Always Be My Maybe (2019)

1. - Hi,

2. Daddy and I working late at the store again.

3. - Make yourself dinner and don't watch TV!

4. decided what you're gonna do for your anniversary?

5. Oh, I don't know, Clarissa.

6. It's been so busy lately.

7. I wouldn't mind a nice, quiet evening at home.

8. Well, it'd be nice to do something special.

9. - What did you have in mind? - I don't know.

10. You want some soup?

11. - My mom said to ask

12. if you wanted some soup. She makes way too much,

13. then I have to bring the leftovers to school in a thermos.

14. Nobody wants to sit next to that kid with the thermos soup.

15. Only the other kids with the thermos soup.

16. And I don't want to sit next to those losers!

17. Just kidding.

18. What if I really did that?

19. I thought you just did that.

20. I thought you just shut the door in my face.

21. - I did, to be funny.

22. I so wouldn't have done that. You're, like, my best friend.

23. Okay, bestie.

24. And by the way, I'd sit next to you if you had thermos soup.

25. I can't believe it.

26. So glad you said that, though. It made the joke way better.

27. Mom! No more thermos soup for me!

28. Look at that. Doesn't that look amazing?

29. It looks super amazing.

30. Kimchi-jjigae is very simple,

31. but that's what makes it so good.

32. It's about using the best ingredients.

33. It smells so good, Mrs. Kim.

34. Sasha, I've told you a million times,

35. - call me Judy.

36. And we Koreans use scissors for everything.

37. Vegetables, noodles...

38. Our children.

39. - All right. You wanna try? - Okay.

40. Look at you. You're a natural.

41. Thanks... Judy.

42. Are you sure you're not Korean?

43. So I'm painting a sparrow in its nest,

44. and I finished painting the nest,

45. and halfway through painting the sparrow,

46. it flies away.

47. That's when I learned...

48. to start with the thing that can fly away.

49. - Can I have some money? - Why?

50. It's Friday night, and I thought it'd be fun if Sasha and I went out.

51. - Bye, Judy! - Bye!

52. Stop!

53. - What a rush!

54. - That was good. - Yeah?

55. - Okay, now I wanna reel it in— - You leave it.

56. - Okay. And then we move it back? - And then you just let it— Let it go.

57. No. No, and then you just, like, put it up there.

58. - The hole? - And then, yeah, then that's it.

59. And then that's it. You're fishing.

60. - This is fishing? - This is fishing.

61. Isn't it fun?

62. You know what I'd like to catch?

63. - What? - A hamburguer.

64. Marcus!

65. Dad! What's wrong?

66. Mr. Kim?

67. - Are you okay? - There's been an accident.

68. I can't find the coffee filters. I don't know where she kept them.

69. Let's go out.

70. You don't know the words, do you?

71. Shh, it's D'Angelo!

72. I don't need to know the words to know that it's emotional, and sensual,

73. and full of melodic feelings, okay?

74. So, it— It's cool seeing you laugh.

75. I— I don't know what I was...

76. - All right. You okay?

77. - Yeah. - Yeah?

78. - Yeah, I'm fine. - All right.

79. - How are you? - Oh, it's— I'm so great.

80. - Oh.

81. Hey, where'd you get that condom?

82. Oh, um...

83. seventh grade.

84. Oh.

85. Who— Who taught you how to put it on?

86. This lady came to our school...

87. taught us, like, sex ed for a day, and...

88. she put it on a banana.

89. Oh.

90. - Did you practice at home with bananas? - No, I didn't need a banana at home.

91. Marcus, your car smells like Parmesan.

92. Oh, yeah, that— That— That's Parmesan.

93. I've got, like, a bunch of Parmesan in the glove compartment.

94. - Wanna get something to eat? - Okay.

95. - Ow! Oh! - Oh! Sorry, I was—

96. - You don't have to do any of that. - No? Yeah, cool, okay.

97. You're being really weird.

98. I'm not being weird. You're being weird.

99. See? What was that sigh?

100. - That was weird. - That's just how I breathe.

101. I'm a hard breather.

102. Yeah, I know that now.

103. Eww!

104. No, that was supposed to be cute. That was supposed to be like,

105. "'Cause we had sex, I know what you sound like."

106. Okay, I— I— I got it. Thank you, Marcus!

107. Look, it was your idea to go all the way, all right?

108. Are you kidding me?

109. You kissed me with tongue.

110. You took off my underwear. You took it to the next step.

111. Because I felt bad you'd have to tell everyone at college that you're a virgin.

112. Well, I was planning to lie about that.

113. I'm not going to college anyway.

114. When did you decide that? Why wouldn't you go to college?

115. I don't have to explain anything to you.

116. Look, Marcus...

117. I— I know that you're hurting because you lost your mom.

118. - You know, I lost her too— - But she wasn't your mom!

119. Was she? She was my mom!

120. Just because you're always at our house, eating our food, watching our TV

121. because your parents don't care enough to ever be around

122. doesn't mean you know shit about how I'm feeling.

123. You are such an asshole.

124. - Shit.

125. Welcome to Burger King.

126. Flame grilling since 1954. Can I interest you in a Whopper?

127. You can get it to go if you wanna eat it in your car and cry.

128. - You're gonna be late. - I'm waiting for Brandon.

129. Well, while you're here, let's talk San Francisco.

130. Guys! Guys!

131. These are supposed to be vegetable dumplings, okay?

132. Not lemongrass testicles.

133. - Let's smooth the wrinkles out. - Yes, Chef.

134. Uh, San Francisco, you're opening a new restaurant in two months,

135. and I need you there by the end of this week, permanently.

136. - That's beautiful, Sharice. - I ordered you guys a great house.

137. Oh, sounds good.

138. Your mom wants to pick you up from the airport.

139. I told her I'd get you a car,

140. - then she yelled and hung up on me. - Oh.

141. Their worst fear in life is for me to have to tip somebody.

142. That's why I learned to cut my own hair.

143. It doesn't show.

144. - All right, I look good? - Yes.

145. - Everything sucked in? - Oh, yes.

146. - Okay. - Water?

147. That came from your thigh gap? No, thank you.

148. Thanks for calling it a gap.

149. Besides, my Spanx are on backwards

150. so the pee flap lines up with the wrong hole.

151. - There's no time to change it. - Oh.

152. - How are you feeling? - Pregnant as hell.

153. And I am so mad at Kate Middleton.

154. I was driving to work this morning thinking about her taking those pictures

155. on the hospital steps like, what, three hours after she had a baby?

156. And she had that royal diaper on. You know she had that diaper on.

157. I don't want you to talk about that stuff

158. - in front of the customers. - Okay, cool.

159. - You asked me a question. What's it again? - Hey.

160. - Hey. - Mm.

161. - Wow, you look great. - Oh...

162. - Ready to do this? - Yes.

163. Guys, enjoy yourselves.

164. I'll just be here looking like a fat Meghan Markle.

165. - We are

166. at the Operation Smile benefit,

167. catching up with celebrity chef Sasha Tran,

168. the genius behind LA's trendsetting restaurant,

169. Knives and Mercy,

170. and her fiancé and mega restaurant developer,

171. Brandon Choi.

172. Now Brandon, you're credited

173. with the global branding and franchising for a lot of A-list culinary stars.

174. Do they ever get jealous that Sasha is receiving special treatment?

175. Well, I hope they're all a little bit jealous,

176. but not jealous enough to stop working with me.

177. - What an amazing couple you two are.

178. So sweet.

179. What a great cause, huh?

180. - Hmm.

181. - I'm gonna play some music. Is that okay? - Hmm.

182. What are you doin'?

183. Smoking weed and dancing in front of a mirror. Wanna join?

184. - No. - Dad, come on.

185. - I challenge you to a battle. - Well, since you put it that way.

186. Oh, okay, stop, stop. You win the battle.

187. Come on.

188. - We gotta go.

189. We're installing a new furnace today down in the Mission.

190. Let me guess:

191. another hipster donut shop opening in an old laundromat?

192. No.

193. Artisan roast beef sandwiches in an old record store.

194. Unbelievable.

195. Hey! Hey, what do you think about this for the flowers for the wedding, huh?

196. I'll do for black flowers what I did for fish sauce ice cream.

197. - Sure. - Good.

198. I just don't wanna be a boring-ass bride, you know?

199. - Let's spice it up. - Can I talk to you about something?

200. Yeah. Sure. What's up? Mm-hmm.

201. I've been thinking about this a lot.

202. And if it's cool with you, I'd like to postpone the wedding.

203. It's not that I don't want to get married. I do.

204. It's just— It's just that this opportunity has come up

205. for me to go to India with José Andrés.

206. The chef from Bazaar?

207. Exactly.

208. He's opening up a new restaurant there, and he knows about my two years

209. in the saffron fields of Kashmir with Alice Waters.

210. So you want me to go to San Francisco alone?

211. That's the beauty of it.

212. We'd both be in new surroundings. We'd be apart...

213. together.

214. Before entering into a lifelong commitment.

215. I just— I just want this to be right. So that when we do get married...

216. he'll be the best husband he can be. So, in that sense,

217. it's really for the both of us.

218. Are you serious? What the hell is happening right now?

219. - He'll just be gone for half a year— - Stop it.

220. - And he flew out this morning to India. - Like, the India? Like, the...

221. - the country? - India.

222. So instead of getting married, he's gonna, like, just Eat Pray Love?

223. And in the meantime, we're gonna see other people.

224. Wait, what?

225. We are gonna see other people.

226. So we're both absolutely sure that we belong together.

227. Think of it like a six-month Bachelorette.

228. You know? San Francisco could not have come at a better time.

229. I'll get away, reset.

230. Go to the aquarium, marvel at that... albino alligator.

231. - It's all good! - Mm-hmm.

232. I'm gonna go do inventory.

233. - Oh, God.

234. I'm sorry. I'm just, um, getting the oyster sauce.

235. Okay. Um...

236. Never give anybody your heart, Enrique.

237. Thank you, Chef.

238. Mr. Kim!

239. Wait...

240. - Veronica! - Yes.

241. - You're back in San Francisco? - Hi.

242. My God! How long's it been?

243. Oh, gosh. I don't think I've seen you since high school graduation.

244. - Veronica?

245. Marcus!

246. Hey!

247. Oh, my goodness! Hi!

248. - All right. - Hi, hi, hi!

249. - I'll bring the rest. Be right back.

250. - Wow, look at you! - Yeah.

251. It's so good to see you.

252. - You, too. - So you lost all your piercings, huh?

253. Oh no, not all of 'em.

254. Uh, well, uh, thank you for hiring us for this job

255. and, uh, congrats on the house and the baby.

256. - Oh, thanks. It's not my house, though. - Hey, V!

257. The bathroom counter is too high.

258. I'm gonna need a stool to—

259. Uh, hey, what's up?

260. Wow. Look who's here? It's...

261. Look who's here, this— This is...

262. And who's in the house. It's you!

263. This is amazing.

264. - Hi, Marcus. - Hi! Yeah, hi, Sasha.

265. Hi. Hello. Hi. What's up?

266. - Long time.

267. Yes. Yes. Very long time, uh, very much so indeed.

268. Uh... But, you know, time passes, and now it's like current, modern...

269. It's like we're here, and this is great. It's...

270. So I...

271. I guess you're the air conditioning guy?

272. Oh? Oh, this? No, no, I just like the ease of a onesie.

273. Oh, okay.

274. You're back in town? I thought you moved to LA.

275. Uh, I— I did. Um...

276. I'm just renting this house. I'm here for two months.

277. We're opening a restaurant.

278. If you're renting, then why are you installing AC—

279. No way! Sasha Tran!

280. Mr. Kim! Oh, my God.

281. - Oh!

282. Look at you!

283. You have not changed one bit. How do you not age?

284. I wash my face with shampoo.

285. I can't believe I'm seeing you. We thought you'd never come back.

286. - You're like our own Asian Oprah. - Oh!

287. How much money do you have now?

288. He's serious.

289. - Oh... - Oh! I just read you're getting married

290. to that guy, your manager. Seems great!

291. Older than I thought, but...

292. good.

293. - How old is he? - He's a very young 50.

294. Uh, he does a lot of Capoeira.

295. He, uh, shops at, uh, um... Under Armour.

296. And, uh, he has...

297. uh, 57,000 followers on Instagram.

298. Okay. Well, me and Marcus,

299. we're gonna get you all set up. Don't worry. Oh!

300. Invest your money in lettuce.

301. Kale can't hold on forever.

302. Hmm.

303. Dude, you so did that on purpose.

304. I thought it was just gonna be Mr. Kim.

305. I had no idea Marcus was gonna be working with him.

306. The company is literally called "Harry and Son."

307. Yeah, "sun," like in the sky.

308. - It's what I thought. - Whatever.

309. Your plan didn't work.

310. Well, I thought this was your six-month Bachelorette.

311. Yeah, with strangers.

312. I'm not trying to Bachelorette with Marcus Kim.

313. There's way too much history there.

314. - Plus, he's so not my type anymore. - Oh, you mean because he's not an asshole?

315. Oh, he's an asshole. He's just a stealth asshole.

316. Like those good-looking guys, those white dudes with a beard

317. that come up to you on the street, all good-looking,

318. ask you how you're doing,

319. and then you realize they're carrying a clipboard,

320. asking to donate money for some endangered flora and fauna.

321. - Misleading you. - All right, I'll take that as a maybe.

322. Look, I gotta go. Denise wants to talk nursery motif.

323. And for some reason, she's so anti-penguin.

324. I mean, this one has a hat on it.

325. It's so cute. I didn't know penguins get cold.

326. I think it's fiction when they wear hats.

327. I always forget whether fiction's the real one or the fake one.

328. - Love you! - I love you, too. Good night.

329. Look at my pool.

330. You know who doesn't have a pool? Marcus.

331. No, the LA restaurant is non-denominational,

332. modern Vietnamese fusion.

333. The San Francisco one is gonna be a step up from that.

334. It's trans-denominational.

335. Yes! Yes!

336. Transgressive, transforming, transcendent. Ah! Brilliant!

337. Excellent thoughts, as always. Thank you, Julian.

338. Mm.

339. Does it get tiring doing that?

340. My work? No. I love it.

341. No, your phone voice.

342. My what?

343. You know, that voice you use on the phone.

344. "Brilliant! Excellent, as always. Ta-ta, Julian!"

345. Okay, first of all,

346. you sound like Count Chocula.

347. - And that's very rude, Marcus.

348. Especially considering I'm the customer paying you money.

349. It's just funny because I know it's not you, that voice.

350. Well, you haven't known me for a very long time.

351. And PS, have you seen yourself in those coveralls?

352. You look like a homeless astronaut.

353. Hey, guys, I'm off to the restaurant,

354. but I picked you up some breakfast burritos.

355. - Mm! - I've already had one. Well, two.

356. - Who's counting? - Excellent.

357. Ta-ta, Veronica!

358. Oh, don't use your phone voice on me, bitch.

359. - So, you just set it...

360. and forget it. Like that commercial for that thing.

361. - What thing? - I can't remember.

362. But if you have any problems, like I said, call us.

363. Thanks, Mr. Kim.

364. Uh...

365. - Thank you, Marcus. - You're welcome, Sasha.

366. - Um...

367. Oh, wait! Did you invite Sasha to your gig tomorrow?

368. - She'd love it. - No.

369. - Gig? - Hello Peril. His band.

370. - You ought to go. They're so good! - Let's not do this, Dad.

371. Hello Peril's still together?

372. - Sixteen years strong. - Wow.

373. - I'll get you a flyer for the show. - No, do not get a—

374. - They're in the van. - Why are you getting—

375. - The whole original band's still together? - No, it's just me and Quasar.

376. Um, but remember Tony Gill?

377. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah. He joined.

378. The only one you don't know is our drummer, Ginger.

379. She's awesome.

380. She grew up in the Bay Area. She had three moms.

381. Oh! Their tampon budget must have been through the roof.

382. Hey, look at that.

383. Um... My— My schedule tomorrow's a little tight, so...

384. - Yeah. - Well, if it changes.

385. I have to say, uh...

386. I'm surprised you two lost touch. You used to be so close.

387. I always thought...

388. maybe you'd end up together.

389. Dad! Jesus!

390. Okay... Um...

391. Yeah.

392. So design-wise, we're very much embracing your philosophy

393. of highlighting the original architecture of the space.

394. Okay. So, right here, I'm thinking big communal table with Gubi chairs.

395. Over here, two-tops with Gubi chairs.

396. Right over here, I'm thinking four-tops with Gubi chairs,

397. and in this little nook right here, I'm thinking a six-top round with—

398. Let me guess: Gubi chairs!

399. I was thinking high-back...

400. but, you know what? You're the boss,

401. so we can absolutely switch them to Gubis.

402. I don't even really know what Gubi chairs look like.

403. You know, they look a bit like chairs.

404. Um... Meaning that they've got—

405. They've got these, like... uh, four kind of like...

406. legs. I don't know why I'm doing that gesture,

407. and that's inappropriate.

408. - I'm so sorry. - Hello?

409. - Um... - Sasha!

410. Hello?

411. - Sasha!

412. - Sasha! - Sasha? Are you in there?

413. - Why are my parents here? - Ooh, I don't know.

414. - Parking meter is expired! - I kept saying "Gubi."

415. Yeah, you did.

416. - I was spiraling. - You got a little sweat on your top lip.

417. - She's gonna fire me, isn't she? - No. She'd make me do it.

418. Oh! Hey!

419. - Hi.

420. - Hi! How are you?

421. - Wow, this is so crazy you guys are here. - Who picked you up from the airport?

422. I got car service.

423. Oh, no.

424. Did you have to pay tip?

425. No, Dad. I jumped out when he slowed down at a stop sign.

426. So, what are you guys doing here?

427. Veronica posted on Facebook that you would be here.

428. - Oh!

429. Is someone— I think someone's calling me about Gubi chairs.

430. We're just happy you're home.

431. Now that we have sold the store, we have so much free time.

432. We are throwing your cousin Barry's son, Liam,

433. a birthday party next week.

434. So, you get to see the new house.

435. I didn't think I would like retirement, but it's good.

436. Yesterday, I hung a bird feeder in a tree.

437. That's great, Dad, but you know, guys, um...

438. I'm gonna be really busy opening the restaurant.

439. I have two months to finalize the layout, design the menu, choose the suppliers.

440. Then I fly to New York and have to do it all over again.

441. What day?

442. I know someone in New York who can pick you up.

443. And you don't have to pay tip.

444. I think you guys are gonna be glad you put me on merch.

445. Our T-shirt table sales have been fire.

446. Stop.

447. So, how many have we sold?

448. Nine.

449. Well, two got sent back, so...

450. seven.

451. - Seven? - And I also got these.

452. Hello Peril. Boop.

453. But tennis balls have nothing to do with our band.

454. Uh, counterpoint:

455. since when has our band made any sense?

456. Okay.

457. Well, maybe we'll have a better chance of...

458. selling these if we start playing...

459. bigger venues.

460. When are we gonna talk about tensions in the band,

461. 'cause I'm mad at two of you right now.

462. Marcus, did you have a chance to call Southie's

463. and ask about us playing Thursday nights?

464. Oh, yeah... um, no.

465. I don't like Southie's.

466. Okay, okay, fair,

467. except they're, like, three times the size of this place.

468. Yeah, but they're on the other side of town.

469. - People don't know us over there. - Yeah, because we've never been there!

470. Marcus, this is just like when you refused to try cold brew

471. because you'd never heard of it.

472. And then it took a year of me convincing you to try it,

473. and then what happened? Huh?

474. - What do you love now? - Cold brew.

475. Cold brew.

476. I'm mad at Tony and myself.

477. Tony annoys me, and I'm mad at myself for that.

478. Thank you so much!

479. The next band is Hello Peril. You don't wanna miss out.

480. - What's up, everybody?

481. Hey, what's up, Bay Area?

482. - Yeah!

483. All right, we are Hello Peril,

484. serving you great music, all day, every day.

485. Hey, speaking of serving...

486. who here likes tennis?

487. All right. Um, well— Well, it's a great sport.

488. - And we've got Hello Peril tennis balls... - Yeah.

489. I think they filmed some of Boys Don't Cry here.

490. Oh, which part?

491. Not a good part.

492. There you go. Yeah. All right, ladies and gentlemen.

493. All right, who's ready to hear some music?

494. - Let's do it.

495. Thank you for coming.

496. Of course.

497. They're still really good.

498. I didn't even know I could squat.

499. - Be careful. - Okay.

500. - So for your baby shower,

501. I think I'm just gonna do, like, a zoo theme.

502. - Zoo? - Yeah, zoo.

503. - That's very safe. There's monkeys— - No.

504. Look, I'm gonna be changing diapers for a very long time.

505. I don't wanna smell shit at my baby shower.

506. - No, I'm not gonna have a zoo— - I want—

507. No way! Sasha and Veronica?

508. - What's up? - Hey.

509. Hey, Tony, looking good.

510. Thanks, girl. Feeling good.

511. Oh shit, that's not mine, is it?

512. - No, honey. It's my fiancée's. Denise. - Cool!

513. Um, actually, I'm a— an LGBTQIA ally.

514. So, thank you, uh, for your service.

515. Uh, so anyway, I— I thought you couldn't make it.

516. Oh, well, my schedule cleared up last minute, so I thought I'd stop by.

517. Sure, of course.

518. - Yeah, it was fun. - You guys are so good.

519. - You're just blowing up, too. - Oh, yes we are.

520. Um, I don't know if you heard,

521. - but we sold seven T-shirts. - Oh!

522. - What are you, like Old Navy? - Yes, yes.

523. I could listen to this story all night, but I can't.

524. I'm gonna go check to make sure

525. - I haven't dropped my placenta. - Oh.

526. - Bye! Thank you for coming.

527. - Bye, V! - Love is love is... love.

528. Gosh, Tony.

529. So, uh, what are you guys up to? You hungry?

530. Oh, yeah. I'm down for some food.

531. I actually have to get up early tomorrow, but thank you for inviting me, Marcus.

532. You killed it, babe!

533. That was your best set yet, babe!

534. Oh, my gosh, you guys. I forgot. I, um... have to, uh... uh, vote.

535. - Babe, that was so hot! - Jenny! Jenny! Jenny.

536. Jenny, this is Sasha. Sasha, Jenny.

537. Oh, my God.

538. Sasha Tran?

539. Oh... Oh, hey.

540. - It's a lot of— Lot of hair...

541. in my mouth, a little bit.

542. It is so nice to finally meet you.

543. - It's nice to meet you, too.

544. Marcus told me you guys are old friends, but I kind of didn't believe him.

545. I am a huge fan.

546. You have to let me cook for you tonight.

547. - Oh, uh, Sasha has to get up early. - Well...

548. not that early.

549. Really?

550. Wow, Jenny.

551. This looks... amazing.

552. Thank you.

553. Is that Vienna sausage?

554. Yeah.

555. Mm! So good!

556. - Hey! - She likes it.

557. Sasha Tran likes my cooking!

558. How did you and Marcus meet?

559. Oh, um...

560. The community youth group that I work with...

561. um, was performing performance art

562. about the illegal trafficking of tropical birds, and...

563. Hello Peril was on the same bill, and I saw him perform,

564. and I just fell in love.

565. Wow, babe, that was almost five months ago.

566. - Can you believe it? - Five months? Wow. Yeah.

567. I was a polyam before Marcus and I got married.

568. Wait... you two are married?

569. No, no, no. No, we're not.

570. Not in your traditional, heteronormative sense.

571. We're married spiritually

572. and sexually.

573. Yeah, but not literally.

574. Uh, anyway, Jenny is, um, amazing.

575. She, uh, works with underserved kids in the community,

576. teaching them drama and music, and, uh, she's taught me a lot

577. about being more conscious of the world around me, you know.

578. That's great.

579. FYI. These are, uh, Paula Deen plates, you know, the...

580. racist butter lady.

581. Oh, I know. That's why I stole them.

582. Oh! Uh...

583. - Oh, another one. - Another one!

584. - Oh!

585. You don't have to give me a ride home.

586. I can call an Uber.

587. I'd be happy to charge you for the ride if it makes you feel better.

588. - Uh, you know it wouldn't.

589. So, uh... Jenny's...

590. quite the character.

591. Yeah, she's, um... very free, you know?

592. How does an Asian person even cultivate dreadlocks on their head?

593. I don't know, but a crocheting tool is involved.

594. Oh. Does the carpet match the drapes?

595. No, it's just a huge bush.

596. - I kind of love it, though, you know?

597. She sleeps bottomless like a sexy Asian Winnie the Pooh.

598. No way.

599. - You still have the Corolla? - In the same condition, too.

600. - Oh!

601. Oh, locks stopped working in 2007.

602. Oh...

603. - Yeah.

604. What are you looking at?

605. - Nothing. - Why were you looking in my back seat?

606. I wasn't. I was just, uh... My chiropractor says I gotta, you know...

607. - turn, rotate my— - Look at the back seat?

608. - Yeah. - Because we had sex back there?

609. - Oh, my God! - That's why you're looking back there.

610. Just calling you out on it.

611. So what do you think? Seeing it after all these years?

612. That it might be even smaller and grosser than I remember.

613. You better still be talking about my back seat.

614. Hey, uh, by the way, it would have been nice, you know,

615. would have been cool to lose my virginity someplace classy like, uh...

616. - on a blanket in a gazebo.

617. Little hotel by the Bay.

618. - A hotel by the Bay? - A hotel by the Bay.

619. Who was I? A lawyer having an affair with a coworker?

620. - I was 18. I had no money. - Well, you could have saved it.

621. You could have stolen it.

622. You stole nuts out of the nut bins every day at Rainbow Grocery.

623. Okay, that's not stealing. That's called "tasting."

624. That's why they got those flaps, so you could try shit.

625. Whatever. The past is the past, right?

626. Please tell Jenny I enjoyed her enthusiasm.

627. Not the sausage, not the...

628. maca powder mixed with the ketchup, but, uh...

629. - ... her energy, her chi,

630. her yin, her yang, all of it.

631. - I will.

632. Well... uh, okay. Uh, bye.

633. - Bye.

634. - Oh, uh...

635. Yeah, I— I have to do that from the outside.

636. Oh! That weapon again. Hm.

637. This window thing came off in my hand.

638. What'd you say?

639. I said, "This window thing came off in my hand."

640. Oh, right. Okay.

641. - Thanks. - All right, bye.

642. - Bye.

643. And we could make the print look like handwritten calligraphy.

644. Oh, good. And print it on rice paper.

645. - White people eat that shit up. - Guilty.

646. Hey, the flatware rep is here.

647. I know, it's a lot.

648. And Netflix just called.

649. They wanna know if you can cater a wrap party this Sunday at the Fairmont.

650. - Is it for The Crown? - No.

651. It's for that new Kevin James show where he plays a young Benjamin Franklin.

652. Um... Okay, screw it. Yeah, sure.

653. - Why not? - All right!

654. Is that Padma Lakshmi?

655. He's Bacheloretting with Padma?

656. Stupid, beautiful, talented Padma Lakshmi.

657. I mean, what did we do before the Internet?

658. Okay, so I'm gonna go ahead and fill out the application for the audition...

659. They wanna know if any of us have been married

660. for the application for the auditions.

661. That's so weird— Hello, Marcus?

662. Are you listening to me or are you messaging someone?

663. - Oh, um... No, I'm listening. What's up? - I called Southie's.

664. They said Thursdays are open, but we've gotta audition.

665. Against 100 other bands.

666. I mean, yeah, at least. It's Southie's.

667. - Isn't that great? - I have a question for you.

668. Shoot.

669. Why did you bail on dinner the other night?

670. What dinner?

671. After the show.

672. Remember? We were all gonna go to dinner, and then...

673. Jenny showed up, and then you bailed.

674. Oh... Yeah, that's... Uh...

675. - You— You know, uh, I had... - Uh...

676. - What? - I know what?

677. - You were gonna say something? - You—

678. - I'm asking you, why did you bail? - Right, and then you said something after.

679. - I didn't. - You were gonna tell me why I bailed.

680. - No. No, I'm asking you why. - Right. Um...

681. You forgot what your lie was, didn't you?

682. - I did. - Yeah.

683. Whatever. Um...

684. Are we done with this meeting? Because I wanna smoke weed now,

685. but I don't wanna disrespect the process.

686. Whoa! Me, too. Light her up.

687. - Suppress the darkness. - Yep.

688. Barry.

689. Hey! So glad you came.

690. - Oh. - Always fun seeing my famous cousin.

691. - No! Thanks for inviting me.

692. Can you believe all this?

693. You know what my parents gave me for my eighth birthday?

694. Flip-flops.

695. Well, they've been amazing godparents to Liam.

696. They're really close.

697. Nice for Liam.

698. But sometimes they do go a little overboard.

699. Like getting a Diana Ross impersonator.

700. What's a Diana Ross impersonator doing at an eight-year-old's birthday party?

701. Your dad said she was much cheaper than Beyoncé.

702. So, when are you gonna find out the gender?

703. I'm doing a non-gender-binary situation, so just give me gray baby clothes.

704. - Hey. - Hey!

705. - Yeah. - You made it.

706. - Thanks for the invite. - Yeah.

707. Yeah.

708. - What's up, V? - You know.

709. - I do. - Yeah.

710. I think your dad's already here.

711. - Lemonade? - Oh... thanks.

712. I'm Harry. Uh, huge Diana Ross fan.

713. Kathy. Huge lemonade fan.

714. I, uh... didn't know what to get him, so I just went with Legos.

715. Oh, what did you bring, Sasha?

716. Kids love chocolate, all right?

717. Matcha green tea dark chocolate with French gray sea salt?

718. Yes. Kids know that shit is delicious.

719. Sorry, I'll be right back.

720. That's cool.

721. What kind of Legos?

722. Red.

723. - Hey! - Hey.

724. I know we said we wouldn't talk.

725. No, it's okay.

726. It's just that yesterday... something hit me.

727. I finally realized...

728. that we need to think bigger in terms of your global branding.

729. Padma was making me breakfast this morning, and she agrees.

730. - Mm-hmm. - Your food can be transcontinental—

731. - Brandon! - Trans-denominational...

732. - Trans— - Brandon!

733. - What? - I don't give a shit, okay?

734. I don't give a shit about your branding thoughts.

735. You never loved me. This was just about business.

736. I cannot believe I wasted my prime reproductive years on you.

737. I hope you have terrible karma

738. and come back in the next life as a nasty little lizard

739. and get stepped on by someone on a hike!

740. You are getting the finger so hard right now.

741. I hope you get malaria

742. and shit yourself to death, you shitty piece of shit!

743. A little softer, please.

744. You are scaring the goats.

745. Oh...

746. We are so done.

747. It was like being in love with a statue. A sexy, handsome, chiseled statue

748. of a Korean Eric from The Little Mermaid.

749. He was just too perfect, you know?

750. Like, I never felt like I could be myself around him.

751. Like, if I had to fart, I'd have to go

752. to a completely different room of the house.

753. And he was so self-centered.

754. He kept on saying how much he loved and supported my career,

755. when really it was just all about how it made him look.

756. All these men keep saying how much they want a strong woman.

757. What they really want is a cheerleader.

758. So, yeah. I'm gonna die all alone in a big house all by myself

759. in complete, utter, and deafening silence. I can feel it, Marcus.

760. There, there.

761. "There, there?" That— That's all you got?

762. Well, I had more at the beginning of your speech,

763. and then I forgot it by the end.

764. - Sorry. It was just so long.

765. Oh, hey. Thank you.

766. I can't believe this place is still in business.

767. What are we even doing here? The food was always so terrible.

768. - Are you insane? - No.

769. I eat here twice a week. Here. Just try this, okay?

770. - Hmm? - Oh.

771. - Yeah? - Why do I remember this place as so bad?

772. Because that's how you remember your entire childhood.

773. You painted the whole thing with a shit brush, but it's not true.

774. You're right.

775. - This is good.

776. This place hasn't changed one bit, either.

777. Those women are still so rude

778. and disappointed that neither of us speak Cantonese.

779. Hmm. Hello!

780. - Hi, Marcus!

781. - Hello! - Marcus!

782. I learned. Better service.

783. Oh, also sometimes free shumai.

784. - Oh!

785. Mm.

786. Mm. Nope, nope.

787. Wow.

788. Every single car has a handicap pass.

789. Chinese people are hella gangster.

790. - Look at that!

791. Coming out of their cars all able-bodied.

792. Hey! Hey, you guys are famous.

793. Oh, yeah! Yeah!

794. We're, uh, crushing it in this neighborhood.

795. Or, like, this block.

796. Like, this half of this block, we're big time.

797. You make fun of it, but your band could really be something.

798. - Eh. - What do you mean, "eh"?

799. You used to talk about going on a world tour.

800. No, I can't. My dad needs me here. I'm his caregiver.

801. His caregiver?

802. Harry seems like he can give care to himself.

803. Yeah, but he's getting older every day, so...

804. But don't you want more? Even just creatively?

805. Well, creatively I am writing a new song called "Tennis Ball,"

806. and I think it's really gonna connect.

807. So you never wanna step outside of this community, like, ever?

808. No.

809. Like, ever, ever?

810. Sasha, I don't. Okay? San Francisco's my home.

811. These people are my family. I'm good.

812. All right.

813. No, that's cool.

814. So, what are you gonna do about Brandon?

815. I guess I have to start dating again. Ugh.

816. Is there anything worse?

817. I don't know. There are all those apps now.

818. I saw one where a guy can't even message a girl until he sends her a gift card.

819. Well...

820. Actually, if you want to know the truth,

821. I was thinking I'd give dating the old college try.

822. But if it doesn't work out, um...

823. maybe I'll just have a baby on my own.

824. Really? You think you're at a place to have a kid on your own?

825. Why not? So it would only have one parent?

826. So what? Not everyone has two parents. I had no parents.

827. Sasha, you had parents.

828. I had me.

829. All right. Don't get mad. Do whatever you want.

830. I don't need your go-ahead, Marcus, but thank you.

831. Hey, I have a big day tomorrow.

832. I— I'm catering a wrap party, so I better get going.

833. Oh, yeah, I got stuff, too, you know. Important vent and duct stuff, so...

834. - All right, well, my car's right there. - Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

835. - Just— - Oh, oh!

836. - Oh.

837. - See you later. - Okay, bye. See ya.

838. Welcome, kuwakaribisha,

839. to Kava Community Center's slam poetry night!

840. - Yes!

841. - Sasha, this is amazing.

842. - Thank you. - I've never had this kind of food

843. - at a wrap party. - Yeah, it's really good.

844. I hear you're responsible for all this.

845. Yes, I am. I, uh—

846. Oh, my God.

847. - And then after the show,

848. Jenny gave every kid a hand-painted ceramic swan.

849. That's so sweet.

850. Why are you grunting?

851. 'Cause I've always had my doubts about Jenny.

852. What? No, you haven't.

853. I have. I just didn't wanna meddle.

854. But now you do.

855. Yeah.

856. Why?

857. You know why.

858. Oh, my God. You got, like, a lot of dead skin on your face.

859. Just say whatever it is you want to say.

860. Because of Sasha.

861. You and Sasha are great together.

862. You always have been.

863. Sasha thinks she knows everything about everything.

864. Plus, she's a celebrity now, and all celebrities are insane.

865. I once saw Glenn Close order a pineapple sandwich.

866. Jenny is a kind and compassionate person.

867. And she cares about the community.

868. And Sasha is Sasha.

869. There's no one else like her, and you know it.

870. You do know it, don't you?

871. That's what I thought.

872. You don't want to wonder, "What if?" Tell her how you feel, son.

873. - Hey. - Hey, how's it going?

874. Great, thanks for meeting me here.

875. - Oh, I'm so glad you texted me. - You are?

876. - Yes! I have some news. - So do I.

877. - Mine's big. - Mine's big, too.

878. Okay, look, um...

879. So I was talking to my dad, and, uh—

880. Okay, I wanna go first! I met someone.

881. - Um, when? - At that wrap party I catered.

882. Marcus, he's amazing.

883. I can't believe a guy like this is actually into me.

884. And I don't normally broadcast this kind of thing, but...

885. we had the most insane, freaky-ass sex.

886. My toes are curled up right now just thinking about it.

887. And look, look! I have a hickey, like a teenager.

888. - What? That looks like it hurt.

889. - Like, a lot. - Oh, my God, and this guy, Marcus,

890. he has, like, the best qualities of Brandon

891. but...

892. even better.

893. Better than Brandon. Wow, that's— That's so great.

894. - Right? - Yeah.

895. So... So, what's your news?

896. - Something about your dad? - It's...

897. Uh, well, it's not, like, news, but I just wanted to see if,

898. you know, you wanted to have dinner

899. - with Jenny and me. That's it. - That's your big news?

900. Well, how about a double date?

901. - Uh, yes. - And you can meet him!

902. - Amazing. - Your mind's gonna be blown.

903. Oh, yeah, it's— Yeah.

904. Okay, that looks like you might need to see a doctor or something.

905. I thought this was a high-end restaurant. Why am I the only one wearing a tux?

906. Oh, sorry, I should have told you. Rich people are done with fancy clothes.

907. Now it's all $1,000 T-shirts that look like they were stolen off the homeless.

908. - Jenny's dressed perfect. - Oh!

909. So where's your man?

910. Oh! There he is!

911. Oh, my God!

912. I think that guy is Keanu Reeves.

913. Hey, boo.

914. - I wanted to surprise you.

915. I took a photo of your faces. Look!

916. You guys look so shocked.

917. You only capture that shit once!

918. - Hi, baby. - Hi, baby.

919. - I've missed you. - I missed you, too.

920. - I've missed you so much. - I missed your mouth.

921. I missed your heart.

922. - Oh, God, I missed your beard. - I missed your light.

923. Oh.

924. - I missed your chin. - I missed your soul.

925. I missed your ass.

926. I missed your spirit.

927. I missed your thumbs.

928. - I missed your eyes. - You're so good with your thumbs.

929. I missed how you smell. Oh, my God.

930. Um, these are, uh, my friends.

931. - Uh, this is Marcus, and this is Jenny. - Hi, Jenny.

932. - Wow. - Wow.

933. Now I know what it feels like to be completely starstruck.

934. The only stars that matter...

935. are the ones you look at when you dream.

936. Thank you.

937. A pleasure to meet you, Marcus.

938. Likewise, Keanu. I— I love your outfit.

939. - Oh, thanks, man. - Yeah.

940. - Tom Ford made it custom for me. - Wow.

941. - I— I didn't know you wore glasses. - Oh, I don't.

942. My eyes are perfect.

943. This is for a part. They don't even have lenses in them.

944. - See? - Wow.

945. Nope.

946. I love the suit. Classic.

947. Thank you, thank you. It's my, uh, old tux from prom.

948. That's great.

949. I dropped out of high school, went to work.

950. Followed my dream.

951. Shall we?

952. - You are stunning. - Oh, my God.

953. - You look good. - What?

954. You look good.

955. Let's feast.

956. - Hey, Charles. - Good to see you again, Mr. Reeves.

957. You, too.

958. Hey...

959. may I ask...

960. do you have any dishes that play with time?

961. The concept of time.

962. Ah!

963. Yes,

964. we have a meat course of venison sous vide.

965. It comes with headphones so you can hear the sound

966. of the exact animal you are about to consume,

967. illustrating nature's life to death cycle.

968. And of course, everything you see on the table tonight is edible.

969. Yas!

970. - Wait, so is this— - No.

971. Not the napkin, sir.

972. Don't eat the napkin, Marcus.

973. Microgreens and lettuces encapsulated

974. and served with dehydrated seaweed and dried fish flakes.

975. Sorry, fish food?

976. - Fish flakes. - Right.

977. Which is fish food.

978. We lightly scale the body of the fish as it swims

979. collecting the particles it sheds into the ocean.

980. Oh, got it.

981. So it's fish dandruff.

982. Clear asparagus soup

983. - extracted with a centrifuge.

984. The all-black monochrome course.

985. The flavor of Caesar salad.

986. Mm!

987. - Mm! Mm!

988. I'm sorry.

989. And to finish, crystallized lavender sugar bubbles,

990. prepared by Wallace.

991. - Wait. How come—

992. Wow! Mm!

993. - Ah! - Ooh, wow!

994. It tastes like a cloud.

995. - So, Henry— - It's Marcus.

996. So, Marcus...

997. I hear you're in a band.

998. Oh! They are so awesome.

999. They could be really huge if they wanted to be.

1000. Have I heard of you guys on the festival circuit?

1001. Uh, no, we're just the block band.

1002. See...

1003. that right there...

1004. is what it's all about.

1005. Laboring in obscurity.

1006. Starving and struggling.

1007. The man who embraces his mediocre nothingness...

1008. shines greater...

1009. than any.

1010. Thank you, Keanu.

1011. - Uh, to Marcus. - To Marcus.

1012. To Marcus, via Keanu's wise words.

1013. Will you excuse me? After a meal, I like to stretch my legs.

1014. - Visit with your friends. - Okay.

1015. - I'm going to get some air. - I love air.

1016. - Let's get some air.

1017. Hey. Hey, don't be weird

1018. about that nothingness thing, huh? It was a compliment.

1019. - That's just how he phrases things. - Mm-hmm.

1020. So, what do you think about him otherwise?

1021. Well, you know, I think he could dial down the theatrics

1022. by, like, 10,000.

1023. Well, he's an actor.

1024. He's a douche.

1025. - Marcus. - What? You asked me what I thought.

1026. Yeah, well, I really like him.

1027. - He's really good—

1028. Shall we continue our evening elsewhere?

1029. Take the party back to my hotel for a nightcap?

1030. Yes, that would be so much fun.

1031. - Um, what about the bill? - I took care of it.

1032. Saying I had to get some air was just a charade.

1033. Oh, um, you didn't even give me a chance to fight you for it.

1034. It's $6,400.

1035. Less than a residual paycheck from my hit movie Speed...

1036. but... a little out of your ballpark.

1037. But it's okay.

1038. Thank you.

1039. - I'm going to get the chariot. - Okay.

1040. I'll get our bags.

1041. Look, okay... I—

1042. I can see how you would misconstrue that...

1043. cupping of the face thing,

1044. but I know him, and it was an honest show of affection.

1045. Yeah, he's great. Everything about him, great.

1046. - What's that supposed to mean? - It means what it means.

1047. If you're implying something negative about Keanu,

1048. have you taken a look at Jenny?

1049. Jenny's a good person. Jenny helps children.

1050. Keanu helps children, too, probably. He's helped a lot of people.

1051. He was the greatest North American box office draw

1052. of the '90s and early 2000s.

1053. - Then I'm wrong. - You are wrong.

1054. You're wrong about a lot of things in life.

1055. Well, I'm not wrong about the fact

1056. that I'm hungry as hell after a $6,400 dinner.

1057. Hey! Can I get a monochrome burrito to go?

1058. Just kidding. Kidding. Very full.

1059. Glad I wore my Spanx. See?

1060. Are you serious?

1061. Uh, hello?

1062. - We're out here! - Marcus.

1063. - Over here! - Hi!

1064. Whoa. This place is lit!

1065. - Welcome. - Come on in.

1066. - Wow.

1067. You guys want to play a game or something?

1068. We can call the front desk and see if they have Cranium.

1069. You know, the stunt coordinator for John Wick

1070. taught me this game he invented.

1071. It's called "Icebreaker." It's like Truth or Dare, but...

1072. a little more...

1073. - apocalyptic. - Ooh!

1074. Sure you don't wanna play charades?

1075. I heard that.

1076. - Cheers. - Cheers!

1077. - Cheers, baby. - Cheers.

1078. - Ow! - Oh.

1079. - Marcus. - Sorry.

1080. My turn.

1081. Ooh, this is a good one.

1082. Who was your childhood crush?

1083. Mine...

1084. was Mother Teresa.

1085. Oh, come on.

1086. Martin Luther King Jr.

1087. - What? - Yes!

1088. Um... My childhood crush was...

1089. Marcus Kim.

1090. What?

1091. - Him? - When? For those two hours?

1092. The car and Burger King?

1093. No. The entire time. Eighteen years, I had a crush on you.

1094. No, you didn't.

1095. - Yes, I did. - The whole time?

1096. Yeah. Thank you for noticing.

1097. Even when you told me I make weird facial expressions when I dance?

1098. That was a neg. I was negging you. It was supposed to make you like me.

1099. - Why didn't you just say it straight out? - Because... Marcus, I don't know.

1100. I was young, and dumb, and scared that you didn't like me back—

1101. You should have said it. We would have... I mean...

1102. I always thought maybe,

1103. - but, I— I mean— - Icebreaker is best played

1104. at a pace... and you two are slowing it down.

1105. Oh, don't worry. That was a long time ago,

1106. and it's been 16 eye-opening years since.

1107. Right?

1108. Anyway...

1109. - Who's next? - He's next.

1110. More wine.

1111. Yes, please!

1112. I love this game.

1113. I feel so close to you guys.

1114. This game is so deep.

1115. It's your turn.

1116. - It's my turn. - It's your turn.

1117. It's your turn, Keanu.

1118. Who is the most disturbing person you've ever masturbated to?

1119. - Oh...

1120. Um, Gene Wilder.

1121. Mao Zedong.

1122. Um... Uh, Princess Jasmine with her midriff top.

1123. A cartoon?

1124. - Wow! That's disgusting.

1125. - And Gene Wilder isn't? - Hey!

1126. Gene Wilder is a cinematic treasure.

1127. What about Mao Zedong? Have you seen a picture of him?

1128. Of course I have.

1129. I'm very familiar with Chinese dignitaries, Marcus.

1130. Xi Jinping.

1131. Li Keqiang.

1132. Okay, Keanu, you know everything!

1133. - Fine, I get it. - Okay! Okay, guys!

1134. This is just a game, right?

1135. All right.

1136. If you had to choose one person in this room to die,

1137. - who would it be? - Marcus!

1138. Whoa! All right.

1139. Men should be able to face their death head-on.

1140. That's fine. I'd kill you, too, Keanu.

1141. I'd kill you just for fun, even if I didn't have to.

1142. Okay, why don't we play Cranium? Right, Jenny? Cranium...

1143. I'd kill Marcus.

1144. - What? - I'm sorry.

1145. But Keanu and Sasha's cultural footprints are way bigger than yours, babe.

1146. - I just couldn't do that to the world.

1147. All right, that's great. You know what? Um, I don't wanna play this game anymore.

1148. Why, Marcus?

1149. What is it about this game...

1150. that frightens you?

1151. I'm not frightened, Keanu.

1152. You know what? Fine. Um, I dare you to...

1153. smash that vase on your head.

1154. - This vase? - Yeah!

1155. No problem.

1156. - Jesus Christ. - Oh, my God, you're bleeding.

1157. You see how easy that was, Marcus?

1158. You see how easy that was?

1159. I never cower in the face of danger. Is it my turn now?

1160. Yes, it is.

1161. I dare Marcus to strike me.

1162. "Strike you"? What does that even mean?

1163. I'm feeling an energy from you...

1164. like you wanna fight me, man.

1165. - So, hit me. - No.

1166. We're done. Game over.

1167. - Come on, hit me! - No!

1168. - Fight him, honey! - No!

1169. - Hit me! - God dammit!

1170. Yeah!

1171. Feeling better? Want another go, Henry?

1172. Stop! Stop it!

1173. - Shh! Go to sleep.

1174. What the hell is your problem?

1175. I don't have a problem, Sasha.

1176. - What's your problem? - We are out of here. You're a dick.

1177. Ah... Well, this has been an unfortunate turn of events.

1178. At least let me get you an Uber.

1179. - Yeah. - Yeah.

1180. I'm staying.

1181. What?

1182. I'm not going to miss my chance to talk to Keanu

1183. about the community center.

1184. You can't change the world without influential people.

1185. So, you need to know famous people in order to make a difference?

1186. It helps.

1187. Look at everything that Leonardo DiCaprio has done for climate change.

1188. What has he done for climate change?

1189. He's working on it.

1190. - Told you he was a douche. - Oh, shut up, Marcus.

1191. - You are just as much to blame for this. - Me? What did I do?

1192. Oh, I don't know, maybe saying you'd kill Keanu just for fun?

1193. After he said he'd kill me first.

1194. I mean, What are you thinking? You need someone on your arm that badly?

1195. Just stop talking, please.

1196. And this whole thing about having a kid by yourself

1197. if you don't meet someone in the next five minutes.

1198. I should not have told you that. Do not repeat that to anyone.

1199. - People are gonna know if you do it. - Maybe not.

1200. Maybe I'll lie and say the dad died getting trampled at the Women's March.

1201. - Great idea, Sasha. - Very noble.

1202. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lie to everyone just like you lie to yourself.

1203. - I don't lie to myself. - You can't sit still!

1204. You just go and go and go,

1205. and you fill your life up with these awards,

1206. and deals, and these idiot boyfriends who are obviously wrong for you,

1207. and you lie to yourself that any of it is ever, ever going to make you feel

1208. - even slightly less miserable. - Well, what about you?

1209. Stuck at home with your dad and that car?

1210. You have all this talent, and you waste it.

1211. You do shit with it.

1212. And you say it's because you don't need all that and you're happy, but really...

1213. it's because you're scared.

1214. Well, now you have nothing to say to me?

1215. What are you doing?

1216. I don't know. I— I... I don't know. I'm— I'm sorry.

1217. I'm just up here, on the left.

1218. - Oh, my God.

1219. Whoa.

1220. I mean...

1221. you've gotten better.

1222. Well, I've had some practice.

1223. Oh. Oh, really? How much practice?

1224. Hey. Don't slut shame me.

1225. I missed you.

1226. Me, too.

1227. I punched Keanu Reeves...

1228. In the face.

1229. Also, can we talk about the fact that he called us an Uber Pool?

1230. - I think that was a mistake. - No.

1231. He definitely got us the worst option on purpose.

1232. Marcus!

1233. You wanna hit that?

1234. If you hit on him, I'll mess up your life.

1235. I'll get your social security number. Mess it up.

1236. - Boop!

1237. Wow, she actually said that to you?

1238. I can't believe it. She always seemed so sweet in her movies.

1239. Just because somebody plays a singing teapot in a Disney movie

1240. doesn't mean they're always nice, Marcus.

1241. It's nice to see you like this again.

1242. Like what?

1243. - Yourself. - Well...

1244. thanks for reminding me how it feels.

1245. How what feels?

1246. Home.

1247. I love that you're back home.

1248. Veronica, Denise, she's so beautiful.

1249. - Thank you. - Isn't she amazing?

1250. I can't stop staring at her.

1251. I mean, no pressure,

1252. but I feel like I'm a total natural godmother,

1253. like the way I'm cradling her.

1254. You're great. You just can't cradle her from New York.

1255. Bitch, I will be her fairy godmother.

1256. Okay? I will flit back and forth

1257. to wherever she is, like a fairy.

1258. Okay, the fact that you said "bitch"

1259. while you're holding my baby means that you are not ready.

1260. Um, so you're still planning to go to New York?

1261. Yeah. I have to be on-site

1262. - to get the restaurant up and running.

1263. Oh, I... I just, I don't know. I thought you'd stay here for a while.

1264. I was actually hoping you'd come with me. It'd be so fun to be there with you.

1265. I'm sure they have dive bars in New York where you can play for free.

1266. Right?

1267. Yes. Godmother Sasha.

1268. - I'm gonna godmother the shit out of you. - That's another strike.

1269. I thought you said fancy was out. These dudes are all wearing tuxedos.

1270. No, you're fine.

1271. They'll just assume you're a K-pop Star.

1272. Coats required, sir.

1273. Shit.

1274. You don't have anything less roomy?

1275. This is all we have, sir.

1276. What about those?

1277. No. Those aren't available.

1278. - They're not available? - No, they belong to people.

1279. Right, and this one doesn't belong to people,

1280. - because nobody is this big, right? - The gentleman died, sir.

1281. - The person who owned this died? - Yes, that's correct.

1282. Oh, André the Giant.

1283. - It was André the Giant? - He was a larger gentleman.

1284. You look like 1980s Ellen when she did stand-up.

1285. - Shut up. I am doing this for you.

1286. Hey, you're pulling it off. It's okay.

1287. Good evening. Lamb carpaccio with a Caesar ice cream?

1288. Absolutely not, thank you.

1289. Quail egg parfait?

1290. Rather shoot myself in the face, thanks.

1291. What? I said thank you.

1292. Sorry, I have to do this red carpet thing real quick, okay?

1293. Okay.

1294. Can you hold my purse?

1295. - Oh, yeah, sure. - Great.

1296. Hey! Love it!

1297. Sasha, smile! Smile! You look gorgeous!

1298. - Yeah. - Thank you, Sasha.

1299. Sasha! Tell us about your new San Francisco restaurant, Saintly Fare.

1300. Oh, all I can say is it's gonna be something different, innovative.

1301. - Love it! - How are you handling the breakup

1302. with Brandon Choi?

1303. I wish Brandon nothing but the best.

1304. It was just time for us to go in different directions.

1305. But I'm here tonight with my new boyfriend,

1306. Marcus Kim.

1307. - Is he a chef, too? - No, no, no, he's in heat and air.

1308. He's just a regular guy.

1309. - Sasha, nice to see you.

1310. God, I can't believe we're opening Saintly Fare tonight.

1311. Phew, I'm nervous.

1312. You thought the last event was crazy?

1313. Wait till you see what it's like

1314. - opening night of a restaurant. - Hmm.

1315. I'm just glad this is the last thing for a while.

1316. Well...

1317. not really. Remember, I'm off to New York next week.

1318. You're still coming, right?

1319. Oh, um...

1320. Well, I'm not sure I can, I got my dad and that Southie's audition, so...

1321. So, come after the audition.

1322. Well, maybe. We'll see. So, when are you planning on coming back?

1323. I wasn't.

1324. I'm... moving on to the next thing.

1325. You know?

1326. Oh, right. Right. It's because you're a celebrity chef.

1327. Who came up with that term anyway?

1328. It's so pretentious.

1329. Great, well, it wasn't me, okay?

1330. You know what other term I hate?

1331. "Elevated Asian cuisine."

1332. Asian food isn't supposed to be "elevated." It's supposed to be authentic.

1333. That's what you used to make with my mom.

1334. I don't know why you're doing this kinda stuff now.

1335. Oh, so now you're saying my food isn't authentic.

1336. It's not authentic.

1337. Asian food shouldn't be served in a shot glass.

1338. It should be served in a big ass bowl.

1339. You're just catering to rich white people.

1340. Well, if you think I'm such a sellout, then why are you dating me?

1341. If you think I'm just a regular guy, then why are you dating me?

1342. Oh, I know,

1343. it's because you need someone to carry your purse.

1344. I called you "a regular guy" as a compliment.

1345. - You aren't caught up in all the bullshit. - The way you are?

1346. Oh, right.

1347. Instead, you smoke weed every night 'cause that's so much more noble.

1348. God forbid someone relax in Sasha Tran's presence.

1349. Don't shame me for going after things, Marcus!

1350. - You're so scared to do anything new. - I'm not scared.

1351. Okay? I just don't want to be some dude on your arm

1352. so you don't have to show up to places alone.

1353. Why not?

1354. What's wrong with that? What's wrong with you supporting me?

1355. No one would question it if it was the other way around.

1356. You don't support me.

1357. You hate the band. You hate Ragga.

1358. I don't hate the band!

1359. I think the band is great.

1360. Too great to be stuck playing in that shithole!

1361. Well, I love that shithole!

1362. Sorry if it isn't "elevated" enough for you.

1363. You know what, Marcus? Don't come tonight.

1364. Sasha!

1365. - Sasha, look, I didn't mean to— - I love you, Marcus.

1366. I've loved you since we were kids.

1367. And I don't need you to live my life,

1368. but I need you to understand that this is my life.

1369. I want to be with you.

1370. I want to come home to you, even when you're being an asshole.

1371. After the opening, I'm gonna go to New York,

1372. and if you don't want to come with me, then just say it.

1373. I don't want to go to New York with you.

1374. You are such a fucking coward.

1375. Make sure to leave some seats at the bar open for walk-ins

1376. and tell Andre not to order dried shiitakes. Only fresh.

1377. Okay. You sure you're gonna be okay?

1378. Yeah, I'm fine.

1379. I came here to open the restaurant, and that's what I did.

1380. - On to the next. - Ok. I know this is gonna make you mad,

1381. but I'm just gonna say it.

1382. Don't give up on this.

1383. I don't want to see you live a life of regret

1384. and think, "Maybe if I tried harder—"

1385. - What am I supposed to do? - Just talk to Marcus.

1386. I'm done talking to Marcus.

1387. I'll call you from New York.

1388. - I love you. - I love you, too.

1389. Hey, dad, I got us some Panera Bread—

1390. - Dad? - Marcus.

1391. - Donna Summer? - Diana Ross.

1392. - Kathy. - Dad!

1393. Marcus.

1394. Okay, now that we've all met, who wants some dinner?

1395. - How long has this been going on? - For a while now.

1396. We hit it off at the party, and you know how much I love Diana Ross.

1397. How come you never told me?

1398. I didn't know how you'd react.

1399. Did Sasha leave for New York?

1400. Um, yeah. Yeah, she did.

1401. Why didn't you go with her?

1402. Well...

1403. Because I have responsibilities here, you know?

1404. I got the business, the band, you.

1405. - I'm your caregiver. - What the hell are you talking about?

1406. - I don't need a caregiver. - Yes, you do, Dad.

1407. You think I can't stick a needle in my own ass?

1408. Well, why have I been doing it?

1409. You're using me as an excuse not to live your life.

1410. You need me, okay?

1411. - You lost Mom.

1412. I can't leave you, too.

1413. We both lost your mom.

1414. And as hard as it was, it was her time to go.

1415. Now, I thought if I gave you space,

1416. someday you'd be able to let go and move on.

1417. But you just sat there and let the world pass you by.

1418. It kills me seeing you like this

1419. because I know it would have broken your mother's heart.

1420. Hey, at some point...

1421. you're gonna have to take a chance on something, son.

1422. And please, don't be a downer in front of Kathy.

1423. - Oh! There they are. Hey, buttholes!

1424. I got here early for a little pregame.

1425. Well, what— what's going on?

1426. Breakup.

1427. You and Sasha broke up?

1428. - What? When did that happen? - Hey, check it out.

1429. It is audition night at Southie's.

1430. No one knows us on this side of town, and I'm okay with that.

1431. Let's do this!

1432. - Time out. I just need to...

1433. - ... take care of this.

1434. Hey!

1435. Where's the men's room?

1436. You're the most selfish person I've ever met!

1437. You know, you don't care about the band. You don't care about us.

1438. Marcus, I lost 50 pounds, and you don't even care enough to notice.

1439. Yeah, I wear a medium now.

1440. The tricky part's keeping it off.

1441. I am aware of that, Ginger!

1442. I don't need her, guys.

1443. Just tell me that I'm better off without her and I don't need her.

1444. I hate her lifestyle, and she hates mine.

1445. Come on, Tony.

1446. Just tell me that me and Sasha were a match made in hell

1447. and this is all for the best.

1448. I don't know what to say to you, Marcus.

1449. I'm literally telling you exactly what to say, word for word.

1450. You messed up, man.

1451. Hi, leave me a message.

1452. - I am so sorry.

1453. I messed up.

1454. I know this is too little too late,

1455. and you probably never want to talk to me again, but...

1456. I don't know, I'm gonna keep trying.

1457. I can't let another 16 years go by without talking to you.

1458. Hey, it's, um, me again.

1459. So, Southie's gave us another chance, and we killed it.

1460. Oh, and, um, I don't know if you got the link I texted you,

1461. but I took over merch from Quasar and set up an online store,

1462. and, uh, our sales have gone through the roof,

1463. - which is, like, totally crazy.

1464. Okay, I know you're probably sick of hearing from me,

1465. but I just wanted to let you know that I moved out.

1466. Got my own place.

1467. It's small, but at least it's shitty.

1468. Uh, and I'm actually gonna be near your restaurant tomorrow,

1469. so I figured I'd stop by and see if maybe you're in San Francisco.

1470. I just... I just really want to talk to you, so...

1471. - ... okay, uh, bye.

1472. Mom? Dad?

1473. - Surprise! - We came to visit you.

1474. - In New York? - Yeah!

1475. We have free airline vouchers,

1476. and we found your address on the Google.

1477. Only two Sasha Tran in this area,

1478. but the other one is a baby.

1479. Sasha... goodness.

1480. Hey! Your apartment is beautiful.

1481. Seriously, you guys didn't have to fly all the way out here.

1482. We heard Food & Wine magazine is giving you a big award,

1483. - and we wanted to come support you. - Wow.

1484. That's a first.

1485. Okay, um...

1486. we... we know you're mad at us because we weren't around much

1487. - when— - "Much"?

1488. You used to leave me home alone for an entire day, Mom.

1489. We're trying our best to make up for it now.

1490. Okay.

1491. What's this?

1492. A receipt.

1493. We went to your new restaurant in San Francisco,

1494. and we didn't tell them we were your parents,

1495. and we pay everything in full price.

1496. No way.

1497. We have so many pictures we could have shown

1498. as proof we were family,

1499. but we didn't bring them.

1500. See? Daddy and I even ordered extra shrimp.

1501. Uh, sir?

1502. Hi, can I help you?

1503. Oh, yeah. Um, is Sasha Tran here by any chance?

1504. - I'm afraid not. - How about Veronica?

1505. I'm an old friend.

1506. She's in the office upstairs.

1507. Cool, thanks.

1508. - Veronica, hi.

1509. There's a very middle-class man on his way up to see you.

1510. She's the reason our sales went up.

1511. She's been ordering all the stuff online under a fake name,

1512. having it sent here.

1513. What name?

1514. D'Angelo.

1515. I thought she never wanted to talk to me again.

1516. Why would she do this?

1517. Wow.

1518. You cute, but you dumb.

1519. - Check the attitude, bitch. - Okay.

1520. I'm flying to New York in the morning.

1521. My friend Keanu Reeves recommended you guys.

1522. Have you heard of Keanu Reeves? He's my friend.

1523. I punched him in the face. I'll take that one.

1524. Uh, excellent choice, sir.

1525. - Champagne? - Oh, no, thank you.

1526. Of course, champagne! Pour that shit!

1527. All right. Thank you.

1528. Let me just get the tag for you.

1529. Get it off me! Get it off me! Take it off! It's burning.

1530. - Help you? - Yeah.

1531. I'll take this suit for $219.32.

1532. It comes with a belt and two pairs of pants.

1533. That is a very versatile ensemble.

1534. It's great for court dates, entry-level job interviews,

1535. high school reunions,

1536. where, like, you don't want them to know how successful you are.

1537. Sasha! This way, please!

1538. - Sasha! Sasha! - Sasha! Over here!

1539. - Sasha! - Hey.

1540. - Sasha! - Sasha, who's your date tonight?

1541. Uh, well, I couldn't decide on just one,

1542. so I brought two.

1543. Quoc and Sandy Tran,

1544. - my parents. - Aw!

1545. - Get them in the photo with ya. - Come on.

1546. Mom, Dad, you're lookin' beautiful.

1547. Excuse me. Uh, I have a question!

1548. Marcus?

1549. What are you doing here?

1550. I came here to find you.

1551. Uh, the whole plane ride over here,

1552. I was trying to figure out how I could say this in some great way,

1553. but I couldn't, so I'm just gonna say it badly.

1554. I wanna be where you are.

1555. I don't care where it is. I don't care what outfit I have to wear.

1556. I don't care if I have to eat a lot of tiny, little things that I hate.

1557. I— I just wanna be with you.

1558. I wanna make you laugh.

1559. I want you to call me out when I'm not pushing myself hard enough.

1560. I want to have a lot of sex with you.

1561. I probably should have left the sex part out.

1562. I'm worried that I cheapened it. Anyway, I just...

1563. I want to have a family with you. I want to spend my life with you.

1564. Even if it scares me,

1565. even if I'm as scared every day as I am right now.

1566. So my question is this:

1567. Sasha Tran...

1568. can I hold your purse for you?

1569. That was the bad version?

1570. - It was good? - It was great.

1571. - You liked it? - I loved it.

1572. Kiss already!

1573. Let's go get your award.

1574. - Look this way, please! - Sasha, thank you!

1575. - This is fancy. - Yeah, you like it?

1576. - Where is that from? - Suits 'N Stuff.

1577. - Oh, my— What is that? - Came with two pairs of pants.

1578. I think they're paper.

1579. - Paid for it myself. - What?

1580. - With the merch money. - Oh!

1581. Oh, I cannot believe you did that.

1582. And we are honored to present our Visionary of the Year award to...

1583. - Sasha Tran!

1584. Sasha!

1585. Whoo!

1586. Sasha!

1587. What an amazing night.

1588. Are you still hungry?

1589. Starving.

1590. The main course was a rice noodle wrapped around a fig.

1591. Well, lucky for you,

1592. I know a great new place.

1593. Really?

1594. Unlimited quail egg parfait.

1595. - Oh, great. - Yeah.

1596. It's a buffet of parfait.

1597. We don't open for a week, but we're deep in prep mode.

1598. I love it.

1599. It looks so different from your other restaurant.

1600. Come here. I wanna show you something.

1601. Hey, is it ready?

1602. Yes, Chef.

1603. It's just like my mom's.

1604. It's all her recipes.

1605. This is what I want to do, Marcus.

1606. The kind of food that makes people feel at home.

1607. The way your mom always made me feel.

1608. You win.

1609. This beats my speech.

1610. It's gonna be hard to give you an unbiased Yelp review.

1611. Oh, Sasha, thank you again for flying us out for this.

1612. I couldn't imagine doing it without you, Mr. Kim.

1613. - So, um, what do you think?

1614. Think she would have liked it?

1615. She would have loved it.

1616. I accept.

1617. - Sorry? - Yes! I will be your baby's godmother.

1618. Oh! We asked Denise's sister to be the godmother.

1619. - What? - Just kidding, girl. You know it's you.

1620. Stop.

1621. - Hey, so postpartum is real. - Shh! Come on. This is the opening.

1622. Maybe next we can make Hello East Coast Peril happen.

1623. - Yeah, I'd be down for that. - Taking the Bay Area cross-country.

1624. - Hey, you're looking good, by the way.

1625. What is that? A medium?

1626. - European slim cut, baby. - Uh-oh!

1627. Best 600 bucks I ever spent.

1628. I'm so hungry all the time.

1629. Congratulations.

1630. - I'm so proud of you. - Thank you.

1631. You think everyone knows I punched Keanu Reeves?

1632. You should probably write a song about it just to be sure.

1633. - Hmm.

1634. Whoo!

1635. Whoo!