1. Help me get her
in the car, Ray!Copy !req
2. Okay, but this bitch
heavy as hell, cuz!Copy !req
3. Nigga,
get your hands off her ass!Copy !req
4. Let me finger
gangbang her at least, homie!Copy !req
5. Just help me
get her to the hospital!Copy !req
6. Okay, one finger then!
Ray!Copy !req
7. All right, but we
ain't goin' inside, homie.Copy !req
8. We gonna go around
the emergency loop,Copy !req
9. roll her ass out like
we do all the homiesCopy !req
10. that get shot
in the hood, homie.Copy !req
11. Why you snuff her fine ass anyway, homie?
I wanted to bone, cuz.Copy !req
12. She was possessed, Ray!
Possessed?Copy !req
13. Possessed like head
spinnin' aroundCopy !req
14. vomitin' everywhere,
possessed?Copy !req
15. Or like possessed like KanyeCopy !req
16. when you take
a picture of him?Copy !req
17. Just drive like
you got warrants, please!Copy !req
18. Nigga, I do got warrants!Copy !req
19. Look! These right here!
Jaywalkin'!Copy !req
20. For eating grapes in the grocery
store without payin' for 'em!Copy !req
21. Shavin' my dog's
balls in public.Copy !req
22. Drivin' with my hands
off the wheel, cuz.Copy !req
23. I be ghost-ridin'
my whip, cuz.Copy !req
24. I like doin' that shit, homie.Copy !req
25. An altercation with my moms,
homie, but she provoked me, cuz!Copy !req
26. Ray-Ray, I think she's waking.
All right, here! Take thisCopy !req
27. and pistol-whip her
with the butt of the gun.Copy !req
28. I'm not pistol-whippin'
my girlfriend!Copy !req
29. All right, nigga, well, you drive
and I'll pistol-whip that bitch!Copy !req
30. Kisha, resist!Copy !req
31. But you didn't!Copy !req
32. I've seen you for the bitch that
you are, Malcolm.Copy !req
33. What's she talkin' about, homie?
Booty pirates!Copy !req
34. Nothing, she's possessed, man.
That's right, you fucker!Copy !req
35. He's a Ghostbuster!Copy !req
36. That sound real suspect
back there, homie.Copy !req
37. Was you in juvie, cuz?Copy !req
38. If you don't cry, you ain't
no bitch in there, homie.Copy !req
39. I didn't cry. Doodles on they dick.
Joke's on them, cuz.Copy !req
40. By the powers vested to me,Copy !req
41. that somebody gave me
while I was locked up...Copy !req
42. Who are you?
It's Father Williams, homie.Copy !req
43. She do a mean impression
of that nigga, cuz.Copy !req
44. I do a mean impression
of The Butler. Check it.Copy !req
45. "I'm here for the boss.
I'm here to serve the boss."Copy !req
46. Who are you?
I'm Forest Whitaker, homie.Copy !req
47. From the movie
that's like The Help,Copy !req
48. but he didn't doo-doo
in the pie, homie.Copy !req
49. Ray, I'm not talkin' to you!
I'm talkin' to Kisha.Copy !req
50. Ray!Copy !req
51. Are you gonna let that bitch
choke you out, cuz?Copy !req
52. You a bitch, homie...Copy !req
53. Get the fuck off me!Copy !req
54. Kisha! Kisha!Copy !req
55. Oh, shit, she breathed
in my face, homie.Copy !req
56. I'll get the bird flu,
it's contagious...Copy !req
57. She blacked out, Ray.Copy !req
58. Hurry, we don't have
much time!Copy !req
59. Get us to the hospital. Hurry!Copy !req
60. Ray? Ray?Copy !req
61. Oh, shit!Copy !req
62. Oh, my God!
Kisha? Kisha!Copy !req
63. Ray?Copy !req
64. Ray!Copy !req
65. It's a good thing I drank
that Hennessy earlier.Copy !req
66. I can't feel shit, homie!Copy !req
67. I think Kisha's dead.Copy !req
68. Good! Let's get the fuck
outta here, homie!Copy !req
69. Listen.
We were never here.Copy !req
70. I'm with you, cuz.
All right. Deuces!Copy !req
71. We ghost hunters!Copy !req
72. I don't know
about this place, baby.Copy !req
73. You've said that about
every house we looked at.Copy !req
74. There's just something creepy
about this place, like...Copy !req
75. Give me the heebie-jeebies...Copy !req
76. Like somethin' bad
happened in here.Copy !req
77. Well, I love it.
And I love you.Copy !req
78. There you go, bribin' me with vagina.
Whatever works.Copy !req
79. Know when I'm weak.Copy !req
80. Disgusting.Copy !req
81. Oh, it's disgusting
when we do it,Copy !req
82. but when you kissing the whole
entire sophomore class,Copy !req
83. it's cool, huh?Copy !req
84. Give me that damn camera,
you little gnat!Copy !req
85. Oh, finger.
Real creative. Wow.Copy !req
86. Cut her some slack.Copy !req
87. She's just goin'
through a phase.Copy !req
88. Yeah, a phase.
It's called "whore."Copy !req
89. Look at that. Last a lifetime.
Malcolm, stop!Copy !req
90. No, see,
that's a phase.Copy !req
91. Looks like
he met an imaginary friend.Copy !req
92. It's normal.Copy !req
93. What you doin' there, buddy?Copy !req
94. Want to help me
load some boxes?Copy !req
95. Cool!
All right. My man!Copy !req
96. Sorry, Malcolm. I can't.Copy !req
97. Why not?Copy !req
98. Tony says, "Aw, hell no!
I ain't yo' slave!"Copy !req
99. Is it me or does his
imaginary friend sound black?Copy !req
100. Pretty progressive.Copy !req
101. Why don't you
and your friend go play?Copy !req
102. Okay.Copy !req
103. That game sounds like fun!Copy !req
104. Oh!Copy !req
105. I don't like
the tripping game, Tony.Copy !req
106. Look at all that sexy.
Come here. Give me a kiss.Copy !req
107. Let's piss off
your forefathers.Copy !req
108. Malcolm, it's 2013. Interracial
relationships are not a big deal anymore.Copy !req
109. Yeah, you tell that
to the sistas.Copy !req
110. You know, they be like,
"I know he didn't!"Copy !req
111. "He did not kiss that pasty
ass white bitch!" Pasty?Copy !req
112. "Yes! Not with them
old thin ass lips.Copy !req
113. "Look at them,
look like baloney slices!"Copy !req
114. "Uh-uh.
See he straight scrippin'Copy !req
115. "and it don't make
no damn sense."Copy !req
116. Come here, Shiloh Junior.Copy !req
117. There's my baby boy.Copy !req
118. I still can't believeCopy !req
119. you named our dog
Shiloh Junior.Copy !req
120. Well, I was gonna name him
Shiloh Two or Shiloh the Sequel,Copy !req
121. but he wouldn't answer to
those, so, Shiloh Junior it is.Copy !req
122. C'mon! Hey, come on,
Shiloh Junior.Copy !req
123. Hey, babe,
are you gettin' this?Copy !req
124. I really don't
understandCopy !req
125. your obsession
with all these cameras.Copy !req
126. Hey, you can never have
too many cameras, okay?Copy !req
127. Hey, Shiloh! Come on, baby.Copy !req
128. You ready to go see
your new house, Shiloh Junior?Copy !req
129. Come on, Shiloh Junior. Shiloh Junior!
Hey, get inside.Copy !req
130. Don't make me put bass
in my voice.Copy !req
131. Hey! Shiloh!Copy !req
132. God, I don't know
what's wrong with him.Copy !req
133. Oh, fucking...Copy !req
134. Oh, shit!
Oh, breathe!Copy !req
135. Come on, Shiloh!
Don't go towards the light!Copy !req
136. Call 9-1-1.Copy !req
137. Tell 'em the dog is white!
Tell 'em the dog is white!Copy !req
138. Oh, God. I got a pulse.Copy !req
139. Breathe! Shiloh, like this.Copy !req
140. Fuck! Oh, my back!
Oh, my fuckin' back!Copy !req
141. Please, help me!Copy !req
142. My fuckin' dog is a pancake!Copy !req
143. Get me a goddamn pump!Copy !req
144. It's working! Come on!Copy !req
145. Meet me at the hospital!Copy !req
146. The hospital's that way!Copy !req
147. So young, never had
a chance to lick his balls.Copy !req
148. I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm good.Copy !req
149. You know, I'm just so happy
I got to spend time with...Copy !req
150. It's just every time I try
and say the name...Copy !req
151. Shiloh!Copy !req
152. Oh, God, it hurts!
Oh, God!Copy !req
153. It's tingly in...Copy !req
154. on, God!Copy !req
155. I'm goin' with you! Oh, God!
It's time to go bye-bye.Copy !req
156. Shiloh!Copy !req
157. Junior.Copy !req
158. Hey.Copy !req
159. I bet you could put a whole
lot of birth control in that.Copy !req
160. I really hate you.Copy !req
161. That's what your daddy said.
That's why the nigga gone.Copy !req
162. What've you got there?Copy !req
163. Just an old box
that I found in the basement.Copy !req
164. Don't you think we should
return it to the prior owners?Copy !req
165. If they wanted it,
they would've taken itCopy !req
166. in the first place.
Ooh.Copy !req
167. Okay, look, Becky,
I'm not your dad.Copy !req
168. I'm just the guy
that's like... Your mom.Copy !req
169. So I'll make you a deal.
I'll let you keep the boxCopy !req
170. if you promise to try and make this
work between me and you, okay?Copy !req
171. It's for your mom.
Fine.Copy !req
172. I think
we're gettin' somewhere.Copy !req
173. I'm just messin'
with you, bro.Copy !req
174. Oh, shit!Copy !req
175. I just do that when I'm talkin'
to negritos. It's all good.Copy !req
176. Did he just call me a nigger?
What's goin' on, bro?Copy !req
177. I just moved in with
my girl right hereCopy !req
178. and we was just
wonderin'Hi.Copy !req
179. Maybe if you want
to add us to your route?Copy !req
180. Are you serious? Dude, I live here, puto!
It's my house!Copy !req
181. Oh, shit! I'm sorry.
Oh, my God.Copy !req
182. I just assumed... You got
the gloves and the hat,Copy !req
183. and the lawnmower
and the truck.Copy !req
184. Oh, 'cause I'm Mexican I must be José!
Are you?Copy !req
185. No, fool!
My name is Miguel!Copy !req
186. Is that your truck?Copy !req
187. Yeah, that's my truck!
Then who's Jose?Copy !req
188. That's my middle name.
You wanna guess my last name?Copy !req
189. No,no, no.
Oh, come on.Copy !req
190. You guys are here,
you might as well.Copy !req
191. I don't know. Rodriguez?Copy !req
192. That's racist, bro.Copy !req
193. You asked...
Did he ask me or what?Copy !req
194. I'm just fuckin' with you!Copy !req
195. For the record, my name is
Miguel José Jesus Gonzalez...Copy !req
196. Smith.Copy !req
197. Wait, wait, wait.
What?Copy !req
198. Your last name is Smith?Copy !req
199. Yeah, I'm Mexican
on my mom's side.Copy !req
200. So, why is there
Gonzalez on your truck?Copy !req
201. Shit, would you trust your
garden to a guy named Smith?Copy !req
202. True. True.
Huh?Copy !req
203. Hey, my name is Malcolm, bro.
Yeah.Copy !req
204. I bet your last name
is Johnson.Copy !req
205. See, that's
some racist shit!Copy !req
206. Am I right?
But you're right!Copy !req
207. Nice to meet you, man. Yeah,
it's a pleasure meeting you!Copy !req
208. Nice to meet you. Tuesdays.
I can cut your grass on Tuesdays.Copy !req
209. What can I say, I'm a
gardener by ethnic default.Copy !req
210. Be good, negrito!Copy !req
211. Hey. What?Copy !req
212. You gon' try
and tease a brother?Copy !req
213. That's an invite?Copy !req
214. Come here,
let's do the quickie.Copy !req
215. One, two,
I'm done.Copy !req
216. What's that?
What?Copy !req
217. Oh! That's Abigail.
Ew.Copy !req
218. I found her in the wardrobe
that was left here.Copy !req
219. Yeah, well, put it back.Copy !req
220. Hey, stop! She's creepy!Copy !req
221. We look alike.
Yeah, same eyes and pigtails.Copy !req
222. Wait, no, no,
don't put it on the bed!Copy !req
223. Hey.Copy !req
224. How you doin'?Copy !req
225. You ain't gonna
say nothin', huh?Copy !req
226. Girl, you stupid.Copy !req
227. You don't want none of this?
Come here.Copy !req
228. Oh, I can't play with it
but you can.Copy !req
229. You gonna bite my lip?
Take that!Copy !req
230. You fuckin' like this!Copy !req
231. Uh-huh. It was gonna come.Copy !req
232. It was gonna come!Copy !req
233. Just wanna put the tip in.
I'm gonna put the tip in...Copy !req
234. Ah! Ahh! Ahh!Copy !req
235. Look at that.
Mmm. Uh-huh.Copy !req
236. Mmm, yeah.Copy !req
237. You got that goody. Bite the
pillow, bite that fuckin' pillow.Copy !req
238. You gonna eat
my butt now. Oh, shit!Copy !req
239. Nigga, she...
She lickin' that.Copy !req
240. You taste like doo-doo.
But I love it!Copy !req
241. You on the pill? I don't
want to get you pregnant.Copy !req
242. You wanna make
little doll babies?Copy !req
243. They gonna have my eyes
with your eyes...Copy !req
244. Oh, you gonna
give me splinters!Copy !req
245. Fuck this shit.
I wanna cry! it feels so...Copy !req
246. Don't look. Don't look.
Hold on a second.Copy !req
247. This side is wet with soap,
this one is dry.Copy !req
248. I'll clean you up, baby.Copy !req
249. I mighta leaked in you. I don't know
if I came, I leaked a little bit.Copy !req
250. That's all right.
You ain't even ovulatin'.Copy !req
251. Why you trippin'?
Come on, stop worrying.Copy !req
252. Honey, we're home!
Oh, shit! You gotta go!Copy !req
253. Shit! No!
Malcolm!Copy !req
254. Hi, honey! Um...Copy !req
255. Hey, where are you?Copy !req
256. You gotta go!
We... I'm just upstairs!Copy !req
257. You gotta get outta here.Copy !req
258. Fuck!Copy !req
259. Ah! Shit!Copy !req
260. Mmm.Copy !req
261. "Hanging out."Copy !req
262. Sounds a little soft
for my taste, but... Fuck it.Copy !req
263. Yeah, I don't think
this is right.Copy !req
264. Maybe I should
download the manual.Copy !req
265. What the...Copy !req
266. Great. Get up here.Copy !req
267. Can't breathe.
Can't breathe.Copy !req
268. Cut the camera.
Turn the camera off.Copy !req
269. Wow.Copy !req
270. I seen some shit, but that was...
That was crazy!Copy !req
271. A demonic figure tried to
hang a family in the backyard.Copy !req
272. I gotta keep this from
Megan and the kids.Copy !req
273. Is it weird that
I was aroused by this?Copy !req
274. Why is my dick
bending in my jeans?Copy !req
275. Hello? Hello?Copy !req
276. Twinkle, twinkle little starCopy !req
277. Who is this? Hello!Copy !req
278. It's a nigger.Copy !req
279. Oh,
that's a ugly motherfucker.Copy !req
280. Is that Steven Tyler?Copy !req
281. What the hell? Same tree!Copy !req
282. Shit! Kisha?Copy !req
283. Megan, what you doing? I almost
dumped the fuck out you!Copy !req
284. You got to holler at me!
You can't just be walkin' up.Copy !req
285. You gotta give me like a "whoop-ti-whoo,"
a "kakow!" or a "tsh-tsh"!Copy !req
286. Just make your own up.
Please announce yourself!Copy !req
287. Honey, you look like
you've seen a ghost.Copy !req
288. I think I did.Copy !req
289. Wait. So now
I look like a ghost.Copy !req
290. Excuse me,
where you goin' with this?Copy !req
291. So now I'm too pasty for you?Copy !req
292. Malcolm, I can't do anything about that!
What do you mean?Copy !req
293. Unless you want me to get
skin cancer from the sun.Copy !req
294. And deep nasty wrinkles, and then
they'll have to give me chemoCopy !req
295. and I'll lose all my hair, and then
I'll look like a nasty bald raisin!Copy !req
296. Is that what you want?
Is that what you want?Copy !req
297. No! I don't want you
to look like a raisin!Copy !req
298. I don't like the raisin!
I don't like to date raisins!Copy !req
299. I don't like the raisins
on Morgan Freeman's face!Copy !req
300. I just don't like raisins.Copy !req
301. I don't like the new ones
that Obama got,Copy !req
302. the young raisins on his face!Copy !req
303. I don't like raisins.Copy !req
304. So please,
don't look like a raisin.Copy !req
305. I need to go meditate and
get my chi back in alignment.Copy !req
306. What chi? You were just...Copy !req
307. Ah! Ahh!Copy !req
308. Walk to the light!
It's bedtime.Copy !req
309. What you all dressed up for?Copy !req
310. We goin' to a club?
Mmm-mmm.Copy !req
311. Foam party?
No.Copy !req
312. We goin' to a pajama jammy jam?
Just bed.Copy !req
313. Come on, Megan.Copy !req
314. You gotta be more comfortable
with this relationship...Copy !req
315. You're right. Put on some
sweat pants and some...Copy !req
316. Oh, my Jesus Lord!
Um, you're naked!Copy !req
317. I am.
Oh, wow.Copy !req
318. I like being naked, though.
I could be naked all day.Copy !req
319. All day? But come on,
that's not practical, hon.Copy !req
320. You got a job.Copy !req
321. You don't wanna be on the bus
naked or in Starbucks naked.Copy !req
322. Why not? 'Cause that coffee
spill on you, it's hot!Copy !req
323. It's gonna leave a scar.Copy !req
324. Melt one of your
nipples off or somethin'.Copy !req
325. Hey, hey, hey-Copy !req
326. The camera's on, baby.Copy !req
327. Good. Just make sure
you film my good side.Copy !req
328. What the fuck?
Are you serious?Copy !req
329. We gonna get all angles
on that... Oh, shit.Copy !req
330. Baby, your creepy doll
is makin' my dick scared.Copy !req
331. Just let her watch.Copy !req
332. You just said the right
type of nasty shit!Copy !req
333. Oh, God!
I gotta replenish my fluids.Copy !req
334. After round two.Copy !req
335. Whoo! Ah! Whoo!Copy !req
336. That was wild.
Come on, Malcolm.Copy !req
337. What,
aren't you done yet?Copy !req
338. I am now. Ready for round three?
Seriously...Copy !req
339. Oh, my God!Copy !req
340. Baby, you gotta train
for some shit like this!Copy !req
341. Come on, Malcolm,
bell's ringing.Copy !req
342. Time for round four.Copy !req
343. No, no, baby. My ding-ding
is knocked out cold.Copy !req
344. I can't do it.Copy !req
345. Corner's throwin' in
the towel!Copy !req
346. Let's go, Malcolm.Copy !req
347. I gotta get some Enswell
if we keep goin'!Copy !req
348. Malcolm.
Wait, no, baby!Copy !req
349. Right now
she is tearin' me up!Copy !req
350. Oh, my God!Copy !req
351. Aw!Copy !req
352. Want me to choke you?Copy !req
353. Is that what you like?
Huh? Huh?Copy !req
354. Stop being a bitch!Copy !req
355. Yeah! Come on!Copy !req
356. Oh! You want some of this?Copy !req
357. You like that?
It's kind of like a blindfoldCopy !req
358. except you can't fuckin' breathe!
Huh? Are you crying?Copy !req
359. That thing just moved!Copy !req
360. Except you can't
fuckin' breathe!Copy !req
361. Thing was watching!Copy !req
362. You little...
Who was watching?Copy !req
363. Oh, baby, come here.
Check this out!Copy !req
364. Oh, my God!Copy !req
365. Did you see it?Copy !req
366. How could I not?
I thought I was trippin'!Copy !req
367. I am so fat!
Look at me!Copy !req
368. I look like a huge
blubber ass!Copy !req
369. I'm like Miss Piggy
in there!Copy !req
370. What're you talking about?Copy !req
371. You said you were gonna
shoot my good side.Copy !req
372. I did shoot your good side.Copy !req
373. Look, I got all that
ass up in...Copy !req
374. Look at all that ass, girl.Copy !req
375. I'm black,
brothers like an ass.Copy !req
376. You know I do mean that
as a compliment, right?Copy !req
377. I see what's going on.Copy !req
378. You hate my vagina!
You think it's too loose!Copy !req
379. It's not!
It's only on the outside,Copy !req
380. but once you choose a wall,
it's pretty damn tight.Copy !req
381. You know what, Malcolm,
I have had two kids!Copy !req
382. I mean, do you think
the stork just dropped 'em offCopy !req
383. on the doorstep?Copy !req
384. No! You're knocked
up for nine monthsCopy !req
385. and then your lady parts
are stretched to limitsCopy !req
386. you cannot even fathom!Copy !req
387. Okay, baby.
I think your vagina's cute.Copy !req
388. Erase the tape or we are
never having sex again.Copy !req
389. Well, since you put it that way.
Erase the tape!Copy !req
390. Okay, I'm erasin' the tape!
I want to see you do it.Copy !req
391. I'm erasing the tape. I'm erasing it.
Erase it right now! Do it!Copy !req
392. It's erasing. Baby, I like the
way it sounds. Erase the tape!Copy !req
393. It's not loose!
I like the way it sounds!Copy !req
394. Sound like a blown speaker.
Just“Copy !req
395. You know, it's kinda like
Doug E. Fresh's beatbox.Copy !req
396. When I'm mum" it.
It's just...Copy !req
397. Mmm...Copy !req
398. Who the hell's hittin' me?
Abigail?Copy !req
399. You got a page?Copy !req
400. "In a relationship
with Malcolm Johnson"?Copy !req
401. I only hit it once! 27,000 views?Copy !req
402. What in the hell?Copy !req
403. I think I might've
fucked the wrong bitch.Copy !req
404. Now she's blowin' up
my cell phone? Look at that.Copy !req
405. Straight up stalker!
She's crazy!Copy !req
406. Listen, it's time to turn
my camera game up a level.Copy !req
407. I'm talkin' bathrooms,
countertops, computers,Copy !req
408. stuffed animals,
mouths and asses!Copy !req
409. It's goin' down everywhere!
I'm gonna live.Copy !req
410. Kitchen? Oh, yeah, I see you.Copy !req
411. Uh-huh. Perfect.
Yeah, and I got the ass, too.Copy !req
412. All inconspicuous.Copy !req
413. Told you, cameras everywhere.Copy !req
414. Hey, Becky,
wanna play Hide and Clap?Copy !req
415. Fuck Off!Copy !req
416. That's, "No, thank you."Copy !req
417. Let's do this.
Oh, lady's blindfold.Copy !req
418. You got this out
your momma's room, right?Copy !req
419. Oh, boy. Things me
and your momma do with this!Copy !req
420. Sometimes she ties my hands and flip
me over and toss that... Salad.Copy !req
421. Tony likes salad.
Anyway.Copy !req
422. I'll put this on.
Let's do it!Copy !req
423. One, two, three.
First clap!Copy !req
424. Come on. Give me a clap.Copy !req
425. Okay.Copy !req
426. Yeah, I'm gettin' close.
I smell you. I smell you.Copy !req
427. You smell like kids, like worms,
coins and doo-doo. Like...Copy !req
428. Shit!Copy !req
429. Can we just play Tag next time?
I just wanna play Tag.Copy !req
430. Wyatt? Wyatt?Copy !req
431. Where you at, you little shit?Copy !req
432. Third clap.Copy !req
433. A-ha!Copy !req
434. I got you, Wyatt.Copy !req
435. I win!
You took your blindfold off.Copy !req
436. You're right, Tony.
Malcolm is an idiot.Copy !req
437. Take your camera, loser.Copy !req
438. Yeah, I wanna learn
how to start a fire.Copy !req
439. What the hell was that?Copy !req
440. I coulda swore...Copy !req
441. Shit!Copy !req
442. Fucked you up!Copy !req
443. Fuck, are you crazy?
You know who the fuck I is?Copy !req
444. Malcolm!
Baby?Copy !req
445. Oh, my God!Copy !req
446. You can't be jumpin' out
on brothers like that.Copy !req
447. You'll get knocked
the fuck out every time.Copy !req
448. It was supposed to be a joke!
You okay?Copy !req
449. 'Cause I fucked you up!Copy !req
450. Like, I hit you with the force,
like with the follow-through.Copy !req
451. I wanna instant replay
that shit. Damn!Copy !req
452. 'Cause you got froze.
You went...Copy !req
453. "Please help me."Copy !req
454. God, I hope this works.Copy !req
455. What is that thing?Copy !req
456. That is not human.Copy !req
457. That was weird.Copy !req
458. A-ha!Copy !req
459. I caught your ass!Copy !req
460. No, you didn't.Copy !req
461. Oh, shit!Copy !req
462. Becky...
It's your box.Copy !req
463. What?Copy !req
464. I want you to touch me.Copy !req
465. Mmm.Copy !req
466. Okay.Copy !req
467. Not that box.Copy !req
468. You know I love you and
those kids, right? Yeah.Copy !req
469. And I'm gonna do everything in my
power to keep you guys protected.Copy !req
470. Yeah.Copy !req
471. What was that?
What?Copy !req
472. That!
The wind?Copy !req
473. Nigga, the windows
are closed! Okay?Copy !req
474. I'm tellin' you, that was
either a ghost or a demon.Copy !req
475. Or maybe it was a demon
pregnant with a ghost.Copy !req
476. Oh, this is cute!Copy !req
477. I will so wear this,
all day, every day.Copy !req
478. What if it's a burglar?Copy !req
479. Why the fuck are you excited?
It's a burglar!Copy !req
480. Either way it goes,
it's some scary shit!Copy !req
481. Okay,
not all burglars are scary.Copy !req
482. It is a burglar or a ghost! If
you talk to him, he'll leave.Copy !req
483. You shoot it in the face! If
you talk to him, he'll leave.Copy !req
484. And if the motherfucker's foot do this,
you shoot him in the face again!Copy !req
485. That is way too harsh.
What're you gonna do?Copy !req
486. I know what I'm gonna do.
What're you gonna do?Copy !req
487. Shoot him.Copy !req
488. You are not allowed to shoot
anyone in the face, mister!Copy !req
489. Becky?Copy !req
490. What in the...
Becky! Oh, God!Copy !req
491. Becky! Becky!Copy !req
492. Megan!
Oh, my God!Copy !req
493. Get me somethin',
Megan! Becky!Copy !req
494. That shit's gross. That
fuckin' sound, it bothers me.Copy !req
495. Gimme!Copy !req
496. Oh!Copy !req
497. That's all I got!
Okay, gimme!Copy !req
498. Get that thing outta here!
I got an idea!Copy !req
499. Come on! Bitch,
why ain't you movin'? Fuck!Copy !req
500. See, now this
is a good idea.Copy !req
501. All right.
Goodnight, Becky.Copy !req
502. Night, sweetheart.Copy !req
503. Hey, buddy,
what you doin'?Copy !req
504. Havin' a tea party.
Oh.Copy !req
505. You wanna go outside and do somethin'
a little bit more masculine?Copy !req
506. Like play some football?
No, not really.Copy !req
507. Hey, don't sit there!
That's Tony's seat!Copy !req
508. Oh, sorry.Copy !req
509. My bad, Tony.Copy !req
510. Tony says, "No problem,
bee-yotch." Want some tea?Copy !req
511. Uh... Yeah. Sure.Copy !req
512. Um, you know, Wyatt,
about your little buddy, Tony.Copy !req
513. I don't think he's such a good
influence on you, know what I mean?Copy !req
514. What the... That's straight vodka!
Tony calls it tea.Copy !req
515. He drinks a lot of tea.Copy !req
516. I really think you guys
need to stop this friendship.Copy !req
517. Tony doesn't think
that's such a good idea.Copy !req
518. You know what,
you tell TonyCopy !req
519. that I said you and him ain't gonna
be friends no more, and that's final!Copy !req
520. On second thought, you and Tony
have a beautiful friendship.Copy !req
521. Okay, I'll be downstairs doin' somethin'
with less spooky shit.Copy !req
522. This isn't good.
It's happening again.Copy !req
523. It's really fuckin' happening.Copy !req
524. What the fuck?Copy !req
525. Who is it?Copy !req
526. Hello?Copy !req
527. That's a spooky knock.Copy !req
528. Oh, you better run!Copy !req
529. Knock on my door, come out there
and slap you...Copy !req
530. What the fuck!Copy !req
531. I got a knife!Copy !req
532. What the...Copy !req
533. "Miss me?" Abigail!Copy !req
534. Oh, hell no!
Look, we gotta talk.Copy !req
535. This is a mistake, okay? This shit
gotta stop. It's gone too far.Copy !req
536. You see this? "Miss me?" In the house
with Megan, are you fuckin' crazy?Copy !req
537. I take full responsibility,
all right? This is my bad.Copy !req
538. I don't mean to sound clichéd.
It's not you, it's me.Copy !req
539. Don't play fuckin'
innocent with me,Copy !req
540. you knew I had a girl!Copy !req
541. I'm just being
selfish right now.Copy !req
542. I would love to have you
and Megan and...Copy !req
543. To be honest with you,
my stuffed animals.Copy !req
544. I'd like to bring them
in the mix.Copy !req
545. I'm tryin'
to make this work.Copy !req
546. You're just not
makin' it easy.Copy !req
547. I swear to... Ah! Fuck!Copy !req
548. You see what you made me do?
Only you do this to me!Copy !req
549. Fuckin' crazy! Oh, you lucky my
momma told me don't hit bitches!Copy !req
550. Fuckin' yeah, bitch.Copy !req
551. True enough.Copy !req
552. Fuck, you scare my... I didn't touch you!
I didn't touch you!Copy !req
553. You get outta my life, I'll
get outta yours. I'm done.Copy !req
554. Make no mistake.Copy !req
555. After this, it's over.Copy !req
556. You ready to go again? Yeah.Copy !req
557. Hello, Malcolm?Copy !req
558. Hey, hey, Professor Wilde,
how you doing?Copy !req
559. Malcolm, I'm glad
you reached out.Copy !req
560. What exactly
am I dealing with here?Copy !req
561. Well, the being
you described to meCopy !req
562. is a demon.Copy !req
563. Fuck, I knew it!Copy !req
564. A rare and obscure oneCopy !req
565. from Babylonian times
named Aghoul.Copy !req
566. And he's a trickster!Copy !req
567. And chances are this is not your
first encounter with this demon.Copy !req
568. Have you had paranormal
experiences in your past?Copy !req
569. Actually, yeah.
About a year ago.Copy !req
570. This is way worse
than I had thought...Copy !req
571. Oh, shit!
Oh, fuck!Copy !req
572. Ah!Copy !req
573. Nigga, I thought somebody was shootin'!
Thai food!Copy !req
574. It's spicy going in, but it's
twice as spicy going out!Copy !req
575. That's scientifically
impossible!Copy !req
576. I smell you in here!
What in the hell?Copy !req
577. Ah, excuse me.Copy !req
578. I hire based on skill level.Copy !req
579. Are those titties?Copy !req
580. Ladies, remember,Copy !req
581. we're making meth,
not baby aspirin.Copy !req
582. All the stories revolve around
Aghoul's attemptsCopy !req
583. to trick people into
bringing him into our worldCopy !req
584. and it can come through
the form of a possession,Copy !req
585. a spirit that
only a child can seeCopy !req
586. or an ancient object that
lures in the impressionable.Copy !req
587. So what you're saying is, something
is coming after me and my family.Copy !req
588. Malcolm, that's exactly
what I'm saying.Copy !req
589. Damn it, Jessica, you've got
your tit in the pseudoephedrine!Copy !req
590. Sorry, Malcolm.
I wish you good luck.Copy !req
591. Gotta get my Breaking Bad on.Copy !req
592. Tonight you drown.Copy !req
593. Not again.Copy !req
594. Sink. Sink. Sink.Copy !req
595. Ruined a perfectly good
leather jacket!Copy !req
596. That's it.
Now we drown. Drown!Copy !req
597. Drown!Copy !req
598. Prepare to meet Hell.Copy !req
599. Ow! God, that hurt!Copy !req
600. Ow!
Oh!Copy !req
601. My balls.
This isn't over!Copy !req
602. Is Aghoul the same demonCopy !req
603. that possessed Kisha?Copy !req
604. When are the Republicans
gonna slipCopy !req
605. and call Obama the N-word?Copy !req
606. When are they gonna stop makin'
Scary Movies without the Wayans?Copy !req
607. They fuckin' suck!Copy !req
608. What the hell?Copy !req
609. What the heck...Copy !req
610. Steroids, bitch!Copy !req
611. You messed with
the wrong nigga today!Copy !req
612. Oh, my God!Copy !req
613. Baby, put it down!
What are you doing?Copy !req
614. I come in the hallway,
this fuckin' creepy boxCopy !req
615. with some weird
fuckin' lighting on it!Copy !req
616. And I knew that it was death in the box!
Sol killed it!Copy !req
617. Baby, it was a gift!Copy !req
618. But it ain't Christmas.Copy !req
619. Baby, no.
Kwanzaa?Copy !req
620. You were so upset
when Shiloh Junior diedCopy !req
621. that the kids and I thought
we would get you...Copy !req
622. Don't look. Don't look.Copy !req
623. Oh, my God! Wyatt,
go upstairs. Go to your room!Copy !req
624. I killed a baby.Copy !req
625. Oh, God,
I think it's still breathing.Copy !req
626. You're so fucking crazy.Copy !req
627. He's still breathing.Copy !req
628. I gotta take him
out of his misery.Copy !req
629. I gotta kill him!
Oh, my God!Copy !req
630. No! Malcolm!Copy !req
631. Becky?Copy !req
632. Yoo-hoo.Copy !req
633. All right, let's see
what's in this box now.Copy !req
634. Yeah.Copy !req
635. on, God! Whoo!Copy !req
636. Wow! That is rancid.Copy !req
637. What the hell are you doing?
Nothing. Just, uh...Copy !req
638. You know your pillows
have blue faces on 'em?Copy !req
639. Stay away from my box!Copy !req
640. Calm down!
Would you calm down?Copy !req
641. I don't wanna calm down, I want
you to stay away from my box!Copy !req
642. Do you have to say'box'so loud?
What is going on in here?Copy !req
643. Nothing.
We just, uh, playin'.Copy !req
644. Dolls 'n stuff.Copy !req
645. Malcolm came into my room
and touched my box.Copy !req
646. Malcolm, is this true?Copy !req
647. Yes, but I only touched it
for like two seconds.Copy !req
648. It was stinking!
Like, it was rancid!Copy !req
649. Here, smell this. I don't know
how she play with that!Copy !req
650. He had two fingers
in my tight little box, Mom.Copy !req
651. Stop lyin'.
It is...Copy !req
652. Baby, there's nothin'
tight about her box.Copy !req
653. It's fuckin' huge! I could
put my whole fist in it.Copy !req
654. Like, I almost was up to here for a second.
It's crazy big.Copy !req
655. You said, "No means no!" And that is
exactly what I said. I said, "No!"Copy !req
656. I did.
Whoa.Copy !req
657. Time the fuck out. Hold up.Copy !req
658. She's trying to
Dateline Special a nigga!Copy !req
659. Where's Chris Hansen?
Chris! Chris!Copy !req
660. Chris, come on, I know you
out here somewhere!Copy !req
661. I know he's in here somewhere.
You tryin' to set a nigga up!Copy !req
662. Can I talk to you for a second?
Right now.Copy !req
663. There's something
really strangeCopy !req
664. goin' on
in this house.Copy !req
665. Wyatt? Wyatt, see,
Wyatt used to be my boy.Copy !req
666. Like that was my lil' nigga,
like we was like, boom, boom.Copy !req
667. When my dog died,
that lil' nigga held me down!Copy !req
668. But lately, he hasn't even talked to me!
Like, he won't even play with me!Copy !req
669. His little imaginary friend,
Tony?Copy !req
670. I don't think he's really...Copy !req
671. You're crazy, Tony.
imaginary.Copy !req
672. Did you see that shit?Copy !req
673. Look! You missed it!Copy !req
674. Okay, look, forget him. Becky.Copy !req
675. There's something in that old box she
carries around that's making her go crazy!Copy !req
676. She sleeps with it,
she eats with it,Copy !req
677. she even goes
to the bathroom with it!Copy !req
678. Who takes a shit with a box in their hand?
It's fuckin' weird!Copy !req
679. And by "weird" you mean
I'm a terrible mother.Copy !req
680. What? No. Wait. Where did you go?
Hold on. Hold on a minute.Copy !req
681. If you were just
a little bit less judgmental,Copy !req
682. she wouldn't feel like she needs to
carry her pain around in a "box"!Copy !req
683. This is not about me! It is
always about you, Malcolm!Copy !req
684. "You're too fat,
you're a terrible parent,Copy !req
685. "you like black guys 'cause
they have bigger cocks!"Copy !req
686. That sounds like you!
Do you see this?Copy !req
687. That's not fuckin' normal! Okay, she
is just trying to get attention!Copy !req
688. When she was a baby, she would cry and
cry and cry all damn day in her cribCopy !req
689. until finally she realized I
wasn't gonna come and pick her up!Copy !req
690. If you were a parent you'd know it's
called the "cry it out method," Malcolm!Copy !req
691. Just pick the little bitch up!Copy !req
692. She needs to learn to self-soothe.
See what I'm saying?Copy !req
693. That is called parenting.
Wow! Mother of the year.Copy !req
694. Thank you.Copy !req
695. That crazy doll keyed my car!Copy !req
696. Whoo! Bro,
somebody fucked your car up!Copy !req
697. Yeah. You wouldn't know anybody
with an auto body shop, would you?Copy !req
698. Are you serious, bro?Copy !req
699. Why, contrary to popular belief, all
Mexicans don't have body shops, man.Copy !req
700. What, you think
we all have low ridersCopy !req
701. with a bunch
of primer all over itCopy !req
702. with a frickin' Mexican horn?Copy !req
703. You think I have like six kidsCopy !req
704. and all my relatives
livin' there, huh?Copy !req
705. Probably chase Chihuahuas
and make burritos,Copy !req
706. is that what you think?
Dude...Copy !req
707. Look at the neighborhood, man!Copy !req
708. I didn't think any of that!Copy !req
709. I just want my
fuckin' car fixed!Copy !req
710. I'm just
fuckin' with you, bro!Copy !req
711. You're so easy, man.
Oh, shit.Copy !req
712. Man, I got a cousin, his name is
Chucho, he can hook all that shit up.Copy !req
713. Stop fuckin' with
the crazy bitches, man.Copy !req
714. I gotta go, I got the family waiting.
All right? Be good, man!Copy !req
715. Where did she go?Copy !req
716. Take it easy, vato!
Where you goin'?Copy !req
717. Goin' to the swap meet. We're
gonna get some Chihuahuas.Copy !req
718. Wow.
Now that's racist!Copy !req
719. Sol moved into
the house across the streetCopy !req
720. and I just love it.Copy !req
721. The streets are so quiet.
It's perfect for a haunting.Copy !req
722. You know something,
I never got your name.Copy !req
723. Kisha? What in the fuck!Copy !req
724. You two know each other?
Oh. Well, yeah.Copy !req
725. You know the boyfriend that I told you
abandoned me and left me in a ditch to die?Copy !req
726. That's him.Copy !req
727. Awkward!
Yeah!Copy !req
728. I think I'll let you two
have at it.Copy !req
729. And thank you so much, Megan,
for the coffee, really.Copy !req
730. And, Malcolm,
it was great seeing you.Copy !req
731. See you around, Malcolm.Copy !req
732. Um...Copy !req
733. Really?Copy !req
734. How come you never
told me about her?Copy !req
735. Well, it was just a time in my
life I just wanted to forget.Copy !req
736. Okay, well you need to start remembering.
She was fucking beautiful!Copy !req
737. She was aight.
"Aight"?Copy !req
738. I mean, she got nice legs.
Legs.Copy !req
739. Little ass, but...
Ass. How 'bout all this?Copy !req
740. It's fuckable. Okay? But that's the...
It's all this...Copy !req
741. She's crazy! She was crazy,
baby, like she was possessed!Copy !req
742. You mean she was possessive.
No, the bitch was possessed.Copy !req
743. What?
Yes!Copy !req
744. First of all,
she was verbally abusive.Copy !req
745. Hey, baby,
what's for dinner?Copy !req
746. Eat your
mother's pussy you fucking fuck!Copy !req
747. Okay.Copy !req
748. I don't know.
It was like she gave up.Copy !req
749. Eventually I was able to
drag her to couples' therapy.Copy !req
750. Well, Dr. Rousch,
me and my girlfriend,Copy !req
751. we're kinda goin' through
a little rough patch.Copy !req
752. I mean, she won't
communicate with me.Copy !req
753. No matter what I do,
she just sits there.Copy !req
754. Okay, and she'll growl a little bit.
Yes, I can hear that.Copy !req
755. And the smallest things just set her off.
Like crucifixes, or questions.Copy !req
756. Is that right, Kisha?Copy !req
757. You got a prescription
for "crazy bitch"?Copy !req
758. Malcolm, I'm so sorry.Copy !req
759. It sounds horrible.
Well, it wasn't all bad.Copy !req
760. Wait, I'm gonna come. Shut
up, you sound like a bitch!Copy !req
761. on!Copy !req
762. I think you just
knocked out a tooth!Copy !req
763. Whose ass is this, huh?
Whose ass is this?Copy !req
764. The Devil's!Copy !req
765. See, now you just
made it weird.Copy !req
766. Look at me,
God damn it!Copy !req
767. Oh, my God,
that was awesome!Copy !req
768. Baby, you're makin'
my toes do this.Copy !req
769. You're makin'
my toes do this.Copy !req
770. Really, Malcolm?Copy !req
771. You know what they say
about the crazy ones.Copy !req
772. What? Too soon?Copy !req
773. There's something
goin' on with this box.Copy !req
774. I'm gonna get
to the bottom of this.Copy !req
775. What the heck
is this little pervert doing?Copy !req
776. Ah!Copy !req
777. Oh, dude, that is just weird!Copy !req
778. on, really?Copy !req
779. Oh, wow.Copy !req
780. What kind of sweet
tooth fairy is this?Copy !req
781. This nigga need a daddy.
"Dear Diary.Copy !req
782. "I lost my virginity
to Joey today.Copy !req
783. "Actually,
that's not totally true.Copy !req
784. "I mean, I've only
had sex with 17 guysCopy !req
785. "but only in the butt,
so it doesn't count.Copy !req
786. "I mean, I've sucked
a lot of dicks, Diary.Copy !req
787. "I stopped counting after the
blowjob party at Ashley's house.Copy !req
788. "There must've been
30 or 40 guys there."Copy !req
789. She ain't got no bone in her neck.
She got that Plastic Man.Copy !req
790. "PS: Diary, I'll never
stop sucking dicks. Ever!"Copy !req
791. Wow.Copy !req
792. Oh,
would you look there?Copy !req
793. A mood ring.
So, what mood is that?Copy !req
794. It's called,
"You're not my father."Copy !req
795. Oh, yeah, that's bitchy
lil' white teenager.Copy !req
796. See, that'll get you slapped
in most black neighborhoods.Copy !req
797. Are you okay?Copy !req
798. Becky? Hey.Copy !req
799. Ouch!Copy !req
800. Ugh.Copy !req
801. That is some serious meat-mouth
you got goin' on there.Copy !req
802. It's easier going down than it
is coming up. Yeah, it's weird.Copy !req
803. Breath smell like sirloin.Copy !req
804. I hope that hole cold
ain't contagious.Copy !req
805. Malcolm!Copy !req
806. Professor,
it's kinda loud there. Um...Copy !req
807. Did I catch you at a bad time?Copy !req
808. lndica? I'm a sativa man.
I got important shit to do!Copy !req
809. Hold on! I'm at a party.Copy !req
810. I need some of my medicine.Copy !req
811. Professor! How do I
get rid of the demon?Copy !req
812. Professor! Professor!Copy !req
813. Malcolm, that demon's
tryin' to get to youCopy !req
814. through your family
and he's not gonna stop!Copy !req
815. You've got the
paranormal equivalent ofCopy !req
816. a perfect storm, my friend!Copy !req
817. Oh, Shit! The po-po!Copy !req
818. Professor, please!
What's goin' on?Copy !req
819. I got 12 ounces
of crystal methCopy !req
820. jammed up my anus.
I gotta get outta here!Copy !req
821. Police!
Oh, fuck!Copy !req
822. Professor! Professor, please!Copy !req
823. Hands up now!
I can't go back in!Copy !req
824. Professor! How do I
get rid of the demon?Copy !req
825. Oh, fuck.Copy !req
826. You're under arrest!
You on the screen, freeze!Copy !req
827. Hey, knothead!Copy !req
828. Oh, no, not my favorite shirt.
That bitch.Copy !req
829. What the...Copy !req
830. Oh, my God!
Are you fucking kidding me?Copy !req
831. No,no, no!
Not my clothes! No!Copy !req
832. Phew.Copy !req
833. Oh! Shit!Copy !req
834. This crazy wooden bitch!
She's burning my clothes!Copy !req
835. Oh, my God!
It's Fatal Attraction.Copy !req
836. She's gonna boil a rabbit!
She's gonna boil a rabbit!Copy !req
837. Can I get you something to drink?
Sure, man.Copy !req
838. Tequila?
Really, bro?Copy !req
839. What, you bring
the Mexican into your houseCopy !req
840. and, "He must want tequila,
we should give him tequila.Copy !req
841. "I'm glad he parked his burro so now I
can offer him some of his beverage."Copy !req
842. I bet you this shit
has a worm in it, too, huh?Copy !req
843. I should've walked in here with a serape
and a sombrero for you, too, huh?Copy !req
844. That's what you wanted
really, wasn't it?Copy !req
845. You get me all worked up, man!Copy !req
846. Look, I could use a drink now.Copy !req
847. What kind of tequila is it?
Is it silver?Copy !req
848. 'Cause I can't drink that
gold shit. That's for cholos.Copy !req
849. Thank you, man. It's nice, man.
We're becomin' friends, right?Copy !req
850. Uh, now we are.Copy !req
851. I could trust you
with things, right?Copy !req
852. I mean,
I can keep a secret, man.Copy !req
853. I'm good at that shit.
The neighbors next door to meCopy !req
854. don't even know there's
a black guy living here yet.Copy !req
855. So, what do you wanna talk about?
Um...Copy !req
856. Okay, you know the people that
lived in this house before me?Copy !req
857. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
858. Was there anything strange goin' on,
like were they actin' weird or anything?Copy !req
859. You saw something a little...Copy !req
860. Spooky or supernatural?
I seen some shit.Copy !req
861. Come on, man, you don't
believe in that, do you?Copy !req
862. 'Cause if you did, you know,
you'd have been like,Copy !req
863. "Nigger, I'm out!
The deuces."Copy !req
864. You mean to tell me you don't
believe in the paranormal?Copy !req
865. Of course I believe in that shit!
I'm half Mexican, bro!Copy !req
866. I believe in all that shit
people don't believe in.Copy !req
867. Freakin' La Llorona, El Cucuy,
Chupacabra, Bigfoot, Obamacare.Copy !req
868. Interracial dating.
Nuclear war.Copy !req
869. You name it, I'm all for it. Me personally,
I wouldn't stay one night in this house.Copy !req
870. Shit! Look, I'm gonna be
honest with you, bro.Copy !req
871. When I first found out that there was a
black guy movin' in the neighborhood,Copy !req
872. I was like,Copy !req
873. "There goes
the property value.Copy !req
874. "I'm gonna have to keep the kids
inside, there's gonna be gangs,Copy !req
875. "I'm gonna have to cover up graffiti,"
but you turned out to be okay.Copy !req
876. You're really cool! You're very
accommodating. I think I can help you.Copy !req
877. Really?Copy !req
878. I need you to
cut the chicken's neck.Copy !req
879. Oh, hell fuckin' no! You wanna
get rid of the demon or not?Copy !req
880. I know, but can't we just go down to the
store and just like, buy a chicken?Copy !req
881. No, man!
You need a blood sacrifice.Copy !req
882. Right. Come here.
Let's do it.Copy !req
883. Hold on! Hold up, wait a second!
Let me get my shit together.Copy !req
884. You gonna shit in my
baby's cereal, chicken?Copy !req
885. You wanna piss on my momma?
In her face?Copy !req
886. I'll fuck...
Don't you...Copy !req
887. Where did you get this chicken?
Your uncle's farm?Copy !req
888. No! A cock fighting ring.Copy !req
889. That's a dead motherfucker.Copy !req
890. Whassup, chicken?
You scared? Whassup?Copy !req
891. You don't want none of this,
motherfucker!Copy !req
892. on, shit!Copy !req
893. Bite him back, Malcolm!
Bite him back!Copy !req
894. Drown, bitch!
I'm gonna kill you.Copy !req
895. Watch what I do to your fuckin' baby!Copy !req
896. What you doin', man?
What'd you do?Copy !req
897. This polio is loco!Copy !req
898. You got him,
Malcolm! That's right!Copy !req
899. Yeah, you fucked
that chicken.Copy !req
900. Malcolm...Copy !req
901. Yeah!Copy !req
902. You about to go to
that great bucket in the sky!Copy !req
903. Tell the Colonel I said hi!Copy !req
904. Oh, shit!Copy !req
905. That was like an intense-ass
game of Angry Birds, man!Copy !req
906. Fuck, bro, you did it!
I think this house is clean!Copy !req
907. Well, maybe not clean,
but the demon's gone for sure.Copy !req
908. What the hell are we gonna do
with all this chicken, Malcolm?Copy !req
909. Oh, yeah, ask the black guy.Copy !req
910. Mmm-hmm.
Mmm. Hey.Copy !req
911. Cheers.
Right on!Copy !req
912. What in the fuck?Copy !req
913. You! This ends now!Copy !req
914. You hear me, you googly-eyed
wooden bitch! Come on!Copy !req
915. You're making me
bury your fuckin' ass!Copy !req
916. Get in there!Copy !req
917. Die, you stink bitch!Copy !req
918. B-I-T...Copy !req
919. Fuckin' bitch!Copy !req
920. You want some of this?Copy !req
921. All right,
prepare to meet your maker!Copy !req
922. That's right, I'm sending
you back to Taiwan!Copy !req
923. You smell like piss and shit!Copy !req
924. Come on! You make me sick!Copy !req
925. You know what brown
can do for me? Take this!Copy !req
926. You sign!
Get the fuck outta here!Copy !req
927. Oh, see, I tried to do it
the easy way.Copy !req
928. Now you're gonna
make me violent.Copy !req
929. Come on, you... Get the fuck over here!
Shut up!Copy !req
930. How you like that, bitch?
I want you to watch.Copy !req
931. Let's see you write it now!Copy !req
932. Miss me? This is fun.Copy !req
933. Oh, we about to have a barbecue.
Get in there.Copy !req
934. Yeah! Hey, how you doin'?Copy !req
935. You gonna fuckin'
burn today, baby!Copy !req
936. That's what fucking
hell feels like!Copy !req
937. You fuckin'... Fucking die!Copy !req
938. I will watch your life come out of you.
Just die, you little...Copy !req
939. I'll fuckin' out your
goddamn eye out, you bitch!Copy !req
940. Malcolm!Copy !req
941. Malcolm! What did you do to our room?
Say fucking nothing.Copy !req
942. Honey, it's not what it
looks like, okay? Really?Copy !req
943. It's not what it looks like.
Really?Copy !req
944. Listen, listen to me. She's crazy!
It's not me, she's crazy!Copy !req
945. You're crazy.
No, honey! Megan!Copy !req
946. You're crazy.
It's not what it looks like!Copy !req
947. Get away from me.
I'm not done with you,Copy !req
948. you fuckin' home-wrecker!Copy !req
949. God!Copy !req
950. See, nobody will listen to the
black guy till everybody dead!Copy !req
951. I see how you lookin' at me.
Let me tell you something.Copy !req
952. This house...
This house is haunted.Copy !req
953. You know that little doll that
you like so much? Abigail?Copy !req
954. Yeah, well, let me tell you something
about Abigail. She's alive!Copy !req
955. That's right, she's alive!Copy !req
956. Not like "alive" alive, but
alive as in "is possessed."Copy !req
957. You know how I know? 'Cause it made
me have sex with it! Repeatedly!Copy !req
958. Upstairs, downstairs,
in the kitchen, in the yard!Copy !req
959. While you were sleepin'
next to us!Copy !req
960. Right there
where you're sitting, twice!Copy !req
961. And that's why, when you came
upstairs and you caught meCopy !req
962. and I was killing the doll,
because I was just like,Copy !req
963. "You're fuckin' up
my relationship!"Copy !req
964. And that box? It's cursed!Copy !req
965. That box and that box.
That's haunted with a demon.Copy !req
966. That box, cursed with dudes. But
that's a whole other story.Copy !req
967. And your son, his little imaginary
friend that teaches him curse wordsCopy !req
968. and gets him crunk off vodka!Copy !req
969. Yeah, yeah, I'm blowing
your spot, little man.Copy !req
970. Well, he's not so imaginary!
He's cray!Copy !req
971. No,no, no.
You cray! You cray-cray!Copy !req
972. You and your whole lot of other ethnic
words that's going out of style.Copy !req
973. You ain't funky fresh or dope.
So, how about that, cray-cray?Copy !req
974. Mom, he's scaring me.Copy !req
975. Is this the nigga
whose room exploded?Copy !req
976. I'm scaring you!
Opie, you something else!Copy !req
977. You know what, that's it. I've had enough
of this whole haunted house craziness!Copy !req
978. It's bad enough
that you think it's real,Copy !req
979. but now you're
scaring the kids!Copy !req
980. I'm scaring the kids!
Yes!Copy !req
981. Ain't that the pot
callin' the kettle a nigga!Copy !req
982. No,no,no, baby! Your kids are scaring me!
Okay?Copy !req
983. Look at this one! She's
Marilyn Manson in the skinCopy !req
984. and Charlie Manson in the eyes!
Her eyes look crazy, okay?Copy !req
985. That's a crazy woman
carrying around a boxCopy !req
986. like fuckin' Lionel
from the Peanuts,Copy !req
987. and he's hangin' out
with dead niggasCopy !req
988. and I'm crazy? Oh! So, what am I
supposed to do with all this?Copy !req
989. Maybe you weren't ready!
Maybe we moved in too soon.Copy !req
990. Maybe you're not
ready for a family!Copy !req
991. But we come as
a package deal, okay?Copy !req
992. This ain't about you
or them, okay? You...Copy !req
993. Oh, shit. No! Hey!
Don't touch that shit!Copy !req
994. Don't touch it!
That's a demon ring.Copy !req
995. Don't you answer that,
you hear?Copy !req
996. That's the devil
callin' right there.Copy !req
997. That is an evil ring!
You hear that?Copy !req
998. Yeah, I said it,
a demon ring!Copy !req
999. And you can insta-tweet
that on your gram-o-vine!Copy !req
1000. Nobody touch it!Copy !req
1001. Stop ringing!Copy !req
1002. Stop ringing! Stop!Copy !req
1003. Oh, that's a demon callin'.Copy !req
1004. Uh, Malcolm?
Your pocket.Copy !req
1005. Huh. Oh.Copy !req
1006. We gotta change my ringer.Copy !req
1007. Why do we even have home phones anymore?
I mean...Copy !req
1008. Yeah? Who is it?Copy !req
1009. What the hell? Hey, how you
doin', officer? Come on in.Copy !req
1010. We got a call about
a domestic dispute.Copy !req
1011. Are you Malcolm Johnson?Copy !req
1012. Uh, yeah, that's me,
but there's no dispute.Copy !req
1013. I mean, I threw the phone,
but...Copy !req
1014. You're under arrest.
Hey! For what?Copy !req
1015. Oh, my God! Just raised
my voice a little bit!Copy !req
1016. Malcolm, our phone is broken.
I know what...Copy !req
1017. It's the doll! It's the doll! It
was the doll, brother, listen!Copy !req
1018. This is all
a misunderstanding.Copy !req
1019. It was this doll. I was
fuckin' this doll, right?Copy !req
1020. He's on PCP. Let's take him.
No, I'm not on PCP!Copy !req
1021. You fuckin' bitch!Copy !req
1022. You fuckin' bitch!Copy !req
1023. You fuckin' bitch!Copy !req
1024. Malcolm, maybe
this is for the best.Copy !req
1025. Can't escape my wrath,
for I am death.Copy !req
1026. Now you burn. Fire.Copy !req
1027. Help!Copy !req
1028. What is...Copy !req
1029. Malcolm?Copy !req
1030. Malcolm?
Mmm...Copy !req
1031. Damn, son,
you look fucked up!Copy !req
1032. Don't look at me.
Don't look at me!Copy !req
1033. Mom, your man's in here pukin'
like a little bitch!Copy !req
1034. See that shit, Tony?Copy !req
1035. Sometimes the victim may be
tormented by more than one demon.Copy !req
1036. These cases lead
to transference.Copy !req
1037. Trans-who?
What the fuck is that, dog?Copy !req
1038. Father Williams!
Mind your tongue.Copy !req
1039. You are a man of the cloth!Copy !req
1040. Damn, man, ain't like I'm
rapin' motherfuckers no more,Copy !req
1041. you know what I'm sayin'?Copy !req
1042. Shit. Keep on wit' your
little lesson, brother.Copy !req
1043. Victims have also
been known to breakCopy !req
1044. their own bones
during the possession.Copy !req
1045. True.
That happened to me.Copy !req
1046. I was first in prison, I was
tryin' to give myself head, right?Copy !req
1047. 'Cause I ain't know nobody.Copy !req
1048. If I woulda knew somebody, I wouldn't
have had to do it to myself.Copy !req
1049. And it wasn't no gay shit.
First get that out your head.Copy !req
1050. That's enough! I've had
enough of your insolenoe!Copy !req
1051. My what?
My insolence?Copy !req
1052. Dog, you going to bring up
my condition right now?Copy !req
1053. You gonna bring up
my diabetes, dog?Copy !req
1054. Talkin' about my insolence.Copy !req
1055. 'Cause I like cake?
Yeah, I like cake, guys.Copy !req
1056. I like cake, birthday cake,
all kinds of cake.Copy !req
1057. I'm talking about,
cake,cake, cake!Copy !req
1058. Man, you know what?Copy !req
1059. I'm sick of your shit!Copy !req
1060. Get outta here! Everybody break out.
Take your boy with you.Copy !req
1061. Yeah. I mean really, man.Copy !req
1062. Ooh.Copy !req
1063. Malcolm?Copy !req
1064. Hey, Father Williams!Copy !req
1065. Fuck, nigga, what'd I tell you
about callin' me that?Copy !req
1066. I'm sorry. Hey, Doug!Copy !req
1067. Roll down, man!Copy !req
1068. I'm sorry you caught that, man.
I'm so stressed out, man.Copy !req
1069. I had to shank a muthafucka.
You saw that, right?Copy !req
1070. I didn't see nothin'.Copy !req
1071. That's a good answer.
That's a good answer.Copy !req
1072. If you saw it...
'Cause I was gonna sayCopy !req
1073. if you woulda said yes,
I woulda...Copy !req
1074. Oh, shit!Copy !req
1075. That's all right, I don't have nothin'.
That's the only one I had.Copy !req
1076. I used to have two shanks, but
I don't keep that anymore.Copy !req
1077. I stopped doin' two shanksCopy !req
1078. 'cause it just
was a thang, andCopy !req
1079. everybody was like,
"Two shanks."Copy !req
1080. Yeah, so, how you doin'?Copy !req
1081. I, uh... I need your help.Copy !req
1082. It's happenin', Doug.Copy !req
1083. Hell no!Copy !req
1084. You know I'm not
comin' over thereCopy !req
1085. and fuckin' with you and your
creepy lil' bitch again!Copy !req
1086. I ain't even with
that bitch no more!Copy !req
1087. I'm beggin' you, man,
I just need your help.Copy !req
1088. I just don't know
who else to go to.Copy !req
1089. Let me just explain to you
why I became a priest.Copy !req
1090. Now, obvious one is
for the little boys. Yes.Copy !req
1091. What're you talkin' about?Copy !req
1092. It's a joke, Malcolm!Copy !req
1093. Oh, God, no, it was a joke.
I did that, you know,Copy !req
1094. for the other priests
and we laugh, that's all.Copy !req
1095. But I don't know if I can help
you with your demon situationCopy !req
1096. because I haven't
been stayin' steadyCopy !req
1097. on my demon fightin' skills, is
what I'm tryin' to tell you.Copy !req
1098. So Malcolm, day after day,Copy !req
1099. when you know you can't win, you're
just prolonging the inevitable!Copy !req
1100. All you gotta do
is let them in.Copy !req
1101. Are you talkin'
about the Devil?Copy !req
1102. Worse. The Kardashians.Copy !req
1103. Yeah.Copy !req
1104. Yeah, did you see 'em?
It's the crazy mama,Copy !req
1105. it's Kim, Khloe, Kourtney,
crazy, the two little ones...Copy !req
1106. They gonna be freaks. They
got Lamar, they got Scott...Copy !req
1107. Rob, fat as a motherfucker,Copy !req
1108. Bruce with the acne.
Oh, Bruce...Copy !req
1109. What the fuck is wrong
with Bruce Jenner face?Copy !req
1110. He look like a monster!Copy !req
1111. He scares me at night!
And he on in daytime.Copy !req
1112. He don't look like the nigga
that was on the Wheaties box!Copy !req
1113. And Kanye! And Kanye!
And Julianne Hough!Copy !req
1114. I love it and I hate it. They
took Kanye and they changed him.Copy !req
1115. Doug, you know... Doug...Copy !req
1116. You have to let
go of me, Doug.Copy !req
1117. You can't...Copy !req
1118. Doug, you gotta let go of me!Copy !req
1119. There's no place you can hide.
He has a plan for you.Copy !req
1120. Doug, get off of me.
He will get you!Copy !req
1121. Doug, get your hands off me!Copy !req
1122. What the fuck is
wrong with you?Copy !req
1123. Ow!Copy !req
1124. Oh, you're the one that got
us out here in the hot heat!Copy !req
1125. Making me bang all on the windows
with my good church hat!Copy !req
1126. Hon, I could be at home
watchin' that new Madea movie!Copy !req
1127. What's the name
of that Madea movieCopy !req
1128. with the little girl
from The Fresh Prince?Copy !req
1129. You know the one, she played the
head of NASA! With the aliens!Copy !req
1130. Madea Goes To Mars!Copy !req
1131. Boom!
Madea Goes To Mars, that's it!Copy !req
1132. Hold up,
ain't you that brotherCopy !req
1133. that just moved
into old Burton place?Copy !req
1134. Yeah, it's just...
With a white woman!Copy !req
1135. Well, she's not
all the way white.Copy !req
1136. She's a white woman,
damn near clear!Copy !req
1137. Come on now, it's 2013. Interracial
relationships is not a big deal.Copy !req
1138. What? You need to
tell that to the lonely sista.Copy !req
1139. Look at this one right here.
Right here!Copy !req
1140. Honey, show him how you
drop it like it's hot!Copy !req
1141. Whoo! Hold up, Bertha, hold up. Hold up.
We ain't got no defibrillator.Copy !req
1142. Oh, you know what it is
with the white girl?Copy !req
1143. They do that cungaligus,
the finga-ligga-linga.Copy !req
1144. What is it, the fellatio?
Uh...Copy !req
1145. That's what it is,
they go deep.Copy !req
1146. You know they
ain't got no insides.Copy !req
1147. I think that's my cue to go.Copy !req
1148. Excuse me, sistas.
Have a good sermon.Copy !req
1149. Where you goin'?Copy !req
1150. Love is love.
You're so bitter.Copy !req
1151. See?
You angry.Copy !req
1152. Brothers be trippin'. That's why
I got me a white man at home.Copy !req
1153. Yeah, girl.
Vanilla my flavor.Copy !req
1154. Hello, Malcolm.Copy !req
1155. Oh, Professor Wilde,
thank God.Copy !req
1156. I've been tryin' to reach you!Copy !req
1157. I'm sorry, Malcolm,
I've been a bit tied up.Copy !req
1158. I haven't been able to find
any more on Aghoul,Copy !req
1159. though my resources
are a bit limited.Copy !req
1160. Uh, Professor?
Where the hell are you?Copy !req
1161. Ooh, doin' a stretch
of five to 10.Copy !req
1162. Apparently, the authorities
frown on sellin' methCopy !req
1163. to college students.Copy !req
1164. Yeah, apparently.Copy !req
1165. You need to hang upCopy !req
1166. that computer call,Copy !req
1167. come over here and kiss me
on my hot mouth.Copy !req
1168. I'm feelin' romantical.Copy !req
1169. Well, Malcolm,
I suppose I should get going.Copy !req
1170. But I will be
e-mailing you the contactsCopy !req
1171. of associates
who'll be able to help.Copy !req
1172. I don't mean to be pushy,
but any wayCopy !req
1173. you could do that
before you get raped?Copy !req
1174. What part of mandingo partyCopy !req
1175. do you not understand?Copy !req
1176. It's time to power
the white rabbit.Copy !req
1177. You know. Dirty the snow.Copy !req
1178. Oh, I'm screwed.Copy !req
1179. Don't!
That's not that bad.Copy !req
1180. Lights, please. Thank you.Copy !req
1181. So after several exhausting
days of the exorcism,Copy !req
1182. I threw some holy water on
her, read an incantationCopy !req
1183. and the demon left
the woman's body.Copy !req
1184. I suppose I just
sat back and watched.Copy !req
1185. I mean, I'm just the medium
who puts her life in dangerCopy !req
1186. every time she reaches out
to demonic forces.Copy !req
1187. But you've got a Bible
and a bottle of holy water,Copy !req
1188. so you make
the world a safer place!Copy !req
1189. The fact is, people,
is that God is real,Copy !req
1190. the Devil is real,
and monsters exist.Copy !req
1191. Well... They're vicious,
terrifying entities!Copy !req
1192. But the good news is,
Santa Claus doesn't existCopy !req
1193. so you don't have to worry
about some creepy old guyCopy !req
1194. coming down your chimney.Copy !req
1195. Okay...
Got your nose!Copy !req
1196. So, what exactly are you guys?
And who the fuck hired you?Copy !req
1197. You can call us
Ned and Noreen.Copy !req
1198. See? This is why you don't
hire from Craigslist.Copy !req
1199. Asshole!Copy !req
1200. I don't understand why you
always have to take the credit!Copy !req
1201. I mean, even your name comes
first on our book cover,Copy !req
1202. and I am the one with a gift!
It's not my faultCopy !req
1203. that Ned comes before
Noreen in alphabetical order!Copy !req
1204. Is that why Ned comes before
Noreen in the bedroom?Copy !req
1205. Just once I'd like
you to do that thingCopy !req
1206. with your thumb
and your forefinger.Copy !req
1207. I think they
call it the shocker?Copy !req
1208. Yeah, well, I would like you to do
that thing with my balls and the...Copy !req
1209. Hi! Hi! can w e help VOu?Copy !req
1210. Yes. Um, there's something
horrible happening in my house.Copy !req
1211. My family doesn't realize
what's going on, but I do!Copy !req
1212. I'm sure that there's
a rational explanation...Copy !req
1213. Please! They're white!Copy !req
1214. Oh, my God!
Why didn't you say that?Copy !req
1215. Yeah,
you should lead with that!Copy !req
1216. I mean, if you're black we just
assume that your hauntings areCopy !req
1217. bill collectors or
racist police officers.Copy !req
1218. But 99% of all hauntingsCopy !req
1219. happen to white people,
that's a fact.Copy !req
1220. What he means to say is,
of course we'll help you.Copy !req
1221. Thank you so much.Copy !req
1222. So we're here to
help you people.Copy !req
1223. And before you get worked up, I
mean "you people" as a couple.Copy !req
1224. It wasn't racist
till you explained it.Copy !req
1225. Yeah.Copy !req
1226. The bad news is you have
a demon in your house.Copy !req
1227. Here we go again.Copy !req
1228. Okay, wait. So the house
really is haunted?Copy !req
1229. Megan, it's not
the house that's haunted.Copy !req
1230. A-ha! I knew it! I knew it! It's
always the little white girl.Copy !req
1231. Think about it. The Exorcist,
The Last Exorcism,Copy !req
1232. The Exorcism of Emily Rose.
All white girls.Copy !req
1233. 'Cause there ain't no black
parents gonna haveCopy !req
1234. no little white girl
talkin' like that.Copy !req
1235. "Bitch, who are you?
Who're you cursin' at?Copy !req
1236. "And turn
the fuckin' air down in here!"Copy !req
1237. Malcolm, Malcolm, just
listen for a second. Yes.Copy !req
1238. When we first met you, there
was something attached to you.Copy !req
1239. Oh, that was a hemorrhoid.
That was... It's good now.Copy !req
1240. This dark entity has
attached itself to himCopy !req
1241. and now it's
feeding off of all of you.Copy !req
1242. So what you're saying is that
this is all Malcolm's fault.Copy !req
1243. That's right. Your family
could've left here atCopy !req
1244. any time,
but now you're stuck.Copy !req
1245. Like a piece of
toilet paperCopy !req
1246. stuck on your shoe
when you leave the bathroom.Copy !req
1247. And your wife knew the whole
time, but she didn't tell youCopy !req
1248. because she wanted you to walk
around and look like an idiot.Copy !req
1249. Oh, get over it! I'm not
the one who had an affairCopy !req
1250. with some low-rent
palm reader from Akron!Copy !req
1251. And you never would've known
if you weren't a psychic!Copy !req
1252. But I am psychic, Ned!Copy !req
1253. Oh!
Ow.Copy !req
1254. Shit!
What is that for?Copy !req
1255. What you'll be thinking about
doing to Megan in two seconds.Copy !req
1256. "Thinking about doing to
Megan?" One, two, see?Copy !req
1257. Uh, guys,
we came on short notice.Copy !req
1258. We may need
an extra pair of hands.Copy !req
1259. Anyone you trust to help?Copy !req
1260. I know a guy. He's Mexican.Copy !req
1261. Megan,
let's go to your contacts.Copy !req
1262. Hey, nice camera.
Right?Copy !req
1263. I take it your third cousin
owns electronics shops.Copy !req
1264. Eh, somethin' like that. He sells
them out of the back of his truck.Copy !req
1265. It's a mobile operation.
Let me know if you want one.Copy !req
1266. Hey, Ned, something weird.Copy !req
1267. All these clocks stop at 3:27
when the hauntings happen.Copy !req
1268. Normally, it's 3:07.
Nope, we're on CP time.Copy !req
1269. The demon will manifest itself
in many ways.Copy !req
1270. To your son,
it's his imaginary friend.Copy !req
1271. To your daughter
it's the voice inside the box.Copy !req
1272. For Malcolm it's that
sexy little doll Abigail.Copy !req
1273. See? It's a manifestation! You think
I'd bang a doll for no reason?Copy !req
1274. Malcolm! Shut up.
What we're about to doCopy !req
1275. is the first step in banishing
the demon to the netherworld.Copy !req
1276. Oh, what is that?Copy !req
1277. This helps me communicate
with the demon.Copy !req
1278. Organic,
hydroponically grown OG Kush.Copy !req
1279. Very strong.Copy !req
1280. This is some good shit.Copy !req
1281. Well, pass the mask, shit.Copy !req
1282. We grow it ourselves.Copy !req
1283. High water bill.Copy !req
1284. That's that shit right there!Copy !req
1285. Let me get another hit.
I'm goin' to the Further.Copy !req
1286. Tony, where are you?Copy !req
1287. Smells like that OG Kush.Copy !req
1288. Mom!Copy !req
1289. What...
Becky!Copy !req
1290. Cool!
Wyatt, get upstairs!Copy !req
1291. Wyatt, come on!
Fuck you, you bitch!Copy !req
1292. Why are you tying
my baby to a chair?Copy !req
1293. Because the bitch
got a demon in her!Copy !req
1294. Make it stop!Copy !req
1295. This is some scary
Cucuy shit right here, man.Copy !req
1296. I don't know who Cucuy is.Copy !req
1297. A Cucuy is a
ghetto Mexican bogeyman.Copy !req
1298. Oh, like George Lopez.Copy !req
1299. I know, huh?Copy !req
1300. I agree,
it is scary as fuck.Copy !req
1301. This spirit is
more powerful than I thought.Copy !req
1302. We're gonna need to get a priest
and perform a real exorcism.Copy !req
1303. I know a guy!
He's a little unconventional.Copy !req
1304. I don't know, Malcolm.Copy !req
1305. I know, that bitch
don't look right.Copy !req
1306. No, why you gotta
call her a bitch?Copy !req
1307. You disrespecting
the little ho.Copy !req
1308. Nigga,
did you just sell me out?Copy !req
1309. There's certain words
that trigger white folk.Copy !req
1310. I mean, bitch, ho, slut.
No offense.Copy !req
1311. You can't say those words.
That's like our...Copy !req
1312. Hey!Copy !req
1313. What the hell are
you talking about?Copy !req
1314. Are you out your damn mind?Copy !req
1315. We would never say that.Copy !req
1316. Oh, we would
behind closed doors.Copy !req
1317. I mean, I wouldn't say it
in a bus or a waffle house.Copy !req
1318. At the Atlanta AirportCopy !req
1319. or in the parking lot of a KFC,
but, yeah, I would say it.Copy !req
1320. Hey, I ain't your boy...
I got your back.Copy !req
1321. This is a lovely
scarf you're wearing.Copy !req
1322. It's a sash,
you know what I'm sayin'?Copy !req
1323. I'm selling these. This a
part of my new clothing line,Copy !req
1324. "Jesus Pieces,"
and I got, like,Copy !req
1325. the shoe that
the Pope be wearin'.Copy !req
1326. In leather, suede, in green,
brown, and the Pope hats!Copy !req
1327. I can't keep that shit, you
know niggers love big hats.Copy !req
1328. Okay, you know what, that's enough.
Thank you so much.Copy !req
1329. That's right. Can we help
my daughter, please?Copy !req
1330. Hell, she went
really white girl on me.Copy !req
1331. "Oh, my God!"
I was like, "Whoa."Copy !req
1332. Speaking of white...
Are you doin' cocaine again?Copy !req
1333. Cocaine?
No, man, this stuff's molly!Copy !req
1334. Oh!
Can I try?Copy !req
1335. It's all good.
Oh, wow.Copy !req
1336. I'm gonna take
a little pinch for later.Copy !req
1337. He's just bringing drugs?Copy !req
1338. It's molly.
Wrap it up!Copy !req
1339. Yeah, I'm sorry. I told you
he was unconventional.Copy !req
1340. All right.Copy !req
1341. Hey, chill. Calm down, man.Copy !req
1342. Doug! Doug! Doug! Whoa.Copy !req
1343. Y'all some crazy
ass motherfuckers.Copy !req
1344. Y'all thought I was
gonna shoot this bitch?Copy !req
1345. I'm just gonna pistol-whip her
until she weakens.Copy !req
1346. You're not pistol-whipping
my daughter!Copy !req
1347. I am not pistol-whipping
my daughter.Copy !req
1348. He know's what he's doing.
The man is a genius.Copy !req
1349. In the name of the Father and
the Holy Ghost...Copy !req
1350. I need three
other white people.Copy !req
1351. Peyton Manning!Copy !req
1352. Peyton Manning,
Kristen Stewart.Copy !req
1353. Paula Deen!Copy !req
1354. Where's Doug? I can't find
his black ass in this dark!Copy !req
1355. Where the hell is he?Copy !req
1356. Look for eyes!Copy !req
1357. Like a forest creature in a cartoon.
Father Doug!Copy !req
1358. He's over here! He's over here!Copy !req
1359. Doug! Nigga, please, don't.Copy !req
1360. Father, please don't!Copy !req
1361. No, wait! It's better if he points
the gun at himself and not at us.Copy !req
1362. Just talk to him, Malcolm.Copy !req
1363. Listen to my voice, okay, Doug?
Listen to my voice.Copy !req
1364. This is not what niggas do!
We don't do suicide!Copy !req
1365. Murder, yes! Suicide?
That's what they do.Copy !req
1366. Yeah, we do that.
I've tried at least 20 times.Copy !req
1367. Motherfucker got me acting
all crazy, actin' the fool!Copy !req
1368. You know damn well I wouldn't
peel my own cap!Copy !req
1369. I can't stop it! I can't
stop it! Man, it keeps...Copy !req
1370. There's somethin' in my head that's
tellin' me to blow off my head.Copy !req
1371. Is it in here? Is it in there?Copy !req
1372. No, no, no! Yeah, up there!Copy !req
1373. Demon break.
Who wants a memo'?Copy !req
1374. Oh, the black guy's
still got a gun.Copy !req
1375. Oh, God! This demon is
a son of a bitch, man!Copy !req
1376. Father,
why have you abandoned me?Copy !req
1377. Is it because I cuss a lot,
even during prayer?Copy !req
1378. "Amen, motherfucker,"
sounds dope.Copy !req
1379. Is it because...Copy !req
1380. I don't get Ryan Seacrest.
I don't get him.Copy !req
1381. I know what it is, 'cause I
dressed up as a foreclosure signCopy !req
1382. when people was getting
kicked out of their house.Copy !req
1383. On Halloween I just
stood in the yard.Copy !req
1384. I knew it was wrong,
but it was funny to me.Copy !req
1385. Out of all of
the people on the Brady Bunch,Copy !req
1386. it was Alice that
I wanted to fuck.Copy !req
1387. In the station wagon, on top
of Mr. Brady's architect desk.Copy !req
1388. Just used it for
protractors and rulers.Copy !req
1389. Is it because I
actually kinda thoughtCopy !req
1390. that it was okay that
Chris Brown hit Rihanna?Copy !req
1391. I know that bitch hit him first, man!
She talk too much shit!Copy !req
1392. She an Island Girl.
"What you doin', Chris?Copy !req
1393. "Where you goin'? Who's this
bitch talkin' "about Chris?"Copy !req
1394. Shut the fuck up, bitch!Copy !req
1395. Somebody help me.Copy !req
1396. Doug! Fight it, Doug!Copy !req
1397. No! Nigga, that's a bigass gun!
That's gonna hurt, nigga.Copy !req
1398. Malcolm,
he has a message for you.Copy !req
1399. He says...Copy !req
1400. "Hi, bitch."Copy !req
1401. Oh, my God!
No!Copy !req
1402. We're gonna need another priest!
It's too late.Copy !req
1403. I have to
perform the exorcism.Copy !req
1404. It's true.Copy !req
1405. Although Ned's only
formal training was atCopy !req
1406. Ghostbusters summer
camp back in 1988.Copy !req
1407. Never cross the streams.
Never cross them.Copy !req
1408. And he is dumb!Copy !req
1409. I mean, dumb, dumb, dumb!Copy !req
1410. The point is,
you can do this!Copy !req
1411. Do you remember what you said
to me on our wedding night?Copy !req
1412. "I have whiskey dick and I'll make
it up to you in the morning."Copy !req
1413. No! You said God brought
us together for a reason.Copy !req
1414. That doesn't sound like me.
Must've been really drunk.Copy !req
1415. Just fucking do it, dummy!
Okay.Copy !req
1416. Becky!
Did it work?Copy !req
1417. Please help me.
I'm sorry for everything!Copy !req
1418. I think you did it!Copy !req
1419. Full inversion.
We got a full inversion.Copy !req
1420. Oh, fuck!Copy !req
1421. Oh, my God!Copy !req
1422. Time to die!Copy !req
1423. It was him! It was him!Copy !req
1424. No, don't do me like that!Copy !req
1425. It actually was him.Copy !req
1426. Better him than me.Copy !req
1427. That looked like
it hurt, shit.Copy !req
1428. Whoo! Now, that's what
you call a blowjob.Copy !req
1429. A leaf blower?Copy !req
1430. Don't judge me.
Malcolm!Copy !req
1431. Demon, you leave
our daughter alone!Copy !req
1432. That's not your
daughter anymore!Copy !req
1433. I didn't mean like
a daughter-daughter...Copy !req
1434. I was just saying that... Seriously?
Malcolm, help her!Copy !req
1435. Okay. God damn it!Copy !req
1436. Go get 'em, buddy.Copy !req
1437. Wyatt, are you okay?Copy !req
1438. Yeah, but Becky?Copy !req
1439. She looks pretty fucked up.Copy !req
1440. Demon, I'll make you a deal.Copy !req
1441. How about you leave, and we'll
pretend none of this ever happened?Copy !req
1442. The bitch is mine!Copy !req
1443. You heard the man,
the bitch is his. I tried.Copy !req
1444. Seriously?Copy !req
1445. She said the bitch is his.
That's pretty emphatic.Copy !req
1446. Malcolm, please help me.
I'm so sorry.Copy !req
1447. Becky will rot in hell!Copy !req
1448. Okay, which one is it? Go rot in
hell or you want me to help you?Copy !req
1449. Malcolm, help her!Copy !req
1450. The bitch is confusing me!Copy !req
1451. Okay. Demon, you leave her alone!
You take me instead!Copy !req
1452. Deal.Copy !req
1453. Wait, no, no, no.
Here, take him instead!Copy !req
1454. I haven't heard
a demon scream for a while.Copy !req
1455. I think it's safe
to go back up there.Copy !req
1456. I still have a bad feeling.Copy !req
1457. For God's sake,
come on, guys!Copy !req
1458. Come on!
All right.Copy !req
1459. Oh, my God! Wyatt,
get upstairs right now!Copy !req
1460. They're cuddling!
The demon's gone!Copy !req
1461. I did it! This house is clean!Copy !req
1462. Look at his eyes! They're rolling
to the back of his head!Copy !req
1463. I think he's possessed.Copy !req
1464. That's the face that he makes
when he has an orgasm.Copy !req
1465. I think he's okay, you guys.Copy !req
1466. This is not over.Copy !req
1467. Are you guys
watching this?Copy !req
1468. Yes, we're watching it, dummy!Copy !req
1469. I'm so intrigued by this.Copy !req
1470. Oh, man! He's all twisted
up like a chocolate pretzel!Copy !req
1471. Such flexibility
and the dexterity!Copy !req
1472. Oh, my God. This is
making me queasy!Copy !req
1473. It's like he could
suck his own dick.Copy !req
1474. I don't wanna suck my...
Please help me!Copy !req
1475. If I could do that, I don't think
I'd ever talk to you again.Copy !req
1476. Stop it, you unholy demon!Copy !req
1477. Oh! Oh! That is greasy shit!
Probably Murray's.Copy !req
1478. The power of Christ compels you!Copy !req
1479. It burn
like bum piss!Copy !req
1480. That means it's working!Copy !req
1481. Pour the whole thing, like
I just won the Super Bowl!Copy !req
1482. Go!
Oh, my God.Copy !req
1483. Are you crazy?Copy !req
1484. Is that all you got, bitch?Copy !req
1485. Oh!Copy !req
1486. Wait, guys!
Stop! Everybody, stop!Copy !req
1487. Malcolm, are you okay?Copy !req
1488. No, I think I'm gonna be sick.Copy !req
1489. What?
Hold up.Copy !req
1490. Oh, God. Oh, God.Copy !req
1491. Oh, my God, I can't...Copy !req
1492. Oh.Copy !req
1493. Puking like a runway model.Copy !req
1494. I'm good. I'm good.
Are you done?Copy !req
1495. You're gonna want to
Febreze all of this.Copy !req
1496. You're gonna
wanna just clean this.Copy !req
1497. I feel so much better now.Copy !req
1498. Whoo!Copy !req
1499. Oh!Copy !req
1500. Can't be too sure. Oh, shit.Copy !req
1501. I gotta get the
hell outta here.Copy !req
1502. Once they see a black
guy in a pool of blood,Copy !req
1503. you know who they're
gonna come after next.Copy !req
1504. I gotta go. Hey, watch out!Copy !req
1505. Now this place is clean.Copy !req
1506. It sounded
better when I said it.Copy !req
1507. Get the box.Copy !req
1508. Thank you guys so much.Copy !req
1509. No need to thank us.
We're happy to help.Copy !req
1510. Come on, Ned.Copy !req
1511. And we'll just take Abigail with
us as well, for safekeeping.Copy !req
1512. Yeah, I know what you plan
on doing with that doll.Copy !req
1513. What? No, I'm a professional.
She's a freak bitch.Copy !req
1514. Stop it.
Trust me.Copy !req
1515. Hey. How come Noreen ain't
pickin' up on the vibes?Copy !req
1516. You know how when you're
trying to last longer,Copy !req
1517. you think about baseball?
Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
1518. It's kind of like that.
Throws a haze in their head.Copy !req
1519. It's the only way to survive when
you're married to a psychic.Copy !req
1520. Come on, Ned. I know you're
thinking about fucking that doll.Copy !req
1521. Hey, hey, hey-Copy !req
1522. You've had enough.
Bye, doll.Copy !req
1523. It's so nice being able to
just relax on the couchCopy !req
1524. and watch The Bachelorette.
Yeah.Copy !req
1525. Huh?Copy !req
1526. You didn't hear that?Copy !req
1527. What?Copy !req
1528. My nigga senses is tinglin'.
It's like my Spidey senses.Copy !req
1529. Oh, would you hush?
It is fine!Copy !req
1530. My white senses say we're fine.Copy !req
1531. Everything's okay.
It's over.Copy !req
1532. Okay? It's over.Copy !req
1533. Okay, okay. I'm trippin'.
That's right.Copy !req
1534. dead White bitch!Copy !req
1535. You already know how it's going
down, motherfuckers, all right?Copy !req
1536. Hooked on my
Dora the Explorer app,Copy !req
1537. this the motherfuckin'
correct address.Copy !req
1538. This ain't a drive-by, homie, okay?
This a walk-in, homie.Copy !req
1539. So ain't no escape plan!
My cousin is in here, cuz!Copy !req
1540. Y'all ready?Copy !req
1541. Hey, yo, Malcolm! Whassup, my niggie?
I'm here, cuz!Copy !req
1542. Oh, shit!Copy !req
1543. What the fuck are you
doin', man? I gotta run for it!Copy !req
1544. This is bullshit! Oh, my God!
I'm scared as fuck!Copy !req
1545. I'm good, dog. Let me get my
motherfuckin' bearings together, homie.Copy !req
1546. All right,
let's go up in there, cuz.Copy !req
1547. It smell like
dead ass,Copy !req
1548. baloney and sweat socks
up in there, homie.Copy !req
1549. It smell like Honey Boo
Boo's boo-boo, homie!Copy !req
1550. Malcolm?Copy !req
1551. Where you at, cuz?Copy !req
1552. Ain't nobody in here, cuz.Copy !req
1553. Oh, shit!
Megan got fucked up!Copy !req
1554. Head twisted all
backwards, niggie.Copy !req
1555. Now, upon further
examination, my niggie,Copy !req
1556. this white bitch smell like she
been dead about a week, maybe two.Copy !req
1557. I watch Dexter, niggie, CSI: New
York, Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta.Copy !req
1558. Don't nobody get killed on there,
but they need to, my nigga.Copy !req
1559. Stevie J.,
you know what I'm sayin'?Copy !req
1560. This bitch smell
like poverty, cuz!Copy !req
1561. Yah! Taekwondo! Oh, shit!Copy !req
1562. They done killed the little
mini white bitch, too, cuz!Copy !req
1563. Fuck happened down here, cuz?Copy !req
1564. Hello?Copy !req
1565. Hello?Copy !req
1566. Oh, shit! There's another
dead body, cuz.Copy !req
1567. Who the fuck is it, though, huh?
Who the fuck is it?Copy !req
1568. Oh, God, it's Malcolm!Copy !req
1569. They done
kill my cuz, cuz!Copy !req
1570. It's like Boyz n the Hood, he's
supposed to go to college!Copy !req
1571. Why the fuck they let
Doughboy live and Ricky dead?Copy !req
1572. Doughboy was
the evil nigga, cuz!Copy !req
1573. Oh!Copy !req
1574. I can't believe this!Copy !req
1575. See if the nigga got
some money, though.Copy !req
1576. What you hit me for, brah?Copy !req
1577. You know better than to be
poppin' up on me like that, cuz!Copy !req
1578. You get knocked out every
motherfuckin' time, homie.Copy !req
1579. World star! World star!Copy !req
1580. You hit me with a brick!Copy !req
1581. Where's my family?
Are they okay?Copy !req
1582. Nigga, they dead as fuck!Copy !req
1583. All of them?
Even the little boy?Copy !req
1584. He's on the back of a motherfuckin'
milk carton, niggie!Copy !req
1585. Good. He may have lived.Copy !req
1586. Where's Kisha?Copy !req
1587. Nigga, I don't know where
the fuck Kisha is at, cuz!Copy !req
1588. Shh! Shh!
She did this shit!Copy !req
1589. Kisha did this shit?Copy !req
1590. The white girl's neck,
snapped it back.Copy !req
1591. Kisha did that shit?Copy !req
1592. Nigga, that bitch
is gangsta, cuz!Copy !req
1593. I need to jump
her in my shit, cuz!Copy !req
1594. Shh! I came down to the basement
on some creep shit, like...Copy !req
1595. I was just sittin' here waitin' for
this bitch, like, "Nigga, what?"Copy !req
1596. "Bitch, you want
some of this?"Copy !req
1597. So I'm gonna sit
here incog-negroCopy !req
1598. up under this blanket like,
nigga, like what.Copy !req
1599. Let my sneakers be all, so she
be like, "That nigga dead."Copy !req
1600. The throat, like, "Bitch,
you want some of this?"Copy !req
1601. You can't kill me! I'm like a roach!
I don't die, I multiply!Copy !req
1602. I got God on my side, bitch!Copy !req
1603. (S I N G I N G)
Twinkle, twinkle little starCopy !req
1604. She's right
behind me, isn't she?Copy !req
1605. Howl wonder...Copy !req