- 1. I need a father who's a role model.
- 2. Not some horny geek-boy
who's gonna spray his shorts
- 3. whenever I bring a girlfriend
home from school.
- 4. What a lame-o.
- 5. Someone really should just
put him out of his misery.
- 6. Want me to kill him for you?
- 7. Yeah. Would you?
- 8. My name is Lester Burnham.
- 9. This is my neighborhood.
- 10. This is my street.
- 11. This is my life.
- 12. l'm 42 years old.
ln less than a year...
- 13. I'll be dead.
- 14. Of course, I don't know that yet.
- 15. And in a way, l'm dead already.
- 16. Look at me.
- 17. Jerking off in the shower.
- 18. This will be the high point of my day.
- 19. It's all downhill from here.
- 20. That's my wife, Carolyn.
- 21. See the way the handle on those pruning
shears matches her gardening clogs?
- 22. That's not an accident.
- 23. Hush, Bitsy!
- 24. Hush! What is wrong with you?
- 25. That's our next door neighbor, Jim.
- 26. And that's his lover... Jim.
- 27. You spoil her. Bitsy...
- 28. - Me?
- ... no bark! Come inside now!
- 29. - Come on.
- Good morning, Jim!
- 30. Morning, Carolyn.
- 31. I love your tie. That color!
- 32. I just love your roses.
- 33. How do you get them
to flourish like this?
- 34. Well, I'll tell you:
eggshells and Miracle-Gro.
- 35. - I've never heard of that.
- 36. l get exhausted just watching her.
- 37. She wasn't always like this.
She used to be happy.
- 38. We used to be happy.
- 39. My daughter, Jane. Only child.
- 40. Janie's a pretty typical teenager:
- 41. angry, insecure, confused.
- 42. I wish I could tell her
that's all going to pass
- 43. but I don't want to lie to her.
- 44. Jane, honey,
are you trying to look unattractive?
- 45. Yes.
- 46. Congratulations,
you've succeeded admirably.
- 47. Lester, could you make me a little
later? I'm not quite late enough.
- 48. Nice going, Dad.
- 49. Both my wife and daughter
think l'm this gigantic loser.
- 50. And they're right.
- 51. l have lost something.
- 52. l'm not exactly sure what it is,
- 53. but l know l didn't always
feel this... sedated.
- 54. But you know what?
- 55. lt's never too late to get it back.
- 56. Hello. This is Lester Burnham
from Media Monthly magazine.
- 57. I'm calling for Mr. Tamblin, please.
- 58. Well, we're all under a deadline here.
- 59. There's some information
about your product launch
- 60. that isn't even covered
in your press release and...
- 61. Yeah, OK. Can I ask you a question?
- 62. Who is Tamblin? Does he exist?
- 63. 'Cause he doesn't
ever seem to come in.
- 64. Yeah, OK. I'll leave my number.
- 65. It's 555-0199.
- 66. Lester Burnham. Thank you.
- 67. Hey, Les.
- 68. You got a minute?
- 69. For you, Brad, I got five.
- 70. So I'm sure you can understand
- 71. our need to cut corners around here.
- 72. Sure. Times are tight.
You got to free up some cash.
- 73. You got to spend money
to make money, right?
- 74. - Exactly.
- Like the time when Mr. Flournoy
- 75. used the company MasterCard
to pay for that hooker,
- 76. then she used the card and stayed
at the St. Regis for three months...
- 77. - That's unsubstantiated gossip!
- That's $50,000!
- 78. That's someone's salary
who's gonna get fired
- 79. because Craig has to
pay women to fuck him!
- 80. Jesus! Calm down.
- 81. Nobody's getting fired yet.
- 82. That's why we're having everyone
write out a job description
- 83. mapping out in detail
how they contribute.
- 84. That way management can
assess who's valuable...
- 85. And who's expendable.
- 86. It's just business.
- 87. I've been writing for this magazine
for 14 years. You've been here a month?
- 88. I'm one of the good guys, Les.
- 89. I'm trying to level with you.
- 90. This is your one chance
to save your job.
- 91. There's no decision.
Just write the damn thing.
- 92. You don't think it's weird
and kind of fascist?
- 93. Possibly, but you don't want
to be unemployed.
- 94. Let's sell our souls and work for Satan
because it's more convenient.
- 95. Could you be a little bit
more dramatic, please?
- 96. So we finally got new neighbors.
- 97. If the Lomans had let me represent them
instead of the Real Estate King
- 98. that house would never have sat
on the market for six months.
- 99. They were still mad at you
for cutting down their sycamore.
- 100. Their sycamore? Come on!
- 101. A substantial portion of the root
structure was on our property.
- 102. How can you call it their sycamore?
- 103. I wouldn't have the heart to cut down
something if it wasn't partially mine.
- 104. Mom, do we always have to listen
to this elevator music?
- 105. No. No, we don't.
- 106. As soon as you've prepared a nutritious,
yet savory, meal that I'm about to eat
- 107. you can listen to whatever you like.
- 108. So, Janie, how was school?
- 109. It was OK.
- 110. Just OK?
- 111. No, Dad. It was spectacular.
- 112. Well, you want to know how things
went at myjob today?
- 113. They've hired this efficiency expert.
- 114. This really friendly guy named Brad.
How perfect is that?
- 115. He's there to make it seem like
they're justified in firing somebody
- 116. because they couldn't just
come right out and say that.
- 117. That would just be too honest.
- 118. So they've asked us. You couldn't
possibly care less, could you?
- 119. Well, what do you expect?
- 120. You can't all of a sudden be my best
friend just because you had a bad day.
- 121. I mean, hello! You've barely
even spoken to me for months.
- 122. What? You're Mother of the Year?
You treat her like an employee.
- 123. What?
- 124. What?
- 125. I'm going to get some ice cream.
- 126. Janie...
- 127. I'm sorry I haven't been more...
- 128. available. I'm just... I...
- 129. You know, you don't always have to
wait for me to come to you.
- 130. Great. So now it's my fault?
- 131. I didn't say that. It's nobody's fault.
- 132. Janie, what happened?
We used to be pals.
- 133. I will sell this house today.
- 134. Welcome. I'm Carolyn Burnham.
- 135. This living room is very dramatic.
- 136. Wait till you see
the native stone fireplace!
- 137. A simple cream
could really lighten things up.
- 138. You could even put in a skylight.
- 139. Well, why don't we go into the kitchen?
- 140. It's a dream come true for any cook.
- 141. Just filled with positive energy.
- 142. You'll be surprised how much a ceiling
fan can cut down on your energy costs.
- 143. You know, you could have some really
fun backyard get-togethers out here.
- 144. The ad said this pool
- 145. - Nothing "lagoon-like" about it.
- Except for maybe the bugs!
- 146. There aren't even any plants out here!
- 147. What do you call this?
Is this not this a plant?
- 148. If you have a problem with the plants,
I can call my landscape architect.
- 149. - Solved!
- I think lagoon, I think waterfall.
- 150. I think tropical.
This is a cement hole.
- 151. I have some tiki torches in the garage.
- 152. Shut up!
- 153. Stop it! You weak. You baby! Shut up!
- 154. Shut up! Shut up!
- 155. Who are you looking for?
- 156. My parents are coming tonight.
- 157. They're trying to, you know,
take an active interest in me.
- 158. Gross. I hate it when my mom does that.
- 159. They're such assholes. Why can't
theyjust have their own lives?
- 160. What makes you so sure she wants us
to be there? Did she ask?
- 161. Of course not. She doesn't want us
to know how important this is to her.
- 162. But she's been practicing
her steps for weeks.
- 163. I'll bet money she'll resent it.
- 164. And I'm missing
the James Bond marathon on TNT.
- 165. Lester! This is important!
- 166. I'm sensing a real distance
growing between you and Jane.
- 167. Growing? She hates me.
- 168. She's just willful.
- 169. She hates you, too.
- 170. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- 171. Pardon me. Excuse me.
- 172. Now, for your halftime entertainment,
- 173. Rockwell High's award-winning
- 174. We can leave right after this, right?
- 175. Shit! They're still here.
- 176. - Janie!
- Hey, I really enjoyed that!
- 177. - Congratulations! You were great!
- I didn't win anything.
- 178. Hi, I'm Lester, Janie's dad.
- 179. Oh, hi.
- 180. This is my friend, Angela Hayes.
- 181. OK. Good to meet you.
- 182. You were also good tonight. Very...
- 183. - ... precise.
- 184. Nice to meet you, Angela. Honey!
- 185. I am so proud of you! You know,
I watched you very closely.
- 186. You didn't screw up once!
- 187. OK. We have to go.
- 188. - So what are you girls doing now?
- 189. We're going out for pizza.
- 190. Really? We can give you a ride.
I have a car. Want to come with us?
- 191. Thanks, but I have a car.
- 192. You have a car. Well, that's great.
- 193. 'Cause Janie's thinking about
getting a car soon, aren't you?
- 194. Dad! Mom's waiting for you.
- 195. It was very nice meeting you, Angela.
- 196. Any friend of Janie's is...
- 197. a friend of mine.
- 198. Well...
- 199. I'll be seeing you around, then.
- 200. Could he be any more... pathetic?
- 201. I think he's sweet.
- 202. And I think he and your mother
have not had sex in a long time.
- 203. lt's the weirdest thing.
- 204. I feel like I've been
in a coma for about 20 years
- 205. and l'm just now waking up.
- 206. Spectacular.
- 207. I'm so sorry my dad was weird tonight.
- 208. That's OK.
- 209. I'm used to guys drooling over me.
- 210. It started when I was about 12.
- 211. I'd go to dinner with my parents.
- 212. Every Thursday night, Red Lobster.
- 213. And every guy there
would stare at me when I walked in.
- 214. And I knew what they were thinking.
- 215. Just like I knew guys at school
thought about me when theyjerked off.
- 216. - Vomit.
- No, I liked it.
- 217. And I still like it.
- 218. If people I don't even know
look at me and want to fuck me
- 219. it means I really have a shot
at being a model, which is great.
- 220. Because there's nothing worse in life
than being ordinary.
- 221. I really think it'll happen for you.
- 222. I know.
- 223. Because everything
that was meant to happen, does...
- 224. eventually.
- 225. Asshole.
- 226. Hello?
- 227. - Hello?
- Why'd you call me?
- 228. I didn't.
- 229. My phone rang and I answered,
and somebody hung up.
- 230. I star-69ed, and I called you back.
- 231. Well, I was in the shower.
- 232. Oh, gross!
- 233. Ricky? Breakfast!
- 234. Be right there.
- 235. - Mom?
- 236. I don't eat bacon, remember?
- 237. I'm sorry. I must've forgotten.
- 238. What's new in the world, Dad?
- 239. This country is going straight to hell.
- 240. - Are you expecting anyone?
- 241. No.
- 242. - Hi.
- Welcome to the neighborhood.
- 243. Just something from our garden.
- 244. Except the pasta.
We got that at Fallaci's.
- 245. It's unbelievably fresh.
Drop it in the water and it's done.
- 246. Jim Olmeyer. Two doors down.
Welcome to the neighborhood.
- 247. Colonel Frank Fitts, US Marine Corps.
- 248. - Nice to meet you. This is my partner.
- Jim Berkley, but people call me J.B.
- 249. Let's cut to the chase, OK?
What are you guys selling?
- 250. Nothing. We just wanted to say hi
to our new neighbors.
- 251. Yeah, yeah...
- 252. You said you're partners,
so what's your business?
- 253. Well...
- 254. He is a tax attorney.
- 255. And he's an anesthesiologist.
- 256. How come these faggots
always have to rub it in your face?
- 257. How can they be so shameless?
- 258. That's the whole thing, Dad.
- 259. They don't feel that's anything
to be ashamed of.
- 260. Well, it is.
- 261. Yeah, you're right.
- 262. Don't placate me
like I'm your mother, boy.
- 263. Forgive me, sir,
for speaking so bluntly:
- 264. Those fags make me want to puke
my fucking guts out.
- 265. Well, me too, Son.
- 266. Yeah, me too.
- 267. I'm serious. He just pulled down
his pants and yanked it out.
- 268. You know, like,
"Say hello to Mr. Happy."
- 269. - Gross.
- It wasn't gross.
- 270. - It was kind of cool.
- So did you do it with him?
- 271. Of course I did.
- 272. He is a really well-known photographer.
- 273. He shoots for Elle
on, like, a regular basis.
- 274. It would've been so majorly
stupid of me to turn him down.
- 275. You are a total prostitute.
- 276. Hey. That's how things really are.
- 277. You just don't know because you're
this pampered little suburban chick.
- 278. So are you. You've only been in
Seventeen once, and you looked fat!
- 279. So stop acting like you're
goddamned Christy Turlington!
- 280. Cunt!
- 281. I am so sick of people
taking their insecurities out on me.
- 282. Oh, my God! That's the pervert
who filmed me last night.
- 283. Him? Jane, no way,
he's a total lunatic.
- 284. - You know him?
- 285. We were on the same lunch shift
when I was in ninth grade
- 286. and he would always say
the most random, weird things.
- 287. And then one day,
he was just, like, gone.
- 288. And then, Connie Cardullo told me
- 289. that his parents had
to put him in a mental institution.
- 290. Why? What did he do?
- 291. What do you mean?
- 292. Well, they can't put you away
just for saying weird things.
- 293. You total slut!
- 294. - You've got a crush on him!
- What? Please!
- 295. You're defending him. You love him.
You want to have 10,000 of his babies.
- 296. - Shut up!
- 297. My name's Ricky.
I just moved next door to you.
- 298. I know.
- 299. I remember this really creepy incident
where you were filming me last night.
- 300. I didn't mean to scare you.
I just think you're interesting.
- 301. Thanks, but I don't need some psycho
obsessing about me right now.
- 302. I'm not obsessing.
I'm just curious.
- 303. What a freak!
- 304. And why does he dress
like a Bible salesman?
- 305. He's, like, so confident.
- 306. That can't be real.
- 307. I don't believe him.
- 308. I mean, he didn't even look at me once.
- 309. How'd you get in the Army?
- 310. Look, Sergeant, I got
three reasons for being in the Army.
- 311. First, I'm patriotic. Second, I love
my country. And third, they nailed me.
- 312. You two boys report to me
immediately after this formation.
- 313. Take them away, Sarge!
- 314. Hey.
- 315. One, two, three, four.
- 316. What's going on here?
- 317. Bend all the way down.
Here comes the bull of the woods.
- 318. I'm sorry, what?
- 319. Mom, nobody said anything.
- 320. Oh. I'm sorry.
- 321. Everyone's with their spouse. How'd
it look if I showed up with no one?
- 322. - You end up ignoring me and talking...
- Now listen to me.
- 323. This is an important business function.
- 324. As you know,
my business is selling an image
- 325. and part of myjob
is to live that image...
- 326. Honey, do me a favor.
- 327. Just say whatever you want to say
and spare me the propaganda.
- 328. All right. Hi, Shirley!
- 329. Listen, just do me a favor.
Act happy tonight.
- 330. - I am happy, honey.
- No, you're not.
- 331. Oh! That's Buddy!
- 332. Buddy. Buddy!
- 333. - Hi.
- Hi! Good to see you again.
- 334. It's so good to see you, too, Catherine.
- 335. - Carolyn.
- Carolyn, of course. How are you?
- 336. Very well, thank you.
- 337. - Hello, Christy.
- 338. - My husband, Lester.
- It's a pleasure.
- 339. We've met before, actually.
This thing last year.
- 340. - Christmas at the Sheraton.
- Oh, yeah.
- 341. It's OK. I wouldn't remember me, either.
- 342. Honey, don't be weird!
- 343. - All right, honey. I won't be weird.
- 344. - I'll be whatever you want me to be.
- Well, OK...
- 345. - We have a very healthy relationship.
- I see.
- 346. Well, I don't know about you guys,
but I need a drink.
- 347. Put a little more in there, cowboy.
- 348. Excuse me.
- 349. Don't you live on Robin Hood Trail?
The house with the red door?
- 350. Yeah.
- 351. I'm Ricky Fitts. I just moved
in the house next to you.
- 352. Hi, Ricky Fitts. I'm Lester Burnham.
- 353. Hi, Mr. Burnham.
- 354. Do you party?
- 355. - Excuse me?
- Do you get high?
- 356. I probably wouldn't even tell you this
if I weren't a little tipsy
- 357. but... I'm in complete awe of you.
- 358. I mean, your firm is hands down the
Rolls Royce of local real estate firms
- 359. and your personal sales record is...
- 360. It's very intimidating.
- 361. You know, I'd love to sit down with you
and just pick your brain.
- 362. If you'd ever be willing.
- 363. You know? I suppose, technically,
I'm the competition
- 364. but, I mean, I don't flatter myself
- 365. that I'm even in the same league as you.
- 366. I don't.
- 367. I'd love to.
- 368. - Really?
- 369. Call my secretary.
Have her schedule a lunch.
- 370. I'll do that. Thank you.
- 371. Did you see that movie where the body
is walking around carrying its own head
- 372. and then the head
goes down on that babe?
- 373. Re-Animator.
- 374. Look, I'm not paying you to do
whatever it is you're doing out here.
- 375. Fine. So don't pay me.
- 376. - Excuse me?
- I quit.
- 377. So you don't have to pay me.
Now leave me alone.
- 378. Asshole.
- 379. I think you just became
my personal hero.
- 380. Doesn't that make you nervous,
just quitting yourjob like that?
- 381. Well, I guess when
you're all of, what, 16...
- 382. Eighteen.
- 383. I just do these gigs as a cover.
- 384. I have other sources of income.
- 385. But my dad interferes less in my life
- 386. when I pretend to be an upstanding
young citizen with a respectable job.
- 387. Lester?
- 388. What are you doing?
- 389. Honey, this... Ricky Fitts.
- 390. This is Ricky Fitts.
- 391. I'm Ricky Fitts. I just moved
into the house next to you.
- 392. I go to school with your daughter.
- 393. With Jane?
- 394. - Yeah. Jane.
- 395. Hi. I'm ready to go.
- 396. I'll meet you out front.
- 397. I'm in trouble!
- 398. Nice meeting you, Ricky Fitts.
Thanks for the... thing.
- 399. Anytime. Lester!
- 400. If you want any more,
you know where I live.
- 401. Shit. They're home.
Quick, let's go up to my room.
- 402. I should say hi to your dad.
- 403. I don't want to be rude.
- 404. Nice suit.
- 405. You're looking good, Mr. Burnham.
- 406. Last time I saw you,
you looked kind of wound up.
- 407. Is that root beer?
- 408. I love root beer, don't you?
- 409. - Hey.
- Hi, Mom.
- 410. You remember Angela?
- 411. Yes, of course.
- 412. I forgot to tell you, she's gonna
spend the night. Is that OK?
- 413. Sorry about my dad.
- 414. Don't be. I think it's funny.
- 415. Yeah, to you, he's just another guy
who wants to jump your bones.
- 416. But to me, he's just...
too embarrassing to live.
- 417. Well, your mom's the one
who's embarrassing. What a phony.
- 418. But your dad's actually kind of cute.
- 419. Shut up.
- 420. He is. If he just worked out
a little, he'd be hot.
- 421. - Shut up!
- Come on!
- 422. Like you've never sneaked a peek
at him in his underwear?
- 423. I bet he's got a big dick.
- 424. You are so grossing me out right now!
- 425. If he built up his chest and arms,
I would totally fuck him!
- 426. I would! I would suck
on your dad's big, fat dick
- 427. and then I'd fuck him
until his eyes rolled back in his head!
- 428. Jane! What's that noise?
- 429. - I swear I heard something.
- 430. That was the sound of you
being a huge, disgusting pig.
- 431. No, I'm serious. See?
- 432. - Oh, my God, Jane.
- What is it?
- 433. It's that psycho next door.
Jane, what if he worships you?
- 434. What if he's got, like,
a shrine with pictures of you
- 435. surrounded by
dead people's heads and stuff?
- 436. Shit. I bet he's filming us right now.
- 437. Really?
- 438. Welcome to America's
Weirdest Home Videos.
- 439. - Ricky?
- Coming, Dad.
- 440. You know I don't like locked doors
in my house, boy.
- 441. I'm sorry. I must've locked it
- 442. So, what's up?
- 443. I need a urine sample.
- 444. Wow. It's been six months already.
- 445. Can I give it to you in the morning?
I just took a whiz.
- 446. Yeah, I suppose.
- 447. You know...
- 448. Well... Good night, Son.
- 449. I've been waiting for you.
- 450. You've been working out, haven't you?
- 451. I could tell.
- 452. I was hoping you'd give me a bath.
- 453. I'm very, very dirty.
- 454. What are you doing?
- 455. Nothing.
- 456. You were masturbating.
- 457. - I was not.
- Yes, you were.
- 458. All right, so shoot me!
I was whacking off.
- 459. That's right, I was choking the bishop.
Chafing the carrot.
- 460. You know, saying hi to my monster.
- 461. - That's disgusting!
- Excuse me,
- 462. but some of us still have blood
pumping through our veins!
- 463. - So do I!
- 464. I'm the only one who seems
to be doing anything about it!
- 465. Lester, I refuse to live like this.
- 466. This is not a marriage!
- 467. This hasn't been a marriage for years.
- 468. But you were happy
as long as I kept my mouth shut.
- 469. Guess what? I've changed. And the
new me whacks off when he feels horny,
- 470. 'cause you're obviously not gonna
help me out in that department.
- 471. I see. You think you're the only one
who's sexually frustrated.
- 472. I'm not? Well,
then come on, baby, I'm ready!
- 473. Don't you mess with me, mister.
- 474. I will divorce you so fast
it'll make your head spin!
- 475. On what grounds?
- 476. I'm not a drunk.
I don't fuck other women.
- 477. I don't mistreat you.
I've never hit you.
- 478. I don't even try to touch you
since you made it abundantly clear
- 479. just how unnecessary
you consider me to be!
- 480. But I did support you
when you got your license.
- 481. And some people might think that
entitles me to half of what's yours.
- 482. So turn out the light
when you come back to bed, OK?
- 483. lt's a great thing when you realize
- 484. you still have the ability
to surprise yourself.
- 485. Makes you wonder what else you can do
that you've forgotten about.
- 486. Hey, guys!
- 487. - Lester, I didn't know you ran.
- I just started.
- 488. Good for you.
- 489. I figured you might be able to give me
some pointers. I need to shape up. Fast.
- 490. Are you looking to just lose weight
- 491. or do you want to have increased
strength and flexibility as well?
- 492. I want to look good naked.
- 493. What is this?
- 494. Fucking gay pride parade?
- 495. Hey, Ricky.
- 496. My life is passing before my eyes and
those two have barely broken a sweat.
- 497. Sorry, hi. Lester Burnham.
I live next door. We haven't met.
- 498. Colonel Frank Fitts, US Marine Corps.
- 499. Oh, well...
- 500. Welcome to the neighborhood, sir.
- 501. Ricky...
- 502. I was thinking about...
the movie we talked about.
- 503. - Re-Animator.
- 504. You want to borrow it?
It's up in my room.
- 505. - OK.
- Come on.
- 506. - Can you hold this for a sec?
- 507. I don't think my dad would come in
while someone else is here,
- 508. - but you never know.
- What is this?
- 509. Urine.
- 510. I have to take a drug test every
six months just to make sure I'm clean.
- 511. Are you kidding?
You just smoked with me last night.
- 512. It's not mine.
- 513. One of my clients is a nurse
in a pediatrician's office.
- 514. I cut her a deal,
she keeps me in clean piss.
- 515. You like Pink Floyd?
- 516. I like a lot of music.
- 517. Man, I haven't listened
to this album in years.
- 518. How much do you want?
- 519. I don't know. It's been a while.
How much is an ounce?
- 520. This is totally decent,
and it's 300.
- 521. This shit is top-of-the-line.
- 522. It's called G-13. It's genetically
engineered by the US government.
- 523. It's extremely potent, but
a completely mellow high. No paranoia.
- 524. Is that what we smoked last night?
- 525. This is all I ever smoke.
- 526. - How much?
- Two grand.
- 527. Jesus!
- 528. Things have changed since 1973.
- 529. You don't have to pay now.
I know you're good for it.
- 530. Thanks.
- 531. There's a card in there
with my beeper number.
- 532. Beep me any time, day or night.
- 533. And I only accept cash.
- 534. Now I know how you can afford
all this equipment.
- 535. When I was your age, I flipped burgers
all summer just to buy an 8-track.
- 536. That sucks.
- 537. No. Actually, it was great.
- 538. All I did was party and get laid.
- 539. I had my whole life ahead of me.
- 540. My dad thinks I pay for all this
with catering jobs.
- 541. Never underestimate the power of denial.
- 542. What the hell do you think you're doing?
- 543. Mom's mad. Bench presses.
- 544. I'm going to whale on my pecs,
and then I'm going to do my back.
- 545. I see you're smoking pot now.
I'm so glad.
- 546. I think using illegal
- 547. is a very positive example
to set for our daughter.
- 548. You're one to talk, you bloodless,
- 549. Lester, you have such hostility in you!
- 550. Do you mind?
I'm trying to work out here.
- 551. Unless you want to spot me.
- 552. Lester, you will not get away with this!
You can be sure of that!
- 553. That's... what...
- 554. you... think.
- 555. "Myjob consists
of basically masking my contempt
- 556. for the assholes in charge
- 557. and, at least once a day,
- 558. retiring to the men's room
so I can jerk off
- 559. while I fantasize about a life
that doesn't so closely resemble hell."
- 560. Well, you obviously have
no interest in saving yourself.
- 561. Brad, for 14 years I've been a whore
for the advertising industry.
- 562. The only way I could save myself now
is if I start firebombing.
- 563. Whatever. Management wants you gone
by the end of the day.
- 564. What sort of severance package
is management prepared to offer me
- 565. considering the information I have
about our editorial director
- 566. buying pussy with company money?
Which I think would interest the IRS,
- 567. since it technically constitutes fraud.
- 568. I'm sure that some of our advertisers
and rival publications
- 569. might like to know about it as well.
Not to mention... Craig's wife.
- 570. - What do you want?
- One year's salary with benefits.
- 571. That's not going to happen.
- 572. What do you say I throw in a little
sexual harassment charge to boot?
- 573. - Against who?
- Against you.
- 574. Can you prove that you
didn't offer to save myjob
- 575. if I let you blow me?
- 576. Man... You are one twisted fuck.
- 577. Nope.
- 578. I'm just an ordinary guy
with nothing to lose.
- 579. Yeah!
- 580. - Carolyn.
- 581. I am so sorry to have kept you waiting.
- 582. Christy left for New York this morning.
- 583. Let's just say things were
a little hectic around the house.
- 584. What's she doing in New York?
- 585. She's moving there.
Yes. We are splitting up.
- 586. - Buddy, I'm so sorry.
- 587. According to her,
I'm too focused on my career.
- 588. As if being driven to succeed
is some sort of a character flaw.
- 589. She certainly did take advantage of
the lifestyle my success afforded her.
- 590. It's for the best.
- 591. When I saw you two at the party the
other night, you seemed perfectly happy.
- 592. Call me crazy...
- 593. but it is my philosophy
that in order to be successful,
- 594. one must project an image
of success at all times.
- 595. What are you doing?
- 596. I was filming this dead bird.
- 597. Why?
- 598. Because it's beautiful.
- 599. I think maybe you forgot
your medication today, mental-boy.
- 600. Hi, Jane.
- 601. Look, I want you to stop filming me.
- 602. OK.
- 603. Well, whatever. This is boring.
- 604. Let's go.
- 605. - Do you need a ride?
- Are you crazy?
- 606. I don't want to end up hacked to pieces
in a dumpster somewhere.
- 607. It's OK. I'll walk. But thanks.
- 608. See? He doesn't want to go anyway.
Come on. Let's go.
- 609. Come on, Jane.
- 610. I think I'm gonna walk, too.
- 611. What? Jane, that's,
like, almost a mile!
- 612. God! I love it!
- 613. - You like getting nailed by the king?
- Yes, I love it!
- 614. Fuck me, Your Majesty!
- 615. - Who's the king?
- You are!
- 616. Who's the king?
- 617. American woman
- 618. Stay away from me
- 619. American woman
- 620. Mama let me be
- 621. Don't come hanging around my door
- 622. I don't wanna see your face no more
- 623. l got better things to do
Than spend my life growing old with you
- 624. Now woman
- 625. - Smile, you're at Mr. Smiley's.
- 626. Would you like to try
our new bacon and egg fajita,
- 627. just $1.29 for a limited time only?
- 628. No, but thank you.
- 629. I'd like the Big Barn Burger,
Smiley Fries, and an orange soda.
- 630. Please drive up to the window.
- 631. Smile, you're at Mr. Smiley's.
That'll be $4.98, please.
- 632. - Would you like some Smiley Sauce?
- No, no.
- 633. Actually, I'd like
to fill out an application.
- 634. There's no jobs for manager.
It's just for counter.
- 635. Good.
- 636. I'm looking for the least possible
amount of responsibility.
- 637. I don't think you'd fit in here.
- 638. I have fast-food experience.
- 639. Yeah, like 20 years ago!
- 640. I'm sure there have been amazing
technological advances in the industry,
- 641. but surely you must have
some sort of training program.
- 642. It seems unfair to presume
I won't be able to learn.
- 643. That was exactly what I needed.
- 644. The royal treatment, so to speak.
- 645. I was so stressed out.
- 646. - Know what I do when I feel like that?
- 647. I fire a gun.
- 648. Really?
- 649. Yeah, I go to this little
firing range downtown
- 650. and I just pop off a few rounds.
- 651. I've never fired a gun before.
- 652. Well, you've got to try it.
- 653. Nothing makes you feel more powerful.
- 654. Well, almost nothing.
- 655. So, do you like your new house?
- 656. I like it.
- 657. The people who used to live there fed
stray cats, so they were always around,
- 658. and it drove my mother nuts.
- 659. And then she cut down their tree.
- 660. - Is that a funeral?
- 661. Have you ever known
anybody who died?
- 662. No. Have you?
- 663. No.
- 664. But I did see this homeless woman
who froze to death once.
- 665. Just lying there on the sidewalk.
She looked really sad.
- 666. I got that homeless woman
- 667. Why would you film that?
- 668. Because it was amazing.
- 669. What's amazing about it?
- 670. When you see something like that
- 671. it's like God is looking right at you,
just for a second.
- 672. And if you're careful,
you can look right back.
- 673. And what do you see?
- 674. Beauty.
- 675. Mom? I want you to meet somebody.
- 676. - Mom?
- 677. I want you to meet somebody.
This is Jane.
- 678. - Hi.
- Oh, my.
- 679. I apologize for the way
things look around here.
- 680. This is where my dad hides out.
- 681. I take it he's got a thing for guns.
- 682. You got to see this one thing.
- 683. My dad would kill me
if he knew I was in here.
- 684. Did you steal his keys?
- 685. No. One of my clients is a locksmith.
- 686. He was short on cash one night,
so I let him pay me in trade.
- 687. Turn it over.
- 688. Oh, my God.
- 689. It's, like, official state china
of the Third Reich.
- 690. There's a whole subculture of people
who collect this Nazi shit.
- 691. But my dad just has this one thing.
- 692. - What's wrong?
- 693. - No, you're scared of me.
- No, I'm not.
- 694. You want to see the most beautiful thing
I've ever filmed?
- 695. It was one of those days
- 696. where it's a minute away from snowing...
- 697. and there's this electricity
in the air.
- 698. You can almost hear it.
- 699. Right?
- 700. And this bag was just...
- 701. dancing with me.
- 702. Like a little kid,
begging me to play with it.
- 703. For 15 minutes.
- 704. That's the day I realized
that there was this...
- 705. entire life behind things...
- 706. and this incredibly benevolent force
- 707. that wanted me to know that
there was no reason to be afraid...
- 708. ever.
- 709. Video's a poor excuse, I know.
- 710. But it helps me remember.
- 711. I need to remember.
- 712. Sometimes there is so much...
- 713. beauty... in the world.
- 714. I feel like I can't take it.
- 715. And my heart...
- 716. is just going to cave in.
- 717. Oh, my God. What time is it?
- 718. - Sorry I'm late.
- That's quite all right, dear.
- 719. Your father and I were just
discussing his day at work.
- 720. Why don't you tell our daughter
about it, honey?
- 721. Janie, today I quit myjob.
Then I told my boss to go fuck himself
- 722. and blackmailed him for almost $60,000.
Pass the asparagus.
- 723. Your father seems to think this kind
of behavior is something to be proud of.
- 724. Your mother seems to prefer
I go through life like a prisoner
- 725. while she keeps my dick
in a jar under the sink.
- 726. How dare you speak to me
that way in front of her?
- 727. I marvel that you can be
so contemptuous of me
- 728. on the same day
that you lose your job!
- 729. I didn't lose it. It's not like,
"Where'd myjob go?" I quit!
- 730. Someone pass the asparagus, please.
- 731. Thank you for putting me
under the added pressure
- 732. - of being the sole breadwinner now.
- I already have a job.
- 733. Don't give a second thought
as to who's gonna pay the mortgage.
- 734. We'll just leave it all to Carolyn!
- 735. "You're gonna take care of everything?"
- 736. "Yes, I don't mind."
- 737. "You mean everything? You don't mind
having the sole responsibility?
- 738. Your husband feels he
can quit his job..."
- 739. Will someone pass
the fucking asparagus?
- 740. - I'm not gonna be a part of this.
- Sit down!
- 741. I am sick and tired of being treated
like I don't exist.
- 742. You two do whatever you want to do
whenever you want,
- 743. and I don't complain. All I want...
- 744. You don't complain?
Please! Excuse me, excuse me!
- 745. I must be psychotic!
If you don't complain, what is this?
- 746. Yeah, let's bring in the laugh meter
- 747. and see how loud it gets on that one!
- 748. Don't interrupt me, honey.
- 749. And another thing.
- 750. From now on, we're going
to alternate our dinner music
- 751. because, frankly,
and I don't think I'm alone here,
- 752. I am really tired
of this Lawrence Welk shit.
- 753. Go away!
- 754. Honey, please let me in.
- 755. I wish that you hadn't witnessed that
awful scene, but in a way, I'm glad.
- 756. Why? So I can see
what freaks you and Dad really are?
- 757. Me?
- 758. Oh, God.
- 759. Christ, Mom.
- 760. No, I'm glad because...
- 761. Because you're old enough now to learn
the most important lesson in life:
- 762. You cannot count on anyone
- 763. You know, it's sad but true.
- 764. And the sooner you learn it, the better.
- 765. Look, Mom, I really don't feel like
having a Kodak moment here, OK?
- 766. You ungrateful little brat!
- 767. Just look at everything you have!
- 768. When I was your age,
I lived in a duplex!
- 769. We didn't even have our own house.
- 770. You little bastard!
- 771. - No, I just...
- How did you get in there?
- 772. How? How?
- 773. Come on, get up! Come on!
- 774. Get up!
- 775. Fight back, you little pussy!
- 776. No, sir, I won't fight you!
- 777. - How? How did you get in there?
- I picked the lock, sir.
- 778. What were you looking for? Money?
Are you on dope again?
- 779. No, sir. I wanted to show
my girlfriend your Nazi plate.
- 780. - A girlfriend?
- Yes, sir. She lives next door.
- 781. Her name's Jane.
- 782. This is for your own good, boy.
- 783. You have no respect for other people's
things and for authority.
- 784. Yes, sir. I'm sorry.
- 785. Can't just go around doing
whatever you feel like!
- 786. - You can't! There are rules in life.
- Yes, sir.
- 787. You need structure, yeah.
- 788. - You need discipline!
- Discipline. Yes, sir.
- 789. Thank you for trying to teach me.
Don't give up on me, Dad.
- 790. Ricky...
- 791. You stay out of there!
- 792. I gotta say, when you first came here,
I thought you would be hopeless.
- 793. But you're a natural.
- 794. Well, all I know is,
I love shooting this gun!
- 795. Don't tell me not to fly
l've simply got to
- 796. If someone takes a spill
lt's me and not you
- 797. Don't bring around the cloud
to rain on my parade
- 798. l'll beat my drum
- 799. And if I'm found out
- 800. Your turn at bat, sir
- 801. At least I didn't fake it
- 802. So what? I didn't make it
- 803. Nobody
- 804. l said nobody
- 805. Nobody
- 806. Had better rain on
- 807. My parade
- 808. What?
- 809. Whose car is that out front?
- 810. Mine. 1970 Pontiac Firebird,
- 811. the car I've always wanted,
and now I have it.
- 812. - I rule.
- Where's the Camry?
- 813. I traded it in.
- 814. Shouldn't you have consulted me first?
- 815. Let me think.
- 816. No. You never drove it.
- 817. Have you done something different?
You look great.
- 818. Where's Jane?
- 819. Jane not home.
- 820. We have...
- 821. the whole house...
- 822. to ourselves.
- 823. Christ, Carolyn.
- 824. When did you become so...
- 825. joyless?
- 826. Joyless?
- 827. I am not joyless.
- 828. There happens to be a lot about me
- 829. that you don't know, Mr. Smarty Man.
- 830. There is plenty ofjoy in my life.
- 831. Whatever happened to that girl...
- 832. who used to fake seizures
at frat parties when she got bored?
- 833. Who used to run up to the roof
of our first apartment building
- 834. to flash the traffic helicopters?
- 835. Have you totally forgotten about her?
- 836. Because I haven't.
- 837. Lester, you're gonna
spill beer on the couch.
- 838. So what? It's just a couch.
- 839. This is a $4,000 sofa
upholstered in Italian silk!
- 840. This is not just a couch!
- 841. It's just a couch!
- 842. This isn't life!
- 843. This is just stuff.
- 844. And it's become more important to you
than living. Honey, that's just nuts.
- 845. I'm only trying to help you!
- 846. Don't.
- 847. Why?
- 848. It's weird watching myself.
I don't like how I look.
- 849. Can't believe you don't know
how beautiful you are.
- 850. Look, I'm not gonna
sit here for that shit.
- 851. How does it feel now?
- 852. - Fine.
- You don't feel naked?
- 853. I am naked.
- 854. You know what I mean.
- 855. So tell me about being in the hospital.
- 856. When I was 15,
my dad caught me smoking dope.
- 857. He totally freaked and
decided to send me to military school.
- 858. l told you his thing
about structure and discipline, right?
- 859. Well, of course, I got kicked out.
- 860. Dad and I had this huge fight.
- 861. He hit me.
- 862. And the next day at school,
some kid made a crack about my haircut.
- 863. And I just snapped.
- 864. I wanted to kill him.
- 865. I would've killed him...
- 866. if they hadn't pulled me off.
- 867. That's when my dad
put me in the hospital.
- 868. They drugged me up and
left me in there for two years.
- 869. You must really hate him.
- 870. He's not a bad man.
- 871. You'd better believe I'd hate my dad
if he did something like that to me.
- 872. Wait. I already do hate my dad.
- 873. Why?
- 874. He's a total asshole.
- 875. He's got this crush on my friend Angela,
and it's disgusting.
- 876. You'd rather he had the crush on you.
- 877. Gross. No.
- 878. But it'd be nice if I was anywhere near
as important to him as she is.
- 879. I know you think my dad's harmless,
but you're wrong.
- 880. He's doing massive
psychological damage to me.
- 881. How?
- 882. Well, now, I, too, need structure.
- 883. A little fucking discipline.
- 884. I'm serious, though.
- 885. How could he not be damaging me?
- 886. I need a father who's a role model.
- 887. Not some horny geek-boy
who's gonna spray his shorts
- 888. whenever I bring a girlfriend
home from school.
- 889. What a lame-o.
- 890. Someone really should just
put him out of his misery.
- 891. Want me to kill him for you?
- 892. Yeah. Would you?
- 893. It'll cost you.
- 894. I've been babysitting
since I was about ten.
- 895. I've got almost $3,000.
- 896. Course, I was saving it up
for a boob job.
- 897. But...
- 898. You know, that's not
a very nice thing to do.
- 899. Hiring someone to kill your dad.
- 900. l guess l'm not
a very nice girl, then, am I?
- 901. You know I'm not serious, right?
- 902. Of course.
- 903. You know how lucky we are
to have found each other?
- 904. Remember those posters that said:
- 905. "Today is the first day
of the rest of your life"?
- 906. Well, that's true
of every day except one:
- 907. The day you die.
- 908. Jane, hurry up.
- 909. I've got a very important appointment.
- 910. Mom, is it OK
if Angela sleeps over tonight?
- 911. Well, of course. She's always welcome.
- 912. I thought you two had a fight. I haven't
seen her around here in a while.
- 913. - What?
- I've been too embarrassed
- 914. to bring her over.
- 915. Because of you
and that way you behave.
- 916. What are you talking about?
I've barely even spoken to her.
- 917. You stare at her all the time!
Like you're drunk!
- 918. - It's disgusting!
- Watch yourself, Jane,
- 919. or you're gonna turn into
a real bitch, just like your mother!
- 920. Fuck.
- 921. You ready to go?
- 922. I don't need a ride.
I'm going in with Jane and her mom.
- 923. Oh, morning.
- 924. - Hey, Ricky. How's it going?
- Pretty decent, Mr. Burnham.
- 925. Hey, hey.
- 926. I need that Super Smiley
with cheese ASAP!
- 927. You need more than that,
my little hombre.
- 928. - Yeah. What's good here?
- 929. Then l guess we'll
just have to be bad, won't we?
- 930. I'll have a Double Smiley sandwich,
- 931. - curly fries and a vanilla shake.
- Make that two!
- 932. That'll be $7.98. Please drive up
to the window. Thank you.
- 933. I think we deserve a little junk food
after the workout we had this morning.
- 934. - Did you know that?
- Thank you. I'm flattered.
- 935. Smile! You're at Mister Smiley's!
- 936. Would you like to try our new beef
and cheese pot pie on a stick?
- 937. Just $1.99 for a limited time only?
- 938. We were just at a seminar.
- 939. - Buddy, this is my...
- Her husband.
- 940. We've met before,
- 941. but something tells me you're going
to remember me this time.
- 942. You are so busted.
- 943. This really doesn't concern you!
- 944. Actually, Janine is senior drive-thru
manager, so you kind of are on her turf.
- 945. So, this makes sense.
- 946. - Oh, Lester...
- Honey, it's OK.
- 947. I want you to be happy.
- 948. - Would you like Smiley sauce with that?
- Lester, just stop it!
- 949. No, no. You...
- 950. don't get to tell me what to do...
- 951. ever... again.
- 952. I'm sorry.
- 953. I guess we should cool it for a while.
- 954. I'm facing a potentially
very expensive divorce.
- 955. No. I understand completely.
- 956. In order to be successful,
- 957. one must project an image
of success at all times.
- 958. Stop it. Stop it.
- 959. Shit.
- 960. I have to run next door.
- 961. Jane left her geometry book in my bag.
She needs it to do her homework.
- 962. You and psycho-boy are fucking
on a regular basis now, right?
- 963. - No.
- Come on, you can tell me.
- 964. Does he have a big dick?
- 965. I'm not going to talk about his dick
with you, OK? It's not like that.
- 966. Not like what? Doesn't he have one?
- 967. Why don't you want to talk about it?
- 968. I tell you every single detail
about every guy that I fuck.
- 969. Yeah, and maybe you shouldn't,
- 970. Maybe I really don't want
to hear about all that.
- 971. So now that you have a boyfriend,
you're above it?
- 972. We got to get you a real man.
- 973. - You got any papers?
- 974. In the cigar box right over there.
- 975. Put up a fight, dude.
You are such a pushover.
- 976. "No, I can't, really, no. OK."
- 977. You should learn to roll a joint.
- 978. - Hi.
- Where's Mom?
- 979. - Don't know.
- Hi, Mr. Burnham.
- 980. - Hi.
- Wow. Look at you.
- 981. - Have you been working out?
- 982. You can really tell.
- 983. Look at those arms.
- 984. You like muscles?
- 985. I should probably go see
what Jane's up to.
- 986. Where did you get that?
- 987. From myjob.
- 988. You don't lie to me.
- 989. Now, I saw you with him.
- 990. You were watching me?
- 991. What did he make you do?
- 992. Dad, you don't really think
me and Mr. Burnham...
- 993. Don't you laugh at me!
- 994. Now, I will not sit back and watch
my only son become a cocksucker!
- 995. Jesus! What is it with you?
- 996. I swear to God I'll throw you out of
this house and never look at you again!
- 997. - You mean that.
- You're damn straight I do!
- 998. I'd rather you were dead
than be a fucking faggot!
- 999. You're right.
- 1000. - I suck dick for money.
- Boy, don't start!
- 1001. $2,000. I'm that good.
- 1002. Get out!
- 1003. And you should see me fuck!
- 1004. I'm the best piece of ass
in three states!
- 1005. Damn it, get out!
I don't ever want to see you again!
- 1006. What a sad old man you are.
- 1007. Get out.
- 1008. Mom...
- 1009. - I'm leaving.
- 1010. Wear a raincoat.
- 1011. I wish things would have
been better for you.
- 1012. Take care of Dad.
- 1013. disinvesting problems of power
- 1014. and removing their ability
to make us afraid.
- 1015. This is the secret
to "Me-Centered Living."
- 1016. Only by taking full responsibility
for your actions and their solutions
- 1017. will you ever break free from
the constant cycle of victimhood.
- 1018. You are only a victim if you choose
to be a victim. We all have the power...
- 1019. I don't think we can be friends anymore.
You're way too uptight about sex.
- 1020. Just don't fuck my dad, all right?
- 1021. - Please?
- Why not?
- 1022. - Dad, leave us alone!
- It's me.
- 1023. If I had to leave tonight,
would you come with me?
- 1024. - What?
- If I had to go to New York to live,
- 1025. tonight, would you come with me?
- 1026. - Yes.
- You guys can't be serious!
- 1027. You're just a kid,
and he's, like, a mental case.
- 1028. You'll end up living in a box
on the street.
- 1029. I'm no more a kid than you are!
We can use my plastic surgery money.
- 1030. We won't have to.
I have over $40,000.
- 1031. I know people in the city
that can help us.
- 1032. - What, other drug dealers?
- 1033. Jane, you'd be out of your mind
to go with him.
- 1034. - Why do you even care?
- Because you're my friend!
- 1035. She's not your friend. She's someone
you use to feel better about yourself.
- 1036. - Go fuck yourself, psycho!
- Shut up, bitch!
- 1037. - Jane! He's a freak!
- Well, then so am I!
- 1038. And we'll always be freaks,
and we'll never be like other people.
- 1039. And you'll never be a freak
'cause you're just too perfect!
- 1040. Yeah, well, at least I'm not ugly.
- 1041. Yes, you are.
- 1042. And you're boring.
And you're totally ordinary.
- 1043. And you know it.
- 1044. You two deserve each other.
- 1045. Jesus, man, you're soaked!
- 1046. You want me to get Ricky?
He's in Jane's room.
- 1047. Are you OK?
- 1048. Where's your wife?
- 1049. I don't know.
- 1050. Probably out fucking that dorky
- 1051. And you know what?
- 1052. I don't care.
- 1053. Your wife is with another man
and you don't care?
- 1054. Nope.
- 1055. Our marriage is just for show.
- 1056. A commercial for how normal we are
- 1057. when we're anything but.
- 1058. Jesus, man, you are shaking.
- 1059. We really ought to get you
out of these clothes.
- 1060. Yeah.
- 1061. It's OK.
- 1062. I am...
- 1063. You just tell me what you need.
- 1064. It's OK.
- 1065. I'm sorry.
- 1066. You got the wrong idea.
- 1067. "I refuse to be a victim."
- 1068. When this becomes your mantra,
constantly reinforcing your...
- 1069. I refuse to be a victim!
- 1070. I hope you don't mind
if I play the stereo.
- 1071. Not at all.
- 1072. Bad night?
- 1073. Not really bad. Just...
- 1074. strange.
- 1075. Believe me, it couldn't possibly
be any stranger than mine.
- 1076. Jane and I had a fight.
- 1077. It was about you.
- 1078. She's mad at me because...
- 1079. I said I think you're sexy.
- 1080. - Do you want a sip?
- 1081. So...
- 1082. are you going to tell me?
- 1083. What do you want?
- 1084. I don't know.
- 1085. You...
- 1086. don't know.
- 1087. What do you want?
- 1088. Are you kidding?
- 1089. I want you.
- 1090. I've wanted you
since the first moment I saw you.
- 1091. You are the most beautiful thing
I have ever seen.
- 1092. You don't think I'm ordinary?
- 1093. You couldn't be ordinary if you tried.
- 1094. Thank you.
- 1095. I don't think there's anything worse
than being ordinary.
- 1096. I refuse to be a victim.
I refuse to be a victim.
- 1097. I refuse to be a victim.
- 1098. Lester... I have something
I have to say to you.
- 1099. Are you scared?
- 1100. I don't get scared.
- 1101. My parents will try to find me.
- 1102. Mine won't.
- 1103. This is my first time.
- 1104. You're kidding.
- 1105. I'm sorry.
- 1106. I still want to do it.
- 1107. I just...
- 1108. thought I should tell you,
in case you wondered why I wasn't...
- 1109. better.
- 1110. What's wrong?
- 1111. I thought you said I was beautiful.
- 1112. You are beautiful.
- 1113. You are so...
- 1114. beautiful.
- 1115. And I would be a very...
- 1116. lucky man.
- 1117. I feel so stupid.
- 1118. Don't.
- 1119. I'm sorry.
- 1120. You have nothing to be sorry about.
- 1121. It's OK.
- 1122. Everything's OK.
- 1123. Wow. I was starving.
- 1124. - Do you want me to make another one?
- No, I'm fine.
- 1125. You sure?
- 1126. I'm still a little weirded out,
but I feel better.
- 1127. Thanks.
- 1128. How's Jane?
- 1129. What do you mean?
- 1130. I mean...
- 1131. how's her life?
- 1132. Is she happy?
- 1133. Is she miserable?
- 1134. I'd really like to know, and she'd die
before she'd ever tell me about it.
- 1135. She's... she is really happy.
- 1136. She thinks she's in love.
- 1137. Good for her.
- 1138. How are you?
- 1139. It's been a long time
since anybody asked me that.
- 1140. I'm great.
- 1141. I've got to go to the bathroom.
- 1142. I'm great.
- 1143. Man, oh, man.
- 1144. Man, oh, man, oh, man.
- 1145. Oh, my God!
- 1146. I had always heard your entire life
flashes in front of your eyes
- 1147. the second before you die.
- 1148. First of all...
- 1149. that one second
isn't a second at all.
- 1150. lt stretches on forever,
like an ocean of time.
- 1151. For me, it was lying on my back
at Boy Scout camp
- 1152. watching falling stars.
- 1153. And yellow leaves from the
maple trees that lined our street.
- 1154. Or my grandmother's hands and the way
her skin seemed like paper.
- 1155. And the first time
l saw my cousin Tony's
- 1156. brand-new Firebird.
- 1157. And Janie.
- 1158. And Carolyn.
- 1159. I guess I could be pretty pissed off
about what happened to me,
- 1160. but it's hard to stay mad when
there's so much beauty in the world.
- 1161. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it
all at once, and it's too much.
- 1162. My heart fills up like a balloon
that's about to burst.
- 1163. And then I remember to relax
- 1164. and stop trying to hold on to it.
- 1165. And then it flows
through me like rain
- 1166. and I can't feel anything but gratitude
- 1167. for every single moment
of my stupid little life.
- 1168. You have no idea
what l'm talking about, l'm sure.
- 1169. But don't worry.
- 1170. You will someday.