1. Everyone, have your money ready.
We only have so much time.Copy !req
2. - Okay, say, "Cheers!"
- Cheers.Copy !req
3. - Say, "Beer!"
- Beer!Copy !req
4. Say, "Cheers!"Copy !req
5. Glen, you got to take
that shirt off, pal.Copy !req
6. Why?Copy !req
7. Hands, you wanna field this one?Copy !req
8. Uh, dude, you're getting
a fake IDCopy !req
9. and you're wearing a shirt that
says you're in high school.Copy !req
10. So?Copy !req
11. Okay, whatever.
I'll fix it later.Copy !req
12. Just do what you were doing.Copy !req
13. Give me some nice cat things.Copy !req
14. - B!
- Oh, hey, Schrader.Copy !req
15. What the hell is going on here?Copy !req
16. Relax, pal.Copy !req
17. Five percent goes
to your favorite charity.Copy !req
18. Uh, I forgot to tell you,
I borrowed your keys.Copy !req
19. - You borrowed my keys?
- Come on.Copy !req
20. - Well, I needed them.
- Ow.Copy !req
21. We're providing a vital service
to America's youth here.Copy !req
22. - Could we get the next in line, please?
- No, we're not. Stay there!Copy !req
23. We're contributing to
the delinquency of minors, B.Copy !req
24. Do you know what will happen
to me if I get caught?Copy !req
25. Every day after eighth period,Copy !req
26. Vice Principal Matthews
comes in here.Copy !req
27. He picks up
the women's fitness magazineCopy !req
28. and he snaps one off!Copy !req
29. - Are you serious?
- Yes.Copy !req
30. That is a problem.Copy !req
31. Uh, okay, well, we still have
the rest of eighth period, right?Copy !req
32. So, we'll just pack everybody
up and get out of here.Copy !req
33. Okay, let's go!Copy !req
34. Shit!Copy !req
35. Gaines! Gaines! Gaines!Copy !req
36. Okay, good, good.Copy !req
37. Ah, wonderful!
Vice Principal Matthews!Copy !req
38. So glad you could join us!Copy !req
39. What the hell is this?Copy !req
40. It's Glee Club practice, sir.Copy !req
41. We're just gettin' ready for Memorial Day.
It's a big one for us.Copy !req
42. We don't have a Glee Club.Copy !req
43. Not yet, we don't, sir.Copy !req
44. But as the graduating class,
we wanted to leave behindCopy !req
45. a legacy that inspires
future studentsCopy !req
46. to take initiative
rather than spend their time,Copy !req
47. I don't know, privately defacing
women's fitness magazines.Copy !req
48. I mean, I went
to read an articleCopy !req
49. about no carbs and
higher reps the other dayCopy !req
50. and the pages were...
You are a rotten egg.Copy !req
51. as if by some natural adhesive.
That'll be enough.Copy !req
52. I need to cut the poundsCopy !req
53. - and I can't open the...
- Stop it!Copy !req
54. - Whatever does it for...
- Stop it!Copy !req
55. That's all I'm gonna say.Copy !req
56. Thank God you're graduating.Copy !req
57. I'm the fourth-generation Schrader...
Sorry.Copy !req
58. To go to Harmon College, okay?
Yeah.Copy !req
59. I can't do anything
to screw that up.Copy !req
60. You know, like, I don't know,
getting busted for identity fraud.Copy !req
61. Look at you.
Would you stop, man? Relax.Copy !req
62. We're all goin'
to college, okay?Copy !req
63. This is said by the guy who's
been rejected... Hey, B.Copy !req
64. by seven schools.Copy !req
65. Hey, I'm creating
dramatic tension.Copy !req
66. I got a good feeling
about number eight! Ugh.Copy !req
67. I got in! I got in!
I got into Princeton!Copy !req
68. Yeah! Yeah!Copy !req
69. Hey, I think that guy
got into Princeton.Copy !req
70. Oh, what makes you say that?Copy !req
71. I don't know.Copy !req
72. Bartleby! Hey.Copy !req
73. Hey, how are you, Monica?
Hey, how are you?Copy !req
74. Good. Do you know Schrader?Copy !req
75. No, I don't think so. Oh!
Yes! We...Copy !req
76. I actually... We had a class.Copy !req
77. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
78. My shit was all crazy.
I sat way behind you.Copy !req
79. Yeah. Sorry.
I don't remember you, either.Copy !req
80. - Sorry.
- It's all right.Copy !req
81. Um, anyway, I really wanted
to ask you something.Copy !req
82. Sure, anything.Copy !req
83. Um, you know,
I know it's really late,Copy !req
84. but, um, last minute
and everything,Copy !req
85. but prom is coming up soon, you know?
It's okay. Yes.Copy !req
86. And I'm actually having a
party at my house beforehand.Copy !req
87. - Awesome!
- And I was wonderingCopy !req
88. if you'd like to, um...
If you could, um...Copy !req
89. - I'd love to.
- ... mow our lawn.Copy !req
90. - Mow your lawn?
- Yeah.Copy !req
91. - Oh.
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
92. Yeah. I'm really embarrassed,
but, you know,Copy !req
93. our mower's broken and my mom was
just, like, "Ask Bartleby!"Copy !req
94. That's cool!Copy !req
95. I... Yeah. Tell your mother I
would love to mow the lawn. Really?Copy !req
96. Of course.Copy !req
97. - Thank you so much.
- Yeah, sure.Copy !req
98. - Thank you.
- Hey, babe! Hey, yo, Monica! Come on!Copy !req
99. Sorry, I got to go.Copy !req
100. - But thank you, again.
- Yeah, s-sure.Copy !req
101. - You're really helping us out.
- Oh, great to see you.Copy !req
102. And, hey, it was nice to meet,
um, see you. Talk to you.Copy !req
103. Yes, yes. It was... It was
so nice catching up with you.Copy !req
104. - Yeah. Okay. Bye-bye.
- B-Bye, Monica.Copy !req
105. Hey, I'm sorry
to keep you waiting, baby.Copy !req
106. Hoyt Ambrose. Hoyt!Copy !req
107. Hoyt Ambrose.
What's that guy got that I don't have?Copy !req
108. I just need to get a car.Copy !req
109. And classic good looks.Copy !req
110. "I regret..."Copy !req
111. I can't believe
I didn't get into State!Copy !req
112. I wasn't even aiming high
with that one.Copy !req
113. That was my fallback!Copy !req
114. It was my safety school,
my fail-safe!Copy !req
115. Maybe you're just too average.Copy !req
116. Hey, time out.Copy !req
117. Too average?Copy !req
118. Okay. Okay.
Excuse me, Lizzie.Copy !req
119. R-R-Remember who
you're talkin' to here.Copy !req
120. I didn't have to go to
gym class for a whole yearCopy !req
121. 'cause I claimed
to be allergic to sweat.Copy !req
122. Or what about the time I got the note
from my doctor saying I was nocturnalCopy !req
123. and I was allowed
to study in my dreams?Copy !req
124. I got the school bully, Frank
Daley, kicked out for two yearsCopy !req
125. because he was
sexually harassing meCopy !req
126. by pushing me up against the
locker and I said I felt something.Copy !req
127. I mean, come on.
That was pure genius.Copy !req
128. Maybe if you didn't write an essay
called "I Don't Have a Clue."Copy !req
129. Well, it's true. You know?Copy !req
130. I don't have a clue what I want
to do with the rest of my life.Copy !req
131. Mom and Dad are gonna kill you.Copy !req
132. O ye of little faith.Copy !req
133. They're not gonna kill me.
Uh-huh.Copy !req
134. I just have to spin itCopy !req
135. and put it in terms
they can understand.Copy !req
136. I don't understand.Copy !req
137. I don't understand, either.Copy !req
138. Okay, I figure it like this.Copy !req
139. The average cost of college
is, what, $20,000 a year?Copy !req
140. Now, according to these estimates
that I got off the Web...Copy !req
141. You can pass those around.Copy !req
142. Someone with no education
beyond high schoolCopy !req
143. can expect to make about $20,000
a year in the current job market.Copy !req
144. Now, that being said,
over the next four years,Copy !req
145. you could either spend $80,000Copy !req
146. or I could make $80,000.Copy !req
147. Are you saying you don't
want to go to college?Copy !req
148. No. I'm saying that
it is fiscally irresponsibleCopy !req
149. for me to go to college. You know?Copy !req
150. - Are you huffing?
- Oh, God. No.Copy !req
151. Are you high?
You're huffing grass?Copy !req
152. No. I'm not huffing, Mom.
I'm not stoned. I'm completely fine.Copy !req
153. In fact, I'm more clear and
level-headed than I've ever been.Copy !req
154. Okay, cut the crap, Bartleby.Copy !req
155. Society has rules.Copy !req
156. And the first rule is you
go to college. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
157. You want to have a happy and
successful life? You go to college.Copy !req
158. If you want to be somebody,
you go to college.Copy !req
159. If you want to fit in,
you go to college.Copy !req
160. Well, you know what?
Maybe I didn't get into college.Copy !req
161. What do you mean?Copy !req
162. I didn't get accepted anywhere.Copy !req
163. Oh, Bartleby.Copy !req
164. Damn it.Copy !req
165. I knew he should've started
preparing for college in junior highCopy !req
166. like his sister.Copy !req
167. Now, she's got a shot.
I've got a shot.Copy !req
168. She's got a shot.
Listen, guys.Copy !req
169. There are plenty of successful
people who didn't go to college.Copy !req
170. Albert Einstein, you know.Copy !req
171. Pocahontas never
went to college.Copy !req
172. Corey Feldman and Corey Haim.Copy !req
173. They had a great run.Copy !req
174. Both Lewis and Clark.Copy !req
175. Suzanne Somers. Bono.Copy !req
176. I need to go
check on the cobbler.Copy !req
177. "Check the cobbler."
Glug, glug, glug.Copy !req
178. You know, I really don't care
what Sonny Bono did or didn't do.Copy !req
179. You're goin' to college.Copy !req
180. I told you so.Copy !req
181. You were adopted.Copy !req
182. Everyone,Copy !req
183. I would like to propose
a toast to our graduates.Copy !req
184. To the Class of 2006,Copy !req
185. may the next four years
of collegeCopy !req
186. be the best years of your life.Copy !req
187. Hear, hear.
Mom.Copy !req
188. Hey.
Hey, man, what's up?Copy !req
189. What's up, B?
How you doin'? What's up?Copy !req
190. Dude, I swear,
if one more person tells meCopy !req
191. how excited they are to go to
college, I'm gonna lose it.Copy !req
192. Oh, man,
I heard about the scholarship.Copy !req
193. That's insane. You're one of
the best receivers in the state.Copy !req
194. Uh, the best. And, uh,
no knee, no football, man.Copy !req
195. That sucks.
What are you gonna do now?Copy !req
196. I have no idea.Copy !req
197. That makes two of us, pal.Copy !req
198. It's fine, it's fine, it's
fine, it's fine, it's fine.Copy !req
199. Hey, Rory. What's goin' on?
Oh, hey. What? Fine. Nothing.Copy !req
200. Um, I... I didn't get into Yale.Copy !req
201. I did... I didn't,
I didn't get into Yale.Copy !req
202. I didn't...
I didn't get into Yale.Copy !req
203. What? I can't
believe that!Copy !req
204. Well, there's no room
for Rory at Yale.Copy !req
205. Too many rich kids
with mediocre gradesCopy !req
206. and well-connected parents
this year, I guess.Copy !req
207. No room for Rory,
who's been workingCopy !req
208. since first grade
to get into Yale.Copy !req
209. Rory, who only applied
to Yale and nowhere else.Copy !req
210. I had it all planned!Copy !req
211. It was perfect, B!
Perfect!Copy !req
212. And now
it's nothing! Nada!Copy !req
213. It's a goose egg!Copy !req
214. Okay. Well.Copy !req
215. God, Rory! Rory!Copy !req
216. She's handling that really well.Copy !req
217. College is for pussies!Copy !req
218. All right.
I got to get out of here, pal.Copy !req
219. Hang in there.
All right, man. You, too.Copy !req
220. Bartleby! Hey! Oh, hey, Mr. Schrader.
I was actually just...Copy !req
221. Did you have any cake?Copy !req
222. No, you know,
I'm not much of a cake guy.Copy !req
223. Oh, it is a hell of a cake.Copy !req
224. It is the same cake we got for Scotty
and Seth when they got into Harmon.Copy !req
225. Oh, ah, everything
comes full circle.Copy !req
226. Jay! How are ya, bud?
Oh, I really don't...Copy !req
227. Hey, Stu.
Hey.Copy !req
228. I can't imagine your pride,
knowing your youngestCopy !req
229. is headed off to a good college.
Must take a load off.Copy !req
230. Yeah, well, not to mentionCopy !req
231. the load it takes off
my bank account.Copy !req
232. Dad.Copy !req
233. Nothin' like gettin' a load off!Copy !req
234. What about you, Bartleby?Copy !req
235. That's a good question,
Mr. Harkin.Copy !req
236. What's with the questions,
Mr. Trebek?Copy !req
237. Where you goin'?Copy !req
238. Um, I... I., well...Copy !req
239. I didn't really, uh...Copy !req
240. Bartleby screwed around and
now he's not goin' to college.Copy !req
241. He's thrown his life away.Copy !req
242. Yeah, that's...
that's what I was gonna say. Thanks, Dad.Copy !req
243. Wait. South Harmon
Institute of Technology?Copy !req
244. Yeah. B, you realize that
makes it S.H.I.T., right?Copy !req
245. S.H.I.T.?
I was wingin' it. Whatever.Copy !req
246. Just finish building
the website, please.Copy !req
247. This is the act of a desperate,
wildly unrealistic person.Copy !req
248. Yo, B, you have to hook me up with
one of these acceptance letters, bro.Copy !req
249. Are you kidding me? No way.
Why not?Copy !req
250. Oh, come on. The only way this is
gonna work is if we keep it quiet.Copy !req
251. And even then,
it's still a long shot.Copy !req
252. Dude, I don't care.
I have to do somethin'.Copy !req
253. The minute
I lost my scholarship,Copy !req
254. my pop started talkin' about
me getting my own bus route.Copy !req
255. Help me. Please?
Mmm.Copy !req
256. You know something?Copy !req
257. For the safety of the public,
I can't let you drive a bus.Copy !req
258. Sweet.
But listen to me.Copy !req
259. This is just a temporary
stopgap measure, okay?Copy !req
260. Nothing more.
Gotcha.Copy !req
261. Bravo, guys. Great.
Both of you guys.Copy !req
262. Let's start this fake college. And then
we'll go start a meth lab somewhere.Copy !req
263. Come on. It's a gateway crime.
What?Copy !req
264. That's how these things start.Copy !req
265. You know something, Schrader,Copy !req
266. you got into a great college.Copy !req
267. And your future's
lookin' really good,Copy !req
268. and I'm psyched for you, pal, 'cause
you're my best friend and I love you.Copy !req
269. I'm talking about me coming to
you, asking for your help.Copy !req
270. Just finish the damn website.Copy !req
271. Please.Copy !req
272. What do you say?Copy !req
273. There he is!
Fine.Copy !req
274. Get off me, you idiot.Copy !req
275. But we need some sort of, like,
mission statement or something.Copy !req
276. Your dad's gonna want to see that.
I know him, he's a hard-ass.Copy !req
277. Hey, kids. Honey!Copy !req
278. Hey. Hi. How are you? Hey.Copy !req
279. What's this?Copy !req
280. South Harmon Institute of Technology?
What's that?Copy !req
281. Mmm? What's that?Copy !req
282. One of the most respected schools
in the area, that's what that is.Copy !req
283. Well, what's it say?Copy !req
284. I gotta open it first.Copy !req
285. Come on, hurry.Copy !req
286. Oh. I'm nervous.Copy !req
287. "Dear Bartleby,Copy !req
288. "congratulations,
you've been accepted!"Copy !req
289. I got in!Copy !req
290. Aw, thank God. Thank God.
I got in!Copy !req
291. Hey-o!
Oh! God!Copy !req
292. Honey.
I'm okay.Copy !req
293. Hey, this is great!Copy !req
294. It's so exciting!Copy !req
295. What the hell is South Harmon
Institute of Technology? Yeah.Copy !req
296. Oh, it's one of Harmon
College's sister schools.Copy !req
297. I've never heard of it.Copy !req
298. Well, because
it's the baby sister.Copy !req
299. It's the most discreet and
unharmed of the sister schools.Copy !req
300. You got any literature
on this place?Copy !req
301. Yeah, there's a website,
I'll show you the link.Copy !req
302. You did it.
You're a college boy.Copy !req
303. Wow.Copy !req
304. So you guys want to eat?
Yeah.Copy !req
305. Hey! I hate my life.Copy !req
306. I'm a huge tool.Copy !req
307. Have fun being hot.Copy !req
308. Bartleby!Copy !req
309. Hey, Dad, what's up?Copy !req
310. I took a look at that website.Copy !req
311. Oh.Copy !req
312. Cool.Copy !req
313. It looks unreal.Copy !req
314. Unreal?Copy !req
315. Yeah, it looks
pretty unbelievable, huh?Copy !req
316. It seems like a solid place.Copy !req
317. Really?Copy !req
318. Here you go.Copy !req
319. First semester's tuition.
Paid in full.Copy !req
320. That's great.Copy !req
321. Wow, thank you, Dad.Copy !req
322. Oh, sorry. Sorry.Copy !req
323. Thanks, Dad.Copy !req
324. Your mother and I
can't wait to drop you off.Copy !req
325. What we need to do
is lease a place near HarmonCopy !req
326. so we can fool our parents.
Yeah.Copy !req
327. Hey, Schrad, do you know any
places up near Harmon we can rent?Copy !req
328. Oh, yeah, I do, actually.Copy !req
329. I carry around a list
with me at all timesCopy !req
330. of abandoned buildings
for fake colleges.Copy !req
331. Dude, I started you guys
a bank account already.Copy !req
332. What do you want me to be,
your realtor?Copy !req
333. Oh, hey, guys.
What's up?Copy !req
334. Hey, what's up, Glen?Copy !req
335. Hey.
Hey, Glen,Copy !req
336. when did you start working
at the Kwik 'N Stop?Copy !req
337. Since I got boned, hard,
by every college I applied to.Copy !req
338. Why, what happened?Copy !req
339. Some political crap.Copy !req
340. I got a zero on my SATs.Copy !req
341. You know you get 600 pointsCopy !req
342. just for signing
your name, right?Copy !req
343. All right,
let's get serious, man.Copy !req
344. Now, where we gonna find a
place to pass off as a college?Copy !req
345. Hey, guys! I know a place.Copy !req
346. How'd you know about this place?Copy !req
347. I used to do
volunteer work here.Copy !req
348. This place is awesome.Copy !req
349. 'Cause now I can
finally get hepatitis.Copy !req
350. A bird in the hand, dude.
A bird in the hand.Copy !req
351. That doesn't make any sense.Copy !req
352. It's a saying.
What?Copy !req
353. A diamond in the rough.Copy !req
354. Hope you guys
have hobo-stab insurance.Copy !req
355. Great.
The birthplace of crack.Copy !req
356. Hello, beautiful.Copy !req
357. Hey! Hey, guys,
don't go in there.Copy !req
358. This is breaking and entering.Copy !req
359. Schrader, come on.
Don't be scared.Copy !req
360. Who's scared? I'm not scared.
You're scared.Copy !req
361. Schrader, you were scared to try
the new flavor of Dr. Pepper.Copy !req
362. I told you that
in confidence, Hands.Copy !req
363. Schrader, you were afraid
when your tooth fell out,Copy !req
364. because you were terrified
of the tooth fairy.Copy !req
365. That's actually
a legitimate fear.Copy !req
366. She was rifling through my shit.Copy !req
367. Okay, Fine, whatever,
dude, stay here.Copy !req
368. Fine. I will.Copy !req
369. Okay, guys, seriously,Copy !req
370. I don't want to be here alone
when the walls start to bleed.Copy !req
371. We don't have
to renovate the whole place.Copy !req
372. We just have to focus
on essential areas.Copy !req
373. We got the... the main lobby.
Hallway.Copy !req
374. Dorm rooms.
Dorm rooms, exactly.Copy !req
375. I think this could really work.
Huh? It's awesome!Copy !req
376. Can you hold that?
Yeah.Copy !req
377. Guys, a little can-do
attitude, some elbow grease,Copy !req
378. maybe a smile from Schrader.Copy !req
379. It's like cleaning up
your room, you know?Copy !req
380. Welcome to the South Harmon
Institute of Technology.Copy !req
381. Atta baby.
The beginning of good things.Copy !req
382. Yeah.Copy !req
383. Schrader,
what the hell was that?Copy !req
384. Um, this is embarrassing.Copy !req
385. Are you kidding?Copy !req
386. It would be really coolCopy !req
387. if you guys wouldn't tell
people I scream like that.Copy !req
388. Ready, set, go.Copy !req
389. Whoo!
All right.Copy !req
390. Uh, whoa, Glen.Copy !req
391. Oh, hey, B.Copy !req
392. What are you doing here, buddy?Copy !req
393. Rory told me about it.Copy !req
394. What are you doing? We were gonna
keep this place a big secret.Copy !req
395. But he didn't have
any place to go.Copy !req
396. He got fired
from the Kwik 'N Stop.Copy !req
397. Is that true? Why'd you...
Why'd you get fired?Copy !req
398. I got fired
for making a shrimp slushee.Copy !req
399. That's disgusting.
See?Copy !req
400. Why would you do that, pal?Copy !req
401. 'Cause I was hungry and thirsty.Copy !req
402. Oh, God.Copy !req
403. This kitchen is bitchin'!Copy !req
404. And this'll be the bath...Copy !req
405. Close the door.
Shit!Copy !req
406. Close it!Copy !req
407. It takes 10,000 steps
to get from here to greatness.Copy !req
408. And this right here,Copy !req
409. this is step one.Copy !req
410. Good luck, Son.Copy !req
411. Mister Ambrose, do you know what
makes Harmon a great college?Copy !req
412. Rejection.Copy !req
413. The exclusivity
of any universityCopy !req
414. is judged primarily
by the amount of studentsCopy !req
415. it rejects.Copy !req
416. Unfortunately,
for the last few years,Copy !req
417. we have been unable to
match the amount of studentsCopy !req
418. that Yale, Princeton,
or even Stanford rejects,Copy !req
419. primarily because
of our physical limitations.Copy !req
420. But all that is about to change.Copy !req
421. Yale has one, Princeton has one.Copy !req
422. And now Harmon College will haveCopy !req
423. the prestigious entranceway
it deserves.Copy !req
424. A verdant buffer zoneCopy !req
425. to keep knowledge in,
and ignorance out.Copy !req
426. That is a great idea, sir.
Yes, it is.Copy !req
427. Now, you, Mr. Ambrose,
are chairmanCopy !req
428. of the Student Community
Outreach Committee.Copy !req
429. I need you to secure
all these decrepit propertiesCopy !req
430. in the neighboring community.Copy !req
431. So that we can demolish them
to make roomCopy !req
432. for the Van Horne Gateway.Copy !req
433. You know what?Copy !req
434. This actually looks
like the real deal.Copy !req
435. Guys, I don't want to be
too overly optimistic,Copy !req
436. but I think this could work.Copy !req
437. It really looks
professional. Hello.Copy !req
438. Hey, kid,
where the hell are you?Copy !req
439. Oh, I'm, uh...
Listen.Copy !req
440. I took another look
at that website.Copy !req
441. What's all this "be
what you want to be" crap?Copy !req
442. No, no, Dad, they just...
they just have to say stuff like thatCopy !req
443. just to keep from being sued.Copy !req
444. Yeah, well, sounds like
a bunch of crap to me.Copy !req
445. Glen, go long.
Set up a meeting with the dean.Copy !req
446. The dean? Jesus.
Mother of hell!Copy !req
447. Your college does
have a dean, doesn't it?Copy !req
448. I'm good! Yes,
of course the college has a dean.Copy !req
449. Dad, you know, he's a busy
guy, though, you know,Copy !req
450. he can't just, uh,
set up a meeting with parents.Copy !req
451. Listen. If I'm paying for it,
I'm meeting with the dean.Copy !req
452. I want to make sure you have the same
education I did. A real education.Copy !req
453. Dinner's at 8:00. Wait, Dad, Dad,
Dad, I can't... I can't... Aw, shit.Copy !req
454. I gotta trim this corner right here.
I think I got poisoned.Copy !req
455. What's up, B?
We got a little problem.Copy !req
456. What?
Who was that, Bartleby?Copy !req
457. We gotta find a dean.Copy !req
458. In life, it's important to
distinguish between need and want.Copy !req
459. You think you want something because
you've been conditioned to want it.Copy !req
460. I want the Pump!Copy !req
461. I don't got the Pump.Copy !req
462. Look, oh, I got the
Tim Duncan Adidas Cool-D's.Copy !req
463. I want the Pump!Copy !req
464. Listen,
you insolent little snot,Copy !req
465. there are kids right now in Asia who
are sewing your stupid shoes together,Copy !req
466. so that their family can have
a bowl of rice to eat tonight!Copy !req
467. This is the worst idea
of all time.Copy !req
468. Your Uncle Ben
used to be a genius.Copy !req
469. He'll be fine.
Mom!Copy !req
470. What did you do?Copy !req
471. You're the one who
emotionally crippled the kid.Copy !req
472. You know what?
Maybe he's retarded.Copy !req
473. I'm glad my mother's dead.Copy !req
474. He's just having a bad day.Copy !req
475. Oh, my gosh.Copy !req
476. You want me to be the dean
of your college?Copy !req
477. No, I want you
to pretend to be the dean.Copy !req
478. It's just for one day.Copy !req
479. Uh, perhaps young Sherman
didn't share this with you.Copy !req
480. I've retired, I'm no longer
a shaper of young minds.Copy !req
481. Oh, really?Copy !req
482. Yeah, well, technically,
he was fired.Copy !req
483. That's not true. I got fed up
with the education racket.Copy !req
484. So I quit.Copy !req
485. I did send in my resignationCopy !req
486. in a rather unorthodox fashion.Copy !req
487. You sent the dean of the
university a bag of dog shit.Copy !req
488. It was a metaphor.
For what?Copy !req
489. For "You're full of shit!"
Oh.Copy !req
490. That's not a metaphor.
That's a metaphor.Copy !req
491. Oh, semantics, schmantics.Copy !req
492. Three years from now,
I'm finished with this crap.Copy !req
493. I'm goin' to Papua New Guinea.
I'm outta here.Copy !req
494. Wh-Where...
Where you going?Copy !req
495. I'm going off the grid.Copy !req
496. No more, uh, franchises,
no more Botox,Copy !req
497. no more "Eh, oh,
let's clone another goat."Copy !req
498. And certainly no more
sexual harassment suits.Copy !req
499. What's wrong with saying,
"Hey! Nice tits."Copy !req
500. When did that go out the window?Copy !req
501. Okay, Ben, all I'm asking youCopy !req
502. is just shake a couple hands
with some parents,Copy !req
503. say, "Hi, I'm the dean,"
whatever.Copy !req
504. What if we pay you?Copy !req
505. Don't sully my dignity
with your cash.Copy !req
506. There you are!
Did you make another child cry?Copy !req
507. It's not my fault the kid's a crybaby!
Little dipshit.Copy !req
508. You're an asshole!
You're an asshole.Copy !req
509. You are an asshole.
And you're fired.Copy !req
510. Perhaps it is time to move on.Copy !req
511. But I get to bring my house.Copy !req
512. Deal.Copy !req
513. Right or left?
Right.Copy !req
514. Whose right?
Your call.Copy !req
515. You're an idiot!
You're upset.Copy !req
516. Go with what you feel.Copy !req
517. You got about 12 feet.Copy !req
518. Perfect.Copy !req
519. Asshole.Copy !req
520. Okay, smiles, everyone.Copy !req
521. First day at college.Copy !req
522. What's up with these colors?
Shit brown? Really?Copy !req
523. Glen picked 'em.
Of course he did.Copy !req
524. Where'd you find
all these people?Copy !req
525. Uh, I volunteer at an
English-as-a-second-language program.Copy !req
526. These are my students.
I told them if they wanted to pass,Copy !req
527. they'd have to
successfully assimilateCopy !req
528. into the American
college environment.Copy !req
529. Whoa! The parents are here!Copy !req
530. Okay!
We're on, guys!Copy !req
531. Okay, people, it's showtime!Copy !req
532. Wow.Copy !req
533. No frills around here.
Oh, none at all.Copy !req
534. None of that, uh, that ivy, or gargoyles,
or mahogany, it's the real deal.Copy !req
535. The real deal, huh?Copy !req
536. This is it, kid.
This is it.Copy !req
537. The big moment. Take this in.
Ah.Copy !req
538. It's exciting, it's scary.Copy !req
539. It's really scary.
Oh, look! Oh, it looks great.Copy !req
540. Okay.Copy !req
541. What's going on here?Copy !req
542. Okay, we lost
one of the campers.Copy !req
543. Curious campers.Copy !req
544. What are you doing?
Don't do that. Don't do that.Copy !req
545. Honey.Copy !req
546. Take it easy.
Okay, here we are. Let's...Copy !req
547. What the devil is that?
Oh.Copy !req
548. That's just a surge
of collegiate energy.Copy !req
549. It's college for you.Copy !req
550. Take a left up here
for the dorm room, Dad.Copy !req
551. Oh, uh, can you
hang on a second?Copy !req
552. I just really gotta go to the
bathroom a minute, you know.Copy !req
553. Oh, Jesus Christ.
I just wanna...Copy !req
554. No, no, no, no, no!Copy !req
555. Uh, it's, that's,
it's the men's room.Copy !req
556. You can't go in there.Copy !req
557. Well, can't you just
stand outside...Copy !req
558. Diane, can't you wait
till we get to the restaurant?Copy !req
559. Hey, I'll see you, Rasheed.
I'll see you in math class.Copy !req
560. You owe me 30 bucks, by the way.Copy !req
561. You jokester.Copy !req
562. Here we are. You remember Hands.
Hey, Mrs. Gaines.Copy !req
563. Hey, hi.
The fam.Copy !req
564. You look great.
Well, thank you.Copy !req
565. When I first saw it, I was
like, I gotta live here?Copy !req
566. I can't believe this.
But it's a dorm room.Copy !req
567. Mr. Gaines.
Daryl, how are you, partner?Copy !req
568. Oh, thunder grip.Copy !req
569. Why are there bars
on the window?Copy !req
570. Oh, that's so nobody
accidentally gets thrown out.Copy !req
571. It's fine.
It's a good learning environment.Copy !req
572. Not a lot of extras.
You'll study harder.Copy !req
573. Yes. We will, because of the
blue and the sparse walls.Copy !req
574. I agree with you, sir.Copy !req
575. What are these?Copy !req
576. That's in case of an earthquake.Copy !req
577. Uh, never mind that.
Hey, let's go meet the dean.Copy !req
578. Huh?
The dean.Copy !req
579. Come here, honey.
Come on.Copy !req
580. Which way?
Take a right there, Mom.Copy !req
581. It's gonna be fun.Copy !req
582. You know, a lot of people sayCopy !req
583. that college is the time
when young men and womenCopy !req
584. expand the way
that they look at their world,Copy !req
585. when they open their minds
to new ideas and experiencesCopy !req
586. and when they begin
that long journeyCopy !req
587. from the innocence of youthCopy !req
588. to the responsibilities
of adulthood.Copy !req
589. Now isn't that
a load of horseshit?Copy !req
590. W-What?Copy !req
591. Could you explain that
to us a little more?Copy !req
592. Uh, Dean Lewis,
why don't you tell themCopy !req
593. a little bit about the
philosophy here at South Harmon?Copy !req
594. Look, we throw a lot of fancy
words in front of these kids,Copy !req
595. in order to attract them
to going to school,Copy !req
596. in the belief that they're
gonna have a better life.Copy !req
597. And we all know
that all we're doingCopy !req
598. is breeding
a whole new generationCopy !req
599. of buyers and sellers.Copy !req
600. Buyers and sellers!Copy !req
601. Pimps and whores.
Pimps and whores!Copy !req
602. And indoctrinating them into a
life-long hell of debt and indecision.Copy !req
603. I...
Um...Copy !req
604. I... I just don't understand.Copy !req
605. Do I have
to spoon-feed it to you?Copy !req
606. Look, there's only one reasonCopy !req
607. that kids want to go to school.Copy !req
608. Holy shit.Copy !req
609. Which is?Copy !req
610. To get a good job.Copy !req
611. To get a good job,
with a great starting salary.Copy !req
612. I couldn't agree more.Copy !req
613. It is so refreshing
to have somebodyCopy !req
614. approach education
so rationally.Copy !req
615. Fuckin' A!Copy !req
616. Well, Dad. Ow.Copy !req
617. Oh, Mom.Copy !req
618. You make us proud, kiddo.Copy !req
619. I'll try, Dad.Copy !req
620. Don't worry about
anything, okay?Copy !req
621. Bye, honey.
Seat belts.Copy !req
622. Spread your wings.Copy !req
623. I'm gonna fly.
You gotta let me fly.Copy !req
624. Bye, Lizzie.
Bye!Copy !req
625. Bye!Copy !req
626. So what do we do now?Copy !req
627. Well, my friend,
we're in college now.Copy !req
628. We can do whatever we want.Copy !req
629. Gotta hand it to you, B.Copy !req
630. Kids everywhere are busting
their ass in the classroom,Copy !req
631. and we're killing aliens, dude.Copy !req
632. This is way better than learning.
We are learning here, pal.Copy !req
633. We're learning the dire cost to
civilization when diplomacy fails.Copy !req
634. We're learning political
science right now.Copy !req
635. What the...
What the hell is that?Copy !req
636. Who is it?Copy !req
637. Abernathy Darwin Dunlap, sir.Copy !req
638. Hi, there!Copy !req
639. What's your name?Copy !req
640. My name's
Abernathy Darwin Dunlap.Copy !req
641. But you could call me A.D.D.,Copy !req
642. on account of the fact
that I have A.D.D.,Copy !req
643. which is Attention Deficit
Disorder and you know,Copy !req
644. everyone used to think it was just
an addiction to sugar when I was six,Copy !req
645. and my mom used to cry because
she thought I would never be,Copy !req
646. like, a fully functioning
member of society,Copy !req
647. like my neighbor
who has Legionnaire's Disease.Copy !req
648. Oh...Copy !req
649. This is no longer
a mental health facility.Copy !req
650. I'm so sorry we can't help you.Copy !req
651. Good luck to you, pal.
I don't need a hospital!Copy !req
652. Okay, okay, wh-wh-what
are you doing here, then?Copy !req
653. Well, unless
I misread the website,Copy !req
654. I'm here for orientation!Copy !req
655. Oh, you scared me for a second.
In more ways than one.Copy !req
656. Uh, you're looking
for Harmon College,Copy !req
657. it's just right on up the hill.Copy !req
658. But good luck, have fun.
Go, Harmon.Copy !req
659. No! I'm looking for South
Harmon Institute of TechnologyCopy !req
660. because, well,
it's the only place I got acceptedCopy !req
661. and I'm looking
to pursue my degree in EnglishCopy !req
662. or law or animal husbandry
or anything really!Copy !req
663. Did you just say
you got accepted here?Copy !req
664. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah,
we all did.Copy !req
665. What?Copy !req
666. Thank you so much!Copy !req
667. Oh, God.
Holy balls.Copy !req
668. I'm sorry.Copy !req
669. Move, fool.Copy !req
670. Oh, look, there's my old
girlfriend, Sara Pelfan.Copy !req
671. You broke my heart!Copy !req
672. Please.Copy !req
673. Oh, uh, sorry, sorry.
No parents allowed past this point.Copy !req
674. It's part of our philosophy
here at South Harmon.Copy !req
675. We need to mold
your kids into individuals,Copy !req
676. and the first step is toCopy !req
677. sever the ties of
the parent-child relationship.Copy !req
678. Take him.Copy !req
679. We're just glad
Larry got in some place.Copy !req
680. He's your problem now.Copy !req
681. Bye, hon. No biting!Copy !req
682. Hey, Larry.Copy !req
683. Okay, good talk.
Go on in there.Copy !req
684. You're gonna fit right in,
Larry. Unfortunately.Copy !req
685. What are we gonna do?Copy !req
686. This is supposed to be a secret.Copy !req
687. Yeah, well, I guess
the secret's out.Copy !req
688. You go check the P.O.
box, I'm gonna go find Schrader, okay?Copy !req
689. Hey, pledge guy,
welcome to B.K.E. House.Copy !req
690. Can I take your blazer for you?Copy !req
691. Get in there, your future
is right in there.Copy !req
692. Thank you.
All right.Copy !req
693. Oh, shit.Copy !req
694. Oh, my gosh.
I'm so sorry. Sorry.Copy !req
695. Bartleby. Hey, how are you?
Hey, how you doing?Copy !req
696. Good. I'm so sorry
about your jacket.Copy !req
697. Dude, don't worry about it. It's...
It's not even my jacket.Copy !req
698. Perfect.
So, what are you doing here?Copy !req
699. I'm, I'm looking for Schrader,
actually. Have you seen him?Copy !req
700. Uh, no, I haven't.Copy !req
701. Hey, I'm Sherman Schrader.Copy !req
702. I'll catch up with you.Copy !req
703. Hey.Copy !req
704. I'm Sherman Schrader. Okay.Copy !req
705. This is fun.
I'm just gonna hang backCopy !req
706. while you guys shoot around
and stuff, you know.Copy !req
707. Oh, shit.Copy !req
708. I got it.Copy !req
709. Oh.
That's a... It's a G chord.Copy !req
710. I used to play
in a Cranberries tribute band.Copy !req
711. Uh, we disbanded.Copy !req
712. Hey, you're Sherman Schrader.
Yeah.Copy !req
713. Hoyt Ambrose.
Yes, right. I know.Copy !req
714. Yes. You are the president
of this whole fraternity.Copy !req
715. That's right. Right.
You date Monica Moreland.Copy !req
716. That I do.
Right.Copy !req
717. I think about her
when I masturbate.Copy !req
718. What?
What?Copy !req
719. I didn't mean to say that.Copy !req
720. Yeah. So, uh, Sherman's father pledged
alongside my father back in the day.Copy !req
721. Oh, so you're the legacy.Copy !req
722. That's right. Legacy!Copy !req
723. You need... You probably
need this to play, actually.Copy !req
724. Was it here?Copy !req
725. Uh, was it there? Was it...Copy !req
726. So... So do you go
to school here now, or...Copy !req
727. I don't. Uh,
I go to South Harmon.Copy !req
728. Did you say South Harmon?Copy !req
729. Yes, I did.Copy !req
730. Oh, what's that?
Hmm?Copy !req
731. Wha-What's South Harmon?Copy !req
732. South Harmon is...
It's a college,Copy !req
733. just a very small college.
Teeny, tiny college.Copy !req
734. That's great.
Well, congratulations to you. Thank you.Copy !req
735. Hey, sweetie.
Hey!Copy !req
736. Oh, my gosh,
I was so excited for you...Copy !req
737. Actually, can you just give me
just one sec, okay? Thanks.Copy !req
738. Hey, winner, Hoyt Ambrose.Copy !req
739. Floyd Pambrose.Copy !req
740. That's weird.
Our names rhyme.Copy !req
741. Yeah, that is pretty weird.Copy !req
742. That's kind of crazy.
Welcome to B.K.E.Copy !req
743. Thanks. It's great.
I love it here.Copy !req
744. All the sexually repressed energy.
Oh.Copy !req
745. I love it. A lot of anti-Semitism,
but under the rug, you know.Copy !req
746. I like it, I like the way
you handle your business.Copy !req
747. Thanks. Thanks a lot.Copy !req
748. Well, hey, why don't you just
hang around and meet some guys?Copy !req
749. Oh, no, thanks, man,
I'm not into guys.Copy !req
750. I totally respect your lifestyle
choice, though. And good luck with it.Copy !req
751. Your parents probably
don't get it, but I do.Copy !req
752. I'll see you later, Monica.
Bye. It was good to see you.Copy !req
753. I'll see you later, Thor.
I mean Dirk.Copy !req
754. Uh, I mean Trent.
Sorry, Troy.Copy !req
755. Whoop, sorry, Goldie.Copy !req
756. Schrader, where you been?
I've been calling you for half an hour.Copy !req
757. What the hell, man?
I'm in the middle of rush.Copy !req
758. I don't care, man.
I got a situation goin' on.Copy !req
759. This is huge for me, all right?Copy !req
760. You can't be here right now.
Okay, okay, okay.Copy !req
761. Remember that time we had to steal
my mom's birth control pills?Copy !req
762. Yeah, and then Lizzie was born.
It's worse than that.Copy !req
763. Where did these people
come from?Copy !req
764. Oh, from the chaos catalog.
They were going out of business.Copy !req
765. What is happening?
I'll tell you what's happening.Copy !req
766. I told you to make the website
look legitimate, not functional.Copy !req
767. Hey, you wanted to fool your dad.
And the guy's not an idiot.Copy !req
768. And, also, it was your idea to put
"Acceptance is just one click away."Copy !req
769. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put it as one click
away, you don't make it clickable.Copy !req
770. Oh, my...
Holy shit.Copy !req
771. Yeah.Copy !req
772. They all paid
first semester's tuition?Copy !req
773. Oh, yeah.
10,000 bucks apiece.Copy !req
774. I stopped counting
after the first 100 checks.Copy !req
775. That's $74,000,000.Copy !req
776. It's $1,000,000, Glen.Copy !req
777. Yeah. In human dollars.Copy !req
778. Okay, okay, okay.
We gotta do something.Copy !req
779. Hey, don't look at me.
Ask one of the founding fathers.Copy !req
780. B?Copy !req
781. This isn't my deal, man.Copy !req
782. I told you this was a
bad idea from the get-go.Copy !req
783. True.Copy !req
784. We could have a Battle Royale.Copy !req
785. Wow.
What is that?Copy !req
786. B, you gotta
tell these people to go home.Copy !req
787. You are absolutely right,
my friend.Copy !req
788. I started this,
I'm gonna finish it.Copy !req
789. Thank you.Copy !req
790. Go.Copy !req
791. Hey. Hey, Glen!Copy !req
792. All right.Copy !req
793. Sorry. Sorry, sorry.Copy !req
794. Excuse me. I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, everybody.Copy !req
795. Can I... Can I just get your
attention for one minute?Copy !req
796. Um, yeah, I'll be taking
questions in a minute.Copy !req
797. Just give me one second, please.
Hold on. All right.Copy !req
798. Who the hell are you?Copy !req
799. Ah-ah. Okay.Copy !req
800. That's a good question.
Thank you.Copy !req
801. My name's Bartleby. Hello.Copy !req
802. Um, Gaines, for what it's worth.Copy !req
803. And, um, you know
on the website how it said,Copy !req
804. "Acceptance is just
one click away"?Copy !req
805. Do you remember that?Copy !req
806. We had intended...
Hold on.Copy !req
807. We added that because we were...
Aw, shit.Copy !req
808. Yeah, okay, what... I'm sorry.
What... What... What do you want?Copy !req
809. When I got accepted here,Copy !req
810. it was the first time my parents
ever said they were proud of me!Copy !req
811. That's cool.
Um, that's cool, man.Copy !req
812. Hey, uh, just show of hands,
how many people applied to other colleges?Copy !req
813. Everybody. Uh, okay.Copy !req
814. And how many of you got in to
the other places you applied to?Copy !req
815. Nobody.Copy !req
816. Nobody got in anywhere else?Copy !req
817. And you know what?
I didn't, either.Copy !req
818. I didn't get into
a real college.Copy !req
819. A really, really good college.Copy !req
820. I know what it's like
to be rejected. It sucks.Copy !req
821. Rejection blows.
Being said no to.Copy !req
822. You know what, I'm sorry,
you're just not quite good enough.Copy !req
823. You didn't have
enough extracurriculars.Copy !req
824. You didn't play enough tennis.Copy !req
825. You didn't study hard enough for your
scores. So you're not gonna make it.Copy !req
826. You know what? Screw that!Copy !req
827. What's he doing?Copy !req
828. I think he's winging it.Copy !req
829. Shouldn't we all have
the chance to be said yes to?Copy !req
830. At South Harmon,
we say yes to you!Copy !req
831. We say yes to your hopes.Copy !req
832. We say yes to your dreams.Copy !req
833. We say yes to your flaws!
So welcome!Copy !req
834. Grab a room, grab a friend,Copy !req
835. grab yourself,
we don't give a shit.Copy !req
836. Welcome to South Harmon
Institute of Technology!Copy !req
837. Oh, man.Copy !req
838. And welcome to S.H.I.T.!Copy !req
839. You! I love you!Copy !req
840. What are you doing?Copy !req
841. Do you realize
how stupid this is?Copy !req
842. You invited everyone to a
college that doesn't exist.Copy !req
843. I... I just couldn't do it,
okay? You saw their faces.Copy !req
844. They got rejected
from everywhere.Copy !req
845. What... What kind of message does that
send if I reject them from my college?Copy !req
846. You don't have a college!Copy !req
847. Hey, hey, hey,
where's the bookstore?Copy !req
848. Oh, we have a deal with Amazon.Copy !req
849. You just buy 'em
with a credit card.Copy !req
850. When do we sign up for classes?Copy !req
851. Uh, we extended orientation.
You're fine.Copy !req
852. Hey, man, where the heck
do we eat around here?Copy !req
853. Uh, Glen, uh, 300 pizzas.
Order them.Copy !req
854. 18 pizza pockets.
What? No, no, no. 3...Copy !req
855. Hey, who do I give
my intuition money to?Copy !req
856. Who? What?
Me, I guess.Copy !req
857. I'm done fishing singles
out of my G-string.Copy !req
858. I'm a college girl now!
Aw, yeah.Copy !req
859. Wow.Copy !req
860. Uh, B, hey, uh,
you just started a fictional college.Copy !req
861. Oh, God. Yeah, yeah, okay.Copy !req
862. Hey, do you guys have
a swim team here?Copy !req
863. Yes, you know what? This is Hands Holloway.
He's the Athletic Director.Copy !req
864. He can help you with anything you
need to know. I can't do it right now.Copy !req
865. Thank you, though, thank you,
I'm sorry.Copy !req
866. Uh, you guys, what are we gonna do now?
I just need a minute to think.Copy !req
867. What? What the...
Holy shit!Copy !req
868. Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Tex!Copy !req
869. What the hell
are you guys doing?Copy !req
870. What do you mean?
We're makin' the room bigger!Copy !req
871. Yeah, Thorgeous,
but this is my room.Copy !req
872. Who's in charge of room
assignments around here, anyway?Copy !req
873. Guys, I'd like you to meet Rory.Copy !req
874. She is the resident S.H.I.T.
room assignmenter.Copy !req
875. And she'll be more than happy
to help you out with that. Okay?Copy !req
876. Okay, uh, I...
I guess I'll show you your rooms.Copy !req
877. Follow me.
Thanks.Copy !req
878. Sorry about the wall.Copy !req
879. Oh, it's fine.
Don't worry about it, man.Copy !req
880. It happens all the time.
No problem.Copy !req
881. Yeah, well, we actually
do have a problemCopy !req
882. because you don't know
how to run a college.Copy !req
883. It's fine. It's okay.
It's fine.Copy !req
884. We'll just relax, get some sleep,
we'll regroup tomorrow morning.Copy !req
885. It will be totally calm.Copy !req
886. Ahoy! Scallywags
and scally-ladies.Copy !req
887. Okay, dude, B, I'm with you
on this, I am.Copy !req
888. But we need a plan, dude.
We need a plan now.Copy !req
889. I know. I know.
I... I... I... I'm processing.Copy !req
890. You're gonna need
to process faster.Copy !req
891. What is... Why are the...
Find out what's going on.Copy !req
892. - Yo!
- Ah, there's my college man.Copy !req
893. How you doin', kid?Copy !req
894. Dad, now is not the... the...
the best time to talk.Copy !req
895. Hang on, let me get your mother.Copy !req
896. Can I have this?
Come here, let me talk to you.Copy !req
897. Diane, pick up!
Honey! Is it you?Copy !req
898. Stop yellin' in the damn phone.Copy !req
899. Oh, it feels like ages
since we've spoken to you.Copy !req
900. How's school so far?Copy !req
901. Oh, it's going great.
It's going really...Copy !req
902. Hey, someone here
order two dozen kegs?Copy !req
903. The... The... The old guy
with the hat, playing craps.Copy !req
904. What the hell was that?Copy !req
905. Sounded like he said something
about two dozen kegs.Copy !req
906. Bartleby, are you
experimenting with alcohol?Copy !req
907. Aw, no, no, no.
He said two dozen eggs, Mom.Copy !req
908. You misunderstood.
Two dozen eggs.Copy !req
909. What took you so long?Copy !req
910. I've been building
a thirst over there!Copy !req
911. Hey, listen, I'm not paying for
you to be making omelets up there.Copy !req
912. Tell me what classes
you're taking.Copy !req
913. Classes?Copy !req
914. Uh, right. I'm taking...Copy !req
915. Statistics.Copy !req
916. And, uh, businessCopy !req
917. and anatomy.Copy !req
918. - Anatomy?
- Anatomy?Copy !req
919. Thanks, dude.Copy !req
920. Bartleby, Bartleby!Copy !req
921. Yeah!Copy !req
922. Hey. I always wanted
to go to college.Copy !req
923. Couldn't get in
anywhere, though,Copy !req
924. 'cause I was in the military.Copy !req
925. Oh.
Beverage ops.Copy !req
926. I was snooping around,
saw something secretive.Copy !req
927. Next thing I know CIA swoops in,Copy !req
928. does this whole
brain-scramble thing.Copy !req
929. Now I can't remember anything.Copy !req
930. So do you have room
at the college for me?Copy !req
931. You know what, we already
started the semester, I'm sorry.Copy !req
932. That's cool, man.
Yeah.Copy !req
933. It's just I... I got
my GI Bill,Copy !req
934. and I can pay you
all four years in advance.Copy !req
935. Okay, you're in.
Yeah!Copy !req
936. Yeah, welcome
to South Harmon. Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
937. How's the processing?Copy !req
938. I just have to figure
this whole college thing out.Copy !req
939. Here at Harmon College,
we offer a highly structured,Copy !req
940. time-tested curriculum carefully
designed to stimulate the young mind.Copy !req
941. So, Mr. Gaines,
you're thinking about transferring?Copy !req
942. I don't know about transferring.Copy !req
943. My life is kind of, like,
a little weird right now.Copy !req
944. But I just kind of
want to figure outCopy !req
945. what all this is all about.Copy !req
946. Sorry.Copy !req
947. A-And what college are you
attending right now? Sorry?Copy !req
948. The college that you're...
Oh, it's down there. By the thing.Copy !req
949. Pardon me?Copy !req
950. I'd like to look around, if that's okay.
Uh, that's fine.Copy !req
951. If that's what you'd like to do.Copy !req
952. Thank you. It was... It was,
uh, it was great to meet you.Copy !req
953. Oh, shit. Sorry.Copy !req
954. That's all right. No. You know what?
Leave them, leave them alone.Copy !req
955. Leave it, leave them alone.Copy !req
956. And go on and take
your tour, okay?Copy !req
957. A single rate of income tax
eliminates loopholes,Copy !req
958. allowances and exemptionsCopy !req
959. as well as encourages paymentsCopy !req
960. through use of
low interest rates,Copy !req
961. which theoretically would causeCopy !req
962. an economic boom.Copy !req
963. Now if you would refer back...
Aw, shit. I'm sorry.Copy !req
964. So theoretically
what I was saying was...Copy !req
965. This guy's pretty boring.Copy !req
966. Don't talk to me, man!
Right, this is gonna be on the midterm.Copy !req
967. And my whole life is riding
on an A in this class.Copy !req
968. This guy's...
EBITA!Copy !req
969. What?Copy !req
970. Earnings Before Interest,
Taxes and Amortization.Copy !req
971. Good afternoon, students,Copy !req
972. and welcome, everyone
in the spillover class.Copy !req
973. What the... What is this?Copy !req
974. We'll begin today's lecture...Copy !req
975. Okay, great, yeah.
I'll see you in the library at 8:00.Copy !req
976. And I'll bring my notes.
Okay, see you then.Copy !req
977. Bye, Monica.Copy !req
978. Monica. Hey.Copy !req
979. Bartleby. Hey, what, are you
stalking me or something?Copy !req
980. Stalking's an ugly word.Copy !req
981. I like to think of it more
like obsessively shadowing. Oh.Copy !req
982. I'm thinking about going here,
so I'm checking out the classes.Copy !req
983. Really? Yeah.
Do you like all your classes?Copy !req
984. Yeah. I mean, well,
I'm taking a bunch of classesCopy !req
985. that I don't really care about.Copy !req
986. There was this one, though,
that I was dying to take.Copy !req
987. But, um, I ended up not being able to.
But, you know, it's okay.Copy !req
988. What was that one
that you wanted to take?Copy !req
989. Uh, ph-photography. It's...
Really? That's cool.Copy !req
990. Yeah.
What was the problem?Copy !req
991. Well, see, there's this,
um, photojournalism class,Copy !req
992. but they said it's only
for journalism majors.Copy !req
993. And then there's this
art photography class,Copy !req
994. but they said
it's for fine arts majors.Copy !req
995. So my advisor said it would be best
not to take either one, or something,Copy !req
996. because certain
photography classesCopy !req
997. don't apply
to a degree in photography.Copy !req
998. Wow, that makes,
that makes no sense at all.Copy !req
999. I know.
Um, but I'm really sorry.Copy !req
1000. I gotta go, I'm gonna be late for
my Ancient Roman History class.Copy !req
1001. It was good seeing you. Bye.
Okay. Bye.Copy !req
1002. Hey, uh...Copy !req
1003. I'm... I'm just saying, I
mean, is that what college is?Copy !req
1004. What were you expecting?
A renaissance of the human spirit?Copy !req
1005. American education
is in the shitter.Copy !req
1006. You know why?Copy !req
1007. Because people forget
the most important rule.Copy !req
1008. College is a service industry.Copy !req
1009. A service industry?Copy !req
1010. As in "serve us," as opposed
to the other way around.Copy !req
1011. Look, you see
all these kids out here?Copy !req
1012. They all paid to come here.Copy !req
1013. Right.
They all paid for an experience.Copy !req
1014. What kind of experience?Copy !req
1015. The hell if I know.
I'm not a goddamn mind reader.Copy !req
1016. Well, maybe
I should just ask them.Copy !req
1017. Welcome to the conversation.Copy !req
1018. What do I want to learn?Copy !req
1019. Why are you asking me?Copy !req
1020. Well, I'm asking you, Glen,
because I have a hunchCopy !req
1021. that no one's ever really
asked you that before. Yeah?Copy !req
1022. Well, I like pancakes and
alfalfa sprouts and lemonade.Copy !req
1023. Okay, you know what, let's appropriate
the bulk of this man's tuitionCopy !req
1024. to learning more
about the culinary arts.Copy !req
1025. Huh?
Food.Copy !req
1026. All right.
All right.Copy !req
1027. Rory. What about you?Copy !req
1028. Ever since nursery school,
every single waking momentCopy !req
1029. of every single day
has been scheduled.Copy !req
1030. So what do I want to do?Copy !req
1031. Nothing.Copy !req
1032. Cheap, zen, beautiful. I like it.
Hands, what about you?Copy !req
1033. Summer camp I made a paperweight
and won Camp Nagachewy'sCopy !req
1034. coveted woodcarving award
and next day,Copy !req
1035. ran a 4.6 forty and it's
been football ever since.Copy !req
1036. Mmm. Woodcarving, sculpting.
Good, something with your hands.Copy !req
1037. Well, there may be
something in there.Copy !req
1038. You can think about that,
and then get back to me. All right?Copy !req
1039. Schrader, what about you?
Well, B, I'm glad you asked, actually.Copy !req
1040. 'Cause since
we're going to prison,Copy !req
1041. I'm gonna learn how to carve
a shank out of my toothbrush.Copy !req
1042. Okay, ha-ha. I'll tell you
something, though.Copy !req
1043. All our lives we've
been told what to learn.Copy !req
1044. Well, today the tide
is gonna turn, my friend.Copy !req
1045. Because today
we're gonna ask the customer.Copy !req
1046. What do I want to learn?
What do I want to learn?Copy !req
1047. What am I interested
in studying?Copy !req
1048. Huh?
What?Copy !req
1049. W-What?
Come again.Copy !req
1050. That's a good question.
No, really, come again.Copy !req
1051. I thought you were
supposed to tell us.Copy !req
1052. Please come again!Copy !req
1053. I want to meet girls.Copy !req
1054. Girls.
Girls.Copy !req
1055. Some girls!
Uh, girls.Copy !req
1056. I wanna rock!Copy !req
1057. You know, and roll.Copy !req
1058. Well, as you can probably
tell at this point,Copy !req
1059. is that I really want to learn
how to slow things down.Copy !req
1060. More speed.
More vert.Copy !req
1061. Maybe something
with clothes, you know?Copy !req
1062. Putting them on,
taking them off.Copy !req
1063. I'm really good at that part.
You wanna see?Copy !req
1064. I want to learn how to
blow shit up with my mind.Copy !req
1065. Okay.
Well, write it on the board.Copy !req
1066. Go ahead.Copy !req
1067. Okay, thanks. Okay.Copy !req
1068. All right.
Thank you, smiley.Copy !req
1069. Pleasure doing business
with you.Copy !req
1070. Yeah, buddy.Copy !req
1071. Taxes? I'll tell you
about that nonsense.Copy !req
1072. If you're rich,
the government'll protectCopy !req
1073. every buck you make
and every shit you take.Copy !req
1074. Kiki Dee.
Got a job for you, kid.Copy !req
1075. New school colors and logo.
You're in charge.Copy !req
1076. Really?
Don't screw it up.Copy !req
1077. I won't screw it up,
I... I won't screw anything...Copy !req
1078. What are you?Copy !req
1079. Health insurance, my ass.
They don't pay for shit!Copy !req
1080. You get sick on a Friday,
they only pay for Monday through Thursday.Copy !req
1081. You go to Dr. A,
they only pay for Dr. B.Copy !req
1082. You break your penis,
they only fix vaginas.Copy !req
1083. You mind if I join you?Copy !req
1084. Ah, cool. Awesome.
Thank you, that was great!Copy !req
1085. I'll see you guys later.
Okay, bye.Copy !req
1086. That's pretty, uh...Copy !req
1087. I know, right?Copy !req
1088. That's African
fertility sculpture.Copy !req
1089. It's beautiful.
It's beautiful.Copy !req
1090. The wood speaks to me.Copy !req
1091. The wood speaks to you?Copy !req
1092. Ladies and gentlemen,
the new S.H.I.T. line.Copy !req
1093. Thank you.Copy !req
1094. What is learning?
It's paying attention!Copy !req
1095. It's opening yourself up to this great
big ball of shit that we call life!Copy !req
1096. And what's the worst thing that can happen?
You get bit in the ass!Copy !req
1097. Well, let me tell you,
my ass looks like hamburger meat,Copy !req
1098. but I can still sit down!Copy !req
1099. I can't believe this is a class.Copy !req
1100. Yeah.Copy !req
1101. Look what I did.Copy !req
1102. Ugh. What are those?Copy !req
1103. I call 'em GlenWads.Copy !req
1104. They contain every delicious flavor
in every single bite. Try one.Copy !req
1105. I'm not gonna lie to you.
They look disgusting.Copy !req
1106. This shit will get you high
on flavor alone.Copy !req
1107. Glen, I love
your Wads. Hmm.Copy !req
1108. Glen.Copy !req
1109. This is like the most... Literally the
most incredible thing I've ever eaten.Copy !req
1110. Heads up, bro.Copy !req
1111. Whoa.Copy !req
1112. And it's so easy to swallow.
Mmm. Wow, Glen.Copy !req
1113. Uh, excuse me. Thanks, buddy.
Sure.Copy !req
1114. Hey, how's it going?
Hey.Copy !req
1115. Can I help you with something?Copy !req
1116. Aren't you that guy?Copy !req
1117. No, I don't think so.Copy !req
1118. You're not?
I'm not what?Copy !req
1119. I saw you at rush.
What are you doing here?Copy !req
1120. I'm eating a Wad, man.
What are you doing here?Copy !req
1121. Wait... wait, let me guess.Copy !req
1122. You want me
to sign your petitionCopy !req
1123. banning minorities
from your yacht club. No?Copy !req
1124. I am the chairman, actually,Copy !req
1125. of the Student Community Outreach
Committee at Harmon College.Copy !req
1126. Ah! That was my next guess.
My next guess.Copy !req
1127. That sounds very important.Copy !req
1128. As a matter of fact, it is!
That's why I said it.Copy !req
1129. And Harmon wants
to buy this property,Copy !req
1130. so do you know where I
could find the lease holder?Copy !req
1131. I do.Copy !req
1132. Well, could you tell me?Copy !req
1133. Oh, yeah, I could.
I could, Gunther.Copy !req
1134. Okay, well,
are you going to tell me?Copy !req
1135. No. I'm not gonna tell you.
I will tell you this.Copy !req
1136. The lease holder's not interested
in relocating at any point.Copy !req
1137. So thanks for asking,
and have a good day.Copy !req
1138. And enjoy the game show
that you host. Bye-bye.Copy !req
1139. Oh, look out.Copy !req
1140. Open it.Copy !req
1141. Ah. Thank you for coming by.Copy !req
1142. Have a good day.
I'm gonna go enjoy my Wad.Copy !req
1143. Hey! What the hell
is this place?Copy !req
1144. South Harmon Institute of Technology.
The best college ever.Copy !req
1145. Is this a test?Copy !req
1146. Hey, Sperminator.Copy !req
1147. South Harmon?Copy !req
1148. Knock, knock.Copy !req
1149. Oh, hey, Gwynn.Copy !req
1150. Hey. Hey, what are you doing
up here all by your lonesome?Copy !req
1151. You know, you're
missing the whole party.Copy !req
1152. Hey, have you ever heard of the
South Harmon Institute of Technology?Copy !req
1153. No. How come?Copy !req
1154. No reason.Copy !req
1155. Hey, pledge.Copy !req
1156. Hello, knights of freedom.Copy !req
1157. Sperman, do you know
why you're dressed like this?Copy !req
1158. Because it's required
for brotherhood.Copy !req
1159. Drink this.
Okay.Copy !req
1160. No, wait.Copy !req
1161. There you go.Copy !req
1162. Good addition, sir.Copy !req
1163. Hey, Hoyt.
Hey, what are you doin'?Copy !req
1164. Oh-oh. Hoyt.Copy !req
1165. Monica. Hold on. Shit!Copy !req
1166. Harmon Gateway, my ass.
Let me tell you something.Copy !req
1167. That's the kind of group-think mob
mentality that's dumbing down AmericaCopy !req
1168. and flushing your brains
down the toilet.Copy !req
1169. B! We have a problem.Copy !req
1170. Virgin daiquiri.Copy !req
1171. And easy on the lime there,
Eraserhead.Copy !req
1172. Comin' right up.Copy !req
1173. Lizzie.
What are you doing here?Copy !req
1174. You mean I can't swing by and
visit my big brother at college?Copy !req
1175. You are in college, aren't you?Copy !req
1176. What is that supposed to mean?Copy !req
1177. Come on, Bartleby.
The jig's up.Copy !req
1178. I'm telling Mom and Dad.Copy !req
1179. Uh, listen,
w-w-what do you want?Copy !req
1180. $20,000.Copy !req
1181. What? No way!
That's insane. Come on.Copy !req
1182. I'm not gonna
play your little game.Copy !req
1183. I'm not gonna give you a cent.Copy !req
1184. How do you like that?
How do you like them apples, huh?Copy !req
1185. Fortunately, Mom and Dad
are on speed dial.Copy !req
1186. Oh. I'll ask them
to pick me up here.Copy !req
1187. Okay, you're gonna call Mom and
Dad, sure. Ringing.Copy !req
1188. You are bluffing with the best.Copy !req
1189. You're very good, though.
I gotta give it to you.Copy !req
1190. Hi, Mom.
Okay, stop it.Copy !req
1191. Anything you want,
not money-related.Copy !req
1192. Your Razor scooter.
Done.Copy !req
1193. And a fake ID.
No! That's ridiculous.Copy !req
1194. I'm not gonna let you drink.Copy !req
1195. It's so I can vote, dumb-ass.Copy !req
1196. Oh. Okay, deal.Copy !req
1197. You need a Razor scooter
to vote?Copy !req
1198. What do you mean,
they're a college?Copy !req
1199. They're called the South
Harmon Institute of Technology.Copy !req
1200. The South Harmon
Institute of Technology?Copy !req
1201. What is this, some kind of joke?Copy !req
1202. No, I don't think it is, sir.Copy !req
1203. Mr. Ambrose,
that is the one buildingCopy !req
1204. standing between me
and the Van Horne Gateway.Copy !req
1205. Well, I don't know
what to tell you, sir.Copy !req
1206. Tell me that
you're not that naive.Copy !req
1207. Colleges don't just spring up
out of the ground overnight.Copy !req
1208. You're right.
You're right, sir.Copy !req
1209. I know I'm right!Copy !req
1210. All right, don't worry. I'll...
I'll figure a way to get them out of there.Copy !req
1211. What an excellent idea,
Mr. Ambrose.Copy !req
1212. That's the kind of thinking that
will get you into law school.Copy !req
1213. Coming through!Copy !req
1214. Ow!Copy !req
1215. Hey, what are you doing here?Copy !req
1216. I just came to thank you
so much for my camera, B.Copy !req
1217. It was so sweet, thank you.Copy !req
1218. Come on. Please, I figured,
who needs a life's savings, right?Copy !req
1219. Actually, I had a really
hard time finding this place.Copy !req
1220. You... You guys aren't listed
in the phone book,Copy !req
1221. and nobody really seems
to know about you guys.Copy !req
1222. Yeah, yeah, we're... we're
a pretty well-kept secret.Copy !req
1223. Well, let me...
let me show you the rest of the place.Copy !req
1224. Sure. Really?Copy !req
1225. Yeah, of course.
Okay.Copy !req
1226. Great.
Great.Copy !req
1227. Let's, let's go.
All right.Copy !req
1228. Two lava flows.
Thank you.Copy !req
1229. And keep your voice down.
People are playing.Copy !req
1230. Okay. Thanks, buddy. Mmm.
Oh, okay. Thank you.Copy !req
1231. He makes a mean drink.
Yeah. It's great.Copy !req
1232. All right. Hello.Copy !req
1233. How do you like your drink?Copy !req
1234. Yeah, it's really good, Glen.
Thanks.Copy !req
1235. Does she like hers?Copy !req
1236. Uh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, she...Copy !req
1237. Yeah, it's great.
Thank you.Copy !req
1238. Okay, great, thanks.
Okay, pal. Okay.Copy !req
1239. Ah, Glen.Copy !req
1240. Wait. So this is
your course guide?Copy !req
1241. Yeah, this is
a new pilot program.Copy !req
1242. See, the administration wanted
us to create our own classes,Copy !req
1243. so we just, uh,
write 'em on the board.Copy !req
1244. Really?
Yeah.Copy !req
1245. Wow, that's so cool, B.Copy !req
1246. Hey, why don't you sign up for one?
No, no.Copy !req
1247. Come on. Sign up for one.
No. No, Bartleby, no.Copy !req
1248. It... It's painless. I insist.
Oh, really?Copy !req
1249. Even if you don't sign up for
one you'll go on a fun ride.Copy !req
1250. Okay.Copy !req
1251. Just stop me when you see
something that you like.Copy !req
1252. Okay. Oh, I like this one.
"The Weaker Sex."Copy !req
1253. Give me a pen.
Oh.Copy !req
1254. B, there can't honestly be a
class called "Bullshitting 236."Copy !req
1255. What about "The Decline
and Fall of Chevy Chase"?Copy !req
1256. There's a wait list
for that one.Copy !req
1257. What?Copy !req
1258. Are... Are you okay?Copy !req
1259. What?Copy !req
1260. What the hell happened?Copy !req
1261. An explosion of flavor!Copy !req
1262. I'm working with some
very unstable herbs!Copy !req
1263. Wait, wait, wait.
So you're telling meCopy !req
1264. that there are no tests,
or essays,Copy !req
1265. or required reading,
or any of that nonsense?Copy !req
1266. That's what I'm sayin'.
Wow. Ever?Copy !req
1267. Yeah. Never ever.Copy !req
1268. Ask me about my wiener!
That's amazing.Copy !req
1269. Yeah, it's pretty cool.Copy !req
1270. Oh, no.Copy !req
1271. Ask me about my wiener!Copy !req
1272. What the...Copy !req
1273. Ask me about my wiener!Copy !req
1274. Schrader?Copy !req
1275. Oh, hey, B. Hi.Copy !req
1276. And Monica.Copy !req
1277. Hey. Why...
Why are you wearing this?Copy !req
1278. Every single brother in my
fraternity has worn this suit.Copy !req
1279. President James Garfield wore
this suit like a gentleman.Copy !req
1280. Oh, yeah,
and look what happened to him.Copy !req
1281. He got assassinated
by Charles Guiteau.Copy !req
1282. Don't ask me how I know that.Copy !req
1283. Do me a favor,
ask me about my wiener really quickly.Copy !req
1284. Schrader, no.Copy !req
1285. Guys, my brothers could
be watching me right now.Copy !req
1286. Just ask me
about my wiener, please.Copy !req
1287. Why are you doing this?
What do you mean?Copy !req
1288. Come on. You're...
This...Copy !req
1289. You're humiliating
yourself, buddy.Copy !req
1290. You know what, B.
Don't mess with me!Copy !req
1291. These are the happiest times
of my life, all right?Copy !req
1292. Schrader.
I'm so happy, I'm the happiest.Copy !req
1293. I'm happy!Copy !req
1294. Hey! Ask me about my wiener!Copy !req
1295. S.H.I.T. Rag.
Hot off the presses.Copy !req
1296. Here you go, B.
Thanks, Boner.Copy !req
1297. The S.H.I.T. Rag?Copy !req
1298. Yeah, come on,
every school's gotta have a paper.Copy !req
1299. There's a great op-ed piece in there
about not believing everything you read.Copy !req
1300. It's really provocative.Copy !req
1301. As your de facto consigliere my advice
to you is to shut this down immediately.Copy !req
1302. And my advice to you
is to stop worryingCopy !req
1303. before you
spontaneously combust.Copy !req
1304. Yes, but you can't just do this.Copy !req
1305. To be a real college,Copy !req
1306. you have to go through the
appropriate legal channels.Copy !req
1307. You need to be accredited.Copy !req
1308. Well, yeah,
could you take care of that?Copy !req
1309. Hey, B.
Pancho, looking good, pal.Copy !req
1310. Who's that?
Spank me.Copy !req
1311. That's, uh, the mascot.Copy !req
1312. Oh, it's the mascot?
Yeah.Copy !req
1313. A sandwich?
Yes.Copy !req
1314. You're the S.H.I.T.
Sandwiches? Yes, we are.Copy !req
1315. You are taking this way too far.Copy !req
1316. How so?
Oh, I don't know, man.Copy !req
1317. Maybe it's the pool,
or the half-pipe.Copy !req
1318. That's not in the budget.
I'm re-investing in their education.Copy !req
1319. Those are South Harmon
cornerstones there.Copy !req
1320. Yes, but you're overlooking
zoning requirements,Copy !req
1321. noise permits,
there are insurance issues.Copy !req
1322. Come on. Insurance?
What's gonna happen?Copy !req
1323. Oh, shit.Copy !req
1324. Wow.Copy !req
1325. Yeah!Copy !req
1326. Aw, shit.Copy !req
1327. We gotta do it again, dudes.
Left the lens cap on.Copy !req
1328. No, you didn't!
Damn!Copy !req
1329. You know what? You're absolutely right.
This has gone way too far.Copy !req
1330. And I think we need to do
something about it ASAP.Copy !req
1331. Thank you.
Thank you.Copy !req
1332. Is this great or is this great?Copy !req
1333. It's pretty cool, man,
but I gotta go.Copy !req
1334. The Roaring '20s is B.K.E.'s
biggest party of the year.Copy !req
1335. And we're recreating the
scene from The UntouchablesCopy !req
1336. where Roy, as Bobby De Niro,Copy !req
1337. crushes my skull
with a baseball bat.Copy !req
1338. Wow, what an incredible honor.Copy !req
1339. Could you sign a copy
of your book for me?Copy !req
1340. I got it on eBay.
They sell my shit on eBay?Copy !req
1341. You wrote a book?
Yeah.Copy !req
1342. But that was back
when I was drinking.Copy !req
1343. Come on, Glen,
you can't keep stringing us along.Copy !req
1344. Which one of us
is it going to be?Copy !req
1345. Quiet, quiet, quiet!
Quiet, shh!Copy !req
1346. Ladies and gentlemen,
let's give it up for your fearless leader,Copy !req
1347. Bartleby Gaines.
Come on up here, buddy!Copy !req
1348. Aw, man.Copy !req
1349. Thanks. Thank you.
Get up here!Copy !req
1350. Come on up!
I know you know this one!Copy !req
1351. Go. Go up there right now.
Go, man, go!Copy !req
1352. How you doin'?
Yeah! You the man.Copy !req
1353. I'm going to have that.Copy !req
1354. Shut up.Copy !req
1355. Look, where the hell
is everybody at?Copy !req
1356. You! Hey.Copy !req
1357. Hey.
How are you?Copy !req
1358. Aw, God, look,
where the hell is everybody?Copy !req
1359. This is the biggest
party of the year, guys.Copy !req
1360. Band, hey!Copy !req
1361. Ah, you want to start
playing some music, please?Copy !req
1362. Hey.
Hoyt, hey.Copy !req
1363. There's, like, some big party
down the hill.Copy !req
1364. Oh, that son of a...Copy !req
1365. Hey! B, oh, my gosh,
that was fantastic.Copy !req
1366. Aw, my God, you saw that.
I'm embarrassed.Copy !req
1367. I don't know
what happened to me.Copy !req
1368. Someone possessed me, and... and it was
the spirit of Johnny Ramone, I think.Copy !req
1369. B, is there anything that you're
not incredibly amazing at?Copy !req
1370. Yeah, it's funny you should ask.Copy !req
1371. There are very few things
I'm not very good at.Copy !req
1372. Off the top of my head I can think
of spelunking, uh, telekinesis,Copy !req
1373. not crying at
the end of My Girl.Copy !req
1374. It gets me.
And dairy products.Copy !req
1375. Which is good, because you
know I'm not really in the moodCopy !req
1376. for any dairy products tonight.Copy !req
1377. Well, let's see if we can
get you something else then.Copy !req
1378. Let's see.
All right.Copy !req
1379. This is my... Oh!
Ooh!Copy !req
1380. I'm okay, I'm okay.
I keep forgetting this opens out.Copy !req
1381. It happens all the time,
I gotta get used to it.Copy !req
1382. Oh, no.Copy !req
1383. And this isCopy !req
1384. Mi casa.Copy !req
1385. Bartleby, uh, oh, my God,
this is amazing!Copy !req
1386. Huh? It's fine.Copy !req
1387. I mean, I like it 'cause it's
simple, and functional.Copy !req
1388. Provides a good safe workspace
for me to focus on my studies.Copy !req
1389. B, this is so cheesy,
in the greatest way.Copy !req
1390. There is nothing cheesy
about a clap-on disco ball.Copy !req
1391. Maybe it's a little bit much.Copy !req
1392. I've wanted one
since I was a kid, though.Copy !req
1393. Wait, is everybody's room at
South Harmon this incredible?Copy !req
1394. Well, at South Harmon
you're freeCopy !req
1395. to kind of design
your own rooms, you know?Copy !req
1396. Whatever you're thinking,
whatever you're...Copy !req
1397. And I was thinking
clap-on disco ball.Copy !req
1398. How about that drink?
Can I get you a drink?Copy !req
1399. I would love a drink.
All right.Copy !req
1400. Ah, touché.
Ahh.Copy !req
1401. This party's off the hook!Copy !req
1402. Hey, hey, hey, shut up!Copy !req
1403. All right.
Where is that asshole?Copy !req
1404. Co-Come on, Bartleby,
that was 7th grade.Copy !req
1405. Yeah, exactly,
that was my point.Copy !req
1406. Well, I will have you know...
Oh, now,Copy !req
1407. now I can't go back to your past,
but you can go back to mine.Copy !req
1408. That Christina Aguilera look did very
well for me, thank you very much.Copy !req
1409. Yeah, you did great,
you did great. I know.Copy !req
1410. I remember you making out with Pete
Goochman in Julie Posner's basement.Copy !req
1411. You were at that party?Copy !req
1412. Oh, even if I wasn't there,
I would have known about it.Copy !req
1413. It made headline news at school.Copy !req
1414. And... And... And that day
something happened in my lifeCopy !req
1415. that I never thought
would happen.Copy !req
1416. I became envious of Pete
"The Gooch" Goochman.Copy !req
1417. Never thought it would happen.Copy !req
1418. But I was like, "He got to
make out with Monica Moreland."Copy !req
1419. Well, if you wanted to kiss me so
bad in the basement, why didn't you?Copy !req
1420. Well, 'cause the Gooch
beat me to it,Copy !req
1421. and I was a little shy,
and, uh...Copy !req
1422. Well, you want to
kiss me now, don't you?Copy !req
1423. You look like Carly Simon!Copy !req
1424. If I could bang one woman in
the world it'd be Carly Simon,Copy !req
1425. and you look like her!Copy !req
1426. Are you having fun?Copy !req
1427. I'm having so much fun.Copy !req
1428. Let's go find him.
Oh!Copy !req
1429. Oh, shit, oh, shit,
oh, shit, oh, shit.Copy !req
1430. Sorry. One sec.Copy !req
1431. Oh, shit.
Uh, I got a situation.Copy !req
1432. Come, come with me.
Okay.Copy !req
1433. Hey, have you seen Schrader?Copy !req
1434. Excuse me.Copy !req
1435. Shit.Copy !req
1436. Monica?
What are you doing here?Copy !req
1437. Oh, you know, just picking up
my application for transfer.Copy !req
1438. You're telling me that
you're with this guy now?Copy !req
1439. Actually, Hoyt, um,Copy !req
1440. I'm telling you
it's none of your business.Copy !req
1441. It's none of my business? Yeah.Copy !req
1442. Oh, snap!Copy !req
1443. Hey, Hoyt, let me introduce
you to an old friend of mine.Copy !req
1444. The word "rejection."
She can be a real bitch.Copy !req
1445. But you don't have
to give her roofies.Copy !req
1446. So you're not gonna like her.
Ooh.Copy !req
1447. You want me to give you
something funny to laugh about?Copy !req
1448. You mean something funnier
than your future alcohol abuse?Copy !req
1449. Battle Royale!Copy !req
1450. Uh, shit.
Let's go, guys.Copy !req
1451. All right, come on, guys.
Let's get out of here.Copy !req
1452. Wow, Monica, you really know
how to pick 'em, don't you?Copy !req
1453. Have fun with these idiots!Copy !req
1454. Bye-bye.
Bye.Copy !req
1455. Thank you for comin'.Copy !req
1456. Guys, let's get
the music back up! Come on!Copy !req
1457. Wet T-shirt party!Copy !req
1458. Mom? Dad?Copy !req
1459. Gwynn.
Hi, there.Copy !req
1460. What are you doing here?Copy !req
1461. I'm your escort.Copy !req
1462. Induction night, big guy.Copy !req
1463. B.K.E., B.K.E., brotherhood,
brotherhood, you and me!Copy !req
1464. B.K.E., B.K.E. brotherhood,
brotherhood, you and me!Copy !req
1465. Sherman Schrader, you rock!Copy !req
1466. Aw, no! You guys rock!Copy !req
1467. Get ready to be inducted into
the brotherhood, you winner!Copy !req
1468. Yes! I want it!
I want everything you guys have. Whoo!Copy !req
1469. I want lilac shirts!
I want visorsCopy !req
1470. kind of tilted to the side,
with hair gel coming out of it.Copy !req
1471. I want to have sex with girls
that look like this!Copy !req
1472. You rock!
I know I do!Copy !req
1473. You do, yeah, you do.Copy !req
1474. Do I get hair gel now,
or do I have to go and buy my own?Copy !req
1475. Did you crack him?Copy !req
1476. No.Copy !req
1477. We'll crack him.Copy !req
1478. Sherman, do you know how long
that this fraternity has survived?Copy !req
1479. Yes, sir.Copy !req
1480. 153 majestic years, sir.Copy !req
1481. That is correct. Because it's
based on the most sacred principleCopy !req
1482. that brothers can share.Copy !req
1483. Trust.Copy !req
1484. And seriously, bro, I'm...
I'm beginning to questionCopy !req
1485. whether or not I can trust you.Copy !req
1486. 'Cause we know you been hanging out
with those freaks down at the loony bin.Copy !req
1487. So with your allegiance
being called into question,Copy !req
1488. I just wanted
to ask you just one thing.Copy !req
1489. Paddle.Copy !req
1490. That's actually not a question.
Shut up!Copy !req
1491. Are you with themCopy !req
1492. or are you with us?Copy !req
1493. Decent party.Copy !req
1494. Okay, I'll give you decent.Copy !req
1495. Hey, where is Schrader?
He should be here for this.Copy !req
1496. I don't know.
I haven't seen him in a couple of days.Copy !req
1497. I hope he's not sick.Copy !req
1498. Okay. Quick, quick, quick,
everybody say "Cheers"!Copy !req
1499. Hey, "quick, quick, quick,"
get up in here.Copy !req
1500. No.
Oh, yes.Copy !req
1501. Yes, yes, yes.
Come over here. Okay.Copy !req
1502. Gotta up the gorgeous quotient.Copy !req
1503. Okay. Get ready and now.Copy !req
1504. Cheers!Copy !req
1505. Schrader.Copy !req
1506. Schrader, come on, open up.Copy !req
1507. What are you...Copy !req
1508. What the hell happened to you?Copy !req
1509. Nothing. Just a little ritual
bonding over at the B.K.E. House.Copy !req
1510. What?
What are you talking about?Copy !req
1511. They kicked my ass,
until I told them all about South Harmon.Copy !req
1512. Oh, shit.Copy !req
1513. They took my laptop,
the mailing list, everything.Copy !req
1514. Shit. Man, I'm sorry.Copy !req
1515. All I ever wanted was a
run-of-the-mill college experience.Copy !req
1516. But not me, right?
I can't have that.Copy !req
1517. Not me!Copy !req
1518. 'Cause I'm too busy getting
the shit kicked out of meCopy !req
1519. and being an accomplice
to fraud!Copy !req
1520. Does the run-of-the-mill
college experienceCopy !req
1521. include stripping you
of your dignity?Copy !req
1522. Totally humiliating you, making you
wear a... a... a frigging hot dog suit?Copy !req
1523. It's a tradition.
A tradition?Copy !req
1524. Yes. I got a tradition for you.Copy !req
1525. Schrader, you've been my best
friend since we were 5 years old.Copy !req
1526. That's the only tradition
I know.Copy !req
1527. I just messed up.
I really messed up.Copy !req
1528. How? What happened?Copy !req
1529. With Schrader.Copy !req
1530. I know Bartleby is by the pool.Copy !req
1531. Oh, my God.Copy !req
1532. What is it? Cops?Copy !req
1533. Worse. Parents.Copy !req
1534. Mom! Dad! Great!Copy !req
1535. Hey, guys.Copy !req
1536. Bartleby! Hiya, kid!Copy !req
1537. Hey, oh, it's so good
to see you!Copy !req
1538. Oh, it's great to see you.
Ow. You look thin.Copy !req
1539. There's five good ones right
there for my college boy, huh?Copy !req
1540. Hey, hey, Dad.Copy !req
1541. Wha... What... What... What
are you doing here?Copy !req
1542. Well, Parents' Day.Copy !req
1543. What a wonderful idea on the
part of the college, you know?Copy !req
1544. Yeah.
Oh, right.Copy !req
1545. Parents' Day.
Of course.Copy !req
1546. Hello, everyone.
Now, welcome to Parents' Day.Copy !req
1547. And, uh, we're very glad
you could be here.Copy !req
1548. Um, we have a wonderful
guided tour plannedCopy !req
1549. a-around the grounds
and the campus,Copy !req
1550. Show you what we've been
working on all year.Copy !req
1551. So, welcome one and all.
Excuse me, everyone.Copy !req
1552. May I have
your attention, please?Copy !req
1553. Oh, shit.Copy !req
1554. I knew I smelled bacon.Copy !req
1555. My name is Richard Van Horne.Copy !req
1556. Oh, Van Horne, yes.Copy !req
1557. The... The dean of Harmon
College, our big sister school.Copy !req
1558. Give him a round of applause.
He's earned it.Copy !req
1559. Thank you for comin' by.
Great to see him here.Copy !req
1560. They are our big sister school,Copy !req
1561. and we are honored
by their presence.Copy !req
1562. Thank you for that nice introduction,
young man, but the joke is over.Copy !req
1563. Ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
1564. South Harmon
Institute of TechnologyCopy !req
1565. is not the sister school
of HarmonCopy !req
1566. or of anything else,
for that matter.Copy !req
1567. More like cousins.
Thank you for coming.Copy !req
1568. It is not accredited.
Any...Copy !req
1569. Nor is it truly
an educational institution.Copy !req
1570. Is this true, Bartleby?Copy !req
1571. It is a sham, a fraud,Copy !req
1572. that undermines the efforts
of real colleges everywhere,Copy !req
1573. and I invite you to confirm thatCopy !req
1574. with the State Board
of Accreditation.Copy !req
1575. To all those students
who have been duped,Copy !req
1576. good luck applying
to schools next year.Copy !req
1577. And to Mr. Gaines I say you will
be hearing from our attorneys.Copy !req
1578. Wow, Parents' Day.
Man, I wish I would have thought of that.Copy !req
1579. Oh, that's right, I did.Copy !req
1580. Oh, and by the way,Copy !req
1581. if you, uh, if you see
that lease holder of yours,Copy !req
1582. will you tell him that his
lease automatically breaksCopy !req
1583. when he's found guilty of fraud?Copy !req
1584. Cool. Thanks, D.Copy !req
1585. Er, was it G?Copy !req
1586. That's right, it's F.
See you, F.Copy !req
1587. Guys, I can explain.
Mmm-mmm.Copy !req
1588. You have done some stupid
things in your life, Bartleby,Copy !req
1589. but this...Copy !req
1590. You get your stuff together.
You meet us in the car.Copy !req
1591. This is unconscionable.Copy !req
1592. Ridiculous.Copy !req
1593. Hey.Copy !req
1594. So,Copy !req
1595. none of this was real?Copy !req
1596. That's not true.Copy !req
1597. Wait, Monica. Monica, wait.Copy !req
1598. Monica.Copy !req
1599. Sorry, man.Copy !req
1600. It's cool. We tried.Copy !req
1601. Have you completely
lost your mind?Copy !req
1602. Guys, the state defines
a college as a body of peopleCopy !req
1603. with a shared common purpose
of a higher education.Copy !req
1604. Well that's us, isn't it?Copy !req
1605. I mean, you know, with the word
"higher" kind of loosely defined.Copy !req
1606. Uh, yeah.
He's completely lost his mind.Copy !req
1607. No, no. Listen,
all we have to doCopy !req
1608. is go before
the state accrediting board,Copy !req
1609. with a licensed administrator,
and just present our case.Copy !req
1610. B, look, let's just cut
our losses, okay?Copy !req
1611. What are we
talking about here, huh?Copy !req
1612. We're talking about
a stupid piece of paper.Copy !req
1613. I mean,
if a stupid piece of paperCopy !req
1614. is what's gonna
make us acceptable,Copy !req
1615. then let's go for it.
Why not?Copy !req
1616. 'Cause you gotta remember,
it's not just about us anymore, okay?Copy !req
1617. It's about everyone
who went to South Harmon.Copy !req
1618. Ah, great speech.Copy !req
1619. I was inspired,
I felt inspired by it.Copy !req
1620. Thanks a lot,
I'm... I'm taking it on tour.Copy !req
1621. What are you doing here?Copy !req
1622. Aw, I don't know. I had...
I had to pick up some stuff.Copy !req
1623. Some sage. Eggplant.
Olive oil. Some Funyuns.Copy !req
1624. Wait a minute.Copy !req
1625. Come on!Copy !req
1626. You're the one that applied
for accreditation, aren't you?Copy !req
1627. Well, someone had
to do it, you know?Copy !req
1628. We all can't live
with our heads up our asses.Copy !req
1629. I disagree.
I... I don't get it, man.Copy !req
1630. You said you didn't wanna
be a part of this thing.Copy !req
1631. I didn't want to have
anything to do with it.Copy !req
1632. I wanted to be the fourth generation
of Schrader to go to Harmon.Copy !req
1633. But then I realized,Copy !req
1634. I would much rather be the
first generation of SchraderCopy !req
1635. to go to the South Harmon
Institute of Technology.Copy !req
1636. I said it, okay?
I said it.Copy !req
1637. So you're saying,Copy !req
1638. you're saying you want
to be a S.H.I.T. head?Copy !req
1639. I'm sayin' I want to be
a S.H.I.T. head.Copy !req
1640. I wanna be a S.H.I.T. head.Copy !req
1641. Yeah, man, well, it's good
to have you back, buddy.Copy !req
1642. Yes.
Yeah!Copy !req
1643. Yay!Copy !req
1644. All right, so we're doing it.Copy !req
1645. Thanks to this S.H.I.T.
head, we got a hearing set for Friday.Copy !req
1646. Don't sweat it, kid.
I'm all over it.Copy !req
1647. All right, please remember,
Ben, this is serious, all right?Copy !req
1648. If this doesn't work,
I'm going to prison.Copy !req
1649. Oh, don't worry, you're young.
Your butt can take it.Copy !req
1650. Hello, sir. Um,
we're from South Harmon.Copy !req
1651. We have a 3:00
in Hearing Room A.Copy !req
1652. Okay, actually your meeting room's
been changed to the Grand Hall.Copy !req
1653. Why the change?
It's bigger.Copy !req
1654. How did they...
Rory called them.Copy !req
1655. The whole school?Copy !req
1656. I had to do something.Copy !req
1657. This meeting of the State Board
of Education will come to order.Copy !req
1658. Today we'll be hearing
the case for accreditationCopy !req
1659. for the South Harmon
Institute of Technology.Copy !req
1660. Your case for accreditation
is being contestedCopy !req
1661. by Dean Richard Van Horne,Copy !req
1662. representing Harmon College.Copy !req
1663. Loser. Loser.Copy !req
1664. In order to become accredited,Copy !req
1665. a school must meet
three requirements.Copy !req
1666. You must have a facility,
a curriculum and a faculty.Copy !req
1667. Please state your case.Copy !req
1668. You're on, kid.Copy !req
1669. What? Wha... I thought you were gonna
handle this. What are you doing?Copy !req
1670. Rule number one,
lead with your star witness.Copy !req
1671. Nobody knows South Harmon and
these kids better than you.Copy !req
1672. So, it's showtime.Copy !req
1673. Let's kick some ass.Copy !req
1674. You're gonna be great, man.
Just go do your thing.Copy !req
1675. Sling some bull.Copy !req
1676. Oh, God.Copy !req
1677. Okay.Copy !req
1678. Uh,Copy !req
1679. ladies and gentlemen of the panel,
thank you for meeting with us.Copy !req
1680. Um, my name's Bartleby Gaines
and I'm the co-founder ofCopy !req
1681. South Harmon
Institute of Technology.Copy !req
1682. Sorry. Friends of mine.Copy !req
1683. Um, I'm... I'm sorry,
first of all,Copy !req
1684. w-what were those
three things that you listed?Copy !req
1685. A facility, a curriculum
and a faculty.Copy !req
1686. Facility, right.Copy !req
1687. Okay, well,
we definitely have a facility.Copy !req
1688. Uh, we have a common room,
we have dorm rooms.Copy !req
1689. Uh, we have a skateboard ramp.Copy !req
1690. We got a tiki bar. Umm...Copy !req
1691. They have leased
an old mental hospital.Copy !req
1692. They have none of the
traditional support facilitiesCopy !req
1693. or resources.Copy !req
1694. Mr. Gaines, do you have a
formal athletic facility?Copy !req
1695. Okay, uh, by formal you mean...Copy !req
1696. No. No, we don't.Copy !req
1697. A library?Copy !req
1698. No.Copy !req
1699. A health services center?
No.Copy !req
1700. No.Copy !req
1701. Your curriculum?Copy !req
1702. Our curriculum?
Yes.Copy !req
1703. Do you have a course book? A comprehensive
list of your available classes?Copy !req
1704. Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Uh, Sunshine. Can you...Copy !req
1705. What is this?Copy !req
1706. Our curriculum. These are the
courses we offer at South Harmon.Copy !req
1707. This is a joke.
"Slacking 101"?Copy !req
1708. Uh, tell me, Mr. Gaines,Copy !req
1709. how does one major
in bumper stickers?Copy !req
1710. Sir, um...Copy !req
1711. I'm sorry, Mr. Gaines.Copy !req
1712. I fail to see any meritCopy !req
1713. or scholastic value in
anything listed on that board.Copy !req
1714. Okay, uh, guys,
you want to help me out here?Copy !req
1715. In "Taking A Walk
and Thinking About Stuff,"Copy !req
1716. we get to think about what
we want to do with our livesCopy !req
1717. in a stress-free environment.Copy !req
1718. "Let It Speak To You 202" is an art
class in which we discover our talentsCopy !req
1719. by examining our
personal life experiences.Copy !req
1720. In "Skateboarding 234" we built a ramp
that teaches us about engineering...Copy !req
1721. And physics.
And aerodynamics.Copy !req
1722. In "Rock Our Faces Off 222"Copy !req
1723. we listen to the music and lyrical
angst of a lost generation.Copy !req
1724. And we rock our faces off.Copy !req
1725. They do.Copy !req
1726. Do you have faculty present?Copy !req
1727. Yes, we do, sir.Copy !req
1728. Faculty, stand.Copy !req
1729. What is the meaning of this?Copy !req
1730. See, at South Harmon, sir,
the students are the teachers.Copy !req
1731. Aw, this is preposterous.Copy !req
1732. Students are not
and cannot be teachers.Copy !req
1733. Dean Van Horne is right.Copy !req
1734. You must have a faculty as defined by
the state, or you cannot be accredited.Copy !req
1735. Mr. Gaines, have you
employed a faculty or not?Copy !req
1736. Um...Copy !req
1737. Present and accounted for.Copy !req
1738. Oh, for God's sake.Copy !req
1739. Dr. Alexander, this man has not been
a part of academia for three decades.Copy !req
1740. We were on the faculty together
at Harmon in our late 20s,Copy !req
1741. and he washed out.Copy !req
1742. He's a drunk, he's a degenerate,
and he's looney tunes.Copy !req
1743. Hey, asshole!
You're talking about my mom's brother!Copy !req
1744. Oh, sit down!
Okay.Copy !req
1745. Hey! Why don't you take your
PhD and shove it up your A-S-S?Copy !req
1746. Settle down right this minute!Copy !req
1747. Dean Lewis! Sit down.Copy !req
1748. Order!Copy !req
1749. Couldn't help myself.Copy !req
1750. So, is that it,
Mr. Gaines?Copy !req
1751. You have one formal teacher
for upwards of 300 students?Copy !req
1752. Mr. Gaines.Copy !req
1753. Answer the question.Copy !req
1754. Nah, I'm not gonna
answer your question,Copy !req
1755. 'cause you guys have
already made up your minds.Copy !req
1756. I'm an expert in rejection,Copy !req
1757. and I can see it on your faces.Copy !req
1758. And it's too bad that you
judge us by the way we lookCopy !req
1759. and not by who we are.Copy !req
1760. Just because you want us
to be more like themCopy !req
1761. when the truth is
we're not like them.Copy !req
1762. And I am damn proud
of that fact.Copy !req
1763. Rock on!Copy !req
1764. I mean,Copy !req
1765. Harmon College and their...
and their 100 years of tradition.Copy !req
1766. But tradition of what?Copy !req
1767. Of hazing kidsCopy !req
1768. and humiliating anyone
who's a little bit different?Copy !req
1769. Of putting
so much pressure on kidsCopy !req
1770. they turn into these...
these stress freaks and caffeine addicts.Copy !req
1771. Your phony school demeans
real colleges everywhere!Copy !req
1772. Why? Why can't
we both exist? Huh?Copy !req
1773. You can have your grades,
and your rulesCopy !req
1774. and your structure,
and your ivory towers,Copy !req
1775. and then we'll do things
our way.Copy !req
1776. Why do we have to conform
to what you want?Copy !req
1777. Your curriculum is a joke,
and you, sir, are a criminal.Copy !req
1778. You know what?
You're a criminal.Copy !req
1779. 'Cause you rob these kids of their
creativity and their passion.Copy !req
1780. That's the real crime!Copy !req
1781. Yeah.
Maybe he's right.Copy !req
1782. Well, what about you parents?Copy !req
1783. Did... Did the system
really work out for you?Copy !req
1784. Did it teach you
to follow your heart,Copy !req
1785. or to just play it safe,
roll over?Copy !req
1786. What about you guys?Copy !req
1787. Did you always want to be
school administrators?Copy !req
1788. Dr. Alexander,
was that your dream?Copy !req
1789. Or maybe no,
maybe you wanted to be a poet.Copy !req
1790. Maybe you wanted to be
a magician or an artist.Copy !req
1791. Maybe you just wanted
to travel the world.Copy !req
1792. Look, I... I... I... I lied to you.Copy !req
1793. I lied to all of you,
and I'm sorry.Copy !req
1794. Dad, especially to you.Copy !req
1795. But out of that desperation,
something happened that was so amazing.Copy !req
1796. Life was full of possibilities.Copy !req
1797. A-A-And isn't that what you
ultimately want for us?Copy !req
1798. As parents, I mean, is...
is that, is possibilities.Copy !req
1799. Well, we came here today
to ask for your approval,Copy !req
1800. and something
just occurred to me.Copy !req
1801. I don't give a shit!Copy !req
1802. Who cares about your approval?Copy !req
1803. We don't need your approval to
tell us that what we did was real.Copy !req
1804. 'Cause there are so few truths
in this world,Copy !req
1805. that when you see one,
you know it.Copy !req
1806. And I know that it is a truthCopy !req
1807. that real learning
took place at South Harmon.Copy !req
1808. Whether you like it or not,
it did.Copy !req
1809. 'Cause you don't need teachers
or classroomsCopy !req
1810. or... or fancy highbrow traditions
or money to really learn.Copy !req
1811. You just need people with a
desire to better themselves,Copy !req
1812. and we got that by the
shitload at South Harmon.Copy !req
1813. So you can go ahead,
sign your forms,Copy !req
1814. reject us and shoot us down,
and do whatever you gotta do.Copy !req
1815. It doesn't really matter
at this point.Copy !req
1816. Because we'll never
stop learning,Copy !req
1817. and we'll never stop growing,Copy !req
1818. and we'll never forget the
ideals that were instilled in usCopy !req
1819. at our place.Copy !req
1820. 'Cause we are
S.H.I.T. heads now,Copy !req
1821. and we'll be
S.H.I.T. heads foreverCopy !req
1822. and nothing you can say
or do or stampCopy !req
1823. can take that away from us!
So go!Copy !req
1824. Go ahead!Copy !req
1825. Everyone,Copy !req
1826. please, quiet down.Copy !req
1827. Everyone, please quiet down.Copy !req
1828. Quiet down. Please.Copy !req
1829. Thank you.Copy !req
1830. Mr. Gaines,Copy !req
1831. your presentation
was unorthodox,Copy !req
1832. to say the least,Copy !req
1833. and your methodology isCopy !req
1834. questionable at best.Copy !req
1835. However,Copy !req
1836. the true purpose of education
is to stimulate the creativityCopy !req
1837. and the passions
of the student body.Copy !req
1838. And in that regard
you have certainly succeeded.Copy !req
1839. This board does not
reject innovation,Copy !req
1840. but it must be
watched carefully.Copy !req
1841. Therefore,Copy !req
1842. the South Harmon
Institute of TechnologyCopy !req
1843. will be granted a one-year
probationary periodCopy !req
1844. in which to continue
its experimental programs.Copy !req
1845. Don't be so quick to judge
us by the way we look.Copy !req
1846. Congratulations.Copy !req
1847. Mr. Gaines?Copy !req
1848. Trombone.Copy !req
1849. What?Copy !req
1850. I wanted to play jazz trombone.Copy !req
1851. It's never too late, sir.Copy !req
1852. Thank you.Copy !req
1853. Hey.
Hey.Copy !req
1854. What are you doing here?Copy !req
1855. I don't know. There were just
a lot of things in my lifeCopy !req
1856. that I thought were real
that ended up being fake.Copy !req
1857. So, why can't the opposite
be true?Copy !req
1858. This is not your orientation.
This is your disorientation.Copy !req
1859. You have been orientated
for years.Copy !req
1860. Don't come up to me, go
"Where am I gonna get that?"Copy !req
1861. I'm not interested!
You figure it out.Copy !req
1862. I only wanted big things for
you, Bartleby.Copy !req
1863. I'd say this is pretty big.Copy !req
1864. Thanks, Dad.
Ah!Copy !req
1865. Thanks, Pop.Copy !req
1866. Okay, honey, I want you
to have a good semester.Copy !req
1867. Okay, I will. I love you.
Lizzie, up top.Copy !req
1868. Wasn't enthusiastic,
but I'll take it.Copy !req
1869. And I appreciate the smile.Copy !req
1870. Schrads! Hey,
no time for chit-chat, my friend.Copy !req
1871. I'm teaching "Skepticism 401."
Sha-mon!Copy !req
1872. At South Harmon,
we like to begin each semesterCopy !req
1873. by clearing our minds
and doing some deep breathing.Copy !req
1874. I got 85 pork tenderloins with
balsamic vinegar demiglaze. Ka-blam!Copy !req
1875. Eddie, we gotta pack these
paninis for Rory's nature walk.Copy !req
1876. Pronto!Copy !req
1877. And someone get a rabbi down
here to bless this chicken.Copy !req
1878. Tomorrow we're gonna go kosher.Copy !req
1879. South Harmon actually
allowed me the opportunityCopy !req
1880. to rediscover my passion
for the arts.Copy !req
1881. So I urge you guys to do the same.
Let it come from the heart.Copy !req
1882. Let it come from inside. And...
And let the art speak for itself.Copy !req
1883. You agree?
Watch... Watch the tip.Copy !req
1884. Excuse me.Copy !req
1885. Whoa, whoa, whoa.Copy !req
1886. If you're gonna take my picture,
you gotta take it from my good side.Copy !req
1887. Um, so there wouldn't
happen to be anybody aroundCopy !req
1888. that could show me to my new dorm
room, would there?Copy !req
1889. As fate would have it, I recall
your room being right next to mine.Copy !req
1890. Really? They're not adjoining
though, right?Copy !req
1891. Oh, no, no, no.
That would be totally unacceptable.Copy !req
1892. And do me a favor.
Enjoy your time here.Copy !req
1893. You got four years,
these are the best years of your life.Copy !req
1894. And then, you're.Copy !req
1895. I told you.Copy !req