1. - Hi, everyone.
I'm Jeff Dunham.Copy !req
2. - Greetings, infidels.
I am Achmed, the dead terrorist.Copy !req
3. - I have a question
for you, Achmed.Copy !req
4. - I am all ears,
without actual ears.Copy !req
5. - All right.Copy !req
6. Who's your favorite
cartoon character?Copy !req
7. - Is this a trick question?
- No. Seriously, who is it?Copy !req
8. - Tigger.
As in Winnie the Pooh?Copy !req
9. - Yes, and Eeyore.
He was so sad.Copy !req
10. - And Piglet?Copy !req
11. - Don't be an idiot.Copy !req
12. - Sorry.
- Whatever.Copy !req
13. What is the point of this?Copy !req
14. - What if you, Achmed,
were animated?Copy !req
15. - Me?
A cartoon?Copy !req
16. - Right.
- Like Tigger?Copy !req
17. - Sure.
- That would be fantastic.Copy !req
18. - Then wish for it.Copy !req
19. - What?
- Make a wish.Copy !req
20. - Oh, like,
"I wish I were animated"?Copy !req
21. - Perfect.Copy !req
22. - Hi, everybody.
- Aah!Copy !req
23. - I am Tinker Bubba.Copy !req
24. - What the-
- Hi, Tinker Bubba.Copy !req
25. - Howdy.
Did I hear someone make a wish?Copy !req
26. - Yep.
That was Achmed.Copy !req
27. - A wish?
What wish?Copy !req
28. - You said you wished
to be intoxicated.Copy !req
29. - No, animated.
- Oh, well, I can do that too.Copy !req
30. - This is ridic-Copy !req
31. - Ah! Oh!Copy !req
32. What happened to me?
Why do I look like this?Copy !req
33. - Thank you, Tinker Bubba.
- You're welcome.Copy !req
34. - You infidel fairy.Copy !req
35. - Toot-toot for now.
Got to fly.Copy !req
36. Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
37. - You tricked me.
- You got your wish.Copy !req
38. - And why am I like this?Copy !req
39. - It's for your
new animated special,Copy !req
40. Achmed Saves America.Copy !req
41. Enjoy the show.Copy !req
42. - Come back, Tinker Bubba!Copy !req
43. J'J"Copy !req
44. J'J"Copy !req
45. I will kill you.Copy !req
46. Oh, not a phone call
while I'm riding.Copy !req
47. I have coverage
all the way out hereCopy !req
48. and not a cell tower in sight.Copy !req
49. Yes, yes.
What? What?Copy !req
50. - Achmed.
Why are you still alive?Copy !req
51. - Nice talking to you too.Copy !req
52. - Wheel of Fortune!Copy !req
53. - I should have heard
a big boom by now.Copy !req
54. You have worked for us
for three years,Copy !req
55. and you still haven't killed
infidel one.Copy !req
56. I swear, you are
the worst terroristCopy !req
57. in the whole
non-Muslim world.Copy !req
58. - I am not.Copy !req
59. As a devout non-Muslim,
I am offended by that.Copy !req
60. - Are you forgetting you blew up
a training camp?Copy !req
61. The only thing left
was the monkey bars.Copy !req
62. - Oh, please.
We are so much better than them.Copy !req
63. - Do not worry, Hassan.
I will get it right this time.Copy !req
64. - Achmed, focus!Copy !req
65. You're not losing your nerve,
are you?Copy !req
66. - No!
Are you kidding?Copy !req
67. I'd be crazy not to want
to kill myself.Copy !req
68. - Then tell me why you are doing
this mission.Copy !req
69. - Because you told me to.Copy !req
70. - Wrong answer!
Why?Copy !req
71. - Because I hate the infidel.Copy !req
72. - And why do you hate
the infidel?Copy !req
73. - Because you told me to.Copy !req
74. - Right answer.
So don't screw this up.Copy !req
75. - Why do you treat me
like a fool?Copy !req
76. The bomb is ready to go.Copy !req
77. Oops.Copy !req
78. Huh?Copy !req
79. Hey-Copy !req
80. I'm alive.
I failed!Copy !req
81. Son of a female dog.Copy !req
82. Well, it obviously can't get
any worse than this.Copy !req
83. Huh!Copy !req
84. What the Hezbollah?
Let me go, you flying jackal.Copy !req
85. Release me at once.Copy !req
86. Clutch me again!
I was kidding!Copy !req
87. I was kidding!Copy !req
88. Well, that used to hurt.Copy !req
89. Wait. Where is this
aluminum devil taking me?Copy !req
90. No!Copy !req
91. J'J"Copy !req
92. J'J"Copy !req
93. Mmm.Copy !req
94. Hmm. Hey.Copy !req
95. Death to America... ville.Copy !req
96. Terrorist log,
hate date 7/3/13.Copy !req
97. I have arrived
in the land of the infidels.Copy !req
98. It will only be a matter
of time until-Aah!Copy !req
99. - Oh, boy.Copy !req
100. I don't know what that was,
but it made a doozy of a noise.Copy !req
101. - I hope
we hit something cool.Copy !req
102. Then this day wouldn't be
a total loss.Copy !req
103. - Whatever.Copy !req
104. Everyone's at the mall
except me.Copy !req
105. And now my life is over.Copy !req
106. - Well, I know
we hit something,Copy !req
107. but darn if I know
what it was.Copy !req
108. - Turn around, asshat.Copy !req
109. - Is that what we hit?Copy !req
110. - Whoa!
Is he dead?Copy !req
111. Can't we go now?Copy !req
112. - No, honey.
We have to help him.Copy !req
113. - Here you go, buddy.
You're fine.Copy !req
114. You're gonna be fine.
- Wait. Stop.Copy !req
115. - Let me give you a hand
with that.Copy !req
116. - What are you doing?
- Oh, that is a hand.Copy !req
117. - Get your hands off of me.Copy !req
118. - And the diaper goes
on top, right?Copy !req
119. - Wait a minute.
- That's a knee.Copy !req
120. - I don't even
touch myself there.Copy !req
121. - That's a...
- What are you doing?Copy !req
122. - ... third knee.
- Stop touching me!Copy !req
123. You put my ass in front!Copy !req
124. - I'm sorry.
I didn't see you.Copy !req
125. - Oh, that makes me feel
so much better.Copy !req
126. - I guess we should exchange
insurance information-Copy !req
127. - Ooh.Copy !req
128. Oh, that looks like ours.Copy !req
129. " Ew!
- Oh,Copy !req
130. - Can we get you to a doctor
or something?Copy !req
131. - I want nothing
to do with you.Copy !req
132. How I wish that evil airplane
had never carried meCopy !req
133. from my homeland to this
wretched America of yours.Copy !req
134. - Mom, did you hear that?
He said he just flew here.Copy !req
135. Maybe he's
our exchange student.Copy !req
136. - Yeah.Copy !req
137. Claude, the French kid
we missed at the airport?Copy !req
138. - I hate you,
and I hate this country.Copy !req
139. - Oh, yeah, he's French.
We better stop him.Copy !req
140. Excuse me.
Sorry to bother you.Copy !req
141. - What? What? What?Copy !req
142. Ah!
What devil is this?Copy !req
143. - Bill, no.Copy !req
144. - Bill?
Seriously'?Copy !req
145. You give your dogs
people names?Copy !req
146. What did you name your kids,
Bubbles and Cujo?Copy !req
147. - Billy, off!Copy !req
148. I'm sorry.
He just likes you.Copy !req
149. - Oh, great.
When does the humping start?Copy !req
150. - By any chance,
are you Claude?Copy !req
151. - Of course I am Claude.Copy !req
152. I'm clawed, scratched, bitten,
licked, and humped,Copy !req
153. but mostly I am clawed.Copy !req
154. - So you're saying
you're Claude?Copy !req
155. - Yes,
you stupid American infidel.Copy !req
156. - That's wonderful.
- What?Copy !req
157. - Claude, we are
your host family, the Wilsons,Copy !req
158. and we're so happy
you're here.Copy !req
159. - Are you infidels friendly
or idiotsCopy !req
160. or just friendly idiots?Copy !req
161. - Sorry about the mix-up
at the airport,Copy !req
162. but that is all over now.Copy !req
163. Let's get you
to your new home.Copy !req
164. - You're taking me
to your cave?Copy !req
165. - Well, I do have a man cave.
It's the garage.Copy !req
166. - Is he naked?Copy !req
167. - Try not to make him feel bad,
okay, honey?Copy !req
168. He's probably poor.Copy !req
169. Let's get you
a hot meal first.Copy !req
170. - We have the foreigner.
Can we please go to the mall?Copy !req
171. J'J"Copy !req
172. I have moled myself,Copy !req
173. "first season
of Homeland" style,Copy !req
174. among the enemy,
the hated ones.Copy !req
175. These people who call themselves
Wilson are cunning, though.Copy !req
176. They insist on treating me
with respectCopy !req
177. and feeding me
an obscene amount of foodCopy !req
178. that I can barely keep down.Copy !req
179. - I have the same problem.Copy !req
180. - Their town
is in terrible shape,Copy !req
181. and their lives are filled
with emptiness and failure,Copy !req
182. yet they don't take
the obvious routeCopy !req
183. of blowing themselves
and everyone around them up.Copy !req
184. What's up with that?Copy !req
185. - I just work
on the assembly line now,Copy !req
186. but my dream is to design
the cars, like this.Copy !req
187. - This is a gas-guzzling,
obnoxious testamentCopy !req
188. to everything the rest of
the world hates about America.Copy !req
189. - Exactly.Copy !req
190. It'll be a huge seller
and save the company.Copy !req
191. If only my boss
would look at it.Copy !req
192. - He will, because it's perfect,
honey, just like you.Copy !req
193. - These are nothing
like the AmericansCopy !req
194. I was taught to hate,
which makes me hate them more.Copy !req
195. Plus, I had no idea
women could drive.Copy !req
196. - Well, this is your home
for the summer, Claude.Copy !req
197. It's cozy, but we love it.Copy !req
198. - I am nauseated
by the evil stench of decadence.Copy !req
199. - He did it.
- Now, Kevin.Copy !req
200. - Don't pick on our guest.Copy !req
201. He's had a long day.Copy !req
202. You know he was hit
by a minivan.Copy !req
203. Why don't you and your sister
go toss the footballCopy !req
204. or something?
- Fine.Copy !req
205. - I'm going to Angie's.Copy !req
206. - Don't ignore your phone.Copy !req
207. - It's not the phone I ignore.Copy !req
208. - Kids today.Copy !req
209. - In my land, they would have
both been stoned by now.Copy !req
210. - That's right.Copy !req
211. You French kids start drinking
early, don't you?Copy !req
212. - Wayne,
remember our surprise.Copy !req
213. - Oh, sure.Copy !req
214. Be right back.Copy !req
215. - So now that I am deep
in the bowels of the enemy,Copy !req
216. I will make it my mission
to explode out a reeky,Copy !req
217. steaming vengeance,
but how and when?Copy !req
218. Ta-da!Copy !req
219. - Ah!
Are you Catholic?Copy !req
220. - No, we're American.Copy !req
221. - Claude, you got here
just in time for our town'sCopy !req
222. 100th birthday celebration,
and it's tomorrow!Copy !req
223. - Ginny's in charge
of the parade and the fireworks.Copy !req
224. - It's going to be some show.Copy !req
225. - Fireworks?
Explosions?Copy !req
226. Large crowds?Copy !req
227. - We'll fix
your room up, Claude.Copy !req
228. - You go ahead.Copy !req
229. I'll just be here innocently
plotting and scheming.Copy !req
230. This is going to be easier
than I thought.Copy !req
231. Stupid Americans.Copy !req
232. They always leave their dynamite
just lying around.Copy !req
233. Let me go!
I kill you!Copy !req
234. Oh, stop.
Stop that.Copy !req
235. I cannot be murderous
when I am being tickled.Copy !req
236. I kill you!Copy !req
237. Stop it!Copy !req
238. Dear diary, my bomb is complete.Copy !req
239. Tomorrow I will get my revenge
on these peopleCopy !req
240. who have been so nice to me.Copy !req
241. - Here's a soft pillow.Copy !req
242. How I hate them.Copy !req
243. Is it hypoallergenic?Copy !req
244. - Just like you asked.Copy !req
245. - Yes, thank you, evil,
American, monster she-woman.Copy !req
246. - You French have such
colorful words for everything.Copy !req
247. Oh, are you writing a book'?Copy !req
248. - Yes, it is a book
of humorous observationsCopy !req
249. about small-town life,Copy !req
250. like the kind by your famous
instigator of suicide,Copy !req
251. Garrison Keillor.Copy !req
252. - That's nice.
Nighty-night now.Copy !req
253. - Nighty-night,
"nighty-night.Copy !req
254. Hello, gorgeous.Copy !req
255. - Hey!
I want to talk to you.Copy !req
256. I don't have a bomb.Copy !req
257. - You're not fooling me, kid.Copy !req
258. I know why you're here.Copy !req
259. - Is that so?Copy !req
260. Well...Copy !req
261. - My parents brought you here
just to make me look bad.Copy !req
262. - La la la la.Copy !req
263. - I can't compare
to how cool you are.Copy !req
264. You're from France and all.
I hate you.Copy !req
265. - Aw, really?Copy !req
266. I hate you too.Copy !req
267. - My dad thinks I should be
playing football,Copy !req
268. but I don't want to do that.Copy !req
269. I'm good at other stuff-Copy !req
270. secret stuff I've never
even told my parents about.Copy !req
271. - You wish to lie
with another boy of your gender?Copy !req
272. - No!
I want to be a ventriloquist.Copy !req
273. - A what?Copy !req
274. - You know, a ventriloquist.Copy !req
275. I have a dummy.
I make it talk.Copy !req
276. We tell jokes in front of big
audiences and get big laughs.Copy !req
277. - That is a job?Copy !req
278. ' Yes!Copy !req
279. - That is the stupidest thing
I've ever heard.Copy !req
280. Seriously, who is going to pay
to see anyone do that crap?Copy !req
281. - But I'm good at it.Copy !req
282. I've been practicing
with my new dummy.Copy !req
283. Da-d a-d a-d a!Copy !req
284. Little Jeff.Copy !req
285. Hiya, Claude.Copy !req
286. - That toy is possessed
with a human spirit!Copy !req
287. I pound your face
with a shoe,Copy !req
288. which is the worst thing
you can doCopy !req
289. to someone in my country
for some reasonCopy !req
290. that no one has
ever explained to anyone.Copy !req
291. - Hey, what's wrong with you?Copy !req
292. I'm sorry
I said anything to you.Copy !req
293. This is gonna be
a long summer.Copy !req
294. - Or a short one.Copy !req
295. Aah!Copy !req
296. Whew.
It's only you.Copy !req
297. I thought
you were Jessica Chastain.Copy !req
298. - Who's that?Copy !req
299. - She was the crazy bitch
in The Help.Copy !req
300. What are you doing here?Copy !req
301. - I was, like, out
with my boyfriend,Copy !req
302. now my ex-boyfriend.Copy !req
303. Ugh. I hate him.
I wish he was dead.Copy !req
304. - Hmm.Copy !req
305. Does he live
within a 20-mile radiusCopy !req
306. of tomorrow's parade?Copy !req
307. - Please don't tell
Mom and Dad.Copy !req
308. - The place where my lips
once were is sealed.Copy !req
309. - They never liked him anyway.Copy !req
310. They think I have, like,
bad taste in guys?Copy !req
311. - You? No.
Don't be so hard on your-Copy !req
312. - Mwah.Copy !req
313. Wow.Copy !req
314. I felt something just now.Copy !req
315. - Well, that was my detonator-
bomb, penis, nothing!Copy !req
316. - You're so funny.Copy !req
317. - Gracias?Copy !req
318. - And I love your French accent.Copy !req
319. - Cassidy, are you home?Copy !req
320. - Got to go.
I'll love you till I die.Copy !req
321. - Stay within
the 20-mile radius.Copy !req
322. - Good night, Cassidy.
- Good night, Mom.Copy !req
323. - Good night, Kevin.
- Good night, Dad!Copy !req
324. - Good night, Ginny!Copy !req
325. - Why are you screaming at meCopy !req
326. when I'm lying
right next to you?Copy !req
327. - Sorry, honey!Copy !req
328. - Good night, little Jeff!Copy !req
329. Good night, "ethery-diddy"!Copy !req
330. - Silence!Copy !req
331. Good night, bomb.Copy !req
332. J'J"Copy !req
333. - Great job, Mom.Copy !req
334. - Thanks.
And don't you two look nice.Copy !req
335. - Yeah, I got this shirt
at the-Copy !req
336. - Ah! It's almost time
for the show to start.Copy !req
337. Kevin, do you know
where Claude is?Copy !req
338. - No, Mom, I don't.Copy !req
339. "Claude. Claude.
Where's Claude?"Copy !req
340. Everybody
loves the French guy.Copy !req
341. - He was in the car with us.Copy !req
342. He had on this great
French cologne.Copy !req
343. It smelled like sawdust
and fertilizer.Copy !req
344. - Here we are!
Almost there.Copy !req
345. Nobody help or touch me,
please.Copy !req
346. Also, please turn off
all cell phones.Copy !req
347. - Claude,
you look so patriotic.Copy !req
348. - Yes, it is patriotism
is given me a glow in my heartCopy !req
349. and a pain in my neck.Copy !req
350. Ow!Copy !req
351. - Ginny, the town square
looks great.Copy !req
352. This event will be just
the thing to turn aroundCopy !req
353. our town spirit
and get me reelected,Copy !req
354. or you're fired.Copy !req
355. Just kidding.
Not really.Copy !req
356. - Mayor McEwen, this is Claude,
our French exchange student.Copy !req
357. - Bonjour, Claude.
Comment allez-vous?Copy !req
358. - Uh, ou est
Ia toilette fromage?Copy !req
359. Oh, that's cute.Copy !req
360. Whoa!
What the hell?Copy !req
361. - Holy crap!Copy !req
362. Pardon my French.Copy !req
363. - Hey, Ginny, nice shindig.Copy !req
364. A little low-key
if you ask me.Copy !req
365. I mean, where's the eagle?Copy !req
366. Nothing says kick-ass
like a flagCopy !req
367. with wings that go Americaw!Copy !req
368. - Americaw!Copy !req
369. - Americaw!
- Americaw!Copy !req
370. - Americaw!Copy !req
371. - Americaw!
- Ah!Copy !req
372. - Claude, these are
our neighbors, the Andersons.Copy !req
373. Chet and Ev, this is Claude.Copy !req
374. - Nice to meet you, Claude.Copy !req
375. - You know, I usually
don't like you Frenchies,Copy !req
376. but in your case,
I'll make an exception.Copy !req
377. - Don't be an idiot.
I hate the French.Copy !req
378. - Well, then we are gonna
be simpatico.Copy !req
379. Ha. That's Mexican for
"I wet your back, you wet mine."Copy !req
380. - Such a delightful racist.Copy !req
381. I like you.Copy !req
382. - Way to set an example, Chet.
Carl Zimmer.Copy !req
383. We're not all tea-bagging
wing nuts like him, Claude.Copy !req
384. - Yeah? And we're not all
freedom-hating, Al-kissing,Copy !req
385. gunless lesbians
like this guy.Copy !req
386. Americaw!Copy !req
387. - Please,
can't you two get along?Copy !req
388. Very soon
none of this will matter.Copy !req
389. Now, if you'll excuse me,Copy !req
390. I have to go
to the little French boys' room.Copy !req
391. - Hurry back.
You don't want to miss the show.Copy !req
392. - My show will leave
a bigger impression.Copy !req
393. J'J"Copy !req
394. Five minutes to blow time.Copy !req
395. I should totally tweet that.Copy !req
396. Justin Bieber
is going to be in Portland!Copy !req
397. - And in the centennial spirit,Copy !req
398. suits at
Stan McEwen's Wide and TallCopy !req
399. are on sale for $100.Copy !req
400. Supply is limited.
Suits may have been pre-worn.Copy !req
401. Now, we have a very special
guest here today, uh, somewhere.Copy !req
402. Right?Copy !req
403. - I don't know where he-
There he is.Copy !req
404. Claude, up here.Copy !req
405. - A big hand for our new friend
from France, everyone.Copy !req
406. - Hello.Copy !req
407. You don't know me
from a hole in the ground,Copy !req
408. but get ready!Copy !req
409. Bye, now.
T-T-F-U.Copy !req
410. - Oh, no, you're not going
anywhere, our new friend.Copy !req
411. - Help!
I'm being illegally detainedCopy !req
412. by a large black man
who is dressed very nicely.Copy !req
413. - You big silly.
We have something for you.Copy !req
414. - Oh, good.
I have something for you too.Copy !req
415. You first.Copy !req
416. - America is a nation
of foreigners,Copy !req
417. and you're
our first legal one.Copy !req
418. And now
Raul's Gardening ServiceCopy !req
419. would like to give you
a 21-leaf-blower salute.Copy !req
420. - That's why we're all here-Copy !req
421. to thank you and welcome you!Copy !req
422. - Hooray!Copy !req
423. - You people are all
so moronically cheerful.Copy !req
424. - Now, to help celebrate
Claude's arrival,Copy !req
425. put your hands together
for American Idol season nineCopy !req
426. Hollywood round
almost semifinalist,Copy !req
427. Ronny Huntingchurch!Copy !req
428. - Well, this is for you,
Claude.Copy !req
429. Wait. I can't be crying.Copy !req
430. I must have shrapnel
in my eye.Copy !req
431. - You-you trust me?Copy !req
432. What a fatwa.Copy !req
433. The guys have it all wrong.Copy !req
434. You are the best infidels ever.Copy !req
435. Where I am from,
no one is nice.Copy !req
436. They stay in their caves,
knee-deep in camel poop,Copy !req
437. covering their wives so they
look like Pac-Man ghosts.Copy !req
438. - That's French for you.Copy !req
439. - I love this country.Copy !req
440. Life to America!Copy !req
441. Oh!
I'll be right back.Copy !req
442. That really hurt.Copy !req
443. - You'll get used to it.Copy !req
444. Where is that bomb?Copy !req
445. It's always
in the last place you look.Copy !req
446. Ow!Copy !req
447. There you are.Copy !req
448. Huh?Copy !req
449. You actual, literal
son of a bitch.Copy !req
450. No, no, no, no,
that is not a squeaky bomb.Copy !req
451. Give me that bomb.Copy !req
452. I have to save the people
I wanted to kill a minute ago.Copy !req
453. Oh.
The things I have to do.Copy !req
454. Billy,
look what I have for you.Copy !req
455. It's your favorite...Copy !req
456. femur.Copy !req
457. Go get it, Bill!Copy !req
458. Oh...Copy !req
459. no!Copy !req
460. Fuuuuuu-Copy !req
461. Whew!
That was close.Copy !req
462. That's a pretty big button.Copy !req
463. Ooh!Copy !req
464. - I bet this looks awesome
from down there!Copy !req
465. - He really loves America.Copy !req
466. - I sure hope so.Copy !req
467. - America, I love you!Copy !req
468. Still love it.Copy !req
469. Loving it a little less.Copy !req
470. - I'm at
Americaville General HospitalCopy !req
471. where an entire town
is holding a vigilCopy !req
472. for someone they just met
this morning...Copy !req
473. a brave little boy
from France named Claude.Copy !req
474. Ah!Copy !req
475. La la la la!Copy !req
476. It's burning.Copy !req
477. - Doctor,
is he gonna be okay?Copy !req
478. - Well, he displays
no vital signs whatsoever.Copy !req
479. The technical term
for that is "dead."Copy !req
480. - Golly, that sounds serious.
- Huh?Copy !req
481. - He's waking up.Copy !req
482. My boyfriend's waking up.Copy !req
483. - The wire that's blue
will not hurt you.Copy !req
484. The wire that's red
will make us dead.Copy !req
485. - Shh. I think he's trying
to tell us something.Copy !req
486. Hey, everybody!Copy !req
487. Oh, the pain!Copy !req
488. It's making me say things
only sung at terrorist camp.Copy !req
489. - Well, that's the mostCopy !req
490. we can expect
from him right now, I'm afraid.Copy !req
491. - We should leave him now.
He needs his rest.Copy !req
492. - Mom, I guess you'll need
someone to takeCopy !req
493. Claude's spot in the parade.Copy !req
494. I've been working
on something.Copy !req
495. - Parade?Copy !req
496. I can be
in a real American paradeCopy !req
497. where people wait all night
to get great seatsCopy !req
498. to watch other people walk?Copy !req
499. Count me in!Copy !req
500. Sorry.Copy !req
501. - Hmm.
I thought you were dead.Copy !req
502. - It's a miracle.Copy !req
503. - Aah!Copy !req
504. I declare
this centennial parade started!Copy !req
505. J'J"Copy !req
506. - Look what you did, Claude.Copy !req
507. - You've inspired
the entire town.Copy !req
508. - Thank you.Copy !req
509. I don't have
to blow up again, do I?Copy !req
510. - Congratulations, Claude.Copy !req
511. In the words
of Michelle Obama,Copy !req
512. "For the first time
in my adult lifetime,Copy !req
513. I'm really proud
of my country."Copy !req
514. - Yes,
we heard her say that.Copy !req
515. That is
when we recruited her.Copy !req
516. - She is a true American.Copy !req
517. - Yes, and her hair
is actually straight.Copy !req
518. - Son, you're the real hero,
210% American.Copy !req
519. - You people suck
at mathematics.Copy !req
520. I love it.Copy !req
521. - Claude, Dave Chester, CNN.Copy !req
522. - CNN?
I love you Quys.Copy !req
523. You're the Borders Books
of cable networks.Copy !req
524. - Claude,
you've only been here two days,Copy !req
525. and you've already been hit
by a truck, gotten blown up,Copy !req
526. rolled down a hill
in a fiery Dumpster...Copy !req
527. - And I've tried curly fries.Copy !req
528. - So how do you like
our country?Copy !req
529. - Well, I'm in America,
so I won't tell you how I feel.Copy !req
530. I will sing, just like those
30-year-old teenagersCopy !req
531. on that bafflingly beloved
TV show Glee.Copy !req
532. I love to hate-watch it.Copy !req
533. - Americaw!
- Yeah, what he said.Copy !req
534. - Ah.Copy !req
535. - Get away from him!
He's mine!Copy !req
536. - All right, you can do it
just this once.Copy !req
537. - Americaw!Copy !req
538. J'J"Copy !req
539. Good night, Ginny.
- Good night, Claude.Copy !req
540. - Good night, Wayne.
- Good night, Claude.Copy !req
541. - Good night, Cassidy.
- Good night, Claude.Copy !req
542. - Good night, Kevin.
- Good night, Claude.Copy !req
543. - Good night, Kevin's creepy,
dead-eyed boy doll.Copy !req
544. - Shut "ut"!Copy !req
545. - Okay.
Good night, America.Copy !req
546. - Chet, you're gonna crash
this thing!Copy !req
547. - We're already late,
thanks to you.Copy !req
548. Will you hurry up?Copy !req
549. - Well, I'm sorry.
My flip-flop blew out.Copy !req
550. - Well, then you're gonna be
left behind.Copy !req
551. I want to make sure Claude
sees me cheering him on.Copy !req
552. Hey, there, Carl.
Nice view, huh?Copy !req
553. - It's all right.Copy !req
554. - So, uh...Copy !req
555. Any room up there for-Copy !req
556. - No.
No, Chet, not really.Copy !req
557. I've been waiting here
all morning.Copy !req
558. - Look, can you help
a friend out?Copy !req
559. - I could help you,
but then you'd come to dependCopy !req
560. on that help,
like a welfare queen.Copy !req
561. - God dang it.Copy !req
562. - Hey, uh, boss,
check it out.Copy !req
563. It has dual quad carbs
like an original muscle car,Copy !req
564. but I designed it
to sit on a chassisCopy !req
565. of our existing midsize,Copy !req
566. so you'd only
have to make a few tweaksCopy !req
567. on the assembly line to-
- Yeah, yeah, whatever.Copy !req
568. You think maybe later
I could have my picture takenCopy !req
569. with the French kid?Copy !req
570. - Sure, but maybe then
can you look at the-Copy !req
571. - I'll definitely think
about it, Wayne.Copy !req
572. Can we Photoshop Claude
in with the CEO, do you think?Copy !req
573. - I guess
- Yeah, great, great.Copy !req
574. I got to pee.Copy !req
575. - Good afternoon, everyone.
I'm Mayor Stan McEwen.Copy !req
576. I'm not sure what
we're in store for today,Copy !req
577. but I know
it will be special.Copy !req
578. It is my honorCopy !req
579. to present the chairwoman
of my reelection campaign,Copy !req
580. Mrs. Ginny Wilson.Copy !req
581. - Hello, everyone.Copy !req
582. I know you're waiting
for the main event,Copy !req
583. so I'll just read
from these prepared remarksCopy !req
584. written by our special guest.Copy !req
585. "Good afternoon, my cherished
new American fiends."Copy !req
586. - Friends!
Friends!Copy !req
587. - Sorry.
Wha-it-it says "fiends" here.Copy !req
588. - That is
a typo and not a Freudian slipCopy !req
589. reflecting something
I used to believeCopy !req
590. with every fiber of my being.
GoonCopy !req
591. - "I hope you will appreciateCopy !req
592. the wonderful surprise
I hate for you."Copy !req
593. - Have.Copy !req
594. - "And I hope
it will kill you."Copy !req
595. - Thrill.
More typos.Copy !req
596. Stupid AutoCorrect.Copy !req
597. Am I right?Copy !req
598. Maybe we should skip.Copy !req
599. - Right, right.Copy !req
600. Well, clearly I'm not
very good at this,Copy !req
601. so let me hand over the programCopy !req
602. to the reason
we're all here today,Copy !req
603. Americaville's
new favorite son,Copy !req
604. your friend and mine, Claude!Copy !req
605. J'J"Copy !req
606. - Thank you!
You are too kind.Copy !req
607. Okay.Copy !req
608. If I could have-Copy !req
609. Thank you.
Really, this is too much.Copy !req
610. Thank you.
If-Silence!Copy !req
611. I've had some time
to reflectCopy !req
612. on what you wonderful people
in this wonderful townCopy !req
613. in this wonderful country
mean to me.Copy !req
614. And today I, Claude,
from France,Copy !req
615. want to pay you back
for the hospitalityCopy !req
616. you have shown me,Copy !req
617. to thank not just
the Wilson family.Copy !req
618. Give them a hand.Copy !req
619. There they are.Copy !req
620. Very nice.Copy !req
621. Cassidy, please,
don't get hooked on me.Copy !req
622. Choose one of the many
idiot boys in this town.Copy !req
623. And, Kevin, I like you.
I really do.Copy !req
624. Put down that stupid dummy.Copy !req
625. You will never get girls
as long as you have that thing.Copy !req
626. Anyway, I am so grateful
to all of youCopy !req
627. that I have decided
to present you with a gift,Copy !req
628. much as you Americans were given
the Statue of LibertyCopy !req
629. by my country of France-Copy !req
630. France being the place
lam from and no place else.Copy !req
631. Here it is!Copy !req
632. - Hey, that's just
Big Rock Rock.Copy !req
633. Hmm.
- Yes...Copy !req
634. But thanks to my talents
in explosives,Copy !req
635. talents which I learned
along with every otherCopy !req
636. French school boy in France,
the land of my birth,Copy !req
637. I present to you...Copy !req
638. Mount America Foreverberg!Copy !req
639. These are your four greatest
American icons-Copy !req
640. billionaire wig model
Donald Trump...Copy !req
641. professional man-hater
Taylor Swift...Copy !req
642. tiny ageless weirdo
Tom Cruise...Copy !req
643. and famed drug lord
Lance Armstrong!Copy !req
644. - I'm getting a hankering
for the full-on salute.Copy !req
645. - Oh.
So you still do get those?Copy !req
646. - Tom Cruise starred
in one of my favorite films,Copy !req
647. Jerry Maguire.Copy !req
648. I got misty when Renee Zellweger
dumped him.Copy !req
649. - Thanks for the spoiler, jerk.
I haven't watched it yet.Copy !req
650. - We love you!Copy !req
651. - Way to go.
- You're the best, Achmed.Copy !req
652. - My American dream
has come true.Copy !req
653. I believe I can safely say,
with no fear of beingCopy !req
654. ironically contradicted,
that nothing,Copy !req
655. I mean nothing,
can ruin this golden moment.Copy !req
656. - Hello, Achmed.Copy !req
657. - Holy crap.Copy !req
658. - United States Americans,
my name is Hassan al-Hassan.Copy !req
659. - Hey, that there's
a terrorist.Copy !req
660. - Nice going, Chet.Copy !req
661. Just because
he has an Arabic name,Copy !req
662. he's automatically
a terrorist.Copy !req
663. - I am a terrorist.Copy !req
664. - Welcome to America.Copy !req
665. - This person is a traitor!Copy !req
666. Achmed's name isn't Claude.
Achmed's name is Achmed.Copy !req
667. - It is?Copy !req
668. - And he is a terrorist.
- He is?Copy !req
669. - And he is a skeleton.Copy !req
670. - He is?Copy !req
671. - A re r-re re-to n?
- I am?Copy !req
672. - Yeah, but if his name
is Achmed, then where's Claude?Copy !req
673. J'J"Copy !req
674. - Is what he said true?Copy !req
675. - No!
Well...Copy !req
676. No, no, no, I'm no terrorist.
I'm a nice guy.Copy !req
677. You know, the real me,
production-number me.Copy !req
678. Remember my song?Copy !req
679. Everything you know about meCopy !req
680. says I'm a great guy
and a true American.Copy !req
681. - Everything except this!Copy !req
682. I found this in his room.Copy !req
683. All his plans to blow us up
are in here...Copy !req
684. and some weird drawings of him
riding a flying horse?Copy !req
685. - It was a superhero character
I was working on-Copy !req
686. Turban Cowboy.Copy !req
687. It's turban time.Copy !req
688. Well, now that I hear it
out loud...Copy !req
689. Come on, guys.Copy !req
690. This is America,
where if you're white,Copy !req
691. you can get away
with anything.Copy !req
692. And there's nobody
whiter than me.Copy !req
693. - I know him.
In my heart, it's not true.Copy !req
694. - Crazy.
- What about my reelection?Copy !req
695. - I think he might be
a terrorist.Copy !req
696. - Please, I beg you.
Listen to me.Copy !req
697. - Are any of us
what we really appear to be?Copy !req
698. - Daddy, maybe he is
a terrorist.Copy !req
699. - If you would only listen.Copy !req
700. Silence!
I kill you!Copy !req
701. Is what a real terrorist
might say.Copy !req
702. - I guess we should call
the police.Copy !req
703. - Not necessary.
I'm a deputy.Copy !req
704. - You bought that
at a toy store.Copy !req
705. - I didn't buy this
at no toy store.Copy !req
706. I won it at a church raffle.Copy !req
707. Say your prayers, bonehead.Copy !req
708. - This is FBI agent Jack Bauer.Copy !req
709. Ooh!Copy !req
710. - Not the one from TV.Copy !req
711. Aw!Copy !req
712. - It's my real name.
It's fairly common.Copy !req
713. I get this all the time.
Calm down.Copy !req
714. You have 24 seconds
to surrender, starting now.Copy !req
715. - Oh, no,
I'm too pretty for prison.Copy !req
716. - Yes, you are.Copy !req
717. - Achmed, before you go,Copy !req
718. there's someone who wants
to say something.Copy !req
719. You're a "dad" man!
You should "de" ashamed.Copy !req
720. - That toy is possessed
with a human spirit!Copy !req
721. - Foot bones,
don't fail me now!Copy !req
722. - Stop it, Chet.
You're gonna hurt somebody.Copy !req
723. - Freedom ain't free, Ev.Copy !req
724. - Not so fast!Copy !req
725. I've got a Mexican,
and I'm not afraid to use it.Copy !req
726. - I am not an "it."
My name is Carlos.Copy !req
727. - This is not about you.Copy !req
728. Anybody makes a move,
and I blow him.Copy !req
729. With the leaf blower.Copy !req
730. I can't believe
you all went there.Copy !req
731. I am so disappointed.Copy !req
732. Ah, screw it.Copy !req
733. Good-bye, Americaville.Copy !req
734. - Hello, traitor.Copy !req
735. Hassan!Copy !req
736. - It's day five of
"America Made to Look Stupid."Copy !req
737. The little town of Americaville
deals with the revelationCopy !req
738. that they've been harboring
the known terrorist AchmedCopy !req
739. who lived among
them in disguise.Copy !req
740. Reaction
to this story has comeCopy !req
741. from across
the political spectrum,Copy !req
742. with Democrats
and RepublicansCopy !req
743. finally finding common ground
on something.Copy !req
744. Americaville, now known
as Terrorist Town, USA,Copy !req
745. is the worst city
in the entire United States.Copy !req
746. - It's a town of pinheads,Copy !req
747. and the biggest pinheads of allCopy !req
748. are the family
that harbored the terrorist.Copy !req
749. And they're the subject
of my new book,Copy !req
750. Killing the Wilsons.Copy !req
751. - America is a country
of laws and due process,Copy !req
752. but in the Wilsons' case,Copy !req
753. a drone strike
is too good for them.Copy !req
754. - Are we even sureCopy !req
755. that Mr. Wilson is the father
of this terrorist?Copy !req
756. Hmm?Copy !req
757. - Automaker U.S. Motors,Copy !req
758. where terrorist harborer
Wayne Wilson once worked,Copy !req
759. announced today that,
as a gesture of apology,Copy !req
760. they will close
their Americaville plant,Copy !req
761. demolish it,
burn the ruins,Copy !req
762. lock the ashes
in a concrete vault,Copy !req
763. and bury the vault
under Giants Stadium.Copy !req
764. - Would you mind
if we turned that off?Copy !req
765. - Sorry. We're under orders
to make you watch itCopy !req
766. and keep TiVo-ing back
to the beginning.Copy !req
767. - And they're the subject
of my new book,Copy !req
768. Killing the Wilsons.Copy !req
769. - So that's your testimony.Copy !req
770. You had no idea this fella was
a terrorist or a skeleton?Copy !req
771. - No, we just liked him.Copy !req
772. - Okay, we're done here.Copy !req
773. - Thank you.Copy !req
774. Maybe we can go back to some
version of our lives and-Copy !req
775. - No, ma'am,
you don't understand.Copy !req
776. I said we're done here.Copy !req
777. - This is not the America
I grew up in.Copy !req
778. - I advise you to be quiet.Copy !req
779. Anything you say may be used
against you at trial.Copy !req
780. - Oh, there won't be a trial.Copy !req
781. Uh, no worries, then.
Here we go.Copy !req
782. J'J"Copy !req
783. - My friends,
today your new life begins,Copy !req
784. for just on the other side
of this tunnel is AmericaCopy !req
785. and your new Home... Depot
parking lot.Copy !req
786. ' Yes!Copy !req
787. Oh, we are finally
out of that wretched placeCopy !req
788. and away
from those horrible people.Copy !req
789. But you guys have fun.
Knock yourselves out.Copy !req
790. J'J"Copy !req
791. - I can't believe
the Wilsons just gave me upCopy !req
792. after all we meant
to each other.Copy !req
793. I broke bread with them.Copy !req
794. I put a bomb
in their guest room.Copy !req
795. - How could you let yourself
be brainwashedCopy !req
796. by those infidels,
after we spent so much timeCopy !req
797. brainwashing you
to hate them?Copy !req
798. - I guess I am just washable.Copy !req
799. - Soon this will all be over,Copy !req
800. and the decadent nation
will only be a bitter memory.Copy !req
801. Two tickets for the Third World,
please, first-class.Copy !req
802. - May the Wilsons
rot in hell!Copy !req
803. I am glad
I will never see them again.Copy !req
804. Wait.
What's this?Copy !req
805. - There we see the escaped
terrorist's accomplicesCopy !req
806. being led away to prison.Copy !req
807. - Terrorist lovers, go home!Copy !req
808. Go back to another country!Copy !req
809. - They were not
my accomplices.Copy !req
810. I was the mastermind
of this fiasco.Copy !req
811. - If I could just say
one thing...Copy !req
812. Claude, Achmed,
wherever you are,Copy !req
813. if you can hear me...
- I can!Copy !req
814. - We know you're really
a nice boy,Copy !req
815. and we hope you're okay.Copy !req
816. What?Copy !req
817. - The Wilsons are put
onto the prison bus and...Copy !req
818. goooooooooal!Copy !req
819. - I can't let the Wilsons
become the first innocent peopleCopy !req
820. ever wrongly imprisoned
in America.Copy !req
821. Hassan, you must take me
back there to help them.Copy !req
822. - You are insane.Copy !req
823. I wouldn't pay more attention
to the shrieksCopy !req
824. of a rabid water buffalo.Copy !req
825. - Oh, yes, how is your wife?Copy !req
826. Zing, boom!
American put-down humor.Copy !req
827. - For that, I should kill
until you are dead.Copy !req
828. But she is fine.
She's lost some weight.Copy !req
829. She's more cow
than water buffalo.Copy !req
830. Anyway, come to your senses!Copy !req
831. Why do you want to go back
to that devil-filled country?Copy !req
832. - All right,
I will tell you.Copy !req
833. I want you to imagine a place
where all are equalCopy !req
834. and all are welcome,
no matter where you came fromCopy !req
835. or who your father was
or how much land you own.Copy !req
836. It's a place dedicated
to the pursuit of happiness,Copy !req
837. where all the good things
in life are spread before you.Copy !req
838. And it is your right to take
as much as your heart desires.Copy !req
839. This place, my friend,
is called HomeBound Buffet.Copy !req
840. And America
is filled with them.Copy !req
841. LoomCopy !req
842. - These people-
they all seem so happy.Copy !req
843. - That's what unlimited buffet
does for a nation.Copy !req
844. - Unlimited?Copy !req
845. Surely there must be
some limits.Copy !req
846. - Nope.Copy !req
847. - All right,
they serve dinner, yes,Copy !req
848. but surely not desert.Copy !req
849. - Bottomless frozen-yogurt bar
with all kinds of toppings-Copy !req
850. Oreo, Snickers, Cap'n Crunch.Copy !req
851. - Don't say Butterfingers.
Don't say Butterfingers.Copy !req
852. - Butterfingers.Copy !req
853. I must go there at once.Copy !req
854. Let me in!Copy !req
855. I must go to...
Route 75, America,Copy !req
856. at the West Town Country Mall
at once.Copy !req
857. - No! We have to save
the Wilsons first.Copy !req
858. - Just a little fro-yo?
- Okay.Copy !req
859. One standard serving of fro-yo,
no more than two toppings.Copy !req
860. - Ooh, yay!Copy !req
861. - Let us in!Copy !req
862. - Hey, you.Copy !req
863. Get away from there.Copy !req
864. - Holy crap.
It's the po-po.Copy !req
865. That's the funny name
they have for police in America.Copy !req
866. - I love it.Copy !req
867. - I said get out of here.
No entry!Copy !req
868. - But we have to save
our friends.Copy !req
869. The FBI thinks
they are terrorists,Copy !req
870. but they're not.Copy !req
871. We are...Copy !req
872. is what a bad person
would sayCopy !req
873. in the scene
from our new Broadway musical,Copy !req
874. Les Mis Arabs.Copy !req
875. Uh, got to go!Copy !req
876. - Terrorists!
After 'em!Copy !req
877. - Achmed, I am so sorry.
What do we do now?Copy !req
878. - We do what Americans do.Copy !req
879. - Eat?
- No.Copy !req
880. What Americans do
when they run out of options.Copy !req
881. - Throw a Hail Mary pass?Copy !req
882. - Close.
They pray.Copy !req
883. - But we pray all the time,
like, 38 times a day.Copy !req
884. - No, no, we have to pray
like Americans.Copy !req
885. - How is that?Copy !req
886. - They ask for things
like sports victories,Copy !req
887. no pregnancy,
and celebrity side boob.Copy !req
888. - What do we pray for-
side boob?Copy !req
889. - No.
A miracle.Copy !req
890. J'J"Copy !req
891. Aah!Copy !req
892. - Side boob.Copy !req
893. Aah! Aah!Copy !req
894. It's American.Copy !req
895. - Yes, bald eagle,
mighty American symbol,Copy !req
896. who is the second-place choice
after a turkey,Copy !req
897. take us into America.Copy !req
898. It's turban time!Copy !req
899. J'J"Copy !req
900. - We have live team coverage
of the bus convoyCopy !req
901. as it slowly makes its way
down the main streetCopy !req
902. of Americaville
and on to Guantanamo.Copy !req
903. Let's go now live
to our Madison Ashford,Copy !req
904. who's embedded
with the terrorist familyCopy !req
905. and their captors.Copy !req
906. - Dave, I'm here
with the terrorist sympathizers.Copy !req
907. - We simply gave him a home.Copy !req
908. - Confessed
terrorist sympathizersCopy !req
909. as they head to their
well-earned imprisonment.Copy !req
910. - There's no place like home.Copy !req
911. - Another barrage of eggs
has hit the bus.Copy !req
912. That's why I'm in body armor.Copy !req
913. - There's my Girl Scout leaderCopy !req
914. and my civics teacher.Copy !req
915. - Well, who threw all those?Copy !req
916. - Father O'Malley
and Rabbi WeismanCopy !req
917. are holding a slingshot
for lmam Abdullah.Copy !req
918. - Well, at least we helped bring
some people together.Copy !req
919. - Wilsons, if there's a hell,
you're going to it.Copy !req
920. - Hey, when this is over,Copy !req
921. you guys want to walk
into a bar?Copy !req
922. J'J"Copy !req
923. - Oh.Copy !req
924. Oh!Copy !req
925. Oh!
lam so full.Copy !req
926. I think America is going
to mean death to me.Copy !req
927. - Funny. That could be the title
of your memoir.Copy !req
928. - That's a little too
on the nose for me.Copy !req
929. I will ask the Wilsons
what they think about it.Copy !req
930. - The Wilsons!
We've got to save them.Copy !req
931. Hassan, we must leave now,Copy !req
932. but stealthfully
to avoid detection.Copy !req
933. - How was your meal,
gentlemen?Copy !req
934. - Oh, it was perfect,
so delicious.Copy !req
935. But we have to go now.Copy !req
936. - We're bringing out
a new troughCopy !req
937. of Butterfinger pieces.Copy !req
938. - How very fattening of you.
Thanks.Copy !req
939. - Are they freshly crumbled?
- You bet ya.Copy !req
940. - Much as we'd like to gorge
ourselves into an early grave,Copy !req
941. we really have to go...
now!Copy !req
942. Charlie Sheen.Copy !req
943. Bush.
- Is something wrong?Copy !req
944. - Oh, no,
it's all hunky-dory.Copy !req
945. What could be wrong?Copy !req
946. We've had
our ridiculously huge dinner,Copy !req
947. burped and farted
to our heart's content,Copy !req
948. and now we're leaving,
just like any other Americans-Copy !req
949. I look so young
in that picture.Copy !req
950. Holy crap.Copy !req
951. Well, it looks
like you've got us.Copy !req
952. Oh, look, they're putting out
more pizza bread.Copy !req
953. Ooh!
- Go! Go, go, go, go!Copy !req
954. More sprinkles, please.Copy !req
955. Oh, and some fresh bread.Copy !req
956. - Wow. This country throws out
so many cars.Copy !req
957. It's fantastic!Copy !req
958. - I know, right?Copy !req
959. This is not good.Copy !req
960. The Wilsons need me,
and I've let them down.Copy !req
961. The least I can do,
in case we don't make it,Copy !req
962. is write a note
that clears them.Copy !req
963. Can it be?Copy !req
964. Hassan, how are you
at building things?Copy !req
965. - Not as good
as blowing things up.Copy !req
966. - That's going to have
to change.Copy !req
967. Grab that welding crap
and come with me.Copy !req
968. - What are we building?
- You'll see!Copy !req
969. - These are hurting my wrists.Copy !req
970. - Sorry, ma'am.
I'm under orders.Copy !req
971. All right.Copy !req
972. - You can do that?Copy !req
973. - It's highly classified.Copy !req
974. - So are you.Copy !req
975. - I'm not sure you know
what that word means,Copy !req
976. but thank you.Copy !req
977. - Ooh, Chris Matthews is going
to get moist over this.Copy !req
978. - Honey, ain't this the best
anniversary present,Copy !req
979. seeing our neighbors
go to prison?Copy !req
980. - Jewelry's nice.Copy !req
981. - Hey, what song
should I play now?Copy !req
982. How about
America, Eff Yeah,Copy !req
983. from that Team America movie?Copy !req
984. - That song is ironic, Chet.Copy !req
985. - It ain't ironic
if you don't get the joke.Copy !req
986. " Ow!Copy !req
987. That better be cage-free.Copy !req
988. - Bite my justice,
you arugula-eating left turd!Copy !req
989. - Now, I know things
look bad,Copy !req
990. but we can't just give up.Copy !req
991. We have to maintain hopeCopy !req
992. that something or someone
can save us.Copy !req
993. - That's right, kids.Copy !req
994. We have to hope
for something betterCopy !req
995. because that's what we do.Copy !req
996. I don't know who will help us.
It could be a stranger.Copy !req
997. It could be someone
who hasn't been born yet.Copy !req
998. It could be-Copy !req
999. Flaming skull!Copy !req
1000. - Is that a superhero?Copy !req
1001. - No, it's a flaming skull!
LoomCopy !req
1002. - Greetings, infidels!Copy !req
1003. - It's Claude.Copy !req
1004. - My name is Achmed!Copy !req
1005. - Girl car!Copy !req
1006. Wiener substitute!Copy !req
1007. - Ah, hell, no.Copy !req
1008. - Leave him alone, Chet!Copy !req
1009. You're what's wrong
with America!Copy !req
1010. - No! You're what's wrong
with America!Copy !req
1011. Americaw!Copy !req
1012. - Gentlemen,
you are both correct!Copy !req
1013. - Hey, what the-
Get out of my way!Copy !req
1014. - I hate you, Chet!Copy !req
1015. - Damn-
- I've always hated you!Copy !req
1016. - Turd car!Copy !req
1017. - HEY-Copy !req
1018. Oh. Sorry.Copy !req
1019. - No worries.Copy !req
1020. We've got Obamacare.Copy !req
1021. Hello, Wilsons!
I love you!Copy !req
1022. - Whoa!Copy !req
1023. - Even you,
you little backstabber!Copy !req
1024. - Thanks, Achmed.Copy !req
1025. - I still say he's a bad man!Copy !req
1026. - Someone
has been practicing!Copy !req
1027. - Thanks!Copy !req
1028. - Great Hoover's pantyhose.
What the hell?Copy !req
1029. - I am turning myself in.Copy !req
1030. - He's turning himself
into a bomb.Copy !req
1031. - I think he said,
"Turning myself in."Copy !req
1032. - When did you graduate
from Quantico?Copy !req
1033. Prepare to fire.Copy !req
1034. - How is it going?Copy !req
1035. - Been better,
been worse.Copy !req
1036. - Don't shoot!
Please, hear him out.Copy !req
1037. - Ladies and gentlemen
and big dangerous guns,Copy !req
1038. I came back to tell you
that these wonderful people,Copy !req
1039. the Wilsons, do not deserve
to be taken to prison.Copy !req
1040. I do.Copy !req
1041. - Wait, wait, wait.
Why did we all just gasp?Copy !req
1042. We know
he should go to prison.Copy !req
1043. - I don't know.Copy !req
1044. I feel kind of stupid
about that now.Copy !req
1045. - It's true that I came hereCopy !req
1046. with the intent
of doing you harm,Copy !req
1047. but that is all over.Copy !req
1048. And the Wilsons had nothing
to do with itCopy !req
1049. because they are decent,
kind people,Copy !req
1050. like Americans everywhere.Copy !req
1051. - Let me know
when you got the shot.Copy !req
1052. - Roger that.Copy !req
1053. - The Wilsons' only crime
was seeing the best in me,Copy !req
1054. and my only crime was not seeing
the best in them...Copy !req
1055. and plotting to blow up
the whole town, yada, yada.Copy !req
1056. - If I may say a word or two.Copy !req
1057. - Of course, sir.
Where's my kill shot, people?Copy !req
1058. - I don't see him.Copy !req
1059. Oh, wait.Copy !req
1060. That's better.
We're clear.Copy !req
1061. Subject is in the target zone.Copy !req
1062. - On my command, in three...Copy !req
1063. - I'd like to say a few wordsCopy !req
1064. about this remarkable
young man.Copy !req
1065. - Hey, whoever is playing
with that laser pen out thereCopy !req
1066. should really stop.Copy !req
1067. You could detach a retina.Copy !req
1068. - They're going to shoot him.Copy !req
1069. - .. Two, one, f-Copy !req
1070. - Sniper team, stand down!Copy !req
1071. - What-
Who is that?Copy !req
1072. - I said stand down!Copy !req
1073. That is a direct order!Copy !req
1074. This is
General Charles McCarthyCopy !req
1075. of the United States
Joint Command,Copy !req
1076. and I order you
to stand down now!Copy !req
1077. That's better.Copy !req
1078. - It's a miracle.
- Kind of.Copy !req
1079. - Now toss your weapons
in that drainage ditch.Copy !req
1080. And let Mr. Wilson speak.Copy !req
1081. - Thank you,
General McCarthy.Copy !req
1082. And thank you, son.Copy !req
1083. - Why ain't they shooting him?
He's right there.Copy !req
1084. - He's surrendering
peacefully.Copy !req
1085. - Not in my America.Copy !req
1086. - Now, dear, this ain't right.Copy !req
1087. - Why can't you be
more supportive of my hobbies?Copy !req
1088. - That is not good.Copy !req
1089. I can see my cave from here.Copy !req
1090. - Au revoir,
you towel-headed French fry.Copy !req
1091. - Now, Chet!
- Don't "now, Chet" me.Copy !req
1092. He got what he deserved.Copy !req
1093. You do good things,
and you'll be rewarded.Copy !req
1094. You do bad things,
and it's hasta la bye-bye.Copy !req
1095. - Hiya, Chet.Copy !req
1096. - Save me, Sean Hannity!Copy !req
1097. - No!
My fuel-efficient hybrid!Copy !req
1098. - My lower torso.Copy !req
1099. J'J"Copy !req
1100. - Anyway, you were saying.Copy !req
1101. - How can you still be alive?
- I think I know.Copy !req
1102. Because the American dream
burns within him.Copy !req
1103. - Actually,
that's a piece of shrapnel.Copy !req
1104. But I feel you.Copy !req
1105. - This amazing young man,
this skeleton-Copy !req
1106. Yes, I admit now
he is just a talking skeleton.Copy !req
1107. No offense.
- Please. We're past that.Copy !req
1108. - He stays aliveCopy !req
1109. because he believes in
the America we all believe in,Copy !req
1110. a place where you can make
a fresh startCopy !req
1111. no matter
where you came from,Copy !req
1112. where you can arrive
in this countryCopy !req
1113. without a dollar
in your pocket,Copy !req
1114. change your name,
and make a new life.Copy !req
1115. It happened to someone
you might have heard of,Copy !req
1116. someone
named Miss Shania Twain.Copy !req
1117. - She's not American?
- Canadian.Copy !req
1118. - No.Copy !req
1119. - Who's Shania Twain?Copy !req
1120. I love Shania Twain.Copy !req
1121. You do?Copy !req
1122. - So, to quote one
of Shania Twain's biggest hits-Copy !req
1123. - Man! I Feel Like a Woman!Copy !req
1124. - No.Copy !req
1125. Let's find a new spiritCopy !req
1126. of cooperation
and forgiveness.Copy !req
1127. - That Don't Impress Me Much?Copy !req
1128. - Not that one either.
I'm getting there.Copy !req
1129. Let's put
our hearts together and-Copy !req
1130. - Well, those were two
of her biggest hitsCopy !req
1131. according to Billboard's
country-western charts-Copy !req
1132. - Silence!
You were saying?Copy !req
1133. - Let's make
a new AmericavilleCopy !req
1134. and a new America
from this moment on!Copy !req
1135. Aw!Copy !req
1136. - Okay, that was big too.Copy !req
1137. - Come here.Copy !req
1138. J'J"Copy !req
1139. - I guess there's nobody
for me to hug.Copy !req
1140. - Is this your stupid little
annoying dog?Copy !req
1141. - Billy!
- Billy?Copy !req
1142. I do not know
who you're talking to.Copy !req
1143. My name is Claude.Copy !req
1144. - No, silly,
the dog's name is Bill.Copy !req
1145. - You Americans give your dogs
people names?Copy !req
1146. You are as dimwitted
as you are boring.Copy !req
1147. I think I just got shot
with an arrow.Copy !req
1148. - Uh, you can all go home.
Sorry about that.Copy !req
1149. - That's okay.Copy !req
1150. And Achmed
is free to go too, right?Copy !req
1151. - Uh...Copy !req
1152. - No, I am a criminal
after all.Copy !req
1153. I do not think
there is a Shania Twain songCopy !req
1154. to help me escape paying my debt
to society.Copy !req
1155. - No One Needs to Know
is appropriate.Copy !req
1156. - LoomCopy !req
1157. - How do you like that?
It's the President!Copy !req
1158. - Of the United States?Copy !req
1159. - Yes,
the United States Motor Company!Copy !req
1160. - Uh, Mr. Ach-med,Copy !req
1161. I've just spoken
to the Attorney General,Copy !req
1162. and based on my offerCopy !req
1163. to personally vouch for
your renunciation of terrorismCopy !req
1164. and the fact
that you never accomplishedCopy !req
1165. anything destructive...Copy !req
1166. - It's true.
He blows.Copy !req
1167. - ... our government is prepared
to grant you a full,Copy !req
1168. complete,
and unconditional pardon.Copy !req
1169. - Yay!Copy !req
1170. - On one condition.
- Boo!Copy !req
1171. - That you share with me
the plans for that amazing carCopy !req
1172. that you just drove
here today.Copy !req
1173. - My car?Copy !req
1174. - Yes, you've done
the seemingly impossible.Copy !req
1175. You've created
an American-made automobileCopy !req
1176. in America that Americans
actually want to buy.Copy !req
1177. - It is a bad-ass ride.Copy !req
1178. - It's a deal.
Yay!Copy !req
1179. - On one condition.Copy !req
1180. Boo!Copy !req
1181. - No, no,
it's a good condition.Copy !req
1182. Yay!
- Yay?Copy !req
1183. - The condition is
you give creditCopy !req
1184. to the man who actually
designed this car, Wayne Wilson.Copy !req
1185. - I thought
that looked familiar.Copy !req
1186. - It should.Copy !req
1187. Hassan and I built it
based on your drawing.Copy !req
1188. The flaming skull was me.Copy !req
1189. - Hey, everyone, Carl and I
are opening a bed-and-breakfast.Copy !req
1190. Sorry, Ev.Copy !req
1191. - Well, I wondered
when you were gonnaCopy !req
1192. finally figure yourself out.Copy !req
1193. Go be happy.Copy !req
1194. Just leave me and Stan
the beach house in Roanoke.Copy !req
1195. - Stan?
- Good-bye!Copy !req
1196. I was a terrible mayor.Copy !req
1197. - This is the country
you want to live in?Copy !req
1198. - There is not a better one.Copy !req
1199. - Then maybe you can be
a referenceCopy !req
1200. for my job application?Copy !req
1201. - Former terrorist log,
love date 8/3/13.Copy !req
1202. I am now a citizen
of Americaville.Copy !req
1203. It's a good life.Copy !req
1204. Wayne and Ginny have found
their true calling.Copy !req
1205. The kids are having fun.Copy !req
1206. I've found a job
where I can use my skillsCopy !req
1207. and make people happy.Copy !req
1208. And once a week,
we all get togetherCopy !req
1209. for a bountiful feast.Copy !req
1210. Yes, all in all,
it's been one incredible year,Copy !req
1211. and the next one
will be even better.Copy !req
1212. Good night, Wayne.
- Good night, Achmed.Copy !req
1213. - Good night, Ginny.
- Good night, Achmed.Copy !req
1214. - Good night, Cassidy.
Good night, Kevin.Copy !req
1215. Good night, little Jeff.Copy !req
1216. - Good night.
- Good night!Copy !req
1217. - Good night, dog with
the dynamite in his mouth.Copy !req
1218. Uh-oh.Copy !req
1219. Good boy.Copy !req
1220. J'J"Copy !req
1221. J'J"Copy !req