1. Okay, ready, and...
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2. Take your own cue, Adam. And action, Dan!
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3. Fuck those cars. You should...
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4. I have one. I have an electric car.
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5. But at least I have the decency
when I'm driving,
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6. to put my head out the window and go,
"Here comes the Sandman."
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7. "Sandman coming. Watch out."
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8. How about those Tesla's now
driving themselves?
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9. Those Teslas, that's pretty cool.
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10. They can drive themselves. Holy shit, man.
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11. I got in an accident with a Tesla
and nobody was in there, and I didn't know who to exchange
the information with...
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12. and I started screaming,
"Hey, you fucker. What the fuck?"
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13. And the Tesla's, you know, fucking
windshield wipers are flappin' about.
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14. And I was like, "What the fuck
does that mean? You did it."
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15. And its fucking lights
are going on and off.
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16. Like it's saying, "Okay. All right."
And, uh...
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17. Then we go to court
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18. and I'm like,
"I'm going to fucking destroy this thing." And then the Tesla shows up
in a neck brace,
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19. and I say, "Oh, give me a fucking break.
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20. What a liar. He's a fucking liar."
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21. You ever go over to somebody's house
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22. and, uh...
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23. you ring the doorbell and the guy answers,
and he says, "Hey, take your shoes off"?
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24. And then you go, "Oh, God. Okay."
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25. And then he goes,
"Hey, take your socks off."
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26. And you're like,"Take my socks off?"
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27. And then he goes, "Roll up your pants."
You're like, "Roll my pants up?"
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28. He puts some grapes down,
and goes, "Start stomping the grapes."
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29. You're like, "What the fuck are we doing?"
He's like, "Making the wine!"
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30. "You make me the wine."
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31. My wife's always putting lotion
on my face.
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32. Don't you put a lot of lotion
on your face out here in LA?
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33. My wife fucking
really lathers on the lotion.
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34. She always says she's looking out for me.
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35. She just puts a lot of lotion.
Like, there's too much.
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36. Doesn't rub it in either.
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37. She just puts it on my forehead,
my cheeks, my nose...
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38. Then I found out, before me,
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39. my wife used to date a lemon meringue pie.
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40. And I was like—
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41. She still likes him. She still likes him.
I know she does.
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42. I don't give a shit.
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43. My father used to shave—
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44. My dad had a beard,
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45. and then, literally, every ten years
would shave his beard.
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46. Like, didn't ask us, just fucking
came out of nowhere, shaved.
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47. It was— Any time
my father shaved his beard,
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48. it was the only time
you saw him look vulnerable.
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49. When he first came out of the bathroom,
he was like...
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50. I was like, "Dad has dimples?"
I didn't know Dad had dimples."
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51. "It'll grow back."
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52. Why'd you do it?
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53. "I don't know.
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54. It was...
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55. It was itchy."
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56. "It's been itchy for ten fucking years?"
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57. I went to my friend's house
and he had a heated toilet seat.
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58. I sat on his heated toilet seat.
I've got to say it made you relax.
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59. I went a lot better than I usually go.
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60. I came out and said, "I like that heated
toilet seat. Where'd you get that?"
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61. He goes, "I don't have
a heated toilet seat."
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62. You ever walking down the street
and you say hi to a baby?
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63. And, uh...
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64. And the baby goes...
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65. And you're going, "Yeah, that's great."
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66. And then— And the mother goes,
"He can say 'hi' back."
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67. And you go, "Oh, yeah?"
And the kid goes...
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68. You go, "There it is."
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69. Then mother goes,
"No, he really can say it."
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70. And the kid goes...
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71. And you go, "Hey, that was great."
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72. The mother goes,
"No, he really can say it."
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73. And the kid goes...
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74. And you go,
"There it is. That was it, right?"
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75. And the mother's like,
"No! Say it. Say hi."
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76. And the kid's like...
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77. And— And then the mother's like,
"What the fuck? Say it!
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78. You said it earlier!"
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79. And the kid's like...
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80. And you're like, "Hey, that was
a full sentence. That's better than 'Hi'."
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81. And the mother's like, "What the—?
I'm so mad at you, baby!"
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82. And then she like hands you the baby
and is like, "I've got to walk this off.
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83. This is very discouraging for me.
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84. He said it earlier!"
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85. And you're holding the baby, like...
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86. "Say it. Go ahead and say it. Say, 'Hi'.
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87. Come on, you really upset your mother."
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88. And the kid's looking at you...
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89. And you're like, "Come on, get it out."
It's gonna make her feel better.
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90. And the kid's like...
And you're like, "You can do it. Come on."
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91. And the kid's like...
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92. "Help me.
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93. She— She...
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94. She won't let me get vaccinated."
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95. Come on, there's no proof
that that's good or bad yet.
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96. "I've been getting sick a lot."
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97. Wait, what day is it?
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98. Shit.
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99. The trial was last week.
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100. And he got the chair?
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101. My wife and I,
we fool around pretty hardcore.
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102. We go at a pretty good. It's fun.
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103. You know, it's nice. We love each other,
and we fucking go pretty hard and...
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104. It gets crazy.
It gets pretty fucking nuts in there
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105. because it's only me and her,
nobody else.
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106. So, we're like, "Let's fucking—
Let's do it all," you know?
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107. We do, uh— We do have a safe word.
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108. It's, "Really?"
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109. My whole life, I always wanted
to be able to do a flip.
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110. Wouldn't that be great?
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111. I was always growing up, going,
"Man, I've got to get a flip going.
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112. Everybody will love me
if I could just do a flip."
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113. Everybody would be like,
"Whoa, did you see the Sandman?
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114. He popped out a flip."
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115. I just wanted to be
in a fucking Marshalls or something,
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116. buying some cheap clothes
and going, "Hey, watch this."
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117. Pop a flip and have
the fucking lady at the cash register go,
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118. "Did you fucking see
that kid with the flip?"
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119. I'd be like. "Hey, I do it all the time."
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120. But I never got that one down, man.
I wish I did.
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121. Always I was like—
I didn't know how to fucking practice.
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122. That was the problem.
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123. I didn't know how to do my first try.
I would always get to right about here,
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124. and then go, "Ah, I don't know.
I'm gonna get hurt."
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125. And when I got older, I wanted to learn
how to speak fluent Italian too.
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126. And I did that. I mastered that.
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127. So, I'm in Italy,
and I meet the Pope himself,
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128. and in fluent Italian, I say to him,
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129. "Hey, I love what you've done
for the Church.
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130. I love what you you're doing
for the world.
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131. America says, 'Hello.'
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132. Um...
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133. Am I getting into heaven?"
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134. And in Italian he says,
"Can you do a flip?"
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135. And I was like, "Madonne!"
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136. Shit.
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137. Did you ever have a friend
who rescues too many animals
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138. and, like, never can do anything?
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139. "Hey, you want to go out
in a couple days?"
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140. "Ah, no, my chicken's eye fell out
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141. and I've got to paste it back on."
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142. "Oh, okay. That shouldn't take that long."
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143. "Well, one of the ducks,
she isn't quacking, so...
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144. I've got to look—
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145. I've got to look into that."
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146. Okay.
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147. Dling!
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148. By the way, I never met this man.
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149. Uh, this one is
kind of a Bee Gee-esque tune.
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150. Kind of a...
You like the Bee Gees out there?
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151. - I always liked the Bee Gees.
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152. - Thank you.
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153. Oh, yes.
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154. - What the hell happened?
- I fucked it up.
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155. No! You don't just start over!
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156. You apologize to me!
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157. You don't just do that to the Sandman!
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158. Okay.
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159. Let's start again. We'll cut around it.
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160. Not yet!
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161. Hit it!
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162. - Hoo!
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163. Yes, yes, yes.
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164. I fucked up. All right, sorry.
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165. Fuck that shit!
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166. The Sandman don't fuck up.
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167. Ooh, from the top.
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168. Let me hear you.
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169. Let's go.
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170. Thank you.
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171. Yeah, okay, we did that again. I think
that was better than the first time.
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172. Do you? Yes, yes. Absolutely.
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173. - Okay, here comes a song.
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174. More dancing.
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175. Yes, sir.
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176. Here we go, here we go, here we go.
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177. Should we clap along?
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178. - All right, let's lose that. I hate it.
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179. Sorry.
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180. You were right on it.
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181. It's a thing of mine, man.
I don't fucking like that shit.
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182. It was startling me.
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183. No!
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184. Thank you. Thank you.
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185. I'm a triple threat though. You didn't
know I could dance that fucking good.
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186. Took many lessons growing up, man.
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187. The hula— The hula hoop.
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188. Hula hoop, by the way,
is very horny looking.
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189. When I'm
at my fucking kids' birthday parties
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190. and some kid gives me a hula hoop
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191. and I'm doing it, I feel so fucking gross.
I'm going...
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192. You see other parents like,
"What the fuck?"
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193. Do you ever play miniature golf
with your daughter
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194. and you're tied on the 18th hole?
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195. And in the middle of her backswing,
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196. you just say, "Hey, I tea-bagged
your mother this morning."
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197. And then—
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198. And then the kid sinks the putt
and goes, "Yeah, I know, I saw."
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199. And you're like,
"This kid stays concentrated."
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200. She's fucking good. She's got focus.
She could be somebody.
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201. Are there married folks out there tonight?
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202. Married folks.
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203. - I love it. Okay, this is for you guys.
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204. Thank you.
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205. Marriage is good, guys.
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206. Marriage is good.
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207. You'll like it one day
if you're not married.
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208. You just got to keep it mysterious.
You got to keep the mystery alive.
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209. Like, my wife has no idea
where I go for weeks at a time.
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210. - It's fucking— It's a big mystery.
You tell her where you are tonight?
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211. Yeah, she knows I'm here.
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212. My kids don't.
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213. I just said I was
going downstairs to get an apple.
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214. I always get these emails from
the kids' school that I've got to come in.
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215. "It's Terrific Tuesday...
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216. Make sure you come in."
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217. And you're like, Terrific—
What the fuck is Terrific Tuesday?
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218. Well, you come by the school
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219. and you tell the kids
how terrific they are.
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220. And I'm like, "Okay, Thirsty Thursday."
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221. It's Thirsty Thursday. Come by.
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222. You know, you help the kids
fill their water bottles.
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223. I'm like, my father
literally came to school
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224. one fucking time my whole school career.
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225. He opened the door
in the middle of a fucking test,
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226. and I hear, "Where'd you put the rake?
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227. I'm like, "What?"
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228. "You put it on the nail?"
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229. - "I think I did."
- "You think?
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230. "It's not there."
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231. - "Okay."
- "It's not okay."I'll get it for you after school."
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232. "No, you'll get it now!"
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233. Okay, here we go.
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234. There he is!
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235. Joking.
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236. He's not. Leave him alone.
Get the fucking lights off of him.
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237. He seems like a decent man.
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238. Sorry.
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239. Hello.
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240. You ever...
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241. How about the times you wake up...
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242. Ever wake up like 4:30 in the morning
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243. and you're like, "God damn it.
What am I doing up right now?"
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244. 4:30, can't fall asleep...
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245. I'm fucking ruined for the day.
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246. Ever do one of those things where you go,
"Let me just get out of bed,"
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247. and live like those people who always go,
"Hey, I get up at 4:30 every day.
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248. I do that for me. That's me time.
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249. I spend the morning alone.
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250. That's my time and it's the best.
It sets me in the right mood."
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251. You're like, "Let me be
one of those fucking pricks.
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252. I'll get up at 4:30."
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253. And you get up at 4:30
and you make yourself breakfast.
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254. You're like, "Wow, this is good.
making breakfast. I never do that."
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255. And then you work out.
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256. You're like, "I'm working out this early.
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257. Holy shit. That's out of the way.
That's great."
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258. And then you have yourself
another breakfast.
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259. You're like,
"Okay, I'm running out of shit to do."
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260. And then you flip on the news and you go,
"There's news before the news?
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261. Who the fuck are these people?
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262. They're very good.
They should be on the real news."
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263. Then you go outside
and you see a bird eating a worm.
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264. You're like,
"Is that the fucking early bird?
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265. I've been hearing about that thing
for a long time."
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266. There he is. Holy shit."
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267. Then a bus shows up,
and your kids get on it.
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268. You're like, "That's how they fucking
get to school. Nobody fucking told me...
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269. What a day. This is interesting."
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270. And then it's around 11 o'clock
and you're in the middle of a work meeting
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271. and you're like, "How long
is this fucking day gonna go for?
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272. Let me sleep!"
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273. My wife's grandmother turned—
she turned 101 years old,
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274. which is nice, 101 years old.
- That's good for the family,
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275. you know, good to have that
in your genes.
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276. My daughter's got that great life.
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277. My family, we fucking die...
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278. I should be dead is all I'm saying.
It makes no sense that I'm here right now.
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279. But 101 years old...
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280. I went to her birthday,
I gave her 101 punches in the shoulder...
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281. Just, she kept going, "Ooh."
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282. And I was saying, "It's tradition.
We can't break tradition, Grandma."
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283. She was like, "I want to break tradition."
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284. I was like, "Well, you can't.
So, just fucking deal with 94 more."
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285. And bam. "Oh!"
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286. What's going on?
You getting this camera all set?
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287. Don't get hurt.
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288. That's a heavy fucking piece of machinery.
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289. It's blocking you good.
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290. You okay? You got your beer.
That's a big fucking beer, man.
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291. Way to go. You get loose.
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292. I dedicate this song
to the fucking drunk guy right there.
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293. Here we go.
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294. Yeah.
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295. Shoop!
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296. I love you!
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297. Thank you!
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298. That was fun.
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299. Are you ever wiping yourself,
uh, back there...
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300. You're wiping up pretty good,
and then you keep wiping.
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301. And then you've really—
you've got to keep wiping.
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302. And you wipe again,
and then you wipe another one.
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303. Then you go, "You know what?
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304. Just out of principal,
I'm stopping after this next one.
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305. It's fucking enough already.
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306. I don't care if I'm done or not.
This is fucking killing me.
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307. Whatever happens happens.
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308. Get me the fuck out of here.
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309. I did my first dick pic, everybody.
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310. Thank you.
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311. A dick pick is...
that's a weird thing to do.
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312. There's no reason for me to do it.
I'm fucking married.
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313. But all my friends are doing them,
so I'm like, "What the fuck, let me just—
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314. at least I can be part of the conversation
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315. when they're talking
about their dick pics.
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316. I can go, "Oh, yes, definitely."
You know?
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317. So, I do my first dick pick.
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318. I look back at it.
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319. There's a ghost in the background.
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320. So there's a ghost in the image,
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321. and I'm like,
"I live in fucking haunted house?"
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322. I had no idea. I want to show everybody...
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323. 'cause...
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324. what are the chances of catching that?
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325. But my dick doesn't look...
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326. as good as I want it to look in the image.
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327. Plus, you know,
the fucking ghost was really tall,
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328. so he made my dick not look... exact.
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329. Plus the fucking ghost was holding a ruler
next to my dick.
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330. I was like, "What the fuck
is your problem?" to the ghost.
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331. He was like...
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332. The ghost was like,
"I live here too. I like to have fun."
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333. All right, I'm gonna play guitar
a little bit for you.
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334. You love your kids more than anything
on the planet until like 9:30 at night.
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335. And then you're like,
"Okay... that's enough.
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336. I loved you all day long.
Just give me a little break.
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337. I answered all your crazy questions.
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338. I don't even know... I know nothing.
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339. That does not fucking help
when you have to answer your kid.
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340. I've got to make up every goddamn answer.
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341. "Are whales smart, Daddy?"
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342. "Well, you know, they're more street smart
than book smart, but..."
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343. I don't fucking know anything
about whales.
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344. My daughter plays basketball,
my nine year old.
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345. So, I go and see her play basketball,
and she's a sweetheart of a kid.
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346. And every time they put the kid
in the game, I get so excited.
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347. I take my video camera out,
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348. and I fucking video everything she does.
Copy !req
349. And so, a couple Sundays ago,
I'm videoing my daughter
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350. and another dad goes,
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351. "Hey, can you email me that
when you're done?"
Copy !req
352. And I go, "Yeah, absolutely, dude.
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353. And then I'm videoing my kid
and then I remembered.
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354. Actually, when I video my kid,
I say a lot of things, and...
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355. It's always not stuff
I want other people to hear.
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356. And I'm always like,
"Okay, you got it, you little cutie.
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357. You've got the ball. You're so good.
Look how good you are.
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358. You take the ball. Pass it to my kid.
Somebody pass it to my kid.
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359. I'll get a break your fucking neck,
I swear to God.
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360. Give that fucking ball to my fucking kid.
You all suck out there."
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361. And I was like, "I better not
email that to that man there.
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362. So I just emailed him
the ghost/dick pic thing.
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363. The guy was like,
"What the fuck's with the ruler?"
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364. I go, "Yeah, the ghost was an asshole.
Fuck that guy."
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365. "I'm with you."
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366. My little sweet daughter...
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367. the sixth grader,
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368. she comes back from school
and she's like,
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369. "All the boys keep saying,
'That's what she said...'
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370. and then they all laugh."
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371. - "Why Daddy?"
- And I was like, "Oh, boy."
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372. "Yeah, it seems like anything I say,
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373. they say, 'That's what she said.'
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374. They look at each other,
and they just laugh and laugh.
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375. And I'm confused. Help me Dad-da."
Copy !req
376. And so, I'm like, "Okay,
how do I explain this to her?" And I'm trying to just figure out,
you know, the right way to do it,
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377. in a clean way, no cursing.
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378. And I'm just going,
"Uh— uh— uh— uh, well, it's a..."
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379. And then my kid goes,
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380. "That's okay, Daddy. You tried your best."
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381. And I was like,"That's what she said."
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382. All right, let's do this.
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383. That's not true. None of that—
None of this fucking story...
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384. All this is a lie. All right.
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385. - Come on.
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386. You know you would fucking go
to that ice cream place all the time.
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387. Oh, Sandman.
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388. That's too much.
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389. - Okay.
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390. Just getting ready.
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391. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
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392. Yeah.
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393. Thank you.
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394. Thank you. Thank you.
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395. Thank you. Ahh.
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396. Grandma!
Copy !req
397. What the fuck was that?
Copy !req
398. After every joke...
Copy !req
399. This is one that we don't play that much
Copy !req
400. But, uh—
but I figured it's fucking Jersey.
Copy !req
401. I think you guys might enjoy this.
So here we go.
Copy !req
402. Very nice, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Copy !req
403. So I'll tell you a little story
about Disney World.
Copy !req
404. You want to hear
a true Adam Sandler Story?
Copy !req
405. - Please, I can— Okay.
Copy !req
406. So you guys have been
to Disney World, right?
Copy !req
407. - The families have been there.
Copy !req
408. Who doesn't have kids
and still goes to Disney World?
Copy !req
409. You fucking stoners.
Copy !req
410. - I'm on to you.
Copy !req
411. All right, so I go
to Disney World recently
Copy !req
412. with my wife and the two kids.
Copy !req
413. My kids wanted
to go on this roller coaster.
Copy !req
414. They were very excited.
So, we wait on the line.
Copy !req
415. We're waiting.
You know the lines are very long.
Copy !req
416. So, it takes like an hour and 15 minutes.
Copy !req
417. We get to the front of the line,
Copy !req
418. and then the roller coaster, we find out,
only takes three people at a time.
Copy !req
419. So, there's four of us.
Copy !req
420. And I see my wife and the two kids
Copy !req
421. just immediately start walking
to the thing.
Copy !req
422. And I was like, we're not even
gonna flip a coin. Not—
Copy !req
423. Not even a thought, right?
They're like, "No, no..."
Copy !req
424. I was like, "Yeah. All right."
Copy !req
425. And so, I'm sitting there very angry.
I'm stewing.
Copy !req
426. Like, "I waited a fucking hour
and 15 minutes
Copy !req
427. to go on this fucking shit with you guys,
and you fucking bail on me."
Copy !req
428. Then I see it happens to some other dad
from Oklahoma, and he's muttering.
Copy !req
429. He's like, "Goddamn motherfucker...
They're mean as shit.
Copy !req
430. And I'm like, "Yeah, yeah."
Copy !req
431. And then I say to the other dad,
Copy !req
432. I go, "You want fucking me and you
to go on it together?
Copy !req
433. And he's like, "What?"
I go, "Well, I'm not going alone.
Copy !req
434. Let's fucking do this shit.
I'll go with you."
Copy !req
435. And he's like,
"Yeah, whatever the fuck you want."
Copy !req
436. And so...
Copy !req
437. So I get on the roller coaster
with the guy
Copy !req
438. and we're both not talking to each other.
Copy !req
439. The roller coaster takes off,
Copy !req
440. and you know how they take off
so fucking fast...
Copy !req
441. that both our necks snap back,
and we look at each other.
Copy !req
442. And he's like "Ooh, that got me."
Copy !req
443. I was like, "Oh, yeah,
that was fucked up, man."
Copy !req
444. We start laughing a little bit.
Copy !req
445. And we're fucking
all of a sudden loosening up.
Copy !req
446. And we're fucking doing all the— jetting,
banging into these fucking crazy turns.
Copy !req
447. I'm fucking leaning,
100% leaning on the guy.
Copy !req
448. He's looking at me like, "What the fuck?"
I was like, "Hey, here we are."
Copy !req
449. And we're laughing our asses off.
Copy !req
450. And I'm like, "Holy shit, I haven't been
this happy in at least 11 years.
Copy !req
451. I know that, but whatever,
I'm fucking... jetting around,
Copy !req
452. fucking doing loop-the-loops.
Copy !req
453. He's fucking bumping my first.
Copy !req
454. I'm like, "Yeah, motherfucker."
He's like, "Yeah, baby."
Copy !req
455. We get to the end. The fucking—
Copy !req
456. You know how the break
comes out of nowhere.
Copy !req
457. It fucking screeches on,
both our fucking heads snap again.
Copy !req
458. He's like, "They got us again.
I was like, "Fuck yeah, we'll never learn.
Copy !req
459. So, uh, we're creeping up
to, you know, getting off the ride,
Copy !req
460. how it's like a little slow at exit,
Copy !req
461. and we're sitting there,
and I'm fucking...
Copy !req
462. I feel this crazy pain in my heart,
Copy !req
463. and I'm like, "Did I fucking fall in love
with this guy or some shit?
Copy !req
464. What happened?
Copy !req
465. And he's not looking at me.
I'm like this guy feels it too,
Copy !req
466. 'cause he's in a fucking daze.
We're both—
Copy !req
467. And my kids are like,
"Come on, let's go to Peter Pan."
Copy !req
468. I was like, "All right, in a minute." I'm yelling at the kids too loud.
Copy !req
469. "I've got to say goodbye to the man."
Copy !req
470. And, uh...
Copy !req
471. I get off. I go, "Hey, nice to meet you."
Copy !req
472. He's like, "Yeah, nice to meet you."
Copy !req
473. He won't look at me,
and we're both all fucked up.
Copy !req
474. He goes back to his family,
I go back to mine.
Copy !req
475. I'm walking away.
Copy !req
476. In my head, I'm like, "I'm never gonna see
that fucking guy again,
Copy !req
477. and I don't feel good about that.
Copy !req
478. Um...
Copy !req
479. And then I...
Copy !req
480. And then I go...
Copy !req
481. "They take your picture though...
Copy !req
482. on those rides.
Copy !req
483. You know, just for memory's sake.
Copy !req
484. Just, what the fuck, I'm gonna go see,
maybe they snapped us, maybe they didn't.
Copy !req
485. But if they did... why not?
Fuck it, you know. Let's just see."
Copy !req
486. And so, we... We go to the, uh—
Copy !req
487. I go to that place
where there's the fucking monitor up.
Copy !req
488. Sure enough, there's a picture
of me and the guy,
Copy !req
489. upside down, in the loop-the-loop...
Copy !req
490. staring so deep into each other's eyes.
Copy !req
491. It was fucking bananas.
Copy !req
492. I was like, "Okay, he felt it.
He definitely felt it too."
Copy !req
493. So, I say to the lady behind the counter,
"Hey, how much is that?"
Copy !req
494. And the lady goes, "Sixty-five dollars."
Copy !req
495. I was like, "Oh. Okay."
Copy !req
496. And then I take my phone out,
and I fucking snap a shot of it.
Copy !req
497. And then I feel this energy behind me.
Copy !req
498. I look back, and it's the guy
from Oklahoma.
Copy !req
499. He's holding the picture he just bought.
Copy !req
500. And he was like, "I wasn't worth it?"
Copy !req
501. So, anyways...
Copy !req
502. If that man is watching
my Netflix special right now,
Copy !req
503. I think of you a lot, sir.
Copy !req
504. I think of you a lot.
Copy !req
505. All right, Milwaukee,
let's fucking do this shit. Here we go.
Copy !req
506. Fuck.
Copy !req
507. Okay.
Copy !req
508. I'm gonna do my first mic drop.
Copy !req
509. Yeah.
Copy !req
510. Yeah.
Copy !req
511. You just got Sandoozled.
Copy !req
512. Yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
513. Sweet, sweet, sweet.
Copy !req
514. That was a good ending.
Copy !req
515. - Thank you.
Copy !req
516. Whoa, what the fuck is that? What is that? Oh, shit, you scared me with that one.
Copy !req
517. Give me a second.
Copy !req
518. Wait, okay. Okay, here we go.
Copy !req
519. This one's fun.
Copy !req
520. Yeah.
Copy !req
521. Oh my.
Copy !req
522. That's some smokey shit.
Copy !req
523. This is not from us.
There is a fucking fire.
Copy !req
524. Let's get the fuck out of here. Quick.
Copy !req
525. No, I'm just joking.
Don't— don't bail on me.
Copy !req
526. - Is that going into your mouth?
Copy !req
527. That's— Yeah, that's—
Copy !req
528. That's what she said. Yes. Very good.
- That was fun.
Copy !req
529. Really good.
Copy !req
530. I liked that.
Copy !req
531. Yes, those UFC guys,
they are built pretty fucking good.
Copy !req
532. I can't stand...
Copy !req
533. That's the only reason I don't watch.
I get so angry
Copy !req
534. at how fucking chiselled
these fucking guys are.
Copy !req
535. I go to the gym, of course,
but I just go to pick my wife up.
Copy !req
536. I'm always like, "Hey, how was that?
How'd it go in there?"
Copy !req
537. She's like, "You've got to come in."
I'm like, "Yeah, definitely."
Copy !req
538. I got old enough now
that I don't take my shirt off anymore.
Copy !req
539. I'm 51, 51 years old.
Copy !req
540. So, I don't take my shirt off anymore
Copy !req
541. when I go swimming
at, like, a hotel pool with my kids.
Copy !req
542. I keep my fucking shirt on.
Copy !req
543. I'm swimming,
and everyone's pointing and stuff,
Copy !req
544. and like this lifeguard was yelling at me.
Copy !req
545. "You can't do that."
I'm like, "What the fuck is...
Copy !req
546. I'm humiliated, buddy. I just don't want
to take my fucking shirt off."
Copy !req
547. He's like, "No, you've got to wear
a bathing suit, your dick is out."
Copy !req
548. I'm like, "Oh, okay.
Copy !req
549. Oh, this is, uh...
one of the fancy Howard Johnson's.
Copy !req
550. I got you.
Copy !req
551. Fuck. Sorry, man."
Copy !req
552. The guys over 50 know
what I'm talking about.
Copy !req
553. The testicles do get bigger and bigger
as you get older.
Copy !req
554. They hang lower
and whatever the fuck happens...
Copy !req
555. You know, you've seen it
at the YMCA your whole life,
Copy !req
556. the older men with the giant balls,
Copy !req
557. and you're always wondering
Copy !req
558. why they're so free and happy, fucking...
Copy !req
559. Those are like the 85-year-old guys.
Copy !req
560. They don't give a fuck.
They just swing it... and whatever.
Copy !req
561. They don't even think
of throwing a towel on.
Copy !req
562. They're just like, "This is it.
I only got a few years left.
Copy !req
563. I want— You should remember me how I am,
Copy !req
564. with these giant..." My balls are not that big,
Copy !req
565. but they still don't make sense
on my body.
Copy !req
566. My dick literally looks
like it's sitting in a bean bag chair.
Copy !req
567. Yeah, it's so comfortable.
My dick never...
Copy !req
568. it never wants to leave the balls.
Copy !req
569. It's always just resting.
Copy !req
570. So nice, like, "I love you guys.
You're my best friends."
Copy !req
571. The new giant balls get me into trouble
with my wife now,
Copy !req
572. because we're both not used to them.
Copy !req
573. I'm behind her doing my thing,
what you do when you're behind your wife.
Copy !req
574. And I'll hear, "Hey, hey, no spanking."
Copy !req
575. I'm like, "That wasn't me.
That was— That was those guys, babe."
Copy !req
576. And she's like, "Oh...
Copy !req
577. Oh, you got me again."
Copy !req
578. Okay, this is for the people
who either live together
Copy !req
579. or have been married for awhile.
Copy !req
580. Okay? This is for you.
Copy !req
581. - Thank you.
Copy !req
582. Yo, Sandman,
what's your favorite vegetable?
Copy !req
583. Ah-ha, we get it.
Copy !req
584. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
585. Yeah.
Copy !req
586. Get up! Oh, everybody in the fucking arena
go fucking mental!
Copy !req
587. Thank you.
Copy !req
588. The vagina fart
Copy !req
589. has been around a long time, girls.
Copy !req
590. No problem. It's fun.
Copy !req
591. The vagina fart, girls, I gotta say
still gets you every time.
Copy !req
592. Everybody. Every fellow here
enjoys them so much.
Copy !req
593. Just keep them coming, girls.
Copy !req
594. It just provides entertainment
in the bedroom.
Copy !req
595. Guys do not say nothing about it.
Copy !req
596. Guys will fucking ignore it every time.
Copy !req
597. Just because, you know,
if you comment on it, it's fucking over.
Copy !req
598. You're getting up and leaving
and that's it.
Copy !req
599. So you're like, "Okay, whatever the fuck
that was, let's keep...
Copy !req
600. Let's keep going forward."
Copy !req
601. I have been face-to-face
with the vagina fart.
Copy !req
602. I've been tagged pretty hard
by my wife right there.
Copy !req
603. I don't say shit.
Copy !req
604. You know, I might go like, "Uh."
Copy !req
605. I might give her one of those.
Copy !req
606. Hey, now.
Copy !req
607. But I always get right back in there
and finish off when I started.
Copy !req
608. You know, if my wife hits me
with like four or five of them in a row,
Copy !req
609. I might say, "I think you've got to do
some fucking jumping jacks or some shit.
Copy !req
610. You know, get a Q-Tip,
Copy !req
611. fucking pop that...
Copy !req
612. You got— Something's wrong.
Something's going on with you.
Copy !req
613. But when you come back,
I'll fucking finish you good.
Copy !req
614. I promise you.
Copy !req
615. If it was reversed...
Copy !req
616. let me just say...
the girls would not be as sweet to us.
Copy !req
617. If there was a dick fart,
if there was such a—
Copy !req
618. There's no dick fart,
but if there was a dick fart...
Copy !req
619. And it would be nothing.
It's such a little hole.
Copy !req
620. The sound would be nothing.
Copy !req
621. Your vaginas literally are like
Copy !req
622. acoustically fucking made
to blast out a boomer.
Copy !req
623. And— And we're just like, "All right,
let's play it off like it didn't happen."
Copy !req
624. With a dick fart, you'd be like—
At the most, it would sound like...
Copy !req
625. And you'd be like,
"Whoa, what the fuck is that?"
Copy !req
626. "I'm nervous. I don't know.
Copy !req
627. You don't think that's cute?
Copy !req
628. It sounds like a little Disney character.
Copy !req
629. Cinderelly."I'm leaving!"
Copy !req
630. We'd have to play it off
like it didn't happen.
Copy !req
631. Like, "No, I think the tea's ready.
Copy !req
632. My wife, one time, hit me in the face
with a combo platter.
Copy !req
633. She hit me with the vagina to the mouth...
Copy !req
634. Up high.
Copy !req
635. At the very same time,
hit me in the neck with the other...
Copy !req
636. the, uh...
Copy !req
637. She came up high and down low
at the very same time.
Copy !req
638. I fucking don't know what happened.
One time in 20 years.
Copy !req
639. Just fucking bam, in the face,
one in the neck.
Copy !req
640. Fucking hit me hard,
it was like the perfect storm.
Copy !req
641. We don't know
what she was eating that day,
Copy !req
642. but whatever the fuck it was,
Copy !req
643. she got me good.
Copy !req
644. I've got to say, it literally felt like
Copy !req
645. somebody opened the door
on a fucking airplane.
Copy !req
646. It was like, "Whoa!"
Copy !req
647. There was debris in the air and fucking...
Copy !req
648. Other passengers were floating
through my fucking room.
Copy !req
649. Oxygen masks dropped down.
You know, I was...
Copy !req
650. But I fucking took it like...
Copy !req
651. I did wish someone else saw it.
That was fucking incredible.
Copy !req
652. And then I hear the ghost go,
"I saw that shit. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
653. It fucking blew the ruler out of my hand."
Copy !req
654. So I tell my wife recently
I would love to try anal.
Copy !req
655. And I say to my wife,
"Hey, I would love to try anal."
Copy !req
656. And she goes, "Oh, I wouldn't."
Copy !req
657. And then I say, "Oh."
Copy !req
658. I said, "But I would."
Copy !req
659. And she goes, "Yeah, I know. I heard."
Copy !req
660. And then I said, "Okay, so let's..."
Copy !req
661. I really think we should.
Copy !req
662. She goes, "I'm just not into that."
Copy !req
663. And then I said, "You know, what?
Copy !req
664. I love you.
Copy !req
665. I'm gonna be with you
for the rest of my life.
Copy !req
666. I've been with you 20 years.
Copy !req
667. I've never cheated on you.
I never will cheat on you.
Copy !req
668. - It's you and me against the world, baby.
Copy !req
669. And, uh... I really—
I got nowhere else to get this anal.
Copy !req
670. - So...
Copy !req
671. I was like, "You've got
to fucking help me out.
Copy !req
672. It's a fantasy. Please?"
Copy !req
673. And, uh...
Copy !req
674. And she was nice. She said okay.
Copy !req
675. And so, on my birthday, she gave it up.
Copy !req
676. She gave it to me,
and she said she liked it.
Copy !req
677. She said it was fun
Copy !req
678. and she couldn't believe
she fit her whole fist inside me...
Copy !req
679. - And so— I don't know.
Copy !req
680. I said, "You see? New experiences."
Copy !req
681. She's a good girl. That's my baby.
Copy !req
682. That's my baby.
Copy !req
683. Oh, Sandman.
Copy !req
684. That's too much.
Copy !req
685. Ladies and gentlemen... Yuri.
Copy !req
686. Hello, people of Earth.
Copy !req
687. Yes.
Copy !req
688. Absolutely.
Copy !req
689. Remember?
Copy !req
690. Yes, yes.
Copy !req
691. Go! Go back! Go back to space!
Copy !req
692. Get out of here!
Copy !req
693. Take him away!
Copy !req
694. What are you doing?
Copy !req
695. Help him.
Copy !req
696. All right, guys, gonna do this one.
Copy !req
697. This is a very special song.
I hope you like it.
Copy !req
698. It means a lot to us. Here we go.
Copy !req
699. I love you, Sandman!
Copy !req
700. By far the funniest fucking guy
of all time,
Copy !req
701. the Farls, man.
Copy !req
702. Yeah, baby, so thank you.
Copy !req
703. I couldn't wait to sing that to you guys,
and I knew it would be special here.
Copy !req
704. And thank you.
Copy !req
705. He was the best. He was the best.
Copy !req
706. Okay, you guys,
I'm gonna sing you this song right now.
Copy !req
707. This is the kind of a sweet song.
Copy !req
708. I sing it to my wife, because she lets me
talk about so many things
Copy !req
709. in front of you people.
Copy !req
710. And she doesn't even get mad at me.
Copy !req
711. She's pretty damn cool.
So here we go.
Copy !req
712. And this goes for all of you guys
here tonight.
Copy !req
713. All right, you all, thank you so much.
Copy !req
714. Respect!
Copy !req
715. Rock and roll. I love you too.
Copy !req
716. Let's do it again sometime.
Copy !req
717. Thank you. Thank you.
Copy !req
718. Well, folks, I've been given the light
and I must go. But thank you very much.
Copy !req
719. Enjoy the rest of the show.
Copy !req
720. I got— Go ahead.
- Why did the chicken cross the road?
Copy !req
721. Why did the chicken
cross the road? Why?
Copy !req
722. Because he wanted to get
some diarrhea to eat for breakfast.
Copy !req
723. Okay, your turn.
Copy !req
724. Hey, Dad. Hey, just so you know.
Don't forget, I'm Sadie.
Copy !req
725. Ah-ha. Go ahead, Sunny.
Copy !req
726. Why did the M&M walk away from me?
Copy !req
727. Why?
Copy !req
728. Because it wanted
to go pee on my dress.
Copy !req