1. Everyone, have your money
ready. We only have so much time.Copy !req
2. Okay, say, "Cheers!"
Cheers.Copy !req
3. Say, "Beer!"
Beer!Copy !req
4. Say, "Cheers!"Copy !req
5. Glen, you got to take
that shirt off, pal.Copy !req
6. Why?Copy !req
7. Hands, you wanna
field this one?Copy !req
8. Uh, dude, you're getting
a fake IDCopy !req
9. and you're wearing a shirt
that says you're in high school.Copy !req
10. So?Copy !req
11. Okay, whatever.
I'll fix it later.Copy !req
12. Just do
what you were doing.Copy !req
13. Give me
some nice cat things.Copy !req
14. B!
Oh, hey, Schrader.Copy !req
15. What the hell
is going on here?Copy !req
16. Relax, pal.Copy !req
17. Five percent goes
to your favorite charity.Copy !req
18. Uh, I forgot to tell you,
I borrowed your keys.Copy !req
19. You borrowed my keys?
Come on.Copy !req
20. Well, I needed them.
Ow.Copy !req
21. We're providing a vital
service to America's youth here.Copy !req
22. Could we get the next in line,
please? No, we're not. Stay there!Copy !req
23. We're contributing to
the delinquency of minors, B.Copy !req
24. Do you know what will
happen to me if I get caught?Copy !req
25. Every day
after eighth period,Copy !req
26. Vice Principal Matthews
comes in here.Copy !req
27. He picks up
the women's fitness magazineCopy !req
28. and he snaps one off!Copy !req
29. Are you serious?
Yes.Copy !req
30. That is a problem.Copy !req
31. Uh, okay, well, we still have
the rest of eighth period, right?Copy !req
32. So, we'll just pack everybody
up and get out of here.Copy !req
33. Okay, let's go!Copy !req
34. Shit!Copy !req
35. Gaines! Gaines! Gaines!Copy !req
36. Okay, good, good.Copy !req
37. Ah, wonderful!
Vice Principal Matthews!Copy !req
38. So glad you could join us!Copy !req
39. What the hell is this?Copy !req
40. It's Glee Club
practice, sir.Copy !req
41. We're just gettin' ready for
Memorial Day. It's a big one for us.Copy !req
42. We don't have
a Glee Club.Copy !req
43. Not yet,
we don't, sir.Copy !req
44. But as the graduating class,
we wanted to leave behindCopy !req
45. a legacy that inspires
future studentsCopy !req
46. to take initiative
rather than spend their time,Copy !req
47. I don't know, privately defacing
women's fitness magazines.Copy !req
48. I mean, I went
to read an articleCopy !req
49. about no carbs and
higher reps the other dayCopy !req
50. and the pages were...
You are a rotten egg.Copy !req
51. as if by some natural
adhesive. That'll be enough.Copy !req
52. I need to cut
the poundsCopy !req
53. and I can't open the...
Stop it!Copy !req
54. Whatever does it for...
Stop it!Copy !req
55. That's all
I'm gonna say.Copy !req
56. Thank God
you're graduating.Copy !req
57. I'm the fourth-generation Schrader...
Sorry.Copy !req
58. To go to Harmon College, okay? Yeah.Copy !req
59. I can't do anything
to screw that up.Copy !req
60. You know, like, I don't know,
getting busted for identity fraud.Copy !req
61. Look at you.
Would you stop, man? Relax.Copy !req
62. We're all goin'
to college, okay?Copy !req
63. This is said by the guy
who's been rejected... Hey, B.Copy !req
64. by seven schools.Copy !req
65. Hey, I'm creating
dramatic tension.Copy !req
66. I got a good feeling
about number eight! Ugh.Copy !req
67. I got in! I got in!
I got into Princeton!Copy !req
68. Yeah! Yeah!Copy !req
69. Hey, I think that guy
got into Princeton.Copy !req
70. Oh, what makes you say that?Copy !req
71. I don't know.Copy !req
72. Bartleby! Hey.Copy !req
73. Hey, how are you,
Monica? Hey, how are you?Copy !req
74. Good. Do you know Schrader?Copy !req
75. No, I don't think so. Oh!
Yes! We...Copy !req
76. I actually...
We had a class.Copy !req
77. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
78. My shit was all crazy.
I sat way behind you.Copy !req
79. Yeah. Sorry. I don't
remember you, either.Copy !req
80. Sorry.
It's all right.Copy !req
81. Um, anyway, I really wanted
to ask you something.Copy !req
82. Sure, anything.Copy !req
83. Um, you know,
I know it's really late,Copy !req
84. but, um, last minute
and everything,Copy !req
85. but prom is coming up soon,
you know? It's okay. Yes.Copy !req
86. And I'm actually having a
party at my house beforehand.Copy !req
87. Awesome!
And I was wonderingCopy !req
88. if you'd like to, um...
If you could, um...Copy !req
89. I'd love to.
mow our lawn.Copy !req
90. Mow your lawn?
Yeah.Copy !req
91. Oh.
I'm sorry.Copy !req
92. Yeah. I'm really embarrassed,
but, you know,Copy !req
93. our mower's broken and my mom
was just, like, "Ask Bartleby!"Copy !req
94. That's cool!Copy !req
95. I... Yeah. Tell your mother I
would love to mow the lawn. Really?Copy !req
96. Of course.Copy !req
97. Thank you so much.
Yeah, sure.Copy !req
98. Thank you. Hey, babe!
Hey, yo, Monica! Come on!Copy !req
99. Sorry, I got to go.Copy !req
100. But thank you, again.
Yeah, sure.Copy !req
101. You're really helping us out.
Oh, great to see you.Copy !req
102. And, hey, it was nice to meet,
um, see you. Talk to you.Copy !req
103. Yes, yes. It was... It was
so nice catching up with you.Copy !req
104. Yeah. Okay. Bye-bye.
Bye, Monica.Copy !req
105. Hey, I'm sorry
to keep you waiting, baby.Copy !req
106. Hoyt Ambrose. Hoyt!Copy !req
107. Hoyt Ambrose. What's that
guy got that I don't have?Copy !req
108. I just need to get a car.Copy !req
109. And classic good looks.Copy !req
110. "I regret..."Copy !req
111. I can't believe
I didn't get into State!Copy !req
112. I wasn't even aiming high
with that one.Copy !req
113. That was my fallback!Copy !req
114. It was my safety school,
my fail-safe!Copy !req
115. Maybe you're just
too average.Copy !req
116. Hey, time out.Copy !req
117. Too average?Copy !req
118. Okay. Okay.
Excuse me, Lizzie.Copy !req
119. Remember who
you're talkin' to here.Copy !req
120. I didn't have to go to
gym class for a whole yearCopy !req
121. 'cause I claimed
to be allergic to sweat.Copy !req
122. Or what about the time I got the note
from my doctor saying I was nocturnalCopy !req
123. and I was allowed
to study in my dreams?Copy !req
124. I got the school bully, Frank Daley,
kicked out for two yearsCopy !req
125. because he was
sexually harassing meCopy !req
126. by pushing me up against the
locker and I said I felt something.Copy !req
127. I mean, come on.
That was pure genius.Copy !req
128. Maybe if you didn't write an essay
called "I Don't Have a Clue."Copy !req
129. Well, it's true. You know?Copy !req
130. I don't have a clue what I want
to do with the rest of my life.Copy !req
131. Mom and Dad
are gonna kill you.Copy !req
132. O ye of little faith.Copy !req
133. They're not gonna kill me.
Uh-huh.Copy !req
134. I just have to spin itCopy !req
135. and put it in terms
they can understand.Copy !req
136. I don't understand.Copy !req
137. I don't understand, either.Copy !req
138. Okay, I figure it
like this.Copy !req
139. The average cost of college
is, what, $20,000 a year?Copy !req
140. Now, according to these estimates
that I got off the Web...Copy !req
141. You can pass those around.Copy !req
142. Someone with no education
beyond high schoolCopy !req
143. can expect to make about $20,000
a year in the current job market.Copy !req
144. Now, that being said,
over the next four years,Copy !req
145. you could either
spend $80,000Copy !req
146. or I could make $80,000.Copy !req
147. Are you saying you don't
want to go to college?Copy !req
148. No. I'm saying that
it is fiscally irresponsibleCopy !req
149. for me to go
to college. You know?Copy !req
150. Are you huffing?
Oh, God. No.Copy !req
151. Are you high?
You're huffing grass?Copy !req
152. No. I'm not huffing, Mom. I'm
not stoned. I'm completely fine.Copy !req
153. In fact, I'm more clear and
level-headed than I've ever been.Copy !req
154. Okay, cut the crap,
Bartleby.Copy !req
155. Society has rules.Copy !req
156. And the first rule is you
go to college. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
157. You want to have a happy and
successful life? You go to college.Copy !req
158. If you want to be somebody,
you go to college.Copy !req
159. If you want to fit in,
you go to college.Copy !req
160. Well, you know what?
Maybe I didn't get into college.Copy !req
161. What do you mean?Copy !req
162. I didn't get accepted
anywhere.Copy !req
163. Oh, Bartleby.Copy !req
164. Damn it.Copy !req
165. I knew he should've started
preparing for college in junior highCopy !req
166. like his sister.Copy !req
167. Now, she's got a shot.
I've got a shot.Copy !req
168. She's got a shot.
Listen, guys.Copy !req
169. There are plenty of successful
people who didn't go to college.Copy !req
170. Albert Einstein,
you know.Copy !req
171. Pocahontas never
went to college.Copy !req
172. Corey Feldman
and Corey Haim.Copy !req
173. They had a great run.Copy !req
174. Both Lewis and Clark.Copy !req
175. Suzanne Somers. Bono.Copy !req
176. I need to go
check on the cobbler.Copy !req
177. "Check the cobbler."
Glug, glug, glug.Copy !req
178. You know, I really don't care
what Sonny Bono did or didn't do.Copy !req
179. You're goin' to college.Copy !req
180. I told you so.Copy !req
181. You were adopted.Copy !req
182. Everyone,Copy !req
183. I would like to propose
a toast to our graduates.Copy !req
184. To the Class of 2006,Copy !req
185. may the next four years
of collegeCopy !req
186. be the best years
of your life.Copy !req
187. Hear, hear.
Mom.Copy !req
188. Hey.
Hey, man, what's up?Copy !req
189. What's up, B? How you doin'? What's up?Copy !req
190. Dude, I swear,
if one more person tells meCopy !req
191. how excited they are to go
to college, I'm gonna lose it.Copy !req
192. Oh, man, I heard about the scholarship.Copy !req
193. That's insane. You're one of
the best receivers in the state.Copy !req
194. Uh, the best. And, uh,
no knee, no football, man.Copy !req
195. That sucks.
What are you gonna do now?Copy !req
196. I have no idea.Copy !req
197. That makes two of us, pal.Copy !req
198. It's fine, it's fine, it's
fine, it's fine, it's fine.Copy !req
199. Hey, Rory. What's goin' on?
Oh, hey. What? Fine. Nothing.Copy !req
200. Um, I... I didn't get into Yale.Copy !req
201. I did... I didn't,
I didn't get into Yale.Copy !req
202. I didn't...
I didn't get into Yale.Copy !req
203. What? I can't
believe that!Copy !req
204. Well, there's no room
for Rory at Yale.Copy !req
205. Too many rich kids
with mediocre gradesCopy !req
206. and well-connected parents
this year, I guess.Copy !req
207. No room for Rory,
who's been workingCopy !req
208. since first grade
to get into Yale.Copy !req
209. Rory, who only applied
to Yale and nowhere else.Copy !req
210. I had it all planned!Copy !req
211. It was perfect, B!
Perfect!Copy !req
212. And now
it's nothing! Nada!Copy !req
213. It's a goose egg!Copy !req
214. Okay. Well.Copy !req
215. God, Rory! Rory!Copy !req
216. She's handling that
really well.Copy !req
217. College
is for pussies!Copy !req
218. All right. I got to
get out of here, pal.Copy !req
219. Hang in there.
All right, man. You, too.Copy !req
220. Bartleby! Hey! Oh, hey, Mr.
Schrader. I was actually just...Copy !req
221. Did you have any cake?Copy !req
222. No, you know, I'm not
much of a cake guy.Copy !req
223. Oh, it is a hell
of a cake.Copy !req
224. It is the same cake we got for Scotty
and Seth when they got into Harmon.Copy !req
225. Oh, ah, everything
comes full circle.Copy !req
226. Jay! How are ya, bud?
Oh, I really don't...Copy !req
227. Hey, Stu.
Hey.Copy !req
228. I can't imagine your pride,
knowing your youngestCopy !req
229. is headed off to a good
college. Must take a load off.Copy !req
230. Yeah, well, not to mentionCopy !req
231. the load it takes off
my bank account.Copy !req
232. Dad.Copy !req
233. Nothin' like gettin'
a load off!Copy !req
234. What about you,
Bartleby?Copy !req
235. That's a good question,
Mr. Harkin.Copy !req
236. What's with the questions,
Mr. Trebek?Copy !req
237. Where you goin'?Copy !req
238. Um, I... I., well...Copy !req
239. I didn't really, uh...Copy !req
240. Bartleby screwed around and
now he's not goin' to college.Copy !req
241. He's thrown his life away.Copy !req
242. Yeah, that's... that's what
I was gonna say. Thanks, Dad.Copy !req
243. Wait. South Harmon
Institute of Technology?Copy !req
244. Yeah. B, you realize that
makes it S.H.I.T., right?Copy !req
245. S.H.I.T.?
I was wingin' it. Whatever.Copy !req
246. Just finish building
the website, please.Copy !req
247. This is the act of a desperate,
wildly unrealistic person.Copy !req
248. Yo, B, you have to hook me up with
one of these acceptance letters, bro.Copy !req
249. Are you kidding me? No way.
Why not?Copy !req
250. Oh, come on. The only way this is
gonna work is if we keep it quiet.Copy !req
251. And even then,
it's still a long shot.Copy !req
252. Dude, I don't care.
I have to do somethin'.Copy !req
253. The minute I lost my scholarship,Copy !req
254. my pop started talkin' about
me getting my own bus route.Copy !req
255. Help me. Please?
Mmm.Copy !req
256. You know something?Copy !req
257. For the safety of the public,
I can't let you drive a bus.Copy !req
258. Sweet.
But listen to me.Copy !req
259. This is just a temporary
stopgap measure, okay?Copy !req
260. Nothing more.
Gotcha.Copy !req
261. Bravo, guys. Great.
Both of you guys.Copy !req
262. Let's start this fake college. And then
we'll go start a meth lab somewhere.Copy !req
263. Come on. It's a gateway crime. What?Copy !req
264. That's how these things start.Copy !req
265. You know something, Schrader,Copy !req
266. you got into
a great college.Copy !req
267. And your future's
lookin' really good,Copy !req
268. and I'm psyched for you, pal, 'cause
you're my best friend and I love you.Copy !req
269. I'm talking about me coming
to you, asking for your help.Copy !req
270. Just finish
the damn website.Copy !req
271. Please.Copy !req
272. What do you say?Copy !req
273. There he is!
Fine.Copy !req
274. Get off me,
you idiot.Copy !req
275. But we need some sort of, like,
mission statement or something.Copy !req
276. Your dad's gonna want to see
that. I know him, he's a hard-ass.Copy !req
277. Hey, kids. Honey!Copy !req
278. Hey. Hi. How are you? Hey.Copy !req
279. What's this?Copy !req
280. South Harmon Institute of Technology?
What's that?Copy !req
281. Mmm? What's that?Copy !req
282. One of the most respected schools
in the area, that's what that is.Copy !req
283. Well, what's it say?Copy !req
284. I gotta open it first.Copy !req
285. Come on, hurry.Copy !req
286. Oh. I'm nervous.Copy !req
287. "Dear Bartleby,Copy !req
288. "congratulations,
you've been accepted!"Copy !req
289. I got in!Copy !req
290. Aw, thank God. Thank God.
I got in!Copy !req
291. Hey-o!
Oh! God!Copy !req
292. Honey.
I'm okay.Copy !req
293. Hey, this is great!Copy !req
294. It's so exciting!Copy !req
295. What the hell is South Harmon
Institute of Technology? Yeah.Copy !req
296. Oh, it's one of Harmon College's
sister schools.Copy !req
297. I've never heard of it.Copy !req
298. Well, because
it's the baby sister.Copy !req
299. It's the most discreet and
unharmed of the sister schools.Copy !req
300. You got any literature
on this place?Copy !req
301. Yeah, there's a website,
I'll show you the link.Copy !req
302. You did it.
You're a college boy.Copy !req
303. Wow.Copy !req
304. So you guys want to eat?
Yeah.Copy !req
305. Hey! I hate my life.Copy !req
306. I'm a huge tool.Copy !req
307. Have fun being hot.Copy !req
308. Bartleby!Copy !req
309. Hey, Dad, what's up?Copy !req
310. I took a look
at that website.Copy !req
311. Oh.Copy !req
312. Cool.Copy !req
313. It looks unreal.Copy !req
314. Unreal?Copy !req
315. Yeah, it looks
pretty unbelievable, huh?Copy !req
316. It seems
like a solid place.Copy !req
317. Really?Copy !req
318. Here you go.Copy !req
319. First semester's tuition.
Paid in full.Copy !req
320. That's great.Copy !req
321. Wow, thank you, Dad.Copy !req
322. Oh, sorry. Sorry.Copy !req
323. Thanks, Dad.Copy !req
324. Your mother and I
can't wait to drop you off.Copy !req
325. What we need to do
is lease a place near HarmonCopy !req
326. so we can fool our parents.
Yeah.Copy !req
327. Hey, Schrad, do you know any
places up near Harmon we can rent?Copy !req
328. Oh, yeah, I do,
actually.Copy !req
329. I carry around a list
with me at all timesCopy !req
330. of abandoned buildings
for fake colleges.Copy !req
331. Dude, I started you guys
a bank account already.Copy !req
332. What do you want me to be,
your realtor?Copy !req
333. Oh, hey, guys.
What's up?Copy !req
334. Hey, what's up, Glen?Copy !req
335. Hey.
Hey, Glen,Copy !req
336. when did you start working
at the Kwik 'N Stop?Copy !req
337. Since I got boned, hard,
by every college I applied to.Copy !req
338. Why, what happened?Copy !req
339. Some political crap.Copy !req
340. I got a zero on my SATs.Copy !req
341. You know
you get 600 pointsCopy !req
342. just for signing
your name, right?Copy !req
343. All right,
let's get serious, man.Copy !req
344. Now, where we gonna find a
place to pass off as a college?Copy !req
345. Hey, guys! I know a place.Copy !req
346. How'd you know
about this place?Copy !req
347. I used to do
volunteer work here.Copy !req
348. This
place is awesome.Copy !req
349. 'Cause now I can
finally get hepatitis.Copy !req
350. A bird in the hand,
dude. A bird in the hand.Copy !req
351. That doesn't
make any sense.Copy !req
352. It's a saying.
What?Copy !req
353. A diamond in the rough.Copy !req
354. Hope you guys
have hobo-stab insurance.Copy !req
355. Great.
The birthplace of crack.Copy !req
356. Hello, beautiful.Copy !req
357. Hey! Hey, guys,
don't go in there.Copy !req
358. This is breaking
and entering.Copy !req
359. Schrader, come on.
Don't be scared.Copy !req
360. Who's scared? I'm not
scared. You're scared.Copy !req
361. Schrader, you were scared to
try the new flavor of Dr. Pepper.Copy !req
362. I told you that
in confidence, Hands.Copy !req
363. Schrader, you were afraid
when your tooth fell out,Copy !req
364. because you were terrified
of the tooth fairy.Copy !req
365. That's actually
a legitimate fear.Copy !req
366. She was rifling
through my shit.Copy !req
367. Okay, fine.
Whatever, dude, stay here.Copy !req
368. Fine. I will.Copy !req
369. Okay, guys, seriously,Copy !req
370. I don't want to be here alone
when the walls start to bleed.Copy !req
371. We don't have
to renovate the whole place.Copy !req
372. We just have to focus
on essential areas.Copy !req
373. We got the... the main lobby.
Hallway.Copy !req
374. Dorm rooms.
Dorm rooms, exactly.Copy !req
375. I think this could really
work. Huh? It's awesome!Copy !req
376. Can you hold that?
Yeah.Copy !req
377. Guys, a little can-do attitude,
some elbow grease,Copy !req
378. maybe a smile from Schrader.Copy !req
379. It's like cleaning up
your room, you know?Copy !req
380. Welcome to the South Harmon
Institute of Technology.Copy !req
381. Atta baby.
The beginning of good things.Copy !req
382. Yeah.Copy !req
383. Schrader,
what the hell was that?Copy !req
384. Um, this is embarrassing.Copy !req
385. Are you kidding?Copy !req
386. It would be really coolCopy !req
387. if you guys wouldn't tell
people I scream like that.Copy !req
388. Ready, set, go.Copy !req
389. Whoo!
All right.Copy !req
390. Uh, whoa, Glen.Copy !req
391. Oh, hey, B.Copy !req
392. What are you doing here,
buddy?Copy !req
393. Rory told me about it.Copy !req
394. What are you doing? We were gonna
keep this place a big secret.Copy !req
395. But he didn't have
any place to go.Copy !req
396. He got fired
from the Kwik 'N Stop.Copy !req
397. Is that true? Why'd
you... Why'd you get fired?Copy !req
398. I got fired
for making a shrimp slushee.Copy !req
399. That's disgusting.
See?Copy !req
400. Why would you
do that, pal?Copy !req
401. 'Cause I was hungry
and thirsty.Copy !req
402. Oh, God.Copy !req
403. This kitchen is bitchin'!Copy !req
404. And this'll be the bath...Copy !req
405. Close the door.
Shit!Copy !req
406. Close it!Copy !req
407. It takes 10,000 steps
to get from here to greatness.Copy !req
408. And this right here,Copy !req
409. this is step one.Copy !req
410. Good luck, Son.Copy !req
411. Mister Ambrose, do you know what
makes Harmon a great college?Copy !req
412. Rejection.Copy !req
413. The exclusivity
of any universityCopy !req
414. is judged primarily
by the amount of studentsCopy !req
415. it rejects.Copy !req
416. Unfortunately,
for the last few years,Copy !req
417. we have been unable to
match the amount of studentsCopy !req
418. that Yale, Princeton,
or even Stanford rejects,Copy !req
419. primarily because
of our physical limitations.Copy !req
420. But all that
is about to change.Copy !req
421. Yale has one,
Princeton has one.Copy !req
422. And now Harmon College
will haveCopy !req
423. the prestigious entranceway
it deserves.Copy !req
424. A verdant buffer zoneCopy !req
425. to keep knowledge in,
and ignorance out.Copy !req
426. That is a great idea, sir.
Yes, it is.Copy !req
427. Now, you, Mr. Ambrose,
are chairmanCopy !req
428. of the Student Community
Outreach Committee.Copy !req
429. I need you to secure
all these decrepit propertiesCopy !req
430. in the neighboring community.Copy !req
431. So that we can demolish them
to make roomCopy !req
432. for the Van Horne Gateway.Copy !req
433. You know what?Copy !req
434. This actually looks
like the real deal.Copy !req
435. Guys, I don't want to be
too overly optimistic,Copy !req
436. but I think
this could work.Copy !req
437. It really looks
professional. Hello.Copy !req
438. Hey, kid,
where the hell are you?Copy !req
439. Oh, I'm, uh...
Listen.Copy !req
440. I took another look
at that website.Copy !req
441. What's all this "be
what you want to be" crap?Copy !req
442. No, no, Dad, they just...
They just have to say stuff like thatCopy !req
443. just to keep from being sued.Copy !req
444. Yeah, well, sounds like
a bunch of crap to me.Copy !req
445. Glen, go long. Set up
a meeting with the dean.Copy !req
446. The dean? Jesus.
Mother of hell!Copy !req
447. Your college does
have a dean, doesn't it?Copy !req
448. I'm good! Yes, of course
the college has a dean.Copy !req
449. Dad, you know, he's a
busy guy, though, you know,Copy !req
450. he can't just, uh,
set up a meeting with parents.Copy !req
451. Listen. If I'm paying for
it, I'm meeting with the dean.Copy !req
452. I want to make sure you have the same
education I did. A real education.Copy !req
453. Dinner's at 8:00. Wait, Dad, Dad,
Dad, I can't... I can't... Aw, shit.Copy !req
454. I gotta trim this corner right
here. I think I got poisoned.Copy !req
455. What's up, B?
We got a little problem.Copy !req
456. What?
Who was that, Bartleby?Copy !req
457. We gotta find a dean.Copy !req
458. In life, it's important to
distinguish between need and want.Copy !req
459. You think you want something because
you've been conditioned to want it.Copy !req
460. I want the Pump!Copy !req
461. I don't got the Pump.Copy !req
462. Look, oh, I got the
Tim Duncan Adidas Cool-D's.Copy !req
463. I want the Pump!Copy !req
464. Listen,
you insolent little snot,Copy !req
465. there are kids right now in Asia
who are sewing your stupid shoes together,Copy !req
466. so that their family can have
a bowl of rice to eat tonight!Copy !req
467. This is the worst idea
of all time.Copy !req
468. Your Uncle Ben
used to be a genius.Copy !req
469. He'll be fine.
Mom!Copy !req
470. What did you do?Copy !req
471. You're the one who
emotionally crippled the kid.Copy !req
472. You know what?
Maybe he's retarded.Copy !req
473. I'm glad my mother's dead.Copy !req
474. He's just having a bad day.Copy !req
475. Oh, my gosh.Copy !req
476. You want me to be the dean
of your college?Copy !req
477. No, I want you
to pretend to be the dean.Copy !req
478. It's just for one day.Copy !req
479. Uh, perhaps young Sherman
didn't share this with you.Copy !req
480. I've retired, I'm no longer
a shaper of young minds.Copy !req
481. Oh, really?Copy !req
482. Yeah, well, technically,
he was fired.Copy !req
483. That's not true. I got fed up
with the education racket.Copy !req
484. So I quit.Copy !req
485. I did send in my resignationCopy !req
486. in a rather
unorthodox fashion.Copy !req
487. You sent the dean of the
university a bag of dog shit.Copy !req
488. It was a metaphor.
For what?Copy !req
489. For "You're full of shit!"
Oh.Copy !req
490. That's not a metaphor.
That's a metaphor.Copy !req
491. Oh, semantics, schmantics.Copy !req
492. Three years from now,
I'm finished with this crap.Copy !req
493. I'm goin' to Papua New Guinea.
I'm outta here.Copy !req
494. Where...
Where you going?Copy !req
495. I'm going off the grid.Copy !req
496. No more, uh, franchises,
no more Botox,Copy !req
497. no more "Eh, oh,
let's clone another goat."Copy !req
498. And certainly no more
sexual harassment suits.Copy !req
499. What's wrong with saying,
"Hey! Nice tits."Copy !req
500. When did that
go out the window?Copy !req
501. Okay, Ben,
all I'm asking youCopy !req
502. is just shake a couple hands
with some parents,Copy !req
503. say, "Hi, I'm the dean,"
whatever.Copy !req
504. What if we pay you?Copy !req
505. Don't sully my dignity
with your cash.Copy !req
506. There you are! Did you
make another child cry?Copy !req
507. It's not my fault the kid's
a crybaby! Little dipshit.Copy !req
508. You're an asshole!
You're an asshole.Copy !req
509. You are an asshole.
And you're fired.Copy !req
510. Perhaps it is time to move on.Copy !req
511. But I get to bring my house.Copy !req
512. Deal.Copy !req
513. Right or left?
Right.Copy !req
514. Whose right?
Your call.Copy !req
515. You're an idiot!
You're upset.Copy !req
516. Go with what you feel.Copy !req
517. You got about 12 feet.Copy !req
518. Perfect.Copy !req
519. Asshole.Copy !req
520. Okay, smiles, everyone.Copy !req
521. First day at college.Copy !req
522. What's up with these colors?
Shit brown? Really?Copy !req
523. Glen picked 'em.
Of course he did.Copy !req
524. Where'd you find
all these people?Copy !req
525. Uh, I volunteer at an
English-as-a-second-language program.Copy !req
526. These are my students. I told
them if they wanted to pass,Copy !req
527. they'd have to
successfully assimilateCopy !req
528. into the American
college environment.Copy !req
529. Whoa! The parents are here!Copy !req
530. Okay!
We're on, guys!Copy !req
531. Okay, people,
it's showtime!Copy !req
532. Wow.Copy !req
533. No frills around here. Oh, none at all.Copy !req
534. None of that, uh, that ivy, or gargoyles,
or mahogany, it's the real deal.Copy !req
535. The real deal, huh?Copy !req
536. This is it, kid.
This is it.Copy !req
537. The big moment. Take this in.
Ah.Copy !req
538. It's exciting, it's scary.Copy !req
539. It's really scary.
Oh, look! Oh, it looks great.Copy !req
540. Okay.Copy !req
541. What's going on here?Copy !req
542. Okay, we lost
one of the campers.Copy !req
543. Curious campers.Copy !req
544. What are you doing? Don't
do that. Don't do that.Copy !req
545. Honey.Copy !req
546. Take it easy.
Okay, here we are. Let's...Copy !req
547. What the devil is that?
Oh.Copy !req
548. That's just a surge
of collegiate energy.Copy !req
549. It's college for you.Copy !req
550. Take a left up here
for the dorm room, Dad.Copy !req
551. Oh, uh, can you
hang on a second?Copy !req
552. I just really gotta go to the
bathroom a minute, you know.Copy !req
553. Oh, Jesus Christ.
I just wanna...Copy !req
554. No, no, no, no, no!Copy !req
555. Uh, it's, that's,
it's the men's room.Copy !req
556. You can't go in there.Copy !req
557. Well, can't you just
stand outside...Copy !req
558. Diane, can't you wait
till we get to the restaurant?Copy !req
559. Hey, I'll see you, Rasheed.
I'll see you in math class.Copy !req
560. You owe me 30 bucks,
by the way.Copy !req
561. You jokester.Copy !req
562. Here we are. You remember Hands.
Hey, Mrs. Gaines.Copy !req
563. Hey, hi.
The fam.Copy !req
564. You look great.
Well, thank you.Copy !req
565. When I first saw it, I was
like, I gotta live here?Copy !req
566. I can't believe this.
But it's a dorm room.Copy !req
567. Mr. Gaines.
Daryl, how are you, partner?Copy !req
568. Oh, thunder grip.Copy !req
569. Why are there bars
on the window?Copy !req
570. Oh, that's so nobody
accidentally gets thrown out.Copy !req
571. It's fine. It's a good
learning environment.Copy !req
572. Not a lot of extras.
You'll study harder.Copy !req
573. Yes. We will, because of the
blue and the sparse walls.Copy !req
574. I agree with you, sir.Copy !req
575. What are these?Copy !req
576. That's in case
of an earthquake.Copy !req
577. Uh, never mind that.
Hey, let's go meet the dean.Copy !req
578. Huh?
The dean.Copy !req
579. Come here, honey.
Come on.Copy !req
580. Which way?
Take a right there, Mom.Copy !req
581. It's gonna be fun.Copy !req
582. You know,
a lot of people sayCopy !req
583. that college is the time
when young men and womenCopy !req
584. expand the way
that they look at their world,Copy !req
585. when they open their minds
to new ideas and experiencesCopy !req
586. and when they begin
that long journeyCopy !req
587. from the innocence of youthCopy !req
588. to the responsibilities
of adulthood.Copy !req
589. Now isn't that
a load of horseshit?Copy !req
590. What?Copy !req
591. Could you explain that
to us a little more?Copy !req
592. Uh, Dean Lewis,
why don't you tell themCopy !req
593. a little bit about the
philosophy here at South Harmon?Copy !req
594. Look, we throw a lot of fancy
words in front of these kids,Copy !req
595. in order to attract them
to going to school,Copy !req
596. in the belief that they're
gonna have a better life.Copy !req
597. And we all know
that all we're doingCopy !req
598. is breeding
a whole new generationCopy !req
599. of buyers and sellers.Copy !req
600. Buyers and sellers!Copy !req
601. Pimps and whores.
Pimps and whores!Copy !req
602. And indoctrinating them into
a life-long hell of debt and indecision.Copy !req
603. I...
Um...Copy !req
604. I... I just don't understand.Copy !req
605. Do I have to spoon-feed it to you?Copy !req
606. Look, there's only one reasonCopy !req
607. that kids
want to go to school.Copy !req
608. Holy shit.Copy !req
609. Which is?Copy !req
610. To get a good job.Copy !req
611. To get a good job,
with a great starting salary.Copy !req
612. I couldn't agree more.Copy !req
613. It is so refreshing
to have somebodyCopy !req
614. approach education
so rationally.Copy !req
615. Fuckin' A!Copy !req
616. Well, Dad. Ow.Copy !req
617. Oh, Mom.Copy !req
618. You make us proud, kiddo.Copy !req
619. I'll try, Dad.Copy !req
620. Don't worry about
anything, okay?Copy !req
621. Bye, honey.
Seat belts.Copy !req
622. Spread your wings.Copy !req
623. I'm gonna fly.
You gotta let me fly.Copy !req
624. Bye, Lizzie.
Bye!Copy !req
625. Bye!Copy !req
626. So what do we do now?Copy !req
627. Well, my friend,
we're in college now.Copy !req
628. We can do whatever we want.Copy !req
629. Gotta hand it to you, B.Copy !req
630. Kids everywhere are busting
their ass in the classroom,Copy !req
631. and we're killing
aliens, dude.Copy !req
632. This is way better than learning.
We are learning here, pal.Copy !req
633. We're learning the dire cost to
civilization when diplomacy fails.Copy !req
634. We're learning political
science right now.Copy !req
635. What the...
What the hell is that?Copy !req
636. Who is it?Copy !req
637. Abernathy Darwin Dunlap, sir.Copy !req
638. Hi, there!Copy !req
639. What's your name?Copy !req
640. My name's
Abernathy Darwin Dunlap.Copy !req
641. But you could call me A.D.D.,Copy !req
642. on account of the fact
that I have A.D.D.,Copy !req
643. which is Attention Deficit Disorder
and you know,Copy !req
644. everyone used to think it was just
an addiction to sugar when I was six,Copy !req
645. and my mom used to cry because
she thought I would never be,Copy !req
646. like, a fully functioning
member of society,Copy !req
647. like my neighbor
who has Legionnaire's Disease.Copy !req
648. Oh...Copy !req
649. This is no longer
a mental health facility.Copy !req
650. I'm so sorry
we can't help you.Copy !req
651. Good luck to you, pal.
I don't need a hospital!Copy !req
652. Okay, okay,
what are you doing here, then?Copy !req
653. Well, unless
I misread the website,Copy !req
654. I'm here for orientation!Copy !req
655. Oh, you scared me for a second.
In more ways than one.Copy !req
656. Uh, you're looking
for Harmon College,Copy !req
657. it's just right on
up the hill.Copy !req
658. But good luck, have fun.
Go, Harmon.Copy !req
659. No! I'm looking for South
Harmon Institute of TechnologyCopy !req
660. because, well, it's the
only place I got acceptedCopy !req
661. and I'm looking
to pursue my degree in EnglishCopy !req
662. or law or animal husbandry
or anything really!Copy !req
663. Did you just say
you got accepted here?Copy !req
664. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah,
we all did.Copy !req
665. What?Copy !req
666. Thank you so much!Copy !req
667. Oh, God.
Holy balls.Copy !req
668. I'm sorry.Copy !req
669. Move, fool.Copy !req
670. Oh, look, there's my old girlfriend,
Sara Pelfan.Copy !req
671. You broke my heart!Copy !req
672. Please.Copy !req
673. Oh, uh, sorry, sorry.
No parents allowed past this point.Copy !req
674. It's part of our philosophy
here at South Harmon.Copy !req
675. We need to mold
your kids into individuals,Copy !req
676. and the first step is toCopy !req
677. sever the ties of
the parent-child relationship.Copy !req
678. Take him.Copy !req
679. We're just glad
Larry got in someplace.Copy !req
680. He's your problem now.Copy !req
681. Bye, hon. No biting!Copy !req
682. Hey, Larry.Copy !req
683. Okay, good talk.
Go on in there.Copy !req
684. You're gonna fit right in, Larry.
Unfortunately.Copy !req
685. What are we gonna do?Copy !req
686. This is supposed
to be a secret.Copy !req
687. Yeah, well, I guess
the secret's out.Copy !req
688. You go check the P.O. box, I'm
gonna go find Schrader, okay?Copy !req
689. Hey, pledge guy,
welcome to B.K.E. House.Copy !req
690. Can I take
your blazer for you?Copy !req
691. Get in there, your future
is right in there.Copy !req
692. Thank you.
All right.Copy !req
693. Oh, shit.Copy !req
694. Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry. Sorry.Copy !req
695. Bartleby. Hey, how are you?
Hey, how you doing?Copy !req
696. Good. I'm so sorry
about your jacket.Copy !req
697. Dude, don't worry about it.
It's... It's not even my jacket.Copy !req
698. Perfect.
So, what are you doing here?Copy !req
699. I'm, I'm looking for Schrader, actually.
Have you seen him?Copy !req
700. Uh, no, I haven't.Copy !req
701. Hey, I'm Sherman Schrader.Copy !req
702. I'll catch up with you.Copy !req
703. Hey.Copy !req
704. I'm Sherman Schrader. Okay.Copy !req
705. This is fun.
I'm just gonna hang backCopy !req
706. while you guys shoot around
and stuff, you know.Copy !req
707. Oh, shit.Copy !req
708. I got it.Copy !req
709. Oh.
That's a... It's a G chord.Copy !req
710. I used to play
in a Cranberries tribute band.Copy !req
711. Uh, we disbanded.Copy !req
712. Hey, you're Sherman Schrader.
Yeah.Copy !req
713. Hoyt Ambrose.
Yes, right. I know.Copy !req
714. Yes. You are the president
of this whole fraternity.Copy !req
715. That's right. Right.
You date Monica Moreland.Copy !req
716. That I do.
Right.Copy !req
717. I think about her
when I masturbate.Copy !req
718. What?
What?Copy !req
719. I didn't mean to say that.Copy !req
720. Yeah. So, uh, Sherman's father pledged
alongside my father back in the day.Copy !req
721. Oh, so you're the legacy.Copy !req
722. That's right. Legacy!Copy !req
723. You need... You probably
need this to play, actually.Copy !req
724. Was it here?Copy !req
725. Uh, was it there? Was it...Copy !req
726. So... So do you go
to school here now, or...Copy !req
727. I don't. Uh,
I go to South Harmon.Copy !req
728. Did you say South Harmon?Copy !req
729. Yes, I did.Copy !req
730. Oh, what's that?
Hmm?Copy !req
731. What's South Harmon?Copy !req
732. South Harmon is...
It's a college,Copy !req
733. just a very small college.
Teeny, tiny college.Copy !req
734. That's great. Well,
congratulations to you. Thank you.Copy !req
735. Hey, sweetie.
Hey!Copy !req
736. Oh, my gosh,
I was so excited for you...Copy !req
737. Actually, can you just give me
just one sec, okay? Thanks.Copy !req
738. Hey, winner, Hoyt Ambrose.Copy !req
739. Floyd Pambrose.Copy !req
740. That's weird.
Our names rhyme.Copy !req
741. Yeah, that is
pretty weird.Copy !req
742. That's kind of crazy.
Welcome to B.K.E.Copy !req
743. Thanks. It's great.
I love it here.Copy !req
744. All the sexually repressed energy.Copy !req
745. I love it. A lot of anti-Semitism,
but under the rug, you know.Copy !req
746. I like it, I like the way
you handle your business.Copy !req
747. Thanks. Thanks a lot.Copy !req
748. Well, hey, why don't you just
hang around and meet some guys?Copy !req
749. Oh, no, thanks, man,
I'm not into guys.Copy !req
750. I totally respect your lifestyle choice,
though, and good luck with it.Copy !req
751. Your parents probably
don't get it, but I do.Copy !req
752. I'll see you later, Monica.
Bye. It was good to see you.Copy !req
753. I'll see you later, Thor.
I mean Dirk.Copy !req
754. Uh, I mean Trent.
Sorry, Troy.Copy !req
755. Whoop, sorry, Goldie.Copy !req
756. Schrader, where you been? I've
been calling you for half an hour.Copy !req
757. What the hell, man?
I'm in the middle of rush.Copy !req
758. I don't care, man.
I got a situation goin' on.Copy !req
759. This is huge for me,
all right?Copy !req
760. You can't be here right now.
Okay, okay, okay.Copy !req
761. Remember that time we had to
steal my mom's birth control pills?Copy !req
762. Yeah, and then Lizzie was born.
It's worse than that.Copy !req
763. Where did these people
come from?Copy !req
764. Oh, from the chaos catalog.
They were going out of business.Copy !req
765. What is happening? I'll
tell you what's happening.Copy !req
766. I told you to make the website
look legitimate, not functional.Copy !req
767. Hey, you wanted to fool your dad.
And the guy's not an idiot.Copy !req
768. And, also, it was your idea to put
"Acceptance is just one click away."Copy !req
769. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put it as one click away,
you don't make it clickable.Copy !req
770. Oh, my...
Holy shit.Copy !req
771. Yeah.Copy !req
772. They all paid
first semester's tuition?Copy !req
773. Oh, yeah.
10,000 bucks apiece.Copy !req
774. I stopped counting
after the first 100 checks.Copy !req
775. That's $74,000,000.Copy !req
776. It's $1,000,000, Glen.Copy !req
777. Yeah. In human dollars.Copy !req
778. Okay, okay, okay.
We gotta do something.Copy !req
779. Hey, don't look at me.
Ask one of the founding fathers.Copy !req
780. B?Copy !req
781. This isn't my deal, man.Copy !req
782. I told you this was a
bad idea from the get-go.Copy !req
783. True.Copy !req
784. We could have
a Battle Royale.Copy !req
785. Wow.
What is that?Copy !req
786. B, you gotta
tell these people to go home.Copy !req
787. You are absolutely right,
my friend.Copy !req
788. I started this,
I'm gonna finish it.Copy !req
789. Thank you.Copy !req
790. Go.Copy !req
791. Hey. Hey, Glen!Copy !req
792. All right.Copy !req
793. Sorry. Sorry, sorry.Copy !req
794. Excuse me. I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, everybody.Copy !req
795. Can I... Can I just get your
attention for one minute?Copy !req
796. Um, yeah, I'll be taking
questions in a minute.Copy !req
797. Just give me one second, please.
Hold on. All right.Copy !req
798. Who the hell are you?Copy !req
799. Ah-ah. Okay.Copy !req
800. That's a good question.
Thank you.Copy !req
801. My name's Bartleby. Hello.Copy !req
802. Um, Gaines,
for what it's worth.Copy !req
803. And, um, you know
on the website how it said,Copy !req
804. "Acceptance is just
one click away"?Copy !req
805. Do you remember that?Copy !req
806. We had intended...
Hold on.Copy !req
807. We added that because
we were... Aw, shit.Copy !req
808. Yeah, okay, what... I'm sorry.
What... What... What do you want?Copy !req
809. When I got accepted here,Copy !req
810. it was the first time my parents
ever said they were proud of me!Copy !req
811. That's cool.
Um, that's cool, man.Copy !req
812. Hey, uh, just show of hands,
how many people applied to other colleges?Copy !req
813. Everybody. Uh, okay.Copy !req
814. And how many of you got in to
the other places you applied to?Copy !req
815. Nobody.Copy !req
816. Nobody got in anywhere else?Copy !req
817. And you know what?
I didn't, either.Copy !req
818. I didn't get into
a real college.Copy !req
819. A really, really good college.Copy !req
820. I know what it's like
to be rejected. It sucks.Copy !req
821. Rejection blows.
Being said no to.Copy !req
822. You know what, I'm sorry, you're
just not quite good enough.Copy !req
823. You didn't have
enough extracurriculars.Copy !req
824. You didn't play enough tennis.Copy !req
825. You didn't study hard enough for your scores.
So you're not gonna make it.Copy !req
826. You know what? Screw that!Copy !req
827. What's he doing?Copy !req
828. I think
he's winging it.Copy !req
829. Shouldn't we all have
the chance to be said yes to?Copy !req
830. At South Harmon,
we say yes to you!Copy !req
831. We say yes to your hopes.Copy !req
832. We say yes to your dreams.Copy !req
833. We say yes to your flaws!
So welcome!Copy !req
834. Grab a room, grab a friend,Copy !req
835. grab yourself,
we don't give a shit.Copy !req
836. Welcome to South Harmon
Institute of Technology!Copy !req
837. Oh, man.Copy !req
838. And welcome to S.H.I.T.!Copy !req
839. You! I love you!Copy !req
840. What are you doing?Copy !req
841. Do you realize
how stupid this is?Copy !req
842. You invited everyone to a
college that doesn't exist.Copy !req
843. I just couldn't do it, okay?
You saw their faces.Copy !req
844. They got rejected
from everywhere.Copy !req
845. What... What kind of message does that
send if I reject them from my college?Copy !req
846. You don't have a college!Copy !req
847. Hey, hey, hey,
where's the bookstore?Copy !req
848. Oh, we have a deal
with Amazon.Copy !req
849. You just buy 'em
with a credit card.Copy !req
850. When do we sign up
for classes?Copy !req
851. Uh, we extended orientation.
You're fine.Copy !req
852. Hey, man, where the heck
do we eat around here?Copy !req
853. Uh, Glen, uh, 300 pizzas.
Order them.Copy !req
854. 18 pizza pockets.
What? No, no, no. 3...Copy !req
855. Hey, who do I give
my intuition money to?Copy !req
856. Who? What?
Me, I guess.Copy !req
857. I'm done fishing singles
out of my G-string.Copy !req
858. I'm a college girl now!
Aw, yeah.Copy !req
859. Wow.Copy !req
860. Uh, B, hey, uh, you just
started a fictional college.Copy !req
861. Oh, God. Yeah, yeah, okay.Copy !req
862. Hey, do you guys have
a swim team here?Copy !req
863. Yes, you know what? This is Hands Holloway.
He's the Athletic Director.Copy !req
864. He can help you with anything you
need to know. I can't do it right now.Copy !req
865. Thank you, though, thank you,
I'm sorry.Copy !req
866. Uh, you guys, what are we gonna do now?
I just need a minute to think.Copy !req
867. What? What the...
Holy shit!Copy !req
868. Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Tex!Copy !req
869. What the hell
are you guys doing?Copy !req
870. What do you mean?
We're makin' the room bigger!Copy !req
871. Yeah, Thorgeous,
but this is my room.Copy !req
872. Who's in charge of room
assignments around here, anyway?Copy !req
873. Guys, I'd like you
to meet Rory.Copy !req
874. She is the resident S.H.I.T.
room assignmenter.Copy !req
875. And she'll be more than happy
to help you out with that. Okay?Copy !req
876. Okay, uh, I... I guess
I'll show you your rooms.Copy !req
877. Follow me.
Thanks.Copy !req
878. Sorry about the wall.Copy !req
879. Oh, it's fine.
Don't worry about it, man.Copy !req
880. It happens all the time.
No problem.Copy !req
881. Yeah, well, we actually
do have a problemCopy !req
882. because you don't know
how to run a college.Copy !req
883. It's fine. It's okay.
It's fine.Copy !req
884. We'll just relax, get some sleep,
we'll regroup tomorrow morning.Copy !req
885. It will be totally calm.Copy !req
886. Ahoy!
Scallywags and scally-ladies.Copy !req
887. Okay, dude, B, I'm with you
on this, I am.Copy !req
888. But we need a plan, dude.
We need a plan now.Copy !req
889. I know. I know.
I... I... I... I'm processing.Copy !req
890. You're gonna need
to process faster.Copy !req
891. What is... Why are the...
Find out what's going on.Copy !req
892. Yo!
Ah, there's my college man.Copy !req
893. How you doin', kid?Copy !req
894. Dad, now is not the... the...
the best time to talk.Copy !req
895. Hang on,
let me get your mother.Copy !req
896. Can I have this?
Come here, let me talk to you.Copy !req
897. Diane, pick up!
Honey! Is it you?Copy !req
898. Stop yellin'
in the damn phone.Copy !req
899. Oh, it feels like ages
since we've spoken to you.Copy !req
900. How's school so far?Copy !req
901. Oh, it's going great.
It's going really...Copy !req
902. Hey, someone here
order two dozen kegs?Copy !req
903. The... The... The old guy
with the hat, playing craps.Copy !req
904. What the hell
was that?Copy !req
905. Sounded like he said
something about two dozen kegs.Copy !req
906. Bartleby, are you
experimenting with alcohol?Copy !req
907. Aw, no, no, no.
He said two dozen eggs, Mom.Copy !req
908. You misunderstood.
Two dozen eggs.Copy !req
909. What took you so long?Copy !req
910. I've been building
a thirst over there!Copy !req
911. Hey, listen, I'm not paying for
you to be making omelets up there.Copy !req
912. Tell me what classes
you're taking.Copy !req
913. Classes?Copy !req
914. Uh, right. I'm taking...Copy !req
915. Statistics.Copy !req
916. And, uh, businessCopy !req
917. and anatomy.Copy !req
918. Anatomy?
Anatomy?Copy !req
919. Thanks, dude.Copy !req
920. Bartleby, Bartleby!Copy !req
921. Yeah!Copy !req
922. Hey. I always wanted
to go to college.Copy !req
923. Couldn't get in anywhere, though,
'cause I was in the military.Copy !req
924. Oh.
Beverage ops.Copy !req
925. I was snooping around,
saw something secretive.Copy !req
926. Next thing I know
CIA swoops in,Copy !req
927. does this whole
brain-scramble thing.Copy !req
928. Now I can't remember anything.Copy !req
929. So do you have room
at the college for me?Copy !req
930. You know what, we already
started the semester, I'm sorry.Copy !req
931. That's cool, man.
Yeah.Copy !req
932. It's just I... I got
my GI Bill,Copy !req
933. and I can pay you
all four years in advance.Copy !req
934. Okay, you're in.
Yeah!Copy !req
935. Yeah, welcome to South Harmon.
Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
936. How's the processing?Copy !req
937. I just have to figure
this whole college thing out.Copy !req
938. Here at Harmon College,
we offer a highly structured,Copy !req
939. time-tested curriculum carefully
designed to stimulate the young mind.Copy !req
940. So, Mr. Gaines, you're
thinking about transferring?Copy !req
941. I don't know
about transferring.Copy !req
942. My life is kind of, like,
a little weird right now.Copy !req
943. But I just kind of
want to figure outCopy !req
944. what all this
is all about.Copy !req
945. Sorry.Copy !req
946. And what college are you attending
right now? Sorry?Copy !req
947. The college that you're...
Oh, it's down there. By the thing.Copy !req
948. Pardon me?Copy !req
949. I'd like to look around,
if that's okay. Uh, that's fine.Copy !req
950. If that's what
you'd like to do.Copy !req
951. Thank you.
It was great to meet you.Copy !req
952. Oh, shit. Sorry.Copy !req
953. That's all right. No. You know what?
Leave them, leave them alone.Copy !req
954. Leave it, leave them alone.
And go on and take your tour, okay?Copy !req
955. A single rate of income tax
eliminates loopholes,Copy !req
956. allowances and exemptionsCopy !req
957. as well as
encourages paymentsCopy !req
958. through use of
low interest rates,Copy !req
959. which theoretically
would causeCopy !req
960. an economic boom.Copy !req
961. Now if you would refer
back... Aw, shit. I'm sorry.Copy !req
962. So theoretically
what I was saying was...Copy !req
963. This guy's pretty boring.Copy !req
964. Don't talk to me, man! Right,
this is gonna be on the midterm.Copy !req
965. And my whole life is riding
on an A in this class.Copy !req
966. This guy's...
EBITA!Copy !req
967. What?Copy !req
968. Earnings Before Interest,
Taxes and Amortization.Copy !req
969. Good afternoon, students,Copy !req
970. and welcome,
everyone in the spillover class.Copy !req
971. What the... What is this?Copy !req
972. We'll begin today's lecture...Copy !req
973. Okay, great, yeah. I'll see
you in the library at 8:00.Copy !req
974. And I'll bring my notes.
Okay, see you then.Copy !req
975. Bye, Monica.Copy !req
976. Monica. Hey.Copy !req
977. Bartleby. Hey, what, are you
stalking me or something?Copy !req
978. Stalking's an ugly word.Copy !req
979. I like to think of it more
like obsessively shadowing. Oh.Copy !req
980. I'm thinking about going here,
so I'm checking out the classes.Copy !req
981. Really? Yeah. Do you
like all your classes?Copy !req
982. Yeah. I mean, well,
I'm taking a bunch of classesCopy !req
983. that I don't
really care about.Copy !req
984. There was this one, though,
that I was dying to take.Copy !req
985. But, um, I ended up not being
able to. But, you know, it's okay.Copy !req
986. What was that one
that you wanted to take?Copy !req
987. Uh, photography. It's...
Really? That's cool.Copy !req
988. Yeah.
What was the problem?Copy !req
989. Well, see, there's this,
um, photojournalism class,Copy !req
990. but they said it's only
for journalism majors.Copy !req
991. And then there's this
art photography class,Copy !req
992. but they said
it's for fine arts majors.Copy !req
993. So my advisor said it would be best
not to take either one, or something,Copy !req
994. because certain
photography classesCopy !req
995. don't apply
to a degree in photography.Copy !req
996. Wow, that makes,
that makes no sense at all.Copy !req
997. I know.
Um, but I'm really sorry.Copy !req
998. I gotta go, I'm gonna be late for
my Ancient Roman History class.Copy !req
999. It was good seeing you. Bye.
Okay. Bye.Copy !req
1000. Hey, uh...Copy !req
1001. I'm... I'm just saying, I mean,
is that what college is?Copy !req
1002. What were you expecting?
A renaissance of the human spirit?Copy !req
1003. American education
is in the shitter.Copy !req
1004. You know why?Copy !req
1005. Because people forget
the most important rule.Copy !req
1006. College is
a service industry.Copy !req
1007. A service industry?Copy !req
1008. As in "serve us," as opposed
to the other way around.Copy !req
1009. Look, you see
all these kids out here?Copy !req
1010. They all paid
to come here.Copy !req
1011. Right. They all paid for an experience.Copy !req
1012. What kind of experience?Copy !req
1013. The hell if I know.
I'm not a goddamn mind reader.Copy !req
1014. Well, maybe
I should just ask them.Copy !req
1015. Welcome to the conversation.Copy !req
1016. What do I want to learn?Copy !req
1017. Why are you asking me?Copy !req
1018. Well, I'm asking you, Glen,
because I have a hunchCopy !req
1019. that no one's ever really
asked you that before. Yeah?Copy !req
1020. Well, I like pancakes and
alfalfa sprouts and lemonade.Copy !req
1021. Okay, you know what, let's appropriate
the bulk of this man's tuitionCopy !req
1022. to learning more
about the culinary arts.Copy !req
1023. Huh?
Food.Copy !req
1024. All right.
All right.Copy !req
1025. Rory. What about you?Copy !req
1026. Ever since nursery school,
every single waking momentCopy !req
1027. of every single day
has been scheduled.Copy !req
1028. So what do I want to do?Copy !req
1029. Nothing.Copy !req
1030. Cheap, zen, beautiful. I like
it. Hands, what about you?Copy !req
1031. Summer camp I made a paperweight
and won Camp Nagachewy'sCopy !req
1032. coveted woodcarving award
and next day,Copy !req
1033. ran a 4.6 forty and it's
been football ever since.Copy !req
1034. Mmm. Woodcarving, sculpting.
Good, something with your hands.Copy !req
1035. Well, there may be
something in there.Copy !req
1036. You can think about that,
and then get back to me. All right?Copy !req
1037. Schrader, what about you? Well,
B, I'm glad you asked, actually.Copy !req
1038. 'Cause since
we're going to prison,Copy !req
1039. I'm gonna learn how to carve
a shank out of my toothbrush.Copy !req
1040. Okay, ha-ha.
I'll tell you something, though.Copy !req
1041. All our lives we've
been told what to learn.Copy !req
1042. Well, today the tide
is gonna turn, my friend.Copy !req
1043. Because today
we're gonna ask the customer.Copy !req
1044. What do I want to learn?
What do I want to learn?Copy !req
1045. What am I interested
in studying?Copy !req
1046. Huh?
What?Copy !req
1047. What?
Come again.Copy !req
1048. That's a good question.
No, really, come again.Copy !req
1049. I thought you were
supposed to tell us.Copy !req
1050. Please come again!Copy !req
1051. I want to meet girls.Copy !req
1052. Girls.
Girls.Copy !req
1053. Some girls!
Uh, girls.Copy !req
1054. I wanna rock!Copy !req
1055. You know, and roll.Copy !req
1056. Well, as you can probably
tell at this point,Copy !req
1057. is that I really want to learn
how to slow things down.Copy !req
1058. More speed.
More vert.Copy !req
1059. Maybe something
with clothes, you know?Copy !req
1060. Putting them on,
taking them off.Copy !req
1061. I'm really good at that part.
You wanna see?Copy !req
1062. I want to learn how to
blow shit up with my mind.Copy !req
1063. Okay. Well, write it on the board.Copy !req
1064. Go ahead.Copy !req
1065. Okay, thanks. Okay.Copy !req
1066. All right.
Thank you, smiley.Copy !req
1067. Pleasure doing business
with you.Copy !req
1068. Yeah, buddy.Copy !req
1069. Taxes? I'll tell you
about that nonsense.Copy !req
1070. If you're rich,
the government'll protectCopy !req
1071. every buck you make
and every shit you take.Copy !req
1072. Kiki Dee.
Got a job for you, kid.Copy !req
1073. New school colors and logo.
You're in charge.Copy !req
1074. Really?
Don't screw it up.Copy !req
1075. I won't screw it up,
I... I won't screw anything...Copy !req
1076. What are you?Copy !req
1077. Health insurance, my ass.
They don't pay for shit!Copy !req
1078. You get sick on a Friday, they only
pay for Monday through Thursday.Copy !req
1079. You go to Dr. A,
they only pay for Dr. B.Copy !req
1080. You break your penis,
they only fix vaginas.Copy !req
1081. You mind if I join you?Copy !req
1082. Ah, cool. Awesome.
Thank you, that was great!Copy !req
1083. I'll see you guys later.
Okay, bye.Copy !req
1084. That's pretty, uh...Copy !req
1085. I know, right?Copy !req
1086. That's African
fertility sculpture.Copy !req
1087. It's beautiful.
It's beautiful.Copy !req
1088. The wood speaks to me.Copy !req
1089. The wood speaks to you?Copy !req
1090. Ladies and gentlemen,
the new S.H.I.T. line.Copy !req
1091. Thank you.Copy !req
1092. What is learning?
It's paying attention!Copy !req
1093. It's opening yourself up to this great
big ball of shit that we call life!Copy !req
1094. And what's the worst thing that
can happen? You get bit in the ass!Copy !req
1095. Well, let me tell you,
my ass looks like hamburger meat,Copy !req
1096. but I can still sit down!Copy !req
1097. I can't believe
this is a class.Copy !req
1098. Yeah.Copy !req
1099. Look what I did.Copy !req
1100. Ugh. What are those?Copy !req
1101. I call 'em GlenWads.Copy !req
1102. They contain every delicious flavor
in every single bite. Try one.Copy !req
1103. I'm not gonna lie to you.
They look disgusting.Copy !req
1104. This shit will get you high
on flavor alone.Copy !req
1105. Glen, I love
your Wads. Hmm.Copy !req
1106. Glen.Copy !req
1107. This is like the most... Literally the
most incredible thing I've ever eaten.Copy !req
1108. Heads up, bro.Copy !req
1109. Whoa.Copy !req
1110. And it's so easy to
swallow. Mmm. Wow, Glen.Copy !req
1111. Uh, excuse me. Thanks, buddy.
Sure.Copy !req
1112. Hey, how's it going?
Hey.Copy !req
1113. Can I help you with something?Copy !req
1114. Aren't you that guy?Copy !req
1115. No, I don't think so.Copy !req
1116. You're not?
I'm not what?Copy !req
1117. I saw you at rush.
What are you doing here?Copy !req
1118. I'm eating a Wad, man.
What are you doing here?Copy !req
1119. Wait... wait, let me guess.Copy !req
1120. You want me
to sign your petitionCopy !req
1121. banning minorities
from your yacht club. No?Copy !req
1122. I am the chairman,
actually,Copy !req
1123. of the Student Community Outreach
Committee at Harmon College.Copy !req
1124. Ah! That was my next guess.
My next guess.Copy !req
1125. That sounds very important.Copy !req
1126. As a matter of fact, it is!
That's why I said it.Copy !req
1127. And Harmon wants
to buy this property,Copy !req
1128. so do you know where I
could find the lease holder?Copy !req
1129. I do.Copy !req
1130. Well, could you tell me?Copy !req
1131. Oh, yeah, I could.
I could, Gunther.Copy !req
1132. Okay, well,
are you going to tell me?Copy !req
1133. No. I'm not gonna tell you.
I will tell you this.Copy !req
1134. The lease holder's not interested
in relocating at any point.Copy !req
1135. So thanks for asking,
and have a good day.Copy !req
1136. And enjoy the game show
that you host. Bye-bye.Copy !req
1137. Oh, look out.Copy !req
1138. Open it.Copy !req
1139. Ah. Thank you for coming by.Copy !req
1140. Have a good day.
I'm gonna go enjoy my Wad.Copy !req
1141. Hey! What the hell
is this place?Copy !req
1142. South Harmon Institute of
Technology. The best college ever.Copy !req
1143. Is this a test?Copy !req
1144. Hey, Sperminator.Copy !req
1145. South Harmon?Copy !req
1146. Knock, knock.Copy !req
1147. Oh, hey, Gwynn.Copy !req
1148. Hey. Hey, what are you doing
up here all by your lonesome?Copy !req
1149. You know, you're
missing the whole party.Copy !req
1150. Hey, have you ever heard of the
South Harmon Institute of Technology?Copy !req
1151. No. How come?Copy !req
1152. No reason.Copy !req
1153. Hey, pledge.Copy !req
1154. Hello, knights of freedom.Copy !req
1155. Sperman, do you know
why you're dressed like this?Copy !req
1156. Because it's required
for brotherhood.Copy !req
1157. Drink this.
Okay.Copy !req
1158. No, wait.Copy !req
1159. There you go.Copy !req
1160. Good addition, sir.Copy !req
1161. Hey, Hoyt.
Hey, what are you doin'?Copy !req
1162. Oh-oh. Hoyt.Copy !req
1163. Monica. Hold on. Shit!Copy !req
1164. Harmon Gateway, my ass.
Let me tell you something.Copy !req
1165. That's the kind of group-think mob mentality
that's dumbing down AmericaCopy !req
1166. and flushing your brains
down the toilet.Copy !req
1167. B! We have a problem.Copy !req
1168. Virgin daiquiri.Copy !req
1169. And easy on the lime there,
Eraserhead.Copy !req
1170. Comin' right up.Copy !req
1171. Lizzie.
What are you doing here?Copy !req
1172. You mean I can't swing by and
visit my big brother at college?Copy !req
1173. You are in college,
aren't you?Copy !req
1174. What is that
supposed to mean?Copy !req
1175. Come on, Bartleby.
The jig's up.Copy !req
1176. I'm telling Mom and Dad.Copy !req
1177. Uh, listen, what do you want?Copy !req
1178. $20,000.Copy !req
1179. What? No way!
That's insane. Come on.Copy !req
1180. I'm not gonna
play your little game.Copy !req
1181. I'm not gonna
give you a cent.Copy !req
1182. How do you like that?
How do you like them apples, huh?Copy !req
1183. Fortunately, Mom and Dad
are on speed dial.Copy !req
1184. I'll ask them to pick me up here.Copy !req
1185. Okay, you're gonna call
Mom and Dad, sure. Ringing.Copy !req
1186. You are bluffing
with the best.Copy !req
1187. You're very good, though.
I gotta give it to you.Copy !req
1188. Hi, Mom.
Okay, stop it.Copy !req
1189. Anything you want,
not money-related.Copy !req
1190. Your Razor scooter.
Done.Copy !req
1191. And a fake ID.
No! That's ridiculous.Copy !req
1192. I'm not gonna let you drink.Copy !req
1193. It's so I can vote, dumb-ass.Copy !req
1194. Oh. Okay, deal.Copy !req
1195. You need a Razor scooter
to vote?Copy !req
1196. What do you mean,
they're a college?Copy !req
1197. They're called the South
Harmon Institute of Technology.Copy !req
1198. The South Harmon
Institute of Technology?Copy !req
1199. What is this,
some kind of joke?Copy !req
1200. No, I don't think it is, sir.Copy !req
1201. Mr. Ambrose,
that is the one buildingCopy !req
1202. standing between me
and the Van Horne Gateway.Copy !req
1203. Well, I don't know
what to tell you, sir.Copy !req
1204. Tell me that
you're not that naive.Copy !req
1205. Colleges don't just spring up
out of the ground overnight.Copy !req
1206. You're right.
You're right, sir.Copy !req
1207. I know I'm right!Copy !req
1208. All right, don't worry. I'll figure a way
to get them out of there.Copy !req
1209. What an excellent idea,
Mr. Ambrose.Copy !req
1210. That's the kind of thinking that
will get you into law school.Copy !req
1211. Coming through!Copy !req
1212. Ow!Copy !req
1213. Hey, what are you
doing here?Copy !req
1214. I just came to thank you
so much for my camera, B.Copy !req
1215. It was so sweet, thank you.Copy !req
1216. Come on. Please, I figured,
who needs a life's savings, right?Copy !req
1217. Actually, I had a really
hard time finding this place.Copy !req
1218. You... You guys aren't listed
in the phone book,Copy !req
1219. and nobody really seems
to know about you guys.Copy !req
1220. Yeah, yeah, we're...
We're a pretty well-kept secret.Copy !req
1221. Well, let me... let me show
you the rest of the place.Copy !req
1222. Sure. Really?Copy !req
1223. Yeah, of course.
Okay.Copy !req
1224. Great.
Great.Copy !req
1225. Let's, let's go.
All right.Copy !req
1226. Two lava flows.
Thank you.Copy !req
1227. And keep your voice down.
People are playing.Copy !req
1228. Okay. Thanks, buddy. Mmm.
Oh, okay. Thank you.Copy !req
1229. He makes a mean drink.
Yeah. It's great.Copy !req
1230. All right. Hello.Copy !req
1231. How do you like your drink?Copy !req
1232. Yeah, it's really good, Glen.
Thanks.Copy !req
1233. Does she like hers?Copy !req
1234. Uh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, she...Copy !req
1235. Yeah, it's great.
Thank you.Copy !req
1236. Okay, great, thanks.
Okay, pal. Okay.Copy !req
1237. Ah, Glen.Copy !req
1238. Wait. So this is
your course guide?Copy !req
1239. Yeah, this is
a new pilot program.Copy !req
1240. See, the administration wanted
us to create our own classes,Copy !req
1241. so we just, uh,
write 'em on the board.Copy !req
1242. Really?
Yeah.Copy !req
1243. Wow, that's so cool, B.Copy !req
1244. Hey, why don't you
sign up for one? No, no.Copy !req
1245. Come on. Sign up for one.
No. No, Bartleby, no.Copy !req
1246. It... It's painless. I insist.
Oh, really?Copy !req
1247. Even if you don't sign up for
one you'll go on a fun ride.Copy !req
1248. Okay.Copy !req
1249. Just stop me when you see
something that you like.Copy !req
1250. Okay. Oh, I like this one.
"The Weaker Sex."Copy !req
1251. Give me a pen.
Oh.Copy !req
1252. B, there can't honestly be a
class called "Bullshitting 236."Copy !req
1253. What about "The Decline
and Fall of Chevy Chase"?Copy !req
1254. There's a wait list
for that one.Copy !req
1255. What?Copy !req
1256. Are... Are you okay?Copy !req
1257. What?Copy !req
1258. What the hell happened?Copy !req
1259. An explosion of flavor!Copy !req
1260. I'm working with some
very unstable herbs!Copy !req
1261. Wait, wait, wait.
So you're telling meCopy !req
1262. that there are no tests,
or essays,Copy !req
1263. or required reading,
or any of that nonsense?Copy !req
1264. That's what I'm sayin'. Wow. Ever?Copy !req
1265. Yeah. Never ever.Copy !req
1266. Ask me about my wiener!
That's amazing.Copy !req
1267. Yeah, it's pretty cool.Copy !req
1268. Oh, no.Copy !req
1269. Ask me about my wiener!Copy !req
1270. What the...Copy !req
1271. Ask me about my wiener!Copy !req
1272. Schrader?Copy !req
1273. Oh, hey, B. Hi.Copy !req
1274. And Monica.Copy !req
1275. Hey.
Why are you wearing this?Copy !req
1276. Every single brother in my
fraternity has worn this suit.Copy !req
1277. President James Garfield wore
this suit like a gentleman.Copy !req
1278. Oh, yeah,
and look what happened to him.Copy !req
1279. He got assassinated
by Charles Guiteau.Copy !req
1280. Don't ask me
how I know that.Copy !req
1281. Do me a favor, ask me about
my wiener really quickly.Copy !req
1282. Schrader, no.Copy !req
1283. Guys, my brothers could
be watching me right now.Copy !req
1284. Just ask me
about my wiener, please.Copy !req
1285. Why are you doing
this? What do you mean?Copy !req
1286. Come on. You're...
This...Copy !req
1287. You're humiliating
yourself, buddy.Copy !req
1288. You know what, B.
Don't mess with me!Copy !req
1289. These are the happiest times
of my life, all right?Copy !req
1290. Schrader. I'm so
happy, I'm the happiest.Copy !req
1291. I'm happy!Copy !req
1292. Hey! Ask me about my wiener!Copy !req
1293. S.H.I.T. Rag.
Hot off the presses.Copy !req
1294. Here you go, B.
Thanks, Boner.Copy !req
1295. The S.H.I.T. Rag?Copy !req
1296. Yeah, come on,
every school's gotta have a paper.Copy !req
1297. There's a great op-ed piece in there
about not believing everything you read.Copy !req
1298. It's really provocative.Copy !req
1299. As your de facto consigliere my advice
to you is to shut this down immediately.Copy !req
1300. And my advice to you
is to stop worryingCopy !req
1301. before you
spontaneously combust.Copy !req
1302. Yes, but you can't
just do this.Copy !req
1303. To be a real college,Copy !req
1304. you have to go through the
appropriate legal channels.Copy !req
1305. You need to be accredited.Copy !req
1306. Well, yeah,
could you take care of that?Copy !req
1307. Hey, B.
Pancho, looking good, pal.Copy !req
1308. Who's that?
Spank me.Copy !req
1309. That's, uh, the mascot.Copy !req
1310. Oh, it's the mascot?
Yeah.Copy !req
1311. A sandwich?
Yes.Copy !req
1312. You're the S.H.I.T.
Sandwiches? Yes, we are.Copy !req
1313. You are taking this
way too far.Copy !req
1314. How so?
Oh, I don't know, man.Copy !req
1315. Maybe it's the pool,
or the half-pipe.Copy !req
1316. That's not in the budget.
I'm re-investing in their education.Copy !req
1317. Those are South Harmon
cornerstones there.Copy !req
1318. Yes, but you're overlooking
zoning requirements,Copy !req
1319. noise permits,
there are insurance issues.Copy !req
1320. Come on. Insurance?
What's gonna happen?Copy !req
1321. Oh, shit.Copy !req
1322. Wow.Copy !req
1323. Yeah!Copy !req
1324. Aw, shit.Copy !req
1325. We gotta do it again, dudes.
Left the lens cap on.Copy !req
1326. No, you didn't!
Damn!Copy !req
1327. You know what? You're absolutely
right. This has gone way too far.Copy !req
1328. And I think we need to do
something about it ASAP.Copy !req
1329. Thank you.
Thank you.Copy !req
1330. Is this great
or is this great?Copy !req
1331. It's pretty cool, man,
but I gotta go.Copy !req
1332. The Roaring '20s is B.K.E.'s
biggest party of the year.Copy !req
1333. And we're recreating the
scene from The UntouchablesCopy !req
1334. where Roy,
as Bobby De Niro,Copy !req
1335. crushes my skull
with a baseball bat.Copy !req
1336. Wow, what an
incredible honor.Copy !req
1337. Could you sign a copy
of your book for me?Copy !req
1338. I got it on eBay.
They sell my shit on eBay?Copy !req
1339. You wrote a book?
Yeah.Copy !req
1340. But that was back
when I was drinking.Copy !req
1341. Come on, Glen, you can't
keep stringing us along.Copy !req
1342. Which one of us
is it going to be?Copy !req
1343. Quiet, quiet, quiet!
Quiet, shh!Copy !req
1344. Ladies and gentlemen, let's give
it up for your fearless leader,Copy !req
1345. Bartleby Gaines.
Come on up here, buddy!Copy !req
1346. Aw, man.Copy !req
1347. Thanks. Thank you.
Get up here!Copy !req
1348. Come on up!
I know you know this one!Copy !req
1349. Go. Go up there right now.
Go, man, go!Copy !req
1350. How you doin'?
Yeah! You the man.Copy !req
1351. I'm going
to have that.Copy !req
1352. Shut up.Copy !req
1353. Look, where the hell
is everybody at?Copy !req
1354. You! Hey.Copy !req
1355. Hey.
How are you?Copy !req
1356. Aw, God, look,
where the hell is everybody?Copy !req
1357. This is the biggest
party of the year, guys.Copy !req
1358. Band, hey!Copy !req
1359. Ah, you want to start
playing some music, please?Copy !req
1360. Hey.
Hoyt, hey.Copy !req
1361. There's, like, some big party
down the hill.Copy !req
1362. Oh, that son of a...Copy !req
1363. Hey!
B, oh, my gosh, that was fantastic.Copy !req
1364. Aw, my God, you saw that.
I'm embarrassed.Copy !req
1365. I don't know
what happened to me.Copy !req
1366. Someone possessed me, and it was
the spirit of Johnny Ramone, I think.Copy !req
1367. B, is there anything that
you're not incredibly amazing at?Copy !req
1368. Yeah, it's funny you should ask.Copy !req
1369. There are very few things
I'm not very good at.Copy !req
1370. Off the top of my head I can think
of spelunking, uh, telekinesis,Copy !req
1371. not crying at the end of
My Girl.Copy !req
1372. It gets me.
And dairy products.Copy !req
1373. Which is good, because you know
I'm not really in the moodCopy !req
1374. for any dairy products tonight.Copy !req
1375. Well, let's see if we can
get you something else then.Copy !req
1376. Let's see.
All right.Copy !req
1377. This is my...Copy !req
1378. I'm okay, I'm okay.
I keep forgetting this opens out.Copy !req
1379. It happens all the time,
I gotta get used to it.Copy !req
1380. Oh, no.Copy !req
1381. And this is...Copy !req
1382. Mi casa.Copy !req
1383. Bartleby, uh, oh, my God,
this is amazing!Copy !req
1384. Huh? It's fine.Copy !req
1385. I mean, I like it 'cause
it's simple, and functional.Copy !req
1386. Provides a good safe workspace
for me to focus on my studies.Copy !req
1387. B, this is so cheesy,
in the greatest way.Copy !req
1388. There is nothing cheesy
about a clap-on disco ball.Copy !req
1389. Maybe it's a little bit much.Copy !req
1390. I've wanted one
since I was a kid, though.Copy !req
1391. Wait, is everybody's room at
South Harmon this incredible?Copy !req
1392. Well, at South Harmon
you're freeCopy !req
1393. to kind of design
your own rooms, you know?Copy !req
1394. Whatever you're thinking,
whatever you're...Copy !req
1395. And I was thinking
clap-on disco ball.Copy !req
1396. How about that drink?
Can I get you a drink?Copy !req
1397. I would love a drink.
All right.Copy !req
1398. Ah, touché.
Ahh.Copy !req
1399. This party's
off the hook!Copy !req
1400. Hey, hey, hey, shut up!Copy !req
1401. All right.
Where is that asshole?Copy !req
1402. Come on, Bartleby,
that was 7th grade.Copy !req
1403. Yeah, exactly,
that was my point.Copy !req
1404. Well, I will have you know...
Oh, now,Copy !req
1405. now I can't go back to your
past, but you can go back to mine.Copy !req
1406. That Christina Aguilera look did
very well for me, thank you very much.Copy !req
1407. Yeah, you did great,
you did great. I know.Copy !req
1408. I remember you making out with Pete
Goochman in Julie Posner's basement.Copy !req
1409. You were at that party?Copy !req
1410. Oh, even if I wasn't there,
I would have known about it.Copy !req
1411. It made headline news
at school.Copy !req
1412. And... And... And that day
something happened in my lifeCopy !req
1413. that I never thought
would happen.Copy !req
1414. I became envious of Pete
"The Gooch" Goochman.Copy !req
1415. Never thought
it would happen.Copy !req
1416. But I was like, "He got to
make out with Monica Moreland."Copy !req
1417. Well, if you wanted to kiss me so
bad in the basement, why didn't you?Copy !req
1418. Well, 'cause the Gooch
beat me to it,Copy !req
1419. and I was a little shy,
and, uh...Copy !req
1420. Well, you want to
kiss me now, don't you?Copy !req
1421. You look like Carly Simon!Copy !req
1422. If I could bang one woman in
the world it'd be Carly Simon,Copy !req
1423. and you look like her!Copy !req
1424. Are you having fun?Copy !req
1425. I'm having so much fun.Copy !req
1426. Let's go find him.
Oh!Copy !req
1427. Oh, shit, oh, shit,
oh, shit, oh, shit.Copy !req
1428. Sorry. One sec.Copy !req
1429. Oh, shit.
Uh, I got a situation.Copy !req
1430. Come, come with me.
Okay.Copy !req
1431. Hey, have you
seen Schrader?Copy !req
1432. Excuse me.Copy !req
1433. Shit.Copy !req
1434. Monica?
What are you doing here?Copy !req
1435. Oh, you know, just picking up
my application for transfer.Copy !req
1436. You're telling me that
you're with this guy now?Copy !req
1437. Actually, Hoyt, um,Copy !req
1438. I'm telling you
it's none of your business.Copy !req
1439. It's none of my business? Yeah.Copy !req
1440. Oh, snap!Copy !req
1441. Hey, Hoyt, let me introduce
you to an old friend of mine.Copy !req
1442. The word "rejection."
She can be a real bitch.Copy !req
1443. But you don't have
to give her roofies.Copy !req
1444. So you're not gonna like her. Ooh.Copy !req
1445. You want me to give you
something funny to laugh about?Copy !req
1446. You mean something funnier
than your future alcohol abuse?Copy !req
1447. Battle Royale!Copy !req
1448. Uh, shit.
Let's go, guys.Copy !req
1449. All right, come on, guys.
Let's get out of here.Copy !req
1450. Wow, Monica, you really know
how to pick 'em, don't you?Copy !req
1451. Have fun with these idiots!Copy !req
1452. Bye-bye.
Bye.Copy !req
1453. Thank you for comin'.Copy !req
1454. Guys, let's get
the music back up! Come on!Copy !req
1455. Wet T-shirt party!Copy !req
1456. Mom? Dad?Copy !req
1457. Gwynn.
Hi, there.Copy !req
1458. What are you doing here?Copy !req
1459. I'm your escort.Copy !req
1460. Induction night,
big guy.Copy !req
1461. B.K.E., B.K.E., brotherhood,
brotherhood, you and me!Copy !req
1462. B.K.E., B.K.E. brotherhood,
brotherhood, you and me!Copy !req
1463. Sherman Schrader, you rock!Copy !req
1464. Aw, no! You guys rock!Copy !req
1465. Get ready to be inducted into
the brotherhood, you winner!Copy !req
1466. Yes! I want it! I want
everything you guys have. Whoo!Copy !req
1467. I want lilac shirts!
I want visorsCopy !req
1468. kind of tilted to the side,
with hair gel coming out of it.Copy !req
1469. I want to have sex with girls
that look like this!Copy !req
1470. You rock!
I know I do!Copy !req
1471. You do, yeah, you do.Copy !req
1472. Do I get hair gel now,
or do I have to go and buy my own?Copy !req
1473. Did you crack him?Copy !req
1474. No.Copy !req
1475. We'll crack him.Copy !req
1476. Sherman, do you know how long
that this fraternity has survived?Copy !req
1477. Yes, sir.Copy !req
1478. 153 majestic years, sir.Copy !req
1479. That is correct. Because it's
based on the most sacred principleCopy !req
1480. that brothers can share.Copy !req
1481. Trust.Copy !req
1482. And seriously, bro,
I'm beginning to questionCopy !req
1483. whether or not I can trust you.Copy !req
1484. 'Cause we know you been hanging out
with those freaks down at the loony bin.Copy !req
1485. So with your allegiance
being called into question,Copy !req
1486. I just wanted to ask you
just one thing.Copy !req
1487. Paddle.Copy !req
1488. That's actually not a question.
Shut up!Copy !req
1489. Are you with them...Copy !req
1490. or are you with us?Copy !req
1491. Decent party.
Not bad.Copy !req
1492. Okay, I'll give you decent.Copy !req
1493. Hey, where is Schrader?
He should be here for this.Copy !req
1494. I don't know. I haven't seen him
in a couple of days.Copy !req
1495. I hope he's not sick.Copy !req
1496. Okay. Quick, quick, quick,
everybody say "Cheers"!Copy !req
1497. Hey, "quick, quick, quick,"
get up in here.Copy !req
1498. No.
Oh, yes.Copy !req
1499. Yes, yes, yes. Come over here.
Okay.Copy !req
1500. Gotta up
the gorgeous quotient.Copy !req
1501. Okay. Get ready and now.Copy !req
1502. Cheers!Copy !req
1503. Schrader.Copy !req
1504. Schrader, come on, open up.Copy !req
1505. What are you...Copy !req
1506. What the hell happened to you?Copy !req
1507. Nothing. Just a little ritual
bonding over at the B.K.E. House.Copy !req
1508. What?
What are you talking about?Copy !req
1509. They kicked my ass, until I told them
all about South Harmon.Copy !req
1510. Oh, shit.Copy !req
1511. They took my laptop,
the mailing list, everything.Copy !req
1512. Shit. Man, I'm sorry.Copy !req
1513. All I ever wanted was a
run-of-the-mill college experience.Copy !req
1514. But not me, right?
I can't have that.Copy !req
1515. Not me!Copy !req
1516. 'Cause I'm too busy getting
the shit kicked out of meCopy !req
1517. and being an accomplice
to fraud!Copy !req
1518. Does the run-of-the-mill
college experienceCopy !req
1519. include stripping you
of your dignity?Copy !req
1520. Totally humiliating you, making you
wear a... a... a frigging hot dog suit?Copy !req
1521. It's a tradition.
A tradition?Copy !req
1522. Yes. I got a tradition for you.Copy !req
1523. Schrader, you've been my best
friend since we were 5 years old.Copy !req
1524. That's the only tradition
I know.Copy !req
1525. I just messed up.
I really messed up.Copy !req
1526. How? What happened?Copy !req
1527. With Schrader.Copy !req
1528. I know Bartleby
is by the pool.Copy !req
1529. Oh, my God.Copy !req
1530. What is it? Cops?Copy !req
1531. Worse. Parents.Copy !req
1532. Mom! Dad! Great!Copy !req
1533. Hey, guys.Copy !req
1534. Bartleby! Hiya, kid!Copy !req
1535. Hey, oh, it's so good
to see you!Copy !req
1536. Oh, it's great to see
you. Ow. You look thin.Copy !req
1537. There's five good ones right
there for my college boy, huh?Copy !req
1538. Hey, hey, Dad.Copy !req
1539. What are you doing here?Copy !req
1540. Well, Parents' Day.Copy !req
1541. What a wonderful idea on the
part of the college, you know?Copy !req
1542. Yeah.
Oh, right.Copy !req
1543. Parents' Day.
Of course.Copy !req
1544. Hello, everyone.
Now, welcome to Parents' Day.Copy !req
1545. And, uh, we're very glad
you could be here.Copy !req
1546. Um, we have a wonderful
guided tour plannedCopy !req
1547. around the grounds
and the campus,Copy !req
1548. Show you what we've
been working on all year.Copy !req
1549. So, welcome one and
all. Excuse me, everyone.Copy !req
1550. May I have
your attention, please?Copy !req
1551. Oh, shit.Copy !req
1552. I knew I smelled bacon.Copy !req
1553. My name is Richard Van Horne.Copy !req
1554. Oh, Van Horne, yes.Copy !req
1555. The dean of Harmon College,
our big sister school.Copy !req
1556. Give him a round of applause.
He's earned it.Copy !req
1557. Thank you for comin' by.
Great to see him here.Copy !req
1558. They are our
big sister school,Copy !req
1559. and we are honored
by their presence.Copy !req
1560. Thank you for that nice introduction,
young man, but the joke is over.Copy !req
1561. Ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
1562. South Harmon
Institute of TechnologyCopy !req
1563. is not the sister school
of HarmonCopy !req
1564. or of anything else,
for that matter.Copy !req
1565. More like cousins.
Thank you for coming.Copy !req
1566. It is not accredited.
Any...Copy !req
1567. Nor is it truly
an educational institution.Copy !req
1568. Is this true, Bartleby?Copy !req
1569. It is a sham, a fraud,Copy !req
1570. that undermines the efforts
of real colleges everywhere,Copy !req
1571. and I invite you
to confirm thatCopy !req
1572. with the State Board
of Accreditation.Copy !req
1573. To all those students
who have been duped,Copy !req
1574. good luck applying
to schools next year.Copy !req
1575. And to Mr. Gaines I say you will
be hearing from our attorneys.Copy !req
1576. Wow, Parents' Day.
Man, I wish I would have thought of that.Copy !req
1577. Oh, that's right, I did.Copy !req
1578. Oh, and by the way,Copy !req
1579. if you, uh, if you see
that lease holder of yours,Copy !req
1580. will you tell him that his
lease automatically breaksCopy !req
1581. when he's found
guilty of fraud?Copy !req
1582. Cool. Thanks, D.Copy !req
1583. Er, was it G?Copy !req
1584. That's right, it's F.
See you, F.Copy !req
1585. Guys, I can explain.
Mmm-mmm.Copy !req
1586. You have done some stupid
things in your life, Bartleby,Copy !req
1587. but this...Copy !req
1588. You get your stuff together.
You meet us in the car.Copy !req
1589. This is unconscionable.Copy !req
1590. Ridiculous.Copy !req
1591. Hey.Copy !req
1592. So,Copy !req
1593. none of this was real?Copy !req
1594. That's not true.Copy !req
1595. Wait, Monica. Monica, wait.Copy !req
1596. Monica.Copy !req
1597. Sorry, man.Copy !req
1598. It's cool. We tried.Copy !req
1599. Have you completely
lost your mind?Copy !req
1600. Guys, the state defines
a college as a body of peopleCopy !req
1601. with a shared common purpose
of a higher education.Copy !req
1602. Well that's us, isn't it?Copy !req
1603. I mean, you know, with the word
"higher" kind of loosely defined.Copy !req
1604. Uh, yeah.
He's completely lost his mind.Copy !req
1605. No, no. Listen,
all we have to doCopy !req
1606. is go before
the state accrediting board,Copy !req
1607. with a licensed administrator,
and just present our case.Copy !req
1608. B, look, let's just cut
our losses, okay?Copy !req
1609. What are we
talking about here, huh?Copy !req
1610. We're talking about
a stupid piece of paper.Copy !req
1611. I mean,
if a stupid piece of paperCopy !req
1612. is what's gonna
make us acceptable,Copy !req
1613. then let's go for it.
Why not?Copy !req
1614. 'Cause you gotta remember, it's
not just about us anymore, okay?Copy !req
1615. It's about everyone
who went to South Harmon.Copy !req
1616. Ah, great speech.Copy !req
1617. I was inspired,
I felt inspired by it.Copy !req
1618. Thanks a lot,
I'm... I'm taking it on tour.Copy !req
1619. What are you doing here?Copy !req
1620. Aw, I don't know. I had...
I had to pick up some stuff.Copy !req
1621. Some sage. Eggplant.
Olive oil. Some Funyuns.Copy !req
1622. Wait a minute.Copy !req
1623. Come on!Copy !req
1624. You're the one that applied
for accreditation, aren't you?Copy !req
1625. Well, someone had
to do it, you know?Copy !req
1626. We all can't live
with our heads up our asses.Copy !req
1627. I disagree.
I... I don't get it, man.Copy !req
1628. You said you didn't wanna
be a part of this thing.Copy !req
1629. I didn't want to have
anything to do with it.Copy !req
1630. I wanted to be the fourth generation
of Schrader to go to Harmon.Copy !req
1631. But then I realized,Copy !req
1632. I would much rather be the
first generation of SchraderCopy !req
1633. to go to the South Harmon
Institute of Technology.Copy !req
1634. I said it, okay?
I said it.Copy !req
1635. So you're saying,Copy !req
1636. you're saying you want
to be a S.H.I.T. head?Copy !req
1637. I'm sayin' I want to be
a S.H.I.T. head.Copy !req
1638. I wanna be a S.H.I.T. head.Copy !req
1639. Yeah, man, well, it's good
to have you back, buddy.Copy !req
1640. Yes.
Yeah!Copy !req
1641. Yay!Copy !req
1642. All right,
so we're doing it.Copy !req
1643. Thanks to this S.H.I.T. head,
we got a hearing set for Friday.Copy !req
1644. Don't sweat it, kid.
I'm all over it.Copy !req
1645. All right, please remember,
Ben, this is serious, all right?Copy !req
1646. If this doesn't work,
I'm going to prison.Copy !req
1647. Oh, don't worry, you're
young. Your butt can take it.Copy !req
1648. Hello, sir. Um,
we're from South Harmon.Copy !req
1649. We have a 3:00
in Hearing Room A.Copy !req
1650. Okay, actually your meeting room's
been changed to the Grand Hall.Copy !req
1651. Why the change?
It's bigger.Copy !req
1652. How did they...
Rory called them.Copy !req
1653. The whole school?Copy !req
1654. I had to do something.Copy !req
1655. This meeting of the State Board
of Education will come to order.Copy !req
1656. Today we'll be hearing
the case for accreditationCopy !req
1657. for the South Harmon
Institute of Technology.Copy !req
1658. Your case for accreditation
is being contestedCopy !req
1659. by Dean Richard Van Horne,Copy !req
1660. representing Harmon College.Copy !req
1661. Loser. Loser.Copy !req
1662. In order to become accredited,Copy !req
1663. a school must meet
three requirements.Copy !req
1664. You must have a facility,
a curriculum and a faculty.Copy !req
1665. Please state your case.Copy !req
1666. You're on, kid.Copy !req
1667. What? I thought you were gonna handle this.
What are you doing?Copy !req
1668. Rule number one,
lead with your star witness.Copy !req
1669. Nobody knows South Harmon and
these kids better than you.Copy !req
1670. So, it's showtime.Copy !req
1671. Let's kick some ass.Copy !req
1672. You're gonna be great, man.
Just go do your thing.Copy !req
1673. Sling some bull.Copy !req
1674. Oh, God.Copy !req
1675. Okay.Copy !req
1676. Uh,Copy !req
1677. ladies and gentlemen of the panel,
thank you for meeting with us.Copy !req
1678. Um, my name's Bartleby Gaines
and I'm the co-founder ofCopy !req
1679. South Harmon
Institute of Technology.Copy !req
1680. Sorry. Friends of mine.Copy !req
1681. Um, I'm... I'm sorry,
first of all,Copy !req
1682. what were those three things
that you listed?Copy !req
1683. A facility, a curriculum
and a faculty.Copy !req
1684. Facility, right.Copy !req
1685. Okay, well,
we definitely have a facility.Copy !req
1686. Uh, we have a common room,
we have dorm rooms.Copy !req
1687. Uh, we have
a skateboard ramp.Copy !req
1688. We got a tiki bar. Umm...Copy !req
1689. They have leased
an old mental hospital.Copy !req
1690. They have none of the
traditional support facilitiesCopy !req
1691. or resources.Copy !req
1692. Mr. Gaines, do you have a
formal athletic facility?Copy !req
1693. Okay, uh,
by formal you mean...Copy !req
1694. No. No, we don't.Copy !req
1695. A library?Copy !req
1696. No.Copy !req
1697. A health services center?
No.Copy !req
1698. No.Copy !req
1699. Your curriculum?Copy !req
1700. Our curriculum?
Yes.Copy !req
1701. Do you have a course book? A comprehensive
list of your available classes?Copy !req
1702. Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Uh, Sunshine. Can you...Copy !req
1703. What is this?Copy !req
1704. Our curriculum. These are the
courses we offer at South Harmon.Copy !req
1705. This is a joke.
"Slacking 101"?Copy !req
1706. Uh, tell me, Mr. Gaines,Copy !req
1707. how does one major
in bumper stickers?Copy !req
1708. Sir, um...Copy !req
1709. I'm sorry, Mr. Gaines.Copy !req
1710. I fail to see any meritCopy !req
1711. or scholastic value in
anything listed on that board.Copy !req
1712. Okay, uh, guys,
you want to help me out here?Copy !req
1713. In "Taking A Walk
and Thinking About Stuff,"Copy !req
1714. we get to think about what
we want to do with our livesCopy !req
1715. in a stress-free environment.Copy !req
1716. "Let It Speak To You 202" is an art
class in which we discover our talentsCopy !req
1717. by examining our
personal life experiences.Copy !req
1718. In "Skateboarding 234" we built a ramp
that teaches us about engineering...Copy !req
1719. And physics.
And aerodynamics.Copy !req
1720. In "Rock Our Faces Off 222"Copy !req
1721. we listen to the music and
lyrical angst of a lost generation.Copy !req
1722. And we rock our faces off.Copy !req
1723. They do.Copy !req
1724. Do you have
faculty present?Copy !req
1725. Yes, we do, sir.Copy !req
1726. Faculty, stand.Copy !req
1727. What is the meaning
of this?Copy !req
1728. See, at South Harmon, sir,
the students are the teachers.Copy !req
1729. Aw, this is preposterous.Copy !req
1730. Students are not
and cannot be teachers.Copy !req
1731. Dean Van Horne
is right.Copy !req
1732. You must have a faculty as defined by
the state, or you cannot be accredited.Copy !req
1733. Mr. Gaines, have you
employed a faculty or not?Copy !req
1734. Um...Copy !req
1735. Present and accounted for.Copy !req
1736. Oh, for God's sake.Copy !req
1737. Dr. Alexander, this man has not been
a part of academia for three decades.Copy !req
1738. We were on the faculty together
at Harmon in our late 20s,Copy !req
1739. and he washed out.Copy !req
1740. He's a drunk, he's a degenerate,
and he's looney tunes.Copy !req
1741. Hey, asshole! You're talking
about my mom's brother!Copy !req
1742. Oh, sit down!
Okay.Copy !req
1743. Hey! Why don't you take your PhD
and shove it up your A-S-S?Copy !req
1744. Settle down
right this minute!Copy !req
1745. Dean Lewis! Sit down.Copy !req
1746. Order!Copy !req
1747. Couldn't help myself.Copy !req
1748. So, is that it,
Mr. Gaines?Copy !req
1749. You have one formal teacher
for upwards of 300 students?Copy !req
1750. Mr. Gaines.Copy !req
1751. Answer the question.Copy !req
1752. Nah, I'm not gonna
answer your question,Copy !req
1753. 'cause you guys have
already made up your minds.Copy !req
1754. I'm an expert in rejection,Copy !req
1755. and I can see it
on your faces.Copy !req
1756. And it's too bad that you
judge us by the way we lookCopy !req
1757. and not by who we are.Copy !req
1758. Just because you want us
to be more like themCopy !req
1759. when the truth is
we're not like them.Copy !req
1760. And I am damn proud
of that fact.Copy !req
1761. Rock on!Copy !req
1762. I mean,Copy !req
1763. Harmon College and their...
And their 100 years of tradition.Copy !req
1764. But tradition of what?Copy !req
1765. Of hazing kidsCopy !req
1766. and humiliating anyone
who's a little bit different?Copy !req
1767. Of putting
so much pressure on kidsCopy !req
1768. they turn into these...
These stress freaks and caffeine addicts.Copy !req
1769. Your phony school demeans
real colleges everywhere!Copy !req
1770. Why? Why can't
we both exist? Huh?Copy !req
1771. You can have your grades,
and your rulesCopy !req
1772. and your structure,
and your ivory towers,Copy !req
1773. and then we'll do things
our way.Copy !req
1774. Why do we have to conform
to what you want?Copy !req
1775. Your curriculum is a joke,
and you, sir, are a criminal.Copy !req
1776. You know what?
You're a criminal.Copy !req
1777. 'Cause you rob these kids of
their creativity and their passion.Copy !req
1778. That's the real crime!Copy !req
1779. Yeah.
Maybe he's right.Copy !req
1780. Well, what about you parents?Copy !req
1781. Did... Did the system
really work out for you?Copy !req
1782. Did it teach you
to follow your heart,Copy !req
1783. or to just play it safe,
roll over?Copy !req
1784. What about you guys?Copy !req
1785. Did you always want to be
school administrators?Copy !req
1786. Dr. Alexander,
was that your dream?Copy !req
1787. Or maybe no,
maybe you wanted to be a poet.Copy !req
1788. Maybe you wanted to be
a magician or an artist.Copy !req
1789. Maybe you just wanted
to travel the world.Copy !req
1790. Look, I... I... I... I lied to you.Copy !req
1791. I lied to all of you,
and I'm sorry.Copy !req
1792. Dad, especially to you.Copy !req
1793. But out of that desperation,
something happened that was so amazing.Copy !req
1794. Life was full
of possibilities.Copy !req
1795. And isn't that what you
ultimately want for us?Copy !req
1796. As parents, I mean, is...
is that, is possibilities.Copy !req
1797. Well, we came here today
to ask for your approval,Copy !req
1798. and something
just occurred to me.Copy !req
1799. I don't give a shit!Copy !req
1800. Who cares about your approval?Copy !req
1801. We don't need your approval to
tell us that what we did was real.Copy !req
1802. 'Cause there are so few truths
in this world,Copy !req
1803. that when you see one,
you know it.Copy !req
1804. And I know that it is a truthCopy !req
1805. that real learning
took place at South Harmon.Copy !req
1806. Whether you like it or not,
it did.Copy !req
1807. 'Cause you don't need teachers
or classroomsCopy !req
1808. or... or fancy highbrow traditions
or money to really learn.Copy !req
1809. You just need people with a
desire to better themselves,Copy !req
1810. and we got that by the
shitload at South Harmon.Copy !req
1811. So you can go ahead,
sign your forms,Copy !req
1812. reject us and shoot us down,
and do whatever you gotta do.Copy !req
1813. It doesn't really matter
at this point.Copy !req
1814. Because we'll never
stop learning,Copy !req
1815. and we'll never stop growing,Copy !req
1816. and we'll never forget the
ideals that were instilled in usCopy !req
1817. at our place.Copy !req
1818. 'Cause we are
S.H.I.T. heads now,Copy !req
1819. and we'll be
S.H.I.T. heads foreverCopy !req
1820. and nothing you can say
or do or stampCopy !req
1821. can take that away from us!
So go!Copy !req
1822. Go ahead!Copy !req
1823. Everyone,Copy !req
1824. please, quiet down.Copy !req
1825. Everyone, please quiet down.Copy !req
1826. Quiet down. Please.Copy !req
1827. Thank you.Copy !req
1828. Mr. Gaines,Copy !req
1829. your presentation
was unorthodox,Copy !req
1830. to say the least,Copy !req
1831. and your methodology isCopy !req
1832. questionable at best.Copy !req
1833. However,Copy !req
1834. the true purpose of education
is to stimulate the creativityCopy !req
1835. and the passions
of the student body.Copy !req
1836. And in that regard
you have certainly succeeded.Copy !req
1837. This board does not
reject innovation,Copy !req
1838. but it must be
watched carefully.Copy !req
1839. Therefore,Copy !req
1840. the South Harmon
Institute of TechnologyCopy !req
1841. will be granted a one-year
probationary periodCopy !req
1842. in which to continue
its experimental programs.Copy !req
1843. Don't be so quick to judge
us by the way we look.Copy !req
1844. Congratulations.Copy !req
1845. Mr. Gaines?Copy !req
1846. Trombone.Copy !req
1847. What?Copy !req
1848. I wanted to play
jazz trombone.Copy !req
1849. It's never too late, sir.Copy !req
1850. Thank you.Copy !req
1851. Hey.
Hey.Copy !req
1852. What are you doing here?Copy !req
1853. I don't know. There were just
a lot of things in my lifeCopy !req
1854. that I thought were real
that ended up being fake.Copy !req
1855. So, why can't the opposite be true?Copy !req
1856. This is not your orientation.
This is your disorientation.Copy !req
1857. You have been orientated for years.Copy !req
1858. Don't come up to me and go
"Where am I gonna get that?"Copy !req
1859. I'm not interested!
You figure it out.Copy !req
1860. I only wanted big
things for you, Bartleby.Copy !req
1861. I'd say this is pretty big.Copy !req
1862. Thanks, Dad.
Ah!Copy !req
1863. Thanks, Pop.Copy !req
1864. Okay, honey, I want you
to have a good semester.Copy !req
1865. Okay, I will. I love you.
Lizzie, up top.Copy !req
1866. Wasn't enthusiastic,
but I'll take it.Copy !req
1867. And I appreciate the smile.Copy !req
1868. Schrads! Hey, no time
for chit-chat, my friend.Copy !req
1869. I'm teaching "Skepticism 401."
Sha-mon!Copy !req
1870. At South Harmon,
we like to begin each semesterCopy !req
1871. by clearing our minds
and doing some deep breathing.Copy !req
1872. I got 85 pork tenderloins with
balsamic vinegar demiglaze. Ka-blam!Copy !req
1873. Eddie, we gotta pack these
paninis for Rory's nature walk.Copy !req
1874. Pronto!Copy !req
1875. And someone get a rabbi down
here to bless this chicken.Copy !req
1876. Tomorrow we're gonna
go kosher.Copy !req
1877. South Harmon actually
allowed me the opportunityCopy !req
1878. to rediscover my passion
for the arts.Copy !req
1879. So I urge you guys to do the
same. Let it come from the heart.Copy !req
1880. Let it come from inside. And...
And let the art speak for itself.Copy !req
1881. You agree?
Watch... Watch the tip.Copy !req
1882. Excuse me.Copy !req
1883. Whoa, whoa, whoa.Copy !req
1884. If you're gonna take my picture,
you gotta take it from my good side.Copy !req
1885. Um, so there wouldn't
happen to be anybody aroundCopy !req
1886. that could show me to my
new dorm room, would there?Copy !req
1887. As fate would have it, I recall
your room being right next to mine.Copy !req
1888. Really? They're not adjoining
though, right?Copy !req
1889. Oh, no, no, no. That would
be totally unacceptable.Copy !req
1890. And do me a favor.
Enjoy your time here.Copy !req
1891. You got four years, these are
the best years of your life.Copy !req
1892. And then, you're.Copy !req
1893. I told you.Copy !req