1. We the People.Copy !req
2. We the People.Copy !req
3. We the People.Copy !req
4. We the People.
We the People.Copy !req
5. We the People!
We the People!Copy !req
6. We the People!
We the People!Copy !req
7. Wait…Copy !req
8. We the People…Copy !req
9. - Yeah!Copy !req
10. - We the People!
- We the People!Copy !req
11. Sorry, Tom, "We the People" it is.Copy !req
12. You can use "Us rich white guys"
on your Christmas card.Copy !req
13. Mmm, at Dartmouth,
we play with actual paddles.Copy !req
14. Nobody fucking cares
how you do it at Dartmouth, Tom.Copy !req
15. Franklin, these bucktooth
fun police can suck itCopy !req
16. because we've done it, boys!Copy !req
17. - We have declared our independence!
Huzzah!Copy !req
18. Lincoln and his idiot lackey, Washington,
are gonna be pissed they missed this.Copy !req
19. - Ooh! We should take a picture!Copy !req
20. Say "cheese."Copy !req
21. Benedict Arnold?Copy !req
22. - It's the Redcoats! Run!Copy !req
23. What is happ—Copy !req
24. No, no, no!
- Declarate this!Copy !req
25. Now I just have to catch a show
with my old chum,Copy !req
26. Abraham Lincoln.Copy !req
27. Four score and seven years ago,Copy !req
28. I swore an oath to never tell a lie.Copy !req
29. To be true to my family, my friends,
and the Republic for which they stand,Copy !req
30. which is why I am compelled,
by divine duty, to tell youCopy !req
31. your prices are fucking insane!Copy !req
32. Wow, easy. Take it up with the King.Copy !req
33. - Something about taxation!
Yeah, that's right!Copy !req
34. Dude, I just work here.Copy !req
35. But… Uh…
Something about representation!Copy !req
36. - Yeah!
- You tell 'em, Abe!Copy !req
37. Abe!
- This isn't over, pal!Copy !req
38. Yeah!Copy !req
39. You don't gotta be
such a damn tyrant about it.Copy !req
40. - This guy dared me to climb up here.
No, I didn't.Copy !req
41. Well, you should've! Whoo!Copy !req
42. - Yeah!Copy !req
43. George, you are a wild man.Copy !req
44. What can I say?Copy !req
45. Somebody's gotta
balance out all your boring politics.Copy !req
46. George, I guess
that's what makes us such a good team.Copy !req
47. A team that will last until we both die
of natural causes and old age,Copy !req
48. in our forties.Copy !req
49. But I do wish ya cared
about more than just partying.Copy !req
50. Abe! I care
about more than that, all right?Copy !req
51. I also care about… how good we look!Copy !req
52. Oh, George.
You paid 35 bucks for a T-blouse?Copy !req
53. No, I paid 70 bucks for two T-blouses.Copy !req
54. Twinsies!Copy !req
55. George, I wish I had
a million friends like you.Copy !req
56. - Should I put it on my body?
- Yeah, put it on your body.Copy !req
57. Oh, it feels so soft on my body.Copy !req
58. - It's like a blend. Is it a blend?
- It's a tri-blend.Copy !req
59. Oh, it's so soft,
I'd swear it's a quad blend.Copy !req
60. - I know.
- Oh, shit, oh!Copy !req
61. Oh, here comes Ben.Copy !req
62. - Ooh! Uh, hey, Ben.
- Benedict.Copy !req
63. Oh, sorry. Last two.Copy !req
64. I'm so glad you came.Copy !req
65. Mmm, I was worried
that you might have caught windCopy !req
66. of my little surprise.Copy !req
67. No, not at all, man.Copy !req
68. These are boffo seats!
We didn't even see this coming at all.Copy !req
69. What are you up to?Copy !req
70. You hate surprises and general whimsy.Copy !req
71. I've always told you, Abraham,Copy !req
72. that your revolution
would be the end of you.Copy !req
73. And I've always told you, Ben,
that I was willing to take that chance.Copy !req
74. That we should all
be willing to take that chance.Copy !req
75. Yes, you have.Copy !req
76. The only problem is
you assumed, all this time,Copy !req
77. that I'm part of your "we," when, in fact,Copy !req
78. I'm with a different "we," now.Copy !req
79. Uh, I didn't… I don't get it.Copy !req
80. I changed teams, assholes.Copy !req
81. Oh, Ben, good for you!Copy !req
82. I'm so glad
that you're embracing your true self.Copy !req
83. No! I'm gonna be fuckin' rich.Copy !req
84. Oh, Rich sounds like a great guy,
would love to meet him.Copy !req
85. - We could do a double date?
- You're misunderstanding.Copy !req
86. - I'll be doing the Redcoat Shuffle.
- Hey.Copy !req
87. Whatever you guys do
in private is your business.Copy !req
88. That's one of the things
we're fighting for!Copy !req
89. Stop being so damn accepting for a minute!Copy !req
90. I have aligned myself with the Brits.Copy !req
91. Oh. Ohh!Copy !req
92. George, are you hearing this?Copy !req
93. Are you seeing this?Copy !req
94. Abe, they're using things as instruments
that you're not supposed to use.Copy !req
95. - It's crazy!
- George, fuck!Copy !req
96. You've sided
with the fun police?Copy !req
97. Something about taxation.
Don't you remember?Copy !req
98. Hot take, Abe. Fun sucks.Copy !req
99. The Declaration was signed tonight, Ben.Copy !req
100. You're too late
to stop the revolution. Ha-ha!Copy !req
101. - Oh, am I?Copy !req
102. - Your friends in revolution are all dead.
What?Copy !req
103. And as for your precious
Declaration of Independence…Copy !req
104. - Oh, it's beautiful!
- A-Kelly Ripa!Copy !req
105. No!Copy !req
106. But you're Benedict "Cosby" Arnold!Copy !req
107. - You're better than this!
- You're right.Copy !req
108. I am.Copy !req
109. Abe, what the… Oh, my God.
Your neck's… Oh, my God!Copy !req
110. Your neck is bleeding!
Is this part of the show?Copy !req
111. Look, I don't do well
with interactive theater, okay?Copy !req
112. It kinda freaks me out.Copy !req
113. I know. That's great.
We're number one, I get that.Copy !req
114. But I don't see what that has to do with…Copy !req
115. Arnold, behind you.Copy !req
116. No, Abe, I'm George.Copy !req
117. It's George!Copy !req
118. George, turn around.Copy !req
119. Ben! Ben, what the fuck, man?Copy !req
120. Someday, Georgie,
you'll have to draft a documentCopy !req
121. that specifically outlines
the punishment for what I just did.Copy !req
122. But for now, I bid you adieu.Copy !req
123. Nyah!Copy !req
124. Sic semper my dick, bitches!Copy !req
125. This is the weirdest show.Copy !req
126. Abe.Copy !req
127. Abe, are you okay?Copy !req
128. - No, my throat has been roadhoused.
Ah, it's in my mouth.Copy !req
129. I'm dying, George.Copy !req
130. No, you will not die!
You shut your mouth!Copy !req
131. - I will shut my mouth.Copy !req
132. - Forever.
- Stop it!Copy !req
133. - Abe, you're gonna make it.
- Yes, to the other side.Copy !req
134. No! Back to this side! Where you belong!Copy !req
135. George, you must free the colonies.Copy !req
136. No! That's your thing, Abe.
It's not mine.Copy !req
137. It's yours now, George.
I believe in you.Copy !req
138. - Free the colonies.Copy !req
139. Found a new country.Copy !req
140. Name her…Copy !req
141. Name her what, babe?
You tell me what you want me to name her.Copy !req
142. God damn it! You son of a bitch!Copy !req
143. Whatever you tell me to name her,
that's what I'm gonna name her, Abie!Copy !req
144. Name her America.Copy !req
145. Is that your top choice?Copy !req
146. We can spitball some options,
see if we can beat it.Copy !req
147. There is no time, George.Copy !req
148. My death-shit is imminent.Copy !req
149. America, okay? Just remember…Copy !req
150. A—Copy !req
151. Nope.Copy !req
152. A— [retches, coughs]Copy !req
153. Okay, hold it.Copy !req
154. Abe!Copy !req
155. Stand ready.Copy !req
156. A vengeful Washington
will be here in three, two…Copy !req
157. Hey, dickhole!Copy !req
158. It's time to… Oh, fuck me.Copy !req
159. Yes. Fuck you, indeed.Copy !req
160. Subdue him.Copy !req
161. I wish to shame him
with a cutting dialogue.Copy !req
162. - Hello, guv.Copy !req
163. I know betrayal hurts, Georgie,Copy !req
164. and it can often rile in a man
motivation he didn't even know he had.Copy !req
165. But face facts.Copy !req
166. With Abe and the rest of your
revolutionaries gone,Copy !req
167. on account of me having
killed them all just now,Copy !req
168. your tired, party-boy antics
are bound to fail.Copy !req
169. You'll never be the leader Abe was.Copy !req
170. Because you lack Abe's brains, his heart,Copy !req
171. and, most importantly, his soul.Copy !req
172. Without him, the revolution is dead.Copy !req
173. Rah!Copy !req
174. - Whoo!Copy !req
175. That cherry tree
didn't chop its fucking self down!Copy !req
176. Let's go!Copy !req
177. Ah, are you a miniboss, or what?
Do something!Copy !req
178. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
179. Transporter, go!Copy !req
180. Let's get you transported.Copy !req
181. I can't believe we ever let you
into the Three Fuckateers!Copy !req
182. I'm changing our Netflix password!Copy !req
183. Transporter, the bridge!Copy !req
184. Ah!Copy !req
185. Fuckin' bridges.Copy !req
186. Ah, Christ.Copy !req
187. What now?Copy !req
188. Oh, Georgie, I almost forgot.Copy !req
189. I have something from your king.Copy !req
190. This is for you.Copy !req
191. "This is for you."Copy !req
192. I'm so clever!Copy !req
193. No.Copy !req
194. This is for…Copy !req
195. America!Copy !req
196. Shut the fuck up!Copy !req
197. All right.Copy !req
198. He sewed it by handCopy !req
199. when Trishelle came down
with dengue fever last May Day.Copy !req
200. He laid it upon her and she healed.Copy !req
201. And now, she lays it upon him,Copy !req
202. but he will never heal.Copy !req
203. John 3:16.Copy !req
204. A gift from Mozart himself.Copy !req
205. Silenced now, like its owner, forever.Copy !req
206. You're, uh—
Martha Dandridge.Copy !req
207. You were there that night, on stage.Copy !req
208. And you are George Washington,
inventor of peanut butter.Copy !req
209. The same.Copy !req
210. Abraham Lincoln's best friend.Copy !req
211. Forever.Copy !req
212. You've suffered a tremendous loss.Copy !req
213. You should not be alone tonight.Copy !req
214. - Oh!
- Ahh!Copy !req
215. - Yes! Yes!
- Ah!Copy !req
216. - Uh…
- What is it? You can tell me, Martha.Copy !req
217. - You can tell me anything.
- Well…Copy !req
218. - I'm pregnant.
- What? Just now?Copy !req
219. - Yeah.
- You're sure?Copy !req
220. - A woman knows.Copy !req
221. A miracle has befallen us!Copy !req
222. - Has it?
- It has! Yes.Copy !req
223. Oh, but has it?Copy !req
224. All I've ever wanted, Martha,Copy !req
225. was the one thing
I never had, a loving family.Copy !req
226. - Gross, you were an orphan?
- What?Copy !req
227. - Of course not! God, no. Ew.
- Ugh! Phew!Copy !req
228. No, but look,
my father was a real man's man,Copy !req
229. which is to say, like all men's men,Copy !req
230. he disrespected my mother
and punished me for his insecurities.Copy !req
231. And see, this will be a great opportunity
to break that cycle, if you will.Copy !req
232. You know, there can be
no spring without winter. John 3:16.Copy !req
233. That's beautiful, George.Copy !req
234. Oh, hey, what's this?Copy !req
235. Oh.Copy !req
236. Just a box
of misty water-colored memories.Copy !req
237. Oh, look, the day we first met.Copy !req
238. I was hiding from my father in the woods,Copy !req
239. and he had been drinking
and listening to Kid Rock again.Copy !req
240. And then, I encountered a boy,
no older than me,Copy !req
241. and he smelled of possums and night soil.Copy !req
242. We couldn't have been any more different.
And yet, he opened up his arms to meCopy !req
243. and he took me up into his tree home.Copy !req
244. It was the first time
that I understood what family was.Copy !req
245. Aw… #Blessed.Copy !req
246. This is his seventh birthday.Copy !req
247. I had to get him a hat to cover
that hideous, malformed head of his.Copy !req
248. Who could have known
that it would come to be his trademark?Copy !req
249. Oh, prom! Wow!Copy !req
250. We lost our virginities
that night.Copy !req
251. - Together.
- Oh, I get it.Copy !req
252. I've been to Paris.Copy !req
253. Oh, man, we had so many plans.Copy !req
254. Oh, Sky Camp! Junior Templar Scouts.Copy !req
255. Our semi-pro
rolling-circle-with-a-stick team.Copy !req
256. What is this even…Copy !req
257. - Oh!Copy !req
258. - Oh!Copy !req
259. - The famed "Lincoln Log!"
Yes!Copy !req
260. Abe, you rapscallion.Copy !req
261. Oh.Copy !req
262. You rapscallion.Copy !req
263. Oh…Copy !req
264. George.Copy !req
265. - Oh, George. George!
What?Copy !req
266. - What?
- You know what you must do.Copy !req
267. Have a bunch more sex with you
until I start feeling better?Copy !req
268. - That'll work in the short term.
Okay, that's a great idea.Copy !req
269. No, no… No! George.Copy !req
270. You must avenge Abe.Copy !req
271. See his dream through.Copy !req
272. I can't!
King James is more powerful than ever.Copy !req
273. - I can't fight him alone.
- No, you need partners.Copy !req
274. - Partners?
- Yes!Copy !req
275. - Partners in the revolution?
- Yes!Copy !req
276. Partners whose spirit, like mine,Copy !req
277. outweigh their sense
of self-preservation and sanity, even?Copy !req
278. Yes! You know, Samuel Adams
plays in my adult kickball league.Copy !req
279. - I totally know him.
- Hold the phone!Copy !req
280. Samuel Adems is the race car driver.
You know him?Copy !req
281. What's a phone?
And no, no, no, no.Copy !req
282. That's Samuel Adems, with an "E."Copy !req
283. This is Samuel Adams, with an "A."Copy !req
284. The rabble rouser.Copy !req
285. Chug! Chug! Chug!Copy !req
286. - Whoo!Copy !req
287. Sammy Addy from way downtown!Copy !req
288. Fuck, yeah!Copy !req
289. Boffo fireworks, Mr. Adams.Copy !req
290. Very, very boffo. I'm George Washington.Copy !req
291. George Washington, the dinosaur rancher?Copy !req
292. Ah, no, no,
that's George Washingten, with an "E."Copy !req
293. I'm George Washington, with an "O,"
the future king of America.Copy !req
294. America? What the fuck is America, bro?Copy !req
295. [dude-bro 1] Yeah, what is it?Copy !req
296. Fucking tell us!Copy !req
297. Today, but the final
whispered word of a dying man.Copy !req
298. But a year from now, with your help,
the most powerful country in the world.Copy !req
299. A country free of British rule.Copy !req
300. Oh, fuck, man! I hate the British.Copy !req
301. They're always breaking up
our peaceable free assemblies.Copy !req
302. - Bro! Bro! Bro!Copy !req
303. Our parties.Copy !req
304. I call them "the fun police."Copy !req
305. - [dude-bro 1] Who would do that?
- "The fun police."Copy !req
306. That is exactly
what Abe used to call them!Copy !req
307. They hassle us
because we like to blow shit upCopy !req
308. and get into fights
with anybody who looks different than us.Copy !req
309. Yeah!Copy !req
310. - Yeah, we're being oppressed!
- Well, I mean—Copy !req
311. Hell, we'd still be partying right now
if they hadn't shut us down last night.Copy !req
312. It's 'cause of my beer.Copy !req
313. - The British, they just can't handle it.
- [dude-bro 1] Yeah.Copy !req
314. - Beer?
Beer!Copy !req
315. It's made from rotten grass.
Try this shit.Copy !req
316. You're gonna love it.Copy !req
317. You don't even have
to put cow dick milk in it.Copy !req
318. - Cow dick milk. Right.
- This guy gets it.Copy !req
319. E Pluribus Unum, that's good!Copy !req
320. Right? Brits know,
when this shit hits the market,Copy !req
321. their whole tea economy's
gonna fucking implode.Copy !req
322. They're shitting in their pantaloons
and it's diarrhea.Copy !req
323. So, we share an enemy. A cause.Copy !req
324. And I can see plainly
that you share my testicular fortitude.Copy !req
325. I'll be honest with you, dude.
I eat whatever I want.Copy !req
326. I never work out.
I'm basically jacked from fucking.Copy !req
327. No shit! Your arms are bigger
than your fuckin' thighs.Copy !req
328. - Look at those things.
- That is a birth defect.Copy !req
329. Look, I have to ask.
Do you have any skills?Copy !req
330. Skills that would, maybe, help win a war?Copy !req
331. Whoo! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Bingo!Copy !req
332. Whoo!Copy !req
333. Those the kind of skills
you might be interested in, bruh?Copy !req
334. Indubitably, my friend.Copy !req
335. You pack quite the punch,
Samuel Adams with an "A."Copy !req
336. You're damn right, I do.Copy !req
337. And I hope you got room for everybody.Copy !req
338. 'Cause whatever I do, wherever I go,Copy !req
339. I do and go with every single one
of my fraternity brothers.Copy !req
340. Where we at, boys?Copy !req
341. All right, pledges,
circle up and grab some thumb lube.Copy !req
342. - Yeah!Copy !req
343. Thumbs up their ass!Copy !req
344. You know what? You know what?Copy !req
345. It's just occurring to me now,
it is hell week.Copy !req
346. These guys are gonna be so busy.Copy !req
347. - Uh, okay.
- And covered in cum.Copy !req
348. I'm sorry, what?Copy !req
349. I'm gonna tell them to catch up later.
Where to? What's the plan?Copy !req
350. Well, our team is not yet complete.Copy !req
351. To travel this great country,
we're gonna need a horseman.Copy !req
352. The best in the colonies.Copy !req
353. But where to find such a man?Copy !req
354. Oh, I know a place.Copy !req
355. So, I don't know, how do we even know
which one's the best horseman?Copy !req
356. Oh, you'll know, bro.Copy !req
357. These guys live their lives
one quarter mule at a time.Copy !req
358. Who is that?Copy !req
359. Paul Revere!Copy !req
360. Sorry about the horse, Paul.Copy !req
361. Mr. Revere? Sir?Copy !req
362. Sir Revere, your country needs you.Copy !req
363. Hi! I won the race!Copy !req
364. Did you see me? I'm good at horses.Copy !req
365. Who are you guys?
Will you be my new human friends?Copy !req
366. I mean, new just friends,Copy !req
367. because I have tons
of human friends already,Copy !req
368. and not just horse friends.Copy !req
369. Ooh, I see what I did here.
Now, this is my bad.Copy !req
370. - Cheese it! It's the fun police!Copy !req
371. Go, man! Redcoat!Copy !req
372. Go! Let's get outta here!
Come on, come on!Copy !req
373. Ah, the British are such a drag.Copy !req
374. They're like
the world's shittiest stepdad.Copy !req
375. That's what my dad sounds like.
If I was raised by horses.Copy !req
376. But I definitely wasn't.Copy !req
377. I have a human dad,
just like you guys.Copy !req
378. Yeah, great.Copy !req
379. And that's why we're best friends, right?Copy !req
380. Yeah. Sure, bud.Copy !req
381. Listen, if we're gonna have
any shot at this at all,Copy !req
382. we need more pledges.
I'm talking real heavy hitters.Copy !req
383. Oh, you know what?Copy !req
384. I heard they got a sorcerer
in the square, lighting it up tonight.Copy !req
385. Wanted in all—Copy !req
386. Oh, "lighting it up."
Okay.Copy !req
387. Having committed heresy in the eyes
of our Lord and Savior, King James,Copy !req
388. the condemned
is found guilty of the crimes of…Copy !req
389. creating a hypothesis,
testing that hypothesis,Copy !req
390. and drawing conclusions
that refine that hypothesis.Copy !req
391. Thomas Edison, for these crimes
of practicing science-craft,Copy !req
392. you are hereby sentenced to death by fire.Copy !req
393. Well, shit. What are we gonna do now?Copy !req
394. Uh… oh!Copy !req
395. How do you feel about endurance magicians?Copy !req
396. Oh, my God!Copy !req
397. - The demon is resistant to fire— Oh!Copy !req
398. Wow! This guy, am I right?Copy !req
399. - I vote we never piss him off.
Agreed.Copy !req
400. Vote passed.Copy !req
401. We're doin' it!Copy !req
402. Thomas Edison, you are said to beCopy !req
403. the preeminent sorcerer
in all the colonies,Copy !req
404. eons ahead of all your contemporaries.Copy !req
405. We seek to recruit you for a mission.Copy !req
406. We literally cannot succeed without you!Copy !req
407. What the—Copy !req
408. Oh, I'm sorry.
Were you expecting someone else?Copy !req
409. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. It's a chick.
It's a chick!Copy !req
410. I'm sorry. There's been
a bit of a mix-up, I think?Copy !req
411. Yeah, no such luck, dorks.Copy !req
412. You're looking for Thomas Edison,
ya got her.Copy !req
413. But Thomas is a man's name.Copy !req
414. I mean, my name is Thomas, so…Copy !req
415. Impossible! I have to say the obvious.Copy !req
416. - What is wrong with your skin?
- What's wrong with my skin?Copy !req
417. What is wrong… I'm sorry.Copy !req
418. What is wrong with your skin?Copy !req
419. Whoa! Bro, take it easy.Copy !req
420. Don't worry, I can handle this.Copy !req
421. There is nothing wrong with my skin.
I'm Chinese.Copy !req
422. - Huh?
- I'm from China.Copy !req
423. - Huh?
- I'm an immigrant.Copy !req
424. I came here from another country.
Like you.Copy !req
425. Oh, no! No, no, no.Copy !req
426. My people have always been here.Copy !req
427. That's why we make the rules, baby!Copy !req
428. Except you don't, dumb-ass.Copy !req
429. Ooh, you got burned!Copy !req
430. Isn't that why you've come to me?Copy !req
431. Because you need help
toppling the British?Copy !req
432. Yes! Exactly! That is…
Wait, how did you know that?Copy !req
433. Word travels fast in these parts,
George Washington with an "O."Copy !req
434. I… I don't know.
Now that I'm thinking about it,Copy !req
435. sorcerers are so 1775, am I right?Copy !req
436. Cool, because I'm not a sorcerer.Copy !req
437. I'm a scientist.Copy !req
438. There's no such thing as science.Copy !req
439. Oh, my God, did you guys hear that?Copy !req
440. - Really? No such thing as science, huh?
Yeah.Copy !req
441. Then what do you call this?Copy !req
442. Science!Copy !req
443. Oh! Wow!Copy !req
444. - Yay!
- Yeah, I call them conduction gloves.Copy !req
445. The science is simple, really.
They harness the subatomic—Copy !req
446. Oh, wait, no, don't tell us, dude.
That's gonna ruin the trick.Copy !req
447. Yeah, it's more fun not to know!Copy !req
448. Okay, guys, let's put our heads
together here on this one.Copy !req
449. There's gotta be
another Thomas Edison, right?Copy !req
450. Like a man Thomas Edison.Copy !req
451. Oh, yeah, there is.
There's Thomas Edisen with an "E,"Copy !req
452. the professional wrestler.Copy !req
453. Ah, that's him. Let's go get him.Copy !req
454. He's cool. Big dude.
Wears spandex, if you're into that.Copy !req
455. But he can't help you
defeat an entire army. I can.Copy !req
456. You would stand with us
against the British?Copy !req
457. Bet your ass. Those guys suck.Copy !req
458. I'm just doing science.Copy !req
459. And because they don't understand it,
they want to kill me?Copy !req
460. Man, fuck those dicks.Copy !req
461. Science is supposed to be fun
and they're ruining it.Copy !req
462. Yeah, right?
We even call 'em the fun police.Copy !req
463. Oh, man, that's good.
Can I use that?Copy !req
464. Uh, no.Copy !req
465. Problem. No problem.Copy !req
466. So, Edison,
you're obviously a great thinker.Copy !req
467. What would you have us do now?Copy !req
468. James has got eyes
and ears everywhere.Copy !req
469. If we're gonna blow up his spot,Copy !req
470. we need someone
who knows this land better than James.Copy !req
471. Whoa, whoa, whoa.Copy !req
472. You can't possibly be suggesting—Copy !req
473. He was a tracker,
best in the world,Copy !req
474. until he was sent to a British prison
for a crime he didn't commit.Copy !req
475. Now, he prowls the badlands,Copy !req
476. tracking for those
who can't track for themselves.Copy !req
477. If you have a problem
and you can find him,Copy !req
478. - maybe you can hire Geronimo.Copy !req
479. All right, what do you chuds want?Copy !req
480. Hey, you play lax, bro?Copy !req
481. Seth-chee.Copy !req
482. My people invented lacrosse,
all right, bro?Copy !req
483. Sure, man. Sure.Copy !req
484. We come as friends, mighty Geronimo…Copy !req
485. Nay, nay, we come as brothers.Copy !req
486. Mmm, Just doesn't feel right.
Feels like you're gonna try to fuck me.Copy !req
487. What? We wouldn't, never!Copy !req
488. Yeah, no, I think you might.Copy !req
489. Like, epically,
all the way down to my descendants.Copy !req
490. I got a sixth sense for this shit.Copy !req
491. No, our word is strong,Copy !req
492. like your mighty Indian tribe,
the, um… the…Copy !req
493. Ch…Copy !req
494. No.Copy !req
495. The Chicory?Copy !req
496. Kay yay.Copy !req
497. Squa…Copy !req
498. Sha… Sass… Sasquatch! Sasquatch.Copy !req
499. - Gotta be Sasquatch. There we go.
- Yes.Copy !req
500. Our word is strong,
like your mighty tribe, the Sasquatch.Copy !req
501. Fine. What do you want?Copy !req
502. - We seek to topple the British.
- I'm in.Copy !req
503. - Now, hear us out—
- Again, I'm in.Copy !req
504. - Not sure how much you know about them.
- Uh, quite a bit.Copy !req
505. They are really, really shitty buzzkills.Copy !req
506. - Really?
- Yeah, we call them, get this, here…Copy !req
507. - Ready? The fun police.
- "The fun police"?Copy !req
508. Yeah. They all have all these rules.Copy !req
509. No one's allowed to have
a single independent thought,Copy !req
510. and they're always taxing
the shit out of everybody!Copy !req
511. Yeah, that sounds rough.Copy !req
512. My issue
is just that they took my land,Copy !req
513. poisoned my people
to the brink of extinction,Copy !req
514. and murdered everyone I've ever cared for.Copy !req
515. So… real buzzkill.Copy !req
516. That is classic fun police.
Those guys have no chill.Copy !req
517. - Right?
- Chief Geronimo—Copy !req
518. - Just Geronimo is fine.
- Just Geronimo—Copy !req
519. Oh, God.Copy !req
520. We can't give you back your family.Copy !req
521. But join us and I promise you
justice will finally be served.Copy !req
522. So, you're telling me that if I help you,Copy !req
523. when you win this land
back from King James,Copy !req
524. you'll give it back to me and my family?Copy !req
525. - Absolutely.
Totally.Copy !req
526. - All of it? The whole enchilada?
- Well, I mean—Copy !req
527. Yeah, you bet we will.Copy !req
528. Sam, man, can I get
a quick sidebar with you?Copy !req
529. You know what?
I'm probably just being paranoid.Copy !req
530. So, what's the plan now,
and does it involve Doritos?Copy !req
531. Nope, better.Copy !req
532. A handkerchief.Copy !req
533. Greetings, Your Highness.Copy !req
534. May I be the first to welcome you
to your New World?Copy !req
535. You may dispense
with the pleasantries, Arnold.Copy !req
536. Such as they are.Copy !req
537. Yes, and this is,
like, the nice part of town.Copy !req
538. Well, it smells like shit,
which reminds me,Copy !req
539. I need to make room for second breakfast.Copy !req
540. I've had my fill
of mushy peas and blood sausage.Copy !req
541. Yes, accommodations
at the top of your obeliskCopy !req
542. are more well-suited, my king.Copy !req
543. Then, I can assume everything
is proceeding as I have foreseen.Copy !req
544. Yes, your plan is proceeding.Copy !req
545. But we have had troubleCopy !req
546. with a certain colonist
not falling in line.Copy !req
547. Well, has he read the rules?Copy !req
548. The rules should always
be posted clearly in a public placeCopy !req
549. where everyone can read them.Copy !req
550. Oh, can he… can he not read?Copy !req
551. Well, no, he has read them, Your Highness.Copy !req
552. However, he has chosen not to follow them.Copy !req
553. But they are the rules!
- I know!Copy !req
554. What is the point of being a ruler
if people are not following your rules?Copy !req
555. This is, like, King Shit 101!Copy !req
556. I understand, my king.Copy !req
557. Not following the…Copy !req
558. Arnold,
why, do you know what this is?Copy !req
559. - I do.
- It's rebellion!Copy !req
560. By definition.Copy !req
561. We cannot allow anything
to stop my plan, Arnold!Copy !req
562. Crush this illiterate rebel scum!Copy !req
563. It will be my pleasure.Copy !req
564. Excellent.Copy !req
565. Dudes, are we close yet?
I'm getting hangry.Copy !req
566. I could definitely eat.Copy !req
567. Oh, I saw a Boston Wild Wings
about a mile back.Copy !req
568. What's a mile?Copy !req
569. And I could totally
crush some B-dubs right now.Copy !req
570. Hey, hey! Knock it off, guys.Copy !req
571. First, we start a revolution.Copy !req
572. Then we can have
all the Boston Wild WingsCopy !req
573. that we've ever dreamed of,Copy !req
574. just like our forefathers
prophesized, okay?Copy !req
575. Now, Geronimo, what do you got?Copy !req
576. Uh, tracking isn't an exact science.Copy !req
577. This is a handkerchief.
What do you think I am? A dog?Copy !req
578. Okay,
I know this is a trick question,Copy !req
579. so I'm gonna go
with my immediate impulse. Yes.Copy !req
580. Fuck you, dude.Copy !req
581. - Yeah, he's in there.
Ello, guv'ner.Copy !req
582. Ello, guv'ner.
- Ello, guv!Copy !req
583. Ello, guv'ner.Copy !req
584. All right, that's a lot of men.Copy !req
585. And it's a sure bet
that there's even more inside.Copy !req
586. Wait, are we seriously
thinkin' about goin' in there?Copy !req
587. - Look at this place! It's a quagmire!
Guv'ner!Copy !req
588. Guys, we could be here for years
and accomplish nothing.Copy !req
589. You're right.
But we'd be accomplishing nothing…Copy !req
590. for America.Copy !req
591. Guys, I can't ask you
to go in there with me.Copy !req
592. Phew!Copy !req
593. - Yeah, good, because no.
- Great. Good luck.Copy !req
594. Whoa, whoa, wait, hold on.Copy !req
595. I thought I'd be all like,
"No, don't. I can do it."Copy !req
596. And then you guys would be like,
"No, I'll come, don't worry."Copy !req
597. I never know the right thing to say
when I'm tryin' to lead. This sucks!Copy !req
598. So, yeah, I guess I am.
I'm asking you to go in there with me.Copy !req
599. Will you please go in there with me?Copy !req
600. Huh, well, with a pep talk like that,
how could I say no?Copy !req
601. Pfft, whatever.
Let's just go kick some Redcoat ass!Copy !req
602. Wait, wait, wait! At least…
Just let me do an entrance thing.Copy !req
603. Ding dong! It's America, motherfucker!Copy !req
604. Oh, Georgie! Well, color me surprised.Copy !req
605. Oh, I'll color you fuckin' dead, Ben!Copy !req
606. Bravo!Copy !req
607. Did you practice that line
in the car on your way here?Copy !req
608. What the fuck is a car?Copy !req
609. And, no, it was a rebuttal
to something that you just said!Copy !req
610. How could I have thought of it in advanceCopy !req
611. if you said it just now
and I came up with the perfect rebuttal?Copy !req
612. Oh, pardon me.Copy !req
613. I forgot you aren't versed
in the gentlemanly art of debate,Copy !req
614. like your best friend, Abe Lincoln.Copy !req
615. Oh, or should I say ex-best friend?Copy !req
616. - Because he's dead.
- Damn, he's good.Copy !req
617. - All right, fuck this.Copy !req
618. For Abe!Copy !req
619. Watch it, witch!
You watch it, dick!Copy !req
620. Yeah.
Well, that could've gone better.Copy !req
621. Ya think?
Edison almost got everybody killed!Copy !req
622. - Everybody almost got everybody killed!
- Where's Arnold?Copy !req
623. And where's Geronimo?
He smells like campfire.Copy !req
624. You carry an unusual scent for a man.Copy !req
625. Almost like you're
not a man at all, but a—Copy !req
626. Stay and fight, you dick!Copy !req
627. Damn it! Oh, my God! Geronimo!Copy !req
628. That bastard bit me!Copy !req
629. It can't be.
I thought they were just a myth.Copy !req
630. The Navajo have
a name for their kind. Skinwalker.Copy !req
631. I won't live with this curse.Copy !req
632. - Hand me my ax.
- Are you sure?Copy !req
633. Does my grandfather shit in the woods?Copy !req
634. Um, I… Does he? I didn't know him.Copy !req
635. It's what we call bears.Copy !req
636. We call bears "grandfather."Copy !req
637. Fuck it, just give me my ax!Copy !req
638. Whoa, whoa, Geronimo!
What happened? Are you okay?Copy !req
639. Go! I'll take care of him.Copy !req
640. She's right, he's not important.
Arnold's getting away!Copy !req
641. No! No. We never leave a man behind.Copy !req
642. Edison, dress that wound.
Paul, call your horse.Copy !req
643. Hey, Clyde!Copy !req
644. - That way!
- Run, Clyde, run!Copy !req
645. - Whoa, whoa, whoa!Copy !req
646. Welcome to hell… acopter?Copy !req
647. I'm still working on it.
I don't love it, but I don't hate it.Copy !req
648. Paul, you were amazing.
Aw, thank you, human lady friend.Copy !req
649. And, Sam, your propensity
for murder is extraordinary.Copy !req
650. Thank you.
I took murder lessons from John Wick.Copy !req
651. The candle maker?
- Yeah!Copy !req
652. That dude is a fuckin' psycho!Copy !req
653. Yo, check it. The carriage stopped.Copy !req
654. But why would he stop here?Copy !req
655. The road to Delaware!Copy !req
656. Sea-Doo, bitches!Copy !req
657. Paul, can your sizable steed
clear that river?Copy !req
658. - Only one way to find out.Copy !req
659. In God I trust.Copy !req
660. Whoa!Copy !req
661. Oh, shit.Copy !req
662. He shorted it, Paul.
Hey, Paul, he shorted it.Copy !req
663. Clyde! His natural buoyancy
can support us all!Copy !req
664. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
665. Did you know that your horse
could swim that fast?Copy !req
666. Oh, yeah, Clyde's a great swimmer.Copy !req
667. He's great at so many things.
So proud!Copy !req
668. Thank you, Geronimo.
Your hair looks even better wet.Copy !req
669. Y'all a bunch of idiots.Copy !req
670. This feels like the end…Copy !req
671. of the first act… of my life.Copy !req
672. All hope is lost.Copy !req
673. What do we even do now?
Where do we go from here?Copy !req
674. Where we go isn't the question.Copy !req
675. The question is,Copy !req
676. do we bring an entree
or a fucking dessert?Copy !req
677. Oh, guys,
Gettysburg is impossibly vast.Copy !req
678. Finding this address
is like finding a needle in a haystack.Copy !req
679. Yeah, Edison's right. Let's just give up.Copy !req
680. - That is not what I said.
- What? Dudes, look, we tried.Copy !req
681. One thing. We literally tried one thing.Copy !req
682. Yeah, and it didn't work.Copy !req
683. - We all got wet, Edison. God!Copy !req
684. Look, this isn't fun anymore.Copy !req
685. Uh, I can fix that.Copy !req
686. Let's get hammered!Copy !req
687. Then, fuck it,
we hit the streets mob-rules style.Copy !req
688. Anyone we see who doesn't look like us,Copy !req
689. they see the bottom of our boots!Copy !req
690. Oh, my God.Copy !req
691. Okay, fine, no Indians this time.
Ooh, geez.Copy !req
692. Oh, my God. I don't know
how many times I have to tell you, Sam.Copy !req
693. - This is not India.
- Also, you're a fucking racist.Copy !req
694. Uh, no, Paul's the racist.Copy !req
695. He's the best horse racist
in the colonies.Copy !req
696. Yeah, I'm a great racist.Copy !req
697. Holy shit.Copy !req
698. A… A… A… A… A…Copy !req
699. Who wants pizza rolls and purple stuff?Copy !req
700. - Oh, wow, Chief Geronimo!
- Just Geronimo is fine.Copy !req
701. - You're the famous renegade tracker.
- Sure.Copy !req
702. And you're Thomas Edison,
the world-renowned scientist!Copy !req
703. The same.Copy !req
704. Wow, George, the team
is really shaping up nicely.Copy !req
705. Oh, no. No, we're not
a team anymore, Martha. We quit.Copy !req
706. - What?
- Besides, the revolution was Abe's thing.Copy !req
707. I tried to avenge him, but we blew it.Copy !req
708. Now, we're just gonna jam a bit
and slam some beers.Copy !req
709. This is a basic blues riff, guys.Copy !req
710. Just watch me for the changes.
All right, losers, let's party.Copy !req
711. No! George Bon Jovi Washington,
you do not get to party.Copy !req
712. - What?
- Would Abe want to party right now?Copy !req
713. Abe never wanted to party.Copy !req
714. Because he had goals, unrealized dreams.Copy !req
715. But you bet your ass
once those dreams were realized,Copy !req
716. he would've snorted a line
as long as the Magna Carta.Copy !req
717. Really? No. Abe? My Abe?Copy !req
718. Are you kidding? With that head?Copy !req
719. Dude was all sinus.
He was made for the marching powder.Copy !req
720. Not how cocaine works.Copy !req
721. Now, those goals are your goals.Copy !req
722. Those unrealized dreams
are your unrealized dreams.Copy !req
723. That's the promise that you made, right?Copy !req
724. So, achieve those goals.Copy !req
725. Realize those dreams.Copy !req
726. And then, you can party
like a rich white manCopy !req
727. who will never face adversity
for the rest of his glorious life!Copy !req
728. You're right. I have to earn it.Copy !req
729. That is what Abe would want,Copy !req
730. that insane coke-hound!Copy !req
731. Guys, I've thought about it.Copy !req
732. I'm willing to give it another shot
if you are.Copy !req
733. - What do you say?
- Sure, man.Copy !req
734. Um, you're the one who quit.Copy !req
735. If we can find Arnold, we can force
the Gettysburg Address out of him.Copy !req
736. Oh, I'm sorry,
did none of you notice my fucking arm?Copy !req
737. Benedict Arnold is a werewolf!Copy !req
738. In some cultures, known as a skinwalker.Copy !req
739. He ain't givin' up shit unless
he thinks we're an actual threat to him.Copy !req
740. The only way to be
an actual threat to him—Copy !req
741. Is if we have a silver bullet.Copy !req
742. - Exactly.
- Wait, what are we doing again?Copy !req
743. A silver bullet?
Who could ever even make such a thing?Copy !req
744. I know a blacksmith.Copy !req
745. He made this armor
and I've never taken it off.Copy !req
746. Okay. Okay! We'll visit this blacksmithCopy !req
747. and he will discover the secret
of the impossible weapon we require.Copy !req
748. Because our cause is just!Copy !req
749. It is righteous!Copy !req
750. It is His will! His and Abe's!Copy !req
751. - And the Earth Mother's.
- Nope.Copy !req
752. - And Isaac Newton's.
- Nope. Just God's.Copy !req
753. I hold these truths to be self-evident.Copy !req
754. All for one and one for all!Copy !req
755. We will find the Gettysburg Address.Copy !req
756. Huzzah!Copy !req
757. Huzzah! Nope, too late.Copy !req
758. - Smittay!Copy !req
759. Damn! Fuck my life.Copy !req
760. We're friends.Copy !req
761. Do I even wanna know
why you need a silver bullet?Copy !req
762. Best that you not know, Mr. Smith.Copy !req
763. Why do you keep calling me Mr. Smith?Copy !req
764. Well, Revere called you Black Smith.Copy !req
765. - Right, because I'm a blacksmith.
- Right. A Black Smith.Copy !req
766. - A blacksmith.
- Black Smith.Copy !req
767. I'm a smith who works with metal,Copy !req
768. which oxidizes during
the heating process and turns black.Copy !req
769. - So, you're a Smith.
- Exactly.Copy !req
770. - Of the Baltimore Smiths?Copy !req
771. Just tell me what you need it for.Copy !req
772. It'll be used to free the colonies.
Let's just leave it at that.Copy !req
773. Oh, you're talking about the Brits.Copy !req
774. Shit, why didn't you say so?
I'm definitely down for that.Copy !req
775. - You are?
- Fuck, yeah!Copy !req
776. I mean, don't get it twisted.Copy !req
777. I definitely do not trust
you motherfuckers.Copy !req
778. You three, especially.Copy !req
779. But fuck, man, I hate the British.Copy !req
780. Why, what have the fun police done to you?Copy !req
781. Look around. I'm a small business owner.Copy !req
782. What's a small business owner's
greatest enemy?Copy !req
783. - Large businesses?
- Thin profit margins?Copy !req
784. - Rising lube costs?
- White people stealing everything you own.Copy !req
785. - Having a squirrel for a friend?
- No.Copy !req
786. - Staff turnover?
- Tesla being a bitch?Copy !req
787. - Not getting drunk at lunch?
- White people stealing everything you own.Copy !req
788. Constant instinct to second-guessCopy !req
789. having risked your savings
on unproven business acumen?Copy !req
790. - No, it's taxes.
- Taxes. Correct.Copy !req
791. Small business taxes. And what's
the big knock against the British?Copy !req
792. - Something about taxation!
- Exactly.Copy !req
793. You'll help us? You'll craft
the silver bullet free of charge?Copy !req
794. What? Are you white motherfuckers crazy?Copy !req
795. I just told you
I'm a small business owner.Copy !req
796. You think I'm gonna
give you silver for free?Copy !req
797. Well, we don't have silver.Copy !req
798. The British seized it all
when they got here—Copy !req
799. Spoons. Teaspoons. I remember.Copy !req
800. Why do you think that shit's so expensive?Copy !req
801. Okay. Well, how much
do we need for, like, one bullet?Copy !req
802. - A metric shit-ton.
- For one bullet?Copy !req
803. Oh, I'm sorry.
Are you a fucking metallurgist like me?Copy !req
804. - That's, like, a thousand spoons!
- Three thousand.Copy !req
805. It's a metric shit-ton.Copy !req
806. Where are we gonna get
3,000 spoons overnight, bro?Copy !req
807. Well…Copy !req
808. May I present,
the year's biggest tea party.Copy !req
809. You need silver spoons,
you need to get aboard that ship.Copy !req
810. Wait a minute.
How did you know about this?Copy !req
811. What's up with
these assholes and flyers?Copy !req
812. Well, it's a great way to communicate
with a widespread audience,Copy !req
813. much like direct mail or the Pony Express,
where my brother does not work.Copy !req
814. All right. Shall we?
- Wait, wait, wait. Wait!Copy !req
815. - We need a plan.
- Why?Copy !req
816. Well, last time we didn't have one
and things got shitty.Copy !req
817. - Huh?
- Yeah, Geronimo lost his arm.Copy !req
818. - No, he lost like three-fifths of an arm.
Seriously?Copy !req
819. Oh, thoughts and prayers.Copy !req
820. Look, good leaders like Abe
have a plan for everything.Copy !req
821. - All right, His Leadership, let's hear it.
- Okay.Copy !req
822. So, Mr. Smith, you'll be the lookout.Copy !req
823. Nope.
- What?Copy !req
824. You want me, a Black dude,
to sit here in the dark, alone,Copy !req
825. to play lookout for you
while you break the law?Copy !req
826. Oh, hell no! I hate the British
but I ain't lookin' to get killed.Copy !req
827. So, y'all are on your own
to get that silver.Copy !req
828. But if you do get it,
I'll make your little bullet.Copy !req
829. All right. Then…Copy !req
830. here's the plan.Copy !req
831. Geronimo, you'll be the lookout.
Are you cool with being the lookout?Copy !req
832. I mean, if my choice is to be the lookoutCopy !req
833. or have one of you looking out for me,
yeah, I'll be the lookout.Copy !req
834. Great. Okay. Edison, you'll pose as
the wife of an officer already on board.Copy !req
835. This is taking too long.
Let's just dress as those guys.Copy !req
836. Ello, guv.Copy !req
837. Well, technically, that is a plan.Copy !req
838. Just technically, a very bad plan.Copy !req
839. Ha! I told you a jail would be
a better use of space than lifeboats.Copy !req
840. Hey, at least we got on board,
right, guys?Copy !req
841. I consider this mission accomplished.
Ooh, we should get a banner.Copy !req
842. Ugh, shockingly, Sam's not wrong.
We can still make this work.Copy !req
843. I've taken note
of how often the guards go on rounds.Copy !req
844. - If we lay low for a few hours—
- No!Copy !req
845. Enough with all of the planning!Copy !req
846. Did Magellan have a plan
when he circumnavigated the globe?Copy !req
847. No!
Yes.Copy !req
848. That took a lot of preparation.Copy !req
849. We'll set our course for freedom
using only our wits as our guide.Copy !req
850. Mr. Revere, tear down that wall.Copy !req
851. Whee!Copy !req
852. What is this place?Copy !req
853. I don't know, but don't touch any—Copy !req
854. Ooh, oops.Copy !req
855. They're steeping the colonists in tea!Copy !req
856. Turning them British.
James, you sick bastard!Copy !req
857. Look, as far as I can tell,
this is a test run.Copy !req
858. James is up to something bigger
than crushing the revolution.Copy !req
859. Maybe even…
Oh, fuck! I don't even want to say it!Copy !req
860. - Just say it.
- Something global.Copy !req
861. - That means…
- There are global stakes now.Copy !req
862. Good God!
Can you figure out what he's planning?Copy !req
863. Yeah, I think I can.
If I can just hack the mainframe.Copy !req
864. Great. Guys, gather as many
silver spoons as you can.Copy !req
865. In the meantime, I'll get these
hardworking Americans out of these tubes!Copy !req
866. George! No!Copy !req
867. No! I had almost downloaded the plan.Copy !req
868. - Uh, guys, we gotta go.
- Yep.Copy !req
869. Totally right.
Grab spoons, guys. Quick, let's go.Copy !req
870. Oh, no.
- Oh, my God, the humanity.Copy !req
871. This is bad. This is so bad.Copy !req
872. Those poor boat people.Copy !req
873. Look, if anybody asks,
the Titanic hit an iceberg.Copy !req
874. We were never here, baby.Copy !req
875. It's hopeless, Martha.
At this rate, I'll never avenge Abe.Copy !req
876. And see his dream through, don't forget.Copy !req
877. - That's the whole second part.
- I tried.Copy !req
878. I tried to be a leader like him, Martha.
It's just not working.Copy !req
879. Oh, George. Abe was a great leader,
but you can't copy him.Copy !req
880. You must find
your own style of leadership.Copy !req
881. Maybe something with less planning.
Something more free-spirited, like you.Copy !req
882. I know. I just wish
I realized that before we…Copy !req
883. Before the Titanic hit that iceberg.Copy !req
884. Yes. What a tragedy.Copy !req
885. Right? Such a tragedy!Copy !req
886. It feels like, for every step forward,
we just take two steps back. John 3:16.Copy !req
887. Then, let's focus on the positive, huh?
What was tonight's step forward?Copy !req
888. - I got these spoons.Copy !req
889. Oh, that's great, George.
And are they, like, for something?Copy !req
890. Yeah, but they're still useless
without the Gettysburg Address.Copy !req
891. The tirelessness
with which you've pursued your questCopy !req
892. has betrayed your confidence in it.Copy !req
893. Perhaps a quick HJ to help you sleep.Copy !req
894. Generous, but I need to earn it.Copy !req
895. Then, for now, rest, my love.Copy !req
896. Clear your head.
It's always darkest before the dawn.Copy !req
897. - John 3:16?
- I don't think so, champ.Copy !req
898. For now, rest, my love. Clear your head.Copy !req
899. It's always darkest before the dawn.Copy !req
900. Where am I?Copy !req
901. Don't worry, George. You're safe.Copy !req
902. Abe? Abe, is that you?
I can't see. Everything's so bright.Copy !req
903. Oh, that's me. Sorry, I was trying
to make this seem more impressive.Copy !req
904. It's great to see you, Abe.
But what is this place?Copy !req
905. It's your dream world, George.Copy !req
906. Is it?Copy !req
907. Can I ask a question, real quick?
Why is my dream world so shitty?Copy !req
908. Well, we ran out of money.Copy !req
909. - My dream ran out of money?
- Sure.Copy !req
910. Yeah. Look, I've been told by the,
you know, "dream producers,"Copy !req
911. that we could use this money
more effectively elsewhere.Copy !req
912. Like in an epic ending battle happening
sometime in the next 30 minutes or so.Copy !req
913. Okay, well, what were you gonna do?Copy !req
914. Oh, I had this whole idea worked out.Copy !req
915. - You were gonna fight a dream-hydra.
- Whoa, that's cool.Copy !req
916. I know. And it was made up
of all of King James' rules.Copy !req
917. And for every rule you cut down,
another appeared.Copy !req
918. - Rah!
Ooh!Copy !req
919. - That's a nice metaphor, dude!
- Thanks, bro.Copy !req
920. And it was all about how the revolutionCopy !req
921. is about more
than just breaking the king's rules.Copy !req
922. It's also about your son.Copy !req
923. - What? I'm havin' a boy?
Yeah!Copy !req
924. Boom! Sex, bitch! Oh, shit! Yeah!Copy !req
925. Either way would be cool. Girls are cool.Copy !req
926. Yeah. Yeah, it's a son, though.
He's the future.Copy !req
927. Him and all the sons
and daughters of this great nation,Copy !req
928. no matter what they look like
or where they come from.Copy !req
929. Be a leader for them, George.Copy !req
930. A leader for all people!Copy !req
931. I get it. I get it, Abe.Copy !req
932. But I would've got it a lot betterCopy !req
933. if I was kicking an ass
of a giant dream-hydra,Copy !req
934. but I'm just saying, I get it. I got it.Copy !req
935. Agreed. But don't worry, George.Copy !req
936. There's plenty of fighting left to do.Copy !req
937. Oh, and one more thing.Copy !req
938. What is it, old chum?
You can tell me anything.Copy !req
939. When your wife
offers you a hand job, you take it.Copy !req
940. George!
- Martha!Copy !req
941. George!
- Martha!Copy !req
942. Oh, don't worry about her, Georgie.Copy !req
943. She'll be quite not well taken care of,
if you catch my drift.Copy !req
944. I don't. But you were on the Titanic.
You should be dead.Copy !req
945. I mean, I heard you were on the Titanic.Copy !req
946. That's what I heard
from someone who was there,Copy !req
947. while I was here… reading… this book.Copy !req
948. The Graps of Wreath.Copy !req
949. Yes, well,
I'm an excellent swimmer, dickhead.Copy !req
950. You should've done your research.Copy !req
951. Thanks for the tip.Copy !req
952. When Edison invents
the Internet next year,Copy !req
953. I'll make sure
to edit your Wikipedia page myself.Copy !req
954. "Benedict Arnold, great swimmer
and a total fucking asswipe."Copy !req
955. Well, I'll just change it back.Copy !req
956. No, you won't, because you'll be dead!Copy !req
957. - Huh?Copy !req
958. What?Copy !req
959. Well, maybe
after she invents the Internet,Copy !req
960. your friend Edison can invent chainsaws
that don't require gasoline.Copy !req
961. You sucked the gas out
of my arm chainsaws while I was sleeping?Copy !req
962. Jesus Christ,
what kind of psychopath are you?Copy !req
963. The worst kind.Copy !req
964. Whatever you take that to mean.Copy !req
965. Take her to the Gettysburg Address.Copy !req
966. George, no!
- Martha!Copy !req
967. Oh, my, Georgie,
I just realized we woke you up.Copy !req
968. - Please allow us to recompense.Copy !req
969. Last night was bad news,
human friends.Copy !req
970. Yeah, bad news for the fun police.
Eat a dick, Titanic!Copy !req
971. - Right! Yes! Cool, cool, cool.Copy !req
972. And I guess the entire harbor ecosystem
can just eat a dick, too, right?Copy !req
973. I mean… Yes, 100%.Copy !req
974. Alarm! Alarm! Alarm! Alarm! Alarm!Copy !req
975. - Are you okay?
- George! What is it?Copy !req
976. Arnold kidnapped Martha!Copy !req
977. - Oh, no!
- It sucks when they steal your wife!Copy !req
978. And she's pregnant!Copy !req
979. - What?
- Congratulations, that's a beautiful gift!Copy !req
980. Thanks! I'm sorry
this is how I'm telling you,Copy !req
981. but we appreciate your support!Copy !req
982. We're already
on waiting lists for preschool.Copy !req
983. Hey, man. Maybe you need
to take some time for yourself.Copy !req
984. It's a lot, emotionally. I would know.Copy !req
985. No, that's exactly what I don't need.Copy !req
986. The old George
would just party these woes away.Copy !req
987. But not me.
This just adds fuel to my fuckin' fire.Copy !req
988. Hell yeah, man!Copy !req
989. Ben said he's keeping her
at the Gettysburg Address.Copy !req
990. Which we still don't have.
George, I'm sorry to say,Copy !req
991. but we've tried
everything to crack this code.Copy !req
992. - Code…
- I don't know what else we can do.Copy !req
993. - Code… Oh! Holy shit!
- What?Copy !req
994. Not many people know this,Copy !req
995. but Abe wasn't
just America's premier celebrity chef.Copy !req
996. He was also
its most capable cryptographer.Copy !req
997. Plip-plopipher?Copy !req
998. Cryptographer. You know, someone
who crafts and solves codes and ciphers.Copy !req
999. Yeah, a plip-plopipher.Copy !req
1000. That's what I said.
We're saying the same thing.Copy !req
1001. Exactly. Which means
that Abe's final edict,Copy !req
1002. that I name our freed country America,
was itself likely a cipher.Copy !req
1003. Hidden within the words
of America, my friends,Copy !req
1004. is the Gettysburg Address.Copy !req
1005. I don't know, seems like kind of a leap.Copy !req
1006. But I'll need some time to crack the code.Copy !req
1007. In the meantime, someone must
run the spoons to Black Smith.Copy !req
1008. Not it!Copy !req
1009. - All right, Chief, that's you.
- What the fuck just happened?Copy !req
1010. Did I just lose a game that
white people didn't explain the rules to?Copy !req
1011. I can't carry all the silver.Copy !req
1012. - I only got the one arm.
And whose fault is that?Copy !req
1013. That would be yours.
For screwing up Vietnam.Copy !req
1014. What are you talking about?
We won Vietnam.Copy !req
1015. Actually, if it gives me some time
away from you, yeah, I'll do it.Copy !req
1016. - You are a good man, Chief Geronimo.
Just Geronimo.Copy !req
1017. The rest of you, come with me.Copy !req
1018. I know the perfect place
to work on Abe's cipher.Copy !req
1019. Ugh, come on.Copy !req
1020. You left Washington alive.Copy !req
1021. Uh, yes,
a calculated risk, my liege.Copy !req
1022. Instead of trimming one thorn,Copy !req
1023. we may soon be in position
to wipe out the whole damn bush.Copy !req
1024. And kidnapping his wife?Copy !req
1025. You're not worried that will motivate him?Copy !req
1026. Oh, I'm counting on it.Copy !req
1027. Still, we should expedite my… Your plan.Copy !req
1028. Very well. Send me the head engineer.Copy !req
1029. You wanted to see me, Your Majesty?Copy !req
1030. There's been a slight change of plan.Copy !req
1031. We'll need my weapon operational
sooner than anticipated.Copy !req
1032. How much sooner, Your Majesty?Copy !req
1033. You tell me.Copy !req
1034. If we work around the clock,Copy !req
1035. we could probably
have it ready in three weeks?Copy !req
1036. Please, Your Majesty, Your Highness.
I can do it faster.Copy !req
1037. Ah, thank God.Copy !req
1038. My foot!Copy !req
1039. Most impressive.Copy !req
1040. Manchester, come to Daddy.Copy !req
1041. Oh, look at the good boy.Copy !req
1042. Oh, look, you have
a little engineer on your face.Copy !req
1043. Well, I guess I do, too, now.Copy !req
1044. Don't I? Don't I? Yes!Copy !req
1045. - Uh, okay.Copy !req
1046. I'll have Engineering
redouble their efforts.Copy !req
1047. See that you do, Arnold.Copy !req
1048. Whether or not you succeed with your plan,Copy !req
1049. and in case it wasn't clear,
I'm not holding my breath,Copy !req
1050. Washington is now marching inexorablyCopy !req
1051. into the gnashing maw
of the most diabolical war machineCopy !req
1052. the world has ever known.Copy !req
1053. And he doesn't even see it coming.Copy !req
1054. - Yes. They never do.Copy !req
1055. Uh, George? I thought you said
you had a safe place to work.Copy !req
1056. - What? This looks good to me.
- Thank you, Paul.Copy !req
1057. But this isn't the place I had in mind.
That is.Copy !req
1058. It got even better!Copy !req
1059. Abe, I'm home.Copy !req
1060. Pardon me, ma'am.Copy !req
1061. Oh, my gord, horse toys! Whee!Copy !req
1062. George?Copy !req
1063. - George, are you okay, buddy?Copy !req
1064. Yes, I am.Copy !req
1065. But I need to be one with Abe now.Copy !req
1066. I have to get inside of his head
if I hope to crack this code.Copy !req
1067. Okay.Copy !req
1068. Come on, come on!Copy !req
1069. Confirm! Please confirm!Copy !req
1070. We are cruisin'!Copy !req
1071. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
1072. Next and next. Next. Too easy.Copy !req
1073. No, no, don't. No, no. Yes!
Reset 30%, please!Copy !req
1074. Fuck no! I'm fucked.Copy !req
1075. No, fuck!Copy !req
1076. I am rusty, rusty.Copy !req
1077. Okay, at the hands of this guy is you.Copy !req
1078. Eternal destruction.Copy !req
1079. Quick, quick, quick! Thank you.Copy !req
1080. Return. Return. Yes!Copy !req
1081. Three, two, one. Go!Copy !req
1082. Come on. Yeah!Copy !req
1083. Whoo! Yeah!Copy !req
1084. You've been hacked, bro!Copy !req
1085. So, what are you going to do
when this is all over, huh?Copy !req
1086. You got family somewhere?Copy !req
1087. Clyde is my family.Copy !req
1088. No, I know, but like,
you know, people family, friends?Copy !req
1089. That's why I'm doing this.Copy !req
1090. You started a war against the most
powerful country on Earth to make friends?Copy !req
1091. Yes. Yes, I did.
I never had people friends.Copy !req
1092. Oh, Paul. You have one now.Copy !req
1093. Thank you. Why do you wanna make war?Copy !req
1094. They're mean to you
and they disrespect you, like a mule.Copy !req
1095. Well, George means well.Copy !req
1096. Sam disrespects me, but he's an idiot.Copy !req
1097. Listen, lions don't concern themselves
with the opinions of sheep.Copy !req
1098. Well, I'm friends with a lot of sheep
and, boy, are they opinionated.Copy !req
1099. - Oh, I just meant—Copy !req
1100. That's how sheep talk.Copy !req
1101. Look, I'm doing this
because I want science for everyone.Copy !req
1102. Without fear of punishment
or persecution or even judgment.Copy !req
1103. Problem is,
the rich white assholes that run the jointCopy !req
1104. keep telling everyone
that science isn't real.Copy !req
1105. So, I'm gonna show 'em.Copy !req
1106. I'm gonna show the whole
damn world that science is real.Copy !req
1107. How are you gonna do that?Copy !req
1108. By using it to do something
that no one can ignore.Copy !req
1109. - I'm going to use science to win a war.
- Oh!Copy !req
1110. I don't know how I'm gonna do it yet.Copy !req
1111. But all it takes is one great invention
deployed at the perfect time,Copy !req
1112. and then,
the whole world will yell at once—Copy !req
1113. - Eur-goddamn-reka!Copy !req
1114. …at which point, I was reminded
of one of Abe's favorite exploits.Copy !req
1115. After a reverse hash,
I backdoored the root password.Copy !req
1116. A base checksum
against the main data storeCopy !req
1117. allowed me to retrieve the salted hash,Copy !req
1118. and then, from there,
I was gleaming the cube.Copy !req
1119. George, this is amazing!Copy !req
1120. You haven't even heard the kicker.Copy !req
1121. When I extrapolated through
a dual node minimum spanning tree,Copy !req
1122. the cipher's definition revealed itself.Copy !req
1123. "A" is the first letter of the alphabet,Copy !req
1124. which means it is letter number one.Copy !req
1125. Therefore, "A" equals one.Copy !req
1126. - Yeah, I understand all of this.
- Oh!Copy !req
1127. And if "A" equals one, then—Copy !req
1128. - You've got to be kidding me!
- Both of us.Copy !req
1129. I am not. America equals "1 Merica."Copy !req
1130. Now, does that word "Merica"
ring a bell to any of you?Copy !req
1131. Oh! Oh! I know! Fuck, I lost it.Copy !req
1132. Ooh, no. Does it start with a one?Copy !req
1133. Maybe this will jog your memory.Copy !req
1134. This is ten times magnification.Copy !req
1135. Oh, my God.Copy !req
1136. Gentlemen, lady,
I give you the Gettysburg Address.Copy !req
1137. Oof!Copy !req
1138. Oh. I guess we… I guess we
should've scouted the area, right, guys?Copy !req
1139. But then we wouldn't have had George's
awesome code-cracking scene, right?Copy !req
1140. Really? You thought that was awesome?Copy !req
1141. It wasn't, you know, too indulgent?Copy !req
1142. No way, dude. Totally realistic.Copy !req
1143. And entirely too short.Copy !req
1144. Guys, you have got to see this. Look.Copy !req
1145. Whoa!Copy !req
1146. What do you see?Copy !req
1147. Redcoats standing around a table.Copy !req
1148. And there's only one reason
grown men would stand around a table.Copy !req
1149. - To jerk off.
- To plot— What?Copy !req
1150. - To plot.
- Exactly. The meeting's already underway.Copy !req
1151. Then we haven't a moment to lose.Copy !req
1152. George, wait.
We don't have the silver bullet yet.Copy !req
1153. - We need it to kill Arnold.
- Damn it! That's right.Copy !req
1154. Where the hell are those guys
with our silver bullet?Copy !req
1155. and then the big dumb one says,
"We won Vietnam."Copy !req
1156. Can you imagine being so used to winning
at everything for your whole life,Copy !req
1157. that even when you lose,
your brain's just like,Copy !req
1158. "Yo, we must've won that shit, right?"Copy !req
1159. That's the definition of privilege,
right there.Copy !req
1160. Oh, I've tried to
tell them that so many times,Copy !req
1161. but they don't even hear me.Copy !req
1162. You wanna get through to them,Copy !req
1163. you'd have to put
your message in like, I don't know,Copy !req
1164. the dumbest thing possible,
like a cartoon or something.Copy !req
1165. Hey, so how much longer
on this silver bullet?Copy !req
1166. - Man, that shit been done for hours.
- What?Copy !req
1167. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
1168. I can't wait any longer.Copy !req
1169. I have to rescue my wife and unborn child.Copy !req
1170. If that baby-eating bastard is in there—Copy !req
1171. Oh, my God! He threatened
to eat your unborn baby?Copy !req
1172. No, no, no. I mean, not literally.
But, look, he's very evil, Edison.Copy !req
1173. I mean, come on.
Are we splittin' hairs here?Copy !req
1174. George, without that silver bullet,
we'll all be dinner.Copy !req
1175. I know, okay? Look, guys,
I don't expect you to go in there.Copy !req
1176. It's suicide, but I have to.Copy !req
1177. George, we're a team.Copy !req
1178. If there's even a chance
we can save your family,Copy !req
1179. we have to take it. Right, guys?Copy !req
1180. - Plus, I just heard he eats babies!
- Oh, no!Copy !req
1181. - Sam, no!
- I knew it!Copy !req
1182. There's no time to lose.
Come on. Let's get our sneak on.Copy !req
1183. Science.Copy !req
1184. Uh-huh. The door's not locked.Copy !req
1185. It didn't need to be. Laser beams.Copy !req
1186. Hope you boys are limbered up.Copy !req
1187. Easy. Easy, does it. Easy, Daddy.
Oh, easy.Copy !req
1188. Uh, guys, this is just yarn.Copy !req
1189. I'm creeping very quietly.Copy !req
1190. Don't you move, bad guy!Copy !req
1191. Look at him go! That's great!Copy !req
1192. Ha-ha! What the shit?Copy !req
1193. Who fucking drew this?
This is completely unrealistic.Copy !req
1194. Pip-Pip, cheerio.
Bob's your uncle.Copy !req
1195. Ello, guv!
Bangers and mash.Copy !req
1196. That bastard set us up.Copy !req
1197. Martha!Copy !req
1198. - Martha!
- George, wait! It's a… trap.Copy !req
1199. Yep, shit.Copy !req
1200. - What did they do to your wife?
- Paul, that's not Martha.Copy !req
1201. It's a hyper-thermobaric bomb.Copy !req
1202. My hand blasters should interrupt
the current to the triggering mechanism.Copy !req
1203. Science.Copy !req
1204. - Oh, what?Copy !req
1205. Witch, that was your one chanceCopy !req
1206. and your beloved science
totally fucked us!Copy !req
1207. I don't understand. I used science.Copy !req
1208. We're outta time. I have to
get this as far away as possible.Copy !req
1209. It's up to you guys now.Copy !req
1210. Save Martha! Save America!Copy !req
1211. No, you save her yourself, George.Copy !req
1212. This is a job for a racist.Copy !req
1213. The fastest racist in the colonies.Copy !req
1214. Goodbye, people friends!Copy !req
1215. - Yah!Copy !req
1216. Go, Clyde! Fast as the wind!Copy !req
1217. Hey, compadre, vamanos!Copy !req
1218. Clyde, what are you talking about?Copy !req
1219. Clyde can get a lot further away
without Pablo's added weight.Copy !req
1220. No! But Clyde is Paul's only friend!Copy !req
1221. - No, Pablo has human friends now.
- But, Clyde—Copy !req
1222. Go! Git!Copy !req
1223. Don't you see?Copy !req
1224. - Clyde doesn't want Pablo around anymore.
- What?Copy !req
1225. - Git! Damn it, Pablo, git!
- Clyde, no!Copy !req
1226. - Get away!
- Clyde, why would you say that? No!Copy !req
1227. Clyde, please!Copy !req
1228. Clyde!Copy !req
1229. Oh, I guess that big idiot
really cared about us.Copy !req
1230. Yeah, he really did.Copy !req
1231. King James, we meet at last.Copy !req
1232. Yes, yes. Kudos, Washington.Copy !req
1233. I see that you managed to evade the trap
your old friend Benedict laid for you.Copy !req
1234. Evade this, butter teeth!Copy !req
1235. Sam, you're not gonna…Copy !req
1236. It's a hologram.Copy !req
1237. Where's my wife, you bastard?Copy !req
1238. I believe you mean…
Where is your future queen?Copy !req
1239. Never!Copy !req
1240. Oh, you'll come round.Copy !req
1241. Martha!Copy !req
1242. If you lay even one
of your sausage fingers on her,Copy !req
1243. I'll rip your fucking dick off!Copy !req
1244. You better make it quick, George,Copy !req
1245. because we're about
to become very well acquainted.Copy !req
1246. No more repartee, James.Copy !req
1247. No more games!Copy !req
1248. I want you face-to-face.Copy !req
1249. Hmm. What did you have in mind?Copy !req
1250. Tomorrow.Copy !req
1251. For all the fucking marbles.Copy !req
1252. My squad. Your squad!Copy !req
1253. You mean, your squad
and my giant fuck-off army!Copy !req
1254. Bring me every Redcoat alive
for all I care.Copy !req
1255. I'll bring extra gas for my chainsaws.Copy !req
1256. I accept.
Tomorrow morning. Attrition Field.Copy !req
1257. Eight o'clock, sharp. Don't be late.Copy !req
1258. Clyde!Copy !req
1259. Hmm. He gonna be okay?Copy !req
1260. You sacrificed Clyde… to save us?Copy !req
1261. Clyde sacrificed himself.Copy !req
1262. I love my new people friends,Copy !req
1263. but I loved Clyde, too!Copy !req
1264. He was my brother!Copy !req
1265. There's gotta be something we can do.Copy !req
1266. Well, I'm in a book club
with Clara Barton.Copy !req
1267. The groundbreaking
medical practitioner?Copy !req
1268. His name's Clara?Copy !req
1269. I think I can save him.Copy !req
1270. But it will require the full breadth
of my cybernetic research to do so.Copy !req
1271. - Meaning?
- Meaning when I'm done…Copy !req
1272. He'll be more machine than animal.Copy !req
1273. And there's also a chanceCopy !req
1274. that at some point in the distant future,
he'll rise up against us and—Copy !req
1275. The horse owes me three bucks,
so do what you gotta do, Doc.Copy !req
1276. It's a long shot.
My nanotechnology is advanced,Copy !req
1277. but there's really just
no substitute for living tissue.Copy !req
1278. Go. I need to be alone with Clyde.Copy !req
1279. Okay, Paul. Okay.Copy !req
1280. Say what you will about these colonists,Copy !req
1281. but frying a chicken
and putting it in a bucket,Copy !req
1282. that's a solid idea.Copy !req
1283. Aren't you thirsty, my queen?Copy !req
1284. I'll never drink
your over-taxed tea, James.Copy !req
1285. You'll feel much more agreeable
after a relaxing soak.Copy !req
1286. Arnold, has milady's bath been drawn?Copy !req
1287. Yes, my liege. Earl Grey, hot.Copy !req
1288. Excellent!Copy !req
1289. Oh! Look at this,
it's a double-stuffed pizza crust.Copy !req
1290. Just… I mean,
do the maths, Arnold. It's impossible.Copy !req
1291. Did you want some?Copy !req
1292. Enjoy it while you can, James.Copy !req
1293. Before my husband
rips your fucking dick off!Copy !req
1294. My dear, now that my
Ultimate Doomsday Machine is complete,Copy !req
1295. your husband and his
band of traitorous ne'er-do-wellsCopy !req
1296. will soon be ripping their own dicks off.Copy !req
1297. Why would they do that?
- Do what?Copy !req
1298. Rip their own dicks off?Copy !req
1299. Because! That's why!Copy !req
1300. Is he a cookie or is he a puss?Copy !req
1301. You know what? I don't care.
He's my new best friend, that's who he is.Copy !req
1302. Yes, my king, there is so much
this bountiful new land has to offer.Copy !req
1303. Yes. And which corner
of my new kingdomCopy !req
1304. will you choose to rule, I wonder?Copy !req
1305. Oh!Copy !req
1306. Why don't you take a Dakota?
Hell, take both.Copy !req
1307. Why don't I take the whole thing?Copy !req
1308. But why?Copy !req
1309. Because, you double-stuffed buffoon,
why would I want to eat a slice…Copy !req
1310. Oh, my God!Copy !req
1311. …when I can eat the whole a-pizza pie?Copy !req
1312. Finally, freedom has a birthday. Tomorrow.Copy !req
1313. So, go home.Copy !req
1314. Go home to your friends,Copy !req
1315. to your families, to your loved ones.Copy !req
1316. And then, ready your arsenals.Copy !req
1317. Bring not the weapons
you would use to topple men,Copy !req
1318. but the weapons
that you would use to topple armies.Copy !req
1319. The weapons
you would use to topple nations.Copy !req
1320. For tomorrow, our revolution diesCopy !req
1321. and America is born.Copy !req
1322. Guide me, old friend.Copy !req
1323. Show me the way.Copy !req
1324. George, I wish I had
a million friends like you!Copy !req
1325. …a million friends…Copy !req
1326. Abe, you forward-thinking son of bitch!Copy !req
1327. But we're still
gonna need a lot of firepower.Copy !req
1328. Well, hey, welcome to Y'all Mart.
How can I help you?Copy !req
1329. Oh, hey, how's it goin'? I need guns.Copy !req
1330. Well, bless your heart.Copy !req
1331. And did you have
any particular type in mind?Copy !req
1332. Um, whatever the firearm equivalent
of a massive overreaction would be.Copy !req
1333. Like, for every bullet fired at me,Copy !req
1334. I'd want to be able
to fire several hundred in return.Copy !req
1335. Oh, I see.
And what do you plan on using them for?Copy !req
1336. - Hunting?
- Perfect!Copy !req
1337. I can definitely help you with that.Copy !req
1338. Now, we do have a waiting period.Copy !req
1339. And it's over.
Let's get you heavily armed, big fella.Copy !req
1340. Fantastic!
Say, aren't you Mr. Kinko's boy?Copy !req
1341. Yes, sir. Frederick Xavier Kinko.
Nice to meet ya.Copy !req
1342. Well, Fred X. Kinko, that's convenient.Copy !req
1343. I'm also looking for a photocopier.Copy !req
1344. The best in the colonies.Copy !req
1345. Were you able to sleep?Copy !req
1346. - Yeah.
- Slept like a log.Copy !req
1347. Neither was I. No matter,
we'll all sleep soon enough…Copy !req
1348. in the beds of vanquished kings.Copy !req
1349. Wow, that was beautiful phrasing.
You're gettin' pretty good at this.Copy !req
1350. You like that? Really? Check this out.Copy !req
1351. Teamwork, it makes the dream work.Copy !req
1352. Whoa! He's right. It does.Copy !req
1353. Okay, that, right there,
that's leadership.Copy !req
1354. Thanks, guys. Look, man,
I gotta say, I'm feeling pretty confident.Copy !req
1355. Maybe things
are going to work out after all.Copy !req
1356. - Holy shit.
- Fuck me.Copy !req
1357. All right. I'm not gonna sugarcoat this.Copy !req
1358. Three against ten thousand?
That's pretty bad odds.Copy !req
1359. - For us.
- Well, we have the high ground.Copy !req
1360. You have more than the high ground.Copy !req
1361. Geronimo! Blacksmith!
We thought you deserted.Copy !req
1362. Thought about it, like, really hard,
then started going in the other direction.Copy !req
1363. Even booked an Air T&P
on the opposite side of town.Copy !req
1364. But despite my better judgment,Copy !req
1365. I ate the deposit and decided to come.Copy !req
1366. Because this is my landCopy !req
1367. and I don't need
anybody's permission to defend it.Copy !req
1368. And Mr. Smith,
you'll join the fight as well?Copy !req
1369. I figured, if we're gonna end up
with an old white dude in charge,Copy !req
1370. we could do a hell of
a lot worse than you, George Washington.Copy !req
1371. You're one of the good-ish ones.Copy !req
1372. All that silver… for one bullet.Copy !req
1373. Yeah, so you better make it count.Copy !req
1374. We will, and we'll do it in style.Copy !req
1375. Yeah.Copy !req
1376. I commissioned Betsy Ross
and Tim Gunn to make these last night.Copy !req
1377. Tim Gunn? Sounds like a badass.Copy !req
1378. My dream, as silly as it seems now,
was that after our victory today,Copy !req
1379. this design
would become a national symbol.Copy !req
1380. The first ever American flag.Copy !req
1381. - A symbol of our indomitable spirit.
- Of our thirst for knowledge!Copy !req
1382. Of our tireless quest to kick ass!Copy !req
1383. And, and! I'm just spitballing here,Copy !req
1384. but maybe this style of blouse
will become the uniformCopy !req
1385. of the first ever
American national pastime.Copy !req
1386. It'll be like cricket,
but with actual rules.Copy !req
1387. And you won't even
have to be athletic to participate.Copy !req
1388. - Or have two arms.
- And women can play, too.Copy !req
1389. You know, don't…
Let's not get sidetracked.Copy !req
1390. Hark, the national bird!Copy !req
1391. You took everything else.Copy !req
1392. You know what we need now?
A national song.Copy !req
1393. I believe you mean…Copy !req
1394. a national anthem.Copy !req
1395. This is so beautiful, George!Copy !req
1396. I know, it rocks, right?
I wrote it last night.Copy !req
1397. I'm gonna request that songCopy !req
1398. at every party
from now until the end of time.Copy !req
1399. No. No, not the song.Copy !req
1400. The Americans!Copy !req
1401. They came. It worked!Copy !req
1402. What worked, G-Dub?Copy !req
1403. I found an old note from Abe last night.Copy !req
1404. And he said he wished
he had a million friends like me.Copy !req
1405. And that's when I realized,
I can have a million friends.Copy !req
1406. Oh! Why settle for 20 bros
when you could have a million,Copy !req
1407. no matter how different they look.Copy !req
1408. Exactly! Sam, that's the American way!Copy !req
1409. Hey, guys. Did ya hear?Copy !req
1410. I'm not racist anymore! I'm doin' it!Copy !req
1411. Super.Copy !req
1412. George, how did you do this?Copy !req
1413. How did you reach
this many people overnight?Copy !req
1414. I remembered something
one of my friends told me about flyers.Copy !req
1415. They're a great way to communicate
with a widespread audience.Copy !req
1416. I spent all night distributing these
all over this great land,Copy !req
1417. from sea to shining sea.Copy !req
1418. That's thousands of miles!
How did you—Copy !req
1419. Oh, I had a little help
from the fastest racist in the colonies!Copy !req
1420. Whoa!Copy !req
1421. What have they done to you?
Does that hurt?Copy !req
1422. The British are coming…
to get their asses kicked!Copy !req
1423. Heh. Well, I am just glad
that we got the band back together.Copy !req
1424. All right, everybody, come on!
Grab an AR-15.Copy !req
1425. These little death machines here
are gonna even the odds for us.Copy !req
1426. But once the war is over though,
okay, I definitely need them back.Copy !req
1427. Yeah, man. No problem.Copy !req
1428. Yeah, they're just way too dangerous
for civilians to keep. Am I right?Copy !req
1429. That is completely reasonable.Copy !req
1430. What in God's name are we waiting for?Copy !req
1431. Why are we not attacking?Copy !req
1432. Beggin' your pardon, me lord,Copy !req
1433. the Americans was just changing their kits
into the stars and stripes, see?Copy !req
1434. Then they sang a song for a bit, yeah.Copy !req
1435. Now it looks like they're settlin'
some personal differences.Copy !req
1436. Shan't be long.Copy !req
1437. We don't have to wait
for them to get dressed.Copy !req
1438. Attack, you idiots!Copy !req
1439. Copy that, Command.
Commencing bombardment.Copy !req
1440. Now, let's go start a fucking revolution!Copy !req
1441. Kick it!Copy !req
1442. Tread on them!
Tread the fuck all over them!Copy !req
1443. Oh, no.Copy !req
1444. Me-ronimo!Copy !req
1445. Edison, give me that juice!Copy !req
1446. For America! Charge!Copy !req
1447. Artillery.
Open fire on the front.Copy !req
1448. But, my lord,
we'll hit our own men.Copy !req
1449. Fuck's sake. I'm evil!Copy !req
1450. We're the bad guys! Jesus, pay attention!Copy !req
1451. Now, open fire or I'll eat your bones!Copy !req
1452. Commander.Copy !req
1453. Roger, roger.
All cannon, open fire. Danger close.Copy !req
1454. We've gotta do something
about those cannons!Copy !req
1455. Wait a minute. Is that Martha?Copy !req
1456. Oh, my God! Edison, on me!Copy !req
1457. Paul, take out those walkers
or we're sunk!Copy !req
1458. - Affirmative. Commencing attack run.
- Edison, give me a lift.Copy !req
1459. I'm on it! Science, don't fail me now.Copy !req
1460. Edison, fly straight!
My thrusters took some damage!Copy !req
1461. Just get me to that elephant!Copy !req
1462. Ello, guv'ner!
Oh, Martha! Thank God!Copy !req
1463. I'm just so happy that you're… safe?Copy !req
1464. Stay on target.Copy !req
1465. Stay on target.Copy !req
1466. Well, Manchester,
if you want something done right…Copy !req
1467. Get some! Get some! Get some!Copy !req
1468. - What the… What are you?Copy !req
1469. Oi! Handball! That's a foul, ya wanker!Copy !req
1470. Maybe that's true in Britain.Copy !req
1471. But this is America, asshole!Copy !req
1472. Touchdown!Copy !req
1473. What is the deal
with these chaps?Copy !req
1474. It's like they have no quit in them.Copy !req
1475. No matter,
I guess I'll just skip to the end, then.Copy !req
1476. Game over, old friend.Copy !req
1477. We're surrounded.
Why aren't they advancing?Copy !req
1478. Because that's not part
of the plan, ya dumb twat!Copy !req
1479. Oh, fuck!Copy !req
1480. Holy! What is that thing?Copy !req
1481. It's a weather control device.
Look at the tea bags.Copy !req
1482. It's designed to seed the clouds…
with tea!Copy !req
1483. Teabagging them? Literally? But why?Copy !req
1484. To make them rain tea.Copy !req
1485. Every man, woman and child
beneath these spacious skiesCopy !req
1486. will be turned British instantly.Copy !req
1487. The revolution will not only be over,Copy !req
1488. it will effectively
have never even occurred.Copy !req
1489. Aw, fuck! These are those global stakes
you were talking about, aren't they?Copy !req
1490. Yep. If he successfully British-izes
every colonist in the New World,Copy !req
1491. he won't stop there.
He'll British-ize the entire world.Copy !req
1492. Okay. You know what? Fuck it.Copy !req
1493. - It was fun while it lasted, boys.
- Keep it.Copy !req
1494. This is your last moment as a colonist.
You may as well enjoy it.Copy !req
1495. Besides, it's sorta perfect.Copy !req
1496. I mean, beer's the exact opposite of tea.Copy !req
1497. So, one last "fuck you"
to the Brits. Am I right?Copy !req
1498. The exact opposite. That's it!
Sam, hold this keg steady.Copy !req
1499. - But it's full of beer!
- It better be.Copy !req
1500. - Blacksmith, hammer this valve into place.
- On it!Copy !req
1501. Geronimo, keep track
of where that thing is headed.Copy !req
1502. That won't be too hard.Copy !req
1503. And, Paul, I'm gonna need a lot of juice!Copy !req
1504. - Yo, Edison! What is that shit?
- It is science.Copy !req
1505. The science that's going to win this war.Copy !req
1506. Last time you tried "science,"Copy !req
1507. you set off a bomb that almost killed us.Copy !req
1508. How can you be so sure
that this will work?Copy !req
1509. Well, I'm not sure, Sammy,
but I have a hypothesis.Copy !req
1510. So, let's go test that hypothesis
and draw some fucking conclusions!Copy !req
1511. This is for science!Copy !req
1512. No! No! Not like this!
Not like this, Martha!Copy !req
1513. - Drink it, George! Drink it in.
- No! I won't do it! Ah!Copy !req
1514. Fine, resist. And I'll gain full custody
of our son the moment he is born.Copy !req
1515. And you'll be helpless to stop it.Copy !req
1516. You'll have failed as a leader,
as a husband and as a father,Copy !req
1517. just like your father before you.Copy !req
1518. Hey, hey, it's okay.Copy !req
1519. Even though you totally blew itCopy !req
1520. and let everyone on the team down,
you tried your best, witch.Copy !req
1521. I'm not a witch, Sam. I am a scientist.Copy !req
1522. And no, I did not.Copy !req
1523. The beam. It wasn't meant to blow
the Teabagger out of the sky.Copy !req
1524. - Nope.
- Horse sound.Copy !req
1525. What did you do, human lady friend?Copy !req
1526. I reversed the polarity of the tea.Copy !req
1527. So, if it ain't tea no more,
what the fuck is it?Copy !req
1528. The exact opposite of tea.Copy !req
1529. It's beer! Beer won the war!Copy !req
1530. What? No, beer didn't win… No, science!Copy !req
1531. Bro!Copy !req
1532. I'd just like to say something,
you know, as the leader of the group.Copy !req
1533. Thirty minutes ago,
I dreamed of a bigger fraternity.Copy !req
1534. And now, I look around and I have it.Copy !req
1535. That's the power
of positive thinking, guys.Copy !req
1536. - Believe in yourselves!
- Are you kidding me?Copy !req
1537. Mmm, delicious, isn't it?Copy !req
1538. Ah!Copy !req
1539. Oh! George? What happened?Copy !req
1540. Science, Martha. Science happened.Copy !req
1541. Oh, my God! I could have… I almost…Copy !req
1542. No, don't you worry about that.Copy !req
1543. You're back now
and we've just got one thing left to do.Copy !req
1544. - Have awesome sex!
- Final boss battle. What?Copy !req
1545. Uh, yep. Yep. Final boss battle.Copy !req
1546. - Bro!
- No!Copy !req
1547. Bros. Bros everywhere!Copy !req
1548. It reeks of Ye Olde Axe body spray!Copy !req
1549. Excuse me, sir.Copy !req
1550. Do you have a moment
to talk about freedom?Copy !req
1551. Aren't you surprised to see me
leading the British and not King James?Copy !req
1552. What? No. You obviously
pulled a Benedict Arnold.Copy !req
1553. A what?Copy !req
1554. A Benedict Arnold.
You're a thing now, bro.Copy !req
1555. Whenever you get fucked over
by a trusted friend,Copy !req
1556. it's called getting Benedict Arnolded.
Right, everybody?Copy !req
1557. Yeah.
- It's totally a thing.Copy !req
1558. No. You… You can't just do that.Copy !req
1559. Oh, yeah, we can.
Because we all voted on it.Copy !req
1560. And that's called…Copy !req
1561. Fucking Democracy!Copy !req
1562. We're doin' it!Copy !req
1563. Oh, Georgie.Copy !req
1564. You think you've won.Copy !req
1565. Mega Wolf!Copy !req
1566. Geronimo, now!Copy !req
1567. Launch winch-chain.Copy !req
1568. Sammy, take the shot!Copy !req
1569. Here comes the boom, bitch.Copy !req
1570. Guys, I don't know
how much more he can take!Copy !req
1571. - Where's the stupid bullet?
- We're looking!Copy !req
1572. Any last regrets, old chum?Copy !req
1573. Yeah, I only regret that I have
but one life to give for my country.Copy !req
1574. Yes. Well, I suppose
the one will have to do.Copy !req
1575. Oh, shit! It's right here.
Guys! I found it!Copy !req
1576. What are you smiling about, you idiot?
You can't possibly kill me.Copy !req
1577. I'm not trying to kill you, Ben.Copy !req
1578. They are. With America's favorite pastime.Copy !req
1579. No!Copy !req
1580. Tax this, motherfucker!Copy !req
1581. It's going way back to right field.Copy !req
1582. The bullet is still going!
High up in there!Copy !req
1583. - Bugger!
- He did it!Copy !req
1584. John Henry Smith did it!Copy !req
1585. Welcome to America!Copy !req
1586. I wanna make a monument
for Abe, too.Copy !req
1587. But of course, Mr. President.
Same as yours?Copy !req
1588. No, I.M. Pei.Copy !req
1589. His should be a statue of him
sitting there, staring at my monument.Copy !req
1590. Who are you, Demi Moore?Copy !req
1591. Why you gotta screw
a ghost like that, George?Copy !req
1592. Abe! Ah, bro!
God, it's good to see you again, man.Copy !req
1593. Well, you're gonna feel like a real turd
after you see what I brought you. Hah!Copy !req
1594. The Declaration! You saved it!Copy !req
1595. I did.Copy !req
1596. A little of Mr. Scotch's invisible tape
and it's as good as new.Copy !req
1597. It's beautiful, Abe.Copy !req
1598. It is, but you're the real
national treasure here, George.Copy !req
1599. I'm proud of you, bud.Copy !req
1600. And no, there's no treasure map
drawn on the back of it.Copy !req
1601. - Oh, man.
- George, what are you doin', bro?Copy !req
1602. - They're lookin' for you out there.
- Oh, Sam!Copy !req
1603. I'm glad you're here.
I have something for you.Copy !req
1604. - What is it?
- A gift for my son's godfather.Copy !req
1605. - Who, me?
- Yep.Copy !req
1606. I need someone
I can trust with my son's life.Copy !req
1607. And I always thought it would be Abe.Copy !req
1608. But with him as a gho… a goner,
I need to find someone else.Copy !req
1609. George, I'm honored!Copy !req
1610. Hey, is that my hat? Oh, it is.Copy !req
1611. But… Ugh. I don't know
how to be a caretaker.Copy !req
1612. I don't have those instincts.Copy !req
1613. No, don't think of it
as being the caretaker.Copy !req
1614. Think of it as being family.Copy !req
1615. Like the fun, drunk,Copy !req
1616. now definitely no-longer-racist uncle
that America has always needed.Copy !req
1617. Uncle Sam. I like It.Copy !req
1618. Uncle fucking Sam!Copy !req
1619. Come on, Uncle Sam, our countrymen await.Copy !req
1620. Hey, Denzel.Copy !req
1621. My fellow Americans,Copy !req
1622. on this day, July 4th, 1776,Copy !req
1623. we are all finally free!Copy !req
1624. What about your slaves?Copy !req
1625. Oh! Um…Copy !req
1626. - I said, what about your slaves?
Well, see—Copy !req
1627. And what about women?Copy !req
1628. Will we be granted equality
in your America?Copy !req
1629. - Yes, but—
- Sure, right after the Indians.Copy !req
1630. Wait a second. I was under the impression
we were getting our land back.Copy !req
1631. Good point. Um…Copy !req
1632. Oh, hey, can I keep this here machine gun?Copy !req
1633. Like, if a Mexican
tries to take my property or something?Copy !req
1634. What? You just took this land
from the Indians—Copy !req
1635. He was coming for you. I saw it!Copy !req
1636. - He just shot him! In the back!
- He was making a move, man. I swear it!Copy !req
1637. We're gonna have a fair
and unbiased judicial process, right?Copy !req
1638. - Everyone, just calm down!
- Fuck you!Copy !req
1639. No, fuck you!Copy !req
1640. Hey, I just wanna marry my boyfriend.Copy !req
1641. Sinner!Copy !req
1642. There's gonna be
comprehensive health care, right?Copy !req
1643. Seriously, dude.
What about your slaves?Copy !req
1644. Oh, God.
We're gonna fuck this up, aren't we?Copy !req
1645. Dagnabbit! I think we missed it, E's.Copy !req