- 1. There it is.
- 2. My house
at good old Cleveland Street.
- 3. How could I ever forget it?
- 4. And there I am,
with that dumb, round face . . .
- 5. . . . and that stupid stocking cap.
- 6. But no matter.
Christmas was on its way.
- 7. Lovely, glorious, beautiful Christmas,
around which the entire kid year revolved.
- 8. Downtown Hohman was prepared
for its yearly bacchanalia . . .
- 9. . . . of peace on Earth
and goodwill to men.
- 10. Higbees' corner window
was traditionally a high-water mark . . .
- 11. . . . of the pre-Christmas season.
- 12. First-nighters,
packed earmuff to earmuff . . .
- 13. . . . jostled in wonderment
before a golden, tinkling display . . .
- 14. . . . of mechanized, electronic joy.
- 15. There it is.
- 16. The holy grail of Christmas gifts.
- 17. The Red Ryder 200-shot range
model air rifle.
- 18. And there he is.
- 19. Red Ryder himself.
- 20. In his hand was the knurled stock . . .
- 21. . . . of as coolly, deadly looking a piece
of weaponry as ever I had laid eyes on.
- 22. For weeks, I had been scheming
to get my mitts . . .
- 23. . . . on one of these fearsome
- 24. My fevered brain seethed
with the effort of trying to come up . . .
- 25. . . . with the infinitely
subtle devices necessary . . .
- 26. . . .to implant the Red Ryder
range model air rifle indelibly . . .
- 27. . . . into my parents' subconscious.
- 28. Ralphie! Randy!
- 29. Down here in two minutes.
- 30. And I mean two minutes.
- 31. Come on, Ralphie! I got here first!
- 32. Cut it out.
- 33. My mother, grabbing for her copy
of Look magazine . . .
- 34. . . . would find herself cleverly trapped
into reading a Red Ryder sales pitch.
- 35. They traded Bullfrog.
I don't believe it.
- 36. What's that?
- 37. Well, for chrissakes,
the Sox traded Bullfrog . . .
- 38. . . . the only player they've got,
- 39. Four Eyes Shottenhoffer,
- 40. Got a whole goddamned team
of utility infielders.
- 41. That's nice.
- 42. Ralphie, on the double!
- 43. Did you hear about this guy
who swallowed a yo-yo?
- 44. Swallowed a yo-yo?
- 45. Yeah, on a bet.
- 46. Some clodhopper
down in Griffith, Indiana.
- 47. Boy, they write the silliest things
in the newspapers.
- 48. What do you mean silly?
- 49. I mean, that's real news.
- 50. That's not like that politics slop.
- 51. What is the name
of the Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?
- 52. Victor. His name is Victor.
- 53. How the hell did you know that?
- 54. Everybody knows that.
- 55. Is that another
one of your silly puzzles?
- 56. Yeah, it's another
one of my silly puzzles.
- 57. Could be worth 50, 000 bucks.
- 58. What kind is it this time?
- 59. Name the great characters
in American literature.
- 60. - Victor?
- 61. The Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?
- 62. Meanwhile, I struggled
for exactly the right BB gun hint.
- 63. It had to be firm, but subtle.
- 64. Flick says he saw some grizzly bears
near Pulaski's candy store.
- 65. They looked at me as if
I had lobsters crawling out of my ears.
- 66. I could tell I was in imminent danger
of overplaying my hand.
- 67. Casually, I switched tactics.
- 68. Hey, Dad.
- 69. I'll bet you'll never guess
what I got for you for Christmas.
- 70. A new furnace.
- 71. That's a good one, Dad.
- 72. My old man was one of the most feared
furnace fighters in Northern Indiana.
- 73. Hurry up,
you're gonna be late for school.
- 74. Yeah, yeah. I'm running late already.
- 75. Round one was over.
- 76. Parents, one. Kids, zip.
- 77. I could feel the Christmas noose
beginning to tighten.
- 78. Maybe what happened next
- 79. Ralphie,
what would you like for Christmas?
- 80. Horrified, I heard myself blurt it out.
- 81. I want an official Red Ryder
carbine action 200-range model air rifle.
- 82. No. Shoot your eye out.
- 83. Oh, no, it was the classic
mother BB gun block:
- 84. "You'll shoot your eye out."
- 85. That deadly phrase
uttered many times before . . .
- 86. . . .by hundreds of mothers
was not surmountable . . .
- 87. . . .by any means known to Kid-dom.
- 88. But such was my mania,
my desire for a Red Ryder carbine . . .
- 89. . . . that I immediately began
to rebuild the dike.
- 90. I was just kidding.
- 91. Even though Flick is getting one.
- 92. I guess I'd just like some Tinkertoys.
- 93. I couldn't believe my own ears.
- 94. She'd never buy it.
- 95. BB guns are dangerous.
- 96. I don't want anybody
shooting his eye out.
- 97. Randy, will you eat?
- 98. There are starving people in China.
- 99. Mothers know nothing
about creeping marauders . . .
- 100. . . . burrowing through the snow
toward the kitchen . . .
- 101. . . . where only you and you alone . . .
- 102. . . . stand between your tiny,
huddled family and insensate evil.
- 103. Save us.
- 104. Save us, Ralphie.
- 105. I just knowed those bad guys
would be coming for us in the end.
- 106. Don't worry, Dad.
As long as I got Ol' Blue.
- 107. Well, now,
what have we got here, folks?
- 108. Well, we figure it's Black Bart, Ralph.
- 109. Well, just me and my trusty
old Red Ryder carbine action . . .
- 110. . . .200-shot range model air rifle.
- 111. Lucky I got a compass in the stock.
- 112. - Well, I think I better have a look here.
- Don't worry, son.
- 113. - Oh, no, it's Ol' Blue.
- Ol' Blue.
- 114. Oh, no.
- 115. Seize him, boys! The jig is up!
- 116. Killed another one.
Oh, he's a deadeye, ain't he?
- 117. He's getting him.
- 118. Okay, Ralphie.
- 119. You win this time, but we'll be back.
- 120. Adiós, Bart.
- 121. But if you do come back,
you'll be pushing up daisies.
- 122. - And don't you forget it.
- Well, son, you saved us.
- 123. We were goners for sure.
- 124. And you saved us.
- 125. Hallelujah!
- 126. Go on! Beat it!
- 127. The Olds. Nothing but Oldsmobile.
That pile of junk.
- 128. That goddamned Olds
has froze up again.
- 129. Some men are Baptists,
- 130. My father was an Oldsmobile man.
- 131. That son of a bitch would freeze up
in the middle of summer on the equator.
- 132. - Little pitchers.
- And hold it!
- 133. It's a clinker!
- 134. That blasted stupid furnace.
- 135. Dadgum it.
- 136. Damn skates.
- 137. Oh, for chrissake,
open up the damper, will you?
- 138. Who the hell turned it
all the way down, again?
- 139. Oh, blast it!
- 140. Blurred rattle crash camel flirt!
- 141. You block-head battled piece
jerk off trash!
- 142. In the heat of battle, my father
wove a tapestry of obscenity . . .
- 143. . . . that, as far as we know . . .
- 144. . . .is still hanging in space
over Lake Michigan.
- 145. Gollywop-dopter-crop-dop-
- 146. Well, preparing to go to school . . .
- 147. . . . was like getting ready
for extended deep-sea diving.
- 148. Come on, Mom, we're gonna be late.
- 149. All right, Ralph.
- 150. My kid brother
looked like a tick about to pop.
- 151. What?
- 152. What is it?
- 153. - What is it?
- I can't put my arms down.
- 154. Well, put your arms down
when you get to school.
- 155. Goddamn it! You . . . .
- 156. Hey, Flick, wait up. Wait up.
- 157. So, what are you doing?
- 158. What does it look like I'm doing,
- 159. Hey, listen, smartass.
- 160. I asked my old man about sticking
your tongue to metal light poles in winter.
- 161. And he says it will freeze
right to the pole, just like I told you.
- 162. Baloney. What would your old man
know about anything?
- 163. He knows
because he once saw a guy . . .
- 164. . . . stick his tongue
to a railroad track on a bet.
- 165. And the fire department had to come
to get the guy's tongue off the track.
- 166. Because he couldn't get it off.
- 167. Come on, guys, wait up!
- 168. Come on, guys!
- 169. - Come on, guys, wait up.
- Out of the way, kid.
- 170. Hey, kid.
- 171. I can't get up.
- 172. I can't get up!
- 173. Ralph! Hey!
- 174. I can't get up, Ralphie!
- 175. Come on, Flick, wait up for me.
- 176. I can't get up!
- 177. Ralph! Hey!
- 178. - Come on, get up. Sit up. Come on.
- I can't get up.
- 179. You're okay. Come on, let's go.
Come on, you're all right.
- 180. Miss Shields.
- 181. Miss Shields, Miss Shields.
- 182. All right, everyone,
take your seats, please.
- 183. Good morning, class.
- 184. Good morning, Miss Shields.
- 185. Open your books to page 32.
- 186. And as you'll remember,
- 187. You're full of beans
and so is your old man.
- 188. - Oh, yeah?
- 189. - Says who?
- Says me.
- 190. - Oh, yeah?
- 191. Well, I double-dare you.
- 192. The exact exchange and nuance
of phrase in this ritual is very important.
- 193. Are you kidding?
- 194. Stick my tongue to that stupid pole?
- 195. That's because you know it will stick.
- 196. - You're full of it.
- Oh, yeah?
- 197. - Yeah.
- Well, I double-dog dare you!
- 198. Now it was serious.
A double-dog dare.
- 199. What else was left
but a triple dare you?
- 200. And finally, the coup de grâce
of all dares:
- 201. - The sinister triple-dog dare.
- You guys are really dumb.
- 202. I triple-dog dare you!
- 203. Schwartz created a slight breach
of etiquette . . .
- 204. . . .by skipping the triple dare
and going right for the throat.
- 205. All right, all right.
- 206. Come on, kid.
- 207. Well, go on, smartass, and do it.
- 208. I'm going, I'm going.
- 209. Flick's spine stiffened,
his lips curled in a defiant sneer.
- 210. There was no going back now.
- 211. This is no—
- 212. Stuck? Stuck? Stuck!
- 213. Stuck! Stuck! Stuck!
- 214. Stuck!
- 215. - Stuck! Stuck!
- Geez. It really works.
- 216. - Look at him.
- It's stuck!
- 217. Hey, what have I done?
- 218. Don't leave, come back.
- 219. - Come back. Don't leave me. Come back.
- But the bell rang.
- 220. What are we gonna do?
- 221. - I don't know. The bell rang.
- 222. Hey, don't leave me. Come back!
- 223. Come back! Come back.
- 224. Where's Flick?
- 225. Has anyone seen Flick?
- 226. Flick? Flick who?
- 227. He was at recess, wasn't he?
- 228. Ralphie, do you know where Flick is?
- 229. I said, has anyone seen Flick?
- 230. Yes, Esther Jane?
- 231. Oh, my God.
- 232. Holy cow, it's the fire department.
- 233. Oh, no.
- 234. Wow, it's the cops.
- 235. Now, I know that some of you
put Flick up to this.
- 236. But he has refused to say who.
- 237. But those who did it
know their blame.
- 238. And I'm sure that the guilt you feel
is far worse . . .
- 239. . . . than any punishment
you might receive.
- 240. Now, don't you feel terrible?
- 241. Don't you feel remorse
for what you have done?
- 242. Well, that's all I'm going to say
about poor Flick.
- 243. Adults love to say things like that,
but kids know better.
- 244. We knew darn well it was always better
not to get caught.
- 245. Now, boys and girls,
I'm going to give you an assignment.
- 246. I want you to write a theme.
- 247. "What I Want for Christmas."
- 248. The clouds lifted.
- 249. And I want it handed in
tomorrow morning . . . .
- 250. I saw a faint gleam of light . . .
- 251. . . .at the other end
of the black cave of doom.
- 252. I knew that when Miss Shields read
my magnificent, eloquent theme . . .
- 253. . . . that she would sympathize
with my plight . . .
- 254. . . . and everything
would work out somehow.
- 255. Boy, did you see how it stuck?
- 256. Did it hurt, Flick?
- 257. No. I never felt a thing.
- 258. It just caught me off-guard.
- 259. You sure were bawling.
- 260. I never bawled.
- 261. Baloney.
- 262. Scut Farkus.
- 263. Scut Farkus. What a rotten name.
- 264. We were trapped.
- 265. There he stood,
between us and the alley.
- 266. Scut Farkus, staring out at us
with his yellow eyes.
- 267. He had yellow eyes.
- 268. So help me, God, yellow eyes.
- 269. Grover Dill,
Farkus' crummy little toady.
- 270. Mean, rotten.
His lips curled over his green teeth.
- 271. Randy lay there like a slug.
- 272. It was his only defense.
- 273. - Say uncle.
- 274. - Uncle.
- 275. - Louder!
- Come on, get up. Now.
- 276. - Louder!
- 277. - Louder.
- 278. In our world,
you were either a bully, a toady . . .
- 279. . . . or one of the nameless rabble
- 280. All right, who's next?
- 281. Man.
- 282. In the jungles of Kid-dom,
the mind switches gears rapidly.
- 283. Weeks ago, I had sent away . . .
- 284. . . . for my Little Orphan Annie
secret society decoder pin.
- 285. Oh, skunked again.
- 286. No matter.
Today, I had serious work to do.
- 287. "What I want for Christmas.
- 288. What I want for Christmas
is a Red Ryder BB gun . . .
- 289. . . . with a compass in the stock,
and this thing which tells time."
- 290. Wow, that's great.
- 291. "I think that everybody
should have a Red Ryder BB gun.
- 292. They're very good for Christmas.
- 293. I don't think that a football's
a very good Christmas present."
- 294. Rarely had the words poured
from my penny pencil . . .
- 295. . . . with such feverish fluidity.
- 296. I've won, I've won, I've won!
Hey, go on now.
- 297. Get out of here, you—!
- 298. I've won, I've won.
- 299. The Bumpus hounds.
- 300. Our hillbilly neighbors, the Bumpuses,
had at least 785 smelly hound dogs.
- 301. And they ignored every other
human being on earth but my old man.
- 302. Dumb dogs. Get.
- 303. I won. I won.
- 304. - I won, I won, I won!
- What? What is it? What?
- 305. A major prize, a major prize.
I won, I won, I won!
- 306. Hey, look at that. Look at that.
A Western Union telegram.
- 307. Tonight tonight is gonna be the night
Tonight tonight hot damn tonight
- 308. - What does this mean here?
- It means it's coming tonight!
- 309. I called Ernie McClosky
at the freight depot.
- 310. He said that the telegram was late,
the prize was there, he'll send it on tonight.
- 311. Come on, have a chew, fellas, on me.
It's my gift.
- 312. You know, maybe it'll be one of those
Spanish adobe houses down Coral Gate—
- 313. Serves you right, you smelly buggers.
- 314. Or it could be a bowling alley.
- 315. You know, a guy on Terre Haute
won a bowling alley.
- 316. How are they gonna deliver
a bowling alley here tonight?
- 317. They could send the deed
- 318. I mean, I didn't expect they were gonna
send the whole damn bowling alley.
- 319. Yeah, well, how about eating, huh?
I'm starving to death.
- 320. Getting rich is hard work, kid.
- 321. Every family has a kid who won't eat.
- 322. My kid brother had not eaten voluntarily
in over three years.
- 323. Oh, Randy, don't play
with your food, eat it.
- 324. Gee.
- 325. Starving people
would be happy to have that.
- 326. Can I have some more red cabbage?
- 327. You stop playing with your food,
or I'll give you something to cry about.
- 328. You better stop fooling around
with that and eat it, or you'll be sorry.
- 329. Can I please have some more?
- 330. My mother had not had a hot meal
for herself in 15 years.
- 331. Meat loaf, smeetloaf, double beetloaf.
- 332. I hate meat loaf.
- 333. All right.
All right, I'll get that kid to eat.
- 334. Where's my screwdriver
and my plumber's helper?
- 335. - I'll open up his mouth and shove it in.
- 336. My mother was more subtle.
- 337. How do the little piggies go?
- 338. That's right:
- 339. Now, show me how the piggies eat.
This is your trough.
- 340. Show me how the piggies eat.
- 341. Be a good boy.
Show Mommy how the piggies eat.
- 342. Oh, my God.
- 343. Mommy's little piggy.
- 344. It is here.
- 345. - Yeah.
- Are you Parker?
- 346. - Yeah.
- All right, sign here, will you?
- 347. - Well, what is it?
- I don't know.
- 348. What's in it?
- 349. Here. Bring it in, huh?
- 350. Okay, boys. Haul that on in here.
Move your tails.
- 351. Yeah. Bring it right on in. Right here.
- 352. Bring it ahead.
Straight ahead. That's right.
- 353. - Right.
- Here, bring it right, right on in, fellas.
- 354. That's it. Here we go.
- 355. A little more.
- 356. A little more. That's it.
- 357. Watch the lady.
- 358. - That's it.
- Thanks a lot, guys. Merry Christmas.
- 359. - Get the crowbar and a hammer, Ralphie.
- 360. "Fragile."
- 361. - It must be Italian.
- I think that says fragile, honey.
- 362. Oh, yeah.
- 363. Here we go.
- 364. Jeez, they really did a job on this,
- 365. No, here, Ralph, hold that.
- 366. Here we go.
- 367. Honey, there could be
anything in there.
- 368. Jesus.
- 369. Maybe they forgot.
- 370. No, it's in there.
It's gotta be in there.
- 371. Oh, boy. Oh, boy, oh, boy.
- 372. - What?
- Would you look at that?
- 373. What is it?
- 374. Well, it's a leg.
- 375. But what is it?
- 376. Well, it's a leg.
You know, like in a statue.
- 377. - Statue?
- Yeah, statue.
- 378. Yeah, statue.
- 379. Ralphie . . . .
- 380. My mother was trying
to insinuate herself . . .
- 381. . . . between us and the statue.
- 382. Holy smoke, would you . . . ?
- 383. Do you know what this is?
- 384. This is a lamp.
- 385. - It was indeed a lamp.
- Isn't that great?
- 386. What a great lamp.
- 387. Well, I don't know.
- 388. Here, hold it. Hold it. Here, go on.
- 389. The old man's eyes boggled . . .
- 390. . . . overcome by art.
- 391. And I know just the place for it.
- 392. Right in the middle
of our front-room window.
- 393. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
- 394. Watch it.
- 395. Yeah, let's see.
- 396. Oh, Jesus, God.
- 397. - Oh, honey?
- No. It's all right. It's all right.
- 398. It's all right.
- 399. Let's see . . . .
- 400. This goes to the radio . . .
- 401. . . . and this goes to, and this goes—
- 402. - Well, it's just one too many.
- One is tough, yeah.
- 403. Well, let's see.
- 404. The snap of a few sparks,
a quick whiff of ozone . . .
- 405. . . . and the lamp blazed forth
in unparalleled glory.
- 406. Oh, look at that. Will you look at that?
Isn't that glorious?
- 407. It's indescribably beautiful.
- 408. It reminds me of the Fourth of July.
Turn off all the lights.
- 409. I wanna see
what it looks like from the street.
- 410. - I'll go get the dining room.
- Couldn't we talk this over?
- 411. Honey . . . .
- 412. Move it a little bit to the right.
- 413. Yeah. A little that way.
- 414. Just a little more to the right.
- 415. Yeah. More. That's it. No, stop.
Right there. That's wonderful.
- 416. Hey, Parker, what is that?
- 417. Don't bother me now, Swede.
- 418. - Yeah, but what is that?
- It's a major award.
- 419. A major award?
- 420. Shucks, I wouldn't have knowed that.
It looks like a lamp.
- 421. Well, it is a lamp, you nincompoop.
- 422. But it's a major award. I won it.
- 423. - Damn, hell, you say you won it?
- 424. Yeah, mind power, Swede, mind power.
- 425. The entire neighborhood
was turned on.
- 426. Oh, you should see what it looks like
from out here.
- 427. It could be seen up and down
- 428. The symbol of the old man's victory.
- 429. Yeah, he won that.
It's a major award.
- 430. Isn't it about time
for somebody's favorite radio program?
- 431. - Yeah.
- 432. Holy smokes, it was 6:45.
- 433. Only one thing
could've dragged me away . . .
- 434. . . . from the soft glow of electric sex
gleaming in the window.
- 435. Who's the little chatter box
- 436. The one with pretty auburn locks?
- 437. Whom do you see?
It's Little Orphan Annie
- 438. Kids, it's Little Orphan Annie time.
- 439. Brought to you by rich,
- 440. I could still taste it.
- 441. Hey, you turned the light off.
- 442. It's Little Orphan Annie
- 443. Come on, you guys, wait up.
- 444. I knew I was handing Miss Shields
- 445. Maybe Miss Shields in her ecstasy . . .
- 446. . . . would excuse me from theme writing
for the rest of my natural life.
- 447. F!
- 448. You call this a paragraph?
Margins, margins, margins.
- 449. F!
- 450. My life's work down the drain.
- 451. A semicolon, you dolt. A period.
- 452. Oh, F.
- 453. I should weep
if I have to read one more F.
- 454. Ralphie Parker.
- 455. The theme I've been waiting
for all my life.
- 456. Listen to this sentence.
- 457. "A Red Ryder BB gun
with a compass in the stock . . .
- 458. . . . and this thing which tells time."
- 459. Poetry. Sheer poetry.
- 460. Ralph, an A plus.
- 461. My Ralph. Oh, Ralphie,
you've made me well.
- 462. A plus.
- 463. Ralph.
- 464. Ralphie.
- 465. Ralph.
- 466. Is there something you want, Ralph?
- 467. I'm just turning in my theme.
- 468. Oh, well, you can take your seat now.
- 469. Take your seat.
- 470. You're a genius.
- 471. Come on, you guys. Wait up.
- 472. Okay. Come on. Come on.
- 473. Come on.
- 474. - Get in the car. Get in the car.
- 475. If we don't hurry,
we're gonna miss all the good trees!
- 476. Go on, go on.
- 477. My mother was about to make
another brilliant maneuver . . .
- 478. . . .in the legendary battle of the lamp.
- 479. The epic struggle which follows . . .
- 480. . . . lives in the folklore
of Cleveland Street to this very day.
- 481. Don't wanna waste electricity.
- 482. - Don't—
- Don't wanna waste electricity.
- 483. Come on, Ralphie. Get in the car.
- 484. You folks looking for a tree?
We got 300 trees here.
- 485. This is the Christmas tree emporium
of the entire Midwest.
- 486. Now you ain't gonna find no better tree
than this here tree.
- 487. This here tree is built to last.
- 488. Ain't no needles coming off
this here tree.
- 489. Okay. Now, here's a tree.
This here is a tree.
- 490. - That's a little skimpy in the front there.
- Well, you just put it in the corner.
- 491. - Haven't you got a big tree?
- Yeah. Hell, this ain't no tree.
- 492. Now here's a tree. This here is a tree.
- 493. - Well, did I choose that one, huh?
- Well, don't you think it's a little large?
- 494. No. What the hell. Listen, Christmas
only comes once a year. Why not?
- 495. - Why not?
- Yeah, well, how much?
- 496. I'll knock off $2 because
you're a man who knows his trees.
- 497. This isn't one of those trees
that all the needles falls off, is it?
- 498. No, that's them balsams.
- 499. The old man loved bargaining
as much as an Arab trader . . .
- 500. . . . and he was twice as shrewd.
- 501. You know, Dew Lock just bought one
of those brand-new, green plastic trees.
- 502. Oh, no.
- 503. Darn thing looks like it was made
out of green pipe cleaners.
- 504. This is a very nice tree.
- 505. - I'll throw in a rope and tie it to your car.
- You got a deal.
- 506. Deal.
- 507. Damn it, blow out.
- 508. Not again.
- 509. Four minutes. Time me.
- 510. Actually, my old man loved it.
He always saw himself in the pits . . .
- 511. . . .at the Indianapolis Speedway
in the 500.
- 512. Yeah.
- 513. My old man's spare tires were actually
only tires in the academic sense.
- 514. They were round,
they had once been made of rubber.
- 515. Here we go.
- 516. Ralphie.
Why don't you go help your father?
- 517. - Really? Can I?
- 518. - Watch the traffic there.
- 519. It was the first time
that it had been suggested . . .
- 520. . . . that I go help my father
- 521. - What are you doing here?
- Mom said I should help.
- 522. - Oh, yeah?
- 523. Okay, sit down here. Squat down.
- 524. Yeah, that's it. Now we've got it.
- 525. - Here you are. Hold this. Here.
- 526. No, not that way. Go on.
Come on, rat-trap, hold it like this. See?
- 527. - How?
- Like this. I want to put the nuts in it.
- 528. - Okay.
- See, there we are. There's four of them.
- 529. And we got it!
- 530. There it is. Oh, that son of a gun.
- 531. I'm gonna get that dirty . . . .
- 532. There we go. And—
- 533. For one brief moment,
I saw all the bolts . . .
- 534. . . . silhouetted against the lights
of the traffic, and then they were gone.
- 535. Oh, fudge.
- 536. Only I didn't say fudge.
I said the word.
- 537. The big one.
The queen mother of dirty words.
- 538. The F-dash-dash-dash word.
- 539. What did you say?
- 540. That's what I thought you said.
- 541. Get in the car.
- 542. - Go on.
- It was all over.
- 543. I was dead. What would it be?
The guillotine? Hanging?
- 544. The chair? The rack?
The Chinese water torture?
- 545. Mere child's play compared
to what surely awaited me.
- 546. Everything go all right?
- 547. Eight minutes.
- 548. - You know what your son just said?
- No. What?
- 549. I'll tell you what he said. Randy!
- 550. Ralphie!
- 551. Over the years,
I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap.
- 552. My personal preference is for Lux . . .
- 553. . . . but I found Palmolive had a nice,
piquant, after-dinner flavor.
- 554. Heady, but with just a touch
of mellow smoothness.
- 555. Lifebuoy, on the other hand . . . .
- 556. You ready to tell me?
- 557. All right.
Where did you hear that word?
- 558. Now, I had heard that word at least
10 times a day from my old man.
- 559. My father worked in profanity the way
other artists might work in oils or clay.
- 560. It was his true medium. A master.
- 561. But I chickened out.
- 562. And I blurted out the first name
that came to mind.
- 563. Schwartz.
- 564. I see.
- 565. Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, I'm fine.
- 566. Mrs. Schwartz, do you know
what Ralph just said?
- 567. No. He said:
- 568. No, not that!
- 569. Yes, that.
Do you know where he heard it?
- 570. Probably from his father.
- 571. - No. He heard it from your son.
- What? What?
- 572. What?
- 573. What did I do, Mom?
Why, I didn't do nothing.
- 574. Another shot of mysterious,
inexorable, official justice.
- 575. Rinse out and go to bed.
- 576. Am I glad you finished your homework
- 577. I want you getting into bed.
I don't wanna see any lights on.
- 578. You are being punished,
so no comic book reading.
- 579. I'm gonna come in.
If there are lights on—
- 580. Don't you give me that look.
You're gonna get it.
- 581. Kids.
- 582. Three blocks away,
Schwartz was getting his.
- 583. There has never been a kid
who didn't believe . . .
- 584. . . . vaguely but insistently . . .
- 585. . . . that he would be stricken blind
before he reached 21.
- 586. And then, they'd be sorry.
- 587. Why, it's Ralph.
- 588. Well, come on in, Ralph.
Where you been?
- 589. Why, he's carrying a cane.
- 590. Yeah. What is it, Ralph?
- 591. - Why, he's blind!
- Blind? Oh, my God.
- 592. Ralph.
- 593. - Ralph, is it something we did?
- What brought you to this lowly state?
- 594. Ralph, please tell us,
no matter how it hurts.
- 595. - What did we do?
- No, I can't.
- 596. Oh, please, Ralph.
I must know what we did.
- 597. - What brought you to this?
- 598. Please.
- 599. Please?
- 600. - It was—
- 601. - Yes?
- Soap poisoning.
- 602. Terrible. How could we do it?
- 603. Well, I'll manage
to get along somehow.
- 604. I'll never forgive myself.
- 605. - Thanks, Mom.
- I told you not to use Lifebuoy.
- 606. Oh, I feel awful.
- 607. Oh, God.
- 608. Thank you, Heather.
- 609. - Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- 610. - Thank you, Flick.
- Thank you.
- 611. - Thank you.
- Merry Christmas, Miss Shields.
- 612. Merry Christmas.
- 613. Well, I just thought that you'd be
getting tired of the same old stuff.
- 614. Yes, truly, a little bribe never hurts.
- 615. Well, thank you very much, Ralph.
- 616. Merry Christmas.
- 617. Happy New Year.
- 618. You can take your seat now, Ralph.
- 619. The weeks of drinking gallons of Ovaltine
in order to get the Ovaltine inner seal . . .
- 620. . . . to send off for my Little Orphan Annie
secret decoder pin . . .
- 621. . . . was about to pay off.
- 622. I got it.
- 623. "Master Ralph Parker."
My decoder pin.
- 624. All right.
- 625. "Be it known to all and sundry
that Ralph Parker . . .
- 626. . . . is hereby appointed a member
of the Little Orphan Annie secret circle . . .
- 627. . . . and is entitled to all the honors
and benefits occurring thereto."
- 628. Signed, Little Orphan Annie.
- 629. Countersigned, Pierre Andre.
- 630. In ink.
- 631. Honors and benefits.
Already at the age of 9.
- 632. - But first, let's throw her overboard!
- Hold fast, then overboard!
- 633. Come on, let's get on with it.
- 634. I don't need all that jazz
about smugglers and pirates.
- 635. Listen tomorrow night
for the concluding adventure . . .
- 636. . . . of The Black Pirate Ship.
- 637. Now it's time
for Annie's secret message . . .
- 638. . . . for you
members of the secret circle.
- 639. Remember kids . . .
- 640. . . . only members of Annie's secret circle
can decode Annie's secret message.
- 641. Remember,
Annie is depending on you.
- 642. Set your pins to B-2.
- 643. Here is the message:
- 644. Twelve. Eleven. Two.
- 645. I am in my first secret meeting.
- 646. Fourteen. Eleven. Eighteen. Sixteen.
- 647. Pierre was in great voice tonight.
- 648. I could tell that tonight's message
was really important.
- 649. Three. Twenty-five.
- 650. That's a message from Annie herself.
Remember, don't tell anyone.
- 651. Ninety seconds later,
I'm in the only room in the house . . .
- 652. . . . where a boy of 9 could sit in privacy
- 653. Ah, B.
- 654. I went to the next. E.
- 655. The first word is "be."
- 656. S. It was coming easier now.
- 657. U.
- 658. - Come on, Ralphie. I gotta go.
- 659. I'll be right down, Ma. Gee, whiz.
- 660. T.
- 661. O.
- 662. "Be sure to." Be sure to what?
- 663. What was Little Orphan Annie
trying to say? Be sure to what?
- 664. Ralphie! Randy has got to go.
Will you please come out?
- 665. All right, Ma. I'll be right out.
- 666. I was getting closer now.
- 667. The tension was terrible.
What was it?
- 668. The fate of the planet may hang
in the balance.
- 669. Ralphie, Randy's gotta go!
- 670. I'll be right out, for crying out loud!
- 671. Gee, almost there.
- 672. My fingers flew.
My mind was a steel trap.
- 673. Every pore vibrated.
It was almost clear.
- 674. Yes, yes, yes!
- 675. "Be sure to drink your Ovaltine."
- 676. Ovaltine?
- 677. A crummy commercial?
- 678. Son of a bitch.
- 679. I went out to face the world again.
- 680. Wiser.
- 681. - Red cabbage?
- That's for tomorrow night.
- 682. You love red cabbage, Ralphie.
- 683. You filthy system . . .!
- 684. Smelly watt-buster . . . .
- 685. What happened next
was a family controversy for years.
- 686. What was that? what happened?
- 687. What happened?
- 688. What broke?
- 689. I don't know what happened.
- 690. I was watering my plant
and I broke your lamp.
- 691. Don't you touch that.
- 692. You were always jealous of this lamp.
- 693. - Jealous of a plastic leg?
- 694. Jealous because I won.
- 695. That's ridiculous. Jealous.
Jealous of what?
- 696. That is the ugliest lamp
I have ever seen . . .
- 697. . . . in my entire life!
- 698. Now it was out.
- 699. Get the glue.
- 700. We're out of glue.
- 701. You used up all the glue on purpose!
- 702. The old man stood quivering
with fury . . .
- 703. . . . stammering, as he tried to come up
with a real crusher.
- 704. All he got out was:
- 705. Not a finger!
- 706. With as much dignity
as he could muster . . .
- 707. . . . the old man gathered up
the sad remains . . .
- 708. . . . of his shattered major award.
- 709. Later that night, alone in the backyard,
he buried it next to the garage.
- 710. Now, I could never be sure . . .
- 711. . . . but I thought that I heard
the sound of "Taps" being played.
- 712. Gently.
- 713. Know what I'm getting my man
- 714. - No. What?
- A rose that squirts.
- 715. People come to smell it,
it squirts them.
- 716. I'm getting my old man a Flit gun.
- 717. - A Flit gun?
- 718. Stop right there.
- 719. - If Dill said hi to you, you felt great.
- Who, me?
- 720. - Warm inside.
- Yeah, you. Get over here.
- 721. - But mostly, he just hit you in the mouth.
- I can't now, Grover.
- 722. - I've gotta see Miss Shields.
- 723. - Hey, come here! Get over here.
- Come back here. Come on, you!
- 724. - Yeah, come on!
- Hey, come here!
- 725. You.
- 726. - Come here.
- Who, me?
- 727. No, your Aunt Tilly.
Yeah, you. Get over here.
- 728. I left Flick to certain annihilation.
- 729. But BB gun mania knows no loyalties.
- 730. Uncle, uncle, uncle, uncle, uncle.
- 731. Uncle! Uncle!
- 732. All right, class . . .
- 733. . . . I have your Christmas themes
- 734. I'm pleased.
- 735. In general, you did very well.
- 736. However, I was disappointed
in the margins.
- 737. This is it.
- 738. C plus? Oh, no, it can't be.
- 739. C plus?
- 740. C plus!
- 741. Oh, no!
- 742. "You'll shoot your eye out"?
- 743. Oh, no.
- 744. My mother must have gotten
to Miss Shields.
- 745. There could be no other explanation.
- 746. You'll shoot your eye out
You'll shoot your eye out
- 747. Was there no end to this conspiracy
of irrational prejudice . . .
- 748. . . . against Red Ryder
and his peacemaker?
- 749. These multiplication questions
were most missed . . .
- 750. . . . in our last math test.
- 751. Would you answer in unison, please?
- 752. I was surrounded by happier kids . . .
- 753. . . . who were all going to get
what they wanted for Christmas.
- 754. Fifty-six.
- 755. Hey, four-eyes.
- 756. How'd you like
your snowball sandwich?
- 757. Maybe you'd like another one.
- 758. Listen, jerk.
- 759. When I tell you to come,
you better come.
- 760. What, are you gonna cry now?
- 761. Come on, crybaby, cry for me.
- 762. Come on. Cry.
- 763. Deep in the recesses of my brain . . .
- 764. . . .a tiny, red-hot little flame
began to grow.
- 765. - Hey!
- Something had happened.
- 766. A fuse blew
and I had gone out of my skull.
- 767. Hey. Hey!
- 768. Hey, kid!
- 769. I'm telling my dad.
- 770. Hey, Ralphie! All right, Ralphie.
- 771. Beat him up! Beat him up!
- 772. - Come on, hit him!
- Hit him!
- 773. - Hang him!
- Hit him! Kill him!
- 774. You no-good damn knuckle!
Fanged dongs stinking bitch!
- 775. - Come on.
- Enough with you, dork head.
- 776. Did you hear what he said?
- 777. Holy smokes!
- 778. I have since heard of people
under extreme duress . . .
- 779. . . . speaking in strange tongues.
- 780. I became conscious
that a steady torrent of obscenities . . .
- 781. . . . and swearing of all kinds
was pouring out of me as I screamed.
- 782. Ralph, your mother.
- 783. Ralphie! Ralphie! Ralphie!
- 784. Ralphie!
- 785. Ralphie?
- 786. Come on. We're going home.
- 787. Let's go, man. Come on.
- 788. Calm down. Come on in here, Ralph.
- 789. Get in there.
- 790. Okay. Put your head down in there.
- 791. Come on. Get down in here.
- 792. Settle down.
- 793. Honey, I want you to go in there . . .
- 794. . . . and lie down in your room
for a while.
- 795. Ralphie, just settle down.
- 796. Come on. Here, dry off.
- 797. Calm down.
- 798. All right. Now go lie down.
- 799. The light was getting purple
and soft outside.
- 800. Almost time for my father
to come home from work.
- 801. Randy.
- 802. Hi.
- 803. What's the matter?
What are you crying for?
- 804. Daddy's gonna kill Ralphie.
- 805. No, he's not.
- 806. - Yes, he is too.
- No, he's not.
- 807. I promise you,
Daddy is not going to kill Ralphie.
- 808. Why don't you come on out of there?
- 809. Huh?
- 810. Would you like some milk?
- 811. You would?
- 812. Here you go.
- 813. All right?
- 814. I'll see you later?
- 815. Okay. Bye-bye.
- 816. I heard the car roar up the driveway,
and a wave of terror broke over me.
- 817. He'll know what I said,
the awful things that I've said.
- 818. Get out of here. Go on.
Get out of here!
- 819. Go on home, you mangy mutts.
Get out of here, you rotten, filthy—!
- 820. Hey, Bumpus. Get over here
and get your stinking dogs!
- 821. Hey, come on, what's for dinner?
I'm starving to death.
- 822. Well, what happened today?
- 823. Where's your glasses?
- 824. Did you lose your glasses again?
- 825. Ralphie, remember you left these
on the radio again.
- 826. Now, try not to do that anymore.
- 827. So, what else happened today?
- 828. Oh, nothing much.
- 829. Ralphie had a fight.
- 830. A fight? What kind of a fight?
- 831. Oh, you know how boys are.
- 832. I gave him a talking to.
- 833. I see that the Bears
are playing Green Bay on Sunday.
- 834. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Zudock's got tickets. I wish I had.
- 835. Oh, well, he'll freeze his keister off
- 836. I slowly began to realize
I was not about to be destroyed.
- 837. The Chicago Bears.
- 838. The terror of the midway.
What a laugh . . . .
- 839. From then on, things were different
between me and my mother.
- 840. Well, more like
the Chicago Chipmunks, maybe.
- 841. But Bears, never.
- 842. Strange.
- 843. Even something as monumental
as the Scut Farkus affair . . .
- 844. . . .as it came to be known,
was pushed out of my mind . . .
- 845. . . .as I struggled for a way out
of the impenetrable BB gun web . . .
- 846. . . .in which my mother had me
- 847. Santa!
- 848. Yeah, I'll ask Santa.
- 849. Of course. Santa.
- 850. The big man. The head honcho.
- 851. The connection.
- 852. My mother had slipped up this time.
- 853. - Mickey! Mickey!
- 854. Mom, the store's gonna close soon
and Santa's gonna be gone.
- 855. Ralphie, Santa's not going anyplace.
Just be still.
- 856. Mom, this is just the same
old dumb parade as last year.
- 857. Ralphie, will you please calm down?
- 858. - Mom!
- 859. Shut up, Ralphie.
- 860. - There he is.
- Santa, Santa!
- 861. Yeah.
- 862. Hey, Merry Christmas!
- 863. Santa.
- 864. Have you been a good boy? Have you?
- 865. Can we go now? Can we go?
- 866. - Yes.
- Yes, we can go now.
- 867. Come on, Ralphie.
- 868. Merry Christmas.
- 869. Come on, Randy, hurry up.
- 870. Ralphie, look over there.
- 871. - See, the line's not so long.
- 872. Go get in it. Take Randy's hand
and hold on to him.
- 873. - We will see you later, okay?
- Yeah, stay together, don't get lost.
- 874. Okay.
- 875. Come on. Let's go.
- 876. Young man.
- 877. Hey, kid.
Just where do you think you're going?
- 878. Going up to see Santa.
- 879. The line ends here.
- 880. It begins there.
- 881. Merry Christmas!
- 882. Come on, come up, boys and girls.
- 883. Hurry up.
- 884. Let's go.
- 885. Oh, no.
- 886. Come on.
- 887. The line waiting to see Santa Claus
stretched all the way . . .
- 888. . . . back to Terre Haute.
- 889. And I was at the end of it.
- 890. - Merry Christmas.
- I like Santa.
- 891. Yeah.
- 892. Come on. Welcome. Come on.
- 893. Let's face it.
Most of us were scoffers.
- 894. But moments before zero hour,
it did not pay to take chances.
- 895. The chocolate snowman
eats little boys.
- 896. I'll get you my pretty.
- 897. What a tasty little boy.
- 898. Don't bother me.
- 899. I'm thinking.
- 900. I like The Wizard of Oz.
- 901. Yeah.
- 902. I like the Tin Man.
- 903. If Higbee thinks I'm working
one minute past 9, he can kiss my foot.
- 904. Come on, up on Santa's lap.
- 905. There's a wet one.
- 906. And what's your name, little boy?
- 907. - Have you been a good boy?
- Come on, Randy.
- 908. And what do you want
for Christmas, Billy?
- 909. A toy truck? Get him off my lap.
- 910. Quick, get me a towel.
- 911. Bye, Billy.
- 912. Oh, I hate the smell of tapioca.
- 913. Attention, shoppers.
It is now 9 p.m. and our store is closed.
- 914. Nine o'clock? Great Scott!
- 915. The store's gonna close.
- 916. Santa can't wait all night. Let's go.
- 917. Come on up on Santa's lap.
- 918. Get moving, kid.
- 919. Quit dragging your feet.
- 920. Come up.
- 921. Get him out of here.
- 922. Come on, kid.
- 923. Come on.
- 924. Come on up. Come on up there.
- 925. And what's your name, little boy?
- 926. Hey, kid, hurry up, the store's closing.
- 927. Come on!
- 928. Listen, little boy, we got a lot of people
waiting here, so get going.
- 929. Come on. Yeah. Come on.
- 930. What do you want for Christmas,
- 931. My mind had gone blank.
- 932. Frantically, I tried to remember
what it was I wanted.
- 933. I was blowing it, blowing it.
- 934. Come on, kid.
- 935. How about a nice football?
- 936. Football. Football. What's a football?
- 937. Without conscious will,
my voice squeaked out:
- 938. - Yeah.
- 939. Okay, get him out of here.
- 940. A football. Oh, no.
What was I doing?
- 941. - Wake up, stupid, wake up. No!
- 942. No, no! I want an official . . .
- 943. . . . Red Ryder carbine action
200-shot range model air rifle.
- 944. You'll shoot your eye out, kid.
- 945. Merry Christmas.
- 946. No!
- 947. And we're here to see the Wizard
The wondefrul wizard of Oz—
- 948. I'll see you in Oz, folks.
- 949. Well, did you . . . ?
- 950. Up.
- 951. - Did you see Santa Claus?
- 952. Did you tell him
what you wanted for Christmas?
- 953. - Yeah.
- Did he ask you if you'd been a good boy?
- 954. No.
- 955. Don't worry, he knows.
- 956. He always knows.
- 957. Merry Christmas.
- 958. Okay, down you go. Bye-bye, Chris.
- 959. Merry Christmas.
- 960. That's fine.
- 961. Now, wait a minute.
All right. Plug her in.
- 962. It is, it is.
- 963. Well, the green string is out.
- 964. No, the green is on.
It's the blue that's out.
- 965. Oh, don't tell me what color it is.
I'm not color blind.
- 966. I'm not color blind either.
- 967. There.
- 968. There, see, I told you it was green.
- 969. Hold it! Don't anybody move!
- 970. Hold it right there!
- 971. A fuse is out.
- 972. The old man could replace fuses
quicker than a jack rabbit on a date.
- 973. He bought them by the gross.
- 974. Oh, well.
- 975. My, isn't that pretty?
- 976. Hot son of a gun.
- 977. No, that star is crooked.
- 978. That star is perfectly straight.
- 979. - Careful!
- That'll do it. It's all right. That's it.
- 980. - Oh, be careful.
- I am, I am. It's—
- 981. Come on, let's set up the other thing.
Just let me get it fixed.
- 982. That's all right.
- 983. - Yes.
- 984. Perfect.
- 985. Oh, goodness, look at the time.
- 986. I hope Santa hasn't had
to pass up this house . . .
- 987. . . . just because some boys
weren't in bed when he came by.
- 988. Yeah, I thought I heard
Santa's sleigh bells . . .
- 989. . . .a little while ago going up
the other side of the street.
- 990. - All right, you two, upstairs.
- Come on.
- 991. Come on. On the double,
on the double:
- 992. Okay, let's get them.
- 993. Randy. Randy, come on.
Get up, Randy.
- 994. Santa Claus had come.
- 995. Wow, a truck. That's mine!
- 996. Wow, look over here! That's mine!
- 997. Oh, what's in here?
- 998. Oh, it's hard.
- 999. Fire truck. Oh, boy, that's mine!
- 1000. Hey!
- 1001. Does this raise?
- 1002. Dad, Dad.
- 1003. Merry Christmas!
- 1004. - Merry Christmas, you two.
- Merry Christmas.
- 1005. Now, Randy, no.
Wait for Christmas to start, honey.
- 1006. - I wanna play Santa.
- Well, wait a minute, Randy.
- 1007. You played Santa.
He played Santa last year, didn't he?
- 1008. - Yeah.
- Yeah. Ralphie, you play Santa this time.
- 1009. - Come on, Ralphie.
- Well, who should I start with?
- 1010. - Well, give Randy a present.
- Yeah! Yeah!
- 1011. And I think I see Aunt Clara's gift
to you right over there.
- 1012. She always sends you
such wonderful presents, Ralphie.
- 1013. - Give me mine, Ralphie. Come on.
- 1014. Come on, Ralph.
- 1015. Christmas had come. Officially.
- 1016. We plunged into the cornucopia,
quivering with desire . . .
- 1017. . . . and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice.
- 1018. Didn't I get a tie this year?
- 1019. A zeppelin.
- 1020. A can of simonize.
- 1021. Ralphie, what did Aunt Clara give you?
- 1022. I don't want to.
- 1023. Ralphie, show everybody
what Aunt Clara gave you.
- 1024. Aunt Clara had for years labored
under the delusion . . .
- 1025. . . . that I was not only perpetually
4 years old, but also a girl.
- 1026. She just always gives you
the nicest things, Ralphie.
- 1027. Oh, my God.
- 1028. Oh, isn't that sweet?
- 1029. - Ralph, go upstairs and try it on if you—
- I don't want to.
- 1030. Go upstairs right now
and try on that present.
- 1031. She went to all that trouble to make it.
Now, go on.
- 1032. While Ralphie is changing,
I'm gonna play Santa Claus.
- 1033. Now, let me see. What can I fi—?
Oh, I see something.
- 1034. - Randy. This is for you, honey.
- Oh, Jesus.
- 1035. - Oh, and this is for Daddy.
- Oh, boy.
- 1036. Here. From me to you.
- 1037. Thanks a lot.
- 1038. I wonder what it could be?
- 1039. Only one way to find out, isn't there?
- 1040. Well, it's a blue ball.
- 1041. It's a bowling ball.
- 1042. - Thank you, darling.
- Do you like it?
- 1043. Yes, very much. Very much.
- 1044. Ralphie! We're waiting!
- 1045. Oh, come on, Mom.
- 1046. Right now!
- 1047. Immediately, my feet began to sweat
as those two fluffy little bunnies . . .
- 1048. . . . with the blue button eyes
stared sappily up at me.
- 1049. Come down here
so I can see you better.
- 1050. I just hoped that Flick
would never spot them . . .
- 1051. . . .as the word of this humiliation
could easily make life . . .
- 1052. . . .at Warren G. Harding School
a veritable hell.
- 1053. Isn't that cu—?
- 1054. That is the most precious thing
I've ever seen in my life.
- 1055. Shut up, Randy.
- 1056. He looks
like a deranged Easter bunny.
- 1057. - He does not.
- He does too.
- 1058. He looks like a pink nightmare.
- 1059. Are you happy wearing that?
- 1060. Do you want to take it off?
Tell the kid to take it off.
- 1061. You'll only wear it when Aunt Clara visits.
Go on and take it off.
- 1062. Take it off!
- 1063. My God, would you look at that mess?
- 1064. - Who's gonna clean the papers up?
- Not me.
- 1065. - Oh, no?
- Randy did it last year.
- 1066. Well, he can do it again.
- 1067. You know, this wine is not bad.
- 1068. It's not good either, but—
You want a sip?
- 1069. - Yeah.
- No, you don't.
- 1070. - Did you have a nice Christmas?
- Yeah, pretty nice.
- 1071. Yeah? Did you get everything
- 1072. Well, almost.
- 1073. Almost, huh? Well, that's life.
Well, there's always next Christmas.
- 1074. Yup.
- 1075. Hey, that's funny.
- 1076. - What's that over there behind the desk?
- 1077. Over behind the desk
against the wall over there.
- 1078. Why don't you go check it out?
- 1079. Go on.
- 1080. What did we put over there, honey?
- 1081. Santa Claus probably put it.
- 1082. You . . . .
- 1083. Oh, it was beautiful.
I could hardly wait to try it out.
- 1084. - Do you know how to load it?
- 1085. Yeah?
- 1086. Be careful. That's right.
- 1087. Be careful.
- 1088. Don't. They run all over.
- 1089. Close her up. Close it up.
- 1090. Can I try it out, Ma? Can I?
- 1091. - Sure.
- Okay. But outside.
- 1092. Oh, I still say those things
- 1093. No, no! Put on your galoshes
and your coat. It's cold out.
- 1094. I had one when I was 8 years old.
- 1095. - What if he hurts himself?
- 1096. Ralphie, your coat!
- 1097. - Don't shoot any animals or birds.
- Except the Bumpuses' dogs.
- 1098. Oh, you hush. Be careful, Ralphie.
- 1099. Now, it is well-known
throughout the Midwest . . .
- 1100. . . . that the old man
is a turkey junkie.
- 1101. - A bona fide garley turkicanus freak.
- Go fix your plumbing.
- 1102. A few days before Christmas
his eyes would begin to gleam . . .
- 1103. - . . . with a wild and ravenous light.
- Go in the other room.
- 1104. Okay, Black Bart, now you get yours.
- 1105. Oh, my God! I shot my eye out.
- 1106. You'll shoot your eye out, kid.
- 1107. You'll shoot your eye out
You'll shoot your eye out
- 1108. Ralphie, you be careful out there.
Don't shoot your eye out.
- 1109. She hadn't seen. She didn't know.
- 1110. My eye's all right.
The BB must have hit my glasses.
- 1111. My glasses.
Oh, no, where are my glasses?
- 1112. Few things brought such swift
and terrible retribution on a kid . . .
- 1113. . . .as a pair of busted glasses.
- 1114. Stop!
- 1115. Oh, no.
- 1116. Oh, no. Pulverized.
- 1117. Oh, no.
- 1118. For a moment, I thought, I'll fake it.
They'll never know the lens is gone.
- 1119. Oh, no.
- 1120. Rapidly my mind evolved
a spectacular plot.
- 1121. Let's see, an icicle. Yeah.
- 1122. Falls off the garage
and hits me in the eye.
- 1123. It would work. It had to work.
- 1124. Quickly, I whipped up some tears.
- 1125. Ralphie?
- 1126. What's the matter, honey?
- 1127. Oh, what happened? What is it?
- 1128. Let me see that. What is it?
- 1129. There was this icicle
and it fell off the garage and hit me.
- 1130. Come on inside out of the cold.
What is this?
- 1131. - What?
- No, it's okay.
- 1132. Just read your funnies. It's all right.
- 1133. Randy. Wake up, Randy.
- 1134. Oh, God.
- 1135. It hit my cheek
and it broke my glasses.
- 1136. - And I tried to get out of the way, but I—
- Let's try this. Wait a second.
- 1137. There, see, it's just a little bump.
- 1138. Ralphie, you're lucky
it didn't cut your eye.
- 1139. Those icicles have been known
to kill people.
- 1140. - What's going on up there?
- Nothing. We'll be right down.
- 1141. You stay away from that turkey.
- 1142. It's got an hour to cook.
You'll get worms.
- 1143. But what about my glasses?
- 1144. You can wear the old ones
with the crack in them . . .
- 1145. . . . until we get you
some new ones, okay?
- 1146. I had pulled it off.
- 1147. But I left my gun outside.
- 1148. Yeah. Well, when you get dressed
you can go out and get your gun, okay?
- 1149. Hold that on there.
- 1150. Life is like that.
- 1151. Sometimes at the height of our revelries
when our joy is at its zenith . . .
- 1152. . . . when all is most right
with the world . . .
- 1153. . . . the most unthinkable disasters
descend upon us.
- 1154. Oh, turkey!
- 1155. Oh, my God.
- 1156. You sons of—!
- 1157. Sons of bitches! Bumpuses!
- 1158. The heavenly aroma
still hung heavy in the house.
- 1159. But it was gone. All gone.
- 1160. No turkey. No turkey sandwiches.
No turkey salad.
- 1161. No turkey gravy, turkey hash . . .
- 1162. . . . turkey à la king,
or gallons of turkey soup.
- 1163. Gone! All gone!
- 1164. All right! Everybody upstairs.
- 1165. We are going out to eat.
- 1166. No, no, no.
- 1167. Sing like this:
- 1168. Try again.
- 1169. Stop, stop, stop.
- 1170. Sing something else.
- 1171. No, no, no, no.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
- 1172. Kitchen. Bring food. For customers.
- 1173. Oh, I'm sorry.
- 1174. - Oh, yes.
- Look at that.
- 1175. It's a beautiful duck. Yes, it really is.
- 1176. It's— But you see, it's—
- 1177. - What?
- It's smiling at me.
- 1178. Okay?
- 1179. - Beautiful.
- Yeah. Yes, it's—
- 1180. - Wonderful, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
- 1181. That Christmas would live
in our memories as the Christmas . . .
- 1182. . . . when we were introduced
to Chinese turkey.
- 1183. All was right with the world.
- 1184. Oh, honey, come over here.
Look at this.
- 1185. Ooh, is that beautiful.
- 1186. Merry Christmas.
- 1187. Next to me in the blackness
lay my oiled blue-steel beauty.
- 1188. The greatest Christmas gift
I had ever received . . .
- 1189. . . . or would ever receive.
- 1190. Gradually, I drifted off to sleep . . .
- 1191. . . . pranging ducks on the wing
and getting off spectacular hip shots.