1. Okay, one more time from the top.Copy !req
2. Six beats, all right?Copy !req
3. One, two, three, four.
One, two –Copy !req
4. To be on the wire is life.
The rest is waiting.Copy !req
5. That's very theatrical, Joe.Copy !req
6. - Yeah, I know.
- Did you make it up?Copy !req
7. I wish I had.Copy !req
8. - Do you like it?
- Well, it's all right.Copy !req
9. It's showtime, folks!Copy !req
10. "Autumn."
Is that your real name?Copy !req
11. Yes, sir.Copy !req
12. Sure you don't want
to change that?Copy !req
13. Well, if you give me the job,
I'll change it.Copy !req
14. "Victoria Porter."Copy !req
15. Is this your, uh –
your home phone?Copy !req
16. You were in The Wiz?Copy !req
17. I've never been
in any show in my life.Copy !req
18. I had to put something.
I really need a job, so I lied.Copy !req
19. That's all right.
I lie all the time myself.Copy !req
20. Oh, fuck him.
He never picks me.Copy !req
21. I did fuck him,
and he never picks me either.Copy !req
22. - You were in Traffic Jam?
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
23. Who was the director
of Traffic Jam?Copy !req
24. - You were, Mr. Gideon.
- Oh. How was I?Copy !req
25. - Terrific.
- And who was the choreographer?Copy !req
26. - You were, Mr. Gideon.
- How was I?Copy !req
27. - Fantastic.
- That's how you get a job.Copy !req
28. God!
I hope he doesn't pick her.Copy !req
29. She's uglier than a witch's tit.Copy !req
30. The expression is
"colder than a witch's tit."Copy !req
31. How would you know?
You've never seen a woman's tit.Copy !req
32. Shh! Be quiet.Copy !req
33. Okay. Thank you all very much.
It was a terrific audition.Copy !req
34. Just stay in line.Copy !req
35. Now, that's what I call
a real drinker's nose.Copy !req
36. And you should know, because
you're a real drinker, aren't you?Copy !req
37. Yeah.Copy !req
38. - Also heavy into speed, aren't you?
- Yeah.Copy !req
39. Also sleep
with a great many women.Copy !req
40. Real turn-off, huh?Copy !req
41. Just the opposite.Copy !req
42. I'll make up my mind
about the men later,
but I know which girls I want now –Copy !req
43. Candy, Casey, Rima, Jennifer,
and Victoria Porter.Copy !req
44. - In the shocking pink leotard?
- Yeah.Copy !req
45. See if any are willing
to be swing dancers.Copy !req
46. - She's tone-deaf, Joey.
- With those legs, who cares?Copy !req
47. Joey, I know you're in a hurry.Copy !req
48. - I just want to check your schedule.
- Same as always.Copy !req
49. Joey? Joey, can we talk
a minute, please?Copy !req
50. - Joey –
- What is it?Copy !req
51. - What about Diane?
- You left me without a soprano again!Copy !req
52. Paul, please, please,
will you let me handle it?Copy !req
53. - What about Diane?
- What about Diane?Copy !req
54. - I've had her in three shows.
She's wonderful.
- She's wonderful.Copy !req
55. - He needs a soprano.
- You left me without a soprano.
I gotta have a soprano!Copy !req
56. Gentlemen,
Mr. Gideon will make up –Copy !req
57. The tall dancer on stage right...Copy !req
58. with the blue eye shadow –
he'll hit the high notes.Copy !req
59. Tovar, Narin-Smith –Copy !req
60. The five Murray is talking to
are the girls I want. Okay with you?Copy !req
61. The tall girl, Victoria –
I like her, Daddy.Copy !req
62. Mm, she's all right.Copy !req
63. Oh, I really screwed up
that marriage.Copy !req
64. Because I cheated. Oh, man,
I cheated every chance I could get.Copy !req
65. Okay with you, Audrey?Copy !req
66. Sure, fine with me.
What about this weekend with Michelle?Copy !req
67. Oh, Jesus! I forgot.
I gotta work this weekend.Copy !req
68. Oh, Joe, you promised her!Copy !req
69. I know I promised,
but what am I gonna do?Copy !req
70. That's okay.Copy !req
71. - I'm sorry, Michelle.
- That's okay.Copy !req
72. If you want me,
I'll be in the cutting room.Copy !req
73. He promised me.Copy !req
74. Some fucking father!Copy !req
75. - Family?
- Screwed up.Copy !req
76. - Work?
- All there is.Copy !req
77. If I were God, man –Copy !req
78. - sometimes I think I am –Copy !req
79. Depends on the shit
you're smoking.Copy !req
80. Mm, okay.Copy !req
81. If I were God, man...Copy !req
82. everybody would live forever.Copy !req
83. No death, man!Copy !req
84. No pennies on the eyes
for anybody.Copy !req
85. Well, there are a couple people,
like my agent,
who booked me into this toilet.Copy !req
86. Why is he mumbling like that?Copy !req
87. I'll tell you why: 'Cause I'm the dummy
who let him mumble like that.Copy !req
88. - Right.
- Shh!
- ... death and the clap.Copy !req
89. - So far I've managed
to avoid one of them.Copy !req
90. You know, man,
death is really a hip thing now.Copy !req
91. But we all have
very different feelings about it.Copy !req
92. For instance, to a Catholic,
death is a promotion.Copy !req
93. - Excuse me, Stacy.Copy !req
94. Women.Copy !req
95. Uh...Copy !req
96. hope?Copy !req
97. There's all this bullshit
about death with dignity.Copy !req
98. You know what death with dignity is?
You don't drool.Copy !req
99. Change-of-pace time.
Request. Here we go.Copy !req
100. Vic O'Dante. Hey!Copy !req
101. Beauty?Copy !req
102. - You're a flirt.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
103. Ah, I love it, I love it, I love it.Copy !req
104. Books, magazine articles,
TV shows...Copy !req
105. Ken and Barbie dolls
who have a mutual suicide pact.Copy !req
106. How many times do we have
to look at the same thing?Copy !req
107. Until he gets it
the way he wants it.Copy !req
108. There's a lady in Chicago, man,
wrote a book –Copy !req
109. Dr. Kübler-Ross, with a dash.Copy !req
110. This chick, man...Copy !req
111. without the benefit
of dying herself...Copy !req
112. has broken the process of death
into five stages –Copy !req
113. anger, denial, bargaining,
depression, and acceptance.Copy !req
114. Sounds like a Jewish law firm.Copy !req
115. "Good morning. Anger, Denial,
Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance."Copy !req
116. Anger.Copy !req
117. "Jesus Christ!Copy !req
118. Goddamn son-of-a-bitch
pig-fucking bastards!Copy !req
119. - Oh, poo!"Copy !req
120. Bargaining.Copy !req
121. What did I say? Anger, denial,
bargaining, depression, acceptance.Copy !req
122. If you happen to get to denial –Copy !req
123. denial –
"No.Copy !req
124. No, that's not me, man. No.
Oh, ho-ho!Copy !req
125. Somebody else, maybe,
but not me. Oh, no.Copy !req
126. You got the wrong –
How about my mother, man?Copy !req
127. She's old, I'm weaned, I'm toilet-trained.
I don't need her anymore.Copy !req
128. 'Bye, Ma. You've been terrific.
I love ya, but not me!"'Copy !req
129. Mother.Copy !req
130. Kind of chubby.
And jolly.Copy !req
131. And sexy.Copy !req
132. - Bargaining! Remember her?Copy !req
133. "Can we sit down and talk
about this like businessmen?Copy !req
134. A negotiation, okay?
No more hard drugs.Copy !req
135. A little grass, maybe,
but that's it.Copy !req
136. Okay? Look, I promise I won't
flash on subways anymore, okay?"Copy !req
137. Cat drives a hard bargain.Copy !req
138. Depression.Copy !req
139. Hi, Katie.Copy !req
140. "I'm dying!Copy !req
141. Oh, God, am I dying!Copy !req
142. Do you want to have dinner together
before I go to the theater?Copy !req
143. - I can't.
- The doctor's not dying!Copy !req
144. Should I come over
to your apartment later?Copy !req
145. - Yeah, sure.
- Father?Copy !req
146. Liar, cheat, womanizer.
You would've liked him.Copy !req
147. Wait a minute.
We may be working very late tonight.Copy !req
148. - That's okay.
- Yeah.Copy !req
149. - We'll talk later.
- ... for this hospital room!Copy !req
150. - At those prices, man,
who can afford to live?Copy !req
151. So...Copy !req
152. acceptance.Copy !req
153. - "I accept–"
- Hold it.Copy !req
154. - Hold it, Irv.
- You finished, or run it again?Copy !req
155. No, I do not want to run it again,
thank you. We are finished.Copy !req
156. - Thank you, Irv.
- Anybody have any ideas?Copy !req
157. I like it, Joe.
I think it's really funny.Copy !req
158. Who asked you, Stacy?Copy !req
159. It's too long.
I don't know.Copy !req
160. Maybe we can get away with it.Copy !req
161. Do you suppose Stanley Kubrick
ever gets depressed?Copy !req
162. - You want to work tonight, Joe?
- No. I wish I could...Copy !req
163. but I gotta work on the show.Copy !req
164. All right.Copy !req
165. I want so
to be a movie star.Copy !req
166. Oh?Copy !req
167. Ever since I was a little kid...Copy !req
168. I wanted to see
my face on the screen...Copy !req
169. 40 feet wide.Copy !req
170. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
171. "I have always depended...Copy !req
172. on the kindness of strangers."Copy !req
173. You're looking at my nose,
aren't you?Copy !req
174. - Hmm?
- It's crooked.Copy !req
175. It goes to the left.
See?Copy !req
176. I mean, like, I could always
have it fixed, like that.Copy !req
177. Do you think I could be?Copy !req
178. - Huh?
- You know.Copy !req
179. A movie star, I mean.Copy !req
180. In the movies.Copy !req
181. Well, that's –Copy !req
182. I don't know anybody
that could answer that question.Copy !req
183. It's –Copy !req
184. It's a very freaky business,
you know?Copy !req
185. Yeah, I know all about that,
but, like...Copy !req
186. I want to know what you think.Copy !req
187. Do you think I could be
a movie star?Copy !req
188. No.Copy !req
189. Even with a nose job?Copy !req
190. Well, that's fair.Copy !req
191. Like you said,
it is a freaky business, though.Copy !req
192. You know,
you could be wrong, right?Copy !req
193. Right.Copy !req
194. I don't dance
so hot either, do I?Copy !req
195. You will. I promise you.Copy !req
196. You want to go to bed?Copy !req
197. Yeah.Copy !req
198. - I'm sorry.Copy !req
199. - Oh, am I sorry.
- Katie!Copy !req
200. I should have called first.Copy !req
201. Oh, shit!Copy !req
202. Did I, like, screw anything up?Copy !req
203. No.Copy !req
204. I screwed it up.Copy !req
205. Oh, I meant to call her.Copy !req
206. Oh, boy,
you are really something.Copy !req
207. I'm Joey's mother.Copy !req
208. Ever since he was so high,
he's had such a crush on you!Copy !req
209. I've always been fond of Joe too.Copy !req
210. Of all the children,
he was the least worry.Copy !req
211. He worked in all those
cheap burlesque clubs.Copy !req
212. Always around stark-naked girls.Copy !req
213. But did it bother him? No.Copy !req
214. He never paid any attention.Copy !req
215. Never even looked at them.Copy !req
216. "you love."
Amant. "they love."Copy !req
217. Amo, amas, amat...Copy !req
218. amamus, amatis, amant.Copy !req
219. Hey, kid.
What kind of language is that?Copy !req
220. Oh, it's not a language.Copy !req
221. Just some jokes
I'm working on.Copy !req
222. Some crazy jokes.Copy !req
223. "Pu–"Pu–"Copy !req
224. Puella. "Girl."Copy !req
225. Oh.Copy !req
226. First-year Latin?Copy !req
227. It's my kid brother's.Copy !req
228. - How old are you?
- Nineteen.Copy !req
229. Uh-huh.
What year were you born?Copy !req
230. Uh, 19... uh... 30 –Copy !req
231. Try 1934.Copy !req
232. - Right. 1934.
- 1935?Copy !req
233. Yeah, 1935, yeah.Copy !req
234. Now try 1492.Copy !req
235. See ya around, kid.Copy !req
236. Maybe we could have a drink
together sometime.Copy !req
237. Oh, sure.Copy !req
238. You notice we have
these small waitresses here, right?Copy !req
239. You know why?
Make the drinks look bigger.Copy !req
240. - That's my favorite one –
the one with the big tips.Copy !req
241. I got problems too. The other day
I went to see my psychiatrist.Copy !req
242. I told him I have suicidal tendencies.
He says, "From now on, pay in advance."Copy !req
243. I have four chinchillas
at home in heat.Copy !req
244. I make a lot of money.
I just have trouble passing it.Copy !req
245. I just have trouble passing it.
Is this on?Copy !req
246. First-year Latin!Copy !req
247. It's 3:00 in the morning.Copy !req
248. Isn't it past your beddy time?Copy !req
249. I don't look for big laughs.
I'll settle for intelligent nods.Copy !req
250. Anything. Wink.Copy !req
251. You'd better stop lying
or your nose will grow.Copy !req
252. Ooh! Something's growing.Copy !req
253. The drummer's not really with the band,
but he has the car. Married 14 years.Copy !req
254. Fourteen years. No children.
Strict mother-in-law.Copy !req
255. Let's continue on.
Right now, ladies and gentlemen...Copy !req
256. here he is, tops in taps...Copy !req
257. may we present Mr. Joe Gideon!Copy !req
258. Joey's never done anything
to disappoint me.Copy !req
259. It's showtime, folks.Copy !req
260. - Do you believe in love?
- I believe in saying "I love you."
Helps you concentrate.Copy !req
261. Joe, they've asked me
to go on tour with the show.Copy !req
262. How long?Copy !req
263. Six months.
What do you think?Copy !req
264. - And you say it all the time.
- I say it a lot. A lot.Copy !req
265. - When?
- When it works.Copy !req
266. You know I love you, Katie...Copy !req
267. but I think you have to do
what's best for you.Copy !req
268. Just what do you mean?Copy !req
269. Sometimes it doesn't work.Copy !req
270. I mean, for your sake...Copy !req
271. I think you should go.Copy !req
272. Hello, Michael?
It's Katie.Copy !req
273. So...Copy !req
274. did you mean it about dinner?Copy !req
275. Wally's at 1 1 :00?
You're surprised?Copy !req
276. I'm a little surprised.Copy !req
277. Thank you.Copy !req
278. Okay, Michael.
Bye-bye.Copy !req
279. I'm a little surprised too.Copy !req
280. Isn't that nice?Copy !req
281. Now we're all a little surprised.Copy !req
282. - Who was that?
- Michael Graham.Copy !req
283. - Who is Michael Graham?
- A dancer in my ballet class.Copy !req
284. Straight? Or gay?Copy !req
285. - What do you mean?Copy !req
286. I mean,
is he looking to get laid...Copy !req
287. or is he looking for Mr. Right?Copy !req
288. He's straight.Copy !req
289. And tall.Copy !req
290. "Michael Graham"
is a very tall name.Copy !req
291. Goddamn it!Copy !req
292. How dare you use my phone –Copy !req
293. my telephone –
to call somebody who's not gay?Copy !req
294. I – You can go out with any girl –
any girl in town.Copy !req
295. That's right.
I go out with any girl in town.Copy !req
296. - I stay in with you.
- Joe, it's not – oh, shit!Copy !req
297. I'm spilling everything –
the coffee – It's all wrong.Copy !req
298. Everything is all wrong.Copy !req
299. That's some set of rules you had for her.Copy !req
300. Yeah, I know. I know.Copy !req
301. As long as you could
get away with it, right?Copy !req
302. Right.Copy !req
303. I don't want to go out
with Michael Graham.
I don't want to date.Copy !req
304. I have no more small talk left.Copy !req
305. I don't want to fool around...Copy !req
306. I don't want to play games,
and I don't want to fight.Copy !req
307. I just want to love you.Copy !req
308. Katie...Copy !req
309. I try to give you
everything I can give.Copy !req
310. Oh, you give, all right –Copy !req
311. presents, clothes.Copy !req
312. I just wish...Copy !req
313. you weren't so generous
with your cock.Copy !req
314. That's good!Copy !req
315. Maybe I can use that sometime.Copy !req
316. Katie,
about the goddamn tour –Copy !req
317. I don't think you should go.Copy !req
318. Wrong reading.Copy !req
319. Softly and with feeling.Copy !req
320. Don't go.Copy !req
321. Please?Copy !req
322. Why do you suppose
she put up with it?Copy !req
323. Oh, I can think of many reasons
for wanting to be with you.Copy !req
324. Now, don't bullshit a bullshitter.Copy !req
325. It's perfect!
Didn't I tell you?Copy !req
326. Whoa! It's very, very good!Copy !req
327. I think we might even get
a commercial tie-in with the airlines.Copy !req
328. - Audrey?Copy !req
329. Uh, ask, uh –Copy !req
330. Yeah, it's okay. Uh...Copy !req
331. let me see what I can do with it.Copy !req
332. I think it's just what the show needs.
It's catchy, it's bouncy. Right, Ted?Copy !req
333. Yeah, it's very bouncy
and catchy.Copy !req
334. - Could we hear it again?
- I'd love to.Copy !req
335. - Oh! Arnie –Copy !req
336. Turn.
That is some fucking music.Copy !req
337. Turn back.Copy !req
338. Arch your back.
Extend the right leg.Copy !req
339. Ease your partner down gently.
Slide. Slide.Copy !req
340. Slide!Copy !req
341. Have you ever slept
with another woman?Copy !req
342. I once tried living with two girls –
two girls at once.Copy !req
343. We lived together.Copy !req
344. - Laughed together.
- Drank together.Copy !req
345. Smoked together.Copy !req
346. - Woke up one morning...Copy !req
347. one of them was gone.Copy !req
348. On the bureau,
she left a note.Copy !req
349. I'm sorry.Copy !req
350. I cannot share you anymore.Copy !req
351. I want you all to myself...Copy !req
352. or not at all.Copy !req
353. Please.
Please try to understand.Copy !req
354. I not only understood, I –
I was flattered.Copy !req
355. I was flattered that she felt
so strongly about me.Copy !req
356. How did you know
the note was to you?Copy !req
357. "No. No, that's not me, man. No.
Oh, ho-ho!Copy !req
358. Somebody else, maybe,
but not me."Copy !req
359. - What is this, Eddie?
- Got me. Talk to him.Copy !req
360. Joey, I gotta talk to you
about these time sheets.Copy !req
361. Three weeks now
we've been on triple-time.Copy !req
362. The brass is eating
my ass out!Copy !req
363. You shot 82 days
on a 65-day schedule.Copy !req
364. On a four-month editing schedule,
you've gone seven months.Copy !req
365. We're already two million, two
over the original budget.Copy !req
366. Joey, God made
the entire world in six days.Copy !req
367. He didn't go on overtime once.Copy !req
368. You can't even cut
an hour-and-a-half movie...Copy !req
369. in seven months,
on triple-time?Copy !req
370. Joey, I hate to do this.
I'm usually a very calm man...Copy !req
371. but this whole thing
has got me terribly crazy.Copy !req
372. I must put my foot down.
The whole thing has gotta stop.Copy !req
373. It has to stop.
It's got to stop!Copy !req
374. It just simply must stop!Copy !req
375. Josh, I made a few changes
in the monologue. I think you'll like it.Copy !req
376. I have to go to rehearsal.Copy !req
377. - At those prices, who can afford to live?
- See you at 5:30, Eddie.Copy !req
378. Nice talking to you, Josh.Copy !req
379. So I accept!Copy !req
380. Oh, my God.
It is better.Copy !req
381. - God help us all.
- Wait a minute. Real dead body.Copy !req
382. It's better.Copy !req
383. Okay, that looks good. I like it.
Everybody down, in a straight line.Copy !req
384. Come on. Here we go.
Move down, move down.Copy !req
385. Move down, Victoria.
And sing it out. Here we go.Copy !req
386. Five, six, seven, eight.Copy !req
387. Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
And I don't like it.Copy !req
388. Uh, double that.Copy !req
389. - Which button?
- The white one. Down.Copy !req
390. That stinks. Let's try something else.
Do me a favor.Copy !req
391. Take off your shoes.Copy !req
392. What's that?Copy !req
393. - It's a mint.
- Can I have one?Copy !req
394. No. Come on.
You wouldn't like it.Copy !req
395. Let me try this.Copy !req
396. Here, you stand over here
and then jump up on my shoulder.Copy !req
397. God, you're getting heavy!Copy !req
398. Put your leg in an arabesque.
There we are.Copy !req
399. - How are things at home?
- Pretty good.Copy !req
400. All right.Copy !req
401. All right,
watch your back, now.Copy !req
402. - Anything you want to tell me?
- I promised Mom I wouldn't bring it up.Copy !req
403. But you're gonna
bring it up anyway.Copy !req
404. Sit down, Michelle.
You can tell me anything.Copy !req
405. Gimme your wrists.
Ready, and...Copy !req
406. jump!Copy !req
407. It's just that
I keep wondering, Dad –Copy !req
408. Bend your knees.Copy !req
409. What is it you keep wondering?Copy !req
410. Why don't you get married again?Copy !req
411. Do a head roll.Copy !req
412. I don't get married again
because I can't find anyone...Copy !req
413. I dislike enough...Copy !req
414. to inflict that kind of torture on.Copy !req
415. Hey, why don't you marry Katie?
She's terrific.Copy !req
416. Keep rolling your head.Copy !req
417. Straighten your leg.Copy !req
418. Yeah, you're right.
She's terrific.Copy !req
419. That's exactly why
I don't want to marry her.Copy !req
420. Run off in the corner
and jump, and I'll catch you.Copy !req
421. What about Victoria?
You're not too crazy about her.Copy !req
422. Just run and jump.
Never mind that.Copy !req
423. Come on. And –Copy !req
424. - What about the blonde?
- What blonde?Copy !req
425. The one in Philadelphia
with the television show?Copy !req
426. You know, the one
Mom keeps talking about.Copy !req
427. - Oh, yeah. That blonde.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
428. Jump up and wrap
your legs around me.Copy !req
429. Wrap around.
That's it.Copy !req
430. Why is it so important to you that –
Follow my hand.Copy !req
431. Why is it so important
that I get married again?Copy !req
432. 'Cause then you'd settle down
and stop screwing around.Copy !req
433. Hey! Watch your language.Copy !req
434. - Oh, shit!Copy !req
435. - Look at the time.
- Can't we stay a little longer?Copy !req
436. - No, your mother will kill me.
- It's so much fun!Copy !req
437. - No. Absolutely. Come on.
- Just five minutes!Copy !req
438. Stop flocking your legs.
Come on!Copy !req
439. - I'll get you home.
- Please?Copy !req
440. No, no, no, no.Copy !req
441. Besides,
if you got married again...Copy !req
442. maybe you'd have a baby,
and I'd have a little brother.Copy !req
443. I'll call Hertz
and rent you a brother.Copy !req
444. - Very funny.
- Oh, everybody's a critic.Copy !req
445. Showtime, folks.Copy !req
446. Showtime.Copy !req
447. - Five, six, seven, eight.Copy !req
448. Stop smiling. Lay back.Copy !req
449. Lay back!Copy !req
450. Hold it, hold it, hold it.Copy !req
451. Candy, Casey, very good.
You're gonna do it again, Victoria.Copy !req
452. Gary, Danny, let's go.Copy !req
453. Stop smiling.
It's not the high-school play.Copy !req
454. - Count.
- Five, six, seven, eight.Copy !req
455. Stand on your right foot.Copy !req
456. Point your left toe.Copy !req
457. Drop that shoulder.Copy !req
458. Now, that's not too hard, is it?Copy !req
459. Again.Copy !req
460. - Five, six, seven, eight.Copy !req
461. Lay back, Victoria.
Lay back! Lay back!Copy !req
462. - Hold it, hold it.Copy !req
463. - I'm sorry.
- No, you're right.Copy !req
464. I'm terrible.
I know I'm terrible.Copy !req
465. I look in the mirror,
and I'm embarrassed.Copy !req
466. Maybe I should quit.
I – I just can't...Copy !req
467. seem to do anything right.Copy !req
468. Listen, I can't make you
a great dancer.Copy !req
469. I don't even know
if I can make you a good dancer.Copy !req
470. But if you keep trying
and don't quit...Copy !req
471. I know I can make you
a better dancer.Copy !req
472. And I – I'd like
very much to do that.Copy !req
473. Stay?Copy !req
474. Are you gonna keep
yelling at me?Copy !req
475. Probably.Copy !req
476. Five, six, seven, eight.
One and two...Copy !req
477. three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, one, two.Copy !req
478. One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, one, two.Copy !req
479. - Better.
- All right!Copy !req
480. Breathe deep. Again.Copy !req
481. Hold it.Copy !req
482. All right,
you can turn around now.Copy !req
483. Breathe deep.Copy !req
484. Again.Copy !req
485. All right, you can put
your shirt on now.Copy !req
486. Well, Doctor?
Does he pass?Copy !req
487. Good.
Now I'm worth a million dollars.Copy !req
488. That's only if you die
before February 1.Copy !req
489. Schedules, Goldie –
always schedules.Copy !req
490. Can we take you to lunch,
Doctor?Copy !req
491. - five, six, seven, eight.Copy !req
492. Nah, that's no good either.
Let's try this.Copy !req
493. - There's your 412th.
- I do the same as before?Copy !req
494. Yeah, same thing,
only I'll be behind you. Ready?Copy !req
495. Two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.Copy !req
496. All right, let's everybody try it.Copy !req
497. Grab a partner.
Sandahl, you do it alone.Copy !req
498. Okay, here we go.
Ready?Copy !req
499. Five, six, seven –Copy !req
500. And feet together.
Five, six, seven, eight.Copy !req
501. Do it again.Copy !req
502. Once more, everybody.Copy !req
503. Ready?
Five, six, seven –Copy !req
504. Three, four, five,
six, seven, eight.Copy !req
505. Okay.Copy !req
506. Okay, once more, everybody.Copy !req
507. I gotta get out of here.
I'll be back later.Copy !req
508. - How does this look, Paul?
- I love it. Love it.Copy !req
509. No. It's too cute.Copy !req
510. I can't go back to that room.
I can't face those dancers.Copy !req
511. I'm stuck.Copy !req
512. They keep staring at me,
and nothing's coming out.Copy !req
513. - Oh, boy, that number's lousy!
- My song? Lousy?Copy !req
514. No, not the song.
Me, me.Copy !req
515. The way I'm staging it.Copy !req
516. - Maybe we should cut it.
- "Cut it"?Copy !req
517. I think I'll leave.Copy !req
518. Paul, sit right there.Copy !req
519. Go back to bar 17.Copy !req
520. - And –Copy !req
521. Did you hear what I said?
Nothing is coming.Copy !req
522. Don't worry, Paul.Copy !req
523. He always says the same thing
about every number in every show.Copy !req
524. How the hell do you know
what I always say?Copy !req
525. Don't you think
it would be better if I stepped outside?Copy !req
526. Keep playing, Paul.Copy !req
527. I'm only doing this show
because you want to play
that stupid 24-year-old girl.Copy !req
528. I knew sooner or later
you'd say that.Copy !req
529. You do think
I'm too old for the part.Copy !req
530. Well, you're wrong.Copy !req
531. I can play 24 years old...Copy !req
532. and I'll damn well prove it.Copy !req
533. You want to quit the show?
Quit the show.Copy !req
534. You don't have to do
anything for me...Copy !req
535. but just don't kid yourself
that you're doing this show...Copy !req
536. for any other reason
except guilt about me.Copy !req
537. Guilt? What guilt?Copy !req
538. For never going one day
when you were faithful to me.Copy !req
539. Oh. That guilt.Copy !req
540. Faithful, faithful!Copy !req
541. You're always talking
about being faithful.Copy !req
542. Audrey, why do you
think so small?Copy !req
543. Besides, how do I know
you were faithful to me?Copy !req
544. Oh, you know I was.Copy !req
545. That's right.
I know you were.Copy !req
546. Oh! You meant to do that.Copy !req
547. Yes, I did.Copy !req
548. You kept me working
all the time.Copy !req
549. I never had
a chance to cheat.Copy !req
550. What is this big hang-up
you've got about fidelity?Copy !req
551. What makes you think
that being faithful...Copy !req
552. is the greatest friggin' virtue
in the world?Copy !req
553. Excuse me. Well...Copy !req
554. it is a great deal better
than those...Copy !req
555. meaningless affairs
you keep tap-dancing through –Copy !req
556. those Stacys, those Victorias.Copy !req
557. You're not even fooling Michelle
with Victoria, you know.Copy !req
558. Straighten that leg.Copy !req
559. It is as straight
as it's ever going to get.Copy !req
560. Oh! The Bonnies...Copy !req
561. the Wendys, the Debbies,
the Donnas –Copy !req
562. I can't even remember all their names.
Give me a hand.Copy !req
563. Keep playing, Paul.Copy !req
564. Bet you can't either.Copy !req
565. Quick, tell me: What was the name
of the girl in Philadelphia...Copy !req
566. the blonde
with the television show?Copy !req
567. Ah. The blonde
with the television show.Copy !req
568. The blonde in Philadelphia?
I remember that girl's name.Copy !req
569. I remember because
that girl meant something to me.Copy !req
570. The blonde with the television show,
her name was Sweetheart.Copy !req
571. - Honey?
- No.Copy !req
572. Baby?Copy !req
573. I can't remember her name.Copy !req
574. Dorothy.Copy !req
575. - Dorothy.
- Who cares?Copy !req
576. I can't remember her name.Copy !req
577. The number's looking good.
Keep working.Copy !req
578. - Is he gonna cut the number?
- No, I don't think so, Paul.Copy !req
579. He's gonna cut it.
He's gonna cut it.Copy !req
580. Oh, God, that man!Copy !req
581. He's gonna drive me crazy.Copy !req
582. It's showtime, folks.Copy !req
583. It's, uh –
It's not quite ready yet.Copy !req
584. And, uh, Paul...Copy !req
585. it's not exactly the way
we talked about it.Copy !req
586. - Hmm?
- It's a little different.Copy !req
587. - You mind doing that somewhere else?
- Sorry.Copy !req
588. If you want to come in,
I'll show you in five minutes.Copy !req
589. I want to get
a drink of water.Copy !req
590. Thanks, thanks a lot,
but it's not exactly over yet.Copy !req
591. - Murray?
- Smoke, smoke...Copy !req
592. - smoke, smoke.Copy !req
593. The lights go down,
and a light comes up over there.Copy !req
594. Welcome aboard Airotica.Copy !req
595. Flying not only coast-to-coast –Copy !req
596. But anywhere your desires
and fantasies wish to take you.Copy !req
597. Let us all
get to know one another.Copy !req
598. Remember:
We can take you anywhere.Copy !req
599. - They're taking their clothes off.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
600. Just reach out your hand
and introduce yourselves.Copy !req
601. - My name is Sandahl.
- My name is Autumn.Copy !req
602. - My name is Jennifer.
- My name is Rima.Copy !req
603. - Gary.
- John.Copy !req
604. Uh-oh.Copy !req
605. I think we just lost
the family audience.Copy !req
606. - My name is Candace.
- My name is Jennifer.Copy !req
607. - My name is Rima.
- My name is Danny.
- My name is Autumn.Copy !req
608. - My name is Sandahl.
- My name is John.
- My name is Gary.Copy !req
609. And don't forget
about our group fun-fun-fun plan.Copy !req
610. Now Sinatra will never record it.Copy !req
611. Then an actor comes out
from the side of the stage and says...Copy !req
612. "Not once during any of our flights –"Copy !req
613. - Good-bye.
- See you around.Copy !req
614. - Hope to see you again soon.
- It was nice to have met you.Copy !req
615. - You mean a lot to me.
- Well, uh –Copy !req
616. - Good-bye.
- "Our motto is...Copy !req
617. 'We take you everywhere
but get you nowhere."'Copy !req
618. I hate to hurt his feelings...Copy !req
619. but we can't have that on a stage.
- Take five?Copy !req
620. - Sure.
- Take five.Copy !req
621. Well?Copy !req
622. Eh, it's, um –Copy !req
623. It's, uh...Copy !req
624. interesting.Copy !req
625. Mm, yes.
Very interesting.Copy !req
626. Did you like it?Copy !req
627. - It's unusual.
- Mm-hmm. Very unusual.Copy !req
628. Ooh, I don't think they liked it.Copy !req
629. What do you think?Copy !req
630. I don't know about the audiences...Copy !req
631. but I think it's the best work
you've ever done.Copy !req
632. You son of a bitch.Copy !req
633. Jesus Christ!
Sex, sex, sex!Copy !req
634. Can't he ever think
of anything else but sex?Copy !req
635. It's a sickness.Copy !req
636. Nah. Nothing I ever do
is good enough.Copy !req
637. It's not beautiful enough,
it's not funny enough...Copy !req
638. it's not deep enough,
it's not anything enough.Copy !req
639. Now, when I see a rose,
that's perfect.Copy !req
640. I mean, that's perfect.Copy !req
641. I want to look up to God and say,
"How the hell did you do that...Copy !req
642. and why the hell can't I?"Copy !req
643. That's probably
one of your better con lines.Copy !req
644. It is, but that doesn't mean
I don't mean it.Copy !req
645. - If I were God –Copy !req
646. sometimes I think I am –Copy !req
647. Depends on the shit
you're smoking.Copy !req
648. If I were God, man...Copy !req
649. everybody would live forever.Copy !req
650. No death, man.
No pennies on the eyes for anybody.Copy !req
651. You know, man,
death is really a hip thing now.Copy !req
652. Death is in.Copy !req
653. - Books, magazine articles, TV shows...
- It's terrific!Copy !req
654. Ken and Barbie dolls
who have a mutual suicide pact.Copy !req
655. Bury them in a little shoebox.
Knew a guy who bought a pair.Copy !req
656. - He was into doll necrophilia.Copy !req
657. If it cooks!Copy !req
658. All right, little thing!
Whoo!Copy !req
659. It's terrific!Copy !req
660. There's a lady in Chicago, man,
wrote a book –Copy !req
661. Dr. Kübler-Ross, with a dash.Copy !req
662. This chick, man,
without the benefit of dying herself...Copy !req
663. has broken the process of death
into five stages –Copy !req
664. anger, denial, bargaining,
depression, and acceptance.Copy !req
665. - That's it. Eddie.
- Kill it, Irv.Copy !req
666. - Got time to make some changes?
- Not and make the screening tonight, no.Copy !req
667. - I cannot believe
people are gonna see this.
- Neither can I.Copy !req
668. - It's a bomb.
- Really?Copy !req
669. Yeah, really.
You're gonna have to make a speech.Copy !req
670. Tell 'em it's a rough cut,
we're not finished yet...Copy !req
671. - or any excuse you can think of.
- Why don't you tell 'em?Copy !req
672. - I'm not gonna be there.
- You're not coming to the screening?Copy !req
673. - Where you gonna be?
- Hiding someplace.Copy !req
674. Probably vomiting or drinking –
or both.Copy !req
675. We'll start recutting
Monday morning.Copy !req
676. They really bought that love story?Copy !req
677. Oh, I'm sorry.
I wasn't answering the phone.Copy !req
678. I think they told me
they liked it.Copy !req
679. Just wasn't answering
the phone.Copy !req
680. Come on.
Don't bullshit a bullshitter.Copy !req
681. No, I don't believe you would.Copy !req
682. I'll have her home by 10:30.
Don't worry.Copy !req
683. - Bye.Copy !req
684. - Oh, shit!Copy !req
685. Hello. Stacy?Copy !req
686. Oh, listen. I'm sorry.
I'm in a meeting.Copy !req
687. Just don't panic
on the staircase.Copy !req
688. At least three people said
how much they liked the screening.Copy !req
689. One was my producer...Copy !req
690. one was my lawyer,
and one was Michelle's mother.Copy !req
691. Joe, everybody loved it.Copy !req
692. We tried to tell you that last night.
You wouldn't listen.Copy !req
693. That was the first R-rated movie
I ever saw, and I loved it.Copy !req
694. - Did you understand it?
- Well, I understood everything...Copy !req
695. except the part where the two girls
were in bed together kissing.Copy !req
696. What was that
supposed to mean?Copy !req
697. - Is dinner ready yet?
- No.Copy !req
698. - What was that supposed to mean?
- Well, Michelle...Copy !req
699. uh, there are
certain women who –Copy !req
700. - Who...?
- Thanks a lot.Copy !req
701. Yeah.Copy !req
702. There are certain women
who just...Copy !req
703. don't relate to men, so they –Copy !req
704. I think lesbian scenes
are a big turn-off.Copy !req
705. You're right:
I should've cut it.Copy !req
706. - What's goin' on here?
- Never mind. You'll find out.Copy !req
707. - Couldn't I be doin' something?
- Just sit there and turn off the lights
when we tell you.Copy !req
708. - Turn on the phonograph
when we tell you.
- Yes, ma'am.Copy !req
709. Oh, no! No, don't –Copy !req
710. - Where'd you get those hats?
- We're not telling you.Copy !req
711. - That's for us to know and you to find out.
- Get back!Copy !req
712. - The lights!
- Joe, could you turn off the lights?Copy !req
713. Now turn on those
whatchamacallit lights.Copy !req
714. Yes, ma'am.Copy !req
715. Crash!
Ladies and gentlemen, in honor...Copy !req
716. of "el stink-o,"
"el blotto" screening...Copy !req
717. of Joe Gideon's new film,
The Stand-up...Copy !req
718. we are proud to present...Copy !req
719. those two dancing sensations,
Jagger and Gideon –Copy !req
720. - Gideon and Jagger! –
- Gideon and Jagger! –Copy !req
721. give us our music, Joe –
in an under-rehearsed tribute.Copy !req
722. - Sit down, Joe.
- Sit down, Daddy.Copy !req
723. And... go!Copy !req
724. - I'm nervous.
- I'm nervous too.Copy !req
725. - Wait for it.
- Wait for it.Copy !req
726. Let's go, let's go!Copy !req
727. - Can we do it again?
- I don't want to!Copy !req
728. It's showtime, folks.Copy !req
729. And these two columns revolve
New York to L.A.Copy !req
730. And over here on the other side,
the same thing.Copy !req
731. Two staircases
come down here...Copy !req
732. and two more come back
into the orchestra.Copy !req
733. Oh, and this centerpiece
moves out...Copy !req
734. for the interior scenes...Copy !req
735. and up there, that's Stan.Copy !req
736. But you'll get familiar with it
when we start.Copy !req
737. Okay, now,
all I want to do now...Copy !req
738. is to read easily
through the script...Copy !req
739. and frankly,
I'm not too familiar with it myself.Copy !req
740. So if we go through it...Copy !req
741. you'll give Paul and me
some rough idea of what we've got.Copy !req
742. Okay. No acting.Copy !req
743. Everyone just take it easy.
Easy.Copy !req
744. All right, lights up.Copy !req
745. Audrey, you have
your first number...Copy !req
746. and then you begin reading
on page two.Copy !req
747. "You see, Sammy, in California,
everybody needs a car.Copy !req
748. I got a friend who bought a Mercedes
just to get to the bathroom."Copy !req
749. "I guess only in America...Copy !req
750. can a 24-year-old girl like me...Copy !req
751. own a house like this
in Beverly Hills."Copy !req
752. Thank you all very much.
You've done a wonderful job.Copy !req
753. Take an hour and a half for lunch.
Back at 3:00.Copy !req
754. Don't forget to sign
the Boston hotel list.Copy !req
755. - Excuse me.
- Anything wrong?Copy !req
756. No, no. Nothing.Copy !req
757. - There's no use to panic
till we find out what it really is.
- Would you stop that?Copy !req
758. Dr. Ballinger is looking at him now.
Ballinger is the best there is, Audrey.Copy !req
759. - Dr. Hyman, we just left him.
- About half an hour ago.Copy !req
760. - And he seemed fine.
- Just fine.Copy !req
761. Well, he called. He said he had
chest pains. His left arm was numb.Copy !req
762. I'm bewildered myself.
I checked him about a month ago.Copy !req
763. All right, who's in charge
of this all-important...Copy !req
764. million-dollar show that
Mr. Gideon keeps talking about?Copy !req
765. I guess I am.Copy !req
766. Mr. Gideon is having attacks of angina
that could lead to a massive coronary.Copy !req
767. Ah, shit! I gotta get back.
I'm fine. What do doctors know?Copy !req
768. About angina,
just a little more than show people.Copy !req
769. If you want to leave, fine,
but I think you'll die. Can I see you?Copy !req
770. Dr. Hyman?Copy !req
771. The pain is gone. Nothing wrong
with me a rewrite wouldn't cure.Copy !req
772. - Couple of good jokes is what I need.
- You can't leave now.Copy !req
773. - Yes, I can.
- Damn it, Joe!Copy !req
774. Didn't you hear
what the doctor just said?Copy !req
775. Please, stay.Copy !req
776. Joey, I've been talking
to Dr. Ballinger –Copy !req
777. Jonesy, wait a minute.
Let me talk to the star here.Copy !req
778. If I stay, how much time
are we talking about?Copy !req
779. At least two or three weeks.Copy !req
780. You've got to be kidding!Copy !req
781. I got a show to put on!Copy !req
782. For chrissakes,
will you talk to these people?Copy !req
783. They don't understand anything!Copy !req
784. Oh, Jesus.Copy !req
785. - What's wrong?
- Miss Collins.Copy !req
786. - All right, easy.
- Damn it.Copy !req
787. You guys are doing this to me.Copy !req
788. I wasn't sick until I got here.Copy !req
789. - What's wrong with him?
- It's exhaustion.Copy !req
790. You're lying to me.Copy !req
791. Yes.Copy !req
792. Uh, no, I'm not a member
of his immediate family.Copy !req
793. I'm, uh – I'm his girlfriend.Copy !req
794. Well, could I leave a message
for him, please?Copy !req
795. It was just simply exhaustion.Copy !req
796. He just tried to do too much.Copy !req
797. Anyway...Copy !req
798. we've made a decision
to postpone the show for four months.Copy !req
799. - The doctors assured us Joe will be fine.
- There goes my new apartment.Copy !req
800. Therefore the show
will definitely be done. I promise.Copy !req
801. Now, we're aware of the...Copy !req
802. - financial burdens this might impose...
- I gave up a TV series.Copy !req
803. - on some of you, and...
- What a dummy.Copy !req
804. we're prepared
to try to get you...Copy !req
805. temporary jobs,
or even lend you money.Copy !req
806. Jonesy, easy on the money,
easy on the money.Copy !req
807. All right, Larry.
All right, okay.Copy !req
808. We don't have
a lot of cash available, but...Copy !req
809. what I'd like to say to you is...Copy !req
810. I – we –Copy !req
811. think of you all as family.Copy !req
812. - Bullshit.
- And we want to do...Copy !req
813. everything we possibly can...Copy !req
814. to keep you all together.Copy !req
815. I was with him last night.
Already he's much better.Copy !req
816. - I just left him an hour ago.Copy !req
817. He was in a great mood –
making jokes...Copy !req
818. - making passes at all the nurses...Copy !req
819. and he told me to tell all of you
he has a terrific idea...Copy !req
820. - for a new hospital number.
- Hold it, Audrey!Copy !req
821. Hospital number,
hospital number!Copy !req
822. Just give me a minute.
Stan, will you give me some room?Copy !req
823. - How does the title
"Hospital Hop" grab you?
- It grabs me.Copy !req
824. - Great, great.Copy !req
825. - I think I got it. I got it!
- I think he's got it!Copy !req
826. Stan, help me out, please.Copy !req
827. Clap your hands!Copy !req
828. - Cheer up!Copy !req
829. Let's go! Everybody!Copy !req
830. they are without question
an absolutely...Copy !req
831. marvelous cast.Copy !req
832. Now we gotta wait around
four months.Copy !req
833. Maybe even lose them.Copy !req
834. I can see where it'd be difficult
to hold a cast like that together.Copy !req
835. It's really a shame.Copy !req
836. And, of course,
even after four months...Copy !req
837. a heart attack –Copy !req
838. There's no guarantee
that he'll be able to work.Copy !req
839. None.Copy !req
840. Jules, it's still too bright.Copy !req
841. - Take number seven down to five...
- And he's the greatest.Copy !req
842. - and eight down to two.
- Hmm.Copy !req
843. And Lucas,
I think we have a sure hit.Copy !req
844. A sure hit.Copy !req
845. Reads like a dream.Copy !req
846. I'd love to read it sometime.Copy !req
847. I'll get a copy to you
this afternoon.Copy !req
848. Oh, I forgot. Wait a minute.Copy !req
849. - I've got one right here with me.Copy !req
850. Dimmer five up to three.Copy !req
851. Hold that. That's good.Copy !req
852. I know you couldn't care less
about the money.Copy !req
853. - Hmm?
- What do you think about this, Lucas?Copy !req
854. Is it any better?Copy !req
855. No. No, no.
It needs to be more... shadowy.Copy !req
856. We talked about this, Jules.Copy !req
857. It's a seduction scene.Copy !req
858. Take the shadow lights to half.Copy !req
859. How much, uh... is Joe getting?Copy !req
860. Five percent of the gross
until payoff.Copy !req
861. Then he goes to six percent.
Twenty percent of subsidiary rights...Copy !req
862. - including a movie sale.
- Thanks. That's good.Copy !req
863. Well...Copy !req
864. of course my schedule's
impossible, but, uh...Copy !req
865. you know how I feel
about you, Jonesy.Copy !req
866. You've been
like a father to me.Copy !req
867. And you a son to me.Copy !req
868. I always look for the worst in people.Copy !req
869. A piece of you in them?Copy !req
870. Yeah. A piece of me.Copy !req
871. And generally, I find it.Copy !req
872. Well, it may take you years,
but you'll find it.Copy !req
873. Oh, you're cute. You are cute.Copy !req
874. It's looking better.Copy !req
875. I think we'll move you upstairs
to a private room.Copy !req
876. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
877. But you better rest.
If you don't, you're in for trouble.Copy !req
878. Oh, I will, Doctor.Copy !req
879. I promise. I will.Copy !req
880. Mr. Gideon!Copy !req
881. Mr. Gideon, what are you doing?Copy !req
882. Oh, this?
I was just getting rid of it.Copy !req
883. I caught someone smoking
and told him a man in my condition...Copy !req
884. shouldn't even be around smoke.Copy !req
885. I'm telling you, Gideon,
I got real insight into you.Copy !req
886. There's a deep-rooted fear
of being conventional.Copy !req
887. Right.Copy !req
888. Your blood pressure
is higher than we hoped.Copy !req
889. Your cardiograms
haven't improved one bit.Copy !req
890. If you don't give a damn,
it's hard to expect us to.Copy !req
891. Mr. Gideon!Copy !req
892. I'll leave these menus with you.Copy !req
893. Please check off what you want
for the coming weeks, okay?Copy !req
894. Monday, I'll have roast beef.
Tuesday, chicken. Wednesday, steak.Copy !req
895. Thursday I plan to be dead,
so... I'll just have something light.Copy !req
896. Mr. Gideon!Copy !req
897. She wrote a little note on the back.
She said you'd understand.Copy !req
898. "Dear loving, giving, generous" –Copy !req
899. underlined four times – "Dad...Copy !req
900. I hear nurses are nice people.
Hint, hint.Copy !req
901. Your poor,
brother-less daughter."Copy !req
902. Joe, what does it mean?Copy !req
903. It means she's inherited
her mother's determination.Copy !req
904. That's what it means.Copy !req
905. Oh, no. Thank you.
No, no, no, no.Copy !req
906. You're wonderful, wonderful.
The word "superstar"...Copy !req
907. is greatly overused
in this business.Copy !req
908. - Mm.
- But for my next guest...Copy !req
909. the word "superstar"
is totally inadequate.Copy !req
910. Whenever I do a benefit –
and I've done 1 50, 1 60, 1 70 this year...Copy !req
911. all for very worthy causes –
I can always count on this dude...Copy !req
912. to be right there with me.Copy !req
913. I feel humbled in his presence.Copy !req
914. From deep, deep in here,
ladies and gentlemen...Copy !req
915. - let me lay on you...
- A great entertainer.Copy !req
916. - a great entertainer...
- A great humanitarian.Copy !req
917. - a great humanitarian...
- And my dear friend for 25 years.Copy !req
918. and my dearest, dearest friend
for 20 years –Copy !req
919. You missed by five years.Copy !req
920. Oh, boy,
do I hate show business.Copy !req
921. Joey, you love show business.Copy !req
922. That's right. I love show business.
I'll go either way.Copy !req
923. I got insight into you, Gideon.Copy !req
924. You know what's underneath?Copy !req
925. The dreadful fear
that you're ordinary...Copy !req
926. not special.Copy !req
927. Right.Copy !req
928. I think –Copy !req
929. I think...Copy !req
930. I'm getting an erection.Copy !req
931. Oh, Mr. Gideon, don't –
don't do that!Copy !req
932. That sex thing – Jesus!Copy !req
933. Listen, I wouldn't say
you were a faggot...Copy !req
934. but you do have a lot
of feminine characteristics.Copy !req
935. Right?Copy !req
936. Right.Copy !req
937. You are foolishly and childishly
flirting with disaster.Copy !req
938. Joe, what are you doing?Copy !req
939. You're really crazy!
What do you want to do, kill yourself?Copy !req
940. Dr. Ballinger told me
to get a little exercise.Copy !req
941. Everything he does seems to be
a denial of his condition.Copy !req
942. Dr. Ballinger, every time I've seen him,
I get the impression...Copy !req
943. that he doesn't care
whether he lives or dies.Copy !req
944. Yes, I know.
But I think he cares a lot.Copy !req
945. Starting now, we'll limit
his visitors to no more than two.Copy !req
946. Joe, I wish
you could have been there.Copy !req
947. 9:30 this morning,
before a single review was out...Copy !req
948. the line at Cinema One
was around the block.Copy !req
949. The people know.
I mean, the people know!Copy !req
950. This broke every first-day record.
It's a blockbuster. A blockbuster.Copy !req
951. I mean a blockbuster!Copy !req
952. And those guys in California –Copy !req
953. You wouldn't believe
the telephone calls.Copy !req
954. "Congratulations," they say.
"We're glad you took your time.Copy !req
955. It was worth it.Copy !req
956. Every dollar we put in that film
is up there on the screen."Copy !req
957. I'm telling you, they're talking about
a $31 /2 million advertising budget.Copy !req
958. Three and a half million dollars!Copy !req
959. I'm sorry. Excuse me.
Do you believe that?Copy !req
960. Three and a half million dollars!Copy !req
961. This picture is going
right through the roof.Copy !req
962. Right through...Copy !req
963. the roof!Copy !req
964. Look at those reviews.
See? We did it.Copy !req
965. Joe, we did it!Copy !req
966. Where are the bad ones?Copy !req
967. There are no bad ones.Copy !req
968. Josh.Copy !req
969. There were a couple
that quibbled a little.
I left them at the office.Copy !req
970. I want you to do me a favor:
Don't show them to me.Copy !req
971. Never.Copy !req
972. - How were the television reviews?
- I think we got Leslie Perry.Copy !req
973. At the screening,
she told me she loved it.Copy !req
974. Following Joe Gideon's
triumphant directorial achievement...Copy !req
975. with Fifty Beautiful Girls, Fifty...Copy !req
976. when he won
every possible award...Copy !req
977. it would be nice to report
that Mr. Gideon's latest effort...Copy !req
978. The Stand-up, starring Davis Newman...Copy !req
979. was a better film.Copy !req
980. - Oh, boy. Here it comes.
- The Stand-up, however
does not quite stand up.Copy !req
981. - Joey, turn it off, please.
- Leaning toward the frenetic,
Gideon falls...Copy !req
982. into his characteristic weakness
of trying too hard...Copy !req
983. - to please, to entertain.
- I'm gonna turn that off.Copy !req
984. - Josh, no. I want to hear it.
- Slickness obscures reality.Copy !req
985. - The old razzle-dazzle obliterates drama.
- What the hell does she know?Copy !req
986. She never gave anything
a good review.Copy !req
987. That woman is totally unqualified
to criticize anything.Copy !req
988. She doesn't know
a goddamn thing about film.Copy !req
989. - Or anything.
- She's not even reviewing a film.Copy !req
990. She's telling you
how clever she is!Copy !req
991. where the has-been comic,
played impeccably by Davis Newman...Copy !req
992. demonstrates
his former brilliance...Copy !req
993. in a monologue where clearly...Copy !req
994. director Gideon gave
Mr. Newman free rein.Copy !req
995. Rising above
rather commonplace material...Copy !req
996. - the actor creates a classic comic aura –
- I don't care what she says.Copy !req
997. I guarantee this picture
will do 30 million domestic, at least.Copy !req
998. - One of you better get somebody.
- What?Copy !req
999. I think I'm in trouble.Copy !req
1000. - I'll get somebody.
- ... chopping off ends of scenes
before the drama has played out...Copy !req
1001. left this reviewer
with bewilderment...Copy !req
1002. and a four-aspirin headache.Copy !req
1003. Using my four-balloon
rating system...Copy !req
1004. I give The Stand-up
half a balloon.Copy !req
1005. - How are you feeling?
- The truth?Copy !req
1006. I'm scared.Copy !req
1007. Roll 'em. Action.Copy !req
1008. Oh-ho-ho-ho, my God.Copy !req
1009. Ladies and gentlemen,
the doctors.Copy !req
1010. I'm Dr. Hyman, the internist.Copy !req
1011. I'm Dr. Garry, the surgeon.Copy !req
1012. - I'm Dr. Ballinger, the cardiologist.
- Five, six, seven, eight.Copy !req
1013. - That means he had total blockage...Copy !req
1014. - in... two arteries.Copy !req
1015. Oh!Copy !req
1016. This is the man
who would be my first choice...Copy !req
1017. as a modern-day saint.Copy !req
1018. When I was in those marches,
like Selma...Copy !req
1019. this brother was shufflin'
right alongside me...Copy !req
1020. long before those other cats
who thought civil rights
was a hip scene...Copy !req
1021. and jumped
on the "blackwagon"–Copy !req
1022. The blackwagon!Copy !req
1023. Ladies and gentlemen,
let me lay on ya...Copy !req
1024. - A great entertainer.
- a great entertainer...Copy !req
1025. - A great humanitarian.
- a great humanitarian...Copy !req
1026. - And my dearest friend.
- and my dearest, dearest friend...Copy !req
1027. - For years.
- for 17 years.Copy !req
1028. - Let's hear it –Copy !req
1029. - See how much I learn from you?
- I'm afraid you've learned too much.Copy !req
1030. There you are, Mr. Gideon.
This is one of my...Copy !req
1031. A1, first-rate,
top-drawer jobs.Copy !req
1032. That's it.Copy !req
1033. Good luck tomorrow.Copy !req
1034. Wh-What did you mean,
I learned too much from you?Copy !req
1035. You're gonna make it.
I'm hardly ever wrong.Copy !req
1036. Thanks.Copy !req
1037. You remember last Tuesday night?Copy !req
1038. It was raining...Copy !req
1039. very hard.Copy !req
1040. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was raining.
What about it?Copy !req
1041. I called you at midnight.Copy !req
1042. I must have been
walking the dog.Copy !req
1043. I don't have time
for this sort of thing.Copy !req
1044. You were with someone.Copy !req
1045. Yes.Copy !req
1046. And you made love to him.Copy !req
1047. Yeah.Copy !req
1048. Well, that's it, huh?Copy !req
1049. - We're finished?
- I don't know.Copy !req
1050. How do you feel about me?Copy !req
1051. I love you.Copy !req
1052. Then I guess we're not finished.Copy !req
1053. Be-Because I really do
love you, Katie.Copy !req
1054. - You mean that?
- Ah, hell, no!Copy !req
1055. I was pissed off at her.Copy !req
1056. I don't know.Copy !req
1057. Yeah, I did mean it. Sort of.Copy !req
1058. Sometimes I don't know where
the bullshit ends and the truth begins.Copy !req
1059. I just wanted to say
something nice to her.Copy !req
1060. Why?Copy !req
1061. In case, uh –Copy !req
1062. "In case."Copy !req
1063. In case.Copy !req
1064. If I die...Copy !req
1065. I'm sorry for all...Copy !req
1066. the bad things I did to you.Copy !req
1067. And if I live...Copy !req
1068. I'm sorry for all the bad things...Copy !req
1069. I'm gonna do to you.Copy !req
1070. as stated in the declarations,
sustained directly and solely...Copy !req
1071. as the result of injury, sickness,
death of, or permanent disability –Copy !req
1072. Excuse me, Mr. Clark.Copy !req
1073. Larry, give me our figures.Copy !req
1074. Well, on an estimated
production budget...Copy !req
1075. of $941,000...Copy !req
1076. with a contingency of 59,000
to round it out to the million...Copy !req
1077. so far we're in for at least
two-thirds of the fees.Copy !req
1078. 8,000.
8,000.Copy !req
1079. 4,000.Copy !req
1080. We're in for the full
director-choreographer: 15,000.Copy !req
1081. Casting is another four.Copy !req
1082. Construction of scenery...Copy !req
1083. where more than half
has been done...Copy !req
1084. that's 125,000-plus.Copy !req
1085. Stage manager's about 8,000.Copy !req
1086. Press agent: 1,500.Copy !req
1087. about two.Copy !req
1088. Assistants, secretaries,
et cetera: 3,000.Copy !req
1089. Rehearsal halls
and auditions: 9,500.Copy !req
1090. Script and administrative: 1,500.Copy !req
1091. I'd say 10.Copy !req
1092. Advertising and printing:
about 20,000.Copy !req
1093. so far around 10,000.Copy !req
1094. 10,000.
2,000.Copy !req
1095. Payroll taxes: maybe seven.Copy !req
1096. Well, seven.Copy !req
1097. Author's advances: 10,000.
Equity bonds: 50,000.Copy !req
1098. Rehearsal salaries – and we've made
some advances to a few of the cast –Copy !req
1099. about 43,000.Copy !req
1100. We're in for about, uh –Copy !req
1101. $480,500.Copy !req
1102. Yes.Copy !req
1103. That's the figure I had here.Copy !req
1104. And change.Copy !req
1105. Let me try to understand.Copy !req
1106. Of that figure,
how much do we recoup?Copy !req
1107. I'm confused too.
Do we get all of that or part or what?Copy !req
1108. Simply, here are the options.Copy !req
1109. If Mr. Gideon recovers...Copy !req
1110. and you resume production
within the 180 days...Copy !req
1111. we are not liable for any of it.Copy !req
1112. If Mr. Gideon should die...Copy !req
1113. and you resume production with
another director within the 180 days...Copy !req
1114. we are still not liable.Copy !req
1115. Three, however:Copy !req
1116. If Mr. Gideon should expire
before February 1 ...Copy !req
1117. and you abandon production...Copy !req
1118. we are liable
for the full million dollars.Copy !req
1119. This means, gentlemen...Copy !req
1120. you could make a profit of...Copy !req
1121. $519,500.Copy !req
1122. You could be
the first show on Broadway...Copy !req
1123. to make a profit
without really opening.Copy !req
1124. Well...Copy !req
1125. it's all very clear to me.Copy !req
1126. There's all this bullshit
about death with dignity.Copy !req
1127. You know what death
with dignity is, man?Copy !req
1128. - You don't drool.Copy !req
1129. Change-of-pace time.
Request. Here we go.Copy !req
1130. Vic O'Dante. Hey!Copy !req
1131. - Please don't try to talk.Copy !req
1132. - You want to shoot it now?
- Huh?Copy !req
1133. I can't understand him.
I think he said "okay."Copy !req
1134. "Hospital Hallucination," take one.Copy !req
1135. There's a lady in Chicago, man,
wrote a book.Copy !req
1136. Dr. Kübler-Ross, with a dash.
This chick, man...Copy !req
1137. - without the benefit of dying herself...
- On your marks, now.Copy !req
1138. has broken the process of death
into five stages –Copy !req
1139. - Ready? And –
- Anger, denial, bargaining...Copy !req
1140. depression, and acceptance.Copy !req
1141. - Playback.Copy !req
1142. - Cut!Copy !req
1143. Want to print it?Copy !req
1144. Jesus, Joe, you're way behind schedule!
You gotta print it.Copy !req
1145. - Next setup.
- Roll 'em.Copy !req
1146. "Katie," take two.Copy !req
1147. Listen, huh?Copy !req
1148. - Playback!Copy !req
1149. Can you hear me, Joe?
I'm talkin' to ya.Copy !req
1150. - Ya gotta lay off the booze, Joe.
- Ax the amphetamines.Copy !req
1151. You gotta stop
screwin' around, Daddy.Copy !req
1152. - Please?
- Cut!Copy !req
1153. - Huh?Copy !req
1154. - Print it.
- "Old Friends," take three.Copy !req
1155. - Playback.Copy !req
1156. - And we cried a lot.
- Oh, a lot.Copy !req
1157. You didn't listen, Daddy.
You didn't listen.Copy !req
1158. - Cut!Copy !req
1159. You blew it.
You forgot your line.Copy !req
1160. At the end of this number,
you're supposed to say, uh –Copy !req
1161. - What's he supposed to say?
- He's supposed to say...Copy !req
1162. "I don't want to die.
I want to live."Copy !req
1163. Well, look,
if you can't say it, you can't.Copy !req
1164. We'll just have to cut it.Copy !req
1165. Cut it. Take me up.
Next setup.Copy !req
1166. A lot.Copy !req
1167. Oh, no.Copy !req
1168. You don't have any lines here.Copy !req
1169. Real dead body. Real dead body.Copy !req
1170. And... sticks.Copy !req
1171. Please don't try to talk.Copy !req
1172. If you want to tell me anything,
just write it on this pad.Copy !req
1173. No. No. Come on, not now.Copy !req
1174. Please leave.Copy !req
1175. - Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm sure. Just go.Copy !req
1176. "Am I alive?"Copy !req
1177. All right, Joe.Copy !req
1178. Yes, you are alive.Copy !req
1179. - This is gonna hurt a little.Copy !req
1180. Hmm.Copy !req
1181. That came out nice.Copy !req
1182. Miss Paris, would you like
to see something nice?Copy !req
1183. Oh, that is beautiful!Copy !req
1184. That is an absolutely
beautiful scar, Dr. Garry.Copy !req
1185. - Mm. Thank you.
- How soon do you think
he'll be able to work?Copy !req
1186. Well, he's out of intensive care,
back in a private room.Copy !req
1187. The doctor says
it's just a matter of rest.Copy !req
1188. Two months at the outside.Copy !req
1189. You know Joey. This morning
he said he could hardly wait.Copy !req
1190. Said he had a lot of new ideas.Copy !req
1191. Mm. And not
all that sex stuff, either.Copy !req
1192. Well, that's terrific.Copy !req
1193. You must feel really good
about that, Jonesy.Copy !req
1194. Relieved.
We're all relieved.Copy !req
1195. Check, please.Copy !req
1196. I did some thinking about your script
and made a few notes.Copy !req
1197. Ah! My.Copy !req
1198. Use them, don't use them –
you know, whatever you want.Copy !req
1199. I hate to bother you,
but are you... Lucas Sergeant?Copy !req
1200. - Yes.
- Would you mind?Copy !req
1201. No, no. Not at all.Copy !req
1202. I'm an actress, and next to Joe Gideon,
you're my favorite director.Copy !req
1203. I'm so sorry
your show was a flop.Copy !req
1204. - Best of luck with your career.
- Thank you so much.Copy !req
1205. Lucas, you put in
an awful lot of work on this.Copy !req
1206. I'm moved.Copy !req
1207. - Yoo-hoo! Teddy!
- For somebody to do
something like this just –Copy !req
1208. just out of friendship,
it touches me.Copy !req
1209. Listen, what are friends for?
We're all rooting for each other.Copy !req
1210. I'm just pleased
that Joe is well again.Copy !req
1211. - Let me get this.
- No, Lucas. This is on me.Copy !req
1212. I said I'll get this.Copy !req
1213. I can't believe it.Copy !req
1214. Joe, what's the matter?Copy !req
1215. I'm having a heart attack.Copy !req
1216. No, that's impossible,
Mr. Gideon.Copy !req
1217. I just gave you your medication.Copy !req
1218. Goddamn it,
he knows the symptoms!Copy !req
1219. Will you call somebody, please?Copy !req
1220. He can't be in pain...Copy !req
1221. - but let me take his pulse.
- How can it be?Copy !req
1222. Goddamn it, get somebody!Copy !req
1223. But I just gave you
your medication 20 minutes ago.Copy !req
1224. You can't possibly be in pain.Copy !req
1225. At least you're getting use
out of the equipment.Copy !req
1226. That's funny, Doctor.Copy !req
1227. I gotta tell you,
it hurts like a son of a bitch.Copy !req
1228. Miss Briggs, two milligrams
of morphine, please.Copy !req
1229. - What's this?
- That's my name and address.Copy !req
1230. You can send my check there.Copy !req
1231. Feeling any pain now?Copy !req
1232. - Bitch!
- What?
- No.Copy !req
1233. But something is –
something is breaking up in there.Copy !req
1234. Now, that I like.Copy !req
1235. Something's gone wrong.Copy !req
1236. All wrong.Copy !req
1237. No.Copy !req
1238. - No.
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
1239. Where's Mr. Gideon?Copy !req
1240. Anger, denial, bargaining,
depression, and acceptance.Copy !req
1241. - Anger.
- No. No.Copy !req
1242. - No! Not now.
- "Jesus Christ!Copy !req
1243. Goddamn son of a bitch,
pig-fucking bastards!"Copy !req
1244. - Not now.
- I don't know.Copy !req
1245. We were busy with an emergency,
and the next thing I noticed, he was gone.Copy !req
1246. - Denial? Denial?Copy !req
1247. "No. No, that's not me, man. No.
Oh, ho-ho!Copy !req
1248. No, somebody else, maybe,
but not me. Oh, no.Copy !req
1249. You got the wrong –
How about my mother, man?Copy !req
1250. She's old. I'm weaned.
I'm toilet-trained.Copy !req
1251. I don't need her anymore –
'Bye, Ma. You've been terrific.Copy !req
1252. I love ya! But not me."'Copy !req
1253. Oh, Jesus,
don't take me out now.Copy !req
1254. What's the matter?Copy !req
1255. Don't you like musical comedy?Copy !req
1256. Bargaining.Copy !req
1257. Finished,
or do you want to run it again?Copy !req
1258. Yes, I'd like to run it again.Copy !req
1259. I'd like to run
the whole thing again.Copy !req
1260. "Look, man, can we – Come here.Copy !req
1261. Can we sit down and talk
about this like businessmen?Copy !req
1262. A negotiation, okay?
Look, I don't want to haggle.Copy !req
1263. You'll find me
a reasonable man, man.Copy !req
1264. The blonde on East 63rd Street
I see on Tuesday nights?Copy !req
1265. Right? Gone. Finished.
I'll never see her again.Copy !req
1266. That's it.Copy !req
1267. All right,
no more hard drugs.Copy !req
1268. A little grass, maybe,
but that's it. Okay?Copy !req
1269. I promise I won't flash
on subways anymore, okay?Copy !req
1270. We got a deal? Huh? Huh? Huh?"
Guy drives a hard bargain.Copy !req
1271. What are you staring at?
I told you guys before –Copy !req
1272. too much smoking,
too much boozing,Copy !req
1273. too much screwing around,
it'll get you every time.Copy !req
1274. I'll be back.Copy !req
1275. Well, goddamn it, find him!Copy !req
1276. I want him back in ICU,
and right now! Damn fools!Copy !req
1277. Depression.Copy !req
1278. And here he is,
ladies and germs, tops in taps...Copy !req
1279. - Oh, my God!
- tap dancer extraordinaire.Copy !req
1280. - If I were God –
- "I'm dying!Copy !req
1281. - and sometimes I think I am –
- Oh, God, am I dying!Copy !req
1282. - Depends on
how much morphine I've had –
- I'm dying! Nobody's dying but me!Copy !req
1283. - I would spare
this terrific tap dancer!
- The doctor's not dying.Copy !req
1284. He's alive in Florida,
and I'm dying!"Copy !req
1285. No pennies on the eyes for me.Copy !req
1286. Please.Copy !req
1287. Right away, sir. Bye.Copy !req
1288. Come on,
we better try to find this guy.Copy !req
1289. "Oh, God!Copy !req
1290. I'm dying!Copy !req
1291. I'm paying $240 a day
for the hospital room!Copy !req
1292. At those prices, man,
who can afford to live?"Copy !req
1293. - So...Copy !req
1294. acceptance.Copy !req
1295. Oh, God!Copy !req
1296. I think you're the most beautiful thing
in the world.Copy !req
1297. And I love you.Copy !req
1298. Just a cut on the head.Copy !req
1299. Man, I won't have any trouble
at all keeping him here.Copy !req
1300. He just wants to sit around
and sing old-time songs.Copy !req
1301. Don't hurry, baby.
I'm having a pretty good time myself.Copy !req
1302. Now, Mr. Gideon,
where were we?Copy !req
1303. How did you know my name?Copy !req
1304. Eh, just found out.
They're coming to get you, you know.Copy !req
1305. I knew they would.
Can I have another?Copy !req
1306. Oh, help yourself.Copy !req
1307. Could you do it one more time?
Just for me?Copy !req
1308. Oh, yeah, I'd love to.Copy !req
1309. Five, six, seven, eight.Copy !req
1310. Hey!Copy !req
1311. Here we go.Copy !req
1312. Juicy!Copy !req
1313. - You got it.
- Five, six, seven, eight.Copy !req
1314. - Okay, mister, you come along with us.
- Nice and quiet, now.Copy !req
1315. - Please, don't cause no trouble.
- Everything's going to be fine, all right?Copy !req
1316. All right.
So long, Tiger.Copy !req
1317. Later, Gideon.Copy !req
1318. This is just a rough cut,
you know.Copy !req
1319. I don't have the titles in yet...Copy !req
1320. and the underscoring's not in.Copy !req
1321. It's not really finished.Copy !req
1322. Thank you, thank you.
Wonderful, wonderful.Copy !req
1323. Folks, what can I tell you
about my next guest?Copy !req
1324. This cat allowed himself...Copy !req
1325. to be adored but not loved...Copy !req
1326. and his success
in show business was matched...Copy !req
1327. by failure in his
personal-relationship bag.Copy !req
1328. That's where
he really bombed.Copy !req
1329. And he came to believe
that work, show business...Copy !req
1330. love, his whole life,
even himself...Copy !req
1331. and all that jazz
was bullshit.Copy !req
1332. He became
numero uno game player...Copy !req
1333. to the point
where he didn't know...Copy !req
1334. where the games ended
and the reality began.Copy !req
1335. Like, to this cat,
the only reality...Copy !req
1336. is death, man.Copy !req
1337. Ladies and gentlemen,
let me lay on you...Copy !req
1338. a so-so entertainer,
not much of a humanitarian...Copy !req
1339. and this cat
was never nobody's friend.Copy !req
1340. In his final appearance
on the great stage of life –Copy !req
1341. you can applaud if you wanna –
Mr. Joe Gideon.Copy !req
1342. Two, three, four, five, six.Copy !req
1343. A-one, a-two, three, four!Copy !req
1344. This must have cost a fortune!Copy !req
1345. Oh! Give it to me!Copy !req
1346. Oh! Give it to me!Copy !req
1347. At least I won't have to lie
to you anymore.Copy !req
1348. Oh! Give it to me!Copy !req