A Different Man (2024)

1. Oh!

2. Hey. Hey, man, you all right?

3. You need to lie down or something?

4. No, this happens from time to time. It'll pass.

5. Thanks for asking, though.

6. All right, well just let me know.

7. I'll be at my desk.

8. Uh, Mr. Lemuel...

9. That was maybe on the slightly intense side.

10. Yeah, we...

11. I think we want less of an aneurysm-type attack

12. and more like, uh...

13. Woozy. You know?

14. "Oh, oh."

15. "Oh, oh."

16. All right? "Oh."

17. Don't wanna scare people.

18. Ah. Oh.

19. Ah. How's that feel?

20. - Great. - Any notes for me?

21. Nope, you're great.

22. Oh. Oh.

23. Hey. Hey, man, you all right?

24. Oh.

25. You, uh, you been at this long?

26. A little while, I guess.

27. Mmm. Just got outta Julliard.

28. This is my first paying gig. My first gig, really.

29. Mmm. Interesting experience.

30. I know what you're all thinking,

31. but you're wrong. I only want directions.

32. Where's this train headed, huh?

33. Where's the conductor?

34. Ask him where this train is bound.

35. Glory? That's not my ultimate destination.

36. Fort Lee, New Jersey is my ultimate destination.

37. I don't know about you suckers,

38. I got a brother-in-law.

39. This train is hauling the good, the bad,

40. and especially the ugly mother fuckers!

41. So who's gonna be the hero?

42. - You? - I'm a casting director,

43. specializing in unique and unusual physiognomies.

44. - Have you ever considered... - Yeah,

45. they tell me I got star quality.

46. I believe that. Here...

47. Salamunovich says,

48. "Nah, don't worry about it. It's just a gland."

49. - Cool, yo... - Hey, hey, 4F,

50. you keepin' a dog in your apartment?

51. - No, why? - Must be somebody else.

52. Hey. Come on, man.

53. Watch it, watch it, watch it, watch it.

54. Hey, hey. No, come here.

55. Feel this. Feel this.

56. Here.

57. That seem like a lump to you?

58. A little lumpy.

59. You know who this guy reminds me of?

60. Woody Allen, when he was younger and kind of nervous.

61. Yeah. He's kind of nervous.

62. Listen, be confident brother.

63. Take some Brazilian jiu-jitsu,

64. or that Krav Maga from Israel shit.

65. Look, hey, little guy.

66. All unhappiness in life comes from not accepting what is.

67. Do you know who told me that?

68. - Your shrink. - No, I'm serious.

69. You know who told me that all unhappiness in life

70. - comes from, uh... - Jesus Christ.

71. From not accepting what is?

72. Lady Gaga.

73. I knew that fucking bitch when she was...

74. Hi.

75. Um...

76. You wanna get there?

77. Excuse me.

78. Sorry, he's going...

79. Jesus Christ, guys...

80. At its most basic level,

81. whistling is about,

82. "Put your lips together

83. "and blow."

84. Right? Everyone knows that.

85. Every five-year-old knows that.

86. But, obviously, it's more complicated than that.

87. As everyone, uh, who's ever tried

88. to whistle knows,

89. that if you put your lips together...

90. Oh!

91. All of these muscles,

92. uh, the sphincter muscles

93. around your lips...

94. Hey. Oh, your hand!

95. Um, I just unpacked my first aid kit.

96. Right back, hold on.

97. has something to do...

98. Got it.

99. Oh, um, I'll fix that. Don't worry about it.

100. Can we sit here?

101. I'm no doctor. I waive all liability.

102. Do you consent?

103. Antibacterial ointment and gauze pads

104. is the extent of my expertise is overstating it.

105. Oh. Expired. Recently?

106. It's probably still good though, right?

107. - Yeah. - Um...

108. Mmm, paper towels.

109. It's bad for the earth.

110. Let's, uh, examine the wound here.

111. Oh, shi...

112. Maybe you need stitches?

113. - What do you think? - I mean...

114. What happened to you?

115. It's none of my business.

116. Okay.

117. Let's see, ugh.

118. Those assholes and I just stood there

119. like a moron.

120. And I thought, "I've got an enemy in my new building."

121. This will sting.

122. Did it not sting?

123. A little.

124. Okay, that's, that's good.

125. It's probably good.

126. Brave. This is potent stuff.

127. Okay, um, let's just...

128. Before it...

129. Is this okay?

130. Oh shit.

131. I got it on the couch.

132. - Oh. No, it's okay. - I'm so sorry.

133. Just tell me if it doesn't come out.

134. Oh. I got it on my thigh.

135. That's disgusting.

136. Oh, you should probably get that checked out.

137. - Uh... - Your apartment is so lived in.

138. Yeah. Uh, well, I mean, it, uh, makes sense...

139. Mine's a war zone.

140. - Are you from here? - Yeah.

141. Hmm. I'm from Alesund.

142. You heard of that?

143. Sorry, what was your name again?

144. - Edward. - E. Lemuel.

145. I saw it on the mailbox.

146. I'm Ingrid. Did I say that?

147. Is that your mom?

148. Yeah.

149. Is that you?

150. Yes.

151. - Is she alive? - No.

152. So, what do you do?

153. Uh, well, I... I was just cutting some onions...

154. You're a writer.

155. Oh, I found it on the street.

156. Really? Looks valuable.

157. "They taunt me and beg me to show my face,

158. "only so that when I do,

159. "they can turn away in horror."

160. What's that?

161. I... I was just testing it out.

162. It's interesting.

163. Actually, I'm a playwright.

164. I act.

165. Amazing.

166. I'm trying to think if I've, uh, seen you in anything.

167. Not... Not likely.

168. Well, maybe we'll ride to glory together.

169. Maybe.

170. Oh, uh, do you know who lived in my apartment before me?

171. - C. Pulaski? - Uh, yeah.

172. He, uh, came over to, uh, borrow

173. some laundry detergent.

174. Uh, old guy. Widower, maybe.

175. - Did he die? - I didn't...

176. I didn't know he was, uh, gone.

177. Actually, this is not why I came over.

178. But can I borrow some laundry detergent?

179. Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.

180. - Yeah? - Sure. I...

181. Um, yeah.

182. You learning to whistle?

183. All in all, things look relatively stable.

184. Eventually, we'll have to take a look

185. at the growth over your left eye.

186. Your vision is noticeably impacted?

187. I've adjusted.

188. This makes it two or so years without surgery.

189. - Much needed respite. - Yeah.

190. Let's aim for three years.

191. But I must be frank that sooner or later,

192. the eye will become debilitating.

193. As for the cholesteatoma,

194. I think we should go in and get that thing out.

195. But the hearing loss is minimal,

196. so we can probably sit on it for a bit.

197. Several other tumors have shown minor enlargement,

198. but no impingement on any important structures.

199. So, just some things we have to keep an eye on.

200. I mention this so that you have an idea

201. of the road ahead, not that it's news to you.

202. But an alternative path has presented itself.

203. A colleague of mine, Eugene Flexner,

204. rather distinguished,

205. is on the lookout for patients,

206. a patient like you,

207. for an experimental drug trial.

208. This drug seems to have the potential to be,

209. words like heal and cure are an anathema

210. to folks in my profession, but to actually heal you,

211. completely, even.

212. The implications are life changing for you.

213. I shouldn't overpromise anything

214. because it's the first trial I believe.

215. Perhaps any potential risk is worth the potential reward?

216. Something to think about.

217. Oh, hey, neighbor.

218. Housewarming, for the door.

219. Didn't your mother give that to you?

220. No, I... I found it on the street.

221. Right. Okay.

222. I just wanna get rid of it, and you're a playwriter.

223. Yeah, but you could probably get some cash for it.

224. Write me a part.

225. Yes. Right.

226. I'll get right on that. No, but thank you.

227. It's, uh, very heavy, generous.

228. Thank you.

229. Hey!

230. - Hey, man. - Hello. That's my neighbor.

231. Come in. Thank you again.

232. - Yep. - Thank you.

233. Jesus Christ.

234. Whom else would I love but the most beautiful woman

235. in the world? Of course.

236. The most beautiful of all women.

237. The most captivating, the most intelligent.

238. Sometimes in the blue shadows of evening,

239. I give way to tender feelings.

240. I go into a garden,

241. smelling the fragrance of spring

242. with my poor monstrous nose,

243. and I watch a man and a woman,

244. strolling together under the moonlight,

245. and I think how I too,

246. would like to be arm in arm with a woman under the moon.

247. I let myself be carried away.

248. I forget myself.

249. And then I...

250. suddenly see the shadow of my...

251. profile on the garden wall.

252. Sad as it is, it will come as no surprise.

253. Attractive people are the winners

254. in most areas of life,

255. and the workplace is no exception.

256. You're likely to be startled or perturbed

257. when you see a face like this.

258. You might stare tactlessly,

259. or on the contrary, avert your gaze,

260. even if you're generally a kind person.

261. These uneasy feelings may diminish or subside

262. after repeated exposure

263. to your facially different coworker.

264. Be gentle with yourself for having these reactions.

265. We have no control over the fight

266. or flight responses of the reptilian part

267. of our brains.

268. But as developed, empathetic beings,

269. there are strategies we can adopt

270. to be more inclusive.

271. Here, according to the experts,

272. are some techniques.

273. Make your disfigured coworker feel included

274. on your team's project

275. and make an effort to seek their input.

276. Luther, do you have any feedback for Sally?

277. Sounds like an ace idea to me.

278. When appropriate, invite them

279. to social functions.

280. So, Morris, it's my birthday this weekend.

281. Oh, really? How old are you?

282. It's a big one, let's leave it at that.

283. - Mmm. - But I'm, uh, having

284. some people at my place,

285. and I was thinking you should come.

286. Sally will be there.

287. Ace. Thank you for thinking of me.

288. It really means a lot.

289. And you're welcome to bring someone

290. if there's a girl or...

291. Uh, thank you.

292. Happy birthday.

293. Ask how they're doing occasionally,

294. as you would ask anyone else.

295. If they appear to be in distress,

296. gently inquire if they need your help...

297. without assuming

298. their dependence on you.

299. Hey. Hey, man, you all right?

300. You need to lie down or something?

301. No, this... This happens

302. from time to time. It'll pass.

303. Thanks for asking though.

304. All right, well, just let me know.

305. I'll be at my desk.

306. Hey, have you seen Sally anywhere?

307. No.

308. That's, uh, basically it.

309. - Mmm. Is there more of you? - No.

310. Well, is it... What is it? Is it some...

311. Like they show it in offices?

312. I think something like that.

313. Yeah.

314. Well, it seems like an important tool.

315. And, uh, no, you made an impression.

316. - Yeah. - Yeah.

317. We all gotta start somewhere.

318. Yeah. Oh, you have this blackhead on your nose.

319. Oh, I...

320. Can I get at it?

321. It's... I can get it.

322. Can I?

323. Oh, okay.

324. It's... No. I don't have to.

325. No, it's... It's fine.

326. It's, uh, you have very oily skin.

327. I have a good cream for that.

328. - Okay. - Hmm. I'd love to try it.

329. - Yeah? - Sure.

330. So, no more of you in this?

331. - No. - Ah, nope? Okay.

332. Um...

333. I think, uh, I'm gonna...

334. - Hey, I... I'm sorry. - No, don't be sorry.

335. I... I forgot I have this thing, and, uh...

336. I'll talk to you later. See you soon.

337. Psychologists have begun

338. to uncover where disgust comes from...

339. some researchers believing

340. the emotion is similar to fear.

341. "Fear evolved to keep you away from large animals

342. "that want to eat you from the outside,"

343. says Valerie Curtis, a behavioral scientist

344. at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine.

345. Okay, and then...

346. Ta-da!

347. Okay. All right. It's just a file photo,

348. but I believe we all get the idea.

349. Uh, all right, let's move on, Dr. Trutz.

350. All right, as you may know,

351. this drug was originally developed

352. as a treatment for androgenic alopecia.

353. It's an area which has shown significant promise.

354. Uh, it's in phase three trials?

355. Uh, but, what we're attempting here,

356. though, of course, for a far more niche market,

357. is a different beast altogether.

358. At the dose that we propose to administer,

359. physical modification of hard and soft tissue,

360. both reductive and augmentative,

361. was observed without the need

362. for manual shaving or grafting.

363. There is the potential to restore form and function

364. to bodies containing a variety of defects,

365. which is paramount

366. to a patient's physical appearance,

367. while reducing the overall cost

368. with only a moderate level of morbidity.

369. There was a non-zero number

370. of wound dehiscence and vessel damage...

371. We'll use this one to measure the progress,

372. and we'll feed any inconsistencies

373. back into the machine.

374. Wow. What a world!

375. Log book.

376. Next to each potential side effect, mark the number.

377. Zero meaning non-existent, one meaning mild,

378. ten meaning...

379. These are going to help protect your kidneys.

380. Take them every four hours on the dot.

381. These could be placebos?

382. These ones, no.

383. Everybody gets these to protect the kidneys.

384. The placebo arms are for the Turpidol

385. and the Ochiprosoponib medication.

386. So theoretically, yes,

387. with those you won't know for sure,

388. but I'd just put that idea out of your head.

389. Now, let's get that bandage changed.

390. Dr. Trutz.

391. Dr. Trutz! Dressing change.

392. This one's...

393. See you tomorrow.

394. And it paid really badly, so...

395. - It wasn't the move. - Wasn't the move.

396. Wasn't the move.

397. Um, I remember...

398. I remember going to some great record stores.

399. It drives me crazy. And you know what I think

400. about money I make? I'll tell you what I think about money.

401. See this? This is what I think about money.

402. This, all right? So go ahead then.

403. You ready? Throw it up in my face.

404. Come on, do what you say.

405. Say it! Say it!

406. Say how you pay the bills.

407. How you're spending your money.

408. How you picked up the rent last month.

409. Huh? What do you want me to do, get on my knees?

410. You want me to kiss your feet?

411. Well, forget it, man.

412. Because this place has been here long

413. before you got me up in here,

414. and it'll be here long after you leave.

415. All right? So don't tell me about money.

416. And don't tell me about pain, and don't tell me

417. when you think it could've been finished.

418. All right? I'll tell you when it gets finished.

419. In fact, you'll be the first to know.

420. I'll come and tell you, man. I'll come over...

421. I'll whisper it. Right in your ear, man.

422. I'll say, "It's done!"

423. Ah, come on.

424. I don't wanna spend another night

425. just sitting around, looking at the TV.

426. We have to. We have no money.

427. But I thought you got your al...

428. - Ali, Ale, Al... - Alimony.

429. Alimony check today.

430. I did, but I had to pay rent.

431. We don't have any drugs?

432. We don't have any money?

433. We don't have any...

434. I can't take it anymore!

435. Why don't you call up one of your friends

436. and go out?

437. Because I don't have any friends.

438. Open the door!

439. No, no. This way. 4B! 4B!

440. Come on. Let's move. Go, go, go.

441. - Snip the thing. - Yeah.

442. Cut it.

443. - You got him? - Yeah.

444. Careful, don't drop him.

445. Oh!

446. I got him. I got him.

447. - Good? - Yep.

448. I'm... I'm good.

449. Yeah, I'm tired man.

450. Okay, set it down. Goodnight, sweet prince.

451. Think this guy was a poet?

452. What were you doing, man?

453. What?

454. Hello?

455. Hey, go around. You gotta go around.

456. Let's go!

457. Learn to park, motherfuckers.

458. Hey, where were you

459. when my mother had a stroke.

460. Hey, come on, guy!

461. Go away. You gotta go back.

462. His name was Ostermeier, according to his mailbox.

463. - Yeah, Ostermeier. - You knew him?

464. No.

465. Would you kill yourself?

466. I don't know, maybe.

467. Depends on the circumstances.

468. Don't say "maybe". Say "no".

469. - Would you? - What a question!

470. I know I asked it first.

471. Hey, what happened to your bandage?

472. Oh, yeah, it healed.

473. It's a miracle. I'm like St. Francis.

474. Guess I chose the wrong profession,

475. and now I'm gonna slash you,

476. get some more practice.

477. Sorry. Nervous Nelly.

478. I'm not scared.

479. Um, what are your plays about?

480. No, don't ask. I'd rather talk about suicide.

481. - Sorry. - No, it's just...

482. It's embarrassing talking about...

483. Especially when it's still in progress.

484. You know, I call myself a writer,

485. but it's... It's sort of aspirational.

486. No, I do write. It's...

487. I've written a few translations

488. by this Italian, though, you wouldn't know him,

489. he's a nobody. I won an award for it.

490. Small, but, yeah.

491. I'm trying to write my first original play,

492. but I'm still figuring it out.

493. You probably want your typewriter back.

494. Oh, throw it out for all I give a shit.

495. I wouldn't throw it out.

496. At the very least, it makes me looks like a writer.

497. At the very least, it makes me look like a writer.

498. - Its presence mocks me. - Inspires you.

499. That's the most positive thing I've heard you say.

500. What are your favorite plays?

501. Um, I don't know.

502. The one about the, um, selling...

503. The... The seller, salesman.

504. Oh. Mmm-hmm.

505. - Um... - Yeah.

506. I saw a pretty good one on TV about the Nazis.

507. - Which one's that? - I don't remember the name,

508. but it had singing and dancing and Nazis.

509. The Nazis were singing and dancing?

510. No, the, um...

511. - The other... - Jews.

512. I guess so.

513. The Jews were singing and dancing?

514. Yeah, I guess so.

515. Sounds like a weird dream you had.

516. Probably I'm misremembering.

517. Who's that?

518. I don't... I don't know.

519. Why is he waving at you?

520. I... I have no idea.

521. What did he want?

522. Why'd he think he knew you?

523. Sometimes these things happen to me.

524. They do?

525. Well, I'd like to come see the...

526. - Your play when... - You're not gonna see it,

527. you're gonna be in it, right?

528. Argh!

529. Argh!

530. It's incredible.

531. I guess this means I'm not in the control group?

532. I can't disclose that information, officially.

533. This could be something called the placebo effect.

534. I have to admit,

535. I'm... I'm starting to feel a little...

536. frightened, and, uh...

537. Is this safe?

538. I mean, uh, my face is falling off in clumps.

539. I'm sure it only looks

540. - like clumps to you. - Big gobs.

541. Skin particles cleaving at the fascial planes.

542. Look, you are healing, Mr. Lemuel.

543. You're a part of medical history.

544. You might even be the subject of a documentary one day.

545. If I'm not in the control group.

546. Oh, and if at all possible,

547. I'd like you to take photographs of your face,

548. say ten a day,

549. just to monitor the rate of change,

550. which appears to be very rapid.

551. Perhaps the risk is worth the reward.

552. Something to think about.

553. Ta-da!

554. What do I do with it?

555. Keep it, uh, as a souvenir, a reminder.

556. Of what?

557. Do you hear that? That alarm.

558. You're an actor, right?

559. A movie actor.

560. I've seen you around.

561. You gotta be careful out there, man.

562. Crapper's for customers only, buddy.

563. So what's it gonna be?

564. Something potent by the looks of it.

565. Up? Or rocks?

566. Let's not dilute its medicinal value, huh?

567. Hey, man.

568. I know you.

569. Where do I know you from?

570. I don't know.

571. Do you know me? You recognize me?

572. I'm Guy Gaunt.

573. - I don't know. - Ring a bell?

574. I don't know, maybe. I can't place you.

575. Right.

576. - Volunteer fireman. - What?

577. Do you... Do you work for Facebook?

578. No, but I get this a lot.

579. - Um... - No, that's not it.

580. I saw you.

581. I wouldn't forget you. I... I don't forget a face.

582. Excuse me, you got a little, uh,

583. blood or something on ya.

584. What's your name?

585. - Edward. - After that.

586. Lemuel.

587. - Lemuel. - Leemwell.

588. Edward Leemwell.

589. Hey, how do you do?

590. This is really some mystery, isn't it?

591. I'm Guy Gaunt, like I said.

592. It'll come to me though.

593. - You think on it, too, okay? - Okay.

594. Okay. Enjoy your drink.

595. No!

596. I must say it's a silver lining.

597. - It's not... - It's not what?

598. If you put your lips together,

599. and blow, uh, sometimes this is what you get.

600. And, uh, you know, most of the frustrated comments

601. I get are, "Cosmo, I put my lips together and I blew,

602. "but, um, that's all I got.

603. "I sound like a tea kettle, but it's not whistling."

604. Obviously, there's something else at play.

605. What you really want is you want your... your mouth...

606. tight.

607. Not necessarily...

608. small, because that, you know, varies

609. with the pitch.

610. Whiskey.

611. Rocks, up?

612. I don't wanna dilute the medicinal value.

613. You what?

614. One more?

615. Let's go, man!

616. Come on, man. We did it!

617. - Fucking wild, man. - Let's go baby.

618. Yeah! Yeah!

619. - Come on, man. - Yeah!

620. It's time to fuck up!

621. - Yeah! - Yeah!

622. You got the hole?

623. Uh, what... What time is it?

624. What the hell did you do?

625. I... I didn't... I didn't do anything.

626. Well, you shouldn't have let it get like this.

627. Yeah. Well, what was I supposed to?

628. I didn't... I didn't know what...

629. You know, I told the guy downstairs, and...

630. - Where were you? - Gallstones.

631. - I thought your mother... - This 4F?

632. Yeah.

633. You're the man that lives here?

634. Well, yes.

635. There's another man that lives here though.

636. Sometimes, maybe. Why?

637. You're the one that called

638. and complained about this hole.

639. - The man with the dog. - No.

640. I mean, I have a cat.

641. A cat? Named what?

642. I don't know.

643. That's the guy that lives here?

644. That is art.

645. - Hmm, like a mask? - Like a... A bust.

646. Pretty weird stuff.

647. Okay, I'll, uh, I'll fix the...

648. - Is that the cat? - Yep.

649. Okay, I'll fix the hole.

650. - Should I leave? - You can do whatever you want.

651. You need help? Want some tap water?

652. I hope I have the materials for this.

653. This is a big problem.

654. Should've fixed this sooner.

655. Hi, uh, sorry. It... It was open.

656. Is this Ed Lemuel's apartment?

657. I... I know it's early.

658. I'm looking for Mr. Lemuel.

659. - Uh, he's a patient of mine. - Um...

660. Uh, we have not heard from him for a week,

661. and no one in my office has been

662. able to get a hold of him.

663. Yeah.

664. Well, what, um, happened is that he, uh...

665. Edward is dead.

666. What? He's dead?

667. It happened very suddenly.

668. How? When... Uh...

669. Excuse me. Excuse me.

670. Ah, thanks. Thanks.

671. I'm Guy, a family friend.

672. - Family. - Yeah.

673. So, is there a funeral?

674. Uh, yeah, no, it's over.

675. He's... He's dead and buried. Cremated.

676. Well, was he sick?

677. Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me, guys. Yeah.

678. We don't know.

679. We're trying to find out.

680. Suicide.

681. Suicide?

682. Uh, was he depressed?

683. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah.

684. - Was he depressed? - I don't know.

685. I don't know.

686. You... You say he was cremated?

687. I think cremated, yeah.

688. So you're sure Mr. Lemuel is really gone?

689. Yep. He's, uh, really, really gone.

690. Just like that.

691. I think you have mice.

692. I saw some droppings. Ugh!

693. You need a cat.

694. All right, I'll see you later.

695. - Yeah! - Whoa!

696. Look at this guy!

697. Look at this guy!

698. - Yes. - Yeah!

699. This is my fucking guy. Look at this piece

700. - of man candy - Put it down.

701. - No way. - No. I'm not going to.

702. Look at this piece

703. of man candy. I'm getting a fucking toothache.

704. - He looks great. - Sit the fuck down.

705. Sit the fuck down and get to work, you genius.

706. It turned out so well.

707. I notice that isn't on your little billboard.

708. - Sorry. - What?

709. Just that little pockmark or whatever.

710. It's nothing. Nobody's ever gonna notice it.

711. It's not... You can't see it on the...

712. You know, I'm sure they buffed it out.

713. You're gonna wanna change your name

714. if you're gonna be a fucking famous model.

715. Guy Moratz just sounds fucking made up.

716. - He's on the lam. - He's on the lam, huh?

717. You kill somebody? Who are you?

718. I'm not gonna tell anybody. You kill somebody?

719. - No. - Stay humble, Fabio.

720. I see you over there getting a big old head.

721. They taunt me and beg me

722. just to see my face.

723. Only so that when I do,

724. they can turn and run in horror.

725. Thank you, Mr. Silverheels.

726. Thank you for your time.

727. I worry about it.

728. Can I help you?

729. Hi...

730. Are you here for Edward?

731. Is he on the call sheet?

732. Sammy Silverheels is the last one for the day.

733. - What? - Did you get sides?

734. - Sides? - Viv give him the...

735. Get him sides for, um, Theo.

736. - Okay. - Scene 12.

737. - Fiona, can you... - Yeah.

738. Okay. Whenever you're ready.

739. Um...

740. "If... If it was me, I would...

741. "I'd just move out of the building,

742. "forfeit my deposit.

743. "I couldn't live next to that.

744. "Every time you step outside not knowing

745. "if he's gonna be there.

746. "Always be on guard. Jesus, I'd have nightmares."

747. Come on. Don't be an asshole. You don't mean that.

748. "I sure as hell do mean it.

749. "And I... I don't feel bad about it either.

750. "Humans are hardwired to fear,

751. "despise the sick and the ugly.

752. "Used to leave deformed babies out to die in the cold.

753. "Put 'em in the institutions at least.

754. "I've got science on my side.

755. "You know it's true. But it's...

756. "You're... You're just being politically, um...

757. "correct."

758. I need this, man.

759. I'd be right for it, too.

760. Kind of born for it.

761. You know what I mean.

762. Just wanna tell my mama,

763. "Hey, it was all worth it."

764. The life we've chosen, huh?

765. Yeah.

766. Uh, who is Guy Moratz?

767. Does it hurt?

768. - No. - Good.

769. Hey, that photo,

770. - is that you as a boy? - Oh.

771. - Excuse me. - Yeah.

772. Excuse me. What's going on here?

773. - I... - Well...

774. What?

775. Forgive me, is that, uh, some kind of mask?

776. It's a prototype.

777. Prototype? Of what?

778. For the face.

779. The eventual, uh...

780. Uh, we'll use makeup. I don't... I don't know...

781. However you wanna handle it.

782. Who are you exactly?

783. I'm Edward.

784. Guy Moratz, supposedly.

785. - I was... - Guy Moratz.

786. - You're Guy Moratz. - I was born for this.

787. So...

788. I am this guy.

789. Are you... deformed?

790. I am this guy.

791. We...

792. This is... This is an off-Broadway production.

793. I don't think we can afford makeup.

794. Just let me do the scene.

795. Where'd you get that mask?

796. Begin please.

797. Begin. Come on.

798. There.

799. All better.

800. - Does it hurt? - No.

801. Good.

802. Hey...

803. That photo.

804. - Oh. - Is that you as a boy?

805. Uh, um, yeah.

806. So I guess you weren't born...

807. - I'm sorry. It's not my place. - It's okay.

808. People probably ask you a lot of questions.

809. It's not the questions I, uh, mind so much.

810. No?

811. People can be cruel, I imagine.

812. You have an eyelash.

813. Let me get it.

814. - I... - Oh.

815. I have to go. I...

816. - I'm... I'm sorry. - No, no, no.

817. I... I didn't realize what time it was.

818. I'm sorry. It's just, um...

819. No one, uh...

820. No one's ever, uh...

821. Touched my... My face before.

822. Your first audition was a little, uh...

823. I was, uh, traumatized,

824. because a... a friend,

825. childhood best friend was...

826. Had very much, uh, this condition.

827. Like Edward, your Edward.

828. Don't tell me his name was Edward.

829. No, no.

830. - Ronnie. - Can Lonnie act?

831. He died. Um, which is...

832. And so I... I felt overwhelmed.

833. Uh, you know, and...

834. And... And that's why I really feel strongly

835. that I have to play this part.

836. That's one way to honor a friend.

837. Check it out.

838. So did you know an Edward?

839. An Edward? This can't just be a story

840. my brilliant imagination has cooked up?

841. I've known, you know, a couple of people.

842. It's more of, um... What's the word?

843. - Tribute. - Amalgamation.

844. - Oh. - It's me, too.

845. Part of the character is based on myself in a way.

846. It's... It's, um...

847. Uh, how... How... How is that?

848. To be perfectly blunt, I'd wanted to cast

849. a person who looks, well,

850. who looks like that, ideally.

851. But it's... It's hard. You get fixated on this idea,

852. and, um, if it's not right, it's not right.

853. You had someone specific in mind.

854. The question is, do you cast someone

855. with a condition even though it's not the right fit?

856. Is it wrong to cast someone

857. because of their disfigurement?

858. Exploitative even?

859. Will people come to gawk?

860. Where's the ethical line?

861. You know, it's funny because, um,

862. Edward has this awkwardness in his own skin,

863. and it's kind of brilliant in a way,

864. seeing you who looks like you,

865. but you're not yourself.

866. You have this mask, this other persona,

867. and it creates this dissonance,

868. and it just... It clicked for me.

869. It was strangely affecting.

870. It was like seeing my own creation come to life.

871. - Oh, hey, Mr. Sablosky. - Hey.

872. He's blind. Shoes off please.

873. - Not the bag. - What?

874. Just kidding.

875. Just put it on the floor.

876. Is this where you, uh, you do your writing?

877. Oh, I never used it. I'm not sure it even works.

878. - Seems to work. - Hmm. It's yours.

879. Give it a proper home.

880. What... Where did it come from?

881. Looks Italian.

882. Psst, psst, psst, psst.

883. Hello.

884. - Hello. - Who... Who is this?

885. - C. Pulaski. - C. Pulaski.

886. - C. Pulaski. - Yeah.

887. - Hey. - Oh.

888. You hungry?

889. Goddamn her.

890. Who... Who is that?

891. It's this intolerable old hag down there.

892. You can't even walk barefoot in here.

893. Okay.

894. - There's the bar. - Oh, I've had enough.

895. Make me something.

896. Ooh.

897. Ooh.

898. How long have you lived here?

899. I don't think the old hag's gonna...

900. like that.

901. Well, what's worse?

902. Me having to tiptoe around not to upset

903. the sensitive bitch, or her having to live

904. with such a noisy little bitch upstairs?

905. I would rather live in a house all by myself.

906. That's not an answer.

907. - Cops after you? - What?

908. - You're jumpy. - I startle easily.

909. Yeah. Nervous Nelly.

910. You think it's the bitch?

911. - Hey. - I'm sorry.

912. I was just in the borough. I thought I'd drop in.

913. You don't live here. What are you doing here?

914. I can see you're as excited to see me

915. - as I am to see you. - Yes, Carl.

916. It's not a game. It's... It's over.

917. I'm sorry, Carl. I have someone here.

918. Yeah, right here.

919. I'm here to come in, say hello.

920. I have a visitor. Okay?

921. What... What does that mean?

922. A... A delivery person?

923. No. You know what that means.

924. Don't act stupid.

925. - You know what I mean. - Okay.

926. Bah!

927. I had to do that.

928. Who was... Who was that?

929. Jilted lover.

930. So many jilted lovers.

931. I leave a trail of tragedy in my wake.

932. I warned you.

933. The sad reality is my face is fragile.

934. And it's imperative

935. that I conduct my life based upon this fact.

936. When in doubt, live in fear.

937. That's my mantra.

938. Stay out of ballrooms, or crowded places in general.

939. Be nice to people. Be deferential.

940. Be the bigger man.

941. Argue if I must, and I mustn't really,

942. only from a safe distance.

943. Or under the protection of some powerful friend,

944. if I even had one and if he could

945. then be relied upon.

946. I tell myself,

947. "Edward, don't call attention to yourself."

948. It's a useless ad... Ad...

949. It's a useless advice.

950. Oh, pardon the, uh, intrusion.

951. I met this casting director, unique and unusual

952. physiognomies is his specialty.

953. And he told me about this interesting play,

954. you're auditioning for, and thought I could potentially

955. be a perfect fit.

956. So I'm no actor, but I thought,

957. let's come down here, give it a gander.

958. And from the tidbit I've just seen,

959. seems like a rather curious piece.

960. But alas, I see the role is filled,

961. and rather ably, I must say.

962. So congrats to all involved.

963. And best of luck. Break a leg, as they say.

964. I'll be sure to see it when it comes out.

965. Take care.

966. Wait. Wait, wait.

967. - What? - Wait. Hold on.

968. You have the mask?

969. What?

970. Put it on.

971. - Why? - Just do what I tell you.

972. You don't wanna look at me?

973. Come on. It's my creation.

974. No, stop.

975. What's the problem?

976. This is so fucked up.

977. What do you mean?

978. You look ridiculous.

979. I just wanna say a toast to the man who sold

980. the Cortland property, finally.

981. King of 'em all.

982. Shit hole with half a bathroom.

983. Chin-chin, my little man.

984. - Chin-chin, indeed. - Edward.

985. Hey, you probably don't remember me.

986. We met back at the, um...

987. theatre. Oswald.

988. - I... - Edward?

989. - I'm sorry. Edward? - Um, hi.

990. - Sorry, what? Edward? - It's... It's nothing.

991. Ooh, you're only Edward on the telly.

992. Sorry, awful joke.

993. What do you go by in the civilian world?

994. - Guy. - Guy Moratz.

995. Fabio is what I call him.

996. Do you wanna pull up a seat, Oswald?

997. I've got a few moments, sure.

998. This is all very, very mysterious.

999. What secret intel have you got about our enigmatic friend?

1000. Only that your dear friend, Mr. Moratz,

1001. is starring in a soon-to-be, classic theatrical production.

1002. Star? Like as an actor?

1003. No, it's... It's... It's a small, uh, production.

1004. - Uh, play. Um... - Uh-huh. Okay.

1005. Well, thank you so much for telling me.

1006. It makes me feel very close to you.

1007. - It's hard to, um, it, it's... - Your friend plays a man

1008. with a disfigured face. Name of Edward.

1009. Disfigured face?

1010. And he dons a very convincing mask.

1011. Well, it's still being perfected. It's a prototype.

1012. It's a sort of a Beauty and the Beast yarn.

1013. That's one way of looking at it.

1014. I love Beauty and the Beast.

1015. - No. Well, it's called... - It's called just Edward,

1016. which presumably means that you are the star of the show.

1017. Our Guy, a Broadway star?

1018. - Off-Broadway. - Off-Broadway, Broadway.

1019. His first step on the road to glory.

1020. - Show business. - I saw

1021. a little bit of it, and I was gobsmacked.

1022. You were leading a double life, and I knew it.

1023. He's cheating on us, that's what he's doing.

1024. I... I'm getting the feeling

1025. I've messed things up for you tonight.

1026. Yeah, you've outed him.

1027. - Look how embarrassed he is. - I'm not...

1028. - Little bashful, you are... - He's always embarrassed.

1029. He's this little, like, Nervous Nelly, I always call him, you know?

1030. Well, you should see him when he gets bashful like the seven dwarfs.

1031. Would you like a drink, Oswald?

1032. I... Actually, I have to skedaddle.

1033. But it was lovely meeting all of you.

1034. And a thousand apologies

1035. if I caused any discomfiture at all.

1036. - It wasn't my place to... - No, no, no.

1037. to reveal your secret.

1038. - Oh, it's... - I will hopefully meet

1039. all of you again, and I will see you,

1040. my friend, on stage, cheering from the front row.

1041. Take care. Lovely meeting you all.

1042. Bye, bye, Oswald.

1043. I'm mortified by my recklessness,

1044. and I hope this doesn't come between us.

1045. I just wanted to make sure you knew

1046. how much I enjoyed your performance.

1047. - Take care, Guy. - When is it?

1048. - I mean, can we come? - Does it have

1049. your little pock mark...

1050. I like that guy's accent.

1051. - Is he from around here? - So, Edward...

1052. - Don't call me that. - Edward.

1053. It's a cute name on you, first of all.

1054. I just don't understand. He talks...

1055. He speaks to the audience in...

1056. In these long philosophical monologues,

1057. and then when he talks to Fiona,

1058. - he's monosyllabic. - Yeah. You want more lines?

1059. You can barely remember the ones you have.

1060. And why does he have to be so grateful to her?

1061. - Just because he has this... - He's not grateful!

1062. He's so indebted to her just for talking to him?

1063. No. He's nervous because he hasn't had a lot of experience.

1064. How do you know what kind of experience he's had?

1065. - Are you fucking kidding me? - Maybe he's had a rich life.

1066. - We don't know his backstory. - I know the backstory

1067. of my own character, thank you very much.

1068. And then he has to go kill himself,

1069. 'cause, of course, he's so depressed

1070. - because he's deformed. - Look who I ran into.

1071. Guy, my fellow!

1072. Ah, it's good to see you again.

1073. Do you know each other?

1074. Uh, yeah. I drunkenly descended upon Guy,

1075. and his real estate mates at the pub.

1076. - Real estate mates? - Lovely bunch.

1077. I forgot to say, I'm looking for a place of my own.

1078. Oh, sorry. Oswald.

1079. - I'm Ingrid. - Ah, the marvelous scribe.

1080. - And director. - Ah, la maestra.

1081. Um, and this is Fiona, who plays Iris.

1082. - Hey. - Good to meet you.

1083. Uh, and yeah, you met Vivian.

1084. - Of course. - Yeah.

1085. Uh, I don't know if this is okay with you, I...

1086. Would you like to stay and watch?

1087. Oh, I'm... I'm developing

1088. somewhat of a reputation of intruding

1089. where I'm not wanted.

1090. No, not at all, really.

1091. It will be nerve-wracking for us.

1092. The play's still very nascent.

1093. Nothing is set in stone.

1094. Oh, everyone's so self-conscious in showbiz.

1095. - I love it. - Yes.

1096. Though I am intrigued

1097. by this whole process, I have to admit.

1098. Um, well, if you're not too busy.

1099. No. I mean, I've just had Jiu-Jitsu practice,

1100. - so I'm a bit sweaty. - Oh, wow.

1101. But other than that, I was just gonna sit

1102. - in the park and read my book. - What are you reading?

1103. The Bluest Eye, by Toni Morrison.

1104. That's one of my favorite books!

1105. Really? Oh, no way. It just so happens

1106. I was inspired by Guy to pick it up.

1107. He's got these piercing blue eyes.

1108. And when I first saw them,

1109. I was like, "Ah, that reminds me."

1110. Really? I never noticed your eyes, Guy.

1111. - Okay. Sit anywhere you want. - Cool.

1112. It will be boring, stopping and starting.

1113. You won't know I'm here.

1114. - Yeah, scene 16. - Sixteen.

1115. Yeah, just from the top. Okay, and then, it's, uh...

1116. Okay.

1117. I was sad when he offed himself in the end.

1118. Yeah, well, it's a tragedy.

1119. I mean, I know There's... There's nothing

1120. can really be done about it.

1121. And I really like Edward.

1122. A rather passive chap.

1123. Well, of course, till the suicide.

1124. But honestly, I was really hoping

1125. Edward, and, uh, Fiona, would live happily ever after.

1126. - Oh, yeah. - But then,

1127. would the audience believe that?

1128. I love your accent.

1129. I get that a lot.

1130. You yanks love my mellifluous lyrical stylings.

1131. But back at home,

1132. I'm just a bloke.

1133. No one pays any attention to me at all.

1134. Oh, my God.

1135. We should have Edward have an accent.

1136. I reckon the critics would find it

1137. a really classy endeavor.

1138. - That's a great idea. - Do it.

1139. - Guy speak like Oswald. - I... I can't. I can't.

1140. - Sure you can. - Come on. 'Ello mate.

1141. - 'Ello mate. - Yeah.

1142. Yeah, look. How's the old lady doin'?

1143. How's the old lady doing?

1144. That's horrible.

1145. I mean... It needs some refinement,

1146. but we'll get you there.

1147. You do an American accent.

1148. I coulda been a contender.

1149. - Yeah! - Adrienne!

1150. - Yes! - I am not a crook.

1151. Wow, that's amazing. Why can't you do that?

1152. You're not playing

1153. - Master Harold after all. - I guess they didn't

1154. teach you accents at Julliard.

1155. Really, Guy. I had an affinity

1156. for accents as a child, like moving around a lot,

1157. and it just, sort of, blossomed into one

1158. of my many useless talents.

1159. What's your other talents?

1160. Ooh, well, I can yodel.

1161. Yodel-aye-ee-hoo!

1162. I can juggle. I can sing.

1163. I can play sax, though I'm no Coltrane.

1164. And I'm learning to weave.

1165. - I'm ashamed to say. - Oh, what can't you do?

1166. - I mean, I can't whistle. - I can teach you.

1167. You just...

1168. Put your lips together and blow!

1169. Oh, I can't drive that well either.

1170. Can you act?

1171. What time is it?

1172. He's right.

1173. Edward is too passive.

1174. What does he know about Edward?

1175. I made him a victim.

1176. I fell into the most obvious trap.

1177. What is he supposed to be? A hero?

1178. An inspiration?

1179. He's... He's just Edward.

1180. Look, you said it yourself.

1181. You wanted more lines.

1182. And then you got mad at me.

1183. - But if Oswald says it then... - Come on.

1184. The guy who killed Lincoln.

1185. - What? - Oswald.

1186. Oswald killed Kennedy.

1187. Whatever. Lincoln, right?

1188. A disgruntled actor killed Lincoln,

1189. right there in the theater, right?

1190. Hinkley.

1191. Booth.

1192. Right there in the booth.

1193. I'm sorry.

1194. This must feel very dehumanizing.

1195. Uh-oh. It's very fragile.

1196. No! Leave me alone! Don't touch me!

1197. But I was only trying to...

1198. Yes! You're always trying to be helpful, aren't you?

1199. Yes! Uh...

1200. Uh, I... I don't want your pity!

1201. You, you... I... I know you dis...

1202. I disgust you!

1203. - That isn't true. - You don't think I know

1204. what all your... All your little friends

1205. say about me?

1206. "Why are you hanging out with that, with that freak?

1207. "He's gonna get the wrong idea."

1208. Well, you're the worst out of all them!

1209. Ah! Ah... I don't... I don't care about your caring

1210. and kindness and fussing!

1211. Fuck.

1212. I hate you.

1213. Sir Guy.

1214. What are you... What are you doing here?

1215. Yoga in the park.

1216. Do you do yoga?

1217. - No. - Oh, you should try it.

1218. It's really therapeutic.

1219. - Yeah. - I mean, off the record,

1220. it's a bit of a chore,

1221. but they say it's good for your withering body.

1222. I think I'm feeling the benefits,

1223. but maybe it's a placebo.

1224. I don't know.

1225. Oh, would you look at that.

1226. Oh, I almost forgot.

1227. They did the mock-up today. Right?

1228. Latex isn't it? How'd it go?

1229. You heard about that?

1230. Yeah, Ingrid was quite stressy about it.

1231. - Did it come off? - What?

1232. Did it have the desired effect?

1233. - Well, it's still a... - Work in progress. Right?

1234. Gonna take a bit of refinement to get it spot on.

1235. That's what Murray said, the makeup artist.

1236. Did you know he's half Northern Irish?

1237. He said that's the most complicated thing

1238. he's ever worked on.

1239. I can't wait to see it in action.

1240. Part of me wants to wait till opening night

1241. so I get hit by the full effect of it,

1242. but I still think I'll swing by tomorrow.

1243. Ingrid wants some feedback on the new pages,

1244. and it's always nice to see the gang.

1245. You don't work?

1246. Frankly, I don't work.

1247. I made some lucky investments when I was at university

1248. before running off to Tangiers with my professor.

1249. Right now I'm looking for a place in the city,

1250. which is why I thought I'd sit down

1251. and have a chat with you.

1252. - So... - Look who it is.

1253. Can I believe my eyes?

1254. Oswald, you owe me dinner.

1255. I'm so ashamed.

1256. Hi. I'm Sadie.

1257. Hey.

1258. Oh, this is Guy. He's a masterful actor.

1259. Oh, no. I have bad luck with actors.

1260. We are working on a play together.

1261. You never stop, do you?

1262. Oswald is one of my favorite people

1263. in the world.

1264. How about I call you, say next week?

1265. I'll believe it when I see it.

1266. Nice to meet you, Guy.

1267. Watch out for this one.

1268. - Who was that? - I mean, I know how it looks.

1269. Just don't get any ideas.

1270. Next up, we have Oswald.

1271. - Cheer me on, good sir. - Oswald.

1272. I'm not Edward anymore?

1273. Oh, no, you are, just after his transformation.

1274. What is he talking about?

1275. Well, I've been thinking,

1276. and to your credit, Guy,

1277. you were right, and Oswald, too.

1278. The suicide was ludicrous.

1279. This wasn't meant to be a tragic love story.

1280. Why can't they be happy?

1281. And then Oswald and I were talking about

1282. Beauty and the Beast and how he, in the end,

1283. - becomes a beautiful prince. - A prince?

1284. And you are that prince.

1285. And you are the beast?

1286. No, no, I'm not the beast.

1287. I'm Edward. This isn't Beauty and the Beast.

1288. That was just by way of explaining.

1289. Okay.

1290. I don't understand how he transforms.

1291. How, how...

1292. - How is this possible? - He doesn't transform.

1293. Not literally.

1294. She just sees him differently.

1295. Why?

1296. You know how we idealize people when we're in love?

1297. So I'm the idealized version of Oswald?

1298. No, no. Not me, of Edward.

1299. Why can't it just be him?

1300. Why does she have to idealize him

1301. so he's somebody he isn't?

1302. Well, frankly, Guy,

1303. to keep you in the play.

1304. Look, this is hard for me,

1305. but I really need Oswald to be Edward,

1306. and he refused unless there was

1307. a part for you, because he loves you

1308. and he didn't want it to be like he was replacing you.

1309. You should really be thanking Oswald.

1310. This is my decision.

1311. I had to beg him to do it. Look, it's not you Guy.

1312. It's... It's the whole... The mask, the makeup.

1313. It's a total bust. And Oswald, I mean...

1314. Ingrid insisted.

1315. And I have to admit, this does feel like

1316. a uniquely rare opportunity

1317. for a role that I was arguably born to play.

1318. You're selling yourself short. You could play Hamlet.

1319. She's such a canny director,

1320. flattering me like that.

1321. Frankly, Guy, we've been making

1322. all these changes and you've been having

1323. a hard time, memorizing your new lines.

1324. I haven't. I just...

1325. - It's a process. - Whereas, Oswald,

1326. has photographic memory.

1327. I mean, sure I have photographic memory,

1328. technically, but will that come in handy

1329. - in this situation? - You already know your lines.

1330. I know my lines, sure, but can I act?

1331. - That is the question. - You can. He can.

1332. You've seen it. We've all seen it.

1333. Oswald's a natural.

1334. If it's right, it's right.

1335. You... You know the lines?

1336. You, you've seen him act?

1337. When... When did all this happen?

1338. When he's been giving me feedback.

1339. Guy, you're a masterful actor,

1340. which is why this is so tragic.

1341. I really don't know what the ethical thing to do is.

1342. The right thing to do is for you to take the role,

1343. and you still get to play Edward, Guy,

1344. just transformed.

1345. And you don't have to hide your face

1346. behind that idiotic thing.

1347. You, you get more recognition.

1348. - For one scene. - But what a scene.

1349. - The finale. - No one's gonna believe

1350. that Edward looks like him

1351. and then suddenly he just looks like me.

1352. - Magic! - But she loves him

1353. for who he is. If he changes,

1354. then who is he then?

1355. Same person.

1356. Same bloke, new face.

1357. That's a different person!

1358. It's a metaphorical change.

1359. Right out of Beauty and the Beast.

1360. She loves him, therefore, voila,

1361. he appears more beautiful to her.

1362. But he has to pretend to be a beast

1363. to prove her love.

1364. He doesn't wanna be loved for his looks.

1365. No, she loves him because he's a beast.

1366. Or in spite of his beastliness.

1367. They're talking about you like you're a beast.

1368. We're talking about Edward.

1369. Edward is not a beast.

1370. Oh, no. Heavens, no.

1371. But if we are gonna be using Beauty and the Beast

1372. as our hypothetical comparison,

1373. well, let's just all start being honest

1374. with ourselves, old friend.

1375. I'll put it on my calendar.

1376. - Hey. - Okay, great, yeah.

1377. - What? - Let's go home.

1378. Let's have a drink.

1379. - Don't be mopey. - I'm not thirsty.

1380. Come or go. It's up to you.

1381. Come on.

1382. Come on. Come for one.

1383. At first, the thought terrified me,

1384. having my face disseminated to screens across the world,

1385. that no matter what the hour, people were seeing me,

1386. were laughing at me,

1387. were horrified by me.

1388. And that even when I'm gone,

1389. my image would remain for others to despise.

1390. But then, this idea gave me some comfort.

1391. That if it wasn't me they were laughing at,

1392. if I had not been known,

1393. if I had not had to face my tormentors,

1394. they'd be laughing at someone else,

1395. someone different.

1396. Hey, you were in the show, weren't you?

1397. I loved it. Congratulations.

1398. - Hi. Ron Belcher. - Thanks.

1399. That guy's amazing, right?

1400. I... I gotta be honest with you,

1401. I thought it was makeup.

1402. I was saying to my wife... It's actually our anniversary.

1403. That's her over there.

1404. I was saying to her, "How'd they do that make-up?"

1405. "Right? What is that? Some kind of polymer, right?"

1406. "Where'd they get the budget for this?"

1407. But she says to me, "I think that's his face."

1408. And I said, "No, babe, you're nuts.

1409. "That's gotta be some sort of get-up."

1410. Like the whole time I'm watching the show,

1411. I'm sitting there thinking,

1412. "Is that real or is it some kind of weird effect?"

1413. I mean, I couldn't believe it either way.

1414. Man, I didn't know what I even wanted it to be.

1415. So what was it like, uh, working with him?

1416. I guess underneath all that, right,

1417. he's just a regular guy.

1418. Wonder if the guy that wrote the play,

1419. knew him before he wrote it,

1420. or if he just came up with a character like that

1421. on his own and just hoped the right guy would

1422. come along by chance.

1423. Right? Seems risky to me.

1424. Right? How do you go about finding that guy, right?

1425. Looks exactly how you envision.

1426. He can act too, right?

1427. I mean, how do you even describe him?

1428. What if they wanna put the show on in Boise?

1429. Like to fly that guy out? What if he's dead?

1430. They have to find the Idaho version of him.

1431. I don't know, would a mask work?

1432. Is that gonna be convincing?

1433. Would another guy with some other affliction,

1434. do just as well?

1435. I don't know. Maybe they just cast,

1436. uh, you know, regular guy like you, right?

1437. Or me, right? The way they do Shakespeare now

1438. with Black people, right?

1439. That puts a different kind of spin on it.

1440. So I'm thinking all this stuff during the show, right?

1441. I mean, to be honest with you, three hours ago,

1442. I'm saying to myself, "Do I really wanna go

1443. "and sit in an un-air conditioned theater,

1444. "for God knows how long,

1445. "to see some little play I've never heard of?"

1446. But it's our anniversary.

1447. And now I'm thinking all this shit,

1448. so that's how I know it's an interesting play.

1449. Whoa!

1450. Goddammit.

1451. Bloody hell.

1452. Bollocks. Bollocks.

1453. Fuck.

1454. Look, you said it yourself.

1455. How can he become you? You're nothing alike.

1456. It's not believable, and it's not necessary.

1457. She loves him for who he is.

1458. It was contrived.

1459. I still think the idea is theoretically sound.

1460. Though, what we didn't count on,

1461. and this might just stem from me being a novice,

1462. is that the audience has just spent two hours,

1463. rooting for Edward.

1464. Which, in this particular iteration, is me.

1465. If someone else then walks out and goes,

1466. "Oh, I'm Edward now,"

1467. even if it's Sir Kenneth Branagh, or whomever,

1468. the audience will feel cheated.

1469. We've broken our pact with them.

1470. They'll rightly rebel.

1471. Look, I still wanna be friends,

1472. and I'll keep you in mind for future projects.

1473. The mask is mine.

1474. I'm keeping it.

1475. I've always liked that mask.

1476. Brilliant mask.

1477. You know what I think?

1478. I think Les Mis is a masterpiece.

1479. Uh, The Book of Mormon is hysterically funny.

1480. What are you... Do you have any plans for...

1481. Where's the blind guy?

1482. What are you doing here?

1483. - Why are you so upset? - Why are you here?

1484. Why was Oswald here?

1485. How... How'd you...

1486. What business is that of yours?

1487. I know because I know.

1488. I was passing by and...

1489. I don't have to explain myself to you.

1490. What do you know about him? Hmm? Who is he?

1491. Is his name even Oswald?

1492. 'Cause let me tell you something,

1493. he's got a kid and a girl.

1494. He was kissing this other girl,

1495. and they were walking in the park.

1496. He's leading a double life. What do you think of that?

1497. Well, first of all, that's Jolie,

1498. Oswald's ex-wife and mother to his daughter, Kelly.

1499. And they're still really good friends.

1500. And as it happens,

1501. Oswald is moving in there.

1502. Mr. Sablosky had an accident, and Oswald's been needing

1503. a place to stay. I don't even know why

1504. I'm bothering to explain this to you.

1505. We don't have anything more to say to each other.

1506. I'm sorry.

1507. What the fuck are you doing?

1508. You gotta get the fuck outta here, man.

1509. Oh, well, I happen to be Edward now.

1510. And this here is Guy.

1511. Guy...

1512. he's a masterful actor.

1513. Thank you man! Yes.

1514. Yes, you are...

1515. Kenneth Branagh.

1516. Come on. Come along, now.

1517. Chop, chop. Chop, chop, shake a leg.

1518. Shake a leg.

1519. What do you think?

1520. Hoo!

1521. Is it smashing?

1522. Or is it smashing?

1523. Do you like this room, little girl?

1524. I know it's quite small and petite like you.

1525. It's a room where you can do anything you want.

1526. You know that right?

1527. Do you know Peppa Pig? Hmm?

1528. Aw, she's a little nervous. She's shy.

1529. Naturally, it's a bit disappointing,

1530. but I really do hope we can all remain friendly.

1531. I harbor no ill feelings.

1532. Let us keep our hatreds for the common enemy.

1533. Cheers!

1534. Thank you.

1535. - Can you... - Much obliged!

1536. - Okay. - Jesus. Unplug it.

1537. Righty then.

1538. Fear is a reaction.

1539. Courage is a decision.

1540. I'll miss you most all, darling.

1541. - What the fuck? - Ta-ta, for now!

1542. Maybe we'll ride to glory together.

1543. Whatever you say, my darling.

1544. Excuse me, old chap.

1545. I think you're kissing my girl!

1546. Ah, it appears my understudy has had a bit too much to drink.

1547. Understudy? No, no, no, no.

1548. Maybe we could talk about this after the...

1549. No, no, no. No, understudy.

1550. - After the performance. - I'm Edward!

1551. - You... - You're not Edward.

1552. - Okay, you're Edward. - No, no.

1553. - You're Edward. - This is my red door.

1554. - This is my couch. - You're Edward.

1555. These are my lines! Come here!

1556. You stole my life!

1557. Get off me!

1558. - He's got everything! - What the hell, Guy!

1559. - No! I'm Edward! - Calm down,

1560. - and we can talk about this. - I'm Edward.

1561. Okay, okay.

1562. Okay, let go! Let go!

1563. I'm gonna leave. I'm gonna leave.

1564. Everything's fine. If you sit down, we can talk.

1565. No!

1566. Take yours off!

1567. - Take yours off! - Take what off?

1568. - Take yours off! - Take what off?

1569. Get over here!

1570. Guy.

1571. No!

1572. Oh my God. Guy!

1573. Oh, no. What have I done? What have I done?

1574. No! Guy! No, Guy!

1575. What have I done?

1576. I don't know my own strength.

1577. Guy! Guy.

1578. I know I keep saying it, man,

1579. but it is such an honor.

1580. Oh, truly, the honor is all ours.

1581. We couldn't be more excited.

1582. I mean, frankly, I think

1583. - you should be playing it. - Oh, no.

1584. - I wouldn't dream of it. - No, honestly, I think

1585. you got something special.

1586. Real charisma.

1587. I mean, it takes a name

1588. to get these things funded, as you know.

1589. But I want you to know,

1590. it's important to me to get it right.

1591. And that's why I wanted to spend some time with you,

1592. and, you know, uh,

1593. not study really, but observe, ask questions.

1594. Ah, research,

1595. as they say in the biz.

1596. Well, I think it's important for you

1597. to interpret this as you want.

1598. - Right. - I mean, Edward was

1599. envisioned by Ingrid, and what I was doing earlier,

1600. Guy here completely pioneered.

1601. - Right on. - I'm interpreting Guy,

1602. interpreting Ingrid.

1603. And you're just the next and final step

1604. in the evolutionary process.

1605. Yeah, that's really cool.

1606. I'd love to ask you some questions, too.

1607. Really cool. Kind of a collaborative thing.

1608. Will they be using some... Some mask

1609. - or makeup of some sort? - Why?

1610. Uh, I don't know.

1611. It's beyond my pay grade.

1612. I'm... I'm not really part of those discussions.

1613. They can do a lot these days to make it look real.

1614. Pretty real.

1615. But, you know, I don't worry about that stuff.

1616. I think as long as I do my job getting Edward right,

1617. it'll come through.

1618. - The rest is just icing. - Very true.

1619. Cheers. Mmm.

1620. Cheers.

1621. It's not working.

1622. - Whoo! - Fuck!

1623. - Fuck. - Number one.

1624. That's a cool typewriter.

1625. You can have it.

1626. I wish I had a woman, too,

1627. walking with me under the moon

1628. and holding my arm and smiling,

1629. and then I dream and I forget.

1630. And then I see the shadow of my profile on the wall.

1631. There you go. Step in.

1632. Good man.

1633. Other foot. Perfect.

1634. All right. Nice and easy, here we go.

1635. One foot after the other.

1636. - Perfect. Rock on. - Gonna go shopping.

1637. - Anyone need anything? - Uh, no, thanks.

1638. I'm heading out. You guys need anything?

1639. I just asked.

1640. Well, if something changes, give me a call.

1641. I'm gonna get out your hair.

1642. - I'll walk you out. - I'll be back around 8:00.

1643. Toodle-oo.

1644. What the fuck is

1645. going on in here?

1646. What's going on with his face?

1647. Fuck, I mean, is he rich or something?

1648. Like, what does she...

1649. Is she...

1650. That's the craziest shit I ever saw.

1651. Forgot my headphones. Sorry, sorry.

1652. You guys carry right on.

1653. No problem, boss.

1654. You know, let's pause for a second,

1655. I gotta take a leak.

1656. Keep going. Just put one foot in front of the other.

1657. Hey, man, do you mind if I grab

1658. one of these seltzers?

1659. I heard noises.

1660. Next shot, I got you.

1661. Oh!

1662. Hey man, nice shoes.

1663. Where's Fort Lee, man? New Jersey.

1664. Where's your manners?

1665. Man, you must have had some ugly parents.

1666. I hope you die of cancer,

1667. and your ugly children die of cancer.

1668. And your whole ugly bloodline of, uh,

1669. ugly degenerates wiped off the face

1670. of God's beautiful earth.

1671. Nice shoes, man.

1672. Nice shoes.

1673. Do I believe my eyes?

1674. Yeah, we adopted Lucy, her... Her daughter.

1675. And, uh, it's crazy to even say it.

1676. She's in grad school now.

1677. She is.

1678. Oh, you have to come and see the play, Guy.

1679. - Don't pressure him. - He wants to come.

1680. - Right, Guy? - Oh, yeah, of course.

1681. When... When are you free? Tonight?

1682. - When... What time? - 8:00 p.m., sharp.

1683. - All right. - You can sit with me.

1684. - You're not in it? - No.

1685. No, I'm no actor. I mean, sure, Edward.

1686. But that whole thing was...

1687. What a piece of shit. I don't even allow people

1688. to perform that anymore.

1689. No, no, no. It was your precocious early work,

1690. and it brought us together, so it served that noble cause.

1691. Thank God, they didn't make that movie.

1692. Oh, I was so disappointed.

1693. I really wanted to see that guy try and play me.

1694. But anyway, it's brilliant we bumped into you,

1695. 'cause we're actually moving away next month

1696. when the play wraps.

1697. Where? Where are you going?

1698. To Canada. A place called Shepperton.

1699. Have you heard of it?

1700. It could be described as a nudist colony.

1701. Yeah. It's only a part of it. Small part of it.

1702. But yeah, basically we'll be...

1703. As God intended.

1704. Why?

1705. Well, it's a long story. We met this woman

1706. - when we were... - Going through the Andes.

1707. Yeah. And it turns out she's this incredible person

1708. with followers and all that.

1709. And it's kind of this ecological philosophy.

1710. And... And... And free love.

1711. - Yes, but also it's... - And LSD.

1712. - Sometimes, yeah, but it's... - Yep. Have you done LSD, Guy?

1713. Wha... What about like bad trips?

1714. Yeah, it's possible.

1715. But it's all really down to how you frame it, Guy.

1716. I don't think he could handle it.

1717. Yeah. He just needs someone to lead him through it is all.

1718. - Which I can do. - Recently certified.

1719. And what about your kids?

1720. - No. - Yeah, no.

1721. They say it's a cult.

1722. Yeah. I mean, you probably think

1723. it's a cult, too, right?

1724. Well, I... I guess it sounds

1725. - a little like a cult. - I mean, yeah, sure,

1726. if you paint it in like broad brush strokes.

1727. But it's... It's really quite leaderless.

1728. But what about this, uh, Andes woman,

1729. - isn't she like the leader? - Founder.

1730. Yes, she set it all in motion.

1731. But it's... It's...

1732. She's not a guru in the... Well, she's sort of a guru.

1733. Yes. She's a guru in the pure sense.

1734. Yeah, see we can't talk about it without sounding...

1735. Absolutely bonkers.

1736. Yeah. But honestly,

1737. It's... It's... It's paradise.

1738. Actual paradise.

1739. - Like utopia. - Yeah, utopia.

1740. - Closest thing to it. - Yeah.

1741. And what about your career?

1742. Well, I've accomplished everything I've ever wanted...

1743. I'm... I'm ready for the next phase.

1744. I mean, all she wants to do now,

1745. is take LSD and fuck all the time.

1746. I mean, you know...

1747. Enough about us, what's going on with you?

1748. - Tell us everything. - Yeah.

1749. Well, I mean. I don't know. Um...

1750. Do we know what we would like tonight?

1751. What are you thinking, Edward?

1752. Uh, you... You go ahead. I'm... I'm still, um...

1753. Okay. Well, we're celebrating,

1754. so we're gonna need some more sake.

1755. Let's do another bottle of the Dassai Hayata.

1756. And for the table, the wakame,

1757. the agedashi tofu,

1758. and he needs to try the uni toast.

1759. And an order of the hamachi kama, why not.

1760. And for my entree,

1761. let's go with the wagyu flight.

1762. A miso black cod for me, please. Thank you.

1763. And for you sir?

1764. Um...

1765. Do you need a minute?

1766. Yeah. I, uh...

1767. Oh, my old friend.

1768. You haven't changed a bit.