American Pie Presents: Beta House (2007)

1. Man, will you look at all the hot tail running around this place?

2. Look, look. Oh, God.

3. Dad, listen, could you just... Please, please don't embarrass me today, okay?

4. - Embarrass you? - Not today.

5. Son, you spent the entire summer depressed

6. because your girlfriend ran off with that pretty boy, Trent.

7. Now, you gotta get out there and crush some ass!

8. It's the only way to get your mind off her.

9. - Yes. Yes, that is what I'm talking about. - Yes, huh?

10. "Crush some ass"? Oh, come on.

11. Wait, wait, wait.

12. - I'll show you how it's done. - Oh, no. No, no, no.

13. Watch this. Just watch and learn. - Just please drive.

14. Excuse me, ladies? Hi. Hi.

15. - This is my son, Erik. - Hi.

16. And he's moving in today,

17. and we were just wondering if maybe either of you were interested

18. in showing him a good time?

19. No, thanks.

20. Oh!

21. I'm sorry.

22. - He's a stallion, just like his old man! - No, Dad, come on!

23. Well, I tried, Erik.

24. Yeah, thanks. Now I'm gonna have to transfer.

25. - Son, son? - Yeah.

26. I want to show you something.

27. That is the list of all the chicks I ever banged.

28. Are you serious?

29. - Is that two-sided? It is! Nice! - It is!

30. Yeah. It's a good goal for you to try to keep up with your old man.

31. Hey, Dad, why isn't Mom's name the last name on the list there?

32. Uh...

33. We didn't tell you, but when you were three, we had a trial separation for a week.

34. Trial...

35. Dad, there's like... Well, there's 10 names here for that week alone.

36. Yeah, I went on kind of a poon-tang bender, there.

37. Is that my mom's name?

38. Yeah, you know, on second thought, I'll just kind of hang on to that.

39. Come on, guys. Let's get loaded here!

40. - I'm sorry. - Cooze, grab a box.

41. - Did you have sex with his mom? - Yeah.

42. How was it?

43. Wow! This place is amazing.

44. Hi.

45. God, there are girls everywhere.

46. This is my room.

47. It still kind of sucks that we're not gonna be rooming together.

48. Dude, whatever. You're gonna be right down the hall.

49. Besides, I got a single.

50. - Hold on to this. I'm gonna find a bathroom. - All right.

51. I'll be right back.

52. Hi, how you doing? Mike Coozeman. Glad to meet you.

53. Wow. This is gonna take some getting used to.

54. Yeah, isn't this the guy's bathroom?

55. No, it's coed. All the dorms are like this.

56. Cool, coed, yeah.

57. Don't worry. I won't peek.

58. Yeah, I won't peek... I won't peek, either.

59. I'm Ashley, what's your name? - I'm Erik.

60. Well, it's nice to meet you, Erik. - It's nice to meet you, too.

61. Hey, do you think you could pass me my shampoo? It's just right there.

62. - Yeah. Just give me a minute here, okay? - Thanks.

63. Erik?

64. Erik?

65. A little help here?

66. Ride the white whale, baby!

67. Ride the white whale.

68. - Oh, yeah. - Oh, my God. Oh, man. I'm sorry.

69. I'm sorry, the door was...

70. - Hey, you must be Erik. - I am.

71. - I'm Bobby. - Hi.

72. Hey. - Hey, hey.

73. - Come on in, man. No, no, no. It's...

74. - You guys are busy. I can come back later. - Okay, listen. This is your place, too,

75. and don't worry about Margie. She's not exactly shy.

76. No, she's not.

77. - Sit down. You want a beer? - No.

78. - You sure? Yeah.

79. Are you hungry? Margie cooked up some mean bratwurst.

80. - No, I just had a sandwich. Thanks. All right.

81. - Where're you from? - East Great Falls.

82. East Great Falls.

83. Slow down, sassy pants.

84. All right, baby? I'm trying to have a conversation.

85. Yeah.

86. - College! Yeah! Best years of our lives! - Yeah.

87. Put it up.

88. Oh, high... High-five.

89. You wanna jump in on this?

90. - Come on. Margie loves it. - No, no, no. Margie, no, no.

91. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, I'm good.

92. Look, it was very nice to meet you, Bobby and Margie.

93. Actually, I just came to change my pants here.

94. I spilled a drink on it earlier

95. Are you role-playing again?

96. Say the safe word, baby. Say the safe... Baby? Are you choking?

97. - Dude, I think she's choking! - What?

98. I think she's choking. You gotta do something.

99. - Do something. I can't do anything!

100. I'm tied up and basted like a Thanksgiving turkey.

101. Hold on. From the spot. - Come on

102. - Oh. - Breathe.

103. What do you want me to do with all this...

104. Get out!

105. - Erik? No! Sorry.

106. All right, son!

107. Yeah! That's what being a Stifler's all about.

108. - No, no, no. She was choking. That's it!

109. - I was helping her. - That's how Stiflers do college.

110. Now, let's just give these kids some privacy.

111. Doing good. Keep it up.

112. I'm not trying to freak you out, roomie, but I just totally came.

113. Hey, ladies.

114. Is this where Laura Johnson and Sara Coleman live?

115. Yeah, I'm Laura Johnson and this is my roommate, Sara.

116. My name is Dwight Stifler.

117. I'm here with the Freshman Welcoming Committee,

118. and I've been given instructions to escort you ladies

119. on a guided tour of the entire campus.

120. - That's so sweet. - Yeah.

121. Should we wear anything special?

122. Dude, there is no way that everybody in this is a student here.

123. Look, he's holding her boob.

124. He is.

125. No, man, they are. I've had a subscription for, like, a year.

126. That'll be good.

127. That's not a cologne ad.

128. I've used that exact issue more times than I can count.

129. You smell pretty.

130. - Sorry. - That was so uncalled for.

131. - Wow. - Is this Erik Stifler's room?

132. Yeah.

133. Welcome to college, boys.

134. Yeah. No, I wouldn't lie to you. I'm dead serious.

135. Most sororities won't even give you a bid unless you've had a threesome.

136. It shows that you work well within the group dynamic,

137. and that you're really prepared for sisterhood.

138. You know what I'm saying?

139. - Really? - Yeah.

140. Oh, man. Who is this guy?

141. Dude, he's the reason we came to college here.

142. Here we are, boys.

143. Oh, man, she's hot.

144. - You like that? - That was awesome.

145. I like to give a little bit back every now and then.

146. - Hey, hey, shower buddy! - Oh, hey. Hi.

147. Shower buddy?

148. Yeah, Erik and I met when I was showering this afternoon.

149. - Really? - Yeah.

150. Oh, right, the coed bathrooms. Yeah.

151. It took me about three years to get the board of trustees

152. to approve that one. Worth it.

153. Oh, Ashley, hi. This...

154. Everyone, this is Ashley. Ashley, this is everyone.

155. Hi, everybody.

156. This is my roommate, Denise. She just came here from Georgia.

157. Hey, y'all.

158. Well, I do declare, a real life Scarlett O'Hara.

159. Oh, my.

160. Well, hey, you guys aren't taking off, are you?

161. Yeah, we're going to this cocktail mixer at the Epsilon Sigma Kappa House.

162. Oh, no, no, no. The Geek House? No, trust me.

163. - I wanna stay but... But we promised, so...

164. Plus, Ashley thinks this party is a little bit déclassé.

165. What? Like sleazy?

166. Hey, baby. How you doing, sweetheart? Grab a beer.

167. No, you got the wrong idea about this whole thing.

168. Look, this is just a little meet and greet that I set up to, sort of,

169. you know, demonstrate our school spirit

170. and our, you know, dedication to this university.

171. Beta House fucking rules!

172. Real classy.

173. - Erik, it was really nice to see you again. - Yeah.

174. - Guys, till next time. - Yeah, see you.

175. Bye, guys. Bye.

176. - It's nice to meet you. - See you.

177. Hey, Stifler, what's up with this Geek House?

178. Yeah, I never even heard of it.

179. I know a Geek house sounds harmless, but they are a nightmare.

180. They were a social club for decades,

181. till a group of rich geeks came in and threw some money around,

182. built the house, got a new charter.

183. A geek fraternity?

184. To get in, you need, like, perfect SAT scores.

185. Transfer $2 million to my Swiss account.

186. Then they check your family tree and calculate future earnings potential.

187. No, I said buy at 60, not sell at 60. You're fucking fired!

188. They got billionaire alumni.

189. Hey, it's only 100 grand.

190. They run the student government, and the faculty loves them.

191. But don't even get me started on the women.

192. They attract the hottest women from the entire school.

193. Who wants to hang out with a house full of geeks?

194. It's a new world out there.

195. These women realize that the geeks are gonna be the millionaires

196. right out of school.

197. They've just adjusted their nesting habits.

198. Hey, don't sweat it. Beta's still where the party's at, right?

199. Look out! Stifler, the judging's about to begin.

200. Judging?

201. Oh, the Beta House never disappoints.

202. - Are you serious? It's always like this? - All the time.

203. - These girls are ridiculous. - Ridiculous.

204. Get the clipboard.

205. Sweetie, you are naughty. I am keeping you after class.

206. Bring that ruler. I've also been bad.

207. And this one over here's got great abs.

208. They look like fresh buttered rolls right out of the oven.

209. This is the best idea I've ever had!

210. - No, I just... I can't handle it. - This is chicken scratch. You're a caveman.

211. She's pulling them out. She's pulling them out.

212. Perfect 10!

213. - Beta! Beta! Beta! Beta!

214. Ladies and gentlemen, depravity is haunting this university.

215. Sex, alcohol, vulgarity, stupidity.

216. Once, this was a respected institution of higher learning.

217. We are declaring a new age at this university.

218. An age in which a student's worth

219. is no longer measured by his blood alcohol level,

220. but rather, his GPA.

221. We formed this fraternity to change the way geeks are thought of in this country.

222. But as history has proven,

223. for a new civilization to emerge,

224. another must crumble.

225. We must destroy the Betas.

226. Hey, Stacey, my hands are wet. I can't get this beer open.

227. Will you do it for me?

228. Thanks. Those Kegel muscle exercises are really paying off, huh?

229. So what do we have to do to become Betas?

230. Well, obviously, you guys are cool with me.

231. What you need to do is impress the rush chair, Wesley.

232. - Have you guys met Wesley? Uh-uh.

233. You haven't? All right. He's in the other room.

234. Come on, I'll introduce you. Follow me.

235. Don't be fooled by his appearance.

236. His nickname is the Blackout Menace.

237. He's a perfect student,

238. except for his habit of getting belligerently drunk,

239. blacking out, causing complete and total mayhem,

240. and never remembering a thing.

241. Uh...

242. Excuse me. Where is this plane going to?

243. Detroit.

244. Thank God.

245. All right, excuse me. Where is it coming from?

246. Bangkok.

247. - Whose kid is that? - Yours. You adopted him yesterday.

248. Congratulations.

249. Hey, buddy.

250. Are you serious?

251. Yep, just dropped Sung Lee off at their embassy this last week.

252. Kid nearly caused an international incident.

253. Wesley!

254. Sorry to interrupt. Wesley, this is my cousin and his buddies.

255. - Hi. Hey.

256. - Erik, right? Yeah.

257. Mike Coozeman. How come we didn't see you last year?

258. I was in a Mexican jail. I had to tunnel my way out.

259. But I made it back in time for finals which is what we're all about here at Beta,

260. education.

261. Right.

262. - You wanna dance? - Yeah.

263. Let's get sexy.

264. Hey, you ready?

265. There's a hundred hot horny chicks here tonight. I'm counting on you.

266. Get some, baby! Get some!

267. Call me irresponsible

268. Call me unreliable

269. Oh, you gotta be kidding me!

270. Are you gonna start drinking? Because I desperately need a wing man.

271. No, I'm not drinking tonight, Bull. I had a rough night last week.

272. Oh, really? Really? That's fine.

273. Because then I just might have to tell these fine, young ladies

274. about a certain frat boy and a Mexican transvestite!

275. All right, all right, all right.

276. One drink.

277. Yeah, just one.

278. Hey.

279. What the hell's with you, man?

280. Can you not see all this prime ass a foot from your face?

281. Yeah, man, I see. It's... It's pretty cool.

282. Yeah, it's cool. You should be tearing it up!

283. You guys, it's just...

284. Remember last year? We came up here, I had the time of my life.

285. You know, I did stuff I never would have dreamed I would've ever done,

286. and I kind of figured it would change me.

287. Yeah, okay. So you got drunk and you ran naked, right?

288. But you blew it with a really hot sorority chick

289. to run home and have sex with your little girlfriend.

290. Yeah, Erik. That stunt might have won you points in high school,

291. - but this isn't high school. - No.

292. I guess you guys are right.

293. Listen, college is your one chance to start over. Okay?

294. You get to hit the reset button on life. You get to be anybody you wanna be.

295. - Never thought of it like that before. - Yeah. Here, slug that.

296. - That a boy. Julie, this is my cousin, Erik. Hey.

297. I just wanted you to know Erik voted for you in the hottie contest,

298. and since he's, like, the ladies' man of the family,

299. I totally trust his taste.

300. Thanks, cutie.

301. - You want to dance, gorgeous? - I'd love to.

302. Anybody you wanna be. Yeah.

303. Wow, you can really put that away.

304. You kidding me? This stuff is like water to me.

305. Hey, hey, everybody, settle down for a second!

306. We're just having a little, minor technical glitch.

307. No big deal. We'll get everything fixed up in a minute.

308. I don't think so, Stifler!

309. You see, you overloaded your prehistoric circuits.

310. I'm afraid your music won't be coming on for the rest of the night.

311. Don't... Don't listen to him. We'll get everything fixed in a minute.

312. That won't matter because by Jake's calculations,

313. based on the amount of kegs and liquor you bought,

314. you should be running out, just about now.

315. - Bullshit. - The fucking kegs are dry!

316. We're out of fucking booze!

317. I know!

318. Settle down! It's fine. We'll make a beer run.

319. They could do that,

320. or you can all come to the Geek House where we have enough liquor to last a week,

321. along with all the champagne you can drink.

322. We also have a heated pool and enough swimsuits for everyone.

323. That is, if you even want to wear one.

324. Yeah!

325. Are you fucking kidding me?

326. Oh, it's your choice, people.

327. - Stay here and get puked on... - Okay, I'm out of here.

328. - So sorry... - Or come party, VIP style.

329. All right!

330. Fucking Edgar.

331. Prick really knows how to throw that money around, huh?

332. Oh, yeah.

333. Oh, but it doesn't help that numbnuts here barfed all over the chicks, either.

334. Yeah.

335. - Sorry about that. - You look disgusting.

336. - Erik, for crying out loud, man! - I'll clean it up.

337. Not again.

338. Morning, sexy.

339. Some party, huh?

340. Hey, baby. How you doing?

341. No. No, no, no.

342. How you feeling there, cuz?

343. A lot better. Thanks.

344. No need for thanks, we're family.

345. Right now, I gotta run. I gotta go down to the basement,

346. take care of some official Beta business.

347. - Have some of Peaches' eggs. - Okay.

348. All right. Thanks, Peaches.

349. Oh, buddy.

350. - I love this place. That a boy!

351. Yeah. - Off the hook! Work it!

352. So, guys, the hard-on champ is in?

353. - Yeah! All right.

354. Aye, aye.

355. Yeah, I love this guy.

356. Beta? I love Beta!

357. He had the best rack at the party...

358. I fucking love Beta, baby!

359. Shut up! Shut up! Everyone calm down.

360. I told you I didn't want to drink.

361. Look how the pig squeals! Look how the pig squeals!

362. All in favor of Bobby Coolidge?

363. - Everyone. - Aye, aye.

364. - Aye, aye. - Aye, aye.

365. All right, all right.

366. Oh, man! Jesus!

367. Holy crap! Wow!

368. Man, this guy really knows how to work a room.

369. Give him a bid. He'll be a pussy magnet, buddy.

370. Yeah!

371. Oh, no!

372. Hey, hey, hey! All right, that's my cousin. Take it easy.

373. No offense, brother, okay? But I don't know if your cousin is up for the challenge, man.

374. I'm with Bull on this one. I mean, he's a nice kid,

375. but he passed up sleeping with Brandy, man.

376. All right, all right, all right.

377. Look, I know Erik missed his big chance to, like, sleep with the one girl

378. that, I'm assuming, everybody in this room would lop off your left nut to bang.

379. - Am I right? Two nuts.

380. All right, does that mean he's not Beta material?

381. - Yes! Yeah!

382. He was young and dumb and in love. He's a... He's a late bloomer.

383. I think he's gonna surprise you this semester.

384. And anyway, he's a legacy, so he's automatically getting a bid.

385. So you can all fuck off.

386. - Aye. - Aye, aye!

387. Yeah, that's what I thought, bitches.

388. - Hey, you. - Hi.

389. - We have to stop meeting like this. - Yeah.

390. - Are you okay? - Yeah, I just had a really rough night.

391. You know, I think Denise has a crush on your friend, Cooze.

392. She thinks he's sweet.

393. - Denise thinks Cooze is sweet? - Yeah.

394. - Wait, actually... - Erik, I...

395. - I was thinking... - Look, I'm just thinking...

396. - Do you wanna go out with me once? - Yeah.

397. - Really? - Yeah. That would be really nice.

398. Okay, keep... You have really pretty teeth, by the way.

399. What's going on?

400. Oh, man. This sucks.

401. Hey, guys. Don't go that way. This way's quicker.

402. I was just dreaming about this great sandwich.

403. - Wait a second. Where are we? - I don't see any sandwiches here.

404. Hey, guys. You wanna see something?

405. Yes. - That is...

406. Gentlemen,

407. today is the first day of the rest of your lives.

408. You are the select few who have been chosen to pledge the Beta House.

409. Beta, baby!

410. Now, most fraternities do the pledging thing a little bit differently than we do.

411. Most pledging consists of hate-filled mental and physical hazing

412. designed to break you down.

413. But here at Beta,

414. I, Dwight Stifler, your pledge master, have devised an elaborate scientific plan

415. to build teamwork and brotherhood.

416. Gentlemen, I give you your pledge board.

417. On this pledge board are 50 tasks

418. that you and your pledge brothers must complete by semester's end

419. if you want to become Betas.

420. To start things off,

421. I say we begin with my personal favorite, number 37.

422. Okay, so here's the low-down.

423. One of you has got to get your ass signed by a stripper with photo proof. All right?

424. All right, we're gonna go get a drink.

425. - Wesley... - Yeah.

426. Don't bother us.

427. Okay, who's gonna try and do this?

428. Oh, you guys, I got this. Who's got a pen? That'll do.

429. Hey, baby, how's about signing my ass while I'm up here?

430. - She got Cooze! We gotta help him! - Wait, Bobby.

431. Down goes fatty!

432. Stripper brawl!

433. Stifler, we need some help!

434. Oh, cousin got clothes-lined. That's a shame.

435. That's gonna leave a big bruise.

436. Those girls are wild tonight.

437. I used to fuck girls like you in prison.

438. - Oh, I love a good stripper brawl. - Who doesn't?

439. She started it! - Here's your fuckin' shoe!

440. What? I didn't do anything.

441. You charged that stripper with a pen like you were going to shove it in her ass.

442. Maybe if her panties smelled like waffles,

443. then you would have done something...

444. Guys, shut up. Shut up!

445. - Fat. Say it, dude. - Fat idiot?

446. There you go. Bad things happen to...

447. - Hey there, gorgeous. You work here? - Yeah, sweetie.

448. You see, we're pledging the Beta House right now,

449. and one of our tasks is to get our ass signed by a...

450. A professional dancer like yourself.

451. So I was just, you know, wondering if maybe you'd do me the honor?

452. That's a different approach than the boys usually take in this place.

453. - Bend over. - Thanks.

454. My name's Erik Stifler, by the way.

455. Let me get one for the year book.

456. Nice smile.

457. - You have any relation to Dwight Stifler? - He's my cousin.

458. - Hey, Stifler. - Candy. How are you, sweetheart?

459. Good to see you.

460. I can see where he gets his charm from.

461. - You come see me soon, okay? - You know I will.

462. All right, boys. Hey, congratulations. Task 37.

463. - In the bag! Done! Yeah.

464. Good job, boys. That's our first task completed.

465. I think that stripper's implant broke my face.

466. Task 15 is go.

467. Steal an ostrich.

468. - Have sex in the dean's office. - Serenade a woman at the 901.

469. - Drink a gallon of milk without pissing. - Do a traditional dance at the international.

470. - Open an illegal casino. - Drive down to Mexico and get a tattoo.

471. Get so drunk, you piss your pants.

472. Sweet Caesar's ghost!

473. Fifteen, check.

474. Sixteen, check.

475. Hmm.

476. - Who's that guy? - He's my Swahili instructor.

477. I have my proficiency exam next week.

478. - Nice! - Yeah.

479. Hey, what's... What's this golden hammer doing in here?

480. It's from the Greek Olympiad.

481. It was, like, a series of competitions involving skill and deviant behavior.

482. They got really out of hand, so the university banned them for life.

483. The Betas were legendary at them, though. We never lost.

484. - Cool. Yeah. - Yeah.

485. Oh, and remember, Erik...

486. Yeah.

487. Swahili.

488. This place is swell, isn't it? Yeah.

489. Look at how juicy.

490. Sucking the crab? Wow.

491. - This place is fun. - Yeah. Yeah, this place is awesome.

492. I thought you'd like it here, you know.

493. I like this mallet.

494. - Oh, my God. Are you okay? Here. It's all right.

495. It doesn't really taste that bad.

496. Dude, I'm telling you, this chick can't get enough of me.

497. I did her again last night!

498. Oh, I can't believe that. You're the man!

499. I think I know that girl.

500. You know, not all frat guys are like those guys.

501. I know. I guess I just have a jaded opinion.

502. Really? Why's that?

503. It's just the typical story.

504. Boy meets girl. Boy goes off to college, joins a frat,

505. starts sleeping with every girl he can.

506. Girl finds out and dumps his ass during winter break.

507. But that was high school. I'm much older and wiser now.

508. Right, older and wiser. And you're on a date with a guy who's pledging a frat.

509. I know, and I'm watching you.

510. - Dine and ditch. - Yeah.

511. That's, like, one of my favorite plays of...

512. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Are you okay?

513. Little help here!

514. You are just the sweetest.

515. You just bring it out in me, babe.

516. - Perfect. - Yeah?

517. - Careful, my feet are real sensitive. - Really?

518. Oh, my.

519. I love foot massages.

520. Oh, my!

521. I can't!

522. - I'm sorry. - No, that's cool.

523. It's totally fine, really.

524. Here, let me just take care of you.

525. Okay.

526. Ooh!

527. - You like that? - God, yeah.

528. You do that almost as good as I do.

529. How're you feeling?

530. Hey. Good, thanks.

531. - Here, let me see. - Oh, no.

532. No, no. Ashley, it's... You really don't need to do anything.

533. Oh, my God, Erik. You have to put something on that.

534. No, it's just a little red.

535. Here, let me.

536. It's really not necessary...

537. - Does it hurt? - No, it's just really cold.

538. Does that feel better? - Yeah.

539. Mmm-hmm.

540. Wow!

541. - Oh, man! - I didn't even touch it.

542. No, it's no big deal.

543. I guess I should just take it as a compliment, right?

544. - I'm sorry. Yeah. I'm sorry. - It's cool.

545. Wow, that cream feels good.

546. Ash, you might wanna...

547. Just relax.

548. It's still hot.

549. Oh, my God! Mr. Biggles!

550. - This is really, really embarrassing. - No, it's okay. It's okay.

551. I just haven't seen anything like that.

552. Well, I was a virgin until last year,

553. and then my girlfriend dumped me about four months ago.

554. Okay. Wait, wait, wait. Are you telling me that you haven't...

555. In four months?

556. Well, you see, there was this incident that made masturbation

557. very taboo in my household.

558. Well, you have more self-control than most people.

559. I'm really sorry about Mr. Biggles.

560. Yeah.

561. - Just a little... Right. - No, it's...

562. - Oh, baby, I love you. - Whoa.

563. Baby, why won't you tell me you love me, too?

564. - Hey, Bull. Have you seen Stifler? - He's in a meeting.

565. - What meeting would he be at? - I don't know. Something important.

566. And it was after my parents...

567. Well, they had to fire the fourth landscaping crew

568. because they caught me with them.

569. And that's when I knew that I had a problem.

570. But I have been sex-free for two years now

571. and, you know, never felt better.

572. You are so brave.

573. Get it in there! Yeah! Faster! Faster!

574. - I'm going as fast as I can. - Faster, bad boy!

575. Faster, I said!

576. - I think I'm gonna... - It's gonna break!

577. Yes! Yes!

578. God, yes.

579. Oh, boy.

580. You call yourself a man?

581. Get back here and fuck me!

582. Okay, okay. All right, listen. I just did three times, okay?

583. I'm gonna go get an icepack and then I'll be right back.

584. You know the secret, icepacks are for pussies!

585. Oh, your friend. He wants to come play!

586. I'm going to see you again!

587. - I'm a grizzly bear! - You're bad.

588. I'm gonna steal a picnic basket full of orgasms.

589. Okay, lay your head back. Lay your head back.

590. Ready? Are you ready for it? Let's go, all right?

591. Hands and feet inside the tram. Next stop, penetration station, baby.

592. Hey, get back here!

593. Stifler, I forgot to tell you...

594. Whoa.

595. - Get your ass over here, punk. - Okay.

596. Oh, dude. On her teddy bear? Really?

597. Dude, he hasn't busted a nut in, like, four months.

598. What do you think I should do?

599. - Man, you gotta beat the bishop. - Yeah.

600. - You need to punch that clown. A lot. - What are you talking about?

601. - You need to masturbate, dude. A lot. A lot.

602. So next time you won't blow your load when you're rounding first base.

603. Yeah.

604. Just gotta clean the pipes.

605. - Who is it? - Hey, it's Ashley.

606. We were gonna hang out, remember?

607. Yeah! Yeah, I remember.

608. I... I lost track of time, Ashley. I'll be right there.

609. - Are you okay in there? - Yeah.

610. Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine. Just give me one second, okay?

611. Erik, are you naked?

612. Just putting on my t-shirt right now.

613. There it is.

614. Whew!

615. - Hi. - Hi.

616. - Can I come in? - No. No, the place is actually a mess.

617. - Bobby's disgusting. - Oh, yeah?

618. - But I know a cool place we can go. - Come on.

619. All right. Right hand, yellow.

620. Ooh.

621. I love this game.

622. Don't you fall or you're losing those boxers.

623. Oh, really?

624. - Are you okay? - Yeah.

625. Ow.

626. - Hi. - Hi.

627. I'm sorry.

628. - What? Are you a virgin or something or... - No.

629. It's just when I... When I get too excited...

630. Oh, it's embarrassing.

631. Here.

632. - Let me just take care of you again. - Okay.

633. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Cheers, cheers.

634. Mmm.

635. Let me get that for you. A little spillage. No big deal.

636. It's not gonna go off again, is it?

637. Absolutely not. I've been practicing my self-control a lot.

638. A lot? Okay.

639. Come on.

640. Oh, just how much have you been working on your self-control?

641. I'm really sorry. It's not working.

642. My stupid friends, they said that if I would...

643. Erik, it's okay. It happens.

644. Wine?

645. All right, boys. We got a live one here.

646. Two clicks north, three clicks east.

647. All right, three clicks east.

648. Let's blast our big giant ones.

649. Fire in the hole!

650. Direct hit!

651. Yes! - Oh, my God.

652. I love the smell of boobies in the morning.

653. Hey, so how's it going with Denise?

654. Well, okay, so we hooked up and she gave me a couple of hand jobs.

655. Hand jobs?

656. They're actually the best hand jobs I've ever had in my life.

657. - Oh, really? - Shut up!

658. The only problem is I try to stick my hand down her pants,

659. she keeps... Pulls my hands away.

660. She says she's embarrassed.

661. Uh-oh.

662. - Maybe she has an abnormally large bush. - Yeah, or maybe she's got a yeast infection.

663. - Come on. - Maybe she's got a dick.

664. Huh?

665. What? Crying Game? Boys Don't Cry?

666. - That's based on true stories, boys. - No.

667. - Yeah. - No, there's no way.

668. Hey, man, maybe she's a hermaphrodite.

669. Transvestite? A little Shanghai Surprise!

670. Well, come on. You said yourself,

671. she gives you the best hand jobs you've ever had in your whole life. Right?

672. Yeah, so?

673. So, how do you think she got so good at it?

674. Probably from working her own gear.

675. So you guys think that I might have been hooking up with a dude this whole time?

676. Maybe. There's only one way to find out.

677. You gotta get into those pants.

678. Oh, wait. This is too perfect. Load it up. Load it up, right now.

679. - What the... Sorry!

680. Yeah! Yeah!

681. I want you to go down on me, Cooze.

682. Are you sure? Because I can wait.

683. No, I want you down there now.

684. That's it, Cooze.

685. That's it, Cooze.

686. Suck my cock!

687. She's got a dick!

688. Are you okay?

689. Oh, my God. I just had the worst nightmare.

690. What was it about? Who's got a dick?

691. I do.

692. Oh, my God.

693. I can't take this anymore.

694. Hello?

695. I thought you were gonna call me.

696. Oh, hey.

697. Yeah. I fell asleep.

698. I'm sorry.

699. Were you dreaming about me?

700. Maybe.

701. Hey, can you hold on for one sec?

702. Because this

703. isn't a dream.

704. Oh, God. That's not mine. That's Bobby's.

705. That's not mine.

706. Guys. What the hell are you doing?

707. Number 33, baby.

708. We got a chance to do number 33, but we gotta go now.

709. - Half-naked girl here. - Sorry, Ashley.

710. Dude, the manager just called. He's got an opening.

711. - We haven't even rehearsed for that bit yet. - It's our only chance, man.

712. Really?

713. Ashley, it is Number 33.

714. Maybe, we could just finish later or something?

715. It's cool.

716. - Really? - Mmm-hmm.

717. I'm coming with you.

718. - We rocked that place. - Yeah!

719. Awesome!

720. Number 46, sex in the stacks. Chalk it up.

721. Number 26, receive a golden shower.

722. Number 27, perform a Cleveland steamer.

723. - Check. Oh, man.

724. Get a panda in the grotto.

725. - Thirty, get a blumpkin. Oh, you didn't.

726. After corned beef. It was disgusting.

727. - All right. Yeah. That was pretty good. Yeah!

728. By the power granted to me by the great country of Canada,

729. I now pronounce you life partners.

730. Would you like to seal it with a kiss?

731. - No. - Yes.

732. Number 41. Make it official.

733. Because I'm a gentleman.

734. Wow. You boys are such an inspiration.

735. I think it's time we do a little mid-semester celebrating.

736. - What do you think? - Yes. Definitely.

737. Stifler, I'm afraid I gotta see everyone's IDs.

738. - What? - Come on, Manny. You're joking, right?

739. I'm afraid not.

740. You see, the new ownership of this establishment

741. doesn't condone underage drinking.

742. Officers, please escort these minors from the premises.

743. Can I touch your gun? All right, okay. We're going.

744. Bye-bye. - You're fucking with traditions, Edgar.

745. I'm not just fucking with your traditions, I'm tearing them down.

746. Take him away.

747. You know, you are way too classy,

748. and have way too nice of a body to be hanging out with a douche bag like that.

749. Don't listen to him, honey. Your body isn't that great.

750. I'll have a gimlet, please. Thank you.

751. Stifler.

752. What? - Your lawyer's here.

753. Excellent. Thanks, Marty. Send him in.

754. You have a lawyer?

755. Thanks for coming. I'm glad you got here.

756. Well, you know me. I'm always down for the cause.

757. - Betas for life, baby. - Betas for life.

758. Mr. Levenstein?

759. Hey, Erik. How's your mom and dad?

760. They're good. They're really good, actually.

761. - Well, that's good. Hey, guys, this is Noah.

762. He's a Beta alum. He's our House-counseling consigliere.

763. This guy has gotten us out of more shit than you can even imagine.

764. Well you Beta boys do keep me busy, that's for sure.

765. Now, I've just talked to the district attorney.

766. He's an old school chum of mine. He's willing to drop all the charges

767. if you promise never to set foot in the Silver Dollar again.

768. This is ridiculous.

769. Where am I gonna have Sunday brunch?

770. Oh, look, I know you're upset.

771. They do have a great omelet bar, that's for sure.

772. - But you're just gonna have to give it up. - No, we can't.

773. These geeks... These geeks are messing with the Beta way of life.

774. You want to step inside, Noah?

775. - Oh, it's open? Yeah.

776. Oh, thanks Marty.

777. If you wanna grab a sandwich, I'll just be a minute.

778. Look, fellas,

779. there is a bigger picture here than the Beta way of life.

780. Is that what you thought when you were in the Beta House?

781. No.

782. - No. It wasn't. - So...

783. So I think something has to be done here. Within the confines of the law, of course.

784. Of course. Of course.

785. So what would you do?

786. What would I do?

787. I would crush those geeks with every Beta muscle in my body.

788. But that's just me.

789. See you boys at homecoming. Say hi to your folks, Erik.

790. I will. Thank you.

791. - What are we doing? - We've got to find their trophy room.

792. Freeze, human.

793. Uphold the galactic alliance with my cock.

794. What the hell is going on in there?

795. Sounds like a dog with its dick stuck in a vacuum.

796. - All right, this way. - I'm a husky ninja.

797. There it is, the motherboard.

798. Guys, I really gotta take a dump.

799. Oh, come on. Not now.

800. That fast food I ate put me over.

801. Oh! I can't wait.

802. Well, hurry up, then. God, that guy's disgusting.

803. Okay. All right.

804. Okay.

805. All right.

806. Bobby!

807. Ooh!

808. - Bobby, what are you doing, man? - Upper-decker, baby!

809. Upper-decker, baby.

810. Oh, my God.

811. Betas, we are leaving. Go, go, go!

812. What's happening?

813. Well, pledges,

814. you completed every task on the task board in record time.

815. I, along with every other Beta in this room, are proud to call you our brothers.

816. Congratulations, you're all Betas!

817. Oh, yeah.

818. Hey, cuz.

819. Yeah. Here you go.

820. So it sounds like you got yourself a pretty good girl there, buddy.

821. Oh, yeah. You know what? Now that pledge is finally over,

822. we can spend a lot more time together, too.

823. What? Are you kidding me?

824. Edgar, get you and the Mensa rejects out of my house, now.

825. You have crossed me for the last time, Stifler!

826. We're gonna settle this once and for all!

827. Whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, hey!

828. Oh! What the fuck?

829. We, the members of the Geek House, challenge you, the Beta House,

830. to the Greek Olympiad.

831. The Greek Olympiad?

832. As much as I'd love to kick your Geek ass up and down the field, Ed,

833. I hate to tell you, the Greek Olympiad's been banned for like 40 years. So...

834. What's the matter? Afraid to get into a little trouble, Stifler?

835. Afraid?

836. - Let's do this. - Oh, but there is one catch.

837. We are playing for charters.

838. If we win, you give up your charter and you move out of the Beta House.

839. And if you win,

840. we move out and you take our house.

841. This place against your mansion?

842. Consider it another tradition I plan to tear down.

843. You're on.

844. Are you out of your mind?

845. The Greek Olympiad has been banned for life.

846. You'll all get thrown off campus.

847. - That's a chance we're gonna have to take. - Oh, but the Greek Olympiad is crazy.

848. I mean, yes, it's a combination of skill, endurance, athleticism granted,

849. but there is a degree of perversion in these games

850. which I don't think would serve you kids well.

851. Do you happen to remember the name of the last captain

852. to ever win the Greek Olympiad?

853. Well, I haven't the foggiest because it was so long ago.

854. His name was Noah Levenstein.

855. Uh-huh.

856. Well, I knew that would catch up to me one day.

857. But, you know, fellas, I didn't know what was going on back then.

858. I was just a dumb kid.

859. Mr. Levenstein, we need you.

860. Tradition states that the last team captain to win

861. comes back to officiate.

862. I know it's tradition.

863. I... I suppose I could do it.

864. I'd have to call in and take a few personal days.

865. Excellent. You will not regret this. I promise you.

866. - Stifler! This just came for you, man. What is it?

867. This is interesting.

868. Hello!

869. I'm here. What's this big bombshell?

870. Are you sure you weren't followed?

871. You? What the hell are you doing here?

872. - Well, well, Stifler. - Rock.

873. Looks like we meet again.

874. - All right, this is a set-up. I'm out of here. - Just relax, ass clown.

875. The enemy of my enemy is my friend.

876. What we had was a rivalry,

877. but what Edgar did got us kicked off campus.

878. Wait, how do you even know the guy?

879. He tried to pledge our house three years ago.

880. He was the first regular sized guy to rush the little person frat.

881. They used to have this tradition where we put a sheep in the basement...

882. Be gentle.

883. They'd tell us we had to bang the sheep

884. and that we couldn't come out until the rubber was used.

885. Now, one of two things happened.

886. Either they would come out crying,

887. or they would beat off in the rubber and say they did the sheep.

888. And then there was Edgar.

889. Good luck.

890. It's okay. - What the fuck?

891. We gotta check it out.

892. For the love of God, man!

893. That sick bastard fucked the sheep.

894. That's a great story but I'm a little unclear on how it helps me?

895. I'm sure you'll figure something out, Shitler.

896. Welcome to the Greek Olympiad!

897. Competing today in this ancient tradition

898. are the Beta House...

899. - Beta! Beta! Beta! Beta!

900. And the Geek House.

901. Now, when we think of the term Greek Olympiad,

902. we hearken back to ancient traditions.

903. We conjure up images of mighty warriors

904. in their little skirts, getting all oiled up,

905. writhing around with each other.

906. Some called it wrestling, others called it something else.

907. But enough history. On with the games.

908. The first event is called The Release of Venus.

909. The man who undoes all the brassieres on his side the quickest, wins.

910. You know, Ed,

911. it's really a shame all that practice on your sister's training bra is not gonna pay off.

912. Please, Dwight. I spent a season in Milan dating lingerie models.

913. It was before I met you.

914. Gentlemen, are we ready?

915. Decline and fall, Dwight. Decline and fall.

916. Start unsnapping.

917. You know, I still hold the record in this event.

918. Hands of a surgeon.

919. Oh, what's up with Edgar? - Chick's got double Ds.

920. Squad clasps are really difficult to deal with.

921. Done.

922. Done!

923. I knew it!

924. Betas win.

925. Yeah! Yeah!

926. Hey, nice try, Edgar.

927. Oh, sorry, sweetheart. I guess I was just in the zone.

928. You know, with a little more to work with, I might have won.

929. The next event is The Battle of Ares.

930. Two men fighting to the death,

931. or until one knocks the other into the water.

932. Yeah! Ride that!

933. You guys are so done, Edgar. Bull is an animal with this thing.

934. Why don't you just save some face, give me the deed to your place now.

935. Not quite yet.

936. You haven't met our new initiate, have you?

937. His name is Dave Maul,

938. and he is the number-one rated light saber fighter

939. on the science fiction convention tour.

940. Oh, he's a virgin.

941. Are you ready, boys?

942. Joust!

943. Come on!

944. Oh, shit!

945. Take him! Take him!

946. Finish him.

947. Go! Come on!

948. - Geeks win! - I need a beer.

949. The next event is called Demeter's Feast.

950. Now, in ancient Rome, the pig was considered sacred.

951. And often sacrificed to the goddess of agriculture.

952. Today, we've taken a pig, greased it up,

953. and the first one who catches it, wins.

954. Hey, you sure you're up for this pigging?

955. Stifler, I grew up on a farm with 652 pigs,

956. I can tell what the pig is thinking.

957. Silly, little, fat man.

958. Hey, Edgar, what's the deal with Captain Sulu? He afraid to compete?

959. You haven't heard of parkour, have you?

960. What the...

961. Go! Go! Go! Go!

962. Come here, piggy. Come here, piggy.

963. Damn.

964. Come here, pork chop.

965. Geeks!

966. Geeks win!

967. Greek Roulette is a very dangerous game. Not for the faint of heart.

968. One of these chambers contains a capsule

969. with aged horse semen.

970. Gentlemen, let us begin.

971. Disgusting. Oh, come on.

972. Come on, come on! Come on, Dwight!

973. You're busted. Come on.

974. - It's gonna be... We're not in it. Come on!

975. You know, I gotta hand it to you, Edgar.

976. I really didn't think you'd have the huevos for this.

977. I thought you'd probably recruit one of your lackeys.

978. I wouldn't miss watching you shoot yourself full of horse semen for anything.

979. Come on, man.

980. Come on, Stifler!

981. - Stuff it in there. Do it.

982. Yeah! Yes!

983. - We can do this! Yes, yes! Come on!

984. That's how we do.

985. Oh, boy!

986. - Come on! Come on! Edgar!

987. Come on, baby. Eat it!

988. Yeah!

989. - Put two canisters in there! - Two? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Two?

990. That's too many, Dwight. Come on, two? He's not worth it.

991. Unless Edgar's afraid, put in two canisters.

992. Fine! Put in two!

993. Put in two.

994. Oh, man.

995. Go!

996. Go!

997. Be a man, huh? - Ready. Go!

998. Warm it up. Hey! Hey! Hey!

999. All right, all right! All right!

1000. - All right! - Everyone quiet!

1001. We're good? Back to the match.

1002. You're good baby. There's nothing in there.

1003. Oh, no. I can't watch this.

1004. Yeah! Yeah!

1005. - Yeah! Yes! Yeah!

1006. - Yes! Yes! All right! Yes! Yes!

1007. You're up.

1008. Come on!

1009. - Do it. - Let's go.

1010. Do it! Do it! Do it!

1011. - Do it! Do it, now! Pull the fucking trigger.

1012. - Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Pull the trigger.

1013. Oh, boy.

1014. Yes! We won! Sucker!

1015. Betas win.

1016. - Enjoy Mister Ed's jizz. - How does that semen taste, there?

1017. Tough loss, there, Edgar, but you know what they say, son.

1018. You've got to get right back up on that horse.

1019. So to speak.

1020. The ancient game of the Wife Carry has been around for centuries.

1021. The first couple to complete the course wins.

1022. - You owe me big time for this. - I know.

1023. - Okay. All right. Ready?

1024. How pathetic. Now!

1025. What? What...

1026. Really? You trying to give Bandhu a hernia?

1027. Oh, once again your pathetic little brain has let you down, Dwight.

1028. Bandhu, up.

1029. All right, Erik. We got this. Let's go.

1030. We're fucked.

1031. Come on, Erik! Go, go, go!

1032. We can beat those Betas.

1033. Pick up the pace. Faster, faster!

1034. How'd you feel about that...

1035. Come on! Come on!

1036. Maybe I should have carried you.

1037. Man, that is one scary chick.

1038. That's a chick?

1039. Okay.

1040. And now, the Peloponnesian War.

1041. The first team to consume an entire keg wins.

1042. Throwing up does not disqualify.

1043. Gentlemen, inside this cylindrical casing of aluminum,

1044. lies 55 metric liters of malted alcohol.

1045. Remember, fellas, don't underestimate these Geeks.

1046. Most of them are lonely problem drinkers, all right?

1047. Beware, gentlemen, these men know how to drink,

1048. but we are more than they are.

1049. We are more than men!

1050. We, sirs, are Geeks!

1051. Yes! - All right, boys. Battle!

1052. - Gentlemen, chug-a-lug! - I can out-drink you fucks!

1053. Drink!

1054. We are geeks, we can do this.

1055. Edgar!

1056. I only have one thing to say to you.

1057. What's that, you philistine?

1058. Puking doesn't disqualify!

1059. - Geeks, attack! Boot and rally, boys!

1060. Come on, Edgar. Let's see what you got, bitch.

1061. That's all you got, huh? That's all you got?

1062. Go back to the keg!

1063. We got a man down!

1064. Gentlemen, we need to attain maximum efficiency.

1065. Irene, attach the device!

1066. - What the hell is that? - What is that thing?

1067. Open valves.

1068. That's the Geeks taking the lead. It's time for our secret weapon. Wesley!

1069. Let's go! - Keg stand! Now!

1070. Open the valves all the way. We need warp speed on this, motherfucker!

1071. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah!

1072. Betas win!

1073. With the Greek Olympiad tied, we now go into sudden death.

1074. The final event is called The Rise of Aphrodite.

1075. Quite simply, the first man

1076. who excretes his manly juices,

1077. in the ejaculatory sense,

1078. loses.

1079. I cannot wait to see you come in your pants.

1080. Let's do this.

1081. Pi is equal to 3.1415...

1082. - No big deal at all. - 5978...

1083. I feel like Santa Claus at the local shopping mall.

1084. - That was nothing. I'm okay. - That was nothing for me, either.

1085. No big deal.

1086. Shake that thing.

1087. - I like your boobs. Look at this.

1088. Pretend you're sucking my man breast!

1089. Give it up, Stifler. This is a game of mind over matter.

1090. And my brain is way bigger than yours.

1091. I've got experience on my side.

1092. I'll take that over your Vulcan mind tricks any day.

1093. We shall see. Bring her in!

1094. We flew this young lady in from Las Vegas.

1095. She's the number one stripper in the Emerald City.

1096. Enjoy, Dwight.

1097. Oh, no!

1098. Good luck.

1099. I'm in trouble here, boys.

1100. This chick is ridiculous. Bring her in!

1101. Code Red! Code Red!

1102. What the fuck?

1103. Look at my tail, Edgar.

1104. Look how fluffy it is.

1105. Somebody make her stop.

1106. Edgar, you got a little wool fetish, buddy?

1107. No! Make her stop!

1108. He's done.

1109. Betas win.

1110. Beta! Beta! Beta! Beta! Beta! Beta!

1111. To the winners, I now present the Golden Hammer!

1112. To Beta House!

1113. Beta, baby!

1114. Congratulations, Stifler. You've kept the Beta traditions alive.

1115. - Thanks, Noah. Betas for life. - Betas for life.

1116. Now this is a frat party.

1117. No. This is a Beta party.

1118. - Hey, I got a little surprise for you. - Yeah?

1119. A little present for you being so patient and understanding.

1120. Okay.

1121. - Are you ready for your present? - I'm not sure.

1122. I'm really confused right now, and I'm trying to keep an open mind but...

1123. Oh, man this is fucked up even for me.

1124. Here it comes.

1125. Oh, my God. If it's bigger than mine, I swear, I'm gonna pass out.

1126. I'm not wearing any panties.

1127. Easy, Cooze. Everybody can see you.

1128. Well, I'm sure we can find some place around here with a little privacy.

1129. - Okay. - Let's go.

1130. Come on.

1131. - Where are you taking me? - It's a surprise. You're gonna like it.

1132. I'm nervous.

1133. What are you talking about? Everything's gonna be fine.

1134. - Are you sure? - Yeah.

1135. Why don't I take care of you.

1136. Okay.

1137. Okay.

1138. Oh, my.

1139. I can't! I can't!

1140. Look, just let yourself go, baby.

1141. There's nothing you can do that's gonna surprise me. Okay?

1142. - Are you sure? - Yeah.

1143. Okay!

1144. Why are you bringing me in here?

1145. Well, this being our new house,

1146. I thought I'd come up with my own task for the pledge board.

1147. Okay. What's that gonna be?

1148. Well, I think it's kind of better if I...

1149. If I show you.

1150. Hmm.

1151. Sex in a movie theater.

1152. I like the way you think, Erik Stifler.

1153. I'm coming! I'm coming!

1154. I'm coming!

1155. Oh, my...

1156. Okay. I was a little surprised by that.

1157. I'm sorry.

1158. It's okay.

1159. - It was actually really sexy. - Really?

1160. Yeah. Can you do that every time?

1161. - Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah?

1162. Oh, my God.

1163. - Hey, buddy, take a little dip in the pool? - Nope.

1164. Oh, wait a minute.

1165. Yes. The elusive female ejaculation.

1166. Not a lot of girls can do that. Congrats.

1167. Beta House fucking rules!

1168. Yes!

1169. Hey, big boy,

1170. ready to fill me up with some more protein?

1171. No, no, no. No!

1172. Yes, the Blackout Menace strikes again.

1173. Wear this for your next dance, honey.

1174. Thanks.