1. Ron Burgundy,
for years he was
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2. the prophet San Diego
turned to for its news.
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3. But then, like a shimmering
comet, he disappeared.
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4. So where does
the next chapter
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5. of the legend of
Ron Burgundy begin?
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6. It begins in a place
where all great men go
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7. for the second
act of their life,
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8. New York City!
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9. Ron Burgundy!
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10. Your lady's got an ass that
looks like a diamond
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11. wrapped in hundred dollar bills.
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12. You know there's two
things daddy likes
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13. is diamonds and hundred
dollar bills, baby.
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14. And white women.
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15. Ron, aren't you going to
say something to him?
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16. Hey, when you've got an ass
like a piece of Bubblicious,
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17. people are going to want to
stop and chew on it.
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18. It was a time before
cell phones
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19. and when Google and Twitter were
sounds made by monkeys and babies.
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20. Chop suey.
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21. "Chop suey," says Choppy.
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22. Chop suey.
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23. Mickey Mouse shrieked in pain
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24. as the bear trap
severed his right leg.
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25. Chuck-wan.
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26. Wendy wore her wedding dress
to the orgy.
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27. Wendy wore her wedding
dress to the orgy. Orgy.
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28. Corningstone.
Corningstone.
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29. Oh, my God! Oh, no!
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30. He's getting close!
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31. Oh, no!
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32. He died too young!
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33. Five, four...
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34. - Have a great broadcast.
- You, too, darling.
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35. Good evening.
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36. This is the weekend edition
of WBC News at 6:30.
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37. I'm Ron Burgundy.
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38. And I'm Veronica Corningstone.
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39. Our top story tonight.
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40. The U.N. today announced
sanctions against...
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41. When the broadcast is over,
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42. send these two up to my office.
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43. Time to make a change.
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44. Rumor has it that after 35
years of manning the helm,
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45. Mack Tannen is thinking
about stepping down.
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46. That's right.
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47. Do you...
Do you think we could be...
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48. We could be getting
the Nightly News, Ron?
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49. I think that's exactly
what's about to happen.
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50. Oh, my God. That's
what's happening, isn't it?
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51. - Do you know what this means?
- Yes, I do.
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52. Our lives will be changed forever.
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53. Forever.
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54. We can finally buy
that speed boat.
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55. - We could.
- We could have twenty kids.
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56. Or two.
We could have two children.
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57. You can constantly be pregnant.
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58. With a surrogate.
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59. What's a surrogate?
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60. Oh, my sweet,
mouth-breathing goon.
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61. My lightly sautéed veal outlet.
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62. Oh, my giant asshole.
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63. Mr. Tannen,
you are an inspiration, sir.
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64. I've been doing the evening
news now for over 35 years.
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65. - Done a hell of a job.
- Yes, sir.
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66. A hell of a job!
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67. I've covered assassinations,
wars, famines, plagues.
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68. Never good.
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69. I have a nasty pill addiction.
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70. You should try switching to alcohol.
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71. It's really great.
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72. The point is,
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73. this is a very demanding job.
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74. Yes.
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75. But I'm close to thinking that
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76. you may have what it takes.
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77. Now, let me look at you.
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78. Oh, my God.
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79. What are you?
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80. Finnish?
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81. Oddly enough,
I'm 90% Chicano, 10% Inuit.
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82. None of that is true, Ron.
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83. Well, I'm Dutch-German with
a dash of Cherokee.
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84. I'm so nervous.
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85. You can take her for
a test drive if you like.
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86. That's a one spicy meatball, huh!
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87. Sorry.
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88. All right.
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89. We're about to make
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90. network news history.
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91. - Veronica.
- Yes?
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92. You're going to be the
first female full-time
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93. network news anchor.
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94. - Oh, my goodness!
- I knew it.
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95. And you, Mr. Burgundy...
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96. Thank you, yes. The first
left-handed baritone.
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97. - Mr. Burgundy.
- Yes?
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98. You're fired.
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99. Come again?
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100. Fired.
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101. I'm sorry, it just didn't work out.
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102. You don't seem sorry.
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103. You are the worst anchorman
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104. I have ever seen.
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105. But what did I do wrong?
Name one thing.
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106. The injured police officer was
immediately transferred
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107. to an amber-lance.
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108. Amboolance
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109. An am... Ambrulance.
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110. I can't say it. You ever have that?
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111. A word you can't get?
I have trouble with broccoli.
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112. Broccoli has always been hard
for me to say. Broccoli.
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113. The slain civil rights leader
was eulogized...
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114. Oh, wow! Did you see that?
Right on the lens!
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115. That doesn't happen every day.
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116. That's a lot of bacteria.
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117. I'm sorry, sweetie,
you're the best. Quick kiss.
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118. Fuck's sake.
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119. Now, I know this is tricky,
given your relationship,
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120. so I'm going to give you
the evening to think about it.
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121. I forbid it!
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122. You forbid it? What?
Who are you? Julius Caesar?
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123. Who the hell is Julius Caesar?
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124. Do you mean Dr. J.? Dr. Julius
Caesar the basketball player?
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125. You... Be quiet.
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126. Mom?
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127. I'm sorry, Mr. And Mrs. Burgundy.
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128. He no go to sleep.
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129. Christ, Lupita!
What are you doing downstairs?
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130. Stay in your quarters.
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131. Mommy? Daddy? Why are you
yelling at each other?
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132. Did Dad drink too
much white wine again?
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133. Walter, honey, why don't you
just go to bed, all right?
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134. Mommy and Daddy are
just having a discussion.
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135. No! He needs to hear this.
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136. He's six years old. He's a man.
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137. Walter, listen to me.
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138. Are you looking at me? Walter!
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139. Walter! Walter!
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140. - He's looking at you, Ron.
- Okay, I can't tell.
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141. Life isn't a fairy tale. Okay?
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142. It's not "Let's play Candy Land
and take a three-hour dump. "
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143. It's complicated.
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144. It's about getting a paycheck
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145. and keeping a gun
out of your mouth.
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146. - He is a child, Ron!
- Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah!
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147. He's got hair on his nugs.
He's old enough to hear this.
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148. Sometimes in life, you're
going to have to drink
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149. a big, fat, stinking bowl
of hot, frothy horse piss!
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150. - Am I getting through to you?
- Ron!
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151. I don't want to drink horse piss!
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152. Walter, honey, it's okay. All right.
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153. This is some sort of metaphor
that your father is using.
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154. It's going to be hot,
and frothy, and pungent,
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155. and it's going to spill down
the front of your shirt...
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156. Stop it, Ron!
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157. People are going to
be laughing at you!
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158. Oh, they'll be laughing!
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159. I don't want to drink foamy,
hot horse piss!
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160. Oh, yes, you will.
You will gulp it down.
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161. And then, ironically,
you'll develop a thirst
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162. as if you were alone
in the Sahara Desert.
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163. It'll be the only thing on your mind.
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164. "Got to have more horse piss. "
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165. One time, Fidel Castro made
my father drink horse piss.
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166. Lupita, you are not
helping the situation.
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167. Is Castro going to make me
drink horse piss?
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168. Damn it, Ron!
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169. It happens all over the world.
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170. We will never, ever
make you drink hot horse piss.
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171. I promise you that.
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172. Listen, son, I've heard
those same exact words!
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173. And guess what? I always
have to drink the horse piss!
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174. He's right. I always have to
drink the horse piss.
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175. I will lock you in a closet.
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176. Burns your throat coming down
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177. and it burns your keester coming out.
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178. I don't want to drink horse piss!
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179. Veronica, here's the bottom line.
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180. It's a very simple decision.
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181. It's either me or the job.
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182. It doesn't have to be a choice, Ron.
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183. Don't do this.
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184. Don't throw away everything
that we've worked so hard for.
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185. Me
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186. Or the job.
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187. Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the 3:10
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188. Dolphin Show at Sea World.
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189. Sponsored by Enron.
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190. Enron, meeting your energy needs
now and forever.
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191. Here's your host, Ron Burgundy.
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192. Good afternoon, everyone.
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193. And welcome
to world-famous Sea World,
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194. here in San Diago, California.
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195. Folks, you're going to learn
a lot about sea life today.
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196. You're also going to learn
a lot about human despair.
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197. And your teacher's going to be me.
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198. You're also going to learn that in a pinch
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199. you can fit an entire ham sandwich
in your butt crack.
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200. So you can sample it
because they only give you
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201. a 15 minute smoke break here.
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202. Let's bring out
our world-class trainers here,
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203. Jesse and Paula.
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204. Thank you. Thank you, Ron.
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205. I'd like to train you two lil' honeys
how to give me
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206. a world class spanking.
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207. You know there's
no drinking on the job, Ron.
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208. I'm aware of that, Missy.
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209. There's also another rule
here at Sea World,
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210. no being a bitch on the job.
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211. Okay-
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212. So, let's say hello
to the stars of the show,
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213. Chippy and Roo-roo!
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214. The rat of the ocean, the dolphin.
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215. Look, they're swimming
and doing tricks!
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216. Folks, what do you expect?
They're dolphins.
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217. What did you say?
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218. Oh, really? You're a big man.
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219. You want to go?
I'll punch you in the face.
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220. He said he was going to
punch a dolphin.
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221. You're a punk, Ron Burgundy!
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222. Hey, you want to see
the other dolphin show?
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223. It's right here in my pants.
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224. Children and animals hate you,
Ron Burgundy!
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225. Go ahead, yell all you want!
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226. Unhand me, you buffoons!
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227. All right, first, you gave a gin and tonic
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228. to the sea otters
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229. and then you stuck your dick
in the sea anemone display.
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230. You're fired, you washed-up drunk!
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231. Guess what, Trevor?
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232. Every morning I get here early
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233. and rub my private parts
with a sea cucumber.
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234. This is the end of the road.
I'm not turning back.
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235. I don't know if I'll vacate my bowels.
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236. It's the only time I've ever hung myself.
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237. It's too late, Baxter.
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238. My final words?
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239. Tell the people that I said...
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240. "Firetruck. " I'm drawing a blank.
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241. It's okay, you're a dog.
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242. People won't expect you
to remember it word for word.
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243. Goodbye, my sweet hairy prince.
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244. Evonne Goolagong's feminine napkin!
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245. Mr. Burgundy?
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246. Hello, I... Oh, my God!
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247. What the hell happened?
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248. I tried to hang myself?
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249. Because my life's a mess?
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250. And I saw no other option?
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251. I think you're telling the truth,
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252. but why are you saying it
like you're lying?
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253. Because you're a stranger.
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254. And I don't want you to judge me.
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255. Yeah, but...
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256. it happened right before
you walked in. You missed it.
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257. Oh, well. 'Cause it happened. Yeah.
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258. So...
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259. These are first-rate flapjacks.
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260. I'm telling you,
suicide makes you hungry,
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261. I don't care what anyone says.
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262. My name is Freddie Shapp,
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263. and I'm a producer
of a new kind of news.
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264. We're starting a 24-hour news channel.
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265. First of its kind!
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266. GNN. The Global News Network.
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267. That is, without a doubt,
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268. the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
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269. You mean news going 24 hours
around the clock?
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270. A channel that's never off,
in other words?
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271. Yeah. Yeah. Just 24 hours.
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272. Freddie Shapp, you are a fucking idiot.
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273. Mr. Burgundy, I assure you
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274. we are 100% for real.
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275. We've got state-of-the-art
facilities in Manhattan.
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276. And Kench Allenby, multi-millionaire
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277. and owner of Koala Airlines.
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278. I saw Kench Allenby play
at the Bob Hope Classic.
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279. He hit a wedge from 130 out,
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280. he put it on the head of a quarter.
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281. That guy Can Way-
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282. He's funding the whole network.
He believes in it.
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283. Here.
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284. This is your first week's salary.
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285. By the oversized nipples of Della Reese!
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286. We've got a whole news team
ready for you.
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287. Sports, weather and
a top-notch investigative reporter.
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288. This is a young guy
I never heard of. Bob Costas.
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289. This guy, we'll get
his gap fixed, Letterman.
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290. And Jennings. He's a young kid,
but they're hungry.
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291. I don't think you understand, Freddie.
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292. When my wife turned her back on me
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293. by letting me turn my back on her
for fulfilling her dreams,
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294. I knew the news game was over for me.
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295. No. You were put on this Earth
by God Almighty
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296. to be a news man.
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297. How dare you think about
depriving the people of that?
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298. The Ron Burgundy I used to
love to watch on TV,
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299. he wouldn't take this lying down.
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300. What do you say, Ron?
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301. I'll take the job.
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302. And I swear to you
I'll be number one again.
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303. I'll get my son back,
I'll restore my reputation
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304. and make things right with Veronica.
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305. But more importantly,
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306. I'll do what God put me
on this Earth to do.
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307. Be famous.
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308. Ron... You've made my day.
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309. I won't be using these jerk offs, though.
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310. I've got the best damn
news team in the world.
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311. - Your call.
- I just have to find them.
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312. San Diago. Looks like we begin
our search right here at home.
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313. Last I heard, Champ Kind was fired
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314. for being drunk on the air
and saying that Asians
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315. can't play baseball 'cause
they're always squinting.
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316. - Who loves chicken? You do!
- We do!
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317. Delicious chicken swing on through
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318. Meet the crew, hoo-hoo!
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319. I'm local San Diego legend Champ Kind,
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320. and I believe in two things:
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321. Good chicken, and that
if Jesus had a sidearm
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322. he wouldn't have been crucified.
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323. So swing on by and grab a wing.
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324. 'Cause when you do,
you'll say, "Whammy!"
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325. Bring your own liquor.
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326. All right, there you go.
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327. One Whammy Special,
with Whammy Slaw.
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328. There's a used Band-Aid
in my coleslaw.
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329. My gosh, let me take care of that.
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330. Get out of here before
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331. I smash your head in,
you Commie bastard!
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332. If you're from the census,
you take me off your list!
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333. You never did have much
of a bedside manner, Champ.
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334. Ron? Ron Burgundy?
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335. - Get over here!
- How are you, friend?
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336. God, I have longed for you.
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337. - It's good to see you, too.
- Oh, this feels like home.
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338. - Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine. Better now.
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339. Okay, let's break the huddle here, huh?
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340. Okay. All right.
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341. You get back here!
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342. Don't be weird!
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343. So, Harken sits me down
to have a man to man.
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344. I really don't remember much of it.
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345. I was told later, I guess
I took a swing at him.
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346. I had a knife in my pocket,
he got stabbed pretty deep.
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347. I set a fire somewhere.
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348. There was something dripping on me,
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349. now I got this nasty head wound.
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350. Turned out, I guess, I got in
a fight with some of the crew.
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351. Okay.
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352. Anyway, I was pretty insistent
I got on the air,
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353. but as you can understand,
Ed had to let me go.
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354. His hands were tied in that situation.
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355. Fortunately, on the way out the door,
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356. I fake a work injury.
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357. With the settlement, I bought this place.
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358. Well, I'm glad to see you
landed on your feet, Champ.
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359. Listen, can I ask you a question?
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360. Sure. Anything.
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361. Is... Is this chicken?
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362. Oh, hell, no.
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363. It's really impossible to turn a profit
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364. if you serve real chicken.
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365. - Yeah. We use mainly bats.
- What?
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366. Yeah. But the good quality kind.
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367. That's the most horrible thing
I've ever heard.
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368. Yeah? You got to do
what you got to do, right?
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369. So what you got to do
is serve fried bats?
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370. Yep.
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371. Can I ask you, is there
a recipe for the seasoning?
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372. The seasoning's the great secret,
we use road salt
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373. and ashes from a crematorium.
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374. - Champ.
- It's crazy good.
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375. It's crazy wrong.
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376. If you don't like that,
you don't even want to know
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377. what the French fries are made out of.
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378. You're sure as hell right.
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379. - I'm going to tell you anyway.
- Please don't.
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380. Worms, grubs and camel feces
as a binding agent.
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381. This is a horror show.
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382. Why don't you have a bite
and stop judging it.
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383. I'm not going to bite into a fried bat.
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384. - It's delicious.
- It's all tendon. Look at it.
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385. Was that a bat?
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386. One gets loose about once a week.
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387. Hey, what brings you here, Ron?
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388. My friend, we've got a job.
In New York City.
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389. Whammy!
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390. That's the best news
I've heard since I found out
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391. you can get high off insect repellent.
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392. You've got yourself a sportscaster.
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393. Oh, great.
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394. Denny!
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395. Lock up!
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396. Any idea where Brian Fantana is?
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397. You haven't heard?
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398. Fantana hit the big time.
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399. Oh, yeah, you're a dirty
little thing, aren't you?
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400. Yeah, that's it. Just play around.
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401. Roll around like you're on the bed.
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402. Hey, I'm not here.
No one's here. You're alone.
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403. Do what you do when you're alone.
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404. What's going on? What is this?
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405. What are these balls in my face?
That's it.
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406. What are these giant balls in my face?
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407. Yeah, play with them.
Swat them around.
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408. That's it. I'm not here.
None of us are here.
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409. Do your thing. That's it.
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410. You're not getting any better than that.
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411. - That's brilliant!
- Yeah, yeah.
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412. Hey, Brian, you have any time
for the little people?
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413. - Hey, Brian.
- Champ! How you doing?
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414. Hey!
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415. - Wow. This is a...
- Cool it!
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416. No, but what I have found is that,
you know, you give a oat
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417. a lot of Amaretto, strangely enough,
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418. and they'll sit still for quite a while.
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419. Oh, hey, look at this one,
this one's great.
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420. The experience of shooting
that one was transcendent.
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421. So much so that I can confidently
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422. look into the eyes
of any woman and say,
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423. "You know what, I know
what childbirth is like. "
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424. And I bet you a woman
would like to hear that.
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425. Look at that little guy in the fish bowl.
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426. I gotta say, it's really great
and, of course,
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427. it's just so funny.
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428. Yeah. Sad ending to this one though.
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429. Poor little guy snapped his neck
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430. when I was trying to get him
out of the fish bowl.
Copy !req
431. Stupid. I used tongs. Salad tongs.
Copy !req
432. I don't know why
I didn't just use my hand.
Copy !req
433. Seems like you could've just
tipped the jar on its side
Copy !req
434. and let him crawl out on his own leisure.
Copy !req
435. Yeah, hindsight is 20/20.
Copy !req
436. You know they call cats
Copy !req
437. chicken of the freeway underpass.
Copy !req
438. - What?
- Don't indulge him.
Copy !req
439. I never heard that.
Copy !req
440. Not a lot of bones in cats.
Copy !req
441. You could probably just get right at it.
Copy !req
442. You need to stop, my friend.
Copy !req
443. We don't eat cats
around these parts, Champ.
Copy !req
444. That's a blast.
Copy !req
445. And this one's coming out today.
Cat Fancy magazine.
Copy !req
446. But not just the magazine.
In church rec rooms,
Copy !req
447. school binders, everywhere.
Copy !req
448. It's the biggest launch we've ever had.
Copy !req
449. So why are you guys here, anyway?
Copy !req
450. Well, Brian,
Copy !req
451. we're getting the news team
back together again.
Copy !req
452. Really?
Copy !req
453. And, of course, we want
to know if you'll join us.
Copy !req
454. Jeez, I don't know.
Copy !req
455. I kind of got the world
by the tail here. I...
Copy !req
456. I don't know if I can.
Copy !req
457. I get it. Christ.
Copy !req
458. You're the Akira Kurosawa
of cat photographers.
Copy !req
459. Why would you leave all this?
Copy !req
460. Brian! Brian!
Copy !req
461. The cover's out!
Copy !req
462. Oh, okay.
Copy !req
463. This is not good.
Copy !req
464. It's a typo.
Copy !req
465. I have to point out that
technically speaking
Copy !req
466. a pussy is a cat.
Copy !req
467. - I know.
- That's true.
Copy !req
468. But I never spend $100
on a lobster dinner
Copy !req
469. for a kitty cat.
Copy !req
470. Oh, no! We're all going to die!
Copy !req
471. Thanks, Champ.
Copy !req
472. I'm not used to driving
these multi-axle vehicles.
Copy !req
473. The question still remains...
Copy !req
474. Where's Brick Tamland?
Copy !req
475. You guys didn't hear?
Copy !req
476. No, what happened?
Copy !req
477. Brick's...
Copy !req
478. Dead.
Copy !req
479. Brick was lost at sea about a year ago.
Copy !req
480. Thought he saw a bird
and he swam out to pet it.
Copy !req
481. He never came back.
Copy !req
482. We all loved Brick.
Copy !req
483. Sweet Brick.
Copy !req
484. One time he introduced me
to his parents
Copy !req
485. who were clearly younger than him.
Copy !req
486. Skip and Donna Tamland.
Copy !req
487. - They were teenagers.
- And they were Asian.
Copy !req
488. Yes, they were.
Copy !req
489. He'll long be remembered and
he'll be sorely missed.
Copy !req
490. Thank you, Reverend.
Copy !req
491. Oh, come on!
Copy !req
492. Really?
Copy !req
493. Brick loved to put his feet into pita bread
Copy !req
494. because they're like socks
except you can eat them.
Copy !req
495. What?
Copy !req
496. It is hard for me to believe
that he is gone.
Copy !req
497. I feel that I just saw him yesterday.
Copy !req
498. You were probably talking
to yourself in a mirror.
Copy !req
499. Why? Why?
Copy !req
500. Why did you take him from us?
Copy !req
501. You're clearly standing
in front of us, Brick.
Copy !req
502. Brick is dead!
Copy !req
503. - No, Brick's alive.
- Brick is dead!
Copy !req
504. - Look at him!
- He's not dead.
Copy !req
505. He's not dead, Brick. You're not dead.
Copy !req
506. - You're Brick!
- Brick, it's you!
Copy !req
507. He's dead!
Copy !req
508. No! You are Brick! Touch yourself.
Copy !req
509. - I am Brick?
- Yes!
Copy !req
510. - I'm alive?
- Yes!
Copy !req
511. Of course.
Copy !req
512. Of course you are.
Copy !req
513. You kind of want to slug him.
You want to slug him.
Copy !req
514. I went to pet the bird but it was fast.
Copy !req
515. So I kept swimming.
Copy !req
516. After a week I landed in
an island called Aloha.
Copy !req
517. Moses on a Vespa.
Copy !req
518. He swam all the way to Hawaii.
Copy !req
519. I married a lady
Copy !req
520. and people paid me to catch bad guys
Copy !req
521. who didn't go to court.
Copy !req
522. You were a bounty hunter in Hawaii
for the past year?
Copy !req
523. Yes. I was a bangy hunger
in Y past gear...
Copy !req
524. You've got a Hawaiian wife?
Copy !req
525. Yes, her name's Lanai.
We have six kids.
Copy !req
526. Six kids, you were only gone a year?
Copy !req
527. I'm a bangy hunger.
Copy !req
528. You can be a diaper salesman
in Duluth for all I care.
Copy !req
529. It's just great to get the news team
back together again.
Copy !req
530. Hot damn.
Copy !req
531. Do you remember
our Easter trip to San Francisco?
Copy !req
532. And we took that helicopter tour
Copy !req
533. and Brick said, "I wish I could fly. "
Copy !req
534. And we said,
"Why don't you try?" Boom.
Copy !req
535. I couldn't fly!
Copy !req
536. He was flapping his arms
the whole way down.
Copy !req
537. I ruptured my pancreas.
Copy !req
538. Remember the time I took
Champ's mom to the hospital
Copy !req
539. and then we hit it off
and I gave her gonorrhea?
Copy !req
540. Champ's mom got the clap.
Copy !req
541. - Oh, my God.
- She was pissed.
Copy !req
542. Fantana's a dirty dog.
Copy !req
543. I'll tell you something, she was 78
Copy !req
544. but she didn't look a day over 74.
Copy !req
545. Get rid of the walker and the eye patch,
Copy !req
546. I'll tell you, she ain't bad looking.
Copy !req
547. Good to go.
Copy !req
548. Best part of it all,
she actually fell in love with Brian.
Copy !req
549. - How is she doing?
- She died yesterday.
Copy !req
550. Oh, that stinks. Tell her I said "hi. "
Copy !req
551. Well, I can't because she's dead now.
Copy !req
552. - Oh, "dead" dead.
- Dead.
Copy !req
553. She passed away.
Copy !req
554. Gonorrhea?
Copy !req
555. You don't die from gonorrhea.
Copy !req
556. You suffer quite a bit.
Copy !req
557. Here's the real kicker,
Copy !req
558. and you guys are going to lose it.
Copy !req
559. Do you know what her last words were?
Copy !req
560. "Tell Brian I always loved him. "
Copy !req
561. Well, tell her I said hi.
Copy !req
562. No, I can't. She's not alive.
Copy !req
563. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
564. How about the time when I was born
Copy !req
565. and I came out of the vagina?
Copy !req
566. And I was screaming,
Copy !req
567. "Here I come. Here I come, Mom. "
Copy !req
568. How could we, Brick, we weren't there.
Copy !req
569. We're telling stories involving
Copy !req
570. the entire news team from the past.
Copy !req
571. Oh, what about the time
when we were in the Binewago
Copy !req
572. and Ron told me that
I wasn't telling the story right?
Copy !req
573. There you go. That's pretty good.
Copy !req
574. - That was about all of us.
- Not really.
Copy !req
575. Man, this just feels right!
The news team is back!
Copy !req
576. Ron,
Copy !req
577. Brian, Brick, me, even Baxter!
Copy !req
578. He's naked.
Copy !req
579. Hey, Ron, who's driving?
Copy !req
580. Oh, it's okay, it's on cruise control.
Copy !req
581. Who wants some chimichangas, huh?
Copy !req
582. Best thing I ever did was install
Copy !req
583. this deep fryer in the 'bago.
Copy !req
584. Hey, Ron. Cruise control
just regulates speed,
Copy !req
585. it doesn't steer.
Copy !req
586. Come again?
Copy !req
587. Is that a pool of blood or urine I'm in?
Copy !req
588. These are the guys you hired?
Copy !req
589. Hey, Freddie! Pardon the appearance.
Copy !req
590. Quick tip: never put
a deep fryer in your Winnebago.
Copy !req
591. No, no, Brick. No. There we go.
Copy !req
592. Here we are. Welcome to GNN.
Copy !req
593. I don't know, Ron.
You sure about this place?
Copy !req
594. Guys, I know it's a bit
of a mess, but trust me,
Copy !req
595. everything will be ready
for the launch tomorrow.
Copy !req
596. We've culled the whole country
for the best newsmen.
Copy !req
597. There's Curtis Knightfish from Houston.
Copy !req
598. Oh, Curtis Knightfish.
Copy !req
599. They don't get any better than that.
Copy !req
600. One night Knightfish and I got so drunk
Copy !req
601. we drank the fluid
from six Magic 8 Balls.
Copy !req
602. Never got the answer.
Copy !req
603. You had to go to the hospital
for that, right?
Copy !req
604. Oh, yeah, I lost a kidney.
Copy !req
605. There's Diane Yahwea
from Carson City.
Copy !req
606. You know what they call her?
"All the Way Yahwea. "
Copy !req
607. Yeah! She won a Pulitzer.
Copy !req
608. And the best in the biz.
Jack Lime, out of Chicago.
Copy !req
609. Rumor is Allenby is giving him
one mil a year.
Copy !req
610. That's crazy. Who's worth
that kind of money?
Copy !req
611. Oh, my God!
He's absolutely magnificent!
Copy !req
612. I betcha that brother bags a lot of p.
Copy !req
613. - I'd like to pee on him.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
614. Wait. What?
Copy !req
615. I bet the inside of his mouth
is even beautiful.
Copy !req
616. Can I help you, guy?
Copy !req
617. What was that?
Copy !req
618. I said, "Can I help you, guy?"
Copy !req
619. What do you mean?
Copy !req
620. Well, you're staring at me, hotshot.
Copy !req
621. Do you want my autograph?
Copy !req
622. No, he was just explaining
Copy !req
623. who you were and I was looking at you.
Copy !req
624. And then he said something
Copy !req
625. and I was still looking at you.
Copy !req
626. Jack Lime is a great man!
Copy !req
627. Is that what I sound like when I talk?
Copy !req
628. I guess that's funny. I mean...
Copy !req
629. - That is you.
- I sometimes sound like that, I guess.
Copy !req
630. Hey, Slugger!
Copy !req
631. What's feeding time
for that mustache of yours?
Copy !req
632. Brick, what are you doing
laughing over there?
Copy !req
633. - Get back over here.
- Get over here.
Copy !req
634. Come on, Brick.
Copy !req
635. So, anyways, that's Jack Lime.
Copy !req
636. Come on, guys. Let's go meet the boss.
Copy !req
637. We'll have separate cameras
Copy !req
638. for you, and then sports
and then weather.
Copy !req
639. Let me ask you this, Freddie,
how's the new head honcho?
Copy !req
640. Well, Linda Jackson
has a shelf full of Emmys.
Copy !req
641. She's tough as nails.
And Linda loves to win.
Copy !req
642. Oh, hey, Linda!
Copy !req
643. I want to introduce you to Ron Burgundy.
Copy !req
644. Linda Jackson. How are you, my friend?
Copy !req
645. Ron.
Copy !req
646. This is Linda Jackson.
Copy !req
647. Hello, Mr. Burgundy.
Copy !req
648. Black.
Copy !req
649. Black.
Copy !req
650. Black.
Copy !req
651. You're choking on something.
Copy !req
652. I'm terribly sorry.
Copy !req
653. I don't know why I can't stop saying...
Copy !req
654. Black. The word "black. "
Copy !req
655. Hello, Mr. Burgundy.
Copy !req
656. - Black.
- Black.
Copy !req
657. - Black.
- Black.
Copy !req
658. Stop saying "black. "
Copy !req
659. If I keep my mouth open,
I just won't say it.
Copy !req
660. Donna, can you please
get me a cup of coffee?
Copy !req
661. - Right away, Ms. Jackson.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
662. Hey, Donna. Make the coffee black.
Copy !req
663. - Please be seated. Everyone.
- Sure.
Copy !req
664. Please be seated.
Copy !req
665. Can you take a seat on the sofa?
Copy !req
666. Come on, guys, it's not preschool.
Copy !req
667. Sit on the furniture.
Copy !req
668. They were trying to be
deferential, I think.
Copy !req
669. Great. So I know
that all of you are aware
Copy !req
670. that the news community is laughing
Copy !req
671. at what we're trying to do
here at 24-hour news.
Copy !req
672. But that is why they brought me in.
Copy !req
673. Listen, I feel like I
need to clear the air.
Copy !req
674. Oh, please don't.
Copy !req
675. I want you to know, on behalf
of the news team,
Copy !req
676. we are huge supporters of all
Copy !req
677. African and Americans.
Copy !req
678. I like lions. But not to touch.
Copy !req
679. I remember the first African
and American I ever saw.
Copy !req
680. It's African-American.
Copy !req
681. - Are you sure?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
682. Absolutely 100% positive? It isn't like...
Copy !req
683. Ron...
Copy !req
684. - Fish and chips?
- African 'n' American?
Copy !req
685. Like an "n" with an apostrophe?
Copy !req
686. Please just stop it.
Copy !req
687. Linda, guess what movie
I watch every Christmas?
Copy !req
688. Little Darlings with Kristy McNichol?
Copy !req
689. Six Pack starring Kenny Rogers?
Copy !req
690. A modern classic.
Copy !req
691. Carrot.
Copy !req
692. Carrot? I'm not familiar with that film.
Copy !req
693. It's really, really good.
Copy !req
694. I put on my comfy slippers and
pour myself a cup of nog
Copy !req
695. and watch The Wiz.
Copy !req
696. Judy Garland who? The Wiz
makes the real Wizard of Oz
Copy !req
697. its bitch.
Copy !req
698. Hey, we're all the same color
on the inside. Pink.
Copy !req
699. With a little bit of brown and
a little bit of white.
Copy !req
700. Milky yellow.
Copy !req
701. Look, I don't care what color you are,
Copy !req
702. black, green, yellow, brown...
Copy !req
703. Just as long as you act white.
Copy !req
704. Jesus, this is the worst meeting
I've ever been in.
Copy !req
705. A black man follows me
everywhere when it's sunny.
Copy !req
706. Actually, I think that's
your shadow, Brick.
Copy !req
707. I call him Leon.
Copy !req
708. He's about half as tall as I am
Copy !req
709. depending on what time of day it is.
Copy !req
710. He likes to play the timpani
Copy !req
711. and he is a water-colorist.
Copy !req
712. What happens to him
when it gets cloudy outside?
Copy !req
713. Leon goes away.
Copy !req
714. It's your shadow.
He's talking about his shadow.
Copy !req
715. Shut your damn mouths! Sit down!
Copy !req
716. What's he doing?
Copy !req
717. I think you scared him.
You can't shout at Brick.
Copy !req
718. Is he all right?
Copy !req
719. Do you have a red umbrella or a kitten?
Copy !req
720. No.
Copy !req
721. Something soft and squishy?
Copy !req
722. No.
Copy !req
723. Brick, get up,
we're going to watch Carrot.
Copy !req
724. Yeah, Brick,
do you want to watch Carrot?
Copy !req
725. Carrot's on?
Copy !req
726. That's all it takes.
Copy !req
727. - Is this for real, Freddie?
- Linda, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
728. No, it's okay! It's okay.
Copy !req
729. So you have a black boss,
and it's freaking you out.
Copy !req
730. Is it freaking you out?
Copy !req
731. Oh, my gosh, yes.
Copy !req
732. Yes, we're feeling uncomfortable.
Copy !req
733. This freaking you out?
Copy !req
734. Just take my wallet.
Copy !req
735. I don't give a shit!
Copy !req
736. We're not all here to hold hands
and sing Kumbaya.
Copy !req
737. So as long as you guys get numbers,
Copy !req
738. we are gonna get along just fine.
Copy !req
739. Now, if you don't, I am gonna be icy.
Copy !req
740. And unpleasant, you dig?
Copy !req
741. I dig.
Copy !req
742. What does that mean?
Copy !req
743. Could be a dance.
Copy !req
744. We dig. We're no jive turkeys.
Copy !req
745. Yup, we dig it.
Copy !req
746. Well, if you gentlemen will
please excuse yourselves,
Copy !req
747. I'm going to fry me some hush puppies
Copy !req
748. and do me a little dance
Copy !req
749. and go hang out with my boyfriend,
Copy !req
750. the basketball player who
has a humongous donkey.
Copy !req
751. We hope you two
have a wonderful time.
Copy !req
752. That was a joke.
Copy !req
753. Of course it was!
Copy !req
754. I knew it. I knew she was joking.
Copy !req
755. Get out.
Copy !req
756. What team do you think
the fella plays for?
Copy !req
757. No, no, she was kidding.
She made it clear.
Copy !req
758. That's why I made jokes about us.
Copy !req
759. Guys. Guys, I got you an apartment
Copy !req
760. on the Upper East Side
and a whole new wardrobe.
Copy !req
761. That's wonderful! When
do we begin our broadcast?
Copy !req
762. Well, the big launch is tomorrow
Copy !req
763. - at 12:00 noon.
- Okay.
Copy !req
764. You guys are slotted for
the 2:00 a. M. to 5:00 a. M. slot.
Copy !req
765. What? That's the graveyard shift!
Copy !req
766. "I ain't afraid of no ghost. "
Copy !req
767. This is a real shocker, Freddie.
Copy !req
768. Hey, after that meeting,
Copy !req
769. you're lucky you weren't fired!
Copy !req
770. You wouldn't
stop saying the word black.
Copy !req
771. I'm of the right mind to march
right back in there and ask
Copy !req
772. for a different time slot.
Copy !req
773. - That's a good idea.
- Okay, okay.
Copy !req
774. I'll let you go in
if you can just not say black.
Copy !req
775. - Black. Nope.
- See.
Copy !req
776. - She did it too.
- She did what?
Copy !req
777. A two-way street.
Copy !req
778. Yeah, double-edged sword here.
Copy !req
779. It's a two-way double-edged sword.
Copy !req
780. It's only one way.
Copy !req
781. - That clears it up.
- Great.
Copy !req
782. Let's get your keys. Come on!
Copy !req
783. Is there booze in the apartment?
Copy !req
784. Of course there's gonna be booze.
Copy !req
785. What are you doing, Chani? Answer it!
Copy !req
786. Hi. Yes, let me transfer you.
Copy !req
787. Your job is to answer the phones.
Copy !req
788. I'm getting ready for Secret Santa.
Copy !req
789. When is that again?
Copy !req
790. It's at Christmastime.
When else would it be?
Copy !req
791. Yeah.
Copy !req
792. Merry Christmas.
Copy !req
793. Thanks.
Copy !req
794. One time I threw a pool ball
as hard as I could,
Copy !req
795. straight up into the air,
and then forgot I threw it.
Copy !req
796. I started to eat a tomato
from my back pocket,
Copy !req
797. then the pool ball came down
and hit me in the head.
Copy !req
798. It hurt so much I ran around screaming,
Copy !req
799. "Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!"
Copy !req
800. I love stories about France.
Copy !req
801. I love stories where skeletons
play the piano.
Copy !req
802. I'm Brick. I was dead last week.
Copy !req
803. I'm Chani.
Copy !req
804. I like the parts of your face
Copy !req
805. that are covered with skin.
Copy !req
806. Your hair looks like
wet popcorn in a fishing net.
Copy !req
807. I just get out of the shower
and burn it a little.
Copy !req
808. Can you do this?
Copy !req
809. That's good.
Copy !req
810. - I liked this.
- Me too.
Copy !req
811. - What we did.
- Yeah?
Copy !req
812. - You.
- And you.
Copy !req
813. You're very pretty.
Copy !req
814. Come on, Brick.
Copy !req
815. Damn it, Chani! I'm not
picking up that phone again.
Copy !req
816. You pick it up!
Copy !req
817. - You pick it up, Chani!
- No.
Copy !req
818. Chani, not today. No, not today, Chani.
Copy !req
819. - It's been a tough day.
- ... really crazy day.
Copy !req
820. For everybody.
Copy !req
821. - I think I'm pregnant.
- No. You're not pregnant.
Copy !req
822. You said it a number of times.
I don't think it's true.
Copy !req
823. - My water broke.
- No, it didn't.
Copy !req
824. You spilled water
from that glass on the ground.
Copy !req
825. Chani.
Copy !req
826. Okay, from here on out, starting now,
Copy !req
827. when the phone rings, you pick
up the phone. You say hello.
Copy !req
828. Hello. I'm going to transfer you.
Copy !req
829. It didn't ring that time,
Chani. Nobody was there.
Copy !req
830. Nobody was there.
Copy !req
831. Surprise! Big Daddy's back.
Copy !req
832. Ron.
Copy !req
833. What are you doing here?
Copy !req
834. I'm over at GNN.
I'm living in the city again.
Copy !req
835. I really wish that
you would have called first.
Copy !req
836. Look, it doesn't matter whose
fault the break-up was, okay?
Copy !req
837. I was stubborn.
Copy !req
838. You were all slutty with Mack Tannen
Copy !req
839. slinging your ass around in that office.
Copy !req
840. I played it with calm, cool integrity.
Copy !req
841. But who cares?
We're not keeping score.
Copy !req
842. What's your point, Ron?
Copy !req
843. The point is...
Copy !req
844. I'm back home.
Copy !req
845. And I want to spend the rest of my life...
Copy !req
846. Honey, who is it?
Copy !req
847. Hi, Ron. I'm Gary, Veronica's lover.
Copy !req
848. It's okay. It's the '80s.
Copy !req
849. She's your ex. She's my lover.
Copy !req
850. Let's go inside.
Copy !req
851. Why are you smiling so much?
Copy !req
852. Because I'm happy.
Because we're lovers.
Copy !req
853. - Okay.
- I'm sorry.
Copy !req
854. No one's that happy.
Copy !req
855. - Would you like to come in?
- Do you want to come in?
Copy !req
856. Great. And I have no problem
with your situation.
Copy !req
857. So, is that a gift for me, Ron?
Copy !req
858. No, it's not.
Copy !req
859. It's for Walter.
Copy !req
860. Okay.
Copy !req
861. So when were you going
to tell me about Gary?
Copy !req
862. Ron. You walked out on me.
What did you expect me to do?
Copy !req
863. Just sit here and
wait for you to come back?
Copy !req
864. Here's a news flash.
You would have been waiting for
Copy !req
865. the rest of your life
because we are done.
Copy !req
866. All right. Good.
Copy !req
867. In fact, I've a got a new lover.
Copy !req
868. Oh, what's her name?
Copy !req
869. My lady?
Copy !req
870. Her name is...
Her name's Rick Volcano.
Copy !req
871. Really? Her name's Rick Volcano?
Copy !req
872. Yes, she's from Easter Island!
Copy !req
873. Okay.
Copy !req
874. Ron, this is awkward I know.
Copy !req
875. Sitting here with your wife.
We make love.
Copy !req
876. I'm this close to taking an ax handle
to that face of yours.
Copy !req
877. Oh, Ron!
Copy !req
878. So what does this Gary
do for a living, huh?
Copy !req
879. Have you done
a background check on him?
Copy !req
880. Gary is actually one
of the most successful
Copy !req
881. psychologists in all of Manhattan, Ron.
Copy !req
882. Really sweet.
Copy !req
883. Are you reading my mind right now?
Copy !req
884. Ron, do you even know
what a psychologist is?
Copy !req
885. Yes. Yes, I do, Gary.
Copy !req
886. You perform in nightclubs
with a dummy on your lap.
Copy !req
887. You make his mouth move.
You're so believable.
Copy !req
888. Actually I have respect for your talent.
Copy !req
889. I don't know how you do it
Copy !req
890. because you're talking out
of the side of your mouth
Copy !req
891. and yet it sounds like the dummy's...
Copy !req
892. You bring that dummy to life.
Copy !req
893. Do you really think that a psychologist
Copy !req
894. is a ventriloquist?
Copy !req
895. Fuck you.
Copy !req
896. Ron!
Copy !req
897. - It's okay.
- You stop that!
Copy !req
898. He's externalizing. That's okay.
Copy !req
899. - No, it's not okay.
- He's mad.
Copy !req
900. You knew I was going
to throw that punch
Copy !req
901. 'cause you're reading my mind!
Copy !req
902. Mom! I'm home!
Copy !req
903. - Hey, little guy.
- Hey, darling.
Copy !req
904. - Hi, Walter.
- Hey, Dad.
Copy !req
905. I missed you!
Copy !req
906. Walter, your father has a gift for you.
Copy !req
907. I have a gift specifically for you, Walter.
Copy !req
908. There's a little card on there.
Copy !req
909. Do you want to read it, kiddo?
Copy !req
910. Yes. Show us how well
you're doing in school.
Copy !req
911. "To my dearest sex angel. "
Copy !req
912. Okay, I actually believe that
that's for me.
Copy !req
913. Hold on. Let the boy finish.
Copy !req
914. - Ron.
- There's more.
Copy !req
915. "I long once again to be
intertwined in your limbs.
Copy !req
916. "Exchanging hot breath with you.
Copy !req
917. "I want to have another child with you. "
Copy !req
918. Mom, I didn't know
little boys could have babies.
Copy !req
919. No, darling. I believe that
letter was for someone else.
Copy !req
920. Go ahead, open up your gift.
Copy !req
921. There you go.
Copy !req
922. Yes, Gary.
Copy !req
923. Okay, that's actually for me, Walter.
Copy !req
924. No, it's not. It's for Walter.
It's a superhero costume.
Copy !req
925. What is it?
Copy !req
926. It's "Lace Man. "
It's a brand new superhero.
Copy !req
927. I'm going to be Lace Man!
Copy !req
928. Look, Ron. Joint custody isn't easy.
Copy !req
929. But what we need to do is
Copy !req
930. rally around this little guy
right now, okay?
Copy !req
931. That's never gonna happen.
Copy !req
932. Excuse me?
Copy !req
933. Because you, Veronica,
are unfit to be a mother!
Copy !req
934. Need I remind you, Ron,
Copy !req
935. that you tried to put
our six-year-old son on welfare?
Copy !req
936. He's a perfect applicant!
Copy !req
937. He's unemployed. If it wasn't
for us he'd be homeless.
Copy !req
938. Do you ever hear yourself?
Copy !req
939. All right, let's keep it civil
in front of the boy.
Copy !req
940. It's bad enough his mother
pulled a train on KISS:
Copy !req
941. - I was in college!
- Get your things! Let's go.
Copy !req
942. Fine. I'm out of here.
Copy !req
943. - Don't have to tell me twice.
- Get your things.
Copy !req
944. - We'll see you guys later.
- Yes, you will.
Copy !req
945. Goodbye, Dad! Thanks for the present.
Copy !req
946. Goodbye, Walter. My little man.
Copy !req
947. You promise to do good in school, okay.
Copy !req
948. Okay.
Copy !req
949. And stay away from the he-shes
down in the Bowery.
Copy !req
950. Ron. I don't think that's appropriate.
Copy !req
951. I'll tell you, those fellas,
they got the looks,
Copy !req
952. they got curves, they got the chi-chi's,
Copy !req
953. they smell great,
Copy !req
954. and then at some point
in the evening you realize
Copy !req
955. Jacqueline isn't Jacqueline,
she's a Jake.
Copy !req
956. Okay.
Copy !req
957. Then you got a decision.
Copy !req
958. You're either going to be rude
or belly up to the bar
Copy !req
959. for a couple of more belts
and make the best of it.
Copy !req
960. Do you hear what I'm saying, Walter?
Copy !req
961. Yes, I do.
Copy !req
962. Plug it in, Scotty, let it go.
Copy !req
963. Ladies and gentlemen,
Copy !req
964. we are officially connected to the world!
Copy !req
965. Wow!
Copy !req
966. Look at all those other
countries and people...
Copy !req
967. Makes you feel small.
Copy !req
968. Hundreds of thousands of people,
Copy !req
969. all speaking jibber-jabber,
Copy !req
970. not understanding a word of each other,
Copy !req
971. yet somehow interconnected.
Copy !req
972. It's a big world!
Copy !req
973. It's a big world
Copy !req
974. Much, much bigger
than you'd ever think
Copy !req
975. It's a big world
Copy !req
976. Full of cities,
Copy !req
977. mountains and lots
of different stinks
Copy !req
978. There's brown people
White people
Copy !req
979. - Yellows
- Even reds!
Copy !req
980. A thousand ways for
the word donut to be said
Copy !req
981. - There's tacos, sushi
- Chop suey, pita bread
Copy !req
982. Big world Big world
Copy !req
983. Anyone who says it's small
should be kicked in the head!
Copy !req
984. There's karate people!
Copy !req
985. Big world!
Copy !req
986. Scarfy headed ladies
Copy !req
987. Big world
Copy !req
988. Ladies having private time
Copy !req
989. Big world
Copy !req
990. A skinny guy!
Copy !req
991. Big world
Copy !req
992. Wait a minute.
You're not black or Asian.
Copy !req
993. What are you?
Copy !req
994. I'm gay.
Copy !req
995. Hey! You forgot to whisper.
Copy !req
996. I'm not hiding it. I'm openly gay.
Copy !req
997. "Openly gay"? I'm not familiar
with that term.
Copy !req
998. I'm not ashamed of who I am and
Copy !req
999. I decided to tell everyone.
Copy !req
1000. I'm having a hard time wrapping
my head around this one.
Copy !req
1001. Do you eat gay food?
Copy !req
1002. What's the gayest food you can name?
Copy !req
1003. Kiwis.
Copy !req
1004. - Do you sleep in a coffin?
- No, that's vampires.
Copy !req
1005. Are you allowed to be out in the sun?
Copy !req
1006. - Those are also vampires.
- Are you a vampire?
Copy !req
1007. No, I'm gay.
Copy !req
1008. If someone puts a pill in your
drink, can they turn you gay?
Copy !req
1009. Maybe temporarily.
Copy !req
1010. Where do you get those pills?
Copy !req
1011. I wonder what it'd be like to
be gay... Just for a day?
Copy !req
1012. If I was gay for a day
Copy !req
1013. There's nothing I wouldn't say
Copy !req
1014. That's the gay way
Copy !req
1015. If I was gay for a day
I'd go all the way
Copy !req
1016. With GUYS
Copy !req
1017. That's the gay way
Copy !req
1018. I'd wear a cowboy hat
A nice three-piece suit
Copy !req
1019. I'd talk about sports
and have a nice drink
Copy !req
1020. Champ. That's kind of what you do now.
Copy !req
1021. That's the gay way
Copy !req
1022. If I was gay for a day
I'd get bitten by a spider
Copy !req
1023. And then I would have
the powers of that spider
Copy !req
1024. I'd climb walls
I'd shoot web from my wrists
Copy !req
1025. And I'd save the girl in distress
Copy !req
1026. Gay! Gay! Gay!
Copy !req
1027. I think he thinks
gay means being Spider-Man.
Copy !req
1028. I don't know how you would
confuse those two things.
Copy !req
1029. It's a big world Big world
Copy !req
1030. Much bigger than you think
Copy !req
1031. Big, big, big, big, big, big,
big, big, big, big, big
Copy !req
1032. Big, big-...
Copy !req
1033. World
Copy !req
1034. Launch in five! Let's get back to work.
Copy !req
1035. - Better go check the AP wire.
- Yeah. Haven't got much time.
Copy !req
1036. I'm gonna check the box scores.
Copy !req
1037. There's Lime!
Copy !req
1038. Look at him. He's a goddamn prince!
Copy !req
1039. Man, there's just something
about him, you know?
Copy !req
1040. I'd give anything to be friends with him.
Copy !req
1041. I don't see what
the big deal is, you know.
Copy !req
1042. He's not that great.
Copy !req
1043. What did you say?
Copy !req
1044. What's that?
Copy !req
1045. I heard you say something.
Copy !req
1046. Oh, what did I say? Oh, nothing.
Copy !req
1047. Oh, no. I heard you say something.
Copy !req
1048. He said you're not that great!
Copy !req
1049. Brick!
Copy !req
1050. Is that what you said about me?
Copy !req
1051. - He's coming over here.
- I know!
Copy !req
1052. I'm gonna rip this guy in half.
Copy !req
1053. No, no, no! Just give me
a little piece of him.
Copy !req
1054. Jack, look, it's just...
Copy !req
1055. Here's the thing, the guys,
they just go gaga over you
Copy !req
1056. and I don't know, I felt jealous.
Copy !req
1057. Yeah, tough guy.
Copy !req
1058. You feeling tough today, huh?
Are you a big man?
Copy !req
1059. Oh, I'm not a big man.
Copy !req
1060. Look, I said some stupid stuff
and it'll never happen again.
Copy !req
1061. Oh, my God, are you going to cry?
Copy !req
1062. You're going to cry.
Copy !req
1063. He's going to cry. Everyone,
look at his face! Am I wrong?
Copy !req
1064. He's going to cry, isn't he?
Copy !req
1065. No, I'm not about to cry.
Copy !req
1066. Oh, come on, cry! Do it!
Do it, please do it! Cry.
Copy !req
1067. - Are you going to cry, Ron?
- No!
Copy !req
1068. Cry! Cry! Cry!
Copy !req
1069. Man, oh, man, I'm so happy
he's not picking on me.
Copy !req
1070. 3, 2, 1, cry! 3, 2, 1, cry!
Copy !req
1071. Shut up! Just shut up!
Copy !req
1072. Just shut your mouth... Jack Lame!
Copy !req
1073. Yeah, Mr. Butt Vagina
has got some fight in him.
Copy !req
1074. This is bullying and everyone knows it!
Copy !req
1075. You just called him Jack Lame.
That's not nice.
Copy !req
1076. He just called me Butt Vagina!
Copy !req
1077. It's funny,
aren't you the guy who...
Copy !req
1078. lost his job to his wife?
Copy !req
1079. Shouldn't you be doing her makeup?
Copy !req
1080. All right, guys, that's enough.
Copy !req
1081. No, shut up, Freddie!
Copy !req
1082. Let me handle this one.
Copy !req
1083. - You listen to me.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1084. I bet you that we beat
your ratings tonight.
Copy !req
1085. I'm sorry. I'm trying to keep it together.
Copy !req
1086. No, no, no. Don't do this.
You're on at 2:00 a. M.
Copy !req
1087. Jack has prime time!
Copy !req
1088. Maybe... No. Hey, Freddie, no, no. Hey.
Copy !req
1089. I'll take that bet. What are the stakes?
Copy !req
1090. If we lose, I'll leave New York.
Copy !req
1091. And I'll never read the news again.
Copy !req
1092. Stop going "Ooh. "
Copy !req
1093. And if by some snowball's
chance in hell
Copy !req
1094. Mr. Mustache here
Copy !req
1095. pulls a miracle out of his ass?
Copy !req
1096. You change your name
to Jack Lame! Legally.
Copy !req
1097. I like this! You're on, Stretch.
Copy !req
1098. Everyone heard him?
Copy !req
1099. - Freddie, you heard him?
- Yeah. I heard him.
Copy !req
1100. - This is on like Pong.
- Okay. Good.
Copy !req
1101. Why? Why did you make that bet, Ron?
Copy !req
1102. We've got the graveyard shift!
We don't have a chance!
Copy !req
1103. - Cry! Cry! Cry! Cry!
- Brick.
Copy !req
1104. Everyone did it.
It's actually a mean thing.
Copy !req
1105. Good day, everyone! Well, yeah,
I'm Kench Allenby.
Copy !req
1106. But this 24-hour news station,
this is history.
Copy !req
1107. This is like Columbus
discovering the New World.
Copy !req
1108. In the case of Australia, my motherland,
Copy !req
1109. mad rapists and thieves
Copy !req
1110. being dragged to some
devil island in chains.
Copy !req
1111. Getting homesick.
Copy !req
1112. But our captain on
this incredible voyage
Copy !req
1113. is the best newsman in America,
Mr. Jack Lime!
Copy !req
1114. Go get 'em, Jack!
Copy !req
1115. - Didgeridoo!
- He's such an Aussie.
Copy !req
1116. I love this guy.
Copy !req
1117. You know this bloke here,
he is the best man I've ever met.
Copy !req
1118. And you know, as I've always said,
Copy !req
1119. if Jack Lime doesn't like you,
well then, brother,
Copy !req
1120. you're a real piece of shit.
Copy !req
1121. Good luck to Jack Lime!
Copy !req
1122. Go get 'em, Jack! Go get 'em!
Copy !req
1123. Thank you. And good luck
to Ron Burgundy, too.
Copy !req
1124. Getting nervous there, compadre?
Copy !req
1125. Let's do this.
Copy !req
1126. Did you see him spin
on that desk? So great.
Copy !req
1127. All right. Quiet on the floor, please.
Copy !req
1128. What a day.
Copy !req
1129. I bit into the donut and
it was full of shit.
Copy !req
1130. All right.
Copy !req
1131. All right. We're up.
Here we go, here we go.
Copy !req
1132. In five, four,
Copy !req
1133. three, two...
Copy !req
1134. Good day, and welcome to GNN.
Copy !req
1135. Thank you for joining us
on what we believe to be
Copy !req
1136. a whole new era of news.
Copy !req
1137. I'm Jack Lime, your guide
for this journey of events
Copy !req
1138. we humbly call
Copy !req
1139. 24-hour news.
Copy !req
1140. Today's top story, Mount St. Helene.
Copy !req
1141. Oh, this is just a gimmick.
It's a flash in the pan.
Copy !req
1142. Really? Just remember you said that
about margarine, Tony.
Copy !req
1143. Residents are being asked
to evacuate the area...
Copy !req
1144. That Jack Lime is one hell of an anchor.
Copy !req
1145. He actually slept with two of
my daughters but he is good.
Copy !req
1146. Let's see here.
Copy !req
1147. "Global temperatures rise half a degree,
Copy !req
1148. "alarm climate scientists. " Boring.
Copy !req
1149. "China could dominate
Copy !req
1150. "the world economy in the next decade. "
Copy !req
1151. We run that story and
you'll be hungry a half hour later.
Copy !req
1152. Anyone else?
Copy !req
1153. I got some nonsense here about
the Iran Hostage Crisis.
Copy !req
1154. I feel like a nap.
Copy !req
1155. What's this? Save 12 cents on
macaroni and cheddar dinner.
Copy !req
1156. Brick, I believe that's a coupon.
Copy !req
1157. I think I've got
a really good story here, guys.
Copy !req
1158. "During my mid-morning bath
Copy !req
1159. "I could feel the gardener's
gaze upon me
Copy !req
1160. "through the open bathroom window. "
Copy !req
1161. But that's Penthouse Forum.
Copy !req
1162. You just interrupted him!
Copy !req
1163. It's a really good story, Freddie.
Copy !req
1164. It's not news.
Copy !req
1165. It's news to me.
Copy !req
1166. Okay, so obviously this is
a waste of time. I'm done.
Copy !req
1167. All we're trying to do here, Freddie,
is make the news less boring,
Copy !req
1168. and you act like we took a runny dump
Copy !req
1169. in your fishing boots.
Copy !req
1170. The news is supposed
to be boring, Ron!
Copy !req
1171. This is serious stuff.
Copy !req
1172. You're the one
that made this stupid bet!
Copy !req
1173. I just don't know why
we have to tell the people
Copy !req
1174. what they need to hear.
Copy !req
1175. Why can't we just tell them
what they want to hear?
Copy !req
1176. Wait, wait, wait.
Copy !req
1177. Say that again.
Copy !req
1178. Tell them want ear. Feed to ear.
Copy !req
1179. No, I was talking to Ron.
Copy !req
1180. I said, why do we have to tell the people
Copy !req
1181. what they need to hear?
Copy !req
1182. Why can't we just tell them
what they want to hear?
Copy !req
1183. And what do they want to hear, Ron?
Copy !req
1184. That we live in the greatest
country God ever created.
Copy !req
1185. - Damn straight!
- Made him happy.
Copy !req
1186. And we should do stories on patriots.
Copy !req
1187. Diet fads or
favorite Halloween costumes.
Copy !req
1188. Why blondes have more fun.
Copy !req
1189. And serious investigative pieces,
Copy !req
1190. about how much ejaculate
is on hotel duvets.
Copy !req
1191. And only the best sports highlights.
Copy !req
1192. Home runs, slam dunks,
touchdowns and no soccer.
Copy !req
1193. I like the Wind!
Copy !req
1194. Brick's right. People love hurricanes.
Copy !req
1195. Tornados, earthquakes, floods,
Copy !req
1196. we'll throw Brick right
in the middle of it.
Copy !req
1197. No, this goes against every rule
Copy !req
1198. of broadcast journalism I know.
Copy !req
1199. Freddie, my old friend
Pat Summerall once told me,
Copy !req
1200. "You've got to break a few eggs
Copy !req
1201. "when you're swinging a sledge hammer
Copy !req
1202. "down at the bus station. "
Copy !req
1203. Damn straight! Let's break stuff!
Copy !req
1204. We got 10 hours till we go on.
Copy !req
1205. We'll only need eight!
Copy !req
1206. - Is that candy?
- I don't know.
Copy !req
1207. It is candy.
Copy !req
1208. - I like you.
- I like you.
Copy !req
1209. Tell me something about you.
Copy !req
1210. Well, I never have to get a haircut
Copy !req
1211. because my hair naturally sheds.
Copy !req
1212. I can throw a football
110 yards in the air
Copy !req
1213. and catch it.
Copy !req
1214. When I expel gas it wiffles or waffles,
Copy !req
1215. I call it a farg.
Copy !req
1216. What about you?
Copy !req
1217. My name is Chani Lastnamé.
Copy !req
1218. I'm an old-fashioned girl,
I believe in romance.
Copy !req
1219. I am related to a puppet.
Copy !req
1220. If you wanted me to, I would
grow a beard by tomorrow.
Copy !req
1221. Chani, I just got these phone
messages from last week.
Copy !req
1222. You mailed them to me?
Copy !req
1223. How else was I gonna get them to you?
Copy !req
1224. You hand them to me.
Copy !req
1225. You are the dumbest person
I've met in my entire life,
Copy !req
1226. and that is not an exaggeration.
Copy !req
1227. That makes me feel bad.
Copy !req
1228. Well, Chani, I'm telling the truth.
Copy !req
1229. Sir.
Copy !req
1230. Get your filthy hands off of her!
Copy !req
1231. Help, help!
Copy !req
1232. My phone messages!
Copy !req
1233. - Leave me alone, lady!
- Not today!
Copy !req
1234. She has rainbow lasers
coming out of her eyes.
Copy !req
1235. Chani, I can see you behind
that desk and you're fired!
Copy !req
1236. Why?
Copy !req
1237. Are you okay?
Copy !req
1238. You saved my life.
Copy !req
1239. She was trying to murder me.
Copy !req
1240. Sometimes it takes one man to
stand up and reclaim the city
Copy !req
1241. and, in doing so, the streets
are red with blood.
Copy !req
1242. When you're around I get
hot swirls in my pantyhose.
Copy !req
1243. And my dangle-down presses
against my zipper.
Copy !req
1244. Can we go to a date?
Copy !req
1245. Yes.
Copy !req
1246. It's okay, Ronny,
you got this. Piece of cake.
Copy !req
1247. The only thing is
everything's at stake here.
Copy !req
1248. Your career, your child,
literally everything.
Copy !req
1249. You got it though.
Copy !req
1250. Oh, did you hear?
Copy !req
1251. Evan said there's some
strange copy in the prompter.
Copy !req
1252. If I gave a shit I'd call
someone. But I don't...
Copy !req
1253. So let's go.
Copy !req
1254. Ron Burgundy and his news team
Copy !req
1255. had made a few groundbreaking
discoveries through the years.
Copy !req
1256. They had invented the bread bowl
Copy !req
1257. and laminated porn mags.
Copy !req
1258. But the new brand of news,
or info-tainment,
Copy !req
1259. they were about to unleash,
Copy !req
1260. would forever change history.
Copy !req
1261. Hello, America. It's 2:00 a. M.
Eastern time.
Copy !req
1262. I'm Ron Burgundy,
and tonight's top story is
Copy !req
1263. America. She's the greatest
country in the world.
Copy !req
1264. Heck, the history of the world!
Copy !req
1265. God bless America!
Copy !req
1266. For starters, we kick butt.
Copy !req
1267. Nazi butt. Russian butt.
You show us a butt
Copy !req
1268. and we take the boot to it.
Copy !req
1269. If you like to whine and bitch
about all the things
Copy !req
1270. wrong with America,
Copy !req
1271. go swim your ass across
the Atlantic Ocean to China!
Copy !req
1272. That is one handsome devil.
Copy !req
1273. Indeed.
Copy !req
1274. Some experts say silicone
breast implants are dangerous,
Copy !req
1275. unhealthy and degrading to women,
Copy !req
1276. I say, in my most journalistic way I can,
Copy !req
1277. bring on the fun bags.
Copy !req
1278. Now, Brian, I read somewhere
Copy !req
1279. that the early prototypes
of the breast implant
Copy !req
1280. were actually filled with taco meat.
Copy !req
1281. Well, I don't know,
I don't know the specifics
Copy !req
1282. but I do know they are still testing
Copy !req
1283. with all sorts of material.
Copy !req
1284. Pudding, whipped cream...
Copy !req
1285. Tuna fish.
Copy !req
1286. Nickels.
Copy !req
1287. Okay, if you wanted a heavier breast.
Copy !req
1288. I like the news!
Copy !req
1289. Whammy! Whammy!
Copy !req
1290. Whammy! Whammy! Whammy!
Copy !req
1291. Whammy!
Copy !req
1292. Back to you, Ron.
Copy !req
1293. Brick? Brick, can you hear me?
Copy !req
1294. I can't hear you, Ron!
Copy !req
1295. Okay, but you're answering
the question,
Copy !req
1296. so I think you can hear me.
Copy !req
1297. No, I can!
Copy !req
1298. Brick, do you think there is any danger
Copy !req
1299. to the average person out there?
Copy !req
1300. I'm afraid that this wind is so strong
Copy !req
1301. that babies are going to be
Copy !req
1302. ripped out of their mother's arms
Copy !req
1303. and be into the lion cages.
Copy !req
1304. Sounds horrifying!
Well, there you have it.
Copy !req
1305. Mother Nature can be
a stone cold killer!
Copy !req
1306. What the hell was that?
Copy !req
1307. Freddie loaded it. I just hit it on cue.
Copy !req
1308. It's kinda cool.
Copy !req
1309. And for our eighth and final
animal story of the night,
Copy !req
1310. it looks like residents
of North Yulk, Montana,
Copy !req
1311. have found the cutest little patriot
Copy !req
1312. on God's green earth.
Copy !req
1313. Look at that little guy!
Copy !req
1314. So funny and so adorable.
Copy !req
1315. For all of us here at GNN,
I'm Ron Burgundy.
Copy !req
1316. Stay classy and stay strong, America.
Copy !req
1317. And we're out!
Copy !req
1318. Wow!
Copy !req
1319. I couldn't take my eyes
Copy !req
1320. - off the screen!
- Yes.
Copy !req
1321. You were electric, Ron! Whammy!
Copy !req
1322. That just felt right! That felt right!
Copy !req
1323. I was outside!
Copy !req
1324. You sure were, Brick. Wonderful job.
Copy !req
1325. Everyone did. Wonderful.
Copy !req
1326. Amazing. Great job.
Copy !req
1327. What the hell was that?
What the hell was that?
Copy !req
1328. Hey, hey, hey. Take it easy, Linda.
Copy !req
1329. We were just trying something new.
Copy !req
1330. You changed the format
of the entire show
Copy !req
1331. without consulting me?
That's unacceptable!
Copy !req
1332. Damn straight, sister.
Copy !req
1333. We just done went and brought it!
Copy !req
1334. Get out! You are all
terminated immediately.
Copy !req
1335. If you were a man, I'd knock you out.
Copy !req
1336. Oh, really? Well, go ahead!
Copy !req
1337. Take a swing! Take your best shot!
Copy !req
1338. I have five brothers,
Copy !req
1339. and two of them are defensive
backs in NFL, so come on!
Copy !req
1340. - You want me to do it?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1341. This thing's not gonna feel good.
Copy !req
1342. I'm going to make that
mustache of yours all bloody!
Copy !req
1343. Ron, just do what men have been doing
Copy !req
1344. for thousands of years
Copy !req
1345. and punch the woman.
Copy !req
1346. Here comes the Toledo Express.
All aboard!
Copy !req
1347. Ron! No!
Copy !req
1348. I didn't do it! Get off me!
Copy !req
1349. Mama, your baby's hurt.
Copy !req
1350. Your baby.
Copy !req
1351. What is that sound you're making?
Good Lord!
Copy !req
1352. You sound like a balloon.
Copy !req
1353. Pull yourself together, man.
Copy !req
1354. My binky. I need my binky.
Copy !req
1355. Get him his goddamn binky!
Copy !req
1356. Security!
Copy !req
1357. Hey! Get him out of here!
Copy !req
1358. And you know what, you too, Freddie!
Copy !req
1359. I thought you were
more professional than this.
Copy !req
1360. Is this because I'm white?
Copy !req
1361. It's not because you're white,
it's because you suck!
Copy !req
1362. I know exactly what apartheid feels like!
Copy !req
1363. Bugger me with a didgeridoo.
Copy !req
1364. We knew we'd struggle to start,
Copy !req
1365. but these ratings are lower
than I'd even imagined.
Copy !req
1366. Thank God for the 2:00 a. M. spike.
Copy !req
1367. It really saved our whole launch.
Copy !req
1368. Spike? What are you talking about?
Copy !req
1369. What spike?
Copy !req
1370. Burgundy. Who's Ron Burgundy?
Copy !req
1371. No, no, no, this can't be right.
Copy !req
1372. His team start at a 0.2,
and then they finish at a 5.6?
Copy !req
1373. That's unbelievable!
They tripled Jack Lime's numbers!
Copy !req
1374. How is that even possible?
Copy !req
1375. Well, guys, it goes without saying,
Copy !req
1376. I owe you gentlemen an apology.
Copy !req
1377. I dragged you out here and this thing
Copy !req
1378. was a disaster from the word "Go. "
Copy !req
1379. No, Ron, don't you beat yourself up.
Copy !req
1380. Yeah, it's all right, Ron.
Copy !req
1381. Gin.
Copy !req
1382. Champ, my friend,
what's in store for you?
Copy !req
1383. Well, my doctor's been at me
to get another liver transplant.
Copy !req
1384. Champ, how many liver transplants
Copy !req
1385. does that make now?
Copy !req
1386. This will be the fourth one.
Copy !req
1387. Champ deep fried the other three
and sewed them at his restaurant.
Copy !req
1388. You know I did.
Copy !req
1389. And what about you, Brick?
Copy !req
1390. What's next for
the great Brick Tamland?
Copy !req
1391. I am going to win the Olympics.
Copy !req
1392. Well, I highly doubt you're going
to compete in the Olympics.
Copy !req
1393. If you were though, what sport?
Copy !req
1394. The kicking.
Copy !req
1395. The Olympic sport of kicking?
Copy !req
1396. Maybe that's brand new.
Copy !req
1397. What about you, Ron? What do
you think you're going to do?
Copy !req
1398. I've got some exciting
investment opportunities
Copy !req
1399. I'm going to look into.
Copy !req
1400. It's funny, I got a call
the other day from some clowns
Copy !req
1401. who are trying to start up a business
Copy !req
1402. where they take water and
put it in little plastic bottles,
Copy !req
1403. regular water, okay,
nothing special about it.
Copy !req
1404. They put it in plastic bottles
Copy !req
1405. and they're going to sell it for a dollar.
Copy !req
1406. A dollar a bottle.
Copy !req
1407. If you get a call
from Fred and Gina Sparkletts,
Copy !req
1408. run for the hills.
Copy !req
1409. Guys?
Copy !req
1410. Hey.
Copy !req
1411. I got some news.
Copy !req
1412. Freddie, we don't exactly want to hear
Copy !req
1413. - the word "news" right now.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1414. You're right. Forget it.
Forget I was even here.
Copy !req
1415. Forget that GNN wants you back.
Copy !req
1416. For a prime time slot and a raise in pay.
Copy !req
1417. What's your deal, Freddie?
Quit yanking our crotch hoses.
Copy !req
1418. No. I'm not yanking your...
Copy !req
1419. Your ratings went through the roof.
Copy !req
1420. People love what you did.
Copy !req
1421. You're a success!
Copy !req
1422. Get it? You're a great, big, fat success!
Copy !req
1423. By the back acne of Brett Somers!
Copy !req
1424. It's total crap
Copy !req
1425. and they can't stop watching!
Copy !req
1426. The news team
had been famous in San Diego,
Copy !req
1427. but that was small time
compared to New York.
Copy !req
1428. And they were about to have
a sloppy, drunken ride
Copy !req
1429. down the gin-slickered
waterslide that is fame.
Copy !req
1430. That'll do it for all of us here at GNN.
Copy !req
1431. Thank God for the events,
thank me for the news.
Copy !req
1432. I'm Jack...
Copy !req
1433. Lame.
Copy !req
1434. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Copy !req
1435. More graphics, okay?
Copy !req
1436. Brick loves the colors.
Copy !req
1437. But there's already a lot.
Copy !req
1438. Hey, you heard the man. More graphics.
Copy !req
1439. Yeah, don't sass me, beardo!
Copy !req
1440. Finish and ask a question here,
for God's sake!
Copy !req
1441. Can Father Ron please shut
his mouth for just half a second?
Copy !req
1442. There's something new
on the New York social scene.
Copy !req
1443. It's fun, relatively benign
and costs about as much
Copy !req
1444. as a soda pop at the local drugstore.
Copy !req
1445. Here's Brian Fantana on
why everyone who is someone
Copy !req
1446. is lining up to smoke crack.
Copy !req
1447. Now, Brian, I understand
we have some crack
Copy !req
1448. and we're going to smoke it
right here in the studio.
Copy !req
1449. I don't know if we can get a shot of that.
Copy !req
1450. What is that? Did you know
they were going to have that?
Copy !req
1451. - No.
- Get in here, Champ.
Copy !req
1452. I'll tell you, I love cocaine
Copy !req
1453. so if this is anything like that...
Copy !req
1454. Oh, then you're going to love crack!
Copy !req
1455. Now what are we doing here?
Copy !req
1456. We're going to take
some of these rocks...
Copy !req
1457. Okay.
Copy !req
1458. Now what you're going to do is
you're going to
Copy !req
1459. put your crack rock in the glass pipe.
Copy !req
1460. I'll pack it in there.
Brick, do you want any crack?
Copy !req
1461. Sorry, I'm afraid of fire.
Copy !req
1462. Now what am I doing here?
Copy !req
1463. Stuff that rock in your pipe
Copy !req
1464. and then you're going
to want to point your pipe up
Copy !req
1465. towards the heavens as if you're saying,
Copy !req
1466. "Thank you, God,
for giving me this crack. "
Copy !req
1467. Okay.
Copy !req
1468. You feel that right away.
Wow, that's good!
Copy !req
1469. That's an immediate state of euphoria.
Copy !req
1470. You'll be surprised,
the effect, it happens very...
Copy !req
1471. You just want more and more
and more and more and more.
Copy !req
1472. Brian, hey listen, my mom's
got this diamond necklace
Copy !req
1473. and I'll sell it to you
if I can get some more.
Copy !req
1474. They're actually enjoying it.
Copy !req
1475. Of course they're enjoying it. It's crack.
Copy !req
1476. What's that? Stop!
Copy !req
1477. Oh, apparently the police are here.
Copy !req
1478. The police are here? Really?
Copy !req
1479. For Ron Burgundy and
my whole crack news team...
Copy !req
1480. I just made that up.
Copy !req
1481. That was a good one, Ron.
That's actually a very good one.
Copy !req
1482. You should write that down.
Is that written?
Copy !req
1483. Well, we got it recorded now.
That's great!
Copy !req
1484. Well, now we know, guys,
you can't smoke crack on live television.
Copy !req
1485. Please come in and shut the door.
Copy !req
1486. If this is about sweeps,
Copy !req
1487. I think Brian Fantana
found an outstanding story.
Copy !req
1488. It's about airplane parts
Copy !req
1489. that are falling off of
airplanes out of the sky
Copy !req
1490. and hitting the ground, people.
Copy !req
1491. We're calling it "Death From Above. "
Copy !req
1492. We might do some interviews
with airline stewardesses,
Copy !req
1493. in bikinis, to get their viewpoint.
Copy !req
1494. You. Come here.
Copy !req
1495. I've been watching you.
Copy !req
1496. You have?
Copy !req
1497. I've been watching you a lot.
Copy !req
1498. And you just do whatever you want.
Copy !req
1499. Well, I'm a bit of a maverick, I guess.
Copy !req
1500. You don't follow the format.
Copy !req
1501. You pretty much walk around like...
Copy !req
1502. Like you're king of the world.
Copy !req
1503. I'm just a worker bee. That's all I am.
Copy !req
1504. - You know what?
- What?
Copy !req
1505. I find it hot as shit!
Copy !req
1506. Are you going to hurt me?
Copy !req
1507. Well, it depends. Is that what you like?
Copy !req
1508. God, no. Who wants to be injured?
Copy !req
1509. Have you ever heard
the expression, "Hurts so good"?
Copy !req
1510. Yes, I've always been baffled by it.
Copy !req
1511. The idea of rolling an ankle
Copy !req
1512. or banging your elbow on a coffee table
Copy !req
1513. and deriving pleasure from it,
Copy !req
1514. it's very perplexing to me.
Copy !req
1515. Here's the thing, Mr. Burgundy.
Copy !req
1516. You're a shooting star
and I want to go for a ride.
Copy !req
1517. God, I'm so afraid right now.
Copy !req
1518. Come in.
Copy !req
1519. Linda.
Copy !req
1520. Excuse me, Linda.
Copy !req
1521. Ron, Jack wants to know
Copy !req
1522. if he can go back to
calling himself Jack Lime
Copy !req
1523. instead of Jack Lame.
Copy !req
1524. He's really struggling with it.
Copy !req
1525. No. Can't. It's a bet.
Copy !req
1526. Oh, Jesus!
Copy !req
1527. If you want to change it, you can.
Copy !req
1528. Like what?
Copy !req
1529. Jack Off?
Copy !req
1530. GNN's Jack Off.
Copy !req
1531. Jack... No, that's worse.
You know it's worse.
Copy !req
1532. It sounds like jack off!
Copy !req
1533. Art Areola.
Copy !req
1534. Sounds ethnic. It almost sounds Italian.
Copy !req
1535. Freddie, I can't...
Listen to me, Burgundy.
Copy !req
1536. This is far from over, do you hear me?
Copy !req
1537. I'll see you on the playground.
Copy !req
1538. This
Copy !req
1539. meeting has been
Copy !req
1540. very productive.
Copy !req
1541. You can pick me up at 8:00.
Copy !req
1542. Oh, my God, I think I just
tore my undercarriage.
Copy !req
1543. Oh, man. He's just like me
but he's a cat!
Copy !req
1544. That's a cat?
Copy !req
1545. Oh, Ron. Ron, you are missing
some real high-quality
Copy !req
1546. Garfield laughs over here!
Copy !req
1547. I think our boss just raped me.
Copy !req
1548. What?
Copy !req
1549. I don't know what happened.
Copy !req
1550. But Linda Jackson
got very physical with me.
Copy !req
1551. I knew it. She's probably in a gang.
Copy !req
1552. I mean, there was just a ball of motion
Copy !req
1553. and sweat and hair and noises.
Copy !req
1554. Sounds like she wants you.
Copy !req
1555. Hey, man. The ladies been all over me
since we got crazy famous.
Copy !req
1556. Not to brag or nothing,
Copy !req
1557. but I just gave Sheena Easton crabs.
Copy !req
1558. That is in no way a brag, Brian.
That's horrible.
Copy !req
1559. Hey, it's just doing something
beautiful that two people do.
Copy !req
1560. Except one of them has
microscopic dust mites
Copy !req
1561. all over his penis and testicles.
Copy !req
1562. I'm just saying...
Copy !req
1563. Don't you think that person
should alert their partner?
Copy !req
1564. Semantics.
Copy !req
1565. Sounds to me like it's her fault
Copy !req
1566. for being a randy gal.
Copy !req
1567. I have a date!
Copy !req
1568. - Brick has a date?
- Good for Brick!
Copy !req
1569. What's a date?
Copy !req
1570. A date is simply when
two people get together,
Copy !req
1571. do something social, have a few drinks,
Copy !req
1572. yadda-yadda-yadda...
Copy !req
1573. Take their shirts off...
Copy !req
1574. Then you get sticky.
Copy !req
1575. - Oh, it's okay.
- No, it's a fun thing.
Copy !req
1576. It's fun. It's all right.
Copy !req
1577. Look. Don't worry, Brick,
we got your back, okay?
Copy !req
1578. First things first, we need to
get you a little protection.
Copy !req
1579. There it is. Brian Fantana's
glorious cabinet of condoms.
Copy !req
1580. For you I'm thinking Teddy's Big Stick.
Copy !req
1581. It's the only one that comes
with the Presidential Seal of Approval.
Copy !req
1582. This one will fit right into
her oval orifice.
Copy !req
1583. It's a great condom
Copy !req
1584. for when you're charging up
San Juan Hill,
Copy !req
1585. AKA, a lady's puss.
Copy !req
1586. Particularly good
if you're a Rough Rider.
Copy !req
1587. Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Copy !req
1588. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Copy !req
1589. - Clam Dam.
- Clam Dam.
Copy !req
1590. Clam dam.
Copy !req
1591. Clam dam.
Copy !req
1592. Clam dam.
Copy !req
1593. Clam dam.
Copy !req
1594. It's a non-lubricated condom,
but it'll collect your pearls.
Copy !req
1595. What about Cock Frock?
Copy !req
1596. Cock Frock? It's a full body condom.
Copy !req
1597. And you can paint in it.
Copy !req
1598. Wait a minute.
Copy !req
1599. Sleeve It to Beaver. It's a great condom.
Copy !req
1600. Takes you back to a simpler time
Copy !req
1601. when everything was in black and white.
Copy !req
1602. It's particularly good if you're going in
Copy !req
1603. for the Eddie Ass-kill.
Copy !req
1604. My penis weighs 50 pounds.
Copy !req
1605. No, it doesn't, Brick.
Copy !req
1606. Thirty pounds.
Copy !req
1607. Seventeen pounds.
Copy !req
1608. No, your penis probably weighs
four or five ounces.
Copy !req
1609. Fifty pounds.
Copy !req
1610. So you just went back
to the original number.
Copy !req
1611. Thank you, Ron,
and happy St. Patrick's Day
Copy !req
1612. to all of our Native American friends.
Copy !req
1613. On the big map...
Copy !req
1614. Where's my map?
Copy !req
1615. There's no map, it's just green.
Copy !req
1616. No, there's a map there.
Copy !req
1617. - Look at the monitor.
- Right.
Copy !req
1618. Ron, where's my legs?
Copy !req
1619. - Where are my legs?
- Your legs are there.
Copy !req
1620. I don't have any legs, Ron.
Copy !req
1621. Your legs are fine.
Copy !req
1622. The color of your pants
Copy !req
1623. just matches
the chroma key behind you.
Copy !req
1624. See you're standing right now
on your legs.
Copy !req
1625. Brick, it looks like it's hot in Texas.
Copy !req
1626. Ron, I'm a ghost.
Copy !req
1627. Brick, do you want to do the weather?
Copy !req
1628. - No. No, thanks.
- No?
Copy !req
1629. You want to come back to the weather?
Copy !req
1630. - Nope.
- Nope. Okay.
Copy !req
1631. Ron, tell me what this looks like.
Copy !req
1632. Okay, Brick, it's live television,
my friend.
Copy !req
1633. Why don't we go to commercial break...
Copy !req
1634. It's 50 degrees in this state.
Copy !req
1635. We don't have a commercial lined up.
Copy !req
1636. I'm going to take out my real one.
Copy !req
1637. No, no, no, no, no!
Copy !req
1638. And after I received my Masters
in Journalism from Columbia,
Copy !req
1639. I got a job with the London bureau
for ABC News.
Copy !req
1640. Wow, London.
Copy !req
1641. Arguably one of my favorite
cities in the entire world.
Copy !req
1642. I put it in my top 90,
Copy !req
1643. right in between Omaha
Copy !req
1644. and Jacksonville, Florida.
Copy !req
1645. So, tell me, what are some
of your favorite haunts?
Copy !req
1646. Well, I love it all.
Copy !req
1647. Big Ben. The Tower of London.
Copy !req
1648. Naughty Hill. The Wailing Wall.
Copy !req
1649. Grabbing a sherbet and
walking along the Thames.
Copy !req
1650. It's pronounced "Thames. "
Copy !req
1651. Piccadilly, the Beatles.
Copy !req
1652. The Beatles aren't a place.
Copy !req
1653. The Beatles' Building.
Copy !req
1654. Where the Beatles spent a lot
of their time as young men.
Copy !req
1655. Where they learned how to be a Beatle.
Copy !req
1656. Beatles' Building,
right in downtown London.
Copy !req
1657. Yeah, I was in London for two years
Copy !req
1658. and I never heard of a Beatles' Building.
Copy !req
1659. You got me. I've never been there.
Copy !req
1660. I couldn't even find it on a map.
Copy !req
1661. Mr. Burgundy, are you nervous?
Copy !req
1662. God, yes.
Copy !req
1663. Did I scare you by coming on so strong?
Copy !req
1664. A little bit, sure.
Copy !req
1665. Look, it's not that you're not attractive,
Copy !req
1666. it's just I'm a little old-fashioned.
Copy !req
1667. Well, I am a modern woman.
Copy !req
1668. And let me tell you,
Copy !req
1669. when I see something
that I want, I go for it.
Copy !req
1670. We're going to do this, aren't we?
Copy !req
1671. We most definitely are going to do this.
Copy !req
1672. This is the nicest soda machine
anyone's ever taken me to.
Copy !req
1673. Can I ask you a personal question?
Copy !req
1674. I'm not sure what that is, but yes.
Copy !req
1675. Have you ever kissed anyone?
Copy !req
1676. Do lunch boxes
and sleeping people count?
Copy !req
1677. Of course.
Copy !req
1678. Then, yes. I have kissed
Scooby Doo and Roy.
Copy !req
1679. I tongue-kissed a lawn jockey.
Copy !req
1680. I once pooped in the basement
of the Lincoln Memorial.
Copy !req
1681. The Lincoln Memorial has a bathroom?
Copy !req
1682. No, but they have a basement.
Copy !req
1683. I feel like if I knew how,
Copy !req
1684. I would start to sing
a love song right now.
Copy !req
1685. I feel like I'm about
to watch you start to sing.
Copy !req
1686. I feel like I'm about
to sing a love song to you
Copy !req
1687. And I feel like I'm about to
sing the same love song to you
Copy !req
1688. I don't know how to do it
but I think it starts like this
Copy !req
1689. Do do do la do do
Copy !req
1690. It continues like do do do doo
Copy !req
1691. Because I love you so
Copy !req
1692. And sometimes in a love song
an eagle flies over and goes
Copy !req
1693. Lots of animals are in love songs
Copy !req
1694. You got the eagle, the bunny,
the rabbit, the squirrel
Copy !req
1695. And the bunny goes...
Copy !req
1696. Bunny love in a love song
Copy !req
1697. And we just sang our first love song
Copy !req
1698. Together
Copy !req
1699. I think I'm ready to maybe
try that kiss thing now.
Copy !req
1700. I'll be so careful not to
bite a hole in your cheek.
Copy !req
1701. Hello, Ms. Jackson.
Copy !req
1702. I didn't mean to scare you.
Copy !req
1703. Mr. Allenby, I wasn't expecting you to...
Copy !req
1704. Yeah, no, I know. Neither was I.
Copy !req
1705. But then I heard about this little story
Copy !req
1706. that Ron Burgundy and
Brian Fantana are running.
Copy !req
1707. You see, some of the planes
from my airline
Copy !req
1708. have had parts falling off them lately.
Copy !req
1709. Is it a problem? Yeah.
Copy !req
1710. Is it being fixed? I don't know, probably.
Copy !req
1711. But if that story runs,
then Koala stock will plummet.
Copy !req
1712. We can't just pull the story.
That would be unethical.
Copy !req
1713. We own the news.
We can do whatever we want.
Copy !req
1714. That's one of the perks.
Copy !req
1715. It's called "synergy. "
One company working with another.
Copy !req
1716. Mr. Burgundy may well be
Copy !req
1717. one of the most valuable media tools
Copy !req
1718. that any corporation has ever had.
Copy !req
1719. Everything he says becomes the truth.
Copy !req
1720. So you treat him like
the thoroughbred he is
Copy !req
1721. and, my girl, you could have
a very, very rewarding career.
Copy !req
1722. And who knows, maybe you and I can be
Copy !req
1723. riding thoroughbreds naked off
the coast of Capri.
Copy !req
1724. No.
Copy !req
1725. Okay, you can have pants on.
But we'll be topless.
Copy !req
1726. Mr. Allenby, I'm not going to ride
Copy !req
1727. on thoroughbred horses
with you topless.
Copy !req
1728. Fine, they can be A I Vs.
Copy !req
1729. You can be in a bikini,
Copy !req
1730. and I'll be wearing
my Speedos, swim trunks,
Copy !req
1731. the ol" budgie-smugglers.
Copy !req
1732. Look, I would do this for my career
Copy !req
1733. but I am not sleeping with you.
Copy !req
1734. To synergy-
Copy !req
1735. You seem a little quiet, I must say.
Copy !req
1736. Just so you know, I'm absolutely fine
with going to this family dinner.
Copy !req
1737. They're going to love you.
Copy !req
1738. This is delicious!
Copy !req
1739. So...
Copy !req
1740. How long have you
and Linda been dating?
Copy !req
1741. Mother.
Copy !req
1742. No, it's all right. It's
a logical question.
Copy !req
1743. Ours is a new love,
but it burns very brightly.
Copy !req
1744. When we get together
Copy !req
1745. we're like an Oreo cookie
covered in sweat.
Copy !req
1746. Isn't that right, my Nubian sex princess?
Copy !req
1747. What are you talking about?
Copy !req
1748. I've touched her booty.
Copy !req
1749. I put my hands on that booty.
I have done it.
Copy !req
1750. Oh, now, we don't have conversations
like that over dinner.
Copy !req
1751. What are you doing?
Copy !req
1752. I'm addressing the white elephant
in the room.
Copy !req
1753. I'm breaking down the barriers
Copy !req
1754. of race by assimilation.
That's all I'm doing.
Copy !req
1755. Well, you're coming off like a jerk.
Copy !req
1756. I think it's going well.
Copy !req
1757. We actually don't watch you.
Copy !req
1758. We find what you've done
with the news offensive.
Copy !req
1759. Well, I know
how you're getting your news.
Copy !req
1760. You're going down
to the corner barber shop
Copy !req
1761. and then Lumpy Jones
comes in and says,
Copy !req
1762. "I'd like a haircut today.
Copy !req
1763. "Did you hear what they're doing?"
Copy !req
1764. And then the barber says,
Copy !req
1765. "Lumpy, I ain't talking to you
until you pay your bill.
Copy !req
1766. "You haven't paid this bill
in two months. "
Copy !req
1767. Etcetera, etcetera.
And they tell two friends,
Copy !req
1768. and they tell two friends
and it spreads that way.
Copy !req
1769. What is your problem, man?
Copy !req
1770. Hey, black don't crack, right?
Copy !req
1771. That's what we can at least all agree on.
Copy !req
1772. If you haven't noticed
we don't converse like that.
Copy !req
1773. Okay, okay.
Copy !req
1774. Fair enough.
Look at Big Papa down here.
Copy !req
1775. He's thinking to himself,
Copy !req
1776. "Shit, look at that white pasty cracker
Copy !req
1777. "sittin' at my table, eatin' my food,
Copy !req
1778. "in my house,
Copy !req
1779. "touching my daughter. "
Copy !req
1780. I have. I have touched your daughter.
Copy !req
1781. - Honey!
- We have done things, Papa.
Copy !req
1782. You ain't gonna like!
You ain't gonna like it none!
Copy !req
1783. Oh, my goodness!
Copy !req
1784. I mean when it comes down to it,
Copy !req
1785. I'm just a bad-ass pharaoh
with a big dick and fat wallet.
Copy !req
1786. Linda, I don't understand
what you are doing with him.
Copy !req
1787. Oh, you know what I'm coming
at you with,
Copy !req
1788. you big, black mother of Linda.
Copy !req
1789. Mix it up in a pot! Making it spicy!
Copy !req
1790. Oh, my Lord.
Copy !req
1791. Hey, that's my momma, man.
Copy !req
1792. Hey, can I get an "Amen"?
Copy !req
1793. Can I get an "Amen"?
Copy !req
1794. Seriously though,
folks, can I get an "Amen"?
Copy !req
1795. Please don't do this.
Copy !req
1796. It's fine.
Copy !req
1797. Can any of you crazy-ass
motherfuckers pass me the...
Copy !req
1798. This man is out of here.
Copy !req
1799. - Get out of my house.
- Oh, okay.
Copy !req
1800. Get out of my house, Papa.
Copy !req
1801. Get out of my house!
Copy !req
1802. This is fun. Get out of my house, man.
Copy !req
1803. He's telling you to leave.
Copy !req
1804. Get out of my house!
Copy !req
1805. I must not be saying it right.
Copy !req
1806. Get out of my house, you big dummy!
Copy !req
1807. Get out of my house!
Copy !req
1808. I can't say it much louder.
Copy !req
1809. Get out of my house! Get out!
Copy !req
1810. Now I get it! You want me
to leave the house!
Copy !req
1811. I'm not your big papa!
Copy !req
1812. Stop! Stop! Dad!
Copy !req
1813. I don't think that dinner
could have gone any better.
Copy !req
1814. Are you nuts?
Copy !req
1815. No, I'm not! I had a wonderful evening!
Copy !req
1816. My dad was kicking you in the head!
Copy !req
1817. I thought it was like
being jumped into a gang.
Copy !req
1818. Only with dinner guests!
Copy !req
1819. What?
Copy !req
1820. I hate to pin it on you,
but you did invite me to dinner.
Copy !req
1821. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1822. No, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1823. I just... I'm just under
a lot of stress because...
Copy !req
1824. Because Allenby,
he doesn't want you to do
Copy !req
1825. the story that you're doing for sweeps.
Copy !req
1826. "Death From Above. "
Copy !req
1827. It's an excellent story.
Wonderful expose.
Copy !req
1828. Listen, Ron.
Copy !req
1829. Have you ever heard of synergy?
Copy !req
1830. So your mom thought
we should get together,
Copy !req
1831. spend a little time.
Copy !req
1832. She doesn't think I connect
with you as a child.
Copy !req
1833. Can you believe that bullshit?
Copy !req
1834. Dad, do you like Spider-Man?
Copy !req
1835. Nope, don't care for him. Never have.
Copy !req
1836. Don't like the mask,
Copy !req
1837. the costume, the getup, the webs.
Copy !req
1838. Spider-Man's a poser, son.
Copy !req
1839. What's a poser?
Copy !req
1840. A poser is Gary.
Copy !req
1841. By the way, how is that shit-heel?
Copy !req
1842. What's a shit-heel?
Copy !req
1843. A shit-heel is a real fun term
that you should call Gary
Copy !req
1844. every time you see him.
Copy !req
1845. When he wakes you up
for breakfast say,
Copy !req
1846. "Oh, good morning, shit-heel. "
Copy !req
1847. He'll probably give you
five dollars or some candy.
Copy !req
1848. You're a shit-heel, Dad.
Copy !req
1849. You should just call Gary that
Copy !req
1850. 'cause it makes him really happy.
Copy !req
1851. It makes me sort of happy
but it makes him really happy.
Copy !req
1852. Dad.
Copy !req
1853. Sometimes I hear sounds at night
and I get scared.
Copy !req
1854. I think there's a ghost in my closet.
Copy !req
1855. Now, you listen to me, son.
Copy !req
1856. I'm a grown man, okay. I've done things.
Copy !req
1857. I've been places.
Copy !req
1858. I watched the fall of Saigon
from my hotel room
Copy !req
1859. in Bermuda.
Copy !req
1860. So I have experience,
Copy !req
1861. and I'm going to tell you this right now.
Copy !req
1862. There is no such thing
as ghosts. Case closed.
Copy !req
1863. Thank you, Daddy.
Copy !req
1864. There's no such thing
as ghosts, tree werewolves,
Copy !req
1865. angry store mannequins with dead eyes
Copy !req
1866. who look at you like this.
Copy !req
1867. I'm starting to get scared.
Copy !req
1868. Why? I'm telling you things
that aren't real.
Copy !req
1869. So what's real that's scary?
Copy !req
1870. You really want to know
Copy !req
1871. the one thing you should be afraid of?
Copy !req
1872. Yes, I really do.
Copy !req
1873. - Voodoo.
- Voodoo?
Copy !req
1874. Yes, voodoo.
Copy !req
1875. That shit will mess you up.
And it is 100% real.
Copy !req
1876. Promise me
Copy !req
1877. that you'll never go to Haiti.
Copy !req
1878. I promise, Dad.
Copy !req
1879. This was good. I enjoyed
spending time with you.
Copy !req
1880. Me, too, Dad.
Copy !req
1881. I love you?
Copy !req
1882. What?
Copy !req
1883. Are you trying to say you love me?
Copy !req
1884. No. No.
Copy !req
1885. What do you think I am,
some kind of fruit?
Copy !req
1886. What did you tell him?
Copy !req
1887. I didn't tell him anything.
Copy !req
1888. Well, for one, he called Gary
a shit-heel!
Copy !req
1889. And he hasn't slept for four days!
Copy !req
1890. He keeps talking about tree werewolves.
Copy !req
1891. Ron, listen to me. He is seven years old.
Copy !req
1892. You need to learn to connect
with him in a healthy way!
Copy !req
1893. He has a science fair tomorrow, at 8:00,
Copy !req
1894. and he wants you to be there.
Copy !req
1895. I will be there. All right?
Copy !req
1896. Now, who do you have
for sweeps week?
Copy !req
1897. I'm not discussing
work with you, Ron, okay?
Copy !req
1898. Just be there
at the science fair tomorrow.
Copy !req
1899. Fine!
Copy !req
1900. Well, they're calling it
the interview of the decade.
Copy !req
1901. Veronica Corningstone will
sit down with Yasser Arafat,
Copy !req
1902. the head of the PLO and, some say,
Copy !req
1903. the key to peace in the Middle East.
Copy !req
1904. Of course, Ms. Corningstone is
the ex-wife of Ron Burgundy,
Copy !req
1905. so you know that's got to be
a little stinger for Ronny.
Copy !req
1906. Terry Bradshaw's nipple!
Copy !req
1907. Thank you for watching GNN.
I'm Jack Me-off!
Copy !req
1908. We're going to get crushed
in ratings. Just crushed.
Copy !req
1909. I really thought we had
a chance this time.
Copy !req
1910. What about my
"Death From Above" story?
Copy !req
1911. You better ask Ron about that.
Copy !req
1912. We're pulling that story, Brian.
Copy !req
1913. What? Why?
I worked hard on that story.
Copy !req
1914. It was my call, all right, Brian?
Copy !req
1915. Just let it go. It's synergy.
Copy !req
1916. What does that mean?
Copy !req
1917. Take it easy, Ron.
Copy !req
1918. We got further than anybody thought
we would. We'll get 'em next time.
Copy !req
1919. You take it easy!
Copy !req
1920. I'm not in this to finish second!
Copy !req
1921. I think Champ is just saying that we...
Copy !req
1922. I know what he was trying
to say, Brian, okay?
Copy !req
1923. And it doesn't surprise me
that you guys don't care.
Copy !req
1924. I mean, let's face it.
You'd be nowhere without me.
Copy !req
1925. I'm the one who got invited
to the set of Urban Cowboy.
Copy !req
1926. Not you guys!
Copy !req
1927. I'm the one with the hot black girlfriend.
Copy !req
1928. I'm the one who gets
his Caesar salad made table-side!
Copy !req
1929. - That is nice.
- Oh, salad.
Copy !req
1930. I'm starting to wonder
what you clowns actually do.
Copy !req
1931. Chani likes clowns.
Except for the scary ones.
Copy !req
1932. Shut up, Brick!
Copy !req
1933. Just shut up for once!
Copy !req
1934. Ron yelled at me.
Copy !req
1935. You're damn right I yelled at you!
Copy !req
1936. When you talk nonsense for 15 years,
Copy !req
1937. someone's going to get
just a little bit tired of it!
Copy !req
1938. You don't yell at Brick.
Are you still smoking crack?
Copy !req
1939. No.
Copy !req
1940. I only smoked that one time.
Copy !req
1941. That's a lie. I've done it six more times.
Copy !req
1942. You made Brick cry.
Copy !req
1943. You've gone ratings crazy, Ron.
Copy !req
1944. But, seriously, do you have
any more of that crack left?
Copy !req
1945. You know what, Ron?
Copy !req
1946. We're a news team,
and that's a bond for life.
Copy !req
1947. But I don't like the man you've become.
Copy !req
1948. You know, we were happy
when you found us. Right?
Copy !req
1949. I was taking pictures of pussies,
Copy !req
1950. Champ was serving bats to
people, and Brick was dead.
Copy !req
1951. We took a gamble.
Copy !req
1952. Took a gamble to follow you here.
Copy !req
1953. But I'm starting to realize,
this was all about you,
Copy !req
1954. and beating Veronica at all costs.
Copy !req
1955. It had nothing to do with the news,
Copy !req
1956. - nothing to do with the team.
- Brian, don't.
Copy !req
1957. You know, I might not
be the smartest guy,
Copy !req
1958. but I know a thing or two
about a thing or two.
Copy !req
1959. I know that if you're pleasuring
a woman down south,
Copy !req
1960. you use your tongue to spell
out the alphabet around her...
Copy !req
1961. The bubble. Around her bubble.
Copy !req
1962. - The vulva!
- The Volvo.
Copy !req
1963. I always do the KISS logo
Copy !req
1964. or the Led Zeppelin "ZoSo" symbols.
Copy !req
1965. I know the El Camino
is the coolest thing ever
Copy !req
1966. because it's a car and it's a truck
Copy !req
1967. and that's just two
different ways to get pussy.
Copy !req
1968. I can't argue with any of those points.
Copy !req
1969. And I know that no matter what,
Copy !req
1970. you always stand by your friends.
Copy !req
1971. Sorry, Brian.
Copy !req
1972. I've got a sore back.
Copy !req
1973. You'll have to excuse me.
Copy !req
1974. It's so sore from carrying your ass
for the last 15 years.
Copy !req
1975. I think you're sick in the head, Burgundy.
Copy !req
1976. Thankfully, I've got
a whole spoon full of medicine.
Copy !req
1977. I don't know who I am.
Copy !req
1978. Oh, my God! The room is spinning.
Copy !req
1979. You'll regret this!
Copy !req
1980. You'll regret this, Brian!
Copy !req
1981. I can't move my left side of my body.
Copy !req
1982. One, two, three, get up
on the count of three.
Copy !req
1983. One, two, three.
Copy !req
1984. Tonight, I interview Yasser Arafat,
the secretive head of the PLO.
Copy !req
1985. Hey, don't let her
get into your head, Ron.
Copy !req
1986. I can't believe this.
Copy !req
1987. How do you even get that guy's number?
Copy !req
1988. We've got to get someone
from a foreign country.
Copy !req
1989. Guys, we're on in 20, 20, Ron.
Copy !req
1990. You ready?
Copy !req
1991. What's that, huh?
Copy !req
1992. Oh, that's nothing. It's just a car chase
Copy !req
1993. on the satellite feed from Milwaukee.
Copy !req
1994. You know what?
Copy !req
1995. Give it to me live to start the broadcast.
Copy !req
1996. No. That's not news, Ron.
Copy !req
1997. Give it to me live, okay?
Copy !req
1998. - And don't question me again.
- Bill!
Copy !req
1999. Journalists back in 1980
thought that a car chase wasn't news.
Copy !req
2000. But Ron Burgundy wasn't a journalist,
he was an anchorman.
Copy !req
2001. Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy,
Copy !req
2002. reporting live from New York.
Copy !req
2003. We have breaking news developing
Copy !req
2004. in our nation's heartland.
Copy !req
2005. A high-speed car chase is in progress...
Copy !req
2006. Keep the "Breaking News" logo up.
Keep up the graphic.
Copy !req
2007. Reaching speeds of up to 100 mph.
Copy !req
2008. And for the first time in news history,
Copy !req
2009. we will stay with it live
Copy !req
2010. until it resolves
in either a huge accident
Copy !req
2011. or a massive shootout.
Copy !req
2012. Ron Burgundy is so brave
for covering this.
Copy !req
2013. What an American!
Copy !req
2014. Are you worried
your dad's not gonna come?
Copy !req
2015. He'll be here. He promised he would.
Copy !req
2016. Does he usually stick to his promises?
Copy !req
2017. Always. Except not most of the times.
Copy !req
2018. We're going to stay with this live.
Copy !req
2019. I know there's other news out there.
Copy !req
2020. There's boring interviews
with weird foreigners
Copy !req
2021. going on right now
that are not important.
Copy !req
2022. This is the pulse of what's going on
in our country right now.
Copy !req
2023. Freddie, what's going on?
Copy !req
2024. Why is there a local car chase
on the TV?
Copy !req
2025. It's Burgundy, he insisted.
Copy !req
2026. Can't you see what
the son of a bitch is doing?
Copy !req
2027. He didn't have a story so he made one!
Copy !req
2028. You can't do that!
Copy !req
2029. Tell Ron to speculate
who's driving the car.
Copy !req
2030. Ron, speculate on who's driving the car.
Copy !req
2031. We believe the driver may be on drugs.
Copy !req
2032. He's probably 6'7", 6'8", but
a skinny 6'7", 6'8", about 160.
Copy !req
2033. He may have a hostage or two.
Copy !req
2034. We don't know.
He could have something in his car.
Copy !req
2035. The phone lines are lighting up.
It's about the chase!
Copy !req
2036. I've never seen anything like it!
Copy !req
2037. Mr. Arafat, is there any scenario
Copy !req
2038. by which peace could be
reached with Israel?
Copy !req
2039. Peace is what burns in my heart...
Copy !req
2040. What was it? Excuse me.
Copy !req
2041. What happened to the...
Copy !req
2042. The network cut to
another developing story.
Copy !req
2043. Some kind of crazy car chase.
Copy !req
2044. Who covers a car chase?
Copy !req
2045. I'm sitting here with
the most important interview
Copy !req
2046. of my entire career,
Copy !req
2047. and they're cutting to a car chase?
Copy !req
2048. This is extremely gripping.
Copy !req
2049. He just hit a car! He just hit a car!
Copy !req
2050. He hit a car! Did you see that?
Copy !req
2051. Oh, they just wrecked!
Copy !req
2052. - Wow!
- I fucking love the news!
Copy !req
2053. Yeah!
Copy !req
2054. Oh, my God, that car
just hit another car.
Copy !req
2055. This is awesome.
Copy !req
2056. And he just loses it! Wow!
Copy !req
2057. That's exactly what we needed.
Copy !req
2058. It was getting a little boring.
Copy !req
2059. Hey. You did a great job.
Copy !req
2060. Thanks, Gary.
Copy !req
2061. I don't think your dad's coming.
Copy !req
2062. I'm sorry, honey,
but I think we need to go.
Copy !req
2063. Stop reading my mind!
Copy !req
2064. All right.
Copy !req
2065. I mean, this is what I worry about.
Copy !req
2066. My dad thinks you're like a wizard.
Copy !req
2067. I'm a psychologist.
Copy !req
2068. I have a ponytail, for God's sakes.
Copy !req
2069. We're just getting word that police
Copy !req
2070. have finally apprehended the suspect.
Copy !req
2071. It turns out that
he is an elderly gentleman,
Copy !req
2072. he's 80 years old,
Copy !req
2073. and he was simply confused.
Copy !req
2074. Wow! What an afternoon!
Copy !req
2075. I'm Ron Burgundy.
Copy !req
2076. I may not always know the facts
Copy !req
2077. but I'll always tell you the truth.
Copy !req
2078. Thank you for watching.
Copy !req
2079. And we are clear!
Copy !req
2080. Yes!
Copy !req
2081. Great!
Copy !req
2082. All right!
Copy !req
2083. I don't believe it! You did it, Ron!
Copy !req
2084. Oh, my goodness. Thanks, Freddie.
Copy !req
2085. I don't deserve this.
Copy !req
2086. It was a team effort. It really was.
Copy !req
2087. Now, ladies and gentlemen,
Copy !req
2088. we all know there's one reason
Copy !req
2089. that GNN have gotten to the top.
Copy !req
2090. And that reason is the greatest
Copy !req
2091. bloody newsman in the world.
Copy !req
2092. Long may he reign!
Copy !req
2093. Mr. Ron Burgundy!
Copy !req
2094. Yeah, Ron!
Copy !req
2095. Yeah!
Copy !req
2096. Fire it up, Ronny!
Copy !req
2097. Let's blaze.
Copy !req
2098. Yeah. To hell with Ron Burgundy.
Copy !req
2099. We did it, my onyx hellion.
Copy !req
2100. You're magic!
Copy !req
2101. Good friend.
Copy !req
2102. In the myth of Icarus,
Copy !req
2103. Icarus, full of the folly
that comes with pride,
Copy !req
2104. flew too high
Copy !req
2105. and the sun melted his wings.
Copy !req
2106. Ron had no idea who Icarus was.
Copy !req
2107. He thought he was an alien villain
from Star Trek.
Copy !req
2108. Oh, my God, Ronny!
Copy !req
2109. Ron!
Copy !req
2110. Open the bloody gate.
Copy !req
2111. Somebody call an ambulance!
Copy !req
2112. My heart is split like a melon!
Copy !req
2113. Do not die in front of us!
Copy !req
2114. Stay classy, Ron Burgundy.
Copy !req
2115. Damn it, Milton, what is it?
Copy !req
2116. Well, Ron...
Copy !req
2117. L.-
Copy !req
2118. it looks as if both optic
nerves are separated
Copy !req
2119. from their respective corneas.
Copy !req
2120. - What?
- No other way to put this, but...
Copy !req
2121. You're blind.
Copy !req
2122. But surely there's some drug
or some machine...
Copy !req
2123. Ron, I've looked at all
the test results repeatedly.
Copy !req
2124. There's always false positives.
Copy !req
2125. - Run the tests again!
- Okay, all right.
Copy !req
2126. There is one more test I can do.
Copy !req
2127. I knew it!
Copy !req
2128. Yep, you're blind!
Copy !req
2129. Clearly, there must be something in this
Copy !req
2130. new-fangled office of yours
Copy !req
2131. - that can help me!
- Settle down.
Copy !req
2132. There's got to be something in here!
Copy !req
2133. Orderly. Orderly.
Copy !req
2134. Zombies! Zombies!
Copy !req
2135. If you get my hands on me, I'll kill you.
Copy !req
2136. The world of the blind.
Copy !req
2137. Ron Burgundy, a man who had
flourished in a visual medium,
Copy !req
2138. had forever entered
this realm of darkness.
Copy !req
2139. Who is it?
Copy !req
2140. Ron, it's us!
Copy !req
2141. I'm sure you gentlemen
are famished from your travels.
Copy !req
2142. I hope you like Triscuits
and some pimento loaf.
Copy !req
2143. Still hot off the griddle!
Copy !req
2144. There we go.
Copy !req
2145. Well, everyone at the station
really misses you, Ron.
Copy !req
2146. Jack Lime's been filling in for you
Copy !req
2147. since you've been gone.
Copy !req
2148. You know, he's really not
such a bad guy after all.
Copy !req
2149. Brick!
Copy !req
2150. That's checkers and caulk.
Don't eat that.
Copy !req
2151. What about Linda? She hasn't called.
Copy !req
2152. Linda's pretty busy.
I'm sure that's what it is.
Copy !req
2153. Have you ever eaten
the boot from Monopoly?
Copy !req
2154. It is so good.
Copy !req
2155. So, Ron, what do you do
with yourself all day?
Copy !req
2156. You're just out here pretty
much away from everything.
Copy !req
2157. Well, every day begins about the same.
Copy !req
2158. I wake up screaming in terror
Copy !req
2159. because of the blackness
and I think I'm dead.
Copy !req
2160. Every day?
Copy !req
2161. Yes! Every day!
Copy !req
2162. And then I begin what's called
The Great Adventure.
Copy !req
2163. Making breakfast.
Copy !req
2164. I've eaten everything from
nails to drink coasters.
Copy !req
2165. Don't even bring up Thanksgiving.
Copy !req
2166. I got halfway through a Nerf football.
Copy !req
2167. You haven't been blind
for Thanksgiving.
Copy !req
2168. You know what the biggest indignity is?
Copy !req
2169. I can't even masturbate.
Copy !req
2170. Really?
Copy !req
2171. What's masturbate?
Copy !req
2172. Heck, one morning I spent 20 minutes
Copy !req
2173. aggressively rubbing my shin,
Copy !req
2174. wondering, "Where's the sensation?
Where's the pleasure coming?"
Copy !req
2175. Went through half a can of Crisco.
Copy !req
2176. You rubbed your shin
thinking it was a penis?
Copy !req
2177. Feel it. Tell me that
doesn't feel like a penis.
Copy !req
2178. That feels like a shin.
Copy !req
2179. Yeah, because you're feeling it
through the hands of a sighted person.
Copy !req
2180. Ron, purely for empirical
evidence and science,
Copy !req
2181. I'd like to feel your bony, hard cock
and compare that to a shin.
Copy !req
2182. You think I'm stupid, don't you?
Copy !req
2183. Go ahead, laugh at the blind man.
Copy !req
2184. Laugh at the village fool.
The carnival freak.
Copy !req
2185. I'm like the Elephant Man, aren't I?
Copy !req
2186. Oh, come on, Ron.
Copy !req
2187. Do I amuse you?
Copy !req
2188. More!
Copy !req
2189. I'm a man. I'm not an animal.
Copy !req
2190. What you're going through
Copy !req
2191. has nothing to do
with the Elephant Man.
Copy !req
2192. It doesn't even remotely compare.
Copy !req
2193. Let me say it real slow and real loud.
Copy !req
2194. I'm
Copy !req
2195. blind!
Copy !req
2196. I guess we should get out of here.
Copy !req
2197. Maybe you should go. Yes.
Copy !req
2198. Why don't you guys get out of here!
Copy !req
2199. Despite my complete and utter isolation,
Copy !req
2200. your gentlemen's visit
has actually made it worse!
Copy !req
2201. Good-bye, Ron.
Copy !req
2202. What?
Copy !req
2203. No, don't go!
Copy !req
2204. Please! Wait! I'm all alone! Come back!
Copy !req
2205. Wait! Come back!
Copy !req
2206. Come back!
Copy !req
2207. I'm alone!
Copy !req
2208. Why have you done this to me, God?
Why?
Copy !req
2209. You feel like a big shot?
Are you a big man now?
Copy !req
2210. Are you getting your jollies
off this one, God?
Copy !req
2211. I hope you're happy.
Copy !req
2212. Well, I never thought that I would see
Copy !req
2213. the Ron Burgundy
full of so much self-pity.
Copy !req
2214. Who is it? What is that noise?
Copy !req
2215. Take my hand.
Copy !req
2216. I can't see it!
Copy !req
2217. Reach for it, Ron!
Copy !req
2218. You have to learn to do for yourself now.
Copy !req
2219. All right. This... Okay. Here we go.
Copy !req
2220. Get up. There we go.
Copy !req
2221. Cher, is that you?
Copy !req
2222. You can't recognize me by my voice?
Copy !req
2223. Billy Dee Williams.
Copy !req
2224. Really?
Copy !req
2225. Every news station is copying
what you did, Ron.
Copy !req
2226. All the stories are about animals,
or car chases or strip clubs.
Copy !req
2227. The genie has been let out of the bottle,
Copy !req
2228. and old Ron Burgundy popped the cork.
Copy !req
2229. - That's why I quit WBC News.
- What?
Copy !req
2230. There's no real news
being reported out there.
Copy !req
2231. It's just all about ratings.
Copy !req
2232. Veronica.
Copy !req
2233. Why are you here?
Copy !req
2234. I'm here for our son, Ron.
Copy !req
2235. Walter needs you.
Copy !req
2236. I need you to start taking responsibility
Copy !req
2237. for him and for yourself.
Copy !req
2238. Do you realize you're talking to a man
Copy !req
2239. who just this morning tried
to brush his teeth with a...
Copy !req
2240. With a violin that he found
at a flea market?
Copy !req
2241. What? How?
Copy !req
2242. Wouldn't you have known it was
a violin when you touched it?
Copy !req
2243. I'm just saying,
it's not going to be a cakewalk.
Copy !req
2244. Well, then we best get to it.
Copy !req
2245. It's next to impossible. I can't do it!
Copy !req
2246. Just remember the curves.
Copy !req
2247. The curves.
Copy !req
2248. - The green eyes.
- Green eyes.
Copy !req
2249. Yes, I'm still sitting here nude
like you requested.
Copy !req
2250. I can't do it!
Copy !req
2251. Baxter found something on the beach!
Copy !req
2252. Ron, be careful!
Copy !req
2253. It's okay!
Copy !req
2254. - Walter, what is it?
- It's some kind of fish!
Copy !req
2255. It's not just a fish. It's a shark.
Copy !req
2256. And by the smell of the oil from its liver,
Copy !req
2257. it's a juvenile great white.
Copy !req
2258. Oh, my goodness!
Copy !req
2259. If he stays tangled in this net,
he's not going to survive.
Copy !req
2260. Walter, sweetheart, it's a shark.
Copy !req
2261. It's not just a shark, Veronica,
Copy !req
2262. he's a Carcharodon carcharias.
Copy !req
2263. The largest apex predator in the ocean.
Copy !req
2264. Son,
Copy !req
2265. don't you worry,
we won't let this fellow die.
Copy !req
2266. We'll do it together, Dad.
Copy !req
2267. That should keep him in there
until he's strong enough
Copy !req
2268. to swim out to the deep ocean.
Copy !req
2269. Can I name him?
Copy !req
2270. Of course you can, son.
Copy !req
2271. What about Crackers?
Copy !req
2272. Give me a goddamn break.
Copy !req
2273. Seriously, you've got one of
the most vicious predators
Copy !req
2274. in the ocean and you're
going to name him Crackers?
Copy !req
2275. In the future, when you say
I can name something,
Copy !req
2276. don't be a dick about it.
Copy !req
2277. Why don't we do this?
Let's name him Doby.
Copy !req
2278. All right, I can live with that.
Copy !req
2279. Don't worry, Baxter, we won't
feed him your dog food.
Copy !req
2280. Even though Ron Burgundy
had lost his sight,
Copy !req
2281. he had never seen so clearly.
Copy !req
2282. He had the love of Veronica
and his son.
Copy !req
2283. The beauty of the lighthouse.
Copy !req
2284. And with every inch Doby grew,
so did Ron's heart.
Copy !req
2285. Well, you're a hungry guy.
Copy !req
2286. Got you!
Copy !req
2287. - Yes!
- You got it.
Copy !req
2288. You struck him out.
Copy !req
2289. Happy birthday, Doby!
Copy !req
2290. Ron, Walter.
Copy !req
2291. Mom, we made a birthday cake for Doby
Copy !req
2292. out of seal meat and chum icing.
Copy !req
2293. - We did.
- Nice, nice.
Copy !req
2294. Listen, I... Walter, I fear that the shark
Copy !req
2295. is getting too big for the cove now.
Copy !req
2296. What do you know, bitch!
Copy !req
2297. Excuse me, young man.
Copy !req
2298. Walter, that language
is only used by your father
Copy !req
2299. when your mother messes up.
Copy !req
2300. She ruins everything!
Copy !req
2301. First she made you leave
and now she wants Doby to go.
Copy !req
2302. It might be time to set Doby free.
Copy !req
2303. The other day we found old man
Crowley's walker by the cove.
Copy !req
2304. He's been missing for a week.
Copy !req
2305. Oh, dear Lord.
Copy !req
2306. - I'll go talk to him.
- All right.
Copy !req
2307. Wrong way.
Copy !req
2308. Just like the passing of the seasons,
Copy !req
2309. it came time for Doby to return
Copy !req
2310. to the deep waters
he was meant to call home.
Copy !req
2311. I hear his tail splashing!
Copy !req
2312. He's actually swimming away!
Copy !req
2313. Do you think he's crying,
Copy !req
2314. weeping violently
in the depths of the sea?
Copy !req
2315. He's a shark, so, no.
Copy !req
2316. I think that he's surrounded by water.
Copy !req
2317. If we ever see him again,
Copy !req
2318. do you think he'll remember us?
Copy !req
2319. Absolutely, my son.
Copy !req
2320. Sharks are known
for their photographic memory.
Copy !req
2321. Promise you'll always
be there for me, Dad?
Copy !req
2322. I promise.
Copy !req
2323. If I say I'll be there for you,
Copy !req
2324. there's nothing on God's Earth
that will stop me.
Copy !req
2325. I love you, Dad.
Copy !req
2326. Let's get back up to
the lighthouse, all right?
Copy !req
2327. - Come on.
- Okay.
Copy !req
2328. Doby, I hope you're happy-
Copy !req
2329. And I hope you eat
lots of fish and surfers.
Copy !req
2330. Oh, there you are.
Copy !req
2331. I found the most beautiful clams
down by the estuary.
Copy !req
2332. I thought we could
steam them up tonight
Copy !req
2333. with a nice butter sauce
Copy !req
2334. and some wine.
Copy !req
2335. Veronica.
Copy !req
2336. Yes, Ron?
Copy !req
2337. Can you explain this?
Copy !req
2338. Ron, this is Dr. Brangley.
I've left dozens of messages.
Copy !req
2339. Somehow, they must be getting erased.
Copy !req
2340. But there is a procedure
Copy !req
2341. that can possibly return your sight.
Copy !req
2342. Please get back to me
if you're interested.
Copy !req
2343. Well? Have you been
erasing these messages?
Copy !req
2344. Yes. Ron, just let me explain.
Copy !req
2345. How could you?
Copy !req
2346. We've never been this happy and...
Copy !req
2347. Damn you, woman!
Copy !req
2348. You lied to me!
Copy !req
2349. I gave you everything!
Copy !req
2350. I gave you my heart,
Copy !req
2351. my smile,
Copy !req
2352. my seed.
Copy !req
2353. And you lied to me.
Copy !req
2354. - Dad!
- Sweetheart.
Copy !req
2355. No! Dad!
Copy !req
2356. Don't leave, Dad!
Copy !req
2357. Dad!
Copy !req
2358. Sweetheart, we have to let him go.
Copy !req
2359. He needs to go free.
Copy !req
2360. Just like Doby.
Copy !req
2361. He'll be back. He promised.
Copy !req
2362. Could you please call me
a damn cab? I'm blind!
Copy !req
2363. Of course!
Copy !req
2364. Ron, the operation was a success.
Copy !req
2365. But we won't know for sure
until we remove the bandages.
Copy !req
2366. Well?
Copy !req
2367. Yes.
Copy !req
2368. I can see.
Copy !req
2369. Oh, God, oh, God.
It's Ron Burgundy, everyone!
Copy !req
2370. You are my inspiration.
Copy !req
2371. Oh, well, thank you.
Copy !req
2372. Oh, hey, good for you, Ron. Whammy.
Copy !req
2373. Champ.
Copy !req
2374. Ron, you grew a mustache.
Copy !req
2375. Brick.
Copy !req
2376. Brick and I are having a baby!
Copy !req
2377. We're gonna name it Sugar.
Copy !req
2378. - I'm 22 months pregnant.
- All right.
Copy !req
2379. Well, get over here, you bastard.
Copy !req
2380. Got you a drink, Ron. Come on.
Copy !req
2381. Hold on to that drink.
I just want to grab some air.
Copy !req
2382. How you doing there?
Copy !req
2383. I'm fine. Just...
Copy !req
2384. Just a lot of people in there.
Copy !req
2385. Listen, Ron, I'm sorry that
I never called or visited.
Copy !req
2386. There's... There's no need to explain.
Copy !req
2387. But, listen, I mean, you're back.
Copy !req
2388. Hello, Ron.
Copy !req
2389. What are you doing here?
Copy !req
2390. I had to come tell you
something very important.
Copy !req
2391. You must be Linda Jackson.
Copy !req
2392. You must be Veronica.
Copy !req
2393. Yes, I am. It's a pleasure.
Copy !req
2394. This is a touching moment for me.
Copy !req
2395. Please, don't take this the wrong way,
Copy !req
2396. but if you touch Ron again,
Copy !req
2397. I will pop up from
the backseat of your car
Copy !req
2398. and burn your face with a curling iron.
Copy !req
2399. That's all fine and good
Copy !req
2400. but if you did that I'd be forced
Copy !req
2401. to put your hand in a paper shredder
Copy !req
2402. while I smoke a cigarette.
Copy !req
2403. Well, in that case,
I would have no choice
Copy !req
2404. but to mail your severed foot
to your grandmother.
Copy !req
2405. Merry Christmas, Nana.
Copy !req
2406. I was feeling a little bit down
Copy !req
2407. but this is definitely
picking up my mood.
Copy !req
2408. Well, I guess I'll leave you two alone
Copy !req
2409. and it's been an absolute
pleasure, Ms. Corningstone.
Copy !req
2410. This has been great.
Copy !req
2411. Bye, Linda.
Copy !req
2412. I know why you haven't
been returning my messages.
Copy !req
2413. I wasn't calling for me, I was calling
Copy !req
2414. because Walter has
a piano recital in half an hour
Copy !req
2415. at the Tishman School on 65th Street.
Copy !req
2416. And he wrote a piece for you, Ron.
Copy !req
2417. Walter.
Copy !req
2418. It would mean the absolute world
to him to have you there.
Copy !req
2419. Ron, I just got a call from
the control room!
Copy !req
2420. Oh, big fan. Oh, Ron...
Copy !req
2421. Actress Sheila Blackledge,
the mom from the hit sitcom
Copy !req
2422. Four's a Family, Five's a Crowd...
Copy !req
2423. Oh, sure.
Four's a family
Copy !req
2424. Five's a crowd
Copy !req
2425. The neighbors get mad
'Cause the family's so loud
Copy !req
2426. It's so funny.
Copy !req
2427. That's it.
Copy !req
2428. She found out that her husband
was cheating on her
Copy !req
2429. and she severed his penis
while he slept!
Copy !req
2430. Oh, my goodness.
Copy !req
2431. The police arrived.
She fled in her white Bronco,
Copy !req
2432. and now they're engaged
in a high-speed car chase!
Copy !req
2433. We've got an exclusive on the live feed,
Copy !req
2434. but we've got to go, right now!
Copy !req
2435. Ron, this can be your comeback.
Copy !req
2436. - Veronica, I...
- No, Ron. No.
Copy !req
2437. That... That will get sky-high ratings.
Copy !req
2438. - Walter will understand.
- Walter will understand.
Copy !req
2439. Go.
Copy !req
2440. Come on, Ron. Priorities!
Copy !req
2441. - Veronica!
- Come on!
Copy !req
2442. Can you hear me?
Copy !req
2443. Yes, yes, you're coming in
loud and clear.
Copy !req
2444. You're back and you get this story.
Copy !req
2445. - This is gonna be huge.
- Right.
Copy !req
2446. God, look at him.
Copy !req
2447. Like a beacon in the night!
Copy !req
2448. - My golden goose.
- All right, baby.
Copy !req
2449. So I'm just gonna be
giving you the details.
Copy !req
2450. Five, four,
Copy !req
2451. three, two...
Copy !req
2452. Good evening, America.
After some time off,
Copy !req
2453. it's good to be back with you.
I'm Ron Burgundy.
Copy !req
2454. We have a story tonight
involving an affair,
Copy !req
2455. a cut-off penis, a TV star,
Copy !req
2456. twelve kilos of cocaine,
devil worship, and a car chase.
Copy !req
2457. And throw it to the feed.
Copy !req
2458. The only problem is...
Copy !req
2459. - What's he doing?
- Ron, are you okay?
Copy !req
2460. - It's not news.
- What?
Copy !req
2461. - Turn off the prompter.
- Ron, this is Kench.
Copy !req
2462. What the hell do you think
you're doing, mate?
Copy !req
2463. Just read what's in front of you,
Copy !req
2464. or I will ruin you! Don't!
Copy !req
2465. Don't! You leave Kench
inside your head!
Copy !req
2466. God damn it!
Copy !req
2467. You see, folks, I've read
a lot of news in my day,
Copy !req
2468. but it's taken me until now
Copy !req
2469. to realize what real news is.
Copy !req
2470. Real news is supposed
to let people know
Copy !req
2471. what the powerful are up to,
Copy !req
2472. so that that power
doesn't become corrupt.
Copy !req
2473. But what happens when
the powerful own the news?
Copy !req
2474. Recently, I've been on a bit
of a personal journey.
Copy !req
2475. I made love to a proud,
intelligent black woman.
Copy !req
2476. I became blind.
Copy !req
2477. I bottle-fed and raised a shark.
Copy !req
2478. And I smoked a fair amount of crack.
Copy !req
2479. But the most important thing
I've learned is that
Copy !req
2480. there was an emptiness left
Copy !req
2481. after turning my back on three
Copy !req
2482. of the best friends
anyone could ever ask for.
Copy !req
2483. Hi, Ron!
Copy !req
2484. So, if you'll excuse me,
Copy !req
2485. I'm going to see my child's recital
Copy !req
2486. and tell the woman I love
that I still love her.
Copy !req
2487. Good night, America, and never forget,
Copy !req
2488. you deserve the truth.
Copy !req
2489. Good. He's dead, done. Linda,
Copy !req
2490. get the skirt in, the blonde. Anyone!
Copy !req
2491. He's coming back!
Copy !req
2492. Also, I just wanted to say
a quick hello to Baxter.
Copy !req
2493. Hello, Baxter.
Copy !req
2494. We've got dead air.
Copy !req
2495. Yes, yes, yes.
Copy !req
2496. We're taking care of it right now.
Copy !req
2497. Guys, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
2498. For a while there,
Copy !req
2499. I don't know
what became of Ron Burgundy.
Copy !req
2500. Brick, I'm sorry I yelled at you.
Copy !req
2501. Brian, I...
Copy !req
2502. No reason why I killed
that story of yours.
Copy !req
2503. It was excellent reporting.
Copy !req
2504. And, Champ, I'm really sorry for...
Copy !req
2505. Actually, I wasn't gonna
apologize for anything to you.
Copy !req
2506. You've done horrible things to me.
Copy !req
2507. Ron, you're a good man
Copy !req
2508. but you've fallen victim to your own ego
Copy !req
2509. and your own hubris.
Copy !req
2510. And before others can forgive you,
you must learn to forgive yourself.
Copy !req
2511. What was that, Brick?
Copy !req
2512. I have a hot dog in my desk.
Copy !req
2513. Thank you.
Copy !req
2514. So that's it, huh? You're sorry.
Copy !req
2515. You know what, Burgundy,
apologies are like assholes.
Copy !req
2516. Everyone's got one
and everyone's got a shoebox
Copy !req
2517. full of Polaroids of them under the bed.
Copy !req
2518. I don't know what that means.
Copy !req
2519. It means that apologies are cheap
Copy !req
2520. and that I have a shoebox full
of Polaroids of butt holes
Copy !req
2521. and I keep it under my bed.
Copy !req
2522. Maybe one day you'll...
Copy !req
2523. You'll think enough of me
to let me buy you a beer
Copy !req
2524. and we can look
at that shoebox together.
Copy !req
2525. Don't hold your breath.
Copy !req
2526. I only show that shoebox to
my good friends and hitchhikers.
Copy !req
2527. - I understand.
- Ron...
Copy !req
2528. We're the news team. This can't end.
Copy !req
2529. Well, we'll see how this one
does at the box office.
Copy !req
2530. What?
Copy !req
2531. Just let him go, Champ.
Copy !req
2532. Ron!
Copy !req
2533. Long live Ron Burgundy!
Copy !req
2534. Guys, he's gonna come to my recital.
Copy !req
2535. Taxi!
Copy !req
2536. Taxi! Taxi!
Copy !req
2537. Damn it!
Copy !req
2538. It's so hard for a rich white man
to get a taxi in this city!
Copy !req
2539. - Thank you.
- Is Dad going to come?
Copy !req
2540. No, sweetheart, Daddy has to work.
Copy !req
2541. He's going to come. I know it.
Copy !req
2542. Taxi!
Copy !req
2543. I need to see my son!
Copy !req
2544. And now, to play an original composition
Copy !req
2545. that he wrote for his father,
Copy !req
2546. here is seven-year-old Walter Burgundy.
Copy !req
2547. I made a promise!
I made a promise to my son!
Copy !req
2548. What the hell?
Copy !req
2549. Well, hello, Ron.
Copy !req
2550. You out for a jog?
Copy !req
2551. Jack Lime!
Copy !req
2552. Where's everyone going?
Copy !req
2553. Please. I don't have time to talk, okay?
Copy !req
2554. I have to be somewhere.
Copy !req
2555. Well, that's funny.
'Cause I got nowhere to be
Copy !req
2556. 'cause you pretty much
destroyed my career.
Copy !req
2557. Do you realize what it did to me,
Copy !req
2558. by making me call myself Jack Lame?
Copy !req
2559. It was a living hell!
Copy !req
2560. I had to get a new driver's license.
Copy !req
2561. I can't get restaurant reservations!
Copy !req
2562. I have to do my own hair.
Copy !req
2563. Look, I'm sorry but I'm out
of the news game.
Copy !req
2564. I just walked away.
Copy !req
2565. You can't just walk away from the news.
Copy !req
2566. It's like a... It's like
a frat or KISS Army.
Copy !req
2567. You're in it for life.
Copy !req
2568. I'm telling you, you have to let me go!
Copy !req
2569. Oh, don't worry. Four against one.
Copy !req
2570. This will be over fast.
Copy !req
2571. Maybe not so fast!
Copy !req
2572. My news team. Thank God!
Copy !req
2573. Ain't a day that will be or has been
that we don't have Ron Burgundy's back.
Copy !req
2574. Not a problem. When I'm done
with these mutts,
Copy !req
2575. I'm gonna wipe my shoes on the curb.
Copy !req
2576. Oh, yeah, Jack Lime?
Copy !req
2577. When I'm done with you,
Copy !req
2578. I hope we can be friends in the future
Copy !req
2579. and maybe see a movie together.
Copy !req
2580. Wait!
Copy !req
2581. It's too bad you don't have
free health care
Copy !req
2582. because the BBC World Service
Copy !req
2583. is about to beat your arses bloody!
Copy !req
2584. God save the Queen
Copy !req
2585. and God kill Ron Burgundy!
Copy !req
2586. No. Not now.
Copy !req
2587. Fall back, fall back.
Copy !req
2588. If y'all are gonna get down,
Copy !req
2589. then Wesley Jackson and
the MTV VJ News crew need in!
Copy !req
2590. What the hell's a VJ?
Copy !req
2591. I don't know.
Copy !req
2592. Is that like a vlow job?
Copy !req
2593. It's the future, sucker!
Copy !req
2594. We gonna play all videos
Copy !req
2595. and then eventually just reality shows!
Copy !req
2596. It wouldn't be a battle
without Jill Janson.
Copy !req
2597. And Wendy Van Peele
from Entertainment News.
Copy !req
2598. Entertainment and news,
that's a contradiction.
Copy !req
2599. In celebrity gossip,
guess who was seen canoodling
Copy !req
2600. with death at Spago?
Copy !req
2601. Ron Burgundy!
Copy !req
2602. Tonight's top story,
Copy !req
2603. an exclusive interview with Jamie Farr
Copy !req
2604. plus a couple of douche bag anchormen
Copy !req
2605. get their balls stomped!
Copy !req
2606. Hey!
Copy !req
2607. There's not gonna be any fight
without Scott Riles
Copy !req
2608. and the incredibly polite
Canadian news team.
Copy !req
2609. What about the French-speaking
Quebec News?
Copy !req
2610. The real voice of Canada!
Copy !req
2611. Give it a rest, eh?
Copy !req
2612. Give me a break! They can't have news.
Copy !req
2613. Nothing happens in Canada!
Copy !req
2614. That's not true!
Copy !req
2615. Sometimes people's feelings get hurt.
Copy !req
2616. And sometimes the lake freezes.
Copy !req
2617. I like your ginger ale!
Copy !req
2618. This is Jeff Bullington, ESPN: All sports.
Copy !req
2619. That's 24 hours of sports,
but today it's 23
Copy !req
2620. 'cause one of those hours is me
Copy !req
2621. rectally extracting your spine.
Copy !req
2622. Twenty-four hours of sports?
Copy !req
2623. That actually sounds pretty good to me.
Copy !req
2624. I'd watch that.
Copy !req
2625. Hey. The History Network wants
in on this. We're news, too.
Copy !req
2626. Only news told much, much later.
Copy !req
2627. Wait a minute. Is that the ghost
Copy !req
2628. of Stonewall Jackson with you?
Copy !req
2629. Yes, it is. And the mighty Minotaur.
Copy !req
2630. The Minotaur isn't even history!
Copy !req
2631. He's mythology! You're crossing
a lot of formats here.
Copy !req
2632. Hey, let's not downplay the fact that
Copy !req
2633. that's the ghost of Stonewall Jackson!
Copy !req
2634. May the Lord anoint
this hallowed field of battle.
Copy !req
2635. You guys got room in this battle
for an old war horse?
Copy !req
2636. Mack Tannen!
What are you doing here?
Copy !req
2637. You're too old for this.
Copy !req
2638. I had a crush on him
when I was a schoolgirl.
Copy !req
2639. You like it wrinkled, huh?
Copy !req
2640. Well, you see, there's the thing.
Copy !req
2641. When there's an early moon,
Copy !req
2642. I almost feel like a stallion again!
Copy !req
2643. He's on our side, right, Ron?
Copy !req
2644. He's a were-hyena!
Copy !req
2645. Oh, my God, don't chase us!
Copy !req
2646. All right, everyone, listen up!
Copy !req
2647. By virtue of being on this battlefield,
Copy !req
2648. there is no return.
Copy !req
2649. People will die.
Copy !req
2650. Hey, everyone,
if I happen to kill you today...
Copy !req
2651. Sorry.
Copy !req
2652. I would be remiss if I did not
mention one last thing...
Copy !req
2653. Today's blood soaked battle
Copy !req
2654. will be sponsored by R.C. Cola,
Copy !req
2655. a delicious beverage
Copy !req
2656. when you're about
to behead a colleague.
Copy !req
2657. And as usual, no touching
of the hair and face!
Copy !req
2658. Yeah, that's... I can go with that one.
Copy !req
2659. I wouldn't appreciate it.
Copy !req
2660. When El Trousias,
Copy !req
2661. maiden of the clouds,
blows the battle horn,
Copy !req
2662. let the battle begin!
Copy !req
2663. I am El Trousias!
Copy !req
2664. Hear my siren song!
Copy !req
2665. She's pretty.
Copy !req
2666. - Yeah, she has a nice figure.
- I'm not jealous of her.
Copy !req
2667. No.
Copy !req
2668. Banged her.
Copy !req
2669. That means you can start.
Copy !req
2670. Man, that's like from
a Kajagoogoo video.
Copy !req
2671. Brick, what the hell is that?
Copy !req
2672. It's a gun from the future.
Copy !req
2673. Where did you get it from?
Copy !req
2674. Huzzah!
Copy !req
2675. An eye for an eye, I guess I owe you.
Copy !req
2676. Oh, I'd love to meet Shelly Hack.
Terrific.
Copy !req
2677. Cowboys don't have throwing stars.
Copy !req
2678. Man, Burgundy, you're strong as shit.
Copy !req
2679. I drink Ovaltine for breakfast.
Copy !req
2680. Son, how's my hair?
Copy !req
2681. Thanks.
Copy !req
2682. Fill that gap. Fall upon your swords.
Copy !req
2683. Life has no meaning.
Copy !req
2684. There will be a mint julep
Copy !req
2685. waiting on the other side, sir.
Copy !req
2686. Release your soul to me.
Copy !req
2687. Sorry!
Copy !req
2688. Sorry! Sorry!
Copy !req
2689. Sex Panther, I summon thee!
Copy !req
2690. Oh, no! Look out!
Copy !req
2691. Oh, it's the ghost of Stonewall Jackson.
Copy !req
2692. Everyone, it's the ghost
of Stonewall Jackson.
Copy !req
2693. Why do we have to fight?
Copy !req
2694. There's so much
I could learn from you...
Copy !req
2695. Colonel Burgundy, I will
give you three questions
Copy !req
2696. and then I shall consume your soul.
Copy !req
2697. Okay. Do you dwell in heaven?
Copy !req
2698. I march upon a shadowy shore
Copy !req
2699. betwixt the world of men
and the shivering gates of heaven.
Copy !req
2700. - Oh, so purgatory.
- No.
Copy !req
2701. Shadow shore, betwixt the world of men
Copy !req
2702. and the shimmering gates of heaven.
Copy !req
2703. In the middle. Between the two.
Copy !req
2704. - Do you have another question?
- Yes.
Copy !req
2705. Of all the new Japanese car imports
Copy !req
2706. that are on the market today,
what's your favorite?
Copy !req
2707. That is your question?
Copy !req
2708. I am a decorated general
Copy !req
2709. who has come from
the afterlife to visit you.
Copy !req
2710. That's my second question.
Copy !req
2711. - All right, Honda.
- Oh, good.
Copy !req
2712. I like the mixture of the stylish interior
Copy !req
2713. with the gas efficiency.
Copy !req
2714. - One more question?
- That's right.
Copy !req
2715. And then I shall consume your soul.
Copy !req
2716. That's okay. Maybe I'll lay off
on the last question.
Copy !req
2717. Are you sure?
Copy !req
2718. I just don't want my soul consumed...
Copy !req
2719. Hey!
Copy !req
2720. Send my regards
to Sir Winston Churchill.
Copy !req
2721. Please, no!
Copy !req
2722. What in the name of Dan Roundfield?
Copy !req
2723. Gary!
Copy !req
2724. Yes, Ron.
Copy !req
2725. You and I never got along.
Copy !req
2726. But using the power of my mind,
Copy !req
2727. I was able to see in the future
that you would do good.
Copy !req
2728. - Now, go.
- I knew it!
Copy !req
2729. Go to your son's recital.
Copy !req
2730. I knew you had mind powers!
Copy !req
2731. And make it the greatest day of your life!
Copy !req
2732. Gary, no!
Copy !req
2733. Almighty, Almighty,
light the fuse on my call.
Copy !req
2734. Thirty-niner-niner-14, cook these fools.
Copy !req
2735. I repeat, cook these fools.
Copy !req
2736. We've got to get out of here.
There's too much news!
Copy !req
2737. Man, what a rush!
Copy !req
2738. The monster's my friend!
Copy !req
2739. Ron, we can still make your kid's recital!
Copy !req
2740. Hey, Ronny.
Copy !req
2741. Jack Lime, please, I just want
to get to my son's recital.
Copy !req
2742. No! That's out of the question!
Copy !req
2743. We're outnumbered, Ron.
Copy !req
2744. Foam the runway, I'm coming in hot!
Copy !req
2745. Hello, kiddies.
Copy !req
2746. Is there room in the sandbox
for a few more?
Copy !req
2747. Wes Mantooth and the
Channel Nine news team!
Copy !req
2748. Hey, what the hell are you
guys doing here?
Copy !req
2749. This is a national news fight.
Copy !req
2750. You made one mistake today.
Copy !req
2751. You messed with somebody
from San Diego.
Copy !req
2752. It's actually pronounced San Diago.
Copy !req
2753. Hell, Ron and I may not agree
on everything,
Copy !req
2754. but we share the bond of being
Copy !req
2755. from the greatest city
in the history of this Earth.
Copy !req
2756. Well, ain't that cute?
Copy !req
2757. But you're outnumbered three-to-one.
Copy !req
2758. Why don't you go back to your mama?
Copy !req
2759. Don't you use my mom's name in vain.
Copy !req
2760. Dorothy Mantooth was
a hard-working single woman
Copy !req
2761. who raised seven children on her own
Copy !req
2762. and she remained sexually active
till the day she died.
Copy !req
2763. Even in her coffin she had
the ass of a 19-year-old.
Copy !req
2764. Tight like an apricot. No disrespect.
Copy !req
2765. She served four tours of duty
in Vietnam as a helicopter pilot.
Copy !req
2766. She won the bronze in
the hammer throw at Helsinki.
Copy !req
2767. I enjoyed her on the show Emergency!
Copy !req
2768. Now here's the thing.
While I've been talking,
Copy !req
2769. my news team has emptied
their gas tanks at your feet.
Copy !req
2770. You crazy son of a bitch.
Copy !req
2771. I drop this smoke and
every one of you goes "poof. "
Copy !req
2772. Well, you forgot one thing, leatherman.
Copy !req
2773. You drop that smoke, you die, too.
Copy !req
2774. With the things I've done in my life,
Copy !req
2775. oh, I know I'm going to burn in hell.
Copy !req
2776. So I sure as shit ain't afraid
to burn here on Earth.
Copy !req
2777. Oh, my goodness!
Copy !req
2778. That's the most badass thing
I have ever heard.
Copy !req
2779. All right!
Copy !req
2780. Looks like this fight's over.
Copy !req
2781. Let's go, boys.
Copy !req
2782. Yay! We won! Let's celebrate!
Copy !req
2783. Sparklers!
Copy !req
2784. - No, no, no, no, Brick!
- No!
Copy !req
2785. Dad!
Copy !req
2786. I'm never gonna have
to drink horse piss!
Copy !req
2787. Odds are you'll still have to,
but enjoy the moment, son.
Copy !req
2788. I love you, Mom! I love you, Dad!
Copy !req
2789. A father reunited with his son.
Copy !req
2790. Come on, folks, that's good stuff.
Copy !req
2791. And then the same man
finally learns to love his wife
Copy !req
2792. more than his career?
Copy !req
2793. Suck on that, Tennessee Williams.
Copy !req
2794. And how about Liam Neeson
showing up earlier?
Copy !req
2795. Do you have any idea how hard
it is to get Liam Neeson?
Copy !req
2796. He doesn't have a phone,
and lives on a mountaintop,
Copy !req
2797. and we got him.
Copy !req
2798. If that isn't worth 14 bucks,
I don't know what is.
Copy !req
2799. So go home with your significant other,
Copy !req
2800. and make love, and then hold
each other afterwards,
Copy !req
2801. and say, "That movie delivered.
Copy !req
2802. "It was the nut flush.
Copy !req
2803. "Thank you, Hollywood. "
Copy !req
2804. And now, before I join this couple
in holy matrimony,
Copy !req
2805. Brick and Chani ask us to join them
Copy !req
2806. as they exchange their vows.
Copy !req
2807. My dearest Brick.
Copy !req
2808. I love the nicknames you call me.
Copy !req
2809. Like Chani or Miss.
Copy !req
2810. Or Miss Chani or Chani.
Copy !req
2811. I call you Duncan Wentworth
Copy !req
2812. or my little flesh hair creature
Copy !req
2813. or a guy who doesn't call the police
Copy !req
2814. when I touch his bathing suit area.
Copy !req
2815. Chani, you make my heart beat so fast
Copy !req
2816. that my right arm hurts
Copy !req
2817. and I forget where I am
and what I am doing.
Copy !req
2818. Then men shock me
with two air hockey paddles
Copy !req
2819. and I feel better
Copy !req
2820. except the right side
of my face sags for a while.
Copy !req
2821. I now pronounce you man and wife.
Copy !req
2822. You may kiss the bride.
Copy !req
2823. Beautiful ceremony.
Copy !req
2824. Well, hello, ladies.
Copy !req
2825. Ca? or decaf'?
Copy !req
2826. Why?
Copy !req
2827. Oh, I need to know how
I'm gonna make your coffee
Copy !req
2828. tomorrow morning
when you wake up in my pants.
Copy !req
2829. You're Brian Fantana
and you're Champ Kind.
Copy !req
2830. - We love you.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
2831. This is a fair warning, girls,
if I get really drunk,
Copy !req
2832. you're going to have to do all the work.
Copy !req
2833. Yeah, and we can go back
to our place, too.
Copy !req
2834. That way your sheets
don't get covered in hair.
Copy !req
2835. Yeah, we've got to get up early for work.
Copy !req
2836. - A little Asti Spumante, huh?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
2837. Go back and listen
to some records?
Copy !req
2838. They wanted it so bad.
Copy !req