4th Man Out (2015)

1. Today's the day.

2. This is it.

3. Whew.

4. All right guys, I wanna talk to you about something.

5. Umm...

6. This isn't easy for me,

7. but I'm... I'm turning 24 today,

8. and I think it's just time

9. I told you the truth.

10. What I mean is...

11. Okay so the thing is that, uh...

12. Hey Martha, how are you?

13. Adam, I hope you like blueberries.

14. Oh wow. Thanks.

15. You didn't have to do all this.

16. Oh, nonsense. It was no trouble at all.

17. It's just leftovers from church group this week.

18. Oh yeah?

19. It's so nice to have a good strong man like yourself

20. - that enjoys my cooking. - Oh, thank you.

21. Oh and you're still free next Saturday, right?

22. Oh, Saturday?

23. My niece is definitely coming this time

24. and I have told her all about you.

25. Oh yeah, about that, I am actually...

26. Saturday is not really good for me.

27. - Oh, you must. - Okay, but...

28. - You must. - Well there's...

29. - You have to. - Can I...

30. - You'll be thrilled to do it. - You know that's...

31. It's got to happen, I tell you.

32. — Oh wait, did I catch you at a bad time?

33. Oh no, it's just, it's Chris.

34. He's just, he's picking me up.

35. Oh you boys don't get in any trouble.

36. Don't do anything the good lord wouldn't do.

37. Okay. Thanks. Thanks for these.

38. Oh I have to see Chris. I can't do it.

39. I've gotta see him. Hi, Chris.

40. Hey, Martha.

41. You have got to bang your neighbor, man.

42. It is the least you can do.

43. Nah, it's not like I'm keeping her tupperware.

44. Besides, she's trying to set me up with her niece.

45. Dude, then bang the frickin' niece, man.

46. What are you waiting for?

47. I don't think I could do that, man.

48. - The thing is... dude, I don't wanna hear your excuses.

49. You're too damn nitpicky.

50. That's why you're on a cold streak.

51. I don't care how busted this chick is,

52. give her your dick and keep the muffins coming.

53. Yeah.

54. It's gonna be an awesome night.

55. - Just take the shot. - Oh, another miss.

56. - Fee-fi... - You only get two shots dude.

57. - Fo-fum. - Yes!

58. - What's up fuckfaces? - Get in here, homos.

59. We leave for the bar in an hour,

60. I want you blacked out by then, all right?

61. Especially you, birth day boy.

62. Yeah.

63. What's the rush?

64. That rush is that I haven't had a Saturday off

65. in over a month...

66. Michelle, or from work?

67. - Uh from both, dude. - Uhh.

68. And I am going to savor every minute of it.

69. By being hung over all day?

70. Yeah, of course.

71. How'd you like that video we sent you, huh?

72. Oh, yeah. She was a real screamer, man.

73. And then that dude like dropped a dq blizzard on her face.

74. Yeah, I could never finish those.

75. It was almost as bad as the one I dropped on Ortu's mom's face

76. last night.

77. - Hey, watch the eye. - Domination.

78. Oh, Adam. You wanna get gay?

79. What?

80. You want a shot?

81. - I'll get gay. - I'll get gay.

82. Oh, y... yeah, sure.

83. Birth-gay. Birth-gay shots.

84. Birth-gay shots.

85. Boys, there are some good-looking girls

86. here tonight.

87. Best of luck to all of you.

88. Happy birthday, Adam.

89. - Cheers. - To Adam.

90. - All right. - So, uh...

91. Holy tits.

92. You gotta be fucking kidding me, dude.

93. You guys are so lucky you don't have girlfriends, man.

94. Look at those bombs.

95. You just bury your face in them

96. and be totally fine with it.

97. Yeah, I don't think

98. she'd be totally fine with it.

99. You don't think they're together, do you?

100. I think so, man.

101. I don't think they're together.

102. Okay, so, um... what I was saying before is-

103. is she looking?

104. - Uh, no. Look I'm... - What about now? What about now?

105. Vascular as hell, bro.

106. Never mind.

107. Jeez, man.

108. - What's going on with you? - Nothing.

109. You seem weird.

110. No. It's... It's just, um...

111. - What? - Um...

112. The girl to your right in the Fanny pack,

113. she's totally eye-fucking you.

114. Yeah, right now.

115. I'll be right back, boys.

116. I got a champ.

117. Oh yeah, just a quick... Quick selfie.

118. Is this Prada?

119. Uh, yeah. Actually it is.

120. It cost like $2,000.

121. I've never touched anything that expensive before.

122. I'm sorry.

123. Oh my god, you guys. We need to dance, now.

124. We need to dance right now.

125. We absolutely do need to dance.

126. Hey, Adam. You need to dance. Right now.

127. I've got a dance partner for you, right here.

128. - You do? - Uh, hi.

129. Hey, Adam. This is Adam, my dancing friend.

130. Oh my god. You're hot.

131. - You're drunk. - No, I'm not.

132. He's great in bed too. Real giver.

133. How do you know?

134. What? You don't sleep with your best friends?

135. That's selfish.

136. - Okay. - Very selfish. I'm sorry.

137. Why don't you guys make out right now?

138. Mm-hmm.

139. Okay. We'd love to.

140. - Should we make cut right now? - Um...

141. We'll do it, if they do it kinda thing.

142. - Ye... um... - I'm waiting.

143. You see the thing is, we've both been drinking.

144. - Yeah, we've been drinking so... - It'd be cheap.

145. Cheap. Very cheap.

146. Cheap, if we made out.

147. I really have to pee.

148. Oh, fuck yeah.

149. Hey. Did you just take a picture of me?

150. Umm...

151. I...

152. He was, uh... He was...

153. Snapping that guy's unibrow.

154. You think you're fucking TMZ or something,

155. taking fucking pictures of me?

156. I can't tell if he's surprised qr mad.

157. Hey. You got beef, we can step outside.

158. Fuck that, it's cold outside.

159. Yeah, man. Not all of us

160. wore our favorite leather jacket to the bar.

161. I said, let's step outside.

162. What's wrong with you? Come on.

163. Don't be a pussy.

164. You can do this.

165. Dude...

166. Don't yell at the little guy.

167. Just take a breath.

168. Relax your toes.

169. It'll come.

170. So you did take a picture of my sister's chest.

171. You let your sister dress like that?

172. That's your sister? What's wrong with you?

173. - Whoa! - Oh!

174. Chris!

175. Chris!

176. Listen, I know this isn't the right time,

177. but... I wanted to say that...

178. Fuck these chicks, we gotta go.

179. Unibrow guy got crazy. Let's get out of here.

180. Whoa.

181. - Okay. - I'm so sorry.

182. - Oh my god. - It's okay. It's okay.

183. You're fine.

184. - I'm gonna call you, okay? - Okay.

185. - All right. - See ya.

186. I'm sorry.

187. No, don't be sorry.

188. I scared him away. I mistreated his friend.

189. I'm a terrible friend.

190. Chris.

191. - Chris. - Hmm.

192. I'm gay.

193. Okay, man.

194. No-

195. I like guys.

196. Hmm?

197. I'm gay.

198. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

199. You okay?

200. You all right?

201. Fuck man. Yes, yeah. I'm fine.

202. It's... That's not you.

203. It's the excessive alcohol.

204. What the hell's going on?

205. I'm hurt, man.

206. Adam's gay.

207. I gotta take a shit.

208. I... I should just head out.

209. - No, no, no, no. - No, no. It's cool. I'm gonna go.

210. - It's okay. Let you guys soak it in. - No, Adam. No, dude.

211. No... Adam. Adam, it's fine, man.

212. What the hell, is he fucking with us?

213. Adam can't be gay, the dude eats steak every day.

214. He was eating out Dorothy CUDA in the 8th grade.

215. Dorothy fucking cu da.

216. I once saw him rebuild the entire engine

217. on a '68 mustang.

218. Was that before or after he ass-banged you?

219. Okay. Dude. Too soon.

220. I forgot I didn't drive.

221. So you're really...

222. Gay, huh?

223. Yeah.

224. - Cool. Cool. - Cool.

225. You've had sex with women before.

226. You dated Courtney for a year.

227. Cried when she broke up with you.

228. Yeah. But that was like,

229. that was like two years ago.

230. I mean, who have I been with since?

231. I mean, I just thought you had really oddly high standards

232. in women.

233. I do. They just need to be dudes.

234. So...

235. Why didn't you tell me before?

236. Well, I tried to tell you guys last night.

237. No man, I mean like, way the fuck before.

238. I don't know.

239. - Your parents know? - No. God no.

240. It's hard enough telling you guys.

241. — Believe me, I wanted to tell you before.

242. I wanted to tell you for, like, ever.

243. You know?

244. I didn't want things to be weird between us.

245. Hey, nothing's gonna change, man.

246. I promise.

247. What do we even talk about now?

248. I just can't believe you didn't know.

249. It was so obvious.

250. - You knew? - I mean, come on.

251. He's a good looking guy and he's never tried

252. to fuck any of my friends.

253. So? That doesn't mean anything.

254. My friends are hot.

255. You know, you should invite him over

256. - for a threesome. I'm sure he'd love that. - Oh, sure.

257. Oh that's a great idea. Yeah.

258. Let me call him up right now.

259. No, I'm serious.

260. You know, he wants you, right?

261. Shut up. No, he doesn't want me.

262. Now, just get hard

263. because I have a date tonight.

264. - Oh yeah, with who? - Just some guy.

265. - Oh. - Why?

266. - Are you jealous? - Not at all.

267. - Should I be? - Okay, well just take your pants off.

268. And don't touch my face,

269. because I feel like I'm starting to break out.

270. Oh.

271. Hey Paul.

272. Dude, I guarantee you a hot-ass MILF drives this thing, man.

273. For sure.

274. Actually, you know what?

275. I think she used to drive it,

276. now, the daughter drives it.

277. Oh yeah. Give that a whiff man.

278. I'm thinking 19. Strawberry blonde.

279. Volleyball player maybe.

280. Take a rip. Get deep.

281. Tell me I'm wrong.

282. Hey, come on. Get back to work here. Lets go.

283. Ronnie, we're checking the fucking mirrors, man.

284. Let's go, out of the car.

285. See, this one's broke.

286. I'm glad I checked this one.

287. This one was fucked up.

288. Think he's gonna show?

289. It's poker night.

290. He'll be here.

291. All right, boys. Last card.

292. Man, so, uh, Chris, you ever call

293. that Fanny pack girl?

294. Ah, no.

295. What's the matter'? Afraid your fuck buddy's gonna get upset?

296. Me and Jess are not buddies.

297. We don't even like each other.

298. So what's the problem?

299. I can't remember that chick's name, dude.

300. I drunkenly saved it in my phone like an idiot.

301. Let me see that.

302. I'm really good with this stuff.

303. - Train. - Train?

304. You saved her name in your phone as "train."

305. Ah, I raise 20.

306. Damn it, if you didn't get that ten on the river,

307. I could've sucked you dry.

308. Oh yeah.

309. Hey, uh. Can I see your phone?

310. Mm-hmm.

311. Sucked it dry.

312. All right, boys.

313. Daddy's all in.

314. Let's see what you got.

315. Stop that.

316. Cut it out, man. Come on, stop.

317. - Stop, just... - What?

318. But dude, cut it out!

319. I got two eights. Okay?

320. I call.

321. Aw, damn.

322. Fuck this.

323. - Oh that's probably Tracy. - Hmm?

324. Well, if it starts t-r-a, it's you know,

325. probably Tracy, right?

326. Yeah.

327. Yeah, I could see her being a Tracy.

328. Yeah.

329. Okay, I'm gonna head out.

330. Uh, I'll see you guys tomorrow.

331. Tomorrow?

332. Yeah, you guys are gonna come over

333. for the hockey playoffs, right?

334. Oh yeah. Yeah, see you then, man.

335. Cool.

336. Okay.

337. He definitely wants to fuck me.

338. This is all your fault.

339. My fault?

340. Yeah, with your Saint gay rom, and EDM.

341. You're the one who turned Adam gay.

342. Are you fucking serious?

343. You're the one who goes to all these Taylor swift concerts.

344. First of all, t-swift is a singing angel.

345. Mister skinny jeans and ladies' deodorant.

346. I've got sensitive underarms. It's not a secret.

347. Oh yeah, that's right. You do take bubble baths with th e...

348. Dude, you're the one who dragged us to see "les mis."

349. Oh fuck you, man. "Les mis" is a classic.

350. - Why don't you tweet about it? - You don't have time to tweet

351. 'cause you're too busy sucking Adam dry.

352. Oh, you were the one eye-fucking him all night.

353. Okay, he was eye-fucking me.

354. That's not what I saw, GAYLORD.

355. You're full of it. I'm not a GAYLORD.

356. I own a fantasy football team and I like "die hard."

357. Hey guys. Guys, stop. Stop.

358. We shouldn't blame anybody. He was obviously born gay.

359. No, no. It's fine guys.

360. Okay? I'll take the fall on this one.

361. He... I'm too good looking.

362. No, it's nobody's fault.

363. Because there's nothing wrong with him.

364. He's the same guy, right?

365. Right?

366. Another play by Stafford.

367. Perfect getting by him.

368. Myers passes up the wing to McGINN,

369. turns inside, gets slammed into the board side wall.

370. 30 seconds left to go on the power play down.

371. - Great start so far by the SABRES.

372. Boyle to Casey. Pushes it up the ice.

373. Looks for McGINN, taken away by Smith.

374. Goal, rangers!

375. And the game is all tied up.

376. The rangers time of backing it in

377. and the game is all tied up.

378. Can someone just say something, please?

379. Uhh.

380. So...

381. Um, you really like the cock, huh?

382. As much as you like strippers.

383. No one can be that gay.

384. Sorry. - No, it's fine.

385. Just say it, please.

386. I know you guys don't mean anything by it.

387. You guys have been saying shit like that fdr years.

388. You sure?

389. Yeah.

390. No one can be that gay.

391. Yeah.

392. Gay.

393. - Gay. - Gay.

394. It's empowering.

395. Coming.

396. Oh my god.

397. You guys watching porn again?

398. - Holy fuck. - Yeah, I know.

399. Fur a gay dude, he sure can't take a goddamn picture.

400. Dudemingle?

401. "Hey cutie, can't wait for tomorrow night"?

402. Think they banged?

403. I mean, I'd fuck this guy.

404. Put it away, Adam's coming...

405. Yeah, on BRADSTAWS lower back.

406. Good one.

407. - Icing. - Aw, come on.

408. You... you can't blow the whistle that quick.

409. So fucking gay... No offense, Adam.

410. No offense for what?

411. Well you said something about the gays.

412. And then you apologized to Adam.

413. Yeah. Adam doesn't like when we use profanity in his house, Martha.

414. He cannot stand that shit. Ah! Sorry, Adam.

415. - No offense, Adam. - Sorry, buddy.

416. I... I had no idea he was so pious.

417. I'm gonna take him to my church group sometime.

418. Oh, what is this?

419. I wouldn't try to... The ba'l_l'ery's dead.

420. I think my niece has one.

421. Oh, it's neat.

422. I can...

423. - Yeah, I'll take that. - Than ks Martha.

424. It was really great. Appreciate it.

425. - Uh. Umm... - You all right?

426. Yeah, I cleaned it for you. It's all clean now.

427. Oh no, nothing. I just feel a little faint, that's all.

428. I think I'm gonna go lay down.

429. You know, it's getting late.

430. Decent people lay down when it's late.

431. Okay.

432. Decent, that's what I'm doing,

433. 'cause I'm decent.

434. What?

435. Menopause, man.

436. It's a bitch.

437. My mom slapped a kid at Macy's once.

438. Hey. Sorry.

439. Uh, "Ghostbusters" was on.

440. Totally lost track of time.

441. Okay.

442. All right.

443. So, Brad...

444. When did you take that profile picture?

445. I'm sorry. That's not me.

446. Oh.

447. It's a little dishonest. Blah.

448. You know, but I felt like we had this real connection online.

449. And I didn't wanna run the risk cf not getting to know you better,

450. 'cause of something as shallow as looks.

451. Right?

452. You're not shallow are you?

453. So, how's your friend feeling?

454. - Kim. - Yeah.

455. She said she's never drinking again.

456. - Never? - Yeah.

457. Wow. So... Friday, then?

458. Yeah, probably, Thursday.

459. Probably Thursday. Okay.

460. Um, actually on Thursday it's karaoke night

461. at the rail.

462. Mm.

463. You should come.

464. - I should. - Yeah.

465. And bring your friend. Adam, was it?

466. Yeah, it was.

467. Are you inviting me on a date?

468. Yeah, like a... Like a group...

469. - A group gathering. - It's fun.

470. Yeah, it will be fun. I would love to go.

471. I don't think that Adam and Kim are gonna work.

472. Why? 'Cause she puked everywhere?

473. No.

474. He's gay.

475. - He's gay? - Yeah.

476. - Are you serious? - He's gay.

477. So, the two of you actually have slept together then?

478. No, that was a joke.

479. I didn't even know that he was gay,

480. until he woke me up and told me

481. the next morning.

482. Were you in bed together?

483. This is going great.

484. - Yeah, it's... love this place.

485. It's cool.

486. - Oh, I got this. - No, we can split it.

487. Oh no, you can make it up to me later.

488. Now what do you say we get out of here

489. and head back to my place?

490. You're gonna love my basement.

491. I got it totally pimped out. Xbox 360.

492. Have you ever heard huey Lewis and the news on vinyl?

493. You wanna take me to your basement?

494. It'd be fun.

495. Oh, did you want one of these?

496. It's all right, it's ROPEX.

497. It's really great for, you know...

498. It's made me feel so uncomfortable,

499. like having a gay guy around it's makes all us feel...

500. Oh my god. What is wrong with you?

501. - What do you mean? - Your friend just came out cf the closet.

502. Do you have any idea how hard that is?

503. Yeah. It's been very hard.

504. That's what I'm trying to tell you.

505. No. Not for you. For him, you moron.

506. Oh my god.

507. Your best friend just told you

508. how his life is gonna change forever.

509. And all you're concerned about

510. is how it made poker night awkward.

511. Well, and the hockey game.

512. I'm kidding. Let's-— Let's change the subject.

513. These mo-jitos are really good.

514. I know what you're thinking,

515. a basement. Real romantic, right?

516. Mm-hmm.

517. I'm telling you, it's totally discreet.

518. Not even my wife is allowed down there.

519. Shit, man, that's... That's awesome.

520. I would love to. But I just...

521. I have to go water my plants.

522. Water your plants, huh?

523. How does that one go?

524. Uh, you tilt your head to the side.

525. - Oh, okay. - Yeah.

526. Keep your eyes shut.

527. And then...

528. And then what?

529. So how was your date last night?

530. Aw, dude.

531. Long story short,

532. Tracy thinks I'm a giant asshole.

533. Oh, man. I thought girls liked giant assholes.

534. Not this one, man, she is different.

535. Adam, are you good?

536. Are you happy?

537. Yeah. I guess so.

538. I figured.

539. You seem happy.

540. I told you that nothing was gonna change...

541. You guys are trying.

542. Appreciate it.

543. You know, things could've been a lot worse with Tracy.

544. I doubt it.

545. - Really? - Yeah.

546. Was she 45, and married?

547. Did she want to take you to her basement

548. and make you her sex slave?

549. What?

550. Dude, what happened to you?

551. Nothing happened.

552. At least you have Jess, I mean...

553. I just want someone.

554. What are you talking about, man?

555. You're a good looking guy,

556. I'm sure you've broken a million guys' hearts.

557. Not really.

558. I mean, Scott lombardi,

559. but that was six years ago.

560. - Scott lombardi? - Yeah.

561. No. When you were helping him fix his Camaro?

562. Oh yeah... Yeah... yeah.

563. Oh, wow.

564. Yeah, but that was high school.

565. I mean, think about how many girls

566. you guys have been with since then.

567. Yeah.

568. We need to cheer him up, guys.

569. He's not happy.

570. I don't think he's been happy for a while.

571. Okay, well... I'm still not gonna let him fuck me.

572. Nick. Nobody wants to fuck you.

573. You're just... Now you're being a liar.

574. Guys, can we take this seriously?

575. I mean, do you have any idea

576. what a depressed gay man is capable of?

577. Writing a shitty emo song.

578. Winning a Tony.

579. Yeah, true.

580. But loneliness sucks.

581. I mean, what if Nick was lonely?

582. If hypothetically, Nick was a sad, lonely person...

583. - Yeah. -'Cause he pushes people away with his anger.

584. Fuck you, man. I'm-i plowed three and half girls this last month.

585. - It's more than you plowed in the last... - Half?

586. Okay, but Adam is a real person...

587. Fuck you guys, I've got feelings.

588. Well, then prove it.

589. Instead of turning everything into a fucking "your mom" joke.

590. Okay. What do you want us to do?

591. Yeah, there's like... There's like a...

592. The grinding kind of noise.

593. Yeah, it's, uh... It's the head gasket.

594. It's definitely the head gasket.

595. Oh, yeah. That's what I thought it was.

596. Yeah. Yeah. I'm fucking with you. Just change your oil.

597. Hey, can I... Can I ask you a question?

598. Yeah. What's up?

599. What's power bottom?

600. Do you really wanna know?

601. - Yeah. - No, no. Fuck it. I can't.

602. You're just gonna make a bunch of ass jokes.

603. Uh...

604. So, you read any good books lately?

605. Any literature?

606. Uh, yeah.

607. I mean I read an article about Kinsey.

608. Pretty good.

609. What's... what's Kinsey? What's Kinsey?

610. He's a sex scientist. Never heard of him?

611. No.

612. You want me to send it to you?

613. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that'd be...

614. Yeah, I wanna... yeah I'd really love to read that.

615. What don't you understand?

616. - You just swipe right if they're hot. - Okay.

617. You swipe left if they're busted.

618. All right, and then what?

619. Then you send them a message. Sample.

620. And there's always grindr too.

621. Yeah, but that's only if you want to try to have butt-sex

622. like five minutes from now.

623. The fuck is grindr?

624. How do you know what grindr is?

625. How do you know what grindr is?

626. Okay, I don't-i just don't think that apps are gonna work.

627. Well, you have to give it a chance, man.

628. Put yourself out there.

629. Flirt with them, but play hard to get.

630. Let them know that you're into them,

631. but make sure you don't text last.

632. Yeah, no, that's easy for you guys.

633. I have to walk up to a guy, and wonder like,

634. oh am I gonna get punched in the face?

635. And you guys can just walk up to any girl you want.

636. Yeah, but then we have to hang cut with girls.

637. Just once, I'd like to go out to a nice dinner and a movie

638. and not have to hold in a fart the whole time.

639. You fart around Michelle all the time.

640. Well it took two years of farting in a tupperware to get to that point.

641. So gross.

642. Ortu's right, man.

643. As a gay man, you have the ultimate advantage.

644. You're a fucking dude.

645. It's easy to get another guy

646. 'cause you know exactly what dudes like to do.

647. Yeah.

648. Yeah. Right?

649. Go with your instincts.

650. What do guys do again?

651. - It's a nice place. - Yeah, yeah.

652. It's good.

653. So, uh, your tinder profile said that "SCARFACE"

654. is your favorite movie?

655. Yeah. Yeah, it's one of my favorites.

656. Fucking right on, bro.

657. I hate these queers who think that being gay

658. is an excuse to have no balls.

659. I'm gay, but I love "scar face."

660. - Yeah. - No.

661. I fucking live it.

662. This was a terrible idea.

663. I mean, don't you feel it?

664. Everyone is staring at us.

665. Uh, I don't see anybody staring at us.

666. Just take a picture, why don't ya?

667. It's like she's never seen

668. two guys share a meal together.

669. It's like, sharing a meal.

670. - Tony would've hated this place. - I'm sorry, who?

671. Tony, my ex-boyfriend.

672. Oh.

673. So dark, and so mysterious.

674. Yet, still real.

675. I don't even know why we broke up.

676. Can't imagine why.

677. "Say hello to my little friend."

678. You like that? You think you're so tough?

679. Oh, she's looking at me over there.

680. - Yeah. - She doesn't like that one.

681. I... no, no, no, no. Sorry. Nothing against you.

682. We're just doing "SCARFACE." First date over here.

683. You want one of my French fries, bro?

684. It's just like a little phase that I'm going through.

685. I do a lot of girls too.

686. - Yeah... - so...

687. you look like you would.

688. Thanks.

689. He had the most fantastic cock.

690. Well he did.

691. It was this big.

692. I don't really know what I'm gonna get.

693. I'm probably just gonna get a beer.

694. Yeah, so many choices. I think me too.

695. Uh, so your profile says you're into gardening.

696. Yeah.

697. Yeah, it's just something I used to do with my mom.

698. I should probably know what these are,

699. but I have no clue.

700. I definitely don't.

701. You know, I always wanted to try that

702. but everyone says it's for old people.

703. - Yeah, I don't know why everyone says that. - Yeah, I don't get it.

704. Yeah I mean, I'm 24, but I don't have to wait until I retire

705. to get fresh vine ripened tomatoes.

706. You know?

707. I want them now.

708. You wanna get nachos?

709. Uh, yeah. I'd love some.

710. Two nacho platters on a first date.

711. What were you thinking?

712. First nice guy I meet,

713. and I almost make him pass out.

714. Fuck that arrogant prick, man.

715. He's not nice.

716. If you can't enjoy the smell of another man's farts,

717. then you don't want to know that man.

718. It's not that big of a deal.

719. It's just my parents, they, uh...

720. They smelled it too?

721. Wait, they were there?

722. No, my parents invited me over to dinner tonight.

723. Oh, wow.

724. Well, that's awesome man.

725. What's Karen making? Maybe I'll stop by.

726. I'm gonna tell them.

727. - Oh. - What?

728. Well, good luck with that.

729. I'm sure they're gonna understand.

730. Maybe you guys could come.

731. - Uh... this was tonight? - Yeah.

732. No, tonight I'm doing a...

733. Michelle and I have groupon.

734. I... I would... Yeah, I would come over,

735. but, you know, I'd probably...

736. Just say something stupid

737. and make it way worse.

738. Yeah.

739. What about you, Chris?

740. My parents love you. Maybe, you know,

741. like, make it easier.

742. - Of course, man. - Okay.

743. So Adam, how are things?

744. Mom, I'm gay.

745. I'm sorry man, can I just be your dad again?

746. No, I need to be ready for anything.

747. And don't be afraid to be mean, I can handle it.

748. That's why I have these note cards.

749. Meaner, okay.

750. - Yeah. - Got it.

751. Mom, I'm gay.

752. What? That's disgusting.

753. How could you do this to me

754. after I brought you into this world?

755. Anderson Cooper.

756. I'm a terrible mother.

757. Um... Ricky Martin.

758. I'm a terrible mother.

759. Neil Patrick Harris. Neil Patrick Harris.

760. What? Are your notes just a list of famous gay dudes?

761. No, I have lesbians too.

762. Okay. Forget the list, dude.

763. Just be honest.

764. What's the worst that could happen?

765. My mom has a heart attack and my dad freaks out

766. 'cause I'm never gonna give him grandkids.

767. Jesus, man. You're gay.

768. Not sterile.

769. And your dad collects antique clocks,

770. he'll understand.

771. Yeah.

772. Yeah.

773. Sorry to keep everybody waiting.

774. For your cooking, Karen,

775. I would wait all night if I had to.

776. - Chris. - I'll tell you, this salad is incredible.

777. How is everything? You still dating Jessica?

778. Yeah... sometimes.

779. - Okay. - Mm-hmm.

780. What about you, Adam? When am I gonna see you with a nice girl?

781. Gee mom, I don't know.

782. - Lindsay has a boyfriend. Did she tell you? - No.

783. - Actually mom, we broke up last week. - Good.

784. He's been trying to Snapchat me

785. nonstop since.

786. I hate Snapchat.

787. If he gives you any trouble, let me know, okay?

788. Adam and I will take care of it.

789. Yeah.

790. Chris, do you think Jessica has someone for our Adam?

791. You know what? You may be on to something there, Karen.

792. What about Dorothy Cuba'?

793. Didn't you two have a thing?

794. Uh, yeah. We went to junior prom,

795. like six years ago.

796. - You two were so cute together. - You were.

797. Did I tell you that I ran into her mother

798. - at the grocery store the other day? - Nope.

799. Yeah, and she told me that Dorothy is back in town,

800. and she's single, you know.

801. Great. So...

802. So... Make yourself available.

803. It feels like forever since you broke up with Courtney.

804. It's time to move on.

805. Get yourself back out there.

806. Yep. You're right.

807. And, uh, actually, I...

808. I have have been.

809. It's true. He's actually been going on a lot cf dates lately.

810. Meeting some interesting people.

811. Yep.

812. Anything serious?

813. Uhh, no.

814. I don't wanna sound like one of those crazy old mothers

815. that does nothing but hound her son for grandkids.

816. It would just be nice to see you with someone.

817. And what if I never meet somebody?

818. You will. You're gonna meet a great girl.

819. - Sooner than you think. - No, I'm not.

820. Because...

821. I...

822. I...

823. Elton John.

824. What's rocket man have to do with anything?

825. So you're going on a double date?

826. Yeah. I think Adam's excited about it.

827. Yes.

828. Aw. Hey, why didn't you ever set me up

829. with any of Jess's hot friends?

830. You banged two and then never called them again.

831. Okay, they never called me either so...

832. What... what am I supposed to do?

833. Oh. One second, boys.

834. I'll get it.

835. Hey Martha.

836. Hello, Chris.

837. Just dropping this off for Adam.

838. Could you see that he gets it

839. before it's too late in the eyes of god?

840. Yeah. Yeah, of course. Thank you.

841. Ortu, I hope you're hungry.

842. Oh fuck. Free cake.

843. Oh.

844. What the hell is camp leviticus?

845. I think it's one of those conversion camps for gay dudes.

846. If you wanna make a gay dude straight,

847. you gotta show a little more cleavage on that cake.

848. Actually, according to an article I was reading,

849. the apa has no proof that a change in sexual orientation

850. is even possible.

851. Hey man, sorry. We kinda outed you to her.

852. Oh, I don't care. She thinks we're all gay.

853. Wait a minute. You have a date tonight,

854. and you're wearing those pants with those shoes?

855. And that loose shirt?

856. You can't even see your abs.

857. So I tell the curator,

858. you see the name on the wall?

859. This is my gallery.

860. If I want to submit a 15x8, I'm gonna submit a 15x8.

861. And that shut him up...

862. So fast.

863. I bet it did.

864. Uh, what do you paint exactly?

865. Mostly abstract post-modern deconstructionalism,

866. peppered with neoclassical ideologies.

867. Wow, that's a lot.

868. So Jess tells me you're a mechanic.

869. Yeah. Yeah, I do mostly everything.

870. Small repairs, tune-ups.

871. - Great mechanic. - Than ks, man.

872. God, how do you do it?

873. You're going through life everyday, never creating art.

874. I couldn't imagine.

875. Yeah. Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.

876. You know, I actually sketch everyday.

877. I just don't have the talent that you have.

878. We should check out my gallery sometime. Maybe I can inspire you.

879. After you have to go to this GORDITOS place,

880. and across the street is this fabulous boutique.

881. I'd take some of my other girlfriends there,

882. but they don't have the body for the place.

883. - Oh. - I said it.

884. - Oh, stop. - I just said it.

885. - You said it. - There it goes.

886. You just said it.

887. I gotta take you to taco bell sometime,

888. they've got this fabulous new gordita.

889. Oh, really? Wow.

890. - Do I have the body for it? - You do.

891. - Oh, thank you. - You just said it.

892. - I said it. - You said it.

893. Marc do you wanna come outside and smoke with me?

894. I wanna hear all about this boutique.

895. Oh, usually I'd say no, but two MARGS

896. and I start smoking like a little hot tamale.

897. Oh. Wow.

898. He seems...

899. - Non-threatening... - I hate him.

900. Okay.

901. Oh, Adam. Nice to see you here.

902. Is this the reason you're not texting me back?

903. Uhh... no.

904. No, it's not what it looks like.

905. Oh no, we're not dating.

906. - Oh, I'm sorry. - Yeah.

907. Sometimes I fly off the handle. Sorry about that.

908. - We're engaged. - What?

909. Right, Chris?

910. Oh, this is Brad.

911. Brad, remember I was telling you about him.

912. - Oh honey duder, this is BRADSTAR? - Yeah. Mm-hmm.

913. BRADSTAR, it is a pleasure to meet you.

914. No, I'm not gonna shake your hand.

915. I could've given you everything,

916. you know that right?

917. You toss me aside for nothing but a gigolo.

918. - Whoa, whoa... - A pretty face.

919. He's not a gigolo. He's awesome.

920. He's my best friend.

921. What's going on here?

922. Who the hell are you?

923. Marc Peters, Adam's date.

924. Uh, yeah.

925. Okay, I see.

926. So, apparently I'm the only guy here

927. who you're not fucking, is that right?

928. Why didn't you tell me you're into group stuff, silly?

929. - Well... - Right?

930. We could go down to my basement, all of us.

931. - It'd be fun. - Ooh.

932. - A group thing. - Yeah.

933. Think about it, text me later, okay?

934. Okay.

935. Well, I should have seen it before,

936. it's so obvious, with your perfect hair,

937. and those, "look at my crotch," jeans.

938. Mm, and you should see him dance

939. when he gets two MARGS in him.

940. Right?

941. They're not...

942. Fine, call it bisexual. If it helps you sleep at night.

943. Okay. Okay, this is enough.

944. I don't know what's going on, Chris.

945. Tell Marc that you and Adam haven't slept together.

946. Yeah, tell him.

947. Well... I guess we didn't do a whole lot of sleeping.

948. No, we definitely did not.

949. Well, maybe like a little bit, like...

950. - Naps - like in between.

951. Yeah, but mostly it was just going at it.

952. Marc, you have no idea how good it is.

953. I mean, I hate even talking about it over dinner.

954. - But... - Yeah, don't brag.

955. I would die if I couldn't create

956. fabulous multiple orgasms with you every night.

957. Oh, that means the world to me.

958. Oh, thanks for the invite, Jess. But I can tell when I'm not wanted.

959. What? Really?

960. My boy e-Zach is DJING at the "UNSH-UNSH" bar tonight

961. and I was gonna get going anyway.

962. - Oh, it was really nice to meet you. - Yeah.

963. Kiss, kiss. Ew, ew.

964. Great headband.

965. - Ew. - Ew, ew, ew.

966. - Kiss kiss. - What kind of gay are you?

967. You are hating on your own kind.

968. Yeah, I don't hate him because he's gay.

969. - No, he hates him 'cause he sucks balls. - Yeah.

970. Oh, you are such an asshole.

971. I'm an asshole?

972. You're an asshole for making us hang out with this guy.

973. What made you think Adam would ever like that prick?

974. Well, Adam's gay. And he's gay.

975. So what else is there?

976. Uh, attraction, mutual interests...

977. Not being a giant, raging douchebag.

978. Oh, that's on your list too?

979. Well, since you two have so much in common,

980. why don't you fuck him tonight?

981. Because we're over.

982. Whoa, okay, Jess. We're kidding.

983. Fuck. I'll be right back.

984. Ahh.

985. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

986. I'm sorry, okay? We're kidding.

987. We're just joking around.

988. Mm, maybe you are.

989. But Adam's not.

990. You know, you probably shouldn't joke around.

991. You're only screwing with his head.

992. What are you talking about?

993. Chris, I told you this would happen.

994. Adam likes you.

995. Adam does not like me.

996. I know what I'm talking about.

997. I'm a girl, I notice these things.

998. Adam didn't even give Marc a chance.

999. He barely even looked at him

1000. because he was too busy staring at you all night.

1001. No, it's because looking at Marc makes you want to murder someone.

1002. Mm. Okay. Okay, fine. Don't believe me.

1003. But when you wake up one morning,

1004. tied to your bed with Adam's tongue in your ass,

1005. don't come crying back to me.

1006. Hey, man. There you are.

1007. You wanna get gay?

1008. What?

1009. I got some two shots. You want one?

1010. Yeah.

1011. Yeah, sure.

1012. - Cheers, man. - Cheers, dude.

1013. - Oh. - Ah.

1014. God, it does not get any easier.

1015. No, but can we have two more?

1016. Boo.

1017. Ahh.

1018. You should do it.

1019. - No. - Yep.

1020. - No. - Yeah.

1021. - No. - You should do it, you should call her.

1022. Abso-frickin-lutely not.

1023. - No, seriously. You should call her. - Never again, man.

1024. I don't care how hot she is,

1025. or how good of blow jays she gives...

1026. - No. - She's a crazy bitch.

1027. I'm not talking about Jess,

1028. I'm talking about Tracy.

1029. Oh. No, man. I already blew that one.

1030. If I call her now, I'm just gonna look desperate.

1031. Besides man, girls like her

1032. do not go for guys like me.

1033. Girls like what?

1034. You talk about her like she's perfect.

1035. You don't even know her.

1036. Oh, I know her. I know her.

1037. I know that she's got enough balls

1038. to wear a Fanny pack to a bar.

1039. She's cool enough to like MOJITOS,

1040. and "Ghostbusters."

1041. She's funny, smart...

1042. Aww, man.

1043. Now you sound like the gay one.

1044. Fuck you.

1045. Okay. Just fucking call her, dude.

1046. Hey, Tracy. It's, um...

1047. It's Chris.

1048. All right.

1049. Hey Tracy, uh, it's Chris...

1050. Um...

1051. - Hey. - Hey...

1052. I'm not here right now, so just leave me a message,

1053. and I'll call you right back.

1054. Um...

1055. I'm just calling... To make sure

1056. that you... You didn't...

1057. No one, no one bother, um...

1058. Uh, that everything worked out just fine...

1059. That even...

1060. Um, just calling to wish you a happy day.

1061. — Anyways... Cute voicemail.

1062. Uh, it's Chris. Bye.

1063. Here you go, dude.

1064. Nothing cures a hangover like a hit of DOOBER.

1065. Thanks.

1066. What'd you guys do last night anyway?

1067. Went on a double date with Chris.

1068. - Gay. - Really?

1069. Yeah, I mean, think about what can you not do

1070. on a double date?

1071. You can't get your fuck on.

1072. Am I right?

1073. Did you fuck her?

1074. You didn't fuck her.

1075. - Did you fuck her? - No. No.

1076. - You dirty dog. - Did not fuck her.

1077. See that's what I'm saying.

1078. — See, next time, bring her to your house. All right?

1079. So it's just the two of you.

1080. Rent a horror movie, clean the bathroom,

1081. put some candles out, man. They appreciate that stuff.

1082. - Put a tie on... - Hello?

1083. You know what I mean'? Also get the lube going before she-

1084. hey, got any visine?

1085. Why? Ryan's not coming back?

1086. Uh, yeah. No, I just... It's a customer.

1087. I don't wanna look unprofessional.

1088. But then I'm telling you, ten minutes...

1089. - You got any gum? - Your shorts are gonna be off.

1090. Gum? How hot is this girl, man?

1091. You know what, never mind. Forget it.

1092. Hey...

1093. - How's it going? - Good. Can I help you with something?

1094. Yeah, I think something's wrong with my car.

1095. It's been overheating a lot

1096. and sometimes it just shuts off completely.

1097. Ah, yeah. Sounds like it could be your radiator.

1098. Let's just pop it open.

1099. Eh...

1100. - Pop this. - I can get it.

1101. It's sometimes a little tricky.

1102. Oh. Sorry.

1103. Oh, no. By all means.

1104. Okay.

1105. - Oh. - I' ll get that.

1106. - Thanks. - No problem.

1107. You know what, it could be your DC inverter.

1108. Really?

1109. Uh, yeah.

1110. What's a DC converter?

1111. It's an inverter.

1112. It's this. It's what...

1113. Makes your car work.

1114. Oh yeah, they have arrived.

1115. The official invites

1116. to papa Ortu's fourth of July barbeque bash.

1117. See you there, and see you there.

1118. And you better rsvp this time.

1119. Fuck that, you know I'm going. Why do I need to rsvp?

1120. 'Cause my dad's sick and tired

1121. of running out of ribs.

1122. If you don't rsvp, you don't get any ribs.

1123. Whoa, slow down, tiger. What's up with you?

1124. I think I met someone.

1125. Seriously? Who?

1126. Well, I don't know his name exactly,

1127. but we had a moment.

1128. A moment? Like where was this, in a truck stop?

1129. No. How do you know so much about gay things?

1130. No. He... I don't even know if he's gay.

1131. Don't you have gaydar?

1132. Well, kind of.

1133. If you had gaydar, you'd know that Nick loves the cock.

1134. So what did this gentleman's pants look like?

1135. - Could you see his ankles? - Uh...

1136. Was he, like, wearing a tank top?

1137. Were his nipples pierced?

1138. Yeah, what about his underwear,

1139. did it have a brightly colored elastic band?

1140. Super jacked?

1141. He was a normal gay, with like earth-tone colors.

1142. Full length pants. No nipple piercings.

1143. I couldn't really see his underwear,

1144. but it was probably

1145. And he had muscles, but not, like, too muscley.

1146. He was probably, he was like a normal dude.

1147. Ooh.

1148. Uh...

1149. Oh. How did he eat a banana?

1150. How would you eat a banana?

1151. Like put the whole thing in and pull out just the peel.

1152. Okay, then that's exactly... I don't know.

1153. - He was just... - Guys, guys.

1154. Guys, it says... it says that people in north Korea

1155. aren't even allowed to eat bananas.

1156. They don't know what... They don't know they exist.

1157. I did not know that. Wow.

1158. Okay, look. Know is that this guy,

1159. he was super friendly.

1160. And at some point we like had eye contact for two seconds.

1161. Two seconds? That's nothing.

1162. That's just like being a polite gentleman.

1163. Like look...

1164. See. I'm not gay.

1165. - That's not two seconds. - You wanna do two seconds?

1166. - Two seconds. - Here we go.

1167. One Mississippi.

1168. Two Mississippi.

1169. I can't do it.

1170. - He's so gay. - Oh wow. Weird tickle.

1171. See, I... so, he's gay?

1172. He's gay.

1173. I think you're in luck.

1174. He's super gay, man.

1175. All right. Cool. I met someone.

1176. Are you wearing Cologne, dude?

1177. Yeah, it's to hide the pot smell.

1178. Did you smoke pot today without me?

1179. Are you... is this what these bananas are for?

1180. Who do you think drives this car?

1181. Um...

1182. I don't know, it's a hybrid, dude.

1183. It's got a "save the whales" bumper sticker.

1184. Probably some gay-ass hippy.

1185. - Really? You think so? - Oh yeah.

1186. Adam. Triple-a just called.

1187. Some girl locked her keys in the car over in hillside.

1188. Black wrangler. I need you to go now.

1189. - Oh. - Ron, I'll do it man.

1190. Did she sound 'i8 on the phone?

1191. Why so you can get stoned for two hours

1192. and jerk off in the Wendy's bathroom?

1193. Once. Hey, that one time.

1194. Yeah, it's all it takes.

1195. Here. Better get over there, Adam.

1196. - Oh I was... -I need you right now. Let's go.

1197. Um... 'Kay.

1198. You're all set. Thanks for coming in.

1199. Than ks again, thank you.

1200. Oh, hey. Hey.

1201. - Hi. +ll.

1202. Is there something wrong with the car still?

1203. No.

1204. You just, um...

1205. You forgot your chapstick.

1206. Oh.

1207. Did you take this from my glove box?

1208. No.

1209. Okay. Yeah, I did.

1210. But I was just... It was an accident.

1211. I didn't use it or anything.

1212. I just smelled it.

1213. Oh...

1214. Okay.

1215. Thanks.

1216. I'm gonna go here.

1217. Me too.

1218. See ya.

1219. I smelled it?

1220. Oh, you fucking idiot.

1221. I smelled it?

1222. Adam, what' d you smell, dude?

1223. Was it that girl? Was she here?

1224. Oh, I bet her titties were out today,

1225. it's so hot out.

1226. Did you see them? Were they big?

1227. Pleasant? Normal? Medium size?

1228. I don't know titties.

1229. I'm gay.

1230. - Hey. - Hey, man.

1231. Wash your hands and put on a clean shirt.

1232. What for?

1233. Oh shoot, they're early.

1234. Who's early?

1235. Adam, why don't you put on one of your father's shirts?

1236. - Chris, do you mind answering the door, please? - Whatever you say, Karen.

1237. Why do I have to change?

1238. Your mom invited Dorothy CUDA and her mother over fur dinner tonight.

1239. What? Why? Why did you do that?

1240. Relax. Don't be nervous.

1241. Dorothy likes you. Her mother told me so.

1242. Yeah, well what if I don't like Dorothy CUDA?

1243. How could you not like Dorothy CUDA?

1244. Uh, well, there's a lot of reasons why

1245. I couldn't like Dorothy CUDA.

1246. Welcome, welcome. Father O'Malley. Martha.

1247. What are you doing here?

1248. What are you doing out of bed, Adam?

1249. What?

1250. Now, I'm not here to impose.

1251. I know this is a difficult time.

1252. So enjoy your last meal with your family.

1253. I can give last rites afterwards.

1254. Last rites? Why would you give my son last rites?

1255. He's about to die. Isn't he?

1256. - What? - No.

1257. I'm... I'm sorry, father but it's worse than death.

1258. It's a matter of eternal damnation.

1259. Adam, what on earth is she talking about?

1260. I'm gay, mom.

1261. That is not funny.

1262. Do not joke like that in front of father O'Malley.

1263. I'm serious. I'm gay. I'm gay.

1264. I like guys.

1265. But... What about Dorothy CUDA?

1266. - What about Dorothy... - She's on her way.

1267. I don't understand why you don't understand this.

1268. I'm gay. I'm gay.

1269. Like... like...

1270. Mmm.

1271. So stop forcing Dorothy CUDA on me.

1272. Adam,

1273. I was eating that.

1274. Oh, seriously? You're upset about a frickin' sausage?

1275. Oh, come on. No, dude.

1276. The night is set. We're going to Duffy's.

1277. What about Adam?

1278. We will be there for him... at Duffy's.

1279. Come on guys.

1280. How many strip clubs have we dragged Adam to?

1281. Okay, that's irrelevant.

1282. How many dollars has he shoved

1283. down skanky Russian breasts for you?

1284. And how many times has he fixed your piece of shit car?

1285. - My car is not a piece of shit. - It's a piece of shit.

1286. When Adam came out, I told him,

1287. I promised him that nothing was gonna change.

1288. I think we've been pretty fucking cool about that.

1289. We've done a descent job, but it's not good enough.

1290. Things should change.

1291. He needs this, boys.

1292. He needs us.

1293. So where we going?

1294. Oh, you're serious... You're not gonna tell me?

1295. Okay.

1296. All right.

1297. Are we really gonna...

1298. Seriously?

1299. Remember, don't make eye contact with anyone.

1300. Never leave each other's sight.

1301. No matter what.

1302. Wait for us.

1303. Can we get four buds?

1304. Uh, actually, can you make those vodka sodas?

1305. We're in a gay bar.

1306. Vodka sodas it is.

1307. There's actually some girls here.

1308. We didn't come all the way downtown

1309. for you to be looking at girls.

1310. Yeah, man. You better get at least eight dudes'

1311. phone numbers tonight,

1312. and they better be fucking adorable.

1313. - Cheers. - Cheers.

1314. First time in a... okay. Nice.

1315. Act like you've been there before, boys.

1316. Uh, should we dance?

1317. Um, no. I'm good.

1318. Aw man, how are you going to meet anybody

1319. with your back up against the bar?

1320. Let's go.

1321. I'll hold down. Make sure no one roofies us.

1322. So much for sticking together.

1323. Come on, baby. Bring your "a" game.

1324. It's weird.

1325. - Like? - Relax.

1326. Feel the groove, man.

1327. There we go.

1328. Yeah? Okay.

1329. - You look hot. - All right, thanks.

1330. You look really, really good.

1331. - Shake your dick, let's go. - All right.

1332. Show him how it's done, man.

1333. Show him how it's done.

1334. Whoa. There you go.

1335. Shot, please.

1336. Wait for me, guys.

1337. - Adam? - Hi, what are you doing here?

1338. - Hi. - Are you-wait one second.

1339. Um, Chris.

1340. - Hey. - What are you doing here?

1341. I'm here with my brother and his boyfriend.

1342. And they' re really hitting it off with your friend.

1343. They sure are.

1344. Look, the voicemail that I left you...

1345. - What? - The voicemail I left the other night.

1346. I'm sorry, I don't know what...

1347. It's fine. Don't worry about it.

1348. Let's just dance.

1349. Okay.

1350. So that's the last time I order a hotdog in a gay bar.

1351. So how was your guys' fist time in a gay bar?

1352. I was just dancing. That is all.

1353. Honestly, I thought it'd be a lot gayer.

1354. I'm kinda disappointed.

1355. It was good.

1356. It was really good.

1357. It was good. So how'd you two meet?

1358. Actually we worked at the same office for years.

1359. I was already out to everyone there, Steve wasn't.

1360. So things developed rather slowly.

1361. Eight months of asking to borrow his hole-puncher,

1362. I thought he'd get the hint.

1363. So there's just one thing

1364. that I still can't wrap my head around...

1365. How dues a gay man let his sister walk out in public

1366. with a Fanny pack on?

1367. What?

1368. - A lot of testosterone. - Nice.

1369. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Tracy.

1370. I can do better, trust me.

1371. Wait, what did you call me?

1372. - Tracy. - Who's Tracy?

1373. Hmm?

1374. Who isn't Tracy?

1375. Okay, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

1376. Trainy, Tracy, Trainy.

1377. Just doesn't... It's so funny.

1378. Trainy? You think that my name is Trainy?

1379. He's kidding. He does... he does that.

1380. Like calls people "Trainy."

1381. - Hey Trainy. - He called me train for five years.

1382. He called me Trainy tranny when I came out.

1383. - He's a train guy. - Yeah.

1384. Wait, so what is my name?

1385. Could we have the check?

1386. I love this part.

1387. Yeah, me too.

1388. That guy's as ugly as you.

1389. Hey, shut up.

1390. Tricia. Maybe it's tricia.

1391. Maybe.

1392. Should I text her that?

1393. No, it's like 4am.

1394. Uh, yeah.

1395. You're right. Only bad things can happen.

1396. You get any dudes' numbers tonight?

1397. - No. - What?

1398. I was too busy dancing with you guys.

1399. Oh my god.

1400. We were totally cockblocking you.

1401. Yeah, it's okay.

1402. I had a really fun time.

1403. Yeah, me too.

1404. Me too.

1405. The fuck, man?

1406. I thought you were...

1407. Oh man, I'm sorry.

1408. - I should go. - No man, don't go.

1409. I'm sorry, I was...

1410. I'm drunk. I thought... you don't...

1411. Uh, Chris? What's happening?

1412. Just give me a minute.

1413. What's wrong with it?

1414. Nothing's wrong with it. Just stop talking,

1415. - you're making it worse. - I'm sorry.

1416. I've just never been with a man who...

1417. A man who what?

1418. I'm a little drunk. Just...

1419. Ahem...

1420. Maybe if we put it in your mouth...

1421. No, it's not your fucking birthday.

1422. Just suck on it. - Why don't you have Adam suck it?

1423. Jesus.

1424. Fuck you.

1425. Wha...

1426. I was just joking.

1427. - Why are you so mad? - I'm not mad.

1428. Wait. He didn't, did he?

1429. No, he didn't.

1430. Did Adam suck your cock?

1431. No he didn't fucking suck my dick.

1432. Jesus Christ. - And you liked it, didn't you?

1433. No, just stop talking about it.

1434. How 'bout that?

1435. Fine.

1436. You have one new voice message.

1437. First voice message.

1438. Hey Chris, it's me.

1439. I can't believe that happened.

1440. I'm so fucking sorry, I'm an idiot.

1441. I'm... I was drunk.

1442. And I just...

1443. I don't know what I thought

1444. but can you just call me back, please?

1445. Message deleted.

1446. Hey man, where the fuck are you?

1447. We're playing flag football at four.

1448. Uh, yeah, I don't know, man.

1449. Is Chris gonna be there?

1450. What? What's going on with you two?

1451. He asked me the same thing?

1452. Well, what'd you say?

1453. I said, "yeah. Our undefeated season is on the line."

1454. Yeah. Yeah, I'll totally...

1455. Yeah, man.

1456. Okay. See you then.

1457. - I'm really glad you called. - Yeah.

1458. What are you doing for the fourth of July?

1459. 'Cause you should come over.

1460. My wife makes the most amazing potato salad.

1461. And I could totally sneak some down to you

1462. after the fireworks.

1463. Oh... I don't know. I think I'm gonna go to a party.

1464. Okay, really? 'Cause you don't sound so sure.

1465. Yeah, it's just...

1466. I usually go with Chris, my ex-fiance.

1467. But I don't know.

1468. I don't think he wants me there.

1469. Okay. What, does he own you?

1470. - He owns you? - No.

1471. Who cares what he thinks.

1472. I do.

1473. So you've still got it real bad

1474. for this guy, don't you?

1475. He must really know how to get you off good.

1476. No, man. Why? No. Not everything's about sex.

1477. Okay, then what's it about?

1478. I miss him.

1479. Does he know how you feel?

1480. 'Cause you gotta communicate.

1481. Communication is the key to any healthy relationship

1482. oh really? And how would you know?

1483. How would I know? I've been happily married for 17 years.

1484. That's how I'd know.

1485. What do you say we go in the bathroom

1486. and suck each other off?

1487. It smells really good in here.

1488. What did you guys have for dinner?

1489. Is that what you came over at 10:00 at night

1490. to talk about?

1491. I'm really sorry if you're ashamed of me.

1492. Is that what you think?

1493. We're ashamed of you?

1494. I'm not ashamed of you.

1495. I'm pissed off.

1496. You kept a whole part of your life from us.

1497. How long have you known?

1498. I don't know, like...

1499. - Like ten years. - Ten years?

1500. Oh my god. I should've known.

1501. A mother should know these things.

1502. I didn't even know. I just...

1503. I just knew that I felt different.

1504. And I didn't know why boobs were so cool.

1505. You still could've told me.

1506. I wanted to, but I just...

1507. You always mentioned girlfriends.

1508. I thought you were shy.

1509. I am.

1510. I'm gay. And I'm shy.

1511. Well, I don't care.

1512. I don't care if you're the gayest,

1513. shyest kid in all of America.

1514. You're my son. And I love you.

1515. I love you too.

1516. Just don't ever do that to one of my sausages again.

1517. Okay.

1518. Honey, is there anything you want to add?

1519. I'll get the iced tea.

1520. I... heard the Ortu's are getting the good fireworks

1521. this year.

1522. Shipped all the way from China.

1523. Yeah. I don't think I'm gonna go.

1524. Did you forget to rsvp?

1525. 'Cause you know you can't get the good ribs unless you rsvp.

1526. Yeah, that's what I hear.

1527. I screwed up.

1528. I screwed up big time, dad.

1529. Just keep being yourself.

1530. And if you get hungry tomorrow,

1531. you can have some of my ribs.

1532. Okay?

1533. Yeah.

1534. Let's go, Chris.

1535. Our reservation is in less than 30 minutes.

1536. Okay, 30 minutes is plenty of time to get to cheesecake factory.

1537. Adam.

1538. Hey.

1539. Dorothy CUDA. Wow. You look great.

1540. - Thank you. - How are you?

1541. - Really good. - Good.

1542. Yeah. How are you?

1543. Good. I'm good.

1544. I'm gay now. In case my mom didn't tell everybody.

1545. She did. I... I heard.

1546. - I'm sure. - Yeah.

1547. Is it true,

1548. you shoved a sausage down your...

1549. Yep. Yep.

1550. - Yeah? - I did that.

1551. Happens to everybody. Right?

1552. Does it?

1553. Do you wanna go to the party?

1554. Yeah. Yeah.

1555. Let's do it.

1556. Okay, I'll see ya.

1557. Dude, did you really just do a casual slow-mo walk up in here

1558. with Dorothy cu da?

1559. Are you straight now?

1560. No. Definitely, definitely still gay.

1561. Thank god. So you're gonna put in a good word fdr me, right?

1562. Oh, she's way out of your league, Nick.

1563. What do you know, you're with that idiot.

1564. Yeah. Happy fourth of July, dipshits.

1565. Welcome to the Ortu's'.

1566. Baby, you like my outfit?

1567. You're so sexy.

1568. Just like a burly Benjamin Franklin.

1569. Oh, did you guys know Benjamin Franklin died of syphilis?

1570. Fact. He did.

1571. Hey, well worth the risk.

1572. So do you guys know where Chris is?

1573. Mm. I texted earlier, but he's being flaky as shit, so...

1574. Uh, yeah. I haven't talked to him for a while,

1575. but I'm sure he's gonna show up.

1576. What's going on with you two guys?

1577. Dude, it's freakin' Jess. Okay?

1578. She's got him by the balls. Power cf the pussy.

1579. You have no idea how dangerous it could be.

1580. Have you guys fucking read MacBeth?

1581. Can you please turn the radio down?

1582. I can't even think.

1583. Is that a prius with two kayaks on it?

1584. Who the fuck cares?

1585. And a "save the whales" bumper sticker.

1586. What are you doing?

1587. The cheesecake factory is on the other side of the mall.

1588. Do me a favor, hand me that hockey stick.

1589. Huh. I am not walking all the way over there.

1590. Chris, I am sick of your bullshit.

1591. Get back in the car, limp-dick.

1592. We're going to be late.

1593. Jessica, I think we should break up.

1594. Forever.

1595. Sorry about this.

1596. Maybe not.

1597. All right.

1598. Hey, is she looking?

1599. No, man.

1600. Fuck you, man.

1601. Aw, fuck.

1602. Hey. I'm sorry about the other day.

1603. - The sausage thing. - Oh, it's okay.

1604. Cookie?

1605. - Go ahead, take two. - Okay.

1606. Today we're all on the same side.

1607. - Whose, god's? - Oh, no.

1608. Don't be silly. America's.

1609. Do you think your gay lovers would want some cookies?

1610. What did you call us?

1611. Oh, is that chocolate chip?

1612. Ooh, oatmeal raisin.

1613. The vegetable of cookies.

1614. - Here you go, man. - Thank you very much.

1615. Attention. Attention everyone.

1616. I've got an announcement.

1617. Are the ribs ready?

1618. No father O'Malley, they're not ready yet.

1619. I promise you won't miss out this year. Okay?

1620. If we could just get the music turned down a little bit,

1621. I just want to say something.

1622. Guys?

1623. You guys know what that means, right?

1624. What's up, Chris?

1625. - Hey. - Hey beautiful.

1626. How are you?

1627. What am I fucking wood here?

1628. Hey, man. You came.

1629. Yeah, well, I RSVP'D, so...

1630. Where's Jess?

1631. Ah, we broke up.

1632. What dues that mean? You're not gonna fuck her anymore?

1633. I don't think I could fuck her if I wanted to.

1634. That's awesome, man. You can do way bet-fer than Jess.

1635. What's that supposed to mean?

1636. You guys weren't right for each other.

1637. You didn't even like her.

1638. How do you know how I feel? You don't know shit.

1639. Don't talk to me like that. You said you hated her.

1640. You told me you were straight our whole fucking lives

1641. - and then you tried to make out with me. - What? When did that happen?

1642. No, I thought you were trying to kiss me...

1643. - Man, fucking get over it. - Get over it?

1644. I was sad and desperate, I would've tried it with anybody.

1645. I'm not anybody, dude. I'm your best fucking friend.

1646. - Hey. Hey. Hey. - I'm so sorry

1647. - that my being gay inconvenienced you. - Hey, guys...

1648. Why didn't you tell me you were gay

1649. 20 fucking years ago?

1650. I was three.

1651. Jesus, come on.

1652. The ribs are ready.

1653. Dad, terrible timing, okay. I'm sorry.

1654. Look, guys. Cheer the fuck up. It's fourth of July.

1655. We're here gathered today to celebrate our country's independence.

1656. Red, white and blue.

1657. Ribs, beer, friends, family, whatever.

1658. But the most important thing to me right now is that

1659. I don't wanna be independent anymore.

1660. Michelle Valentino, can we stop fucking around,

1661. and make me the luckiest man that ever lived?

1662. Will you marry me?

1663. - Yes. - Good answer.

1664. Do I know what I'm doing? I don't know.

1665. Ahh.

1666. You're gonna be an Ortu.

1667. Congratulations.

1668. Dad, please put the ribs down.

1669. Holy shit.

1670. Did that just happen?

1671. Yeah.

1672. Jesus, man. How long have we not been hanging out?

1673. I don't know, man. A really fucking long time.

1674. Hey. Happy fourth of July.

1675. What are you doing here?

1676. Um, Adam invited me actually.

1677. Surprise.

1678. Sorry, I don't think you guys have been introduced.

1679. Chris. This is Rachel.

1680. Rachel. This is Chris.

1681. It's nice to meet you, Rachel.

1682. We're getting married!

1683. Are you gonna be okay?

1684. That must have come as quite a shock to you.

1685. You two looked so happy together.

1686. Seriously.

1687. This is gonna change everything.

1688. Hey guys. What's going on?

1689. Did we miss anything?

1690. Oh, don't worry, Karen.

1691. The party's just getting started.

1692. May I have this dance, mom?

1693. - What do you say, Rachel'? - What just 'cause you know my name now,

1694. you think I'm gonna dance with you?

1695. Well, it is dance party.

1696. Okay, we'll see what you got.

1697. Hey, Nick. Do you wanna dance?

1698. Yes.

1699. So, Adam. When are we gonna see you with a nice boy?

1700. I don't know, mom.

1701. I can't believe we burned through $89g worth of fireworks

1702. in 12 minutes.

1703. It's money well spent.

1704. Yeah.

1705. Man, I'm really sorry

1706. - about everything. - No, you don't have to be sorry, man. I'm sorry.

1707. - No, you guys have been really cool about this whole time. - Adam.

1708. - I was stupid and I didn't even mean to. - I shouldn't have acted like

1709. - it was such a big deal. -I was lonely, and if I could take it back,

1710. - I would. But I can't - it wasn't a big deal.

1711. - It was my fault... - So, can we just forget that...

1712. How did that feel?

1713. Honestly'?

1714. Like kissing my brother.

1715. - You sure? - Yeah.

1716. - Dude, it's okay. - No, I'm...

1717. Listen, I'm sure.

1718. Are we good?

1719. Yeah, man. We're good.

1720. Good.

1721. Told you he wanted to fuck me most.

1722. You never listen, Chris.

1723. I guess I never met a real life gay dude before.

1724. I went to high school with a couple of guys that used to make out,

1725. but that was just for weed.

1726. And then one time at a party,

1727. they gave each other handy's.

1728. That was just for, um...

1729. Actually, those two guys might have been gay.

1730. - Yeah, I think they were gay. - Yeah.

1731. Hey, Ronnie. I got it.

1732. - Eat your sandwich. - See that?

1733. - Hey. - Hey.

1734. Do you remember me? I came in about a month ago.

1735. Yeah. Definitely remember you.

1736. Uh, is everything all right?

1737. Yeah. Everything's great.

1738. Actually until somebody smacked this off my car.

1739. No way. Seriously?

1740. Who would do that?

1741. I have no idea.

1742. I mean, you don't need it to drive, but...

1743. If you want, I can put it back on.

1744. It just quiets the exhaust.

1745. It would take a couple minutes.

1746. Yeah. That'd be great.

1747. Yeah? Okay.

1748. I'm Adam, by the way.

1749. Matt.

1750. Matt. Cool.

1751. Very cool.