1. Hey, Melodie.Copy !req
2. - Hey.
- Look, I knowCopy !req
3. we've known each other
for a really long time.Copy !req
4. And we live across the street
from each other and stuff.Copy !req
5. And...Copy !req
6. I know, like, in four days,Copy !req
7. I'm sure, if...Copy !req
8. - You know, prom's, like, in four days...
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
9. You're not asking me to prom, are you?Copy !req
10. Fuck, no.Copy !req
11. No, I... No, I just...Copy !req
12. - You're probably going with someone.
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
13. I don't know how to put this nicely.Copy !req
14. There's not a nice way to put it.Copy !req
15. You're a fucking nerd.Copy !req
16. And, you know... I don't know. She's hot.Copy !req
17. Look at her. Look at her.Copy !req
18. - Look at her. Look at her. Look at her.
- I'll see you later.Copy !req
19. - Bye.
- All right, buddy, good talk.Copy !req
20. Dude, classic.Copy !req
21. Greg Jenko to the principal's office.
Greg Jenko to the principal's office.Copy !req
22. - Shit.
- Good luck, bro.Copy !req
23. I said loud and clear,Copy !req
24. if you didn't get your grades up,
you weren't going to the prom.Copy !req
25. You, my friend, are about to pay the piper.Copy !req
26. I should pay who?Copy !req
27. You're not going to the prom.Copy !req
28. Boy, you lucky you even graduating.Copy !req
29. But I'm going to be prom king.Copy !req
30. I'm glad you had a great time in school.Copy !req
31. 'Cause you ain't learned nothing.Copy !req
32. Fuck! Fuck!Copy !req
33. Welcome to the Police Academy.Copy !req
34. Make sure your form is completely filled out,
then move along.Copy !req
35. Not-so-slim Shady, what's up? Holy shit!Copy !req
36. Jenko, Schmidt, you're up.Copy !req
37. Oh, fuck!Copy !req
38. - You're good at this, huh?
- Yeah, I am.Copy !req
39. Thank you.Copy !req
40. Such bullshit.Copy !req
41. You're really good at this.Copy !req
42. Yeah, I am.Copy !req
43. Hey, you want to be friends?Copy !req
44. Come on. Come on, let's go.Copy !req
45. Come on, pick your knees up.
Pick your knees up.Copy !req
46. I'm telling you right now, it's not a felony.Copy !req
47. Chill, all right?
Look, if it has intent, it's a felony.Copy !req
48. What did I tell you?
Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go!Copy !req
49. Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.Copy !req
50. Faster. Let's go.Copy !req
51. Clear!Copy !req
52. Come on, come on, come on! Stop.Copy !req
53. Yes! Yes!Copy !req
54. Let me see. Let me see.Copy !req
55. Nice.Copy !req
56. Ten-hut! Ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
57. I present to you the graduates of Class 137.Copy !req
58. Get ready for a lifetime
of being badass motherfuckers.Copy !req
59. I am.Copy !req
60. I really thought this job would have
more car chases and explosions,Copy !req
61. and less homeless people
doo-dooing everywhere.Copy !req
62. Do you guys really think
this is a police matter?Copy !req
63. To get your Frisbee back?Copy !req
64. Get your own fucking Frisbee.Copy !req
65. Shit.Copy !req
66. Shit! Shit!Copy !req
67. Yours isn't loaded, right?Copy !req
68. We're supposed to unload them first, right?Copy !req
69. What, you... No.Copy !req
70. That's no fun. Come on.Copy !req
71. Sign says, "Do not feed the ducks."Copy !req
72. It's right there.Copy !req
73. - Don't you... Don't...
- Don't. Stop it.Copy !req
74. Don't. You did it. You fed the ducks.Copy !req
75. You feel like a big shot?Copy !req
76. No fucking way.Copy !req
77. One Percenters?Copy !req
78. These guys are, like, big-time drug dealers.Copy !req
79. If we could take them down as our first bust,
we'd be off park duty for sure.Copy !req
80. You see what I see?Copy !req
81. Cannabis sativa.Copy !req
82. Chaka Khan.Copy !req
83. Chaka Khan?Copy !req
84. Gentlemen. We having a little party?Copy !req
85. Have we forgotten
that the use of marijuana is illegal?Copy !req
86. I have glaucoma.Copy !req
87. I get nervous in crowds.Copy !req
88. Herpes.Copy !req
89. Then you won't mind
if I search your bike, now, would you?Copy !req
90. Go ahead. You won't find shit.Copy !req
91. - Get up.
- Cálmate, gringo.Copy !req
92. Man, you guys even real cops?
You look like the kids on Halloween.Copy !req
93. If those boys is cops, I'm DEA.Copy !req
94. I know, right? I know.Copy !req
95. It's hilarious.Copy !req
96. So why don't you show us a little respect?Copy !req
97. - Fuck you, pig.
- Hey.Copy !req
98. You want me to beat your dick off?Copy !req
99. You want to beat my dick off?Copy !req
100. I'll beat your dick off with both hands.
What's up? Let's go.Copy !req
101. - That's weird, man.
- I think what he was trying to say was,Copy !req
102. he's going to punch you so many times
around the genital areaCopy !req
103. that your dick's just going to fall off.Copy !req
104. Why do you have salt in your...Copy !req
105. - That's actual drugs.
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
106. Get on the ground! Hey!Copy !req
107. - Come here now!
- What do I do?Copy !req
108. - Chase someone!
- Chase someone?Copy !req
109. Are you leaving your bike here?Copy !req
110. Okay. All right.Copy !req
111. Don't run from me!
You're making it worse for yourself!Copy !req
112. No! Get out of the way!Copy !req
113. Stop!Copy !req
114. I'm going to shoot you
if you don't slow down, man! Come on!Copy !req
115. Hey! Come here!Copy !req
116. I'm not playing anymore! I'm so not kidding!Copy !req
117. I got him. I got him.Copy !req
118. Freeze! Freeze!Copy !req
119. Hands up or I shoot you! Freeze!Copy !req
120. That's it! Come here!Copy !req
121. Freeze! Stop it!Copy !req
122. You're a pussy!Copy !req
123. You got the right to... Give me that!
You got the right to...Copy !req
124. to suck my dick, motherfucker!Copy !req
125. My elbow.Copy !req
126. - You got nothing.
- How's my dick feel in your ass, huh?Copy !req
127. - Hey! Hey!
- How's it feel? How's it feel now?Copy !req
128. That's right. Schmidt! Schmidt, we got one!Copy !req
129. We got one! I got him!Copy !req
130. Yes! Yes!Copy !req
131. - Yeah!
- We got an arrest!Copy !req
132. - Yeah! We got him!
- Yes!Copy !req
133. - Yeah! Fuck you! Yeah!
- Fuck you! Yeah!Copy !req
134. What's up?Copy !req
135. Drop my nuts
on your motherfucking forehead!Copy !req
136. - That's right.
- Fuck you, park!Copy !req
137. - We arrest people now!
- What up, park?Copy !req
138. - What's up? What's up?
- What up, park? Who wants one?Copy !req
139. Congratulations on the bust, boys.
It sounds great.Copy !req
140. - Thank you, Cinnamon.
- Are those new?Copy !req
141. The department was forced
to drop the chargesCopy !req
142. because you forgot to read him
his Miranda rights.Copy !req
143. What possible reason is there
for not doing the only thingCopy !req
144. you have to do when arresting someone?Copy !req
145. I did read him his right...
I did a version of that.Copy !req
146. - Do you even know the Miranda rights?
- Yes.Copy !req
147. Let's hear them, then.Copy !req
148. You got a lot of stuff to do.Copy !req
149. No, go ahead.
You going anywhere, Schmidt?Copy !req
150. We got time.Copy !req
151. I had a thing, but I can probably push it back.Copy !req
152. Go ahead. It's four declamatory sentences,
followed by a question,Copy !req
153. for a total of 57 words.Copy !req
154. Okay. Look, it obviously starts with,
"You have the right to remain silent."Copy !req
155. I know you've heard this before. And then,Copy !req
156. I think it sounds something like...Copy !req
157. - "You have the right to an attorney."
- Well, the thing... Yeah, right.Copy !req
158. "You have the right to remain an attorney."Copy !req
159. Did you say
that you have the right to be an attorney?Copy !req
160. You do have the right to be an attorney,
if you want to.Copy !req
161. Where were you?Copy !req
162. I was chasing my perp, sir.Copy !req
163. And how did that go for you?Copy !req
164. Honestly, he did get away,Copy !req
165. and he threw me down pretty hard.Copy !req
166. Actually fucked up my elbow pretty bad.Copy !req
167. Can I see that?Copy !req
168. Yeah, actually, it hurts
'cause the dirt gets mushed into it.Copy !req
169. Wow.Copy !req
170. Fortunately for you two,Copy !req
171. we're reviving a canceled
undercover police program from the '80sCopy !req
172. and revamping it for modern times.Copy !req
173. You see, the guys in charge of this stuffCopy !req
174. lack creativity
and are completely out of ideas,Copy !req
175. so all they do now
is recycle shit from the pastCopy !req
176. and expect us all not to notice.Copy !req
177. One of these programs
involves the use of young,Copy !req
178. immature-seeming officers.Copy !req
179. Sir, are you saying
that you're going to send us into, like,Copy !req
180. a child sex slavery ring or something?Copy !req
181. Sir, if I have to suck somebody's dick, I will.Copy !req
182. It's just... I'd prefer not to.Copy !req
183. I think you idiots are perfect.Copy !req
184. You're officially transferred.Copy !req
185. - All right. Yeah.
- That's great.Copy !req
186. Where should we report to?Copy !req
187. Down on Jump Street.Copy !req
188. 37 Jump Street.Copy !req
189. No, that doesn't sound right.Copy !req
190. Is it...Copy !req
191. This has got to be a joke.Copy !req
192. This is it.Copy !req
193. Aroma of Christ Church?Copy !req
194. How's it going?Copy !req
195. This place is weird.Copy !req
196. Everybody comfortable?Copy !req
197. Yeah.Copy !req
198. Get your motherfucking ass up
when I'm talking!Copy !req
199. You will be going undercover
as high school students.Copy !req
200. You are here simply because you look young.Copy !req
201. You some Justin Beaver,Copy !req
202. Miley Cyrus-looking motherfuckers.Copy !req
203. Captain Sassy.Copy !req
204. I know what you're thinking,Copy !req
205. "Angry Black Captain."Copy !req
206. It ain't nothing but a stupid stereotype.Copy !req
207. Well, guess what, motherfuckers.Copy !req
208. I'm black.Copy !req
209. And I worked my ass off to be the captain!Copy !req
210. And sometimes I get angry.Copy !req
211. So suck a dick!Copy !req
212. What I'm trying to show you is,Copy !req
213. embrace your stereotypes.Copy !req
214. Like this guy right here. Handsome.Copy !req
215. And he's probably a dummy.Copy !req
216. And then this guy.Copy !req
217. He's short and insecure.Copy !req
218. And he's probably good with money.Copy !req
219. - You are good with money.
- What the fuck?Copy !req
220. Didn't somebody tell you guys
this was an undercover unit?Copy !req
221. I don't... I actually didn't...Copy !req
222. I didn't get a letter or anything.Copy !req
223. - Yeah, like, a start time...
- With a dress code or anything like that.Copy !req
224. Teenage the fuck up!Copy !req
225. Rule number one at Jump Street. Fugazy.Copy !req
226. Do not get expelled.Copy !req
227. Nobody in the system knows you're here.
All right? Nobody.Copy !req
228. You get kicked out of school,Copy !req
229. your monkey ass is getting kicked out
of Jump Street.Copy !req
230. Rule number two. Burns.Copy !req
231. Do not have sexual relations
with students or teachers, sir.Copy !req
232. You hear that? That's you.Copy !req
233. - Don't do it, man.
- Why...Copy !req
234. - Keep that dirty dick in your pants.
- Dirty?Copy !req
235. Don't fuck no students.Copy !req
236. Don't fuck no teachers.Copy !req
237. Sir, I know we come off
as a couple of lady-killers,Copy !req
238. but I promise you
we will be super professional on the job.Copy !req
239. Clearly, I wasn't talking to you, Big Titties.Copy !req
240. You cherub-looking motherfucker.Copy !req
241. I was talking to your partner over here.Copy !req
242. Fake-ass Handsome McGee.Copy !req
243. When I'm talking to him, I'm talking to him.Copy !req
244. When I say, "Shut the fuck up,"Copy !req
245. - I'm talking to you.
- Cool.Copy !req
246. Now, you two sons of bitches,
in my office now.Copy !req
247. Right now!Copy !req
248. Hi. I am Billiam Willingham.Copy !req
249. So I bought these,Copy !req
250. which is all anybody seems
to be talking about right now.Copy !req
251. Cheers.Copy !req
252. It's a new synthetic drug.Copy !req
253. Goes by the street name H.F.S.Copy !req
254. Holy fucking shit.Copy !req
255. Holy...Copy !req
256. They put this on the Internet
for everybody to see?Copy !req
257. They're teenagers, man.
They're really stupid.Copy !req
258. So you should blend right in.Copy !req
259. Jessica, will you go to prom with me?
But I already know the answer. It's yes.Copy !req
260. I could watch this kid all day.Copy !req
261. Man, this kid rules.Copy !req
262. Ruled.Copy !req
263. His parents found him OD'd
in his room a few days ago.Copy !req
264. He's dead.Copy !req
265. Whatever he took,
the lab has never seen it before.Copy !req
266. And as you can see, this kid is white.Copy !req
267. That means people actually give a shit.Copy !req
268. Sir, I just want to throw out to you
that I would give a shit if he was black.Copy !req
269. Right now, H.F.S.
is contained right there at Sagan High.Copy !req
270. Now, once this drug breaks containment,
it goes viral in a few days.Copy !req
271. Jenko, I looked at your old transcript.Copy !req
272. I enrolled you in a bunch of bullshit coursesCopy !req
273. like photography and drama.Copy !req
274. Get in with the burnouts and the cool kids.Copy !req
275. Find out who's slinging this shit.Copy !req
276. Schmidt, says you were a virginCopy !req
277. - through high school.
- It says that?Copy !req
278. No. I just assumed it,Copy !req
279. due to your many years on the honor roll
and your membership to the juggling squad.Copy !req
280. It's the Juggling Society,
but it's fine. It's fine.Copy !req
281. They're stealing equipment
from the chemistry lab.Copy !req
282. That's what we think
they're cooking the dope with.Copy !req
283. I enrolled you into honors chemistry.Copy !req
284. Here's your new identities, all right?Copy !req
285. Brad and Doug McQuaid.Copy !req
286. The mission is this.Copy !req
287. Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.Copy !req
288. We get to be brothers?Copy !req
289. Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.Copy !req
290. But if we find the supplier first,
we don't have to worry about the dealers.Copy !req
291. God damn.
Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.Copy !req
292. Hey, Korean Jesus.Copy !req
293. I don't know if you only cater
to Korean ChristiansCopy !req
294. or if you even exist. No offense.Copy !req
295. I just...Copy !req
296. I'm really freaked out
about going back to high school.Copy !req
297. It was just so fucking hard the first time.Copy !req
298. I know we haven't made our first arrest,
or maybe I'm not the best cop.Copy !req
299. Korean Jesus,
I just really don't want to fuck this up.Copy !req
300. I'm sorry for swearing so much.Copy !req
301. The end?Copy !req
302. I don't really know how to end a prayer.
The end?Copy !req
303. Yeah.Copy !req
304. Hey! Hey!Copy !req
305. Stop fucking with Korean Jesus!Copy !req
306. He ain't got time for your problems. He busy!Copy !req
307. With Korean shit.Copy !req
308. - You two get to your mama house ASAP.
- What?Copy !req
309. You're teenagers now, all right?Copy !req
310. You two are staying
at Schmidt's parents' houseCopy !req
311. for the duration of this assignment.Copy !req
312. Fuck me.Copy !req
313. This house is adorable.Copy !req
314. My baby's home! Come here.Copy !req
315. You will always be
my infant angel baby child.Copy !req
316. There's my guy.Copy !req
317. It's great to see you guys.Copy !req
318. - Hey.
- Schmidt family! Up top, Papa Schmidt.Copy !req
319. Oh, my God.
Mama Schmidt, did you do all this yourself?Copy !req
320. - This is unbelievable.
- Well, yeah.Copy !req
321. - I guess I did.
- It's gorgeous!Copy !req
322. So are you.Copy !req
323. Honey, listen, I want to tell you,
we did blow up the air mattress in your roomCopy !req
324. 'cause we're kind of using that
as a workout area,Copy !req
325. so I hope you don't mind the elliptical.Copy !req
326. No, no! Jenko, Jenko, oh, my God, please.
No, no.Copy !req
327. Don't touch that.
We just brought it back from Sedona.Copy !req
328. Guys, can we get rid of this stuff?Copy !req
329. I mean, it looks like I died in a car crashCopy !req
330. - and you guys haven't moved on.
- Rid of it?Copy !req
331. If we take it down,
we have to stop bragging about you.Copy !req
332. I look like Fred Savage
from The Wonder Years,Copy !req
333. but completely naked,
wearing Indian friendship bracelets.Copy !req
334. That is a great picture, Morton.Copy !req
335. You look like a young Jay Leno.Copy !req
336. Am I even wearing underwear in this picture?Copy !req
337. No.Copy !req
338. I remember. You know why?Copy !req
339. Because I've told it to a therapist
about 8,000 times.Copy !req
340. I mean, this is a fourth grade
participation medal for soccer.Copy !req
341. It's literally a medal for sucking.Copy !req
342. - No, that is a medal for trying.
- Yes.Copy !req
343. Let me tell you something.
This guy was always a great tryer.Copy !req
344. That must be Phyllis.
She is just dying to see you.Copy !req
345. What? Mom, you told Phyllis I was here?
She's going to tell the whole neighborhood.Copy !req
346. I told you, it's an undercover assignment.
It's super secretive.Copy !req
347. "Undercover." That's so cute.Copy !req
348. - I'm going upstairs.
- Okay, honey. I want you to knowCopy !req
349. - we are so glad you're here.
- Okay.Copy !req
350. That's great. Thank you.Copy !req
351. - All right. Where is he?
- He's upstairs.Copy !req
352. He just needs to take a little rest,
and then he's dying to see you, too.Copy !req
353. - Bye-bye.
- I baked muffins!Copy !req
354. If you don't know your identity,
we're screwed tomorrow.Copy !req
355. You got to study this stuff.Copy !req
356. Forget those identities. They're bullshit.
They said I was held back a year.Copy !req
357. You were. You were held back two years.Copy !req
358. Just 'cause it's a fake backstory
doesn't mean it doesn't hurt my feelings.Copy !req
359. Fuck! Socks don't match.Copy !req
360. I got to start all over.Copy !req
361. It's the first day of school, dude.
I got to look awesome.Copy !req
362. You know, back in the day,
you were super popular,Copy !req
363. and I wasn't as much.Copy !req
364. We didn't really get along in high school.Copy !req
365. You don't think that's going to happen again,
do you?Copy !req
366. No. Come on, man. We're adults now.
We're best buds.Copy !req
367. It's definitely not going to happen again.Copy !req
368. - We're good.
- Cool.Copy !req
369. Beautiful day out there, boys.Copy !req
370. Just shut up.Copy !req
371. "Anything you say can and will be used
against you in a court of law.Copy !req
372. "You have the right to an attorney.Copy !req
373. "If you cannot afford an attorney,
one will be appointed..."Copy !req
374. Dude, do you still not know
the Miranda rights? You're a cop.Copy !req
375. Come on, man. They always cut away on TV
before they finish them.Copy !req
376. All right, let's do it.Copy !req
377. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What?Copy !req
378. What are you doing?Copy !req
379. - What? What are you talking about?
- Are you two-strapping?Copy !req
380. - My backpack? Yeah.
- Yeah, I got to be seen with you.Copy !req
381. You got to one-strap it.Copy !req
382. Seriously, I would no-strap it
if that would even be possible.Copy !req
383. Okay, what makes you the expert?Copy !req
384. I was cool in high school, and you weren't.Copy !req
385. Okay, that makes sense. Continue.Copy !req
386. The Three Keys of Coolness in High School,
by Jenko.Copy !req
387. One, don't try hard at anything.Copy !req
388. Okay? Two, make fun of people who do try.Copy !req
389. Three, be handsome.Copy !req
390. Four, if anyone steps to you
on the first day of school,Copy !req
391. you punch them directly in the face.Copy !req
392. Five, drive a kick-ass car.Copy !req
393. Shit.Copy !req
394. All right, but just don't be driving it
like teenagers,Copy !req
395. revving up the engine and shit, okay?Copy !req
396. We would never.Copy !req
397. Come on, Hoffs. Give us a little credit.Copy !req
398. - Hey, you ready?
- Go!Copy !req
399. That was awesome! That was amazing.Copy !req
400. - Was I flying?
- That was amazing.Copy !req
401. All right, do mine, do mine.Copy !req
402. - Okay, ready? Here I go.
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
403. You okay?Copy !req
404. I think I shit my pants.Copy !req
405. Hey, park in that handicapped spot.Copy !req
406. - It'll make us look cool.
- That's awesome.Copy !req
407. Dude?Copy !req
408. - Everybody's two-strapping it.
- Just stay with the one-strap.Copy !req
409. I can't. I can't. I can't right now.Copy !req
410. What are you doing? What are you doing?
Don't succumb to the peer pressure.Copy !req
411. - What are you doing?
- You're supposed to use two straps.Copy !req
412. - One strap is peer pressure.
- No. No. You're fucking up right now.Copy !req
413. Okay, those are Goths.Copy !req
414. Those are nerds.Copy !req
415. I don't know what they are.Copy !req
416. What the fuck are those things?Copy !req
417. I'm so confused right now.Copy !req
418. Whoa.Copy !req
419. - Hi.
- Hey.Copy !req
420. - Hey.
- Good morning.Copy !req
421. Hey, yo. Hey.Copy !req
422. - Is that your car?
- Yeah.Copy !req
423. What's that thing get, 10 miles to the gallon?Copy !req
424. No, try, like, seven.Copy !req
425. - What about you?
- Biodiesel, dawg.Copy !req
426. Smells like egg rolls.Copy !req
427. Yeah, it does.
Runs on leftover fry oil from Hunan Palace.Copy !req
428. But we try to ride bikes when we can.
Global crisis and whatnot.Copy !req
429. Whatever, man. I don't care about anything.Copy !req
430. You don't care about the environment?
That's kind of fucked up, man.Copy !req
431. Hey, hey, will y'all shut the hell up?Copy !req
432. I'm trying to study. Thanks.Copy !req
433. Look at him. He's trying.Copy !req
434. He's actually trying. What a nerd.Copy !req
435. Look at the nerd. Look at the nerd.Copy !req
436. - Look at him. Look at the nerd.
- Who you calling a nerd, man?Copy !req
437. I'm sorry. What...Copy !req
438. - Shit!
- Shit, dude.Copy !req
439. Are you okay, man? Hey, what the hell?
Are you serious?Copy !req
440. Well, turn that gay-ass music off.Copy !req
441. - You punched me because I'm gay?
- What?Copy !req
442. No. Come on.Copy !req
443. That's not cool, man.Copy !req
444. That is really insensitive.Copy !req
445. I didn't punch him because he's gay.Copy !req
446. I punched him, and then he happened
to turn out to be gay afterwards.Copy !req
447. - I was gay when you punched me!
- In a weird way,Copy !req
448. it might have been
homophobic not to punch youCopy !req
449. - just because you were gay.
- Right.Copy !req
450. You punched a little gay
black kid in the face,Copy !req
451. and it's not even second period.
How do you explain that?Copy !req
452. Mr. Dadier, I'm so sorry about that. I just...Copy !req
453. Look, guys, I'm going to relate to you, okay?Copy !req
454. A kid died the other day from drugs,Copy !req
455. and nobody, including me,
is doing anything about it.Copy !req
456. That's weird, guys.Copy !req
457. And then you two show up, with 30 days left,Copy !req
458. causing trouble in my school.Copy !req
459. I am one more black gay kid
getting punched in the faceCopy !req
460. away from a nervous breakdown.
Do I make myself clear?Copy !req
461. You guys cross my line again,Copy !req
462. and you walk into this office,
I'm going to expel you. You got me?Copy !req
463. All right, let's do this.
Which one of you is Doug?Copy !req
464. Let's do that again
and pretend you guys aren't weird.Copy !req
465. Which one of you is named Doug?Copy !req
466. - No, dude, I'm Brad.
- Okay, good.Copy !req
467. So that means your name is Doug, son.Copy !req
468. - Yeah, I'm Doug.
- Great.Copy !req
469. Here are your class schedules.Copy !req
470. Funny, I wouldn't have taken you
for the brainy type.Copy !req
471. I wouldn't.
But you as a drama geek, far less surprising.Copy !req
472. Thank you.Copy !req
473. Now we have the wrong identities,
you dumb-ass.Copy !req
474. I'm in drama. I suck at drama.
It's girly and embarrassing.Copy !req
475. Oh, my God. Relax, dude. Who cares?Copy !req
476. I can fake my way through band practice
and app chemistry for a few weeks.Copy !req
477. AP Chemistry. AP Chemistry.
And, no, you can't,Copy !req
478. because you don't even know
what it's actually fucking called!Copy !req
479. It's going to be fine. You go to my classes,
and I'm going to go to yours.Copy !req
480. Okay, now, chemistry's
the one with the shapes and shit, right?Copy !req
481. Fuck.Copy !req
482. So, we are going to hold auditions
for the Peter Pan part today.Copy !req
483. Billiam would've wanted the show to go on.Copy !req
484. When I was a young actor just starting out
in New York state,Copy !req
485. Albany, to be exact,Copy !req
486. - I booked a local television commercial...
- Hey.Copy !req
487. in which I had to play a young man...Copy !req
488. It's really sad about that kid. He was talented.Copy !req
489. So are you saying if he wasn't talented,
it would be less sad?Copy !req
490. No. No, no, no, that's not what I meant.Copy !req
491. I was just busting your balls.Copy !req
492. Okay. Good.Copy !req
493. I remember, one time,
doing cocaine with Willie Nelson's horse,Copy !req
494. and we were having so much fun.Copy !req
495. And then I realized that she was dead.Copy !req
496. I remember one summer...Copy !req
497. Do kids still do this stuff?Copy !req
498. Even after what happened to him?Copy !req
499. Everyone's saying
that Billiam had a heart murmur.Copy !req
500. Pretty much everyone I know does it,
but it's not my thing.Copy !req
501. It's not really my thing, either,Copy !req
502. but a buddy of mine really wants it.Copy !req
503. Who would he call if he wanted it?Copy !req
504. Well, you can tell your friendCopy !req
505. that if he really wanted it,Copy !req
506. it's not so hard to find.Copy !req
507. When to take it.
He shouldn't have been taking it at all.Copy !req
508. Drugs are bad.Copy !req
509. But they can have their place
in the life of a professional actor.Copy !req
510. - Thank you.
- You're welcome.Copy !req
511. Notice the distinction.
I said "professional actor."Copy !req
512. New person. Mr. Texty Texty.Copy !req
513. Since you have so much to say to Molly,Copy !req
514. let's see if you can be Peter to our Wendy.Copy !req
515. You look like you might have
a little Peter inside of you.Copy !req
516. I can't.
I'm fine just being a tree or something.Copy !req
517. Doug, you never won't knowCopy !req
518. what you can't achieve
before you don't achieve it.Copy !req
519. My point is,Copy !req
520. you have to. Everyone auditions for Peter.Copy !req
521. Yeah, sure.Copy !req
522. My favorite molecule is water.Copy !req
523. I'd marry it, unless it was my daughter.Copy !req
524. Its solid form floats on its liquid form,
which makes it far outside the norm.Copy !req
525. It allowed life to form on ancient Mars,
and we use it to wash our cars.Copy !req
526. H2O.Copy !req
527. H2O. H2O.Copy !req
528. - H2O
- It's okay. Thank you.Copy !req
529. Thank you, Zack. So good.Copy !req
530. All right, anybody else
for Molecule Mondays? Anyone?Copy !req
531. Okay. Time for a pop Quiznos.Copy !req
532. A what?Copy !req
533. I'm sorry.Copy !req
534. What is your name? Brad?Copy !req
535. - Brad. Yes, ma'am.
- Wow. Look at you,Copy !req
536. Brad. Big.Copy !req
537. What is a pop Quiznos?Copy !req
538. It's a quiz, and the first person who finishes
gets a $10 gift certificate to Quiznos.Copy !req
539. - Today's quiz is on...
- You look really old.Copy !req
540. - Were you held back or something or...
- No. You look super young.Copy !req
541. Were you held forward?Copy !req
542. I went to school in France, so...Copy !req
543. And they do, like, two extra years
of middle school there. It's so lame.Copy !req
544. French, the language of love.Copy !req
545. That's cool, man. It's nice to meet you also.Copy !req
546. Hey.Copy !req
547. Good luck.Copy !req
548. I've gotta crowCopy !req
549. I'm just the cleverest...Copy !req
550. Okay.Copy !req
551. Maybe try one cooler.Copy !req
552. And faster.Copy !req
553. And louder. And better.Copy !req
554. And less insecure and more just cool.Copy !req
555. Okay, yeah, those are great notes.Copy !req
556. I'm going to run outside,Copy !req
557. and I'm going to utilize those,
and I'm going to come back.Copy !req
558. It's such bullshit.Copy !req
559. Wow. You're fast.Copy !req
560. Not like that. Just, let me check you out.Copy !req
561. Let me check out your chest.Copy !req
562. Check out your test... Let me...Copy !req
563. Let me grade your quiz.Copy !req
564. Can I go take a dump?Copy !req
565. Yeah, okay. That's cool.Copy !req
566. We have this "hurry back" rule,Copy !req
567. so if you're not back in six minutes,
I have to send you to the principal.Copy !req
568. Rules are rules, so,Copy !req
569. I guess this will have to be a quickie.Copy !req
570. - Which way is yearbook?
- I don't know.Copy !req
571. - Is it this way?
- I don't know!Copy !req
572. - Yo.
- Hey.Copy !req
573. You guys, huh?Copy !req
574. That was a total mix-up,
what happened earlier.Copy !req
575. - Yeah.
- He feels awful. He feels...Copy !req
576. Totally, very nervous.Copy !req
577. You're the dealer?Copy !req
578. - You're the dealer guy?
- Is that you?Copy !req
579. Yep.Copy !req
580. So do you make the stuff or...Copy !req
581. Do I look like a fucking scientist?
No, I just sell it.Copy !req
582. - Yeah, he just sells it. Come on.
- Yeah, no, I'm sorry.Copy !req
583. - I meant I just...
- How many you guys want?Copy !req
584. 20 bucks a pop.Copy !req
585. One each? One pop each of drugs.Copy !req
586. You guys aren't narcs, are you?Copy !req
587. Whoa!Copy !req
588. - Dude, come on.
- No! Maybe you're a narc.Copy !req
589. You know who calls people narcs?Copy !req
590. Narcs, narc.Copy !req
591. First of all, your argument
kind of just collapsed on itself,Copy !req
592. because if you call us narcs,Copy !req
593. if narcs call people narcs,
and you call us narcs, then that's kind of...Copy !req
594. - 'Cause you just said that.
- They call people...Copy !req
595. Look, I don't have time for this shit.
You guys want to do this or not?Copy !req
596. - Jesus.
- Yes.Copy !req
597. - Yes, yes.
- No problem.Copy !req
598. All right, take it here so I know you're cool.Copy !req
599. I'm sorry. What?Copy !req
600. - We were going to take it home.
- I gotta go back to class,Copy !req
601. - is the only thing.
- I was thinking that I was going to go home,Copy !req
602. maybe turn down the lights,Copy !req
603. getting snuggy, get a little weird.Copy !req
604. I was going to take it,
and then masturbate later.Copy !req
605. Okay, I'm not asking.
Take it now or get the fuck out.Copy !req
606. I got to finish the girls' volleyball page
by lunch.Copy !req
607. Yeah?Copy !req
608. Yeah, no, it's all good.Copy !req
609. - I love doing drugs at school.
- I'll just take the drugs right here,Copy !req
610. in our mouths.Copy !req
611. There you go. That's it.Copy !req
612. What is that? Barbecue? Cool Ranch?Copy !req
613. Have fun.Copy !req
614. - You got to pull the trigger!
- Okay.Copy !req
615. You got to pull the trigger!Copy !req
616. - We got to throw up, man.
- I can't.Copy !req
617. We gotta throw up. That kid, Billiam, died.
We got to throw up.Copy !req
618. Just think of something gross.
Think of something gross.Copy !req
619. - You fucking think of something.
- Okay, all right, all right.Copy !req
620. Your grandma's vagina,
and there's a dick going into it.Copy !req
621. - What the fuck are you saying?
- I don't know! I'm just trying!Copy !req
622. - I'm trying my best! I'm just trying!
- Fuck! Come on, man!Copy !req
623. Dude, let's just finger each other's mouths.Copy !req
624. - No!
- Yeah.Copy !req
625. No, you're not fingering my mouth.Copy !req
626. - Do you wanna die? Do you wanna die?
- Okay, fine!Copy !req
627. Let's go. Come on. Come on! Come on!Copy !req
628. What are you doing?
Are you trying to find my G-spot?Copy !req
629. - Just stick it in!
- I don't know. I've never done this before!Copy !req
630. Just stick it in! Go!Copy !req
631. Cut your fucking fingernails!Copy !req
632. Oh, God!Copy !req
633. Is it me?Copy !req
634. I'm sorry.Copy !req
635. I just can't sometimes.Copy !req
636. Think we're going to be fine.
I don't feel anything.Copy !req
637. Me, neither.Copy !req
638. Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.Copy !req
639. You got a pass for running around
the hallways like a couple of ding-a-lings?Copy !req
640. Pass, in your hand.Copy !req
641. Hello.Copy !req
642. Damn. You guys are late.Copy !req
643. Now I'm going to have to take you
to the principal's office.Copy !req
644. - No, no, no, man. Come on, please. Sorry.
- Come on, please.Copy !req
645. You have exceptional muscle tone there,
young man.Copy !req
646. When'd you go through puberty?
Like, at seven or something?Copy !req
647. You look like you're in your mid-20s,
for crying out loud.Copy !req
648. McQuaid, huh? Doug McQuaid.Copy !req
649. I read your file.Copy !req
650. You got a lot of something special
going on there, young man.Copy !req
651. What the hell was that? God damn it, son!Copy !req
652. Don't ever raise your hand to me like that
again, all right?Copy !req
653. I consider that a threat.Copy !req
654. I was just saying that I'm Doug.Copy !req
655. I'm Doug McQuaid. See, that's Brad.Copy !req
656. That's Brad.Copy !req
657. You're the new kid who's All County in track?Copy !req
658. Yes, I'm Doug McQuaid,Copy !req
659. the track star, and this is Brad,
the science prodigy.Copy !req
660. He's really fast.Copy !req
661. Is this funny to you guys?Copy !req
662. So you're Doug. You're Doug. You're Doug.Copy !req
663. You're Doug. You're Doug.Copy !req
664. Here's the deal.Copy !req
665. My track team is full
of physically incapable rejects.Copy !req
666. I mean, if I wasn't the coach,
I'd be laughing my ass offCopy !req
667. at how spastic they are, but I am the coach,Copy !req
668. so I need you.Copy !req
669. I need me some Doug McQuaid.Copy !req
670. Understand?Copy !req
671. I need you to run anchor on the 4 X 400
at today's track meet.Copy !req
672. You do that, and I'll sign this pass.Copy !req
673. Don't blow on me, son.Copy !req
674. I haven't trained.Copy !req
675. Guys, don't make me take you
to the principal's office.Copy !req
676. Do we have a deal?Copy !req
677. Yes.Copy !req
678. Nice.Copy !req
679. I don't like that.
Put your tongue back in your mouth.Copy !req
680. Put your tongue in your mouth, and close it.Copy !req
681. What are you doing? Stop it.Copy !req
682. Actually, that's not bad.Copy !req
683. All right, here you go.Copy !req
684. Are you guys on drugs?Copy !req
685. Okay.Copy !req
686. One particle of Unobtainium has
a nuclear reaction with a flux capacitor.Copy !req
687. Carry the two, changing its atomic isotoner
into a radioactive spider.Copy !req
688. Fuck you, science!Copy !req
689. All right, all right, we're good.Copy !req
690. We're good. We're good, man. We're good.Copy !req
691. We're good, baby.Copy !req
692. Good work. Hit that shit.Copy !req
693. I've gotta crowCopy !req
694. I'm just the cleverest fellowCopy !req
695. 'Twas ever my fortune to knowCopy !req
696. I taught a trick to my shadowCopy !req
697. To stick to the tip of my toeCopy !req
698. I've gotta crowCopy !req
699. I've gottaCopy !req
700. Crow!Copy !req
701. Christoph, did you feel that?Copy !req
702. Who are you?Copy !req
703. Welcome aboard, Peter.Copy !req
704. No, keep it going!Copy !req
705. Keep it going. That was so tight!Copy !req
706. No, no, no, keep it going. Keep it going.Copy !req
707. All right, let's go, McQuaid!Copy !req
708. All right! Yeah!Copy !req
709. I like it! I like the confidence, son!Copy !req
710. I know y'all seen this shit before.Copy !req
711. I know you've seen this shit before.Copy !req
712. Huge lead! Huge lead! We got this. All right.Copy !req
713. You're looking amped!Copy !req
714. Here we go.Copy !req
715. Here we go! Here we go!Copy !req
716. Hey, pick it up!Copy !req
717. Hey, no, McQuaid, pick it up.
What are you doing?Copy !req
718. What are you doing? Pick it...Copy !req
719. What? McQuaid!Copy !req
720. Don't throw the baton, you jackass!Copy !req
721. Come on!Copy !req
722. McQuaid!Copy !req
723. Run that way!Copy !req
724. Spike that! Fuck you, Miles Davis!Copy !req
725. Let's go, God damn it! Let's do this!Copy !req
726. Let's go! Come on!Copy !req
727. Oh, my God.Copy !req
728. No, no.Copy !req
729. No, stop.Copy !req
730. Come here. Come here.Copy !req
731. Don't make a...Copy !req
732. That is a baton penis.Copy !req
733. Speak of the devil!Copy !req
734. Dude, that was awesome
how you sabotaged that track meet, man.Copy !req
735. Organized sports are so fascist.
It makes me sick.Copy !req
736. That's just what I do.Copy !req
737. Okay. Shit, man. See you around, all right?Copy !req
738. I don't get this school.Copy !req
739. That was awesome.Copy !req
740. Okay, so we stayed up all night making this.Copy !req
741. It's awesome. You're really going to like it.Copy !req
742. All yarn work was done by Jenko.Copy !req
743. Okay, Captain, look,
the dealers are the popular kids,Copy !req
744. but they're not normal popular.Copy !req
745. They're these crunchy granola dudes
that have convinced everyoneCopy !req
746. that they're cool, and they're not cool.Copy !req
747. It's backwards and unnatural,
and it's got to be stopped.Copy !req
748. Lead dealer, Eric Molson. Alpha dog.Copy !req
749. Sick chicks, killer steeze.Copy !req
750. Did the AIDS run this year.Copy !req
751. He's getting into Berkeley, early admish,Copy !req
752. and he totally gets me.Copy !req
753. Who put this together? Are you autistic?Copy !req
754. It is artistic, sir, because the thing is,Copy !req
755. - the yarn actually indicates...
- We're compiling a listCopy !req
756. of suspicious types at school.
The users are here.Copy !req
757. This kid was actually talking
to a tree this morning.Copy !req
758. Cut the bullshit!Copy !req
759. I want to know who's the supplier.Copy !req
760. We don't know. That's why
there's a question mark on his face.Copy !req
761. That's not the way his face looks.
That's just a question mark.Copy !req
762. Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.Copy !req
763. Simple.Copy !req
764. Sounds like you guys
really cracked the whole case.Copy !req
765. Great job. You guys are on fire.Copy !req
766. - So proud.
- Like you could do any better?Copy !req
767. We just brought down a group
of wannabe thugsCopy !req
768. stripping down cars
in the Garfield High metal shop.Copy !req
769. - What?
- Meanwhile, you two were standing aroundCopy !req
770. finger-popping each other's assholes.Copy !req
771. We're not finger-popping
each other's assholes.Copy !req
772. What we're doing is getting shit done.Copy !req
773. Yeah, as a matter of fact,Copy !req
774. I'm about to infiltrate a super high-techCopy !req
775. drug manufacturing ring
in the chemistry classroom.Copy !req
776. - Password!
- Open the door!Copy !req
777. - You have to say the password.
- I'm sorry. What?Copy !req
778. What are you...Copy !req
779. Geez.Copy !req
780. What are y'all doing?
How'd you get a key in here?Copy !req
781. Ms. Griggs gave us one
so we could work, tutor, deal Bakugan.Copy !req
782. Bakugan? You dealing drugs?Copy !req
783. - Let me see. You dealing drugs?
- No.Copy !req
784. It's just a card game.
It's, like, a hybrid card game.Copy !req
785. - See? They open up.
- Battle Brawlers.Copy !req
786. - You're not doing anything illegal?
- No.Copy !req
787. - What are you doing in here?
- I'm here to study.Copy !req
788. Good. You could use it.
You're pretty far behind, so...Copy !req
789. You're behind. I'm ahead.Copy !req
790. - I know everything.
- Really?Copy !req
791. What's a covalent bond?Copy !req
792. Fuck you, man. I don't need to tell you.Copy !req
793. I wasn't trying to be rude. Sorry.Copy !req
794. I just... I don't think you know everything.Copy !req
795. I know everything.Copy !req
796. Okay.Copy !req
797. What kind of bullshit do they say
about a covalent bond in this school?Copy !req
798. They say it's when two atoms
share both their electrons.Copy !req
799. It helps them to stick together.Copy !req
800. I could help you out if you want,
tutor you for the test.Copy !req
801. What are you doing
with all those phones anyway?Copy !req
802. I crack and jailbreak kids' phones
to try and save for college.Copy !req
803. You know, I switch their wireless carriers,
get them restricted apps.Copy !req
804. Can you listen in on phone calls and stuff?Copy !req
805. No, no, I can't install a spyware
to remotely monitor callsCopy !req
806. or anything that the mic picks up.Copy !req
807. - I can't do that at all.
- Wait, you can't do it?Copy !req
808. No, I can't.Copy !req
809. - Is he being sarcastic?
- I don't know.Copy !req
810. So you can.Copy !req
811. Liking comic books is popular.Copy !req
812. Environmental awareness, being tolerant.Copy !req
813. If I was just born 10 years later,
I would have been the coolest person ever.Copy !req
814. I know. It's bullshit.Copy !req
815. You know what?Copy !req
816. I totally know the cause.Copy !req
817. Glee. Fuck you, Glee.Copy !req
818. Man, I got to say, this is kind of awesome.Copy !req
819. I might become popular.
I might get in with the popular kids.Copy !req
820. We just have to do something
wildly irresponsible to earn their trust.Copy !req
821. You saying we should throw a party?Copy !req
822. I'll invite Molly,
and then Molly will invite Eric,Copy !req
823. and that'll be the quickest way for me
to bro down with him.Copy !req
824. Wouldn't it be better if we both infiltrated
the cool kids' group?Copy !req
825. I think it would be better if you get inCopy !req
826. with the nerdy kids
and see what's going on over there.Copy !req
827. That'd be the best thing for the case.Copy !req
828. Yeah. I mean, I guess that makes sense.Copy !req
829. - Hello?
- Hey. Is this Molly?Copy !req
830. Speaking.Copy !req
831. Hey. It's Schmidt.Copy !req
832. It's Doug Schmug McQuaid.Copy !req
833. Hey, man.Copy !req
834. It's so weird that you're calling me.Copy !req
835. I pretty much text
except for when a random old relative calls.Copy !req
836. I was just calling 'cause we're costarring
in this play together,Copy !req
837. - and...
- Hello?Copy !req
838. Mom, get off the phone!Copy !req
839. Sorry, Doug,Copy !req
840. - my teen son.
- Mom!Copy !req
841. I love you, honey, Dougie,
Doug, Douglas McQuaid.Copy !req
842. Mom, so serious right now! Stop!Copy !req
843. I'm sorry. My mom's such a dick.Copy !req
844. She just, like, smothers me with affection
and makes me feel like I'm five years old.Copy !req
845. Wow. You're a sharer. I dig that.Copy !req
846. Well, I'm 18 years old, and my mom
still packs a lunch for me every day.Copy !req
847. There was this one month
where she bought me 43 stuffed animals.Copy !req
848. The doctor thought
I was gonna spontaneously grow a vagina.Copy !req
849. I didn't, though, just to be clear.Copy !req
850. Yeah, because you already had one.Copy !req
851. Exactly. I already had one.Copy !req
852. And you don't need two vaginas.
You just don't.Copy !req
853. Although you could use one as a coin purse.Copy !req
854. I never got any stuffed animals growing up.Copy !req
855. Wait, actually, that's not true. I did.Copy !req
856. My dad gave me a stuffed puppy
the day he bailed on us.Copy !req
857. I'm just fucking with you.Copy !req
858. That is a weird joke.Copy !req
859. I thought your dad abandoned your family.Copy !req
860. No, he did walk out on us, though.Copy !req
861. But he didn't even leave me a stuffed puppy.Copy !req
862. Just broken dreams.Copy !req
863. Oh, man. Well, I guess, to that, I would say,Copy !req
864. well,Copy !req
865. that there are some good guys out there,Copy !req
866. and I wouldn't let, you know, one experienceCopy !req
867. taint your memory.Copy !req
868. Oh, my God.Copy !req
869. Are you getting choked up?
I'm sorry if I made you upset.Copy !req
870. No, it's just, you know,
I don't like when guys are mean to girls.Copy !req
871. Yeah. Well, thanks.Copy !req
872. Normal transition here.Copy !req
873. Actually, I'm having a party next weekend.
You should come!Copy !req
874. You and Eric and Juario, whatever.Copy !req
875. Do you mind if I just put, like,
a posting on Facebook?Copy !req
876. Okay. Yeah, yeah!Copy !req
877. I should call you back.Copy !req
878. Well, all right, I'll see you at school.
You're a great person.Copy !req
879. - Bye-bye. Bye.
- Bye.Copy !req
880. What the fuck are you...Copy !req
881. Are y'all throwing a party?Copy !req
882. - What?
- There's rumors in the Twittersphere.Copy !req
883. And if any of my officersCopy !req
884. are caught giving alcohol to minors,Copy !req
885. they'll find theyself in prisonCopy !req
886. with a snorkel duct-taped to they mouthCopy !req
887. and me shitting down that snorkel.Copy !req
888. That's extremely vivid. Thank you.Copy !req
889. You're the best. You are the best.Copy !req
890. - Oh, my God.
- We love you.Copy !req
891. - Enjoy the vineyard.
- You boys be good, now.Copy !req
892. Yeah, I can't believe you guys did this for us.Copy !req
893. Bye!Copy !req
894. "We love you"? What are you doing?
Why you saying "I love you" to my mom?Copy !req
895. - I'm in character. Shut up.
- It's weird.Copy !req
896. Look, dude, it's kind of like we're brothers.Copy !req
897. Wait, how are we going to buy alcohol?Copy !req
898. Dude, I don't have a fake ID.Copy !req
899. How are we going to get drugs for the party?Copy !req
900. Oh, no.Copy !req
901. We got a pound of coke.Copy !req
902. We're trying to show them a good time,
not ruin their fucking lives.Copy !req
903. Pound of marijuana?Copy !req
904. - Best party ever.
- Boo-yah!Copy !req
905. To a brilliant ideaCopy !req
906. from my brilliant brotherCopy !req
907. that I love so very much.Copy !req
908. And this is going to fucking rock.Copy !req
909. - Cheers, man.
- Cheers.Copy !req
910. - Who invited you guys?
- I did!Copy !req
911. The party's here!Copy !req
912. - What's up, Zack?
- Hey, buddy.Copy !req
913. What's up, Roman?Copy !req
914. This is crazy. This is, like,
the craziest thing I've ever been a part of.Copy !req
915. Where is Eric, man? He said he'd be here.Copy !req
916. Do we have enough chips?Copy !req
917. Is this playlist too dance-y?Copy !req
918. - Feels too dance-y.
- Too dance-y?Copy !req
919. - What are you talking about?
- I don't know, it just feels dance-y.Copy !req
920. What are you doing?Copy !req
921. - That's my mom's Kokopelli vase.
- I got it, I got it.Copy !req
922. Doug, Doug, hey!Copy !req
923. Hey, Paul Blart: Molly Cop.Copy !req
924. Such a bad joke.Copy !req
925. Terrible, terrible.Copy !req
926. - You guys know each other, right?
- Yeah.Copy !req
927. Get ready, get ready, there's Eric.
Wait for the signal.Copy !req
928. And then you come in here
looking like a rock-solid 10.Copy !req
929. What?Copy !req
930. What's up, man, how you doing?Copy !req
931. Eco Suave.Copy !req
932. Whoa.Copy !req
933. Wow, so I'm really digging this decor.Copy !req
934. Very Native American.Copy !req
935. Yeah, our parents are actuallyCopy !req
936. - really into Native American...
- Let's rock and roll.Copy !req
937. - Sorry.
- What are y'all doing?Copy !req
938. - Come on.
- Did you guys even see Eric?Copy !req
939. Seriously, did you not see Eric?Copy !req
940. No offense, man, but your brother sucks.Copy !req
941. Yo, this is butt.
There's, like, no hot dudes here.Copy !req
942. - Man, let's bounce.
- We're out of here, man.Copy !req
943. No, no, no, come on, you guys just got here,
you just got here.Copy !req
944. Come on, let me at least give you a tour.Copy !req
945. Okay, boys, come on, we did it,
we can do this, just go,Copy !req
946. just go as fast as you possibly can.Copy !req
947. Taking out the SIM card.Copy !req
948. Taking down Eric
with the SIM card informationCopy !req
949. Come on, CSI the shit out of this thing.Copy !req
950. - Are you drunk?
- No.Copy !req
951. Have you even been drunk before?Copy !req
952. - No, but...
- Give me this.Copy !req
953. - What?
- Can we get some bitches up in here?Copy !req
954. 'Cause it's just boys right now.Copy !req
955. No, you can't get any bitches up here.Copy !req
956. This is my parents' bedroom.Copy !req
957. - What the fuck, bro? Some privacy!
- Shit, shit, shit!Copy !req
958. And that is a really gross three-way.Copy !req
959. But what was the girl in the back doing?Copy !req
960. Warehouse rave in Ellsworth.Copy !req
961. Cool, yeah.Copy !req
962. Hey, man, thank you for the hospitality,Copy !req
963. but we got to get going.
You know how it is, yeah?Copy !req
964. Dude, tell me about it.Copy !req
965. Is it ready? He's gonna leave right now.Copy !req
966. It's extracting right now.Copy !req
967. Dude, it's now or never! Is it ready or not?Copy !req
968. Read this.
"Please wait. Extracting data from SIM card."Copy !req
969. Shit! It's a bust.Copy !req
970. - Keep it casual.
- Yeah.Copy !req
971. - Go with the flow, dude.
- Cool, man.Copy !req
972. - I don't like to make plans or whatever.
- You got it.Copy !req
973. - Thank you again, though, man.
- All right.Copy !req
974. Eric, Eric, Eric. Hey, man, what's up?Copy !req
975. Hey, why you here, Scott?Copy !req
976. What, Kennedy High
isn't having any parties tonight?Copy !req
977. No, I heard you guys were partying
with some new stuff.Copy !req
978. Wanted to know your hookup
so me and my boys can get in on it.Copy !req
979. Got other commitments on that front,
so, you know...Copy !req
980. I wasn't asking.Copy !req
981. Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.Copy !req
982. Take five, take five, man, let me get this.
I got this.Copy !req
983. - Yeah? You sure?
- I got this one.Copy !req
984. Hey, big player, I don't know who you are.Copy !req
985. - Don't worry about who I am.
- I'm worried about it.Copy !req
986. - Why?
- 'Cause you're at my party right now, dude.Copy !req
987. This is my temple,
this is where I come to find peace, dawg,Copy !req
988. and you're coming in here
like an emotional bull in a china shop,Copy !req
989. metaphorically knocking over vases,
messing with my crew,Copy !req
990. and I'm like, "What, Scott, what, Scott,
what, what, what, what, Scott?"Copy !req
991. - It's that kind of party?
- Yeah, dude.Copy !req
992. Matter of fact, it's getting hot in here, huh?Copy !req
993. - No, it's getting real.
- It's getting very real.Copy !req
994. Yeah. It's like seven strangers
living in one house. True story.Copy !req
995. - You want Real World?
- Yeah, let's do it, man.Copy !req
996. - Come on. What's your Real...
- Here's Real World.Copy !req
997. What was that? Did you hear that?Copy !req
998. Real enough for you?Copy !req
999. Schmidt. Doug.Copy !req
1000. - What do I do?
- Hit him!Copy !req
1001. Shit! That hurt worse than when he hit me!Copy !req
1002. Fight normal.Copy !req
1003. Yo, I'm serious.Copy !req
1004. Sorry.Copy !req
1005. - I'll fucking kill you!
- I'm sorry! I'm very sorry!Copy !req
1006. Seriously, use your words, use your words!Copy !req
1007. I kicked him in the nuts.Copy !req
1008. Fight's over, dude! Fight's over! Fight's over!Copy !req
1009. No, watch my mom's shit, man!Copy !req
1010. - I'm gonna fucking kill you!
- You'll knock over my mom's vase!Copy !req
1011. - Fuck your mom's vase!
- Fuck this!Copy !req
1012. Oh, shit!Copy !req
1013. Yeah!Copy !req
1014. That's my brother!Copy !req
1015. - That was insane!
- You're so cool!Copy !req
1016. Did you see that shit? That was crazy.Copy !req
1017. Oh, shit,Copy !req
1018. when did I get stabbed?Copy !req
1019. That's awesome.Copy !req
1020. Yeah!Copy !req
1021. Is that a cop?Copy !req
1022. Where?Copy !req
1023. No, it's not. Here.Copy !req
1024. I'm so glad we're going back
to get my phone.Copy !req
1025. I just hope we don't wake up Schmidty.Copy !req
1026. Oh, my God, he's a policeman now.Copy !req
1027. It's like we're living with a narc.Copy !req
1028. The boy is an angel.Copy !req
1029. Pull it out!Copy !req
1030. Pull it out! Pull it out! Pull it out!Copy !req
1031. Sorry!Copy !req
1032. Okay, let's take some shots.Copy !req
1033. Shots, shots!Copy !req
1034. That's like us fucking Mother Earth
without a condom.Copy !req
1035. What the fuck is going on?Copy !req
1036. Annie, hang on.Copy !req
1037. Are you fucking kidding me?Copy !req
1038. Get out of my house. I said get out!
The party's over!Copy !req
1039. I'm sorry, Mom, I'm sorry!Copy !req
1040. The mom is coming!Copy !req
1041. - Listen to me!
- Chill out! Chill out!Copy !req
1042. - Let go of me!
- You're embarrassing meCopy !req
1043. - in front of my friends!
- Get back here, you shit!Copy !req
1044. Dude, that was so crazy, man.Copy !req
1045. I swear, best party I've been to in years.Copy !req
1046. Dude, I'm doing crazy stuff like that,Copy !req
1047. - like, all the time, man.
- I bet you are.Copy !req
1048. Dude, I'm so amped right now, God!Copy !req
1049. You, dude, I like you, man.Copy !req
1050. How do you feel about making
a little extra money?Copy !req
1051. Whatever it is, I'm in.Copy !req
1052. All right, here's the deal.Copy !req
1053. Okay, I can't sell all this shit on my own,
but I only bring in people I like.Copy !req
1054. Okay, you do good,
maybe we bring you in on what we're doing,Copy !req
1055. I introduce you to my hookup.
How's that sound?Copy !req
1056. - Cool with me.
- My man.Copy !req
1057. That is my man...Copy !req
1058. That was nuts. I lost you guys.Copy !req
1059. Hey, thank you again for the party, man.Copy !req
1060. Yo, yo.Copy !req
1061. Come on!Copy !req
1062. "I love dick"?Copy !req
1063. You think that's funny?Copy !req
1064. "Wonder Years douche"?Copy !req
1065. What kind of a sick animal drawsCopy !req
1066. an ejaculating penis
into an 8-year-old's mouth?Copy !req
1067. It's arguably, like, an airplane throwing up.Copy !req
1068. You think I don't know
that's a dick and balls?Copy !req
1069. I know all about dick and balls!Copy !req
1070. I partied with Robert Downey Jr.
before he got sober,Copy !req
1071. when he was really fucked up
and a lot of fun!Copy !req
1072. You know what?
From now on, you're gonna do some chores.Copy !req
1073. You're gonna wash the laundry,
you're gonna fold it,Copy !req
1074. you're gonna do the dishes,
you're gonna mow the lawn...Copy !req
1075. Dude, I have a surprise for you.Copy !req
1076. Last night at the party, I took Eric's phoneCopy !req
1077. and I had Zack put
this monitoring device in it,Copy !req
1078. so we're gonna get to hear every single thing
that little prick is up to.Copy !req
1079. Dude, I don't know if that was a good idea.Copy !req
1080. What?Copy !req
1081. - What if you had gotten found out?
- But it worked.Copy !req
1082. This is, like,
the smartest move I've ever pulled,Copy !req
1083. so, I'm sorry,
what are you getting mad at me for?Copy !req
1084. I'm not getting mad at you.
I'm glad you have something to do.Copy !req
1085. Good.Copy !req
1086. What's up?Copy !req
1087. Great job, Schmidt.Copy !req
1088. - Password!
- Kneel before Zod!Copy !req
1089. You may enter.Copy !req
1090. Thank you, Zod.Copy !req
1091. Let's tap that wire, huh?Copy !req
1092. We were just about to go outside
with a bunch of chemicals.Copy !req
1093. We were going to test what blows up.Copy !req
1094. There's no reason the wiretap
is super urgent, right?Copy !req
1095. Not that I can think of
that would make sense.Copy !req
1096. Go for it, go for it.Copy !req
1097. - Look out.
- Go, go, go!Copy !req
1098. Yes!Copy !req
1099. Yes, that's what I'm talking about!Copy !req
1100. That's what I'm talking about!Copy !req
1101. I love this science shit!Copy !req
1102. This is what you guys do all day?
Let's do it again.Copy !req
1103. Are you texting Molly?Copy !req
1104. What?Copy !req
1105. I don't... Molly...Copy !req
1106. Maybe. Is that...Copy !req
1107. Whoa, it's cool, man, come on.Copy !req
1108. I'm not some, like,
'50s letterman who pins a girl.Copy !req
1109. I mean, yeah, we blow each other sometimes,
but it's not a thing.Copy !req
1110. I just, like... I don't know,
I don't believe in possessions, ja feel?Copy !req
1111. Ja feel, ja definitely feel.Copy !req
1112. - Yeah.
- Schmidty?Copy !req
1113. Schmidty.Copy !req
1114. Phyllis.Copy !req
1115. - I'll be right back, dude.
- Okay.Copy !req
1116. Hey. How are you?Copy !req
1117. - How is my favorite police officer?
- Okay.Copy !req
1118. Your mother told me that you are undercover.Copy !req
1119. Listen, now is not a really good time.Copy !req
1120. Are you undercover right now?Copy !req
1121. Yes, it means I'm undercover right now.Copy !req
1122. Are those the bad guys over there?Copy !req
1123. Do they have guns? Oh, my God.
Oh, God, this is so exciting.Copy !req
1124. I have got to call Annie. She is gonna die.Copy !req
1125. I heard that that Jenko boy is your partner.Copy !req
1126. - Where is my phone?
- Okay, okay.Copy !req
1127. Shut your fucking mouth.Copy !req
1128. Shut your fucking mouth,
you understand me?Copy !req
1129. Let's go check this out.Copy !req
1130. I will straight-up punch you in the face
if you do not shut up.Copy !req
1131. - There is no...
- A straight-up face punch.Copy !req
1132. I swear to God, you're gonna get me killed.Copy !req
1133. - Hey, yo.
- That is...Copy !req
1134. Shit! She just tried to grab my dick, dude!Copy !req
1135. - What? You tried to grab his...
- She tried to grab my junk.Copy !req
1136. She was like, "Oh, my God, I have arthritis,Copy !req
1137. "it hurts my hand,
I need to grab a handful of that dick."Copy !req
1138. I was like, "Get the fuck off me!"Copy !req
1139. She said, "I need to grab
a handful of that dick"?Copy !req
1140. And it felt good,
but then it felt weird for a second,Copy !req
1141. so I pushed her. We got to get out of here.Copy !req
1142. All right, cool, let's get the...Copy !req
1143. So your parents are just cool
with having people over whenever?Copy !req
1144. Yeah, you know, they're out most nights.Copy !req
1145. Pretty laissez-faire about the whole thing.Copy !req
1146. You're so lucky your parents
don't give a shit about you.Copy !req
1147. Right?Copy !req
1148. - This place is awesome.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1149. Hey.Copy !req
1150. Hey, what's up?Copy !req
1151. How's it going?Copy !req
1152. Wow, that's a bigger hug
than I was expecting.Copy !req
1153. Sorry. I'm happy to see you.Copy !req
1154. Yeah. Yeah, me, too.Copy !req
1155. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
1156. Good?Copy !req
1157. - All right, come on.
- Yeah, let's...Copy !req
1158. I brought tacos, so that's cool.Copy !req
1159. Try to turn it, try to turn it, spoiler alertCopy !req
1160. Spoiler alert, spoiler alert!Copy !req
1161. Hey, boys, this eco-pussy
is going down today.Copy !req
1162. Take down eco-pussyCopy !req
1163. Take down eco-pussy!Copy !req
1164. Mother Earth, Mother Earth is dyingCopy !req
1165. And when it rainsCopy !req
1166. It means that beautiful bitch is cryingCopy !req
1167. - It's really not a planet.
- It's for sure a planet.Copy !req
1168. Pluto is a planet.Copy !req
1169. - It's ready!
- It used to be a planet.Copy !req
1170. - It's ready.
- Not anymore.Copy !req
1171. Reduce, reuseCopy !req
1172. RecycleCopy !req
1173. I'm embarrassed.Copy !req
1174. - I always feel exposed after playing.
- Do not feel exposed.Copy !req
1175. I got to use the bathroom.Copy !req
1176. - Is it in there?
- Yeah, yeah, right up there, dude.Copy !req
1177. All right, all right, all right, all right.
God damn that.Copy !req
1178. The mic is live and we can
hear how the other half lives.Copy !req
1179. What are you doing?Copy !req
1180. I heard something.Copy !req
1181. Hey, can I ask you something? Sit down.Copy !req
1182. Okay.Copy !req
1183. I just want to make sure
that you and Eric are going to be carefulCopy !req
1184. with whatever it is
that you're getting involved in.Copy !req
1185. Yeah, I promise we will.Copy !req
1186. It would just suck
if something bad happened,Copy !req
1187. because you're a good guy.Copy !req
1188. Yeah, no, I feel the same way about you,Copy !req
1189. except girl version.Copy !req
1190. You're a girl.Copy !req
1191. - I am.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1192. That's why I put this dress on,Copy !req
1193. - to remind you.
- Exactly.Copy !req
1194. - Are you excited about the play?
- Yes.Copy !req
1195. Yeah, you were justCopy !req
1196. - right in there with excitement.
- Yes.Copy !req
1197. - No hesitash.
- I'm very excited.Copy !req
1198. Yeah.Copy !req
1199. Does that make me a super nerd?Copy !req
1200. No, not at all.Copy !req
1201. We get to act together.Copy !req
1202. What a vagina. He has no chance with her.Copy !req
1203. So...Copy !req
1204. - Shit.
- Sorry.Copy !req
1205. You're on the prom committee.Copy !req
1206. Do you think it's going to be fun?Copy !req
1207. Did she just bring up prom on her own?Copy !req
1208. - She did, she just brought up prom.
- What is she doing?Copy !req
1209. I think it's going to be awesome.Copy !req
1210. - Prom eats a dong.
- Multiple dongs.Copy !req
1211. All right, anyone who saysCopy !req
1212. they don't care about prom
actually secretly does.Copy !req
1213. Who we gonna take to the prom?
No one's going to prom with us.Copy !req
1214. Come on, picture it.
You pull up in a white stallion of a limo.Copy !req
1215. You got fine-ass honeys with you.Copy !req
1216. You're dressed to the nines
with your best buds.Copy !req
1217. Doves fly out behind you, slow motion.Copy !req
1218. Doves. Why doves?Copy !req
1219. 'Cause doves make you look
like a badass, that's why.Copy !req
1220. I am pretty skeptical,Copy !req
1221. but maybe, if someone fun asked me,
I would go.Copy !req
1222. Aren't... Isn't... Aren't you and Eric...Copy !req
1223. Wouldn't you and Eric go together?Copy !req
1224. Not that I know of.Copy !req
1225. Would you...Copy !req
1226. He's going to choke.Copy !req
1227. He always chokes.
He's going to choke, wait for it.Copy !req
1228. So would...Copy !req
1229. Would you...Copy !req
1230. Mayb...Copy !req
1231. - Oh, my God. Are you okay?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1232. That is the actual sound of choking.Copy !req
1233. I was wondering if you...Copy !req
1234. Would youCopy !req
1235. maybe want to goCopy !req
1236. with me to prom?Copy !req
1237. Would you want to go to me...
Maybe with me to prom?Copy !req
1238. Yes.Copy !req
1239. I would love to go to prom with you.Copy !req
1240. What? She just said yes!Copy !req
1241. - Whoa.
- Wow.Copy !req
1242. Good for you, Doug.Copy !req
1243. Thank you for asking.Copy !req
1244. Put her there, man.Copy !req
1245. Just put... Put it right there.Copy !req
1246. I'm putting it right there.Copy !req
1247. Yeah. There you guys are.Copy !req
1248. What's up, my man?Copy !req
1249. - Hi.
- How you doing?Copy !req
1250. - Whazzup?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1251. Doug... Okay, settle an argument.Copy !req
1252. You and your brother aren't related, right?Copy !req
1253. 'Cause you look totally different.Copy !req
1254. He's adopted.Copy !req
1255. We all suspect from a very lame family.Copy !req
1256. Where is he tonight?Copy !req
1257. Probably at home with those lame tools
he hangs out with. I don't know.Copy !req
1258. You know how Tom Cruise is
always pissed off at Rain Man?Copy !req
1259. That's like my life,
except Brad is really shitty at math.Copy !req
1260. Your brother's kind of a dick.Copy !req
1261. Well, yeah,Copy !req
1262. he kind of is, isn't he?Copy !req
1263. Don't listen to that.Copy !req
1264. I don't give a fuck.Copy !req
1265. Dude, Eric is the funniest lM-er.Copy !req
1266. Oh, fuck.Copy !req
1267. Hey, guys. It's so funny seeing you here.Copy !req
1268. How are you? Guess what, I don't care.Copy !req
1269. We just closed our third
high school operation.Copy !req
1270. And check what we found at Kennedy.Copy !req
1271. Looks like we're going to have to do
your job for you.Copy !req
1272. Your drugs is spreading
to different schools now, sucker.Copy !req
1273. You failed to stop the outbreak,
and you have no leads!Copy !req
1274. We are running out of time!Copy !req
1275. You either find the supplier,Copy !req
1276. or I'm gonna jump your asses
off Jump Street!Copy !req
1277. I totally understand
where you're coming from, sir,Copy !req
1278. but, look, I heard Eric
talking on the phone yesterdayCopy !req
1279. with somebody that sounded very suspectCopy !req
1280. about meeting up with a stuffed piñata.Copy !req
1281. Is that a code for sex?Copy !req
1282. - Piñata? Really?
- Yep.Copy !req
1283. Remember that wiretap
I put on Eric's phone?Copy !req
1284. While you were having the time of your life
last night, I was listening.Copy !req
1285. I overheard a phone call between Eric
and some dude about a piñata.Copy !req
1286. That's all you heard?Copy !req
1287. Yep.Copy !req
1288. I am so nervous.Copy !req
1289. We are about to premiere
in front of the whole school.Copy !req
1290. I apologize in advance
if I throw up on you onstage.Copy !req
1291. Serious question, though.Copy !req
1292. How do I look?Copy !req
1293. Ravishing.Copy !req
1294. Is it too sexy of an outfit?Copy !req
1295. Bend the knee a little bit.Copy !req
1296. Yep, it is.Copy !req
1297. It's going to be so much easier
having you onstage with me.Copy !req
1298. I am so happy that I met you.Copy !req
1299. You're, like, the only guy
that I can really trust.Copy !req
1300. Yep. That's me.Copy !req
1301. Doug.Copy !req
1302. Potassium nitrate.Copy !req
1303. Don't hate. It's great.Copy !req
1304. It can act as an oxidizer.Copy !req
1305. I didn't know that, but now I'm wiser.Copy !req
1306. It has a crystalline structure.Copy !req
1307. If you can't respect that,
you're a butt muncher.Copy !req
1308. It's a key ingredient in gunpowder.Copy !req
1309. K-NO-three, don't give no grief.Copy !req
1310. It can be used to make corned beef.Copy !req
1311. It's also known as saltpeter.Copy !req
1312. - Brad?
- Shit.Copy !req
1313. Where are you going?Copy !req
1314. I don't want to look like
it's like I'm wearing makeup.Copy !req
1315. - Right.
- Doug! Hi.Copy !req
1316. Brad!Copy !req
1317. Whoa. What are you wearing?Copy !req
1318. Potassium nitrate. Thanks for noticing.Copy !req
1319. I need to borrow you.Copy !req
1320. Now's not a good time, Brad.Copy !req
1321. It's a really good time.Copy !req
1322. 'Cause my piñata is killing me.Copy !req
1323. Is that code for a sex thing?Copy !req
1324. It's leaving the parking lot.Copy !req
1325. Piñata?Copy !req
1326. Molly,Copy !req
1327. I will be right back.
I need to help Brad with something, okay?Copy !req
1328. I just need to help Brad
with something real quick.Copy !req
1329. - What? No. What?
- I promise you...Copy !req
1330. Do you understand how soon
the show is starting?Copy !req
1331. I swear to you
I will be back in time for curtain.Copy !req
1332. - I swear. I swear to you.
- Tell me you understand how soon...Copy !req
1333. What? Are you kidding me?Copy !req
1334. What did I say? What did I say?Copy !req
1335. See? Whose wiretap is
working for him now, huh?Copy !req
1336. Shit.Copy !req
1337. Fuck!Copy !req
1338. You told me not to worry about the tickets!Copy !req
1339. I thought they made us look cool.Copy !req
1340. - Cones, cones...
- Driver's ed car.Copy !req
1341. - I'm driving.
- No, you're not.Copy !req
1342. - I never get to drive. I'm driving this time.
- Fine! Drive!Copy !req
1343. - Hey, guys.
- Just borrowing this for one sec.Copy !req
1344. - Sure.
- Go. Go, go, go, go.Copy !req
1345. Guys, hey, wait. Guys, you're not on the list.Copy !req
1346. Hey, guys, wait! Who cares?Copy !req
1347. - Holy fucking shit.
- No fucking way.Copy !req
1348. Those are the guys from the park.Copy !req
1349. That's just too crazy.Copy !req
1350. What do you think's in that thing?Copy !req
1351. I don't know, money, drugs.Copy !req
1352. They could be a new buyer,
or they could be the supplier.Copy !req
1353. If it's good, you'll hear from me.Copy !req
1354. If it's not good, you'll hear from me
about telling you how it's not good.Copy !req
1355. Makes sense.Copy !req
1356. - Get the fuck out of here.
- Yeah, no worries, man.Copy !req
1357. I'll see you guys.Copy !req
1358. We definitely got to follow
them and find out, though.Copy !req
1359. - Get down! Get down!
- Get down! Get down!Copy !req
1360. - What are you doing?
- If they see us,Copy !req
1361. just pretend like you're sucking my dick.Copy !req
1362. - What? No!
- Yes. Stop.Copy !req
1363. You pretend like you're sucking my dick.Copy !req
1364. No, just pretend like you're sucking my dick.Copy !req
1365. Why am I automatically blowing you?Copy !req
1366. 'Cause you're in
a fucking Peter Pan costume!Copy !req
1367. Okay.Copy !req
1368. Okay, let's go. Let's go, let's go.Copy !req
1369. - Go, go, go.
- Okay, fine, we'll follow them.Copy !req
1370. But we need to be back in
30 minutes for curtain.Copy !req
1371. Dude, did you just hit the teacher brake?Copy !req
1372. Yeah, you're following too close, dude.Copy !req
1373. - They're going to make us.
- Well, if I go too far back,Copy !req
1374. it's going to look even
more suspicious, so just stop.Copy !req
1375. God, just let me do my thing.Copy !req
1376. I know what I'm doing.Copy !req
1377. Seriously, if you do that again,
I'm going to Whac-A-Mole you in the balls.Copy !req
1378. Just stay back.Copy !req
1379. - I could not be more serious.
- Take your foot off the brake.Copy !req
1380. - No. I'm not... No.
- Take your foot off the brake!Copy !req
1381. Oh, shit! Oh, shit!Copy !req
1382. - Look what you did!
- Look what you did!Copy !req
1383. What the fuck?
You non-driving motherfuckers!Copy !req
1384. Get the fuck out of the car!Copy !req
1385. - Oh, fuck.
- Lock the door! Lock the door!Copy !req
1386. What do I do? Go away!Copy !req
1387. What are you, a fucking Keebler Elf?Copy !req
1388. Get him out of that car!Copy !req
1389. - No, no!
- It's fucking ZZ Top!Copy !req
1390. - No, no! No, no, no!
- It's fucking ZZ Top!Copy !req
1391. Like an angry walrus!Copy !req
1392. - I stomp the car now!
- Oh, my God!Copy !req
1393. - Stomp! Stomp!
- Oh, shit.Copy !req
1394. - Okay. Okay.
- Oh, my God! Stop, dude! Go!Copy !req
1395. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!Copy !req
1396. - Just let me drive!
- Stop hitting me!Copy !req
1397. Dude, watch out!Copy !req
1398. Will you stop front-seat driving?
Get your hands off the wheel!Copy !req
1399. Man, you just hit two people back there!Copy !req
1400. - You stop. I'm not...
- Take your hands off. Shit!Copy !req
1401. - We're stuck in traffic!
- Oh, shit.Copy !req
1402. - Shit, they're coming! They're coming!
- What?Copy !req
1403. Oh, my God, dude.Copy !req
1404. What do we do?Copy !req
1405. What the... What the...Copy !req
1406. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.Copy !req
1407. Oh, shit.Copy !req
1408. - Oh, shit.
- What's wrong with you? Run!Copy !req
1409. I can't! I'm wearing tights!Copy !req
1410. I got skinny jeans on!
It's the same fucking thing!Copy !req
1411. They're going to make us, or kill us.Copy !req
1412. - Porsche! Porsche!
- Police! Get out of the car, douche!Copy !req
1413. I'm on a call here, jackass.Copy !req
1414. That's right. Go to sleep, bitch.
You just got head-butted, motherfucker!Copy !req
1415. - Go, go, go, go, go, go!
- Shit.Copy !req
1416. Check around for a gun or something,
all right?Copy !req
1417. Where? Where?
There's no glove compartmentCopy !req
1418. in this shitty-ass car!
There's golf balls and this.Copy !req
1419. - What am I supposed to do with this?
- I don't know, man!Copy !req
1420. I've never been in a freeway chase before!Copy !req
1421. Watch out! It's going to explode!
It's going to go!Copy !req
1422. - What happened?
- I don't know.Copy !req
1423. - It just didn't explode.
- That's weird.Copy !req
1424. Can anybody tell me where my Peter is?Copy !req
1425. French! You're not my first choice,
but I need you to go on as Peter.Copy !req
1426. Oh, gosh. And I've been in character
for months now.Copy !req
1427. Great. Nobody cares.Copy !req
1428. Come on! Another traffic jam?Copy !req
1429. I'm sorry I didn't check the traffic reportCopy !req
1430. - before we got in a car chase!
- Let's go! Come on!Copy !req
1431. - Come on. Let's go, let's go, let's go!
- Shit!Copy !req
1432. - Are you texting?
- No, I'm not texting!Copy !req
1433. - Yes, you are! You're texting!
- No, I'm not!Copy !req
1434. Okay, almost done.Copy !req
1435. "LOL."Copy !req
1436. I'm driving!Copy !req
1437. Why do you always jump
over the car like that?Copy !req
1438. Hi. Hi. How are you?Copy !req
1439. - Hi.
- God damn, you are beautiful.Copy !req
1440. - Oh. Hi.
- You are fine as shit.Copy !req
1441. Don't worry. Someone will pick you up.Copy !req
1442. - Wow.
- Hurry. Just drive.Copy !req
1443. Wait. Pick me up?Copy !req
1444. - They're coming! They're coming!
- I got an idea.Copy !req
1445. Why don't you text them
and ask them to stop chasing us?Copy !req
1446. Oh, shit!Copy !req
1447. He's got a gun!Copy !req
1448. I'm going to throw this thing at him!Copy !req
1449. Okay, you don't have to narrate everything!Copy !req
1450. - Just throw it!
- Okay! Okay, okay!Copy !req
1451. - It's going to explode!
- Oh, my God! Roll up the windows!Copy !req
1452. - What the fuck is that going to do?
- Roll it up!Copy !req
1453. - I don't fucking care! Just do it!
- Oh, God!Copy !req
1454. I really thought that one
was going to explode.Copy !req
1455. Oh, shit!Copy !req
1456. Look in the glove compartment for a gun.Copy !req
1457. What are you talking about?
We're in a pink Bug!Copy !req
1458. I don't care.
Look in the goddamn glove compartment!Copy !req
1459. What the hell?Copy !req
1460. - Shoot.
- Oh, my God. Okay! Okay!Copy !req
1461. Shoot the gun! Shoot the gun!Copy !req
1462. Can't get a good shot, man!
I can't get a good shot!Copy !req
1463. - Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
- Take the shot!Copy !req
1464. Take the shot! Just shoot him! Let's go!Copy !req
1465. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.Copy !req
1466. - Shoot! Shoot!
- Shit, shit...Copy !req
1467. That's what exploded? Holy shit.
That was crazy.Copy !req
1468. Why did you shoot for me?Copy !req
1469. You weren't shooting, you were choking,Copy !req
1470. - so I had to save us.
- I was going to shoot.Copy !req
1471. - You always do this, every single time.
- What?Copy !req
1472. Seriously, just take me back to school, man.Copy !req
1473. If I miss this play, Molly's going to freak out
and she's not going to go to prom with me.Copy !req
1474. - Are you fucking serious right now?
- Fuck, yes, I'm serious!Copy !req
1475. Can't believe you made me late.
You're so selfish.Copy !req
1476. - I'm selfish?
- Yes, you're selfish!Copy !req
1477. Are you fucking kidding me?Copy !req
1478. Look at yourself!Copy !req
1479. You're in too deep, man.Copy !req
1480. Yesterday, I found
a college application on your desk!Copy !req
1481. I don't know how long this case
is going to last.Copy !req
1482. And Eric's going to get into Berkeley,
and, honestly, I can get in, too.Copy !req
1483. Who knows? I could ride this thing out.
I could be a doctor or something.Copy !req
1484. Have you lost your fucking mind?Copy !req
1485. You screwed this investigation all up.Copy !req
1486. At least I know my Miranda rights, you idiot.Copy !req
1487. You are a very silly man indeed.Copy !req
1488. Boys, squaws, come quickly.Copy !req
1489. Hey! Sorry! It's okay. I'm here.Copy !req
1490. I know I missed the first few scenes.Copy !req
1491. I want to thank...
Give it up to French SamuelsCopy !req
1492. - for ably backing me up.
- Fuck you, Doug! What?Copy !req
1493. I say we just roll right into this thing, huh?Copy !req
1494. This is my twin. We're together in...Copy !req
1495. Get the fuck out of here.Copy !req
1496. What are you doing?
Have you completely lost your mind?Copy !req
1497. What is this?Copy !req
1498. I don't know, but it's already more exciting.Copy !req
1499. You're embarrassing me.Copy !req
1500. It's okay. I'll make it up to you.Copy !req
1501. And... Let's fly!Copy !req
1502. - Such bullshit!
- Get off of me!Copy !req
1503. I'm not dumb! I'm smart!Copy !req
1504. You think I'm stupid? You're stupid!Copy !req
1505. - Go, Doug!
- I guess I should do something.Copy !req
1506. I should probably not
just stand here watching.Copy !req
1507. I should take action.Copy !req
1508. Worst best friend ever!Copy !req
1509. Molly, I'm sorry!Copy !req
1510. I don't want to talk to you ever again.Copy !req
1511. I'm sorry.Copy !req
1512. You stupid idiot!Copy !req
1513. - Come here!
- Come on!Copy !req
1514. Make fun of me behind my back
and everybody laughs at me?Copy !req
1515. I was a loser for four years!
You couldn't handle it for five minutes!Copy !req
1516. Have some fairy dust, motherfucker!Copy !req
1517. Hey, guys, no!Copy !req
1518. I heard you call me Rain Man, you asshole!Copy !req
1519. Principal Dadier sucks dick!Copy !req
1520. You're supposed to be my friend!Copy !req
1521. Stop! Stop it. You're expelled.
Both of you are expelled.Copy !req
1522. And that's the end of Act Two.Copy !req
1523. Is that it? You're not going to scream at us?Copy !req
1524. Nope.Copy !req
1525. I'm gonna just fire you.Copy !req
1526. Moving out?Copy !req
1527. Yep.Copy !req
1528. You know what's crazy to meCopy !req
1529. is that I think that I actually
thought that we were brothers.Copy !req
1530. I would've tooken a bullet for you.Copy !req
1531. Get in now. Both of you.Copy !req
1532. Why should I?Copy !req
1533. Just get in the car, man.Copy !req
1534. Get in the fucking car.Copy !req
1535. Nope, not until you ask nicely.Copy !req
1536. Please get in the car.Copy !req
1537. Come on, you guys. Come on. Please. Jesus.Copy !req
1538. Some messed up shit went down yesterday.Copy !req
1539. Yeah, after we made the exchange,Copy !req
1540. our potential business partners
got followed by some fucking cops.Copy !req
1541. That's insane, man.Copy !req
1542. Are you serious?Copy !req
1543. Okay, it's just I don't want to go to jail!Copy !req
1544. You know what happens to
a handsome guy like me in jail?Copy !req
1545. It rhymes with "grape"!Copy !req
1546. It rhymes with "grape."Copy !req
1547. I can't let that happen.Copy !req
1548. So I got these from my dad's gun cabinet.Copy !req
1549. - Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric.
- Whoa. Come on. Whoa.Copy !req
1550. Springfield.45s, police issue.
Very powerful guns.Copy !req
1551. You ever use one?Copy !req
1552. - We're not really gun people, man. No.
- No?Copy !req
1553. A lot of things
have made me wonder about you.Copy !req
1554. Come on.Copy !req
1555. Your taste in music.Copy !req
1556. The fact that you look
like a fucking 40-year-old man.Copy !req
1557. Then after that shit at the play, I realizedCopy !req
1558. there's no way you guys could be cops.Copy !req
1559. Yeah, I got this deal going down.
The supplier's going to be there.Copy !req
1560. I need people I can trust.Copy !req
1561. All right. All right, come on.Copy !req
1562. Okay, right over here,
we're going to shoot these bottles.Copy !req
1563. - We're going to practice, okay?
- Okay.Copy !req
1564. That was... That was actually
really fuckin' awesome.Copy !req
1565. Beginner's luck.Copy !req
1566. All right.Copy !req
1567. The supplier wants the deal
to go down at prom.Copy !req
1568. All right, there's going to be
all these heavies there,Copy !req
1569. but as long as you guys have my back...Copy !req
1570. Yeah? Yeah? Shit.Copy !req
1571. I always got your back.Copy !req
1572. Time to get our jobs back.Copy !req
1573. Let's get ready for prom.Copy !req
1574. Schmidty! Chore time!Copy !req
1575. Mom, we don't have time
for chores right now!Copy !req
1576. If you stay in this house,
you have time for chores!Copy !req
1577. Mom!Copy !req
1578. Fuck this thing.Copy !req
1579. Here.Copy !req
1580. It'll be quicker if I help.Copy !req
1581. There you go.Copy !req
1582. Thanks.Copy !req
1583. Your shotgun's hanging too low.Copy !req
1584. They're gonna see it.Copy !req
1585. Thanks.Copy !req
1586. Jenko...Copy !req
1587. Will you go to prom with me?Copy !req
1588. I guess.Copy !req
1589. Are we really going to take down
a whole drug operation by ourselves?Copy !req
1590. I got some contacts that'll help us.Copy !req
1591. Brad, what are you doing here?
You can't be here.Copy !req
1592. What if the principal sees you?Copy !req
1593. - This is wrong, yet so right.
- What?Copy !req
1594. I am so happy you're willing
to get in trouble for me.Copy !req
1595. You have to go. Please, don't leave me ever.Copy !req
1596. Ms. Griggs, stop. Stop.Copy !req
1597. - Stay! Stay.
- Stop.Copy !req
1598. - What?
- Stay.Copy !req
1599. - Go!
- Okay.Copy !req
1600. - Stay.
- Stop. Stop.Copy !req
1601. - I'm lost without you.
- What?Copy !req
1602. Get out of me. I'm going to throw up.Copy !req
1603. You are so hot!Copy !req
1604. All right.Copy !req
1605. Hey, pumpkin head.Copy !req
1606. I'm very mad at you. Dance with me.Copy !req
1607. - Are you on that shit?
- So what if I am?Copy !req
1608. Look, Molly, some serious stuff
is about to go down,Copy !req
1609. and I don't want you to get hurt.Copy !req
1610. I've already been hurt, Doug. I don't care.Copy !req
1611. You need to leave. You need to leave.
You need to get out of here right now.Copy !req
1612. Making a lot of hand gestures!Copy !req
1613. Okay, my name's not Doug.Copy !req
1614. - It's Schmidt.
- What?Copy !req
1615. - And I'm a cop.
- What?Copy !req
1616. Okay, and I care about you,
and I don't want you to get busted,Copy !req
1617. so you have to leave right now.Copy !req
1618. Leave the prom right now, Molly.Copy !req
1619. - I'm serious.
- Hey. Hey.Copy !req
1620. Penthouse now. Supplier's waiting.Copy !req
1621. - What are you?
- Come on. Hey, come on.Copy !req
1622. - Supplier's waiting.
- Is that Eric?Copy !req
1623. - Molly, leave right now.
- What are you...Copy !req
1624. - Just leave right now!
- What is this?Copy !req
1625. Mr. Walters?Copy !req
1626. Hey!Copy !req
1627. Beautiful Brad, and his brother.Copy !req
1628. Wow. You look great.Copy !req
1629. You're the supplier? You're a teacher.Copy !req
1630. And I was stuck on a teacher's salary, bro.Copy !req
1631. Could barely pay my alimony.
What are you gonna do?Copy !req
1632. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
1633. You boys are so good at this.Copy !req
1634. Oh, yeah, Cinnamon!Copy !req
1635. Oh, my God,
we're getting such good evidence.Copy !req
1636. I stole some of that Bunsen burner crapCopy !req
1637. from the chem lab,
threw in some of my Cool Deets,Copy !req
1638. and it was muy delicioso!Copy !req
1639. Then one day I catch
Eco Butt-munch over hereCopy !req
1640. smoking a J.J. behind the field house,Copy !req
1641. and I'm like,
"Hey, you want to make some coin?"Copy !req
1642. What a green penis that guy is, huh?Copy !req
1643. There's my quesadilla.Copy !req
1644. I hurt my hands!Copy !req
1645. Bitch.Copy !req
1646. Oh, shit.Copy !req
1647. You guys look crazy scary.Copy !req
1648. How many of you are there?Copy !req
1649. A lot.Copy !req
1650. Karl.Copy !req
1651. Patch looks pimp, man.Copy !req
1652. Thank you.Copy !req
1653. He's gonna recognize us, man.Copy !req
1654. I'm freaking out.Copy !req
1655. This is Walters, he made the stuff.Copy !req
1656. - Real pleasure to meet you.
- Fuck what his name is.Copy !req
1657. Your shit's good.Copy !req
1658. Thank you.
That means a lot coming from you.Copy !req
1659. What, you having a party now?Copy !req
1660. Who are these two motherfuckers?Copy !req
1661. Fuck!Copy !req
1662. - Hey.
- Hey. How's it going?Copy !req
1663. Nah, nah, it's cool, man,
they're my boys, so...Copy !req
1664. - Are they?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1665. I don't like strangers.Copy !req
1666. How do you ever expect
to make any new friends with that attitude?Copy !req
1667. It's, like, everyone's a stranger
till you give them a chance, man.Copy !req
1668. What the fuck are you talking about?Copy !req
1669. I don't even...Copy !req
1670. Just fuckin' around.Copy !req
1671. Do your thing, man. Proceed.Copy !req
1672. Hey, kid, come here.Copy !req
1673. You, you look familiar.Copy !req
1674. - Me?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1675. I was in a French fry commercial
when I was a kid,Copy !req
1676. so people are like, you know, often say,
"Oh, I think I know you,"Copy !req
1677. but I don't think we've ever met before.Copy !req
1678. Do I look like I eat French fries?Copy !req
1679. I don't know, you look like
you're in great shape,Copy !req
1680. but maybe you have, like, one cheat day,
like a carb blowout, you know? I don't know.Copy !req
1681. Nah.Copy !req
1682. Yeah, the theme song was, like...Copy !req
1683. Come to Andrew's French Fry EmporiumCopy !req
1684. Where friendship and French friesCopy !req
1685. Go hand in handCopy !req
1686. That's my quesadilla!Copy !req
1687. Who wants a piece? Huh?Copy !req
1688. I know you're in there, Doug,
or whatever your name is!Copy !req
1689. You lied to me!Copy !req
1690. I'm gonna kill you, you stupid fucking cop!Copy !req
1691. Hey, you guys, she just called me
a stupid fucking cock. That's rude.Copy !req
1692. Dickhead narc motherfucker!Copy !req
1693. Did she just say
"nickhead dark motherfucker"?Copy !req
1694. That's just racist.Copy !req
1695. I know these two.Copy !req
1696. Your boys are cops! They're cops!Copy !req
1697. Police! Get on the ground!Copy !req
1698. You get on the fuckin' ground!Copy !req
1699. - We asked you first!
- I don't give a damn!Copy !req
1700. You're fucking cops?Copy !req
1701. But we partied together, man.Copy !req
1702. You bought us Taco Bell.Copy !req
1703. Eric, honestly, that was a sincere gesture.Copy !req
1704. You made me this friendship bracelet.Copy !req
1705. Well, he's not really your friend.
He was pretending the whole time.Copy !req
1706. I'm gonna cut this the fuck off later, all right?Copy !req
1707. What the fuck is going on?Copy !req
1708. Shut this kid up!Copy !req
1709. - Him, too.
- No, no! Hey, wait!Copy !req
1710. No, no, no. Listen, I'm with you guys!Copy !req
1711. I didn't know these guys were cops!Copy !req
1712. I'm getting out of here.Copy !req
1713. I fucking hate you!Copy !req
1714. Get that out of my face!Copy !req
1715. - Molly!
- Oh, there you are!Copy !req
1716. What the fuck!Copy !req
1717. Drop your guns, or I'll spray her brains
all over the room!Copy !req
1718. Trying to take a hostage,
some goddamn TV show shit?Copy !req
1719. I don't know! I'm trying to help, all right?
I've never done this shit before.Copy !req
1720. Well, you're fucking up.Copy !req
1721. - Drop the guns or she's dead!
- She looks dead already.Copy !req
1722. What? No.Copy !req
1723. Jesus.Copy !req
1724. Yeah, I can hear her breathing.Copy !req
1725. She just passed out from the drugs.
We're good.Copy !req
1726. Drop the guns or...Copy !req
1727. All right, all right, just chill out.Copy !req
1728. We're gonna drop our guns.Copy !req
1729. You got to let the kids go,
and no one's gonna die, okay?Copy !req
1730. Just drop the guns, and kick them over here.Copy !req
1731. D.B., shoot these motherfuckers.Copy !req
1732. Oh, come on, that's unfair!
We put our guns down in good faith.Copy !req
1733. You're a liar, and you're mean!Copy !req
1734. - That's unfair.
- We're all friends here.Copy !req
1735. Let's just relax, and we can
all leave here as friends.Copy !req
1736. - Yeah, let's do that.
- Y'all boys are stupid.Copy !req
1737. Oh, my God, we're gonna die.
We're gonna die.Copy !req
1738. God damn it!Copy !req
1739. Tom Hanson, DEA! On your knees!Copy !req
1740. What the fuck?Copy !req
1741. - Now!
- Fuck!Copy !req
1742. Doug Penhall, DEA! You're under arrest!Copy !req
1743. Guns down, all of you! Domingo, tell them!Copy !req
1744. Put them down.Copy !req
1745. Nice! Yes!Copy !req
1746. Shut the fuck up!Copy !req
1747. You little dweebs just ruined
a five-year investigation.Copy !req
1748. We had no idea.Copy !req
1749. You're, like, an amazing actor, man.Copy !req
1750. You played saxophone
at my sister's wedding, man!Copy !req
1751. Tough titty. I fucked her, too.Copy !req
1752. What?Copy !req
1753. You little turds.Copy !req
1754. Do you have any idea how difficult it is
to infiltrate a gang like this?Copy !req
1755. Do you see this nose?Copy !req
1756. That is a fake nose.Copy !req
1757. Do you want to wear a fake nose
on your fuckin' headCopy !req
1758. for, like, months on end? Glue and shit?Copy !req
1759. Worse things in the world.Copy !req
1760. We had to get fuckin' tattoos
on our dicks, man.Copy !req
1761. Hey, actually, I just said thatCopy !req
1762. - to mess with you.
- What?Copy !req
1763. Looks tough.Copy !req
1764. Look, we know what
it's like being undercover.Copy !req
1765. Metro Police, Jump Street Division.Copy !req
1766. Come on, you guys are Jump Street?Copy !req
1767. - Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1768. That's funny, because
we were actually Jump Street.Copy !req
1769. - What?
- Yeah. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
1770. Oh, shit!Copy !req
1771. - Oh, my God!
- Oh, shit.Copy !req
1772. Oh, my God, dude!Copy !req
1773. Get them!Copy !req
1774. Motherfucker!Copy !req
1775. Shoot them!Copy !req
1776. Fuck that.Copy !req
1777. That was a gun.Copy !req
1778. Somebody definitely got shot.Copy !req
1779. All right.Copy !req
1780. Here, take the money, all right?
We're getting out of here.Copy !req
1781. Did I hit anything?Copy !req
1782. You were shooting at the fuckin' ceiling.Copy !req
1783. Doug.Copy !req
1784. I know sometimes I was a jerk to youCopy !req
1785. when we were undercover.Copy !req
1786. It's just... I didn't feel good about myself.Copy !req
1787. All that stuff I wore, like the bracelets,
the rings, the tight pants,Copy !req
1788. was just soCopy !req
1789. that people would think I'm cool.Copy !req
1790. The only approvalCopy !req
1791. that I ever neededCopy !req
1792. was my best friend.Copy !req
1793. Thanks, man.Copy !req
1794. The money's gone!Copy !req
1795. Come on, let's roll.Copy !req
1796. We gotta get out of here, man.Copy !req
1797. Are you telling me it's on?Copy !req
1798. - Let's do this.
- Let's make a baby.Copy !req
1799. - What? What are you talking about?
- I don't know.Copy !req
1800. I was trying to sound cool. Sorry.Copy !req
1801. That was crazy! You killed a guy!Copy !req
1802. Oh, fuckin' shit!Copy !req
1803. Hey, hey, we'll lose them in the prom! Go!Copy !req
1804. Go, go, go, go!Copy !req
1805. Where'd they go?Copy !req
1806. Molly!Copy !req
1807. Shit!Copy !req
1808. - You want to drive?
- Yeah, I do, actually.Copy !req
1809. Okay, cool.Copy !req
1810. - Nice!
- Did it look cool when I did it?Copy !req
1811. - That's what I'm talking about!
- Yeah!Copy !req
1812. How you guys doing back there, huh?Copy !req
1813. God, I love high school!Copy !req
1814. Best prom night ever!Copy !req
1815. - Shoot them!
- Stay on them!Copy !req
1816. I'm on them! I'm on them!Copy !req
1817. Oh, good, you guys,
come hang out with me back here.Copy !req
1818. - Oh, fuck, dude. Lisa, what are you doing?
- Did she pass out back there?Copy !req
1819. Hey, you got a gun.
Why don't you shoot back there?Copy !req
1820. Shoot that gun, shoot that gun!Copy !req
1821. All right, one second!Copy !req
1822. Just shoot someone, you bitch!Copy !req
1823. Peek-a-boo!Copy !req
1824. Give me my money!Copy !req
1825. Fuck that! Fuck that! No! No!Copy !req
1826. I can't do this!
I'm supposed to go to Berkeley!Copy !req
1827. I'm gonna get the party started!Copy !req
1828. - I'm gonna get the party started!
- No! No! Lisa, no!Copy !req
1829. Hey, I'm living my dream
of standing in a limo!Copy !req
1830. What?Copy !req
1831. - You're killing my dream!
- Come in.Copy !req
1832. - What? I'm trying to party.
- Down!Copy !req
1833. Bitch!Copy !req
1834. What? Fuck!Copy !req
1835. I'll kill you!Copy !req
1836. Kill you!Copy !req
1837. - No! No!
- Stay where you are.Copy !req
1838. Go! Go, go!Copy !req
1839. No! Stop!Copy !req
1840. I'm not fucking kidding!
Look, I'm trying to shoot people!Copy !req
1841. Will you stop! Just for two seconds!Copy !req
1842. You're really hot and you're really slutty
and it's awesome,Copy !req
1843. but I got to shoot people right now!Copy !req
1844. You think I'm hot?Copy !req
1845. I wanna... Oh, my God!Copy !req
1846. Wait, guys! Call me!Copy !req
1847. Let me know where you're ending up later.Copy !req
1848. I'm almost out of ammo.Copy !req
1849. We're fucked.Copy !req
1850. Give me my money!Copy !req
1851. I got an idea.Copy !req
1852. - You still got those shotgun shells?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1853. Pop Quiznos.Copy !req
1854. What do you get when lithium batteries
react to potassium nitrate?Copy !req
1855. That would be a covalent bond, brother.Copy !req
1856. That's when two atoms, they share electrons.Copy !req
1857. You see, they both need
what the other one has.Copy !req
1858. That makes them stick together.Copy !req
1859. Are you saying we're covalent bonds?Copy !req
1860. What? No.Copy !req
1861. We're not atoms, dude.Copy !req
1862. - What's this?
- Tequila?Copy !req
1863. I don't know, it was supposed to explode.Copy !req
1864. Oh, shit!Copy !req
1865. Where'd you learn how to do that, man?Copy !req
1866. App chemistry, bitch.Copy !req
1867. Come on, blondie.Copy !req
1868. Molly!Copy !req
1869. Drop your weapon!Copy !req
1870. Don't you fuckin' pull that arm up.Copy !req
1871. Don't.Copy !req
1872. Looks like you're out of ammo, asshole!Copy !req
1873. Come on! Get out here!Copy !req
1874. - What? What's going on?
- All right.Copy !req
1875. All right, here's the deal.
Nobody moves, or she's gonna get hurt.Copy !req
1876. Do you understand? Nobody move!Copy !req
1877. - All right.
- Eric, help me.Copy !req
1878. Don't you have a gun?Copy !req
1879. All right, don't move!Copy !req
1880. - Come on, let's go. Let's go.
- No!Copy !req
1881. - Hey! Hey, hey!
- Hey, no, no, I said don't move!Copy !req
1882. - Oh, fuck, you shot him!
- Oh, God!Copy !req
1883. Are you okay?Copy !req
1884. You shot my partner, you motherfucker!Copy !req
1885. I didn't mean to shoot you!
I meant to shoot him!Copy !req
1886. Are you alive, buddy? You okay?
You took a bullet for me, man.Copy !req
1887. Yeah, I'm feeling a little ambivalent
about that right now.Copy !req
1888. Didn't you hear me? I said don't move!
I said that! You heard, right?Copy !req
1889. Eric, you heard me!Copy !req
1890. - I said don't move!
- Eric, help me!Copy !req
1891. - You got this.
- Hey, hold still.Copy !req
1892. Freeze!Copy !req
1893. Shoot!Copy !req
1894. Come on.Copy !req
1895. You peaked in high school, motherfucker.Copy !req
1896. Oh, shit.Copy !req
1897. I shot him in the dick.Copy !req
1898. You shot me in the dick!Copy !req
1899. Oh, my God!Copy !req
1900. Yes!Copy !req
1901. Yes! Yes!Copy !req
1902. Yes!Copy !req
1903. You are under arrest!Copy !req
1904. - It definitely came out my asshole!
- You have the right to remain silent!Copy !req
1905. Anything you say can
and will be used against youCopy !req
1906. in a court of law!Copy !req
1907. You have the right to an attorney!Copy !req
1908. If you cannot afford an attorney,
one will be appointed for you!Copy !req
1909. Do you understand these rights
as they have been read to you?Copy !req
1910. Fuck you! Bitch!Copy !req
1911. Yes! Yes!Copy !req
1912. We did it, man!Copy !req
1913. We did it.Copy !req
1914. God, I feel so good.Copy !req
1915. We did it, man!Copy !req
1916. You're a goddamn rock star.Copy !req
1917. Do you feel that?Copy !req
1918. God damn, you're so cool.Copy !req
1919. You just shot him in the dick.Copy !req
1920. I've never seen that. Who does that?Copy !req
1921. Look, I'm sorry I called you Rain Man.Copy !req
1922. I know I didn't say you were,
but you're smart.Copy !req
1923. You're a smart guy, and you're thoughtful,Copy !req
1924. and you're sincere and you're sweet
and you're loyal...Copy !req
1925. And I fuckin' cherish you.Copy !req
1926. Should we high-five?Copy !req
1927. My hand!Copy !req
1928. Are you all right?
Should we get you to the hospital, man?Copy !req
1929. - Yeah, I think we need to call somebody.
- Hey, call somebody!Copy !req
1930. I got to get my dick sewn back on.Copy !req
1931. - You shut the fuck up.
- Hey, you shut up.Copy !req
1932. - That's not funny.
- Is that it?Copy !req
1933. What?Copy !req
1934. That's my dick!Copy !req
1935. Pick up my dick! Please!Copy !req
1936. No, we're not picking up your dick.Copy !req
1937. Fuckin' pick my dick up!Copy !req
1938. Oh, fuck!Copy !req
1939. He's my friend.Copy !req
1940. They don't serve vegan in jail, bitch.Copy !req
1941. Hey.Copy !req
1942. Molly...Copy !req
1943. I'm really sorry.Copy !req
1944. I know you wanted a guy to trust,
and I wanted to be that person so badly.Copy !req
1945. And I let you down in a lot of ways.Copy !req
1946. And...Copy !req
1947. It's good that you're mad at me.Copy !req
1948. I think it's good.
I think you should be mad at more guys,Copy !req
1949. because you deserve a guy who's good
and who doesn't lie to you.Copy !req
1950. And you should never settle
for less than that.Copy !req
1951. There are good guys out thereCopy !req
1952. who aren't assholes like me.Copy !req
1953. Thanks for saving my life,Copy !req
1954. asshole.Copy !req
1955. Put her there, partner.Copy !req
1956. I'll come back later.Copy !req
1957. We're, like, in the end of Die Hard right now,
but it's our actual life.Copy !req
1958. It's crazy.Copy !req
1959. - Number one or two?
- Three.Copy !req
1960. - Sam Jackson one. Yeah!
- Sam Jackson style.Copy !req
1961. Boom, motherfuckers!
What's going on? Come on!Copy !req
1962. Where is he? There's my guy!Copy !req
1963. There he is! That's him. That's him.Copy !req
1964. - Enough.
- Too long on the hug.Copy !req
1965. Congratulations, you crazy,
sick, vigilante motherfuckers.Copy !req
1966. You got your first arrest, huh?Copy !req
1967. - Look. Got something made for you.
- You didn't!Copy !req
1968. - Come on. All right, all right.
- Enough. Enough.Copy !req
1969. New assignment.Copy !req
1970. Since you two cowboys love to drink booze,Copy !req
1971. smoke weed with kids, and fuck
anything with a big ass in jeansCopy !req
1972. with low self-esteem,Copy !req
1973. I'm gonna send you to a place
where all that shit is allowed.Copy !req
1974. Oh, I love Disneyland!Copy !req
1975. You two sons of bitches
are going to college!Copy !req
1976. - Yes!
- No!Copy !req
1977. Boo-yah!Copy !req
1978. Oh, my God!
You're like two Hardy Boys in one!Copy !req
1979. Oh, fuck!Copy !req
1980. Hey, why are you here, Scott?Copy !req
1981. What, Kennedy High
isn't having any parties tonight?Copy !req