1. Hey, Melodie.
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2. Hey.
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3. Um, look, I know
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4. we've known each other
for a really long time.
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5. And we live across the street
from each other and stuff.
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6. And...
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7. I know, like, in four days,
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8. I'm sure, if...
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9. You know, prom's,
like, in four days...
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10. Oh, my God.
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11. You're not asking
me to prom, are you?
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12. Fuck, no.
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13. No, I...
No, I just...
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14. You're probably
going with someone.
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15. I'm sorry.
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16. I don't know how
to put this nicely.
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17. There's not
a nice way to put it.
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18. You're a fucking nerd.
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19. And, you know... I don't know.
She's hot.
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20. Look at her.
Look at her.
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21. Look at her. Look at her.
Look at her.
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22. I'll see you later.
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23. Bye. All right,
buddy, good talk.
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24. Dude, classic.
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25. Greg Jenko
to the principal's office.
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26. Greg Jenko to
the principal's office.
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27. Shit.
Good luck, bro.
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28. I said loud and clear,
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29. if you didn't get your grades up,
you weren't going to the prom.
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30. You, my friend, are
about to pay the piper.
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31. I should pay who?
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32. You're not going to the prom.
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33. Boy, you lucky
you even graduating.
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34. But I'm going to be prom king.
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35. I'm glad you had
a great time in school.
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36. 'Cause you ain't
learned nothing.
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37. Fuck! Fuck!
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38. Welcome to the Police Academy.
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39. Make sure your form is completely
filled out, then move along.
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40. Not-so-slim Shady, what's up?
Holy shit!
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41. Jenko, Schmidt, you're up.
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42. Oh, fuck!
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43. Oh!
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44. You're good at this, huh?
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45. Yeah, I am.
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46. Thank you.
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47. Such bullshit.
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48. You're really good at this.
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49. Yeah, I am.
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50. Hey, you want to be friends?
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51. Come on.
Come on, let's go.
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52. Come on, pick your knees up.
Pick your knees up.
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53. I'm telling you right now,
it's not a felony.
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54. Chill, all right? Look, if it
has intent, it's a felony.
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55. What did I tell you? Come on,
let's go, let's go, let's go!
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56. Let's go, let's go, let's
go, let's go, let's go.
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57. Faster. Let's go.
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58. Clear!
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59. Clear!
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60. - Come on, come on, come on!
- Stop.
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61. Yes! Yes!
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62. Let me see.
Let me see.
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63. Nice.
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64. Ten-hut!
Ladies and gentlemen,
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65. I present to you the
graduates of Class 137.
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66. Get ready for a lifetime
of being badass motherfuckers.
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67. Oh, lam.
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68. I really thought
this job would have
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69. more car chases and explosions,
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70. and less homeless people
doo-dooing everywhere.
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71. Do you guys really
think this is a police matter?
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72. To get your Frisbee back?
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73. Get your own fucking Frisbee.
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74. Shit.
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75. Shit! Shit!
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76. Yours isn't loaded, right? Huh?
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77. We're supposed to unload
them first, right?
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78. What, you... No.
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79. That's no fun.
Come on.
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80. Sign says,
"Do not feed the ducks."
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81. It's right there.
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82. Don't you... Don't...
Don't. Stop it.
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83. Don't. You did it. You fed the ducks.
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84. You feel like a big shot?
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85. No fucking way.
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86. One Percenters?
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87. These guys are,
like, big-time drug dealers.
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88. If we could take them
down as our first bust,
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89. we'd be off park duty for sure.
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90. You see what I see?
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91. Cannabis sativa.
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92. Chaka Khan.
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93. Chaka Khan?
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94. Gentlemen. We having
a little party?
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95. Have we forgotten that the
use of marijuana is illegal?
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96. I have glaucoma.
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97. I get nervous in crowds.
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98. Herpes.
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99. Then you won't mind if I search
your bike, now, would you?
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100. Go ahead.
You won't find shit.
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101. Get up.
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102. Cálmate, gringo.
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103. Man, you guys even real cops? You
look like the kids on Halloween.
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104. If those boys is cops, I'm DEA.
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105. I know, right? I know.
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106. It's hilarious.
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107. So why don't you show
us a little respect?
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108. Fuck you, pig-
Hey.
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109. You want me to
beat your dick off?
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110. You want to beat my dick off?
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111. I'll beat your dick off with both hands.
What's up? Let's go.
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112. That's weird, man.I think
what he was trying to say was,
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113. he's going to punch you so many
times around the genital area
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114. that your dick's
just going to fall off.
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115. Why do you have salt in your...
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116. That's actual drugs.
Oh, my God.
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117. Get on the ground! Hey!
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118. - Come here now!
- What do I do?
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119. - Chase someone!
- Chase someone?
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120. Are you leaving your bike here?
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121. Okay. All right.
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122. Don't run from me! You're
making it worse for yourself!
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123. No! Get out of the way!
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124. Stop!
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125. I'm going to shoot you if you
don't slow down, man! Come on!
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126. Hey! Come here!
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127. I'm not playing any more!
I'm so not kidding!
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128. I got him.
I got him.
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129. Freeze! Freeze!
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130. Hands up or I shoot you!
Freeze!
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131. That's it! Come here!
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132. Freeze! Stop it!
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133. You're a pussy!
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134. You got the right to...
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135. Give me that!
You got the right to...
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136. to suck my dick,
motherfucker!
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137. Oh, my elbow.
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138. You got nothing. How's my
dick feel in your ass, huh?
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139. Hey! Hey! How's it feel?
How's it feel now?
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140. That's right. Schmidt!
Schmidt, we got one!
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141. We got one!
I got him!
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142. Yes! Yes!
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143. Yeah!
We got an arrest!
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144. Yeah! We got him!
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145. Yes!
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146. Yeah! Fuck you! Yeah!
Fuck you! Yeah!
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147. What's up?
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148. Drop my nuts on your
motherfucking forehead!
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149. That's right.
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150. Fuck you, park!
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151. We arrest people now!
What up, park?
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152. What's up?
What's up?
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153. What up, park?
Who wants one?
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154. Congratulations on the bust, boys.
It sounds great.
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155. - Thank you, Cinnamon.
- Are those new?
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156. The department was forced
to drop the charges
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157. because you forgot to
read him his Miranda rights.
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158. What possible reason is there
for not doing the only thing
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159. you have to do when
arresting someone?
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160. I did read him his right...
I did a version of that.
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161. Do you even know
the Miranda rights?
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162. Yes.
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163. Let's hear them, then.
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164. You got a lot of stuff to do.
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165. No, go ahead.
You going anywhere, Schmidt?
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166. We got time.
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167. I had a thing, but I can
probably push it back.
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168. Go ahead. It's four declamatory
sentences, followed by a question,
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169. for a total of 57 words.
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170. Okay. Look,
it obviously starts with,
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171. "You have the right
to remain silent."
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172. I know you've heard
this before. And then,
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173. I think it
sounds something like...
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174. "You have
the right to an attorney."
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175. Well, the thing...
Yeah, right.
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176. "You have the right
to remain an attorney."
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177. Did you say that you have
the right to be an attorney?
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178. You do have the right to be
an attorney, if you want to.
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179. Where were you?
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180. I was chasing my perp, sir.
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181. And how did that go for you?
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182. Honestly, he did get away,
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183. and he threw me
down pretty hard.
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184. Actually fucked up
my elbow pretty bad.
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185. Can I see that?
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186. Yeah, actually, it hurts 'cause
the dirt gets mushed into it.
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187. Cw!
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188. Wow.
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189. Fortunately for you two,
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190. we're reviving a canceled undercover
police program from the '80s
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191. and revamping it
for modern times.
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192. You see, the guys in
charge of this stuff
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193. lack creativity and are
completely out of ideas,
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194. so all they do now
is recycle shit from the past
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195. and expect us
all not to notice.
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196. One of these programs
involves the use of young,
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197. immature-seeming officers.
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198. Sir, are you saying
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199. that you're going to
send us into, like,
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200. a child sex slavery
ring or something?
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201. Sir, if I have to suck
somebody's dick, I will.
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202. It's just...
I'd prefer not to.
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203. I think you idiots are perfect.
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204. You're officially transferred.
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205. All right. Yeah.
That's great.
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206. Where should we report to?
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207. Down on Jump Street.
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208. 37 Jump Street.
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209. No, that doesn't sound right.
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210. Is it...
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211. This has got to be a joke.
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212. This is it.
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213. Aroma of Christ Church?
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214. How's it going?
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215. This place is weird.
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216. Everybody comfortable?
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217. Yeah.
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218. Get your motherfucking ass up
when I'm talking!
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219. You will be going undercover
as high school students.
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220. You are here simply
because you look young.
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221. You some Justin Beaver,
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222. Miley Cyrus-looking
motherfuckers.
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223. Captain Sassy.
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224. I know what you're thinking,
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225. "Angry Black Captain."
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226. It ain't nothing but
a stupid stereotype.
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227. Well, guess what,
motherfuckers.
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228. I'm black.
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229. And I worked my ass
off to be the captain!
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230. And sometimes I get angry.
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231. So suck a dick!
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232. What I'm trying to show you is,
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233. embrace your stereotypes.
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234. Like this guy right here.
Handsome.
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235. And he's probably a dummy.
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236. And then this guy.
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237. He's short and insecure.
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238. And he's probably
good with money.
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239. You are good with money.
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240. What the fuck?
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241. Didn't somebody tell you guys
this was an undercover unit?
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242. I don't...
I actually didn't...
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243. I didn't get
a letter or anything.
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244. Yeah, like, a start time...
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245. With a dress code or
anything like that.
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246. Teenage the fuck up!
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247. Rule number one at
Jump Street. Fugazy.
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248. Do not get expelled.
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249. Nobody in the system knows you're here.
All right? Nobody.
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250. You get kicked out of school,
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251. your monkey ass is getting
kicked out of Jump Street.
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252. Rule number two Burns.
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253. Do not have sexual relations
with students or teachers, sir.
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254. You hear that?
That's you.
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255. Don't do it, man.
Why...
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256. Keep that dirty dick in your pants.
Dirty?
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257. Don't fuck no students.
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258. Don't fuck no teachers.
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259. Sir, I know we come off
as a couple of lady-killers,
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260. but I promise you we will be
super professional on the job.
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261. Clearly, I wasn't
talking to you, Big Titties.
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262. You cherub-looking
motherfucker.
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263. I was talking to
your partner over here.
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264. Fake-ass Handsome McGee.
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265. When I'm talking to him,
I'm talking to him.
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266. When I say, "Shut the fuck up,"
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267. I'm talking to you.
Cool.
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268. Now, you two sons of bitches,
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269. in my office now.
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270. Right now!
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271. Hi. I am Billiam Willingham.
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272. So I bought these,
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273. which is all anybody seems
to be talking about right now.
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274. Cheers.
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275. It's a new synthetic drug.
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276. Goes by the street name H.F.S.
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277. Holy fucking shit.
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278. Holy...
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279. They put this on the Internet
for everybody to see?
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280. They're teenagers, man.
They're really stupid.
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281. So you should blend right in.
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282. Jessica, will you
go to prom with me?
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283. But I already know the answer.
It's yes.
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284. Whoo!
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285. I could watch this kid all day.
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286. Man, this kid rules.
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287. Ruled.
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288. His parents found him OD'd
in his room a few days ago.
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289. He's dead.
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290. Whatever he took, the lab
has never seen it before.
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291. And as you can see,
this kid is white.
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292. That means people
actually give a shit.
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293. Sir, I just want
to throw out to you
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294. that I would give
a shit if he was black.
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295. Right now, H.F.S. is contained
right there at Sagan High.
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296. Now, once this drug breaks containment,
it goes viral in a few days.
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297. Jenko, I looked at
your old transcript.
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298. I enrolled you in
a bunch of bullshit courses
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299. like photography and drama.
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300. Get in with the burnouts
and the cool kids.
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301. Find out who's
slinging this shit.
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302. Schmidt, says you were a virgin
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303. through high school.
It says that?
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304. No. I just assumed it,
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305. due to your many
years on the honor roll
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306. and your membership
to the juggling squad.
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307. It's the Juggling Society,
but it's fine. It's fine.
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308. They're stealing equipment
from the chemistry lab.
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309. That's what we think
they're cooking the dope with.
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310. I enrolled you into
honors chemistry.
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311. Here's your new identities,
all right?
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312. Brad and Doug McQuaid.
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313. The mission is this.
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314. Infiltrate the dealers,
find the supplier.
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315. We get to be brothers?
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316. Infiltrate the dealers,
find the supplier.
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317. But if we find
the supplier first,
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318. we don't have to
worry about the dealers.
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319. God damn. Infiltrate the
dealers, find the supplier.
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320. Hey, Korean Jesus.
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321. I don't know if you only cater
to Korean Christians
Copy !req
322. or if you even exist.
No offense.
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323. I just...
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324. I'm really freaked out about
going back to high school.
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325. It was just
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326. so fucking hard the first time.
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327. I know we haven't made our first
arrest, or maybe I'm not the best cop.
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328. Korean Jesus, I just really
don't want to fuck this up.
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329. I'm sorry for swearing so much.
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330. The end?
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331. I don't really know how
to end a prayer. The end?
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332. Yeah.
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333. Hey! Hey!
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334. Stop fucking with Korean Jesus!
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335. He ain't got time for
your problems. He busy!
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336. With Korean shit.
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337. You two get to
your mama house ASAP.
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338. What?
Copy !req
339. You're teenagers now,
all right?
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340. You two are staying
at Schmidt's parents' house
Copy !req
341. for the duration
of this assignment.
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342. Oh, fuck me.
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343. This house is adorable.
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344. My baby's home!
Come here.
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345. You will always be my infant angel baby child.
There's my guy.
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346. It's great to see you guys.
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347. Hey. Schmidt family!
Up top, Papa Schmidt.
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348. Oh, my God. Mama Schmidt, did
you do all this yourself?
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349. This is unbelievable.
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350. Well, yeah.
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351. I guess I did.
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352. It's gorgeous!
Copy !req
353. So are you.
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354. Honey, listen,
I want to tell you,
Copy !req
355. we did blow up the air
mattress in your room
Copy !req
356. 'cause we're kind of using
that as a workout area,
Copy !req
357. so I hope you don't
mind the elliptical.
Copy !req
358. No, no! Jenko, Jenko, oh,
my God, please. No, no.
Copy !req
359. Don't touch that. We just
brought it back from Sedona.
Copy !req
360. Guys, can we get rid
of this stuff?
Copy !req
361. I mean, it looks like
I died in a car crash
Copy !req
362. and you guys haven't moved on.
Copy !req
363. Rid of it?
Copy !req
364. If we take it down, we have
to stop bragging about you.
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365. I look like Fred Savage
from The Wonder Years,
Copy !req
366. but completely naked, wearing
Indian friendship bracelets.
Copy !req
367. That is a great picture, Morton.
Mmm-hmm.
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368. You look like a young Jay Leno.
Copy !req
369. Am I even wearing underwear
in this picture?
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370. Umm...
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371. No.
Copy !req
372. I remember.
You know why?
Copy !req
373. Because I've told it to a
therapist about 8,000 times.
Copy !req
374. I mean, this is a fourth grade
Copy !req
375. participation medal for soccer.
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376. It's literally
a medal for sucking.
Copy !req
377. No, that is a medal for trying.
Yes.
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378. Let me tell you something. This
guy was always a great tryer.
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379. That must be Phyllis.
She is just dying to see you.
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380. What? Mom, you told
Phyllis I was here?
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381. She's going to tell
the whole neighborhood.
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382. I told you, it's an undercover assignment.
It's super secretive.
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383. "Undercover."
That's so cute.
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384. I'm going upstairs.
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385. Okay, honey.
I want you to know
Copy !req
386. we are so glad you're here.
Okay.
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387. That's great.
Thank you.
Copy !req
388. All right.
Where is he?
Copy !req
389. He's upstairs.
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390. He just needs to
take a little rest,
Copy !req
391. and then he's
dying to see you, too.
Copy !req
392. Bye-bye.
Copy !req
393. I baked muffins!
Copy !req
394. If you don't know your
identity, we're screwed tomorrow.
Copy !req
395. You got to study this stuff.
Copy !req
396. Forget those identities.
They're bullshit.
Copy !req
397. They said I was
held back a year.
Copy !req
398. You were. You were
held back two years.
Copy !req
399. Just 'cause it's
a fake backstory
Copy !req
400. doesn't mean it
doesn't hurt my feelings.
Copy !req
401. Fuck! Socks don't match.
Copy !req
402. I got to start all over.
Copy !req
403. It's the first day of school, dude.
I got to look awesome.
Copy !req
404. You know, back in the
day, you were super popular,
Copy !req
405. and I wasn't as much.
Copy !req
406. We didn't really get
along in high school.
Copy !req
407. You don't think that's going
to happen again, do you?
Copy !req
408. No. Come on, man. We're adults now.
We're best buds.
Copy !req
409. It's definitely not
going to happen again.
Copy !req
410. We're good.
Cool.
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411. Beautiful day out there, boys.
Copy !req
412. Just shut up.
Copy !req
413. "Anything you say can and will
be used against you in a court of law."
Copy !req
414. "You have the right
to an attorney."
Copy !req
415. "If you cannot afford an attorney,
one will be appointed..."
Copy !req
416. Dude, do you still not know the
Miranda rights? You're a cop.
Copy !req
417. Come on, man. They always cutaway
on TV before they finish them.
Copy !req
418. All right, let's do it.
Copy !req
419. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What?
Copy !req
420. What are you doing?
Copy !req
421. What? What are you talking about?
Are you two-strapping?
Copy !req
422. My backpack? Yeah.
Copy !req
423. Yeah, I got to be
seen with you.
Copy !req
424. You got to one-strap it.
Copy !req
425. Seriously, I would no-strap it
if that would even be possible.
Copy !req
426. Okay, what makes you the expert?
Copy !req
427. I was cool in high school,
and you weren't.
Copy !req
428. Okay, that makes sense.
Continue.
Copy !req
429. The Three Keys of Coolness
in High School, by Jenko.
Copy !req
430. One, don't try hard at anything.
Copy !req
431. Okay? Two, make fun
of people who do try.
Copy !req
432. Three, be handsome.
Copy !req
433. Four, if anyone steps to you
on the first day of school,
Copy !req
434. you punch them
directly in the face.
Copy !req
435. Five, drive a kick-ass car.
Copy !req
436. Shit.
Copy !req
437. All right, but just don't be
driving it like teenagers,
Copy !req
438. revving up the engine
and shit, okay?
Copy !req
439. We would never.
Copy !req
440. Come on, Hoffs.
Give us a little credit.
Copy !req
441. Hey, you ready?
Go!
Copy !req
442. That was awesome!
That was amazing.
Copy !req
443. Was I flying?
That was amazing.
Copy !req
444. All right, do mine, do mine.
Copy !req
445. Okay, ready?
Here I go.
Copy !req
446. Yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
447. You Okay?
Copy !req
448. I think I shit my pants.
Copy !req
449. Hey, park in
that handicapped spot.
Copy !req
450. It'll make us look cool.
Copy !req
451. That's awesome.
Copy !req
452. Dude?
Copy !req
453. Everybody's
two-strapping it.
Copy !req
454. Just stay with
the one-strap.
Copy !req
455. I can't. I can't.
I can't right now.
Copy !req
456. What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Copy !req
457. Don't succumb to
the peer pressure.
Copy !req
458. What are you doing? You're
supposed to use two straps.
Copy !req
459. One strap is peer pressure.
Copy !req
460. No. No. You're fucking
up right now.
Copy !req
461. Okay, those are Goths.
Copy !req
462. Those are nerds.
Copy !req
463. I don't know what they are.
Copy !req
464. What the fuck are those things?
Copy !req
465. I'm so confused right now.
Copy !req
466. Whoa.
Copy !req
467. Hi.
Copy !req
468. Hey.
Copy !req
469. Hey.
Good morning.
Copy !req
470. Hey, yo. Hey.
Copy !req
471. Is that your car?
Yeah.
Copy !req
472. What's that thing get,
10 miles to the gallon?
Copy !req
473. No, try, like, seven.
Copy !req
474. What about you?
Biodiesel, dawg.
Copy !req
475. Smells like egg rolls.
Copy !req
476. Yeah, it does.
Copy !req
477. Runs on leftover fry oil
from Hunan Palace.
Copy !req
478. But we try to
ride bikes when we can.
Copy !req
479. Global crisis and whatnot.
Copy !req
480. Whatever, man.
Copy !req
481. I don't care about anything.
Copy !req
482. You don't care
about the environment?
Copy !req
483. That's kind of fucked up, man.
Copy !req
484. Hey, hey,
will y'all shut the hell up?
Copy !req
485. I'm trying to study.
Thanks.
Copy !req
486. Look at him. He's trying.
Copy !req
487. He's actually trying.
What a nerd.
Copy !req
488. Look at the nerd.
Look at the nerd.
Copy !req
489. Look at him.
Look at the nerd.
Copy !req
490. Who you calling a nerd, man?
Copy !req
491. I'm sorry. What...
Copy !req
492. Shit!
Shit, dude.
Copy !req
493. Are you okay, man? Hey, what the hell?
Are you serious?
Copy !req
494. Well, turn that
gay-ass music off.
Copy !req
495. You punched me because I'm gay?
What?
Copy !req
496. No. Oh, Come on.
Copy !req
497. That's not cool, man.
Copy !req
498. That is really insensitive.
Copy !req
499. I didn't punch him
because he's gay.
Copy !req
500. I punched him,
Copy !req
501. and then he happened to turn
out to be gay afterwards.
Copy !req
502. I was gay when you punched me!
Copy !req
503. In a weird way,
Copy !req
504. it might have been
homophobic not to punch you
Copy !req
505. just because you were gay.
Right.
Copy !req
506. You punched a little gay
black kid in the face,
Copy !req
507. and it's not even second period.
How do you explain that?
Copy !req
508. Mr. Dadier, I'm so sorry about that.
I just...
Copy !req
509. Look, guys, I'm going
to relate to you, okay?
Copy !req
510. A kid died the other
day from drugs,
Copy !req
511. and nobody, including me,
is doing anything about it.
Copy !req
512. That's weird, guys.
Copy !req
513. And then you two show up,
with 30 days left,
Copy !req
514. causing trouble in my school.
Copy !req
515. I am one more black gay kid
getting punched in the face
Copy !req
516. away from a nervous breakdown.
Copy !req
517. Do I make myself clear?
Copy !req
518. You guys cross my line again,
Copy !req
519. and you walk into this office,
I'm going to expel you.
Copy !req
520. You got me?
Copy !req
521. All right, let's do this.
Which one of you is Doug?
Copy !req
522. Let's do that again and pretend
you guys aren't weird.
Copy !req
523. Which one of you is named Doug?
Copy !req
524. No, dude, I'm Brad.
Okay, good.
Copy !req
525. So that means your
name is Doug, son.
Copy !req
526. Yeah, I'm Doug.
Great.
Copy !req
527. Here are your class schedules.
Copy !req
528. Funny, I wouldn't have taken
you for the brainy type.
Copy !req
529. I wouldn't. But you as a drama
geek, far less surprising.
Copy !req
530. Thank you.
Copy !req
531. Now we have the wrong
identities, you dumb-ass.
Copy !req
532. I'm in drama.
I suck at drama.
Copy !req
533. It's girly and embarrassing.
Copy !req
534. Oh, my God. Relax, dude.
Who cares?
Copy !req
535. I can fake my way
through band practice
Copy !req
536. and app chemistry
for a few weeks.
Copy !req
537. AP Chemistry. AP Chemistry.
And, no, you can't,
Copy !req
538. because you don't even know what
it's actually fucking called!
Copy !req
539. It's going to be fine.
Copy !req
540. You go to my classes,
and I'm going to go to yours.
Copy !req
541. Okay, now, chemistry's
the one with
Copy !req
542. the shapes and shit, right?
Copy !req
543. Fuck.
Copy !req
544. So, we are going to hold auditions
for the Peter Pan part today.
Copy !req
545. Billiam would've
wanted the show to go on.
Copy !req
546. When I was a young actor just
starting out in New York state,
Copy !req
547. Albany, to be exact,
Copy !req
548. I booked a local
television commercial...
Copy !req
549. Hey.
Copy !req
550. In which I had to
play a young man...
Copy !req
551. It's really sad about
that kid. He was talented.
Copy !req
552. So are you saying if he wasn't
talented, it would be less sad?
Copy !req
553. No. No, no, no,
that's not what I meant.
Copy !req
554. I was just busting your balls.
Copy !req
555. Okay. Good.
Copy !req
556. I remember, one time, doing cocaine
with Willie Nelson's horse,
Copy !req
557. and we were having so much fun.
Copy !req
558. And then I realized
that she was dead.
Copy !req
559. I remember one summer...
Copy !req
560. Do kids still do this stuff?
Copy !req
561. Even after what
happened to him?
Copy !req
562. Everyone's saying that
Billiam had a heart murmur.
Copy !req
563. Pretty much
everyone I know does it,
Copy !req
564. but it's not my thing.
Copy !req
565. It's not really
my thing, either,
Copy !req
566. but a buddy of mine
really wants it.
Copy !req
567. Who would he call
if he wanted it?
Copy !req
568. Well, you can tell your friend
Copy !req
569. that if he really wanted it,
Copy !req
570. it's not so hard to find.
Copy !req
571. When to take it. He
shouldn't have been taking it at all.
Copy !req
572. Drugs are bad.
Copy !req
573. But they can have their place in
the life of a professional actor.
Copy !req
574. Thank you.
Oh, you're welcome.
Copy !req
575. Notice the distinction.
I said "professional actor."
Copy !req
576. New person.
Mr. Texty Texty.
Copy !req
577. Since you have so
much to say to Molly,
Copy !req
578. let's see if you can
be Peter to our Wendy.
Copy !req
579. You look like you might have
a little Peter inside of you.
Copy !req
580. Uh, I can't. I'm fine just
being a tree or something.
Copy !req
581. Doug, you never won't know
Copy !req
582. what you can't achieve
before you don't achieve it.
Copy !req
583. My point is,
Copy !req
584. you have to. Everyone
auditions for Peter.
Copy !req
585. Yeah, sure.
Copy !req
586. My favorite molecule is water.
Copy !req
587. I'd marry it, unless
it was my daughter.
Copy !req
588. Its solid form
floats on its liquid form,
Copy !req
589. which makes it far
outside the norm.
Copy !req
590. It allowed life to
form on ancient Mars,
Copy !req
591. and we use it to wash our cars.
Copy !req
592. H2O.
Copy !req
593. H2O. H2O.
Copy !req
594. H2O It's okay.
Thank you.
Copy !req
595. Thank you, Zack.
Whoo! So good.
Copy !req
596. All right, anybody else for
Molecule Mondays? Anyone?
Copy !req
597. Okay.
Time for a pop Quiznos.
Copy !req
598. A What?
Copy !req
599. Oh, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
600. What is your name? Brad?
Copy !req
601. Brad. Yes, ma'am.
Wow. Look at you,
Copy !req
602. Brad. Big.
Copy !req
603. Uh...
Copy !req
604. What is a pop Quiznos?
Copy !req
605. It's a quiz, and the first
person who finishes
Copy !req
606. gets a $10 gift
certificate to Quiznos.
Copy !req
607. Today's quiz is on...
Copy !req
608. You look really old.
Copy !req
609. Were you held back
or something or...
Copy !req
610. No. You look super young.
Copy !req
611. Were you held forward?
Copy !req
612. I went to school
in France, so...
Copy !req
613. And they do, like, two extra
years of middle school there.
Copy !req
614. It's so lame.
Copy !req
615. French, the language of love.
Copy !req
616. That's cool, man.
It's nice to meet you also.
Copy !req
617. Hey.
Copy !req
618. Good luck.
Copy !req
619. Okay.
Copy !req
620. Um...
Copy !req
621. Maybe try one cooler.
Copy !req
622. And faster.
Copy !req
623. And louder.
And better.
Copy !req
624. And less insecure
and more just cool.
Copy !req
625. Okay, yeah,
those are great notes.
Copy !req
626. I'm going to run outside,
Copy !req
627. and I'm going to utilize those,
and I'm going to come back.
Copy !req
628. It's such bullshit.
Copy !req
629. Oh.
Copy !req
630. Wow. You're fast.
Copy !req
631. Not like that.
Just, let me check you out.
Copy !req
632. Let me check out your chest.
Copy !req
633. Check out your test...
Let me...
Copy !req
634. Let me grade your quiz.
Copy !req
635. Um, can I go take a dump?
Copy !req
636. Yeah, okay.
That's cool.
Copy !req
637. Oh. We have this
"hurry back" rule,
Copy !req
638. so if you're not
back in six minutes,
Copy !req
639. I have to send you
to the principal.
Copy !req
640. Rules are rules, so,
Copy !req
641. I guess this will
have to be a quickie.
Copy !req
642. Which way is yearbook?
I don't know.
Copy !req
643. Is it this way?
I don't know!
Copy !req
644. Yo.
Copy !req
645. Hey.
Copy !req
646. You guys, huh?
Copy !req
647. Um...
Copy !req
648. That was a total mix-up,
what happened earlier.
Copy !req
649. Yeah. He feels awful.
He feels...
Copy !req
650. Totally, very nervous.
Copy !req
651. You're the dealer?
Copy !req
652. You're the dealer guy?
Is that you?
Copy !req
653. Yep.
Copy !req
654. So do you make the stuff or...
Copy !req
655. Do I look like a fucking scientist?
No, I just sell it.
Copy !req
656. Yeah, he just sells it Come on.
Copy !req
657. Yeah, no, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
658. I meant I just...
How many you guys want?
Copy !req
659. 20 bucks a pop.
Copy !req
660. One each?
One pop each of drugs.
Copy !req
661. You guys aren't narcs, are you?
Copy !req
662. Whoa!
Copy !req
663. Dude, come on.
No! Maybe you're a narc.
Copy !req
664. You know who
calls people narcs?
Copy !req
665. Narcs, narc.
Copy !req
666. First of all, your argument kind
of just collapsed on itself,
Copy !req
667. because if you call us narcs,
Copy !req
668. if narcs call people narcs, and you
call us narcs, then that's kind of...
Copy !req
669. 'Cause you just said that.
They call people...
Copy !req
670. Look, I don't have
time for this shit.
Copy !req
671. You guys want to
do this or not?
Copy !req
672. Jesus.
Yes.
Copy !req
673. Yes, yes.
No problem.
Copy !req
674. All right, take it here
so I know you're cool.
Copy !req
675. I'm sorry. What?
Copy !req
676. We were going to take it home.
Copy !req
677. I gotta go back to class,
Copy !req
678. is the only thing.
Copy !req
679. I was thinking that I
was going to go home,
Copy !req
680. maybe turn down the lights,
Copy !req
681. getting snuggy,
get a little weird.
Copy !req
682. I was going to take it,
and then masturbate later.
Copy !req
683. Okay, I'm not asking.
Copy !req
684. Take it now or
get the fuck out.
Copy !req
685. I got to finish the girls'
volleyball page by lunch.
Copy !req
686. Yeah?
Copy !req
687. Yeah, no, it's all good.
Copy !req
688. I love doing drugs at school.
Copy !req
689. I'll just take
the drugs right here,
Copy !req
690. in our mouths.
Copy !req
691. There you go. That's it.
Copy !req
692. Mmm. Mmm.
Copy !req
693. What is that?
Barbecue? Cool Ranch?
Copy !req
694. Have fun.
Copy !req
695. You got to pull the trigger!
Okay.
Copy !req
696. You got to pull the trigger!
Copy !req
697. We got to throw up, man.
I can't.
Copy !req
698. We gotta throw up. That kid, Billiam, died.
We got to throw up.
Copy !req
699. Just think of something gross.
Think of something gross.
Copy !req
700. You fucking think of something.
Copy !req
701. Okay, all right, all right.
Copy !req
702. Your grandma's vagina,
Copy !req
703. and there's a dick
going into it.
Copy !req
704. What the fuck are you saying? I don't know!
I'm just trying!
Copy !req
705. I'm trying my best! I'm just trying!
Fuck! Come on, man!
Copy !req
706. Dude, let's just
finger each other's mouths.
Copy !req
707. No!
Yeah.
Copy !req
708. No, you're not
fingering my mouth.
Copy !req
709. Do you wanna die?
Do you wanna die?
Copy !req
710. Okay, fine!
Copy !req
711. Let's go. Come on. Come on!
Come on!
Copy !req
712. What are you doing? Are
you trying to find my G-spot?
Copy !req
713. Just stick it in! I don't know.
I've never done this before!
Copy !req
714. Just stick it in! Go!
Copy !req
715. Cut your fucking fingernails!
Copy !req
716. Oh, God!
Copy !req
717. Is it me?
Copy !req
718. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
719. I just can't sometimes.
Copy !req
720. Think we're going to be fine.
I don't feel anything.
Copy !req
721. Me, neither.
Copy !req
722. Hey! Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Copy !req
723. You got a pass for running
around the hallways
Copy !req
724. like a couple of
ding-a-lings?
Copy !req
725. Pass, in your hand.
Copy !req
726. Hello.
Copy !req
727. Oh, damn.
Copy !req
728. You guys are late.
Copy !req
729. Now I'm going to have to take
you to the principal's office.
Copy !req
730. No, no, no, man. Come on, please.
Sorry. Come on, please.
Copy !req
731. You have exceptional muscle
tone there, young man.
Copy !req
732. When'd you go through puberty?
Like, at seven or something?
Copy !req
733. You look like you're in your
mid-20s, for crying out loud.
Copy !req
734. McQuaid, huh?
Doug McQuaid.
Copy !req
735. I read your file.
Copy !req
736. You got a lot of something special
going on there, young man.
Copy !req
737. What the hell was that?
God damn it, son!
Copy !req
738. Don't ever raise your hand to
me like that again, all right?
Copy !req
739. I consider that a threat.
Copy !req
740. I was just
saying that I'm Doug.
Copy !req
741. I'm Doug McQuaid.
Copy !req
742. See, that's Brad.
Copy !req
743. That's Brad.
Copy !req
744. You're the new kid
who's All County in track?
Copy !req
745. Yes, I'm Doug McQuaid,
Copy !req
746. the track star, and this is
Brad, the science prodigy.
Copy !req
747. He's really fast.
Copy !req
748. Is this funny to you guys?
Copy !req
749. So you're Doug.
Copy !req
750. You're Doug. You're Doug.
Copy !req
751. Here's the deal.
Copy !req
752. My track team is full of
physically incapable rejects.
Copy !req
753. I mean, if I wasn't the coach,
I'd be laughing my ass off
Copy !req
754. at how spastic they are,
but I am the coach,
Copy !req
755. so I need you.
Copy !req
756. I need me some Doug McQuaid.
Copy !req
757. Understand?
Copy !req
758. I need you to run anchor on the
4 X 400 at today's track meet.
Copy !req
759. You do that,
and I'll sign this pass.
Copy !req
760. Don't blow on me, son.
Copy !req
761. I haven't trained.
Copy !req
762. Guys, don't make me take you
to the principal's office.
Copy !req
763. Do we have a deal?
Copy !req
764. Yes.
Copy !req
765. Nice.
Copy !req
766. I don't like that. Put your
tongue back in your mouth.
Copy !req
767. Put your tongue in
your mouth, and close it.
Copy !req
768. What are you doing?
Stop it.
Copy !req
769. Actually, that's not bad.
Copy !req
770. All right, here you go.
Copy !req
771. Are you guys on drugs?
Copy !req
772. Okay.
Copy !req
773. One particle of Unobtainium has
Copy !req
774. a nuclear reaction
with a flux capacitor.
Copy !req
775. Carry the two,
changing its atomic isotoner
Copy !req
776. into a radioactive spider.
Copy !req
777. Fuck you, science!
Copy !req
778. All right, all right, we're good.
Whoo!
Copy !req
779. We're good. We're good, man.
We're good.
Copy !req
780. We're good, baby.
Whoo!
Copy !req
781. Good work.
Hit that shit.
Copy !req
782. Christoph, did you feel that?
Copy !req
783. Who are you?
Copy !req
784. Welcome aboard, Peter.
Copy !req
785. Whoo! No, keep it going!
Copy !req
786. Keep it going.
That was so tight!
Copy !req
787. No, no, no, keep it going.
Keep it going.
Copy !req
788. All right, let's go, McQuaid!
Copy !req
789. All right! Yeah!
Copy !req
790. I like it!
I like the confidence, son!
Copy !req
791. I know y'all seen
this shit before.
Copy !req
792. I know you've seen
this shit before.
Copy !req
793. Huge lead! Huge lead!
We got this. All right.
Copy !req
794. You're looking amped!
Copy !req
795. Here we go.
Copy !req
796. Here we go!
Here we go!
Copy !req
797. Hey, pick it up!
Copy !req
798. Hey, no, McQuaid, pick it up.
What are you doing?
Copy !req
799. What are you doing?
Pick it...
Copy !req
800. What? McQuaid!
Copy !req
801. Don't throw the baton,
you jackass!
Copy !req
802. Come on!
Copy !req
803. McQuaid!
Copy !req
804. Run that way!
Copy !req
805. Spike that!
Fuck you, Miles Davis!
Copy !req
806. Let's go, God damn it!
Let's do this!
Copy !req
807. Let's go! Come on!
Copy !req
808. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
809. No, no.
Copy !req
810. No, stop.
Copy !req
811. Come here.
Come here.
Copy !req
812. Don't make a...
Copy !req
813. That is a baton penis.
Copy !req
814. Oh, speak of the devil!
Copy !req
815. Dude, that was awesome how you
sabotaged that track meet, man.
Copy !req
816. Organized sports are so fascist.
It makes me sick.
Copy !req
817. That's just what I do.
Copy !req
818. Okay. Shit, man. See
you around, all right?
Copy !req
819. I don't get this school.
Copy !req
820. That was awesome.
Copy !req
821. Okay, so we stayed up
all night making this.
Copy !req
822. It's awesome. You're
really going to like it.
Copy !req
823. All yarn work
was done by Jenko.
Copy !req
824. Okay, Captain, look, the
dealers are the popular kids,
Copy !req
825. but they're not normal popular.
Copy !req
826. They're these crunchy granola dudes
that have convinced everyone
Copy !req
827. that they're cool,
and they're not cool.
Copy !req
828. It's backwards and unnatural,
and it's got to be stopped.
Copy !req
829. Lead dealer, Eric Moison.
Alpha dog.
Copy !req
830. Sick chicks, killer steeze.
Copy !req
831. Did the AIDS run this year.
Copy !req
832. He's getting into Berkeley,
early admish,
Copy !req
833. and he totally gets me.
Copy !req
834. Who put this together?
Are you autistic?
Copy !req
835. It is artistic,
sir, because the thing is,
Copy !req
836. the yarn actually indicates...
Copy !req
837. We're compiling a list
Copy !req
838. of suspicious types at school.
The users are here.
Copy !req
839. This kid was actually talking
to a tree this morning.
Copy !req
840. Cut the bullshit!
Copy !req
841. I want to know
who's the supplier.
Copy !req
842. We don't know. That's why there's
a question mark on his face.
Copy !req
843. That's not the way his face looks.
That's just a question mark.
Copy !req
844. Infiltrate the dealers,
find the supplier.
Copy !req
845. Simple.
Copy !req
846. Sounds like you guys really
cracked the whole case.
Copy !req
847. Great job.
You guys are on fire.
Copy !req
848. So proud.
Copy !req
849. Like you could do any better?
Copy !req
850. We just brought down
a group of wannabe thugs
Copy !req
851. stripping down cars in the
Garfield High metal shop.
Copy !req
852. What?
Copy !req
853. Meanwhile, you two
were standing around
Copy !req
854. finger-popping
each other's assholes.
Copy !req
855. We're not finger-popping
each other's assholes.
Copy !req
856. What we're doing is
getting shit done.
Copy !req
857. Yeah, as a matter of fact,
Copy !req
858. I'm about to infiltrate
a super high-tech
Copy !req
859. drug manufacturing ring
in the chemistry classroom.
Copy !req
860. Password!
Open the door!
Copy !req
861. You have to say the password.
I'm sorry. What?
Copy !req
862. What are you...
Copy !req
863. Geez.
Copy !req
864. What are y'all doing?
How'd you get a key in here?
Copy !req
865. Ms. Griggs gave us one so we
could work, tutor, deal Bakugan.
Copy !req
866. Bakugan?
You dealing drugs?
Copy !req
867. Let me see. You dealing drugs?
No.
Copy !req
868. It's just a card game. It's,
like, a hybrid card game.
Copy !req
869. See? They open up.
Battle Brawlers.
Copy !req
870. You're not doing anything illegal?
No.
Copy !req
871. What are you doing in here?
Copy !req
872. I'm here to study.
Copy !req
873. Good. You could use it. You're
pretty far behind, so...
Copy !req
874. You're behind.
I'm ahead.
Copy !req
875. I know everything.
Really?
Copy !req
876. What's a covalent bond?
Copy !req
877. Fuck you, man. I don't
need to tell you.
Copy !req
878. I wasn't trying to be rude.
Sorry.
Copy !req
879. I just... I don't think
you know everything.
Copy !req
880. I know everything.
Copy !req
881. Okay.
Copy !req
882. What kind of
bullshit do they say
Copy !req
883. about a covalent bond
in this school?
Copy !req
884. They say it's when two atoms
share both their electrons.
Copy !req
885. It helps them to
stick together.
Copy !req
886. I could help you out if you
want, tutor you for the test.
Copy !req
887. What are you doing with
all those phones anyway?
Copy !req
888. I crack and jailbreak kids' phones
to try and save for college.
Copy !req
889. You know, I switch
their wireless carriers,
Copy !req
890. get them restricted apps.
Copy !req
891. Can you listen in on
phone calls and stuff?
Copy !req
892. No, no, I can't install a spyware
to remotely monitor calls
Copy !req
893. or anything that
the mic picks up.
Copy !req
894. I can't do that at all.
Copy !req
895. Wait, you can't do it?
Copy !req
896. No, I can't.
Copy !req
897. Is he being sarcastic?
I don't know.
Copy !req
898. So you can.
Copy !req
899. Liking comic books is popular.
Copy !req
900. Environmental awareness,
being tolerant.
Copy !req
901. If I was just
born 10 years later,
Copy !req
902. I would have been
the coolest person ever.
Copy !req
903. I know.
It's bullshit.
Copy !req
904. You know what?
Copy !req
905. I totally know the cause.
Copy !req
906. Glee. Fuck you, Glee.
Copy !req
907. Man, I got to say,
this is kind of awesome.
Copy !req
908. I might become popular. I might
get in with the popular kids.
Copy !req
909. We just have to do something wildly
irresponsible to earn their trust.
Copy !req
910. You saying we
should throw a party?
Copy !req
911. I'll invite Molly,
Copy !req
912. and then Molly will
invite Eric,
Copy !req
913. and that'll be the quickest way
for me to bro down with him.
Copy !req
914. Wouldn't it be better if we both
infiltrated the cool kids' group?
Copy !req
915. I think it would be
better if you get in
Copy !req
916. with the nerdy kids and see
what's going on over there.
Copy !req
917. That'd be the best
thing for the case.
Copy !req
918. Yeah. I mean,
I guess that makes sense.
Copy !req
919. Hello?
Hey. Is this Molly?
Copy !req
920. Speaking.
Copy !req
921. Hey. It's Schmidt.
Copy !req
922. It's Doug Schmug McQuaid.
Copy !req
923. Oh. Hey, man.
Copy !req
924. It's so weird that
you're calling me.
Copy !req
925. I pretty much text except for
when a random old relative calls.
Copy !req
926. Uh I was just calling 'cause we're
costarring in this play together,
Copy !req
927. - and...
- Hello?
Copy !req
928. Mom, get off the phone!
Copy !req
929. Oh. Sorry, Doug,
Copy !req
930. my teen son.
Mom!
Copy !req
931. I love you, honey, Dougie
Doug, Douglas McQuaid.
Copy !req
932. Mom, so serious right now!
Stop!
Copy !req
933. I'm sorry.
My mom's such a dick.
Copy !req
934. Ugh! She just, like,
smothers me with affection
Copy !req
935. and makes me feel
like I'm five years old.
Copy !req
936. Wow. You're a sharer.
I dig that.
Copy !req
937. Well, I'm 18 years old,
Copy !req
938. and my mom still packs
a lunch for me every day.
Copy !req
939. There was this one month where she
bought me 43 stuffed animals.
Copy !req
940. The doctor thought I was gonna
spontaneously grow a vagina.
Copy !req
941. I didn't, though,
just to be clear.
Copy !req
942. Yeah, because
you already had one.
Copy !req
943. Exactly.
I already had one.
Copy !req
944. And you don't need two vaginas.
You just don't.
Copy !req
945. Although you could
use one as a coin purse.
Copy !req
946. I never got any stuffed
animals growing up.
Copy !req
947. Oh, wait, actually, that's not true.
I did.
Copy !req
948. My dad gave me a stuffed puppy
the day he bailed on us.
Copy !req
949. I'm just fucking with you.
Copy !req
950. That is a weird joke.
Copy !req
951. I thought your dad
abandoned your family.
Copy !req
952. No, he did walk out on us, though.
Oh.
Copy !req
953. But he didn't even
leave me a stuffed puppy.
Copy !req
954. Just broken dreams.
Copy !req
955. Oh, man. Well, I guess,
to that, I would say,
Copy !req
956. well, uh,
Copy !req
957. that there are some
good guys out there,
Copy !req
958. and I wouldn't let,
you know, one experience
Copy !req
959. taint your memory.
Copy !req
960. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
961. Are you getting choked up?
I'm sorry if I made you upset.
Copy !req
962. No, it's just, you know, I don't
like when guys are mean to girls.
Copy !req
963. Yeah. Well, thanks.
Copy !req
964. Normal transition here.
Copy !req
965. Actually, I'm having a party next weekend.
You should come!
Copy !req
966. You and Eric and Juario,
whatever.
Copy !req
967. Do you mind if I just put,
like, a posting on Facebook?
Copy !req
968. Okay. Yeah, yeah!
Copy !req
969. I should call you back.
Copy !req
970. Well, all right, I'll see you at school.
You're a great person.
Copy !req
971. Bye-bye. Bye,
Bye.
Copy !req
972. What the fuck are you...
Copy !req
973. Are y'all throwing a party?
Copy !req
974. What?
Copy !req
975. There's rumors in
the Twittersphere.
Copy !req
976. And if any of my officers
Copy !req
977. are caught giving
alcohol to minors,
Copy !req
978. they'll find theyself in prison
Copy !req
979. with a snorkel
duct-taped to they mouth
Copy !req
980. and me shitting
down that snorkel.
Copy !req
981. That's extremely vivid.
Thank you.
Copy !req
982. You're the best.
You are the best.
Copy !req
983. Oh, my God.
We love you.
Copy !req
984. Enjoy the vineyard.
You boys be good, now.
Copy !req
985. Yeah, I can't believe
you guys did this for us.
Copy !req
986. Bye!
Copy !req
987. "We love you"?
What are you doing?
Copy !req
988. Why you saying "I
love you" to my mom?
Copy !req
989. I'm in character. Shut up.
It's weird.
Copy !req
990. Look, dude, it's kind
of like we're brothers.
Copy !req
991. Wait, how are we
going to buy alcohol?
Copy !req
992. Dude, I don't have a fake ID.
Copy !req
993. How are we going to
get drugs for the party?
Copy !req
994. Oh, no.
Copy !req
995. We got a pound of coke.
Copy !req
996. We're trying to show them a good
time, not ruin their fucking lives.
Copy !req
997. Pound of marijuana?
Copy !req
998. Best party ever.
Boo-yah!
Copy !req
999. To a brilliant idea
Copy !req
1000. from my brilliant brother
Copy !req
1001. that I love so very much.
Copy !req
1002. And this is going
to fucking rock.
Copy !req
1003. Cheers, man.
Cheers.
Copy !req
1004. Who invited you guys?
I did!
Copy !req
1005. The party's here!
Copy !req
1006. What's up, Zack?
Hey, buddy.
Copy !req
1007. What's up, Roman?
Copy !req
1008. This is crazy. This is, like, the
craziest thing I've ever been a part of.
Copy !req
1009. Where is Eric, man?
He said he'd be here.
Copy !req
1010. Do we have enough chips?
Copy !req
1011. Is this playlist
too dance-y?
Copy !req
1012. Feels too dance-y.
Too dance-y?
Copy !req
1013. What are you talking about?
Copy !req
1014. I don't know,
it just feels dance-y.
Copy !req
1015. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing?
Copy !req
1016. That's my mom's Kokopelli vase.
Copy !req
1017. I got it, I got it.
Copy !req
1018. Doug, Doug, hey!
Copy !req
1019. Hey, Paul Blart: Molly Cop.
Copy !req
1020. Such a bad joke.
Copy !req
1021. Terrible, terrible.
Copy !req
1022. You guys know each other, right?
Yeah.
Copy !req
1023. Get ready,
get ready, there's Eric.
Copy !req
1024. Wait for the signal.
Copy !req
1025. And then you come in here
looking like a rock-solid 10.
Copy !req
1026. What?
Copy !req
1027. What's up, man, how you doing?
Copy !req
1028. Eco Suave.
Copy !req
1029. Whoa.
Copy !req
1030. Wow, so I'm really
digging this decor.
Copy !req
1031. Very Native American.
Copy !req
1032. Yeah, our parents are actually
Copy !req
1033. really into Native American...
Let's rock and roll.
Copy !req
1034. - Sorry.
- What are y'all doing?
Copy !req
1035. Come on. Did you
guys even see Eric?
Copy !req
1036. Seriously,
did you not see Eric?
Copy !req
1037. No offense, man,
but your brother sucks.
Copy !req
1038. Yo, this is butt. There's,
like, no hot dudes here.
Copy !req
1039. Man, let's bounce.
We're out of here, man.
Copy !req
1040. No, no, no, come on, you guys
just got here, you just got here.
Copy !req
1041. Come on, let me at
least give you a tour.
Copy !req
1042. Okay, boys, come on, we did
it, we can do this, just go,
Copy !req
1043. just go as fast as
you possibly can.
Copy !req
1044. Taking out the SIM card.
Copy !req
1045. Taking out the SIM card.
Copy !req
1046. Come on, CSI
the shit out of this thing.
Copy !req
1047. Are you drunk?
No.
Copy !req
1048. Have you even
been drunk before?
Copy !req
1049. No, but" Give me this.
Copy !req
1050. What? Can we get some
bitches up in here?
Copy !req
1051. 'Cause it's just
boys right now.
Copy !req
1052. No, you can't get
any bitches up here.
Copy !req
1053. This is my parents' bedroom.
Copy !req
1054. What the fuck, bro? Some privacy!
Shit, shit, shit!
Copy !req
1055. And that is
a really gross three-way.
Copy !req
1056. But what was the girl
in the back doing?
Copy !req
1057. Warehouse rave in Ellsworth.
Copy !req
1058. Cool, yeah.
Copy !req
1059. Hey, man, thank you
for the hospitality,
Copy !req
1060. but we got to get going.
You know how it is, yeah?
Copy !req
1061. Dude, tell me about it.
Copy !req
1062. Is it ready? He's gonna
leave right now.
Copy !req
1063. It's extracting right now.
Copy !req
1064. Dude, it's now or never!
Is it ready or not?
Copy !req
1065. Read this. "Please wait.
Extracting data from SIM card."
Copy !req
1066. Shit! It's a bust.
Copy !req
1067. - Keep it casual.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1068. Go with the flow, dude.
Cool, man.
Copy !req
1069. I don't like to make plans or whatever.
You got it.
Copy !req
1070. Thank you again, though, man.
All right.
Copy !req
1071. Eric, Eric, Eric.
Hey, man, what's up?
Copy !req
1072. Hey, why you here, Scott?
Copy !req
1073. What, Kennedy High isn't
having any parties tonight?
Copy !req
1074. No, I heard you guys were
partying with some new stuff.
Copy !req
1075. Wanted to know your hookup so me
and my boys can get in on it.
Copy !req
1076. Got other commitments on
that front, so, you know...
Copy !req
1077. I wasn't asking.
Copy !req
1078. Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Copy !req
1079. Take five, take five, man,
let me get this. I got this.
Copy !req
1080. Yeah? You sure?
I got this one.
Copy !req
1081. Hey, big player,
I don't know who you are.
Copy !req
1082. Don't worry about who I am.
I'm worried about it.
Copy !req
1083. Why? 'Cause you're at my
party right now, dude.
Copy !req
1084. This is my temple, this is where
I come to find peace, dawg,
Copy !req
1085. and you're coming in here
Copy !req
1086. like an emotional bull
in a china shop,
Copy !req
1087. metaphorically knocking over
vases, messing with my crew,
Copy !req
1088. and I'm like,
Copy !req
1089. "What, Scott, what, Scott, what,
what, what, what, Scott?"
Copy !req
1090. It's that kind of party?
Yeah, dude.
Copy !req
1091. Matter of fact, it's
getting hot in here, huh?
Copy !req
1092. No, it's getting real.
It's getting very real.
Copy !req
1093. Yeah. It's like seven strangers
living in one house.
Copy !req
1094. True story.
Copy !req
1095. You want Real World?
Yeah, let's do it, man.
Copy !req
1096. Come on. What's your Real...
Here's Real World.
Copy !req
1097. What was that?
Did you hear that?
Copy !req
1098. Real enough for you?
Copy !req
1099. Schmidt. Doug.
Copy !req
1100. What do I do?
Hit him!
Copy !req
1101. Shit! That hurt worse
than when he hit me!
Copy !req
1102. Fight normal.
Copy !req
1103. Yo, I'm serious.
Copy !req
1104. Sorry.
Copy !req
1105. I'll fucking kill you!
Copy !req
1106. I'm sorry!
I'm very sorry!
Copy !req
1107. Seriously, use your words,
use your words!
Copy !req
1108. I kicked him in the nuts.
Copy !req
1109. Fight's over, dude!
Fight's over! Fight's over!
Copy !req
1110. No, watch my mom's shit, man!
Copy !req
1111. I'm gonna fucking kill you!
You'll knock over my mom's vase!
Copy !req
1112. Fuck your mom's vase!
Copy !req
1113. Fuck this!
Copy !req
1114. Oh, shit!
Copy !req
1115. Yeah!
Copy !req
1116. That's my brother!
Copy !req
1117. That was insane!
Copy !req
1118. You're so cool!
Copy !req
1119. Did you see that shit?
That was crazy.
Copy !req
1120. Oh, shit,
Copy !req
1121. when did I get stabbed?
Copy !req
1122. That's awesome.
Copy !req
1123. Yeah!
Copy !req
1124. Is that a cop?
Copy !req
1125. Where?
Copy !req
1126. No, it's not. Here.
Copy !req
1127. Oh, I'm so glad we're going
back to get my phone.
Copy !req
1128. I just hope we
don't wake up Schmidty.
Copy !req
1129. Oh, my God,
he's a policeman now.
Copy !req
1130. It's like we're
living with a narc.
Copy !req
1131. The boy is an angel.
Copy !req
1132. Pull it out!
Copy !req
1133. Pull it out! Pull it out!
Pull it out!
Copy !req
1134. Sorry!
Copy !req
1135. Aw...
Copy !req
1136. Okay, let's take some shots.
Copy !req
1137. Shots, shots!
Copy !req
1138. That's like us fucking Mother
Earth without a condom.
Copy !req
1139. What the fuck is going on?
Copy !req
1140. Annie, hang on.
Copy !req
1141. Are you fucking kidding me?
Copy !req
1142. Get out of my house. I said get out!
The party's over!
Copy !req
1143. I'm sorry, Mom, I'm sorry!
Copy !req
1144. The mom is coming!
Copy !req
1145. Listen to me!
Chill out! Chill out!
Copy !req
1146. Let go of me!
You're embarrassing me
Copy !req
1147. in front of my friends!
Get back here, you shit!
Copy !req
1148. Dude, that was so crazy, man.
Copy !req
1149. I swear, best party
I've been to in years.
Copy !req
1150. Dude, I'm doing
crazy stuff like that,
Copy !req
1151. like, all the time, man.
I bet you are.
Copy !req
1152. Dude, I'm so amped
right now, God!
Copy !req
1153. You, dude, I like you, man.
Copy !req
1154. How do you feel about making
a little extra money?
Copy !req
1155. Whatever it is, I'm in.
Copy !req
1156. All right, here's the deal.
Copy !req
1157. Okay, I can't sell
all this shit on my own,
Copy !req
1158. but I only bring
in people I like.
Copy !req
1159. Okay, you do good, maybe we bring
you in on what we're doing,
Copy !req
1160. I introduce you to my hookup.
How's that sound?
Copy !req
1161. Cool with me.
My man.
Copy !req
1162. That is my man...
Copy !req
1163. That was nuts.
I lost you guys.
Copy !req
1164. Um... Hey, thank you again
for the party, man.
Copy !req
1165. Yo, yo.
Copy !req
1166. Come on!
Copy !req
1167. I love dick"?
Copy !req
1168. You think that's funny?
Copy !req
1169. "Wonder Years douche"?
Copy !req
1170. What kind of
a sick animal draws
Copy !req
1171. an ejaculating penis
into an 8-year-old's mouth?
Copy !req
1172. It's arguably, like,
an airplane throwing up.
Copy !req
1173. You think I don't know
that's a dick and balls?
Copy !req
1174. I know all about
dick and balls!
Copy !req
1175. I partied with Robert Downey Jr.
before he got sober,
Copy !req
1176. when he was really fucked
up and a lot of fun!
Copy !req
1177. You know what? From now on,
you're gonna do some chores.
Copy !req
1178. You're gonna wash the laundry,
you're gonna fold it,
Copy !req
1179. you're gonna do the dishes, you're
gonna mow the lawn...
Copy !req
1180. Dude, I have
a surprise for you.
Copy !req
1181. Last night at the party,
I took Eric's phone
Copy !req
1182. and I had Zack put this
monitoring device in it,
Copy !req
1183. so we're gonna get to hear every single
thing that little prick is up to.
Copy !req
1184. Dude, I don't know if
that was a good idea.
Copy !req
1185. What?
Copy !req
1186. What if you had gotten found out?
But it worked.
Copy !req
1187. This is, like, the smartest
move I've ever pulled,
Copy !req
1188. so, I'm sorry, what are you
getting mad at me for?
Copy !req
1189. I'm not getting mad at you.
Copy !req
1190. I'm glad you have
something to do.
Copy !req
1191. Good.
Copy !req
1192. What's up?
Copy !req
1193. Great job, Schmidt.
Copy !req
1194. Password!
Copy !req
1195. Kneel before Zod!
Copy !req
1196. You may enter.
Copy !req
1197. Thank you, Zod.
Copy !req
1198. Let's tap that wire, huh?
Copy !req
1199. We were just about to go outside
with a bunch of chemicals.
Copy !req
1200. We were going to
test what blows up.
Copy !req
1201. There's no reason the wiretap
is super urgent, right?
Copy !req
1202. Not that I can think of
that would make sense.
Copy !req
1203. Go for it, go for it.
Copy !req
1204. Look out.
Go, go, go!
Copy !req
1205. Yes!
Copy !req
1206. Yes, that's what
I'm talking about!
Copy !req
1207. That's what I'm talking about!
Copy !req
1208. I love this science shit!
Copy !req
1209. This is what you guys do all day?
Let's do it again.
Copy !req
1210. Are you texting Molly?
Copy !req
1211. Uh, what?
Copy !req
1212. I don't...
Molly, uh...
Copy !req
1213. Maybe. Is that...
Copy !req
1214. Whoa, it's cool, man, come on.
Copy !req
1215. I'm not some, like, '50s
letterman who pins a girl.
Copy !req
1216. I mean, yeah, we blow each other
sometimes, but it's not a thing.
Copy !req
1217. I just, like...
Copy !req
1218. I don't know, I don't believe
in possessions, ja feel?
Copy !req
1219. Ja feel, ja definitely feel.
Copy !req
1220. Yeah.
Schmidty?
Copy !req
1221. Schmidty.
Copy !req
1222. Phyllis.
Copy !req
1223. I'll be right back, dude.
Okay.
Copy !req
1224. Hey. How are you?
Copy !req
1225. How is my
favorite police officer?
Copy !req
1226. Okay.
Copy !req
1227. Your mother told me
that you are undercover.
Copy !req
1228. Listen, now
is not a really good time.
Copy !req
1229. Are you undercover right now?
Copy !req
1230. Yes, it means I'm
undercover right now.
Copy !req
1231. Are those the bad
guys over there?
Copy !req
1232. Do they have guns?
Copy !req
1233. Oh, my God. Oh, God,
this is so exciting.
Copy !req
1234. I have got to call Annie. She
is gonna die.
Copy !req
1235. I heard that that Jenko
boy is your partner.
Copy !req
1236. Where is my phone?
Okay, okay.
Copy !req
1237. Shut your fucking mouth.
Copy !req
1238. Shut your fucking mouth,
you understand me? Shh...
Copy !req
1239. Let's go check this out.
Copy !req
1240. I will straight-up punch you in
the face if you do not shut up.
Copy !req
1241. There is no...
Copy !req
1242. A straight-up face punch.
Copy !req
1243. I swear to God,
you're gonna get me killed.
Copy !req
1244. Hey, yo.
That is...
Copy !req
1245. Shit! She just tried
to grab my dick, dude!
Copy !req
1246. What?
You tried to grab his...
Copy !req
1247. She tried to grab my junk.
Copy !req
1248. She was like, "Oh, my
God, I have arthritis,"
Copy !req
1249. "it hurts my hand, I need to
grab a handful of that dick."
Copy !req
1250. I was like,
"Get the fuck off me!"
Copy !req
1251. She said, "I need to grab
a handful of that dick"?
Copy !req
1252. And it felt good, but then
it felt weird for a second,
Copy !req
1253. so I pushed her.
We got to get out of here.
Copy !req
1254. All right,
cool, let's get the...
Copy !req
1255. Ah, so your
parents are just cool
Copy !req
1256. with having
people over whenever?
Copy !req
1257. Yeah, you know,
they're out most nights.
Copy !req
1258. Pretty laissez-faire
about the whole thing.
Copy !req
1259. You're so lucky your parents
don't give a shit about you.
Copy !req
1260. Right?
Copy !req
1261. This place is awesome.
Yeah.
Copy !req
1262. Hey.
Copy !req
1263. Hey, what's up?
Copy !req
1264. How's it going?
Copy !req
1265. Wow, that's a bigger hug
than I was expecting.
Copy !req
1266. Sorry. I'm happy to see you.
Copy !req
1267. Yeah. Yeah, me, too.
Copy !req
1268. Hey.
Oh, hey.
Copy !req
1269. Good?
Mmm-hmm.
Copy !req
1270. All right, come on.
Yeah, let's...
Copy !req
1271. I brought tacos,
so that's cool.
Copy !req
1272. Hey, boys, this eco-pussy
is going down today.
Copy !req
1273. It's really not a planet.
It's for sure a planet.
Copy !req
1274. Pluto is a planet.
Copy !req
1275. It's ready!
It used to be a planet.
Copy !req
1276. It's ready.
Not any more.
Copy !req
1277. I'm embarrassed.
Copy !req
1278. I always feel
exposed after playing.
Copy !req
1279. Do not feel exposed.
Copy !req
1280. I got to use the bathroom.
Copy !req
1281. Is it in there? Yeah,
yeah, right up there, dude.
Copy !req
1282. All right, all right, all right, all right.
God damn that.
Copy !req
1283. The mic is live and we can
hear how the other half lives.
Copy !req
1284. What are you doing?
Copy !req
1285. I heard something.
Copy !req
1286. Hey, can
I ask you something? Sit down.
Copy !req
1287. Okay.
Copy !req
1288. I just want to make sure that you
and Eric are going to be careful
Copy !req
1289. with whatever it is that
you're getting involved in.
Copy !req
1290. Yeah, I promise we will.
Copy !req
1291. It would just suck
if something bad happened,
Copy !req
1292. because you're a good guy.
Copy !req
1293. Yeah, no, I feel
the same way about you,
Copy !req
1294. except girl version.
Copy !req
1295. You're a girl.
Copy !req
1296. I am.
Yeah.
Copy !req
1297. That's why I put this dress on,
Copy !req
1298. to remind you.
Exactly.
Copy !req
1299. Are you excited about the play?
Copy !req
1300. Yes.
Copy !req
1301. Yeah, you were just
Copy !req
1302. right in there with excitement.
Yes.
Copy !req
1303. No hesitash.
I'm very excited.
Copy !req
1304. Yeah.
Copy !req
1305. Does that make me a super nerd?
Copy !req
1306. No, not at all.
Copy !req
1307. We get to act together.
Copy !req
1308. What a vagina. He has
no chance with her.
Copy !req
1309. So...
Copy !req
1310. Shit.
Sorry.
Copy !req
1311. You're on the prom committee.
Mmm-hmm.
Copy !req
1312. Do you think it's
going to be fun?
Copy !req
1313. Did she just bring
up prom on her own?
Copy !req
1314. She did, she just brought up prom.
What is she doing?
Copy !req
1315. I think it's
going to be awesome.
Copy !req
1316. Prom eats a dong.
Multiple dongs.
Copy !req
1317. All right, anyone who says
Copy !req
1318. they don't care about prom
actually secretly does.
Copy !req
1319. Who we gonna take to the prom?
Copy !req
1320. No one's going to prom with us.
Copy !req
1321. Come on, picture it.
Copy !req
1322. You pull up in a white
stallion of a limo.
Copy !req
1323. You got fine-ass
honeys with you.
Copy !req
1324. You're dressed to the nines
with your best buds.
Copy !req
1325. Doves fly out behind
you, slow motion.
Copy !req
1326. Doves. Why doves?
Copy !req
1327. 'Cause doves make you look
like a badass, that's why.
Copy !req
1328. I am pretty skeptical,
Copy !req
1329. but maybe,
if someone fun asked me,
Copy !req
1330. I would go.
Copy !req
1331. Aren't... Isn't...
Aren't you and Eric...
Copy !req
1332. Wouldn't you and Eric
go together?
Copy !req
1333. Not that I know of.
Copy !req
1334. Uh...
Copy !req
1335. Would you...
Copy !req
1336. He's going to choke.
Copy !req
1337. He always chokes. He's going
to choke, wait for it.
Copy !req
1338. So would...
Copy !req
1339. So would...
Copy !req
1340. Would you...
Copy !req
1341. Mayb...
Copy !req
1342. Oh, my God.
Are you okay?
Copy !req
1343. Yeah.
Copy !req
1344. That is the actual
sound of choking.
Copy !req
1345. I was wondering if you...
Copy !req
1346. Would you
Copy !req
1347. maybe want to go
Copy !req
1348. with me to prom?
Copy !req
1349. Would you want to go to me...
Copy !req
1350. Maybe with me to prom?
Copy !req
1351. Yes.
Copy !req
1352. I would love to go
to prom with you.
Copy !req
1353. What?
She just said yes!
Copy !req
1354. Whoa.
Wow.
Copy !req
1355. Good for you, Doug.
Copy !req
1356. Thank you for asking.
Copy !req
1357. Put her there, man.
Copy !req
1358. Just put...
Put it right there.
Copy !req
1359. I'm putting it right there.
Copy !req
1360. Yeah. There you guys are.
Copy !req
1361. What's up, my man?
Copy !req
1362. Hi.
How you doing?
Copy !req
1363. Whazzup?
Yeah.
Copy !req
1364. Doug...
Okay, settle an argument.
Copy !req
1365. You and your brother
aren't related, right?
Copy !req
1366. 'Cause you look
totally different.
Copy !req
1367. He's adopted.
Copy !req
1368. We all suspect from
a very lame family.
Copy !req
1369. Where is he tonight?
Copy !req
1370. Probably at home
with those lame tools
Copy !req
1371. he hangs outwith.
I don't know.
Copy !req
1372. You know how Tom Cruise is
always pissed off at Rain Man?
Copy !req
1373. That's like my life, except
Brad is really shitty at math.
Copy !req
1374. Your brother's kind of a dick.
Copy !req
1375. Well, yeah
Copy !req
1376. he kind of is, isn't he?
Copy !req
1377. Don't listen to that.
Copy !req
1378. I don't give a fuck.
Copy !req
1379. Dude, Eric is
the funniest IM-er.
Copy !req
1380. Oh, fuck.
Copy !req
1381. Oh, hey, guys. It's so
funny seeing you here.
Copy !req
1382. How are you?
Guess what, I don't care.
Copy !req
1383. We just closed our third
high school operation.
Copy !req
1384. And check what
we found at Kennedy.
Copy !req
1385. Looks like we're going to
have to do your job for you.
Copy !req
1386. Your drugs is spreading to
different schools now, sucker.
Copy !req
1387. You failed to stop the outbreak,
and you have no leads!
Copy !req
1388. We are running out of time!
Copy !req
1389. You either find the supplier,
Copy !req
1390. or I'm gonna jump your
asses off Jump Street!
Copy !req
1391. I totally understand where
you're coming from, sir,
Copy !req
1392. but, look, I heard Eric
talking on the phone yesterday
Copy !req
1393. with somebody that
sounded very suspect
Copy !req
1394. about meeting up
with a stuffed piñata.
Copy !req
1395. Is that a code for sex?
Copy !req
1396. Piñata? Really?
Yep.
Copy !req
1397. Remember that wiretap
I put on Eric's phone?
Copy !req
1398. While you were having the time of your
life last night, I was listening.
Copy !req
1399. I overheard a phone call between
Eric and some dude about a piñata.
Copy !req
1400. That's all you heard?
Copy !req
1401. Yep.
Copy !req
1402. I am so nervous.
Copy !req
1403. We are about to premiere
in front of the whole school.
Copy !req
1404. I apologize in advance
if I throw up on you onstage.
Copy !req
1405. Serious question, though.
Copy !req
1406. How do I look?
Copy !req
1407. Ravishing.
Copy !req
1408. Is it too sexy of an outfit?
Copy !req
1409. Bend the knee a little bit.
Copy !req
1410. Yep, it is.
Copy !req
1411. Oh, it's going to be so much
easier having you onstage with me.
Copy !req
1412. I am so happy that I met you.
Copy !req
1413. You're, like, the only guy
that I can really trust.
Copy !req
1414. Yep. That's me.
Copy !req
1415. Doug.
Copy !req
1416. Potassium nitrate.
Copy !req
1417. Don't hate.
It's great.
Copy !req
1418. It can act as an oxidizer.
Copy !req
1419. I didn't know that,
but now I'm wiser.
Copy !req
1420. It has a crystalline structure.
Copy !req
1421. If you can't respect that,
you're a butt muncher.
Copy !req
1422. It's a key ingredient
in gunpowder.
Copy !req
1423. K-NO-three,
don't give no grief.
Copy !req
1424. It can be used to
make corned beef.
Copy !req
1425. It's also known as saltpeter.
Copy !req
1426. Brad?
Shit.
Copy !req
1427. Where are you going?
Copy !req
1428. I don't want to look like
it's like I'm wearing makeup.
Copy !req
1429. Right.
Doug! HL
Copy !req
1430. Brad!
Copy !req
1431. Whoa. What are you wearing?
Copy !req
1432. Potassium nitrate.
Thanks for noticing.
Copy !req
1433. I need to borrow you.
Copy !req
1434. Now's not a good time, Brad.
Copy !req
1435. Mmm-hmm.
It's a really good time.
Copy !req
1436. 'Cause my piñata is killing me.
Copy !req
1437. Is that code for a sex thing?
Copy !req
1438. It's leaving the parking lot.
Copy !req
1439. Piñata?
Mmm-hmm.
Copy !req
1440. Molly, uh,
Copy !req
1441. I will be right back. I need to
help Brad with something, okay?
Copy !req
1442. I just need to help Brad
with something real quick.
Copy !req
1443. What? No. What?
I promise you...
Copy !req
1444. Do you understand how soon
the show is starting?
Copy !req
1445. I swear to you I will be
back in time for curtain.
Copy !req
1446. I swear. I swear to you. Tell
me you understand how soon...
Copy !req
1447. What? Are you kidding me?
Copy !req
1448. What did I say?
What did I say?
Copy !req
1449. See? Whose wiretap is
working for him now, huh?
Copy !req
1450. Shit.
Copy !req
1451. Fuck!
Copy !req
1452. You told me not to
worry about the tickets!
Copy !req
1453. I thought they
made us look cool.
Copy !req
1454. Cones, cones...
Copy !req
1455. Driver's ed car.
Copy !req
1456. I'm driving.
No, you're not.
Copy !req
1457. I never get to drive.
I'm driving this time.
Copy !req
1458. Fine! Drive!
Copy !req
1459. Hey, guys. Just borrowing
this for one sec.
Copy !req
1460. Sure.
Copy !req
1461. Go. Go, go, go, go.
Copy !req
1462. Guys, hey, wait. Guys,
you're not on the list.
Copy !req
1463. Hey, guys, wait!
Ah, who cares?
Copy !req
1464. Holy fucking shit.
No fucking way.
Copy !req
1465. Those are the guys
from the park.
Copy !req
1466. That's just too crazy.
Copy !req
1467. What do you think's
in that thing?
Copy !req
1468. I don't know, money, drugs.
Copy !req
1469. They could be a new buyer,
or they could be the supplier.
Copy !req
1470. If it's good,
you'll hear from me.
Copy !req
1471. If it's not good,
you'll hear from me
Copy !req
1472. about telling you
how it's not good.
Copy !req
1473. Makes sense.
Copy !req
1474. Get the fuck out of here.
Copy !req
1475. Yeah, no worries, man.
Copy !req
1476. I'll see you guys.
Copy !req
1477. We definitely got to follow
them and find out, though.
Copy !req
1478. Get down! Get down!
Get down! Get down!
Copy !req
1479. What are you doing?
If they see us,
Copy !req
1480. just pretend like
you're sucking my dick.
Copy !req
1481. What? No!
Yes. Stop.
Copy !req
1482. You pretend like
you're sucking my dick.
Copy !req
1483. No, just pretend like
you're sucking my dick.
Copy !req
1484. Why am I automatically
blowing you?
Copy !req
1485. 'Cause you're in
a fucking Peter Pan costume!
Copy !req
1486. Okay.
Copy !req
1487. Okay, let's go.
Let's go, let's go.
Copy !req
1488. Go, go, go. Okay, fine,
we'll follow them.
Copy !req
1489. But we need to be back in
30 minutes for curtain.
Copy !req
1490. Dude, did you just
hit the teacher brake?
Copy !req
1491. Yeah, you're
following too close, dude.
Copy !req
1492. They're going to make us.
Well, if I go too far back,
Copy !req
1493. it's going to look even more
suspicious, so just stop.
Copy !req
1494. God, just let me do my thing.
Copy !req
1495. I know what I'm doing.
Copy !req
1496. Seriously,
if you do that again,
Copy !req
1497. I'm going to Whac-A-Mole
you in the balls.
Copy !req
1498. Just stay back.
Copy !req
1499. I could not be more serious.
Copy !req
1500. Take your foot off the brake.
Copy !req
1501. No. I'm not... No.
Take your foot off the brake!
Copy !req
1502. Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
Copy !req
1503. Look what you did!
Look what you did!
Copy !req
1504. What the fuck? You
non-driving motherfuckers!
Copy !req
1505. Get the fuck out of the car!
Copy !req
1506. Oh, fuck.
Copy !req
1507. Lock the door!
Lock the door!
Copy !req
1508. What do I do?
Go away!
Copy !req
1509. What are you,
a fucking Keebler Elf?
Copy !req
1510. Get him out of that car!
Copy !req
1511. No, no!
It's fucking ZZ Top!
Copy !req
1512. No, no! No, no, no!
It's fucking ZZ Top!
Copy !req
1513. Like an angry walrus!
Copy !req
1514. I stomp the car now!
Copy !req
1515. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1516. Stomp! Stomp!
Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1517. Okay. Okay.
Oh, my God! Stop, dude! Go!
Copy !req
1518. Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1519. Just let me drive!
Copy !req
1520. Stop hitting me!
Copy !req
1521. Dude, watch out!
Copy !req
1522. Will you stop
front-seat driving?
Copy !req
1523. Get your hands off the wheel!
Copy !req
1524. Man, you just hit
two people back there!
Copy !req
1525. You stop. I'm not... Take
your hands off. Shit!
Copy !req
1526. We're stuck in traffic!
Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1527. Shit, they're coming!
They're coming! What?
Copy !req
1528. Oh, my God, dude.
Copy !req
1529. What do we do?
Copy !req
1530. What the...
What the...
Copy !req
1531. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1532. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1533. Oh, shit. What's wrong with you?
Run!
Copy !req
1534. I can't!
I'm wearing tights!
Copy !req
1535. I got skinny jeans on!
It's the same fucking thing!
Copy !req
1536. They're going to
make us, or kill us.
Copy !req
1537. Porsche! Porsche! Police!
Get out of the car, douche!
Copy !req
1538. I'm on a call here, jackass.
Copy !req
1539. That's right.
Go to sleep, bitch.
Copy !req
1540. You just got head-butted,
motherfucker!
Copy !req
1541. Go, go, go, go, go, go! Shit.
Copy !req
1542. Check around for a gun
or something, all right?
Copy !req
1543. Where? Where? There's
no glove compartment
Copy !req
1544. in this shitty-ass car!
There's golf balls and this.
Copy !req
1545. What am I supposed to do with this?
I don't know, man!
Copy !req
1546. I've never been in
a freeway chase before!
Copy !req
1547. Watch out! It's going to explode!
It's going to go!
Copy !req
1548. What happened?
I don't know.
Copy !req
1549. It just didn't explode.
That's weird.
Copy !req
1550. Can anybody
tell me where my Peter is?
Copy !req
1551. French!
You're not my first choice,
Copy !req
1552. but I need you
to go on as Peter.
Copy !req
1553. Oh, gosh. And I've been in
character for months now.
Copy !req
1554. Great. Nobody cares.
Copy !req
1555. Come on!
Another traffic jam?
Copy !req
1556. I'm sorry I didn't
check the traffic report
Copy !req
1557. before we got in a car chase!
Let's go! Come on!
Copy !req
1558. Come on. Let's go, let's go, let's go!
Copy !req
1559. Shit!
Copy !req
1560. Are you texting?
Copy !req
1561. No, I'm not texting!
Copy !req
1562. Yes, you are!
You're texting!
Copy !req
1563. No, I'm not!
Copy !req
1564. Okay, almost done.
Copy !req
1565. "LOL."
Copy !req
1566. I'm driving!
Copy !req
1567. Why do you always jump
over the car like that?
Copy !req
1568. Hi. Hi. How are you?
Copy !req
1569. Hi.
God damn, you are beautiful.
Copy !req
1570. Oh. Hi.
You are fine as shit.
Copy !req
1571. Don't worry.
Someone will pick you up.
Copy !req
1572. Wow.
Hurry. Just drive.
Copy !req
1573. Wait. Pick me up?
Copy !req
1574. They're coming! They're coming!
I got an idea.
Copy !req
1575. Why don't you text them
Copy !req
1576. and ask them to
stop chasing us?
Copy !req
1577. Oh, shit!
Copy !req
1578. He's got a gun!
Copy !req
1579. I'm going to throw
this thing at him!
Copy !req
1580. Okay, you don't have
to narrate everything!
Copy !req
1581. Just throw it!
Okay! Okay, okay!
Copy !req
1582. It's going to explode! Oh, my God!
Roll up the windows!
Copy !req
1583. What the fuck is that going to do?
Roll it up!
Copy !req
1584. I don't fucking care! Just do it!
Oh, God!
Copy !req
1585. Huh?
Copy !req
1586. I really thought that one
was going to explode.
Copy !req
1587. Oh, shit!
Copy !req
1588. Look in the glove
compartment for a gun.
Copy !req
1589. What are you talking about?
We're in a pink Bug!
Copy !req
1590. I don't care. Look in the
goddamn glove compartment!
Copy !req
1591. What the hell?
Copy !req
1592. Shoot
Oh, my God. Okay! Okay!
Copy !req
1593. Shoot the gun!
Shoot the gun!
Copy !req
1594. Can't get a good shot, man!
I can't get a good shot!
Copy !req
1595. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Take the shot!
Copy !req
1596. Take the shot! Just shoot him!
Let's go!
Copy !req
1597. Shit, shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit.
Copy !req
1598. Shoot! Shoot!
Shit, shit...
Copy !req
1599. That's what exploded?
Holy shit. That was crazy.
Copy !req
1600. Why did you shoot for me?
Copy !req
1601. You weren't shooting,
you were choking,
Copy !req
1602. so I had to save us.
I was going to shoot.
Copy !req
1603. You always do this,
every single time.
Copy !req
1604. What?
Copy !req
1605. Seriously, just take
me back to school, man.
Copy !req
1606. If I miss this play,
Molly's going to freak out
Copy !req
1607. and she's not going
to go to prom with me.
Copy !req
1608. Are you fucking serious right now?
Fuck, yes, I'm serious!
Copy !req
1609. Can't believe you made me late.
You're so selfish.
Copy !req
1610. I'm selfish?
Yes, you're selfish!
Copy !req
1611. Are you fucking kidding me?
Copy !req
1612. Look at yourself!
Copy !req
1613. You're in too deep, man.
Copy !req
1614. Yesterday, I found a college
application on your desk!
Copy !req
1615. I don't know how long this
case is going to last.
Copy !req
1616. And Eric's going to
get into Berkeley,
Copy !req
1617. and, honestly,
I can get in, too.
Copy !req
1618. Who knows? I could
ride this thing out.
Copy !req
1619. I could be
a doctor or something.
Copy !req
1620. Have you lost
your fucking mind?
Copy !req
1621. You screwed this
investigation all up.
Copy !req
1622. At least I know my Miranda
rights, you idiot.
Copy !req
1623. You are a very
silly man indeed.
Copy !req
1624. Boys, squaws, come quickly.
Copy !req
1625. Hey! Sorry!
It's okay. I'm here.
Copy !req
1626. I know I missed
the first few scenes.
Copy !req
1627. I want to thank... Give
it up to French Samuels
Copy !req
1628. for ably backing me up.
Copy !req
1629. Fuck you, Doug!
What?
Copy !req
1630. I say we just roll
right into this thing, huh?
Copy !req
1631. This is my twin.
We're together in...
Copy !req
1632. Get the fuck out of here.
Copy !req
1633. What are you doing? Have you
completely lost your mind?
Copy !req
1634. What is this?
Copy !req
1635. I don't know, but it's
already more exciting.
Copy !req
1636. You're embarrassing me.
Copy !req
1637. It's okay.
I'll make it up to you.
Copy !req
1638. And... Let's fly!
Copy !req
1639. - Such bullshit!
- Get off of me!
Copy !req
1640. I'm not dumb!
I'm smart!
Copy !req
1641. You think I'm stupid?
You're stupid!
Copy !req
1642. Go, Doug!
Copy !req
1643. I guess I should do something.
Copy !req
1644. I should probably not
just stand here watching.
Copy !req
1645. I should take action.
Copy !req
1646. Worst best friend ever!
Copy !req
1647. Molly, I'm sorry!
Copy !req
1648. I don't want to
talk to you ever again.
Copy !req
1649. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1650. You stupid idiot!
Copy !req
1651. Come here!
Come on!
Copy !req
1652. Make fun of me behind my back
and everybody laughs at me?
Copy !req
1653. I was a loser for four years! You
couldn't handle it for five minutes!
Copy !req
1654. Have some fairy dust,
motherfucker!
Copy !req
1655. Hey, guys, no!
Copy !req
1656. I heard you call me
Rain Man, you asshole!
Copy !req
1657. Principal Dadier sucks dick!
Copy !req
1658. You're supposed
to be my friend!
Copy !req
1659. Stop! Stop it. You're expelled.
Both of you are expelled.
Copy !req
1660. And that's the end of Act Two.
Copy !req
1661. Is that it? You're not
going to scream at us?
Copy !req
1662. Nope.
Copy !req
1663. I'm gonna just fire you.
Copy !req
1664. Moving out?
Copy !req
1665. Yep.
Copy !req
1666. You know what's crazy to me
Copy !req
1667. is that I think that I actually
thought that we were brothers.
Copy !req
1668. I would've tooken
a bullet for you.
Copy !req
1669. Get in now.
Both of you.
Copy !req
1670. Why should I?
Copy !req
1671. Just get in the car, man.
Copy !req
1672. Get in the fucking car.
Copy !req
1673. Nope, not until you ask nicely.
Copy !req
1674. Please get in the car.
Copy !req
1675. Come on, you guys.
Come on. Please. Jesus.
Copy !req
1676. Some messed up shit
went down yesterday.
Copy !req
1677. Yeah, after we made
the exchange,
Copy !req
1678. our potential business partners
Copy !req
1679. got followed by
some fucking cops.
Copy !req
1680. That's insane, man.
Copy !req
1681. Are you serious?
Copy !req
1682. Okay, it's just I
don't want to go to jail!
Copy !req
1683. You know what happens to a
handsome guy like me in jail?
Copy !req
1684. It rhymes with "grape"!
Copy !req
1685. It rhymes with "grape."
Copy !req
1686. I can't let that happen.
Copy !req
1687. So I got these from
my dad's gun cabinet.
Copy !req
1688. Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric.
Whoa. Come on. Whoa.
Copy !req
1689. Springfield.45s, police issue.
Very powerful guns.
Copy !req
1690. You ever use one?
Copy !req
1691. We're not really gun people, man.
No. No?
Copy !req
1692. A lot of things have made
me wonder about you.
Copy !req
1693. Come on.
Copy !req
1694. Your taste in music.
Copy !req
1695. The fact that you look like
a fucking 40-year-old man.
Copy !req
1696. Then after that shit
at the play, I realized
Copy !req
1697. there's no way you
guys could be cops.
Copy !req
1698. Oh.
Copy !req
1699. Yeah, I got this
deal going down.
Copy !req
1700. The supplier's
going to be there.
Copy !req
1701. I need people I can trust.
Copy !req
1702. All right.
All right, come on.
Copy !req
1703. Okay, right over here, we're
going to shoot these bottles.
Copy !req
1704. We're going to practice, okay?
Okay.
Copy !req
1705. That was... That was actually
really fuckin' awesome.
Copy !req
1706. Beginner's luck.
Copy !req
1707. All right.
Copy !req
1708. The supplier wants the deal
to go down at prom.
Copy !req
1709. All right, there's going to be
all these heavies there,
Copy !req
1710. but as long as you
guys have my back...
Copy !req
1711. Yeah? Yeah? Shit.
Copy !req
1712. I always got your back.
Copy !req
1713. Time to get our jobs back.
Copy !req
1714. Let's get ready for prom.
Copy !req
1715. Schmidty! Chore time!
Copy !req
1716. Mom, we don't have time
for chores right now!
Copy !req
1717. If you stay in this house,
you have time for chores!
Copy !req
1718. Mom! Ugh!
Copy !req
1719. Fuck this thing.
Copy !req
1720. Here.
Huh?
Copy !req
1721. It'll be quicker if I help.
Copy !req
1722. There you go.
Copy !req
1723. Thanks.
Copy !req
1724. Your shotgun's hanging too low.
Copy !req
1725. They're gonna see it.
Copy !req
1726. Thanks.
Copy !req
1727. Jenko, uh...
Copy !req
1728. Will you go to prom with me?
Copy !req
1729. I guess.
Copy !req
1730. Are we really
going to take down
Copy !req
1731. a whole drug operation
by ourselves?
Copy !req
1732. I got some contacts
that'll help us.
Copy !req
1733. Brad, what are you doing here?
You can't be here.
Copy !req
1734. What if the principal sees you?
Copy !req
1735. This is wrong, yet so right.
Copy !req
1736. What?
Copy !req
1737. I am so happy you're willing
to get in trouble for me.
Copy !req
1738. You have to go. Please,
don't leave me ever.
Copy !req
1739. Ms. Griggs, stop. Stop.
Copy !req
1740. Stay! Stay.
Stop.
Copy !req
1741. What?
Stay.
Copy !req
1742. Go!
Okay.
Copy !req
1743. Stay.
Stop. Stop.
Copy !req
1744. I'm lost without you.
What?
Copy !req
1745. Get out of me.
I'm going to throw up.
Copy !req
1746. You are so hot!
Copy !req
1747. All right.
Copy !req
1748. Hey, pumpkin head.
Copy !req
1749. I'm very mad at you.
Dance with me.
Copy !req
1750. Are you on that shit?
So what if I am?
Copy !req
1751. Look, Molly, some serious
stuff is about to go down,
Copy !req
1752. and I don't want
you to get hurt.
Copy !req
1753. I've already been hurt, Doug.
I don't care.
Copy !req
1754. You need to leave.
You need to leave.
Copy !req
1755. You need to get out
of here right now.
Copy !req
1756. Making a lot of hand gestures!
Copy !req
1757. Okay, my name's not Doug.
Copy !req
1758. It's Schmidt.
What?
Copy !req
1759. And I'm a cop.
What?
Copy !req
1760. Okay, and I care about you,
Copy !req
1761. and I don't want you
to get busted,
Copy !req
1762. so you have to leave right now.
Copy !req
1763. Leave the prom
right now, Molly.
Copy !req
1764. I'm serious.
Hey. Hey.
Copy !req
1765. Penthouse now.
Supplier's waiting.
Copy !req
1766. What are you?
Come on. Hey, come on.
Copy !req
1767. Supplier's waiting.
Is that Eric?
Copy !req
1768. Molly, leave right now.
What are you...
Copy !req
1769. Just leave right now!
Copy !req
1770. What is this?
Copy !req
1771. Mr. Walters?
Copy !req
1772. Hey!
Copy !req
1773. Beautiful Brad,
and his brother.
Copy !req
1774. Wow. You look great.
Copy !req
1775. You're the supplier?
You're a teacher.
Copy !req
1776. And I was stuck on
a teacher's salary, bro.
Copy !req
1777. Could barely pay my alimony.
Copy !req
1778. What are you gonna do? Ha!
Copy !req
1779. Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
1780. You boys are so good at this.
Copy !req
1781. Oh, yeah, Cinnamon!
Copy !req
1782. Oh, my God, we're getting
such good evidence.
Copy !req
1783. I stole some of
that Bunsen burner crap
Copy !req
1784. from the chem lab, threw
in some of my Cool Deets,
Copy !req
1785. and it was muy delicioso!
Copy !req
1786. Then one day I catch
Eco Butt-munch over here
Copy !req
1787. smoking a J.J.
behind the field house,
Copy !req
1788. and I'm like, "Hey, you
want to make some coin?"
Copy !req
1789. What a green penis
that guy is, huh?
Copy !req
1790. There's my quesadilla.
Copy !req
1791. I hurt my hands!
Copy !req
1792. Bitch.
Copy !req
1793. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1794. You guys look crazy scary.
Copy !req
1795. How many of you are there?
Copy !req
1796. A lot.
Copy !req
1797. Karl.
Copy !req
1798. Patch looks pimp, man.
Copy !req
1799. Thank you.
Copy !req
1800. He's gonna recognize us, man.
Copy !req
1801. I'm freaking out.
Copy !req
1802. This is Walters,
he made the stuff.
Copy !req
1803. Real pleasure to meet you.
Copy !req
1804. Fuck what his name is.
Copy !req
1805. Your shit's good.
Copy !req
1806. Thank you.
Copy !req
1807. That means a lot
coming from you.
Copy !req
1808. What, you having a party now?
Copy !req
1809. Who are these
two motherfuckers?
Copy !req
1810. Fuck!
Copy !req
1811. Hey.
Hey. How's it going?
Copy !req
1812. Nah, nah, it's cool,
man, they're my boys, so...
Copy !req
1813. Are they?
Yeah.
Copy !req
1814. I don't like strangers.
Copy !req
1815. How do you ever expect
Copy !req
1816. to make any new friends
with that attitude?
Copy !req
1817. It's, like,
everyone's a stranger
Copy !req
1818. till you give
them a chance, man.
Copy !req
1819. What the fuck are
you talking about?
Copy !req
1820. I don't even...
Copy !req
1821. Just fuckin' around.
Copy !req
1822. Do your thing, man. Proceed.
Copy !req
1823. Hey, kid, come here.
Copy !req
1824. You, you look familiar.
Copy !req
1825. Me?
Yeah.
Copy !req
1826. I was in a French fry
commercial when I was a kid,
Copy !req
1827. so people are like, you know, often
say, "Oh, I think I know you,"
Copy !req
1828. but I don't think
we've ever met before.
Copy !req
1829. Do I look like I
eat French fries?
Copy !req
1830. I don't know, you look like
you're in great shape,
Copy !req
1831. but maybe you have,
like, one cheat day,
Copy !req
1832. like a carb blowout, you know?
I don't know.
Copy !req
1833. Nah.
Copy !req
1834. Yeah, the theme song
was, like...
Copy !req
1835. That's my quesadilla!
Copy !req
1836. Who wants a piece? Huh?
Copy !req
1837. I know you're in there,
Doug, or whatever your name is!
Copy !req
1838. You lied to me!
Copy !req
1839. I'm gonna kill you,
you stupid fucking cop!
Copy !req
1840. Hey, you guys,
she just called me
Copy !req
1841. a stupid fucking cock.
That's rude.
Copy !req
1842. Dickhead narc motherfucker!
Copy !req
1843. Did she just say "nickhead
dark motherfucker"?
Copy !req
1844. That's just racist.
Copy !req
1845. I know these two.
Copy !req
1846. Your boys are cops!
They're cops!
Copy !req
1847. Police! Get on the ground!
Copy !req
1848. You get on the fuckin' ground!
Copy !req
1849. We asked you first!
I don't give a damn!
Copy !req
1850. You're fucking cops?
Copy !req
1851. But we partied together, man.
Copy !req
1852. You bought us Taco Bell.
Copy !req
1853. Eric, honestly,
that was a sincere gesture.
Copy !req
1854. You made me this
friendship bracelet.
Copy !req
1855. Well, he's not
really your friend.
Copy !req
1856. He was pretending
the whole time.
Copy !req
1857. I'm gonna cut this the
fuck off later, all right?
Copy !req
1858. What the fuck is going on?
Copy !req
1859. Shut this kid up!
Copy !req
1860. Him, too.
No, no! Hey, wait!
Copy !req
1861. No, no, no.
Listen, I'm with you guys!
Copy !req
1862. I didn't know
these guys were cops!
Copy !req
1863. I'm getting out of here.
Copy !req
1864. I fucking hate you!
Copy !req
1865. Get that out of my face!
Copy !req
1866. Molly!
Oh, there you are!
Copy !req
1867. What the fuck!
Copy !req
1868. Drop your guns, or I'll spray
her brains all over the room!
Copy !req
1869. Trying to take a hostage,
some goddamn TV show shit?
Copy !req
1870. I don't know! I'm
trying to help, all right?
Copy !req
1871. I've never done
this shit before.
Copy !req
1872. Well, you're fucking up.
Copy !req
1873. Drop the guns or she's dead!
Copy !req
1874. She looks dead already.
Copy !req
1875. What? No.
Copy !req
1876. Oh, Jesus.
Copy !req
1877. Yeah, I can hear her breathing.
Copy !req
1878. She just passed out from the drugs.
We're good.
Copy !req
1879. Drop the guns or...
Copy !req
1880. All right, all right,
just chill out.
Copy !req
1881. We're gonna drop our guns.
Copy !req
1882. You got to let the kids go,
and no one's gonna die, okay?
Copy !req
1883. Just drop the guns,
and kick them over here.
Copy !req
1884. D.B., shoot these
motherfuckers.
Copy !req
1885. Oh, come on, that's unfair! We
put our guns down in good faith.
Copy !req
1886. You're a liar, and you're mean!
Copy !req
1887. That's unfair.
We're all friends here.
Copy !req
1888. Let's just relax, and we
can all leave here as friends.
Copy !req
1889. Yeah, let's do that.
Copy !req
1890. Y'all boys are stupid.
Copy !req
1891. Oh, my God, we're gonna die.
We're gonna die.
Copy !req
1892. God damn it!
Copy !req
1893. Tom Hanson, DEA!
On your knees!
Copy !req
1894. What the fuck?
Copy !req
1895. Now!
Fuck!
Copy !req
1896. Doug Penhall, DEA!
You're under arrest!
Copy !req
1897. Guns down, all of you!
Domingo, tell them!
Copy !req
1898. Put them down.
Copy !req
1899. Nice! Yes!
Copy !req
1900. Shut the fuck up!
Copy !req
1901. You little dweebs just ruined
a five-year investigation.
Copy !req
1902. We had no idea.
Copy !req
1903. You're, like,
an amazing actor, man.
Copy !req
1904. You played saxophone
at my sister's wedding, man!
Copy !req
1905. Tough titty.
I fucked her, too.
Copy !req
1906. What?
Copy !req
1907. You little turds.
Copy !req
1908. Do you have any idea
how difficult it is
Copy !req
1909. to infiltrate a gang like this?
Copy !req
1910. Do you see this nose?
Copy !req
1911. That is a fake nose.
Copy !req
1912. Do you want to wear a fake
nose on your fuckin' head
Copy !req
1913. for, like, months on end?
Glue and shit?
Copy !req
1914. Worse things in the world.
Copy !req
1915. We had to get fuckin' tattoos
on our dicks, man.
Copy !req
1916. Hey, actually, I just said that
Copy !req
1917. to mess with you.
What?
Copy !req
1918. Looks tough.
Copy !req
1919. Look, we know what
it's like being undercover.
Copy !req
1920. Metro Police,
Jump Street Division.
Copy !req
1921. Come on,
you guys are Jump Street?
Copy !req
1922. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Copy !req
1923. That's funny, because
we were actually Jump Street.
Copy !req
1924. What?
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
1925. Oh, shit!
Copy !req
1926. Oh, my God!
Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1927. Oh, my God, dude!
Copy !req
1928. Get them!
Copy !req
1929. Motherfucker!
Copy !req
1930. Shoot them!
Copy !req
1931. Fuck that.
Copy !req
1932. That was a gun.
Copy !req
1933. Somebody definitely got shot.
Copy !req
1934. All right.
Copy !req
1935. Here, take the money, all right?
We're getting out of here.
Copy !req
1936. Did I hit anything?
Copy !req
1937. You were shooting at
the fuckin' ceiling.
Copy !req
1938. Doug.
Copy !req
1939. I know sometimes I
was a jerk to you
Copy !req
1940. when we were undercover.
Copy !req
1941. It's just... I didn't
feel good about myself.
Copy !req
1942. All that stuff I wore, like the
bracelets, the rings, the tight pants,
Copy !req
1943. was just so
Copy !req
1944. that people
would think I'm cool.
Copy !req
1945. The only approval
Copy !req
1946. that I ever needed
Copy !req
1947. was my best friend.
Copy !req
1948. Thanks, man.
Copy !req
1949. The money's gone!
Copy !req
1950. Come on, let's roll.
Copy !req
1951. We gotta get out of here, man.
Copy !req
1952. Are you telling me it's on?
Copy !req
1953. Let's do this.
Let's make a baby.
Copy !req
1954. What? What are you talking about?
I don't know.
Copy !req
1955. I was trying to sound cool.
Sorry.
Copy !req
1956. That was crazy!
You killed a guy!
Copy !req
1957. Oh, fuckin' shit!
Copy !req
1958. Hey, hey, we'll lose
them in the prom! Go!
Copy !req
1959. Go, go, go, go!
Copy !req
1960. Where'd they go?
Copy !req
1961. Molly!
Copy !req
1962. Shit!
Copy !req
1963. You want to drive?
Yeah, I do, actually.
Copy !req
1964. Okay, cool.
Copy !req
1965. Nice!
Copy !req
1966. Did it look cool when I did it?
Copy !req
1967. That's what I'm talking about!
Yeah!
Copy !req
1968. How you guys
doing back there, huh?
Copy !req
1969. God, I love high school!
Copy !req
1970. Best prom night ever!
Copy !req
1971. Shoot them!
Stay on them!
Copy !req
1972. I'm on them!
I'm on them!
Copy !req
1973. Oh, good, you guys, come
hang out with me back here.
Copy !req
1974. Oh, fuck, dude. Lisa, what are you doing?
Did she pass out back there?
Copy !req
1975. Whoo!
Copy !req
1976. Hey, you got a gun. Why
don't you shoot back there?
Copy !req
1977. Shoot that gun, shoot that gun!
Copy !req
1978. All right, one second!
Copy !req
1979. Just shoot someone, you bitch!
Copy !req
1980. Peek-a-boo!
Copy !req
1981. Give me my money!
Copy !req
1982. Fuck that! Fuck that! No! No!
Copy !req
1983. I can't do this! I'm
supposed to go to Berkeley!
Copy !req
1984. I'm gonna get
the party started!
Copy !req
1985. I'm gonna get the party started!
No! No! Lisa, no!
Copy !req
1986. Hey, I'm living my dream
of standing in a limo!
Copy !req
1987. What?
Copy !req
1988. You're killing my dream!
Come in.
Copy !req
1989. What? I'm trying to party.
Down!
Copy !req
1990. Bitch!
Copy !req
1991. What? Fuck!
Copy !req
1992. I'll kill you!
Copy !req
1993. Kill you!
Copy !req
1994. No! No!
Stay where you are.
Copy !req
1995. Go! Go, go!
Copy !req
1996. No! Stop!
Copy !req
1997. I'm not fucking kidding! Look,
I'm trying to shoot people!
Copy !req
1998. Will you stop!
Just for two seconds!
Copy !req
1999. You're really hot and you're
really slutty and it's awesome,
Copy !req
2000. but I got to shoot
people right now!
Copy !req
2001. You think I'm hot?
Copy !req
2002. I wanna...
Oh, my God!
Copy !req
2003. Wait, guys! Call me!
Copy !req
2004. Let me know where
you're ending up later.
Copy !req
2005. I'm almost out of ammo.
Copy !req
2006. We're fucked.
Copy !req
2007. Give me my money!
Copy !req
2008. I got an idea.
Copy !req
2009. You still got those shotgun shells?
Yeah.
Copy !req
2010. Pop Quiznos.
Copy !req
2011. What do you get when lithium batteries
react to potassium nitrate?
Copy !req
2012. That would be
a covalent bond, brother.
Copy !req
2013. That's when two atoms,
they share electrons.
Copy !req
2014. You see, they both need
what the other one has.
Copy !req
2015. That makes them stick together.
Copy !req
2016. Are you saying
we're covalent bonds?
Copy !req
2017. What? No.
Copy !req
2018. We're not atoms, dude.
Copy !req
2019. What's this?
Tequila?
Copy !req
2020. I don't know,
it was supposed to explode.
Copy !req
2021. Oh, shit!
Copy !req
2022. Where'd you learn
how to do that, man?
Copy !req
2023. App chemistry, bitch.
Copy !req
2024. Come on, blondie.
Copy !req
2025. Molly!
Copy !req
2026. Drop your weapon!
Copy !req
2027. Don't you fuckin'
pull that arm up.
Copy !req
2028. Don't.
Copy !req
2029. Oh-ho! Looks like you're
out of ammo, asshole!
Copy !req
2030. Come on!
Get out here!
Copy !req
2031. What? What's going on?
All right.
Copy !req
2032. All right, here's the deal. Nobody
moves, or she's gonna get hurt.
Copy !req
2033. Do you understand?
Nobody move!
Copy !req
2034. All right.
Eric, help me.
Copy !req
2035. Don't you have a gun?
Copy !req
2036. All right, don't move!
Copy !req
2037. Come on, let's go.
Let's go.
Copy !req
2038. No!
Copy !req
2039. Hey! Hey, hey!
Copy !req
2040. Hey, no, no, I said don't move!
Copy !req
2041. Oh, fuck, you shot him!
Copy !req
2042. Oh, God!
Copy !req
2043. Are you okay?
Copy !req
2044. You shot my partner,
you motherfucker!
Copy !req
2045. I didn't mean to shoot you!
I meant to shoot him!
Copy !req
2046. Are you alive, buddy? You okay?
You took a bullet for me, man.
Copy !req
2047. Yeah, I'm feeling a little
ambivalent about that right now.
Copy !req
2048. Didn't you hear me?
I said don't move!
Copy !req
2049. I said that!
You heard, right?
Copy !req
2050. Eric, you heard me!
Copy !req
2051. - I said don't move!
- Eric, help me!
Copy !req
2052. - You got this.
- Hey, hold still.
Copy !req
2053. Freeze!
Copy !req
2054. Shoot!
Copy !req
2055. Come on.
Copy !req
2056. You peaked in high school,
motherfucker.
Copy !req
2057. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
2058. I shot him in the dick.
Copy !req
2059. You shot me in the dick!
Copy !req
2060. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
2061. Yes!
Copy !req
2062. Yes! Yes!
Copy !req
2063. Yes!
Copy !req
2064. You are under arrest!
Copy !req
2065. It definitely came
out my asshole!
Copy !req
2066. You have the right
to remain silent!
Copy !req
2067. Anything you say can
and will be used against you
Copy !req
2068. in a court of law!
Copy !req
2069. You have
the right to an attorney!
Copy !req
2070. If you cannot afford an attorney,
one will be appointed for you!
Copy !req
2071. Do you understand these rights
as they have been read to you?
Copy !req
2072. Fuck you! Bitch!
Copy !req
2073. Yes! Yes!
Copy !req
2074. We did it, man!
Copy !req
2075. We did it.
Copy !req
2076. God, I feel so good.
Copy !req
2077. We did it, man!
Copy !req
2078. You're a goddamn rock star.
Copy !req
2079. Do you feel that?
Copy !req
2080. God damn, you're so cool.
Copy !req
2081. You just shot him in the dick.
Copy !req
2082. I've never seen that.
Who does that?
Copy !req
2083. Look, I'm sorry I
called you Rain Man.
Copy !req
2084. I know I didn't say you
were, but you're smart.
Copy !req
2085. You're a smart guy,
and you're thoughtful,
Copy !req
2086. and you're sincere and you're
sweet and you're loyal...
Copy !req
2087. And I fuckin' cherish you.
Copy !req
2088. Should we high-five?
Copy !req
2089. Ow! My hand!
Copy !req
2090. Are you all right? Should we
get you to the hospital, man?
Copy !req
2091. Yeah, I think we need to call somebody.
Hey, call somebody!
Copy !req
2092. I got to get my
dick sewn back on.
Copy !req
2093. You shut the fuck up.
Hey, you shut up.
Copy !req
2094. That's not funny.
Is that it?
Copy !req
2095. What?
Copy !req
2096. That's my dick!
Copy !req
2097. Pick up my dick! Please!
Copy !req
2098. No, we're not
picking up your dick.
Copy !req
2099. Fuckin' pick my dick up!
Copy !req
2100. Oh, fuck!
Copy !req
2101. He's my friend.
Copy !req
2102. They don't serve
vegan in jail, bitch.
Copy !req
2103. Hey.
Copy !req
2104. Molly...
Copy !req
2105. I'm really sorry.
Copy !req
2106. I know you
wanted a guy to trust,
Copy !req
2107. and I wanted to be
that person so badly.
Copy !req
2108. And I let you down
in a lot of ways.
Copy !req
2109. And...
Copy !req
2110. It's good that
you're mad at me.
Copy !req
2111. I think it's good. I think you
should be mad at more guys,
Copy !req
2112. because you deserve a guy who's
good and who doesn't lie to you.
Copy !req
2113. And you should never settle
for less than that.
Copy !req
2114. There are good guys out there
Copy !req
2115. who aren't assholes like me.
Copy !req
2116. Thanks for saving my life,
Copy !req
2117. asshole.
Copy !req
2118. Put her there, partner.
Copy !req
2119. I'll come back later.
Copy !req
2120. We're, like, in the end of Die Hard
right now, but it's our actual life.
Copy !req
2121. It's crazy.
Copy !req
2122. Number one or two?
Copy !req
2123. Three.
Copy !req
2124. Sam Jackson one. Yeah!
Sam Jackson style.
Copy !req
2125. Boom, motherfuckers!
What's going on? Come on!
Copy !req
2126. Where is he?
There's my guy!
Copy !req
2127. There he is! That's him.
That's him.
Copy !req
2128. Enough.
Too long on the hug.
Copy !req
2129. Congratulations, you crazy,
sick, vigilante motherfuckers.
Copy !req
2130. You got your first arrest, huh?
Copy !req
2131. - Look. Got something made for you.
- You didn't!
Copy !req
2132. Come on. All right, all right.
Enough. Enough.
Copy !req
2133. New assignment.
Copy !req
2134. Since you two cowboys
love to drink booze,
Copy !req
2135. smoke weed with kids, and fuck
anything with a big ass in jeans
Copy !req
2136. with low self-esteem,
Copy !req
2137. I'm gonna send you to a place
where all that shit is allowed.
Copy !req
2138. Oh, I love Disneyland!
Copy !req
2139. You two sons of bitches
are going to college!
Copy !req
2140. No! Yes!
Copy !req
2141. Boo-yah!
Copy !req
2142. Whoo!
Copy !req
2143. Oh, my God! You're like
two Hardy Boys in one!
Copy !req
2144. Oh, fuck!
Copy !req
2145. Hey, why are you here, Scott?
Copy !req
2146. What, Kennedy High isn't
having any parties tonight?
Copy !req