An Evening with Beverly Luff Linn (2018)

1. Tyrone, what blend is that bag?

2. Winter. Oh, shit. Sorry, Shane.

3. Please, pay better attention.

4. It's just, we never had a mid-winter blend before

5. and it's like, "Why? And who cares?"

6. I can't think about that, Tyrone

7. and neither should you.

8. Good morning, Lulu.

9. Good morning, Carl.

10. Hey, Lulu, check this out.

11. Are you break dancing, Carl?

12. Yes, it's body-popping.

13. Guys! No dancing. Get back to work.

14. Excuse me.

15. Excuse me.

16. May I have a large cappuccino, please?

17. Here you go, sir. One large cappuccino.

18. Thank you. Is Mr Danger here?

19. Yeah, hang on a second.

20. Hi. Shane Danger. Manager.

21. Mr Danger, I'm Barry Ofeld,

22. with Human Resources, from our corporate office.

23. Is there somewhere we can speak in private?

24. The reason for my visit

25. is the company is in the process

26. of scaling back operations.

27. This means making across-the-board

28. personnel cuts, Mr Danger.

29. Oh.

30. Unfortunately, we must ask you to relieve

31. one of your employees of their responsibilities.

32. I will leave that to your discretion

33. but we'd like this to happen immediately, Mr Danger.

34. Do you have any questions?

35. No, I don't think so.

36. Times are tough, Mr Danger. Better one of them than you.

37. Good point.

38. Not a very good cappuccino.

39. If you'll excuse me.

40. That guy was checking you out, Lulu.

41. No, I was checking him out, Carl.

42. It wasn't that funny, Carl.

43. Lulu, if you could see me in my office?

44. Certainly.

45. I'm sorry, there was nothing I could do about it.

46. You can stop going on about it.

47. I don't care about the job.

48. Oh, someone told me today

49. what they were building behind the hardware centre.

50. Oh, but I can't remember what it was.

51. Oh, I remember now.

52. They're putting in a state-of-the-art fitness centre

53. behind the hardware centre.

54. Might have to get my gym back on.

55. Thanks, sweetie.

56. Now I have to find my way to bed in the dark.

57. Sweetie,

58. five dollars for fun.

59. Why don't you enjoy yourself and buy one of those

60. cinnamon swirly things

61. you like so much from the bakeshop?

62. I will see you later, won't I, sweetie?

63. Kinda does feel like a morgue with Lulu gone.

64. She was fun.

65. Yeah, well, she got fired, Carl.

66. Times are tough.

67. We have jobs to do, and this is what happens

68. when you don't do your job.

69. So, we have our first casualty, guys.

70. Might not be our last.

71. Are you going to have problems with your marriage

72. now you fired your wife, Shane?

73. No, I'm not going to have problems

74. with my marriage now, Tyrone.

75. I have a tremendous marriage.

76. In fact, Lulu is relieved not to be working.

77. Well, I got problems, Shane.

78. My mom just got diabetes.

79. I have to buy her a little scooter to get her around,

80. but I don't have no money.

81. I'm sorry about that, but you have to save, Tyrone.

82. I save everything I can,

83. and I think positive all the time.

84. Okay, I have to take a shit.

85. Can you guys man the shop for 25 minutes?

86. Sure.

87. Who shits for 25 minutes?

88. Hey, nearly birthday girl. Can I make you a cappuccino?

89. Oh, I used to make cappuccinos.

90. Sweetie, Mr Ofeld said,

91. "Either the both of you go, or just the girl."

92. "The girl's gonna go anyway though,"

93. so I chose to stay so at least one of us has a job.

94. You seem sad.

95. Yeah, well, this TV is really shitty, you know?

96. That's what I want for my birthday.

97. A new bigger, better TV,

98. so I can sit in front of it all day

99. until my ass gets so fat and flat

100. we have to get a new couch.

101. Don't say that.

102. Plus, we don't have that kind of money right now.

103. Not until I become area manager,

104. which I think is gonna happen, by the way.

105. Now that's a real cappuccino.

106. Maybe I should ask my brother for a new TV.

107. He's got that kind of money in his cash box.

108. Who, Adjay? Yeah, right.

109. How much money does Adjay have in his cash box?

110. More than what you have in your tiny little cash box.

111. I don't have a fucking cash box.

112. There's no way that little fucking vegan

113. has more money than me.

114. No, he does.

115. If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bath.

116. An evening with Beverley Luff Linn

117. for one magical night only.

118. Beverly. Beverly Luff Linn.

119. Is that you, sweetie?

120. Yes.

121. Sweetie, exactly how much money

122. is in Adjay's cash box?

123. A lot.

124. Sweetie, I don't understand

125. how Adjay has got all this fucking money.

126. He saves.

127. So do fucking I.

128. Well, Adjay saves more than fucking you.

129. Okay, do we all know what we're doing?

130. I'm staying in the car.

131. I'm walking in with you, Shane,

132. and asking a guy to take me to the Grains of Paradise.

133. And he will take you to the back of the store,

134. to the spice aisle.

135. Yes, he will.

136. And you will keep him there as long as possible.

137. Yes, I will.

138. Let's do this.

139. How may I help you, gentlemen?

140. Take me to the Grains of Paradise.

141. Wow, your face is very shiny, man.

142. Yeah, my family has thyroid.

143. I will take you to the Grains of Paradise, come.

144. This is the highest grade.

145. This is the best Grains of Paradise.

146. Okay, yes?

147. You don't look well, man.

148. Where is your friend, by the way?

149. Oh, he's just at the front of the store,

150. looking for a couple of items.

151. How many kinds are there?

152. This is the cheaper.

153. This is the cheaper Grains of Paradise?

154. Hey! What the fuck are you doing, man?

155. Are you trying to rob me, man?

156. What the fuck is going on?

157. Shane? Is that you?

158. Adjay?

159. What the fuck, Shane?

160. Are you seriously trying to rob me?

161. No. Are you fucking crazy?

162. Okay. Now, Tyrone, run! Go!

163. Carl, drive!

164. (man) Miss?

165. ? Cinnamon Swirly Little swirls of cinnamon

166. Yum, yum, yum?

167. Cinnamon bullshit.

168. Who is this fucking Shane Danger?

169. He's my fucking brother-in-law.

170. He shot a fucking hole in your ceiling.

171. Yes, and then he ran off with my fucking cash box

172. with my fucking savings.

173. You think?

174. Fucking Shane Danger!

175. That's not even a fucking real name!

176. Stupid fucking fucks!

177. So, this Shane Danger, he's got some new monies, huh?

178. Yes.

179. I'm just rolling through town,

180. and then I hear you want the monies

181. back from this Shane Danger.

182. I can help you do that.

183. Really? I was gonna talk to my cousin, Poony.

184. Forget Cousin Poony. This is what I do.

185. Tell me more.

186. You give me Shane Danger's address,

187. I bring you the cash box,

188. you give me $200.

189. You must blow out his kneecap.

190. Yeah. I promise you, I will blow out both his kneecaps.

191. Valerie! We need a pen and a fucking paper!

192. I need to write Shane Danger's address down for this man.

193. Okay, time to open the glove box, Colin. Yep.

194. Cash box. Kneecaps.

195. Are you the party man, party man?

196. Oh, hey, sweetie.

197. Are you going to let the party man in, Shane?

198. Sure. Who is he?

199. - I'm Colin. - Colin.

200. Coming in for a drink, Colin?

201. Yes, I am.

202. Why do you always make that brown shit?

203. Because it's a fan favourite.

204. Do you think Colin will like it?

205. Kinda looks like a shit shake.

206. So how do you guys know Colin?

207. I thought you knew this guy.

208. I don't know him.

209. You told me to invite him in for a drink.

210. You don't have to do what I say.

211. Who the fuck is this guy?

212. Colin? Who the fuck are you?

213. You stole the cash box from Adjay,

214. now Adjay wants his monies back!

215. So pull out the cash box from behind the couch!

216. Now, before I blow out these kneecaps!

217. Colin, grab the cash box.

218. Grab the fucking cash box! Grab it!

219. - Now give me the gun. - That ain't gonna happen.

220. Now, let's go. Go! Move!

221. Faster! Get... Get my coat!

222. - Is that your car? - Yes, it is.

223. Good, get in! Get in!

224. - Drive!

225. Lulu! Where are you going? Come back here, sweetie!

226. She's gone, Shane, and she's taken the fucking money!

227. Oh, really, Tyrone? 'Cause I wasn't here.

228. Tell me what else fucking happened!

229. Are we taking the cash box to Adjay?

230. - No! We're not. - No.

231. And I will be asking the questions now.

232. Okay.

233. We're going on an adventure, Colin.

234. Do you like adventures?

235. I do. Adventures, I like them.

236. - Do you promise? - I like adventures, yeah.

237. Good.

238. Are you a good guy or a bad guy?

239. I'm a good guy.

240. Good.

241. Good evening, my name is Lawrence. Welcome to the Moorhouse Hotel.

242. Thank you, Lawrence. We would like a room.

243. Oh, that looks fun. Is Mr Lufflinn staying here too?

244. It's Luff Linn. Two words.

245. Oh, and we'll need a room with two twins' beds, please.

246. Is it two twins' beds,

247. or two twins bed, or is it two twin bed?

248. I'm not really sure about that kind of thing, it's not...

249. Perhaps we should ask Mr Beverly?

250. Oh, lookie here, it looks like you're in lucky.

251. - Is breakfast included? - We'll take it.

252. Wonderful. Key time.

253. Magical event. Magical Luff Linn.

254. Okay, well, this is my kind of hotel room.

255. You take that bed.

256. Okay.

257. Colin, do you think you could give me a massage?

258. Yes.

259. I can do that.

260. - Like this? - Mmm-hmm.

261. - How's this? - Mmm-hmm.

262. - And this? - Mmm-hmm.

263. I needed to get away from my husband.

264. Aren't you worried about people coming after us?

265. Adjay must be very upset and angry.

266. Adjay would never come after us.

267. He's had terrifying panic attacks since we were children,

268. because he choked on too much breast milk as a baby.

269. I didn't know that was a possibility.

270. Choking on breast milk?

271. Choking on too much breast milk.

272. Mmm-hmm.

273. Okay, that's enough. Thank you.

274. Colin, I need you to protect me, okay? Can you handle that?

275. Yes, I can do that.

276. Are you sure you don't have any other commitments?

277. No, I don't have any other commitments.

278. In fact, putting myself in harm's way

279. for the benefit of others is exactly what I do.

280. Good.

281. I'm going to take a bath.

282. Why don't you watch...

283. TV?

284. Here comes din-dins.

285. You buckled up?

286. Hmmmm!

287. Right, let's try and find this hotel

288. that apparently no one knows the name of.

289. Hmmm!

290. Have you heard anything from Lulu?

291. I haven't heard anything.

292. Hello, Shane. Do you have my money?

293. No, Adjay. Have you talked to Colin?

294. Colin is a double-crossing shit!

295. Well, my wife and your money are with him,

296. so you might want to track him down.

297. Track him down, Shane? I'm a fucking vegan!

298. I'm coming every day until you find my fucking money.

299. Did you hear me, you fat loser?

300. Adjay, please leave! You're causing a disturbance! Now!

301. I will leave, and then I will come back again

302. for my fucking M-O-N-E-Y!

303. - Wow.

304. Why has my wife run off with a fucking criminal?

305. Maybe she was sexually attracted to him?

306. I've definitely read women are attracted to mens with guns.

307. "Mens"?

308. Yeah, the gun is like a penis.

309. Yeah, the male penis.

310. Why are we buying all these outfits?

311. Because I need outfits, Colin.

312. I'm going to be honest with you.

313. Although I don't know quite what's going on,

314. I'm having a great time, Lulu.

315. - And...

316. And you nailed it with these cheesy onion rings. Mmm.

317. Listen, there is an event tomorrow night at the hotel.

318. We're going to it, okay?

319. An event?

320. Do you remember the man in the plaid hat,

321. from the large man-shaped poster near the hotel reception?

322. Mr Beverly? Beverly is a woman's name.

323. No. I don't think so.

324. It is. It's a Scottish woman's name.

325. - Beverly is a man's name. - It's a very feminine name.

326. No, it isn't, Colin. It's a very masculine name.

327. I went to school with a girl called Beverly.

328. No, Colin. Beverly is a man's name.

329. Beverly is a woman's name.

330. No, Colin. Beverly is a man's name.

331. Okay.

332. Oh, my goodness. Mmm.

333. Yeah. This is so indulgent.

334. I'm gonna need to do some exercise after this.

335. Can you please wipe your mouth?

336. It's absolutely disgusting.

337. What are you doing? Don't do that. Just get the stuff out of the back.

338. I believe we have a junior suite on reservation?

339. Yes, we have you in our Loch Lomond suite,

340. with a balcony and a pool view.

341. Would you like me to keep the reservation charges

342. under Von Donschlonger?

343. - It's Von Donkensteiger. - Is that German?

344. Yes. Actually, my father was a German Shepherd.

345. He looked quite like you.

346. You mean, like the dog?

347. Yeah, like the woof-woof.

348. Hmmm! Hm.

349. We are very excited for

350. An Evening with Beverly Luff Linn, for one magical night only.

351. Hmm.

352. You look more like a dog than a dog does.

353. No.

354. One of those jets is shooting water up the back of my shorts.

355. It's quite a delicious feeling.

356. Let's go downstairs.

357. Good evening, I'm the Captain. What can I get you folks?

358. I would like a Rumble in the Heather.

359. And I'll have a Rum and a Ramble.

360. Coming up.

361. You know, those might have poo on them.

362. You don't want to get poo in your mouth, do you?

363. Oh, no. No, we're not eating these poo nuts.

364. Here you go, ma'am. Here's your drink. And here you go, sir.

365. Thank you, Captain, and, uh, let's get some fresh nuts, huh?

366. Poo nuts. You know what I'm talking about.

367. And here's my nuts.

368. I feel like we've been on the go for days

369. and we haven't had any time to just sit and catch up.

370. Well, I'm really glad that we're getting to catch up,

371. but we're not really on the go, we're on the run.

372. Your brother's after us, and I wouldn't be surprised

373. if he kills me, but I think you will be fine.

374. You know, you can be really depressing sometimes.

375. I don't find myself depressing.

376. - Here's to not being depressing. - I don't think I am depressing.

377. Here comes Mr Beverly.

378. He makes you nervous, doesn't he?

379. And he's with his bearded friend, and they're coming this way.

380. What a lovely evening, isn't it?

381. Yes, it is.

382. Oh, uh, Colin.

383. Rodney. Rodney, this is Lulu.

384. Mr Rodney, I believe your booth is ready.

385. - Can you come with me, please? - Absolutely.

386. He's not very chatty, is he, Mr Beverly?

387. You know, I feel like I don't know anything about you, Colin.

388. Why don't you tell me something?

389. Why don't you tell me the story of Colin?

390. You better settle in because it's a long and interesting tale.

391. Okay.

392. So, my father's name was Keith, and his father was also called Keith,

393. uh, so that's two generations of Keiths in my family,

394. so it's a bit of a tradition.

395. And my father had an Uncle Colin, who he loved very much,

396. and he loved the name Colin,

397. and he wanted to be called Colin himself.

398. In fact, sometimes he would introduce himself to people

399. calling himself Colin as a joke.

400. Anyway, he looked up the name Colin,

401. and it meant "small young dog".

402. And so, when I was born,

403. he thought, "He looks like a small young dog."

404. And he named me Colin because I was born with teeth.

405. What?

406. That's it?

407. That is by far the most uninteresting story I have ever heard.

408. Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.

409. We should go sit with them. Come on.

410. Let's go.

411. Oh, do you mind if we join you?

412. We haven't properly met yet, Mr Beverly.

413. It's Mr Luff Linn, and it's two words.

414. Luff Linn.

415. Beverly, this is Colin and this is Lulu.

416. Beverly and I are partners.

417. Ah. You are... You're partners. Ah.

418. It's a platonic union.

419. That sounds nice.

420. Is it nice?

421. Yes. I mean, it's difficult to describe,

422. but let's just say that we love each other very much.

423. Colin and I are married.

424. How long have you been married for?

425. Two months.

426. Funny, isn't it?

427. You come into a shithole town in the middle of nowhere, like this,

428. and suddenly everything is very difficult.

429. I have to buy Beverly this tea that he loves, the Earl Grey.

430. I'm sure you haven't heard of it.

431. So, I went into the local village this morning,

432. and I gotta say, it was a real struggle,

433. but eventually I found it,

434. and, uh, Beverly has the satisfaction of getting the tea that he loves,

435. and I have the satisfaction of being the one who got it for him.

436. Are you going to put an earring back in that hole?

437. Hmm?

438. Yes.

439. Do excuse us.

440. You should put an earring back in that hole.

441. You should do what they say.

442. - Let it out and play.

443. Come on, Bev.

444. That's it, let it out.

445. Let that devil out.

446. There she blows, there she blows.

447. You look tired, Shane.

448. I hit the bottle last night.

449. Me too. Brenda finally kicked me out.

450. Isn't Brenda your cousin?

451. Yeah, I don't think she's attracted to me any more 'cause I got fat.

452. Oh, I thought you were always fat.

453. No, I used to be skinny.

454. I think it's great that you're dating your cousin, Tyrone.

455. Thank you, Shane.

456. What the fuck is that, Carl?

457. It's a poster. Some bearded guy dropped it off last night.

458. Bearded guy?

459. Yeah, he looked like Michael McDonald from the Doobie Brothers.

460. Who are the Doobie Brothers?

461. "Beverly Luff Linn."

462. It's the same black guy from the poster at the store,

463. and that's Lulu with him in every single photograph.

464. Yes, Tyrone.

465. It looks like they are having a pretty great time together, Shane.

466. Oh, Tyrone.

467. Listen to me. This man is in town.

468. He is having an event at the Moorhouse Hotel.

469. I don't know what this event is, but Lulu has gone missing.

470. Tyrone...

471. We need to go to the hotel. Immediately. To see if she is there.

472. Yes, we do, Shane.

473. We need to go to the hotel immediately to see if she is there.

474. Immediately.

475. Immediately.

476. - Immediately. - Immediately.

477. Immediately.

478. Immediately.

479. Immediately.

480. Immediately.

481. - Immediately. - Immediately.

482. - Immediately. - Immediately.

483. - Immediately. - Immediately.

484. Immediately.

485. Good evening. My name is Lawrence. Welcome to the Moorhouse Hotel.

486. That man there, is he here in the hotel?

487. I need to see him. I must speak with him. It's urgent.

488. Sir, you are more than welcome to wait in our Captain's Lounge.

489. Is the Captain in his lounge?

490. No, the Captain is not in his fucking lounge!

491. Mmm.

492. I love cold beer!

493. I get you cold beer!

494. I love cold beer!

495. I get you cold beer!

496. Oh, I love cold beer!

497. - I know, I know. We'll sort it out.

498. You're late, Tyrone.

499. What happened? I was worried stiff.

500. He's there, Shane.

501. They got a life-sized poster of him in the lobby.

502. He's being pushed around in a wheelchair by the bearded man.

503. Hello, Shane. You look fat today.

504. Like I said, I am coming back every day, and here I am.

505. Where is my fucking money?

506. I don't have your money, Adjay, but do you know this man?

507. Where the fuck did this come from?

508. This guy who looked like Michael McDonald

509. from the Doobie Brothers dropped it off.

510. There's a big event happening.

511. Adjay, I found a box of pictures of Lulu with this man.

512. It was hidden in her underwear drawer.

513. That man is dead.

514. That man ain't dead. That man is in a wheelchair at the Moorhouse Hotel.

515. That man is dead.

516. That man fucking drowned.

517. And I want my fucking money, Shane!

518. That man ain't dead.

519. Hello?

520. Excuse me.

521. I don't understand.

522. Wait, there's Rodney. Ask him what's going on.

523. I'm going in.

524. Excuse me, excuse me, Mr Rodney.

525. Uh... Is everything okay with Mr Beverly?

526. Mr Luff Linn just needs some peace and quiet.

527. He doesn't need to be disturbed.

528. Is he dead?

529. I've no idea. I'm not a doctor.

530. I just don't understand why you're so stressed out

531. about this Mr Beverly event.

532. I realise you don't understand, but the thing is, I do understand.

533. Okay then. You know what?

534. I'm going out, and I'm gonna feast on snacks.

535. Good! I hope you feast on snacks and you get so fat that your pants split!

536. Oh, you would love it if my pants split!

537. - I would!

538. I see you're writing again.

539. Come on, I'll run you a bath.

540. I saw that dreadful couple downstairs.

541. They seem pretty pissed off that the show has been postponed.

542. Well, well, well.

543. Um, I think I'm going to have a bit of a siesta now.

544. Hmmm!

545. You really should start writing again.

546. You write beautifully. You have a real way with words.

547. Hmmm!

548. Hmmm!

549. Hmmm!

550. Yes, I will make sure that she gets it.

551. I just saw Mr Beverly.

552. And he looked fine, exceptionally healthy in fact.

553. And I saw magical event posters all over town.

554. What are you thinking about?

555. Because I'll tell you what I'm thinking about.

556. I'm thinking about how I met your fat brother in the laundromat,

557. and I was promised to be paid $200,

558. of which I have received nothing!

559. I'm a professional! I make things happen!

560. And now what do I do?

561. I'm just protecting you so that you can see Mr Beverly and his magic event.

562. And I haven't even mentioned his fat, bearded, chipmunk-faced piggy partner,

563. who needs a punch right in his tightly-packed, poo-filled anus hole.

564. I'll pay you the $200, okay?

565. No, no, no, it's not about that. It's not about the money. Oh, no!

566. It's not about the money!

567. Now Colin has opened his big hairy trap, and Lulu hates him!

568. Colin.

569. I have an idea.

570. How about the two of us go out for an old-fashioned night on the town?

571. What do you say?

572. I'd really like that.

573. Let's paint the town, Colin.

574. Oh, I need to go to the toilet.

575. Okay.

576. Oh, my God, why are you here?

577. I found this box in your underwear drawer,

578. with all these pictures of you and the Luff Linn poster man.

579. Is this why you're here?

580. Let go of me!

581. Is he still alive? Because I heard he was dead!

582. - Get off of me.

583. Security, this man is accosting me! Security! Security!

584. Ow! My fucking ear, you fat fuck!

585. Who the fuck is Beverly Luff Linn?

586. Oh, shit! What happened, Shane?

587. Got kicked in the stomach.

588. I gotta go get my mom from the clinic.

589. That's fine, just drive.

590. Did you get kicked hard?

591. I should've blown out his kneecaps.

592. I'm very protective.

593. You put your earring back in, didn't you?

594. Oh, yes. Yeah, I did.

595. The mystery of Colin is deepening.

596. Go deeper, if you dare.

597. May I indulge you in a childhood story?

598. Give it to me, Colin.

599. My Grandmother Eileen used to have these hard candies

600. that were dusted in icing sugar. They were a real treat to be had.

601. Now I'm getting to the major part of the story.

602. When I was a little boy, I didn't like to, uh...

603. Do poo-poos inside,

604. so I would march into the wood for hours,

605. just waiting until I had to go, you know...

606. And I would just do it right there in the woods,

607. or I would do it on a rock,

608. or I would, um, dig a little hole and cover it with leaves,

609. but it's not the way that we want little boys to go potty, is it?

610. No, it is not.

611. So, my grandmother, very cleverly, decided to give me these candies,

612. which I was crazy about, whenever...

613. Doo-doos would come out indoors.

614. So, whenever I went poopy inside,

615. I would run down the hallway, yelling,

616. "Grammy, Grammy, come and look in the bowl! Come and look in the bowl!"

617. And then we would all gather around the bowl

618. and just look inside and count the doo-doos, and guess what?

619. What?

620. She would give me a piece of candy

621. for every piece of poo-poo that I would produce.

622. One time, I got 14 pieces of candy.

623. Grammy passed away some time ago.

624. She was hit in the back of her head with a hammer.

625. Okay, enough stories. It's time. I'm gonna lay it on the line.

626. Lulu, I may be a great deal younger than you,

627. but I think you are the most beautiful,

628. most interesting woman that I have ever met.

629. And, yes, I know everybody else thinks that too,

630. but I need to know...

631. And please be honest with me. I need to know...

632. If any part of you is attracted to any part of me.

633. This is so unexpected.

634. That's okay, you don't have to answer immediately.

635. Look, I'm just in a very emotional place right now, you know?

636. I just left my husband, and I have this event tomorrow night.

637. Colin! Colin! Colin! Colin! Colin!

638. Selfish! Selfish! Selfish! Selfish!

639. Crabs.

640. Yummy!

641. I had tickets to the magical Luff Linn,

642. but I heard he had been delayed 24 hours.

643. What makes the Luff Linn so magical, Mrs Paris?

644. Psst. Miss Lulu.

645. Yes?

646. I have this for you.

647. Thank you.

648. Good evening.

649. What did Mr Lawrence want?

650. He was just making sure you were protecting me.

651. I am.

652. I'm gonna go get ready for bed.

653. Hmmm!

654. Hmm?

655. Is this our song?

656. Lord, this brings back memories.

657. Endless nights in the Lamb and Lily.

658. First time I saw you.

659. And you looked very smart with your orange hat.

660. Hmmm!

661. Right. Tea and bed, Bev.

662. You look relaxed, Colin.

663. Yeah, I'm just reading about Palominos.

664. They're a very sought-after parade horse.

665. Very pretty horse, I must say.

666. Well, I'm wiped.

667. Good night.

668. Would you like me to read you a couple of paragraphs?

669. No, thanks.

670. There we go.

671. You look surprised. You expecting somebody else?

672. No.

673. No? Good. Because there will be nobody else performing here tonight.

674. The show's over.

675. Yes.

676. Yes.

677. - No. - Yes.

678. No. Oh, God, no.

679. I'm sorry, I must have gotten in the wrong bed.

680. I like you in my bed, it's fine.

681. - No. No, it's not fine. - It's fine. I like you in my bed.

682. No, Colin, it's not fine. I'm sorry.

683. Actually, Colin, I have my period.

684. Can you run to the drug store and get me some heavy flow tampons?

685. The green box. It's an emergency.

686. I'm going as fast as I can.

687. - Good morning, Lawrence. - Good morning, Miss Lulu.

688. Can you please see that this gets to Mr Luff Linn?

689. It must be delivered to him

690. when his male bearded partner is not present. Is that clear?

691. He will receive the message right away.

692. - Thank you. - Ta-ta.

693. Skinny little pig.

694. Strong coffee, Bev. This should wake you up.

695. Hmmm.

696. I had to haul a special someone

697. all the way from the armchair to the queen-sized bed last night.

698. Hmmm.

699. Now, this may look like a lot of food,

700. but you should eat all of it.

701. Hmmm.

702. I'm just concerned about your health. I'm not badgering.

703. Good morning to you both.

704. My name is Kennedy Gordon. I am the manager of the Moorhouse Hotel.

705. It is a pleasure finally having you stay with us.

706. Hmmm.

707. I also wanted to check in with you

708. regarding our evening with Beverly Luff Linn,

709. and whether we're all set for this evening.

710. Yes, at this precise moment, I would say we're all set

711. for this evening's performance. Isn't that right, Bev?

712. Hmm.

713. Oh, and Lawrence asked me to give you this letter in private, Mr Luff Linn.

714. What...

715. Um... Please enjoy your breakfast!

716. Should we open it?

717. So, I get up at 1:00 a.m. to see you alone, finally,

718. and you send your creepy bearded partner. Why?

719. Anything interesting?

720. Hmmm.

721. Right, when you finish that steak,

722. those eggs, that steak on that plate with those eggs,

723. the orange, if you want, and there's a boiled egg there,

724. the toast, and I want you to have the jam with the toast.

725. We're gonna hit the fitness centre and loosen your hips for this evening.

726. Hmmmm!

727. You're in great shape, but your pelvis is kinked.

728. I got them. I had to go to three different stores to get them.

729. The first store said they wouldn't have them in for a month,

730. and I said, "That's no use. It's a monthly cycle," and the second store...

731. Listen to me, you little bitch. We got your note.

732. I told you to back off.

733. You shouldn't speak to a lady like that, Mr Rodney.

734. Shut up. This is your final warning.

735. What? Are you gonna chew me out now too?

736. How about you?

737. - Drive!

738. I just witnessed two male suspicious figures driving a blue sports coupé.

739. They were wearing wigs, and when I noticed them, they sped off.

740. That'll be Shane and Tyrone.

741. Colin, do you think you could give me a massage?

742. Yes, I can.

743. You're getting really good at this, Colin.

744. Then you won't mind me telling you that

745. I saw Mr Beverly in the fitness centre exercising,

746. and I pulled the finger at him.

747. What? Colin, why would you do that?

748. Look, I don't need you causing any more trouble

749. than there already is, okay? Please.

750. I'm going for a walk.

751. You will always be alone, Colin, with that big hairy trap of yours!

752. Why is it so hairy?

753. Would you like to come with me?

754. I would like that.

755. And thank you for the tampons.

756. It was a pleasure to buy your tampons.

757. Ooh.

758. Good afternoon. Yes, this is Lawrence, Mr Gordon.

759. I have Mr Rodney here, Mr Beverly Luff Linn's partner.

760. Apparently, they would like to delay the event

761. for another 24 hours. Yes. Okay.

762. Thank you very much.

763. - Well? - Mr Gordon will be here very shortly.

764. Good day, Mr Rodney. Lovely to see you again.

765. Now, we have a full hotel of guests anxiously awaiting

766. an evening with Beverly Luff Linn, for one magical night only.

767. And I am happy to accommodate your request for another 24 hours,

768. but...

769. I'm afraid there can be no further delays after that.

770. Am I being clear, Mr Rodney?

771. Yes, you're being clear.

772. Wonderful! Wonderful!

773. Wonderful.

774. It's open!

775. - It's her. - Are you sure?

776. Of course I'm sure.

777. I have to say, when Beverly Luff Linn said he had taken up with a man,

778. you are not what I expected.

779. What, are you from Scotland?

780. I met Beverly while I was studying embroidery in Aberdeen.

781. I don't give one, or two, or 17 fucks what you were studying

782. in Aberdeen or Edinburgh

783. or the Orkney Islands, ya fucking bushy bearded cunt!

784. I only pursued your request

785. because that skinny little pig ended our marriage,

786. and I wanted to see her in the flesh.

787. It's supposed to offer closure.

788. I see.

789. How'd you get my number?

790. Beverly gave it to me,

791. during one of our more marinated sessions in the Lamb and Lily.

792. He was suffering from acute depression.

793. He said if ever he was in trouble, I had to contact you.

794. Please don't contact me again.

795. Ever again!

796. Adjay, I've got good news.

797. That guy Colin is at the Moorhouse Hotel with Lulu.

798. They should have your money.

799. So?

800. So, you should go there, to the Moorhouse Hotel.

801. There is something you are not getting, Shane.

802. It seems I was correct to bring Edwin. Edwin!

803. I hear you have a back room. Can you take me there?

804. Sure, Edwin.

805. And I want my fucking money, Shane!

806. What happened to your face, Shane?

807. Edwin happened to my face, you big fat penis face.

808. I wonder why they postponed it again.

809. Can we please stop discussing it?

810. How are we doing over here?

811. Oh, uh, I'll have the usual. Thanks, Captain.

812. And for you, ma'am?

813. No, thank you.

814. I'm not feeling so well, so I'm going to go to my room.

815. Maybe you're thirsty, or hungry, dehydrated or low blood sugar.

816. My God, Colin, I just left my husband. Do you even remember that?

817. I've been holed up in this hotel for days because I'm desperate to see

818. An Evening with Beverly Luff Linn, for one magical night only,

819. and I don't know if that's ever gonna happen.

820. And for some insane reason, I'm being called a little bitch

821. by Beverly's fat, disgusting, creepy partner,

822. with his little chipmunk body

823. shoved into his pants, with his little fat legs.

824. So, no, I'm not feeling very thirsty or hungry, okay?

825. Okay.

826. She's having her period.

827. Oh, dear.

828. I had to go to three stores to get green tampons.

829. Rum and a Ramble for you, sir.

830. You have beautiful hands.

831. These two stupid, fat hands?

832. I'm Paulette.

833. Nice to meet you, Paulette. I'm Colin.

834. So, it's a bit of a tradition in my family

835. for the men to be named Keith,

836. but my father just loved the name Colin,

837. and so it came to pass that he named me, his only son...

838. Colin.

839. Colin Keith Threadener,

840. so the Keith is still in there.

841. Yeah, he was a bit of a rebel, my father.

842. You could fill me with your stories all night long.

843. Mmm.

844. Well, it's really nice to hear that at a time like this.

845. Colin.

846. Paulette.

847. Is there some place we can be alone?

848. That was beautiful.

849. I like you, Paulette.

850. Eh, that's good, sweetie, that's good.

851. Now... Uh-huh.

852. Really good, really good.

853. Now, that's gonna cost you 50 bucks.

854. She usually charges $80,

855. but she said I could pay $50,

856. and we ended up settling with me only paying $37.

857. - So, you had sex with a prostitute? - Yes.

858. We went all the way.

859. All the way up there, as they say.

860. Ugh. Well, good for you, Colin.

861. Good night

862. I was a virgin, and now I'm not.

863. I understand that. I'm letting them know right now.

864. Valerie! You have to load the equipment

865. through the service entrance, not the main entrance!

866. I don't know where the fucking service entrance is!

867. I need you to follow the signs, Valerie!

868. I can't hold your hand through this, as much as you might like me to!

869. Let's get this baby seal out of bed.

870. - Here's your tea.

871. - Big night tonight. Showtime. - Hmmm.

872. Okay, your vaporiser is on,

873. the sandalwood is infused with lime and tangerine,

874. the bath salts are by the tub,

875. the flexing mat is under the window,

876. and your breakfast is under the cloche.

877. Are we magical?

878. Hmm.

879. Are you upset that I had sex with a prostitute last night?

880. No. Are you going to get out of bed? Today is the event.

881. Help! I've slipped and I've fallen into the pond!

882. Can anybody hear me? I'm trapped under the ice!

883. Who is Beverly Luff Linn?

884. Help! I'm trapped! Who is Beverly Luff Linn?

885. Who is Beverly Luff Linn? Who is...

886. He was a poet.

887. Okay?

888. He was my professor.

889. We were a couple,

890. and we were passionately in love.

891. One spring, he took me to the exotic island of Prami.

892. There was a bird sanctuary there, and we had the best time.

893. All we would do is hold hands and sing to the birds.

894. These funny little birds with flat heads...

895. Do you know those kinds of birds?

896. - No. - They're beautiful.

897. It was heaven.

898. But on the last day, he said,

899. "Lulu, I'm going to take you to a secret cove."

900. We went there,

901. and he swam ahead of me, out to this point,

902. and I remember he looked back,

903. waved at me, and then plunged deep beneath the surface.

904. And I tried to catch up to him. I swam so fast,

905. but he never came up,

906. and I couldn't find him.

907. So I went back to the hotel, and our friend Cornelius was there.

908. I remember crying in Cornelius' arms

909. when they told me that he was dead.

910. Drowned...

911. Probably eaten by sharks.

912. Why didn't you tell me all this before?

913. Because I've never told anyone before,

914. except for Adjay,

915. but he's not interested unless it's vegan.

916. I've never been in love. At least, not until I met you.

917. But not the kind that you're talking about, where it's mutual.

918. Are you still in love with him?

919. Are you going to get out of bed, Colin?

920. Are you going to answer the question, Lulu?

921. No, because I'm brushing my hair.

922. Uh, Mr Rodney Luff Linn?

923. It's actually Rodney Von Donkensteiger, but Luff Linn will do.

924. Uh, Mitch Stemp, events coordinator.

925. Nice to meet you, Mitch.

926. I just want to let you know that everything is moving along smoothly,

927. and I would like to lock the set by 2:00 p.m. today,

928. if that's okay. If that works for you and Mr Luff Linn.

929. Yeah, that's fine.

930. Uh, I just want to confirm

931. that, uh, Mr Luff Linn will enter from stage left along this line,

932. and then he will end up in his chair to the right of your good self.

933. Then he'll sort of, like, go...

934. No, I get it, you don't have to explain it. Okay.

935. Great.

936. Great.

937. Oh. Am I looking forward to the event.

938. It will be magical.

939. Beverly, I want you to look at me.

940. You and I both know why you chose to hold this event

941. in this shitbox dickhole hotel.

942. I know you know what I'm talking about,

943. but I need to tell you that I love you deeply.

944. You're the man of my dreams,

945. and we can survive whatever this is.

946. For tonight, the event will be magical.

947. A magical, magical night with my magical, magical Beverly.

948. And now, I'm going to make you some tea,

949. and it will be magical.

950. Hmmm.

951. Is that really what you're wearing?

952. You chose these clothes for me.

953. Well, I think you should wear a tie.

954. You said I looked good. I don't have a tie.

955. Can't you just find a tie somewhere?

956. I think you should calm down.

957. Well, I really think we should just get down there, okay?

958. The event doesn't start for an hour.

959. Why does everyone always have to get so stressed out all the time?

960. Because I want to get good seats!

961. Yeah, I know you want to get good seats,

962. because you want to see Mr Beverly and his partner with his magical beard

963. do whatever they do in their magical event.

964. Yes, I do want to see that.

965. What's so magical about this magical event anyway?

966. I don't know, but whatever it is, it will probably change your life.

967. He is by far the most brilliant man I have ever met.

968. Well, that sounds like I've won the golden ticket, doesn't it?

969. To the most spectacular evening of whatever the fuck this is,

970. provided to you by the man who shat all over you in the ocean.

971. Sorry, that's the first time I've said the words "fuck" and "shat"

972. in a long time, and they are horrible words.

973. Well, good for you.

974. I'm going downstairs, and I'm going to get us front-row seats!

975. Happy birthday, Lulu.

976. - What time is it? - 6:50.

977. Okay. Do we all know what we're doing?

978. - Yes. - Okay.

979. Then let's fucking do it!

980. Let's fucking do it!

981. Good luck, everyone.

982. Good evening. Please sit wherever you like.

983. Ah, good evening, Miss Lulu.

984. I truly hope you enjoy tonight's show.

985. Thank you.

986. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

987. Good evening.

988. My name's Kennedy Gordon. I am the manager of the Moorhouse Hotel.

989. Well, after some delays, I am beyond thrilled

990. to be standing here introducing this evening's event.

991. For many of us, this will be a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

992. So, please, let's just meditate on every moment.

993. Okay...

994. Welcome to

995. An Evening with Beverly Luff Linn,

996. for one magical night only!

997. ? Those little ticks of time

998. ? Keep on tocking, tocking, tocking, tocking

999. ? Ticky, ticky, tick, tick-tocking all the day

1000. But those little ticks of time

1001. Know no reason Know no rhyme

1002. They just ticky, ticky, tick, tick-tock the time away

1003. ? The sun picks up little drops of water from the sea

1004. As she rolls around the sky

1005. When her hands are full endowed

1006. ? She makes a little cloud

1007. ? And sends the little cloud drifting by

1008. Hmmm!

1009. Thank you. Please, sit.

1010. When I first moved to Aberdeen,

1011. this next piece became my shepherd.

1012. It guided me away from the shame that had trotted up inside me.

1013. I'm sure a lot of you felt the same way I did

1014. on those misty moors of Aberdeenshire.

1015. This next song is about the ocean,

1016. and what it means to be alone.

1017. Specifically, in Aberdeenshire.

1018. I could have been an engineer or a sailor on the sea

1019. Whenever there's a fault to find They always pick on me

1020. I used to play at centre half when I was very young

1021. ? Sticking out for fair play I never could hold my tongue

1022. The men at the top were watching and they quickly spotted me

1023. ? They said, "Now there's a decent man We'll make him a referee!"

1024. I could have been an engineer or a sailor on the sea

1025. Whenever there's a fault to find They always pick on me

1026. My real name is Edmund Summers.

1027. I loved someone once.

1028. I loved her with every waking moment,

1029. and then I left her.

1030. I have a great friend

1031. who loves me very much.

1032. He's up on the stage with me tonight.

1033. Rodney, you're my best friend.

1034. You look after me, you care for me,

1035. and I do love you, Rodney.

1036. But I'm not in love with you, Rodney.

1037. I left my love with someone else,

1038. and I don't know if she will ever have me back.

1039. She's the reason I'm here.

1040. Happy birthday, Lulu.

1041. I'd like to dedicate this next song to you.

1042. It's called...

1043. Hmmm! Hmm!

1044. Wait a second!

1045. That's my wife!

1046. And it's her birthday,

1047. and I want to give her a fucking cake.

1048. Happy birthday, sweetie.

1049. I've had enough of this shit. We're in the middle of a show.

1050. Chipmunk!

1051. Fucking cunts!

1052. Hmmm. Hmm?

1053. - That's it? - Lulu.

1054. What was that all about?

1055. "I don't know if she'll ever have me back."

1056. I meant what I said.

1057. I think I did. Maybe I got carried away.

1058. I get so anxious before these shows, I can't speak.

1059. All I say is... Hmmm!

1060. My stomach hurts, I get gas...

1061. Well, we all get gas, and then I go up there,

1062. and sometimes I can't remember a word I say up on that stage.

1063. So, you didn't mean it?

1064. I don't know what I mean any more.

1065. In fact, in this precise moment,

1066. I don't really know exactly who on Earth I am.

1067. But what about all the love you left with me?

1068. Hmmm! You see, you see, I'm doing it again.

1069. Why did you leave me there alone?

1070. When I swam past the point and I saw that ocean,

1071. I knew I had to keep swimming,

1072. I knew it was the time.

1073. I know it sounds corny, but something was calling me out there.

1074. I had to keep swimming.

1075. But where did you go?

1076. I swam around the corner, I hid behind a rock.

1077. What?

1078. Then that guy Cornelius, remember him from the hotel?

1079. Yes.

1080. Well, he was in on it.

1081. He got me off the island.

1082. I think I paid him 80 bucks to help me.

1083. You big witch.

1084. Who is this guy?

1085. You're a big witch.

1086. Are you just gonna poo on her again like you did last time?

1087. Colin, stay out of this.

1088. No, I will not stay out of this.

1089. I've had to put up with Beverly Luff Linn

1090. and his shit event for the past week

1091. because the woman I am in love with is in love with him.

1092. So, no, I will not stay out of this.

1093. You have no idea, Edmund, how lucky you are

1094. to even have the possibility of loving this special woman.

1095. Oh.

1096. I know all too well how special she is.

1097. There was a little Lubird

1098. As little as can be

1099. And everywhere that Edmund went

1100. ? The Lubird went with he

1101. They went to swim in oceans

1102. They went to walk on land And everywhere they went together

1103. They went there holding hands

1104. Meine Kleine Lubird.

1105. Do you know what it feels like when you simply don't belong?

1106. Yes.

1107. Edmund, wait!

1108. Someone drinking a Rum and a Ramble?

1109. Uh, well, let's see. Yeah, it would appear so.

1110. And how is it?

1111. It's as creamy and delicious as the last time.

1112. Can I join you?

1113. Captain, I'll have two A Rumble in the Heather.

1114. Absolutely, Miss Lulu.

1115. And two more Rum and a Rambles for me, thanks, Captain.

1116. Going out with a bang at the Moorhouse Hotel?

1117. I'm driving out in the morning.

1118. Where are you going?

1119. Colin would rather that remain top secret, thank you.

1120. Well, Lulu would like Colin to tell her.

1121. You don't have access to that information.

1122. You should know that Edmund was my first love.

1123. You can have other loves.

1124. Two Rumbles and a Heather.

1125. And two large Rum and a Ramble.

1126. I love this song.

1127. Don't you love this song?

1128. I'm not familiar with it.

1129. But do you love it?

1130. It's all right.

1131. But don't you love it?

1132. Do you want to dance?

1133. It's been a long time. My moves are rusty.

1134. It's okay, mine are too.

1135. You know what I was thinking?

1136. Every girl needs a Colin, Colin.

1137. Be right back.

1138. Now, Colin. Now's the time.

1139. I love you, Colin.

1140. What did you say?

1141. I think I said I love you.

1142. I love you too, Lulu.

1143. I'll tell you something, Bev.

1144. This young pup will be very keen

1145. to get away from the shitpit dickhole that was the Moorhouse Hotel.

1146. There's your nibbles.

1147. Nibbles, Bev.

1148. Bev, nibbles.

1149. Nibbles, Bev.

1150. Bev, nibbles.

1151. Bev, nibbles.

1152. Bev, Bev.

1153. Whoa, Bev!

1154. Help! Help! Help! Help!

1155. We've got a death in here!

1156. Help! Help!

1157. - This is a death scene! - Hmmm!

1158. - Hmmm. - Oh, my...

1159. Good God, Bev.

1160. You scared the hell out of me. We all thought you'd died.

1161. Hmmm!

1162. Hmmm!