About Time (2013)

1. I always knew we were a fairly odd family.

2. First there was me.

3. Too tall. Too skinny. Too orange.

4. My mum was lovely, but not like other mums.

5. There was something solid about her.

6. Something rectangular, busy and unsentimental.

7. Her fashion icon was the Queen.

8. Dad, well, he was more normal. He always seemed to have time on his hands.

9. After giving up teaching university students on his 50th birthday,

10. he was eternally available for a leisurely chat or

11. to let me win at table tennis.

12. Yes.

13. And then there was Mum's brother, Uncle Desmond.

14. Always impeccably dressed. He spent the days just, well,

15. being Uncle Desmond.

16. He was the most charming and least clever man you could ever meet.

17. His mind was on other things, though we never found out what.

18. And then, finally there was Catherine.

19. Katie. Kit Kat. My sister.

20. In a household of sensible jackets and haircuts there was this,

21. well, what can I call her, nature thing.

22. With her elfin eyes, her purple T-shirts and her eternally bare feet,

23. she was then, and still is to me,

24. about the most wonderful thing in the world.

25. All in all, it was a pretty good childhood. Full of repeated rhythms and patterns.

26. By the time I was 21, we were still

27. having tea on the beach every single day.

28. Skimming stones and eating sandwiches,

29. summer and winter, no matter what the weather.

30. And every Friday evening, a film,

31. no matter what the weather.

32. And then once a year, the dreaded New Year's Eve party.

33. Yeah, I might just get one.

34. You're absolutely gorgeous.

35. I'm Katie. What am I drinking?

36. This is very expensive stuff.

37. Cheers. Cheers.

38. Come on, it's nearly midnight.

39. We're all going through. We're going through.

40. Look, I've gotta find you a...

41. God!

42. Everyone makes little mistakes. It's fine. Come on.

43. 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

44. Happy New Year!

45. Happy New Year.

46. Sorry.

47. And so I woke up the next morning,

48. hung-over, ashamed of myself,

49. and not realising it was the day

50. that would change my life forever.

51. Get up, stupid.

52. Dad wants you.

53. Hello. Sexy pyjamas.

54. Tim, come in.

55. Do

56. sit down.

57. That's very formal.

58. Well, um, yeah.

59. This is an odd moment for me

60. because I had the same moment with my

61. father when I'd just turned 21, and after it,

62. my life was never the same, so I approach it pretty, um, nervously.

63. Okay.

64. When you're ready. It's all very mysterious.

65. Right.

66. Tim, my dear son, the...

67. The simple fact is the men in this family

68. have always had the ability to...

69. This is going to sound strange,

70. be prepared for strangeness. Get ready for spooky time,

71. but there's this family secret.

72. And the secret is that the men in the family can

73. travel in time.

74. Well, more accurately, travel back in time.

75. We can't travel into the future.

76. This is such a weird joke.

77. ?t's seriously not a joke.

78. So you're saying that you and granddad, and his brothers

79. could all travel back in time? Absolutely.

80. And you still do? Absolutely.

81. Although it's not as dramatic as it sounds. It's only in my own life.

82. I can only go to places where I actually was and can remember.

83. I can't kill Hitler or shag Helen of Troy, unfortunately.

84. Okay, stop.

85. Um...

86. if it's true, which it isn't. Although it is.

87. Although it isn't, obviously. But if it was, which it's not. Which it is.

88. Which it isn't. But if it was, how would I...

89. The?'How?' is the easy bit, in fact.

90. You go into a dark place, big cupboards are

91. very useful generally. Toilets, at a pinch.

92. Then you clench your fists like this.

93. Think of the moment you're going to

94. and you'll find yourself there.

95. After a bit of a stumble and a rumble and a tumble.

96. Wow.

97. Is as good a reaction as any.

98. I think I plumped for?'fuck!' but it was the '70s.

99. No, this is so obviously a joke.

100. ?t's not a joke.

101. Why would I lie to someone I'm

102. fairly fond of?

103. Okay.

104. But, when I come back downstairs

105. after standing in a cupboard with my fists clenched,

106. you're gonna be in so much trouble.

107. Well, let's see, shall we?

108. And, Tim, try and do something interesting.

109. So much trouble.

110. I mean it. Really.

111. Right.

112. Wow!

113. You all right, Tim?

114. Yes. Yeah. Good, ace. Yeah.

115. Good, come on. it's nearly midnight and we've got to find...

116. Whoa, whoa, whoa!

117. Whoo! Midnight.

118. 10, 9, 8, 7,

119. 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

120. Happy New Year!

121. Thank you, Tim.

122. You're welcome, Polly.

123. Does Mum know?

124. Not a whistle.

125. Strange. And what about the whole... Butterfly effect thing. What can I say?

126. We don't seem to have messed up civilisation yet.

127. ?t's gonna be a complicated year.

128. ?t's gonna be a complicated life.

129. What have you done with it?

130. For me, it's books, books, books.

131. I've read everything a man could wish to.

132. Twice. Dickens three times. Any first thoughts?

133. Well, I suppose apart from getting a slightly better haircut... Yeah.

134. Money would be the obvious thing.

135. Very mixed blessing.

136. Utterly screwed up your grandfather's life.

137. Left him without love or friends.

138. I've never bumped into a genuinely happy rich person.

139. ?t would be nice not to have to work.

140. No, that's a real recipe for disaster.

141. Look what happened to Uncle Fred. What happened to Uncle Fred?

142. Absolutely sod all.

143. Wasted his life.

144. You have to use it for things that you really think

145. will make your life the way you want it to be.

146. Come on, really think about this.

147. Well,

148. to be honest, I suppose, at the moment,

149. it would be just great if it could help me get a girlfriend.

150. Wow.

151. Massive. Yeah.

152. The mothership.

153. For me, it was always gonna be about love.

154. And that summer I walked into the eye of the storm.

155. Her name was Charlotte. Cousin of Kit Kat's

156. handsome but nasty boyfriend Jimmy.

157. And she was staying for two whole months.

158. Just one. Not both of them.

159. Tim,

160. will you do my back?

161. Absolutely!

162. Very keen!

163. Whoa! No. No.

164. No. No, no. No, no, no.

165. Is it in my hair? Yes!

166. Tim. Will you do my back?

167. Sure. Just give us a sec.

168. Okay.

169. Thank you.

170. Now...

171. Ooh. Nice.

172. ?t's my area.

173. it was a summer of suntan and torture.

174. I invited my foolish friend Jay around for tennis

175. because I thought he'd make me look good.

176. I was wrong!

177. What are you doing? No.

178. Charlotte just made both of us look like idiots.

179. Bad luck, Tim.

180. How the hell are you meant to concentrate on your game?

181. How are you meant to live your life

182. with this sort of shit going down?

183. It never got better until suddenly

184. it was almost too late.

185. Well, Charlotte, our final lunch.

186. No!

187. And it's been really, really lovely having you all summer.

188. it has.

189. Thank you. Thank you.

190. ?t really has.

191. Hasn't it, Desmond?

192. Beg your pardon?

193. Lovely having Charlotte here all summer.

194. Charlotte? Who's Charlotte?

195. Come on, darling. Charlotte, sitting next to you.

196. Yes, of course. Of course. Charlotte. Hi.

197. Lovely to meet you.

198. Have you enjoyed having Charlotte here all summer, Tim?

199. Yeah.

200. There goes August.

201. I've introduced him to most things, haven't I?

202. You did. You were much more sophisticated.

203. In a quiet way, I like to think.

204. Come in.

205. Charlotte. Yeah!

206. As it's your last night, can I ask you a question?

207. Yeah. Ask away.

208. No, wait.

209. ?t's not going to be about love, is it?

210. Love? What?

211. Well, it's just that Kit Kat warned me that if you were to ever mention it, I should be

212. very firm with you and tell you

213. you must treat me like your sister

214. and not be stupid.

215. Or have I just made a total fool of myself

216. and you were actually going to ask me for

217. late night last minute tennis tips?

218. No, it was the love thing.

219. Well.

220. That's very sweet of you.

221. ?t's just a shame you left it till the last night.

222. You should have tried creeping along the corridor while we still had time.

223. Okay, the?'last night?' was a bad idea?

224. Very bad idea. It feels like an ever so slightly insulting afterthought.

225. ?'Last night?' was never going to work.

226. All right. Good. I've got it.

227. Come in.

228. Tim. Hi. Charlotte.

229. Hi. Sit down.

230. I know you've probably suspected this,

231. but over the last month I've fallen completely in love with you.

232. Now obviously this was gonna happen

233. because you're a goddess with that face

234. and that hair,

235. but even if you didn't have a nice face,

236. and even if you had absolutely no hair

237. because of some bizarre medical reason,

238. I'd still adore you,

239. and I...

240. I just wondered whether, by any chance, you might share my feelings.

241. Wow.

242. I tell you what.

243. Why don't we see how the summer goes

244. and then you ask me again on my last night?

245. Your last night? Yes.

246. Try me on the last night. See what happens then, shall we?

247. ?t's exciting.

248. Right.

249. No, it's a perfect plan. That's absolutely perfect. Last night.

250. Last night.

251. Thanks very much.

252. Night-night, Timmy.

253. Big lesson number one,

254. all the time travel in the world can't make someone love you.

255. Bye!

256. So the love of my life just drove away.

257. And the very next day it was my turn to leave.

258. There you go. Don't spend it all at once.

259. Thanks.

260. Don't call too often, your mother doesn't like to be disturbed.

261. Okay. Thanks.

262. I caught the train to London in search of a future and a girlfriend.

263. I was staying in St John's Wood, near Abbey Road,

264. with a playwright friend of my dad's called Harry.

265. It's always nice to have family connections when you're a new kid in town.

266. What the fuck do you want?

267. I'm James's son.

268. Who?

269. James Lake. What about him?

270. He said you had a room.

271. Go in there and wait.

272. Quietly. I mean it, don't make a sound.

273. Or I'll kill you.

274. I was actually having the first good idea I've had for a decade

275. when you rang on the doorbell.

276. But now it's gone.

277. You little shit.

278. How's your dad?

279. Weird cock, I always thought. Something weird about him.

280. Really?

281. Yeah, I never really liked him, actually.

282. Your mum still look like Andy Warhol?

283. What?

284. That, by the way, is my wife.

285. Nice.

286. Yeah, you wouldn't like her at first.

287. Sarcastic cow.

288. But eventually you'd realise that

289. she's the best human being in the world.

290. Which is why she left me, of course.

291. Here you go.

292. Try not to make too much noise, particularly when having sex.

293. No chance of that.

294. Christ, two losers in one house.

295. That is my daughter.

296. Have sex with her if you like. Apparently everyone else has.

297. It wasn't a hopeful set-up for romance.

298. And work didn't help on that score either.

299. The world of law seems to be entirely full of men.

300. Hello. I'm Rory. Very pleased to meet you. A real thrill.

301. Well, who knows, we might become, you know, pals, et cetera.

302. Who the hell are you? Tim Lake.

303. Well, I hope you're better than this clown.

304. Come on, Roger.

305. ?t's Rory, actually.

306. I've been here a year and a half.

307. I'm just saying that to be nice. It's two years actually.

308. So six lonely months went by and it was still just me and Harry.

309. Me lawyer-ing every hour of the day and night.

310. And him putting the finishing touches to his new play.

311. No matter how many girls there were in the world,

312. I always seemed to end up with Rory.

313. Hello.

314. Until, out of the blue,

315. on a dodgy night out with dodgy Jay, something miraculous happened.

316. The waiters are,

317. wait for this, right, they're blind.

318. You're kidding me?

319. I'm kidding you not. No, as bats. As bats!

320. Very good to have you here, gentlemen.

321. I hope you enjoy your experience.

322. Carlo will show you to your table.

323. Great. Lead on, maestro.

324. Can I have your right hand on my right shoulder, please?

325. And your friend hold on to your shoulder. Thank you.

326. Mind the stairs and be prepared because

327. it's completely dark.

328. Okay, gentlemen, if you don't mind,

329. I can sit you here beside these two young ladies.

330. No, no. Sounds absolutely perfect!

331. God, you sound very perky.

332. I am. And very handsome.

333. Someone's there.

334. Hi. Hi. I'm Mary.

335. I'm Tim. Mary's my mother's name, actually.

336. Does it suit her? Sort of.

337. Although she's sturdy, so Bernard might have been a better fit.

338. Okay.

339. Something just touched my elbow.

340. Okay, that wasn't me.

341. No. Well, that just makes it worse. If it wasn't you, who was it?

342. it wasn't me because I'm touching something else.

343. Yes, and you'll stop that right away, thank you.

344. So, girls, be honest, who is more beautiful?

345. - I am. - Yeah. She is.

346. Excellent!

347. Actually, I look like Kate Moss.

348. Really?

349. No. I sort of look like a squirrel.

350. Do you like Kate Moss?

351. I absolutely love her.

352. In fact, I almost wore one of her dresses here tonight. You?

353. No, no, her clothes look terrible on me.

354. I cannot believe that it's your birthday next week as well.

355. Your friend Jay is quite enthusiastic.

356. I actually hate him.

357. What's Joanna like?

358. - She's basically a prostitute. - Yeah.

359. I think it's strawberry mousse. Ooh!

360. Do you want some?

361. Um... Okay. I'll try it.

362. Okay, where's your mouth?

363. ?t's...

364. it's here.

365. Okay. There?

366. My God, what was that?

367. That's my eye.

368. I think there's a lot of... I've got quite a lot of

369. strawberry mousse in my eye now!

370. I'm so sorry.

371. No. Thank you. That's a new sensation for me.

372. So, maybe I'll see you outside or...

373. Yeah. Yeah, great.

374. Great. Scary.

375. Yeah, it's a bit scary.

376. My God, I'm so in there. What about you?

377. I don't know, but she sounded wonderful.

378. Shh!

379. Joanna? Jay.

380. Christ, you're a babe.

381. How do you fancy stretching the night

382. out a bit? I can ditch the loser.

383. We've got to rush, but help me find a cab and I might give you my number.

384. Of course. Yeah.

385. Or I might not. Haven't decided yet. So...

386. I have. It's not gonna happen.

387. Hi. Hi.

388. Where's... She and Jay just...

389. She took him to... I don't know.

390. Right.

391. Well, I guess I'd better...

392. Would it be very wrong if I asked you for your number?

393. No.

394. Just in case I ever had to call you about...

395. Stuff? -

396. Okay.

397. Would you...

398. it's Mary.

399. Mary.

400. Okay.

401. I thought this phone was old and shit,

402. but suddenly it's my most valuable possession.

403. You really like me?

404. Even my frock?

405. I love your frock.

406. And my hair? It's not too brown?

407. I love brown.

408. My fringe is new.

409. The fringe is perfect. Fringe is the best bit.

410. Mary!

411. We have to go! I found a cab and his dodgy friend is about to assault me.

412. Okay, I'm coming.

413. Two seconds.

414. I hope I see you again.

415. You will.

416. Okay. Good.

417. Goodnight.

418. What's happened?

419. What have you done, you poor thing?

420. Nothing. It's just a flesh wound.

421. Here. Thank you.

422. You may remember, my play opened tonight.

423. My God, yes. How did it go?

424. Well. It went well.

425. You could tell in the room a masterpiece was being unfurled.

426. Really? Really.

427. Until, and this is the crucial plot point, I think,

428. until the lead actor had the most massive dry in the history of theatre.

429. No, no, no. Yes, yes, yes.

430. He didn't just forget his lines.

431. He forgot his lines to the extent

432. that no actor has ever forgotten their lines

433. before in the annals of dramatic art.

434. The reviews won't say,'Major masterpiece gets unveiled,'

435. they'll say,'Major actor gets Alzheimer's.?'

436. it's a disaster.

437. Is an understatement.

438. ?t's the Titanic of play openings, but with no survivors.

439. No women, no children,

440. not even Kate Winslet.

441. All dead.

442. Okay. I'll see what I can do.

443. What does that mean?

444. What are you gonna do? Ring up every critic

445. in London and offer them a blow job

446. if they ignore the fact that we sat in total silence for half an hour

447. waiting for a moron to remember one single line?

448. Not quite that.

449. Hello.

450. Hello, Sir Tom. I'm a friend of Harry's. How's it going with the lines?

451. I'm sorry, what do you mean?'the lines?'?

452. ?t's just, you know, in the court scenes,

453. some of those lines are pretty complex.

454. And I just thought maybe it might be worth, you know,

455. having one last look at the lines

456. before you go on. A little refresher.

457. Fuck off out of here.

458. You arsing lunatic. Get out! You ginger twerp. Go on!

459. Patronising piece of...

460. And now the Defence.

461. I have lived many weary years...

462. it's brilliant... but never,

463. in that long catalogue of wasted time,

464. have I ever seen such an atrocious miscarriage of justice.

465. Do the Prosecution have anything final to add?

466. Sorry, excuse me. Sorry.

467. Do the Prosecution have anything final to add?

468. Psst!

469. Gentlemen...

470. Gentlemen,

471. I regard today's proceedings with the utmost gravity.

472. Nevertheless,

473. let us be clear of one

474. simple and salient thing.

475. ?t is the life

476. of a guilty man!

477. One of the actors appeared to have actually fallen asleep...

478. Here's the little prick who walked out halfway through.

479. You missed the best scene, you little twerp.

480. Sorry.

481. What did you think of the set?

482. I thought it was incredible.

483. Did you? I didn't. Too brown.

484. Mary!

485. No.

486. She's gone.

487. Two girls in earlier tonight. One of them the prettiest girl in the world.

488. The other one like a sort of nice prostitute.

489. Did you get their names?

490. Yes. They left a while ago. Let's see.

491. No, I'm afraid they were walk-ins

492. and it appears they paid by cash.

493. Sorry, sir.

494. That's okay. That's fine, it's brilliant.

495. ?t's just the end of my life. Thanks so much.

496. Cheer up, mate.

497. Apparently, you're living with Britain's greatest living playwright.

498. I don't usually read them, obviously,

499. but I couldn't resist this one.

500. ?'Harry Chapman found guilty of genius.?'

501. I have to go out. Right now.

502. Why?

503. She loves Kate Moss.

504. Thanks for keeping me company, Kittle.

505. Nothing better to do.

506. How's Jimmy?

507. Dumped me.

508. Not again.

509. And work? They've sacked me.

510. Idiots.

511. Coffee? Please.

512. I've only just noticed this cat in this picture. See that cat?

513. I do see that cat. It's very good.

514. My God.

515. My God!

516. What?

517. it's her.

518. ?t's her!

519. That's her!

520. Shh!

521. You go, girl.

522. Sorry.

523. Hi. Hi.

524. How are you?

525. I'm... I'm fine.

526. ?t's so good to see you.

527. Um... We've never met before.

528. No, fuck.

529. No, of course we haven't. No.

530. Sorry, I think you've mistaken me for someone else.

531. No, no, no.

532. Your name's Mary.

533. That's distinctly weird.

534. How do you know that?

535. Well, you look like a Mary.

536. In what way?

537. My mum's called Mary.

538. I look like your mother?

539. No. You're much prettier.

540. ?t's a nice fringe, by the way.

541. God, it's new and

542. probably too short but... No.

543. Well, gee, thank you and

544. listen, it was really nice to meet you.

545. I should probably go because my friend's waiting for me

546. and you're a, you're a total stranger.

547. Total stranger.

548. Yeah, it's crazy stuff.

549. Yeah, kind of. Okay.

550. Bye, Mary. Bye.

551. No.

552. How did it go?

553. ?t was very poor.

554. Very poor indeed, yeah.

555. You gotta go again.

556. You can do it. Take two.

557. She just always... She always looks different.

558. Sorry. It's me again.

559. Hi. Sorry.

560. Joanna, this is...

561. Tim.

562. Hello. Nice to meet you.

563. Tim is a total stranger whose mother's name is Mary.

564. I just had a weird experience with Mary here

565. of thinking she was someone else. But she wasn't.

566. But I just wondered if I could walk round with you

567. for a while because my sister Kit Kat is about to leave...

568. Yeah.

569. Bye... and...

570. And so,

571. I'm about to be quite lonely.

572. Right. Well, I think we should probably say no.

573. No, yes. But on the other hand, he's got a quite nice smile

574. and sort of, you know, fun hair.

575. Yeah.

576. All right.

577. But you have to promise that you are not one of the following things.

578. One, a lunatic.

579. Yeah. No.

580. Two, a fringe fetishist.

581. I'm just Kate Moss's number one male fan.

582. God. Really?

583. Yeah. God, yeah.

584. Do you agree that the magic of her lies in her history?

585. That the informality of her early shots

586. compared to this stuff so you just always know

587. that, despite the high fashion, she's still just

588. that cheeky normal naked girl on the beach?

589. Couldn't have put it better myself.

590. That's absolutely it. I agree with that profoundly.

591. Milk?

592. Yes.

593. Sugar? No.

594. Boyfriend?

595. Yes!

596. No. No, you don't have a boyfriend.

597. Do I not look like I'd have a boyfriend?

598. Do I look like I'd never get a boyfriend? No.

599. That's the rudest thing I've ever heard.

600. I didn't mean it like that. I just didn't expect...

601. Is it quite a new boyfriend?

602. Yes.

603. There he is. Rupert.

604. Yes. He's so cute. Rupert?

605. Hi, guys.

606. Sorry I'm late, with my dad.

607. Hi, Rupee.

608. ?'Rupee?'?

609. Well, this is Tim and

610. we don't know him at all.

611. Hey, I was thinking we could take in a film after this.

612. Get some mixed popcorn, share a Coke,

613. snuggle. Okay.

614. Okay.

615. When did you two meet? Exactly?

616. Well, it was only a week ago, actually.

617. ?t's all been a bit of a whirlwind, hasn't it, poochy face?

618. I'm gonna have to teach you what you can and can't say in front of people.

619. No?'poochy face?'? No.

620. No. Definitely not.

621. Come on, then. More details about this wonderful first meeting?

622. Okay, okay.

623. ?t was, um, what... Joanna?

624. June 17th.

625. And Jo was having a little party.

626. A living hell from which Rupert, thank God, rescued me.

627. And where was this terrible party?

628. My brothel of a flat.

629. Which is where, though? That's the question, isn't it.

630. What are you, a detective?

631. No, sorry, I've just got a very visual imagination.

632. I like to imagine stuff completely.

633. 26 Courtfield Gardens, SW5. Around 8:30.

634. Dress code, slutty. Will that do?

635. Absolutely, yes. Although I am wondering

636. when you got there, Rupert. Early, late?

637. On time, I think. True love was calling.

638. God.

639. I actually feel a bit sick now. Just these

640. muffins, I think. Never trust a blueberry.

641. Okay, I'll be back in a tick.

642. You two are such a lovely couple.

643. Bit weird.

644. He's cute.

645. I like him.

646. Yeah, me too.

647. Hello. Do I know you?

648. No, no, no. I'm a friend of Mary's.

649. She has another friend? Gosh, you amaze me. But hooray.

650. Ooh. Hotdog?

651. Took me hours. Made them myself.

652. Thanks.

653. Disgusting. Totally undercooked.

654. See you later.

655. Why don't we go upstairs, it's a bit quieter?

656. Hi. Hi.

657. I'm Tim.

658. Mary.

659. That's my mother's name. Let's not get into that.

660. Um... I know this is forward but

661. your face tells me that you're finding this party to be a living hell.

662. So, I just wondered if you might come

663. and have a bite to eat with me instead?

664. Right now.

665. I'm sorry?

666. Obviously, I should have thought this through more.

667. Let's talk about Kate Moss.

668. I love Kate Moss.

669. I always think the key thing with her is the history,

670. you know, the informality of her early shots compared to high fashion stuff

671. so you always know that underneath she's still just the same

672. cheeky normal girl naked on the beach.

673. The beach.

674. I agree with you completely.

675. ?f we leave now then we can have, you know, more than one starter.

676. I love your eyes.

677. And I love the rest of your face, too.

678. More than one starter?

679. 10 amazing starters.

680. After you. Thanks.

681. Ten minutes is long enough for any party, I think.

682. Yeah.

683. Especially that one.

684. Evening, all.

685. God! What a dickhead.

686. Yeah.

687. So, what do you do?

688. I'm a reader at a publisher.

689. No! You read for a living?

690. Yes, that's it. I read.

691. That's so great.

692. ?t's like someone asking, ?'What do you do

693. ?'for a living?' ?'Well, I breathe.

694. ?'I'm a breather, I get paid for breathing.?'

695. How did you get that job? Okay, smart-ass, what do you do?

696. I am a lawyer.

697. Sort of. Sort of.

698. That's sexy.

699. Is it?

700. I mean, I think so.

701. In a suit, in a court, saving people's lives. Kinda sexy.

702. I guess it is. Although it's not as sexy as reading.

703. Sitting there in an office, in a little chair reading.

704. Okay, stop. Ooh!

705. Just wait right there, mister, because

706. a lot of books get submitted to my publisher.

707. So it's an immense responsibility.

708. I bet it is.

709. But when you do normal reading,

710. is it ruined because it's your job? You know, like prostitutes?

711. I always worry that when they stop being prostitutes

712. that they can't enjoy sex any more.

713. You always worry about that?

714. No, I sometimes worry about it. Good. Okay.

715. Because someone who always worried about that would be a bit of a worry.

716. When you read a newspaper, do you think,'Forget this, it's work?'?

717. Have you interviewed a lot of prostitutes?

718. When you read a menu, do you think,

719. ?'No, I'm not reading this, unless you pay me hard cash.?'

720. How many prostitutes will you need to talk to before this issue is solved?

721. Are you planning to head to Eastern Europe and Thailand?

722. Um... Would you like to walk me to my car?

723. Yes. Why not? Okay.

724. Sounds like a good idea.

725. What about you?

726. Yeah, I have three older brothers.

727. God. Yeah.

728. Where are they?

729. Behind you.

730. Did you have trouble parking?

731. Pardon?

732. ?t's just such a long way to your car.

733. Well, my car's actually parked outside

734. my house. I got a lift to the party.

735. Okay.

736. That's good. That's perfect.

737. Okay.

738. And here we are.

739. My God. Yeah.

740. Car, house. House, car.

741. ?t makes perfect sense.

742. ?t's very logical.

743. Christ.

744. Um...

745. Keys!

746. I'm gonna go into the bedroom and put on my new pyjamas.

747. Right.

748. And then in a minute you can come in and take them off.

749. ?f you want to.

750. One minute.

751. Hi.

752. God. Are you... Are you okay? Yeah.

753. Sorry.

754. That's okay.

755. ?t's a front opener.

756. ?t's a what?

757. ?t opens from the front.

758. Yeah, no, yeah, of course.

759. Thanks. Sure.

760. Ooh! Well done.

761. I'm sure it'll be better next time.

762. I thought it was pretty lovely.

763. Right, no, it was really lovely.

764. In fact, can you just give me one minute?

765. Okay.

766. Hi.

767. Dangerous.

768. You really know your bras.

769. I like to think so.

770. Well done. Some people make a real mess of it the first time.

771. Amateurs.

772. Could you give me one second?

773. Sure.

774. I couldn't wait.

775. My goodness.

776. Best night of my entire life. And now I've got a suspicion I'm gonna have

777. the best sleep of my entire life.

778. So once is enough for my perfect guy?

779. I'm not sure that's entirely fair.

780. We're late. No, we're not.

781. ?t'll be fine. It's only... My God.

782. Bye.

783. Don't worry, you're coming with.

784. I'm taking you home!

785. Bye. Bye. Bye.

786. No!

787. Okay. I have some bad news.

788. You're dying? No, not that bad.

789. I'm dying? No.

790. My parents are in town. They're visiting and they're coming around.

791. God. Parents? American parents?

792. When? Now.

793. They told me and I didn't tell you

794. and I thought they'd cancel because they normally do and they didn't.

795. Now now? Now now.

796. So you should probably put on some pants.

797. God. Okay, okay.

798. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

799. Do they know I exist?

800. Yeah. I've mentioned something like you, but nothing very specific.

801. Yeah, they're quite conservative, so maybe not those pants.

802. Okay. Yeah.

803. God. Okay.

804. Could you just stall them. Stall them.

805. Come on up.

806. What? I'm sorry, they don't like waiting.

807. Okay. Do I live here?

808. Definitely not.

809. Are we having sex?

810. Yeah. But not oral.

811. I wasn't gonna mention oral.

812. Okay, good, don't. How did you think that was gonna come up?

813. Could you help me with this, please?

814. I don't know. If it does, just deny it completely.

815. Who's gonna bring it up? Your dad?

816. ?'Tim, had any cunnilingus with my daughter recently?'

817. Well, you never know.

818. Okay.

819. Okay. Ready? Yeah.

820. They're there. They are, yeah.

821. Yeah, right behind you. Okay. Right, okay.

822. Dad! Hello, sweet.

823. Mom. Hi. Hi, honey.

824. This is Tim.

825. Hello, sir. Ma'am.

826. Should we come back when you haven't got any company, or...

827. Well, that would be quite difficult

828. because Tim actually lives here.

829. Really? With you?

830. Yes. Yeah, but no oral sex, I promise you.

831. I beg your pardon?

832. Excuse me.

833. So, Tim, tell us where are you from, which part of the country?

834. He's from Cornwall. Yeah, it's really pretty.

835. ?t's that little bit right at the end, sort of looks like a shoe.

836. And you're a lawyer, is that right?

837. Yep, that's right. And he never loses.

838. You don't think he's gonna win, then he just pulls something out of the bag and,

839. what do you know, he wins again.

840. Do you ever answer any of your own questions?

841. I...

842. Yes, he does. Usually he does,

843. but not today because I'm doing

844. all the talking because I'm really nervous

845. and I kinda love him and I just... I want you to, too.

846. Honey.

847. Sorry. Tim. Over to you.

848. Shoot.

849. Yeah, I think my dad...

850. Can I just say one more thing? Um...

851. Thank God that's over.

852. I got given two tickets

853. for the National Theatre tomorrow. Do you wanna come?

854. No, so not. I'm just gonna sleep all day.

855. I don't see why going to the theatre should get in the way of that.

856. Many of the best sleeps of my life have happened in the Royal Shakespeare Company.

857. No, you take someone else.

858. I really like bed and I really hate theatre.

859. Quite right.

860. But what kind of sad act is gonna be free on a Saturday night

861. with no day's notice?

862. Bravo.

863. My God. it's Charlotte. Who?

864. ?t was my first love. Where?

865. There. Under the?'exit?' sign.

866. - The old woman? - No, not the old woman.

867. The astonishing blonde.

868. The one with the dark hair? No, blonde.

869. Blonde means blonde hair, doesn't it?

870. Off the stage.

871. Okay, you stay there. I mean it, stay!

872. Charlotte.

873. My God. Tim.

874. How fabulous to see you.

875. Wow. I... This is my girlfriend Tina.

876. No.

877. That is so brilliant. Well, hello, Tina.

878. Why is it brilliant?

879. Well, you know. There are certain moments in your life that scar you for life.

880. Charlotte's rejection of me was one of those moments,

881. but now I know she's got a?'girlfriend,' well,

882. that's just a huge burden suddenly lifted off my mind.

883. I can be a confident heterosexual all over again.

884. Not that kind of girlfriend.

885. What?

886. You think I'm gay?

887. No.

888. No, of course not. No. it's girl friend.

889. Yes. No. Wow.

890. Yeah, friend who is a girl, which you so clearly are.

891. I'm just gonna go and get my boyfriend, who is a boy...

892. My God. Tim.

893. How lovely to see you. Look at you. Wow.

894. This is my girlfriend Tina.

895. Hello, Tina. Although you should be

896. a little careful with that, by the way.

897. There are still quite a lot of us old fashioned types about

898. who interpret ?'girlfriend?'as meaning?'gay.?'

899. So if you say that Tina's your girlfriend, people will assume that you're?'gay.?'

900. I am?'gay.?'

901. Are you?

902. Do you have a problem with that?

903. No, I don't. I love that stuff.

904. I'm just gonna...

905. Wow.

906. I've just seen the girl who broke my heart three summers ago.

907. Let's go say hello.

908. No. Best let sleeping dogs lie. Come on.

909. Best night of my life. I always love this area.

910. ?t's so bustling and I mean those pictures, full of colour.

911. Just makes me so happy when I'm round here, all the colour... Tim.

912. Charlotte!

913. Tim, how lovely to see you.

914. What a surprise.

915. Wow. Sorry. This is my girlfriend, Tina.

916. She's gay. Shut up.

917. Hello, Tina.

918. Look at you!

919. ?t just never even occurred to me

920. you existed outside of Cornwall.

921. We're about to go and get dinner,

922. but it would be great to hang out sometime.

923. Yeah, sure. I'd love that.

924. Send my love to little Kit Kat. How is she?

925. She's okay. She's not finding London totally easy actually.

926. Right. Well, Jimmy says he sees her sometimes.

927. Really? Since when?

928. You knew there was always something there.

929. Sorry, you are?

930. Very well, thank you.

931. Well, she means your name.

932. Roger. No, it's not.

933. No, it's not. It's Rory.

934. Nice to meet you, Rory. Yeah.

935. Right. Sorry, we should get going.

936. ?t was really great to see you.

937. I'll see you soon. You, too. Yeah.

938. Bye.

939. God, she is beautiful.

940. She's so beautiful, if you had sex with her, you'd die. You'd just die.

941. You'd open her shirt, see her breasts and your eyes would explode.

942. You'd have to have sex with her blind. And then you'd die.

943. You notice she didn't give me her number...

944. I told Tina to go have dinner on her own. Are you hungry?

945. Yeah. Of course. Great.

946. Bye, Roger.

947. Yeah, excellent.

948. Thanks again for the play. Triumph. Where do you wanna go?

949. Well, wherever you like really.

950. I can't compete.

951. You know,

952. I'm starting to think we slightly wasted that summer holiday.

953. ?f we could travel back in time,

954. maybe I wouldn't have said no.

955. I'm...

956. I'm just staying round the corner.

957. Can you walk me home?

958. Yeah.

959. Yeah? Yeah, of course, yeah.

960. Well, here we are.

961. it's a lot nicer

962. inside.

963. I'm sure it is.

964. So... So...

965. So...

966. So,

967. lovely

968. to see you, Charlotte.

969. What a night. Total joy, but I've gotta

970. get back

971. because there's something very important that I have to do. Right now.

972. Wake up. Wake up. What?

973. Mary.

974. Would you like to marry me?

975. Shh.

976. Don't be so selfish, I'm sleeping. It's bad.

977. Right.

978. That went very well.

979. Wake up.

980. What?

981. Wake up. Come and have a chat.

982. Why?

983. I've got something important to ask you.

984. Can't it wait till morning?

985. Not really.

986. But I'm so comfy.

987. I was having the loveliest dream.

988. What is it?

989. Why is there music on?

990. ?t's got something to do with what I want to ask you.

991. Wait a minute.

992. Romantic music.

993. Guy with important question.

994. Are you on your knees?

995. On his knees.

996. Were you so bored in the play you decided

997. to ask me to marry you afterwards?

998. Something like that.

999. Yeah. Exactly that.

1000. In fact,

1001. will you marry me?

1002. Any thoughts on the answer?

1003. ?'Yes?' ?'No?' ?'Get out of my life, loser.?' They're all possible.

1004. I think I'll go for

1005. ?'yes.?'

1006. Thank you for asking me.

1007. And thank you for not going for one of those melodramatic proposals

1008. with lots of people around.

1009. I hate other people.

1010. Me, too.

1011. Yeah.

1012. I'm just gonna turn off the radio.

1013. Okay. Good idea.

1014. Thanks, guys. Sorry, she's a bit tired.

1015. But we really appreciate it. Can you go?

1016. Wow!

1017. That's so beautiful.

1018. I don't think we'll be staying in the same room, somehow.

1019. Really?

1020. ?f they offer you tea, just say no.

1021. Hello.

1022. Mum, this is Mary.

1023. Mary! Hi.

1024. Good Lord, you're pretty.

1025. No, it's just

1026. I've got a lot of mascara and lipstick on.

1027. Let's have a look.

1028. Yes. Good.

1029. ?t's very bad for a girl to be too pretty.

1030. ?t stops her developing a sense of humour. Or a personality.

1031. Tea?

1032. I'd love a cup of tea.

1033. Christ, that's the whole day gone.

1034. She's a very special guest. Cup without the crack.

1035. Skipping stones.

1036. They've been doing this since he was about this high.

1037. And what are your faults? I mean, little weaknesses.

1038. I...

1039. Well, I'm very insecure.

1040. Sweet.

1041. Okay. I've a very bad temper sometimes.

1042. Crucial. How else are you gonna

1043. get a fella to do what you want?

1044. And, of course, I have...

1045. I have a weakness for your son.

1046. So do I.

1047. But best not to tell him. Don't want him getting cocky.

1048. Pow!

1049. I'm so good without the ball. Pow!

1050. What do you think of her?

1051. I like her more than you already.

1052. Look, I'd forgotten this. Jimmy Fontana Il Mondo.

1053. Greatest record ever recorded by an ltalian

1054. who looks like he's got a dead badger on his head.

1055. And you've got the album.

1056. Yes!

1057. Check out those specs!

1058. Come on, on with the game! Right.

1059. And what an extraordinary game this is.

1060. For the first time a father and son

1061. are playing each other in the World Table

1062. Tennis Final and neither of them are Chinese.

1063. Tremendous play from the old World Champion and his son,

1064. the first openly ginger British table tennis player

1065. but there are signs the youngster's beginning to crack.

1066. There are tears in his eyes. There are not!

1067. There soon will be!

1068. Hey.

1069. Hey! I didn't know you were here.

1070. Yeah. I just popped down for a while.

1071. Okay.

1072. What about the job?

1073. So how long have you been here?

1074. Couple of weeks.

1075. Gosh! So, life in London...

1076. Horrid.

1077. Okay.

1078. Is Mary here?

1079. Yes.

1080. Where? Downstairs.

1081. You be gentle.

1082. Be gentle!

1083. Careful!

1084. Yeah, nice to see you, too. I'm trying to make a good impression...

1085. Yeah, you make a good impression.

1086. Right, sorry. Sorry.

1087. I've got an important announcement to make.

1088. Exciting.

1089. We've decided, after a little bit of thought, to get married.

1090. That's wonderful news.

1091. Who are you getting married to?

1092. To Mary. Over there.

1093. Thank God for that.

1094. Jolly embarrassing if it had been another girl. Imagine that.

1095. We're so pleased.

1096. No, sorry. Yeah.

1097. By the way, the wedding will be quite soon

1098. because we're having a baby, too.

1099. You're pregnant?

1100. Yes.

1101. Who's the father?

1102. Well, Tim, I hope.

1103. Thank God for that. Jolly awkward if it had been another fellow.

1104. We have to decide tonight.

1105. What? Everything.

1106. The only thing you've decided about our

1107. wedding is that I'm coming down the aisle

1108. to the sound of some ltalian weirdo

1109. singing a song called Il Mondo.

1110. Excellent song.

1111. To which I've said a definitive?'no.?'

1112. So here's the deal.

1113. I will take off one item of clothing for every decision you make.

1114. Okay. You have my attention, young lady.

1115. Right, um,

1116. where would you like to get married?

1117. Home. I'd hate anywhere else.

1118. Okay.

1119. My God. Good.

1120. Who should the priest be?

1121. ?t'll have to be the local bloke

1122. with yellow teeth and the massive unibrow.

1123. Okay.

1124. That's a lock for Hagrid.

1125. Um...

1126. Best Man?

1127. Damn.

1128. Best Man. Now.

1129. No, this is so hard. It's lose-lose you know You piss off all the

1130. ones you don't pick, and you end up hating the one you do pick

1131. because he makes a bad speech and ruins the day.

1132. Do you wanna see these puppies or not?

1133. Yes, I do.

1134. Jay. it's your choice.

1135. He's my best friend, but he's a moron.

1136. Yeah, he will mess up everything.

1137. Rory. Sure?

1138. No, Harry.

1139. Harry it is. Let's do this.

1140. Rory. Sorry.

1141. What? That's such a cheat.

1142. Okay, fine.

1143. Honeymoon?

1144. Bed and breakfast in Scotland.

1145. I am not taking my pants off for Scotland.

1146. But it's all we can afford. Take off your pants.

1147. I will not.

1148. Take off your pants!

1149. I want two weeks in Bali!

1150. Take off those pants!

1151. Have you planned a break? No.

1152. No! Is that you?t wasn't me.

1153. ?t's for you.

1154. No, I'm caught! I've got it. I've got it!

1155. Help me!

1156. Yes!

1157. Right, follow me!

1158. My gosh!

1159. My God!

1160. God!

1161. it's a joke!

1162. Here.

1163. Yes, come on.

1164. This way.

1165. My God!

1166. Hello,

1167. I'm Rory.

1168. When Tim asked me to be his Best Man, I was terrified.

1169. So I thought best thing is to find

1170. a book about speeches. And here it is.

1171. And it says think of really funny anecdotes.

1172. And there is a very hilarious story, actually from work.

1173. ?t was quite a complicated case based on an issue of

1174. cross-amortisation of ownership of

1175. post-divorce properties and, um...

1176. Let me just explain the context. The Defendant...

1177. When Tim asked me to do his Best Man speech,

1178. my immediate reaction was,

1179. ?'How much are you gonna pay me, you little shit?

1180. ?'l don't write for free, you know.?'

1181. These were the girls available to him at that time.

1182. ?'Hello, girls.?' And this is how far he got with each of them.

1183. Let me explain the code. 5, blow job.

1184. 8, full penetrative... and so a toast

1185. to the man with the worst haircut

1186. but the best bride in the room.

1187. Ladies and gentlemen, Tim and Mary.

1188. Tim and Mary.

1189. That's us.

1190. I wish I'd said?'l love you.?'

1191. You did, Dad.

1192. ?t was implied.

1193. I'm not sure?'implied?' is good enough for a wedding day, are you?

1194. No, don't do it, it's fine.

1195. I'm so happy with it as it was. You really don't have to.

1196. I'll do what I wanna do, young man.

1197. Will you excuse me for just one moment?

1198. later on I may tell you about

1199. Tim's many failings as a man and as a table tennis player.

1200. But,

1201. important first to say the one

1202. big thing, I've only loved

1203. three men in my life.

1204. My dad was a frosty bugger so that

1205. only leaves dear Uncle Desmond,

1206. B. B. King, obviously, and this young man here.

1207. I'd only give one piece of advice to anyone marrying.

1208. We're all quite similar in the end.

1209. We all get old and tell the same tales too many times.

1210. But try and marry someone

1211. kind.

1212. And this is a kind man

1213. with a good heart.

1214. I'm not particularly proud

1215. of many things in my life, but I am very proud

1216. to be the father of my son.

1217. I'm so sorry to disturb you, but I wonder if I could have your autograph.

1218. No. No.

1219. I'm at a wedding, for God's sake.

1220. I'm here to celebrate true love not

1221. scribble my illegible signature on stupid

1222. bits of paper that you can flog on eBay

1223. so that at the next wedding you can wear a less hideous hat.

1224. I see you've met my Aunt May.

1225. God. People should wear name tags.

1226. You next, Kittle Kattle.

1227. I don't know, Uncle D.

1228. Boys aren't very nice.

1229. Aren't they, darling?

1230. Not in my experience.

1231. They're always taking liberties,

1232. not giving much back in return.

1233. ?t's yummy. Yeah?

1234. I like the way you say 'yummy.'

1235. Do you wish we'd picked another less wet day?

1236. No.

1237. Not for the world.

1238. And so it begins.

1239. Lots and lots of types of days.

1240. Fun!

1241. Posy.

1242. Posy she is.

1243. The most beautiful girl in the world.

1244. You want your daddy. Yes, I know.

1245. Yeah.

1246. No one can ever prepare you for

1247. what happens when you have a child.

1248. When you see the baby in your arms

1249. and you know that it's your job now.

1250. No one can prepare you for the love and the fear.

1251. She's lovely.

1252. You were such an ugly baby.

1253. More chimpanzee than child.

1254. I remember the first time I saw you,

1255. I thanked God we were in driving distance of London Zoo.

1256. Come on, hand over the little bugger,

1257. let's see if she bounces.

1258. Yeah, she definitely will bounce.

1259. Look.

1260. She can do anything.

1261. Look. Hello.

1262. Sweetheart.

1263. No one can prepare you for the love

1264. people you love can feel for them.

1265. And nothing can prepare you for

1266. the indifference of friends who don't have babies.

1267. Do you wanna go to Uncle Jay?

1268. No, thanks, it's fine. It's great.

1269. And it's a shock how quickly you have to move

1270. to a new place you completely can't afford.

1271. Look what we found.

1272. Look who it is!

1273. Honey!

1274. Sorry.

1275. Suddenly, time travel seems almost unnecessary,

1276. because every detail of life is so delightful.

1277. What's his name?

1278. Horace, I think.

1279. Of course it is.

1280. Only one important thing for a godfather, I'm told,

1281. never bring a present smaller than the child.

1282. Shut up, you smug bastard.

1283. Don't worry, I didn't bring anything at all.

1284. She'll never know. Hasn't got a brain yet.

1285. I didn't expect to see you here, Harry.

1286. Children's party's not exactly your style.

1287. No, Mary, I was tricked. I was told there would be free booze.

1288. I hate kids, as you know.

1289. Where's Kit Kat, by the way?

1290. I don't know, she said she'd be here around 3:00.

1291. And you know we got purple cupcakes for her especially.

1292. Here she is!

1293. Speak of the devil, that will be her.

1294. We'll wait till Aunty Kit Kat gets here.

1295. Hey. Jimmy.

1296. Where's my sister?

1297. Thought she was here.

1298. No, she hasn't arrived.

1299. That's not good.

1300. What does that mean?

1301. Um... We had an argument this morning.

1302. Over nothing, but she'd been drinking, so...

1303. And then she ran out to get the car to come here and

1304. I told her to meet me here so...

1305. There's a song by Baz Luhrmann called Sunscreen.

1306. He says worrying about the future

1307. is as effective as trying to solve

1308. an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.

1309. The real troubles in your life

1310. will always be things that never crossed your worried mind.

1311. What happened?

1312. We had a fight.

1313. And,

1314. maybe I wasn't completely sober.

1315. How is she? Not good.

1316. When did she leave you? From where?

1317. I want it exact. Exact time. Exact address.

1318. Here we are. Sorry, sorry.

1319. Come on.

1320. God.

1321. Hi. There she is.

1322. Does a small baby live here?

1323. Yes, and she's so excited. She's downstairs.

1324. Happy birthday, Posy.

1325. I'm sorry. I had to pick up Kit Kat.

1326. I thought she was gonna drive herself.

1327. Turns out she couldn't.

1328. She okay? Later.

1329. I'm worried about Kit Kat.

1330. Yeah. I know.

1331. She was drinking wine while we were drinking tea.

1332. And Jimmy wasn't nice to her.

1333. And she spurned the purple cupcakes.

1334. We have to do something to fix it.

1335. Yeah.

1336. But, you know,

1337. if it's gonna be fixed, I think she probably has to do it herself.

1338. Maybe.

1339. Maybe not.

1340. My darling. What's happened?

1341. You're the best person in the world.

1342. You're top equal with my wife. I don't get it.

1343. Maybe, just maybe,

1344. I'm the faller.

1345. Every family has, like, someone who falls,

1346. who doesn't make the grade, who stumbles,

1347. who life trips up.

1348. Maybe I'm our faller.

1349. No.

1350. Okay. I'm gonna tell you a secret.

1351. And you have to promise to keep it.

1352. We've always kept secrets.

1353. We have?

1354. You promise you won't ever, ever, ever,

1355. ever, ever, ever, ever,

1356. ever, ever, ever, ever tell?

1357. Yes.

1358. I can travel in time.

1359. Why are we standing in the cupboard under the stairs?

1360. Because we're gonna go back in time and you're gonna do some things differently.

1361. I love it when you're funny.

1362. Grab my hand. Close your eyes.

1363. My God! My God!

1364. My arsing God in a box.

1365. You're kidding?

1366. I can go anywhere in time and you bring me back to the worst party of all time.

1367. 'Fraid so. Let's go.

1368. We've got work to do.

1369. What work?

1370. Making sure you do not meet Jimmy Kincade.

1371. Quick, in here.

1372. But he's about to fall in love with me!

1373. Not this time he isn't.

1374. Who's the pretty looking girl? It's Jennifer, isn't it?

1375. Yeah.

1376. Wild!

1377. I like your skirt, Jennifer.

1378. Thank you.

1379. Right, I get it.

1380. ?f he hadn't met me, he would have just had sex with someone else.

1381. Nip it in the bud?

1382. Excuse me, Jimmy.

1383. Sorry. Do I know you?

1384. Yeah, you do.

1385. Very well. Sorry.

1386. And this is what I should have done right at the start.

1387. Happy New Year, everybody. Happy New Year.

1388. And back to the cupboard.

1389. Amazing!

1390. What happens now?

1391. God knows.

1392. What I'm hoping is that from this moment on you avoid

1393. the sleazy bad guys because they're sleazy and bad.

1394. When did you get so serious?

1395. Since it occurred to me that I might lose you.

1396. Brace yourself, this could be weird.

1397. Things will have changed.

1398. My God.

1399. What?

1400. Jay.

1401. Jay Jay? Yes.

1402. And he's adorable. My God.

1403. Right,

1404. let's do this.

1405. Come on, you two.

1406. Mum's just cracked open a packet of biscuits.

1407. I've got something in mind for you.

1408. I know what you're gonna say.

1409. Have a biscuit and come and help me.

1410. But leave the rest for Uncle D.

1411. ?t's just tidying really.

1412. You all right? I missed you. Yeah.

1413. Your mum wants me to do some gardening. Okay.

1414. it's tidying up, it's all a bit out of control.

1415. Anything that looks dead, out.

1416. This is what we're looking for. Okay? All this.

1417. Dead stuff. See this.

1418. They've torn them to shreds, haven't they?

1419. How did everything go?

1420. Immensely satisfactory.

1421. I'm so happy. I wanna hear all about it.

1422. Will you do dinner for us because there's something

1423. I have to do before 6:00 or I'll get fired?

1424. Yeah. I can't think of anything I'd love to do more.

1425. Okay, where is the most fabulous person in the world?

1426. Come to your dad and get mashed up food shoved into your mouth!

1427. Hello there, little boy.

1428. You just

1429. wait there and I'll be back in a minute.

1430. Dad, can I have a quick word?

1431. Yeah. Sure.

1432. I can't go back past the birth again, can I?

1433. No. I should have mentioned that.

1434. You're okay till it comes out but the exact

1435. sperm at the exact moment got you this

1436. particular baby,

1437. so if you do anything the tiniest bit

1438. different, you'll have a different child.

1439. So, every day up 'til yesterday is as it will always be? Lost?

1440. Just like for everyone else.

1441. Okay. Interesting.

1442. Tough. I love you, Dad. I've gotta go.

1443. No.

1444. We're not leaving this room until we find

1445. a way of making sure this never happens again.

1446. Will you go now?

1447. I have to leave Jimmy, don't I?

1448. For good.

1449. And I have to stop drinking.

1450. And stop leaving jobs.

1451. And I have to go out with someone

1452. nice and boring.

1453. Yay.

1454. And, you know, nice isn't necessarily boring.

1455. Like who?

1456. Matt Damon?

1457. Okay.

1458. I'll go out with Matt Damon.

1459. Tell me, have you seen Jay recently?

1460. Your Jay? What, sticky-up hair Jay? Looks a bit like a muppet Jay?

1461. Yes.

1462. He just popped into my head. He's always had a crush on you.

1463. Really? Yeah.

1464. Weird!

1465. Thinking of asking him to dinner. Are you free?

1466. Might be. Might have to freshen up a bit first.

1467. Yeah. You look shit.

1468. Joanna.

1469. Thank Christ you're back.

1470. ?t's been a total nightmare.

1471. I know. It's all fine anyway.

1472. Where is she?

1473. it was the single worst night of my life. Where's Posy?

1474. There she is! Hello!

1475. Hello! Hello.

1476. Darling, how are you doing?

1477. Let's have another one.

1478. Screw that. No.

1479. That hurt and I got fat. Like fat-fat.

1480. Got a little bit fat, didn't she.

1481. Tell Mummy you want a sister.

1482. No. Tell Daddy you're happy being an only child.

1483. Fortunately we are young and careless and

1484. it wasn't long before there were four of us.

1485. And this is incredible. Posy Lake, only 3 years old,

1486. is about to break the women's 10 metre Olympic record.

1487. They're gonna do it. And here they are, they've done it! Fantastic.

1488. That was brilliant. You're so good.

1489. Sleeping right through all that.

1490. Can you help me? I'm so nervous.

1491. What do I wear for dinner with our bestselling author?

1492. Let me finish up with the monsters and I'll come right up.

1493. Great. Thank you.

1494. Go again.

1495. Okay. How about this?

1496. That's gorgeous. Job done. Yeah.

1497. No. Take it seriously. It's...

1498. I don't know. No, I hate it.

1499. Yeah. It's boring and

1500. makes me look kind of lumpy.

1501. No, you're right. It is boring and lumpy. I hate it.

1502. Okay. What about this?

1503. Gorgeous. We did it.

1504. No, it's too breasty.

1505. Is it? Okay.

1506. ?t's not too breasty.

1507. No. I'm not wearing these heels. I look like a prostitute.

1508. Not high heels, then.

1509. But then we have the short legs problem.

1510. Well, do you want to look like a prostitute or a dwarf?

1511. Warning. That's a warning.

1512. Yes!

1513. No.

1514. No!

1515. Now that I like.

1516. No, I'm just picking up the dress

1517. that this goes under. Such a bad boy.

1518. This one?

1519. Not bad.

1520. Or this one?

1521. ?t's a trick question, isn't it? Same dress. No!

1522. No?

1523. Okay. I don't think this one's too bad.

1524. Yeah, it's fabulous.

1525. Really? Yeah.

1526. Okay. Great. Good.

1527. Um...

1528. How about the blue one?

1529. The blue one? Yeah.

1530. The first one that you tried on that was boring and lumpy,

1531. but that wasn't actually boring and lumpy, that one?

1532. Yeah, which do you prefer?

1533. I don't know. I'm actually starting to go mad.

1534. I think I like the blue one.

1535. Okay. Yeah.

1536. Okay. Okay, let's go with this one, then?

1537. You look amazing.

1538. Really? Yes.

1539. Okay, thanks.

1540. God.

1541. Where's Posy?

1542. I left her downstairs.

1543. Not leaving the door open to the room with the manuscript in it?

1544. I don't think so.

1545. Look at me. Look me in

1546. And talk me through this. Basically my life is over.

1547. I really need to go out for just like two minutes, maybe one.

1548. Don't you dare!

1549. Don't you dare answer that! What am I gonna do?

1550. I think that we should really answer the phone.

1551. ?f you answer the goddamn phone,

1552. I will kill you with the phone.

1553. I won't answer the phone, but I do need to get out.

1554. No, no getting out, no getting out. No.

1555. Okay, right.

1556. Sorry, Mr McEwan.

1557. We read most of your book but, you see, the rest of it was

1558. coloured on or shredded.

1559. Yeah.

1560. I had no idea Posy actually knew how to use

1561. that machine. In a way that's impressive.

1562. What is it? How can I help you?

1563. Mary.

1564. No, everything... Sorry.

1565. Your son will explain.

1566. ?t's your mother.

1567. Hi, Mum.

1568. No, no, it's okay. We'll...

1569. We'll come straight down.

1570. Okay, bye.

1571. Hello, darling.

1572. Mum. How are you?

1573. Honestly?

1574. Why not?

1575. I am fucking furious.

1576. I am so uninterested in a life without your father.

1577. Mary. Come on, let's make some tea.

1578. How are you?

1579. Yeah, I'm fine.

1580. Did you eat?

1581. Yes, of course.

1582. Desmond.

1583. How are you?

1584. I'm very well, thanks.

1585. Though a little hot.

1586. Your father, I think, is not so well.

1587. Cancer.

1588. Yes.

1589. I'm very unhappy about it, Tim.

1590. At your wedding he said he loved me.

1591. He does. I know.

1592. That was the best day of my life.

1593. So this is probably the worst.

1594. Dad.

1595. For God's sake.

1596. Not you, too.

1597. What?

1598. Well, Kit Kat's just rolled up blubbing her eyes out and now you're here.

1599. What's Mum been saying?

1600. The truth.

1601. Yeah, well,

1602. apart from that?

1603. ?t may have been the smoking but I couldn't

1604. undo that as it was before you were all born.

1605. And anyway, your mother definitely wouldn't have gone out with me

1606. if I hadn't been such a sexy smoker.

1607. I did get diagnosed as soon as possible, but it was too late.

1608. How long have we got?

1609. You know, it, it could be years.

1610. How long really?

1611. Weeks, I'm afraid.

1612. Have we had this conversation before?

1613. Yeah.

1614. What happened?

1615. I rather let myself down.

1616. I hugged you.

1617. Sorry.

1618. I think I just thought with the time thing...

1619. No, I never said we could fix things.

1620. I specifically never said that.

1621. Life's a mixed bag, no matter who you are.

1622. Look at Jesus. He was the Son of God,

1623. for God's sake, and look how that turned out.

1624. I know, but

1625. you must see I feel a bit cheated.

1626. Don't. In fact, feel the opposite.

1627. The only people who give up work at 50

1628. are the time travellers with cancer who want

1629. to play more table tennis with their sons.

1630. Right.

1631. So that's been the deal?

1632. I'm sorry we had to call. It's suddenly got very bad.

1633. And I have something very important to tell you.

1634. Or, let me check,

1635. do you want to know the big secret,

1636. or would you rather find it out for yourself like I did?

1637. Christ, there's another secret?

1638. Less dramatic. Much more important.

1639. The real mothership.

1640. No, go on. Tell me.

1641. Let's save some time.

1642. And so he told me his secret formula for happiness.

1643. Part one of the two part plan

1644. was that I should just get on with ordinary life,

1645. living it day by day, like anyone else.

1646. This is our current statement with a revised paragraph there, highlighted.

1647. Rupert. Rupert, is that the best you can do?

1648. No. Absolutely not. We can change that.

1649. ltem number two.

1650. Good afternoon, sir. Are you eating in or taking away today?

1651. Take away, please.

1652. Yeah? No problem.

1653. Lovely, that's 4.24 then, please, sir. Thank you kindly.

1654. Lovely. And there's your change, sir. 76 pence change.

1655. Thanks. Thank you. Hello there.

1656. Are you eating in or taking away?

1657. Do you find the Defendant, John Welbeck, guilty or not guilty of fraud?

1658. Not guilty.

1659. And that is the verdict of you all? Yes. Thank you. You may be seated.

1660. Thank God.

1661. Let the Defendant be discharged.

1662. Be upstanding in court.

1663. Lights out? Yeah.

1664. Tough day.

1665. But then came part two of Dad's plan.

1666. He told me to live every day again almost exactly the same.

1667. The first time with all the tensions and worries that

1668. stop us noticing how sweet the world can be,

1669. but the second time noticing.

1670. Okay, Dad.

1671. Let's give it a go.

1672. What's our statement at the moment?

1673. This is it with the revised...

1674. Robert, this does not pass. Is this the best you can do?

1675. I'll leave you two to thrash this out.

1676. Ooh.

1677. Good afternoon, sir. Good afternoon.

1678. Are you eating in or taking away today? Take away, please.

1679. Would you like a bag?

1680. That's fine.

1681. Lovely. That's 6.23 then, please. And enjoy the rest of your day.

1682. Thank you. Bye-bye.

1683. Hello, there.

1684. Look around you! What?

1685. ? sn't this room beautiful?

1686. Yeah.

1687. Come on.

1688. Not guilty.

1689. Fantastic!

1690. So not such a bad day after all?

1691. No. it was pretty good really.

1692. Very good day, actually, as it turns out.

1693. Well, that's a relief,

1694. because if it had been a very bad day,

1695. I thought I might have had to have had sex with you to make up for it.

1696. Goodnight.

1697. ?t was a very, very bad day.

1698. ?t went very, very badly.

1699. I got fired from my job.

1700. And then I killed a man.

1701. That is a very bad day.

1702. ?t's terrible. Yeah.

1703. Like the worst day ever.

1704. So sorry.

1705. Some days, of course, though, you only want to go through once.

1706. You okay?

1707. Right, are we ready for this?

1708. 'Course we're not. Hateful day.

1709. Just give me one minute.

1710. This is so brilliant.

1711. Dickens is so good on actual jokes, actual gags.

1712. Where have you come from?

1713. ?t's the...

1714. Okay.

1715. Big day.

1716. Thanks for dropping in. How's Uncle Desmond's suit?

1717. ? mmaculate.

1718. Excellent.

1719. Did I mention I wanted the Nick Cave track?

1720. ?t's taken care of.

1721. Thank you.

1722. Can I just read you this one bit?

1723. Read away, I've got lots of time.

1724. ?'l think the Romans must have aggravated

1725. ?'one another very much with their noses.

1726. ?'Perhaps they became the restless people they were in consequence.

1727. ?'Anyhow, Mr Wopsle's Roman nose so aggravated me...?'

1728. What do you think about the kids?

1729. What about them?

1730. Not many of them, are there?

1731. What?

1732. Well, I mean two?

1733. ?t's more than the Chinese are allowed.

1734. I just thought that maybe, you know,

1735. it was time for the insurance baby.

1736. What?

1737. In case one of them is really smart,

1738. we don't want the other one to feel stupid their whole life.

1739. And if we had a third one, then we could have two happy dummies.

1740. What do you think?

1741. It was the toughest decision of my life.

1742. Saying 'yes' to the future meant

1743. saying 'goodbye' to my dad. Forever.

1744. Why don't we wait a bit?

1745. Absolutely.

1746. You're right. Yeah.

1747. How about now?

1748. Or now?

1749. Now?

1750. Yeah,

1751. okay.

1752. Really?

1753. Dad always wished there had been more of us.

1754. So...

1755. Anyway, we might try and nothing happens.

1756. Exactly.

1757. Really could be tonight.

1758. And you cannot believe the detail in which

1759. I know the route to the hospital.

1760. Yay.

1761. Will you excuse me for a sec?

1762. Just have to go downstairs.

1763. and it's 17-20 in this incredibly tight contest

1764. being played by the two most physically

1765. perfect players in the history of the game.

1766. The crowd, enchanted by the younger player, are seduced

1767. by memories of the older player's illustrious past.

1768. My God, I've won.

1769. I haven't won in years.

1770. You finally got good.

1771. What's my prize? Apart from the Olympic gold medal, of course.

1772. A kiss will have to do.

1773. A kiss?

1774. I get you.

1775. This is it, then?

1776. This is it.

1777. ?t's my last bit of extra time.

1778. The baby is completely on the way.

1779. Congratulations.

1780. My son.

1781. My dad.

1782. Is there anything at all I can do?

1783. Is there anything you want to do?

1784. I don't know. There is this

1785. one thing.

1786. A quick little walk.

1787. Totally against the rules, of course,

1788. but if we don't change a thing,

1789. if we're very careful, it shouldn't do any harm.

1790. ?t would be nice.

1791. I'm really trying. I'm really trying.

1792. Get down low.

1793. Total defeat.

1794. I'm tired.

1795. Thanks, Dad.

1796. So I'm almost up-to-date with my story.

1797. As all families do, we got used to life after death.

1798. And it was still fine.

1799. And things settled back into their traditional rhythms season after season,

1800. and are much as they have always been.

1801. And we've got used to Kit Kat being happy again.

1802. And then we got used to her being a mum.

1803. Albeit not a very good or even safe one.

1804. And in the end,

1805. I think I've learned the final lesson from my travels in time.

1806. And I've even gone one step further than my father did.

1807. Okay, I'll do the kids.

1808. No, don't worry. I'll do them.

1809. Yeah, you do them, you lazy bum.

1810. The truth is, I now don't travel back at all.

1811. Not even for the day.

1812. I just try to live every day as if

1813. I've deliberately come back to this one day

1814. to enjoy it as if it was the full final day

1815. of my extraordinary, ordinary life.

1816. Hello, you're down already. That's great. Thank you so much for that.

1817. And in we go.

1818. Posy? Posy!

1819. That's fine.

1820. We're all travelling through time together

1821. every day of our lives.

1822. All we can do is do our best

1823. to relish this remarkable ride.

1824. Yes, yes, yes...

1825. Okay, I'll see you then.

1826. Bye-bye.

1827. See you later.