Airheads (1994)

1. Oh, yeah.

2. That was for all you pinheads out there

3. too hip to take off your leather jackets in this 95-degree heat.

4. Now, I know when the weather gets like this, it brings all you nutbags

5. out of the woodpile, and since I am a trouble magnet,

6. I have one thing to say to you bozos, and that is "back off."

7. Here's the Suns of Thunder from their debut album

8. "Scrambled Eggs and Wobbly Legs."

9. You're listening to Ian the "Shark" on the station with more hair,

10. more flare, yet so debonair,

11. Rebel Radio-o-o.

12. Since your name is not on the list... hey! Hey!

13. You've gotta check in here!

14. Let's get some security on the second floor.

15. We've got a bogey in elevator one.

16. It's that guy in the delivery uniform again.

17. Okay, now be wild. Be as wild as you want.

18. If you feel like wetting yourself, go with it, okay?

19. Anarchy's good. They like anarchy, okay?

20. What are we supposed to say?

21. What? Don't say anything. Are you kidding me?

22. Geez, do you wanna blow this?

23. Do you know how much these stupid hats set me back?

24. Oh, no. Hey, excuse me.

25. Mike, it's him. The whacko's back.

26. Yeah, I'm up here in A and R right now.

27. I don't see him anywhere.

28. Oh, hey, dude.

29. Hey, hi. Are you, like, an executive here or something?

30. How you doing? My name's Chazz.

31. Chazz Darvey. Listen, I'm in this band, right,

32. and we just cut this incredibly sweet demo.

33. I think you should hear it. It'll put a shine on your stinger.

34. I can't take that tape from you.

35. It's called unsolicited material and the lawyers would have a fit.

36. Okay, but this is the real thing, man. This is rock 'n' roll.

37. None of that, you know, gimmicky stuff that Milli Vanilli... haircuts...

38. Listen, I would love to hear it,

39. but if it's unsolicited, I can't touch it.

40. Look, we've been trying to get solicited. We play all the clubs and...

41. Well, maybe a gimmick would help. The cream always rises, okay?

42. Super-duper. Thanks.

43. All right, dude. Thanks...

44. You again?

45. You just can't learn, can you, scumbag?

46. Take care now.

47. Here's your tape.

48. Hey. How was your day?

49. Barry is a tremendous asshole.

50. He had this whole stack of invoices

51. and he made me arrange them by date.

52. - He's such a tweaker. - Sucks.

53. Did you mail the rent?

54. You didn't leave me a stamp.

55. Well, do you think maybe you could've gone and bought one?

56. Ow.

57. Chazz!

58. What the hell happened to my makeup?

59. Fell in the toilet.

60. Shit. Babe, come on.

61. I told you not to leave it on the tank.

62. You ruined my makeup, you butt!

63. What is this attitude, Kayla, huh?

64. Do you know what I've been through today?

65. I guess you woke up when the sun was warm

66. and rode your Harley up and down Melrose

67. impressing all the 15-year-old girls, right?

68. I was down at Palatine Records.

69. That's where I was.

70. Really? What happened?

71. I had a meeting with a big record executive.

72. What did he say? Why didn't you tell me?

73. Well, we talked about solicitation

74. and guy said he'd snap us up in a second

75. if it weren't for the lawyers being such dingleberries.

76. Did he like the tape?

77. I was just about to give it to him and then a security guard showed up

78. and ruined everything, man.

79. - Come on. - Please.

80. Hey, it's true. Look, I'm making really good contacts.

81. I am. When they hear this song, they're gonna go apeshit.

82. It's just gonna take some time, Kayla, all right?

83. - What's the big deal? - The "big deal"

84. is that I'm doing the bullshit work

85. and you're living the rock 'n' roll life.

86. I wanna live the life, too.

87. I'm doing this for us.

88. Come on, babe.

89. You know that once I make it, you got a free ride.

90. I'm gonna treat you like gold.

91. Chazz, it's been months.

92. Maybe you should get a job.

93. This... this is my job, okay?

94. I am trying managers, record executives,

95. club owners, that's hard work.

96. You get to sit in a nice office all day smoking and drinking coffee.

97. - This is bullshit! - Oh, my snout.

98. You bastard! I hate you.

99. You are nobody and you are never gonna be anybody.

100. I can't believe this. You're treating me like some neckless goober

101. after I wrote this song for you?

102. Oh, you wrote that song before you even met me.

103. - So. - So...

104. Get out! Get out now!

105. - Man, I'm not taking... - Get lost!

106. - Okay, okay, okay, okay. Kayla? - Go! Keep going!

107. - Lighten up. - You poser.

108. I always knew you were a loser!

109. Everyone warned me!

110. I hate your music! I always have!

111. She booted you out again, huh?

112. What a bitch.

113. I mean, that that happened.

114. Hey, it don't mean squat, man.

115. She's gonna be jonesing six months from now

116. when we're on the cover of "Rip" magazine looking all... cool.

117. - Shut up. - Just saying.

118. - Rex. - What?

119. I told you to stock the endcaps and mop the employee lounge.

120. Too late, Zachary, I'm outta here.

121. - I'm gonna tell old man Covington. - Oh, be quiet.

122. - Hey, Chazz, what's up? - What's up?

123. - He's moving in with us for awhile. - Get outta here, man.

124. That's great. We can rock out after breakfast.

125. Yeah, man, things are gonna start happening to us.

126. No matter what that chimp from Palatine Records says.

127. You see, that's just it. That's the way you guys think.

128. Think everything's gonna happen to you.

129. You gotta make it happen.

130. How many practices have you missed

131. 'cause you're cleaning up some stiff's pool?

132. Get in the truck, dingus.

133. I'll be right there.

134. Man, Chazz is right.

135. All we gotta do is make our own action, you know?

136. That's the way it is, little bro.

137. Do you think Tommy Lee sat around and waited for the bus?

138. Man, he hustled.

139. That's how come he gets to live in the Hills and pork Heather Locklear.

140. Yeah, well, we got the look, man. We're gonna be huge.

141. Yeah, we're almost there.

142. You know, Chazz says once we get a record contract,

143. they got these chicks with breast implants

144. that pick out your stage clothes.

145. Oh, dude, cover your mouth.

146. You're shooting phlegm all over my ass.

147. - Say gesundheit. - Slobberhead.

148. I say it for you, man.

149. Honey, I'm home.

150. Hey, Pip, check this out.

151. Oh, oh, the Incredible Crash Dummies. Whoo!

152. You must've five-fingered most of the store by now.

153. No, man. I mean, most of these guns are discontinued anyway.

154. Like this oozy water pistol's from a flash battalion combat set.

155. They got rid of it because it looked too real.

156. Mama.

157. Wow. Now you've got yourself a whole arsenal here.

158. - What are you doing? - Pepper sauce.

159. Active ingredient: capsicum.

160. You blast this in somebody's face and they're all like,

161. "Oh, oh!"

162. If some Hollywood Boulevard trash comes shimmying up the rain pipe...

163. - Hey! - Whoa!

164. Listen up, you lowlifes!

165. What the hell are we doing here on a Thursday night?

166. That's right, rock 'n' roll!

167. Okay, we're here to party tonight

168. with our little buddies

169. the Suns of Thunder.

170. Suns of Thunder, man,

171. didn't we blow queens off the stage at Chez Bang six months ago?

172. So why don't all you little idiots

173. press your faces up against the speakers

174. and blow your brains out?

175. Look at all this crap. What do we give away first,

176. the hats or the hair care products?

177. Girls, you wanna get us a couple drinks, please?

178. I like this one, baby! Ow!

179. Ooh, serious bumper.

180. You wanna punch it up a little bit, Ian?

181. You're about as spunky as a corpse out there.

182. The Suns of Thunder, for Christ's sake?

183. Pablum. How can you even tell these bands apart?

184. I read the trades.

185. First of all, I'd like to say thanks to Ian

186. and Rebel Radio for playing our single

187. and basically getting us signed.

188. Is this on?

189. Look at them stupid pantaloons they're wearing.

190. That's what we gotta do.

191. Well, it looks like they're carrying a load in them pants.

192. No, they played their song on the radio

193. and they got an album and everything. That's what we gotta do.

194. Look, all we've got to do is get them to play the tape and we're golden.

195. This is never gonna work.

196. Pip, damn it, what is your problem?

197. Remember that guy "Doper" Greg?

198. Remember that guy, man?

199. He used to blow bong hits in his iguana's face

200. and try to make the thing watch cartoons with him all the time.

201. So what? Will you shut up?

202. Just get to the point. What?

203. Well, he won this radio giveaway.

204. And when he went down to the station, they wouldn't let him in the building.

205. It was, like, this total security building.

206. They slide his tickets through this little slot

207. with, like, salad tong things.

208. Oh, so just because that anus couldn't get in,

209. - does that mean that we can't? - Anybody gives us any static,

210. - I shove this in their face. - Ah!

211. Yeah, but remember that fat kid on "Hard Copy" with the toy gun?

212. The cop zapped him with a Taser until he went bald.

213. But then he sued 'em for a million bucks when his pubes wouldn't grow in.

214. Still got no hair on his balls, man.

215. Go to the back.

216. - It's locked. - Pip, give me your bank card.

217. - Yeah. - Come on, let's go.

218. - I'll get this door open. - Let's go, let's go, let's go.

219. Piece of cake. Watch this.

220. - What's your secret code? - Huh? What for?

221. - That's how these things work. - I can't tell you my code.

222. Will you get over there and tell him the code and hurry up.

223. - You punch in the code, okay? - Okay, all right.

224. Please, don't look.

225. Hey! The thing took my card!

226. Shit. All right, stand back.

227. What are you doing, MacGyver?

228. Open it up, I'm gonna short-circuit it.

229. Nah.

230. Oh, man, we almost got in. That's too bad, let's get going.

231. Hey, Pip, you backstabber. What are you, quitting out on us?

232. - What? The door's locked. - Oh, man, you're such a flake.

233. You don't even care about this band, do you?

234. You run around in the apartment all day in your "fudgies".

235. - That's not true! - It is, too!

236. I always gotta tell you to put pants on when somebody comes over.

237. - He's making this up! - Will you both shut up?

238. Please! Okay, you're brothers, all right?

239. Come on, man, we ain't locked out yet.

240. - Stay here, Pip. - Ah!

241. You got a big mouth, man!

242. Hey, Pip.

243. Oh, my God.

244. Pip, Pip!

245. Oh, my... here.

246. Are you all right?

247. 'Cause I'm really sorry. I just came out for a cigarette.

248. It's all right, don't worry about it.

249. 'Cause I'm really sorry. I just came out and bonk.

250. - Hi. - Hi.

251. Suzzi, caller 50 needs some tickets.

252. Um, shit. I gotta go.

253. Bye-

254. Yes! Sweetness!

255. Come on.

256. There we go.

257. Tired of getting burned too close?

258. Tired of losing your women to suave rockers...

259. You wanna make a change, right?

260. If you wanna get serious about your look,

261. get to the Hair Bomb on Melrose.

262. - What the... - Huh?

263. - See, it's all there. - Oh.

264. Coloring, razor cuts, popcorn, perms, and weaves.

265. It brings out the rock star in you.

266. Well, this is beautiful.

267. Well, I try to be a team player.

268. Oh, I'm gonna need you to come in tomorrow.

269. I'm cutting loose a lot of deadweight. There's gonna be a lot going on here.

270. - Oh, boy. - Problem?

271. Well, I've been having a little bit of, um, itching

272. on my, um...

273. - I mean, it could be hemorrhoids. - I don't wanna hear that, Gary.

274. No, I know, I know. It's just that I made an appointment

275. with my proctologist

276. to get some type of cream or something.

277. So you're gonna leave me high and dry, huh?

278. Oh, that's a nice team attitude.

279. Well, I, um, suppose I could come in for most of Saturday.

280. - And Sunday. - Well, yeah, yeah.

281. Now, when are you planning on breaking this to everyone?

282. Well, I thought I'd wait for exactly the right moment.

283. I mean, these things require

284. a certain measure of delicacy.

285. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. It's swamp motorcycle racing at its best.

286. The USSBA brings the ultimate action, swamp-race action.

287. 60,000 cubic feet of muddy slop...

288. Hey.

289. We're a band.

290. Oh, of course, the Partridge Family.

291. Which one of you is Laurie?

292. - Get out. - Listen, we just came down

293. to talk to you about our demo tape.

294. We were wondering if maybe you could set us up, you know?

295. - Like you did with the Sons of Thunder. - How did you morons even get in here?

296. They've got electronic locks on all the doors.

297. Well, we had to break in.

298. You guys got this place sealed up like a dolphin's butt.

299. Watertight!

300. Let me get this straight.

301. You guys are an unsigned band,

302. and you broke into the radio station to get your demo played on the air?

303. That's about the slow and skinny of it.

304. And what sound are you megastars of the future hip to?

305. What is your musical vibe?

306. - Well... - That's a good question.

307. - We could play anything. - Not that slap-bass noise. I hate that.

308. R's more “kn a power flop.

309. We don't like to limit ourselves to labels.

310. Yeah, I mean, there's always someone out there

311. who always wants to lump you together with the other long-haired buttholes,

312. but this is one of the things that we're struggling against.

313. I'm telling you, it is tough.

314. - This guy knows. - I got booted out of Palatine Records,

315. my girlfriend kicks me out of the apartment...

316. Well, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to conjure up

317. the kind of woman who would go out with you.

318. She's not like what you'd think.

319. She's actually really cool and, well...

320. I guess what it all comes down to is that

321. we really care about each other and I screwed up.

322. She's been there for me, practically from the beginning.

323. I think I let her down, but I still want us to be tight.

324. Uh-oh, I think we're busted.

325. What did I do now?

326. Get these guys out. Are we still on air?

327. Listen, Milo, I get six minutes of talk time an hour.

328. - What do you care how I spend them? - Get these morons off the air.

329. - I'm warning you, Ian. - Ease up, Grumpy.

330. - Somebody gave you a break once. - Even though you're a goon.

331. I say we make this an open forum. Let's hear the man out.

332. Go ahead, Conan. Explain to Milo why we should play your tape.

333. I'm not pulling pud here, all right?

334. My entire life force is on this tape and I don't know what else to say.

335. - Come on, man, can you give us a shot? - How can you say no to that?

336. You're on thin ice, Ian. You're not untouchable.

337. - You think you are, but you're not. - Get out of my booth.

338. Without me, you don't have any ratings.

339. We'll see about that.

340. Let's go. Out! All you losers, come on.

341. Get your hands off me, Jackson.

342. You wanna try getting physical with me?

343. Listen, you shaved ape.

344. I could make a phone call and have you picking up garbage on the freeway

345. for the rest of the decade. You wanna get smart with me?

346. Try it. I will not be pushed around by Hollywood Boulevard trash like you.

347. I'm trash?

348. What, do you think you're better than me? Huh?

349. - Oops. - He's got a gun! He's got a gun!

350. Hey, stop squirming, pussy!

351. I'll fill your face so full of lead,

352. you'll be shitting bullets for a week, you no-dick loser!

353. - Come on, Rex. - Shut up.

354. Ian, you wanna talk to these fellas?

355. - What do you suggest? - Say something. They like you.

356. Shut up, dick-smoke! Chazz, come on.

357. All right. Look, I know you would've been cool,

358. but then this penis had to step in and get heavy.

359. Look, all we wanna do is to be heard, and then we're outta here.

360. Believe me, I understand. Just cool it, huh?

361. Buddy, why don't you cut your losses? You're in over your head.

362. - You don't know what you're doing! - Shut your face!

363. Just shut your stupid face! I know exactly what I'm doing!

364. There's the whole problem with you guys.

365. You think because you got some big job that you know something.

366. Wrong! You got Haggar slacks and you got your stylish little pony-nub.

367. - Bet it ain't even real. - Ow!

368. Hey, hey, hey. Just cool it, huh?

369. Hey, guys, we're all rock 'n' rollers here.

370. You look like half a butt-puppet that...

371. Do you know what it's like to be on the bill and to play for 15 minutes

372. and the only people there are the other bands and their girlfriends?

373. Don't talk to me about rock 'n' roll!

374. I'm out there in the clubs and on the streets and I'm living it!

375. I am rock 'n' roll!

376. It's guys like you and that Jimmie Wing

377. down at Palatine that ruin everything for everyone...

378. Jimmy, Jimmy, they're talking about you on KPPX.

379. Come here.

380. Then you realize there's a million of these Jimmie Wing

381. yuppie bone-smugglers out there.

382. These guys are running the industry

383. and they don't know a damn thing about rock 'n' roll!

384. Okay.

385. - Hello. Police. - Now I'll tell you what,

386. Mr. Program Director Man,

387. you put our goddamn tape on the air right now 'cause we spent

388. a lot of money on this thing and it's gonna get some airplay

389. or my man's gonna gank you here and now!

390. - Shit, yeah. - Well, let's not go ganking anyone.

391. - Um, if we play the tape, will you go? - That's all we need, d-cheese.

392. Play the thing, Milo. Do what he says.

393. - Play it! What are you waiting for? - Sorry about all this.

394. - Enjoy. - I can't wait.

395. We can't play this tape.

396. We're only set up for CDs and cassettes.

397. Chazz, I said we should've brought a cassette.

398. A cassette dub knocks out the low end

399. and it makes my background vocal sound like someone's stepping on my nuts.

400. God. Mr. Perfectionist.

401. You quit necking on me, you femmes. All we got was a quarter-inch.

402. There's gotta be a reel-to-reel around here somewhere.

403. Go find it. It's a radio station.

404. Yeah. That's it there.

405. Milo, didn't I tell you to knock when you come in my office?

406. Just keep quiet and get that reel-to-reel deck down to the booth.

407. Oh, gonna tell me to shut up now? Uh-huh, Uh-huh.

408. See, a brother can't open his mouth without the white man slap him down.

409. Just do it, Marcus!

410. Damn.

411. White man with a gun.

412. Same shit been happenin' to my people for 425-some-odd years.

413. Hey, you like working here, man?

414. We're down, man. Hendrix was God.

415. You wanna take a step back?

416. You're standing on my dick, man.

417. Yeah, I've seen Anthrax and Public Enemy.

418. That was out of control, man. Together, you know.

419. - You catch that one, G? - Don't call me G.

420. - What do you want me to call you? - Hey, come on.

421. All right, that's it.

422. I can't wait for you to put that gun down, 'cause when you do,

423. you and me, me and you, we're gonna throw down.

424. That's right. We're gonna get serious. Mano a swine.

425. Hey, look, you, just shut your piehole and keep working.

426. Piehole? What's that supposed to be, some kind of cracker slang?

427. Come on, let's go.

428. Ooh! Ooh!

429. You can't smoke here, babe.

430. Yeah? What am I doin' now?

431. You should put it out. The smoke could damage the equipment.

432. No, shit.

433. - Are you ready? - Almost.

434. Okay, give us a real nice intro.

435. And don't say anything about us having a gun to your head.

436. - Okay, who are you guys? - My name's Pip.

437. - The band. The band name. - Sorry about that.

438. - He doesn't wear a helmet, does he? - It's right there on the box.

439. - Read It. - "The Lone Rangers". That's original.

440. How can you pluralize "The Lone Ranger"?

441. - What's wrong with that? - Well, there's three of you.

442. You're not exactly lone. Shouldn't you be The Three Rangers?

443. No idea what you're saying right now.

444. - You lost me. - Forget about it, Ian.

445. - Just play the thing! - Yeah, forget it.

446. - Come on, just play it. - Listen up, guppies,

447. Ian the Shark is back and have I got a surprise for you.

448. I've got goose bumps, frankly...

449. For the first time ever, I'm willing to bet,

450. here's that hit single by

451. The Lone Rangers.

452. Turn it off! Come on, man. What did you do?

453. What did you do? What did you do to it?

454. Hey, I didn't do anything. Tonto must have loaded the tape in wrong.

455. Hey, your machine dilapidated it, man.

456. - Hey! - What?

457. Oh! What! Hey!

458. - Hey, that's my jacket! - Put it out!

459. Please!

460. Oh, man. The demo's wasted.

461. Well, what are we gonna do now?

462. Run!

463. It's the inbreeding.

464. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

465. - Oh, man. - How'd they know we were here?

466. I don't know. I don't know. Okay.

467. Look, maybe they're just on patrol. All right, we didn't do nothing, right?

468. - What? - You go.

469. You guys suck.

470. Everything's going to be all right.

471. Let me in! Let me in!

472. I don't wanna go to jail. I'm fragile.

473. Move it! Go!

474. Ah!

475. Shit! We're surrounded.

476. Why don't we just go out there, man, and give ourselves up?

477. - We could say we were joking around. - Real smart.

478. They'll cart us off before you can say "Rudolph Redpecker".

479. Well, you didn't have to break out the gun. What the hell were you doing?

480. What was I supposed to do? They wouldn't play the tape.

481. - You didn't have to do that! - Shut up.

482. - You shut up! - Both of you shut up, you dicks!

483. Okay, if we go outside, we get roped. We know that.

484. All right, we stay in here and we figure it out.

485. Excuse me?

486. - More people. Okay. - Jesus.

487. All right, we get everyone, we round 'em up, we put them in the station

488. and nobody leaves until we figure this out.

489. What was she on the Clydesdale scale?

490. Yeah, that's where you gotta figure how many Clydesdales

491. it'd take to tear off your face.

492. - Yeah, imagine... - Later.

493. Let's go.

494. I knew from looking at him that he was a bomb about to go off.

495. A big fat media bomb!

496. They're gonna be all over the news now.

497. "Time" magazine, "Larry King Live."

498. If the song's in English, it's a gold record at least.

499. Come on, come on. Let's go.

500. - Hi again. - Hi.

501. Hey, hey. You guys think you're gonna waste anybody?

502. 'Cause if you are, pop Milo first.

503. - That guy's a bozo deluxe. - Uh-huh, go.

504. Just gonna lay low until this thing blows over.

505. Argh! Argh!

506. All right, everybody on the floor right now.

507. Do you mind if I sit in a chair? I don't wanna get all cruddy.

508. Uh, yeah.

509. - Thank you. - Eh, if she doesn't sit on the floor,

510. - I don't know why I have to. - You heard the man.

511. - Hit the deck or I smoke you. - Sit down on the floor now!

512. Everybody else gets to sit in a chair except for you.

513. Are we... Are we still on the air?

514. - Have you made contact? - No, Sergeant.

515. One guy came out, but he went back in.

516. Have Dispatch give us their number. Let's give 'em a call.

517. You getting all this, Wilson?

518. Establish contact, make sure it's not a false alarm.

519. I know the procedure.

520. - Could I get something to eat, man? - You hungry, buddy?

521. - Hey, Chazz? Chazz? - What?

522. - Why is everyone staring at me? - That guy says he's hungry.

523. Who gives a shit? I'm trying to think here, okay?

524. KPPX, where the action never stops.

525. Oh, hi.

526. Well, there's three psychotic musicians in here with guns.

527. How would you feel? I have no idea.

528. The leader? Hold on.

529. It's the police.

530. They wanna talk to you.

531. He doesn't wanna talk.

532. What am I supposed to do, beg him?

533. What are you doing to get us out of here?

534. Okay, fine.

535. He wants you to go out and talk to him.

536. Bag that. What for?

537. He wants to know what your demands are

538. for releasing the hostages.

539. Oh, my God!

540. Demands? What's he mean by "hostages"?

541. I've got a reality check for you, Curly.

542. What you're doing is a felony, maybe worse.

543. - What are your demands? - I don't want anything.

544. I just don't wanna go outside.

545. Okay. Come here, come here.

546. - What do we need? - He needs a hockey stick

547. up the backside of his head.

548. Look, shut up, all right? I'm warning you. Don't bring Chazz down!

549. Thank you, Rex.

550. All right. Now, what do we want?

551. Uh, Chazz?

552. All right.

553. - I like your hair. - What's that?

554. My name's Suzzi, with two Zs.

555. Oh, hi.

556. So you, like, answer the phones and all that stuff?

557. Mm-hmm. Yeah, for, like, six hours a day.

558. Oh, what a drag, huh?

559. Look, I understand you're trying to make a statement here,

560. but this is getting out of hand.

561. Hey, come on, man, you know where I'm coming from, huh?

562. - Hey, come on, be a sport, will ya? - All right, but can we move this along?

563. Now, why did you come here?

564. I came here for a lousy three minutes and 31 seconds of airplay.

565. - That's it. - Fine.

566. Now there's cops outside with guns,

567. and you're holding people hostage, right?

568. - Uh, yeah. - On top of that,

569. your tape is destroyed.

570. So there's only one thing that you can do.

571. Get the other copy of the demo.

572. Rex.

573. Bastard!

574. You called on the phone, but we're not at home.

575. - Leave a message for Kayla. - Leave a message for Chazz.

576. We'll call you back soon, so don't have a spaz!

577. Come on, come on. Stay back now! Back there!

578. Hold it! Hold it!

579. Okay, kid, I want you to control this crowd.

580. If any of these lookie-loos give you any trouble,

581. I want you to cuff 'em and throw 'em in the squad car.

582. Technically, I can't do that, Sergeant.

583. - The Civilian Review... - I know what the Civilian Review

584. Committee said, but they're not out here doing crowd control, are they?

585. Listen, when you're in the line of fire,

586. you do what's necessary to get the job done.

587. You don't break the law, but occasionally you bend it.

588. - When that time comes, you Improvise. - Yes, sir.

589. Cover me.

590. Get your hands up over your head. Get down on the pavement!

591. - Get down! - What the f...

592. - Sergeant. - What?

593. You men, back off. Get back, God damn it!

594. Put those guns down. It's okay.

595. You can get up... God damn it, get back!

596. What the hell is this, man? You invited me to come out!

597. Well, you just caught us a little by surprise.

598. I'm Sergeant O'Malley. I'm here to work with you.

599. - What's your name? - Got my rhythm section inside

600. - keepin' an eye on me. - That's fine. Nobody's gonna hurt you.

601. - Is everybody okay in there? - They're all fine. My name's Chazz.

602. Great. It's good to meet you. Chazz.

603. You tell me what I can do to get you to end this.

604. - You gotta find my tape. - Sure, okay.

605. - What kind of tape is it? - It's a demo tape.

606. - We wanna play it on the air. - Is that what you want?

607. You wanna play this tape on the radio, then you'll come out?

608. That's right. The machine inside ate the original.

609. My girlfriend's got the only other copy.

610. - Give me her number. I'll call her. - Ix-nay, dude. I already tried that.

611. She's off for the night. You're gonna have to find her.

612. - Where is she? - I don't know.

613. Try the Strip somewhere. Maybe the Whiskey.

614. She's...

615. she's totally pissed at me, but...

616. Is that her? She's a real looker.

617. Yeah.

618. Why don't black people like me?

619. - Excuse me? - It's just, you know,

620. I listen to a lot of rap music

621. and I know how angry black people are

622. and I feel bad, you know, for all you guys gotta put up with.

623. Well, that's very nice of you.

624. How about when you go into a store

625. and all the clerks start starin' at you like you're gonna rob the place

626. and you're like, "Hey, I just wanna buy something"?

627. I'm sorry, that's never happened to me.

628. - Does that happen to you? - Ah, no,

629. but I'm just saying that would be bad if it did.

630. Look at Chazz out there doing his thing.

631. Listen, Chazz.

632. This is gonna take some time, okay?

633. Now you're gonna have to send out one of the hostages

634. just as a sign of good faith.

635. - That's my rules. - All right, fine.

636. You have your orders, Chief. Now get cracking.

637. It's more like power slop, but with an edge.

638. Okay. The cops are going to get Kayla.

639. I cut a deal with them. We've gotta send one person out.

640. - Please. - I'll go.

641. - One of the hostages, doof. - Sorry.

642. But not me, man. It's just too cool.

643. Why don't we let Yvonne go, man? She's very nice.

644. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

645. I don't see why you automatically have to choose a woman.

646. Well, it's kind of sexist, don't you think?

647. I mean, we could draw straws.

648. - We could... - Okay.

649. Yvonne, get your shit and go. You'll be home in time for "The Simpsons."

650. - Stay strong, sister. - Congratulations.

651. Hey, butterball,

652. I think you're exceeding the maximum weight limit for that belt.

653. Wilson, get over here!

654. I'm sending out a suit on the Sunset Strip for the girlfriend.

655. I want you there to supervise.

656. Whoa.

657. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

658. Whoa!

659. Whoa, look, we got fans.

660. I didn't know that many people knew who we were.

661. Hey, hold this. Thanks.

662. Hey!

663. - I'm gonna miss Yvonne. - Let me tell you something.

664. Don't be chitchatting with these people, man.

665. They're not your buddies, they're your hostages.

666. I was just trying to be nice.

667. Yeah, I know, but then every time you tell somebody to get on the floor

668. or be quiet, they're gonna be like, "Oh, even me, Pip?

669. I thought we had something going."

670. You know, you gotta scare these people. Practice, practice.

671. - Just try it. - I just feel a little goofy, you know,

672. trying to be a badass - Why?

673. - With a water pistol. - They don't know it's a water pistol.

674. They think it's real, right? Come on, show me what you got.

675. Come on.

676. Okay. Get over there, please. Thank you.

677. What are you, a crack baby? Give me that.

678. - I got it, I got it. - Give me... give me...

679. - I'll show you. - All right.

680. Hey, you! You shut your mouth,

681. you chicken-sucking bastard, or I'll stab your eyeballs out

682. and piss allover your brain!

683. It's gonna a slaughterhouse in here!

684. Dead bodies flying through the air like freakin' rag dolls on fire!

685. Oh, my God.

686. - Okay? - Okay, all right. Thank you.

687. - All right, against the wall. - Come on, tough, tough!

688. Seriously, move it.

689. I'm not scared, Pip. Come on.

690. - I'm gonna stab your heads off. - With what, with what?

691. - With my dick! - Yeah!

692. Yeah! And blood's gonna come out of your head!

693. There's nothing you can do about it 'cause I'm a madman!

694. - That's good. - It kinda hurt my throat.

695. Come on, come on! Move, move!

696. Shit! Here comes the cavalry.

697. So she boots me out of my own house

698. and now I'm shacking up at the Motor Lodge.

699. 12 years of marriage and devotion down the tubes.

700. Hello, O'Malley.

701. Looks like they called you too soon, Mace, everything is solving itself.

702. Good to hear it 'cause I'm taking over the interior perimeter

703. and now you and your patrol boys can fall back.

704. Like hell you are. Didn't you hear what I just said?

705. - We don't have a situation here. - Oh, yeah?

706. Well, what do you call an office full of hostages?

707. Mace, I'm in the middle of negotiations, God damn it.

708. And until I decide there are no options,

709. you don't use force.

710. Well, okay, O'Malley. It's your show.

711. - Hello? - Hello.

712. - May I help you, sir? - Hello.

713. Please, could you put me through to someone on the scene?

714. I don't have much time.

715. Oh, Christ.

716. Looks like you've got your hands full, Mr. Hostage Negotiator.

717. Let's go! I want those media people back.

718. Come on! Move it! Get it back!

719. - Dispatch has another call from inside. - Swell.

720. Listen, you sick sack of swill, if you hurt one single...

721. - I don't have much time. - What? Who is this?

722. My name is Doug Beech. I work at the radio station.

723. Speak up, Beech. Are they molesting you in any way?

724. No, I'm hiding in the air-cooling system.

725. Now, they don't know that I'm here.

726. I want you to do something for me, Beech,

727. but I can't allow you to put yourself at risk.

728. - What? - You got any kind of training?

729. - I was in the Merchant Marines. - Marines, yeah, I copy that.

730. Will you get those people away from the van?

731. - But I was an accountant. - Nah, you won't be held accountable.

732. Listen, I want you to be my man inside.

733. This is what I want you to do, Beech.

734. I want you to check in with me periodically.

735. I want you to talk to me directly and me only.

736. I have a number for you to call.

737. Check it out. Come on in.

738. - I'm gonna clip us some Cs, dude. - Sweet.

739. Hey, you know, we've got these guys by the short curlies.

740. We could demand free stuff from the cops.

741. - Check it out. - What am I talking about?

742. There's probably tons of cool stuff here. Play track two.

743. As long as we're running the joint, we might as well hear decent jams.

744. Oh, yeah! This is the real Rebel Radio.

745. The voice of the resistance, this is Chazz speaking.

746. Yo! Shit, man, you guys know how to have fun.

747. You can't cuss on the air.

748. Hey, look at all the fresh stuff we found.

749. There's like 5,000 bucks worth of backstage passes.

750. - Oh, you guys scored! - Can I "bog" one of these?

751. You gotta see this.

752. We've got CDs, we've got T-shirts, we've got...

753. Oh, what have we here? Those sound like concert tickets to me.

754. What do you say we take a few calls?

755. This is Ian, you're on the air.

756. Ooh, and let's turn down your radio, okay, asshole?

757. I'm sorry. I wanna talk to the guy with the gun.

758. I just said you're on the air, numbnuts, so talk already.

759. I want some tickets to that Orange County Invasion show

760. with Penelope Lovestocking and Crimson Shroud.

761. Oh, man, you actually listen to that Seattle bullshit?

762. - Shroud rips, dude. - All right, bro, no problem.

763. You gotta come down to the station and get 'em, though,

764. because we've got free tickets to give away,

765. but we are completely surrounded by cops.

766. - We need some feedback here. Go. - You're on the air.

767. Whoa, am I on the air?

768. Come on, Butt-Head, give me the phone.

769. Am I speaking English? What'd I just say, dipshit?

770. - Come on, Butt-Head! No way. - Shut up, Beavis.

771. So what do you guys want?

772. You guys are, like, The Lone Rangers, right?

773. - Yeah. - We saw you guys

774. at the Wheel Well last month.

775. You suck.

776. Come down here and say that, you punks!

777. Damn straight, you can kiss my ass.

778. Hey, why don't you make all the chicks get naked?

779. Yeah, yeah. Naked.

780. Usual crop of wizards.

781. Hey, guys, you're on TV.

782. A band of failed musicians

783. lashing out at the society that won't listen to them.

784. Their target, the only capitalist edifice

785. their MTV-soaked minds recognize: a rock 'n' roll radio station...

786. Oh, man, this is complete bullshit.

787. And I quote, "White urban males are the least likely"

788. to illicit tears from a city already beleaguered

789. "by people with real problems."

790. The mayor is on holiday in Tijuana...

791. I'd like to croak that bitch.

792. Mace, we have contact with the man inside.

793. - Beech, is that you? - It's a lot worse than I thought.

794. They've got six hostages. It's three weirdos with Uzis.

795. Outstanding, Beech.

796. You just keep your eyes open and your tail down.

797. Have you got any personnel at home you want me to call, like a wife?

798. No, no, I don't even have a home. I've got a condo.

799. Listen, I guess I just tried to wait to meet the right woman.

800. I guess I should have waited a little longer myself.

801. Let me tell you about the shrew I married.

802. I used to come home tired every night, sometimes five, six in the morning.

803. I dropped my underwear on the floor one time,

804. had a teeny-weeny little skid mark in it.

805. You'd have thought I started World War Nine.

806. - There you go. - Thank you.

807. Wow, you have really great arms. You should definitely show them off.

808. - How does he do that? - Hp?

809. He gets his hands on more bumper than a body shop.

810. With that "I seem so stupid, I must be cute" routine?

811. That's the quiet cool. Chicks, man, they just flock on it.

812. Man, you got hot CDs here and I never hear this stuff.

813. - Why don't you ever play these guys? - That's Milo's call.

814. - Why don't we play 'em, Milo? - Listen, if they're so hot,

815. how come they're not tearing up the charts, babe?

816. 'Cause you never play 'em, babe. You suck.

817. - What do you think, Ian? - Well, to tell you the truth,

818. I stick to the classics myself.

819. I'm afraid rock 'n' roll's been all downhill since Lennon died.

820. You know, my whole life,

821. people have been cramming this classic-rock crap just down my throat.

822. And you really think I give a shit about the Beatles?

823. No offense, but today's music doesn't have a whole lot to say.

824. Is that right? So you're gonna tell me that "Purple Haze" says something?

825. Hey, Ian, man, wait till you hear our stuff.

826. We kick ass.

827. Swell. Yeah, I can't wait to hear your brilliant song.

828. Beats the shit out of the fruity music you listen to, tough guy.

829. Slick's got himself a whole crate of Kenny G CDs and you're talking trash?

830. A crate of CDs?

831. Yeah, he's got a stockpile of easy-listening

832. - shit-shingles in his office. - You don't even listen to music, Milo.

833. What are you doing with a whole crate of CDs?

834. Those are free promos, Ian. I use 'em as stocking stuffers at Christmas.

835. It's the middle of July!

836. Aloha, out there in radio land.

837. This is Oedipus Rex on WKPP-Rex

838. comin' at ya, smooth-talking DJ terrorist.

839. These guys rule, man. You're gonna hear some new shit right now.

840. A whole box of that crap right there.

841. Yeah, dude.

842. Blond wearing something tight and black.

843. Great. Grand. Wonderful.

844. Come on, fellas. Let's put a sock in it, okay?

845. What the hell are these?

846. They're shorts, Ian. You know, pants with little legs?

847. And this?

848. Hey, I don't have to explain myself to you, babe.

849. - Come here. - What? I'm right here.

850. Speak to me. What's goin' down?

851. Okay, um... we're changing formats.

852. Sunday midnight, the station goes soft rock.

853. Rebel Radio's goin' soft?

854. Well, we're changing the name of the station to The Rain.

855. You know, "Relax to the mellow sounds of The Rain on KPPX."

856. That, and we're being forced to restaff.

857. - You pud! - All those blow jobs for nothing.

858. You're firing me, you little snake-in-the-grass bastard?

859. Where do you get the balls to fire me?

860. This was handed down from above, Ian!

861. I fought this kicking and screaming!

862. You've just begun to kick and scream, you sniveling putz!

863. - I'll kill you! - Ah!

864. Fight!

865. - Yeah! - Ooh! Ow, my spine!

866. You're Kayla!

867. I need to talk to you about Chazz Darvey.

868. If Chazz needs any bail money, you can just tell him to forget it.

869. Look, there's a situation down at Rebel Radio.

870. I'm gonna need to take you in. Look, Chazz says you've got a tape.

871. - Please! - Hey, check out Barney Fife.

872. Don't you think you're out of your league, chunk-style?

873. Look, I don't wanna have to bring you boys in on a 148.

874. That's obstruction.

875. Now what are you gonna do about that?

876. Ow!

877. Improvise.

878. So she says to me, "He was only cleaning the pool filter, Sniggles."

879. And I'm thinking to myself, "It's 7:00 p.m., he's in dungarees

880. and his equipment is bone-dry."

881. Pool filter, my ass! Thing is, she could have left me for a plastic surgeon,

882. but a lousy pool cleaner?

883. Kayla, if you're out there listening,

884. listen, I really need that demo tape

885. and you've gotta get down to the station.

886. - We'll talk about it when you get here. - Damn it.

887. Shoo, dog. Oh, shoo!

888. Now stay.

889. Uh, 67 copies of "Moby-Dick."

890. - The movie or the book? - They made a book out of that?

891. - Yeah, I think so. - Yeah, get the book.

892. What are you guys doing?

893. We're taking the cops up on those demands they wanted.

894. - We've got a killer list going. - Yeah, check it out.

895. We ask for airplay and whatever else we want,

896. then we demand a whole bunch of weird stuff.

897. This way, we can plead insanity later.

898. - Where did this come from? - Pip's idea.

899. - Way to go, Pip. - You guys are crazy, man.

900. You're all Whoo-hoo and shit.

901. - So, what else we got so far? - Number one: airplay, underlined twice.

902. Number two: a football helmet filled with cottage cheese.

903. Number three: a Zon walnut bass with a graphite neck.

904. - Thank you. - Hey, wait. What about some for me?

905. Go for broke. It's on the LAPD.

906. I want me a PRS Guitar with a dragon inlay.

907. - Nice. - Yeah!

908. I'm coming, you bastard.

909. Number 13: naked pictures of Bea Arthur.

910. - Excuse me? - The chick from "The Golden Girls."

911. Look, I know who she is. Come on, fellas, I'm just a street cop.

912. How am I supposed to find all this stuff? A giant baby bottle?

913. - Give me a break. - You better figure it out, Papi,

914. or it's curtains for everyone. Oh, yeah, and we want a record contract,

915. so let's get some kind of record executive down here pronto.

916. - What? - What are you asking for

917. - a record contract for? - That's what we want.

918. Look, you don't demand one from the cops, okay?

919. - It's gotta come unsolicited. - What's unsolicited?

920. - Forget it. Just forget it. - What did I do, man?

921. Come on, I'm just yankin' the guy.

922. Hey, look, it's one thing to goof around a little bit, okay,

923. but we do have a serious agenda here. Now are you with that?

924. - Yeah, I'm with that. - Good.

925. Moody.

926. Pip, what are you thinking about?

927. Swimming pools.

928. Swimming pools, huh?

929. Yeah. I wish I was in one right now.

930. The water's all clear and cool,

931. then you spin around in there like an egg.

932. - Do you have a girlfriend? - Mm-mm.

933. No?

934. It's kind of weird us meeting like this, huh?

935. I don't know.

936. We got that background check in.

937. Yeah, let me see this.

938. "Chazz Darvey, born Jerkwater, Iowa."

939. Real name: Chester Ogilvie.

940. DMV says his occupation is "master of ceremonies."

941. - Rest? - Just two tickets for helmet violation.

942. Just another small-town punk comin' out west to be a star.

943. - Anything else? - Yeah, local PD

944. just faxed us this picture.

945. Chester.

946. I promise I'm giving you the same rate as everybody else.

947. I know it's steep, but think how many people are gonna be listening.

948. This is prime advertising.

949. Yo, scumbag, what are you doing?

950. Are you selling ads on our airtime?

951. Hold on a second, will you, Brad?

952. Do you mind? I've got a station to run here.

953. Yeah, I'm back.

954. If the cops kill him before the spot runs, you'll get a complete refund.

955. Oh! Uh, Brad.

956. You just hung up on a very important man. Ah!

957. Oh.

958. Help.

959. Did you find anything in that van?

960. - Drugs? - Nah, just some toys

961. and a bunch of pool-cleaning gear.

962. Pool-cleaning gear?

963. Give me that damn phone.

964. - What? A gun? - That's affirmative.

965. These cowboys are much more dangerous than I thought.

966. Now just work your way up the ventilation ducts to the roof.

967. A couple of my men will meet you there.

968. - Yeah, but a gun? - Mace out.

969. Hey, can I ask you something?

970. What's with you guys and these tattoos?

971. Check it out.

972. I got this barbed wire here.

973. Gecko.

974. And this one is so cool. It's, uh, the Grim Reaper.

975. See? I'm gonna get some more cash and probably color it in

976. or put some chaps on it or something.

977. You know, I mean, I can understand "Mom"

978. or "I Heart Wanda,"

979. but why the Reaper?

980. Well...

981. it's like death is stalking me

982. and he's telling me I better get off my ass and get this band rolling.

983. This is for real. I gotta cut a record.

984. I figure, you know, I'm screwed up and average enough

985. that I could write a song that'll live on forever

986. and then after that, it don't matter.

987. You know?

988. Okay, kiddies, listen up

989. because this is Ian the Shark's final night here at KPPX.

990. That's right. Special unscheduled announcement:

991. effective Monday, this station goes easy listening.

992. We're having a big farewell parking-lot party tonight,

993. so come on down!

994. Now part of our final hurrah, we have a special segment called:

995. "Getting To Know Your Armed Assailant."

996. Now we have Chazz Darvy here.

997. Now, Chazz, you say all you wanna do is be heard.

998. Well, you've got the whole world listening. What do you got to say?

999. Well, I guess all we have to say is that we wanna be heard.

1000. Yeah, well, we've kind of established that. What else?

1001. Hey, man, what are you doing, man? You can't be putting me on the spot.

1002. What, do you want him to make a speech? Who does he look like, Sting?

1003. Okay, you've sold out the Forum.

1004. You're standing in front of 20,000 screaming fans.

1005. What are you gonna say to 'em?

1006. I'm gonna say rock 'n' roll!

1007. Warp speed, Mr. Sulu!

1008. Yeah.

1009. That's It? You're gonna scream, "Rock 'n' roll"?

1010. - You're gonna go to jail for that? - There's a saying, Milo:

1011. "If it's too loud, you're too old."

1012. - Where are you goin'? - You mind if I take a pee, man?

1013. Good luck.

1014. Don't forget to shake.

1015. Milo.

1016. What are you doing, you little buttnut?

1017. Milo, Milo, Milo. Milo! Open the door, let us out.

1018. - Milo! - Quiet.

1019. - Open the door, Milo. - Quiet.

1020. Open that door, Milo.

1021. - What the hell was that? - I don't know.

1022. Don't yell at me, Milo.

1023. You're screwing on my $1,400 leather couch!

1024. You're just so rude! You don't just burst in here without knocking.

1025. If there is one stain on that couch...

1026. You'll what? Fire me?

1027. Well, guess what, I quit!

1028. Oh, don't. I don't want you to lose your job over this.

1029. Milo, this was my bust.

1030. A scream fest... oh, Pip.

1031. Get your filthy shoes off my furniture!

1032. Suzzi, you can leave right now.

1033. No, I can't, because I'm a hostage and Pip is my...

1034. Pip is my man with a gun.

1035. - And he says I get to stay. Right, Pip? - Sorry, dude.

1036. Pip, put the monster away.

1037. Oh, now what?

1038. All right, everybody, back to the booth.

1039. Ah!

1040. Oh, please, no. Don't do this.

1041. I can't take it, man. My aunt was buried alive!

1042. - Give it a rest. - Not in the closet!

1043. - What are they trying to pull now? - Messin' with our heads.

1044. Chazz! Chazz. Guys.

1045. Hey, Chazz, let me in.

1046. Keep an eye on him, Pip.

1047. Chazz. Hey, guys. Chazz, let me in.

1048. - Who are you? - Chris Moore, Capitol Records.

1049. A and R. Come on, let me in.

1050. I told you, man. Things are going our way.

1051. Take three steps back from the door.

1052. Toss me some ID.

1053. All right, man, how'd you find us?

1054. The cops told me you guys are looking for a record contract.

1055. There is something going on here. We've gotta take advantage of this.

1056. - Come on, let's talk. - Yeah, what's that?

1057. What's that? Will you look? This is hot.

1058. You guys are the hottest thing since Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.

1059. - Marky Mark! That guy sucks. - Okay, forget Marky Mark.

1060. There's magic out here, guys. Let's talk contracts.

1061. I promise you, someday we're gonna be backstage

1062. at the Forum laughing about this.

1063. All right, let me ask you a question.

1064. What side did you take in the big David Lee Roth / Van Halen split?

1065. - What do you mean? - What kind of question is that?

1066. - What side did you take? Halen or Roth? - Van Halen.

1067. - He's a cop. - Later, bacon.

1068. - Oink, oink. - Strictly a judgment call.

1069. They sold a lot of records after Dave left the group.

1070. Come on, one more question. Hey, Chazz, come on, one more.

1071. Right, right, right.

1072. Who'd win in a wrestling match, Lemmy or God?

1073. - Lemmy. - Ah!

1074. - God. - Wrong, dickhead. Trick question.

1075. - Lemmy is God. - Oh, come on.

1076. Get outta here! Get outta here! Get outta here!

1077. What the hell is this, O'Malley, huh?

1078. Now you bring in a cop, are you trying to kill me?

1079. Is that it? I'm not going nowhere, pal! You put the power back on.

1080. You can't be rambling on-air like that. You're stirring the crowd up.

1081. I got free concert tickets here! For me and you and you...

1082. What the hell is going on? Get those people outta here!

1083. Get 'em outta here!

1084. I love a parade!

1085. Hey, man, did you check out all that poony, man?

1086. We could parlay this into a hummer at least! They love us!

1087. Yeah, they love us.

1088. - You put the power back on! - No, I'm not gonna do that, Chazz.

1089. I'm drawing the line there!

1090. Yo, is everyone havin' a good time tonight?

1091. Yeah!

1092. So you gonna let the cops shut this party down?

1093. So they got the guns. We got the numbers!

1094. Rodney King! Rodney King!

1095. Rodney King! Rodney King!

1096. - Holy shit! - Rodney King?

1097. - What's that supposed to mean? - He's that guy.

1098. Rodney King! Rodney King!

1099. All right, damn it! Turn the goddamn power back on.

1100. - Chazz! Chazz! - Kayla! Kayla!

1101. Hey, I tried to call you. I'm sorry, it was my fault.

1102. No, you don't have to say that. I was being a bitch.

1103. Why don't you give it up, Chester?

1104. You and sweetie pie can talk it over later.

1105. You stay out of this and get your hands off her!

1106. - Why did he call you that? - Uh...

1107. There's a lot Chester didn't tell you about. Right, Chester?

1108. - What's he talking about, Chazz? - It's, uh... he's, uh...

1109. uh, shi... you, man... Kayla, there's something I gotta tell you.

1110. What?

1111. Um...

1112. I was a geek in high school.

1113. I had really short hair.

1114. I played Dungeons and Dragons.

1115. I had a bug collection. I ate my boogers.

1116. My name's not Chazz.

1117. It's Chester.

1118. And I understand if you don't love me anymore.

1119. I played D&D, too!

1120. I was editor of the school magazine.

1121. Yeah!

1122. I used to wear corduroy pants.

1123. I used to masturbate constantly.

1124. - We're with you, Chazz. - I want your body!

1125. Chazz! Chazz! Chazz!

1126. Okay, everybody, this is my girlfriend Kayla.

1127. She brought the tape.

1128. - About time. - Hey, what's happening?

1129. We're going on the air, Pip. We're going live! This is it, man!

1130. - This is the payoff. - Oh, whoa. What happened to this?

1131. - It fell off the nightstand. - What did you do to my tape?

1132. - Can we even play this? - I don't know.

1133. Maybe if I clean it up and respool it. Christ!

1134. I came all the way down here just to bring you that stupid tape.

1135. Yeah, and you took real good care of it, didn't you, Yoko?

1136. Okay, everybody, shut up!

1137. Chazz, I have been with you...

1138. almost as long as these two assholes!

1139. I think it's about time they treated me with a little respect!

1140. This thing smells like piss, man.

1141. Kayla, I don't have time for this noise.

1142. Did you come to bitch at Rex or to help us out?

1143. 'Cause you're being a complete...

1144. I can't believe this! After all I've done for you!

1145. And what do you do? You chew me out in front of your friends!

1146. - You're acting like a spaz! - What about you?

1147. You go and pull this moron stunt.

1148. If you would just think for one second

1149. instead of always trying to be little glory boy.

1150. - Is that so, huh? - Yeah, that's so, Chester.

1151. You're outta here.

1152. - What? - Get outta here! Get lost, all right?

1153. I got a million things going through my brain,

1154. I don't need your stupid bullshit, too.

1155. I'm a part of this. You wrote that song for me.

1156. That's my song!

1157. I wrote that song before I even met you.

1158. Everybody, go about your business.

1159. Go about your business.

1160. Nobody look at me!

1161. My Christ! What are you doing?

1162. You don't even care!

1163. You don't even care what happens to me!

1164. What have I got? My guitar, my bike, and my woman.

1165. That's all I got in the world. And you keep kicking me out!

1166. It's making me insane!

1167. I figure if I get a record contract, I can make it up to you.

1168. I'm doing this for you!

1169. I suppose now you're gonna say that you love me, right?

1170. Oh, come on! Here I am, I'm holding a gun to a guy's head

1171. just so the whole world can hear your song.

1172. - Is that love or what? - Tell me.

1173. - What do you want from me? - Tell me.

1174. All right.

1175. - I love you. - Oh, my God.

1176. What else can I say?

1177. Oh, God!

1178. Oh!

1179. Well, that fried out most of the board.

1180. - Damn it. - Great.

1181. Shit!

1182. Goddamn.

1183. Hey, you guys, bring in the stuff.

1184. Yeah!

1185. I can't believe they actually found all this crap.

1186. I don't know, man. Maybe we didn't make the demands weird enough, huh?

1187. Man, these are my people. Hey, hey, we're partyin' in here.

1188. Whoo! We got all kinds of beer.

1189. Am I rockin' or what?

1190. Shit.

1191. Die, dog!

1192. It's a plastic gun!

1193. Oh, my eyes!

1194. No, not me!

1195. - It's a plastic gun! - A plastic gun?

1196. Did you hear that? It's a plastic gun. We're moving in.

1197. Everybody get back to the booth!

1198. Hold it!

1199. Don't anybody move!

1200. Now back up against the wall

1201. and put your hands above your heads.

1202. - It's a real gun! - Fall back behind the barriers.

1203. God help us all!

1204. It's all right, Chazz. Stay calm. We're pulling back.

1205. Body count! Body count!

1206. Everybody get back to the booth! Get back! Get back!

1207. - Hurry up! Move it, move it, move it. - Cockroach.

1208. Ah!

1209. - Hello. - Yes, hello. Put the pig on!

1210. - Chazz, is everybody okay in there? - You "shitwich"!

1211. - What the hell was that bullshit? - I'm gonna grease somebody in here,

1212. - I swear to Christ! - Chazz, don't do anything crazy.

1213. - What was all that firing about? - You tell me, buddy!

1214. You've got guys coming in the ceiling at me!

1215. Just calm down. I swear to you, we don't have anybody trying to break in.

1216. - I wouldn't do that to you. - Okay, if this bullshit happens again,

1217. - I'm gonna start blasting, so help me! - You have my word.

1218. - How long before you play your tape? - Uh, how long?

1219. Uh, we're working on it. I don't know. Pretty soon.

1220. I'll have a record executive for you, okay? He'll be here soon.

1221. Now you know my rules.

1222. How about sending out another hostage just as a sign...

1223. That guy in the ceiling, what was that?

1224. He says he doesn't know.

1225. Hey, man, back there, that was huge. Thanks.

1226. - Rock 'n' roll. - Whoo.

1227. Okay, who's got a Tic Tac?

1228. Hello there, boys.

1229. Hi, Chazz. Jimmie Wing. Remember me?

1230. I was thinking about you after our meeting yesterday

1231. and I wanted to get in touch, but you didn't leave your phone number.

1232. Yeah. Well, I figured you'd come around.

1233. This is the chimp from Palatine? I told you, man. We scored.

1234. - Hi there. Jimmie Wing. - Hi. How are you?

1235. Bea Arthur. Outstanding.

1236. Can you believe it?

1237. A record exec came all the way down here to meet you guys.

1238. - You have to be careful. - Jimmie!

1239. Entertainment executives make their living screwing people.

1240. - Got a proposition for you. - Oh, shit.

1241. Okay, I know you think I'm a dick... cheese... burger or whatever,

1242. but you're gonna need someone to negotiate for you.

1243. I will offer my services for 10 percent of the pretax gross.

1244. That's standard.

1245. Shine on that, Chazz. It ain't worth it.

1246. Think about it. These things can be very tricky.

1247. You know, he's right.

1248. My ex-boyfriend Parker was a model, and one time they stole his shoes.

1249. - He hasn't even heard the demo yet. - Well, if he likes it,

1250. - I'd like to help. - What do you think, Ian?

1251. No, he's right. But make that 5 percent, Milo,

1252. you scum-sucking weasel.

1253. Okay, done.

1254. - Untie me. - You're doing so good, babe.

1255. Now what?

1256. Hey, Rex, Rex? It's me. Rex!

1257. It's that surfer guy, he wants to come back inside.

1258. What? Will you tell that guy to piss off?

1259. Guys! Guys!

1260. - Hey, no dice, man. Get outta here. - Oh, come on, Rex.

1261. Let me back in, man. I'm not gonna try anything.

1262. - You shouldn't have escaped, then. - Come on, bro. I was havin' a blast!

1263. Come on, Rex. Rex!

1264. I wanna get a drum set that goes underwater

1265. so in the middle of our show they dunk me in a tank and I can do my solo.

1266. Cool.

1267. Dude, I'm gonna get me a leather jumpsuit with the crotch cut out.

1268. Rex, can you set up this sound system

1269. so Jimmie Wing can hear the tape in the conference room?

1270. - I'm just... I gotta... - Yeah, go ahead.

1271. Hey, Rex, man. We're gonna go to jail, huh?

1272. Small price to pay for being a legend.

1273. Remember when Ozzy got busted for pissing on the Alamo

1274. and was banned from San Antonio for a decade?

1275. Did his time, went back, rocked the place.

1276. Section G where it says

1277. "riots, civil disturbance, war, acts of God," et cetera.

1278. - What about it? - Amend that to exclude

1279. this kidnap-hostage crisis.

1280. That can be construed as an act of public enemy.

1281. - Done. - Bro, where's the tape deck?

1282. Oh, why? We need that, too?

1283. - Let me see your arm. - Why?

1284. - Ow! - Get it, retard.

1285. - The board's fried. I can't fix It. - Oh!

1286. No, Ian. Come on, man, you gotta help me.

1287. I don't know what to tell ya. There's nothing more that I can do.

1288. - This is it, babe. - All set, Chazz.

1289. - Here we go, my man. - This is so exciting!

1290. - Oh, my God. Here it is. - All right.

1291. - Record contract? - Uh-huh.

1292. - We got a record contract! - Everything's square, too.

1293. Just autograph it on the last page and you got yourself a deal.

1294. Hah! We got a contract!

1295. We got a contract!

1296. - We made it, babe. - Congratulations!

1297. - Stop! - Hey, man, what are you doing?

1298. Hey, bro, we got signed!

1299. - No, way. Are you crapping me? - What are you doing with that?

1300. - Didn't you play the song for him? - No, no.

1301. We didn't hook this thing up yet.

1302. - So you two haven't heard the demo? - I heard it on the radio earlier.

1303. You heard it for about five seconds and then it got ate.

1304. Well, Chazz, my man,

1305. it's not just the music, it's the way you talk about it.

1306. You have such passion.

1307. - Whoa, whoa. What am I hearing? - What's wrong, man?

1308. - No deal. No. - What's this?

1309. - What are you talking about? - No deal!

1310. Yesterday, dick-shine here kicks me out of Palatine Records

1311. and today he has a record contract for me to sign.

1312. He hasn't even heard my tape. No deal!

1313. But this is what you wanted!

1314. You wanna know what I think of your contract?

1315. Allow me to demonstrate.

1316. He wipes his ass with his record contract.

1317. - I love this guy. - But we still have a deal, right?

1318. I wanna be a rock star someday, but on my own terms.

1319. Well, I got some news for you, big guy.

1320. You already are a star.

1321. You can't buy this kind of media exposure.

1322. We are sitting on a gold mine here.

1323. I am offering a long-term contract

1324. that will get your music out to millions of listeners,

1325. plus a whole lot more.

1326. Like what "a whole lot more"?

1327. Well, ever since you signed this contract,

1328. you've been under the umbrella of Palatine Records.

1329. We have an army of attorneys looking out for all our investments.

1330. Chazz, rock stars don't go to jail.

1331. Christ. Vince Neil only got 30 days and he killed somebody.

1332. Hey, buddy, you swear you can get us off?

1333. I swear... if you guys play ball.

1334. That's what I'm here for.

1335. Hey, Chazz, why don't we just play the tape on the air?

1336. They're gonna be throwing deals at us.

1337. Can't do that, man. Console's busted.

1338. It's this or nothing.

1339. Okay. Super-duper. We're making records.

1340. What about the song?

1341. - How we gonna play... - Ah. I'm already ahead of you.

1342. Officer O'Malley. Jimmie Wing.

1343. What are you doing sending me in with these animals?

1344. They're completely out of control.

1345. Yes. Yes.

1346. They have some more demands.

1347. Okay, in just a few moments now,

1348. we're gonna be witnessing the culmination

1349. of this extraordinary rock 'n' roll drama.

1350. Alive performance by "The Lone Rangers."

1351. Wait a minute. Cut it, cut it. That can't be right.

1352. You can't pluralize "Lone Ranger."

1353. If he's too expensive, get the guy who did the Guns N' Roses video.

1354. - Try for John Landis. - Landis is huge.

1355. This is great. This is a major media event.

1356. We have lights, we have crowds... We are gonna bury Lollapalooza!

1357. - I said no! - Look at the boots they gave me.

1358. - Excuse me. - How is this?

1359. - I feel kinda goofy. - You look like an idiot.

1360. Remember, this only works if you still have the hostages.

1361. Okay, Kayla, guns up.

1362. Hey, what about me?

1363. Oh, yeah!

1364. I love you, Chazz!

1365. This is a soggy dream come true!

1366. This is rockin'. Yeah!

1367. - All right! - Whoo!

1368. Let's give it to 'em.

1369. Oh, yeah.

1370. Hey, man.

1371. - What? It's not turned on. - They ain't givin' us no juice.

1372. The amps are props. They're just background for the video.

1373. We'll play your tape through the PA system and you pantomime.

1374. - What, are you yanking me? - Look, look,

1375. if you don't do it this way, then we won't be able to sync it up in post.

1376. Okay, Rex, lift up the gun so they can see it.

1377. - I ain't lip-syncing, man. - It's a video.

1378. - People always lip-sync in videos. - Oh, come on, this is bullshit.

1379. That's all we are to you, huh? Some freak show?

1380. For all you care, our album could be Pip farting on a snare drum.

1381. - Guys! - I ain't fartin' on no snare drum.

1382. If you guys don't do it, we don't have a deal.

1383. Me and the lawyers from Palatine Records, we walk.

1384. - Now do you get that? - All right. Come here.

1385. Come here, man. We can't do that.

1386. - Don't make us be lame. - Okay. Roll tape.

1387. Listen, dirthead, shut your mouth and do what you're told.

1388. What are you doing? We're filming!

1389. Play, you little maggot.

1390. Jimmie, get out of there. You're ruining my shot.

1391. Listen, I own you! I own you!

1392. Oh, yeah!

1393. You can't see nothin' from back there, you filthy scumbags!

1394. Come on down!

1395. Come on, let's go!

1396. Holy shit! Back it up!

1397. Just get outta the way. Let 'em go.

1398. It's total anarchy!

1399. - Whoo! - Check it out, man. They dig our song.

1400. All right! Rock 'n' roll!

1401. We start touring in six months.

1402. Well, three months if they behave themselves.