AJ Goes to the Dog Park (2025)

1. BOSS (over P.A. AJ, come to my office, please.

2. Ope!

3. AJ, you've always been

4. one of our best performers.

5. We'd love to promote you

6. to technical consultant.

7. Yes.

8. I-I mean, I'm flattered, but yes.

9. Uh, sorry, I mean no.

10. I always get those mixed up.

11. But why, why, why do you insist on staying entry-level?

12. Don't you want to get more out of life?

13. A desk, like this desk, made of real oak wood?

14. Nah. Right now everything is just perfect for me.

15. I wake up at 8:30 and make myself

16. buttered toast with cinnamon and sugar.

17. It's great.

18. Then I bike to work, which is also great

19. 'cause and I get to wave hello to the coffee kiosk lady.

20. Work is good... I like that it's easy

21. and my heart rate stays pretty low all day.

22. Then I eat supper with either my married friends or my dad.

23. After that, I go home and watch YouTuubé videos

24. with my dogs until all three of us fall asleep.

25. Sounds pretty good.

26. Oh, my favorite part

27. is when I go to the dog park with Diddy and Biff.

28. I mean, it's kind of just an open field

29. so it gets really windy there,

30. but it is so nice.

31. (sighs) So, you're not ready

32. to take over the family business.

33. Well, what can I say, I'm content.

34. Weeks, months, years...

35. I'm happy to just let them spread by

36. like whipped butter.

37. I understand, son.

38. Thanks, Poppy-Pop.

39. See you at supper.

40. What the W...?

41. What is... What is going on?

42. Whoa-whoa-whoa! No dogs allowed in the blog park.

43. But... But what?

44. Dit-dit-dit! Just take it up with the mayor, Bubbo.

45. AJ: I'm just so confused!

46. Nobody even blogs anymore.

47. 2004 called, they want their blogging back.

48. You know what, AJ,

49. I think you should walk

50. right up to the mayor's office,

51. kick down the door,

52. and tell her exactly what you just said.

53. They don't even open till 8 tomorrow.

54. Well, then I think you

55. should do all of that at exactly 8:00 a.m. tomorrow.

56. I...

57. think I will.

58. Mayor!

59. Me mayor.

60. My father, who bless the stars

61. is still with us,

62. told me to walk up to your office,

63. kick down your door, and tell you

64. exactly what I just said.

65. “I'm so confused!

66. 2004 called, they want their blogging back.”

67. Ah, you've seen my pet project, the Blog Park.

68. Ever since 2004, I've been

69. fighting, fishing, scrapping,

70. scraping, and sapping to make it happen.

71. Until finally, the funding came through.

72. Wait, but...

73. And to your criticism, "nobody blogs anymore,"

74. heh, well, it's a little short-sighted.

75. Technology is cyclical, like fashion.

76. That's why I always wear one bell bottom and one JNCO.

77. What about skinny jeans?

78. Acid wash?

79. Need I say much more?

80. Much more? What a chore!

81. I abhor what you've done to the outdoor I care for.

82. Before I leave through that door,

83. I must implore: this means war,

84. you cultural carnivore!

85. Don't be such bore, you walking saddlesore.

86. Maybe when you have the floor, when you are may-or,

87. the choice of what to do with that land will be yours.

88. And don't forget things, comma, your.

89. Stewp's on!

90. Oh boy, a dish of your patented stew soup!

91. More stuff floating in it than a soup, less than a stew.

92. Just the way you like it, buddy.

93. Just what I need after what's been,

94. honestly, a stinky couple of days.

95. But you know what?

96. What?

97. I may be sad about the dog park,

98. but as long the rest of my perfect life

99. stays in place, I think everything will be A-OK.

100. Well, we've got some bad news.

101. - (leg thumps table) - Uh, I mean good news!

102. - (leg thumps table) - Uh, bad news!

103. Excuse us for a minute.

104. Are you sure we should tell him?

105. What choice do we have? It's happening tomorrow.

106. You're right. The happening

107. can't un-happen, whether we tell AJ

108. it's happening or not.

109. Shall we?

110. Let's shall.

111. Listen, sport.

112. There's something we got to tell you.

113. We're moving to San Antonio.

114. Texas.

115. I know it's a lot of spit to take,

116. but Danny got hired

117. at a fancier architecture firm

118. and I got hired at a schmancier design firm.

119. Those are our jobs.

120. Yeah, it's gonna be hard to leave our home,

121. but... AJ, are you okay?

122. Yeah, it's okay.

123. Go away. I understand.

124. There's no need to cry CG tears.

125. We can still have our suppers over computer.

126. But what about the stewp?

127. We'll ship it to you.

128. Media mail.

129. You're worth it.

130. Thank you. Thank you.

131. Ah, thank you guys so much.

132. You're my best friends. It's great.

133. Whew. What a day!

134. But it's like the Bible says:

135. It's important to stay calm and keep things in perspective.

136. Isaiah 11:16.

137. Now let's watch some YouTuubé videos

138. and fall asleep.

139. Hey AJ, you hear about the buttered toast recall?

140. What am I supposed to eat for breakfast now?

141. Don't worry, we've got materials for this situation.

142. I'm real sorry to hear about your heart rate, son.

143. But we're strapped around here

144. and need to raise the workload 4%.

145. I just don't know what to do.

146. Ever since my dog park got gone, everything's fallen apart.

147. Up is down, down is up,

148. and I'm sad.

149. I know how you feel.

150. You do?

151. But... you're not me.

152. Yes, but I once found myself in a similar situation.

153. I was about your age...

154. After years of happily coaching

155. high school football,

156. I suddenly felt... empty.

157. Adrift.

158. Not correct.

159. My heart... wasn't in it anymore.

160. But who was I to be now, then?

161. I wandered the town in a daze.

162. I ended up on the top of a hill.

163. The beautiful plains of Fargo

164. lay before me at magic hour.

165. I realized

166. what I wanted to do.

167. And I've been doing this ever since.

168. Happy.

169. So you're saying I need to become mayor myself

170. and get my dog park back at all costs?

171. I'm saying you need to find your own way.

172. So please, go.

173. Take as much time as you need.

174. Your job will be here when you're ready.

175. Wow, because I'm your son?

176. No, because you're the main character.

177. Me mayor.

178. - (alert beeps) - Ope!

179. It's time for supper with Morgan and Danny!

180. - (ticking) - Wait, wrong watch.

181. Ha, there it is.

182. So then I was talking to my dad and, bless his heart,

183. he said the only way

184. to get my perfect life back is becoming mayor!

185. Whoa! How do you suppose Mayor became mayor?

186. She said she fought, fished, scrapped, scraped, and sapped.

187. Sounds like you gotta do all those things, in order.

188. Yep, sounds like.

189. - (slurping) Hey, what do you think you're doing?

190. I'm just talking to my friends, Morgan and Danny.

191. They moved out days ago.

192. Huh?

193. They no longer live here anymore.

194. Hmm.

195. This is where me and my family live now.

196. What?

197. Which means it is inappropriate for you to be in this house!

198. Hmph.

199. Because your friends no longer live here!

200. Huh?

201. It's okay, we'll see ourselves out.

202. Bye, AJ!

203. Okay, so the first thing

204. is "fighting."

205. How am I supposed to show that I'm better

206. at fighting than the mayor?

207. I don't really want to fight her...

208. The mayor? Of course not.

209. History lesson time.

210. Anybody who follows local events...

211. knows the mayor beat Luciano Lorimar in the ring

212. as part of her election campaign.

213. - (boxing bell rings) - AJ: Well!

214. You really didn't know this?

215. It was all over the news.

216. I believe I was playing Mario Kart Double Dash

217. on Gamecube at the time.

218. Well, here's a veet turn for ya.

219. She won by utilizing

220. the mythical Carmello Elbow technique.

221. How could I, me, AJ learn that kinda tech?

222. No worry.

223. I've got a wrestling ring in my backyard.

224. - (boxing bell rings) - AJ: Wow!

225. I love how there's a photo

226. of your current backyard in this old book.

227. - You rock! - Thanks.

228. I'll meet you there.

229. All right, first: a simple reflex check.

230. How'd I do?

231. Not bad.

232. It's a good sign your head didn't fly off.

233. Now you do me.

234. Need I say much more?

235. How'd you get so good at fighting, anyway?

236. That's...

237. a story for another time.

238. What time?

239. 3:30 p.m., central.

240. That's a story I'll only answer

241. at 3:30 p.m. central.

242. Oh, well, thanks for telling me twice

243. so I don't forget.

244. Uh, when are we gonna learn the, uhh...

245. Carmen Sandiego technique?

246. Not yet.

247. We got to train your physical form,

248. and rigorously.

249. Let's begin.

250. To master the Carmello Elbow technique

251. you must become...

252. (echoing) your elbow.

253. Bend your mind.

254. Bend your soul.

255. Bend your elbow.

256. Pain.

257. Fear.

258. Uncertainty.

259. They all bend.

260. (whispers) Elbow.

261. Elbow.

262. Elbow.

263. Whaddya think?

264. I think you'd make more progress

265. if you'd stop changing clothes

266. and tearing days off the calendar.

267. But it's not bad for a first day.

268. Hey, we have this reserved for 6:30.

269. Oh, sorry.

270. Could you clean all that up please?

271. Well, that was pretty fun.

272. I guess I'll go home and get some rest.

273. AJ, you're gonna need to really commit

274. if you want to beat Luciano and become mayor.

275. So you're saying I should take my work home with me.

276. No, I'm saying you got to bring your home to your work.

277. So you're saying to make my work my home, within me.

278. I'm saying, take your you home, to your work.

279. And that's the story of how I got my new bed.

280. What happens after that?

281. I feel like we're gonna need more.

282. It feels like we're only

283. in act two at this point.

284. Really, you want more?

285. Don't you think it's getting kinda tiresome?

286. We're already sitting here... the least you could do

287. is justify our investment.

288. I'm trying to reserve my judgment

289. till I experience the final work.

290. Oh. Well, that... is... great!

291. Uh, because there's a lot more,

292. and it actually only gets more compelling!

293. (laughing) I was just bluffing!

294. All right.

295. And several weeks later...

296. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

297. I know what you're thinking.

298. Why haven't we watched YouTuubé lately?

299. Where's the buttered toast?

300. It's really sad to me too,

301. but I'm working really hard to get it all back.

302. I'm not just gonna start watching

303. something other than YouTuubé

304. or eating buttered, like, bagels?

305. That's cute. See, that's why I'm the human

306. and you're the dogs.

307. I know what's best.

308. Well, today's your big day.

309. Yep.

310. After tons of training, I'm finally ready

311. to perform...

312. Oh, no. Today is the big fight.

313. - It's right now. - Wha...?

314. - What? - (crowd cheering)

315. What...?

316. Right here? In my bed?

317. In this ecoboddy?

318. Okay, yeah, I'm really sorry,

319. we were trying to connect up, him and I,

320. and his schedule and our schedule,

321. and we were trying to coordinate,

322. and he had this thing with his aunt,

323. but he's really only available

324. right here, right now.

325. Mm. I will defeat Luciano Lorimar

326. whenever he shows up.

327. About that.

328. (gasps) Whoa-whoa-whoa, wait.

329. So you trained me this whole time

330. to beat... you?

331. It's not that simple.

332. I was born to a hard-working family

333. who owned 600 acres of farmland.

334. We grew a simple crop: hazelnuts.

335. My strict parents started me young scything the fields.

336. They worked me to the bone, preventing me

337. from seeing other kids or even going to school.

338. Father had the only education I needed...

339. or so they said.

340. But dog gone it, those were good times.

341. My family was close, especially me and my dad.

342. I grew to understand he loved me, in his way.

343. Over time,

344. I began to love him back.

345. Then something happened that none of us

346. could have predicted:

347. the rise of sweetened hazelnut cocoa spreads.

348. Suddenly we went from a humble bumper crop

349. to an unstoppable behemoth.

350. Soon we traded in our little cabin for a mansion

351. bigger than anything I'd ever seen.

352. We had everything we ever wanted.

353. I ate truffled caviar every night,

354. and slept in a bed the size of a giraffe.

355. However, my father, through all this success,

356. retreated into himself.

357. He grew sick in the mind, refusing to leave his study.

358. One night I tried to help him.

359. I wanted so desperately to tell him it was okay,

360. to thank him for being tough on me back then.

361. But...

362. That was the last time I saw any of them.

363. With nothing but three hazelnuts in my pocket,

364. I hopped the trains until I ended up here in Fargo.

365. Away from my family,

366. away from my hazelnuts,

367. I had no idea how to be.

368. I wandered the town in a daze.

369. Realizing my surprising elbow strength,

370. which surely came from my years behind a scythe,

371. was all I had.

372. I decided to open an community gym

373. in my backyard.

374. Needing funds to finish construction,

375. I took a handshake deal with the mayor:

376. take the fall in a highly-publicized battle,

377. and she'd provide me with everything I needed:

378. house, wife, kids.

379. As I hit the ground, it felt...

380. familiar.

381. Everything finally made sense in that moment.

382. Ever since, I've been chasing that high.

383. But no opponent was ever strong enough...

384. until now.

385. Okay, well, that's a pretty long story

386. but it does sound like it is that simple.

387. You coulda nutshelled it!

388. Nutshell...

389. Let's rumble, AJ.

390. Don't forget what this is for.

391. What it's for...

392. Very well.

393. Play ball!

394. Come on, AJ.

395. Do it.

396. I...

397. I...

398. You've trained for this moment!

399. Punish me!

400. Aw, yeah,

401. that's the good stuff.

402. Yum.

403. AJ wins!

404. Mayor, you're gonna want to see this.

405. You were right to bring this to me.

406. (scoffs) How else would I have known

407. that Dick Tracy infiltrated

408. the Lunarian base in Antarctica.

409. No, sorry. The other side.

410. Oh, that's much more notable.

411. Mayor.

412. Keep an eye on this so-called AJ.

413. Yes, Mayor.

414. - AJ: Well, that's fighting down. - (dial-up Internet warbling)

415. Guess we got to go with fishing next.

416. All right, what do I need for fishing?

417. Boat?

418. Boat.

419. Boat?

420. Boat.

421. Aye. The mayor campaigned with gusto,

422. but only managed to catch the second biggest fish

423. in this here briny basin.

424. That's lucky.

425. But if you're to catch it, it'll take strength,

426. honor, courage, valor, guts, confidence, glory,

427. fortitude, integrity, nerve, pluck,

428. and maybe if there's time, moxie, heh.

429. Well, don't worry, Captain uh...

430. - Seastab. - Ah, Captain Seastab.

431. I learned a lot of that in my last thing, so...

432. Perfect! So here we sit!

433. Here we fish...

434. for as long as it takes.

435. As long as it takes.

436. Heat signature detected.

437. Closing in on target.

438. Smoke 'em.

439. Is this...? Captain, is that...?

440. It's a fish!

441. (laughing) Keep pullin'!

442. Yank on, boy! Yank on!

443. - Oh, no. - AJ: What?

444. We've danger coming leeward!

445. Hide!

446. Greetings.

447. Happy banyan, officers.

448. We're looking for a guy that looks like this guy.

449. Very dangerous type. Have you seen him?

450. Don't see much from this skipjack these days.

451. Just me and these open freshed waters.

452. Hey, show some respect,

453. look him in the eye when he talks to you.

454. I can look ye in the eye, but fair warning.

455. I've seen things.

456. These eyes contain

457. multitudes of memories.

458. Dreams and nightmares, and nightmares of nightmares,

459. of scenes seen in many times, in many worlds.

460. These eyes will change ye, and ye'll never be the same!

461. He's clean.

462. Over and out.

463. The coast is clear.

464. Phew, that was a close one!

465. What's with the giant coat?

466. What coat?

467. AJ: What a beautiful night this is.

468. What do you see when you look

469. up at the stars?

470. I see...

471. an old friend.

472. Sea-date...

473. present day.

474. We've been aboard this vessel so long,

475. my beard has grown its own beard.

476. Still no sign of the longest fish, but we shan't give up.

477. I can smell it getting nearer.

478. - (cell phone ringing) - Oh!

479. Ope! Uh, do you have a computer I could use?

480. - Yes. - (computer phone ringing)

481. AJ, it's been ages!

482. Hey, Morgo. Hey, Dango. What's new?

483. Well, we have a son now.

484. Meet AJ Jr.

485. Named after his godfather.

486. Hi, AJ. I'm AJ.

487. How's it going?

488. Holy moly! Seastab, help!

489. Reel, me boy! Reel, reel in!

490. I'm trying!

491. My apologies, but this fish is simply not large.

492. (scoffs) Well, that's dumb!

493. AJ...

494. I'm starting to see myself in you.

495. That's cool, right?

496. (sighs) Let me tell you a story.

497. Before I was Captain Seastab,

498. I was Francis Bishop, family man.

499. I lived a pleasant, simple life catching fish by day

500. and catching kisses from my family by night.

501. But somehow, the happiness became...

502. routine.

503. I started to become...

504. snappish.

505. I once had looked at my fellow seamen with kindness,

506. but now I saw them as competition.

507. Why did they catch more fish than me?

508. I deserved more fish, bigger fish, than them.

509. It consumed me.

510. Suddenly, it wasn't enough to be a seaman.

511. I had to be the best seaman, or nothing.

512. The darkness in me grew and grew...

513. I wandered the town in a daze.

514. Nothing was enough.

515. A hole in me heart manifested in front of me.

516. I just kept fishing.

517. I just kept fishing.

518. I just kept fishing.

519. I just kept fishing.

520. I didn't know where I was or how much time had passed,

521. but suddenly I saw everything with clarity.

522. My primal human instinct for more had destroyed my life.

523. I could never see my family again.

524. To this day, I don't know if I'm in reality

525. or an endless Sisyphean hell.

526. Wow, seems like you learned a great lesson.

527. Do you think it...

528. might be relevant to you in any way?

529. Not that I can think of.

530. (scoffs) It's probably nothing.

531. Hot sauce!

532. Phew!

533. I think this is the big one!

534. Yes, but at what cost?

535. Oh, wow, what a scoop!

536. Lookit the size of that pesce!

537. Surely that's larger than the mayor's, I'd say!

538. Ey, swim off, this is my scoop!

539. Hey, what can I say, news travels fast,

540. fast enough for two papes!

541. They both have basically the same headline.

542. Yes, I suppose news travels fast.

543. Evidently, enough for two papes.

544. Well, I say patooie!

545. You two aides knew

546. there was still a big honker in that lake,

547. and you didn't stop that AJ from catching it.

548. - So sorry, Miss Mayor. - I swear we tried.

549. We just couldn't clock him, Miss Mayor.

550. For those of us keeping track,

551. he is a mere three steps away

552. from taking my mayor seat.

553. Scrapping, scraping, and sapping.

554. This is your last chance, aides.

555. I want him off the chess board, understand?

556. Show me!

557. Uh, which one is AJ?

558. Don't ask stupid questions.

559. Yes, you got it!

560. Yes, yes, yes!

561. Yahoo!

562. Wa-wa-wa-hoo!

563. Yippee! - Wahoo!

564. - Yip-yipee! - Yipee!

565. Wahoo!

566. - Yipee! - Ya-yahoo!

567. Ya-yahoo!

568. Wahhh!

569. (yawns) Oh, man.

570. I slept like a chess piece.

571. All right, pups, just three things left.

572. “Scrapping,"scraping," “sapping.”

573. Heh. Thank you.

574. Hey, so those next two,

575. I'm not really sure what to do there.

576. They sound pretty similar.

577. Mmm. “Scrapping and scraping”?

578. They're meant to be different, right?

579. Hey.

580. You're AJ, correct?

581. We saw you in the newspapers.

582. We're big fans, and not bad guy.

583. - May we? - Ah, bonjour.

584. We're here to help with the next steps in your journey.

585. Scrapping and scraping, both.

586. That sounds awfully convenient.

587. What kind of qualifications do you have?

588. Have you read our shirts?

589. Well, how about that!

590. Welcome to the team!

591. Let's make some magic happen.

592. Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, shall we?

593. Let's shall.

594. AJ: Man, this is gonna be great.

595. This is exactly what I need.

596. Knocking out two with one, pshh, easy.

597. Huh? Sorry, I couldn't hear you

598. over the sound of me polishing my gun.

599. Polishing your gun?

600. Oh, sorry, I meant to say...

601. sloshing my gum.

602. I was distracted by polishing my gun.

603. Polishing your gun?

604. Nope, sorry, I meant to say...

605. polishing... my go...

606. I mean not polishing my gun.

607. AJ: Is she polishing a gun?

608. AJ: You know what, guys, it's funny.

609. I think this is the first time

610. I've just been able to sit back, take a breather

611. throughout this whole thing.

612. Isn't that weird?

613. I don't know, I've just... I've been so focused

614. on just, you know, getting my dog park back.

615. (sighs) It's curious.

616. I like it.

617. I like just dedicating all my time to one goal.

618. I like having a purpose.

619. (sighs) Sorry, I'm kinda rambling a little bit.

620. I just feel really at ease right now, you know?

621. Yeah, thanks again, guys.

622. It's so cool to just be out here,

623. alive, jammin' out with ya.

624. - Kneel here. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

625. (grunts) It's really cool

626. that you blindfolded me too,

627. it's like a little vacation for me.

628. I don't even know how long it's been.

629. (scoffs) It's so close though, I can taste it.

630. Mm. Once I'm mayor,

631. everything's gonna be great.

632. Guys, you, uh, you scrappin' and scrapin' out there okay?

633. Uh, is this good trembling I'm feeling?

634. I can't do it!

635. Phew, thank God!

636. I was seriously about to stop you.

637. I don't wanna be doing this!

638. Wait a second...

639. You're those suit people!

640. - You are bad guy! - Whoa, AJ.

641. It's a bit more complicated than that.

642. You see, the words you just said,

643. well, they spoke volumes.

644. Hit us to the core.

645. Put things in sharp relief.

646. Completely rocked our worldview.

647. It was like...

648. seeing The Matrix (1999) for the first time.

649. Love that video.

650. You know, AJ...

651. I think we should tell you how we ended up here.

652. I too think we should tell you how we ended up here.

653. I had an ordinary childhood

654. on a farm outside Fargo.

655. You could say I was a normal kid,

656. even an uninteresting one.

657. I tended to hover around the background,

658. unacknowledged by others.

659. This lead me to be a weak-willed type,

660. so I was quick to fall into a bad crowd

661. as I grew older.

662. It wasn't long before I got into trouble and ended up...

663. - in military academy. - in Catholic school.

664. Against all odds, I flourished.

665. Sorry, could I stop you a second?

666. Did you guys ever wander the town in a daze

667. for like a little bit, or...?

668. - I don't... I think maybe? - I guess I don't remember.

669. Huh. Okay, okay.

670. Anyway, after graduating with near perfect marks,

671. I applied for an assistant gig with the mayor.

672. And I found unexpected camaraderie

673. in my first real friend...

674. - ... him. - ... her.

675. We spent so many late nights working there,

676. but it didn't even matter because we had so much fun.

677. And then one day, hot out of nowhere,

678. like a bat out of hell, it happened.

679. What on earth?

680. Was this allowed?

681. It felt like we had invented it.

682. So, apparently what we did is called “kissing.”

683. So there's precedent!

684. And I'm not seeing anything in here

685. that says it's illegal.

686. Goodness, gracious.

687. Should...

688. Should we do it again?

689. Yes, I believe we should.

690. In fact, I think we'll do it every day from here on out.

691. Hooray!

692. Life progressed as usual,

693. but... different.

694. We kept doing the mayor's bidding,

695. but something had changed.

696. Y'know, I thought I enjoyed

697. having structure in my life,

698. but I'm realizing I just liked

699. being told what to do.

700. It felt freeing

701. to give control to someone else,

702. like there was less chaos in this life.

703. But... it wasn't real.

704. From now on, the only person

705. I want telling me what to do is...

706. you.

707. Hearing you speak about your feelings, AJ,

708. I realized we have so much in common.

709. Yeah, you're just another people, like us.

710. With your own struggles and needs.

711. And thinking about it now,

712. you may not deserve to die

713. for wanting your dog park back.

714. You were gonna kill me?

715. Whoa, “gonna” is a strong word.

716. I think the important thing is that we didn't.

717. Hey, I agree.

718. Let's pivot to what we're “gonna” do now, huh?

719. You put that in my words and now I'm calm.

720. But this puts dog park plans in flux!

721. Hey, what am I gonna do about scraping and scrapping?

722. Unless you just lied about working for the mayor,

723. and you're actually fully licensed scrapers and scrappers?

724. Oh, no, we are definitely licensed.

725. It was part of our mayoral aide training.

726. Well, that... That feels pretty specific.

727. Well, that might feel like it seems pretty specific,

728. but the mayor has to beef up her resume

729. and make it roll off the tongue.

730. “Fighting, fishing, scrapping, scraping, and sapping”?

731. Now, that sounds good.

732. That sounds like something that could sustain us

733. through the second act of a movie.

734. Well, “sustain” is kind of a strong word.

735. I now pronounce you

736. the best scrapper and scraper in town.

737. You may kiss the bride.

738. Uh, you two wouldn't be able to do this

739. for the "sapping" part, would you?

740. Nah, you're gonna have to do that one up for real.

741. Ope, here's my stop.

742. We have some documents at our place

743. that might help.

744. Here it is.

745. Well, it looks like the mayor found out

746. we're on AJ's side now.

747. Ahhh, that's the stuff!

748. You! Aides! Bad!

749. Betrayers! Bad!

750. Whew, well, I'm glad she didn't say anything about me.

751. And you, AJ,

752. the bespectacled demon who has conspired

753. to take everything from me.

754. You are more bad than bad.

755. And you're certainly not “so bad it's good,”

756. as I get no ironic pleasure from you whatsoever.

757. You, AJ, are atrocious!

758. Atrocious, maybe,

759. but at least I wasn't just on fire.

760. (gasps) That's a low blow.

761. Listen. Mayor.

762. There's still a chance to end this rivalry.

763. Just give me my dog park back and it'll all be over.

764. Okay. Okay, now that was “so bad it's good.”

765. That was so charming it's like outsider art.

766. No, I don't think I'll be giving away

767. my Blog Park anytime soon.

768. (scoffs) And I will be ending this rivalry...

769. tomorrow, at the Fargo Sapfest.

770. I'll sap the shit out of you and then this'll all be over.

771. Heh. Bye-bye.

772. Don't take this the wrong way,

773. but don't you have your own place?

774. No time for that.

775. (sniffs) Sapping tomorrow.

776. (yawns) It all comes down to...

777. this.

778. What?

779. I couldn't think of a good rhyme.

780. Besides, he's asleep.

781. Good point.

782. He won't remember.

783. Let's go to bed, too.

784. AJ: I will never forget that bad rhyme

785. as long as I draw breath.

786. Well, AJ, how do you feel?

787. Yeah, pretty good, except for I have no idea

788. how to sap a tree, so...

789. That's okay, there are a bunch of tutorials

790. on YouTuubé, see?

791. What's up, guys?

792. It looks like this year is gonna be a great year

793. for the Taps and Tubes community.

794. I'm SapperFlash45,

795. and this video is a tutorial

796. to take you through the best ways

797. to sap your trees

798. with all the latest announced taps.

799. If you want the full sap tutorials

800. with no ad breaks, don't forget

801. to become a Super Sap supporter...

802. which leads us to this video's sponsor:

803. Legends of Railguns.

804. This is a free to download, free to play,

805. mobile tower defense game.

806. And if you sign up now with the code “TreeSapper,”

807. you can get 20 free cyber diamonds!

808. Welcome sap fans

809. and enthusiasts of the AJ/Mayor rivalry alike

810. to this year's Fargo Sapfest!

811. As you all know, our sappers will have five minutes

812. to sap as much sap as possible.

813. Whoever saps the most sap...

814. By volume, not by weight...

815. will be the winner of today's Sapfest,

816. and by ancient Fargo law, our mayor.

817. In this corner, you know her, you fear her,

818. the bodacious bringer of our burgeoning blog park...

819. The mayor!

820. And in this corner, the sultan of brown hair,

821. the kaiser of glasses, the baron of ordinary build...

822. AJ!

823. All right, fellas,

824. I want a good clean fight.

825. That is speaking morally, of course we all expect

826. to get very dirty physically.

827. Audience, please apply the sap-guards we provided.

828. And may the best mayor win.

829. First blood!

830. Come on, come on. Mwah.

831. But of course, one tree won't cut it.

832. No, sir, nor no, ma'am.

833. It's neck and neck!

834. Ahhh!

835. Well said, and I agree.

836. You might as well give up now.

837. Why?

838. Because I want you to.

839. And I'm tired.

840. Well, that's too bad,

841. because I've got a secret weapon.

842. - What's that? - This!

843. Oh, no! Is that allowed?

844. There ain't nothing in the rulebook

845. that says no pushing.

846. Wow, that seems like

847. a pretty big oversight, honestly.

848. This is the worst Sapfest since '93.

849. Don't give up.

850. It's your time, little seaswab.

851. I believe in you, son.

852. Just one last push, slugger.

853. Hey, I'm you.

854. Well, after seeing ghostly visages

855. of people who are mostly a few hundred yards away,

856. AJ is back on his feet and out for blood... I mean sap.

857. While he was on the ground, the mayor got

858. all the remaining trees except one.

859. It's a dead heat and a dead lock.

860. Whoever gets the most sap from this tree will be the new mayor.

861. I can hardly keep my ass alive!

862. Drip for me! Drip!

863. Come on, come on!

864. Momma needs a new pair

865. of still being the mayor!

866. I guess it was all for naught,

867. you pathetic waste of life!

868. (laughs) Why don't you go fucking die,

869. you worm, you nothing!

870. Jeez.

871. AJ: Come on, think, think.

872. Is there anything I can do to even the scales?

873. Anything I've learned during my journey

874. that might be useful? Huh...

875. God, it makes my elbow itch just thinking about it.

876. Wait... elbow!

877. Yeah, that's my elbow.

878. That's my son.

879. - She's gonna blow! - Take cover!

880. AJ wins!

881. And he is the winner!

882. Sorry, but town law dictates

883. that you must now give up your mayor seat

884. and accept the 2nd place prize of a hundred million dollars.

885. Three cheers for our new mayor!

886. Hip-hip, AJ! Hip-hip, AJ!

887. Hip-hip, AJ! Hip-hip, AJ!

888. Mayor. - Please, call me Mayor.

889. Would you like to see today's mayorialy reports?

890. Your mayorialy buttered toast, sir?

891. Aides, aides, please.

892. You've worked enough.

893. I insist you take a vacation.

894. Here, I got you Hawaii tickets.

895. Wow. Thanks, Mayor AJ.

896. But what are you gonna do?

897. Well, something

898. I've been wanting to do for a long time.

899. Excuse me, ma'am, what year is it?

900. What a funny question, Mayor AJ.

901. Why, it's 2039 of course!

902. It's been 15 years.

903. No!

904. Me old! Me scared!

905. Oh, Papa!

906. What of Papa?

907. Pop... Oh, Papa! You're all right.

908. Not exactly, son.

909. I have some bad news.

910. That's right, I've gotten into

911. custom stone etching and engraving.

912. Take a close look.

913. That doesn't seem like bad news.

914. Sorry, I meant good news.

915. I always get those two mixed up.

916. Oh, Dad, you gotta help me!

917. I can't find my pups!

918. Well, when I've not paid attention to someone

919. for 15 years, I usually look them up on social media.

920. How to social media!

921. Normally, I'd cozy up at the ol' blog park

922. and social media on one of their rigs,

923. but since that's not an option,

924. I suppose you could use the library.

925. To the library I go.

926. Just in case.

927. And that is the story of how I ended up at the library.

928. Huh. Dang, they went to college.

929. I got what I needed,

930. but this would be a lot better in open-air.

931. What did I tell ya?

932. Gah! Mayor!

933. Why aren't you 15 years older like me?

934. Because we saw each other last week.

935. Well, why aren't you still trying to kill me?

936. Ha ha ha! Oh, AJ.

937. After it was all done, I realized I was substituting

938. having a goal for being a fully formed person.

939. And you left all those people behind in the process.

940. We're not so not similar, you and I.

941. AJ, I want to help you.

942. You're saying you want to team up,

943. like Sandman and Venom in Spider-Man 3 (2007)?

944. I've never seen that video.

945. Diddy? Biff? Diddy? Biff?

946. AJ, look!

947. Come in.

948. I'm here, my babies!

949. You just missed them.

950. Zuh-whuh?

951. They're headed to the airport

952. to study abroad in Prague this semester.

953. No. Nooo!

954. Uh, you don't recognize me?

955. I dunno, you're some dumb kid

956. with stupid brown hair and four gorgeous eyes.

957. Oh. AJ, I'm your godson, AJ Jr.

958. Oh, my God!

959. Why do you look like me instead of Danny or Morgan?

960. Well, I styled myself off of vintage Polaroids of you.

961. Heh. I thought you were cool, but...

962. you left Diddy and Biff all alone for so long.

963. They were without a father figure for years.

964. In other words, I plan to eventually get around

965. to changing my physical appearance

966. to something more like my parents.

967. Maybe after finals...

968. No, please!

969. I want to make it right!

970. He wants to make it right.

971. Thanks for the backup, Mayor.

972. Okay, but you've only got one chance.

973. May I?

974. Learned this from my grand-god-dad.

975. If you hurry, you'll catch them before their flight.

976. Hey, AJ Jr.

977. I'm a sorry.

978. You are?

979. Yes, I am one sorry.

980. Those aren't my dogs, that's just two hot dogs.

981. I assumed we were talking about two hot dogs this whole time.

982. What? Does that mean you think dog parks

983. are for hot d... You know what, never mind.

984. We don't have time for this, we'll unpack that later!

985. Tickets please?

986. (gasps) Oh.

987. Carry on.

988. Mom, the mayors were here.

989. No, I didn't.

990. No. Is Dad still alive?

991. Hey, don't forget your shoes.

992. (sighs) Darn George W. Bush.

993. Not my president.

994. There they are!

995. Ah, dang, we're too late.

996. AJ, look closer.

997. Diddy, Biff!

998. I barely recognized you!

999. Oh, man, guys.

1000. Age has just ravaged your little cherubic faces.

1001. Heh. But I'm one to talk, right?

1002. Oh. But I have some good news.

1003. We got our dog park back!

1004. You guys don't have to go to Prague after all.

1005. So, just come with me

1006. and everything will just be right back to how it was.

1007. Backpack?

1008. Backpack?

1009. AJ JR.: They're not going back to your pack.

1010. What? Why not?

1011. I just did everything to get our lives back, and I'm here.

1012. Sure, you're here now.

1013. But you didn't do everything.

1014. You missed everything.

1015. AJ JR.: You just remember the happy times.

1016. And sure, there were lots of happy times.

1017. You loved them and they loved you.

1018. Like you, they were incensed

1019. when the dog park was taken away.

1020. They were happy to support you in your quest to get it back.

1021. That is, at first they were.

1022. Slowly, you started to focus more

1023. on your goal than anything else.

1024. You became a stranger.

1025. So what else were they to do now, then?

1026. They couldn't wait around forever.

1027. In the dark of night,

1028. they decided to find their own way.

1029. AJ: Uh, except maybe they didn't have to,

1030. because I love 'em so mu...

1031. You know, I realized I love 'em so much.

1032. AJ JR.: AJ, what are you doing?

1033. AJ: Just hear me out here.

1034. Let's say, uh, I gave up the whole thing

1035. and, uh, Vinmeö is just as good.

1036. It was all fine now

1037. and then, you know, uh, who needs buttered toast?

1038. We've got bagels,

1039. and actually, it turns out

1040. that bagels are a better value than toast.

1041. More calories, more filling.

1042. A nice, hearty meal.

1043. And I mean, sure, there was a blog park,

1044. but, heh, come on,

1045. it's not such a big deal, I mean, right?

1046. There's actually quite a lot of places

1047. you can take a dog that are, you know,

1048. basically just as good.

1049. I mean, look at how happy we actually are.

1050. Everything was, uh...

1051. And everything was just great.

1052. Then, you know, Diddy and Biff

1053. never did meet AJ Jr... Well, okay,

1054. they probably did meet 'em at some point,

1055. but, like, they didn't have to go

1056. or leave or anything like that.

1057. It was all chill.

1058. And I did a great job

1059. understanding everybody's emotions.

1060. AJ JR.: AJ, what are you doing?

1061. Oh, hey, AJ Jr.

1062. In here, I didn't make the mistake

1063. of ignoring everybody.

1064. So I'm just gonna stick with this, I think.

1065. AJ JR.: I'm not sure...

1066. AJ, Diddy and Biff were all happy

1067. with all the replacements to our routines

1068. and everything went back to normal.

1069. Danny and Morgan decided to move back to Fargo

1070. and live with Luciano

1071. because they all love me so much.

1072. Stewp's on.

1073. AJ: The mayor and I sorted it all out.

1074. Turns out, well,

1075. we actually have a lot in common.

1076. And we thought, hey, why not

1077. just combine the two park ideas, hmm?

1078. I came up with the name.

1079. Pretty clever, right?

1080. “Blog Bark.”

1081. - It's pretty clever. - Right?

1082. You might be wondering about liabilities,

1083. like people with allergies.

1084. Easy solution...

1085. Hey, what's that over there?

1086. What...? I dunno, I'm nearsighted.

1087. AJ: We were all really happy and we got older.

1088. But getting older was okay because we were all happy.

1089. It was a long and satisfying life

1090. filled with love and loafs.

1091. Once I passed,

1092. Diddy and Biff would be free

1093. to do whatever they'd like:

1094. go to college or whatever it was.

1095. They could be happy...

1096. and I could finally rest.

1097. So happy that I didn't die!

1098. AJ JR.: AJ.

1099. AJ JR.: AJ, listen to me.

1100. I never died.

1101. I just kept living on and on.

1102. No regrets, no mistakes.

1103. AJ JR.: AJ, snap out of it!

1104. What? What?

1105. Hello? What?

1106. They're gone.

1107. No! No, they're not!

1108. Look!

1109. Look closer.

1110. Oh...

1111. They had to catch plane.

1112. Ohh...

1113. Listen, it's not that

1114. you can't reconnect with them,

1115. it's just that you can't

1116. reconnect with them at, like, the exact moment

1117. it suddenly became important to you.

1118. Ohh...

1119. You can catch up later, over computer.

1120. Ohh-ver-computer.

1121. Yeah, or when they come back for Christmas.

1122. Everybody comes back for Christmas.

1123. Oh, holy night.

1124. You know, your solipsistic fantasy was sort of messed up,

1125. but there were some good ideas in there.

1126. Oh?

1127. Like, why don't you and Mayor

1128. share the park?

1129. Hmm...

1130. We do like each other now.

1131. - We do, don't we? - Mmm.

1132. What a scoop!

1133. First adversaries and now compadres!

1134. Ey, kinda like us!

1135. Ha ha! Ha ha!

1136. Ha ha!

1137. You know, Mayor, I think

1138. that you should have your mayor job back.

1139. Here.

1140. I appreciate it, but no thanks.

1141. I've had my time in the seat... I was mayor for 20 years.

1142. You have. Long time. You're right.

1143. I just think now is the moment for new leadership, you know?

1144. But who, who, who can do it?

1145. So, what did we miss?

1146. Our first act as mayors is to insist

1147. that you finally take a moment to catch up

1148. with everybody you left behind during this whole adventure.

1149. 'kay.

1150. Hey. I'm sorry I went so far.

1151. I still have a lot of growing to do, but...

1152. If you'd let me,

1153. I'd like to be part of your life again.

1154. Thanks for listening,

1155. and again, I sure am sorry.

1156. I'm not the same coffee kiosk lady.

1157. Think about how long it's been.

1158. Oh. Yeah, that makes sense.

1159. AJ, is that you?

1160. I run the coffee kiosk now.

1161. Uh, hey, uh, so do you have, like, a name?

1162. I've been calling you Mayor this whole time.

1163. I think I did... once.

1164. But I don't remember.

1165. Well, that's no good.

1166. Everyone needs a name.

1167. Even former mayors.

1168. It's not too late, why don't you give it a shot.

1169. Okay, sure.

1170. What the hay.

1171. I think I'll call myself...

1172. Air.

1173. I love it!

1174. So what are you gonna do now, Air?

1175. You know, I've always secretly dreamt

1176. of being a technical consultant.

1177. But how do you break in to such a competitive industry?

1178. Need you say much more.

1179. You're hired.

1180. I've been waiting for this day... for so long.

1181. Why, is it Christmastime already?

1182. Thank you, Lord.

1183. It's good seeing these computers are on

1184. way out here in winter's time.

1185. Yeah, that's cool.

1186. Are you okay, little lamprey?

1187. You seem distracted.

1188. Yeah, I guess. I just...

1189. You know, I just hope they come.

1190. You're sure they got the invitations, right?

1191. Yes. You sent them Media Mail... with tracking.

1192. Yeah, yeah, you're right.

1193. Maybe I'll just close my eyes until...

1194. Room for four more?

1195. (whispers) Thank you for forgiving me.

1196. So, AJ, what have you been up to?

1197. I don't know, just taking it easy, I guess.

1198. Trying to kinda savor my time

1199. like a nice chewy steak.

1200. AJ: But hey, what are we waiting for?

1201. Let's party!

1202. AJ: Yay!

1203. AJ: Whee!

1204. I'm the military school guy. Huh?

1205. You know, from the Suit Aide flashback!

1206. AJ!

1207. It is I, Demon Lord Krogloch.

1208. I have risen to destroy Fargo

1209. and summon my army of haunted skeletons

1210. to annihilate you!

1211. Wha...? What's happening?

1212. Oh, geez!

1213. My favorite grocery store!

1214. My favorite movie store!

1215. This is AJ, calling all air units.

1216. We gotta light this guy up.

1217. Don't worry, AJ, we're gonna light this guy up.

1218. Big Doggie to Snow Hornet: verify target.

1219. Target verified, Big Doggie.

1220. I'm gonna be poundin' a couple of cold ones

1221. after this.

1222. That the only thing

1223. you're gonna be pounding, Stinger?

1224. No, I'm sorry, Snow Hornet.

1225. Did you want an invitation?

1226. Cut the chatter.

1227. Let's light this guy up.

1228. Whoo-hoo!

1229. Roll herd! Horns up!

1230. Watch the hands, guys!

1231. Oh, yeah!

1232. - Stinger? - What is it, Snow Hornet?

1233. You've been a good friend.

1234. - Snow Hornet! - Snow Hornet!

1235. Big Doggie, launch the black scorpions.

1236. Come on...

1237. Big Doggie, get out of there!

1238. He's got shock powers!

1239. Big Doggie...

1240. Stinger, bone mace tail, 9:00

1241. No!

1242. Oh, no, my favorite butter burger store.

1243. AJ, check this out.

1244. Rise, my midnight children.

1245. Ope!

1246. You're gonna need this, son.

1247. Why would you want to destroy little ol' us?

1248. Because we claim this lot as the Krogloch Park!

1249. That doesn't even rhyme!

1250. Rhyme this, puny mortals!

1251. AJ: Everything I've gone through,

1252. everything I've learned,

1253. it all makes sense now.

1254. It all comes down to this!