1. Hey, Melodie.
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2. - Hey.
- Look, I know
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3. we've known each other
for a really long time.
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4. And we live across the street
from each other and stuff.
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5. And...
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6. I know, like, in four days,
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7. I'm sure, if...
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8. - You know, prom's, like, in four days...
- Oh, my God.
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9. You're not asking me to prom, are you?
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10. Fuck, no.
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11. No, I... No, I just...
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12. - You're probably going with someone.
- I'm sorry.
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13. I don't know how to put this nicely.
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14. There's not a nice way to put it.
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15. You're a fucking nerd.
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16. And, you know... I don't know. She's hot.
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17. Look at her. Look at her.
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18. - Look at her. Look at her. Look at her.
- I'll see you later.
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19. - Bye.
- All right, buddy, good talk.
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20. Dude, classic.
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21. Greg Jenko to the principal's office.
Greg Jenko to the principal's office.
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22. - Shit.
- Good luck, bro.
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23. I said loud and clear,
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24. if you didn't get your grades up,
you weren't going to the prom.
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25. You, my friend, are about to pay the piper.
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26. I should pay who?
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27. You're not going to the prom.
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28. Boy, you lucky you even graduating.
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29. But I'm going to be prom king.
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30. I'm glad you had a great time in school.
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31. 'Cause you ain't learned nothing.
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32. Fuck! Fuck!
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33. Welcome to the Police Academy.
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34. Make sure your form is completely filled out,
then move along.
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35. Not-so-slim Shady, what's up? Holy shit!
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36. Jenko, Schmidt, you're up.
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37. Oh, fuck!
Copy !req
38. - You're good at this, huh?
- Yeah, lam.
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39. Thank you.
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40. Such bullshit.
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41. You're really good at this.
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42. Yeah, I am.
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43. Hey, you want to be friends?
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44. Come on. Come on, let's go.
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45. Come on, pick your knees up.
Pick your knees up.
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46. I'm telling you right now, it's not a felony.
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47. Chill, all right?
Look, if it has intent, it's a felony.
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48. What did I tell you?
Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go!
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49. Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.
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50. Faster. Let's go.
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51. Clear!
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52. Clear!
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53. Come on, come on, come on! Stop.
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54. Yes! Yes!
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55. Let me see. Let me see.
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56. Nice.
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57. Ten-hut! Ladies and gentlemen,
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58. I present to you the graduates of Class 137.
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59. Get ready for a lifetime
of being badass motherfuckers.
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60. I am.
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61. I really thought this job would have
more car chases and explosions,
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62. and less homeless people
doo-dooing everywhere.
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63. Do you guys really think
this is a police matter?
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64. To get your Frisbee back?
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65. Get your own fucking Frisbee.
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66. Shit.
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67. Shit! Shit!
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68. Yours isn't loaded, right?
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69. We're supposed to unload them first, right?
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70. What, you... No.
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71. That's no fun. Come on.
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72. Sign says, "Do not feed the ducks."
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73. It's right there.
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74. - Don't you... Don't...
- Don't. Stop it.
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75. Don't. You did it. You fed the ducks.
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76. You feel like a big shot?
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77. No fucking way.
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78. One Percenters?
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79. These guys are, like, big-time drug dealers.
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80. If we could take them down as our first bust,
we'd be off park duty for sure.
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81. You see what I see?
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82. Cannabis sativa.
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83. Chaka Khan.
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84. Chaka Khan?
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85. Gentlemen. We having a little party?
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86. Have we forgotten
that the use of marijuana is illegal?
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87. I have glaucoma.
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88. I get nervous in crowds.
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89. Herpes.
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90. Then you won't mind
if I search your bike, now, would you?
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91. Go ahead. You won't find shit.
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92. - Get up.
- Célmate, gringo.
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93. Man, you guys even real cops?
You look like the kids on Halloween.
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94. If those boys is cops, I'm DEA.
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95. I know, right? I know.
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96. It's hilarious.
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97. So why don't you show us a little respect?
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98. - Fuck you, pig-
- Hey.
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99. You want me to beat your dick off?
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100. You want to beat my dick off?
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101. I'll beat your dick off with both hands.
What's up'? Let's go.
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102. - That's weird, man.
- I think what he was trying to say was,
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103. he's going to punch you so many times
around the genital area
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104. that your dick's just going to fall off.
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105. Why do you have salt in your...
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106. - That's actual drugs.
- Oh, my God.
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107. Get on the ground! Hey!
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108. - Come here now!
- What do I do?
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109. - Chase someone!
- Chase someone?
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110. Are you leaving your bike here?
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111. Okay. All right.
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112. Don't run from me!
You're making it worse for yourself!
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113. No! Get out of the way!
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114. Stop!
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115. I'm going to shoot you
if you don't slow down, man! Come on!
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116. Hey! Come here!
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117. I'm not playing any more! I'm so not kidding!
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118. I got him. I got him.
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119. Freeze! Freeze!
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120. Hands up or I shoot you! Freeze!
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121. That's it! Come here!
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122. Freeze! Stop it!
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123. You're a pussy!
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124. You got the right to... Give me that!
You got the right to...
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125. to suck my dick, motherfucker!
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126. My elbow.
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127. - You got nothing.
- How's my dick feel in your ass, huh?
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128. - Hey! Hey!
- How's it feel? How's it feel now?
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129. That's right. Schmidt! Schmidt, we got one!
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130. We got one! I got him!
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131. Yes! Yes!
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132. - Yeah!
- We got an arrest!
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133. - Yeah! We got him!
- Yes!
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134. - Yeah! Fuck you! Yeah!
- Fuck you! Yeah!
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135. What's up?
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136. Drop my nuts
on your motherfucking forehead!
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137. - That's right.
- Fuck you, park!
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138. - We arrest people now!
- What up, park?
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139. - What's up? What's up'?
- What up, park? Who wants one?
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140. Congratulations on the bust, boys.
It sounds great.
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141. - Thank you, Cinnamon.
- Are those new?
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142. The department was forced
to drop the charges
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143. because you forgot to read him
his Miranda rights.
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144. What possible reason is there
for not doing the only thing
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145. you have to do when arresting someone?
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146. I did read him his right...
I did a version of that.
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147. - Do you even know the Miranda rights?
- Yes.
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148. Let's hear them, then.
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149. You got a lot of stuff to do.
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150. No, go ahead.
You going anywhere, Schmidt?
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151. We got time.
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152. I had a thing, but I can probably push it back.
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153. Go ahead. It's four declamatory sentences,
followed by a question,
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154. for a total of 57 words.
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155. Okay. Look, it obviously starts with,
"You have the right to remain silent."
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156. I know you've heard this before. And then,
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157. I think it sounds something like...
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158. - "You have the right to an attorney."
- Well, the thing... Yeah, right.
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159. "You have the right to remain an attorney."
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160. Did you say
that you have the right to be an attorney?
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161. You do have the right to be an attorney,
if you want to.
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162. Where were you?
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163. I was chasing my perp, sir.
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164. And how did that go for you?
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165. Honestly, he did get away,
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166. and he threw me down pretty hard.
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167. Actually fucked up my elbow pretty bad.
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168. Can I see that?
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169. Yeah, actually, it hurts
'cause the dirt gets mushed into it.
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170. Wow.
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171. Fortunately for you two,
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172. we're reviving a canceled
undercover police program from the '80s
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173. and revamping it for modern times.
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174. You see, the guys in charge of this stuff
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175. lack creativity
and are completely out of ideas,
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176. so all they do now
is recycle shit from the past
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177. and expect us all not to notice.
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178. One of these programs
involves the use of young,
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179. immature-seeming officers.
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180. Sir, are you saying
that you're going to send us into, like,
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181. a child sex slavery ring or something?
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182. Sir, if I have to suck somebody's dick, I will.
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183. It's just... I'd prefer not to.
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184. I think you idiots are perfect.
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185. You're officially transferred.
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186. - All right. Yeah.
- That's great.
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187. Where should we report to?
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188. Down on Jump Street.
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189. 37 Jump Street.
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190. No, that doesn't sound right.
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191. Is it...
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192. This has got to be a joke.
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193. This is it.
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194. Aroma of Christ Church?
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195. How's it going?
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196. This place is weird.
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197. Everybody comfortable?
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198. Yeah.
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199. Get your motherfucking ass up
when I'm talking!
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200. You will be going undercover
as high school students.
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201. You are here simply because you look young.
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202. You some Justin Beaver,
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203. Miley Cyrus-looking motherfuckers.
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204. Captain Sassy.
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205. I know what you're thinking,
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206. "Angry Black Captain."
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207. It ain't nothing but a stupid stereotype.
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208. Well, guess what, motherfuckers.
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209. I'm black.
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210. And I worked my ass off to be the captain!
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211. And sometimes I get angry.
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212. So suck a dick!
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213. What I'm trying to show you is,
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214. embrace your stereotypes.
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215. Like this guy right here. Handsome.
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216. And he's probably a dummy.
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217. And then this guy.
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218. He's short and insecure.
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219. And he's probably good with money.
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220. - You are good with money.
- What the fuck?
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221. Didn't somebody tell you guys
this was an undercover unit?
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222. I don't... I actually didn't...
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223. I didn't get a letter or anything.
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224. - Yeah, like, a start time...
- With a dress code or anything like that.
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225. Teenage the fuck up!
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226. Rule number one at Jump Street. Fugazy.
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227. Do not get expelled.
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228. Nobody in the system knows you're here.
All right? Nobody.
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229. You get kicked out of school,
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230. your monkey ass is getting kicked out
of Jump Street.
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231. Rule number two. Burns.
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232. Do not have sexual relations
with students or teachers, sir.
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233. You hear that? That's you.
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234. - Don't do it, man.
- Why...
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235. - Keep that dirty dick in your pants.
- Dirty?
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236. Don't fuck no students.
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237. Don't fuck no teachers.
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238. Sir, I know we come off
as a couple of lady-killers,
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239. but I promise you
we will be super professional on the job.
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240. Clearly, I wasn't talking to you, Big Titties.
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241. You cherub-looking motherfucker.
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242. I was talking to your partner over here.
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243. Fake-ass Handsome McGee.
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244. When I'm talking to him, I'm talking to him.
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245. When I say, "Shut the fuck up,"
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246. - I'm talking to you.
- Cool.
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247. Now, you two sons of bitches,
in my office now.
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248. Right now!
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249. Hi. I am Billiam Willingham.
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250. So I bought these,
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251. which is all anybody seems
to be talking about right now.
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252. Cheers.
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253. It's a new synthetic drug.
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254. Goes by the street name H.F.S.
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255. Holy fucking shit.
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256. Holy...
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257. They put this on the Internet
for everybody to see?
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258. They're teenagers, man.
They're really stupid.
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259. So you should blend right in.
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260. Jessica, will you go to prom with me?
But I already know the answer. It's yes.
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261. I could watch this kid all day.
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262. Man, this kid rules.
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263. Ruled.
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264. His parents found him OD'd
in his room a few days ago.
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265. He's dead.
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266. Whatever he took,
the lab has never seen it before.
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267. And as you can see, this kid is white.
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268. That means people actually give a shit.
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269. Sir, I just want to throw out to you
that I would give a shit if he was black.
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270. Right now, H.F.S.
Is contained right there at Sagan High.
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271. Now, once this drug breaks containment,
it goes viral in a few days.
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272. Jenko, I looked at your old transcript.
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273. I enrolled you in a bunch of bullshit courses
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274. like photography and drama.
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275. Get in with the burnouts and the cool kids.
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276. Find out who's slinging this shit.
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277. Schmidt, says you were a virgin
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278. - through high school.
- It says that?
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279. No. I just assumed it,
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280. due to your many years on the honor roll
and your membership to the juggling squad.
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281. It's the Juggling Society,
but it's fine. It's fine.
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282. They're stealing equipment
from the chemistry lab.
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283. That's what we think
they're cooking the dope with.
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284. I enrolled you into honors chemistry.
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285. Here's your new identities, all right?
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286. Brad and Doug McQuaid.
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287. The mission is this.
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288. Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.
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289. We get to be brothers?
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290. Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.
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291. But if we find the supplier first,
we don't have to worry about the dealers.
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292. God damn.
Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.
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293. Hey, Korean Jesus.
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294. I don't know if you only cater
to Korean Christians
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295. or if you even exist. No offense.
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296. I just...
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297. I'm really freaked out
about going back to high school.
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298. It was just so fucking hard the first time.
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299. I know we haven't made our first arrest,
or maybe I'm not the best cop.
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300. Korean Jesus,
I just really don't want to fuck this up.
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301. I'm sorry for swearing so much.
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302. The end?
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303. I don't really know how to end a prayer.
The end?
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304. Yeah.
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305. Hey! Hey!
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306. Stop fucking with Korean Jesus!
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307. He ain't got time for your problems. He busy!
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308. With Korean shit.
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309. - You two get to your mama house ASAP.
- What?
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310. You're teenagers now, all right?
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311. You two are staying
at Schmidt's parents' house
Copy !req
312. for the duration of this assignment.
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313. Fuck me.
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314. This house is adorable.
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315. My baby's home! Come here.
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316. You will always be
my infant angel baby child.
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317. There's my QW-
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318. It's great to see you guys.
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319. - Hey.
- Schmidt family! Up top, Papa Schmidt.
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320. Oh, my God.
Mama Schmidt, did you do all this yourself?
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321. - This is unbelievable.
- Well, yeah.
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322. - I guess I did.
- It's gorgeous!
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323. So are you.
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324. Honey, listen, I want to tell you,
we did blow up the air mattress in your room
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325. 'cause we're kind of using that
as a workout area,
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326. so I hope you don't mind the elliptical.
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327. No, no! Jenko, Jenko, oh, my God, please.
No, no.
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328. Don't touch that.
We just brought it back from Sedona.
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329. Guys, can we get rid of this stuff?
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330. I mean, it looks like I died in a car crash
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331. - and you guys haven't moved on.
- Rid of it?
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332. If we take it down,
we have to stop bragging about you.
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333. I look like Fred Savage
from The Wonder Years,
Copy !req
334. but completely naked,
wearing Indian friendship bracelets.
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335. That is a great picture, Morton.
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336. You look like a young Jay Leno.
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337. Am I even wearing underwear in this picture?
Copy !req
338. No.
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339. I remember. You know why?
Copy !req
340. Because I've told it to a therapist
about 8,000 times.
Copy !req
341. I mean, this is a fourth grade
participation medal for soccer.
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342. It's literally a medal for sucking.
Copy !req
343. - No, that is a medal for trying.
- Yes.
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344. Let me tell you something.
This guy was always a great tryer.
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345. That must be Phyllis.
She is just dying to see you.
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346. What? Mom, you told Phyllis I was here?
She's going to tell the whole neighborhood.
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347. I told you, it's an undercover assignment.
It's super secretive.
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348. "Undercover." That's so cute.
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349. - I'm going upstairs.
- Okay, honey. I want you to know
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350. - we are so glad you're here.
- Okay.
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351. That's great. Thank you.
Copy !req
352. - All right. Where is he?
- He's upstairs.
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353. He just needs to take a little rest,
and then he's dying to see you, too.
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354. - Bye-bye.
- I baked muffins!
Copy !req
355. If you don't know your identity,
we're screwed tomorrow.
Copy !req
356. You got to study this stuff.
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357. Forget those identities. They're bullshit.
They said I was held back a year.
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358. You were. You were held back two years.
Copy !req
359. Just 'cause it's a fake backstory
doesn't mean it doesn't hurt my feelings.
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360. Fuck! Socks don't match.
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361. I got to start all over.
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362. It's the first day of school, dude.
I got to look awesome.
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363. You know, back in the day,
you were super popular,
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364. and I wasn't as much.
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365. We didn't really get along in high school.
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366. You don't think that's going to happen again,
do you'?
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367. No. Come on, man. We're adults now.
We're best buds.
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368. It's definitely not going to happen again.
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369. - We're good.
- Cool.
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370. Beautiful day out there, boys.
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371. Just shut up.
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372. "Anything you say can and will be used
against you in a court of law.
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373. "You have the right to an attorney.
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374. "If you cannot afford an attorney,
one will be appointed..."
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375. Dude, do you still not know
the Miranda rights? You're a cop.
Copy !req
376. Come on, man. They always cut away on TV
before they finish them.
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377. All right, let's do it.
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378. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What?
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379. What are you doing?
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380. - What? What are you talking about?
- Are you two-strapping?
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381. - My backpack? Yeah.
- Yeah, I got to be seen with you.
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382. You got to one-strap it.
Copy !req
383. Seriously, I would no-strap it
if that would even be possible.
Copy !req
384. Okay, what makes you the expert?
Copy !req
385. I was cool in high school, and you weren't.
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386. Okay, that makes sense. Continue.
Copy !req
387. The Three Keys of Coolness in High School,
by Jenko.
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388. One, don't try hard at anything.
Copy !req
389. Okay? Two, make fun of people who do try.
Copy !req
390. Three, be handsome.
Copy !req
391. Four, if anyone steps to you
on the first day of school,
Copy !req
392. you punch them directly in the face.
Copy !req
393. Five, drive a kick-ass car.
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394. Shit.
Copy !req
395. All right, but just don't be driving it
like teenagers,
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396. revving up the engine and shit, okay?
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397. We would never.
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398. Come on, Hoffs. Give us a little credit.
Copy !req
399. - Hey' You ready?
- Go! '
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400. That was awesome! That was amazing.
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401. - Was I flying'?
- That was amazing.
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402. All right, do mine, do mine.
Copy !req
403. - Okay, ready? Here I go.
- Yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
404. You okay?
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405. I think I shit my pants.
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406. Hey, park in that handicapped spot.
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407. - It'll make us look cool.
- That's awesome.
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408. Dude?
Copy !req
409. - Everybody's two-strapping it.
- Just stay with the one-strap.
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410. I can't. I can't. I can't right now.
Copy !req
411. What are you doing? What are you doing?
Don't succumb to the peer pressure.
Copy !req
412. - What are you doing?
- You're supposed to use two straps.
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413. - One strap is peer pressure.
- No. No. You're fucking up right now.
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414. Okay, those are Goths.
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415. Those are nerds.
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416. I don't know what they are.
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417. What the fuck are those things?
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418. I'm so confused right now.
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419. Whoa.
Copy !req
420. - Hi.
- Hey.
Copy !req
421. - Hey.
- Good morning.
Copy !req
422. Hey, yo. HEY-
Copy !req
423. - Is that your car?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
424. What's that thing get, 10 miles to the gallon?
Copy !req
425. No, try, like, seven.
Copy !req
426. - What about you?
- Biodiesel, dawg.
Copy !req
427. Smells like egg rolls.
Copy !req
428. Yeah, it does.
Runs on leftover fry oil from Hunan Palace.
Copy !req
429. But we try to ride bikes when we can.
Global crisis and whatnot.
Copy !req
430. Whatever, man. I don't care about anything.
Copy !req
431. You don't care about the environment?
That's kind of fucked up, man.
Copy !req
432. Hey, hey, will y'all shut the hell up?
Copy !req
433. I'm trying to study. Thanks.
Copy !req
434. Look at him. He's trying.
Copy !req
435. He's actually trying. What a nerd.
Copy !req
436. Look at the nerd. Look at the nerd.
Copy !req
437. - Look at him. Look at the nerd.
- Who you calling a nerd, man?
Copy !req
438. I'm sorry. What...
Copy !req
439. - Shit!
- Shit, dude.
Copy !req
440. Are you okay, man'? Hey, what the hell?
Are you serious?
Copy !req
441. Well, turn that gay-ass music off.
Copy !req
442. - You punched me because I'm gay?
- What?
Copy !req
443. No. Come on.
Copy !req
444. That's not cool, man.
Copy !req
445. That is really insensitive.
Copy !req
446. I didn't punch him because he's gay.
Copy !req
447. I punched him, and then he happened
to turn out to be gay afterwards.
Copy !req
448. - I was gay when you punched me!
- In a weird way,
Copy !req
449. it might have been
homophobic not to punch you
Copy !req
450. - just because you were gay.
- Right.
Copy !req
451. You punched a little gay
black kid in the face,
Copy !req
452. and it's not even second period.
How do you explain that?
Copy !req
453. Mr. Dadier, I'm so sorry about that. I just...
Copy !req
454. Look, guys, I'm going to relate to you, okay?
Copy !req
455. A kid died the other day from drugs,
Copy !req
456. and nobody, including me,
is doing anything about it.
Copy !req
457. That's weird, guys.
Copy !req
458. And then you two show up, with 30 days left,
Copy !req
459. causing trouble in my school.
Copy !req
460. I am one more black gay kid
getting punched in the face
Copy !req
461. away from a nervous breakdown.
Do I make myself clear?
Copy !req
462. You guys cross my line again,
Copy !req
463. and you walk into this office,
I'm going to expel you. You got me?
Copy !req
464. All right, let's do this.
Which one of you is Doug?
Copy !req
465. Let's do that again
and pretend you guys aren't weird.
Copy !req
466. Which one of you is named Doug?
Copy !req
467. - No, dude, I'm Brad.
- Okay, good.
Copy !req
468. So that means your name is Doug, son.
Copy !req
469. - Yeah, I'm Doug.
- Great.
Copy !req
470. Here are your class schedules.
Copy !req
471. Funny, I wouldn't have taken you
for the brainy type.
Copy !req
472. I wouldn't.
But you as a drama geek, far less surprising.
Copy !req
473. Thank you.
Copy !req
474. Now we have the wrong identities,
you dumb-ass.
Copy !req
475. I'm in drama. I suck at drama.
It's girly and embarrassing.
Copy !req
476. Oh, my God. Relax, dude. Who cares?
Copy !req
477. I can fake my way through band practice
and app chemistry for a few weeks.
Copy !req
478. AP Chemistry. AP Chemistry.
And, no, you can't,
Copy !req
479. because you don't even know
what it's actually fucking called!
Copy !req
480. It's going to be fine. You go to my classes,
and I'm going to go to yours.
Copy !req
481. Okay, now, chemistry's
the one with the shapes and shit, right?
Copy !req
482. Fuck.
Copy !req
483. So, we are going to hold auditions
for the Peter Pan part today.
Copy !req
484. Billiam would've wanted the show to go on.
Copy !req
485. When I was a young actorjust starting out
in New York state,
Copy !req
486. Albany, to be exact,
Copy !req
487. - I booked a local television commercial...
- Hey.
Copy !req
488. In which I had to play a young man...
Copy !req
489. It's really sad about that kid. He was talented.
Copy !req
490. So are you saying if he wasn't talented,
it would be less sad?
Copy !req
491. No. No, no, no, that's not what I meant.
Copy !req
492. I was just busting your balls.
Copy !req
493. Okay. Good.
Copy !req
494. I remember, one time,
doing cocaine with Willie Nelson's horse,
Copy !req
495. and we were having so much fun.
Copy !req
496. And then I realized that she was dead.
Copy !req
497. I remember one summer...
Copy !req
498. Do kids still do this stuff?
Copy !req
499. Even after what happened to him?
Copy !req
500. Everyone's saying
that Billiam had a heart murmur.
Copy !req
501. Pretty much everyone I know does it,
but it's not my thing.
Copy !req
502. It's not really my thing, either,
Copy !req
503. but a buddy of mine really wants it.
Copy !req
504. Who would he call if he wanted it?
Copy !req
505. Well, you can tell your friend
Copy !req
506. that if he really wanted it,
Copy !req
507. it's not so hard to find.
Copy !req
508. When to take it.
He shouldn't have been taking it at all.
Copy !req
509. Drugs are bad.
Copy !req
510. But they can have their place
in the life of a professional actor.
Copy !req
511. - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Copy !req
512. Notice the distinction.
I said "professional actor."
Copy !req
513. New person. Mr. Texty Texty.
Copy !req
514. Since you have so much to say to Molly,
Copy !req
515. let's see if you can be Peter to our Wendy.
Copy !req
516. You look like you might have
a little Peter inside of you.
Copy !req
517. I can't.
I'm fine just being a tree or something
Copy !req
518. Doug, you never won't know
Copy !req
519. what you can't achieve
before you don't achieve it.
Copy !req
520. My point is,
Copy !req
521. you have to. Everyone auditions for Peter.
Copy !req
522. Yeah, sure.
Copy !req
523. My favorite molecule is water.
Copy !req
524. I'd marry it, unless it was my daughter
Copy !req
525. Its solid form floats on its liquid form,
which makes it far outside the norm.
Copy !req
526. It allowed life to form on ancient Mars,
and we use it to wash our cars.
Copy !req
527. H2O.
Copy !req
528. H2O. H2O.
Copy !req
529. - H20
- It's okay. Thank you.
Copy !req
530. Thank you, Zack. So good.
Copy !req
531. All right, anybody else
for Molecule Mondays? Anyone?
Copy !req
532. Okay. Time for a pop Quiznos.
Copy !req
533. A what?
Copy !req
534. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
535. What is your name? Brad?
Copy !req
536. - Brad. Yes, ma'am.
- Wow. Look at you,
Copy !req
537. Brad. Big.
Copy !req
538. What is a pop Quiznos?
Copy !req
539. It's a quiz, and the first person who finishes
gets a $10 gift certificate to Quiznos.
Copy !req
540. - Today's quiz is on...
- You look really old.
Copy !req
541. - Were you held back or something or...
- No. You look super young.
Copy !req
542. Were you held forward?
Copy !req
543. I went to school in France, so
Copy !req
544. And they do, like, two extra years
of middle school there. It's so lame.
Copy !req
545. French, the language of love.
Copy !req
546. That's cool, man. It's nice to meet you also.
Copy !req
547. Hey.
Copy !req
548. Good luck.
Copy !req
549. I've gotta crow
Copy !req
550. I'm just the cleverest...
Copy !req
551. Okay.
Copy !req
552. Maybe try one cooler.
Copy !req
553. And faster.
Copy !req
554. And louder. And better.
Copy !req
555. And less insecure and more just cool.
Copy !req
556. Okay, yeah, those are great notes.
Copy !req
557. I'm going to run outside,
Copy !req
558. and I'm going to utilize those,
and I'm going to come back.
Copy !req
559. It's such bullshit.
Copy !req
560. Wow. You're fast.
Copy !req
561. Not like that. Just, let me check you out.
Copy !req
562. Let me check out your chest.
Copy !req
563. Check out your test... Let me...
Copy !req
564. Let me grade your quiz.
Copy !req
565. Can I go take a dump?
Copy !req
566. Yeah, okay. That's cool.
Copy !req
567. We have this "hurry back" rule,
Copy !req
568. so if you're not back in six minutes,
I have to send you to the principal.
Copy !req
569. Rules are rules, so,
Copy !req
570. I guess this will have to be a quickie.
Copy !req
571. - Which way is yearbook?
- I don't know.
Copy !req
572. - Is it this way?
- I don't know!
Copy !req
573. - Yo.
- Hey.
Copy !req
574. YOU guys, huh?
Copy !req
575. That was a total mix-up,
what happened earlier.
Copy !req
576. - Yeah.
- He feels awful. He feels...
Copy !req
577. Totally, very nervous.
Copy !req
578. You're the dealer?
Copy !req
579. - You're the dealer guy?
- Is that you?
Copy !req
580. Yep.
Copy !req
581. So do you make the stuff or...
Copy !req
582. Do I look like a fucking scientist?
No, I just sell it.
Copy !req
583. - Yeah, he just sells it. Come on
- Yeah, no, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
584. - I meant I just...
- How many you guys want?
Copy !req
585. 20 bucks a pop.
Copy !req
586. One each? One pop each of drugs.
Copy !req
587. You guys aren't narcs, are you?
Copy !req
588. Whoa!
Copy !req
589. - Dude, come on.
- No! Maybe you're a narc.
Copy !req
590. You know who calls people narcs?
Copy !req
591. Narcs, narc.
Copy !req
592. First of all, your argument
kind of just collapsed on itself,
Copy !req
593. because if you call us narcs,
Copy !req
594. if narcs call people narcs,
and you call us narcs, then that's kind of...
Copy !req
595. - 'Cause you just said that.
- They call people...
Copy !req
596. Look, I don't have time for this shit.
You guys want to do this or not?
Copy !req
597. - Jesus.
- Yes.
Copy !req
598. - Yes, yes.
- No problem.
Copy !req
599. All right, take it here so I know you're cool.
Copy !req
600. I'm sorry. What?
Copy !req
601. - We were going to take it home.
- I gotta go back to class,
Copy !req
602. - is the only thing.
- I was thinking that I was going to go home,
Copy !req
603. maybe turn down the lights,
Copy !req
604. getting snuggy, get a little weird.
Copy !req
605. I was going to take it,
and then masturbate later.
Copy !req
606. Okay, I'm not asking.
Take it now or get the fuck out.
Copy !req
607. I got to finish the girls' volleyball page
by lunch.
Copy !req
608. Yeah?
Copy !req
609. Yeah, no, it's all good.
Copy !req
610. - I love doing drugs at school.
- I'll just take the drugs right here,
Copy !req
611. in our mouths.
Copy !req
612. There you go. That's it.
Copy !req
613. What is that? Barbecue? Cool Ranch?
Copy !req
614. Have fun.
Copy !req
615. - You got to pull the trigger!
- Okay.
Copy !req
616. You got to pull the trigger!
Copy !req
617. - We got to throw up, man.
- I can't.
Copy !req
618. We gotta throw up. That kid, Billiam, died.
We got to throw up.
Copy !req
619. Just think of something gross.
Think of something gross.
Copy !req
620. - You fucking think of something.
- Okay, all right, all right.
Copy !req
621. Your grandma's vagina,
and there's a dick going into it.
Copy !req
622. - What the fuck are you saying?
- I don't know! I'm just trying!
Copy !req
623. - I'm trying my best! I'm just trying!
- Fuck! Come on, man!
Copy !req
624. Dude, let's just finger each other's mouths.
Copy !req
625. - No!
- Yeah.
Copy !req
626. No, you're not fingering my mouth.
Copy !req
627. - Do you wanna die? Do you wanna die?
- Okay, fine!
Copy !req
628. Let's go. Come on. Come on! Come on!
Copy !req
629. What are you doing?
Are you trying to find my G-spot?
Copy !req
630. - Just stick it in!
- I don't know. I've never done this before!
Copy !req
631. Just stick it in! Go!
Copy !req
632. Cut your fucking fingernails!
Copy !req
633. Oh, God!
Copy !req
634. Is it me?
Copy !req
635. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
636. I just can't sometimes.
Copy !req
637. Think we're going to be fine.
I don't feel anything.
Copy !req
638. Me, neither.
Copy !req
639. Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Copy !req
640. You got a pass for running around
the hallways like a couple of ding-a-lings?
Copy !req
641. Pass, in your hand.
Copy !req
642. Hello.
Copy !req
643. Damn. You guys are late.
Copy !req
644. Now I'm going to have to take you
to the principal's office.
Copy !req
645. - No, no, no, man. Come on, please. Sorry.
- Come on, please.
Copy !req
646. You have exceptional muscle tone there,
young man.
Copy !req
647. When'd you go through puberty?
Like, at seven or something?
Copy !req
648. You look like you're in your mid-20s,
for crying out loud.
Copy !req
649. McQuaid, huh? Doug McQuaid.
Copy !req
650. I read your file.
Copy !req
651. You got a lot of something special
going on there, young man.
Copy !req
652. What the hell was that? God damn it, son!
Copy !req
653. Don't ever raise your hand to me like that
again, all right?
Copy !req
654. I consider that a threat.
Copy !req
655. I was just saying that I'm Doug.
Copy !req
656. I'm Doug McQuaid. See, that's Brad.
Copy !req
657. That's Brad.
Copy !req
658. You're the new kid who's All County in track?
Copy !req
659. Yes, I'm Doug McQuaid,
Copy !req
660. the track star, and this is Brad,
the science prodigy.
Copy !req
661. He's really fast.
Copy !req
662. Is this funny to you guys?
Copy !req
663. So you're Doug. You're Doug. You're Doug.
Copy !req
664. You're Doug. You're Doug.
Copy !req
665. Here's the deal.
Copy !req
666. My track team is full
of physically incapable rejects.
Copy !req
667. I mean, if I wasn't the coach,
I'd be laughing my ass off
Copy !req
668. at how spastic they are, but I am the coach,
Copy !req
669. so I need you.
Copy !req
670. I need me some Doug McQuaid.
Copy !req
671. Understand?
Copy !req
672. I need you to run anchor on the 4 X 400
at today's track meet.
Copy !req
673. You do that, and I'll sign this pass.
Copy !req
674. Don't blow on me, son.
Copy !req
675. I haven't trained.
Copy !req
676. Guys, don't make me take you
to the principal's office.
Copy !req
677. Do we have a deal?
Copy !req
678. Yes.
Copy !req
679. Nice.
Copy !req
680. I don't like that.
Put your tongue back in your mouth.
Copy !req
681. Put your tongue in your mouth, and close it
Copy !req
682. What are you doing? Stop it.
Copy !req
683. Actually, that's not bad.
Copy !req
684. All right, here you go.
Copy !req
685. Are you guys on drugs?
Copy !req
686. Okay.
Copy !req
687. One particle of Unobtainium has
a nuclear reaction with a flux capacitor.
Copy !req
688. Carry the two, changing its atomic isotoner
into a radioactive spider.
Copy !req
689. Fuck you, science!
Copy !req
690. All right, all right, we're good.
Copy !req
691. We're good. We're good, man. We're good.
Copy !req
692. We're good, baby.
Copy !req
693. Good work. Hit that shit.
Copy !req
694. I've gotta crow
Copy !req
695. I'm just the cleverest fellow
Copy !req
696. 'Twas ever my fortune to know
Copy !req
697. I taught a trick to my shadow
Copy !req
698. To stick to the tip of my toe
Copy !req
699. I've gotta crow
Copy !req
700. I've gotta
Copy !req
701. Crow!
Copy !req
702. Christoph, did you feel that?
Copy !req
703. Who are you?
Copy !req
704. Welcome aboard, Peter.
Copy !req
705. No, keep it going!
Copy !req
706. Keep it going. That was so tight!
Copy !req
707. No, no, no, keep it going. Keep it going.
Copy !req
708. All right, let's go, McQuaid!
Copy !req
709. All right! Yeah!
Copy !req
710. I like it! I like the confidence, son!
Copy !req
711. I know y'all seen this shit before.
Copy !req
712. I know you've seen this shit before.
Copy !req
713. Huge lead! Huge lead! We got this. All right.
Copy !req
714. You're looking amped!
Copy !req
715. Here we go.
Copy !req
716. Here we go! Here we go!
Copy !req
717. Hey, pick it up!
Copy !req
718. Hey, no, McQuaid, pick it up.
What are you doing?
Copy !req
719. What are you doing? Pick it...
Copy !req
720. What? McQuaid!
Copy !req
721. Don't throw the baton, you jackass!
Copy !req
722. Come on!
Copy !req
723. McQuaid!
Copy !req
724. Run that way!
Copy !req
725. Spike that! Fuck you, Miles Davis!
Copy !req
726. Let's go, God damn it! Let's do this!
Copy !req
727. Let's go! Come on!
Copy !req
728. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
729. No, no.
Copy !req
730. No, stop.
Copy !req
731. Come here. Come here.
Copy !req
732. Don't make a...
Copy !req
733. That is a baton penis.
Copy !req
734. Speak of the devil!
Copy !req
735. Dude, that was awesome
how you sabotaged that track meet, man.
Copy !req
736. Organized sports are so fascist.
It makes me sick.
Copy !req
737. That's just what I do.
Copy !req
738. Okay. Shit, man. See you around, all right?
Copy !req
739. I don't get this school.
Copy !req
740. That was awesome.
Copy !req
741. Okay, so we stayed up all night making this.
Copy !req
742. It's awesome. You're really going to like it.
Copy !req
743. All yarn work was done by Jenko.
Copy !req
744. Okay, Captain, look,
the dealers are the popular kids,
Copy !req
745. but they're not normal popular.
Copy !req
746. They're these crunchy granola dudes
that have convinced everyone
Copy !req
747. that they're cool, and they're not cool.
Copy !req
748. It's backwards and unnatural,
and it's got to be stopped.
Copy !req
749. Lead dealer, Eric Molson. Alpha dog.
Copy !req
750. Sick chicks, killer steeze.
Copy !req
751. Did the AIDS run this year.
Copy !req
752. He's getting into Berkeley, early admish,
Copy !req
753. and he totally gets me.
Copy !req
754. Who put this together'? Are you autistic?
Copy !req
755. It is artistic, sir, because the thing is,
Copy !req
756. - the yarn actually indicates...
- We're compiling a list
Copy !req
757. of suspicious types at school.
The users are here.
Copy !req
758. This kid was actually talking
to a tree this morning.
Copy !req
759. Cut the bullshit!
Copy !req
760. I want to know who's the supplier.
Copy !req
761. We don't know. That's why
there's a question mark on his face.
Copy !req
762. That's not the way his face looks.
That's just a question mark.
Copy !req
763. Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.
Copy !req
764. Simple.
Copy !req
765. Sounds like you guys
really cracked the whole case.
Copy !req
766. Great job. You guys are on fire
Copy !req
767. - So proud.
- Like you could do any better?
Copy !req
768. We just brought down a group
of wannabe thugs
Copy !req
769. stripping down cars
in the Garfield High metal shop.
Copy !req
770. - What?
- Meanwhile, you two were standing around
Copy !req
771. finger-popping each other's assholes.
Copy !req
772. We're not finger-popping
each other's assholes.
Copy !req
773. What we're doing is getting shit done.
Copy !req
774. Yeah, as a matter of fact,
Copy !req
775. I'm about to infiltrate a super high-tech
Copy !req
776. drug manufacturing ring
in the chemistry classroom.
Copy !req
777. - Password!
- Open the door!
Copy !req
778. - You have to say the password.
- I'm sorry. What?
Copy !req
779. What are you...
Copy !req
780. Geez.
Copy !req
781. What are y'all doing?
How'd you get a key in here?
Copy !req
782. Ms. Griggs gave us one
so we could work, tutor, deal Bakugan.
Copy !req
783. Bakugan? You dealing drugs?
Copy !req
784. - Let me see. You dealing drugs?
- No.
Copy !req
785. It's just a card game.
It's, like, a hybrid card game.
Copy !req
786. - See? They open up.
- Battle Brawlers.
Copy !req
787. - You're not doing anything illegal?
- No.
Copy !req
788. - What are you doing in here?
- I'm here to study.
Copy !req
789. Good. You could use it.
You're pretty far behind, so...
Copy !req
790. You're behind. I'm ahead.
Copy !req
791. - I know everything.
- Really'?
Copy !req
792. What's a covalent bond?
Copy !req
793. Fuck you, man. I don't need to tell you.
Copy !req
794. I wasn't trying to be rude. Sorry
Copy !req
795. I just... I don't think you know everything.
Copy !req
796. I know everything.
Copy !req
797. Okay.
Copy !req
798. What kind of bullshit do they say
about a covalent bond in this school?
Copy !req
799. They say it's when two atoms
share both their electrons.
Copy !req
800. It helps them to stick together.
Copy !req
801. I could help you out if you want,
tutor you for the test.
Copy !req
802. What are you doing
with all those phones anyway?
Copy !req
803. I crack and jailbreak kids' phones
to try and save for college.
Copy !req
804. You know, I switch their wireless carriers,
get them restricted apps.
Copy !req
805. Can you listen in on phone calls and stuff?
Copy !req
806. No, no, I can't install a spyvvare
to remotely monitor calls
Copy !req
807. or anything that the mic picks up.
Copy !req
808. - I can't do that at all.
- Wait, you can't do it?
Copy !req
809. No, I can't.
Copy !req
810. - Is he being sarcastic?
- I don't know.
Copy !req
811. So you can.
Copy !req
812. Liking comic books is popular.
Copy !req
813. Environmental awareness, being tolerant.
Copy !req
814. If I was just born 10 years later,
I would have been the coolest person ever.
Copy !req
815. I know. It's bullshit.
Copy !req
816. You know what?
Copy !req
817. I totally know the cause.
Copy !req
818. Glee. Fuck you, Glee.
Copy !req
819. Man, I got to say, this is kind of awesome.
Copy !req
820. I might become popular.
I might get in with the popular kids.
Copy !req
821. We just have to do something
wildly irresponsible to earn their trust.
Copy !req
822. You saying we should throw a party?
Copy !req
823. I'll invite Molly,
and then Molly will invite Eric,
Copy !req
824. and that'll be the quickest way for me
to bro down with him.
Copy !req
825. Wouldn't it be better if we both infiltrated
the cool kids' group?
Copy !req
826. I think it would be better if you get in
Copy !req
827. with the nerdy kids
and see what's going on over there.
Copy !req
828. That'd be the best thing for the case.
Copy !req
829. Yeah. I mean, I guess that makes sense.
Copy !req
830. - Hello?
- Hey. Is this Molly?
Copy !req
831. Speaking.
Copy !req
832. Hey. It's Schmidt.
Copy !req
833. It's Doug Schmug McQuaid.
Copy !req
834. Hey, man.
Copy !req
835. It's so weird that you're calling me.
Copy !req
836. I pretty much text
except for when a random old relative calls.
Copy !req
837. I was just calling 'cause we're costarring
in this play together,
Copy !req
838. - and . . .
- Hello?
Copy !req
839. Mom, get off the phone!
Copy !req
840. Sorry, Do!-IQ,
Copy !req
841. - my teen son.
- Mom!
Copy !req
842. I love you, honey, Dougie,
Doug, Douglas McQuaid.
Copy !req
843. Mom, so serious right now! Stop!
Copy !req
844. I'm sorry. My mom's such a dick.
Copy !req
845. She just, like, smothers me with affection
and makes me feel like I'm five years old.
Copy !req
846. Wow. You're a sharer. I dig that.
Copy !req
847. Well, I'm 18 years old, and my mom
still packs a lunch for me every day.
Copy !req
848. There was this one month
where she bought me 43 stuffed animals.
Copy !req
849. The doctor thought
I was gonna spontaneously grow a vagina.
Copy !req
850. I didn't, though, just to be clear.
Copy !req
851. Yeah, because you already had one.
Copy !req
852. Exactly. I already had one.
Copy !req
853. And you don't need two vaginae.
You just don't.
Copy !req
854. Although you could use one as a coin purse.
Copy !req
855. I never got any stuffed animals growing up.
Copy !req
856. Wait, actually, that's not true. I did.
Copy !req
857. My dad gave me a stuffed puppy
the day he bailed on us.
Copy !req
858. I'm just fucking with you.
Copy !req
859. That is a weird joke.
Copy !req
860. I thought your dad abandoned your family.
Copy !req
861. No, he did walk out on us, though.
Copy !req
862. But he didn't even leave me a stuffed puppy.
Copy !req
863. Just broken dreams.
Copy !req
864. Oh, man. Well, I guess, to that, I would say
Copy !req
865. well,
Copy !req
866. that there are some good guys out there,
Copy !req
867. and I wouldn't let, you know, one experience
Copy !req
868. taint your memory.
Copy !req
869. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
870. Are you getting choked up?
I'm sorry if I made you upset.
Copy !req
871. No, it's just, you know,
I don't like when guys are mean to girls.
Copy !req
872. Yeah. Well, thanks.
Copy !req
873. Normal transition here.
Copy !req
874. Actually, I'm having a party next weekend.
You should come!
Copy !req
875. You and Eric and Juario, whatever.
Copy !req
876. Do you mind if I just put, like,
a posting on Facebook?
Copy !req
877. Okay. Yeah, yeah!
Copy !req
878. I should call you back.
Copy !req
879. Well, all right, I'll see you at school.
You're a great person.
Copy !req
880. - 5ye-bye. B ye_
- Bye.
Copy !req
881. What the fuck are you...
Copy !req
882. Are y'all throwing a party?
Copy !req
883. - What?
- There's rumors in the Twittersphere.
Copy !req
884. And if any of my officers
Copy !req
885. are caught giving alcohol to minors,
Copy !req
886. they'll find theyself in prison
Copy !req
887. with a snorkel duct-taped to they mouth
Copy !req
888. and me shitting down that snorkel.
Copy !req
889. That's extremely vivid. Thank you.
Copy !req
890. You're the best. You are the best.
Copy !req
891. - Oh, my God.
- We love you.
Copy !req
892. - Enjoy the vineyard.
- You boys be good, now.
Copy !req
893. Yeah, I can't believe you guys did this for us.
Copy !req
894. Bye!
Copy !req
895. "We love you"? What are you doing'?
Why you saying "I love you" to my mom?
Copy !req
896. - I'm in character. Shut up.
- It's weird.
Copy !req
897. Look, dude, it's kind of like we're brothers.
Copy !req
898. Wait, how are we going to buy alcohol?
Copy !req
899. Dude, I don't have a fake ID.
Copy !req
900. How are we going to get drugs for the party?
Copy !req
901. Oh, no.
Copy !req
902. We got a pound of coke.
Copy !req
903. We're trying to show them a good time,
not ruin their fucking lives.
Copy !req
904. Pound of marijuana?
Copy !req
905. - Best party ever.
- Boo-yah!
Copy !req
906. To a brilliant idea
Copy !req
907. from my brilliant brother
Copy !req
908. that I love so very much.
Copy !req
909. And this is going to fucking rock.
Copy !req
910. - Cheers, man.
- Cheers.
Copy !req
911. - Who invited you guys?
- I did!
Copy !req
912. The party's here!
Copy !req
913. - What's up, Zack?
- Hey, buddy.
Copy !req
914. What's up, Roman?
Copy !req
915. This is crazy. This is, like,
the craziest thing I've ever been a part of.
Copy !req
916. Where is Eric, man? He said he'd be here.
Copy !req
917. Do we have enough chips?
Copy !req
918. Is this playlist too dance-y?
Copy !req
919. - Feels too dance-y.
- Too dance-y?
Copy !req
920. - What are you talking about?
- I don't know, it just feels dance-y.
Copy !req
921. What are you doing?
Copy !req
922. - That's my mom's Kokopelli vase.
- I got it, I got it.
Copy !req
923. Doug, Doug, hey!
Copy !req
924. Hey, Paul Blart: Molly Cop.
Copy !req
925. Such a bad joke.
Copy !req
926. Terrible, terrible.
Copy !req
927. - You guys know each other, right?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
928. Get ready, get ready, there's Eric.
Wait for the signal.
Copy !req
929. And then you come in here
looking like a rock-solid 10.
Copy !req
930. What?
Copy !req
931. What's up, man, how you doing?
Copy !req
932. Eco Suave.
Copy !req
933. Whoa.
Copy !req
934. Wow, so I'm really digging this decor.
Copy !req
935. Very Native American.
Copy !req
936. Yeah, our parents are actually
Copy !req
937. - really into Native American...
- Let's rock and roll.
Copy !req
938. - Sorry.
- What are y'all doing?
Copy !req
939. - Come on.
- Did you guys even see Eric?
Copy !req
940. Seriously, did you not see Eric?
Copy !req
941. No offense, man, but your brother sucks.
Copy !req
942. Yo, this is butt.
There's, like, no hot dudes here.
Copy !req
943. - Man, let's bounce.
- We're out of here, man.
Copy !req
944. No, no, no, come on, you guys just got here
you just got here.
Copy !req
945. Come on, let me at least give you a tour.
Copy !req
946. Okay, boys, come on, we did it,
we can do this, just go,
Copy !req
947. just go as fast as you possibly can.
Copy !req
948. Taking out the SIM card.
Copy !req
949. Taking down Eric
with the SIM card information
Copy !req
950. Come on, CSI the shit out of this thing.
Copy !req
951. - Are you drunk?
- No.
Copy !req
952. Have you even been drunk before?
Copy !req
953. - No, but...
- Give me this.
Copy !req
954. - What?
- Can we get some bitches up in here?
Copy !req
955. 'Cause it's just boys right now.
Copy !req
956. No, you can't get any bitches up here.
Copy !req
957. This is my parents' bedroom.
Copy !req
958. - What the fuck, bro? Some privacy!
- Shit, shit, shit!
Copy !req
959. And that is a really gross three-way.
Copy !req
960. But what was the girl in the back doing?
Copy !req
961. Warehouse rave in Ellsworth.
Copy !req
962. Cool, yeah.
Copy !req
963. Hey, man, thank you for the hospitality,
Copy !req
964. but we got to get going.
You know how it is, yeah?
Copy !req
965. Dude, tell me about it.
Copy !req
966. Is it ready? He's gonna leave right now.
Copy !req
967. It's extracting right now.
Copy !req
968. Dude, it's now or never! Is it ready or not?
Copy !req
969. Read this.
"Please wait. Extracting data from SIM card."
Copy !req
970. Shit! It's a bust.
Copy !req
971. - Keep it casual.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
972. - Go with the flow, dude.
- Cool, man.
Copy !req
973. - I don't like to make plans or whatever.
- You got it.
Copy !req
974. - Thank you again, though, man.
- All right.
Copy !req
975. Eric, Eric, Eric. Hey, man, what's up?
Copy !req
976. Hey, why you here, Scott?
Copy !req
977. What, Kennedy High
isn't having any parties tonight?
Copy !req
978. No, I heard you guys were partying
with some new stuff.
Copy !req
979. Wanted to know your hookup
so me and my boys can get in on it.
Copy !req
980. Got other commitments on that front,
so, you know...
Copy !req
981. I wasn't asking.
Copy !req
982. Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Copy !req
983. Take five, take five, man, let me get this.
I got this.
Copy !req
984. - Yeah? You sure?
- I got this one.
Copy !req
985. Hey, big player, I don't know who you are.
Copy !req
986. - Don't worry about who I am.
- I'm worried about it.
Copy !req
987. - Why?
- 'Cause you're at my party right now, dude.
Copy !req
988. This is my temple,
this is where I come to find peace, dawg,
Copy !req
989. and you're coming in here
like an emotional bull in a china shop,
Copy !req
990. metaphorically knocking over vases,
messing with my crew,
Copy !req
991. and I'm like, "What, Scott, what, Scott,
what, what, what, what, Scott?"
Copy !req
992. - It's that kind of party?
- Yeah, dude.
Copy !req
993. Matter of fact, it's getting hot in here, huh?
Copy !req
994. - No, it's getting real.
- It's getting very real.
Copy !req
995. Yeah. It's like seven strangers
living in one house. True story.
Copy !req
996. - You want Real World?
- Yeah, let's do it, man.
Copy !req
997. - Come on. What's your Real...
- Here's Real World.
Copy !req
998. What was that? Did you hear that?
Copy !req
999. Real enough for you?
Copy !req
1000. Schmidt. Doug.
Copy !req
1001. - What do I do?
- Hit him!
Copy !req
1002. Shit! That hurt worse than when he hit me!
Copy !req
1003. Fight normal.
Copy !req
1004. Yo, I'm serious.
Copy !req
1005. Sorry.
Copy !req
1006. - I'll fucking kill you!
- I'm sorry! I'm very sorry!
Copy !req
1007. Seriously, use your words, use your words!
Copy !req
1008. I kicked him in the nuts.
Copy !req
1009. Fight's over, dude! Fight's over! Fight's over!
Copy !req
1010. No, watch my mom's shit, man!
Copy !req
1011. - I'm gonna fucking kill you!
- You'll knock over my mom's vase!
Copy !req
1012. - Fuck your mom's vase!
- Fuck this!
Copy !req
1013. Oh, shit!
Copy !req
1014. Yeah!
Copy !req
1015. That's my brother!
Copy !req
1016. - That was insane!
- You're so cool!
Copy !req
1017. Did you see that shit? That was crazy.
Copy !req
1018. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1019. When did I get stabbed?
Copy !req
1020. That's awesome.
Copy !req
1021. Yeah!
Copy !req
1022. Is that a cop?
Copy !req
1023. Where?
Copy !req
1024. No, it's not. Here.
Copy !req
1025. I'm so glad we're going back
to get my phone.
Copy !req
1026. I just hope we don't wake up Schmidty.
Copy !req
1027. Oh, my God, he's a policeman now.
Copy !req
1028. It's like we're living with a narc.
Copy !req
1029. The boy is an angel.
Copy !req
1030. Pull it out!
Copy !req
1031. Pull it out! Pull it out! Pull it out!
Copy !req
1032. Sorry!
Copy !req
1033. Okay, let's take some shots.
Copy !req
1034. Shots, shots!
Copy !req
1035. That's like us fucking Mother Earth
without a condom.
Copy !req
1036. What the fuck is going on?
Copy !req
1037. Annie, hang on.
Copy !req
1038. Are you fucking kidding me?
Copy !req
1039. Get out of my house. I said get out!
The party's over!
Copy !req
1040. I'm sorry, Mom, I'm sorry!
Copy !req
1041. The mom is coming!
Copy !req
1042. - Listen to me!
- Chill out! Chill out!
Copy !req
1043. - Let go of me!
- You're embarrassing me
Copy !req
1044. - in front of my friends!
- Get back here, you shit!
Copy !req
1045. Dude, that was so crazy, man.
Copy !req
1046. I swear, best party I've been to in years.
Copy !req
1047. Dude, I'm doing crazy stuff like that,
Copy !req
1048. - like, all the time, man.
- I bet you are.
Copy !req
1049. Dude, I'm so amped right now, God!
Copy !req
1050. You, dude, I like you, man.
Copy !req
1051. How do you feel about making
a little extra money?
Copy !req
1052. Whatever it is, I'm in.
Copy !req
1053. All right, here's the deal.
Copy !req
1054. Okay, I can't sell all this shit on my own,
but I only bring in people I like.
Copy !req
1055. Okay, you do good,
maybe we bring you in on what we're doing,
Copy !req
1056. I introduce you to my hookup.
How's that sound?
Copy !req
1057. - Cool with me.
- My man.
Copy !req
1058. That is my man...
Copy !req
1059. That was nuts. I lost you guys.
Copy !req
1060. Hey, thank you again for the party, man.
Copy !req
1061. Yo, yo.
Copy !req
1062. Come on!
Copy !req
1063. "I love dick"?
Copy !req
1064. You think that's funny?
Copy !req
1065. "Wonder Years douche"?
Copy !req
1066. What kind of a sick animal draws
Copy !req
1067. an ejaculating penis
into an 8-year-old's mouth?
Copy !req
1068. It's arguably, like, an airplane throwing up.
Copy !req
1069. You think I don't know
that's a dick and balls?
Copy !req
1070. I know all about dick and balls!
Copy !req
1071. I partied with Robert Downey Jr.
before he got sober,
Copy !req
1072. when he was really fucked up
and a lot of fun!
Copy !req
1073. You know what?
From now on, you're gonna do some chores.
Copy !req
1074. You're gonna wash the laundry,
you're gonna fold it,
Copy !req
1075. you're gonna do the dishes,
you're gonna mow the lawn...
Copy !req
1076. Dude, I have a surprise for you.
Copy !req
1077. Last night at the party, I took Eric's phone
Copy !req
1078. and I had Zack put
this monitoring device in it,
Copy !req
1079. so we're gonna get to hear every single thing
that little prick is up to.
Copy !req
1080. Dude, I don't know if that was a good idea.
Copy !req
1081. What?
Copy !req
1082. - What if you had gotten found out?
- But it worked.
Copy !req
1083. This is, like,
the smartest move I've ever pulled,
Copy !req
1084. so, I'm sorry,
what are you getting mad at me for?
Copy !req
1085. I'm not getting mad at you.
I'm glad you have something to do.
Copy !req
1086. Good.
Copy !req
1087. What's up?
Copy !req
1088. Great job, Schmidt
Copy !req
1089. - Password!
- Kneel before Zod!
Copy !req
1090. You may enter.
Copy !req
1091. Thank you, Zod.
Copy !req
1092. Let's tap that wire, huh?
Copy !req
1093. We were just about to go outside
with a bunch of chemicals.
Copy !req
1094. We were going to test what blows up.
Copy !req
1095. There's no reason the wiretap
is super urgent, right'?
Copy !req
1096. Not that I can think of
that would make sense.
Copy !req
1097. Go for it, go for it.
Copy !req
1098. - Look out.
- Go, go, go!
Copy !req
1099. Yes!
Copy !req
1100. Yes, that's what I'm talking about!
Copy !req
1101. That's what I'm talking about!
Copy !req
1102. I love this science shit!
Copy !req
1103. This is what you guys do all day?
Let's do it again.
Copy !req
1104. Are you texting Molly?
Copy !req
1105. What?
Copy !req
1106. I don't... Molly...
Copy !req
1107. Maybe. Is that...
Copy !req
1108. Whoa, it's cool, man, come on.
Copy !req
1109. I'm not some, like,
'50s letterman who pins a girl.
Copy !req
1110. I mean, yeah, we blow each other sometimes,
but it's not a thing.
Copy !req
1111. I just, like... I don't know,
I don't believe in possessions, ja feel?
Copy !req
1112. Ja feel, ja definitely feel.
Copy !req
1113. - Yeah.
- Schmidty?
Copy !req
1114. Schmidty.
Copy !req
1115. Phyllis.
Copy !req
1116. - I'll be right back, dude.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1117. Hey. How are you?
Copy !req
1118. - How is my favorite police officer?
- Okay.
Copy !req
1119. Your mother told me that you are undercover.
Copy !req
1120. Listen, now is not a really good time.
Copy !req
1121. Are you undercover right now?
Copy !req
1122. Yes, it means I'm undercover right now.
Copy !req
1123. Are those the bad guys over there?
Copy !req
1124. Do they have guns? Oh, my God.
Oh, God, this is so exciting.
Copy !req
1125. I have got to call Annie. She is gonna die.
Copy !req
1126. I heard that that Jenko boy is your partner.
Copy !req
1127. - Where is my phone?
- Okay, okay.
Copy !req
1128. Shut your fucking mouth.
Copy !req
1129. Shut your fucking mouth,
you understand me?
Copy !req
1130. Let's go check this out.
Copy !req
1131. I will straight-up punch you in the face
if you do not shut up.
Copy !req
1132. - There is no...
- A straight-up face punch.
Copy !req
1133. I swear to God, you're gonna get me killed.
Copy !req
1134. - Hey, yo.
- That is...
Copy !req
1135. Shit! She just tried to grab my dick, dude!
Copy !req
1136. - What? You tried to grab his...
- She tried to grab myjunk.
Copy !req
1137. She was like, "Oh, my God, I have arthritis,
Copy !req
1138. "it hurts my hand,
I need to grab a handful of that dick."
Copy !req
1139. I was like, "Get the fuck off me!"
Copy !req
1140. She said, "I need to grab
a handful of that dick"?
Copy !req
1141. And it felt good,
but then it felt weird for a second,
Copy !req
1142. so I pushed her. We got to get out of here.
Copy !req
1143. All right, cool, let's get the...
Copy !req
1144. So your parents are just cool
with having people over whenever?
Copy !req
1145. Yeah, you know, they're out most nights.
Copy !req
1146. Pretty laissez-faire about the whole thing.
Copy !req
1147. You're so lucky your parents
don't give a shit about you.
Copy !req
1148. Right?
Copy !req
1149. - This place is awesome.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1150. Hey.
Copy !req
1151. Hey, what's up?
Copy !req
1152. How's it going?
Copy !req
1153. Wow, that's a bigger hug
than I was expecting.
Copy !req
1154. Sorry. I'm happy to see you.
Copy !req
1155. Yeah. Yeah, me, too.
Copy !req
1156. - H6Y-
- HeY-
Copy !req
1157. Good?
Copy !req
1158. - All right, come on.
- Yeah, let's...
Copy !req
1159. I brought tacos, so that's cool.
Copy !req
1160. Try to turn it, try to turn it, spoiler alert
Copy !req
1161. Spoiler alert, spoiler alert!
Copy !req
1162. Hey, boys, this eco-pussy
is going down today.
Copy !req
1163. Take down eco-pussy
Copy !req
1164. Take down eco-pussy!
Copy !req
1165. Mother Earth, Mother Earth is dying
Copy !req
1166. And when it rains
Copy !req
1167. It means that beautiful bitch is crying
Copy !req
1168. - It's really not a planet.
- It's for sure a planet.
Copy !req
1169. Pluto is a planet.
Copy !req
1170. - It's ready!
- It used to be a planet.
Copy !req
1171. - It's ready.
- Not any more.
Copy !req
1172. Reduce, reuse
Copy !req
1173. Recycle
Copy !req
1174. I'm embarrassed.
Copy !req
1175. - I always feel exposed after playing.
- Do not feel exposed.
Copy !req
1176. I got to use the bathroom.
Copy !req
1177. - Is it in there?
- Yeah, yeah, right up there, dude.
Copy !req
1178. All right, all right, all right, all right.
God damn that.
Copy !req
1179. The mic is live and we can
hear how the other half lives.
Copy !req
1180. What are you doing?
Copy !req
1181. I heard something.
Copy !req
1182. Hey, can I ask you something? Sit down.
Copy !req
1183. Okay.
Copy !req
1184. I just want to make sure
that you and Eric are going to be careful
Copy !req
1185. with whatever it is
that you're getting involved in.
Copy !req
1186. Yeah, I promise we will.
Copy !req
1187. It would just suck
if something bad happened,
Copy !req
1188. because you're a good guy.
Copy !req
1189. Yeah, no, I feel the same way about you,
Copy !req
1190. except girl version.
Copy !req
1191. You're a girl.
Copy !req
1192. - I am.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1193. That's why I put this dress on,
Copy !req
1194. - to remind you.
- Exactly.
Copy !req
1195. - Are you excited about the play?
- Yes.
Copy !req
1196. Yeah, you were just
Copy !req
1197. - right in there with excitement.
- Yes.
Copy !req
1198. - No hesitash.
- I'm very excited.
Copy !req
1199. Yeah.
Copy !req
1200. Does that make me a super nerd?
Copy !req
1201. No, not at all.
Copy !req
1202. We get to act together:
Copy !req
1203. What a vagina. He has no chance with her.
Copy !req
1204. So...
Copy !req
1205. - Shit.
- Sorry.
Copy !req
1206. You're on the prom committee.
Copy !req
1207. Do you think it's going to be fun?
Copy !req
1208. Did shejust bring up prom on her own?
Copy !req
1209. - She did, she just brought up prom.
- What is she doing?
Copy !req
1210. I think it's going to be awesome.
Copy !req
1211. - Prom eats a dong.
- Multiple dongs.
Copy !req
1212. All right, anyone who says
Copy !req
1213. they don't care about prom
actually secretly does.
Copy !req
1214. Who we gonna take to the prom?
No one's going to prom with us.
Copy !req
1215. Come on, picture it.
You pull up in a white stallion of a limo.
Copy !req
1216. You got fine-ass honeys with you.
Copy !req
1217. You're dressed to the nines
with your best buds.
Copy !req
1218. Doves fly out behind you, slow motion.
Copy !req
1219. Doves. Why doves?
Copy !req
1220. 'Cause doves make you look
like a badass, that's why.
Copy !req
1221. I am pretty skeptical,
Copy !req
1222. but maybe, if someone fun asked me,
I would go.
Copy !req
1223. Aren't... Isn't... Aren't you and Eric...
Copy !req
1224. Wouldn't you and Eric go together?
Copy !req
1225. Not that I know of.
Copy !req
1226. Would you...
Copy !req
1227. He's going to choke.
Copy !req
1228. He always chokes.
He's going to choke, wait for it.
Copy !req
1229. So would...
Copy !req
1230. So would...
Copy !req
1231. Would you...
Copy !req
1232. Mayb...
Copy !req
1233. - Oh, my God. Are you okay?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1234. That is the actual sound of choking.
Copy !req
1235. I was wondering if you...
Copy !req
1236. Would you
Copy !req
1237. maybe want to go
Copy !req
1238. with me to prom?
Copy !req
1239. Would you want to go to me...
Maybe with me to prom?
Copy !req
1240. Yes.
Copy !req
1241. I would love to go to prom with you.
Copy !req
1242. What? She just said yes!
Copy !req
1243. - Whoa.
- Wow.
Copy !req
1244. Good for you, Doug.
Copy !req
1245. Thank you for asking.
Copy !req
1246. Put her there, man.
Copy !req
1247. Just put... Put it right there.
Copy !req
1248. I'm putting it right there.
Copy !req
1249. Yeah. There you guys are.
Copy !req
1250. What's up, my man?
Copy !req
1251. - Hi.
- How you doing?
Copy !req
1252. - Whazzup?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1253. Doug... Okay, settle an argument.
Copy !req
1254. You and your brother aren't related, right?
Copy !req
1255. 'Cause you look totally different.
Copy !req
1256. He's adopted.
Copy !req
1257. We all suspect from a very lame family.
Copy !req
1258. Where is he tonight?
Copy !req
1259. Probably at home with those lame tools
he hangs out with. I don't know.
Copy !req
1260. You know how Tom Cruise is
always pissed off at Rain Man?
Copy !req
1261. That's like my life,
except Brad is really shitty at math.
Copy !req
1262. Your brother's kind of a dick.
Copy !req
1263. Well, yeah.
Copy !req
1264. He kind of is, isn't he?
Copy !req
1265. Don't listen to that.
Copy !req
1266. I don't give a fuck.
Copy !req
1267. Dude, Eric is the funniest IM-er.
Copy !req
1268. Oh, fuck.
Copy !req
1269. Hey, guys. It's so funny seeing you here.
Copy !req
1270. How are you? Guess what, I don't care.
Copy !req
1271. We just closed our third
high school operation.
Copy !req
1272. And check what we found at Kennedy.
Copy !req
1273. Looks like we're going to have to do
your job for you.
Copy !req
1274. Your drugs is spreading
to different schools now, sucker.
Copy !req
1275. You failed to stop the outbreak,
and you have no leads!
Copy !req
1276. We are running out of time!
Copy !req
1277. You either find the supplier,
Copy !req
1278. or I'm gonna jump your asses
off Jump Street!
Copy !req
1279. I totally understand
where you're coming from, sir,
Copy !req
1280. but, look, I heard Eric
talking on the phone yesterday
Copy !req
1281. with somebody that sounded very suspect
Copy !req
1282. about meeting up with a stuffed pifiata.
Copy !req
1283. Is that a code for sex?
Copy !req
1284. - Pifiata? Really?
- Yep.
Copy !req
1285. Remember that wiretap
I put on Eric's phone?
Copy !req
1286. While you were having the time of your life
last night, I was listening.
Copy !req
1287. I overheard a phone call between Eric
and some dude about a pifiata.
Copy !req
1288. That's all you heard?
Copy !req
1289. Yep.
Copy !req
1290. I am so nervous.
Copy !req
1291. We are about to premiere
in front of the whole school.
Copy !req
1292. I apologize in advance
if I throw up on you onstage.
Copy !req
1293. Serious question, though.
Copy !req
1294. How do I look?
Copy !req
1295. Ravishing.
Copy !req
1296. Is it too sexy of an outfit?
Copy !req
1297. Bend the knee a little bit.
Copy !req
1298. Yep, it is.
Copy !req
1299. It's going to be so much easier
having you onstage with me.
Copy !req
1300. I am so happy that I met you.
Copy !req
1301. You're, like, the only guy
that I can really trust.
Copy !req
1302. Yep. That's me.
Copy !req
1303. Doug.
Copy !req
1304. Potassium nitrate.
Copy !req
1305. Don't hate. It's great.
Copy !req
1306. It can act as an oxidizer.
Copy !req
1307. I didn't know that, but now I'm wiser.
Copy !req
1308. It has a crystalline structure.
Copy !req
1309. If you can't respect that,
you're a butt muncher.
Copy !req
1310. It's a key ingredient in gunpowder.
Copy !req
1311. K-NO-three, don't give no grief.
Copy !req
1312. It can be used to make corned beef.
Copy !req
1313. It's also known as saltpeter.
Copy !req
1314. - Brad?
- Shit.
Copy !req
1315. Where are you going?
Copy !req
1316. I don't want to look like
it's like I'm wearing makeup.
Copy !req
1317. - Right.
- Doug! Hi.
Copy !req
1318. Brad!
Copy !req
1319. Whoa. What are you wearing?
Copy !req
1320. Potassium nitrate. Thanks for noticing.
Copy !req
1321. I need to borrow you.
Copy !req
1322. Now's not a good time, Brad.
Copy !req
1323. It's a really good time.
Copy !req
1324. 'Cause my pifiata is killing me.
Copy !req
1325. Is that code for a sex thing?
Copy !req
1326. It's leaving the parking lot.
Copy !req
1327. Pifiata?
Copy !req
1328. Molly.
Copy !req
1329. I will be right back.
I need to help Brad with something, okay?
Copy !req
1330. I just need to help Brad
with something real quick.
Copy !req
1331. - What? No. What?
- I promise you...
Copy !req
1332. Do you understand how soon
the show is starting?
Copy !req
1333. I swear to you
I will be back in time for curtain.
Copy !req
1334. - I swear. I swear to you.
- Tell me you understand how soon...
Copy !req
1335. What? Are you kidding me?
Copy !req
1336. What did I say? What did I say?
Copy !req
1337. See? Whose wiretap is
working for him now, huh?
Copy !req
1338. Shit.
Copy !req
1339. Fuck!
Copy !req
1340. You told me not to worry about the tickets!
Copy !req
1341. I thought they made us look cool.
Copy !req
1342. - Cones, cones...
- Driver's ed car.
Copy !req
1343. - I'm driving.
- No, you're not.
Copy !req
1344. - I never get to drive. I'm driving this time.
- Fine! Drive!
Copy !req
1345. - Hey, guys.
- Just borrowing this for one sec.
Copy !req
1346. - Sure.
- Go. Go, go, go, go.
Copy !req
1347. Guys, hey, wait. Guys, you're not on the list.
Copy !req
1348. Hey, guys, wait! Who cares?
Copy !req
1349. - Holy fucking shit.
- No fucking way.
Copy !req
1350. Those are the guys from the park.
Copy !req
1351. That's just too crazy.
Copy !req
1352. What do you think's in that thing?
Copy !req
1353. I don't know, money, drugs.
Copy !req
1354. They could be a new buyer,
or they could be the supplier.
Copy !req
1355. If it's good, you'll hear from me.
Copy !req
1356. If it's not good, you'll hear from me
about telling you how it's not good.
Copy !req
1357. Makes sense.
Copy !req
1358. - Get the fuck out of here.
- Yeah, no worries, man.
Copy !req
1359. I'll see you guys.
Copy !req
1360. We definitely got to follow
them and find out, though.
Copy !req
1361. - Get down! Get down!
- Get down! Get down!
Copy !req
1362. - What are you doing?
- If they see us,
Copy !req
1363. just pretend like you're sucking my dick.
Copy !req
1364. - What? No!
- Yes. Stop.
Copy !req
1365. You pretend like you're sucking my dick.
Copy !req
1366. No, just pretend like you're sucking my dick.
Copy !req
1367. Why am I automatically blowing you?
Copy !req
1368. 'Cause you're in
a fucking Peter Pan costume!
Copy !req
1369. Okay.
Copy !req
1370. Okay, let's go. Let's go, let's go.
Copy !req
1371. - Go, go, go.
- Okay, fine, we'll follow them.
Copy !req
1372. But we need to be back in
30 minutes for curtain.
Copy !req
1373. Dude, did you just hit the teacher brake?
Copy !req
1374. Yeah, you're following too close, dude.
Copy !req
1375. - They're going to make us.
- Well, if I go too far back,
Copy !req
1376. it's going to look even
more suspicious, so just stop.
Copy !req
1377. God, just let me do my thing.
Copy !req
1378. I know what I'm doing.
Copy !req
1379. Seriously, if you do that again,
I'm going to Whac-A-Mole you in the balls.
Copy !req
1380. Just stay back.
Copy !req
1381. - I could not be more serious.
- Take your foot off the brake.
Copy !req
1382. - No. I'm not... No.
- Take your foot off the brake!
Copy !req
1383. Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
Copy !req
1384. - Look what you did!
- Look what you did!
Copy !req
1385. What the fuck?
You non-driving motherfuckers!
Copy !req
1386. Get the fuck out of the car!
Copy !req
1387. - Oh, fuck.
- Lock the door! Lock the door!
Copy !req
1388. What do I do? Go away!
Copy !req
1389. What are you, a fucking Keebler Elf?
Copy !req
1390. Get him out of that car!
Copy !req
1391. - No, no!
- It's fucking ZZ Top!
Copy !req
1392. - No, no! No, no, no!
- It's fucking ZZ Top!
Copy !req
1393. Like an angry walrus!
Copy !req
1394. - I stomp the car now!
- Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1395. - Stomp! Stomp!
- Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1396. - Okay. Okay.
- Oh, my God! Stop, dude! Go!
Copy !req
1397. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1398. - Just let me drive!
- Stop hitting me!
Copy !req
1399. Dude, watch out!
Copy !req
1400. Will you stop front-seat driving?
Get your hands off the wheel!
Copy !req
1401. Man, you just hit two people back there!
Copy !req
1402. - You stop. I'm not...
- Take your hands off. Shit!
Copy !req
1403. - We're stuck in traffic!
- Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1404. - Shit, they're coming! They're coming!
- What?
Copy !req
1405. Oh, my God, dude.
Copy !req
1406. What do we do?
Copy !req
1407. What the... What the...
Copy !req
1408. Oh, Shit. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1409. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1410. - Oh, shit.
- What's wrong with you? Run!
Copy !req
1411. I can't! I'm wearing tights!
Copy !req
1412. I got skinny jeans on!
It's the same fucking thing!
Copy !req
1413. They're going to make us, or kill us.
Copy !req
1414. - Porsche! Porsche!
- Police! Get out of the car, douche!
Copy !req
1415. I'm on a call here, jackass.
Copy !req
1416. That's right. Go to sleep, bitch.
You just got head-butted, motherfucker!
Copy !req
1417. - Go, go, go, go, go, go!
- Shit.
Copy !req
1418. Check around for a gun or something,
all right?
Copy !req
1419. Where? Where?
There's no glove compartment
Copy !req
1420. in this shitty-ass car!
There's golf balls and this.
Copy !req
1421. - What am I supposed to do with this?
- I don't know, man!
Copy !req
1422. I've never been in a freeway chase before!
Copy !req
1423. Watch out! It's going to explode!
It's going to go!
Copy !req
1424. - What happened?
- I don't know.
Copy !req
1425. - It just didn't explode.
- That's weird.
Copy !req
1426. Can anybody tell me where my Peter is?
Copy !req
1427. French! You're not my first choice,
but I need you to go on as Peter.
Copy !req
1428. Oh, gosh. And I've been in character
for months now.
Copy !req
1429. Great. Nobody cares.
Copy !req
1430. Come on! Another traffic jam?
Copy !req
1431. I'm sorry I didn't check the traffic report
Copy !req
1432. - before we got in a car chase!
- Let's go! Come on!
Copy !req
1433. - Come on. Let's go, let's go, let's go!
- Shit!
Copy !req
1434. - Are you texting?
- No, I'm not texting!
Copy !req
1435. - Yes, you are! You're texting!
- No, I'm not!
Copy !req
1436. Okay, almost done.
Copy !req
1437. IILOL. ll
Copy !req
1438. I'm driving!
Copy !req
1439. Why do you always jump
over the car like that?
Copy !req
1440. Hi. Hi. How are you?
Copy !req
1441. - Hi.
- God damn, you are beautiful.
Copy !req
1442. - Oh. Hi.
- You are fine as shit.
Copy !req
1443. Don't worry. Someone will pick you up.
Copy !req
1444. - Wow.
- Hurry. Just drive.
Copy !req
1445. Wait. Pick me up?
Copy !req
1446. - They're coming! They're coming!
- I got an idea.
Copy !req
1447. Why don't you text them
and ask them to stop chasing us?
Copy !req
1448. Oh, shit!
Copy !req
1449. He's got a gun!
Copy !req
1450. I'm going to throw this thing at him!
Copy !req
1451. Okay, you don't have to narrate everything!
Copy !req
1452. - Just throw it!
- Okay! Okay, okay!
Copy !req
1453. - It's going to explode!
- Oh, my God! Roll up the windows!
Copy !req
1454. - What the fuck is that going to do?
- Roll it up!
Copy !req
1455. - I don't fucking care! Just do it!
- Oh, God!
Copy !req
1456. I really thought that one
was going to explode.
Copy !req
1457. Oh, shit!
Copy !req
1458. Look in the glove compartment for a gun.
Copy !req
1459. What are you talking about?
We're in a pink Bug!
Copy !req
1460. I don't care.
Look in the goddamn glove compartment!
Copy !req
1461. What the hell?
Copy !req
1462. - Shoot.
- Oh, my God. Okay! Okay!
Copy !req
1463. Shoot the gun! Shoot the gun!
Copy !req
1464. Can't get a good shot, man!
I can't get a good shot!
Copy !req
1465. - Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
- Take the shot!
Copy !req
1466. Take the shot! Just shoot him! Let's go!
Copy !req
1467. Shit, shit, Shit, Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Copy !req
1468. - Shoot! Shoot!
- Shit, shit...
Copy !req
1469. That's what exploded? Holy shit.
That was crazy.
Copy !req
1470. Why did you shoot for me?
Copy !req
1471. You weren't shooting, you were choking,
Copy !req
1472. - so I had to save us.
- I was going to shoot.
Copy !req
1473. - You always do this, every single time.
- What?
Copy !req
1474. Seriously, just take me back to school, man.
Copy !req
1475. If I miss this play, Molly's going to freak out
and she's not going to go to prom with me.
Copy !req
1476. - Are you fucking serious right now?
- Fuck, yes, I'm serious!
Copy !req
1477. Can't believe you made me late.
You're so selfish.
Copy !req
1478. - I'm selfish?
- Yes, you're selfish!
Copy !req
1479. Are you fucking kidding me?
Copy !req
1480. Look at yourself!
Copy !req
1481. You're in too deep, man.
Copy !req
1482. Yesterday, I found
a college application on your desk!
Copy !req
1483. I don't know how long this case
is going to last.
Copy !req
1484. And Eric's going to get into Berkeley,
and, honestly, I can get in, too.
Copy !req
1485. Who knows? I could ride this thing out.
I could be a doctor or something.
Copy !req
1486. Have you lost your fucking mind?
Copy !req
1487. You screwed this investigation all up.
Copy !req
1488. At least I know my Miranda rights, you idiot.
Copy !req
1489. You are a very silly man indeed.
Copy !req
1490. Boys, squaws, come quickly.
Copy !req
1491. Hey! Sorry! It's okay. I'm here.
Copy !req
1492. I know I missed the first few scenes.
Copy !req
1493. I want to thank...
Give it up to French Samuels
Copy !req
1494. - for ably backing me up.
- Fuck you, Doug! What?
Copy !req
1495. I say we just roll right into this thing, huh?
Copy !req
1496. This is my twin. We're together in...
Copy !req
1497. Get the fuck out of here.
Copy !req
1498. What are you doing?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Copy !req
1499. What is this?
Copy !req
1500. I don't know, but it's already more exciting.
Copy !req
1501. You're embarrassing me.
Copy !req
1502. It's okay. I'll make it up to you.
Copy !req
1503. And... Let's fly!
Copy !req
1504. - Such bullshit!
- Get off of me!
Copy !req
1505. I'm not dumb! I'm smart!
Copy !req
1506. You think I'm stupid? You're stupid!
Copy !req
1507. - Go, Doug!
- I guess I should do something.
Copy !req
1508. I should probably not
just stand here watching.
Copy !req
1509. I should take action.
Copy !req
1510. Worst best friend ever!
Copy !req
1511. M°IIY, I'm sorry!
Copy !req
1512. I don't want to talk to you ever again.
Copy !req
1513. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1514. You stupid idiot!
Copy !req
1515. - Come here!
- Come on!
Copy !req
1516. Make fun of me behind my back
and everybody laughs at me?
Copy !req
1517. I was a loser for four years!
You couldn't handle it for five minutes!
Copy !req
1518. Have some fairy dust, motherfucker!
Copy !req
1519. Hey, guys, no!
Copy !req
1520. I heard you call me Rain Man, you asshole!
Copy !req
1521. Principal Dadier sucks dick!
Copy !req
1522. You're supposed to be my friend!
Copy !req
1523. Stop! Stop it. You're expelled.
Both of you are expelled.
Copy !req
1524. And that's the end of Act Two.
Copy !req
1525. Is that it? You're not going to scream at us?
Copy !req
1526. Nope.
Copy !req
1527. I'm gonna just fire you.
Copy !req
1528. Moving out?
Copy !req
1529. Yep.
Copy !req
1530. You know what's crazy to me
Copy !req
1531. is that I think that I actually
thought that we were brothers.
Copy !req
1532. I would've tooken a bullet for you.
Copy !req
1533. Get in now. Both of you.
Copy !req
1534. Why should I?
Copy !req
1535. Just get in the car, man.
Copy !req
1536. Get in the fucking car.
Copy !req
1537. Nope, not until you ask nicely.
Copy !req
1538. Please get in the car.
Copy !req
1539. Come on, you guys. Come on. Please. Jesus.
Copy !req
1540. Some messed up shit went down yesterday.
Copy !req
1541. Yeah, after we made the exchange,
Copy !req
1542. our potential business partners
got followed by some fucking cops.
Copy !req
1543. That's insane, man.
Copy !req
1544. Are you serious?
Copy !req
1545. Okay, it's just I don't want to go to jail!
Copy !req
1546. You know what happens to
a handsome guy like me in jail?
Copy !req
1547. It rhymes with "grape"!
Copy !req
1548. It rhymes with "grape."
Copy !req
1549. I can't let that happen.
Copy !req
1550. So I got these from my dad's gun cabinet.
Copy !req
1551. - Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric.
- Whoa. Come on. Whoa.
Copy !req
1552. Springfield.45s, police issue.
Very powerful guns.
Copy !req
1553. You ever use one?
Copy !req
1554. - We're not really gun people, man. No.
- No?
Copy !req
1555. A lot of things
have made me wonder about you.
Copy !req
1556. Come on.
Copy !req
1557. Your taste in music
Copy !req
1558. The fact that you look
like a fucking 40-year-old man.
Copy !req
1559. Then after that shit at the play, I realized
Copy !req
1560. there's no way you guys could be cops.
Copy !req
1561. Yeah, I got this deal going down.
The supplier's going to be there.
Copy !req
1562. I need people I can trust.
Copy !req
1563. All right. All right, come on.
Copy !req
1564. Okay, right over here,
we're going to shoot these bottles.
Copy !req
1565. - We're going to practice, okay?
- Okay.
Copy !req
1566. That was... That was actually
really fuckin' awesome.
Copy !req
1567. Beginner's luck.
Copy !req
1568. All right.
Copy !req
1569. The supplier wants the deal
to go down at prom.
Copy !req
1570. All right, there's going to be
all these heavies there,
Copy !req
1571. but as long as you guys have my back...
Copy !req
1572. Yeah? Yeah? Shit.
Copy !req
1573. I always got your back.
Copy !req
1574. Time to get our jobs back.
Copy !req
1575. Let's get ready for prom.
Copy !req
1576. Schmidty! Chore time!
Copy !req
1577. Mom, we don't have time
for chores right now!
Copy !req
1578. If you stay in this house,
you have time for chores!
Copy !req
1579. Mom!
Copy !req
1580. Fuck this thing.
Copy !req
1581. Here.
Copy !req
1582. It'll be quicker if I help.
Copy !req
1583. There you go.
Copy !req
1584. Thanks.
Copy !req
1585. Your shotgun's hanging too low.
Copy !req
1586. They're gonna see it.
Copy !req
1587. Thanks.
Copy !req
1588. Jenko...
Copy !req
1589. Will you go to prom with me?
Copy !req
1590. I guess.
Copy !req
1591. Are we really going to take down
a whole drug operation by ourselves?
Copy !req
1592. I got some contacts that'll help us.
Copy !req
1593. Brad, what are you doing here?
You can't be here.
Copy !req
1594. What if the principal sees you?
Copy !req
1595. - This is wrong, yet so right.
- What?
Copy !req
1596. I am so happy you're willing
to get in trouble for me.
Copy !req
1597. You have to go. Please, don't leave me ever.
Copy !req
1598. Ms. Griggs, stop. Stop.
Copy !req
1599. - Stay! Stay.
- Stop.
Copy !req
1600. - What?
- Stay.
Copy !req
1601. - Go!
"Okay
Copy !req
1602. - Stay.
- Stop. Stop-
Copy !req
1603. - I'm lost without you.
- What?
Copy !req
1604. Get out of me. I'm going to throw up.
Copy !req
1605. You are so hot!
Copy !req
1606. All right.
Copy !req
1607. Hey, pumpkin head.
Copy !req
1608. I'm very mad at you. Dance with me.
Copy !req
1609. - Are you on that shit?
- So what if I am?
Copy !req
1610. Look, Molly, some serious stuff
is about to go down,
Copy !req
1611. and I don't want you to get hurt.
Copy !req
1612. I've already been hurt, Doug. I don't care.
Copy !req
1613. You need to leave. You need to leave.
You need to get out of here right now.
Copy !req
1614. Making a lot of hand gestures!
Copy !req
1615. Okay, my name's not Doug.
Copy !req
1616. - It's Schmidt.
- What?
Copy !req
1617. - And I'm a cop.
- What?
Copy !req
1618. Okay, and I care about you,
and I don't want you to get busted,
Copy !req
1619. so you have to leave right now.
Copy !req
1620. Leave the prom right now, Molly.
Copy !req
1621. - I'm serious.
- Hey. Hey.
Copy !req
1622. Penthouse now. Supplier's waiting.
Copy !req
1623. - What are you?
- Come on. Hey, come on.
Copy !req
1624. - Supplier's waiting.
- Is that Eric?
Copy !req
1625. - Molly, leave right now.
- What are you...
Copy !req
1626. - Just leave right now!
- What is this?
Copy !req
1627. Mr. Walters?
Copy !req
1628. Hey!
Copy !req
1629. Beautiful Brad, and his brother.
Copy !req
1630. Wow. You look great.
Copy !req
1631. You're the supplier? You're a teacher.
Copy !req
1632. And I was stuck on a teacher's salary, bro.
Copy !req
1633. Could barely pay my alimony.
What are you gonna do?
Copy !req
1634. Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
1635. You boys are so good at this.
Copy !req
1636. Oh, yeah, Cinnamon!
Copy !req
1637. Oh, my God,
we're getting such good evidence.
Copy !req
1638. I stole some of that Bunsen burner crap
Copy !req
1639. from the chem lab,
threw in some of my Cool Deets,
Copy !req
1640. and it was muy deliciosol
Copy !req
1641. Then one day I catch
Eco Butt-munch over here
Copy !req
1642. smoking a J.J. behind the field house,
Copy !req
1643. and I'm like,
"Hey, you want to make some coin?"
Copy !req
1644. What a green penis that guy is, huh?
Copy !req
1645. There's my quesadilla.
Copy !req
1646. I hurt my hands!
Copy !req
1647. Bitch.
Copy !req
1648. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1649. You guys look crazy scary.
Copy !req
1650. How many of you are there?
Copy !req
1651. A lot.
Copy !req
1652. Karl.
Copy !req
1653. Patch looks pimp, man.
Copy !req
1654. Thank you.
Copy !req
1655. He's gonna recognize us, man.
Copy !req
1656. I'm freaking out.
Copy !req
1657. This is Walters, he made the stuff.
Copy !req
1658. - Real pleasure to meet you.
- Fuck what his name is.
Copy !req
1659. Your shit's good.
Copy !req
1660. Thank you.
That means a lot coming from you.
Copy !req
1661. What, you having a party now?
Copy !req
1662. Who are these two motherfuckers?
Copy !req
1663. Fuck!
Copy !req
1664. - Hey.
- Hey. How's it going?
Copy !req
1665. Nah, nah, it's cool, man,
they're my boys, so...
Copy !req
1666. - Are they?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1667. I don't like strangers.
Copy !req
1668. How do you ever expect
to make any new friends with that attitude?
Copy !req
1669. It's, like, everyone's a stranger
till you give them a chance, man.
Copy !req
1670. What the fuck are you talking about?
Copy !req
1671. I don't even...
Copy !req
1672. Just fuckin' around.
Copy !req
1673. Do your thing, man. Proceed
Copy !req
1674. Hey, kid, come here.
Copy !req
1675. You, you look familiar.
Copy !req
1676. - Me?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1677. I was in a French fry commercial
when I was a kid,
Copy !req
1678. so people are like, you know, often say,
"Oh, I think I know you,"
Copy !req
1679. but I don't think we've ever met before.
Copy !req
1680. Do I look like I eat French fries?
Copy !req
1681. I don't know, you look like
you're in great shape,
Copy !req
1682. but maybe you have, like, one cheat day,
like a carb blowout, you know'? I don't know.
Copy !req
1683. Nah.
Copy !req
1684. Yeah, the theme song was, like...
Copy !req
1685. Come to Andrew's French Fry Emporium
Copy !req
1686. Where friendship and French fries
Copy !req
1687. Go hand in hand
Copy !req
1688. That's my quesadilla!
Copy !req
1689. Who wants a piece? Huh?
Copy !req
1690. I know you're in there, Doug,
or whatever your name is!
Copy !req
1691. You lied to me!
Copy !req
1692. I'm gonna kill you, you stupid fucking cop!
Copy !req
1693. Hey, you guys, shejust called me
a stupid fucking cock. That's rude.
Copy !req
1694. Dickhead narc motherfucker!
Copy !req
1695. Did shejust say
"nickhead dark motherfucker"?
Copy !req
1696. That's just racist.
Copy !req
1697. I know these two.
Copy !req
1698. Your boys are cops! They're cops!
Copy !req
1699. Police! Get on the ground!
Copy !req
1700. You get on the fuckin' ground!
Copy !req
1701. - We asked you first!
- I don't give a damn!
Copy !req
1702. You're fucking cops?
Copy !req
1703. But we partied together, man.
Copy !req
1704. You bought us Taco Bell.
Copy !req
1705. Eric, honestly, that was a sincere gesture.
Copy !req
1706. You made me this friendship bracelet.
Copy !req
1707. Well, he's not really your friend.
He was pretending the whole time.
Copy !req
1708. I'm gonna cut this the fuck off later, all right?
Copy !req
1709. What the fuck is going on?
Copy !req
1710. Shut this kid up!
Copy !req
1711. - Him, too.
- No, no! Hey, wait!
Copy !req
1712. No, no, no. Listen, I'm with you guys!
Copy !req
1713. I didn't know these guys were cops!
Copy !req
1714. I'm getting out of here.
Copy !req
1715. I fucking hate you!
Copy !req
1716. Get that out of my face!
Copy !req
1717. - Molly!
- Oh, there you are!
Copy !req
1718. What the fuck!
Copy !req
1719. Drop your guns, or I'll spray her brains
all over the room!
Copy !req
1720. Trying to take a hostage,
some goddamn TV show shit?
Copy !req
1721. I don't know! I'm trying to help, all right?
I've never done this shit before.
Copy !req
1722. Well, you're fucking up.
Copy !req
1723. - Drop the guns or she's dead!
- She looks dead already.
Copy !req
1724. What? No.
Copy !req
1725. Jesus.
Copy !req
1726. Yeah, I can hear her breathing.
Copy !req
1727. She just passed out from the drugs.
We're good.
Copy !req
1728. Drop the guns or...
Copy !req
1729. All right, all right, just chill out.
Copy !req
1730. We're gonna drop our guns.
Copy !req
1731. You got to let the kids go,
and no one's gonna die, okay?
Copy !req
1732. Just drop the guns, and kick them over here.
Copy !req
1733. D.B., shoot these motherfuckers.
Copy !req
1734. Oh, come on, that's unfair!
We put our guns down in good faith.
Copy !req
1735. You're a liar, and you're mean!
Copy !req
1736. - That's unfair.
- We're all friends here.
Copy !req
1737. Let's just relax, and we can
all leave here as friends.
Copy !req
1738. - Yeah, let's do that.
- Y'all boys are stupid.
Copy !req
1739. Oh, my God, we're gonna die.
We're gonna die.
Copy !req
1740. God damn it!
Copy !req
1741. Tom Hanson, DEA! On your knees!
Copy !req
1742. What the fuck?
Copy !req
1743. - Now!
- Fuck!
Copy !req
1744. Doug Penhall, DEA! You're under arrest!
Copy !req
1745. Guns down, all of you! Domingo, tell them!
Copy !req
1746. Put them down.
Copy !req
1747. Nice! Yes!
Copy !req
1748. Shut the fuck up!
Copy !req
1749. You little dweebs just ruined
a five-year investigation.
Copy !req
1750. We had no idea.
Copy !req
1751. You're, like, an amazing actor, man.
Copy !req
1752. You played saxophone
at my sister's wedding, man!
Copy !req
1753. Tough titty. I fucked her, too.
Copy !req
1754. What?
Copy !req
1755. You little turds.
Copy !req
1756. Do you have any idea how difficult it is
to infiltrate a gang like this?
Copy !req
1757. Do you see this nose?
Copy !req
1758. That is a fake nose.
Copy !req
1759. Do you want to wear a fake nose
on your fuckin' head
Copy !req
1760. for, like, months on end'? Glue and shit?
Copy !req
1761. Worse things in the world.
Copy !req
1762. We had to get fuckin' tattoos
on our dicks, man.
Copy !req
1763. Hey, actually, I just said that
Copy !req
1764. - to mess with you.
- What?
Copy !req
1765. Looks tough.
Copy !req
1766. Look, we know what
it's like being undercover.
Copy !req
1767. Metro Police, Jump Street Division.
Copy !req
1768. Come on, you guys are Jump Street?
Copy !req
1769. - Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1770. That's funny, because
we were actually Jump Street.
Copy !req
1771. - What?
- Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
1772. Oh, shit!
Copy !req
1773. - Oh, my God!
- Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1774. Oh, my God, dude!
Copy !req
1775. Get them!
Copy !req
1776. Motherfucker!
Copy !req
1777. Shoot them!
Copy !req
1778. Fuck that.
Copy !req
1779. That was a gun.
Copy !req
1780. Somebody definitely got shot.
Copy !req
1781. All right.
Copy !req
1782. Here, take the money, all right?
We're getting out of here.
Copy !req
1783. Did I hit anything?
Copy !req
1784. You were shooting at the fuckin' ceiling.
Copy !req
1785. Doug.
Copy !req
1786. I know sometimes I was a jerk to you
Copy !req
1787. when we were undercover.
Copy !req
1788. It's just... I didn't feel good about myself.
Copy !req
1789. All that stuff I wore, like the bracelets,
the rings, the tight pants,
Copy !req
1790. was just so
Copy !req
1791. that people would think I'm cool.
Copy !req
1792. The only approval
Copy !req
1793. that I ever needed
Copy !req
1794. was my best friend.
Copy !req
1795. Thanks, man.
Copy !req
1796. The money's gone!
Copy !req
1797. Come on, let's roll.
Copy !req
1798. We gotta get out of here, man.
Copy !req
1799. Are you telling me it's on?
Copy !req
1800. - Let's do this.
- Let's make a baby.
Copy !req
1801. - What? What are you talking about?
- I don't know.
Copy !req
1802. I was trying to sound cool. Sorry.
Copy !req
1803. That was crazy! You killed a guy!
Copy !req
1804. Oh, fuckin' shit!
Copy !req
1805. Hey, hey, we'll lose them in the prom! Go!
Copy !req
1806. Go, go: go'
Copy !req
1807. Where'd they go?
Copy !req
1808. Molly!
Copy !req
1809. Shit!
Copy !req
1810. - You want to drive?
- Yeah, I do, actually
Copy !req
1811. Okay, cool.
Copy !req
1812. - Nice!
- Did it look cool when I did it?
Copy !req
1813. - That's what I'm talking about!
- Yeah!
Copy !req
1814. How you guys doing back there, huh?
Copy !req
1815. God, I love high school!
Copy !req
1816. Best prom night ever!
Copy !req
1817. - Shoot them!
- Stay on them!
Copy !req
1818. I'm on them! I'm on them!
Copy !req
1819. Oh, good, you guys,
come hang out with me back here.
Copy !req
1820. - Oh, fuck, dude. Lisa, what are you doing?
- Did she pass out back there?
Copy !req
1821. Hey, you got a gun.
Why don't you shoot back there?
Copy !req
1822. Shoot that gun, shoot that gun!
Copy !req
1823. All right, one second!
Copy !req
1824. Just shoot someone, you bitch!
Copy !req
1825. Peek-a-boo!
Copy !req
1826. Give me my money!
Copy !req
1827. Fuck that! Fuck that! No! No!
Copy !req
1828. I can't do this!
I'm supposed to go to Berkeley!
Copy !req
1829. I'm gonna get the party started!
Copy !req
1830. - I'm gonna get the party started!
- No! No! Lisa, no!
Copy !req
1831. Hey, I'm living my dream
of standing in a limo!
Copy !req
1832. What?
Copy !req
1833. - You're killing my dream!
- Come in.
Copy !req
1834. - What? I'm trying to party.
- Down!
Copy !req
1835. Bitch!
Copy !req
1836. What? Fuck!
Copy !req
1837. I'll kill you!
Copy !req
1838. Kill you!
Copy !req
1839. - No! No!
- Stay where you are.
Copy !req
1840. Go! Go, go!
Copy !req
1841. No! Stop!
Copy !req
1842. I'm not fucking kidding!
Look, I'm trying to shoot people!
Copy !req
1843. Will you stop! Just for two seconds!
Copy !req
1844. You're really hot and you're really slutty
and it's awesome,
Copy !req
1845. but I got to shoot people right now!
Copy !req
1846. You think I'm hot?
Copy !req
1847. Iwanna... Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1848. Wait, guys! Call me!
Copy !req
1849. Let me know where you're ending up later.
Copy !req
1850. I'm almost out of ammo.
Copy !req
1851. We're fucked.
Copy !req
1852. Give me my money!
Copy !req
1853. I got an idea.
Copy !req
1854. - You still got those shotgun shells?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1855. Pop Quiznos.
Copy !req
1856. What do you get when lithium batteries
react to potassium nitrate?
Copy !req
1857. That would be a covalent bond, brother.
Copy !req
1858. That's when two atoms, they share electrons.
Copy !req
1859. You see, they both need
what the other one has.
Copy !req
1860. That makes them stick together.
Copy !req
1861. Are you saying we're covalent bonds?
Copy !req
1862. What? No.
Copy !req
1863. We're not atoms, dude.
Copy !req
1864. - What's this?
- Tequila?
Copy !req
1865. I don't know, it was supposed to explode.
Copy !req
1866. Oh, shit!
Copy !req
1867. Where'd you learn how to do that, man?
Copy !req
1868. App chemistry, bitch.
Copy !req
1869. Come on, blondie.
Copy !req
1870. Molly!
Copy !req
1871. Drop your weapon!
Copy !req
1872. Don't you fuckin' pull that arm up.
Copy !req
1873. Don't.
Copy !req
1874. Looks like you're out of ammo, asshole!
Copy !req
1875. Come on! Get out here!
Copy !req
1876. - What? What's going on?
- All right.
Copy !req
1877. All right, here's the deal.
Nobody moves, or she's gonna get hurt.
Copy !req
1878. Do you understand? Nobody move!
Copy !req
1879. - All right.
- Eric, help me.
Copy !req
1880. Don't you have a gun?
Copy !req
1881. All right, don't move!
Copy !req
1882. - Come on, let's go. Let's go.
- No!
Copy !req
1883. - Hey! Hey, hey!
- Hey, no, no, I said don't move!
Copy !req
1884. - Oh, fuck, you shot him!
- Oh, God!
Copy !req
1885. Are you okay?
Copy !req
1886. You shot my partner, you motherfucker!
Copy !req
1887. I didn't mean to shoot you!
I meant to shoot him!
Copy !req
1888. Are you alive, buddy? You okay?
You took a bullet for me, man.
Copy !req
1889. Yeah, I'm feeling a little ambivalent
about that right now.
Copy !req
1890. Didn't you hear me? I said don't move!
I said that! You heard, right?
Copy !req
1891. Eric, you heard me!
Copy !req
1892. - I said don't move!
- Eric, help me!
Copy !req
1893. - You got this.
- Hey, hold still.
Copy !req
1894. Freeze!
Copy !req
1895. Shoot!
Copy !req
1896. Come on.
Copy !req
1897. You peaked in high school, motherfucker.
Copy !req
1898. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1899. I shot him in the dick.
Copy !req
1900. You shot me in the dick!
Copy !req
1901. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1902. Yes!
Copy !req
1903. Yes! Yes!
Copy !req
1904. Yes!
Copy !req
1905. You are under arrest!
Copy !req
1906. - It definitely came out my asshole!
- You have the right to remain silent!
Copy !req
1907. Anything you say can
and will be used against you
Copy !req
1908. in a court of law!
Copy !req
1909. You have the right to an attorney!
Copy !req
1910. If you cannot afford an attorney,
one will be appointed for you!
Copy !req
1911. Do you understand these rights
as they have been read to you?
Copy !req
1912. Fuck you! Bitch!
Copy !req
1913. Yes! Yes!
Copy !req
1914. We did it, man!
Copy !req
1915. We did it.
Copy !req
1916. God, I feel so good.
Copy !req
1917. We did it, man!
Copy !req
1918. You're a goddamn rock star.
Copy !req
1919. Do you feel that?
Copy !req
1920. God damn, you're so cool.
Copy !req
1921. You just shot him in the dick.
Copy !req
1922. I've never seen that. Who does that?
Copy !req
1923. Look, I'm sorry I called you Rain Man.
Copy !req
1924. I know I didn't say you were,
but you're smart.
Copy !req
1925. You're a smart guy, and you're thoughtful,
Copy !req
1926. and you're sincere and you're sweet
and you're loyal...
Copy !req
1927. And I fuckin' cherish you.
Copy !req
1928. Should we high-five?
Copy !req
1929. My hand!
Copy !req
1930. Are you all right?
Should we get you to the hospital, man?
Copy !req
1931. - Yeah, I think we need to call somebody.
- Hey, call somebody!
Copy !req
1932. I got to get my dick sewn back on.
Copy !req
1933. - You shut the fuck up.
- Hey, you shut up.
Copy !req
1934. - That's not funny.
- Is that it?
Copy !req
1935. What?
Copy !req
1936. That's my dick!
Copy !req
1937. Pick up my dick! Please!
Copy !req
1938. No, we're not picking up your dick.
Copy !req
1939. Fuckin' pick my dick up!
Copy !req
1940. Oh, fuck!
Copy !req
1941. He's my friend.
Copy !req
1942. They don't serve vegan in jail, bitch.
Copy !req
1943. Hey.
Copy !req
1944. Molly...
Copy !req
1945. I'm really sorry.
Copy !req
1946. I know you wanted a guy to trust,
and I wanted to be that person so badly.
Copy !req
1947. And I let you down in a lot of ways.
Copy !req
1948. And...
Copy !req
1949. It's good that you're mad at me.
Copy !req
1950. I think it's good.
I think you should be mad at more guys,
Copy !req
1951. because you deserve a guy who's good
and who doesn't lie to you.
Copy !req
1952. And you should never settle
for less than that.
Copy !req
1953. There are good guys out there
Copy !req
1954. who aren't assholes like me.
Copy !req
1955. Thanks for saving my life,
Copy !req
1956. asshole.
Copy !req
1957. Put her there, partner.
Copy !req
1958. I'll come back later.
Copy !req
1959. We're, like, in the end of Die Hard right now,
but it's our actual life.
Copy !req
1960. It's crazy.
Copy !req
1961. - Number one or two?
- Three.
Copy !req
1962. - Sam Jackson one. Yeah!
- Sam Jackson style.
Copy !req
1963. Boom, motherfuckers!
What's going on'? Come on!
Copy !req
1964. Where is he? There's my guy!
Copy !req
1965. There he is! That's him. That's him.
Copy !req
1966. - Enough.
- Too long on the hug.
Copy !req
1967. Congratulations, you crazy,
sick, vigilante motherfuckers.
Copy !req
1968. You got your first arrest, huh?
Copy !req
1969. - Look. Got something made for you.
- You didn't!
Copy !req
1970. - Come on. All right, all right.
- Enough. Enough.
Copy !req
1971. New assignment.
Copy !req
1972. Since you two cowboys love to drink booze,
Copy !req
1973. smoke weed with kids, and fuck
anything with a big ass in jeans
Copy !req
1974. with low self-esteem,
Copy !req
1975. I'm gonna send you to a place
where all that shit is allowed.
Copy !req
1976. Oh, I love Disneyland!
Copy !req
1977. You two sons of bitches
are going to college!
Copy !req
1978. "Yes!
- No!
Copy !req
1979. Thank you for using the subs
regards, shock...
Copy !req
1980. Boo-yah!
Copy !req
1981. Oh, my God!
You're like two Hardy Boys in one!
Copy !req
1982. Oh, fuck!
Copy !req
1983. Hey, why are you here, Scott?
Copy !req
1984. What, Kennedy High
isn't having any parties tonight?
Copy !req