the rest.

6. His name was Ron Burgundy.

7. He was like a god walking amongst mere mortals.

8. He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr,

9. and suits so fine

10. they made Sinatra look like a hobo.

11. In other words, Ron Burgundy was the balls.

12. Mmm. I look good.

13. I mean, really good.

14. Hey, everyone! Come and see how good I look!

15. Mm, ehh, mm.

16. Ribs. I had ribs for lunch. That's why I'm doing this.

17. How now brown cow. How now brown cow.

18. How now brown cow.

19. How are you? You look awfully nice tonight. Hmm?

20. Maybe don't wear a bra next time.

21. No, I was talking to you. No, not her.

22. I don't know her name. What is it?

23. Lanolin?

24. La-lanolin? Like sheep's wool?

25. Unique New York.

26. Unique New York.

27. Mm, I love Scotch.

28. I love Scotch. Scotchy, Scotch, Scotch.

29. Here it goes down.

30. Down into my belly. Mm-mm-mm.

31. The arsonist has oddly shaped feet.

32. How much time? 30? 30 seconds?

33. - Man: You are on. - I'm on right now?

34. I don't believe you.

35. Oh, come on. Audrey.

36. I look like hell. I got bags under my eyes.

37. What's that? If you were a man,

38. I'd punch you right in the mouth.

39. That's bush. Bush league.

40. The human torch was denied a bank loan.

41. You hear me? Audrey, look at me!

42. I'm sorry.

43. All right? I'm sorry.

44. Ha ha! Ha ha ha ho!

45. Ha ha ho.

46. Ha oh!

47. All right, we're on.

48. Ready, Phil.

49. We're on in five, four...

50. When the clock struck 6:00,

51. it meant one thing for Ron Burgundy

52. and his news team: Go time.

53. Channel 4 News,

54. Channel 4 News,

55. with five-time Emmy award-winning anchor

56. Ron Burgundy.

57. Champ Kind, sports.

58. Ooh! Hoo-hoo!

59. Brick Tamland, weather.

60. And your reporter in the field, Brian Fantana.

61. It's Channel 4 News at 6:00.

62. Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy,

63. and this is what's happening in your world tonight.

64. A La Jolla man clings to life at a university hospital

65. after being viciously attacked by a pack of wild dogs

66. in an abandoned pool.

67. Hey, everybody! Shut the hell up! Ron Burgundy's on!

68. Authorities are still uncertain as to why the man

69. - was loitering... - Ron Burgundy.

70. Oh, my gosh! She said her first words!

71. Right now it's 82' in our fair city,

72. and compare that to 48' in the upper Northwest

73. and 38' in the Middle East.

74. Off the coast of Tampa Bay yesterday,

75. one lucky cameraman happened to catch

76. an unusual aquatic daredevil.

77. What you're about to see is a Channel 4 News exclusive.

78. His name is Nutty the Squirrel,

79. and he's three years old.

80. How 'bout that?

81. That squirrel can water-ski.

82. - Man, that's hilarious. - Yeah, that's good.

83. For all of us here at News Center 4,

84. I'm Ron Burgundy.

85. You stay classy, San Diego.

86. You stay classy, San Diego.

87. Listen up. The ratings just came in for last month.

88. We are number one. We just grabbed every key demographic.

89. - Super-duper, gang! - Yeah! Yeah!

90. Super-duper! That's nice!

91. Way to go! Neat-o, gang.

92. - Brian: Yes! - Ron: Boy, Ed.

93. That is good news. I gotta be honest.

94. - Congrats, congrats. - That is good news!

95. - Brian: All right! - Stick around.

96. Make sure these guys don't party too much.

97. - They don't really ever listen to me. - Just get it done.

98. Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention?

99. Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention?

100. I've just been handed an urgent

101. and horrifying news story.

102. I need all of you to stop what you're doing

103. and listen.

104. Cannonball!

105. Yes, these fellas were a real news team.

106. Burgundy, of course, was the foundation, the rock.

107. But each member brought their own special something to the equation.

108. People call me the Bri-man.

109. I'm the stylish one of the group.

110. I know what you're asking yourself,

111. and the answer is yes, I have a nickname for my penis.

112. It's called the Octagon.

113. But I also nicknamed my testes.

114. My left one is James Westfall,

115. and my right one is Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

116. You ladies play your cards right, you might get to meet the whole gang.

117. Bang, boom, they were showing lasers

118. every Friday night.

119. Champ here. I'm all about havin' fun.

120. You know, get a couple of cocktails in me,

121. start a fire in someone's kitchen.

122. Maybe go to SeaWorld, take my pants off.

123. Anyway, I've become kind of famous

124. for my signature catchphrase, "Whammy!"

125. As in, "Gene Tenace at the plate...

126. and whammy!"

127. Whammy!

128. I'm Brick Tamland.

129. People seem to like me because I am polite

130. and I'm rarely late.

131. I like to eat ice cream,

132. and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks.

133. Years later, a doctor will tell me

134. that I have an lQ of 48

135. and am what some people call

136. "mentally retarded."

137. Hello!

138. - Whoo! Marco! - Polo!

139. - Brian. - You having a good time?

140. - I'm having a great time. - That makes two of us.

141. You've gotta meet this girl.

142. She used to be a Charger cheerleader, but she broke her pelvis.

143. Sherri, meet Ron Burgundy.

144. - Hey, Ron. - Hello.

145. - I've got a big story for you. - Mm-hmm.

146. And it's right here.

147. Well, hello.

148. You pointed to your boobies.

149. Oh, my God, you did!

150. - Ron Burgundy? - Yes?

151. I have had a crush on you since I was a little girl.

152. Let's go somewhere.

153. I'm telling you, it don't get no better than this.

154. We've been coming to the same party for 12 years,

155. and in no way is that depressing.

156. Ahh.

157. By the beard of Zeus!

158. Excuse me.

159. Ron, where you going? What, are you crazy? Ron!

160. If you're coming down the baseline, you gotta take home plate from me!

161. So there I go, head first, boom!

162. I've lost her.

163. Ohh.

164. Hello.

165. Hello.

166. Hope I'm not disturbing you, but, uh,

167. I saw you from across the party, and, uh,

168. I don't usually do this, but I felt compelled to tell you something.

169. You have...

170. an absolutely breathtaking...

171. heinie.

172. I mean, that thing is good.

173. I want to be friends with it.

174. Well, you certainly know how to compliment a woman.

175. Now, if you'll excuse me.

176. Do you know who I am?

177. No, I can't say that I do.

178. I don't know how to put this,

179. but I'm kind of a big deal.

180. Really?

181. People know me.

182. I've very happy for you.

183. I'm very important.

184. I have...

185. many leather-bound books,

186. and my apartment

187. smells of rich mahogany.

188. I— I'm friends with Merlin Olsen, too.

189. He comes over on occasion.

190. That's stupid.

191. No, no, that's... very exciting.

192. Listen, can l—

193. can I start over again?

194. Sure.

195. I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there.

196. If you like it, you can take it.

197. If you don't, send it right back.

198. Mm-hmm.

199. I wanna be on you.

200. Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

201. I—

202. I wanna be on you.

203. Yoo-hoo!

204. Baxter!

205. Papa's home.

206. There he is. There's my little man.

207. - You're okay?

208. Of course I met a lady tonight.

209. This one was different. I have to be honest.

210. Quite different.

211. - What—

212. I'm lonely? I'm not lonely!

213. I'm beloved by everyone in San Diego.

214. Wow.

215. You know how to cut to the core of me, Baxter.

216. - You're so wise.

217. You're like a miniature Buddha

218. covered in hair.

219. - Come again?

220. You know I don't speak Spanish. In English, please.

221. - Huh?

222. - You pooped in the refrigerator?

223. - And you ate a whole wheel of cheese?

224. How'd you do that?

225. I'm not even mad. That's amazing.

226. I forgive you.

227. What do you say we get you in your pj's and hit the hay?

228. Bedtime. Okay, come on. Let's go. Come on.

229. Oh, that was one crazy party.

230. I am hung over.

231. Tell me about it.

232. I woke up this morning

233. and I shit a squirrel.

234. I mean it. Literally.

235. Hell of it is, damn thing's still alive.

236. So I got this shit-covered squirrel

237. down there in the office.

238. Don't know what to name it.

239. I'm sorry, Champ.

240. I think I ate your chocolate squirrel.

241. All right, guys. Let's focus up.

242. Morning, everyone.

243. Here are the stories we're going to be chasing today.

244. It looks like Ling Wong,

245. the rare panda at the San Diego Zoo, is pregnant.

246. This is a big one.

247. This could be the big story of the summer.

248. Network is gonna be wanting plenty of coverage.

249. And speaking of network, word on the street is

250. they're looking for a new anchor.

251. - So, Ron... - Huh? Network?

252. Are they here?

253. A lot of you have been hearing the affiliates complaining

254. about a lack of diversity on the news team.

255. What in the hell's diversity?

256. Well, I could be wrong,

257. but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship

258. that was used during the Civil War era.

259. I would be surprised if the affiliates were concerned

260. about the lack of an old wooden ship,

261. but nice try.

262. Diversity means that times are changing,

263. and with that in mind—

264. - Ron, are you paying attention? - Nope.

265. - This concerns all of us. - Okay.

266. Keeping that in mind, I'd like to introduce the latest addition

267. to the KVWN News Team,

268. directly from WYPN

269. in Asheville, North Carolina,

270. Ms. Veronica Corningstone.

271. - Oh! - I just want you all to know

272. that I look forward to contributing

273. to this news station's already sterling reputation.

274. I mean, come on, Ed! It's bullcrap!

275. Don't get me wrong. I love the ladies.

276. They rev my engine, but they don't belong in the newsroom!

277. It is anchorman, not anchorlady!

278. - And that is a scientific fact! - Brian: Uh-huh.

279. I don't know what we're yelling about!

280. Ron, what do you think?

281. She— sh— it's terrible!

282. She has beautiful eyes, and her hair smells like cinnamon!

283. Mm-hmm.

284. Loud noises!

285. All right, everyone relax. She's not gonna take anyone's airtime.

286. I read somewhere that their periods attract bears.

287. Bears can smell the menstruation.

288. Well, that's just great. You hear that, Ed?

289. Bears. Now you're putting the whole station in jeopardy.

290. I will say one thing for her, Ed,

291. she does have a nice, big old behind.

292. I'd like to put some barbecue sauce on that butt

293. and just bite, bite, bite, bite, munch, munch, munch!

294. - Ah-whoo! - Stop it! Oh, Jeez.

295. Look at the full-moon butt!

296. Champ! Champ! Champ, Champ!

297. Mr. Harken, I was just wondering

298. if you knew when my office would be ready.

299. Well, that might take some time.

300. For now, why don't you just grab a desk in the bullpen?

301. You can use my office! Then afterwards maybe we can go to lunch!

302. Lower your voice, Ron.

303. Mm-hmm!

304. All right. Thank you, Mr. Harken.

305. I'll go get my desk set up.

306. Oh, she is a saucy mama! I mean, I would...

307. Here we go again.

308. Every station it's the same.

309. Women ask me how I put up with it.

310. Well, the truth is, I don't really have a choice.

311. This is definitely a man's world.

312. But while they're laughing and grab-assing,

313. I'm chasing down leads

314. and practicing my nonregional diction.

315. Because the only way to win is to be the best.

316. The very best.

317. Touchy situation.

318. I think the best thing to do with this Corningstone,

319. to keep her in line, is bed her quick.

320. Oh, that behind is driving me loco!

321. I'm like a night wolf.

322. Guys, take it easy. Just take it easy!

323. - She's got feelings, too. - Oh, my God!

324. Listen to Burgundy.

325. He's gone soft on us, like some schoolboy bitch.

326. You sound like a gay.

327. Hey! Come on!

328. It's me, Papa Burgundy, all right?

329. As far as I'm concerned, Corningstone's fair game.

330. Huh? Let the games begin!

331. Hi-ohhh!

332. There he is. There he is.

333. I'm very aroused.

334. What's this?

335. Well, well, well.

336. Ron Burgundy and the Channel 4 News Team.

337. Hello, Wes Mantooth.

338. Hello, Evening News Team.

339. Nice clothes, gentlemen.

340. I didn't know the Salvation Army was having a sale.

341. Am I right? Look at these guys.

342. Hey, where did you get those clothes?

343. At the toilet store?

344. What are you doing on our station's turf, Burgundy?

345. You're about to get a serious beat-down.

346. I will smash your face into a car windshield

347. and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth,

348. out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!

349. Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! You understand me?

350. - Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! - Ron: Hey.

351. Leave the mothers out of this, all right?

352. It's unnecessary.

353. Besides, I'm sure Wes here

354. is just upset over finishing second in the ratings again.

355. Ooh!

356. That's completely uncalled for, Burgundy.

357. You know those rating systems are flawed.

358. They don't take into account houses that have

359. more than two television sets and other things of that nature.

360. I guess I have to take you at your word,

361. Number Two.

362. You have a great day, fellas.

363. We'll see you around the bend.

364. Son of a bitch!

365. Excusez-moi, Numero Two.

366. Hey, Burgundy.

367. You know those sample audiences aren't big enough!

368. Stop hiding behind those phony numbers, Burgundy! I'm coming after you!

369. I hate you, Ron Burgundy. I hate you!

370. You can't say one word?

371. Even the guy who can't think says something!

372. You guys just stand there? Come on!

373. Right, but I think my son is just going through a phase.

374. I have no idea where

375. he would have gotten ahold of German pornography.

376. But you and l are mature adults.

377. We've both seen our share of pornographic materials.

378. Oh, you never have?

379. Of course you haven't, how stupid of me. Neither have l.

380. I was just speaking in generalities.

381. I'll stop by the school a little later, Sister Margaret. Bye.

382. Ed, she insisted on coming in.

383. Mr. Harken, sir,

384. I will not have my first story at this news station

385. be about a cat fashion show.

386. Miss Corningstone, ma'am,

387. you will do the stories to which you are assigned.

388. Mr. Harken, I am a damn good journalist,

389. and this cat show thing is grade-A baloney.

390. It is not baloney. Now, go do your job, missy!

391. It is baloney!

392. Hey, Ron,

393. I'm gonna take a run at the new girl.

394. Let the games begin.

395. Oh, Champ, Champ, we're not really gonna actually do that.

396. - We were just flapping our gums. - Oh, yeah.

397. You kill me, Burgundy.

398. Let me just grab this. Oh, sorry about that.

399. - Whammy. - Hmm.

400. - Uh, Champ? - Yeah.

401. You're trying to touch my breasts, aren't you?

402. What can I say? I like the way you're put together.

403. What do you say we go out on a date?

404. Have some chicken, maybe some sex.

405. You know, see what happens?

406. Oh, let me get this over here.

407. - Sorry.

408. Oh, there it is.

409. I'll give this little cookie an hour

410. before we're doing the no-pants dance.

411. - Time to musk up.

412. Wow.

413. It never ceases to amaze me.

414. What cologne you gonna go with?

415. London Gentleman, or—

416. wait. No, no, no. Hold on.

417. Blackbeard's Delight.

418. No, she gets a special cologne.

419. It's called Sex Panther by Odeon.

420. - It's illegal in nine countries.

421. Yep, it's made with bits of real panther.

422. - So you know it's good. - It's quite pungent.

423. Oh yeah.

424. It's a formidable scent.

425. It stings the nostrils.

426. - In a good way. - Yep.

427. I'll be honest with you. That smells like pure gasoline.

428. They've done studies, you know.

429. 60% of the time, it works every time.

430. That doesn't make sense.

431. Well...

432. let's go see if we can make this little kitty purr.

433. Hey, sweet cheeks. Got an invite I'd like to extend your way.

434. My God.

435. What is that smell?

436. - Oh!

437. That's the smell of desire, milady.

438. God, no, it smells like—

439. like a used diaper filled with lndian food.

440. Oh! Excuse me.

441. Desire smells like that to some people.

442. What is that? Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair!

443. It smells like Bigfoot's dick!

444. - Oh.

445. Oh, hell, that's rank!

446. Oh, what's that smell?

447. This is worse than the time the raccoon got in the copier.

448. Yeah.

449. It's very distracting.

450. - When we get to the pet shop— - Cough!

451. Look over here.

452. Excuse me, Veronica.

453. Yes, what is it, Brick?

454. I would like to extend to you

455. an invitation to the pants party.

456. Excuse me?

457. The party. The pants—

458. With the pants. Party with pants?

459. Brick, are you saying

460. that there's a party in your pants and I'm invited?

461. That's it.

462. Hmm. Did Brian tell you to say this, Brick?

463. No— yes, he did.

464. Okay. No, I don't want to go to a party in your pants.

465. Very well. Ian?

466. Would you like to go to a party in my pants?

467. No, Brick.

468. All right. Let's go!

469. - All right, now...

470. I'm telling you, she is a real ball-buster.

471. A real ice queen.

472. Mm. I just burned my tongue.

473. The only way to bag a classy lady

474. is to give her two tickets to the gun show...

475. and see if she likes the goods.

476. 1,001.

477. 1,002.

478. - Uh, Mr. Burgundy? - 1,003.

479. Helen said that you needed to see me?

480. Oh, Miss Corningstone.

481. I wasn't expecting company.

482. Just doing my workout.

483. Tuesday's arms and back.

484. - You asked me to come by, sir. - Oh, did l?

485. Yes.

486. Oh, it's the deep burn!

487. Oh, it's so deep.

488. I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many.

489. I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over 1,000.

490. You have your ubulus muscle

491. that connects to the upper dorsinus.

492. It's boring, but it's part of my life.

493. I'm just gonna grab this shirt, if you don't mind.

494. Just watch out for the guns. They'll get you.

495. You are pathetic.

496. This has to be the feeblest

497. pickup attempt that I have ever encountered.

498. I expected it from the rest of them, Mr. Burgundy, but not from you.

499. Wait a minute! I— pickup attempt?

500. I'm offended.

501. I have little time to get to the gym,

502. so I have to sculpt my guns at the office.

503. Oh, stop calling your arms "guns."

504. Look.

505. My plan was to ask you

506. if I could squire you about town

507. as one professional helping another professional,

508. because I know what it's like to be lonely in a new city.

509. - Really? - Yes.

510. But now I am too hurt.

511. And shocked and offended

512. and— and hurt.

513. I could do that.

514. Really?

515. Well, yes.

516. As a journalist, I should get to know

517. the city that I'm covering.

518. - But this is not a date. - No, of course not.

519. - Strictly professional. - Wonderful.

520. - Hmm. - Great.

521. Shall I pick you up

522. 8:00?

523. Mm, 9:00.

524. Downstairs?

525. Mr. Burgundy, you have a massive erection.

526. Really?

527. Yes, I do. Um...

528. I'm sorry, it's the—

529. - it's the pleats. - Mm.

530. It's actually an optical illusion.

531. It's the pattern on the pants.

532. It's not flattering in the crotchal region.

533. I'm actually taking them back right now.

534. Taking them back to the pants store.

535. Oh, this is awkward.

536. I'm gonna walk—

537. I'm gonna walk this situation off

538. and I will see you later. Nothing to look at.

539. Go back to work, everyone.

540. Don't act like you're not impressed.

541. Don't look at me right now.

542. I'm walking around the office.

543. My new walk.

544. I have a situation right now I'm trying to walk off.

545. Frame up two.

546. - Let's go to Brian Fantana live... - Gimme a tighter one on two.

547. with a Channel 4 News exclusive.

548. Brian?

549. Panda watch. The mood is tense.

550. I have been on some serious, serious reports,

551. but nothing like this.

552. I— l— Ching— King is inside now.

553. I tried to get an interview, but they said, "You can't.

554. He's a live bear. He will literally rip your face off."

555. Hey! You're making me look stupid!

556. Get out here! Panda jerk!

557. Great story. Compelling and rich.

558. That's gonna do it for all of us at Channel 4 News.

559. You stay classy, San Diego.

560. I'm Ron Burgundy?

561. Damn it! Who typed a question mark on the Teleprompter?

562. For the last time, anything you put on that prompter,

563. Burgundy will read.

564. Oh, God, this is a mistake.

565. This is a mistake.

566. He's very cute. Very cute. No, he's not. He's hairy.

567. There she is! Veronica!

568. My little China doll.

569. I am full of it tonight.

570. Oh, silly. Hi.

571. You look ravishing.

572. It truly is beauty and the beast.

573. I might add a handsome beast at that.

574. Are you ready for our rendezvous?

575. It's not a date.

576. No, strictly professional.

577. Doesn't mean we can't have fun.

578. - Shall we? - Yes.

579. San Diego.

580. Mm! Drink it in.

581. It always goes down smooth.

582. What a beautiful view, Mr. Burgundy.

583. I know. I love this city. It's a—

584. it's a fact.

585. It's the greatest city in the history of mankind.

586. Discovered by the Germans in 1904.

587. They named it San Diago,

588. which of course in German means a whale's vagina.

589. N— no, there's no way that's correct.

590. I'm sorry. I was trying to impress you.

591. Oh.

592. I don't know what it means.

593. I'll be honest. I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore.

594. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost

595. hundreds of years ago.

596. Doesn't it mean Saint Diego?

597. No. No.

598. No, that's— that's what it means.

599. Really.

600. Well, agree to disagree.

601. May I take your order?

602. Yes, I am going to have three fingers of Glenlivet

603. with a little bit of pepper, and, uh, some cheese.

604. Very good.

605. A Manhattan, and kick the vermouth

606. in the side with a pair of steel-toed boots.

607. - Certainly. - Thank you, Scott.

608. Thank you.

609. Wow. Quite a drink order.

610. Oh, well, when in Rome.

611. Yes?

612. Please, go on.

613. Uh, do as the Romans do?

614. It's an old expression.

615. Oh! I've never heard of it.

616. - Oh. - It's wonderful, though.

617. Mr. Burgundy.

618. - Tino! How are you? - So good to see you.

619. You're looking fantastic.

620. Tino, Veronica.

621. Veronica. What a pretty girlfriend.

622. - Drinks are on Tino tonight. - No, no, no.

623. We're work associates. I work at the station.

624. - I'm a journalist. - Oh, okay. This is a good guy.

625. Tino's the finest club owner in the city.

626. - My best friend, right? - Yes.

627. Yes, we have a saying in my country about people like him.

628. "The coyote of the desert

629. always likes to eat the heart of the young,

630. where the blood drips down to children for breakfast, lunch and dinner,

631. - only the ribs will be broken in two." - Tino.

632. Okay. Well, Mr. Burgundy, we will be honored

633. if you will play "yazz" flute for us.

634. - I can't. - Please.

635. - You play jazz flute?

636. - I dabble. - Oh.

637. Would everyone love to hear Ron Burgundy play "yazz" flute?

638. - Man: Get it goin', Ronnie! - Tino: Yes! Please.

639. You, on stage now.

640. Okay, I guess I can play a little ditty.

641. - Honestly, I'm— - Come on.

642. - Give him a hand. - I'm not prepared. Not at all.

643. - Yeah! - This is a surprise, I'll tell you.

644. Guys, "East Harlem Shakedown," E flat?

645. Keep the cymbals splashy,

646. and, Jay, let's take the bass line for a walk.

647. Hold on.

648. I'm not hearing it right. Hold on.

649. We got it now. It's all right.

650. Fire up, Ronnie!

651. Little "Ham and Eggs" comin' at you. Hope you got your griddles.

652. That's baby-makin' music, that's what that is.

653. - Let's go!

654. Hey, Aqualung!

655. Thank you.

656. Thank you!

657. You were amazing.

658. Mm. Thank you.

659. Where did you learn to play like that?

660. Well, jazz flute

661. has always been a small passion of mine.

662. So what other passions do you have, Mr. Burgundy?

663. Well, I have one great passion that—

664. that lives deep within my loins, like a—

665. like a flaming golden hawk:

666. To one day become a network anchor.

667. Well, believe it or not,

668. we share the same dream.

669. I too want to be an network anchor.

670. God, you are so beautiful.

671. We really should be going.

672. I swore that I would never get involved with a coworker.

673. Wait.

674. What if, just for tonight, we weren't coworkers?

675. We were co-people?

676. - I don't— - Shh.

677. You be a woman.

678. I'll be a man.

679. That's all.

680. Oh.

681. You continue to surprise me, Mr. Burgundy.

682. Oh, I'm storming your castle on my steed, milady.

683. Oh, mi corazón es en fuego!

684. Julio, fuego, fuego, fuego!

685. Wait, stop. Stop talking like that.

686. - I can't understand you. - Sorry.

687. Take me to Pleasure Town!

688. - Oh, we're going there! - Oh!

689. I friggin' love you!

690. I friggin' love you back!

691. Look! The most glorious rainbow ever!

692. Oh, do me on it!

693. - Whee!

694. Mmm.

695. Well done, sir.

696. Tip of the cap to you as well, Miss Corningstone.

697. I'm having very strong feelings for you, Mr. Burgundy.

698. Mm.

699. But it's very important to me that I be viewed as a professional.

700. - Right. - Hmm.

701. When in Rome.

702. Yeah.

703. That, uh, expression

704. doesn't really apply to what I'm talking about.

705. - Oh, I'm— - What I was saying.

706. I still don't quite understand what it means.

707. Oh, no. You'll find it.

708. No, I was saying that,

709. if we continue seeing each other,

710. that we should keep it relatively quiet around the station.

711. Absolutely,

712. my wild love tigress.

713. Tasteful discretion is the name of the game.

714. Mm-hmm.

715. Veronica Corningstone and I had sex,

716. and now we are in love!

717. Did I say that loud?

718. Yeah, you pretty much yelled it.

719. Well, I can't help it.

720. It's fantastic!

721. - What's it like, Ron? - The intimate times?

722. Outta sight, my man!

723. No. The other thing.

724. Love.

725. Yeah. What is that?

726. Well, it's tough to explain.

727. - I think I was in love once. - Really, what was her name?

728. I don't remember.

729. That's not a good start, but keep going.

730. She was Brazilian.

731. Or Chinese, or something weird.

732. I met her in the bathroom of a K-mart,

733. and we made out for hours.

734. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.

735. I'm pretty sure that's not love.

736. Damn it!

737. I love...

738. carpet.

739. I love desk.

740. Are you just looking at things in the office and saying you love them?

741. I love lamp.

742. Do you really love the lamp, or are you saying it because you saw it?

743. I love lamp! I love lamp.

744. You really want to know what love is?

745. - Yeah. - Yes, tell us.

746. More than anything in the world.

747. Well, it's really quite simple.

748. It's kind of like...

749. - Whoop! - You guys have it, I think.

750. I don't know, Ron. That sounds kinda crazy.

751. Sounds like you have mental problems, man.

752. - Yeah, you got mental problems, man. - Yeah, he really does.

753. Man.

754. - Wanna make a phone call. - Freshen this up.

755. Oh, look out. Next up, it's Whiskerus Maximus.

756. He's ready to do battle in the arena

757. against the tiniest lion you've ever imagined.

758. I'm getting some great stuff, Miss Corningstone.

759. Shut up.

760. Oh, I hate cats.

761. Let's just do my sign-off and get outta here.

762. It was quite a show down here at the Pet Shack.

763. Just for today, fashion curiosity did not kill the cat.

764. I'm Veronica Corningstone for Channel 4 News.

765. That was our newest reporter, Veronica Corningstone.

766. She's really great.

767. I'd also like to share with you that we are currently dating

768. and that she is quite a handful in the bedroom.

769. - Uh...

770. That's gonna do it for all of us here at 6:00.

771. For the Channel 4 News Team, I'm Ron Burgundy.

772. You stay classy, San Diego.

773. All clear.

774. Uh-oh.

775. I might be in trouble on that one.

776. I can't believe that you said that we were dating on the air.

777. Mmm! Mmm. That is good fondue.

778. Don't you get it, Ron? I wanna be an anchor.

779. That is never gonna happen if everyone in San Diego

780. thinks that I'm your bimbo gal pal.

781. I don't know what to say.

782. I just— I got excited.

783. I just wanted to shout it from on top of a mountain.

784. But I didn't have a mountain. I had a newsroom and a camera.

785. Look.

786. I report the news. That's what I do.

787. And today's top story, in Ron Burgundy's world,

788. read something like this:

789. I love Veronica Corningstone.

790. Oh, Ron.

791. This is nice, gang, sittin' here.

792. - Brian: Oh, yeah. - Ron: Brown baggin' it.

793. The team pancake breakfast is tomorrow morning at 9:00 instead of 8:00.

794. Oh! Almost forgot.

795. I won't be able to make it, fellas.

796. Veronica and I are trying this new fad called,

797. uh, jogging.

798. I believe it's jogging or yogging. It might be a soft "J."

799. I'm not sure, but apparently you just run

800. for an extended period of time.

801. - It's supposed to be wild. - So Ron's not coming?

802. No, Ron's coming.

803. It's the pancake breakfast. We do it every month.

804. I realize that.

805. Sometimes you gotta look yourself in the mirror and say, "When in Rome."

806. The bottom line is,

807. you've been spending a lot of time with this lady.

808. You're a member of the Channel 4 News Team.

809. - That's a given. - We need you.

810. Hell, I need you.

811. I'm a mess without ya.

812. I miss you so damn much.

813. I miss being with you.

814. I miss being near you. I miss your laugh.

815. I miss— I miss your scent.

816. I miss your musk.

817. - When this all gets sorted out,

818. I think you and me should get an apartment together.

819. Just take it easy, Champ.

820. Why don't you stop talking for a while?

821. Maybe sit the next couple of plays out.

822. You know what I mean?

823. Yeah, I'm gonna quit sayin' things

824. when they crop up in the ol' skull, huh?

825. See what it's like when you're not here?

826. You're our leader. Look what you're doing to the group.

827. Champ's been a mess. Brick can't sleep at night.

828. - Here's the thing,

829. I don't trust this chick.

830. We need you around, and she is just using you.

831. Everyone, just relax. All right?

832. Believe me, if there's one thing Ron Burgundy knows, it's women.

833. Okay, and Veronica Corningstone, she's just—

834. she's just dying to quit her job

835. so that she can take care of me and have babies.

836. Hey, gang.

837. Papa's home.

838. Oh, honey.

839. I am so glad you're home.

840. My alabaster doll.

841. Gentlemen.

842. You look great.

843. No eye contact!

844. Oh, darling.

845. I've spent all day cleaning your Emmys

846. and preparing dinner in the nude.

847. Oh, let's make whoopie.

848. And then I'm going to go drinking with the news team for two days.

849. Wonderful. Wonderful!

850. Ow!

851. Bite it! Bite it!

852. - Oh, yes! - Oh, yeah!

853. You are a bad boy.

854. I'm bad. I need to go to the principal's office.

855. I love my life.

856. I don't know, Ron.

857. Guess what. I do.

858. I know that one day, Veronica and I are gonna get married

859. on top of a mountain.

860. And there's going to be flutes playing

861. and trombones and flowers

862. and garlands of fresh herbs.

863. And we will dance till the sun rises.

864. And then our children will form a family band.

865. And we will tour the countryside,

866. and you won't be invited!

867. I'm telling you, this lady has really crawled into Ron's head.

868. Good. Good one!

869. Oh, okay. I understand.

870. You have a nice day, sir. Bye.

871. Um, I could come back later, Mr. Harken.

872. No, no, no.

873. It's just parent stuff.

874. It seems that our youngest, Chris, was

875. on something called acid

876. and was firing a bow and arrow into a crowd.

877. - Mm. - You know how kids are.

878. Oh. Right.

879. Anyhoo, what can I do you for?

880. Well, Mr. Harken,

881. I feel like I have proven myself as a journalist

882. and that I deserve the opportunity

883. to take on more challenging stories.

884. Well, ask and you shall receive.

885. Ah, yes, this just came across my desk.

886. Here is a story of a 103-year-old woman

887. who claims to have a recipe for the world's greatest meat loaf.

888. Ooh, now that's a hot lead.

889. It was very hard for Veronica.

890. But she was a pro and hung tough.

891. But soon, with a simple act of littering,

892. everyone's life would change forever.

893. This burrito is delicious, but it is filling.

894. - Ron: Whoa!

895. Antony and Cleopatra!

896. Goddamn son of—

897. What the hell, bro'?

898. Hello, neighbor.

899. Did you just throw a burrito out your window?

900. I believe I did.

901. Are you high or something? Did you see what happened?

902. I did. That was a terrific spill. That's quite a raspberry.

903. That's my chopper you just thrashed, Broseph.

904. Easy, compadre. I'm your friend out here, all right?

905. I want you to fix my chopper before I stomp your goofy ass!

906. If you want to throw down, fine.

907. I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary waiting for you.

908. You destroyed the only thing I love.

909. All right? There it is. What do you love?

910. I love poetry.

911. And a glass of Scotch.

912. And, of course, my friend Baxter here.

913. Well, guess what. Now this is happenin'.

914. Excuse me. Excuse me. What are you doing?

915. - That's how I roll.

916. Baxter!

917. No...!

918. - Where the hell is he? - He'll be here.

919. - I thought he was Mr. Dependable. - It's not like Ron.

920. I'd put Brick on, but unless he's tracking a storm front, he's useless.

921. - Excuse me, gentlemen. - Oh. Hello.

922. Just want you to know if Ron does not show up, I am ready to go on.

923. You and I have had this discussion a million times.

924. There's never been a woman anchor.

925. Mr. Harken,

926. - this city needs its news. - Oh.

927. You're gonna deprive them of that because I have breasts?

928. Exquisite breasts?

929. I am gonna go on, and if you want to stop me, bring it on.

930. Because I am good at three things:

931. fighting, screwing and reading the news.

932. I've already done one of those today, so what's the other one gonna be?

933. Uh—

934. Screwing?

935. I will be in makeup.

936. Jesus, she's terrifying!

937. - Fantana.

938. Ron, are you okay?

939. The man punted Baxter!

940. - Calm down.

941. Breathe, Ron, breathe.

942. The man that loved the motorcycle!

943. What did the bad man do?

944. The motorcycle on the bridge! I hit him with a burrito!

945. - Ron! - He took him!

946. He took him with his foot and he kicked him!

947. That's what he did!

948. Someone punted him?

949. No, wait. Wait. Let me say something.

950. Let me say something.

951. - What?

952. I— I don't— I didn't understand one word you said.

953. Ron, are you okay? Ron?

954. Ron. Where are you?

955. I'm in a glass case of emotion!

956. He's gonna put Corningstone on.

957. He's gonna put Corningstone on!

958. I've got to do the news!

959. You're not Ron.

960. We're on in 10. Good luck, lady.

961. Ready the announce.

962. - Power. - Roll in.

963. Power. Power.

964. One slip,

965. and you're gone. Whammy.

966. And your reporter in the field,

967. Brian Fantana.

968. It's Channel 4 News at 6:00.

969. Good evening. Ron Burgundy is off tonight.

970. I'm Veronica Corningstone.

971. Tonight's top story:

972. - Okay, we're off and running. - Three armed men

973. wearing ski masks made off with over $20,000 from an area bank

974. in a daring early morning robbery.

975. Hey!

976. And the winner of the frog-leaping contest was Hoppy,

977. with a jump of seven feet, 10 inches.

978. Hmm.

979. I used to date a guy named Hoppy down in Alabama. He was quite a jumper, too.

980. That will do it for us at 6:00.

981. From all of us here at Channel 4 News,

982. I'm Veronica Corningstone,

983. and thanks for stopping by, San Diego.

984. - All clear!

985. Yes! Yes!

986. Lady! Lady!

987. Not bad, Miss Corningstone. Not bad at all.

988. Thank you, Mr. Harken. That felt good.

989. - That felt really good. - I liked your sign-off line, too.

990. You did? It just came through me. It was so organic.

991. Thank you.

992. Oh, Ron! Ron! Ron, darling!

993. I'm so glad you're all right. Oh, God.

994. I have something magnificent to tell you.

995. I'm here. We can do the news now.

996. It's all right, everyone! We can do the news.

997. Hold on. Why are we all standing around? Let's go!

998. Ron, we did it. Veronica filled in for you.

999. What?

1000. Sweetheart, we were so worried about you,

1001. and we waited as long as we could, but—

1002. Darling, I did the news, and I nailed it. I nailed it.

1003. Wait, wait! Veronica, please, tell me this is some kind

1004. of sick, tasteless joke.

1005. You weren't here. Why are you being this way?

1006. Why can't you be proud of me

1007. as a peer and as my gentleman lover?

1008. Oh, Jeez.

1009. I can't believe you did this to me!

1010. You read my news!

1011. I told you that I wanted to be an anchor.

1012. I told you that.

1013. I thought you were kidding!

1014. I thought it was a joke!

1015. I even wrote it down in my diary!

1016. "Veronica had a very funny joke today."

1017. I laughed at it later that night!

1018. I can't believe that I cared for you.

1019. Get out! Just go!

1020. We are through! Through!

1021. Because of your actions, you scorpion woman!

1022. You have broken my heart, Mr. Burgundy.

1023. You have broken my heart.

1024. From there on out,

1025. things just got worse for Ron Burgundy.

1026. Corningstone was a star,

1027. and everything started to move awfully fast

1028. - after her big break. - Where's lan? Ian!

1029. Ed: All right, I got a call from network.

1030. It looks like our broadcast last night

1031. received a two-point ratings boost,

1032. and the decision has been passed down

1033. to make Veronica our co-anchor.

1034. - What? - No. No!

1035. No!

1036. - No! - No!

1037. - No! - This is wonderful.

1038. Ed, come here, you big silly man. You big silly man.

1039. - We did it. - What is this, amateur hour?

1040. - That's great. - Thank you.

1041. What Brian didn't tell you

1042. was that those were not real pirates.

1043. - They looked convincing, though. - Oh, yes.

1044. Well, for all of us here at Channel 4 News,

1045. I'm Ron Burgundy.

1046. You stay classy, San Diego.

1047. And thanks for stopping by.

1048. But mainly stay classy.

1049. - Thanks for stopping by. - Stay classy, I'm Ron Burgundy.

1050. - Thanks for stopping by. - Stay classy.

1051. - Ron Burgundy.

1052. You are a real hooker, and I'm gonna slap you in public.

1053. You have way too much pubic hair.

1054. Actually, that's a point of pride.

1055. I'm very proud of my mane of pubic hair, so thank you.

1056. You have man boobs.

1057. You've got a dirty, whorish mouth.

1058. I'm gonna punch you in the ovary.

1059. - A straight shot. - Ooh, ow.

1060. Right to the baby-maker.

1061. Ah, jazz flute is for little fairy boys.

1062. Okay, you know what? That's uncalled for.

1063. I can't work with this woman. It's terrible.

1064. - It's ringing.

1065. Veronica Corningstone.

1066. Hello, Veronica, this is Mike Rithjin

1067. from the network. You've just been promoted.

1068. You're gonna need to move to Moscow.

1069. Start cleaning up your desk.

1070. See you in the morning. We'll pick you up in a van.

1071. What did you say your name was?

1072. Mike Ritnitjun. It's not important.

1073. Start cleaning your desk,

1074. and we'll pick you up in the morning.

1075. Tell her she might want to get a coat.

1076. Hold on. Veronica? What was it?

1077. Tell her to get a coat.

1078. Also, I don't know if you know Moscow. It's pretty cold.

1079. You might want to buy a coat.

1080. Are you and Champ having a good time, Ron?

1081. Are we what?

1082. I can see you, Ron.

1083. What?

1084. I can see you.

1085. Okay. Bye-bye.

1086. - What happened? - She knew it was me.

1087. You're watching Channel 4 News

1088. with five-time Emmy award-winning anchor

1089. Ron Burgundy and Tits McGee.

1090. Good evening, San Diego. I'm Veronica Corningstone.

1091. Tits McGee is on vacation.

1092. And I'm Tits— I'm Ron Burgundy.

1093. - Veronica Corningstone. - This is your doctor.

1094. I have your pregnancy report here, and guess what.

1095. You got knocked up. You should probably get out of news.

1096. - Who is this? - This is Dr. Chim.

1097. - Dr. Chim Richalds. - Ron, is this you?

1098. - I'm a professional doctor.

1099. You saw me. You don't remember.

1100. - We— you should move.

1101. - Get out of the business. - This is pathetic.

1102. You're pathetic.

1103. What'd she say?

1104. She— I don't— I think she bought it.

1105. She's looking this way.

1106. - Oh, uh-oh. Whoa! - Here she comes.

1107. I'll tell you what, it's just not working.

1108. She's making us look like a bunch of fools.

1109. - Ellen, where's the party?

1110. Children, grow up.

1111. Son of a bee sting.

1112. She's turning the entire office against us.

1113. - This is grim. Real grim. - What are we gonna do?

1114. There's only one thing a man can do

1115. when he's suffering from a spiritual and existential funk.

1116. Go to the zoo, flip off the monkeys?

1117. No. Buy new suits.

1118. Yea!

1119. Where's the suit store? We've been walking for 45 minutes.

1120. Where's the suit store? We've been walking for 45 minutes.

1121. Brick, I thought you said this was a shortcut.

1122. Fantastic.

1123. - Is it a shortcut or not? - Okay.

1124. Jeez.

1125. Hey.

1126. Uh-oh. Here comes trouble.

1127. Burgundy and the ladies went out for a stroll, huh?

1128. You boys walkin' around and talkin' things through?

1129. Keep a tight perimeter.

1130. Yes, sirree.

1131. Well, well, well.

1132. Ron Burgundy

1133. and the Channel 4 News Team.

1134. Where's your mommy?

1135. You back off, Evening News Team.

1136. You know, I understand that, uh,

1137. they had to bring a female in.

1138. Change your diapers.

1139. Wipe the dribble away from your bubblin' lips.

1140. Rub Vaseline all over your heinie

1141. and tell you that it's special and different from everyone else's.

1142. He said "heinie"!

1143. Brick, get back over here!

1144. Heinie!

1145. Does she tuck you in, Ronnie?

1146. Give you a little kiss on your forehead?

1147. Tell you everything's gonna be okay?

1148. I've had enough of you, Mantooth.

1149. This is gonna end right here, right now.

1150. Let's dance, dickweed.

1151. You wanna dance, Ronnie?

1152. I wanna polka.

1153. Come get a taste.

1154. Brick, where'd you get a hand grenade?

1155. I don't know.

1156. All right. Let's do this!

1157. Hey!

1158. If you're gonna have a fight,

1159. then don't forget Channel 2 News with me,

1160. Iead anchor Frank Vitchard.

1161. You dirtbags have been in third place for five years.

1162. Yeah? Well, you're about to be in dead place.

1163. Not so fast, you ingrates!

1164. Public News Team is taking a break from its pledge drive

1165. to kick some ass.

1166. No commercials! No mercy!

1167. Cómo están, pinches!

1168. Spanish Language News is here.

1169. Tonight's top story:

1170. The sewers run red with Burgundy's blood.

1171. Hyah! Hyah!

1172. Well looks like we got ourselves a bilingual bloodfest.

1173. Now, before we do this, let's go over the ground rules.

1174. Rule number one:

1175. No touching of the hair or face.

1176. Of course.

1177. And that's it!

1178. Now let's do this!

1179. - Begin!

1180. I'm gonna straight-up murder your ass!

1181. - Blade! - Here you go, mate!

1182. Ahh! God!

1183. Oh! I did not see that coming!

1184. Oh! Aaah!

1185. - Now I'll be number one. - No, you won't!

1186. - Policía!

1187. Boy, that escalated quickly.

1188. I mean, that really got out of hand fast.

1189. - It jumped up a notch. - It did, didn't it?

1190. Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart.

1191. I saw that. Brick killed a guy.

1192. - Did you throw a trident? - Yeah.

1193. There were horses and a man on fire and I killed a guy with a trident.

1194. I've been meaning to talk to you about that.

1195. Find yourself a safe house or a relative close by.

1196. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.

1197. I'm proud of you fellas.

1198. You kept your head on a swivel.

1199. That's what you gotta do when you're in a vicious cockfight.

1200. Can you believe Mantooth and the Channel 9 Evening News Team?

1201. "Where's your mommy? Someone's gotta change your diapers."

1202. This Corningstone business is really hurting our rep.

1203. I know exactly what you mean, Brian.

1204. Every newsman in this city's laughing at us.

1205. - And I don't like it. - I don't like the put-downs.

1206. We're gonna do something about it.

1207. It is time to put an end to this!

1208. Last time I looked, my name's Ron Burgundy. What's your name?

1209. - Brian Fantana. - Champ Kind.

1210. - Brian Fantana. - No, you're Brick.

1211. - Brian. - I'm Brian.

1212. Veronica.

1213. Ron on TV: And I've shown you, old man!

1214. Garth, I need to look at these tapes for a potential lead.

1215. Ron's using the machine

1216. to play his local Emmy acceptance speech from last year.

1217. I tried to ask her out on a date.

1218. Turn the music off! I'm still talking!

1219. - This is ridiculous! - I don't remember doing it.

1220. - Excuse me. - What are you doing?

1221. I need this machine so I can watch a tape for a story.

1222. I'm using the tape.

1223. I'm showing Jeffrey my Emmy tape.

1224. We are watching history.

1225. Mr. Burgundy, I'm a professional,

1226. and I would like to be able to do my job.

1227. Big deal! I am very professional!

1228. Mr. Burgundy, you are acting like a baby.

1229. I'm not a baby, I am a man. I am an anchorman!

1230. You are not a man. You are a big fat joke!

1231. I'm a man who discovered the wheel

1232. and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn.

1233. That's what kind of man I am.

1234. You're just a woman with a small brain.

1235. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.

1236. I will have you know that I have more talent

1237. and more intelligence in my little finger

1238. than you do in your entire body, sir!

1239. You are a smelly pirate hooker!

1240. You look like a blueberry.

1241. Why don't you go back to your home on Whore lsland?

1242. Well, you have bad hair.

1243. What did you say?

1244. I said

1245. your hair

1246. looks stupid.

1247. - Let 'em work it out! - It's between the two of them!

1248. They're just talking. Just talking.

1249. - I hate you! - I hate you more!

1250. Ow!

1251. - Shut up! Shut up!

1252. All right, stop!

1253. Stop what you're doing right now!

1254. I will not have my newsroom be divided.

1255. Ah! Knights of Columbus, that hurts!

1256. I was like, "Who is that guy?"

1257. I just can't believe what Ron did to you.

1258. It is so awful.

1259. Yes.

1260. Have you ever thought about fighting fire

1261. with fire?

1262. What do you mean?

1263. I have some information that you can choose to use or not use.

1264. Up to you.

1265. Ron Burgundy

1266. will read anything that is put on that Teleprompter.

1267. And when I say anything,

1268. I mean an-y-thing.

1269. Arnold, cue one.

1270. After the FotoMat was destroyed,

1271. the bear scampered back into the woods.

1272. Apparently he wasn't too happy with his color prints.

1273. - Oh.

1274. From the entire Channel 4 News Team,

1275. I'm Veronica Corningstone.

1276. And I'm Ron Burgundy.

1277. Go fuck yourself, San Diego.

1278. What in the name—

1279. No!

1280. Nobody talks about my city that way!

1281. Ron Burgundy's ass is grass!

1282. Nice work, everyone. Sharp broadcast.

1283. Really good. Everyone on the floor as well.

1284. Really a lot of hustle. I liked it.

1285. - Dump out! Dump out!

1286. Hello, Edward.

1287. - Ron, I've got to fire you. - I've got to fire you.

1288. Bing, bong, bong. You're fired, Ed.

1289. Do you even know what you just said?

1290. Great Odin's raven!

1291. Are you happy, Ron?

1292. Veronica. She put that in the Teleprompter.

1293. You're probably right, but this is bad, Ron. Real bad.

1294. My hands are tied. I—

1295. I gotta fire you.

1296. Ed, let's hold on. Let's count to 10.

1297. That's a rash decision. Is this about something else?

1298. Ed, there's 300 very angry San Diego-ites.

1299. San Diego-ins. San Diego-uns.

1300. - San Dieg-ons. - San Diegans.

1301. San Diegans out in front of the station.

1302. They want Ron's blood.

1303. They want to hurt you.

1304. Why did you say that? Why?

1305. Why, Ron? Why?

1306. You're my hero, Ron.

1307. Garth, l—

1308. And you come out with stink like that poop!

1309. You poop mouth! Get all the poop out of your mouth!

1310. If I were to give you money out of my wallet, would that ease the pain?

1311. I hate you, Ron Burgundy! I hate you!

1312. Ron? Ron! I never wanted it to be like this.

1313. I can't believe you did this to me! Are you happy?

1314. No, Ron, I'm not! It was supposed to be a joke.

1315. I mean, it's still kind of funny.

1316. But it's not.

1317. I have nothing left! Nothing!

1318. I've been reduced to rubble!

1319. Don't you know I would never say the word fuck?

1320. I would never fucking ever fucking say that!

1321. Ever!

1322. Let's go. These people are about to pull you apart.

1323. I'm sorry. Get your hands off him, you bastards!

1324. Don't you know I would never say fuck?

1325. - Fuck! - Move.

1326. No! No!

1327. Mr. Burgundy, you should be ashamed of yourself.

1328. - Please, l— - You're an awful man!

1329. You are truly a disappointment to us all, Mr. Burgundy!

1330. Bob Dylan once wrote,

1331. "The times, they are a-changin'."

1332. Ron Burgundy had never heard that song.

1333. So when he fell, he fell hard.

1334. It's Channel 4 News at 6:00!

1335. Good evening, San Diego.

1336. I'm lead anchor Veronica Corningstone.

1337. Tonight's top story: an ultrasound of Ling Wong,

1338. the most famous panda in the world,

1339. shows that her baby is doing quite well.

1340. - No!

1341. Ron Burgundy, stay classy.

1342. Hello, this is Ron.

1343. Hello.

1344. Who's there? I'm talking. Hello.

1345. Who is this?

1346. Baxter, is that you?

1347. Baxter!

1348. Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee.

1349. Is this Wilt Chamberlain?

1350. Have the courage to say something. Hello!

1351. Hello!

1352. Oh, Tino, thank you for letting me come in here.

1353. I'm glad I can still get a good meal.

1354. Yeah sure. Here you are, the chef made this special for you.

1355. You eat that for the way you talk about my city.

1356. I will not eat that.

1357. You're going to eat that cat poo.

1358. I will not eat cat poop.

1359. - You will eat cat poo. - Ron Burgundy says no!

1360. You make a fool of me and everyone here.

1361. You put that cat poo in your mouth.

1362. - No! - Yes!

1363. - No! - Sí!

1364. - I will not eat cat poop. - You will do it immediately!

1365. - No! - You will!

1366. - Fine, I'll try to eat one— - Get in there.

1367. If I take one bite will you get me a steak?

1368. If I take one bite of shit will you bring me a steak?

1369. I'll think about it.

1370. Yeah, get in there.

1371. - Yeah, start with the end. - I am so hungry.

1372. - There. - Oh God!

1373. A steak. A big steak for him, please.

1374. No! I had one bite.

1375. - That's not enough. - Son of a bitch.

1376. - You like this?

1377. Oh, don't cry. Don't cry.

1378. He's not crying. He's not crying.

1379. - Don't cry in my— - I'll eat the shit. I don't care.

1380. I'll eat the entire hunk of shit.

1381. Okay, just finish it up.

1382. Don't you feel better now?

1383. Hey, you watch yourself, mister.

1384. Hey, lady in the red hat. Yeah.

1385. You smell.

1386. Guys. Guys, it's me, Ron.

1387. Fellas!

1388. Harken said he'd fire us if we talked to you.

1389. - What? - I'm sorry.

1390. I— Brian!

1391. - It's Ronnie! - Ron!

1392. - Champ! - Ron!

1393. Champ, come on. Come on!

1394. Go, Brick.

1395. My sweet Brick.

1396. Brick, come hug me. I know you want to.

1397. I am completely miserable, San Diego!

1398. It's so damn hot!

1399. Milk was a bad choice!

1400. Yes, yes. Chris, listen to me.

1401. Put down the gun and let the marching band go.

1402. - We'll play it off as a prank.

1403. We'll straighten it out later. I'm getting another call.

1404. Ed Harken.

1405. What? Oh, my God!

1406. Listen, everybody, Ling Wong the panda is giving birth!

1407. Get Corningstone over there right away!

1408. The network is picking up the feed.

1409. I want a shot of that panda being born!

1410. This is Ted Nightingale, Channel 6 News Los Angeles,

1411. reporting from the San Diego Zoo.

1412. And this is the moment

1413. the entire world has been waiting for.

1414. I can only speculate as to the sex of the panda,

1415. but if I had to guess, I'd say female.

1416. - Excuse me. Press. - Hey, lady, watch it.

1417. Excuse me, I'm press. Thank you. What do you got?

1418. Nothing. All I can see is a blue curtain.

1419. Oh, damn it.

1420. Go over there and see if you can get a shot. I'll go this way.

1421. Hey, lady, why don't you go fetch me a sandwich?

1422. - Okay, I'll go get your sandwich.

1423. Then I'll show you the ratings where you're number two to a woman.

1424. Ouch. Don't lose any more hair over it.

1425. - Whatever. - We're live, Mr. Mantooth.

1426. Good afternoon, San Diego.

1427. We're here today to celebrate the birth of a panda.

1428. Quit the singin'!

1429. Creeping out all the regulars.

1430. I'm expressing my inner anguish through the majesty of song!

1431. Look, drunkie, you been coming in here every day,

1432. stinking up the joint with your craziness.

1433. Now, what the hell is wrong with you?

1434. I got no heart!

1435. Because a she-devil stole it!

1436. You know what the worst part about it is?

1437. She's better than me!

1438. She's better than me.

1439. You know, times are changing.

1440. Ladies can do stuff now.

1441. You're gonna have to learn how to deal with that.

1442. What? Were you saying something?

1443. Look, I don't speak Spanish.

1444. Ah.

1445. Scotty.

1446. Scotty, I have the shot.

1447. Scotty. Scotty!

1448. Hey, uh,

1449. that is some fantastic shot you got there.

1450. The kind of shot that gets you to the top of network news.

1451. - Oh, well, we hope. - We at public television,

1452. we're really down with the woman's lib thing.

1453. That is so refreshing to me.

1454. Because the struggle I've—

1455. - Howie, we have the shot.

1456. Up a little. Up, up.

1457. Oh. You son of a bitch!

1458. Shh!

1459. Don't want to wake up your friends.

1460. Help!

1461. - Simply vanished. - How do you lose your lead anchor?

1462. - I can't find Corningstone. - Where the hell is she?

1463. - No one's seen her. - I can't believe this.

1464. Every news outlet in the world is looking for coverage on this.

1465. I've got no damn lead anchor!

1466. Damn it! Get me a phone.

1467. I can't believe I'm about to do this.

1468. Rocky's, bar, grill, fine dining.

1469. - Is there an anchorman there? - Hold on.

1470. This is killing me. I'd rather slit my throat.

1471. - Hello? - Hello?

1472. - Is this Ron? - Who is this?

1473. - It's me. Ed. - Who?

1474. - Ed Harken. - I don't know a Ned.

1475. - Ed Harken! - Ed!

1476. - Ed, hello. - Listen, Ron.

1477. Corningstone disappeared in the midst of the biggest story of the year.

1478. We need you down here right away.

1479. Wait, Ed.

1480. Does this mean you're asking me to report the news again?

1481. - Yes. - Ed!

1482. That's wonderful! Thank you!

1483. Ed, hold on. I want to say a few words.

1484. - You have always been a good friend! - Right.

1485. - Always! - Right.

1486. Get down here as quickly as you can.

1487. Ed, I'll be down there.

1488. And I'm going to look good.

1489. Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy.

1490. Damn! That dude cleans up good!

1491. If I'm gonna do this, I'll need my news team at my side.

1492. News team!

1493. Assemble!

1494. News team, assemble!

1495. Hey, Ron.

1496. What's up?

1497. Oh.

1498. Hi. Didn't see you there.

1499. We've been here literally the entire time you have.

1500. I'm a little embarrassed.

1501. Look.

1502. I just got the call from Harken. He wants me back.

1503. But I can't do this without my news team.

1504. I don't know, Ron.

1505. That was half a lifetime ago. We're different people now.

1506. When you left, the hurt was so deep.

1507. I don't know if I can go through that again.

1508. Think about what you're asking.

1509. Man.

1510. Gentlemen,

1511. there was a time

1512. when you called me your lead anchor.

1513. Will you follow me again?

1514. I'm gettin' too old for this shit.

1515. To the news van!

1516. - To the news van! - Okay!

1517. Ahh!

1518. Well, I'll be. Ron Burgundy.

1519. He's back!

1520. Gentlemen, let's try to get in a good position for the story.

1521. - How does the hair look? - Magnificent.

1522. You have hair like an angel.

1523. Oh, whoa, whoa. Network talent scout.

1524. - Champ: This is a hot one. - Ron: I'm actually nervous.

1525. - Let's go get 'em.

1526. Wait! Did you just hear something?

1527. - Help.

1528. - Ron, help! - Veronica!

1529. - Are you okay? - Shh!

1530. How did you get down there?

1531. Just go get someone. Please.

1532. Hold on. Hold on!

1533. We've got to do something.

1534. Whoa, Ron, I don't want to sound cruel, but—

1535. There's a network talent scout over there.

1536. This is a tough decision.

1537. So much to think about.

1538. Basically the biggest story of my career,

1539. Iaunching me to a level I've never known before,

1540. or saving the woman

1541. I used to have familiar relations with.

1542. This is hard!

1543. I am in a pickle!

1544. Ron, I know it sounds harsh,

1545. but God does not want her to live.

1546. No. Hold on.

1547. It's clear now.

1548. We go into the bear pit.

1549. Ron, don't.

1550. Oh!

1551. I immediately regret this decision.

1552. What are you doing? Why didn't you get help?

1553. These bears are massive!

1554. They looked a lot smaller from up there.

1555. Fan out. Let's go find Harken.

1556. Stay calm.

1557. It's all right. I think it's all right, my sweet chinchilla.

1558. - Oh, Ron. - Yes, yes.

1559. In case we die here today,

1560. there's something that you should know.

1561. That dirty trick with the Teleprompter, it wasn't—

1562. Sweet Eli Whitney's nose! It wasn't you, was it?

1563. It was Wes Mantooth.

1564. - Oh, I should have known. - No, no.

1565. - No, I did it. - You bitch!

1566. - Shh!

1567. You woke the bears. Why did you do that?

1568. There's somebody in the bear pit!

1569. It took my impending death

1570. for me to realize how much I need you.

1571. Oh, Ron.

1572. Those bears are gonna hurt them!

1573. News team, let's hunt.

1574. News team!

1575. Bear fight!

1576. Come on. Come on!

1577. Damn!

1578. Hit 'em in the uvula!

1579. Hey, Ron!

1580. I'm riding a furry tractor!

1581. The bears have descended on the news team

1582. and it's not going well.

1583. Clearly, after today, I will no longer—

1584. Come on! Oh, God!

1585. It's getting to be ri-goddamn-diculous!

1586. Oh, no.

1587. We woke up the mama.

1588. Oh, God!

1589. I don't wanna die.

1590. - Ron: Baxter!

1591. Look! They're following their mother!

1592. It's instinct.

1593. Oh, Baxter!

1594. Oh! Oh, Baxter, you're still alive!

1595. Oh, I'm so happy!

1596. I'm so happy! You are alive!

1597. I'm so happy!

1598. I will lick you!

1599. I will lick you in front of everyone to show my joy.

1600. Oh. Ohhh!

1601. Boy, he really likes that dog.

1602. Burgundy! Burgundy!

1603. Burgundy! Burgundy!

1604. Burgundy! Burgundy!

1605. Hi, Ron.

1606. It's always a long fall from the top, isn't it?

1607. Easy, Wes.

1608. I've been waiting to say this to you for a long time.

1609. - All right. - Deep down in my stomach,

1610. with every inch of me,

1611. I pure, straight

1612. hate you!

1613. But, God damn it, do I respect you!

1614. Thank you,

1615. brother.

1616. Burgundy! Burgundy!

1617. Today we spell redemption

1618. R-O-N.

1619. Burgundy! Burgundy!

1620. Ron, you're my hero!

1621. Ron, I think you've got a story to report.

1622. Are you sure, Ed?

1623. Do it.

1624. It's the story you were born to tell.

1625. San Diego's waiting. Go get 'em.

1626. Make way!

1627. Ron Burgundy's about to report on pandas!

1628. Count me down. Three.

1629. You're live, Mr. Burgundy.

1630. This is Ron Burgundy,

1631. proudly reporting once again for Channel 4 News.

1632. Today's story is one of the more remarkable things

1633. ever to happen to San Diago

1634. or even the world.

1635. But in order to properly retell it,

1636. I'm going to need some help

1637. from my co-anchor,

1638. Miss Veronica Corningstone.

1639. - High-pressure system— - No, no, no, no, Brick.

1640. - High-pressure system— - Go stand over there.

1641. Oh, Ron.

1642. Ron, there are literally thousands of men

1643. that I should be with instead,

1644. but I am 72% sure that I love you.

1645. Yes, redemption was sweet for Ron Burgundy.

1646. Yes! Ron!

1647. - As for the news team: - Stop it! Ron!

1648. Champ Kind went on to become a commentator for the NFL,

1649. but was later fired after being accused

1650. of sexual harassment by Terry Bradshaw.

1651. Excuse me.

1652. Is that Sex Panther you're wearing?

1653. Brian Fantana went on to have great success

1654. as the host of the hit reality TV show

1655. "lntercourse lsland" on the Fox Network.

1656. Anyone seen Brick?

1657. - Brick? - Don't! That tickles!

1658. No, that tickles me! Come on!

1659. Brick Tamland is married with 11 children

1660. and is one of the top political advisors

1661. to the Bush White House.

1662. I'm gonna get you! I'm gonna get you!

1663. And Ron and Veronica didn't stay in San Diego long.

1664. I chose them as my replacement,

1665. and they became the first mixed-gender network news team,

1666. and they're still doing it today.

1667. From all of us here at the World News Center,

1668. I'm Veronica Corningstone.

1669. And I'm Ron Burgundy.

1670. You stay classy, planet Earth.

1671. Oh! Great Odin's raven!

1672. Oh! By the hammer of Thor!

1673. Oh! Saint Damien's beard!

1674. Sweet grandmother's spatula!

1675. Oh! Hot pot of coffee!

1676. Uncle Jonathan's corncob pipe!

1677. I'm gonna shoot you with a BB gun when you're not looking.

1678. In the back of the head.

1679. - I'm sorry.

1680. You're not very bright. You know that, right?

1681. You're actually quite a dullard.

1682. Everyone here knows it.

1683. If I'm a dullard, you're the, uh, the dull—

1684. Oh! Can't think of anything to say, can you?

1685. Yes, I can. I can think of a lot of things to say.

1686. Like, you're a dirty bitch.

1687. Well, Ron, I'm gonna put poison—

1688. Oh, my God!

1689. I drank a lava lamp. It wasn't lava.

1690. I ate a whole bunch of fiberglass insulation.

1691. It wasn't cotton candy like that guy said.

1692. My stomach's itchy.

1693. I pooped a hammer.

1694. I pooped a tape recorder.

1695. I pooped a Cornish game hen.

1696. Uh...

1697. Nope.

1698. You do not take a tone with me,

1699. 'cause I will give you a rap right on the Jack Johnson!

1700. - Okay. - Yes.

1701. Now this is happenin'.

1702. What are you doing?

1703. - Hah! - What are you doing?

1704. What are you—

1705. Action.

1706. We'll go back to doing what I do best—

1707. I guess we'll go back to doing what I do best, show off.

1708. When do we get started?

1709. When do we get started?

1710. - That's my line. - When do we get started?

1711. You say, "Whenever you like."

1712. - Whenever you like.

1713. Keep it rollin'. This is good stuff.

1714. an area bank in a daring...

1715. Probably not the same one. Probably not the same guy.

1716. Brick, before I let you go,

1717. are you still having your celebrity golf tournament this summer?

1718. No, too many people died last year.

1719. So we're not gonna do—

1720. Sorry. Sorry.

1721. They named it San Diego.

1722. Which in German means, "a whale's vagina."

1723. This is the most ridiculous thing ever.

1724. Way to handle him. That was nice.

1725. It sure is good to be number one.

1726. It sure beats the hell out of number two.

1727. We are laughing!

1728. And we are very good friends.

1729. Good buddies sharing a special moment.

1730. Don't say anything, Ron. Just let it happen.

1731. We're laughing, enjoying our friendship.

1732. And someday we'll look back on this with much fondness.

1733. Yeah.

1734. Yeah.