Adam Sandler: 100% Fresh (2018)

1. Okay, ready, and...

2. Take your own cue, Adam. And action, Dan!

3. Fuck those cars. You should...

4. I have one. I have an electric car.

5. But at least I have the decency when I'm driving,

6. to put my head out the window and go, "Here comes the Sandman."

7. "Sandman coming. Watch out."

8. How about those Tesla's now driving themselves?

9. Those Teslas, that's pretty cool.

10. They can drive themselves. Holy shit, man.

11. I got in an accident with a Tesla and nobody was in there,

12. and I didn't know who to exchange the information with...

13. and I started screaming, "Hey, you fucker. What the fuck?"

14. And the Tesla's, you know, fucking windshield wipers are flappin' about.

15. And I was like, "What the fuck does that mean? You did it."

16. And its fucking lights are going on and off.

17. Like it's saying, "Okay. All right." And, uh...

18. Then we go to court

19. and I'm like, "I'm going to fucking destroy this thing."

20. And then the Tesla shows up in a neck brace,

21. and I say, "Oh, give me a fucking break.

22. What a liar. He's a fucking liar."

23. You ever go over to somebody's house

24. and, uh...

25. you ring the doorbell and the guy answers, and he says, "Hey, take your shoes off"?

26. And then you go, "Oh, God. Okay."

27. And then he goes, "Hey, take your socks off."

28. And you're like, "Take my socks off?"

29. And then he goes, "Roll up your pants." You're like, "Roll my pants up?"

30. He puts some grapes down, and goes, "Start stomping the grapes."

31. You're like, "What the fuck are we doing?" He's like, "Making the wine!"

32. "You make me the wine."

33. My wife's always putting lotion on my face.

34. Don't you put a lot of lotion on your face out here in LA?

35. My wife fucking really lathers on the lotion.

36. She always says she's looking out for me.

37. She just puts a lot of lotion. Like, there's too much.

38. Doesn't rub it in either.

39. She just puts it on my forehead, my cheeks, my nose...

40. Then I found out, before me,

41. my wife used to date a lemon meringue pie.

42. And I was like...

43. She still likes him. She still likes him. I know she does.

44. I don't give a shit.

45. My father used to shave...

46. My dad had a beard,

47. and then, literally, every ten years would shave his beard.

48. Like, didn't ask us, just fucking came out of nowhere, shaved.

49. It was... Any time my father shaved his beard,

50. it was the only time you saw him look vulnerable.

51. When he first came out of the bathroom, he was like...

52. I was like, "Dad has dimples?" I didn't know Dad had dimples."

53. "It'll grow back."

54. Why'd you do it?

55. "I don't know.

56. It was...

57. It was itchy."

58. "It's been itchy for ten fucking years?"

59. I went to my friend's house and he had a heated toilet seat.

60. I sat on his heated toilet seat. I've got to say it made you relax.

61. I went a lot better than I usually go.

62. I came out and said, "I like that heated toilet seat. Where'd you get that?"

63. He goes, "I don't have a heated toilet seat."

64. You ever walking down the street and you say hi to a baby?

65. And, uh...

66. And the baby goes...

67. And you're going, "Yeah, that's great."

68. And then... And the mother goes, "He can say 'hi' back."

69. And you go, "Oh, yeah?" And the kid goes...

70. You go, "There it is."

71. Then mother goes, "No, he really can say it."

72. And the kid goes...

73. And you go, "Hey, that was great."

74. The mother goes, "No, he really can say it."

75. And the kid goes...

76. And you go, "There it is. That was it, right?"

77. And the mother's like, "No! Say it. Say hi."

78. And the kid's like...

79. And... And then the mother's like, "What the fuck? Say it!

80. You said it earlier!"

81. And the kid's like...

82. And you're like, "Hey, that was a full sentence. That's better than 'Hi'."

83. And the mother's like, "What the...? I'm so mad at you, baby!"

84. And then she like hands you the baby and is like, "I've got to walk this off.

85. This is very discouraging for me.

86. He said it earlier!"

87. And you're holding the baby, like...

88. "Say it. Go ahead and say it. Say, 'Hi'.

89. Come on, you really upset your mother."

90. And the kid's looking at you...

91. And you're like, "Come on, get it out." It's gonna make her feel better.

92. And the kid's like... And you're like, "You can do it. Come on."

93. And the kid's like...

94. "Help me.

95. She... She...

96. She won't let me get vaccinated."

97. Come on, there's no proof that that's good or bad yet.

98. "I've been getting sick a lot."

99. Wait, what day is it?

100. Shit.

101. The trial was last week.

102. And he got the chair?

103. My wife and I, we fool around pretty hardcore.

104. We go at a pretty good. It's fun.

105. You know, it's nice. We love each other, and we fucking go pretty hard and...

106. It gets crazy. It gets pretty fucking nuts in there

107. because it's only me and her, nobody else.

108. So, we're like, "Let's fucking... Let's do it all," you know?

109. We do, uh... We do have a safe word.

110. It's, "Really?"

111. My whole life, I always wanted to be able to do a flip.

112. Wouldn't that be great?

113. I was always growing up, going, "Man, I've got to get a flip going.

114. Everybody will love me if I could just do a flip."

115. Everybody would be like, "Whoa, did you see the Sandman?

116. He popped out a flip."

117. I just wanted to be in a fucking Marshalls or something,

118. buying some cheap clothes and going, "Hey, watch this."

119. Pop a flip and have the fucking lady at the cash register go,

120. "Did you fucking see that kid with the flip?"

121. I'd be like. "Hey, I do it all the time."

122. But I never got that one down, man. I wish I did.

123. Always I was like... I didn't know how to fucking practice.

124. That was the problem.

125. I didn't know how to do my first try. I would always get to right about here,

126. and then go, "Ah, I don't know. I'm gonna get hurt."

127. And when I got older, I wanted to learn how to speak fluent Italian too.

128. And I did that. I mastered that.

129. So, I'm in Italy, and I meet the Pope himself,

130. and in fluent Italian, I say to him,

131. "Hey, I love what you've done for the Church.

132. I love what you you're doing for the world.

133. America says, 'Hello.'

134. Um...

135. Am I getting into heaven?"

136. And in Italian he says, "Can you do a flip?"

137. And I was like, "Madonne!"

138. Shit.

139. Did you ever have a friend who rescues too many animals

140. and, like, never can do anything?

141. "Hey, you want to go out in a couple days?"

142. "Ah, no, my chicken's eye fell out

143. and I've got to paste it back on."

144. "Oh, okay. That shouldn't take that long."

145. "Well, one of the ducks, she isn't quacking, so...

146. I've got to look...

147. I've got to look into that."

148. Okay.

149. Dling!

150. By the way, I never met this man.

151. Uh, this one is kind of a Bee Gee-esque tune.

152. Kind of a... You like the Bee Gees out there?

153. I always liked the Bee Gees.

154. Thank you.

155. Oh, yes.

156. - What the hell happened? - I fucked it up.

157. No! You don't just start over!

158. You apologize to me!

159. You don't just do that to the Sandman!

160. Okay.

161. Let's start again. We'll cut around it.

162. Not yet!

163. Hit it!

164. Hoo!

165. Yes, yes, yes.

166. I fucked up. All right, sorry.

167. Fuck that shit!

168. The Sandman don't fuck up.

169. Ooh, from the top.

170. Let me hear you.

171. Let's go.

172. Thank you.

173. Yeah, okay, we did that again. I think that was better than the first time.

174. Do you? Yes, yes. Absolutely.

175. Okay, here comes a song.

176. More dancing.

177. Yes, sir.

178. Here we go, here we go, here we go.

179. Should we clap along?

180. All right, let's lose that. I hate it.

181. Sorry.

182. You were right on it.

183. It's a thing of mine, man. I don't fucking like that shit.

184. It was startling me.

185. No!

186. Thank you. Thank you.

187. I'm a triple threat though. You didn't know I could dance that fucking good.

188. Took many lessons growing up, man.

189. The hula... The hula hoop.

190. Hula hoop, by the way, is very horny looking.

191. When I'm at my fucking kids' birthday parties

192. and some kid gives me a hula hoop

193. and I'm doing it, I feel so fucking gross. I'm going...

194. You see other parents like, "What the fuck?"

195. Do you ever play miniature golf with your daughter

196. and you're tied on the 18th hole?

197. And in the middle of her backswing,

198. you just say, "Hey, I tea-bagged your mother this morning."

199. And then...

200. And then the kid sinks the putt and goes, "Yeah, I know, I saw."

201. And you're like, "This kid stays concentrated."

202. She's fucking good. She's got focus. She could be somebody.

203. Are there married folks out there tonight?

204. Married folks.

205. I love it. Okay, this is for you guys.

206. Thank you.

207. Marriage is good, guys.

208. Marriage is good.

209. You'll like it one day if you're not married.

210. You just got to keep it mysterious. You got to keep the mystery alive.

211. Like, my wife has no idea where I go for weeks at a time.

212. - It's fucking... It's a big mystery. - You tell her where you are tonight?

213. Yeah, she knows I'm here.

214. My kids don't.

215. I just said I was going downstairs to get an apple.

216. I always get these emails from the kids' school that I've got to come in.

217. "It's Terrific Tuesday...

218. Make sure you come in."

219. And you're like, Terrific... What the fuck is Terrific Tuesday?

220. Well, you come by the school

221. and you tell the kids how terrific they are.

222. And I'm like, "Okay, Thirsty Thursday."

223. It's Thirsty Thursday. Come by.

224. You know, you help the kids fill their water bottles.

225. I'm like, my father literally came to school

226. one fucking time my whole school career.

227. He opened the door in the middle of a fucking test,

228. and I hear, "Where'd you put the rake?

229. I'm like, "What?"

230. "You put it on the nail?"

231. - "I think I did." - "You think?

232. "It's not there."

233. - "Okay." - "It's not okay."

234. "I'll get it for you after school."

235. "No, you'll get it now!"

236. Okay, here we go.

237. There he is!

238. Joking.

239. He's not. Leave him alone. Get the fucking lights off of him.

240. He seems like a decent man.

241. Sorry.

242. Hello.

243. You ever...

244. How about the times you wake up...

245. Ever wake up like 4:30 in the morning

246. and you're like, "God damn it. What am I doing up right now?"

247. 4:30, can't fall asleep...

248. I'm fucking ruined for the day.

249. Ever do one of those things where you go, "Let me just get out of bed,"

250. and live like those people who always go, "Hey, I get up at 4:30 every day.

251. I do that for me. That's me time.

252. I spend the morning alone.

253. That's my time and it's the best. It sets me in the right mood."

254. You're like, "Let me be one of those fucking pricks.

255. I'll get up at 4:30."

256. And you get up at 4:30 and you make yourself breakfast.

257. You're like, "Wow, this is good. making breakfast. I never do that."

258. And then you work out.

259. You're like, "I'm working out this early.

260. Holy shit. That's out of the way. That's great."

261. And then you have yourself another breakfast.

262. You're like, "Okay, I'm running out of shit to do."

263. And then you flip on the news and you go, "There's news before the news?

264. Who the fuck are these people?

265. They're very good. They should be on the real news."

266. Then you go outside and you see a bird eating a worm.

267. You're like, "Is that the fucking early bird?

268. I've been hearing about that thing for a long time."

269. There he is. Holy shit."

270. Then a bus shows up, and your kids get on it.

271. You're like, "That's how they fucking get to school. Nobody fucking told me...

272. What a day. This is interesting."

273. And then it's around 11 o'clock and you're in the middle of a work meeting

274. and you're like, "How long is this fucking day gonna go for?

275. Let me sleep!"

276. My wife's grandmother turned... she turned 101 years old,

277. which is nice, 101 years old.

278. That's good for the family,

279. you know, good to have that in your genes.

280. My daughter's got that great life.

281. My family, we fucking die...

282. I should be dead is all I'm saying. It makes no sense that I'm here right now.

283. But 101 years old...

284. I went to her birthday, I gave her 101 punches in the shoulder...

285. Just, she kept going, "Ooh."

286. And I was saying, "It's tradition. We can't break tradition, Grandma."

287. She was like, "I want to break tradition."

288. I was like, "Well, you can't. So, just fucking deal with 94 more."

289. And bam. "Oh!"

290. What's going on? You getting this camera all set?

291. Don't get hurt.

292. That's a heavy fucking piece of machinery.

293. It's blocking you good.

294. You okay? You got your beer. That's a big fucking beer, man.

295. Way to go. You get loose.

296. I dedicate this song to the fucking drunk guy right there.

297. Here we go.

298. Yeah.

299. Shoop!

300. I love you!

301. Thank you!

302. That was fun.

303. Are you ever wiping yourself, uh, back there...

304. You're wiping up pretty good, and then you keep wiping.

305. And then you've really... you've got to keep wiping.

306. And you wipe again, and then you wipe another one.

307. Then you go, "You know what?

308. Just out of principal, I'm stopping after this next one.

309. It's fucking enough already.

310. I don't care if I'm done or not. This is fucking killing me.

311. Whatever happens happens.

312. Get me the fuck out of here.

313. I did my first dick pic, everybody.

314. Thank you.

315. A dick pick is... that's a weird thing to do.

316. There's no reason for me to do it. I'm fucking married.

317. But all my friends are doing them, so I'm like, "What the fuck, let me just...

318. at least I can be part of the conversation

319. when they're talking about their dick pics.

320. I can go, "Oh, yes, definitely." You know?

321. So, I do my first dick pick.

322. I look back at it.

323. There's a ghost in the background.

324. So there's a ghost in the image,

325. and I'm like, "I live in fucking haunted house?"

326. I had no idea. I want to show everybody...

327. 'cause...

328. what are the chances of catching that?

329. But my dick doesn't look...

330. as good as I want it to look in the image.

331. Plus, you know, the fucking ghost was really tall,

332. so he made my dick not look... exact.

333. Plus the fucking ghost was holding a ruler next to my dick.

334. I was like, "What the fuck is your problem?" to the ghost.

335. He was like...

336. The ghost was like, "I live here too. I like to have fun."

337. All right, I'm gonna play guitar a little bit for you.

338. You love your kids more than anything on the planet until like 9:30 at night.

339. And then you're like, "Okay... that's enough.

340. I loved you all day long. Just give me a little break.

341. I answered all your crazy questions.

342. I don't even know... I know nothing.

343. That does not fucking help when you have to answer your kid.

344. I've got to make up every goddamn answer.

345. "Are whales smart, Daddy?"

346. "Well, you know, they're more street smart than book smart, but..."

347. I don't fucking know anything about whales.

348. My daughter plays basketball, my nine year old.

349. So, I go and see her play basketball, and she's a sweetheart of a kid.

350. And every time they put the kid in the game, I get so excited.

351. I take my video camera out,

352. and I fucking video everything she does.

353. And so, a couple Sundays ago, I'm videoing my daughter

354. and another dad goes,

355. "Hey, can you email me that when you're done?"

356. And I go, "Yeah, absolutely, dude.

357. And then I'm videoing my kid and then I remembered.

358. Actually, when I video my kid, I say a lot of things, and...

359. It's always not stuff I want other people to hear.

360. And I'm always like, "Okay, you got it, you little cutie.

361. You've got the ball. You're so good. Look how good you are.

362. You take the ball. Pass it to my kid. Somebody pass it to my kid.

363. I'll get a break your fucking neck, I swear to God.

364. Give that fucking ball to my fucking kid. You all suck out there."

365. And I was like, "I better not email that to that man there.

366. So I just emailed him the ghost/dick pic thing.

367. The guy was like, "What the fuck's with the ruler?"

368. I go, "Yeah, the ghost was an asshole. Fuck that guy."

369. "I'm with you."

370. My little sweet daughter...

371. the sixth grader,

372. she comes back from school and she's like,

373. "All the boys keep saying, 'That's what she said...'

374. and then they all laugh."

375. - "Why Daddy?" - And I was like, "Oh, boy."

376. "Yeah, it seems like anything I say,

377. they say, 'That's what she said.'

378. They look at each other, and they just laugh and laugh.

379. And I'm confused. Help me Dad-da."

380. And so, I'm like, "Okay, how do I explain this to her?"

381. And I'm trying to just figure out, you know, the right way to do it,

382. in a clean way, no cursing.

383. And I'm just going, "Uh... uh... uh... uh, well, it's a..."

384. And then my kid goes,

385. "That's okay, Daddy. You tried your best."

386. And I was like, "That's what she said."

387. All right, let's do this.

388. That's not true. None of that... None of this fucking story...

389. All this is a lie. All right.

390. Come on.

391. You know you would fucking go to that ice cream place all the time.

392. Oh, Sandman.

393. That's too much.

394. Okay.

395. Just getting ready.

396. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

397. Yeah.

398. Thank you.

399. Thank you. Thank you.

400. Thank you.

401. Ahh.

402. Grandma!

403. What the fuck was that?

404. After every joke...

405. This is one that we don't play that much

406. But, uh... but I figured it's fucking Jersey.

407. I think you guys might enjoy this. So here we go.

408. Very nice, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.

409. So I'll tell you a little story about Disney World.

410. You want to hear a true Adam Sandler Story?

411. Please, I can... Okay.

412. So you guys have been to Disney World, right?

413. The families have been there.

414. Who doesn't have kids and still goes to Disney World?

415. You fucking stoners.

416. I'm on to you.

417. All right, so I go to Disney World recently

418. with my wife and the two kids.

419. My kids wanted to go on this roller coaster.

420. They were very excited. So, we wait on the line.

421. We're waiting. You know the lines are very long.

422. So, it takes like an hour and 15 minutes.

423. We get to the front of the line,

424. and then the roller coaster, we find out, only takes three people at a time.

425. So, there's four of us.

426. And I see my wife and the two kids

427. just immediately start walking to the thing.

428. And I was like, we're not even gonna flip a coin. Not...

429. Not even a thought, right? They're like, "No, no..."

430. I was like, "Yeah. All right."

431. And so, I'm sitting there very angry. I'm stewing.

432. Like, "I waited a fucking hour and 15 minutes

433. to go on this fucking shit with you guys, and you fucking bail on me."

434. Then I see it happens to some other dad from Oklahoma, and he's muttering.

435. He's like, "Goddamn motherfucker... They're mean as shit.

436. And I'm like, "Yeah, yeah."

437. And then I say to the other dad,

438. I go, "You want fucking me and you to go on it together?

439. And he's like, "What?" I go, "Well, I'm not going alone.

440. Let's fucking do this shit. I'll go with you."

441. And he's like, "Yeah, whatever the fuck you want."

442. And so...

443. So I get on the roller coaster with the guy

444. and we're both not talking to each other.

445. The roller coaster takes off,

446. and you know how they take off so fucking fast...

447. that both our necks snap back, and we look at each other.

448. And he's like "Ooh, that got me."

449. I was like, "Oh, yeah, that was fucked up, man."

450. We start laughing a little bit.

451. And we're fucking all of a sudden loosening up.

452. And we're fucking doing all the... jetting, banging into these fucking crazy turns.

453. I'm fucking leaning, 100% leaning on the guy.

454. He's looking at me like, "What the fuck?" I was like, "Hey, here we are."

455. And we're laughing our asses off.

456. And I'm like, "Holy shit, I haven't been this happy in at least 11 years.

457. I know that, but whatever, I'm fucking... jetting around,

458. fucking doing loop-the-loops.

459. He's fucking bumping my first.

460. I'm like, "Yeah, motherfucker." He's like, "Yeah, baby."

461. We get to the end. The fucking...

462. You know how the break comes out of nowhere.

463. It fucking screeches on, both our fucking heads snap again.

464. He's like, "They got us again. I was like, "Fuck yeah, we'll never learn.

465. So, uh, we're creeping up to, you know, getting off the ride,

466. how it's like a little slow at exit,

467. and we're sitting there, and I'm fucking...

468. I feel this crazy pain in my heart,

469. and I'm like, "Did I fucking fall in love with this guy or some shit?

470. What happened?

471. And he's not looking at me. I'm like this guy feels it too,

472. 'cause he's in a fucking daze. We're both...

473. And my kids are like, "Come on, let's go to Peter Pan."

474. I was like, "All right, in a minute."

475. I'm yelling at the kids too loud.

476. "I've got to say goodbye to the man."

477. And, uh...

478. I get off. I go, "Hey, nice to meet you."

479. He's like, "Yeah, nice to meet you."

480. He won't look at me, and we're both all fucked up.

481. He goes back to his family, I go back to mine.

482. I'm walking away.

483. In my head, I'm like, "I'm never gonna see that fucking guy again,

484. and I don't feel good about that.

485. Um...

486. And then I...

487. And then I go...

488. "They take your picture though...

489. on those rides.

490. You know, just for memory's sake.

491. Just, what the fuck, I'm gonna go see, maybe they snapped us, maybe they didn't.

492. But if they did... why not? Fuck it, you know. Let's just see."

493. And so, we...

494. We go to the, uh...

495. I go to that place where there's the fucking monitor up.

496. Sure enough, there's a picture of me and the guy,

497. upside down, in the loop-the-loop...

498. staring so deep into each other's eyes.

499. It was fucking bananas.

500. I was like, "Okay, he felt it. He definitely felt it too."

501. So, I say to the lady behind the counter, "Hey, how much is that?"

502. And the lady goes, "Sixty-five dollars."

503. I was like, "Oh. Okay."

504. And then I take my phone out, and I fucking snap a shot of it.

505. And then I feel this energy behind me.

506. I look back, and it's the guy from Oklahoma.

507. He's holding the picture he just bought.

508. And he was like, "I wasn't worth it?"

509. So, anyways...

510. If that man is watching my Netflix special right now,

511. I think of you a lot, sir.

512. I think of you a lot.

513. All right, Milwaukee, let's fucking do this shit. Here we go.

514. Fuck.

515. Okay.

516. I'm gonna do my first mic drop.

517. Yeah.

518. Yeah.

519. You just got Sandoozled.

520. Yeah, yeah.

521. Sweet, sweet, sweet.

522. That was a good ending.

523. Thank you.

524. Whoa, what the fuck is that? What is that?

525. Oh, shit, you scared me with that one.

526. Give me a second.

527. Wait, okay. Okay, here we go.

528. This one's fun.

529. Yeah.

530. Oh my.

531. That's some smokey shit.

532. This is not from us. There is a fucking fire.

533. Let's get the fuck out of here. Quick.

534. No, I'm just joking. Don't... don't bail on me.

535. Is that going into your mouth?

536. That's... Yeah, that's...

537. That's what she said. Yes. Very good.

538. That was fun.

539. Really good.

540. I liked that.

541. Yes, those UFC guys, they are built pretty fucking good.

542. I can't stand...

543. That's the only reason I don't watch. I get so angry

544. at how fucking chiselled these fucking guys are.

545. I go to the gym, of course, but I just go to pick my wife up.

546. I'm always like, "Hey, how was that? How'd it go in there?"

547. She's like, "You've got to come in." I'm like, "Yeah, definitely."

548. I got old enough now that I don't take my shirt off anymore.

549. I'm 51, 51 years old.

550. So, I don't take my shirt off anymore

551. when I go swimming at, like, a hotel pool with my kids.

552. I keep my fucking shirt on.

553. I'm swimming, and everyone's pointing and stuff,

554. and like this lifeguard was yelling at me.

555. "You can't do that." I'm like, "What the fuck is...

556. I'm humiliated, buddy. I just don't want to take my fucking shirt off."

557. He's like, "No, you've got to wear a bathing suit, your dick is out."

558. I'm like, "Oh, okay.

559. Oh, this is, uh... one of the fancy Howard Johnson's.

560. I got you.

561. Fuck. Sorry, man."

562. The guys over 50 know what I'm talking about.

563. The testicles do get bigger and bigger as you get older.

564. They hang lower and whatever the fuck happens...

565. You know, you've seen it at the YMCA your whole life,

566. the older men with the giant balls,

567. and you're always wondering

568. why they're so free and happy, fucking...

569. Those are like the 85-year-old guys.

570. They don't give a fuck. They just swing it... and whatever.

571. They don't even think of throwing a towel on.

572. They're just like, "This is it. I only got a few years left.

573. I want... You should remember me how I am,

574. with these giant..."

575. My balls are not that big,

576. but they still don't make sense on my body.

577. My dick literally looks like it's sitting in a bean bag chair.

578. Yeah, it's so comfortable. My dick never...

579. it never wants to leave the balls.

580. It's always just resting.

581. So nice, like, "I love you guys. You're my best friends."

582. The new giant balls get me into trouble with my wife now,

583. because we're both not used to them.

584. I'm behind her doing my thing, what you do when you're behind your wife.

585. And I'll hear, "Hey, hey, no spanking."

586. I'm like, "That wasn't me. That was... That was those guys, babe."

587. And she's like, "Oh...

588. Oh, you got me again."

589. Okay, this is for the people who either live together

590. or have been married for awhile.

591. Okay? This is for you.

592. Thank you.

593. Yo, Sandman, what's your favorite vegetable?

594. Ah-ha, we get it.

595. Oh, shit.

596. Yeah.

597. Get up! Oh, everybody in the fucking arena go fucking mental!

598. Thank you.

599. The vagina fart

600. has been around a long time, girls.

601. No problem. It's fun.

602. The vagina fart, girls, I gotta say still gets you every time.

603. Everybody. Every fellow here enjoys them so much.

604. Just keep them coming, girls.

605. It just provides entertainment in the bedroom.

606. Guys do not say nothing about it.

607. Guys will fucking ignore it every time.

608. Just because, you know, if you comment on it, it's fucking over.

609. You're getting up and leaving and that's it.

610. So you're like, "Okay, whatever the fuck that was, let's keep...

611. Let's keep going forward."

612. I have been face-to-face with the vagina fart.

613. I've been tagged pretty hard by my wife right there.

614. I don't say shit.

615. You know, I might go like, "Uh."

616. I might give her one of those.

617. Hey, now.

618. But I always get right back in there and finish off when I started.

619. You know, if my wife hits me with like four or five of them in a row,

620. I might say, "I think you've got to do some fucking jumping jacks or some shit.

621. You know, get a Q-Tip,

622. fucking pop that...

623. You got... Something's wrong. Something's going on with you.

624. But when you come back, I'll fucking finish you good.

625. I promise you.

626. If it was reversed...

627. let me just say... the girls would not be as sweet to us.

628. If there was a dick fart, if there was such a...

629. There's no dick fart, but if there was a dick fart...

630. And it would be nothing. It's such a little hole.

631. The sound would be nothing.

632. Your vaginas literally are like

633. acoustically fucking made to blast out a boomer.

634. And... And we're just like, "All right, let's play it off like it didn't happen."

635. With a dick fart, you'd be like... At the most, it would sound like...

636. And you'd be like, "Whoa, what the fuck is that?"

637. "I'm nervous. I don't know.

638. You don't think that's cute?

639. It sounds like a little Disney character.

640. Cinderelly."

641. "I'm leaving!"

642. We'd have to play it off like it didn't happen.

643. Like, "No, I think the tea's ready.

644. My wife, one time, hit me in the face with a combo platter.

645. She hit me with the vagina to the mouth...

646. Up high.

647. At the very same time, hit me in the neck with the other...

648. the, uh...

649. She came up high and down low at the very same time.

650. I fucking don't know what happened. One time in 20 years.

651. Just fucking bam, in the face, one in the neck.

652. Fucking hit me hard, it was like the perfect storm.

653. We don't know what she was eating that day,

654. but whatever the fuck it was,

655. she got me good.

656. I've got to say, it literally felt like

657. somebody opened the door on a fucking airplane.

658. It was like, "Whoa!"

659. There was debris in the air and fucking...

660. Other passengers were floating through my fucking room.

661. Oxygen masks dropped down. You know, I was...

662. But I fucking took it like...

663. I did wish someone else saw it. That was fucking incredible.

664. And then I hear the ghost go, "I saw that shit. Oh, my God.

665. It fucking blew the ruler out of my hand."

666. So I tell my wife recently I would love to try anal.

667. And I say to my wife, "Hey, I would love to try anal."

668. And she goes, "Oh, I wouldn't."

669. And then I say, "Oh."

670. I said, "But I would."

671. And she goes, "Yeah, I know. I heard."

672. And then I said, "Okay, so let's..."

673. I really think we should.

674. She goes, "I'm just not into that."

675. And then I said, "You know, what?

676. I love you.

677. I'm gonna be with you for the rest of my life.

678. I've been with you 20 years.

679. I've never cheated on you. I never will cheat on you.

680. It's you and me against the world, baby.

681. And, uh... I really... I got nowhere else to get this anal.

682. So...

683. I was like, "You've got to fucking help me out.

684. It's a fantasy. Please?"

685. And, uh...

686. And she was nice. She said okay.

687. And so, on my birthday, she gave it up.

688. She gave it to me, and she said she liked it.

689. She said it was fun

690. and she couldn't believe she fit her whole fist inside me...

691. And so... I don't know.

692. I said, "You see? New experiences."

693. She's a good girl. That's my baby.

694. That's my baby.

695. Oh, Sandman.

696. That's too much.

697. Ladies and gentlemen... Yuri.

698. Hello, people of Earth.

699. Yes.

700. Absolutely.

701. Remember?

702. Yes, yes.

703. Go! Go back! Go back to space!

704. Get out of here!

705. Take him away!

706. What are you doing?

707. Help him.

708. All right, guys, gonna do this one.

709. This is a very special song. I hope you like it.

710. It means a lot to us. Here we go.

711. I love you, Sandman!

712. By far the funniest fucking guy of all time,

713. the Farls, man.

714. Yeah, baby, so thank you.

715. I couldn't wait to sing that to you guys, and I knew it would be special here.

716. And thank you.

717. He was the best. He was the best.

718. Okay, you guys, I'm gonna sing you this song right now.

719. This is the kind of a sweet song.

720. I sing it to my wife, because she lets me talk about so many things

721. in front of you people.

722. And she doesn't even get mad at me.

723. She's pretty damn cool. So here we go.

724. And this goes for all of you guys here tonight.

725. Yeah!

726. All right, you all, thank you so much.

727. Respect!

728. Rock and roll. I love you too.

729. Let's do it again sometime.

730. Thank you. Thank you.

731. Well, folks, I've been given the light and I must go. But thank you very much.

732. Enjoy the rest of the show.

733. - I got... Go ahead. - Why did the chicken cross the road?

734. Why did the chicken cross the road? Why?

735. Because he wanted to get some diarrhea to eat for breakfast.

736. Okay, your turn.

737. Hey, Dad. Hey, just so you know. Don't forget, I'm Sadie.

738. Ah-ha. Go ahead, Sunny.

739. Why did the M&M walk away from me?

740. Why?

741. Because it wanted to go pee on my dress.

742. Terrific.