Ali G Indahouse (2002)

1. 'You are now about to witness the strength of street knowledge.'

2. 'When somethin' happens in South Central Los Angeles

3. 'nothin' happens, it's just another nigger dead.'

4. - ¿ Y qué mira? - ¡Sí, gózale!

5. My friend saw you with Ramón Camacho.

6. - It ain't true, Ricco. - Shut up, ho!

7. It's time to teach you two a lesson.

8. I wouldn't do that if I was you.

9. Step back unless you want me to bust a cap in your ass.

10. This is my hood and these girls belong to me.

11. Belong?

12. That is a very sexist way to talk about these bitches.

13. Hola. ¡Ay qué rico estás, papito!

14. Bonjour. Je m'appelle Ali.

15. J'habite in Staines.

16. You made me use me last tissue. Me ain't got another one now.

17. Hijo su chingada madre. ¿Te crees chingón, cabrón?

18. No sabes que te puedo matar, pinche canario.

19. You what? Speak to the hand

20. cos the face, it ain't listening.

21. ¡Mátalo!

22. Ooh!

23. Sorry.

24. No!

25. Remember, life is the most precious gift that Jah has given us.

26. Unlucky.

27. You saved us. I just really want to thank you.

28. ¡Ay, Dios mío!

29. That's gonna need the two of us.

30. Here, let me help you with that.

31. That's very nice.

32. Yes, please.

33. Thank you very much. That's good.

34. 2 Pac, no!

35. Whatever.

36. Yeah, baby, play with the balls.

37. - Ali, are you awake? - For real.

38. Ali-Pally, do you know how late it is? You're still in bed, all asleep.

39. Sorry, Nan.

40. That's better.

41. It's not nice to play with your poopik when Nana's in the room.

42. - You're teaching your class today. - Wicked.

43. Out of bed, choppy chop.

44. - Yo, yo! Aight? - Aight!

45. Urgh.

46. Respect.

47. So, what's going down in Staines town, my nigger?

48. Nigger, we just be kicking back, sucking on some gin and juice.

49. Laid-back.

50. - Aight. - For real.

51. Jezzy, is you wearing green?

52. I knew it. You is defected to the lver Heath posse, innit?

53. - Let's stab him. - Wait!

54. Me mum washed me yellow top with my brother's blue football socks.

55. All right. But you tell that slag that in the ghetto,

56. washing non-colourfast synthetics at 60 degrees could be fatal.

57. Will you boys move? I've told you it's a fire risk.

58. Hey, yo, yo, yo, what's the problem? Four brothers chilling out,

59. maxing, relaxing, it ain't too taxing.

60. Boof!

61. - Move! - We'll sit on the bench. Yes.

62. The East Staines Massiv.

63. if it ain't the West Staines Massiv outside their precious centre.

64. Booyakasha!

65. Wickety-wackety-sha! Boo!

66. Eastside is the best.

67. Westside is the best.

68. - Eastside is the best. - Westside is the best.

69. - Westside is the best. - Eastside is the best.

70. Shit, I meant Westside is the best.

71. Anyways, you is on our turf.

72. Once you pass the Bumblebees Day Nursery,

73. just before the mini-roundabout, then you is in the Westside.

74. - We don't care. - Oh, yeah?

75. Your mama is so fat

76. that when she volunteered to clean the cages at the zoo,

77. people them-a walk by and say, "Look at that hippopotamus."

78. That ain't fair. It's glandular.

79. - Let's leave these batty boys. - Your mama's a batty boy.

80. Oooh!

81. Slow down!

82. Stop!

83. - Eastside! - He's gonna get himself killed.

84. Yo, yo, G, it's the LAPD.

85. Yeah? And?

86. Oh, man, you are one bad mofo.

87. I is feeling it. You rocking it?

88. - I'm feeling it. - I'm checking it.

89. - I'm kissing it. - I'm checking it.

90. Wicked!

91. Wicked!

92. Wicked now, wicked now, wicked!

93. Wait. I is gonna be late for me class. Let's go.

94. Crack cocaine is destroying our community.

95. So when a brother makes it through, they deserve our respect.

96. So let's big it up for Darren,

97. who's been clean and off the crack now for eight years.

98. - Eight and three-quarter years. - Whatever.

99. Me don't wanna say this but most of you ain't never gonna see 11.

100. Booka!

101. Drive-bys.

102. - Look, he's crying. Homo! Homo! - Hey!

103. We'll have none of that language here. The word is batty boy.

104. Batty boy! Batty boy!

105. Better. Everybody up! Time to give out this week's badges.

106. First, big it up for me main man Andy,

107. who has finally got his Hot-Wiring badge

108. and his Advanced Swearing badge.

109. - Shit off, you hairy dog's cock. - Respect.

110. Since you has got your fifth badge, you has earned your second slit.

111. Hopefully one day you'll get to be Tyrone's level.

112. if you gets any better, we'll have to start doing your pubes.

113. - I don't have any. - Well, I is got millions.

114. Now, remember - without realness, we is nothing.

115. So, posse, keep it real!

116. Keep it real!

117. On the streets, your homie would take a cap in his ass for you.

118. So let's start with a very basic trust exercise.

119. - One, two, three. - Ali, can I have a word?

120. - Sure. - It's about the centre.

121. I know how much these classes mean to you

122. and how much the kids enjoy them.

123. But the government's withdrawn our funding.

124. They're closing down the John Nike Leisure Centre.

125. You what? How is these kids meant to make it out of the ghetto now?

126. - They'll have to go somewhere else. - Somewhere else?

127. Do you know what this centre means to them? And to me?

128. This is the spiritual home of the West Staines Massiv.

129. This is like what Mecca is to the Jews.

130. It's like what Kentucky is to chickens.

131. And it was here when me first felt me Julie's...

132. Ali, there's nothing you can do.

133. Now, you better go and tell the kids.

134. I ain't never gonna let them close us down.

135. Keep it real, yeah?

136. 'Dinner with the Belgian prime minister at eight.

137. 'And the Deputy Prime Minister wishes to speak to you.'

138. - Has he heard the poll results yet? - Yes, I wish I hadn't.

139. Gallup puts us 22 points behind.

140. - And MORl? - 23 points behind.

141. The youth vote's deserting us in droves.

142. Focus groups say we're out of touch.

143. - We are. - Don't be silly.

144. Will we lose this by-election?

145. We haven't lost Staines in 20 years and we're not about to start.

146. We just have an image problem.

147. We have to find a candidate who will improve that image.

148. Somebody young.

149. - Somebody ethnic. - Somebody in touch.

150. - Exactly. - You're right.

151. We need an intellectually superior candidate to guarantee us victory.

152. - Easy now, Mrs Hugh. - Booyakasha.

153. - Is me Julie about? - She's upstairs.

154. Hello, baby, l's been missing you so much today.

155. You is looking so fine. All I want to do is pull your panties down...

156. Ali.

157. - Hello, me Julie. - Stop feeling up Nina.

158. - I got confused. - You're never confused with Tracey.

159. - Hello, Ali. - Hello.

160. You know you is me only bitch.

161. Ho. Lady?

162. When me close me eyes, you is the only girl me think about.

163. - Ali, open your eyes. - Sorry, there was something in them.

164. Because there's these fleas going around,

165. two of them, coming in again and they're in me eyes!

166. You've been a very bad boy and you need to be punished.

167. - Are you a bad boy? - Yes, I am.

168. My skin is so dry.

169. So for being a bad boy, I want you to rub oil into me,

170. paying special attention to my breasts and my batty crease.

171. OK, I will do that.

172. But first, I want you to take your hat off, you naughty boy.

173. But me never take me hat off.

174. You take that off and I'll take these off.

175. OK.

176. Now I'm going to milk you.

177. - 'Ali.' - Give me one more sec.

178. - Behave, Alistair. - J-Lo.

179. They is closing down the centre.

180. I is gonna go on hunger strike until they save it... or until I die.

181. So just in case I do join Tupac and Biggie in that ghetto in the sky,

182. l's come here to bone you one last time.

183. Mr Johnson might have something to say about that.

184. - Can I watch? - I got not problem with that.

185. Ali!

186. Don't do nothing stupid, all right?

187. Hear me now. She ain't really me Julie.

188. In real life I is going out with someone much fitter.

189. But they do that to make me more accessible.

190. Which means you girls think I will knob you, even if you is a minger.

191. OK, you got ten seconds till you start.

192. More! More!

193. OK, and go.

194. Mr G, why are you on hunger strike?

195. In the struggle for...

196. In the struggle for justice, I is willing to lay down me life.

197. Just like Martin Luther... Vandross did.

198. Local party chairman Alan Swan has some names for the by-election.

199. This is a great honour. I've always admired...

200. - The names, Swan. - Right. Well, er...

201. There are three really outstanding candidates that match your criteria.

202. Top of the list is Andrew Hamilton, PhD political science,

203. studied PPE at Oxford, gained a starred first.

204. Have you tried these new chicken dippers?

205. - They're really good. - What sauce are you going for?

206. I think it's barbecue.

207. I can't take it!

208. Chicken dippers!

209. - Good, we can go home now. - Oh, nips.

210. I'll get the keys, yeah?

211. Starting again from... now!

212. No.

213. - What has we got here, then? - I is doing a serious protest.

214. In that case, we'll leave you to it.

215. Oh, thanks.

216. There was just one thing, though.

217. Grow, Biggie, grow. I has gotta get a semi lob-on.

218. Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Lopez.

219. Jennifer Lopez lezzing off with the big-thighed one in Destiny's Child.

220. Look here now! Look at my massive beast!

221. You filthy animal!

222. Oh, Shep, this rail is very dirty.

223. It's going to need a lot of polishing.

224. PhD in economics, three years at Harvard, age 34...

225. Swan? ls there any reason why there should be

226. an absurdly dressed, half-naked man chained to a fence

227. being tossed off by an old, blind council worker?

228. lgnore him. It's the local idiot making some pathetic protest.

229. Unchain him and bring him in here.

230. - But I'm trying to... - Bring him in, Swan.

231. Straight ahead at the top of the stairs.

232. I'm Kate Hedges, the Deputy Prime Minister's secretary.

233. Come in and you can pull your pants up now.

234. Hello, I'm David Carlton, the Deputy Prime Minister.

235. Hello. I is Ali G, the dominating MC.

236. Making bitches touch their punani.

237. - The number after two, it be... - Three.

238. Not Ali A, not Ali B, not Ali C, not Ali D,

239. not Ali...

240. E...

241. not Ali...

242. F...

243. - but Ali... - G.

244. Bo! Your rhymes is tight for a honkey, yes, sir.

245. That's his full name and address.

246. Tell me, Ali, do you have a job?

247. I is recently gone on the dole.

248. - When? - Eight years and three months ago.

249. It says here you claim disability. Are you...?

250. Yes, I is actually spasticated.

251. I is got a terrible DJing injury

252. and still ain't got full mobility in me mixing finger.

253. Fok-chickety-fok-fok-fresh. Ow.

254. Everything down there is still working. Oh, yes. Yes.

255. Ali, erm... would you sit down? Please, sit down.

256. - Would you ever become an MP? - What for? It's full of pricks.

257. That's a little harsh. I'm an MP, am I a prick?

258. - Yes. - Let's try a different angle.

259. ls there nothing you'd like to change?

260. Me'd wanna save the John Nike Leisure Centre, obviously.

261. As the MP for Staines, you could achieve that.

262. Would you stand in this by-election?

263. Me gotta be honest, me ain't actually bi.

264. - Well... - I mean,

265. obviously I done it with two girls.

266. Well, I seen it on the internet.

267. But me would never feel completely comfortable being bummed by a man.

268. A lot of people say never say ever

269. but me feel strongly that me exit hole should stay me exit hole

270. and never become me entry hole, you know what I is saying?

271. Yes, yes.

272. Well, it's been a pleasure meeting you.

273. David.

274. Later, sweetheart.

275. David?

276. What are you doing? He was the biggest idiot I have ever met.

277. - Choose him and we'll never win. - I know.

278. There'll be a leadership crisis. The PM will be out.

279. And who could possibly replace him?

280. Ali has two weeks to lose us 18,000 votes.

281. Let's get him on the campaign trail.

282. Easy, rude boy. Me name be Ali G and me is here representing Staines.

283. Can me count on your vote?

284. - Definitely not. - Hairy muff.

285. Seeing as I is here,

286. could me interest you in a quarter of Moroccan black?

287. It's well good shit!

288. Dave, it's your turn to shit through the letterbox.

289. Our anti-bullying programme has won lots of praise.

290. lnstances of bullying in this school are at an all-time low.

291. Jonathan used to suffer terribly from bullies.

292. I ain't surprised. Look at him.

293. Hey, fatty bum bum. Hey, fatty bum bum. Want another cream cake?

294. Boiiing! Boiiing! Boiiing!

295. He is well fat, though.

296. All you motherfuckers, fuck-fuck-fuck fuckers!

297. Vote for the G, the motherfuckin' G. Me, the motherfuckin' G.

298. All the bitches in the house say yo.

299. Vote for me cos me know what you lezzers want.

300. I is a big supporter of your cause and I is got many of your videos.

301. if you vote for me, me give you me pledge to lower taxes on strap-ons.

302. Why is you getting so eggy? ls you all on?

303. Ladies and gentlemen, to commemorate the town hall extension,

304. we're asking all the candidates to lay down a brick.

305. Ali, would you lay one for us now?

306. - What, here? - We would be honoured.

307. - In front of everyone? - Yes.

308. Not bad.

309. This is absolutely vital.

310. 10 days ago we were 14 points ahead,

311. with one day to go we are eight points behind.

312. Listen. Did you get the manifesto that I sent to you?

313. - You got a roach? - Er... For real.

314. - You got another roach? - Yeah, for real.

315. - Yeah. - Wicked.

316. Yes. It was very helpful.

317. 30 seconds till we're on air. Come with me.

318. Good luck. Don't hold back.

319. In the most crucial by-election of the past decade,

320. we're joined by ex-Environment Secretary David Griffiths

321. and newcomer Ali G.

322. This debate will help you make up your mind.

323. Ali, if elected, what would you do for Staines?

324. Me'd save the John Nike Leisure Centre.

325. You can't mean your sole policy

326. is to save a centre that's barely used and a terrible drain on funds?

327. What are your other policies?

328. - My other policies? - Yes, you must have some.

329. Well...

330. I think it is well important to reduce inflay-tee-on

331. and also to invest in the nehuss.

332. The nahuss.

333. - Oh, the NHS. - You're reading from my sheet.

334. No, I ain't. I is thought of them things meself, you copied from me.

335. It wasn't me.

336. Then perhaps you'd tell me where you stand on the ERM?

337. No problem. Me thought their first album was wack.

338. Me hate all indie music.

339. The voters deserve better, you're making a mockery of this debate.

340. What? ls you looking in the mirror?

341. You're making it obvious to the voters what a buffoon you are.

342. Talking about yourself again? I think so.

343. You are an embarrassment to the people of Staines.

344. That is not a nice way to talk about your mum.

345. I put it to you that you are the worst possible candidate

346. ever put forward by your miserable party.

347. Well, I put it to you...

348. that you sucked off a horse.

349. I did not, er... suck off a horse.

350. I have already dealt with this issue with the party chairman

351. and as I explained to him,

352. I was out hunting with a friend

353. and I slipped onto the end of a horse's phallus,

354. which, unfortunately, owing to it being the mating season,

355. was aroused.

356. 'Why is he going? Does he need to go and do a pony?

357. 'Is that a yes or a neigh?

358. 'Why isn't he speaking? Is he a bit hoarse?

359. 'Was that a lie or the tr-hoof?'

360. Tell you what, they ought to read the gallop polls tomorrow!

361. 'More drama with the unexpected withdrawal of David Griffiths.

362. 'Tomorrow's vote is now between Thomas Alvarez and Ali G,

363. 'with the result too close to call.'

364. Thomas Alvarez, Liberal Democrat, 5,080 votes.

365. Alistair Leslie Graham...

366. Who? What a stupid name.

367. - 5,086 votes. - You won! You did it!

368. And I now declare

369. Ali G has been duly elected as Member of Parliament for Staines.

370. Do you want to see the new Member of Parliament, aight?

371. 'Look how I is touching meself. Do you like that?

372. 'Is that turning you on?'

373. - 'Not really.' - 'Mm.

374. 'Give a kiss to Mr Gherkin.'

375. - 'You're so long and hard!' - 'That's the handbrake.'

376. 'Now, let's get jiggy.'

377. Is it in yet?

378. Big up yourself. Respect.

379. - Big up yourself. - MP for Staines.

380. I know you. You was the geezer that did it with that prossie.

381. Respect.

382. - Because this government... - Order! Order!

383. This government's conduct of economic policy

384. has not only been incompetent,

385. it has been unscrupulous, untrustworthy and untruthful.

386. They is dissin' our posse. I is gonna sort this.

387. - Order. Order now. - And look at this!

388. Order! Order! Will the Member for Staines return to his seat?

389. Will the Member for Staines return to his seat?

390. Order! Order in the House!

391. - What is he doing? - I'm not sure, Prime Minister.

392. - For you to come down to me... - Shhh.

393. Relax ya batty.

394. Look at you!

395. All you ever do all day long is cuss each other.

396. R-E-S-T-E-C-P.

397. - Do you even know what that spells? - Restecp?

398. - Yes. Restecp. - Restecp.

399. How's anyone out there meant to restecp each other

400. if you lot in here don't even start restecp-ing one another?

401. Sergeant, eject him.

402. Wanna know how to make this country better? It's simple. Two words.

403. - Keep it real. - That's three words.

404. Don't be a spanner. "It" ain't a real word. It's short for "innit".

405. - Keep it real! - He is banned from the House.

406. Is it cos I is black?

407. What in God's name have you done to me?

408. I want that idiot in my office with his resignation.

409. Yes, Prime Minister.

410. Come in.

411. - Listen, me know me done wrong. - Haven't you read the papers?

412. I can't believe it.

413. This dog can play table tennis.

414. - It's the press, they love you. - But how can he hold the bat?

415. The Deputy Prime Minister and l were wondering,

416. what if I asked you to join the Cabinet?

417. No, think about it.

418. Ali joins the Cabinet, the two of them are publicly aligned.

419. Ali slips up, he takes that old prat with him.

420. Why would Ali join?

421. I've told the Prime Minister to offer to save his leisure centre.

422. - Are you mad? That would... - Let me finish.

423. Offers to save his leisure centre if Ali gets him a 20-point poll lead.

424. Now I is in the Cabinet and all, could I see the red button?

425. - Can I trust you? - Yes.

426. All right. Here we are.

427. One touch on that red button could destroy the whole world.

428. - That is very interesting because... - No!

429. Fell for it!

430. Ali, please, stand away. Dear me.

431. - Can't we blow up something? - No!

432. - Please? - No.

433. - Somewhere shitty like Wales. - Ali.

434. Their Prime Minister called your mum a slag.

435. I am the Prime Minister of Wales!

436. You shouldn't say that about your mum.

437. Your first Cabinet meeting is Thursday. It's about asylum seekers.

438. I'm sending you on a fact-finding mission.

439. Anyone trying to smuggle will probably come through here.

440. And it's not just immigrants. Look at this.

441. You'll be appalled. Look at this crap.

442. Marijuana smuggled in from Europe, South America and the Middle East.

443. That is terrible.

444. - Is there any skunk? - Yes.

445. Some scumbag smuggled in 15 kilos of this.

446. It's the strongest super skunk ever discovered.

447. Over here are the confiscated weapons and this is where we keep...

448. You must have such a laugh here.

449. - No, we don't. - Oh.

450. Next we have the mountains of hardcore pornography,

451. most of it from Germany. You may want to look away.

452. No. I is got a job to do.

453. I know. It makes me feel sick, too.

454. I have to compile me report now, so if you'd fuck off.

455. Certainly, sir.

456. Westminster will be sending down experts to help with me research.

457. Hello. We is experts.

458. 'Sprütze in die Arse!'

459. Ali, tell us, what did you find out in Dover?

460. Me saw a lot of stuff, most of it from Germany,

461. of these blokes going in through the back door.

462. He's right. In Germany, I experienced it myself.

463. - Respect. - I remember one time

464. there were these two huge African men

465. who managed to squeeze themselves into... this tiny box.

466. - How long was they in there for? - 15 hours.

467. - It was incredibly emotional. - It must've hurt.

468. - It still does. - Sorry.

469. So, John, what are we going to do about these asylum seekers?

470. We can't let them all in, it would cripple the economy.

471. Oooh!

472. - Yes, Ali? - Let's think about this.

473. What's the main thing we ain't got enough of in the UK?

474. - Hospitals. - No.

475. - Libraries? - Behave!

476. We ain't got enough fit women.

477. And we's got too many mingers.

478. No offence, Karen.

479. So we let in all the fit refugees and turn away the rank ones.

480. Then we solve both problems.

481. We is knobbing two birds with one connie.

482. - This is ludicrous. - What do you think?

483. I think... we should keep it real.

484. Fit.

485. Fit... fit.

486. Wait.

487. Back to Slovenia.

488. Education standards are at their lowest for 15 years.

489. That is because kids is learning stuff that ain't no use to them.

490. Who here has ever used maths? Or English?

491. Exactly. Let's start making education relevant.

492. if Kevin buys six ounces of Jamaican sinsemilla from Fat Tony

493. for £480 cash in hand,

494. and has to divide it amongst 11 of his customers,

495. how much should he charge for an eighth

496. so he can make £100 profit to pay off his child support?

497. The situation in Northern lreland is spiralling out of control.

498. Hear me now.

499. The only way you is ever gonna get Hindus to stop killing lslams...

500. - Catholics fighting Protestants. - Whatever.

501. ..is to get some really fit woman to get her babylons out for peace.

502. - Prime Minister... - Not you, love.

503. The army is costing the British taxpayer £4.2 billion a year.

504. How will the government reduce this figure?

505. We is gonna hire the A-Team.

506. Her Majesty the Queen.

507. Your Majesty, may I introduce Ali G, MP for Staines?

508. Hello, cheeky. You is much fitter than you look on them coins.

509. Next time me put a 50p piece in me pocket

510. me will feel honoured having your head so close to me nuts.

511. Nothing's working, the jobless figures are at their highest level.

512. The UK has a special relationship with the US. Do you like Bush?

513. Me love bush. Me love anything that gives foliage to the punani area.

514. Would you do a dance for me, please?

515. - Oh, my God. - Shaven haven. Respect.

516. - 'As Ali G's influence grows...' - '..a 12-point lead.'

517. 'The Queen says he's a breath of fresh air.'

518. - 'Ali G mania sweeps the UK.' - 'Charismatic MP Ali G...'

519. "As of 12 o'clock, all Rizlas will be free.

520. "To discourage their use, there will be a levy of 25p on panties.

521. "This will exclude thongs.

522. "As for the health service,

523. "marijuana will be made available free on the NHS

524. "for the treatment of chronic diseases such as itchy scrot.

525. "Furthermore, I am a bell end..."

526. - I can't be expected... - Get along, David.

527. "l like to take it up da batty.

528. "Yes, I do. It feel really nice and is me favourite.

529. "l used to be a girl and wear knicks. Honest.

530. "Ask me mum."

531. War looms in Central Africa. Britain to host a peace conference.

532. A triumphant budget from Britain's most controversial MP.

533. A fancy frock don't make up for months of neglect.

534. Me know.

535. This is new to me so don't leave me on my own.

536. Don't worry, baby.

537. It's the Prime Minister, let me get his autograph.

538. - Boss, this is me Julie. - Lovely.

539. Should we meet our delegates? President Wattana from Thailand.

540. - It is an honour to meet you. - Thai, aight? Present.

541. Let's move along. Do forgive me.

542. This is the Mongolian delegate.

543. ls you a genuine mong?

544. That is fantastic that you lot is also being represented here.

545. I will... go and get you...

546. some nice... crayons.

547. Shall we carry on? Thank you, do forgive me.

548. They really can do anything.

549. This is Borat from Kazakhstan.

550. Jagshemash.

551. - Bless you. - It is nice to meet you.

552. Get off, you batty boy!

553. Ali, all right. Please forgive me.

554. You are a cocksucker.

555. Bonjour.

556. Canapé, sir?

557. Me Julie.

558. Julie.

559. Hello?

560. What you doing up here? Why not stay downstairs with that posh girl?

561. - We was talking about politics. - I ain't interested, just shut up!

562. Well, me won't speak no more.

563. You really are a prat. Now, come here.

564. We can't. This is the PM's bedroom.

565. Well...

566. Why don't you pretend to be the Prime Minister?

567. Cheeky.

568. Ladies and gentlemen, please. In advance of tomorrow's summit,

569. I shall be having private talks with both parties.

570. First, President Mwepu, would you care to join me upstairs?

571. - A pleasure. - Thank you.

572. I must say, I enjoyed that.

573. So did l. I'm so glad we thrashed it out.

574. Ladies and gentlemen, I want everyone here to know

575. that President Mwepu here is a very big man.

576. And I would like you to know that the Prime Minister was very hard

577. but very straight.

578. The President was very much on top to start off with

579. but I don't mind telling you, I was in a deep hole.

580. Oh, very deep.

581. We had some sticky patches but I'm delighted to say

582. we came together in the end.

583. Yes, I lapped up everything that you had to offer.

584. Now President Oompeba, would you care to join me upstairs?

585. No bloody way.

586. Can I come?

587. Come on, honey, let's go home.

588. - I'll cook you up your favourite. - Angel Delight?

589. Yeah, butterscotch.

590. Mmmm. Butterscotch.

591. This bit is for the girls,

592. to show that me can be well sensitive.

593. By the way, if any of you bitches is fit and into doggy,

594. here is me mobile number.

595. Callers must be over 16.

596. But not by too much.

597. Me can't. They need me at the peace conference tomorrow.

598. You what? What about the people who really need you?

599. What about Ricky? What about Dave?

600. What about me, Ali?

601. Please come back to Staines.

602. The world is bigger than Staines. And me gotta save it.

603. You'll have to do it on your own, then.

604. Me Julie. Me Julie?

605. Let me call you back.

606. We've gotta get rid of him before the centre's saved.

607. - What I thought... - You thought?

608. The US will do everything in its power

609. to support Chad in its struggle against its neighbours.

610. Russia will not allow this Western oppression to continue

611. and in order to support Burkina Faso,

612. is prepared to utilise all our military capabilities.

613. - That's outrageous! - How can you make such a statement?

614. Ali, Ali, Ali.

615. - Armageddon's breaking out, help. - Sure, bro.

616. The United States will not be intimidated.

617. We will meet any show of force with our full military might!

618. Oi!

619. You know why they is shouting? They ain't been fed their teas.

620. Come on, choppy chop.

621. Moving to a motion,

622. all those in favour of sending lran to the gas station

623. to get some potato chips and chocolate, raise your hand.

624. For real.

625. Oh, bummer.

626. I'm sorry we invaded you. It was really uncool.

627. Who cares? It's all in the past.

628. if I was going to be invaded by anyone,

629. I am happy it was you.

630. You are really cool. You have nice clothes.

631. - You saved my white ass, Ali. - No problem, bredrin.

632. Big up the herbal tea, aight?

633. Hey, you, Britain!

634. Respect.

635. How does he do it?

636. We're quite a team, Ali. Thanks to you we're 22 points ahead.

637. - I'm gonna save your centre. - Wicked! Bo! Bo! Bo!

638. - Check out all the Peperami! - For you - this is your moment.

639. Will you comment on accusations that you drugged the world leaders?

640. - You what? - Our evidence proves you're guilty.

641. Er...

642. "Our evidence proves you're guilty."

643. - This is just childish. - "This is just childish!"

644. By employing this rhetorical tactic you incriminate yourself further.

645. By... tactic... your father.

646. This bag was sent to my office anonymously.

647. Do you deny that you stole it from Customs & Excise?

648. That could be anyone's.

649. I is gotta go. I is turtling. I is actually touching cloth.

650. A few more questions!

651. There goes your leisure centre. Clear your desk before you go.

652. Prime Minister.

653. Big up yourself, Ali.

654. - It won't be the same without you. - We'll miss you, Mr G. Respect.

655. - Booyakasha. - Westside.

656. Flippin' heck.

657. Nan, can I borrow your car?

658. Having a bad day? Maybe I can help.

659. - Is it nippy outside? - Very.

660. - What is you doing here? - Let me show you.

661. 'So today's main news again.

662. 'The Prime Minister has resigned after the discovery of security tape

663. 'showing him having perverse sexual intercourse with a prostitute.'

664. That's no prostitute, that's me ho!

665. 'As of now the Deputy Prime Minister will be acting Prime Minister.'

666. That ain't fair, that weren't the PM. Where's the rest of the tape?

667. My boss has locked it in a safe at Chequers,

668. - where it's staying. - You won't get away with this.

669. if you keep your mouth shut, David's willing to be very generous.

670. I'm willing to be very generous.

671. All that you have to do

672. is keep your mouth... shut.

673. I'm tuning up my engine, Ali.

674. Fill me with petrol.

675. I is gonna pump you with me five-star unleaded, aight!

676. - Let me see your nozzle. - What?

677. You wanna see me knob? All right.

678. Give me your fuel injection.

679. 'In tomorrow's phone-in, we ask,

680. 'have you ever slept with a pig? I certainly have.'

681. 'And we'll find out what turns girls like this into slags.'

682. No one calls me Julie a slag.

683. Come to mama.

684. Take them off.

685. 'Keep it real! Keep it real! Keep it real!'

686. This ain't right. Here...

687. Set it to vibrate and finish yourself off.

688. Open up! Yo, blood, I need your help.

689. Everyone's calling me Julie a slag.

690. They heard about our three-header?

691. What three-header? Anyways, I can prove she ain't.

692. Bredrin, we gotta restart Drive-By FM. What ya say?

693. - Drive-By FM is back! - Wicked!

694. - Let's go. - Is you any good at knots?

695. Yo, hear me now, hear me now, rewind.

696. This is Drive-By FM, the sound of the ghetto,

697. from deep in the heart of Berkshire.

698. Phut-phut-phut-phut, phut-phut-phut-phut!

699. - What was that? - Helicopter.

700. Oh, you was doing the wings. That's good.

701. Hear me now, gangstas. There is some serious shit going down.

702. The Prime Minister, check it,

703. has been chucked out by a geezer who is a massive dong.

704. He is even more eviller than Skeletor.

705. To get the PM back in, me needs to get hold of this tape

706. of me knobbing me bitch.

707. if you help me rescue this video, we can save the country.

708. - Plus you will see Julie's babylons. - Wicked!

709. That is why I is calling all of you to end the Berkshire turf wars.

710. There has been enough brothers slain.

711. So put down your AKs, lay down your Uzis,

712. and unite

713. into one massive...

714. massive.

715. - 'So big up the Eton Wick Crew.' - 'Hold tight.'

716. 'Hold tight the lver Heath Posse.'

717. Shout going out to the Englefield Green Massiv.

718. And me never thought me would ever say this...

719. but big up the East Staines Massiv.

720. - Ali, what you doing, man? - Shh.

721. Hear this, Hassan B.

722. if you join us, then I is prepared to hand over

723. the Boris the Spider climbing frame in Leagrove Park.

724. Let's do what Tupac and Biggie never managed. Aight?

725. if you is joining this military operation,

726. meet up in camouflage

727. at John Nike Leisure Centre, nine tomorrow morning.

728. That's a bit early. Can we make it 12?

729. Sorry I is late.

730. But there was something on the telly about monkeys.

731. They is well funny, what? With their arms and...

732. Respect for wearing camouflage. It will help you go undetected.

733. Now, let's go to Chequers and rescue that tape.

734. Let's do this for Britain. Let's do this for me Julie.

735. And let's do this for hip-hop! Selecta!

736. Selecta!

737. I has drawn up a detailed plan of Chequers.

738. The tape is in the PM's office, in a safe.

739. First up, Ricky, Dave and me will go in.

740. Jezzy, you stay here. We's gonna be like the A-Team.

741. - And I is BA Baracus. - I wanna be BA Baracus.

742. Urgh.

743. But I is very much like him. "l ain't gettin' in no plane."

744. Uh-uh - "l ain't gettin' in no plane!"

745. - "l ain't gettin' in no plane!" - "Shut up, fool."

746. Look, gold. "l ain't gettin' in no plane!"

747. - "Step back, kiss myself." - That's James Brown.

748. You'll be Murdock. Dave, you'll be Face.

749. - What do we do? - Stay here and we all hide

750. and blend into the natural habitat.

751. 'Then, when it gets dark, me will make the secret signal.'

752. Fresh, fresh, fresh, fresh, rewind.

753. Let's go!

754. 'Then tune all your radios to the baddest street garage station

755. 'and crank up the volume to the max.

756. 'This will bring out the guards

757. 'and at that point we will use our cunning to overpower them.'

758. Bundle!

759. - Sir? - What's going on?

760. 'I'm sure it's nothing but I've sent some men out.'

761. I want maximum security. Patrol the house.

762. 'The Great Hall is exactly like the one in Lara Croft's house

763. 'in Tomb Raider 2 on PlayStation.

764. 'So Dave, if you run at the pillar, that goes to the underwater kingdom

765. 'and on to the next level.'

766. Urgh.

767. 'if that don't work, we must somehow cross the touch-sensitive floor.

768. 'if we lift our feet at all, we're dead.'

769. Nothing. We'll keep on looking.

770. 'Next up, we is gotta go through the laser room.

771. 'Dave, you'll use your special skills to help us through.'

772. Remember, if we break any beams it will set the alarms off,

773. so extra careful. Now, let's do it.

774. 'This must be the PM's office. The tape is in there.'

775. lntruders in my office. This is a terrorist attack, shoot on sight.

776. Repeat, shoot on sight.

777. - Ah, safe. - Yeah, safe, man.

778. - No, the safe. - Yeah, I is safe. Open that.

779. - Ali, this safe. - Yeah, I is feeling fine.

780. - The safe, the safe. - Yeah, man, I is safe!

781. Behind you!

782. Hold on. I thought you couldn't speak.

783. I've just always been terribly embarrassed about my voice.

784. All right, don't go on about it. Stop giving it all that.

785. Now, if me can just interrupt your life story for one second...

786. let's tie these geezers up and get that safe open.

787. No.

788. I got it. Link up the batteries of all the cars outside,

789. transfer the current through a human chain

790. and blow this mother open!

791. - Won't we get electricalocuted? - We won't get fried

792. cos we've got rubber-soled trainers. Trust me, I got a D in physics.

793. Wicked. I'll text them.

794. No, b-eight-two-rez - be-attories, batteries.

795. 2-geh-4 - together...

796. Me was trying to save time.

797. Bambaclat.

798. - Switch on the engine, pass it on. - Switch on the engine, pass it on.

799. Your voice! Switch on the engine, pass it on.

800. - Switch on the engine, pass it on. - Switch on the engine, pass it on...

801. - Bitch on a pension, suck my dong. - What?

802. - Should I turn the engine on? - Yeah.

803. - What is you doing? - I'm being pulled!

804. No!

805. Ha-ha! Bo! Bo!

806. We open up the safe!

807. - Peace, man. - Peace, bredrin.

808. Ali! Ali!

809. - The tape ain't here. - What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?

810. Look for yourself.

811. All it is is some photographs...

812. Eugh.

813. And there's a map of Staines.

814. Jah Ras Tafari, Haile Selassie. They is extending Heathrow Airport.

815. That means... they is gonna destroy Staines.

816. And they is starting in... three hours.

817. Two hours, 57 minutes, to be precise.

818. Why build it over Staines?

819. Because I have bought 600 acres of land there. Give me those.

820. Don't try escaping because this room doubles as a nuclear bunker.

821. It is completely impenetrable to the outside world.

822. And I've forgotten to put on the air supply.

823. Why don't you nip out now and stick it on?

824. You really are unbelievably stupid.

825. Oi! Knob-end!

826. - What? - Give me them plans.

827. - Or what? - Or nipple cripple, that's what.

828. Chinese burn!

829. You hurt my nose, you fucking nutcase.

830. Look behind you because there's a thousand police officers.

831. Look behind you, there's Jennifer Lopez.

832. What? You want to bone him right this second cos you is so horny?

833. Look, there's 20 squid on the floor.

834. There's a squirrel with the head of a chicken

835. and with, like, wings and everything that's just...

836. - Is you gonna hit me again? - Mmm.

837. Now I'm going to shoot you.

838. Booyakasha!

839. This is from the people of Staines.

840. Ooh. I think I followed through.

841. 'Me Julie, you there? Me know what you must think of me.

842. 'l been a piece of knob cheese but me got to save Staines with your help

843. 'and I has shat meself.'

844. Shit. Ricky and Dave!

845. Ricky?

846. We thought if we was gonna die we might as well give it a go.

847. - Well, what's it like? - It's not bad.

848. - Dave? - Quite nice, actually.

849. We'll talk about this later. We gotta save Staines.

850. Two minutes, see you in the car?

851. Be quick. The Feds is coming and you don't want to finish up inside.

852. Save our centre! Save our centre!

853. Hold on tight.

854. Leave 'em alone, you pigs, they're senile!

855. Send in, send in!

856. I wouldn't do that if I was you.

857. Ali! I love you!

858. Juliiieeee!

859. - Hello. - Start the demolition.

860. Wait! Don't listen to him! He's a criminal.

861. And not even the good kind that sell drugs or do drive-bys.

862. I is got proof here that he is trying to destroy Staines.

863. So what? It's a shithole.

864. - Arrest them. - Oh, shit. We is going to jail.

865. Every day for the next 20 years we'll get bummed in the showers.

866. - Hold it. Release him. - Under what authority?

867. I'm the acting Prime Minister. You are the disgraced one.

868. Disgraced by you. And this tape proves it.

869. - Kate. - No, David.

870. When I first entered politics, it was to create a better world,

871. a world of honesty, integrity and truth.

872. But somewhere along the way that vision was lost.

873. My dream was tarnished and instead I discovered greed,

874. - avarice and corruption... - Boring!

875. Arrest him.

876. Enjoy your life with this fool. You two deserve each other.

877. Piss off.

878. Oh, nice!

879. We're not going to build Terminal 5 over Staines.

880. - We'll demolish Slough instead. - Wicked.

881. As of now I need a new Deputy Prime Minister.

882. How do you feel about being my right-hand man?

883. Right-hand man! Batty boy, batty boy!

884. What do you say, Ali?

885. I has shown you the way.

886. You'll have to carry on the journey by yourself now.

887. As for me, I is gonna stick with me posse

888. and me bi...

889. me lady.

890. 'Ahem. Actually, there is one thing you could do for me.'

891. Mr Ambassador.

892. - Your crop is ready for inspection. - Bo.

893. Good morning, Ambassador.

894. Ambassador, will you try the harvest?

895. This is good shit.

896. The man from Staines, he say yeah!

897. lce, please.

898. Ali, this is a great Jacuzzi.

899. That ain't a Jacuzzi.

900. Sorry.

901. Bring her in.

902. Dance for me, bitch.

903. Me Julie, me got something to ask you.

904. Will you make me the happiest man in the world?

905. Yeah, I will.

906. Let me shag her, then.

907. So, what did you think of the film? It weren't bad, was it?

908. It was easily better than Harry Potter,

909. which me thought was very childish.

910. if you is watching this, Potter, I is better than you.

911. You probably ain't even slept with a girl.

912. I has slept with three.

913. And I got one of them to play with herself.

914. Whatever you thought of this film, please tell your mates it was wicked

915. cos if this flops, me won't be able to get me nan a new hip.

916. So the choice is yours. No pressure.

917. Nan, come tell them about it.

918. What? You is fallen over again?

919. You done the other one in as well?

920. Don't cry there, all mashed up, a lump of bones.

921. Me will get you the cash to make it better, somehow.

922. Don't be selfish.

923. Buy the merchandise and all.