Adult Swim Yule Log (2022)

1. My cleaning service flaked, so I can't make it.

2. Yeah, it's been a big ol' shit show.

3. I had people checking in to units that weren't cleaned,

4. and now I'm here with a vacuum.

5. No, no, you stay. I'm fine.

6. You know, I got my music. It's... It's kinda relaxing.

7. Okay, now, bye-bye.

8. Hi. Can I help you?

9. Yes, I'm having a little bit of car trouble.

10. These steep mountain roads, they got me stuck.

11. Can I borrow your phone?

12. My phone? Don't you have a cellphone?

13. It... It died.

14. Guess it just ain't my day.

15. Oh, this here's my son.

16. Wait, what are you... No, you can't...

17. No, what are you... You can't come in here!

18. I lost my pretty face. She'll see me!

19. Don't worry, baby. I got your pretty face.

20. Remember, say nice things to her.

21. Girls like to hear nice things.

22. Did that feel good?

23. Did you get your yuckies out?

24. I guess she wasn't the one.

25. You'll know when the right one comes along.

26. Right one.

27. Oh, baby, you certainly made a mess,

28. I'll tell you that.

29. All these cleaning supplies sure do come in handy.

30. Lucky for us.

31. What you doing there, baby?

32. Evidence.

33. Evidence!

34. Such a big word!

35. You're such a smart man.

36. You're destroying evidence.

37. Evidence.

38. But we can't burn the body.

39. No, bones don't burn.

40. We're going to have to bury the body somewhere

41. and then just bury the evidence with that.

42. Like the digging game.

43. Huh?

44. Alright.

45. Oh, crappus dappus, baby. We need to hide.

46. Grab the body. Help me.

47. Oh, oh, come on.

48. Good.

49. What'd I tell ya?

50. Isn't this great?

51. Yeah.

52. Really nice.

53. My lungs are not used to all this clean air.

54. At least we got our steps in.

55. Do you think the cleaner came?

56. Uh, she was supposed to be gone at 4:00, and it is after 4:00.

57. There's still dust everywhere.

58. Well, babe, it's... it's rustic, you know?

59. I mean, supposedly parts of this house

60. were built before the Civil War.

61. So, uh, I think we're probably

62. just gonna have to get used to the dust.

63. Did you leave the fireplace going?

64. Or was that the cleaning lady?

65. Uh, no, that was... that was me.

66. I was filming and I think I forgot.

67. Alex, that's super dangerous.

68. You could've burned the house down.

69. I mean, I didn't, so that's... that's good news.

70. Hey, you want some wine?

71. God, yes. But I gotta pee first.

72. Cool.

73. Hey, you want to, uh, go chill out by the fire,

74. and I'll... I'll serve you.

75. Okay.

76. Won't I mess up your shot?

77. No, no, no, no, you're good.

78. I'm actually pretty good with that.

79. I just, um... I usually just shoot for like an hour or two

80. and then I find, like, a little bit that I like,

81. and I loop it... corkscrew.

82. Ah, found it.

83. The cleaning lady did the hearth.

84. It's still wet.

85. Oh, I was screwing with that corkscrew.

86. I didn't even need to.

87. Wine's a screw top.

88. Mm.

89. Oh, fancy!

90. Did you know that screw tops

91. are actually a lot better for the wine?

92. Hmm.

93. But wine makers keep using corks

94. because they think all of us just assume

95. if something has a cork that it's, like, nicer.

96. Mm. Big Cork suppressing the truth.

97. I got your big cork right here, baby.

98. Hope it's bigger than a cork.

99. It's marginally bigger than a cork.

100. I know. Just a little bit.

101. To, um...

102. To us.

103. To us and the coral reefs not dying, yeah.

104. I read something the other day, they've got that, um,

105. sunscreen that, like, doesn't hurt the reefs?

106. Pretty cool.

107. There's a lot of things that are killing it.

108. Yeah, like I said, it's, you know, always something.

109. Would you like to join me on this luxurious rug?

110. Okay, I know where this is going.

111. What? Is your camera still on?

112. No. No. I just wanted to...

113. Mm-hmm.

114. Yeah? 'Cause that one time was a one-time deal.

115. Oh, that one time was...

116. Hey! Hey! Hey! No, no, no, you say that now

117. until that cash starts rollin' when we start that OnlyFans.

118. Babe, I don't think that I want to sit on a dead bear.

119. I mean, do you think it's real?

120. Do I think this is a fake bearskin rug?

121. Is that even really a thing, babe?

122. It's just... I dunno. It's cruel.

123. Oh, it's cruel, it's cruel.

124. Says the girl wearing leather boots.

125. Okay, first of all, there's no face on my boots.

126. And it's just...

127. I dunno. It just feels weird, okay?

128. Okay!

129. staring at us pissed.

130. I mean, I can... I can move him.

131. Why are you petting his head like that?

132. Because he's a friend now.

133. You actually look really cute on it.

134. Yeah?

135. In a... sexy caveman kind of way.

136. Oh?

137. Don't let the boy see.

138. Yeah.

139. You look really good, too, actually.

140. You got this, like, sexy glow from the fireplace.

141. You look like, um...

142. Beyoncé?

143. I love you.

144. Yeah?

145. Mm.

146. Would the lady like a snack?

147. Mmm, always.

148. Yeah?

149. Okay.

150. Okay.

151. Ah, ah, shit, shit shit!

152. Mm! Damn it!

153. Yeah, no, I just got a...

154. What's wrong? What's up?

155. It's not a big deal.

156. I might have some Tylenol.

157. It's cool, it's cool, it's cool. Listen.

158. Listen, Zoe, Zoe.

159. This last year with you has been, like,

160. the most rad year of my life.

161. Yeah, and...

162. Where is my Tylenol?

163. that I think could make it better.

164. Babe, where'd you put the Tylenol?

165. you married me.

166. Oh, my God!

167. You said something was wrong with your leg, you asshole!

168. Well, I said what I had to say!

169. Oh, my God, Alex!

170. It's so...

171. It's so beautiful.

172. Where'd you get it?

173. It was Nana's.

174. Kinda cheesy, I guess, but, uh,

175. I know you told me you didn't want me to, you know,

176. do the whole blood diamond thing, so...

177. And I love you for that.

178. God, I...

179. I'm just... I'm... I'm in shock, babe.

180. You're in shock? Are you serious?

181. I took you to this beautiful mountain retreat,

182. and you're... and you're surprised?

183. I-I've just been working so much,

184. I didn't even, weirdly, think about it, I guess.

185. Okay.

186. Oh, my God.

187. Well, I mean...

188. what do you say?

189. Alex.

190. Babe, you know I love you.

191. Hmm?

192. Hmm?

193. Yeah.

194. I mean, you're... you're kinda scaring me right now.

195. Um...

196. Okay.

197. That's weird.

198. Babe, something is wrong.

199. You don't know that.

200. Hi.

201. Sorry to bother y'all.

202. Uh, we're just canvassing the area

203. to see if you noticed anything unusual last night?

204. Oh, uh, we weren't here last night.

205. We got here today. We're renting.

206. Yeah, we checked in early and went for a hike

207. so they could finish cleaning the place.

208. Did you hear or see anything unusual

209. while you're staying here, anything suspicious?

210. No. We didn't hear or see anything suspicious,

211. did we, Alex?

212. No.

213. Is something wrong?

214. Well, um, we don't wanna freak out the tourists.

215. Tourists are our lifeblood.

216. But we found a body on the other side of the mountain last night.

217. Oh, my God.

218. Is it a hiker or something?

219. How... How did they die?

220. The coroner's doing a report.

221. That's all we can say right now.

222. But she didn't beat and strangle herself.

223. Holy shit!

224. Oh, my God. Babe.

225. Wait a minute.

226. May I come in?

227. Uh... yeah, that's fine.

228. Yeah, come on in.

229. Where'd you get the log?

230. Uh, just down the road a little bit.

231. From the tree with the rocks around it in a circle?

232. Yeah. I think so. Why?

233. Is there something wrong?

234. That's a hanging tree.

235. They used to hang slaves on it.

236. Ohh.

237. I-I-I didn't know.

238. I-I mean, how was I supposed to know?

239. It just was a-a cool-looking log.

240. And the branch I cut it off was dead, so...

241. Didn't you see the plaque?

242. No, I didn't see the plaque. Did you see a plaque?

243. We... We saw no plaques, Sheriff.

244. Oh, Diane took down that plaque, Sheriff.

245. Yeah, she rents that place out for weddings down there.

246. They don't want to read about slavery.

247. She took down the plaque?

248. Yes. 'Cause of weddings.

249. Well, it's her land, but she shouldn't have done that.

250. I'm going to have to talk to her about that.

251. Did we do something wrong? 'Cause we had no idea.

252. That's also a very sacred tree

253. to the tribe that used to live around these parts.

254. Yeah, they considered it a demon tree.

255. They would never touch it.

256. Supposedly it fed on fear

257. and all the iron from all the blood spilling underneath it.

258. Hollis.

259. I'm researching for a Ghost Walk.

260. Well, these nice people don't need your ghost walk spiel.

261. They're on vacation.

262. Can I get a glass of water?

263. Yeah, of course. Of course.

264. Now, I'm not the superstitious type.

265. Yeah.

266. But I've heard enough of this weird crap around here.

267. Some of these people think this mountain's

268. like some kinda hillbilly Bermuda Triangle.

269. Yeah. Maybe it's from the tree.

270. Maybe it's not.

271. It is.

272. Well, we won't do it again.

273. Oh.

274. Okay.

275. I wouldn't burn that log again.

276. Tomorrow I'd bury it respectfully.

277. Don't touch it.

278. Use some cloth to carry it out.

279. Maybe even say a prayer.

280. That's what I'd recommend.

281. We'll do whatever's necessary. We're so sorry.

282. We'll... We'll say our prayers and everything, yeah.

283. Y'all two on vacation?

284. Uh, we were, yes, a very nice vacation

285. until both of you guys showed up

286. talking about dead bodies and demon trees.

287. Well, wait until he tells you about the aliens.

288. I-I'm sorry.

289. Y-You two seem like a very nice couple.

290. And I-I want you to enjoy yourselves.

291. But I just like to be cautious.

292. The Sheriff's very cautious.

293. Sure.

294. That's a nice camera.

295. Uh, yeah, thank you.

296. Yeah. What do you call this thing?

297. Like a...

298. DSLR?

299. Uh close.

300. It's an AF100.

301. It's probably overkill for my purposes,

302. but, uh, you know, I just like stuff to look nice.

303. You know, like, during the holidays

304. where people that don't have a fireplace,

305. they like to put up a video of a fire?

306. Yeah.

307. I make those. I put them on YouTube.

308. Oh, no kidding?

309. Hey, we use that down at the station.

310. Yeah.

311. Yeah, my daughter uses one, too, to study.

312. She's got ADHD.

313. Well, uh, I did one last year in Bali.

314. It was a, uh... like a beach bonfire situation.

315. Pretty cool.

316. Huh. Is that like a job or just a hobby?

317. Um, I make some money at it, yeah.

318. He has at least a million views.

319. I'm in the wrong business.

320. Well, If you recorded that log, I would definitely erase it.

321. Anyway, we'll let you nice people

322. get back to your vacation.

323. But if you need anything, anything at all,

324. here's my card.

325. Absolutely.

326. Yep, we will be in touch.

327. Have a good night, Sheriff.

328. Deputy. Ohh, watch your step.

329. Appreciate all you guys do.

330. Protecting and serving.

331. Your tax dollars at work, by the way.

332. Like, what was that?

333. That is so disturbing.

334. It's like I hate it when these men in positions of power

335. just believe all this, like, superstitious shit.

336. I'm talking about the killing.

337. There's a killer on the loose, Alex!

338. Right, yes, I know about, yeah, that.

339. But, you know, honestly,

340. I wouldn't really worry about that, babe.

341. I mean, most murders are family disputes,

342. statistically speaking.

343. Right?

344. And if it is a serial killer,

345. which, despite all the true-crime documentaries

346. would have you believe, is super, super rare,

347. he's probably very far away from here.

348. Babe, it can't be that rare.

349. There's many true-crime shows about them.

350. You really need to stop watching that shit before you go to bed

351. with as anxious as you are.

352. Ugh, God. I have to be prepared, Alex.

353. Always be prepared, right,

354. my little... my little Boy Scout.

355. Come here.

356. What do you say I relight that log?

357. Or... Or...

358. Or pick a different one?

359. The sheriff said don't.

360. The sheriff said don't, Alex.

361. I'm going to ask you something. Be honest with me.

362. Do you believe that that log is cursed?

363. Hmm?

364. I don't know what to believe. Okay?

365. I-I-I think the sheriff might be watching.

366. He might see the smoke.

367. 'Cause I just wanted to light a fire in a cabin

368. with my girlfriend and propose to her on a bearskin rug.

369. Yeah.

370. You never answered me, by the way.

371. Answered what?

372. "Will you marry me?"

373. Can we... Can we just talk about that later?

374. What does that mean? What does that mean, Zo?

375. I'm just...

376. Do you not want to? Do you want to think about it?

377. Babe, I'm just freaked out right now!

378. You're freaked out by who?

379. By... By Sheriff Bumfuck and Deputy Cletus?

380. What?

381. No. No. No.

382. No.

383. I'm not.

384. Babe.

385. I love you and I want to marry you.

386. I do, but I'm just scared.

387. Okay. Okay.

388. I'm... I'm fucking scared right now.

389. It's a huge step. I know that.

390. I-I-I know.

391. Alex, no! It's... It's not that.

392. Okay? You're... You're always so just happy-go-lucky.

393. And... And I have my shit.

394. What if it gets worse, huh?

395. What if it gets worse like my mom?

396. What if I grind you down the way my mom did my dad?

397. You're not like your mother! You're nothing like your mother.

398. You're not! And I'm not your dad, Zoe.

399. I'm not.

400. Look at me.

401. Look at me.

402. You're not going to grind me down.

403. You might... You might polish me, huh?

404. Polish each other.

405. Like... Like little diamonds.

406. Don't you... Don't you just feel

407. like you should be with someone happier?

408. No. No. No.

409. Huh?

410. You big stupid, dumb, dumb idiot.

411. You always know the right things to say.

412. But I...

413. I feel cursed.

414. Yes, like our friend the log in the fireplace.

415. Don't joke. Don't joke about that.

416. Okay.

417. It's... It's like a... It's like, um...

418. It's like a sense of doom.

419. Like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

420. You know, like... like, what if...

421. what if we're at a certain place

422. at a certain location at a certain time

423. and then a tree happens to fall on us

424. and had you not been married to me,

425. none of this would have happened.

426. You would have never died, Alex.

427. Zoe, that is so completely off the rails.

428. I-I-I'm going to ask you something right now

429. and I really, really don't want you to get angry at me.

430. Can you promise to try?

431. But you prefaced it really strongly.

432. that maybe...

433. we should up your medication?

434. It's not about my meds, Alex!

435. It's not about my meds.

436. This... This is who I am.

437. Alright. Look, I'm sorry.

438. A lot of fucked-up shit has happened to you

439. in your life, babe.

440. And I-I-I just want you to be happy.

441. Okay? That's all I want.

442. That's all I want.

443. This isn't just Willow.

444. Okay.

445. The planet is dying, Alex.

446. And I'm supposed to what? Go pick out china patterns?

447. "Oh, my God! That's so pretty!

448. Do you have it in lilac? Do you have it in blue?"

449. How am I supposed to raise a child in this hellhole?

450. Okay. Alright.

451. How do you... How do you even plan for the future

452. when there is none?

453. How do you plan for the future when there isn't one?

454. Every era of time...

455. Every era of time seems shitty when you're in it, okay?

456. That's just an objective point of fact.

457. Everybody believes that about their era, right?

458. Okay, just imagine, like, living in World War I or II.

459. Oh! Ooh!

460. As a black woman during the Civil War.

461. Don't... Don't do that. Don't do that!

462. I'm making a very cogent point right now, okay.

463. Ohh. Cogent.

464. I just think that we are living

465. at a pretty good little pocket of time in history.

466. You know, uh, comparatively speaking.

467. I guess my point is that there's always going to be

468. shitty aspects of life, babe.

469. No matter what era you live in.

470. And you just gotta... you just gotta find the good.

471. You know, you got to lean into the good.

472. Babe, this time is different.

473. The world is literally going to hell in a handbasket.

474. I think you mean figuratively.

475. Okay, yeah. Yeah, maybe you're right.

476. But you know what?

477. If it going to hell in a handbasket,

478. I want to be in that handbasket with you.

479. Me and you. In a handbasket.

480. Just... Just two guys,

481. plummeting to the depths of hell in a... in a handbasket, right?

482. Assuming we can find one, I guess,

483. big enough for... for two of us.

484. Although if the world is in a handbasket,

485. I guess we would also be...

486. Do you want to go in the hot tub?

487. You were just terrified of a killer stalking in the woods,

488. and now you want to go in a hot tub?

489. I never said I was consistent.

490. Do you hear that?

491. They have the code, babe.

492. Uh, just... just relax.

493. Whoa. Hello?

494. - Hi. - Hey.

495. What can I do for you?

496. We're renting the place? Who are you guys?

497. Huh. Um...

498. I'm sorry, actually, we're renting the place.

499. The reservation's on my phone. Hold on.

500. Okay, well, I've got the reservation on mine.

501. Did you guys go through Airbnb?

502. No. Mountain Getaways.

503. Could I actually come in and pee?

504. I've just been holding it for...

505. Yes! You can! 'Cause we rented the place.

506. - Okay. Excuse me. - No, no.

507. - Yeah. Everyone in! Yeah. - No! No, no, no, no. No, No.

508. Can you guys just go... just go back outside, please?

509. - Yeah, we did. See. Here. - No, I'm so sorry.

510. - Oh, crackers. Fuck it. - Can I see yours?

511. - Yeah, yeah. - Okay.

512. Hey, uh, babe.

513. Do you think that we should have people inside

514. while there's a killer on the loose?

515. Killer? Tell me more!

516. Looks like we're double booked.

517. We each booked on different websites

518. and it didn't reconcile or something.

519. Okay, um...

520. Okay, I'll just call the owner.

521. Oh, yeah, I'll call the owner, too.

522. It's a race.

523. We all took these edibles designed to hit

524. as soon as we got here,

525. so I don't see us driving anywhere tonight.

526. Seriously?

527. I'm sure they've got, like, tons of properties.

528. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Like...

529. You guy's hear that?

530. It's a phone ringing.

531. It's not mine.

532. I hear it.

533. Where is it?

534. It's a cellphone underneath the couch.

535. Babe, this is so fucked.

536. This has to be the landlady's phone.

537. Okay. Okay, yeah.

538. Um, she probably just left it on accident when she was cleaning.

539. Who leaves their cellphone behind?

540. Babe, I'm getting scared.

541. I think that we should go ahead and call the sheriff.

542. You have his card.

543. He sucks.

544. Alright, fine, I'll just get the card.

545. You just happen to have the sheriff's card?

546. Yeah, that's suspect.

547. Okay, it's not as weird as it sounds.

548. He was up here earlier.

549. He's investigating a murder or something.

550. Whoa. Wait, that's perfect.

551. We do a murder podcast.

552. Our podcast is called "There's a Podcast in the House"!

553. Have you heard of our podcast?

554. Have you heard of our podcast?

555. I haven't heard of your podcast!

556. We're still trying to find our audience.

557. But you should listen to some of the newer episodes,

558. 'cause some of the older ones, like, aren't so good, but...

559. Babe. Babe.

560. Hey, this is a nice camera.

561. What are you guys filming, a porno or something?

562. No. Alex shoots yule log videos as a side hustle.

563. If I left my phone behind,

564. I think that I would try and go and find it immediately.

565. Why didn't...

566. Why didn't the landlady go and try to get her phone?

567. Yo, yo, do you do that for money or, like, as a hobby?

568. Because that's a genius idea.

569. So easy.

570. God. That's so not important right now.

571. Well, it started out as a hobby, actually,

572. but then I, uh, fell into monetizing it.

573. Actually, last year, I, uh,

574. shot a bonfire on the beach in Bali.

575. It's up to like 10 million views or something.

576. Okay! That's really cool.

577. Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey.

578. Could you please not do that right now?

579. The sheriff said not to do that.

580. Okay, whoa.

581. What, is it, like, illegal to burn logs or something?

582. We accidentally got it from a cursed tree.

583. So is that why it won't light?

584. Oh!

585. No, I-I totally feel the cursed energy coming from it.

586. You feel the edible hitting, Henry.

587. It was used to hang enslaved people.

588. Whoa. We just...

589. The hanging tree. We just read about it.

590. Totally!

591. Is that... Ah, fuck!

592. Aw, babe!

593. It's a splinter!

594. Aw, I'm so sorry. Oof.

595. We actually just did this episode recently

596. about aliens in lynching photos.

597. Yeah.

598. It was, like, essentially viral.

599. No, I-I-I don't know what you're talking about.

600. It's a super-famous photo of a lynching with a huge crowd.

601. And there's one dude in the crowd that looks weird.

602. He has a face mask on.

603. He's an alien wearing a mask.

604. And it's got a chunky wristwatch, and... Okay.

605. Uh, wristwatches weren't invented back then!

606. Yeah, no, for sure, for sure.

607. Like, totally plausible.

608. Like, if I was an alien that had, like,

609. super-advanced technology

610. and could travel like millions of light-years to get to earth,

611. I just wouldn't even bother with a convincing mask.

612. Hey, Alex, you're supposed to be on the phone with the sheriff.

613. I'm on hold, babe.

614. I will find a picture.

615. Oh, there it is.

616. Decide for yourself.

617. Whoa.

618. Actually, yeah, that's, uh... yeah.

619. Yeah, I take it back.

620. This is actually a super-compelling photo.

621. Babe, it's like this, uh, really grainy photo

622. of, uh, like, a blurry guy.

623. Yeah.

624. that's a little bit deformed.

625. So, good job, man. Very, very sensitive.

626. Honestly, the most fucked-up part of that photo

627. is all the people just standing around

628. yucking it up while somebody's...

629. Hey, Sheriff. Hi. This is Alex.

630. Uh, you came by the cabin earlier.

631. Did you want to see the photo?

632. No, I don't want to see your photo.

633. Just... Just stop.

634. Okay.

635. was the site of a string of alien abductions

636. and lynchings in the 1950s, right?

637. She doesn't care.

638. Yeah, but, like, Esther Dickens.

639. The most famous case is Esther Dickens.

640. Do you know who Esther Dickens is?

641. Esther, man.

642. Like, I'm going to be interviewing her grandkids.

643. Yeah, for the podcast.

644. Enough. Enough about your podcast.

645. Whoa.

646. The landlady is missing!

647. Well, that's a pretty anti-climactic

648. phone call I just had.

649. Babe, what did he say?

650. He said to, uh, call back tomorrow

651. if she doesn't show up later for her phone.

652. Tomorrow?

653. Tomorrow? Okay.

654. What kind of half-ass shit is that?

655. There is a killer on the loose.

656. What... What do you want me to say, man?

657. This is... This is small-town mountain village life.

658. You know? You know what I mean?

659. This is what happens in these cities, right?

660. All the smart, like, upwardly mobile people,

661. they move away because there's, like, shitty jobs here,

662. and the ones who stick around,

663. they're all just superstitious idiots.

664. They believe stuff like, you know,

665. the... the weeping oak or whatever.

666. Just all this superstitious shit.

667. That sheriff was a fucking caricature.

668. And... And this is it. You know what I mean?

669. This is... This is what happens.

670. - Bang, bang, bang. - Oh.

671. Have fun, honey.

672. Rosa, that is some good cornbread!

673. I'll tell you what, some people say

674. you shouldn't serve cornbread with corn, but I like it.

675. You could it with grits, too. That's how much I like corn.

676. I know that about you, Isaac.

677. Mm-hmm.

678. I'm glad you like my cornbread.

679. Moist.

680. Oh. Isaac, can I ask you for a favor?

681. Of course, Rosa. What is it?

682. You're going to Luthor farm Saturday.

683. Yes.

684. I made a quilt.

685. For William.

686. It is getting cold.

687. And it wasn't ready when he was sold to Mr. Luthor.

688. But, um, you know, he's scared of thunder.

689. So now he can look at this and every day is blue skies.

690. Yeah, he always was scared of thunder, that boy.

691. Mm-hmm.

692. That's a nice blanket, Rosa.

693. I'd like to touch it but I don't want to get corn on it.

694. It looks soft.

695. So will you take it to him?

696. And while you're there, can you see how he's doing?

697. Hey, uh, Rosa, will you do me a favor?

698. Will you come sit next to me here by the fire?

699. Pull that chair up, come sit next to me.

700. What is it?

701. Uh...

702. Rosa, I...

703. I couldn't sell William to Mr. Luthor.

704. Yes, sir.

705. Now, I know we agreed on Mr. Luthor.

706. But when Daddy found out,

707. he said I needed to auction him to get the best price.

708. He heard about it.

709. Well, Mr. Luthor didn't...

710. Nah. No, Mr., uh...

711. Mr. Armfield ended up making a higher offer.

712. Mr. Armfield?

713. Now, Rosa, I-I got assurances

714. that William would be treated well.

715. But Mr. Armfield, he's a...

716. Rosa, I-I got assurances, now.

717. I looked him in the eye.

718. You gave me your word he'd go to Mr. Luthor.

719. Mr. Luthor, he's a nice man.

720. - Thank you. - Yeah.

721. Thanks for letting us stay.

722. You don't have to thank them. We're paying for it, too.

723. We shouldn't have to pay anything

724. 'cause the host fucked up, right?

725. We're going to figure it out in the morning.

726. So is there any room off limits?

727. Actually, our room has our luggage in it,

728. so it's pretty obvious.

729. And there's a room upstairs. And then there's this couch.

730. Well, Beth and I will take the room upstairs.

731. Uh, Henry, you cool with the couch?

732. Huh? Sure. Wait. What about the basement?

733. Doesn't that have a bed?

734. Uh, no, it's got rat traps and cobwebs.

735. Ohh, I thought it had bunks and, like, a pool table.

736. No, that was the other place. This one has the hot tub.

737. Speaking of which...

738. let's hot tub!

739. Okay!

740. Whoo!

741. Aw, yeah.

742. You guys have fun.

743. Um, excuse me? You're not gonna come?

744. Uh, no. Hot tubs disgust me.

745. Okay.

746. I'm going to take a shower and wash off the road stank

747. and Cheeto dust before the edible hits.

748. You're such a grandma.

749. Yeah, uh, don't smoke in the house.

750. We don't want to fuck our deposit.

751. Yeah. Don't smoke in our house.

752. Do you two want to hot tub?

753. Uh, why not?

754. Actually, Alex and I are going to go unpack.

755. Okay, great.

756. See you later.

757. Let's go unpack, Alex.

758. God! I can't be the third wheel in this.

759. Come on, Henry, give us a "whoo"!

760. Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

761. Don't whoo shame me.

762. I just don't feel comfortable

763. with them in the house, babe.

764. Well, I mean, I guess we could... I don't know?

765. Sleep in the car? If you wanted to do that?

766. C-Can we please just pump the brakes on the doom and gloom?

767. Oh, my God. Yes, you do!

768. I do... I do not just date Asian guys.

769. - Yes, you do! - No, I swear!

770. Oh, my God, Ryan, Kevin, Park.

771. Come on, you have total Asian fever.

772. No, I just like smart, ambitious guys.

773. It's not a race thing.

774. Yeah, but I'm not smart or ambitious.

775. Yes, you are.

776. So we have a Trivial Pursuit

777. that looks like it's from the '90s

778. and... a deck of cards.

779. Oh, no, I've been burned by rental cards before.

780. They're always missing that card that I need.

781. - Mm. - Okay, you better count them.

782. You count them.

783. I'm way too stoned for this.

784. I'll count them.

785. Yo!

786. How much do you make?

787. What?

788. You're not supposed to ask that, Henry!

789. How much do you make doing the videos?

790. Give me a range.

791. Um...

792. Well, it's not like top 10 YouTube influencer money,

793. but, uh, you know, I-I get by.

794. I also work for an ad agency.

795. Oh.

796. You know, at the ad agency,

797. I sort if feel like I'm doing pure evil.

798. But then Zoe helps the coral reefs, so it sorta balances out.

799. Well, in addition to the podcast,

800. I also do freelance photography.

801. No, you don't.

802. I shot Christy's wedding.

803. Yeah, but she didn't pay you.

804. And the podcast doesn't pay yet, either.

805. He's mostly a drug dealer.

806. I also went to optometry school.

807. But you didn't finish.

808. Yet.

809. So this whole, like, alien podcast thing you guys do...

810. Y'all believe that shit? Like, for real?

811. Or do y'all just, like, interested in it ironically?

812. 70/30?

813. The Esther Dickens thing is real.

814. She was visited by aliens in 1956.

815. Here, on this mountain.

816. They probed all up in her holes and just set her free.

817. A-And When she went to the doctor,

818. she was like 10 pounds lighter.

819. And the X-rays showed she was missing organs.

820. So the aliens, they... they... they come all the way here

821. to snatch a kidney?

822. I mean, come on, man.

823. You're like Neil deGrasse Tyson.

824. Why? 'Cause I'm annoying?

825. No! 'Cause you're smart.

826. Hmm.

827. Who lit the fire?

828. Um, not us.

829. Oh, yeah. The fire's back.

830. Hey, do you guys want an edible?

831. - Absolutely. - No.

832. They're from Colorado. They got official packaging.

833. They're not poisonous.

834. We're not the killer.

835. Although that is what the killer would say.

836. I'm going to bed.

837. Okay, I'll be in in a bit.

838. Is she okay?

839. Yeah, she'll be fine.

840. We're just going through some... stuff.

841. These edibles are very chill.

842. They might chill her out.

843. No, I appreciate the sentiment, but probably not.

844. She's had a lot of, like, really fucked-up shit

845. that's happened to her recently.

846. Like what?

847. You're not supposed to say that, Henry.

848. It's... It's... It's fine.

849. Um...

850. You guys really can't say anything, okay?

851. Okay.

852. So she works for this nonprofit

853. that helps the coral reefs, right?

854. That's cool.

855. Wait, I thought the coral reefs were saved.

856. I have, like, the suntan lotion.

857. It, like, says it's safe for the reefs.

858. Hey! Heeeyyyy! Hey!

859. Come here!

860. One night, they're having this, like, uh, auction, right.

861. Lots of rich people. Lots of cash flowing.

862. You know how rich people get.

863. They just want to save something.

864. Anyways, part of Zoe's job is to, like, handle the money,

865. take it to a bank after hours, drop it off.

866. So that day she had, like, her period,

867. and it was, like, apparently like a heavy-flow kind of day

868. and it started bleeding through her dress a little bit,

869. so she asked one of her co-workers,

870. a girl named Willow, if she could take the cash.

871. So Willow does, and then, like, on the way to the bank,

872. she gets robbed and murdered.

873. Oh, shit!

874. What?

875. But... Okay, but that's not her fault, though.

876. Oh, I-I know. I know. I-I think she knows.

877. Like, intellectually.

878. You know, but, like, good luck explaining that to her.

879. You know, I mean, she still feels like it was her fault.

880. Like it was supposed to be her, right?

881. She, like, bought a gun and she, like, keeps it in her purse.

882. I mean, it's like in there right now.

883. I really shouldn't be telling you this.

884. Man, I really, really shouldn't.

885. We won't say shit.

886. Alright, so, like, not too long ago,

887. she, like, took too many sleeping pills

888. before she went to bed.

889. Oh, shit.

890. And she told me that it was an accident,

891. and I, like, believed her.

892. I believed her. That's my girlfriend.

893. I love her.

894. But she, like, went to treatment,

895. and that was like about a year ago.

896. She's doing better. She says she's doing better.

897. But I don't... I don't know.

898. Little man: Come here!

899. Come here, you little scamp.

900. Come on over here.

901. I got something to show ya.

902. Oh, get on over here.

903. Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?

904. Nicely done, son!

905. A lot of people have trouble with that.

906. They burn themselves or whatnot.

907. But you got right in here.

908. This is like that meme.

909. What?

910. That meme with the dog.

911. Where he says, "This is fine."

912. "This is fine."

913. You know that?

914. Y-Yes.

915. But don't you worry.

916. This is fine.

917. You want a soda?

918. I'll take a Dr Pepper.

919. Don't you worry about them, my man.

920. They have their path, and you have yours.

921. Hmm.

922. No Dr Pepper,

923. but I got a Nurse Nutmeg.

924. You ever had a Nurse Nutmeg?

925. No.

926. Even better than a Dr Pepper.

927. Goes down easier.

928. Sorta like it's easier to get an appointment

929. with a nurse than a doctor.

930. Just pretend to drink it. It might be poison.

931. It's not poison.

932. But I get it.

933. Just thought you were thirsty.

934. Drink it or don't drink it.

935. Anyway, that is not what I wanted to show you.

936. Goes into the future, too.

937. Pretty neat, huh?

938. Yeah.

939. Really?

940. You think so?

941. Oh, it's so hard to surprise people these days.

942. What with the Internet, all the content.

943. Special effects.

944. Everybody's seen everything.

945. So I hear you're the screw-up of the family.

946. Nah.

947. Hmm... That's what I just heard.

948. Sisters are two doctors. One's a surgeon?

949. Yeah. But, um, my parents just want me to be happy.

950. So they're happy you're a drug dealer?

951. Well, they don't know that.

952. I'm also a podcaster.

953. Podcaster!

954. Good for you.

955. What if I told you I could wipe all the failures from your life?

956. Wipe it clean?

957. Sounds like a trap.

958. Ah, you kids don't miss a thing.

959. Real street smart, you kids.

960. Your generation are no suckers.

961. I'll tell you that.

962. Do you recognize that woman there?

963. Mom?

964. Any guesses who she's pregnant with?

965. Probably me. Or one of my sisters.

966. You is the correct answer.

967. She is pregnant with you.

968. 8 months.

969. And I have a way of making your life less disappointing.

970. This is a magic marker.

971. Or, in this case, a magic magic marker.

972. You go through that fireplace.

973. And you see that piece of paper on the coffee table?

974. Yeah.

975. on that piece of paper and you put it on the fridge.

976. Real quiet now. Don't wake your mom up.

977. You write A++,

978. and that baby in her belly will be a success.

979. Wh-What if she wakes up?

980. That'll terrify her.

981. You gotta be quiet.

982. I can't make it all easy for you.

983. Success requires some risk, son.

984. You know, I'm starting to think that is part of your problem.

985. No, I'll... I'll... I'll do it.

986. A++.

987. Okay.

988. Nicely done, son.

989. Your days of failure are behind you now.

990. I did exactly what you said.

991. A++.

992. Right on her stomach.

993. What did you say?

994. On the refrigerator, I mean.

995. I don't think you followed my instructions.

996. Uh, I-I don't know.

997. I...

998. I think I did. A++.

999. On her stomach. No, on the refrigerator.

1000. Were you high when you did it?

1001. It was a magic marker.

1002. That, son, is a kitchen knife.

1003. It was a magic marker.

1004. I'd love to argue with you

1005. but I don't debate with people that don't exist.

1006. Oh.

1007. to have a boyfriend like you.

1008. Thank you.

1009. And I'm pretty lucky to have you, too!

1010. Aw. I'm lucky to have you, babe.

1011. Ben's lucky to have you.

1012. Where is Ben? Is he still showering?

1013. Maybe he's masturbating.

1014. Actually, I-I'm gonna go see

1015. if he got sucked down the drain or something.

1016. Ben is gross.

1017. A little bit.

1018. - What's going on? - Oh, my God, no!

1019. Beth? Hey, what's going on?

1020. Fuck!

1021. Shit. D-Don't touch anything.

1022. It's evidence.

1023. Should we move him?

1024. Should we give him mouth to mouth?

1025. He doesn't even have a fucking mouth!

1026. Okay, okay, okay. Where's the sheriff's card?

1027. I'm going to call the sheriff.

1028. No, fuck that. I'm calling 911.

1029. It's the curse. You shouldn't have lit the fire!

1030. Nobody lit a fucking fire!

1031. Where were you when we were in the hot tub?

1032. What, you think I did that shit?

1033. Just go away. Go over there.

1034. 911. What's your emergency?

1035. My boyfriend, he's dead in the shower,

1036. and his skull is bashed in.

1037. You say bashed in. Is he still breathing?

1038. Of course he's not breathing. His skull is bashed in...

1039. What the fuck!

1040. Alex, it's the log! It's the fucking log!

1041. No, no, no, no, no, somebody...

1042. somebody threw it and they're still here.

1043. It wasn't thrown. I saw it. It just flew.

1044. No, no, no, no, no, baby. No, that's impossible, okay.

1045. That is impossible.

1046. It wasn't thrown, Alex!

1047. Either way, this log's going to burn the house down.

1048. Ah, fuck!

1049. No!

1050. 911. What's your emergency?

1051. Hey, we need your help. People are murdered!

1052. Don't say it's a flying log. They won't come.

1053. Do you have an address?

1054. It's an Airbnb. It's... It's Booth Mountain.

1055. Booth Mountain, uh...

1056. Please. There's... There's a log.

1057. It's pounding on the door!

1058. Can you pull up the address on an app?

1059. Do you have an e-mail with the address?

1060. Can't you track it?

1061. Baby, hey, I forwarded you that e-mail confirmation yesterday.

1062. Just... Just check your e-mail.

1063. 'cause I'm on the phone right now!

1064. Please, there is a log at the door!

1065. Okay, you say someone is pounding a log on your door?

1066. No, no one is pounding the log!

1067. The log is fucking flying by itself!

1068. Oh, God.

1069. It stopped.

1070. Maybe it's gone.

1071. Wait, wait. Okay.

1072. The sheriff came by the house today.

1073. And he warned us about the log. We got in trouble for it.

1074. Yeah, the sheriff will know where we are!

1075. You mean a police officer?

1076. No, no, no, no, the sheriff and his deputy.

1077. We don't have a sheriff.

1078. We have a chief of police. Her name is Chief Mackies.

1079. God damn it! It's a sheriff.

1080. Hello?

1081. Hello?

1082. Zoe!

1083. Arson!

1084. Arson!

1085. Arson!

1086. Go, go, go!

1087. Go, go, go.

1088. No, no.

1089. - What? - Trust me. Come on.

1090. Come on. Come on. Come, come.

1091. Okay.

1092. Why did you bring us in here? We are trapped!

1093. No, no, no, no, no, hey, hey, this is the best place.

1094. There's no windows, look!

1095. What about Holly?

1096. It's going to get Holly.

1097. Holly... Holly will be fine.

1098. She ran outside. She's probably at the car.

1099. It's okay. No, no, no, it's okay.

1100. We're going to be fine. We're going to be fine.

1101. No, we're not.

1102. Keep your voice down, okay, please.

1103. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

1104. Do you still have your phone?

1105. No, it died when I was on the phone with 911.

1106. Okay, that's good. Okay, that's good, that's good.

1107. No! They're not coming, Alex.

1108. Of course they're coming. You hung up on them.

1109. They don't know where we are.

1110. Did you not hear the log?

1111. It was crying! It's from hell.

1112. It's not from hell, okay!

1113. Some psychopath in the woods is fucking with us.

1114. That's all. That's all!

1115. The... The... The crying is prerecorded or something.

1116. A-And... And there's a drone in the wood.

1117. That's how it can fly around.

1118. No drone can do that, okay? It's a cursed log.

1119. This is not some Scooby-Doo shit, okay?

1120. We're gonna be safe in here for the night, okay.

1121. We're gonna hide and be safe.

1122. That thing's not gonna be active during the day.

1123. You don't know that.

1124. We had that fire going all day long and nothing happened.

1125. Hmm? Nothing happened till the sun went down.

1126. But did you hear what it was yelling?

1127. It was yelling, "Arson, arson."

1128. It's going to burn us alive.

1129. Alex.

1130. Okay, listen, first sign of smoke comes under that door,

1131. we'll make a break for it, okay?

1132. Th-There... Th-There's an axe...

1133. There's an axe on the front porch.

1134. We get the axe, we get to my car,

1135. we get off this mountain.

1136. The sheriff was a fake sheriff.

1137. When he came in, he sprinkled something on the log.

1138. I-I didn't think anything of it.

1139. What are you talking about? What are you...

1140. I didn't think anything of it.

1141. He must be, like, in on it or something.

1142. I'm sure he cast, like, an evil spell.

1143. Zoe, come on.

1144. You still don't believe it's a curse.

1145. With all due respect, babe, no, I don't.

1146. If... If brutality against Blacks and Native Americans

1147. in this country caused curses,

1148. then murderous logs would be as common as fuckin' Starbucks.

1149. And they aren't. They just aren't.

1150. A tiny drone cannot lift a guy.

1151. Fine. You know what? I hope it is a curse.

1152. I do. We'll write a book.

1153. A best seller. We'll be fuckin' rich.

1154. Oh, my God, Alex.

1155. If we survive.

1156. We are going to survive.

1157. This is a heavy door, babe.

1158. No windows. It can't get in.

1159. We're in the best place to be right now.

1160. Oh, my God, my camera.

1161. My camera's still downstairs. It's rolling!

1162. We're gonna have evidence of this, everything that happened!

1163. We'll sell it.

1164. They'll make a movie out of this.

1165. Who do you want to play you?

1166. We are not going to die. We are not going to die.

1167. Look at me. Look at me.

1168. I love you.

1169. Do you love me?

1170. I'm gonna need a vocal confirmation on that, babe.

1171. Yeah? Yeah?

1172. Okay, good. I love you, too.

1173. Do you trust me?

1174. I trust you, too.

1175. You're the fiercest woman I know.

1176. I kinda think Chris Pratt should play me.

1177. We need butts in seats, babe. We're gonna need a name.

1178. Alright? This is gonna be a blockbuster.

1179. So you think this is gonna be a theatrical movie?

1180. Not some, like... like, straight to Netflix...

1181. Babe, of course this is theatrical release.

1182. Look... Look around you!

1183. This is not straight-to-DVD shit

1184. that's happening to us in this house right now!

1185. It's bad.

1186. It's awful.

1187. of real supernatural shit.

1188. This is gonna be, like, Marvel movie big.

1189. Now, who do you want to play you?

1190. Arson!

1191. Go, go, go!

1192. Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!

1193. No.

1194. Remember, now, say nice things to 'em.

1195. Girls, they like to be complimented.

1196. Zoe!

1197. Zoe!

1198. Zoe!

1199. Zoe!

1200. I would not get in the way of my son and his date.

1201. You don't wanna do that. Nope.

1202. It's like getting in the way of a lion and his food.

1203. Listen, um, we are all in a lot of danger.

1204. This... This house is, uh... It's cursed.

1205. I swear to God.

1206. Did you see all the fucking bodies outside?

1207. We all in danger.

1208. Every day is danger.

1209. You been out there?

1210. People batshit crazy.

1211. Eenie, meenie...

1212. eenie, meenie...

1213. eenie...

1214. Pick her. She's... She's prettier than me!

1215. P-Pick her.

1216. She's prettier.

1217. Don't pick me.

1218. eenie, meenie...

1219. eenie, moe.

1220. No! No!

1221. No! No!

1222. Meenie!

1223. No, no, no, no, no, no!

1224. No, no! God, no!

1225. No! No! No!

1226. What's your name?

1227. You can call me Mother, honey.

1228. Mother? Okay.

1229. It's nice to meet you, Mother.

1230. My name's Alex.

1231. You're doing that thing where you befriend me.

1232. So I see you as a human being instead of a victim

1233. so I won't harm you.

1234. Oh, well, you such a smart one.

1235. No, no, no. It doesn't have to be like that, okay?

1236. We can get out of here. You can let me go.

1237. I can... I can give you money.

1238. I-I-I have an engagement ring, right?

1239. What... What... What is it that you want?

1240. What do you want, Mother? What do you want?

1241. Well, what do I want?

1242. Hoo-wee!

1243. What don't I want?

1244. Mind my manners.

1245. Now, do you want here some of this pimento cheese?

1246. I've been hogging it all. Come on.

1247. Come on. Now...

1248. You too high class for pimento cheese?

1249. You wish it was foie gras?

1250. Aah!

1251. Oh, you vegan?

1252. Just try pimento... cheese.

1253. It's pretty good pimento cheese

1254. for store-bought pimento cheese.

1255. Anyway, what do I want?

1256. I want a grandbaby.

1257. I want my son to give me a grandbaby.

1258. But you can't get a woman pregnant

1259. when you keep murdering them, you know?

1260. It don't make no sense.

1261. If he can just click with one of 'em,

1262. we can keep her in the basement.

1263. We got a nice basement.

1264. Have a basement family, huh?

1265. All safe, all warm.

1266. If he could just click with one of 'em.

1267. It's enough to make me want to adopt a Chinese baby.

1268. How'd that look in church?

1269. Maybe my son is gonna marry your girlfriend, huh?

1270. 'Cause right about now, it don't sound like

1271. she wants to marry you.

1272. Oh, we was listening.

1273. That's how come we learned...

1274. she has a little gun.

1275. She got a little gun.

1276. Well... mm, you know,

1277. there's so many different ways

1278. to meet women these days.

1279. Mm-hmm.

1280. I think he can meet a really nice girl.

1281. A girl that likes him for him, you know?

1282. Um, yeah, he can use an app. I can show him.

1283. I met Zoe on Bumble.

1284. Bumble?

1285. That would be about right for him.

1286. He's always bumbling.

1287. Now...

1288. sometimes, Alex, your kids will disappoint you.

1289. Now, his daddy...

1290. Well, his Daddy was an insulation salesman.

1291. He could sell dumbbells to a drowning man.

1292. Hmm.

1293. My son can't sell shit on account of he's dumb.

1294. No, no, no, no, there's a shortage in the trades.

1295. Mm-hmm. There's a lack of good tradesman.

1296. You know, heating and air, plumbing, garbagemen.

1297. You know?

1298. You look at guys like that, they're all over 50.

1299. Right? They're all over 50!

1300. 'Cause kids don't want to do it anymore.

1301. But it's good work!

1302. It's really, really good work.

1303. It pays 100 grand a year. He could do that.

1304. He can get a girl and a house.

1305. It's possible!

1306. Would that it were so, Alex.

1307. You paint a pretty picture. 100 grand.

1308. It's possible, it's possible!

1309. I can show you.

1310. I can show you both a different way.

1311. You know, you're right.

1312. You're so right. I'm so glad we talking.

1313. Let me... Let me cut these ropes.

1314. Let me go tell my son to stop his mess.

1315. Oh, my God, God bless you, Mother.

1316. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

1317. You must think I'm really stupid.

1318. "Oh, I bet she's just a stupid bitch," huh?

1319. "your son could be a plumber!"

1320. Zoe!

1321. Come on, hang on, baby! We're gonna be fine!

1322. I like your boobies.

1323. You wanna see my body?

1324. I'm strong!

1325. No! Please! No!

1326. No!

1327. No, no. No.

1328. No! No! No! No! No! No!

1329. No! No! No! No!

1330. No, no.

1331. No. No. No!

1332. Do you want to see my ding dong?

1333. Mr. Luthor, he's a nice man!

1334. Now, if daddy hadn't loaned me that money,

1335. I'd have lost this place and then you all be scattered.

1336. Everybody!

1337. How could I justify to Daddy

1338. selling your boy for less money?

1339. Wha-what would I say? "I'm... I'm fond of him"?

1340. I mean, what would that sound like, Rosa?

1341. Mr. Armfield is a devil.

1342. And he's a businessman, too, now.

1343. He's cuttin' ears off, he's cuttin' toes off.

1344. Oh, my baby! My baby!

1345. It's just the bad ones!

1346. If he kept doing that to all his slaves,

1347. he wouldn't have much of a business now, would he?

1348. You gave me your word and now all you're giving me

1349. is excuses!

1350. People will hear you! Mrs. Booth is in the other room.

1351. Now, take this to the cookhouse.

1352. Alright? I'm... I'm finished.

1353. I wish I could done Mr. Luthor.

1354. Would that it were so.

1355. But your son is a good boy.

1356. Your son is a good worker.

1357. He's our son!

1358. He's our son!

1359. Our son! Our son! Our son! Our son!

1360. Our son! Our son! Our son! Our son!

1361. Our son! Our son!

1362. Mommy, no! You're hurting me!

1363. No son of mine is gonna...

1364. I have nowhere to go!

1365. You never loved me!

1366. I'm not a sodomite!

1367. Pardon my old-lady, pimento-cheese breath.

1368. But then you have pimento-cheese breath, too.

1369. Don't fuckin' touch me! Don't fuckin'... Mnh!

1370. Hey! Police! Help! Help!

1371. We're in here!

1372. We called the police!

1373. Oh, you stupid fucking bitch!

1374. You and Pleatherface are fucked!

1375. Help! Help!

1376. Help! We're in here! The killers are in here!

1377. Does that look like a police car to you?

1378. Arvid, we got company!

1379. Oh.

1380. You don't belong here.

1381. Arvid!

1382. Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

1383. I'm not with her. My name is Alex.

1384. If you have faster-than-light travel,

1385. then I know that you're an advanced race

1386. and you can probably understand me, okay?

1387. If you have faster-than-light travel,

1388. then you're... then you're civilized!

1389. Um, please just... just release me.

1390. If you have faster-than-light travel,

1391. then you have empathy. You have empathy, right?

1392. I-I don't want to be here. Please! Please!

1393. You have faster-than-light tra...

1394. Aaaaah!

1395. You're hurting me!

1396. Oh, my God. That's a silver alien.

1397. They're the worst ones.

1398. Fuck!

1399. Alex!

1400. Alex!

1401. Shut the fuck up.

1402. Play dead.

1403. No, no, no! No.

1404. No. Fuck! No.

1405. No, no. No, fuck!

1406. No! Please! No!

1407. No. No.

1408. Isaac?

1409. Isaac?

1410. No! Rosa, what in... No!

1411. Such a shame. She was so young.

1412. She would've been so pretty

1413. if she just kept that weight off.

1414. I promise. It's not what it looks like!

1415. I'm not a sodomite. I'm not a sodomite!

1416. I'm not... I'm not off!

1417. Fuck! Oh!

1418. Bang, bang. I got you!

1419. Only in my shoulder. Bang! Bang!

1420. What is it?

1421. An old knife.

1422. It's rusted.

1423. Ooh, I bet that's blood.

1424. I bet Indians used it to scalp a woman.

1425. Indians didn't have knives, ya dope.

1426. A cowboy might've used it to kill an Indian.

1427. A whole mess of Indians.

1428. What did I tell you boys

1429. about roughhousing in the family room?

1430. Sorry, Mom!

1431. Go play outside.

1432. Please.

1433. You love me.

1434. You will now touch me under.

1435. Aaaah!

1436. Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

1437. Alex! Oh, my God, baby!

1438. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

1439. Come on, baby. Come on, come on.

1440. Come on. Do you hear me?

1441. Zoe?

1442. We're getting the fuck out of here, you understand?

1443. Everything's gonna be okay.

1444. No, no, no, no, no, do not say that.

1445. I know you're still in there, baby, okay?

1446. Kill me.

1447. You're just in shock, it's okay.

1448. Just let me sleep. Aah!

1449. Get up! Get up, get up, come on!

1450. Get the fuck up, Alex!

1451. Come on.

1452. Just stay with me, okay? Yeah?

1453. Let's get to the fucking car.

1454. My camera.

1455. Fuck your camera, babe, come on.

1456. Fuck! Fuck!

1457. I'm sorry I told him to pick you.

1458. I'm gonna get us out of here, Willow.

1459. My name is Holly.

1460. Little Man: Hey!

1461. Hey!

1462. Come here, girl.

1463. Come on!

1464. I won't bite.

1465. Come on, girl.

1466. Little farther. Mm-hmm.

1467. You want something to eat?

1468. You must be hungry.

1469. Something to drink? I got sodas.

1470. A towel to freshen up?

1471. Does the number 100 million

1472. mean anything to you?

1473. 100 million.

1474. It means something to all of us.

1475. Any guesses?

1476. I can't move my arms.

1477. That's the number of sperms

1478. in the average ejaculate.

1479. Crazy, huh?

1480. So when you were conceived, your sperm had to beat out

1481. 99 million and change.

1482. 99 million.

1483. Some odds, huh?

1484. And when life is too hard for some people,

1485. like yourself...

1486. makes you wonder if that other 99 million and change

1487. might have had a better go of it.

1488. You know?

1489. Come here, I wanna show you something.

1490. So... here is your parents' house.

1491. And this is the night you get conceived, you see?

1492. In a little bit, your parents will come home,

1493. stumble up those stairs, have sex and make you!

1494. Isn't that something?

1495. Just put this baseball on the third stair.

1496. It's dark and your dad will stumble.

1497. Be enough to get his balls a-jostling,

1498. mix up that sperm a little.

1499. Give another sperm a chance to be born.

1500. You see?

1501. Another sperm means another person.

1502. And events will change.

1503. That other person will probably have a different job,

1504. causing your co-worker Willow to live.

1505. And with another person, your boyfriend

1506. will have a chance to find a better partner,

1507. and you won't have to suffer with anxiety anymore.

1508. Ahh! It's a win-win. Don't you see?

1509. Now, does that sound like a plan?

1510. Does that sound like a plan?

1511. No.

1512. No what?

1513. I... want... to...

1514. I want to live...

1515. You want to live?

1516. You have lived!

1517. Been there, done that. Didn't care for it.

1518. Don't you think it's time for a do-over?

1519. Hmm?

1520. You... are... from... Hell!

1521. Now, that hurts.

1522. I'm not from Hell. I'm from here.

1523. Just a different time is all.

1524. You know, you think you're a good person.

1525. But in the future, they say you're not!

1526. Don't you think I wish I was born when you were?

1527. With progressive views, your cushy job.

1528. In your fancy, light-filled, big-city office.

1529. With air conditioning.

1530. Just typing on your little keyboard all day.

1531. Type, type, type.

1532. With your avocado toast.

1533. I've never even had an avocado.

1534. Yeah, you have privilege, hmm?

1535. But nobody ever talks about time privilege.

1536. What will they say about you in the future, Zoe, hmm?

1537. Burning your gas,

1538. contributing to global warming.

1539. Eating your bacon!

1540. Poor little piggies.

1541. Stepping over the homeless people.

1542. They'll say, "Why didn't she

1543. let the homeless people sleep on her couch?"

1544. And then you want a do-over,

1545. which I am trying to give you!

1546. I'd love a do-over.

1547. But I'm stuck here in this fucking fire.

1548. Oh, Zoe, you found my knife.

1549. I've been looking for that forever.

1550. Thank you!

1551. Now, do what needs to be done.

1552. Put the Goddamn baseball on the stair.

1553. Oh!

1554. Come back here!

1555. Thank you, Alex. Thank you, baby!

1556. Oh, my God.

1557. No, no, no, no, no, no! Stay with me!

1558. Stay with me, yeah? Let's get out of here.

1559. Come on, come on.

1560. Alex.

1561. Alex, keys.

1562. The kitchen.

1563. Fuck!

1564. I'm not going back in that fuckin' house.

1565. I'll run in the woods if I have to.

1566. Fat-ass bitch.

1567. Get your hands off of me.

1568. Stop it!

1569. I don't feel right.

1570. - Nothing I do makes you... - I hate you!

1571. - I hate you! - This isn't working.

1572. Get the fuck out!

1573. I'll give you something to cry about.

1574. Time to Paul Bunyan your ass, motherfucker!

1575. Holy fuck. We did it!

1576. No! No!

1577. No, no. No, you... You don't understand!

1578. It's that fake fucking sheriff!

1579. You can't leave!

1580. You're important here.

1581. This is the dawn of a new age of...

1582. Fuck you!

1583. I can and I will!

1584. Don't stop.

1585. I'm not.

1586. I'm not stopping until the tank is empty.

1587. I love you.

1588. I love you, too, baby.

1589. No matter what happens next.

1590. I think we should make the logo a tad bit bigger.

1591. You want the logo bigger?

1592. I'm kidding. I'm imitating our client.

1593. I love it.

1594. Hey, it's your concept and your copy.

1595. I just laid it out.

1596. Send it.

1597. Yes to the client!

1598. It's early enough, we might hear back today.

1599. I hope not.

1600. I just love that glorious moment

1601. when you send something off and before you get the notes.

1602. It's such a freeing feeling.

1603. We're not getting notes. It's fucking perfect.

1604. Well, just in case, maybe we should knock off early.

1605. What would the boss say?

1606. Maybe you should ask the boss.

1607. What do you say, boss?

1608. I say we should knock off early.

1609. Alright.

1610. So you wanna grab a drink at the Highlander?

1611. You sure we have time? You know William

1612. loves to get to the Braves game early.

1613. Oh, that's right! Uh, I guess

1614. we'll just have to grab our celebratory drink there then.

1615. Hmm.

1616. It should be feeling cooler.

1617. A.C.'s pretty old, but I think I beat it into submission.

1618. I feel a difference already.

1619. Thanks, Arvid.

1620. Traffic is gonna be hell.

1621. I wish we could just teleport ourselves there.

1622. Would that it were so..

1623. I think I beat it into submission.

1624. We're taking William to the...

1625. I think I beat it into submission.

1626. We're taking William to the...

1627. Would that it were so.

1628. I think I beat it into submission.

1629. We're taking William to the...

1630. Would that it were so.

1631. I think I beat it into submission.

1632. We're taking William to the...

1633. Would that it were so.

1634. We're taking William to the...

1635. I'm sorry, Rosa.

1636. I'm sorry for what I did.

1637. I'm sorry for everything.

1638. I love you, Rosa.

1639. Forgive me, Rosa.

1640. I'm sorry for everything.

1641. I love you, Rosa. I'm sorry for what I did.

1642. Sorry for all the...