1. There it is.Copy !req
2. My house
at good old Cleveland Street.Copy !req
3. How could I ever forget it?Copy !req
4. And there I am,
with that dumb, round face . . .Copy !req
5. . . . and that stupid stocking cap.Copy !req
6. But no matter.
Christmas was on its way.Copy !req
7. Lovely, glorious, beautiful Christmas,
around which the entire kid year revolved.Copy !req
8. Downtown Hohman was prepared
for its yearly bacchanalia . . .Copy !req
9. . . . of peace on Earth
and goodwill to men.Copy !req
10. Higbees' corner window
was traditionally a high-water mark . . .Copy !req
11. . . . of the pre-Christmas season.Copy !req
12. First-nighters,
packed earmuff to earmuff . . .Copy !req
13. . . . jostled in wonderment
before a golden, tinkling display . . .Copy !req
14. . . . of mechanized, electronic joy.Copy !req
15. There it is.Copy !req
16. The holy grail of Christmas gifts.Copy !req
17. The Red Ryder 200-shot range
model air rifle.Copy !req
18. And there he is.Copy !req
19. Red Ryder himself.Copy !req
20. In his hand was the knurled stock . . .Copy !req
21. . . . of as coolly, deadly looking a piece
of weaponry as ever I had laid eyes on.Copy !req
22. For weeks, I had been scheming
to get my mitts . . .Copy !req
23. . . . on one of these fearsome
blue-steel beauties.Copy !req
24. My fevered brain seethed
with the effort of trying to come up . . .Copy !req
25. . . . with the infinitely
subtle devices necessary . . .Copy !req
26. . . .to implant the Red Ryder
range model air rifle indelibly . . .Copy !req
27. . . . into my parents' subconscious.Copy !req
28. Ralphie! Randy!Copy !req
29. Down here in two minutes.Copy !req
30. And I mean two minutes.Copy !req
31. Come on, Ralphie! I got here first!Copy !req
32. Cut it out.Copy !req
33. My mother, grabbing for her copy
of Look magazine . . .Copy !req
34. . . . would find herself cleverly trapped
into reading a Red Ryder sales pitch.Copy !req
35. They traded Bullfrog.
I don't believe it.Copy !req
36. What's that?Copy !req
37. Well, for chrissakes,
the Sox traded Bullfrog . . .Copy !req
38. . . . the only player they've got,
for Shottenhoffer.Copy !req
39. Four Eyes Shottenhoffer,
utility infielder.Copy !req
40. Got a whole goddamned team
of utility infielders.Copy !req
41. That's nice.Copy !req
42. Ralphie, on the double!Copy !req
43. Did you hear about this guy
who swallowed a yo-yo?Copy !req
44. Swallowed a yo-yo?Copy !req
45. Yeah, on a bet.Copy !req
46. Some clodhopper
down in Griffith, Indiana.Copy !req
47. Boy, they write the silliest things
in the newspapers.Copy !req
48. What do you mean silly?Copy !req
49. I mean, that's real news.Copy !req
50. That's not like that politics slop.Copy !req
51. What is the name
of the Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?Copy !req
52. Victor. His name is Victor.Copy !req
53. How the hell did you know that?Copy !req
54. Everybody knows that.Copy !req
55. Is that another
one of your silly puzzles?Copy !req
56. Yeah, it's another
one of my silly puzzles.Copy !req
57. Could be worth 50, 000 bucks.Copy !req
58. What kind is it this time?Copy !req
59. Name the great characters
in American literature.Copy !req
60. - Victor?
- Yeah.Copy !req
61. The Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?Copy !req
62. Meanwhile, I struggled
for exactly the right BB gun hint.Copy !req
63. It had to be firm, but subtle.Copy !req
64. Flick says he saw some grizzly bears
near Pulaski's candy store.Copy !req
65. They looked at me as if
I had lobsters crawling out of my ears.Copy !req
66. I could tell I was in imminent danger
of overplaying my hand.Copy !req
67. Casually, I switched tactics.Copy !req
68. Hey, Dad.Copy !req
69. I'll bet you'll never guess
what I got for you for Christmas.Copy !req
70. A new furnace.Copy !req
71. That's a good one, Dad.Copy !req
72. My old man was one of the most feared
furnace fighters in Northern Indiana.Copy !req
73. Hurry up,
you're gonna be late for school.Copy !req
74. Yeah, yeah. I'm running late already.Copy !req
75. Round one was over.Copy !req
76. Parents, one. Kids, zip.Copy !req
77. I could feel the Christmas noose
beginning to tighten.Copy !req
78. Maybe what happened next
was inevitable.Copy !req
79. Ralphie,
what would you like for Christmas?Copy !req
80. Horrified, I heard myself blurt it out.Copy !req
81. I want an official Red Ryder
carbine action 200-range model air rifle.Copy !req
82. No. Shoot your eye out.Copy !req
83. Oh, no, it was the classic
mother BB gun block:Copy !req
84. "You'll shoot your eye out."Copy !req
85. That deadly phrase
uttered many times before . . .Copy !req
86. . . .by hundreds of mothers
was not surmountable . . .Copy !req
87. . . .by any means known to Kid-dom.Copy !req
88. But such was my mania,
my desire for a Red Ryder carbine . . .Copy !req
89. . . . that I immediately began
to rebuild the dike.Copy !req
90. I was just kidding.Copy !req
91. Even though Flick is getting one.Copy !req
92. I guess I'd just like some Tinkertoys.Copy !req
93. I couldn't believe my own ears.
Tinkertoys?Copy !req
94. She'd never buy it.Copy !req
95. BB guns are dangerous.Copy !req
96. I don't want anybody
shooting his eye out.Copy !req
97. Randy, will you eat?Copy !req
98. There are starving people in China.Copy !req
99. Mothers know nothing
about creeping marauders . . .Copy !req
100. . . . burrowing through the snow
toward the kitchen . . .Copy !req
101. . . . where only you and you alone . . .Copy !req
102. . . . stand between your tiny,
huddled family and insensate evil.Copy !req
103. Save us.Copy !req
104. Save us, Ralphie.Copy !req
105. I just knowed those bad guys
would be coming for us in the end.Copy !req
106. Don't worry, Dad.
As long as I got Ol' Blue.Copy !req
107. Well, now,
what have we got here, folks?Copy !req
108. Well, we figure it's Black Bart, Ralph.Copy !req
109. Well, just me and my trusty
old Red Ryder carbine action . . .Copy !req
110. . . .200-shot range model air rifle.Copy !req
111. Lucky I got a compass in the stock.Copy !req
112. - Well, I think I better have a look here.
- Don't worry, son.Copy !req
113. - Oh, no, it's Ol' Blue.
- Ol' Blue.Copy !req
114. Oh, no.Copy !req
115. Seize him, boys! The jig is up!Copy !req
116. Killed another one.
Oh, he's a deadeye, ain't he?Copy !req
117. He's getting him.Copy !req
118. Okay, Ralphie.Copy !req
119. You win this time, but we'll be back.Copy !req
120. Adiós, Bart.Copy !req
121. But if you do come back,
you'll be pushing up daisies.Copy !req
122. - And don't you forget it.
- Well, son, you saved us.Copy !req
123. We were goners for sure.Copy !req
124. And you saved us.Copy !req
125. Hallelujah!Copy !req
126. Go on! Beat it!Copy !req
127. The Olds. Nothing but Oldsmobile.
That pile of junk.Copy !req
128. That goddamned Olds
has froze up again.Copy !req
129. Some men are Baptists,
others Catholics.Copy !req
130. My father was an Oldsmobile man.Copy !req
131. That son of a bitch would freeze up
in the middle of summer on the equator.Copy !req
132. - Little pitchers.
- And hold it!Copy !req
133. It's a clinker!Copy !req
134. That blasted stupid furnace.Copy !req
135. Dadgum it.Copy !req
136. Damn skates.Copy !req
137. Oh, for chrissake,
open up the damper, will you?Copy !req
138. Who the hell turned it
all the way down, again?Copy !req
139. Oh, blast it!Copy !req
140. Blurred rattle crash camel flirt!Copy !req
141. You block-head battled piece
jerk off trash!Copy !req
142. In the heat of battle, my father
wove a tapestry of obscenity . . .Copy !req
143. . . . that, as far as we know . . .Copy !req
144. . . .is still hanging in space
over Lake Michigan.Copy !req
145. Gollywop-dopter-crop-dop-
fratenhouse-stickelfeiffer!Copy !req
146. Well, preparing to go to school . . .Copy !req
147. . . . was like getting ready
for extended deep-sea diving.Copy !req
148. Come on, Mom, we're gonna be late.Copy !req
149. All right, Ralph.Copy !req
150. My kid brother
looked like a tick about to pop.Copy !req
151. What?Copy !req
152. What is it?Copy !req
153. - What is it?
- I can't put my arms down.Copy !req
154. Well, put your arms down
when you get to school.Copy !req
155. Goddamn it! You . . . .Copy !req
156. Hey, Flick, wait up. Wait up.Copy !req
157. So, what are you doing?Copy !req
158. What does it look like I'm doing,
picking goobers?Copy !req
159. Hey, listen, smartass.Copy !req
160. I asked my old man about sticking
your tongue to metal light poles in winter.Copy !req
161. And he says it will freeze
right to the pole, just like I told you.Copy !req
162. Baloney. What would your old man
know about anything?Copy !req
163. He knows
because he once saw a guy . . .Copy !req
164. . . . stick his tongue
to a railroad track on a bet.Copy !req
165. And the fire department had to come
to get the guy's tongue off the track.Copy !req
166. Because he couldn't get it off.Copy !req
167. Come on, guys, wait up!Copy !req
168. Come on, guys!Copy !req
169. - Come on, guys, wait up.
- Out of the way, kid.Copy !req
170. Hey, kid.Copy !req
171. I can't get up.Copy !req
172. I can't get up!Copy !req
173. Ralph! Hey!Copy !req
174. I can't get up, Ralphie!Copy !req
175. Come on, Flick, wait up for me.Copy !req
176. I can't get up!Copy !req
177. Ralph! Hey!Copy !req
178. - Come on, get up. Sit up. Come on.
- I can't get up.Copy !req
179. You're okay. Come on, let's go.
Come on, you're all right.Copy !req
180. Miss Shields.Copy !req
181. Miss Shields, Miss Shields.Copy !req
182. All right, everyone,
take your seats, please.Copy !req
183. Good morning, class.Copy !req
184. Good morning, Miss Shields.Copy !req
185. Open your books to page 32.Copy !req
186. And as you'll remember,
Silas Marner—Copy !req
187. You're full of beans
and so is your old man.Copy !req
188. - Oh, yeah?
- Yeah!Copy !req
189. - Says who?
- Says me.Copy !req
190. - Oh, yeah?
- Yeah!Copy !req
191. Well, I double-dare you.Copy !req
192. The exact exchange and nuance
of phrase in this ritual is very important.Copy !req
193. Are you kidding?Copy !req
194. Stick my tongue to that stupid pole?
That's dumb.Copy !req
195. That's because you know it will stick.Copy !req
196. - You're full of it.
- Oh, yeah?Copy !req
197. - Yeah.
- Well, I double-dog dare you!Copy !req
198. Now it was serious.
A double-dog dare.Copy !req
199. What else was left
but a triple dare you?Copy !req
200. And finally, the coup de grâce
of all dares:Copy !req
201. - The sinister triple-dog dare.
- You guys are really dumb.Copy !req
202. I triple-dog dare you!Copy !req
203. Schwartz created a slight breach
of etiquette . . .Copy !req
204. . . .by skipping the triple dare
and going right for the throat.Copy !req
205. All right, all right.Copy !req
206. Come on, kid.Copy !req
207. Well, go on, smartass, and do it.Copy !req
208. I'm going, I'm going.Copy !req
209. Flick's spine stiffened,
his lips curled in a defiant sneer.Copy !req
210. There was no going back now.Copy !req
211. This is no—Copy !req
212. Stuck? Stuck? Stuck!Copy !req
213. Stuck! Stuck! Stuck!Copy !req
214. Stuck!Copy !req
215. - Stuck! Stuck!
- Geez. It really works.Copy !req
216. - Look at him.
- It's stuck!Copy !req
217. Hey, what have I done?Copy !req
218. Don't leave, come back.Copy !req
219. - Come back. Don't leave me. Come back.
- But the bell rang.Copy !req
220. What are we gonna do?Copy !req
221. - I don't know. The bell rang.
- Yeah.Copy !req
222. Hey, don't leave me. Come back!Copy !req
223. Come back! Come back.Copy !req
224. Where's Flick?Copy !req
225. Has anyone seen Flick?Copy !req
226. Flick? Flick who?Copy !req
227. He was at recess, wasn't he?Copy !req
228. Ralphie, do you know where Flick is?Copy !req
229. I said, has anyone seen Flick?Copy !req
230. Yes, Esther Jane?Copy !req
231. Oh, my God.Copy !req
232. Holy cow, it's the fire department.Copy !req
233. Oh, no.Copy !req
234. Wow, it's the cops.Copy !req
235. Now, I know that some of you
put Flick up to this.Copy !req
236. But he has refused to say who.Copy !req
237. But those who did it
know their blame.Copy !req
238. And I'm sure that the guilt you feel
is far worse . . .Copy !req
239. . . . than any punishment
you might receive.Copy !req
240. Now, don't you feel terrible?Copy !req
241. Don't you feel remorse
for what you have done?Copy !req
242. Well, that's all I'm going to say
about poor Flick.Copy !req
243. Adults love to say things like that,
but kids know better.Copy !req
244. We knew darn well it was always better
not to get caught.Copy !req
245. Now, boys and girls,
I'm going to give you an assignment.Copy !req
246. I want you to write a theme.Copy !req
247. "What I Want for Christmas."Copy !req
248. The clouds lifted.Copy !req
249. And I want it handed in
tomorrow morning . . . .Copy !req
250. I saw a faint gleam of light . . .Copy !req
251. . . .at the other end
of the black cave of doom.Copy !req
252. I knew that when Miss Shields read
my magnificent, eloquent theme . . .Copy !req
253. . . . that she would sympathize
with my plight . . .Copy !req
254. . . . and everything
would work out somehow.Copy !req
255. Boy, did you see how it stuck?Copy !req
256. Did it hurt, Flick?Copy !req
257. No. I never felt a thing.Copy !req
258. It just caught me off-guard.Copy !req
259. You sure were bawling.Copy !req
260. I never bawled.Copy !req
261. Baloney.Copy !req
262. Scut Farkus.Copy !req
263. Scut Farkus. What a rotten name.Copy !req
264. We were trapped.Copy !req
265. There he stood,
between us and the alley.Copy !req
266. Scut Farkus, staring out at us
with his yellow eyes.Copy !req
267. He had yellow eyes.Copy !req
268. So help me, God, yellow eyes.Copy !req
269. Grover Dill,
Farkus' crummy little toady.Copy !req
270. Mean, rotten.
His lips curled over his green teeth.Copy !req
271. Randy lay there like a slug.Copy !req
272. It was his only defense.Copy !req
273. - Say uncle.
- Uncle.Copy !req
274. - Uncle.
- Uncle!Copy !req
275. - Louder!
- Come on, get up. Now.Copy !req
276. - Louder!
- Uncle!Copy !req
277. - Louder.
- Uncle!Copy !req
278. In our world,
you were either a bully, a toady . . .Copy !req
279. . . . or one of the nameless rabble
of victims.Copy !req
280. All right, who's next?Copy !req
281. Man.Copy !req
282. In the jungles of Kid-dom,
the mind switches gears rapidly.Copy !req
283. Weeks ago, I had sent away . . .Copy !req
284. . . . for my Little Orphan Annie
secret society decoder pin.Copy !req
285. Oh, skunked again.Copy !req
286. No matter.
Today, I had serious work to do.Copy !req
287. "What I want for Christmas.Copy !req
288. What I want for Christmas
is a Red Ryder BB gun . . .Copy !req
289. . . . with a compass in the stock,
and this thing which tells time."Copy !req
290. Wow, that's great.Copy !req
291. "I think that everybody
should have a Red Ryder BB gun.Copy !req
292. They're very good for Christmas.Copy !req
293. I don't think that a football's
a very good Christmas present."Copy !req
294. Rarely had the words poured
from my penny pencil . . .Copy !req
295. . . . with such feverish fluidity.Copy !req
296. I've won, I've won, I've won!
Hey, go on now.Copy !req
297. Get out of here, you—!Copy !req
298. I've won, I've won.Copy !req
299. The Bumpus hounds.Copy !req
300. Our hillbilly neighbors, the Bumpuses,
had at least 785 smelly hound dogs.Copy !req
301. And they ignored every other
human being on earth but my old man.Copy !req
302. Dumb dogs. Get.Copy !req
303. I won. I won.Copy !req
304. - I won, I won, I won!
- What? What is it? What?Copy !req
305. A major prize, a major prize.
I won, I won, I won!Copy !req
306. Hey, look at that. Look at that.
A Western Union telegram.Copy !req
307. Tonight tonight is gonna be the night
Tonight tonight hot damn tonightCopy !req
308. - What does this mean here?
- It means it's coming tonight!Copy !req
309. I called Ernie McClosky
at the freight depot.Copy !req
310. He said that the telegram was late,
the prize was there, he'll send it on tonight.Copy !req
311. Come on, have a chew, fellas, on me.
It's my gift.Copy !req
312. You know, maybe it'll be one of those
Spanish adobe houses down Coral Gate—Copy !req
313. Serves you right, you smelly buggers.Copy !req
314. Or it could be a bowling alley.Copy !req
315. You know, a guy on Terre Haute
won a bowling alley.Copy !req
316. How are they gonna deliver
a bowling alley here tonight?Copy !req
317. They could send the deed
for chrissake.Copy !req
318. I mean, I didn't expect they were gonna
send the whole damn bowling alley.Copy !req
319. Yeah, well, how about eating, huh?
I'm starving to death.Copy !req
320. Getting rich is hard work, kid.
Come on.Copy !req
321. Every family has a kid who won't eat.Copy !req
322. My kid brother had not eaten voluntarily
in over three years.Copy !req
323. Oh, Randy, don't play
with your food, eat it.Copy !req
324. Gee.Copy !req
325. Starving people
would be happy to have that.Copy !req
326. Can I have some more red cabbage?Copy !req
327. You stop playing with your food,
or I'll give you something to cry about.Copy !req
328. You better stop fooling around
with that and eat it, or you'll be sorry.Copy !req
329. Can I please have some more?Copy !req
330. My mother had not had a hot meal
for herself in 15 years.Copy !req
331. Meat loaf, smeetloaf, double beetloaf.Copy !req
332. I hate meat loaf.Copy !req
333. All right.
All right, I'll get that kid to eat.Copy !req
334. Where's my screwdriver
and my plumber's helper?Copy !req
335. - I'll open up his mouth and shove it in.
- Randy.Copy !req
336. My mother was more subtle.Copy !req
337. How do the little piggies go?Copy !req
338. That's right:Copy !req
339. Now, show me how the piggies eat.
This is your trough.Copy !req
340. Show me how the piggies eat.Copy !req
341. Be a good boy.
Show Mommy how the piggies eat.Copy !req
342. Oh, my God.Copy !req
343. Mommy's little piggy.Copy !req
344. It is here.Copy !req
345. - Yeah.
- Are you Parker?Copy !req
346. - Yeah.
- All right, sign here, will you?Copy !req
347. - Well, what is it?
- I don't know.Copy !req
348. What's in it?Copy !req
349. Here. Bring it in, huh?Copy !req
350. Okay, boys. Haul that on in here.
Move your tails.Copy !req
351. Yeah. Bring it right on in. Right here.Copy !req
352. Bring it ahead.
Straight ahead. That's right.Copy !req
353. - Right.
- Here, bring it right, right on in, fellas.Copy !req
354. That's it. Here we go.Copy !req
355. A little more.Copy !req
356. A little more. That's it.Copy !req
357. Watch the lady.Copy !req
358. - That's it.
- Thanks a lot, guys. Merry Christmas.Copy !req
359. - Get the crowbar and a hammer, Ralphie.
- Okay.Copy !req
360. "Fragile."Copy !req
361. - It must be Italian.
- I think that says fragile, honey.Copy !req
362. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
363. Here we go.Copy !req
364. Jeez, they really did a job on this,
you know?Copy !req
365. No, here, Ralph, hold that.Copy !req
366. Here we go.Copy !req
367. Honey, there could be
anything in there.Copy !req
368. Jesus.Copy !req
369. Maybe they forgot.Copy !req
370. No, it's in there.
It's gotta be in there.Copy !req
371. Oh, boy. Oh, boy, oh, boy.Copy !req
372. - What?
- Would you look at that?Copy !req
373. What is it?Copy !req
374. Well, it's a leg.Copy !req
375. But what is it?Copy !req
376. Well, it's a leg.
You know, like in a statue.Copy !req
377. - Statue?
- Yeah, statue.Copy !req
378. Yeah, statue.Copy !req
379. Ralphie . . . .Copy !req
380. My mother was trying
to insinuate herself . . .Copy !req
381. . . . between us and the statue.Copy !req
382. Holy smoke, would you . . . ?Copy !req
383. Do you know what this is?Copy !req
384. This is a lamp.Copy !req
385. - It was indeed a lamp.
- Isn't that great?Copy !req
386. What a great lamp.Copy !req
387. Well, I don't know.Copy !req
388. Here, hold it. Hold it. Here, go on.Copy !req
389. The old man's eyes boggled . . .Copy !req
390. . . . overcome by art.Copy !req
391. And I know just the place for it.Copy !req
392. Right in the middle
of our front-room window.Copy !req
393. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
394. Watch it.Copy !req
395. Yeah, let's see.Copy !req
396. Oh, Jesus, God.Copy !req
397. - Oh, honey?
- No. It's all right. It's all right.Copy !req
398. It's all right.Copy !req
399. Let's see . . . .Copy !req
400. This goes to the radio . . .Copy !req
401. . . . and this goes to, and this goes—Copy !req
402. - Well, it's just one too many.
- One is tough, yeah.Copy !req
403. Well, let's see.Copy !req
404. The snap of a few sparks,
a quick whiff of ozone . . .Copy !req
405. . . . and the lamp blazed forth
in unparalleled glory.Copy !req
406. Oh, look at that. Will you look at that?
Isn't that glorious?Copy !req
407. It's indescribably beautiful.Copy !req
408. It reminds me of the Fourth of July.
Turn off all the lights.Copy !req
409. I wanna see
what it looks like from the street.Copy !req
410. - I'll go get the dining room.
- Couldn't we talk this over?Copy !req
411. Honey . . . .Copy !req
412. Move it a little bit to the right.Copy !req
413. Yeah. A little that way.Copy !req
414. Just a little more to the right.Copy !req
415. Yeah. More. That's it. No, stop.
Right there. That's wonderful.Copy !req
416. Hey, Parker, what is that?Copy !req
417. Don't bother me now, Swede.
I'm busy.Copy !req
418. - Yeah, but what is that?
- It's a major award.Copy !req
419. A major award?Copy !req
420. Shucks, I wouldn't have knowed that.
It looks like a lamp.Copy !req
421. Well, it is a lamp, you nincompoop.Copy !req
422. But it's a major award. I won it.Copy !req
423. - Damn, hell, you say you won it?
- Yeah.Copy !req
424. Yeah, mind power, Swede, mind power.Copy !req
425. The entire neighborhood
was turned on.Copy !req
426. Oh, you should see what it looks like
from out here.Copy !req
427. It could be seen up and down
Cleveland Street.Copy !req
428. The symbol of the old man's victory.Copy !req
429. Yeah, he won that.
It's a major award.Copy !req
430. Isn't it about time
for somebody's favorite radio program?Copy !req
431. - Yeah.
- Yeah.Copy !req
432. Holy smokes, it was 6:45.Copy !req
433. Only one thing
could've dragged me away . . .Copy !req
434. . . . from the soft glow of electric sex
gleaming in the window.Copy !req
435. Who's the little chatter boxCopy !req
436. The one with pretty auburn locks?Copy !req
437. Whom do you see?
It's Little Orphan AnnieCopy !req
438. Kids, it's Little Orphan Annie time.Copy !req
439. Brought to you by rich,
chocolatey Ovaltine.Copy !req
440. I could still taste it.Copy !req
441. Hey, you turned the light off.Copy !req
442. It's Little Orphan AnnieCopy !req
443. Come on, you guys, wait up.Copy !req
444. I knew I was handing Miss Shields
a masterpiece.Copy !req
445. Maybe Miss Shields in her ecstasy . . .Copy !req
446. . . . would excuse me from theme writing
for the rest of my natural life.Copy !req
447. F!Copy !req
448. You call this a paragraph?
Margins, margins, margins.Copy !req
449. F!Copy !req
450. My life's work down the drain.Copy !req
451. A semicolon, you dolt. A period.Copy !req
452. Oh, F.Copy !req
453. I should weep
if I have to read one more F.Copy !req
454. Ralphie Parker.Copy !req
455. The theme I've been waiting
for all my life.Copy !req
456. Listen to this sentence.Copy !req
457. "A Red Ryder BB gun
with a compass in the stock . . .Copy !req
458. . . . and this thing which tells time."Copy !req
459. Poetry. Sheer poetry.Copy !req
460. Ralph, an A plus.Copy !req
461. My Ralph. Oh, Ralphie,
you've made me well.Copy !req
462. A plus.Copy !req
463. Ralph.Copy !req
464. Ralphie.Copy !req
465. Ralph.Copy !req
466. Is there something you want, Ralph?Copy !req
467. I'm just turning in my theme.Copy !req
468. Oh, well, you can take your seat now.Copy !req
469. Take your seat.Copy !req
470. You're a genius.Copy !req
471. Come on, you guys. Wait up.Copy !req
472. Okay. Come on. Come on.Copy !req
473. Come on.Copy !req
474. - Get in the car. Get in the car.
- Yeah.Copy !req
475. If we don't hurry,
we're gonna miss all the good trees!Copy !req
476. Go on, go on.Copy !req
477. My mother was about to make
another brilliant maneuver . . .Copy !req
478. . . .in the legendary battle of the lamp.Copy !req
479. The epic struggle which follows . . .Copy !req
480. . . . lives in the folklore
of Cleveland Street to this very day.Copy !req
481. Don't wanna waste electricity.Copy !req
482. - Don't—
- Don't wanna waste electricity.Copy !req
483. Come on, Ralphie. Get in the car.Copy !req
484. You folks looking for a tree?
We got 300 trees here.Copy !req
485. This is the Christmas tree emporium
of the entire Midwest.Copy !req
486. Now you ain't gonna find no better tree
than this here tree.Copy !req
487. This here tree is built to last.Copy !req
488. Ain't no needles coming off
this here tree.Copy !req
489. Okay. Now, here's a tree.
This here is a tree.Copy !req
490. - That's a little skimpy in the front there.
- Well, you just put it in the corner.Copy !req
491. - Haven't you got a big tree?
- Yeah. Hell, this ain't no tree.Copy !req
492. Now here's a tree. This here is a tree.Copy !req
493. - Well, did I choose that one, huh?
- Well, don't you think it's a little large?Copy !req
494. No. What the hell. Listen, Christmas
only comes once a year. Why not?Copy !req
495. - Why not?
- Yeah, well, how much?Copy !req
496. I'll knock off $2 because
you're a man who knows his trees.Copy !req
497. This isn't one of those trees
that all the needles falls off, is it?Copy !req
498. No, that's them balsams.Copy !req
499. The old man loved bargaining
as much as an Arab trader . . .Copy !req
500. . . . and he was twice as shrewd.Copy !req
501. You know, Dew Lock just bought one
of those brand-new, green plastic trees.Copy !req
502. Oh, no.Copy !req
503. Darn thing looks like it was made
out of green pipe cleaners.Copy !req
504. This is a very nice tree.Copy !req
505. - I'll throw in a rope and tie it to your car.
- You got a deal.Copy !req
506. Deal.Copy !req
507. Damn it, blow out.Copy !req
508. Not again.Copy !req
509. Four minutes. Time me.Copy !req
510. Actually, my old man loved it.
He always saw himself in the pits . . .Copy !req
511. . . .at the Indianapolis Speedway
in the 500.Copy !req
512. Yeah.Copy !req
513. My old man's spare tires were actually
only tires in the academic sense.Copy !req
514. They were round,
they had once been made of rubber.Copy !req
515. Here we go.Copy !req
516. Ralphie.
Why don't you go help your father?Copy !req
517. - Really? Can I?
- Yes.Copy !req
518. - Watch the traffic there.
- Okay.Copy !req
519. It was the first time
that it had been suggested . . .Copy !req
520. . . . that I go help my father
with anything.Copy !req
521. - What are you doing here?
- Mom said I should help.Copy !req
522. - Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.Copy !req
523. Okay, sit down here. Squat down.Copy !req
524. Yeah, that's it. Now we've got it.Copy !req
525. - Here you are. Hold this. Here.
- Okay.Copy !req
526. No, not that way. Go on.
Come on, rat-trap, hold it like this. See?Copy !req
527. - How?
- Like this. I want to put the nuts in it.Copy !req
528. - Okay.
- See, there we are. There's four of them.Copy !req
529. And we got it!Copy !req
530. There it is. Oh, that son of a gun.Copy !req
531. I'm gonna get that dirty . . . .Copy !req
532. There we go. And—Copy !req
533. For one brief moment,
I saw all the bolts . . .Copy !req
534. . . . silhouetted against the lights
of the traffic, and then they were gone.Copy !req
535. Oh, fudge.Copy !req
536. Only I didn't say fudge.
I said the word.Copy !req
537. The big one.
The queen mother of dirty words.Copy !req
538. The F-dash-dash-dash word.Copy !req
539. What did you say?Copy !req
540. That's what I thought you said.Copy !req
541. Get in the car.Copy !req
542. - Go on.
- It was all over.Copy !req
543. I was dead. What would it be?
The guillotine? Hanging?Copy !req
544. The chair? The rack?
The Chinese water torture?Copy !req
545. Mere child's play compared
to what surely awaited me.Copy !req
546. Everything go all right?Copy !req
547. Eight minutes.Copy !req
548. - You know what your son just said?
- No. What?Copy !req
549. I'll tell you what he said. Randy!Copy !req
550. Ralphie!Copy !req
551. Over the years,
I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap.Copy !req
552. My personal preference is for Lux . . .Copy !req
553. . . . but I found Palmolive had a nice,
piquant, after-dinner flavor.Copy !req
554. Heady, but with just a touch
of mellow smoothness.Copy !req
555. Lifebuoy, on the other hand . . . .Copy !req
556. You ready to tell me?Copy !req
557. All right.
Where did you hear that word?Copy !req
558. Now, I had heard that word at least
10 times a day from my old man.Copy !req
559. My father worked in profanity the way
other artists might work in oils or clay.Copy !req
560. It was his true medium. A master.Copy !req
561. But I chickened out.Copy !req
562. And I blurted out the first name
that came to mind.Copy !req
563. Schwartz.Copy !req
564. I see.Copy !req
565. Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, I'm fine.Copy !req
566. Mrs. Schwartz, do you know
what Ralph just said?Copy !req
567. No. He said:Copy !req
568. No, not that!Copy !req
569. Yes, that.
Do you know where he heard it?Copy !req
570. Probably from his father.Copy !req
571. - No. He heard it from your son.
- What? What?Copy !req
572. What?Copy !req
573. What did I do, Mom?
Why, I didn't do nothing.Copy !req
574. Another shot of mysterious,
inexorable, official justice.Copy !req
575. Rinse out and go to bed.Copy !req
576. Am I glad you finished your homework
this afternoon.Copy !req
577. I want you getting into bed.
I don't wanna see any lights on.Copy !req
578. You are being punished,
so no comic book reading.Copy !req
579. I'm gonna come in.
If there are lights on—Copy !req
580. Don't you give me that look.
You're gonna get it.Copy !req
581. Kids.Copy !req
582. Three blocks away,
Schwartz was getting his.Copy !req
583. There has never been a kid
who didn't believe . . .Copy !req
584. . . . vaguely but insistently . . .Copy !req
585. . . . that he would be stricken blind
before he reached 21.Copy !req
586. And then, they'd be sorry.Copy !req
587. Why, it's Ralph.Copy !req
588. Well, come on in, Ralph.
Where you been?Copy !req
589. Why, he's carrying a cane.Copy !req
590. Yeah. What is it, Ralph?
What happened?Copy !req
591. - Why, he's blind!
- Blind? Oh, my God.Copy !req
592. Ralph.Copy !req
593. - Ralph, is it something we did?
- What brought you to this lowly state?Copy !req
594. Ralph, please tell us,
no matter how it hurts.Copy !req
595. - What did we do?
- No, I can't.Copy !req
596. Oh, please, Ralph.
I must know what we did.Copy !req
597. - What brought you to this?
- Please.Copy !req
598. Please.Copy !req
599. Please?Copy !req
600. - It was—
- Yes?Copy !req
601. - Yes?
- Soap poisoning.Copy !req
602. Terrible. How could we do it?Copy !req
603. Well, I'll manage
to get along somehow.Copy !req
604. I'll never forgive myself.Copy !req
605. - Thanks, Mom.
- I told you not to use Lifebuoy.Copy !req
606. Oh, I feel awful.Copy !req
607. Oh, God.Copy !req
608. Thank you, Heather.Copy !req
609. - Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.Copy !req
610. - Thank you, Flick.
- Thank you.Copy !req
611. - Thank you.
- Merry Christmas, Miss Shields.Copy !req
612. Merry Christmas.Copy !req
613. Well, I just thought that you'd be
getting tired of the same old stuff.Copy !req
614. Yes, truly, a little bribe never hurts.Copy !req
615. Well, thank you very much, Ralph.Copy !req
616. Merry Christmas.Copy !req
617. Happy New Year.Copy !req
618. You can take your seat now, Ralph.Copy !req
619. The weeks of drinking gallons of Ovaltine
in order to get the Ovaltine inner seal . . .Copy !req
620. . . . to send off for my Little Orphan Annie
secret decoder pin . . .Copy !req
621. . . . was about to pay off.Copy !req
622. I got it.Copy !req
623. "Master Ralph Parker."
My decoder pin.Copy !req
624. All right.Copy !req
625. "Be it known to all and sundry
that Ralph Parker . . .Copy !req
626. . . . is hereby appointed a member
of the Little Orphan Annie secret circle . . .Copy !req
627. . . . and is entitled to all the honors
and benefits occurring thereto."Copy !req
628. Signed, Little Orphan Annie.Copy !req
629. Countersigned, Pierre Andre.Copy !req
630. In ink.Copy !req
631. Honors and benefits.
Already at the age of 9.Copy !req
632. - But first, let's throw her overboard!
- Hold fast, then overboard!Copy !req
633. Come on, let's get on with it.Copy !req
634. I don't need all that jazz
about smugglers and pirates.Copy !req
635. Listen tomorrow night
for the concluding adventure . . .Copy !req
636. . . . of The Black Pirate Ship.Copy !req
637. Now it's time
for Annie's secret message . . .Copy !req
638. . . . for you
members of the secret circle.Copy !req
639. Remember kids . . .Copy !req
640. . . . only members of Annie's secret circle
can decode Annie's secret message.Copy !req
641. Remember,
Annie is depending on you.Copy !req
642. Set your pins to B-2.Copy !req
643. Here is the message:Copy !req
644. Twelve. Eleven. Two.Copy !req
645. I am in my first secret meeting.Copy !req
646. Fourteen. Eleven. Eighteen. Sixteen.Copy !req
647. Pierre was in great voice tonight.Copy !req
648. I could tell that tonight's message
was really important.Copy !req
649. Three. Twenty-five.Copy !req
650. That's a message from Annie herself.
Remember, don't tell anyone.Copy !req
651. Ninety seconds later,
I'm in the only room in the house . . .Copy !req
652. . . . where a boy of 9 could sit in privacy
and decode.Copy !req
653. Ah, B.Copy !req
654. I went to the next. E.Copy !req
655. The first word is "be."Copy !req
656. S. It was coming easier now.Copy !req
657. U.Copy !req
658. - Come on, Ralphie. I gotta go.
- Ralph?Copy !req
659. I'll be right down, Ma. Gee, whiz.Copy !req
660. T.Copy !req
661. O.Copy !req
662. "Be sure to." Be sure to what?Copy !req
663. What was Little Orphan Annie
trying to say? Be sure to what?Copy !req
664. Ralphie! Randy has got to go.
Will you please come out?Copy !req
665. All right, Ma. I'll be right out.Copy !req
666. I was getting closer now.Copy !req
667. The tension was terrible.
What was it?Copy !req
668. The fate of the planet may hang
in the balance.Copy !req
669. Ralphie, Randy's gotta go!Copy !req
670. I'll be right out, for crying out loud!Copy !req
671. Gee, almost there.Copy !req
672. My fingers flew.
My mind was a steel trap.Copy !req
673. Every pore vibrated.
It was almost clear.Copy !req
674. Yes, yes, yes!Copy !req
675. "Be sure to drink your Ovaltine."Copy !req
676. Ovaltine?Copy !req
677. A crummy commercial?Copy !req
678. Son of a bitch.Copy !req
679. I went out to face the world again.Copy !req
680. Wiser.Copy !req
681. - Red cabbage?
- That's for tomorrow night.Copy !req
682. You love red cabbage, Ralphie.Copy !req
683. You filthy system . . .!Copy !req
684. Smelly watt-buster . . . .Copy !req
685. What happened next
was a family controversy for years.Copy !req
686. What was that? what happened?Copy !req
687. What happened?Copy !req
688. What broke?Copy !req
689. I don't know what happened.Copy !req
690. I was watering my plant
and I broke your lamp.Copy !req
691. Don't you touch that.Copy !req
692. You were always jealous of this lamp.Copy !req
693. - Jealous of a plastic leg?
- Jealous!Copy !req
694. Jealous because I won.Copy !req
695. That's ridiculous. Jealous.
Jealous of what?Copy !req
696. That is the ugliest lamp
I have ever seen . . .Copy !req
697. . . . in my entire life!Copy !req
698. Now it was out.Copy !req
699. Get the glue.Copy !req
700. We're out of glue.Copy !req
701. You used up all the glue on purpose!Copy !req
702. The old man stood quivering
with fury . . .Copy !req
703. . . . stammering, as he tried to come up
with a real crusher.Copy !req
704. All he got out was:Copy !req
705. Not a finger!Copy !req
706. With as much dignity
as he could muster . . .Copy !req
707. . . . the old man gathered up
the sad remains . . .Copy !req
708. . . . of his shattered major award.Copy !req
709. Later that night, alone in the backyard,
he buried it next to the garage.Copy !req
710. Now, I could never be sure . . .Copy !req
711. . . . but I thought that I heard
the sound of "Taps" being played.Copy !req
712. Gently.Copy !req
713. Know what I'm getting my man
for Christmas?Copy !req
714. - No. What?
- A rose that squirts.Copy !req
715. People come to smell it,
it squirts them.Copy !req
716. I'm getting my old man a Flit gun.Copy !req
717. - A Flit gun?
- Yeah.Copy !req
718. Stop right there.Copy !req
719. - If Dill said hi to you, you felt great.
- Who, me?Copy !req
720. - Warm inside.
- Yeah, you. Get over here.Copy !req
721. - But mostly, he just hit you in the mouth.
- I can't now, Grover.Copy !req
722. - I've gotta see Miss Shields.
- Yeah.Copy !req
723. - Hey, come here! Get over here.
- Come back here. Come on, you!Copy !req
724. - Yeah, come on!
- Hey, come here!Copy !req
725. You.Copy !req
726. - Come here.
- Who, me?Copy !req
727. No, your Aunt Tilly.
Yeah, you. Get over here.Copy !req
728. I left Flick to certain annihilation.Copy !req
729. But BB gun mania knows no loyalties.Copy !req
730. Uncle, uncle, uncle, uncle, uncle.Copy !req
731. Uncle! Uncle!Copy !req
732. All right, class . . .Copy !req
733. . . . I have your Christmas themes
for you.Copy !req
734. I'm pleased.Copy !req
735. In general, you did very well.Copy !req
736. However, I was disappointed
in the margins.Copy !req
737. This is it.Copy !req
738. C plus? Oh, no, it can't be.Copy !req
739. C plus?Copy !req
740. C plus!Copy !req
741. Oh, no!Copy !req
742. "You'll shoot your eye out"?Copy !req
743. Oh, no.Copy !req
744. My mother must have gotten
to Miss Shields.Copy !req
745. There could be no other explanation.Copy !req
746. You'll shoot your eye out
You'll shoot your eye outCopy !req
747. Was there no end to this conspiracy
of irrational prejudice . . .Copy !req
748. . . . against Red Ryder
and his peacemaker?Copy !req
749. These multiplication questions
were most missed . . .Copy !req
750. . . . in our last math test.Copy !req
751. Would you answer in unison, please?Copy !req
752. I was surrounded by happier kids . . .Copy !req
753. . . . who were all going to get
what they wanted for Christmas.Copy !req
754. Fifty-six.Copy !req
755. Hey, four-eyes.Copy !req
756. How'd you like
your snowball sandwich?Copy !req
757. Maybe you'd like another one.Copy !req
758. Listen, jerk.Copy !req
759. When I tell you to come,
you better come.Copy !req
760. What, are you gonna cry now?Copy !req
761. Come on, crybaby, cry for me.Copy !req
762. Come on. Cry.Copy !req
763. Deep in the recesses of my brain . . .Copy !req
764. . . .a tiny, red-hot little flame
began to grow.Copy !req
765. - Hey!
- Something had happened.Copy !req
766. A fuse blew
and I had gone out of my skull.Copy !req
767. Hey. Hey!Copy !req
768. Hey, kid!Copy !req
769. I'm telling my dad.Copy !req
770. Hey, Ralphie! All right, Ralphie.Copy !req
771. Beat him up! Beat him up!Copy !req
772. - Come on, hit him!
- Hit him!Copy !req
773. - Hang him!
- Hit him! Kill him!Copy !req
774. You no-good damn knuckle!
Fanged dongs stinking bitch!Copy !req
775. - Come on.
- Enough with you, dork head.Copy !req
776. Did you hear what he said?Copy !req
777. Holy smokes!Copy !req
778. I have since heard of people
under extreme duress . . .Copy !req
779. . . . speaking in strange tongues.Copy !req
780. I became conscious
that a steady torrent of obscenities . . .Copy !req
781. . . . and swearing of all kinds
was pouring out of me as I screamed.Copy !req
782. Ralph, your mother.Copy !req
783. Ralphie! Ralphie! Ralphie!Copy !req
784. Ralphie!Copy !req
785. Ralphie?Copy !req
786. Come on. We're going home.
Come on.Copy !req
787. Let's go, man. Come on.
Let's go.Copy !req
788. Calm down. Come on in here, Ralph.Copy !req
789. Get in there.Copy !req
790. Okay. Put your head down in there.Copy !req
791. Come on. Get down in here.Copy !req
792. Settle down.Copy !req
793. Honey, I want you to go in there . . .Copy !req
794. . . . and lie down in your room
for a while.Copy !req
795. Ralphie, just settle down.Copy !req
796. Come on. Here, dry off.Copy !req
797. Calm down.Copy !req
798. All right. Now go lie down.Copy !req
799. The light was getting purple
and soft outside.Copy !req
800. Almost time for my father
to come home from work.Copy !req
801. Randy.Copy !req
802. Hi.Copy !req
803. What's the matter?
What are you crying for?Copy !req
804. Daddy's gonna kill Ralphie.Copy !req
805. No, he's not.Copy !req
806. - Yes, he is too.
- No, he's not.Copy !req
807. I promise you,
Daddy is not going to kill Ralphie.Copy !req
808. Why don't you come on out of there?Copy !req
809. Huh?Copy !req
810. Would you like some milk?Copy !req
811. You would?Copy !req
812. Here you go.Copy !req
813. All right?Copy !req
814. I'll see you later?Copy !req
815. Okay. Bye-bye.Copy !req
816. I heard the car roar up the driveway,
and a wave of terror broke over me.Copy !req
817. He'll know what I said,
the awful things that I've said.Copy !req
818. Get out of here. Go on.
Get out of here!Copy !req
819. Go on home, you mangy mutts.
Get out of here, you rotten, filthy—!Copy !req
820. Hey, Bumpus. Get over here
and get your stinking dogs!Copy !req
821. Hey, come on, what's for dinner?
I'm starving to death.Copy !req
822. Well, what happened today?Copy !req
823. Where's your glasses?Copy !req
824. Did you lose your glasses again?Copy !req
825. Ralphie, remember you left these
on the radio again.Copy !req
826. Now, try not to do that anymore.Copy !req
827. So, what else happened today?Copy !req
828. Oh, nothing much.Copy !req
829. Ralphie had a fight.Copy !req
830. A fight? What kind of a fight?Copy !req
831. Oh, you know how boys are.Copy !req
832. I gave him a talking to.Copy !req
833. I see that the Bears
are playing Green Bay on Sunday.Copy !req
834. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Zudock's got tickets. I wish I had.Copy !req
835. Oh, well, he'll freeze his keister off
out there.Copy !req
836. I slowly began to realize
I was not about to be destroyed.Copy !req
837. The Chicago Bears.Copy !req
838. The terror of the midway.
What a laugh . . . .Copy !req
839. From then on, things were different
between me and my mother.Copy !req
840. Well, more like
the Chicago Chipmunks, maybe.Copy !req
841. But Bears, never.Copy !req
842. Strange.Copy !req
843. Even something as monumental
as the Scut Farkus affair . . .Copy !req
844. . . .as it came to be known,
was pushed out of my mind . . .Copy !req
845. . . .as I struggled for a way out
of the impenetrable BB gun web . . .Copy !req
846. . . .in which my mother had me
trapped.Copy !req
847. Santa!Copy !req
848. Yeah, I'll ask Santa.Copy !req
849. Of course. Santa.Copy !req
850. The big man. The head honcho.Copy !req
851. The connection.Copy !req
852. My mother had slipped up this time.Copy !req
853. - Mickey! Mickey!
- Yeah!Copy !req
854. Mom, the store's gonna close soon
and Santa's gonna be gone.Copy !req
855. Ralphie, Santa's not going anyplace.
Just be still.Copy !req
856. Mom, this is just the same
old dumb parade as last year.Copy !req
857. Ralphie, will you please calm down?Copy !req
858. - Mom!
- Hush!Copy !req
859. Shut up, Ralphie.Copy !req
860. - There he is.
- Santa, Santa!Copy !req
861. Yeah.Copy !req
862. Hey, Merry Christmas!Copy !req
863. Santa.Copy !req
864. Have you been a good boy? Have you?Copy !req
865. Can we go now? Can we go?Copy !req
866. - Yes.
- Yes, we can go now.Copy !req
867. Come on, Ralphie.Copy !req
868. Merry Christmas.Copy !req
869. Come on, Randy, hurry up.Copy !req
870. Ralphie, look over there.Copy !req
871. - See, the line's not so long.
- Yeah.Copy !req
872. Go get in it. Take Randy's hand
and hold on to him.Copy !req
873. - We will see you later, okay?
- Yeah, stay together, don't get lost.Copy !req
874. Okay.Copy !req
875. Come on. Let's go.Copy !req
876. Young man.Copy !req
877. Hey, kid.
Just where do you think you're going?Copy !req
878. Going up to see Santa.Copy !req
879. The line ends here.Copy !req
880. It begins there.Copy !req
881. Merry Christmas!Copy !req
882. Come on, come up, boys and girls.Copy !req
883. Hurry up.Copy !req
884. Let's go.Copy !req
885. Oh, no.Copy !req
886. Come on.Copy !req
887. The line waiting to see Santa Claus
stretched all the way . . .Copy !req
888. . . . back to Terre Haute.Copy !req
889. And I was at the end of it.Copy !req
890. - Merry Christmas.
- I like Santa.Copy !req
891. Yeah.Copy !req
892. Come on. Welcome. Come on.Copy !req
893. Let's face it.
Most of us were scoffers.Copy !req
894. But moments before zero hour,
it did not pay to take chances.Copy !req
895. The chocolate snowman
eats little boys.Copy !req
896. I'll get you my pretty.Copy !req
897. What a tasty little boy.Copy !req
898. Don't bother me.Copy !req
899. I'm thinking.Copy !req
900. I like The Wizard of Oz.Copy !req
901. Yeah.Copy !req
902. I like the Tin Man.Copy !req
903. If Higbee thinks I'm working
one minute past 9, he can kiss my foot.Copy !req
904. Come on, up on Santa's lap.Copy !req
905. There's a wet one.Copy !req
906. And what's your name, little boy?Copy !req
907. - Have you been a good boy?
- Come on, Randy.Copy !req
908. And what do you want
for Christmas, Billy?Copy !req
909. A toy truck? Get him off my lap.Copy !req
910. Quick, get me a towel.Copy !req
911. Bye, Billy.Copy !req
912. Oh, I hate the smell of tapioca.Copy !req
913. Attention, shoppers.
It is now 9 p.m. and our store is closed.Copy !req
914. Nine o'clock? Great Scott!Copy !req
915. The store's gonna close.Copy !req
916. Santa can't wait all night. Let's go.Copy !req
917. Come on up on Santa's lap.Copy !req
918. Get moving, kid.Copy !req
919. Quit dragging your feet.Copy !req
920. Come up.Copy !req
921. Get him out of here.Copy !req
922. Come on, kid.Copy !req
923. Come on.Copy !req
924. Come on up. Come on up there.Copy !req
925. And what's your name, little boy?Copy !req
926. Hey, kid, hurry up, the store's closing.Copy !req
927. Come on!Copy !req
928. Listen, little boy, we got a lot of people
waiting here, so get going.Copy !req
929. Come on. Yeah. Come on.Copy !req
930. What do you want for Christmas,
little boy?Copy !req
931. My mind had gone blank.Copy !req
932. Frantically, I tried to remember
what it was I wanted.Copy !req
933. I was blowing it, blowing it.Copy !req
934. Come on, kid.Copy !req
935. How about a nice football?Copy !req
936. Football. Football. What's a football?Copy !req
937. Without conscious will,
my voice squeaked out:Copy !req
938. - Yeah.
- Football.Copy !req
939. Okay, get him out of here.Copy !req
940. A football. Oh, no.
What was I doing?Copy !req
941. - Wake up, stupid, wake up. No!
- No!Copy !req
942. No, no! I want an official . . .Copy !req
943. . . . Red Ryder carbine action
200-shot range model air rifle.Copy !req
944. You'll shoot your eye out, kid.Copy !req
945. Merry Christmas.Copy !req
946. No!Copy !req
947. And we're here to see the Wizard
The wondefrul wizard of Oz—Copy !req
948. I'll see you in Oz, folks.Copy !req
949. Well, did you . . . ?Copy !req
950. Up.Copy !req
951. - Did you see Santa Claus?
- Yeah.Copy !req
952. Did you tell him
what you wanted for Christmas?Copy !req
953. - Yeah.
- Did he ask you if you'd been a good boy?Copy !req
954. No.Copy !req
955. Don't worry, he knows.Copy !req
956. He always knows.Copy !req
957. Merry Christmas.Copy !req
958. Okay, down you go. Bye-bye, Chris.Copy !req
959. Merry Christmas.Copy !req
960. That's fine.Copy !req
961. Now, wait a minute.
All right. Plug her in.Copy !req
962. It is, it is.Copy !req
963. Well, the green string is out.Copy !req
964. No, the green is on.
It's the blue that's out.Copy !req
965. Oh, don't tell me what color it is.
I'm not color blind.Copy !req
966. I'm not color blind either.Copy !req
967. There.Copy !req
968. There, see, I told you it was green.Copy !req
969. Hold it! Don't anybody move!Copy !req
970. Hold it right there!Copy !req
971. A fuse is out.Copy !req
972. The old man could replace fuses
quicker than a jack rabbit on a date.Copy !req
973. He bought them by the gross.Copy !req
974. Oh, well.Copy !req
975. My, isn't that pretty?Copy !req
976. Hot son of a gun.Copy !req
977. No, that star is crooked.Copy !req
978. That star is perfectly straight.Copy !req
979. - Careful!
- That'll do it. It's all right. That's it.Copy !req
980. - Oh, be careful.
- I am, I am. It's—Copy !req
981. Come on, let's set up the other thing.
Just let me get it fixed.Copy !req
982. That's all right.Copy !req
983. - Yes.
- Yeah.Copy !req
984. Perfect.Copy !req
985. Oh, goodness, look at the time.Copy !req
986. I hope Santa hasn't had
to pass up this house . . .Copy !req
987. . . . just because some boys
weren't in bed when he came by.Copy !req
988. Yeah, I thought I heard
Santa's sleigh bells . . .Copy !req
989. . . .a little while ago going up
the other side of the street.Copy !req
990. - All right, you two, upstairs.
- Come on.Copy !req
991. Come on. On the double,
on the double:Copy !req
992. Okay, let's get them.Copy !req
993. Randy. Randy, come on.
Get up, Randy.Copy !req
994. Santa Claus had come.Copy !req
995. Wow, a truck. That's mine!Copy !req
996. Wow, look over here! That's mine!Copy !req
997. Oh, what's in here?Copy !req
998. Oh, it's hard.Copy !req
999. Fire truck. Oh, boy, that's mine!Copy !req
1000. Hey!Copy !req
1001. Does this raise?Copy !req
1002. Dad, Dad.Copy !req
1003. Merry Christmas!Copy !req
1004. - Merry Christmas, you two.
- Merry Christmas.Copy !req
1005. Now, Randy, no.
Wait for Christmas to start, honey.Copy !req
1006. - I wanna play Santa.
- Well, wait a minute, Randy.Copy !req
1007. You played Santa.
He played Santa last year, didn't he?Copy !req
1008. - Yeah.
- Yeah. Ralphie, you play Santa this time.Copy !req
1009. - Come on, Ralphie.
- Well, who should I start with?Copy !req
1010. - Well, give Randy a present.
- Yeah! Yeah!Copy !req
1011. And I think I see Aunt Clara's gift
to you right over there.Copy !req
1012. She always sends you
such wonderful presents, Ralphie.Copy !req
1013. - Give me mine, Ralphie. Come on.
- Okay.Copy !req
1014. Come on, Ralph.Copy !req
1015. Christmas had come. Officially.Copy !req
1016. We plunged into the cornucopia,
quivering with desire . . .Copy !req
1017. . . . and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice.Copy !req
1018. Didn't I get a tie this year?Copy !req
1019. A zeppelin.Copy !req
1020. A can of simonize.Copy !req
1021. Ralphie, what did Aunt Clara give you?
Show everybody.Copy !req
1022. I don't want to.Copy !req
1023. Ralphie, show everybody
what Aunt Clara gave you.Copy !req
1024. Aunt Clara had for years labored
under the delusion . . .Copy !req
1025. . . . that I was not only perpetually
4 years old, but also a girl.Copy !req
1026. She just always gives you
the nicest things, Ralphie.Copy !req
1027. Oh, my God.Copy !req
1028. Oh, isn't that sweet?Copy !req
1029. - Ralph, go upstairs and try it on if you—
- I don't want to.Copy !req
1030. Go upstairs right now
and try on that present.Copy !req
1031. She went to all that trouble to make it.
Now, go on.Copy !req
1032. While Ralphie is changing,
I'm gonna play Santa Claus.Copy !req
1033. Now, let me see. What can I fi—?
Oh, I see something.Copy !req
1034. - Randy. This is for you, honey.
- Oh, Jesus.Copy !req
1035. - Oh, and this is for Daddy.
- Oh, boy.Copy !req
1036. Here. From me to you.Copy !req
1037. Thanks a lot.Copy !req
1038. I wonder what it could be?Copy !req
1039. Only one way to find out, isn't there?Copy !req
1040. Well, it's a blue ball.Copy !req
1041. It's a bowling ball.Copy !req
1042. - Thank you, darling.
- Do you like it?Copy !req
1043. Yes, very much. Very much.Copy !req
1044. Ralphie! We're waiting!Copy !req
1045. Oh, come on, Mom.Copy !req
1046. Right now!Copy !req
1047. Immediately, my feet began to sweat
as those two fluffy little bunnies . . .Copy !req
1048. . . . with the blue button eyes
stared sappily up at me.Copy !req
1049. Come down here
so I can see you better.Copy !req
1050. I just hoped that Flick
would never spot them . . .Copy !req
1051. . . .as the word of this humiliation
could easily make life . . .Copy !req
1052. . . .at Warren G. Harding School
a veritable hell.Copy !req
1053. Isn't that cu—?Copy !req
1054. That is the most precious thing
I've ever seen in my life.Copy !req
1055. Shut up, Randy.Copy !req
1056. He looks
like a deranged Easter bunny.Copy !req
1057. - He does not.
- He does too.Copy !req
1058. He looks like a pink nightmare.Copy !req
1059. Are you happy wearing that?Copy !req
1060. Do you want to take it off?
Tell the kid to take it off.Copy !req
1061. You'll only wear it when Aunt Clara visits.
Go on and take it off.Copy !req
1062. Take it off!Copy !req
1063. My God, would you look at that mess?Copy !req
1064. - Who's gonna clean the papers up?
- Not me.Copy !req
1065. - Oh, no?
- Randy did it last year.Copy !req
1066. Well, he can do it again.Copy !req
1067. You know, this wine is not bad.Copy !req
1068. It's not good either, but—
You want a sip?Copy !req
1069. - Yeah.
- No, you don't.Copy !req
1070. - Did you have a nice Christmas?
- Yeah, pretty nice.Copy !req
1071. Yeah? Did you get everything
you wanted?Copy !req
1072. Well, almost.Copy !req
1073. Almost, huh? Well, that's life.
Well, there's always next Christmas.Copy !req
1074. Yup.Copy !req
1075. Hey, that's funny.Copy !req
1076. - What's that over there behind the desk?
- Where?Copy !req
1077. Over behind the desk
against the wall over there.Copy !req
1078. Why don't you go check it out?Copy !req
1079. Go on.Copy !req
1080. What did we put over there, honey?Copy !req
1081. Santa Claus probably put it.Copy !req
1082. You . . . .Copy !req
1083. Oh, it was beautiful.
I could hardly wait to try it out.Copy !req
1084. - Do you know how to load it?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1085. Yeah?Copy !req
1086. Be careful. That's right.Copy !req
1087. Be careful.Copy !req
1088. Don't. They run all over.Copy !req
1089. Close her up. Close it up.Copy !req
1090. Can I try it out, Ma? Can I?Copy !req
1091. - Sure.
- Okay. But outside.Copy !req
1092. Oh, I still say those things
are dangerous.Copy !req
1093. No, no! Put on your galoshes
and your coat. It's cold out.Copy !req
1094. I had one when I was 8 years old.Copy !req
1095. - What if he hurts himself?
- Hey!Copy !req
1096. Ralphie, your coat!Copy !req
1097. - Don't shoot any animals or birds.
- Except the Bumpuses' dogs.Copy !req
1098. Oh, you hush. Be careful, Ralphie.Copy !req
1099. Now, it is well-known
throughout the Midwest . . .Copy !req
1100. . . . that the old man
is a turkey junkie.Copy !req
1101. - A bona fide garley turkicanus freak.
- Go fix your plumbing.Copy !req
1102. A few days before Christmas
his eyes would begin to gleam . . .Copy !req
1103. - . . . with a wild and ravenous light.
- Go in the other room.Copy !req
1104. Okay, Black Bart, now you get yours.Copy !req
1105. Oh, my God! I shot my eye out.Copy !req
1106. You'll shoot your eye out, kid.Copy !req
1107. You'll shoot your eye out
You'll shoot your eye outCopy !req
1108. Ralphie, you be careful out there.
Don't shoot your eye out.Copy !req
1109. She hadn't seen. She didn't know.Copy !req
1110. My eye's all right.
The BB must have hit my glasses.Copy !req
1111. My glasses.
Oh, no, where are my glasses?Copy !req
1112. Few things brought such swift
and terrible retribution on a kid . . .Copy !req
1113. . . .as a pair of busted glasses.Copy !req
1114. Stop!Copy !req
1115. Oh, no.Copy !req
1116. Oh, no. Pulverized.Copy !req
1117. Oh, no.Copy !req
1118. For a moment, I thought, I'll fake it.
They'll never know the lens is gone.Copy !req
1119. Oh, no.Copy !req
1120. Rapidly my mind evolved
a spectacular plot.Copy !req
1121. Let's see, an icicle. Yeah.Copy !req
1122. Falls off the garage
and hits me in the eye.Copy !req
1123. It would work. It had to work.Copy !req
1124. Quickly, I whipped up some tears.Copy !req
1125. Ralphie?Copy !req
1126. What's the matter, honey?Copy !req
1127. Oh, what happened? What is it?Copy !req
1128. Let me see that. What is it?Copy !req
1129. There was this icicle
and it fell off the garage and hit me.Copy !req
1130. Come on inside out of the cold.
What is this?Copy !req
1131. - What?
- No, it's okay.Copy !req
1132. Just read your funnies. It's all right.Copy !req
1133. Randy. Wake up, Randy.Copy !req
1134. Oh, God.Copy !req
1135. It hit my cheek
and it broke my glasses.Copy !req
1136. - And I tried to get out of the way, but I—
- Let's try this. Wait a second.Copy !req
1137. There, see, it's just a little bump.Copy !req
1138. Ralphie, you're lucky
it didn't cut your eye.Copy !req
1139. Those icicles have been known
to kill people.Copy !req
1140. - What's going on up there?
- Nothing. We'll be right down.Copy !req
1141. You stay away from that turkey.Copy !req
1142. It's got an hour to cook.
You'll get worms.Copy !req
1143. But what about my glasses?Copy !req
1144. You can wear the old ones
with the crack in them . . .Copy !req
1145. . . . until we get you
some new ones, okay?Copy !req
1146. I had pulled it off.Copy !req
1147. But I left my gun outside.Copy !req
1148. Yeah. Well, when you get dressed
you can go out and get your gun, okay?Copy !req
1149. Hold that on there.Copy !req
1150. Life is like that.Copy !req
1151. Sometimes at the height of our revelries
when our joy is at its zenith . . .Copy !req
1152. . . . when all is most right
with the world . . .Copy !req
1153. . . . the most unthinkable disasters
descend upon us.Copy !req
1154. Oh, turkey!Copy !req
1155. Oh, my God.Copy !req
1156. You sons of—!Copy !req
1157. Sons of bitches! Bumpuses!Copy !req
1158. The heavenly aroma
still hung heavy in the house.Copy !req
1159. But it was gone. All gone.Copy !req
1160. No turkey. No turkey sandwiches.
No turkey salad.Copy !req
1161. No turkey gravy, turkey hash . . .Copy !req
1162. . . . turkey à la king,
or gallons of turkey soup.Copy !req
1163. Gone! All gone!Copy !req
1164. All right! Everybody upstairs.
Get dressed.Copy !req
1165. We are going out to eat.Copy !req
1166. No, no, no.Copy !req
1167. Sing like this:Copy !req
1168. Try again.Copy !req
1169. Stop, stop, stop.Copy !req
1170. Sing something else.Copy !req
1171. No, no, no, no.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.Copy !req
1172. Kitchen. Bring food. For customers.Copy !req
1173. Oh, I'm sorry.Copy !req
1174. - Oh, yes.
- Look at that.Copy !req
1175. It's a beautiful duck. Yes, it really is.Copy !req
1176. It's— But you see, it's—Copy !req
1177. - What?
- It's smiling at me.Copy !req
1178. Okay?Copy !req
1179. - Beautiful.
- Yeah. Yes, it's—Copy !req
1180. - Wonderful, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
1181. That Christmas would live
in our memories as the Christmas . . .Copy !req
1182. . . . when we were introduced
to Chinese turkey.Copy !req
1183. All was right with the world.Copy !req
1184. Oh, honey, come over here.
Look at this.Copy !req
1185. Ooh, is that beautiful.Copy !req
1186. Merry Christmas.Copy !req
1187. Next to me in the blackness
lay my oiled blue-steel beauty.Copy !req
1188. The greatest Christmas gift
I had ever received . . .Copy !req
1189. . . . or would ever receive.Copy !req
1190. Gradually, I drifted off to sleep . . .Copy !req
1191. . . . pranging ducks on the wing
and getting off spectacular hip shots.Copy !req