1. Hello?Copy !req
2. No. You got the wrong number.Copy !req
3. Yeah, but ain't no Thelma here, man.Copy !req
4. Jesus!Copy !req
5. I'm comin'!Copy !req
6. What? Man, there ain't no Thelma here!Copy !req
7. God.Copy !req
8. What?Copy !req
9. Ain't no fuckin' Thelma here, man!Copy !req
10. Look, the bitch don't live here! Fuck you too!Copy !req
11. Shit! Fuck!Copy !req
12. Hello. I'm Dr Warren G. Easterbrook...Copy !req
13. Chairman of the President's
Commission on Education...Copy !req
14. and I would like to talk to you
about an ever-growing problem...Copy !req
15. The short attention span of today's youth.Copy !req
16. Weaned as they are on television,
young people today...Copy !req
17. can't seem to pay attention
for more than a few mo...Copy !req
18. Pethouse Video presents an in-depth...Copy !req
19. up close and personal look...Copy !req
20. at Pethouse Plaything Taryn Steele.Copy !req
21. Oh, so many neat things
have happened to me in my life...Copy !req
22. Being named homecoming queen,
making the cheerleading squad.Copy !req
23. But the neatest thing ever was
when I was recently chosen...Copy !req
24. the Pethouse Plaything of the Month.Copy !req
25. But being a Plaything hasn't changed me.Copy !req
26. I'm still the same Taryn.Copy !req
27. When I was first chosen,
I was, like, really immature.Copy !req
28. But I've grown so much since then.Copy !req
29. I can hardly believe it's me.Copy !req
30. I'm a beach person and a night person.Copy !req
31. I really feel sorry for anyone
who doesn't live in California...Copy !req
32. 'cause we've got it all... the mountains, the sun.Copy !req
33. And, like, there's no humidity.Copy !req
34. It really blows me away.Copy !req
35. Here, out of the public eye,
I can just fade into the crowd.Copy !req
36. In New York, I get hassled all the time.
I don't understand it.Copy !req
37. Laguna offers me peace and solitude...Copy !req
38. away from the pressure of being a Plaything.Copy !req
39. Here in Laguna, I can just let my mind go blank.Copy !req
40. Art is my life.Copy !req
41. I love to browse Laguna's art galleries...Copy !req
42. and my dream is to one day...Copy !req
43. have some of my things hanging here.Copy !req
44. But my real strength comes from my family...Copy !req
45. and my strong religious upbringing.Copy !req
46. I'll always be grateful to my mom and
dad and the values they've given me...Copy !req
47. which help me take on
the awesome responsibilities...Copy !req
48. of Plaything of the Month.Copy !req
49. Selma, look at this reception.Copy !req
50. Beaver, did you bring home
a note from your teacher today?Copy !req
51. Oh, no, Dad. That's one of your jokes
I haven't heard before.Copy !req
52. - Record warm temperatures tomorrow.
- Unbelievable!Copy !req
53. Best investment I ever made.Copy !req
54. You haven't been out of this house in two weeks.Copy !req
55. Lows will warm up just a bit.Copy !req
56. What the hell has happened to my remote?Copy !req
57. Sunny skies for the remainder of the day.Copy !req
58. Murray?Copy !req
59. Embedded in those clouds.
And here in the southern...Copy !req
60. Excuse me, sir. We're on the air.Copy !req
61. Selma! Get me out of here!Copy !req
62. I must've pressed the wrong button.Copy !req
63. Murray, what are you doing on the weather?Copy !req
64. I don't know. Press something. Bring me back!Copy !req
65. Here!Copy !req
66. Swung on,
and it's a high fly ball to centre field.Copy !req
67. Wait a minute! There's a fan on the field!Copy !req
68. Make me wanna stay If this is it.Copy !req
69. Doo wah. - Now I'm trapped in a
rock video! Anything but this!Copy !req
70. If this ain't love you better let me go.Copy !req
71. - If this is it.
- Doo wahCopy !req
72. Selma! Help me!Copy !req
73. - If this ain't love, baby.
- Wait. Wait.Copy !req
74. - Selma!
- I'm looking for the booklet.Copy !req
75. Oh, no. I'm in black and white.Copy !req
76. Where am I?Copy !req
77. Selma!Copy !req
78. Help!Copy !req
79. Selma! Selma!Copy !req
80. This is what you get
for throwing out the directions.Copy !req
81. Help! Help me!Copy !req
82. Here you can leave me for the night.Copy !req
83. You should be so lucky.Copy !req
84. Yech!Copy !req
85. Where am I?Copy !req
86. You're on the Disney Channel.Copy !req
87. At least I know you won't catch anything there.Copy !req
88. - Fun is fun, Selma, but I want to come home.
- I'm trying.Copy !req
89. 500 million people are watching via satellite...Copy !req
90. as the president and first lady deplane
for this historic Moscow visit.Copy !req
91. They look fit and rested. Wait a minute.Copy !req
92. An unidentified man
has emerged from Air Force One.Copy !req
93. He seems, believe it or not,
to be clad only in his underwear.Copy !req
94. - The Secret Service have grabbed him.
- Where am I? I'm innocent!Copy !req
95. - But who is he and how did he get on board?
- I was only watching television!Copy !req
96. - He appears to be deranged.
- Help! Selma!Copy !req
97. I'm so proud of you, Brenda...Copy !req
98. getting through the delivery
without any anaesthetic.Copy !req
99. Well, I had the best Lamaze coach in the world.Copy !req
100. When do we get to see the baby?
It's been eight hours.Copy !req
101. Well, you remember the film
they showed us in class.Copy !req
102. There's all kinds of tests
they have to perform on a newborn child.Copy !req
103. - So...
- That's true.Copy !req
104. Ah! There's my favourite couple.Copy !req
105. - Mr and Mrs Flanders.
- That's Landers.Copy !req
106. Right, right. Flanders
is uraemic poisoning on 39.Copy !req
107. - So.
- Um...Copy !req
108. Nice stitch work, if I say so myself.Copy !req
109. Doctor, we'd like to see our son.
The nurses keep giving us the runaround.Copy !req
110. I'd like nothing better
than to bring you both your son...Copy !req
111. but have you looked around this hospital?Copy !req
112. There are sick people here.Copy !req
113. I just saw this old guy in the hallway
with these gnarly scabs all over his body.Copy !req
114. Gross me out!Copy !req
115. - I'm not about to expose your little Jeffrey...
- Nicholas.Copy !req
116. To that.Copy !req
117. - I've got a solemn oath to uphold here.
- Doctor...Copy !req
118. Brenda and I are both Lamaze graduates...Copy !req
119. and we've never heard of quarantining
a healthy infant before.Copy !req
120. Ooh, Lamaze.Copy !req
121. Well, I forgot that you spent
three whole weekends sitting on a floor...Copy !req
122. learning how to breathe.Copy !req
123. I had to get by on a degree
from Harvard Medical School!Copy !req
124. Please, it's important to us to see our child.
You've heard of bonding.Copy !req
125. - Uh...
- Doctor.Copy !req
126. We'd like to spend a little quality time
with our son, please.Copy !req
127. A little quality time with your son?
That would be beautiful.Copy !req
128. You people.Copy !req
129. - What's with that guy?
- Mrs Fernandez, front desk.Copy !req
130. He's supposed to be the top man in his field.Copy !req
131. Well, when he brings in little Jeffrey,
we're going...Copy !req
132. - Nicholas!
- Here we go.Copy !req
133. - Here's the little tyke.
- Oh!Copy !req
134. - Okay, that's enough germs.
- Wait! Wait a minute.Copy !req
135. - We haven't even seen him yet.
- Go ahead, breathe all over him. I don't care.Copy !req
136. What is this, some kind of sick practical joke?Copy !req
137. What are you talking about? He's got your eyes.Copy !req
138. Take that hideous thing away.Copy !req
139. Come on. They all look like this at first.Copy !req
140. You see, when the baby passes through
the birth canal, its head gets a little pointy.Copy !req
141. He should round out in a couple days. Promise.Copy !req
142. That's not a baby. That's a Mr Potato Head.Copy !req
143. Harry, call the hospital administrator.Copy !req
144. Hey! You're right. This is a Mr Potato Head.Copy !req
145. Gosh, they're so lifelike.Copy !req
146. Anybody could've made this mistake.Copy !req
147. I'll be right back with the real Nicholas.Copy !req
148. - Harry, what are they doing to us?
- Calm down, Brenda. Calm down.Copy !req
149. We don't want you to get post-partum anxiety.Copy !req
150. Now, as soon as we get our son,
I'm going to report this quack.Copy !req
151. Thank God you took that
assertiveness training course.Copy !req
152. Yeah.Copy !req
153. Here's the little tyke.Copy !req
154. You've been a naughty little baby. Yes, you have.Copy !req
155. - Playing peekaboo with Mommy and Daddy.
- About time. Nick, it's your dad.Copy !req
156. He's got a strong, determined jaw
just like his old man there.Copy !req
157. Whoops.Copy !req
158. - Great. Now you made him cry.
- I don't believe this.Copy !req
159. Is this okay? Would you rather breastfeed him?Copy !req
160. - Get away from me!
- I'm gonna kill you!Copy !req
161. What kind of hospital is this?Copy !req
162. All right, Mr and Mrs Lamaze!Copy !req
163. You see, due to a slight clerical error,
your son has been temporarily misplaced.Copy !req
164. - You lost our son?
- Did I say lost? I said misplaced!Copy !req
165. I'm suing you for... for malpractice,
negligence... you name it!Copy !req
166. Just jump all over me! What about
the nine kids I didn't lose this week?Copy !req
167. My baby! What have they done with my baby?Copy !req
168. It was your fault. If you hadn't distracted me
with that video equipment in the delivery room...Copy !req
169. I might not have misplaced your little brat!Copy !req
170. - Doctor. We found him.
- See?Copy !req
171. - He was down the hall in the laundry hamper.
- Oh!Copy !req
172. Oh, he's beautiful.Copy !req
173. I hope you're both ashamed of yourselves.Copy !req
174. All this hysteria when he was safe
and sound not 20 feet from this room.Copy !req
175. Doctor, you're due in surgery
for that kidney transplant.Copy !req
176. Where's the donor organ?Copy !req
177. The donor organ?Copy !req
178. God, I had it with me
when I left the house this morning.Copy !req
179. Good morning and welcome to Movies Till Sunrise.Copy !req
180. Our feature presentation
is the 1954 science fiction classic...Copy !req
181. Amazon Women on the Moon...Copy !req
182. starring Laird Granger and Greta Van Zandt...Copy !req
183. complete and uncut, with no
commercial interruptions.Copy !req
184. This used to be me.Copy !req
185. Old before my years, ignored by women...Copy !req
186. passed over for promotions.Copy !req
187. But now all that has changed.Copy !req
188. Hi. I'm Sy Swerdlow...Copy !req
189. and I invented the patented process
known as "hair looming."Copy !req
190. If you suffer from premature hair loss,
let our team of technicians...Copy !req
191. visit you in the privacy of your home...Copy !req
192. so there will be no embarrassment.Copy !req
193. You choose from our selection...Copy !req
194. of over 200 colours and styles.Copy !req
195. Then your head will be carpeted...Copy !req
196. with 100% pure acrylic fibre,Copy !req
197. completely natural-looking.Copy !req
198. You can sleep in it.Copy !req
199. You can shower in it.Copy !req
200. It changed my life...Copy !req
201. and it'll change yours.Copy !req
202. Call toll free...Copy !req
203. 1-800-GET-HAIR.Copy !req
204. Well, men, I've been studying
this map of the lunar surface...Copy !req
205. and I've chosen the dark side
as our landing site.Copy !req
206. - So, don't forget your space beams.
- Roger, Steve.Copy !req
207. Just think, Loony, in less than an hour,
we're gonna be on the moon.Copy !req
208. The first thing I'm gonna do
is carve me off a hunk of that green cheese.Copy !req
209. Now, Butch, you know one of
the purposes of this mission...Copy !req
210. is to dispel some of those myths.Copy !req
211. Steve, I've got the president
on the electro-scan.Copy !req
212. Whillikers!Copy !req
213. Come in, men of Moon Rocket One.Copy !req
214. This is the president of the United States
calling from planet Earth.Copy !req
215. We read you, Mr President.Copy !req
216. This is Steve Nelson, commander, Moon Rocket One.Copy !req
217. Commander Nelson,
this is a proud day for all Americans...Copy !req
218. and this year of 1980
will be remembered as the year...Copy !req
219. an American first set foot on the moon.Copy !req
220. The governors of all 48 states join me...Copy !req
221. in wishing Godspeed to you...Copy !req
222. and your hand-picked team of scientists.Copy !req
223. That's us, Loony.Copy !req
224. Thank you, Mr President.
We're proud to serve our country.Copy !req
225. Over and out.Copy !req
226. Blackie, neutralize the electro-scan.Copy !req
227. Electro-scan neutralized, sir.Copy !req
228. There she is, dead ahead!Copy !req
229. It's awesome, isn't it?Copy !req
230. I've got big plans for that piece of real estate.Copy !req
231. I'm going to sell advertising space on that.Copy !req
232. Just picture this...
The world's biggest billboard.Copy !req
233. We'll make a bundle.Copy !req
234. Hold your horses, Blackie.Copy !req
235. This voyage is for the betterment of mankind.Copy !req
236. Let's not any of us forget that.Copy !req
237. Sure, chief.Copy !req
238. There goes my lunch.Copy !req
239. It's right up there with my stomach.Copy !req
240. Prepare for moon landing.Copy !req
241. - Initiate rotation system.
- Rotation initiated.Copy !req
242. Reverse retros.Copy !req
243. Retros reversed.Copy !req
244. Steve, we're losing pressure in the atom chamber.Copy !req
245. If it drops any more, we're goners.Copy !req
246. Quick, Blackie, switch to the emergency...Copy !req
247. Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree.Copy !req
248. It's been three long years.Copy !req
249. Do ya still want me.Copy !req
250. If I don't see a ribbon round the old oak treeCopy !req
251. I'll stay on the bus forget about us.Copy !req
252. Put the blame on me.Copy !req
253. Did you know that every seven minutes...Copy !req
254. a black person is born
in this country without soul?Copy !req
255. Hello, I'm B.B. King.Copy !req
256. Won't you help Don Simmons
and the thousands of others...Copy !req
257. that suffer from this tragic disorder?Copy !req
258. Its cruel symptoms can strike anyone.
Let's take a look.Copy !req
259. I think the Republican Party has done
one heck of a job. Don't you, June?Copy !req
260. I'll say, Ward. We Republicans
have turned this country around.Copy !req
261. Safety and good mileage are the two things...Copy !req
262. I looked for in a new car.Copy !req
263. That's why I bought a Volvo station wagon.Copy !req
264. Hi. I'm president of the David Hartman
Fan Club here in Glendale.Copy !req
265. I've even met David Hartman once.
What a neat guy.Copy !req
266. Chim-chimeny, chim-chimeny chim-chim cheree.Copy !req
267. A sweep is as lucky as lucky can be.Copy !req
268. Chim-chimeny, chim-chimeny chim-chim cheroo.Copy !req
269. Good luck will rub off
when I shake hands with you.Copy !req
270. This is B.B. King saying won't you please give...Copy !req
271. so that Don Simmons here and so many others...Copy !req
272. can become useful members of society.Copy !req
273. Or blow me a kiss and that's lucky too.Copy !req
274. Write to...Copy !req
275. Thank you.Copy !req
276. Be right there.Copy !req
277. - Karen?
- Hi.Copy !req
278. - Hi. I'm Jerry Stone.
- Hi, Jerry. Nice meeting you.Copy !req
279. - I'm sorry. I'm running a little bit late.
- Don't worry about it.Copy !req
280. - You look nice.
- Thank you.Copy !req
281. - This is a great apartment.
- Thanks.Copy !req
282. Uh, I hope you like sushi.Copy !req
283. I made reservations at Tokyo Rose on Columbus.Copy !req
284. Great. I hear it's terrific.Copy !req
285. Normally there's a waiting list,
but I know the maitre d;Copy !req
286. You know, I gotta tell you...Copy !req
287. I never go on blind dates, but, uh...Copy !req
288. I just have a feeling that this might be special.Copy !req
289. Jerry? Before we leave,
do me one small favour, will you?Copy !req
290. Sure. What?Copy !req
291. Would you mind showing me a credit card
and a valid driver's licence?Copy !req
292. - You're kidding. Why?
- I'd like to run a "couple compatibility" check.Copy !req
293. What the heck is that?Copy !req
294. You know, Jerry,
it's tough being a single girl in the big city.Copy !req
295. You meet all kinds of phoneys and creeps.Copy !req
296. That's why this machine comes in handy.Copy !req
297. I just enter your I.D., and the central
computer will tell me about your background.Copy !req
298. I don't want a bank loan.
I just want to take you out.Copy !req
299. I know, but I'd feel better running a check.
Two I.D.'s, please.Copy !req
300. You're serious.Copy !req
301. It'll just take a minute.Copy !req
302. This is ridiculous, but, uh...Copy !req
303. - Here's, uh...
- Three-one-six.Copy !req
304. - That's a cute picture.
- MasterCard.Copy !req
305. I don't know how I ever got along
without one of these.Copy !req
306. Changed my life.Copy !req
307. Feel the same way about my VCR.Copy !req
308. Ooh. Right now I'm taping
Sophie's Choice with Meryl Streep.Copy !req
309. - I love Meryl Streep.
- Oh, I am so into her.Copy !req
310. Here it comes now.Copy !req
311. - All that about me? Geez.
- They are very thorough.Copy !req
312. - This is great!
- What? What?Copy !req
313. - Oh.
- What do you got there?Copy !req
314. - Uh-oh.
- Uh-oh? What's... What's uh-oh?Copy !req
315. Jerry...Copy !req
316. does the name Debbie Rothenberg
mean anything to you?Copy !req
317. Uh... Debbie Rothenberg. Uh...Copy !req
318. Oh, yeah.
I think I went out with her once or twice.Copy !req
319. You had sex with her on the second date,
and then you never called her again.Copy !req
320. - I hate when guys do that.
- It says all that?Copy !req
321. Does the phrase "You're not only beautiful..."Copy !req
322. but you're someone I feel I can open up to"
mean anything to you?Copy !req
323. I'm not surprised.
You've used that line on your last 16 dates.Copy !req
324. Look, this is ridiculous.Copy !req
325. Debbie... Uh, Karen, I think...Copy !req
326. that we have something very special here.Copy !req
327. - You're not like the other women you...
- "You meet in the city."Copy !req
328. See what I mean?Copy !req
329. And, Jerry...Copy !req
330. I could never get serious
about someone who's selfish in bed.Copy !req
331. - "Who's selfish in bed"?
- Well, how would you describe a man...Copy !req
332. who satisfies his own needs
and rolls over and goes to sleep?Copy !req
333. - I never did that in my life!
- Eleven times!Copy !req
334. - You want names and dates?
- No. No, I do not! Look, hey, hold it.Copy !req
335. Anyway, that is just a small fraction
of the hundreds of times...Copy !req
336. I've been intimate with women.Copy !req
337. We're exaggerating a little, aren't we, Jerry?Copy !req
338. The record only shows 21 sexual intimacies.Copy !req
339. - There you are.
- This doesn't jibe with my figures. Okay, sweetie?Copy !req
340. Jerry, the statistics don't paint
the picture of a mature man.Copy !req
341. Twelve times, you ignored your date at a party...Copy !req
342. to flirt with a more attractive woman.Copy !req
343. 169 times, you feigned interest when
a woman was talking about her career.Copy !req
344. On 17 occasions, you lied to women...Copy !req
345. telling them you were really into sushi
and Meryl Streep movies.Copy !req
346. Make that 18 times.Copy !req
347. Wh-Wh-Where do they get these figures?Copy !req
348. As you can see, Jerry...Copy !req
349. it would be pointless for you and I to go out.Copy !req
350. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
351. Well, I'm gonna get one of those machines
and see how well you come off!Copy !req
352. - Okay?
- Goodnight, Jerry.Copy !req
353. It's early yet.
Maybe you can still get lucky in a bar.Copy !req
354. Like you did last Thursday.Copy !req
355. Hello, Beverly?Copy !req
356. - Yeah?
- Hi.Copy !req
357. This is Jerry Stone.
We met the other night at Dave's party.Copy !req
358. - Oh. Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
359. Listen, I know it's last minute...Copy !req
360. but I wanna ask you, are you free tonight?Copy !req
361. Uh, yeah.Copy !req
362. You are. Great.Copy !req
363. Listen, I can pick you up in 10 minutes.Copy !req
364. Sure, okay.Copy !req
365. - Oh, Jerry, um...
- Yeah?Copy !req
366. Could you bring a major credit card
and a valid driver's licence?Copy !req
367. Jerry?Copy !req
368. Extraterrestrials. Strange phenomena.Copy !req
369. Missing persons. Lost continents.Copy !req
370. Myths and monsters.Copy !req
371. We examine these mysteries to determine...Copy !req
372. are they bullshit or not?Copy !req
373. London's West End.Copy !req
374. Here, in the winter of 1888...Copy !req
375. a series of bizarre
and violent murders occurred...Copy !req
376. which remain unsolved to this very day.Copy !req
377. Jack the Ripper.Copy !req
378. Was he a prosperous London surgeon?Copy !req
379. Perhaps a member of British royalty.Copy !req
380. Well, our Bullshit team has unearthed...Copy !req
381. spectacular new evidence which suggests...Copy !req
382. that Jack the Ripper was, in fact...Copy !req
383. the Loch Ness monster.Copy !req
384. Is it possible that Nessie...Copy !req
385. murdered five streetwalkers
before returning to Loch Ness?Copy !req
386. Using undiscovered evidence...Copy !req
387. we've pieced together the events
leading up to the first murder.Copy !req
388. Although this is a Bullshit re-enactment...Copy !req
389. it may have happened just this way.Copy !req
390. Hello, dearie. Show you a good time for a quid.Copy !req
391. Throw the wife in for free. Oh, gents.Copy !req
392. Don't you want a girl to keep you warm tonight?Copy !req
393. Me mum told me there would be nights like this.Copy !req
394. Oh, my!Copy !req
395. You are a big one, now, aren't you?Copy !req
396. Come on, darlin'.Copy !req
397. Mind you, don't you be steppin' on my feet now.Copy !req
398. Ooh!Copy !req
399. Aren't you in an hurry! Now, will you be careful.Copy !req
400. Not so rough, da... Wait a min...Copy !req
401. Is this the way it happened?Copy !req
402. Was Jack the Ripper, in fact,
a 60-foot sea serpent from Scotland?Copy !req
403. Did I take this job for a quick buck?Copy !req
404. We may never know the answers
to these questions.Copy !req
405. Come on.Copy !req
406. To recap the three movies
that we reviewed this week...Copy !req
407. here on Critics Corner...Copy !req
408. Marc and I both gave a big thumbs up...Copy !req
409. - to the new Swedish film directed by, uh...
- Olaf Svensen.Copy !req
410. Olaf Svensen, called
The Winter of My Despondency.Copy !req
411. - Haunting abstract symbolism.
- It's arty crap.Copy !req
412. Jonathan and I did split, however...Copy !req
413. on the newest teenage romp called Frat Slobs.Copy !req
414. Jonathan, I think, thought it to be...Copy !req
415. a light, frothy souffle...Copy !req
416. - sizzling with youthful energy.
- That I did.Copy !req
417. On the other hand, I thought it was pond scum.Copy !req
418. You're an albino. What the hell do you know?Copy !req
419. We have a new feature
we'd like to introduce on Critics Corner...Copy !req
420. we hope you'll enjoy.
We call it "Real Life Reviews"...Copy !req
421. in which we critique the life
of an average person just like you.Copy !req
422. Jonathan will begin with a review
of the life of Harvey Putnik.Copy !req
423. - No. Pitnik.
- Pitnik, of Skokie, Indiana.Copy !req
424. - Illinois.
- Illinois.Copy !req
425. - Harvey Pitnik of Skokie, Illinois.
- Bernice. Bernice, come here.Copy !req
426. They're talking about me on the television.Copy !req
427. - What?
- Come here.Copy !req
428. Harvey Pitnik would seem
to have all the ingredients...Copy !req
429. - for a successful life.
- You'd think so.Copy !req
430. - So why does he fail so miserably?
- I don't know.Copy !req
431. I think the problem is with Harvey himself.Copy !req
432. - What the hell is this?
- You're right. It is Harvey.Copy !req
433. Very good, Jonathan. It is Harvey.Copy !req
434. So, we're supposed to care
about this Harvey Pitnik?Copy !req
435. Why? I mean, it takes him 30 years
to develop any character at all...Copy !req
436. and by the time he does, who cares?Copy !req
437. - They're crucifying me.
- It's hardly worth the wait.Copy !req
438. - He didn't like Gandhi either.
- Let me show you.Copy !req
439. Here's a scene from last year
as Harvey is coming home from work.Copy !req
440. Oh. Hi, Scraps.Copy !req
441. - Hi, Dad.
- Hi, kids.Copy !req
442. - How did they do this?
- Hi, honey.Copy !req
443. Hi, dear. Ooh. Potatoes.Copy !req
444. I didn't cons...
I didn't consent for this to be on TV.Copy !req
445. - Dinner'll be ready in five minutes.
- Okay.Copy !req
446. - Some exciting home life, huh?
- And it goes on like that...Copy !req
447. tediously, day in and day out.Copy !req
448. - Where's the love?
- Where's the passion?Copy !req
449. Where's the examination of one's own existence?Copy !req
450. This is a poor excuse for a life.Copy !req
451. I give Harvey Pitnik a... a big thumbs down.Copy !req
452. - Thumbs down?
- I give him a thumbs down too.Copy !req
453. But I didn't hate Harvey
quite as much as you, Jonathan.Copy !req
454. Oh, granted, his life was
a miserable waste of time...Copy !req
455. but I rather enjoyed the Kafkaesque touches.Copy !req
456. Here's a loser trapped in a dead-end job...Copy !req
457. and a... a loveless marriage.Copy !req
458. How do they know that? - Couldn't they
have done anything to make this man human?Copy !req
459. Think of the money it took
to bring him into the world.Copy !req
460. A ton! - To feed him and to
clothe him and then to educate him.Copy !req
461. And after all that, what have you got?Copy !req
462. - You've got a big bore!
- A dull clod!Copy !req
463. An empty suit. And another thing...Copy !req
464. I was always one step ahead of this guy's life.Copy !req
465. - There just were no surprises!
- No. Wait a minute.Copy !req
466. What about the ending of his life?
That came as a surprise.Copy !req
467. - Ending?
- I saw that coming a mile away!Copy !req
468. - I didn't.
- What ending?Copy !req
469. - The high blood pressure. The lack of exercise.
- True. Uh-huh.Copy !req
470. - The bad diet.
- Of course.Copy !req
471. By the time he finally has his heart attack
in front of the TV, big deal!Copy !req
472. - Heart attack? Heart attack?
- It's such a mundane way to go.Copy !req
473. What are they talking about?
A heart attack? I didn't have a...Copy !req
474. Wouldn't it have been more dramatic if,
say, he'd fallen down an elevator shaft?Copy !req
475. - He should've died years earlier.
- Maybe in a submarine accident.Copy !req
476. - Harvey? Oh, my God!
- Possibly a giant squid.Copy !req
477. - Something to add a little science fiction to it.
- I'm calling an ambulance.Copy !req
478. - I'm calling an ambulance!
- A tragic waste, but who cares?Copy !req
479. Oh, I see our time is up.
We want to thank you very much...Copy !req
480. for joining us on Critics Corner.Copy !req
481. Hope you'll be back next week when we'll
have an aisle seat reserved just for you.Copy !req
482. Bye-bye.Copy !req
483. There's so many things he could've done.
He could've had a better haircut.Copy !req
484. We now return to the 1957 film...Copy !req
485. Amazon Women on the Moon...Copy !req
486. starring Bill Thomas and Buzzy Clark.Copy !req
487. There will be no further interruptions.Copy !req
488. Well, here we are on the moon.Copy !req
489. This place gives me the willies.Copy !req
490. Think we'll run into any moon men?Copy !req
491. Not intelligent life as you and I know it, Butch.Copy !req
492. If there are any Martians,
I'll bet they speak the universal language...Copy !req
493. Do-re-mi!Copy !req
494. You remember the space oath
you took at the academy, Blackie?Copy !req
495. "I will not exploit other worlds
for personal gain."Copy !req
496. Look at that.Copy !req
497. Follow me, men. Keep your eyes open.Copy !req
498. Selma!Copy !req
499. Hey, dig that crazy full moon.Copy !req
500. That's a full Earth, Butch.
Remember where we are.Copy !req
501. Zowie!Copy !req
502. This is only a hunch, but...Copy !req
503. Steve! What are you doing?
You're committing suicide!Copy !req
504. Just as I thought.Copy !req
505. The moon has an atmosphere similar to Earth's.Copy !req
506. Take off your helmets, boys.Copy !req
507. Good old H2O.Copy !req
508. Steve, fill me in. How'd you figure it out?Copy !req
509. Seems like Loony figured it out first.Copy !req
510. That's my Loony, a regular Einstein.Copy !req
511. Look!Copy !req
512. Are your parties dull and boring?Copy !req
513. Well, why not liven them up...Copy !req
514. with the snack food that's sweeping America.Copy !req
515. Mmm! Say, Mike, this is some great pate.
It has such a unique flavour.Copy !req
516. It's more than just
an ordinary pate, Bill. Watch.Copy !req
517. Whoa!Copy !req
518. What the... You know,
I never saw an appetizer do that before.Copy !req
519. Well, you never tried Silly Pate before!Copy !req
520. Not only is it fun at parties,
it's low in saturated fats.Copy !req
521. And look.Copy !req
522. It picks up your favourite comic strip!Copy !req
523. I'm eating Doonesbury.Copy !req
524. And I'm eating Beetle Bailey.Copy !req
525. You'll never have a dull, lifeless party again...Copy !req
526. with Silly Pate.Copy !req
527. Available in all fine gourmet
shops and toy stores everywhere.Copy !req
528. It's time, Mrs Pitnik.Copy !req
529. Do I have to?Copy !req
530. Yeah. We need the room again at 4.00.Copy !req
531. Come on.Copy !req
532. I-Is Har-Harvey here?Copy !req
533. - Yeah. He's in repose. He looks great.
- Oh!Copy !req
534. Okay, let's move along. That's right.Copy !req
535. Just relax, Mrs Pitnik. You're young.
You'll... You'll meet someone.Copy !req
536. Send the kids to camp. That's what I would do.Copy !req
537. Okay, family up front, on the left.Copy !req
538. Well, I guess that's it.Copy !req
539. Everything's taken care of. Everything.Copy !req
540. And the buffet? To die.Copy !req
541. Hey, Scooter. Cute stuff.Copy !req
542. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a wake.Copy !req
543. So let's have fun with it, huh?
Everybody, have a great time.Copy !req
544. Welcome to the O'Leary Funeral Home...Copy !req
545. where many of the nation's top comedians have
gathered to roast our guest of honour...Copy !req
546. the late Harvey Pitnik!Copy !req
547. Please welcome... Rip Taylor!Copy !req
548. Slappy White!Copy !req
549. Jackie Vernon!Copy !req
550. Henny Youngman!Copy !req
551. Charlie Callas!Copy !req
552. And our roast master... Mr Steve Allen!Copy !req
553. And here he is, our man of the hour...Copy !req
554. Mr Harvey Pitnik!Copy !req
555. There's Harvey!Copy !req
556. Thank you, ladies and mourners.Copy !req
557. That's all right, Harvey. Don't get up.Copy !req
558. Anyway, be that as it may...
And I doubt if it was...Copy !req
559. Tonight we are here to pay tribute
to a close, personal friend...Copy !req
560. Harvey Pupik... I'm sorry.
Uh, Pitnik. Harvey Pitnik.Copy !req
561. Harvey was a man, my friends,
who was the same in life...Copy !req
562. as he is in death... a stiff!Copy !req
563. But all seriousness aside,
we are going to lay two things to rest...Copy !req
564. Harvey Pitnik and the rumour
that Charlie Callas is funny.Copy !req
565. Ladies and gentlemen, a very
funny man, Charlie Callas.Copy !req
566. Thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
567. Thank you. Harvey, keep it down!Copy !req
568. Today, ladies and gentlemen, we're here to
pay homage to the late Harvey Potemkin...Copy !req
569. Peshtabil... Poshbulv... whatever.Copy !req
570. - Who cares? Does it matter now?
- No, no.Copy !req
571. And if Harvey were alive today,
he'd be a very sick man.Copy !req
572. We had... I'm sorry to make this announcement.
We had two disappointments tonight...Copy !req
573. Milton Berle could not make it
and Rip Taylor could.Copy !req
574. - Ladies and gentlemen, Rip Taylor.
- All right.Copy !req
575. Thank you so much. Thank you so much.Copy !req
576. Thank you. Thank you so much, Steve.Copy !req
577. Charlie said, "Harvey, keep it down." Thank you.Copy !req
578. Oh, well, there goes that act.Copy !req
579. The president couldn't be here,
Harvey, so he sent a wire.Copy !req
580. Tell 'em. It's a... Never mind.Copy !req
581. What's this, an audience or a funeral?
Now, pay attention, please.Copy !req
582. But I'm a little nervous because
Harvey was a personal friend of mine...Copy !req
583. and there's not a person in this room
that Harvey Pitnik did not touch.Copy !req
584. I must say, he touched me for 40 bucks
and Steve for 20.Copy !req
585. Folks, I don't dance. This is it, you see.Copy !req
586. But I do feel for his widow, Bernice.
That was a romantic marriage.Copy !req
587. She learned everything about sex from a manual.Copy !req
588. Emanuel was their gardener.Copy !req
589. I'm sorry. I better wrap it up now, folks.Copy !req
590. 'Cause you know the old axiom
in show business... "get off quick."Copy !req
591. Like Harvey on his wedding night.Copy !req
592. Could you die? I gotta go.
Goodbye. Thank you so much.Copy !req
593. Thank you, folks. I'm thrilled
to be here tonight to pay tribute...Copy !req
594. to the late Harvey Pitnik.Copy !req
595. But enough about Harvey.Copy !req
596. Take my wife. Please.Copy !req
597. Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.Copy !req
598. Why do Jewish guys die before their wives?
They want to.Copy !req
599. And that's what I think of you, Harvey.Copy !req
600. Thank you, Henny Youngman, for that trip
down memory lane. And now...Copy !req
601. But seriously. Henny, you were
never funnier... and it's a shame.Copy !req
602. But I was asked to say
a couple of words about Harvey.Copy !req
603. How about "ugly" and "cheap"?Copy !req
604. Harvey wrote his will on his cock...Copy !req
605. and his lawyer said it would
not stand up in court.Copy !req
606. - Okay, Mrs Pitnik. You're on.
- What?Copy !req
607. - You're on.
- Oh, no. Oh, no. I really can't...Copy !req
608. You're the widow. You've got to give Harvey's
rebuttal. - No, no, I can't go up there.Copy !req
609. I can't do this. - But in conclusion,
I'd like to say, congratulations, Harvey.Copy !req
610. Rigor mortis is the closest
you ever come to a hard-on in 15 years.Copy !req
611. I thank you.Copy !req
612. Harvey himself is gonna throw in his two cents...Copy !req
613. as soon as we take 'em off his eyelids.Copy !req
614. I don't get it. I don't get it.Copy !req
615. And now, for the rebuttal on behalf of our
guest of honour, his lovely widow, Bernice.Copy !req
616. And nothing's changed, Harvey.
She's still gonna be doing all the talking.Copy !req
617. Bernice Pitnik!Copy !req
618. Lovely woman.Copy !req
619. Thank you, Merv... I mean, Steve.Copy !req
620. That's quite all right.Copy !req
621. Now, well, I would like
to inject a serious note...Copy !req
622. as, uh, Henny Youngman did earlier.Copy !req
623. I want to say to...Copy !req
624. Harvey, my late husband...Copy !req
625. as I look down at you...Copy !req
626. lying there motionless...Copy !req
627. I can only think of one thing...Copy !req
628. Our wedding night.Copy !req
629. I'll never forget my...Copy !req
630. My last moments with... Harvey...Copy !req
631. as I... as I took him into my arms...Copy !req
632. and I whispered those three little words:Copy !req
633. "Sign the will."Copy !req
634. - Great.
- But seriously...Copy !req
635. I'm glad to see Slappy White here today.Copy !req
636. Now at least I know my hubcaps are safe.Copy !req
637. And Rip Taylor, is that a toupee...Copy !req
638. or did a beaver curl up and die on your head?Copy !req
639. As I look at Henny Youngman today, I'm
not so sure we're burying the right guy.Copy !req
640. At last...Copy !req
641. the greatest album of love songs ever recorded.Copy !req
642. You'll want to share them with someone special.Copy !req
643. Why do birds suddenly appear.Copy !req
644. Sung by the man who turned a personal
affliction into a recording career...Copy !req
645. Don "No Soul" Simmons.Copy !req
646. Just like me.Copy !req
647. They long to be.Copy !req
648. Close to you.Copy !req
649. Why do stars.Copy !req
650. Fall down from the sky.Copy !req
651. Every time.Copy !req
652. You walk by.Copy !req
653. Just like me.Copy !req
654. They long to be.Copy !req
655. Close to you.Copy !req
656. - She'd been sitting there.
- So curl up by the fireside...Copy !req
657. and listen to the non-threatening music
of this master showman.Copy !req
658. And, honey, I miss you.Copy !req
659. And I'm being good.Copy !req
660. And I'd love to be with you.Copy !req
661. If only I could.Copy !req
662. Say, has anybody seen.Copy !req
663. My sweet Gypsy Rose.Copy !req
664. Here's her picture when she was.Copy !req
665. - My sweet Mary Jo.
- Young lovers of any age...Copy !req
666. will cherish this timeless collection...Copy !req
667. of the world's most romantic ballads.Copy !req
668. And if you act now, you'll get free...Copy !req
669. this bonus album.: Don Simmons Down & Funky.Copy !req
670. Jeremiah was a bullfrog.Copy !req
671. He was a good friend of mineCopy !req
672. I never understood a single word he said.Copy !req
673. This two-record collection
is not available in any stores...Copy !req
674. so order now.Copy !req
675. Yes, he always had some mighty fine wine.Copy !req
676. By thunder! She's a lovely sight, lads!Copy !req
677. And you can bet your miserable lives...Copy !req
678. the cargo hold is filled with precious booty.Copy !req
679. - Let's take her, Cap'n.
- Aye. Are you game, lads?Copy !req
680. Aye!Copy !req
681. Video pirates! Man the guns
and prepare to defend borders.Copy !req
682. Fire!Copy !req
683. Cutlasses, me hearties!Copy !req
684. Give them a bellyful of steel.Copy !req
685. Ah. By gum, Captain! All the latest
home videos. In Beta and VHS!Copy !req
686. Aye! Some so current,
they're still in theatrical release.Copy !req
687. - Help yourself, mates. A chest full of video discs.
- No!Copy !req
688. - What good are they?
- Can't record on 'em.Copy !req
689. They're not compatible with my system.Copy !req
690. Captain! This one's locked.Copy !req
691. Stand back.Copy !req
692. Open 'er up.Copy !req
693. Gather around, me buckoes,
and feast your eyes on this.Copy !req
694. Make all the illegal copies you want.Copy !req
695. - Put it on.
- Aye, aye, Captain.Copy !req
696. Ohhh, I'm so scared.Copy !req
697. - I said I don't want to be disturbed.
- Griffin, it's me, Trent.Copy !req
698. Trent, I've been waiting for you.Copy !req
699. Come in.Copy !req
700. Ah, Griffin. I came as soon
as I received your cable.Copy !req
701. Good God, man, what happened?Copy !req
702. I've done it, Trent. At long last, I've done it.Copy !req
703. I finally duplicated my father's
formula for invisibility...Copy !req
704. after five years of injecting myself
with every chemical known to man.Copy !req
705. But Griffin, the invisibility formula
turned your father into a raving lunatic.Copy !req
706. That's where I've topped the old man.Copy !req
707. I've been on the stuff for over a week now...Copy !req
708. and I'm still perfectly sane.Copy !req
709. Yes. I'll rule the world with my secret.Copy !req
710. Yes. And I'll need you, Trent.Copy !req
711. I must have a visible partner.Copy !req
712. I can tell by your stunned expression
that you're pretty impressed.Copy !req
713. Ah?Copy !req
714. Ooh.Copy !req
715. Look, Ma...Copy !req
716. no hands.Copy !req
717. I haven't come up with a reagent
to make myself visible again.Copy !req
718. But what's the rush? I'm having a ball.Copy !req
719. Watch me closely.Copy !req
720. Whee!Copy !req
721. Ever see a shirt make a phone call?Copy !req
722. Ooh. Pretty scary, huh?Copy !req
723. Ooooh!Copy !req
724. Wait till you see this.Copy !req
725. Uh, no. Griffin...Copy !req
726. you don't have to go all the way.Copy !req
727. Yes.Copy !req
728. Just listen for the sound of my voice...Copy !req
729. and you'll know where I am at all times.Copy !req
730. - Come on. Let's have some laughs!
- Griffin!Copy !req
731. Being invisible is the best!Copy !req
732. Hey! Here comes the invisible man again.Copy !req
733. You, go and get some help. I'll watch him here.Copy !req
734. Whee-ooh! Whee-ooh!Copy !req
735. Oh, my. Now how did that happen?
Must be a ghost in 'ere.Copy !req
736. This is unreal.Copy !req
737. I'm terribly sorry.Copy !req
738. Whee-ooh! Whee-ooh!Copy !req
739. Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho!Copy !req
740. Wow! Whoo-hoo-hoo!Copy !req
741. - Now, now, now. What's all this?
- Here he is, Officer.Copy !req
742. Take it easy with him. He's not really dangerous.Copy !req
743. Come along quietly then, guv.Copy !req
744. You'll have to find me first.Copy !req
745. Come along.Copy !req
746. Let's cover this one up. Come on.Copy !req
747. Wait. I'm invisible. Don't touch me there.Copy !req
748. Selma!Copy !req
749. We now return to our feature...Copy !req
750. starring Greta Van Zandt and Lyle Talbot.Copy !req
751. There will be no further interruptions.Copy !req
752. This looks like the remains
of some ancient culture.Copy !req
753. Steve, I said some things back there
that I shouldn't have.Copy !req
754. Anyway, thanks for saving me from that dinosaur.Copy !req
755. - Forget it.
- Hey, would you get a load of this joint?Copy !req
756. This throne is still warm.Copy !req
757. Where are you going?Copy !req
758. I forgot somethin' back on the ship.Copy !req
759. - What?
- I forgot to stay there.Copy !req
760. We are experiencing
technical difficulties. Please stand by.Copy !req
761. We are experiencing techn...Copy !req
762. I demand that you set us free, Queen Lara.Copy !req
763. We are on an official mission
from the planet Earth.Copy !req
764. Ha! "Planet Earth."Copy !req
765. Is that what you call that pitiful ball
hanging in the sky?Copy !req
766. You wouldn't say that if you saw
Jane Russell or the Brooklyn Dodgers.Copy !req
767. Silence, swine...Copy !req
768. or you will suffer the same fate as your friend.Copy !req
769. I intend to file a protest
in the death of Blackie!Copy !req
770. He dared to enter the sacred temple
and steal the precious moonstones.Copy !req
771. But feeding him to giant spiders
without the benefit of counsel...Copy !req
772. is not the way we do things in America.Copy !req
773. Boy, I never thought I'd be so miserable...Copy !req
774. surrounded by beautiful dames.Copy !req
775. Cut the gags, Butch. We're in enough trouble.Copy !req
776. What's she lookin' at?
She acts like she's never seen a man before.Copy !req
777. She hasn't. Have you, Alpha Beta?Copy !req
778. No, my queen.Copy !req
779. What are men good for?Copy !req
780. Well, I'm pretty good
in the back seat of a Studebaker.Copy !req
781. Butch!Copy !req
782. - Men are useless.
- Back where I come from...Copy !req
783. no woman is complete without a man.Copy !req
784. You see, Commander Nelson...Copy !req
785. 12,000 gamma-spans ago...Copy !req
786. - "Gamma-spans"?
- A moon unit of time...Copy !req
787. roughly equivalent to your Earth year.Copy !req
788. Anyway, all men were banished from
the lunar surface because they couldn't...Copy !req
789. For 131 years...Copy !req
790. this great institution has amassed...Copy !req
791. what many consider to be the finest
collection of art anywhere in the world.Copy !req
792. And now it can all be yours.Copy !req
793. We've lost our lease!Copy !req
794. That's right. Everything must go.Copy !req
795. From the old masters of Europe
to the conceptual artists of today's SoHo.Copy !req
796. We're talking Rembrandts, Botticellis...Copy !req
797. Gauguin, Cezanne, Matisse, Renoir...Copy !req
798. and the chairman of the board...Copy !req
799. Leonardo da Vinci.Copy !req
800. This Egyptian sarcophagus...Copy !req
801. from the dynasty of Ramses II,
appraised at $ 14 million.Copy !req
802. Our price? 19.95.Copy !req
803. Buy now, and we'll toss in, free of charge...Copy !req
804. the original Declaration of Independence.Copy !req
805. Now you might expect to pay
millions for this document...Copy !req
806. that shaped a great nation.Copy !req
807. But it's yours free. This fine parchment
will enhance any den or playroom.Copy !req
808. And you can have some fun with your friends...Copy !req
809. by adding your own name
along with the original signers.Copy !req
810. Remember, the Cosmopolitan Museum of Art.Copy !req
811. Every Van Gogh must go.Copy !req
812. Hello, I'm Henry Silva.Copy !req
813. Ever since the ocean liner Titanic sunk
on her maiden voyage in 1912...Copy !req
814. people have asked, "How did it happen?"Copy !req
815. Join me...Copy !req
816. - as we dramatically recreate...
- NearerCopy !req
817. - the sinking of the great ocean liner Titanic.
- My God, to thee.Copy !req
818. Bullshit or not?Copy !req
819. You be the judge, here on this station.Copy !req
820. From the pen of America's wealthiest author...Copy !req
821. Irving Sidney, the man who gave us...Copy !req
822. the best sellers,
Irving Sidney's The Naked Virgin...Copy !req
823. and Irving Sidney's The Power and the Flesh...Copy !req
824. comes Irving Sidney's sizzling new blockbuster...Copy !req
825. Hey, baby.Copy !req
826. Long time no see, huh?Copy !req
827. - There must be some mistake.
- Come on. Who are ya kiddin'?Copy !req
828. It's me. It's Bert.Copy !req
829. Look, I'm in town with the textile convention...Copy !req
830. and I thought maybe we could, uh,
you know, party!Copy !req
831. - I don't do that any more.
- Oh...Copy !req
832. You better get out of here
before you wake the president.Copy !req
833. When President Harrison Chandler
was married in the White House...Copy !req
834. it was the social event of the decade.Copy !req
835. The courageous president...Copy !req
836. and his beautiful new bride.Copy !req
837. But she possessed a secret
that could shatter her dreams...Copy !req
838. and topple a government.Copy !req
839. I'll meet you in the Lincoln Room
in five minutes.Copy !req
840. She was forced to live a lie...Copy !req
841. when her sins came back to haunt her.Copy !req
842. She was "first lady of the evening."Copy !req
843. Irving Sidney's 1 st Lady of the Evening.Copy !req
844. A Magnet paperback
in easy-to-read type with no big words.Copy !req
845. Birds suddenly appear.Copy !req
846. Every time.Copy !req
847. Look, Violet, what do you say we go
park out by the lake?Copy !req
848. My glands are out of control.Copy !req
849. Well, okay, Georgie, but are you prepared?Copy !req
850. I've been preparing myself for 17 years.Copy !req
851. That's not what I meant.Copy !req
852. - Fall down from the sky.
- Pull over to that drugstore.Copy !req
853. On the day that you were born
the angels got together.Copy !req
854. - And decided to create a dream come true.
- Georgie.Copy !req
855. So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair.Copy !req
856. - And golden starlight.
- Make sure you ask for Titans.Copy !req
857. Those are the best.Copy !req
858. That is why all the boys.Copy !req
859. Hello, George. How are ya?Copy !req
860. Uh, hi, Mr Gower.
I-I didn't think you worked nights.Copy !req
861. My night man took sick. What can I do for you?Copy !req
862. We're having a sale on shaving cre...Copy !req
863. What am I saying? You're not old enough to
shave yet. - I've been shaving since March.Copy !req
864. See? - Hey, I'd better call your
mom right now and thank her...Copy !req
865. for the preserves she brought over to our house...Copy !req
866. Not now! I mean...Copy !req
867. I-I mean, don't bother.Copy !req
868. I'll give her the message for you.Copy !req
869. - I'll bet I know what you want.
- You do?Copy !req
870. Sure. I was young once. Liquorice sticks.Copy !req
871. They came in fresh this morning.Copy !req
872. Mr Gower, I'm 17 years old.Copy !req
873. Already? Seems like only yesterday...Copy !req
874. your mom was in here buying talc...Copy !req
875. to powder your little bottom.Copy !req
876. Heh. Uh...Copy !req
877. look...Copy !req
878. Never mind. Thanks.Copy !req
879. Follow you.Copy !req
880. All around.Copy !req
881. Just like me.Copy !req
882. They long to be.Copy !req
883. Almost forgot what I came in for.Copy !req
884. Tube of toothpaste and a box of...Copy !req
885. Toothpaste and what?Copy !req
886. A box of... Titans.Copy !req
887. You have to speak up, George.Copy !req
888. Titans! I want a box of Titan condoms!Copy !req
889. George!Copy !req
890. And to think you were an altar boy.Copy !req
891. You did say "Titans"?Copy !req
892. Oh, only about four times.Copy !req
893. Thanks, Mr Gower.Copy !req
894. - What's goin' on?
- George?Copy !req
895. Rupert King, president of Titan Condoms.Copy !req
896. Congratulations, young man. You are
our one-billionth customer. Pictures.Copy !req
897. - Thanks, but I really gotta go.
- Not so fast, kid.Copy !req
898. - We've been planning this for months.
- It's really not necessary.Copy !req
899. Tell me, George, how long have you been
using our fine Titan products?Copy !req
900. - Uh, you could say I never use anything else.
- Great quote.Copy !req
901. - Are you getting all of this?
- You're not gonna use my name, are you?Copy !req
902. Modesty, I like it. You could give Titans
that wholesome image we're looking for.Copy !req
903. Do you know what you're doing to me?Copy !req
904. The entire town's gonna know about this.Copy !req
905. You'll be a household name, George,
just like Bip, our Titan mascot!Copy !req
906. - Pictures. Pictures.
- Hi, folks. Hi, George. Hi, everybody.Copy !req
907. Hey, George, will you autograph a box for me?Copy !req
908. Get used to that, George.Copy !req
909. More good news, George.Copy !req
910. Even as we speak, your parents are racing here
to join you in your moment of Titan triumph.Copy !req
911. My parents? Are you nuts?
I'm not even supposed to have the car.Copy !req
912. Make sure you airbrush out
the kid's acne, okay? George...Copy !req
913. as a token of our thanks, we'd like you
to have this lifetime supply of Titans!Copy !req
914. - Thank you, Connie.
- All I wanted was one.Copy !req
915. - Violet!
- George, I can tell...Copy !req
916. you're as excited as we are, as you begin this...Copy !req
917. - your year-long reign as our Titan king!
- Yippee!Copy !req
918. And now the exciting conclusion
of the 1955 feature...Copy !req
919. Amazon Women of the Moon.Copy !req
920. There will be no further
commercial interruptions.Copy !req
921. Bullshit or not?Copy !req
922. Hey, cut the mush, you two.Copy !req
923. - This place is about to blow sky high.
- Yes, look!Copy !req
924. Moogla, the mountain demon, is angry.Copy !req
925. - Yeah, and that ain't just heartburn.
- We haven't got much time.Copy !req
926. Let's go!Copy !req
927. Come on, Loony.Copy !req
928. - There's the rocket. Hurry!
- Come on, Alpha Beta.Copy !req
929. When we get back to Earth,
I'm gonna show you Ebbets Field.Copy !req
930. Oh, Steve, save yourself.Copy !req
931. I wouldn't be able to enjoy Earth without you.Copy !req
932. Fasten seat belts.Copy !req
933. I think we got about 12 seconds
before everything blows. Fire retros.Copy !req
934. She won't turn over!Copy !req
935. Listen to that sweet music.Copy !req
936. There goes the only home I've ever known.Copy !req
937. You got a new home now, Lara, with me on Earth.Copy !req
938. - What are they doing, Butch?
- Well, it's called smoochin', babe.Copy !req
939. Come here. I'll give ya your first lesson.Copy !req
940. Earth to Moon Rocket One.Copy !req
941. Earth to Moon Rocket One.Copy !req
942. This is the president.Copy !req
943. Steve, I hope you have things well in hand.Copy !req
944. I'll say.Copy !req
945. Psst.Copy !req
946. Psst.Copy !req
947. Yeah, you. Come here.Copy !req
948. - Yeah?
- Saturday night.Copy !req
949. - Yeah?
- Ain't got a date.Copy !req
950. - What's your name, kid?
- Ray.Copy !req
951. Ray?Copy !req
952. Mmm.Copy !req
953. You must be Ray.Copy !req
954. I'm Sherrie.Copy !req
955. I heard you were good-looking...Copy !req
956. but I had no idea.Copy !req
957. Come on in.Copy !req
958. As you can see, I made dinner.Copy !req
959. Mmm, but I'm not hungry just yet... for food.Copy !req
960. Do you know what I mean?Copy !req
961. Help me with my zipper, Ray?Copy !req
962. That's so much better.Copy !req
963. God, you're such a hunk, Ray.Copy !req
964. I want you. And I want you now.Copy !req
965. Get over here, Ray.Copy !req
966. I'm waiting, Ray.Copy !req
967. Take me.Copy !req
968. I want you to make wild, violent love to me.Copy !req
969. Oh, yes, Ray.Copy !req
970. Yes.Copy !req
971. Oh, you're so good, Ray.Copy !req
972. Yes. Ray!Copy !req
973. You're the best, Ray. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
974. Ray, give it to me!Copy !req
975. Mmm, that's good, Ray.Copy !req
976. Yeah!Copy !req
977. You're the... best, Ray! Yeah!Copy !req
978. - You dirty slut!
- Frankie, what are you doin' here?Copy !req
979. - I thought you were outta town!
- That's what I wanted you to think!Copy !req
980. - And I expected a little more from you, Ray.
- What, of me?Copy !req
981. - You think I care about a loser like Ray?
- Loser?Copy !req
982. - I did it to hurt you.
- You did it to hurt me?Copy !req
983. Well, your cheatin' days are over, street meat!Copy !req
984. - Frankie, what are you doin' with that gun?
- I'm gonna teach you...Copy !req
985. and this little know-nothing wimp a lesson!Copy !req
986. - That's what I'm doin' with the gun.
- No, Frankie!Copy !req
987. I love you! I've always loved you.Copy !req
988. You think I enjoyed going to bed
with a worm like Ray? - Shut up!Copy !req
989. - Worm?
- You're history, Sherrie.Copy !req
990. No!Copy !req
991. Satisfied, Ray? Hmm?Copy !req
992. Happy now, buddy?Copy !req
993. Well, you're gonna have to live
with that guilt for the rest of your life.Copy !req
994. And you know what else, Ray?Copy !req
995. You're gonna have to live with this too.Copy !req
996. Freeze!Copy !req
997. You have the right to remain silent.Copy !req
998. If you give up the right to remain silent...Copy !req
999. anything you say can and will be used
against you in a court of law.Copy !req
1000. You have the right to speak with an attorney and
have an attorney present at time of questioning.Copy !req
1001. I was at a dance.Copy !req
1002. When she caught my eye.Copy !req
1003. Standing all alone.Copy !req
1004. Looking sad and shy.Copy !req
1005. We began to dance.Copy !req
1006. Swayin' to and fro whoa, whoa.Copy !req
1007. And soon I knew I'd never let her go.Copy !req
1008. Blame it on the bossa nova.Copy !req
1009. With its magic spell.Copy !req
1010. Blame it on the bossa nova.Copy !req
1011. That she did so well.Copy !req
1012. Oh, it all began with just one little dance.Copy !req
1013. But soon it ended up a big romance.Copy !req
1014. Blame it on the bossa nova.Copy !req
1015. The dance of love.Copy !req
1016. Blame it on the bossa nova.Copy !req
1017. With its magic spell.Copy !req
1018. Blame it on the bossa nova.Copy !req
1019. That she did so well.Copy !req
1020. Oh, it all began with just one little dance.Copy !req
1021. But soon it ended up a big romance.Copy !req
1022. Blame it on the bossa nova.Copy !req
1023. The dance of love.Copy !req
1024. Is there anybody out there?Copy !req
1025. Would you please do me a favour?Copy !req
1026. Call Crazy Leo's and tell him the TV set
he sold me has a problem.Copy !req
1027. I'm still under warranty.Copy !req
1028. Hello? Hello?Copy !req
1029. Help me. I'll never see Selma.Copy !req
1030. I'll never get back. I'll never get back.Copy !req
1031. I'm finished. I'm finished. I'll never get back.Copy !req
1032. I'm goin' out of my mind.Copy !req
1033. Mary Brown?Copy !req
1034. - Yes.
- Sit down, Mary Brown.Copy !req
1035. Thank you, Doctor.Copy !req
1036. Mary, I've been going over your tests.Copy !req
1037. How did a nice girl like you...Copy !req
1038. come to contract a social disease?Copy !req
1039. Then my worst fears are confirmed.Copy !req
1040. Oh, the shame of it!Copy !req
1041. Now, now. You are unclean...Copy !req
1042. but there's always hope.Copy !req
1043. Tell me how you went astray.Copy !req
1044. Tell me everything.Copy !req
1045. I won a... beauty contest...Copy !req
1046. here in Iowa.Copy !req
1047. I thought I'd try my luck... in New York.Copy !req
1048. It wasn't like Iowa at all.Copy !req
1049. And then I met a theatrical agent.Copy !req
1050. Gosh, that sure is different
than the sarsaparilla we have back home.Copy !req
1051. Well, we like a little more "sass"
in our "parilla."Copy !req
1052. Now, Mary I didn't get you up here
to dish out a lot o' hooey.Copy !req
1053. Oh, that's all right. I already had lunch.Copy !req
1054. You see, there's a social side
to this business we call "show."Copy !req
1055. - Now, uh, let me see your gams.
- What?Copy !req
1056. I was humiliated, though oddly excited.Copy !req
1057. Well, he told me he could spot fresh talent...Copy !req
1058. and sent me to see a colleague
of his named Dutch Monahan.Copy !req
1059. It turned out to be a wild party.Copy !req
1060. Here. Dunk your whiskers in this, sister.Copy !req
1061. You guys sure like
your sarsaparilla in this town.Copy !req
1062. Get her.Copy !req
1063. Shut your trap, or I'll bite your ears off.Copy !req
1064. Keep your hands off me, ya big palooka.Copy !req
1065. That was my first exposure
to New York intellectuals.Copy !req
1066. Gee whiz. My first sophisticated, New York party.Copy !req
1067. Which one is Cole Porter?Copy !req
1068. When you realized that your body had
been rendered impure...Copy !req
1069. what did you do?Copy !req
1070. I made another foolish blunder.Copy !req
1071. I married my high school sweetheart, Ken.Copy !req
1072. My shameful affliction was exposed at last...Copy !req
1073. when Ken began showing symptoms of the disease.Copy !req
1074. Goodbye, honey. I'm going to work.Copy !req
1075. Goodbye.Copy !req
1076. Ow!Copy !req
1077. - Ken, what's wrong?
- My eyes.Copy !req
1078. Had my sinful ways caught up with me?Copy !req
1079. Had I inflicted Ken with my secret shame?Copy !req
1080. Ken's vision began to affect his work.Copy !req
1081. Mike! Sorry!Copy !req
1082. Ah, today's reckless youth...Copy !req
1083. with your fast roadsters and your rumble seats.Copy !req
1084. I want to show you something,
Mary Brown, for your own good.Copy !req
1085. Take a look at the germs
that have ravaged your system.Copy !req
1086. Come now with me to the clinic.Copy !req
1087. What you are going to see here is not pleasant.Copy !req
1088. I didn't realize we had
such specialized clinics here in Iowa.Copy !req
1089. When science is on the march,
nothing can stand in its way.Copy !req
1090. Who is that pitiful creature?Copy !req
1091. Let's call him...Copy !req
1092. Pete Jones.Copy !req
1093. Pete's first troubles were
with smoking cigarettes and drinking beer.Copy !req
1094. Weren't they, Pete?Copy !req
1095. Get back! We don't have any cigarettes!Copy !req
1096. Sad, isn't it?Copy !req
1097. - I've seen enough, Doctor!
- I know you have.Copy !req
1098. But have you?Copy !req
1099. Resist temptation, or you may end up...Copy !req
1100. like Pete... and Mary...Copy !req
1101. and Ken.Copy !req